#wtf brain im just sitting on the toilet

[helgibadelgi]

Got a sudden twinge of sadness over the fact that I will never witness the heat death of the universe

[on-stand-bi-help]

So I this are just a bunch of texts that I sent my cousin and I thought why not post it on Tumblr as well!

Please do not take this seriously this is just some really bad comedy. Hope you enjoy. (Also this does have swear words and I mean a lot of swear words so you have been warned.)

Ok I haven’t edit this at all so sorry for my grammar and sorry if this doesn’t make sense

So a new MLB episode came out and it’s a special? Idk to be honest but here are my thoughts cause I want you to watch it! So there is a fucking new intro! It reminds me of the old Barbie movies intros not gonna lie but I guess it’s kinda cool.

Ok so their flying abilities or powers or whatever look really weird and I don’t like them. Alya showing the camera back and forth gave me a headache.

Ok but Ladybugs knowing about roses and their meanings gives me fanfic vibes not gonna lie. Chat trying his best too whoo Ladybug and respecting their boundaries (which she made by the way) freaking adorable not gonna lie. Chat being flustered fuck I just realized how much I missed him. Ugh Ladybug’s soft look and as soon as she leaves Chat’s soft look fuck they are adorable omg. Ok Chat saying that he needs to give himself some flowers cause he is amazing. 100% agree 10/10 you deserve it. TREAT YO SELF!

Ugh definitely did not miss Marinette’s obsession with Adrien omg. She’s really trying to lie to tikki bro you’re with her all the time. You can’t lie to her plus she’s been alive since the beginning of the universe and you’re telling me you are honestly trying to lie to her. God damnit Marinette you are such a dumbass.

LMAO THE STUDENT FILM OH MY FUCKING GOD!! THAT’S SO FUNNY!

God damn I saw on tumblr people comparing Draco to Chloe and I’m like bro Draco is a meme and a great character. Chloe is a bitch who is so fucking annoying.

OMG THE TEACHER IS PREGNANT ALL SHE HAD TO SAY WAS I HAVE MEDICAL EXAMS AND I KNEW!!! FUCKKKK YESSSS A RED HEADED BABY!!!

Can you imagine there is a whole episode where the class has to take care of the baby (for whatever reason) and all of them freaking out cause this baby is too precious and Alya coming in and saving the day and being like guys calm down. It’s all good. Nino fucking going soft trying to help Alya as best as he can. Marinette and Adrien never doing this before so both of them are super flustered and nervous! God I WOULD LITERALLY KILL FOR THAT EPISODE NOW HOLY SHIT!!!

Ok damn Kim really ain’t holding back like chill dude. He really just told the principal that the science teacher isn’t cool. You tell that to your friends not the fucking principal. You dumbass.

LILA IS HERE FUCK!!! God not only do I have to deal with Chloe’s bullshit but Lila’s too omg. Ok idk if it’s the website that I’m watching it in but their voices sound weird and I hope it’s just the website and not the actual episode.

Marinette shut the fuck up ADRIEN WAS TALKING BITCH!!! YOU INTERRUPTED HIM!!! Lmao nice save Marinette talking about the film to distract everyone from the fact that you like Adrien. GOD DAMNIT ADRIEN’S SOFT LOOK FUCK!!! HE LOVES HER SO MUCH BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET OMG!!! GOD DAMN!!! Lmao Lila’s face! Yeah fuck you Lila! Bitchass!

So Marinette is telling everyone that she is over Adrien. Alya isn’t falling for this bullshit! Love that. Marinette, why are you lying just ask them to help you move on. Like I can see the effort but I don’t understand why you are lying about it if you aren’t completely over him. Like bruh. ALEX REALLY SAID “No kidding” to when Marinette said that she was acting crazy. YES ALEX QUEEN! CALL HER OUT! Marinette saying that she just wants to be friends with him and not in love with him. (ARE WE FINALLY GETTING THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THAT WE ALL DESERVE HOLY SHIT IM LIVING!) Nope nvm she’s still on her bullshit. Did Alya just say that if Marinette will be ok with her and Adrien going to New York together because it may be too romantic. Like Bitch YOU GUYS LIVE IN PARIS! I'M SURE SHE WILL BE FINE!

FUCK YOU GABRIEL!! DIDN’T MISS YOU AT ALL YOU FUNKY ASS BITCH!!!

BRUH ANOTHER MIRACULOUS FOR REAL!!!

DAMN! Lmao Marinette trying to look tough that’s so funny to me! Who you trying to scare bitch cause you ain’t fooling anyone. Bruh Gabriel really friendzoned Marinette for Adrien lmao! Omg I love that. Fuck. I hate Gabriel so much.

I DIDN’T KNOW KIGMA WAS GOING TO BE IN THIS EPISODE!! YAY! EW WTF DID SHE JUST KISS HIM! ARE YOU KIDDING! WAIT WHEN DID THEY GET TOGETHER!! WTF! I DON’T REMEMBER THIS!

Marinette you are so annoying. Where’s Ladybug?! SHE’S SO MUCH BETTER! HOLY SHIT IT’S LADYBUG! OK BUT THAT SCENERY LOOKS SO ROMANTIC! Wait yeah both of them are going to New York like who is going to protect the city?! Oh shit nvm I’m a dumbass hawk moth is going too. Lmao! I’m an idiot! Ok BUT THAT WEIRD BUTTON THING IS ADORABLE OMG!!! AWWW! LIKE WTF!! I WANT ONE! BRUH HOW CAN SHE NOT LIKE CHAT NOIR WTF IS WRONG WITH HER!!! GODAMNIT!

Gabriel really said Surprise bitch to Adrien lmao. Damn poor Gorilla. I can’t believe he still doesn’t have a fucking name godamnit. Lmao I love plagg. Ew god damnit fuck you GABRIEL!

OMG LUKAAAAA! Marinette fucking date him already wtf. He is literally biking your stupid ass to catch up to the bus. GOD LUKA DESERVES BETTER! Marinette you always fucking ruin the moment fuck you. Fuck you. AGAIN LUKA DESERVES BETTER! Luka honey no don’t look at her like that you deserve better. Flashback to the perks of being a wallflower quote, “We accept the love we think we deserve” FUCK YOU BRAIN WHY YOU DO ME LIKE THIS!!

ALYA IS A TRUE FRIEND!!! Bro my friends would be laughing their ass off and making funny faces at the window instead of asking the teachers to stop the bus. HE WAS CARRYING HER SUITCASE TOO OMG! BRO LUKA HAS SOME STRONG ASS LEGS LIKE DAMN!!! Luka then says, “You know what’s important Marinette, that this trip gives you some clarity.” PLEASE GOD THAT SHE FALLS FOR CAT NOIR!!! PLEASE THAT SHE STARTS LIKING HIM!!! PLEASE! BITCH WHY KISS HIM ON THE CHEEK OMG WHY?! He likes you and you decide to kiss him on the cheek. Bro you are just making him fall for you more. Goddammit you are an idiot.

Bruh one look at Adrien and she becomes a tomato god damn. Am I being hard on Marinette cause she reminds me of me. NO WTF!!! Shut up! (At least I’m not a stalker or someone who gets obsessed with my crush in obnoxious ways.)

FUCK YOU CHLOE WE DIDNT WANT YOU TO COME YOU STUPID HOEEE!!!

I JUST REALIZED THIS IS A MOVIE!!! 12 minutes in and I just realized this is a movie. I AM AN IDIOT!!! God I’m so dumb lol. Ok this animation not gonna lie is kinda good.

He really yelled at Marinette in front of everybody in a plane huh. That’s so funny. Also he sounded like such a jock like wtf was that. Lmao Alya and Nino just looking at them like yessss our ship!!! (Alya and Nino are such a mood) This movie is literally like a fucking fan fiction. Adrien, “Oh yeah you’re sitting next to me!” Marinette fucking panicking. Omg this is literally a fanfic. I can’t! I love this omg. I LOVE ALYA SO MUCH OMG!!! Did Marinette just call Adrien her husband. YOU’RE LIKE 14 SHUT UP!!! PLEASE!!! How can you confuse husband with friend. Ok this just confirms that Marinette constantly daydreams to herself and tells herself that Adrien is her husband. Girl, GIRL YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM VERY WELL. SHE’S NOT EVEN IN LOVE SHE’S JUST FASCINATED WITH THE IDEA OF HIM. Ugh this is why I don’t like the idea of Marinette and Adrien or Ladybug and Adrien being together. Like she barely knows him and she counts that as love. Jesus. Lmao Gorilla has and will always ship Marinette and Adrien together. You can not change my mind.

Brooo if Marinette had a penis she would definitely have gotten a boner when Adrien fell on her. WHY IS MARINETTE LIKE THIS?! (Ok yes if my crush not that I have one but if I did I would probably do all the shit she is doing but I wouldn’t run away I would fucking just be in shock and freeze. Probably idk. THIS IS GIVING ME TO MUCH SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ACT NORMAL FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.) Did Alya just say that “New York is the most romantic place in the world!” AGAIN YOU LIVE IN PARIS!!! OH SHIT NVM. I paused it too soon. She continues by saying, “After Paris obviously.” Ok my bad. Ok are we talking about the same New York cause New York isn’t that romantic. Then again what do I know. Marinette FUCK YOU!!! YOU COULD HAVE SAT WITH ADRIEN AND NOW YOU HAVE TO SIT WITH THE FUCKING PRINCIPLE. Lmao this is giving me fucking Spider-Man Far From Home flashbacks. Bro Adrien looks so disappointed. FUCK YOU MARINETTE! Bro gorilla is such a mood. Putting a 10 for both having a fear of flying and for needing relaxation. Wait why doesn’t he have eyebrows? I just realized that. I mean I knew but like I didn’t realize idk if that makes sense.

