#wouldn't recommend but it's so hard to start taking them again like mentally

[marijuanita]

how to save on prescription drug prices: don't take them for weeks at a time 😍

[maxiroff]

I guess your not who I thought you were. Part 2 ~ Natasha Romanoff

Summary: How will Natasha fix the thing that meant the most to her? After all she was the one to ruin it in the first place.

I recommend you read part one here first to understand this if you haven’t already.

Paring: Popular Natasha x bullied reader

Words: 1462

Warnings: Angst but with a happy ending this time. I think that’s all.

Note: I hope this is good for those who asked for a part two even if I couldn’t fulfill all your request.

She remembered the day like it was yesterday, the day she broke your heart. “I would never wear something as ugly as that, it's even uglier than you.” She regretted those words the moment she said them. The way she could see your bottom lip start to tremble and your eyes filling with tears. She could feel your heart shattering before her. She lost you, the only one she truly cared about, the only person she truly loved.

She tried everything, she tried calling, texting, even knocking on your door but you never answered. She knew of your mental state and if she hadn’t overheard Wanda talk about your school she would have thought you had done something, something stupid. Even the thought of never getting to see you again scares her to death. She will do everything to get you back, to prove to you just how much you mean to her, how much she loves you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again you listened to your phone ring as you laid in your bed, same name everyday. Each time it broke your heart a little more. Everything felt meaningless, getting up from bed was one of the hardest things you'd ever done. You were tired even though sleeping was all you did.

“I love you so much my darling. You are the most valuable thing in my life and I’ll wear this as a sign of that.” How could she lie so bluntly to your face? She made you feel like the most special girl in the world. Time after time she held you as cried, laughed and slept in her arms. Time after time she told you how much she loved and cared for you. Everything felt like a lie, maybe it was. Maybe you were just a bet made by her friends. It wouldn't surprise you, you were already the biggest joke in school. “I love you” you could hear her voice over and over again.

You were so stuck in your head you didn’t notice another person in the room until she was curled up against you, holding you in her arms.

“Hey love, you need to get up, it's been weeks since it happened.”

Wanda’s voice sounded almost like a void, which she noticed, trying to bring you back to reality by pressing you harder against her body.

“I know it has been, I just feel so paralyzed, I can't even look at my own phone without having some kind of flashback, how am I supposed to face her.” Even now you could feel your eyes blurring as Wanda tightened her grip around you.

“Well it certainly won't get better by laying her all day. So as your best friend and roommate I am making the hard decision for you and taking you back to school”

“No” “Yes” “No” “Yes, you don't get a say in this Y/N. You can not let this ruin the rest of your life” You know she had a point, you couldn’t just put your life on paus, that's not how it works.

“Fine, I’ll go.” “Yesss” Wandra spoke excitedly as she almost squeezed you to death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All eyes were on you, by now the whole school knew what happened between you and Natasha. You reach back for the hood on hoodie bringing it over your head trying desperately to shield yourself from prying eyes. The floor suddenly became very interesting. So interesting you didn't notice you walked right into the person you were trying to avoid and dropped all your books in the process.

“Oh god, I'm so sorry I wasn’t looking and- “ The words caught in your throat when you looked up to see who it was. While your heart told you to embrace her and try to get her back, even though you did nothing wrong, your instincts told you to run as fast as you could. You tried to do the latter but as soon as you bent down to pick up your book Natasha did the same.

“Let me help you, it was my fault anyway.” she said as she reached for the books making your hands touch at the top of the books. You quickly moved out of the way as if her touch burned your skin. The anger burned through your body as you got flashbacks of the loving feeling her touch used to bring you. “No thanks, wouldn't want you to be seen with someone like me” you said, turning to walk away as fast as you can with the books in your arms.

“Wait please Y/N” your hear behind you as she grabs your arm tight, keeping you with her. “Did you at least get my flowers?” She sounded desperate as if you actually meant something to her. And how could you forget the flowers? She sent you a beautiful bouquet of blue and purple hyacinths, the flowers signifying constancy, regret and sincerity. She had also sent a handwritten note stating how sorry she was, how much she loved me and how she was going to fix everything. But how can you fix something that is so destroyed and broken beyond repair.

“I did” you said in a strict voice glaring at her. Your tone making her heart ache more than it already was. You had never spoken to her in such a cold way and it scared her more than anything. “And?”

“And what? What do you want me to say huh? That I forgive you just like that, because you gave me flowers. That's not how it works. How could I ever trust you again after what you did?” While Natasha’s heart broke at the tears welling up in your eyes you became even more furious at the thought of Natasha seeing you cry like some weak idiot. She took the hand that you weren’t holding the books in. Softly stroking the upper part of your palm as a way to calm you down.

“Please, let me prove it to you, that you can trust me. Please, I’m begging you. You're all I have, I can't lose you”. A tear slowly rolled down her cheek. She had already experienced what it was like to lose you once and she wouldn’t survive it again. To never be able to hold you tight against her while watching a movie, never be able to hear you laugh again, never get to kiss your soft lips again or to be intimate in any way. It was a thought worse than death.

“How? How can you do that?”

“Like this” she said as you suddenly found her lips pressed against your own, her hands finding their way to your hair and jaw keeping you in place. You books falling once again to the floor at the surprise. It was like in the movies, the sound around you from other students all but forgotten, like it was just you and her. Like the whole world stopped and no one besides you and Natasha mattered in that moment. Your tears overflowing by the overwhelming feeling of finally having her lips against yours again. Unfortunately the moment ended when you pulled away filing your lunges with some much needed air. That's when you looked around and noticed everyone looking at you with a stunned look on their faces. In that moment she showed you she wasn't ashamed or afraid to show you off to anyone, fuck them and their opinions.

“Please” Her eyebrows furrowed together and you could see the look of desperation in her eyes waiting for a response from you. “I can’t forgive you right away Natasha, this is a start but it's going to take some time.” Those words gave Natasha relief, she knew she still had a chance.

“I understand and I will do anything to earn your trust back.” Her hand trails down your arm and softly squeezed your hand in reassurance. “Do you” you said as you looked deep in her eyes. “Do you really understand? You broke me Nat and it’s going to take a lot of effort to heal me again”

“I know” You could hear the regret and shame in her hushed whisper.

“But it’s worth it. You’re worth it.” And you actually believed her this time. You could see it in her facial expression and her vibrant green eyes. They're not wrong when they say that the eye is the window to your soul. “Okej, then you can continue to prove it when you pick me up for dinner today at six”. The smile spreading across her face could light up a whole room.

“I will, thank you for giving me a second chance you won't regret it”.

And she was right. You didn’t regret it, not for a moment.

Taglist: @newawakening9 @fanfictioniseverything @username2335 @yourmamacom @wizardofstories

[arkhammaid]

Hi, I hope the writing has been going fine.

