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thehomelybadger · 2 years ago

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26 Questions about Run at the Cup.

Hi!

Since I just finished off my 33 chapter Arcane/CaitVi Hockey AU fanfiction, I asked folks for any questions that they might have about the universe (or just for me) around the fanfiction. So I thought that I'd pull them all together, answer them in one big post, and then direct folks here.

These questions are mostly pulled from twitter or discord, and are asked anonymously. If you're new to it/have never heard of it, you can check out the fanfiction here:

My asks are always open if you want to pepper me with more questions - I literally love talking about my process and creating stuff. But yeah, let's get the ball rolling!

These questions have spoilers up to the epilogue (chapter 33) of Run at the Cup.

One of your original goals for RATC was to include a sex scene in every chapter, and you later decided that didn't suit the story that it ended up being. How far, exactly, did you stray from that goal?

I think the first disc stuck to the format of smut-a-chapter pretty well, but as soon as I got to chapter 7 and 8 in my planning, I really had to take a step back from the idea of smut-a-chapter. Part of doing that was a friend of mine pointing out that another fic - breakneck - already was a smut-a-chapter offering, and the other part was around chapter 7 and 8 was when we really got a look at the Landsman abuse and I wanted to focus more on telling a story of healing instead of a sexual relationship. It felt the best narratively for Vi to take a step back and appreciate boundaries, and at that point we were 100% of the rails of the original vision. I also had my friend Felix - he drew the art for the fic - point out that the story was way more important than the smut when I complained that sometimes I just wasn’t feeling up to writing smut.

Caitlyn obviously makes a point to never sleep with another hockey player except for Landsman and Vi. Vi rather vocally does not have that rule. Are there any players we see in RatC that she has a history of that nature with?

Ahh, crucially, Caitlyn and Vi both adhere to the rule of no teammates. I actually think both have had flings with hockey players, but probably not anyone that we spend much time hanging out with. I hint at Sarah Fortune and Vi having a past-tense fling that I never really expanded upon, and at one point I wanted to write some Caitlyn and Evelynn one night stand stuff that never really felt right after I abandoned the whole smut-a-chapter premise.

There are so many characters in ratc, and so many povs, how did you get into each of their heads and give them all their own voice that stayed consistent throughout the story?

So one of my other hobbies - other than hyperfixating on a fictional hockey team - is dungeons and dragons as a forever DM. My rule for creating NPCs is to give them a ‘pillar’ - essentially one solid character trait that I can lean back on when viewing things through their lens. Claggor, for instance, was always trying to teach and never raised his voice. Poppy was always going to be cheerful and loyal. Leona was always serious, except when dealing with Diana. Mylo was never serious, until there was a weak moment. All of those ‘pillars’ helped shepherd me in the right direction - the only characters I didn’t really have a pillar for were the hockey announcers, who’s entire personality can be summed up as ‘hockey announcers’.

When did you realize this was going to become Big™ , or was this all the plan from the beginning?

If I ever knew when anything was going to be big in terms of wordcount, I’d be much more successful at writing. The real time I knew was somewhere in Disc 2 when I had written like 3 10k+ word count chapters in a row. I remember thinking ‘oh, shit, I’m fucked’. What’s crazy about this is that I still feel like I left some story threads on the table - I could write 80k more of just Sumprats shenanigans, easily. In terms of Big as in popularity - dude I have no idea when I knew. I still don't really believe it.

Which was your favorite smut scene to write?

Oh man - hands down the hotel smut scene in the Summer Isles - though that’s technically cheating, because the smut doesn’t actually happen. But I can see it like a shot in a movie - the slow tracking shot over the discarded clothes with some energetic, strumming guitar over top while we see the bed come into frame, the pan over and continued tracking towards the bathroom - all this evidence of wild sex. If the question is ‘which smut scene that’s actually smut’, I’m going with the phone sex scene - it was good to finally get these characters admitting how much they liked one another.

How did you pick and choose which LoL champions (not from Arcane) you brought into your world? As there are so many available and ones you picked seemed to work so well. Was it 'character is hot/cool and I just want to write them', 'I need a champion that would play hockey/act in x way' or any other way

A variety of reasons! Illaoi was included solely because my wife thinks she’s super hot, but for me it became characters I really liked, characters I could see the personality of, and characters I could ape the kit of in some way. Ahri being charming and evasive, Illaoi’s tentacle-like poke checking, Diana being good in close, and Leona being a hard hitting defender were all nods to the league kits, among others. Basically, when I was filling out the roster and was out of Arcane character slots, I started grabbing characters based on what role I envisioned for them on the team and backfilled from there. I’m glad I did their personalities justice!

I'd love to know, if it isn't a bother for you to explain it, the process behind you deciding each character's position on the ice and skillset. I'm basically in awe of how you took each character from the show/game and made them each a particular type of hockey player. But you might have talked about this already so no worries if it's too repetitive!

It all depended on what I wanted to write for the most part, and I approached it from two angles - what was most interesting for me to write dynamically, as in action wise, and what was most interesting for me to write emotionally, as in what they brought to the Sumprats as a whole. I leaned on a lot of sports knowledge that I’ve accrued over my 31 years around the sun, and figured out what archetypes would be most fun and narratively satisfying to convey. So, as an example - Claggor’s soft and assured ‘we’re gonna get you out’ from the show was a big big reason why I made him an enforcer - the quiet confidence and clear smarts. Poppy being undersized but a major bruiser in the game led to her entire personality and playstyle. Ahri being a winking and confident figure in LoL lore led to her being a flashy and charming person with a lot of scoring - etc etc etc. It came together fairly organically!

If you had to pick another sport as the medium to tell the story, which sport would it be? Ik you were intending on making it a hockey story with lesbians vs a lesbian story with hockey, but do you think the sport and play of hockey specifically were integral to how to told the story/the journey of the characters?

This is such a tough question to answer, because I’m not sure I could’ve told it with any other sport. Hockey is inherently chaotic, and the beautiful thing about it is that it comes down to players - you can have a grand strategy, but sometimes it’s just ‘our player is the best on the ice’ and that’s enough. I think there’s probably a pretty awesome Rugby story in here, maybe - or football/soccer - I can see their roles with Caitlyn as an attacking midfielder and Vi as a sweeper or something, but both of those are far more team focused. Also, hockey is lesser known of the major sports, and I felt like talking about how goofy it sometimes is to folks who might not know about it.

What did you learn during/after writing this that you didn't expect?

Such a good question. I learned that I love writing big casts of characters and I learned that I have a knack for conveying what I see on the page. I also learned that I can tell a story that goes every way possible in terms of POV and style, and that having a bunch of threads to tie up is an awesome problem to have. I also learned that I’m somewhat fragile as a creator, and that taking steps to protect myself from having my feelings hurt doesn’t make me selfish - just makes me human.

If you had to support a team yourself (not including the Sumprats), who would you support and why?

Can you imagine Bilgewater Schooners twitter? Can you imagine how batshit insane it must be? I’d be 100% on board with that franchise.

Why wasn’t there more Grapes content?

You all weren’t ready for it. The world still isn’t ready.

Is there something you wished you could've explored more but didn't get the chance?

So many things. So so many things. This is why RATC is crazy to me in hindsight because I felt like I left a lot of meat on the bone when the fic is like 300k long and is one of the longest CaitVi fics around. SarcastCity and I joked about a whole sequence where Mylo strikes out with a bunch of women, I didn't get into the Evelynn sub-sub-subplot, I barely scratched the surface on MOST of the K/Da stuff that I wanted to do, CaitVi adopted a dog at one point, there was an entire anti-police side of the fic that I just cut because it didn’t really fit into the vibe of the fic (you can still see foreshadowing of it in early chapters), there was originally going to be an entire other side to the water reparations where we’d see grainy footage of Silco and Cassandra arguing about it and that’s how a lot of it was revealed - before I decided to make Powder more of a central figure in the documentary. The entire fic changed in a bunch of little moments. Art is cool that way - it kinda leads ya where you need to go sometimes.

Who was someone that you enjoyed writing a lot that you didn't expect to?

When I put Graves into the fic, I never would’ve expected to fucking love writing him as much as I did. As soon as I wrote his first book snippet, I knew that I needed to stop immediately because if I wasn’t careful he’d take over the entire fucking fic. Second place was every scrap of podcast content - it’s so addictive to write this meta-narrative bullshit about your own world building. It’s just giving you a reason to talk about your own fic in universe and I had to stop myself from writing 13 more Taylor Swiffer sequences. Lastly, twitter was always a blast to get going. Shout out to everyone who loaned me their likeness for that!

You’re a pretty big basketball fan Badger, and knowledgeable at that, is there any reason you chose Hockey besides you also liking it? Like, did you feel the “action” would be better?

There are no sanctioned fistfights in basketball, which was a huge L. In all seriousness, I considered a basketball fic before going with hockey because, while I love basketball with my whole badgussy, hockey has so much more meat on the bone with regard to playstyle and expression. You have hitters, shooters, goalies being weird, you’ve got gum chewing angry people and hockey stadium chants. Hockey is a vibe that I really was excited to convey, and basketball - to me, anyways - has less of a physical aspect to it and it’s a little less entertaining to write about. Baskets happen all the time in ball, but in hockey, a goal is celebrated by everyone on the ice, everyone gets a fistbump, and the action stops while the crowd gets to rewatch it over and over. You don’t get any better than that for narrative drama.

You've talked some about the sumprats superstitions, but who is the most superstitious and what are some sumprats superstitions

Ashe is probably the most superstitious, but all sports players are superstitious to some degree or another - especially hockey people. I think every time Leona tapes her stick up, she has to unwind the first piece once - because that’s the way she did it when she scored her first goal. Claggor probably wears the same style of socks that he had when he was 18. Riven’s skates are a size too small, because she believes it makes her faster. Graves needs Caitlyn to tap his post before every game he’s in net otherwise he won’t play.

What was the hardest part for you, as a writer, to get through?

The entire fic came together relatively quickly, honestly. I wrote it in less than a year and most of the time in big 2-6 hour chunks of my day. I think the most challenging thing from a craft standpoint was the Landsman Scandal - because it had so many moving parts and I was using a character invented solely for that sequence in wewon1, and you needed to like her and buy into her right off the bat. I also needed to balance out how heavy the chapter was with moments that the reader could breathe around - I didn’t want to evoke a desperate, awful thing, but I wanted to inform. It took a few days of serious brainstorming before I got it the way I wanted it, and even then I was making edits in the posting window of Ao3. But in terms of actual hardness to write - the run up to the finals was really tough to get through because I felt like not much was happening narratively and I really needed to work at it to get it where I wanted it. The actual physical typing of the story wasn’t hard, but the games were annoying me a lot - they always felt too slow or sluggish or poorly conveyed. The thing I’m most proud of looking back is definitely the Powder chapter - I wish I had done more of that.

Why is Landsman so hot? Why did you have to make Landsman so hot? Should I speak with my therapist about this?

Oh yes. Immediately.

The story focused on Cait and Vi but as a whole was a story about team dynamics - little pieces like Hot Girl Shit, characters we would consider unremarkable as irl players like Poppy or Mylo, the gradual push of Graves to Ekko as main tendie - that grew into their own stories. Was this a case of supporting cast offering spontaneous great idea opportunities that you went along with, or was it always planned that X character would get X storyline?

I didn’t really set out with these storylines in mind, but one of the things I wanted from the get was this line to be true: “Usually, it’s the people who sit five, six seats from the starting lineup that give you the edge. Our job as leaders is to make sure that when those folks’ numbers get called, they’re ready.” - Vi, chapter 4. I wanted to basically reinforce that idea by having the players grow into something that was stalwart and could be relied upon, and just let the characters kinda swirl around with that idea. I didn’t realise that Ashe would wind up being so important but I kind of fell in love with her as I wrote her game - same goes for Riven’s speed and Darius’ faceoff potential.

Which supporting character that isn’t Mylo ended up being your fave?

If it’s cheating to say Sevika, then I loved Poppy. Every scene Poppy is in I just had a blast writing, but gum-chewing, constantly glaring, scowling while insisting she’s smiling Sevika really leapt off of my keyboard. If I allow myself to take credit for any one thing, it’s casting Sevika as a coach.

if Vander hadn't died and had become the Sumprats coach instead of Sevika, would Vi still have been drafted by them and how would she have felt about it?

Woof. It’s hard to see Mel hiring Vander, but say that she did and Vander coached Vi - adult Vi, 32 year old Vi with all she feels towards him - I can only really see it as Vi demanding out. She wouldn’t have the ego to get him fired, but I don’t think she’d be willing to play for him after everything. I also think the Sumprats are nowhere near as good with Vander as a coach - in my head Vander was good enough to drill Vi’s lessons into her head but had no idea how to keep a team intact, and that was Sevika’s specialty - the ‘us vs them’ mentality is all her.

I'd love to hear anything about your writing process. When you do it, how you think and feel about it, etc.

My writing process begins with having a very patient wife who puts up with me being glued to a screen for 6 hours at a time while talking to myself - usually in funny voices or imitating crowd yelling. I also do a lot of my dialogue in the shower where nobody can judge the faces I make - most of Caitlyn’s speech and the podcast dialogue came from me showering and yelling to myself, getting hyped up, and trying to remember lines. I basically do my functional adult tasks with the sequences I want to convey running on my head in a loop, until it’s time to sit down and crank it out. One part of my process that I don’t recommend is that when I sit down to write, I don’t get up until the chapter’s done. For me it’s a straight shot or it doesn’t get done at all - I need the entire flow to work on that one sitting. It has the side effect of my wife watering me and feeding me while I’m glued to banging words out onto a screen, and occasionally I’ll come up for air to refill my water battle and talk to her about her Animal Crossing island or something - anything - that isn’t hockey lesbians, before I go back to my cave.

obligatory question about which scene you were most looking forward to writing

So, chapter 32 was basically in my head the entire time I was writing the fic - everything between chapter 2 and 32 was me impatiently jiggling my leg waiting until I could write the Won’t Back Down song from the crowd. But the more surprising bit was how much I was looking forward to the karaoke scene - I wound up putting it off a few times in the fic until I was finally able to lock it down right after the Landsman Scandal, which felt like a great time to put it - just the idea that we all could use a break - as readers and characters in the story - and then we get one. Also, Pray is a fucking HILARIOUS song and I love that I got to use it.

if caitlyn and vi were to have a dog in this universe, what kind, what would they name it, and what would jinx choose to call it instead

This was actually a cut plot point at one time - the dog adoption sequence. They have a boxer named Bowser who has three legs, and Powder calls him Leonardo because it’s not his name but he squints sometimes like DiCaprio, and one time he ate an entire cheese pizza.

actually, kind of bouncing off my other question, are there any scenes that weren't originally planned that you really like?

Originally, there was no Melvika - it was a Melora subplot. But then I wrote that initial conversation between Mel and Sevika where they meet and Sevika passes her test and I thought to myself ‘oh.’ Every single Melvika moment was unplanned but I loved crafting it, showing this little love story in the margins of the page that was slowly and steadily unfolding.

Did you decide to change any major plot points after you'd started writing?

Two major ones: First and most impactful, there was going to be a riot in the original story that led to the team rallying behind the city - it was going to be this sequence of each of the Sumprats walking into the practice facility saying ‘have you heard, yet?’ that tied in what actually happened. But it felt tonally out of place and I was already really invested in exploring the abuse aspect of the fic, so I scrapped it - it’s a story worth telling at some point but the feel-good underdog sports fic wasn’t the place to explore that space. Another more impactful thing that certainly won’t be surprising to some: Vi’s injury was initially going to be a career ender. When SarcastCity and I started talking around the end of Disc 2, I actually told her that version of the story - that Vi’s knee is busted irrevocably and Caitlyn has to win without her, and the two have to find their way towards one another in a bittersweet finale without hockey to unite them. SC talked me around on that one - made the case that Vi and Caitlyn deserved to play hockey together for years and years, and after thinking about it for a while it really truly felt like I was being sad and dramatic for sad drama’s sake - angst for angst’s sake isn’t something I wanted to play into. So I changed it and it’s a lot, LOT better as a result.

How did you keep everything in order? Did you have an outline?

Calling it an outline is kind of insulting to other outlines, I think - I had an unhinged and fucked up google sheets document that listed the players, positions, and general vibe of their character arc, but I didn’t totally stick to it. I also had a chapter title list that I also changed a lot - I mostly knew my end point was ‘Caitlyn skates for 20 minutes and they come back to win in Game 5 with an injured Vi’ and worked my way to that point.

Thank you to all who submitted questions! If you have more, feel free to drop me a line.

-Badger

#arcane fanfic #league of legends fanfic #ratc #fanfic #run at the cup #ratc spoilers #badgeramble

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kakairu-shrine · 2 years ago

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Fourth Year Anniversary!

Today is my fourth anniversary as a KakaIru creator! Normally, I share a bunch of statistics; but this time, I’d like to reflect on the past year, and some of the things I have planned for the future, instead.

Firstly, I don’t think I have created as much this year as the other years, as a lot has happened irl; and a good chunk of my writing time was taken away because I just got so overwhelmed with life, and I found it hard to think.

It’s sad, because I absolutely love writing, and have so many ideas that I want to get out there; but I just couldn’t manage it as much as I wanted to.

I am proud to say, though, that I managed to write 25 fics, with a total word count of 121 926 words (having calculated that just now, I’m actually impressed I wrote so much – I wasn’t really expecting to reach over 100k!)!

Out of all of the new fics, I think my favourite one is my WIP, Linked (CW: NSFW & some dark chapters), which is the fic I wanted to write to celebrate reaching a milestone of 100 fics on ao3, where I got people to tell me what they wanted me to write.

You guys gave me so many suggestions with characters and tropes that you liked; and I was excited to challenge myself by including all of the tied number one votes, rather than choosing just one/ doing a revote.

Sadly, I haven’t finished it yet, and have only done 19/28 chapters (approx. 45.4k words); but that brings me to my future plans.

I really love the story so far, of Kakashi and Iruka being handcuffed together and having to figure out how to free themselves, as well as everything else I have planned for it; and I am going to pick up on it again, and aim to have it complete before my next anniversary (but hopefully even earlier!).

I also want to finish another WIP I suddenly stopped after 14/23 chapters (approx. 19.8k words), The Rift (CW: Dark), which I started in the first KakaIru Maze Challenge I ran, Into The Ancient World. I had gotten the prompt ‘Afterlife’; and started a story about Kakashi dying, and trying to find his way back home, while Iruka stays by his side at the hospital.

It’s an idea I’ve had since I was a kid, but I could never settle on the characters I wanted, and had never finished any stories at the time, so it was just something I daydreamed about; but I have grown as a writer since then, and want to finally turn the dream into a reality, and share it with everyone!

There is one more main project that I’ll be working on this year, too; but it is massive, and I can’t say when I’ll finish it. It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure, combined with an otome game; and Iruka, who will be the main character, can end up with one of four ships, depending on the choices he makes throughout the story 👀

I have planned it out entirely, and just need to finish writing it out; but with the amount of options I’ve added throughout the fic (over 100, if I remember correctly), there is going to be a lot of writing to do (I’d say at least 80k words), so, as much as I want to finish & share it, I probably won’t be able to do that this year. But it is something I’m very excited about!

Those are the main things I want to focus on, but I will more than likely write other fics when I get inspired, and/or add to some of my series; especially Family Adventures, which is my dad kakairu series featuring Kaito, their genius son, and In A Land Far, Far Away, my Star Wars AU where Kakashi gives refugees Iruka & Naruto the life they deserve ❤️

That’s all for now. Thank you guys for all your support so far! I really appreciate all the kudos, likes, and reblogs; and every single comment I get really puts a smile on my face, and makes my day ❤️💕

I look forward to spending another year with you!

