#words and terms and feelings are hard
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i'm ethan and i was wrong
i'm singing the ethan wrong song
i shouldn't have called myself kin
now here's my remorseful dance
[realized i'm fictionhearted not fictionkin yippeee]
#or at least for the moment#idk my feelings on it change often#like yeah. i'm not literally the guy from the source. i don't have kin memories as far as i know now#but also HE'S LITERALLY FUCKING ME#sighhhh.#i said it before and i'll say it again#words and terms and feelings are hard#anyway this is my conclusion for the moment#i need to actually try and not question myself too much on it for once#ethan's yapping again
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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I want to post this here too because I’ve seen it happen a few times
Please understand that there are cultural differences and language differences, if you see this happening let the person clarify what they meant, that person might just not be familiar with words the western side of the internet use
#bearz rambling tag#no it’s not really possible to let everyone who uses this term to change#because as far as I know this is the most common word with use on Chinese websites#I didn’t know that pairing are called ‘ship’ here#like why would I even know that#‘ship’ makes zero sense to me#it took me a while to learn the fandom language people speak here#it’s hard#give people time#shipping culture is very different too#Like on Chinese site you HAVE to clarify the Top and the Bottom of this ship in the ship name#it is very very important to them#people who like the same ship but with different Top Bottom preference will fight till no end#imagine how confused I was when I first got here#where there’s no top bottom differences#it’s not really a smut thing#it’s more a dynamic thing#AxB and BxA is very different#oh I can talk so much about the differences on fandom cultures#if ya are interested in more please feel free to ask#it’s very interesting to me#I wanna talk about it
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anyway seems to me like a flaw in basing your book about 17yos who've been to hell and back on the characterization of the baby-faced adaptations of them at 12 would be that well.. they aren't 12 anymore
#i cant stop thinking about how percy annabeth and grover all seem to have either regressed in terms of book canon character dev#or adopted the insecurities etc. of their 12yo show counterparts#and im just.. like what are we doing here#rr crit#wottg#pjo#having a hard time putting words to this idk#but theres something about the lack of maturity in all three of them that almost feels forced#when you look at both show and book canon#bc hypothetically show canon is still five years behind
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nameless bard ameno archon au.............
#i feel like he'd be. more stubborn and serious than venti is#in terms of confrontation that is#i imagine that their dynamic is. it was mostly bard who rallied people for the rebellion with his words and music#leading charges with his lyre and music#and venti was an equal in terms of being the bard's beloved friend#but in terms of leading humans? Venti didn't do much. couldn't do much#so it was the nb who was a leader to the humans and rebels while venti was support with his wind#and also got to fool around and play pranks on others while they were focused on nb#leading to barbatos' later 'hey lets play lets play lets play' attitude while everyone else was like#'barbatos do some work'#au archon bard probably Visibly does work and has a more serious demenor about it#vs venti's yeah he keeps tabs on his people but he's playful about it#au where venti and nb are co(?)archons like ei and makoto and just screw around in mondstadt#enjoying their hard earned freedom. is that too much to ask. for them to be happy is that#au where they're alive and together and happy pls#genshin talk#......but can you also imagine au if venti was the one who died like kdlhfslkdfh statues of wisps around the city bc thats#the only form nb knew him as lol
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every day i have to hold my tongue when m-cd-nnis shippers start sounding like frat guys with the way they talk about dennis' Secret Feelings toward mac. hey man. i don't actually think you get it. i don't think you understand what's going on between them.
