#wow now that i feel like a person today and not an evil gremlin i dont hate these

[linoyes]

[some-dr-writings]

Maki and her protective best friend celebrate her birthday one-shot: Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

The life of an assassin was a rather lonely one, for Maki Harukawa at least. Nothing but hiding and killing people. That was it for the most part. Often times she’d think back to a certain mission that would change her life, the mission that allowed her to just be a person for a while, the assignment that took her to Hope’s Peak Academy. Initially she was just there for work, but in her time looking into her target’s schedule, she got to get to know people, talk, and laugh with others, get roped into others’ silly plans, just have fun with her class. After taking out her target she was supposed to leave, but she stayed. She kept attending as the Super High School Caregiver, for the first time she ignored an order and made a choice for herself. She stayed and made friends. It was by far the best time in her life. She found herself just wanting to be with them, and she fought for it, and it was all worth it. No matter how she longed to return to those days she could never go back though. The moment they graduated it was all over, she had to slink back into the shadows and return to her true work.

At times, she wondered if things could have turned out different though. It is said that all those who attend Hope’s Peak Academy and managed to graduate were guaranteed a great future. Perhaps there she could have made an even bigger change in her life than allowing herself agency. Perhaps she could have gone even farther, find some way to make lots of money to keep her old orphanage running without the need of assassins. Leave her old life behind and make a new one, one where she could keep better contact with her friends. One where she wouldn’t have to worry about their safety if she stayed close to them. Very few of her old friend could she keep around to some extent, but even then, she had to keep them at a great distance and disappear for years on end from them.

Maki never regretted attending Hope’s Peak and staying, never even crossed her mind to consider it. Leaving hurt, but her memories could never be taken away. She could always keep those precious moment close at hand, times she drew strength from like her time at the orphanage. No matter the amount of blood spilled, the constant moving from place to place, hiding and attacking, the paranoia, she always had those memories.

It was rarer, but at times, her missing these times became too much to bear, there was one place she could return to for a week or less to recapture the carefreeness she could never attain anywhere else. A single apartment tucked away in some city, hidden away from the world. It was the perfect place for those who preferred to hide away from one and all.

As Maki approached the apartment, she heard the distinct sound of laughter and something being knocked over. Maki leaped back, the door suddenly slamming open. “Nishishi! Ah! MAKIROLL!” The purple haired gremlin ducked behind her, clutching something. “Protect me with your scary, evil, assassin, murder, death glair!” Maki shoved Kokichi into the wall behind her, slapping a hand over his mouth. “Do you want to die?” Her grip was not tight though, knowing Kokichi was not stupid enough to so loosely say that, he would only do so now knowing no one could be listening in. Even so, her reaction to hearing that was so instinctive. Kokichi managed to slip out from under her hand. “Yeah! That look exactly! Now! I choose you, Maki! Use scary-evil-assassin-murder-death-glair on Y/N!” She looked to the open door, you out of breath, your smile beaming. “Maki!” She didn’t move accepting you tackling her into a hug. “You’re back! You’re back, you’re back, you’re back!” A bright blush instantly erupted on her cheeks as you squeezed her tightly, nuzzling into her. “Oh~ What’s this? Our stoic assassin has a weakness for hugs?” Kokichi hugged her tightly as well, only making the blush on her cheeks darken to a bright red. “D-do you want to die!?” “Maki get’s hugs.” “Maki get’s hugs!”

If Maki could only keep one person from her high school days, she was so glad it was you, her best friend… even if you usually came with Kokichi of all people.

Eagerly you took Maki’s hands, dragging her into the apartment as Kokichi did the same but instead shoving her in. “Aw, this is the best! I didn’t think we’d have you for your birthday!” “My birthday?” As you dashed away into the kitchen Kokichi hopped up, taking Maki’s coat. “Whaaaaa!? You didn’t know today was your own birthday!?” Those crocodile tears came pouring out as he wailed. “Thaaaaaat’s sooo saaaaaaad!” Those tears however abruptly stopped as Kokichi spotted you. “Oh! Cake!” “Happy birthday Maki!” You presented the white frosted cake to her, giving it a twirl before placing it on the island that separated the living room from the kitchen. Kokichi had already scampered off, gathering plates and forks.

