#wrote an hour ago and scheduled tbh

[deeisace]

Aaaand, collapse.

Mega tired today. Alright, really, but just. Tired.

Not as tired as I was during that winter from hell - when I worked 45 hour weeks for like idk ages. Months? Between three different shops. And was too tired to function, basically. Literally walking home with my eyes closed, falling asleep on my breaks, too tired once I got home to stand up to do the microwave, even.

I swear if anyone knew how much microwave food I have/how little I cook, they'd give me stick about being lazy or something, but like. You don't understand. This is so much improvement. This is a good thing, actually. Yes I will eat microwave food and pre-cut fruit, because I actually can, and the alternative is that I do not eat at all, and I make myself ill again. So. Fuck yehs, whoever says things like that.

Anyway. Not quite that level of tired, but I am having a nap before I get up to do dinner.

Oh, and then new Doctor Who I forgot about!

[c0llisiion]

NUMB TO THE FEELING — j.jk

♡pairing : jjk + fem!reader

♡: not proof read, exs, idol!jungkook x idol!reader , fwb kinda? , smut , mutual masturbation - lmk if i missed any!

W/C : 1,162

Pt.2 , Pt.3

A/N : SORRY 4 DISAPPEARING AGAINNNNN! i js got too busy guys 😣😣😣😣 rqs are open! Send in your rqs and prompts ily <33 anyways here is a jk fic i wrote instead of finishing my other jk fic :3

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ MDNI. Please refrain from reading if the topics make you uncomfortable. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

2 months. Its been 2 months since you broke it off with jungkook. It was all over the news, a hot topic for the k media. ‘BTS’s Jungkook and Y/G/N’s y/n ends 4 year relationship’, was still trending on naver. It happened so quickly. Knets are already placing the blame on you for the breakup, as they view you as a mean rebel idol who breaks hearts and messes around. A face of disgust was plastered on your face as you scroll through the endless amounts of hate comments knets put under the articles.

“Wow I always knew she was a bitch”

“She definitely cheated on him with another idol lol”

“What do you expect when you date a wh*re? Jungkook should have never dated her”

“She ruined his image”

Back and forth, people were calling you degrading names and putting Jungkook in a good light. They said all of this while not knowing a single thing about how your breakup unfolded. It was mutual. You both started getting busy with schedules. That simple. Maybe a few disagreements here and there. Maybe a few trust issues but the main point was it was mutual and you both broke up because of schedules. You got tired of the same comments and decided to turn off your phone but you got a new notification.

baby star candy 🤍

Hey

Tf is he doing at this hour?

Y/n

???

baby star candy 🤍

Is it okay if i come over?

Classic jungkook. Getting straight to the point. You stared at the text for a while not realising that you were leaving him on seen.

My baby star candy 🤍

Helloooooo?????

Its fine if you dont want me to

Y/n

Yes. Quick.

You sent your reply before his second text got to properly load. And there you were. Your phone turned off, biting your nails as you waited for jungkook.

It didn't take him a lot of time. Reaching your place in under 7 minutes and 13 seconds. You heard your doorbell and you immediately rushed to the door. You stood at the door for some time, avoiding the impression that you were eagerly anticipating his arrival.

You opened the door and see the tall bulky black haired man with his calvin klein hoodie and grey shorts. You stared at him before he brought you back to reality by snapping his fingers. You let him in before locking the door. You grabbed him by his wrists and took him upstairs to your room.

He quickly settled in your bed letting out a deep sigh, Relaxing and stretching his limbs out onto the bed. His arm was tucked behind his head as he patted the empty space next to him with half lidded eyes. You rolled your eyes before snuggling with him. Your tv was on and playing a random tv show you put almost an hour ago, forgetting to it turn off. You sighed and relaxed into his arm. The silence was comfortable. Jungkook was playing with the hems of shorts and you with the drawstrings of his shorts. You knew where this would lead to.

His hands started slowly massaging your thighs and ass in a comforting way. Its like he knew you were sad. And he did. “Im sorry” he spoke up. You looked up at him. His eyes were focused on the tv infront. “Im sorry about those comments. I should have said somethin’.” He said finally looking down at you. You shook your head and nuzzled into him closer “dont be. Its not your fault. Tbh i really dont gaf.” He chuckled at your attitude. He always liked your idgaf attitude. That’s what made him ask you out. “So you are not sad?” He asked his hands trailing up your shirt, cold fingers resting under your tits. “Hmm i was but then there is no reason for me to be. Maybe we should upload one of our sextapes to show those bitchy knets and completely appall them..” you giggled thinking about their reaction. Jungkook sighed and chuckled. “Yeah? Which one? Our old ones or the one we are gonna make rn?” His cold fingers squeezed your bare tits and tugged on your hard nipples. You hissed at the feeling. He grabbed your hand using his other hand and started using yours to rub himself through his shorts. He let out a soft groan throwing his head back. You bit your lip as you felt his hand lower into your shorts, quickly taking your sensitive bud in between his fingers, tugging it gently. You gasped and held onto his wrists as he continued abusing your bud. He was growing harder and harder because of your hands and the unholy sounds you let out every time he flicked your clit. You put your hands into his shorts and wrapped your fingers around his dick. Your movements were restricted by his shorts which opted you to pull his dick completely out. You stared at it. Oh how much you missed that monster. “Quit staring baby..” you felt yourself melt as he inserts two fingers into your sopping hole. A loud squelch was heard when he started fingering you. Your hands lazily worked up and down his shaft. Small spurts of precum already leaking out of his red tip. You picked up your pace and so did he. You twisted your wrists around his tip. You knew how sensitive he was there and continued. His eyes were squeezed shut as soft moans left his mouth. He started choking on them as he felt your hands squeeze around his length. God the way you had this man under your control with Just your hands was insane. He was quick to return the favour as two more fingers were added. His thumb rested on your clit rubbing it in circles furiously as he fucked your cunt with his long fingers. Loud noises accompanied by yours and his moans were the only sounds heard in the room. Your vision went white as you finally reached your end. Squirting all over his hands and wetting your shorts as well as your sheets. You let out choked out moans and your back arched off of the bed.

“Attagirl…” jungkook said with furrowed eyebrows as he kept finger fucking you. Your hand movements got sloppy which prompted jungkook to thrust into your hands. You picked up pace which made jungkook stiffen. You knew his orgasm was close from the his facial expressions and his voice. You stared at his face as you watch your ex boyfriend come undone under your grasp. He let out a final gasp before cumming all over your hands. You slowed down your movements finally letting go of his softening cock before bringing your fingers to your mouth, licking all his salty cum clean, staring deeply into his brown eyes.

Only you had him like this. No other woman will never come to your level ever.

A/n : HEHEHE sex tape part 2? 🤭🤭🤭🤭 ALSO SORRY FOR THE USAGE OF BABY STAR CANDYAJJEKAJWJA I JS HAD TOOOOOO

[rayshippouuchiha]

TBH the lack of Real Respect Tsuna and Skull both get makes me wanna see ‘em just… Vanish. They aren’t hurt, or in trouble, but they both end up tired as hell and want like. One (1) year to themselves, without being called shit like useless or lackey or weak. So they fuck off and onto some whimsical journey across the world, probably running into the fair folk or some shit (because Tsuna’s Super Anxiety would make him a damn hard target for them, and I feel like they’d just Vibe with Skull. Immortal and all that).

Meanwhile, everyone back in Namimori is losing. their. shit. Trying to find their two dumbasses, flipping every damn stone over because they’ve Clearly been kidnapped. No One notices the note Tsuna and Skull left, because Skull still isn’t the best at writing and Tsuna’s Super Anxiety kicked in and said that if he wrote it he’d never get his goddamn vacation.

To clarify, this is meant to be (mostly) humorous, but I’m curious to see where you’d go with an idea like this. I just want Skull and Tsuna to travel the world together TBH. Feel like they’d make good brothers.

Oh oh yes. Obviously there'll be humor but, well, it's me and we all know how these things eat my brain and I have to give them some bite so:

Skull isn't really one of Arcobaleno that Tsuna generally spends much time with.

When it comes to the Strongest, the ones Tsuna's found himself spending the most time with has always been Reborn and, surprisingly enough, Fon.

Reborn is around more often than not, content to keep torturing Tsuna even if his official title has shifted from Demon Tutor to Demon Tutor/Advisor.

And Fon's tendency to stop by frequently can be chalked up to I-pin and the fact that, for some reason, the Storm seems to be under the impression that hanging around Tsuna will, somehow, help him grow closer to Hibari.

Which is something that doesn't really make much sense to Tsuna. Even after years of being dragged into and out of various ridiculous shenanigans together, and despite recent Hibari's tendency to commandeer Tsuna's bed or floor or balcony at random times to nap, Tsuna's still not convinced that Hibari actually remembers he exists whenever they're not in the same room together.

And sometimes not even then.

A part of Tsuna also suspects that the "Small Animal" title he carries now might just be Hibari's way of getting around the fact that he doesn't remember Tsuna's actual name anymore.

It is, much like most everything else involving Hibari and Tsuna's thoughts about him, confusing and difficult for Tsuna to make up his mind about.

So, besides Reborn's continued sadism and Fon regularly attempting to use Tsuna as some kind of emotional Switzerland and/or human sacrifice to Hibari, Tsuna tends to see the other Arcobaleno on a bit of a floating schedule.

Viper, as Reborn has taken to insisting everyone outside of the Varia call the Mist, tends to blip in and out every once in a while. Often bringing news from Xanxus and leaving with anything strawberry flavored in Tsuna's house and whatever money he might have in his wallet at the moment.

Lal Mirch and Colonello tend to arrive and depart together, attached at the hip now no matter how much they bicker.

Verde's version of checking in seems to come in the form of sending whatever new robot or nightmare construct he's thought of to attack Tsuna and "gather data".

