#won’t lie tho a lot of my more recent choices

[beetlebumeffect]

hi everyone

i might be writing this for no one to read, and it’s for no one in particular, just gonna share some things

i’ve had this tumblr for at least 6 years and it’s been an on and off relationship, mainly cause I don’t use tumblr anymore, but also because i’ve been up and down in terms of my eating habits.

life has been better since my last food rant 3 years ago. i have gained more weight, 14 kg more from my last weight in here to be exact. i’ve also gained love, a job where im appreciated, some friends that support me and love me, my own independence (i live alone now!) and my own freedom. while all of this was happening I stopped worrying about what I looked like, I actually learned to find beauty in the way I looked. when you have people around you telling you you’re beautiful all the time you start to believe it.

recently I haven’t felt so beautiful tho. i’ve felt the weight (no pun intended) of all these years in the way I looked. i’ve had some instances where i was reminded how bigger i actually got and I won’t lie, I fell into bad habits of starving to maybe, somehow, fall back into the same pattern. this did not work. i’m not the same person I was when I was at my lowest weight, because I was at my lowest emotionally too. I was 16 and depressed. I always had problems with food, unrelated to weight, so that point was just what broke the camels back. i’m 24 years old now. i’m an adult. I have a job, a boyfriend, a friend group. I have an actual life. I don’t want to spend it starving anymore.

thats why I decided to do things the right way. I’ve been having two meals a day, eating below 1000 calories daily. I eat everything I like just in smaller quantities, or replace things i used to love for things that are healthier but give me the feeling of still enjoying what i like. i’ve also been more active. i work from home so big portion of the weight i gained was from eating poorly and not moving at all during the week. so i’ve bought a bike that i use everyday and i take walks every week, at least 2/3 times a week. i started about 3 weeks ago. so far I lost 2,5 kg. i’m working towards losing 28 by the end of the year but there’s no rush. i wanted to change my habits rather than just feel like im on a diet everyday. i’m trying to heal my concept of food, my relationship with it. it’s hard sometimes when i just want to have more or just want to eat something that i know is full of calories. but i work around it. learning to eat mindfully and not because i Want to eat is what’s been helping a lot. I’m also fasting for about 18 hours a day. I have an eating window of 6 hours but I don’t eat snacks or breakfast. it’s been working well so far, but if im hungry after a meal I’ll definitely have a banana or something lol, even if its considered a snack. i’m trying to not be too strict with myself, still making calorie efficient choices but not punishing myself if i have a bit of cake at a birthday party. its hard for me, but im getting there.

anyway this turned out to be a big ramble, i guess what i want to share in here and the reason why i wanted to post it is because sometimes all you need is one person to love you right, to love you the way you deserve. someone to change your perspective on you, to show you how great you are and that you’re more than what your head tells you. i wish and pray for everyone to find that person, whoever it is, a friend, a lover, a family member. we all deserve that love and connection, it is healing, freeing.

i will try i to come in here from time to time and update or try and keep this semi active. I like having a place where im no one and i can just share my thoughts freely.

if someone actually read all of this, thank you! i hope you wish me luck on my journey and I wish you all the best on yours, wherever you are in it.

[sindumpster]

When you upload vore/belly art I can tell it's your art from the stomach alone just by looking at the thumbnail :v But aside from the general style I'd definitely say you're recognizable from the faces you do, I like the style for the eyes and overall your faces are very expressive

Ho dang that is high praise if you can recognize it just from the tums OTL. And honestly really pleasantly surprised too? I didn’t expect that to even be mentioned cuz I assumed I was going pretty generic lumpy vore with them so aaaaa.

Heck tho faces/expressions are one of my fave things to draw (and noses, all snoots must be boopable), so I’m really glad they stand out. Esp eyes, kinda stumbled across making them bigger and more circular when I was like 16 or 17, doodled them on a whim for a character study/meme thing and it just stuck cuz hey, big eyes are expressive, and anime and didney know this too. Will admit adding the eyeshadow or whatever it is later on was helpful too? Emphasizes expressions since people look for that implied ocular shape that’s formed by the interaction of the eyes and brows, and since I tend to draw a lot detail stuff, it’s a way to focus the attention back on those implied shapes, and make eyeshape stand out more too by contrast. Which like, I did not realize the principle at time cuz no way am I that smart, learned it much later from a tutorial about making expressive masks and made the connection XD

Legit tho thankee and hope you don’t mind that I just kinda, rambled a bit about eyes lmao

[shingia]

✗ HQ BOYS DOING YOUR MAKEUP

-> this random idea popped in my head recently and i thought it was pretty cute so here it is ( ͡❛ ‿ ͡❛)

-> general plot : basically, you broke your arm and need them to do your makeup for you 

-> suna, akaashi, tsukishima, semi, bokuto, kenma

— SUNA

• he’s living his youtuber fantasy, let’s be honest here

• and by that i mean that he records every step of the process. he also does this thing where he shows the products to the camera with his hand behind to make the lens focus

• i’m pretty sure he would sit you up on the counter and make you wrap your legs around him to keep him close (bye i’m evaporating)

• getting your eyeliner right on the first try is a huge flex for him. getting it even on both eyes is an even bigger one

• and he brings this up every time you’re mad at him

• « ok yeah i forgot to make dinner. but that eyeliner from last week tho… »

• most definitely has a playlist playing in the background, and you get to choose the songs because you don’t have anything else to do

• he only realizes how much he enjoyed doing this after many hours, and he probably ends up asking you to do it again at like 1am or something

• and if you accept, watch him go above and beyond to do better than the last time, because this time he is committed

• even if he knows you’re not going anywhere btw, he doesn’t really care he just wants to take a few pictures of you before you take it off and go to bed

• (he made her promise not to say anything but he definitely asked his sister for advice just because he wanted to impress you)

• oh and, he puts too much lip gloss on purpose, because he obviously has a good idea to take half of it off :)

— AKAASHI

• obviously he immediately accepts - with your arm in a cast, you could ask him anything and he’d do it in the blink of an eye

• he insists on watching a youtube tutorial because he’s not confident enough to do it without any guidance, and he follows it diligently from a to z

• he’s probably the slowest of all but that’s just because he’s scared of messing up

• and also because he thinks you look really pretty when your face is so relaxed, he can’t help but give it a few kisses every now and then

• after every stroke of the brush, he takes a step back just to make sure that it still looks good - and it does

• he also starts humming at some point, and he would be very pleasantly surprised if you started humming with him

• he refuses to use the eyelash curler because he thinks it’s absolutely terrifying (i have to agree with him)

• however, he asks a lot of questions about the rest of the products because he’s genuinely interested and wants to learn new things

• but tbh i don’t think he would be completely clueless, for him the basics of makeup is just general knowledge

• he also keeps a few samples of your products in his bag in case you need to do touch-ups during the day

• also he cleans the brushes when he’s done <33 what a king

• and he definitely offers to do your hair afterwards since he knows you’re struggling with it too

— TSUKISHIMA

• « not doing that, no way. ask someone else » is his first reaction. but it’s just because he knows he’s going to be terrible at it

• but he accepts after a few minutes of negotiation (because he wants you to stop whining)

• so you drag him to your bedroom and sit between his legs by the window to have a better light ; honestly, it’s ideal work conditions

• surprisingly enough, he does a very good job with eyeshadow. which means that his confidence is now through the roof

• but it all goes back down in a second when he gets started on the eyeliner

• he tries to avoid this step by telling you that you would look much better without - but you really really want to see him try, so he has no choice but to give it a chance

• it looks awful

• he gets it right after his fifth try tho, but your eyes are very irritated

• because he put so much effort into this eyeliner wing, he spends the rest of the day making sure that you won’t rub your eyes and ruin his work

• although he will never admit it, he thinks it’s actually a pretty fun thing to do and he wouldn’t mind doing it again

• but he would rather do it on a day where you don’t have anything planned, because he could start making out with you without hearing that « we don’t have time for that »

— SEMI

• oh it’s definitely not the first time, he’s already pretty experimented

• which means that you don’t have to check on everything that he does, just let him do his thing and you won’t be disappointed

• he probably asks you to show him your outfit so that he can do a makeup with matching colors <3

• there’s one thing that drives him absolutely crazy, and it’s dark red lipstick. so brace yourself because he will put it on you no matter what

• oh and, remember that tongue thing he does before his serves ? yeah well he does that when he’s applying the lipstick as well

• i think he would eventually want to try bolder makeup looks, and if you’re too shy to wear them outside, he would !hype!you!up! until you change your mind

• if i’m being honest : your makeup has probably never looked this good

• it’s pretty frequent that he ends up putting on some eyeliner on himself, and he wears tf out of it

• since he can get pretty protective, he’s usually not a big fan of other people praising you. but he won’t mind if someone ever compliments your makeup

• but what semi loves more than makeup itself is that he gets to take a very good look at your face from every possible angle

• and he loves to discover new things about you, like a hidden mole next to your ear or a dimple under your lips for example

• honestly he knows your face so well that he could probably draw a realistic portrait of you without looking at any reference picture

— BOKUTO

• really really excited about it, and also honored to know that you trust him enough to do that !

• so get ready to spend the next thirty minutes sat on the bathroom floor surrounded by literally every product you own, because bokuto is very curious about a lot of things

• he is so frustrated to see all the different eyeshadow colors and not getting to use them all

• so he’ll probably ask to do your makeup another time just because he’s really intrigued by ‘this sparkly purple shade’

• he’s also very interested in touching all the different textures of your products, so he tries them all on the back of his hand (which looks like a mess by the end)

• he has a hard time finding the angle he’s most comfortable with so he probably moves a lot

• one second he’s sat in front of you, the next he’s behind your back and tilting your face up

• i think he would definitely squish your cheeks with one hand while putting lipstick on with the other

• he also needs constant approval on his work so he keeps a mirror within reach and waits for you to confirm that it looks good every now and then

• you might have to lie to him on his first tries tho, because he’s definitely not a natural (but that’s ok, he’ll get better)

• however, he is always proud of his work and shows you off 10x more than usual for the rest of the day

• and he gets really sad when you take it off in the evening (cue sad puppy eyes)

— KENMA

• if kenma’s going to do your makeup, he’s going to do it right

• both sat on your bed, he’s holding your head still with one hand on your cheek. and don’t you dare sneeze, smile or breath too loud : he needs to focus

• he is so concentrated that he even sticks the tip of his tongue out, and he has a frown on his face the whole time, like a painter working on a million-dollar canvas

• especially for mascara, he’s so scared to poke you in the eye that he requires absolute immobility

• and yes, he will get mad at you if you start to laugh or move too much, i mean come on he’s trying to do serious work here!

• but he just looks really cute when he’s so focused <3 you can’t help it

• however, he goes back to being his laid-back self as soon as he’s done. and he spends a lot of time staring at you for the rest of the day because he’s lowkey proud of the result

• also, don’t let him do your makeup in his bedroom, because the light coming from his setup is probably terrible - so you’ll have to drag him out i’m sorry

• he might lay you down on the couch and straddle you so that he can rest his elbows when he leans forward to reach your face

• oh and : seeing you wear « his » makeup and his clothes simultaneously drives him absolutely crazy

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

[grahamcarmen]

Hi, so I just finished the new season today! I have so many thoughts, the last few episodes felt kind of rushed? I wished they had gone about the whole situation between Gray and Carm at the end differently. More so on seeing them reunited. My biggest question, is why was he so quick on going back to VILE? He knew what they were capable of yes, was it to feed his criminal impulses? Why did ever want to steal in the first place? What led him to that conclusion and how did he learn of VILE? I was keen on seeing more of his backstory, and still need time to let the story simmer so I can analyze it more. It's just confusing. I guess it's just because the show ended that I feel so bittersweet y'know. What do you think Carmen would've done after they all disbanded? How could she leave them so quickly after she just got back to Team Carmen in the end? Besides wanting to see her mother. I was hoping they'd at least stay together.

i think that more than a few people feel that ( the knee jerk incredulity at her just leaving them a note and yeeting was real)

like disclaimer again: i do love carmen and this season this is just expanding on some little ??’s

on gray and “thinking gray.”: I was also feeling the lackluster on the payoff motivation wise for gray returning to VILE ( which was definitely needed as he was the secret weapon needed to finally get evil carmen back and at least partially inevitable due to ownership of the choices yadadadada )but like when he finally got his memories back he just repeated some things that i never really doubted. that gray did this of his own free will, he probably is of a lower empathy in general (which does not mean incapable of caring and doing the right thing. just that..~~~), that he regretted hurting carmen. in s1 he says his primary motivation as making more money and i was like”mmhmm fits.” being a thief and all and why not since they hadn’t introduced the big “needs to be able to tie up loose ends.” as a operative qualifier to anyone, including some of the recruits there. the only newer thing was his video that he seeked them out. which is interesting and all but sets him up as a go-getter so its so confusing that he’d choose to return to VILE ...a place where he was hurt and is so freaking selfish with what capers they choose to pursue. i kinda went on a tangent on another post that there is a theme of using a false sense of bonding to give them a little more loyalty which is like really heavy considering that means offering a “home” to what looks like operatives who might all be orphans but i don’t think it was highlighted enough to say “HEY YO” even tho GRAY LOOKS SO TIRED TO LEARN ABOUT HIS PAST WITH VILE

its really interesting because of the 3 people who had access to him/nature we got; carmen who only encouraged his desire to help (for the kiddos, for her safety, for assuring her that they were in...whatever... together, and make sure that they weren’t being secret spy jerks) ACME who got like...0 usefulness (riperonis ma guys), and VILE with maelstrom just hammering home all his shadier deeds with  “YEAH THIS IS YOU.”  AND HIM JUST ACCEPTING IT AFTER SITTING FOR A LONG AF TIME ALONE.

