#working etc etc… girl it is midnight i have done so much this weekend. i deserve extra credit for this we all deserve extra credit

[moreaujeans]

[astral-athame]

((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

[mosshead-lover]

The Snowflake & The Kitten

Shoto x Reader

Summary: It’s your first Christmas with the Icyhot. You know he shows little or no enthusiasm in the holidays. How will it end up after you go against your instincts and decide spend the Eve with him.

A/n: Hey y’all! Hope you had a fabulous Christmas. I wanted to post this in time for Christmas, but my lazy ass was well..busy procrastinating. Any ho, I'm a Lil late, but hope you like the Present :D

It was late evening, and you were strolling through the streets, slower than usual, observing the decorations on the buildings and homes. Christmas sure brightened up your otherwise mundane city. You go back to wondering the same thing that's been in your mind for so long, whether you should get him something and if yes, what should you? It's been almost ten months since you and Shoto started going out. If you had to point out one thing that you not necessarily liked about him(not until recently), it would be how minimal Shoto's reactions or expressions were, almost all the time. It just made it really difficult to gauge his likeness or dislike-ness towards something. It was hardly a problem or something that bothered you until you had to pick a gift for him.

*Buzz Buzz*

You have a new text message.

Jirou: Yo! Coming?

Y/n: Will be there in 5 min.

Jirou always played her gigs to you before she actually performed. This had become a ritual more of. You started walking faster, paying lesser attention to the decorations along the way.

Jirou rocked it, as usual.

"Are you sure you don't want to join?"

You Jirou and few other girls in the class who couldn't go home for the holidays had planned a night out. Jirou still couldn't digest that you were missing it. Her reaction was only normal considering the enthusiasm your boyfriend had towards holidays.

'I want to spend the holidays productively,'

is what he had told the last time holidays came up in one of your conversations.

"Yes." You replied with a hint of uncertainty.

"At least buy a tree and some decorations on the way. Pretty sure he wouldn't have put one up." Jirou sighed.

"You don't know that!" You defended, regretting it a second later.

Jirou shrugged.

Your head was filled with ambiguity. You knew Jirou wasn't the kind who joked around or even talked much. You knew there was weight to whatever she said. You draw the cell phone and type a quick message.

y/n: Hey, I am on the way and stopped by to get a tree. What size do you prefer?

*Buzz Buzz*

Doki: What tree?

You despised Jirou for a second for being so accurate. Was not bothering Shoto with the pressure of celebrating the best gift you could give? You wondered if it was too late to join the other girls.

Doki: Oh, I see. Whatever works for you.

You picked a tree small enough for you to carry and some decorations along with candy canes. You had forgotten about the Christmas present for him until you came across the headband section with cute cat ears. You bought a white one and read one. At the billing counter, you struggled, You still had time to put it all back. Maybe just have dinner and watch a movie like any other weekend and not bother your not-so-festive boyfriend. But, you made up your mind. There was no turning back now.

--

"Hi, y/n."

Shoto helped you with the shopping bags and the tree. You reluctantly unzipped your bag and took a white sweater out. It matched the one you were wearing. The couple-Christmas-sweaters that you drunk ordered three months ago. Before you could say anything, He checks the time and,

"Hey, the webinar that I was supposed to attend this afternoon? They postponed it to seven. It will take an hour, Hardly, okay? I'm sorry, but I hope you understand."

He rushed through his sentences.

"Oh! This is for me? Thank you"

He grabbed the sweater from your hands, pecked your cheek, and hurried to his room.

You crashed into the couch. He didn't even notice that you were wearing the same sweater. You sulked and buried your face in the couch pillow and let out an inaudible scream. You took a deep breath and reminded yourself why you wanted to do this in the first place. It was your first Christmas together. You had to make it memorable for both of you. Moreover, Shoto never got together with his family to celebrate anything. You couldn't blame him for not getting excited about the festival.

You decided to look at the brighter side of it. You had an hour to make the house Christmas friendly. You went and bought some more lights and bells, set up a tree, put the lights around. You had to go to his room a few times to get the stapler, tape etc., He didn't mind. You had time to modify the cat ears as well. You removed one of the ears and carefully sewed the other color ear to match his hair color. You took one last look at the setup. It wasn't much, but it was a pleasant sight. It was almost ten. He wasn't done yet. You were too hungry to cook, you'd end up eating, and eating without him was the last thing you wanted to do. You decided to stay away from the kitchen. You fired up the TV and started surfing through the channels. Another hour passed. You gave up and went to the kitchen to fix yourself a cup of coffee. You were too sleepy and didn't want to doze off.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, you heard his door open. You set your coffee aside and sat up. He was wearing the sweater. He wore an apologetic face that transformed into a delight when he saw the tree.

"There is .. on your.."

Before you could process what he was implying, he bent down and cleared the foam mustache above your lips with a kiss.

"Coffee? at this hour?"

Shoto spoke up softly as he settled down next to you.

"I had to stay up, so..

”Did you eat?” He sounded tired too.

"No..I.."

He widened his eyes as a mother would, reacting to her kids skipping meals.

'Wait a minute, I am the one who should be mad!' You shouted on the inside.

"That was one heck of a long webinar." You comment, trying to suppress everything that you were feeling.

"I know." He acknowledges and takes you by your arm to make you sit on his lap. You put your legs on either side and sit on him, facing him.

"The fact that you were here, waiting, made it even more difficult for me." he continued as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

The sincerity in his voice was something you could never bypass and stay mad at him even if you wanted to.

"I am sorry."

"You are forgiven," you murmur and begin arranging his bangs. His face was ever charming against the constantly changing TV lights.

You both stayed there for a while, making out. You might have, longer if it wasn't for your grumbling stomach.

"You think that Soba place will still be open?"

You both go out and eat stomach full. Shoto offered to hold your hand on the way back. You were surprised as he never did that before. He always stayed away from PDA.

"It's too cold. I'm just keeping you warm." He justified.

"Besides, this way, there is a higher chance of people noticing that we are twinning."

You felt warmer as his heterochromatic eyes met yours. Your eyes dilated further at the sight of his tender smile. It was almost midnight when you reached home.

"Hey, It's almost Christmas." You squeak. You weren't worried about him being non-festive anymore. He reacts with an equally encouraging smile. As the clock struck twelve, you swing your arms around him and raise your toes, he helps by lifting you a bit, you kiss and wish him a merry Christmas.

"Merry Christmas to you too, y/n" He kisses you back and puts you down, gently.

"Hold on." He said and rushes into his room. He came back with two tiny boxes and placed them under the tree.

"Too Late?" You nod and join him to near the tree.

"Open!" his excitement was palpable. You carefully unwrapped the first box and saw a tiny glass slab covered in transparent resin shaped like a cuboid that was decorated to look like a charm.

On further inspection, you realized what was inside was a slide. You bought it closer to your eyes and tried to make out what was inside.

Shoto handed you a magnifying glass.

"Doki, Is this a ...?"

"Yes." He sounded proud.

"A real ...?"

"Yes."

You were awestruck.

"I didn't know Snowflakes can be preserved like this!"

You finally took your eyes off the charm and looked at him.

"Apparently, we can."He beamed a brighter smile, soaking in every inch of your reaction.

”And this way, an important part of me will always stay close to you."

He meant it. It was obvious from his tone and expression.

The present had exceeded all of your expectations. It was thoughtful, symbolized much more than Christmas. It was perfect. You were left speechless.

Shoto handed you the second box. Your vision blur from teary eyes. You managed to stop the tears and open it. It was a silver snowflake bracelet.

Shoto went on to explain it.

"Since the actual one is quite delicate and I couldn't morph it into a bracelet like I wanted to, I got this too, you know a ..."

You interrupted him the midway with a kiss, followed by another, and another.

He returns all your kisses with equal passion and holds you close.

He reaches out to grab his gift, you push away his hand, and take the present away from the tree. You felt so stupid. You were flustered with embarrassment suddenly.

"Hey, let me see it." He complains.

"No!" You exclaim and hide it behind your back.

"Why not?" He was confused.

"B..B...Because... It’s is not for you!"

"What?" He chuckles.

"Y/n... Are you sheltering someone else here without my knowledge?" He narrowed his eyes to look serious.

"Wh..what...No...I mean.."

Shoto pounced upon you and snatched the gift while you were in a state of confusion. You tried to snatch it back, but it was too late.

"Cat ears?" Shoto turned it back and forth, inspecting the band.

"Looks adorable. Should I put it on?" He asks innocently. You nod, still looking down.

"Like this?" You finally look up, and all your unworthy feeling lifts that just how adorable he looked. He smiles and brings his palms closer to his cheeks, trying to imitate a kitten. You almost had a nose bleed. Your reactions must have been so obvious, for he burst out laughing.

"Here, you try it on."

"No! don't you dare take 'em off!" You warn him.

"There is an extra pair." You beam ear to ear and get the other one. Of course, you had enough time to mend the other set.

After you pet each other, you take a bunch of photos together, you took his solo shots. Near the tree, in the kitchen, in front of the door, in the bedroom. You wanted to take a couple more, but you decided against it, reading the growing annoyance in his face.

Then you both sat by the tree, checking the cards he received. You were honestly a bit shocked to know he never went through them.

"Wow. Isn't this your sister?"

"Yes. and her Boyfriend." he eyes at the photo and gets back to his phone.

"They look so cute together!"

You were a little annoyed he wasn't paying attention to the cards. You snatch the phone to find him looking at the cat-ear pictures of you both.

"I think we look better." He states, unaffected by your barbaric snatching.

”We should use one of these pictures to send out cards”

You ruffle his hair and giggle, not because of the comments he just made. But because he could make such cheesy statements with a straight face.

Suddenly, you couldn't recall why you were worked up the whole day.

”Hey”

Shoto breaks the silence. You were on the couch, sitting between his limbs, as he wrapped his hands around you, warming you up and letting you rest on his chest.

”Um?”

”We should do this every Christmas”

”Do what?”

”You know, the tree, the matching sweaters, the cards...”

You chuckle.

”We will, Doki”

’Oh My baby Kitten, this is how Christmas is supposed to be!’

[purplesurveys]

1200

Have you ever felt a baby kick? Yeah, when my mom was pregnant with my brother.

What color pants/shorts are you wearing? I have red shorts on at the moment.

When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Last Friday, I’d say? Hahaha. Counted down the hours and minutes before the Butter MV drop, celebrating and freaking out with Army when it finally came out, watched the OT7 VLive that happened that afternoon, and streamed the video for nearly 24 hours straight so we could break some records, all of which we ended up achieving. It feels great to stan a group again after being out of the loop for so long lol.

What was the scariest moment of your life? A few men have lunged towards me - just to get attention, I guess? - in the past, while I was just peacefully walking. I always hear them snickering once I’ve flinched, and I always ended up crying once I’ve processed the situation.

Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen? I know of the name, but I have no clue who he is or what he does (did?).

Pancakes or flapjacks? I don’t even know what flapjacks are, so let’s go with pancakes.

What kind of computer are you on? I’m using a Macbook Air.

Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what's your favorite dish? Yes. Minced pork with eggplant.

What are you usually doing at midnight? On weekdays, I spend it in bed, either watching videos or already reading fanfics to get ready to turn in. On Friday nights and weekends, I will usually be found on the rooftop taking a survey or two.

Have you ever developed feelings for a friend, but you were already with someone? No, I’ve never developed feelings for another person while in a relationship.

If so, how did it turn out?

Give me your brief definition of love. I will always stick by this quote, “Love never says, ‘I have done enough.’”

What is the most beautiful part of the human body, male or female? This is subjective, of course, but personally I find it to be thighs.

What kind of shoes do you wear? I’m not wearing any at the moment; but in general, I like to wear sneakers.

What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Physical violence.

Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? Nope.

Do you like the smell of coconuts? Not so much. I like coconut milk, though.

What is the heaviest you think you can lift? I think my personal best was like 60 or 70 lbs, back when I had weight training classes for PE in college. I remember being in so much pain once I gave the 80 lbs barbell a shot.

Do you take Tums? No.

Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach? ...Ugh. I’m pretty sure I’ve taken this survey very recently but I might as well just take it again because I don’t feel like searching for another. Anyway, I haven’t... at least not that I can remember.

How about under one? Definitely not.

At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? I was around 12 when I was starting to feel confused about getting nervous around Andi.

Do you feel that way around anyone now? I don’t.

Do you ever talk to yourself or think deep thoughts while on the toilet? No haha but I usually bring my phone with me to keep me company.

Do you ever sing to yourself? Pretty often.

What is a sound that relaxes you? Ocean waves.

How hard has it been to reach your main goal in life? I don’t have a main goal set in life. I just live in the now and try to do things or make decisions that would keep me consistently happy.

Do you remember the song about hoes in different area codes? HAHAHAHAHA definitely took this recently; this is so embarassing. No, I still don’t know about this song.

What is your main heritage? Filipino.

What kind of pickles do you prefer, if you like pickles? I hate pickles and I find them absolutely nasty, but there are other pickled things I like, like radishes.

What kind of cheese do you prefer, if you like cheese? Mozzarella and feta.

If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want? No thanks. I’m not capable of providing them proper care.