Dude the principal sleeping on Marinette THAT HAPPENED IN FAR FROM HOME!!! Wait a damn minute in Far From Home Peter lives in New York and goes somewhere in Europe (I forgot where) AND MARINETTE LIVES IN FRANCE AND SHE GOES TO NEW YORK!!! Not only that but these are both superhero movies and they are both in love with someone except here Marinette is trying to get over Adrien while Peter Parker was trying to win over MJ. OK SOMEONE ON THE CREATIVE TEAM LITERALLY WATCHED FAR FROM HOME AND SAID YES LET’S DO THIS BUT THE OPPOSITE. I CAN’T THIS IS SO FUNNY!

AWWWW Alya and Nino sleeping on each other IS EVERYTHING!!! I SHIP THEM SO MUCH!!! IVAN AND MYLENE TOO!!! THEY REALLY WANT TO KILL ME HUH!? WAIT ROSE AND JUELKA FUCK YESSS THE GAYS ARE WINNING!!! MY MULTISHIPPER HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS MUCH POWER ALL IN A MATTER OF SECONDS!!! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

Dude I literally thought she said shit for a second I WAS LIKE WHAT?! But she said shoot. I really hope that’s not toilet water on her shirt. MARINETTE YOU HAVE A NAPKIN? OR TOILET PAPER ON YOUR HAIR?! GET THAT SHIT OUT OF THERE?!

Awww the sunset is so pretty. And Adrien is going to come in 3 2 1. Right on time. Adrien, “It's beautiful isn’t it?” I’m expecting Marinette to say, “Yeah but so are you.” and immediately regretting afterwards. Nvm she trips on him instead. Should have seen that coming. Ok now they are looking out the window again. This frame would be so cute if she didn’t have that stupid Toilet paper in her hair. Bruh Adrien just stands next to her and doesn’t even mention the Toilet paper on her hair. Adrien be like, “Yup just me and my fashionista friend Marinette looking at the window. Oh she has a piece of toilet paper in her hair. Damn must be a new trend I don’t know about. That’s kinda sus cause I am a model but whatever she knows more about fashion then I do so it’s all good.” (Not an actual quote.) Damn Alya and Nino ship them so much. Ok but what a mood!

Adrien says, “You're always willing to take a chance on something or someone even when no one else is.” Yeah bruh it’s because she is ladybug, I mean come on how do you not realize. Adrien really smirked at her whole shit! Adrien continues by saying, “You got something Marinette.” Marinette asks, “Something?” WAIT HOLD UP ISN’T HE DATING KAGAMI!!! WAIT IS MARINETTE A HOMEWRECKER!!! I’m kidding. Ok not really. Wait is Adrien a cheater like what?! Adrien continues by saying, “Yeah there in your hair.” He grabs the fucking piece of toilet paper. I LITERALLY FORGOT IT WAS THERE AND I BURST OUT LAUGHING!!! GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!

Alya is a mood, “I can’t decide if they are the cutest people I know or the most embarrassing.” Literally me whenever I watch Miraculous ladybug. Also this literally sounds like something fanfic Alya would say. Not canon Alya. But I really love how they let Alya say that. Good call team! Omg Nino continues with, “Yeah I love Adrien but he is like a baby chick that just started cracking out of his egg he has a hard time understanding the signals people send them.” THIS LITERALLY SOUNDS LIKE A FANFIC AND I LOVE IT!!! OMG!!! I LOVE OPERATION NEW YORK OMG!!! YESSSSSSSS!!! ALYA AND NINO ARE LITERALLY OUR SAVIORS!!! GOD DAMN I LOVE THEM!!! ADRIEN HUGGED HER AWWWWW!!! I LOVE HIM!

THERE’S ANOTHER SUPER VILLAIN WTF!!! He really wants to kill the people huh. I mean he must be pure evil cause he literally is tearing the airplane apart. He really said: There's tons of people in this airplane huh. Welp I really need this technology so I guess they have to die!

DUDE WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL? I can’t tell if she is a robot or a superhero! MAYBE BOTH!!! ALYA IS SUCH A SUPERHERO NERD I LOVE HER!!! OK this other girl superhero is literally captain marvel. She’s not Majestia (idk if that’s how you spell it) nah she’s captain marvel. LMAO WHEN CAPTAIN MARVEL MAKES AN APPEARANCE IN THE MLB MOVIE AND DOESN’T HAVE THE AUDACITY TO HELP OUT PETER PARKER IN HIS FIELD TRIP!! DAMN!!! SHE REALLY SAID FUCK YOU PETER! MLB FANDOM NEEDS ME MORE THAT YOU DO!! LIKE GURL PETER IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN CAUSE HIS 3rd father figure died!!! Then again she is saving an airplane fool of people but I’m sure you could have made a quick stop to give Peter some advice but whatever.

God I hate the principal.

CAPTAIN MARVEL REALLY SAID I HAVE TO SAVE MY ROBOT WIFE FROM THAT BOMB!! And she fucking blew the bomb away from her face. DUDE THERE IS SO MANY NEW SUPERHEROES HOLY CRAP!!! Ok including the Captain Marvel and the robot there’s 2 more but that’s more than Paris soooooo. WAIT CAPTAIN MARVEL JUST CALLED HER ROBOT DARLING!!! I was joking, I didn’t think they were together. OK I SHIP IT! Captain Marvel, “Are you alright darling?” (Giving me Spinderella and Netasha vibes not gonna lie) STOPPED IT TOO SOON!!! ROBOT JUST CALLED CAPTAIN MARVEL HER MOTHER!!! ABORT ABORT SHIP!!! I regret making all the comments that I just have made. So ignore them. I no longer ship them. Aw they have such a quote MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP!!! They are hugging each other. Adorable.

Bruh Adrien and Marinette are talking openly to plagg and tikki like could you guys be more obvious. Like shut up.

So apparently there’s a superhero for everything in USA. Um I wish if there was USA wouldn’t be as shitty as it is now.

I love Nino and Alya, that's all I’m going to say.

Also the superheros have a code word for the French students and it’s literally ‘the little croissants’ I LOVE THAT OMG!!! WHO CAME UP WITH THAT CODE CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!”

Ok turns out Robot girl can actually turn into a regular girl. SO THAT’S COOL!

How is it possible that Adrien and Marinette can’t figure out how the doors work like what?! Ok why the fuck is Adrien constantly catching Marinette every time she falls. Like he isn’t even close to her and he fucking races and catches her. Right he obviously doesn’t like her. Yup I definitely believe that bullshit.

Lmao the robot girl took one look at dumbass Marinette and stupidass Adrien and said, “Those 2 are made for each other.” That’s so funny. Ok robot girl is friends with a girl that has some weird ass earrings (dare I say lesbian). And they both are in school so I’m pretty sure they are the same age. SO I SHIP THEM!!! Grumpy girlfriend and super happy robot girlfriend. ADORABLE!

Lmao they are already going to a party bruh. They just got off of a plane and they almost died. And you’re telling me that they aren’t slightly jet lagged or even a little tired. Bruh come on.

DAMN SABRINA IS GONNA GET A LOVE INTEREST OKKKKKKKK!!! He literally winked at her and she went bright red. DAMN GURL GET IT!!! CHLOE FUCK OFF!!! SABRINA IS GONNA GO FLIRT WITH THE GUY AND NOT BE YOUR STUPID ASSISTANT!!! FUCK YOU!!! GOD DAMNIT CHLOE, SABRINA, MARINETTE AND ALYA ARE ROOMATES BRUHHHHH!!! (And they were roommates- OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES NOT NOW BRAIN PLEASE)

Bro the teacher looks at the hallway and nods cause she notices that all the lights are off in the room and no one is talking and she leaves. And immediately all the doors open and everyone is sneaking off to the party. BROOO THIS REMINDS ME OF NHI LOL!!! So the teacher suddenly pops out and asks what’s that noise and they all go into different rooms. The teacher doesn’t notice. And of course Marinette goes into the room with Adrien but on accident, and for a second I thought she was touching his pee pee but no she was just touching his lower stomach lol. They both look at each other and Marinette gets flustered and Adrien smiles softly at her. And she immediately gets away from him and they end up in the same room as ROBOT GIRL AND HER LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND!!! Robot girl is shipping them so hard while her girlfriend is glaring at them.

HER GIRLFRIEND CAN PLAY GUITAR YESSSSS!!!

SABRINA GO TO THE PARTY PLEASE!!! DITCH CHLOE!!! FLIRT WITH THE AMERICAN!!! THE AMERICAN IS FUCKING STANDING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!!! WAITING FOR HER OMG!!! He takes her hand AND TAKES HER TO THE ROOF PARTY!!! FUCK I SHIP THEM SO HARD!!!

