#would that job have given me time to pursue my hobbies

[eggsistential-basket]

wish i could see every possible path my life could take and see if i should have been an avian cognitive scientist then gone back in time to be an avian cognitive scientist

[redflagshipwriter]

Red Hot Ghouls 10 2/2

Masterpost

Jazz’s roommate Tiffany was fine and all that, but Danny didn’t feel that he was missing out on much when he phased from the stairwell directly into the little ensuite bathroom that connected to Jazz’s bedroom. He could hear quiet conversation from the living room– the TV, maybe?

But Jazz had clearly locked her bedroom door before she left. Danny made a note that Tiffany definitely wouldn’t be finding him and then he starfished on his sister’s bed. He set an alarm for 1 am with a smidge of guilt. It probably wouldn’t wake her up. Maybe she wouldn’t even stay home for the night, she had a boyfriend, right? Or was she the one with the girlfriend who worked downtown?

Whatever. Danny slept like the dead. In fact, he slept through his alarm and woke up to see 7 messages from Jazz. The one showing on the screen was “DANIEL FENTON Tiffany thinks my bedroom is HAUNTED because someone is snoring in there.”

“Oops,” Danny said under his breath. He opened up the clock app and made sure that the alarm wasn’t going to go off again. He quietly pulled open Jazz’s drawers to find a clean pair of socks and a hoodie that didn’t have his university name written on it.

The first thing he pulled out was a baby pink hoodie that had SQUAT written on it in white all-caps print. “I sure do,” he said to himself, and changed into it. It was a lie. He did not lift weights. That was Jazz’s hobby.

He did enjoy the thought of how pinched her face was gonna get when she saw him in her clothes. Danny had a little chuckle over it before he phased back out and nearly fell down the staircase. His arms wheeled for balance.

When he caught himself he looked around to be sure no one saw. The zone was clear. Danny smirked.

“Another perfect landing for the Phantom.”

Oh, duh. That was a thought. He didn’t have to hoof it.

It was dark enough that he reconsidered his plan to walk to Arkham on foot and ducked back into Jazz’s place to transform where no one could see the light show.

He made good time across the stretch of ocean that separated Jazz’s dream job from the rest of Gotham City. He knew where to go, based off of insider information.

Jeremy Waters had landed himself in Arkham, rather than standard criminal housing, because he would not shut the fuck up about the debt the Ghost King was going to owe him and how he would repay it in the blood of everyone who crossed him or whatever. He was in the low security end, given that he was just some dude, but Danny still spend a moment steeling himself to wake Jeremy and (ugh) talk to him.

‘He’s going to take this as positive feedback,’ Danny thought glumly. ‘He’s going to think he’s gotten something in his obsession with me. He’s probably going to be even more annoying.’

He wasn’t entirely sure that Jeremy’s focus on gifting him spouses wasn’t projection. The guy was kinda obsessed.

The weight class difference between the two of them was just absurd, metaphysically speaking. Jeremy was a 52 year old Poli-sci graduate who had ditched a middle of the road career in the Foreign Service at age 40 and started pursuing immortality. Midlife crisis and all that. He had a bit of boxing experience, but that was it. He was just a human guy.

Danny was king of the dead and he could shoot lasers from his hands. He was strong even for a ghost.

‘It’s pathetic that he creeps me out still. It’s just such bad vibes to be pursued by this old guy who won’t take no for an answer.’

Still, gotta do what you gotta do. He blew frost into the room to set a mood and scramble the fuck out of any surveilance equipment. Then he grimaced his way through calling out, “Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy!” until the jerk woke up.

…and immediately started genuflecting. “My lord Phantom,” Jeremy whimpered. His whole body was shaking.

Danny wished it was fear. But no. It was excitement, like he was some freaky little purse dog. He shuddered. “What did you do differently in your latest summoning?” he asked. His voice somehow came out cold and superior.

He could see Jeremy’s dazed grin even when the guy was still looking at the cell floor. “I am so glad that you ask, my lord,” he babbled. “I increased the number of ritual participants from 7 to 12. I changed from Kosher to Pink Himalayan salt. I was initially going to offer my humble self as a sacrifice-”

Danny’s stomach lurched.

“But when the Red Hood burst in, I knew that it was a sign!”

The red what now?

“Surely someone whose aura is so soaked in death and brutality would be a flavorful meal for one so horrendous and deathly as you, my Lord,” Jeremy babbled on.

Danny made a face.

‘He thinks I’m going to eat the sacrifice spouse?’ Danny paused. ‘...Was he lying, or does he want me to eat him? What does he think will happen if death eats him?’

He had a morbid curiousity that made him want to ask. But it was probably best not to know. He needed to sleep at night.

“It was the Pink Himalayan salt that was powerful enough to draw my attention,” Danny told Jeremy, because he really didn’t need any good information. “I reject your offering. Stop trying.”

He left immediately in hopes of not hearing the wailing and gnashing of teeth behind him.

[frodo-with-glasses]

Where have you been?

Uhhh, France?

(That’s a Hamilton reference, btw. I have never been to France.)

So! Another Hobbit Day is upon us. On this day last year, I’d promised you all that we would take another trek through LotR, with all new drawings and poems and fanfics. I fully expected to be finished with Book One by now, at least halfway through FotR. What actually happened is that the blog struggled through the first five and a half chapters of the book before suddenly going radio silent.

So what happened?

Well, as you might expect, real life happened. I won't go into the details here—since it has nothing to do with LotR—but I can explain in DMs if anyone is interested.

Basically, a change in my family led to a reexamination of what I thought I knew about my family, which led to a reexamination of what I thought I knew about myself, which kicked off an intense period of self-improvement.

Over the course of this past year, I began to unpack my family's abuse; I learned about boundaries; I started to unlearn my old people-pleasing tendencies; I reconnected relationships that were broken, reevaluated ones that were in the wrong place, and cut off ones that weren't good for me. I discovered there was a little kid in my head who's been waiting years and years for an adult to love her, and to take her needs seriously, and I finally have the chance to be that adult. And I'm happy to say that I've come to a place where I feel safer in my own head than I have ever been.

Probably very little of that is going to show through on this blog. It's all inward stuff; foundational stuff. But one thing that might affect you guys is that I left my (dreadfully overstimulating and stressful) part-time job, and I'm now working full time somewhere else. As much as I love what I do for a living now, working 40 hours a week does mean that I am become Boring Adult who does not have as much time for interneting. With my current schedule, there is no way I'd be able to sustain the intense schedule of "must post one drawing a day" that I had in the early days of this blog; and I don't expect myself to.

But! I would like to—slowly—get this train rolling again.