So it was February already? Maki hadn’t even noticed. As she sat at the island, watching as you and Kokichi playfully bickered about who was going to cut the cake, you worrying about Kokichi taking a giant piece for himself or some such, Maki wondered how long it had been since she had seen the pair of you. It had been at least little more than a year, she knew that for sure.

“Ugh! Why do I even live with a brat like you anyway?” “You make almost no money and only I do.” “… Damn it!” “Y’know, the offer to join my secret evil organization is still open! Same goes for you miss, evil scary assassin! We could use someone li-” Kokichi’s offer was cutoff by you slamming a hand on the Island, before Kokichi. “Maki is not evil, nor is she scary you monster. Look at her, she’s the definition of adorable!” Maki immediately turned away, nervously playing with her hair. “Not this again.” A light blush dusted on her cheeks knowing what was happening. “Excuse me!? Yes, this again!” You leaned over the table, gently poking her cheek. “Soft squishable cheeks. Big eyes. Little ears. Pouty smile. Get’s flustered easily. Simply adorable!” It seemed every time she came to see you Kokichi would appear at some point and say something to get you to go off on how great, cute, or amazing she was. She’d almost think Kokichi was doing this on purpose specifically to get you to compliment her so much but to Maki this could not be the case. To Maki, Kokchi was a selfish creature. All he did was for his own entertainment so getting you to compliment Maki and fluster her was for Kokichi’s entertainment, not for Maki, she couldn’t understand the dictator’s behavior in any other way.

As you continued to go on how adorable she was Kokichi cut three giant slices of cake for each of you. It was red velvet. It was delicious. She never said anything about it, but… Maki liked it, knowing that at least you and maybe Kokichi were going to celebrate her birthday, even if she likely wouldn’t have been around to celebrate it too. She remembered how despite it happening every year, every time she was surprised when you and the whole class threw a birthday party for her. And yet again the exact same thing has happened, you and others, well, one other, surprising her by celebrating her birthday.

Before Maki knew it, most of the cake was gone and the three of you were making a fort in the living room. “This is stupid. Why are we even doing this?” “What!? Stupid!? Gurl, we’re making our secret base!” Kokichi skipped away to gather more blankets while you were trying to figure out where to place a chair. “Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself, so I think that’s a good enough reason!” “Maybe I am.” Maki acted as your assistant getting blankets and pillows from your room to add to the fort, all the while Kokichi mostly keeping to his room, occasionally popping out and cause chaos, knocking down a wall only for you and Maki to make the fort even bigger and more sturdy. Soon there was nothing else that could be used, and it was a mighty fort indeed.

You and Maki sat huddle inside. You held Maki’ hand, carefully brushing the first coat of nail polish on her nails while Kokichi kept being unable to decide which color Maki should wear… despite you already brushing a color on. “Say, when was the last time you got your nails painted?” “Last time I visited you.” “Three years ago!?” Ah… so that’s how long it’s been. You looked to your dear friend in disappointment. “Maki! You promised me you’d try to do more things for yourself!” “I came here, didn’t I?” “Well, yeah. But you need to take care of yourself more often, not every couple of years!” “I don’t have many chances to do this. I much rather paint my nails with you than on my own.” “…” You were silent, just thinking for a moment. “Was this really the first opportunity you had in three years?” “… No, this isn’t, but this was the only good chance. My next assignment is not too close, no one is following me, I can actually be here.” “Then what about those other times when you can’t get here. Can’t you do even a little something for yourself then?” “I have to focus on work.” “All work and nothing else… well, you’re unfortunately used to that.” “Yeah.” Kokichi groaned as he placed one of the little bottles down. “Geez Maki-dearest-” “Don’t call me that.” “Your life must suck. Why don’t you make a change! Have some fun!” “Shut up, you don’t know why I have to do this… Why I can’t do anything else.” “… Wow, so depressing. Is this why you’re always sulking?” “I don’t sulk!” “Oh, miss sad assassin, I’d almost pitty you if you weren’t heartless.” Kokichi smirked seeing you had tried to hit him with a rolled up magazine. “Maki has feelings, and she expresses them too! She’s just not as loud and obnoxious as SOME people!” “Aw, Y/N, it’s okay. We already know you’re a cry baby, you don’t have to tell us.” Kokichi immediately sprinted out of the fort, you lunging after him for a tussle. “Don’t bother, he’s just trying to get a ruse out of you.” “Yeah! That just makes beating him with a pillow more fun!” Maki couldn’t help but laugh a little seeing you were just as fiery, looking for any excuse to fight as ever. “So, how has the underground wrestling been treating you?” “I won the world championship!” Your eyes sparked with delight as you went on to explaining how it was one of your toughest matches, both you and your opponent trying your best, not holding anything back, even if it meant playing dirty and using weapons or throwing chairs.

