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wolfofansbach · 1 year ago

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BEING A LIST OF THE THIRTEEN GREATEST RIVERDALE LINES, ON THE OCCASION OF THAT SHOW'S TERMINATION

As our much loved/hated show comes to an end, I feel compelled to record, for posterity, the greatest thirteen pieces of dialogue to spring from the pens of RAS and his henchmen. It was, of course, originally a top ten list, but I simply could not exclude a few of these treasures. Without further ado:

13.

“I dropped out in the 4th grade, to sell drugs, to support my nana.”

“That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.”

Spoken by: an inmate of Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, and Archie Andrews.

In: 3 x 2

Yeah, okay, this one had to be on the list. It’s funny, I’ll admit. It’s a great example of the overwrought semi-sincere melodrama that helped make this show so special. It’s low on the list largely because The Normies got their hands on it, so every time I hear someone make a reference I get all “do not cite the deep magic to me, witch.”

12.

“No! No! What are we supposed to do now? I’m horny as heck!”

Spoken by: Archie Andrews

In: 7 x 16

Season 7 is undeniably dreadful, and yet there are diamonds in the rough. The occasion is the failure of a projector, just as Archie and Reggie prepare to watch a pornographic film. The utter desperation with which KJ Apa delivers this line is exquisite. One is made to feel they are witnessing a genuine tragedy.

11.

“Tonight, they’re making an exception and debuting a cover of the song my parents claim they were listening to the night Jason and I were conceived.”

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.

In: 1 x 1

Really a fantastic line. A wonderful encapsulation of the casual absurdity of Cheryl’s character, and a foretaste of the lunacy we would plumb in later episodes and seasons.

10.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.”

Spoken by: Jughead Jones

In: 1 x 10

A genuine classic. “High school football” before “high school football.” One is never entirely sure just how sincere the line is meant to be, both on a meta-level and in-universe. A perfect illumination of Jughead’s pretentiousness. It is made all the better by the occasional cuts to Lili Reinhard’s agonized face.

“At the last dance, multiple students were murdered.”

Spoken by: Principal Holden Honey.

In: 4 x 2

Delivered as an explanation to Toni and Cheryl, as to why there would be no school dance this year. Principal Honey is in fact supremely rational in the cancellation of this dance. This being Riverdale, he is of course treated as an unreasonable tyrant.

“Bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.”

Spoken by: Archie Andrews (evil version)

In: 6 x 5

Spoken as evil Archie reveals his evil plan to keep the parallel universes apart. KJ Apa’s delivery once again makes this line. He is comically sinister. Strangely, he sells it.

“A Vughead kiss, right now, in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead from imploding.”

Spoken by: Jughead Jones.

In: 2 x 14

One of those lines that both makes me laugh and makes me genuinely angry. This was a fairly early season, and this may have actually been the first line to get me asking, ‘did they genuinely write and deliver that?’ Extra points for use of the atrocious ‘Vughead’ portmanteau ship name rather than ‘Jeronica.’

“I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho bitch.”

Spoken by: Betty Cooper

In: 4 x 14

Just delicious. Another one of those lines that leaves you somewhat unsure whether or not the writers understood how genuinely hysterical it was. “The Nightmare from Next Door” sounds like an announcer hyping up a wrestler. Spoken with a raw sincerity by Lili Reinhart. Also points for the heavy homoeroticism between Betty and Donna.

“For I am Cheryl Blossom, Queen of the Bees.”

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.

In: 5 x 16.

This one really doesn’t require any elaboration.

“Elijah ascended…and I will, too.”

Spoken by: Edgar Evernever.

In: 4 x 5.

Admittedly, this one is only spectacular with context. But in context—the context being that Chad Michael Murray delivers this line while dressed like Evel Knievel and standing in a cartoon rocket right out of a Warner Bros cartoon—it becomes utterly magnificent.

“It’s not queer baiting, it’s saving the world.”

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge.

In: 6 x 22.

It’s actually hard for me to decide whether this one is funnier with or without context. Without context it’s wonderful, but it possibly becomes even funnier when you know that the context is that Veronica needs to kiss Cheryl to transfer superpowers into her body so she can turn into a Scarlet Witch knock-off and stop a magic comet summoned by Sephiroth an English wizard who is also the Devil.

“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.”

Spoken by: Kevin Keller.

In: 3 x 12.

One of my personal favorites. This is a perfect line because like #3, it requires no real elaboration. There is absolutely no context in which it isn’t hysterical.

1 .

“Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest, their ‘princes,’ as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys.

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge.

In: 2 x 20.

