#wow cant believe i wrote that on mobile

[why-rock-look-tasty-if-no-eat]

Silly Game Time: Mothman and the Jersey Devil are about to fight (because JD called Bigfoot a bitch, and--in case you weren't aware--Bigfoot is MM's boyfriend ... they've actually gotten pretty serious, it's kinda sweet). AND YOU'VE GOT $5 TO BET ON WHO'LL WIN! SO PLACE YOUR WAGER!

Ooo, this is a tough one! MM has the motivation to start and end the fight as well as humanoid arms and legs. JD however has horns and the body (and strength) of a horse. That doesn't mean that the bf BF won't make a tool for MM to use against JD to.

They both have equalish skills in flight (MM I believe would have a slight advantage on the count of having smaller and more streamlined bodymass) however JD would definitely have the advantage on the ground. JD would theoretically be a chunkier flier while MM is said to be fast and graceful, however if we're going to compare them to bats (JD) and owls (MM) then MM would essentially be a glass cannon. One kick, ramming, or bite from JD to MM's wings and MM would have to land as bird bones, even at MM's size, wouldn't be strong enough to survive a kick from a horse.

However, that's where the speed and energy usage comes into play. MM, being a creature similar to birds, would naturally have the metabolism that would allow from prolonged flight times at varying altitudes and speeds. JD (ignoring the whole demon magic thing) would have that disadvantage of having to use a lot of energy for sustained aerial combat with an opponent more faster and agile.

JD would have the best bet of getting in one good hit, but if MM also has a similar endocrine system then they would be able to produce adrenaline. Humans can lift tones of weight under the right circumstances (highly not suggested if you like your muscles attached to your bones but if you're in a situation like that then lift that car above your head like you're Travis Scott at a concert) but MM would have an even more exaggerated reaction to adrenaline.

With a creature built for flight I wouldn't doubt that MM is stronger than a human on principle alone. Also, I think I'm getting a bit to much into this and I have bias from writing Mothman so I'll go with Mothman winning 😁

[sydmarch]

OK I hope my readmore on mobile works. SPOILERS FOR INFINITY PIOL OBVIOUSLY these are just my post initial watch word vomit thoughts.

OK SO FIRST off god the arsthetic. obsessed. he has such an eye for framing. definitely felt extremely similar vibes to possessor with all the saturated blues & the cameras flipping upside down & the doubling scene. definitely similar vibes to the Vos possession scene. & huge similarities with the sex scenes too but that sex scene was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE???

& god there's nothing like those moments where you get to be like I FUCKING KNEW IT!! he didn't lose his passport. the execution was from the doubles perspective this time around. he was never really one of them. it was a double not the detective under the sheet. kind of insane that it never came up that he couldn't afford more doubling on his own I was SO expecting at some point for it to come up that without em he couldn't afford it.

the fucking. commodification of violence. what are you willing to be complicit in if you can convince yourself what your hands are clean. the identity and personhood. how DO you know its the right one. like was the James who lived ti the end even the original James? it's possible that the dog was the original. he didn't know they had made a other double. they could've been switched out anytime.

& the way that all the "zombies" were so just. NORMAL at the end. compartmentalized everything. like their vacation selves are another kind of double. & how James is just not able to do that ig? even in the end after killing his double he's still not like them and never was. canr move on & go back to normal. at least that's the interpretation I came away with on an initial watch. I'll definitely jave to watch it more times to REALLY dig into it like with all of Brandon's stuff there's sooooo much going on its hard to get it all on one go.

& ok two small things that were just CRAZY to me. the scene w the pee splashing on the ground and then the cum on the ground. BONKERS!! & that fucking weird thing with the nipple during the hallucination coming back around with the bloody breastfeeding near the end. INSANE!!!

& probably a topic I'll dive into more another time but god I am thinking so much about the similarities between Syd & Vos & James. the way Brandon's protagonist are all these like. perpetual outsiders. these people who are just like INCAPABLE of being on the inside maybe not from the start in every case but by the end absolutely. the like. corruption arcs. all 3 of them get worse.

and on a less serious note James absolute candidate for new most pathetic man on earth. Jesus christ. even though I knew what was coming when she was like bring out the dog. Jesus fucking christ.

absolutely have to go see it again. one of the movies of all time. you crazy boatyard LOL I MEANT CRAZY BASTARD rereading whatbi wrote on the train without my glasses on god. you've done it again. my god I can't believe the scene where we we're watching the whole group getting executed and it pans over and we see them in the audience people in the theater were LAUGHING? one thing I think I learned from seeing crimes of the future in theaters 4 or was it 5 times. is that people are uncomfortable with their discomfort. because there was NOTHING funny about that scene it was fucking HARROWING!! that they could witness somwthing like that as if it was like. dinner theater.

the choice to open that scene on the doubles chatting & being dragged out as if they were the originals was just brilliant BRILLIANT GENIUS I CANT GET OVER IT like showing us what it's like from the other side which it seems like they just so easily dismiss. to the doubles it IS like they're the originals just being dragged to their deaths. so fucking crazy one of the best scenes absolutely.

ok I thibk that's all I've got for the moment but god. wow.

[misqnon]

u gotta try harder /j

I WASNT ON TUMBLR MUCH TIL LIKE.. A YEAR AGO... SO I HAD NO IDEA .... that is extremely funny. thank u

theyre in a 3 way qpr with luffy as the center

THAT ZORO IMAGE IS SO FUNYN AHFHSJD

"i like to imagine he speaks with the emojis like you typed them. (“how are you saying that out loud-”)" NAHDIAHE hes magic thats how

i have a big crush on ace too but TRACE HEATFIST.... something abt him.... idk he just hits the spot for me. i love big brother characters n characters that r good with kids.. ace fills that spot.. and then u add his silly smoothness in the 4kids dub and its like wow. u are Perfect.

STEAL THEM!! i have . a pinterest board of . meme image. silly meme image. (is pinterest something ppl still use... i only started using it a few years ago)

NO A CUP MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE... I think u were rightm.

THATS SO FUNNY... see i never thought dragons were real but i DID believe . that unicorns were real for quite a while (i never liked to admit it). honestly i didnt consume much dragon content but i did like to just. think abt them . i had this mobile game i liked playing that was just a choose ur own adventure type story . but ur a dragon. never played spyro (and didnt even know about it til i was like... 12) but it seems rly fun and i would love to play the remaster,, purple dragon ily. i cant believe ur the kind of kid who could beat games... i was so stupid as a kid i didnt even know how to play animal crossing city folk correctly .... YOU ALSO??? FLIGHT RISING???? i joined in uhh 2019? i think? i found out abt it in like 2016 but forgot and then tried to join in 2018 but it wasnt accepting new users.. and then yeah. 2019. so ive been on and off a lot but i LOVE flight rising. i love my dragons. even tho theyre mostly un-gened 1st generation dragons..

sanji is . arguably the most human of all the straw hats.. which is interesting bc he is also the only one who was supposed to be inhuman. ofc i think theyre all very human but sanji has the most moments where i can relate to him. the sanuso fic i was reading yesterday... he was so full of shame... and they wrote him hiding behind his hair.. and i felt so intensely SEEN by that. like oh my god he is ME i do all these things.. i find that my comfort characters are usually... ones who suffer a lot. i love suffering. in media.

SHREK SCREENSHOT..