Omg the dialogue in this movie is fucking amazing. Marinette says, “Is it a bird?” Adrien, “Is it a plane?” Sabrina’s soon to be boyfriend, “No IT’S HOT DOG DAN!” Like bitch why is the hot dog cart flying like wtf?! Dude is this how French people see Americans because you know what?! THAT SOUNDS about right. If USA ever gets superhero’s we PROBABLY WOULD HAVE A SUPERHERO WHO SERVES FUCKING HOT DOGS!!! Damn this movie is pretty fucking realistic. The Americans are fucking thirsty for some hot dogs they literally run over Adrien and Marinette like damn ok yes a lot of Americans like hot dogs but we aren’t animals. Turns out the hot dogs are magical. ROSE LITERALLY GOT SUPER STRENGTH AND WAS ABLE TO LIFT UP IVAN!!! QUEEN!!! AW Sabrina got long ass hair like Rapunzel but it’s brown for some reason.

There’s 2 hot dogs left and Nino take initiative and pays for the hot dog and says, “Not a problem. My girl and I can have one and you 2 can have the other.” Damn this really is a fanfic huh. Then again I doubt a fanfic would have them sharing a fucking magical hot dog. Lol! This movie is nuts. They ate the hot dogs (nvm they took a bite of the hotdog and they dropped it on the floor) and they started floating. They grab hands and they are trying not to freak out.

Meanwhile ALYA AND NINO ALL THE FUCKING GET IS THESE HIGH PITCHED VOICES LIKE BRUH. Also Nino ships them so much omg! BRUH HOT DOG DAN EVEN SHIPS THEM! I mean he doesn’t say anything he just looks at them and smiles.

Omg Alya asked Robot’s girlfriend to set the mood with a song! And Robot’s girlfriend is like yeah sure thing. This movie is surreal.

THE SONG IS LITERALLY THE SONG THAT THEY DANCED TOO AT CHLOE’S PARTY OMG!!! I can’t believe I remembered that.

Bruh Adrien literally just repeated what I typed. HE JUST ASKED MARINETTE IF SHE COULD DANCE WITH HIM!!! They are floating and the moon is shining bright on them (Nice job Yue; setting the scene for us I see) and he extends his hand. She starts floating backwards cause she’s freaking out (What a surprise 😒). He grabs her hand and brings her closer to him. WHAT FANFIC AUTHOR WAS ABLE TO GET A FUCKING HIGH BUDGET TO MAKE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE THIS DOESNT FEEL LIKE AN MLB EPISODE!!!

ALSO Marinette is looking at Adrien in a way that makes her look like a Tim burton cartoon character lol. SHE FINALLY GIVES IN AND DANCES WITH HIM IN FRONT OF THE MOON!!! (They aren’t even dancing to be honest they are literally just hugging each other really closely and spinning) BUT ITS ADORABLE SO I FORGIVE THEM!

Lmao they zoom out of the roof party and you just see in the fucking corner Kim and some other dude having a push-up contest. They showed that in the beginning when Alya, Nino, Marinette and Adrien were entering the party. I just wasn’t expecting that in this whole time Kim and the other guy still continued the push-up contest omg. (This is the first 29 minutes and my hand is tired sooo I’m not gonna write anymore)

If anyone wants me to continue I will but I doubt anybody is going to see this post so yeah! Anyway if someone actually read this PROPS TO YOU DUDE!!! HOPE I DIDNT WASTE YOUR TIME!!! HAVE A GOOD YEAR!!!

Edit: I think Robot girl and girl with weird earrings are sisters soooooo I don’t ship them anymore. (I’m honestly really confused are they siblings or not?!)

[chaekkung]

part 1??

ok omg so here’s my account of meeting them ill start from the beginning but omg bear with me please im still fucking freaking out my hands are shaking so much im literally tearing up right now ok i actually passed out like i disassociated so hard i ran into the kitchen 50 times to fucking scream and to the bathroom to calm myself down I WAS LITERALLY HYPERVENTILATING....

ALRIGHT anyways so i was just chilling at work and it’s a bit slow because of the weather. then this guy comes in and asks for a table and i was like ok how many he’s like 10 but 15 more are coming and i was like ??? BRUH WTF anyways i went to get their tables ready and more people started coming in and going to their seat and i look up and. bam. shownu. right in front of me. I LITERALLY FROZE LIEK I COUDLNT MOVE.... I STOOD THERE FOR 5 MINUTES JUST MY BRAIN IMPLODING........ (HE IS SO BIG.. LORGE... LIKE... HE’S SUCH A BIG BOY) ANYWAYS THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED LIKE HOLY SHIT. IT’S THE MONSTAS?????. AND I LOOKED AT THE OTHERS WEARING MASKS AND HATS AND I LITELRALLY FREAKED OUT BUT I WAS CONTAINING IT INSIDE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BE RUDE

(i only took a few pics bc i didnt wanna be weird!! anyways here them sitting uwuwuwuwuw)

OK IDK HOW TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS BUT IM JUST GONNA LSIT SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED:

seating: mh and jh w 2 staff /sn,kn.wh,hw sitting together at one table/ck sitting with the managers

ok so they were here for quite a while but i just did my work and left them alone and didnt really look at them much because they were just eating nd chilling so i didnt want to be disrespectful! i just kept my distance jghfjdsjghf ok anyways-

minhyuk asked me “where’s the bathroom?” in korean and i told him where it was and he said thank you (HE LOOKS SO GOOD HE HAS HIS HEADBAND..)

one of the managers asked me (in korean) to take their order and changkyun was like hyung wait she doesnt speak korean owo i was like omg.. thank u...... he’s so fucking cute holy shit

changkyun was wearing a big soft hoodie and he was SO CUTE like he was sitting the closest to me. he was like on his phone and like laying on the table ughH HES SO UWU I WAS LITERALLY COMBUSTING...

i finally gathered the courage to tell them i was a fan.. i asked ck about the concert later and he asked me if i was going but i said no i couldnt get tickets and he was all “:(” you knwo that face he does omfg i fucking . blacked out ., i was SHAKING SO MUCH WHIEL TALKING... but i told them im a really big fan and i was sad i didnt win the meet and greet and then ck was like well we’re here :^) i was like yeah omg im so nervous thank you kdfgijfdkso fuckfighjfidks but yeah this whole time the other members were looking over like omg :0 kihyun and wonho were so smiley they were liek :D like they’re happy people know them ogmgijfdskoifguhfdij FUCKCKCK I LVOE THEMFJGHUFJIDS.. (note: i was . bloacked out so i didnt properly say or see anythign more)

ok then i finally stop beign a lil bitch and like asked ck if i could take a pic with them after i eat and he was like of course ^^ I WAS SO HAPPYKFIGJFGIHJGFDSJDFIGHUJFIDKOS

SO SHOWNU WAS ABOUT TO ASK ME FOR SOMETHING (AT THE COUNTER) AND THEN A CUSTOMER CAME IN AND ASKED HIM “can i see them menu?” AND HE WAS SO FLUSTERED LMAO HE WAS LIEK “ummm. i-i- no work here” IJASDUFHDJISIFGHUFIJDSDJ I WAS LIKE UWU?? O SORRY ITS OK .. AND I GAVE HER A MENU.. anyways then he asked me “where is the toilet?” (IN ENGLISH... HES SO CUTEIJFUGHJDI) and i told him and he was like oh oh ok thank you (SOBS HES SO CUTE..) anyways i think he pooped he left for a long time

ok then wonho asked me “where is the toilet?” in english too like v softly (HIS NIP NOPS WERE ALL OUT N POINTY I WAS LIEK WTF IS HE COLD.. ANYWAYS HIS CHEST IS SO LORGE I WAS LIEK HUH????) ok

 OH OK SO JOOHEON WASNT THERE WITH THEM INITIALLY, he came pretty late! he walked in i was liek hoLY SHIT MISTE R JOE?? and then all of mx were like “AYEEE LOOK WHO’S HERE” in korean and kihyun like bro-bumped him and minyuk GOT UP FROM HIS SEAT AND WENT TO HUG HIM...... LIKE WE GET IT YALL IN LOVE.. anyways so yeah of course he went to go sit with minhyuk

minhyuk asked me for menu and some napkins.... lsiten hes so ebautiful hsi bare face iS SO BEAUTIFUL and he looked so tired tho omg like pleaplsirrjek.. baby :(

[aramkrikorian-blog]