#kakairu-shrine #fourth anniversary #kakairu fanfic #reflection #future plans

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bonesandthebees · 3 years ago

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I'm a fic writer as well and I've been toying with the idea of writing chapter by chapter as I upload (I usually write out the entire thing before I start posting)

anyway I was wondering how you (personally) approach writing chapter by chapter and what you'd say the pros/cons are of approaching a fic that way

I. I just found this in my drafts. oh god how long has this been in here I completely forgot about this. uh ANYWAY-

this is a really good question!! /gen

So for me, I’ve bounced between both those methods for fic writing! Up until I wrote nocturnal animals, I had a strict rule for myself that I’d only have one ongoing multi chapter fic happening at a time. Then if I wanted to write something else that would have multiple chapters, I had to prewrite it in its entirety to ensure I actually finished it and didn’t get bored because that was a problem I had a lot as a teenager. Then nocturnal animals happened and I decided to experiment with having two ongoing multi chapter fics at once, one just being a lot shorter and lower effort than the other, and I found out I could actually keep both going! So that was a fun revelation to have

Now I tend to prefer writing fics chapter by chapter since I know I can actually do it and still complete the fic. How I approach writing a chapter by chapter fic depends on how long I think it’s going to be. For my long form fics (ie: will likely be above 100k words like clinic, world forgetting, stars) I have to be extremely careful with how I plan them. I know the overarching narrative of the story, I know the ending and beginning, but I only plot out 2-3 chapters at a time so I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen to keep things exciting for me. For these stories I also have specific criteria they fill in my head to make sure I won’t get bored and abandon them. But if the chapter by chapter fic I want to write is ‘shorter’ (ie: will probably be between 20k-80k words) then I can be a little more relaxed since I know I can finish it relatively quickly, therefore I have a lower risk of not finishing it. So these I’ll usually plot out in their entirety ahead of time. No need for the mystery because I’m not gonna be dwelling on the story long enough to get bored of it. Of course I always let myself stray from my outline so I still end up adding a lot of stuff that wasn’t in my plan, but I have a solid list of plot beats to hit in each chapter before I even start writing the fic.

Now pros: overall, I like writing fics chapter by chapter a lot more. it allows me to form a stronger connection with the story and take my time with it. when I try to prewrite something, I find myself rushing a lot of parts just so I can get it finished. then, when I actually post it, I don't remember all the earlier bits as well so the comments I get on those just... don't hit as hard for me I guess? even if they're really nice comments, I just don't remember my own thoughts while writing the fic as well, so it's harder for me. whereas when I post a chapter or a one shot the morning after I finished writing it, it's still so fresh in my head and so I appreciate the comments a lot more. also, I can take my time and not rush specific arcs or plot beats, and I think it really improves the quality of my work.

(I think a really good example of this is if you compare my fics vanderlyle crybaby cry and honey and tangerines. although the plots were very different, I approached both of those fics with the intent to make it feel like an indie coming of age film. vanderlyle I prewrote in its entirety before I started posting it. tangerines I wrote chapter by chapter. yes, tangerines took several months to complete and was much longer than vanderlyle was in the end, but I think honey and tangerines is far better than vanderlyle in terms of overall quality. I'm far more proud of it, I feel a lot more connected to the work, and I just think I accomplished my goal with honey and tangerines, whereas I look back at vanderlyle and feel a bit disappointed with its lost potential.)

cons: writing things chapter by chapter is a lot harder and you're running the risk of losing interest and not wanting to complete it. you have to be very aware of your stamina and your interest in the project, along with how busy you are and how much pressure you'll be feeling to update it regularly. basically, you have to try it out and see what works better for you. if you've only prewritten stuff, I definitely recommend trying a chapter by chapter thing just to see how you like it. if you end up hating it? it's fic. no harm done. you never have to finish anything you write if you're just writing it for free. you don't owe anyone anything. but if you like it? well hey you discovered a fun new method for writing!

sorry I forgot about this question in my drafts lmao hope this helps!!

#ask #anon #bones writes

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she-who-the-river-could-not-hold · 2 years ago

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Rambling March Updates

A little bit of a fun update for this month and moving forward, since I’ve been feeling a shift in how I approach my creative work (and well, everything else too) and I feel like organizing my thoughts somewhere. It’s technically the 2nd of March, but after a mini vacation post half-marathon, I definitely feel like it’s a valid bookend to semi start at. I’m in my usual “time to overhaul my life and plans” mood so it’s fitting for that as well, like a spring cleaning for the mind!

Writing Updates:

I’m about halfway through my celebration oneshot, which is a Bellarke AU based on the winning tropes from my survey that I ran during my follower celebration. So in a sense it’s a collaborative fic which is pretty fun! I’m liking it so far, though I do feel a bit rusty writing the Bellarke again after taking a bit of a break.

If you somehow missed my excessive reblogs, I finished my longest fic ever last month (hence another writing break)! It was for Stranger Things/Hellcheer (Eddie x Chrissy) and ended up clocking in at just under 80k words. Pretty astounding and I haven’t really processed how long it is. I feel like I need to reread it just to bask in the accomplishment and to also remember what I wrote lol.

Organizing the new month means updating my word count calendar, and with it I’ll probably spend some time reworking some outlining and WIP plans. I still like most of my WIPs that are unfinished, though one or two might get axed and abandoned. But the ones I want to finish deserve a polishing up and fixed outlines so I feel more confident getting back into them! And of course, organizing some new fic ideas I have and seeing if I can prep myself into making them shorter, easier projects for the main reason I’m about to share!

The biggest reason I want to spend time narrowing down my approach and what I want to write in terms of fanfic is that I’ve finally confirmed to myself that I want to write my own original novel. The idea started bouncing around in my head and I tried to ignore. Thought about it a little longer, told my husband about it, and he enthusiastically insisted that I legitimately consider writing it. And now I can’t stop thinking about it, so I’m going to give it a go! I can’t let myself think about any goals beyond writing it, but I am excited to see how that goal can fit and how I can push myself with it and hopefully actually write it.

Design/Visual Creative Updates:

I do want to eventually finish my Stranger Things episode gif sets. I find them incredibly relaxing to make and a nice little visual stimulation break!

More episode posters such as this one are also something on the back burner. Mainly because I’m also considering expanding my efforts in an online shop and I think it would be cool to include them! A part of that is organizing the categories of work I want to do, as well as the very tedious element of figuring out a name for the shop so that I feel comfortable sharing it across platforms. Hopefully updates on that will come down the line by the summer!

In non-fandom thoughts, I desperately need to update my graphic design portfolio and take new headshots. It’s driving me bananas at how much I’ve stalled on that so that needs to be a priority

I’m determined to learn how to book bind this year and turn my own fics into physical copies (also a nice tie in for my own potential novel). We’ll see how that goes––it’ll be added to my long list of physical creative projects I want to get into this year!

I’ve negotiated my current contract to being a four day work week, so I’m excited to see my schedule start to form in a way that I can maximize my time and work on more personal projects!

However all of this comes on the back of that my husband and I are officially looking to move to a new state and city! Which means there’s a buzzing amount of stress just consistently in my mind right now, which will most definitely multiple over time as we actually have to complete the process. That means I’ll probably put a lot of this all on pause later this month and into April, but I also think that moving to a bit of a slower paced lifestyle is also going to be really good for both of our goals moving forward. Very exciting and very scary at the same time as we look to start a new chapter in our lives!

Onward to updating Notion and hopefully getting some good work in today! Happy almost spring!

#kathryn chats

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sleeptowns · 4 years ago

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first love, late spring: the autopsy report

some postmortem thoughts on conceptualizing, writing and editing the first half of my favourite project so far, partly for my own relationship with the "craft" and mostly bc writing this like a blu-ray bonus commentary was immense fun.

・・・・・・

in retrospect, it’s always a bit of a miracle every time i finish a fic.

it might not feel like it for a lot of them, but considering i’m a [spins wheel] kind of person in so many aspects, from writing to travelling to cooking, i sure have a lot of audacity falling headfirst into stories knowing full well that i don’t have a single clue where it will go until it’s all finished. i was very lucky with my 20-50k fics, especially since one of them was a dual narrative/parallel pov situation or whatever yours, mine, ours was. i was probably even luckier with the 70-80k ones, seeing as i was a broke college student in a new city acting like i can do something like a 27-year-old end-of-career actor justice. but to write 113k words’ worth of so many things i’ve never done before, with the same messy method of figuring it out as i go along — i don’t even know how that happened.

as it stands, i have neither a planning doc to look back on and unpack nor even a vague outline that i probably wouldn’t have listened to anyway. and that was all well and fine before; i’ve made peace with not having the kind of mind that knows to conceptualize arcs and secondary plotlines before i even write the thing. i know i work best when i let the characters do the heavy lifting for me as i’m writing: they tell me where something needs to go next, i listen, and if i listen long and hard enough, the one scene i initially wanted to write as a standalone becomes a much longer monster because it felt wrong for it to be anything else. and the kind of story that could not have possibly been anything but what it ended up as? that’s the writing i love best. it works out.

i am, however, trying to be a more mindful writer-person this year, and while there’s very little to be mindful about when the entire process has been seemingly mindless, it doesn’t mean i can’t at least try to look at this complete jigsaw puzzle i’ve ended up with by moving my eyes from one piece to another. will that tell me how i realized that so-and-so piece belonged in this spot? no. but will it inform what to look for in the angles and edges of a lone puzzle piece the next time i try to build a puzzle? i don’t know for sure, but it might, and possibility is a very hefty thing to have when you’re writing.

which, honestly, i’m only saying because i read matthew salesses saying a few months ago that “to become a better writer is to make conscious what may start out as unconscious.” and since it shook the very foundations of my self-pitying “i don’t feel comfortable claiming i’m a proper writer because everything i do is unconscious and i’m just fooling everyone into thinking i know what i’m doing because i know for a fact i do Not” mindset — this is me trying my best to move beyond the parameters of my chaotic writing non-process and reflect on how first love, late spring came to be what it is.

that said, i started this as a genuine attempt at being writerly about flls but then i got very uncomfortable and, looking at the end result now, it’s really more like one of those director’s commentary things that they include in the blu-ray, complete with division into small multiple parts and the writing equivalent of outtakes.

but this was still fun! and probably more valuable than not in the long run! so! here’s to making the unconscious conscious!

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01 | ROOTS & SEEDLINGS

i’ve had time to think about it, and i blame three things for first love, late spring.

① jay, who had to listen to my sleep deprived self break off in the middle of a spiel about restorative justice so i can wonder out loud what megumi would be like in a polisci class — and who somehow decided 5am was a good time to pitch a fun little joke of a college au where nanami is a philosophy prof and mahito is his unbearable teacher’s assistant

② jjk chapter 132.5, which caught me at a point of almost-breaking in the middle of the shibuya arc and soothed what it can with basketball player yuuji & turtleneck-clad, coffee-drinking, definitely-shops-at-muji megumi.

③ dash & lily, a netflix limited series from which i retained nothing except the song stay by gracie abrams. it played maybe once in the entire show yet haunted me for days after, looping could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking like some spell incantation.

a spell incantation that did its job frightfully well, because by the end of that weekend, i was at a bus stop in -13° furiously typing scraps of a scene into my google keep so it stops rattling around emptily in my brain:

Itadori’s eyes are wide when he opens the door, as if he hadn’t actually believed Megumi would be coming over.

He looks tired. Not in the sleepless way.

He stares blankly at the paper bag that Megumi has tucked under his arm.

He opens his mouth, but Megumi announces, "I have bath bombs."

"What?"

"My sister brings them to my place. I never use them. Here—pick one."

then two other scraps:

"We’ll get in the bath, then sleep. Okay?"

"We? Are you staying the night?"

"When have I ever not stayed the night?"

"Right, you’re the only one who always does." Itadori sounds absentminded. “But I mean—we’re not—tonight—"

"Why does that matter?” says Megumi. "I can take the couch. I’m not leaving you alone like this, Itadori."

That feels too honest, but it’s the right thing to say.

[…]

“Fushiguro?”

Megumi’s half-asleep already, but he shifts, makes sure Itadori slots better against him. Closer, more secure. "What is it?” he says, but it’s mostly a hum under his breath.

“Thank you.”

as with every time this kind of haunting happens, i felt immediately better after having gotten fragments out of my system. but also as with every time i listen to the need to manifest one of these, it finds a new way to follow me around. who are these people? why is yuuji coming over? what happened? why is megumi giving me “i will” by mitski energy here? what is their relationship, if they seem close & comfortable enough for yuuji to come over like this but still with enough hesitation that they can’t possibly be in an established relationship yet?

so then i started thinking about a scene that might come after the bits i wrote, and because i had a stray thought about what yuuji & toji’s dynamic might be like while i was in line at the grocery store, this is what came out:

When Megumi leaves his room, he finds his father sitting at the dining table — with Itadori.

“What,” he says.

“I met your boyfriend at the grocery store.”

“How do you even know what he looks like—“

“Oh, Tsumiki sent me a photo.”

Itadori waves at the collection of half-opened bags on the counter. “We just came here to split the groceries! I would have made too much if I was home anyway, so—”

which just complicated my question of what yuuji & megumi are even supposed to be in this world that my brain keeps trying to feed me. not boyfriends, definitely, but there are feelings and tried-and-tested intimacy there. fake boyfriends? friends with benefits? both?

the final, final straw was — because why not — a video on my fyp. a student living in tokyo was doing a series on their favourite restaurants nearby, and one of them had beautiful footage of a place called ukai toriyama. i looked it up out of curiosity for more, became enamoured with all the photos and videos i found, and thought, wow, this place would be nice for a wedding reception.

and because one plus one plus one plus one plus one equals five, i cracked under the weight of all the little things rattling around in my head, decided to hell with it, and sat down in front of a doc.

1.1k words later, the first scene of first love, late spring was set in stone, and the world it belonged to had me in the tightest chokehold that a story seedling idea has had in years.

only i would argue that this story wouldn’t be what it became without flls!yuuji being who he is, and that had to come a bit later, long after megumi had established what kind of world we were at first. because before yuuji, before haibara, before the scene and chapter that i think would define the structure of flls and what their relationship ultimately became about, i had to first go a few weeks back in time and figure out what megumi’s deal was.

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02 | THE SWEATER AND THE CUP

the thing is, though, i wish i knew why i wrote chapter 2 like i did, but i just really, really don’t. by this point, i hadn’t written anything in two years except news articles & the occasional personal essay, and i’d argue you can see some of the rust peeking in while i try to hash out what on earth is going on in this quarter-realized au. i was lucky that megumi’s perspective felt very natural for introspection, so i had a lot of space for exposition that was, to be honest, more for my purposes than any reader’s. my main objectives were to figure out what would have to happen to lead to the two fragments i had written out, and since i think i like to write based on one detail first, i latched onto how cold my room was at the time and started imagining scenes that feel similarly cold. i typed up a scene in a classroom at the top of an old campus building. that didn’t work after i shuffled through what i remember about the university of tokyo from writing 2 a.m. and realized i can see megumi going there but not yuuji. then i tried a scene at a party, but that wasn’t cold or winter-y enough; it was too much to start on, sensory-wise, and i knew i didn’t want the heat and lights of a party to be part of the ~aesthetic of a christmastime fic.

with that in mind, then, i tried something simpler: a cold apartment, the characters in it just barely starting their morning. and after i latched onto that and followed it a little farther, my head came back to me with a kind of cold that’s not just cold because it’s winter in the story and the floorboards are unheated and the windows are frosted — but cold because the bodily warmth is reserved for the space between night and morning, and this scene must then be a moment beyond that space. with a few more minutes of typing and twirling a pen while i talk to myself, this became: megumi out of bed, standing cold and not fully dressed in the middle of the bedroom; yuuji still cocooned, warm and half-asleep, in the middle of the bed; sunlight streaming in, steady and warm on the sheets, shining fully into the room and onto the bed but not directly on either one of them.

looking back, this is i think the first mention of light in the fic, and probably the precursor for all other mentions i write later on, whether consciously or not. if i am to pull out something deeper out of the intuitive stuff, i’d say that i put the sunlight in to maybe signal to myself that the warmth was there between them, literally and figuratively, but they’re not seeing each other in the light yet. which changes later on, when megumi sees yuuji waiting outside the subway station in the ✨ glow ✨ of the sunset, and again further on, once more a little differently, under the streetlights. but for now, to be completely honest, i also think i just decided to start with a sunlit room because it’s the easiest indication of morning coziness, and therefore the easiest thing to subvert and break.

so. visualizing sunlight in a bedroom means visualizing the rest of the room, and the laziest way to do that is to start from what’s already a given: the sunlight, the blinds, the bed, the wall, and then the floor, none of which has anything interesting about them worth jumping off on for the next paragraph — unless there’s something missing. the thought process went, probably word for word, a little like: “let’s say something’s missing. that would explain why megumi’s standing half-dressed. something of his must be missing, then. why is it missing? maybe he left it in the living room. maybe it’s under the bed. or maybe yuuji has a dog. a cat? what would its name be — oh, wait. sukuna is a thing. i don’t know what to do about sukuna.” as such, cat sukuna was unceremoniously born, and suddenly, not only was megumi’s sweater missing, it was also torn to shreds. because cat sukuna.

now i got megumi out of the bedroom and i needed him to do something, and while there’s intimacy in preparing coffee/tea for himself and yuuji, sure, that won’t really give the scene momentum. but i figured i could reuse the same logic i did with the missing sweater and this time add something that’s there when it shouldn't have been. and having a cup in a literal cupboard isn’t the most creative or shocking thing, i know, but because it had to be shocking to megumi somehow for it to be worth including — it was. it was, because (and i’m still so sorry about using you like this, yuko) it was for someone else, because it was permanence and invitation that wasn’t for him, and what more useful emotional beat is there to end a chapter’s opening scene on except tension over something mundane that wouldn’t be tension over something mundane if only megumi’s thoughts & feelings didn't work a certain way.

and when you’ve got direction like that, the thoughts and feelings themselves can start to find a place in the structure of the story. introspection is my favourite to write because it flows once i’ve justified including it; it’s comfortable and free and nice, and it forms the backbone of characterization while at the same time indulging thoughts i’ve had about canon. i’m guilty about starting nearly all of my pre-flls fics with shameless character-centric introspection, but because this wasn’t the case with flls (and continued to not be, for reasons i’ll get to later), wherein everything i wrote at the start was in medias res, i had to hotwire that justification into existing within the actual scenes instead of leading to them. not having introspection in the beginning, before the actual story begins, means i’m still in the middle of a scene during all of these blocks of introspection, and it had to make space for action somewhere. we had to return to the story somehow.

except, this made me realize soon after, there’s no story yet. there’s no spark that would make the tension from the cup boil over and let the actual story find its foothold.

luckily, though — bless her and whatever photo-taking technique she had that we never even got to see in full swing before she was gone too soon — nanako happened.