How about a farm animal? I would just stick to dogs.

So, do you have hoes in different area codes?

What is the most annoying song you can think of that came out recently? I’ve been in a BTS bubble for a solid month or so and I honestly can’t tell you my opinion about songs that have recently come out, because I literally don’t know any.

What is a song that you hate to admit you like? There isn’t any I’m guilty about.

What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? Knowing I’ll feel accomplished once I do it.

Do you ever use Urban Dictionary? Never anymore. I used to browse through it only when I was a lot younger.

Do you find the definitions on there to be generally funny or stupid? Both.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word 'transformation'? The Transformers series, lol.

What was something you regularly played with as a child? I always liked clay and I never really graduated from that interest, since I find the texture fascinating and fun to play with.

Have you ever given in to peer pressure? Sure.

If so, what did you do? I had my first sip of alcohol at Kaira’s 18th birthday and I was feeling left out since literally everyone else was drinking. For vaping, Gabie introduced it to me; and for smoking, it was another case of FOMO that made me want to try it out.

What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? My back.

Do a lot of people check you out when you're in public? Idk? I don’t take note of that kind of attention, anyway; I would find it creepy.

How many people do you know for sure to be interested in you right now? Zero.

What is a good name for a turtle? I think it would be the same process as the way I think it would be for any other pet; it would depend on their personality, their aura, etc. 

Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)? Not really. I can read Hangul and am familiar with the different tonalities used in Korean but I wouldn’t say my imitation would be considered spot-on.

Do you like having your ear nibbled on? Yes.

What makes a good kisser a good kisser? When they know how to use their tongue in a teasing way, for one. Eugh it’s too early for this lol

How many times a year do you have a family thing? What even is a family thing?

What are the best things to put in a smoothie? I don’t like smoothies.

Do you ever eat with your eyes closed and just focus on the taste? Yup, especially when I’m either eating somewhere pricey or when I’m eating at one of my favorite restaurants.

What do you dislike most about where you live right now? It’s a pretty uneventful city, and if I want to have some fun I always have to go to Manila.

Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses? Yup.

Are you watching your weight? No.

Have you ever became really good friends with someone you found online? Yes. Aliyah and I are still friends and I’m glad we’ve been able to maintain our friendship even after mine and Gab’s falling out. It’s a shame the three of us didn’t get to meet in real life though, and it will 100% never happen now. I also used to have a group of Twitter friends back in my wrestling stan days but it’s been a very long time since we’ve gone our separate ways. I have yet to find friends on Army Twitter but I really doubt I would get to build established friendships any time soon because EVERYONE IS SO YOUNG OVER THERE

What makes your best friend your best friend? They understand me better than anyone else does.

Do you have a drunk uncle? I have a couple of them.

Do you hear weird noises in your house at night? Nope.

What is something you do that is generally more like something the opposite sex does? Ignoring this question.

What is the girliest thing you do, if you're a girl? Also ignoring this.

What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? I find line tattoos to be pretty cool and beautiful in general. The minimalist look it goes for works really well.

Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? That vase I molded during my Vigan trip :) It was the first (and so far) only thing I’ve made from scratch, and even though I didn’t get to take it home, I’m still glad I had the opportunity to try pottery.

Do you only eat the middle of the oreo, if you eat oreos? No? That’s pretty wasteful. I eat the whole cookie.

Do you know anyone with a huge ego? Hahahahaha. Yes.

If so, is there anything else about them you actually like? Not anymore, no.

Have you ever used a racial slur, even jokingly? Most likely as a stupid teenager when I didn’t know any better.

Do you have any friends who are more like siblings to you? Angela and Laurice.

If so, what about them do you like most? They’re very easy to talk to, and they’re both selfless and generous.

What is everyone else in your house doing right now? My mom is making dinner while I believe everyone else is just on their phones waiting for the dish to be made.

What is the most money you've ever had at one time? I don’t remember the exact amounts anymore but my mom used to hand me cheques and regularly assign me to pay for me and my sister’s tuition back in grade school and high school, since she had work during the day and didn’t have time to stop by the school herself.

How long do you think it would take you to run a mile? I don’t know but definitely longer than what would be considered a decent duration for a fit person.

Look down. What do you see? I can see my legs but just barely since it’s dark out.

What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Topics I don’t know too much about.

What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? BTS, my field, and history.

What kind of mood were you in most of today? Comfortable. We had the aircon on all day and I just watched BTS MVs and live performances, and I don’t really feel bad about being unproductive for once.

Has anyone ever walked in on you naked? Just once or twice.

Tell me an inside joke you have with someone. Togepi.

What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Tell me hurtful words.

What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Idk...maybe cut them off unexpectedly? I'll usually have no problem doing this with people who make me uncomfortable.

How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated? Nothing. She’s not in my life.

How about the last person (your last ex)? She’s the same person.

What is the best invention ever invented? The internet.

What is something that needs to be invented? Not a completely new invention but I wish programs that can identify songs for you, like Siri, can be more improved to be able to recognize songs just by humming the tone. So far they can only name songs if you play it clearly for a few seconds, but it can be a hassle if I wanna have access to a certain song but only remember the melody and otherwise have no idea what the lyrics are or who sang them.

Describe your eyes. I don’t think they’re anything special. I don’t count them as a striking feature of mine.

What always makes you burp? Eating quickly. And beer.

What is something you hate doing that most couples do? There isn’t anything.

What's your astrological sign? Taurus.

What are you doing tomorrow? I wanna finally watch the Friends reunion special since I didn’t feel like watching it today. I also have a press release to write for one of my clients – they requested for it Friday and want it by Monday :(

[nisaadventures]

I’m turning 30 in 10 days... yikes.

The last year of my life has sucked... lol. Okay, it wasn’t all bad. I’m exaggerating... but I’m also not. I know there were plenty of nice moments in the last year... but when I think about the last year of my life, its just full of so many firsts... awful firsts... 

First time celebrating their birthdays without them...

First holiday season without them... anyone else miss mom’s turkey? Most people don’t like traditional thanksgiving dinner because the turkey is more often dry... mom’s was never dry... Okay the key people.. Don’t actually cook your stuffing in the turkey. Its just going to suck all the juice life out of your bird... I mean come on. Trick #1 stuff the turkey with fresh cut oranges and yes, you can leave the skin on... #2 do majority of the oven time in an oven bag to keep the moisture in. #3 cook breasts down. Its the part thats usually most dry, so duh... keep it in the juicy, buttery goodness of the pan. I never made the entire meal, I usually just helped mom with everything. These are just some things I’ve taken away in my observations. 

Halloween trip to Disneyland without them... Disney is always a good time, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t feel heavy in some way... and that is saying something because Disneyland is my happy place lol. 

Looking forward to 2020... Hoping that it had so much better in store for us. 

Dear lord... what a joke. 

Going to Hawaii for our “family trip” without them...

A pandemic without them... I mean yes, I’m thankful they aren’t out there with COVID on the rise... I’m glad they’re not stuck at home because COVID. Mom and Michael are both too much of busy bees to be cooped up in the house for too long. 

Not going to lie... picking up where they left has been hard. All of moms plants... The dogs.. Taking care of the backyard, where Michael usually would. Mom would definitely do too much at once. She’d be out in the yard planting something and pulling out something else in her damn UGG boots! wth mom?! Those are expensive! lol. “Oh its fine.. I’ll wash them.” Omg lol. Either that, or she’d be over here trying to move heavy a$$ pots by herself and I’d have to stop her before she hurt her back. Ayiyi. 

Keanu and Aria’s birthdays without them... seeing my babies sad and missing their grandma, grandpa, and aunties has been hard. It will be out of nowhere sometimes... and all the nights of Aria waking up in the middle of the night crying. I feel you baby girl... I get it. I miss them too... Its okay to be sad... Mantras... 

You were her little rays of sunshine. Grandpa and grandma loved you SOOOO much. 

Mom would babysit the kids on Saturday mornings, while Kuya, Vaness, and I went to workout. They’d go get breakfast, pancakes and eggs, at UJs. She’d take them to Target, the dollar store, Walmart, etc. just so they could look and maybe get something to play with together. She always crafted with them. 

Living in this house... especially with COVID... has been hard. I miss just sitting at the dinner table, eating sho mi, and talking about work. Mom and Michael getting all worked up over some crazy manager, or something going down with the union.. yup, that’s where I get it from... advocacy and leadership skills FTW.  One thing they could always talk about for HOURS was work lol. 

I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would let me play in the bathtub until I was all wrinkled. She would let me bring all my toys into the tub. At one point I even had a care bear doll that she, for some reason, let me take in the bath lol. She’d throw it in the dryer for me after I was done. 

I remember going to the grocery store with mom and leaving with two full a$$ grocery carts because we had a full house at all times. I mean it was Kuya, my cousin Jojo, my brother Derric, my cousin John, Bubba, my cousin Jay, me and whoever else was over the house lol. When Kuya was in high school, it was all of his buddies partying at our house and crashing on the floor in the living room, dining room, and all the couches. She was the #1 host for sure.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?” 

Thats love. 

All of Kuya’s high school friends called her Mom. My friends called her Mama Fern. She loved that. 

I remember playing hide n go seek in the dark in our tiny town house.. Later in the bigger house on Glenbriar... where mom actually tripped and broke her arm... But she laughed so hard she peed her pants, so she was a good sport? lol. Needless to say, we sort of stopped playing after that.

I remember making dim sum with mom for the first time. Such a hot mess, flour and food everywhere, but so fun. We definitely didn’t do that again until there were more adults around to help lol. Mom knew how to run through a kitchen like a tornado. Hot mess! but the best cook. 

Mom was always careful. She always wanted to make sure we were safe, that I was safe. I couldn’t go outside unless one of the boys was with me. When I would swim she would get nervous, even though I learned how to swim at a young age thanks to Kuya. One day, we were having a bbq, lots of family over, I was playing in the jacuzzi (drawing on the wall of the jacuzzi with a piece of chlorine... don’t play with chemicals kids lol) and she thought I was drowning? So she jumps her a$$ in there fully clothed and yanks my a$$ out. I was shocked as hell, so I naturally started crying hella hard and complaining about the fact that she scratched me when she yanked me up out of the water lol.

Keep in mind that that was not the first time one of the twins jumped into the pool fully clothed to “save” someone hahaha. 

 Speaking of fully clothed in the pool... The time auntie tripped and fell slo-mo style (that questionable, are you going to catch your balance, speed) into the pool LOL. Mom was dead laughing at her. Most hilarious video. 

Those twins lol. 

Jeeze.. speaking of the twins. They had this crazy connection. Tell me why when mom got sick with suspected viral meningitis and had to be hospitalized... Auntie straight up followed her right into the ICU with viral meningitis... 

Who remembers their 50th birthday? Talk about doing it BIG. So much fun. All the performances. Lani was there... KMA performances and kuya and John getting down for Maglalatik. Who doesn’t like seeing some half naked, buff dudes, bang coconuts together? haha. The twins getting down with their hula performance. Cute!

I remember when Mom and pops were going through their divorce and she would text me after midnight. I was going to Sac State and of course I was team NO sleep at the time. I would be in the AIRC studying. I’d comfort as best as I could from a distance... and then come home on weekends to be there with her when I could. 

She found her footing again. Started going to the gym with Kuya more... Started running all the time... all of her half marathons and finally she did the Nike Women’s Marathon. 

Hiking Half Dome with her. What.a.badass. 

That is really how I see her. She was so badass. When she was my age she had my 9 year old Kuya and I was on the way... She was working and supporting us and then eventually decided to make a better life for us, and went back to school... NURSING SCHOOL. wth. I can’t even imagine doing that right now, but reminding myself of where she has been and how much she PUT IN WORK... That keeps me grounded in the fact that we are responsible for our lives. If you want something, you have to work for it. You can’t just hope for better... you make better happen. 

I guess its that reminder... her strength... her and Michael’s love and hard work... That keeps me going. 

Being mindful... being thankful... acknowledging my own strength... 

But with that said... August has been increasingly hard. I don’t like to think about my birthday. I don’t even want to plan anything. They’re not here... I can’t celebrate with all my loved ones and friends. Thank you COVID... 

We’re just getting closer and closer to the anniversary? Nah.. lets not call it that... anniversary sounds like something nice... something to celebrate... This is NOT that. The day your loved ones are taken is not something to celebrate... I mean honestly, if I had to pinpoint the worst day of my life, that was it.... When I think about that day I can’t breathe. Terrible memories... so many sleepless nights. I’ve come so far. Its still hard, but I’ve come a long way. 

Anyway... this post is sort of random and nostalgic. Things I hold onto. Things that make me happy cry... Things that weigh heavy on my heart. 

Here’s my playlist for grief... reminders of them... collected over the last year:

Aloha for now -Kaleo Vai & Passion 

One day at a time -Jennifer Chung

In the end - Gabe Bondoc, Melissa Polinar, Passion

Round and around -Kolohe Kai

Fade Away -Rebelution

Alive -The Green

New Day -Kimie’

Angels above me -Stick Figure

Memories -Maroon 5

Wish you pain -Andy Grammer

100 -Katchafire

Everyday life -Coldplay

Out of the darkness -Isla vista worship, Bre Reed

Amen -Andra Day

Grateful -13 Crowns feat. Poo Bear

Rainbow Connection -Gwen Stefani

Be okay -ZOE worship 

With you -Eryn Allen Kane

Dont worry -Mesto feat. Aloe Blacc

Just livin’ -Sensi trails, Kbong

Remember me -Miguel, Natalia Lafourcade

Even more -Major

Let it be -Xav A.