and when this was happening I was thinking about this analysis from another fandom about characters who resign to the law of the strong which could have been a reason for why gray doesn’t seem to hold the consequences for his failure against VILE even though he really should. (if they bothered but listen-)

its something that happens when characters choose to live in worlds they know are unfair, know that they choose to lie and steal and cheat, and thus should not be surprised or hurt when it happens to them in return. which of course lead to them not knowing where to draw the line on what happens to them...and i mean this in like some narratives usually go (hahaha no thats messed up please gtfo being treated like that is not ok and in allowing others to define your limits you are whittling yourself away). and they decide to live in resignation that. i am capable of bad... so i AM bad. (I am that guy. i’ve always been that guy) and makes them absolutely ripe for the (but you’ve been good . you can choose to be better.  it won’t erase the wrongs of the past but it will make for a better future)

but that still leaves exploration of “WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE BY THE LAW OF THE STRONG??” and you know...not having anyone to rely on, poverty, or what was simple rebelliousness turning to darker and darker paths, are some easy reasons to put a spotlight on maybe our operatives having depth and like..arcs. especially any of those reasons combined. ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY’RE WHAT VILE CONSISTENTLY IS SHOWN OFFERING. (shadowsan really is their s-tier character huh)

which i really thought this show would go for when a shivering brunt who is loyal and protective asked if she was really going to be left behind or remember how unsympathetic most of them seemed to see carmen chloroformed because “she did interrupt our heist.” meaning that they understand this world. probably have understood it for longer than anyone should. (antonio being content as a “pawn” is the tenant in my head today) and why shouldn’t more money be important. or honestly how simple it was to accept that someone would just need more money.

with gray they introduced that he could be good and he could be bad but like leaned into “no all that niceness was fake and he’s bad.” due to the hyper specificity of the mind wipe apparently? which also leans into really flat interpretation of evil!carmen (i just mean that there is a lot there ...) meaning theres no really exploration of him and more of a judgment (even though he’s shown to be kind, snarky, and upfront, as himself without a mind wipe.) and then we wait...

the pacing of the last 2 episodes: adrenaline bebe!!! but also there were so many concepts being introduced and resolved and skimmed past so that it is a little confusing at some conclusions. like the scene you’re talking about where carmen just leaves a note and ghosts is like 30 seconds and thats a lot to unpack because ?? i’m really thinking that it might have been insinuating that carmen left them the pen specifically to give them a new home to wait for her because she was going on that little break like she planned (and they knew was the endgoal) because it was behind her note and presumably placed by her but because i was focusing on the letter goodbye like ??? i thought for some reason that it was zack saying he would now like to try ACME because HE thought of it and i was like ??when did you consider this?? and 3rd watch i was finally “ahhh ok ok i think i get it.”

another bitten off scene i think might have been when gray in his first mission is already exhibiting signs of going...”huh this is not good.”

from stopping carmen from unprofessionalism to seeing that new carmen is willing to up and leave the group for mental gymnastics instead of relying on them 100% to going to the ferris wheel where he DEFINITELY SAW HER TRYING TO KILL A CIVILIAN since it showed his reaction after ivy’s. and then it turn to team red because how they feel about it definately matters more than gray but its also so easy to miss that choosing to have gray witness that as the start of what makes him turn himself in (maybe this is just a possible interpretation and its midnight ok)

evil carmen! lost her empathy. ok. so then like thats a static judgment about how they’re gonna make her do bad stuff and she still absolutely cares about her history and VILE still needed to enforce bonding and giving her memories that they comforted her and gave her her coat so thats why she cares about it and her anger at betrayal and sense of loss that she still throws right in shadowsans face when “evil”

carmen thought she crossed a personal line?? like jeeeeeez that’s 6 months of crossing lines and the most recent and horrifying one happened like not even a minute ago and then 5 seconds later we get chief and her reconciling because yes it needed to happen so we’re not gonna address how traumatizing it was or

VILE JUST WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN HUH??

and all these things are important and have the groundwork for happening but man they just happen one after the other and its like

before moving on to the next thing and like let me breathe omg

and yeah that means that so many people were left confused because the show about family (carmen’s family that SHE built ) seemed to disband for carmen to go to see her mother at last alone, shadowsan to go to his brother and a heartbroken pair of red heads to join ACME

and we get a time gap before reuniting but only a few seconds to decide if reuniting was the plan all along(the pressure point)

and there is a lot of actual IN TIME that is broad strokes that many people have already picked whats going to haunt them that wasn’t explored more...

TLDR; i get it on both counts (gray and rushed)! glad there was some sweet in your bittersweet and since canon definitely had team red in the same place they absolutely reunited and moved back into the shop and carmen talked to them about how great her mom is and planned a dinner

[oofchris]

⌠ MADISON BAILEY, 19, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, CHRISTINA ' CHRIS ' ANDERSON! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in MACGYVER SURVIVAL SKILLS & NAVIGATION + PROTECTION & ENFORCEMENT; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( speckles of dried paint on fingers, cruising round on a longboard, joints tucked behind ears wrapped in colourful papers ). when it’s the ( sagittarius )’s birthday on 12/27/2001, they always request their PHO from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ mochi, 24, she/her, gmt ⍀

@gallagherintro​

hi uwu, here is a new baby who is not very baby but still a lil baby

 . . . it got quite long so tldr; she’s a stubborn art hoe from california who’s dad died so she’s come to gallagher bc her mom is a professor in the p+e major <3 

parallels

wyldstyle  — the lego movie: 85%

mulan — mulan: 84%

nymphadora tonks — harry potter: 83%

princess fiona — shrek: 83%

robin buckley — stranger things: 82%

here is a full list

HISTORY

potential triggers — car accident, parental death, divorce

so she’s grown up on on the west coast p much ??? her whole life. her mom worked as a bodyguard for sum famous peeps, dad was doctor but occasionally also a medic in the field — they didn’t always see eye to eye and divorced when chris was around nine. it was mostly to do with chris’ future like whether she’d go to spy prep school and follow in their footsteps and her dad didn’t want that for her so they disagreed, and she lived with him instead, living a more or less normal life. her mom then moved away when the opportunity to become a professor at gallagher presented itself, so they’ve really not been close at all since then

lived fairly comfortably, either way her dad had money and her mom sent support too. her father definitely earns less from no longer being in the spy world but he vowed to leave that behind when he divorced his wife and other than a few people from his past popping up unannounced, he kept that vow. they moved around a couple times in order to keep chris safe, and especially when someone did find them ( even if it was friendly ) but mostly grew up in california, and a lot of it is to do with the fact chris loves it there so much

but chris knows about the spy world, what her mom does and the type of school she works at, but it never interested her enough to try and reach out or fight her dad on it as she enjoyed her life 

she remembers her mom as someone stubborn, argumentative, volatile which is the opposite of her dad who was patient, loving and endearing — so it’s a no brainer for her, she loves her dad a lot and he gave up a lot for her while her mom gave chris up for that world, her job, etc aka nada

BUT her dad died in a car accident recently that she was also in but was only a bit beaten up at most ( has some cuts / new scars, learn more below ) leaving her mother to swiftly pick her up and enrol her into gallagher, more to keep an eye on her than anything. 

her mom chose her majors and some of her classes for her, which chris is mad about, but mainly bc looking at what ones were offered she’d def pick macgyver anyway, and her mom argued p+e was a step into the physical and combat side of thing without being too heavy on it ( tho it’s the major she teaches so she’s biased and chris just thinks she wants to be closer ) but tbh ? chris just doesn’t want her mom to be right whatsoever or have the satisfaction of thinking she knows her daughter in anyway at all but she knows if she went undecided she’d probably pick those up again in her second year so she’s just ‘ going with it ‘ begrudgingly as if she has no choice

PERSONALITY

extremely stubborn, which she gets from her mom, would rather ruin her life than go back on something or admit she was wrong, if she apologises for something she'll find a way to do it where she's not actually ever saying the words ' im sorry ' or ' i was wrong ' and would rather start another argument than do that — but obviously she loves other people apologising to her

she is generally nice ??? i just think she can be irritated easy ?????? like a bit of a hot head tho she'd argue she's chill, she is mostly chill but likes to debate, be right, and can be very my way or the high way at times — i’ll figure her out more as i play her bc i can’t tell if she’s mean or not but i don’t think so, just a bit tougher than she needs to be 

in my head she’s like a seb/luc hybrid so . . . take that as you will 

doesn’t dislike gallagher ( mostly ) but thinks all the legacies — even tho she technically is one, she doesn’t identify as one — are entitled spoiled brats and should get their heads out of their ass, doesn't like that being a legacy is even a thing though a lot of it definitely comes from her bitter resentment towards her mom and how she'd have rather leave her and her dad than leave the spy life hbsjhbsjhb also i think bc of her mom she has level 5 clearance which . . . she’s not complaining about but definitely complaining that clearance levels are even a thing, she’s gonna contradict herself a lot, i feel it

MISC

i THINK she’s only arrived, like, at the start of spring semester tbh, she wasn’t here for fall so she is new new

halfway through her first year at stanford studying art alongside film and media as a minor before her mom brought her to gallagher — which she's kind of not happy about like she understands her dad didn't want it for her, she also wanted to just stay in california but the only family she has now is on her mom's side.

she's still enrolled at stanford, though dropped her minor, and is studying online for her major as she's made it clear to her mom she doesn't want to be a spy so she pulled a few strings with the stanford admission board to allow her studying to continue ( idek if this is allowed i'm just pretending her mom is powerful enough to do it ) — it was a big reason chris agreed to come to gallagher, not that she had much of a choice, bc she wants her ‘ normal ‘ life and her ‘ normal ‘ degree regardless of being at a spy school

only her mom calls her christina and she actually hates it so pls dont unless you are trying to get on her bad side — also she probs avoids her mom like the plague so don’t bring that up either

often covered in little cuts and bruises from her skating but she’s got two fresh / soon to be scars on the left side of her face on the top of her cheek bone and on her jaw from a shards of glass when she was in the car accident — she is the type to pick her scabs until they bleed again, too, so i picture her with loads of little scars especially on her hands, elbows and knees

she did learn self defense from her dad growing up and she has studied jiujitsu and akido since she was around thirteen, she also boxes but it's more casual like for stress and stuff rather than something she takes overly seriously

she likes surfing, diving, enjoys the kind of world that exists underwater where it's just peaceful and calm so she will be around the lake a lot / at the pool if you need to find her

she’s 5’3 and never wears heels

pansexual and while it might change i wanna say she's not overly sexual, like wouldn't have hookups for no reason ?? but potentially some one night stands or drunken mistakes or whatever. doesn't look down on sluts but i think she doesn't have the most confidence in that area, or in self esteem in general, so she'll ??? only really have a frequent thing if she feels Hella comfortable

the type to have crushes tho, but not act on them at all bc again self esteem issues 

bit of a tomboy, skater, stoner — though she wouldn't identify as one — really loves movies and can be a proper filmophile, probably has more film soundtracks on her spotify unwrapped than she does actual artists and don't get her started on Women— in film bc she won't stop 

very active, sporty, probs trying to parkour around campus

enjoys painting, sketching, simply creating things — often is filming, riding a longboard, working on some kind of little project she'll take too seriously but won't show people until it's perfect

is a little pretentious at times ??? doesn't necessarily mean to be but if it's a debate on a topic she's passionate about ( such as art, film, etc ) then she will try to ensure you know just how knowledgeable she is on it, she's not afraid to flex but she wouldn't outwardly flex for no reason if that makes sense 

she also . . . feels p dumb at gallagher tbh, a lot of her strengths lie in her creativity and art and now she’s very ??? wtf am i doing ?? but she will continue to act like she knows !

can speak english, french, german and spanish all pretty fluently, italian well enough to get by, knows a bit of japanese bc she’s . . . a weeb sometimes but also bc of her martial arts

CONNECTIONS

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( SPY ) — so this would more than likely be before her parents divorce, but she’s not against keeping in contact a little if she liked you, it could have also been a family who reached out to her dad afterwards because while he’d move away / hide his location promptly after, he would still help them if they needed it ( 1 / ? )

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( NON SPY ) — same thing, but would have probably been after the divorce, just normal families that her and her dad knew, neighbours, work colleagues, school friends, would more than likely have also needed to be west coast sorta area but if your muse was there briefly, they could have kept in contact once they’d left ( 0 / ? )

LEGACIES — she potentially . . . won’t like you if you’re a legacy and you are egotistical / assholey even a tiny bit, bc that basically proves her argument that they’re ALL like that jshbjsbjs but i wud like her to have legacies that she . . . hates that she likes as well, i think she’ll realise p quickly most are fine lmao

ART HOES — whether they’re into painting as well and they do it together or they let her paint them !

SMOKE / SKATE BUDS — one or the other, both, whatever !! 

A HOOK UP THAT’S EITHER ALREADY HAPPENED OR GOING TO — in my head she’s a bit ??? w sex tbh so maybe plot this out a bit more but can be a ?? positive relationship or a negative one idm

CRUSHES !!!!!!!!! — she’s not even been at the school long but im certain she probs has some already

i’m not good w wanted connections so pls just hmu if u have ideas and as usual like dis for plots / jus message me, i’ll be on discord !! if you don’t have/use discord just message me first on tumblr bc otherwise i wont realise jhbsjhbjhbsj

[stephfento]

( MARGOT ROBBIE, SHE/HER, FEMALE ⟩ we’ve been keeping an eye out for TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD STEPHANIE FENTON lately. they have been living in WICKERY FALLS for about SEVEN YEARS but something sparked my interest more. as it turns out - the FENTON family have indeed tried their best to tuck away STEPHANIE’S IMPATIENT tendencies, but it only seems to bring out HER PROVOCATIVENESS more. according to an anonymous source, SHE can be HUMOROUS. she is a pretty cool SCHOOL NURSE most shocking of all, it seems that STEPHANIE has been keeping a secret: one that could destroy HER life, but the thing is nothing stays secret for long, especially in WICKERY FALLS.

hello hello hello ! my name is jamie i am twenty one and im from the gmt timezone !! im super excited to get stuck into this roleplay and really get to know all of you and your muses ! my alltime fave is emma roberts and a good runner up is austin butler x enough about me tho ! let me introduce you to my QUEEN stephanie.