10-9-2018

waking up. tired. rain. rain on the boots. the boots are torn. shoes. are wet. leather shoes. uncomfortable shoes. comfortable shoes. the daily walk. walking in uncomfortable shoes. ears clogged. not sick. ears jammed up. sticking fingers into ears with toilet paper when in the bathroom. library. salvation army. need to take a piss. need to take a shit. bathrooms. looking for bathrooms. embarassed. look like shit. haven’t showered in a bit. lighters are dead. no flame for cigarettes. the rain. it ruins the cigarette shorts i collect off the ground. talking to myself. not really. lots of people doing real life following. they want me to participate in interactive games with the audience. im not a star. im not taylor swift. she shouldn’t do politics yet. she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. democrats. republicans. green party. lame . parties. people. birthdays. rain. dogs. leashes. masters. slaves. negative conditioning. positive associations. flashbacks. larissa. lory. jessica. ashkhen. hasmig. who and what happened and where am i. did the babies really get aborted. are people messing with my mind. the information. is it true. not true. ears clogged. i can barely hear sarcastic remarks. god is watching over it all. proverbs. Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. peacock in the desert. seattle. pike street. pike market. prospect park. GAR cemetary. ducks. weird tattoo store. weird tattoo aesthetic. cornish college. security guards. smoking cigarettes. asking for cigarettes. not comfortable. SEATAC. orcas. the oceans. pier 70. pier 66. starbucks. starbucks reserve. st james church. gospel mission. millinair club. tweakers. not that many. many or not. not known. know nobody. alone. thoughts. suicide. Virginia Mason hospital. lutheran church. food. food under the bridge. housing help. library on 4th street. newspapers. news. 90 minutes of internet time. homeless resource guide. backpack stolen. all work gone. no more work to look over. wanted a house on frontenac. didn’t get it. went to ferrari dealership - you say you’re a gangsta but you never popped nothing. you’re a real wanksta. songs. curses. nirvana. cause i’ve found god - rethinking what i said about kurt cobain. he is dangerously not well in Lithium. sounds llike the psychiatrists put pills in him and he blew his brains out or heroine or the pain of his wife... she breaks mirrors. weird flashbacks. lorys brother was administerered lithium wh en i was administered seroquel. psychopharma DEATH TOLL. bodies keep stacking. kurt cobain. lithium. lake washington blvd - curt cobains house. i didn’t know. i did a free navigation of the city. i felt things, bro. now i regret what i said about kurt cobain. lady was wearing a nirvana song list tshirt. bruce lee and brandon lee’s graves. crows. bible... scarecrows. 3-6 mafia lord infamous used to call me scaRECROW what is this... where am i. same motifs. same symbols. used by different people at different times. 1 big symbolic soup. trying to make sense of it. untangle it. which came first the word crow or pigeon. beautiful pigeons. appearance of pigeons in ones timeline over time. typing in the library. ‘the kind of kind guy that won’t take no for an answer’ - wanting to buy a house on frontenanc and give it to brent and tim ... tim gave me an umbrella. brent hooked it up with cigarettes - lighter. they were good guys. lyft people circling around. feel guilt and shame resentment everywhere. saved by the dell poster. PRIVATE PROPERTY everywhere - including the seattle sports stadium ... safeco field? seahawks lose to larams - kendrick lamar. lemurians of mt shasta. greyhound... buses. the animals. a great dane takes a fat piss on 700 7th ave...  the courthouse night, doing a speech. finding weed on ground smoking it. speaking at the school ... getting more weed. fed a larabar. ara. ara gets funding again in march. rosenstein is out? cohen is out? melania is in africa - visits a former slave in ghana. beautiful work. thank you mr and mrs trump. kushner? scooby dooby doo. airbnb ... valuations. memories. pains. people. upgrades and promotions. growth. new ideas. scholarships. college. essays. schools. making sure the kids are going to be safe. at least putting a line on the older ones and going to go back and ensure the road is well paved for the younger ones. newspaper room 6th floor. bathrooms on floor 7 of library also on floor 1... and maybe on 3 and 4.. .but not sure. haven’t been higher than floor 7 as far as i recall. lady in front of library - obese with lighter and cigarette - i ask her for a light she says “why are you chasing me?” - not a question. it is a question. it is something inside of a question. an accusation. a false accusation. a controversial, extremely controversial false accusation. it implies more. profile equivalent of a stalker. im not a stalker. a chaser. but i will become one if she wants me to. if the shoe fits ill wear it. or ill just wear it once and throw it away anyway. copy and paste this text and put it into a text to speech application and just listen to it ... let me know if it sounds good. borrow phrases from it. let it brainwash you. because it’s all real. really really really really real. kim and kanye. blessings. armenians. what the heck. little children in library walking around... happy looking. global warming. will it kill all the little children that look so innocent to my eye. and to my eye the world looks ok. but to the instruments... they’re reading something else. that’s how gas kills doesn’t it... it didn’t smell. it just killed. mount olympia. sculpture garden at the pier has a lot of gardners but a lot more dog shit. its impossible to sit in the grass. there was SO MUCH dog shit there. mcdonalds sued for a million dollars. dont do it. all these ridiculous articles on Medium. i joined medium but i cant even press a button to write. ridiculous. double daniels. daniel lives here. so does erin treg. ill try to not mention too many names i guess. maybe they can comment on posts and take them out. fuck ilya golub. fuck olga. fuck all those people. nikolai and m8s and ara and etc etc. let them live their lives but these are weenie people. someone should keep a permanent weenie hat on their heads. stop stuffing dicks into everyones head aram. stop it. note to self. exercise more discipline in the language that i use. lockwood... he was an author who blew his braINS OUT. but he was typing like an animal in the family garage. he released a book. i wish one day i can get back to literature reading again. i miss pynchon. i miss delillo. did they write any new books. are they still alive? im going to check google right now and trust the answer. dellilo alive. i heard roth died. 5-22-2018. wow . the number 22. number of hebrew characters in the alphabet. the number of arab league countries. 22 is a heptagonal number. which means 7 sided polygon number. who knows what that means. its just important. who knows. philip roth died on 5 - 22 - 2018. wow. i miss his work. american paradise or something or portnoy’s complaint. who was that guy. i remember being in oregon 4 years ago and digging deep into literature. is my brother dead? did shant eat a heroine shot? people on the bus were saying weird things. is my father dead? i don’t even know. i remember jolie writing things on the wall. like prophecy that turned into reality. maybe the whole thing was a joke. the name. keith. she used names. she said things. JR JR JR> what is JR.. it’s on the inside of larissa lip . who knows. maybe real or not. nick. wtf. heroine. fresno. people talking to me. gangs this that. greatful dead family. where are we. what is this. acid. meth. heroine. crack brillo pads. what is all this. what happened. where is everyone. dope shooters. not a lot of people left around - “ Cage The Elephant - Shake Me Down - YouTube “ urban dictionary. JR> some caring guy. larissa’s boyfriend. hope they’re still together. been talking out loud to her. sometimes i feel her. saw a lookalike of Lory. or i actually saw lory. maybe when larissa and i were in santa cruz.. we were being watched and played for fools. she kept saying she saw nicole. the aramark logo. the mark from seattle. the people out there. here. chris while. erin triggie. daniel ex of jessica. who knows what people do. say. where am i. what has happened to me. how am i homeless. what is this. what happened to me. i used to be an OG. lol. what am i now. can i even handle it. unlikely candidate. why do people even half respect me. what is going on. scholarships. colleges. high school kids applying for colleges. stanford early application this year is november 1... and the regular is january 2. i remember 2004 applying for fafsa and all that. scholarships. this that. getting accepted. man. SAT scores are still going. its insane how out of touch you get despite trying hardest to stay in touch. eventually the kids evict you themselves. couple library rats tried to trade me bluetooth headset for some molly in front of library and for some crystal. i said no to both. i saw mad guy tweaking dancing fuckin hard at millionair club today - i looked at him and said “brother i love you so i dont want to see you here, like this, ok?” - where is HOMIE RESCUE TEAM - what are we going to do? should we just laugh at this guy. should we just let him die off. should we kill him? what do you think? i have to read news... china and america. usa. and china. and korea. and russia. and some games and calm down and 110 billion dollar pump into USA. turkey and saudi arabia ... and pushing and shoving and ghana and america visits and angola 500 million president running to london who knows... where are we.. like flies buzzing around on The Blue Marble. what happened to sitting at home and enjoying one another in peace. where is my wife. why do i call her my wife. im forgiving people. im rescuing people. im saying im going to quit cigarettes. people look so shady. they look so protective over their assets. ive lost more than i think or know or can count or i dont know whats going on. 

i wanted a ferrari 812 a portofino i saw was pretty i like the color rosso and i wanted a 488 spider and a home on frontenac and i wanted a powerboat like 70 footer or 77′ and i wanted to go to bahamas or caribbean and have sex with my wife and procreate and have children and relax and sleep and rest and have a home on 18 acres in snoquamish and all that stuff and have a Dodge ram 2500 

just read about Satyrs for the first time. rams and satyrs and greece and dionysus and debauchery and Pan and apollo and challenging gods and losing and winning and secretive & lustful and wanting to fuck and permanent erection (piss boner) - very interesting. 

also very interesting is the PT Barnum effect ... basically .. .have you ever had a boner? have you ever wanted to have sex with many women? have you ever flirted with a woman? h ave you ever challenged someone bigger than your own size (like David?) - who knows. Ram. Aram. Random Access Memory. bighorn ram. it was in a shooting game i played on hunting game on computer a long time ago. 

gods .. shoot downs. being destroyed. FLAYED Alive. the Flaying of Tarsus. hubris. arrogance. humility. cold. hot. 

there is this fucking idiot laughing in the library. this fucking tool idiot. he is in the library and he laughs like a clown. i wish joe pesci were here so he can jam and smash on the guy. but he’s not so if i do it. in front of the cameras. it will pr;obably get me into some sort of toruble. who knows. anyway. 

iris murdoch. philip roth. thomas pynchon. all these people. time passes. pynchon delillo still alive still kicking. 

birth days were the worst days. slowly getting over the doldrums. what is it called. weighing yourself down . idioms. expressions. the power of idioms. lists of idioms. lists of ethnic slurs. lists of sociological terms. lists of profiling terms. lists of lists. endless lists of words and referrents and objects and feelings. 

Jimmy hendrix park seattle. the numbered avenues. Ballard. the draw bridges. the seaplanes. the boeing. the SAM . art museum. the fountains. the trees and parks. the lake washington. the lake union. the puget sound. the alaskan viaduct project. 4 months. all the little pieces of seattle. the 4 seasons. the goldfinch bar. the bars. the loyal inn. mark matthews park. he was a presbyterian minister. here we are. some guy still laughing so i told him to shut up bro that hes fucking annoying. then another guy joins in... he does a little goat laugh. so i fucken do a sheep laugh too. fuck these guys. play whack a mole all day. 

seattle is amazing. minus these idiots in it. can someone genocide them. or get rid of their bodies tonight and feed them to the orcas k25 and k13 ? .. k13 is dead. k25 is getting skinny. 

