#won't even say how often i'd thought about them over the past year

[nuggetsii]

Random sketchy portrait of a cardassian girl

[elucubrare]

What are your biggest turn-offs when reading/watching historical fiction or retellings of myths?

this is really complicated - i can put it in two boxes, both of which are packed very full.

disconnection from the material reality of the past

when characters display a very specifically modern mindset (about social issues especially, but other stuff too)

(I also get bothered by some kinds of modern language - I don't mind it when, idk, an author uses "sensible" with the modern connotation of "practical" and not the 18th century "emotional" or "empathetic", but "yeah" or "okay," or even, as i found out when someone used it in medieval fantasy, "holy shit" will get on my nerves.)

there are modern things where (made up example!) a character who's supposed to be a cook will talk about making caprese salad for a fancy restaurant in December, and someone snarking on the book will say "yeah, right, they should know better than to make something that depends on a fresh summer vegetable!" and even with greenhouses, that's pretty fair. and that's even more extreme in the past. it's 1650 in Verona, it's December, you cannot obtain fresh tomatoes. i don't think this means that people in the past were, necessarily, more emotionally or spiritually in tune with the cycle of the year, or the labor it took to get clothes, or furniture, or any other material item, and of course wealth can insulate people from some of that difficulty, but it does mean that the seasons had more direct impact on people's lives. It's possible to, for example, buy clothes ready-made, but for anything fancy, it's more likely that it'll be made to fit if it's new, or altered extensively and painstakingly if it's not. that means that tearing or staining a fancy dress isn't just an issue of looking bad - you can't just replace it, and you probably won't throw it out - you figure out how to reuse it. those concerns of access to material goods are just a lot closer to the surface of the world than they often are now.

my objections to modern attitudes about the world are not that people in the past 100% accepted the views of their contemporaries - there were always people who didn't, and it makes sense that a protagonist would be one of them. but people wouldn't phrase those objections in the same way that modern people would - say your main character doesn't want a woman accused of being a witch burned. "God's power is such that the Devil cannot give this woman the ability to sour milk" is most likely going to be more persuasive to the crowd than "witches aren't real." and sometimes that's rough - it's not super fun to read about a Roman with Roman attitudes about provincial wars, or slavery in the city, but I put something down because a Roman character said (in internal dialogue) that he was disgusted to see that a man had been tortured because "Romans simply didn't do that." Historical Romans did do that, routinely - a slave could not testify in a law court unless they had been tortured. Even with distasteful things like that, I'd much rather it just be glossed over than to have them say the "correct" modern thing. It just makes it feel too much like the theme park version of the culture.

Both of these are because of specific things I come to historical fiction for - I want that sense of alienation, the gulf of experience. I hate that most historical fiction (and fantasy set in semi-recognizable periods) characters don't really care about Honor, except as a joke, because I love when characters organize their lives around arcane rules and systems that cause tiny things to escalate into blood feud. I just think they're neat! I like it when people's worldviews are shaped by their lack of scientific certainty about what causes crops to fail! If I wanted to read about people who thought and acted like me, and had lives that were mostly similar to mine, only cooler, I'd just read contemporary fiction.

[fivelila]

The other side of everything

I think all of you have read the repeated sentences about what's wrong with Fivelila. So I thought I'd write my thoughts on it and maybe some of my headcanon.

1) Age gap

Problem: Ritu is 15 years older than Aidan. Five and Lila have an age difference in both directions, mentally he is much older and physically she is older.

My take: About the age of the actors, I'll say this much - the opposite is so common and many people don't find it strange. For example, did you know that Julia Roberts was 23 when her film Pretty Woman came out and that Richard Gere is 19 years older than her? And I haven't noticed anyone being disgusted by how that's possible. I could find some more extreme differences, but I don't think I want to.

Aidan is 21 and yes, he did TUA when he was younger, but a lot of people still think he's a kid. But no, he's not. Deal with it.

My headcanon: Lila is older than she looks. And that's thanks to the Handler and the work she does for the Commissions. Does any of us know how long has she lived somewhere outside of time? Sounds like another possible parallel to me.

2) Lila was cheating on Diego

Problem: Lila was unfaithful to her husband.

My take: Lila made it clear that she wanted a break with Diego and wanted to reconsider their marriage. Yes, the circumstances ended up being pretty wild, but it was more than obvious that she wasn't happy in the marriage. Among other things, it was over six and a half years for her before anything happened with Five. There are countries where such a long separation between spouses could also help to bring about an immediate divorce if necessary.

I also think that the only thing that connected them the most was their children and not that they were compatible as partners. A completely natural thing that happens really often in real life when someone builds a relationship on desire, which they mistake with love.

3) Five is homewrecker

Problem: Five is the reasons why his brother's family fell apart.

My take: It's not true. Five was not the reason that Lila and Diego had problems in their marriage. Yes, she was still his brother's wife and that's a bit morally grey, but their situation was complicated enough (as I wrote in the previous point) and it's completely understandable. By the way, don't people like this family precisely because their morals are often a bit grey? I guess that's probably only true sometimes, huh?

4) Five cheated on Dolores

Problem: Five was unfaithful to Dolores

My take: Sorry, but this is the biggest piece of shit ever. If someone prefers a relationship that Five made up in his mind just to keep himself from going crazy and heal his trauma, then our fandom isn't the one that's wrong. By the way, if Dolores was real and played by Rachel Delduca, she's definitely older too! I couldn't find the exact age, but it's pretty obvious that she's older than Aidan.

5) Five killed Lila's parents

Problem: Five was the killer of Lila's family and Handler could have kidnapped her. Her family may be alive, but it won't change the past.

My take: Yes, this is about the only thing that could never work in another story. Lila gets her family back, but it doesn't change what happened to her. Still, I think even she knows very well what it's like to work for the Commission and what it was like when an order came down. Handler bears most of the blame, even though she wasn't the one who killed them.

My headcanon: I don't think Lila had clean hands either, though we never really saw that much in the story. Still, even she could have been the murderer of some random parents of some random kids because that was her job. For example, she killed several people on the Commission to get access to past records in the barn, so it would be a bit hypocritical for her to blame others for actions that she herself had done before.

If you have any other thing I should discuss, please post it in the comments, I'll do another post about it.

[kerubimcrepin]

Wakfu Manga - Tome 4, Part 1

During every tome his character bio is mostly the same, save for little rephrasings, and yet it's always such a blast. The Brotherhood of Tofu has bewitched him.

I'm insane... I'm crazhyy.

Imagine being an Eliatrope demigod whose entire purpose is chilling and inspiring others to chill. Like imagine spending millions of reincarnations chilling and there's no war or tragedy, besides maybe the fact that you often outlive people due to being a demigod (but even that is remedied by the fact that you have 11 siblings).

Now imagine a war breaks out and shit. Maybe it breaks out twice. God knows if they reincarnated between these two, though they probably did.

NOW imagine that, after defeating the baddie, — even though you're the demigod of chilling, you spend thousands of years in absolute silence in cosmos trying to catch your deity mother's psionic suffering waves to rescue her, and THEN you face a fate worse than death.

Wouldn't it be fucked.

There are some very good Joris moments in this volume — though the peak was in tome 3. He looks pretty interested in this, for obvious reasons.

Of course YOU would know about century-long art projects, century boy.

The fact that an entire planet is just gone and lost is very tragic to me. They'll never know their home, even if the World of Twelve is also home to them.

STOP BEING CUTE!

Not him standing menacingly and looking right at the reader 😭🤣

He is getting so much enrichment from this. So much mental enrichment, like a cat.

He always knows when to say something ominous and scary.

Very good Joris expression.

HIS FANGS. HIS FANGS. HELLO?!

Anyway, this being the face he pulls after seeing a past incarnation of Yugo come to terms with his immenent death and never seeing his brother again, is so Joris-core. Of course he'd go "🤨"

But despite his chipper attitude here, his mood and curiosity start to rapidly deteriorate after this moment:

I think that for Joris "I am afraid of being alone so thank god my father and uncle are together with me for centuries and remember me after dying, because I don't know how I'd live otherwise" Crepin-Jurgen — talks of actual proper reincarnation with memory loss are scary and exhausting.

He didn't exactly have anyone to tell him what Kerubim and Atcham would be like, after reincarnating. Maybe he spent the couple of years that they were kittens and couldn't talk, fully convinced that he lost Kerubim forever.