B A C K S T O R Y

Childhood

Stephanie was born to two loving parents just outside of San Diego, California. Her mother was named Helen, who was a midwife in their local hospital, and her father, David, was a banker, which often resulted in him working long hours, he worked in the city - so by the time he got home, he didn’t really have the energy to bond with his family. Stephanie had an older sister, by three years, named Charlotte and later in her life was blessed with a little brother, with two years between them, named Alex. As they grew into young children, a bond grew between Stephanie’s older and younger sibling. While Stephanie would see the way that Charlotte and Alex would play, she would spend more time with her mother, the two of them felt as if they only really had each other in the house, and over time they formed an inseparable bond - much to the disdain of Stephanie’s siblings.

As the years went by, and Stephanie started school, the rift in their family only seemed to grow. Her parents would argue more, and her siblings would purposely stop involving Stephanie in any plans. The Fentons still portrayed the perfect suburban family image to their mutual friends, to an outsider they seemed like they had everything together, but inside their façade was an ever-growing animosity towards each other. As Stephanie settled into the first couple of years of school she started to make friends, but her mother often found ways to get between her friendships, almost a level of jealousy that anyone would take away her relationship with her daughter. Unfortunately for Stephanie, as a young child she was blinded by the trust she had for her mother. Her mother always seemed to have a good reason for Stephanie to not visit friends, or have friends over, whilst her older sister seemed to have the freedom to see whoever she wanted - but even as Stephanie saw this, she felt it best to not question her mother. Instead, she would comfort her after arguments with her father, or help her with chores around the house, just to alleviate some of the stress.

Teenage Years

As Stephanie got older, and hit her teenage years, she barely spoke with her siblings, and shared a mutual dislike of her father with her mother, as she had only heard the negative stories from her mother - Stephanie’s mother made sure that the only opinion Stephanie could form of her father was the image that her mother wanted. Stephanie found that many of her friends stopped inviting her to birthday parties etc, as she was never allowed to attend anyway. Stephanie would complain about this to her mother and receive responses such as ‘Well are they really your friends then?” or ‘If they won’t invite you places, lets have our own day out.’ Stephanie would agree to these plans without any hesitation, she felt that her mother had no reason to lie to her, and really began to believe the lies that she was being spoon-fed. Stephanie knew to not even try and get a boyfriend, knowing it would be futile, especially with her strict parents, so any attention she received from boys she ignored, even as she got to the age of wanting to experience new things, she knew it just wouldn’t be worth the hassle trying to convince her mother to let her out. Stephanie finally started to realise that she had been trapped by her mother her entire life. She tried to talk to her sister about this but her sister had no empathy towards her, and just replied coldly “At least you finally can have a life.” Stephanie knew her sister was right, but it hurt her. She had no real friends at school, no siblings to share her issues with, and no boys to keep her entertained as a teenager. Through it all, however, Stephanie still managed to finish high-school with incredible grades, which promised her a bright future. Having an empty social calendar helped her to study at home and really achieve great results at the age of seventeen.

One evening, Stephanie was talking to her mother regarding her future career plans. She felt like she wanted to either go into studying Law or Business, and started to look into these fields at colleges around the country. Stephanie’s mother didn’t seem too interested as they spoke about these areas, and seemed to tense up at the mention of Stephanie moving across the country to study. Although Stephanie knew it would upset her mother, she also knew what she wanted to do in life, and how much she wanted to achieve, so for the first time in her life, it felt like she was finally choosing her own path. She applied to colleges throughout the country, knowing that at least one or two would accept her to be able to pursue a great life for herself.

Stephanie’s freedom didn’t last long. A couple of months passed after her conversation with her mother, and nothing more had been mentioned regarding her studies. Stephanie was sat at her desk in her room, when her mother came in, a smile on her face and a letter addressed to Stephanie in her hands. She took the letter from her mother, confused, and opened it. Inside was an acceptance letter to the nursing apprenticeship scheme that had recently opened at the hospital in which Stephanie’s mother worked. Stephanie stared at the letter for a few minutes, as she tried to process the information in front of her. Her mother had done the unthinkable, and chosen Stephanie’s life path for her. Behind her back, her mother had thrown away acceptance letters and written to colleges to withdraw applications that Stephanie had spent a lot of time and effort to perfect, and applied in her name to a nursing apprenticeship. Stephanie dropped her letter and left the house, her mother calling her back, but to no avail. She soon realised she had nowhere to go. Her sister had moved out, but never answered any of Stephanie’s calls. Stephanie tried to contact colleges to allow her another chance, but nothing worked. She was too late. Her fate had been sealed by her mother. She was forced to go into nursing, to work alongside her mother in the same building. But things would never been the same between them again.

Young Adult

Stephanie forced herself through her nursing apprenticeship - not because she wanted to, but because she felt as if she had no choice. Her entire childhood, the best years of her life, had been robbed by her mother. After the college incident between the two of them, things were never the same. Her mother and father finally split up, her mother receiving a big enough payout to allow her to survive on her own salary, in a smaller house, however. Stephanie’s brother, Alex, stayed with their father, and naturally Stephanie begrudgingly ended up with her mother. For a few months, her mother tried to fix things, but nothing would ever allow Stephanie to forgive the betrayal from her mother. Eventually, her mother gave up. They avoided eachother around the house, and even more so in the hospital where they both worked. Stephanie finally knew what it was like to be free. She started to make new friends, she was going out with her colleagues and forming lasting relationships with them, and finally had her first boyfriend, a student doctor by the name of Will. Their fling ended after a few months, but Stephanie finally had her taste - and she liked it.

Stephanie completed her nursing apprenticeship with flying colours, ready to experience her new found love for life, she hunted for jobs around the country, and found a school nurse vacancy in a town a couple of states over in Colorado. She applied - and the next thing she knew she was moving to Wickery Falls. Stephanie packed all of her belongings into a couple of bags, whilst her mother was out at work, and left their house, and her sheltered life in the past, where she felt it belonged.

Stephanie has spent the past seven years in Wickery Falls, with no contact with anyone from her past life. She finally could do the things she wanted to do, when she wanted, and managed to find a love for her job, although it was never what she really wanted, she made it work. 

P E R S O N A L I T Y

Impatient

Stephanie had lost her entire childhood and now feels like she has to make back all her lost time, so she does NOT have the patience to be waiting around - especially for people. If she feels like she is wasting her time by socialising or being anywhere near people she will happily drop them. If she gives you a time, she would expect you to be five minutes early. 

Provocativeness

Stephanie’s wasted youth had her yearning after one thing that she knew she had missed out on... and that was the touch of other human beings. If she could find herself in a situation where all eyes would be on her, she would take it. The shortest dresses, the brightest lipstick, and the designer outfits. Anything to make people swoon at her feet, just so she could have her fun. The thought of being tied down to one person just doesn’t appeal - they’d have to really knock her socks off.

Humorous

Through it all though, Stephanie still knew how to have a laugh, she took pride in knowing that she could make people happy. She spent her whole life trying to make her mother happy so that was all she knew... making people happy, through her sense of humour. Even if she has to knock herself to get a laugh, the joy she receives from a smile outweighs all her emotions.

Wanted Connections !!

Ex-Love Fling

male or Female muses to have had a fling with stephanie over the past 7 years, could have ended badly, a one time thing, im up for any of the dramaaaa x

Current Love Fling

as above, but still going on ! could be fwb, an affair ( ! ) or someone trying to finally crack through stephanie’s hard shell against relationships and be the one x

Ex-Student

someone that went to almeda high school where Stephanie is a nurse, did stephanie help with an issue, did your muse hate miss fenton? is your muse a parent that may have needed to talk to stephanie in the past?

Friends

best friends since they met? on and off friends? friends to eachothers face but secretly hate eachother? stephanie is still learning what real friends are and your muse could be one of hers !

Enemies

ex-friends? did stephanie have an affair with your muses love interest? did stephanie do something wrong? did your muse do something even worse?

Plus Many More

those are just a few ideas! i love to plot and brainstorm and figure out the best options so dont think this is a list of the only things i want! if you had any ideas throw them my way id love to chat to you all x

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 166

Honorable mentions:

I always love seeing a student with John’s old ‘loser’/helmet hair lmao it makes me happy

For the first time ever, when I say ‘Remi, pop off queen’ you know I actually mean it lol

Tldr: the high-tiers (can’t really call them “royals” anymore can we) establish themselves and prove their worths as paragons (perfect examples) of what royals should be and i applaud them for it

The amount of joker masks that the superhero posse brought in has to be representation of their power. Isen, the lowest-ranking of the superhero posse brought 1, Remi brought 3, and Blyke brought 3. You might be thinking ‘hey remi is more powerful than blyke’ but we know that he’s been working hard recently and because he only has one more mask than Remi, i think this idea is plausible. so let me believe that blyke is more powerful than remi please.

Nothing to really say about Isen except that he needs a hug

Going to ignore that remi listed cecile as someone she wanted to recruit help from because i would just get my hopes up

Only occured to me now that i could pull off a John and Rei comparison especially after reflecting over episode 150

Arlo and seraphina give off such close vibes and it’s obviously because they got close (or at least intensely familiar) when they were the king and queen and i just- i absolutely love when plots or characters go full circle and reflect (revisit?) the start of the story even though that sounds anti-development, it’s not im just bad at explanations.

WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR CECILE TO BACKSTAB JOHN not that i don’t like john because i absolutely aDORE him because of his impact on the story, but i just want to see Cecile backstab someone and john is convient

just me talking for a bit, scroll if you want to skip to the actual content i understand ;( :

Okay: so.

I’ve figured out that instead of putting little talkative comments in the honorable mentions like I’ve been doing lately, I can put them here and not feel like total trash and that I’m downgrading the post so that’s fun.

Anyway, sorry if the massive ton of parentheses(?spelling) i'm using is confusing or hard to read. I mean, I won’t fix it, but I hope it’s not too bad ya know

Again: sorry for talking like im texting someone in 2017 it’s an issue, im aware. No one ever says anything, but yeah?? Im sorry???

Im panic-writing this an hour before the new episode drops so hopefully this is up before then, there’s no real hope though it takes me 10 minutes just to transfer this from my google doc to tumblr because i have to manually re-add all of the bold and italics and bullet points. Still not removing this bit tho even if (lmao “if”) it’s late ;)

Talking too much, but whenever you see (?”spelling/grammar/word choice/etc”), that just means that I messed up in that way, but I’m too distracted to fix it. Figured i should say that eventually seeing as i literally do that every post

Next post will not be written in first person at all because i think it makes these feel way too familiar and makes new readers uncomfortable which is stupid but is how i would feel so we’re experimenting. If you’ve never read one of my posts, i just act very informal with everything i do and i just want to say, i'm not in this tightly knit niche group that reads these and that ive been friends with for years. i just. Talk like this. So don’t feel like you’re eavesdropping by reading one of these. I really hope im not an outlier in feeling this way when reading other peoples post because if nobody actually feels this way, im bout to be real embarrased oops.

Im getting the talking out of my system because no talking next post.

Yeah this post is late. But: i stopped for pizza in the middle and my webtoon isn’t loading so im like sitting around waiting for it to

Remi:

    Now, in this episode particularly, it has occurred to me that I need to give Remi credit where credit is due. I made a post (AN: multiple posts but we’ll ignore that) over a year ago talking about her abilities as queen and- I did her pretty dirty. Not unfairly, but dirty. I basically dissed her a lot and said that she wasn’t a good queen in any sense. And I’ve done this multiple times (AN: ignore last AN) because I can remember at least 2 other times when I just berated Remi over and over for being shit queen.

    I’m not going to disagree with myself in this post (because I didn’t lie), but I want to give her some credit because I do believe she has changed recently and it has affected how I view her as a position of royalty. And, yes, while it is unclear if she is currently technically still a royal, what with John having somehow destroyed the entire concept of Wellston having royals (?), she has been taking the actions and responsibilities that a royal would. So-

    What made me want to write this out was in this episode, episode 166, I really realized/noticed her attitude and actions dealing with and revolving around this whole joker situation (currently more about the fake jokers) was?? Actually productive?? To explain: In this episode, we see Remi approaching a group of low-tiers who are worriedly talking about the joker situation and 1. Analyzes the conversation in reference to the measures she, Blyke, and Isen are taking to prevent the situation, 2. Reassures the low-tiers that qualified help (her, Blyke, and Isen [aka the superhero posse]) is doing the best they can, and 3. Asks if they have any suggestions or ideas that might help them attain their goal. Like?? Hello?? The Professionalism? And the way she didn’t let her disappointment that her previous efforts up until now affect her is a stark contrast from the Remi of the past. I’ve ripped her apart because of just how often her emotions would completely overwhelm any sense she had. So: that stood out. But, anyway, big picture again: This whole short little scene from her was so impressive?