One of my most favorite works of yours is of girl Charles, have you ever thought about how would you go about writing a girl Max of you ever tried to? Honestly Max's life would be 100 times more difficult as a woman, people would have hated too much on his blunt and no-nonsense nature (something which they already do)

Also how was Deadpool and Wolverine, going through a movie burnout right now do you think I should try watching it?

hi there anon! sorry for taking some time to answer this. i haven't written so much the past few days, i just enjoyed the time being back home :) but i do hope it will go well once i properly start writing again!!

it has become a bit of a yap fest answering this ask so, more below the cut!! please excuse any grammar mistakes, i've been typing this on my phone

and as for fem!max... yes i have but i have no particular plot line/ship in mind yet. the idea didn't... dunno, grab me properly like fem!charles, not yet. i hope one day it will, because i know i could write something interesting.

while yes, i agree to what you said, i also have to disagree. fem!max would have her father throwing his weight around, a man who has many contacts, including the schumacher's. fem!charles had none of that, not even jules could've brought her so far like a father who is established in the motorsport world would have.

and of course, fem!max wouldn't be very different from actual max but do you really think red bull would just not do anything? they would be the team, who have the first woman who won a race, won several championships (later), they would invest in her and they wouldn't just idly sit by and watch everyone rip her apart

red bull would invest in her because 1. they see her talent, they see what she can do and they don't want that to go wasted, because they also see she can use that talent, 2. getting a woman like fem!max as a driver would fit their mentality, the motto of red bull. they advertise their drink not with typical advertising, they do it with world records and crazy attempts in all kinds of sports. it's their essence, it's captured in the "red bull gives you wings". having someone like fem!max would fit perfectly. 3. now the former two reasons, make up the third one. red bull does NOT want a pr perfect athlete/driver, like charles for example. they want someone rough around the edges, someone bullheaded, so with fem!max, they don't want a blond princess. considering max's personality, it's perfect (in some degree) for them, because they don't have to fake the toughness!!

rb pr would work so much harder to show who fem!max is. to show the world that max is an athlete, one of her kind, not just any woman within motorsport, she is THE woman. she's blunt, does not lie, values honesty and hard work (because she does it herself), is absolutely obsessed with racing and cars, and has some weird quirks like everyone else! red bull pr doesn't want a humble female driver, they want someone who represents their brand, so everyone immediately associates them with their driver, when they just hear the driver's name.

does this make sense? i really hope it does 😭 if anyone has any questions or wants me to elaborate (because i cut it down a bit), send me another ask!

and now, finally, deadpool and wolverine! yes, i can only recommend the movie. if you like deadpool 1&2, you will like this movie. if you like wolverine, you will also like this movie. and if you like marvel but think the mcu fell off ever since endgame, you will probably also like this movie 🤭

[fizzing-imagines]

Playtime Pt. 1 | Daycare Teacher! Billy Hargrove x Reader

Notes: This, too, has been living in my head rent-free

Warnings: Alcohol consumtion, pregnancy

Words: 2k

Your best friend and roommate Jenny called in a panic, asking you if you could pick up her 1-year old daughter, your godchild, from her daycare as she started running a fever unexpectedly. She put you down as an emergency contact at her daycare, and she was so caught-up at work that her boss wouldn't let her leave. Of course you agreed, you loved your godchild and treated her as your own. So you got into your car and drove down to said daycare. Once you arrived, you saw the photowall with the employees pictures at the entrance as a new face struck out to you. A handsome, young guy named William Hargrove. You greeted the known faces of the other attendants as you quickly made your way into her toddler room.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up Ari.", you said to the new employee, William, as you entered. "Are you her godmother?", he asked you. "I'll have to ID you because I've never been here for you to pick her up." You gave him an understanding nodd before fishing your wallet out of your bag. Once found, you showed him your ID to which he turned around and got Ari from the book corner. Her face was flushed red and her eyes were watery. "(Y/N).", she mumbled as she reached out her arms to get to you. Happily, you carried her on your arms to make her feel better. "Can I ask you a question?", you asked William in a worried tone. "Sure, any time.", he said with a smile. "I've never took care of a sick toddler, and her mum works for three more hours. What do I do now?" You were at a loss, Jenny always knew what to do. This was a first, for both you and Ari. "Well, I don't have any kids of my own so I can't really recommend anything. Other parents here use Calpol though." You nodded your head while mumbling "Calpol, okay." to help yourself remember. "And cold compresses on the legs and neck if her fever gets higher." You nodded once again. "But it's best if you try and go to the doctor with her, they can tell you much more than I can." He smiled at you as you nodded for the third time. "Thank you so much, and thank you for looking after her.", you said while smiling back at him. "It's not a big deal. Just remember that we have a 48-hour rule of being free of symptoms until she can return to daycare." You were happy that he told you, because you wouldn't have known any of that. "Thank you very much, William.", you said with a smile. "Just call me Billy."

Ari stayed home with you for the entire week as you were on a two-week holiday for your mental health. It helped you a lot, actually, as you had a hard time getting up and doing anything for yourself. So taking care of a tiny human, feeding her, putting her to bed, bathing her, it helped you with doing something good for yourself. So good that, when Jenny was home for the weekend, you decided to go out partying with two friends from high school on a Sunday night. You picked out a beautiful dress, did your makeup, styled your hair and you haven't felt this good about yourself in weeks. After months of low confidence, it shot through the roof just like that.

The club was loud and smelly. People were chatting, dancing, making out in some corner and most of all, drinking alcohol like it was water. Your friends made it their goal for the night as well and made a bee-line to the bar with you. They ordered three shots of tequila, followed by a mojito and a vodka-soda. As you felt the alcohol kicking in, you felt like dancing and made them go on the dance floor with you. You gave it your all, dancing with anyone who was willing to get close to you. And you had such a fun time, being carefree and wild for just one night until you bumped into someone you knew while looking for your next dance partner. "Billy?", you yelled over the loud music. He looked at you, trying to match your face with someone you knew, and he remembered eventually. "(Y/N)!", he said with a grin. "Nice seeing you here!" Billy was clearly intoxicated, and completely different than from who you saw at the daycare. Well, teachers have a private life so you shouldn't be too surprised. But you did end up being surprised when he put an arm around your shoulder and led you to the bar. "Let me buy you a drink, pretty thing.", he said with a flirtatious smirk. You blushed at his words, wondering how one 10-minute impression could get him to talk like that. "S-sure.", you replied, a bit flustered. Billy bought you a Rum-Cola with another shot of Tequila. Your already-buzzed brain did the math and concluded that you'd be piss-drunk in about an hour. "You know, you have to look each other in the eyes when you toast.", he said to you while taking the shot in his hands. "Why?", you asked him. "Because if you don't, you'll have bad sex for the next 7 years." His statement surprised you so much that you couldn't even look away from his eyes, so he took his opportunity to toast with a wink. Oh, so that's the road he chose?