And that was how the rest of the day went, just you and Maki happily chatting as you did whatever Maki liked and not often had the chance to do, like playing with make-up or styling her hair. Small little things that Maki so loved and appreciated that so many others got to do without a second thought. All too soon that fun had come to an end though. You had long gone to sleep and would not awaken for another few hours while Maki was up and restless.

Maki looked around the kitchen, searching through cupboard after cupboard till she found where the plastics were kept. She took out a little container and a fork, placing much more money than the cost of the things on the counter in case these were something more expensive than expected. She then cut a slice of cake, placing it in the container, along with the fork. She then stowed it away in the bag she had discarded upon arrival. Collecting that as well as the coat she had all she brought and left.

Upon exiting the building she looked up, finding the sky pitch black, pure white snow gently drifting down mixing and twirling around her frozen breaths which drifted up into the air, getting carried away by the wind, no control as to it’s destination before dissipating into nothing with the air. She pulled on the ends of her coat, hugging herself making it tighter as to be a better shield from the chilled world which surrounded her. With her every step down the sidewalk her lone footfalls echoed, a soft crunching sound of the snow being crushed under the weight of it all as she moved on. Of all seasons, winter had to be Maki’s least favorite, she couldn’t see why so many others found it to be so fun and great. It was just cold to her, nothing else. She sighed, wondering how long this awful snowfall was going to last, there seemed to be no end in sight.

There was hardly any other soul around, it was the early morning hours after all, just a little past midnight in fact. No one would want to be out in this dreadful cold. It was dark out too, making it hard to see. However that did not mean one could not notice some things like sounds that were almost silences by the snow that seemed to blanket everything, even it however could not cover up that distinctive voice. “Awww, you leaving already Maki-bear?” “Shut up. Stop giving me stupid nicknames. What do you want anyway?” That dreaded ‘Nishishi’ laughter rumbled out of him, the smile clear in it’s tone. “Why do you have to be such a meanie! I just want to say goodbye to my big sister!” “I am NOT your big sister!” A sigh escaped him at that response. “You always do this, sneak away when we’re not looking. Is it that hard for you to say goodbye? Don’t want to relive saying goodbye to everyone at our graduation ceremony?” He hummed away for a moment, then spoke, cutting off any response Maki could have made. “Say now that I think about it… You said goodbye to everyone but Y/N and I. It’s because we’re the only ones you knew you could see without putting into danger right? Because we both also specialize in illegal activities and know how to avoid people like you, right? Right!? I’m right, aren’t I! I knew it!” How his tone could so effortlessly change as if turning on and off a light with a single flip of the switch, that must have been one of the things Maki disliked most about the man, only second to how annoying and childish he relished being. His tone went from something somewhat serious to jubilation.