I find it hilariously apropos that the last piece of art I posted on this blog was of Frodo suddenly disappearing. From Merry's perspective, he completely vanished without explanation or warning. From your perspective, so did I.

But I find myself here again, on another September 22nd, and once again I'm beginning to feel that pull; that pull to read, and draw, and create, and share, and laugh with all of you. Life has calmed down enough for me that I once again have the mental space to think about pursuing my hobbies. There are so many things I want to do—so much to do with the time that is given to me. And I want this blog to be on that list.

My current goal is to post some new book art every other day. If that's too much, I'll adjust it. But if I find my groove and really get into it, who knows? We might return to your regularly scheduled Daily Dose of Frodo-With-Glasses. We shall have to see.

Anyway. If you've read this far, thank you! If you've stuck with this blog since the early days, thank you. And if you are one of that lovely core Fellowship that has had my back and prayed for me all along, I cannot thank you enough.

This past year has been an absolute ride. Not as difficult as a trek to Mordor, maybe, but not easy either. But no matter where I walked, I knew I didn't have to take the journey alone.

Anyway! Enough sappiness. Happy Hobbit Day! I'm excited to see what the next year has in store for us. 💚

[uva124]

ASHA (MY AU)

Emmmmm how the hell do these types of blogs get started?

This post is just going to be me rambling on about what I want to do with Asha.

So let's get started?

INTRODUCTION: -As I said before I'm still developing this story (damn I don't even have an outline) but I wanted to start this rewrite (or plan it a little) because of something that really frustrates me about Wish, literally in a movie that commemorates 100 YEARS OF THE MOST IMPORTANT STUDY OF ANIMATION IN THE WORLD and the topic of art has not been given the importance it deserved, you know? It's like, yes, Asha shows her sketchbook in certain scenes, but then what? It literally seems like it's just for decoration, damn, Disney could have done the same thing as with the Miles Morales sketchbook in Spiderverse, but I'm already getting distracted from the topic, so one of my goals with this was to emphasize how important art can be , and not just the drawing, but all the forms that exist of it.

-So Asha is a little different from previous Disney princesses.

2. HISTORY:

CHILDHOOD: Yup! I'm joining the angst ship, I don't really blame anyone *cough* *cough* Flicker *cough* Bo *COUGH* *COUGH* ANNY *cough*, damn my allergies are getting worse. So Asha at this stage is quite cheerful and positive, basically like Rapunzel, Moana, Anna and this princess trope, however this takes place in the modern world (the movie would be set like in the princess and the frog movie only the world It's a little more modern) Asha discovers her passion for drawing, and as she grows up she wants to dedicate herself to that and is full of a lot of dedication and determination, but what would happen if we corrupted her dreams?

PUBERTY: “It's fine as a hobby…but it won't work Asha”, “Don't you like doing other more…useful things?”, “Come on, you have so much talent, are you really going to waste it on this?” , “Have fun without having a future” “Really this is more important than your other things Asha?” ,Yes, I am adding this, Asha wants to dedicate herself to animation, so Asha at first, like every Disney princess with character, ignores these types of comments, which came from anyone in general, some said it with good intentions and in a calmer mode and others in a more aggressive way (you know, being idiots), but when you receive this type of comments your entire life, it will somehow affect the protagonist, and it will only get worse *Insert evil laugh*

ADOLESCENCE: I didn't mention it but I plan to include Asha's family, or at least at the beginning, she was living with her parents Sakina and Tomas as in the official movie (I'm still debating whether to add Sabino or not), her father gets sick as in the original movie, so Sakina and Asha do their best to help him, then Asha has less and less time to concentrate on practicing drawing and in general her hobbies (I also want to emphasize that here Asha was doubting more and more about drawing as a professional way and started to despise her talent a little bit, not completely but that little seed had already been inserted in her head), her father was her biggest motivation, he was a dreamer like his daughter, her mother was more down to earth but equally supportive of her family, Tomas was always the first to see his daughter's drawings.

So continued the life of our protagonist, studying, working a little and drawing in the little time she had, and in those jobs she met Magnifico and Amaya, I'm still debating how I'm going to write them, but I'm sure I want them to do a scene with Asha that I'll explain later, for now let's continue.

One day Asha's father can't take it anymore and dies…….. all Asha could do was watch her mother running to her room because she really didn't want her daughter to see her in that state.

With that you're probably wondering, “Well, Asha can get a motivation to keep being a dreamer and pursue her dreams to follow her father's legacy rigth? “ Well actually………no, Asha in my Au unfortunately had already endured TOO many comments that referred to her dreams of being an entertainer or artist, even her mother had referred to it in a not so positive way (no, Sakina is a good mother, she's not perfect, but she cares like every mother about her daughter's future) , and without her major support in life, that…..eso ended up deciding that she would just give up on those dreams… or at least until a certain day.

CURRENTS: In the movie Asha is presented as a girl who studies a career that she does not like for the most part, but she says to herself “It's too late to redeem herself, there is no turning back, I just have to continue and everything will be fine, for me and my family”, she also works as an assistant to Magnifico and Amaya, during years of having met them she was getting closer little by little, in fact they knew the protagonist's family for some years but they had distanced themselves, they also “tried” to help with Tomas' illness, but as it was shown before that did not work out, now they gave Asha this job opportunity and she is not going to waste it, since she still has to help her mother.

Let's say that Asha doesn't draw much anymore, she still makes small sketches because, well, when you are really passionate about something you keep doing it despite the adversities, right? Even unconsciously (you're understanding what I'm trying to say, right? ), besides, it's not like she still deep inside has not stopped wanting to fulfill her dream, although she every time says that making drawings will not lead her to anything or just saying “it's a hobby that will not lead me to anything useful or important” is just to have a constant reminder that she might not make it, that it's not worth it, that no matter how much she loves to create and draw, it just doesn't make sense anymore.

Remember I told you about a scene between the villain duo and Asha? well this is what I have in mind:

Asha somehow or another is going to end up asking Magnifico and Amaya for help, which would lead to Asha maybe not working with them anymore or something so she can pursue a small glimmer of hope of fulfilling her dream of being an animator (as I say before, this post is just me rambling), the villain duo simply proceed to manipulate the poor girl by making snide and manipulative comments about her “insignificant goals” and her “wasted talent”, if Asha herself was already quite doubtful about these issues, this just makes her worse, she's lost, she doesn't know what to do, she's afraid of her future, she doesn't want to let her mother down, she doesn't want to end up being a disappointment (maybe I overdo angst, it doesn't matter, it's important for ✨character development✨).