Did you end up back at his apartment? Absolutely. Both of you got drunk as shit and slept together. But you did leave his place when you woke up at 2am and realized what you've done. One check on your Nokia 3110 showed you that you've abandoned your friends at the club with no warning; you had 7 missed calls from them and 3 missed calls from Jenny. "Shit.", you mumbled under your breath as you wriggled out of Billy's arms that were wrapped around your waist. Quickly, you got dressed, called a Taxi and drove back to your apartment. Once you entered, you saw dim light in the living room and stumbled inside, still slightly intoxicated, to find Jenny on the couch. She was trying to keep herself occupied, but you could see her nervousness because she chewed on the nail of her index finger. "Jenny.", you whispered while clumsily taking your shoes off. "Jesus Christ (Y/N)", she whispered back while getting up from the couch. "You've had me worried sick, where were you?". Oh shit. Now you'll have to tell her. "I was...uhm...at a guys house.", you stuttered, still whispering. "Seriously? What, isn't that good? When have you last done that?" She had a wide smile on her face, the initial anxiety and anger washed away in an instant. "Not really.", you whispered in an anxious tone. "It was...it was William, Ari's teacher." Jennys eyes went wide in shock. "He was at the club, and we got drunk so..." She didn't say anything for a while. "Well, you sleep it off and we'll talk about it tomorrow, yeah?" That wasn't really what you were looking fir as an answer. "I'm not angry. I'm just surprised." Now that actually calmed you, but you understood that she needed to cope with what you told her just now.The two of you went to bed, and you didn't wake up until 1pm. The apartment was empty by then, and as soon as you woke up you had to make a bee-line to the bathroom to throw up. Your guts hurt like a bitch, your throat burnined and your head was pounding. Jenny, being the sweet soul that she is, already put out ibuprofen and a glass of water on the small table you had in the bathroom. You were so lucky to have her. In hopes of relief, you took the ibuprofen and went back to bed. Your phone woke you up two hours later with Jenny calling. "What's up?", you grumbled into the speaker. "Good morning.", she said in a cheerful voice. "I have to work overtime today, can you pick up Ari?" A cold shiver ran down your spine. "With Billy there? I doubt it.", you replied in a hoarse voice. Why did your throat hurt so bad? There must have been more than just throwing up...oh. "He went partying yesterday, I doubt he'll wanna work while hungover. He wasn't in this morning, so he most likely has a day off." Jenny was right, and you knew it. "Fine, I'll be the lesbian adoptive mom.", you replied while getting out of bed. "Thank you honey, love you.", Jenny said before handing up. Slowly, you got dressed, put on sunglasses and started driving to Aris daycare. Your brain fully convinced you that Billy wouldn't be there, because who in the world would be such a jackass, so you took it easy as you walked in. Well, both you and Jenny were horribly wrong. Ari was standing behind Billy, who sat on a tiny chair, while putting bows and clips in his mullet. Both were all alone in the room, all kids being picked uo already and the other two teachers outside cleaning up. Did Billy look pleased? Not really, but he didn't look hungover either. Your goddaughter saw you as soon as you closed the door behind. "(Y/N)!", she cheered as she took you by the hand to lead you to Billy. "Pwetty.", she added with a proud smile. "Oh yes, Ari, you made Billy really pretty.", you agreed and undermined your statement with a nod. She then pointed at you with a questioning look. "You can do my hair at home, yeah?" She smiled and nodded in agreement before you picked her up and carried her back to the door. "Can you say bye bye?", you asked Ari. She waved her tiny hand at Billy with a grin on her face. "See you tomorrow, Ari.", Billy said with a wave back.

Weeks passed, you haven't picked up Ari in since the first incident. Once you told Jenny, she started asking Aris godfather to do pickups. Her baby daddy was a no-good leech, and her parents didn't support her so it was just you, Jenny and the godfather. And you thought that it was ideal, but that ideal was broken by a tiny plastic stick with two blue lines on it. "Fuck...", you mumbled. It was all you could say. Jenny was at home, taking a quick shower before wanting to pick up Ari from daycare. "What does it say?", she asked you while peaking out of the shower. "I'm pregnant...", you mumbled. It felt so real now that you've said it. "And you're sure it's Billy's?", she continued. "I haven't had sex with anyone else in the past six months.", you told her while pulling your legs into a criss-cross position. The two of you were having a deja-vu, as this was the exact same way Jenny found out she was gonna have Ari. Just with a different father. "So, I'll give him your number when I pick up Ari and we'll go from there. At least he has a stable job.", Jenny said while washing out her conditioner. "You're way too calm, Jen.", you said. "I just told you I'm pregnant, you're taking this easy." You could hear her chuckle. "Well, if he's a dick as well we'll just be a four-people household."

But Billy did call you and asked to talk with you face-to-face. While Jenny didn't tell him what exactly happened, she did tell him that it was important. Billy already had his suspicions at those words, but he didn't know how to feel about them. His mind was reeling as he drove over to your place to pick you up, and you were waiting on the sidewalk with the test in hand. He parked at the nearest parking spot and waited for you to enter. Once you sat down next to him, you silently handed him the test. "Well, fuck.", he mumbled as he looked at the two blue lines.

"Yeah, that's kinda how that happened."

[yourpalmickeymouse]

Hello Mickey :D I just want give a little head up that a certain inky dog and green lawyer are on here. Any thoughts on them?

...

Are you kiddin' me? Are you serious? Those two are here? On THIS SITE?!!!!???

*sigh*

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It's just... I've had very bad experiences with both of these "gentlemen". They are some of the slimiest most rotten villains that you would ever hate to meet. I guess it would be good to answer your question, so you know why you should avoid them at all costs...

First up the "Green Lawyer" which I am sure you are referrin' to the deplorable Sylvester Shyster. What do I even say? He's a corrupt lawyer who abuses the law to swindle innocent people and try to evade consequences for his criminal activities. Did you know that he tried to steal Minnie's inheritance? And after she trusted him as a friend too. Yeah, I know. And that's barely the tip of the iceberg. There's almost no end to his depravity. He'll do anythin' to get a quick buck, even put multiple people's lives at risk.

If he ever offers you any legal services, SAY NO!!! I'm not jokin'. He'll try to come across as someone trustworthy, but he's not. He'll somehow find a way to screw you over and take all your money. It's best to ignore him, or even better yet report him. I honestly can't stand people like him. People who just see others as potential targets to squeeze every penny from. I can't even imagine how he sleeps at night.

And now for the "Inky Dog", I know exactly who you're talkin' about. The wretched evil that is The Phantom Blot. Him. Well the most important thing you need to know about him is ...

I mean to say that he's ...

It's just that ...

Sorry. It can be hard to talk about him sometimes. I have had some... intense... experiences with him and while he's not the only one who I struggled with... With him, it just feels different. I don't know how to explain it. He just feels so... off. He's unsettling in a way that is hard to describe. He masks it pretty well with his "charisma", but once that mask starts to slip... Well...

... He kinda scares me.

It doesn't help that he is extremely conniving and can make devices and schemes unlike the world has ever seen. Every time I know he is involved in something, I just feel like I have to be on high alert. He always manages to surprise me. And not in a good way.

I guess what is most important for you to know is that he's extremely cruel and manipulative, and will do anything, anything, to get more power and control. I wouldn't recommend tryin' to deal with him. It's not worth getting entangled in his traps, both physical and mental. He's a wicked monster with a stone-cold black heart made of coal... Then again, I wonder if even that's true. Sometimes I feel like there's still some humanity in him. A part of him that does know better... I kinda feel like that makes him worse.

Regardless, I think it's important not to be afraid of him. That's exactly what he wants. He's not as invincible as he tries to appear. He's not unbeatable. In the end, he's just a guy. Just a guy in a cloak. And just like any guy, he has, can, and will be defeated.

...

But seriously if you happen to catch either of these two in suspicious activity please alert me or the Mouseton police. We'll do our best to try and take care of these scoundrels.

Perhaps this is a blessin' in disguise. I could use this as an opportunity to keep an eye on these two and keep them out of trouble.

[satanicsanity]

Alrighty... I'm giving one last do-dad of information on the bakery au, that my friend @hazile helped me come up with.... Because again... if I don't I'M GOING TO FORGET ABOUT IT- 😭

Anyways... Golly I do miss posting, and I'm seeing the Welcome-home Fandom slowly start to reshape itself (rather quickly actually) from what I've seen which is very wonderful! Making me wanna come back from my break so damn quickly, but of course.. Irl priorities must come first! (more good news is that I'm actually starting to do better mentally, slowly but surely!)

Anyway... Onto this bakery-au info piece, so I can get back to my irl work..- 💕 hope you enjoy!

