#without losing most of himself and it terrifies him . 4. He deeply hates who he is and feels most like himself when he’s not himself at all

[teamfortresstwo]

Hm…. *thinks about new and increasingly fucked up reasons for Vox’s obsession with Alastor*

[blockgamepirate]

Technoblade’s purpose in the political narrative of the Dream SMP

I can’t sleep so I decided to finally write the post I’ve been struggling with for literal months, except way more casual because I can’t be bothered anymore and also I’m sleep deprived.

So the thing is: to me the DSMP storyline has always been primarily political, probably because I was introduced to it through Wilbur who was definitely going for political, and also because I’m just generally interested in political narratives right now. Obviously I appreciate the character work and the personal relationship stuff, that’s what makes it more interesting than just dry allegory, but when it comes down to it, this story is about politics to me. So that’s the angle I’m going to approach it from.

Also not to spoil the conclusions here, but I’m an anarchist, that’s my lens.

(Obviously all of this is about rp from here on out unless otherwise specified)

Basically the situation as Techno joins the server is this: L'Manburg exists as an autonomous nation and is de facto independent although not officially recognised by the Dream SMP. The self-appointed president Wilbur Soot decides to hold an election and rig it in order to consolidate his power over the nation he founded and he gets his VP Tommyinnit to join in on the plan. Their scheme fails and they end up voted out instead. The new president, Schlatt, immediately establishes himself as an authoritarian figure and exiles Wilbur and Tommy.

A couple of points on what the election arc demonstrates:

1: the appearance of democracy can be used for distinctly undemocratic purposes.

2: even if the elections aren’t rigged, the electoral system could be massively flawed and end up favouring a party that in fact didn’t have the popular vote

3: even if the winning government (the coalition in this case) has the majority vote, that doesn’t guarantee that they’ll actually act according to the popular will.

4: the supporters of the losing parties basically just have to let the majority overrule their wishes, espcially since apparently L’Manburg doesn’t have an established role for an opposition, yikes. That’s actually a MAJOR oversight in the system but I’m not gonna go into that too much.

5: frankly as an anarchist I am just deeply cynical towards representative democracy, and just because you have a token appearance of choice and consent doesn’t mean that it isn’t a hierarchical and authoritarian system. And to be fair, from my point of view this applies even to so-called liberal democracies and progressive parties. Full disclosure: even if L'Manburg was the ideal example of a representative democracy (which it very much isn’t) I would still be opposed to it because I fundamentally do not believe in top down systems, even electoral ones.

6: despite all these flaws, all the characters seem to implicitly accept the electoral system as legitimate. There’s criticism against the actions of individual characters acting within the system, such as Quackity calling out Wilbur for trying to rig the election, but nobody is questioning the system itself.

So at this point I’m sitting there, watching all this go down, and thinking “man, this would be so much more bearable if there was an anarchist point of view being represented in the story.”

And hey, look who IMMEDIATELY SHOWS UP.

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, early installation Technoblade is not the best representation of anarchism. I was mostly rooting for him out of sheer contrarianism initially. I didn’t really even care if it would be another Killmonger/Magneto/Zaheer situation because I’m used to reading against the authorial intent when it comes to these things. Sometimes any representation is better than no representation, even with political ideologies. That’s not to say that him just straight up spouting this hobbesian notion of a “dog-eat-dog world” didn’t grate on me, obviously it did.

That kind of worldview of humanity needing authority in order to prevent chaos and conflict is literally antithetical to anarchism and is the favourite talking point of authoritarians, the least anarchist people there are. It’s literally what people use to argue AGAINST anarchism. I think it’s mostly because cc!Techno obviously wasn’t particularly educated on anarchist thought and was just basically having fun roleplaying with his friends at this point. Which is frustrating but fair enough I guess.

Cynical ideas about human nature are pretty deeply rooted in the mainstream, unfortunately, most people just consider it common sense. And like I said, it’s a huge talking point in the propaganda against anarchism.

(… even though in fact these arguments were originally used against proponents of representative democracy. Hobbes himself was very much a monarchist, the idea of letting normal people vote for their representatives would have been terrifying to him. Like surely the world would descent into a free-for-all war, all against all. Imagine letting commoners have OPINIONS, the horror.)

So yeah, that stuff was pretty ehhhhh. It was basically what I’d expected though: cc!Techno isn’t an anarchist and we just don’t get accurate representation from non-anarchists, ever. What I dared to hope was that Techno’s character would at least stay consistent about his opposition to ALL governments. I was pretty sure that he would, even though it seemed like the majority of the fandom at the time was convinced that he would switch over to Schlatt’s side or something. It would have been a really shitty twist, I would have ragequit immediately. I mean what would have been the entire point of his character then? He might as well have been a random mercenary. Why even have his character be an anarchist if you were just going to make him work for a government?

(ftr this is kinda my biggest problem with the Hypixel Skyblock revolution event lol, honestly I think that was a worse depiction of anarchism than early DSMP Technoblade. I mean the speech was good, but… still became a government official, tho. booooooooo, cringe)

And yes, I was rooting against L'Manburg, obviously, and I would have even if it had meant having to deal with another badly written anarchist villain character. I never understood why people saw L'Manburg as the good guys, they were nationalist and exclusionary and their whole existence was based on trying to scam people for money.

I mean they were definitely funny, they were great entertainers. I have no problems with people rooting for them because they’re fun to watch; I did that for a bit too. But people were starting to get really into the story and talk about Wilbur and Tommy, the corrupt politicians, and the country that literally excluded people based on nationality as the heroes, unironically, which was wild to me. And when Wilbur started his “villain arc” well: people called it a villain arc, as if he hadn’t been pretty much a bad guy from the beginning, constantly just out for money and power and taking advantage of the people around him and then pretending to be the victim when challenged. I mean yes he got worse, but I wouldn’t call it a villain arc, more like just a mental breakdown arc.

More importantly, to me L'Manburg represented so many things I hate about the status quo in real life, and seeing the fandom mostly unquestioningly accept it as good just pissed me off. Still pisses me off tbh. I mean, to be diplomatic I could say that I understand the emotional attachment and the way L'Manburg was built up mirrors a lot of how real nations are built and how they create a sense of patriotism out of symbols and a sense of honour and loyalty, and it’s actually really fascinating how it even works in a Minecraft roleplay. Says something about the human mind I guess. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.

Anyway, I just wanted to see literally any kind of opposition to power, even if it had to come from a character that was unquestionably a villain, which I fully assumed Techno would be. Because political narratives so often just leave us out, or at best barely mention us. And even from a narrative point of view, adding an anarchist perspective to a political story just objectively broadens its scope and actually challenges people who are used to only arguing along the lines of conservative or liberal, welfare state or privatization, nationalism or multiculturalism, etc. Even if the original work dealt with it poorly, at least it would give me the excuse to rant about it on Tumblr, which is kinda why I revived my old Minecraft sideblog for this. (That and pig!Techno fanart.)

Also how can you have a story so fundamentally about power without its counterpoint: the rejection of power?

(Yes, Dream SMP as a whole is definitely a narrative about power, it’s a huge theme for Wilbur, Quackity, Dream, Eret and the Badlanders at least, as well as obviously the anarchist characters from the opposite direction.)

So yeah, the build up to November 16th for me was mainly about the anticipation for what Techno would do, how would Techno’s character respond to the seemingly inevitable formation of a new government. THAT was the point of interest for me, that was what I was the most invested in. Would we get an actual anarchist opposition as a new side to the conflict or would they just awkwardly drop that whole angle? Or even have him team up with Schlatt like a complete sellout? There was so much potential but I worried they might just waste it.

And I was right to worry since apparently in the original script Techno wasn’t supposed to do anything, he was just there to help fight Schlatt and witness the explosion along with everyone else.

And WOW that would have been so incredibly boring

Not even just from the political perspective, just talking about the narrative in general terms here: imagine November 16th without Techno’s plot points. Not only would it have been boring for Techno’s character but it would have been equally boring for basically everybody but Wilbur and Philza. An anticlimactic fight followed by a big explosion that pretty much everybody had seen coming already. Yes, the button room scene is dramatic and heartbreaking… for Wilbur and Phil. But nobody else was there to see it. For everybody else, it was just a big explosion. It would have been such a huge disservice to anyone watching the other POVs.

Techno’s intervention gave everyone an ACTUAL climactic fight, it allowed characters other than Wil and Phil to witness some actual drama happening and to participate in it, rather than just waiting around for the explosion, while also foreshadowing the explosion. Even better, it provoked SO MUCH discussion in the fandom AND gave a perfect hook for future conflicts to arise. Wilbur’s end was tragic but it was, at the time, final. L'Manburg would have still suffered a catastrophe but it would have been left with just the same exact antagonist as before: Dream.

And at this point Dream’s core goals had barely changed, just his approach was now different. Yes, that makes a difference for the plot, but it doesn’t really change much in terms of ideological conflict. Especially since there really isn’t that big of an ideological difference between Dream and Tommy, because arguably neither of them are particularly big on ideology in the first place, they just have conflicting goals and use different tactics to achieve those goals (well, the tactics aren’t always even that different *cough Spirit cough*).

Techno’s conflict with Tubbo and especially Quackity (and honestly most of the other characters in general) brings in so much more depth to the story, just by introducing another angle, not to even mention how much it brings to focus questions about power and violence. These are themes that exist in other characters’s storylines too but nowhere in the same way or as central as with Techno.

I’m getting kind of ahead of myself here, though.

The real twist of November 16th was the fact that Techno WASN’T a straight up villain, actually. It was a twist to me anyway, because with all my cynicism I just didn’t see it coming, I didn’t expect him to actually start making reasonable criticisms. I didn’t expect him to drop the hobbesian arguments entirely and start making points that actually sounded like anarchism.

I have to assume that cc!Techno must have seen some of the criticisms of his character and been inspired to adjust because the difference is pretty notable.

(Sidenote: I’m just forever kinda sad that Techno’s “I may seem like the villain here” monologue was cut from the video and most people never heard it.)

And I felt SO validated by the way, because it works so well in the story! Everyone is mostly content with the restoration of a status quo of some sort, Schlatt is gone, this is supposed to be the good ending, and then Techno calls them all out and turns the narrative around completely: This was just a coup d'état. This was just the previous political leadership retaking power by force. Why is everyone celebrating the same exact system that lead to Schlatt’s authoritarian rule in the first place?

What he does there is force the audience to question the narrative they’ve been presented so far, that they’ve accepted without a thought. It might not convince them, but they can’t just ignore it either.

Whatever you wanna say about the discourse around Techno on that day, in the ideological narrative THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART. Not who betrayed who or when is political violence justified, that’s about personal relationships and morality and it’s mostly all more relevant to the aftermath than the event itself. In my opinion, the REAL point in the moment is that the characters and the audience were comfortable with the ending only to be presented with a completely new perspective on the events.

It also recontextualises the finale, including Wilbur’s actions! It’s a much more ambiguous end to the Pogtopia vs Manburg arc and to Wilbur’s original run as the head writer. Wilbur’s “even with Tubbo in charge I don’t think [that ‘special place’] can exist again” is vague enough to be dismissed as just part of his paranoia and internal conflict, but with Techno, there’s a concrete question: what if Tubbo, given the same powers as Schlatt, will turn out to be just a new Schlatt? And suddenly you have to wonder what Wilbur meant by his words too. And was all this foreshadowing something about L’Manburg’s future?

Okay I’ve only made it to November 16th and there’s so much more DSMP to talk about but the post is getting too long and I’m starting to lose my energy. Will I ever make a part two? No idea. But I’ll try.

Standard disclaimer: I’m not the spokesperson of anarchism, other anarchists might disagree with my reading

[curlynerd]

What He Wants

Happy gift posting day for @starrynightdeancas gift exchange! My gift recipient is @bipridedean! She requested a Destiel, canon-adjacent fic, so here it is! I hope you like it! <3

Word Count: 2.6K Rating: G Summary: 5 times Dean said "I do" and 1 time he didn’t. Notes: Post canon, fix-it fic, oneshot, love confessions, Destiel wedding

Also read it on AO3!

1.

The first time it happens Sam is the only one to hear it. They’re alone in the bunker, surrounded by months and months of tireless research. But finally, finally, Dean thinks they’ve discovered how to get into the Empty.

Dean wants to push through the night and get a portal up and running as soon as possible. Sam insists they both go to bed, pleading with Dean that he won’t be able to concentrate on the spellwork to maintain it without at least a few hours of sleep.

Dean spends most of the night staring at the ceiling, thoughts racing through his head at a hundred miles an hour. This time tomorrow, he could have Cas back. This time tomorrow he can--Dean is almost afraid to think it, afraid that giving form to what he wants will somehow curse it and stop it from ever coming true. After all, the thing he wanted most before this was for Cas to love him back, and that didn’t exactly end rosy.

Still, as Dean finally closes his eyes, he allows himself a small, private wish. He hopes this will be the last time he falls asleep alone.

The next morning, they’re both expecting some sort of bump in the road, some rare ingredient or some missing incantation that will set them back even longer, keep Dean from seeing Cas again for God knows how long. But fortune is on their side, and Sam executes the spell flawlessly.

Dean is armed to the teeth with every weapon and protection spell they could collect on short notice. His plan for finding Cas and dragging him back home sits clearly at the front of his mind. His heart pounds in his ears, fast but steady and strong.

“You know, if this doesn’t work, you could get stuck there. I might not be able to open a new portal.” Sam looks at the pulsating mass of black that serves as the portal to the Empty. Worry is etched deeply into his forehead. “Do you really want to do this?”

Dean thinks of Cas’ face, the way he had smiled as he said he loved him. He thinks of how he was so close to having the one thing he really wanted. How Cas had wanted the same.

There’s no peace in loneliness.

Dean tightens his grip on his angel blade, his jaw set, his eyes determined. He’s ready to get his angel back. “Yeah. I do.”

2.

The second time it happens, it takes Cas by surprise. It’s been a week since Dean heroically pulled the love of his life from the Empty...and also since Dean lost all remaining courage. He choked. His unspoken response to Cas’ confession is a taut tension wire between them, keeping them inches apart, words suffocating in their tightly sealed mouths, both terrified to say anything and risk breaking something that can’t be mended.

Dean hates himself for it. It’s cowardice is what it is. It’s a lifetime of desperately fighting against the things that make him vulnerable. Against wanting things. Against believing anyone could love him. Even with Cas’ confession still crystal clear in his memories, Dean doubts.

He is deep into those self-deprecating thoughts when he finds Cas in the garage, struggling to figure out how to change a flat tire on his truck from a Youtube video.

“Cas? What’re you doing?”

Cas startles and immediately hunches his shoulders in guilt. He wasn’t expecting to be caught. “Dean.” He looks down at the lug wrench in his hand, and Dean can see the wheels spinning in his head, trying to concoct a cover story before he shrugs and gives up the truth. “I was trying to fix the truck.”

“You need to go somewhere? Cuz I can just drive you.” Dean’s heart pounds, his mouth going dry. Cas wouldn’t need to sneak around for a little errand.

Cas shakes his head and confirms Dean’s fears. “I wanted to have it ready. In case I needed to leave.”

“Leave?” Dean repeats, and his blood goes cold.

Cas deflates a little, resigned and sad. “I assume I’ll need to soon.”

“You can’t leave!” ‘Tell him!’ screams in Dean’s mind, but he can’t. He can’t. What if he’s wrong? What if Cas doesn’t love him like that? What if Cas doesn’t love him at all anymore? What if Dean screwed it up by staying silent and Cas realized he deserves to be with someone who can provide a simple answer to “I love you?” What if--

“I don’t want to,” Cas says softly. The pain is evident in his eyes as they flicker to his truck, like he expects to need to book it out of here at any moment. “But I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here after--” He cuts himself off and shakes his head. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome,” he amends.

“Cas, this is your home, same as me and Sam.” Cas doesn’t look so convinced. “C’mon man, you really think we don’t want you around?” Dean leans against the side of Cas’ truck to ground himself. “Cas, I want you here.” ‘I want more than that,’ he thinks, and it would be so easy to say what he really needs to say, but he can’t. He fights viciously with his own self-esteem, ripping at it, begging it to let him say more. “Please don’t leave,” he says, small and helpless, and it’s like moving a mountain to say that much.

Cas’ expression softens into longing. His hand clenches at his side, like he’s fighting the urge to reach out to Dean, but he smiles a soft, incredulous smile. “I can stay? You really mean it?”

Dean swallows thickly. A hundred words crowd his throat, fighting to get out, but his own fears win this round and keep them down. Instead all he can manage is a choked, “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

3.

The third time it happens, it takes them both by surprise. They’d gone on a hunt, just the two of them while Sam was visiting Eileen, and everything had gone sideways. What they thought was just a troublemaking demon turned out to be an extremely powerful witch, one with more than enough experience in Enochian magic to put Cas in serious danger. And of course Cas was reckless in his desire to protect Dean, and only managed to avoid getting killed by quick thinking and, to be honest, a helluva lot of luck.

The fight left Cas injured, and Dean pissed. “What the hell were you thinking!” he scolds at the end of a cold, silent drive back to the bunker.

“I did what I needed,” Cas shoots back with a steely glare.

“No, you didn’t need to go rushing in like that!” Dean’s worry leeches out as anger, the fear of losing Cas yet again clouding his reasoning that Dean himself would have died without Cas’ quick action. “You could have gotten a lot more hurt!”

“Why does it even matter to you?” Cas yells back, and it’s the note of hysterical bitterness darkening his words that makes Dean snap and say what he’s been hiding for far too long.

“Because I love you, you stubborn ass!”

The words freeze in the air between them, sharp and strong, wedging themself right where Dean’s anger was just a moment ago.

“You...love me?” Cas asks, his voice small, his eyes big.

And like that, Dean’s fears seem so foolish. Cas loves him. Cas died because just admitting he loves him was the happiest moment of his life. Cas has already done the hardest, scariest part for him. Dean doesn’t even have to fear Cas not feeling the same.

Silently, Dean takes a single step forward. Cas is frozen on the spot, staring at him like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He takes another step, and another, until he’s close enough to reach out and tug Cas into an embrace.

“Of course,” Dean breathes. He holds Cas close, tucking his chin over his shoulder and squeezing tight, like he never wants to let go. He doesn’t ever want to let go. Cas is slower to react, but when his arms finally wind around Dean, he breathes out a soft, sobbing gasp and clings to Dean. Dean turns his head to bury his nose in Cas’ hair. “Of course I do.”

4.

The fourth time it happens, Cas doesn’t even hear it. Cas found out about a nearby crafts fair, and all it took was one particularly soulful look from those big blue eyes of his, and Dean was driving them a full hour and a half away to look at homemade pottery and local honey and overpriced tacky mesh wreaths and pretending that the entire atmosphere of the place wasn’t giving him hives.

Cas is having a blast. Dean is carrying bags and lurking in the shadiest spots he can find away from the summer heat while Cas browses. Cas is having an animated conversation about beekeeping with a honey merchant when Dean ducks into a large tent filled with the kind of flowy, bedazzled, polyester shirts he thinks of as “PTA Chic” because they also happen to have a large fan blowing.