Now a multiversal cosmic thing happens (that I'm still thinking about) but the point is that my Starboy (Haedus) and his 2 protégé/small brothers (Nembus and Naos) arrive, at first Asha is VERY SCARED AND CONFUSED, I mean, this is not possible right, she must be confused from crying so much - I mean this only happens in the movies and fantasy stories she saw as a child right?! (lmao)

At first she doesn't get along with Haedus, not at all, with the little ones at first she is a bit distant, but little by little she starts to develop a great appreciation for them, the little starlets (and then Haedus) throughout the story bring back to Asha that dreamy and positive side of her.

Also Asha is not the type of person who makes derogatory comments when it comes to the goals or dreams of other people and her friends despite having received them all her life, no, she is not that type of person, of course everything she has lived through makes her more sarcastic or pessimistic at times, but she doesn't want someone else to feel like her, she doesn't want anyone to go through what she went through, and this is only reinforced with the arrival of the stars.

I have to mention that Nembus and Naos make Asha remember how she was as a child: cheerful, positive, dreamer, and seeing how the antagonists want to hurt them, how that can destroy the hopes and illusions of the little stars, that just makes her more determined to defend the little ones at all costs.

“They still have dreams, and they can still fulfill them, that's why I won't let others destroy those dreams, not like me.”

3.PERSONALITY:

-Sarcastic -Negative to a certain extent -Empathetic -Indecisive -Calm -Organized

FINAL COMMENTS:

That's all I have for now, I hope I haven't bored you, as I said before, this is all just my rambling, I still don't have an outline or plan for this, anyway, I hope you had a good time reading this, see you next time!✨✨✨

[rabbittwinrithings]

An Announcement

(The announcement below is copied from my discord)

   Hey everyone! This announcement has been a long time coming, I’ve just been pretty busy these past months. This announcement will have some good news, but also, some bad news. 

   First off, the good news: 

   End of last year I graduated from college and a few months after I got a new job! I had to move to a whole new state and it’s been perhaps one of, if not the, best experience of my life. This job has been amazing. My new place has been amazing. And just my life in general has been amazing! I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so content in my life! Sometimes I’ll just start looking around and be struck with disbelief that things turned out so well for me. Basically, I got a really nice job in writing and I couldn’t be happier! 

   With this new job, it has also given me time to discover old and new hobbies such as writing my own new material, reading, and I’m getting back into playing/running Dnd! (And once I get my hands on my sewing machine next month you better bet I’m gonna start sewing again!! And get back into cosplaying!!!) 

   But with this all new amazingness comes with a down side. My new job offers little time in the terms of modding. By the time I’m done with work I’m usually exhausted. (this may also be health related which I’m trying to figure out, but we’ll see.) And on the weekends I find myself looking for new hobbies. 

   Let me rip the bandaid off real quick:

   For now, I will no longer be working on my mods. That doesn’t mean I hope nothing new comes out of them. I’m still hoping to make an announcement later that may open up *some* of my mods for fan made expansions (if users wish to do so,) but I’m still trying to get all that sorted out. There was a lot of update work being done, and I’m still figuring out what to do with it. 

   I also still love seeing mod patches like replacers, translations, and such (like always, just shoot me a message first so I know they’re coming out.) 

   This also doesn’t mean it’s forever over. One day, I may return, but for now, I’m stepping aside.

With that sad news said, I want to let all of you know what a ride all this has been! I first started modding because I wanted to find a creative writing outlet, then it turned into realizing I could make a portfolio for a future career with it, and then, finally, I realized how many people enjoyed my work. There were a lot of times where I self doubted whether or not I was a good writer, but seeing the overwhelming support over the years for my art has helped me get over that. My final years of college weren’t great, and modding and you all helped me through the vast majority of it. Because of all that, I want to thank each and every one of you for your support!

   Now, just because I’m stepping away from modding doesn’t mean I want to stop creating. Like I said, I still love writing in my free time, so maybe in the future I can post various personal writings I make here. 

   And with that, once I get everything figured out about the future of my mods, this server may be taking a shift in a new direction from being solely about Sidekicks of Tamriel, but just as a general Rabbitt Winri server and whatever personal projects I pursue in the future. (I will also be changing my various social media accounts accordingly too.)

   Once again, I cannot thank all of you enough for what you’ve done for me! None of this would have been possible without you!

[idyllic-affections]

HIII!

What are your thoughts on Kaveh's childe being a dancer??

I'm kinda self projecting on this one bcs I like to dance myself (mainly kpop) but I wanted to know what you thought of that ☆(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*

(Sorry if it's not clear/understandable english is not my first language (ʘᴗʘ))

what if kaveh's child wanted to be a dancer?

summary. how would kaveh react if his child wanted to become a dancer?

trigger & content warnings. no applicable warnings.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff. adoptive dad!kaveh & reader, nilou & reader, cyno & reader. 0.6k words. they/them pronouns for reader. this post is an expansion of what if kaveh adopted a child?

author's thoughts. don't worry, dear!! your english is great, no need to apologize <3 this idea is so cute tbh. i love the idea of kaveh's kid being artistic. every time i get an ask like this one, it makes me so happy. it's so cute to me! artistic kaveh and his artistic child <33

in short, kaveh would wholeheartedly support his kid.

that is a given, of course—he's probably sumeru's most supportive father, really. he only wants his child to be happy and healthy. anything his kid wants to pursue, he's right there cheering them on, doing whatever he can to help them research it or gather materials for it. whatever it is that their interest demands, he will do his best to attain it. thankfully, while kaveh is broke, alhaitham has the mora to fund their interests and does happen to have a little soft spot for them, so he gladly does so when kaveh cannot afford to. he doesn't make kaveh pay him back, because really...

alhaitham has long since accepted that he is, in part, responsible for [name]. he is one of their caretakers. it is his responsibility to help enrich their life.

cyno also has the mora to help out. like haitham, he has a soft spot for them, so their hobbies are usually funded by either the scribe or the general mahamatra.

(cyno isn't supposed to fund their artistic hobbies, but we'll explore that idea later on in this post.)

kaveh does worry, however.

i've always imagined that kaveh adopts his child a good while before the sumeru archon quests—several years, at least. if his child wanted to be a dancer... well, he'd do all he could to protect them from the akademiya, sneaking them into zubayr theater so they can watch all the performances that their heart desires (and he also loves watching the theater, so it's something he's glad to share with his child). i imagine that cyno would find out about this eventually. as a matra, it's his job to... stop it, or discourage it at the very least. he has to uphold the akadmeiya's rules. he has to.