#HEY MAN. I DONT THINK DENNIS ~SECRETLY WANTS IT~ AND TJAT ITS GOOD ACTUALLY WHEN HE ASSAULTS HIM. CAN YOU BE NORMAL.#ada speaks#guyssss dennis is just secretly gayyyy its fiiiine mac is making him come to terms with itttt#he actually really wants all this despite his verbal protests you guysssss#fuck taking him at his word obviously dennis doesn't know what he wants !!!#like my brother in christ. when dennis says. It's Never Gonna Happen. Not Willingly.#he means it. the willingly part IS the important part#when dennis HAS a choice and when mac is not actively REMOVING that choice#THEN he is like. fine with it#but you people don't seem to understand what it is that mac is doing that dennis is opposed to#is it rlly that hard to understand that mac putting dennis into these situations like in ddl and gets romantic is intentional on mac's part#dennis' issue is. Always. he doesn't like being TRAPPED. key word.#this is why he resists time and time again not just with mac but with everything else he fights against#he doesnt like being out of control. he doesn't like being controlled. its not even that he wants to be the one in control#it's for protection#so when mac traps him. intentionally. in a way that is premeditated. when he knows he cant trust mac#why in gods name would he WILLINGLY consent to literally anything#like you look at the implication and the obvious parallels there#where he is recreating how he was made to feel#and its specifically about being trapped. PHYSICALLY in this sense#and you look at the fucking scripts and you see how many goddamn times the word TRAPPED is used#[GESTURES BROADLY]#like for the last time. dennis is not resistant to mac bc he has these latent desires he is in denial about.#he's resistant to mac because he doesn't trust him and doesn't want to be assaulted.#its about power. but consistently we see that dennis Doesnt Want Real Power he just wants enough to protect himself#like for fucks sake. yes. if dennis consents then obviously he's going to be fine with it#the problem is that mac doesn't care enough to get consent#and very specifically circumvents it instead. den isn't like. overreacting. he's right djskdjfkkf
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i get the impression that a lot of white yanks on the internet feel that making fun of (in particular) UK regional slang or accents or whatever is in some way punching down, when it actually makes you look like the exact same kind of arrogant, ignorant american stereotype that the rest of the world is embarrassed by. you're not throwing tea into the harbour right now or what the fuck ever, you're just making it extremely clear that you think america is the centre of the world, and you've never experienced anything to challenge that belief.
#especially when it's WHITE americans justifying this attitude with snide comments about historical english imperialism?#like babes that's you as well! that was YOUR ancestors!#it's like they see white english people as somehow Whiter than white americans.#or feel like they can slightly distance themselves from their own whiteness by making these jokes?#and obviously an english person getting their feelings hurt bc a yank insulted their accent/slang/food etc#is not the biggest injustice on the internet#but the momentum of the american cultural monopoly really is huge and hard to avoid#and it's just deeply annoying to see a bunch of americans on an internet that is already full of americans#smugly going 'um actually the word you use for this thing is wrong. nobody calls it that.'#when the rest of us already use american slang and consume american cultural exports#and edit our phrasing so americans won't be confused by encountering a term they haven't heard before.#when actually maybe it would do some of you some good to be exposed to unfamiliar things a bit more often.
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Honestly, having multiple older customers at my job encourage me to vote by telling me that "it's between freedom (trump) or socialism (harris)" or some other "vote trump" talking point has genuinely encouraged me to vote far more than any "vote blue" posts on this hellsite ever have. Like fuck yeah I'll vote for socialism cheers comrade
#simon says#obviously harris is not a socialist in any sense of the term#but old republicans think anything left of republican is socialism so it's really funny#like bb i dont think you know what socialism is#it has happened MULTIPLE times now#where someone gives me an passionate speech to vote for trump specifically while im working#and it just makes me very spiteful#i cannot understate just how much I HATE vote blue posts#everything about them is just annoying condescending mean and sometimes genuinely uninformed and often times very uncritical#every time I see a vote blue post it pushes me ever so further to voting 3rd party#but when a customer stops the conversation about cat products to evangelize about voting republican?#oh that will convince me more than anything else to vote bc they make it WAY more appealing#like they're genuinely nice and encouraging despite the bad political takes so it makes me feel good about voting#but they're also trying to get me to vote republican so hard that they end up making the other side look better than they are#idk it's hard to put into words
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soooooo guess what i learned about myself today