“You know, you can see them again. You don’t have to keep killing yourself. You can have your cake and eat it too!” “What?” Maki instinctively took a step back, hearing Kokichi was drawing nearer. This was a tone Maki had so rarely heard. It was a tone she could never quite place what it was, it was something like serious, but it was more open, light, earnest… who was she kidding, Kokichi could never be honest and open. His embrace was tight and warm. Even with the layers Maki could feel Kokichi’s heart beating next to her’s. “You know just as well as I do that crime can pay. How do you think I can afford an apartment for Y/N and other places around the world for me and my lackies? Join us. Slaving away at something you don’t even like. That’s just cruel torture. I know you can see it, a chance to break free. You can risk it all for a world where you can live a little, laugh, have fun, see everyone again. You can be family and not just on stand by waiting for SOMETHING! You can make a choice! Come with me, leave your cold dead world behind and come join me in the warmth of others. Let yourself love without any walls. Embrace others unabashedly without worry. Join me in a better life… Please. You can’t keep going like this Maki. We could have days like this every day, and we can protect whoever you want. I know you see it, you don’t need to sacrifice them or yourself anymore. No more aching, no more distance. You can let yourself be warm and close with others.”

Suddenly Kokichi pushed himself away. “But why would you believe a liar like me.” There was that childish tone Maki was all too accustomed too. “Whatever, I’m going to draw on Y/N face with marker, I’ve been getting rusty in my graffiti skills.” Then he skipped away. Maki huffed in annoyance, moving on. The hell was that brat saying. This was Maki’s life, she couldn’t move on to something else…

Sitting on the train Maki watched as she was carried away from the little town, the sun begging to rise, it’s golden glow obscured by the dark clouds. Opening her bag Maki found something unexpected. It was the rest of the cake in a container. There wasn’t much cake left anyway, but… Maki shook her head at the notion, the moment she opened the lid it likely would explode or something, Kokichi would do something like that. Maki did indulge on her slice. Even a little piece was better than nothing, leaving it all behind. It’s hard to quit something once you’ve gotten a taste of it after all.

It was a good thing maki left so soon, she was unexpectedly given new work not even an hour later. She was setting up in her new apartment. It was quiet and empty save a few basic necessities, but nothing else. Maki didn’t need anything else anyway. As she unpacked she cautiously placed the cake on some counter. As she took off her coat something fell out of one of the pockets. On one side was an address, and the other it just said ‘If you want to have your cake and eat it too’ followed by a little doodle of Kokichi’s face. This was all just some elaborate prank, it couldn’t be real in the slightest.

And so she continued to unpack though there was not much.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

And she did her work.

And she waited for another assignment.

All that time though she kept the cake, untouched in its box. That was till she found everything just tasted bland. So she tried the cake. It was stale, a little hard, but… it had some taste. And it felt warm.

It couldn’t hurt to at least look into where the address lead too. Who knows, maybe there really would be cake, and it’s be fresh and truly warm.

[mx-ishikawa]

F/O February Day 1: Reverse Self Ship

welcome to F/O February y’all!! :D for this prompt, I decided to do a little drabble! because I felt it would be easier to explain that way XD” honestly the reverse selfship AU is so good??? so here’s my contribution for today! XD (warning for brief mentions of self-harm and other injuries, other than that this should be a perfectly safe read!)

           “Rex Rex Rex! It’s on!! Quick, we gotta catch it!!!”

           “Okay Emmet, I’m coming, jeez!”

           Rex hoisted himself off his bed with a low grunt as Emmet scurried to the living room couch. He knew how excited his brother got over his favorite show. Four years ago, popular sitcom Where Are My Pants? had been his all-time favorite television series, but then his heart was stolen by a quirky cartoon called Light in the Darkness that he stumbled upon by chance. The show followed an adventurous, tomboyish young woman dubbed Light and her interactions in the secret world of monsters of all kinds, fighting the evil ones and befriending the good ones. There was quite an uproar within the fandom when the titular lead came out as agender a year before, and quite a bit of discourse since she still considered herself female in a vaguer sense. But none of that mattered to Emmet. He loved the character for her personality, and couldn’t care less about her gender or lack thereof.