...he just cannot bring himself to do it, however. the way their eyes sparkle when they watch the dancers preform... archons, the thought of betraying the trust they have put in him, betraying the trust he's built with them by caring for them in their younger years, it greatly unsettles him.

he can't crush their soul like that. he's very relieved when the sages get overthrown. he would never want to do anything to hurt them, especially when he knows that his actions will undoubtedly be harmful. trust is a fragile thing. it can only be built up after months or years of hard work, yet can shatter in a fraction of the time.

the general mahamatra is just... so, so relieved that he doesn't have to hide them from the sages anymore.

his nibling's (gn alternative to niece/nephew) passion is not something meant to be hidden.

can you imagine nilou teaching them to dance, though? i think it'd be very cute! she'd totally do it if kaveh ever approached her and asked.

she would love them, gently correcting any missteps they make and excitedly praising them when they master a difficult choreography. nilou would think of them fondly, like a little dance apprentice! she's not quite mature enough to be seen as a mother figure, however. she's more akin to another big sister to them, like collei.

(i also like to think that, in a cruel twist of fate, [name] eventually gets a hydro vision, as if the hydro archon's gaze was always cast upon them even after they left fontaine. nilou would be the one to teach them how to use it, teach them how to associate it with better feelings and memories. <3)

when sumeru comes out of its oppresive state and the arts are welcomed as they always should have been, [name]'s lil found family will all attend their first official performance with nilou. nilou wouldn't let them perform prior to that out of concern for their safety.

kaveh, alhaitham, cyno, tighnari, and collei really are their greatest cheerleaders in life.

adoptive dad!kaveh taglist: @kaoyamamegami, @zeldadou, @bebobeboben. send a non-anonymous ask to be added. please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[red-moon-at-night]

Currently concocting the most self-indulgent 'normal' Milgram AU in the world right now... I am going to make these fuckers Found Family and give them a chance to come to terms with their situations and themselves... 

All through the power of a goddamn fish shop/aquatics store.

Hear me out okay:

So we know that from his interrogation questions, Kazui has a childhood friend who he looks up to, that has a boat and if the world ended tomorrow he would go fishing. He mentions to Mikoto in a timeline conversation that one of of his hobbies is trawling. I am taking these facts and running with them like my life depends on it.

In this AU everyone lives in relative proximity to each other (I will have to think about exactly where later) and are all in different stages of their ‘sins’, but notably no one has actually killed a person.

Kazui is a widower having a midlife crisis at 39 and taking time off of work/leaves his job altogether to pursue something new - like helping out his childhood friend with his fishing-store-come-fishkeeping-aquatics-shop. Yes it’s weird that it’s both but it brings in more footfall and more customers (is what his childhood friend tells him). It becomes a bit of a running gag. Kazui also starts running martial arts classes in the evenings because I can totally see that being something he wished he’d done instead of... whatever his old job was. Anyway, he’s depressed but somewhat happy doing the things he loves.

Meanwhile over to the left we have Haruka finally being discharged from a psychiatric unit on a community treatment order (yay!) Part of that community treatment order includes a program where individuals volunteer in the local community with partnered businesses... Haruka picks the fish shop, obviously. But he’s getting paid for it, because Kazui is not about to agree to free child labour. So Haruka gets a job!

Cue a journey of self-discovery in which Haruka learns he is actually not useless or a burden to society. He can do things? He’s been given responsibility? And he enjoys it?? Mind blown. Kazui is there to support and encourage along the way. Just wholesome all around (except for the trauma Haruka has to unpack about his mother and her fish tank ohoho-)

Haruka is the first kid Kazui ‘adopts’. The second kid is Muu who wanders in the shop one afternoon, missing a shoe and has a thousand-yard stare in her eyes. We then have this scene: Kazui asks if she’s okay and she eventually replies something along the lines of “yeah I’m fine I just tripped while trying to catch up with a... friend” and Kazui then asks if that’s why she’s only wearing one shoe and if she needs a spare and she says “no I just forgot to put it on until now thanks for reminding me” and takes a shoe out of her bag and puts it on. Kazui decides she’s exactly the right kind of person for Haruka to practice his social skills with and gets him to go over there and help her out. They awkwardly talk about the betta fish tank they’re standing next to. She leaves. She comes in the next day and says she’s decided to set up a new tank at home could she get some help with supplies. The rest is history.

Muu starts skipping school and hanging out at the fish shop, to get away from her... situation at school. She still hasn’t talked to Rei since that day in the bathroom. Kazui is slightly concerned but also isn’t a snitch and would’ve bunked off school as a youth so is pretty chill with it as long as she’s safe. The fish crew is born.

Some extra very important bits of lore:

Kazui takes Haruka on dad-and-son fishing trips.

At some point Kazui ‘adopts’ a third kid except it’s actually his child from a fling about two decades ago. It’s Yuno. He doesn't actually know he has a kid until her mother gets into contact with him, saying her daughter wants to meet her biological dad can she please come and see him. Kazui has an existential crisis. Kazui agrees. They set up a date and he's asking his fish shop crew about what kids their age like and learning very little because he’s taken in two very weird teenagers. Muu does end up telling him about brands of makeup/clothes/perfume/etc. that girls like, which of course is all expensive and possibly designer.

So yeah Kazui and Yuno meet and she runs circles around him. She's her wonderfully sweet but cold self. They talk about his dead wife and he is dying inside. They exchange contact numbers and emails. She wants to see him again which surprises Kazui because that's Not the vibe he was getting from her.

The university students exist and they all go to the same one. For now it’s mainly Kotoko and Mahiru lesbian hours. She’s a law student, and she’s a literature student, sharing a class (maybe linguistics) and slowly becoming aware of each other’s existence. Mahiru likes girls but she doesn’t know it yet. Mahiru sits on campus and does a bit of people watching, writing stories inspired by what she sees - and maybe one day she sees Kotoko doing her vigilante shenanigans and falls a little bit in love. Kotoko is oblivious to this (is what she tells herself). They end up working on a class project together and become weird friends. 

Kotoko is very much doing her side gig of apprehending criminals and punching the daylights out of them. No deaths... yet. She wants to improve her technique so starts going to the martial arts night classes run by Kazui. Mahiru eventually ropes into watching one time so she can make notes for action scenes she wants to write. She also ends up joining. It's fun!

Haruka also learns some martial arts with Kazui, having one to one sessions before classes start. It’s good for him, to get his pent up anger out in a non-destructive way, to redirect all that energy somewhere. He’s scarily good. This results in him building the courage somewhere down the line to join in on the actual classes, at least every now and then. He and Kotoko spar and it impresses her just a teeeeeny tiny bit.

