#work is already busy and going to get worse cuz no one knows how to buy things BEFORE a holiday

[syrasenturi]

Anyone here remember amphibia

[knowyourplace-fool]

Bully gojo and shy oc !! Who always torments you and humiliates you. Makes you do all his works and you do out of fear. You don't question him and feels smug . He tells how he hates you( but actually he likes her a lot but he doesn't confess because ypu keep rejecting every guy so he thinks you don't accept him either) and tells you that you are just a burden on this earth but then you get into an accident and don't come to scl for a week. Gojo doesn't know what happened to you and can't find out cuz you don't have frnds either. After a week you come to schl with a bandage to your head and a fracture sling on your arm. He gets worried and clings onto you and tou lash out for the first time telling him that he got what he wanted and he could be happy now. He gets angry and kidnaps you and fucks you🙃

-> omfg YES! gojo is such a bully

-> sorry for any mistakes!

⚠️: NON CON, Kidnapping, Mean!Gojo, physically, mental and emotional abuse, manhandling, bullying, biting, groping, size difference

-> THIS IS REALLY DARK AND FUCKED UP PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK !

All you’ve ever done is mind your own business

Sure, you don’t have many friends but that doesn’t really bother you

You enjoy being independent. Your grades are high in the air, your part time job in your school is more than enough for you to live comfortably. (In this universe, inflation doesn’t exist)

You don’t really talk to anyone, not even family. Whole bunch of drama happened, and they were toxic so you ended up leaving them for university.

Everything seemed to be going as planned until a 6’4 menace walked into your life.

Gojo Satoru was your typical frat boy and the star of the university’s basketball team.

Some may even say the Golden Boy of your university. He was smart, athletic, had a good reputation among the professors and just with people in general. Not to mention, he was ridiculously handsome. Man literally had girls fighting over him.

You’ve seen him in the hallways but never actually interacted with him. He was in a few of your classes but luckily, you guys never were put together in a group.

Until today. Your prof is running a lab and gathered the smartest students he knows to do it for him. It’s kind of a two in one for him, the lab gets complete and you guys gain some experience.

Anyways, the group consists of you, Satoru and his friend Suguru and some other nerdy people

Now unlike Gojo, you already sorta knew Geto. He was really friendly and kind towards you so you were kind of excited to be working with him.

A few days into the lab and Gojo has a sudden fixation with you. Well he always had, but this lab is letting him work closely with you and it’s making his obsession worse.

You’re stupid if you think that Gojo Satoru hasn’t kept on eye out for you. Every time you walk by him in the halls, he gets a hard on just by catching a whiff of you. The cute skirts and the pastel closet you have drives him over the fucking edge.

It takes every cell in his body to resist the urge of grabbing ur wrist, pulling u into the janitors closet and fucking you absolutely dumb and stupid.

You look so cute and innocent, like a little bunny. And god, you are just an easy target to corrupt.

So, Gojo plans a party. A party on the following Saturday after your lab is complete because he knows that you’ll be free.

His plan is to get you to come, keep you company, get you a little hammered, then get a feel of your pussy. Simple plan.

It’s now up to Geto to get you to come to this party. And of course, for his best friend, he’s 100% on board with his plan.

All goes well in the lab and in your final days of completing the report, Geto asked the big question.

“Satoru and I are throwing a party tomorrow. If you’re free, we’d love for you to come. You can bring anyone you want.”

You blush. Party? Your first party? Your brain breaks out in celebration because as much as you liked to spend your weekend relaxing, you also have a severe case of fomo. (Fear of missing out)

Your eyes lit up, saying yes on the spot in excitement. The following day, you went back to your dorm and tore your closet apart, looking for a nice dress. You settled for a blue, body con, summer dress. (despite it not being a party dress but who gives af bc it’s summer)

The next night, you got all dolled up for the party. You made arrangements with Geto to pick you up. He made it on time, looking handsome in his all black fit with his hair in a bun.

You were excited… for nothing.

There was a party (a lit one), but you realized a little too late that your social skills were next to non existent. The whole time, you felt out of place. So you stood in the corner, drink in hand and watched others dance and interact with each other.

“You don’t look like you’re having fun.”

You turn your head only to be faced with a bright blue eyed man, the one and only Gojo Satoru.

“I guess partying is not my thing.”

“Oh come on, come with me.”

He grabbed your hand and headed towards the beer pong table

You and Gojo were a team and surprisingly you two worked perfectly together

The alcohol in your system made you flush, and you found yourself loosening up a bit and having a bit of fun.

Gojo’s plan seemingly was rolling out perfectly. You were a bit drunk, so he took you back to his room to “sober up” (but it was just an excuse to get u alone so he can fuck u but u don’t know that)

Now listen, Gojo got rizz alright. So imagine the look on his face when he went in to kiss you and you slapped him so hard, his face turned the other way.

“I’m not some whore you can use for tonight. I was genuinely having a good time with you, I don’t know why you had to make it sexual.”

You felt like crying. Is this what all guys think about?? Sex?

You get off the bed and head towards the door before you’re pulled back and thrown on the bed

“Satoru, stop! I want to go home.”

And just like how you did with him, he slapped you. Much, much harder.

He didn’t say anything, he just had this look in his eyes that could honestly kill. He took a hold of your wrist with one hand and let his other roam and touch your body.

He pulled your dress up, revealing the lacy, white, underwear you wore. You were a teensy bit wet, not because of him but maybe the alcohol? Or his best friend?

You don’t know, but Gojo thought the wet spot was because of him.

“Tch, saying you don’t wanna hook up but you’re fucking wet f’me.”

He pulled you closer to the head board, reaching out to his night stand and pulling out,,,, cuffs?

“Wait wait wait wait!” You say in a panic. You squirm to get your wrist free but once you feel the metal snake around your wrists and the click afterwards, you were doomed.

Your dress was ripped off by him. Your panty was somewhere on the ground and he easily took off your bra by doing the same thing he did with your dress. You laid nude under him, against your will.

As you can imagine, the night went terribly for you. You weren’t a virgin but it had been a while since you had sex (all the way back in high school) and really it was your first time with someone so experienced.

The next morning, you woke up with him cuddling you from behind while his lanky legs were intertwined with yours

You somehow managed to escape his grip and sneak out of the house before anyone could notice. You did have work, but decided to call in because of… well for obvious reasons.

On Monday, you dreaded to go to school. But with midterms coming around the corner, you couldn’t afford to miss a lecture. You dressed in baggy clothes and took a different route to class to avoid Satoru.

The day was going alright until you had to go to the library to pick out a few books to help you on an assignment.

While you were reaching on your tippy toes, someone behind you grabbed the book which made you quickly turn around. Your eyes meet his bright, blue eyes.

“You’re avoiding me now?”

The anger that overcame you in that moment was indescribable. You wanted to scream at him, hit him, threaten him or somehow bring him down, but you couldn’t.

“Did I fuck you mute? Answer me.”

You took a deep breath in and said, “leave me alone”

“Why? What, you think you’re too good for me? That I don’t have enough worth to fuck you? Is that what it is?”

He grabbed your cheeks with one hand and squished them together, pushing you back against the bookshelf in the process. He was holding you so hard, you couldn’t move.

“Listen to me, you slut. Don’t get our roles mixed here. You’re literally a piece of shit next to me. You hold no value in this world. If you died, no one would even think twice about it because no one gives a flying fuck about you. You think you’re soooo fucking special or something. You think you’re too good for everyone. Well you’re not. You’re just a broke whore, with no friends, no family, no hobby— nothing.”

He roughly let’s go of your face that you nearly fall to the floor. You tried your best but couldn’t help but cry at his words. Gojo swings off his backpack, grabs a note package and hands it to you.

“This assignment is due tomorrow at noon. I haven’t gotten the chance to start it because of basketball. So you’re going to do it for me cause you’re a worthless, bunny that has nothing else to do after school hours. And before you think about handing in something stupid, take a look at this.”

He pulls out his phone and in a matter of 10 seconds, you felt your heart drop to the pit of your stomach.

A video. Of you. Getting fucked by the Gojo Satoru. It’s evident that you’re crying but it’s easy to cover it up with an “excuse”. Your face held a horrified expression.

“P-please, delete that! Please, I’ll do it but please just- just delete the video please!”

“No, not until that assignment is handed in and I have to get 100% on it. If it isn’t handed in or I don’t receive 100%, this will be leaked to everyone in a matter of minutes. I’ll post this shit everywhere with your full name on it, got it?”

You felt like crying and throwing up at the same time. This felt worse than a nightmare. This felt worse than dying even. “Okay, I’ll try my best but I don’t know if I can get-”

“If you don’t get 100 on this assignment, I’m leaking it. I don’t give a shit. I already showed Suguru— sick bastard got off to it, and I’m sure many more will too if you don’t score 100.”

He picks up his backpack and leaves while you stood in distraught. The following night, after work, you immediately started on his assignment. You saw the assignment date and it was assigned 3 weeks ago. He wants you to do 3 weeks of work in 15 hours.

Somehow, you pulled through the night. Researching the best you can on the internet and trying to make it as best as you possibly could. You were able to send him the file at 11:30am so he could skim through it and hand it in.

You ended up leaving early for the day so you could go home and get some sleep. When you woke up the next morning, your nearly dead phone kept ringing over and over.

You pick it up and see hundreds of notifications on various social media’s and a few iMessages

Your thumb clicked on one of the iMessage notifications and there was Satoru’s name with the following message:

“I told you, only 100%”

Below the message was an image of his mark

A 98%

You swipe off of iMessage and open Instagram and boom

Hundreds of new follower requests, numerous dms and clicking of Gojo Satoru’s story, was the video of him blowing your back.

You checked Snapchat and there it was on his story too. You wanted to die. You wanted to dig a hole and bury yourself alive than live another day in this situation.

Later that day, you had received an email from the dean’s office regarding a “very sensitive and confidential” meeting that would be taking place tomorrow.

You had an idea of what it might be about but hope and prayed to god that it wasn’t what you were thinking.

But to your luck, this meeting was regarding your sex tape and how there is no longer a spot for you on the dean’s list or team.

Your whole world was crumbling apart. You spent your whole life to get to where you are today, only for him to ruin it in a matter of 12 hours.

You left the building slowly, still deeply thinking about what you could’ve done to prevent this. How stupid you are to go to that party and slap the Gojo Satoru.

“Why is this happening to me?”

All of a sudden, everything goes black.

You wake up in a hospital. Your head felt heavy and your arms was twitching. You look around and see… no one. The nurse catches a glimpse of your eyes and quickly walks in to check on you.

She explains that you were in an accident and that they tried to get in contact with an emergency contact but you hadn’t stated anyone. You stayed at the hospital overnight so they can monitor your brain activity and fortunately they were able to discharge you the next morning.

You took the rest of the week off from school and Gojo Satoru was losing his mind. He had spammed called you from various numbers but you weren’t answering your phone at all. He went from his usual mean insults to angry insults to pleading for a response back.

He doesn’t see you until Monday, with a bandage around your head and your arm in a cast which is also in a sling. He nearly runs to you, wanting nothing but to embrace you.

And he does. Holds onto you tightly, inhaling your shampoo until you knee his in the balls.

He immediately drops down and you completely lose your cool. “Don’t fucking touch me! I hate you! You ruined my life! You’re not allowed to touch me after you forced me to have sex with you and shared the video with the entire campus! You got what you wanted Satoru! You stole everything from me! Broke my entire world, burned my hard work down! Made me feel worthless! And now you want to act all concerned?! I hope you rot in hell!”

You ended up going home for the day, otherwise another headache would’ve set in. You took a quick lap before getting up and getting ready for work because those hospital bills weren’t going to pay themselves.

You had the closing shift and although working with one hand was quite the challenge, you desperately needed the money.

After closing up, the walk to your apartment is about 10 minutes away. Everything was going fine until a car quickly pulled up next to you, two men sprung out and shoved you into the car before you even had the chance to react.

One of them had his hand over your mouth while the other held your legs together.

You were blindfolded and tied in the car and after a while the car came to a stop and you were carried out.

You were thrown on the floor and when the blindfold was removed, you were met with his eyes again.

You immediately started crying. You were afraid and quite frankly exhausted of everything that’s happened over the last week.

“Please. I’m sorry. Just let me go. I’ll never ever bother you again. I’m sorry.”

You plead and beg but you hear his belt unbuckling. “Please! Please, I beg you Satoru! I’m sorry! I can’t- I can’t do it again please!”

You were left unheard. He threw you on the bed and tied your limbs to the bed. One of your arms was already in extreme pain and the other arm was starting to hurt too because of how tightly he tied you.

Every ounce of hope drained from your body when you felt his cock push into you. He pushed your head into the mattress and fucked you hard, like there was no tomorrow. Your tears soaked the mattress. Sweat, tears and snot covering your puffing face.

Satoru went on for hours. Abs glistening in sweat, his arm veins popping out because of how hard he was holding you. Not to mention his cock was coated with loads of cum.

You were passed out by the time he finished with you. Your body shaking on its on, cum dripping out your cunt and marks/bruises left all over your soft skin.

Hopefully his bunny learned her lesson.

[tiyoin]

Now I'm thinking about twisted anxiety reader being able to sing really well. I feel like there could be some very interesting/funny moments (4 us not reader).

Reader probably only sings in a reclusive area like a forest around the dorm

I wanna say that the forest already has haunting rumors about it ,and when someone (jade or rook) hears reader singing they think that the "ghost" is up and active again. So students start doing a "test of courage" type thing.

I put Jade or Rook being the one to hear reader cuz they're really the only ones that would really be in that area without a reason.

I also know they're intelligent enough to know it's not a ghost ,but start the rumor anyways cuz they want to know who's singing. And it becomes this big thing the school trying to figure out.

Cut to reader losing her mind cuz she like "wow, I didn't know people thought it was that bad. How am I supposed to live, laugh, love ever again??"

When in reality they were just memorized by reader's singing. And they really want to find out who it is.

Bonus points if they film it and sent it to the group chat you posted about earlier. And reader just has to be like 🧍‍♀️ "whattt???? No way!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ a random voice in the woods 😱😱"

I'm sorry for sending 2 long asks back 2 back ,but twisted anxiety just gets my head going.

Also if you don't like being sent stuff like this just tell me and I won't send any more. I don't want to over step at all. These are just like head cannons I give to reader ,cuz I just love making things worse for her. Can't let her know what peace is

YOU

hOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN MY HEAD 🫵

i’m going to give you the fattest smooch alive you don’t understand. AND I LOVE IT WHEN I GET LONG ASKS!!! so please! ask away i don’t mind, i actually get really flattered that people want to share with me their long, detailed thoughts !! i was actually nervous people wouldn’t like my long responses 😖

no cause that’s ALWAYS one troupe i ALWAYS go back to.

i was thinking about making them a singer, REALLY I WAS- but i had second thoughts cause i thought people wouldn’t like it / maybe people would think its too… y-nie or im trying to make twisted anxiety reader too much, ya know

BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU MEAH MWAH (also dw i got your other ask and fully plan on answering it, this one was just at the top of my inbox 🫶🫶)

but oh my god,,,, HEAR ME OUT;

twisted anxiety reader getting pent up because they. have. no. outlet.

none.

maybe they played a sport in their old world, but no longer can’t because seriously?? going up against beastmen, mermen, fae and just,,, men?! absolutely not.

they can’t do anything fun in ramshackle because of the ghosts can and will find a way to stick their noses into your business. also hello??? no privacy at ramshackle👎👎

honestly, twisted anxiety reader doesn’t have any friends so they can’t blow off steam that way either. and going to the gym is out of the question because 1. anxiety 2.gym bros- and working out at home is… different.

so there has to be a way to let off steam… good thing twisted anxiety reader dilly dallied in everything!!

they want to sing but aren’t confident enough to join the pop music club, and the walls to ramshackle are paper thin.

there’s absolutely no where you can go.

and yet… every time you glance at the forest. you can’t help but wonder…🤔

AND IVE ALWAYS IMAGINED READER SINGING

“everything stays” from adventure time

“love all mine” by mitski

“rises the moon” by liana flores

“sky fall” by adele

“memory” from cats

“listen” by beyoncé

“hopelessly devoted” by olivia newton-john

oh my god i have to make a separate post for this before i completely rot and accidentally write a whole chapter because i’ve been WAITING to write about this and i’d feel bad about making this SUPER LONG

but i can’t imagine rook going for a sunset “hike” (…sure, let’s go with that) and hearing you. belting your little heart to “hopelessly devoted” HAGFJAIWOFOSOWOFOAPEIFOZOQFOXOD

ROOK IS AWE STRUCK

such passion! such devotion! how marvelously beautiful! rook is stunned.

of course after you finish singing he can hear you moan and groan about trivial things but- rook hunt was not a hunt if he didn’t appreciate the gift the forest provided.

and yet, the carful hunter made a careless mistake. cursing silently, he glared at the twig his boots stepped on before he snapped his head up to the clearing up ahead.

ah, you fled.

to say rook was… upset was an understatement. yes he was able to marvel in your voice, but he lost the privilege to listen to more, to observe from afar.

the strange songs you sang and possibly wrote (what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him) are gone with the wind and the high step of your foot as you vanished into thin air.

rook could easily hunt you down, but he stopped himself after a slight muscle twitch. non non! he was the enjoyer of beauty! not the hunter! yes he hunted beauty but it would go against his very being to trap it instead of let it fly free and continue its song.

so let this be your little secret, okay.

jade would def walk into you singing ‘everything stays’

OR OR ROOK N JADE BOTH TAG TEAMING READER IN THE CHAT SAYING HOW THEY WISH TO MEET THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICED GOREST ‘NYMPH’ SO THEY CAN HEAR MORE OF THEIR SONGS

readers just like;

😟

“time to find a new location☝️”

*there’s no where those two won’t be able to find you fyi*

TWISTED ANXIETY READER WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE‼️‼️ NOT AS LONG AS IM HERE‼️‼️

please send more headcanons i love reading them 🙇🏻🙇🏻

babes this is me n u rn:

[mixelation]

okay i did something interesting. here's a scene from reborn au (the ONLY thing i have written from kushina's POV) and then how the same thing would go in reborn au au. spoilers: obito makes everyone worse.

reborn au first. kushina after she backs back to konoha from iwa. includes some Adult Intimacy with minato but the actual sex is fade to black. also this was inexplicably written in present tense so i had to edit it to match the other bits; apologies if i missed a sentence

****

Kushina let Minato lace his fingers through hers while they waited for their Ichiraku order, then step directly into her so their shoulders brushed. He always got so needy whenever her missions went bad. 

She didn’t mind. She’d missed him. She leaned her head on his shoulder, watching Teuchi’s daughter Ayame set bowls in front of dine-in customers. 

“Thanks,” Minato said, accepting three plastic tubs in a plastic bag from her. Half a second later, they were in their dining room. 

“Naruto!” Minato called. “Your mom is–”

A small orange hurricane crashed into Kushina. Kushina grinned as she wrapped her arms around her son. She knew Naruto really loved her because he hugged her tight and told her how much he missed her before grabbing for his share of ramen. 

They didn’t tell Naruto a thing about her kidnapping. He was still too young, and the incident already had Minato’s ‘need to know only’ stamp on it. Kushina hated keeping secrets from her son, even ones that would upset him, but a ninja’s life was always filled with secrets. The only reason she didn’t have to keep any from her husband was because she lucked out and married the Hokage. 

Kushina was already mostly healed, anyway. She didn’t have to explain away any injuries, only that she was tired from travel. 

“Did you do anything cool?” Naruto asked through a mouthful of noodles. “Dad said there’d be a big tournament.”

Kushina grinned at him, and then spent the rest of the dinner recalling all her students’ matches through her own mouthfuls of noodles. 

“He won the whole thing?” Naruto whined of Itachi. “Sasuke’s never going to shut up!”

“I won the tournament at my exam,” Minato told him. “You can tell Sasuke about that.”

Naruto rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t count, you know.” 

Kushina winked. “Deidara really gave Itachi a run for his money, though. And all the Iwa-nin think he’s your brother.”

Minato buried his face in a hand as Naruto’s brows furrowed. 

“Why would they think that…?” Naruto wondered. “Cuz he’s blonde? That’s stupid.”

Kushina laughed. 

After dinner, Naruto very excitedly showed Kushina a project he’d been working on at school. They’d been learning to make traps, and he proudly showed her diagram after diagram of traps he made up himself, which largely overestimated the laws of physics. Kushina grinned and ruffled his hair anyway. She knew her son. He might be a disaster on paper, but he would figure out how to get every one of those traps to work, even if he had to make a hundred nonfunctional traps first.

She dumped the duty of actually checking Naruto’s homework on Minato in favor of taking a luxuriously long bath. She loved her long hair, but it accumulated travel grime like no one’s business. Her joints felt truly exhausted while she brushed out her washed hair after her bath, making her wince. Kushina almost never got this tired. Iwa had really done a whammy on her. 

By the time she was out, Minato was talking to Naruto down the hall, putting him to bed. Kushina listened to their faint voices affectionately as she went through her clothes in search of pajamas… ah, an old shirt she’d stolen from Minato. Perfect. She’d missed home so much. 

It was only once Naruto was sound asleep in bed that Minato came back to the bedroom. He was still adorably needy. 

“I was worried,” Minato murmured between kisses to her neck, his hands buried in her damp hair. She was so glad she’d washed it. 