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03 | THE GOJO-GETO HOUSEHOLD

before there was a single cemented thing in this universe — minus maybe mahito giving eyeroll-edgy kinda nihilistic advice, but even he had to become a newsletter writer somewhere down the line — there was the ginormous network of people that megumi, at times grudgingly and resignedly, calls family. i knew this was going to be an everyone lives au, because what kind of college au would it be otherwise (and yeah, this at first included yuuji’s grandfather), and i went into it knowing that if nothing else, i wanted to write yuuji interacting with toji + megumi interacting with nanako & mimiko. (because why not. where else would i get the chance to explore those dynamics.) for the first one, i already had a scene fragment; i just had to get there. but for the second, it meant indulging in the concept of stsg raising the girls & the fushiguro siblings together, whether or not they were in a romantic relationship in this universe, and if i wanted to preserve at least a bit of the canon stsg backstory, it meant conceptualizing all the complications that would have led to even the well-established family we see in flls.

this would later turn out for the best, because stsg’s pseudo backstory running quietly under the main story formed the foundation for how i’ll characterize yuuji & megumi and their relationship. not because of the parallels, though there are those, but because even in the idyllic surface of being the product of a family instead of loss, megumi will still carry the burden of the kind of love he didn’t receive. which is not the same thing as not receiving love and care. he got that. he knows he got that. but as i hope i made a point to say in flls, receiving love broadly is not the same as having the kind of love you specifically need. and i don’t think that’s a point i would have been able to make if stsg weren’t there — if gojo wasn’t there to serve as a catalyst for megumi’s first decision to stay stubbornly brave for yuuji in ch 4, and if geto wasn’t there, in ch 6, to gently but firmly tear megumi apart.

but before all that, i just wrote the beginning of flls wanting to see a megumi that grew up with three sisters instead of one. i wanted monthly catch-up dinners at a ridiculously expensive 6LDK house near the university of tokyo, full of ridiculously expensive shit. i wanted the loud, chaotic household that i felt they deserved in this au. i wanted to see remnants of the dynamics they would have had as teenagers, from megumi being the sulking youngest to nanako being domineering and tsumiki being reasonable and mimiko being the healthy middle between them. i wanted a weary but affectionate geto. i wanted gojo that no one really sees as a guardian in this set-up but is somehow the person to benefit the most from having people in this gigantic house that he probably never would have bought thinking it will help raise four kids.

and so i tried writing a scene where all these dynamics collided like two trapeze artists that you think would crash against each other but doesn’t because this is a well-practiced routine and they all know each other very well, not because they were family from the beginning but because they’ve had time to learn to be a family altogether. but again (this is starting to become a running thing in this post, note to self), as with any indulgent choice, i had to justify its existence in the story somehow, to give it a place in the forward momentum of the plot. and so nanako’s social media came into the fray, and more and more people started entering the room as she confronts megumi, and the energy heightens — and at the center of it all is yuuji and a dating misunderstanding, and somehow boom, there we go, we finally have what the cool kids call an inciting incident.

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04 | FAKE DATING, I GUESS

i’m not a fan of billing flls as a fake dating story. like, that has to be a scam, right? they fake-date for about half a chapter at best. i’m genuinely sorry it was so blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but the fruits of the trope were too central to what the first four chapters became for me to take it out — so there you go. fake dating it was, for like the three days before yuuji caved and confessed his heart out.

but. okay. i’ve had time to think about why i actually kept it and didn’t just find another way to play with what fwb tropes offered, and i think fake dating was only insofar useful to the story in how it didn’t do anything for them. i’m learning recently that there’s merit in that, too. in making a point, that is, out of a point that a trope can’t make for me. or whatever. what i’m trying to say is that — fake dating doesn’t change anything about yuuji & megumi’s dynamic, really. they kiss, they’re friends, they go on not-dates. and a younger me would have restarted and taken fake dating out altogether since it’s not introducing something new, but ultimately, i guess i kept fake dating because it reinforces what yuuji & megumi already are. what they already do. the level of ease and comfort they already have with each other. all these things they haven’t been honest to themselves about quite yet. haven’t been honest about it all meaning more.

and that’s all the use fake dating was, to be honest: bringing them both to a point of necessary realization. megumi alone at first, with asking for all of yuuji, with realizing no, he doesn’t want a fake relationship, and essentially just continuing the emotional beat that the cup started for him and will take us to a point of no return at the end of chapter 4.

but then i reached the end of chapter 2 and found myself wondering about yuuji’s side of things, about what he’s thinking, why he’s saying yes. i never intended for his pov to be in this story, and maybe flls would have been a lot shorter if it wasn’t, but i finished chapter 2 and immediately started writing the bistro breakfast scene in the beginning of chapter 3 and found a yuuji who sees his feelings for megumi with more directness if not clarity, with more understanding for nobara pointing out that he and megumi are pretty much just in a relationship at this point — which, i’d argue, is the first sign of all the contributing factors to how their relationship goes wrong. because of course nobara is right, and her being right means all of this is a convoluted mess, except yuuji is at this point the equivalent of someone getting home tired from work and finding his phone charger knotted and more nest than cable, but he’s so exhausted, and the charger still does its job as long as you plug each end to an outlet and to a phone, so why would you spend energy/emotional capacity you don’t have to untangle something that works tangled?

and that was the turning point for flls, i think. i only wrote a scene on the side to warm up, to feel more comfortable about writing yuuji — but instead i was left with a yuuji who feels so much, who had all these reasons for sleeping around just waiting for me to sink my teeth into, who already has a crush & maybe more on megumi, and man... how do you not give him his own chapter after that?

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05 | 胸がはち切れそうで

what even was flls before chapter 3 was a thing. i think a lot about what it could have become if this chapter isn’t how it turned out to be, but with the way things ended up, it’s the point where the whole story shifted on its axis and became something i never intended it to be.

i vividly remember taking a break after finishing the first attempt at the bistro breakfast scene and going on youtube; one of the recommendations was the therapy scene from fleabag, which is just one of those pieces of screenwriting that you can’t help but admire for everything it does in so little time. you can’t say the same for the therapy scene in flls, but there remains that the fleabag scene was the foundation for it, and, consequently, for yuuji’s entire arc in flls.

i also think a lot about how my younger self would have written this therapy scene much later in the fic. as a resolution of sorts, a guidance towards a happy ending. the same way i know i would have written something really loving and sappy for geto’s speech at the wedding. as it is, we don’t hear the speech at all, and the therapy scene comes in yuuji’s first chapter. it’s how we’re introduced to him, because the first and only thing we know about him otherwise is that a) he has no family, according to gojo, and b) that, based on what we can gather from the breakfast, his life is a little bit stuffed full and he’s maybe not doing the best.

with yuuji, there was no luxury of the same introspection that megumi has. i’ll deal with it later, in the chapter 5 switch to second person, but right now, yuuji doesn’t so much examine as he does just feel. and instead of the therapy scene becoming a resolution scene, it became exposition instead, with haibara doing the more analytical characterization that megumi at least gave me the space to do from within his head. in yuuji’s case, it had to be teased out, said out loud, a push-and-pull that painted, for me, at least initially, the picture of a boy who’s trying so hard to transcend his childhood and yet is very much a product of it.

but first, i had to decide who would be the therapist in this scenario, and because fleabag already gave me the prompt of having a therapy voucher (i did not google if those actually existed), the question became about who would give yuuji one. and since the first clear answer was nanami, it easily became: who would nanami trust with yuuji the way gojo entrusted him with yuuji in the light novel? who would he have had that conversation with? to whom would he have said “there is a boy whose feelings i want to be careful about, and i know you can do it”? and though there were other contenders before this, the only real answer had been haibara.

the dialogue for this scene came easily, in that i had a point of reference. at the time, i was in twelve-week therapy for something a lot more specific and not at all related to yuuji’s situation, but i found myself paying attention to my therapist’s pattern of guiding our sessions — the kind of questions she asks, when she asks them, how she asks them. the things she says to preface certain thoughts, the clarifications she asks of me.

apply this to how i imagine haibara’s sunniness would have mellowed out if he’d had the chance to become the kind, empathetic adult i like to think he would have been, plus throw in some thoughts about yuuji’s grandfather telling him to die surrounded by people in canon, and i had the bare bones of a conversation. a lot of the prompts there were narratively situational: what happens to a kid who had to watch his only family member left die alone, and be left, as a young teen, to live his life by himself? what coping mechanisms would have had to come out of that, and how do i connect that to the ways we see canon yuuji wrestle with his own thoughts and convictions in canon? and how do i justify the presence of yuuji’s pov in the story now? how does it connect back to megumi’s established arc in the previous chapter? does it?

it did, in the lack that yuuji was a product of, looping back to the loneliness that i realized megumi thinks about at length in chapter 2. i also didn’t want fwb tropes to be there only for the sake of fwb tropes; it wasn’t something i felt comfortable doing, and i was worried about ending up being indulgent when i don’t mean to. so i started thinking about why someone like yuuji, with already so much on his plate, would take the time to spend his nights with so many different people? what is the end goal?

i just wasn’t expecting that goal to be something as simple as being held.

flls came out of that therapy scene a changed story. if we stayed with megumi’s pov, it would have maybe been a lightweight story with, at best, an undercurrent of loneliness at its core — which is all fine, too, but i’ve written loneliness / homesickness / lonesomeness in a handful of different shapes before, and if this had been the case, flls would have been an abandoned wip, never to see the light of day.

but the haibara scene turned flls into something i’ve never tried writing before not only in having dual perspectives on the same relationship, but for that relationship and its dynamic to be the defining core of the story. on a very simplistic sense, we had a boy who keeps his world small and finds order in it that way, and we had another whose order is found in the big-ness he wants to maintain. loneliness is there, sure, but in different ways and only as catalysts to how they love each other — because they do, already, by this point. it’s been love, for a while, and love was itching to be the main focal point of flls. love, love languages, what it means, what it entails, how it can soothe in its smallest form and also harm in its biggest. i didn’t know that yet, in chapter 3, won’t know it until i go back to chapter 1 and realize i hinted at conflict between yuuji and megumi, but i also already knew that i wanted flls to be a relationship > character fic if i was gonna go through with it. and i figured if that meant taking a different angle on the romance than i previously have, then all the better.

the final nail in the coffin was the end of chapter 3, where i was exhausted writing a 20k+ chapter and thinking, “wow, it’s been such a long day, yuuji should have burst with something by now” — and then that became a serious thought, because it just hadn’t made sense, with canon yuuji’s tendency to blurt things out, for him to not react in some way to everything that’s happened that day. things have to come to a boil somehow, and for flls yuuji, that meant a confession.

a messy, unthought-out confession and easily the most fun & visceral of any i’ve ever written. up until flls, confessions were usually for the big, pre-climax moments after an entire story’s worth of romance, and for this reason, i’ve always kind of dreaded writing them. how do i make it fresh when we already know we want these people to be together? how do i make it a novel thing to hear, for the first time, that the person whose pov we didn’t get in the story feels the same way as the third-person narrator? maybe a “twist” moment like in 2 A.M. or the event in lie to make me like you?

but with yuuji in flls, it wasn’t going to be a surprise no matter what. we knew how he felt about megumi, we knew they would be together somehow prior to the wedding, whether on pretend terms or not, and i knew that the only reason this confession was going to be a thing is because yuuji’s had a long day and he’s done, so done, with not saying anything.

so we start small and specific, and we stay small and specific, with yuuji just realizing that love for him is wanting to hold someone and not just wanting to be held, that love is being home for another person instead of someone just being a second home for him on nights where his feels a little empty. in any other situation, the therapy scene would have prevented the pov character from confessing, from pursuing a relationship, but because it’s yuuji, his first instinct is to avoid the loneliness he felt briefly on the subway, when he realized he could just hide his feelings for megumi forever if he really wanted to, and so he blurts it all out. sweet (i hope), genuine and awkward. but also impulsive. rambling. unthinking.

in doing so, yuuji gave me a second inciting incident. one that feels more true to him. it’s equally reactionary as megumi responding to the screenshot situation, but there’s something to be said about how megumi was cornered by so many external elements into the spark that launches his arc in their relationship while yuuji blurts everything out from sheer urgency and exhaustion. which has roots in equally external factors, but the slight difference in their confessions will carry them through to the end — so, i suppose, from here on out in the story, we’ll always return to everything i unknowingly set up in chapter 3: the thoughts yuuji has in the breakfast scene, the truths pulled out of him in the therapy scene, the little things that come into play on the way to and at and after disneyland, and finally, what’s blurted out in the confession and how, why. the things they ask of each other, for each other. the things they want to do for each other.

(and it hurts my heart a little, i admit, to return to this chapter months later and see this same earnestness that will propel their story along, for better or for worse, and know it will have to end before they begin again.)

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06 | GOING BACK TO CHAPTER ONE

having cemented chapter 1 as a prologue of sorts, i had to go back to add yuuji’s perspective now that he, apparently, was going to have it in this fic. it felt safe to give him a scene with nanami in parallel to megumi’s with toji; it wasn’t my conscious intention to have these scenes end up being reflections of how they handle emotions as a result of what was maybe lacking in their childhoods, and it was just lucky that these two scenes will serve as a decent jumping off point for what i’ll decide to do when writing chapters 5 and 6.

looking back, too, the first scene stuck without a concrete plan because it had the bare parts of a full story: exposition with megumi’s family, a little hint at action with toji asking after yuuji, and, for reasons i can’t remember the root of now, also a show of conflict. i knew i wanted a christmas eve fight, and maybe dash & lily is to blame for that, too, but maybe i was also just itching to write a ~fight because it’s not something i’ve ever done before and i was pretty set on flls being the fic where i just keep throwing in things i haven’t tried with any previous pairings.

i also knew i had to set up nanami & yuuji’s relationship somehow if i was going to justify the therapy voucher in chapter 3, and the scene wrote itself with that in mind. i knew we were going to be somewhere inside since the megumi scene before it was outdoors and i don’t like staying in one place for too long, but everything else was all the tenderness intrinsic to nanami & yuuji’s dynamic rearing its head. that, and a few on-the-nose elements scattered around to set the scene for yuuji’s life — hot chocolate & fresh bread for warmth, yes, but also to show that he’s a regular visitor to nanami’s apartment; snow out the window because it’s Winter™ and we’re feeling a lil’ wistful; the hammer in the head paternal-ness of a guardian figure teaching you how to knot your tie. all things that yuuji didn’t have at a certain point in his life — or, more accurately, all things that yuuji lost and regained only years later. again, in the back of my mind, i was thinking, what does that kind of loss do to someone at that age? for what are we if not a series of responses and reactions to the things that happen to us? and i was thinking, too, that the opposite of love isn’t hate, is it? it must be loss. it must be lack.

i realized halfway that these thoughts echo something i wrote into megumi’s first chapter. and so i packed them away to think about later, letting only some of it bleed into the wistfulness that colors the warmth in yuuji & nanami’s first scene together. when i write chapter 5, i would joke to myself that it’s a “boil until tender” kind of recipe, but in retrospect, yuuji’s entire character is a slow boil. he was strangely mysterious to me, even as i was writing him; we know his trauma, we know his days are busy and overwhelming, but i felt that he could be more reactionary. he needs more momentum. not just for the story, which he accomplished when he confessed, and not just for megumi’s arc, which shows itself in his response to yuuji and yuuji’s problems, but for his own self, too. the haibara scene is only scratching the surface of who and what yuuji is, and the worst of it is still under getting ready to boil and bubble. and not just in the form of a panic attack in chapter 4, but something else. something bigger.

which had me looking back again to life and identity as a series of reactions and how the opposite of love is loss and lack — and that equalled to: isn’t the way we love also, by extension, a reaction? to what, though? to how we were loved? to how we weren’t loved? both. it’s both. and that brought up a lot of questions, all rooted in chapter 1: we see megumi and yuuji around father figures that care for them in their own ways, and one would argue they’re well-adjusted in the face of being loved — but are they? what would they fight about, then? sure, there’s megumi’s jealousy over ozawa but that’s too shallow. too cheap. megumi would never distrust yuuji like that. where would their differences lie, then? their love languages? their contrasting worldviews and life schedules? furthermore, why aren’t they in a relationship yet? why is yuuji only confessing now? neither of them are fumbling teenagers about the intimacy of their relationship, and yuuji was fairly clear in not expecting anything out of megumi. why is that? why is he leaving that space? insecurity? no. too easy an answer.

as it turns out, i didn’t finalize a single answer about any of these. not until chapter 5 and 6. but i knew, after having written yuuji’s perspective into chapter 1 and seeing it side-by-side with megumi’s, that their relationship can’t continue being fake with all the variables we have by the end of chapter 3. not with yuuji’s confession, not with the fight that i’m letting myself keep for no other reason than writing an argument would be thrilling, and not with the tension that won’t be solved just because they start dating. problems don’t end just because a couple is together. if anything, new issues to consider crop up once you put a label on it. it shifts the dynamic that’s there, and that will always come with its growing pains. any evolving relationship comes with growing pains. the matter here is figuring out what those growing pains look like for yuuji & megumi.

so first, i had to throw them into a real relationship.

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07 | DONBURI ON THE TRACKS

chapter 4 is so chaotic under the surface that it haunts me. this doesn’t mean i don’t like it, or that i’ll do it differently. i’d maybe argue that it was a necessary chaos, or at least that it was chaotic because it’s doing a lot in much less space than yuuji’s chapters do. there’s no moving from shibuya to kichijoji to work to disneyland to back home. there’s no takada & nobara to haibara to ozawa. it’s just megumi propelled along a thought process by nobara and into action by toji, from one evening to the day after.

with that, i’d maybe call it a bridging chapter? when i first started flls for real, i gave myself seven chapters to sort of act as guiding parameters — three chapters for them each, on top of the prologue — and opened up a blank doc. there’s no rhyme or reason for that count of seven; i guess i hadn’t expected each chapter to be around 20k words long, and even less that yuuji would be confessing by chapter 3. but it made sense, if there was gonna be a fight. it gave me enough space to bring their relationship through a healthy amount of conflict to get to the meat of the ~themes i wanted to write about, while giving an indulgently happy epilogue at the end.