That's bound to leave a mark on a person.

It's especially horrifying and off-putting because of how casual Adamai and Yugo are about death and forgetting. Joris has always valued memories — they may as well be all he has of some of the people he loves, at this point. It's the reason he gifted them his fishing rod — in a way, it is a memory of Khan.

Yet, every time Yugo and Adamai die, some new version of them — a version they won't have control over, a version who will forget everyone they have loved up to that moment, — will spring forth and take their place. They'll have new families. "They" probably had hundreds of children and hundreds of lovers in the past, but were those people even them? Is it going to be "them" after they die?

He likes Yugo and Adamai a lot. The thought that someday some strangers may take their place is... a lot.

I can't discuss this scene without including these two entire pages, because something very interesting is happening here:

Joris, quite carelessly, lifts the pillow that contains two precious items, with an annoyed expression, before aggressively questioning Adamai.

I really think he hates all the reincarnation talk.

Anyway, he has very visible fingernails again. Nail polish win.

The fact that sexy femboy Baltazar is exclusive to Wakfu manga is oppression against teachers and education workers.

Joris is worried that something bad happened, but it was just inter-adventurer party abuse, which is normal.

He's so ready for this bullshit to be over.

Standing a very asocial distance apart from everyone. As is the usual <3

[mx-myth]

Okay so I've had some meta thoughts about Laurence's amnesia and how it relates to his relationship with Tharkay sitting in my drafts for like over a year now so I figured I'd finally clean it up and post it. Heads up it's really long.

Laurence finally consciously realises that he loves Tharkay (or is in love with him, whatever nuance you'd like) after "knew him, and knew himself." But at this point he's completely in pieces as a person (more on this next paragraph). Post-amnesia, he's an entirely different man. Pre-Temeraire Laurence is the harshest, strictest version both of and with himself. He follows the rules to the letter, basically takes Temeraire only out of duty in the beginning, and even keeps the promise between him and Edith despite there being no formal arrangement at all. Post-Temeraire but pre-amnesia Laurence has softened. He's putting less emphasis on the rules and more on his morals (see: treason). He has more leeway but still carries that honor/duty/order with himself.

Which is why post-amnesia Laurence is the version of himself that discovers that he loves Tharkay. In the wake of losing his memories and then regaining them he's lost and unmoored. Both of his past selves are so different and therefore so distant. They're both true but it's too jarring for him - especially in his current circumstances, much less the overall war - so Laurence becomes a new person. This is Laurence at his most vulnerable, his most unguarded, who smiles more often now because he doesn't really know that he didn't smile that much before. He has two major tethers to his personhood: Temeraire and Tharkay (I hesitate to say only tethers, simply because Laurence's life isn't that small, but repeatedly these two are the ones who have had the biggest impact on his life, who have kept him going). Obviously he loves Temeraire, he's never going to stop loving Temeraire, he just isn't capable of it, but seeing Temeraire didn't bring back his memories (I can't imagine how Temeraire must have felt, meeting a version of Laurence who had never met him). Laurence loves Temeraire in the most unconditional, selfless way - to be very Greek about it, his philia. But I think when he finally comprehends how Tharkay was the catalyst behind this radical change of his self he dives into his memories again and goes over them in excruciating detail (and he was definitely doing that already, but now he's doing it with a lens exclusively focused on Tharkay). At some point he comes to the realisation that Tharkay loves him, and that he loves him, and that he's been unconsciously shoving it down every time it's surfaced (past-Laurence was saying no homo while actively homo-ing). And with the benefit of being an new version of the same person (and also some hindsight, finally), this Laurence says, I've committed treason. My country sees me as a traitor but they still need me to serve them as a tool. I lost myself once in a war (see: "what are you doing?") that's still being fought. Time is short and there's no guarantee I won't lose my memories again, that I will still be the person I am right now. What do I have to lose?

(And on some level, this Laurence thinks, what can stop me?)

He begins giving to Tharkay what Tharkay always had given to him. His acts of devotions start small (relative to Tharkay's; transporting too many ferals is obviously a little outside of what Laurence can feasibly do). He cares for Tharkay once he wakes ("have you noticed the top of your head appears likely to come off?"), he helps him eat and drink, he massages his hands once they heal, he stays with him through the nightmares that come to haunt him. And he continues doing these little things for Tharkay, hoping that he understands (he's willing to wait, Tharkay waited for him after all, and Laurence doesn't want to push him, especially as he's healing). But I think the act that hits Tharkay like, oh, it's different this time is when Laurence bargains his freedom to Napoleon. I feel like that carries unspeakable meaning for Tharkay, who was ostracized growing up and ended up never having a "permanent" home since he travelled so much. I can't imagine that he hasn't been in a similar situation before, but he's probably always been expected to weasel his way out of it without any outside help. He's trained himself out of expecting someone to help him, to care enough about him to save him. Yet part of the man who turned to treason simply so the dragons of France wouldn't die in pain lives on in this Laurence. Pre-Temeraire Laurence is rules and post-Temeraire pre-amnesia Laurence is morals, but post-amnesia Laurence is all heart. There was never a way he was going to leave Tharkay behind.

So Tharkay starts watching him. He watches Laurence continue to devote himself to him, again and again. He brings him his coat on cold days. When it rains and their scars ache he curls around his hands and rubs lotion into them. When he goes into town he always brings Tharkay back a little gift. He starts growing vegetables in the garden and he learns how to cook non-wartime foods and how to knit (because he is a man forged by war and what does one even do during peacetime when one's dragon is busy reforming the government, anyway?) and suddenly he's providing for Tharkay like never before. He looked away for one moment and suddenly Laurence's prescence and all that he does has made the manor a home.

Yet Tharkay, for years, has told himself so many times that Laurence is off-limits, untouchable, that he can love him but that there's no chance that Laurence will love him back. The only way he can love Laurence is silently, nearly from afar, and so he tried to do that. But he can't just stand by and so every time he finds himself committing a deux ex Tharkay (see: ferals, again). He understands that there's some shit Laurence needs to learn himself (and god is this series very good about character development for Laurence) but he's not going to do nothing when the man in about to die. For him it's about caring and providing for Laurence even if he doesn't know it. He learns to content himself with the knowledge that, even if nothing comes of it, he can still be by Laurence's side.

But then the amnesia plot happens (which he only learns of after all of it goes down) and suddenly there is a half-stranger wearing the skin of the man he loves (loved, he tells himself) looking at him with those familiar blue eyes filled with a completely unfamiliar emotion. He's relieved that Laurence remembers but he's said that his Laurence is gone that he's even thinking of it like that (Tharkay has a lot of anger, both at himself and others and the world). Laurence is right in front of him, he's not gone at all, but he's gone in a way that matters. But also this new Laurence is by his side all the time. He's feeding him and helping him drink and dress and he sleeps on the floor by his bedside. Tharkay is so confused because this has to be some kind of fantasy dream he's having. He must still be in the cave (and it's believable that he is, because he returns there every night in his dreams). But he isn't and he has to struggle to come to terms with this new Laurence.

So every time Laurence does something even remotely nice he hyper-analyses it and rationalizes it to himself. He deludes himself into thinking that this is normal for Laurence now. It's normal for Laurence to fuss and hen over him now; it's normal for him to smile at him with that emotion written plainly on his face that Tharkay still hasn't (refuses) to decipher. And he does this well into post-canon.

For that reason he only gets with the program when Laurence has to leave the manor (leave home) for a long while (probably with Temeraire) and suddenly Tharkay is all alone in this huge manor. He's wearing the socks Laurence knitted for him and eating food Laurence grew and walking into rooms and seeing little parts of him scattered everywhere. There's a novel he's reading left on the table by the chair he prefers in the library. There's a cookbook in the kitchen in which he's bookmarked recipes he thinks he might like. Tharkay finds a handwritten list of things they need to buy in town left out for him. He left his pillows on Tharkay's bed because he knows he likes sleeping with a ton of pillows (and they smell like him, and Tharkay pretends he doesn't bury his face in him, that he doesn't miss him while he's gone). When Tharkay wakes up in the morning he makes two cups of tea and waits for Laurence to come in from talking with Temeraire before remembering that neither of them are here (home). He expects Laurence to appear in the evenings to ask if he wants to go on a walk through the grounds with him (and he always ends up saying yes). Tharkay learns that the manor is too big for one man who has always been a little too lonely in his life.