The latest official count is 77 orcas among the three pods. That reflects the death of K-13, a 45-year old female named Skagit.

the count of orcas is 77 orcas. i wanted a 77 or 70 foot yacht. i wanted to call it Septuagint. there are al ot of 7s in the bible. 

oh Gosh. oh man. david reigned for 7 years 6 months. 76. 67.  6s and 7s. 42s. wow. and 7 male descendants of Saul hung before the lord. 7s. the 7 times 77 forgiveness.. yesterday the sevenfold punishments in leviticus. i like stuff like this alot. 

7 for all mankind - i remember such days. the time is 12:12 Pm on 10/9/2018. 

who knows these things ... the Lord is playing on all tracks concurrently. im less annoyed. i see all these defective personas in one day. i dont know why. but its getting better. people getting chin checked. a lot of people getting tagged. 

the rats are getting smashed on worldwide. Meng. etc etc. interpol. this that. internationally. locally, domestically. the Great Awakenings. when we enter into slumbers and turn into zombies turn into psychic vampires. we need to clean the algae every once in a while or else there’s just bodies and piles of bodies of humans. we dont really care about the dead of the past. we really dont’ give a shit or dedicate any time to remembering or researching the dead of the past. a list of wars by death toll. largest natural disasters by death toll. 

to have faith. to try to pray to God. to say im not here to destroy the catholic church. people say and come up with the worst and weirdest things. if you can only see this writing post you will see i hop around so many places. 

a poison dart frog, a dog, a porcupine, a snake, a cow - i’ve been compared to such animals. after a while all the terms of endearment eventually get to me.. its annoying its not cute. people speak they did the worst things to me and im pretty done for trying to recover. maybe i will maybe i wont maybe someone will kill me or ill magically die.. it wont matter - i see that kurt cobain and bruce and brandon and jimmi hendrix theryre all dead and the stars are all dead the “stars” ... revelation says 

Revelation 6:13 and the stars of the sky fell to the earth, like unripe figs

and the woman and the dragon and the red dragon ... and ir ead revelation and imagined myself as satan last year but i dont think so. i think the others are satan becasue they twisted my brains in and out.. and i cant wait for the rest of revelation to be carried out so that i can witness the end of the world. im very tired of how twisted and disgusting things have become.. im not just angry or wrathful.. i would like to actually see the end of the world... i would like to see Jesus im going to try and be ok until that happens. .. and its so sad that people are just.. .its so sad. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+12&version=NKJV

love, 

aram krikorian

[civilization-phaze-iii]

When we got kicked out and couldn't find a 5 bedroom place to move into, I didn't fight to stay. I offered to leave, accepted to having to have to move house 3 times within 2 months to have a stable place again. And all of it was for his benefit. I hated him but I still looked out for him and he's still a fucking toxic piece of shit to me. I can't stand to hear his name it makes me so full of rage. I spent all my saving on this and now my bank account is in the negative. He spends his funds on driving long distances to sit at a random park.

I had a dream today of going to the supermarket and getting groceries. Im so hungry and I have no way to go there and back. Im so fucking hungry

Everyone I know is a couple and I don't want to hang out with couples anymore

Why do I let people do this to me. I just want someone to think about me without having to fight for it.

It was the same with noah and Derwin. I did so much and the moment I lost my chill at them trying to control my life they kick me out. And none of the other people even told me it was going to happen when I had everyone elses back everytime they were going to get backstabbed or people were talking shit behind their back without talking to them and getting their side of the story. Derwin fully lied to me and said no one else knew and it was his mums decision when really they must have talked so much shit behind my back. Sina was upset i was leaving but its not like she could do anything, she had her family to look out for and getting into a messy situation could get them thrown out to

The grad labs I thought would at least be a safe place to store my books, it is for everyone else. Why are mine getting stolen and put in weird places??? Are people after me??? Wtf have I even done

I always do my best to be a decent person and all I get is being shat on, used, thrown away

I want to die and call all of you out. it hurts so much to think of hurting my mum, she's done so much for me and im her only family in this country. im really afraid of what ill do if im left alone too long. I don't know if id be here to come into this year if I hadn't pass out on the floor last night

I have such a bright future ahead of me. My grades are amazing but I don't even fucking know how ill fund myself though another year of university and have the time to maintain my grades. In a jobless degree like mine, grades are the only way I'll get to do what I want to do. The stress is crushing me and I don't have anyone to make me feel something. All I have is Tumblr rants. My brain is so fucking stuck from substance abuse and its what I rely on to build a life. But fuck they're the only thing that got me through my youth. I can't fucking deal whether it's sober or high, everything always turns to shit and I don't even know if it's my fault or what

The sight and sound of people used to cheer me up and I dunno why but now its bringing me down

[aesthetic-yehet]

I wish I never got an abortion..

Hey whoever reads this..

It may help you or someone else, you may even feel like this doesnt apply to you, but I just have to get it off my chest. I will go over my story and things girls in my previous situation really shouldn't do and what you should :)

My circumstances were at the time was, I was 16, had no qualifications, didnt have any type of job or type of income towards my name. I was dependant on my mother. I was also a very reckless person. Fucking whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, doing things I shoudn't of. But on the other side of things I was very good academically and had a fairly good amount of friends.

Obviously I got pregnant...briefly after my 16th birthday..lol. I had a feeling I was pregnant 2 days before my period started, I told the guy and he was like dont say that, dont worry about it too much your period will come. Next thing you know, 2 weeks later my friend steals 3 pregnancy tests for me and they all come out positive.

So Im like fuuuuucckk on the inside, but on the outside I was extremely calm, it was a bit worrying to others. So I called my cousin after and I told her my situation. I feel like people would question why not tell my mum. Well one shes black, two shes come from an extremely strict Caribbean background, so they way she approaches situations is not really to my liking. (I would basically shit myself and I know I would get kicked out if I had any guts to tell her). My cousin and I then the two days after went to a hospital and finally confirmed I was pregnant. Funny fact: When I went to the hospital, well the clinic part of it, the "guy" was there, not like as if he knew it was just a coincidence that we ended sitting in the same waiting room.

I discussed with my cousin at first about what I was going to do. I was certain that I was going to keep the baby. I hated abortions with a passion. How hypocritical of me. I am against abortions but thats for me, that my personal opinion. It doesnt mean that I hate other people that do it, they can go ahead its none of my business. But for me it never really sat well, I didnt like the idea of it. And neither did my cousin. She said she was going to support me and help me get temporary accomadation if I was to get kicked out. I was going to research to continue onwards with further educations alongside having a child at a very young age. You know the whole dingle-bingle.

later that night, I called the "guy" and I told him straight up. And at first he was ok with it. He was like hes not going to force me to do anything and he left it at that. So I was a bit relieved that he said that instead of saying get rid of it. Considering the other reactions to similar situations, the boys I know, they'd straight up get theyre niggas and beat the girl to the pulp to kill the baby. And really and truly that "guy" was extremely capable of doing that but he chose not to.

So a few days pass and I'm really happy but worried at the same time. I had told certain friends, which led to my whole school knowing. One thing that shouldnt be done no matter hooooow big mouthed you are. Dont fucking trust anyone because...just no. So that really wasnt comfortable with me. People asking questions, it was very overwhelming. Plus at the same time dealing with my depression and anxiety, it just didnt add up well. Definitely one sitaution a pregnant women shouldnt go through.

So..later after school finished. Im at home and the guy calls pissed because everyone knew. And everyone could connect it back to him because we had a history. Like everyone had an idea that we was fucking. I feel like it was embarassing for him because he was in Year 13 and I was in Year 11. So then I was apologetic for opening my mouth to certain people that I had trusted. So he then continued onwards to saying "I think you should get the abortion." I was so gutted but I was also thinking about it. He proceeded to explain that he again wasnt forcing me but he was presenting me the situation on both sides of the spectrum. For both me and him. He explained that for me, It wouldve been hard to do my gcses because I wouldve been atleast 5 months, I would probably get kicked out, my life would come to a halt as I would need to take care of a baby, I wouldnt be able to pursue a career I wanted because of the huge responsibility. For him, the fact that he was from a muslim background wouldve make his family put him to shame once they found out and either way regardless if he didnt want to look after the baby he'd have to. I then told him that I dont need him. Considering my background of not really having a father figure I definitely felt like I could look after a baby on my own. He proceeded to say that he'd need to support me plus going to uni. But then again he said hes not going to force me. At this point if I was to put it into a percentage Abortion 5% / Keep the baby 95%

After that talk, talks with him got more frequent as he tried to persuade me to get an abortion. He told me bout single mothers at my age that are addicted to drugs and consdiering where we lived it wasnt a good area to bring up a baby. He told me about how he sees so much potential in me and that this situation would just stop it and distract me from becoming successful. And I completely understood where he was coming from. I wasnt going to be irrational and refuse to listen to his arguements. I then thought about it to myself and I just reached the decision that because he made more sense I would get the abortion. I mean how would I support myself and a child, provide food and shelter and continue in education. It all seemed impossible to me. But then there was me saying that because I put myself in that situation I must take responsibility and that god would never make me go through something I couldnt handle. So at the this moment the table have turned and I was now 100% abortion.

