#would you rather read an Joel & baby Ellie in Boston

[blackberrydeer]

[mihstar]

This constant noise all the time (or 'Ellie dies instead of Joel' oneshot)

Hey! First of all I just wanted to say that I'm not a writer and didn't even intend to post when I wrote this. But yesterday, someone here was talking about the possibility of Ellie dying in Joel's place, and and I said something about this little draft of mine, and two people said to me that they would read it and it would be cool if I post... And now I'm babbling, sorry. Anyway, I hope you like it. @ranna-alga thanks for the boost of courage <3 And English it's not my first language so sorry for any mistakes.

Summary: Winter arrives for the residents of Jackson, bringing a snowstorm, foreigners survivors, and darkness.

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Since a little after Ellie was gone, Joel felt heavier.

He would wake up in the morning, surrounded by the walls of his room. Or sometimes in her place, something he's been doing a lot lately. He can tell Tommy worries every time he sees him walking some nights to there instead to his own house, his little brother thinks it wouldn't bring no good. Maybe it wouldn't. But he does anyway - let the warm scent of the sheets make it's way into his nostrils 'til his body feels numb. - He would eat something. Lukewarm coffe with some old toast or bittersweet fruit. Or sometimes nothing. Some days, he would get up and go through the day. Dutties. Patrols. Plans. And some other days... Some of them he wouldn't even leave his porch. Or the inside of his house. Would be still all day, waiting for it to pass so he could close his eyes again. Sometimes, he has dreams with her. Things they did together and things he wish they did. Those are his favourite.

Another times, he would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and calling for her name in the dark. Crying and sobbing. Skull cracking noises ringing vividly in his ears. Choked throat and heart overflowing with bitterness.

It was strange, kind of.

When Sarah died, Joel closed and locked up himself like a door, becoming a heartless man that would rather spend his time killing his way to Boston and fighting with his brother than to remember any fragment of his dead daughter. But now at the dead of his second one, Joel found himself revisiting all of his memories, fragments, anything that would feel like his Ellie again. Maybe because then, Joel couldn't alow himself to be vulnerable about Sarah like that while trying to survive the first years of the outbreak. Not that he wanted to survive by that time, though. He was trying for Tommy. Now, Joel feels like he isn't quite the same. Part of it is Ellie's fault- That kid changed him in so many ways. That blinding rage that used to take control of his body doesn't make him impulsive like it used to do. Salt Lake is still his last big sin in his history. Instead of, he was letting this, his girl's ghost haunt him 'till the rest of his days.

He's not sure if remembering her stops him from putting a bullet into his brain or just kills him slowly like a cancer. Maybe both. But he can't fucking help it.

He can't help but try to remember every single freckle of her face, the way her little bony fingers would strum the guitar he gave her. He tried to remind himself of every single joke or random facts about space she read somewhere. The sound of her laugh was his prayer that he would imagine in his head everynight. Keep with him like a treasure and make sure he would never forget that sound. He couldn't forget, she deserves to be remembered.

Joel also usually thinks about the day before Ellie was gone too. He wasn't hoping to see her at the Community hall that night when Tommy invited him. He saw her almost everyday, but after their fight, there were times he would look at her and feel like he haven't seen her in ages. Like he lost too damn much. By the years, ellie got taller and her features matured with her age. She lost some of her baby fat and she was beginning to look more like the adult folks in town - even when all Joel could see when looking at her was the little girl following his steps on the road, years ago. His heart aches to think he would never see her turn into the beautiful woman she sure would have been.

Remembering about their last day in Jackson was the memory that most hurts to think about. Because of the fact that, in that day, none of them knew what would happen in the next one. She was dancing with that kid Dina by the sound of a song about God, not having an ideia that it would be her last dance, her last night, her last kiss. If she knew about that, or at least had a bad omen, would she have done diferently and opened up her feelings to that girl before It was too late? Before she would end up being burried in dirt at Jackson's cemetery?

