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valyalyon · 8 months ago

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July 2022

STRAP IN!! So much happens here. The visit with Raphael that leads to Dolores deciding to break off a relationship with Julius and her decision to leave Phoenix entirely... leading to her meeting... drumroll!!! Harvey :) Theo's dad. Bit of a full circle moment to see fr fr but ENJOY :)

DIE MASTER LIST OR #LYONDIE

July 22, 2022.

That night, Julius and I went over to Raphael’s family home for a game night. I hadn’t seen him since June, and I definitely was glad for it...

CW: Mentions of dub con (no descriptions or actions). Predator/prey imagery. Descriptions of explicit sexual behavior. Explicit language. Break-up. Heartbreak. MDNI. Proceed with caution :)

My time with Julius had gotten even better, and the two of us were on yet another high.

I did not know it at the time, but by the end of that week, Julius had an appointment to visit a jewelry shop to pick out my engagement ring.

He never did end up going, because that night, and the next few days, would change our lives indefinitely.

After our third game, Julius excused himself to go to the bathroom. The game room was separated in the basement of the house, with the nearest bathroom being on the first floor.

I’m laying on the floor, we’re drinking ‘cause we’re bored.

I was laying on the floor, we had been drinking since we got there 45 minutes earlier. We were going to stay there a long while still. I was pretty far from Raphael’s view, and I was facing him, so I didn’t think anything would get out of hand.

Besides that, I wouldn’t cheat on Julius.

Raphael looked through his cards, and then looked over at the basement stairs. His eyes were focused and it seemed like he was listening.

I was half paying attention to him because I was scared of him, and the other half of me really wanted to disconnect, so that half wasn’t processing him as being there at all.

Safe to say, there’s a blur somewhere before he says, “I loved seeing and feeling you at Wonderspaces.”

“Raphael, respectfully, can we move on from that? I thought you were Julius. I would not have allowed you to touch me had I known it was you!” My voice was hushed, but I was so angry that I was starting to feel my skin heat up.

He did this to me every time he was around. It was as if there were two fire signs butting heads and falling in love through it, and sure enough that was the issue.

“That’s fine and all, Lola. You were made for me. We need each other,” Raphael said, and then I heard him get off the couch.

I moved to adjust myself. He came up next to me, at a time where my head was at his crotch, and looked down at me, he had a crooked, mean smile. It was taunting me and it scared me.

I felt like a bunny hunted down by the fox.

I scooted onto my bum and scooted myself backwards towards the couch away from him so I could stand up.

Once I stood, I realized he was close to me. If he just reached his hand out, he’d be touching me. I put my hands up defensively, “don’t come near me, I will scream.”

“I’m never going to do anything you don’t want, Lola,” he said.

“You did though! In June… What the hell was that, Raphael? And why would you do that? Or even this… Stop looking at me like that,” I complained, wanting to cover my eyes from his.

His dark eyes had a grip on me, I felt trapped in his eyes and I was not happy about it.

I managed for a second to peel my eyes off him and take a step away, getting out from the corner he had put me in. All he did was turn to face me, “You’re telling me you didn’t enjoy me touching you?”

I didn’t dare meet his eyes at this point, I was beginning to feel sick, “No. Julius and I have been together 47 months, we’re very happy, and what you did last month was extremely out of line.”

“I’ll apologize then,” he spoke, and then got closer to me, “Look at me.”

“No,” I responded flatly.

“I’m sorry, Lola. For what I did last month. When I saw you there by yourself, I don’t know what I thought… You’ve just always been on my mind since I met you,” He reached his hand out, but stopped right before he touched my face.

Oh, I’m looking for affection in all the wrong places, and we’ll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces.

I turned my eyes to his hand, and felt the world swirling around me. I was stoned and I wanted to keep my distance from him. The fire I felt in my stomach for him made me hate myself.

I don’t think I realized I was holding my breath, until he spoke again, “I feel like I’ve known you way before I met you. When I looked at you, I swore I’d seen you before.”

“We haven’t met before, Raphael,” I wanted to cut the conversation entirely. I wanted to just storm away from him. I was so frustrated with him. It seemed like he was out to destroy Julius, it always seemed that way.

