#wow that kid is hardcore goth

[agent-calivide]

Honestly, even though this doesn't relate to most of my blog's content, it's important to me and something that I relate to personally.

All growing up, I suffered from extreme middle child syndrome in a family of over-achievers. Like, got their first B in highschool and had a meltdown because they felt like they were failures, overachievers. Lettered and won scholarships and went to amazing schools for their talents, overachievers. Was encouraged by the adults to go into careers focused around their skills, overachievers.

And, outside of the insane pressure that put on the kids, I never got that kind of validation growing up from anyone other than my mother. Every year the family would sit down and brag about their kids and we'd watch this slideshow of everyone's concerts, plays, pep rallies, but the family was always too burnt out to watch mine and my brother's at the end. And I couldn't get that validation outside of than annual slideshow, because every time I tried to show something off I was either ignored, talked over, or was told "Oh, you did a drawing? Cute, aren't all the cousins so good at that?"

Even when getting compliments, I was never allowed to just be good. It was always we were all good, which was so hard and confusing because all of my other cousins got a moment to shine in their respective fields. I get into sewing? Well, so-and-so sewed costumes for her dancer's recital! I got into cosplay? Cute, aren't all the little girls (the youngest grandkids were all afab so we're called that even though we're all in our 20's) good at that? I started drawing, sculpting, playing an instrument, got into video production, took up foreign language, colorguard, theater, even my fucking goth fashion sense. "Oh, you and your other cousin are both so good at that!"

It was actually so bad that when my cousin who's special talent is singing started giving me vocal lessons, we made jokes about how if I got a lead in a musical the first compliment would be "Wow, [COUSIN] did such a good job teaching you!" rather than "wow, it's cool you got this lead!" And stuff like that deterred me from pursuing choir in school because they were a few grades ahead of me.

In school my teachers just ignored me as a "quiet good kid" while my brother got calls home for his achievements. We met similar, if not the same goals, the only difference was he was chattier. In my own class with my classmates, I had one good friend that was consistently good to me, and when we naturally drifted apart I was exclusively used by my peers as a placeholder or a bench filler until highschool. I couldn't really make any friends, it just didn't work for me (neurodivergence for the win.)

When I got to highschool, the teachers went from "She's quiet but a hard worker" to "Oh, she's [X's] cousin/sister/niece/daughter". Because despite being hardcore "middle child"-ed, I was one of the youngest kids in my family. So I had massive shadows in absolutely everything that I simply could not live up to. The one thing that I have from high school is I made my Video Productions teacher a custom Ever After High doll of Dorothy and hand-painted a photo box to look like the yellow brick road, and he gave me a hand written thank you note not just for the doll, but for everything I did in that class to help.

So little to no validation from family, peers, or most teachers, with an expectation to get good grades (I had a meltdown when I got a C in Trigonometry because I was struggling so bad in Honors Chem), a brother that was on my back for me to get a job because he has a job even though he was 4 years older than me, not getting any praise for the skills I've honed without it immediately getting undercut with praises for other people, and exactly one person who consistently showed me positive attention and praise for all of my developmental years.

That shit doesn't just go away, and in some cases it fucks you up for life. I have vivid memories of sobbing in my mother's arms, asking why I wasn't good enough. Why wasn't I smart, skilled, creative enough? I will never forget the day my dad looked me in the eye while I was hand-beading a ballgown and said "Well, you can't expect yourself to be a professional seamstress. They have actual talent, skills they've honed for years! They don't just sew silly little costumes, they make bigger things! Like wedding dresses!" And while that was the harshest way it was put, it truly wasn't any different from the things I'd been hearing for years up until that point, he just finally said the quiet part out loud.

Most recently, I remember in my discord server lunacornfan (if I can call you that?) made a joke that I was like the Captain America of our little fandom, and I rejected it. Even though I know that I create a ton for this fandom, that I made a safe space for people to engage with it, that I am one of the "cool kids" as they put it, that I wrote a ton of fics for the franchise, am one of the few cosplayers for the franchise, that I have a unique rendition of Agent Phoenix and have had a major hand in feeding this fandom with all the skills I picked up in a desperate scramble for validation, I simply can't grasp it.

I, as a woman in her 20's, cannot grasp anyone thinking my contributions are anything of value. Because I was told for 20 years that anything I could do, someone else could do, or is already doing, better.

Compliment your fucking teens. Give positive affirmation to the kids in your life. They need it. So. So much.

consider: teenagers aren’t apathetic about everything they’re just used to you shitting all over whatever they show excitement about

[alphashley14]

Hi, I saw your account in my for you page and saw your account, it brought back some memories that date back quite a long time I won't lie, around 2018/2019. Wouldn't it be you who wrote a crossover between Harry Potter and SNK? 😭 On a site of the type I think  « fanfik » ? You never continued the story when I liked it enough (PS: I was 9-10 years old) so I would like to know if it's you 🧍‍♀️ Sorry for the inconvenience omg especially for a story that dates back to 5 years 💀

Oh my God that WAS me. 😅 I’m the author of “Who am I?”

Wow. That story was really Middle School me getting out some edginess. That was one of the earliest fanfictions I ever wrote. All the way back in the distant year 2017. I would have been… about 15 years old.

Lol I don’t think I realized just how much people loved that story.

I’ve abandoned fanfiction.net for Archive of Our Own, and “Who am I?” Is definitely abandoned. It’s just not a story I’m in love with anymore and it doesn’t fit with the new SNK content we’ve gotten since. Because I’m an anime-only watcher.

Me-of-the-past would be ashamed. I am NOT caught up on the past two seasons.

A couple of people have messaged me about adopting it, so keep an eye out and you may find it revived by another author.

Still though, I can’t tell you enough how touched I am that you loved it so much that you’re still thinking about it years later. And wow - 9-10 years old? And you were reading THAT story?

“Whoa that kid is hardcore goth.” 😆 (In all the best ways of course)

[squidprinceofwinterfell]

Stick of Truth Commentary

Intro

Intro cut scene is a nice touch! The animation is nice, and it adds story and stakes to the game the boys are playing. Reminds me of “Lord of the Rings.”

I like how the boys see the stick as a golden staff, but it’s literally just…a stick.

Create your character

Fighter, Mage, Thief, Jew – which is the best and why?

Intro to New Kid and family

Dialogue between parents creates an ominous backstory. Who is looking for New Kid and why?

New Kid is a mute weirdo and I love it.

The first quest (making friends) reminds me of “The Sandlot.”

The shitting feature is awesome.

New Kid meets Butters and is brought to KKK

What exactly is the power of diabetes?

Chekov’s Clyde!

It’s cute how cool everyone is with Princess Kenny.

I like that every player is called Douchebag, but I wish every player didn’t have to play as a boy.

Elves attack

Funny how Cartman’s alarm is just Butters yelling “Alarm!”

Cartman has pretty good commentary when New Kid is fighting. I actually miss that later on.

How did the elves snag the stick? Either Clyde is a bad watchdog or Kyle is super strategic. I choose both.

New Kid must find Token, Tweek, and Craig

Token

I never knew Token was so rich that he had security! It’s probably to keep Cartman out.

I love that Token’s property is calling Dark Meadows.

Token: “The elves took the stick again?” Haha!

Tweek

Tweek is the only employee at Tweek Bros.? That’s called child labor!

I love that Mrs. McCormick thinks the meth heads in her garage are just nice renters. Is she being paid in meth?

Why would a 10-year-old boy be an undercover cop? Only in South Park.

Tweek was totally named after the word “tweeker.”

Craig

Craig is in detention for (of course) flipping off the principal. Is Principal Victoria still principal at this point?

Craig’s alias is Feldspar the Thief? I refuse to believe this isn’t a reference to Malcolm in the Middle.

On the “thief” option at the beginning, Cartman says he’s never seen a white thief before, yet Craig is a thief. Hmm…

“Heeeere they come…I’ll be outta here in ten minutes.” Smug, snarky Craig is the best Craig.

I like that Mackey seems to know he’s in a video game (by referencing the boss fight). It’s very Deadpool.

The Bard

The Inn of the Giggling Donkey is just Jimmy’s house. His living room is convincing as a bar/lounge/hangout.

Twitter = carrier raven

“There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow / She didn’t talk much, but boy did she swallow / I had a nice lance that she sat upon / The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom.” I love Jimmy’s songs!

Butters: “No hurry, Douchebag. The princess is just being raped.” OMG

An elf was jumping on the bed to simulate raping Princess Kenny? The boys are really committed to this game.

Cartman: “Good job, Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers.” Kenny flashing his man boobs is the best distraction tactic.

The Brown Note is Jimmy’s best attack.

“Welcome to the KKK!”

Alien abduction

Cartman’s fart lessons finally come in handy! New Kid’s ass is too strong to be probed.

I love that alien abduction is viewed as just another annoying part of living in South Park.

The guy from the recordings is the hobo hidden onboard, right?

The Nazi zombie hobo is the game’s first instance of the Nazi zombie plot. It tells us that the aliens are responsible for this when the ship crash lands to Earth and green goo gets in the sewer.

New Kid crashed an entire spaceship. He’s kind of a badass. And he gets to keep the alien probe!

The big bad government is involved now to deal with “another UFO crash.” How often does this happen??

Only South Park would try to pass off a UFO as construction of a Taco Bell. And only South Park citizens would believe it.

Recruitment (pt. 1)

All New Kid has to do to get the goth kids to join is put on black clothes. I’m glad to see they still have low standards.

New Kid finally meets Stan and Kyle! I’ve been waiting for this.

According to Kyle, Cartman lied about the stick being stolen and is hiding it. According to Cartman, Kyle is lying because New Kid can’t retrieve the stick if Kyle claims he doesn’t have it. It’s a game of “he said, she said” but I’m inclined to believe Kyle. This is Cartman we’re talking about…

PTA meeting

I’m disappointed no one yelled “Rabble, rabble!” at the PTA meeting.

Is no one else alarmed that Randy lured a young boy into the bathroom alone?

“That’s all you’ve got is a sign? At least crap on a desk or something!” Mr. Garrison is speaking highly of Cartman, I see.

She-Ogre

“Give me back my iPhone, DEMON!” This is an accurate depiction of a brother-sister relationship.

It’s adorable that Stan uses Sparky in battle.

Taco Bell

I love that the big bad government agents are such bad liars that they killed a guy asking about encharidos.

“Goddamn it! I’m so tired of Nazi zombies. It’s so…overused!” Haha!

I’m surprised the adults actually took the bombing threat seriously and weren’t bummed about no Taco Bell.

Recruitment (pt. 2)

The final goth test is DDR?? That’s so conformist.

Once you win the goth kids over, you can recruit them to either Cartman’s side or Kyle’s. I always pick Kyle’s side when I play this. I’ve been itching to betray Cartman since this game started!