And Snow, he recalls thinking it when they buried her. When he buried her. Small and heavy weight wrapped in a white sheet. Too limp and quiet in his arms when he found it too hard to let go-

When winter arrived for the first time after they settled in town, Ellie would always be a little more cautious about this particular season of the year. Not that she used to say to him, because she didn't. Even If he asked to. He doesn't know if It's because that would be breaking the "tough girl" persona she liked to be, or if It's for Joel's sake: Ellie knew he already felt very responsible about everything that happened after they were ambushed in Colorado, she probably wouldn't want to make him feel worse. So she used to say she was fine. But Joel knew her enough to notice her posture change and her quiet behavior; fingers always moving and the urge to spend more time at home, and not just brcause of the cold. Think about it now, gives chills down to his spine.

Poor kiddo, It's almost like the kid could sense winter smelled like her death. Bright red all over the floor. Bare limp arms as they took off her sweater 'cause they wanted to make sure she was who they thought. Metallic smell invading his senses and his scream tearing his lungs. Strong arms lift and pick up momentum one last time, the wind outside whistling as death opened the door. 'Please she's just a kid!' and 'Ellie, baby, get up' just before...

It's so hard to associate the small body, bloody and shrunken like a fetus on the floor of Baldwin mansion with the green eyed girl in his porch, stabbing his heart with daggers and saying she would enjoy to have him in her life again - even when her heart was still so broken by him. And, at the end of that night, Joel turned off the lights and went to bed, not aware that that would be the last time he spoke to his babygirl. Because her skull would be split in half by a fucking golf club in the next morning.

He wonders if she called for his name at any moment during that. Godammit, she must have been so scared and lonely, Joel knew It. Her whole body must have hurt so much, being spanked in that cold floor, she must have been in so much pain, crying and confused about why those fuckers were doing such a thing. Joel is not sure if those cowards did even brother to explain anything to her. Did she think about him once? Was waiting for him to be there sooner?

Sarah's last (and agonizing) moments of pain lasted a minute or two, and Joel was there with her all the time, holding her and looking into her eyes until any sign of life fade through them like dust. The fact that he heard Ellie's screams even though she was almost dying and too weak to open her eyes indicates that her torture began well before his intervention. And when he finally came to rescue, his body was hold against the floor five feet away from her. And he had to watch her last minutes, unable to touch her, while her body let out one last painful breath. So fragile, so gore and tragic. Like a baby deer slaughtered by a pack of hungry wolves.

And, even at death, Ellie would still be the top of his worries. He can't watch a movie he already seen before cause her reactions were still vivid in his head, neither watch a new one cause then he will wonder if she would've liked or think it's bullshit. He does plays guitar, but doesn't sing 'cause that's something he only used to do to his baby girl. Hurts to be with Jesse in patrol because he looks at that kid and reminds him so much of his own. Seeing other people was the worst part. They laughing. They living, talking, fucking doing things because she used to be one of them. Ellie would be disappointed to see him like this. Miserable, worse than when they met, a dead weight, guilty...

He feels guilty because he knows he is, in fact, guilty. Tommy says other wise, says there's nothing he could've done. You gave her a home and people like me 'nd Maria who truly cared about her. She may have been mad at you at some point and things were not fuckin' great between you two but she recognized that. So now, if you wanna say her death it's on you, go on... that ain't fine by me neither but there's nothin' I can say to handle you of that. But don't say you weren't good to her because we both know it ain't true. Ellie died, Joel. But she had the best years of her life. Accept that, brother.

But Tommy doesn't get it. He only saw these last couple of years, but he hasn't seen all of it. Not they journey, not their start. He never failed anyone.

Joel was her protector during years, he was her guardian, he always had some kind of sixth sense whenever became to that kid, in the road or not. He should've know. He should've done something, somehow prevented that from happening to her. It was him in the first place, those people were there for his sins. Not hers, she didn't have any.

'I will never leave you alone again' was the exact same words he said that day, cupping Ellie's cheeks when that building was almost falling in their heads by the flames. But he did, he did left her. Cold, broken, gone. It was stupid from him to think he wouldn't fail with this kid when he already failed with another one before, and even more cruel to make a little girl believe in a promise he wouldn't keep. She saved him on that winter with all her strength, but he didn't save her in this Winter. If the memories of the girl is not a Cancer to his heart, this thought may be.