“Maybe not,” he sighed. I felt the silence creeping in around us, and then he said, “Must have just been a dream.”

I turned to look at him. Those words. I didn’t know right away why, but the way he said those words triggered something in my brain. As I looked into his dark eyes, I remembered a dream that had not come back to me in years.

The details were foggy, but in the dream there was a man I could barely distinguish at first, could only make out that he was tall. His eyes peak out of the darkness, but they’re just as dark and scary. He pulls me in to his arms and the world is on fire, as it all spins around us he speaks, “Must have just been a dream.”

Having heard Raphael say those words in front of me, it dawned on me that I had actually been dreaming of him. It wasn’t any other “R” named men as I had started to gaslight myself into believing. It was him, and he was in front of me.

My whole life flashed before my eyes up until that point. What was everything that I had lived with Julius supposed to be? What was I supposed to do now? Could I still be with Julius, knowing I had spent my entire life dreaming of him and Raphael?

Up until then, I had fantasized about a wedding to Julius, a life with him. I wanted so much, I wanted to be there by his side. Even in that moment, I didn’t want to lose that. Yet, I found myself wondering if I would ever know what to do or where to go.

I didn’t want Raphael, I had committed so much time to my love with Julius, but I realized in that moment that I was not meant to be J’s wife. I didn’t deserve him if I was feeling this confused after so long and he didn’t deserve to have anyone that couldn’t give him her full love and attention.

“Raphael, I don’t think I can give you or Julius what you want from me,” I told him, and then we heard Julius coming back in.

July 23, 2022.

We got home in the early hours of the next morning, and I immediately tried to go to sleep. Julius was kissing my neck and touching my skin as we laid, I could tell that he wanted to have sex and I wanted to have sex with him too. Even after everything that had happened between Raphael and I, I just couldn’t shake my desires for Julius.

He got on top of me, kissing me now on the lips. I didn’t fight him, I never could, I kissed him back happily. It was so fucked up of me, but I wanted to forget everything so badly. I wanted to wake up in the morning and all of the Game Night would have just been a stupid nightmare.

The only resounding thought in my mind was, “why can’t I start over? We’ll be happier, then…”

His arms were on either side of my head as we made out desperately, our tongues dancing and our clothes beginning to come off in a steamy hurry. I felt his fingers begin to enter me, I gasped and moaned, melted into his finger tips and greedy hands.

He was so good to me, maybe we could forget it all…

I’ve come for you, my love, through a window in the dark. Don’t you know you’re my everything?

Soon, I felt his bulging cock against me. Why was I so wild for him? Was it just because he was wild for me? My moans escalated, my body trembled. I moved my hips excitedly, and slowly settled my pussy down onto his dick.

Immediately, he could go no further, much too big to enter me. Too lazy to get the lube, he just spits, and I think I love it even more. The way he rubs it into my clit and then moves it down into my pussy with a finger, before leading his cock in so perfectly.

He knew exactly what I needed. No doubt about it. He fucked me so good that night, full of plenty of slaps, spanks, and harsh choking.

But, I think I knew when I looked at Raphael last night, that everything would have to end. The real question was who the hell am I? I’ve lived my life, my entire life — for other people… what am I doing?

I had a specific dream of my life. I wanted to run away, fall in love, get married, get pregnant, dissolve my personality into the role of motherhood and in loving servitude, I’d bend to my man. I wondered, seriously, if staying in Phoenix was really the best option for me.

I hated living here since I moved here. I love being in the desert, I love the state of Arizona, I love the palm trees, the lights, the mountains, the Grand Canyon, every part of it. But, the city of Phoenix has done nothing but hurt me.

Meeting Julius changed my perspective on the city, if only for a moment. But, as each year passed in front of my eyes, I found myself still stuck in this city, feeling the same cursed feeling I’ve always felt. Still, my love was blossoming.

Everything between us was so beautiful and natural, and we only got stronger with each argument. I believed I could count on Julius and I trusted him with my heart and my life. It was all perfect, but the longer I stayed in Phoenix the more that dreadful feeling crept over me.

Julius grew up there, so wouldn’t be ready to leave Phoenix, not now, and maybe not ever. Those were discussions we’d had through the years, plans and ideas would spring up but the dreams would always be dashed by his analytical reasoning.