South Park Elementary

The huge battle scene takes place at the school because it’s where Cartman supposedly hid the stick. South Park Elementary is busted and makes a great setting for a battle scene. More “Lord of the Rings” vibes!

New Kid’s farts help Kyle’s side get the upper hand. Take that, Cartman!

Another reason choosing Kyle’s side is better: New Kid’s battle against Butters is more impactful because he was New Kid’s first friend. If it was a face off against Stan, it wouldn’t be as emotional.

The final battle gives New Kid one last chance to pick a side. Like Stan says, “I can’t believe this is even a choice.” Kyle vs Cartman is like Chanel vs Walmart.

Yet another reason choosing Kyle’s side is better: Cartman’s farting fire at the end of this fight is one of the best scenes of the whole game.

Clyde

I love the twist where neither Kyle nor Cartman was lying. Clyde really punked the fuck out of everyone.

Kyle is the only one to acknowledge he’s aware of the green goo and how dangerous it is.

Stan: “Clyde, but why?” Cartman: “I banished him to be lost in space and time and now he’s all pissed off.” Haha!

Clyde’s fortress is so badass. I can see the appeal of the dark side.

How the hell does Clyde have control over the Nazi zombies??

I love that Clyde’s power move is keeping his friends out past their bedtimes. The stakes are higher now, but this reminds us this is still a kid’s game…or it started as one.

Underpants gnomes

Gnomes: “The kid is awake! What do we do?” “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta kill him!” Me problem solving.

Since when do underpants gnomes have warlocks?? I thought they were all failed businessmen.

For some reason, high pitched gnome voices yelling “Oh, fuck!” is really funny to me.

New Kid fighting underneath his giant parents mid-coitus is another iconic fight scene. How many times must New Kid dodge his dad’s ballsack?? The kid is hardcore.

The girls

Kyle convinces everyone to team up against Clyde. I’m continually impressed by Kyle because of his leadership, intellect (he spent all night researching), and open mind (he doesn’t balk at teaming up with the humans or inviting girls to play). I’m totally Team Kyle, if you haven’t noticed.

I love that the girls blindfold New Kid when they bring him to their lair. That’s some Mafia shit.

Annie: “He…doesn’t really talk.” Bebe: “That’s hot!” ME

Sunshine, sparkle, glitter…I wanna talk like this all the time.

Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch! That’s very Mrs. Cartman of her.

Abortion clinic

New Kid’s abortion doctor is named Dr. Poonlover because of course he is

The big bad government is doing Plan B at the abortion clinic. Clever joke!

Where did Randy get that blonde wig from?? The men in South Park cross-dress so much.

Khloe Kardashian’s aborted fetus as a Nazi zombie is also a legendary fight.

Canada

New Kid didn’t get that his photographer was a pedophile even when he was almost butt naked?? Also, who was that guy who jumps out from behind the boxes?

The layout of Canada is clearly a parody of Pokemon games, right? Either way, I love it. The shitty jpeg videogame look is very Canada.

“They’re like wolves, but they’re dire.”

Getting trained by Terrance and Phillip makes all this back and forth bullshit worth it.

Clyde’s fortress

Of course Cartman butts in when Kyle’s trying to give an inspirational speech. What an attention hog!

It’s funny to me how easily Craig switched to Clyde’s side. Loyalty much??

“I really found myself relating to Clyde’s views about darkness and enslaving the world.” Jesus, Craig!

Cartman’s negative reaction to electricity is a callback to the chip put in his head in Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

“It’s my favorite kid!” WOW, RANDY

“Who could it be?” I love how long New Kid lets them all wonder before he steps up.

Stan: “Dude, that’s not Taco Bell sauce.” Clyde: “Then why’d I find it at the Taco Bell?” A+ logic

How dare you, Clyde! Let Chef rest in peace!

Government interruption

“Whenever aliens are spotted, vampires run amok…” Vampires exist in this universe??

I love that the boys don’t care about the big bad government’s scheme.

So New Kid’s special power is making friends on social media! I should’ve known.

Princess Kenny’s betrayal

Princess Kenny planned to steal the stick all along! This game is full of betrayals.

Kenny makes a pretty cute anime princess. Nazi zombie? Not so much.

Princess Kenny is a badass final boss. And I never saw it coming!

I’m glad the “never fart on someone’s balls” joke meant something in the end. I can see why it was banned – it’s super deadly!

End

The boys unite to save friendship and love…by chucking a stick into a lake.

New Kid stole Cartman’s catchphrase!

Why did Al Gore appear so ominously at the end?? What are you gonna do to the kids, Al Gore??

[kyn19]

1 THROUGH 98! I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I CAN'T STAND GETTING THEM PIDDLING BIT BY PIDDLY BIT!!!!!

Lmaooooo what a fuckin Mood. Thank you!!!!! Also, you’re getting Drunk Kylie answers which are arguably the Best answers. For the courtesy of everyone’s dash, answers are below the cut!! <3 <3 <3

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! I have a sizable collection lmao #WriterLife

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

omg such a tough one, both are aces. seriously I can think of so many combatting pros & cons!! the only fair way i can currently conceive is which i would want weed in. Which is lollipops bc (#UnpopularOpinion) pot makes chocolate taste bad.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

both are great, but def bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“Pleasure to have in class” in true Gifted Child fashion

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i’ll rate them in order: 1) can (absolutely preferred), 2) bottle if alone but plastic (lez be honest, Red Solo Cup) if with company, 3) glass (do not like)

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

#1 goth all the way. Pastel and Formal guest appearances

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphone, bc earbuds usually hurt my ears.

8. movies or tv shows?

first of all, how dare you. second of all, tv shows ONLY BECAUSE if all my fave movies were given tv shows so that they could last longer i would choose so

9. favorite smell in the summer?

idk i guess pool chlorine? dislike summer

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

bruh fuckin none. elementary school: too long ago to recall. middle school: escaped having to take gym at all. high school: had a medical excuse to take online PE. least athletic girl u know

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i don’t have bfast bc eating close to when i awaken makes my tummy upset

12. name of your favorite playlist?

hmm 4-way tie between “#motivate #bitch” (gets me pumped to work) and “Friends Of The Illness” (my playlist of songs about and/or artist who are mentally ill) and “Ominous/haunting” (speaks to my creepy side) and “Bad Bitches” (self-explanatory amirite)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring. Straight up I use an extra shoelace as my key ring string, despite owning multiple lanyards.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

god another fkn hard one. Listen y’all, you dont understand how much of a sugar fiend i am. candy is my JAM. Starbursts, Sour Straws, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers...who can choose?!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“Ceremony” by Leslie Marmon Silko. Highly recommend!!!!!!!!!!!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

laying down lol sitting is for suckers

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

combat boots like the gay i am

18. ideal weather?

low 70′s degrees (F*), intermittent showers during the day but clear starry skies overnight

19. sleeping position?

mostly fetal, mostly on my side but chest is towards the bed, one arm under the pillow under my head

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I used to love writing in notebooks, but ya girl got weak fingy joints nowadays

21. obsession from childhood?

pfft as if they aren’t the same obsessions i have now

22. role model?

so many!!!!! Jameela Jamil is the first that comes to mind

23. strange habits?

lmao i am ass-deep in idiosyncrasies, if you ain’t read the blog title already

24. favorite crystal?

i don’t know anything about crystals. does blue topaz count? cuz that’s my birthstone and i like that one a lot. i even had the foresight to pick that as my engagement ring’s stone in my utterly preposterous & failed relationship

25. first song you remember hearing?

oh wow, no idea. music has always been huge for me. probably either a Britney Spears or Mary J. Blige song???

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

stay inside lmao

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

WEAR SWEATERS & DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE, BITCH!!!!!!!!!

28. five songs to describe you?

oof ok, hard, but here goes:

“Here” by Alessia Cara

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls

“I’m Just a Kid and Life Is A Nightmare” by Simple Plan

“No Daddy” by Teairra Mari

“Brick By Boring Brick” by Paramore

29. best way to bond with you?

i am straight up not easy to make friends with (bc my own bullshit, not trying to be pretentious), so bonding is hard. the best way is probably a combo of queer + memes + loves food + correct morals + being the dominant talker

30. places that you find sacred?

Libraries, locally owned coffee shops, Walmarts at 3am, playgrounds in the middle of the night, side of a rural road at 12am, my bed

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Blazer + shirt with a titty window + high waisted plaid pants + platform booties

32. top five favorite vines?

OMG I LOVE VINES OK OK OK OMG I LOVE SO MANY SO HERE ARE JUST THE ONES I QUOTE THE MOST OK:

Josh Kennedy: “What’s up my name’s Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to read”

Sarah Schauer: [dont remember the beginning] “didn’t you..?” “sleep in this? yes. mama needs A DRINK”

Evan Breer: “What’s up my & my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker - give me my hat back Jordan, do you see Uncle Kracker or no - *gasp!*”

Drew Gooden: “Road work ahead? Um yeah, I sure hope it does...”

Nathan Enick: “Yo how much money do you have?” “69 cents” “Oh you know what that means!” “...i don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets :( ...”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

bruh like how even am i supposed to answer this?? like texts or Siri requests or????? bc if it’s Siri requests then it’s 100% for arithmetic

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Stanley Steamer. you kno the one

35. average time you fall asleep?

3:30am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

bitch i’m a 90′s child of the internet, i was around the web before YouTube launched, i was there when the first modern memes were fucking conceived. i will say the biggest repository of meme culture that i was a part of was YouTube and icanhazcheezburger.com & its side-sites.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel - Tie-Dye Girl from the Lindsey Lohan “Parent Trap” made quite the impression on me

38. lemonade or tea?

Lemonade! hate the leaf water

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake! Not a meringue pie girl saly

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

I’ve been to a lot of schools yo lol. My undergrad college was def the “weirdest” ofc, bc it was an art school lol. An instance that stands out was a string of “Solid Gold Clit” graffiti after a Sophia Wallace visit to campus right before i started there.

41. last person you texted?

My bff triad pals @backwardswriter and @bristarshine

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

damn tough call. Probably jacket pockets bc i’m more likely to have those as a lady who wears lady-targeted pants

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Plum!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy, though sci-fi is a solid 2nd. Not much of a superhero gal

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

.....underwear only. Sometimes an oversized t-shirt too.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella!!!

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I would want to be like a pomegranate, but i’m probably a nectarine

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“If you hope for the best but expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

bitch i’m a giggle monster, i taught myself to be easily amused as a survival mechanism.

51. current stresses?

My own lack of discipline.

52. favorite font?

oooooof i have so many ok. too name a few: Centaur, Garamont, Book Antigua, Times New Roman, Montserrat.....mostly Serif fonts bc I’m an old books bitch

53. what is the current state of your hands?

I don’t love my hands (how homophobic of me, I know). Currently they’re kinda dry and full of sandwich

54. what did you learn from your first job?

what kind of boss I like. also that my customer service voice is frighteningly pleasant

55. favorite fairy tale?