“Lookin’ for something in particular, sugar?” The tent owner saunters over to Dean, her Southern accent thick and her top scandalously low. She’s stunningly pretty, and Dean’s eyes and smile light up out of a lifetime of habit. She responds in kind, dragging her eyes down, then back up Dean’s body. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were lookin’ for more than clothes.”

Dean chuckles and flashes her his best charming, but chagrined smile. He feels a little guilty for leading her on, and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. “Oh sweetheart, if I were single, I’d gladly take you up on that offer, but I’ve already got my special someone.” Dean nods to the honey booth next door.

Her eyes trail over to where Dean gestured, and for a split second her brow furrows in confusion before she laughs just a little, more incredulous than cruel. “You really want someone like that over me?”

Dean looks over at Cas. And, yeah, Dean gets the question. He’s a grown-ass man wearing cargo shorts, carrying a canvas bag with the most obnoxious sunglasses-wearing beach ball Dean has ever seen, and his hair looks like it's been electrocuted. Dean grins, feeling a rush of fondness for his dorky, criminally unfashionable angel.

“Yeah,” he says softly, without an ounce of hesitation. There’s no one else in the world for him but Cas. “Yeah, I do.”

5.

The fifth time Dean says it, Cas is the only other person around for miles. He drags Cas out of bed bright and early one Saturday, forcing him into the car before he’s even fully finished his coffee. Cas allows it, only because he can tell Dean is positively vibrating with nervous energy. Dean brushes off all of his prying questions during the long drive until they finally arrive at a small, peaceful meadow in the middle of nowhere.

He’s packed a lunch, because ostensibly this outing is meant to be a picnic, even though Cas is suspicious on that fact alone. Dean never picnics. It doesn’t really matter though, because Dean is too nervous to even consider eating.

“So why are we really here?” Cas asks after a few minutes of nibbling at his chips. Dean’s sandwich lays untouched on the blanket.

Dean steels his nerve and takes a deep breath. “Do you know where this is?” he asks, fighting the jittery bouncing of his heartbeat to keep his voice steady.

Cas nods. “This is where I returned when Jack resurrected me.” He looks around, smiling down at the flowers surrounding the two of them. The windmill behind him creaks softly in the wind.

“And where I spread your ashes.” Dean’s fidgeting fingers find a frayed edge on the blanket, and he starts picking at it.

Cas nods again and remains silent, patiently waiting for Dean to find the rest of his words.

“And it’s…” Dean pulls a thread out of the blanket and lets it fly away in the wind. “This is where I realized I love you. I’m an idiot who didn’t even realize how much I loved you until after you were gone.”

Cas leans forward and rests his hand on Dean’s knee, warm and reassuring. Dean continues, “At the time I’d thought, ‘I can’t do this. I don’t want to live without him.’ Which was stupid because you were already dead. It didn’t matter what I wanted.”

Cas squeezes his knee. His eyes are gentle. “We’re both okay now.”

Dean’s heart warms. “Yeah. We are. But you know I...That feeling’s never gone away. You and me? I want us to be forever.” Dean reaches into his pocket. There’s no small velvet box, no shimmering diamonds, just a thick band of practical silver he found at a pawn shop. He looks down at the ring with a tender smile. “Man, never in a million years did I think I’d ever be doing this,” he marvels, and when he looks up, Cas’ eyes are wide with surprise.

“Dean?” His normally steady voice wavers.

Dean reaches for Cas’ face, his thumb gently stroking across his cheek. He holds up the ring. “What do you say, Cas? Wanna go legit about this?”

Cas’ expression is impossibly soft, eyes overflowing with love and devotion. He swallows thickly around a lump in his throat and takes the ring from Dean. He slides it onto his finger and stares at it like it’s his own personal miracle.

“You’re serious, Dean? You really want to get married?”

Dean smiles as he leans in close. Just before he kisses his new fiance, he whispers, “Of course I do.”

6.

The sun is setting, casting long shadows down the sand. The shifting winds coming from the sea carry a chill, making the little crowd gathered around them draw their jackets close and huddle together, but the smiles on their faces are nothing but warm. There’s no altar. No stage. No decorations. Just Cas and Dean, standing in front of the ocean, wearing their favorite flannels and jeans, two bright yellow black-eyed susans pinned to their shirts--stolen right out of someone’s garden on their way to the beach.

They didn’t even bother trying to put out chairs for the ceremony, not knowing how many of their friends and family would be able to make the long drive to see Dean get hitched to his angel, but in the end it’s a good thing, because damn near everyone came, and they need to crowd in close to hear them over the wind.

It’s completely and utterly perfect.

Dean grins, unable to take his eyes off Cas while Donna, the only member of his overly-emotional family he trusts not to bawl her eyes out through the ceremony, finishes the last of their vows.

“Do you, Castiel, take Dean Winchester to be your, well, not so lawfully wedded husband?”

There’s a twitter of laughter from the crowd. Cas smiles a sweet, crooked smile and squeezes Dean’s hand. “I do.” His voice is soft, meant for Dean’s ears only, because Dean is the only one his promise matters to.

“And do you, Dean Winchester, FBI’s Most Wanted, thrice dead criminal, and the terribly generous gentleman who will surely be covering our drinks on this celebratory evening, take Castiel to be your husband?”

Dean looks at Cas. Even in the dim light of the setting sun, his eyes are impossibly blue. His smile is so warm Dean knows he’ll never feel cold again, so long as he can see it every day. Dean beams back and proclaims loud enough for everyone on the beach to hear, “Oh hell yes!”

[sunnymimis]

A reference for my second JJK OC, Tatsuya! LOTS of information about him below (manga spoilers though so be careful)! 

Basic information:

Name: Tatsuya Suzuki

Grade: Special grade sorcerer

Cursed Technique: High-Speed, Deceleration

Techniques: Black Flash, All or Nothing, Revealing One's Hand

Hobbies/Special Skills: Reading

Favorite Food: His mother's cooking, sweet bread

Disliked Food: Meat and offal (his father's favorite)

Cause of Stress: Zenin family

Jujutsu Sense: 10/10

Classroom Learning: 4/10

Reflexes: 10/10

Additional notes:

He is 18 years old and a third year at Kyoto Jujutsu High until after the Kyoto exchange event, where he transfers to Tokyo Jujutsu High since he moved to Tokyo with Momoka.

He is the son of Toji Fushiguro and Momoka Suzuki, making him Megumi Fushiguro's older half-brother by two years.

Despises his father for causing so much trouble for his mother.

Underneath all of his anger towards him, there's a part of him that's deeply hurt by Toji leaving him and his mother at a young age for Megumi's mother.

Only reconciles his feelings about Toji after the Shibuya incident, where he encounters a reanimated Toji and fights him.

He's especially powerful since he has a grade 1 sorcerer for a mother instead of a civilian. He has his mother's surname instead of his father's. 

Toji was convinced the Zenin family would have taken him from Momoka or even killed her if they found out about him to get him into their custody.

As far as Momoka knew, however, he had her surname because of Toji's complicated past with the Zenin clan.

Momoka only found out about Toji's real reasoning a year after Gojo killed him. After this, she fled to Kyoto so she and Tatsuya could be far away from the Zenin clan.

He has Toji's physical prowess and his ability to possess zero cursed energy. Only Gojo and Mira Hontsu can sense his presence due to their innate techniques (but even then, it's difficult for them to predict his movements).

However, if he's unable to defeat his opponent in a certain amount of time since encountering them, his binding vow is broken and he can use his cursed energy he inherited from Momoka.

This vow is not broken often.

He is very close with Mira and regards her as a part of his family, usually referring to her as his aunt (baa-san). Only calls her by her given name when he's trying to prove a point.

Rarely uses honorifics with others except for people he respects, like Mira or Yaga.

Used to be in a relationship with his classmate, Noritoshi Kamo, but Noritoshi stopped it before it really started due to his duties to the Kamo clan.

Like with Momoka, using his high-speed technique renders him unable to see or hear since his senses are warped, so he's had to heighten his other senses to make up for it. 

This, combined with inheriting his father's already enhanced senses, makes him especially talented at finding curses without the need for residuals.

Prioritizes Momoka's happiness above all else. A true mama's boy.

He's taller than Gojo, standing at 196 cm (6'5").

Often bumps his head on doorways because of this.

He is regarded as quite scary to most people who don't know him and has an unfortunately terrifying resting face. Most of the time, he's simply daydreaming.

Barely passes his classes at school, especially if they're math-related.

He was a happy-go-lucky boy much like his mother until he encountered Geto at around the time the Night Parade of 100 Demons was set to occur. 

Geto had injured his mother due to her trying to get Toji's cursed spirit back from Geto, which made Tatsuya lose control and beat him up relentlessly.

In order to escape, Geto released 100 cursed spirits of varying grades in Tatsuya's direction to keep him away.

Tatsuya exorcised all of them, and this incident is where he got his scar on his cheek and likely the ones on his arms as well.

After the incident, he realized how much he enjoyed himself while fighting and became afraid of himself. He was unable to speak to anyone for a month afterwards.

Since then, he keeps a more deadpan expression and his emotions are more suppressed.

This story is also quite well-known in jujutsu society and is the reason why Tatsuya is designated as a special-grade sorcerer.

Hates it when people tell him he looks like his dad and prides himself on his resemblance to his mother. 

His bangs naturally fall like Toji's, but he styles them to look more like his mom instead ever since his encounter with Geto.

After the Shibuya incident, he has a scar covering his right eye. 

He has become blind in his right eye as well and typically keeps it closed when he's in battle or focusing.

Likes to tease people every now and then and can be quite playful with those around him despite his scary appearance.

He is paired with @novanoah​’s Rimini Binti Musa! The two dorks fall in love after the Shibuya incident, where Rimini helped Tatsuya recover from his injuries.

It was pretty much love at first sight with both of them since Tatsuya is TOTALLY the romantic type, and so is Rimini (even moreso in fact).

Tatsuya has a deep admiration for Rimini's strength and wants her to live her best life outside of her oppressive clan since he knows all too well what that can do to someone.

He tried to show her as many new places and activities as he could during the short time before she originally had to leave Japan. Of course, this only made them love each other more since they were basically going out on a bunch of dates but were too oblivious to realize it.

Rimini eventually ended up staying in Japan since she wanted to be with him. Cue Tatsuya losing his mind that he has a girlfriend now.

[the-untamed-obsession]

Despair | XueXiao x Reader

I know. But don’t worry, it’s just angst. Pure angst. I’m sorry if it seems like a little bit of a mess, it’s 4:30am and I’m really tired but I really needed/wanted to finish this. Happy reading💖

WARNING: mentions of severe depression and suicidal thoughts!

Word count: 1.8k

Summary: After their deaths, you’re expected to continue on living. But how can you? You’re so alone now, all alone with your thoughts of despair.

Your eyes scanned the road where many people walked, busy with their daily lives. You watched as couples passed by, then children, then adults, then people who were by themselves, and so on.

Your emotionless face didn’t change as a little girl ran towards you and stopped. She stared at you for a moment, but you looked away giving her no reaction. She took the hint and ran off, but she reminded you of her.

A-Qing.

You shook your head and kept looking ahead, your eyes following each person that passed by. But none of it brought you any solace. It only worsened the ache in your heart. How were you supposed to continue like this? How were you supposed to stay strong? How were you supposed to move through life like this?

You were miserable. The world was so bland and tasteless. The colors were gone, the life was gone, everything that made your day worth living every single day was gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, everything had been taken from you.

What could you have done? A lot, actually. There was a lot you could’ve done, but you were just too naive. Things had been great, things had been so perfect… then HE came along. He ruined everything, he took away your happy little family.

What could you do now? Mourn. But it wasn’t enough. Every day was harder to deal with. Every day seemed like a hassle. Everyday was just another miserable reason to join them.

Even now, a full year later, you would still imagine looking up to see them walking towards you. Every time you’d hear your voice, your hope would spike and you’d feel like you’d see them laughing at you. Laughing the way you used to.

But you knew that was all a delusion. There was nothing to fix the void in your heart. There was nothing that could take the pain away. There was nothing that could fix you.

Your eyes fell to the cup in front of you. Your fingers reached around it and picked it up; you saw the liquid swirl inside. It was tea, you’d lost your taste for alcohol a while ago.

Not that it mattered, anything you ate or drank tasted like sand. Whether it was a delicious meal or the best alcohol around. It was all the same to you.

Sweets were also something you avoided. Especially the one Xingchen bought you. You remembered the days where you woke up and found a piece of candy beside you. You’d remember the smile on Xue Yang’s face every time you gave him some. You’d remember the pout on A-Qing’s face when you’d tease her about eating too many.

All of those were just memories. Annoying little memories that never went away. How could you enjoy them, anyway? Everything that brought you joy, was taken away from you.

Your hand touched your chest as the tears pooled in your eyes. Why? Why Xingchen? Why A-Qing? Why… why Xue Yang? He had changed his life around, he’d promised he would bring him back… he never got the chance.

You smiled as you finally saw your home in the distance. It wasn’t the prettiest, but you loved it. You lived there with the people you considered your family.

Xiao Xingchen, Xue Yang, and A-Qing. All three of them meant so much to you. You weren’t even sure when you began to fall in love with Xingchen and Xue Yang, but you didn’t hate it. Neither did they.

Nothing really changed between you three. There was a day where you three sat down and talked about your relationship. It was pleasant to admit your true feelings.

From that day forward, you three had been in a relationship. A-Qing caught it rather quickly, claiming even though she was blind she could practically smell the romance.

She treated you 3 like her family as well. Everything had been so perfect.

You walked in and saw a crying Xue Yang with no Xingchen or A-Qing. You were concerned, terrified even.

“Wh-what happened?” You asked, grabbing his arm. He was a mess, a sobbing mess with a pouch in his hands. “Xue Yang… Xue Yang!”

“(Y-Y/n)...” he murmured, tears steaming down his face.

“Where are they?” You asked, taking his shoulders. “Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY?!” You knew. You just knew.

Xue Yang moved aside and you looked behind him and felt your heart shatter. It almost felt like your heart stopped. In fact, it would’ve been better if it did.

You saw Xingchen laying there, still as a statue. You saw the large slit on his throat and your hand flew to your mouth. Your knees buckled and you fell to the ground, but almost immediately shot up and ran to the man in white.

“XINGCHEN!!” The scream that tore from your lips broke Xue Yang further than he’d already done so himself.

You fell to the ground beside Xingchen and reached out with shaky hands.

“Xi-Xingchen! W-wake up… pl-please. D-don’t le-leave me! Say something! Say s-something Xingchen!”

Xue Yang watched in horror as the words Xingchen cried out, you were crying out now. Your hands were hitting Xingchen’s chest in an attempt to wake him, but it wasn’t possible.

“XIAO XINGCHEN!!! WAKE UP!!!”

You felt arms around you and tried to shove them off, but they were firm.

“I’ll bring him back! I swear!” Xue Yang cried out, wanting any way to soothe your pain. “I swear! I promise you, I’ll bring him back!!”

You had believed him, knowing that he truly meant it. Xue Yang- whatever he’d done- had regretted it and wanted to make it better. He kept you in the dark with most things, but you accepted it, now only having him. Not like it was much different. Unlike Xingchen, you never knew of Xue Yang, so you couldn’t earn him or protect him.

In one day, everything had changed. Your family had been torn apart and you were too terrified to lose the last person you cared so deeply for.

So you believed him and went along with it. You didn’t stay with him, but he visited you every single night. He brought you candy- none of which you ate- and he often brought you food.

One day, Xue Yang didn’t return. You felt immense fear immediately and went out searching for him. You’d heard word that someone- matching Xiao Xingchen‘s description- was seen near Yi city.

Back home?

It didn’t matter. You went back in search of both of them, hoping to find either Xingchen or Xue Yang.

You found Xue Yang.

Dead on the ground, missing one arm, but a piece of candy in the other. It had happened all over again. You’d lost whatever was left of your family.

“Xue Yang? H-hey… Xue Yang…” you said, falling beside him. “Th-this isn’t f-funny. St-stop! Your jokes aren’t funny! Wake up! Wake up right now!” Tears streamed down your face and you let out a pained scream, one that echoed all around you.

You pulled Xue Yang into your arms, unable to handle what had just happened. His blood stained your clothes but you didn’t care.

When did this happen? Who killed him? Where were they? Would you be able to catch them? What would you do when you did catch them? Would you kill them too?

So many questions bombarded your mind but you had no answers. All you could do was pull Xue Yang all the way back to where Xingchen was and put him in a coffin beside him.

A-Qing was still missing. No matter what, you’d find her. You’d find her and keep her safe.

You poor fool.

If only you’d known. Only a few weeks after, you’d found out that A-Qing had become a ghost who begged other cultivators to ward them off. She even searched for someone to help kill Xue Yang, the cause of it all.

Learning the truth didn’t help anything. You’d learned everything overtime, piecing together some of your own thoughts.

Song Lan had appeared one day, he fought Xue Yang who cut out his tongue and turned him into a fierce corpse. A-Qing had seen it all and told Xiao Xingchen, who told her to run and hide.

Xingchen confronted Xue Yang, who lost it and taunted Xingchen with the one thing he couldn’t handle. Killing his own best friend, one who he’d given his own eyes to. Xingchen had taken his own sword and ended his life. You’d come home the next day.

Useless. You were so useless! You did nothing to save anyone! You couldn’t save Xue Yang, you couldn’t save A-Qing! You could save Xingchen! What good were you?

For someone who claimed family was so important, you sure as hell let your own down.

Ever since then, you’d been wandering the world. You didn’t know what to do. Would you go looking for Song Lan and kill him for ruining everything? Would you kill Wei Ying for daring to come back to life when no one you cared about could? What could you do?

Nothing.

As usual, you weren’t able to do anything. All you were good for was crying and regretting every life choice.

What would they want? What would they want you to do? Xingchen would probably want you to move on or something. A-Qing would probably suggest marrying some rich clan leader or something. Xue Yang might suggest you get revenge.

But you were tired. You were so tired and your mind kept replaying scenarios where your life would've been different. You kept wishing and begging for the universe to give you another chance but it never did.

Every day you woke up realizing your mistakes. Your inability to help anyone, your inability to do anything. Your mind replayed one thing and one thing only:

“Useless (y/n)...” you murmured as you took a sip of the tasteless tea. A tear slid down your cheek and you watched it hit the table below. It was soon followed by dozens more.

Even now, you couldn’t let go. You couldn’t move on. What was the point anyway? They’d all still be dead.

One thing you often wondered about was joining them. You tried. You tried living on your own. You tried for a whole year to continue without them, but it was so hard. It was almost as difficult as bringing them back to life.

But before you ended your time on this miserable planet… you needed two things.

Xingchen’s sword, Shuanghua, and his spirit pouch.

You glared up at the bright blue sky that taunted you, vowing to get both of them from Song Lan. There was nothing else left in the world for you… but those two things… you so desperately needed them.

[adrinoir]

Who will be the next Hawk Moth?

Alright, well there’s a lot of different theories on who will be “the next Hawk Moth”. So I wanted to do a break down on some possibilities (warning: this analysis is REALLY long lol)

Lila

I feel like Lila is very likely to be the next one. She already has a leg up in working with Gabriel (despite not knowing he’s Hawk Moth).