Endings to the Bakery-au:

Tw: death & heavy angst

° First way to get a specific ending, you would have to get Baker with his weakness, one of his weak spots is his head... And similarly, spice makes Baker feel very weak, You would also have to find a way to detach Baker from entity and then kill him. OR to get another ending route, you would be to beat Baker at his own game somehow (which would make Baker respect you and accept his death) those I'd say would be the two main endings! °

-------------------------------------------------------

- So one death-ending route... You find a way to detach Baker from entity, weaken him, and then kill him (The No-mercy ending)

- Another way is if you beat Baker at his own game. Outrunning him, outsmarting him, etc etc... And that is VERY difficult to do, I'm talking 5% chance of you being able to actually do this. In this situation if you then hurt baker say by.. Shooting him, he'd smile at you and accept his death and the fact he's lost. Baker would then have entity take his soul and wipe the memories of baker from all the neighbors expect for you, so you'd have to live with the knowledge of the fact you killed him. (The acceptance ending)

- Another ending... This one is more complex and sad. you get someone Baker still loves or has loved to kill him. now if it's someone like Elizabeth, he's dragging her down with him. Accepting his end, yes, but not going without revenge. BUT... if it's someone like er... Y/n, a VERY close friend of his such as Julie or howdy, or even phoebe if you managed to bring them back somehow... Baker would just give up immediately. This fuck would probably finally accept something he's always told himself, which is that he's unlovable. He'd just start to cry and laugh at how stupid he's been to allow himself to trust someone again, apologize for what he's done, and would let/tell entity to finally end him and take his soul. In these scenarios all the neighbors would still remember him. (The heartbreak ending)

- This au could hypothetically end as well with you joining Baker. Which is where you (y/n) find baker's secret and join him, devoting yourself to entity as baker had done or simply helping Baker to continue this little "game" of his and working by his side. (The Partners in crime ending)

So... Can you kill him?? Yes, will it be Hard?? Yes, is it still possible?? Yes. This being said I wouldn't recommend trying... As there is a higher likelihood that the rest of the neighbors will not believe you if you have not presented them enough proof of baker's secret, and baker hides his Secret VERY well.... And so they'll will turn on you, and you will be sent to jail for a long time in this situation.

Furthermore besides those four endings... There is a secret ending you can get in this little au scenario!

(Thank you @hazile for this idea!)

If you can get enough proof, get to the police without Baker catching you, you can have baker sent away to a mental institution & rehab, and he will be detached from Entity.

Like a little redemption arc! In this ending the other neighbors will believe you and be presented with proof and hold it against Baker for a long time... However though they'll begin forgive him or at least making peace with him more likely, some more than others, even if they cannot be friends anymore because of what baker's done.

The difficulty of this would be a 80-90% as it would require you to have to not only escape from Baker, to get to the police, but also not get your memory erased or have Baker reset the day somehow.

And baker has control over the neighborhood and eyes everywhere... So this would be pretty difficult. But again, if you play your cards right, not impossible. (This is the secret/redemption ending)

So in total we've got, for possible endings to this au...

- The No-mercy ending (50% difficulty)

- The acceptance ending (90-98% difficulty)

- The heartbreak ending (30% difficulty)

- The Partners-in-crime ending (0% difficulty)

- The secret/redemption ending (80-90% difficulty)

And then of course all of these routes can end with... Baker killing you, unless you chose the Partners-in-crime ending or you actually manage to get said ending you're trying to achieve! (haha, all of this sounds like it's an actual game huh??-)

Anyways hope yall enjoy, and I'm sure I'll be back again for either a pop-in, or an "I'm finally fully coming back" announcement soon! Haha!

[explorevenus]

Okie so I've been rewatching Nicole stream RE2 to review all the stuff that has happened to baby Leon during his no good very terrible worst first day of work, and I was thinking of Leon deeply attaching to a darling connected to Raccoon City. I'm leaning more towards one who managed to survive it all through sheer luck and just trying to get as far away from it as possible, immediately. They have some Massive survivor's guilt about all the colleagues and friends that were left behind. They try to stay with family, but it's hard for their family to fully understand the severity of what happened or provide the mental health support necessary. I imagine that Leon finds darling through forum posts and messages boards discussing Raccoon City. It's a huge event, and I imagine that there would be plenty of online discussions and internet sleuths trying to uncover the truth behind what happened - similar to the reaction to 9/11 in terms of surprise, severity and the spread/flow of information around the same time (1998-2002). The idea of online government surveillance was not a concern to the average person at this time, so while darling would be keeping their identity anonymous from others, they wouldn't have many other external pressures preventing them from speaking about their experiences. Leon grows attached, just through reading their posts, and wants to protect them and help them heal. I don't want to steal your ideas but I do really love Leon wanting something permanent in his life, some sense of normalcy that entices him with the promise of peace and security. I love the idea of him attaching all of this to the goal of having your love and acceptance and it drives him crazy. It takes him a while to finally meet you in person; he manipulates things around him so that there happens to be an apartment just in your price range right next to his when you're searching for a place of your own. He's right there to help even if you don't have many boxes to carry into your place and he's such a gentleman and reassuring your nerves at settling into a new place yet again. He offers to be your reference when you apply for a temp job he recommended for you and insists on celebrating on this little victory when you get the job. He's so supportive of you in a way you've never felt before that you end up developing a crush on him - it doesn't help that you've been trying to stay polite with the way you look at him since you first met him. The man is so afraid of accidentally crossing a boundary that will lose your trust forever that he ends up coming off as very innocent to you, and when you start to engage in behaviors that you think make you a dirty creep (learning his schedule, trying to find where he works, keeping a look out through your peep hole for any guests he brings over), he gets flustered realizing that you're actually reciprocating his feelings. He uses this to get closer to you, deploying a strategy of letting you talk about your trauma until you are distraught just for him to stop you from spiraling into it and holding you and walking you back from the edge into the comfort of his arms. After a while of this, the extended vulnerability has you wanting reciprocation from him, and he uses this to really lay on the feeling of loss and wanting to overcome it daily by protecting people. He weaponizes his trauma by telling you that it eases his mind to selflessly keep people safe and how awe struck he is of you for surviving all of it and still trying to keep a normal life with an apartment and a job and new friends atop the ashes of the old ones when most people would have succumbed to despair. He admits how deeply unfair the world is to "trauma survivors like us" and tops it all off by saying that he wishes you didn't have to act like none of it happened in order to keep up with your life's demands, if it were up to him there would be justice where you would be cared for, safe, and have all your needs met. His words imply a kinder government for its citizens but both of you know it's him for you.

(I hope this is good just a rough idea for now)

-🍒

okay i love EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS.

i’m a total sucker for yandere!leon playing the long game :’) cherry anon you’re a LEGEND

[c0d33]

2, 8, 11, 23 :)

2. Album of the year?

I've listened to a lot of great albums this year, but if I'm sticking to ones I found in 2023, then I'll go with the Chicory: A Colorful Tale soundtrack! It's a great mix of absolute bangers with some really nice music, and it has plenty of variety between all of the tracks! I especially like Abandon Me and Gulp Swamp :)

8. Game of the year?

Oh boy, it's hard to choose just one. I played so many great games this year that choosing just one to be my game of the year would feel like a disservice to the rest, so I'm just gonna list all of my favorites that I started this year :D

Warframe

Easily my biggest timesink of the year, I started Warframe in April and have put nearly 560 hours into it already. It's gameplay is just so satisfying and addicting once you get past the initial hurdle of the new player experience, and is probably the least predatory F2P game I've ever seen in my life. It's just been an absolute blast and I'll absolutely be putting more time into it in 2024!

Lethal Company

Probably not a big surprise, but Lethal Company is insanely fun. I've been playing quite a bit with some of my friends, and every session is an absolute blast and can send me into hysterics at some points. Plus, I love the monster designs :)

Chicory: A Colorful Tale

An awesome game that's really fun and puts out a great message, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Chicory! Great gameplay and soundtrack, highly recommend it!

