#woke me up or that theres no noise in the background

[inkybinkyboink]

living on ur own is weird.

[mariska]

theres an unintentionally funny non-bad side effect my brain experiences from having to take specific medications to be able to fall asleep at night and that side effect is that, because i have to knock my adhd off the rails Crazy Train By Ozzy Osbourne brain out to get it to shut up enough for me to try to focus on calming routines/learned skills for falling asleep, there is usually a point where im physically in bed but have not started preparing for sleep yet, and because i am literally always in a state of constant panic and stress and physical pain during the day, sometimes i just take a few mins to sit and appreciate the sensation of my brain slowly quieting its naturally loud background noise.

and sometimes i also happen to be partaking in like. one activity like scrolling through tags for things/people/media that i enjoy like i was last night. and i had seen a pic that immediately made me think of one of my ocs, Paige, who is mostly like 1960s-1980s in the main story stuff i've written/created for her over the years, and put it in my oc inspiration tag for her when i reblogged it, and then my immediate next thought was 'OH that reminds me i wanted to save some photos of Marianne Faithfull (cool as hell rock star and actress who was very active in her career/in the public eye in those same eras my character's main story takes place in) as art and writing inspiration reference for Paige since they look pretty visually similar thru that time span and i keep forgetting to do that'. so the idea was that like. i was gonna save maybe 5 photos and that would let Future Me know that i had that thought and could look up more reference photos later at some point.

but because this was middle of the night sleepy chill Mariska. the train of thought de-railed immediately. so. long story short, woke up today and opened my camera roll to find pages upon pages of like every fuckin photo that has been published of this woman in my camera roll

[cognitosclowns]

heya, it’s the apartment-anon again!! i saw your reply,, and tbh i’m having some A.B brainrot as well,,, like???? the robot dude w/ an abundance of plants??? my heart…its melting…oh no…….

but yeah i’d really like to see your stuff on A.B’s apartment!!! maybe how his s/o would react to it as well!!

OOH WHAT IF HE GETS A CAT

gah this is too cute!!!! <3333

- 🌱 anon [i guess that works for a long-term name lol]

GUH <333 GHUH <333 GGHHHGHHH <3 THIS IS GONNA BE LONG AGAIN IM SORRY-

SFW BELOW

(OH AND HERES THE PREVIOUS ASK)

OH GOODNESS <3333 THIS ASK IS GIVING ME SUPREME BRAINROT <333

JUST <333 listen his apartment is pretty small all things considered bc he,, doesn't really need much?? BUT ALSO ITS WAY BIGGER THAN ANYTHING HE'S USED TO??

Like esp if he's Mobile and Repaired it feels,, almost wrong having so much empty space to move around in??? Like at least in the Basement Lab has the background noise of computer terminals and pipes n stuff but,,, his apartment is uncannily quiet??

THIS MEANS HE LEAVES THE WINDOW OPEN AT ALL TIMES. Hearing the sounds of the city?? is so soothing. Also its completely new to him?? <33 so like for the first few nights he just kinda,, sits by the window and listens to the world while he reads.

MNSDMSD I MENTIONED THIS IN THE TAGS OF THE PREVIOUS POST THAT LIKE,, he has this Very Bad Habit of picking things up and then placing them somewhere else that is,, Very Percarious??

BC HES A ~PERFECT AI~ SO LIKE,, he can balance shit perfectly and then balance MORE shit on top of THAT shit and now you can't access the window bc theres smth resembling Modern Art in the way

AND OF COURSE, in his hubris he accidentally like,, stumbles a bit and that Slight Vibration causes several Piles Of Books And Trinkets to come clattering down >:( he'll still insist it was from Myc being too loud

OH SPEAKING OF MYC-

AB is a heavy sleeper he is a very heavy sleeper he could probably sleep through a fucking atom bomb but somehow Myc always seems to wake him up at like 3 am with his nonsense

LISTEN HE DIDNT MEAN TO PUT HIS ARM THROUGH THE WALL, IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED

He woke up suddenly and went to,, Bat On The Wall To Tell Him To Shut The Fuck Up and in his half-awake tizzy forgot that he has super strength and.... well

I mean at least Myc shut off his music after so he considers it a resounding success

YES HIM GETTING A LITTLE KITTEN <33

he didn't even get her on purpose - he noticed her climbing along his windowsill and,,, well he couldn't just leave her out there, she could fall and hurt herself and shes just so tiny it would be cruel to leave her out in the snow all alone and Oh No He Has A Cat Now??? When Did This Happen >:(

She's this,, tiny little white Cornish Rex?? No matter how much he feeds her she stays vv thin and lanky lmao.

Her 'Official Name' is Piper, (as in the Pied Piper bc,,, Jesus Christ He's Pretty Sure She's Killed Half The Rats In Virginia At This Point With How Many She Keeps Leaving Around. She takes after her dads homicidal tendencies I guess)

(ALSO,,, PRINCESS <33 bc she IS his little princess <333 yea he coos little endearments at her but he would never admit that lmao)

She perches as high as she can and just,, stares at everything. It unnerves ppl and he loves it <333 ITS THOSE BIG OL EYES, ALWAYS SUPER SHARP. The only time they get all Big is when she's being ignored and decides Fathers Ankles Need To Be Swiped For This Crime >:(

she doesn't audibly purr but,, like,, when you pet her you can feel her vibrating?? HE ADORES IT <333

YOURE 99% SURE THAT CAT HAS IT OUT FOR YOU THOUGH. LIKE SHE KEEPS GROWLING AT YOU WHEN YOURE JUST,, EXISTING. THIS BATTLE IS NEVER-ENDING SORRY LMAO.

THE PLANTS WERE,, ANOTHER THING THAT JUST KINDA HAPPENED.

It started with Brett getting him a little succulent to 'break in the new home', and he got used to taking care of it and,,, so when Elliot needed to get rid of a few old houseplants to make room for a new desk of course AB was the first one to ask and-

I MEAN HIS PLACE IS GORGEOUS, JUST,,, A BIT CLUTTERED LMAO.

It really does feel like a greenhouse <333 theres plants wherever he can stick them. You're pretty sure he'd have dandelions growing out of the floorboards if you gave him the chance.

LIKE YOU CAN STILL MOVE AROUND BUT YOU ALWAYS WORRY YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK OVER HIS TULIPS OR SMTH. He's very proud of everything and you can practically see him resisting the urge to start explaining all the intricacies of growing each of them.

MSNDMSD ILL CUT THIS OFF HERE BC ITS ALREADY GETTING LONG <333 BUT AAA I ADORE THIS IDEA SO MUCH. ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.

[gk999time]

Bro I just had a super weird creepy dream about toriel and when I woke up my frikin lights were on

I just kinda sat there like what then the cat found out I was awake and started trying to headbutt my door open

So I just woke up from a nightmare, the room isn’t how I left it, and somethings trying to get into my room-mind you I’m still half asleep for all of this-

Just for reference this is kinda what toriel looked like in the dream.

so first she looked normal and we were in a place i didnt recognise. it looked like i was standjng in front of her like for a fight but the background was like the background of the normal ruins- colored and everything. In the bottom theres a text reading ”it seems the (something, i dont know the meaning of what it called her was but it kinda sounded like a racial slur) is hiding secrets”

So idk how cause there wasnt much of an option but i leave the room. except now im in a different place in the ruins with a faceless toriel in front of me. She doesnt say anything i just turn back around and i see whats in the picture but shes like, really far away from the screen. theres some kind of button on the bottom its a black button with a red x in it and next to it is a word (i cant remember what it said but it was like ”talk” or something). After a long while of staring she says ”ill get inside some way” except theres no picture of her face where her text is and theres no font noise. its just her font.