Even though Hawk Moth hasn’t reached his goal of getting Ladybug and Cat Noir’s miraculouses, he’s made good progress. With Lila’s help, he’s gotten PRETTY damn close to getting them since she has that deep hatred of Ladybug. Without her, he wouldn’t have had his invasion of scarlet moths possessing Paris.

Additionally, Lila is pretty full of herself and does just about everything for her own benefit. She could easily grow a bigger hatred towards Ladybug and find out about the benefits of their miraculouses to have her own wish granted.

It’s really difficult to see her as a redeemable character since she has yet to show any redeemable qualities. But, hey, maybe there will be a plot twist where she’ll change her ways.

Chloe

As much as I’d LOVE to see Chloe develop into a better person since we see she is the way she is, I don’t have too much faith in Thomas Astruc’s writing.

Thomas initially started Chloe off as the annoying and conceited bully, then she started seeing the error of her ways, and finally...she was pulled back to square one.

It’s obvious that Chloe is pretty strong. She knows Hawk Moth is evil and has fought off an akuma even when she was super angry with Ladybug. However, Hawk Moth IS a rather powerful man and was able to akumatize Chloe on many occasions. She became his most successful akumatized victim as Miracle Queen. I feel like the fandom doesn’t talk enough about how Chloe managed to get almost ALL the miraculous holders to reveal their identities. (Don’t come for Hawk Moth in saying he hasn’t made a lot of progress - he HAS.)

The main issue with Chloe is that she can easily be manipulated into doing things for Hawk Moth because she has that disliking for Ladybug, deep down. She doesn’t want to hate Ladybug but obviously it’s been tough since she won’t let Chloe have her bee miraculous, and being Queen Bee is very important to her. Chloe wants to be powerful and heroic to feel good about herself since her mom doesn’t see her as something special (which is awful, I feel so bad for Chloe, honestly.)

Even though the likelihood is there, I really don’t want Chloe to become the next Hawk Moth. In season 4, it’d be nice to see some of her character development come back, and hopefully her and her mom build a stronger relationship now that Audrey has decided to stay in Paris with the family. Thomas Astruc needs to make Chloe better but KEEP it that way. She’s shown redeemable qualities and we know why she acts the way that she does. There’s a ridiculous amount of potential for her to be a wonderful, well-rounded character instead of just the evil bully Thomas makes her out to be.

Felix

So far, we’ve only seen Felix in one episode, but we already have a good idea of what he’s like. He’s very manipulative as a form of coping with his father’s death.

Felix already has a bit of a vendetta against Gabriel for keeping Emilie’s family heirlooms, and managed to steal them from Gabriel. He also wasn’t very nice to Adrien in pretending to be him and attempting to hurt his friendships. All of those things Felix did just prove he’d make a *good* villain.

My theory is that he’ll come back for at least one more episode, since he took the wedding rings that were very precious to Gabriel. However, it’s kind of strange to me that Felix hasn’t even been mentioned since his debut episode. So, we will see if this devilish boy makes a comeback.

Adrien

People have had this theory a while back, but it’s just incredibly unlikely at this point.

Adrien cares deeply about his mom and wants her back, of course. However, we see in Cat Blanc that he tried to cataclysm his own father for what he’s done. He was so hurt by his father’s motives, he triggered the end of the world.

There could potentially be an episode where Adrien hears his father out and tries the butterfly miraculous out for himself, but Bunnyx would come out of her burrow and shut that shit down.

OR, we know Gabriel is an awful father and he could somehow manipulate his own son to take his spot as Hawk Moth. (But again, Bunnyx could easily shut this down, too.)

Adrien loves being Cat Noir; he’s shown to be the Cat Noir in the future. He has an extremely good heart. So they’ve pretty much denied Adrien becoming the new Hawk Moth, at this point.

Luka

I think this is the most interesting idea I’ve seen on who the next Hawk Moth will be. (I recommend watching Cat Blanc x Princess Justice’s YouTube video analysis on this. It’s really good! I mention some of her points in here.)

Luka is almost too nice of a character. He cares a lot about other people and just sort of lets Marinette take advantage of his kindness, which is really sad, BUT there could easily be a motive we don’t know behind that, or he’s secretly bothered by it deep down.

There’s that theory that Luka knows Marinette is Ladybug. He could be trying to get closer to her to take the miraculous from her since he might know the power the ladybug and black cat miraculous hold.

Or, like I mentioned before, if Luka is bothered deep down by Marinette’s romantic feelings for Adrien, there could be something that happens that pushes him over the edge. We’ve even seen that Luka makes a terrifying villain as Silencer. He was super manipulative and had a lot of good tactics. Ladybug and Cat Noir DID in fact have a really hard time fighting him. Luka is also not the type of person to get angry like that, but Hawk Moth needs STRONG emotion to feed off of. So, considering how powerful of a villain Luka was, there’s clearly some anger boiling within him.

We also don’t have that much of a backstory to work off of. We’re slowly learning more, but think about it, for instance, we don’t know who his father is. Some people have theorized it’s Jagged Stone but we’re REALLY not sure. So, maybe it’s a motive of his to find his father.

Thomas Astruc made Luka a very likable character, enough so to get most of the fandom to actually like the Lukanette ship. Luka could have been made purposely likable so that the fandom won’t believe that he will be the next villain.

Another good point Cat Blanc x Princess Justice had made was that Miraculous World made a tweet that Miraculous will be introducing a new villain in season 4 - but it’s a character we already know. Lila and Felix are already known BUT they’re also already well-established villains....

Kagami

If Luka is a possibility, so is Kagami. Half the fandom thinks Kagami is great, the other half thinks she’s awful.

Kagami is shown to have a very strong personality (that sometimes comes off as a bit threatening). She’s very blunt about everything, very uptight, doesn’t beat around the bush. Those three characteristics are similar to Gabriel, HOWEVER Kagami has a caring soul and she really wants to be good to Adrien and Marinette.

So, it’s possible, but unlikely and definitely hard to pinpoint what intentions she could possibly have of becoming a villain. Maybe her mother pinches a certain nerve, or she can’t understand why Adrien doesn’t love her.

Additionally, Thomas Astruc doesn’t cut Adrien a lot of slack, let’s be real here. Adrien’s father is already Hawk Moth, he could switch it to his “girlfriend” being Hawk Moth.

Alya

So, I have a bit of an interesting theory on this since I haven’t really seen anyone else mention anything about Alya potentially becoming bad.

Despite Alya/Rena Rouge having a strong bond and trust with Ladybug, there’s that possibility she still wants to unveil who Ladybug really is - she still runs The Ladyblog, after all. And of course, unveiling Ladybug’s identity is extremely dangerous. She even posted the museum exhibit to her blog in Feast, which she didn’t realize was dangerous. It shows that she might slip and reveal something that she shouldn’t have.

Or, maybe Alya manages to lose Ladybug’s trust. Something monumental could happen. There’s already that bit of danger surrounding Ladybug and Rena Rouge since they’re such close friends in real life and know nearly everything about each other.

Hawk Moth also now knows that Alya is Rena, and could do something to push her to reveal something on The Ladyblog, therefore turning her into a villain.

Also, Alya already knows SO much of the Ladybug lore. She’s dedicated so much time to researching the lore behind the miraculouses. Also pretty dangerous and suspicious.

Nino

Like Alya, there’s a chance Nino also loses Ladybug and/or Cat Noir’s trust. When Nino first got his miraculous, he wasn’t very good at acting like a different person in his superhero persona. He could easily slip and reveal an something he isn’t supposed to.

He is the least likely possibility, but not completely impossible.

Tom or Sabine

I put these two in the same excerpt because they have about the same amount of likeliness to be the next Hawk Moth (or maybe one is Hawk Moth and the other is Mayura 👀)

Tom and Sabine are both super sweet, but also, we don’t know a whole lot about them. Since Gabriel - father of sweet cinnamon roll hero Cat Noir - is Hawk Moth, who’s to say superhero Ladybug’s own parents couldn’t become evil? It’d create a super interesting dynamic in the plot because it’s like how would Marinette react if one of her parents was Hawk Moth?

I have a stronger theory that Tom and Sabine used to be the old Ladybug and Cat Noir, but still. Don’t put it past Thomas Astruc to trick us somehow.

How would Gabriel fail (or lose his miraculous)?

One last thing I’d also like to analyze relating to this is this question.

Does Gabriel NOT end up ever getting Ladybug and Cat Noir’s miraculouses? Let’s look over some possibilities:

1) One of the villains he creates or senti-monsters Nathalie creates becomes too powerful and doesn’t give him the miraculouses once they’re captured.

2) He gives up and realizes all he needs is his dearest son Adrien.

3) He gets sickly and can’t fight anymore and passes on his miraculous for someone else to do the job.

4) Simplest answer: His miraculous is stolen.

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA FIC PROMPTS

A collection of all of the fic ideas from that ask game, as of now. I’ll throw in new ones if i get any and when I remember. Feel free to use any of them, I’d love a link if you did!

with hands to the sky, I beg (what will save us?)

Izuku is a god who asks to be reborn as a human to try and help. He is warned he can’t return to being a god and will join the mortal realm, ever reincarnated. He agrees.

Izuku is a child with faint memories of a life he never lived, who knows too much about the world but not enough about the people around him. He’s not listed as having a quirk but he’s never gotten sick, never been hurt. He scares the other children and the adults don’t like his precocious nature. Inko loves her little miracle.

 My Soul is Like a Supernova

Things happen around Izuku. Always have. Everything from earthquakes and villain attacks to miraculous healing and lottery wins. He’s always attracted big events like this - as if even the universe can see how important he is and it warps itself around him.

He sees this as perfectly normal. 1A is begining to notice a stressful pattern.

This one regret of mine

Character study of Inko and how she deeply regrets so many things she’s done in her life, from her husband, to giving up on her carrier, to telling Izuku he couldn’t be a hero and then letting him keep going to UA.

But no matter what she’d never regret her son.

Of souls and lost causes

A good ol’ Izuku sees dead people AU, focused more on his younger years when he’d wander around the city helping as many spirits as he could, only to return home at the end of the day exhausted and dirty to an increasingly worried mother who believed the doctor when he said seeing ghosts as a quirk would be impossible.

my life.your choice

Underground heroics AU (i dont think ive ever posted that au huh): Izuku is the well-known son of japan’s immortal emperor, All for One. Born quirkless, he’s been emotionally abused but violently protected his whole life by his father, his mother killed before his eyes for trying to take him away. He’s never been able to make a choice for himself save for his bodyguard - his childhood friend, Bakugo Katsuki.

Katsuki made a pledge to protect him when they were in kindergarten and he’ll be damned if he breaks it now. And if it takes the two of them joining the resistance, meeting a vigilante by the name of All Might thought long dead and Izuku receiving a near-mythical quirk? Well, that just makes it more exciting, doesn’t it?

I forgot that you existed

Izuku gets hit with a quirk that not only makes people forget him, it prevents them from seeing him as well - all but erasing him from reality for everyone he knows. He can still interact with things but all it manages to do is just UA shut down under fear of villain infiltration. They find Izuku 18 hours later when the quirk wears off - a motion tracking gun trained on his forehead.

certain uncertainties

No one can predict the quirks trapped in One for All or when they’ll show up. Anthology fic of Izuku discovering each of them, some being rather helpful, and at least one piece of merch being sent into a low orbit.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Set in the same universe I wrote console reset in; during the two heroes movie: they never defeat Nine and he slaughters the whole island and his class, leaving Izuku till last. He comes back at the start of their first day on the island and doggedly makes friends with every islander he can because while it hurt seeming them die, it hurt even more knowing he’d never even learnt most of their names.

They win this time the first time they meet him, even if it’s a marathon fight of 8 hours with him and Bakugo doggedly wearing him down. No one dies. Izuku thinks it’s worth dying as many times as he has to to keep the people he loves smiling.

The immortality of the heroic spirit

One of the quirks in One for All is determination: if you have something you desperately want to do, you can’t die - no matter how much blood you lose or home many pieces your body is crushed into - you’ll just heal back to where you were before you died. All Might and Aizawa find this out to horrifying effect during a brutal villain fight they are stuck watching on the news with the rest of a terrified UA.

In hindsight this makes a lot of sense to Izuku. Aizawa wants to scream. All Might has coughed up more blood than is probably healthy and all of 1A bruised hands from where they were clutching each other’s when it got too tense.

Shine on you invincible legacy

Izuku becomes a top 10 hero before hes even out of high school, hitting No.2 the second he graduates and taking No.1 from Hawks literally the next time the ranking is counted. 1A will not stop throwing him parties each time he moves up in the ranking, even if in 3rd year it was every other week. All Might comes to ever one of them.

Shake the Dirt from Your Shoes

Izuku will be a hero and no one will stop him - an AU a fair bit like the beginning of canon except Izuku fights back, remains unending optimistic and maybe engages in a light bit of technically legal vigilantism, accidentally befriending a vast array of heroes and a student or two.

To his horror, they recognise him out of costume as soon as he speaks to them, resulting in a very eventful first day at UA.

do you feel with a heart of steel

Original Sin AU, young Izuku finding feeling emotions difficult and not knowing why. He finds a dying animal on the way home and sits with it, patting it until it passes away. He doesn’t think he feels anything, but his cheeks feel wet.

all you want is milk and honey

Villains have been trying to use Izuku his entire life, much to his annoyance and confusion (I wonder who in his family might make him known to villains? hm). He’s gotten very good at being intimidating, even as a child.

When he gets kidnapped with Bakugo on a primary school field trip he decides to hell with it and breaks out all the stops. Turns out villains don’t tend to want a 10-year-old who can describe in great detail how they would hang you with your own intestines.

Bakugo decides that fuck Izuku being quirkless, he’s kind of amazing.

Even the stars

Izuku dies young and no one but the stars cry for him. They bring him back, but his body is cold and he has a nova burning where his heart should be. A four-year-old who has known death and walked among the stars is a terrifying thing. His skin has a shimmer to it, his eyes look like planets with no visible pupil, and he knows far too much.

The stars still speak to him, and they see everything.

bitter dreams and optimistic nightmares

Bakugo and Izuku grow up good friends, until Izuku is taken by villains age 9.

Bakugo’s determined to be a hero to save Izuku, even if it hurts to be at UA without him.

Izuku hates hurting people but he’s determined to make the most of his horrible situation by leaking information to heroes whenever he can. He’s given to All for One to serve as a lab hand to the doctor when All for One finds out this rag tag outpost of his had been hiding a valuable resource.

They meet at the USJ.

Mind Games for Two Shinsou and Izuku are both gen ed students in the same class, but with Shinsou stubbornly refusing to make friends and Izuku being the vice president they are almost strangers. UA has a no quirkless students policy and Shinsou has accidentally discovered that he student in his class with an analysis quirk, doesn’t, actually, have one. Izuku is aware Shinsou knows. They both want to get into the hero course but are under the impression there is only one spot.

It’s tense.

The Melody Stuck in My Soul

Izuku has an empathy/emotional control quirk that hears other’s emotions like music. He uses this both to read people, to defend himself, and, because hes Izuku, to ramp up his adrenaline/motivation/anger to kick ass. He and Bakugo are friends because baby Bakugo was lowkey impressed Izuku managed to weaponize his tears.

Advantage of the musical element: it gives him something concrete to latch on to and change, and it was very easy to work out which emotions were which. Also he has his own theme song, even if he’s the only one who can hear it.

Disadvantage: He cant turn it off. The stronger the emotion the ‘louder’ the music (it doesn’t cover up natural sounds because its not technically there, you get me?)

Error 404, childhood not found

A Hero’s Son AU, snapshot’s of Izuku’s childhood with No.1 Hero All for One as his abusive father.

Age 4 when his quirk never comes in and All for One abandons all pretences of loving him. Age 6 when he realises his son is intelligent and has a use as a lab assistant for the doctor. Age 8 when Bakugo first realises something is wrong. Age 9 when his father is almost killed by the No.1 villain All Might. Age 9 when he’s made to work in the labs with the doctor.

Age 14 when he meets All Might. Age 15 when he makes it into UA.

Darkness Growing (The Light Ever Smaller)

Villains take over Japan after the current arc, leaving all heroes and students that don’t switch sides on the run. 1A is instantly separated with a few of them  being killed, most of the living students with Aizawa and Izuku and Bakugo by themselves, both too stubborn to leave the other.

Aizawa is desperately trying to get to Izuku and Bakugo in an attempt to keep them safe, while the two of them are avoiding Aizawa to keep the rest of their class safe(er), all while avoiding the villains, turncoat heroes and police out to get them. Public support is spotty at best with anyone found ‘harboring a criminal’ given the same punishment as the hero.

Lost soul of last hope

The first wielder has been Izuku’s imaginary friend since he can remember. He’s not very imaginary.

Featuring Izuku with the world’s strangest older brother, Inko coming to the realisation her son can see a ghost, but only one ghost and no one will believe them, Izuku’s quirk being listed as Inko’s because the first wielder can help him fake it, and Izuku wondering why first looks so much like that picture of his father on his mother’s bedside table.

The kids the system failed

100% The 1A run aways au with 1A, Aizawa and Mic being runaways kids of various ages that band together to stay alive and maybe do a little vigilante work on the side.

Izuku has All for One and uses it like you’d expect a traumatised kid to - cautiously at first but when he gets the hang of it there are suddenly no more criminals with quirks in their area, and it looks suspiciously like Uraraka can fly.

Just a second to soon? For the Fic thing?

Aizawa struggles and gets knocked out just before Shigaraki lunges at Tsuyu. She and Izuku are left horribly injured by his quirk with massive facial scarring, and in Tsuyu’s case, the loss of an eye.

Daze

An illusion/fear quirk makes his teachers look like villains and convinces him he’s in danger. They try and stop him without hurting him but it’s difficult considering Izuku is convinced he’s protecting his friends, considering he can only see them broken and bloodied with villains he thought were locked away loaming over them.

Even as Aizawa cuts out his quirk Izuku still tries to shield his friends, snarling ferally.

Morning Glories and Forget-me-nots

A memory quirk of unknown duration hits Izuku, leaving him remembering none of his life. 1A starts to fall apart without one of their pillar’s.

hopeless but not broken

The Long Con au where Izuku asks All Might if he could be a hero without a quirk - he’s really asking if he can stop pretending to be a villain, if he’s worth anything without the quirks he’s been given, if he’s worth something as himself rather than the limited use he can provide. He doesn’t know how to say all of that, so he just asks if he could be a hero.

All Might says no. And Izuku basically decides right then that the only way he’ll ever be able to help people is by being a mole for the heroes like he’s been since he was 10 - that he isn’t worth anything because he’s quirkless and to be considered just as valuable as the people around him are he needs to give his life and more.

He shows up to the bar crying because of All Might and Shigaraki moves his murder plot forward a few months.

Sunflowers and Summer Gardens

All Might starts a garden on campus and 1A like to help. He uses it as a nice place to chill and as physical therapy. He likes to give the different classes bunches of flowers when they sprout.