Original tale: Thumbelina. Adaptations: Snow White.

56. favorite tradition?

uhhh Thanksgiving feast I guess? i am not a traditions gal

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

I am very very fortunate to not have a lot or a severity of these. The ones that I’ve had the worst of are: gender discrimination/harassment as a woman, hardcore emotional abuse in a relationship, and heavy heavy mental illness

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Tangible talents: writing, lying. Intangible: A+ imagination, useless trivia.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I support you!”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

like if Tokyo Mew Mew and Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni had a baby

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Again, how dare you. Like literally, asking me to pick a favorite line from something is like asking what my favorite breed of dog is. Legit impossible

62. seven characters you relate to?

Ananka Fishbein (Kiki Strike series), Mermista (She Ra & the Princesses of Power), Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter), Gwen (Total Drama), Rori Gilmore (Gilmore Girls), Villanelle (Killing Eve), Andrea (St. Trinian’s)

so like all very- to semi-weird white girls lmao

63. five songs that would play in your club?

[by the term “club” i assume that i’m limited to pop and electronic music. even with the limitation, though, a super hard question]

“Talking Body” by Tove Lo

“Hot in Herre” by Nelly

“Because the Night” by Cascada

“Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels” by Todrick Hall

“Break Free” by Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

pretty much any doll franchise’s site (Barbie, Bratz, My Scene, Polly Pocket, Diva Girlz, everGirl, etc you name it)

65. any permanent scars?

Yep. One by a dog scratch (it was honestly a weak/shallow/innocent scratch, i still have no idea why it scarred at all), and a few from a car crash last year

66. favorite flower(s)?

i don’t really like flowers? i usually just say Forget-Me-Not’s for ease

67. good luck charms?

bitch idk but i’m knocking on wood just from thinking bout it

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

you ever taste that chocolate Laffy Taffy? vile bruh

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

I am annoying enough to know how i learnt all my facts, but the funnest fact I like to annoy people with is that ducks have corkscrew penises evolved from their main form of mating being rape

70. left or right handed?

Right (like any ol’ simp)

71. least favorite pattern?

polka dots

72. worst subject?

MATH and also PHYS ED

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

One time whilst high, I put nacho cheese Doritos on a tuna sandwich. Winning combo, I’m telling you

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

My pain tolerance is straight up unpredictable, so like anywhere from a 3 to a 9

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

5 years old

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

I am not a plant person. Moss.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

fucking neither but i at least like coffee so i guess the former....

(i know, it’s tragic and barbaric that i dislike sushi, i wish i had another answer for you)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Neither lmao - I got them within a month of each other (six years ago) so they’re essentially the same photo.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I mean those are the same bug so I assume this is asking about which terminology I typically use/prefer. Which i would say both bc I’m a cultured ho

82. pc or console?

I don’t game so I guess PC lmao

83. writing or drawing?

Writing but I like both

84. podcasts or talk radio?

damn neither lmao I can’t focus on non-music audio only. I guess talk radio, just bc I can do like ten minute radio segments at least lol

84. barbie or polly pocket?

both were lit but I had more Barbies

85. fairy tales or mythology?

not to sound like a broken record but FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU? second of all, I essentially consider them in the same category at this point in modernity, so my answer is Yes.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes, but both are exquisite

87. your greatest fear?

spiders, heights, clowns, seeing bad things happening to animals, that my consciousness will exist even after death, y’know normal stuff

88. your greatest wish?

to transfer myself into one of my fave fictional worlds

89. who would you put before everyone else?

dogs, next question

90. luckiest mistake?

i make a lot of those honestly, so who knows

91. boxes or bags?

LISTEN I LOVE CONTAINERS OF ALL SORTS, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE, IM PANSEXUAL FOR A REASON

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FLASHLIGHTS, BITCH

93. nicknames?

Ky, KyKy, Moonshine, SugarTits, Goog Bones

94. favorite season?

Autumn (yes i call it that instead of Fall bc i’m a pretentious ass bitch lol)

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, c’mon

96. desktop background?

Currently a digital art painting of a flowing stag in a swamp that I downloaded from DeviantArt. I change it every few months though (to other downloaded digital art from DA that I collect periodically lmao)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Seven - mine, my mom’s 2 numbers, my grandma’s, my pop’s cell and office (also my old office) numbers, and my childhood house phone number lol

98. favorite historical era?

Golden Age of Piracy, specifically bc the piracy lol

Thank you so much for the asks, this was so much fun!!!

[kyotakumrau]

Sugizo Tube Vol.2 with Kyo as a guest Part 2/3

Same as always - don’t use it to make subs; if you notice any mistakes let me know. I tried to include as much detail as possible, but obviously some bits are edited. () have my comments.

*Ningen wo Kaburu video*

L: so we just watched the video for ‘Ningen wo Kaburu’, this was the promotional edit with blurred out scenes, full version is available for purchase on iTunes. That’s amazing.

S: You can buy it? Wow. It’s beautiful, this director is really wonderful.

L: Is it someone you have been working with for a long time?

S: The whole time?

K: Mostly it’s been the same person.

L: You always share the images together with the director?

K: Yes, well, uhm, this time it’s the image from the song title, we talked about it with the director and made the video.

S: Is it you who decide the visuals for DIR EN GREY?

K: Not everything, but majority.

S: Actually Kyo is an amazing artist in every way, also as a painter; he’s wonderful at the art that uses body, he also has amazing tattoos, he can use his body for expression amazingly. He has this visual sense that, even with Mr.Kondo*, when watching your videos/footage I always felt that the visual direction came from Kyo. It came from the ‘The World of Truth’, right? (I think Sugizo means Mr. Kondo, but not 100% sure)

K: Yeah, this too.

S: His lyrics also contain visuals like that.

L: Where do the visuals come from first?

K: When we are working on a song, the instruments are decided, lyrics and the melody usually progress together at the same time. We also create the main music (??) at the same time. I get the image then and try to give it a shape.

L: So the visuals come already at this stage?

K: Usually yes.

L: How do you get the inspiration for the visuals?

K: I love movies, but, well…

L: Even today you wore a t-shirt with Hellraiser.

S: He really loves Pinhead.

K: But mostly it’s from the news, from what I felt from them, recently there was a lot of such ideas.

L: This time it’s been 9 months since your previous single. What’s the significance of releasing a single for DIR EN GREY?

K: For us it doesn’t matter if it’s a single or album when working on a new music, it’s just that company told us to.

S: [chuckles] 'company told us to!’

K: But with an album it’s easier for us to create a worldview, to express it. With a single we have to express the us of this moment in only one song, that’s quite hard. So I prefer not to release singles. But if we don’t it’s hard to organize a tour, there are many things to consider, so it can’t be helped. DIR EN GREY has an image like this now - it’s like a business card.

S: So you don’t release songs just for promotion (for radio etc), you create a single version.

K: Now that’s true, ?? This way of thinking might be seen as an old fashion now though.

S: Recently LUNA SEA stopped releasing singles. We have a leading song and we use that for promotional reasons, so there’s no reason to create a single.

L: When working on an album do you create songs deciding on the image beforehand or do you work on new songs and then decide on the direction?

K: The latter. We don’t really have talks like 'let’s make an album like this’, 'a song like that would be good’ and so on. We randomly decide to work on a song for an album, everyone listens to it and we realize 'that’s the current course’ or 'we all want to make songs like that’.

L: Do you decide on one mode?

K: Usually we do.

L: To be able to choose one course of action, as a ??、I think that’s amazing.

S: It’s like that for a band that has been around for a long time. Even if the direction seen by each band member is different, if we try to create sound/melody, our direction will at some point settle, come together, instantly. A band is a being like that. I always say that, but the direction for details, way of thinking is different, but rock bands are amazing. Why I think so is, it’s not about how many people created it, it’s about who did it. A song created by these members is like this, with those members the band becomes a new existence. That’s what rock bands are about. DIR of course as well welcomes its 20th anniversary and with the same band members, even without the direction decided upto the small details, if they decide to create new song together, they will be able to do it as them now. What do you think?

K: I hope it will be like that ;)

L: DIR EN GREY is starting from 2014 doing a series of tours revolving around the past albums. It something often done by the foreign artists, but in Japan it was pretty unheard of. How did you get an idea to do it?

K: There was the 20th anniversary thing, if not with this occasion there would be no other chance to look back at the old songs and play them again. So we used this timing.

S: That sounds pretty interesting; I’ve never done anything like that.

K: It’s really difficult.

L: Which part is difficult?

K: We did some really old songs, I couldn’t remember the time/era of the songs, and obviously I completely forgot the lyrics too. We had a tour every 2~3 months. So in the end my brain was just keeping rotating, I had to memorize the lyrics again and again, each album and show atmosphere was also different, so we had to remember that and change the ourselves now, and while doing that we had to express ourselves. That was difficult.

S: I have a very straightforward question about that tour. Old time fans were really glad about it, right? What about the new fans, did they want to see that too?

K: I wonder. But if it was me I’d want to see it.

S: So I’d like to ask fans, would you be happy if the band revived old albums?

L: There were some comments from fans saying 'I’d like LUNA SEA to do that!’.

S: Yeah, I thought fans were thinking like that. But the key or tempo in the past was totally different, right? Bringing that back? When we are older?

L: Oh, there are many fans saying they want to see that. (She reads fans comments)

S: If DIR wanted to see a tour like that, should LUNA SEA think about it as well?

L: Woah! (very happy 'woah’)

K: Please try to visualize it!

S: If I’m able to, then. I can’t really imagine it. Huuuuh. But it would be hard on Shinya. He would complain 'No way, that’s impossible! Why were I drumming so fast?!’. Even now it’s quite hard.

K: But you played Rosier.

S: That was just for LUNA FEST! No way! Don’t wanna!

K: (laughing) Please do it!! Do it! At least one song!

S: (something about lunafes and CY, it’s more likely for CY?)

K: I’d love to see it.

S: Let’s say to Shinya 'do your best’.

L: Is it hard deciding on songs for CY?

S: You can only ignore it. There are also songs that I’d love to perform, but there also opinions like 'isn’t it too much? Wouldn’t people be happy enough with this?’. If we do it don’t we become kids? (??)

K: There’s a song by LUNA SEA with a Japanese title that wasn’t released, I’d love to see them playing it, but so far without luck.

S: I don’t remember it. We probably forgot about having a song like that.

L: It’s that bad? (Kyo laughs)

S: When LUNA SEA was formed we were quite hardcore sounding band, our songs were very fast, our sound was hardcore or goth. Even now I love a genre like that. I’d like to do that, but the reaction from other band members might not be that great, like 'our musicianship is different now’.

K: I’d like to see Inoran to play guitar solos from such songs.

S: There are those songs from before Shinya and I joined the band.

L: Woah, there are so many comments asking Kyo to push Sugizo more.