"I WANT TO PUT THE SANJI FEEDING MICE AND THE CREW IS CONFUSED SCENE IN A FIC SO BAD BUT I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK ATM 😭" i will write it for u

"sanji vs. minnie mouse his hardest battle yet" oh my god........ ur mind...... wow...... genius...... crackship time (have u seen . oh wait ur not into jjk.. ok have u seen frollo x goofy... its insane...)

BEING MAD ABOUT SIMPING FOR SANJI IS SO REAL.. please dont be attractive please stop please... please . IVE SEEN THAT OUTFIT and every time i get ANGRY (not for real but y'know.) because he looks SO GOOD and i dont like to admit that.. i hate to admit that. UR RIGHT that outfit is extremely gay like wtf is going on with that tie???? or whatever it is? around his neck??? this is like gay men wearing scarves

"have u seen that post where its drawings of each of the strawhat “rescue teams” of arlong park, enies lobby, and whole cake?" I SAW THAT A FEW HOURS AGO AHDHSH

"law 1: edgy. flipping u off. deranged. a bit evil looking. kinda hot" i see u...

i love law so much he is so antagonizing and then . the contrast.. when he is stupid or cute. its wonderful.

"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏

ZORO LOOKS LIKE A DOG AHEJDHA WHAT IS THAT

USOPP?? USOPP?????? HES THE MEME IMAGE ...

CHOOPA MY GUY.. he looks so silly as a full deer i wish he did that more often

this is blue period but im running out of funny images i have saved ...

dw abt taking a bit to reply!! i am patient /gen

IM TRYING MY BEST 

sharing my veteran knowledge

3 WAY QPR IS PERFECT 

trace heatfist the magic man. skeazy magician and fuckboy

ace is VERY likeable idk a single person who doesnt like him. even my non one piece friend likes him but i think shes weak to his freckles

i trade memes like pokemon cards. i look forward to this symbiotic relationship

arent unicorns the national animal of scotland…(or ireland maybe…) THAT WOULD MAKE ME THINK THEYRE REAL

I COULD ONLY BEAT SOME GAMES a lot i didnt but usually bc i got out of the rhythm of playing them and left them unfinished. when i was younger i made my older brother play the hard parts for me a lot LMAO. ALSO DO YOU WANT MY FLIGHT RISING DRAGONS. IDK WHAT TO DO WITH THEM ALL MAN I DONT PLAY ANYMORE

i love that sanji is arguably the most emotional of the group (aside from franky or chopper, but for them its just played for laughs) and that overemotional/low self esteem part is exactly what makes him so relatable. i actually really appreciate that oda gave that trait to a male character. sanji cries a lot and is overemotional and kind of hysteric sometimes jdvbvfjdk so im glad they didnt make it like nami or robin who was like that stereotype. GOD I REALLY CONVERTED U TO SANJI TOWN DIDNT I. SORRY WE’RE ALL HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AND PROJECT ONTO THE WEIRDO

*FROLLO X GOOFY????* 

I HATE ADMITTING THAT I THINK HE’S HOT BC HE DOESNT DESERVE IT. BUT I DO. I THINK SANJI IS HOT. I DO. UNFORTUNATELY. in that maroon wano suit…ODA WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THAT!!!!!!!

and yes law too…listen. i have a big heart, ready to love, [possessed by sanji]

the little scarf/ascot is the gayest part 

“"HE ALSO LOOKS SO SO PATHETIC 😭 SOPPING WET CAT OF A MAN" i LOVE how pathetic he looks. i like pathetic people so much.. like why are u like that.. making me pity u.. only in media tho never in real life 🙏🙏” exactly…PATHETIC FICTIONAL MEN GO HARD

I LOVE THE DOG ZORO SCREENSHOT HE LOOKS LIKE HES GONNA BITE SOMEBODY

AND USOPP KDSJNKJ I USE THAT ONE SO MUCH

i agree i like almost all of chopper’s other forms better than when hes a little baby 😭

IS THAT MAKIMA NSCKJAS???

also u are free to keep sending me e-letters but if you want to just message on discord that is also fine. as i said. message me whenever 🫡

lets see what we have for 2day...

[lilyvines]

Hey VV! Do you have any actual samples of your writing? I'd love to read it if you do!

the only thing ive ever actually written and published to ao3 is a miraculous ladybug fic like. a year ago agfhjsk and i've never actually properly written anything for dsmp but sometimes i like writing out snippets of things so here:

this is for an au i liked the idea of and wrote a couple things for, but here's a benchtrio dialogue bit that i think was kinda funny (please ignore the poor formatting and also the fact that who is speaking is super hard to figure out. it goes tommy ranboo tubbo ranboo and then just repeats that pattern i just didnt feel like adding dialogue tags)

and here's a separate thing i did for a different au that im probably never gonna think about again mostly because the idea was kinda messy and im too lazy to figure it out

yeah here ya go! there is a reason the url is vvCANTwrite lmao i mostly stick to making au ideas and nothing much else

[almondmisery]

Well, if you insist! :)

I'll be sticking to the Parisian sewers here, for relevance's sake if nothing else. TLDR at the end because this is long haha.

The period from 476-1800CE has been called in at least one article the "sanitary dark ages", which is quite foreboding. It was during this time that very little progress was made on the management or treatment of wastewater. In Paris, wastewater was not managed until 1530, when every house was required to be connected to a cesspool. Between then and around 1832, the Paris sewers continued to develop from being mainly uncovered to covered. It was Henry Charles Emmery who was credited with improving the sewers by moving the flow of water from the streets to underground in 1832 (as mentioned above. I say credited with because of course I do not think he worked alone, haha. He just led the charge, etc etc.)

Most improvements to the sewers happened starting in 1853 when Napoleon III appointed Georges-Eugene Haussman as prefect of the Seine, and with the assistance of lead engineer Eugene Belgrand, the sewers were cleaned up and improved immensely. Part of the problem with the sewers was that they were not able to handle the volume of water that they needed to. Under Haussman and Belgrand, this was remedied. The sewers were also cleaned using more refined methods than ever had been used before.

Felix Nadar took pictures of the newer cleaner sewers in 1861. This guy was actually a pretty interesting photographer who did other things (such as photograph the Paris catacombs and take photographs from an air balloon), which you can read about here!

Interestingly, Haussman absolutely did not want wastewater to go into his sewers, instead wishing for people to continue to rely on cesspits while the sewers were used for stormwater alone. Part of this was because of the fear that the waste would be of less use as fertilizer if it was mixed with stormwater which might dilute it. Human waste ended up being put into the sewers anyway, which became an issue because the sewers were not designed to carry waste. The sewers, expected to only carry stormwater, emptied right into the Seine at two outlets with zero filtration or treatment, which sucked. It wasn’t until the 1930s that all of Paris was linked into one sewer system.

TL;DR: Most of the big changes were made to the sewers way after the events of Les Mis, but the sewers kinda sucked for a while after that anyway, and the Seine got real gross in some areas because of design flaws (human waste being dumped directly into it! Yikes). Also, consider reading about Nadar (here's another article!)

This is all from "The Paris Sewers and the Rationalization of Urban Space" by Matthew Gandy, which I was able to access on JSTOR through my institution, but I'm not sure how else to gain such access. But if you can find it, it's an interesting read, I think!

Sketching Les Mis Chapter 5.2.4 - Unknown Details

“Are you wearing the-”

“The 1805 thigh-high Bruneseau parisian sewer expedition boots? yes I am.”