I told my cousin about my change in decision and she was extremely upset and told me that when I do decide to do it that she didnt want to be present. Which was completely understanding. So I told my sister and because she was in a similar situation to mine when she was 16, she was able to help me. Which is what I advise to any women that wants to get an abortion is to never go through with it alone, regardless if you think you're a heartless person, make sure someone is supporting you some how. I then told my mentor at school, and she was trying to tell me not to get it but I was certain that I was going to get. Another thing, telling a teacher figure, isnt a bad idea. It really should be a teacher or someone along those lines that you know you have a good relationship with or you know is a helpful person. I dont know how much I preached to my mentor not to tell anyone that would tell my mum. So she had to abide by that. I got through the whole process of getting an appointment to discuss what would happen. To making the appointment for the abortion. Organising who would go with me. And in the mean time I was going through complications at about 2 months. There was a chance that I was going through an abdominal pregnancy due to pains I was experiencing. Luckily that wasnt the case and I was just stressing way to much.

So before the day of the abortion, the guy and me talk and he sounded relieved that I was going to get the abortion. He said to me that he would even come with me, to the clinic so that I wouldnt go through it alone. I briefly felt happy about me decision because he was happy. (I hope you see what Im getting at).

I was out of most of my lessons, talking with my mentors, I really did take advantage of that but constantly talking to someone instead of me overthinking about it and getting even more depressed was really helpful. Dont get me wrong I had many of my close friends supporting me, regardless of my decisions.

So the day of the abortion, I go with my auntie, I get my test done for STDS. That was clear. I get a scan. This was the most offputting thing to see. I literally fucked up my brain. The lady printed out the picutre and I saw the baby. That was in my body, in a uterus. I felt some type of connection but I quickly tried to push it aside. I know now at that moment I shouldve walked out the door. But I stayed. So then my sister had to come because my aunty had to go somewhere and it finally came to the point of taking the pills.

I'm not a doctor so I dont know the names but the procedure was to insert three or four pills up the vagina and thats it. I did that procedure because I couldnt go through the vaccuming method, just no. So as soon as I left the clinic small pains were coming through. And the pain killers that I was given wasnt no paracetomol, it was codeine. So I knew that I was gonna go through a shit amount of pain. The method I went through was inducing a miscarrage. My sister put me on the train I could go back home and I sit and process what I had just done. I was around about 20 people trying not to cry but tears was just falling out my eyes. I wish I couldve gone back and not inserted those pills. Before I got to my stop I just thought to myself its done now just leave it now. So I get home now and I need to pee. And a gush a blood just came. And I was curious so I looked at the toilet and I saw the placenta. As if it was ripped out of me. So I processed it again, I was basically flushing my baby down the toilet. Like wtf right? At this point the pain was just unbearable. I couldnt even stand. I was sitting on the toilet for a good hour before I went to lay down in my bed.I didnt want to move but I had to pick up my niece. The walk to my nieces school from my house was about 5 minutes and I had to beg one of the parents at the club to drive me home and help me inside.

Quickly I took the pills and the pain calmed down. My mum thought I was going through a period. The school let me take off as much time as I wanted. Even though I was offered counselling I declined. I shouldve accepted but I felt like I needed to go through this alone. I only talked to the guy once after. I literally felt like I was in a box. I took about 3 weeks off school. Pain for me lasted about 1 week to 2 before my actual period started. So I was in and out of hospital because the pain normally supposed to last 4 days. Nothing was wrong with me so I felt like it was God punishing me with more pain. And that was it.

After that, I acted like it never happened. Tried to continue on with life but my life was just going downhill before my eyes.If youre wondering I passed my GCSES and got 6 A-C.That was literally the only positive. And to me my life is still going downhill at this moment. Briefly after healing up, I got exposed multiple times, with pictures, but I didnt pay any mind to it. I got raped, but I didnt realise I got raped till my closest friends were telling me that I had. I didnt see it as rape but considering the whole situation, it was. I felt like because I put myself in that situation It wasnt rape. I was getting therapy but I wasnt saying what I wanted to say because it was therapy with my mum. Our relationship had deteoriorated extremely. And thats not because she knew. She didnt until about 9 months later.I had met someone that made me the happiest person, despite our disputes, I was still happy. He made me feel important while I was in this downward spiral. And turns out we was both toxic. It ended terribly. I was willing to do unthinkable things just to get him back in my life and thats when I realised that I had reached my peak.

Right now even though it still seems to me that my life is going downhill, its not as steep. Im more happy, Im getting help. My mum knows more but not everything.Im happy with that. Im still bunking lessons, but its just when I feel extremely low. But it just occurred to me that right now well lets say today, if I had gone through a full term and given birth, my baby wouldve been 2 months old. And that really aches in my heart. I had recently found the picture of my scan again and it just really made me think. Why on earth did I get that abortion? And I thought hard about it. And I realised how my brain was working back then compared to now. I was trying to make the guy happy , I wasnt being selfish. In that situation , you have to be selfish, dont care bout nobody else but YOURSELF. But im my mind I wanted him to be happy about my decision, I didnt want to disappoint him, so I got the abortion. I think about it now and I wish I wouldve had my baby. If I was thinking like how I am right now, my baby wouldve been in my arms. And now I know that my mum wouldve helped me and I was wrong the whole time about my mum lashing out. I had this all bottled up inside of me and I have been getting these suicidal thoughts, but I been there and done that. Its not a route I want to revisit.

All I am stressing here. Is that regardless of your situation, You need to think real fucking hard before you decide to get an abortion. I know right now that I will regret this for the rest of my life. So I really dont want more girls to go through this. Think before you do anything.

First thing first is wrap it up for fuck sake!

If you dont wrap it up and get pregnant, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

If you dont believe in god then think to yourself. You can wake up everyday and you've experience your happiest and lowest days. You've seen single mothers or dads that look after their children and even though through the struggle they are still happy. You can handle it. Even if you dont think you can I dont know how to stress, regardless of the situation your in you can handle it. But if you think you cant then you need to have someone. Even if its someone online that you could talk to (be careful though) at least you have some sort of support. There are phone lines that allow you speak and they listen and advise you. We are in the fucking age where we can do that. We are so advantaged!

Please think before you get an abortion because the last thing you want to come to mind and eventually come out of your mouth is

"I wish I never got an abortion"

Sorry this is so long.. If anyone needs advice on literally anything, doesnt need to be about abortions, just slide im dms.. Sharing will help aswell so more people can see and advise others. A post can do so much. But I can do so little and just share my story and hope that hopefully Im helping someone who thinks that theyre by themselves.

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

10.07.2017 – Journal; The Wave.

The internet’s chaos reflects our mind’s chaos. I think it’s why it’s so hard to focus when using the internet. I feel my ability to procrastinate goes well goes beyond my awareness. I don’t even know what I’m procrastinating right now. Stand-up? Writing stand-up? I’m not procrastinating exercise – I’ve been doing that but am I using it to procrastinate doing other stuff and it’s giving me the illusion of productivity? I wish I could write material like Stanhope, Hicks, Bruce, Sun, C.K., Lee, Burr, Power, etc. But it’s when you try that nothing comes out. You just suck. If you try to be overly clever like Stewart Lee you sound retarded and if you try to be dark like Stanhope you sound fake. Seems forced. I’m too much in my own head right now. I’m pissing around in my mind. I’m avoiding fear. To be progressing is to be terrified and to be terrified is to be uncomfortable and right now I’m comfortable as fuck. Fear is the thing to look for. I know exactly where it is. But I’m not facing it because I’m a coward.

I had to snap out of it just then. I was sitting, scrolling mindlessly through my newsfeed listening to a WTF podcast episode and I wasn’t even in my own brain. I was fucked. I mean I was listening. But not really. I created this limbo state where I don’t have to do anything or engage in anything fully. Like families that watch TV while they eat. 2 things happening at once, both senses being stimulated – it removes you from reality.

Still a tiny part of me that misses smoking when drinking (I’ve quit smoking). When drunk you smoke constantly. The 2 combined creates some freedom from reality. Or maybe a distraction from reality. Add music and enjoyable conversation and you’ve got yourself some sweet relief. It’s probably a load of shit and I’m nostalgic.

Being young, you don’t do enough because you think you’ll live to 80 – you think you’ve got time. You have 60 good years on average. Years 70 – 80+ seem like shit if your body’s a mess. My life’s already a third done. Depressing. What the fuck’s is this existence? I’m surprised people aren’t all in psychiatric wards. How are we all not lying in beds by the millions just going - ‘What the fuck dude?!’

I’m a terrified person. I’m terrified of nearly everything. You say this out loud to people and they react like – ‘Come on mate? Why you being a pussy?’. How’s it that people can be so well adjusted? In their tight bodies and tight clothes. How is everyone so OK with everything? We’re all afraid and we’re all bored. That’s why we all drink. Liquid courage mate. That’s what frightens me – that people are OK with this. That’s a true horror movie. I think maybe that’s why I watch horror movies. They tell you what’s scary and you go ‘yay or nay’ all the while the true horror is the reality that your sitting in to watch the film.

I don’t even know if I’ll actually die. Maybe some weird shit’ll happen. I’ll probably die. It’ll be as if nothing ever happened. My whole life - nothing but a dream. Nothing but a meat computer freaking out for ‘x’ amount of years. I’m banking a lot on my Christian friends getting me into heaven.

The Wave

Excerpt from Facebook messenger:

Me: your in the original hoooooooooooouse?