For Dos and For Donts

Izuku runs into some of his old bullies when out with some of his friends. Uraraka, Iida, Todoroki, Shinsou and Asui intimidate the fuck out of them, and Izuku realises hes not scared of them any more. Then they get frozen yoghurt!

your mistakes, my unbecoming

Aizawa assigns a project on quirk related issues, Izuku ends up with quirkless discrimination, Aizawa assumes his discomfort is just him being upset he doesn’t get to talk about quirks. He doesn’t realise his mistake until he finds Izuku dissociating on the roof.

one and one into the vast

Original Sin AU, All for One and Izuku seeing the vestiges together. One for All sees his brother for the first time and Izuku learns a lot about the voice in his head.

All for One has a mini-crisis about his not son learning he’s a horrific villain, especially considering he has the power to cast his soul out at any time, killing him at will. Izuku doesn’t kill him. He admits its probably not right of him to let AfO remain considering the things he’s done, but All for One is a part of him now and it would be like killing a friend.

All for One quietly decides to hold off on the villainy until all of 1A is dead, for Izuku’s sake.

between the stars of our souls

Izuku and All Might are old gods who keep getting reborn into human forms with their memories regained when they turn 4. Normally finding each other takes a while, and their last reincarnation they never found each other, so this time he resolves to make himself as easy to find as possible, all while saving as many people as he can.

Izuku, aged 4, memories fresh in his head, makes it his mission to get into contact with the man he knows is his father/mentor’s reincarnation. All Might’s agency was not expecting a 4 year old to repeatedly try breaking in to their office, and they especially weren’t expecting him to be so good at it.

you really should have thought this through

Different (and ill-advised) attempts at special moves or team up combo moves. Featuring:

Izuku managing to break Kirishima’s nose.

Uraraka sending Bakugo so high he broke the sound barrier coming back down to earth.

Kaminari and Shouto managing to electrify ice.

Izuku, Todoroki and Bakugo levelling a whole suburb (at least it was condemned???)

I'll Break Anything You Give Me

Different times Izuku desperately tried to repair his relationship with Izuku over the years and the one time Bakugo fully grasps how much he fucked up and reaches out his hand to try to fix it for the first time. Probably includes a lot of screaming, Bakugo learning how to say sorry, a field trip and them having a conversation on Aldera’s roof.

Sinking

One for All kind of possesses Izuku during a quiet night at the dorms. One for All, made of 8 people, 7 of which are dead and had their last experiences in life be rather painful and violent, breaks down, Izuku alone not enough to drown them out. They lash out at anyone who tries to touch them, their quirks tearing Izuku’s body apart.

All Might’s vestige reaches out a hand to Izuku to keep his mind from being torn apart as 1A set about both trying to protect Izuku and get Aizawa who was off campus on patrol.

Feat. Bakugo and All Might being the only people with any idea about what’s going on and getting more and more stressed each second that passes. Iida, Uraraka and Todoroki being good heroes and even better friends. Blood King deciding he’s never watching 1A for Aizawa again, and Aizawa deciding he’s never leaving 1A alone ever again.

A Long Way From Home

Shirakumo wakes up in Kurogiri’s body in Tartarus with only shadowed memories of his time as a villain. He’s scared and alone and he just wants to see his friends again, even if he’s scared they hate him because at least that’s something he knows.

Too Far Gone

The other side AU, it comes out Izuku is a villain with (knockoff) All for One and he has a showdown with Mirio. He and Izuku trained together under All Might and Mirio tries to plead with him but Izuku has to basically tell him to go to hell to not ruin his placet as crown prince of the underworld.

Of course, he’s not only doing this to save people, he’s also doing it with All Might’s blessing - taking over from All Might himself serving as a villain after he killed All for One to prevent a power vacuum.

Doesn’t mean that his friends in 1A know that.

Snowy hills and sunlit peaks

Probably an AU about All Might being a mountain spirit with a little shrine that Izuku is the only one who visits - Izuku gets in trouble and All Might manifests himself, saves him, and tells everyone to keep their hands off his human son.

Wilting

Izuku gets sick and he tries to hide it because he’s scared its something serious but he just gets worse and worse. His friends are the ones who eventually step in and comfort him.

I’d probably write two endings with one being a bad end and the other a good end.

My wish came true without me realising 

Izuku wakes up one morning, comes downstairs and just starts crying. Everyone panics and he reassures them they are happy tears and that he's just glad to be here. They all call him sappy and give him a hug. Later in the day he and Bakugo chat and Izuku reveals he never even expected to live this long, let alone become a hero. Bakugo grumbles that he’s too stubborn to die, and not to get too cocky. Izuku promises he wont.

[yaboylevi]

Hi! I love ur blog, especially ur Snk Metas and Ereri metas. What are your thoughts on the whole “Eren has always been like this” (always been evil or capable of great evils like genocide) that a lot of people seem to agree on? I’ve always had a hard time believing in that idea because we’ve been shown multiple times that Eren is capable of sympathy and empathy, so to say he’s ALWAYS been like this is wrong.

Hi! Thank you!!

Looking through my snk 121 tag I found that I have already received similar questions, so I’m gonna link one here if you want the short version of it. Even if it was something I wrote up right after the chapter was out, it’s not like my opinion has changed much... more like, my faith in Isayama writing a decent conclusion and explanation in regards to Eren has plummeted in the past year and a half.

But anyway, now we have some new information pertaining Eren, so I feel like I can add more on this moment and my take on it in light of such new perspective.

Let me preface this with: Eren hates what he’s doing, is despising every second, was scared of his future visions, often paralyzed, desperate to find a better solution than this, because he knows - let me repeat it - HE KNOWS this is horrifying. We had hints throughtout the story, but many have ignored them. For me, Eren going through grief and apologizing for something he hadn’t even done yet in chapters 131 was no shocker at all, but I guess some people may have actually been surprised, I don’t know. It was right there since the Marley arc and his breakdown over Sasha, but many have completely misinterpreted that scene, denying it was desperation that he was feeling, so it was nice to finally have confirmation. Kinda.

However, you know, Isayama doesn’t seem to have picked a side on his characterization of Eren. Or maybe there is still something that’s concealed, because everything we have seen, isn’t evething that has happened, and it doesn’t explain yet some things about Eren and, relevant to this post, why Eren has decided to give up and give in to his future self’s memories of destruction. I’m sorry, but Eren believing “there is no other way, other than killing the whole world’s population, because the future cannot be changed” due to some memories is not gonna cut it, especially because we haven’t seen him fight too hard against it. In my opinion, at least. Or maybe he did, but we haven’t been shown.

The most hopeful part of my heart wishes he is already trying to change things, in a very roundabout and secret way, but the tired and logical part is done hoping. After all, Eren is alternating between being hellbent on going through with rumbling the world, and being absolutely horrified by it. I’ve been getting whiplash every month for a couple of years now.

As for your actual question, and that line during the Paths Time Travel...

Let’s start from here, shall we? That whole conversation with Zeke in Paths was to Zeke what chapter 112 was to Mikasa and Armin, imo. Chapter 121, huh, same numbers...but anyways. I think I have already wrote it somewhere, but I believe Eren lied, and purposely hurt Zeke. To make him, and Mikasa and Armin, realize something and act accordingly, maybe against Eren himself.

In Mikasa’s case, the realization was gradual since then, because Eren’s lies kickstarted it immediately. In Armin’s case, I think we still haven’t seen the full potential of it, though it may come next chapter - and I mean the “You were influenced by Bertolt, an enemy” angle. I am surprised Armin hasn’t followed this reasoning in regards to Eren, who has three titans within him, none of them particularly allied with Paradis. We left Armin seeing Bertolt, who is, in turn, watching him. I wonder if a conversation won’t happen right off the bat in chapter 136.

Anyhow, Eren, in chapter 112, also very much hit Armin and Mikasa where it hurt them the most - which is the same thing he did to Zeke here, bringing up his hate for Grisha and how it was the only think really fuelling him, and went through all the effort of making him reconcile with Grisha. Mmm, sus. Am I the only one feeling it’s sus??? I really have to wonder if he doesn’t kind of want/need Zeke to stop him, just like I believe he did with Armin and Mikasa. After all, there was no need to antagonize them and make them have reasons to stop caring for him, if he didn’t want to be stopped.

So, if it wasn’t already clear, Eren is a big liar, and he’s good at it if you don’t know him (and Zeke, Armin, and Mikasa have proven they don’t know or understand him very well at times). His acting skills have been shown all the way back in the cabin scene when he was 8 years old and tricked those traffickers.

There is another layer to these lies that I’d like to touch upon, though.

The line you were inquiring about feels exactly like his “I am free” in chapter 112. He sounds so sure, but it is a freaking lie.

See how both Armin and Mikasa are confused by such a bold, out-of-the-blue statement, the same way Zeke asks Eren “Since birth?” because, like, what is that all even about?

Eren has been feeling trapped in his own future memories to the point that his freedom of choice even existing anymore has become a big question mark. There is no freedom in following the path you were shown.

Eren’s urge to save someone from “having their freedom solen” by “physically assaulting the perpetrators first” has never, ever meant that he was willing to or okay with sacrificing innocents. Quite the opposite, in fact. There have been whole arcs about that. About Eren freaking out over people dying for him, refusing to sacrifice friends for the bigger picture, grieving for or sympathizing with innocents losing their lives or having them destroyed by some bigger threat. That has not changed.

So the big question remains: Why?

With these outrageous and confident statements about himself, I don’t think Eren is merely lying to his interlocutor to change their perception of him. I think he is lying to himself as well in the meantime. It looks like it did the trick, or not - based on how you want to interpret it. He really has been dissociating hard during his rampage.

But it all depends on what Isayama's angle is with Eren. In 112 Eren seemed to believe his “I am free” statement because he had an instant reaction to Armin challenging it. At the same time, now that we also have chapter 130-131 to enrich our reading, there is no way Eren felt free into the choices he made after hearing Willy’s declaration of war. He saw a terrifying future, he hoped against hope that it would change, but felt powerless and gutted and desperate that all pointed to such a future being unchangeable. So I do wonder if maybe he didn’t end up lying to himself - subconsciously or not - that he is free... and that he is always been this way - a cold-blooded murderer who did it all for justice.

Zoom in on Eren forlornly watching himself as a kid show pure kindess to a girl who just went through the most traumatizing experience in her life.

For the matter, I don’t believe Eren “has always been this way”. I actually don’t believe he’s ever been that way. I don’t know why many(?) people just accept whatever Eren says at face value, ignoring all context surronding it.

As I posted very recently, it doesn’t make sense for Eren to go from one extreme to the other without a better excuse, or explanation, or a more believable writing of it...or a plot twist that I guess I will wait for for another 4 months:

Eren came to realize that outside the walls people are just...well, people. There are good ones everywhere, people who suffered just like him, people who deserve better, certainly don’t deserve to be caught up in the Rumbling, people who have lives, children, moms, loved ones. This is highlighted again in chapter 131, because maybe, when Eren brought it up in the basement with Falco and Reiner, people didn’t think he was being genuine. So Isayama shows us again that Eren truly believed that.

And yet, the chapter before, Eren put those very same people on the same level of Titans when he used to think Titans were scum, a nightmare sent to eat them alive, because he addressed them with “匹”, a derogatory counter when applied to people, because it is usually used for small animals.

The parallel to how he used to feel towards Titans is smacked in our faces, because in Japanese, it’s the same exact line. He now feels that way about people.

...What?

It doesn’t make sense, right?

Because really, the same way Eren’s first impulse in Marley was to save Ramzi when he was being beaten up (and threatened with a worse fate than some bruises), the same way Eren helped him regardless and again went against 3 full-grown men, it’s the same way Eren rushed to Mikasa’s rescue when he didn’t even know her... or the same way he pushed himself into a Titan’s mouth just to save Armin. it doesn’t come from a sentiment of “I need to punish these monsters because they are threatening me”. It comes from a natural, intrinsic need to help and save others. It is deeply saddening that at the end of this journey, with Ramzi, he just feels like this natural predisposition of his is just a fake and turns him into a hypocrite.

So for Eren to say he has always been that way while looking at his 8 years old self stabbing a human trafficker in the chest to save a little girl to try and explain why he’s killing innocent people who happens to be living alongside “the bad guys” is a false equivalence. Either it’s a lie Eren tells himself and to Zeke to make both of them believe this is what Eren is, and has always been, and there is nothing they could do to prevent it - in a sort of twisted liberation from guilt because “if I was always like this, then you and I both shouldn’t have expected anything different”...

...or it’s Isayama’s failed attempt at presenting a theoretical concept he liked and talked about in interviews, suddenly turning Eren into a poster boy for it and canceling previous sides of Eren’s complexity as a character. I would like to believe Isayama hasn’t lost his magic touch this badly, but every day I’m less sure of it.

My opinion, for what is worth, is that that line you quoted is something he said to trick Zeke into detaching himself from Eren and going against him - breaking the bonds of love all around him has been a very deliberate choice Eren has made post time-skip - and at the same time it’s something Eren is trying to believe himself, in a desperate attempt at explaining to his own conscience that he was destined to bring such destruction, that he was always capable of it, and that there is a sort of justice in it where there isn’t. And he knows, deep down. That’s why he dissociates in the end.

In a very twisted, self-deprecating way, Eren is a liar to everyone, himself included. He has become an unreliable narrator about himself. Eren has completely shut down because he cannot stand what he is doing.

And I would very much like to know why he gave up on trying to find a different solution, if that’s what it is that happened, and why he sounds like a different person every other scene he appears in, in the next 4 months.

[apoguecalledjj]

Fixation (Chapter 6)

Series summary: Eleanor is new to the outer banks, and the pogues are quick to take her in. But so are the kooks, and as she grows closer with Rafe, trouble emerges. Trying to balance her relationship with the pogues and the kooks, as well as dealing with her own personal problems, Eleanor falls into a hole she may not be able to dig herself out of.

Chapter Word Count: 3366

Chapter Warnings: mentions of addiction and drug use

Previous Parts: Ch. 1  Ch. 2  Ch. 3 Ch. 4 Ch. 5 Ch. 6

Taglist: @prejudic3 @maragritatimebaybee @drewxxrudy @outerbankslove @bricksatanakinswindow @alexa-playafricabytoto 