Kushina huffed in exaggerated irritation even as she tilted her head to the side to let him at more of her neck. One of his hands switched from her hair to his hip, fingers pushing up her pajama shirt. Kushina moaned as his familiar callouses brushed over her bare skin. God, why had she even bothered putting anything on?

“It was over before you even knew anything had happened,” she said as Minato backed her up to their bed, his other hand also working its way under her shirt. His teeth grazed the shell of her ear. “My team had me out almost immediately.”

“That’s why I was worried,” Minato replied. He obediently leaned back so she could pull his own shirt over his head. “What’s the point of you having a hiraishin marker in your seal if things happen before you can use it?”

Kushina snorted as she tossed his shirt away and dropped down onto the bed in one motion. Minato still had his mesh armor on, and she ran a hand over it, enjoying how it fits his chest. Minato was always making puppy dogs eyes at her about how he missed being able to kiss her first thing in the morning and last thing at night when she was away, but Kushina had always missed the warmth of his skin. 

She very carefully rolled up the mesh armor, watching his chest move with long, relaxed breaths. 

“Like you teleporting into Iwa wouldn’t have made everything worse,” she said, discarding the mesh. It clunked to the carpet, deceptively heavy. 

Minato whined at her like the giant needy pushover he was, pushing her further back onto the mattress so he could straddle her. Despite the topic of conversation, Kushina couldn’t keep a juvenile grin off her face. 

“Who cares?” he said, carefully brushing hair out of her face. “They kidnapped my wife.”

Kushina knew Minato was not being serious. The third war lasted more than half their lives, cost him two of his students and Kushina her entire clan, and Minato would never do anything so brash that he might rekindle it. But also, when it was just the two of them, she kind of liked this side of Minato. 

Also, even though it had been almost ten years, it still makes her stomach flip to hear him say my wife. 

“Your wife is fine,” Kushina told him, cupping his face and running her thumb over his bottom lip. “But she’s a little disappointed she’s still wearing clothes.”

Kushina was barely wearing clothes. She was in her panties and a baggy T-shirt, currently bunched up around her armpits, and she felt great. Minato’s gaze dropped from her face for the first time since they’d started making out, his eyes lighting up with acute interest at the sight of her under him, like it had just occurred to him he could look and not be hopelessly lost in her eyes.

You dweeb, Kushina thought affectionately.  

“I missed you,” she said out loud. 

Maybe she was a little needy too. 

In the morning, Kushina woke to find Minato on his back, frowning at the ceiling. She blinked a few times, trying to focus on his profile in the dim light of sunrise. This exercise didn’t last long, as Minato realized she was awake. He beamed at her, rolling over and pushing himself up to lean over her. 

“Good morning,” he said, and then pressed his lips to hers. 

Usually, his good morning kisses were brief. A small peck to say I love you before he ran off to some new Hokage crisis, or before one of them went to wake Naruto. Often she was only half awake, and he’d have to go for her cheek or temple. Sometimes it was Kushina initiating it, on the rare occasion a mission had her out of bed earlier than him, or on his days off when he’d let himself sleep in. 

This time, his kiss lingered, and god, she’d missed just the weight of his body on hers. He opened his mouth, poking his tongue at her lips, and she almost let him in. 

Instead she turned her face away, and he drew back. 

“I am so tired,” she admitted. “Rain check?”

He flopped back down into bed next to her, careful to avoid her untied hair as best he could, and she could tell from his body language he was upset. Minato never got upset when she denied him, though. Something else in the exchange had gotten to him… oh, was he upset because of why she was so tired?

She poked his side. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can let Iwa get away with kidnapping you,” he said. “Bad optics. Can’t let Konoha seem weak.”

“Well…” Kushina said, tracing a finger across his ribs. “Deidara did take out the entire demolition squad, and they think he’s your bastard child you used to steal their bloodline limit. So you might be even, you know.”

Minato covered his face with a pillow. 

////

okay, so then here's just the very last bit, but now reborn au au. minato POV. assume the mission went exactly same, even though i might retcon this

****

Minato pulled back when Kushina turned her head, his eyes focusing on her face. She was so pretty in the morning light, her eyes dark and her hair turned to a red glow. He would kiss her forever if she let him. 

“I am so tired,” Kushina admitted. “Rain check?”

Kushina’s hair looked so good spread out over the sheets, beautiful red swirls against their cream-colored linen, like a painter’s masterpiece across canvas. Minato loved it, loved seeing it after weeks without her, loved the way it made the whole bed smell like Kushina, but he was keenly aware it would hurt if he laid on it. Kushina had yelled at him more than once. He was very careful as he laid back down next to her. 

Kushina was almost never tired first thing in the morning, not after a good night’s sleep, and Minato had made sure she’d slept very well. She might have healed any wounds, but her mission had taken a lot out of her. 

Chakra poisoning in Iwa, Kushina had said. It was a very tricky thing to manage, but Iwa had correctly hypothesized it was one of the few things that could reliably take out an Uzumaki. It was also one of the few things that would reliably work on a jinchuriki, although he was reasonably confident Kushina’s status as one remained confidential. 

Minato felt a flash of anger, both at Iwa and at himself. How dare Iwa send him so many simpering letters about peace and good-will, and then do this to his wife? And how dare Minato be so stupid as to let her walk right into their village? 

Kushina poked him. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can let Iwa get away with kidnapping you,” he said. He said it slowly, feeling the weight of the words on his tongue. He would not let another long, pointless war break out. But how could he let Iwa get away with this insult? What else would they do to Konoha, if he let them do something so brash without consequence? “Bad optics. Can’t let Konoha seem weak.”

“Well…” Kushina traced a finger over his ribs as she described her team’s destruction of the Iwa Demolition Corps, and Minato wanted nothing more than to ease into her touch and just listen to her talk for hours. 

He couldn’t, though. In a little bit he’d get up and get Naruto ready for school, because Kushina needed rest, and then he’d go into his office and schedule a full day of meetings about what to do about Iwa. He had to think this over. 

“Obito burned down Kusa,” Minato said contemplatively. Kushina’s fingers didn’t stop. “And Ame said it was understandable. Nothing bad happened.”

Ame was in the neighboring country and leadership was… kind of nuts. If anyone would flip their lids over Kusa being decimated, it would have been them. But they hadn’t, and they’d more or less told Iwa to shut up when they’d sent an inquiry. 

“Mm,” Kushina hummed. “But that was in the moment, part of a rescue. That’s more justifiable than retaliation after the fact.”

This was very true. Minato highly doubted Iwa would go public with losing their strongest combat group, but if they did and tried to point the blame at Konoha, it was unlikely anyone on an international level would get involved. Iwa had kidnapped Team 4’s beloved sensei, and they’d gotten her back. What else would anyone expect?

Then again, as the peace treaties currently stood, no village could drag another one into war by virtue of their alliance, as had happened in the Third Shinobi War. If he did something to Iwa, as long as their ally Kumo didn’t want to be involved, Iwa couldn’t force them to help. This also meant that if Konoha got into an altercation, they couldn’t force Suna or Kiri to send aid, but… did they really need that? Unlike Iwa, who had turned funneling civilian children into shinobi training into an art, the number of active shinobi in Konoha still hadn’t recovered since the war. However, several key individuals meant their actual combat power was higher than ever. 

Would it be worth the risk? 

Maybe he should talk to Obito… 

[navree]

me @ you calling Lucerys boring! 😆 come on, he's just a kid! cutting out aemond's eye was bad, i agree, but i don't think he was as bland as everyone says. his imposter syndrome in 8 and 10 was interesting to watch at least. he was a brave little boy.

I mean I don't really see anything brave about bringing a knife to a fight he not only had fuck all to do with but where he was clearly at fault (Aemond did nothing wrong, he tamed a free dragon, Baela and Rhaena get a pass because they're grieving but Jace and Luke had no business being involved and certainly no business escalating into 4 v 1 violence against the clear cut victim), trying to literally murder someone because I don't know what the fuck you're trying to do when you stab a knife at someone's face but it's certainly not a warning shot, showing zero remorse for it at all, and at worse acting like a little snot when in the same room with your victim. The fact that Luke got away with this scot free (didn't he literally say "I didn't do anything" you boring little asshole you stabbed out someone's eye that is the opposite of not doing anything!) is an absolute travesty of justice that stains everyone involved (mostly Viserys and Luke but I'm not letting Rhaenyra "pls torture the ten year old stabbing victim until he tells me how he figured out that these white dark haired children aren't the sons of my black platinum blond husband" Targaryen off the hook either). Aemond could have died, not only from the initial wound, but from the myriad of infections or other issues that could have plagued him during the healing process. For God's sake, Viserys nicks himself on the Iron Throne and they have to lop off his arm, his infected injuries and their treatment have already made him pretty firmly decrepit by Driftmark, the fact that Aemond healed without any serious and lifelong and further damaging complication is a goddamn miracle. And even kids know that murder is bad, I'm pretty sure that if I were Lucerys's age and I tried to commit homicide I'd have to deal with some consequences.

And I'm sorry, but I call him boring because he is! They wrote a boring character! That's not on me for picking up on it, that's on the writers and the myriad choices they made that led to them severely underdeveloping several characters, most prominently Lucerys (Jace and Baela and Rhaena at least get another season of life to develop further, Luke gets four episodes and they knew that going in). This is a song I've been singing literally since the show was airing and it's not gonna change, cuz he's dead and therefore stuck with his boring character and complete lack of characterization.

Him being a kid is not a character trait, and it certainly doesn't make him more interesting anymore than, say, his eye color would. The impostor syndrome thing they kinda tried didn't really work because 1) it's not impostor syndrome if it's true, he's not a Velaryon and Vaemond was 99% in the right in that entire thing (I don't like him throwing out misogynistic slurs, you can point out that these aren't Velaryons but Strong bastards without stooping to calling Rhaenyra a whore, I hate men sometimes) 2) in episode 8 it exists for one single line and is not a driving force for him at all for the remainder of the episode to the point that it could be cut out and mean nothing, especially since that scene was only there to introduce adult Aemond and 3) it doesn't even make sense because the person who was set up as having issues with his lack of Velaryon heritage and Harwin being his father was Jace. Jace is the one who hears the rumors and clocks it early on in childhood, Jace is the one who is deeply affected by it to the point of bitterness towards his own mother, Jace is the one who grieves Harwin but also feels angry that he can't express it. All of that was set up as part of Jace's arc, not at all Luke's, who is literally set dressing up until he decides to commit criminal offenses in the middle of the night. And then time skip, and suddenly Jace is A-OK and Luke, who has shown no issue before now (or any personality at all) is slightly concerned about it for one line in episode 8 before going back to being a piece of cardboard until episode 10.

And I'll be honest, the second that scene came out in episode 10, I immediately saw it for what it was, which was a very obvious patch job. The writers were clearly aware that they had not given the viewers any reason at all to care about Luke one way or another, so we weren't going to feel a lot when Vhagar (deservedly, imo) munches on him. So they hastily added in this really heavy-handed scene of poor uwu soft boy Lukey who is so concerned with doing right and needs to blink up tearfully at Mommy and be her sweet boy and get little kisses to assuage his worries, so that we'd feel some emotion and then be said when he becomes the Jonah to Vhagar's whale. It just doesn't work because there was nothing for him before then and therefore I don't care, I just feel bad Rhaenyra.

Luke is a bland and boring character. That's not an attack, that's just what the writers did. They tried to cram too much into a ten episode season, literally twenty years of history, and it caused a lot of characterization problems for a lot of characters, particularly for the Team Black ones. And a consequence of that is that the character with the least amount of time for development got not development and no personality. He's a plank of wood, he's a platonic version of the sexy lamp trope; there's nothing there and he exists only for us to feel bad when the lamp is smashed. Seriously, name me five individual character traits that Lucerys has. He's a momma's boy, even though I'm not really sure that's a character trait but I'll give it to him, and I guess he's devoid of empathy, considering that he doesn't appear to feel literally any remorse for mutilating Aemond (seriously, is it like the Dothraki and "thank you"? does the word "sorry" not exist in Valyrian languages? you can't even send an apology gift basket or a note?). But he's not brave, as there is no scene that shows any bravery or courage, and he's not noble or kind or thoughtful because there's nothing that shows any of that, or anything that shows him being the opposite, cruel or cowardly or weak, because he's a basically a character who could be played by sticking a wig on a mop and waving it around. And any characterization of insecurity exists as something hamfistedly crowbarred in at the last minute in his final episode to try to manipulate the audience's emotions with less sensitivity than D&D trying to tug at our heartstrings by having Drogon try to nudge Dany awake after she's killed.

But there is a character that I do consider to be a brave little boy, though I regret to inform y'all that it is Not a fourteen year old with no depth or personality or written characterization whose main claim to fame is maiming a person without apology and then dying. Nah, the brave little boy title goes to post-Driftmark Aemond. Aemond, at ten, is delivered a life altering injury whose recovery was likely very slow and very painful, involved a lot of worry about whether he'd have to deal with infection or further risk of death, and had to relearn how to do literally everything now that he was half blind, and he did all of it. He survived, and he thrived. He relearned how to walk, how to balance, his spatial awareness. He learned how to fought and even became incredibly good at it, and maintained his bond with Vhagar, as well as trying to keep himself mentally sharp as well. He did all of that, despite the huge setback he was dealt with at age ten. That's brave, go Aemond.

[huffle-dork]

Glitch into the Hufflverse Chapter 16: Swapboys Bad End

Read Swapboys | Read Crystal’s AUs | Read One Villain falls Another One Rises

Read SITCV | Read SATCV | GITHV Masterpost

On the other side of the ring they’re in another destroyed part of town. This time it seems more like apartment buildings and a mix of businesses. Henny moves right along, Sahne following at his side.

Schneep walks along slowly, sweeping wide space with his cane in front of him, trying to sense anyone nearby.

Bro sees Alt and goes to walk beside him. “…you okay?”

Alt stays quiet, gripping his arms. “A…l-little better… I guess.”

“Hey let’s… try to look on the bright side! The doorway… if we can get it to work then… maybe it’ll take us back to JJ’s world so we can get another TRVLR! Or… maybe it’ll take us to Jackie’s world like the first time and we can find Anti… it’s gonna be okay, lil bro….”

JJ overhears Bro and Alt's conversation. He nods in agreement. I'm sure that anything will help. It's definitely going to be okay.

Jackie looks around at the buildings. "Wow... really... did a number on things, huh?" he mutters to himself.

“Yes… every day something new is destroyed…” Henny says quietly to Jackie. “I am glad I was able to get many people out before it got worse. Luckily it seems the Glitch is more interested in trying to find a way out of this universe than in making puppets like Magnificent. That could be the reason for his… insanity. We know Magnificent sustained himself by stealing magic or life from others… I do not think Glitch does the same.”

Alt nods a bit to JJ and listens quietly to Henny. His eyes dart around though- jumping at every glitchy sound and too dark shadow. 

"Really? Then I suppose this could be worse?" Schneep wonders.

"Doesn't mean it's not bad," Jackie mutters, tightening his grip on his staff. "Why is it that all of these powerful black magic guys eventually start looking for the multiverse?"

"Mine did not," Schneep says. "Our Anti was focused on us."

"Yeah, well, maybe if you gave him enough time he'd have turned his sights there."

“…selfishly I like to believe it is because… Alt is still somewhere in there… and he remembers what it was like to be under Magnificent’s power. And he does not want to inflict that on others… but it is… complicated. He still has his victims…“ Henny quietly explains.

Well... there's nothing to prove it's NOT that, JJ says. Even if he hurts others...

"Victims, huh?" Jackie mutters. "Um... I don't think... We might need, uh, information on what to watch out for. What do you think Al—the Glitch would do if he found us? Obviously he'd try to fucking... kidnap Bro or something, but what about the rest of us?"

"... I do not know..." Henny admits, " We managed to get Jackie and Jewel out of harm's way once... once Chase was..." He swallows shakily. "So I... I do not know how he will react to... people who share their faces."

Alt shudders at this, holding his arms. Bro tries to keep a positive vibe though, "M-Maybe that means he'll leave us alone?"

Jackie frowns. "...maybe." But he doesn't believe it. That other Alt already tried to glitch out the ground beneath him and Schneep.

"We should prepare for the worst just in case," Schneep says.

JJ shakes his head. I don't know if I could fight any version of Alt, though...

"Well, we'll see, won't we?" Jackie says. "You might surprise yourself."

JJ looks troubled. That's quite grim.

"S...sorry," Jackie mumbles. "I guess I'm not an optimistic person."

A glitchy laugh echoes around them before a voice giggles in Jackie's ear, "Well~ Isn't that perfect? Cuz optimism is dead here. I could use someone like you, Jackie~!"

Henny freezes and whips around, "No! Jackie!"

Glitch Alt laughs madly and tries to whip out green strings to capture Jackie. Jackie whirls around, swinging his staff, but he's not fast enough. The strings wrap around his torso, forcibly pinning his arms to his sides. "Fuck!"

Meanwhile- several big cat bodies slink out and try to tackle the others. Schneep and JJ start running for Jackie, focused on him—and therefore not noticing the cats. JJ yelps as one pins him to the ground, and Schneep cries out as the same happens to him. "Motherfucker!" He tries to leap out of its grip, and JJ struggles to push the cat who tackled him away with magic. Alt dodges the cat going after him in a quick glitch then hurries over to try to help JJ. Bro almost yells but thinks better of it and tries to stagger back. 

Glitch laughs and glitches up onto a building and lets Jackie dangle off the edge. The copy kicks his feet almost like a child excited by an insect he captured, that same mad gleeful expression on his face. And looking at his boots up this close…  those look very familiar. The same kind Bro wears- just dirty and faded by time. But before Jackie can dwell on that further- Glitch brings up the strings so he can look the trapped vigilante in the face. "Come on Jackie! We're f̷̪̓r̴͍̽i̴̪͆ḛ̶͒n̴̤̈́d̶͔͗s̷̖͌~ aren't we? No need to be scared of me~" He giggles.

Jackie yelps and kicks his legs wildly, trying to find purchase that doesn't exist. "Have you lost your fucking mind?!" he shouts. "You tell me not to be scared of you while you dangle me fucking a hundred feet off the ground?!"

"Well I know you can handle it-" Glitch says matter-of-factly, tilting his head with a grin. "And you know-a bit of danger means you'll probably listen to me more... you can tell me where Chase is, right?" 

"No, I can't actually," Jackie says through gritted teeth. "I haven't seen him in a while. We knew we had to hide him from you."

“Hmm I’m not sure I believe you,” Glitch hums in amusement. He rocks Jackie back and forth with a giggle. “But if that’s what you wanna tell me maybe I’ll just use you to help me look instead!” His eyes start to swirl as he laughs, “Cmon Jackie… don’t you wanna help your old pal, A̸͚̓ļ̴̈́ţ̸͝?” 

JJ quickly grabs onto Alt as he gets close, still trying to struggle against the cat, but the cat just growls and pushes him further into the ground. Schneep yelps as the claws of the cat dig into his shoulder, breaking his concentration. "Where did he go?! Where did he take Jackie?!" He can't sense his soul nearby! Gritting his teeth, he pulls out his scissors and slashes at the cat.

Schneep manages to slash the cat off as it roars in pain and lets him go. Alt yells and tries to shoot lightning magic to get the cat off JJ. Bro looks conflicted up towards where Glitch has Jackie.

"Do not even think about it Chase!" Henny warns.

"But he needs help!" Bro tries to argue.

"Yes- but Glitch wants you!" Henny yells and then whips around and freezes two of the cats in time, holding out his hand.

Schneep leaps out of the way of the cat as soon as he's free. JJ scrambles away and staggers to his feet. "Seriously, where is Jackie?!" Schneep asks.

JJ looks up. On top of a building!

"Which one?! Point me in that direction."

JJ runs over to him and physically turns him towards the building in question, moving his head so he'd be looking at Glitch and Jackie if he could see.

"A bit forceful, but thank you!" Schneep says. "Let's go! Alt, grab Henrik!" Schneep latches onto JJ and leaps out of sight, heading towards the roof.

Alt startles and then nods and grabs Henny. He looks back towards Bro and narrows his eyes, “Stay here! We’ll be back.” Bro tries to open his mouth to protest but then Alt glitches away with Henny.

Schneep and JJ appear on top of the roof, on the opposite side where Glitch is dangling Jackie. JJ shudders, holding back the nausea of Schneep's teleportation, and looks at the two of them. He gasps and starts rushing forward, but Schneep grabs him and whispers, "Be subtle. He might drop Jackie."

Right. JJ nods and the two of them go forward as quickly and quietly as possible. They just need to get within range of JJ's long-range spells!

Alt appears with Henny next to the others. Henny pulls out his watch, watching the two of them cautiously. Alt feels himself wanting to glitch angrily but tries to hold back.

Jackie glances down at the air beneath his feet and tries to hide his fear. Then he looks up at Glitch—only to see his eyes swirling. He quickly tries to look away. "You're not my 'old pal.' Some version of you might be, but we have no history."

Glitch frowns and tilts his head at Jackie. “Damn… don’t have loyalty to anyone huh? No wonder you lost your Schneep.” 

Jackie stiffens, going a bit pale. "Y-you—you don't know anything! I-it's not—I tried to go back for him, they tried to get him out, they have a tight hold on his—on his fucking mind! W-we—we'll need to—you shut the fuck up! H-how do you even know about that?!"

"Cuz I was there," Glitch says matter-of-factly, grinning sinisterly, "I was the same Alt that went on adventures with all of you~! I know a lot more than you think, Jackie Parker..." He tilts his head to try to catch his attention again, eyes glowing and swirling even more, "Which is why you should be able to trust me~!" 