Her: Yes Come pound me

Me: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah im coming

Her: Yayyy. U know I'm menstruating

Me: i know

Her: Yaaaayt

I loaded my phone with mostly Radiohead. Some of my favourites; 4 Minute Warning and Videotape. 2 utterly emotionally obliterating sad songs. The depressive thoughts from yesterday leaked into the current day. I wasn’t in the mood to fuck. But being a dude… of course I jumped on the opportunity.

I got the train to the city. Feeling emotionally horrendous. I started to consider the fact that even when I keep good mental hygiene; meditate, exercise, drink less, smoke less, go to bed at an OK time, wake up at an OK time I still inevitably feel very depressed throughout the day. But without reason. I can feel real dark without thinking about anything. Not suicidal, just very low. Do I have a chemical imbalance? Who knows but I’ll never take your fucking pills Mark Zuckerberg! Fuck you man! I have my reality straight. Hold the rocks.

Ironically the more depressed I am the more I write. Not much inspiration comes from a happy mind. It’s because if you’re sad you must get it out of you. You need to release something. Most people are content just to tell their close friends their problems. But I must smear them all over the internet like shitty graffiti in a public toilet. At least I put a lot of time into editing.

On the train, I read the book my girlfriend bought me for my birthday. I Swear I’ll Make It Up to You by Mishka Shubaly. A memoir by a musician, poet, artist, alcoholic, friend of my favourite comedian, Doug Stanhope, and writer of some of the best drinking songs/songs I’ve ever heard.

So far, it’s a fucking brutal read. On the train, I read about how a shooting happened in his school when he was a bit younger than me. Some wayward punk kid that was a bit weird and intimidated everyone asked this guy, Mishka, if he could get him a gun. Being in America I guess that’s not such a weird question. Mishka thought nothing of it and got him a gun. The next day he shot up the fucking school. Wounding a bunch of people and killed a kid and teacher. I read this while Thom Yorke wailed in my ears.

It took forever to get to her house. One of the trains cooked itself and I had to go back to the city and catch a tram. The longer the journey became the dumber I felt. I eventually got there. She came and let me in and took me to the lounge room where her friend/roommate was.

I sat down on a camper bed on the carpet. They were in the process of moving house. I was introduced to her friend and immediately forgot her name.

‘Want a bong?’. She asked laughing.

‘Sure’. I said.

It had tobacco mixed with the weed but I didn’t give a fuck at this point. I asked if it was strong – they laughed and said I’d be fine.

I smoked the bong carefully. Going slow as to not start coughing all over the place.

They said they’d been high for 3 days. All day. I asked how they felt. ‘Terrible - like we’re losing our minds’ – they laughed. ‘I know what you mean’ I said.

I started talking to her – just mundane shit really. Her personality was all over the place. She’d jump from one emotion to the next. One topic to the next, have an opinion and contradict it flippantly, tell you to shut up and the cycle would repeat. I couldn’t tell if it was her version of fun. It felt kinda stressful. It didn’t feel real. Was sort of thrilling but so is nearly slipping down the stairs and catching yourself. Felt like her personality was sand slipping through my fingers. I was high.

She commanded the lounge room like an MC with strong energy but lacklustre material, like she was MCing a gig she didn’t give a fuck about… Too 2 stoned people. I tried to engage with everything she said as per usual which was jarring to the situation.

Her friend was so calm. Sitting upright in the middle of the room hugging a pink water bottle. She had big thick glasses and a cute fringe. One of those fringes that’s straight the whole way around, they’re always cute. She was so relaxed sitting next to this ball of intense energy.

I smoked a few more bongs. The nicotine lightly coursed through me. I was high but still in control. Didn’t feel horny or calm, or relaxed. Somewhere In the middle of all those things. Unpleasant.

Eventually I had to comment on this girl’s insanity.

‘What’s going on dude? What the fuck is this? You’re all over the place… are you OK?’. I asked.

Her friend answered for her – ‘Hey man just relax… it’s just like… how do I explain this… you know when you’re on drugs yeah…?’

‘Yeah?’. I said.

‘Well… you know when something fucked up happens when you’re on drugs… and you think… like… oh no… I’m having a bad trip… yeah?’. She said.

‘Yeah…?’. I said.

‘Well you know… you just ride it out yeah? It’s like a wave. Like a wave at the beach. She’ll look at you, say you’re pretty and a good person, then she’ll snap and be like fuck you! Then she’ll go hang out with Bubby (her cat). Then she’ll go on her phone. Then it’ll repeat. Again, and again… like a wave at the beach yeah?’

‘Yeah I think I see what you mean…’. I said and slowly turning to her, half in horror half in fascination.

Her face softened. Her mouth readjusted around her braces. Adorable but now a little scary. I was looking at her differently. I looked in her eyes as hard as I could manage. It was freaking me the fuck out. Kinda made me sad. I realised looking at her I didn’t really want to fuck. Not tonight anyway. I’d prefer just to talk. But talking seemed like work right now. She seemed so insane in that moment.

I’m endlessly attracted to crazy girls. Don’t know why… and when I say crazy in no way am I saying I’m normal. Or more normal than her or anyone else. I don’t want to be overly harsh - I feel mean saying she’s crazy. Maybe she was going through some shit that night? It’s just how I felt at the time.

There’s something so attractive to me about an unstable mind inside of a cute body and face. I could see myself committing and putting up with this insanity for the high that came with being around someone like that. It freaked me out how open she was about her selfishness - ‘I only care about myself’ she said. It made me feel alone.

Crazy in the head, great in bed. That’s what they say isn’t it?

Why? I think it’s because it’s the opposite of intimate. If you’re crazy it’s like you’re not even there half the time. Ever talked to a crazy person? There’s no consistency. You tend to treat them unlike a real person, even if subconsciously. It gives you confidence because you feel like no one’s recording this shit -  their consciousness is flawed, they have a faulty memory emotionally and generally. So, when you fuck a crazy girl and she’s wailing on your dick like it’s a sexy exorcism you feel like you can try shit you’d usually be afraid of trying. Not because you’re on the same page but because she’s in a different fucking book. My first long term girlfriend was completely mental - the sex was great.

If you’re on the same page and you know each other it can be awkward to give away your kinks. Because you respect each other. I don’t want to tell my girlfriend what I want if it’s a bit fucked. We’ve got to have muesli in the morning and look each other in the eye. Obviously, I just have a lot of intimacy problems.

It seems people are one or the other. Super open with strangers. Totally comfortable with their sexuality, having a sick time, fucking a bunch of different people. Do they have long term committed, monogamous partners? No. Long term excitement with a singular person seems hard to maintain… or people don’t really believe you if you say you’ve achieved it. It’s fucked dude. It’s like everything’s in the dark. No one has any real answers. Because you get mixed messages from both parties. No one seems to have a common truth. No one seems to have sorted it. The closest I get to truth are in Doug Stanhope’s bits. But is there a complete answer? No. I don’t so.

All this shit I’m whinging about is pointless. When I drink too much and nothing else is going wrong I think my problem’s drinking. If stand-up isn’t going well I think that’s the cause of my trauma. If sex is a problem, If I’m shit with money - It’s a rotating fucking wheel. It’s a wave at the beach. It’s the same for everyone I think. No one’s sorted we just get better at not giving a fuck.

We went up to her room. Because she had her period she chucked a black blanket on top of a bare mattress to keep it safe from the blood. We sat down. I tried to emulate and reflect her insanity back on her.

‘Tell me about your tattoo, what does it mean?’. I asked, pointing at her thigh.

‘…I don’t know what it means I only got it the oth – shut up, too slow!’. I interrupted.

‘What’s the longest friend you’ve ever had?’. I asked, talking quickly.

‘…Um I don’t know … like what do you mean?’. She replied.

‘Shut up who cares. You’re very pretty’. I said, mirroring her bi-polarisms.

‘Are you doing… me!?’ She asked, almost shouting. And fell forward, head onto the bed laughing.

‘Yeah I am. What’s it feel like to be on the other end?’. I asked.

‘I don’t know… no one’s ever done that to me before’. She replied.

We both lay on the bed and looked at the carpet. It was a mess of general bits and pieces. Classic miscellaneous, abstract rubbish you get when you move house. We looked at the bland carpet landscape in stoned fascination. I wasn’t even fascinated to be honest. I just needed something for my brain to latch onto.

She picked up a tiny piece of cylindrical plastic and sort of planted it into the carpet. It stood amongst the carpet trash like a lone cactus in a desert. We then picked up 2 tiny rocks and a bit of blue-tac and placed it around the base. Bizarrely it was almost fun. She took a close-up photo of our sculpture and uploaded it to Instagram with a caption like – ‘$500 to who can guess what this is’.

I edged closer to her. I wanted to touch her but I didn’t know how to start touching her. What’s the protocol on casual sex? When’s it weird? Too affectionate? Or not enough? I have no fucking idea. I’m new to this.

She pulled up her big red jumper to reveal her butt and humped the bed animatedly without saying anything as she flicked through her phone.

I guess that’s invitation enough? Surely… Although I still didn’t touch her. I made ridiculous conversation. Asking her weirdly personal questions. She answered them though. This quickly peated out and she interrupted my bullshit and said - ‘Alright now stick your dick in me’ and spread her legs. I just laughed and said ‘What the fuck man? Are you serious?’. ‘Yeah’ she said. ‘Can I kiss you?’ I asked. ‘No. Just fuck me’ she said.

She picked some music to fuck too, flung her phone away and lay her head face down on the bed.

I held her head down on the bed by her neck.

I tried to generate a dominant state of mind. But the situation was too distracting. The wave. The sand-like personality. The insanity. The weed.