Rafe made it clear that he did not want Ellie hanging out with the pogues. When he woke up the day after their argument, he started another one, yelling at her once again. She only managed to calm him down by promising him that he would stay away from them. Even though Ellie was beginning to become scared of her boyfriend after their physical altercation, she still didn’t keep her promise. Living with a crazy, drug-addicted mom had taught her a lot about sneaking around and she was putting those skills to good use. Rafe was spending a lot of time with Topper and Kelce anyway, which made it easy. She had been hanging out with the pogues a lot. To be honest, she only went to Rafe’s every couple of nights to get high and have sex. He seemed content, now and then he would accuse her of avoiding him but once the cocaine got into him it was always forgotten about. Currently, Ellie was sat on the dock by the chateau. John B and Sarah sat across from her, Kiara and JJ on either side and Pope in the hammock a couple of feet away. It was a beautiful day, but for some reason, they had decided against swimming and instead had spent the morning sitting around, drinking beer and complaining about being bored. JJ had his arm draped loosely over Ellie’s shoulders. She had expected his friendliness to change once he found out she was dating Rafe, but he never faltered. She always brushed it off, because JJ flirts with everyone, but she couldn’t pretend that she didn’t notice the way he had stopped drifting away to tourists at parties or how John B and Pope constantly teased him and asked him if he was okay. According to them, he hadn’t gone this long without getting laid or even kissing a girl in over a year. Thinking that JJ might actually be seriously flirting with her made her stomach twist in a way she tried to ignore. Ellie knew Rafe wouldn’t be impressed with the way JJ was treating her, especially since she wasn’t meant to be hanging out with him at all. Yet, she never pushed him away or asked him to stop, because secretly, she enjoyed it. “Ellie, you never did mention what brought you to the outer banks,” Pope mentioned, looking at her from where he was in the hammock. “Is Travis your mom's brother or your dad's?” JJ could feel her tense underneath his arm, and he gently squeezed her shoulder. Besides her aunt and uncle, he was still the only person on the island to know her secret, she hadn’t even told Rafe. Not that Rafe cared enough to even ask. “uh,” She mumbled, looking down and picking at the skin around her fingernails. She hated hiding things from the pogues, they were so nice and open with her, and she did feel like they deserved to know. She trusted them. But it had always been hard for her to talk about, no matter who with. Not to mention it brought her mind right back to the fact that she was falling right into her mother’s footsteps. The scariest part was she didn’t care enough to change it. Ellie was already in too deep. JJ leaned over slightly, so his lips were near her ear. “Don’t feel like you have to tell them, El.,” He assured. “They’re not pushy. They’ll understand.” Ellie nodded, but she knew it was time to finally let them know. All of her new friends were looking at her, eyes filled with a mix of curiosity and sympathy. She continued to pick at her fingers, preparing herself to possibly change her friend's opinion of her. “It’s a bit hard for me to talk about,” She started. Her brain was flicking through memories like photographs. The day her little sister was born. Birthday parties. Vacations. Her mom, healthy and happy. First days of school. Then, as the timeline continued, less of her mom. More of Ellie taking care of her sister. Her mom stumbling home late with men Ellie didn’t trust around her sister. Needles left lying around that she was left to dispose of. Getting eviction warnings. Quitting sports to get a job. She didn’t even realize she was crying until JJ reached up and gently brushed a tear away. She sniffled, quickly wiping her eyes. There was no need for them to see her cry. “It’s okay, Ellie, you don’t have to tell us. We don’t mind.” Kiara spoke softly, smiling at her gently. She shook her head, continuing to speak. “My mom is a drug addict.” It felt like a weight was left off her chest, just letting that one piece of information out. She didn’t look up, had no intentions of locking eyes with any of the pogues. She could imagine well enough how they were looking at her. “She lost her job. It got worst and worst. I was terrified we would end up homeless. I had to give up all my after school activities, I got a job and worked as much as I could. I was selfish, I know I should have told someone or asked for help, but I was terrified of getting separated from my sister. I didn’t want to lose Sadie. She’s only 9.” Ellie choked up at the mention of her sister. JJ rubbed her back slowly, trying his best to soothe her even though he understood that probably wasn’t possible. “Eventually it got too much. My grades were dropping. I almost failed my junior year. Mom was spending more time at home instead of at other houses, and she brought men with her. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving Sadie in that house. I was scared something would happen to her. “I called DCS. I fucking called DCS on my own mother,” She sobbed out. This was the most she had ever told anyone. “They came to take my sister. They had contacted her dad, a man she didn’t even know, and he decided to fight for custody. It was short, because of the situation, and he won. She went with him. I went with uncle Travis, even though I begged to stay home. I needed to take care of my mom. She needed me.” JJ pulled Ellie even closer as her body shook with the sobs overcoming her. Sarah and John B were frozen in shock, John B had suspected something had happened for her to come here that she was uncomfortable talking about, but this wasn’t what he expected. Kiara grabbed her hand, squeezing it slightly. “They promised me I’d hear from my sister. That we would stay in contact. I haven’t heard from her yet. I don’t even know who her fucking father is, cause my mom was a goddamn slut and we had different dads. Surprised she only ended up with two kids.” The anger in her voice quickly shifted back to sadness. “I don’t even know what happened to my mom,” Ellie whimpered. “She might be dead.” “They wouldn’t let anything happen to her, El,” JJ reassured her as she sobbed into his chest. “She’s getting the help she needs.” “I just wish they’d let me know,” Ellie muttered. “Uncle Travis refuses to talk about her.” Kie wrapped her arms around Ellie. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve to go through that.” Sarah shifted over and joined the hug as well. “I’m sure you’ll hear from your sister soon.” Before long, Pope and John B had joined as well, and the six of them sat on the dock, huddled together in a group hug around Ellie, as her sobs slowly quieted and her body stopped shaking, comforted by her friends. --- Rafe had dragged Ellie to a party, but it wasn't on the beach like she was used to. Instead, she was at some random kook's house, music vibrating the wall and way too many unfamiliar faces. Pogues weren't welcome at these parties, Rafe told her. She wasn't stupid, she knew they stopped going to the Boneyard because her friends were there. He was dragging her here so she would be away from them. But his plan failed, because only an hour after they got there, there were shouts and whoops from the front door. The pogues were crashing the party, and Ellie had never been more glad to see some faces she knew. The party had been dull so far, and now there might be some excitement. Rafe’s eyes narrowed, glancing between his girlfriend next to him and the four pogues he noticed her staring at. It angered him, he could tell she longed to go talk to them. Her eyes were fixated on JJ specifically. God, Rafe hated that guy, hated the way Ellie seemed to be obsessed with him. That would have to be dealt with. JJ turned and finally noticed Ellie. “We should go say hi!” He said to John B, his eyes locked on the beautiful girl across the room. He didn’t notice it, but his smile grew wider. John B shook his head. “No man, are you crazy? She’s with Rafe.” JJ hadn’t noticed Rafe until John B pointed him out, standing right next to Ellie. She looked slightly uncomfortable, tense, and Rafe looked unhappy, angry even, his eyes slowly scanning the room. So JJ just waved at her instead, not being able to help himself. He saw her slight smile as she moved her hand to wave back, but Rafe grabbed her arm before she could lift it. JJ could tell he was holding Ellie too hard, he saw her wince at his grip. Rafe’s lips were moving angrily, but JJ was too far away to pick out what was being said. “John B he’s hurting her,” JJ said, turning to his best friend, but the brunet was nowhere to be seen. He glanced back at where Ellie was but the spot was now empty, the girl he cared so deeply about, and the boy who was hurting her gone. He glanced around, looking for any signs of her, but there were too many people at the party and whichever kook lived here had a huge house. Rafe’s hand grasped Ellie’s arm tightly. “Stop fucking staring at the pogues,” He sneered in her ear, quiet enough that no one could hear. “You’re here with me, alright? I don’t need my girl being seen with those fucking dirtbags.” He pulled back a bit, loosening his grip. Ellie stared at him with wide eyes, shocked that he would get so angry in public. “Come on now, baby,” He said, softer now. “Let’s go get the fun started.” He dragged her into a room just down the hallway, where multiple kooks she didn’t recognize were sat around a table covered in lines of white powder. Her body finally relaxed at the sight of the drug in front of her, she was eager to get across the room and lean down to the table. She tore away from Rafe, and before long, Ellie was bent over the table with the rest of them, a dollar bill rolled and assisting her in snorting the drug. She sighed happily, the feeling she missed and craved for finally coming back to her. All the conflict from Rafe was forgotten as he sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her, leaning down to do a line of his own. JJ quickly found his friends and a beer and tried his best to relax and enjoy himself, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Ellie had looked so upset, Rafe so angry, and he feared what the boy might do to her in a state of anger. “Guys I think we should go look for Ellie,” He mentioned to Pope and Kiara. John B and Sarah were off god knows where probably doing things no one wanted to think about. "JJ, she's with Rafe and you know how that'll end. I'm sure she's fine." Pope assured JJ. "I'm worried though, Rafe looked angry at her earlier. We don't have to talk to her, I just want to know where she is." He told the two. "Please," he added on after. "Okay fine," Kie gave in. "But just to find where she is. We are not talking to her. And don't make it obvious that we're looking for her, especially to Rafe." The three made their way around the party, squeezing around various kooks who did not seem too impressed by the pogues. They poked their head into room after room, praying that they wouldn't come across a couple having sex. Ella wasn't in the bathrooms, and she definitely wasn't still out at the party. Pope drifted down a hallway and stopped outside an open door. "Oh fuck," He muttered, leaning slightly against the wall. "Fuck. Fuck." "What? What is it?" JJ rushed over to where Pope was standing, Kiara not far behind. But Pope had no need to answer because the two could easily see what he had: Ellie sat around a table with half a dozen kooks, the surface in front of her scattered with cocaine. JJ prayed that Ellie was just there with Rafe, that she would know better than to get caught up in that, but all his prayers went out the window as he watched her grab the dollar bill from Rafe's hand and bend down. Kiara's breath hitched in her throat. "Oh, Ellie," She mumbled. We have to do something, guys." Pope said, moving towards the door. "No." JJ, of all people, held Pope back. "Look at how effortless she does it. The smile on her face. No one is pressuring her, I don't think this is her first time. If we rush in there telling her off, we just risk getting beat to shit by Rafe and his friends. We'll talk to her tomorrow after she works." Pope and Kiara nodded and turned, making their way back to the party. But JJ stayed just a minute longer, his heartbreaking as he watched Ellie fall in the steps of her mother. --- JJ didn’t wait until after work. The moment Ellie walked through the door, ready to clock into her shift, he jumped up. “Hey JJ!” She said excitedly, but her smile faltered when she noticed he didn’t match her energy. “Is something wrong?” “Yeah, somethings wrong,” JJ told her, sitting back down at the table with Pope, John B, and Sarah. Ellie scraped her brain, trying to figure out what this could be about. But she came up empty-handed, she couldn’t figure out what the pogues wanted to talk to her about. Kiara made her way out from behind the counter to the table they were sitting at. “Come on.” She motioned for Ellie to sit down with them. “Work can wait.” Kiara’s eyes looked stressed, and a quick glance at JJ and she could tell he hadn’t slept, dark bags under his eyes. Ellie pulled out a chair and sat down with them, fiddling nervously with her fingers under the table. She chewed at her lip until she tasted blood, her mind racing with possibilities of what was about to occur. “We saw you last night at the party,” Pope said softly. Ellie screwed up her face in confusion. She knew they had seen her, JJ had even waved. “After we got there,” Kiara added, sensing her confusion. “You were in a room.” Finally, everything fell together for Ellie. The pogues had seen her doing cocaine. They knew. Her breathing quickened, her hands beginning to shake slightly. They were never supposed to find out, and now here she was, five pairs of eyes staring at her with sadness, sympathy, and disappointment. She pushed back her chair harshly, standing up. “I don’t want to have this conversation.” John B, who had been sat on the left of her, grabbed her wrist softly. “Ellie, we want to help you.” He and Sarah had been filled in the night before, and even though they didn’t physically see it, they were just as shocked as the other three. “I don’t need your guys help.” Ellie took a step back. “It’s just cocaine.” “I know you’re smarter than that, Ellie. It’s not ‘just cocaine’. You have a history of addiction in your family. Do you really want to end up like your mom?” Pope asked, but that was the wrong thing to say. Ellie scoffed and turned on her heels, not wanting anything to do with the five people behind her right now. “I’m not my fucking mom.” She stormed across the room, letting the door slam on her way out. “Good job Pope!” JJ shouted before jumping up to go after her. Kiara went to get up too but JJ put out his hand, “No, stay there. I got this.” JJ found Ellie outside, leaned up against her uncle's truck. Tears were silently streaming down her face. Now that he knew about her usage, he was angry with himself for not knowing something was up sooner. Her nostrils were red and irritated, and she had lost weight in only the few weeks she had been here. Her hands were always shaking and her mood swings were quite severe, but JJ had always brushed that off as PMS. “El,” He mumbled quietly, reaching her side. “I’m not in the mood to be yelled at, JJ,” She muttered, shifting her body away from him. “I’m not gonna yell at you.” He grabbed her shoulder lightly and turned her so she was facing him. “I’m just worried about you, okay? I’m not mad.” Ellie nodded slowly, before breaking out into a sob. “I’m sorry, JJ,” She leaned her body into him, her face buried in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. “I fucked up, I know but Rafe is always doing it. I didn’t think it would hurt. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But now I can’t stop and JJ I’m so scared because I really don't want to end up like my mom and-” JJ cut her off. “Hey, El, shhh. It’s okay. We’re gonna help you, okay? You’re not gonna end up like your mom. You’re stronger than that, okay? It’s okay,” He gently kissed the top of her head, her sobbing getting quieter and her shaking slowing. “I’m sorry, JJ,” Ellie said, pulling back to look at him. her eyes were red and puffy, she looked so sad, and nothing could have broken his heart more. He hated to see her like this. “You’ve barely known me for three weeks and this is what you have to deal with. I don’t expect you to help, JJ.” “Of course I’m going to help you.” “Why?” Ellie couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to deal with her. “Because I’m falling in love with you, El. You make me feel things, things I’ve never felt before. I care about you, so, so fucking much and seeing you hurt like this is tearing my heart apart. Seeing you get better is the only thing I want to see.” Ellie smiled softly. “You really mean all that?” JJ nodded. “I do.” Neither of them knew who leaned in first, but their lips were pressed together. It felt right, this wasn’t how Ellie felt when she kissed Rafe, this was better. JJ’s arm wrapped around her waist lightly, his other hand gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. He bit her bottom lip softly and she opened her mouth, allowing his tongue to slip in. They could have stayed like that forever, Ellie’s hand tangled in JJ’s hair as she leaned up against the truck for support. But footsteps heading towards them quickly and they pulled apart, smiling at each other for just a second. But when Ellie turned to see who was coming, the smile fell quickly. Rafe was stood, just a couple feet away, a glare on his face, aimed more at JJ than Ellie. “Ellie, you want to explain to me what the fuck is going on?”

[linkspooky]

Oh! Top 5 Kimetsu no Yaiba characters?

I only have four characters I’d truly call faves from Kimetsu no Yaiba, but let’s go!

1. Doma - “Human emotions are nothing to me, like mere dreams…” 

Every time someone claims that Doma is the only demon without a tragic backstory I want to fight them. Apparently most people think that children who grow up in cults aren’t traumatized at all and grow into rational and well-adjusted adults. 

Doma is a character who shows no signs of empathy. However, he was a character who was never taught or shown any signs of empathy before. By the time he was an indpendenent adult he gave up on understanding it. Doma despises the cult, but it’s telling that he always stays there because it’s truly all he knows. He laughs at the people who come to the cult to distract themselves from the misfortunes of their life, but Doma too stays with the cult as a distraction for how empty and small his own life is. 

Doma really was too mature for a child, but also too immature as well. He was forced to grow up too fast because neither of his parents actively wanted to parent him. People act like he’s a born sociopath for being observant enough as a kid to notice that the all the adults who entered into his life were only there to use him. Kids are sharper than you expect, but also duller as well. Doma never realized that life was any different outside of his environment. He stayed in that childish mindset forever, and egocentric little kid who only saw himself first and foremost. That’s not the thinking of a sociopath, it’s the thinking of a child, children can’t imagine viewpoints other than their own because they haven’t developed empathy yet. 

There’s this assumption that people are either born good empathic people, or they’re not, but empathy is a quality that’s developed and learned. It was almost natural Doma became a demon by the end because not a single person in his life treated him as a human. Yet, despite reveling in being a monster Doma is still desperately searching for some meaning in his life too. He wants to have friends. He wants to feel the same way that other people. Even if it’s just a hollow imitation on his part, that was something in his lifetime but never got even up until the end. Doma’s this tragedy of empathy, because all he ever wanted was to feel the same way that everyone else did, to have the same connections they did, but because he was so isolated he only destroyed every small chance he did have at learning to empathize with another person. 

2. Shinobu -“Yes I’m angry, Tanjiro. I’ve always been angry.” 

I think Shinobu is interesting because she’s a bad person. I wish people would stop trying to paint her as a wholly good person who was loved by everyone around her. Shinobu’s character introduction is going out of her way to unnecessarily torture a demon for fun, and her attitude implies she has done this before. Torture is a universally bad thing, even if you’re doing it to a bad person. 

I’m not trying to moralize Shinobu. I think she’s much more interesting this way, as a fundamentally flawed person. A cracked vase that can never truly be full. Yes, Shinobu is loved by a lot of people, but she’s also fundamentally unable to receive that love. She’s stopped living a long time ago, part of her stopped when her aprents died, and she gave up when her sister died. If Kimetsu no Yaiba were a more morally complicated story, Shinobu existing for the sole purpose of revenge would not be treated as a good thing. It’s an empty way of living, and the only thing Shinobu can do to keep living is to cling to all of the ugly and negative emotions inside of her. 

The most interesting version of Shinobu is just rotten at her core, because she’s let the rot sink in and fester, because she doesn’t want to let go of her anger towards demons. It’s rare female characters are allowed to be filled with such ugly emotions, or allowed to express them in terrible ways. Shinobu plays games at being a healer, at being a person capable of nurturing like her older sister, but it’s just an empty imitation that falls flat. Shinobu at least in regards to herself doesn’t want to heal, she doesn’t want to get better, she wants to stay wounded forever so she can keep taking out her pain on the demons around her. 

I like to think that when she summoned up a hallucination of her sister in her final moments to encourage herself, that was entirely a fabrication on her part. Shinobu wanted to imagine her sister who once told her to just quit the Demon Corps and find a way to live and be happy was just as angry as she was. Shinobu’s delusion of Kanae is a sister that validates her and tells her that she has to be angry, that she has to stand up and fight again, that there’s strength in this. And that’s exactly it, Shinobu at her very core wants to be strong. She hates being powerless and weak. I think Shinobu is at her best when her anger isn’t righteous. She doesn’t want to protect others - she wants to feel strong. 

3. Iguro Obanai - “I want to defeat Muzan and die. I hope that will cleanse my corrupted blood. If we reincarnate as humans in a world without demons I will definitely tell you that I love you.” 

I like how Iguro is nasty, and unpleasant, and also mean to the main character for really petty reasons. Shinobu’s trauma is easier for a lot of people to swallow because she doesn’t show it, she just puts on a mask of being nice and people buy into that mask. Iguro even though he wears a physical mask over his mouth is less good at hiding his disfigurement. 

Iguro’s very traumatized and he acts that way. He’s anti-social. He’s withdrawn. He doesn’t get along well with others. He’s prone to violent outbursts. The scars left with Iguro are so deep they’re permanent. And I believe it’s because down to his core, Iguro believes himself to be a bad and selfish person for surviving while half of his family died, and thinking only of himself with his escape. 

It’s not really his cursed blood that Iguro wants to escape from, but rather his trauma. He can’t find a way to live with his truama or accept himself so he seeks some escape with it by suicidally charging into battle. And that’s another thing that speaks to the permanency of his scars. Iguro is deeply in love with one person, but he can’t admit, or accept that love because he views the current iteration of himself as so unlovable. 

He can neither give or receive love, and yet there’s some small part of Iguro that wants to heal. He wants to feel okay again. I think there is a part of Iguro that is very selfish. The way he acts towards Mitsuri isn’t really romantic, his protectiveness and jealousy are signs of entitlement. However, the thing is traumatized people do end up feeling entitled to happiness. Iguro’s so terrified of losing Mitsuri because she’s the one good thing in his life, and because of that he’s unable to love her in a healthy way. 

Even if Iguro’s given up on himself and decided that he’s poison, unlike Shinobu I see that there’s some part of Iguro that genuinely wants to heal. He wants to feel like a good person, he wants to find someway to continue living, its just he thinks it’s impossible for him to. Iguro’s desire to die and be reborn is so compelling that I actually want to see him live and be forced to deal with the prospect of his slow healing rather than getting his wish to be redeemed by death. 

4. Sanemi Shinazugawa - “My Nemi is the kindest…” 

Tanjiro as a character is kind in a way that’s easy to digest. When he’s angry it’s always righteous anger. His kindness never becomes a difficult. Tanjiro never does anything that’s difficult to swallow. That’s okay, but it’s also not that deep. 

Sanemi’s kindness and his anger are both a part of him. His cruelty does not detract from how kind he is, his kindness doesn’t excuse his cruelty. Sanemi is driven to act cruel, to be merciless, to be vicious not because he doesn’t care about people but he cares too much and the loss of almost everyone he’s loved in his life disfigures him permanently. 

Sanemi is a little kid who hunted demons all on his own for years by letting them fight him until he bled. He always fights by intentionally harming himself, hence why he shows his scars at all time and makes no attempt to hide them. Sanemi as a person is damaged to his core, but he still retains that kindness because it’s a part of who he is. 

Sanemi is angry because he’s kind. He’s violent because he’s kind. He’s so afraid of losing others again, the only way he knows how to be with them is to protect others from afar. Sanemi thinks he can abuse his brother, but as long as he protects him from demons from a distance it will all be okay in the end. 

What I like about Sanemi’s narrative is that it wasn’t. His actions ended up hurting his brother far more than helping him, the more distance he put between them, the more Genya threw himself into harm to get his brother to acknowledge him. At the end everything Sanemi did to protect him amounted to nothing, and Sanemi is the one protected and comforted by his brother when he should have been the one taking care of him. I think the author rushed to the tragic ending rather than letting the characters developed to get there, but still there’s an interesting choice that Sanemi is the one to survive and not Genya. Sanemi who has always wanted to just go off and die somewhere eaten by a demon while his brother gets to live happily. Now Sanemi’s never going to fix things with that brother, and nothing he can do will make up for what he did to Genya. However, he still has to find a way to keep living for himself. Watching broken people trying to find a way to keep on living is the primary reason why I read fiction in the first place. 

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Hurt, pt. 4 (E.D.)

Summary: While Y/N makes her choice, Ethan admits something he tried to hide from everyone, himself most of all.

Warnings: ANGST, swearing, talk of abortion and depression

Word Count: 2000

Hurt - Series Masterlist

Y/N held onto her last bits of sanity as the sudden stillness and silence of the room caught up with her.

She was debating ending the pregnancy without even telling Ethan when she first learned of it… but now? She couldn’t bear the thought.

Three babies! Three babies who were part of her! Three babies that were a part of him…the man she hates…the man she loves…the man who had given her so many good memories only for them to turn bittersweet now.

In her heart, Y/N knew she wouldn’t have gone through with it even if it were a single heartbeat. In her heart, Y/N still loves Ethan. She still hopes there is something more to the story he sold her. She can’t believe the love he had for her had just gone. Ethan Dolan is a man who loves deeply and with every cell his body is comprised of. He whispered his love even that day…she didn’t think he lied. That’s the problem, because if he didn’t lie and he loved her still, why would he ever choose to tell her of the woman he supposedly fell in love with? Why would he break her heart and walk away from everything they built?

That’s where another fear takes root.

Should she tell him of her current state? Would he choose to stay and fight just because of the kids? Would he stay because he loves her and regrets his initial choice or would he leave nonetheless? If he wanted to mend their marriage, would she even accept?