But Skull?

Tsuna rarely sees Skull.

The Cloud floats in and out of town only rarely and never stays longer than absolutely necessary. Often times he's gone within the hour.

Which is, in Tsuna's opinion, actually kind of a shame.

Because the thing is, Tsuna actually likes Skull.

Oh, he hadn't a few years ago when they'd first come across each other.

No back then Tsuna had hated each new and increasingly ridiculous trap/trick/shenanigan and situation Reborn had managed to push him into.

Skull had just been another irritation on a rapidly increasing list of things Tsuna hadn't wanted to deal with.

But ,,,

Well, it hadn't taken Tsuna long to realize that Skull and he were much more alike than he'd ever thought possible back at the beginning.

And now, with a few years of Reborn and this mafia headache under his belt?

Now Skull's someone that Tsuna wouldn't actually mind seeing more of.

Even though he knows it's not likely to happen.

Mainly because Tsuna's not actually a complete idiot no matter what some people still seem to think.

Tsuna's seen enough interactions between Reborn and Skull to have a pretty good idea about where some of the chips in that relationship fall.

Plus Hyper Intuition is helpful for more than just life-or-death battles these days even if Tsuna's not made that fact as openly obvious as he might once have.

It's yet another area in which Tsuna's found he can sympathize with Skull.

Because Tsuna also has a hyper-violent sadist he half wishes he could care less about sometimes.

Which is why Tsuna's so surprised to see a familiar pair of leather-clad legs dangling over the edge of the roof when he steps out onto his balcony, desperate to escape the screaming and general chaos that has once again taken over his house.

Tsuna goes to call out only for that familiar flare of warning heat to snap his mouth closed.

Instead Tsuna does something that he wouldn't have been able to a few short years ago.

He reaches up, grabs the edge of his roof in one hand, and pulls himself up onto the tiles above him.

When he's kneeling on the roof a few seconds later Tsuna finds himself glad that he didn't make too much noise, glad that he didn't draw any attention to Skull.

Because Skull's currently laid out on Tsuna's roof, legs dangling over the side but arms pillowed behind his head, helmet settled at his hip and eyes trained on the night sky and face almost eerily blank.

It is, Tsuna can't help but think, the quietest he's ever seen Skull.

It's honestly a little unsettling.

But, worst of all somehow in Tsuna's opinion, is the fact that Skull looks ,,, tired.

He doesn't even bother to greet Tsuna beyond flicking those vibrant violet eyes in his direction before going back to his star gazing.

To Tsuna, Skull has never looked more like everything he was taught a Cloud is supposed to be than in this moment.

Cold.

Illusive.

Bound to drift away.

The thought sends a shiver of premonition down Tsuna's spine.

Tsuna finds himself laying down on the roof beside him, legs dangling over the edge and arms folded behind his head.

Their elbows are just barely brushing.

And all the while a flickering whisper in the back of Tsuna's mind sings.

"I'm tired," Tsuna finds himself saying some silent drawn-out minutes later.

A beat of silence.

"Yeah," Skull sighs, voice lower and smoother than Tsuna has ever heard it before, "me too."

"I," Tsuna pauses, swallows, feels his Intuition surge and sharpen, "I love my friends and I know they care too but sometimes I just ,,,"

Tsuna trails off because he knows that Skull understands without him ever having to finish.

"Wish you could go to sleep and wake up on the opposite end of the world so that maybe you could get some rest and peace before they inevitably find you again?" Skull offers.

"Yes," The answer practically bursts out of Tsuna.

Another beat of silence.

"I've got an airship," Skull announces.

Tsuna hears it for the offer it is.

"They'd find us," Tsuna points out softly, twisting just a bit so he's looking Skull in the face. "They'd hunt us down and drag us both back."

The smirk Skull sends him in return is far darker and slyer than any expression Tsuna's ever seen on his face before.

"Oh, malysh nebo," Skull practically purrs, "they could certainly try."

[potatoplace]

Omega Needs - chapter 1

Feyre x Tamlin, eventual Feyre x Rhys

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Series Masterlist

Story Summary: Feyre presented as an omega after being changed into a high fae Under the Mountain. Her heats have been hellish, and Tamlin has neglected certain aspects of her presentation. After the disastrous wedding ceremony, how will Feyre’s omega handle being away from her Alpha?

Words: ~1.3k

Warnings: smut, A/B/O dynamics/knotting

Author’s note: sooo it’s my first time writing in quite a bit. Like. Years. Also my first time writing smut, so apologies if it’s bad. But @acotar-omegaverse-week got me in the mood to write again finally, and tbh I’ve loved a/b/o for a long time and it’s just. Perfect in acotar. So yeah. Not written for any particular day, Written for day 2: turning up the heat, and just setting up the story a bit in this. Also I wrote this in one sitting and haven’t proofread… oops… and don’t know where exactly this is going.

18+ only

---

Feyre was upset. But she didn’t know why.

She had gone into heat for the first time nine months ago. In the days leading up to it, she hadn’t felt safe sleeping in such an open space, so she had created fluffy mound of pillows and blankets to surround all sides of her bed. That had helped soothe her anxieties a bit. But not enough.

She had even snuck a few of Tamlin’s shirts from his clothes bin, not feeling the slightest bit embarrassed about it when the added presence of his scent calmed her down and allowed her to sleep with only a few nightmares.

But then the cramping started. And the heat licking up her spine had been unbearable. Even a cold bath had only helped abate the fire for a few short minutes and she gave up and dragged herself back into her bed.

Tamlin had shown up a few hours later, tossing the pillows and fabrics at the end of the bed onto the ground as he eyed Feyre with a predatory glint in his eyes.

“Pretty omega,” he crooned, slowly getting on the bed, covering her naked body with his. “Did you need some help from your alpha?”

Feyre had whined, tugging at his shirt weakly, needing to feel his skin on hers, knowing it would help with the fire in her blood. “Please alpha, touch me,” she said, her voice breathless as she sucked in his scent.

Tamlin chuckled, pulling his shirt off over his head and throwing it to the side, Feyre’s eyes tracking where it landed, marking it for later. “I only have a couple of hours I can spare today, omega. I wish you’d told me you were nesting, I would have cleared my schedule in advance.” He paused, loosing a long breath into her neck, her answering breath in sharp and needy. He chuckled, pressing hard kisses to the side of her throat before sucking gently on her scent gland.

“Since you didn’t tell me, I won’t be able to help you much these first few days, omega.” More placating to her neck as she whined again. “I’ll have Lucien push anything after tomorrow, but maybe two days without your alpha’s knot will keep you from making that mistake again, hmm?” He finally, finally, placed a kiss on her mouth. And then her breasts. Then stomach.

She sighed a hum of agreement, just happy to finally have her alpha giving her the attention she needed, and threaded her hands into his hair, trying to push him lower with her remaining strength. He chuckled against her skin, before lapping up some of the slick that had been steadily leaking from her since this afternoon.

“Alpha,” Feyre whimpered, shifting her hips up into her face. “Need more. Please.” Tamlin smirked at her from between her thighs, his mouth gleaming with her slick.

“Need my knot, sweet omega?” A vigorous head shake later and Tamlin had shucked off his pants and lined up his cock with her cunt. “Good. I’m going to fill up this cunt, breed you full of pups. Would you like that omega?” Another head nod, tears forming at the edges of her eyes from the sheer need for him in that moment. He flashed another smirk at her, thrusting into her in one motion, pushing the air out of her lungs.

The stretch of him normally burned even when he went slow, but today? He fit perfectly in her, slick easing his way into her. As he pulled back, she sucked another breath in, preparing for the brutal pace she hoped he would set.

She wasn’t disappointed, the fast movements of his hips sending ice cold pleasure up her spine, and within minutes his knot had begun to catch in her, sending her into a blissful state, only thrown further in once his knot had locked him inside entirely, and he was spilling his seed deep inside her.

Finally, the heat had left her body.

Tamlin had rolled them to their sides, arms wrapped loosely around her. They sat in the quiet for a while, before his knot loosened and he pulled out of her, leaving her empty, and heat almost immediately started building in her abdomen again. A small whimper left her, and she tried to sit up to watch what Tamlin was doing, but collapsed back into her bed, only managing to angle her head in his direction.

He had already pulled his pants back on, and had moved to grab his shirt off the floor before looking at the fabrics lining the eyes of her bed. He pulled one of his shirts out from it, wrinkling his nose at it before dropping it. “Really Feyre? Stealing my clothes? Don’t do that anymore.”

Feyre frowned, not sure what was so wrong with it. “But your scent-”

“I don’t care omega, don’t steal my clothes anymore,” he said, his tone leaving no room for argument as he put his shirt back on. “Anyways, I have a meeting I have to go to, I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t leave your room, I’ll have Alis or Ianthe come up in a bit to check on you.”

Tears filled Feyre’s eyes at the thought of being alone, or worse yet with Ianthe, in this state. “Alpha, please don’t leave,” she begged, managing to push herself onto her knees in the middle of her bed as something inside of her panicked.

Tamlin looked back at her, already with his hand on the doorknob. “Oh, omega,” he sighed, “I already told you this would happen. Just think of it lie a punishment for not telling me you were nesting when you started,” he said coldly, opening the door and shutting it behind him, the sound of it latching breaking the dam on her tears as she fell back into her bed- no, nest.

The rest of her heat had passed in a cramp filled haze, Tamlin stopping in when he had the time, but never for longer than it took for his knot to deflate. She remembered him saying something about his schedule, but couldn’t think of exactly what.

But that was over. The next two heats, three months apart each, had gone fine, though she woke up alone during most days which hurt the part of her that she’d figured out was her omega. She wanted to wake up in his arms, knowing he was there to help if the heat got too unbearable. But that had only happened two days total in her first three heats, in the year since she had been high fae. Not that he wouldn’t burst through her door in the middle of the night if he had a nightmare about her death again. Why he didn’t just sleep in her room, she didn’t know.