This is, in my opinion, the all-timer. Every word is perfect. The rapid-fire alliteration. The use of the word ‘demimonde.’ The entirely unnecessary addition of ‘as it were.’ This is borderline Dr. Seuss. The fact that Camila Mendes delivered it without cracking a smile should have won her an Emmy. No. An Oscar. This line is Riverdale.

#riverdale #veronica lodge #jughead jones #betty cooper #archie andrews #kevin keller #cheryl blossom #edgar evernever

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yourthoughtsjim · 10 months ago

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Spin the Bottle

Jughead Jones x reader, afab/femme

Warnings: daddy kink, praise, slight overstimulation, fingering

Word count: 2.9K+

It had been seven years since you last saw the town of Riverdale. Seven long years of rebuilding yourself after the horrors that you experienced during your residency.

Pulling into the familiar light yellow house that was the Andrews’ residence, your heart pounded. Things between you, and the group of people you had once considered your friends, went in a not-so-savory direction.

Last time you saw them, you got caught cheating on Jughead with Sweet Pea. You had no intentions of doing anything with Sweet Pea except to go undercover in the Ghoulies, but something in you snapped when you saw him in the pale moonlight.

Taking a deep breath, you raise your hand to knock on the door. You start to fidget and look around nervously. It didn’t take long for the door to swing open. On the other side, you see Archie Andrews, who didn’t look much different from when you saw him in high school.

He gives you a polite smile and escorts you inside. That’s where you’re led to the dining room. That same dining room where you and the rest of the gang came up with plans to stop Hiram or The Farm.

Memories flood your mind of the countless times where the five of you would sit around the table after Mary had made a delicious meal whenever she was in town. It was almost surreal being back here, and not just in Archie’s house but in Riverdale as a whole.

As soon as you walked in, you got Jughead’s attention first. His face went from one of a smile to one of sorrow. He remembered what you did to not only him, but his fellow Serpent. All of that pain resurfaced.

The rest gave you sympathy smiles as they went on about their own conversations. You sit awkwardly across from Jughead.

Finally, after the talking has died down a bit, you look at the beanie wearing comic book writer. “So, why was I called back? I thought you hated my guts.”

“Oh, y/n, I never truly hated you. Was I a little hurt? Absolutely, but you ran off before I could get a chance to tell you that.” He responds.

“I… oh.” Your voice drops to a whisper.

“Yeah…”

“What about Sweet Pea? I really honestly cared for him. I don’t know why I hurt him the way I did.”

“He was beat up about it for a while but eventually, he learned to forgive you, just like you should forgive yourself. We were in high school. We all did and said some stupid things.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Betty then reenters the room. “So, the reason I had asked everyone is… yes everyone…” She pauses looking at you. “There’s something brewing here. I don’t know what it is but we need to find out. I do, however, have an inkling on who’s behind it.”

Veronica rolls her eyes. “My father. Of course it is. You know, he can never have enough. He’s so selfish and narcissistic. I should’ve put a hit on him a long time ago. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. I am tired of him thinking he can get anything just because of his name.” Sighs are shared between all of you.

“Okay, how are we going to find out more info? I want him out of my town.” Cheryl more or less demands it.

“That’s what we have to figure out but for right now, we need to lay low. We can’t let Hiram know we’re planning something.” Archie says.

“That’s fair.” You respond.

“So, what do we do in the meantime?” Betty inquires.

Cheryl’s eyes lit up, “We all go to Thornhill and relive the glory days of our youth with a rousing game of spin the bottle, mayhaps?”

There was a look shared between the group before your gaze landed on Jughead. To which you give a small smile.

Later that evening, after a nice meal at Pop’s, you arrive at the mansion known as the Blossom residence. The smell of maple syrup filling your nose as you exit Archie’s hot rod.

The sweet aroma had you feeling nostalgic for the old times. Where you would help them solve the mystery behind Jingle Jangle or Fizzle Rocks. You remember the times you spent at this very house just so Cheryl wouldn’t be alone with her family, much to her mother’s displeasure.

“Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we will be having a spectacular evening filled with stories from when we were young. Now, please, follow me.” Cheryl instructs you all to the gathering room.

There, candles are laid out precisely around the room, as is the Cheryl Marjorie Blossom way. On the floor was a large round red carpet. The same red the HBIC herself always wore on her lips.

Gesturing, she implores you all to take a seat. You sit across from Jughead and in between Cheryl and Betty. In the center was a glass bottle.

“We will be pulling names out of a hat to determine the order.” Cheryl announces.

She holds the hat out in front of her and with a slow turn of her hand, she pulls out the first card. Dramatically, she turns it around before quickly reading it. “Kevin Keller!” She proudly shouts.

The son of the local sheriff leans forward and gives the bottle a whirl. He looks at the rest of the gang nervously as the bottle comes to a slow stop, pointing at Reggie. “Come on, Mantle, show me what you got.” Kevin states. The kiss was a decent one. Not too long and not too short.