So until Laurence returns home he plots and plans and agonizes. After a week once Laurence has come home (and the first thing he had said to him was welcome home, and Laurence had beamed at him, and it was so unbelievably natural to say it) Tharkay begins his attempts at reciprocating. He wakes up earlier so that he can brew Laurence tea so he can take it out to sit with Temeraire. He says that he cooked some of the recipes from Laurence's cookbook and insists on making them for Laurence (he had to figure out his system of marking which recipes were Laurence's favourites). He gifts him a sturdy, functional, and beautifully crafted knife to wear around the house for daily use; he specifically makes sure the knife is up to Temeraire's standards. In fact, Tharkay talks to Temeraire about everything, and Temeraire tells him, with no minced words while completely drawing his own conclusions, that it's very nice that Tharkay is asking him for his blessing, but does he really need it at this point? Haven't they been courting long enough? He's always approved of Tharkay, because he makes Laurence happy.

That's how Tharkay realises he and Laurence have been dancing around each other like shy birds, both of them subtly showing off but not making the first move. And maybe he realises that Laurence is thinking how he used to think - that it's okay as long as he can be by his side, that he doesn't need his love reciprocated (it's a very long chain of Tharkay loving Laurence, Laurence knowing Tharkay loves him and loving him back, and Tharkay loving Laurence and knowing he knows he loves him and loves him back). And of course Tharkay wasn't going to make the first move back then, and if Laurence hasn't by now, then maybe he should borrow some of Temeraire's courage.

It's something small. The words come later, given how action-forward both Laurence and Tharkay are. They don't even need words. Maybe Tharkay takes Laurence's hand during dinner and intertwines their fingers, maybe he touches Laurence's cheek after he's braided his hair as their eyes meet in the mirror, maybe as they pack away the port and piquet he kisses him good night. Whatever it is, they look at each other and simply know. Tharkay sees Laurence slowly start to smile, a huge one that spreads across his entire face, one that he's only seen on Laurence when he thinks he's alone with Temeraire. He seems to brighten, almost radiating light.

For his part, Laurence reciprocates. He squeezes Tharkay's hand, he turns his cheek into Tharkay's touch, he pulls him in for another kiss. He watches as something seems to drop from Tharkay, something that he hadn't even known he was carrying. He becomes loose and relaxed, his body language more open as he looks at Laurence with one of his little smiles, a bit of shyness that he's never seen before evident on his face. He tells Tharkay that he's the most beautiful person he's ever seen.

[sazzujazzu]

Hello, as the days count down and the Bad Batch finale draws closer, may I show to the fine folks of tumblr my first Star Wars OC in 20 years, created thanks to this show? 😃

Too bad, I'm showing them anyway 😊 somberly chilling while listening to their bestie talk.

Please excuse the poor background (I got lazy) and half-finished Tech (I got sad)

there's, uh, a big mess of words under the image because I wanted to put into words the importance this show has for me, and I am bad at doing so.

I want to get some thoughts off my chest, because I have no one in my day-to-day life who cares about the animated Star Wars shows, and especially the Bad Batch. (well, other than my mom, but I don't want to bore her with my rambling too much. she already banned star wars from me once, i won't let that happen again lol)

I can't stop thinking how much I don't want Bad Batch to end.

This show has been so dear to me. I can't remember the last time I've loved something this much.

Before the second season started, I had an artistic block that had lasted way too long. Anything I drew or wrote, mostly turned out a horrible mess after staring at a blank page for hours and hours, if I ever managed to create anything at all. For someone who tends to draw whenever their hands aren't otherwise busy (aka all the damn time), such a block weighed down on my mental health.

Well, then season two happened, and full-on gave me back my love for Star Wars, a love that had somewhat gone out over the last few years. Then, Plan 99 happened, and broke me because again my favorite character "died" (I'm in team Tech lives until I draw my last breath or until proven correct. That chocolate-eyed cutie-pie is alive nothing will convince me otherwise). Pretty much after finishing the episode and staring at a wall for another 30 minutes, I said "nope" and began writing.

I wrote for hours. I believe it's been well over a decade since I last wrote fanfiction, but here I was, creating a Star Wars oc, something I'd last done as a ten-year-old. And now, roughly a year later, I think I've written over a hundred pages of (very self-indulgent) fanfiction with the Batch, and with my oc that I've come to love.

And drawing, oh boy, have I been drawing!

(... Sure, I've mostly been drawing Tech, over and over again, to a point I once actually considered lying and saying "yeah that's my boyfriend haha!" to a man at my job last summer, when asked who it was that I was drawing for maybe fifth day in a row 😂 likely would've been a more acceptable excuse for someone my age. But, I mean... I just really love drawing him, not only because he is my favorite character of maybe all time, but because he is just so fun to draw! And most of all, at least I draw again!)

And it is all thanks to this wonderful show about a bunch of defective and effective copy-paste boys and their sister.

It's probably something many say, but I've always felt like a bit of an outsider. I've felt like I have no place; when I was a kid, my interests were very different from the other kids of [gender assigned at birth], and trying to play with them while inserting my own interests into the games, often didn't go so well. I was... kind of an odd child (although now, older and questionably wiser, knowing that I might actually be autistic, many things make more sense now. me kind of discovering this about myself is also partially thanks to Bad Batch)

Also, growing up trans/non-binary, while not even knowing what that is or having a word for it, didn't really do much to help with the feeling of "I'm different and an outsider because of it". Perhaps it was one more reason I fell in love with Clone Force 99, because I could see some of myself in them. Being different from the "regs".

I love this show, and these fictional people have become my family, and I am not ready to say goodbye to them.

Alright, weird pile of thoughts over. In case someone read all this, uh... thanks 😊

[dangerously-human]

Bible study bestie asked me when I saw her on Friday for her husband's birthday dinner if I was feeling Some Type Of Way about this summer ending my time with the young adults group. And I said no, it feels a little strange but I know I'm ready to join a new group, and she expressed relief and added that some people had been saying things like "are you really going to kick Rachel out just because she's turning 31" and heavily implying that I was unhappy about it. To which I replied, "You are the person I am closest to; if I was upset about something, you'd be the person I'd come to about it anyway, but even more so if I was somehow upset with you for enforcing this rule - I think we're pretty good at addressing things directly." Which, like, I guess maybe, if I were a petty person, I could consider it being on her - before she and her husband took over, the group never really had a stop point, it was just assumed to be thirty-something, and I happen to be the first person officially aging out. But that's a completely reasonable expectation, and she and I have been talking about it all year, planning for the future, and we're going to join the next group together (while she keeps running this one), so it doesn't especially feel like a big deal. I think she feels a tiny bit guilty, because usually when people have moved on, it's because of getting married/having kids, but there are plenty of single women in the women's group, I'm not worried about that.

She was relieved, anyway, and it kicked off a good conversation for us; but I guarantee you the worry attributed to me was coming from the young whippersnapper, who's been kind of freaking out about losing me lately, I think. Well, I know, actually, because part of his confession letter was this whole thing about how he panics a little whenever I talk about moving after I graduate and starts thinking maybe he should just come with me. (Oof.) I know he's operating from a schema of friend abandonment, and I've been trying to reassure him he's solidly stuck with me - while also putting some temporary distance in place to give him space to move past his crush, so on review, maybe it kind of seems like I don't mean it. As always, I'm a little frustrated by the unearned possessiveness while sympathetic to where it's coming from. Oddly, though, BSB seemed to imply this was coming from more than one person, which seems strange to me, because the only other people I'm close with in the group don't really come anymore, so I'd be surprised if they voiced concern about me not being there. Sort of the opposite, even: I've thought for a while that my "graduation" might end up being the final kick for the adventurer to stop coming, not exactly because of me specifically, but it's kind of far since he moved, and we've been the older pair for quite some time now - teased fairly often as "Mom and Dad" - so without me there, he might feel less like he belongs. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idk, the whole thing is weird - not bad, just strange. It's a transition, and I have to be intentional about making time to see these friends when we won't automatically cross paths every Wednesday, and I should make it clear to them that I do plan to do that so it doesn't look like I've outgrown them. And I don't really love that my only real Bible study options from here are sex-segregated, but that's not really a requirement, it's just that the only other combined ones are during the workday, so mostly for retirees. I do think that's a weird pattern in churches, though. This post is getting so long and I'm not even sure I'll actually post it after all, I'm just having lots of thoughts and August is the time to be thinking about endings and beginnings and the melancholy in between, isn't it?