Spreading on him like a fungus.

Joel have never been a very religious man, but he likes to think that If there's really a place reserved for good-hearted souls worthy of eternal rest, Ellie is there. Maybe exploring bright sacred places or good memories. Probably even finally being able to meet another girl that both have knowledge of a person in common. Joel is not very sure that he would Join them someday, though. Even If he would like to think about it if he had time. Pretend. Like it isn't impossible.

Because sure as hell would be once he find out the lair of the hungry wolves. Salt Lake City was big sin, but It wasn't his last. Joel was going to make sure It wasn't.

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Iit's not perfect but I think it turned out pretty good as a person who doesn't really have writing skills... Right?🙈 Please share and don't forget to say what do you think about it. @elliespuns Come see this before I regret.

[starlessskies94]

Consequence (Joel Miller x OC)

Summary: What if Joel survived his injuries from the Abby and Fireflies attack but ends up with really bad amnesia. He can’t remember his wife, Ellie, or the Outbreak; only before. How will his family bring back the man they once knew?

Pairing: Joel Miller x OC

Note: Sorry I'm a little late posting an update. After so much sadness, why don't we take a break? We need some cute happy moments...my babies are too sad. :( Here's a flashback that is well needed right now. I hope you enjoy it <3

Chapter Six

The sun had long since set, the night unusually calm and still after a morning spent travelling and walking through the Wyoming Museum that Joel had surprised the girls with for Ellie’s birthday.

It had been fun and Ada had enjoyed every second of it. That was until they’d been separated and Ellie had seen the dead Firefly and his messages of hate and anger towards the group after they’d been forced to disband.

Ada had always wondered what would become of them after Marlene’s death, she supposed now she had her answer.

They’d set up their tents for the night with a roaring campfire burning away in between them as the horses grazed contently not too far away. The older woman sat a small distance from the campsite by the water’s edge of the deep pool flooded into the forest beds. Brown eyes stare into the lazy river flowing through the fallen rocks and dead trees, filtering through the cracks into a string of waterfalls that beautifully reflected in the soft moonlight above.

She watches the water move, her mind completely quiet and undisturbed. It’s strange even now to still have quiet moments like this. She’s so used to running for her life, constantly vigilant for the sounds of nearby infected or potential threats that sometimes find their way through. But now she can relax, she can breathe and it’s glorious. There’s just that tiny nag in the corner of her mind. It tugs gently until she can no longer ignore it. She glances back to the tents, towards the young girl that is currently occupying her mind. Ellie sits quietly by the entrance of her tent, headphones in her ears, comic book on her lap as she idly flips through the pages. While Joel tends to the fire, poking and prodding here and there to keep it burning long enough for their supper to be cooked. She’d made sure to pack enough for the whole journey but Ellie had  chosen to catch a few fish for tonight’s meal, what with it being her birthday and all. And as the teen was quick to remind both her and Joel…repeatedly...

My birthday, my rules.

It was the first time she’d seen it in Ellie’s eyes but it had definitely been there and it terrified her. That doubt. For so long Ellie had taken Joel and Ada’s words as fact, she had never brought up the Fireflies or what had happened in the hospital after they’d left so quickly. After all, what reason would they have to lie?

Ada felt her chest tighten at the thought. What would she say if the girl started asking questions? What would Joel say? For the first time in over a year, she was starting to feel guilty for hiding the truth of what really happened. Maybe Ellie deserved to know, maybe they never should have lied in the first place.

But as she glanced back across at her daughter, the fear went away. She was a mother and it was her duty to protect her child. No matter how old she was. And while she may not have been Ellie’s biological mom, she was every bit a mother to the girl whether they were related by blood or not. She'd raised Ellie from being a few days old after her mother had passed. And she had done the best she could with what she had.

She’s was so lost in her own barrelling train of thoughts, that she doesn’t hear Joel approaching until he sat beside her.

“Hey you doing alright over here?” He asks.

“Yeah I’m fine.” She lies and Joel instantly knows that something is wrong, the concern evident on his face as he leans closer towards her.

“No you’re not. You're worrying.” He says gently. “It's Ellie ain’t it? You saw it too.”