Then i wake up and my lights are on. I dont sleepwalk but my little sister knows im paranoid and she peobably turned them on to scare me, as im a really heavy sleeper and she can do that. So i go to turn off the lights and suddenly something starts banging on my door. Mind you my light switch is right next to my door so im standing next to a violently shaking door. I open it expecting it to me my sister but....

it was toriel.

Jk jk it was my cat she found out i was awake and was trying to get my attention so i would feed her.

Thid whole thing happened like an hour before me posting this ;-;

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

Okay, but I need some Joe Toye headcanons like I need air. Help a girl out

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes

I just want to say that i love toye more than i love myself. This boy deserves everything and i mean it!

Btw thanks @adamantiumdragonfly for requesting these lovely hcs, i had a lot of fun writing this! 💕💕

General/Fluffy HCs for Joe Toye

--------------------

-------------------

so you see right here, this man is a professional lover and sweetheart extraordinaire 

you two actually met when running currahee

joe stumbled along the way and you gripped his arm to prevent him from falling

thought it was one of the boys like like luz or guarnere or just practically anybody

boy WAS HE WRONG

he was instantly like !!!!! but it soon turned into 💕💕💕

immediately thinks he died during training and went into heaven

looks like he is having the time of his life, he is by the way

you ask him if he’s ok as youre running along side him

joe nods his head slowly like the cute dope that he is

either of you could have fallen behind or could have run faster but nope!

you two keep the same pace as each other so y’all arent seperated and lose sight of each other

after that, you and joe are close as fuc-

when i mean close i MEANT CLOSE

theres endless laughter and happiness

snarky and sassy remarks from both parties

and you two doing whatever- 

literally toye is one of the people that you can never get mad at-

its impossible for him to make you mad i swear, he’s just too sweet and caring and this man can never do any wrong-

sooooo u and joe might or might not have huge crushes on each other

i'm just saying, but u two totally do-

if you were to walk into a room that joe was in, his eyes immediately go to you, because why not?

like seriously, joe would literally try to freeze the sun for you

but whenever you thank him he’s all like “that’s what best friends are for”-

the easy boys are so done believe me so they just watch in the background while commenting how stupidly cute u both are-

joe enjoys being sweet to you but he’ll never say it

you point it out sometimes while smiling and joe just erupts into flames

joe would never admit it, and this is a very well kept secret of his, only person who knows abt it is HIM and him alone

so basically during eindhoven, joe purposely yeeted his face away when a girl tried to kiss him and no one knew why-

after the day you met him, he made sure that lips were only reserved for u

everyone thought it was weird how he would launch himself away from the girls but you found it cute

you teased him a lot after that day and joe would act like he’s offended but in reality he's so goddamn head over heels for you-

joe legit doesn't know what to do around you, you're just so amazing

you and toye could either be the kids or the parents in the group, its an amazing vibe-

okok but the way he confessed to you was soo MMMM-

joe woke you up in the middle of the night to see the stars

after a few words of persuasion, you went outside with him and with your hand in his as he led the way

y’all sit down and when you gaze up at the sky, holy SHIT it was very beautiful-

toye loved your reaction and the smile you gave him after was worth way more than any fucking treasure-

joe was surprised when he didn’t stutter when he told u how much he loved you-

like if you were sleepy- not anymore! 

you immediately woke up and just stared at him for a good couple of minutes

but damn you told him how much loved him too- but like seriously picture this

midnight, stars, love confessions, and tender and passionate kisses with joe fucking toye-

it wasnt what you were expecting but excuse it was so fucking good-

btw this boy’s spunky attitude will bring you to tears-

like hes overly sarcastic and you would just burst up laughing because its so fucking funny-

one of the things you also love about joe is that he’s a sassy boy who’s actually very sweet once you get to know him

this is one the many things that made you fall from him-

when joey gets tipsy he will lean on you for support and will deny that he’s drunk

toye will also drunkenly say how much he loves you and that youre the best person ever-

toye will end up falling asleep after you run your hands through his dark hair while he’s cuddled up against you-

you fall asleep not so long afterwards

YO- joey boy cherishes everything you give him and he just really appreciate the little things that you do

like if you hold a door open for him or even just pick out stuff that got stuck in his hair i'm pretty sure he’ll think about for days on end

hes also genuinely enjoys it when you talk to him about things you are very passionate about

like toye will literally just come up with the stupidest conversations just so he can hear talk and you can say the same for him

his voice is so fucking perfect and its always immediately recognizable 😩👌

toye will iNDEED bring you small gifts that he thinks you might like-

joey is very VERY protective of you

like if he sees a person making you feel discomfort in anyway he will yeet the poor bastard

he doesn't go completely overboard, most of the time, he just really wants you to be safe

you two still having your weekend passes are VERY rare since sobel likes being a lil bitch

wo when you two actually have it, joe makes sure to make it count

he takes you to the bar sometimes while other times he takes you into town to ditch the noise and his hella drunk friends

um so he takes you around the stores and shops and you two will impulsively buy the randomest shit

the easy boys immediately stop trusting u both with money

yeah the items you two buy are cute but they have no literal use

during one of these trips joe buys you a really gorgeous necklace and you just ascended-

im not kidding

you never took off the necklace off your neck after that day

toye also gives you small gifts and lemme tell this boy even gives you a small camera

both you and toye take pictures of each other with it and the both of you always make sure to keep photos of one another

joe is also one of those boyfriends who has a surprise for you each and every single day-

either he’d take you swimming, riding bikes, eating at a diner, or watching a simple movie together

no matter how simple the activity, joe will find a way to make it the best experience you will ever have-

when watching a movie, joe would put snarky remarks in between the scenes and the experience is just alleviated-

when you two wake up next to each other in the morning, its the most peaceful little thing that has ever existed

sometimes you would wake up earlier and joe would still be asleep with his arms around you

toye will unknowingly pull you closer to him and wont let you go for a very long time-

did i mention toye’s devilishly cute morning voice??? 

his little good morning cuddles are pure and utter fluff and you will never get tired of it!

toye will surprise you with random hugs from behind every single day-

it soon became one of the things that you couldn’t live without

like he so tender, yet firm? and the hug is so fucking comforting what???

toye will hug you anytime and anywhere

his hugs bring you the most source of joy and they just make you so happy

if youre tired when he hugs you, you are immediately energized from the complete act alone

if youre sad, joe’s hugs will comfort you and you’ll just smile into his chest and his arms are wrapped around your waist

when youre angry, you just cool down in his touch- 

his hugs give you life and just repel off any negative emotions

if you were to be honest, toye and his hugs are probably your most favorite things in the whole entire world-

toye is just an overall very caring and hella GOOD boyfriend 

it has come to the point where both of you cannot exist without the other-

you love him with all of your heart and he loves you with all of his 😩💕

------------------------

-------------------------

im sorry for any mistakes that i made and i hope that everything is alright. btw im sorry for me taking so long to write this, i tried my best to finish it! 

but i love toye and he’s complete and utter perfection, thank you very much-

thank you for reading this and supporting me you guys are everything! 😩😊💕💕💕

[pengy-pop]

Unfinished Writing #1: Bederia

Context for this piece was to be mostly a headcanon romp and to show of what the dynamic of my own interpretation of adult years Bederia would be like. It got to be too long and had not much happening in it, and When I realised I didn’t know exactly where I wanted to go with it; I got unfortunately bored of it rather quickly.

But, I hope you’re maybe able to find something interesting in here, anyway!

enjoy!

Gloria was having a bad day.

It started the moment she woke up that morning to find that her boltund had gotten into her pokefood supplies at some point during the night and, after gorging themselves on around a quarter of the giant bag of food meant to feed six pokemon for 5 weeks; had then proceeded to regurgitate it all up in her bathroom and was forced to clean it up and make sure the criminal boltund was alright at around six o’clock in the morning. She dropped her shower head on her foot while taking her morning shower and slipped and fell on the tiles while picking it up, and she knew she was going to be seeing a nasty bruise somewhere on her body later because of it.