[corfisers]

talking about mother because i need to get this shit off my chest, but it's very long and mostly about grief, death, animal neglect and senseless suffering that could've been avoided

so, her cat died. a kitten, really, i think she was just a bit older than three months. that makes a fourth cat that died in the same way for "mysterious" reasons (read: nothing my mother says on the topic makes any sense, and she didn't bother at any point, with any of them, to go to the vet and try to get help or at the very least figure out what was wrong. they all just get "sick", don't eat, drink and eventually don't move, and then die. in the last kitten's case it was apparently fleas that killed it. sure) in the past... two? years. there was one cat that she picked up off the street, and she eventually ran away for good. the one who got out, not after her kitten died too tho

and like, i'd be more sympathetic if my mother at least tried to do something, but every time it plays out the same way. she tells me that a cat got sick, then i find out that it's been sick for longer than my mother initially told me, then i yell at her to go to the vet. the clinic is about 10 minutes away btw, and it's not like we've got a bunch of professionals in my hometown, but hey, they managed to help out my guinea pigs. worst case scenario, they could've at least euthanize the animal instead of letting it literally just lay there and slowly die without food and water (there is no way i'd believe that my mother tried to nurse any of them). one of the cats, her favorite one, the one she was calling her son and whatnot, was dying like this for days and she didn't move a finger. i still feel guilty for not dropping everything and getting on the bus just to go and take care of him myself

i feel guilty about this kitten, too, because when i told a friend that my mother got another one, she said that the cat is going to die if i don't take her in. and i was weirdly optimistic, thought that maybe it won't be the case this time. my mistake. not like i can have a cat in this apartment, nor do i have the money for one, but fuck

and everything is about my mother somehow. she called me the other day at around 4:30 in the morning, saying that she can't find the cat, and the answer to my "why the fuck are you calling me instead of looking for her?" was "i'm scared". fucking scared? not worried, not concerned that maybe the animal needs help, maybe she got stuck, maybe she jumped off the balcony again. no, she's scared of finding it dead and getting upset, that's the only thing that matters. i shouldn't be surprised, because when my grandma doesn't pick up the phone, the thought that maybe something happened doesn't fucking cross her mind, she doesn't come over to her place (10 minutes!!!) to check, doesn't call me to ask if she's okay. meanwhile every time my mother doesn't answer because she's drinking, sleeping or simply doesn't feel like it, me and grandma both worry. hell, even when they don't talk to each other i'd report to grandma if mother at least was online on whatsapp

the worst one was the dog tho. the old chihuahua with cancer. i think i was still in uni, or just wasn't visiting often, but i'd ask periodically how she's doing, if she's in pain, if maybe it's time to go to the vet to put her to rest instead of prolonging the suffering. and every time my mother would tell me that she's alright, she's cheerful enough, she doesn't seem to be too bothered by the tumor, there's still time. and i'd believe her, because why wouldn't i, that was before all of the cats and before things really went to shit (or before it became obvious i guess). and then i go home for a visit, in winter iirc, and i see the dog and it's obvious from one fucking glance that the animal is suffering. i get angry, i scold my mother, i ask why the fuck didn't she tell me how bad things actually were (she already wasn't letting grandma in her apartment at that point, so she had no idea either). it is mostly anger at least, i can handle anger, it's stronger than the rest. but then the dog has one of those fits where it starts trashing around and screaming like no living being should, and hey, guess what? not the first time, apparently. and after a few of those anger doesn't really help anymore, and i remember trying to comfort and calm her down at some point and crying. and my mother asks me why (is it not fucking obvious?) and has the gall to tell me "well, imagine how it is for me". clearly not horrible enough to actually do something about it. i wish it fucking was tho. between all that, add a cute little scene of me pouring out her alcohol in the sink, that one is going to repeat more times than i'd like

the first day of my visit was saturday, the vet clinic was closed until monday, so it was two miserable days of... this, and i don't know how many days it actually has been for the dog. monday morning the moment they open we go to the vet, and of course i'm the one who has to do the talking, to hold the dog (i'm still reminded of that every time i look at the sleeve of the jacket i was wearing then), while my mother sits in the corridor and sobs, poor sensitive soul, too sensitive to even look. as if it wasn't her fault it got as bad as it did

at the end of the day, i choose to be angry. i don't know how to process anything else. there are some things about my mother that feel almost incomprehensible to me. i look at my grandma and i see the grief she has for her husband and son, both of whom died before i was born. and i feel some of it too, when i look at the pictures or listen to her stories, when i read some of my uncle's books when i was still living with grandma. i look at my mother and see nothing. and then i remember how she made both deaths about herself, somehow, so i guess this lack of grief makes sense. it's about her, always. not to compare death of a family member to that of an animal, but with my mother it feels the same in the lack of impact. and sure, people grieve differently. i don't know how i will, when it finally hits. but i think there at least should be some consideration for how it is for the people around you. the few times i was close to killing myself, the thought of inflicting this grief on my grandma and mother would be one of the reasons i didn't. i wasn't cruel enough. to be honest, now i feel like if i actually went through with it, only one of them would care. a shame, really, because while i'm not suicidal enough, i'm definitely cruel and angry enough to at least entertain the thought of inflicting that on my mother. but again, she wouldn't care enough, so ultimately there's no point in even fantasying about it

worst part is that i do pity her, still

some shitty pictures of the kitten, to finish it off. if i knew it would be the only time i see her, i would've taken more and better. she was very curious, playful, small, with a cute little face and a tiny voice. i was looking forward to playing with her again and seeing her grow. i should've taken her, despite the circumstances. i'm sorry

[247-diaperboy]

Posted by Lyrick Raccoon · February 07, 2021

How Common Is ABDL In The World?

ABDL's are in all careers, demographics and span the globe. ABDL is a large sub-community that has managed to cultivate families of normative acceptance around the lifestyle. So, then how common is ABDL in the world? Extremely common.

ABDL is VERY common! If you are ABDL you are far from alone.

Why haven't I heard of ABDL until now?

If you've heard of the term "forever young," you have likely thought to yourself that being younger generally has elements that held a much happier time. Maybe you've even told other kids to enjoy being young, as life tends to get more difficult and complicated. Regardless of the quality of upbringing, we often try and remember the good things and forget the bad. The same good elements make ageplay so popular as the lifestyle practice provides an opportunity to experience a safe, intimate, and care-free experience. The main reason you may have never heard of ABDL until now is that society as a whole doesn't understand the intricacy that ABDL is more like a spectrum of preferences rather than a one size fits all definition.

ABDL is often hidden because it is misunderstood or viewed as taboo, leading to social consequences (fear).

Many ABDLs go through a majority of their life without telling anyone they are ABDL. It hasn't been until the availability of information through the internet that more ABDLs connect on a large scale and find enough support to be more open about their ageplay tendencies.

Is someone I know and love ABDL?

It is reasonably possible you work with an ABDL, are friends with an ABDL, or even live with an ABDL (possibly even the parent of an ABDL). The feelings of being smol or into diapers is a significant stress reducer, and the diaper is many ABDL's drug of choice to lessen stress and anxiety, acting as a healthy coping mechanism. If you are a parent reading this, and you think your kid is ABDL, I'd encourage you to support them and know they can choose many ways to handle stress that is detrimental to their physical or mental health; the diaper is not a harmful method.

Likely, YES. Someone you know is ABDL.

A typical follow-up question to ask is, "If ABDL is such a big part of their life, will they ever tell me (their best friend) regression or diapers is something they enjoy?"

The short answer; It's hard to say. People will tell others more about themselves when they feel confident in who they are. Maybe they will someday, perhaps they won't.

Even best friends hold the information that they are into regression or diapers close to the chest as not everyone is as open-minded as they think they are. Discussion in public and private social circles regarding ABDL over the past 100 years has not held even the closest of relationships together after disclosure. It has ended many friendships and healthy relationships. "Why?"

Unfortunately, we live in a world that what people think matters more than who people are.

The world has a multi-billion dollar market of beauty and exercise products that reflect the chameleon approach to human connection as a result of human nature. We want to put our best selves forward, even at the cost of the authenticity of who we are, which is likely far more interesting and loveable.

Why would someone be ABDL if the world seems to dislike them?

The individuals who get the most airtime in the public sphere regarding ABDL's tend to be mostly the community's outliers. The goal of most television is to gain viewers, rather than to educate, unfortunately. 