Chants of Sennar

Very enjoyable puzzle game about deciphering languages! There was one part in particular that completely blindsided me and was easily the highlight of the game for me, but I won't spoil it just in case anybody reading this wants to play it themselves

Ultrakill

Also probably not a big surprise if you've looked at my posting activity in the past few days. Extremely fun gameplay, awesome character designs, great music, etc. :)

Honorable mention to all of the games that I didn't start this year but I still played and obsessed over, like Battlefield 1

11. Something you want to do again next year?

Tough question, since there's not really anything super special I did this year that I haven't done before, but I suppose I do want to try cooking more! I've been more and more interesting in cooking and baking ever since I made empanadas earlier this year, so I wanna try finding more recipes and making more stuff :D

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

Another tough question! I think for me personally, not a lot changes between the first day of the year and the last, so I wouldn't really have many serious things to say since we're basically in the same position. I think one thing I would say is to try not to sacrifice myself too much to other people. I took a lot of mental health hits this year by essentially acting as a therapist for people (By my own decision, absolutely nothing to do with them), so I think I would tell myself to take it easy. I don't have to solve every issue, and as much as it pains me to see my friends in pain, I would often be in more pain after hearing their struggles. That isn't to say I'd completely shut myself off from hearing them out, but I would try not to overextend myself emotionally in these circumstances. That is the struggle of being as much of an empath as I am

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It is I again ... :)

Well, I actually forgot about the existence of this blog, it has been ... 5 years? Is that possible? That sounds like a lot, it's scary how much of my life has already passed.

I am yet again depressed and disassociated. This time I also packed an eating disorder with me, so it's not all the same boring routine... Splendor at it's finest.

A year and a half ago or so I started university and honestly, I hate university. I have very few friends there and one of them forgot about me the second she got better so I decided to cut her off, to not feel the shame of being used. The other one is also quite mentally ill to be honest and she also suffers from an ed, which makes it hard for me to interact with her as someone trying her best to recover. I recently had a lapse (or relapse? I can never understand what's more appropriate and calling it relapse just feels like I am bragging for attetion) and when I decided I'd stop it and try to recover again, I had to bring the time I spend interacting with her to a minimum. Maybe some people will call me selfish, but do I care? If you were in my shoes, you'd talk differently. People's hate is just the cost of making your own decisions about life it seems.

On another note, I am going to therapy, yay. I also went to this ed treatment center when things got bad with eating and I am still going there in secret from my family.

Now that I mentioned therapy, there is one thing I really want to write here. It happened almost a year ago already, but it honestly still haunts me. Maybe I am too dramatic idk, people have it way worse...but this is MY note so I can write whatever I want right... xd

Well, when I became anorexic about 2 years ago, I sought out a therapist. She was recommended to me by my friend I mentioned above with whom I no longer interact. It was an old woman, 60+, very short, but this person had something so unsettling about her, Charlie, that you entered the room she'd sit in with a feeling of being somehow tried by a figure of immense evil. I felt something was strange about her quite early on, but this lady charged very little for her services and I am a poor student, so I didn't want to give it up... Until one time. She'd often make weird remarks about how pretty I am, asked me who had green eyes, if my mom or dad, I believe it was already on the first or second session... I felt weird, but decided to overlook it. She then later on kept mentioning another client of hers, telling me that I could meet him and talk to him as we both have a history of living with a very manipulative grandfather. I assumed she meant calling him to one of our sessions and having this weird group therapy. Well, I was wrong. One day she asked me if I've ever had a boyfriend - I haven't yet, so I told her no. She acted as if this was a problem - what a total c*nt tbh :^) - but anyway, she then later in the session mentioned him again and kept saying that he is old, way older than me. I felt weird, so I asked how old? And she replied: "Quite old." ??? red flags, I know, but well, I made her tell me he was 34 or so. I don't exactly remember. Well, she said again that we have to meet up, me and him. I was like mhm she probably means some different time. No. At the end of our sessions someome rang her bell and she replied: "*his name*, come in" I was scared, even though still trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. Well, I wanted to leave, but the witch literally stood in front of the door and wouldn't let me. The man appeared at the doorstep. She told him he should take me for a ride somewhere in his car at the weekend and asked him if he had time - he said well yes. Then she asked me if I wanted to go and I felt so scared by that time - but I managed to say I'll think about it. Well, after this happened, I was mortified and I ended up ending everything with her.

This scared me so much, Charlie. I don't tell people about it anymore, but sometimes I see an old woman outside who faintly resembles her and get a shiver of dread up my spine. Sometimes the memories of her just come to me as flashbacks and I feel dirty. I felt dirty after this happened to be honest, even though nothing really happened to me. I guess I felt strangely exploited and objectified. I came to her for help but she did this thing...for what? God knows.

On another note, lately I am obsessing over a certain anime character and its weirdly healing me even though I am still feeling very bad. He is not a good person, but I relate to him a lot for some reason.

I also write a lot, Charlie, my stories are probably the only thing that genuinely makes me happy to be myself. I also try to draw when I can.

Well, this is all the brain vomit I can think of for today.

Thank you for listening.

-mv

[theinstagrahame]

I keep seeing ads for BetterHelp and similar podcast-sponsoring mental health services which have horror stories. Some of these ads talk about how hard it is to find a therapist, which made me wonder: Are y'all as confused about how to find one as I was?

I went searching for a new therapist a couple of years ago, and had no idea where to start, honestly. My doctor recommended the Psychology Today website, but beyond that: what do? Call all of them and hope we click? Dust off the phone book and point to a random page in the P section? Go down the list alphabetically until I find one that I like?

My partner lucked out and immediately clicked with the first person their PCP suggested. A lot of my friends described just going and seeing if it worked out--and that had been my process previously.

I didn't really want to try that again, so I went with a new process. Which I think worked out well? I'm happy with my therapist, and have been seeing them for... somewhere between a year and 2 years. But, as I don't think I'm that unique, figured I'd write down what I did in case it helped someone else:

(This is presented with a lot of caveats. I have insurance, so that was part of my process. I was looking mostly for like, talk therapy. Someone with a need for more specialized care may need to make some adaptations.)

Step 1: go to the Psychology Today website (recommended by my Doctor). At least in mid 2023, they have a "Find a Therapist" tool front and center of the page.

Step 2: Enter your geographical area. Then use the search filters to pare the list down to people who specialize in the stuff you want to talk about. You can also specify telehealth, and weed out anyone who's not taking new clients.

Step 3: Look at the profiles. Honestly, this part is mostly vibes. I noticed a lot of the photos of older therapists reminded me too much of my parents or friends of my parents. There were a lot of things I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them about, so I looked for someone I could imagine as a friend. Several of them also had short self-marketing paragraphs on their profiles, which I also took into consideration.

I'm calling this part out as important. I wanted to scout out someone who I'd feel comfortable talking to. One or two I crossed off my list because their writing felt "too hippy" for my comfort level. Here, you should ask yourself what you want in a therapist. If you're looking for someone with that air of parentitude, absolutely go for it. Finding a good fit therapist is 100% about comfort, so check in with yourself here. (Optional: You can also look at reviews on some insurance websites and/or Google for additional insight into the therapist's work)

Step 4: Compile a list of therapists you're interested in contacting. I went with 2-3, but honestly, given the state of the United States Healthcare System, 5+ is maybe a safe bet. Because the next step is...

Step 5: Open your Health Insurance website, and use their "Find a Therapist" tool. Use a similar geographical radius as earlier.

Step 6: Cross-reference your list with your health insurance website. Nix any that aren't covered (unless you *really* want to meet with them and see if you can work something out).

