#would you rather marry a cinnamon bun or a dumbass

[peony-plum]

Who would you marry?

[words-writ-in-starlight]

The Great Animorphs Reread, Part 8

Book 8: The Alien

AKA “Ax is not to be trusted in public, the PTSD squad learn how Andalites eat, and we meet Alloran-Semitur-Corrass”

We’ll get the lighthearted stuff out of the way first: Ax in his human morph is a delight, oh my God, it’s so funny.  Someone help them, they are trying to manage this shit ALL THE TIME, it’s such a good thing they never teach Ax to drive or they’d never keep him out of the mall.  I didn't talk much in the fifth book about Ax in human morph because...well, beyond the fact that overall that's a pretty grim book (goddamn ants, goddamn Visser One), I was just having a shitty day when I wrote the recap.  I was cranky.  So now we're talking about Ax's human morph and how much I love it and how, even though cinnamon bunzuh aren't really my particular thing (they're SO MUCH FOOD, I can't finish a whole cinnamon bun), I get really excited whenever I see a Cinnabon. Because I am a seven-year-old and still low-key convinced that humanity's great gifts to the galaxy will be the cinnamon bun and the M&M.  Like.  Just saying. Also, it's hilarious to me that it apparently never occurs to Marco's dad—having raised Marco, of all people—that 'No' might be fucking with him.

Relatedly, these books are so serious, so heavy, but they’re never grimdark the way, say, the Dark Knight or (hissing) Supernatural are.  They have these moments where it’s like Yes, these are children, so they are going to act like GODDAMN CHILDREN and smuggle their new alien buddy into a movie because that’s what they’re going to do. And I love it, I live for these moments where the Animorphs get to be kids, where they get to complain about the fact that Ax tried to eat cigarette butts rather than about the fact that they almost die on a regular basis.  Jake even calls it out explicitly, says that they almost died against the Visser's Veleek (and yes, I will eventually do a recap of the Megamorphs, and probably the various Chronicles) and they deserve a damn break.  YOU ARE CORRECT, JAKE, perhaps you should do a movie night?  I'm committed to the movie night thing.  Like.  They do a movie night.  When Cassie's parents are out or something.  Otherwise I can't live with this.

My third and final light-hearted note: the dinner with Cassie’s parents. Like.  Oh God.  RIP Cassie’s parents’ respect for Jake.  I mean, on the one hand, hard same, speaking as someone who believes that hot sauce is a blessing to us all, I too would probably blow through three bowls of Cassie’s dad’s chili with total enthusiasm.  But on the other hand…like…can you imagine the conversation between Cassie and Jake where she goes, “hey, heads up, next time you see my parents you might be expected to eat a whole bunch of five-alarm chili” while Jake, who I imagine does not so much live for spicy food, winces in advance. Also, I’m convinced that the reason Cassie’s parents are convinced by Ax’s shaky Jake impression is because Jake is usually so stressed about being around his girlfriend’s parents that he doesn’t even speak.  They have no comparison point whatsoever.

Well.  Now that we've done the fun stuff.  This book is very depressing.  Because, first of all, AX GODDAMNIT I LOVE YOU BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING.  And yeah, yeah, the Prime Directive, less-evolved species, blah-blah-blah, but THIS IS A WAR.  Like, I love him, he is my blue alien son, but he also needs to pick a goddamn side.  Through the whole course of this book, when you really get a look at his thought processes and the sheer amount that he's hiding from them and the way that he almost...disregards the lives of the Controllers who will die as the price of 'striking a great blow against the Yeerks', I really want to smack him.  

Now that I’ve gotten THAT off my chest, let me clarify again that I would die for Ax in a heartbeat.  Like, he is a small baby alien who’s lightyears away from his home and his family and his entire life and like I just want to hug him and let him talk sadly about his moons and his brother and his family. But also.  See above.  And then of course this is the book where he DOES pick a goddamn side and that's even MORE distressing because Andalites are dicks and basically excommunicate him for fighting to save Earth.  This poor kid.  I don't think Andalites hug, do we ever cover that?  Regardless, this kid needs a hug.  Maybe the lot of them can cuddle at that movie night.  I am 100% sure that Jake gives great hugs.  And Cassie can probably cuddle like a motherfucker.

Ax tells the Andalites that it was him and not Elfangor who shared the morphing tech because he can’t stand the thought of Elfangor’s name being disgraced. If you, dear reader, want a quick peek into my reaction every time I read that part, picture a dark-haired woman clutching her phone to her chest and going Nooooo my blue boy my poor loyal baby you’re too good for them. In other news, I am a shell of a person.