           Oh, he loved her alright… his Tumblr was filled with screenshots and fanart of Light, he had all the merch of her he could afford, he even had a plush of her, which he was currently holding in his arms. He was immediately attached to her as soon as he got into the series; at first he thought she was just a comfort character, but before long, he realized he was actually flat-out in love with her. He had always gushed about her, and occasionally other characters, to Rex, and constantly pushed him to watch it. Rex always listened to Emmet’s gushing and supported his love for the character, but for the longest time, he didn’t get around to watching it. He was in a terrible mental place at the time; he engaged in risky and destructive habits, he drank, he smoked, he self-harmed, he got in trouble with the law, and developed other unhealthy coping mechanisms for his insecurities and mental issues. He was a troubled soul who was paranoid that their mutual circle of friends hated him and that he’d never be good enough for anyone. He distanced himself from everyone he loved��even his dear brother Emmet, with whom he had always been joined at the hip before. It was only when he got involved in a reckless motorcycle accident after an argument with Emmet that Rex realized just how much danger he was putting himself in, and how much he was worrying his brother. After that, he vowed to better himself and get some help. He also moved in with Emmet as his insistence, saying he wouldn’t worry as much and that he could help Rex get on track. That turned out to work like a charm, and he was happier than he’d been in a long time ever since.

           It was only then that he was finally able to watch an episode of his brother’s favorite show with him. He didn’t know exactly what he was expecting from the cartoon, but it certainly surpassed whatever those expectations were. Rex was surprised that Light in the Darkness contained more adult-oriented humor, as Emmet typically didn’t watch those kinds of shows. And he also understood why Emmet loved Light so much—she was a goofy, funny, charming, kind, and humble hero who knew what it was like to feel like a nobody or that you’d never be good enough. It also happened to be an episode in which Light tried to talk to and reform one of the main villains, and she gave a clumsy but convincing speech about how she could relate to the villains struggles, but wished he would handle them in a way that benefited both parties. Rex didn’t want to admit it, but that damn speech pulled at his heartstrings. And by the end of the episode, Rex found himself smitten with Light as well. At first he tried to hide his feelings from Emmet, thinking he would be angry with him for encroaching on his selfship. But Emmet did find out eventually—and he was ecstatic. He was beyond happy to share her with his brother, as that meant they could gush about her to each other more often, and soon the brothers agreed that Light had enough room in her heart for the both of them. After coming to that conclusion, they created their own self-shipping sideblog that they co-modded together.

           Now Emmet wasn’t exactly the creative type, and sometimes he was jealous of all the great artists and writers within the community, but he did enjoy remaking the three of them in Picrews and other character customization games. He also gushed about Light a lot, using lots of capitals, exclamation points, and heart emojis in said gushes. Rex, on the other hand, was beginning to dabble in photo editing, so he took a screenshot of Light and Photoshopped her into a picture of him and Emmet, among other such edits. He gushed about her too, of course, but his were more straightforward and consistent to whatever specific quality of hers he was talking about, with less weird emojis.

           Neither of them told anybody in their respective workplaces about their love. Emmet tried way too hard to fit in and was already seen as weird despite that; he didn’t want to add onto that as a grown man who was hopelessly in love with a cartoon character. Meanwhile Rex didn’t give a damn about fitting in or what his coworkers thought of him, he just wasn’t the type to open up to people he didn’t know well enough. However, their mutual circle of friends knew very well about their selfships with Light, and they all shipped them. Their best friend Lucy had even created a few artworks of the three of them, which they both proudly displayed on their blog (with proper credit, of course). They had been doing this for almost a year, and at this point they were perfectly content opting out dating real people in favor of shipping themselves with a fictional character.

           “It’s a new episode!!” Emmet squealed, plopping onto the couch and kicking his feet excitedly. “I can’t wait to see what she does today!”

           “You think she’s finally gonna give Lord Beelzebub what’s coming to him?” Rex asked.