K: (laughs) I’ve been pushing him about it since before.

S: Extreme feel like during Sport Valley, songs were so fast then. Let’s move to the next topic. (He leans back with a smirk XD)

L: (laughs). Kyo has been leading another band starting from 2013. His fans probably now this, but sukekiyo’s first performance took place as an opening act for Sugizo’s solo show.

S: So nostalgic. To be honest, I totally adore sukekiyo’s music. DIR has that hardcore feel, anger, destruction and sorrow, so sukekiyo has a totally different side, grave (slow manner, solemn) and beauty and feel of progressive rock, they create this very wide worldview. The vocalist named Kyo is able to express the exact opposites. I was surprised by it from the very beginning. Is it like that?

K: Yeah.

L: With what kind of feelings did you start sukekiyo?

K: I wanted to try various things, when [creating music] with different people what kind of music would it result in? I wanted to try many things and sukekiyo was realized then.

L: So with that opening act, did the offer come from Sugizo?

S: No, Kyo asked me about doing an opening act at my concert, I was very happy. That was 5 years ago? You’ve been doing sukekiyo for 5 years now?

K: Yeah.

S: When they were releasing their first album I was able to do a remix song for it, the song was really great.

L: The members in sukekiyo are incredible.

S: And like that I was able to watch as sukekiyo was born. I was honoured.

L (she talks about the information that came up earlier about working on the remix songs - they are called 'sibling songs’)

S: First I got an inspiration from the song made by Kyo and guys, worked on it and it evolved into a totally different song. So they are 'sibling songs’. Through such a creative exchange, being able to exchange DNA, it was amazing.

L: We can see the cover art of IMMORTALIS on the screen right now.

S: Do we have any video to show of them?

L: It seems like it’s coming now. Which song is it?

S: Is it from the newest release?

K: From one before.

L: Then, let’s watch a video from sukekiyo, ‘anima’.

*anima video*

S: Is it okay to talk about the video?

K: Yeah, of course.

S: The video was made by the drummer.

L: That’s amazing. Directing the worldview at the same time as playing drums.

S: Takumi-kun who plays on guitar is also amazing. It’s alright to say that, right?

K: I think he will be very happy to hear that.

S: He’s amazing playing the guitar, but also does programming and he works as a manipulator for DIR EN GREY during their tours. It’s not a secret, right?

K: He’s probably watching even now.

S: Really? Takumi, how are you? (and Sugizo toasts with a bottle of water XD)

(Takumi’s reply: ‘Sugizo, I’m GREAT!’ – and it was followed by a tweet explaining that the reply to Sugizo was his 500th tweet. And when Sugizo asks you ‘how are you?’, you will reply great no mater how you feel XD)

L: So instead of hiring someone to do that, you prefer to chose someone you know.

K: That’s right. We create songs together, so even if we don’t talk about it he will understand many things.

S: That’s a totally new era. One person can do so many things.

L: There was a comment [from Takumi] “I’m watching!” (Changing topic, Layla introduces ONENESS M and Zessai done with Kyo). Zessai was truly beautiful; I’ve listened to it so many times. I love it.

S: Thank you, Kyo.

K: No, it was my pleasure.

S: I’m so grateful for that. When creating songs for my 20th anniversary, as something not done usually, I wanted to gather the vocalists I’m close with. First, I wanted to ask Kyo to join the project and I contacted him soon.

K: There was a talk about it quite early on and I was all for it. At the moment of the shout, I thought I would break my voice but I wanted to record it on the first try.

S: It was amazing [he demonstrates the shout…]. It’s a beautiful quiet song but for a moment there’s this mad shout. To insert this kind of energy, I thought only Kyo could do that. And the speed of him working! I’ve sent him a demo asking what he thinks of the song, and usually people send back more recorded into it including some lyrics. But he was like ‘I got the actual song done’. He was making sure with me ‘I recorded the final version, is that alright?’

L: Did you write the lyrics that quickly?

K: As I explained before, I write lyrics while I’m working on a song. So it was quick. I can easily understand the worldview of Sugizo’s songs. So I could imagine what he wishes from me. I gave it a shape in my own way, the original Sugizo’s work had a melody, I left the best part and added my own colour to it, mixing everything together.

L: In the interview about the release Sugizo commented that it as much better than he was hoping for, that inserting that part of insanity into the beauty; he commented that only Kyo could manage something like that.

S: It was a song I wrote thinking of Kyo, from the beginning. So the artist Kyo the way I see him, I was thinking how to let him exist inside of my music, I worked with this in mind. And when working about him as a vocalist, I how will it work with a dub? Actually, that song is dub. How amazing it would be for Kyo to exist inside of such song and sing that groove, to have a mixture like that. And from that came out a performance that went way over my expectations.

L: Were you thinking about the album track list (song order) already?

S: It was decided by chance. This album has grand, progressive songs. Next was much faster song from Yohei. I wanted to show Kyo’s depth and beauty. I could not imagine more from that song. Thank you for the lyrics and singing, Kyo.

K: Not at all.

S: It’s a song you would want to play live someday, isn’t it?

K: I totally agree.

L: It would be great to have a concert dedicated to ONENESS M.

S: What we want to express and our worldview overlap to some degree, of course the surface if different (??), but I was glad we could create this together.

L: I’d really like to see it live.

[jackednephi]

Hello! Apologies for sending in an ask so late. I just wanted to reach out because I'm not in such a great place right now. I was wondering, if you found out about your being queer at a fairly young age, how you managed to stay in the closet?? (And, you know, remaining alright, mentally) my parents are extremely homophobic, and it's tearing me apart, especially because I really care about them. Any advice would be great, even if it's not much. Best of luck in everything, and thank you so much ♥️

so tumblr doesn’t always let me know when i have messages >(

that said, i’ll do my best to respond but like it’s going to be long and convoluted so imma include a cut to save dash space. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND i am polyamorous, agender/trans, pansexual, and demiromantic. so like there are various facets of my queerness and they all played into my life differently

feel free to skip close to the end for like “how to stealth” if you don’t have the spoons for like a 20 page autobiography with annotated bibliography

so finding out about being queer is a question that has both a yes and a no answer. it’s more like i was experiencing queerness but didn’t have words for it, then repressed it, then dealt with it. so it’s less “i knew ever since i could form words to describe it” and more my journey was in no way linear

see when i was little, like really little yknow when you start getting your first crushes right around prek and stuff, i had all kinds of crushes. i had crushes on multiple people at once and this has continued straight into adulthood. so, like, sign one of being poly. my friends would have one person they would hardcore crush on whereas i was crushing on people around me, characters in fiction, just like so many people. i remember listing crushes in my journals every now and then and i’d have lists of upwards and over like 20. :/ so i am in no way surprised i’m poly

so far as my sexuality, i didn’t realize i was feeling for certain female friends what i was feeling for boys. partly because i’d be like “oh i want to hold his hand” and because i saw m/f couples holding hands all the time i was like ah! yes! obviously romantic! but i never saw any f/f relationships so i didn’t make the connection that the hand holding wasn’t a friend feeling. i had INTENSE crushes on girls too, just as intense as on boys. but i was used to the media portraying rival nonsense like hannah montana and whatnot so i was like “oh. this is my situation”

there was also a lot of repressing going on because i just didn’t see that reflected around me from media to adults. all i saw were m/f relationships. i knew gay people existed but i thought they were all gay men. when i was somewhere around like 10 or so, give or take, i realized i was crushing on my best friend at the time (a girl) and was like “no. absolutely not” shoved that as far back as possible and ignored it

my demiromanticism is more born of trauma than me being born that way and that’s ok. one of my close friends found out about one of my crushes in the second grade and i was RELENTLESSLY bullied for it. every time i got a crush on somebody, i would end up HARDCORE bullied or they would get weird and things would be awful. i also had boys shove their crushes onto me and not take no for an answer. like i’d have my bra snapped painfully, bugs shoved down my shirt, my stuff vandalized, hair pulled just because i wasn’t interested

like when i was 12, somebody started a rumor that i was pregnant :/ and that’s not even covering my abusive ex or the sexual assaults so like everything kind of came together for that

then there’s my gender. which is its own bucket of worms and kind of played in with my sexuality in certain ways

my parents are boomers, born in 50 and 58. “but vann,” you say, confused “you were born at the end of 94″ and you are correct! i inherited pcos from my mother so i’ll let you put 2 and 3 together as to why i was born in 94 and my brother in 96. i say that because, unlike their peers, they raised my brothers and i radically different from the accepted cultural norms

if i wanted to wear baggy shorts, that was cool. pretty dresses? whatever. same (kind of) went for my brothers. if they wanted to spend a lot of time on their appearance, that was fine and not shamed at all. in fact, it was encouraged because it made them feel good. i played with army men, barbie dolls, cars, a train set, tools, swords, sports stuff, had tea parties with stuffed animals, drew and crafted, etc etc. my younger brother played house with me (and often suggested it himself) and would play with my baby dolls. like had my younger brother wanted a doll, they would’ve gotten it for him. but i had them so he didn’t bother asking for one cause he could borrow mine

so like there was no gender segregation of toys or activities. and that sounds kind of like the bare minimum of parenting but you have to remember that both of my parents grew up in the rural south as boomers. gender roles were violently enforced for them. but they didn’t think about enforcing them for us so far as play and, to a certain extent, dress/grooming was concerned. this created a safe environment for us to be our true selves

so for a very long time, i was comfy saying i was a girl. i played basketball after school and then afterwards would find my prettiest dress and watch scooby doo. gender expression was fast and loose in my house

i contribute that a lot to the fact that my father was too disabled to work. even before then, he had been a nurse and a damn good one. my father has ALWAYS been the go to for when we were sick, injured, etc. my mother had this disconnect with how much concern to show. it was either too much or not enough and was pretty much never helpful. even after retiring, when my nephews came around he was the go to caretaker for them. even now at 70, he frequently goes back to where the children are during family gatherings and keeps watch. much like a mother hen

so he stayed home and did the cleaning and other “wifely” duties. not cooking though because his brain just cannot. my mother worked as a high school teacher so typical roles were entirely reversed. when i was tiny and wanted nothing more than to be a parent? you go, sweetie! when i was older and wanted to be a scientist? achieve your dreams, kiddo! like they were very supportive of my goals no matter what they were

so i just??? didn’t realize????? until i hit puberty somewhere around 9

talk about body dysphoria. i went from looking like my brother and every other kid my age to wow ok there’s hair now??? and my face is all weird???? and oh no why does my tummy feel funny?????????? (sexual arousal was a TRIP to discover as a third grader that i would not wish on any child ever) oh my god WHAT IS ON MY CHEST!? and grown men are hitting on me now??? oh no i’m in fourth grade and bleeding!?