[my-chemical-friendzone]

*warning: major angry rant below*

on mobile, cant rly hide this under anything srry. i HAVE TO rant yall. Im going to see this Sunday and if I dont let my anger out now, Ill be a mess for my friends then. I cant contain it.

I cant even BELIEVE how stupid TROS sounds. If you showed me the plot I honestly would have pegged it as terrible fanfiction. I can't even begin to understand what went through JJ's mind when he was writing this? He must've been in fear after seeing the split reaction to TLJ because there's no way this was his original plan. No way in hell. Where the fuck did Palpatine come from? This idea of Rey Palp, which I was PERFECTLY FINE WITH IF it had been revealed in the second movie and not the third? Now you have ONE movie to explain just how the fuck that all happened. You have two hours and some minutes to convinve me of an entirely new parentage plot. I mean, Rian CLEARLY stated in TLJ that she was no one and then JJ goes and dismisses that completely so he can add Palpatine (because it's not like there's already SO MANY FUCKING MOVIES with him in it) and wrap it all up in the most convoluted way possible?

What was the point of Snoke? I was OK with him dying in Ep 8 because I thought that in Ep 9 Kylo would be the big baddie and then eventually it would morph into Hux. But that wasn't the case at all. It was Palpatine all along! Like some Scooby Doo villain we had to unmask. I mean really this Palp shit came out of NOWHERE. There's ZERO indication of him in Ep 7 or 8--true--now that we know the evil presence while Ben was a fetus was him and not Snoke BUT AGAIN that's dumb as hell.

Then Rey goes on to claim in the end that SHE'S the Skywalker? MAN get the FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT NONSENSE. YOU AREN'T THE SKYWALKER. You BARELY knew you were Palpatine about a second ago LET ALONE WHO THAT BITCH EVEN WAS.

And she has the name but not the family? Is that really the belonging she seeked? There's NO SKYWALKERS LEFT TO BE THERE WITH HER. Being surrounded by the ghosts of her DEAD "family". WoW what a happy ending for Rey, she must feel ????great???? starting where she left off in a desert with no one but BB8. Oh but at least now she can cAlL herSelF a SkYwAlKeR cause that's what matters.

Dont get me started on Ben's death. There's not enough pages in a book to fill with the complaints I have about that. I mean you really gotta fuck up if REYLO BEING CANON makes me not give a single fuck. Reylo, which I defended for YEARS, wrote theories and analogies for, drew for, researched SW for--doesn't get me excited.

Stupid. I can't believe I waited years and put my time into some bullshit.

[lupexm-blog]

𝓌𝑜𝓁𝒻 𝒶𝓅𝓅 (adopted, beta) ( Selena Gomez. Female, she/her, unbreakable + fireflight. ) that's LUPE MENDOZA hanging in that gang of friends? i heard they’re a part of the LICHEN pack. rumor has it they're twenty five years old. currently, they’re posing as a CRIMINOLOGY STUDENT at NYU, and during dark you can always find them going home to THE BRONX by PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. (Blue, 23, she/her, est)”

- 3 apps later and i’m here! hi im blue and this is my first time in a supernatural rp but im super excited. i wrote Lu’s bio down below. If anyone from the pack has any ideas to change it up or something let me know through im and i’ll be happy to change it. i wrote this while watching legacies and refreshing my tvd knowledge and wow i cant dsfkjhdskfh i love that series! but read below, sorry it’s so long! i’ll be on mobile for the rest of the night, so i’m here for ims!

Lupe Mendoza was born with the name Guadalupe Estrella, her family nicknamed her G and she was born into a catholic household, hence her name. she grew up normal up until she was 12 years old. her entire family were on a camping retreat, something they used to do often. Lupe and her cousins were playing hide and go seek. At this age she was attached to the hip to her cousin Javier. The two of them ran off so far that they got lost, this left Lupe alone, scared and angry. She followed her cousin and trusted him. Her 12 year old self couldn’t handle the rage that was inside her and she pushed her cousin over a hill. In horror she watched her cousin roll down the hill over rocks before finally getting pierced through with a branch that was laying about. She couldn’t move for what felt like years until her body automatically worked on it’s own, climbing down, pulling her cousin off and onto the ground where she sat next to the body for what felt like hours. She felt like more hours passed by and knew her family would be looking for her. it wasn’t until she heard a snap of a branch that she looked up and spotted a wolf staring at her. Lupe was frozen and stuck and if it wasn’t for a flashlight being pointed towards herself, she would have never noticed the wolf was gone the next second. 

The rest of the camping trip didn’t end up becoming a happy ending like it usually would. Her family felt cold towards her and she caught whispers in their native tongue talking about how she was really different, some blaming witchcraft for the whole thing. The final memories she had of that night was her mom laying with her, whispering a prayer as she fell asleep. 

In the next hours that followed, Lupe woke up alone in the middle of the woods with no one else except her mom. Her mom, or who she thought was her mom told her the truth, how Lupe was found on the side of the road by their house and they thought of it as a blessing but it was really a curse. Lupe noticed a knife in her hand, but she couldn’t believe that someone she thought was her mom would try to hurt her, though that was denied when her mother said she would do what she should’ve done when Lupe was born. As the woman lunged at her, there was the wolf from earlier than lunged at the woman. Lupe screamed once, and then the rest of her screams were silent. Mouth open with nothing coming out, and eyes wide. After shock, she got up on her feet and ran off, once again being deep into the woods. 

Lupe kept running and hiding in the woods for days until she found a house on what felt like the other side of the world. There she stayed for a few months before being put into the foster care system, from there she stayed mute for the time she was there, constantly breaking out and breaking in, never getting caught by the people she lived with. It was only a year that she got to know herself, reading up on lore and coming to terms with herself over who she is and what she did. She has regrets to this day about what happened to her cousin, and it’s a pain she feels she can never let go off. During full moons, she somehow always seemed to manage to hide it from everyone and was surprised that there was a family out there that did know who - what she was. 

From 13 and on, she came to know about what really lies underneath the streets of New York. She was able to learn about herself even more and feel like she was more accepted. She didn’t start talking until she was 14, when the adoption was finalized and she changed her name legally. Lupe Mendoza. Her first name felt ironic since it was still a part of her original name, except it was the only part of her that she felt really defined her since the latin name for wolf is Canis Lupis.

Lupe grew up not with a family, but with a pack. She grew protective of everyone within her pack just because of the betrayal and loss she’s felt before. Lupe doesn’t know who her blood relatives really are but she doesn’t think about it too much. She think about the present and the future and strays away from the past. She grew to love school since it was something she used to hate before but she loved all that information she could absorb.  

Lupe did her best to prove she was a part of the pack, always trained, always worked hard that she snagged the role of being the Beta in the pack, and it’s the farthest she’ll ever go, feeling she’s in a position of power where she can change things, but she’s not 100% in charge.

She loves reading at night when the moon is bright, she does her best studying at night too, but that’s just out of habit. She grew to love crime shows and when she connected the two to how it would benefit her and the weird life she was born into. 

Lupe likes to keep to herself unless you’re within her pack or somehow gotten close to her. She knows how to act like the girl with a smile and the many best friends, but in truth she’s closed off. She lives on her own, in an apartment in the Bronx. She loves reading HP Lovecraft and Stephen King on her free time!

uhm, PLOTS ??

i’ll honestly go for anything angsty. I can out angst you. WATCH.ME!!

but yeah, any of these come to mind!