           “I hope so! Now that guy is a real jerk.” Emmet puffed his cheeks out. This particular villain was beyond hope of reformation—Light tried, multiple times, but it was clear that he wouldn’t be happy until his evil deeds were done. Emmet pouted very briefly over this fact before perking up to sing and shimmy in his seat to the theme song. Rex chuckled at how excitable his brother could be. He kept his mouth shut after that, as Emmet hated when people tried to talk over his show.

           The episode started out with Light hanging out with some of her monster friends and being her usual dorky self, but that only lasted a couple minutes before she was alerted of some other villain’s plan. The scene then transitioned to a dramatic montage of Light putting on cool-looking armor, then panning from her toes to her head as she heroically posed in the armor.

           “Wow…” Emmet swooned. Rex gave a low whistle.

           She only stood like that for a few brief seconds before random pieces of the armor suddenly fell off and clattered to the ground, much to Light’s dismay. “Aw damnit, no! Get back here!” Light complained as she crouched to pick up the fallen pieces. This elicited a giggle from Emmet and a chuckle from Rex. “Dork…” Rex lovingly muttered.

           By the next scene, she has duct tape all over her armor, making the brothers laugh again. She and her monster friends were devising a plan of attack when Emmet’s phone buzzed. “Shush,” he said, keeping his eyes glued to the screen. He was mesmerized as Light led her friends into battle, but before they could see just who they were up against…

           “Gahh, commercials,” Rex groaned, muting the TV. “This is why watching things online is so much better.”

           “Yeah, but this is a new episode, we gotta catch it as it airs and support the creators!” Emmet argued.

           “Yeah okay. Aren’t you gonna answer that text message?”

           “I suppose I could since it’s a commercial break.” Emmet reached into his jeans pocket. “But whoever it was should no better than to bother me during my show!” He pouted as he checked his phone. “Oh, it’s Lucy…” He opened the message, and a mere second went by before Emmet cracked up laughing.

           “Must’ve been a good one,” Rex chuckled.

           “Oh my gosh, Rex, look at this!” Emmet laughed, shoving the phone in Rex’s face. It turned out Lucy sent a meme that read “when you storm a dragon’s cave and discover it’s hoarding mac and cheese” with a redraw of Light in the “it’s free real estate” meme. People who weren’t fans of the show wouldn’t understand the meme, but it made Rex burst into raucous laughter.

           “Oh my god!” he roared. “She would totally say that!”

           “She would!” Emmet giggled. “That’s amazing.”

           “Our datefriend is high-key a dork,” Rex laughed. That statement sent Emmet into another fit of giggles.

           “She’s our dork though.”

           “Hell yeah.”

           “I just wish I knew her real name in full.”

           Rex sat up, surprised. “What do you mean, ‘in full’?”

           “Well, remember in Clash of the Chimeras when she was signing the form thing for that order? She could only write the letter K before she got interrupted by the gremlin breaking things in the other room. So that means her real name must start with a K, and we don’t know anything else about it.”

           Rex nodded. “And you would rather call her that because…?”

           “Because it would help me feel closer to her.” Emmet held his plush a little tighter.

           “Well, you could always give her a headcanon name. or just call her K until her real name is fully revealed, if that ever happens.”

           Emmet pondered this for a moment. “I suppose that could work.” Suddenly, he perked up. “Oh! It’s back on!” He hurriedly un-muted the TV and his eyes were glued to the screen once more.

           Soon enough, Light and her friends were battling the villain, and at some point, her left gauntlet fell off. Emmet gasped as the villain used this opportunity to slash his claw across her arm.

           “Oh no…” Emmet whimpered. Rex lightly traced his own scar on his shoulder from his motorcycle accident. The two were at the edge of their seats until the end of the fight scene—the villain was defeated, but Light was still bleeding. Her worried friends crowded around her, but she still seemed in high spirits.

           “Guys, I’m fine!” she insisted.

           “You’re bleeding,” a friend argued.