[moonstruckme]

Oh babe I read your post about graduation and life after. I FEEL YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I’m graduating Friday and I pursued a film degree in a city with little to no opportunities for that industry. Don’t know why I did that. Sorry to my parents who sacrificed a lot to put me through school. Moving to a bigger city is not an option bc I can’t afford it. Might be moving back in with my parents might not be. Everyone is asking whats next for me. Girl idk. I’m stressed I’m anxious. I hate it here. The real world sucks and I just want to skip over all this character building stuff and get to the part of my life where I’m happy with a career and can actually afford groceries. Sometimes I wish my dreams weren’t as big.

Hi gorgeous! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I promise your degree has value whether you feel like you can get a job out of it right away or not, and I won't pretend to know how your parents feel but I doubt they would have sacrified anything if they didn't feel your education was worthwhile. Graduating from college is a big deal nonetheless ! We both know I'm struggling with this too but I have some pieces of advice that have been given to me and I've found helpful if you want them <3

Obviously, "almost no one works in something related to their degree" is a really disheartening thing to hear, and I bet you've been hearing it (like I have) a lot lately. But what I think the people who say that are trying to convey is that there is no shame in just doing a job that makes some money (and preferably also makes you happy), and sometimes that financial security can help you pursue your dreams with a bit more surety since you're no longer trying to find a way to eat at the same time.

A few months ago, I talked to my mom about how guilty I feel about potentially not being able to get a job relevant to my degree after she helped put me through college, and while I know not all parents feel the same way about this, I think she made some great points. She said that college is about learning how to think, and your education and the experiences you've had in college will always be valuable no matter what job you end up with. And did you have a good time? Did you like learning all those things you did about film? Did you meet some cool friends, or get to talk about your interests with people who get it? If so, none of it was wasted.

It's so, so easy to feel pressure from others when you're trying to figure out your life post-grad, but in my experience most of that pressure is really internal. People ask what's next for you because they're interested, not becuase they have any one specific path in mind, and the vast majority of the time if you seem happy, they're happy. If you're not happy, fuck it! Then your priority should probably be getting to a place where you are happy, and those conversations really don't matter when you've got bigger fish to fry.

Last thing, but as someone also struggling to re-orient herself in her life plan, I've been taking a lot of time to figure out my priorities. I kind of got stuck in this idea of what my life was going to be, and once that seemed less certain I started questioning what I wanted if I didn't have to do that. I'm making a pinterest board (always my first course of action haha), and it's helped me figure out that whatever I do, I want to be around nature and books, and to live in a mid-size city. Figuring out what I need to be happy has really put things into perspective for me, and I'm sorry I don't mean to assume we're in the exact same mental state but I just want to give you all the stuff that's been working for me in case any of it fits into your situation too.

You can still use your passion in film while working another job, or use that job to save to move to a larger city, or maybe even reflect and find that you're content keeping the film thing as a hobby and there's something else you enjoy doing for a career (I know how heartbreaking that can sound when you love something, but that's how writing has turned out for me so I just wanted to put it out there--feel free to reject it of course). For me, trying to open my mind to all the possibilities and re-evaluate what I want from the next few years has been super scary but also kind of exciting, and I hope that whatever happens for you you're able to find happiness in the big and little things. Wishing you all the best my love!

[arcane-vagabond]

✨

Okay, so kind of a personal post, but I wanted to get my thoughts down, and I will end up deleting this later lol

For my whole life, I have loved books and stories. I have literally been writing stories since before I even knew how to read and write. Somewhere at home is a picture frame that my great-aunt put together of a drawing I made when I was like two or three, and it was a sloppy finger painting, but it's clear that it's meant to be two people and some kind of creature. And she typed up a caption for it, and I guess it was the description I had given her of what the painting was supposed to be.

"A prince saves a princess from the scary dragon, and they live happily ever after."

Not my best work, admittedly, but it's the first documented time of me making a story, and I looked at that picture frame with fondness. Who knows where it is now, probably tucked away in some box in the attack after my parents moved.

But, then I got super into writing in like the third grade when I came up with my first original story, and then my love for writing snowballed from there. I can't tell you how many stories would flit in and out of my brain over the years, but somehow I think y'all have an idea just based on the ideas I pitch on here. But, just know that the ones I put on here are only a fraction of the ones I come up with.

I don't know why I'm so in love with writing and stories exactly. Maybe it's the thrill of making my own worlds where my problems aren't so present and overwhelming, or maybe it's because I love to find the magic in different possibilities. That sounds kind of smarmy, doesn't it? But, I think it's still true.

But, something that's been part of my personal journey as of late is the idea of doing things for myself and not others. My whole life, I've been such a huge people pleaser, and now at my big age, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like that anymore, but I'm faced with the problem of: how do I stop?

I'll start off by saying that I love my parents a lot. They've made a lot of sacrifices for me and they do a lot for me, and I'm forever grateful to them. But whether they meant for it or not, there was a lot of pressure to be a certain thing growing up. I could have hobbies like writing, acting, painting, drawing, singing, etc. But I had to be realistic, and that meant that I wasn't allowed to pursue those things as my main goal. I had to find a way to stuff myself into the box of "STEM, business, or something that would make money." And I get why. Financially, life was rough for a really, REALLY long time growing up. Both of my parents came from households where their parents worked more than one job to make ends meet, and this was back in the 60s and 70s.

So, for most of my life, I allowed myself to have those hobbies, using them as an escape for the growing pressure I was feeling at needing to be "perfect" for my family. And that's just it. I was never "perfect" enough. I could have won first place at a tournament for speech and debate, and I would be given critiques on how I could have done better. They always told me they were proud of me, but the word "but" always came after their words of praise.

"You did such a good job, but..."

"That was really good, but..."

"It would have been even better if you just..."

I didn't hear the words "I'm proud of you" by themselves until I was 12 years old and it was from a family friend. I remember waiting for the "but" to come, and when it never did, I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom.

So I escaped further into my little worlds, and sometimes I would share them with my friends who would always tell me that they loved my stories, but there was always the nagging feeling in the back of my head that they were lying. They had to say that because they were my friends, but also because the stories weren't...perfect.

I've always been a perfectionist, and it's something I'm learning to get over as time goes on. These past few months have been such a journey for me because I've been allowing myself to be bad at shit.

But then I started posting on here, and it made me feel so good to know that literal strangers thought my writing was good too. You guys didn't have to lie to me and tell me that it was, you genuinely thought my writing was great! And it makes me so happy! It refueled my love for writing, and I hope I can keep writing for years to come!

But I've also been telling my mom about all of this (leaving out the 18+ bits lol) and the other night she looked at me and asked me if I had considered actually getting a story published.