Step 7: Contact your top 2-3 picks. When I did this, I got emails back from 2 of them, both of whom were currently full, but expected to have availability in a couple of months. I waited, and went with the first one who got back. I like my therapist a lot!

Step 8: Go for a few sessions. If they don't bring it up (mine did), ask about what to do if you don't feel like it's a good fit. They're professionals, and shouldn't take it personally. Talk early and often about whether you both feel like it's a good match.

Note: This is about as important as Step 3, because your Vibes can lead you astray, but 1000%, you need to feel comfortable with your therapist. If you don't, you're just wasting their time and your money. Plus, you have a List, so if it doesn't work out, you can just hit the next name.

Truth be told, this was a process that spanned a couple of weeks (plus the waiting for availability). Partially because getting help is scary, so I had to work myself up to some parts of it. Partially because some steps did require me to ask myself uncomfortable questions about what I was looking for, and I had to work myself up to those answers. I'm also pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, so like, easy to lose focus on this. But, making incremental progress was super helpful, and I did eventually get to the end.

Bear in mind: your mileage may vary. Your insurance options may vary. I am not a doctor, lawyer, or expert in anything here. I'm just some guy, you know?

Take what parts of this feel right, ignore the ones that don't--or that don't apply.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

your answer made me tear up too, i don't think anyone has cared enough to ask how i've been in so long. i feel like the bad days are permanent, they seem to appear so often i just can't bear it anymore. i try to hold out hope but maybe i'm just kidding myself. i've been so sad for so long, i don't even remember how to be happy. and that makes me so sad. that the thought of passing away seems so much more of a relief than to continue living. i know for a fact i failed my exams which means i'll either have to drop out or redo my exams. which also means i won't get to do placement. and if my family knows of this, i don't think i can go through that again. i can't. the pain was way too much last time, i suppressed those memories. i'm not stong enough to go through that again. i know death is the easy way out. and i'm a coward for wanting to take it but i'm so desperate. i don't want to feel the pain anymore. the numbness, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, i can't.

i'm sorry, you feel so much more comforting than my own big sisters. i don't think they even deserve that title truthfully. but thank you for letting me rant, you don't even have to post this. i don't mind. i truly hope your day today was much lighter than mine. i hope you experienced some form of happiness today. i hope you're well. love you more than words could ever say, thank you for letting me spill my words on here. please don't feel pressured to post this. i'm sorry for how weird this ask is. i'm sorry for unloading it all on to you 💕

Don't worry, you can always rant to me. Sometimes we just need to let it out, to get it off our chests because too often we don't have anyone trustworthy to talk to openly and many wouldn't understand it either. I wish I could help you through this, I'm having similar struggles too. I actually blew up my professional life a week ago because I panicked. They wanted to give me the residency I asked for after fighting with them for months and when they gave it to me I ended up not accepting (for reasons listed bellow but also because they bind you contractually for life). I just spent the last year not even living but surviving, working nights so often I didn't feel human at all and I barely saw my family (my younger niece barely knows who i am), I don't even have friends anymore because everyone kind of just gave up on me. They didn't understand how tired I was from work, I just didn't want to do anything after work. I went from a packed covid unit to urgent care back to infectious diseases and it's been so exhausting both mentally and physically and my chronic illnesses have all gone havoc in this time and I've come to realize that even though the pay is better when you work nights and on calls, my health and general well being have no price. So when my contract is up this March I'm going to be unemployed for a bit until I find a job as a GP and that's scary as hell and no one quite understands why I left a higher paying job in a hospital 20 mins away from me by foot that I lowkey dreamed about and wished for my entire life. Guess they were right when they said be careful what you wish for...I got my wish and it cost me everything else and I was miserable. If I had the option I'd leave healthcare altogether, but my background is basically a nursing degree and then a doctor's degree so I'm stuck with it...unless I marry a richy rich dude 🤣 (can I get Charles Leclerc pls) but yeah, I understand what you're going through. Life is so fucking hard all the time and most people just have to stay up float and that's it, but people like you and me are constantly swimming against the current with chains pulling us under. (There's a song by The Pretty reckless called Under the water, I recommend you listen to it, kind of like a soundtrack to this whole thing). I refuse to believe it won't get easier one day (despite my year starting with a firework going off in my face followed by a terrible case of chicken pox that made me miss a weekend trip to Austria, making my skin awful, and now a flare up in my condition), IT HAS TO GET EASIER. Until then, please reach out to me whenever you need it. It's not a burden. Hell it's like group therapy, we can commiserate together over shitshows of the day. Can even be fun? Either way, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere yet. I'll keep fighting and I really hope you will too so that one of these days we can talk about the good things we get to see and live. I'm hoping everything happens for a reason and one day that reason will be clear. 💕

[taleasnewastime]

ok so I'm back again (I'm the anon who sent in that ask about ACOTAR and beach read) and you read once upon a broken heart??? omg I loved that book. I've still not read the second one though (bc a friend gave me the biggest spoiler and now I'm processing all the tragedy things). I heard the new book's coming out this year.

i have to read something with romance in it to get interested in it, because I'm not really into anything other than that, unless it's a really really really good book. other than that, my favorite genre would either be a) dark romance or b) fantasy. said friend got me into fantasy books last year, can't get them out of my head now. I've read some of sarah j maas's books, then the cruel prince series (haven't finished), once upon a broken heart, and the invisible life of addie larue.

then there's dark romance books. I've not actually read a lot, but one of the most memorable ones would be the cat and mouse duet ('haunting adeline' and 'hunting adeline'). it's VERY controversial, I really wouldn't recommend u to read it unless you're really into stalker romance. also read trigger warnings before.

my favorite trope? hmm, that's a hard question. honestly, I'd read anything that has a good plot and is interesting. but I noticed I mostly gravitate towards e2l and opposites attract (for some reason)

I read a LOT of angst. i love a good book that can make me cry.

my most anticipated-not-read-yet books? the shatter me series. aaron warner is gonna kill me when i start the series, all of my friends who've read the books say that he is the hottest book bf ever, so that's something I'm mentally preparing myself for. I have so many books on my tbr that I also cannot read the twisted series and also the good girl's guide to murder series.

and at last but not least, my favorite book? I've read so many good books this past year... I have several. so if you're talking about fantasy/magic it'd be the invisible life of addie larue, and rom-com/e2l would be better than the movies. you should read both of these books!!!

I'd love to know more about your book preferences though. what is something that you hate in a character (could be there habits or mindset)? which character owns your heart? what is your opinion on colleen hoover books? favorite author? first book series you've ever read? favorite trope? you haven't yet replied if u have a book bf 👀

(+ if u do emoji anons (idk what u call them really) i could be known as 📚anon, if it's not taken)

I'm sorry for this really long ask but I was excited . have an amazing day and/or a good night's sleep, wherever you are.

Hello! Sorry this has taken a second to answer - I went to Dublin for the weekend :) And again, I love this ask so thanks for coming back!! I've put all my thoughts below the cut.

Gah, I loved Once Upon a Broken Heart. I have heard that people thought the second one was sad ..? so I'm kind of dreading it. Another reason to wait for the third to come out so I can hopefully just power through and get to the (hopefully) happy ending. Just so hard to wait!! I want to know what happens now!!!

I get the need to have romance in a book. I read quite a range of genres but I always fly through romance books. I also love fantasy books - take me away from this horrid world please! But I've not really read any dark romance books. Part of me kind of likes the idea but I'm also not sure it's for me. Guess that's the perk of there being so many different books everyone can pick from.