Give Thanks -Iya terra, Stick figure

Mr. Sun -Sammy Johnson

Rest easy -Thrive, Nico of Tribal Theory

Sunny Days- Allen Stone

Today’s a new day -Common Kings

Mother’s Love -Jonah Jaxon, Micah G

The bones -Maren Morris, Hozier

Give you blue -Allen Stone

And we remain -Johnnyswim

Yellow -Kina Grannis

Streetcar -Daniel Caesar

Meant to be -Bebe Rexha, Florida georgia line

All you need to know -Gryffin, slander, Calle Lehmann

Like I’m gonna lose you -Jasmine Thompson

[caithelps]

This is War by Emily Kinney RP Sentence Starters: Part 2 (feel free to change name(s), pronouns, etc as needed). Find part 1 here

Trigger Warnings: Alcohol/food mention, cigarette mention, weapons mention, cheating

Never Leave LA:

“Feels like I'm floating With the world down below”

“Instead of walking on the sidewalk”

“I'm going with the flow instead of meddling hard lines”

“There is heaven and earth”

“I've still got bruises but they don't seem to hurt”

”I don't wanna waste another day”

”Have you got room for my suitcase?”

“Oh, baby, call me over”

“Beg me to stay and I'll never leave LA”

“Maybe it's the sunshine or the tall palm trees”

“Maybe it's your light blue eyes that got me weak in the knees”

"I don't need strong legs for just swimming in the sky”

“If you're somewhere beside me I seem to just stay high”

“Beg me to stay”

“I'll never leave LA”

“Through the haze of the smog and the smoke is a pink sunset”

“Tattooed on my body is our winning bet”

“As the city sky darkens”

“I'm headed to your house”

“If there is such thing as true love”

“We got it all figured out”

“Leave LA”

Crash and Burn:

“I've got lots of questions but you've got me”

“We've got lots of reasons to never ever leave”

“Come and visit me where the trees grow tall”

“I want you to be kissing me when we both fall”

“We're gonna crash and burn”

“We're gonna live and learn this weekend”

“I was the girl of your dreams now I'm the girl I'm crying when you're sleeping”

“I've got lots of questions when I stay up real late”

“I don't believe in magic, ghosts, a god, an angel, or that you're my soul mate”

“A chicken scratch of time and tasks to map our fate”

“You never have the answers for this life that we face”

“The ground feels so hard when the fall was easy”

“Nothing you say will ever please me”

“Nothing you do will ever reach me”

Molly:

“I know about Molly cause she told my friend that she was hooking up with you on the weekend”

“Guess those stories that you told me turned out not to be true”

“You say you're done with Molly”

“Well, I am done with you”

“She likes to sing and get high”

“She likes to kiss my boyfriend when he comes walking by”

“Just confess it out loud”

“You're so guilt-stricken, crying on the corner”

“Do you feel better now?”

“You were working with Molly when you said she's just a buddy”

“Never thought you were the type to fuck an understudy”

“Molly's so naive, she don't know wrong from right”

“When your girlfriend's out of town she's at your place all night”

“NYU, LaGuardia, to so Broadway bound”

“She keeps taking shitty gigs that I turned down”

“I hope you love her face”

“I hope you dig her voice”

“Well, I have made another choice”

“Molly, you can have him, you're much cooler than me”

“I never liked staying out smoking weed till 3″

“Take my boots in his closet like you took my man”

“It's clear you don't mind wearing things secondhand”

“I'm not looking for a winner, or a loser, or a forfeit”

“My heart's in little pieces so I hope that it was worth it”

“Hope you're happy together cause I'm doing alright”

“You both should stay away from the Lower East Side”

“I hope you feel better now”

Last Chance: 

“You've got bad dreams from the broken wedding rings That you keep under your pillow while you sleep”

“There's open spaces, blank faces when you search for answers on the street”

“There's no one left to call”

“Nothin' much to say”

“Pretty sure the world is gonna end today”

“Drink up one last whiskey, head to the dance”

“This is our last chance”

“So gimme whatcha got tonight”

“Packin' cigarettes”

“I'm your light”

“Gimme whatcha can”

“I'm the last pretty girl”

“You're the last decent man”

“I've got broken heart pieces swimming in my bed”

“Broken conversations floatin' in my head”

“A let down little mermaid trying to find air at the top”

“Pretty sure this spinning world's about to stop”

“So I cover up in glitter, head to the dance”

“When the world is on fire”

“Your heart is on ice”

“It's hard to know what's wrong and what's right”

“If you wanna feel your blood burn, get to the floor”

“Scream to God, ‘I want it more!’”

“More hurricanes, snow storm, rain in my face”

“More midnights drunk and dizzy dancin' at your place”

“A life of fame and fortune and the star of some show”

“Now it's almost over, almost time to go”

Weapons:

“I'm only human, I need a god”

“To show me what we want when we fought”

“From morning to dusk”

“Our tears causing rust on all of our weapons”

“He's just a man but deep in his eyes I see all this love without the lies”

“From now till forever”

“We'd be so much better without the weapons”

“Empty my gun, dull my knife”

“Build a house, make a life”

“We lie in bed and let the record play”

“I hope that he and I will always be this way”

"I'm only human but I've found a match”

“He doesn't hurt, he doesn't scratch”

“I'm just some girl but I've found a soul”

“He doesn't push, he doesn't pull”

“He's just a man but he's like a savior”

“That I don't deserve after my bad behavior”

“He says he's wasted with no money left”

“All that I see is perfect”

“I hope that he and I will always be this way”

“I am done with the jealousy, done with the fighting, done with words that feel just like biting”

“I have found a new man with a heart he wants to share”

“It just goes to show life isn't always unfair”

“I have pumped new blood into this heart for him to take”

“We're gonna move to California to a house on a lake”

“Some day we will kiss in front of family and friends”

“Only cake and champagne and no need for weapons”

“All these clear-headed thoughts were once home to doubt”

“Think I finally know what life is about”

“And it seems smooth sailing where the waters were rough”

“How the world looks different when you find yourself in love”

[twohearts-hs]

‘Goddess’ - Harry Styles Imagine

Words: 3.5k

Pairing: Harry Styles & (Y/N) (Y/L/N)

Warnings: Swearing, toxic marriage, indicated abuse.

|| Masterlist in bio ||

-

Unhappiness. That is what she would describe her feeling at the moment. It was just unhappiness and no motivation. Y/N’s life is routine. She has come to the conclusion that her life is being a housewife and making sure her husband goes happy. Might that be making sure his whiskey is already poured and on the counter when he got home or to go through the irritating sex that night in which to please him. She is not who she use to be and it hurts her.

“Where are you going?” Y/N asked, coming from the kitchen to see her husband. Chris looked at her with a gentle smile.

“Boys night, at the pub.” That wasn’t fair, it was his turn to put the kids down so she can meet up with a few of her girlfriends, but nevertheless, this was normal.

“It was my turn.” She tried to fight back, argue that she needs this one night this month to feel like a normal twenty-eight year old. Chris groaned.

“Y/N, babe, I just need this one night, ok?” She looked at him, trying in her best interest to ignore the anger inside her.

“Who will be there?”

“Harry, Louis, Jeff, Niall, some boys from the firm. Manchester is playing.” Y/N rolled her eyes.

“You promised Charlotte to tuck her in.” Chris grabbed the bridge of his nose and groaned, “And Poppy asked you to read her a story, Chris. Please do this not for me but for them.”

“YN…” She placed the pot down from cleaning it and huffed.

“Move boys night here. I can go upstairs, I won’t trouble you. You have enough liquor to suffice and the telly is big for the game. I won’t bother you.”

“Fine. But you can’t bother us.” She nodded, going upstairs.

-

Chatter is what she heard from upstairs. It bothered her indeed, but at least her husband followed out his fatherly duties before excusing himself to hang with the boys.

She went downstairs a little later than nine, making her way down the hallway. Harry went down the hallway looking for the washroom when he saw her. The word beauty not even enough to describe this woman in satin pyjamas and hair in a messy bun.

“Washroom?” Y/N looked up hearing a deep British accent that she hasn’t heard yet.

“Right here.” She pushed open the door next to her. Harry smiled at the goddess.

“I’m Harry,” he placed his hand out for her to shake.

“Y/N, I am Chris’ wife.” Wife. Fuck. He should’ve known.

“Nice to meet you.” Y/N smiled at the attractive stranger but made her way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

The subtle chatter of male gossip was exchanged between them as Y/N slowly made her way through the kitchen.

Harry sat next to Louis as he turned around, catching the eye of one of his best friends, “There she is!” Y/N perked out from the local Donny.

“Hey, Lou.” She smiled, as Louis got up and made her way towards her.

Chris glared at his wife’s embrace with Louis. He wasn’t much of sharer, especially with a girl like her.

“Where have you been all night?”

“Upstairs, sending in some reports for work, yadda, yadda, yadda.” Louis chuckled at her, kissing her cheek and grabbing a beer.

“Hard worker as always, love. Join the game.” He plopped himself back on the couch as Chris made his way to her. Harry was behind her, grabbing a beer.

“I told you to stay upstairs.” He grabbed her hand and whispered yell.

“I just needed to grab a glass of water.” She replied. Chris wasn’t in the best mood and she reckoned he was on his third or fourth whiskey by now.

“You could’ve done that upstairs.”

“I had no glass.”

“Y/N?” She turned around glad that Harry broke up this argument.

“Where are the beers?” She looked towards the bar fridge and saw nothing.

“We must’ve run out, let me get some.” Harry perked up.

“I can come.” Chris was sitting in front of the telly, too drunk to even comprehend.

“Ok.”

-

At first, the drive was quiet. Harry came tonight because he had a few mates going, but he didn’t even expect to see such a beauty with such a terrible husband. He wanted to talk to her about it, but he only just met her.

“Does he always treat you like that?” Y/N looked over, eyebrows furrowed.

“Who treats me like what?” Harry looked at her, seeing the pain by just her voice.

“Your husband.” Y/N laughed a little.

“He’s a good man, Harry.”

“I am sure he is, but he doesn’t respect you.”

“He’s only drunk.” Excuse over excuse over excuse. Harry has known this woman for a short period of time, but he only wants to relieve her of this pain.

“Do you have kids?”

“I do, two girls.” He smiled, her voice instantly changed when talking about her babies.

“Ok, we’re here.”

-

That is how they met. That is how he slid his way into her life, and here she was, two years later and still just as miserable.

Chris hates the relationship between Harry and his wife. Y/N noticed this, Harry noticed it, fuck maybe even the girls. But, she was happy around Harry, something Chris could never have given to her.

But, after that night at the gas station, Harry doesn’t talk about her relationship anymore as she was quite sensitive over it. Instead, he waits until she comes to him.

Harry is sneaky. After that night, he purposely forgot his wallet at her house, then his phone, then he created an excuse of having a meeting with her husband, just to see the sad goddess. This created Y/N to feel normal for once, to feel like a human again without a routine and a constant reminder of her horrible sex life.

Chris is Harry’s lawyer, more as One Direction’s lawyer, but he is good at his job and continued to have him working for him after the band broke up. In fact, he got quite close to Chris yet he never mentioned his two daughters and a perfect smart wife. Harry was gobsmacked. If he was the one with such a beautiful wife and children, he’d tell everyone because he’d be so proud to have such a perfectly loving family.

Y/N is young. Way too young for Chris. Harry learnt all of this when Chris fucked off to LA for a weekend and Y/N was too stressed to talk, so she called him, they sat and she let her heart go.

-

“I can’t keep living like this, H.” Harry grabbed her hand squeezing it and pulling it close, trying his best to make her comfortable, yet he just wants to hold her on the sofa and say it’ll be alright.

“Ok, I am here, love.” He rubbed her hand with his thumb, watching tears flood down her face as she began feeling human again with emotions upon emotions.

“I am thirty. I should be happy and possibly engaged and doing what I want with life with doing yoga classes or collecting crystals or some hippie shit like that. But no, I am married with two girls. I love my babies, I do. Poppy is the most amazing five-year-old and Charlotte, my little Char, she is just two and she doesn’t know anything and she is just amazing. But, I am stressed trying to play happy family with a forty-year-old who still doesn’t know where the g-spot is or how to give the perfect orgasm or let alone know the difference between his nose and his asshole.” A little too much information, but he was there, holding her.

Y/N looked at Harry. She recognised the look the look of love and life. Harry looked at her as if the world has stopped around them and it is just her and him in their own bubble.

“I have a fucking med degree, Harry.” He didn’t know that. “And he told me to leave my career to have kids and I fucking listened to that asshole. He just leaves me here to put my life together to make him look perfect.” Harry shushed her, bringing her head into his chest and letting her sob.

-

Harry and Y/N are good for each other. It was coffee dates, lunch dates, concerts, pubs, etc. Harry was someone Y/N never had in her life, a friend that everyone dreams of.