But today, that doesn’t matter. Today is her wedding day.

Today is her wedding day, yet Feyre is angry.

She is angry about her dress. The obnoxiously poofy, overly resembling-a-cupcake dress was horribly itchy on her skin, and is just ridiculous and not her at all. Her hair has been teased into a fluffy, curly mess with so many pins she just knows her head will be aching all day.

And her omega? Well, she is pissed about the fact her alpha still hadn’t but her scent gland, marking her as his forever, and he refused to answer why. And, well, her nest hadn’t had any of Tamlin’s scent in it besides what he left behind during her heats, as he wouldn’t let her take his clothes since her first one. She had been more on edge after every heat, and nearing them as well because of the lack of him.

Today is her wedding day, and she’s hoping that after today, during her next heat in a few days, Tam will give her the mating mark her omega is craving. Because if not… she feels she might go insane.

[odinsblog]

what a fucking day

so my longtime followers and moots may know that something like a year ago i had a small (major) health scare. thankfully i got over it and im doing fine now. but because of the nature of my unexpected illness my doctor decided that i should probably have bloodwork done every four months or so just to be safe. this tuesday i had a bloodwork done

yesterday i get a phone call

not from my doctors office but from my doctor herself. on her personal cellphone 🤨

“hey odin hows it going?”

-um, doc this you?

“yes. hows everything going? how are you feeling?”

-fine? im feeling just fine. i am feeling just fine, right?

“haha. yes. dont worry. i dont mean to alarm you. everything is okay. but do you think you can come by my office tomorrow? any time. you dont need an appointment. just tell the front desk youre here to see me.”

-uh, okaaaay?? is everything alright? am i okay?

“yes. i just need to see you and go over some things from your last work up and maybe put you on some meds but its nothing serious. please come to my office tomorrow.”

-k. ill be there

and ofc when i got there today she wasnt in her office and not answering her phone and shes off this weekend so i guess imma be sweating bullets until this monday

whats really weird is that i had a quarterly checkup scheduled for monday of next week anyway

and for those reading this and speculating no disses to my doctor. she very likely saved my life a year ago and she always gives me big hugs whenever i see her (tbh the whole office does). its the first time in my life where the doctor isnt rushing me out of the office and for once i actually have to make excuses to leave after an hour or 90 minutes of “any questions?” and discussing my visit

im hoping that maybe i just wrote down the wrong day (even tho im certain that i didnt). hopefully my doc is okay and nothing is wrong on her end

now imma just skress out for the next 48hrs 🫥

[viscerawrites]

status update 9/28/2024

just a lil post to announce what fics ive worked on/tasks ive crossed off my checklist today! its mostly for myself rlly fcngnhkk buuut its here if anyone's curious ig? Im just chilling

---

what ive accomplished today:

wrote 492 words for chapter 2 of where love didn't exist

today was the first time ive been able to work on this fic (w/o anxiety) since i first posted it in january, so that's pretty nice! tbh i lost so much confidence in it after i lost my therapist since i was hoping to use it as a coping fic while i processed shit. but who knows, maybe it'll still help me learn things abt myself. regardless, im excited to be back at it!

wrote 156 words for my sleep token oneshot wip, the body as a temple ; got it to 913!

i havent worked on this one in a while either lol, mostly bc i started it right before The Anxiety started hitting me every time i sat down to write. i was honestly rlly nervous to return to it cuz i was scared I wouldn't be able to keep writing it at all. but im giving myself the grace to move slow, so. rare W for me.

retyped/sorta edited 582 words for chapter 1 of my hollywood undead wip the exorcism of jorel decker

i actually posted this 1st chapter a long while ago! then i deleted it, tried to rework into original fiction, realized i was having much more fun writing it as bandfic, and then foolishly orphaned the original version instead of just deleting </3 but the good news abt that is. idk if i still have it in my google docs at all. so at least i have that to reference LOL.

---

soo.

today is saturday september 28 (this month is going by way too fast fr) and it's just past 6pm rn. got a late start today bc i was exhausted as shit for a while, then i talked to my mom incessantly for what was apparently hours. So i only got started around 3pm (but i still needed to warm up, soo it took longer. Bleh).

didn't set my checklist goals at the start of the day like i planned to bc i was having The Anxiety and a bit of decision paralysis. and was also worried abt.. Various things. so it doesn't feel as successful today, but ive still gotten shit done and that's what should matter to me.

out of everything ive typed today, ive done abt 1,230 words in total so far. Most of that was unfortunately just me retyping shit ive already written and am now moving from google docs to ellipsus (which i highly recommend btw). i typically prefer to retype into new software instead of pasting; it gets the brain flowing better.

but i did still write some new words, and a lot of what i retyped was modified and added to. or cut. Whatever it needed rlly.

im still trying to find the proper schedule for myself + the best way to juggle my millions of projects/ideas. I need to allow myself some wiggle room while still having some structure. adhd is making this a bit difficult (as it so often does), but it's rlly just trial and error rn. Plus a lot of self-acceptance and focusing on making things easier and more fun for myself - instead of worrying abt the "most reasonable" way to do things. Or anything others might recommend.

I do still plan on writing some more before the night is done, so I might be back w/ an update for this before I head to bed. I got distracted by my brother while writing this post so it's now just after 6:45 LOL.

---

gonna close this post off w/ music ive been rlly liking today! bc,, why not.

Animals - Ice Nine Kills (maroon 5 cover)

Disturbia - The Cab (rihanna cover)

What I Never Learned In Study Hall - Ice Nine Kills

[monismochi]

Ok so some of yall might be able to relate but like... I get really bad anxiety with scheduling appointments and phone calls and just anything really tbh, it's like imposter syndrome of being an adult even though I'm basically 30 (im coming to realise it might actually be adhd tbh despite the fact my dr keeps thinking im depressed. But tbf.. she didnt see me any of my teen years or my 20s up until this last year so its not like she could make a suggestion. Imma bring up adhd on our next appointment though bc ive made sure to keep a standing one so i dont need to stress about rescheduling.)

And so I've been avoiding talking to my dentist for 5 years, and my financial advisor for 3 ( and before that another 6 years)

And I got a journal last week and wrote down the things I wanted to get done and was like... I'll probably not do them but I want to write them down bc I forget and then just feel bad and then repeat for months/years

GUESS WHO FINISHED EVERYTHING ON MY TO-DOs

I have both appointments booked, I have my work schedule changed, I signed up for my works retirement fund a few weeks ago AFTER ALMOST 6 YEARS OF AVOIDANCE, I have all my insurance up to date PLUS KNOW MY NUMBERS ON HOW TO USE IT, and I also finally sorted my medical supplies and how much I've forgotten to order and how much I'm being charged since I never updated my medical despite paying for it for years, and GUYS IM JUST???? I'm trying to feel excited but I'm also torn in a feeling of relief and stress instead of accomplishment but like?? This should be exciting right??? I spent majority of my 20s stressing about this stuff and it only took a few hours last weekend and last month, and now only like.. an hour today dudhdhe. How??? HOW WAS IT SO EASY WHEN ITS SO GD HARRRDDDD

[tainsan]

ITS MOREE THAN GOOD ENOUGH!! i wa spling my hair out from excitement!!

glad to know ive achieved my goals 😽😽

HELLP i only remember because it was sosososo cute and none of the other rlly have nicknames!! other than tint ofc which i ALSO hope sticks..

WOAHHH THREE NEW CHAPTERS?? look at you go!! im glad ur doing well though, hopefully you can do even better!!

yesyes! they haveee 🫶🏻 ive been doing good, a bit sick, but i am healing thank god. but rehearsal schedule is craaazy

-🦝

AHAHAHAH bae ilysm😭

Right??? When I wrote muffin for the first time I wasnt sure which member to put it with but I was like “hmmmm defo a wooyoung thing” after a while 😭

Tbh Yunho calls mc Tiny a lot so I’m thinking of keeping that. With the other members I might make them call mc a nickname specific to them. I see mingi calling his gf princess for sure 😭😭

I haven’t written since two days ago bc I’ve been so busy and I’m literally itching to finish this one scene. The next three/four chapters are insane you aren’t gonna be able to contain yourself 😭 during writing this chapters I’ve been giggling and rolling around sm. I’ll be screaming behind my screen and my brother comes into my room thinking there’s smt wrong 💀

Im so glad your healing from your sickness. I can already feel the winter time cold sneaking up on me and I’m treasuring my unblocked nose rn😭. I’m not excited to be sleeping with my mouth open and waking up with a throat drier than sandpaper holy shit

How is the schedule looking? How many hours per day😭

[fractoluminescence]

For the AO3 wrapped meme! :)

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? 12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? 20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Oh! Tbh I reblogged this so as to not lose it and come back to it when I'd have more stuff posted (which is why it's got the fract resources tag instead of the featured tag) and was kinda expecting nobody to notice lol. The ask is welcomed tho <3

(Note: This got a lot longer than I meant it to be. Whoops)

3: Most of my works are currently unpublished - in the sense that I've been ambitious right off the bat, and have been working on the same WIP for roughly 7 years now. I like 'Blood Bank' (which is posted on AO3 and is an unrequited love AiShin Vampire AU I wrote in a rush for AiShin week this year - I'll need to copyedit it properly sometime lol), but otherwise the work I'm working on (currently nicknamed 'You Only Die Twice', but I'll likely change that name because it doesn't make as much sense now as it did when I named it that) is the one I'm the proudest of.

The whole thing started out as one big story called 'Isolated', but then I learned to plot about 2 years ago or smth and realized I was trying to write at least 6 different novel-length stories within one fic... So I've untangled them and now I'm working on them one at a time lmfao (at least now I know why I was struggling to write that massive thing so much ahahah, what a mess. At any rate, I've decided to only publish each of them once they are finished, so while the old Isolated from high school is still online I haven't posted anything of this fic series since).