    Honestly, the fact that Remi is going through all this effort to stop the fake jokers and make sure the low-tiers are safe is very different than what we would’ve seen from her in the past. One of the common reasons that I kept saying Remi was a bad queen was because she didn’t care about her responsibilities and didn’t take her authority seriously. There are even examples of Arlo, or others, telling her this (the example that came to my mind was when Remi was warning students about EMBER and Arlo stepped in [and the reason behind the events of this example helps to support my next point] {ALSO (sorry) afternote: I was reading through everything I’ve ever said about Remi’s leadership and I used this exact example in my post “Remi” from just over a year ago}). Another reason that I was against Remi as queen, which ties nicely with the previous reason (this sounds like repetition of like two seconds ago when I said that my last reason would support this point, but it’s not because words), was that she prioritized personal missions over things her school needed her to do. I remember being very pissed around episodes 110-120 because she ignored the big conflicts happening at Wellston in order to track down this separate crime organization (EMBER) and took Blyke and Isen with her (royals)(who were both against the idea). And I know that her reason for doing this is valid and I do respect her for attempting to avenge her brother, and I would have let this slide if she gave one thought or listened to Isen and Blyke at all about Wellston. I know this still sounds bad on my part, but it was many instances stacked on top of each other of Remi being, not just unconcerned, but unknowing, about Wellston’s current state as a school. At that time, Remi was the queen, she was one of the school’s royals, whose job was to maintain order and peace within the school. I couldn’t see any instances of Remi even attempting to do that. That was in the past though, because obviously, things are different now, like I said. Currently, Remi has gone out of her way to dedicate herself to the wellbeing of Wellston, that is obvious in the way she has been talking with low-tiers and unmasking fake Jokers. I only hope that her new motivation isn’t just a phase brought upon her due to her personal relationship/conflict with Joker, with John. I want to know if John ever happens to be dethroned or Remi somehow gets her technical authority back, will she still be dedicated to the school, or is her motive purely situational? I hope not? Because we’ve seen lots of change from her recently what with learning of the low-tiers mistreatment and all, so let’s cross our fingers.

    Regardless, there has been improvement in Remi. In her leadership and dedication. And that needs to be acknowledged. So I am doing it. Yeah. Here you go. Badge of honor for Remi.

    Obviously, most of what I’ve said also applies to Isen and Blyke, who are honestly going above and beyond (especially Blyke), just this section is a response to my previous statements of how Remi is not a good queen, not only for Wellston, just in general. And, again, while I still agree with my evaluation of Remi as a queen in reference to her past self and past episodes, This is a new development I felt obligated to talk about. :).

Blyke’s idea (?word choice confuses me):

Wowee this is a fun one. So: Blyke broke up a fake joker fight in a hallway this episode, and i just have to acknowledge this like I did for remi: props, but anyway, I was very intrigued by the way he handled the damage control like?? He refuses for the fake joker to be unmasked (?grammar) and gives the reason, “I’m not about to show his face so that you all can just gang up on him later!” And: applause. I think that this has occurred to me before, I just never dwelled on that idea, so I was taken off guard by this from Blyke. He was able to understand this and form a plan with how to deal with it? I don’t know about you, but that screams king behavior. Anyway, what Blyke does is take the fake joker to a separate room and unmasks him privately then talks with him as a way to both protect the fake joker’s safety and discourage him from any future stunts like the one he pulled a sec ago. And?? This is so great because, guys, this is liTERALLY the concept of like anger management and behavior therapy?? 

I especially liked how Blyke took the time to hear the low-tier out(something that the high-tiers are really starting to do [technically because of john because john became joker and caused all of this {and since john wanted to destroy the hierarchy because high-tiers didn’t give a shit about the low-tiers in a way he’s achieved his goal, albeit unknowingly}]). And, like i literally just said, by hearing him out, he’s creating yet another bubble of safety around the low-tier because immediately after (okay maybe not immediately, blyke did scold him a bit), Blyke says that whenever the low-tier is being picked on, he can come to Blyke. And NOT ONLY does this whole thing help with the fake jokers issue, but Blyke, along with Isen and Remi, are creating trust and respect between the low-tiers and high-tiers. This is them doing the hierarchy right! They are establishing themselves as leaders and as people that can be relied upon, which is exactly who the royals are supposed to be.

Just want to say: He also talked about how the guy who got attacked should also reflect on his actions, and yes, this deserves recognition, but this has been a common theme, so I didn’t think it was worth really discussing. Blyke got bonus points for this. Extra credit if you will.

    Remi’s idea:

    Back to Remi, but her idea about recruiting John to help get rid of the Jokers? Excuse me? The innovation, the growth, the potential. And, I know this was shut down pretty quickly by Blyke, but I still have to talk about it??? And this section is starting off horribly because there was absolutely no transition or introduction but hello?? 

    Anyway, obviously the fact that Remi would even suggest getting any help from John (Joker) is astonishing. 1. He literally beat up everyone present in the scene 2. Honestly from what john’s doing for all anyone knows, he likes that low-tiers are faking being joker (remi even points this out lmao) 3. Again, he beat everyone up? Not exactly looking good for any kind of compromise. And yet despite these obvious reasons, Remi still lists him as a possible ally. Why?

    Because when she met up with him before he completely dethroned the Wellston hierarchy, she noticed similarities in their goals and their beliefs. She says, and quotation marks mean quote, “When I spoke with him… I really thought both of us wanted the same thing… Just that our methods of approaching the situation were different.” !!!!!!! Remi knows that they really want the same thing: a safe environment for low-tiers. That was the one thing that John kept repeating over and over when they met up and talked (episode 150) (other than the fact that royals are shit but-): he wanted to create a school environment that was safe for the low-tiers. Whether or not that’s his goal now, or if he’s acting with that goal in mind, Remi obviously remembered this the most from their conversation because it seemed so similar to the way she was thinking. And Remi thinks that it would be possible that John would prioritize this over his dedication to his own personal project of destroying the school :).

    Anyway, this whole idea is scrapped by Isen and Blyke who give valid arguments as to why trying to ally with John is a really bad idea, but oh my god the way my heart stopped.

    This section is basically a summary and very quick, but this scene in the comic was riveting because of this. I just don’t know what else to say.

[szopenhauer]

If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? doubtful, I don’t wanna hurt anyone, it’s awkward and a lot of ppl can’t change how they smell

Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? used to have one special object, I still hold it sometimes, I suppose I might again at night from Friday to Saturday 

When are you likely to hide your emotions? when I’m face to face with an authority figure like boss, teacher or doctor, policeman too but I never been in a situation like this with them, I also hide my emotions from abusers at times to not show I’m afraid of them and to not provoke them more as well

Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? I guess starvation as it takes longer

Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? it’s their decision to smoke, I don’t approve but I won’t get involved, I can only avoid them

Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? self harm more likely, I mean... I was talking with suicidal people about them wanting to kill themselves but never at the moment when they were doing it so I don’t know if that counts

When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? packing, last day with my parents before I go to the hospital

What is the last thing you complained about? probably health related issues

What was the last curse-word you said? kurwa

When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I don’t fake sick, I might exaggerate but I won’t lie, I don’t want to worry my parents and because I’m chronicall ill I often was going to school even though I didn’t felt like it

Do you still talk to your very first best friend? no

When was the last time something went terribly wrong? basically everything goes wrong

How do you console someone when he or she is upset? depends

Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? no thx

How often do you feel overwhelmed? all the damn time

How do you deal with everyday life? poorly 

Who in your family do you act like the most? my dad

What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? my gf is doing many sweet things 

Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? I’ve never been confronted by the store guard - elseway I would never go back there out of anxiety

Is there someone that makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? my mom

Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? sorta XD

Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? I was attacked but I didn’t fight back so...

A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? dunno

When was the last time you visited a thrift store? recently

Can you handle constructive criticism? I can’t handle any criticism :(

Who is the most sensitive person that you know? me?...

When was the last time you wrote someone a note? few days ago

Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? I always tell

What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? not sure what was last hmm...

Which season do you dread the most? winter

Is there a foreign culture you’d like to learn more about? maybe

Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought “I could have done that?” abstract art

What is the scariest thing about attending your school? which one?

Are you a good judge of other people’s intentions? I got better with time 

Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? depends

When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? my mother sometimes asks me to because she has migraines

When you don’t know how to spell a word, do you look it up? not always *ashamed*

Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? nope but I’m the one that often goes to the bathroom 

Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? sure

When was the last time you doubted your abilities? I have... abilities? :o

What was the last thing you wished for? health... not gonna happen tho :(

How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? several, when I wake up then when I eat and between meals and then when I go to sleep and in the middle of the night if I go to pee

Where do you first remember living? I never moved

First fandom? woah I don’t remember 

First otp/ship? neither

How old were you when you first when on a plane? -

What was your first tattoo?  -

Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? show - She-ra, movie - A lot like love

Did you lose your virginity before you were sixteen? nooo

How many purses do you own? too many lol Are you bi? am not Who was your prom date? I never had one, I didn’t go to prom

Who was the last person to see you cry? parent[s]

Have you ever been used? yep

Do you like when girl takes you by surprise and kisses you? I like consent but... those were the best kisses ^^’’

Have you ever gone for someone despite knowing they were bad for you? I didn’t think about the future nor that I deserve love What kind of gift can win you over? what do you mean by WIN ME OVER? Are diamonds really a girls best friend? not mine, I don’t care for diamonds 

Have you ever dated someone with a child? no way  Have you ever dated someone shorter than you? Sarah was shorter

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? my parents and my current partner

What sound is annoying you right now? it’s quiet :3

What gives you a peaceful feeling? sleep?

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? country

Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? taker and user I suppose

Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? early

If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? the truth

Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to outlive their parent? parent to outlive the child because it’s not common

When do you do your best thinking? evening/night

What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? majority of decisions are smth I’d prefer not to make

What age do you think it is most difficult to be? to each their own

Do you think you could handle a day in jail? who knows

Have you ever been on a trampoline? I have not

Do you pretend to be something you’re not to make friends? I’m being myself and that’s why I’m friendless :P

Are you more of a shy or outgoing person? I’m introverted antisocial and a loner but I’m not shy, I can be loud and talkative

Are you more of an athlete or artist? artist Are you the type to procrastinate? I put PRO in procrastination  Do you believe that you’ll always be a kid at heart? ;) What is something you want to improve on this year? health, I’m trying  How many times a day do you get angry? uh oh... If you could eat any food you want right now, what would it be? personal Can you sleep with your eyes open? I’m no Gandalf

Do you still have any living grandparents? If so, how old are they? I don’t wanna talk about that

What’s your favorite computer game genre? simulations Do you have any exes your parents never liked? pfft Do you ever keep things just because they might be useful someday? we are hoarders

Are you frequently in a bad mood? sorry... Do you ever fill out surveys while in a bad mood? I go through soooo many moods before I finish one survey  Are you a fast or a slow eater? slowest among my friends, fastest in my house  How old were you when you had your first relationship? no idea what I should call a relationship and what not  Do you get dental checkups at least once a year? yup Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? mom, sister before she moved out Have you ever used chewing tobacco? tha hell? that’s disgusting!

Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who’s your buddy? not applicable Do you ever sit indoors and wear sunglasses or a hat? hat Are you putting off doing something right now? If so, what is it? drying my hair, drinking water and going to sleep mostly

Are you like me and hoard notebooks and pens? pens now, I stopped buying notebooks... oh wait... no... I just got one because I wanted to save bees, nvm... Are you sitting in front of or by a window? What can you see out there? by, it’s dark but there’s my neighbor’s house Are there any coasters on your table? If so, do they have text or pictures? flowers Do you have a song playing in your head right now, too? not really Don’t you hate it when people answer to surveys with one word answers? lame *I realized I did that myself *facepalm* Ever watched a cat or a dog sleep and run/twitch in their sleep? adorable <3 What’s something we do every day but they don’t depict in movies? it bothers me that in fantasy/sci-fi movies there are no toilets and meals are rare

Is your style feminine, masculine or somewhere in the middle? in the middle, childish yet of an old person haha Do you usually carry a backpack, a shoulder bag or something else? shoulder bag or tote  Do you wear glasses? If so, have you ever tried to fix them when they’ve broken? helped my dad fix his glasses couple of times Are there a lot of dragonflies around your house? they don’t show up frequently

[ogeeitsme]

What's your experience with dormancy?

TW: Sui// mentions / comparisons / death comprsns- this is both positive n negtve b aaa

This is a long post so I’m srry <:^/

Theres 2 ways 2 answr this: how we second hand experience it, n then how we experience it in our systm:

How we secondhand experience it

Turns out, more than once, apprntly, drmncy has actlly been used as a, threat?? DKDJDKN we got som rlly old memories abt Jamie meeting a “System” (idk if they’re a sys, it’s such a long story) n He used drmncy 2 guilt trip her (n she ddnt even kno what systm was @ the time dkhdbddb)

Anywy besides that HUGE outlier, it’s kinda,, rough, bc ur askin 4 our experiences, not our views, so when it comes 2 secondhand drmncy, as in like other systms not us- it’s alwys hard

N it’s RLLY funny ur askin this rn anon bc coincidntlly we just came out of a WHOLE frickin sitch that involved secndhnd drmncy experiencs (again, I mean watching ppl in other systms go dormant)

Like, Jamie’s prev ex had, ppl go dormant, like a lot of em, bc they broke up, n 2 of their mmbrs bsclly sent me wht can be equivlnt 2 a sui note- n I got that note frm bsclly som1 equivlnt 2 my brthr, @ the time, n Sal’s brthr [@ the time] bc they shared the blog

We r rlly close 2 anthr sys whose host wnt drmnt 4 som big rsns (they also have trauma abt ppl using drmncy as an escape route frm their actions, man life b wild huh?) n jst came back so that was rlly wild n hard bc she was (n is) like a mom figure 4 us, esp 2 Peter, n their whole sys, bc they’re median, kinda crashed in on itself tmprrly n it was rlly hard 2 watch KDH it makes u kind of mad @ those ppl who cause othr ppl 2 go thru sm pain thta they jst go drmnt u kno?

But rounding back 2 Jamie’s ex (n I g the 1st exmple 2 b vaguely), that was rlly hard, n bc of that, drmncy is smth we can’t unsee as death anymr

Hey so disclaimer that won’t b in the tags (Bc som ppl dnt read them) n I will pit here just in case: yes we kno dormancy is NOT equal 2 death, dormancy always has the chance of them coming back, b w how we spcfclly exprncd these, it felt that way, esp w the goodbyes, n the crying, n how they litrlly treated it as sui//. Not 2 mention the Older trauma Jamie had/has where His “systm” litrlly said “do u miss him? Well he’s dead now”

It’s hard 2 uncorrel8 them- bc it dpnds on how u go thru it- and anthr disclaimer is that if it’s a drmncy in ur own systm, the brain may b able 2 visualize it as a death, heck som systms we kno have a “graveyard” where all the drmnt systm mmbrs end up in; and of som jst “disappear” n I heard anthr sys in their headspace it’s seen as like pods? Where u can c them sleepin?