As they walk forward, Schneep hits the end of his cane against a metal vent of some kind, making a small ding! sound. He winces. Alt glitches a bit in surprise and Glitch's gaze flickers for just a second to notice the others. He twitches his head and a glitchy shield appears in front of Glitch and Jackie- cutting the others off. Alt tries to glitch through it and gets blown back, skidding across the roof with a cry of pain.

JJ rushes forward, throwing magic at the shield, trying to break it down. Schneep also leaps the rest of the way forward and slashes his scissors across the shield to cut them. Schneep’s scissors manage to break through, making a rip in the shield.

Jackie's stomach sinks as he stares at Glitch in horror. Then he quickly looks down again as his eyes start to swirl. "No, you're not him," he says quietly. "Maybe you were him once, but it's clear that something happened to change you. I don't even recognize you. You're not my friend anymore."

Glitch’s face falls and then flares with anger. “F̶̣̓i̵̳͛n̸̠̉e̵̥͌,” he snarls and opens up his hand- letting Jackie fall.

“NO!” Alt cries out.

Jackie screams as he falls, wind rushing past him.

"Jackie!" Schneep shouts.

JJ throws his hand out, blue magic shooting out. It forms into the shape of a big hand and grabs Jackie before he can get too far. JJ's arm trembles with the effort of the spell—he put as much power as possible in this to be sure that he got him, maybe too much. But it works, as he manages to pull him back onto the roof. Jackie breathes heavily, visibly shaking.

Bro screams at seeing Jackie fall, ready to get up and fly towards him. He quiets once he sees JJ manage to save him… but if Glitch is throwing his friends off buildings- he can’t just sit here! He flies up, trying to stay away but being close by. Sahne, who was left on the ground, barks after him in distress. 

Schneep hurries over. He feels the strings that Glitch wrapped Jackie up in and starts cutting through them.

Glitch glitches to his feet and growls in anger. “Hey! Let me play with my toys how I please!”

“Fuck that!” Alt snarls, glitching so he’s in between Glitch, Jackie and Schneep.

Glitch stands taller and narrows his eyes, “hmm… okay. I guess I can play with all of you too.” He glances at JJ then glitches to try to grab him. JJ gasps and barely manages to dodge, Glitch's hands an inch from him.

"We are not your fucking toys!" Schneep snarls, and throws his scissors past Alt and towards Glitch as Jackie shakes off the rest of the strings. JJ conjures a shield around Schneep and Jackie, leaving himself, Alt, and Henny exposed.

Glitch yells as he’s struck and then growls and glitches to try to grab Schneep but gets stopped by the shield. He glitches back, giggling unstably. “That’s some pretty strong magic there J…. Let me have a taste-!” he lashes out to grab JJ again.

Henny tries to whip out his hand to stop him but Glitch dodges it easily.

JJ yelps as Glitch grabs him and squirms against his grip. Glitch laughs and digs claws into JJ’s arm, trying to drain some of his magic… just like Magnificent.

"Jamie!" Schneep gasps, and leaps out from the bubble shield, pulling out another pair of scissors and going to stab Glitch.

He easily dodged Schneep’s scissors and laughs wildly. “Gonna have to try harder than that Schneep!”

Alt hesitates and then tries to see if he can glitch over and grab JJ.

JJ gasps in horror. He recognizes the feeling of his magic being pulled away from him and squirms in discomfort. As his magic is drained, the shield around Jackie flickers and dies. Jackie gets to his feet shakily. He dropped his staff earlier but he has to do something! He jumps at the Glitch, planning to tackle him.

Glitch easily skirts his way out of Alt’s path- but ends up being barreled into by Jackie, getting tackled away from JJ. JJ staggers backwards, away from the Glitch, staring in shock. Schneep rushes to his side and helps support him as he sways tiredly. 

Glitch laughs wildly though, grabbing onto Jackie’s face and spiraling his eyes to try to capture his gaze again. “Hehehe! I wanna see you fight, Jackie! I wanna see alll the damage you won’t let yourself do! Show me!”

Jackie is expecting Glitch to fight back, not try more hypnotism. He tries to jerk back from his grip, but he looks into Glitch's eyes at just the wrong time. He stops, slumping, as the spirals draw him in. "You... want... to see that?"

"Jackie, no!" Schneep gasps. "Don't listen to him!" JJ tries to grab Jackie with magic again but his power flickers and fails.

“Yes! Yes!” Glitch giggles, grinning sharply. “Show me how brutal you can beee~! Then all of you can help me find Chase! It’ll be so fun!”

Bro eeps slightly and goes to hide at the edge of the building- trying to stay close in case they need help.

“No!” Alt calls, pushing himself up, “Jackie! Wake up!”

Henny yells out in anger and tries to grab Glitch in his magic but Glitch twitches his head and Henny’s magic gets sent back at him and sends him skidding back, trapped in his own magic.

Glitch lets go and helps Jackie up. “Go on Jackie~ give us a good show!”

Jackie gets to his feet, staring at the others with spirals in his eyes. He bends over and grabs the scissors that Schneep had thrown and missed, then rushes forward, bringing the scissors down towards Schneep. He cries out as his own scissors pierce his shoulder and leaps back. Jackie keeps hold of the weapon and whirls on JJ instead. JJ's eyes widen and he runs, not wanting to face Jackie. But Jackie chases after him.

"You bastard!" Schneep hisses, whirling on Glitch. He leaps forward, grabbing him.

Glitch laughs wildly and lets Schneep grab him. He studies him then frowns. “Aw you’re no fun- I can’t hypnotize you… fine-“ He grabs onto Schneep’s arm and lets sparks crackle across his jacket sleeve but not letting it shock him yet. “Will you tell me where Chase is?”

Schneep feels the electricity crawling across his arm. His eyes widen but he grits his teeth and glares. "You cannot torture me into giving you information! I've lived through enough pain already!" Then he tries to wrest his arms free.

“Wrong answer, Henrik.” Glitch cackles as he shocks Schneep heavily. 

Alt panics slightly at seeing Jackie get caught. He glitches over to try to tackle him away from JJ. Jackie yelps as Alt tackles him. He immediately twists around to stab him in the back with the scissors. Alt grabs Jackie’s hand to stop him and bares his teeth, “Jackie! C’mon! Cut it out!” He tries his best to keep Jackie down.

Jackie snarls, glaring at Alt with those spiral eyes. He does everything he can to fight against Alt, kicking and writhing and trying to headbutt him. Jackie manages to head butt Alt hard enough that he sees stars, crying out as he lets go of Jackie. He doesn't hesitate. As soon as he's free he tries to stab Alt again.

Schneep cries out, collapsing to the ground as pain wracks his body. JJ's head snaps towards him and he throws a ball of icy magic at Glitch.

Glitch manages to dodge JJ’s magic with a giggle then glitches over to try to grab JJ too, eyes spiraling again. “You need an upgrade on your magic, J~! Let me help you!” JJ shuts his eyes immediately. He pulls an arm free and presses a hand to Glitch's chest, trying to freeze him in place. Glitch grabs his hand and snarls, “Nice try-“ He tries to shock him too. 

JJ's eyes widen and he screams hoarsely. The sound snaps Schneep out of the trance he was in after being shocked himself. He leaps over and attacks Glitch from behind with yet another pair of scissors. Glitch senses Schneep coming behind him and throws JJ at Schneep with a wild laugh. “Too slow!” 

Schneep stumbles and he and JJ fall to the ground as JJ gets thrown into him. JJ scrambles up first and aims another magic blast at Glitch. Glitch grins and does the same trick he did with Henny, forcing JJ’s spell to backfire and blast into himself. JJ cries out, skidding back against the roof. He pounds against the bubble that's now formed around him, trying to break free. But while Glitch is distracted, Schneep leaps forward and tries to slash at him.

Glitch glitches away and giggles, “You guys are really bad at this! It’s almost fun to watch! But we don’t have to dooo this, you know! Just let me know where Chase is!” 

"Fuck off!" Schneep snaps. "Nothing about you tells me he will be safe with you!" He attacks again.

Bro notices that Henny is still struggling to get out of his magic and carefully tries to fly over, seeing if he can help. 

Alt tries to dodge Jackie but gets stabbed in the shoulder. He yells out then tries to blast Jackie back with his magic. Jackie gets pushed back but leaps forward immediately, making to stab again. Alt gasps and grabs Jackie’s wrist again, trying to keep him from stabbing him before trying to punch him in the face. Jackie's head snaps back, and for a moment the spirals in his eyes flicker as he gasps in pain. Then they return in full force and he tries to punch Alt right back in turn. Alt’s eyes widen a bit- then narrow in determination. He dodges the punch then tries to grab Jackie’s arm to shock him.

Jackie cries out, his body shuddering as the electricity jolts through his body. The spirals in his eyes disappear. "H-holy shit, Alt!" he gasps out. "I—" He shakes his head. "Th-the magic—h-hypnosis—it's trying to come back—"

Alt looks apologetic but he grabs Jackie’s shoulders and shakes him, “Fight it, Jackie! I know you can!”

"I... I-I..." Jackie's eyelids flutter. The magic in his head is trying to sink in again, telling him to listen to the Glitch, to do as he said--And then, suddenly, there's a SNAP in his mind. He cries out and suddenly, the magic is completely gone. "Wha—what the—?" He presses a hand to his head. "What was that?" He takes a deep breath and gets to his feet. "I-I'm good. I'm good! We—we have to help Schneep!"

Alt seems to relax at getting Jackie back and he nods. “JJ too… then maybe we can get out of here-!”

Glitch gets slashed and he bares his teeth at him but tries to laugh, “c’mon Schneep~! He’s my brother! You’re not gonna keep me from my own family are you~?” He tries to slash claws at Schneep.

Bro shudders at this and then gets up on the roof to try to see if he can untie Henny. …how do you untie magic??

Henny stiffens and looks back with a sinking stomach. “C-Chase? What are you doing??” He whispers. “You were not supposed to come up here!”

“You need help! I can’t just sit around!” Bro hisses.

“I am fine! You will not be!!”

JJ notices the strange distortion in the air by Henny. His eyes widen. Get out of here! he signs.

Bro hesitates- then scrambles to try to pull Henny free.

“Chase!” Henny hisses quietly, “You must go now!”

Schneep leaps out of the way. "He is not your brother!" He snarls. "He is our Alt's brother! Just because you are similar does not mean that you are entitled to his life!"

"Schneep!" Jackie shouts. "My staff!"

Hearing this, Schneep reaches out and grabs Jackie's staff, tossing it back in Jackie's direction. Jackie grabs it, extending it to its full length, and lunges forward. Schneep does too, both of them attacking Glitch at the same time.

Glitch growls and starts to spark dangerously with purple lightning. Alt notices this and tries to warn the others- but then Glitch sends out a shockwave of electricity, sending all 3 of them off their feet and skidding back. 

JJ's eyes widen at the lightning and Chase's refusal to leave. He takes a deep breath. What did that Marvin in the last world say? Remember who you're fighting for? He's fighting for not just the ability to get home and see all his friends, but also to protect the friends he's made here—-his friends who are now in danger. His eyes start to glow, the blue entirely consuming it. He slams his hands against the bubble—

And it shatters like glass.

JJ lunges for Glitch, closing the distance remarkably quickly, and grabs him. Magic swirls around him, trailing, a blizzard, extending from his back—in a way that almost resembles wings. The magic around him swirls around Glitch as well, the temperature noticeably lowering as he tries, again, to freeze him.

Alt gapes at seeing JJ break from his magic and then form- wings?? Just like his own lightning bird form! He laughs breathlessly then calls out, “Yeahh JJ!! Kick his ass!!”

Glitch jolts back- not expecting this and is completely caught off guard. His whole body gets encased in ice except for his head and Glitch tries his best to struggle and pull himself out, “W-what the fuck?! Since when could you do something like that?!” He snarls.

JJ backs away, looking down at himself, surprised. This feels familiar... but he can't remember ever doing anything like this before. He looks around at the others. We're getting out of here! he says. He dashes over to Jackie, Schneep, and Alt, making contact with all of them. There's a puff of blue smoke and all of them reappear near Henny—and the invisible Bro. Another puff of smoke surrounds them all, and they are gone—

Reappearing back on the street, right by Sahne who was left behind.

Sahne barks in surprise and Henny finally manages to break out of his own magic. He looks at JJ with awe, “Jamie… that was incredible!”

“Yeah!! Way to go man!!” Bro exclaims happily. Henny takes a second to find where Bro is then hits him. “Ow!! Hen!?”

“That was incredibly stupid Chase! You are so lucky you were not caught!” Henny scolds.

Alt nervously watches the building they left Glitch on. “We should hurry- who knows how long that will hold… how much farther, Hen?”

“Yes… not too much farther. Come-“ Henny says and starts to hurry back down the street.

I'm not sure how I did that... JJ says slowly, and the magic around his splutters out. He falls to his knees, and Jackie and Schneep rush to his side. He waves them off and stands up again. Not sure I can do that again, though. At least not easily.

"That's fine," Jackie says. "Do you need any help?"

JJ shakes his head. He starts to stumble, and Schneep reaches out to help him. JJ insists.

"Yes, but you may not be able to run," Schneep says. "So let us help you."

JJ hesitates, then nods. He leans on Jackie and the three of them rush after Henny.

Alt slows down to look at JJ with worry,  “You okay dude? …it’s crazy huh? Suddenly using power like that-“ 

Henny notices JJ’s struggle and slows down too, but keeps an eye out for anything coming their way.

JJ nods. I'm fine. It's strange, but that felt... familiar somehow. But I know I've never done anything like that.

"Maybe you have, but you forgot?" Schneep asks. "Is that possible?"

For a moment, JJ just frowns thoughtfully. Maybe... I'm not sure, though. I'll have to do some research once I get home.

Alt nods, “Yeah… I get that. I hardly remember the first time I did something like that. Chase said it was kinda freaky though.”

“Yeah! You damn near gave all of us a heart attack!” Bro grumbles.

JJ chuckles, but then pauses thoughtfully. After... after me and my friends escaped IRIS, I was very exhausted. Most of the escape is a blur to me. Perhaps... then...?

"You think you did something like that back then?" Jackie asks.

Maybe...

“Damn right.. you mentioned that… that makes sense though. I think that kinda power can be brought up through… desperation more often than not? I’m still learning how mine works too..” Alt says.

I was thinking a lot about saving the rest of you, JJ says.

"Daww," Jackie grins.

JJ laughs slightly. And getting home to see my friends again, of course.

"Hmm... you know, in my world, my Jamie was able to gain magic," Schneep says. "What did you say he might be, Jamie?"

A warlock, JJ says. That is indeed someone who gains magic through desperation. Though they also need to be exposed to a lot of magic beforehand.

"So perhaps desperation plays a part in many types of magic."

Alt smiles warmly. “Yeah… I think my J would say… it deals with just how much power the mind and body have that we don’t even know about… even if he doesn’t get magic I think that principle is there.”

“Very true! We often don’t know what we’re really capable of until we’re pushed to a certain point.” Bro adds.

Jackie nods slowly. "Though... I'm not sure how much I like the idea that desperation is a sort of power."

It's not the desperation itself, I think, JJ says. It is the desperation FOR something, wanting to do something so much that you break through your limits.

“Kinda Like… determination! In Undertale!” Bro grins.

Alt laughs, “It does kinda feel like that, huh?”

Schneep hums the game over theme, Determination, a bit.

Jackie laughs. "You a fan of that game? In my world, it came out on your birthday."

"Oh yes, it did in my world, too." Schneep grins. "Jack insisted that I play it for that reason, even though I am not a game player usually."

“It’s such a good game!! Shame it got meme’d to death- me and the lads all love it!” Bro laughs.

"Ah, lots of good games get meme'd to death," Jackie says. "Doesn't make them less good."

Alt chuckles, “It has a good message… I guess its mechanics can be applied to magic! Who knew?”

"Who knew?" Schneep repeats. "I suppose it shows how great stories hit at the heart of life."

How deep of you, JJ says, smiling.

Alt and Bro laugh. “So true!” Bro grins.

Henny slows completely in front of them. Sahne’s fur bristles as they stand in front of a large building with the name of Hope Water hospital barely visible through the destroyed concrete and rubble. “We’re here.”

Jackie stops walking. "Wow... this place really has gone to shit, hasn't it?" he mutters. "Destroyed hospital. Real apocalyptic."

Hope Water Hospital... JJ repeats. There's a SCLERA thing here?

“Yes… SCLERA had a habit of using hospitals as fronts for their underground operations. Real sneaky shady way of getting subjects for their experiments…” Henny says darkly.

Alt shudders, looking at the familiar logo.

“Come,” Henny says as he starts to make his way through the rubble, searching for a way down.

"That would explain everything that happened in the first world," Schneep mutters.

"They disgust me," Jackie says darkly. "If the IRIS in my world is anything like this, no wonder my Anti hates them so much." He sighs. "Anyway. We're gonna have to sift through this rubble, Schneep."

"Oh joy," Schneep says drily.

Can you just glitch down there? JJ asks.

"I can try—but I don't want to risk it if there is this much rubble."

"Old-fashioned way, then," Jackie says, and the three of them start looking through the destroyed area.

Alt looks around, “…this is the same SCLERA we’ve been to… I… I think I can glitch us down to the right room.” He suppresses another shudder. “I remember it very clearly.”

Bro laughs, his invisible form a bit higher than the others as he hovers. “Good idea then Alt- I was starting to feel bad for everyone!”

Alt rolls his eyes.

Henny looks back and then smiles, “Ah yes I almost forgot Alt… I am so used to uh… dealing without your glitching. We link up, yes?”

Alt nods.

"Right, yeah." Jackie backs away and grabs onto Schneep and JJ. Then JJ walks over and holds out a hand for Alt to take.

Alt grabs JJ’s hand and Bro floats down and grabs Henny and Sahne. Henny laughs, “it is very strange to be grabbed by something you cannot see.”

“Oh right- sorry!” Bro chuckles.

Alt glitches them all down.

[nerves-nebula]

Nigerian living in Nigeria here and I really really don't think you should come over. We are currently in a very very anti trans and anti lgbtq period. If anybody were to find out you were trans you'll be super unsafe. I know this advice is unsolicited and you didn't particularly say you were coming here but as a queer trans person who's unable to transition and is currently stuck in this country, I feel increasingly unsafe and things are getting worse.

If you were to come, you probably would have to make sure you pass as a woman really really well and have backup plans to leave the country quick if you were found out.

I've noticed ppl have started to pay more attention to how I dress and noticing me binding my chest and dressing masculine, no one paid that much attention to that a few years ago but now ppl can't seem to shut the fuck up about it

We have a thriving queer community here, we are small yes but we know how to find each other. The problem is they are no laws to protect us and the average person thinks we are devil worshippers. Ppl who get caught by the police have to bribe their way out of prison and it isn't even the police you have to worry about, it's the ppl around you.

The beard thing can be passed of as genetics if it isn't a full one, we have a lot of women with facial hair, but if you give of any hint that you aren't cis you'll be in trouble.

And it also depends on the area you would be visiting too. Gated communities tend to mind their business and it easier to be a moderately rich queer person than a poor one. The rich can choose where they can go and who they can interact with while poorer queer ppl have to interact with ppl who are more likely to hurt them

If you're sure you can pass as a cis woman then come if you can't and you don't have any support systems that would protect your best interest in the country then I advice you stay in America. Nigerians barely ever protest(at least ppl outside unions) yet average ppl were protesting the legalisation of gay ppl just this year

The climate here is complicated, we have very popular trans and queer influencers that have millions of followers but it isn't that hard to find a video of a transwoman getting beat up. If you're rich with parents that'll turn the other way you're must likely good if not sorry for you 🤷🏿

If you do think you'll be able to manage I don't mind helping in any way I can

thanks for giving me the general vibe, it's definitely something i was wondering about so i genuinely appreciate it. i think i can still pass for a woman (one with a slightly deep voice but tbh it's no that deep. I've still got breasts and everything so at most they'll think I'm like. a masculine looking cis woman, idk)

I dont have like a full BEARD beard i think i'd have to shave what i do have cuz my sister, who has already visited with my dad, says i prolly got too much facial hair to pass it off as genetics.

the issue i'm worried about is my dad telling people i'm trans. i don't even know if he knows that i'm transgender or what, but he knows i'm on testosterone.

I wouldn't come over if I didn't think I was safe. and that's the issue that i'm grappling with cuz I'm not entirely sure what my dad will say/do. i don't think he'll beat me or anything since he hasn't done that with his other, way more volatile and argumentative children. that's like, not a fear i have about him. but i'm not sure if he'll tell the people around us about me or endanger me in some way.

my inclination is to say no, but he and my mom have done equally awful stuff when i thought "surely they wouldn't do that" so I'm not sure. I don't think my dad is rich, but i don't know exactly. he has a lot of connections and has worked in the government and when my oldest sister visited, she said he had armed guards that escorted them everywhere. so that's probably a good sign? but that was a few years ago.

i wouldn't go by my real name or pronouns there, that's for damn sure, but I'm worried I'd forget the little things about me that show I'm trans. for example, my favorite jacket has a trans flag painted on it and my backpack has a pronoun pin. those are easy to side step obviously, just remove the pin and don't bring the jacket- but I'm worried about little things like that slipping through the cracks because i'm not used to hiding them.

[meeeeeeese]

My thoughts on why Lonely Tower is realllllly poorly designed

so as those of you who do fractals may know, the Eparch fight in the new fractal is a special kind of hell and (in my opinion) an objectively poorly designed fight.