Over the course of those two years when they got to one another, Harry began adapting feelings that were wrong. He dreamed of how she’d taste or her face when he gave her the orgasm she dreamed of. It wasn’t just dirty dreams, it was holding her hand when she was giving birth, how she’d look when she was walking down the aisle to him. It was his dream of a family with her. She was the one.

Harry was done by Chris. His friendship ended a long time ago when he got extremely jealous over their friendship, so Harry cut it. Harry decided that he wants to grow his friendship with the goddess in disguise and try to help her with every inner and outer demon.

One night he was done with the family. It was a simple ‘celeb’ party that Chris got invited too, Harry as well. But, he was so done with the fact that Y/N is an object to him.

-

Y/N looked at the mirror in front of her, sliding her hands down her body, getting rid of the wrinkles and as well as judging her shape. She wasn’t her twenty-year-old self now, her body was disgusting. She did have two babies and you can’t go back after that, but she tried to please Chris with trying to get it back to its original shape.

“Have you tried the keto diet?” She turned around, placing a facade over herself; smile complimenting her.

“I’ve tried everything, Chris.” He rolled his eyes, going to the bathroom to grab his watch. “Is the sitter here?” A low grumble of a ‘yes’ came from their ensuite as Y/N grabbed her heels and headed to the door.

“Charlotte is down, and Miss Poppy can go down in about half an hour. You know the routine, Jenna, we’ll be home before midnight.” She told the sitter, grabbing her clutch and jacket and walking towards her daughter and placing a gentle kiss on her head. “Love you, Pop.” Poppy replied with her cute little voice that made Y/N remember that it was all worth it.

“Called an uber, we’re gonna be late.” Chris grabbed her hand and headed towards the car.

The bar is where she goes when her husband leaves her to talk to his mates. She knew she was an accessory that he was once so proud to have; skinny, perfect body to fat ratio, smart and good looking. It was perfect for him, but now she wasn’t. She wasn’t what she was eight years ago.

“How do you know David Beckham?” She rolled her eyes at Harry who found her at the bar.

“Won’t know.” She mumbled, Harry smiled, placing a kiss on her cheek as he ordered himself a whiskey.

“What ya drinking?” She laughed.

“Rum.” She flatly replied.

“Just rum?”

“Yup, just rum. The cheapest rum on the menu cause it gets you drunk faster.” Right after that, she realised how pathetic that was. She had to get drunk in order to survive this tonight. If Chris found out, that would’ve been bad.

“Where’s the hubby?” Y/N rolled her eyes, Harry knew that look though.

“Playing poker.” He looked behind her head and saw something in which he tried to distract Y/N. Chris had his slimy hand on some blonde’s thigh in an open cut dress, it was slowly going up. What an ass.

When Harry first met Chris, he never mentioned his wife or children. He didn’t wear a ring while Y/N wore a giant diamond that she hates. She was property to him.

“I drove here, wanna get out and head to the meadow.” She laughed, shaking her head.

“You’re so fucking cliché.” -

She looked up at the stars, lying back on the grass on the hill that you could see London from. Harry wasn’t staring at the sky, he was staring at her. She was the stars in the sky to him.

“I knew about that blonde in the pub,” Harry was caught off guard, ”I am an expert at finding him do the smallest things. I knew about the blonde, I knew about the Asian girl in Australia, I knew about that American girl that worked for him. I know everything Harry and I am still the one he goes home to at night.” Harry nodded.

“And having shitty sex.” She laughed, looking at him; hand behind his head as he stared at her with those sparkly eyes.

“Yes, our shitty sex.” She moved over so that she was rolled over on her side looking at him.

“When was the last time you orgasmed?” She looked at him with shock.

“That’s quite personal, H.” Harry nodded his head.

“Yeah, sorry, don’t need to answer-”

“Our second night after the wedding,” six years ago, “you’re gonna hate me, but it wasn’t even with him. He left me to fly to America. I was still in Australia. So I hooked up with some Australian dude. I was angry and I regretted it.”

“Why did you stay with him?” Harry didn’t care about that, fuck he was glad. After all the shit he pulled over her.

“Because I was broke. I had a shitty childhood so I thought what he gave me was actually love.” Fair enough answer. “Before you ask, I stay with him for the kids.” She pulled herself up, sitting with her knees tucked in. “I want to leave him.”

Harry followed her actions, sitting and leaning towards her. His tattooed hand went to her hair, fiddling with it as he looked at her with such awe in his eyes.

“He wasn’t there for either of the girls’ birth. He left me on our honeymoon. I am in love with another man. He’s probably cheating on me. He uses me as an object. I am nothing to me. Obsessive, possessive, no respect for woman.” Y/N looked at him and smiled.

“Leave him.” She scoffed, rubbing the skin under her eyes.

“I can’t, H,” Harry shook his head, “He’d ruin my life if I leave him.” Harry kept shaking his head.

“Look at me, love,” Y/N looked at the curly haired man and just smiled. Harry moved his thumb under her eyes, rid the tears. “Kiss me.” He flatly said, she smiled, shaking her head. “Fuck Chris, kiss me, love.” She looked back at him.

He leant his head into hers, letting the two meet halfway. It was blissful. The kiss was everything she wanted and more. Harry moved his hands to her back, letting her straddle him as they made up. Y/N’s hands all in his hair as they just made out like two horny teenagers.

She pulled away at first, both catching their breath as they both looked at each other. She kissed his lips again, and it was the whole cycle again.

-

Y/N stumbled back home, Harry’s arm wrapped around her as they giggled walking towards her door. Harry was about to grab the handle when the door opened, an angry husband in front of them. Y/N’s demeanour changed instantly, fear replacing the joy.

“Where were you?” She heard the anger through his voice as he spat each word at her.

“I was out.” He raised his eyebrows. Harry’s arm around her still.

“Where? Why? You were perfectly fine at the pub. I took my eye off of you for one second and you’re gone with him.” He spat ‘him’.

Harry was about to open his mouth when she cut him, “I went out with a friend to the park to talk. I didn’t want to be around people tonight.” Chris shook his head.

“Unacceptable. I needed you. I needed you to be with me tonight, right next to me, like you are supposed to do.”

“She’s not an object, Chris.” Y/N turned towards her lover, spitting his name out.

“You’re not one to speak, Harry.” Harry was done with this.

“Says you with that blonde model all handsy tonight. Probably thankful that you couldn’t spot your wife tonight so you get a BJ in the bathroom.” Chris reached forward, grabbing Y/N’s petite body and throwing her inside.

“Fuck off, Styles, don’t ever come near my family again or else I’ll kill you myself.”

-

Harry hasn’t seen Y/N for weeks. He was worried. He tried to contact her, but her phone was unreachable. No one was home when he went over to her house. He was generally worried for her especially with that asshole of a husband with her.

Four weeks, one month, it was getting too much. He wasn't himself, he missed her. He missed her because she was his heroin, the only good thing in his life. He spent his days dreaming of her and sitting at home in his own pity.

A knock interrupted his pity party one night. He was on beer number two, watching the football game on the telly. Harry got up, slowly making his way to the door, and opening it, wanting all this to end.

He didn’t expect to see her. Not just her, but her as a mother at that moment. Y/N was standing there, a baby against her chest and a little one holding her hand. She was here and she looked ok.

“I am sorry.” Harry instantly opened the door wider, letting them come in. He grabbed Charlotte from her and held her.

“Can we crash?” Harry instantly nodded. Letting her lead her five-year-old to the guest bedroom, Harry following behind her. He watched as she got her little ones ready for bed, letting them snuggle her, give a cuddle to Harry and gently rocking them both off to sleep. She was the perfect mother any child could dream of and he loved her.

“Let’s talk.” She told him, closing the door behind herself and looking at Harry with so much love.

Harry nodded, looking at her and she couldn’t speak as she walked to his bedroom. He closed the door as she let all the tears she was holding in for weeks out. Harry instantly was one his feet walking towards her and giving her a hug and mumbling words in her ear, ‘everything will be alright’. He didn’t know where this conversation was going, he didn’t know why she was here. All he knew was the love of his life was crying and he couldn’t do anything to help it.

“I left him.” He was so relieved. So relieved that that monster was gone. He smiled, kissing her lips and hugging her so tight.

“Harry?” He pulled away, both of them sitting on his bed as she sniffled and she figured out what to say next. Y/N pulled the t-shirt she was wearing off as she let Harry look at the bruises all over her body.

“No.” She nodded, tears clouding her eyes.

“I am glad he touched me and not the kids.” Harry kept shaking his head, not able to process this information.

“When?”

“The night you dropped me off. I’ve been with my mum for the past few weeks. I am sorry that I didn’t text you back and all. I was just in shock and I didn’t know what to do.” He couldn’t believe her, he couldn’t believe all this.

“We gotta-”

“I’ve already filed everything, hun,” she patted his leg, “This was just a wakeup call.” She was always too positive. But, Harry got up and went to the ensuite, grabbing the first aid kit.

“Harry.” She tried to stop, but he wasn’t having it.

“Let me, love.”

[jackr4bb1t]

a quiz thingy

?This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? yes

?If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? i wouldn't be cheating. :") but when i was a young dumb kid who did, i immediately confessed ksjdhfkjsdhf

?The last time you felt honestly broken? um idk yesterday or the day before i dont remember when that was because time is all blurring together now

?Are you craving something? yessss

?If you could have one thing right now what would it be? kat

?Would you rather have ten kids, or none? NONE!!!!!!!!!

?What do you hear right now? bf typing and bitching loudly

?Is your bed against more than one of your walls? yes (two)

?What’s on your mind right now? "What's on your mind right now?"

?Are you there for your friends? no :")

?Last person to see you cry? sjdkhfkjsdhfjshdfkjshdfkjh kat :")

?What do you do when you get nervous? uhhhh idk skdjhfkjsdhf I just kinda get really quiet and clammed up B') i dunno how to describe it. and it really depends on the context.

?Be honest, do you like people in general? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? it is absolutely never going to happen under any circumstance

?Does anyone completely understand you? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?Do you have a reason to smile right now? i'm literally smiling right now because kat is saying some dumb shit thats cracking me up as im trying to type this skjdfhksjdfh

?Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? yeahksjdhsudjfh

?Do you tell your mum or dad everything? ABSOLUTELY NOT LMAO

?Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? like cigarettes?? yeah idk i find the smell pretty gross so it's definitely something i'd prefer not to have to smell all the time kjsdhfkjdhsf

?Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone uhhhh I SURE HOPE NOT

?This time last year, can you remember who you liked? ksdjfhskjdfh pretty much no one. i was actually mostly single for a couple of years there. for the first time in my life i went completely without any serious romantic interest and focused on myself instead. it was an interesting experience.

?Do you think more about the past, present, or future? definitely future skjdhfjkshdf i hardly ever think about the past or even the present

?How many hours of sleep do you get a night? thankfully most nights i get a solid 7-8. sometimes i'll only get like 5. but other nights i'll get like 10. the majority of the time though, it's in the 7-8 range.

?Are you easy to get along with? yes

?Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? no

?What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? water

?What size bed do you have? queen

?Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before wtf

?Do you like the rain? yes as long as i'm not in it kjsdhfjdf. (but i'm fine being in it if it's light.)

?Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? in this exact moment genuinely no skjdhfjhd (unless by some brief passing coincidence)

?Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do lots ksjdhfj

?Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? probably neither? i think/hope?

?Who were you last in the car with, besides family? uhhHHHhhhhhHH JIM

?What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? CATS WITH KAT OR MAYBE IT WAS SONIC???? i cant remember which order we saw those in skdjfhkjsdfh

?Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? i'm actually pretty sure the answer to this is no so like sjdfksjdhfj wow yay i did it

?Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? yep

?Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? jsdkhfkjsd no, i never did any such thing. although i would have people over that i wasn't supposed to.

?Do you regret a past relationship? all of them

?Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? why are those my only options -sobs- IT DEPENDS ON MY MOOD SKJDHFJKSDHF I GUESS I'LL PICK THE CONCERT CUZ IT SEEMS LESS SOCIAL B'D AND I AM SURE THERE ARE QUITE A FEW BANDS/SINGERS THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL TO SEE LIVE.

?Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? i definitely used to ksjdhfkjdshf and i was barking up the wrong tree the entire time

?Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? I really hope not skjdfhsjdkfh I've never been the "roasting" type idk sdjfh I've never really like... poked fun at people idk that type of humour has never really been funny to me? idk how to word what i'm trying to say ksjdfhjsdfh basically I just don't really ever make jokes about people because I don't find that type of humour to be entertaining.

?Do you care too much about your appearance? i care about it a LOT less than i used to but i still hate myself kjsdfhgkjfdg so i suppose that is an indication that i care too much

?Are you a jealous person? romantically? yes. literally any other context? no

?Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? no

?Do you miss anyone? yes :(

?Last person who made you cry? uhhhhhh

?Does your ex piss you off? no skjdfhsjkd

?What are you doing tomorrow? just some stupid bullshit chores/errands/etc. woo hoooo.

?Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? lmao no (although i was sorta like that in high school sdlkfjhksdjfh)

?Is there anyone you want to come see you? yes

?Have you ever been cheated on? yes

?Ever given your all to someone who walked away? not really

?Do you like cotton candy? yes as a treat

?Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? kat

?Do you have siblings? yes

?Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? yes

?How has the past week been for you? hell

?Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? i dont really have friends of any sex except for my partner and we are the same sex sex sex sex sex GAY GAY GAY

?What’s on your mind right now? SEX SEX SEX GAY GAY GAY SEX GAY SEX GAY SEX

?What were you doing at midnight last night? IDK PROBABLY CRYYIINGGG oh wait i was at work skdjfhskjfh waiting for jim to be ready to leave he always stays til exactly midnight unlike most people who will leave around 1158 sdkjfhskdjfh HE HAS TO FOLLOW THE RULLLESSS but i don't mind cuz he's giving me a ride which is cool so i don't mind to wait the extra minutes til midnight B) i mean, i am getting paid to be there sooo.

?What is your current mood? NEEDY

?Who was the first person you talked to today? KAT

?Will this week be a good one? YEAH WE'RE GETTING OUR SHIT TOGETHER

?Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I'm sure there are things that have happened B')

?Who were you with last night kathel who was horrifying me as i was half asleep. talking at length about how hes gonna get a garfield tramp stamp. -sobs.- i fell asleep to that.

?Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? LMAO BITCH WHAT DID I JUST SAY. YOU STUPID???

?Next time you will kiss someone hopefully not too much longerrrr B(

?Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? wowza

?Do you have any plans for the weekend? it's monday you fucking whore, i hardly have a plan for what i'm doing in this current present moment let alone several days from now

oh the quiz is over now

[leaveharmony]

It’s so hard to type on the tablet so I did only the briefest of summaries at the time.  An account of random Tana encounters in NYC over supercard weekend, cut for length.

Anyway - I’d promised @lone-gunwoman-of-the-week a new york postcard, which with one thing and another I had forgotten entirely about until Saturday, when we passed a big rack of them outside a touristy place down the street and I stopped dead and pointed, “POSTCARD!”

We were on a trek to Macy’s at the time, looking to get mum an emergency replacement purse because hers had blown out its zipper with all the stuff she was carrying in it - the last straw was after Wrestlecon when she couldn’t find her Metrocard, and then it just gave up the ghost.

(Macy’s was way too expensive as an aside - we ended up going to K mart lol.  Those all closed here like two decades ago!)

So we got the postcard, and then a stamp at the other gift shop in the hotel...only I was in pretty rough shape so we decided to go back up to the room so I could actually write the postcard & address and such.  So we went back down to mail it, conveniently at the letterbox at the other end of the lobby.

Like I say, @joshi-hashi by total coincidence booked us at the same hotel where the whole roster was staying, so over the course of three days I ran into / saw, including but probably not limited to: Kazu, Ishii, Sho & Yoh, Yano, Tacos, Goto, Shingo, Naito, EVIL, Will, Shibata & his lions, Juice, Zack (we kept riding the elevator with him lol), Jay, Tama, Haku, Yujiro, Gedo, Jado, Taguchi, Rocky, Ren, Shota, Red Shoes, Sato, Marty, MiSu, Taka, Kota, Kagatsu & a few of the other Stardom girls, Sumie...

Again, I was in rough shape and mum was faring no better, so in the window of time between waking up and the show, we could have gone and done more tourist stuff but after the subway disaster on Friday, we elected just to stay around home base, Saturday.  And I needed to sit down, so we picked a spot on one of the long padded couches in the lobby to recoup a little.  Not a minute later, Tacos, Goto & Yano rounded the bend from the elevator - we’d somehow managed to time it so that we were sitting there as literally everybody was making their way across to MSG for the show.  Hand on heart, total coincidence...I just wanted to mail a postcard lol.  As obviously times when you can just sit there comfortably and watch the whole NJPW roster walk past are fairly limited in number, we elected to stay a while.  Kazu actually came from the direction of the doors but he did have a suitcase, so I have no idea where he’d been - he grinned at us when we waved though.  Shota smiled too, Kota managed somehow to smile, wave and bow without even slowing down because that’s just the kinda guy he is.  MiSu looked at us like we were nuts every time we waved lol but we kept doing it anyway.  Most didn’t notice - I always feel like being to forward is rude so we just kept to our seat & waved rather than trying to get selfies or start a conversation - everybody was obviously all over everywhere and busy.

I couldn’t help myself on a very specific occasion, though.  “We’ll wait til 3:30,” I said casually, fooling no one.  We had the end bench right by the little dividing wall that obscures the elevators; he emerged nearly right next to me and I sprang up like a jack in the box.  My hair was pigtailed and I had my hat on rather than the feathered headband & ponytail, and I was dressed like a normal human being rather than wrestling Cinderella, but he remembered me ^_^  I didn’t want to detain him or anything so we just clasped hands again & I wished him luck - though I guess it didn’t help much.  But I was so happy just to see him again, for what I figured would be the last (probably only) time casually.  Two really sweet Japanese ladies also spotted him on the way out and physically chased him down the lobby to say hi lol.  The pillars were a little in the way but we could see him beaming while they gushed over him, and then they took a selfie.  I guess they must have complimented his hair (which looked fucking amazing) because he told them getting it done for the show cost $300 lol.  It absolutely looked it.  We were still sitting there when they came back and of course they noticed my Tana shirt - they both had his shirts on too (I think he might have signed them on the spot cos they were both proudly showing me the autographs).  So we had a really lovely chat in what they could manage in english (much much better than my broken Japanese).  Rachel appeared not long after, summoned by my mention of Kota going past, and so we all talked a while.  I just.  I love wrestling lol and the kinship of wrestling fans.

Later, after Supercard (which was on whole at least live very good, apart from some really, really stupid decisions on ROH’s part) it was past midnight when we got back to the room; our airport shuttle was due to arrive at 3:05 last we’d heard, but mum had a text message waiting RE: a slight bump up to 3:15, something schedule or logistics related I guess.  So we figured that there was no point going to bed as we’d maybe get two hours’ sleep before the wake up call and it’d be better to use the time packing and getting everything arranged.  When more or less everything was, I went up to floor 12 to sit up at the common table with Elle & Rachel (admittedly I broke into a bit of a sprint when Elle texted to say Tana’d gone past lol).  By another total coincidence as we were sitting there loudly discussing the show, an absolutely lovely gentleman who works in what sounded like a v. important position with NJPW World happened to walk past and overhear.  He’s obviously got a vested interest, so he u-turned as I was saying “If someone had only just casually seen this as a first introduction they’d probably come away concluding New Japan is amazing and ROH is terrible.”

“New japan is amazing?” he echoed, to a chorus of Yes’s.  So we had a chat for about twenty minutes giving him general feedback, telling him how we all met cos of NJPW, how we first heard about it, watch every show live, showed him all our costumes for the show, etc.  He got a handle on Elle and Rachel’s names but kept calling me “Hiroshi” because he’d seen me the day before at Wrestlecon in my Tana dress lmao.   He was a real sweetheart - a fan turned employee, living the dream.  He thanked us for paying his salary, essentially lol.  I should have thought to ask him about putting out an english subtitled version of Shinsuke’s Wonderland interview XD

But I had to run not long after he left, cos I’d cut it a bit fine with 20 minutes or so before the shuttle was scheduled.  We weren’t sure if the driver would come looking or if we had to be outside, so mum checked the keycards while I ran to see if I could ask the doorman, figuring he/they would keep a better watch and know what to look for, or just know which way it would be.  That early in the morning there wasn’t a doorman, though.  So to play it safe we stayed by the doors just inside, keeping watch, figuring at about five min before the appointed time we’d go outside.  “The lobby seems so empty without all the wrestlers in it,” mum remarked.  I figured that late, everyone must have gone to bed already.

Not long after though, TAKA came in with uh...let’s just say ‘some lady friends’ and hope they were fully informed lady friends.  “There, happy?” I said to mum, looking back towards the door in time to see Kota heading for it with a few of the accompanying entourage I figure must have been staff, translators and officials - they were everywhere too, this weekend.  I thought for a split second, ‘Oh good, I’ll be able to congratulate him!’ before he faded to a gentle haze in the background, as the sun himself said something on the way past and walked on by the door, towards Macy’s.  I don’t even think I said anything to mum but she probably understood when I took off at a dead sprint, not even bothering to drop my suitcase handle, just towing it behind me like a little red wagon.  I blew past Kota without even looking at him (I’m so sorry dude!!!!) and went as fast as my poor abused knee could carry me the way he’d gone - he hadn’t gotten far, just tucked around a little corner by the entrance - I think he was gonna do another selfie or panoramic lol. 

Again, the man is fucking unflappable, as he didn’t even raise an eyebrow when confronted with a disheveled, panting nutcase in a trenchcoat and newsboy cap being smacked in the back of her legs w/ her own suitcase at the abrupt stop.  “We’re just waiting for our airport shuttle!” I blurted.  “So I get to say goodbye!”

He actually managed to look happy to see me, bless his heart lol.  He thanked me for the third time, for the doll I made him, and I just said thank you for everything.  Again - I don’t like to be too forward, I don’t even think I could bring myself to ask for a hug, I’m too shy & too much of a headcase wrt fear of being a burden or an annoyance.  But he came at me first, and when the Ace has his arms open to you, there is but one possible course, and that course is to throw yourself into them lol.  He is a wonderful hugger :’)  It’s like being wrapped in the embrace of everything that is good and pure in this world & that’s not even hyperbole, that was really how it felt.

I’m so glad I got to say goodbye.  I mean...it would’t have broken my heart, you know?  There’s always that “Oh maybe I’ll see him again at random” thought in the back of the mind but it’s utterly without expectation.  But I was blessed enough to have the chance to speak to him twice, by chance. 

It really was like a lil fairytale; my lil wrestling Cinderella dream come true in a way I never would have actually believed.

[tedious-vexations]

Soon to be husband is asleep. Kiddo in bed. Past midnight and I’m wide awake.

I guess I’ll find a documentary about an animal and take shots.

Frog maybe.

Hey for anyone who cares here’s an update on my life.

I work at Lowe’s in the Outside Lawn and Garden department. I water the plant. I sell the patio furniture and bbqs. I do paperwork and do it wrong and have manager mad at me today but I’ll do better next time. I’m being considered for a promotion I don’t think I’ll get. But that’s okay, is a 3 dollar raise worth all that extra responsibility? I’ve got a lot on my plate not at Lowe’s. My weekend job is being a server at DeDutch, I like it more than Lowe’s but they’re only ever gonna have weekend shifts for me so the other job is necessary.

And we finally got Kayleigh and Kesler’s bunk bed set up. Maybe you don’t know much about them, or my general child situation in general.

I have 3 kids but no biological children. I met Jay, a man with sole custody of his 4 year old son, Emmett, mother out of the picture since he was a baby, she passed away about a year ago. Jay and I met, we were friends, then I stayed over one night and we really clicked, being with him felt so right, I haven’t spent a night away from him since.

That was 3 years ago, Emmett is 7 now. In between Emmett’s mother and me he had another girlfriend, she had 2 children with him but refused to let him be a part of their lives after they split up. We finally got that whole years long court case settled like a month ago. 50 - 50 parenting, Jay is now a legal guardian and we do week on week off with their mother, the kids go from one parents house to another every Friday. Kesler is 5 and Kayleigh is 4. They’re little angels, happy, healthy, well behaved kids. I’ve taken on a stepmother role in their lives. It’s a lot of responsibility but all 3 kids are worth it.

I never imagined I’d do something like this, I didn’t know I could be responsible. They need a lot of care, both boys are autistic. Emmett is high functioning, really good with school and reading and academics, poor social skills and coordination. Kesler is harder to sum up, his autistic traits are caused by his microdeletion. Basically he’s missing a chromosome, his 16th pair is incomplete, so it functions as if it just isn’t there. I wouldn’t say it negatively effects his life much beyond the commication barrier. We were initially told he would be non verbal but time has shown us this is not the case. He has problems with language but is certainly verbal, he’s just still learning. You can’t really have a conversation with him but you can communicate basic needs and how he’s feeling, what he wants to do, etc. At first I was worried about bonding with him, not being able to fully communicate and all, but he’s a very affectionate boy, always wants hugs, to be picked up and carried, to just sit with you and watch tv. Another symptom of his microdeletion is his size, he’s pretty small for 5, still easy to carry. Their little sister Kayleigh is a sweetie baby, cutest, sweetest 4 year old girl ever. Wild too, she would stay up playing and yelling all night long if we let her. (She proved this on New Years.)

We finally got all 3 kids moved into the biggest bedroom (we live in Jays parents basement suite) and got Kay and Kes bunk beds built. It sucked but it’s done and kids are happy. With the trial over we’re trying to settle down a bit. Saving up to move out of Jays parents house, we’re gonna get married and I’m going to adopt Emmett. My sweetie boy. I’m looking at my big sweetie boy sleeping right now. I better find something to watch before it gets too late. Maybe Pokémon.

Not too much else to update on. I don’t have a switch and I want one for new Pokémon and new Animal Crossing, I’m working on better habits for my health, I say as I drink vodka and energy drink at almost 2 am...