(okay, clearly, these plans changed, but that was the reasoning at the time 😅)

i had a good chunk of chapter 4 vaguely mapped out somewhere in my head by the time i actually sat down to write it in full, but while i knew this chapter would have the first two scenes i wrote before flls was even flls, i still had to tweak them to fit the aftermath of the unexpected confession. i have a better idea who these characters are this time (not as much as i will yet, i think, because that part will come in chapter 5 and 6 each; we pretty much only have the foundations by this point), but i figured there was no point in keeping the story going if we don’t also get to know the characters even more as the story unfolds. the plot needs momentum, sure, i see that as i write this, but even now, that is only as valuable to me as how much that momentum parallels or, better yet, takes along the characters themselves. there has to be more layers to be peeled back; there has to be more to yuuji and megumi that we’ll only get to see eye-to-eye with in the later chapters.

the way i view it, plot or trope or twist shouldn’t ever be alone in being that. they should only be a thing in service or in response to a character being the way they are. this isn’t always the case, of course — but it’s the way i prefer to write. i’m heavily biased towards character-first writing, is what i’m realizing as i type this, which i honestly don’t see changing any time soon. characterization is a hefty chunk of the fun of writing for me. i love writing because i love my characters. even when they do questionable shit like fail to examine themselves before asking out the fake boyfriend they’ve been seeing for like five months now.

but alright. let’s backtrack. back to plot bowing down to character. the only way i could justify throwing yuuji & megumi into a relationship is if characterization necessitated it, and the only way i could justify keeping those two original scenes in some form is if they serve the plot. so: scenes are worth keeping if they are in service of plot momentum, and plot momentum is only what it is because of character, and character informs what the scenes look like, etc. i’ve always preferred thinking of writing as a circular diagram feeding off each other in turn, not a line graph. it has to be a juggling act, though not a complicated one. there’s a point where it feels right, and i think that’s what i mean about chapter 4 being necessary chaos. it’s the chapter where everything — almost audibly — clicks in place for the momentum of the rest of the story. it’s where everything kind of wisps up towards the top without surfacing quite yet. going off the juggling metaphor, chapter 2 and 3 were one ball each thrown into the mix. chapter 4 is the third ball, is the first time all the balls in the act are at play.

as an aside, i think it feels that way for their dynamic, too. writing their relationship from yuuji’s perspective always felt like a balancing act — because he had so many things going on, yeah, but also because all these precarious elements that shift with the evolution of their relationship are so much more apparent on his side. that isn’t to put the blame on yuuji for what happens in chapter 6. i was very stubborn about making sure yuuji isn’t portrayed as helpless because of all the shit he had going on in this fic. if anything, it’s him taking charge of himself and his understanding of how he’s doing that centres the fic into what it is.

and that was one of the main things i had to ensure this chapter. that his panic attack still feels like him, and not someone desperately in need of megumi’s help. i want him to be full of agency and strength here, something that i also had megumi reinforce in the end of the panic attack scene. it also would have been easy to make this subversion about “it’s okay to ask for help” — because it is, but that would have been too simple for this fic’s purposes. yuuji knows it’s okay to ask for help. he doesn’t always feel like he deserves it, but he knows he has received help from many of his loved ones and is very appreciative of all of it. he just works a little too hard to give it back tenfold. so, here, i wanted to frame megumi as someone that yuuji explicitly knows he shouldn’t ask help from. and, with that, megumi as someone who’s only one name in an entire list of people yuuji can ask.

and i wanted to bookend that with yuuji putting some distance between them after the confession. he doesn’t know why yet (and neither did i at this point, to be honest, haha) but the confession isn’t quite right with its timing. but then he has a rough night, everything feels like it’s piling up, and there’s really one person he wants to see. not to sleep with (and i imagine yuuji’s heart sinks for a bit when megumi offers to take him home, at least until he realizes megumi intends to just look after him and nothing else) but just to see, whatever that would mean. he just wants to be with megumi. he just wants megumi to be there.

and megumi is there, except he’s also battling with the sheer panic of having to be there for a person he cares about so much. i don’t think we acknowledge enough how difficult it is to be there for someone going through a hard time — how lost and helpless that renders even the person helping, and how tripled that might be for someone who sees the world and wants to find order in it like megumi does. and i took the chance to form megumi’s idea of strength and weakness through gojo and his implied backstory with geto, something that megumi might actually romanticize a little without even knowing. you can’t singlehandedly help someone, no matter how much you love them. there’s hubris, in thinking you can. there’s self-destructiveness, in that hubris. megumi is so focused on bravery, on strength, that he leaves yuuji in the bath alone, regulating his breathing for himself. he cooks for yuuji, cares for him in his own way, yet he doesn’t even realize yuuji might want to be in the bath with him. that he doesn’t care about his spilled food anymore. he’s done this before. this time, megumi’s presence is the difference, yet he doesn’t truly get it until they sleep — at which point he holds on tight and only falls into peace then.

that’s another thing i wanted to keep track of, in writing this chapter. that being overwhelmed to the point of cracking is a tried and tested routine for yuuji, that his panic attack wouldn’t be anything dramatic and intense. his breaking point was something so simple and mundane, just that spilled takeout onto the train tracks, but it’s enough to push him over the edge. and i think that captures the feeling of being too full for what life keeps giving, more so than any big trigger. more often, it’s the sudden last straws. a laptop crashing before you can save your work, even though there is such a thing as recovery and backup. biting your tongue in the middle of a sentence and finding yourself tearing up because you’re suddenly so fed up with the world. it’s that over-inflated lump in your throat. the heat behind your eyes that prickles more than it floods. and that’s what i wanted yuuji’s panic attack to look like. something almost resigned, because, again, this isn’t the first time. he knows he’ll get through it. but he’s just so, so tired and wants to be held. held by no one else but megumi.

megumi, who’s still reeling from his conversation with nobara at the top of chapter 4. i maintain that this fic doesn’t have enough nobara (part of it is that i was sure i was gonna be able to write a nobamaki storyline on the side, of which you can see hints peppered throughout), but i’m glad that the scenes of her that are there are very definitive. i always think that nobara is in such a difficult position in any version of itafushi, including their canon selves; she has so much insight to who the boys are in themselves, which you can really see in how she talks and thinks of yuuji and how she deciphers megumi, and while i’m frustrated that i had to relegate her to a Dispenser of Insight and Wisdom role in flls, it also had to be her. it had to be her to squeeze yuuji’s hand at the breakfast bistro. it had to be her, later, to have the pre-wedding talk with megumi. and it had to be her, this time, bumping into megumi at work and forcing him to sit down (literally) and think about how he sees yuuji.

this scene also serves as a breather — as close to one, at least, as flls gives. it’s an interlude, almost. a break right in the middle of the fic. it’s meant to recentre megumi, though that doesn’t really work when the chapter ends with him asking yuuji out.

but — again. scene, plot, character, all intertwined. they have to be in a relationship for plot purposes, but the panic attack scenes ensure that megumi’s characterization is pushed into the only decision that makes sense for him after that. which is, circling back, to ask yuuji to date him. i know a decision has clicked into the right place when it feels final, when it doesn’t feel like i’m forcing anything into being what it is. or, best case scenario, when it feels like the only way this could have gone.

i think the ending to chapter 4 is, unfortunately, the only way it could have gone. it would come back to bite them, hard and painful, but it made sense with their psyches the way they are in that moment. it’s the start of the end, this chapter’s ending, but it’s still a start at that, and i think, when you love someone as much those two did, that matters a hell lot more than anything else.

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08 | LOVE LANGUAGE INTERLUDE

do i like toji in canon? i do. i think he’s a great character in terms of his place in the narrative. do i think he’s redeemable as a father? in complete honesty — i don’t know. my answer changes every day. but i know that while there are plenty of fictional fathers that i strictly, coldly don’t want to entertain the idea of redemption or empathy or understanding for, out of stubborn very personal bias, toji is definitely not one of them. if only when it comes to him, i detest the idea of thinking there are easy answers. this doesn’t mean there is no right or wrong answer, just that whatever the final answer might be, there will be plenty of factors that go into it.

but i was very generous to him in flls. that much is for sure, from the prologue to chapter 4 to everything else that came after. even i was surprised with the nuance he ended up containing, if only insofar as a foil to flls!gojo in megumi’s life. i think he’s a fucked up man in canon, and i think he did and would have made a fucked up father no matter how good the intentions, a fact that i promise i state gently, but i also think that can coexist with him being a fucked up product of his fucked up upbringing. does that excuse or justify or redeem him for anything? no, but and outside of canon and in the indulgence of flls, which semi-started for the indulgent reason that i want to see what an exchange between yuuji & toji would be like, this did give me themes to hone in on in examining love and how we learn to love as we grow up.

because i feel like — there’s been a lot of talk about how understanding your partner(s)’s love languages is key in a relationship. but then, going back to the way we love as a reaction to how we’ve been or haven’t been loved, isn’t your love language — at least for some people — just a reflection of the love you lack(ed)? i don’t know how true this is on a broad sense, of course, but it certainly was for flls yuuji and megumi. and it’s where i was able to justify writing megumi into the family networks that i did. writing about gojo and toji as his parental figures was one of my favourite parts of writing flls, but i’ll get to that in chapter 6.

for now, i was heading into chapter 5 knowing that there was going to be a fight at the end of it. and that if i was going to go into it assuming that love languages are a product of what was lacking in childhood, the focus is going to be on the friction between where yuuji & megumi differ on that front. except these are things we already know, even if subconsciously. their differences are things we know from canon, things we can tell from these first four chapters. so how do i shift this understanding a little bit so it lands a little harsher, digs a little deeper to the point that it’s almost uncomfortable? where it would make sense when they fight at the end of chapter 5?

i knew it was going to take a while to find an answer, so i decided to post the first four chapters in one go for megumi’s birthday and sit on it so i can get to a distance where i’ll (hopefully) be able to reevaluate where i should take the rest of it. i have a soft spot for this fic that i don’t often have for my work, and i was so attached to the world that i didn’t want to stop writing it, but i also knew it remained true that i wrote 49k in around three weeks and just. didn’t look back. so i was anticipating a lot of loose unintended threads that i’d have to tie up in the remaining three chapters, and i didn’t trust myself to see all of them until i’ve had some time away from the story.

the break lasted a month, and it admittedly left me rusty and frustrated. returning to flls to write chapter 5 resulted in 12k words’ worth of deleted scenes — but a necessary 12k, i maintain, because eventually, my divine solution came in a moment of remembering that flls is free playground real estate and i can try even things that a lazier me swore once i wouldn’t try. and to this day, i still think i couldn’t have done that chapter in a way that i would have allowed to be published if i hadn’t thought to throw everything to the wind and try second person. it unclogged whatever needed to be cleaned out of the way — and set me down the path for the second cour of the story.

・・・・・・

note: this is all i've had sitting in my drive since march, but i do cover the latter half + some kind of we in a separate roundup post.

#fics

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jarofstyles · 5 years ago

Text

Fan Club

A/N: This story.... it’s very near and dear to our hearts. We have a total of 7 parts written, 80k words total. It is our take on the PR relationship trope, mixed with Harry gets with a fan trope. It’s full of angst, full of sweet moments and smutty moments alike. We LOVE these two, they are quite literally our children. It is a bit more personal for the reader in some aspects, we know we have all imagined what it would be like to be with Harry at some point, so this goes out to you. We made Y/N of Russian decent in this one, just to make things fun ( and because we wanted some representation for our Russian babes out there 🤧). All in all, we are extremely proud to present Fan Club to you, we hope you enjoy ✨✨ - n + d

send feedback and requests here

masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: angst, glimmers of fluff

word count: 11.2k

It was hard for Y/N to explain how she ended up in this situation. Fake Dating international popster, Harry Styles. To be honest, it was all a bit of a crazy story even for Y/N. She couldn’t believe it either. Y/N was a simple girl with simple taste. Her older sister, Katya, owned a bakery called ‘for goodness bakes’ that’s been open for about 5 years, Y/N has been working there alongside her. She spent most of her time at the bakery, having just graduated with a degree in business marketing. She liked doing things most 22 year old girls liked doing: fun makeup, nights in with wine and romcoms, and of course being a fan of Harry Styles.

Since she was 12 years old, she had been a fan of One direction and well... Harry was always her favorite. She initially fell for his preppy appearance, but ultimately fell for his charm and quirkiness once she fell deep into the fandom. And she did fall deep. She had a stan account on every social media platform, she bought merch and multiple copies of albums, and even wrote fanfiction on wattpad. To say she was a big fan was an understatement.

About a month ago, Harry’s team had reached out to her via the email of her bakery. They had seen the post that she made, a picture of herself with a kiwi tart with the caption, ‘it’s none of your business.... unless?’ and had asked if they could have a meeting with her at their headquarters. Obviously, Y/N agreed to this meeting, thinking that they might want her to cater an event or something. But no, they wanted her to be his ‘girlfriend’.

They had explained to her that they had been searching for the perfect candidate who was not only a fan, but was also just a regular everyday girl. They said they liked her aesthetic and felt like she would suit Harry well. Her background in business marketing meant that she would be good at knowing what to post and her being a fan meant her love for him would be believable. The fans and media would eat this story up! It took Y/N a moment to comprehend what they were asking her to do, but they started bringing up numbers and Y/N couldn’t say no. This would get her and her sister out of debt and could pay for so much new equipment at the bakery. This sum of money could change her life. Plus, she’d get to fake date her idol? It seemed like an offer she couldn’t pass up. So she signed the contract.

That’s what landed her here, waiting patiently at the door of Harry’s secret London home where his manager Jeff said to meet the two of them to discuss the plan from here on out. Her heart was beating extremely quickly, wanting to keep things cool. She didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, she wanted him to like her and trust her.

Harry hadn't started off jaded. Granted, most didn’t. They had the sparkle and excitement. But Harry had lost it. Years and years in the industry, from when he was a teenager to present, it had ruined it for him. That excitement he had previously had been watered down immensely. A lot, actually. But he was mostly tired of the things that came with the job— not music itself.

Harry loved music. Making it, writing it, performing it. He loved his fans. But he hated what came with if. The people who constantly wanted things from him. Not a moment of privacy when he was out and about— though that had gotten better as his fans grew up, honestly. The media blowing up and twisting every bit of his words to fit their own wants. The fact that anyone he was seen with was a potential love interest in the eyes of the media. How they scared off and ruined good things for him because of it. He was tired of that. Every person who came to him made him wary. What was the motive? What was the reasoning behind them coming to talk to him? Fan or someone wanting a photo just for their Instagram? He wasn’t sure.

Relationships had been hard and for now, he’d basically sworn off of them. After the bad ending with Camille, he had decided to take a long break. Until the label said he should probably have a PR move, one unlike his previous ones. One involving dating someone posing as a fan. A regular person, without his level of fame. Someone relatable to fans. Or that’s what Jeff has said to him. At this point, Harry was used to being tugged around with his dating life so he agreed. Did he want to? No. But he was under contracts and he wasn’t going to fight something so stupid. It would be a few dates, hanging out. Right? He didn’t even have to talk much to her.

He was far too aware they probably offered her a good amount of money. Most likely why she was even there. So when he let Jeff open the door, he was annoyed with himself.

She was pretty. Fuck off. That’s how he felt. A lackluster wave was given to her, a nod as well as she sat down across from him at his oak dining table. Cute. Pretty hair, soft cheeks. Petal pink lips. If this wasn’t a stunt he would probably think she was a lot cuter, though.

A wave.

Years worth of build up for this moment and all Y/N had gotten was a wave? She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Y/N offered him a smile, a shy but genuine one before looking over at Jeff. Obviously she had known who Jeff was, how could she forget the iconic ‘help me Jeffrey!’ Quote. The hundreds of photos of them together. It was surreal, but her shock surprisingly helped her stay calm.

“Alright! Harry, Y/N. Y/N, Harry.” Jeff smiled at her, knowing Harry wasn’t happy about being here. “So have you been properly briefed about what’s required? It’s a lot more than we would usually ask of a project like this, a while longer.” He said. Harry looked at him in question. What?

“Yes, they gave me a brief outline at the meeting I went to but nothing too specific. They said you’d go over that here.” Y/N answered, pushing a few pieces of hair behind her ear. “Oh?” She asked, knowing she had signed a contract for a year. It was a long time but she assumed everyone was in it for that long. Y/N really didn’t know how PR relationships worked, she just assumed things about them through what she had seen on the internet and what all the stans were saying. She never really believed that people did things like this, but clearly, they did.

Y/N looked over at Harry once again, taking any spare moment she could to really take him in. He was just sitting there looking so fucking perfect. An angel in the flesh. This was the man who had sparked her sexual awakening, who had taught her to be a badass bitch and to be kind to everyone she met. She knew she wasn’t his type and that this wouldn’t really end up like a fan fic, but she couldn’t wait to at least become his friend.

“Wait— how long?” His voice was deep and rather cold, but he wasn’t aware it was longer than usual. Granted— his own fault. Jeff said to look over the contract and he had just signed. It had been so many years of reading contracts he was tired of it.

“A year. There’s a clause to extend it if need be, or shorten after 8 months.” Jeff shot him a look. “But that’s only one of the differences. I know you’re tired H, but get it together.” He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Y/N here is the perfect girl next door. We found her to be perfect to do this with you. But it’ll be different because it’ll be a confirmed relationship. All other stunts, they’d been left to interpretation and never spoken about them. Blacklisted questions in interviews, etc. but we’re going with the narrative of you both being quite comfortable talking about it. Y/N won’t have to admit much considering she has her own life and job outside of this, but you’ll be talking about it in interviews. About this lovely girl who made you rethink how you went about relationships.” It was odd. A whole storyline for their relationships.

“We know how to work this. You’ll both first be photographed together downtown. Harry holding your hand, Y/N. And then we will plant things in each of your social media posts to hint at it. Seemingly innocent but, a tattoo of his in the background. Wearing a shirt he has recently worn. His journal. All of those things.” Jeff explained the beginning of it. “From there, you’ll be more open. Post photos or do those Instagram stories your bakery is good at, Y/N. Have his voice in the background. Be photographed out and about. Simple things, grocery shopping. Y/N will come to your small gig, Harry. Hang around with your mum, and wear one of your rings on a necklace.” He would buy one and wear it for a bit before giving it to her so there was proof it was his. “When we get into it... we’re thinking cute Instagram posts from both of you. Open. Affectionate. A bit of an acting job. You’ll both be good at it though. I am confident you both can handle it.” He wasn’t sure how nonchalant Harry was seeming, though. Y/N seemed uneasy with how out of it Harry seemed to be and he didn’t blame her.

“That’s quite a lot more than I bargained for.” Harry spoke again, sighing. “I suppose if it’s necessary for the numbers. I don’t know why I can't just do a meet and greet or something but. Okay.” He muttered.

Harry’s voice didn’t sound like the Harry Y/N knew. It was rather rough and not in the way she had grown to like it. It made her look away from him quickly, not wanting to piss him off. Maybe he was just having a bad day? She couldn’t really blame him. She was sure having all these fake relationships probably sucked. The tasks seemed fairly easy. Y/N knew that the team would be there to remind them about things and well, if she got to hang around Harry all the time, it really couldn’t be that bad. She really wanted to get to know Harry and hoped that he wanted to do the same. It would be more fun that way.

“You know why. Y/N is perfect. The fans will love her. She’s gorgeous, but has the girl next door stuff about her. Plus, she’s very nice. You’ve been lovely, Y/N.” Jeff turned to her, attempting to comfort her.

Y/N really needed to stop giving Harry the benefit of the doubt. He just kept proving her wrong. The tension between Harry and Jeff showed that Harry really wasn’t on board and it made Y/N feel strange. She thought that Harry had agreed to this and knew all the conditions, she didn’t think this was something that was sprung on him that he didn’t really get to think about. She smiled shyly again at Jeff’s compliment, looking back at Harry to try and read him.

“I’m sure it’s weird having some stranger come around to be your girlfriend and all, but it’s just as new for me if that makes you feel better.” Y/N really wanted him to like her. Like really wanted him to like her.

Harry wasn’t sure what she was playing at. What she wanted. If it was more money or fame or whatever. He wasn’t sure exactly why she was doing this either besides for money. Whoever wanted to do this for fun would be absolutely crazy.

“Thanks.” Harry nodded stiffly. Half of him didn’t like treating her coldly, but the bigger part was terrified of getting hurt. If she was using him for more money. Going to ask him to introduce her to someone else. No one ever liked him for him. They liked the things that came. The attention and money, luxury that was thrown at him. It was never for him or his love or jokes or interests.

Sure, people pretended to care but he knew far better than that. People didn’t care. They used him as a step stool to get what they wanted. Means to an end. Just like his last relationship that had really hurt him.

Okay so he didn’t like her. Cool. Y/N couldn’t say it didn’t hurt because it definitely did, but she couldn’t sit here and cry about it. Y/N had come to this meeting and signed a year long contract and there was no getting out of it. So she sucked it up, looking back at Jeff who had explained what he wanted them to do.

“So what we’ll do is have you both take photos of things today. Harry, you take a photo of your new guitar and have the flowers in the background. Y/N, you’ll take photos of the flowers and have just the bottom of the guitar on the counter.” It must be shocking for someone who wasn’t in the industry to see how this was so calculated.

“Would you want us to post them at different times then?” Y/N questioned, assuming hers would be uploaded first. If she posted it before Harry people would be more likely to connect the dots that the two of them were together. Well, that’s what Y/N would think as a fan. Being a fan and having a fan’s perspective would really help her in these situations because well, she knew what they wanted to hear and what they would think based on what she posted. Y/N felt like she could fully manipulate the fans to think whatever. It was quite simple really.

Y/N’s main account proved that she was a normal girl who also happened to be a Harry stan. She followed Harry on all the socials, but he probably would wait to follow her until they were public. That would make more sense. They needed to build up the story.