“Just out of my arm. I’ve bled from far worse places.”

Emmet made a choked-out noise in surprise.

“Oh my god,” Rex laughed.

Still, Light let her monster friends bandage her up. Luckily, there were plenty more laughs to be had by the end of the episode. As the credits rolled, Emmet kicked his feet excitedly again.

“Ahh, that was so awesome!”

“As it always is.”

“Poor Light though. She doesn’t deserve any nasty scars.”

“No, she doesn’t,” Rex agreed. “But it won’t get her down. Knowing her, she’ll probably be proudly toting it and bragging about her battle by the next episode.”

“Yeah, probably,” Emmet chuckled. “But if she was real, or if I lived in her world, I’d take care of every single injury she got and kiss it better!” His loving smile gradually morphed into a longing frown. “I’d give anything for that.”

Rex patted Emmet’s back. “Me too, kid. Me too.”

[vivaciousyellow]

re: furiously happy, but replace happy with --

“anxious and wanting to, but consistently failing to actually, puke so now it’s just a family of gremlins playing that really intense korean version of dodgeball in my stomach but like there’s a family feud they’re subconsciously trying to resolve by invoking amity through the sense of nostalgia this childhood game inspires and so everyone’s simultaneously passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive, weaponising words into insults and rubber balls (heh) into, well, harder balls (heh) armed with the force of momentum and you know what, it’s just a lot to deal with”

dear victoria,

i have something to confess.

there’s been this small emotional, mental, psychic parasyte that’s been steadily and persistently gnawing at me, but at a pace where i can maintain the integrity of the the rest of my body whilst this thing resides in the shadows, sustained by my weakness, guilt, anxiety.

i feel like prometheus!!!!

not sure i’m doing making the best metaphorical argument here.

i’ll start from the beginning.

early last month, this solicitor from softbank, an atm/verizon/internet service provider type, rang my doorbell. i readily opened the door. i don’t know why. i could have easily just not. my guard’s been let down, living here. that healthy bit of Chicago suburbia paranoia has basically vanished.

mostly.

i mean i still look behind my shoulders for ghostly nightmares, but otherwise, real live human beings don’t seem so scary anymore. everyone’s so kind and patient and understanding to this stupid gaijin. just that, any idea of any sort of interaction between me and them makes me shit my pants sometimes all the time. the sentence structure thereof suggesting that perhaps i am not a real live human being. has the imposter syndrome gotten that bad?

but anyway, so like. i opened the door. short paragraphs of japanese landed superb uppercuts into my soft winter belly. something about my current internet service. something about slower internet speed. something about me nodding yes in puzzled agreement because i seek to be constantly agreeable, relatable, and “no” is a syllable my tongue gets stuck on. something about can i come in? i said yes again? something like he thought he should ask, me being a single lady living alone. i do remember specifically using my pshhh-nawwww-u-gud-bruh laugh in response.

he had such an amiable, jaunty air about him. what a damn good salesman. or am i just that weak against any little bit of nice, smiley one-on-one communication?

fuck.

i’m pretty sure i mildly disassociated as he was talking. he was explaining how softbank was better, and how the transition between jcom and softbank would be seamless. he even asked if i would like him to call jcom on my behalf to tell them i was switching services.

wait you know what. i think it was only around this time when i realised he was a salesman. the original narrative i had, i guess, just immediately imagined was that jcom was getting absorbed into softbank and he was here to tell me about the company-wide Big Change that had just happened and that softbank was now just taking inventory of jcom customers.

am i just that slow creative and imaginative?

but, at this point, i felt like i had already ventured so deep into this interaction that i couldn’t get out. more so, i was so overwhelmed by the torrent of chumminess he was directing at me. like his affability was a weapon. wait, actually, combining the former water-inspired metaphor with the latter simile, i was like an evil witch of the east meeting her demise at the hands of a young japanese male dorothy, who was splashing lethal niceness onto my defenseless body.