Oh well, I’m gonna leave you with a Simpsons quote I’ve been living by lately. “The strong must protect the sweet.” Goodnight. 💜

[jbeverywhere]

Easter in Poland

Ok, so if I wrote about Christmas (<-link) I should write about Easter as well. Second big holiday in Poland with many traditions!

And to remind, those traditions are in my family, in my little village and probably many of them are not known in the other parts of Poland ;) I won’t be surprise, but the main idea is the same ;) 

Easter doesn’t mean only one weekend. The beginning is much earlier. I wrote already about Fat Thursday (<- link) - is last Thursday before Lent. So we can say we start from Fat Thursday eating as much pączki as possible. Then on Tuesday there is like last night before Lent so last night of parties etc, we call it Ostatki. I think it’s quite popular to party that night (but remember only till midnight because then is Ash Wednesday).

Ash Wednesday - first day of Lent, we go to church and the priest puts on our heads a little bit of ash (from palms from the previous year). Ash means disability of human life, fleetingness (przemijalność), mortality and also purification, revival. This day we can eat only 3 times (2 light meals and one heavy) and without meat. During 40 days of Lent you can try to be better human, like e.g. stop drinking alcohol, stop eating sweets, etc, like you make your own challenge.

So now we have 40 days of Lent. Are they different days than others during the year? Yes. It’s like schools together with parishes organize days of reflection. There are like 1-3 days off but students should go to the church and listen to special sermons. Some priests (or others) can do it really well, but not all… And there are different ones, for children (with games, questions, stories), for teenagers, for students, for adults, about their “problems” etc. Some people like to do it even more intensive so for example you can go to monastery for few days to spend them with your thoughts, reflections. Why all of this? To start being better human, it’s like New Year’s resolutions. Because Easter is about revival.

Droga Krzyżowa - Way of the Cross - it’s a lenten service (english is strange xD), which takes like ~30 min. Every church has those 14 stations of Jesus way with the cross to Golgotha. And this can be done really well, really heartbreakingly but depends of the church and involved people.

The example from the village next to mine:

It’s like in the theater. When I was like 10-15 years old I used to take part in those performances ;)

Gorzkie Żale - Lenten Lamentations - another lenten service (every week) where are sung special prayers.

Palm Sunday - one Sunday before Easter. In polish palm is palma xD The day before (or days) we are preparing at least one palm for the house/family. Mostly it’s for children so when we were younger we had even 3 palms in my house. Now just one ;) The original one should be prepared from twigs of willow (or others) but you should put at the end some twigs with willow catkins (it’s the symbol of spring). Ok, so we have the base. That’s all? Of course no! It should be colorful! With maaaaany flowers. So we make flowers from tissue papers. Look:

So beautiful! There are many techniques, we even learn them in the school. And then you put also ribbons and voilà!

Why? In remembrance of Jesus arrival to Jerusalem. We prepare those palms, take them to church to sacrifice them. There are even competitions who has the biggest palm (like really really long ones - hard to suit in the church!) or the most beautiful palm.

What do we do with them next? We keep them till Easter, then I’ll tell what is next.

Some my childhood photos. Notice the difference of the weather. One year during Easter there is snow, another so sunny beautiful day.

One week before in the small city next to my village there is a market of handmade eater things. Women from my village were selling this:

Palm Sunday starts Holy Week.

Holy Thursday - normal working day but in the evening we go to the church to the Mass of the Lord's Supper (Msza Wieczerzy Pańskiej). It inaugurates the Easter Triduum (3 days to recall passion and death). The Mass doesn't finish like normal, is like cut. The Blessed Sacrament is taken to the altar of repose (ciemnica). And then there is time to keep vigil and prey there. Like suddenly the silence everywhere.

Good Friday - in many countries is a day off, in Poland not yet.

The only day during the year when there is not any mass. It's passion and crucifixion of Jesus. There aren’t any bells or music.

The Blessed Sacrament is taken to the tomb and then the firemen stand there to keep guard. They change ie every 30 min. It’s like a choreography. I’m always impressed, they stand like rocks, no moves, no smiles, true guards. This I’ve never done as a firewoman but read more.

During the day you can eat only 3 times (2 lights meals, one heavy) and without meat.

Holy Saturday - and here we start traditions! So in my family in the morning just after breakfast we are painting the eggs! Yes! I love it :D You can buy in the shops some special colors, markers, etc or you can use natural staffs to paint your eggs. There are many different ways to do it, you learn it from your parents, grandparents and also in school.

drapanki - you scrabble the shell of the egg, of course with some sense, beautiful picture.

kraszanki - you boil the egg in the natural dye, like onion - brown, beetroot - pink, etc

pisanki - you draw something on the egg (using wax and some niddle) and then you put it to the dye

oklejanki - you stick something to the egg, like some material - lace, etc

nalepianki - you stick some paper decorations

and much more...

Credits to Ruda! It took her ~2h for 1 egg!!! WOW szacuneczek!

-> Inspiration <-

My mum started to crochet “eggs”, just look:

Do you want to order? ;)

But why we do it? We prepare full basket of food which we will eat the next day for the breakfast (and later because there is a lot). Each thing in the Easter Basket has a meaning.

lamb - not the animal, calm down. It should be baked bread in the form of lamb but in my house we use sugar lamb (which we buy days before from Caritas) or butter lamb - a fundamental symbol of Jesus

bread - it’s like foundation, it symbolizes Jesus body

egg - triumph of life over death

salt - life-giving mineral, catharsis

cooked-meats - health, fertility and wealth

cheese - friendship between human and the nature (oscypek hej!)

horseradish - strength and lustiness

cake - special biscuit cake called: babka, symbol of abilities and perfection  

That’s the base, but you put there also what you want for that special breakfast. So in my family we put - oranges! I don’t know why xD I think it’s because it was something special in Poland in the past so to make the basket really special they put oranges and we keep the tradition. Also butter (for the bread) and the best - chocolate bunnies and eggs <3 mmm my favorite! Especially when you challenged yourself for 40 days without sweets then this breakfast is very special.

Basket should be made of wicker, decorated with the white napkin and the lace, with some twigs of boxwood.

So we have the basket ready, what is next? We go to church (yes I know, again) and there is food blessing. It’s a short ceremony, after that you can stay longer and adorate the cross or just you can come back during the day to do it.

Aaaaand! I did it in Valencia too! I mean, I prepared the basket and with Fede we went to polish parish to sacrifice it. Good girls :D My parents were so proud of me :D

Aaaand from childhood xDD

Those clothes <3

That day is also a day to cook and prepare a lot of food for Sunday and Monday, and of course last cleaning to have “perfect house to welcome Jesus”. We even sometimes laugh that before Easter there is like a total cleaning in all polish houses.

Then in the evening (depends on the church, but should be late - after the sunset) there is Resurrection. In the past (like 10 years ago) it was on Sunday before the sunrise. But they changed to Saturday night. So it’s a big celebration because Jesus resurrected. So you should dress pretty elegant. As a fire brigade we all meet dress in elegant uniforms to go to the church together and stand in the front the whole mass. Almost always I’m standing with our banner 😎 Then at the end there is procession, 3 rounds around church singing about Jesus resurrection and being happy.

After the mass as a fire brigade we go to our fire house to eat together easter food (eggs and sausages) and spend time together. I like this tradition :) 

Easter Sunday - the day of happiness, food, food and food. The day when the whole family sits together and eat big breakfast. All food which was sacrificed the day before. You take the “scented-so-good” basket and put it on the table, all eggs, bread, sausages, chocolates - it’s time!

And Valencia 2019:

In my home we use to drink cacao and/or chicory coffee that morning. That breakfast it’s very unique. And after it you are sooooo fuuuuuull. To remind - 40 days of lent, less food, less sweets. So now explosiooooon. Just after 12:00 my mom’s sister comes with her family to have lunch together. So more food. The soup should be żurek z kiełbasą (sour rye soup with the sausage).

credits: https://gotujmy.pl/zurek-kujawskii,przepisy-zury-przepis,230935.html

But in my home only my parents would eat it so we have rosół which is the best of the best :D

And the second dish schabowe and more meat :D For the dessert there are some special easter cakes:

babka - we put it to the basket

makowiec - poppy seed cake - this one depends which part of Poland, for me it’s christmas cake, for others easter

mazurek - wikipedia - with all the decorations, but to be honest I’ve never made it and it’s not a cake which you can find in my family table.

And you think we finish eating? No way. We just clean the table after the lunch and we put food “to snack on”, drinks, cakes ;) 

click to see the gif ->

Easter Sunday night is also special. At least for us from Moszczenica ;) It’s a night of fire (we say that we burn Judas) and a night of jokes. What? We meet (cousins, neighbors) and we make a bonfire - it’s to say goodbye to winter, hello to spring.

We drink and we dance, it’s a great outside party (like 5-10 degrees xDD).

And when the village, the rest is sleeping we go! We go to our uncles, neighbors to change something, like block the front door with some big planter, move the car, wrap a car with a stretch foil, just move things, to make the morning a little harder BUT still using brain and not being bad ones. For example, the road was blocked :D 

In the Monday morning you can hear many gossips. But shhhhh nobody knows! 🤫🤭😇

Easter Monday - Wet Monday - Śmigus-dyngus - this day we split the water on each other :D “I don’t care, I love it”. Why? The tradition was really old,and has changed. In the past it was like that: the boys hit (like a little bit) the girls with pussy (xD) willow branches and now we use only the water and the war is on the both sides. The gender doesn’t matter. In the past it was a little bit about “love” but now it’s just fun. When Easter is late, like the end of April and that day is sunny... wow! Then in the villages you can not be dry. Amazing day! And when Easter is in March and it’s so cold then yes... we still do it xD but more in the houses and praying that mom will understand xD With my uncle I have always a good fight. In the past I threw water over him from the window when he was outside he he ! :D But last year he was prepared as well and he knew... Also his method was to take me to the bath, too strong to fight... I could just scream but everybody was laughing so don’t expect any help that day. Sounds crazy no? But it’s really nice. And yes, villages, in the cities don’t try to split the water on a stranger.

Also that day my father (the man of the family) takes the palm from Palm Sunday, split it to many parts and takes each of it to different part of the house and places which belong to that house, like fields, forests, etc. It’s kind of protection from bad things (fires, droughts, etc). But it’s my father and he does it on Monday because his father did it on Monday as well. In my village you do it normally on Sunday. 

So this is our polish Easter, especially in Moszczenica ;)

[doctor-mycroft-fox]

And here am I again, complaining and being a crybaby on this website again. I can’t post on Twitter, too many people might see it, and I’ve already lost some friends about of that dumb story I keep talking about. 

The truth is I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what to say, everything is so shitty, and everything is a mess at the moment. I’m not that depressed during the day, mostly because I keep myself quite busy, I don’t have much time to think, and there’s always some friends from uni around to talk etc so I don’t really think but I’m not really there, I feel like I’m just numb to everything. When evening arrives, and I have to come home, I just want to run away, I don’t want to be in this house anymore, the people here, I just feel paranoid, I just feel like everybody hates me there (except for my Russian flatmate, she’s my Belgium Mum here). And they all make so much noise all the time, I’m so tired. 

The more I go to uni, the more I feel like I’ll fail, but it’s the only thing I have to go, so I do it, I go. Moreover I’m engaged in two team work so I can’t give them up. But seriously, this semester is so hardcore, I don’t even know how I’m gonna pass my exam, I’ll probably fail most of them, but well, at least I know it. The worst part is going to uni, feeling bad about not being able to cope with all the courses and the works, and seeing your friends managing to do it all and even more sometimes, and like... you’re there, and you can’t really complain because we’re all in the same shit and I’m tired of being the one who always complains. I complain because I just suck, that’s the truth. I suck at uni and I know it, but I still have a slight hope that I might maybe, with a miracle, manage to pass my exams ? I don’t even know. 

I finally live in Brussels, a city I’ve always wanted to live in, and I’m not even happy, I can’t even enjoy the city because I have too much work to do. 

I have this one friend, maybe the only one I can call a friend in Brussels, from uni, she’s really cool and protective about me sometimes it feels good to have someone like that, even more in times like this. But I feel guilty for the time she gives me, and the fact that she feels like she has to confort me or whatever.She has other important things to do like work for uni, and take care of her family and close friends, who am I to her but someone who passes in her life?  On the other hand, she’s the only one I feel confortable enough to talk about that dumb Russian asshole. She’s the only one that won’t judge me or else. 

I feel lonely even tho I know I have friends, but, most of my close friends I know I can’t talk to them about everything. The only friend I could talk about really everything and anything, well, just left my life. 