Forbidden friends -> they’re the unlikely friends, two different species where no one would ever thought they could be friends@

Forbidden crush/lovers -> the title says it all, but this would be super angsty like bonnie and enzo !

Best friend -> where they know everything and anythign about each other, and are ride or dies for one another. 

Enemies -> considering what Lupe is, this is bound to happen

Frenemies -> one where they just tolerate each other

AND ETC, im me if these don’t work out, we can always brainstorm :)

[wiihtigo]

How would u rank the jojo parts that u read :0

Hmmmm ok lets go on a 1 to 10 scale Phantom blood: like.........7 and a half?! I rlly rlly rlly enjoyed jonathan and dio growing up and i LOVE jonathan and also erina speedwagon and zeppeli! But some of it WAS kind of like. I was forcing myself to keep reading...maybe its better in the anime tho bcuz i just cant read!! I plan to watch the animes ....uh..one day. Maybe ill do it w a friend to drag them into jojo hell with me.Battle Tendency: LIKE 8 OR 9.....I RLLY LOVE JOSEPH. LIKE A LOT..and it introduced so many great characters! Like ceaser lisa lisa the pillar men!! Watching ceaser and joseph train and fight together was sooo fun. Also theyre like. In love? Yeah. Joseph rlly fucked around too hard and got engaged to two whole men. Not including ceaser. Anyways bt was rrlly good and joseph is iconicWtf was part 3 again uhhhhhhOH YEAH IT WAS Stardust crusaders !! Like??? IDK.....9 outta 10?? I LOOVED this roadtrip story..boys night out. Also part 3 joseph...thank u god. This part had so many great characters like a LOT and thr stand battles were rlly fun and thrilling . Also DIO WAS BROUGHT BACK! His bimbofication is complete. I rlly enjoyed seeing him go absolutely apeshit and i was likewow at least hes having fun :) anyways this was a rlly great part i loved all the characters... jotaro was a great protagonist he be like yare yare i fucking hate you old manPart 4 was diu right ok yeah it was Diamond is unbreakable!! 10/10 babey i literally enjoyed every minute reading this i loved all the characters and i LOVE josuke...also we get to see jotaro again! But hes older and a marine biologist now. I loooove like. Murder mystery stories in small towns . Like idk how to explain this genre but yknow what i mean??!!! Kira was such a cool antagonist and killer queen rlly knew how to fuck shit up ... i could write a lot more but im on mobile and i hate typing on my phone. So im moving on.Vento aureo ...anotha 10/10 im sorrey. Im sowy ITS SO GOOD I love giorno and the whole passione gang and TRISH WAS SO GOOD and i loved all the stand fights they alwayshad me on the EDGE of my damn SEAT . I love like. Found family within illegal mafia gangs v__v they love eachother...i also love la squadra and the boss ..it made me like. Cry. But in a good way yknow like when u out down a good book after finishing it anf go That Was. A Really Good Book. Anf then ur thinking about jt months later still. Its like thatStone ocean is that the next one i..i think so. AnywyasLike. 9/10? 9 and a half?! What can i say i rlly enjoyed like. All of these parts. Its all so good. Jolyne!!! First female jojo!! And shes so cool!!!!! Shes in jail and suddenly she. Can turninto string cheese and she hates her dad whos also JOTARO and she has cool friends such as hermes who can put stickers w cute lil hearts on em on u. And foo fighters who stays hydrated and is plankton and emporio is who justa little boy someone pls help him Pucci was a GREAT antagonist like so good so good . And the flashbacks with him and dio were like...thank u for thjs meal. It was so strange to see DIO of all people .. feel affection for another person?! To care abt his well being and how he thought of him?! Can u imagine dio saying some shit like "i was afraid because i didnt want to lose you " I CANT! Until i saw him and pucci ! I cant believe a priest and a vampire Thot fell in love. Also weather and anasui were there but i think i wrote enough but just know i love them both and again. Stan jolyne kujo . oh and its not 10/10 fully bcuz tbe ending made me cry like. A BITCH . Next is STEEL BALL RUN !! YEEHAWBoy of u know me you know i love me some cowboys!!!!!!! Like 9/10 as well bcuz the ending mademe cry AGAIN why does jojo keep doing this to me i hate it!!! Anyways johnny was so good and so was gyro like wow i love gay cowboys....i loved johnny a lot bcuz hes kinda?? Bitchy?? Hes kknd of a brat. But hes also...a niceboy. It was rlly good having a disabled protagonist and jt like..didnt make him a hindrance at all? He could still v wrll protect himself and gyro...his inability to walk didnt drag anyone down . I love that abt him...i love his and gyros relationship a lot. I also loved lucy steel!! Soundman couldve been done better but what r u gonna do. I havent started jojolion or whatever its called yet bcuz im still healing from sbr pain.

[brandnewdress]

rep room story

Some of you have asked for this, but I’m writing it mostly for my self while it’s still relatively fresh in my mind so I’m putting it under the cut in case you don’t want to see (and i get that ;) ) also... sorry if you’re on mobile... it did get a little long... ANYWAY:

I obviously always wanted to meet Taylor, I mean who wouldn’t right?! but I never ever expected it to happen to me so, while always having SOME hope that you just NEVER KNOW what might happen, I pretty much accepted that I probably never would. (But the funny thing is I read my June horoscope just in case and it said my lucky day will be June 8th....how did they know 👀👀👀)

Now flash forward to Wednesday the 6th of June, I was sitting in my room studying for my exams and eating lunch when I decided to take a break (probably after 5 minutes of work) I checked tumblr and saw that I had a new message, I thought ‘oh someone probably wants me to reblog their post, let’s see’ BUT NO it was taylornation: CONFINDENTIAL MESSAGE I couldn’t believe it?!?!! And I really do mean it when I say I locked my phone, threw it across the room and then dropped to the ground shaking like?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN TAYLOR NATION

I got my phone back and actually read the message but first I checked at least 10 times that that IS actually Taylor nation and not just someone with a very similar looking url trying to murder me. When I realised that it REALLY WAS THEM I replied to their message and pretty much immediately got a call from a New York number. I was still in shock so I don’t even think I sounded excited the Taylor nation lady (I think it was Erica) was like ‘...you okay?’ ANYWAY she told me what I need to do on the day, and asked if I wanted to bring anyone as a plus one (but I thought that it had to be someone sitting next to you so I said no, apparently it doesn’t!) I wrote all of this down on a post it note while she was speaking because I forgot pretty much the entire conversation as soon as it was done 😭

After that I couldn’t possibly do anything. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t study I just sat in my room staring into space for the rest of the day (and pretty much all of the next) so if I fail my exams I’m officially blaming Taylor 😛 I’m a really paranoid person so I couldn’t help but feel like I’d get to the box office and they’d be like ‘uhhh??? you’re not on the list FOOL go away’

Anyway I had some fun making and reblogging ‘which one of you snakes knows they’re meeting Taylor on Friday? 👀’ posts ;) on Friday I left my house at 8:30 to catch my train to Manchester it was departing from platform 13 😭😭😭 I cant even really remember what I did when I got to Manchester but suddenly it was 3:40 and I had to leave my hotel...

I got to the box office a little after 4 and then after a few minutes I got the envelope with my name on it with the rep room pass inside 😭 that’s when it hit me that THE Taylor swift wanted to meet ME?! For WHAT reason?! It said we had to wait until 5:45 and it was only a little after 4 so I sat around...waiting...still pretending (very well) that I’m not about to meet her.