Of course, you were the last one chosen. You had already received kisses from Veronica, Betty and even Cheryl. Cheryl’s having the most passion behind it, naturally.

Your hand was shaky as it landed on the bottle. Your heart raced as you spun it. You had hoped it wouldn’t land on anyone you didn’t really care for.

Eyes widening, you see who it came to a halt on. Your ex, Jughead Jones. A chorus of “Ohh’s” roared around you. Your vision tunneled a bit, focusing on just him.

You timidly scooch closer to him. He had a smirk on his face. He tucks a piece of hair behind your ear. “You’re just as pretty as I remember you being.” He comments.

A blush crosses your face. “Jug…” You playfully smack him.

You feel his hand on the back of your neck before he pulls you into the kiss. It felt as if the rest of the world melted away and it was just the two of you. A heat formed where it hadn’t in quite some time.

Betty and Veronica had to practically rip you two apart before you got too into it. You wipe your mouth of the saliva that had gathered there. By the time you regain your composure, you realize just how heavy you were breathing.

“Talk about a blaze of glory. It seems like an old flame just got rekindled.” Cheryl remarks to Archie.

Some of you had planned on staying at Thornhill that night. It was mainly the core four and then you. You make your way to your room for the night. The rooms you were to stay in had been randomly, or as you would come to find out not-so-randomly, picked by the bombshell herself.

It was then you turn the knob. Entering you see your belongings on the bed to the right as you look to the left, you notice a familiar looking duffle bag. After looking at it for a few more moments, it clicks as belonging to Jughead.

“Damn it, Cheryl.” You mutter under your breath.

“Why are we damning a Blossom family member? I’m not opposed, I would just like the reason.” You jump at hearing Jughead’s voice.

“O-Oh, it’s nothing.”

Jughead knew otherwise, however. “You know you can’t lie to me. You’ve never been able to.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Yes you are. I’m the only one who can see through that innocent exterior you shell yourself with. Now, tell me, what is it?” His voice was soft but stern.

“It’s… Cheryl knew what she was doing when she put you and I in the same room together.” You respond. You then sit on your bed awaiting for Jughead’s next statement.

A soft chuckle came from him, “Maybe, but that doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about that kiss, shall we?” The question was spoken in a teasing tone.

Your body temperature rose as each of his hands found the bed right next to your thighs. Your heart pounded in your ears as you went a tad lightheaded. You accidentally giggled when he lowered his head to yours so you were eye to eye.

The Serpent King looked at your plush thigh before sliding his hand over it. He doesn’t do much, just rests there. He remembered how you like to be teased. It got you off almost as much as the sex itself.

“It was almost as if you were desperate to kiss me. I could feel the pout in your lips against mine. So cute. Your desperation, that is. I also noticed the little whimpers you were letting out. Yeah, those ones. The ones you thought nobody could hear, but I remembered just how to pick those up even in the loudest of rooms.” He states as he gets closer to your ear.

His hand had reached up higher by the time he was done talking. It was sitting dangerously close to your clothed heat. A heat that was surely escaping. After all, you had decided to wear a skirt tonight.

“Come on, remember how it felt for me to reach my hand in these, always soaked, panties.”

Your breath hitched as you felt his touch on your clit once again. “It’s pulsing against my fingers, just like it did before. Tell me, y/n, have you been with anyone else after me?” He inquires.

“Mhm, I h-have, a few actually.” You stutter out.

“Have they made you feel as good as I did?” His fingers were now circling your sensitive bundle of nerves.

“N-No, they… You were the only one to truly satisfy me.”

“That’s what I thought.” The circles got faster, but only slightly.

Your legs had spread, unbeknownst to you. Your brows furrowed as you looked at your former lover in the eyes as he touched you like he once did. You tried to keep your wits about you. He was your ex, you really shouldn’t be doing this but at the same time, couples don’t stay apart forever in Riverdale.

“You’re so wet, princess. You must have gotten worked up earlier, or was this more… recent?”

“B-Both.”

“So you’ve been sitting around in wet panties this entire time? Dirty girl.” He teases.

“Y-Yes.”

“Poor little serpent. Sat there so wet and sticky. You could’ve just come to me immediately.”

Serpent… that was a nickname he loved to use on you during your time as the Serpent Queen. It always made you feel special when he used it. Like you were his prized possession.

Jughead never let up pressure once. He knew how you like to be touched and that’s what he was going to do.

The pleasure got to be too much and your mind snapped. “Daddy… I missed you.” You whine.

“Oh, you remembered my title. Good girl. Daddy missed his little princess too.” His voice is a touch raspy.