Anywy back 2 us- KDNDKNDKN yea, our experiences w it so far has been rel8d 2,,, sui or death :^( not counting the ppl we pass by in random srvrs who talk abt it, this is jst our prsnl ones esp tied 2 systms we were (or r) RLLY close 2

IDK we’re still grieving over Larry n Asriel frm Her systm. Pls don’t send asks saying “they mite come back” btw KJSKHS they mite b even if they do we can’t Talk, their sys is an ex 4 a rsn

Inner-system exprnces

HM so there’s a lot 2 write here b we dnt- uslly have ppl who r nice, go drmnt

It used 2 b only all the very bad persecutors who wld rlly harm every1 who wld go drmnt, our psychiatrist even said, 2 calm Jamie dwn a long time ago when she was given anti psychotics, that the “good ppl wnt go away, only the bad ppl”

b they (those old persecuted) all went drmnt thru,,,,, d//ath, n I dnt wnna talk abt that or how, this is not how we wrk anymr

Then we have Deanne, she was a persecutor who was chngng 4 the bttr, b it’s like,,,, when she realized she didn’t have 2 b bad anymr? She went drmnt?? Like I rmmbr (I wsnt there but u kno shared memory) every1 feeling she slowly faded away until we realized she wsnt arnd

Aftr that, we stoppd having drmncies, b we do label ppl who mite b close 2 drmncy msbmdb (edit: nvm, I rmmbrd Alven n Peyton who went drmnt :^( we miss them, Alven was Matt’s dad n Oeyton was a rlly good ISH )

Bc they’re “not needed” N LISTN anthr disclaimer, by THAT I mean natural dormancies? Not 2 say u go drmnt randomly, I mean that sometimes som1 isn’t active enough or their role isn’t needed as mch,, it’s scary I kno, b it can hppn n it’s no1’s fault, it’s not even their fault,i t jst happns, n that my good anon is a bite sized expln8ion on y u mite have ppl come out of drmncy mhsbkdbdkb

Uhh, we have som ppl who r afraid of going drmnt tho ofc,, n they r trying 2 b as active as they can in sys inspace so they dnt fade

Bc if u dnt wnna b dormnt, trying 2 b more active can hlp!

So,,, we a,so have ppl who came frm drmncy,,,

N that’s Jade, Beia, n Chompy

Apprntly Jade n Beia were frm arnd the same time? Actlly it’s fnny bc we thought Jade was a split of Noelle b we were bamboozled bc it wasnt the case

N then u have chompy,,, which is rlly sad,, bc she cnt rmmbr the year b we found out it was frm arnd 3 yrs old,,, that rlly sucks- she’s a fictive of Chain Chomp n came out of drmncy in a new form (Chompette) smdbndb according 2 Jade n Beia they dnt rmmbr wht hppnd, b it’s like they fell asleep n woke up again

N w Chompy, she explains it as like, , she was a chain chomp, n was chained 2 the back of the headspace, n bc she accepted she cldnt do anyth, faded in2 drmncy bc she gave up? B now she’s back n wants 2 fite,dkbdmdb until, stuff I wnt get in2

I’m not done KDH

Lastly I wanna talk abt,,,, how we feel abt it

I dnt think drmncy shld b smth 2 b afraid of— BUT @ the same time it’s OK 2 b afraid of it, or 2 h8 it, or 2 feel ANYTH abt it bc, almost all the time it’s not ur own choice 2 do so (half the time, based on what we’ve seen, etc)

Sometimes, ppl will c it as a mmbr fnlly resting, sometimes it’s sudden n @ least in the mmnt (or mayb ull never kno), ther dsnt seem 2 b a strong rsn on y it hopnd

Som will c it as death, som will say it’s scary, n som accept it’s a part of being a sys,,, that this happens, n that it will b ok

Bc,,, they can come back, mayb, n that’s sys life

4 us we feel ALL of those @ once

I wnt lie <:^) 4 som oldr mmbrs, we hope they dnt come back, b then 4 som we hope they do com back, n it’s this balance of trying not 2 b toxic-positive n trying not 2 erase the hope if we do wnt them 2 com back

IDK it’s so— mssy Bc u shld allow urself 2 grieve- bc dormancy CAN feel like death (frm an obsrvr?), n o man the syscourse that exists @ the mere mention of treating drmncy like death? Scares me, n I jst wnna put it out ther that it involves a lot of grieving somtimes,,,m yes, it can b traumatic depending on how said dormancy was brought 2 ur attention or knwldge

4 us we’e still grieving over that last mssg frm them, we’re angry 4 those who went drmnt n also @ Them who went drmnt? Idk man

TLDR don’t- I repeat- do NOT,,,,, treat drmncy as the answr

If ur in a systm out ther, I kno it hard, n frick, drmncy is such a complic8d topic in systems period, b drmncy is not the answ

Bc yes drmncy is not prmnnt 4 som systms, (n by prmnnt I mean that sys mite jst not have awakenings as common @ all; every sys is diff) b drmncy is,,, most of the time a scary thought 4 systms

It’s- it’s not sui litrlly, b,,, it;s,, is almost similar IF- n I repeat- if it’s used as an escape, esp in a bad way

N like w sui// we wnt entirely blame you if @ all, b it’s sad- n it’s hard

Bc like ”irl” ppl arnd u who care r affctd- n knowing it’s by ur own hand is hard 2 accept

Bro, anon my dude, I’m so srry this is such a messy post KDNKDND our exprnces w it is so recent n it’s SUCH a complic8d topic 2 discuss w/o fear of ppl yelling @ u abt spreading misinfo

We’re a rlly big outlier 2 the usual sys exp w dormancies bc we’ve had SO many exprncs of it being rel8d 2 sui/ of death from othr systms Onesides our own), n it’s not jst random systems, it systems who we were close 2 n we got hurt by

I dnt wnna talk abt whether or not what we experiencs was real b yea thats our experiences n not the resources,, since that’s the question KNS

[beekeepingangel]

15x03 RANT, CAS AND DEAN’S RELATIONSHIP, AND THE SAM OF IT ALL. 

I was talking about spn on my other blog and got this ask about Dean’s actions towards Cas lately and I clearly had A LOT to say about it, so thought I’d post it here as my 1st official post, since that ended up fueling the creation of this blog. Thanks @cookiesand-lemonade​ for sending that ask. Now bear with me while I overanalyze the shit out of last week’s episode.

I get Dean is going through his own shit, Jack just killed his mother a few days ago, God turned out to be bad, and the mind-fucking realization that their entire lives has been all for God’s entertainment and to add a “drama factor” to his “favourite show” hit him like a truck. I get he is angry, I get this is all too much, I get this is Dean Winchester’s way of dealing with things/feelings. Which is, basically, not really dealing with it. And taking it out on ppl who don’t actually deserve it.

In my honest opinion, Cas didn’t do anything that bad. What would’ve mattered if he had told them abt Jack killing the snake? Sure it was odd, and a little creepy, but then again Dean himself tried to check whether Jack was good or bad using angel’s/devil’s food cake. They all weren’t sure, they all didn’t REALLY know it.

In all occasions, even in the very dim, no-way-out times, Cas has stood by him. Cas rebelled for him, throwed all his beliefs in the trash for him. Imo Cas is very deeply in love with Dean  (but that’s even besides the point here). He has done everything, given everything, he has brought Dean back from irreversible fates way too many times, has talked him out of sacrifice too many other more. And he has even been there when he knew Dean’s choices weren’t the best, even when plans weren’t always the right choice.

So it makes me so upset that after 10 years of this, Dean is being such a dick to Cas. Cas absolutely does not deserve it. I love Dean, I really do, and I get why he’s acting this way, why he always has. But this doesn’t justify it or make it right. He ought to realize that.

Imo, Dean didn’t expect Cas to leave. He’s treated Cas like shit before, way too many times, and Cas has always still stood there by his side, refusing to leave. “Everyone you love will be long gone, except me” is an incredible proof of that. He never had any plans of leaving Dean’s side even though he was a murderous psycopath at that time (with the mark of Cain).

And again imo, Dean got used to pushing Cas’s buttons too much, gotted used to the idea that even tho Dean Winchester hurts the ones he loves and pushes them away, Cas was the exception, because time and time again he made it known that he would never leave, no matter what.

But this is too much. Cas lost his son, Cas lost his father, Cas realized he’s an angel of an asshole lord and his entire faith system is a lie, he recently found out his powers are failing. Dean isn’t the only one suffering here. Cas is suffering, Sam is suffering, this is all just a big pile of suffering.

Cas tries to talk to Dean, so many times. It’s absurd to me that Dean won’t even ask what happened in hell, what Cas had to do. Burning his son’s corpse to a crisp must have been a very traumatic ordeal. Dean didn’t even seem to think of that. Cas tells him his powers are failing, and I think at this point this hits Dean, but he’s too angry to show he cares. So he lets Cas leave, because it’s easier, he doesn’t have to talk feelings, and because that confirms the rule that’s been etched in his brain since he was a child: everyone leaves him, he hurts everyone he loves.

The fact Dean says that when something goes wrong, it’s always Cas, is SO WRONG. He couldn’t be more wrong. They’ve all made mistakes and changed plans last minute. And I think this confirms Cas’s deepest fear, that he’s only needed by the Winchesters when he can be useful. That he’s not wanted around when he isn’t. And to me, Cas did the only possible thing he could after that. He left, because how much longer should he be apologising and chasing after Dean? Dean said the absurd and terrible words “you’re dead to me”, and that, you don’t just fix that by ignoring it.

Now this is more my own take as a Destiel shipper, but to me, that was a classic hurtful breakup scene. Cas says it’s time to move on, Dean doesn’t stop him from leaving (he definitely should’ve), but when Cas actually walks away, Dean can’t help but looking up at him leaving, and I think at that moment he KNOWS he fucked up. So whatever the writers do with that, it’s up to them. But I don’t see a way for them to reconcile without Dean going after Cas and apologising and winning him back. Cas deserves that much.

And finally, there’s the Sam in all this. He’s dealing with his own issues, but he loves Cas, he hasn’t been mad with Cas like Dean has. Sam has always been more rational in times like these, and I feel like he will - or at least he should - have a lot to say about Cas leaving, about Dean letting Cas leave. I guess we’ll see how this works out.

Wow literally thanks for coming to my ted talk this has been a giant essay, I’m sorry I put you through this.

TL;DR: I understand where Dean’s coming from, I don’t agree with it and he’s being an asshole to Cas, who doesn’t deserve it. He gotta chase after Cas and make it right. 

[mermaidsirennikita]

Oh my goddd please do a review of 13 reasons why/ reasons why u hate it cuz I hate it too and I wanna have a salt party 💕

Okay, so I haven’t seen the whole thing because a) I read the book so I knew pretty early on when it would not be For Me and b) IT’S SO NOT GOOD.  I have seen the suicide scene, because I felt like I couldn’t really critique that scene without at least attempting to see it.  And I did watch it, but... not easily.

I should probably preface this by saying that hey!  I do get to critique this from some level of experience, because I’ve been cutting (and scratching with the intent to self harm, but mostly cutting) since I was... 11?  Haven’t for over a year tho, so yay!  I’ve never attempted suicide, but I’ve thought about it a lot.  (Not recently, though--so yay.)  My shrink says my version of thinking about suicide is “passive”, but it’s just as problematic as active planning because it can lead to someone suddenly snapping and just going for it.  So I’m not critiquing this show as someone who doesn’t have experience with the issues it discusses.

I don’t just hate Thirteen Reasons Why.  I hate the media surrounding it.  The way it’s marketed.  The total and complete manner in which it missed the message of the book, which admittedly I read in high school (I think) and don’t remember well.  I do remember that it didn’t seem like some mystery/thriller; it seemed to actually get the issue of teen suicide on some level, and I kind of hate that the author is promoting this series as if it’s true to the book, because nah bro. How much did Netflix pay you to do that?  

There are understandable changes that have to be made, as the book is a much more insular story.  But I remember in the book, the suicide method either wasn’t explicitly mentioned or wasn’t this huge fucking deal.  It didn’t matter how she killed herself, just that she did.  And I think this was??? the case, because I remember reading it as my... not in a good place self, and really wanting to know how she did it.  I dismissed it as morbid fascination, but now I’m pretty sure it had to do with my romantic ideas regarding suicide.  I loved the idea of being found by people because I just couldn’t handle the world, and being mourned, and like--I won’t lie, sometimes those thoughts still pop into my head, and shows like this do not help them.

Basically, this show pushes the idea that it was the cruel world! that left this girl with no other choice but suicide, and I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.  I’m not going to be cute about this?  I have sympathy with people who consider suicide, OBVIOUSLY.  But it’s not a choice that I consider okay.  I don’t think we should act like it’s alright~ for people to kill themselves because the world is hard, because YES I UNDERSTAND THIS AND THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT OUR FAULTS.  But if we act like this kind of thinking is okay, it just encourages people (like me).  I feel like it is DEEPLY important to emphasize that you have a choice, especially for teens.  It’s so important to say that if you kill yourself, that’s your choice.  That is a responsibility you take on.  If people you love have your lives ruined?  Yeah, that’s something you take on.  That has kept me from really going for it in my darkest hours.