He truly has a toxic person in my life that I needed to get rid of. And I did, it’s a good thing. What I hate is how it happened. Long story short, we spend the entire month of October arguing about how he treated me poorly, and how he didn’t care about me at all, and I told him I wanted him out of my life, and he couldn’t even say (at least sober) why he wanted to keep me in his life as a close friend. He couldn’t tell me how much he cared about me, he couldn’t tell me that he loved him, he couldn’t do this, and admitted that I was the only one he couldn’t actually say it to, and he didn’t even know why. The more I think about, the more I feel like he did all of this just to make me suffer even more. I’m almost convinced he did that with the purpose to torture me even more. Anyway, he just kept on feeding me hope during the entire month, asking me (begging) me to give me a last chance, again and again (because he kept on fucking up his chances every time) until he finally asked me for a break. A break that I didn’t want, I know him, he’s a dumb asshole, and a break would just please him, he’d have the feeling he’d won the battle, and would forget all about what I told him, and blamed him, I just feel good again, while I’ll just keep on feeling more and more shit because of him. And that’s what happened, he just left me like that, with no guarantee, nothing. God I hate him for doing that to me. And he does that on purpose, he knows how it drives me crazy. I truly think he likes to know that I’m suffering. Or worst, he doesn’t care at all about me. That’s probably the best hypothesis. 

I mean, how could he left me like that ? Like he really did care that little about him to let me go like that ? Not even with a last fight. Oh and I didn’t talk about his dumb tweets during his break “I know you’re mad at me but I love you - (I’m sober if that matters)”. He deleted these tweets right after I liked them. Like yeah, I love you but not too much eh, and I just post that here so you just suffer even more. He keeps on feeding me with hopes and let me suffer. Why can’t he just say goodbye and truly let me go ? Why does he have to do that to me ? What have I done to him to deserve that ? I just want him to let me go once and for all. Last week, I was tired of waiting for him, and just sent him a message to say that if he didn’t do something by the end of the week, guess what ? He first replied to me to kind of insult me because I didn’t reply to his phone calls, then tried to make me feel like the bad person who doesn’t hold on her promesses. The irony, when he’s actually the one who’s been lying to me for more than a year now. I eventually told me that he would do what “he planned to do” on the Friday afternoon. And guess what ? He did nothing. He once again gave me hope for nothing, just to gloat over my pain I guess ? To give me again a bit of hope so I’d think about that all weekend long for nothing. I really hoped until midnight. I sent him a message at 00.30am to ask him if it was finally over and complain that he couldn’t even have the guts to say goodbye and to undertake the fact that his only plan was to just gave up on me (maybe because he realised that I was right when I told him that he’d be better off without me) and no answer since then. Oh and also, he putted on some social media a new username like thisisnotover, omg stop him I want to stab him a thousand times (at least if I do that his father would find me back and kill him, all advantages to me since I am too much of a coward to kill myself), he continues to be that dumb ass shit and feeding me hopes just to see me suffering. At what moment, when you want to keep someone in your life (and you keep saying so), you just can time the deadline this person gives you ? Show that you want to get better for that person and do things on time FFS. He stopped his break this week (yeah I checked his Twitter account even tho I know I shouldn’t and I try to do it as less as possible) but didn’t send me anything. Just reply, just say goodbye for fuck’s sake. 

I just spend my day numb, not even able to think properly, wandering at the university, I don’t even know how I found the force to work, I just act like a robot when I’m there. And my nights, it’s just me crying to sleep every time, I don’t even know why I cry ? I wanted him out of my life. But I guess it’s just the way it happens that drives me crazy. And the fact that I cared so much about someone that never gave a shit about me. I did so much for him, even when I think about it now I just feel bad for myself for doing so much for him while he’s not able to do just a little for me... anyway. 

I’ll just be the typical emo girl that will finish all that with a quote from a BMTH song. Never been much of a fan of this band, but True Friends really stick well to my current mood and his behaviour. 

I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? It's funny how things work out Such a bitter irony Like a kick right to the teeth It fell apart right from the start But I couldn't even see the forest for the trees (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front It's kind of sad cause what we had Well it could have been something I guess it wasn't meant to be (So how dare you) Try and steal my flame Just cause yours faded Well hate is gasoline A fire fuelling all my dreams (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline

I don’t even know if someone will read this shit, but I’ll probably delete it in few days when I’ll regret writing this. 

[echo-the-owl]

vmin fluff ?(°▽°) university au bcos i liked the one u wrote :3 where taehyung keeps asking jimin out on a date but jimin keeps refusing (not in a rude way I can never see jimin like that but more like an ehhh I dunno) just bcos he lowkey thinks taehyungs a fuckboy but then one day he finally gives taehyung a chance? love u and ur writing btw ü

Jimin had figured that going to university in a different city, Seoul at that, he would avoid running into anyone he already knew. I mean, sure, a lot of people aimed for schools in Seoul, but not as many as you would think, and even less of them actually made it there. Yet, his first day on campus he ran into an all too familiar face. Kim Taehyung. Out of all the people that he knew, it had to be Kim fucking Taehyung.

To be fair, Taehyung wasn’t a total asshole. There are certainly worse people that could have followed him there. Still, he didn’t like Taehyung, didn’t want to see Taehyung, and hoped to god that Taehyung didn’t recognize him as well. Maybe, just maybe he’d be lucky, and they wouldn’t actually have to see each other much. They had passed each other near the campus entrance, and they’d probably never see each other again. It was a big school.

He got to his dorm room, started silently unpacking his belongings, and told himself to just forget he had even seen him. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t important. He didn’t care. Kim Taehyung could do whatever he wanted and it didn’t have to concern him. Just because of one stupid incident at the end of high school…

The door creaked slightly as it opened. Jimin turned to see who his roommate was and…

Well, really, should it be any surprise?

“Hey, I’m-” Taehyung stopped short as he recognized the student that was now glaring at him. “Oh, nice. Good to see you again.”

“I’m glad one of us thinks so,” Jimin scoffed.

“Huh? Did I… Did I do something?” he asked, more than a little confused.

“Nope, not at all. Sorry, just tired. I’m gonna go out for a bit. Bye.”

After spewing out his staccatoed response, Jimin did just that. He grabbed his phone and left. Taehyung was left alone in the room, bewildered. Obviously, he knew Jimin. They had attended high school together and it wasn’t exactly a secret that he thought the shorter man was cute. He had actually tried to ask him out once, and while he did somewhat expect the rejection, he hadn’t expected Jimin to be so harsh about it.

It kind of came out of nowhere. Taehyung’s friend had gotten tired of his staring and told him to just ask Jimin out already. Taehyung brought up the obvious reasons why he shouldn’t. (He might not be gay, he’s moving to Seoul in a couple months, etc.) His friend convinced him, Taehyung stopped Jimin after school and asked him out and Jimin…

He hadn’t even been especially rude about it. His words were kind enough. There was just something about his seething gaze, the sharp exhale, the clenched jaw that made it all absolutely cutting. Taehyung didn’t get it. He still didn’t. What had he done to make Jimin dislike him?

After sucking down some coffee and reflecting, Jimin decided to be civil. It wasn’t Taehyung’s fault that they were roommates and it would just make things miserable if they decided to antagonize one another while living together. Taehyung was rarely in the room anyways. They didn’t share any classes either, thankfully. Things were actually, surprisingly, fine.

A month had passed before they even actually spoke to each other beyond a passing ‘hello’. It was a weekend, and Taehyung was actually in the room for once, playing some game while lying on his bed. Jimin was working on a project, ignoring him entirely until he spoke up.

“Why do you hate me?” he murmured, watching Jimin flick boredly through some screens on his laptop.

“What makes you think I do?”

“Well… just… seems like it. I’ve been thinking about it and I can’t remember having done anything to you.”

“Right. I’m sure stuff like that passes your mind pretty easily, right? Too many faces to remember?”

“I- What?”

“Forget it.”

“No, seriously? What are you talking about? We’ve never done anything for me to forget. I asked you out and you said no.”

“Oh, so you do remember,” Jimin muttered, rolling his eyes. “Grand.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, you didn’t seem to remember Minji, and I figure it’s all the same, right?”

“Minji? Kang Minji? What about her?” Taehyung asked, sitting up. He was completely confused. What did Kang Minji have to do with any of this?

“Exactly,” Jimin sighed. “You sleep with someone and then they don’t matter to you anymore. You probably found out I was gay and thought it’d be fun, right?”

“Woah, hold on. You think I slept with her?”

“I don’t think. I know.”

“It’s really weird for you to know things that never happened,” Taehyung frowned. “I’m not into girls. I never have been. So I don’t know what you think you know, but unless she was hiding a dick in her skirt, I never slept with her.”

“Right. Sure. Except she told me you did. But sure. Whatever you wanna say.”

“I didn’t even know that you were gay when I asked you out, by the way. I just thought you were cute.”

“Okay.”

“You know what, if you’re not going to believe what I say anyways, I might as well let you know that I’ve only ever slept with one person before. A very male person. And I was dating them at the time. I don’t sleep around and I don’t think I ever even talked to Minji outside of class. I don’t know why she would have told you that, but we never did anything,” Taehyung huffed.

“Oh, I’m sure,” Jimin rolled his eyes, but… he was starting to feel a bit skeptical.

Honestly, he had been surprised when Taehyung asked him out. He even almost said yes, but then he remembered what Minji had told him a mere week before. He had admitted to her that he had a crush, and then she told him Taehyung had slept with her and started ignoring her since. Jimin thought it was a little odd back then, but why would Minji lie to him? They were best friends…

Taehyung left the room and after thinking about it some more, Jimin picked up his phone, messaging Minji and asking her about it. Was it a lie? If it were, would she even tell the truth about it this time?

You told me you slept with Taehyung, he sent. It wasn’t really a question.

Yeah, so what? was her reply, only a minute later.

You didn’t, did you?

What does it matter? It convinced you to say no when he finally asked you out.

Excuse me? You knew he was going to?

Listen, I was just saving you from the heartbreak of having to leave him in a couple months anyways. You were going to Seoul and he had no plans to.

“I’m sorry,” Jimin muttered as soon as Taehyung came back at nearly midnight. He had been sitting, curled up on his bed watching the minutes tick by as he waited.

“You’re… for what?”

“She lied to me,” Jimin sighed, hiding his face in his knees. He honestly felt like crying. He had since he had gotten those messages.

“Minji?”

“She’s my best friend, so of course I believed her! I still don’t get why she would…”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Taehyung murmured, sitting down next to Jimin.

“Yeah, I do. I told her I liked you and she told me that and I- God, I’m such a dick.”

“You liked me?” Taehyung asked, surprised.

“She knew you were going to ask me out.”

“You liked me?”

“God, I’m so stupid…”

“You liked me?” Taehyung said again, and Jimin finally looked up at him, confused. Taehyung was gawking at him, looking absolutely stunned.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I- Is that all you heard? I’m trying to apologize!” he whined.

“You liked me…” Taehyung’s shock faded into a cheerful smile as he wrapped his arms around the smaller male.

“Wha- Hey! What are you doing?”

“Sorry. I’m just really happy cuz you liked me.”

I’m sorry. I don’t know what this is 😅 I don’t think this is really what you requested at all, is it? I tried. I’m sorry…

Send me a prompt?

[anotherenbyjourney]

why now?

Something I was asked by my doctor during my assessment was: Why now? Why look to pursue surgery now? Why come out to everyone and make these changes now? I turn 30 in just over a month. I’m not a kid, or a teen anymore. Far from it. I suppose I should know who I am by now, should have had that figured out, but honestly do any of us ever really know who we are? Ever?

My entire life I’ve felt just... Odd. Weird. “Other” a lot of the time. Not just because I’m a nerd (that’s not helped lol), but I have never really fit in properly with the majority of your average girls or women. I felt the “odd one out” amongst my family who were predominantly female. In offices staffed with majority women, I felt like a complete outsider. I’ve very rarely “clicked” with girls and I get along a LOT easier and faster with guys. Any age, any background, any education level, getting along with guys was much smoother.

I put it down to “they just don’t “get” you”.  I didn’t get the same feeling with my friends, male or female. We shared enough of the same interests, had the same sense of humour, liked the same things etc. But that’s how it works right? The people you click and vibe with, you make friends with. Age was maybe also a factor in “not gelling” with other women. People also come from different walks of life. 

“You're not just a big weird freak, you’re just made from entirely different moulds, right? You can’t get along with everyone?”

It’s only within the last few years that I started finding out about gender issues, nonbinary specifically. The more and more I read into it, the more stats and facts and studies I absorbed, the more little bits of information, the more RELATABLE AS HELL the stories I was reading were getting... the more I started to consider; Hey wait a minute. This is all making FAR too much goddamn sense.

It took a while for things to start adding up to the point I started making changes in my life or thinking differently about myself. All the things I was learning, and how they related to me and the way I think and feel, started to change my outlook on myself. About 2 and a half years ago, I started thinking to myself: “Right. I’m Nonbinary. This is me!” I tried it on, entirely privately, non-verbally. It’s how I thought about myself. And it... fit. It worked. It felt right.

Some time later, I told my husband and a few very close friends “hey I think I might be nonbinary” or at the very least “I’m having very weird Gender Feelings you guys...” The ability to talk it out and bounce ideas and feelings off my friends, some of whom are trans themselves, has been utterly invaluable. Last year I made more baby steps towards accepting this strange new-but-not-new part of myself, that I’d managed to finally put a name to. I told a few more people. I would drop it into casual convo. I made posts around pride week and national coming out day. The binder I’d bought to wear for cosplay purposes, I started wearing on a more casual everyday basis. I -embraced- my masculine swings a lot more often and dressed how I wanted to dress, moved how I wanted to move, spoke how I wanted to speak. The way that felt most natural at that time. I stopped worrying I “looked super butch” or “like a lesbian” when I looked and dressed more masculine.