NOW it was time to line up we were behind some gate or something and they put meet and greet wrist bands on our wrists (where else 🙄) and then we had to wait a little longer THEN when they opened the gate thing the rep room entrance was just THERE?!?! it was such a surreal experience the lwymmd throne, the delicate dress! It was all there!!!

And Taylor right behind the curtain 😭 I stood near the back of the queue because I just really wasn’t READY, you know... I could hear her voice and it sounded so different than what you’d expect deeper maybe?

We didn’t have much time with her so after a few minutes it was MY turn. I walked in and as soon as I did she said ‘YOU’RE SO TALL!!! OMG!!!!’ and NOTHING can prepare you for how gorgeous she is in real life I wanted to speak but I just couldn’t so I just looked at her and flailed my arms a little and she looked at me with this huge smile on her face... and then she HUGGED me real tight and she smells amazing and she’s SO warm and soft 😭

I still couldn’t find my words so I stood around for a few more seconds and I didn’t want them to kick me out so I said I LOVE YOU and she said ‘I love you too, you’re so sweet!’ hHahhahh alright Taylor that’s when I said I need to ask her an important question so I said ‘what’s your favourite song on melodrama’ and she said ‘oh...I don’t have one’ and I said ‘but you have to’ and she was like ‘no I don’t...;) you can’t have just one it’s a sonic journey’ and I know she was going to say something else but I had more questions and cut her off with ‘do you like pineapple on pizza’ and she said ‘...I actually don’t... but we don’t need to like the same pizza to get along, alright?’ 😭 and then I kept like reaching out to hug her again but I didn’t want to be weird so I asked her at least twice more if I could hug her and she said ‘OF COURSE you’re so sweet’ SHUT UP TAYLOR😭

That’s when she asked me if she can take a picture with me and I said NO 😂 and she laughed (WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SOUND) anyway she said ‘the flash is REALLY bright like REALLY BRIGHT’ and then she pulled me into another hug she literally pressed her face right up again mine which is why my glasses look like they’re about to fall off my face. Anyway the flash WAS really bright so I said ‘wow that really was bright’ and she said ‘yeah! I warned you!!!!!’ And then it was time for me to go 😩😭 so she called me sweet and cute again I hugged her AGAIN and she said ‘thank you for coming to see me!!!! See you at the show!!!!’

I LOVE HER SO MUCH WHAT THE FUCK!!! and the show was absolutely AMAZING she’s brilliant

Anyway June 8th was officially the best day of my life (and I hope none of you read all of this because 😬) Taylor REALLY is trying her best to meet as many of us as possible

[dailytechnologynews]

GloFo 7nm: A Lost Hope

So as you may know GloFo 7nm was recently cancelled, in this article im going to analyze all of what this implies in a lot of levels but mostly on the technical one, both in short and long term

before beginning please have in mind:

1) im Spanish and my english writing might be poor, also this is by far the longest article ive ever wrote and it took me 2 and a half Hours to complete, there can be mistakes but don't be harsh pls

2) i currently own a bit of AMD stock, this means I focus on them more, but as you will see this doesn't affect my thinking

3) i link various articles in this one, i recommend you reading them for better comprehension

4) this article contains A LOT of estimates, they are based on public knowledge, if some of that knowledge turns out to be false or inaccurate the estimates based on it do the same, however they are the best that I can do, if I had more hard data I will use it. in particular, my estimates about TSMC 7nm are… weak and early, please don't complain about them, its the best I can do without more hard data

9001) WARNING: this article is LONG, the character count its literally OVER 9000!!!!

with that said lets begin

The first important question is WHY? Why did GloFo cancel their 7nm node? the answer is simple: MONEY, this quote from anandtech sums things up:

So, the key takeaway here is that while the 7LP platform was a bit behind TSMC’s CLN7FF when it comes to HVM – and GlobalFoundries has never been first to market with leading edge bulk manufacturing technologies anyway – there were no issues with the fabrication process itself. Rather there were deeper economic reasons behind the decision.

the full article is here: https://www.anandtech.com/show/13277/globalfoundries-stops-all-7nm-development

The second question is: how does GloFo 7nm compare to TSMC 7nm, because if glofo’s node was worse than TSMC's then the only loss here would be the competition, well this is absolutely not the case, GloFo 7nm was superior than TSMC 7nm, maybe by a wide margin, but this depends literally of thousands of factors, so the best that i can do is to approximate the final answer basing on all that we know first we have to know the specifics of GloFo 7nm, here is an excellent article containing them and more: https://fuse.wikichip.org/news/641/iedm-2017-globalfoundries-7nm-process-cobalt-euv/ if you read the article and understand most of it, you have my respect, but lets list the facts that we care about:

1) 55% power reduction at the same frequency

2) 40% frequency improvement at the same power

3) extremely tuned fin profiles

4) cobalt for some critical layers, improving interconnect speed and drastically reducing electromitigation, this is very important as the wall to reaching high clocks is interconnect speed

this looks extremely nice, but how does this translate into real world max clocks? Well if you assume the GloFo chart was linear then the results are very good, here is a calibration based in real data, done in the anandtech forums by /u/catmerc (thanks!): https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/next-gen-zen-2-3-starship-and-derivatives.2511914/page-3#post-39322122 you watched right: 4,6 GHz at the same power you would get 3,3 GHz on 14nm, WOW, this means that (again if the chart was linear) 5 GHz wouldn't be far fetched at all, this is probably too good and my estimations are that GloFo 7nm was a bit worse than what this chart implies, still I think 5 GHz would have been doable, but only for single core turbo, just in case: im referring to the SoC version, clocks on 7HPC would have been ludicrous

now we have to analyze how good TSMC 7nm is, this is harder to know and there is less data about this but lets do it anyway. first we have to get the advertised numbers, and those are 60% power reduction at the same frequency or 30% frequency improvement at the same power, source: https://www.anandtech.com/show/12677/TSMC-kicks-off-volume-production-of-7nm-chips, this is starting to look worse than GloFo from the first moment, however there is a big issue here: the bases are different, GloFo bases their 7nm numbers on their 14nm, and TSMC does it over their 16nm+ this makes comparison hard, I remember that TSMC 16nm clocked higher than Samsung 14nm which is the same as GloFo 14nm, but consumed a bit more and was less dense, I cant source those claims but if you look at the numbers they make sense, anyway this approach failed as a solid comparison point so lets move on, how about taking the words of their clients? Spoiler alert: worse than GloFo

Speed gains of 16% at 10 nm may dry up at 7 nm due to resistance in metal lines. Power savings will shrink from 30% at 10 nm to 10–25% at 7 nm, and area shrinks may decline from 37% at 10 nm to 20–30% at 7 nm, said Paul Penzes, a senior director of engineering on Qualcomm’s design technology team. source: https://www.eetimes.com/document.asp?doc_id=1333109