And this show just kind of like...  Plays it off like all these other people were at fault for Hannah’s choice?  She suffers, yes, but nobody makes her “goodbye cruel world” it all.  This is SUCH a romantic view of suicide--your life is horrid and so you end it all~ because you are without a choice.  And I’m not saying that this doesn’t have a place in fiction, but it needs to be handled with care and respect, and like, NOT MARKETED TO TEENS.  It’s one thing for the main character in Sophie’s Choice to kill herself after surviving the Holocaust, for example; not saying it’s okay, but that’s not some high school drama being sold to teenagers as a mystery/thriller.

The manner in which this show is being sold in general bothers me.  It’s like, let’s avenge the Beautiful Dead Girl and find out who killed her.  Except it was her?  And like, she’s super dead?  She killed herself?  How is this thrilling?  Let me tell you, if I go and off myself tomorrow, there probably isn’t going to be some ~mysterious presence~ left behind.  What’s probably going to happen is that my mom will want to and possibly try to kill herself, my siblings will be scarred forever, everyone who loves me will want to die for a bit, and everything I will have contributed to society in a positive way will be gone.  I mean, can we not focus on that?

Plus--and this is something that you can chalk up to the book too--the entire idea of this male protagonist going to save the Beautiful Dead Girl from beyond the grave is so offensive to me?  It’s like: self-fridging.  The story.

But also, I really feel as if that suicide scene was... not necessary.  You know she’s dead.  You don’t have to show her sawing into her arms.  You could even have a death scene without showing that.  If it was triggering to me, it will be far more triggering to other people.  My heart was racing during that scene.  And ultimately, do I think it will deter kids from committing suicide?  No.  Because the overwhelming message of this story is like...  She couldn’t help it.  The choice was out of her hands, she had to do it.

There’s this preachiness to how the series is treated too--and I mentioned to another person who sent me an ask that it reminded me of how suicide was treated in Heathers.  “Teenage Suicide--Don’t Do It!” basically.  All of the fanfare about teenager suicide, to me, makes it more glamorous in a way to teenagers.  I know we shouldn’t talk down to teens, but their brains are still developing?  I mean, mine was back in the day--I wouldn’t have seen this show as I should have.  I’ve heard of kids watching this and definitely not coming away with the idea of suicide being bad.  Just like in Heathers, again--the bullied girl, rather than seeing suicide as bad, is attracted to the attention everyone gets from it and just decides that she too can’t handle the stresses of life and maybe it’s an answer for her as well.  Yes, that was a satirical movie, but there’s some truth to that storyline.

It’s just so unnecessary, and I hate that it was made, and I kind of hate that I watched that scene because I think it was just me jeopardizing my mental health to make a point, and I highly advise that anyone who might be triggered by a suicide scene in general and suicide-by-wrist-cutting in particular doesn’t watch it.

I hope this was salty enough for you!

[sakaisgf]

A Tag Game

Tagged by @jaywalkingmylifeaway yes im FINALLY getting to this and thank you~!!!

LAST TEXT SENT: “Did you guys get a late start again?” to my dad hehe.

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS: Black, gray, and blue. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: I have no clue because my phone was dead. WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT: playing games. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: The day I’m free of my high school.  WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOTHER: About... two hours ago?

ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: I wanna eat better and be happier. WHAT’S GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RN: Nothing at the moment... FAVORITE TV SHOWS: I haven’t watched tv in a while soo. FIRST BEST FRIEND: Juliet. I lost contact with her. LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: I paused on ‘Interlude: Wings’ by BTS 3 FEARS: The dark, being alone, and death 4 TURN ON’S: a nice smile, pretty eyes, sense of humor, having a passion for something <-- same 4 TURN OFF’S: Arrogance, being judgemental, constant negativity, being an asshole/dick in general <-- truth. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: never thought about it. SENIOR YEAR QUOTE IN MY YEAR BOOK: Not a senior yet... but I;d probably  put “We’re free” or somethin FIRST THING I NOTICE IN A NEW PERSON: Their face and eyes (i feel so bad aghd) SHOE SIZE: ... I still fit in childrens’ EYE COLOR: Brown HAIR COLOR: Dark brown but it kinda looks black. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING: Don’t really have one because I have a boring af wardrobe thanks to my school. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR I’M WEARING RN: black ULTIMATE BIAS: Uh. Don’t have one. ULTIMATE BIAS GROUP: VIXX (If savi sees this pls dont yell at me (she’d say its DMTN which isnt a lie haha)) FAVORITE SEASON: Fall or Spring <-- saaame HOW MUCH TIME I SPENT ON DESIGNING MY BLOG: Can’t remember it was SO long ago... I gotta change it. THE REASON I JOINED TUMBLR: I wanted to see what it was like to have one. <--- same but also just because. DO I EVER GET “GOOD MORNING” OR “GOODNIGHT “ TEXTS: Nop #foreveralone (if im talking to my friend we say ‘night’ does that count?) WHEN DID I LAST HOLD HANDS?: Erm. I think last Friday.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ME TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?: On a good day it takes me 20 minutes. If we’re talking about getting to school and stuff its like 30-45 minutes.

HAVE I SHAVED MY LEGS IN THE PAST THREE DAYS?: I don’t have to soo... WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?: my bedroom <--- 

DO I LIKE MUSIC LOUD OR AT A REASONABLE LEVEL?: Define loud. my friends say that I have my music loud and I normally hear it at that level soo. 3 THINGS I LOVE: My friends, music, and food (im kidding about the last one. I really mean animals.) HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW: tired <-- same SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT: Final Fantasy XV (no joke that game is hella prettyy)

3 THINGS THAT UPSET ME: Bossiness, ... I cant think of any others right now. WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN OTHER PEOPLE: Their smile, how well they treat their love ones, their fashion sense (also same…lol) <-- same. Also find it attractive when a guy smells super good (just me?) <-- no you arent alone,  3 HABITS I HAVE: cracking my knuckles, i dont know honestly.... SOMETHING I FANTASIZE ABOUT: being on stage with got7 playing a game.. (same). Meeting any of my bias and actually holding a conversation with them, hanging out with any of my bias…you know normal fangirl stuff lmao. <-- same. SOMETHING I’M TALENTED AT: Dancing THE BLOG I GIVE THE MOST NOTES TO: I have no clue... THE LAST PERSON THAT RE-BLOGGED SOMETHING FROM ME: I’ve been gone too long and the person who did doesn’t really use tumblr anymore sooo DO I SMOKE/DRINK?: no. MY FAVORITE FOOD: Mac n Cheese, Pasta, Cheeseburgers, Ramen, I just like food okay? MY FAVORITE DESSERT: Ice cream, mochi ice cream, shakes (does this count) (limited because I can’t really handle a lot of sweets at once), anything with ice cream. WHAT I DID YESTERDAY: Typed a 5 par. essay that was due wednesday, did nothing in class, I went to dance where we added on more stuff to our recital dance.... and I slept. Oh I also added more songs to my phone heheee NUMBER OF KIDS I WANT: No clue. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS I HAVE: I don’t know if I have any biological siblings. SOMETHING THAT’S CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND: How to survive school, scenarios, my friends. LAST PERSON I MESSAGED ON TUMBLR: A person I don’t wanna tag. CAN I DRIVE: yaas WHAT STATE OR PART OF THE WORLD DO I LIVE IN?: America <-- specifically a desert. AM I IN SCHOOL? yep, junior in high school/duel enrollment student in college. DO I GET GROSSED OUT EASILY? It depends. SOMEWHERE I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT FOR A WEEK: South Korea, Japan, other states in America, Europe in general. If I could I would travel to a lot of places. <-- same. I just wanna travel the world guys. I’LL LOVE YOU IF…: you’re there for me, you don’t push things onto me, you give me space when I need it. LAST SHOW I BINGE-WATCHED: Uh. KNK TV. I’m thinking about binge-watching Shopping King Louis over break tho....

WHAT WORDS UPSET ME THE MOST: I don’t really know................ WHAT WORDS MAKE ME FEEL THE BEST ABOUT MYSELF: “you’re pretty” “you’re a great friend” “thanks for being there for me” “I love you” <--- THIS. A WISH THAT I’VE WISHED FOR REPEATEDLY ON 11:11: This is a thing? Never knew. WHO I WOULD SWITCH LIVES WITH FOR A DAY: got7′s stylist noonas <— girl me too, I didn’t even think about this but yas lol <--- tbh thooo.

MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Mint and vanilla. ALLERGIES: None that I know of. SEXIEST PERSON TO COME TO MY MIND IMMEDIATELY: All of my biases. MY CHILDHOOD CAREER CHOICE: A dancer. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES: My body. HOW MANY BLOGS AM I FOLLOWING: 147

HOW MANY TABS/DIFFERENT WINDOWS DO I HAVE OPEN AT THIS VERY MOMENT: 11 ._. COKE OR PEPSI?: I don’t like either of em....... TEA OR COFFEE?: Tea. Coffee is poison. MOVIE OR BOOK?: Book. A SENSE I WOULD BE WILLING TO LOSE: Speech <-- same. QUOTE I LIVE BY: “Don’t give attention to what people say about you. They probably want a quality that you have.” TYPE OF ACCESSORY I WEAR THE MOST: Nothing right now.... I love bracelets tho! LAST AWKWARD SITUATION I FOUND MYSELF IN: Can’t remember WHAT TIME IS IT RIGHT NOW: 10:11PM A SONG THAT’S MADE ME CRY: The song translates to ‘How Much Love Do You Have In Your Wallet’ by Park Yoochun from JYJ  FIRST SONG I EVER SUNG AT KARAOKE: Never done karaoke.

I won’t be tagging anyone. As always feel free to do this!

[positivelyamazonian]

Asky Lulu back again! How much space is given to Lara's and Kurtis' approach to alcohol in your headcon? Core planned to make Lara an alcoholic after the events in Egypt. It's one of the few things I don't agree with them about. Yes, she's deeply depressed/hurt and a bottle of sth may seem to be the only solution; and she's too proud to seek professional help. BUT Lara is smart enough to know it's only temporary. I see your Kurtis more prone to alcoholism than Lara, to be honest...Thank you💗

Hi Lulu! :) Well, it’s always a pleasure to answer your well-thought, researched asks. Though you’ve already read chapter 2 from The Legacy and a glimpse of my idea concerning this is hinted here, it will be a honor to develop this a little more for you! :)

First time I read about Core’s idea of making Lara an alcoholic after the events of Egypt, I rejected it immediately. I didn’t like it. Lara had been always to me like the prototype of strong woman, and - in general, this is not an universal statement - people who drinks excessively tries to drown their sorrows in alcohol to avoid facing their reality. They are weak, and Lara’s not weak. 

Then, after a while, I realized it wasn’t totally a bad idea. I like to see human beings in all their perfection and flaws, the complexity of the human psyche. I just love that. They were trying to make her more human - tho I think she was already human in some ways - so that’s why I don’t think people who have called her an “ice queen” have the slighest idea of what they’re talking about.

In the end, Core discarded the idea and I’m glad they did, for it was too extreme. For her, I mean, not for other kind of character. But she’s always been strong, she’s always being in-control of herself, and ok, I might accept she can take a drink or two when feeling a bit down, but not to the point of becoming an alcoholic. That marks a person per-life - even if you overcame the addiction, it will always be a delicate matter to you. You’ll try to avoid it forever. Seeing a glass or a bottle with alcohol will be always a painful memory, a constant temptation.

Not very Croftish. I’m glad they throw aside that idea, and that’s why I threw it aside too. My Lara’s not an alcoholic, she’s never been that. She might have drunk a little after Egypt, but not to the point of developing an addiction. If she didn’t drink after crashing into the Himalaya’s and being the only survivor, while would she do that now? Just, nah. Her way of escaping things is adventuring, and after Egypt, she might have drink more than usual, and hide herself from the world in her home, but nothing more. The Lara we met in TRAOD is not a drunk. She’s perfectly fine, she even trades with alcohol bottles through the Parisian guetto without taking a sip - correct me if I’m mistaken, but you can’t become an alcoholic and then in only two years grab a bottle and not feeling the slighest temptation of taking a sip. At least, it doesn’t sound logical to me, much less in Lara’s case.

And I can’t agree you more concerning the fact she’s too proud for seeking professional help. She wouldn’t. This is 100% Croft. Bravo. Thats why I laughed my ass when seeing Laraboot going to that psychiatrist btw

Other idea was hinted is that, in a rage or amidst a drunk crisis, she sets fire to Croft Manor. I hated this idea even more than the first one, and I’m glad they discarded it, and so I did. My Lara has never set fire to Croft Manor. It’s her home. She’s not uncomfortable there - “Welcome back to my humble abode” -, tho she prefers, obviously, to be somewhere else, adventuring. 

It’s also Winston’s home, and the home of each one of her friends that might need to stop by for a while - and in my universe, it’s also Anna’s home, and even Kurtis’ home tho he doesn’t feel like he belongs there. Lara would never do that, specially for Winston, who’s taking care of the place while she’s travelling. Setting her aunt’s inheritance and Winston’s daily hard work on fire… no, just no. She won’t reach that limit. I rather see her injuring herself before injuring others, specially those who worried about her when her parents disowned her.

So in the end, Lara might have drunk a bit more than usual in her past, but she’s not an alcoholic and she’s not enthusiastic about alcohol. And here comes the headcanon: she will pretty much despise alcoholics - when not directly pity them. For her, alcohol is a resource for cowards, for people who doesn’t know how to face their problems. It’s a cruel approach, but I think seriously it will be hers. It’s Lara Croft. She can be really cruel and merciless, and in this case, she is.

Not that she thinks she is better for not being dependant of alcohol, of course. Not that she totally rejects it. It’s just, it’s not a healthy habit and she prefers to avoid unhealthy habits, tho she’ll drink in certain occasions if the circumstances requires it. But not against her own will or desire, of course.

Shelooked down at the champagne glass, still half full. In Dubai shariawas strict: no alcohol, but these laws weren’t made for foreigners andcertainly not for the hotels where they were entertained. Still, she had nodesire to drink. In fact, all she wanted was to get out of there.