She doesn’t even have to question what he’s talking about. They both saw the look on Ellie’s face when they forced their way into the abandoned building and found the girl stood alone in the dark, her light illuminating the Firefly sign and the dark letters painted below.

‘Liars’

In a way it felt as if the very message was speaking directly to them. For what else could they call themselves for the stories they had spun, for the protection of a girl that they both wanted to save? That they both loved.

Ada said nothing as she moved to rest her head on Joel’s shoulder, the man sighing deeply, lifting his arm to wrap around her waist, his own head then rested upon hers. They held each other close as they’d done so many times before, staring out at the glistering water before them. The soft lapping of the water danced by the edge with the breeze of the night’s air, carrying with it the melody of chirping crickets in the long grass under foot.

“What are we gonna do?” The brunette whispers into the silence settled between them.

“With how things are going; I say we do nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“She ain’t asked about it, reckon there’s no reason to go pulling at strings until it’s time.” Joel reasoned. And he was right, Ellie was happy. She was making friends back in Jackson, learning new skills and discovering new talents. It wasn’t until Tommy had gifted her with a journal for her birthday that she actually discovered she was a pretty damn good artist. She had a bed to sleep in every night, a family to come home to, just like she’d always wanted. It was the closest thing Joel and Ada could remember from before; that somewhat resembled a normal life.

They had structure, a reason to get up in the morning. And it felt good. Eventually they moved from the water. Walking hand in hand towards the fire and sitting together, while Ellie continued quietly in her own little bubble, reading her comic book.

They glanced at one another and in that instant that their eyes met, it was decided they would keep their secret for a little longer. Ellie was happy and that was what mattered to them. Nothing more needed to be discussed.

Joel moved to tend to the burning fire, checking over the fish as it cooked above the flames. Though Ada had to quickly take over when the man sent her a lost look at the state of the food. The older man was talented at a lot of things throughout his twenty years of survival but it was obvious that cooking was not one of them. A trait that Ada found rather endearing about him. To meet this confident, strong and stoic man; only to then find out that he struggled to cook a simple can of soup without somehow managing to burn it to the bottom of the pan.

Although it was considered rather old-fashioned, Ada still enjoyed looking after Joel. After everything he had done for her and Ellie, something as simple as cooking him a decent meal made her feel like she was giving something back. She’d tried teaching him in the early days they’d arrived in Jackson but it seemed it was a skill Joel just couldn’t pick up, no matter how often she attempted it. It was a small thing but it made her feel better knowing that; even if she couldn’t control anything regarding Joel’s safety when he left on patrols, at least he wasn’t going out with an empty stomach.

With the food done Ada quickly served the meal, splitting the fresh fish between herself, Joel and Ellie. Who, as a typical teenager, said nothing as she took the plate from her mother and disappeared back into her tent, comic book under her arm and headphones still blasting in her ears. The older woman merely smiled, taking her seat back at Joel’s side as the two ate in a comfortable silence.

When they’d finished Joel had offered to wash up, a credit to his Texas manners as he moved towards the stream to fetch water. He heated it through after grabbing a rag from his backpack and once again found his place at Ada’s side.

She watched him as he worked, a smile tugging at her lips. It had been almost two years since she’d met this man and she still wasn’t quite sure what she’d done to deserve him.

If she was honest she had never loved anyone the way she loved Joel. It was almost laughable how irritating they once found each other when they'd first met. Constantly arguing over plans, ideas and routes to take to get to their destination. She’d wanted so badly to get rid of this gloomy grump, confident in her own abilities that she could find her way with Ellie on her own. And yet now she couldn’t even fathom the idea of living without him.

“Hey.” She called gently, grabbing Joel’s attention as he glanced her way. “ I wanted to thank you, for all this. Everything you’ve done for Ellie. I think this is without a doubt the best birthday she’s ever had. Back in Boston I could never really do a lot for her. Couldn’t even get her a decent present with those damn ration cards.”

“You don’t gonna thank me Ada, reckon this was good for all of us.” He said, wringing out the rag as he finished the washing up, then hanging it dry. Ada shuffled on her behind, grabbing her legs to cross them underneath her and leaned back on her arms to gaze up at him.