I'm very proud of my characters (my main character in particular. She's the first OC I managed to develop correctly and actually like. That's a whole story though so not going into it here), but even more so of the structure I'm able to give the whole thing - it feels so good to actually know what I'm doing and have so many elements of the story just click into place like well-oiled cogs.

Also the story involves the SRDI so I get to write sci-fi-ish mad-scientist-sounding stuff hehehe.

---

12: So, I have YODT, as mentioned above. I also have a fic I wrote the first chapter of during AiShin week called 'Feed Me Love' to finish (it's a sort of mirror version of a friend's fic). And I have my other long project, an either novel or novella-long demon-summoning AU fic called 'The Summoner' (also AiShin) that is in the works, but I've set as a rule for myself to only work on it during periods during which I need space from YODT (which I currently don't, because I'm barely working on the latter, and this is the fault of my master's schedule because I only have very few hours of class a week and thus completely lost the habit I had of writing at the same hour every day after class that allowed me to make tons of progress last year. I can currently barely step out of my house and my sleep schedule is worse than it has ever been, including during periods when I was a lot more depressed than this).

I have a song I started revolving around Momo that's been going very well but that I haven't taken the time to work on since this summer, and a couple of poems that I'm waiting to be fully confident of before I post them anywhere that I might wrap up sometime.

I also intend to rewrite and finish the translation of one French fic I had started in high school sometime. Knowing me I'll likely start working on it again at the drop of a hat one of these days.

---

20: YODT, probably, since I fix plot-consistency issues as I go. Other than that, likely a poem of mine somewhere wins that one.

[spirituallyyellow]

17/5/24 pt2

I wonder how long I'll keep writing this much.

In high school, I wrote in my livejournal just about every single day - sometimes multiple times a day, and usually really long entries, too. I kinda believe that writing in my LJ was a major factor in surviving my teens and very early twenties. I wrote deeply personal stuff on livejournal, and I had a physical journal that I wrote in often, too, and then on top of that, I had an online friend who was quite a bit older and pretty much filled the role of my Internet Aunt who I could email for advice about boys, friends, school, body stuff, all that. It's such a risky thing in hindsight, but she was lovely and helpful - a really deep source of support.

I stopped updating my LJ every day when I went to the commune at 19 - this was before internet was easy to access and we had to schedule in half hour slots twice a week, and I was nervous about other people there finding it in search history or something. I'd update occasionally and wipe the history, but mostly I just wrote in my physical journal.

Then a weird shift happened where N and I went from being LJ friends to being RL friends, to dating, to being engaged and then married, and it felt strange to write about my thoughts and feelings when I wasn't always telling him about them.

I worked very hard to try to keep my family from ever being able to see my LJ, and I think when N made the shift to family, my brain kinda went, "my private thoughts are off-limits now".

I don't like it when people I see in real life know about my thoughts.

Anyway, eventually Russia bought and killed LJ, and that outlet disappeared completely. And I had kids, so I had less time and energy to write, and then it kind of became a bad association because every time I did write, it was because everything felt so awful I had to get it out, but then it meant that there would be huge gaps of multiple months or years and then a short entry that basically said, "Everything sucks, I don't know how to cope" and that was it. Just unscrewing the cap juuuuust enough to let out the carbonation, not enough to actually relax.

I think what makes this different is that I finally came to the end of what I could bear. And I do like typing and sending my thoughts out into the internet void - that's a strong hardwired positive thing in my brain, just because I had been doing online journalling for pretty much the entirety of my adolescence, to mostly positive results. I'm still in contact with some of my LJ friends, and obviously I'm still married to N.

The only thing I don't like about this is the lack of comment thread function, to be honest. LJ really nailed that.

Anyway, I've given a couple of people this address - I don't know what will come of it. I did it mainly because I didn't want to actually tell them the whole story - I preferred to link them to what I'd written. It's very exhausting to tell people you wanted to kill yourself because then they have feelings and I feel like I need to attend to them and I can't because my feelings are so horrible.

Also, how do you even comfort someone in that situation?

"No, don't be upset, I'm not really that great tbh"

"It's OK, you would have been a little sad for a short time and then you would have gotten on with the rest of your life"

"It's all right, it's just me, I'm not worth all this"

I don't think that would go over very well, even if it does feel true.

I remember a long time ago, the last time I felt suicidal. It wasn't even that bad, more of a hopeless feeling than anything, an "I'd be better off dead" but not really planning anything kind of deal. I went for coffee with someone I was friends with but not like super deep friends with, and she asked me how I was doing as I seemed a little down. I told her, very calmly, and she started crying, and I was one hundred percent bewildered. Like, girl you do not care about me this much, come on. Couldn't fathom it.

I still sort of feel that way, even with the friends I'm very close to. Like when Pam started crying on that phone call, I felt horrible and ashamed of myself, but there was a little feeling of, "but why though?"

And it's also extremely awkward and weird to try to move on from the conversation, I'm finding. Like how do you go from, Hey buddy, just wanted to let you know I almost tried to kill myself recently, no worries to here's this stupid gif I found? You don't.

I hate it when people say reach out or call me anytime. I have no idea how much they mean that. I don't know what their schedules are like. I don't want to be that person who calls when somebody is already having a shitty day and then all of a sudden they have to be on high alert for their suicidal friend. I don't even know what I want to say, 90% of the time.

It does feel like such a huge thing for people to not know about. It makes it hard to connect to people, especially in real life. I don't want to tell a lot of people, I don't want to deal with the reactions, and I don't want to deal with my inner anxiety gremlin constantly clawing at the walls of my brain, desperate to know what they're thinking.

In early 2020, before covid, I told my best friend from uni about my cousin. And because he was also training as a therapist, we were both really comfortable just straight up asking each other, "How do you feel after hearing this? What are you thinking? What's going on for you right now?" and both of us had the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to be able to name those feelings and sit with the complexity without trying to fix it.

Although, when I told him about my cousin, I asked, "What are you thinking right now?" and the answer was extremely simple.

"I'm thinking about how fucking proud of you I am, and how much I want to fucking kill this guy." He smiled at me, but not in a pitying way. In a caring way. Maybe a little sad. I felt too nervous to spend a lot of time looking at him.

"Do you see me differently now?"

"Of course not. Are you okay?" That of course not did so much heavy lifting. Like it was just a complete given that I was still the same person.

I smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm just - really shaky and sweaty," and he passed me his glass full of ice so I could cool my hands down.

R is really good at just moving on from difficult topics. Probably of all the people I could tell, he would handle it the best, but it's really overwhelming to think about letting somebody else in to all of this mess right now.

I need to do something this weekend. I'm kind of sick - one of these super lethargic, coughing, struggling to breathe sometimes kind of bugs. But I think I need to push through this weekend and do something else because I just can sense how easy it would be for me to spiral.

I've spent all day in bed today. To be fair, I really have been sick and I've slept a big chunk of the day, but it did feel appropriate. This has been such a hell of a week that I had no choice but to take to my bed, like in a Tennessee Williams play.

N and I had a really difficult conversation last night and eventually I said, "I just feel like if this was a Jane Austen novel, I could go live in a mansion in the countryside for a month with a kindly aunt and uncle while I recover from my melancholia."

"So we just need to find a rich aunt and uncle in the countryside," he said with a gentle smile.

I laughed, a little bitterly. "I feel like the closest thing I could have to that is going back to [the commune] but like..." and here I did start crying a lot, "I just don't have the energy for that right now."

He rubbed my foot and said, "Just because it's the right answer sometimes doesn't mean it's the right answer all the time. It does take a lot of energy to be there."

And when I think of going back now, honestly, I'm mostly remembering the amount of shame that got dumped on me, that feeling of, I can never do anything right for these people, I always misread everything, I make it too deep, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing that place wrong, every fucking time. At this point, to be completely honest, I don't know if I'll ever go back. I'm tired of always being told the same old shit: I'm needy, I'm too intense a person, I always go too deep, I always look like I'm desperate for people to love me. And Andrew, years ago, telling me that I am dangerous when wounded, like I was a fucking dog.

I don't know what I did. That's what really upsets me: people tell me all of this every time I go there, but they never tell me what to do differently. I just have to magically figure it out.

And at home, in my normal life, I have literally everyone around me telling me the opposite - that I'm not needy at all, that I'm extremely competent, that I could do with being more needy, that I'm not too intense for people, that I'm kind and funny and make people feel cared for. It's such a wildly different perception of me that I just have no idea where to even start.

It all feels like a trick. Reach out to people, but not like that. Ask for help, but you have to figure things out for yourself.

You know, like, how am I supposed to deal with this anxious-insecure attachment when literally all the feedback I get about my behaviour is so wildly contradictory? I feel fucking paralysed.

I talked about this with J, my friend and office-share person, and my therapist, neither of whom are Christians, and they were both like, "It's crazy that anybody would see you as needy, I don't see that at all."

And then I have M from the commune being like, "I've known you for a long time, Lauren, and you are..." blah blah blah all those negative things.

And you know what actually, how fucking ridiculous is that. She hasn't known me for a long time - she sees a two week glimpse of me, every few years, during what is usually a really turbulent time in my life, and she's hardly ever even been in the house when I've been there. Even when I was there for the full term, seventeen years ago, I don't remember any significant conversations with her. I had a different tutor, who also gave me shit. It honestly makes me feel like I have Punching Bag written across my face.

I don't know if I'll ever go back - I honestly think at this point that I might not, I might just be done with it, but if I do, I can't see how on earth I could ever sit down across from her and get anything productive done.

I wish I'd had the wherewithal to stand up for myself and tell her to shove her tutorials up her ass. And Andrew, too. And I'm using his real first name because I'm done protecting the identity and role of some asshole who told me that being molested by my cousin wasn't significant enough for him and his stupid tutorials.