See. Harry wasn’t aware that she was a fan fan. There were plenty of people who went to his shows and shit for Instagram photos and videos. He didn’t even know her socials though so he didn’t check. It was maybe a little shitty of him to have a preconceived notion about her when she hadn’t barely talked to him, but he knew so many people who wanted to be in her position. Wanted to ‘date’ a celebrity until they found out that they have to travel with them and have to deal with fans and other people wanting your significant other.

“I’m thinking not too far apart. Take the photos today but... hm. You post first. And then Harry will later. It’ll have people looking later on when they see the flowers. Fans are so insightful and research thoroughly.” Jeff was sure she knew that though. She’s had a fan account. “I have to go take this call— Harry, why don’t you tell Y/N about the album?” He excused himself then, going out and into the other room.

No, no, Jeff, don’t leave. Y/N sighed to herself, nervous as all hell to be in a room with Harry alone when he had made it clear that he didn’t really want anything to do with her. But maybe they could talk about his album like Jeff suggested? Y/N loved his music, she often played it at her bakery. She was excited for the new album to drop and had genuine questions about it.

Harry felt a bit on the spot but he just shrugged. “S’almost done. Don’t have a title yet. Choosing the singles soon I think.”

“That’s exciting.” Y/N smiled, “would you say it’s within the same vein as self titled or did you go in a different direction?” She asked not wanting to sound like an interviewer but this was a genuine question. God this was so uncomfortable for her, she wanted to run away and cry. She never thought that her idol would make her feel so uncomfortable in his presence. She was in his home and he clearly didn’t want her there, clearly didn’t want to have a fake girlfriend, and he was letting her know that pretty obviously whether he knew it or not.

The thing is, Harry knew he was making her uncomfortable but he didn’t really know how to stop it either. It wasn’t like he wanted to be fake. He didn’t want this. He wanted to be left alone with his music and his fans. Not a pretend fan posing as his girlfriend. That wasn’t ideal. No, he would much rather have real conversations with fans that weren’t paid to sit in his house and pretend to be interested in his music. He knew that Jeff wanted him to play nice though, so he answered the question vaguely. As always.

“Different. A lot of different influences I guess. A lot of different things I wanted to make. It’s fun to do it.” God, Harry was being bland. But his fears drowned out the guilt he felt. Yeah, maybe it was harsh. He knew that. But he also knew that he would regret it if he didn’t. Who knew what this chick would spill to the press later on? What she would want from him! What else she would ask Jeff for.

“Well that’s good. I’m glad to hear it was fun.” Y/N nodded at his answer, feeling discouraged because he really didn’t seem like he was going to warm up to her no matter what she did. Y/N didn’t want to ask anything too specific in fear that he’d think she was a crappy fan, and well, she didn’t know how else to get him to warm up to her. These tricks usually worked on grumpy customers at the bakery.

She wanted the earth to swallow her up. She was so embarrassed. She was just sat there, praying that she could leave soon so she could lock herself in her room and cry. The worst part was, no one, literally no one, could know about this relationship being fake. There could be no loose ends.

“Again, I’m sorry about all this. Can’t imagine being in your position...” Y/N showed genuine empathy for him, attempting to get him on her good side one more time. Y/N wouldn’t give up on being kind, after all, he was the one that taught her that. It was just strange that he was acting this way towards someone he was going to be working closely with. Maybe this was just how he treated people professionally. He wasn’t mean, but he was cold. Y/N was still a fan at heart though and despite how he treated her she still would give her life for him. She loved him, cared for him, and would genuinely support him. It made her wonder if his whole nice guy persona was even real.

The hell? Why was she apologizing? Harry thought. She was the one getting paid for it. If he wasn’t in this position she wouldn’t be getting paid well. He wasn’t sure why this Y/N girl was trying to be so nice to him. No way in hell she could possibly imagine his annoyance. Perhaps she was a nice person or something, usually. But he was pretty positive she wasn’t rich and definitely did it for the money. It made him wary of being close to anyone when they were in this situation. Any time he had made friends with past stunts, they’d faked being truly wanting to hang out with him. Once it ended, they weren’t interested in hanging out when people couldn’t see them. It had hurt when he realized it was a pattern.

Jeff came back in with a smile, but not oblivious to her sad face. Harry would get chewed out after, for sure. “Alright! I need you both to exchange numbers so you can communicate about meeting up. It’ll be pretty frequently.”

Y/N looked at Jeff with a small smile, nodding her head before pulling her phone out and handing it to Harry. She had changed her lock screens to something a bit more ordinary. After all, she didn’t want Harry thinking she was creepy or anything. Hanging out with Harry is something that she should be excited about, but suddenly the idea of it kind of scared her. Being alone and struggling to make conversation because she was just that intimidated by him. It was making her rethink all the years that she had spent fangirling over him. He didn’t know she was a fan, maybe that’s why he treated her the way he did? If he knew would he be fake and all over it? She didn’t want to know.

“My days off from the bakery are Mondays and Wednesdays. But I know you probably have a set schedule so just let me know and I’ll work around it.” Y/N offered, genuinely wanting to show both Harry and Jeff that she was more than willing to cooperate. She wasn’t sure how she would get herself out of this one.

Harry sighed as he put his number in. God, he hoped she didn’t sell it. He didn’t want a new number. Someone had sold his number to fans before and it had sucked. As much as he adored his fans? He didn’t want them calling him every second. He was hesitant in handing her his phone. It was something he didn’t trust many people with but she tenderly took it and typed her own number in. Didn’t even try to snoop which was good— but then again, he was looking at the phone in her hand.

Y/N was gentle with Harry’s phone in her hand, typing in all of her information into the contact so he didn’t have to ask. Something told her he would be annoyed having to asking her for her address if need be. So she just put everything in there, her birthday, her email, her phone number and the bakery number, as well as her address.

“Monday’s and Wednesday’s work with him. He’s recording Thursday Friday and Sunday to give the voice a rest. Has some writing sessions he will take you to.” Jeff was annoyed as hell at Harry’s lack of kindness. He’d have to give him his own brand of talking to, but wasn’t sure if it would do much good. He was quite a stubborn person. An Aquarius at heart.

“That’s good. Yeah, I don’t know if you’re a morning person or if you like getting your sleep so um.. yeah just text me.” Y/N spoke kindly, still trying her hardest to be as accommodating as possible. To Y/N it wasn’t about the money, sure the money helped, but it was about giving Harry fans someone they could genuinely look up to. Y/N was a normal girl. She had normal sizes, normal tasks, normal likes as a human. She was a kind person. The fans would quickly find her information, quickly find out that she is a fan and would quickly see that Harry was finally dating someone that represented them. They had wanted someone like that for years, but too bad it was all fake.

Harry understood the context of it. He was going to date someone ‘normal’. Not in the world of the famous. Which in some cases, Harry wouldn’t mind. But there would be tons of things Y/N wouldn’t understand. What to be quiet about. Who to talk to and who not to. Privacy. Things she wouldn’t just... get. He had been in this life for 10 years now. It was his normal. And Y/N would have to learn it all and keep her mouth shut.

“I am. I get up at 6.” He usually did. He could sleep in but he wasn’t the type of thing he did often. What she didn’t know was he had an awful time sleeping and needed to take stuff to help him. His mind never stopped, was always going. There was a lot Y/N didn’t know about him. He would do his best to make sure she didn’t find out.

It was hard for Y/N, continuing to be kind, but to keep herself from crying. She felt so out of place and so unwelcome, god she hoped that he would warm up to him. Maybe this was a terrible idea? Too bad she was in it for the long haul now.

“Jeff, I have a question.” Y/N spoke up shyly, “obviously people don’t know anything about this yet, so there isn’t a microscope over my life just yet. I want to make sure I take all the precautions I can to keep my privacy to an extent, but also don’t violate Harry’s.” She genuinely was worried about that. She didn’t want to say too much or do the wrong things, she also didn’t want people finding out where she lived. Where she worked, sure, well... she probably would have to stop working at the bakery if things got too hectic. Y/N looked at Harry once again, a soft and gentle expression on her face. She wondered what it was about her that was making him act this way because this wasn’t the Harry she knew, not at all. All she wanted to do now is go home as quickly as possible and cry. She really wanted to take her posters down, really wanted to hide everything but frankly, everyone would question why she suddenly took things down. Y/N had to continue to keep her cool.

Jeff’s face softened. they’d lucked out with this one. Harry was an idiot when it came to things like this, put his blinders on— he knew well enough. But Y/N would help his career. Hell, maybe she could be his friend and help him come out of the funk he had been in with trusting people.

Harry didn’t let it show on his face, but he was impressed with what she said. It didn’t change much, but he had it on the back of his mind. No one else had to think of these things before because they’d just known, but the fact that she had asked was nice. Time would only tell if it was genuine, though.

“That’s a good question— I was actually about to ask about your social media. You’re going to need to change passwords. Verify everything twice. Take any potential tracking information away like the whole location finding on your phone so your friends can find you. Any social media accounts not reported to us originally in our first meeting would need to be shown. I suggest doing a deep clean and moving things out of it, as much as you can. Not enough to make you look like you did it on purpose. But... think of what you’d look for.” Jeff knew Y/N was a fan so she would have a similar brain.

“Okay yeah, I’ll need some help with that.” Y/N blushed, looking down at her hands. She had reported all her socials to them, yes, all of them. All her fan accounts and her main accounts. She wasn’t sure how to turn off all the tracking things or what to take down. She wasn’t problematic in any sense, so it wasn’t like she had any content she needed to delete. But it would probably be things like taking locations off of photos and turning off her location on snap map and for any of her friends that had her on there. She had actually done the latter this morning.

“Also, I really don’t intend on telling anyone about this unless you give me the go ahead. So please, if there is anything you need me to do, let me know?” Y/N really was trying to think of everything here. She wanted to make sure this was seamless because she knew the fans would be like hawks over another fan being Harry’s girlfriend, if they found out it was PR they’d be crushed. Their whole image of Harry would be ruined. They needed to make this as real as possible. Y/N had so many suggestions, so many insights on what it was like to be a fan. She definitely wanted to speak up about anything that could potentially ruin this because well, this was Harry’s career and they couldn’t be caught doing this.

“Perfect! You’re going to do well with this, Y/N.” Jeff had been the one to find her so technically, this was his finding. He hoped that she could get Harry to realize how weird he was being. Because ultimately? He was a nice guy. He loved his fans, his friends and his family. Strangers scared him. He didn’t know who to trust and that made him act strangely. His team knew it. He was always polite to people he worked around but when it came to people invading his personal life, getting close? He said, no ma’am. “I’m happy that you’re aware of how it works a little. It makes it a bit easier. Harry here has had a few almost disasters with these types of things.” Jeff smirked at him, making Harry grumble and blush a little bit. Fuck. That wasn’t something he liked talking about too much. “Anyways... Y/N, we need you to be yourself. That’s why you were chosen, yeah? Just continue on. Be less active on that other twitter account of yours for the moment.” He had a whole plan for that. “Don’t stop completely but... I’ll send you ideas of what to tweet. Keep it vague but that you’re excited.”

Harry didn’t know about the fan account. He would have, if he had read any paperwork, but right now he didn’t have a clue.

They wanted her to be herself, which shouldn’t be too much of a problem. She just had to be aware that Harry was in her life now, consistently. He was her ‘boyfriend’ now. That’s something Y/N never thought she’d say. But here she was.

“Okay, can do.” Y/N nodded, already knowing not to tweet as much on the fan account because well, she wouldn’t be doing that if she was hanging out with Harry. It would be hard for her not to tell anyone but she knew she had to do it. This was her duty as a fan to the fans, to make them feel represented and loved. “And what’s the story? Like how we met?” Y/N asked, feeling like that was important to know as well. She mostly asked for Harry’s sake because he clearly didn’t read the contract or the emails that had been sent around on the topic. This was an important first meeting, she assumed Harry wouldn’t want to hang out with her today but they probably would sometimes next week.

“Well, we wanted to leave that up to you. I had the idea of you both frequenting the same coffee shop— and before you both roll your eyes, I know it’s a fan fiction trope and I know that. But it’s believable considering Y/N doesn’t have any true connection that would be explainable to the music or entertainment industry.” Jeff explained. “If you have better ideas, Y/N, please feel free to tell me. However— we are trying to show this as you both fell for one another quite quickly. You both are very fond of one another and are around each other quite a lot.” He knew that Harry would be hard to deal with so he was definitely going to be offering Y/N some sort of bonus. “I think after the photos, we will have you both photographed leaving a dinner together next week. You’ll go with both myself and my girlfriend so it won’t be just throwing you two into the water.” Plus, he didn’t want her to be alone with Harry like that out in public without experiencing it first with him there. Jeff felt slightly protective of her, too. Like a little sister. “Also, I know you already said he’s but being clear— you’re okay with hand holding and physical touches in public with him, yeah? And for photos?”

Y/N laughed at the idea, “I mean that does work.” She said shrugging to herself. “But do we have anything to back that up? Have we ever been to the same coffee shop at the same time where someone who works there can confirm?” Y/N was really thinking about every detail here. “Jeff you’ve been to my bakery before haven’t you? Could just run with the fact that we became acquainted and you introduced us?” She felt like that was far more believable and paps wouldn’t have gotten photos of Jeff anyway so the story was contained between Harry’s team and her bakery. Her coworkers wouldn’t know who Jeff is, it was really fool proof. Also, did he say dinner next week? Wow, that was fast but she would be ready. “Where is dinner going to be? Just want to think about what I should wear.” Y/N blushed, wanting to make sure she looked nice for their first encounter together. Something very her but very consistent with something Harry would like on a girl. Y/N had been following Harry for ages, she knew what kind of outfit to wear based on what kind of restaurant it was. A casual dinner outfit for Harry was quite dressed up, so she’d probably end up doing a bold trouser, heeled boot, and plain blouse combo.

“Actually— that’s a good idea. I didn’t think about the staff thing. This was definitely done at the last minute so I’m not on my A game right this moment. Wonderful— lets do that.”

Harry didn’t know anything about her, he realized. She worked in a bakery? He did when he was younger. He wasn’t sure if she knew that or not but it did make him a tiny bit more interested in her. Why would she do this? There had to be a real reason. He was positive.

“Actually— Harry, go in there a few times this week. Make it somewhere people know you go. It’ll be believable that you found a new place and love it. And some of her coworkers will catch on, so on and so forth. I can call a tip, perhaps tomorrow? I know it’s starting early but we are on a schedule.” Jeff noted.

Harry was going to go to write tomorrow, but that obviously wasn’t about to happen. “I guess so. I can make time.” He had a pretty free day otherwise but it still annoyed him. However he was hoping there were good treats. Harry was a good actor when it came down to it. He hoped she could tell— didn’t want to thrust her about with his actions. In public was acting. All of it.

“And yes, about the touches and stuff. As long as it’s something Harry would actually do in public, yeah.” Y/N explained, knowing Harry was relatively private when he was in relationships. He didn’t do much PDA and she’d be okay with anything he was okay with. “Just um, let me know what’s okay.” It was a bit nerve—wracking, having to do all of this and make sure everything was sorted. Y/N knew a lot about Harry so she was positive that it wouldn’t be a problem, she’d only learn more. It was Harry that had to do a bit of learning about her. He would find out most things about her fairly quickly, she was an open book.

“What type of baked good do you like?” Y/N asked, genuinely curious. “I’ll have some for you come around, pack you a little box.” She blushed, expressing something to him that she had always wanted to do. She knew he was a baker back in the day, maybe they’d bond over it?

Her coworkers would be shocked that Harry would be there considering Y/N was a massive fan and they knew that. But that’s when Y/N would tell them about it all. “You want me to tell my staff what exactly?” She wondered, “that we are kinda sorta seeing each other? Or that we’re just seeing how things go?”

“Uh— I like lemon things. Ginger cookies. Scones.... anything really.” Harry said quietly. It wasn’t said as coldly as the last couple words had been. Maybe it was because of baked goods? Regardless.... he was hoping that said bakery was good. He was obviously going to pay for them.

“He also loves red velvet cupcakes.” Jeff piped up. “But I think that it’s a lovely idea, being familiar with what he likes... you’ve been so smart.” She really was. It was almost scary. Jeff approves immensely. Even Harry had to admit it was surprising to see her full of good ideas. “I think you should say you’ve been seeing one another. Not sure about where it will go but you really like him. Trust me— Harry here will be able to make them believe he’s very into you. His ability has made it so we’ve never been caught doing this thing. Not like that Camila and Shawn couple. They’re having leaks all over.” He winced. Their poor PR.

Y/N smiled and nodded at him, already having in mind what she would have ready for him when he came. She had an incredible lemon bar recipe and some other bits. Of course red velvet cupcakes. “Red Velvet are my favorite too. And carrot cake.” She commented, blushing once again. It’s true, Harry had been very good at all the PR relationships. She’d soon find out which ones were and which weren’t. She was determined to be the most coveted of them all though, the one that stuck out and actually stuck around hopefully. But she was positive that she’d fall for Harry’s act, hell, she’d fallen for him a long long time ago. “My staff is really tight knit, my sister runs most things actually. I trust they’ll keep things on the down low if I ask them to.” Y/N nodded, knowing that nothing would slip past her team unless instructed. She had a good feeling about all of this, they seemed to have most things under control. Y/N would help tie up loose ends that fans might think of and as long as they followed her lead, it would work.

“If you feel as though your sister can truly hold a secret, you can tell her. It wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t have someone to lean on.” Jeff said. He trusted her enough. Harry looked at him suspiciously.

“Wait— hold on. What about an NDA?” Harry asked hurriedly. “We can't have any bit of this shit going out.” He was scared. So scared of someone finding out and thinking he was some damn fraud.

“Harry— it’s fine. I’m sure she had enough sense to judge that a sister would tell or not. It’s up to her, anyways. Just remind her of the immense legal action that could take place if someone were to talk.” Jeff shrugged, knowing that Y/N really did know. “But we’ll have a tip called in about a bakery he’s been rumored to go to— no way that they’ll know if it’s true— and they’ll probably take shots through the window. We can escalate later during the week to him picking you up from work to bring you home. Something like that before the dinner.” He thought out loud. “Thoughts? Y/N?” Harry has been quiet. He didn’t like these things so he didn’t say much. Just let them plan whatever and wing with it later on. He was kind of shut down internally.

“I’ll think about it. But I’m still apprehensive to tell anyone. I wouldn’t want this getting out regardless... I wouldn’t want fans to lose trust in Harry just because I decided I wanted to tell my sister.” Y/N explained, knowing she’d probably tell Katya if it got too intense, but for now, she wasn’t saying anything. “Seems fine. I think once a week or maybe twice a week is more than enough. Don’t want to over kill either. Essentially, if he’s in the area he can pop by.” Y/N explained, thinking that was the best way to go about it. “I know you said we are on a schedule but you don’t want it to look unnatural either.” She said and sighed as she looked over at Harry.

He really didn’t seem to like this and she understood but she hoped that he would loosen up even a little bit. She wasn’t a terrible person, all he had to do was ask. Y/N was pretty much an open book. “Is there anything else?” Y/N asked, eager to get things done and maybe chat to Harry a bit if he was willing before going home.

“I don’t think so. We’re going to try and take it as it comes so we don’t overwhelm you.” Jeff was the main talker and Harry was kind of just sitting and watching. Trying to read her. Either she was a very good hiding person, or she was good. Either way, he didn’t trust her. Lots of people had seemed sweet and generous and fun when he had first met them only to turn out to absolutely wreck his fragile heart. He knew he was fragile that way and he had given people the benefit of the doubt one too many times. He didn’t trust his own radar anymore. The more Harry looked, the prettier Y/N got— which was infuriating. It pissed him off internally because she had the type of lips every man wanted wrapped around their cock, and beautiful legs he had seen when she walked in. He never took women for granted, would never disrespect them, but his initial reaction was arousal and that made it even worse with his trust issues. Her eyes were soft and doll like but had a sharpness to them that he was far too aware of. She was smart. Incredibly so. And she was curvier than he usually dated— or was seen with, actually, because he had a few one nighters with girls that was far bigger than Y/N and he had loved it. He liked her body. It was a perfect mix, he thought. And then got annoyed about even thinking about it. Damn it.