I tried to pretend I hated her. Maybe that’d make it easier to fuck? Fucking shameful of me I know.

I started fingering. Getting into somewhat of a rhythm. Trying to discover a clit from the opposite angle. I felt quite horny now. I felt the adrenaline start to build inside me like last time. I could smell the metallic blood smell from the period.

I realised that I wasn’t getting hard at all. It freaked me out. I started spinning out in my mind. The more I tried to get hard the more impossible it seemed. A weird feeling. It was like when I have dreams that I’m in a fight but can’t throw punches and when I try to throw punches they’re in slow motion and soft. On paper, there’s no reason this situation wouldn’t turn me on. So, it confused me and time was running out.

‘What are you doing?! Just fuck me already!’ She half shouted, slightly muffled, her mouth on the mattress.

I managed to muster a very meagre, mid-strength boner. A boner like a doomed child actor. So much promise and potential but little did it know it was going to crash and burn before it could reach maturity.

I jumped up and removed my fingers from inside her. Being stoned I’d totally forgotten about the period. I looked at my fingers in confusion for a moment and then remembered. I grabbed my jacket haphazardly, making my headphones clunk onto the floor and my book fall out. I threw my jacket onto the mattress. I went to reach into the pocket but stopped again noticing the blood on my hand. I used my other hand which felt unnatural. It took forever but I eventually found the pocket with the condoms.

The last time we fucked. I hadn’t used a condom. This time I was so over prepared it was hilarious. I had a roll of roughly 8 condoms and 2 packs of lube! It reminded me of the time I went for a job interview to be a Lollypop Lady, helping kids cross the street. I went to the interview casually dressed. The only other guy being interviewed turned up in a suit. Ridiculous I thought but he got the job.

I took my pants off to reveal a very underwhelming, lukewarm boner. I tried to hide it. I got back to fingering. But it felt stupid. I gave up and started laughing. I leaned on my side.

‘Dude… I’m really sorry… but I just can’t get hard. It’s really weird… this hasn’t happened to me before...’. I said.

‘Yeah it’s OK. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it’. She said very quickly.

‘… Are you sure I can’t kiss you?’. I asked.

‘No’. She said.

‘OK…’. I said leaning back. Trying my best not to look at my depressed looking dick.

We lay there for a bit. She started playing with her nipples. Both pierced. She told a story about them but I forget the details. The atmosphere in the room softened. I almost felt relaxed. I started to get hard. One final attempt maybe? But it was short lived – my dick retreated. I lay there feeling a combination of intense melancholy and emptiness. I said sorry a few more times and we got in the shower.

I felt a disconnection to her. To everything really. Standing in the shower I let my vision blur. I put my hand close to the spout. We had some mundane chat about the soap and I zoned out. Everything went out of focus like a depressing abstract painting, grey, white, black and her light pink silhouette. Maybe this is where Rothko got his inspiration.

‘Are you depressed?’ – She asked.

‘Um… yeah… sure’. I said absent minded.

‘Are you?’. I asked.

‘Hehe… sometimes’. She said.

I dried myself. Put my clothes back on and sat on the mattress. In hindsight, I should’ve left straight away… for everyone’s sake. But for some reason I just sat on the mattress looking depressed like I just got my Uni results and I’d failed everything.

We said a few more things. She answered while flicking around on her phone.

I jolted back into reality, said sorry for the 20th time and started to leave. We said goodbye. She told me not to worry about what happened.

I walked out the front door and checked my phone. I had like 9 messages from my mum.

‘Liam. When did you do the Ketamine?!’ ‘Liam answer now!’ ‘Please answer!’. I laughed to myself and put my headphones on.

(To clear up. 2 posts ago I briefly mentioned I tried the classic drug Ketamine. I went into no detail. It’s not that interesting and it wasn’t that important of an experience. I talk a lot about suicidal, depressive, nihilistic thoughts in a post in-between that one and this one. I think my mum thinks they’re connected – Ketamine and me being a whining, depressed fuck. It’s hilarious to me how irrelevant and bad timing her pestering about the Ketamine was. It’s sweet though but Mum I’m fine.)

I headed back to the city with a fierce hunger to get obliterated drunk. I wanted to forget everything. I headed to a bottle shop.

Saw a guy wrapped up in a blanket. 2 longnecks wrapped in brown paper either side of him. Sitting right outside the bottle shop. Bottle to his lips and swinging back and forth like Stevie Wonder minus the smile and sun glasses. I looked at him enviously. Soon I thought… soon I could be like him.

Standing in the bottle shop it dawned on me how high I was. I pulled a shoelace undone with my foot. A wave of self-conscious stoner worry rushed through me – did that just look retarded? Do I look super cooked right now? I leant down and tied my shoe. It felt like minutes. While I was down there I could hear reggae quietly plodding away on the store speakers. I turned to the shop keeper dramatically. He looked me in the eye very non-cholent. It relaxed me. I started to browse the beers. Bought 3 longnecks and left, heading home.

The train line was intermittently replaced by busses. I had to wait at a station for 20 minutes while the next train came. I had 2% battery left on my phone. It was cold. The longnecks clinked in my plastic bag as I walked along the platform. I went to the toilet – not even needing to piss and contemplated drinking a longneck in the cubical to pass the time. The door didn’t even have a lock and the Protective Service Officers lurked around the station constantly. I was already high. I decided against it. But I craved it so fucking hard.

My phone died as I was listening to Myxomatosis by Radiohead. The song that sounds like all the FIFA games from the early 2000s. I felt retarded. I kept reading my depressing yet very good book until the train came.

Got on the train. Kept reading. Got off the train and moved quickly. Looking at any shrubbery or bench that I could enjoy a late-night beverage and not be interrupted by the bouncers of the universe – the police.

I walked quickly down the street. I crossed the road and thought I’d heard voices in my head. This used to happen when I was super depressed and would walk around the streets of Hobart high at 2am with no purpose, no direction, just trying to not think about anything. Trying not to think about girls I liked and trying not to think about death. I had a little tin that originally held breath mints. I’d fill it with rolled ciggies. I’d smoke 1 every 15 – 20 minutes. Not really enjoying them and I’d listen to Joy Division. I went to the school on the corner near my house. A place with a huge stretch of grass. Perfect for public drinking. You want a good vantage point like a sniper. So if someone’s going to interrupt you have time to get away.

I drank the Melbourne Bitter longneck as quickly as I could while my eyes adjusted to the small amount of light so I could read. It didn’t taste that good. I looked at the Melbourne Bitter logo and said – ‘Yes… I feel very bitter… and I’m in Melbourne’. Which is ridiculous. Implying that Melbourne is the reason for anything bad that’s recently happened. But I guess it’s what our dumb brains do -  simplify shit. The words of a comedian I really admire rang in my head - ‘Don’t go to Melbourne you’ll fucking hate it…’. Thanks for your encouraging words Tim Logan.

I started saying my thoughts out loud. I said – ‘oh yeah no I get it… I get how people become this! Homeless… just drinking on the streets swaying back and forth. Talking to people in their heads.’

In a way, it felt kind of liberating. The idea of living on the street. Normal people pretending not to notice you. Smashing long necks and selling recycled, re-rolled ciggies to other homeless people. Sitting on the street writing my journals while passes by filled my beanie with enough change to fill my MyKi enough to go to an open mic and back. That’s the dream, isn’t it?

A comedian at a party once told me about this philosopher Eckhart Tolle. When he was younger in his late twenties he was going to kill himself, but decided to live in his local park for a few years and loved it apparently. It allowed him to enjoy his existence. Now he’s a successful philosopher – if you can believe that. No idea if any of that’s true.

Even though you could hardly call it ‘being in nature’ the soccer pitch I was sitting on, after a while, started to give me that feeling you get when you go camping. You know when it starts to get dark and you feel yourself getting sleepy at like 8pm? You feel comfort being around the nature.

I kept drinking and reading. The book hit me hard. It made me clench up and moan and push my back into the wall. The whole evening depressed me. I’d smashed 2 longnecks in the space of 15 minutes. I was sufficiently numb. I saved the nicest longneck for my girlfriend, closed my book and headed home.

Excerpt from An Attempt at A Novel – From 2015

This one time I walked up the garden path out of boredom and, I don’t know, loneliness and found three young boys that when I asked what was going on all simply poked out their tongues to show very small, singular square pieces of paper. I’ve never had a question answered with a tongue being poked out. They all disappeared and I was left with this quiet but friendly guy that didn’t say much but gave you a lot of attention.  We sat watching the TV in the lounge room. I think the cricket was on or something. We weren’t really watching it but that’s where our gaze inevitably fell. It’s weird how nowadays people just chuck TVs everywhere; waiting rooms, hospitals, dentists, malls, kitchens, bathrooms, cars and even their own lounge rooms. The Television pretty much governs a lounge room. It’s the ruler of the room. It’s a portal for any occasion, whatever the weather, whatever the time, even when there’s nothing desirable on the fucking thing. It’s like noisy incense that lets off way too much smoke and chokes the mind. But at the same time gives some disgusting feeling of comfort. I don’t know why it makes me so angry or sour, I guess it’s just how casually people turn them on and put them places, especially when they don’t even have the sound on and people in waiting rooms blankly look at the screens while their kids play with the shitty toys provided. Its external meditation; meditation that gives you no calmness but makes you a vegetable for a bit. We were watching the television, or at least looking at it. The lounge room was messy pretty much 80 percent of the time.