Arm claims that the latest 7-nm nodes will only deliver 2% to 3% more speed than the 16-nm node. “There hasn’t been much frequency benefit at all since 16 nm … wire speed hasn’t scaled for some time,” said Peter Greenhalgh, an Arm fellow and vice president of technology. source: https://www.eetasia.com/news/article/18060102-arm-announces-high-performance-laptop-cpu

so basically two clients of TSMC are saying that there are close to none clock gains on 7nm (compared to 10nm, this is important) and I know they mean TSMC and not GloFo because they both say the problem is interconnect speed which if you remember from above is one of the things GloFo 7nm improved a lot thanks to cobalt and other things, also GloFo is a much smaller fab, it was going to get into HVM later and most people were going to use TSMC anyway. So now we know TSMC 7nm isn't as good as GloFo 7nm was, but by how much? Well a little time ago I made a prediction of how Ryzen 3000 would clock on both nodes, I recently updated it to reflect that AMD will use the HPC variant: https://www.reddit.com/r/aceshardware/comments/923t76/ryzen_3000_clock_predictions/ so there is your answer, a not at all laughable 300 MHz loss, but I think you also want to know how did I get to that concussion, well… it is a bit tricky and fail prone also it has a 100mhz or higher margin of error, anyway here it goes: the base is Ryzen 7 1800X which turbos up to 4 GHz on GloFo 14LPP TSMC 16nm+ clocks higher than GloFo 14lpp but lower than 12LP, 4,2GHz is my best estimate, TSMC 10nm should give about 5% of a boost to max clocks (remember max clocks ALWAYS increase less than “performance” for high end CPUs) that gets us to >4,4 GHz, going from 10nm to 7nm should give a negligible boost of around 2% but this is just enough to put that number on 4,5 GHz, this is the number for the mobile variant, but as i discovered during the writing of this article, AMD is going to use the HPC variant which features a 7.5 track library instead of the 6 track one found in the mobile variant it also should use fater interconnects, finding how much will this variant boost clocks is again as there is EVEN LESS data on it, the only numbers that I could find are +13% perf over the mobile variant and up to 4,4 GHz speed for the sram(L* cache), cache usually is a bit slower than the CPU itself so this doesnt mean the limit is 4,4 GHz. with all of this my estimation for 7nm HPC is 4,7 GHz which is still lower than the GloFo 7nm SoC version, have in mind im being a bit cautious with this one 4,8 GHz is possible , just for laughs if we compared max clocks of GloFo 7nm HPC(IBM only) vs TSMC 7nm HPC the difference will be ~0,8GHz, LOL just LOL (the number is serious tough) as you can see this is tricky as is based on estimates over estimates, however there are some limits to how good or how bad it can clock, so while my number might (and possibly will) fail, it cant fail by much The third question is: who this affects and how does it? The answer is AMD, IBM, Intel, TSMC and maybe Samsung, so lets analyze how it affects everyone on that list

AMD: Negatively

after the previous paragraph you can see why: 300-200mhz loss its not good, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, even if GloFo continued with 7nm AMD might have chosen TSMC 7nm for ryzen 3000 because of time constraints, the really bad thing about this is that the clocks of TSMC nodes are expected to be flat until 3nm which will mean a tech change from finfet to gaafet, this means Intel has 3-4 years of wide and increasing clock leadership so the only way AMD can beat Intel’s performance in the desktop market is through big IPC increases, which are unlikely to be big enough,still AMD should be able to beat Intel in value (perf/price) by a very good margin, server and laptop market are a VERY different story and I expect AMD to do very well on those. another HUGE concern for AMD should be prices, with near zero competition TSMC can increase prices both on the short and the long term, similar to the DRAM market, this means either smaller margins for AMD or higher final product prices.

for those all reasons I did cut my personal stock price target for AMD by a BIG 20%, yes you heard right: the day before the announcement I thought AMD was going to reach a 25% (because percentages work that way) higher price than today, im not going to say what my exact price targets are but I believe AMD is going to go up from the current price, just much less than before

IBM: Negatively, VERY negatively

well.. this guys really take the worst part, basically they have no node suitable for their high-end CPUs for the foreseeable future, glofo spun off an ASIC group which is said to help port costumer designs to other nodes, the problem is that there is no high performance 7nm class node apart from intel 10nm (if they fix it)

Intel: Positively

a lot of what I said for AMD applies here in reverse, Intel basically has an assured performance lead in the desktop market over AMD, but still they will have to compete to a denser, cheaper to produce 7nm chip lineup with their 14nm one, their server market share is still posed to get lower maybe by a bog amount

TSMC: Positively, VERY positively

on the short term they get more volume and therefore revenue, and in a now 2-player game (3 if intel opens its fabs) they get the ability to increase or even pact prices

Samsung: Positively

Samsung on the short term will probably see no gains, but on the long term they might win some designs, however the big win for them is the lack of competency driving prices an therefore margins up

YOU, the consumer: Negatively

as per the points stated above you might get more expensive chips, and maybe even worse ones, cutting-edge node development is mindblowingly expensive and that maybe is an understatement, with less competition tsmc and samsung might opt to do less aggressive jumps to save a huge amount of money on RD, this remains to be seen, it may not happen, but the possibility is out there and I wont dismiss it

to end I would like to quote an excellent comment from /u/nagromo which summarizes perfectly some of my thoughts:

I was hopeful that IBM research working with them meant it would be more like "IBM 7nm, manufactured by GloFo", similar to how they've done well with Samsung 14nm. I still think there's a decent chance it really was on track, and they're telling the truth and just think they can be more profitable using their successful 12/14nm technologies instead of investing $10B+ into 7nm. I'm really disappointed to hear this. I thought it was a reasonable hope that the IBM research team would be able to achieve or approach their 40% performance, 55% power numbers. There's rumors about poor performance from TSMC 7nm. My hopes for Ryzen 3 aren't nearly as high as they were yesterday.

this article was originally wrote by me to /r/aceshardware

[leonbastralle]

It’s A Giant Reply Post!

Remember this theme where I look at the comments like ‘should I do a reply post?...nah I’m good for another day’ and then throughout this day I get a sudden flood of comments so in the end my reply post turns out to be a giant ass wall of text that will annoy everyone on their dash? Yeah, it’s back. It was never gone.

also tumblr has been eating comments so I hope I got them all...I might not and I’m sorry about that

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

6) i truly wanna dance with the witchy kids but im terrible

you wrote this last night so this counts towards u me night

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

5) u coward gimme that neck ;)

here u r here is a neck

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

4) in dadgraabs case its the balls that are also blue but are not Blue Balls but they still need rep

im crying why is this a thing but yes i agree

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

3) THE B BALL GAM E IS IN THE PLANS BOOK I CRY SO MUCH ILL DIE

YES U MIGHT AND YES ITS IMPORTANT SO OFC IT IS IN THE PLANS BOOK

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

2) nip town is best town

it is absolutely! also now that i have access to my Professional Library i can tell you that it was born on october 23rd and i think it partly originated from me looking at sim underwear beCAUSE IT WAS THE DAY AFTER THE CALENDAR (rip calendar probably)

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Catiiplies Vol. 21759 (I Counted)”

1) yes we are the meme legacy i cant believe this is our....... legacy

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST MADE IT TEN TIMES BETTER I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY AND YOU MADE IT A THING I H8 U

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “G: I felt the same way about Mel and Pathi at first. But let me tell...”

im living for this wholesome content

:,) glow shouldve been heir man

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “G: You’re a great sister, and she can be lucky to have you, Connie. C:...”

glow pls teach this child to lov herself

thats his goal for everyone tbh glow is just the most stupidly supportive person on sweet earth hE IS THE BEST I CRY

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: So, Glow. Any particular reason you wanted to talk to me? Is this...”

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM CRYING GLAAAADE

SHES GOOD DW shes like...not rly in lov? just idolising very extremely

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “G: *clutches chest dramatically* Oh Conifer, such harsh words! You and...”

love how close they are

me too ;_; talk about sibling goals

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Glow: Politics. It sure is strange. The twists and turns it takes....”