That’s when he inserts two fingers in your cunt. You fit around them like a glove. Almost as if your cunt was made to take his fingers. As a writer, his fingers were quite nimble. He knew which spots to hit and how much pressure to give.

Your hips rolled into his hand, grinding your clit against the palm of his hand. “Desperate little bunny. Humping my hand like that. God, you’re so fucking hot when you get like this.”

“I just want my Daddy to make me feel good.”

“Of course, you do. That’s all you ever wanted. I bet you thought about me over the years when you were touching yourself or even when you were with other guys, huh?” He teases.

You would be lying if you told him no. You thought about all the random hookups where you would accidentally moan out Jughead’s name or late at night, when your wand was on your clit and you were pressing down so hard while you grinded into it. You also remember how when you would hump your pillow, you sobbed wishing it was him.

“I did, Daddy. I thought about you so much. I just wanted to be your little girl again. I’m sorry I h-hurt you.”

“I forgive you. Now, why don’t you show me that pretty face you make when you cum?”

Your mouth hangs open slightly and you squeeze your thighs around his hand. “There it is. So gorgeous. Just like I remembered it.”

He slowed to a stop as your orgasm finished. It was intense. It almost left you gasping for air. You had forgotten just how good he could make you feel with just his fingers.

“Did you know we were going to get back together tonight, or did you wear this pretty little skirt just because?” Jughead keeps teasing you.

“I-I… please. I’m sorry, I just want you back.” You plead with tears in your eyes.

“Shh, it’s okay. Daddy forgives you. Now, just lay back and spread those pretty legs for me.” He gently commands. It was like you two had never broken up with how easy it was to remove each other’s clothing, save for your skirt and of course, his Serpent jacket he always liked to fuck you in.

Legs spreading easily apart so that Jughead can take his rightful place in between them. Your eyes get blown wide open when you see him above you at long last, after all these years. Thinking back, you recall those nights when you had your vibe on your clit, pretending it was him controlling it.

Just like before, he slid every inch of his thick cock inside you at an agonizingly slow pace. Again, he fit inside you like a glove. Your insides curved perfectly with his cock, which made it easier for him to hit your g-spot every time.

“I missed this sweet cunt, baby girl.” He growls.

“I missed your cock, Daddy.” You whimpered.

A quick passionate kiss was shared. Jughead also loved the way you moaned into his mouth. He drank up each and every one of them.

“That’s it, good girl. Fits around me so well, just like a good serpent should.” There he goes with that nickname again. You could cum right then and there but you held on. You held on until you wanted to drench the writer in your juices.

Your mind flashes back to a nickname he liked to be called. “H-Hellcaster!” You scream out.

He almost stops dead in his tracks but instead, he speeds up, fucking into you with reckless abandon. The name really got to him, made him feel powerful.

“Call me that again.” The command comes out in a growl.

“Hellcaster! Fuck!”

A wicked grin appeared on his face. “That’s right.”

His thumb made its way to your clit and rubbed roughly, sending your legs spasming. You were so close it was bordering on painful.

“D-Daddy! Please, gonna cum.”

“Cum all over my cock like a good girl.” He grabs you by the back of the neck and forces you to lock eyes with him.

Your vision blurred slightly when your orgasm rushed over you. You stayed true to your word and coated him in your squirt. Jughead followed suit not too long after you. “Shit!” He growled when his warm cum spurted into your swollen cunt.

“Messy, messy girl. Just how Daddy likes it.” He comments.

The next several moments were spent on the two of you coming down from your highs. He even gave your body some small massages.

Getting dressed in your pjs, you decide to head to the kitchen to get some water. As you open the door, your face drops when you see Betty, Archie, Veronica and even Cheryl standing there.

“U-Uh, how long have you been there?”

“I can’t believe Jug likes to be called Hellcaster in bed.” Veronica states. Shit, a while then. They all heard you call him Daddy. This takes the cake for the most embarrassing moment of your life.

“I do wonder what it’d be like for this pretty one to moan out Mommy.” She follows up. That sent a heat down to your already throbbing core.

“We’ll have to find out one day, now won’t we?” Jughead comes up behind you and snakes his arms around your waist.

“If you two are done, we would like to go to bed peacefully.” Cheryl almost demands.

“I don’t know, it has been a while since I’ve gotten to fuck her tight cunt, I might have to do it again.” Jughead teases.

The red head rolls her eyes. “Goodnight.” Was the last thing she said before practically storming off. One by one the rest followed.

“So about that water?” Jughead lightens the mood.

“Yeah, yeah, come on… Hellcaster.” You purr in his ear.

“Keep it up and I’ll fuck you over the kitchen counter.”

“I’m counting on it.” You end with a wink.

#riverdale #jughead jones #jughead jones x reader #jughead jones smut #cole sprouse #nsft #brandie drinks

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