So the fight revolves around the management of globs of emotion that empower you on pickup but also empower Eparch if he gets his meaty hands on them. None of them are good if you allow him to nab em, but Envy in particular is far, far too gruesome, with even a single stack giving Eparch the potential to corrupt your entire boon bar. What makes an already annoying mechanic even worse is the highly variable amount of time until Eparch gets the buff. He sucks in all droplets of emotion when he activates his cc phase, which he can do seconds after he last lobbed emotion globs leaving you little opportunity to respond.

But beyond the flawed emotion globule mechanic, the boss's mechanics are designed to make you run around like a headless chicken with little chance to dps. his arrow attack is wide enough that you can't stand in melee to avoid it (seriously those arrows do not accurately show the danger area), his spin attack is full anti-melee requiring you to fully turn around and run if you don't want to be hit, the player-centered spikes force you to run around to avoid them. And of course, the ever-present emotion globules require you to take off across the area on a moments notice because if Eparch gets even one of the wrong globule its game over.

Like really, did they really need to make so many of the attacks require running away on top of all the globule vacuuming you need to do? It makes the fight drag on so damn much because people are so busy staying alive they can't dps to their full potential.

So how do I think they should change it? (and for the record here I'm just talking normal mode, haven't done the CM and don't particularly care to)

1: Firstly they've gotta change the way envy works. Right now it triggers from all of Eparch's hits, so if you step on a fissure for even a moment, oops your boon bar's now a wall of conditions. I'd change it so it only affects direct hits and not the passive ground aoe attacks. It'd still be bad but not fight ending if he gets even one envy orb.

2: Make the globules fly to Eparch after a certain amount of time, not when he activates CC mode, it'd be a lot more consistent and they could put an indicator so people know for sure how long they have.

3: Either a) make Eparch's empowerments expire after a while or b) make completing the CC remove more emotions from him. Right now I still don't know for sure how many stacks it's supposed to remove but I do know that right now it's not enough

4: Rework his suck'n'spin attack. Pulling the party in when they only have seconds to get precious emotion globs is just cruel and needs to go. Is it really too much to want a simple spin in place attack?

5: Maybe make an alternate way to cleanse Eparch emotions? The early sections of the fractal are based on 'astral purifiers' so maybe scatter them around the edge of the arena that strip Eparch of emotions on use. That way if the stacks get too much the party has a way to sacrifice time and dps to for sure get rid of them.

I do really hope they aren't planning on leaving the fractal the way it is, cuz right now it soooo does not jive with the chill experience a lot of the other fractals are.

[ruminate88]

After I got away from Andrew and got married, I found it beyond difficult not to have intrusive or sexual thoughts about him. It made NO sense at the time. I was trying to hold it in and act natural with my new husband like, honeymoon is over. I’ve blocked Andrew’s number. I’m not even googling Andrew and yet he’s alllllll I freakin think about and when I try to focus on my husband and build this relationship with him, it’s nothing but Andrew on the brain. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Quickly I’m disconnected and think it’s my husband. I think he’s pushed me away but he accuses me of pushing HIM away. 🧐 Oh wow. I knew my husband had to threaten Andrew to leave me alone and he said Andrew looked like he was about to cry 😳😳 what does that even mean?? Why would Andrew cry??? After a summer of gaslighting me and hurting me beyond words. Consistently breaking my heart…. Why should HE cry? I was the one crying and shaking so hard he totally crushed me to pieces 💔💔

NOW it’s covid and when Florida stayed open, a lot of us took a trip there. I’m in this condo on the beach with my husband, some family and friends, and I’m getting dressed for dinner and as I’m looking in the mirror, fixing my hair, that was the first time my eyes opened and I saw that I was getting bald in one spot!’ HOW did I not see it before? I’ve looked back at older pictures. I was already going bald before Covid but my hair lady said Covid was stressing everybody out and making people lose hair, but I believe I was already losing hair because stress over Andrew and Cody.

I ran to my husband though and yelled out “ I’m losing hair!!!! Oh my gosh am I sick? Something wrong with me?” The whole time feeling disconnected and I can’t stop fantasizing about Andrew in the back of my head and I just can’t make sense of anything in my life. I’m trying to move on and be a good wife and I’m just frustrated because my husband is there and I can’t even hardly feel him or connect with him the way that I want to…. like, I’m I’m literally forcing it so hard ….

my husband also took me on my dream vacation because we saved so much money during Covid getting those two checks in the mail from the government and it was my dream vacation 😮😮😮 so I should’ve been the happiest person in the world and I wanted to be so badly and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to love and enjoy my husband but still, I feel very disconnected and I feel like he is not letting me connect to him, but it’s not him. He’s literally taking me on my fave vacation. He spent his hard-working money to give me that and I tried to be so grateful and I tried to make it a fun time , but deep inside of me I’m feeling so bad I can’t explain why !!! 😳😩

The first video I ever saw about emotional abuse, wow, I was able to ruminate and I was able to recall everything that happened with Andrew that I guess I was trying to ignore or I just couldn’t remember it. I don’t know still some things that I can’t remember conversations I had are still fuzzy cuz they were hurtful conversations!!! times when I’m begging him to pay me attention and he’s promising me that he wants to be with me but he’s just “busy with school” he keeps abandoning me, ignoring me, I so feel bad and he’s making me feel stressed out because he says that he’s so stressed out with school …. And some how he takes it out on me. “I’m not helping”. He keeps saying I’m making it all worse when I all I wanted was to love him so much….

The more that I learn about emotional abuse, the more it hurts my feelings and upsets me. And I think that’s why I feel so “indifferent“ these days. I mean, can’t change the past, I forgive my exes. I don’t want anything from them and I don’t want them to pay or owe me anything but they still keep hurting my feelings just thinking about them constantly and I just don’t understand it but I know it happens to people. I know that it’s life, trauma and I feel awful for them, but I feel awful for myself too. I’m trying NOT to beat myself up, but I always do. I always feel guilty when I talk about them because it makes me feel like I’m not getting over them or giving them grace , I want a peaceful life and I feel like my life is way more calm than it ever was but also feeling indifferent. Makes me feel like eh, just wanna sit here and chill and be left alone. No one bother me please please just no one bother me. I don’t wanna upset anyone else.

I can’t get comfortable enough to talk to my husband about everything going on inside of me, but I don’t want him to be upset or stressed. I just want him to calm down and just let it be!!!! he stresses over our money and that makes me feel bad because it makes me think of how Andrew was so stressed and nothing I did or said made him happy or made him wanna treat me good OR make him love me back. Andrew was always going to hurt me and abuse me, no matter what! that’s why I had to block his number without even knowing it was abuse back then, I knew that he was mistreating me. And I am beyond an apology from him now, I’m not expecting him to come and apologize… I wouldn’t even believe it if he did, I don’t know how to make it all better. I know it’s all over and in the past and I know by keeping Andrew‘s number blocked that he can’t continue to bother me so much, but he still does bother me in the back of my mind because I always think of his face and I wanna see his face so bad in real life. The moment I walk out of my house, I’m searching for him and I don’t know why because I don’t have anything to say to his face without falling apart! 🫣🫣❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

IF Andrew was standing before me right now. I would be a total mess and I would probably fall on my face and just sob…. I don’t hate him but I know he can never love me back so I feel like loving him IS for nothing and that sucks.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Well.....the time is now! It's time for Eurovision season to start on my blog! Y-yeah, I've been...VERY busy, to be blunt, but this is one thing that can take me away from that for a while....and even then, it was a struggle to find the time. XD

So.....a-about what I said about this being different than usual....uh....

Usually, this is when I'd listen to all the songs for the first time, all at once, and I'd do this thing where I'd type out my reactions as I'm listening to them. My First Impressions series. It's a thing I have fun with, but is REALLY time-consuming due to listening to all the songs in a row....but....

I-I can't do that this year.

And it's cuz.....I.....I already listened to them this time.

L-lemme explain! So....last year, after the 2023 season ended, I was VERY far deep into post-season depression, like...it was worse that it usually was. I was still thinking about Eurovision WEEKS later. I was having a hard time moving on. So....wh-what'd I do? I....found myself watching videos by reactors on YouTube (which was also something I started doing during the week of the contest), and....I-I found myself a fan of a couple of those people, so...I followed them. One guy in particular does analysis videos that I really like, and watch a lot. He helped keep me satiated on Eurovision during the off-season....

...and then the season began. And...he did reaction videos to the songs....and....y'know where this is going, right?

I was weak. I couldn't stop myself. For the first time ever, I listened to the songs as they were released, completely RUINING my tradition of only listening to them once they were all out. For a bit, I-I was planning on keeping this a secret, and, like....trying to pretend I'm listening for the first time? Faking it, and thinking it'd be convincing if I acted like I did WHEN I listened for the first time? But....in the end, that just didn't sound fun. It sounded like work. I didn't wanna lie about this kinda thing.

It felt like it wouldn't be too bad at the time, but....looking back, I should've stayed away. I LIKE doing my first impressions series! I like documenting those, so I can look back at them later and see how my opinions had changed! I like calling out "potential growers" and seeing if I'm right! I like having proof of major Love At First Listen moments and just getting to express my joy as it's happening! I like saying whatever comes to my mind when listening to a song for the first time!

And I just...can't do that this year. Cuz I was weak, and couldn't stay away from a YouTuber's content. Ugh....

So....yeah, that's why things are different this year. I already know the songs. I already know what each song is ABOUT, for that matter, and I already know things about the artists (so, yeah, I know that the Swiss and Irish artists are non-binary, so I won't be misgendering either of them, thankfully). And I already know about the reception each one's gotten, and about the betting odds (so I know that Croatia, Switzerland, and Italy are the hot favorites to win, altho let's be honest, when is Italy NOT, pffff). I've been keeping up with ALL OF THIS while keeping it hidden for months.

The only things I can say to my credit are that I didn't overlisten to many of the songs, so there are a few I've been sitting on so they wouldn't get old, and also, there's one song I haven't listened to, due to having no interest in doing so at the moment. So, this post will only be talking about 36 of the 37 songs.

So....instead of first impressions, this is my current thoughts on each song. They're gonna be pretty abridged though, not just to make it quick, but cuz I wanna save any detailed thoughts for my final ranking post. And cuz they're short, I'm fitting them ALL in this post, rather than doing five at a time like usual.

I PROMISE that I'll have a better control of myself, and things'll be back to normal next year.

So...yeah, I AM in a position to say that I love this year's lineup. This has the potential to be one of my favorite Eurovisions. Heck, if the right song wins, maybe my ABSOLUTE favorite, finally dethroning 2016. We'll have to wait and see~

Final thing before I dive in: Cuz I've been trying not to overlisten, I still don't have a concrete top 7. I DO know my top 4, but the last spots are still being fought over. So...not everything's set in stone yet. XD

So.....here goes! Eurovision 2024 abridged thoughts!

Cyprus

-Energetic BANGER with a great chorus! -Great dance break potential. Staging could be fun -Was originally one of my favorites, but it's been shoved down. Could still be a candidate for 6th or 7th -A lot of people seem to think this song's too generic, so this is just a me thing -I will concede that it's pretty standard for Cyprus, but I still really like it -Except the rhyming of "Ooh-la-la" with "Truth, la-la" XD -She's 17, BTW. The song is a great opener, but her? Hope she doesn't get nervous... Better than last year? Yup!

Serbia

-I love the lyrics to this song, but since I gotta keep it short, I can't talk about them right now -The token "atmospheric" song this year -Serbia keeping on their trend of sending interesting songs, but since this one's a ballad, it's a different breed of interesting -Has a VERY dedicated fanbase, so qualification shouldn't be an issue -Me personally? I think it's good, but nothing for me to really get EXCITED over. My favorite ballads this year will come later -Pretty vocals Better than last year? Gonna say no, sorry. XD

Lithuania

-My number 3!! -LUKTELK LUKTELK -OH be still my electro-loving heart -New favorite Lithuanian entry of all time -Nothing really to say, I just LOVE how this sounds! -The "DUN DUNS" in the pre-chorus? Catchy as heck -THE BREAK IS BEAUTIFUL -I feel cooler listening to this, but I know I'm not, pfffff Better than last year? Yessssssss!

Ireland

-Grower -I respect it more than I like it, but I came around to liking it anyway -I like the soft parts more than the hard parts, but the contrast is great -Staging has the potential to be a TREAT -Here's hoping they can get Ireland to the final, cuz I REALLY want a risk like this, by a country that normally never takes risks, to be rewarded Better than last year? Oooooooh yes! (Don't get me wrong, there ARE "no"s later, trust me XD)

Ukraine

-Catchy in a different way -Candidate for my 6th/7th along with Cyprus -To put it bluntly, this song starts VERY strongly and then kinda ends with a whimper -I LOVE the beginning of this song. It gave me goosebumps on first listen (specifically that first big note) -The rap is pretty good too -I really really like this song, I think it's gorgeous, I just wish it burst more at the end! -Please stop making songs about Mother Teresa Better than last year? Another yes Poland

-Pretty dang solid -I haven't listened to this one a lot, but I really should now! It's better than I remember -No one else this year has a voice like hers, which makes it stand out -Melody is great -It's not trying to be groundbreaking, it's just there to be a pleasant listen, and I think it succeeds Better than last year? For me and me alone, no ("Solo" was in my top five last year....oof)

Croatia

-WARNING: THIS SONG IS ADDICTIVE -HOLY FREAKING HECK, HIDING MY LOVE FOR THIS SONG WAS THE HARDEST OF ALL -I'm OBSESSED with this -I heard it ONCE and I was like...."I think I'm about to have another "Jezebel" moment just two years later" (AKA: runaway favorite I obsess over all season) -The only song I've LOOPED this year so far -Croatia, please don't mess this up. This song is INCREDIBLE! It's catchy, it's quotable, it's unique, and it goes HARD! -Bye mom, bye dad, meow cat, please meow back! -It's like the first half of "Cha Cha Cha" as a full song! That's a good thing BTW -I would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to see this win! But the juries will be a hurdle... -Three years in a row, my favorite song of the year is a rock song. Rock songs in Eurovision just always seem to hit the spot for me for some reason.... Better than last year? OBVIOUSLY, YES!!!

Iceland

-Didn't live up to expectations, sadly -Same lady who sang "Je ne sais quoi" in 2010, and that song was SOOOO much more powerful. You go from a good slice of Eurodance cheese, to....this? -It's a grower, tho, I'll give it that. I'd still say I like this -It's not horrible, just kinda average Better than last year? Nope!

Slovenia

-POWERFUL vocals -Definitely a grower, but I still don't listen to it often. I should change that -I like it, but just how much DO I like it right now? Can't answer -Don't really have much else to say, tho -The story is interesting, but how will it do on stage? Dunno... Better than last year? No

Finland

-Another candidate for my top 7 cuz I DON'T CARE what you think -People who don't like this cuz it's a "joke entry" need to sit down and let us have our fun -Besides, the chorus of this song is unironically great, and so are the vocals -Does it sound like the 90s? Yes, but is that a problem? -Finland, keep being your delightful selves -The fact that this'll be the first time in FIVE YEARS where they aren't in my top 3, and they still will be in my top 10- Yeah, I'm definitely pro-Finland being Finland -NO RULES! Better than last year? No, but that's a very high bar. They weren't gonna do that twice in a row

Moldova

-I normally love Moldova in Eurovision, but this was underwhelming, sorry.... -It's not bad, it's just an off year for them -Why did they not bother writing a second verse and just repeated the first one -It did grow on me, so maybe I'll like it more once I give it more listens Better than last year? No

Azerbaijan

-Kudos to them for finally using their language in a song -Pretty good vocals -My first thought was "this is more of a vibe song than a Eurovision entry". Nothing wrong with vibes, it's just not competitive -Still, I wouldn't say this is my type of music -It was the last song released, so I should give it more time Better than last year? Actually, yes

Australia -This is looking more and more like it's gonna be my number 5. I REALLY like this -Vocals are great, instrumentation is great, and it has some of my fav lyrics of the year easily -It's just a very feel-good song! What can I say? -Kudos for the aboriginal language rep -Definitely one of my underdogs, cuz the reception toward it has been mostly lukewarm, but...eh, gotta have at least a couple underdogs a year -Genuinely glad to see them still here. Safe to say that observing the Eurovision fandom over the year has completely made me get over my old disapproval of them being here. I saw multiple people worrying about them not coming back. It's pretty clear that they're part of the Eurovision family now. I no longer have any issues with them ^^ Better than last year? NAAAAHHHHH, sorry, not even close. XD

Portugal

-I'm realizing that I tend to prefer powerful ballads like this over quieter ones like Serbia's -Still not one of my favorites, but it's been a major grower -That's...about it Better than last year? Yes, but not by a lot

Luxembourg

-I know, you're a grower~ -Um...yeah, nothing really special here. It's catchy, but gets overshadowed by other songs like it, sadly -I really wanted Luxembourg to send a great song, cuz I REALLY don't want this to be an anticlimax for them....TT__TT

Malta

-The most mid song of the year -Poor woman's "SloMo" -Whenever I listen to it, I think "I wish I was listening to Cyprus or Georgia's entries instead" -I don't like her voice very much -Malta....c'mon. You got two measly points and came last in your semi last year with a much MUCH more fun song. You gotta try harder! Better than last year? NO. I never forget the absolute robbery-

Albania

-I prefer the original -(Yeah, in case you didn't know, this song is a revamp. The original song was called "Zemrën n’dorë" and it was in Albanian) -They didn't just change the language, they changed the music, too, and....yeah, I like the original more -That being said, I've actually listened to this song a LOT to get me used to it, and now I like it -One of the better standard Albanian ballads we've had in a few years -The lyrics are SO generic tho.... Better than last year? Yes

Greece

-Is this the first reggae song we've ever had in Eurovision? Cuz I can't think of any other -This is prolly gonna be the take I'd get burned for if I was more popular....uh, I haven't really gotten into this, sorry -Probably gonna be in my bottom five -I respect it's uniqueness and riskiness, but it's just not my music -In other words, it's this year's "EAEA" -The first time I heard it, I praised it for being "unapologetically Greek", but apparently some Greek people insist their music doesn't actually sound like this, so...blegh -Again, I know this song is very loved, so no hard feelings Better than last year? Gonna actually say yes to this, tho

Switzerland

-"How many genres do you wanna mix in this?" "Yes" -Drum and bass + rap + opera?? I heard this the first time and I was VERY confused XD -I COMPLETELY see why this song could win -Their voice is incredible and downright angelic -Not one of MY favs, but its VERY memorable and is pretty much a work of art -Oh, and I like the lyrics -Would be a VERY worthy winner Better than last year? Oh yes, thank god

Czechia

-Another one that's been around for a while and I've avoided listening to too much -I like its energy, but yeah, there's another female-led rock song I love more than this -Can't really say much about it. It's another one I just find kinda there -I'll give it time Better than last year? Nooooo

Austria

-An absolute joy to listen to -Nothing like a song about turning your brain off and partying -That instrumental break is GREAT -Sadly overshadowed by Lithuania's song to me in terms of club music, but I still like it -Why wasn't this the semi opener? It would've been perfect Better than last year? About the same

Denmark

-SAAAAAAND -Yeah, another grower. Thought it was mid at first, but now I enjoy it -Still nothing special, and it's kinda overshadowed by the stuff around it, but it's a good song for belting along to -SAAAAND, SAAAAAAAND Better than last year? About the same...but maybe yes

Armenia

-The first word that came to mind was "cute" -Very happy, very bouncy, and very Armenian -Nothing amazing, but hey, they're just happy to be here -I heard this compared to "Trenuletul" and I can see it Better than last year? About the same

Latvia

-Now THIS is a ballad this year I REALLY like -Seriously might be in my top 7 -SUCH a good chorus! It gets lodged into my head! -And the sheer power in his voice? Perfection -SUPER underrated, but hey, it's Latvia, I gotta expect that -Will they finally make it with this? They just BARELY missed out last year....I hope it happens, but it's sadly unclear Better than last year? Yes!

San Marino

-SPEAKING OF UNDERRATED -HOLY CRAP, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH -It's my number 4. DEAD SERIOUS -Better Spanish entry than the one actually from Spain -I CANNOT get enough of this, and it's easily my fav song they've ever sent -We don't get enough female-led rock in Eurovision -This song is SO INTENSE -Seriously, I love every single thing about this. It hits my brain perfectly. AND IT'S THE SONG FROM SAN MARINO -THAT BREAK WITH THE FLAMENCO INSTRUMENTATION MIXED IN GIVES ME LIFE, WHY DOES THAT WORK SO FLIPPING WELL -When this inevitably doesn't qualify, I'm gonna be playing it on loop for the rest of that day Better than last year? YES YES YES

Georgia

-Basically a more adult version of the Cypriot entry -Seriously, they're SO alike -....So why do I prefer the Cypriot entry? I dunno, I couldn't tell you. I just proved right above this that my taste is weird sometimes XD -Still hope they catch a break Better than last year? About the same, I guess....?

Belgium

-MY SECOND-FAVORITE! YAAAAAAYYYY! -This song is a masterpiece, simply put -The buildup. The BUILDUP. I CANT -This is EVERYTHING I love in a song like this -It builds and builds and builds and then BURSTS -THE LAST MINUTE IS SOOOOOO FLIPPING GOOD!! Still gives me goosebumps sometimes. That ending is what makes this my second-fav -Easily my favorite ballad of the year, and my fav ballad in recent years combined -Oh, and my fav Belgian entry of all time. That too. I've been WAITING for Belgium to send a song I love this much, cuz the highest they've been with me before this was 8th Better than last year? Yup!!