ALL THE EYE EMOJIS AND SCREAMING IM YELLING AND CRYING

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ME TOO i was so close to making this big but youll thank me that i didnt

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Hey guys! What are you reading about?”

this is just in the glowt3 is adorable is the news

:ooo but is that rly news

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “C: ITS THE EYE OF THE TIGER ITS THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT RISING UP TO...”

now that's in my head fuc u

I’m almost sorry

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “M: Connie! Greetings, butterfly!! How are you doing? My, you look...”

iM CRYING THIS IS SO CUTE

MEL IS THE BEST PROTECC HER

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Pretty breakfast faces on the sofa is such a Theme this gen.”

a Wholesome Theme u mean

yes that too but still v strained

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “T: Okay, but I bet I’ve been exercising more than you lately! Just...”

What style

if you mean Opal, then yes, this guy has a gr9 style

sugarsimms replied to your photoset “C: Glow?  G: Come in! The door’s open.”

This pose asdfghjkl

it was for 3 chars and I was gonna get Mel too but their sofa is too close to the wall and it wouldn’t have worked I cry ;_; but yes a good pose a great pose

sugarsimms replied to your photoset “Pretty breakfast faces on the sofa is such a Theme this gen.”

pretty faces full stop are a theme for every gen thanks.

you said full stop and used a full stop look at you go

sugarsimms replied to your photoset

huggles

yes thank u for noticing

sugarsimms replied to your photoset “M: Connie! Greetings, butterfly!! How are you doing? My, you look...”

reminds me of how viv talks

if anything she’s a very excited, never salty or judgmental viv xD

sugarsimms replied to your photoset

YEs

sugarsimms replied to your photoset

Yes

sugarsimms replied to your photoset

<.<

♥

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “C: Well, finally! That shoot was a mess. Evening! You must be the...”

She is GORGEOUS

SHE IS I WANT THIS LEVEL OF SIM MAKING SKILL

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “Iiiiit’s party time!”

[Theoden voice] I know that face

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “J: AGHHH! G: Wow, you’re like…*pants* REALLY tense. What on earth have...”

my back is so sore I need this

trust me he would totally give you one for free because he’s just so nice

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “M: So your party is tonight and you’re not running around like an ant...”

SUCH EXCITEMENT AND CAPS

YES IT WOULDN’T BE MEL WITHOUT EXCITEMENT AND CAPS

amixofpixels replied to your post “I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON PLEASE SOMEONE PUNCH ME OUT OF PROCRASTINATING”

I can't do that! ;________; But I will if I have to. *Insert determined face*

I appreciate this comment my friend, all of it

amixofpixels replied to your photo “i’ve been revived!!!”

I, too, am revived, but that could be because I've actually posted stuff. XD BUT WELL DONE, OLD CHAP!!!

ah yes that might actually be it XD THANK YOU!! though it’s still behaving oddly so...I have no idea what it’s hiding from me.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “C: I’m feeling watched. S: My daughter is after me the purest and most...”

Protect her at all costs

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “C: I’m feeling watched. S: My daughter is after me the purest and most...”

Same

i wonder what it is lately with all those cinnamon roll Miracles man...they’re all so pure...

melien replied to your photoset “Charlotte: Okay. So. I just…about last week. Conifer: Yeah? Charlotte:...”

Awww can I fight these assholes pls

you’ll have to get in line

melien replied to your photoset “FICUS FRIDAY IS QUALITY CONTENT BY TUMBLR DOT COM USER ROMEO AND...”

God I FELT these tickles

is that...good or bad?

melien replied to your photoset “S: Hey dad-wow. What happened to you? You’re…blue!! G: I know! I have...”

You're blue now that's my attack

i’M CRYING I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PULLED THIS OFF I’M SO MAD

amixofpixels replied to your post “Are you still doing the most attractive because if so, I have to go...”

Robins for you, Connelly's for me.

amixofpixels replied to your post “Are you still doing the most attractive because if so, I have to go...”

Well, just to have the Connelly's, in my game then, won't we? ;)

I trust you with that!

amixofpixels replied to your post “Are you still doing the most attractive because if so, I have to go...”

I know the cause and it still makes me sad. ;________;

that’s okay, as long as you’re not disappointed in me xD

bouquet-of-scissors replied to your post “Can you share 10 facts about Trellis? :3 No "send this to 5 five...”

Yay!! I just remembered sending this yesterday actually. XD I think Trellis is becoming a fave for me, even more so after reading this

awwww really? that’s good to know, because she definitely needs some fans ♥

pirouettingplumbobs replied to your photoset “Close ups of the crew! I added three more because I need help XD Idk...”

I can’t see names on mobile but I’m loving the first chick with glasses and the one with short hair and s hat! So cute! And like terrifying at the same time.

that was the point (cute and terrifying) so I’m glad I got that to work! They were so much fun to make ;_;

[itchymatchoo]

So. Hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this blog and I usually do that when I need to get my mind off pressing issues by ranting about them so. I guess that’s what I’m about to do right now? Except that the issue isn’t really... pressing, per se. It’s just a culmination of everything that’s happened ‘til now I guess. 

I think I’m depressed. I know that I’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. And I definitely feel like I’ve been depressed for a really long time so I really don’t know why stating it now even makes a lick of difference. 

I don’t know. The only other people I’ve ever told about this, I mean outrightly, were my parents and some internet friends. And maybe I’ve told a few irl friends? But idk, I guess I just never made it a big deal to them even though I guess it is. There are just a few things that happened lately that made me think about all of this. Again. 

So. Lots of things happened this year. I umm finally graduated uni, hurray? And then. Without even getting a tiny bit of space for some much needed R&R after a very stressful semester, we drove right back in for our review sessions for our licensure exams. Long story short, I am now a licensed electronics engineer in my country, hurray?

That sentence you know? “I am now a fully licensed engineer!” It should really spark some kind of pride within me you know? And it does. Kind of. I did put in SOME time into it so I definitely feel like I deserve some credit but. 

I never admitted this to ANYONE outside of my family but. Every single day after listening to the review lectures, trying to absorb all that content, yadda yadda. Every single day after the review. Do you know what I did? I just played games. 

I know it sounds anticlimactic like, aw dude is that it? It’s ok to take a break sometimes man. But you don’t understand. While my friends and my other peers were tearing their hair out studying really hard, memorising formulas, making reviewers and reading every single possible source material available, what in the hell’s name was I doing? I was playing. An online mobile game. For days on end. 

Like? I know. I knew. I knew that what I was doing was stupid. That what I was doing was self-destructive. That in the end all this was going to achieve was setting myself down a slippery slope and causing grief to my parents who put in the time and money to send me to that review center. I mean, I still went to all my lectures! Most of them. And you know the funny part is that I DO want to learn. I think it’s great to learn all kinds of things but its just that. Reviewing? Studying? I have NEVER been great at that stuff. Never. Not even in uni. I like learning. I really do. But something as rigid as sitting for HOURS AND HOURS on END reading and memorising nothing but words and numbers that really don’t mean anything to me is just so. Anal. And un-engaging. And I can’t focus.