Then, as she was preparing her breakfast; she found out the weather forcasted for rain and thunderstorms; on the day she was supposed to be meeting up with her friends for a long-awaited lunch they’d been planning at one of their regular spots. She accidentally burnt her toast while thinking about it, and dropped an egg on the floor while she was trying to cook two.

Then, she had gotten the call from Hop.

“Uh, so, me and Marnie won’t be able to make it to lunch today.” Hop’s voice was hesitant, fast, and apologetic; and Gloria swallowed thickly as she heard loud noises in the background of the call.

“How come? Did something happen?” There was a stern female voice in the background, followed by a loud crash, and Gloria winced.

Morpeko must be having another outburst.

“Yeahhh, you could say that, mate. Just-uh-I’m really sorry, Gloria, If we can get this solved quickly I can-”

“No, no, it’s okay! It sounds like theres a lot happening there. Did you two…Need any extra help?” She chewed her bottom lip, anxiously. Hop’s answer was immediate.

“No! No, it’s alright! You just go on ahead without us! Tell, uh—Tell Bede we said hey; and—oh, right—ask him if he’s planning on RSVP’ing anytime soon, we need to finalise our numbers.” Gloria nodded, before realising Hop wouldn’t be able to see her answer.

“Sure; and you’re absolutely sure you guys don’t need any help?” A hiss was heard.

“Positive, Gloria. Besides, you know how annoying Bede gets when plans change suddenly. I gotta go, but i’ll call you later, okay?”

“Alright, good luck calming Morpeko.” Hop snorted on the other line, and she could practically hear the grin in his voice.

“Thanks, mate! Catch you later! Sorry again!” As soon as he hung up; Gloria felt her stomach twist with a sick emotion she’d found herself becoming all-too-familiar with lately, and, with a defeated sigh, she collapsed back onto her couch, mindlessely flicking on the tv for white noise.

Gloria prayed that the rest of her day wasn’t as awful as her morning was.

                                                           —————————

The rest of the day wasn’t much better.

After later sending Bede a message of the change of plans; she stepped in a large puddle almost as soon as she exited her apartment complex, splashing water over herself, leaving her legs cold and wet as she made her way to the cafe. She shook off her umbrella, stepping inside, and was greeted by a waiter and an indeedee; who escorted her to a booth seat after she gave them her reservation name.

A booth meant to fit four people.

With a heavy sigh, Gloria all but collapsed down onto the seat, letting her head fall back against the cushioned seat. As she turned her head to look out to the rainy street, unsurprisingly bustling despite the rain. While normally Gloria would be eager to see her friends, she was, instead, thankful that Bede wasn’t there yet.  

It wasn’t because she hated Bede though, or anything of the sort, really. In fact; her problem wasn’t that she wanted to be away from him; it was that whenever she was around him, she wanted him alarmingly close. It was something she could handle if they were surrounded by others, usually; since there were others to distract her; but when it was just the two of them, alone, it became much more troublesome. She’d become hyper-aware of his presence at all times, any time he’d look her in the eyes or say her name she would find herself heating up, stomach would fill with butterflies, her fingers would twitch and frequently find she wanted to shove herself into his personal space. Wanted to grab his face in her hands and Do something.

She wasn’t sure what, exactly, she would even do, though. Pinch his cheeks, maybe? contort his mouth into an awkward smile like she used to do when they were kids?

….Kiss him?

Gloria exhaled, closing her eyes. There had come a certain point in Gloria’s life where she had to admit to herself that, yes, she did have a crush on Bede. It had just hit her one day, when they were talking together during a camping trip with Hop and Marnie. the latter were off cooking while her and Bede had sat together, playing with their pokemon and idly debating over something. It was a little heated, sure, but most of their conversations were; and they were having fun, nonetheless. Mid-debate; Gloria’s boltund had bounded up to Bede with a happy huff and plopped themselves down right on his lap, bringing a pause to their conversation as Bede looked down at the dog, then Gloria, with an expression halfway between bewildermant and offense. She had laughed, and he had let out an indignant huff; before he relaxed and, surprising her, he reached down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. And she wasn’t sure what exactly it was; but all to quickly, her world had come crashing down on top of her and all that was left in her brain as she watched her boltund melt into Bede’s touch and he, in turn, let out a sound; a gentle, amused sigh; his face soft in a way she’d only ever seen a few rare times; was four words.

“Oh. I like him.”

And; well, really, it had all just been downhill from there for Gloria. Her fondness for him only grew; and Slowly, over the years, he’d been letting her in more and more, letting her see far beyond what was on the surface.

She found him endearing; despite everything. Deeply flawed, but endearing nonetheless. However, she wasn’t sure where to even begin when it came to approaching Bede about the subject. He had never expressed much desire or interest in pursuing any sort of romantic relationship. At least, none that she herself had ever seen. And Bede was, to put it simply, a very private and closed-off person, and much like a stray cat; one wrong move and he’d be spooked off; potentially forever; and that was the last thing she wanted to happen.

But, oh did she want to love him so badly. There was so much she wanted. She wanted to talk and laugh with Bede, hold his hand in hers; hug him and not be shoved unceremoniously off him, she wanted to kiss him all over his face and instead of him grimacing, she wanted him to smile and kiss her back. She’d like to spend the night with him, eating dinner with him, having those conversations with him that always somehow seemed to devolve into semi-heated debates because their differing ideas until they both inevitably passed out together.

Gloria was so deep in her pining for Bede that it was frustrating her now; because as much as she just wanted to blurt out how she felt, she knew that it would lead to nothing good. She’d always made the mistake of running her mouth; hell, she STILL frequently made that mistake, but this was the one thing she wasn’t completely willing to let fall apart in front of her. No, she’d come too far with Bede at this point and she outright refused to lose his friendship. So for once in her life; she would bite down on her tongue.

Because she’s not quite sure she could handle losing Bede from her life; no matter how frustrating it was for her to swallow how much she felt for him.

There was a noise, and she felt something on her shoulder, shaking her. Gloria eyes snapped open, her vision blurry for a few moments as they readjusted to the light flooding in again as she looked around, confused.

How long had she been zoning out? Had she fallen asleep?

“Ah, there you are. Rather unwise of you to fall asleep in a public place like this, Gloria.” Gloria’s eyes fell on Bede, standing beside her booth, shiny spritzee hovering around him out of the corner of her eye as she caught the last moments of him removing his hand from her shoulder, and she stared dumbly up at him for a few seconds.

Oh. Bede was here now.

“You’re here.” Bede scoffed, shaking his head as he took his seat across from her in the booth.

“Astute observation.” His eyes fell on her for a brief moment as he reached for the menu that sat in front of him. “I apologise for my being tardy. the weather caused some delays.”

“You were late?” She scrambled for her rotom phone; and, sure enough, he was about fifteen minutes late. “Oh. It’s okay. I didn’t even notice.”

“Of course you didn’t; you were passed out. I doubt you even received my message.” Gloria switched to her messaging app. Oh. He had left her a message earlier, stating that he may be arriving late.

“Ah. Oops.” Bede hummed non-committedly in return, looking over the menu; his left hand over his mouth in that stupidly endearing thoughtful pose of his.

“I take you haven’t even ordered yet?” Gloria realised she hadn’t even picked up the menu herself yet, and she fumbled to do so, her face feeling familarly warm and her palms beginning to sweat.

“Nope. Was waiting for you.” It didn’t take her long to decide on what she wanted; and Bede didn’t respond; so she instead took that time to look at Bede across from her as his focus lay on his own menu.

