#wizards with guns

[paper-mario-wiki]

here is an anti-joke comedy sketch that feels like it's going to set up to make fun of a bunch of cringe nerds, but then the entire sketch is them getting along and enjoying each others company in a way that is genuine and heartwarming.

[g0at0ad]

my next batch of commissions! if you like the look of these and would like to support a family from gaza, check out my commission sheet!

[pigpenandpaper]

More average days at work, courtesy of this skit by WWG. (I don't wanna spoil it but nsfw)

[titleknown]

In other news, you all should subscribe to Wizards With Guns.

[victusinveritas]

[howlingday]

The Salem Song

Salem: Oh, Zwei~! I heard there's a song about me, and I want to hear it!

Zwei: Are... Are you sure?

Salem: Zwei, put the song on!

Zwei: It's... It's not very nice.

Salem: Zwei, put it on!

Zwei: Alright. (Presses scroll)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Music plays to the musical tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're a mean one, Ms. Salem~.

Salem: That's me~.

You're a fugly piece of shit~!

Salem: What?

You bring bendy straws to bathrooms 'cause you like the taste of piss, Ms. Saleeeeem~!

Salem: No. No, I- No, I don't.

I wouldn't suck your tits if they were dipped in honey and could cure cancer.

Salem: Monty Oum! Who wrote this?! Who wrote this song, Zwei?!

ALSO YOU HAVE NO TIIIIIITS~!

Salem: Zwei, stop the song.

Zwei: I can't.

Salem: What do you mean you can't?

Zwei: It's broken.

Salem: What's broken?!

Zwei: I dunno, it's jammed.

Salem: What do you- Fine! Can you at least turn it down?

Zwei: I can't. I... I'm a dog.

Salem: ZWEI!

You're a dipshit, Ms. Salem~.

Salem: (Sighs) Okay?

Even babies want you dead~!

Salem: ...Wow.

You've never bring home a man 'cause you're scared you'll wet the bed, Ms. Saleeeeeeem~!

Salem: I wish they weren't so good at rhyming.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote:

BITCH!

Salem: I'm not.

DUMPSTER!

BITCH!

Salem: No, no, no, this is not how it goes! Like, I knew they changed it, but I thought it would be like a key change, or maybe a guitar solo! But this is... This is just degrading. This hurts.

Zwei: It's pretty detailed, yeah.

Salem: What happened to the Beowolf part? I actually liked that part! It was kinda funny!

Zwei: It was a Beringel.

Salem: No, it was a Beowolf!

Zwei: It was a Beringel.

Salem: Was it a Beringel?

Zwei: Yeah, "Two Left Foot Beringel".

Salem: Oh.

You're poor, Ms. Salem~!

Salem: Didn't leave a stone unturned.

You can't afford the bus~!

Salem: Lower middle class, maybe!

You're deathly allergic to treenuts, and your exact address is thus,

Ms. Saleeeeeeem~!

Salem: What? Nonono! I-!

1482 Black Dragon Island Blvd.

Salem: Holy shit...

Remnant, Nevada.

Salem: That's my address! Wh-What are you gonna do?!

I MAILED YOUR BITCH-ASS A BAG OF NUUUUUUUUTS~!

Salem: This is a song that kids sing? Every year, they sing this same song around the Non-Descript Winter Holiday decorations?

Zwei: Yeah

Salem: A song that says "bitch"?! It has said "bitch" three times!

Zwei: Yeah, that's... That's too much.

Salem: They know I saved humanity, right?! Like, at the end of the series, I saved them all! I'm a good guy now! I pay my taxes! I go to church! (Epic solo) Oh, there is a guitar solo. ...Okay, that actually is a really good solo.

Zwei: Yeah.

Salem: Just a shame about the rest of the song.

It's not just that you are inbred~!

Salem: I'm fucked.

Miss Salem~!

Salem: This feels bad...

You don't know how to read~!

Salem: This feels really bad...

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH YOU LOVE TO SUCK DOWN PEE, MS. SALEEEM~!

Salem: ...

According to an anonymous poll, with a sample size of more than three thousand people of Remnant who are asked to rank you on a scale from one to a hundred...

Zwei: ...Ms. Salem?

Salem: (Gone from her seat)

...based on variant traits such as likeablility, general odor, and your physical attractiveness...

Salem: (Standing over a cliff, Music muffled)

...THE HIGHEST NUMBER WE GOT WAS THREEEEEE~!