I WENT to the lectures and I LISTENED. Really listened. Tried to absorb all that shit. But this wasn’t like uni where I just had to focus for a few hours a week then once the quizzes and exams were done, I could just flush all that info down the toilet. No, this was a 6 month affair. And I wanted to do it right! I really did. I even bought all kinds of crap to help me organize and I wrote a bunch of formulas on some sticky notes and stuck them on my walls and door. They’re still right here in my room as I write. I still haven’t torn them down! Or deleted the pictures of slides I took that I never even once looked at cause I’m a dumb piece of garbage. Why do I even bother.

Anyway. Somewhere down the road I got tired. I got tired of putting in any effort into something I couldn’t care less about. Or maybe I was just never capable of such things idk. Even the moment where I told my dad that I was finally an engineer, jumping up and down. It was so. Empty. There was feeling of relief and jesus DISbelief. But like. In the end its like. Okay, so what? I mean. I did not take this shit seriously like. At all. I mean, I binged Stranger Things S3 in the middle of the review while my “friends” were saying things to my other friends shit like, wow cant believe you have time to do basic human things instead of studying? Like yikes but also jeez! I was supposed to be that frazzled but I just wasn’t cause I am flaming garbage fire who would much rather focus on other fictional characters’ lives instead of trying to face her own. 

Most of them were pretty much miserable while I was much less stressed but only in a reviewing-related sense. The stress I felt all those months was due to the insurmountable guilt I felt by not studying. My friends kept doing these Q&A’s and they must have noticed how I never quip in to answer cause I knew absolute jackshit. And. God I felt like literal walking poison then. Even the simple act of trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie with these strangers (it’s simple since I’ve been doing it since Day 1) which btw was already jarring in and of itself, was taking so much out of me. Hanging out with these people felt like punishment. A reminder of how much I’m not doing enough. And in the end I was just as miserable as they were. I pretended of course. I pretended like it was fine. Like by the end of it, my life’s not gonna come crashing down on me cause I knew I was gonna fail.

There was this brief stint wherein I didn’t come to classes for a few days and I never told them why when they asked. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was gonna to start going again anyway. And how do you even begin to explain this sea of shit? And why would I? I don’t know these people. And they don’t know me. And I am not comfortable enough to share my vulnerabilities with them. How can I? I have nothing in common with them and they didn’t strike me as the type to have long emotional conversations anyway. (Except for you J**z, u da realest bidge out der)

And then there were my parents. My parents who saw how I acted at home. My parents who were the only reason I even tried to push this hard. They knew that all I did all day long was play games on my phone. Did they even do anything about it? Maybe an empty reprimand here and there and a disapproving look sprinkled in between but they don’t actually have any type of consequence attached to them. And you know, yeah I get it. I’m 24. I’m old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right and what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing. I know they expected me to be responsible for myself but really? 

They never even asked me how I was doing. Nothing but reprimands and that’s only if they ever pass me in the hallway or have some kind of forced encounter with me. They never try to seek me out or express outright concern about my well-being. They never ask me, hey what’s really going on? Are you alright? Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything I can do to help? And it’s not like I made it so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was not doing fine in terms of the reviewing or anything right? 

It was always just, why aren’t you studying more? Shouldn’t you be studying? Why are you always playing games? It’s like they expect me to be this person and if they knew me AT ALL, they would know that I’m not that person. I never was. And all it did was plough me with even more guilt, made me feel even shittier. 

But then they also just, treat me normally? Like nothing’s wrong and everything is right with the world. Like my life wasn’t five seconds away from bursting into flames right in front of their eyes. Like they couldn’t care less if I pass or fail. Because it’s my life not theirs.

Do you even realise? Do you even realise that the only reason I went down this road was just so I could satisfy you? To make amends for all that money you wasted on me in my first uni? Do you realise that the only thing that pushed me forward for all those years and these last 6 months were guilt? Do you know what that feels like? Waking up each day feeling obligated to live life for someone else’s sake. Someone who barely acknowledges all the effort you’ve put in? Do you even know who I am? What I like, what I do in my spare time, what my beliefs are? Do you know anything about your daughter at all? 

Do you even know how miserable your daughter is right now, writing this shitty rant at 6 in the morning cause she can’t sleep? Do you know how terrified she is right now because of so many uncertain things in her life? Do you know how much she’s wanted to kill herself over the past few years? Because of you? And yet you can’t even give her the barest amount of sympathy. All you care about are society’s expectation’s of you. Do you even ever care about me at all? As a person? But hey, at least now you get to boast about your engineer daughter. I’m happy for you.

The saddest part is that I know I’ll never ever get to have that kind  of conversation with them. Ever. Because God knows I’ve tried and I know. 

I know that my mom will find a way twist things in a way to make it seem like she’s the victim in all this. Like she’s the only one suffering. And how much her name will be besmirched if word gets out that her daughter has a mental illness and is suffering from suicidal ideations! Oh how scandalous! Who could have raised such a terrible child! Like I basically confessed to her that I WANT TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY and she was like THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT ME!! LIKE??? WHO IN THE FUCK EVEN ARE “THEY”!!! This is your daughter, basically pleading, crying for help and you. You just, don’t care. At all. You only care about yourself. That’s what it felt like. You might as well have said, suck it up chump cause that’s basically what I got from that conversation. You don’t care about me getting better.

And then there’s my emotionally constipated father who will either tell me that the reason I have these dark thoughts is because there are demons inside my head or be completely silent, pretending to give a shit before his fingers slowly inch towards the remote. Because screw me and my issues, right? He’s had a hard day at work, he deserves to relax. 

I honestly can’t tell who is worse.

So yeah. In this house, we pretend like we don’t have issues. Learned that the goddamn fucking hard way. Suck it up chumps. And they wonder why I don’t want to have children? Maybe because I don’t want to end up like you two.

To be fair, we do have our fun and I do love them despite their shortcomings. I guess this is just me wanting what I can’t have. I can’t expect them to be better. How do you even go about that? I don’t think they even realise that they need to be better. I think they think that they’re doing an okay job which, you know, false, so... I should just learn to deal. It’s depressing but even the people who brought you into this world can really just disappoint you like that.

Anyway. So yeah I can’t talk to anyone. I feel alone even when I finally have people around me. I’m finally free from all these big obligations. I finally have these successes to cover up the massive failures of the past. But it just feels empty and I still feel just as shitty as before. 

What now? I got lucky with my thesis and on one of my subjects and managed to graduate on time (relatively speaking). Then I got lucky again with my licensure exam and managed to eke out passing grade. Is that it though? Gonna rely on luck my whole life? Procrastinating ‘til the day I die? Fake it ‘til you make it or die trying? Killing myself from the anxiety of whether I crash and burn or fly and flourish? How am I even supposed to find a job with an academic record as dismal as mine? Do I even want to work as an engineer? Can I afford therapy when I work? From what I hear, millennials are highly underpaid and can barely make ends meet. I’m 24. I’m not as young as the newly graduates but I don’t even do my own laundry nor do I know how to. How is there any way out of this? How can I get better? Am I capable? Or was I always destined to die by the side of the road like a roadkill? I keep wanting things for myself yet look at me. I’ve been in my bed for nearly a week now. My hair is greasy and I feel gross. And I’ve missed several appointments. And even though I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I haven’t showered for a good 5 days cause my limbs feels heavy which makes no sense since I move around a lot anyway. And I always wanna eat shit and binge content all day long and get depressed when I run out of content so I resort to posting a rant at tumblr.com.

tl;dr: i suffer from impostor syndrome, i have mommy and daddy issues, i feel so utterly alone and i’m still depressed and everything is still shitty despite my “achievements”. 

So really. Nothing new.