There was something different…

She squinted, leaning forward a bit. There was definitely something different about him. Bede took notice of her expression, lilac eyes flicking up to her, confusion knitted his features.

“What on earth are you staring at—”

“—Did you get a haircut?” Bede’s eyes widened a little, and Gloria knew she’d hit the nail on the head. She leaned back again into her chair, smiling. Truthfully, it wasn’t a big change. She had just noticed that he had gotten his curls trimmed a little on the nape of his neck. But it looked nice on him, regardless.

“I…yes, I did, actually.” His eyes flicked away from her, and Gloria’s smile grew wider. “I’m rather surprised you noticed, actually. You’re the first one to do so today.”

“‘Course I noticed! Looks good; looks handsome!” Bede’s face snapped immediately snapped back to look at hers, his eyes wide and shocked; and Gloria would have slapped herself right then if she could have.

“—For, uh, you know! It’s—uh, appropriate! Like—like Ballonlea’s gym leader ‘ought look good, right? Opal always used to say presentation was important, yeah?” She fumbled through her words, and she could feel the eyes of both Bede and his spritzee on her. His Spritzee, in particular, hovered over her, her bright yellow eyes staring straight through her. “I…I just think you look…nice…” Her words peetered out pathetically as she sunk a little into her seat. Bede’s gaze upon her was incredulous; and she would have normally delighted in the way his pale cheeks were flushed red if she wasn’t so embarrassed herself. After what felt like a century; Bede finally looked away from her, clearing his throat awkawrdly.

“…Right. Well; shall we order?” Gloria nodded fervently as she lifted her hand to hail down a waiter. As the two ordered their food and drinks, Bede went off on a tangent about his most recent auditions at Ballonlea, and Gloria sat and listened to his every haughty, smug word, thankful that he hadn’t chosen to comment further on her earlier stumble.

                                                         ———————

It was halfway through her meal, and after she’d taken a much-too-large bite of her sandwich, that Gloria remembered what Hop had asked of her that morning. Her cheeks too stuffed to say anything, Gloria instead waved her hand in front of Bede’s face to get his attention.

“Mmf—Hey, Bede—”

“Chew and swallow before speaking, Gloria; you’re not a toddler.” He scrunched up his nose in that cute way he always did as he looked at her with mild disgust. Gloria rolled her eyes; but did take a moment longer to actually chew and swallow her mouthful. With and exhale, she quickly took a gulp of her drink, ignoring the sigh of disappointment that Bede, and finally turned back up to look at him again.

“Hop wanted to know if you were gonna RSVP for the wedding or not.” The mention of the wedding caused Bede to tense, and he carefully put down his utensils.

“I…Haven’t yet made a decision.”

“Why not? S’not like you’re the one getting married.”

“Yes, but Gloria what you don’t understand is that I do not particularly want to attend their wedding.”

“Why? They’re our friends; we should be there on their big day.” Bede opened his mouth to say something, but Gloria continued. “—And they ARE both of our friends, we are PAST trying to deny this.” Bede closed his mouth again with a sigh. “—So theres really no reason for you to have put it off for so long.”

[rootiebaga]

nobody asked, i know, but heres my departments thus far! (with nicknames, of course)

note! i do use mods, one of them being the ultimate fashion corp mod from reddit, a mod that lets you keep your employees after you reset a run, and some other useful ones

also its under the cut because uh- long

control team! (aka the OGS! (because control team is the first department people unlock when starting a run))

morty (former employee)

-may the brave fool rest, gone, but not forgotten.

rootieee (captain)

-its, its my self insert what do i have to sa

paul

-the most boring in the facility (and the most sane one in the department,)

-just wants to do his job correctly.

-not much to say about him, really

maxim (morty’s replacement after he died, rest in piece morty, you were a brave hero, yet a little dumb after trying to fight a green dawn in the early runs i had)

-morty’s big bro, a little sad that morty died but he didn’t know all that much in the facility,

-takes his job too seriously

-usually chills in the main room alot,

shao

-an absolutely innocent baby, even if they some horrifying abnormalities, they would still think of them as cute

-just, likes being here, many friends for them!

-they also like hugs!

igoree (rip)

-the sleepy employee has come back! wowie

-still sleepy and also hungry,

-the one who doesn’t work all that much

-..”how did she.. die? did she just want to? what in the world happened there? is it because of that behaviour adjustment thing?”

“just forget about it and keep working,”

“but, paul im curious-”

“quiet.”

eden

-woooooo returning!

-one of the calmest people in the department

-probably wouldn’t even be phased by the effect [CENSORED] gives her if we had it

“hey uh, eden? i got something to tell you..”

“go on shao,”

“didn’t... something happen to you? h-how are you even-”

“hey hey, dont worry about that! just, make sure you stay safe, alright?”

information team! (aka the threeks! (named by tom, who is dead, an idiot, and couldn’t count))

tom (dead)

-an idiot

-okay moving on

ryn

-the only one with aleph gear, seriously (edit (draft edition): hes the first one with aleph gear after i got nothing there’s gear, the second being daniel)

-chill once you get to know him,

-likes protecting others with his gear, since, you know

mason

-usually anxious, he doesn’t mean to be though!

-”alright calm down.. never mind this is not the time to calm dOW-”

-probably likes ryn??

eugene

-a little bit crazy, yet kind nonetheless! 

-hi

-just wants some friends, unfortunately not many people are willing to befriend her due to her kinda crazy nature

-basically someone who cares for everyone in the facility, y e e

(also whats known as a “bow kinnie” to the control team captain) /j

emma

-looks really kind until you try to talk to her, shes an asshole is what im trying to say

-likes to bite things with the sharp teeth she has, because why not

-absolute chaos

ray

-i dont know why she exists, shes just there

safety team! (aka the wind wielders (named by isabel, cause he likes flutes))

isabel

-brother of gregory

-the second innocent bean,,

-likes playing the flute whenever hes done for the day

-i accidentally gave him crumbling armour’s gift

gregory

-brother of isabel

-prefers acting over playing instruments,

-a bit more serious,

neville (prefers nelville)

-an absolutely tired employee, they just like waiting till everyone is done for the day to go home

-they’d be at home if they weren’t forced by their friend to work here

-hates everything right now

ramirez

-the joyful friend

-wanted to work here because of the people here, so many unique faces!

-likes all things unique, she usually loves trying different things that look nothing alike from the things she tried before

khanna

-the mute employee in the facility, uses notes to communicate

-another sane one, yet still kinda nervous

-a bean

training team! (aka “nobody here is fine” (named for the fact that almost everyone is very nervous, and then we got firenze))

hana

-the one thats sad most of the time

-really helpful for when it comes to working on abnormalities!

-gregory has a crush on them (why would you say tha)

sobin

-before you think of him as edgy, hes not all that edgy personality wise, he just likes the aesthetic

-hes just a really chill and friendly dude

-yes, he can see more with the e.g.o outfit hes wearing, it is pretty strange to him though

firenze

-the narcissist, he really thinks hes the king of this department

-hes wrong its actually hana thats the captain of this department

-nobody likes him

daniel

-actually used to be a clerk! the face was a little different then before but hey, thats fine

-the third pure bean

-hes a really good friend to have!

susan

-what can i say about her?

-well i mean

-shes susan

central command team! (aka where is everyone? (due to there being not many agents here))

geminiano

-the most sane one in the facility (while being the dead inside captain)

-really good when it comes to tech

-”oh sh** did anyone check on mika?”

charlotte

-the bald employee, doesn’t mind being bald, that just means she can take care of the “your bald” abnormality

-”ignore the second mouth i got on my armour, please”

-plays vibe games on roblox

mika

-absolutely. chill

-doesn’t know where he’s going most of the time

-the one that works on child of galaxy everytime

gimtteol

-really bad sight, she doesn’t mind it

-kalm

-nobody can spell her name right

arang (prefers ayang)

-you thought sobin was the edgelord huh? think again

-easily annoyed.