Now, this was a bit of a blow for me for a couple of reasons. Yes, I'm so happy that she's finally taking an interest and seeing how passionate I've always been about writing, but...

But why now? Are you asking me that because you genuinely think I'll get published, or are you asking me because you're hearing that people actually really appreciate my hobby and you think I can make money off it? Why are you suddenly so enthusiastic about something I've made clear that I always wanted to do?

Idk, I'm probably just overthinking the whole thing, and I know she's genuinely happy for me, but it still kind of heart. Yeah, the dream is to one day be a published author. It always has been, but who knows if I'll ever finish anything good enough to be published, ya know?

Anyway, if you stuck around this long you can breathe out a sigh of relief lol I'm done rambling and ranting for now. I'll get some of the updates out to you guys when I can

[housetykayl]

Hey there! First time running into your account, and by God! I love your Starfire content! One burning question - since we know Starfire is a model under the alias Kory Anders, what do you think that life as a model would be for her based on her character? How would she handle clubs/parties? What would her IG handle and followers count be? What would she model for? How would she cover up her superhero identity given she’ll be followed by simps?

I'm not going to pull any panels for this because I'm feeling very lazy! I love this question sm, though, because Kory's modeling career is very interesting to me + inspired me to pursue my own for a time!

Kory is only incognito as a model very early on in her career and, at some point, the Wolfman-Perez team quietly dropped that aspect and any time she was modeling, she was openly herself w/o anything covering her eyes. her career isn't really touched on much outside of the handful of photoshoots we see--like her early denim photoshoot, a beach shoot with Donna, etc.--and also outside of her being recognized by the press for both her modeling and her status as the resident alien princess superhero on Earth (which is why Dick, instead of Kory, is almost always incognito when they go out together after a certain point in NTT and then New Titans)

as for her life as a model: Kory is 6'4" and, in most depictions, is thin in the extreme meaning she would have no trouble finding editorial work and walking some of the most high profile shows. her modeling career isn't super serious in the comics, so I don't see her modeling for most of the year but she would absolutely end up being the muse of either an established or up-and-coming fashion house. she's not a model you see in product photos, she's a model you see on the cover of Vogue, a model you see in editorials in local and international fashion magazines, etc. etc. her career would be relatively easy in that she doesn't have to go looking for jobs and she probably doesn't have to go to casting calls (which are literal hell sometimes). I think modeling would be like a fun hobby for her more than a job because she doesn't have to do it all the time and would get the highest paying jobs, which supplement her income for most of the year.

her IG handle would probably just be @ koryanders or koriandr because, as mentioned previously, she doesn't seem to have a ton of interest in covering up her identity. she's definitely one of the models that has upwards of a million followers because she's been on Instagram FOREVER and I think she would eventually go on to do public speaking which would draw even more people to her page. I also don't see her going to parties/events beyond the requisite events or events that she personally is really drawn to. meaning, she's going to go to after parties and she'll go to events thrown by friends or by her agency or to events that she absolutely knows Donna is going to be at but I don't think she would be interested in parties that strangers throw, ykwim?

I think that she would eventually form her own sort of mother agency, while still modeling for the agencies she's signed to, as a means of providing younger models with an opportunity they may not otherwise get.

[nathaniel-zellos]

Questionnaire

Thanks for the tag @davycoquette sorry it took so long to fill out. XD

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

It’s just a hobby for me. When I was younger I had wished for it to be a way of life but things change. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

Definitely a journal full of notes.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

I don't think I have a specific person or object

4. Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

…is this a trick question? Personally, though, it’d have to be them listening to me sing, since I can be a bit tone deaf on vocals.

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

Somewhat. It hasn’t changed my personal opinions on certain things, but has allowed me to understand why certain people are the way the are.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 and FFN, though I plan on migrating to just AO3 soon, what with all the outages and bull that FFN has.

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

43,384 and counting. As with most everything else, it could always be bigger.

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

It’s hard to pin this to just one piece that did grip me. If I were to name a few from my childhood, I would have to say the Wishbone books, the Fablehaven series, and the numerous sets of the Warriors series. Everything I've read, watched, or even glimpsed has had some impact on my writing, whether it was for inspiration on plot development, fantasy aspects, or character growth (to name a few relevant ones).

9. What's the highest compliment you've ever been given, and have you been given it?

Honestly, it was from my Junior High/High School English teacher, who told me I should pursue writing as a job choice. I didn't think much of it at the time cause I had other matters to deal with (namely the American education system's standardized testing bull), but it does pop back into my head every now and then.

10. What defines your writing style?

Personally, I don’t know. But close friends of mine have described my style as “Pain. Lots of pain.”

Open tag, and here's the blank template.

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

4.Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

9. What’s the highest compliment you’ve ever been given, and have you been given it?

10. What defines your writing style?

[piggyinparadise]

Thanks you for tagging me  @earlgrey-lateatnight  💜 sorry I took so long

Do you make your bed? Yes I do! I helps me to start the day in a better mood. 

What’s your favourite number? I really like 9, maybe because of my date of birth? 

What is your job? I’m now a freelance designer. After spending almost 6 years working as a designer for the human rights and culture areas of my city's government.

If you could go back to school, would you? I don’t think so. I enjoy learning, but I prefer to pursue it as a hobby during my free time rather than dealing with exams and homework

Can you parallel park? Yes and in a very unpolished way 

A job you had that would surprise people  I worked in hardware store for a couple of summers when I was a teenager.

Do you think aliens are real? The universe is enormous so anything is possible

Can you drive a manual car? Yes, I believe it's mandatory to learn how to drive manual cars in Argentina in order to obtain our licenses, but afterwards, you can use it for both types of cars.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Eating gummies maybe?

Tattoos? No, but I like them on other people! Maybe someday a matching one with my sister. 

Favourite type of music? I like so many genres but based on my last year Spotify I’ve been listening to a lot indie (indietronica as well), modern rock and pop.  

Favourite colour? I don’t have only one, but I’ve always liked lilac.

Do you like puzzles? I love word puzzles

Favourite childhood sport? Tennis and hockey but I weren’t into sports as a kid.

Do you talk to yourself? Yes, all the time. In both English and Spanish

What movies do you adore? The ones that come to my mind now are Billy Elliot, The Parent Trap and Back to the Future II.

Coffee or tea? Depends on my mood and the people I’d share it with.