Y/N has been a gracious woman her whole life, but could she be so gracious as to forgive such an unforgivable hurt? She used to be sassy, but sweet. She was adventurous but homely. She was wild at heart, but a flower in her mind.

She had everything he wanted and more, so why did things go so horribly wrong?

Thing is, everyone warns you of drug dealing, gun-wielding maniacs, but no one ever says anything about silver tongue guys with pretty brown eyes and empty promises.

“I’ve got something to calm you down.” Edward strolled over to the right side of her bed just as his studies always taught him to. A single glance at her face told him enough of her inner demons and the war she waged with them. He was confused when he met her, but with this little bit of information he received, Edward found himself bound to her by pure human understanding and a little more of admiration once she spoke up.

“I don’t want them to die. I wanna carry my babies to full term. I want to mother them.” While she looked frail and weak, her voice was filled with stern resolution and unimaginable strength. She looked like a lioness ready to die to protect her cubs.

Edward pursed his lips as he got to work with her I.V., pushing the medicine in. He knew he’d be the one to care for her and the babies for the next seven months and while he was terrified before, Edward was certain he’d do well. He would make sure it’s a smooth ride. As smooth as it can be.

“It’s okay. You rest and I’ll be here.” He reassured her, his left hand moving the hair out her face as she smiled meekly. Allowing himself the freedom to caress her cheek with his knuckle, Edward smiled too. His shift was over and he had plans for the night, but he couldn’t imagine leaving her just yet. She needed someone and he wouldn’t let her soon to be ex-husband be that person. She didn’t have to know of his little sacrifice. He’d do it for any patient, or so he told himself.

While Y/N drifted off to sleep, doctor Edward in a chair by her side, Ethan was ready to blow in the waiting room.

“Fuck this.” He threw his hand in the air in frustration, striding to the nurse’s station once more. “I want to see my wife.” He tried to keep his voice leveled and his words appropriate, but just the thought of her being inside, alone, not only hurt but pregnant with his child - it was enough to drive him insane. Not that he was far from the edge before, but she wouldn’t understand. No one would.

“Since it’s evident this family matter is complicated, the patient can decide if she wants to see you or not and while we would already ask by now, we can’t upset her with your presence or even the notion of it.” Nurse Jackie explained as calmly as possible, aware she should keep her nose out of this particular business unlike doctor Henstridge who seems to not care about the line drawn in this case.

“I won’t leave until I see her. Besides, she has no family in this state but mine and me. Someone has to take her home and it’s going to be me.” Ethan narrowed his eyes at the nurse who ignored his rant, turning around to hide his rage from the woman. He was on the verge of punching a wall, feeling miserable and helpless. There were so many things he had wanted to talk to her about and it wasn’t just about today. Hell, had she been willing to listen, a lot of things that happened wouldn’t and maybe they wouldn’t be at war with each other. She always told him to be honest, so he was always honest. Ethan never realized his honesty would destroy them in the long run.

As he took his seat in the waiting room once again, his phone rang.

“Ethan where are you?” Bianca sounded angry and he really wasn’t in the mood to deal with this. He needed to stop and distance himself. He needed time and space to deal with issues he hadn’t yet dealt with.

“At the hospital. Y/N is going to stay overnight and I’m waiting to see her.” He didn’t bother hiding anything. He didn’t want to. While Bianca was the jealous type, he didn’t care if this sparked a fight. He was tired of being a warrior with his wife and agreeable with Bianca.

“Your ex? Seriously? You stood me up and I was really looking forward to this.” A pause ensued, one that made Ethan run a hand through his hair before bringing it back to his face as if to hide from his problems.

“You told me your marriage was over.” Ethan scoffed, deciding to be as honest with Bianca as he was with Y/N.

“It isn’t. It never will be for me. Okay? That what you wanted to hear? Because I love her. I always will. I thought I felt the same for you but now I see it can’t compare. Not even close. It never could. It was a childish dream I wanted to see come true and in the process I fucked up everything. And for what? I can’t even have sex with you because all I see is her. I can’t look at you without wishing you were her. I can’t listen to you because I hear her. Okay? I made a mistake and I’m sorry you got dragged into this and I will understand if you quit your job, but I can’t be anything more than your boss. You’re an amazing woman, but you’re not meant for me.” Hanging up the phone, Ethan felt free. He felt lighter and he felt resolute. For the first time ever he understood his reasoning and he hated himself for it. Even more than before which he thought would be impossible, but there he was - finding new limits of self-hate.

In that moment he had made a conscious choice to be better – to do better. If he wanted to make amends and built the trust he had destroyed, Ethan had to man up. He had to find a way to talk to Y/N, his wife, his soulmate, his biggest heartache.

But first, he needed help. And it wasn’t any kind of help.

Ethan had felt himself slipping back into the darkness he was consumed by when his father had passed. He felt his mind alter. It wasn’t the first time he noticed himself change, but he finally admitted it. He had to face his demons eventually. He had to look them in the eye and fight them off. He was a husband to a perfect woman and he let his depression take over and he pushed her aside for something that made him feel. Bianca made him feel something, and in that moment he thought something would be better than nothing – than admitting he was losing it once again.

Y/N had never seen him depressed before. In fact, he met her after finally winning the first battle against it – against his own mind. And he loved her – he always did, but for a moment his judgment was clouded and he needed to find an out. He couldn’t tell her what’s in his mind. Ethan thought himself to be weak, unworthy of her and all she offered him, because had he deserved it his depression wouldn’t have returned. Had he deserved her, he wouldn’t be feeling anything for someone else. This depression he faced felt like an ocean, yet not the ones full of life and color. His ocean is a million shades of grey the same as those old-fashioned photographs.

Bianca was a light shade of grey, bringing about the memories of her bad-girl vibe he always chased. Her smart mouth always got her into trouble in school and she was always in detention despite her good grades. Ethan never understood why she couldn’t keep quiet, especially with the teachers, but he absolutely loved how she’d sass them. She could make anyone lose their wits and he never found any quality sexier.

She was a light shade and he thought she would give him some color back, but she didn’t.

What returned the color was Y/N’s blood on his hands, her hate for him, her pain and his never-ending guilt and regret. Colors were returning to him, too slowly, but the incident had brought them all back in an instant and he could finally face himself. He could face what he had done and he could think clearly for the first time in months. It’s what had brought all of his walls into a crumbling state, one he didn’t know how to escape.

If anything, he was right about Y/N needing someone better than him. Someone who would love her and cherish her and put her first no matter who gets in the way. Ethan was that man. He was the person who cherished her with everything inside him. He was the man who longed to be beside her, to hold her and protect her. Somewhere along the way, he lost himself. Regardless, Ethan hoped to be that man once again.

Picking up his phone, he dialed his old psychiatrist’s number, determined to fix himself and hopefully fix his marriage as well – not just because he would be a father, but because he owed it to himself and his Y/N to try.

“Hi. This is Ethan Dolan.” Ethan paused, forcing the words to come out. In order to start getting better, he’d have to make the first step and that’s to admit when he needs treatment. He couldn’t run from his problems any longer. Ethan was ready to step into the light, even if it hurt like a bitch. He had to stop spending most of his time feeling numb and let the pain in. 

“I, uh, don’t know if you remember me, but I was once your patient and I desperately need your help.”

Tags: @melodiesforari​ @brittttneyyyy​ @beautorigin​  @dolandolll​ @xalayx​ @godlydolans​ @heyits-claire​ @peacedolantwins​ @dolanstwintuesday​ @accalialionheart​ @ethanhes​ @lanadeldolans​ @ebbach-03​ @dolangels​​  @xxaamzxx​​ @cutestdolans​​ @yaren-ates​​ @dolansmith​​ @vintagebitttch​​ @primadolangirl​​ @caqsicle​ @jjustjoy​ @justordinaryjen​ @graydolan12​ @imaginashawnns​ @graysonslovie​ @fandomsfeministsandothershit​ @bdsmdolan​ @graysavant​

Anyone who wants to be tagged? Just comment on this part, because it makes it easier to keep track of it so I don’t miss someone.

[canid-slashclaw]

The Outliers - A Guild Wars Love Story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9,  Chapters 10 and 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 , Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19

Chapter 20

One month had passed and Kaleb and Amalthia's passionate relationship continued unabated. Whenever either had the chance to steal away for a moment to see the other, they would do so. But on this night, the continuity in both of their lives would drastically change forever.

Under a moonlit pasture just outside of Claypool, Amalthia straddled atop her lover as the two began to work their bodies up to the moment of orgasmic ecstasy. Kaleb, meanwhile, held his essence for as long as he could until the moment was right.

"I can never get over just how not painful this is whenever we join as one," Amalthia said as she began riding him hard.

Kaleb breathed heavily while his member throbbed deeply inside his feline lover. "I just can't get over how warm and tight you are. In spite of our differences, our bodies match up so well. Proportionally, we are pretty close to being the same."

"True. I think this sort of thing would be a bit awkward if I were larger like most females of my kind. But even if we weren't, I would still be yours, Kaleb. You are my mate and my love," she said between intense yowls of ecstasy.

"The way you end your sentences in soft purring sounds just turns me on even more. I love you so much, Amalthia Steelblade!"

"And I love you too, Kaleb Grimwald. Ohh myyy..." Her body convulsed in sheer pleasure.

"Oh gods!!" Kaleb unloaded into her as the two of them groaned in orgasmic harmony.

After their intense lovemaking session was over, both got dressed then headed out to the waypoint that connected to Kessex Hills. Once there, Kaleb escorted Amalthia back to her loft above her father's butcher shop.

"When can I see you again?" Kaleb queried as he gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Amalthia flicked her ears and replied; "tomorrow is going to be busy for me as my father wants me to cut up a large order for a business client. Perhaps the following day would be better since I'll pretty much have the whole day free."

"I would like that very much."

Once they arrived, she noticed that the downstairs lights were on. But she dismissed it as nothing unusual as her father would typically forget to turn them off.

As Amalthia walked up the staircase leading to her upstairs loft, Kaleb raised his hand to say goodbye. "See you in a couple of days and," saying in a much softer voice, "I love you!" before he began to turn around and depart.

She gave him a parting kiss in the wind before attempting to unlock the door. To her surprise, she found that the door would not open.

"Something's wrong with the damn lock. I can't get it to open," she growled as she shoved the key back into her coat pocket.

"Any possibility that your father's still up?" Kaleb asked just as he was about to leave.

"Doubtful. I've never seen him up this late at night. Anyway, this is starting to piss me off."

"Mind if I come in? I mean, none of the... you know... just figured I'd like to spend a little while longer with you, that is, if you don't mind."

"I would normally never say no, but we are going into the main house where my father resides. Remember, love, I haven't cleaned up yet and there is always a risk of our scents being picked up by him."

"But you said he's rarely up this late," Kaleb reminded her.

Amalthia relented. "Well, I suppose it will be okay. We just have to dash up to my room. No dilly dallying."

Kaleb nodded as she unlocked the main door to the butcher shop. Once they entered, she locked the door behind them as they started to head towards the spiral staircase. But as they did so, Amalthia caught wind of something that suddenly sent a chill to her very core.

"My. Oh my. What has my little cub and this mouse been doing together out so late?"

The lights from the butcher counter area flicked on revealing the form of Siri Blastfuse. Her snout immediately began to sniff the air as her face drew to a deep scowl.

"Mother?" Amalthia said in a shaky voice as their gazes met.

"What is that foul stench coming off you? It's also coming off of him as well. Nooo... this can't be?!"

Before she could react, her mother bounded towards her like a hungry cat about to pounce its prey. She briefly sniffed Kaleb's groin area as her murderous green eyes met his. Next, she shoved her snout into her daughter's crotch then withdrew and let out a horrific shriek.

"YOU FILTHY LITTLE SKRITT-FUCKING WHORE!!"

Siri brought her clawed right hand with full force against the left side of her daughter's upper neck causing four deep lacerations. She then turned her rage towards Kaleb who was too much in shock to react.

"You disgusting little squealer! I will rend parts off your body you don't even know you HAD!!" She lunged at him at full momentum, but was stopped short by Amalthia's quick reaction.

"Mother!! Don't you dare hurt him! I swear I'll kill you right here and now!" She bellowed as she reached for her sword.

Although much older and slower, Siri was still quick enough to blunt her daughter's attack. "Not if I kill you first, cub!"

Within moments, mother and daughter were in a deathwatch with claws and teeth flashing. Kaleb could only watch in horror as he saw the two charr tearing into each other like savage beasts.

Suddenly, and from out of nowhere, came a thunderous bellow that emanated from the hallway. When he heard it Kaleb snapped out of his state of shock.

"ENOUGH! NOT IN MY HOUSE!! Both of you - stand DOWN!" Ludrick roared as he lunged in on the melee using his good left foot.

Kaleb reached in to try and pull Amalthia off of her mother. But as he did, a massive clawed furred hand grabbed him by the throat then slammed him against the wall.

"You..."

For the first time in his life, Kaleb was terrified to his core as he looked to see the murderous eyes of none other than Ludrick himself. Gone, was the softhearted charr that he came to know and respect. What stood before him was the embodiment of hate itself.

"...aren't going ANYWHERE!"

Ludrick grasped hold of Siri's large cranial horn with his other paw then forced her onto the floor. "And you... I... am... not... through... with you... either, bitch!"

"SIRE! Please... don't hurt him!" Amalthia screamed as she tried to intervene.

Her father bellowed in rage. "Back off, cub! He has crossed the line. Both of you have."

"Ohh. They've done more than crossed it... they've..." Siri's words were cut short by a sharp twist of Lucrick's powerful arm.

"If I hear so much as a fart out of you, I'm going to snap your neck. You hear me?!"

For the first time in her life, Amalthia had never seen her father this angry. It was also the first time in her life that she was afraid - afraid of him.

"Please, sire. Father. I am the one who is to blame. Please, don't hurt Kaleb. He saved my life and... he is, your friend," she said as tears began streaming from her eyes.

Ludrick closed his eyes and bowed his head then eased his grip upon the young man. "Go to your room, Amalthia. Trust me for what I have to do."

Kaleb mustered enough nerve to speak. "I... it's okay, Ama. No matter what happens to me, just remember that nothing will ever change my feelings for you."

"Father. Promise me you won't kill him. If you do then you will lose a daughter as well. And I mean it too!" Amalthia snarled.

"Amalthia. Please trust me. Now go to your room. I will deal with this boy in the best way I see fit." He nodded to her with a much softer expression on his face.

"I love you, Kal. No matter what happens, you are my mate in body and heart," she said as she ran up the stairs crying.

Siri could no longer contain herself. "I might take you up on that offer of wanting to snap my neck in two, centurion. Otherwise I might just die from drowning in my own vomit."

Amalthia stepped down the stairs for a moment and commented; "make her wish come true, sire. You'll get no complaints from me."

"To your room and not another word, cub!" Her father bellowed as he turned toward Kaleb with a hateful glare.

"I trusted you. She trusted you. We both trusted you and this is how you repay us??? Did you think she was some exotic plaything that you could just manipulate for the purpose of satisfying your own lustful fantasies?"

Kaleb steeled his resolve then looked Ludrick in the eyes. "I would never have taken those arrows for a mere plaything, sir! I love your daughter more than life itself. A fact, I might add, that I've already demonstrated. So go ahead and kill me if you wish. But know this... Amalthia will never forgive you for being such a coward to face an obvious truth. And that truth is that love observes no boundaries regardless of kind."

Ludrick grimaced as he forced Kaleb towards the door while keeping him in a chokehold. "Do you delude yourself into believing that love alone will offer the happiness that either of you believes the other deserves? Listen to me, cub - no matter how much the two of you may love each other; the rest of the world will hate both of you because of that love. The oceans of blood spilt between our peoples for so many centuries can not so easily be forgotten."

"You fear change. Both you and Siri fear change. I honestly cannot believe that a relationship such as ours can be so unique. Surely, there has been a human and charr who have loved each other in such a manner, sometime in the past. Am I right?" Kaleb said as he suddenly felt noticeable quivering in Ludrick's hand.

The old charr flipped Siri on her backside by rapidly pulling her horn until she nearly fainted from the excruciating pain. He then pushed Kaleb out the door as he held him tightly by the throat.

"Such a thing cannot happen in our lifetime. Not without consequences. You have broken my trust by going back on your word. You crossed the line!"

"With all due respect, sir. You only imagine me agreeing to your terms. There was at no point that I ever agreed to 'not crossing the line' as you so aptly put it... sir."

In a fit of rage, Ludrick flung Kaleb hard against the ground nearly knocking the wind out of him. As the old charr stood over him, he stooped down and pointed his massive clawed finger just inches from his face and said in a gruff voice; "you are to never come near these premises again. If I so much as catch wind of your scent, I will tear your heart out myself. Now be gone and never return!"

Reeling from the shock, Kaleb staggered away from the shop, both his body and heart in tatters. From the distance, he could hear a long mournful yowl coming from Amalthia's loft.

Ludrick turned back towards the door all the while suppressing the immense pain that was bearing down on his already bleeding right foot. He saw Siri's lanky silhouette emerge from the shadows then bounded towards her, preventing her from leaving.

"This, this is complete madness. My own cub... doing that? And you... why didn't you just shred that disgusting piece of meat when you had the chance? But if you won't do it then perhaps the task must fall to me since you no longer seem to have the stomach for such things." Siri raged as she attempted to leave the shop.

"No! You stay! You stay until I'm finished telling you something, something I should have told you a long time ago," Ludrick said as he bowed his head.

"I'm in no mood to hear anymore of your rehashed war stories, you impotent old bag of piss. If I could get away with it, I would kill all of you if nothing more than to remove the blight that has already tarnished my reputation," Siri said in disgust.

"No one but those present even knows of this. So there's no need to worry about your precious reputation being defiled. But that human was right about one thing..."

"Oh. Do tell."

"It has happened before - intimate relationships between human and charr. And it's closer than you can imagine."

"I can imagine quite a bit. Try me!"

"I know the power that falling in love can have on someone... even if they are different species."

"You know nothing!" Siri spat.

"I do know because it once happened a long time ago... to me." Ludrick closed his eyes and remembered the face of a human woman he had loved so long ago. He clasped hold of a chain necklace that he had worn for many years and pulled out what appeared to be a pendant that was broken in half.

"Her name was Karla and she saved my life."

(All chapters have been posted to AO3. Chapter 20 is posted here.)

[shuoshuzhe-aa]

warning: violence, alcohol, drugs, prostitution

            they gave him 2 weeks . . . he didn’t need very long  .  he’s already used this profile previously on another case  .  it was how he was going to worm his way into one of seoul’s most wanted drug rings  .  his chinese background helped a little before  ,  he only hoped it would help him now  .