- MR. VANCE RENNER, Tomb Raider One-shot 3

Now, what about Kurtis? He’s absolutely different to Lara. He’s been through serious shit during all his life - that doesn’t mean Lara hasn’t, but she has a different way to face things. Not Kurtis. He’ll drink. A lot.

Murti never mentioned something like this but he describes him as a “tough customer”. After knowing a little about his biography - the son of a Lux Veritatis and a Navajo woman, harshly trained in the ways of the Order - you can only imagine how much suffering that training could have meant to him, and how sick he got of the Shadow War, so that he decides to betray his people and run away… to seek refuge in the Foreign Legion. The freaking Foreing Legion, which is reputed to be one of the harshest armies in the world, with a really brutal training, composed by ex-convicts and criminals who seek to have their reports expunged, turning their former crimes into military services. A living hell. And he went in there being only 19 years old. Wow.

Of course he only stays there until he achieves French citizenship, then he quits. But even in there he’s chased by demons, to the point his own partners nickname him Demon Hunter after he fights a defeats a djinn in the Arabian desert. This is all Murti’s canon, not mine. It is there when my own headcanon starts.

Taking into account his background story - a warrior, a soldier, a Legionnaire, a hardened fighter - I wanted to develop Kurtis as a tragic character, a tortured soul. Being alcoholic suited him perfectly after that. My idea is that he drank - and drank a lot - during his years in the Legion, together with his partners, and he even won drinking competitions. It’s there when Kurtis develops a tolerance for alcohol. He might haven been punished by his superiors for drinking too much and not be in top form for the military service - and hell, in the Foreing Legion punishments are harsh, even to the point of physical injure, but, what’s that compared with his Lux Veritatis training?

He can take it, and he takes it. After winning several drinking contest, instead of dying of alcohol intoxication or turning his liver into a can of foie gras, he develops an extreme tolerance for alcohol. Just like Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark, by the way.

This is one of my earliest headcanons, if you remember :) He even uses his alcohol tolerance as a resource to get information, according to his will of always keeping a low profile, his past as a double agent and his choice of not using violence is he can achieve something in a more discreet way.

In fact, Kurtis still had his first glass half full while his partnerwas on his twelfth. He’d only wet his lips twice. “I can’t overdo.” He replied with a calm smile.“I recently had stomach surgery and shouldn’t be playing with this.”

At least, that wasn’t a lie. In fact, he had really good alcohol tolerance - when the fellow right there wouldbe on the floor Kurtis would feel onlya slight tingling; but it wasn’t time to get drunk, not even to sound moreconvincing.

- THE GOLDEN SEAL, chapter 17, This man will survive

So, we can say Kurtis does not become a drunk in the strict sense of the word - he could have not survived too long to that, no matter the Gift - but he obviously will drink without problem most of the time, and of course, he’ll totally drink when feeling down and depressed.

And I mean, really down and really depressed, for he will need a lot of alcohol to really lost conciousness. And he won’t achieve  it most of the times - unless he intends to make his own liver explode. And as we said previosuly, he has not a suicide impulse. He just wants to fade away. For a while. To drown his sorrows with alcohol. 

That’s why he has a different approach of alcohol that Lara has - he’s no problem with it, and he doesn’t exactly  despise drunk people - he pities them at most, and they will remind him of himself most of the time. 

Of course, I’ve always meaning high-grade beverages, and he will only resource to them in extreme situations. If you recall Café Metro, what was he drinking in there?

Exactly. He’s drinking red wine, as far as I know, provided he’d ordered it and it’s not just a tempation dropped there by Pierre, lmao.

I am not an expert in alcoholic beverages - you know I don’t usually drink and when I do, I easily get drunk at the first shot lmao - but I think it takes a bit of taste to prefer red wine over whisky - for example. He’s just there enjoying a glass of French red wine - isn’t that cute, please - because it’s duty day. He’s not renouncing to a bit of alcohol, but definitely he’s not drinking bourbon or something like that.

Ok, this answer is again long af, isn’t it? Time to shut up. Just, long story short: no, Lara’s not and has never been an alcoholic, she might have drink a little more than usual in the past, but definitely that didn’t leave a mark in her. She’ll pretty much despise alcohol as a way of solving things. She’ll have her own ways to deal with problems.

Kurtis, on the opposite, while not being a drunk in the strict sense of the word, has drunk a lot in the past, to he point of developing alcohol tolerance. Most of the time, he’s in control, except when having a disturbing experience or feeling particularly weak, down and depressed. 

But, what is a disturbing experience for a war hero, a lonely wolf who has dealt all his life with disturbing, disgusting and unpleasant situations? Obviously, every person, no matter how tough, has their limits and their buttons to be pushed. And he’ll react badly if having his feelings hurt or his soft spots touched. That’s why he used to conceal those feelings from everyone.

Of course, there’s a single exception for that rule, and this person can really push his buttons. And this is all I can say, for now.

Enough of this. Ana out

[dromjournal]

Autumn 2018

I’m a man, middle aged, with a child about 7-9 years old. It’s before the industrialization. We’re walking by a farm/company which are renovating houses and filling the walls with sawdust for isolation. I talk to the head of the company, and he tells me it’s the best isolation there is according to all recent studies in your typical happy go lucky businessman-voice. He is also my landlord, kinda, and I live on a small neighboring farm which I have arrendated for many many years and I have made it pretty good for myself. He is rich and powerful though he isn’t power-grabbing or cruel, but he does see things very black or white. (To quote Mr Darcy himself: My good opinion once lost is lost forever.) My child finds a hutch with rabbits that he feeds some grass through the “fence”, and I notice it’s a small space for such large rabbits (they seem pretty young). I think they’re probably meat rabbits, which makes my child upset because he doesn’t want them to be killed. I tell him he can have ONE to take home/save, and I’m sure it will be fine because there is a lot of them. I open the cage and start checking the gender of the rabbits, because I think it’s more likely the does will be kept alive than the bucks, so I think it makes most sense to pick a buck. There’s only two of them so the kid picks one, though a little sad, and I tell them to go home. But then before I can close the cage a dog looking like a jack russel comes and fast as lightning gets into the cage, scooping up most of the rabbits into it’s mouth (due to dream logic they are now really really tiny) and runs away. I chase after it, and makes it drop the rabbits, but they’re all dead. The owner then comes around with a couple of other guys and notices, get really upset, I tell him I saw the dogs with the rabbits and chased after it. The cage had been overturned (which it had been when the dog jumped in it). It’s a lie, and I can tell he’s suspicious because they question that the dog could flip the cage from the outside, but he doesn’t have any proof of either so he agrees to what I says.

I know we won’t be allowed there anymore. The worker mentions a house/land I semi-recently inherited from a relative at the very north of the country, a long way even by car or train in modern times but a LOONG way to travel without them. I have never seen the place and I know for sure it’s not as great of a farmers land as I got here and mostly forest and cold, but it’s the only choice we got. I go check on the animals and we have a bunch of cows and pigs with piglets and chickens. We got three good draft horses. I’m not sure how we’re supposed to bring them all, but we can’t just leave them to die. I pick up two piglets from their mothers that both lie on their side inside a barn like they are sleeping and bring them outside for the first time, let them run around and jump and have fun. When I’m about to put them back though I don’t know which one is which so I put them down hoping it’ll be fine. But the mama pig gets angry at having a baby that’s not hers, and start squealing angrily and jumping and so does the other pig because of it. They are kinda fighting there and I can’t get inside to make them stop because they are large animals and well, I can’t just get in between. But when they settle down they have trampled the piglets and they are both dead. I feel like hope is lost. I leave, but there is some pigs that also get out because idk if something happened during the fight and some door opened maybe. A man who is a worker at our farm since forever, more or less family, is there. I tell him to slaughter the pigs that got out because I am completely down in the dopes and I don’t know how we’re gonna take them with us anyway. He doesn’t want to but agrees if he get like half the money or something. I agree, i don’t really care either way. I know we have to leave soon because the landlord is gonna come and he’s gonna take revenge. He’s not going to be merciful. We pack a carriage with horses and some cows and stuff trailing behind and start moving, but we don’t get far before we’re suddenly attacked by the landlord and several men with weapons. Our carriage is tipped and (for some reason) our animals felt in the fields are attacked/killed by rhinos. Knowing we have no chance, the older men try to give something to the child, hide him under something and tell him to close his eyes (as I swift pov to the boy) and everything goes black.

I am told a story about a man on Iceland who sold tobacco. He was the only person on the island who got tobacco so he have made a lot of money, and he also have huge chunks of farmland which he arrends to the townsfolk. But with time he turns greedy and doubles the prize of the tobacco  to something the modest people of the town can’t possibly afford. They instead all decide to work through their addiction and stop using tobacco. When he no longer get any customers, the man gets angry and tries to threaten people into buying his tobacco or he will not let them hire the fields, but they don’t have the money either way so what happens is his land isn’t farmed and everyone else have saved every possible piece of food for the winter, as usual, but he have always relied on getting a part of the food from the farmers on his land that now have given nothing - all he got is some cans with herring and it’s starting to get cold. He still have money but it’s useless, as no one will sell their food they themselves need to him. So he freeze-starve to death due to his own greed and stupidity.

I “wake up” outside the mans old cottage, and I can just about see the town from there placed in the middle of a ravine. The landscape as far as I can see is barren and very tundra-like. It’s autumn or early spring, and it’s getting dark out as I start walking towards town. I am a late teenager, a girl I think. It’s not a long trek, especially since it’s downhill, but when I get there it mostly seems pretty much everyone is inside already. Which I can’t blame them for, since it’s cold and dark. There is light in the windows and one place seems to be a bar or something else with party going on inside. There is a strict looking police woman standing outside talking to some people, and I hide in the shadows and between people. It’s not that anyone can tell by just looking at me but I also know that somehow, there is this kind of magic I have and there is people that doesn’t like that and as such I am technically an outlaw. I notice someone walking around on the rooftops, so I also climb up there, balancing at the top of the triangle roof with not too much problem. The person up there swiftly moves and stop me from stepping on the middle tile (with a nail in) as that nail (possibly because it’s metal?) is a trap for magic beings. It would diminish our power and alert them of our presence right away. He leads me from the houses up on the top of the cliff, and there is a rabbit sized hole in the mountain which is his home apparently. He can shapeshift. I can’t, so, shucks.

However, in the town below there is the police woman and someone else and they speak some riddles. The hole is way too small for me, so I sit outside and listen to them coming up with some to amuse myself. After they have figured all theirs out, I loudly tell them another riddle thinking it was just for fun. Instead the police woman’s face snaps towards me as they notice me, and she starts climbing up some stairs to get me/kill me? I’m a good climber tho so I just start running over the mountain. Fuckn rude.

She is getting closer though, more athletic than I am.  But then the other magic person appears from (my perspective) out of nowhere to help me, in the shape of a yappy small pomeranian dog. However as him and the police woman see each other they stop dead in their tracks. Then somehow it turns out they are soul mates. (And it’s that he’s a dog here, specifically, because she’s very much aromantic. Like. They are soulmates but not romantic.) And…. So she doesn’t care about me anymore. Neither of them do. I move back to the hole, and somehow I can now figure out how to get inside it.

And what happens is I once again wake up somewhere else, as someone else. There is a train transporting both humans and cargo in different carriages. I am an adult woman, together with another adult woman who is my friend and a little kid who is my sister or her sister, I’m not sure. It’s modern day. We sneak on board somehow first at the cargo part then through a window and hide in the back with all the luggage, before noticing there is actually some extra seats there. I however move a bit too close and some rude middle aged lady of course decide we are there illegally (well we are but you know still rude, you don’t know our story) and tell someone that come to check everyone’s tickets. The ones in the back are fine, we fake it somehow, it’s just me with a clearly fake ticket. I start talking to distract him and pretend to search for the ticket, but then the train stops out of nowhere and he leaves to go check what is going on.

We look outside. A horse have fallen onto the tracks from (presumably) having escaped from close by. The tracks have got some serious voltage running though them for some reason, and the horse have been electrocuted by stepping on them. If the train hadn’t stopped because of the horse, we’d all have been killed. We get to go outside to the side of the road, where they call for some kind of help. Personally I hitch a ride with a truck I believe, but that causes everything to go black and switch again.

I am a girl again, early teens. I am back on a train. This train looks like the ones you have in the metro rather than go across the country, with a couple people seated a bit of everywhere. I am a witch, people call me so - an older woman ask me to help her son or grandson idk, he have had a disease of the throat and  become mute. I want to help but the magic is just rarely really what you want, it’s trickster-y and I don’t know how to use it properly either way. I manage to give him his voice back, but in exchange the magic exchange his eyes for buttons like in Coraline. The old woman get angry, and the kid is upset, because it was easier being mute than blind. I didn’t mean to have it happen, but now all the people in the train are rioting against me and I once again switch.

I’m a young woman, late teens or early 20s. It’s modern day and it’s a big town, but it feels off somehow and kind of uncanny valley. It’s normal, but it’s not. I feel like I have to keep looking over my shoulder. I find a nursery home and it’s possibly the first place I see people entering so I go inside too, and notice that in between all the elderly there is a tough looking teenage girl with purple hair in a wheelchair acting like one of them. I question what she is doing there, but she gets angry. None of the old people want to acknowledge it, they just kinda ignore what I’m saying like they are afraid to talk about it. I ask one old man very detailed questions to get him to see that she is much younger, but when he actually does seem to realize she stands up and starts hitting him with a wooden stick so he fall down. I feel like something is too off and get the hell out of there, finding my way back to a train station to go “home”. (I am constantly on the move towards somewhere here but I can’t say where this home is) It’s pretty easy to find as it’s in the middle of the city, not to mention very large and almost looks like a roller coaster rather than train tracks. There is several levels. I get on a train, and there is many other people in it. To my D: D: I notice also the purple haired girl in the wheelchair, though it doesn’t seem to be voluntarily as she looks grumpy as ever. The people in this wagon have been invited and they are going on a trip. They’re all pretty young, except two adult people that is the chaperones I guess. The train starts moving, but not for long until it stops out of nowhere, doors opening and suddenly there is these metal bars keeping some people, including me and the person next to me, stuck to their seats. One of the chaperones leaves through the doors, going to find out what is going on. But as soon as they’re out, the door slams shut and the other chaperons stands up and picks a gun out of his pocket. People start to panic, but he explains that this is just a trap and the metal bar things? They catch magic people. The ones that are stuck are magic people and he’s here to kill them only.