Y/N nodded, “Alright, thank you very much. I’ll um... I’ll take the picture of those flowers and I’ll get out of your hair.” She chuckled apologetically, sensing that Harry really just wanted this to end and she would give that to him. He made her so nervous, now more so because she was scared of making him angry with her. Harry had always been someone she didn’t want to get on the bad side of. Harry was so nice to everyone that it really made her upset that for some reason he had singled her out and not liked her. It was disappointing. But I guess people were right when they say, never meet your idols. In many ways, Harry was Y/N’s ideal man. She liked how driven he was, how multi talented he was, how charming he was, how he was unapologetically himself. Plus he was scientifically proven to be one of the most attractive men on this planet next to ryan gosling. It was a shame that a lot of the things she had thought about Harry originally would slowly crumble as she got to know him better. It hurt, but she’d keep that hurt to herself. Just because the illusion was ruined for her didn’t mean it was ruined for everyone.

Harry felt bad, because she seemed to be in a hurry to leave. It was what he was supposed to want, so why did it make him so uncomfortable? He hadn’t wanted for her to be upset. Just... to keep her distance. She had these baby eyes and soft cheeks that looked sad and he wanted to give her a reassuring smile but he was trying to remind himself that there was potential danger here. Most likely she was a wannabe actress. Testing it out on him. Made sense.

“Okay.” He nodded, standing up. When he did so, he realized he was quite a lot taller than her. Usually, he had models who matched his height. But she was smaller. Cute. He hadn’t experienced that before. Knocking that thought out of his head, he took the photo of his new coke bottle green acoustic, letting the flowers show in the back before he rested it back up against the counter. Y/N took her turn with her picture, taking a bit more time than Harry. Probably a better result too, and he wished he had patience at the moment.

A ping of sadness spread over her, she thought maybe he’d pretend to try and get to know her a bit but nope. All hope was lost then and Y/N went to take a photo of the flowers in a way that would fit her personal Instagram aesthetic. She usually posted shit like this so it wouldn’t be too out there. Once she was happy with the photo she had slipped her phone back into her pocket, looking at Harry and Jeff with a small smile.

“Well, um, thanks for having me.” Y/N started off, pulling on her jacket. “And I’ll see you tomorrow?” She asked Harry with a small tinge of hope. He had said he would visit her bakery but she was still worried he wouldn’t show up. She felt so small. Being who she is, she went in for a hug anyway. Both figuratively and physically, Harry had intimidated her and she was weary about every move around him at the minute. Maybe she’d get used to it. “It was nice to meet you, Harry.” Y/N gave him a genuine smile, feeling even more shy now that she was so close to him.

This would be torture.

Harry was a bit startled, but relented and hugged back. It was a bit weak, but he gently patted her back. God damn it. Why was she acting so sweet and nice and innocent? He would almost rather her be truthful about her wants of money and fame. It would be a lot more tolerable.

“You as well.” He pulled back, face neutral. Thank god he had gotten his hard on down a decent amount. Never would he live this down. He didn’t just get hard for no reason. That girl had bamboozled him and was trying to trick him and wouldn’t let it happen. When she left, Harry continued to stare at her back before the door shut. And then he was promptly slapped upside the head by Jeff.

“Ow! What was that for?” He hissed, rubbing the spot he had been smacked. Jeff Gave him an incredulous look, shaking his head.

“You idiot. You’re going to scare away someone who will ultimately help your career and relationship with your friends.” Jeff scolded. “That girl is nothing but sweet. She’s doing this for you, and you know why. She’s a kind person and you better not make her run on us early. Do you want the press to get wind of it? She could talk, if you really treat her poorly. Looked like a damn kicked puppy when you wouldn’t talk to her.” He got his dad face on, crossing his arms.

“You’re going to have to suck it up. Regardless if you actually like her or not, you’ve got to be decent to her. She’s stuck with you for a year.” Harry was irritated with that. Stuck with him? Although... maybe he was accurate with that.

Y/N tried her best to keep her tears at bay, putting on some music that would keep her energy up until she was in the comfort of her own home. She had been as discreet as possible leaving Harry’s secret London home. To the public, he lived somewhere in Hampstead which was actually closer to where Y/N lived in Camden.

After about an hour on public transportation, Y/N had finally made it back to her cozy flat. Tears immediately began to form as she unlocked the door, sniffling as she took off her coat and threw it to the ground with an absent mind. She ran to her room, storming to the bathroom to grab a roll of toilet paper. She needed to be prepared. How could someone she looked up to so much been such a dick to her? She could understand he didn’t trust strangers, but he truly made her feel like she wasn’t even worth basic human respect. Y/N was trying to be as kind as possible to him despite him being such an asshole to her and even still, he gave her a weak hug and response. As if she was a chore. It made her feel sick to her stomach. So she cried for a while, showered, got cozy in bed and went to sleep. She had early mornings at the bakery seeing as everything was freshly baked. So she was up at 3:30 every morning to make sure she was ready for their opening at 7.

----

‘Hello. I am coming in at 9:30. H.’

Harry looked it over. It wasn’t too friendly but wasn’t too rude, right? He was overthinking. Y/N had made him think last night. He hoped he hadn’t hurt her too badly, because while he did see her sad eyes he thought he was making it up in his head to try and feel bad for her. Jeff has confirmed it and made that ugly feeling in his stomach crawl into his throat. He sat and thought about how to make it so they were at a distance, but she wasn’t too hurt. Every part of the scared side of him said to continue his actions, though. He wasn’t being mean. Right? ‘Wrong. You dick.’ The other side of him told him. Conflict was something he saw all too much of in his life. He knew too well about the issues at hand. But he had always taken it so he wasn’t sure how not to prepare for it.

Pulling up to a quaint little bakery, Harry smiled to himself. It was cute. A punny name. He liked it. Somewhere he definitely could see himself going randomly if he had seen it. Parking his car across the street, he sat for a moment and gathered himself. Now to prepare for being cute to her.

Y/N would be lying if she said she didn’t smile at the text. She had always imagined getting a text from Harry and here she was getting a text from Harry. It wasn’t anything special, but it was to her despite how sad he had made her yesterday. She had dressed herself in a baby blue sweater and overalls, putting her hair up into a messy yet contained bun. All that crying yesterday made her eyes fairly puffy so she made sure to do some fresh, no makeup makeup look. She wanted to look cute if he was coming.

“What’s gotten into you this morning?” Katya asked, seeing Y/N’s giddy mood. They were currently baking everything they’d prepped yesterday, putting out all the freshly baked breads, bagels, cinnamon rolls, and donuts.

“Dunno, just... happy I guess.” Y/N smiled, saying it in a way that would raise questions. Perfect, get her thinking. Her excitement was genuine. He was going to come and see her and be sweet to her, it was like a whole new interaction between the two. Best part was, she could just play out everything she imagined in her head. It was a perfect set up. Jeff was so smart with getting a fan to do this.

“Hm. We’ll see. That looks like a boy smile.” Her sister really had no clue. Everyone knew she was a big fan, and would be absolutely floored when he came in.

Harry sighed against his steering wheel, he put on his big boy pants and decided to get a move on. Today, he wore a loose white button up with a few of the buttons undone, black trousers and red boots with ‘sucker’ on the back of them. He had been sent the whole collection and did quite like it. But his pea coat was unbuttoned, car keys stuffed into the coat pocket after locking the door. The little bells chimed as he walked in, and he took a look around. It was very cute. Instagram worthy, some would say. It smelled really good too, which was a plus.

The earlier morning rush had passed, kids now at school and parents now at work. The rest of the day really consisted of prepping more goods and serving whoever came in. Y/N really liked working at the bakery, it was her safe space to be creative and feel good. She liked to spread the message of kindness she had learned from Harry into her store everyday.

There were a few people in the bakery when he came in, sitting drinking coffee and doing work. They hadn’t really noticed who it was, and even if they knew they didn’t seem to care too much. Y/N popped her head from out the back and smiled widely when she saw him, walking over to the register so she was closer to him.

“Good Morning, how can I help you?” She asked in a teasing tone, that giddy grin still on her face. Y/N was going to let him take the lead, letting him choose how this interaction would go but of course Y/N was going to turn up the flirt factor so that anyone surrounding them could tell there was something going on between the two of them. “You look nice.” She hummed.

“Hello, love.” Harry felt a weird gushy feeling in his stomach when she had smiled so widely at him. Fuck. Y/N looked so pretty. Hair perfectly messy, lashes long and eyes wide and glittering. Her lips had a bit of gloss or something along those lines and he wondered if it was flavored for a moment. “You do as well. Like the color.” He did, and that wasn’t even a lie. He loved the color and how it complimented her skin and hair. Made her eyes pop out. “I would really love a cup of coffee... and a hug.”

Though she was surprised, the look didn’t stay long on her face. Instead, he was met with a gushy smile and a crinkle of her nose, “can do, yeah.” Y/N hummed as she rounded the corner to come give him a proper hug. Closing her eyes as she snuggled into his chest for that brief moment.

God. Harry was fucking himself over with this, and he didn’t even know why he suggested that but his heart twinged when she looked surprised for a moment, but beamed like a ray of sun before rounding the corner. Her apron was taken off and he decided to take the initiative and hug her. It was a friendly hug, held for a bit too long. Her body was warm, warming him from the cold he had felt outside. Her cheek pressed against his chest which had been bare since he had forgone a few buttons, and his mouth felt dry. He hadn’t had a decent hug in months by anyone but his mother. Pulling back, he brushed a tendril of hair away that had escaped.

“I came to see if you’d be so kind and give me some pastries.” Harry spoke quietly, making the moment look private— even though he had heard the choked gasp and the whispering going on behind them— her coworkers. It was sweet really, the two of them clearly excited to see each other, but also not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that they were like that. It was perfect acting.

Well, she wasn’t acting. Y/N looked up at him with enamored eyes, the smile never leaving her face as he even spoke quietly to her.

“Of course, how many are you thinking?” She asked just as quietly, biting her lip a little as she hesitated to move back behind the counter to get his coffee going. “Black coffee yeah? For here or to go?” Y/N confirmed, knowing that he didn’t take cream or sugar in his coffee from being a fan. She’d just say Jeff told her.

Her coworkers were bewildered, Katya’s eyes nearly popping out of her socket as she watched the interaction unfold. Y/N giggled at them, shaking her head as she went to get a box for Harry’s goods.

“What would you like? Anything you’d like, on the house.” Y/N told him, standing behind the massive glass cases full of baked goods. “Lemon bars, red velvet cupcakes, and anything else?”

“Absolutely not on the house, I’ll be paying. Nice try though, pet.” Pet was a good nickname for her. She was a responsibility— but a cute one. Even if it burned his ass to think about her like that. But right now? Y/N was plenty cute— and she acted very, very well. Harry almost believed this true excitement. Thankfully, he found that he fed off of that energy from her acting. “You already know? Impressive.” Harry looked at her with a gentle smile. “Yeah, the coffee black. Lemon bars, the cupcakes. Hm. Throw a few random cookies in there too. I’ll be going to write for a little while.” That was good to do, right! Throw in a daily activity. He felt his mind was off when he was around her. It went a little crooked, was the best way to say it. He got distracted and honestly? It was kind of infuriating. He supposed it wasn’t her fault, unless she was secretly a siren and singing a silent song. Or had a spell attracting him to her, even though he was fighting it hardcore.

“Hey.” Y/N pouted when he refused her offer, “let me do something for you.” She said firmly because she meant it. A few baked goods and some coffee cost her nothing in the long run, but she wanted to do something nice for Harry because all the fancy dinners and experiences about to come were something she’d never be able to repay him for. Y/N packed everything up in the box, even adding a cute little note that said ‘tell me which was your favourite — Y/N ❤️ xx’. She put it into a paper bag and set it on the counter next to the cup of coffee. She was actually quite excited for him to try them, she wanted his opinion and frankly she knew they were damn good.

“Long day ahead of you then?” Y/N asked, referencing him writing. She was genuinely asking because she cared, wishing that he was comfortable enough with her that she could come and give him a cuddle when he got home. What was she thinking? This isn’t real, he’s acting. And she’s meant to be acting as well.

It did strike him off that she didn’t take the money. Or the offer of paying. Usually people say that when they want it anyways and just expect you to insist, but she really didn’t seem to care about it. Which... was suspicious. While the bakery was very cute, it definitely wasn’t high end. He could tell they needed some new chairs and definitely some updated paint but he thought it added to the charm. Maybe they truly couldn’t afford it? He was curious as to what the hell she spent the money she was going to get on.

It was true that the bakery was a little bit worn, but with the money she’d be getting from this contract halfway through? They’d be able to afford closing for however long they needed to renovate. Y/N has even wanted to buy the space upstairs as well and host small acoustic gigs for local musicians.

“Uh.. I mean, a little bit. I’ll be writing a bit and then going to a very boring meeting.” It was the truth. God, how was he going to be able to focus? Harry was fighting a battle internally with how it was with her, trying to read things and find warning signs but it was hard. She was scary. Not in an outright way— but the way that. If this was real! If he had just walked in and met her at the coffee shop and didn’t think this was acting? He’d give her his number. She had an amazing charm around her that he was positive she had to know about— though acted as though she didn’t. “I hate to cut it short, pet. But I’ll talk to you soon, yeah?” He took hold of her smaller hand and squeezed it, before stuffing a hundred pounds into the tip jar. He turned around before she could protest, only turning when he got to the door to shoot her a wink. And as soon as he was out the door, he heaved a heavy breath. Christ. Why?

“Aw well, text me if you get too bored.” Y/N gave him a cheeky smile, leaning on the counter a little bit so she was closer to him. “Have a good day, pet.” She teased right back, smirking as he started to walk off. He really didn’t have to put a hundred pound note in there, that was flexing a bit, but it was very nice. It would go straight towards the bakery as it normally did.

3..2..1…

“What the actual fuck was that?” Her sister came storming over with wide eyes. “Y/N— that was... he's all over your walls. He has been on them for years and now he’s callin’ you pet?” She was shrieking but for good reason. Harry bloody Styles came in and hugged and flirted with her sister, they seemed to know each other well enough. It was incredibly shocking and Y/N hadn’t said a damn word to anyone. She used to stay up to watch his tv show appearances— hell, Katya was 99% sure she still did. But now? “You guys have each other’s numbers.... Y/N, you can't be for real.” Her eyes were wide as she looked at her blushing sister. Anyone would be just as freaked out. Harry was not only a celebrity, but she had seen the times she spent hundreds on tickets and had photos of him as her lock screen— which had mysteriously disappeared.

“Yeah, yeah he is.” Y/N giggled, blushing deeply as her sister looked at her in awe. Her sister knew first hand how much Y/N loved Harry. She had watched how Harry single handedly saved her from the darkest of times, how genuinely happy he made her. Hell, she even went to a show with her once just to see what all the fuss was about. Y/N wrapped her arms around her sister in a hug, squeezing her tightly because she really appreciated how excited she was. Her poor sister was convinced it was real and Y/N couldn’t break it to her. Couldn’t tell her Harry was actually really cold to her and not anything like that.

Truth is, Y/N had a really shitty love life. All her ‘boyfriends’ weren’t really boyfriends and Harry was sort of the one thing that kept her going. She just dreamed about what she wanted, dreamed about how Harry would treat her better in hope that one day maybe, she’d meet someone like him.

“His manager, Jeff. He comes here a lot you know... and he um, he introduced the two of us.” Y/N explained, being her shy and coy self. It was 100% believable.

----

Harry went to the writing session and found himself writing about her eyes. Bright eyes and lush thighs and every bit of silky hair he wanted to wrap around his hand. He had very dirty thoughts about this girl and it translated in to paper.

Harry had to go home and jerk off. And it was embarrassingly quick. He thought about how her sweater had dipped down and he’d seen the swell of her breasts, imagining taking her back behind that counter and fucking her sweet cherry mouth and watching his cum drip from her lips down to her tits. Knowing that in his fantasy world, she’d be walking around with his cum on her— and that was quickly done.

The guilt he felt after though? It was annoying. He was so cold to her but wanted to fuck her raw. So in that guilt, he went up to the kitchen and tasted a lemon square— nearly fucking moaned. It was so good. He knew it was part of the whole thing to go there, but he wouldn’t be complaining because if he got those every time? He would be set.

‘Lemon square is good. Thanks. H.’

It was dry but also a compliment, so he didn’t feel so bad for using her face in his dirty mind.

Y/N was about half way done with her day when she got that text from Harry, smiling a bit because he actually decided to text her. Sure she left a note, but he didn’t have to text. That was a private thing that they did after all.

‘glad you liked them 🍋’

She wondered why on earth she felt so fucking happy. He had just popped in for a brief interaction but it made her whole day fly by. Before she knew it she was closing down the store, locking up to head home. “You going to see your man tonight?” Katya asked curiously and Y/N blushed.

“No, unfortunately. But we’re going for dinner next week with his manager and his wife.” Y/N told her, knowing stuff like that she could tell her. “Might hang out tomorrow though cause it’s my day off, but he’s a busy man so I’m not sure yet.” Even hearing herself speak about Harry like this was so strange, but she’d get used to it for sure.

--------------------------------------------

[part 2]

A/N: Harry :( why he have to be like that?? better hold on tight for this one - n+d

let us know what you think!

masterlist

#writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry writing #harry styles smut #harry styles #jarofstyles

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jenivi7 · 4 years ago

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writing tag game!

Thank you @clyde-side and @bdeblueyes for the tag!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22 plus a small handful on ff.net that I still intend to move over to AO3.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

30,445! I’m surprised it’s that much considering how short most of those stories are. (And it’s a little deceptive since it doesn’t include the 80k monstrosity that is Ryou and the Thief. That one’s probably going to stay on ff.net though.)

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Those Things He Keeps for Himself (Total agreement. Personally I think this is the best thing I’ve written so far.)

Human (Was at #1 until very recently! I attribute this entirely to the story being on @shinayashipper’s Rivalshipping Rec List. Thank you Red! <3 )

Black (From when I wandered into Homestuck fanfic for a brief time! I’m still stupid proud of this one though.)