Sooooo. Alloran-Semitur-Corrass, War Prince of the Andalite fleet and unwilling host of Visser Three.   This is where we first meet Alloran, and it is terrible. Like, yes, I get it, Alloran was high-key a war criminal before the whole...possessed by the battle-leader of the Worst Aliens Ever™ thing, but then again none of the Andalites are exactly clean-of-hand in this whole thing, and Alloran at least acted with good intentions—although, good intentions, road to hell, et cetera.  (Oh also buckle up for when I talk about the goddamn Hork-Bajir and spend, like, All My Time kicking Alloran around like a soccer ball). And being infested by a Yeerk is a punishment worse than death as it is, never mind being infested by a Yeerk who habitually gloats about killing and infesting your whole planet by using you as a weapon.  Like, no one deserves that.  No matter what he’s done.  Alloran is such a damn tragedy.  It always kind of breaks my heart that he asks Aximili to kill him (speaking of LOOK AT YOUR LIFE moments for Ax, because...like...I get why he doesn't, but it would be a mercy to kill Alloran, and Ax's whole voiced logic is 'but you're an Andalite' and that's...not the issue here, kid, although to be fair Ax is alone on Earth and Alloran is the only other one of his kind, I’m so sad). And it always REALLY breaks my heart when Alloran tries to bring his tail blade to his throat and he's too weak to manage it.  So, basically, TL;DR: I am perpetually fucking distraught about Alloran-Semitur-Corrass.

Fuck the Andalite home world.  All of them are dumbasses.  That's all I have to say.

Seerow's Kindness.  So, the law of Seerow’s Kindness is the Prime Directive, its text goes something like “thou shalt not share technology with [insert culture here]”.  The Prime Directive focuses on noninterference generally, whereas Seerow’s Kindness is about technology, but that’s just semantics.  The critical difference here is in how the culture views breaches of the edict.  The Prime Directive is treated more like a suggestion, to the effect of “hey, maybe don’t hand a warp core to a species that’s still figuring out the internal combustion engine or that shows some megalomaniacal tendencies.”  EVERY Fleet captain breaks the Prime Directive at least once, and many of them more than once, when it seems necessary to save lives—as long as a case can be made for their actions being intended to help people, Starfleet tends to let it slide.  On the other hand, you break Seerow’s Kindness?  You get fucking excommunicated, and the Andalites have used it as an excuse to be totally hands off the galaxy.  And I get it, the logic behind both of them is pretty sound and based around situations exactly like the Yeerks.  But…look.  Out of all the species in the universe, none of them are without violence and war—even the Pemalites doubtlessly had a messy history before they evolved past it. Seerow just had the tremendous misfortune and ill-thinking to offer his great kindness to parasites—not symbiotes, parasites.  The host gets little to nothing out of being infested.  And those are the creatures that Seerow just…handed faster-than-light travel.  My point is a lot like Marco’s, in the end.  It’s a failing of the Yeerks that they’re inclined toward empire, not of the generosity that Seerow offered them.  “Your boy Seerow wasn’t wrong.  He just helped out the wrong species.”

Finally: fuck the whole bullshit superiority trip that this whole race is on. My precious blue boy Ax too.  He kind of gets it beaten out of him by prolonged exposure to a bunch of angry young human soldiers, but the other Andalites are just.  A bunch of dicks.  They believe that they’re the commanding center of the universe, that of course they have to keep their technology out of the hands of other races too primitive and foolish to handle it. There is a level of astounding narcissism inherent in the belief that they are singularly responsible for the Yeerk threat.  Are they responsible for Yeerks spreading like a virus through the galaxy?  Um, yes. Are they so universally powerful that it’s their responsibility to protect the galaxy from itself, and their right to judge who lives and who dies for the greater good?  Um, no they are not. And that’s the thing.  The Andalites, when informed that the Yeerks are on Earth and threatening an unprepared population, throw humanity to the teeth of the Yeerk Empire as a stopgap, because they are so married to their grand plan and their law of Seerow’s Kindess.  So just fuck that arrogance straight to hell.

OKAY BUT ON A STILL-EMOTIONALLY-RUINOUS BUT SOMEWHAT LIGHTER NOTE, that last call between Ax and the Andalite homeworld is so fucking upsetting, oh my God, bury me. He tells Head Councillor Lirem about Alloran’s message to his family (wreck me) and he talks about how the Hork-Bajir might have been saved if the Andalite forces (including Lirem) had fought for them, and honestly kind of gives him a very stiff and polite dressing down (MY SON I AM SO PROUD). And Lirem goes <You’re just like your brother> and of course Ax is very proud of that and anyway, I’m dead, just put me off to the side where I won’t get in the way.