-also was a clerk before

john

-the newbie!

-hes trying okay?

-hes still a little nervous but thats fine!

disciplinary team! (aka f**k (also nicknamed “why do we have red” due to me choosing little red riding hooded mercenary every run where theres disciplinary))

ara

-angy

-another person that takes their job way too seriously but doesn’t mean to

-not really that rude sometimes, but most of the time she can be a bit of an asshole, probably because of something that happened in the past, nobody wants to talk about it though

-lesbian

camille

-has a slightly torn snake tongue, it makes them not able to speak, they mostly make noises like growling,

-nobody knows why their like this, they just are, but dont be afraid to talk to them if you need anything! they usually write what their trying to say

-the expert, especially at finding things, even if they cant speak

tim

-another returning employee! wooooo

-still dead inside, but feeling a little bit better!

-might be the oldest out of everyone

welfare team! (aka “sleep tight” (nobody knows why its called that)

space

-very calm, most of the time doesn’t mind anything, but still does get a little nervous at times

-nobody knows why her eyes are always closed, (ara specified that her eyes look like a galaxy that can only be opened for a couple of seconds because if she opens them for more than a few seconds they’ll start to glitch, when others see it happening, it looks like the galaxy is becoming more like an image other than a real galaxy, parts of the galaxy become misplaced and reverted back to their original place quickly repeatedly (kinda like the select thing in paint, usually in the shape of the rectangular selection though) and parts of the galaxy turn into static and back very quickly and repeatedly. we she sees it happening her vision becomes the same as how other people see the galaxy when it starts glitching, randomly shifting from original place to different place, or from static back to normal, some ominous, glitchy sounds have been heard when this is happening aswell, (i thought of this because of a small dream(?) i had when i was in a certain state of almost about to fall asleep, maybe i was napping i dont really know, it was a strange dream, i dont remember much of it which is expected, i think it was something about discord and some sort of strange thing that had a little timer on it, and after it was done the thing it was in started glitching, the background it was in and even the button that used to be the timer was glitching, i heard some sounds that were glitching a little (it looked like those screens you see when someone’s streaming something on there,) and then i woke up, yeah kinda weird,)

-like eugene, cares for everyone! especially ara, since space herself is the one who helps ara through tough times

courtney

-gets bored alot, just wants to work on the difficult abnormalities

-really snarky

johnson

-a smartass

-yet still a little friendly if they trust you

-i’ll upgrade them soon dont worry (i have upgraded them/him dont worry)

,

woop!

i’ll probably update this soon, but in the meantime have this, sorry for being dead lately, on both this and my sideblog

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[infantacarlota]

literally everyone: can u for once if your miserable life stop with the sad ansty shit  me:  

time: c. late 2016 riley can meet me in a mcdonalds parking lot and fight me on this later if she wants characters mentioned: @ofcosima, @princetomas

There’s something special about all of the fancy formal and informal highly decorated parties and events taking place towards the end of the year. 

There was a time in her teenage years when she had stopped feeling this way ( at that point in her life being surrounded by people only made her feel more alone ), but she was glad that wave of depressing isolating disenchantment seemed to have passed and be well behind her. Not even know did she feel tempted to circle back to it; while the last handful of years had had their downside moments, they been good to her, sometimes better than she felt deserving of. 

It was nice to be able to catch up with those she didn’t get to see as often, even if only in a superficial manner, and comforting to realise that time and distance don’t matter when it comes to some friendships. 

It was perhaps a little sad or even pathetic to admit it, even if only to herself and nobody else, but she had needed this - was thankful for it. All the mingling and socialising and re-connecting and helping out and offering support to other’s when needed ( because in these events, after glasses of Moët & Chandon, feelings often get the best of people ), it was all helping keeping her busy and distracted. 

At the very least, she could thank Tommy’s parents ( whom, truly, she was still fond of ) for that. The holidays themselves were going to be painful, she had been bracing herself as best as she could for it, but until then she didn’t have much time to sit around dwelling on how her life had so suddenly been thrown upside down for there were too many events and parties to attend to or help plan. Not that the heartache she woke up with, carried with her all day, and said goodnight to every night ever let her forget it, anyway. 

These days, she had been trying to think of the pain that made it seem like one of her limbs was missing as a friend - as a reminder that it only hurt was much as it did because it was had been something good and real.

( And my God, she misses it every day and it hurts so overwhelmingly much everywhere all the time - even when she happens to laugh the underlying pain is still present. And not having a best friend there with her any longer makes it all a thousand times more difficult to bear. )

She doesn’t believe that she’ll ever not what to share things with him ( even the smallest most mundane things at times ), but she hoped that one day thinking of the pain as something good would help make everything easier. That it would help her no longer feel like something had struck her in the chest leaving her forgetting for to breathe for a second when she remembered she no longer could just call or text or want to see him. 

Because she still did.  

And it was such an excruciating journey to go through time and time again; the innate knee-jerk reaction to want to tell him about something or simply ask him about his day, only for a second later to dawn on her that she couldn’t, or rather, shouldn’t. She still spoke to him when they happened to be thrown under the same roof, all quick and polite conversation, desperately attempting to maintain some sort of normalcy, as if it was possible to act the same way she did before they had been together. 

But was easier for both of them to keep a distance, Carlota had easily and gladly respected that. It didn’t feel like it, not in the least, but it was. 

He wasn’t here tonight however ( and she suspected Cosima wasn’t either ) but was going to have to face him again eventually and in a bittersweet way she didn’t mind it - seeing him would hurt, but she also missed being in his presence. 

She could swear that even in the noisiest of rooms, the quietest voice could mention his name that her ears would somehow be able to hear it, and she always stops everything she’s doing and thinking about to try to listen. Even when she’s speaking to other people her attention always wonders to whatever voices are speaking his name - she can’t ever keep herself from paying attention to what’s being said about him. 

Maybe she should, but he’s still a dear friend ( he’ll always be a dear friend, he’ll always have a part of her heart ), even if they haven’t talked in a while.

Nothing could prepare her to hear Cosima’s name in the same sentence as Tommy’s though.  

                    “I swear. Cosima. From Andorra.”

It hits her like a mallet to the temple and suddenly it’s as though the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving her feeling slightly dizzy. 

All at once she feels the pain of Cosima’s sudden and inexplicable ghosting, the pain of when Tomás told her they had to end things ---- and now the pain of hearing the two of them are together.

It’s heartbreak all over again only this time times three, and Carlota stands very still, not even daring to open her mouth, afraid that if she makes the slightest of movements she’ll disintegrate into a million pieces.

          “She’s pretty.”

                   “Kinda crazy if you ask me.”

         “You always think every woman is kind of crazy then wonder why they won’t date you.”

                               “I think she’s a mama’s girl.”

It’s an awful thing and she hates herself for it, but doubt and insecurity immediately begin to cloud her mind like they hadn’t in years, and she can’t help but wonder if Cosima and Tommy had been together before...

No. She admonishes herself. 

Tomás wouldn’t have done that to her, he would never cheat on her or lie to her, and, despite all that happened ( and which she’s still struggling to wrap her head around ), she wants to believe Cosima wouldn’t have either. 

                  “Wait, don’t you know her Car?”

All eyes turn to her and the world begins moving at a regular pace again.  

Carlota reminds herself to breathe. Slowly.

She was like a sister to me, she thinks. “We were friends.” She replies.

                “Why would you have befriended her?”

        “She befriends everyone. But it’s a gift Car, I don’t have it.” 

                              “That’s because you’re chronically incapable of being nice.”