it was not a fun time by a long shot. i started wearing the baggiest tshirts i could possibly find. anything to hide my freakish body, really. so many hoodies. i would swing wildly between hyper feminine expression with tight clothes and heels and hiding everything as much as possible. part of me was smug about being ahead of my peers, for adults to be treating me as more than a kid. but a LOT of me felt like a freak

maturing (mentally) into an adult was a wild experience. i was 13 and looked like i was 21 except for my face. i did everything possible to find comfort with myself from goth/emo expression ro masculine stuff people threw “dyke” at me for and then finally, weaponized femininity. tight tops, tight pants, shortest skirts i could get away with, eyeliner so sharp it could cut god, heels as often as i could including uniform days, perfect hair. i made myself look like a hot, unapproachable goddess

finally, people were too intimidated to approach me and comment on my appearance. i wore makeup like a mask and people who had known me for YEARS were surprised to find out just how big my chest really was. but i walked with murder in my eyes and i was finally treated the same was i was before puberty - completely unapproachable

ALL THAT IN MIND, here’s how i figured my shit out

i was on facebook seeing “gay, straight, black or white, marriage is a civil right” and being typically “it’s a sacred ordinance shyaddap” about it. i ended up on tumblr about idk 15 or so? note, i’d already discovered porn by this time so i was aware that lesbians existed. like just to throw that out there that i wasn’t like totally in the dark when i made my tumblr account. i did it for school to blog about shakespeare for an english assignment. and that’s when my world expanded

bisexual? wow ok! that was a thing! and oh. oh no

there were pretty girls

and pretty boys and pretty people whose gender i had no idea. cosplayers cosplaying as the opposite gender, trans people, and a whole rainbow of people i was suddenly finding attractive. and i had a HARDCORE identity crisis

i liked girls? but was it the same as boys? was i bisexual? that didn’t seem to fit. there was more than two genders right? and trans people existed? bi? was i bi? bi?

bi. probably

but it didn’t feel comfortable like at all. but i discovered a fanfic writer who talked about being pansexual and i looked it up and everything just clicked?? into place????

not to be overdramatic or anything but it was like the stars finally aligned. it felt SO good! so many genders! and it meant all and aliens are a thing, right? who was i to say no to the possibility? but, more than anything, it felt comfortable. like a hug from my grandma. like home

i wanted to scream from the rooftops that i’d figured it out! i found myself! pansexual! I WAS PANSEXUAL! THAT WAS ME! HOME!

and then the reality of living in our society crashed down on me. i continued to talk about the guys i liked around my family but never EVER the girls. i hid my relationship with the person who eventually became my wife. to be fair, i’d hidden all my relationships prior cause i was an IDIOT and had been dating before 16. so that wasn’t hard. but what was was the breakup

previously, i’d been like “you remember that guy i like? he’s a jerk” or some other excuse to cry to my mother. but i couldn’t about cake. so i cried to my bff/twin/sister like i had everything else and moved on. and i just kind of shut up about it to everybody except those closest to me

except that hurt. here i was knowing i was queer and happy about it but people were being homophobic. i don’t know how often i cried myself to sleep after hearing about “those dirty f*gs” cause of the marriage thing. i ended up quietly coming out to my favorite teacher and she dismissed it as trauma response to my then recent sexual assault. she had seemed safe but that was her reaction so i shut up about it

up until, ironically, coming out day october 2011 just before turning 17 that next month. my mother and i were at chilis, she was being homophobic, and i screamed for the whole restaurant to hear that i was queer and the whole base found out. hard to stay closeted after that

i was pretty much out until college when i started going to church in a new place. i just didn’t talk about my sexuality. ever. period. and it was “easy” because i was dating guys. and pretty sure i was a cis woman. so i was stealth passing. and that was ok with me because i was out on campus, vocally and unapologetically

in high school, i dated a trans guy. he introduced me like in a personal way to transness, to binding. i knew i wasn’t a man but it intrigued me. and in college where nobody knew me, nobody knew me as femme fatale black widow i had a chance to explore my gender. i discovered that loose tshirts made me feel really good. as did other comfy things like shorts and sweats. sometimes i wanted to look fancy or felt like wearing a dress. really, i kind of reverted back to who i was in childhood

i felt weird when i heard my birth name. i’d gone by a nickname for so long, i just chopped off the y (vanny) to vann so it sounded more adult. it felt good. so i identified, tentatively, as nonbinary. it was around this time the trans dude i dated and i fell out with each other because he thought me playing around with my gender was like mocking his transness. or something. idk dude was toxic trash

so i wasn’t male or female then? nah that didn’t feel right. i wasn’t some third androgynous gender. but sometimes binding and passing as a man felt good and sometimes passing as a woman felt good. genderfluid then? was i a man who liked to wear dresses? no. didn’t feel right. made me uncomfortable

eventually, things clicked for me with agender the way they had with pansexual the fall of my third year of undergrad. stars aligned, the universe smiled upon me, and i was THRILLED. like gender euphoria is REAL and never before had i felt so comfortable in my own skin. i remember literally weeping with joy. like i’d been going with they/them/their for a couple years at that point

i came out to my parents about that one pretty shortly after realizing it because i was OVERJOYED. they’d been working on calling me vann for awhile at that point and the pronouns. i’ve since learned that so long as soebody has my name, 90% of the time i legit do not care what pronouns somebody uses. im aware that people perceive me differently and it’s fine. i mean neutral pronouns fill me with euphoria but like it’s fine. so long as somebody doesn’t mistake me for cis

my parents are like so great about it now. they correct people who deadname me (except my grandma cause she’s like 85 and i gave her permission years ago) and my mother straight cut contact with family members who refuse to respect me. except my brothers but like she makes it clear whenever they’re going to be awful that she WILL NOT tolerate it. like they don’t dare trash me in front of our father. he’s old now but he will backhand one of my brothers for that and they know it. so they try it with our mom and she’s like “try it again and you won’t hear from me until you apologize for trashing your sister”

i realized i was poly when cake came back into my life. that was a serious mess involving their abusive ex girlfriend but we clicked and it ended up working so yknow. that was my easiest coming out actually. my parents were like “yknow, you always seemed to love people when you were a kid. and you had SO many crushes. makes sense” which was awesome. it was the most difficult emotionally but  the easiest because i’d already come out twice before so it was whatever

the demi thing was discovered in therapy. and like it doesn’t have much in the way of impact like the other things do. so i never really came out about that? there wasn’t really a point? like i talk about it when it comes up but it’s just whatever. i honestly have no idea if i ever told my family?????

WITH THAT NONSENSE IN MIND, HERE’S HOW TO STEALTH AND BE OK MENTALLY

you said homophobic so im gonna assume you’re not straight. no idea about gender and, honestly, so far as gender goes i’ve seen it’s safer to lean into masculinity than it is femininity. so if you’re amab, i don’t really have tips or tricks for that as i’m afab. with being afab, lean into the tomboy aesthetic so you seem acceptably (safely) your assigned gender. i recommend fun lipstick and nail polish colors. sparkly nails did wonders for me honestly

but for like not straightness. that’s a tightrope that is but a gossamer thread to balance. like there are ways to stealth gender expression and feel affirmed but queerness is a different animal or it was for me

so i had AT LEAST one space in my life where i was 100%, unapologetically, loudly out. like i’m here, i’m queer and flying my rainbow flag and not at all sorry about it OUT. for awhile, it was just my very closest friends in the whole world. then it was tumblr. then i made a facebook for people irl i could trust. 0 family and 0 people who couldn’t be chill about it

like having a carved space for you to just be the authentic you, whatever that is. for me, that’s all this queer mess, the polycule that is my family, my faith, my absolutely foul mouth, my mental illnesses, my love of good coffee or a glass of wine every now and then as a rare treat, the good and the bad the ugly and the uncategorizable all together. the struggle with the word of wisdom AND the love of my spouses. all of that

it’s affirming to have this space where you’re yourself and people accept you for who you are rather than what gets your engine revving. but you’ve also got to try and stealth that into wherever you can. you want a dyke spike? go for it and say it’s a pixie cut. plaids are in right now which is a lowkey signal to other queers you’re a queer too no matter your gender. just depends on what shoe you pair it with and other queers will take notice while non queers will just think you’re trendy

it was also fun for me to get that pan flag aesthetic wherever i could. like blue/pink galaxy type eyeshadow that wasn’t too peacock flashy so it looked Hot without being Obvious and a pink lipstick and yellow nails. like it was subtle but i knew what was going on and it felt good. i did the same with rainbows but i had more to work with there. like i’d have an inconspicuous notebook where i’d paint/paste a rainbow on the inside cover so that it was Normal from the outside and BAM! GAY! on the inside. did that with highlighting my notes too

i just kind of stuck it everywhere i could possibly get away with. people were excited to see me go from emo to bring colors becuase “oh wow! you’re finally not sad!” lol no i’m just stealth queer over here

i also wrote SO MUCH queer fanfiction. i didn’t publish any of it just in case but i have notebooks full of stuff. i also rped with people as a way to live vicariously through characters. i also READ a lot of queer fanfiction actually. i saved all kinds of fanart and photo manipulations of certain pairings together. like i couldn’t be out so i could have fiction where others were

i also poured myself into hobbies. i fenced, did karate, learned japanese, participated in drama club, played in a band, took piano lessons, taught myself to draw, journaled, learned to cook, read amazing books, played video games, learned to sing. like i’m sure there are other things i’m forgetting? basically, if it was EVER covered in a young women’s activity pretty much anywhere in the world, i learned at least those basic skills. like i can embroider now even

so like that’s how i stealthed and stayed sane. i was also in therapy where i was out to whatever therapist i was seeing at the time which ABSOLUTELY helped. i also made like queer playlists i would listen to. like same love, i kissed a girl, born this way, etc that i would listen to when i needed to just sink into it. music in general is super cathartic and i’ve gotta say green day, acdc, evanescence, bon jovi, etc got me through some tough shit

i also yelled at god. i yelled at god a LOT actually. like i know we get told “pray for comfort” but sometimes you need to bawl your eyes out and just SCREAM at the almighty. dude can take it. he’s god after all. he can handle our anger. it isn’t disrespectful. like if you ever do cross a line, he’ll let you know. like your thoughts will hard stop. you’ll know

but empty your lungs screaming in pain. let him know it isn’t fair, you’re not happy. beg for relief from the nightmares you’re living. demand to know if or when it’ll ever get better. burn yourself out yelling and crying and fall asleep drenched in tears. then wake up the next day and live your life and you know what?

you’ll feel better. maybe not a lot sometimes and maybe everything is cool for once in forever. but it definitely helped me a lot. like dude listens and you WILL feel better even if the things around you dont get better. you get some strength to get through and be ok and it’s super helpful

but that’s what i got. also bear in mind that i came out to thousands of people by yelling at my mother in a restaurant when all the ships were in because everybody in said restaurant texted everybody they knew and my texts were flooded in like an hour of “DON’T TELL ME YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR MOM LIKE THAT OMG” and “you’re queer!?” so like

i’m not the best when it comes to stealth queering so take my advice with a grain of salt

[honeyxmonkey]

Superman: That is a lost child

Douxie: IM 919 YEARS OLD SO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SEND YOUR ASS BACK TO WHATEVER BACKWATER PLANET YOU CAME FROM MR "IM THE BEST LEAGUER"

Superman: Woah, hey-

Douxie: I've faced more evils than you'll ever see in your lifetime. Don't think I fear you, because compared to the horrors I face every single day you're like a petting zoo pony with a mild temper. The mortals claim you to be a god walking among men but I've fought gods before and they'd stomp your tights wearing ass into the ground before you can even blink. I can beat your ass without even breaking a sweat and I'd do it with a smile on my face.