E2L is a classic!! Alllll the angst. I want the main characters fighting and being forced to be around each other, trying to deny their feelings before they're making out and loving each other. YES!

Ooh I have the shatter me series on my shelf but haven't read either. I also want to read Icebreaker (which I haven't bought yet) and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I haven't got the twisted series on my tbr but I've heard good things about it.

Yes I've read Invisible Life Addie LaRue and I loved it tooooo. I bought a special addition of the hardback just because. I kind of love Luc in some twisted way ... (which is why I think part of me would enjoy dark romance lol). Such a good book though, definitely one of my favourites too. I also love Six of Crows. If you've not read that you'd possibly enjoy.

What I hate in a character? I really hate when people do something I'd never do. Sometimes I can understand when a character does the opposite of what I want them to do, but I hate when they do something I think no one would ever do - struggling to think of examples, but maybe just taking back a guy who's been absolutely crap, or sacking off someone who's only ever been nice. I'm sure there's loads of things I hate, but can't think of anything else now. Tbh I think I struggle more with bad writing over bad characters - though there's probably not much difference between the two.

Gosh, all the tough questions. Character that owns my heart? You've never read Project Hail Mary but there's a character in that called Rocky, who honestly, I'd die for. I'd also die for every character in The House in the Cerulean Sea - again another banger if you've not read, it's not romantic but it's really soft and sweet.

Book bf. This has just come to me from nowhere, but Howl, from Howls Moving Castle. He is essentially like the film Howl if you've ever seen it. But more Welsh. And he's so chaotic and would probably drive me insane with his mess and antics but I'd love him all the same. Who's your book bf?

I'm not going to lie, I'm not a fan of Colleen Hoover. I've read and didn't actually mind Reminder of Him and It Ends With Us. But I recently read Verity and sorry if you enjoyed it but I really don't understand why people like it, I thought it was awful. I still kind of want to read It starts With Us. Have you read any of her books?

Favourite author atm is possibly Emily Henry, have you read any of her books? The first series I ever read was almost definitely Harry Potter, I remember queueing up at midnight to buy the books. I read quite a few series though, mainly because most fantasy books seem to be series. Are you a fan of series or do you prefer stand alone books?

Please don't apologise for the long ask, unless you don't want to read through my long replies! Honestly love reading what you've put and writing out my responses, so thanks for taking the time to ask :) Hope you're doing well wherever you are!

[herearemythoughtsjustincaseidie]

My name is pat and, for as long as I can remember, I've had an intense fear of death

It has caused me sleepless nights, panic attacks, and so so many tears. I like to keep busy, because it helps to avoid the thoughts. But they become so loud in the dead of night, where nothing can distract me from the simple fact that someday, i will die.

.

The first time I realized that I was going to die, I was maybe 5 or 6, I cried to my parents about it. They didn't help me much, all my mom said was That's just how life is; Similarly to plants we will all eventually grow old and pass away.

I've no idea why they thought that would be comforting to a small child, but their confirmation just scared me even more. That was the night that I started praying, begging, to the Lord: Please make everyone immortal. I don't want to die, and I don't want anyone I know and love to die. Every night until the eventual end of my faith, I would beg Him over and over and over again. Please. I don't want to die.

.

Eventually, I learned how babies were made, and it confused me. I couldn't understand why anyone wanted kids. If parents loved their children so much why the hell would they subject them to the experience of death by bringing them to life? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

That was when I started resenting my parents for giving birth to me.

.

When I got my first job straight out of college, I was in the worst mental state I'd ever been. I was struggling at work due to my then undiagnosed ADHD and I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't relate and would keep implying that I just needed to try harder. That was the first time the thought dying wouldn't be so bad had ever popped into my mind.

When I realized that it was there, I didn't know how to feel.

.

Seeking out help was hard. Being in a country that doesn't really prioritize mental health as much as other countries do, and being so uneducated about how and where to look, it would take me a couple of years and a pandemic for me to eventually look for a psychiatrist.

My first psychiatrist was a lady who was nice enough, but gave off some slight red flags that made me uncomfortable. Like being 30 minutes late to a 1 hour appointment that lasted for like 10 minutes. And also immediately diagnosing me with ADHD and giving a prescription for Ritalin on our first meeting.

After that experience, I took the meds and it actually helped me with my work. I realized that maybe I did actually have ADHD even though her assessment was kind of bullshit. But because I was so turned off by my doctor I never went back. It would take me 2 more years and a couple of layoffs/terminations for me to seek out help a second time.

.

My second psychiatrist was kind and gave off motherly vibes. She was sweet and understanding and understood my concerns with how quickly my first doctor recommended drugs to me. She made me go through a relatively thorough assessment, that involved getting other people to answer questions about me, and a ton of expensive lab tests before she recommended me to try Ritalin again. She even helped me get a PWD ID so that it wouldn't affect my wallet as much as it would have. I told her about my trouble sleeping, and she gave me recommendations that actually helped.

To this day I'm still with her. And if I'm going to be honest, my productivity at work has improved, and my sleep is at least somewhat controllable now.

.

Looking back at the whole mental health journey, I kinda wish I never found out I had ADHD. Or at least that I never got help for it.

Now that things are looking up, now that I'm in a better healthier relationship with someone I'm madly in love with, now that I have 2 dogs that I care for with all my heart, now that I'm actually becoming happier, the bad nights have returned. Louder. Scarier.

.

When I was suffering, I at least didn't mind dying, you know? At least the thought didn't kill me as much anymore. I was starting to be more accepting of it even though I was still scared. At least I could lean on the thought of when I die, at least I won't hurt anymore

.

Now, I have so much I don't want to lose and so much I don't want to leave behind. So much I still want to do. The older I get the worse the fear has gotten.

And you know, sometimes I think of just getting it over with. I hate the anticipation. The suspense. The sinking feeling I get whenever I realize it could happen any time. If I just get it over with, I'll at least have control of it. I get to decide and I won't have to think about it anymore.

But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can ever be strong enough to do it.

.

.

.

My name is pat and, as of writing this, I am 26 years old. I have an intense fear of death, and I think my fear will eventually be the thing that kills me.

So here are my thoughts, just in case I die.

[undercomfort]

Very weird, the way I came back from St. Paul... better. Not fixed. Maybe not even well. But definitely better. I'm not sure if I left something there or brought something back with me or neither or both. Was there a single moment where the switch flipped? I can't tell. Maybe it was gradual—as gradual as 5 days gets you. And possibly it isn't permanent, I know how this goes. But it's good. It's... better.

I've weighed myself a few times, and I let myself be weighed at the doctor's office this week. I'm keeping up with three meals a day (except today when work schedule did not allow, but I still made sure to eat when I could and not worry too much about it.) I don't think I'm having as much self-hatred, and I'm still not fully comfortable with my body, but I think I'm getting there.

I have a clearer idea of what about my body I'd like to be different, and it's mostly a matter of strength and muscle, and I can think about ways to achieve that without finding myself slipping into the hole again. The surgeon who wants to fix my hernia mentioned the value of losing weight before surgery (if it ever gets approved) and I had to take that at the moment, set it aside mentally to process on the back burner, and then return when it wasn't quite such a threat to my peace. But I did.

And some of what I've been reading lately has been helpful. Oddly, a fiction involving someone working really hard to accept a smaller version of their body without shame, allowing it to be and be valued, is helpful. Even though I'm accepting the opposite kind of body, getting an idea of what that self-acceptance might be or sound like is helpful.

Speaking of shame, I read an article on chronic shame that also seems to be illuminating on the fact of my eating disorder. That article plus thinking about St. Paul, really.