#i know i've said this a few times already but this time i mean it for realsies#i keep going back and forth and back and forth but i think i'm coming to terms w it#it's hard though because what do you MEAN these past two-ish years i spent as a straight girl might've been clouded by comphet??#i guess it makes sense though because in 2022 i decided 'HA this whole sexuality thing is dumb!! i'm straight now! n if i turn out not to b#i'll think about it later.' well guess what bestie. Later has arrived and it turns out you're GAY just like you believed you were at 13-16#me in january: 'my biggest goal for the year is to go to more male-dominated spaces and meet a guy and have a boyfriend!'#but is this comphet? it still doesn't feel quite right to call myself a lesbian or use the word comphet because it feels like appropriation#like i'm using a word i shouldn't. but listen i watched 'but i'm a cheerleader' and it stirred up feelings in me that i never knew existed#god.... i'm a homosexual?????????#<< i say whilst having a fem f/o#i'm so full of contradictions man. i'm a mess. i contain multitudes.#sapphic#lesbian#yapping#sorry for screaming into the void i just feel like i need to put these feelings out there for some validation otherwise i feel False
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2024 reads / storygraph
At The Feet Of The Sun
book 2 in a slow paced high fantasy duology*
the right hand of the emperor (who is off searching for an heir) struggles with what to do after passing on his responsibilities and also discovering various pieces of information that are mindblowing to him, personally,
after adventure is thrust upon him, he travels to find His Radiancy and they go on some otherworldly adventures while growing closer and figuring out the nature of their friendship
(*there’s extra novellas & i think another book coming? duology adjacent, currently,)
#At The Feet Of The Sun#lays of the heart-fire#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#giggling and kicking my feet. and also crying#bro the yearning….the yearning#I can definitely see why this loses people - it’s so long and very self indulgent#(listen. i enjoy it a lot . but does it need to be THAT long (i just checked. 375k? lord))#but it is easy to read and also very funny. it felt less repetitive than the first book to me#I did find it hard to keep track of some of the side characters though#The first world-travelling stuff caught me off guard initially - I feel like all the weird magic was more background in book 1?#or maybe I just didn't pay attention.#taking a step back it is a bit like - kip sure does achieve everything and then some and just continues to achieve everything huh#and it gets to a point where it's like.....okay yes I get he's so talented at this etc etc.#but I guess it’s a nice change of pace from the kingly swordfighting fantasy protagonist who’s perfect and wins everything -#someone whose skill is people and negotiation in a humble way is a bit more interesting. still. it maybe felt less grounded after a while?#the deep exploration of platonic yearning and desire for strong friendship and fear over that person just wanting romance/sex#when that’s Not what you want out of the relationship………#not to mention his complex feelings over meeting two people who were like his platonic soulmate rolemodels#and then finding out they just used that term because gay relationships weren’t accepted and trying to not be disappointed#(because gay is also good!) but also like. so lonely in feeling like nobody understands his desire for a platonic soulmate#to be treated equally as romantic relationships are. oof#I am a little baffled to see people interpret it as a romantic asexual relationship?#I feel like that does such a disservice to the . everything that has been set up in what 600k words of books#like the implication of that is that you think other romantic rships w/o sex are unheard of in this world. I find that hard to believe idk#(I mean - a bit romantic on fitzroy’s end; and in the nebulous queerplatonic area between friendship and romance; sure#but like a straight up romantic relationship just without sex - I don’t understand how it could be interpreted that way lol?)#(anyway other people’s interpretations don’t matter)#I do have questions about the telepathic dinosaur soulmates. you can’t just mention that and now show me them#also. kip being like 'wait there were sirens? i wonder if i can hire them' kshfkjsgkf#asexual books
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Alterous/queerplatonic culture is searching "queerplatonic definition", "queerplatonic relationship", "queer platonic partners" so that you can explain it to other people
#queerplatonic#alterous#qpr#aromantic#or maybe it's just me and my short term memory XD#It's hard to put feelings into words sometimes
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#A love nicknamed friendship#writing#poetry#<- this is like. BARELY poetry i feel. whatever i think it still counts? who cares….#2022#november 2022#November 4 2022#aroallo#aromantic#aromantic poetry#queer platonic#qpr#<- not really the word id use to describe it but close enough. but really im just not a fan of the term qpr#romance is already too vague and hard to understand i dont want an even VAGUER and less straightforward term. but whatever#oh also Cedar Fork is a ski trail at the resort i go to that has no lights so its closed at night. and i pretty much only go at night#(Also i SNOWBOARD. I do NOT ski. Just had to make that clear. Dont want anyone to think im a skier. thatd be really bad /j)
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unpopular opinion
making the reader insert AFAB while insisting they're "gender neutral" despite the only thing making them "GN" is using they/them pronouns is useless. just fucking write fem aligned reader then???
being out of the binary literally changes how people INTERACT WITH YOU!!! how people refer to you, not just with pronouns but with terms and phrases, ECT. OH MY GOD.
have you considered that maybe people can be dysphoric with certain wording?? HMM?? have you considered AMAB people read too?? I bet you haven't.