Superman:

Superman: Wow that kid is hardcore goth

Batman, nodding as he fills out the adoption papers: Hardcore goth

My dad and I were talking about superheroes last night and my sister chimed in with a, "Honey who do you think would win in a fight? Douxie or Superman?" And at first I was tempted to say superman because hes superman but then my dad asked, "Well first, isn't Douxie a wizard?" And we were both like, "yeah. Most powerful wizard in his world." And my dad nodded and then said, "Douxie would win. Superman's weakness is magic."

And I was like, "👀👀 YOURE RIGHT"

I find comfort in the knowledge that Douxie could kick superman's ass if he wanted to

[pop-punk-is-a-lie]

You're not punk! Wow!

Now I’m not an angry person, or even a judgmental person, in fact I’m very open minded and I embrace all music. So I’m not shitting on your favourite music here, you gotta listen to what makes your soul shine and whatever the fuck. You be you and be proud, but don’t get your labels mixed up in the process. Punks don’t need a label to begin with. As an artist I appreciate when people put emotion into their work, the so called “pop-punk” movement that also goes by many other names, is highly emotional and many people can relate. That’s really cool but it’s still not punk. I’m not here to dis the musicianship or abilities of any artist, creating music is never easy and all works are to be applauded. But please for the love of god, bands such as Fall Out Boy, Black Veil Brides, Bullet For My Valentine, Motionless In White, Panic! At The Disco and yes, even My Chemical Romance, are not punk. I’m sorry ok! But before you throw egg at me, presuming you haven’t already left this rant in disgust, listen to my justification. First off, even Billie Joe Armstrong hates the term pop-punk, so don’t get butt hurt. Punk as a genre emerged in the 70s as a way for venting frustration, and was controversial for being abrupt. One of the most IMPORTANT features of punk music, is a message, and no, it’s not a message that seeks to throw hate and hurt at an ex. These messages were from angry kids, angry (and tbh poor) people who were not happy with how the world was treating itself. It was fast paced and sometimes down-right awfully performed, but the unity of anger towards ignorant people was there, people who were blinded by the social systems they existed in. Punk was born from 60s garage rock, many bands from this time and movement became known as ‘proto-punk’. Punk originated mostly in the U.K (Although it wasn’t long before punk bands were sprouting up in U.S.A and Aus) The Reign of Ronald Reagan as President of the United States was also a major topic for punks. They hated him. He was the Trump of the times. Heck, there was a band called Reagan Youth. Many people say punk is dead, to quote Jello Biafra “Punk is not dead. Punk will only die when corporations can exploit and mass produce it”. So hey, thanks to you calling any alternative music you hear “punk” it’s dying rapidly as you desperately try to cling to an image that was never yours to keep. Punk had opened the floodgates for a plethora of beautiful genres, a movement known as post-punk birthed in the 80s that stemmed into more mellow genres, shoe-gaze, goth etc. and yes, these genres lead to grunge and industrial music in the 90s and emo in the 2000s. There are so many genres that beautifully interweave and have unique love-child genres. There are too many to list, and as interesting and complex as they are, they’re still not punk. This is why, although some people would stand up and shout “punk is non conformity! It’s music that isn’t mainstream!” Yes you are correct, but isn’t your idea of what pop-punk looks like just that? You can never escape conformity if you try to live in a uniform. That uniform is why you are not punk, ‘punk’ is being against the idea of a single cultivated image of approval. That itself is a form of elitism, not this fucking rant so don’t start pointing fingers. The most influential punk bands that ever existed did not wear eyeliner, did not wear plaid, or chains, or even all black, they wore clothes, because (fun fact) clothes stop you being arrested for public indecency. (Check out the clothing choices of Ian MacKaye, he’s a real punk) Punk encourages people to learn some respect, self respect and respect for others, it never condoned actions or behaviours such as those Sid Vicious exhibited, many hardcore punks will tell you he was a poser and a pig. I’m aware that I’ve gone on for far too long so thanks for reading this far. If you would like further educating, a list of original punk bands and music you should check out can be found as the only other post on this blog.

If after all this, you still think your long, greasy fringe makes you a punk, take a fucking Holiday in Cambodia.

[simptasia]

Prompt: rebellious teenaged Miles Straume headcanons. Where does he live (we know it's not with his mom)? Is he in school? How punk is he? Does he shop at Hot Topic? What's his fave song? Can he play an instrument (if so, which one)? Does he like movies (if so, what's his fave)? Is he already using his powers to survive financially or does he have another job?

Oooh, okay, yay, I love thinking about this Miles, or Miles in general. But late teen/young adult punk Miles! Thank you, LOST for giving me that.

And thank you!

Wow, that’s right, he wasn’t living with his mum. I remember that now. Good question actually, where the fuck would one go? I assume he saved up his money to leave, to get like a very shitty shoebox room in some apartments. (Congrats, Miles, you went from a tiny house with your mother to a tinier house on your own. In the city.) He was out of high school when this happened

I think he went thru school & high school like everybody else (Lara was glad for the time to work, I imagine she had two jobs to support them) but got expelled during his last year due to too many absent days and lack of participation. He ditched school a lot, to kill time at the local mall, or the park. He got bad grades, not due to a lack of skill/intelligence, he just didn’t do the work. He couldn’t have gone to college even if he wanted to, for obvious reasons. 

(in many ways, he’s a huge contrast to Dan. rich, poor. best education, almost no education. bad mother, good mother)

How punk is he? Well, besides the look (he got frowned at by old people a lot), young Miles was very, uh, pissed off at life and people in general. (anger masking vulnerability, fear and pain) Basically, fuck the system, fuck school, fuck life. Listens to 90s/early 2000s punk/emo rock. Kicks vending machines.He ditched school soooo much, shoplifted several times (in his defense, he was poor) and got arrested a couple of times. And escorted home in a police car several times. He, along with most people, thought he was a loony bird freak with no future so why try? Sad punk. He felt guilty about making his mum sad and disappointed so much but he just kept acting out, anyways.

I looked it up and Hot Topic started in 1988, holy shit. Hardcore. Anyways, yes. Hot Topic was amongst the shops he’d hang out during school days. But, like, his look was, like, flannel and piercings and a skunk stripe. Which he got at garage sales, piercing parlors (or any goth weirdo willing to poke holes in Miles’ face) and like, a spray can. So, I imagine Miles at Hot Topic not so much to buy stuff, but to hang around people who were like him. He wanted friends. Aw…

I haven’t picked out any fave songs. But whenever I hear sad-ish, mopey but thrashy punk/emo rock, I think of Miles. Including that song “boulevard of broken dreams” which is weird, because that song came out in 2004??

I’ve decided Miles can play harmonica and is a fairly decent singer. He also played with the instruments at the local music store but isn’t, like, good

Oh, sure, he likes movies.

horror, especially suspense horror. but he likes the campy shit, too.

mystery, detective movies. i picture him watching and enjoying buddy cop movies with his mom. he was a rebellious teen but he did love his mom

there was a time when he’d watch a movie solely based on if a lady gets her top off during it (some greasy dude at the vid store would tell him)

his fave movie is Ghostbusters. something he doesn’t like to admit because Miles is too punk (and later grown up) to like that sorta thing

he became a ghostbusters fan at age 7 (lara took him to the cinema to see it!) and his powers kicked in when he was 8… besides miles trying to act less childish than he was, he didn’t want these two traits associated. being the guy who can hear ghosts and is into ghost stuff? nooope

Job wise… He did a gay porno when he was 18 but that doesn’t count as a job, at least not in Miles’ mind, because it was just one time. They were filming across from Miles & Lara’s unit and he just happened to wander by and somebody saw him and was like “hey, kid, wanna make 500 bucks?” and hell, yeah, he did. I think he didn’t start using his powers for conning until, uh… early to mid 20s? (nobody is gonna allow a teenager to come in to do psychic shit) 

Also it’s canon that Miles was a mechanic before that. (It goes: punk, mechanic, ghostbuster, science team member) It was his first real job. One of the few options he had, with such poor grades and a police record. But an old local mechanic (with kids of his own) took a chance on this poor angry kid. This meant he had to remove the piercings (all 15 of them) from his face.

[myvelouri]

I got drunk last night.

There's a new waitress and she was so fucking cool! I talked to her for so long. She's a cool chick. My other buddy who knows her longer was mad that I was talking to her. He's already gotten close with her to the point where when he sat by himself all annoyed she was actually like "are you mad at mee" and they've known each other for 2 weeks. I used to make friends this fast too. But not anymore. ANYWAY, yeah he was butthurt, not at me, something else happened. Also the guy that is into her was mean mugging her and my buddy. Cause she gave my buddy all her attention. Lmao. My buddy does that, he really makes other guys jealous cause he is likeable as fuck. But yeah. Anyway. I asked him if he cared if I flirted with her or not. He said he likes her. So I said okay man I won't. And so I didn't. I'm a good friend. My buddy is 31 hahaha. So yeah I was talking to the new gal, she's so funny and she has such a goth name and she named her baby with the same goth tradition. I said those names are very series of unfortunate events. And she got so elated and lit up and said "omg thank you." She had a manga with her and a Chuck palahniuk book with her. Could you get any hotter? Lol. She was the doorman at the bar so she had that with her. Um yeah, I was able to joke around with her easily. She didn't give me her number but she gave me her Facebook. My buddy is closer to her. He got mad and gave me the finger cause I was talking to her and making her laugh. But I didn't flirt with her or anything hardcore. I didn't. He said he knows and trusts me and that he's just kidding. I think they might have gone home together cause I saw them drive together. I let them be, I didn't try to cockblock or intervene amongst them at the end of the night. She told me she got knocked up by this guy she had sex with just once. And my buddy said he looked like me. But she said she wasn't even attracted to him at all and yet she fucked him anyway. Idk why she kept the baby. Oh right, she said she already had an abortion so she promised herself she wouldn't do it again. She was kinda mad when she said that guy is already marrying another girl and knocked her up too. She showed me a pic of him, I mean idk if we look alike, but I guess.