The only thing I miss about that place right now is sitting in the small study with a fireplace and a board game. But I miss that a lot, even though it's so small and stupid. It was just the only time in such a long time that I can think of feeling okay in. I almost wish I'd never had it because now I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I believe that God put me there, in that place, at that time, for a reason - so many things lined up to just fit perfectly - but damn, sometimes even gifts feel painful.

[mewberii]

Streamer!Scaramouche [2]

thanks for all the support in the first part! i wrote a second part where scaramouche plays genshin + the reader comes in (i tried to make it as gender neutral as possible, so let me know if there’s something off!). you’re a close friend of scaramouche and also a voice actor!

i had been planning this since i wrote the first part, but because i was busy and uninspired i couldn’t finish it. but here it is and it’s actually pretty long (over 5k words...)! i hope you guys will like this!! obviously he’s a little nicer than he is in game but,,, for the sake of the plot + it being a modern au, it had to be done sjnfdskjf

He was selected to play the beta for genshin because of his popularity and tbh he really wanted to play it

The game hadn’t really caught his eye all that much when he first heard about it but he saw how everyone online went crazy over it (plus other streamers who also were selected to play it in early access kept talking about it) and he became more curious to know what it would be like and if it’d live to everyone’s expectations

However he couldn’t really play it until it was officially released because he had a very busy schedule, and when he saw other streams of people playing it he was,,, lowkey jealous because it did look fun

When it was finally released and the game finished downloading and installing, he went live right away

And since so many people were looking forward to seeing him play plus the game was getting so popular so fast, that stream of when he first played hit his biggest milestone of live viewers ever

ANYWAYS skip forward to further into the game

when it comes to the gacha,,,

we’ve established that this boy is loaded. he won’t hesitate to throw some big amounts of money at the game to get every single character and weapon he wants and get their constellations to the max

i feel like he’d make little bets (and it works as a way to thank the chat for the support) like “if i get (insert newest character) in the first 50 pulls, i will gift 50 subs”

he’d be SOOOOOOO LUCKY it’d make everyone who doesn’t play think that it must be very easy to get the 5 stars or that the drop rate must be very high,,,

so in the end he’d have to gift the subs and it’d be funny to see the chat go absolutely crazy because everyone is commenting at the same time trying to see if they got lucky too and got the sub

but the chat goes so fast that they can’t even see their own comment after they send it sNDJGDJSK 

he’d end up turning subs mode on for a while because it goes crazy

and that’s when he’d see people going “I GOT THE SUB-” all excited and he can’t help but chuckle and congratulate them for being one of the lucky ones

probably another game he can use to play with some subs once in a while! they could play co-op and when he’s a very high level he’d go to the worlds of some of his subs with lower level to help them with whatever they need

SO, LITTLE SKIP HERE

this is where i want the reader to slide into the picture

you’d be a voice actor, and also you have been a friend of his for a very long time

he met you even before he started streaming and you were always so supportive of him, as he was of every and each of your dreams

in fact, he would have invited you over more than once to stream with him

people don’t say anything bc they’re afraid of scaramouche banning them (it’s happened before) + they understand it can be disrespectful... but…

some people lowkey ship you two a little bit,,,,,, you didn’t hear it from me. scaramouche don’t ban me----

so one day he’s making another livestream playing genshin (sponsored by mihoyo to promote the newest update and event) and they’re going to release a new character 

AND he has told everyone that you are the voice actor of the new character, who will be introduced in the event and is also getting their own banner

so everyone is very curious of what they’ll be like, if scaramouche will try to get them (obviously he will, he has every single character…. the amount of money he has put into the game…. just thinking of it gives me the heebie-jeebies) 

could he even,,, main them,,,,

spoiler: he won’t because he’ll stay honest till the end (and no hard feelings) but there are other characters that he has built up to the max just like them and still work better with the way he plays but he’ll still find a chance to use them often

he didn’t know anything of what the character you voiced would be like because you wanted to keep it a surprise and he knew his audience would enjoy seeing his first reactions

I think the character you voice in the game would have the role that Scaramouche has in the actual game, and their design would be fairly similar (maybe similar color palette) to the design fans made for him as a genshin character (the one i mentioned that he uses for popup notifs of subscriptions and all!)

needless to say he’d absolutely love their personality and the charisma you showed in their lines

of course when he finally gets them he shows everything about them including all their voice lines and he compliments y/n’s voice acting… that was the first time people suspected that....

mayhaps… scaramouche….

has feelings for you....

it’s in the soft gaze in his eyes,,, the gentle smile on his lips,,, his soft voice when saying “I think this one is my favorite line of theirs”

and just how BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL his laugh sounds when someone comments he should invite you and ask you to do that voiceline live for him and everyone else

he’d jokingly reach for his phone and be like “should i call them? i could” 

(but he wouldn’t because he doesn’t want to disturb you, you may be busy, considering you still hadn’t replied to the messages he sent to you before he started the stream a few hours ago)

if anyone dares be mean to you saying you got the chance to voice act for genshin just bc of scaramouche

or implies that he did something to get you there he’ll get quite mad even tho he won’t speak up about it (he might if enough people say it) 

people can see something shift in his gaze,,,, and he bans them permanently right away

it’d be kinda funny when he does those “reading unban requests” streams and he goes past immediately rejecting people who said those kind of stuff, not even reading the apologies JSNKJFNDSJKGNSDK

some people say he’s too strict about it but literally his stream his rules. people who don’t like him should just not watch him

and people who like him should NOT speak badly about you or doubt your talent and effort, which is what brought you that opportunity in the first place

one day he’d be streaming playing the game, he had been using your character and gathering materials to get their last ascension

and at one point he’d grab his phone and look at the screen for a second before putting it back down and saying he had planned something else for tonight besides playing genshin for a while

then, the doorbell would ring (before he could even close the game-) and it’d be heard from his setup room so people in the chat heard it and they’re all like???

it’s definitely not takeout because scaramouche never orders takeout when he’s on his own, he usually cooks for himself and just orders it when he’s with friends and they all feel like eating something different

actually, offtopic, but i have a feeling he’d be very responsible when it comes to food and like he’d cook himself proper meals all perfectly balanced and all- he could afford having someone cook for him but his house = his privacy and personal space so he’d rather do it himself

it’s like, past 10pm, so no way it would be a package or mail at that time

and then he says “we have a visitor tonight”

and then the chat goes crazy saying “CHILDE” “HARBINGERS” but mostly “Y/N!??!?/PLEASE LET IT BE Y/N”

AND IT WAS YOU!!!!

and omg you brought takeout--------

it had been a while since they had seen you in scaramouche’s stream and you didn’t have your own channel (even though there were many people who encouraged you to open one)

SO everyone was very excited

i feel like scaramouche wouldn’t be the biggest fan of eating on camera so you guys would put the food away so that you can eat it later on your own without an audience

and you two would just spend a while talking to the chat, watching videos

AND reviewing fanart and fanmade content together!! it’d be so cute especially fanarts of the two of you together, little animatics or comics of funny clips or memes from his streams of you two,,,

someone made a little felt plushie of the genshin character you voiced and the way you COOED because it was SO cute

only those who were truly paying attention were able to notice the soft smile on scaramouche’s lips and the way he looked at you as you gushed over how cute the little plushie is and how talented the person who made it is!!

also you’d tell him you saw signora make a stream where she talked to some of her fans on discord individually to give them advice on their life/problems (nothing too serious) and it was very funny and you wanted to do that with him someday

and he’s like “that… could be a huge mess. people could say some crazy stuff” and you’re like “NO but i talked to her about it and she said she got her mods to talk to them first and approve them before they moved them up to the channel where she was to talk to her”

and he’s like “still…….. what if people lie and then when they get to talk to us they say something-”

and you’re like “BOY!!!! DO YOU NOT TRUST YOUR FANS *GASP*” and everyone in the chat is also going “GASP” “HE DOESN’T TRUST US…” “IS THIS YOUR IDOL…..?” “SAY SORRY” (all good fun, obviously he’d love to talk to everyone if he could make sure there won’t be anything disrespectful said)

SO!!!!! you two say you’ll plan to do something like that soon and everyone is very excited, they can already tell it’ll be both super cute and hilarious

before he ends the stream, you two watch some videos together

some are about some upcoming videogames and he talks about them and what he knows and explaining things to you... he is.. so knowledgeable…

the way you look at him as he goes into a little rant about it… cinematic parallels with the way he looked at you before

ONCE AGAIN, people aren’t blind. they notice. but they keep it to themselves bc scary scara (the way i had to resist overusing this one joke with his name-)

so the stream ends and you two walk out of the setup room to go to his living room and eat the takeout you brought while watching something on tv

he apologises because the food is cold now, but you brush it off saying it’s ok, you had missed being on his streams and you two can just heat up the food again

he doesn’t look at you in the eyes as he mutters that you know you can join his streams whenever, and instead just says it as he makes his way to the kitchen to heat the food

you join him in the kitchen soon after and tell him you also bought something for dessert and put it in the fridge already before

and honestly he didn’t know how much he wanted to eat that dessert until it was in his fridge, so he can’t stop himself from sighing and saying “god, i love you”

there’s silence for a second, right as the microwave beeps as it finished heating the food

it feels eternal to him, but you immediately started laughing and said jokingly “of course you do! you’re welcome!” 

he’s happy you took it as a joke because that’s not how he planned to confess (he didn’t plan to confess anytime soon in the first place) but at the same time ?? he’s lowkey offended inside because? you took it as a joke?? is it so unrealistic that you wouldn’t even think that he meant it romantically?

it’s at that moment that he realises that if he didn’t want to confess before, now he does.

he wouldn’t want anyone to know about how he let that slip because he’s sure no one in you two’s friend group even knows he likes you

but you,,, actually,,,,, were actually caught off guard too because scaramouche wasn’t precisely one for words of affection and he showed his care for everyone with his actions

in fact, you had never heard him say those words before but well- it was kinda nice- if only he meant it as you feel it- but he couldn’t, right? who’d confess their feelings so casually while looking at a dessert in the fridge with desire-------

that night, it gets pretty late and to be honest he’s a little too tired to drive you home as he usually would, so he asks if you’d like to sleep over

it wouldn’t be your first time doing so, not even the first time you stayed unplanned, and he had a couple guest rooms that you could use so you accepted

also, staying for longer meant you could keep watching some more of that series with him without worrying about it getting late

or,,,

“actually” you said in a low voice, almost a whisper, since it was getting late and you two had been in complete silence while watching the series “i lowkey still wanted to stream some more”

he scoffs but then lets out a short chuckle, replying in the same volume

“it’s past 2am, who’s going to watch me stream now?”