What was it about St. Paul that changed me? There were two major types of shame I expected to experience, after: food and social shame. The way I feel too weird and different and feel like I'm alien from everyone else and that they must know I'm weird, too. And there was a little bit of that, but not much. And there was a little bit of food anxiety, but not much. Even when the witnessed food anxiety was commented on by one of my colleagues and became a running joke, it didn't make things worse. It maybe even de-fanged the thing a bit.

Then I come home and the social shame doesn't set in and the food shame kinda hangs out for a bit and then takes off to god-knows-where and now here I am without both of them.

I want to say there's a link between the positive emotion of an experience and the onset (or delayed onset) of shame, but I don't think the emotion it's linked to is happiness. That shows up in temporary, high-like improvements that fade fast and often crash. This isn't the same.

I wonder what the emotion is. Maybe it ties back to that moment in the hotel bar, laughing with the team and bumping shoulders and realizing (from up and to the left) that I was really genuinely a part of that moment. The way they trusted my work and leaned on it and showed me that they had faith in me. In my head I'm still 7 and being told that my opinions are stupid, but in the moment I'm 29 and my recommendation is being taken without question.

And I wonder if there's something about that that led to this mental shift. That kind of validation leading to a lessening of the shame I often feel I'm drowning in.

For a long time I thought fear was the driving factor in my life, but now I realize it was misidentified shame. (And that shame is the Big Truth we all run from and struggle to look at.) So if I believe that shame is what drives me, might I hold on to it, worried that without shame I wouldn't be driven? Who knows who I'd be without shame? Am I afraid to find out? Why?

I don't know. It feels like the last six months of therapy and internal exploration are starting to tie together here. And right now I'm feeling better. It doesn't mean I can just lay down and think it all fine. I still have to pay attention and do the work and keep building the internal scaffolding I need... but it's nice to be able to do that free of the weight (ha!) I usually carry.

Thank you, St. Paul. I hope I see you again.

[asexualdiary]

Today was my first doctor's appointment to discuss donor insemination.

The appointment wasn't until 3:30 and I was super nervous the entire morning, almost to the point of panicking. I couldn't even tell you why; I felt the same way before I made the phone call to make the appointment however many months ago. But, just like after the phone call, after the appointment I felt optimistic and excited. Weird.

The appointment was virtual and I had to take it in my car during my lunch. The doctor was extremely nice and to the point, which I appreciated. He was making jokes the whole time. He did, however, have a very thick accent which made it kind of hard to understand him. The first thing he asked me was my DOB (as a way to identify me) and then the very next question was, "How old is your husband?" Found this kind of odd as I know when I made the appointment I said that I was someone considering single parenthood, and probably put that in the online check-in as well. But he didn't bat an eye when I told him I was single and simply went on with the process.

Before even telling me anything, he asked me if I had any questions for him. I asked him about coverage and he told me that I will have to call the hospital specifically and then my insurance again (he also confirmed that my employer was definitely wrong/didn't understand last time with the previous info.) So, gotta get on that. This also confirmed that I will definitely be doing IUI and not IVF. They do not even have an IVF program. Apparently there is a 10-20% success rate with each IUI cycle, and most patients get pregnant after 3-6 cycles. After six cycles of unsuccessful IUI, they refer you to someone else for IVF.

We then got into specifics and he told me there are four things I need to do before the IUI process starts:

Ultrasound

Reproductive psychology counseling session (since I want to be a single parent. I guess that makes sense? They wouldn't want to randomly impregnate a single person who is mentally unwell)

Blood work to check for things like hepatitis B, C, etc.

Make sure my tubes are open (I looked this up and I guess it's an x-ray. X-rays are super expensive so yay)

^This all has to be done during the first five days of my period. So once my period starts (supposed to be in a couple weeks) I have to call them and get all this done. Then I have six months from the time of the bloodwork to decide if/when I want to start IUI.

He didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information at once, so we didn't talk too much about the actual IUI process, which was fine with me. One thing he mentioned that interested me, however, is that I have to contact a sperm bank of my choosing and find a donor on my own. Then once I have made a decision, I let them know. I asked him if he could give me some recommendations for sperm banks, and he simply said, "They are all good and we work with all of them," and said to just google some. Alrighty then!

So since I've gotten home I've been searching for sperm banks online (even though I won't have to do that for a while). I'm looking at Fairfax Cryobank, and it's kind of fun to read the descriptions. You get to look at pictures of the donors as children and listen to voice recordings. The sperm costs around $2k so. That's something. Hopefully insurance can help with that as well...?

He said to reach out to him on MyChart if I think of any more questions. Right now I'm just mentally preparing myself to spend a lot of $$$.

Feeling pretty good rn though. I of course don't know anyone who's ever done this, nor can I find many people online, so I guess that's why I wanted to document it. I'm going to try to keep a personal diary about the whole process on here, so I can remember everything. But who knows, maybe there will be something deeply wrong with my fallopian tubes and I can't get pregnant after all. Can't wait until my period starts so I can get the show on the road! (never thought I'd be saying that.)

[paradoxicalcurio]

Okay, let's break some shit down! I recommend just skipping over this post unless you're one of the three dozen or so people with enough personality issues to create callout blogs.

Okay, let's take this apart bit by bit.

>cries about getting blocked, calls it "selfish"

It is selfish. I don't know what the fuck happened to the concepts of communication and respect, but it seems like a lot of people don't follow them anymore in favor of completely avoiding anything that makes them even a little uncomfortable. All I want is the chance to clear up misunderstandings before they explode into situations that draw uninvolved people in. I try to give that to people, after all!

>antagonizes people in IMs people who reblog callout posts instead of unfollowing them

Related to the above point. I definitely wasn't 'antagonizing' or 'harassing' anyone, I was politely pointing out the corruption inherent in callout culture, which so far you have failed to convince me is fake. And if you happen to see this, Soy, just know that it's only a matter of time before someone tries to cancel you.

>brings up neurodivergence for no reason

Bitch, we both know that mentally ill people make prime bullying targets. Don't try to pretend otherwise.

Maybe if you actually read the callouts or followed what you preached you wouldn't be on your 10th block evasion blog.

Why would I want to read a bunch of uninformed accusations based on misunderstandings, exaggerations, carefully cropped screenshots taken out of context, and outright falsehoods? I've seen enough to know the basic formula. And it's quite bold of you to accuse me of trying so hard to block evade, when there was only ONE incident that only occurred because I didn't realize the person, who was following my Nerissa blog, had my OC blog blocked until AFTER the fact, and tried to bring that up only to have the door slammed in my face. There are plenty of other reasons to delete and remake blogs, such as wanting a fresh start, or in my case, because of DEPRESSION. So this accusation only proves my point about misunderstandings and falsehoods.

Maybe don't gloat about following someone who was outed for being manipulative and turn around acting like the people mad at you for going "all callouts bad".

This brings me to another issue I have with callouts: I can decide for myself whether someone is bad or not. I don't need someone who's already biased against the person trying to convince me that they're Satan. And also, you remember that dumpster fire with all the trans women being targeted, reported, and harassed, just a few weeks ago? Yeah, that was callout culture. Even if I believed you people had everyone's best interests at heart, it is way too easy for bigots to use this tool to turn public opinion against marginalized people.

at this rate you're going to defend someone who actually did something akin to sexually assaulting someone with concrete proof-

I highly fucking doubt that. Especially since you people don't care about concrete evidence.

-and then double down while acting smug before deleting your blog and coming back again so all the people who blocked you before need to re-block you.

See my above point, re: more likely reasons for deleting and remaking. And if that does happen, those people won't need to worry, as I'll have already done my part and re-blocked them first.