i had completely written myself off as having become the newest victim to this brilliant corporate strategy of exposing mostly socially anxious, always afraid, and recently depressed potential customers to friendly, conversational, energetic salesmen. suddenly i was calling their regional hq or something to confirm my personal information. and then suddenly i was saving his number into my phone. all the while, making light conversation about my unusual, very not legit phone number (another headache), my early bird sleeping patterns, his opposite night owl lifestyle. to make the - unprompted! (really putting myself out there you know) - explanation for said early-bird-ness, i made the bold assertion in embarrassingly broken japanese that i ran every morning. he left with the promise of calling me again to set up more details.

after he left, i immediately panicked.

first, wowowowoowowowow i sustained a prolonged conversation in japanese! in which i spoke about 5% of the time. but still! he asked me questions and i answered! audibly! and we laughed over the realisation that i probably had a lot i didn’t understand. but he understood that i didn’t understand and even said aloud for me what i was thinking -- is it that feeling of ‘you don’t even know what you don’t know?’

eye contact.

mutual wry chuckle.

second, in replaying the interaction a dozen times in five seconds, i began to panic specifically about needing to run everyday now to make up for this oral contract i made to him that i have been and will continue to run. wow, i should do that too, so healthy!

then, it finally hit me what just happened, as i stared at the copy of the contract he gave me. the absurdity of it all, including my reaction, is still hitting me.

i could have just said no.

or just give one of those small, apologetic smiles while shaking my head “no” and closing the door.

or just not answer the door in the first place.

instead, it’s been a month. he’s called five times personally. they’ve called four times from the company phone. softbank has stuffed my mailbox three times with thick letters labelled “important.” someone came personally to my door this past saturday morning. and he came personally again tonight. and i’m sad this didn’t perfectly follow a neat 5-4-3-2-1 pattern.

in return, i’ve let the phone go to my non-existent voicemail seven times. i’ve outright rejected two of those calls. i’ve had three anxiety attacks. and of course, i now never answer the door.

there’s this incredible guilt. you know, cuz he was so nice! he spent so much time and energy coming to my door, explaining things to me. and i gave him a false hope, an empty promise. i played him, going so far as to demonstrate how i successfully saved his phone number. then it was resentment at how unreceptive they were being to my diligent, patient, faithful, very clearly very rude ghosting. i’ve very quickly made this very small circle back to guilt.

hm hold on.

if there are only two points, can it even be called a circle? 

but circles don’t even have points so.

#thirdgradegeometry:)))))))))))))))))))

i’ve been only just barely surviving the cringe attacks from flashbacks of all the interactions i have with classmates and professors at school. each conversation, however brief, protracted, intimate, and/or engaged indiscriminately torments me like a schoolyard bully who comes in an inclusive variety of shapes and sizes whose lunch money equivalent is emotional labour. for myself.

and i’ve been really trying to snap myself out of my march-april depressive funk. and i really feel like i’ve been mentally doing that butt wriggle you do at the start line of a track meet when you’re readying yourself to make that dash into productivity, positivity, and...pretty good vibes? (i’m a serf in the great fiefdom of literary devices that is alliteration). i downloaded furiously happy by jenny lawson. because i’m so in love with the idea of overcoming those emotional pitfalls if not just out of sheer spite - and also with her authorial voice. it’s hilarious. and i’m halfway through! but while i’m trying so hard to pretend, each time i fail to assert myself to softbank and finally let them go, becomes an unfixable dent in my “pretend you’re okay!” facade. and i don’t know how to be okay with that.

and so, i don’t know how to even begin imagining me answering their calls without hyperventilating.

but he was literally waiting outside my apartment complex today so i’m not sure if i’m ever gonna leave my room again. if my professors ask, i’ll just chalk it up to 2 kool 4 skool. just another arrogant american with questionable work ethic?

i’m thinking i’ll write a card rejecting their advances. and then if i see a softbank salesmen, i’ll chuck the letter at them and run in the other direction.

and i’ll even end it with

much love,

ying