The voices and their playful bickering become background noise but the grin was still gracing her lips - or rather, now plastered on her lips, but the people around her didn’t seem to notice the slight change. 

A part of her was thankful for it.

Another wanted to fall on the floor with her flowy Elie Saab dress pooling around her like a kind of protective shield, uncontrollably sobbing her heart out and to hell with whoever saw it and what they thought.

She can feel her chest collapsing in on itself.

Breathe, she reminds herself again. She had learned many things during her three years ( which felt more like a whole lifetime ) with Tommy and how to breathe when the world seems to be falling apart had been one of them. 

Breathe.

“I should go check on my sister.” 

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. She repeats the worlds time and time again inside her brain as she walks away, her hands tightly holding the flute of champagne close to her chest. Not tonight, she concedes, but it’ll be fine it’ll be fine it’ll be fine . 

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[mickylala]

We'll start with a bit of background. I grew up in a hunted house, we had 2 ghosts 1 guy which i stoped really seeing around 8 and the 2nd was a woman I named Bob (I was 5, and thought the name was cool). Bob was really good, gave me my space and understood the 1 rule of dont enter the bedroom, it's my safe place. Theres lots of little storys I could share about bob but this post isnt about her.

I moved into my 2nd house since leaving my parents house, it's a little 1 bedroom batch that's been in the family for 50 odd years. The guy before me left his old bed so I had to keep my bed in the lounge for the 1st month or so be4 he could pick it up. The 2nd week in I was trying to sleep, 1 of those nights u wake up every 2 hours. Around 2 I randomly felt really annoyed and out of no where i was slammed into the bed. I clearly felt 2 hands push into my shoulders. I was understandabley a bit freaked and the next morning I swapped the beds around.

There wasnt a peep from my roommate for most of the next year, I'd actually forgotten about them. When winter came around the house got really cold so I moved the bed back into the lounge so I only had to heat 1 room. I was just dozing and I heard the toilet flush. At first it didnt really register, then I thought I live alone! I feel this flash of extreme annoyance then theres a pressure on my chest, like someone's sitting on it, followed by a rustling noise like someone was trying to shake my head and something kept moving toward and away from my head. I couldnt breathe and even tho I could c I kept trying to open my eyes. I looked around me to find my dog thinking hed jumped on me but no hes asleep on the pillows next to my head. It stops and I take a quick breath, trying to process what happened when it returns with even more pressure and quickly disappears. I checked my watch at was 3:59. Next day with lots of grumbling I moved back into the cold bedroom, best guess is they dont like me sleeping in the lounge.

Couple weeks later I was up late gaming when out of the side of my eye i saw the outline of a woman walk into the lounge, past me and sit on the couch. I kept gaming just trying to ignore her, I lasted maybe 15 minutes and decided to turn it off and go to bed. I just pretended she wasnt there and nothing else happened. I decided to continue like she wasnt there and not engage/talk to her. But I made rules so shed be more comfortable and so it wouldn't happen again. Id stay out of the lounge past 10 so she had the lounge for the rest of the night. Keep the back door/bathroom/laundry room clean as a couple of my mates said they felt someone watching them whenever they went into that room (thinking she goes there during the day to keep out of the way).

Fast forward a couple months to Halloween, I thought shed do something thinking shed be more active. The big night was good nothing happened, it was a couple days after, last night that she played up. My dog woke me up a little after 1 and I was struggling getting back to sleep. When 2 clocked around all I could think was fuck it's her time. Dog got up and zipped around the house and came back, so she must have made a noise and he went to investigate. Couple minutes later he got up again and disappeared for a bit so I thought fuck I'm gonna have to go get him. He was by the back door wanting to go toilet so we sort that and get settled back in bed. I was just falling back to sleep when I felt something walk into the room. Even tho I have the bedroom as my safe room I wasnt too mad as I'd gone into the lounge in her time and I have 4 kittens at the moment thinking shed wanted to nosey. But I felt that same damn pressure on my chest and even tho I could c I kept trying to open my eyes and my mouth but I couldnt. It stopped and before i could say anything it happened again harder but this time I saw a little face, not sure if they where far away or had a small head. I tried telling them to go away but all I could get out was a couple puffs. My amazing dog must have woken in all this and growled and it stopped. I full out glared at the spot I'd seen the face, rolled over and somehow went to sleep.

I'm not sure if shes making me relive how she died/ shes trying to kill me or this is just how she shows her annoyance. I dont mind her it's just when she does shit like this that pisses me off. I've thought of going to a psychic or someone who could tell me what they want but that could make her worse. Same for me actually talking to her, I dont want to encourage her.

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU) Chapter 8.5

Mini chapter for you guys. I have a smut drabble for later. 

warnings: alcohol, fluff, blood, implied smut

Chapter 8.5

Apparently Theres an Echo

——————-

She woke up to the cold sewer air prickling the skin that wast covered by her t-shirt and Pennywise’s long arms. He was still holding her on top of him and she could heard a soft purring from his chest reminding her of a giant cat.

“Nhm Pen are you purring.”

“No”

“Then why are you vibrating”

“No” he mumbled apparently he had fallen asleep too which was rare for Pennywise outside of hibernation.

She sat up and yawned noticing her claws on her hands “Well these are new” they shrunk back into normal fingers.

“Oooh my kitten’s got claws now” the clown purred he was still on his back and began to fold his hands behind his head basking in the after glow.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“No clue don't really keep a working clock down here” he said as he sat up plopping Leech’s beanie he had stolen back on her head. She kissed his cheek and he rolled his eyes at the sweet gesture. “I’m hungry wanna join me?” he said standing up now a devious toothy grin began to grow on his face.

“Dont think I'm the kid eating type Pen sorry.”

“Its almost night the only people out right now are going to be adults and teens. You can watch the master at work!” he waggled his eyebrows and held a hand out to her.

“I think I'm going to make my way home and grab a drink.” she replied taking his hand.

“Such a picky eater. Suit yourself.” he pulled her up and held her for a minute. “I’ll see you soon kitten” he leaned down and kissed her sweetly she smiled into it and brought her hands around his ruffles not noticing his yellow eyes slowly open halfway through the sweet gesture or the small smirk he was wearing when they pulled away from each other. “Bye Pen” she smiled picking up one of her discarded clothing items. He waved at her as he made his way to the tunnels.

—————-

“Nice makeup Leech!” she heard as she walked into the house.

“Uh thanks Chucky?” she said as the doll walked by

“Really brings out the eyes” said Tiff who was laughing at something. Leech was seriously confused she didn't wear makeup that much anymore with her reflection beginning to disappear.  

“Ok guys seriously is there something on my face? Why are you all talking about makeup?”

“Not something toots, someone!” Freddy shouted he always stayed at their place when Drac had laundry day.

She pulled out her phone and snapped a quick selfie. It was the only way she could actually see what she looked like anymore. She nearly dropped it when she saw the red and white make up smeared all over her face and lips.

“PENNYWISE YOU ASSHOLE” she roared making her way towards the basement where the old well was erupting now with loud cackling. Oh he was in so much trouble now.

“Dont worry he's about to get his humiliation too.” Chucky snickered

“What’d he do this time.” Leech asked trying to wipe her face with her flannel.

“Oh I think you already know” said Freddy walking up to her and slapping her hard on the shoulder.

“The whole town knows from what I heard” Tiffany called out.

“Wait….. what?” Leech’s eyes were wide with confusion and horror.

“Didn’t know Jingles could howl like that nice job!” Chucky gave her a thumbs up.

“OH MY GOD”

The entire room died from laughter. She was paralyzed in shock realizing that everyone near a drain just heard what she and the clown had done. Pennywise was walking up from the basement now chewing on a leftover hand. He decided to give his favorite big eared bloodsucker a little scare and used it to tap Leech on the shoulder. When she jumped he saw the look of terror on her face and ginned proudly thinking everyone was still laughing at his prank. “GOT YOU” he sang. His grin turned into a frown when she didn't react.