As the saying goes with the media, "There is no news like bad news." For this reason, a large amount of the public is misinformed about ABDL and ageplay as a community. 

Universally, there are always rotten eggs in any group, but I'd argue that ABDL's have much richer and more authentic personal lives than the average relationship. You may ask, "Why is that?"

One of the most misunderstood advantages that ABDL's have regarding friendship forming and relationship storming is the diaper. This "silly object" to a non-ABDL is one of the keys that fast-tracks intimacy and trust between other ABDLs because of the nature and use of the diaper, explicitly referring to vulnerability. Vulnerability is also the reason ABDL's filter and chose their friendships and ABDL relationships carefully.

ABDLs tend to have a higher-quality relationship because ABDLs have a heightened innate understanding of emotional needs towards each other.

The primary reason for this next-level care is because ABDLs long-for and thrive for "care" themselves. The most significant advantage of ageplay towards relationships is that the practice of regression educates and enhances knowledge of nurturing and caregiving. This knowledge, which stands outside of judgment, can significantly enrich the ABDL's emotional connection and support within relationships (interpersonal or professional).

How would I let my closest friend know I support them as an ABDL?

The real question is, "why do you want to know?" or, "Are you interested and curious about the practice of ageplay?" Many people find their love of ageplay very young or in their early twenties due to many factors. Knowing about the ABDL tendencies of your best friend has nothing to do with whether they trust you. The beautiful part about relationships is that long-lasting relationships are built over time through the smallest of moments. If you happen to be close to an ABDL, they will eventually tell you if they feel safe, and your trust is unwavering over a long period.

Knowing if your friend is ABDL shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship's quality; if they feel comfortable in themselves, they will tell you; or maybe they won't.

In many cases, it is not safe for ABDLs to tell others as many parents or friends can see this as something that needs therapy even though the tendencies are healthy. Misunderstanding can lead to fear and many hurtful assumptions. It is for this reason many ABDL's keep their preferences safe within their own space. 

Chances are you know an ABDL. :D

So what's next? We encourage you to be more open-minded and to stay curious in a world of diversity. One of the best phrases that we overheard during an ageplay convention is that " Kind curiosity makes friends." We couldn't agree more!

[pinkyjulien]

🌈 Queerness in CyberPunk 2077

I wanted to make this post earlier this month but got caught up in modding shenanigans, as per usual~

BUT! It's still June, still pride, so here it is :>

▶ DISCLAIMER

All of this is my analyses, headcanons, of different characters, some of them not confirmed at all in anyway or form! I'm a queer man myself, but I do not claim to know everything about queerness and being queer, everyone experience the game and interpret the characters differently 🤲 This is only my opinions, based off canon game events, clues, hints, as well as developpers's tweets, streams, files datamining etc etc Please do not see this thread as an attack, or as something invalidating! I'm more than curious to heard what you think about my personal analyses, if you agree, if you don't, and why! If you think other characters also display hints of queerness I'd love to hear it too! 💙

This picture is an update I did in 2022 of lil collage I did back in 2021~

I posted the first version on Reddit back in 2021 and it created this whole "what do mean JOHNNY is GAY?" (because a rainbow behind a man automatically means he's Gay and nothing else right) and a lot of biphobia over his character in particular (gasp- THE rockerboy?! Biseggsual?? In my viddy game??)

▶ You can look at the thread here and have a lil laugh

SO, NATURALLY, after doing the 2022 collage, I went and uploaded it to reddit once again! Because triggering bigots and seeing them stumble over their own tongues trying to debunk everything is really funny ✨

However, I instantly muted the thread and let it rot in its own sauce for some days, weeks, only coming back to it later and Oh Boy 👀

I did a thread on Twitter last year exploring everything that was said on the thread and explaining why I put certain characters on it

Thought it'd be cool and fun to re-explore that and share my thoughts with y'all here SO LETS GET BACK TO IT 😌🤙

▶▶▶

I'll mainly paste screenshots of what I already said on my twitter thread, but I might add some things there and there!

Damn I was kinda pissed off back then HGHFHGF but yeah, this is also the reason I won't ever make any straight or super straight flags I do not headcanon Delamain as Asexual, as there isn't any confirmation anywhere that he's interest in that kind of interaction or not, but I'll come back to him later!

Goro being canonly Queer is often missed, and this surprises me, considering he's one of the popular character! He is interested (or not) equally in both Fem and Masc V, giving he's replying to them the exact same ways! This isn't something done randomly by the devs :)

As said in the tweet, there isn't any direct and clear evidence of Mitch and Scorpion being a couple! Their relationship is heavily queer coded and queer people are more easily picking up on it than non-queer peoeple (and that's normal) Gay men have called their male partner Friend, Best friend and Brother through history maaaany many time, and that's part of my interpretation of their relationship too, especially giving they're both veterans who fought in the same war. The poem Mitch wrotes during "I'll Fly Away" (heavily implied) is romantic and gay coded, the gay novel in Mitch's tent (confirmed to be on purpose) is what we call environnemental story telling, it's subtle but adds to a character's backstory and lore! As for the datamining, I found a Mitch awkwardly explaining to V that no, Saul doesn't have any say in whatever he's doing with Scorpion stuff "because.... because... eh, that's just family stuff"

Note on Delamain here because I've heard it even caused some drama here on Tumblr that I said that? He uses He/Him to describe himself, the Main Entity, but multiples of his splites entities uses She/Her, meaning he's literally Non-Binary in how his entity is formed (I find it really cool for an AI ngl ngl) However if my headcanon offended anyone, I apologize! and I'd love to hear others interpretation :3

There isn't any open and visible MLM gay couple in Cyberpunk 2077! Bouncing off ElvenBeard's amazing analyses and thoughts on Kerry's sexuality, he can be seen as Bisexual (confirmed by RTAL themselves) and Homosexual (confirmed by the devs before and after the game released) he can be Both and Both are correct depending on how you view his character and how he grew from his past relationship (Bisexual with a masc preference, Bisexual who have to heal from his marriage, Gay man who realized his sexuality later after a wonky marriage, etc)

The whole "Responsability=Wife" Takemura take angers me to no end, taking its roots in heteronormativity- We see Goro care for his job above all else, to me that's what his "responsability" is and always was; his job

Nothing more to add here- Jackie's only relationship we see in game is with Misty, this doesn't confirm nor deny anything! (However with how he react to V pushing him, lip-bitting and all regardless of gender, I can totally see him as being queer)

AND That's about it!

It was interesting to dig into that thread last year and thought I'd share that here, as a refresher that Johnny is Bi, Takemura too, and smaller characters like Mitch and Evelynn still have clear hints of queerness to them ✨

I really like how CP77 touches on queerness, it feels realistic, it doesn't feel forced; which, sadly, create this problem of "UH?? This is pure LIES" if a character's sexuality is not splattered in your face, which then create the "Ugh why does it have to be forced down our throat" complains

Something something, lesson here is that people will always complain about queerness, be it loud, be it subtle, so fuck it! Scream it, go apeshit over small details, over-analyse everything cause chances are: this is intentional!

More Characters

I later noticed that Regina have a naked lady tattooed on her forearm, and since we know nothing is done randomly in CDPR's video games, makes me think that she might be sapphic in some way ✨

Mateo is also one of my fav "potential queer", how he could be a trans man, but there isn't anything really to support that other than that one interaction with V

▶ Link to the updated collage Reddit Thread

▶ Link to my Twitter breakdown

[multicolorlou]

Nails (Game AU self insert)

Summary: Matthew Lillard!William notices your shoddily done nails and offers to pay for you to get them done professionally.

Author's Note: This includes some dirty conversation, some self deprecation (not in a kinky way), and mentions of not having a lot of money

@truecobblepot this was a headcanon I had I wanted to tell you but since you were asleep I just wrote a whole fic ❤️

It was another normal day at work, Kellen tapped away at her keyboard. As manager, it was part of her job to write up the company newsletter for her particular location. It was especially important considering it was the headquarters of Fazbear Entertainment. She was working right under Afton and Emily themselves.

This month she was going over some of the new performance tapes that were going to be distributed and the troubleshooting that may need to happen if issues arose. They didn't very often, but occasionally those two geniuses would miss something small.

As she worked away, the door to her small office opened, and in stepped the boss-man himself… well, one of them.