“i would” have mercy for his poor heart- “but i’d be the streamer too this time so it doesn’t count” 

“what even would we do”

“can we play that co-op game you played with childe? it was so much fun” 

had you not brought it up, he wouldn’t have offered that ever because? if he had recently played it with childe he didn’t want to stream it again and make it feel repetitive for his audience 

(jokes on him because when genshin came out they put up with it being the only thing he streamed for over a week. they’d rewatch any game if it’s you two playing it)

but to be honest, he didn’t really want to stream anymore that day and just wanted to be with you, just you and no one else

he got up from the couch and walked towards the hallway, making you look up to him in confusion for a second, but then started getting excited knowing this meant he was going to let you play it with him

“i don’t really feel like streaming anymore today, but we can still play it. let’s go”

the next day, you two wake up around the same time and make breakfast together

scaramouche i feel is not very talkative in the mornings 

in fact, i feel like he’s just not the most talkative in general. he’s more the type to listen, but it’s different during his streams because he’s doing what he loves and talking about what he loves

and when it comes to you and he talks more it’s because he’s talking to who he loves----

before you’re going to leave and you’re standing at the door about to say goodbye to him, he suddenly speaks up before you can

“do you want to go somewhere tomorrow?”

you raise your eyebrows in curiosity from the sudden request, but then smile at him and nod

“yeah sure! what do you have in min-”

“it’s a date” he said, interrupting you, which was weird enough of him (since he would never interrupt you), but his words were even weirder-

“h-huh?” you felt the heat rising to your cheeks, and scaramouche just repeated his words

on the outside, he looked so casual and just, confident- bUT INSIDE he was actually panicking a little bit 

but just a little bit.

After a moment, you smiled at him again, this time somewhat more shily but also excited for your date!

“I look forward to it”

Just with that, you two knew you had made the first step

You weren’t just friends anymore

You two had hung out on your own many times before, in fact and as it was mentioned before, you two had even slept over at his house or yours many times before

but it had all always been purely platonic, and you guys had never even questioned that aspect of it even after realising you had romantic feelings for each other

he’d spend the rest of the day thinking of what you could do the next day, as if he hadn’t been brainstorming for ideas all night either

i feel like he hasn’t gone in many (if not any--) dates before

solely because he has never been interested in romance plus he had never liked someone or at least, not as much as he liked you

and even when he found out he felt something for you, he just always told himself he was okay with how things were, because he’d never experienced anything beyond friendship and didn’t feel the need to try and maybe ruin the friendship

SO he didn’t have many ideas of what a good date could be

he definitely didn’t want a cliché corny date, but he really didn’t have any idea of what was good enough for a date

(and if for future dates you want something he’d consider a “”cliché corny date”” he’d do it for you and actually enjoy it)

the last thing he wanted was to have to ask you what you could do for your date

1- because he didn’t want to show you any side of him that didn’t look like he always has everything under control and he’s always composed (as if you wouldn’t want to see every side of him, even his most vulnerable sides- you’d have to work on that with him when you two become official)

2- he… kind of wanted to surprise you…..

but it really got to the point where he really didn’t know what you’d like the most (or what he’d like the most too) and what he wanted most over anything else is to not disappoint you in you two’s first date

SO he finally texted you asking if there was anything special you wanted to do (and therefore indirectly admitting he……….. just really wanted to ask you out. so much he did it without thinking of what he’d do if you said yes--)

you didn’t seem to mind, and in fact you were happy he asked for your opinion 

overall, scaramouche was very independent so he wasn’t one to ask others for advice, opinions or anything, much less for help regarding anything

“how long has it been since we last went to the arcade? we could go there! i heard from childe that they added new games!”

and he’s like !?!?!?? THAT…. is…….. the perfect idea

“that actually sounds perfect” he admitted, and the message brought a big smile to your face 

“just don’t get mad at me when you lose at all of them” he sent right after, teasing you, and you couldn’t help but let out a laugh out loud

“the last time i won in your favorite game” you reminded him, and even after he read your message, he took a little bit to reply

(he needed a second to put the pieces of his pride together SJNFKJDS)

“don’t get used to it, it won’t happen again”

“we will see about that” the more you two joked like this, the more excited you got thinking about tomorrow

scaramouche was sure now that it’d be a great first date that you’d both remember forever

the next day, it was almost the time for the date and scaramouche was going to pick you up at your house

i feel like scaramouche would be very fashionable and even in his style he doesn’t try to hide that he’s loaded…

not that he cares about buying cheap clothes, literally he’d say if he likes it and it’s good (aka it’s not cheap because it’s made of something that won’t make it last longer than 3 weeks) he’ll get it

but it just so happens that many times… the clothes he likes most are from famous brands…

AND THIS DAY!!!!!! he’s putting together one of his favorite outfits because it’s a special day

it almost hurts me just how nonchalant he’d look on the outside, making it a little hard to know exactly just how much this date meant to him (because as i said he’s not one to be very vocal about his feelings or even his thoughts)

BUT i trust that you… since you know him well…. can see past all that and you know that this is not just anything casual to him. this is special.

STILL!!!! he’d try his best to not let the blush rise to his cheeks and show, as well as to not let his voice shake when he complimented that you looked very good

ANYWAYS i think i think Scaramouche wouldn’t be one for big pda

the most he’d do where anyone can see is hold your hand or put his arm around your waist

WHICH IS WHY he’d try to be all smooth (and he would manage) reaching for your hand and lacing his fingers with yours

he wouldn’t make eye contact because then he’s sure it’ll show on his face that he’s getting somewhat flustered, but he’d still ask if you’re okay with it, to which you said yes

the area where the arcade was is always somewhat crowded so when you two were getting there, scaramouche would tighten the grip on your hand a little bit to make sure you wouldn’t let go and you’d be pulled apart by people trying to walk past however they can

you know that if you two got serious about your relationship, he would want to be the first person to share the news with his fans

BUT since he was so popular now, you two lived in a pretty big city and now were at a popular area (+ scaramouche wouldn’t be the type to try and hide his identity because he’s never had people make a fuss when they recognise him)

you were a little worried someone would see you two and maybe take a picture and post it online and it’d go viral before he can admit it himself

because of that, you end up throwing back to him the question he had asked when he held your hand 

“are you sure this is okay?”

your question confused him because he didn’t know what you mean, so he finally looked you in the eyes and waited for you to explain further

“it’s just- what if somebody sees us and recognises you?”

he looked away from you and back at where he was going, taking a few seconds to answer before he just shrugged

“i don’t care”

you softly let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding as you waited for him to say something, and almost missed the way he whispered

“as long as it doesn’t affect you”

for someone who seemed and actually tried to seem to self-sufficient, who appreciated his friends but was also okay on his own because he was absolutely comfortable with himself, he was actually…

more selfless than people would ever know, especially when it came to you

you two would have SO much fun in the arcade, trying every single game many times

this time though, scaramouche won in his favorite game so he lived up to his words

you two won so many tickets you literally didn’t even know what to do with them once you got the couple prizes you were interested in

you bumped into a couple fans of his, so you talked for a while

once again, you were met with suggestions of opening your own streaming channel, and even scaramouche said “i’ve told them that many times too, but they always say they think their streams won’t be fun enough”

and the fans are like “NO!! literally everyone thinks you’re super nice and fun!! of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but we’d love it!!”

one of the fans (exaggerating a little as a joke) said “i’ll be your number 1 fan i swear” and the three of you laughed, except scaramouche who just scoffed and smirked 

“i am ALREADY their number one fan. but good try” <- scaramouche in his head. say it outloud u coward.

but at the same time it was a joke scaramouche chill pretty much everyone knows you’re their number one fan……. even though you think you’re so smooth………. they just don’t say anything 

they were very nice and fun to talk to and you knew scaramouche and you didn’t really want anything else from the prizes, so you offered you two’s tickets to them

“we don’t really need these anymore so maybe you’ll have more use for them!!”

they got SO excited, the way their eyes lit up :( scaramouche is convinced you’re an angel but he’s also very happy to see how joyful his fans got because those were more than enough for the prize they really wanted-

so after that cute little interaction and having used up your energy for competition, you two leave and think of buying some ice cream or a milkshake or something to end the date nicely and to enjoy while you walk back home

the arcade was not exactly very close to where you two lived (it was far from your house, but even farther from his-) so he asked if you were okay with walking back or if you two should get an uber or something, to which you said you were okay

walking back with him meant!! a little more time you could spend with him

and he was happy you said that because he was feeling the same way and still didn’t want the day to end

we’ll see more about the kind of things he likes and dislikes if he’s released as a playing character BUT FOR NOW i really get this vibe that he’d LOVE boba tea

i even think he’d?? enjoy tea in general??? classy boy…

SO you two would end up going to get some boba 

it was very touching how, when reading the flavors they had that day, he suddenly and casually went “oh, they have your favorite” and you looked at the one he was pointing at and !!! indeed it was your favorite!!!!!!!