Estonia

-"We swear we don't have anything to do with these drugs, guys" -SO flipping fun, and SO flipping CATCHY -Not something I listen to a LOT, but when it comes on, I have a blast -When it comes to the fun songs, I like this more than Netherlands, but not as much as Finland -This is probably the biggest grower for me so far. Could possibly end as a borderline fav at this point. Better than last year? Yes

Norway

-HECK YEEEEEEEEEES NORWAY! GO OFF! -Folk metal? Sign me UP -This song is SO cool! First time I heard it, I was speechless and needed a second listen. This song FLOORED me -Other songs I love more have pushed it down, but it's definitely still gonna rank high -And it's in Norwegian! Better than last year? No, but it's CLOSE

Netherlands

-The viral hit of the year -Potential televote winner, but juries are gonna tank this. It's not gonna win, it's too silly -....At least, it SEEMS silly -I love how this fun, catchy song completely deconstructs the idea of a "joke entry". It seems silly when you listen to it, and you're having a good time, but then you look up what the song's about and....yup, it's about his dead dad, can't call it a joke -Very heartwarming story behind it, but it's still fun -You hear that chorus once, and it doesn't leave you alone -The gabber part is great -Also EXTREMELY Dutch, from what I've heard -Sadly not a favorite of mine, but I hear the appeal here, like with the Swiss entry Better than last year? Yes!

Sweden

-This song is very....Swedish -(And they're Norwegian-) -....Seriously, it sounds like exactly what I expected from Sweden. They weren't gonna do "Tattoo" again, and so many of their entries have been like this -That's not a bad thing for me, since I like this kinda music. The big-sounding pop -Great buildup -Great ending -Screams "We wanna do well, but we're not trying to win" (and it WILL do well, since it's Sweden-) -Will be a good opener of the final. Good hype song Better than last year? PFFFFFF NO

France

-Jury bait (which is something auto-qualifiers can still get away with) -It's just him flexing his vocals for three minutes -I know that ballads ARE vocal flexes, but I love ballads that have more....TO them than this? I guess? -I can't listen to this one too often before getting bored of it -His voice IS impressive tho Better than last year? No

Germany

-People have been really mean to this song, but....I like it? I'm sorry? XD -Could honestly be a borderline fav. I guess I'm the "some" that his "nothing but the average" is special to -Seriously, even if it's generic, it's GOOD generic -His voice is great -Lyrics are pretty good -Chorus is catchy -Bridge is unironically AWESOME, sorry not sorry -RUN FROM THE SILENCE, SCREAMING FOR GUIDANCE, WHO AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOR? -Seriously, guys, chill out, it's a good song Better than last year? Nah (they were still robbed)

Italy

-Italy are incapable of sending a song that is even AVERAGE at this point -Seriously, listen to this! It's perfect! -Not a FAVORITE favorite, but still one I like and respect a LOT -The melody is SO good, and so is her flow -The circus-esque instrumentals are FUN -I could go into why I think this is my prediction for the winner, but I'll save it (I have my reasons, trust me) Better than last year? Yes

Spain

-80s -Seriously, that's all I can take away from this XD -Except that the message of the song is pretty good -Don't get me wrong, I love me some 80s cheese, even if it's dated. It's a good chunk of what I listen to XD -This one's just....kinda losing some punch to make me really love it. As it is.....I find this song kinda forgettable, actually... Better than last year? For me, yes

UK

-Pretty cool! -Lyrics are good -I can see why some people are underwhelmed, cuz it doesn't really burst at all. It's kinda understated. But....I dunno, I like that about it -This is one I definitely need more time with Better than last year? Gonna say about the same

Final thoughts

So.....yup, that's it for now! That's my current thoughts! Overall, like I said, this year COULD be one of my favs if the chips fall correctly. The ending to this contest matters a LOT

But for now, I'm really excited to listen to the playlist more now that I've made this post. Even if I've HEARD the songs, there are quite a few I haven't listened to a TON, so listening to them all together is definitely gonna help flesh out my final verdicts on them

What I know right now is that I have a solid top four: Croatia, Belgium, Lithuania, and San Marino. Only thing I can see changing there is that MAYBE San Marino might overtake Lithuania for third, but yeah, these are easily my fav songs.

And I'm SUPER happy these four are my favs, cuz all four of them are countries I have NEVER rooted for as hard as this before since I started watching live. I LOVE when that happens, like with Albania in 2018. Rooting for unlikely countries for the first time gives me life! Like I said, the highest Belgium have been with me before this was 8th! Same with San Marino. Lithuania's record before this was 4th (altho that was with "We Are The Winners"), and Croatia....well, yeah, they've been second with me before, but a LONG time ago, in a year I didn't watch live (flipping 1999). I'm SO hyped to give my energy to these guys.

Seriously, I NEVER expected to be blown away by Croatia and SAN MARINO- what even is this XD

Um....a-anyway.....5th is probably gonna go to Australia, and 6th and 7th are being fought over by Ukraine, Finland, Cyprus, Latvia, Norway, and maaaaaaybe Estonia

Least-fav out of these......I wanna say Malta, cuz I gave Greece respect points. And Malta's entry isn't BAD, it's just painfully mid. I don't think I outright dislike any of these, to be honest....?

That's all for now! ^^

[actualbird]

Once again I have just woken up and saw a new fic from you and read it and I am going to Scream

God the basement incident. Reading about it in the game felt like getting hit by a ton of bricks and reading your interpretation of the events that led up to it feels worse. I hate how well you conveyed the slowly growing tension and worry as Giann realises Marius is missing and can't find him anywhere. God, the kids who did it were so young too. At most 10 years old and already having nearly killed one of their cousins. I never realised how horrifying the implications were until now.

I really like the ice and cold theme that's present throughout the fic. While Marius was hit with the physical sensation of the coldness of the basement, it manifests in Giann as his mental state. It's such a good way to show how that incident impacted them both and tie Giann's feelings back to that incident in a more tangible way. The chill of that basement never really left him, even though it's been long enough for the seasons to change and to be outwardly warm.

Giann shouldering all of this on his own bevause of how busy his father is...Man

Bringing in Giann and Marius' mom too oh my god the way he feels like he failed her because he failed to protect and take care of Marius in that incident and now needs to make up for it...

That last paragraph hurts so much knowing that Giann is missing now. How must he be feeling, knowing that he once again can't be there for his brother when he needs him?

God this fic hurt so much, I think this might be the most angst I've read from your work since "and I feel my past regrets slipping into present tense". Excellent fic, I love your portrayal of Giann so much and I love the way you wrote about how the basement incident impacted him. Honestly, this might be one of my favourite fics you've written.

🌌

wAAHHH good morning milkyway, thank you for reading "growing pains"!!! for a balanced breakfast, get a healthy heap of....angst.

JHVJSDHVFKHSDF

but gosh thank u so much for this ask, im so glad the pain managed to hit hard since it’s been quite a while since i last stretched my angst writing muscle (and my fic writing muscle in general OTL) so im rlly relieved to be seeing the emotionally devastated comments cuz phew thank god….ive still got it….. ;w;

hashing out the more specific details of how i imagined The Basement Incident was really interesting for me to do! all marius says in canon is along the lines of “a few older kids trapped me there as a prank” and “they were probably tired of seeing how everyone paid attention to me like planets orbiting the sun” and like. how much older is older. it cant be that old, because unthinking jealousy like that is such childish playground bully behavior. they were kids too, not really understanding the consequences of their actions

i actually cut a scene that was in my outline where like, those three kids who trapped marius in there were crying in the commotion once the ambulance came and once the Gravity of what happened set in. i cut it out for pacing reasons and for “giann, in that moment, would not care or notice them at all” reasons.

…..funfact: this is actually the fic where i think i did the most ever cutting of scenes and lines i first put down.

i wanted to be a little bit more restrained in how i wrote this? like, before i sent it to my girlfriend for editing, there were way more lines in the flashbacks further describing the “cold” of the setting and marius’ hypothermia, more paragraphs detailing giann’s experience of guilt, etc. i took em out. not rlly for the express benefit of the fic exactly, but i just wanted to try a “less is more” approach for once to see how it’d feel.

my verdict there is it’s super fun, results in a “muted” kind of reading experience that fit well here. the connections make themselves. it doesnt come to me as naturally as my more ramble internal monolog heavy shtick (i needed to look at my first draft for a whole afternoon just wondering what i wanted to axe JHKJHFSD) but it’s definitely a kind of technique i wanna try practicing more

writing process rambles aside, oh my gosh. “I think this might be the most angst I've read from your work since "and i feel my past regrets slipping into present tense” ” this is high praise to me since that fic is still one that i consider my most miserable piece in this fandom jvkJVJHFVKSDH

thank you so much for the lovely comment, milkyway!!! it’s always such a delight to see your thoughts and im so happy you liked this fic :’D

[theoddcatlady]

The Age of Enlightenment

My dad wasn’t great at being a dad.

I’m not saying he was Satan incarnate, he just had a bad temper is all. There was five of us kids, and after mom passed he was stuck raising us on his own, so he had to run a tight ship. Otherwise we would be nothing but lazy troublemakers.  

I was the second oldest, my sister Naomi was the oldest, and then there was Abby, Caroline, and Lil’ Liam. The moment Naomi was in highschool she was in charge of keeping house and making sure we were all good by the time dad got home.  

She was super bossy about it, but she just didn’t want to see Dad mad. And he was pretty scary when he was mad- threw things against the walls, screamed how we were all selfish brats who didn’t respect him, sometimes we got whacked but it was mostly just the yelling. Naomi was pretty grateful when I entered highschool- meant she wasn’t the only one who had to be bossy.

We did our best, you know- we cleaned the house, we did the laundry, everyone did their homework and by the time dad walked through the door dinner better be done or close to done and the table set.  

Like I said, we did our best. We didn’t always succeed, cuz the kids got cranky or didn’t want to clean or would hide their homework from us. Couldn’t hide homework from dad though. He could just about smell it.  

It was Thanksgiving vacation when they showed up on our door.  

We did good that day, Dad didn’t even look mad when we sat down for dinner. And then the doorbell rang.  

You could see the vein pop out of his forehead from across the table. I nearly sunk into the floor, we’d done so well that day and someone had to interrupt dad’s dinner. Not much made him more ticked than that.  

Initially he ignored it, grumbling something about salesmen, but we were all on edge. Caroline was pushing her peas around her plate instead of eating them and Liam was sucking on his thumb, at four he was too old for that but it was a nervous habit we’d yet to break out of him. I silently prayed for the people at the door to get the hint and leave.

Another ding-dong later and I knew we weren’t that lucky.

Dad shoved his plate away and stomped to the door while cussing up a storm. Naomi groaned and buried her face in her palms. All our hard work was now ruined by some jerks interrupting dinner.  

Since we were already screwed, I figured it couldn’t get any worse by sneaking after Dad and peering out of the wall to see who was at the door.  

My dad pulled the door open and barked an angry ‘WHAT?!’ at the people outside.  

They weren’t neighbors, obviously, most knew better than to come over to our house but I also could tell they weren’t salesmen. It was a pair, a man and a woman. The woman had curly brown hair and a wide smile, the man was prematurely balding and was more somber. The woman offered her hand to my dad, completely missing the fact he looked ready to blow his top. “Hi, I’m Ann, this is my husband Kennen. We’re here from the church down the ways. May we come in?” 

I swore Dad’s face went redder than a tomato, before he proceeded to literally laugh in their faces. “Get the hell off my porch, I’m not buying any of your damn books or going to any damn meetings.” He proceeded to slam the door in their faces… or would’ve, had Kennan not stuck his foot in the door.  

The door bounced back open and Kennan managed to mostly disguise his grimace with a cough. Ann was still smiling, offering forward a pamphlet. “I understand you’re likely a busy man, sir, but no one doesn’t have time for the truth. What time will you be available for a chat?”  

My dad snatched the pamphlet, crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage right next to the door. “Never. I work a full time job and have five brats to parent on my own,” He snarled.  

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, but if you’re looking for support, the church offers daycare and there’s counseling services for those who need a little help from their day to day-”

My dad slammed the door again, this time Kennan didn’t attempt to stop it. I skittered back to the dining room to avoid being caught away from the dinner table, but it didn’t matter. Dad stormed back in, screamed at Caroline for playing with her food, and told us all to get to our rooms, right now. I’d not had more than a bite of meat loaf but it didn’t matter- no one deserved dinner right now.

The thing is with a strict parent, you learn how to get around them. Even if the price was a heavy one to pay, I knew how to sneak around my dad to snitch something to eat. I couldn’t sleep with my stomach growling like it was.  

After gorging myself on cold, greasy meatloaf that was still on the table, I headed back to my room only to pause at the trash can.  

I almost went back up to my room, knowing if my dad happened to realize I snitched the pamphlet from the trash I’d be in for a beating and a grounding. But my curiosity outweighed my fear and I carefully lifted the crumpled up paper from the trash before hurrying to my room, careful not to step on any squeaky floorboards. I’d learned where each one was over my years of sneaking around.

Before you make an assumption, this wasn’t from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Or really any other church I’d ever heard about before.  

These people were from The Enlightened. The pamphlet was nothing special, white paper with black print and a cartoony picture of a lamp on the front, probably some sort of clip art or whatever. But the words inside… they did something for me. I still have the first sentences memorized… ‘The age of enlightenment is upon us. The reason behind everything exists with us.’  

I poured over the few pages for days, hiding the pamphlet in my pillow so I could read it every night before bed. They said everything I wanted to hear- how we’re all here to help each other out, how life should be about loving and respecting others… it was truly enlightening.  

I wished so hard that Ann and Kennen would come back, I had so many questions I wanted to ask them. I was still a bit skeptical, back then, but just after we got home from school there was that knock at the door. I answered and there they were. Kennen now had a crutch, apparently Dad broke his foot, but there was no hard feelings.

“I read the pamphlet,” I blurted out before they could say a thing. Ann blinked a few times before she grinned ear to ear.

“I hoped someone would,” She said, taking my hand in hers and squeezing tightly, “Can we come in? Just for a few minutes.”  

I invited them in, poured them lemonade, and we talked. They explained everything.  

The Enlightened revered something called Beings. They weren’t to be worshiped, only respected and asked of for guidance. The Beings were here when we first arrived, after we swum through the stars as fish. Hell was in fact located in the sun, or well, a portal to hell was. We were lucky to have made it and were not distracted by the warmth.  

The being that Kennen and Ann revered the most was called Riesis, and Riesis asked them to come to my house. They knew someone would be interested in hearing them speak. And although yeah, back then the Being stuff seemed silly, Kennan and Ann were nice. We all liked them, even Naomi, who was even more unimpressed by the Beings than I was. Liam was practically curled up in Ann’s lap by the time Dad came home.

Not a single chore was done, homework hadn’t been touched, and Naomi had completely forgot about starting dinner when the door banged open. That meant Dad’s day at work was lousy so we better have done everything that needed to be done. Which. We hadn’t.

When he saw Ann and Kennen in our living room, his face went from white to red to purple so quickly I thought he had a stroke.  

“What the hell are they doing in our house?” His rage immediately turned on Naomi, who began to shake.

I couldn’t let her take the blame, not this time, so I stood up and told the truth. “I invited them in, Dad, they’re nice-”

I couldn’t tell him all I knew now, how I had become enlightened. Before I could, he backhanded me so hard I think a tooth almost went loose.  

“Are you stupid?!” Spittle flew from his enraged lips as he pointed at the couple. “These nutjobs aren’t even from a real church!”

For the first time, I saw Ann look mildly peeved. Her lips pressed together in a firm line as she stood. “At first I thought you were just jaded, but now I see you’re just as close minded as most of the world. The enlightenment is coming, sir, whether you want it or not.”

“Go back to your fish stories, you crazy bitch,” My dad sneered, “And get out of my house before I call the cops and tell ‘em you and your husband were doing some freaky shit with my children.”

My face went red at the implication and Ann sputtered angrily before taking a deep breath and the smile returning to her face, a smile that didn’t come close to seeming happy. “Fine. Good day, sir,” She walked to the door, her husband limping right behind him.  

After they were out of the house I got the worst beating of my life. My dad made me give him back the pamphlet and he shredded it into itty bitty pieces. I’d never be able to read it again. I couldn’t even lay on my back in bed that night because of how sore I was. My siblings were threatened with worse if anyone brought up The Enlightened ever again.

I fell asleep crying because I’d never be able to feel that happiness I felt with Ann again.

In the middle of the night I woke up to someone collapsing against my door. It scared the hell out of me, I nearly fell out of bed.

I heard a gurgle and against my better judgment, I walked up to the door and opened it.

There was my dad, slumped up on the ground, his front all soaked with blood pouring from a jagged wound in his throat. Naomi was standing right behind him, holding a steak knife so tightly in her red stained hand it was shaking.

I stared blankly at my dying father, who reached up to me in a silent gesture for help. I looked at my sister. A few specks of blood were drying on her bone white cheeks. I held out my hand. “Sis, give me the knife,” I said.

I didn’t need to ask twice, she gave it up so easily. I looked at my dad, who looked so damn relieved… until I raised the knife and jabbed it right into his chest so hard the blade snapped off the handle.  

My dad managed a final gasp before he slumped down dead. I looked up at Naomi, who sniffled and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “He… he came to me in my dream. Riesis. He told me… that this is what I needed to do so we could all join the Enlightened.” For the first time I can remember, she smiled. My big sister was always so serious, so grumpy and bossy. Now she finally looked free.

“Go call the cops and get cleaned up. Don’t worry, I’ll wipe off the knife so your prints aren’t on it. Go.”  

My sister took all the blame. Said she was done with my dad’s bullshit and finally snapped. I think it helped that everyone in the community knew that my dad was a dick and she was only sixteen. She’ll be out of prison in about seven more years, we’re planning on throwing a big party when she’s out.

Helped that Kennan was a great lawyer too. Turns out despite rarely saying a word out of the courtroom once he was in it he was a master of words. He represented Naomi pro bono, not a dime was spent on his defense and we owe him forever for it. And to add to this happily ever after, we got adopted by Kennan and Ann.  

Riesis told them they were meant to be our parents, it turns out. Ann couldn’t have kids, but he came to their dreams and told them to go to my house, and return when our dad wasn’t home. Originally the plan was to convince us to come along before he got home, but this way still worked. Ann’s a near perfect mom.  

I’m now eighteen myself. Much better off than I would’ve been if my dad was still alive. Tonight I’ll devote myself to service of Riesis.  

In return he will teach me how to whisper into people’s ears as they sleep, to tell people what he bids. I’ll be his voice now, along with Kennan and Ann.  

[alex-guerin]

So, I work in a warehouse, right? Not a fantastic job, but hey, pretty much pays the bills. My job is to breakdown and sort/count pallets of product when they come in for other people to put away. When I started doing this, there were only two of us, me and one other person. Then the PTB decided to hire a 3rd to breakdown in a different location. THEN they decided to bring in a 4th person and split us into two teams. Split up me and the other original breakdown person and have the two newbies alternate working with us (can't remember if they were supposed to alternate each day or start of each week. I think it was week).

This was fine except for the fact the two newbies would literally argue over whose turn it was to work with the other person right in front of me, making me feel like chopped liver cuz they never argued over whose turn it was to work with me. Then the PTB finally decided they were going to assign the teams, which is how it has stayed. Other OG breakdown person and the 3rd hired, me and my partner-in-crime.

When we got assigned teams, I remember telling him, "I'm sorry. I know I'm the consolation prize. I'm not as much fun as Tasha. Nobody fights over getting to work with me. I'm sorry you're stuck with me." It's been not quite a year, but getting close to, and me and him have been working great together, we have fun, it's good. We joke around. Good times.

Lately though...he's been making comments about how much he hates doing breakdown and doesn't wanna do it anymore, or if he has to do it, he’d rather breakdown alone than with a partner. Then he got his wish a couple weeks ago when I had to be on a forklift for a week to cover one of our other forklift drivers and when I got to return to breakdown, I was happy and excoted cuz YAY! I got to be with my friend again! The Dynamic Duo reunited! So I said to him, "We get to be friends again!! Yay!!" His response: "Yeah, I know. I'm pissed." I tried to brush it off as him being him, cuz we regularly say shit like that to each other (we have a very sibling like relationship), but it did put a damper on my mood and we ended up working separately anyways -- him working on one row, me on the other.

Then we lost one of our breakdown people from the other team and the 2nd person on that team was off for a few days because of strep throat. So, me and him got separated again. He went to the other area to breakdown and I stayed in my preferred area. We have since given the other breakdown position to one of our stockers. Well, he's sub-trainer so he's been training them. No biggie.

Except for the last few days, he acts pretty much like I don't exist. Yesterday and today especially. Yesterday I had to work in the other area, well when it came to be break time I started heading for the breakroom, past them, and went, "My friend! Is juice time! We go!" He looked at me, the person he was training looked at me, and they just kept right on working. I don't think he spoke to me at all yesterday. Came time to leave, we always leave together, I went to fill out my time sheet, him and his trainee were there joking around and before I could finish filling out my sheet, they walked off and left without me. Leaving me to feel forgotten and abandoned.