When he dreamt, it was so far away.

Sex ended with him cumming down my throat, and I swallowed the hot semen happily.

By around 10 in the morning, the argument started and it lasted long into the next day. I couldn’t explain to him why, but I approached him with the feeling that our relationship couldn’t continue. At first, it started as “I’m not sure, but I’d like to see where you are…”

It dissolved rather quickly into a lot of back and forth. It was never hostile, but the two of us would fight our points tooth and nail. He worked that day and we still spent most of the day texting paragraphs, the argument continuing into the night.

As time progressed, it quickly became clear to me that there was no way of saving anything. I had lost everything I built with Julius, the moment that Raphael said what he had to me the night before.

Still, Julius continued fighting for our love. It hurt me to see it, because I wanted to fight with him, but I was so depleted that I asked him that we sleep and see where we are in the morning.

He agreed that would be for the best.

I didn’t sleep well.

July 24, 2022.

If someone asked me at the end, I’d tell them, “Put me back in it.”

Waking up around 7am, we regrouped. The conversation was a lot calmer, though the pain had settled into J’s dark brown eyes. I told him earnestly that I worried about the state of our future, and if I am the wife for him. I explained to him my desires to leave Phoenix as soon as possible, and told him that I couldn’t keep waiting for him to make that move with me.

I desperately didn’t want it to end but at the same time I knew that I had made every mistake. Raphael had touched me, and then told me something straight of a dream. Julius and I had lived a life like a fairytale. It felt unreal how much we had loved each other, but I knew every second of it was authentic.

He had been so good for me, but I couldn’t expect Julius to stand beside me if he knew everything that had happened. I was too embarrassed to tell him about it, even though I hadn’t consented explicitly, I felt I had made a mistake.

Up until that point no other man had touched me sexually, so how could I be okay with letting him have me after another man had used me?

All of it was too much. It made me dizzy, it made me sick, it made me hate myself and everything I stood for.

Julius went back and forth with me for a few minutes, before his resolve broke entirely, “okay, but please don’t leave…”

“I really think leaving is for the best, Julius… You deserve your space to move on from me,” I told him, holding back tears.

We were laying in bed together, holding hands and doing this. It broke me apart.

“I don’t think I can just stop loving you even if you do leave… There is no moving on, I wanted you forever, Dolores. I know I can’t be without you, I know I need you in my life…”

“I’m not staying, Julius,” I reaffirmed, as the tears fell.

“Tell me where you’re going?” He asked, curiously, his voice breaking. “Don’t move back in with your family…”

“I don’t know where yet, but it won’t be with my family don’t worry…” I tried to comfort him through my own tears as he broke down and wrapped his arms around me.

If I could hold you for a minute, darling, I would do it again… Though, I know my heart would break, I’d tell them, “Put me back in it.”

“Don’t lose my number, Dolly… Don’t ever lose my number, even if you don’t talk to me for years. You need me, you call me,” he begged, holding onto me.

July 26, 2022.

Seeing Kansas City, Kansas for the first time through my windshield, leaves me unimpressed but remembering another time. I stuff the thoughts, bury the emotions and the choking feelings beginning to overtake me.

Drove up to an empty motel room and checked in for the night.

So when I break down and list all the reasons, I’m here and I’m still breathing, oh, I’m hanging on.

Undated Entry

I want to disappear, sob for a day or two… and then find a part time job to get me out of my new apartment. Got a diner job just down the street from my new apartment. Speaking of, moving in tomorrow.

My remote company shipped me my new work station, I’ll have it by next week to start that… Rent is cheap out here. I think I’ll do fine alone…

July 31, 2022

Today, I met Harvey and he tipped me $1,000 to go to a military ball with him. I guess I’m going, then.

CLICK FOR FULL JULY 31, 2022 POST

SONG REFERENCE affection by BETWEEN FRIENDS Emerald Star by Lord Huron Francesca by Hozier Sleep Deprivation by Chance Pena

#smut #prey kink #dub con #affair #dark romance #spicy books #writeblr #lyondie #bluestlyon #creative writing #writers of tumblr #booklr

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selfiemuseumcharlotte · 3 months ago

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