And it all felt - really good-.

Imagine you’ve gone the majority of your life, thinking like.. “theres just something not quite right here.” It’s nothing causing you physical pain.  There are no real symptoms you can put a finger on. “Not fitting in with women”, “not being into girl stuff”, “having body confidence and body image issues”, “liking to wear boys clothes/have short masc haircuts/wearing cologne/etc/etc/etc” were all just weird little facets of yourself you’d had to live with and feel weird and “other” about.

And then suddenly someone goes: hey that weirdness you’re feeling? There’s a name for that. You’re not just a freak! You’re not different all of a sudden, nothing has changed, but aaaall the stuff that made you “you”, makes a heck of a lot more sense now that you can put a name on it.

This is not “Who I Am Now”. This is Who I Have Always Been.

It all started to make sense. Everything. I wasn’t just weird. I didn’t have to worry about “looking like a man” anymore. My dysphoria made SENSE. It sucked ass, and still made me feel like shit, but it made sense! I’m not broken.

The biggest “click” and the thing that lit a real fire under me was New Years eve 2017. It was a themed party, and people were all in costumes. I went as a male character and wore my binder (I’m going to talk a bit about costuming as male characters later because this is also Important I think). I’d had a few drinks, and when it came time to take the costume off and get into something a bit more comfy after midnight (and because I was coming to the end of my binder time. I like to bind safely) I found that it was HEARTRENDINGLY UPSETTING... to take the binder off and “go back to being girl-me again”. I’d always been really sad after a solid weekend of dressing as a man for male costumes and having to “go back to normal” but this was like an intense version of that feeling. That I’d spent 29 years doing this, living with and putting up with “girl-me”. Like that version of myself wasn’t the real me at all. That I was facing another year, approaching thirty, and that this was going to be how things were for the rest of my life unless I did something about it.

January 2nd I sent out an email to my chosen doctor (I’d been researching it all for months at the back end of 2017 but done nothing about it) to try and book an appointment to pursue top surgery, which I told my husband about and we had a long discussion around. 

February 4th I came out to my mum and my two sisters who had a lot of questions but were incredibly supportive. They told me that “actually that makes a lot of sense...” considering my childhood, and while they were worried for me from a “this is a surgery you cannot come back from, I hope you’re sure” point of view, supported me there too.

Last month I went a lot more public with my gender and I’m trying to make more and more people aware of it, since I interact with large groups of varied people as part of cosplay and costuming. I’ve literally faced nothing but support (and questions of course, but I’ve got all the time in the world for supportive people who just want to understand things so they can better help and support their friends and others like me.)

It’s been thirty years. And I still have a long way to go. But I’ve honestly never been more comfortable within myself and with every babystep I’ve taken towards hacking my way out of this shitty little “desperately trying to conform to gender standards” chrysalis I’ve been trapped in for my entire life, the better I’ve felt.

[storytimeafterdark]

A Whole New Experience

Gena & her best friend Delilah were living in Gena’s dad’s house. Gena was her dad’s only child & had inherited her dad’s house when he passed away unexpectedly from COVID-19. She had known Delilah since Kindergarten & they instantly became best friends.

Through the years, Gena & Delilah overcame many obstacles; Gena’s mother got cancer & passed away when Gena was 14, Delilah’s parents divorced & went on to marry other people, proms, graduations, crushes, boyfriends, college, etc. Now Gena wondered how she was going to deal with her latest dilemma: falling in love with her best friend. 

Delilah had a gorgeous boyfriend named Andrew. They had gone away for a romantic getaway weekend & when they returned, Andrew did not go back to work. Nobody had seen or heard from him. Delilah got worried & had a welfare check done on him. His twin brother Alex found him dead in his apartment. He had overdosed on pain killers. Gena went with Delilah to the funeral & was there for her during everything. Deliah spent many nights in Gena’s arms, crying.

6 months passed & Delilah was really depressed because it was Andrew’s birthday. Gena decided they needed a vacation to help get Delilah’s mind off things. They went to San Diego for a week. They did a lot of things, including a Padres game, the naval museum, riding a boat to Coronado & back, & spent time at the beach. Delilah asked Gena to put sunscreen on her back & Gena did. Delilah did for Gena as well. They both enjoyed laying out. Gena loved Delilah’s body & wanted so bad to touch it but she held back. 

When they got back to their hotel room, Delilah realized she was sunburnt & asked Gena to put aloe vera gel on her. Gena accepted & Delilah took her bikini top off. Gena saw Delilah’s breasts & loved them. She was dying to touch & suck them. She put aloe vera gel on Delilah’s back. ”Gena that feels so good”, Delilah moaned. Gena said, “Delilah, you’re so beautiful & your body is gorgeous. I love you”. “I love you too Gena. Always have”, Delilah said. Gena looked at her straight in the eyes & said, “Delilah you don’t understand. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU”. Delilah said, “Really? That explains why you haven’t had a boyfriend in a  very long time”, referring to Gena’s last boyfriend Sam, who she lost her virginity with. They were together their junior & senior years of high school & broke up when it was time to go off to college. Gena looked down at the floor & said, “I don’t want a boyfriend. I want you”. Delilah, hearing that, grabbed Gena & kissed her passionately. “I want you too”, she said & untied Gena’s bikini top. She tossed it on the floor & Delilah sucked one of Gena’s nipples. The girls laid on the bed, french kissing very passionately. Gena took Delilah’s bikini bottoms off & Delilah removed Gena’s. Gena sucked Delilah’s nipples & moved down her body, kissing her way. Delilah’s pussy was wet when Gena started fingering her, causing Delilah to moan. She then licked her finger she had in there & slid her tongue in. “Oh my...Oh Gena! You’re as good at this as a guy!”. “I learned from the best. Sam taught me everything I know”, Gena said. She made Delilah cum & Delilah switched so she could make Gena cum. Gena & Delilah ordered room service & Gena dared Delilah to answer the door nude, so she did. The guy was really cute. She invited him to join them after he was done. His name was Jonathan, a brunette, tan, surfer type. He took Delilah up on it & at midnight, he arrived. Gena & Delilah fucked around with each other until then. The girls were dying to experience something new, which they already did having oral sex with each other. Jonathan came in & saw the girls were still naked & waiting for him. Gena walked up to him & kissed him passionately. He put his hands on her ass & she told him she wanted him inside her. She undressed him. He was well endowed & both girls were very turned on by what they saw in Jonathan. He was hot for both the girls. He laid down in between the girls & took turns kissing each. Delilah gave Jonathan head first, then Gena, & he took turns eating them out. Gena told Jonathan to fuck her & that he did. He entered her pussy & made hot love to her. Delilah was fingering her pussy watching them go at it. It wasn’t long & Jonathan shot his load inside Gena’s pussy. He then told the girls he wanted to watch them go at it & they did. He got hard watching them make out & eat each other out. He was stroking his cock. “My turn”, Delilah said. Jonathan made love to Delilah & Gena got herself off watching. Jonathan spent the night with the girls & had sex with them all night long. Delilah fell asleep & Jonathan & Gena went hand in hand onto the balcony naked. He ate her pussy & gave her multiple orgasms & then they fucked again. They took naked pix together. 

Every night of their trip, Jonathan came to be with them. Gena enjoyed giving him head & swallowing his cum when she snuck out to see him while Delilah was sleeping. Delilah wasn’t feeling well so Gena & Jonathan went to his place & fucked each other. Gena found herself falling for him & vice versa. When he went to work that night, he dropped Gena back off. Delilah was really sick & it turned out to be appendicitis, which made their stay in San Diego longer. Because of Covid, nobody could see her. Gena & Jonathan were fucking every night & morning. They were madly in love. Jonathan made the decision to move to be with her & would join her in a month.

When Gena & Delilah were driving home, Gena broke the news to Delilah that she & Jonathan were in love. Delilah was happy. She was hoping that Gena’s “lesbian phase” was just that; a phase. Alex called Delilah & wanted to see her. They met up for dinner & talked. He asked her if she would mind going out with him or if it would be too weird for her, being he was Andrew’s twin. She said she was fine with it & told him she would like to date him. 

A month later, Jonathan was living with the girls & only having sex with Gena, since Delilah & Alex were now in love. Delilah & Alex went back to his place one night after dinner & a movie, & they made love that night for the first time. It was also the night that Alex asked her to move in with him. She accepted. Jonathan & Gena were having sex every night & very much in love. He even proposed to her, which she accepted. Alex proposed to Delilah & she accepted. The girls decided it should be a double wedding & it was.

[suit-lady]

“Karen, put my crime-fighting playlist on shuffle, please.”

Okay, this has taken me longer than I will admit to anyone, but I’ve done my best to come up with some sort of “ultimate Peter Parker playlist.” I tried to keep it more on the upbeat side because I was going for a mix he would play while swinging through Queens.

Anyways, here is the link to it on Spotify, and I really hope you like it! It’s like five hours long, so hopefully there’s something you like in there somewhere xx

Also, I know it’s not perfect, so please tell me if you have song recs to add or anything like that! Or just feedback in general x

Since it’s so long, the full track list is under the cut!

FULL TRACK LIST:

1.)    Blitzkrieg Bop – 2016 Remastered // Ramones

2.)    Time to Pretend // MGMT

3.)    Act My Age // Hoodie Allen

4.)    Can’t You Hear Me Knocking – Remastered 2009 // The Rolling Stones

5.)    Save It for Later // The English Beat

6.)    Going Up The Country // Canned Heat

7.)    The Underdog // Spoon

8.)    Space Age Love Song // A Flock of Seagulls

9.)    Theme (from “Spider Man”) [Original Television Series] // J. Robert Harris, etc.

10.) Left Hand Free // alt-J

11.) Wildfire // blink-182

12.) Stockholm // Atlas Genius

13.) The Only Thing That Matters // blink-182

14.) Freakin’ Me Out // The Mowgli’s

15.) Alone Sometimes // The Mowgli’s

16.) Cool Kids // The Downtown Fiction

17.) Shooting Stars // Bag Raiders

18.) I Know A Place // MUNA

19.) Africa // Toto

20.) Gone // JR JR

21.) Something Just Like This // The Chainsmokers, Coldplay

22.) September // Earth, Wind & Fire

23.) 24K Magic // Bruno Mars

24.) Midnight City // M83

25.) Undercover Martyn // Two Door Cinema Club

26.) Happy Idiot // TV On The Radio

27.) I Wanna Get Better // Bleachers

28.) Somebody Else // The 1975

29.) The Sound // The 1975

30.) Talk Too Much // COIN

31.) Electric Love // BØRNS

32.) Take It or Leave It // Great Good Fine Ok

33.) My Type // Saint Motel

34.) No Rain // Blind Melon

35.) HandClap // Fitz and the Tantrums

36.) Ocean Avenue // Yellowcard

37.) Jerk It Out – Original Mix // Caesars

38.) Genghis Khan // Miike Snow

39.) Fluorescent Adolescent // Arctic Monkeys

40.) Last Nite // The Strokes

41.) My Number // Foals

42.) Lisztomania //  Phoenix

43.) Second Chance // Peter Bjorn and John

44.) Got To My Head // WATERS

45.) Here It Goes Again // OK Go

46.) Song 2 // Blur

47.) Take Me Out // Franz Ferdinand

48.) Miracle Mile // Cold War Kids

49.) I Can Talk // Two Door Cinema Club

50.) Just What I Needed // The Cars

51.) Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Remastered // Eurythmics

52.) A-Punk // Vampire Weekend

53.) Figuring It Out // SWMRS

54.) Breezeblocks // alt-J

55.) Can You Blame Me // Matt and Kim

56.) Sidekick // WALK THE MOON

57.) My Body // Young the Giant

58.) Nothing To Worry About // Peter Bjorn and John

59.) Oh My Love // The Score

60.) Something I Need // One Republic

61.) Junk of the Heart (Happy) // The Kooks

62.) Girls // The 1975

63.) Technicolour Beat // Oh Wonder

64.) Tighten Up // The Black Keys

65.) Sexual // NEIKED, Dyo

66.) I’m Good // The Mowgli’s

67.) Birds // Coldplay

68.) Feeling Electric // Parade of Lights

69.) Jump Rope // Blue October

70.) Don’t Stop (Color on the Walls) // Foster the People

71.) Into the Ocean // Blue October

72.) Safety Dance // Men Without Hats

73.) Who Can It Be Now? // Men At Work

74.) So Alive // The Goo Goo Dolls

75.) The City // The 1975

76.) The Kids Aren’t Alright // Fall Out Boy

77.) No Money // Galantis

78.) Whatever It Takes // Imagine Dragons

79.) Gasoline // Two Door Cinema Club

80.) Birch Tree // Foals

81.) If I ever feel better // Phoenix

82.) Fools Gold // Fitz and The Tantrums

83.) The Mess // Kid Astray

84.) Fell In Love With New York // The Zolas

85.) Flashed Junk Mind // Milky Chance

86.) Disconnected // 5 Seconds of Summer

87.) The Less I Know The Better // Tame Impala

88.) Origami // Capital Cities