Zwei: What's wrong, Ms. Salem?

Salem: ...You ever feel like no matter how hard you try, people will always see you as your past self. Just as this one thing. This one, unchangeable thing.

Zwei: ...Like a dog?

Salem: (Sighs) I guess no matter what I do, I'll always be this black, white, and red monster.

Zwei: You're red?

Salem: Yeah, I'm red.

Zwei: Oh. I always thought you were gray.

Salem: You didn't know I was red, too?

Zwei: No. Dog.

Salem: (Smiles) That's right.

Zwei: ...I love you, Ms. Salem.

Salem: (Pets Zwei) I love you, too, Zwei.

Zwei: Happy Non-Descript Winter Holiday.

Salem: Happy Non-Descript Winter Holiday.

[anhedoniacity]

has anyone on this site ever watched wizards with guns? i feel like they’d do numbers on here

[jewqueer]

Save a tree karate chop Harry Potter books

[pandynogatonga]

ok serious talk rn.

the BEST youtube channel currently is Wizards with Guns. please go check them out they're fuckign amazing. theyre doing incredible sketch comedy in the year of our lord twenty twenty something. theyre so fucking good. look em up, and binge their entire channel. do it now.

[imu-chan]

Wizards with Guns quotes I chant daily:

“Hi I’m Hillary Kitchen-“

‘How funny do you want your funeral?’

The👏🏼Bible👏🏼says👏🏼nothing👏🏼about👏🏼sucking👏🏼toes.”

‘You tired?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘cause you’re fat?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘cause of all the people you ate?’ *reluctant guilty tone* ‘yeah…’

‘Thebiblesaysdontbeafraid’

*tv salesman voice* Do you not know what pico de gallo is? Ugh, what IS it? *holds up a tiny horse statue* Is this it??? Seems like it is……

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m your little treatloaf.”

“Santa’s a big fan of a traditional Japanese art form known as he-“ “Nonono stop!” “You didn’t even know what I was gonna say!” “Fine…” “Kay………………..HENTAI”

‘Grapefruit? I thought grapes were a vegetable’

‘I’m Bing Mexico!’ ‘And I’m his brother Mexico!’

“ITS JUST A NAP.”

“The human body holds enough blood to fill up approximately 6 1/2 oven mitts.” “…..but why would you do that?”

‘The church is an octagon’

‘Uoouuh are those onions making you cry? It’s okay if you wanna cryyyyy’ ‘you’re crying so much right now’ ‘yOu KilLeD mY lObStEr’

“This game is called Dipsticks and Demons right?”

‘What does g*d think about maryo’s iminate relationship with luigee?’ ‘,,,aren’t they brothers?’ ‘……………disgusting’

“The human penis is actually really small.”

‘Three words: teeth for skin’ ‘….write that down’

‘Batting at his b-b-basketball-sized BALLSACK like a— likeaSPEEDBAG’

“Ay chihuahua!”

‘ I just bought a new Chevy Silverado! That’s not gon’ fit through the pearly gates!’

[crusaderguy]

Characters that are literally me. (They put me in the insane asylum).

Now as we all know, I'm not actually in the loony bin and it's just my edgy sense of humor. (This is a cry for help).

[wyldloganroth-blog]

I've been thinking about this a lot but how has gun magic not been a thing yet?

Like you can easily transmogrify your spellbook into a firearm and load up the spells you want to use as bullets or whatever kind of ammunition that coincides with the gun you're using.

Imagine you're like a cowboy, right? You don't have the means of getting a proper formal education in this kind of time period, but you do have enough talent to at transform, or at the very least glamour your book into a revolver, with charmed engravings along the sides of the pistol. Overtime you can teach yourself how to input spells into your bullets, like Acid Splash, Thunderbolt, Fireball, etc.

And with more modern weaponry, you could play around with the different ammo properties and what spells they're best used for. Smaller round types like normal pistol rounds or even semi-automatic rounds could be used for cantrips or 1st level spells, maybe even up to 2nd level. Rifle rounds and shotgun shells could range between 3rd-5th level spells, and then big ass ammo like magnum or even grenades could go even higher like 6th level and above.

I dunno, that just sounds so cool in my head, to kind of, not so much modernize, but reflavor wizard and artificer magic systems with our real world machinery and weaponry. I think it'd be a lot of fun.

[fieldofhate]

YouTubers are ruining Korea.

[dark-kunzite]

She told us everything about the Rebounderz.