"Good morning, Mr. Afton."

She said jokingly, they were already beyond a romantic relationship at this point, but the formalities amused them.

"I brought you coffee." He placed it down on the table as he kissed the top of her head.

"Ah, disgusting, black coffee." Kellen joked, smiling up at him, "I'm joking, thank you, Will."

He leaned against her desk, "What were you up to last night? Usually I get a call from you."

She lifted her hand, showing off her freshly painted red nails. "I was doing my nails!" The paint work was somewhat sloppy and there wasn't anything special about them, but she seemed proud enough, so he smiled.

"I thought girls usually went and got them done." He pondered.

"Well, girls with money do, I can't be spending that kind of money, especially with how indecisive I am." She chuckled, "I haven't had my nails done since prom."

He smirked, she seemed so young to be reminiscing like that. "So, what, two years ago?" He teased her, earning a playful flick.

"Hey, now, I'm not that young." She laughed, turning in her swivel chair to face him. "Man I even got my toenails done, usually I'd think that was a waste of money."

He chuckled, seeming deep in thought. "Is that just not your thing or?"

"Oh, no, I love going and doing it…. As you can tell I'm kind of awful at doing it myself… I just… you know…" She seemed to be getting embarrassed that she couldnt afford a luxury most girls had. "Sorry you gotta see these awful things, but it gives me the illusion of classiness." She gestured with her hand, quickly burying her nails in her lap, now self conscious.

"Oh, hon, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, they look great."

"No, no, I know they're not the best, I just figure most people won't look past the color anyways." She feigned a chuckle and started typing again, her mood more melancholy.

William hesitated for a moment, but then spoke up. "Say, what if I paid for you to go get your nails done?"

She blushed a little, looking down at her lap. "You don't need to do that-"

He shrugged, "Just think of it as a bonus, you work so hard after all."

She shook her head, giggling a little, "Don't spoil me!"

"All I ask is you get them done purple, just so you remember who paid for them." He smirked, running a hand through her hair, he gently tilted her head up. Her face went completely red now.

"Ah- yes- sir."

He seemed pretty proud of himself, "Good girl." He let go of her head and rubbed her shoulder a little. "I can't wait to see those nails next time they're wrapped around my-"

"William!" She butted in, stopping him, she was absolutely mortified- not to say she wasn't enjoying the idea.

"Sorry, sorry…" He was definitely not sorry, not by the way he swaggered out of her office, smug and confident with what he had done. "Just stop by and grab my card before you go get them done… and make sure to stop and… show me." He winked, closing the door.

[isa-ghost]

Thinking abt how like an entire decade before QSMP, Latin Americans and their culture were already so present in my life and I never really properly thought abt that, or how much I genuinely love and enjoy it.

It fills me with so much nostalgia and I love seeing and hearing about certain Latam things that I already know because I'm already familiar with them from the past.

My closest childhood friends were a massive Puerto Rican family, their mom treated my sister and I like her own. We were taken with on outings, given clothes and meals, spent nearly every day all day hanging out with them either at their place or around my neighborhood.

I was the oldest of the group and would sometimes help look after or play with the toddler of the family, who absolutely fucking adored me. I remember just naturally picking up on (or perhaps autistically echoing) some of their Spanish slang, like "chancla" or "sala," and their mom absolutely thrilled to hear this White preteen just casually using it (and saying it correctly!) I told the toddler to find her chanclas and their mom overheard me and lit up like a Christmas tree about it.

I never bat an eye at how they lived, even if things were dirty or broken or whatever. To my 11+ year old ass, they were just poor like my family. The economy sucks, there are more important things to prioritize besides cleaning and sometimes you just can't afford to fix stuff that's broken. Shrug, it happens. That, and I already had a vague clue at that point that struggling poc families were often given even less help than struggling White families. I just wasn't online enough at that point to hear stories from poc about just how bad the disparities are. But still, even at that age, with barely any clue about the real extent of it, I still never thought about how they lived like a xenophobic asshole would. I just kinda accepted That's How It Be Sometimes and rolled with it. I remember even helping them clean the house sometimes. My sister and I were basically honorary family, so why not?

As I got more self-aware, I'd find it so funny that since I spent so much time with them, I'd catch myself (this time definitely autistically) code switching and talking like them until I went home and eventually went back to speaking like,, idk, an average White Midwesterner I guess?? Sometimes I even catch it happening present day when I hang out for a long time with my irl Mexican friends.

One of my mom's best friends online (who we got to meet in person) was also Latina, and she taught us other misc Spanish words and funny stories about them. To this day my mom, sister & I will yell "AFUERA!" at each other and start giggling. It's especially sweet, because that friend ended up passing away, so now it's kind of said in memory of her. She and one of my mom's other Latina friends taught me baby's first Latin Folklore, which hilariously was La Llorona; it freaked my sister out.

In hindsight, I really deeply appreciate getting to experience and learn about it all firsthand before seeing stuff online. I've realized now that it's given me just a pinch more of an advantage spotting harmful stereotypes and microaggressions (damn, it's almost like if you take the time to learn, you won't be such a shithead /s). Not to mention I knew to ignore any garbage said by racists I encountered irl. I'm not the best at wording things sometimes, so I generally let actual Latin people call out bs like that (that and White Saviorism is cringe), but I always try to be good about boosting what they say and backing them up.

And coming into QSMP last year with all that knowledge through experience (and seeing some posts on here from Latino people abt dif things), it made things so much more fun. I'd hear things I was familiar with and get so excited, which sometimes felt so dumb and silly bc I'm sure from a Latino's POV I was just some random ass gringa getting hyped over the most mundane shit.

But it still made QSMP more fun, and I loved getting to learn even more Latin culture through it, because I've long since fallen out of touch with the family I was friends with, and even so, what I was learning from them was specifically Puerto Rican, Latin USAmerican based. There are so many other places in Latin America I never got to learn about until QSMP. Like holy shit, Brazil is so fucking cool and I want to go there some day so bad.

It's been so fucking cool to learn things from other parts of Latin America, especially from people that actually live in the countries, not just USAmerican Latinos.

Idk, I just found myself reflecting on everything for a moment and I'm realizing just how much I appreciate what I've gotten to learn and experience. Latin Americans and their culture are so fucking cool.

[figs-and-cigs]

Dear Ex,

I'm still grieving. After briefly seeing you at events this past week I've found myself ruminating. I'm sad a frustrated.

I thought a lot about closure. Truthfully, I don't need or want closure. I think things ended clearly and obviously, and I'd rather not have to enter another circular conversation about it with you. But I wanted to write this. I won't send it to you. If you asked me for closure though, I would gladly have a conversation with you.

I keep thinking about some of the things you said in your message. They were cruel and unkind. I did not directly defend myself against some of your accusations - because I knew that would be unhealthy. I did state that I was sad you saw me that way. I stated my perspective on how things were handled. That was enough for me. But having sat with that message for a while I do want to type things out - for myself.

I had shared that many of my previous relationships were FWBs. I liked going out to dinner and having sex. The fact that you brought that up in you message and then questioned my intentions with you made me feel absolutely sick! It showed me that 1. You don't approve of my past relationships (I don't give a shit), your message was short of slut shaming (I do give a shit if that's how you think) and 2. That you really did not understand me or how much I valued our relationship.

Like if I just wanted a FWB dynamic with you, I would have said that! I said from the beginning I was hoping for something more emotionally intimate.

You and I only had sex once! How could you possibly think I was only using for sex in all the months we were together!? I cooked dinner for you, I paid for meals when I could (even while I shared I'm on a fixed income for disability). How could you question that I was seeking a meal ticket and sex from you?

I shared time and time again about my agoraphobia and driving anxiety. How HARD those things are for me, and how hard I work on them. Even so, I drove to your house and to meet you places more often than not. I shared a few times that my agoraphobia and fibromyalgia means I struggle to sleep when I'm not home. Even so, I slept over at your house almost every week, I slept over at the hotel for that one event. While those things are difficult for me, I did them happily BECAUSE I valued our relationship!

In your message you then asked, "what do you offer? Is your focus solely on yourself and what you can get?" I'm flabbergasted you would ask me those things! I'm incredibly saddened that, after months of talking every day, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, intimate conversations, you still felt the need to question those things!