Ghosts, Goths and Other Anxieties (original short story) (I swear I’ll get back to posting the big bang version soon)

Finality (This one’s so old but I guess people still like their tendershipping! I mean, same~)

4. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do try to respond to everything! I so appreciate when other authors respond to me and do my best to return that good good energy. Also I genuinely like chatting with people (especially about something I wrote lol) even if I get overwhelmed sometimes and can be slow ^^;

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

This is a tough one cause when I start a story, it’s usually with the goal of giving the characters a happy end but it’s probably Coffee and Cigarettes. It was for a pairings competition where the random pairing was Mana/TK Bakura and I gave them a weird little break in the middle of canon where they both know what’s about to happen and it just came out sad. NO WAIT I’M WRONG. Lol I just gave my story list another look and it’s definitely Crazy for You! That was an insane asylum AU that’s ABOUT everything going straight to shit.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Oh goodness, almost all of them! I love a happy ending. Like, the story doesn’t have to be all fluff, it can have an impossible looking problem or be about two people who just don’t go well together but I love a good, satisfying resolution. Most recent happy ending is No Betting, just a bit of adorable, domestic, peachshipping fluff. Favorite happy end is probably A Million Missed Chances, Mai/Valon. I feel like Mai is a challenging character to give a happy ending to. She’s just stubborn like that <3

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

So, I haven’t written a crossover yet by myself but @miss-moberg and I will often throw around ideas for ones where we will use YGO characters or parts of the world building or magic system to fix things we don’t like in other canons. Right now we have a RP that’s a BNHA/YGO crossover where… oh, spoilers for BNHA: instead of going crazy and faking his own death, Toya grabs both his brothers and just fucking leaves. They run away to Domino, get picked up by Ryou and Akeifa (TK Bakura) and it quickly becomes the found family story I didn’t know I needed. We do some wild things blending the two canons. Domino is this little pocket where shadow magic keeps the hero and villain nonsense out and the citizens are pretty ok with it. Yugi and Atem are the city’s guardians. Ryou and Akeifa are not allowed to use shadow magic though they have access to it. I think Ryou and Yugi had proper quirks that they sacrificed to the shadows at some point, each for something different thing that they wanted or needed. Oh! We have quirks being derived from shadow magic at some point in the distant past and the shadows are always happy to take a quirk back to fulfill a wish or desire. They’re tricky though and usually corrupting. Very classic fairytale where it’s a thing you don’t want to make a deal with. Seto is quirkless and basically runs the city behind the scenes. He can’t deny the existence of heroes and villains but still refuses to believe in magic. This always gives Atem a headache when they have to coordinate to protect the city. Which is often.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A couple criticisms but no outright hate I don’t think. Or if I have it was so long ago I don’t remember. I was on ff.net at the worst times too and somehow all the hate just passed me by.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I love smut so much but I rarely write it. For stories I just usually end up with one or two erotic sentences. RPs are the exceptions to that though and are where all the good stuff happens. >.>

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope. Haven’t had one stolen, haven’t had one taken down. I’ve stayed small enough to fly under the radar for both things luckily enough!

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I wish! Man that would be amazing <3

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! Ryou and the Thief is a cleaned up version of @miss-moberg and my very first RP. (And the only RP of ours to ever hit an actual ending.)

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Puzzle with Gemshipping very close behind though I ship many, many things.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Phoenix. It was one of my very first fanfics started almost 15 years ago and while I’d love to finish everything, that one’s just not going to happen. It’s been too long and I’ve grown way too much as a writer to go back to it now.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think it’s dialogue. And maybe the ability to be amusing. Not funny-funny but like, lightly humorous when setting scenes or winding up to something.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

RUN ON SENTENCES. Sometimes they get away from me a bit XD

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Haaaa, actually when I first started writing fanfic I would throw in Japanese phrases and honorifics and looking back, it’s pretty cringe. BUT I can appreciate it as it was originally intended: learning and practicing a new language. If it makes sense for the character or situation though it’s really cute, like in Allargando by Slaycinder where Atem uses Arabic endearments for Seto. (Have I gushed about that fic on my blog yet? It’s so good.) Ancient Egyptian is the exception to everything I just said. I absolutely LOVE when someone takes a stab at putting ancient Egyptian in their fic. I go a little feral for it and it was the hardest but the most fulfilling thing about writing Ryou and the Thief was doing all the research write actual AE dialogue for Akeifa early in the fic.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh. I’ve done a handful of things for other fandoms but Ygo is the one I keep coming back to and definitely the one I’ve written the vast majority for.

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh no this is hard! They’re all my babies and I love them! Probably my favorites have been listed in previous questions already. Ryou and the Thief because of the sheer amount of work that went into it and the fact that we ran the boys through a whole ass adventure, Coffee and Cigarettes because it’s such a fun, quirky little thing with a great atmosphere and Those Things He Keeps For Himself because I feel like I was able to really capture the idea in my head effectively and there’s some great imagery in it.

TAGGING: Oh my god this took me so long to finally sit down and complete that probably everyone I would tag has done it already! So not tagging anyone this time but please do it if it seems fun!

#tag game #writing #putting this in jenific because it has so many links in it #jenific #ygo

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love-a-little-less-archived · 5 years ago

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So I decided that for my day nine, I’d do a list of some of my favorite fics to give the fandom authors some recognition. Of course, all of our fanfic authors are amazing and I’m so grateful that they do what they do, but these are just a few of my favorites.

I tried to tag any authors that had a tumblr account, but it’s entirely possible I missed some, so if I did, sorry

This post isn’t super long but it’s pretty damn long so all below the cut

(also do note that my interest in bellarke is only a few months old so I have a lot more clexa fics than I do bellarke sorry)

Bellarke

Canon AU

Set The Dark On Fire by @talistheintrovert (complete)

Okay okay so this is a pretty dark fic, but god is it beautiful. After waking up from Cryo, Clarke and Spacekru try to figure out what to do about this new planet situation, but Clarke isn’t handling it very well and attempts a suicide. Like I said, pretty dark and serious, so if that isn’t your thing don’t read, but it’s amazing

Three Lives, Three Loves, One Face by @these-dreams-go-on (complete)

This fic has a ton of my favorite themes all mashed together and it’s amazing. Basically it’s similar to the Josephine!Clarke situation of s6, but Wanheda is an actual manifestation also inhabiting Clarke’s body so when Josie gets put into Clarke, Wanheda takes over and goes mass murder on Sanctum. Phenomenal fic, I’ve read it so many times and I adore it

Into The Anomaly by @fuckitup-in-style (WIP)

Time Travel AU!!! Starts after s6, but resets back to s1 canon divergence. The hundred all wake up on dropships and they all remember up until their deaths, and then it’s this thing where the mains all take charge and start herding up their crew. Just- if you like time travel fix-its, this is p e r f e c t please read it

And Now You’re Home by @asroarke (complete)

I just read this one recently and g o d is it amazing. After being left alone during Praimfaya, Clarke finds herself becoming desperate after being alone for so long. Until she finds out there’s been a grounder watching her the whole time. Grounder!Bellamy AU, with some accidental pregnancy that just makes it even cuter

Modern AU

I Found Peace in Your Violence by @eyessharpweaponshot (WIP)

I just found this fic a few days ago and holy shit is it a piece of art. I finally went through and read the entire 80k fic last night, it’s absolutely enthralling. Basically, there’s this gene called HTS and Clarke ends up having it, and so does Bellamy, and it’s just a beautiful story from both a romance and a plot standpoint. Such an interesting concept

our stars came in a packet of two by @millipop (WIP)

This isn’t a super long fic, it’s 20k right now and hasn’t been updated in a few months but what’s there is amazing. So the delinquent group is desperately trying to get Bellamy and Clarke together since they’re constantly denying their chemistry, but what the delinquents don’t know is that Clarke and Bell have actually already been together in secret and it’s such a fun fic, highly recommend

Don’t Wake Me, I’m Not Dreaming by grumpybell (complete) (I can’t find their tumblr sorry)

A very interesting AU where Clarke can see into other people’s dreams. She’s been meeting Bellamy in his dreams for years, him being the only person who could actually see her. Guess what happens when they meet in person? Probably not what you expect. Read the fic to find out, you’ll love it

reelin’ through the midnight streets by @detectivebellamyblake (WIP)

I haven’t finished this fic yet, but what I’ve read so far is wonderful. Basically Clarke, Bell and Octavia all grew up in a trailer park together, and eventually Clarke has had enough of her mom’s bullshit and decides to get out. Bellamy and Octavia go with her

Clexa

Canon AU

Broken Body, Broken Spirit by @vmplvr1977 (complete)

I love love love this fic!! It basically mashes together the worlds of The 100 and Deus-ex, and if you don’t know what the latter is don’t worry too much, the fic gives all the backstory you’ll need!! Basically Clarke gets severly injured and ends up with augmented limbs, and Lexa, thinking Clarke dead, has some pretty severe reactions to it all. Kind of an enemies-to-lovers, but it’s set after the s2 finale

Clarke Kom Azgeda by FMLClexa (WIP)

This fic combines so many of my favorite ideas it’s amazing. Coming back after a long hiatus, basically Clarke gets sent down to Earth alone and ends up in Azgeda territory. She’s tortured and trained into Nia’s top assassin for years, and eventually gets the order to infiltrate Polis and kill the commander. You can guess how that goes

A Riffle and the Sea by Follower_Of_Mania (complete)

I will say it’s been a while since I read this fic but it’s amazing. Another Clarke gets sent to Earth alone AU, but she gets adopted by Floukru and trained to be a seriously badass killer grounder, like even Lexa is pretty put off by her. Clarke and Lexa develop this really interesting relationship where half the time you can’t tell if they love or hate each other and it’s amazing

Ascendants by whiteleopard1124 (WIP)

So this isn’t entirely clexa, it’s also clarke x luna but it’s clexa enough. Basically Clarke and the hundred get injected with this solution before being sent to the ground, and it causes certain people to develop supernatural powers. But Clarke gets injected with a special serum that causes her to be extra-OP but like in a very very good way

doing the impossible (with you) by snowandwolves (WIP)

Another Time Travel AU where Clarke kills herself and, after having a discussion with the goddess of death herself, wakes up back in time. She (and her accomplices) work out how to rewrite their story and make everything go better than it did last time. One of the best time travel fics, in my opinion

Healer on the Ground by Owlmemaybe (WIP)

This has long been one of my favorite fics, I love AUs where Clarke turns grounder, and that’s exactly what this is. Basically Clarke has a healing talent, so she can heal herself and others on command, and during s1 gets separated from the 100 and ends up with Heda. Another fic that isn’t likely to get updated, but it’s 100k of goodness that you h a v e to read

Whispers In The Dark (Lead Us To The Light) by JadelynDeath (WIP)

This one also hasn’t been updated very recently, but it’s still 50k good words to enjoy. Wanheda!Clarke AU where Death is a real being and takes a liking to Clarke before she even touches the ground, and once on Earth Clarke is an absolute badass in leading the delinquents.

(my) Destruction Within Your Mouth by @entirelytookeen (WIP)

It took me so long to actually finish this fic once I started reading because oh my god the angst, it was actually too much for me. This is a beautifully written story, so many emotions, can’t recommend it enough. Basically, Clarke gets separated from the 100 and ends up temporarily mute while she’s taken in by Heda

She’s a maniac by ChocDog (complete)

Another big-time favorite, this has badass commanders Heda and Wanheda. The grounder culture is different in this fic, but in such a good way. They’re much more tribal than is portrayed in the show, preferring not much clothing, bloodthirstiness, but it’s amazing. Also Bellamy comes in and makes a fuss of things

Through the Looking Glass by RhinoMouse (WIP)

Role Reversal AU where Lexa comes down with the 100 and Clarke is a BAMF Commander of the grounders. It’s been a really long time since I’ve read this one but I remember loving every second of it. Faintly follows the s2 plot, but it’s different enough that not a second of it is boring

Can you See Me? by clexawarrior (complicated)

Okay so basically this story was discontinued, but the author left a summary of how it would’ve played out at the end, so it’s... complicated. But this is another one of my favorites!! Lexa was at the explosion on the bridge and got injured, Clarke brings her back to the dropship to care for her. A lot of sexual tension ensues

From The Ashes by ArchonsVoice (complete)

I love love love this fic!!! So basically the dropship landed in the sea rather than on land, the ship explodes, leaving Clarke stranded alone in the middle of the ocean. She’s rescued by a clan called Tseekru and after years of living with them, has a run-in with our one and only Heda and sets this whole thing going. Amazing fic, so many twists

Returning to Hell by ElseworldKara, littleraider99 (complete)

If you haven’t read this fic what have you even been doing honestly. Set two years after the s2 finale, Clarke leads the coalition beside Heda, and she’s returned to Arkadia to finally tell them to get their shit together or suffer the consequences. Very dark, a lot of character bashing on Abby, Bellamy, and others. An inspiration for many of my own fics

Then There Were Two by TheWorldNeedsMoreOctaven (WIP)

I haven’t read the most recent chapters of this, but it’s phenomenal. ABO universe where Clarke is the only omega sent down in the hundred (later followed by Raven), and they have to deal with the grounders and nature. It’s a lot more interesting than I make it sound, promise. Also very octavia/raven based too

Doctor on the Ground by @underneaththecovers-au (WIP)

Very angsty, very smutty fic. Clarke finds an injured Lexa while out of camp and takes her to the bunker to help her heal. Lexa pretends she can’t understand English, but even with the barrier, things get heated very quickly. You can imagine the chaos when Lexa’s secret gets out. Must-read

Modern AU

Vantage Point by thatoneloser_kid (complete)

This is pretty short, only 16k words, but god is it good. If you like dark!clarke, this is the story for you. Clarke, Lexa, Octavia, and Raven are all a bunch of criminals who run around- saving people?? That makes it sound like a superhero story but no, they’re all badass. Clarke is literally a psychopathic ex-assassin. It’s just an amazing fic

Are You A Kidnapper? (Because You Abducted My Heart) by 707 (complete)

This isn’t normally the type of fic that I like to read but I’m so glad I picked it up. So Clarke and Lexa have this hatred going on between them that’s actually just hidden attraction, and they’re finally forced to address it when they get kidnapped and locked in a room together. This fic has it all, fluff, smut, angst, an amazing plot, it’s just all around wonderful

Make Two Halves Whole by awkwardrainbow, Lexawoodz (WIP)

This one I also don’t remember all that much about other than that it was amazing. It’s been years since it was updated, though, so I doubt we’ll get any more, but what’s there is 80k worth of goodness. Clarke and Lexa meet online through Twitter, living on opposite sides of the US, but still manage to fall in love with each other

breathe into my lips the life i do not have by @ur-the-puppy (complete)

So this is another long-time favorite of mine!! It’s a 36k oneshot where Clarke moves into a house that ghost Lexa haunts but instead of being creeped out Clarke just starts chatting up the ghost and they become roommate buddies. Such a good fic, I highly highly recommend this one

You See the Smile That's On My Mouth (it's hiding the words that don't come out) by heartshapedcandy (complete)

Another fic I need to go back and reread, but I remember being absolutely absorbed in this fic!! Childhood friends to lovers AU, with a fuck ton of angst and confusion and oblivious pining dorks that you can’t help but love it to death. Also a lot of ‘’’’platonic’’’’ kissing

Other AU

Storm of the Heart by @cruellanita-bby (WIP)

Mermaid AU!! Clarke lives on an island where they grow up hating the mermaids that attack their fishing ships, and she hates them too until she finds Lexa the mermaid washed up on the shore, injured, and starts taking care of her. They fall in love and try to mend the relationship between their people. I’ve been keeping up with this one for a while, it’s so good, please read it

Hold Me Till The Stars Dim by @ur-the-puppy (complete)

I’m putting this one down here rather than in modern AU just because of how different it is from most modern AUs. Lexa goes camping with her friends out in the woods, some shit happens, and she meets what’s basically grounder Clarke, with a twist. This fic is so captivating, I loved it

You’re safe with me by I_am_clexa (WIP)

ABO modern AU where omegas are sold as slaves to alphas. Clarke is an omega who is bought by Lexa’s father as a gift to her, but Lexa doesn’t like the way omegas are treated and goes out of her way to give Clarke the best life she could possibly have

Other Pairings

Canon AU

Three Loves (Pieces Of Us) by @kendrene , @bae-in-maine (WIP)

Clarke/Lexa/Anya fic where Anya takes Clarke back to Lexa as a kind of prize, Clarke ends up making an alliance with the Trikru and maybe also falling in love with the commander and her general along the way. I’ve read this fic so many times, but it hasn’t been updated in years. It’s still 150k worth of amazing fic though

Twisted Steel by Steelehart (complete)

A clarke/raven fic where an explosion on the Ark leaves Clarke with two prosthetic arms. Follows fairly closely to the s1 plot once you get into it, but deviates in the later chapters. It’s an amazing fic I promise, please read it

Modern AU

and four makes home by @dreamsheartstory (complete)

This is over 300k worth of Clarke/Lexa/Octavia/Raven, which seems like a lot but I promise you it’s perfect. It’s been a bit since I read this, but from what I remember it’s your typical fall-in-love modern fic, just with the added angst of figuring out a four-way poly relationship

#fic rec #the 100 #takebackthe100 #bellarke fic rec #clexa fic rec #the 100 fic rec #t100 #t100 fic rec #favorite fics #favorite fanfics #the 100 fanfiction #clexa fanfiction #bellarke fanfiction #fandom #fandom appreciation #fanfiction appreciation #love.hundred

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bettsfic · 4 years ago

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march pinned: ending the sex project

in the march edition of my lowkey writing-related newsletter, in addition to my writing-related post roundup and upcoming consultation availability, i have personal essay recommendations and a segment on the definition of a project!

for more information on my creative coaching services, check out my carrd.

if you want to receive my lowkey writing-related newsletter directly, you can subscribe here.

full newsletter below the cut, or you can read it here.

fuck february, amiright?

i thought january was bad. but february. february was the stuff of nightmares. my cousin passed away from covid (you can read about her here; she was really an amazing person and i feel so lucky to have known her). i was finally formally diagnosed with PCOS (bittersweet, i guess). my car broke down. i took two (2) days off and it took me two and a half weeks to get caught up again. i can only hope march treats us all a little more gently.

the good news is, i finished revisions on my short story collection to send to my agent, finished workshop submissions for the semester, and now i can return to my first love, fanfiction. that i am constantly working through original fiction to return to fanfiction has been making me think a lot about the nature of a creative, capital-p Project. so, this month’s BTALA (been thinkin a lot about) is going to inspect the concept of a “project.”

new resource

last month i unveiled a folder of my favorite short stories which i’m pleased to hear several of you have perused and gotten some inspiration from. this month i’ve compiled my favorite personal essays. there are fewer essays than there are short stories because i’ve broken them into two groups: personal and craft. next month i hope to have the craft essays compiled.

i’m always looking for more things to love, so if you have recommendations for your favorite short stories and essays, i’d be happy to hear them!

writing-related posts

how to physically maneuver the revision process

the difference between M and E ratings of fic

resources for worldbuilding (check out the reblogs for more!)

a couple syntax/prose book recs

how to break a long work into chapters

march availability

unfortunately i have to cut my coaching hours down a bit, so i don’t have any openings left in march, but i have some availability in april. if you’re interested in a writing consultation, please fill out this google form!

you can learn more about my services on my carrd.

what i’m into rn

for the past year, i’ve basically been trapped in a 10x10 room, and my health is definitely reflecting that, both mentally (does anyone else feel like they’re living in groundhog day? just, every day being exactly the same except fractionally worse than the day before??) and physically (i reorganized the kitchen and could barely move for two days).

reader, i have discovered something called “walking,” in which i put on real human shoes and go outside. it feels strange, bestial. neighbors wave hello to me. a harrowing experience.

while doing this, this walking, i’ve been listening to the lolita podcast which a friend recommended to me, a ten-episode series that dives into everything lolita: the novel itself, its context, adaptations, greater cultural responses, and — as a sticker on my laptop says — vladimir “russian dreamboat” nabokov. as far as i can tell it seems well-researched and presents the many perspectives of lolita in a fair way. i’m only a few eps in, but i’m entranced so far. highly recommended if you, like me, have a complicated relationship with lolita.

i’ve also found myself mildly addicted to a mobile otome game called obey me, which. look i know it’s like the definition of cringe but it’s also mind-numbingly fun and if i want to spend my minimal free time pretending 7 demon brothers are all vying for my affection then that’s between me and god. it’s a lot of what i loved about WoW: frequent events, bright colors, a daily to do list of simple but satisfying tasks, many many rewards, and it doesn’t take itself very seriously. and if i have 4k fic written of mammon/reader that’s nobody’s business but mine and my longsuffering ao3 subscribers.

i’m telling you this because i don’t know anyone else who plays it and am desperate to trade headcanons. so if you play, or start playing, hit me up!! i will give u mad tips and daily AP.