Today, I got into work, got my scanner, him and his trainee were right by the time clock. I had just finished signing my scanner out when they clocked in and started heading off without me. Not so much as a backwards glance. I already felt alone, but that just made it worse. And again, not a single word said to me the whole day. Got to be break time, him and the trainee came down, walked right by me, not so much as our customary, "Juuuuice tiiiime!" call to let me know it was break time. I ended up not taking a first break cuz I just didn't wanna deal with anything. My mood was shit, I just wanted to keep working cuz at least that kept my brain busy enough that I didn't randomly burst into tears. Lunch time rolled around, I went 10 minutes earlier than our usual time, ended up sitting alone while him and trainee walked out without a glance. I ended up clocking back in from lunch early and went back to working. Skipped my 2nd break to keep working and again, when break time rolled around, they walked right by me without a word.

Finally towards the end of my night one of the guys I talk to every once in a while came up to talk to me while I was working on a pallet and made some comment about how I had lost my partner-in-crime to someone else, and I just shrugged said, "Yeah. It happens. I told him when we started working together I knew I was just the consolation prize. I am the one people deal with having to work with until something or someone new and better comes along." I finished breaking down what I had decided would be my last two pallets of the night, packed up my shit, found my supervisor and gave a couple of truly pathetic fake coughs. He looked at me. I looked at him. "I'm using an hour of sick time. Bye." Filled out my sheet and left at 10 without a word to anyone else.

Not once today did anyone ask me if I was okay. Not once did anyone notice I wasn't speaking to anyone. That I wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. That I worked through my breaks when I ALWAYS take my breaks. I might as well have been invisible. I pretty much was, I guess. No one seemed to care that I was fighting back tears most of the day. That I would try to make myself small.

This, on top of the fact that I had been trying to make plans to do things with people for my bday for the last couple of weeks, but literally no one wants to/is able to has made me feel absolutely abandoned and forgotten. College bestie responded with, "OMG! YES! THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!" I have sent multiple texts asking when she wants to meet up and where. They've been read, no answer. Former coworkers, asked if they wanted to get together at some point while I'm on vacation for a week to get food and catch up. One never answered, the other is in Arkansas. Nearest friend, asked if she wanted to go into Chicago with me and bum around the city on Friday. She's at her family's lake house in Michigan for the month. Sent a thing about cheap Six Flags tickets to a couple of current coworkers seeing if they wanted to go either Friday or Saturday. Nope. One just didn't want to go, the other has plans to video game all weekend with friends. Even my own MOTHER turned me down when I excitedly suggested we go to one of our favorite food places on Thursday for my bday since we'll both be home that day. I literally have nobody to celebrate my bday with.

And now I feel like I don't even have my work bestie anymore.

[killemwithkawaii]

L.S.S.: Looks like we have some more questions to answer.

Mitch(3): Eheh, figures- they got a taste, and now they're just gonna keep comin...~

Mitch(3): What’dja do this time, Polly? Fuck up your hair again and now you’re too fugly to go out in public? I keep tellin ya ta quit tryin ta bleach it yerself…

L.S.S.: Are you okay, MJ? I know you haven’t been feeling well, being off your meds… have you gotten worse?

Mitch(3): Wait, they’re sick? …No wonder they haven’t come around ta bug me… Well, get better so you can come over an cook me somethin’. I got yer shit all bagged up when you do.

L.S.S.: …I have a feeling that’s not gonna happen any time soon… Uh, the crop top is… Mitch likes it when I dress this way. I didn’t really bring anything else to wear, so…

Mitch(3): Eheh, I love seein you walk about in those little short-shorts, too… eye candy AND easy access~ Now you just gotta get outa this shitty mood so I can get ya outa them…

L.S.S.: What makes you say I’m in a ‘shitty mood’?  

Mitch(3): Cuz you’ve been no fuckin fun for the past couple days! 

L.S.S.: What? We’ve been hanging out and playing games and stuff-

Mitch(3): Pssh, yeah, and you’ve been all preachy and weird the whole time… won’t even take a couple shots er nothin with me [grumbling] so fuckin lame… I don’t know why you’re still fuckin’ here if you’re ‘clean and sober’ all of a sudden…

L.S.S.: … I don’t need to be wasted to have fun with you, you know…. 

Mitch(3): ……

....Eheh, I know you wanna be though. So what, are you just takin a tolerance break or somethin then…? I got stronger shit, if you need it. You’re already fried, Fisher. Ya might as well….~

L.S.S.: …. I’m not ‘fried’.

Mitch(3): [laughing] Riiiiight, Mr. 5,000-year-old Immortal Universe-Hopper... Ya'know, maybe you should lay off a little- That story was fuckin' nuts, even for me! [laughing]

Mitch(3): Ehehe, you like what’cha see, darlin’...? Yeahhh, it’s a pretty sweet gig around these parts- plenty of customers, and the Big Dog’s got the cops all wrapped around his finger, so I don’t gotta worry about nothin.... Even gave me this little slice a heaven away from it all so I don’t gotta deal with any nosey neighbors snoopin around. 

L.S.S.: I wouldn’t exactly call this place ‘heaven’...

Mitch(3): The doors right over there, if you got a problem.

L.S.S.: ….

Mitch(3): Aaaanyway, yeah, hit me up if you need somethin- first one’s free, and as you can see [gesturing to Sal]  I can be flexible with the payment plan, if I like the looks a ya [winks]

L.S.S.: Thanks Meadow. I'm doing my best...

Mitch(3): Oh. So you're the one that put him up to this bullshit? You his sponsor or something? Ew, gross... Never mind then, you pay full price, up front, in cash.

Mitch(3): Aww, your little buddy dropped off some groceries for ya, how sweet... lemme just- [slam-dunks nicotine patches, gum and lozenges in the trash can]

L.S.S.: ...Well that was unnecessary.... you could at least cut down on the cigs-

Mitch(3): Hmmmm, feels like a full-pack kinda day... oh, and I got all this juice to go through, too? Better get to work...~

L.S.S.: [sigh] ...

L.S.S.: 'Wolfy'? You mean him...? [pointing to Mitch]

Mitch(3): Ehehe, oooh, I kinda like that... What'cha think, Sally-cat?

L.S.S.: ...I gotta say, it's fitting...

Mitch(3): Eheh, hell yeah...

I started smokin and drinkin in high school and kept moving up from there... Not exactly hard to get your hands on the good stuff in Nockfell- you can't walk more than a couple blocks without somebody tryin ta sell you some addi, and once you get over the freaky black drip, that shit replaces your morning coffee AND your afternoon tea. I'd say about half the town is hooked now. Business is booming, and I got it made...~

L.S.S.: Yeah, you're really living the high life, Mitchie...

Mitch(3): ....

Like I said, the door's right fuckin there any time you wanna get your uppity little ass off my couch and go home. I'm sure that brother a'yurs would be thrilled to see you... [laughing]

L.S.S.: ....

Mitch(3): ...That's what I thought. Now quit bein all high and mighty or I'll put you outside with the other strays....

L.S.S.: .....

...Is that why you keep looking out the window? Are you looking for your cats?

Mitch(3): They're not my cats! Those assholes can fuck off whenever they want to... [barely audible] it's just... kinda weird that they haven't come scratching at the door for a few days... those little turds better not have gotten eaten er somethin...

L.S.S.: ... I'm sure they're fine. Maybe someone took them in?

Mitch(3): [grumbling].... yeah, maybe... not like I care either way....

L.S.S.: ...sure...

[bluespiritpaintedlady]

All Roads Lead to Kawata… Pt 3

~~>*<~~MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!!~~>*<~~

This is Part 3 of an excerpt from my Mitsuya fanfic over on ao3 called “Love Endures”. The female in this story is NOT the main OC of the story. This is a side character from Mitsuya's past, Aya. It falls within her backstory, within his backstory. 😁 This is the story of how she meets & gets involved with the Kawata twins, which later becomes a real problem for her AND for MItsuya. Part 1 led you up to her just meeting them. Pt. 2 is them, ahem, getting together. Pt. 3 is them getting together again because they’re all addicted to each other.

(Pt 2 & 3 are pretty much straight up porn. It’s lovely. 😆😏)

So, yeah, this is the (next next part of the) Kawata Twins hole I fell down. Oh my Goddd… Hope y’all enjoy. 💙💜💙

**long periods of italicized text represent the character’s thoughts**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, February 5th

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She calls up Koko to see when the next gathering of the boys will be. He tells her it’ll be on Friday and she gets excited. Then, she asks him for Smiley’s number and grins large when he sighs and gives it to her.

“Thaaaank yooouuu, Kokoooo!”

“I’m serious about you fuckin with the boys…”

“Koko, shut up. It’s none-“

“Nooooo, no, no. Haha, but you see…this IS my fucking business. Ok, Aya? Because it’s MY gang. And if you come in here n’ start stirrin shit up, then I’m the one dealin with the aftermath. And I don’t like fuckin aftermaths, ok? It’s too much fuckin work and drama and blaahhh, blaaahhh, blaahhh. You know how much I hate work, riiiiiight?”

She can’t help but laugh. “Yeeeeesss, Koko. Don’t work harder…”

“Work smarter!”, they both say at the same time.

“Exaaaaactly. So, we're supposed to be friends, right?”

“Really? Is that what we are?”

“I dunno…” He shrugs. “I guuuuuessss. Anyway, if we’re friends then you won’t cause me more fuckin problems than I already have to deal with. Ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

“No! Don’t dismiss me, Aya. I’m bein serious. I heard you’ve already been circling the fuckin carcasses. I mean Jesus… You’re gonna get a baaad rep. And the last thing you want is for that little piece of information to get out around a bunch of fuckin horny gang members. Jussayin.”

She scoffs. “Was that some pitiful example of you actually caring about my well-being? Cuz, y’know, you can’t just come out and share any of your real feelings with anyone. Ugh.” She rolls her eyes.

“Shut up, Aya. But, yes, ok? I do actually care about you. Okaaayyy? As much as I don’t want to see the guys hurt, I don’t want to see you hurt either! Annnnnd, that’s all you’re gettin out of me, so burn it into your memory…or whatever.”

She starts clapping. “Ha-haaaa! Ladies and gentleman, he shows real human feelings for the first fucking time! Right here. Wow… Well, thank you, Koko. But I’ve gone thru worse than anything those guys can do to me.” The smile falls out of her voice.

It hurts his heart to hear her say it because he knows a little bit about what she’s endured. It also makes him soften toward her a bit. “Well….I don’t think any of our guys are really, like, predators or anything, but….you. *claps* never. *claps* know! And…” It’s hard for him to finish what he has to say. “…you also never know what some men out there could do to you. It may surprise you… just how evil they can be. I’ve seen some really disgusting shit. Shit that I didn’t think could exist outside fuckin animes and books and stuff. Ugh.” He shudders.

“Yeah…” she says sadly. “I know…” She can’t go there with him. She can’t share ALL the horrors she’d endured and inflicted. Not right now. She shakes herself.

“Ok, soooo!” She laughs nervously. “I’ll see you on Friday, ok? I’ll try and make sure I come over and say ‘hi’ this time.”

“Yeah, that was pretty fucked up. Like, fuck you, buddy. Thanks for the favors. Goodbye!”

“Oh, stop. I don’t think you even really like me, Koko. So, stop your little act. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

“I……do like you. I care.” He clears his throat. “But just barely. It’s really more like I, y’know, tooolerate you.”

She chuckles. “Yeah, haha. That sounds more like the truth. Anyway, I looooove yooouuu!” She laughs. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you, too. Now behave! I’m serious.”

“Uh huh. See you Fridaaayyyy!”

“Ugh. Ja ne.”

“Ja ne.”

She hangs up with a smile on her face and calls Smiley.

“Hey, Nahoyaaaa! How are youuuu?”

“Hmmm, I was wondering whether I’d hear from you again. We had some fun, didn’t we?”

She laughs. “Maaaaybeee. Just a bit.”

“Listen to you, all actin coy. But, you can't do the things we did and still put on an innocent act with me, hon. I know just how dirty you are inside now, girl. Phew! Gettin me excited just thinkin about it.”

She laughs. “Fine. No more masks, ok? I’m kinda excited thinkin about it, too. Or, y’know thinkin about doing it…again…”

He takes a deep breath. “I tell you what…” His hand runs down his face. “…I certainly haven’t seen anything like you before. You got some kind of special powers over men, don’t you?”

“Ohhh, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m anything special.”

“I thought we said no more masks?” He chuckles. “But it’s just second nature to you by now, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, kinda. Although, I don’t see it as a mask, really. I mean, I just do what I gotta do to get what I want.”

He laughs. “Wow.”

“But, yeah it is kinda automatic at this point. I don’t really think about it. It’s just, kinda, became part of my personality.”

“Hmmm, I bet. You can only go so long making yourself another person before that “other” person becomes you. I know… The more violence I participate in or see, the more I crave it. And it used to just be, “that’s just Smiley when he’s fighting” and then it was, “that’s just Smiley when he’s upset”…and now….”that’s just Smiley”. It’s rough. How do you ever go back to who you were before? Can we?” He shakes his head.

“I don’t know, Nahoya. I don’t. I was so fucked up to start with that I don’t even know “what I was before”. I mean, really. Maybe this is just who I am?” She shrugs. “I have no idea and no way of really finding out.”

“Hmm…and so is that why you fuck?”

“Ohhhh, that’s a much more complicated answer…”

“Ok, how about this then… Is it to remember or to forget?”

“Both.”

He nods his head. “For me, it’s to forget. To feel something other than the anger…and to feel in control of myself for a small moment in time.”

“Ahhhh…” she says. “Now it makes more sense…”

“What?”

“You’re distaste for being dominated. Because, for you,  you need that time to dominate, to feel in control of something and someone.”

He laughs nervously. “Yeah, maybe. I guess that’s right. Heh heh.. So, uh speaking of fucking… Is this a business call or is it for pleasure?”

“Ohhh, once again it's definitely both…” 

She giggles and he smiles largely.

“Music to my ears, kitten. When and where?”

“My place. Whenever you want to get there.”

“I don’t know where “My Place” is but, alright. Sounds good. Angry’s been lovesick and beggin me to find you again. I don’t know if I should bring him along. But, I hate seein him all sad and mopey AND he won't be high this time… Jussayin we could have quite a bit more fun this time, don’t ya think?”

She was very nervous about Angry. He was sooo sweet and gentle and she absolutely loved being in his arms and making out with him. He’s soft and sweet like Dai. Except she rarely saw any sweetness from Dai these days. But, as good as it felt to be with Angry, she was afraid of hurting him. 

She could see the earmarks of a gentle soul and she didn’t want to leave a bloody trail behind her any larger than the one she already had. That’s why she always chose ones like Smiley or Shota or any number of other guys that didn’t seek or need attachment. She didn’t love any of them. She didn’t even really want to fuck any of them. In her mind they were all poor substitutes for ‘the real’.

If she had still been able to get what she needed at home, she would be there right now, but in his absence, she had to fill it up, the deep dark cavern. She needed to remember and she needed to forget but she couldn’t afford to become someone else’s obsession. So, she hesitated to say yes about Angry. 

In the end, her lust spoke for her, though. The idea of enjoying an even deeper level of sex was a bit too intriguing for the greedy sexual beast inside her. But, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to keep this up with the poor boy. She shouldn’t even do it this time…

“Ok, he can come, too. But, Nahoya… I’m a little nervous about Angry.”

He nods his head. “Yeah... I think he’s uhhh, a little too sensitive for a girl like you. You’ll destroy him and I, uh, of course, can't let you do that. I don’t care about a single human being on this planet more than my brother. If you hurt him…I’m gonna get….mad.” 

And the way he’s talkin is making her mad.

“Ok, so then don’t bring him. I mean I THINK I can get off with just you”, she says with some sass.

“Damn, girl. I don’t know if even I should keep fuckin with you at this point. You’re, uh…yer somethin else. Jesus.”

“Fine, whatever. I’ll go find someone else to fill your…slot.”

He growls a little. “You…oh my God. You are a force to be reckoned with. I’m gonna see you tonight. Gonna fuck that bad attitude right out of you.”

She smiles, ear to ear. “Yaaaay! Just what I like to hear. Loooove youuuu!”

“You certainly do NOT.” He laughs. “This definitely ain’t got nothin to do with love. That’s fer damn sure!”

They laugh together like they’re old friends or something and with smiles on their faces they say their goodbyes and hang up. Her head cocks to the side. He’s an interesting one… Haven’t really met one like him before. He’s no Dai, but there’s something about Nahoya that reminds me of him. But…I don’t want him or anything… OBVIOUSLY. Well, I mean, I want him. I like him… Or, I like the way he feels for sure. Gah! Fuck, my thoughts are all fuckin crazy!!

Her hands come up to her face. And the combo of him and his adorable sweet brother. Jesus… It’s almost like, together they make up Dai. Nahoya is strong and angry and violent and it turns me on in a totally different way than Angry does. Ugh… But I can’t. This has to be the last time. Nahoya scares me in one way and Angry scares me in a different way. No matter how good they feel, I gotta stay away. She feels a little sad about it. It surprises her.

Well, after this, anyway. 

Gotta get just one more…

Just one…

>>>Evening<<<

Smiley shows up with his brother. She’s shocked to see him there. She’s looking at them both, wide-eyed. She starts stuttering. “What? Why?”

Smiley laughs. “Yeah, I know. But it’s really hard for me to say no to my brother…” He shrugs apologetically. “…and I also talked to him about it. And told him this was the last time.”

He looks over at Angry. “Right, buddy?”

Angry nods sadly and tries to force a smile.

Her heart jumps right to him. She just wants to take him in her arms and make all the sadness go away. Just like her beloved Dai had done for her many many times. 

“Hey, Angry? Look at me, hon.”

He looks up, still trying to feign happiness.

“If it’s gonna just be tonight then let’s be happy, ok? Let’s…feel every little bit of it and be thankful for this little gift. Cuz, that’s what this is. Isn’t it?”

He nods with a weak little smile. 

“Awww, come to Mama.” He walks obediently into her arms. “I’m gonna take real good care of you. And maybe you can take care of me, too, huh?”

The first real smile shows on his lips. “I’m gonna try. I guess I’m technically still a virgin, right? I mean…even though last time felt so intimate and good, I really can’t imagine anything better.”

She blushes. “Well, I’m sure a big part of that was the X. I hope you know it’s not gonna feel like that this time”, she says a little sadly.

Smiley cuts in, “No, it’s gonna feel even better.”

They both look at him like ‘huh?’

“Cuz he’s actually gonna get his dick wet this time. Pop his fuckin cherry. Trust me, ain’t nothin gonna feel better than THAT. I know. And, uhh, speakin of which…heh heh…” He takes a step closer to her.

She rolls her eyes and laughs. “That’s right, you hate wait.”

He nods his head and smiles. “Yep. I fuckin DESPISE wait, darlin. Like A LOT.”

“Alright, fine.” She takes Angry’s hand in hers and walks into her house with them trailing behind her.

Dai hasn’t been home for a few days, so she’s pretty confident that he won’t come sniffing around tonight. He usually stays away about a week at a time. She still locks the door anyway. It won’t keep him out completely, but maybe it’ll deter him just enough…if he’s drunk… I can’t have him mixing with this one… She looks over at Smiley. I can see the violence pumpin in his veins, STRONG. He’s just…FULL of it.

She walks towards them, smiling, happy to see Smiley is already removing clothing. Atta boy. Right down to fuckin business. I wish they were all like that. She stands back and watches the boys strip. She likes to watch. She admires their identical lithe, graceful bodies. They’re both clearly strong and you can see the evidence of that strength beneath the surface. But it was not overly defined like it would be with a more muscular man, like Dai. This was more smooth… But she licked her lips seeing those v-lines poppin out strong and drawing her eyes down with it.

Two beautiful fuckin twinkies for me to gobble all up. Gah! I’m in heavennn! She licks her lips. “Jesus, you two are quite the pair.”

Nahoya smiles and walks over to her. “Well, you’re quite the woman, aren’t ya?”

She smiles bashfully. “Stop. I’m not.”

“No, you stop. You’re the one lyin, not me. A girl that can handle both of us?? And be wantin more? Sheeeyit! You ain’t foolin me, that’s for damn sure.” He looks at her like ‘case closed’. His hands come up to her waist. “Now, I’m sure you’re just dying under all those clothes, right? Let me help you…”

She steps toward him and starts whispering, “You should let Angry do all the…y’know…sweet stuff like this. And you take all the dirty hard nasty stuff. Whadya think?” She steps back and looks at him. 

He stares at her for a moment deciding whether he wants to give in on this and whether she’s right or not. 

“Alright. You’re probably right. Angry! Come here.” Angry walks quietly over. “Undress this beautiful woman for me, will ya?”

Angry smiles happily and gladly brings his hands to her body. It fills him with an indescribable joy to be touching her again. Once her shirt and bra are gone though, he forgets what he was doing and can’t think of anything but kissing her and pressing his body against hers. Smiley rolls his eyes when he realizes his brother’s been swept away in her. So, he gets on his knees and begins removing her pants. He’s thankful they are the “easy-off” kind. He stays on his knees even after their removal and his hands start massaging and wandering. His fingers start to stroke her over her panties.

Nahoya hears the moans start comin and gets a little…gleeful. And, each time she moans into their kiss, Angry smiles. Smiley pulls her panties down and lets her step out of them. His hands then grab ahold of her thighs and spread them a little further so he get up under them better. He parks himself directly under her, his head right at the apex. “Mmmm…lookin delicious, girl.”

She giggles and it makes Angry laugh, too.

Smiley, without wasting time, latches on to her clit and begins his magic act. Her moans go from cutesy little things to great mature moans. Her legs start shaking. Fuck! She brings her hand to Angry’s body and moves down till her fingertips are dancing over his cock.