Here's the part that got me confused. So I left them and mingled with other people. I went back to my buddy later. He told me that she actually thinks I'm really nice or cool, but that I'm not her type. She said she likes guys with beer bellies. Lmao little does she know I actually have a belly hehehehe it's just a smol.

But yeah I was like, dude! You two talk about everything!?

But then again she did tell me a lot of information. She's cool. So her and my buddy originally hit it off the first day she started working there because he ordered just one beer and she accidentally rang up his bill for 200 dollars. She was so apologetic. She fixed it... Then fucked it up again! That's so funny. So he had a easy way to fuck with her and he did. They became close with that. He's just sociable too.

So there was another guy that I know. He's known to be a sugar daddy. He was bragging a lot and I asked him what does he do to pull all these ladies blah blah blah, honestly I was just drunk. Then he mentioned that he is going out with the new waitress!! The same one! I was like wtf! I told my buddy this. I was like dude wtf how is this guy fucking every girl for real?

My buddy told her! I was like BRO LOL YOU TELL HER EVERYTHING. But they aren't mad. They just know I'm a messenger. It's okay. So yeah, turns out she actually thinks that guy is creepy as fuck and she only said to him that "maybe" she'll go out with him this week. Haha. That means no. That means a huge no. She said she's creeped out by him. He looks good, just an older dude, uh, kind of douchey, idk, I just know he has a lot of ladies with him. He was with a stripper one time and she was awesome. He was her sugar daddy. BUT APPARENTLY SHE DIDNT LET HIM FUCK. I'm like wow this dude is just frontin, he ain't really all that. He just acts like it. Plus that one night, she was way into my other buddy, I'm pretty sure they fucked haha. Haven't seen her in a while. She was sweet to me. She sells content and nudes and stuff. I haven't seen it, I don't want to, I just remember her telling me that.

So yeah my buddy was saying how the new waitress' ex looks like me, my build, a stick haha (omg me and her joked that we were both sticks, and she has a hilarious anime page called UwU that she added me into) but idk. I am really attracted to this one girl that comes into this bar often. She's absolutely perfect but she always has guys with her. And even when she leaves the guys are like grovelling, talking about her. It makes me stay away. Maybe she would have thought I was hot when I was younger. But idk she rushed behind me as she was racing out the door and she gave me a fake name because she was being called out. It's the first time I ever spoke to her but she was riding my ass trying to run away. idk what happened..maybe tried to avoid her bill? Ionno.

[shelterpark]

ABOUT THE MUN: Name: Carter Age: 21 Pronouns: he/him Discord: u have it ABOUT THE MUSE: Name: Filmore Anderson Age: 15, birthday in august Gender: Male Pronouns: He/him Sexuality: haha u got me there Height: 5'9 Location: Loner, probably.  Occupation: N/A Brief History: Originally, Filmore stuck around in South Park. But, of course. Teen Rebellion. Not that South Park was awful to him or anything, but he really, really got bored. So now he was out and about, trying not to die, (not doing a good job at it tho, he's a wreck).  5 or more Headcanons: - WOW BIG SURPRISE, still insists he's gonna end up president some day.  - Big daddy issues kid, calls everyone he ends up respecting "Dad", sometime he ends up calling people "Mom." Just misses his parents okay.  - Good with his hands, not so much with his brain anymore. His last classes (before the big bad) ended with him in the low B range. He's definitely more hands on, and doesn't like thinking. He's more actions over words.  - tends to talk to himself, or talk himself up, mainly cause he misses his friends and really wants to talk to someone, even if it's himself.  - fuckboy extreme; though he's awful at it. He'll flirt, but fall on his face.  - Super clumsy, tends to fuck up his fingers or his face a lot. Has a weirdly angled nose from a break he couldn't fix.  RP Example:  Filmore was dead on his feet. This wasn't just a migraine, he was definitely catching something. It was weird, he never got sick. He didn't sleep in, he woke up on time for school and everything. But couldn't get out if his bed. Fantastic. He was on his phone most of the day, or sleeping. And when Firkle barged into his house, he was definitely halfway asleep. Sure he was texting the group, but that didn't mean he wasn't tired. He groaned loudly, thankful his voice wasn't shot to hell. "I'm in my room, don't slam the door-!" He yelled out, moving to sit up in his bed. Nope, that was a door slam. "Jackass." Thanks, now he had to get up and pretend he was fine. Which was.. easy enough, sure. But he knew the goth was gonna be barging up his stairs to give him the sacred drugs. Okay, it was just hardcore Tylenol. Whatever.  Oh wait. Was he seriously that far into a sick haze that the kid was actually already in his room? What the hell?  The brunette winced when the bag hit him square in the chest, but smiled a bit anyways, leaving the bag in his lap. He made no move to open it up. "Hey, thanks, Georgie." His eyes darted to the other side of the room, feet shifting uncomfortably on the floor, even though he wasn't standing up. Was he going to leave now? Or did he actually expect him to pay him back? Cause his wallet was on his desk and that was far. At least far for a bedridden fuckboy. And he really didn't want to move more than necessary. Please don't make him get up. 

[hauntingtv]

Warning: Mature content. If boobs and blood offend you, return on another day, or check out this cute horror kids book I reviewed once upon a time: Spooky Skwerl Stories.

David Black of Darkness Visible

Today I have a written interview with the bass player, song writer, and singer of the Theatrical Horror Rock Band, Darkness Visible. David Black! David hails all the way from Melbourne, Australia. Today we’re chatting about the biggest, craziest music video his group has ever created. So if you liked the post I did about Anthrax’s Blood Eagle Wings then you’ll feel right at home here today.

JA = Jeanette Andromeda   *   DB = David Black

First, a little context

Here is one of the music videos from Darkness Visible to give you a tiny taste of the newest music video they have cooking up.

On to the Interview

JA: How did you start your journey with Darkness Visible?

DB:   Darkness Visible started off by accident. I was at a gothic night club called Apocalypse – totally drunk, fully gothed up and staggering around when a guy came up to me with a flyer and said he was creating the first ever Australian Darkwave compilation CD called Candles and Intrigue. He felt that because I looked so hardcore that I should be in a band. I felt the idea was a bit funny and went to show the flyer to some friends for a giggle, but they all took it seriously. So next thing, I signed the flyer and had to deliver a fully recorded song and do a photoshoot within a month. The CD came out, the song took off and the band made it into Mick Mercer’s book, the Hex Files.  Here is the Candles and Intrigue CD https://www.discogs.com/Various-Candles-and-Intrigue/release/768603

and an ad for the Hex Files https://www.amazon.com/Hex-Files-Bible-Mick-Mercer/dp/0879517832

JA: Oh wow! How long had you been playing/ creating music before the CD came out?

DB: We were in the right place at the right time for something big that was happening – namely the explosion of the second wave of goth. Before that song, I had been in a band before but it had been years before. The friends that pressured me into this all were aware of that .

Side Note: If you’d like to learn more about the origins of David Black and the band, make sure to check out his 1st band, Thrush in the pages of the Hardcore History Project.

JA: With your newest music video, what’s gone into creating it so far?

DB: Its the biggest to date. It had a cast and crew of around 50. Being the 9th music video and with such a long history, I ended up with a giant crew of many of the Melbourne Indie movie industries top people, and for the cast, the top of the acting, burlesque and carny scenes.

There were 4 camera crews going all day at the main shoot, and something like 4 truck loads of equipment brought in, a team of 5 or 6 make up artists, 3 photographers.

JA:  Wow, that’s Huge!

Pasties made for the dancers in the video

BD: It was months of pre production. Getting costumes and props ordered or made. Here are the paisties that were made for the ghoul nurses. Every little piece of costuming was weeks of discussions and planning. Same with make up and ordering things like glitter and studs and designing stuff.

JA: What’s been your favorite memory so far during the creation of the video?

DB:  Believe it or not, I was running around the whole day – most of the time covered in sweat, and I left the place delerious from the effort. I had cancer and had recovered, so this was my come back video – and the effort took it out of me.

JA: Holy cow. way to jump back in!

DB: There was one room where the documentary interviews were being done as well and I was running around so much that I almost didnt manage to do an interview.  Yep, for a guy that was just getting his energy back, in retrospect, I see that it was a bit ambitious – but it was impossible to imagine how busy it was going to be. I did sit down with them. While everyone was having lunch, I sat with the doco crew. Besides, the queue for lunch was massive anyway. We had a pro caterer there so everyone saw a fantastic array and just end up there.

JA: Gnarly effect make-up, David. Who did helped out with all the gore?

JA: How long did it take to put this video together?

DB: the video and song, once things really got underway, will have been around 1 years work. It was late April last year that I picked up with the work on both the song and video and started regularly working on it.

JA: I think it’s a great way to come back. Something big and exciting like this, seems like a great way to reinvigorate life.

DB: I agree, but it is also worrying to do something big as a come back too. Its like there is a pressure to have this do well now.

JA: Props to you

DB: It is fast. And often I did feel like I was burning the candle at both ends. The promo side too is important and we have gone on something like 8 radio shows, the tv and now getting some coverage in your magazine.

JA: Yeah, been there myself. But the thrill of the creative process is infectious. David, thank you for sharing some of what you’ve gone through to create this newest video. I can’t wait to see how it all comes together!

Darkness Visible in a recent TV appearance 

For the New Music Video

Either keep an eye out here or follow David and Darkness Visible so you don’t miss out when this new creation tears into the world. Here’s where you can find them:

Tumblr: davidbblack.tumblr.com

Facebook: facebook.com/DarknessVisible

One More Song for the Road

Darkness Visible: boobs, blood & surviving cancer. An interview w/ #goth musician David Black. Warning: Mature content. If boobs and blood offend you, return on another day, or check out this cute horror kids book I reviewed once upon a time: …

[kasprsg]

REVOLUTIONS PER MINUTE

Published in Studija Magazine 87 (2012 December) following exhibition H at KKC, Riga. 2012

Two threes are rotating around an axis. The longer they are spinning, the less they look like figures, twisting and dissolving as they move. Two threes spin around the axis thirty three times per minute, and along with them there wobbles and ripples one more third and three small letters – RPM (Revolutions per minute). For a Latvian mind like the one I have, the letters standing for revolutions per minute make me first of all think of fundamental changes in power per minute. How many revolutions are there really per minute? To be more exact, how many fundamental changes are supported by a thought or action per minute? Maybe somewhere someone is drawing three lines on squared paper, lines that are later to become an international event, while elsewhere one more breakfast fortifies a personal commitment to do away with cheese with holes in it, once and forever.

Long-playing vinyl records are still played at 33.33 RPM, but their manufacturers will certainly remember the time when a cassette player was part of the stockpile of sound gear in people’s bedrooms, lounge rooms and kitchens. People were able to record music from the radio, copy and share recordings with friends, acquaintances and strangers. With the help of a pencil, you could wind up the time captured in the tape.