In any relationship it's not about what I can get. It's about offering myself to and connecting with someone else. Offering our time, hearts, and selves to each other in whatever capacity feels right. Every request you made, I tried to meet. Every moment we spent together I was fully present and connected. I did and I gave more of myself to you, in a short period of time, than I have with many of relationships over the last several years of my poly journey because dammit I really liked and cared about you.

I will say one of my biggest triggers in relationships is when I feel misunderstood. I shared openly and honestly about my mental and physical health issues. I didn't expect you to understand them. But time and time again situations would come up where it became clear you really did not understand them. My running late for a date because I was having driving anxiety. A day where I didn't call because I was having a chronic fatigue day. Forgetting something you said even though I explained fibro fog. When you asked if I have "black and white thinking" and I offhandedly said it's a symptom of BPD. Your response was always one of disappointment and feeling disconnected from the relationship and rarely one of understanding. I felt pressured to meet your requests even though I was struggling - and I met them more often than not.

And in that nasty message you told me to work on my communication skills, to deal with my disorders. (Meanwhile you blatantly ignored my messages!) You weaponized and misinterpreted intimate details I shared with you!

And then you had asked if you could make requests without me feeling personally attacked!? Instead of discussing my schedule like I had been trying to for weeks, you gave me a lecture about "effective communication" you told me to change my language - even though I was already doing the things you were asking. I offhandedly said that sounds controlling. You took it as you can't make requests!? Despite me constantly trying to meet your requests. I never felt personally attacked until that conversation, until you started asking me questions like a psycho-analysist and until you sent me a message questioning my intentions, calling me uncompassionate, looked down my disorder and still refused to respond directly to anything I had texted. I've taken lots of time to analyze my communication skills since. I've spoken with my therapist, partners, close friends (not always directly about you and the situation). MY communication skills are NOT the problem here.

You want to know the biggest red flag? In your message you said I interrupted you during our conversation. I remember the moment. I said, "this has become a boundary for me. My schedule has changed." And you said you don't like the term boundaries, that you think they're selfish. I jumped in and gave a definition of boundaries. That self care isn't selfish. Sorry, I interrupted you in that moment. But if you don't like boundaries, I don't want a relationship where I can't have them.

So that's that. Now you saying I'm welcome to reach out when I know we're going to the same event. I assume because I didn't respond to the event going on this weekend - even though I said I was going says prior. That's fine, but you can text me too if you want to say anything. I've said what was necessary. What I'm typing now isn't. I'd rather detach than get into justifications and defenses.

Also you showed up at the meet up I go to every week - a meet up you rarely attend, with two brand new partners. In the poly world of course that's fine, often to be expected. But it definitely seemed odd, considering you normally don't go and don't like flaunting your relationships. But whatever, it's none of my business.

I still with you well.

End vent.

[bitterletters]

I'm a bit late, usually am to be honest. But here's Prompt One for Spooktober: "They are calling us…" "Don't listen to them. Do you hear me? Don't listen to a word they promise you!" Didn't like it and prolly won't finish it.

Alice and I moved to her hometown about two weeks ago. I was a college student and Alice was an artist. This meant saying money was tight was an understatement, even with us both working, we just couldn't afford the rent in a bigger city. So Alice's mother suggested we move into her childhood home, since she'd moved into assisted living. Alice was hesitant, but when our landlord increased the rent again, she changed her mind.

The move itself was painless, the beat up van was plenty large enough to pack up her art supplies and my own meager belongings. The house was already furnished, so we left our shitty mattress and wobbly table with its single chair behind. On the way out the door, the stray cat I'd been calling Gregory for a year came sauntering up. He was a fluffy orange beast of a furball and he looked as shocked as I did when Alice, with an angry sort of determination, scooped him up and tossed him in the van without so much as a "here kitty kitty". Luckily Gregory, with his smooshed little face, wasn't offended for long and soon curled up in my lap to sleep as the van rumbled along, sounding just as angry as Alice looked. I asked what was on her mind, but Alice simply pinched her lips together, dark eyes narrowed at the road. I knew better than to push her while she was like that and once we got to her hometown, it never came up again.

Gregory and I settled into the house nicely, it wasn't big or fancy but was it was cozy, all warm colors and family photos in a three bedroom setting. Alice, after her initial anger on the drive up, seemed her usual restless self. That was always her way, it had driven me mad at first, but over time I'd grown to cherish that about her. Her soft pacing footsteps in the kitchen at 3am while she scrolled through reference photos, followed inevitably by me finding her curled up somewhere random in the afternoon. I would usually join her for a nap then and she often teased me, saying; "You're the only woman I know who sleeps so much" I never had the heart to tell her that she actually didn't sleep enough, those two hour naps weren't nearly enough.

Things didn't get weird until about three days ago, I stopped by the nursing home Alice said her mom was in and asked to see her. The nurse frowned, a funny pinched look on her face, like she smelled something bad. "Are you sure you wanna see Ms. Bailey?" she asked in that voice that said she figured I probably didn't. I smiled back, years of customer service had taught me how to deal with this sort of judgmental attitude. "Yes, I do ma'am. I'm Nina, Alice Bailey's girlfriend. I thought I'd stop by and say hello to Laura. What room number is she in?" I thought the nurse might look put out or annoyed with my insistence, but instead she just looked tired and a bit sad. She pointed me to room 43 and I was on my way. When I glanced back over my shoulder, feeling as though I was being watched, the nurse was already gone. I found my stomach twisting a bit with sudden nerves but I figured it was lunch time and pushed the feeling away. I knocked on Laura's door, frowning at how damaged her door seemed to be, something had burnt the wood of the door at some point and then painted rather sloppily over the charring. I soon found myself forgetting about my disgruntlement at the state of the nursing home, as Laura invited me in and we began to chat.

We had such a good time that I lost track of time. It was a good hour past sunset when I realized I was meant to be home hours ago. Laughing at my carelessness, I apologized to Alice's mother and stood to leave. She caught my wrist and tugged me closer with a strength that seemed a bit out of place on a frail old woman. Her hand was cold and leathery in a way that made me want to jerk away. She looked up at me from her big comfy pile of blankets in her arm chair, her eyes were dark like Alice's. She stared into my face and for a moment her expression twisted, looking like she desperately wanted to say something. Laura didn't say anything though, not for a long moment where it felt like I was frozen down to my bones. Eventually she heaved a sigh and looked away from me and all was normal again. "They're calling us, you know." She mumbled, releasing my arm. I wanted to ask more but my phone rang, Alice was calling.

[sayakxmi]

[Magi rewatch] Episode 14: Alibaba's Answer [Part 1]

Alrite, let's get the party started. I kept telling myself I'll watch it today for the past week, and, well, then I didn't, obviously. Certainly doesn't help that I was jumping around the series a little, just because I felt like rereading certain parts, whoops.

I need you to understand that this is what stares at me whenever I go back to that player in the tab, awaiting its moment.

Her

Weird magic shit

Done with the monkeys

Bro, I still think about the fact that most of the fight was an anime-exlusive thing, god damn

,,,that first one kinda looks like it's crying over the (most likely) dead guy, I'm kind of sad.

Sadly, no cool "social anxiety metaphor" with all these eyes, I thought it was neat, but oh well.

You don't understand, he's walking so slow, it looks kind of silly, but also he's leaning forward a little like he's about to punch the bitch (not yet)

Also, there was no cool Alibaba telling people to think carefully abt the whole slave nation thing. Tho maybe it'll happen a little later?

Like, I think 23rd's reaction was really cut short in general.

Also, there's no Alibaba placing himself between Sahbmad and 23rd, god damn it, the anime is just so adamant about skipping these moments. And I find them such an interesting trait of Alibaba - he constantly places himself between the people he cares about (or feels somewhat responsible for, like Aladdin in the 2nd chapter) and danger, literally putting himself in danger in the process. It's... sweet, but also a bit concerning, obviously. Because it's not just a few times, it's an actual habit of manga!Alibaba. He might not always be able to fight, but he still wants to protect others, to the point of risking his life. You get why I say it's a bit concerning?

There will be a scene later on, not in the anime, god fucking dammit, of course it won't, but in the manga, where after getting his shit wrecked by the attackers after leaving Zagan, and also shielding Morgiana at that time, he still drags himself to shield Sharrkan after he gets cut. Like, Alibaba can't even stand, and he still makes himself a human shield. Good thing Sharrkan was still mostly fine, cuz Alibaba was about to take that stab.