Her hand wrapped around him like that makes him shiver. “Oh my God….” Now, he’s moaning into their kiss and soon neither of them can kiss at all. Their heads are both thrown back, their eyes closed, experiencing their own separate ecstasies. 

After they both cum, their heads come down at the same time and they look at each other and smile. “Was that good, lover?”, she asks.

He nods and smiles at her with pink cheeks.

“I can’t wait to actually get inside you, tho. I’ve been dying to know what you feel like.”

“Me first!”, Nahoya says loudly as he rises back up to his feet.

She gives him a little bit of an angry look.

“Come on. I even ate you out first.”

“So?”

“So, I’m sayin I’ve been wantin to be inside you since the second I walked in here. Before that, actually. And I’m sayin I was nice and waited. Now I want to get inside you. Like RIGHT now, actually.” He starts pressing up against her.

She steps away from him. “Stop. Let me think…”

As much as he hates ‘wait’, he reeeally fuckin hates ‘stop’. He growls at her.

She points toward her bedroom door. “Both of you get on the bed and face each other, ok? I’ll be right back.” She smiles at them and trots off. Both boys watch her bouncing off until she’s no longer visible and then look back at each other. They shrug and go climb onto her bed. She comes trotting into her bedroom with a huge grin and a bottle of lube.

Smiley’s eyes go wide. There’s those beautiful baby blues again. Phew! She shakes the bottle back and forth like it’s a bottle of champagne or something. For them, it will be the sexual equivalent. She looks at the two beautiful boys in front of her. It's a beautiful vision of perfect symmetry, a lovely mirror image, with the only difference being their hair. They are each sitting back on their haunches, facing each other. 

She walks up to the them, right in between, and kisses each, in turn. “We’re gonna have some reeaal fun, boys.” She giggles. That brings smiles to both of their faces, albeit for different reasons.

She climbs in between them, facing Angry and resting her butt on Smiley’s thighs. She happily feels his hardon now pressing into her back. She looks down Angry’s body and sees him standing at attention as well, hard as a rock. It brings a wicked grin to her face. Helllloooooo!

“Do you get where I’m going with this yet, Nahoya?” She turns her head towards him. She sees him grin and nod.

“Yeah and I like this much better than what I was gonna do.”

She smiles at him. “See? So, maybe it’s ok, every once in a while, to hand the reins over to someone else, huh? Like I said, you just needed the right girl.” She winks at him. He swallows.

“Ho-ly shit. You really are like nothin I’ve ever seen before. You might be one of the first to ever get under my skin.” His arm comes around to the front of her. He grabs her with his hand almost wrapped around her neck and presses into her back.

She moans a little. “Getting under your skin, doesn’t sound like a good thing, tho.”

He smirks and lifts her ass off of him, it raises her breasts perfectly level with Angry’s mouth. He doesn’t have to be asked or told anything. His mouth is on them in seconds. It pulls a moan from her throat. 

Smiley drenches himself and her in lube. 

“Getting under my skin can be good or bad.” 

He slides one finger, then two, in her ass to get her good and ready. Her moans start becoming a little barky as he moves in and out even faster. 

“You ready?”, he whispers.

“Mmmhmmm…”, she whimpers. 

He withdraws his fingers from her and presses his head against her hole. 

“Mmmm, I’m REAALLYY gonna love this. So few girls let me do anal. It’s a damn shame, too. Feels better than annnnything. Phew!”

He slowly enters her (she starts to grunt) and then slowly pulls back. He works his way, very gently, back and forth, until he’s all the way inside her. His whole body shakes, as does hers. And he just rests her there a bit, sitting on his lap with his entire penis inside her.

“Holy shit, that’s fuckin good. Sweet fuckin Christ! I might be settin a record tonight.”

She laughs as much as she can with him that deep inside her. It ends up sounding a bit choked. “What….record?” She’s breathing heavy.

“How many times I’m gonna cum tonight.” His body shakes again. “I’m already juuuust about to have the first one. Fuuucck…..  Angry!”, he shouts out with a grimace. “Get inside this woman! Like, fuckin NOOWWW!”

Angry looks at her slightly dumbfounded. Her eyes go soft.

“Awww, come here, my baby.” She holds out her arms to him and he moves right into them. “Take it in your hand, lover. And then push it up inside me, ok?” She swallows hard. “I can…I can take it.” 

Her face contorts slightly as Smiley has to move her up for Angry. They move up off their haunches and now are both on their knees. She spreads her legs just a little further apart for him. Angry, with his head down, looking at his dick in his hand, presses forward and up and finally in.

His eyes become comically large as he feels the best physical sensation he’d ever felt before in his life. It made him want to cry, it was so good. He immediately starts getting vocal and panting into her ear. And on the other side of her head she had Smiley panting. This was intense. And unlike ANYTHING she’d ever felt before. I think I’m love with them both. Holy shiiiitt! She tries to speak but can only get a few words out. “Ok….gotta…holy shit!” She almost cries as she says it. “M-move….to….gether…. SLOW!”

They both move their hips, retreating to their tips, and then smoothly slide back up to her in the middle. All three of them are shuddering with every movement. 

Angry shouts, “Nahoya! I can feel you! In her! I can feel you against my dick! What the fuck?!”

Smiley laughs. “Yeah, it’s pretty fuckin wild, isn’t it? Now, let’s get our rhythm right and fuck her better than she’s ever been fucked before, ok?”

Angry nods and they move….together.

Her moans start to stutter as a fucking life-altering orgasm rises up from her core. “O-o-o-ohhhh my-y-y G-o-d-d-d!” K-keep m-oo-ving.”

They do not disappoint. Like river over rocks they move like fluid, smooth as silk, in such a perfect synergy. It’s almost as if they’re fucking twins or something. It’s fucking perfection! And when that orgasm starts tearing through her, she swears she’s ripped right from her body and is watching it all unfold…

She sees Angry gritting his teeth through his orgasm and then it's replaced with a hazy look of peace and relief. He’s kissing her now. She sees Smiley eyes roll in the back of his head with a gigantic grin as he pumps a substantial amount of semen into her. He starts growling and shouting. She comes back to herself; sweating, red in the face, heart racing so fast, with intermittent hard pounds, that she thinks she seriously might have a heart attack. 

“Oh my Goooddddd”, Smiley says. “And that was just beginning?”

Angry’s eyes go wide. “It was?”

“Fuuuuck me.” Smiley continues. “Jesus. I gotta take a fuckin break. I don’t ever have to do that. That shit was fuckin hot and intense. Holy fuck.” He drags the back of his hand across his forehead. “I’m gonna wash off. Be right back.” He walks out of the room, completely naked, y'know like he lived there or somethin.

She plops down on the bed next to Angry and brings her hand to his chest and wraps her leg around his thigh. She purrs at him. “You are quite the fucking pair… Mmmmm….”

He smiles and brings his hand up to run through her hair.

“Thank you, Aya-chan. That was pretty incredible. I know Nahoya said it was just the beginning. But even if that was all it was, it would be enough for me…and better than anything I’ve ever felt before. You are…incredible.”

“That's just because it was your first… It only gets more incredible from here on out.”

She thinks about her first night with Dai. How that felt. How it felt like nothing could ever be better than this. She sympathized with the boy, but she didn’t want to linger on those memories too long, they brought pain with them. She frowns and then quickly starts kissing Angry, passionately.

She pulls back from him and then moves her leg across him, straddling him. She lowers herself slowly onto his body and looks at him with a smile. 

“We’re just gettin started. Please hold all comments until the end.” She chuckles and starts sliding up and down him. He groans. She feels him harden underneath her and she lifts off of him to inspect. 

She sees he is hard enough and with glee grabs a hold of him and places him at her entrance.

“Whenever you’re ready, lover”. She sits straight up and he moves his hips to thrust up and in.

His eyes close as he feels her again but ohhh, what’s this? It’s all different now, isn’t it? A new angle, a new position. He can’t believe how mind-blowing this feels. He can’t believe she was right. It really does just get better and better.

“Holy shit…”

“Yeah…it’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?”

“Uh huh…” He is lost in her again.

Smiley comes back and starts whining to see her hole filled with his brother’s dick again.

“Aww, come on, man. This is bullshit. I want some of that kitty, too.

She tries to turn her head back to look at him but she can only get it so far.

In between moans and heavy breath escaping their mouths, she says, “Oh, please…. This is… perfect…for you. This is exactly…what you really want. Isn’t it?”

“I just washed off, tho. I coulda… Yer gettin under my skinnnn, girl.”

“The bad kind?” Angry thrusts up a little harder and it makes her moan. “Mmmm…”

“Yeah. Yer makin me kinda angry…”, he says with a scowl.

She looks back at Angry underneath her and he’s smiling large and she starts laughing hard.

“And Angry is Smiley! I got you boys all switched up and everything. Hahahaaa! This is amazing!”

Smiley grunts and gets on the bed. He moves up right behind her and puts his hand on her back and starts pushing her down, somewhat aggressively, so she’s laying flat on top of Angry. He grabs the lube laying on the bed and proceeds to get him and her wet again and then he enters her. She notices he’s being less gentle this time and it makes her grimace. 

“Nahoya…please. I know you want to dominate me. But not like this. Please, let go of all that shit and enjoy this. There is nothing but good goin on here and you are exactly where you really want to be right now, anyway. I know it. You know it. So don’t make this a fight. Be happyyyy, Smiley.” 

She smiles at him with her most charming smiles.

He grunts again, but he ends in a smile as well. “It’s a damn good thing you are what you are because if it was anyone else…” He lays down flat on her, mirroring what she’s doing to Angry and pushes deep into her. “Let’s just say this would be going veeerry differently than it is.” His butt and thigh muscles flex and relax over and over and his back arches just a bit each time he moves forward into her.

She’s losing it already. She tries to catch her breath and opens her eyes to look at Souya. “You ok, hon? Yer not getting squished, are you?”

He shakes his head. “I’m ok. I can take it. I know you think I’m weak…” He looks away. Clearly this thought brought a not so good feeling with it, she could see it in his eyes.

“What? Noooo… I know you’re strong…” She moves her head right next to his ear and whispers, “I bet you’re even stronger than he is, aren’t you?”

He doesn’t respond except to smile and thrust his hips to get in her even deeper. She rewards him with a lovely hot moan right in his ear. It makes him harder and he grabs her hips and does his best to get in as deep as he can. 

“Nahoya! Lift up on your arms!”, Angry barks.

“Fine.”

With his movements no longer impeded he begins thrusting more freely and more deeply. Smiley responds in like manner and once again she is caught up in the beautiful harmony of their movements. She never wants it to end.

They end as before: shuddering, sputtering and drenched. They take a break for a bit and then continue on once again and this goes on late into the night.

When not one of them has an ounce of fluid or strength left, they fall into a pile on the bed. Angry starts laughing which makes Smiley laugh which makes her laugh. 

“Holy shit! That was…wow”, she says once she can stop laughing.

“Fuck! I think I might just love you, girl”, Smiley says with a grin, his hand lazily stroking his penis. He doesn’t really mean it, though. But when Angry replies with, “Me too!”, you can just tell that he does.

“Well, we kinda already knew that, bro.”

Her eyes are already getting heavy. “And Aya makes 3.” They hear a little half-asleep giggle and an “Mmm….” and then nothing is heard from her for the rest of the night. She was fast asleep in the arms of her lovers.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1992 I am now with my nieces at my sister’s house. Becky really wanted to see me write in my journal. So, that is exactly what I’m doing.

Lisa helped me with Sarah and showed me how to prepare her bottle. Then, we changed her diaper and put her down for her nap. I am doing my laundry. In another half an hour I will go downstairs and check it.

Becky brushed my hair. She did a good job.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 1992 I am listening to some of the edits now but soon I’m gonna go to sleep.

Earlier Fran called me with Andy on his 3-way. Fran called Andy first cuz Andy can’t call long-distance either. A new policy just went into effect as too many people are stiffing the phone co. He has to have his long-distance blocks on for a year as he’s a new customer and he put down a $175 deposit. That really sucks. He has a letter he’s working on for me. He already has 11 pages done and he read me the first page. He also wrote a song for me which was nice and he’s working on my tapes. While he’s making my tapes, he’s also gonna tape Rick and Nervous for Fran. Fran’s been wanting that for quite a while now. Andy also said he taped Gloria’s concert from the Disney channel, but I told him Tammy beat him to it. Lastly, he wants more bracelets and to remember the beach this August.

Oh, I’ve been thinking about that beach, alright. That’s for damn sure. All I’ve been dying to do is wear summer clothes, go to the beach, go swimming and get a tan.

I hope Jessie and Cassandra come see me. I really really miss Cassandra and I thank God in a way that she’s out of my life. I never wrote about it but I am glad I didn’t know her too long. I think I was developing a little too much liking for her. Of course, I never had the guts to tell her even though knowing her, she’d be flattered. That lady really believed in me and truly admired me and told me many times I was pretty. Who knows what was really going through her mind? I used to wonder and I still do. She knew, though, where my feelings stand as far as relationships go and also that I’d be moving.

Kim, I doubt I’ll ever see, but that’s ok.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1992 I am scared to go to bed. Well, not scared of going to bed, scared of waking up. Every morning I’ve been waking up wheezing like hell and I also think my lungs are bleeding. When I cough up it tastes like blood and I’ve never had that before. Yellow and green and brownish color is supposed to mean an infection. They just gave me another round of antibiotics and the same old shit’s right back again as usual. Same thing with down below. I think some people are immune to antibiotics and also some people’s infections are permanent. It sure has gone on now for 3 years and gets worse each year.

Since I’m so young and so trapped and not one of the very lucky and very few who can quit smoking for good, I wish I’d die. I hate feeling like this and how it’s blocking me from singing without coughing. Even though I’m sure at this day and age I’d never be a singer anyway. I wish they’d just say, “Hey, don’t worry about quitting, which you can’t do, or suffering anymore. You’re gonna die soon of lung cancer or emphysema anyway.”

Later…

I woke up feeling pretty good, thank God.

What’s taking Andy so long to call me back? Maybe he’s mad at me, but it’s not my fault I’ve been busy and moved earlier than we thought. Fran hasn’t called back yet, but that’s easy to understand. He lost my number. I’m not gonna call him 3 or 4 times till he gets it straight. I hope Bob, Kim and Jessie call soon, too. I miss Cassandra and I hope everything’s ok with her.

Next Friday I have an appointment with an asthma doctor on March 4th I’ll see a new therapist named Barbara G. I hate having to start all over again and wonder if she’s good, bad, fat, ugly, pretty or skinny? What matters is her ability to understand me without putting words in my mouth and misjudging me. From the sound of her name, I imagine an older, gray-haired lady. Oh well, that part doesn’t matter even though you’re naturally curious to see the face of the person you’re gonna spill your life story out to.

I can’t believe no one’s knocked on my door yet. If they do, I’m not answering unless they call first.

I’d like to maybe start looking for a good time but now I have two more reasons to hesitate. One is that I don’t have a real bed set up. Two is that my living in a dump is all the more reason to attract losers. I’d have to get ahold of the personals like an Advocate or something. As far as calling a number I got from the CC, I don’t know. My biggest concern, naturally, is sorting through the many butches with the hope of finding an ultra-feminine woman who’s attractive. And mutually attractive to me too, of course, cuz I’m so feminine. It’s one thing to meet someone and talk to them that you know is only gonna be a friend. I can handle that. It’s talking to a potential sex partner that gets tricky. I’m always so on guard and self-conscious. Especially if God forbid she is pretty. I’m always wary of what to say or do and question the things I’ve already done and said. This is my one and only case where I’m so shy rather than just unsure, skeptical and in doubt of someone. Where do I begin? What do I do? Do I just do what I’ve done in the past?

Someone’s fucking knocking on my door! It was Jennifer and I told her I was busy, and from now on I’m not answering my fucking door. I really like her and the other kids, but they’re getting on my nerves. How many times will it take for them to get it? To call me first? 50 more times? I’d rather have my train of thought rudely interrupted by the phone.

As far as going about meeting women, I think I’ll just sit on it for a while. I’d want what I’ve always fantasized about. A gorgeous cop. But not with the way they can abuse the law if they have a beef with you. They use their badge as a weapon to enforce their personal lives to meet their approval. Or the lives of others, if they want to. They can make it better or worse depending on who and what you are. I wouldn’t trust her even though I highly doubt I’d have to think about it or worry about it. As if I’d ever really meet a gorgeous female cop and get her in bed? Yeah, right. Dream on, even though dreaming sure is a hell of a lot of fun. You know me, I’d rather dream before I ever settle. Dreaming’s no crime and I sure as hell don’t feel guilty about it. I can tell fantasy from reality, whether I like it or not.

Later…

I sang 3 songs which were better than any other times I’ve sung since I moved. However, I’m still pretty congested and my chest feels tight and heavy. I’m being very careful and trying to discipline myself with the smokes. I’d like to wake up alive tomorrow too, and not half dead. I’ve upped my meds a little which Dr. Leitch advised me to do a while back. The Theodur makes you wicked spastic, though, and I’m plenty energetic enough.

I let Shadow run around outside again today. He gets to be a real pain in the ass and I can’t trust him. When I want to write, listen to music or watch TV, I don’t want to have to keep jumping up to be sure he’s not destroying anything. When I leash him down, he conveniently thrashes his leash around which is metal and tangles himself up. I want to get him a rope leash which is quiet and hard to tangle as it’s slippery. Then he can trash his litter box which is already one big toy and a way to make a mess. Never have I ever heard of a cat who gets off on me cleaning up after him and hitting him. I hit him and he comes back for more, stands still, lets me do it, has a grin on his face, then gets all lovey-dovey. You’d think that any cat who’s really afraid would behave better and cats aren’t stupid either.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1992 I called and scheduled an appointment with an asthma doctor and a therapist. I got my check in the mail from Peter and I’m gonna cash that tomorrow as well as stop at the office for a copy of my lease and to show her Shadow’s papers. I need to show Mary Jane that Shadow’s been neutered and vaccinated. They say you can only have 1 small dog or cat. It can’t exceed 25 pounds or 12” in height. Shadow’s shorter than 12”. His head’s a little over that but I’ll have to ask Mary Jane about his tail. I was cracking up thinking, what about his tail. Is that ok? Cuz his tail is definitely above 12” when he stands it straight up.

Both the electric and phone companies are at Thames Plaza. Maybe I can get that taken care of tomorrow. I’ll reschedule the cable now that I’ve got Peter’s check for $131.25.

I gave Bob a call and he said he’ll call me when he can afford it. He has a high phone bill.

When I looked in my teddy bear phonebook to write new numbers in I said, “Holy shit!” I knew I’d written in Andy’s new apartment number but had totally forgotten he did give me his new phone number. With all that’s been going on, I’d forgotten all about it and figured he wasn’t moving yet. I normally would never forget something like that.

Also, I called Kim and left her a message. I told her now I got this dump fixed up but there’s a problem. Every time I look out my window I see cactuses and palm trees. Why? Am I losing my mind? Then, I finished by telling Mark to say hi to Lisa S and to tell Laurie H it’d come in handy for her to know we could do some handy things together. Also, Gloria and Linda say hi. Hahahahaha!

I’ve written letters to Fran, Nervous, Kim and Bob, and to Andy and Cassandra. Perhaps, I can write to Kacey, Hank, Mattie, Jenny, and Maliheh again someday. They’d love that. Maliheh’s sure to have gotten her letter by now.

I’m pretty tired now and am gonna hit the sack. God, do I ever hope I do not wake up wheezing! It’s been worse since I moved here. I should take my breathalyzer one more time to be sure.

Later…

Today I learned a few more things. Yesterday Layne and her friend showed me the path to Price Rite. As Tammy had said, the bank is right across the street. I deposited most of Peter’s check.

The girls and I browsed through TJ Max which is a clothing store. It’s ok and lots of the stuff was on sale. I have seen on TV, magazines and other people thousands of outfits I’d kill for. I can’t wait till I can go shopping after I buy a washer and dryer. I bought a really pretty barrette with gold stars hanging off and a maroon scrunchy ponytail holder with black string fringes around it. Also, 4 packs of smokes with 2 free lighters and a bag of bite-size Milky Way bars.

I stopped at the office on the way back. The girls showed me how to get to it by circling around. It was a long walk, but fun. Mary Jane was busy so another girl photocopied Shadow’s papers, had me sign a form and they also want a picture of him for their files. That’s stupid but I guess it’s to see the animal’s size.

Upon reaching the office, the girls continued back. I walked back afterward, and the mailman was there with my CDs from Columbia House. I was so psyched!

I danced for an hour and a half and then vacuumed, changed Shadow’s box, and my bed. My cushion chair, I should say.

Someone just knocked on my door which I did not answer. I told these kids 10,000 times to call me first. Layne and Jenny were here earlier and Tammy was too sick to drop by today. Tammy was gonna pick me up so I could do my laundry and Bill was gonna bring me home. He hasn’t seen the place all fixed up. I guess Saturday or Sunday I’ll be at their house. Also, they need me to babysit.

I still have zillions of dishes, pots, glasses, mugs and silverware to wash. I will do that shortly and take a nice long, hot, relaxing bath. I’ll also watch more videos and write more letters.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1992 Before I left Massachusetts, I got a letter from Andy. Apparently, he wrote it at work with some friend who also works there. She also wrote a page.

I think today’s Andy’s birthday. He’s 30 years old if it is.