#📼 : rambles#coming from someone who identifies outside of the gender binary.#I am sick and tired of reading reader insert and then being described as “a human with a large chest” WHAT THE SHIT#afab trans people can feel validated with that kind of wording yes but if it's the ONLY sort of gender neutral available#I AM ALLOWED TO GET UPSET.#give me a flat chest#stop using fem body terms for “GN” reader PLEASE. PLEASE GOD JUST ONCE.#I know male reader and REAL GN exist but it's so rare and hard to find even in big fandoms oh my god#I myself am not a big reader insert person but dear lord. please
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Basically. Gender and sexuality and race and a Lot of other things are social and cultural concepts that are not like Facts or intrinsic and honestly I wish more people would realize that these are things we made up and there are no actual rules and everyone's experiences are different
#these are all just used to compartmentalize human diversity when p much everything is just a spectrum or a jumble and no word#or box will accurately fit or describe anyones experiences succinctly.#id include even some mental diagnoses in here as well like. adhd and autism are just words and diagnoses criteria made up to say#'if some has enough symptoms from this grab bag then they are This Thing'#when everyone likely has at least some.of these 'symptoms' and i dont think any of them are exclusive to 'autistic' or 'adhd' people#like the terms are useful for sure! but they arent rigid and people need to chill out abt them i think#and ofc im not saying race or any of these things Arent Real cuz like. we live in our society and these social structures are big parts of#everyones lives social species etc etc#but race is not a biological thing. you cant divide all of humanity into boxes like that and that started just as a way to#dehumanize people and is a relatively modern thing#i feel like i often see people going 'but surely people in 2000bc west africa would notice a white person is different!'#like yea obviously but some people just look different ? the idea to really separate 'races' is so ingrained in our culture that#its hard for us to imagine not doing that but like... its a pretty recent thing haha#i need to stop going on long rants in tags. i hit the tag limit on one of the other posts
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paul isn’t percy’s step father he’s the father that stepped up
#hello hello! is this thing on?#writings and musings#okay rant time#sometimes when i feel strongly about something the words get very jumbled and hard to read#like w the annie and finnick fic and lucy gray fic#i think this one is more simple in terms of sentence structure (maybe? idk) but the emotion is lacking#like not in a bad way bc i’m so used to writing very emotional characters bur since percy is chill as fuck i had to tone it down#it’s just the type of fic where u go fuck it we ball and press post#maybe i should tag the pjo fandom#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#sally jackson#paul blofis#while i have the pjo fandom here pls just keep in mind i haven’t done a reread in ages 😔#that’s why the timeline is so vague lol#moral of the story call me beep me if u wanna reach me about any sally and percy and gabe and paul thoughts if u wanna share em
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almost done... 🙏
#before yvverse i was never the kind of person to write 4-6k word chapters#i have been writing this chapter since february 6th#it was agonizingly difficult... line by line crises type of difficult D:#i still have no clue how people like write thousands of words in a day and then hit post 🥲 i have spent so long on this. i think i spent#an hour this morning writing one paragraph#but now that the finish line is in sight i just feel so ready to post it (even though it is not done. and needs at least 500 more words#on top of editing)#anyways. apologies for yapping 🙇♀️#in terms of difficulty... i feel like writing this series has been eye opening to me as to what i find difficult to write? which is#interesting. fool me twice pt5 was also hard for me in the sense that i rewrote it no fewer than 5 times... and this installment was hard#in a different way. T_T i want to claim victory! but not yet! i haven't earned it#anyways... please expect the next chapter at some point over the next week (and if it's not there i have likely fallen into another crisis)
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