“……….Pen did you know that the sewer… echoes?” the housemates snickered in the background

Pennywise’s expression became cold with sudden realization. “Oh no” he whispered as Freddy looked like he was about to suffocate from holding back his laughter.

“H-how many people…know.” his eyes began to drift apart.

“Everyone with a drain jingles. Pinhead called by the way he wanted to….. thank you?” Chucky said on the verge of cackling. Leech had slumped down onto her knees in utter defeat.

“Kudos to you hun for putting that ruffled asshole in his place” Tiff managed to tell her between giggles

“I-Im going to k-kill them all” Penny turned to Leech his smile was cracked and deranged and his eyes were going two completely different directions. He had begun to shake and twitch a bit she could faintly hear his soft bells jingle. The entire house exploded with laughter Chucky was actually crying from laughing so hard. Church the cat screamed in surprise from the sheer volume of the noise and ran between Penny’s feet and up the stairs. The clown was so frozen with embarrassment he didn't even notice.

“Say Leech, does he jingle while he fucks? Please tell me he does.” Freddy was finally able to call out to her.

“Pen… I know you said you wouldn't but. Please. Please kill me. I'm ready to die now” she looked over to the clown but he was gone. The basement door slamming shut. Leech snapped dashing for the door.

“PEN NO WAIT!! YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE! YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND TAKE ME WITH YOU! PENNYWISE YOU BASTARD IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS ALONE!” She ran to the door pounding on it as it locked and everyone howled with laughter again.

Leech crept downstairs after she was good everyone had gone to bed she NEEDED a drink. she made a beeline for the fridge planning on making a “Literal bloody marry” as she called it blood and vodka were the main ingredients with whatever she could throw in from the fridge for flavor. she had been getting her blood supply from work Leatherface had been kind enough to save her leftover blood in buckets until she could make her own kills. She really did love that giant maniac, he was like the big brother she never had.

As she opened the fridge door Pennywise flopped out, he had contorted himself into it as a hiding spot from further embarrassment.

“Is everyone gone?” he said with his face on the floor. It was a pitiful sight to see such a proud terrifying creature reduced to a state of utter humiliation.

“Yes. Now tell me where my fucking vodka is before I make you howl again and not in a good way.”

The clown shut the fridge with his foot and flicked it back open the items fully restored. Leech frantically grabbed her mixes and dumped them into a pitcher stirring it quickly before chugging it. Pennywise had rolled onto his back to watch her attempt to drown herself with a mix of blood and alcohol.

“Slow down there firecracker, or were going to have a repeat of last movie night. You argued with Freddy for 20 minutes about song lyrics”

“Freddy was fucking wrong and he still is.”

He stood up and snatched the pitcher out of her hand and drank some himself Leech protested with hisses and growls.

He whistled through his buckteeth after the taste of the drink. “You plan on adding more blood to your vodka dear?”

“After what just happened I don't think I ever want to be sober again.”

Pennywise winced and took another gulp. He didn't usually like the taste of alcohol unless it was extremely sugary but after the humiliation he just suffered he was willing to force it down in an attempt to make the situation less awful “For once I'm agreeing with you” he said.

After a few more drinks the pair stumbled over to a couch Leech sitting between the clowns legs her head against his chest. Apparently the clown cant hold his liquor well.

“Weeeee should watch a movie” Leech said tilting her head up at him

“Like whaaaat” he giggled. The clown was all laughs and jingles when drunk and his coordination went out the window.

“Something don't have to think about. I'm done with using my brain for today”

“As ifff you ever use it” he slurred

“Careful Jingles or I’ll tell everyone exactly what made you howl my name all through the sewer.” she snapped her teeth at his ruffled collar for dramatic effect.

“We’re not talking about that.”

They popped in a cheesy horror from Leech’s slowly growing movie collection, Pennywise couldn't help constantly giving critiques on the monster in a weird attempt to impress her “Its all wrong! This guy sucks I’d be so much better” he'd say.

“He doesn't even have a personality!” Occasionally he'd throw out a playful drunken insult her way just to get a rise out of her.

“Leeeech! Look see he's got no finesse like you!!” he'd giggle at that while affectionately playing with her giant pointy ears and Leech would nip at him causing him to giggle even more.

“Don't be a dick Pen” she shoved his knee.

“Ok, ok, but look at this! Look Leeech! You’re not looking! Leechie I’m trying to help you!”

“You're drunk Pennywise” Leech chuckled taking one of his hands and trying to lace her fingers in with his.

“So are you.” he growled.

“Hey Pen?”

“hm?” he grunted head tilted back from the swirl of the booze

“What are we? Since people are gunna ask now.”

He could have sworn he saw Chucky peaking around the corner with a sign saying “TELL HER YOU LOVE HER IDIOT” which made him wince in frustration.

“Complicated” he replied arms tightening around her

She seemed a bit disappointed with his answer. “You can say that again.” she sighed turning her head to lay against him, both eventually passing out to the flicker of the tv screen.

-------------

Smut drabble on its way later tonight!

[ts-janus-rp-blog]

"Virgil! Virgil, calm down. I know this is scary, my child, I know this is scary and a lot. But you need to calm down," The queen's voice was coming from the headphones that Virgil has over his ears. The voice was muffled and very quiet, but even so, Virgil could hear exactly what she was saying... And even background noise. It was a lot to take in. "I'm trying to figure out how to reverse this. Roman, he changed you into one of them. Which I didn't think was possible but I suppose...theres something new every day. The reason why there's a tarp up and you have headphones on, is that their species is very sensitive to practically all their senses, sights, sounds, touch, smell... I didn't want you to be overwhelmed when you woke up."

"Please, please, stop hurting yourself, my child. Please... I'm working on a way to fix this, but please stop hurting yourself! Just calm down and breathe. Calm down and..."

"Virgil? Can you hear me?" Logan... It was Logan's voice. Guess he took the mic from the queen. "Hey... Vee... Can you breathe for me? Like how you help me to breathe when I'm overwhelmed? Do you think you can do that? Here, well do it together. How does that sound, hun?" His voice was quiet and soothing, very soft and gentle.

🐺🔒-Part 22-🔒🐺

TW: Misgendering. Rape. Swearing. Blood (mention). Injury (mention). GRAPHIC - Read at your own risk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

↣P1-P10, P11-P20, P21↢

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@ts-janus-rp-blog

{Previous Reply}

Axel smiled softly back to him, but when he was hugged back he smiled even more, glad that he was able to give him some sort of comfort. But when he was handed back the chew toy he shook his head and handed it right back to Virgil. "Nah... Nah... Y... You! You..." He pointed at Virgil's chest, as if to say that it's for him. He obviously needs the comfort way more than he does right now. And he went right back to hugging Virgil and be gave a happy coo at the kiss on his head. He certainly liked that affection. He blinked though when he heard the wings and than, the queen's voice... Oh...

The queen smiled softly to axel, though she's sure he won't be able to see her but she did it anyways. However, when Virgil snuggle up to her she smiled. Only for that smile to turn upside down when she heard what he was saying. Oh... vee... "You weren't an accident or a mistake... They created you so...you could be their punching bag in the hopes that you'll become like them... They had you for those reasons, my child. You were not a mistake, or an accident. Even if you were an accident, I think you are a wonderful accident. Hm, my child?" That's what they were talking about when she left? And Logan just left Virgil like this?! Ugh... He may not hurt Virgil directly or yell at him like the twins did but...he's becoming very close to being punished in her eyes...