“Yes I do, you didn’t have to do this. And that tape you found her...I mean she loves it Joel.” He smiled at her words, his eyes moving to find Ellie still sat alone with her Walkman.

“You do realise she’ll be listening to that on repeat for months right?” She laughed with him. His face lit up with joy, it was the same feeling he’d felt when he gave her the gift in the first place. The pure wonder and glee when she played it. He looked back to Ada and his heart leaped in his chest when he saw the love in her eyes.

“Well...you know, speaking of presents, I do actually have something else.” He teased with a mischievous grin widening across his face. He kneeled down beside the woman, rummaging through his bag then pulled out a small vinyl cover. Ada’s mouth agape in surprise as she took the album from Joel, a small gasp leaving her, her smile hid behind the hand that rested on her chin.

“Joel...I...how did you…” She uttered, completely at a loss for words. It was a Fleetwood Mac album, one of her favourites in fact. The man beside her lowered himself back down, his hazel eyes level with hers.

“You said they were your favourite growing up, cause of your mom and I found a music store before we left Jackson so I figured...you know…” He explained and Ada was touched by how considerate he was. How sweet. She’d told him the story of her mother listening to the band throughout her childhood and teen years, when they’d first started to soften to one another while travelling through Pittsburgh. But that had been months ago and yet he had remembered every detail. A fact that Ada was quick to point out to him, but he just smiled and shrugged.

“I guess I do listen more than you think.” He simply said. And damn if Ada didn’t fall in love with this man all over again.

“I love it, thank you.”

“You’re welcome darlin’.”

She still hadn’t said the actual words to him yet. Which, when she thought about it seemed so ridiculous. She put the album to the side, unfold her legs and tackled the man in a hug. A reaction Joel clearly hadn’t been expecting as the force of it left them both in a tangled mess on the forest floor. Ada landing on top of him, as he let out a muffled grunt as he met the ground with his back. His arms wrapping around her middle and holding her in place, while hers found themselves round his neck, her fingers brushing through his hair.

“I love you.” She said breathlessly, her eyes never leaving his. She saw his throat quiver as he swallowed hard, his face softened as his calloused fingers caressed against her face. A gentle touch but one that still made her feel warm and giddy. He brushed her hair from her eyes, sweeping the brown locks behind her ear and smiled lovingly.

“I love you too.” He replied. The words said for the first time between them. He moved forward to kiss her, eyes sliding close, noses touching as they leaned closer.

“Oh come on guys!! Seriously?! Fucking gross!” Ellie bellowed, instantly killing the mood as Joel groaned letting his head fall back against the floor, his arms releasing Ada as she quickly scuffled from him and back to her feet. Hand reaching out to help Joel up.

Both adults stepped away from the other, attempting to put the distance between them as Ellie stared them down with a raised eyebrow.

“And on my fucking birthday, what are you trying to scar me for life or something?” She joked. But Ada and Joel were far too embarrassed to see the funny side. The girl continued with a deep chuckle, her tongue sticking out as she gagged and pulled faces at the whole thing.

“Oh man that image is gonna be stuck in my brain forever!” She groaned. “Get out! Get out” She whined tapping her head with her small fist as she squeezed her eyes closed. Turning on her heel and retreating back towards her tent.

Joel awkwardly cleared his throat when the girl had gone, looking anywhere and everywhere except towards Ada. The woman doing the same, her stomach fluttering and cheeks hot from endless blushing.

“Well that was uhhh...unexpected.” The man mumbled. Ada just laughed as she felt the tension melt away between them as Ellie shouted at the two to go to bed and jokingly threatened to ground them if they didn’t behave. Joel just shook his head at the girl and smiled at his love as they called it a night and headed towards their tent. Ellie watched them go and readied herself for first watch, taking the risk to glance through the tent door and seeing Joel and Ada had already fallen asleep. She'd never tell them but it was actually kinda cute when they cuddled up to each other. She was glad they were happy. It was nice.

Yeah  Ellie thought to herself as she settled in for the night.

Best. Birthday. Ever.