First thing you wanted to be growing up? Oh, definitely like the Olsen's 😂 but then I wanted to be a vet or supermarket cashier (I had my own cash register toy given as a Christmas present when I was 6)

I'll tag @okaydays @mostlypisces-blog @unfortunate17 no pressure at all and sorry if you’ve already been tagged

[creator-indy]

Either all of the questions (I like them all shghsds) or whichever ones you like for Sheila (or anyone else if someone asked about her first) in the oc interview ask game?

Most of these are gonna be answered by Sheila and by me btw

1. Describe your appearance. What do people notice first about you? Are there any aspects of your appearance that you hide from others?

I am a modified shyster model the only aesthetic differences i have from other shysters are my longer hair and my need for glasses

She also has a beauty mark on her right cheek

2. Describe your personality. What are people's first impressions of you Are there parts of your personality that they keep hidden? How hard is it for others to get to know you?

Is this honestly relevant information for an annual interview?

This is where I come in

I would describe her as a quiet introvert but with a dry sarcastic edge

3. What is your occupation? (job/school/duties/etc.) Do you enjoy it? What would be your ideal occupation?

I’m currently employed at cogs inc where i work as a supervisor for a regional manager who’s been quite bothersome for my boss as of late as for my enjoyment of said job…it pays so that’s about as much enjoyment I’m going to get out of it (come on Sheila that’s a lie)

As for my ideal occupation… I would like to work as a criminal prosecutor

4. What do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or special interests? Are there any activities you’d like to try but don't have enough time/resources for?

I prefer to read in the lawfices with what Little spare time I’m given and there’s… something I would like to try but…it’s not relevant to my work so I’d rather not answer

she has a tiny crush someone she works with~

5. Where do you live? Do you like it there? How do you furnish/decorate your personal space?

I live in an apartment complex for lawbots just outside the coal and Ice district and It’s furnished as needed im not home very much anyway

6. What is your family situation like? Which family members (if any) are you closest to, and which ones do you have conflict with?

I’m an only child and my parents are alright I speak with them every once in a while

7. Who are the most important people in your life? Do you have any close friends? Are you in love with anyone? Do you have any enemies?

I think this is irrelevant for an interview to ask

Okay her parents I guess are important but she ain’t that close to them nor doesn’t she have any friends or enemies she does have some feelings towards a certain witch hunter but she is denying it HARD

8. What are your best skills and virtues? Did these come naturally to you or did you have to work hard to achieve them?

I’m quite knowledgeable in criminal law despite being a corporate lawyer and yes I’ve studied long and hard with what little spare time I’m given

9. What are your worst flaws and weak points? Are you working to overcome their flaws, or do you let them fester? Is there anyone you rely on for help with their weak points?

…i dont have any weak points

She has anxiety when it comes to crowds and shes to married to her work to the point where she sees anything outside of suit life as Irrelevant

10. What are your goals? Do they set long term goals for youself or do you prefer to live in the moment?

I want to pursue a career in criminal law and prosecutor at some point but unfortunately law school isn’t affordable as of now which is why i applied here so i can save up for it and no I don’t have enough time to “live in the moment” as you put it

[alexadavas]

The Butterfly Who Unfolds Her Wings

A simple, selfless, social butterfly, but an ambitious girl as what they perceive, yes, it is me. I'm Alexa Mae Canaria Davas, 18 years old, a first-year civil engineering student at Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Valenzuela. I'm one of the Dr. Pio Valenzuela scholars for batch number 26 as well.

To be honest, there's nothing special about me. I'm just a typical girl with a lot of pressure and expectations. Why did I say so? I'm the first, or, should I say, the eldest, child of my parents. I have two siblings who are 15 and 5 years old. I've also been an academic achiever from kindergarten until senior high school. Since I am the first child, I have many responsibilities to fulfill. I don't want to fail. I'm scared of failing in all aspects of my life. It would be my biggest downfall. I don't like being a disappointment to my family or, most especially, to myself. My parents did not pressure me that much. In fact, I'm the one who pressures myself since I expect more of myself. I don't have a lot of talents and skills like others do. But I can sing, dance, and make everyone feel wanted and appreciated. I don't want to see people left behind, since I know that kind of feeling. My hobbies are just reading books, watching Asian dramas, and making some fictional stories or quotes about life if I have free time. During my senior high school years, my professors often praised me because of how I constructed words in every essay or other written activity. I don't know, but I like expressing myself through writing rather than being vocal.

I am an ambitious girl, but honestly, I don't know what career or what I want to become. I want to be successful, but I don't know what my dream is. I have a lot of dreams, but I can't see myself in those fields. One thing that I am sure about is that I want to become a cardiologist if I'm lucky enough. If fate allows me to. I want to pursue being a doctor, but sadly, my parents can’t afford for me to study at any private medicine school. Every decision I made was influenced by other people. To tell you the truth, there's no chance that I decided for my own. Taking the course as a civil engineer is not my first choice. It was my third option. I took the STEM strand as my senior high school academic track at Our Lady of Fatima University. For the sake of improving my mathematics skills, I can draw houses too, but I am not as good as others. My parents and relatives want me to study engineering since that’s the only course they can afford and since I’m just about to study at a state university. They also said that engineering can make me successful too since it is in demand and a high-paying job. Given the factors I have mentioned, I considered just taking civil engineering because it was aligned with my senior high school strand, even though I doubt if I can. Every night before entering college, I silently cry since I know that I can't be an engineer because I'm not that "good" at mathematics. and I have no interest in the engineering field. I know for myself that I will be struggling.

This course is very challenging, and it really affects your mental health. There's been a lot of change for me since I started studying engineering. Back then, it was not okay for me to just get at least a passing score because I am a competitive person. I can't afford a low score or grade. I'm always aiming for a high grade. But now, just a passing grade really makes me happy already. I started to like my course, although I was scared to take it before. This course really taught me to be a risk-taker, to believe more in yourself, to study harder and harder, and that it's fine to cry. This is such a fulfilling course that I don't want to be an irregular student and shift to another course next year. I will strive harder to graduate from this course and be a future civil engineer in the near future. I know I can since I have my family, friends, and God by my side.

Shifting from an online class to a face-to-face class again is quite hard. It seems like a new experience to me to be back in a normal class after almost 3 years of online classes. Most especially, you have to maintain safety protocols, and your actions are limited, unlike pre-pandemic. My coping mechanism with this kind of setup is that I have to socialize with other people, but I am still reminded of safety protocols like wearing a face mask and keeping a social distance. Additionally, I'm teaching myself to do group study with my friends and classmates because I was used to studying alone rather than brainstorming, and I'm starting to build my self-confidence in public speaking after not being exposed to other people during lockdown.