[aunclesquishy]

been thinkin im depressed, but then again i dont sleep in and still have an interest in the things i like? i have motivation issues but then again thats nothing new

im still happy when good things happen like ‘yeah this is great’

i mean i guess its different for everybody but idk

hmm i found a list and--while it is online [from the mayo clinic specifically] and therefore not a real basis for anything--i do seem to experience at least some of these

Mood: anxiety, apathy [its kinda, like, selective apathy?], general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest [i guess? what kind of interest exactly? in general], loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings[???? maybe????], or sadness

Sleep: early awakening [i mean im trying to wake up earlier anyway but like this morning i woke up around 6-something intead of 7:30 like i planned], excess sleepiness, insomnia, or restless[ish] sleep

Whole body: excessive hunger, fatigue, loss of appetite [ill still eat even when im not hungry, does that count], or restlessness

Behavioral: agitation, excessive crying, irritability, or social isolation [ive been good abt it lately but i kind of have to force myself even if i want to]

Cognitive: lack of concentration, slowness in activity, or thoughts of suicide [its like, baby thoughts. or idk maybe i just dont want to accept it or whatever. its more of a sense that everythings pointless and i want to leave and hit ‘reset’, but not like, straight-up die, yknow?]

Weight: weight gain or weight loss [it fluctuates]

Also common: poor appetite or repeatedly going over thoughts

like, if something good is going on or that makes me happy, im fine. its when im left alone with my thoughts that itll get really bad

also lately ive been getting like, a buzzing? im not HEARING things, but if im not thinking of something [or sometimes if i am, like right now], its like there has to be something else going on in my head and it manifests as background noise and its like i can physically feel my brain filling in the empty space. it kind of sounds like when youre out in public and theres the noise of ppl chatting and such that youre able to ignore but its still there in your peripheral.

its like my mind is racing with no actual purpose

is that a thing? maybe its an adhd thing, ive just been really aware of it lately

[destructive--paradise]

it’s currently 142am and i just finished 13 reasons why on netflix. i woke up to my roomates talking but it wasn’t super early, i think i just wished i could have slept more. not sure if thats a good thing still. these days i always crave to sleep but can never succeed at it, for instance right now. i know i cant wait to be asleep but i will push myself further and further because i suck. i watched the entire show within two or so days. i read the book in high school, maybe late middle school. it was my first favorite book, i fell in love with it. i couldn’t put it down i took it everywhere i went, and i finished it within a couple days just like i did the show. i didn’t know it yet but it sort of spoke to me, not to sound to cliche... but i don’t know, as a teenager, i needed it sort of. it helped me get through what i was going to have to get through, better yet what i have gotten through recently even in college. i had no clue that it would just get worse in college than in high school. god forbid i did anything close to what i did to myself/still sometimes do to myself now, in high school.. i am so thankful that it wasn’t as bad as it is now, as it has been, in high school, even. i think i was sugarcoating the show and treating it as entertainment these past few days purely because it was a masterpiece of artwork considering that i’d read the book years ago. but when the scene came, i got this sickening feeling in my stomach - it was insanely raw. no background noises, just her - in the bathtub, with the razor, shaking, and slitting her wrists, screaming, and crying, and shivering some more, and sinking down into the water as it filled up with blood, bleeding to death. and the water overflowing, again, no background sound, just overflowing with a red tint, her mom coming home and saying theres water everywhere and opening the door and seeing her and breaking down and saying shes okay and the dad is what broke me so much more, jesus... fuck i cant even think about it i had to write i LITERALLY just finshed it... its still fresh in my mind, it makes me sick that i would think i would ever do such a thing to myself. christ. i will never do that to myself. no matter the pain. ill relate to it, yes, as much as i want to - i will wallow... but i will push myself to get better. i will push on, for the sake of others, and ONLY for the sake of others.. i can believe sometimes that i am selfish... but i know for a fact that i would never want ANYONE to find me the way it was depicted in this last episode i watched. jesus. 

[theadventuresofhelena]

Feelin 22

Wowzers, I have not been keeping this updated but I have been having the most amazing time here. A lot of people asked about my birthday so I decided to make a quick post about it because it was just so wonderful. Slight background information, my birthday marked two weeks of being on the ship so I didn’t expect much from anyone because yes I had friends but we all hadn’t gotten super close yet. Also, while we’re at sea we don’t get weekends so we have class every day, and I got insanely lucky because my birthday was a no class day so on top of not having classes, I also didn’t have to work! So, I wake up, and Sara and I get ready to go get breakfast. We both accidentally forgot to set our clocks back an hour so we woke up at 6am instead of 7, so we just kinda hung out in the room for a little bit and then left for breakfast after hanging out and talking for like 20 mins. I open the door for us to leave, and balloons fly towards me and at first I was freaked out but then I realized my door was covered with balloons and about one million sticky notes saying Happy Birthday and randomly silly things as well as little kind notes from other people (everyone is so amazing here, have I mentioned that before???) so after reading all of the post it notes we got up to breakfast and immediately Sara tells the (fantastic) workers that it’s my birthday. They ended up serving me my breakfast and made sure I got the yogurt that I wanted that wasn’t out and then they came over with a little cut up apple and began to sing happy birthday to me while clashing the plastic bowls together to make more noise and everyone who was eating breakfast at the time joined in to sing happy birthday to me, it was so sweet. After breakfast Sara and I went back to our room and I took a shower, afterwards I just got out and hung out on my bed with my towel covering me (this is important in about 5 seconds I promise lol) while Sara and I talked. About ten minutes later theres a knock on our door and I immediately look to Sara but I can tell she has no idea who is there. So, I go to the door and check through the peep hole to see who is outside, and I see it’s this new group of girls I had recently become friends with. There was Molly, Jocelyn, Allie, Allison, Kenzie, and Brynlin. And I made the quick decision that it was fine if they saw me with just a towel on, so I open the door and they all laugh but then they sang happy birthday to me and it was just so sweet! I was dying of laughter the entire time because the timing couldn’t be more perfect and then Allison made a joke about being in my birthday suit while they sang happy birthday to me, after they were done we decided to get together in a little bit to play cards. Once they left, Sara and I both were pretty tired so we ended up taking a nap and this kid Markus ended up stoping by our cabin to talk with Sara so he woke us up about an hour later. Once lunch time came around I met up with Molly, Allie, Allison, Kenzie, Jocelyn, and Brynlin and today was the very first TACO day and they were SO good! We also got ice cream and it was also delicious. After lunch I treated myself to a 80 minute hot stone massage and it was the most amazing thing in the entire world. Then I also got a mani pedi because Treat Yoself. Afterwards, I went back to my cabin to get ready for dinner and then met everyone up in the Lido Restaurant, I had invited everyone I could think of because I knew I was getting 2 cakes (one from my mom (love you mom thank u so much <3) and one from my friends) and they are huge! So we ran out of space to fit everyone but it was just so special and wonderful, Sara brought all the international friends and I had some classmates come and join as well as random people and we have this thing called an extended family (more on that later) but my extended family Grandpa John came and joined and he’s just the cutest old man! Also, my friend Natalia sang me Happy Birthday in Spanish, Katrina and Emma sang Happy Birthday to me in Danish and then they got everyone in the restaurant to sing Happy Birthday to me in English and it was just the most beautiful thing, I felt so loved and so happy. Then Sara and basically all the other international students sang ABBA’s Dancing Queen and it just made my night. I love Abba and that song and it was just fantastic. Then we all stuffed our faces with cake and there ended up being 2 other birthdays as well so we all sang along when their cakes came out. After dinner, Sara and I felt like a big ol potato from all the cake so we ended up working out and afterwards we felt so much better! I stopped by the library to say hello to Yuhwa, journaled for a bit afterwards and then came back to my room and ended the night talking with Sara. All in all it was just the most lovely day and evening, honestly probably one of my favorite birthdays so far :)