been thinkin a lot about

the project. the project. even the word “project.” PROject (noun). proJECT (verb). what is the project? “project” comes from the latin pro and jacare which means “to throw forward,” or projectum which means “something prominent.” a projector throws forward an image. to project onto something means to throw your perspective onto something else. to embark on a project is to make something prominent in your life. the concept of “the projects” comes from public housing projects, the government throwing forward affordable housing.

what is the project? in joseph harris’ essay “coming to terms” he says that “to define the project of a writer is…to push beyond his text, to hazard a view about not only what someone has said but also what he was trying to accomplish by saying it.” harris’ perspective is that of an english teacher encouraging his students to read critically, not just to summarize a text but to find its project, its greater purpose. and while i first read this essay in a seminar on composition pedagogy, it stuck with me as a writer. it made me reconsider the greater nature of the creative project.

how many of us, if asked to describe our writing project, would begin with a plot or character premise, the nuts and bolts of a specific story? maybe even the working title? but i wonder, is breaking out the plot really the project? is the discipline of sitting down and typing really the project? and when the story is finished, is the project over? what is the project?

in 2019, i wrote 86k words of a novel. i began revising that novel last fall, and i’m finding that i’ll probably keep maybe less than 10k of that initial draft. i’m not bothered by that. the novel i wrote before that started at 125k, then i rewrote the entire thing to 200k, then i whittled it back down to 160k, and next i’ll be tasked with paring it back down to 80k. i’m not bothered by that either. in the past five years or so i’ve written about 2 million words, and i’ve only published 20k of them. only 1% of what i’ve written, i’ve published. in the words of lauren cooper (catherine tate), i’m not bothered.

i used to see publication as the birth of the project, and writing it akin to a long gestation period. then i saw publication as the death of the project, and its life was lived in its drafting. now, publication seems irrelevant to the project. the confines of a story and its many revisions are also irrelevant to the project. the beginning of a story is not the start of the project and the end of the story is not the end of the project. the project is larger than the story, its revisions, its publication, and its eventual readership.

i think it took me so long to see this because for so many years i was still in my first project, the sex project, an exploration of trauma and sexual identity, which began in 2014 with destiel fanfiction, endured through many fandom shifts, my MFA, years adrift as an adjunct, all the way through 2020 with the completion of my short story collection. i used to wonder how anyone could write about anything other than sex. to me it was the only topic worth my attention. i was certain that i would spend my entire life being a sex writer and i’d never find fulfillment writing a young adult sci fi adventure or a highly literary novel about complicated family dynamics. i was baffled by people who were interested in other things, who could write entire novels without using the word “cock” even once.

then my sex project ended. i don’t know when exactly it happened or why, but suddenly i realized i never wanted to write another artful description of an orgasm or find a tactful euphemism for a vagina ever again (personally i prefer “wet cunt” because not only is it blunt, i find it phonetically pleasing). obviously i’m still writing explicit fanfic but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. sex feels more sidelined to me, even if it’s still the center and drive of a fic. i no longer get any personal satisfaction from writing it, although i do get satisfaction in sharing the work for readers to enjoy.

it’s like i’ve somehow solved the biggest puzzle of my life. or i guess made peace with my meanest monster, that extremely complicated double-mind of desire that some non-sex-repulsed asexuals feel: you want to feel desire you can’t actually feel so you write it into fiction, to try to understand this thing you can’t have and which society tells you you’re missing, and you don’t even know if you don’t have it, because you still feel desire for affection and intimacy, and maybe even a desire to be desired. and for those of us who are asexual and have c-ptsd, sex you don’t actually want (but don’t know you don’t want, because maybe you’re ambivalent and mildly curious and touch-starved) and an unrelenting drive toward people-pleasing can be a dangerous combination. how can you ever know what consent is if you always put other people’s desires above your own?

maybe i’m alone in this. maybe i’m not. maybe for most people, wanting sex is a light switch: yes i want it, or no i don’t. but for me, i had to write a whole lot of words to figure out things like desire, consent, intimacy, forgiveness, the shape that good love takes. the lengthy theoretical flowchart of “i might be interested in having sex if this and this and this and this and this happens in this exact order and under these exact circumstances.”

it was hard to write something into reality that i have never seen except in pieces, in subtext i clung to with no lexicon to give it shape and meaning. te lawrence in lawrence of arabia. some of tarantino’s early work. the film benny and joon. and weirdly, the star wars prequels (that one’s hard to explain; i’ll spare you). i don’t think the sex project was about coming to terms with my asexuality as much as it was trying to organize my thoughts and feelings by continuously rendering my own experiences within a greater, shinier ideal — like how you sometimes have to unravel the entire skein of yarn to find the loose end, and only then can you get started.

i guess i’m in the infancy of the power project now. i’m moving toward themes of control, infamy, greatness. the exact circumstances in which atrocity occurs. how people rise into leadership and fall from grace. the consequences of success. i don’t know why this project has come to me, or what, if anything, it has to do with me. i’m not famous and have no intention of becoming famous; i don’t have social power or influence, at least not beyond my little corner of fandom, and i’m not interested in having it. and yet, here we are, already hundreds of thousands of words in.

my fics digging for orchids (tgcf) and a standing engagement (the hunger games) deal with the detriments of fame. and even float (breaking bad) to a degree is about the aftermath of being so close to power. my novel cherry pop, loosely based on macbeth, is about an ongoing power exchange between two teenage girls. my other novel, vandal, is about a girl who believes she has magic powers and casts a spell on her neighbor to fall in love with her. and i’m in the very early stages of a novel called groundswell, a cult story i’ve been wanting to write for years. i had no idea why i couldn’t write it until i realized it wasn’t yet my project. i’m not even to the stage of developing characters, let alone a premise or plot. i’m still just building my aesthetic pile (i discuss the aesthetic pile here, as well as vandal in more detail), watching documentaries on cults, reading books, finding inspiration, marking down ideas as they come. it may be years before i’m ready to sit down and write it.

now that i know what the project is, i have more patience with myself. it doesn’t bother me to rewrite a novel from the beginning, or to scrap novels altogether, because the story isn’t the project. the project cannot be diminished by cutting words, sentences, paragraphs, entire chapters. the project does not have a product. the project cannot be published. the project is in the practice, in dragging the impossibly large into clear, acute existence, so you can see it. so you can see the very center of what you thought was an unknowable thing.

#pinned #lkwrnl

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dkgwrites · 4 years ago

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Great to See You Writing Again!

I recently posted a fic which received nothing but love (thank you kind and gentle readers), but it also received a lot of comments from folks who were “glad to see me writing again” or "happy that I was back”. It made me go back through my fics to se how long it had been and what I had posted.

In May, I posted fic with twelve very short chapters (because I made it for Insta, originally) which was around 18k. Then I signed up for a zine (which I ended up helping to mod) and a Big Bang. Those both had reveals in October.

Zine fic: around 5k

Big Bang fic: around 82k

That’s 87k to be written in June - September (posted in October). For December, I did a prompt challenge of 12 fics in 12 days.

Holiday challenge: around 41k

Then I wrote a short fic in January which got me so many statements (and again, everyone was so kind, so this is not meant to disparage anyone) that left me confused.

January fic: 9k

So between the months of June to January (it was a little under seven and a half months),I posted around 137k of fanfic. That’s close to two full-length novels. I also worked full-time and helped to get a zine out.

Now, I’ll ignore job details, life, and the pandemic, but I’d like to address how long it actually takes to write a fic. If you’re a writer, you’ve posted a new chapter and on the same day gotten a comment of “update soon”. (If you’re a reader, please don’t do this. I’m on bended knee. Forever remove that phrase from your vocabulary.) I don’t think readers have a sense of how long it takes to create that piece of storytelling.

I write fairly quickly. When I’m on a roll, I can write around 1k an hour. That means the words are flowing, and I’m well-versed in a subject. If I need to do research, you can tack on another 1-3 hours per thousand words. Let’s look at an 82k pieces (which for me was an art heist au, so I had to do a ton of research on art, thefts, museum security, etc.). Outlining also takes time. This all happens before you start to write the story. I’ll say that fic was about 160 hours of work to pick a realistic and round number. If it was my FT job, that would have been four (4) weeks to get to a first draft. It still needed to be revised and edited. That probably took another eighty (80) hours. So 240 hours of work, and let’s assume I worked on it twenty (20) hours a week. That’s twelve (12) weeks or three months... if I’m on a roll and because I write quickly.

As a reader, maybe you devour an 82k fic in a day, but that was three months of work in my life if things are going well. Sometimes, a day of writing is watching a blinking cursor and then going back and reading earlier parts that you wrote to try and find the last drops of inspiration like the conditioner in a bottle left upside in the shower. Readers, this is not meant anyone to be put off on commenting. If folks didn’t want to hear from you, they wouldn’t post their work. However, I think we need some transparency in the process. In traditional publishing, authors put out 1-2 books (a novel length being around 80k) every 3-5 years. These people are getting paid to do so, and it may well be their FT job.

Fic writers love their fandom. We are willing to tap our fingers sore to add to the creations. Love them in return with a comment like “I loved this” or “this line was my favorite <quite a line>”. If you feel so included, write them whole paragraphs (which they will read again and again like a secret love letter). Please, communicate with your favs, but now that you know the time that goes into it, consider your words. We’ve spent a lot of time considering ours.

#writing #my writing #fanfic #fanfiction #comments #readers #how long does it take to write a story #we really love our readers #this is how to love us back the way we want to be loved

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paradiselostbythedashboardlight · 4 years ago

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Quarantine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wrote 430,943 Words of Prose in a Year

As we are coming up terrifyingly fast on a full year of quarantine with no end to the pandemic yet in sight for most people, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the last year of my existence in a state that most people now refer to as quarantine. Since March of 2020, I, like most other sane people in my country, have stopped traveling, going to stores, seeing all but a limited group of other humans, and begun having recurring nightmares about being in crowds without a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth.

Suffice to say, it has been a bit stressful.

The other thing that I have done since COVID-19 began rapidly spreading across the globe last year is write over 430,943 words of fiction.

The number seems insane to me still. That is (approximately) one Gone With The Wind, one entire Lord of the Rings series, or the first four Harry Potter books. That is still sadly not yet War and Peace (but who knows… the pandemic isn’t over yet).

So now that I am looking back, I find myself with one question: how did this happen? Why did I do this? What does this mean about my life this year?

Since apparently I answer best by writing a lot, let’s begin at the beginning. Let me tell you a story. I’ll keep it short, I swear.

Part 1: Blast From the Past

In March of 2020, I was still in the midst of an academic semester. There was a long academic document to write and a class to teach. However, as quarantine abruptly robbed me of most of my usual commitments, I was suddenly thrust into the position of having more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. Consequently, I decided to break out the Nintendo Switch I’d gotten for Christmas and revive a childhood interest in video games.

And boy did I. I played the games I owned for all they were worth. I played them during the evenings when I had no social engagements to attend. I played them during the Zoom meetings I was already struggling to pay attention to. By the end of March, I had finished one game, and it had set the wheels turning in my brain.

Here’s a fact about me: I don’t usually tend to write or read a lot of fanfiction about things that I consider really really good. Basically, fanfiction for me has always been an impulse born from incompletion or imperfection. I see no need to add to a perfect story (although I happily consume and create fanart). But for something enjoyable and yet slightly unsatisfying? That’s fanfic territory, bud.

So by April, I had developed a sort of epic fanfiction for this video game I was playing. It was one of those magnum opus kind of ideas, a grand retelling of the story with a huge sprawling plot and Themes (™).

At first, it was merely a thought experiment that lived only in my head, a sort of entertainment to ponder in the hours before falling asleep. What changed? Well, a friend of mine decided to also write a fanfiction on the same video game and she kindly consented to let me read it.

Suddenly, I was ravenously hungry to read and to write and to share and to consume. I wrote a hundred thousand words of this fanfic in April and into early May, sending each chapter to my friend and being spurred onward by her kind comments.

The fic became a gargantuan endeavor full of strange little challenges I set for myself. It was a canon-divergence, requiring plotting, worldbuilding, a darker and grimer tone. For some reason, I decided to write each chapter from a different character’s perspective, making the final product into a series of essentially short story character studies which together formed a plot.

By the end of May, the story was published for the world to see. It was well-received, although not particularly popular by fandom standards. And that was the end. I had gotten out my pandemic crazies, the semester was over and now I could move on. I had made my peace with the source material, plumbing all of the little details that I wanted to examine and creating a narrative that I found satisfying.

It was over.

Part 2: Summer Lovin?

Except that it wasn’t.

Confession: as I had been posting my giant fanfiction, I had also begun to explore the fan community itself, mostly curious to see some nice art and gather a bit of demographic info about what was popular within the community. As a result, I found a fanfic recommendations page. Among the recommendations was one author who kept popping up and i finally decided to give the fic a read.

Woah. It was good. Like, really good. Like, professional quality writing and themes that seemed designed to appeal to me. I devoured everything that the creator had posted in a week and then subscribed to eagerly wait for more.

As June rolled around, I realized that I had a problem on my hands. My great big gen masterpiece was finished, but this author had gotten me hooked on something else, something with a nefarious reputation online: shipping.

The term du jour for this seems to be “brain worms” so let’s just say that reading other fanworks had given me some brain worms. Inspired this time not just by the source material of the game, but now the fan community itself, my mind began to develop another idea.

I wrote the fic, about 11k, in a single afternoon of frantic writing. When I finished it, I knew it was one of my strongest pieces. It had just come together, a combination of all the thought that I’d been brewing up and a stylistic execution that just worked with the story I wanted to tell.

I posted it on a new account. Shipping seemed vaguely shameful to me still and my mom reads the other account.

To my surprise, the fic blew up. It got so much more attention than my long fic ever had. Even more significantly, a fan artist actually drew a gorgeous comic of the pivotal scene, completely out of the blue! I was essentially thunderstruck. Honestly, it was probably the first time in my life that I’d ever received so much positive reinforcement from a piece of writing.

While I’d written short stories for undergrad workshops, they’d never been particularly good and I’d never gotten particularly great feedback on them. I’d applied and been rejected by more MFAs and literary magazines than I could count. I’d pretty much resigned myself to writing for an audience of me and me alone (which I don’t mean to sound tragic about, writing for you is great and fun!)

But receiving so much support and praise and feeling like I’d made other people happy or sad or moved? There’s nothing better.

This makes my decision to write another fic for the ship sound vaguely cynical, the action of a person driven by an addiction to praise. I mean, no lie, aren’t we all a little addicted to approval?

But my next fic was another long one, an 80k passion project modern AU that I dreamed up while spending a slow summer alone with my books and only able to leave the house for long rambling walks in the woods. The premise was essentially about characters attending a five year college reunion, something that I myself had missed due to COVID in May of the same year. The fic quickly became a way for me to process thoughts on a lot of topics in my life ranging from relationships to politics to mental health to classical literature.

This fic was also received with far more attention than I was used to and, as a result, I finally joined the notorious Twitter dot com where I found people talking about my fic unprompted, eager to follow me and like my every random thought.

I can’t say that this process was not without its ups and downs. Fandom has changed, in many ways for the better, since my last engagement with it during the 2013 Supernatural days on Tumblr. While fan friendships are often idealized or demonized, they are pretty much like any other human friendship (okay, maybe a little bit more horny on main). There is potential for amazing connection as well as pettiness. But in a year where many people suddenly had no social spaces that were safe anymore, I’m glad that I found a new line of communication with the world.

So I kept writing fics for the ship, producing a lot of work that I am genuinely proud of and making connections with other people who enjoyed it enough to leave a comment.

To conclude this section, I was in fandom again. While I had not seriously engaged with a fan community since around 2014, I was back with a vengeance. And I had discovered an important truth about what unlocked my ability to write more than I ever had before: community support.

Not simply the kudos and the views. It was the comments. The discourse. The discussion. To add and contribute my thoughts and ideas to a greater network of thoughts and ideas that fed off of one another.

Often I had seen people complain about there not being enough fanworks for particular media or characters. Now I knew the secret. The comments and the community created the works. If I commented on other people’s fics, the more likely they were to write more. I made a resolution I have tried to keep, to comment on any story that I legitimately enjoyed reading, even if I had no particularly intelligent thing to say about it.

Part 3: A Novel Idea

By late October, I had produced a considering oeuvre for my ship of choice and was enjoying slowing my pace as I planned a few future projects.

Remember, though, how I mentioned not having engaged with fandom for the past 5 years? Well, that didn’t mean I hadn’t been writing.

For the past 4 years, I have won NaNoWriMo and completed 4 novels of over 100k each in length. These projects have been massively fun and improved my confidence with executing stories at the scope that I desire.

And so in November 2020, I settled down to write another novel. November is always a sort of terrible time write a novel if you work in academia, but this year, I had more time than usual. I set out to write a comedy fantasy novel, something mostly lighthearted and full of hijinks in order to pretend away some of the quarantine blues (which by this point were well established in my psyche).

This year in particular, I was reminded that writing a novel is… harder than fanfic. That seems like a very obvious point, but I’d written novels before. Suddenly, though, I was realizing how much a novel requires you to set up the world and the characters, while fanfic can be pretty much all payoff all the time.

While the fanfic flowed in wild creative bursts of energy, the novel required diligence of another sort. I wrote 2,000 words every day for two months. It was a grind. Sometimes, it was a slog.

And sometimes it just wasn't good. The thing about writing your own novels is that the first draft is way more likely to be not good. You’re balancing a lot and it’s easy to let a few balls that you have in the air drop for a chapter or two, with no recourse but to go back and edit later.

I finished the novel by writing a final speedrun of 6k on new years eve, ending my 2020 with another project under my belt. No one has read it. Not even I have reread it.

I’m still glad that I wrote it. I’ll write another one next year. No one will read that one either.

Sometimes, we write for ourselves and no external validation is necessary.

Part 4: Where are they now?

January of 2021 is somehow now behind me, which is terrifying. I’m still writing. Mostly fanfic, although occasionally I go doodle around with some original ideas that are more conceptual sketches for the next novel.

As for the fanfic, I think I still have a few more good ideas left in me, but I will probably leave it behind before the year is out. That feels a little bittersweet, a sort of temporary burst of fun and friendship that I wonder if I’ll ever experience again.

Coming to the end of this reflection, I suppose I should make a summative statement about what it all means.

In the end, it might not mean a lot. There are some small takeaways.

It turns out that encouragement makes you write more! Who knew? Also, more free time makes you write more! Wow!!!!

The point that I think this reflection exercise has shown me, the point that I think matters more than any other, is that writing is a way to process my thoughts. Even if it is through the lens of ridiculous video game fanfic or novels about sad wizards, my writing is my way to make sense of my own mind.

And sharing that is special. If you share it with online strangers, with your family on Christmas Eve, with your close friend who has become even closer and dearer to you since she let you read her work, or just with your mom (the one personal legally required to read your damn novel if you want to share it). To share writing is to give someone a little peek at your beliefs about the world.

And right now? When we’re still isolated and bored and scared and in desperate need of distraction? Binge some TV, play Nintendo, read a book. Take in other people’s thoughts.

But put down your own somewhere as well. It’s a conversation.

And for once, it’s a conversation that doesn’t have to take place on fucking Zoom.

#writing #personal rambling #fanfiction

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unsettledink · 5 years ago

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Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any.

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections.

Your main fandom of the year?

Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me?

You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy.

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it.

Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else.

Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series.

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good:

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad:

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent:

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??).

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck.

Leitmotif of the year:

Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt.

Favorite character to write about:

Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out.

Favorite kind of fic to write:

This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness.

And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I?

Biggest disappointment:

Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k.

Biggest surprise:

Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form!

I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more.

Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle.

My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire.

Most memorable comment:

So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’.

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

Aside from writing -

I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong.

I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all.

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people.

I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER).

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

#end of year #unsettled rambles

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