The person next to me start screaming bloody murder in anger, and I use the time to use my own magic to create my own gun. I have started learning somewhat how you do it. I also haveno idea how to use it, so I know I’m only buying us time somehow. The guy next to me is shot in the head, and I’m lucky I’m kinda hidden behind some people so I am not next as he start picking off people. And I manage to get out of the metal bindings, but I don’t know how to get away - but the purple haired girl was seated behind me and she is ALSO one of the magics, and she asks for the gun and I give it to her because I’m panicking and I don’t know what to do. She does do, as she take it and shoot the Chaperone’s gun into a million pieces and I think he gets knocked out. The doors open again without him doing whatever he did, and I tell the girl we gotta go, leave. But she is refusing, since she can’t take the chair out as it’s stuck. I tell her she doesn’t even actually need the chair, she can use the magic to move herself. She still claims she can’t though, in a way that is clearly 100% being a shithead that doesn’t want to agree with me and not her actually being honest about it, so I think I end up figuring we don’t have the time and throw her like, onto my back and starts running off instead. She gets really mad because that seems to be her thing. When I let her down on her insistence she have no trouble and no magic to walk at all, and I ask wtf her issue is pretending to be elderly and disabled. I don’t get an answer.

As my sense of magic grows stronger and we get closer to a city again I start noticing we leave some kind of magic residue trail in the air behind us, like colors. I realize we might also be followed through those and it explains how some of these people hunting knew to go after us. I come up with some probably way too elaborate plan tbh to throw anyone following us off. I ask the other girl to split up and just run to the left at what looks like a lot of tall apartment buildings and then hide, expecting fully for this guy to go after me for some reason that had either to do with thinking the other girl would be much easier to capture so it’d be better to find me first, or that I’d be easier so they’d go catch me first. Either way it was all hanging on them going after me and not her. I go to something that might be an old train station, but it’s more a small city official office building by now and the trains placed in the tunnel in the back are just for show. Either way I sneak through to the back where I like, walk on top of the train and then jump up to a second level, sneaking through a window into a storage, then through a window in that room into an office. By then I have created some kind of illusion which is covering me, so none of the workers can actually see me. I think they might be seeing another employee I had briefly seen on my way in. I walk through towards the exit, but I spot the guy (The Chaperone guy) coming just before I step into the lobby and he’s walking through, following my trail like I expected. As soon as he is out of sight I book it, knowing he’s gonna take some time climbing around inside to follow me but he is none the less close, and go where I told the other girl to wait.

She is outside an apartment building by some mountain, not hard to find, and it’s starting to snow. It’s getting dark and we won’t be able to keep running like this. I use my magic once again now to steal a car parked in front of the house - not the nicest one I could find, one that wouldn’t make people look twice. Also pretty sure I specifically look for one that is manual because shit I can’t drive. I feel a bit bad about it because this is not some rich people neighborhood. The girl get in the passenger seat, and I drive away finding my way to a bigger road. The car moves too fast for our trail to be seen, and so we loose anyone tracking us.

I sigh in relief, and keeps driving towards home.

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 7 2018

Tumblr :) hi. I don't have much to write about. My life isn't too interesting really. But I'll try my best. Tomorrow should be an awesome day. I'm excited. I'm dropping my new song. I actually like it, I wasn't sure if it was going to turn out how I wanted it to but it did!!!! I think it's good. And I know that I will have ten million people tell me it's not as good as I think it is but you know what?? They can suck me. I like it. And I think that chocolate will like it ;) haha umm anyway. I haven't produced a new song in soooo long. It feels amazing. I forgot how it feels right after finishing a song. And you listen to it about a million times and you just. I made that!!! It's cool. I like creating. It makes me feel full. Even if it isn't perfect or what anyone wants it to be. It is mine. I'll post it on here and on my insta tomorrow. I also made my own cover art for this one because I had kinda a cool idea for it?? My mom thinks it is a bit too much and she is probably right but also? I don't care. It fits the song well. Lowkey scared someone is going to report it on insta tho. I don't show anything really so I don't know if it can be taken down. We shall see I guess :p Also!! Tomorrow I get to hang out with someone I haven't seen in a while. I'm looking forward to that. I think it's going to be a really funny thing. Life can be so crazy ya know?? Like you have to think, what if?? How weird. But uh, irregardless of what happens or whatever, it will be good to catch up and have a chat with an old (semi?) friend. I got a bunch of new clothes on the fourth of july. (most of) My fam went to the storage unit we have and I found these huge garbage sacks full of old clothes and I am so so happy. I found all of my dad's old shirts and they are so huge that I can wear them as dresses. I put a belt around the waist and they are adorable. My new fav outfits. They are also all collared and relatively long on me so I can wear them to work. It's lit. I found a lot of my old clothes from my early high school years too, which I got too fat for when I was a junior/senior but I can now fit into again. That's always exciting. And!!! My brother's old clothes from when he was a freshman which also fit me perfect. I love men's clothes. They're just better. I feel happier when I'm wearing men's stuff. It's nice. I was worried about finding room for everything in my apartment. Now that it is all clean and organized there is a part of me that really does not want any new stuff. I had to get rid of a lot of old stuff just to make everything fit as it was. But!! I got creative and cleaned out my kitchen cabinets which now are full of my new clothes, rather than old food. I didn't use them anyway. I always just buy the premade meals from Market of Choice. So. Whatever. Work is going well, but what is new?? I love my job. I say that a lot. We had this really annoying girl filling in/helping out over the last two weeks and admittedly it was nice to have another teller but I am so very very glad she is gone. Jesus. She would just start randomly yelling about nothing. In a bank. In the middle of the day. Completely sober. And also? She was pregnant, which is nbd to me, like good for you, you do you. But she drank a lot of coffee, like she was drinking coffee all day and I know you aren't supposed to when you are pregnant because it isn't good for the baby and she was so blasé about it. It made me really upset. I mean I never want to be pregnant, ever, never ever in one hundred thousand years, but! If I were?? I would do everything possible to make sure that everything is perfect for that child. Her doctor even told her to stop drinking coffee and she won't. It's just confusing to me. Especially since she wanted to have the baby. It's her second kid. Come on. Seeing uncaring parents makes me feel sad. I don't like it. Idk. And Ben, benadryl, my fav, is leaving soon. Which is going to suck ass for me. Honest to god he gets me through the day on Mondays and Fridays. He is one of the best people I have ever met. No lie. And he's just going to leave. What a fucko. But! Erika is (probably, hopefully) replacing him with another guy my age who she says is a lotttt like Ben. And maybe this Ben, Ben 2.0, will not have a girlfriend. That'd be rad af. Who knows really. And who cares. I like to complain that it is hard to meet people when I work so much or when I'm so focused on my own shit but that is not true. I get asked out all of the time. I could have ten boyfs right now if I so desired. But I don't. I think the real struggle is meeting someone who I actually like. It's one in a gd million out here. I am pretty hyped about the whole wife thing too rn which I know is super unhealthy but also?? Did y'all read my prose I wrote about her?? If that isn't the cutest shit in the whole entire world. I like to think that I will meet her and she'll never read that and then at our wedding I will read it to her and be like "I wrote this before I met you and I still feel every word of it" ya know??? Oml. Everyone would cry. It would be amazing. So romantic. I was actually talking to Ben the other day about this girl that I want to wife who comes into the bank on occasion. She is so cute and I know I will likely never ask her out (that is not true I think at some point she will do some cute shit, as she tends to do, and I will just do it but, nonetheless), and I was saying that I would write her poems that I'll never read to her and he was like !!! That's so romantic and yes!!!! It is. That is true af. I'm so romantic when it comes to girls. I think that I'm really into gender roles. And I know that isn't super popular nowadays but I just am. I like thinking about wifing a cute girl and I'd propose to her, and I'd go to work everyday and obviously, I'd be the one fucking her with my big purple strap on. Ya know?? And with a guy, I get to be romanced. I get to be proposed to and, well, I still wanna work but he would too. And I get to (have to?) be fucked. By his penis. Ya know?? That's how it goes. I like that to be how it goes. Idk. I'm not sure. I know I am sure about how I would like it to be with a girl but I guess I'm more open about relationship dynamics with guys? Who tf knows. I'm 19. I have time to figure it out. Perhaps. Anyway. I guess that is about all for now. I've been enjoying league a lot recently. I've played wayyy more this week than I usually do. It's an ARURF week. I have to. So. Imma go do that some more. Until next time Tumblr :)

[be-the-change-jess]

I want to scream

I spend so much time just saying “It’s fine” when all you people do is let me down. I make a light joke out of my Dad and Step mom forgetting to get me a christmas present, and so it’s gonna arrive in February because they literally forget I exist. 

My step sister doesn’t get why I seem so annoyed around her parents because they’re so great. My dad goes to her games and watches her cheer. He even posts pictures of her cheering on fb talking about how proud he is of her. My dad coached my little brother’s football team this year. She doesn’t realize that he never bothered to text me to tell me when the games were so I could come. She doesn’t realize that I would text him asking what he’s doing or when the game is or when to come by to visit and he doesn’t respond. She doesn’t realize that he never went to my little league games (maybe 5-6 total in 5 years). She also doesn’t realize that the only reason he went to those is because he lied about having to work when I was 6 (so he couldn’t get me that weekend), and 30 minutes after that phone call saying he was out of the state I ran into him on a soccer field holding another little girls hand because he just went to her soccer game (he was dating her mom so he was sucking up). She doesn’t realize that in the past 5 years he has not visited me at my house, and never knew where I lived. What parent goes that long without knowing where their daughter lives? I mean he’d call me and say he I drove through you town earlier and thought about calling you to grab lunch, but then I decided not to. 

Now beyond that, she doesn’t realize how many times I had to lie to her mom because he was at his other gf’s house. She doesn’t realize that one year 3 different women, who had added me on fb, posted pictures of their beautiful new necklaces that my dad so lovingly bought them for valentines day. They. All. Got. The. Same. Necklace. I think his wife still wears hers. She was the winner that year because her necklace was accompanied by a boob job. 

She doesn’t understand how I found out I was gonna have another brother by a girl at school. She doesn’t get how he texted me to tell me that he asked her mom to marry him. She doesn’t get that he called me and said “Hey I figured I shouldn’t text you this, so I called you to tell you I have cancer.” 

She just doesn’t get how he’s let me down in every single opportunity I’ve ever given him. She doesn’t understand that he was basically gonna try to steal money from me/ use me recently. She just doesn’t get it. 

She also won’t understand how happy I am for her that he is a good father to her. I know she deserves someone there at her games. Even a cheerleader needs a cheerleader. I’m so glad she loves him and that he really loves her. I’m so glad he shows it to her with his actions. I’m so glad that he’s finally starting to grow up and be a father to them. So I won’t ever tell her about how he’s hurt me. She can look at me thinking I’m so pissed off brat because I never want her to know what he is truly like. 

I don’t want her to know the man who my mom had to call and beg to just take me to mcdonalds. I don’t want her to know the man who has two children in florida that he keeps a secret. I don’t want her to know that man that lies about everything and you always know not to trust. I don’t want her to know the man who broke all the promises hes ever made me. I don’t want her to know the man that married a woman when I was five before I even met her. I don’t want her to get fb messages by old “moms” telling you how sorry they are for leaving you and how much they loved you. I never want her to know the man who beat me so badly that my entire back and legs were covered in perfect belt shaped bruises when I was only three. I don’t want her to know the man who left her mom because she got pregnant with our little brother. I don’t want her to know the man who I had to watch being beat by one of his ex wives because she found out he was cheating on her again. 

I don’t want you to know the man who went from woman to woman to “mom” to “mom.” I don’t want her to know how it feels to have so many families torn away from her. I don’t want her to have to stand in line at the Dairy Queen with her little brother and her see her “Ex-Grandparents” who won’t even recognize her. They spent years together. Christmases, birthdays, etc and they won’t even know who she is. I don’t want her to have more ex-siblings than she can honestly remember. I had a step-brother when I was five, I can remember his room perfectly.. I remember that he had this green alien candle that I wanted so badly. I cannot remember his name or what he looked like.. I can’t even remember his mom’s face, but I can see her hair and sort of hear her voice. I remember that she was suppose to beat me, but she just made noises with the belt and told me not to tell my dad. She was so kind, I can remember her kindness and the tire swing in the yard. 

If you wanna know the truth sis, I would’ve never picked you and your mom. Honestly while I was younger, you two were my least favorite. You were the world’s biggest brat. Your mom wouldn’t let me do anything you weren’t allowed to do even tho you’re 6 years younger than me. She didn’t really like me much, but I guess it was sort of mutual. Your mom was the first wife that my mom actually had to get involved and tell to back off me, which is funny because the wife before her my mom actually told her that she needed to step up and beat me. But time changes things, I now love your mom even tho she will never see me as her daughter. I even love you and worry about you a lot. You’re growing up and I hope you make better choices than I did, haha. 

the truth of it all is, when I meet my dad’s friends they say “hey alan, I didn’t know you had another daughter.” When I went to my step-dad’s father’s funeral.. most of his family genuinely believe that I am his biological daughter. That’s the different between being there for someone and not, I guess. 

I guess I got my rant out, haha.