To sum it up from this blog, you know the half-side of me. How I chose what course to take in college and my coping mechanisms during the shift of classes from online to face-to-face. To everyone who will be reading this, I hope I can inspire and motivate you that not all the time, what we dreamed of is really meant for us. We need to see the bigger picture, to be practical, and to transcend the things that limit us from being a better version of ourselves. Let's be risk-takers and not be afraid of what lies ahead.

[hellfiredemon]

15 people, 15 questions

tagged by @cuoredimuschio 💞

are you named after anyone? My English name comes from a Diana Wynne Jones’ character, like a straight up kid's book. My Chinese name is really embarrassing. It comes from a historical figure. My dad came to the US for his education and his father was resentful that he wanted to immigrate here and would not be able to spend as much time with his family in Hong Kong, so when my grandfather chose my name, he named me after a historical figure who was given away to* barbaric foreigners.* I want to change my name to something else but haven’t and only my relatives in HK call me this but I haven’t been back in so long so it doesn’t matter as much.

when was the last time you cried? About a month and a half ago, my friends put down their dog and Facetimed me so I could say goodbye to him.

do you have kids? Nope and can honestly say I’ve never wanted to have them. I understand from an aging standpoint that it makes sense to spawn a caretaker but I don’t think I’d be able to care for another human being like that, I can barely take care of myself and my dog as it is.

what sports do you play/have played? I dance a lot now, but I don’t compete so I don’t think it qualifies as a sport. In school, I did track and field, volleyball, and tennis.

do you use sarcasm? Frequently, but I’m also embarrassingly earnest about many things as well.

what's the first thing you notice about people? Probably how they dress, groom, and carry themselves and whether they seem comfortable to be in public or not.

what's your eye color? Brown

scary movies or happy endings? I don’t really watch horror, but maybe I do prefer scary movies because I like a lot of movies that are a little uncomfortable to watch, where you don’t know what will happen in the end. When it comes to movies, I think I’m ok with having a bittersweet or even unhappy ending, probably because movies tend to be shorter and less immersive for me. I guess I don't need a happy ending for me to enjoy something but the story's gotta be compelling.

any talents? I can whistle through my teeth, am an adept conversationalist IRL, and am good at interviews and general corporate bullshittery, which I think is how I’ve managed to stay employed but do very little work 🤐

where were you born? The US Midwest! But my parents moved a few months after I was born, so I never really lived there.

what are your hobbies? Reading, dancing, calisthenics, drawing, strategy games, playing with my dog, hiking, and admiring art, zoning out, floortime

do you have any pets? Yes, the love of my life and warmer of my cold feet, a 3.5 yr old muppet-ass looking border collie-poodle mix named Charlie. I couldn't figure out how to put a picture between the numbered list so his pic's at the end.

how tall are you? 164 cm 🥞 my mom's side is short 😔

favorite subject in school? English or history. I loved reading books and stories and talking about them, and still do.

dream job? I don't want to work, and don't dream of labor. The closest thing I can think of working for the US govt's Digital Service, which probably sounds crazy but I think at least that way I'd get to use my skills for something useful. I’d be perfectly content to pursue hobbies the rest of my life. I fantasize about moving to a country with universal benefits and not having to worry about the numbers on my paycheck and do something I actually think is good for the world or just work on art or dance full time. I wanted to be a mail carrier for a long while, walk around the city all day and listen to books or music and deliver people’s letters and meds and stuff, but you also have to deliver shitloads of stupid ads and bills as well. I think if I ever save enough money from my dumb corporate jobs that I still might try to work for the USPS. I don't know 15 people, tag yourself if you want to do it!!! And here's my lovely boy!!

[courtingchaos]

.

I am staring down the barrel of 35. It’s a loaded gun but there’s no finger on the trigger yet. It inches closer every year but turning 33 means I can feel it pressed into the bridge of my nose. Cold but warming to my touch.

I don’t know what to do about it because I never thought this far, at least not realistically. Objectively I’d have had a degree in fine arts and I would be story boarding my own show right now. I would have toiled away in Orlando or Anaheim at a Disney studio until I’d had my million dollar idea and I’d be making my own Steven Universe or Over the Garden Wall. Being weird and artsy would have paid off and I would have made friends in the right places and I would have been able to show everyone that I did know what I was talking about, thankyouverymuch.

I went to school. 4 times actually. First time for art and I failed out of two math classes. Second time for English and I failed out of one of those math classes again. Third time was the charm I thought and I ended up not going back to my culinary class because they got rid of my chef. Fourth time was for carpentry and I got sick of listening to old men tell me what I was going to have to put up with on sites so I didn’t go back when the semester ended. I don’t think I’m built for school, the thought of it terrifies my little mammal brain. The only time I ever wanted to pursue anything I was told I’d be a starving artist and I let any of the threads of talent unravel.

My whole life my parents have always told me that they support me. I’m an only child who’s always been a homebody so they never had anything to worry about. I didn’t sneak out, I didn’t party, I didn’t date anyone until I was 16. They’re proud of me but every time I’m home I’m asked when I’m going back to school. When I’m quitting my job that I hate. When I’m having a kid. A lot of questions from people who have given me, in writing and words, their pride.

In my daydreams at 15 I’d said I wouldn’t get married until I had a degree and I wouldn’t have kids until I had a career, until I was stable in some way. It’s fun getting to your thirties and finding out your mentally unwell and then all the pieces fall into place. A lot of what ifs and could have beens if my brain worked correctly. I think a lot about things I wished I’d done when I was younger and I realize I never could have done these things because it was just never in the cards. People talk about a squandered youth when they mention parties and friends, trips for nothing other than to drive somewhere for the day and I want to cry.

I have a squandered youth and she’s holding the barrel to my nose for all my regrets. I’ve been angry my whole life and I’ve never found peace with it. It’s never carved a home out in my chest to lay in, to rest in. It paces tirelessly through my ribs and makes my chest ache. It blurs my vision and makes my thoughts run quick while it hangs like a ghoul in the background of my life. I joke that I do all things out of spite but it’s not a joke anymore. I spitefully get out of bed every day. I spitefully do my job well. I spitefully try to curate my hobby and hone my craft. I spitefully keep friends in my life to prove to myself that I’m not as miserable as the girl holding the gun to my face likes to make me think I am.

I am tired and I am unfulfilled. My life feels too small for my body, or maybe my body is too big for my life. I feel like Alice growing out of her home, arms pushed through windows and legs out the front door. I keep growing in weird spots and no one knows how to help me least of all myself.

All things through spite though. I’ll break out of the house and I’ll slap the gun away. I’ll wrangle my youth into a bear hug and when she least expects it I’ll put her in a headlock and we can start this whole game again when 40 is coming down the line.