In 1980, Annabella Lwin, dressed up as a pop-music pirate, repeated in a strident voice the words written by the godfather of punk music, Malcolm McLaren: “C30, C60, C90, go!” The song in Burundi beat eulogized the most popular cassette formats of the day and at the same time, and to a certain extent, marked a flagging of the initial rapture in the punk revolution, but let us return to that later. C90 meant that a cassette could hold approximately two longplaying records (2x45 minutes), and all of a sudden time was slightly easier to take hold of. Thirty years later it is so difficult to imagine any limits to data carriers that even the Guinness Book of Records no longer thinks it worth maintaining the category of “The World’s Longest Album”. And Nam June Paik, possibly, would be forced to admit that books have ceased to be “the most advanced technology”.

The punk coup in the UK was launched by the word “shit!”, scornfully spat out live on TV. Upon Malcolm McLaren’s solicitous advice, the boutique of his girlfriend, Vivienne Westwood, acquired a new name – ‘SEX’, and a timeless accessory: the band Sex Pistols. The punk revolution had already started, but the expletives the Sex Pistols members uttered on Bill Grundy’s afternoon TV show in 1976 echoed the next day from the front pages of British papers (“The Filth and the Fury!”), and straight away also in the minds of anxious parents, lunch-time conversations and scratchiti on public transport seats.

The word “punk” was, and still is, protected and cared for with pride by its keepers. It was in angry slogans that they found their identity, to be enhanced by squeaky guitars and the rebellion manifested in their clothing. Multicoloured mohawks cut through the crowds like festive banners in the streets of London, Liverpool and Manchester, soon to spread from Paris to Moscow and further on.

When, in the late 1970s, Derek Jarman’s film Jubilee appeared on the screen, Vivienne Westwood offered her customers an open letter of denunciation to the director: “I had been to see it once and thought it the most boring and therefore disgusting film I had ever seen” said the wobbly handwriting of the letter printed on a T-shirt.

It seemed to Westwood that in this work, promoted as the first punk film, the street subculture had been used as stage design, giving the wrong impression about punks. A culture invoking anarchy and freedom was suddenly threatened by a homosexual film director from “artistic circles”, offering his version about a certain time in a certain place. Shortly before his death, Jarman wrote that the film had later turned out to be prophetic. Many of the original anarchists were soon basking on TV in Top of the Pops, while Adam Ant, one of the lead actors in Jubilee, entertained soldiers at a ball celebrating the victory of the British (and Margaret Thatcher) in the Falklands War.

In 1853, Édouard Manet’s painting Le Déjeuner sur l’herbe (‘The Luncheon on the Grass’) sparked the displeasure of the Parisian public. The picture features two respectably clad gentlemen who have sat down in rather roughly daubed woods, together with a nude lady gazing serenely at the viewer. The men, lost in conversation, scarcely notice her, just like they ignore the woman clad in a nightdress who is bathing in a nearby river or lake. Manet’s uneven strokes were re-echoed ten years later in the newspaper Le Charivari, with Louis Leroy sarcastically satirising a bunch of – in his opinion – inept Parisian painters. And thus the mocked-at impressionists were drawn into the modernist whirlpool.

More than a hundred years later, The Luncheon on the Grass shocked society once again. This time Annabella Lwin, at the time a 15-year-old girl, joined in the meal, with her mates from the band Bow Wow Wow posing in the roles of the city dandies. The not-too-precise photographic interpretation of Manet’s painting was to be used for the cover of their album See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang, Yeah. City All Over! Go Ape Crazy. The young singer’s mother, meanwhile, sued Malcolm McLaren for the exploitation of a minor.

Bow Wow Wow was Malcolm McLaren’s next “project” after the punk revolution, a weird attempt to destroy the music industry from the inside, using to this end the underage Annabella, lewd lyrics and a whole load of erotic photographs. Managing the Sex Pistols had finished in massive disagreement, the breakup of the group and – finally – the death of the notorious bassist Sid Vicious. But McLaren’s plan to stir up a nationwide paedophilia scandal by publishing, with financial assistance from the music giant EMI, a kids porn magazine called Chicken, again featuring Annabella Lwin, failed. Punk rock had become too slow.

Lydia Lunch, “the official face” of the New York No Wave movement, was to sneer some time later: “I thought punk was lousy Chuck Berry music amped up to play triple fast. (..) I thought it was really too much orientated towards fashion.” Lunch’s howls, clusters of booming noises and screaming wails of saxophone that tore the air in New York artists’ dives had finally decimated rock music, leaving behind a mutilated carcass.

Although the No Wave overthrow took place mostly on the cover of the No New York vinyl record while its participants maintained obstinate silence, foregoing slogans and grandiose future plans, it rumbled on like a thunderstorm in summer, making many sit up. While Jean-Michel Basquiat was rubbing shoulders with crowds at the concerts of Lydia Lunch and her group, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, in the west, east, south, north and centre of America the hollow rumble reverberated in furious incitements and piercing vibrations of guitar strings. Young and angry, keepers of the punk legacy offered a new version of mutiny and anarchy – hardcore punk, alluding to the term used by the porn industry to denote heavy porn. The hardcore version of punk rock was uncontrollable, like a vein throbbing on one’s neck, with music crashing through clapped-out loudspeakers as fast as the drummer’s extremities would allow.

In the mid-1980s, mutant monsters, named after bebop and rocksteady genres of music, scared the kids from TV screens. Loaded with chains, wearing military style clothes and brightly coloured mohawks, mutant punks fought ninja turtles in the New York City underground. For the most part unsuccessfully. The ninjas, in turn, were being cheered on by one of the 80s mainstream rappers, Vanilla Ice, with a spirited Go ninja, go ninja, go!. The clashes of subcultures had entered into popular culture, thus obtaining many of the stereotypes we know today. In the city slums, aggressive punks wallowed in garbage, the hip-hop culture left behind it defaced walls, while antisocial Goths pined away in basements, messing around with the occult. “A brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel and a recluse. Before the day was over, they broke the rules (...)”

While Soviet children were being scared by a hippie wolf with a cigarette in its mouth, American television screens were lit up by Ronald Reagan’s smile, but the punk rock in stale cellars and beer-soaked bars had become much faster and more violent. People’s bodies rolled over the edge of the stage and band members sometimes mingled with the crowd in order to have a punch up. Hardcore music embodied young people’s protest against the existing division of roles and became the soundtrack for the mood of a certain strata of society. Amidst the flailing feet, hands and hair, Jello Biafra yelled, with a TV evangelist’s tremor in his voice: I’m your hope dope pusher!”

I remember, round about the time when conductors had just appeared on public transport in Riga, an elderly bus conductor expressed her horror about my friends’ pierced ears, lips, eyebrows and noses. To which somebody replied, with a snigger, that their god was a magnet – the more metal in your body, the closer you are to the almighty.

The number of bands and small independent music publishers grew in proportion to the number of broken jaws. Information travelled from town to town via records, cassettes and home-edited issues, slowly building a definite community where information circulates like well-lubricated conversation. During a longer communication, the words accumulated meaning, to an outside observer they seemed like sentences dropped in a hurry. A commonplace word or simply the geometry of eyebrows allowed a person conversant with the language to continue with a communication in which pieces of clothing, graphic signs and tattoo lines have their place. As in similar subcultures, the language of communication in hardcore communities remained, for as long as possible, as opaque as any ‘insider joke’ that is funny only for those in the know.

Like before, the punks of the 1970s inevitably felt weary – from the shards of glass under their feet, from the incessant brawls, the conflicts with the law, an abstract enemy and the monotonous beat of the music. A community that still nurtured a vision of independence from the state system tried to absorb bloody fists and the owners thereof, fierce individuals for whom a comrade’s shoulder served as a catalyst for violence. Hardcore subculture slowly went through change, with many of its original adherents growing up and getting tired of destruction and roaming around (Seek & Destroy). As they fought unsuccessfully to avert the imminent capitulation through indelible individual promises of their flesh, time inevitably pointed towards new uprisings.

Sitting alone with the rumble of Riga trains, nothing can be stated with any certainty, however, doubt and revelations began to creep into the recordings emerging from the punk community in the mid-1980s. Collectors of music stories will later credit this time with being the starting point for a number of genres, but they too will hardly be able to say that for certain. New events unfolded at every moment. Possibly at some point the punk community had very little left in common with those drunkards who a decade earlier had styled their hair with beer and burnt the flag of their country. The ecstasy of negation is followed by a stage when slogans should be put into practice, and perhaps doing things had left a bitter aftertaste. And all at once the punks were so sad as to tell you everything.

The name emo, from the very first day detested by the ones who were called this, slipped out of somebody’s mouth as inadvertently as that which was once uttered by Louis Leroy. In twenty years’ time, emo was already a global movement with its own language and rules. As a quiet reply to the increasing dominance of hooligans at concerts and the predictable musical algorithms, emo (from the word emotional) punk rock began to drown in longing and visions. Somewhere, the still existent authority sneered menacingly, and emo seemed to say: “It is difficult for me to fight all that on my own.”

After 1991, when the Western world was shaken by Nevermind, a record by Nirvana, the movers and shakers of the music industry seemed to suddenly realise that hysterical yelling and a hatred of yourself and those around you can be sold. The next year saw the screening of the film Wayne’s World, which features two unlucky metalheads unexpectedly ensnared by a greedy media corporation. Although this flirtation turns out to be a failure, and the characters learn the meaning of “selling yourself”, the movie has a happy end: the scruffy rebels come under the care of a “good” corporation and live happily ever after. Wayne, the one whose world is depicted in the film, finally gets his Filipino dream girl, whose looks and musical career in the film strangely resemble the case of Annabella Lwin.

You would have thought that with the weapon lent to Cobain by Dylan Carlson everything should have come to an end, but still that was not the case. By the time those who fought against music piracy had become alarmed by developments in computer technology which allowed time to be grasped even more firmly than on cassette, alternative rock had blown up. Grunge had ceased to be something that young people played somewhere in Seattle – even in the little houses of godforsaken Limbaži, decrepit guitars were being tuned to repeat the magical chords of Come as you are.

The cries of sad losers were burnt into thousands of CDs. It turned out that everybody was having a hard time – both the hooligans and their pretty girlfriends as well as the geeks and the loners. Punk rock had become the soundtrack for a high school get together, where all of the above have gathered to smoke marihuana on the school football grounds, trying to forget about the decade into which they had landed against their will.

In 1895, Swedish writer and painter August Strindberg refused Gauguin’s request that he write a preface to the exhibition catalogue, saying in his letter, among other things: “I cannot understand your art and I cannot like it. I have no grasp of your art, which is now exclusively Tahitian. But I know that this confession will neither astonish nor wound you, for you always seem to me fortified especially by the hatred of others (..) For moment you were approved and ad-mired and had supporters, they would classify you, put in your place and give your art a name which, five years later, the younger generation would be using as a tag for designating a superannuated art, and art they would do everything to render still more out of date.”