I will definitely get back to it when it happens, but, anyway, the anime annoys me for skipping all of that. It happens far too often for it not to be a pretty important character trait.

Anyway, I feel like as he walks, anime!Alibaba looks more... hm, openly angry I'd say? In the manga he keeps his cool, which I think is neat. Like, in the anime he argues, in the manga he states a fact kind of thing?

But then in the moments where he's supposed to look more emotional it feels a bit flat for some reason. Might be because of the artstyle, tho.

I wanted the machete-grab, but the screen ended up looking kind of silly, he looks like he's like 5 years younger than he actually is, which is somewhere past 17. He's still 17 when he leaves Sindria and there's that age thing with Pisti, but I think he's said to be almost 18 then. I'll correct myself I'm I'm wrong, but that would mean he's 17 now (he spent 6 months in Sindria. Which was timeskipped. Of course.)

Bitchslapped as he deserved to be. Also, love how unbothered the guy in the bg looks. Eh, just your regular coup d'etat, it do be like that sometimes.

Oh, but looking closer, he might be actually thinking "god, fucking finally somebody slapped that moron".

Asdfghjkl, how hard did Alibaba hit him for him to spin around like that

Again, anime!Alibaba feels a bit more expressive, while in the manga he seems to be completely calm. Maybe even a little sad that things had gotten to this point.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit overly-judgemental with these expressions and shit, but, honestly, I do think it matters. You get different impressions of the characters, even if you don't realize that. Manga!Alibaba is empathetic but fair, gets overwhelmed easily, but he can keep his cool once he gets a moment to breathe and figure things out in his mind, and then he puts all of his focus in the task at hand. Anime!Alibaba feels more openly emotional, which isn't that bad, but they don't really draw him with the same form of poise Manga!Alibaba is capable of, he's more hasty, too, while in the manga he's more willing to try things like deception rather than fight right away. And while he's still empathetic, he comes off at a bit weird at times, like empathizing with Jamil in the Dungeon, while in the manga he was like, sucks to be you, anyway. All in all, I'd say that Anime!Alibaba simply comes off as more shounen-like than Manga!Alibaba.

And, as I've said numerous times, it's not just him. Sinbad is even more of a hypocrite, and frankly, the anime kind of loses the fact that he's insanely charismatic and good at social stuff in general - he also comes off as more hasty than the manga one. Manga!Sinbad knows how to play the long game, Anime!Sinbad just wants to get shit done immediately. And also tries to get people to fight, while in the manga he more lifts their spirits up, and does support their (well, mostly Alibaba's) attempts at talking it out.

I won't lie, Anime!Morgiana comes off as a bit of a meathead at times, all too willing to just kick stuff right away, while Manga!Morgiana only restores to violence when she isn't given other options. Though the anime does give her more screentime, I'll give them that.

And Aladdin, for the most part, lacks the agency he has in the manga. He's even more of an innocent child, which makes him terrifying, when he does get himself involved with stuff. He doesn't really have a moral compass, it's just, if I like you, I'll help you, and if I don't, I won't. It makes him seem so insensitive, which very much isn't like Manga!Aladdin who, while somewhat confused at times, means well, and is quick to at least try to help, when there's trouble.

Anyway, I'll keep comparing that stuff. Back to the ep.

My beautiful daughter.

Weird magic shit, but also

Ja'far: Oh come on, what is it now?! Woman: Wow, so pretty :D Masrur: (read at 6:15)

Masrur just couldn't care less, beautiful.

Ok, fine, he looks surprised a moment later

These shiny eyelashes, lmao

And he's there

That's creepy as fuck. Awesome.

"That's the guy I'm supposed to marry?"

King?

No king.

I love her face here, lmao.

God, I just love them

No more Kingdom

w hat

Why is Notre Empire playing

REPUBLIC!

Srsly, why Notre Empire

Bro's late, but to his credit, it's for a good reason.

Technically he doesn't look happy and all, but all Alibaba'd said was "Sorry I left, but this is my answer", so it kinda doesn't work all that well :/

[tokidokitokyo]

2022年11月30日

The end of the year is looming, and with preparations for Christmas and the New Year comes thoughts of the JLPT for many. Good luck if you are taking it this year! I won't be taking it, but I am definitely already thinking about my goals for next year. This will be my last regular monthly update, as next month I will review my progress over this past year and talk about my goals for the next year! Let me know how you are doing with your goal progress too!

そろそろ年末年始が近づいて、後ちょっと日本語能力試験も来ますよね。受けてる皆さん頑張ってね！私は日本語能力試験を受けませんが、もう来年の日本語の目標について考えていますよ。今月のアップデートは今年の最後の普通のアップデートですよ。来月は2022年の成長についてを書いて、来年の目標の話をしようと思っています。皆さんの目標の進歩は今までどうでしたか？

My Goals at the Beginning of the Month

Spend at least 10 minutes per day studying Japanese

Reading practice daily (articles, manga, books)

Review 5 kanji a day

Active listening practice once a day

How I Studied This Month

Spent at least 10 minutes studying Japanese almost every day 〇

Read (article, manga, book) once a day 〇

Reviewed 5 kanji about once a week or so ✕

Actively listened to the news, a movie, or kids' shows every day 〇

〇 = completed, △ = partially completed, ✕ = did not complete

Primary Study Tools/Methods

Articles (NHK News Easy)

Manga (月刊少女野崎くん・Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun, おじさまと猫・A Man and His Cat)

Books (コンビニ人間・Convenience Store Woman)

Children's shows (いないいないばあっ！・おかあさんといっしょ・アンパンマン・ギョふんでサカナ★スター)

Netflix children's shows in Japanese

What Were My Strengths?

Reading - I was able to read short articles daily, and manga or books when I had a little extra time

Listening - I can fairly easily pick up the dialogue in the children's shows, although it does help that I watch the same shows over and over again (love that repetition), and I even learn stuff (animal names, various phrases, etc.)!

What Were My Weaknesses?

Kanji - I have been slacking off on my kanji -practice during the second half of the year so I'll need to find a way to reintegrate it into my daily study habits. I used to do flashcards daily, but I'd like to try to increase the number of new kanji I'm learning too

Writing - I haven't been writing much in Japanese either, and although it wasn't a goal, I find that the lack of practice shows

Other Study Methods I'd Like to Try

Writing Practice - I do occasionally write on tumblr, but I'd like to write more often, and if possible get it corrected

Workbook - I love using the 総まとめ (Sou-matome) series workbooks (vocabulary, grammar, kanji, listening) but I don't have much time to pull them out and sit down to work on them, but I'd like to do more workbook study if I can

Grammar - I enjoy the short grammar videos from 日本語の森 (Nihongo no Mori) and I would like to get back into watching these videos a few times a week (and taking notes)

Keigo - I'd like to work on learning formal Japanese better, to improve my speaking ability when in conversational situations

I always say that the most important thing to improve your Japanese (or any language or skill for that matter) is to practice daily. I think that having daily conversations at home in Japanese helps me a lot, but the extra effort I put into continuously studying and trying to stretch myself and learn more really does pay off. When I use a new vocabulary word that I've taken the time to internalize in front of a group of people, they don't even notice the huge accomplishment it is for me, but I feel quite proud of myself when I can seamlessly communicate with native speakers for a majority of the time. When I learn something new about an animal and can communicate it to my son in Japanese, I feel excited about learning new things. When I can read and understand a whole sentence without looking up a single kanji or word (even if I'm guessing at some of the meanings), I feel quite pleased with myself.

Taking a look back at the time and effort I put in to my studies, I think that these small wins should be great sources of pride (for myself and for you too!). What are the things that you notice about your own Japanese progress?

いつも繰り返し言うのは毎日日本語を勉強するのは目標の進歩に一番大事なことだと思います。他の言語の勉強やスキルを習いにも当たり前ですよね。うちには毎日日本語で会話するのは大切だけど、その日常会話以外に勉強の努力も大事だと思います。「今」の能力よりもっと上に上がりたいと思っている気持ちも大事だと思います。例えば、人前に新しく習った単語を正しく使う時や、日本語で息子に新しい動物について通じられる時や、辞書を使わず文書を理解ができる時、とても自慢したくなります（笑）

今までの日本語の勉強の努力を考えると、別にちょっと自慢してもいいかなと思っていて、皆さんも自慢していいと思います。皆さんは頑張ってて、成長していて、すごいと思っています！皆さんの進歩について何か気づいたことがありませんか？