Later…

Again I woke up with a slight attack. Therefore, I’m nervous about even going to bed. But I’ve got to, don’t I? I must keep on schedule, which is, of course, easy to do cuz of next door. I’ve only slept till noon or 1:00 twice since I’ve been here and I’ve been here for 10 days now.

This Thursday I’ll be babysitting for the girls all day. Tomorrow, I’ve got to call to cancel the cable till I make sure I get and cash Peter’s check. I must also call for an asthma doctor, a dentist and a therapist. I must also call the electric company and go to Thames Plaza for my phone hook-up discount. Lastly, get my lease copied for Sheila.

At 10:30 this morning Tammy came over with the girls and we went to McDonald’s. After we went to Price Rite, she showed me around a bit, then dropped me off back here.

I spoke with Barbara and Jenny for a while. Barbara was sad due to her husband Dave’s mom dying. Barbara had already lost her mom and her brother when he was only 18. After that, Layne came over and she showed me a path in some woods that lead right to Price Rite. On our way back we swung on some swings out in the back of other projects a few buildings down. I also met Layne’s mom.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1992 Well, not too much has happened since I last wrote. The family next door continues to wake me up every fucking morning. So far, in a way, they’ve been doing me a favor by keeping me on schedule. However, if there was a night that I was up very late and wanted to sleep late - forget it. School or not, it’s a zoo over there as early as 7 AM.

Like I said, the place is fully decorated now but it’s such a dump. I’m just going to pretend I love it here as much as I can. For a girl who’s so open, honest and blunt, I’ve decided to not kiss ass and lie, but pretty much keep my mouth shut. With personal issues. Not all of them but mostly depending on what I feel my mother and sister could handle. Mom could care less, and Tammy - well - she’s partially a different story. It’s like she can and cannot handle shit. I mean heavy-duty shit or stuff she’s not into or knows so little about. She’s not stupid and she does care and understand somewhat, but she’s always been a billion times moodier and hysterical than me. And I can get quite bad at times. We both learn to deal with shit better as we grow older. Everyone does. But my moods are blown over and done with quickly. I’m able to somehow, as hard as it can be, find a way to laugh and cheer myself up. Tammy’s moods drag on and on forever and it’s always something new. The issues that have frustrated me in the past, and partially now, are only 3 or 4 issues. With her, it’s both old news and a new problem each time I see her. Although Tammy’s taken after Mom in several ways and she and I are complete opposites, there’s not a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for her if I could compared to that fucking control freak mother of ours. That little fucking bitch had the nerve to both tell me how I should and I do and I will feel about living here. How she should’ve put her foot down 3 years ago about me living here. I tell her how the timing was off, I needed to sit on it for a while for many other reasons other than Andy, I’m an adult who’ll make up her own fucking mind. When and if I’m ready to. Then, she tells me that’s what parents are for.

I asked, “To control me?”

She says, “Yes.”

I answered, “When someone’s under 18, that’s the time to do what you want them to do and not be supportive of their decisions.” Of course, I wasn’t in the mood to get into the Brattleboro Retreat and bring up other stuff.

When are these people gonna live their lives only? Stop telling people how to live, what to do, say, wear? Offering totally false, stupid, immature, ignorant, crude, unnecessary opinions? When are people gonna stop playing with my head? Stop contradicting me? Stop leading me on? Stop lying to me and misjudging me and calling me a liar? Let me be myself? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!?

It gets easier and easier to see myself dumping them one of these days. Soon, they’re gonna lose kid number two. And as we all know, I’m half on Larry’s side and the other half resents him, but it’s gonna be two gone, one more to go. They’re not worth it. They’re not my type and I can’t deal with people like that in my life anymore.

Well, enough of that shit and all that bitching. However, as I said before, here’s where I’ll do my bitching as well as the happy or so-so stuff. For Tammy, I’ll put on a happy face within reason as much as I can. The few issues I’ve been dealing with, she knows about. Like music and wanting more one-nighters with “real” women. Other than that, my asthma and the dive, all is usually well.

Earlier we all went to Friendly’s for ice cream. Tammy, Bill and the 3 girls, plus a friend of Lisa’s. Tammy was in a tense pissed-off mood. What it was all about, who knows? I couldn’t hear all that well over the girls and the crowd in the place.

Our waiter was a definite fem who reminded me of Andy. Andy, Tammy and I ate lunch in there a long time ago. In the “No Fags Allowed” section of Norwich (NFA). Bill said it stands for Norwich Free Academy. I knew that, but once I swore to Andy it was National Football Association. Andy insisted it was a police academy. So, in the end, we agreed to keep it as No Fags Allowed till we found out for sure.

I met Mary Jane when I walked into the office to sign the lease which is month to month and give her a check. The rent’s $139, not $138. Oh well. She’s pitifully ugly yet very nice. When she was going through stuff like the rent, power and dumpster, she pulls out the eviction policy and says, “We don’t have to worry about this.” I thought, gee thanks. How kind of you.

The shirt I wore to Friendly’s has long sleeves but doesn’t cover my whole forearm when I reach out. First I was hit with Bill asking what happened and I said, “You know what happened.”

He said, “No, I don’t know. How could I know?”

I said softly, “A few months ago. You know, as in setback.”

He said, “Oh.” And that was that.

Luckily Tammy was in the bathroom so she could be spared a fit or a heart attack. The second time I went to reach for the ashtray in the center of the table and every person at the table took a good long hard glance at it. Even though Cassandra said I’m not a bad person for doing it, and to learn from it, I’m angry at myself and trying my best to block it out. That stops me from being so angry about what I did. If I block it out, I mean. Most things I can face, express and discuss head-on. So you know if I’m that angry, it hurts. It really hurts and I hate myself for it. Otherwise, I’m basically happy with who, how and what I am.

Jessie, Kim, Bob and Cassandra are the only ones that have my new address and number. As I said, I’ve spoken to Jessie 3 times. Cassandra may call and I may call and write her a letter. She also says she may come to see me this summer. I know Jessie will be here soon, but I doubt I’ll ever see Kim or Bob again in my life. Yes, I will write to them. All they ever talk about is getting my crazy letters with all our lines. Maybe Bob will call me someday. He told Kim, “I miss that little shit.” Tonight I tried to call him collect but it wouldn’t go through. I did leave a message on Ann Marie’s machine. I hope to get another good time in the sack with her, but good luck to myself. Kim called me the day I moved in. I was cracking up when she told me Mark said he misses me. That I was honest, friendly and funny. I know he always liked me but many people have been slightly freaked out by my energy and uniqueness at first till they get to know me. Then when I’m gone, it’s so quiet and they miss me.

Funny thing is, though, when I moved, I told myself I’d dump everyone. Even considered Andy. But then I said why do that? Especially when he’s so far away and we don’t have to deal with each other on a regular basis? Now, I don’t know what I’ll do but Fran and Nervous are old news. That is for sure. I do miss shooting the shit with Fran though. Maybe I can write to him and enclose my number in time. For now, I’ll leave him both mad and wondering. He knew I was planning a move here. I told Tammy to give Andy my number if he calls. When I got my new number, it was too late. He’d already changed his as he said he was going to. Then, when he tried to call me, I’d already split and no one knew it’d be so soon. Andy’s new phone is in his own name, but he’s not listed. What’s taking him so long to call Tammy for my number? Either he’s busy, not in the mood to be lectured by Tammy or Tammy lied about telling me she’d give him my number. But would she lie? We promised each other no bullshit and to say “no” rather than yes and bullshit one another. I can always write him a letter and find out whatever is going on.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1992 I am fully unpacked now. The place is decorated so it looks a little nicer. It is one major dive of a shoebox, though. It needed all the help it could get.

I met my neighbors next door, Barbara, Dave, and their 4 kids. They have a 4-bedroom which is quite bigger than mine. Even their kitchen and living room are much bigger.

My living room is smaller than the bathroom I had in S. Dfld. Stand in the center of the living room here, take just two steps, front, back, left and right and you’ll hit the wall. I have also met about 10 of the kids here who are nice. Barbara and Dave are nice, too. There’s this 9-year-old girl named Layne who’s been here every day along with other kids. She’s a very sweet kid and was a great help the day I moved in. She helped me finish decorating the walls last night. The funny thing about it is that these people came to me. I never initiated the first step to meeting them. They’re cool, however, I don’t want to keep meeting people. Especially those who live here so as to avoid any problems which may occur. As you know, I’ve learned some valuable lessons the hard way. I’ve no intention of causing any trouble but trouble very well may come to me that I haven’t asked for or deserve. I’m not going through that shit again if I can help it.

Tammy’s been a great help till I get my checks and the check Peter owes me. She bought me groceries and I’ll pay her back on March 1st. I also must get some shades and save for a washer and maybe a dryer.

The cable people will be here next Tuesday. The sucky thing about it is that you cannot even get regular TV without cable. Such as NBC, ABC and CBS as there’s no antenna on the roof. It’s at least an automatic $18 monthly if you want any TV at all. I got a new bank which is where Tammy’s account is. I signed up for Direct Deposit and have taken care of SS. All I must do now is go to the phone company for my hookup discount and the utility people, too.

I called the CC which is different from Springfield and Northampton. They’re both very small and there are two numbers. One for emergency services and another called Contact if you really want to talk and get shit off your chest. They’re both 24-hour services. The girl I spoke to gave me some referrals as far as places to go for therapy.

I’m far from ready to meet someone for a one-nighter now, but cuz the Ann Maries of this world are so few and far between, I must get started soon. By the time I ever meet a woman I’m attracted to who also is attracted to me (if I’m so lucky again), I’ll be ready. Especially if it is a year or so from now as it’s likely to take that long.

My nieces have been here a few times and I’ve enjoyed seeing them. All 3 of them spent a couple of hours here while Bill and Tammy went to her doctor. They had a nice time and Sarah never cried once. I gave Lisa my number and she and I spoke for quite a while on my second night here.

When they come here, they love for me to do their hair and put makeup on them. They also have a kick for “grown-up” shoes. My black high-heeled pumps fit Lisa perfectly. And Layne, too. They’re both almost my size.

Tammy also lent me several movies so I don’t even need any movie channel.

Tammy also said she was impressed with how well I did with the girls and with putting makeup on them. It was sort of funny as I’ve done that before.

The funniest thing she said was that she envied me. I laughed and said how I envy Gloria. Speaking of Gloria, I saw the tape they taped for me off the Disney channel. She looked hot and I’d kill for the clothes she wore. What taste she has which is exactly the same as mine!

Tammy also taped Law & Order and Reasonable Doubts. Marlee Matlin looked gorgeous as usual, too.

I am not using my waterbed here as there’s no room for it. I’m sleeping on my folding chair/bed cushion. It’s more comfortable than the couch as the couch tilts at an angle.

Mom and Dad called to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day, and Dad said I was always good at decorating and to have fun with that. Yeah, it’s been great fun, alright. I couldn’t put up a fraction of my picture collection if I wanted to cuz there’s so little space. I have a few pictures of Gloria in my bedroom. Most of my other stuff is up everywhere.

As for the clothesline out back, well, no way can I use it for the most part. Not in this area with kids all over and all kinds of people. Perhaps clothes I don’t care about all that much like T-shirts, jeans, sweatpants and sweatshirts. Dresses, skirts, halter tops and shorts I’d rather not as they are what I like best and I’d rather not take the chance of them being stolen. My underwear, no way! As I told Tammy, my underwear isn’t all that plain and simple. It’s just a wee bit on the sexy side. Sexy pieces of dental floss, Kacey and Brenda used to say.

Jessie called twice and I got my suits in the mail. That did get all screwed up with all the moving as I knew Jessie better. She’d never fuck me over like that. It was funny, though, when they arrived. Tammy was here when we heard them tossed inside the screen door. Tammy opens the inner door, pulls it up and says, “Gee, the mailman must’ve got his jollies for sure with this.” There was a little tear in the envelope and hanging out from it was one of the tops.

Jessie’s gonna drive down sometime soon. She’s still trying to find her real mother. She’s not certain she lives here in Norwich where the adoption agency is she was adopted from. She doesn’t even know her name. I told her I will help her if I can. If she gets a name, I’ll look it up and give her the information if it’s listed. She knows she has two older sisters and that one’s deaf.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1992 Norwich…

I am here in the new place in Norwich, CT as of yesterday and I absolutely hate it! Other than having my rent be only $138 and some family close by, it absolutely sucks. The apartment is a complete dump and it’s half the size of the Oswego St. apartment. I always swore that apartment was almost the smallest and the worst I ever lived in. Even Oswego St. is heaven compared to this one. Not the neighborhood, although this one isn’t too much better. It’s a little seedy and the apartment is filthy. The floors and walls are ok but the place is caked with dirt. The windows, all the kitchen appliances, except for the refrigerator and stove. The tub is huge but there’s no shower so I have to wash my hair in my kitchen sink unless I do it while I’m in the tub. The bathroom was filthy too.

The worst part of it is all the neighbors. Tammy and I are gonna talk to Mary Jane tomorrow as I’ve never even known such noise could exist. They make more noise than I have in my whole life in only one hour. Mary Jane never told me part of the adjacent apartment was over mine. Also that the kids climb out their bedroom window onto the roof which is my living room ceiling. They run all around the outside by my place screaming, too. They bang, stomp and scream inside their place. I cannot even stay in my bedroom and hear myself think. It’s hard enough to do so here in my living room where I am now.

It is totally horrendous and I’ve got to get the fuck out!

Tammy says something can be done about it. Yeah, right. Like what? There are 4 kids over there. What are you gonna do? Chain them to a chair? There’s never even a 30-second period where I can’t hear a noise of some kind. When their phone rings, I think it’s mine. I can hear every word they say and I’m half deaf. I couldn’t even take a nap as I was so tired and still am. I’m not going to bed until midnight if this shit keeps up like it did till midnight last night.

I have very much more to write about but I will another time. I’m too tired, pissed, sad and I just want to throw my headphones on, keep them on and drown out the noise. Of course, I’ll still feel the vibrations of them dropping or moving shit as they do every other second.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1992 I had a great day today. First I called Chief B and either this Wednesday or Thursday I’ll see him, Carol and Harry about my tapes.

Tomorrow, I see Sheila, but I canceled tonight with Cassandra. Cassandra called me, luckily, as I left the message with her son at her house. We’re going to possibly meet Wednesday around noon, but she said, she’d leave a message on my machine verifying the exact date and time.

Bob picked me up at 10:00. From there we went to Greenfield where I bought Linda’s new CD all in Spanish. It’s called Mas Canciones and there are 12 songs. On the cover, she looks good.

I also got 2 new journals so now I have 27 of them.

After that, we picked up Sandra at their place in Turners Falls and went to Food Fart back in Greenfield. I spent $70 but not all on food. I got a plant, a plant hanger and these really cute things all for a buck each. Besides two new pens, I got all these magnet things. Three were of flowers with lace around the edges and a cheerful saying on them like, “home is where you hang the heart.” Each one has different colors and they’re cute. A wooden teddy bear magnet with a clothes clip attached to it. I clipped my calendar onto it. Two memo boards that are the cutest of all. They’re small. Only around 5x7 with the pen attached to it and when you write, you can erase it with a damp paper towel or napkin. They’re both two different teddy bear designs and are oh-so-adorable.

Bob gave me some planting soil and repotted the plant I got today. I cut little clippings off of both of them and stuck them in a glass of water. I have extra pots Bob gave me for when they root. I’m gonna make zillions of offspring from these originals. He also gave me a mug holder he made that holds six mugs and another wooden figurine.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1992 I spoke briefly to Bob and now I’m doing two loads of laundry.

Any minute, beginning tomorrow, I should have a definite moving date. They managed to get a couple of guys from the fire department to move me. Bill will be coming up with them unless he has to work. If he has to work, Tammy will come up.

Shadow’s being all lovey-dovey, of course, after doing a few things that really pissed me off.

Another thing that really irks me is TV. Are the writers on strike or something like that? Everything is all repeats and I thought they don’t rerun the shows till the summer. There have been very very few new shows. Unsolved Mysteries is always showing repeats and with all the crime in this world, you’d think they could come up with new shows.

I wish I could just pack up and get the hell out of here. I’m so goddamn bored and this place is a disaster. I just want to get it all packed and take the fuck off.

Later…

I just sang a few songs. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here remembering and missing some of the old times. Some of the not-so-cool times now make me laugh. At least there was more excitement than I experienced living here, although I don’t prefer to relive certain experiences. Also, it’s not to say that I’ve had no excitement here of a bad nature because I certainly have!

Tomorrow morning I have to call Chief B. I have to see Sheila at 10:15 on Tuesday.

Besides fun memories of Andy and other people, I sure miss Nervous in certain ways. What a source of great entertainment he was being the sucker that he is. For a lot of people. Not just me. Even though Nervous was a sucker and had a number of things about him people resented, we all liked him nonetheless. Nervous and I have had many great talks and he’s done me many favors I really appreciated. Many things wouldn’t have been impossible, but very tough without his help. I miss his spying and playing the crossed-call-waiting game with him.

I wish Andy would call, and one future event I’m really looking forward to is the beach. I’m staying with him for 4 nights and 5 days. I’m looking more and more forward to having summer hurry up and arrive. Always thinking about swimming, tanning and summer clothes. Getting into shape too, even though people say I look fine. I’m getting more and more muscular with time but I really want to get rid of this bloat and pull my inner thighs in a bit.

I laughed when one of Dr. Leitch’s nurses said I was small-framed and also, according to my height, I should be between 103-113 pounds.

Later…

Thank God I was never left-handed. How could I play the guitar if I was? Someone once said to turn the guitar around and I burst out laughing. That’s even more impossible than reading both upside down and backward at once. You’d literally have to change the entire chord patterns.

God, am I gonna miss this apartment! It isn’t worth the 100% isolation, though, that’s for sure.

I know life will never be anywhere near the life I really want. I will feel useless and unfulfilled and rather sad and angry at times but I sure hope it’s better than this. There’s got to be a better life and a way to settle happily for second best. A way to settle down.

I just put Shadow in the stairwell and he better not claw the door. What am I gonna do about him when I move? I sure as hell can’t let him roam around freely while I’m out or asleep. He’ll claw my bedroom door and trash the place and run around. I’d like to get a longer leash that’s a rope type of material rather than this metal chain. He’ll clatter that all over the place. I want to get him a longer leash, too. I haven’t seen the layout of this place on the inside or outside yet, but he must be leashed down. Hopefully, that can be outdoors as he’s a very disrespectful and destructive cat at times and I will not put up with babysitting him. Or cat-proofing my whole entire place. Leashing him down indoors will do no good if he’s that determined to piss me off. You know how he likes to be hit at times and yelled at.

I just got up, went into the stairwell and did something to guarantee he doesn’t wake me up tonight. I took two barrettes, a very long extension cord, and his leash. Hooked his leash to his collar, clamped one barrette to one end of the extension cord, clamped the other barrette and the other end of the cord to a scarf tied onto the railing.

Later…

I just left Kim a note and stuck my answering machine inside my cabinet. I do that so as not to be woken up by its clicking as it resets itself. I hate that. The good thing about it is, though, if I’m up and have forgotten to turn on my ringer and someone calls it clicks right before and after their message. If they leave one. Fran or maybe even Andy will probably try calling tonight.

Well, I’ve got to go and at least lay down at this point. I have written a total of 42 pages between my last journal and the beginning of this one. I’m still in the kitchen so I’m gonna get my tired butt out of this chair and move on into the bedroom. I wish early evening would just hurry up and arrive so I can go to sleep.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1992 When I woke up, there was a message from Fran. I wish he or Andy would call me now.

Jessie told me she mailed out my 3 bathing suits. True to my doubt I never got them. Why is she doing this to me? What is the point? Why does she feel the great need to lie to me and keep those suits? She’s always been 100% honest with me so why is she pulling this on me now? I’ve never lied to her or borrowed anything from her and refused to return it.

Later…

I spoke with Bob for a little while then took all my pictures down. I took them down from the bedroom, living room, and stairwell.

Just as soon as Sugar Loaf Market opens, I am gonna go get ciggies, cat food, munchies and that Lactaid. I hope they have it. This bloating’s driving me nuts. It’s gonna put stretch marks on me something horrible. And believe me, I already have tons of stretch marks, craters, and scars. My skin’s so blotchy, too. I wish I had a smoother complexion. I hope Sugar Loaf Market sells it cuz who knows when I can get it with Kim if I have to go to Greenfield.

Bob says he can probably take me grocery shopping early Monday morning.

I haven’t done more editing yet, but I was listening to some tapes. I guess I’ll go hear some more.

Later…

I went to Sugar Loaf Market and they don’t have that Lactaid. Neither does Cumberland. I did spend $27, though. I got a carton of smokes as well as some food.

No mail at all today.

Fucking Jessie pisses me off. I’m so disappointed with that little fuck. And shocked as I never figured she’d pull something like this on me. I know she’s in school and has a kid and when you’ve got a kid you’ve got no life but there’s still no excuse.

Tammy’s taping Gloria tomorrow night which is great. I really do appreciate her doing that.

Tomorrow I have to change Shadow’s box and clean up a bit. At least try to neaten and organize stuff better. When you’re gonna move, yet not right away, it can become quite confusing. Especially when you’re only half-packed and you cannot pack everything at once cuz you know there’s stuff you’ll still need.

I vow never to give up writing like I gave up reading. Giving up reading isn’t something I wanted to do. It just happened. I can’t get into it anymore. I wish it didn’t happen that way cuz I loved reading very much. I really used to enjoy it but I guess writing is very different.