he remembers this kind of details very well

you take the chance to talk some more as you’re walking home

scaramouche asks about your job with voice acting and you tell him that you actually have been recording some new lines for your genshin character lately because in the next update there’ll be an event involving them

he’s looking forward to it but he teases you a little asking if it’s okay for you to spoil him with such information

but it’s okay because it’s not like he’d tell anyone, especially knowing it could get you in trouble

when he drops you off at your house, he has a hard time saying goodbye

literally you’re standing at your door and he’s in front of you, a couple steps away, looking away from you

you don’t say goodbye either, mainly because you know scaramouche is working the courage to say something, and you can also sort of guess what he wants to say

you think of saying it first, but then think that it would make scaramouche proud to be honest about his feelings and confess first

“i’ve liked you for a long time”

you can’t help the smile that makes its way onto your face, unconsciously reaching a hand up to slightly cover it

“i feel the same way” you replied to him in a soft voice

he took a deep breath and exhaled it softly, finally lifting up his gaze and making eye contact with you

it was already dark outside, so you couldn’t appreciate the faint rosy blush on his cheeks well

“can i kiss you?”

your eyes widened for a second, not expecting him to ask and if anything, thinking he’d just step forward and do it

so you were a little embarrassed and caught off-guard to reply properly, so you just nodded and put your hand down as he took the last couple steps and his face was right in front of yours

he’d cup your cheek in one of his hands, feeling the warmth of your skin

you closed your eyes, and he looked at you for a second longer before he finally leaned in and closed the short distance that separated your lips

at that moment you both knew that you had been missing on so much more when you two just settled and were content with your friendship

but!! that was about to change now, so it was all worth it

after that, scaramouche would make clear that this would be the first day of your relationship!! and even if he didn’t say it with words, you could just feel his happiness!!

so!! after that, because of work you two got a little busy the next couple months so dates weren’t very frequent 

or at least, they weren’t dates like the one you first had

but still whenever you two were free he’d go over to your house, or you’d come over to his to play, stream together, or literally just spend time together doing anything

he wouldn’t let people know you two had started dating straight away (if anything, only his other streamer friends -aka you two’s friends in common- knew)

but the day he said it, he wanted you to be there

SO one day you two were streaming and you were currently reacting to one fanart of you two together

so he looked at you and you made eye contact and it was like you two spoke with your eyes like

“do we tell them now”

“let’s tell them.”

so scaramouche would clear his throat and without closing the fanart, he’d say he has something he wanted to announce

everyone was excited thinking it’d be some new project, maybe involving you

maybe some merch??? and the fanarts had reminded him of it???????

BUT THEN he straightforwardly said

“y/n and i are dating”

and everyone goes aBSOLUTELY CRAZY

amidst the chaos, you two catch a comment saying “will you unban the people who shipped you two” and you laugh

and you look at each other like “did you read that one?” “yeah”

and scaramouche is like “yeah, i guess i will have to unban some people”

and when some get unbanned they’re like “fREEDOM!!!!”

and jokingly they’re all like “APOLOGISE!!!!!!!! SAY SORRY!!!” so he just laughs and you join them being like “!!! apologise!!! you banned them for it and!! look at you now!!”

so he ends up trying to hold in another laugh as he mutters a halfassed ‘sorry’ and everyone starts commenting claps and hearts and celebrating that he apologised. now justice has been made.

the rest of that stream suddenly feels livelier and brighter!! you two are laughing a lot and so is everyone in the chat!! 

and also the new genshin event would’ve already just been released that same day so you can talk about some of your experiences with recording or what you thought of it

and scaramouche would let you play it yourself!! (he still hadn’t played it) and it was also the first time you played genshin live!! you’d show people the characters you have and everything and tell them some anecdotes

people would be SHOCKED because you!? don’t have the character you voiced!? D:

and you’re like “yeah… i pulled for them and used up all my primogems and… didn’t get them”

and your banner is back because of the event, so scaramouche won’t let this slide!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL GET YOUR CHARACTER.

your luck is terrible compared to his so at one point you’ll literally feel bad for how much he’s spending for you to get it

but he doesn’t mind at all and everyone is having fun so!!

and once you finally get them you’re sO HAPPY and everyone in the chat is celebrating

and you think it’s over but scaramouche is like ???? what are you doing?? open the wish page again. you’re going to get them c6.

and you’re like oh my gOD PLEASE NO DON’T SPEND MORE MONEY ON ME FOR THIS

but he won’t listen and he’ll do it

so!!! he’ll always do his best to be the best boyfriend he can be for you!! so you better give him your heart!!!!

[the-record]

The Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be pt. 2

Based off of 'A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be' by Jess Benko.

Part 1

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x GN!Reader

A/N: I am finally back with part 2! I decided to just write a short part 2 and let you all decide in your minds what you want to happen. I’m just a people pleaser with writers block tbh. I finally got my butt in gear and wrote this because I’m dumb and forgot my iphone password and it’s been disabled for 4 hours now (help) so here it is :)

When you had woken up, you immediately kicked Wanda out, needing time and space to think about what she did. 

Needing “time and space” away from her ended up being 2 weeks. And for 2 whole weeks, Wanda longed to see you again. Of course, she still loved you. She always had and probably always would. She had thought that her love had faded for you when you spent months apart, but it hadn’t. After seeing you crying on the bathroom, her heart shattered. She had done that to you and it only made her love you more. Wanting to protect you and love for all eternity.

The first week you had spent almost entirely in your bedroom. Only going out to grab food from the kitchen because Nat refused to bring you any. After that, you came out more often. Going to train or get food from a local bakery. You and Nat even went to the movies together one day. It was fun. It helped take my mind off things for awhile, but you had to talk to her eventually.

Your form of communication had been a letter. 

Wanda had gone back to her room one day, wanting to take a hot shower and nap after a tiring training, to a small white envelope on her bed. Her name written in cursive across it. She set it on the nightstand and took a quick shower to wash off the grime before coming back to her bed, not even putting on clothes. 

If she thought her shattered 2 weeks ago, it was pulverized tonight via your letter. Tears streamed down her face as she read. Sobs wracking her body as she read your handwriting over and over and over again. It hurt more than anything to see what you wrote.

Dear Wanda,

     I hope you know why this letter has arrived in your room. If you haven’t, please use context clues my love. 

     I’ve taken my time to think over your actions and my decision was difficult and tearful. I never wanted it to come to this, because I love you so much. My dear, you mean the world to me and I love you more than anything. However I need to think about myself as well.

     As we both know, we work long tiring hours and are often put in situations where we may struggle to find time in our very busy schedules to even talk to each other. It has put such a large strain on our relationship but I’ve held on.

     I’ll be honest. Seeing you and Vision destroyed me. My heart was wrecked and I wanted nothing more than to forget about what you did. To go back to the way we were and cuddle up together and watch a movie on the couch. But seeing what you did hurt, and I couldn’t forgive you.

     I love you more than life itself and knowing that you couldn’t feel the same for me hurts. Vision is a great guy person thing robot? companion. I trust that he will treat you well and fairly. You deserve it. I’ve also decided to stay at the compound and hope that we can be friends again.

I love you always and forever. 

Yours always,             Y/N

---

if i tag you, you commented or rebloged part 1 ! 

@jayjaydrifting @intearnetuser  @xxxtwilightaxelxxx  @xixxiixx @madisonsmorty @sideblogtorepost​ @ raventraveller   @ constellation0rion 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

🗣Tues 15 Dec ‘20🙊

Anyone order their daily with EXTRA DISCOURSE today? Lucky you, I guess, I'd send it back to the kitchen if I had the option but this is more a 'you'll take what you get and like it' kind of establishment so here we are! EAT UP we got Liam and Lou Teasdale making everyone mad, Louis and Harry's teams forgetting they're supposed to be mortal enemies, and Zayn?? Getting papped?? Omg is Z3 really coming this time? I've been burned so many times before (flown too close to the sun) but what if....... So first Gigi and zaby stroller were papped, then Zayn was papped in his usual way-- 'if you can get a good picture of me in the seconds it takes me to walk from my front door to the car have at it, that's exactly all you get'-- and then a fan reported seeing Zigi and zaby at a pizza restaurant. Zayn's hair is bleached white blond and that's about all I can tell you except that Z NEVER gets papped (or spotted really) for nothing so I am excite!!

Liam's back! He did the postponed-from-last-Tues hour long live for Stand Up To Cancer (and raised $16k!) and he's got a show in two days so I'd say his extremely brief breather is probably done with, whether he got the time he needed to be happy about coming back or not. He seems in good shape for the live though, even if he does say “its been a really long day, you don't even know, REALLY long” and that what he wants most for Christmas is “to have a little bit of time to reflect.” But he says he is going to take some time out and go away and write music “for the first time in a very long time,” in the new year, nice! He mentions how he went up to Sweden for recording recently and says it ”went really well I'm really really excited” about the new music and, uhhh, “got something sent through from Mick Fleetwood while I was over in Sweden writing, some guitar stuff, which was amazing, and he was dressed like santa at the time!” I...what??? I'll just... leave that there?? About other bands, he says that he's become a big fan of the Wanted over time, that “someone Zayn-ed out,” of Little Mix but “Zayn left for pretty much the same reasons and I do feel for them,” and “are 5SOS still together? Did they pull an us I thought they pulled an us?” He said yes, it's so great about Louis' show, and “it was great, and do you know what, like listening through those lyrics, it’s really nice to hear the truth in his music because obviously I mean I know all of the full story about him, and [pause].. and uh... his relationship with his girlfriend and whatever else,” SKLDYSSKKJ.

This long live also had him responding to screen comments he would usually ignore (though thank GOD he only reads but doesn't answer 'what happened with Niall in Japan' please tell me the questioner wasn't trying to get him to comment on the 'violently masturbating' story), anyway so we got Liam on touching his hair if larry is real-- “of course that's not going to happen don't be silly,” and on whether he thinks 'larry is disrespectful' “sometimes I do... actually that's not true, all the time I do.” Well he's not wrong though I'd expand that to 'all the fans' but if I had to wade through a million “touch your nose if larry is real” comments every time I was promoting my own material, for ten years, I'd probably get tetchy too! He didn't say it was or wasn't real, as he himself pointed out he never WILL do that for REASONS; tbh I'm with Liam can people PLEASE stop being so embarrassing on main and let him live? ANYWAY, moving on, his Advent Alarm clock today is the sleep story edited down to be just Liam laughing for like 30 seconds, aka the exact edit that I suggested they should make a couple weeks ago, which I find frankly extremely alarming (ALARMing HA) are they... listening to me?? Well if Liam's management are looking for ideas BOY HAVE I GOT SOME FOR THEM hit me up fellas PLEASE.

Harry and Louis both announced further postponements of their UK and Europe tour shows, like really the same announcement and just fully back to back, I can only assume that after weeks of intensive hashing out to match up dates their teams have arrived at some kind of plan and were like cool let's announce! Louis has added some new shows, while Harry's new schedule is undisclosed as yet. Harry says “I really hope to play these shows and will have news for you in the new year on when they will take place.” Louis' new dates include previously omitted countries (Iceland! Austria!), and those tickets go on sale Friday. Harry did not respond to Rob Sheffield's awkward attempt to link Watermelon Sugar and WAP as being similar but he did like Megan Thee Stallion's post celebrating her successful year, and Vulture ranked Adore You in its top 5 videos of the year with a much better take on what Harry is all about, saying that it “highlights one of the singer’s best traits: his willingness to be delightfully weird.” Kid Harpoon said that he and Harry “wrote a song in Japan that may yet see the light of the day,” and Harry continues to roast him, disputing his songwriter of the year award-- “they found 8,000,000 opposing ballots in a bin behind his house! FRAUD!”

And last but most discourse-y-est of all, The Sun made waves today, pulling the most salacious parts of a Lou Teasdale interview with the Sex, Lies and DM Slides podcast from last week and bringing it to wider attention. In the interview she talked at length about systemic discrimination against women working in the music industry and her own work experiences, which naturally include (very briefly) touching on her highest profile job- the years she spent traveling with 1D. In this context she says “you kind of can’t sleep with them [the band]- it’s quite important to keeping your job... some people would come in and like you know assistants and stuff and I think they would really think... that it was love and obviously it’s not,” and “it’s just the quickest way to lose your job- because then they’ve got a new girlfriend and she’s there and they don’t want you in the room.” She did not sell her story to The Sun she mentioned this in passing as part of an interview about her work experiences; she herself says, “I didn’t do an interview [with] the sun. I’ve never done that. I did a podcast with friends about loads of things.”

There is nothing remotely unlikely in this story, either in the concept that members of the band slept with girls casually (we know that certain of them did and there isn't even anything wrong with that in a situation of consent, the denial of it is as bizarre as scribbling out the beer bottle in a 28 year old man's hand), or that low level members (“assistants and stuff”) of the 150 person+ crew appeared and disappeared on a regular basis. The band were, to my guess, probably simply not paying very much attention to the serious ramifications of this carelessness and the consequences rather than demanding that people be fired, but I do very much hope they've learned over the years to be responsible for the kind of power that they have over other peoples' lives (something I really doubt they understood the extent of yet as very young people being dragged from one place to another who felt powerless themselves).

[the-darklings]

coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective. 

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part. 

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that. 

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing. 

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager. 

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now. 

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash. 

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But. 

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts. 

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed. 

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm. 

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received. 

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy. 

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely. 

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem. 

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself. 

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too. 

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.  

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020. 

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call. 

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind. 

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.  

So I didn’t.  

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest. 

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back. 

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either. 

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that. 

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited. 

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly. 

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you. 

Love,

- Kat.   

[arthotsglasses]

as someone is struggling with studying Japanese with textbooks etc, can I ask how you studied the language through Diabolik Lovers?? (also congrats on completing the game!! 💕)

OOO okok fellow learner here lol, um idk how advanced you are in Japanese nor if I'm the one to speak but here I go

Before you listen to me tho, keep in mind that:

The thing that got me at the advantage the most is the fact that I'm Korean. My first language is Korean, second being English, and learning Japanese as 3rd. Korean and Japanese are very similar in sentence structure, pronunciations, and most words come from the Chinese characters root. So I didn't have to learn grammar, and stuff.

I watched a ton of anime lmao and with Korean subtitles which helped me understand and learn how Japanese generally works in relation to Korean. My listening excelled that way. So by the time I started dl, I could already listen and understand most things, my purpose was to learn to read kanji and full sentences.

So how did I learn Japanese with dl?

My Pre DL Era: Start off with Duolingo (especially if you are learning Japanese using English). It's a phone app free download. There, you can learn the alphabets aka hiragana katakana easily. I started to learn a few words there as well but I didn't find it too helpful after the alphabets tbh.

Actually studying DL:

Play DL first time just for fun, like just for the plot, don't care about studying, I used Tumblr blog translations. Just so you know the general plot and what the characters say roughly.

In terms of time, I did in game studying for 1 hour a day at night, and review the kanji practice for another hour, the next morning. Up to you to decide your time spent and schedule tho!

As said above, I could listen and understand, so the boys talking lines were understandable for me to read as I followed along with the voiced lines.

Yui's / MC's lines, I read them with eyes or out loud as if I spoke the lines. DL is easy since there's a lot of hiragana and not too much Kanji. But when unknown Kanji showed up, I searched it on the dictionary, then wrote down the Kanji, and the hiragana pronunciations, definition for that word. Most likely, the Kanji words have been already said or will be said by the diaboys, so I listen to their pronunciations if I don't know how to say it. (Use a dictionary app or software where you can handwrite the kanji out to search it up. It's much easier and don't get lost.)

I divided my notes by each chapter and routes but you can probably come up with your own note taking ways lol

I used Microsoft Onenote, and typed out the new Kanjis I learned that day, so I can search them easily later.

When a word shows up I thought I didn't know it but I already had that searched up few days ago, I find that word in my chapter notes and highlight it. Next day, that word is practiced.

For practicing: Just write the Kanji words many many times, and make sure to write and say the hiragana pronouncing for it. It helps you to learn to read way faster. I did about 14 words per day but if I didn't feel ready then I reviewed more until I memorized them comfortably.

Sounds cliche but gotta do it very often, don't skip too many days, even if it's little bit.

Also I just googled general tips and stuff about Japanese and they help mostly lol.

uhhh that was long lmao I hope it helps you in studying Japanese!

[leejungchans]

tag game, the interview

tagged by @ateez-elena 🥺💕 ty for tagging me daisy!! this looks really fun :3

more under the cut ahsjhws i think i wrote too much 🤡🤡

1. Why did you choose your url?

my main blog is starlightlillies so i wanted something that also started with ‘starlight’; joong for hongjoong bc i love him :3 (i’m aware lilies is spelt with one ‘L’ but it’s alr taken 🥲)

2. Any side blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them?

this blog itself is a side blog hghghhh but starlighthwa is my second one for fic recs, gifs, other rambles etc. partly for better organisation and partly bc i’d feel bad posting 10+ a day about my rambles on this blog even though i kinda already do 🥲 (update: ateezjuliet is my sideblog for my oc!! i just made it bc i wanted better organisation 🥲)

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

a few years but i didn’t start writing and posting my work here until nov of last year!!

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i don’t know what a queue tag is 😭 send help ahsjwjs but i don’t queue my fics bc 1) i tried it once before and my work did not show up in the tags 😭 2) my sleep schedule is fucked enough that i don’t really have to queue anything lmaooo

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

i’ve wanted to be a writer here for a few years but never got the courage to actually do it, but then i thought if i didn’t do it now then i’d probably never get the chance to in a few years!!

6. Why did you choose your icon / pfp?

i like lee chan i guess 😭

7. Why did you choose your header?

bc i l*ve lee chan 💔 ahhsjwjs i change my layout a lot but this one might last quite a while bc i really really like it!! (no promises though if my layout changes next week no one say a word 💀)

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

my jeonghan fic redemption!!

9. How many mutuals do you have?

not a lot i feel like but i love every single one of you with my whole heart and i hope you know that 😤💕 (if you wanna be moots/friends please don’t hesitate to hmu hahwhsj i’m usually way too shy to reach out to people but i’d love to be friends 🥺)

10. How many followers do you have?

i hit a milestone a while ago!! (ahjshwjs sorry i’m not the most comfy with revealing the exact number 🤧)

11. How many people do you follow?

i follow from my main so 1186 blogs!! i’ve been on tumblr for years so i’ve had many phases and fandom changes ahsjjwjs sooo yeah that’s a lot whsjhw

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

i had to look this up and tbh i still don’t really know 😭 if it means posting something dumb then yeah bc that’s literally my whole personality 💀

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

i get so ashamed when people ask me about my phone usage/screen time bc I KNOW IT’S BAD!!!! 😭😭 uhhhh apple says i spent 22 hours on tumblr last week so 🤡 i read a lot here aside from posting and interacting with you guys so yeah!!

14. Did you have a fight / argument with another blog once? Who won?

nope!!

15. How do you feel about ‘you need to compare this’ posts?

i also don’t really know what these are 😭 i haven’t gotten them before nor have i seen these on other blogs 😭😭

16. Do you like tag games?

yes!! :3

17. Do you like ask games?

also yes!! :3

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

hmmm i don’t really have anyone in mind?

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

nope!!

no pressure tags 💕 @atinymonster @woopetals @moondaii @nctharu and anyone else who wants to join!!