“  what’s your name  ??  ” “  chen ruoyin  .  ” “  where are you from ??  ” “  shanghai  .  ” “  what brought you to korea  ??  ” “  i’m ducking authorities in china  .  ” “  really  ??  what’d you do  ??  ” “  i was a drug dealer  .  but they brought down the gang  .  guess you can all me lucky  ,  or something  .  ” “  what have you dealt before  ??  ” “  weed  ,  cocaine  ,  ecstasy  ,  ketamine  ,  morphine . . . name it  ,  i’ve probably done dealt it  .  ”

              repeat . . . his colleagues drilled him every day for TWO weeks until he could naturally respond without a need to hesitate  (  not that he needed the time. he’s already had it down pat  )  .  that’s what his department liked about him  ,  he didn’t take long to get into role and he does it convincingly well  .

            it was a long term case . . . they needed enough evidence to pin it on the drug lord  (  who always seemed to slip through the cracks and they needed enough to nail him for it  )  .  riley worked hard  ,  made his way up the ladder to get to the head of the entire operation  ,  it took him a year and a half . . . then another year and a half of sucking up to the big boss while sneaking out information before they brought the man in  (  jailed for life on multiple charges )  .             riley chen ruoyin was also charged with drug possession and distribution  — as well as prostitution  .  phony charges  ,  but he can’t help but to feel the weight of it on his shoulder and heart  ,  he knew his allies were being thorough so he could be safe  .  he supposedly went to jail for a few years before a tragic car accident claimed chen ruoyin  (  the drug lord’s favorite  )  and he died at the scene  .             riley isn’t proud of what he had to do to advance so quickly  . sometimes  ,  he feels like his body itches just at the thought of it  .  he’s never mentioned it . . . he avoided it .  he hadn’t divulged what he did to get past all the potential candidates to be a part of the drug lord’s tight circle of allies  .

“  so what’d you do  ??  how’d you do it  ??  ” “  i flaunted what my mother gave me – charmed them with a smile and sent them on their way with money and drugs  .  ” “  no  ,  seriously  .  ” “  seriously  .  ”

            flaunted what his mother gave him . . . he did exactly that  .  he was pretty  (  he acknowledged that  )  and attractive and it seemed to catch the target’s eyes so what’d he do  ??

“  $50 per hour  ,  how about it  ,  big guy  ??  ” “  so cheap  ??  ” “  i heard you were a big shot around here  ,  so i figured i’d pay my respects and give a discount  ,  you know  ,  kinda like a thank you for letting me do business around here  .  ” “  oh  ??  but i haven’t heard of a new hooker around here  .  ” “  nah  ,  it’s a side job  .  drugs is what i usually deal but a man’s got two needs  :  sex and money  .  here  , i get both  .  ” “  you’re a smart kid  .  i’ll take you up on that offer  .  ”

            dirty . . . disgusting  . for 3 years  ,  he heard the name ruoyin fall from the man’s lips as he faked enjoying the deed  .             ruoyin . . . ruoyin . . . ruoyin . . . the name echoed in his mind  ,  how long has he used the name  ??  5 years now  ??   4  ??  he couldn’t remember but since the operation ended  , his coworkers began realizing something was odd about his behavior  .             riley would come into the office, tired . . . he’d brush it off as the fact that he got caught up watching a movie and ended up sleeping to late  .  in reality  ,  he had been having nightmares about his last operation  ,  it was so deeply ingrained into him . . . 

            the line between riley  (  the undercover agent  )  and ruoyin  (  the prostitute drug dealer  )  blurred when he slept  . he’d wake in cold sweat in bed and forget who he is  ,  he’d look beside him as if he’s searching for someone  .  he’d rub at his ear as if someone had just whispered in his ear . . . he’d panic because he couldn’t remember who he was, where he was . . .

“  you won’t betray me right  ??  ” “  no  ,  never  .  ” “  because you know what i do to people who betray me  .  ” “   i do  .  ”  (  it took all his will not to flinch at the threat  , not to recall the torture the people go through  .  ) “  i’d hate to hurt someone as pretty as you  .  so beautiful . . . i really ought to thank your parents  .  ” “  not necessary  .  they don’t have a son anymore  .  ”   (  he didn’t feel like a filial son with what he was doing  )  –  he could recall feeling the man’s hand wrap around his neck  ,  seemingly a loving gesture before a slight squeeze  . “  perhaps . . . just for you  ,  i’ll come up with another way . . . to preserve that pretty head of yours  .  i really love your eyes  .  ” “ . . . . . .  ”  (  fear . . . he was scared but he can’t show it  .  his breath was caught in his throat and all he managed was a grin  )  , “  my eyes  ,  only  ??  i’m hurt . . .  ”

            riley gained a habit of rubbing at his neck whenever the drug lord’s name was mentioned or whenever he was anxious or nervous or scared . . . he’d place a hand at his neck and rub at it as if it was sore ,  as if there was a hand holding it  .

             his colleagues began realizing that riley wouldn’t respond to his own name sometimes  , no matter how loudly they yelled it or how many times they said it . . . they realized he had this blanked out stare from time to time or the fear that floods his eyes when the drug lord was mentioned  .              it was obvious he was unsettled . . . something said to him during the operation had snagged his mind that he could never forget  .  it was conditioned into him  .  they knew he was breaking  ,  a undercover agent as great as riley also had limits . . . and it seemed the man reached his  ,  it was blatantly obvious when riley responded to being called ruoyin and he froze  .              he needed out . . . and his friends gave him an out. they wanted him to stay but they knew riley’s psyche was breaking.

“  be honest  .  tell us what’s going on  .  we won’t tell anyone  .  ” “  . . . i don’t know what you’re talking about  .  ” “  don’t be like this  ,  we can see it  .  you’re tired every day  ,  you have this glassy look in your eyes  .  ” “  . . . i’m fine  .  ” “  you’re not  .  ” “  stop prying  .  i’m fine  !!  ” “  why don’t you trust us  ??  ” “  i do  !!  it’s just . . . it’s nothing  , okay  ??  small nightmares  . i’ll get over it  .  ” “  it’s not small if it’s changing you  .  what’s going on  ??  ” “  . . .  ”  (  let them help – his mind urged  ,  his tired and broken mind . . . he wanted to rest  ) “  please . . . riley . . .  ” “  i’ve been having nightmares . . . where i wake up not knowing who i am  ,  where i am . . . it’s terrifying because i think i’m still there  .  i think he’s there and he’s ready to kill me . . . for betraying him  .  ”

            he admitted he didn’t want to sleep  ,  to spare himself from all that fear . . . to save himself from losing a sense of who he actually was  .  he admitted to having a mantra to remind himself of who he was  . they were right, riley was fearful . . . but no one could blame him  ,  it was one of the largest operations they pulled off  ,  someone was bound to come out scarred and that turned out to be riley . . .              they had to do something to alleviate that fear . . . they did  ,  they recommended him to another taskforce that could possibly use his skillset  .  a forming task force  ,  it was a spot where he could still do the amazing things he can but without fear  .  it was an out for riley  ,  away from the drugs and trafficking  ,  away from ever hearing the drug lord’s name again  .  it wasn’t much but it was a start  .

when he joined the new force  (  with much reluctance  ,  he was leaving friends and a position he used to enjoy  )  ,  that was when he got the tattoo behind his ear  .  large but not imposing . . . his initials  ,  behind his right ear and he put mirrors in his house  .  he’d see his name whenever he looked in the mirror  ;  when he wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweat  ,   not know who he was  ,   he’d see it in the mirror, his name . . . 

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 8

some angst at the end for you all because this story has been way too fluffy so far and that just ain’t my style lmao 

enjoy :)

taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @killer-queen-xo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @alfinaldelarcoiriss @warren-lauren (I’m sorry for some reason I wasn’t able to tag your other account, I hope this is fine anyway).   to be added to the tag list please message me.

Part 1 Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 9

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N felt like she was living a double life, the first being her regular life when she was at school and the second being the new life she had started to create with Brian.

From 9 am to 5 pm she was old regular Y/N, who was your typical college student, and she talked to all her old friends like she always used to, even though she kept the biggest secret from them. In fact, she had not told anyone about what was going on in her private life, not even Joe knew about it, no matter how much she truly cared for him and trusted him. 

All she had told him was that she was going through some family problems and that she was staying with a friend for some time, which wasn't a complete lie after all.

Except her ‘friend’ was their professor, but that wasn't important.

Her ‘friend’ was someone she’d been building such a great relationship with every day from 5 pm until the morning. 

Her new life was exciting and terrifying at the same time, she helped him out with Emily as much as she could, picking her up from daycare and secretly taking her to get ice cream (if she promised not to tell Brian) (he actually knew but he just pretended he didn't because they were far too adorable for him to mind it), helping her get dressed in the morning and brush her teeth at night. She had become a motherly figure for Emily and she loved it, although the idea of children had never been much appealing to her in the past.

Every night her and Brian would take some time after putting Em to bed to go over all the notes she had been taking during lectures and he made sure to explain everything throughly more than once, taking small breaks in between chapters to drink some tea and make out on the couch. They had never gone any further than that and Brian wanted to, God only knows how much he wanted to, but he just wasn’t sure how to bring it up casually, without embarrassing her or making her feel like he was being pushy and desperate, so he kept to himself and tried to hide his excitement whenever they kissed, both fiscal and emotional.

Was she his girlfriend? He had no idea, they never talked about it in depth, only agreeing to keeping things between them as secret as possible, but they were pretty much living together at that point and that's all that mattered to him. 

He never wanted to let her go, and every time she told him she could go home if he had gotten tired of her, he just pulled her into his chest and kissed her so deeply that all her thoughts got lost in translation.

He had also finally grown the balls to tell her he loved her, which had first happened a couple of weeks after she told him first. Not that she minded being the only one to say it, she knew how hard it was for him to open up and let his emotions free, she was familiar with the heartbreaks and demons of his past, so she was absolutely okay with him taking his time to sort his feelings out. Needless to say, she was over the moon when he first told her he loved her after a heated make out session. She was on cloud nine.

As long as there was love between them, their relationship didn't need labels.

The only thing about them that kinda bothered Y/N was how secretive they had to be all the time.

Of course when they were both at school and she had to act like nothing more than a student she was careful, but he never wanted her to go out with him at all. If she was picking up Em after school, then he wasn’t going with her, if either of them went grocery shopping they had to go by themselves and they couldn't even go out for dinner together once in a while.

Brian was scared to death that someone from school would see them and spread the word, and that would mean losing everything they had both worked so hard for, so he wasn't willing to take any risks.

And Y/N understood, she really did, but at the same time she often felt like a prisoner because she wanted to spend all her spare time with Brian and being with him meant staying home, which got quite tough after a while.

She became more irritable and all her friends had notice a change in her attitude, especially Joe with whom she spent most of her time in school. He was so used to being made aware of mostly everything that went on in Y/N’s life that he could immediately tell when something wasn't right, and he couldn’t help but notice how stressed and tired she had been looking most of the time lately.

What he didn't know was that it wasn't just the pressure of having to retake the exam to keep her up at night, but also her anxiety about the relationship with Brian and where it was headed.

Her and Brian had even had a small argument about it, he’d lost his patience and raised his voice at her more than he’d ever done before, which obviously scared her because it was almost impossible for him to lose his patience. 

He had profusely apologized for it right after of course, plus it is normal for people who live together all the time to have discussions every once in a while, right? 

No matter what, Joe could sense something in her head was bothering her and he knew just what he needed to do to help her out.

“Hey Y/N, would you like to come to the movies with me tonight? It’s been a while since we’ve last hung out together after all and maybe it would be useful for you to go out every once in a while”.

He wasn't wrong after all. She had been so busy with her new life that she had almost forgotten how to live for herself, how to just go out for fun and not think about anything stressing her out for a while.

“Hey Joe, yeah I would love to go! Any particular movie you have in mind?”

“I was thinking of getting tickets for the new Star Wars movie if that's okay with you of course”

Y/N had not even seen the first couple of Star Wars movie and quite frankly she wasn't all that interested, but she was so happy to just be spending time with her friend and finally be a normal twenty something year old for a night that she didn't even try to question it, she would have watched any movie about anything. She just agreed, pretending to know what the saga was about and figuring she would just try not to fall asleep if the movie ended up being boring.

“Should I come pick you up at around seven?” She shivered at his question, of course he didn’t know any better but the thought alone of him picking her up from their professor’s house was horror movie worthy to her.

“No, don’t even worry about it, I’ll just get my mom to drop me off at whichever movie theatre we decide to go, it’s no big deal”.

Joe only insisted for a while before giving up on trying to argue and letting her get back to her lecture, which she knew was going to be one of the longest of her life.

Brian could tell she was in a great mood as soon as she stepped into the apartment later that day, and started questioning her about it soon enough.

“So, what's gotten you in such an amazing mood baby?”

“Joe asked me to go see the new Star Wars movie with him tonight, and I’m so happy I could cry. It’s been a while since I’ve taken some time off to be with my friends, you know”.

Brian didn't immediately figure out who she was talking about, not used to remembering his students’ first names, but then it hit him since she had briefly talked about him before.

“Joe as in Mr. Stevenson who used to attend my lectures last semester with you?”

“Well yes, but he did end up passing the test so that's why you haven't seen much of him lately. You can just call him Joe now” she laughed at the last part.

He was perplexed for some reason. It felt weird to know that she was going to go out with someone other than him, especially someone who he could tell had a crush on Y/N. He left a sudden wave of jealousy run through his veins, and he hated himself for it because after all she was free to hang out with whoever she wanted, but he couldn’t help it.

Of course he wanted her to have a good time, he just wanted her to have it with him in the comfort of his house (actually, to him it was their house by then, he considered her part of the family without a doubt).

“Wouldn’t you rather stay home with me? We can watch a movie and I can go grab us some dinner! Maybe Italian food? That's your favorite, isn't it?”

“Well, yeah, but I mean I haven't been out with Joe in so long and I honestly miss him, I’m going to be watching a movie either way, it’s just that I always do that with you”

“You don't even like Star Wars”

“It’s not that I don't like it, I have just never cared for it, but who’s to say that can't change?” She was starting to get irritated at him, after all he wasn't her father and he had no right to act so protective of her when she wasn't even doing anything that she needed protection from.

“But why won’t you just stay here with me? We have to go over some lectures from this week, you need to study for your test!” Truth is he was jealous of the kind of relationship Joe could offer her.

It was no issue for them to be seen in public together, he could take her out and make her happy any time he wanted to, and Brian couldn't. He just couldn't risk being seen by someone and he knew that it was taking a toll on Y/N, but the last thing he wanted was for her to realize that he wasn't worth the hustle and that Joe was a much better party.

“Oh come on Brian, don’t be like that! I am spending all of my free time here with you and Emily lately, and I don't mind that but sometimes I would like to go out with my friends and be normal for once”.

That last part hit Brian differently, and he felt like he was on the verge of tears.

“So you don't think our relationship is normal enough for you?”

“Of course it’s not, and you know that very well. You know, because you’re the one always telling me that we have to keep it a secret like we’re some sort of spies that work for the government or whatever. You’re the one always lecturing me on the risks of going out together and all of that, you know for a fact this isn't what a normal relationship is like”.

He didn't know what to say to that. She was right and he hated it, he wanted to be able to give her the world, but felt stuck inside a small box that he was forcing her to stay in with him, and that was a very unfair way of treating her, especially considering how much he really loved her.

“Then... then why are you still here Y/N?” 

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

“What do you mean why am I still here?”

“Why haven't you gone back to your parents yet? Why is all of your stuff still in my apartment if you feel like you're so unhappy here?” He knew that the words coming out of his mouth were most likely untrue, but it didn't matter to the anger and sadness coming from inside of him.

“Because I love you Brian, and you know”

“Do I?” Why was he being so spiteful to her? Of course he knew she loved him, she showed him every fucking day. Why was he being so difficult? He didn't know the answer.

Y/N was left speechless after that, feeling the weight of a thousand stones drop on her heart. She didn't know where to look or how to act, afraid of setting him off even more and afraid of what he might do, after all she had never seen him that upset before. She quickly grabbed her backpack and wallet from her room, which actually used to be sort of like a storage room that Brian had redecorated for her to feel at home in, took one last look at him and left without another word being said.

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

The summertime of our lives, 4/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 4/6.

Pairings: Ninetoo x Rose.

A/N: Written for @doctorroseprompts summer bingo. Five summer-themed words: Hike, Free, Tent, Surprise, Pool (BINGO!). Tagging @thebookster on her demand.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” - William Shakespeare.

CHAPTER 4:

“What’s the point of this?” The Doctor marked a stop on a flat rock on the path and turned around to face who was climbing the rough rocky track they had been following in the last couple hours. Her face was red and sweaty because of the effort and she was panting when she joined him on the flat rock. She raised a finger, put a hand on her knee and tried to catch her breath. His cheeks were rosy from walking this much without a real pause but that was all. “That was just a stupid idea.” “Coming here?” “Hiking with you.” “Why have you come up with that idea, then?” “I told you. That was dump.” She grabbed her flask and greedily drank from it. She was drinking so fast and voraciously that the water was running down on her chin and on her hiking vest. The Doctor placed a hand on her flask and gently forced her to stop drinking. She lowered her bottle, put the cap back on. All of that with interrogating amber eyes staring at him. “Easy on the water. The next drinking point of water is over three miles away. You don’t want to run out of it before, right?” “I hate you.” Rose fastened her flask back on the heavy backpack she had and with a ‘hmpf’ of annoyance, she continued her walk, leaving him there. She ignored his protests in her back and resolutely followed the path they had chosen when they planned this hike. What was the point of it? She really wondered why she had had that stupid idea. She had gotten frustrated. When she had seen him getting out of the water, when he had walked back to his chair, his soaked clothes sticking to his skin, drawing every line of his tall and thin body, she had been forced to bite on his bottom lip hard not to jump on him. They should talk about it but instead, she had proposed to him to go for a hike. And there they were, on a full day of walking in the burning sun. And they would have to do the same to go back to the car on the next day. She was used to be active, to be running but this was awful. It took him only a couple of steps to catch her up. He walked silently beside her. His face had never looked so serene than right now. He was happy to be hiking. There apparently was a sportive inside him. An old habit. He was running all the time as the Doctor. He needed to move, to be outdoors. This was the first time he truly felt good but the fact that Rose seemed cross with him was staining his well-being. “What’s bothering you?” It was a dangerous move. He was always running head first in the lion’s den. He was always flirting with danger. Rose Tyler was the proud daughter of Jackie Tyler and when she was lashing out, she wasn’t faking it. They were climbing a mountain. It certainly wasn’t a good idea to provoke her. “Nothing.” “That’s not nothing. I can see it on your face. Something’s bothering you.” “Doesn’t matter.” “It does matter to me.” She huffed and walked faster. She was trying to avoid his question. She didn’t want to answer which totally convinced him that she was hiding something from him. It was highly unpleasant. There was a time he wouldn’t have cared. Humans and mood swings. He had more important things to do. But now, this was hurting him. He would have insisted in the past. Today, he just shut up and walked behind her. They reached their destination in the late afternoon with great relief. For Rose, because of the walk was finally over; for the Doctor, because it meant they would have a better talk. However, first, they had to build their tent and make a safe camp for the night. He had to admit that he had never done this in his life. That was pretty exciting to him but the notice was completely useless. He couldn’t understand it no matter how he was reading it. He did it without the notice. He was pretty happy when the tent collapsed. He heard a giggle behind him and turned around to find Rose mocking him. “Oi! Do it yourself if that’s so easy.” It was. It really was. In a jiffy, the tent was firmly pitched in the ground and it wouldn’t move even in the middle of a storm – which, fortunately, was a situation they wouldn’t have to face. He was making a large circle of rocks for the fire. He gathered dry wood and threw it in the circle for the fire they would light later. Then, he sat down on one of those camp chairs. Rose was sat on the other one. “We should refill our flasks before really settling down,’ he tried. “I’ll go.” And, in the minute, she was up and gone to the drinkable point of water. He sighed. She was clearly avoiding him this time. What had he done wrong? Why was she always avoiding him? There was something wrong, that was obvious, and he had become too stupid to figure out the problem. He had an ordinary human brain now. It was working slower, like an ageing computer. It was annoying. He inhaled deeply the fresh mountain air and opened his eyes. He was standing on the edge of the sharp face of this mountain. He hadn’t realised he had moved. Hadn’t realised he was so close to the edge. He didn’t step back. He stayed on the edge, the tip of his walking shoes in the void. A screaming sense of danger was filling him. If he stumbled, it was over for him. The fall would kill him and no regeneration was possible. The end of the road. Forever. It would be easy, really. Take a step forward, fall in the void. For a moment, he would fly and then, he would be free. For a moment, he would forget this universe, this human body, these questions and doubts. Just one step. That’s all it would take. Rose had said she wanted no one else but him days ago. She was drunk back then. She probably hadn’t meant it. That was what her behaviour was telling him. This was like being punched in the stomach. He was breathless suddenly and his heart was aching so much. What was the point of his life if she didn’t want him? All those doubts were driving him insane. Just one step, only one freaking step. “Doctor?” It was her voice but it didn’t reach him. A reminiscence. A hallucination. His mind was acting up. It was making him hear and feel what his heart was begging for. He was longing for Rose. He wanted her, he wanted her love, he wanted her arms around his waist. But it wasn’t him she wanted. Her words meant nothing. His heart leapt when he felt himself stumble. So this was the end? A simple mistake? It didn’t feel like falling though. Soon, too soon, his back hit the cold hard ground and he didn’t move anymore. He had fallen on the good side of the mountain. All air was expelled from his lungs when another weight collided with his chest. He let out a sound of protest and was rewarded by a slap on his shoulder. “How dare you?! How dare you even thinking about killing yourself? After all we’ve been through?!” Rose was furious and pressed her finger hard in his chest. His eyes snapped open. She wasn’t an hallucination. She was really here. She had come to find him standing this close to the edge and she had naturally thought that he would jump. It had crossed his mind but he had never really thought about jumping. A Time Lord was regenerating. A human was dying. As simple as that. Nothing else. Dead and gone in a hole six feet under. It was slightly terrifying. Rose was still yelling at him. She was having a rant about how she had come back to their camp to find him gone and she saw him there, about to jump in the void, about how she had panicked and taken him away from the edge a bit violently. And all he could do was staring at her plump lips with envy. That’s all he could look at: those lips he wanted to kiss. She would push him away if he tried. He had to wait until she was done lashing out. It was particularly difficult because of all of his senses seemed to have awoken with the fall. She was straddling him, her thighs against his ribs, her bum on his lower belly. It was rubbing against the bulge in his pants. He swallowed. Her fury was sexy. She slapped his chest. The pain was another ignitor of his desire. The warm palm of her hand on his torso, right where his only heart was pounding, was spreading in his veins. Could she feel it, the rhythm under her fingers? She moved slightly, just enough. Her bottom was lower on his belly, lower enough to press against the most sensitive part of his body. The wind was blowing harder now and her hair was escaping her ponytail to fly in her face. Long blonde strands of hair flying in the sunset, catching the golden rays, blinding him with a surreal halo of light surrounding her. Dimples appeared around the corner of her mouth when she smiled that irresistible tongue-touching smile. Was he daydreaming? Why would she smile at him? Blood pulsed through his veins. It was torture. He had never felt that uneasy with her before. Her eyes were shining with hunger. An unsatisfied hunger he wouldn’t have understood in any other situation. But here and now, it was perfectly clear. Her soft lips met his dry ones shyly, hesitantly. She was holding back. He could feel all her tensed muscles under his fingertips. His hand slipped in her hair, took the hair bobble off. Her hair cascaded on her shoulders. He closed his eyes, nibbled her bottom lip gently. Goosebumps covered the skin of his chest when it was uncovered and her tongue was suddenly in his mouth and his hand was going down his hip, and her fingers passed under his pants and boxers. And then, he lost it.

x

“Mind-blowing,” he panted. “Just what I was thinking.” Somehow, they had managed to reach their tent and to make love three more times. The time had been rough. His back was wearing the marks of the hard ground and rocks and maybe of Rose’s nails. There had been so much frustration and sexual tension between them, and her fear to lose him had been the spark that blew up their inhibitions. Her hand was resting on his bare chest. His skin was so pale compared to hers. He never exposed himself to the sun. Even when he was a Time Lord. Sleeping in his boxers was already an ordeal to him and Rose was always mocking his habit of sleeping with pyjamas when she only wore a tank top and panties. It was a nice thing to see that she was accepting her body as it was. Years ago, she was wearing oversized clothes. It was a sign of something. Or just a wrong fashion choice. Now, she was showing off her true self, showing her feminine forms. “Why haven’t you told me sooner?” “Tell what?” “That you wanted to cross that line.” “I thought you needed time to get used to this world. But it was something else.” She dropped a kiss on his shoulder and gave his chest a comforting stroke. She should have seen it earlier. There had been so many clues. Many clues she felt bad for not noticing sooner. She maybe could have helped him and now, what was he thinking of her? Was he mad at her for forcing him to get out of the closet? He loved her but he hated himself and she hadn’t made it any easy for him. The signs were there, they had been for years and she had been too blinded by the extraordinary life he was offering her to remark his uneasiness. “I’ve suffered from this for a long time. Since the Time War. Everything to punish myself.” “You don’t need to anymore.” “I’m still guilty. I’m in a parallel world but I’m still responsible.” “You were given a second chance.” “With you.” “Better with two.” She gave him another grin where her tongue was poking out and kissed his lips tenderly. He was hiding with his sleeping bag when Rose was just lying on hers. No one could see them. They were alone on that mountain top and the tent was closed. It was a reflex. Hiding. It was so anchored in his mind that he was doing it without even thinking about it. He sat up and pulled his shirt back on. His moment of freedom was over. His demons were back. Rose was watching him sadly. She wrapped herself around him when he was done. “You can count on me, Doctor. We’ll do this together. We’ll heal out wounds.” “It will take time.” Her hand found his cheek and she stroked his skin. He leant in her soft touch, put a hand over hers on his shoulders. It was small moments like this he had thought he would never have, moments like this he was getting with the human heart he couldn’t get used to. Being human had given him a freedom he could only have dreamt of before and he was wasting this chance with overwhelming wrong emotions. He had to free himself from his past demons and embrace a new life. He had to find his own way to happiness with Rose. “I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple weeks after I arrived in this world. I’ve lost my bond with mom, been turned into a Guinea pig, found myself lonely in a place I don’t belong to. I couldn’t see a therapist so I tried to fit in, tried to make friends. I’ve even dated a guy or two. It became serious at one point but…” She trailed off and her gaze stared blankly at the fabric of the tent. He noticed her hand going down on her naked belly. Was it a voluntary move? Or was she unaware of it? Many women were doing it without even thinking about it. It was a natural reflex for them. He recalled his large knowledge on humans and their subtle signs perfectly and this gesture was universal. You could see it on every planet of every galaxy out there. You could change worlds, change dimensions, the language remained the same. It was so anchored in every psychology that it just couldn’t fade away. It was the universal gesture to bring protection to a growing being. “You were pregnant.” “A miscalculation, a faulty condom. A simple mistake.” “You don’t want kids?” Her voice was devoid of emotions as if she was telling the story of someone else. She was just distancing herself from the events. That was the only way to prevent it from hurting her all over again. That’s an attitude he could understand. Himself didn’t have enough perspective on his situation. It was too soon. It would eventually come after a while. Time was different here. It wasn’t passing the same way than in the other universe. However, it wasn’t too much to take for him. As a former Time Lord, he had travelled to many places with a different passing of time. Consequently, it was one thing he didn’t have to worry about and that was a relief. “That’s not what I said.” “But you didn’t keep the baby.” “I didn’t want a child from a man I didn’t love.” There was an embarrassed silence for both parts after this admission. If Rose was thinking the Doctor wouldn’t understand her motivations, she was wrong and it deeply saddened him. He was the man she loved and a whole universe had been separating them. He had told her they would never seen each other again and she still remained faithful to him. She had been refusing to have a family of her own if it wasn’t with him. Meaning she would have died alone. Truly the worst loss all dimensions could go through. And obviously, the universes had thought the same since they found a way to bring her back to him, found a way to reward her for all her sacrifices. “And now?” “We have to take care of ourselves first.” “You’re right.” “And it’s starting from now.” On those words, she dropped a kiss on his lips and they lay back down on their sleeping bags for a long cuddle. Later, they covered themselves up and gathered around the camp fire to share their dinner. They stayed out for a while to watch the stars and determine where they would land when they would be able to. Making projects was their way to convince themselves that the future was gonna brighter for them. The best way to fight the bad vibes.

x

“I’ve got a surprise for you!” beamed the Doctor. He was just coming back from town where Rose had sent him to buy her a couple things – including the extremely confusing women’s period protections – and he had taken advantage of this little trip to stroll around town and have a look in the little shops. He loved little shops. You always found interesting stuff in there. Maybe useless, but interesting. “If that’s one of those ridiculous things you’ve found in a little shop, you can keep it.” He chuckled. Of course she would react this way. She had travelled with him for a while before they ended up here and she already had had to face this very human habit of his. The TARDIS was full of junk he was keeping in a special room and never using them in the end. Possessing them was just making him happy. But it was a real mess and they didn’t have the room to store all of these objects. “That’s a gift for you,” he retorted, offended. He wasn’t offended for real, he was just playing that part to be faithful to his self. It wasn’t because he was a mix of three different personalities that he couldn’t pick the one he was meant to be, and that personality had to be the one of the weary Doctor who had survived the War and was learning to love life again. “What kind of gift?” She was suspicious. She didn’t trust him. It wasn’t like he was making jokes all the time. He was never pranking her, not that he ever noticed. It was more in the pretty boy’s nature to be a sly fox. Not in his. But they had a shared DNA somehow so maybe he was doing things without realising it. He wasn’t remarking it either when he was speaking like Donna. “A gift you will like.” He showed up in the bathroom where she was preparing herself for the day. She had just come out of the shower. She had only had her underwear on and her hair was gathered in a towel that was twisted on top of her head. He leant on the doorway and observed her. He held a paper bag out to her. “First, here’s what you’ve asked me.” She took the bag from her hands and checked inside. She pulled out the period protections and threw them beside the toilet mumbling that it wasn’t there yet but that it shouldn’t be long. An idea that wasn’t pleasing her. Something he hadn’t experienced himself but he had an idea of how displeasing it was through the memories he had gotten from Donna. It was very disturbing to share memories with someone. “Looks like you’ve got everything’s right this time.” “I learnt my lessons.” “Good boy.” She put the bag down on the counter – what was left belonged to the kitchen and the bedroom – and kissed him tenderly to reward him for the efforts he was making in being a good human being. He smiled against her lips. “What’s the gift then?” “Curious you.” “That’s the reason why you love me.” “True.” He gave her a small bag from another shop. She raised an eyebrow. It wasn’t often that the Doctor was spending the money she was giving him, and even rarer that this ethic was allowing him to buy something for her with that same money. It was very light. She opened it slightly and pulled out a dark blue – a colour they usually called TARDIS blue – ensemble. It was a two-pieces bathing suit that went with a sarong. “I thought you might like it,” he shrugged. “That’s awesome. I’m gonna try it now.” She had no complex in getting naked before him. His eyes followed the lines of her curves from her neck to her bottom. He felt an irresistible envy to lay his hands on her and to stroke every inch of these curves she was showing him. He acted like a good boy though and kept his hands for himself while she was pulling on the bathing suit. She fastened the sarong low on her waist and turned around to face him. She gave him a bright grin and he couldn’t help but grin back at him. She looked wonderful. He raised his two thumbs in sign of approval. “It should be perfect for tonight’s pool party”, he told her. “You’re right. You’re still coming with me?” The Doctor awkwardly glanced at his clothes-covered body. He had said he would go with her to the pool party when they saw the poster in town but he hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that he would have to wear bathing trunks and only that. That was making him really uncomfortable. “I don’t think anyone will blame you if you wear long swimming trunks with a T-shirt. And if they say something, I’ll settle a score with them.” “This won’t be needed.” “No one can hurt my fantastic Doctor.” She giggled, he smiled, and things were decided. They would go to the pool party together but he wouldn’t get involved in activities that would force him to show his body in one way or another. And if he felt too uncomfortable, Rose and him would go back to the safety of their little house. Anything to heal their wounds at a convenient pace…

A suivre

The summertime of our lives © | 2019 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

← Last || Next →

English version:

AO3 ||TS.

[foxchandelier-blog]

Lysandre is actually a really scary villain if you think deeply into the premise of his character.

I’ve done a little bit of research on him already and have analyzed some theories + “evidence” that crosses between the games, the manga, the specials and the anime and, honestly, Lysandre is actually fucking terrifying if we assume his true personality is an amalgamation of all his counterparts.

I mean, for one, he’s really good at manipulating people. You can see this in a lot of ways but the most noticeable one is convincing rich people to buy into his weird-ass genocidal organization. Just thinking about that alone boggles the mind a little because he’s managed to get people to spend millions alone on just getting just a fancy suit and a “promised place in utopia”. 

For two, Lysandre has a lot of control over the Kalos region, more control than anyone should be allowed. Literally let me exist the examples of how much control he has:

1.) Lysandre has control Lysandre Labs - a company that literally doles out all of Kalos’s most advanced technology (a la Pokemon Generations episode 16) - and has made it so that many people likely depend on his services. And, as mentioned in the manga (though I don’t know if this is a games-related factor but I would assume so) Lysandre is a brilliant engineer who’s come up with a lot of this amazing technology, putting him in a place of power through his skills alone.

2.) Lysandre is friends with the Kalos region CHAMPION and REGIONAL PROFESSOR. He literally has them both admiring him and respecting him - a feat usually only reserved for the player character. And yet, all the while, Lysandre is using and abusing Sycamore’s and Diantha’s trust in him to do terrible things. So much so that Sycamore even admits in the games of how he was aware of Lysandre’s wrong-doings but was unable to stop him. 

3.) Lysandre has control over the news media. This is pointed out in the games, in the manga, in the anime, and in the Pokemon Generations anime. And, the consistency is really appreciated because this is fucking scary. Lysandre has the ability to control how people see him through the news outlets. By using Malva - who broadcasts news to most of Kalos’s people - as a biased outlet meant to make him look good, Lysandre can easily spread lies and deceit to get people to respect him. 

4.) I don’t really think this has to be said but Lysandre is very charismatic and a convincing actor. Even if you pinpoint him as the villain early on thanks to his garish design, it’s hard not to notice how everyone is in awe of him or how no one questions his motives. Lysandre is good at being liked, strangely so, and even if you feel an urge to hate him as the player character it’s hard not to notice the way many people in-verse treat him as someone to respect and be inspired from.

For third, let’s discuss the anime. 

The third reason that Lysandre’s so scary is due to his relationship with Alan in the animated version of XY/XYZ/TSME.

Throughout the duration of the show, Lysandre is very much a puppet master moving all his pieces into place. One such puppet is young Alan, a trainer who he’s manipulated and set into place like a toy on a string.

The first time Lysandre meets Alan, it’s actually kind of terrifying to think about. He meets Alan in the midst of ruins, battles him, defeats him, and then coaxes Alan into becoming his minion. Not only that but he uses Alan’s lone role model against him - using Alan’s love for Professor Sycamore to drive him away from the man and into Lysandre’s care only.

Lysandre abuses Alan’s trust in him as an authority figure and makes use of that trust in his favor. He uses Alan as his assistant in his plot, letting Alan think that he is doing good without telling a single lie to the boy. The man uses Alan without remorse, depending on his skills and prowess while also treating him as disposable if he becomes “weak” (as mentioned in TSME episode 4 when Lysandre notes “I don’t need weaklings”).

Furthermore, when Lysandre recognizes Alan’s fondness and guilt over Manon and her Chespin’s condition, he uses that as a tool to get Alan to continue collecting energy. While Alan is hurting over how his actions have caused his closest companions pain, Lysandre weaponizes Alan’s feelings by feeding him tales of “how he can save Chespie” if he just “collects Mega Evolution energy”. 

It’s terrible and it’s downright horrifying. Even as Alan’s obviously breaking down, Lysandre’s first thoughts are not to help the boy but to use Alan’s feelings for his own personal plans. He cares little for how Alan or Manon actually feel and, instead, chooses to use their unfortunate situation in a way that only truly benefits him.

It’s cruel and malicious, selfish and yet cold-hearted. Lysandre’s relationship with Alan is honestly really toxic. He controls Alan, cuts off his closest connections, and weaponizes said connections to put the boy under his control. 

For the fourth reason for why this man is scary it’s because Lysandre thinks he’s in the right and doesn’t think himself wrong. Lysandre’s goals, though seemingly flimsy in design and terrible in the game’s execution, get established in the anime as something almost...sympathetic. In the anime, though it’s only brief, Lysandre explains a little bit of his reasoning for his actions: a reasoning that I will paraphrase here to make sense for the context of his overall character.

His explanation is that he wanted to help people who were suffering, lending them his time, money, and charity in order to help them. At first, he was thanked and appreciated and everyone loved him for it. This was something that Lysandre arguably considered “beautiful”. 

Over time, however, he noticed something changed in the people he helped. They became greedy, wanting more and more of whatever he could provide. He was treated horribly because he could not provide what the people wanted. This, in turn, opened his eyes to the “ugliness” of humanity. He grew bitter, grew spiteful of the people he helped because they saw him as something akin to a tool rather than as a hero. 

This doesn’t explain how he developed genocidal tendencies, of course, but it does give a realistic background story that I can believe and yet somehow sympathize with. Lysandre wanted to help people. But, in doing so, he made them greedy. They wanted more from him, wanted him to do more things for them because of their “rights”, and this greed ultimately makes Lysandre start to snap.

Moving on, I think a lot of the inspiration for Lysandre’s deeply off-the-rockers  and genocidal maniac transformation lies in the real fictional story of “The Picture of Dorian Gray”.

In said story, the main character - Dorian Gray - comes to be inspired by the views of a man known as Lord Henry Wotton. Lord Henry believes fully in beauty as the only thing being worthy of being pursued in life. Taking up this view, Dorian Gray wishes that a painting of himself would age in his place so that he can pursue nothing but beauty and sensual fulfillment.

Taking this (very short hand) explanation of the plot in association to Lysandre, I think there’s a connection here. Dorian Gray, upon becoming smitten with the idea of endless beauty, seeks to keep himself beautiful forever. And Lysandre, who’s views of the world have warped into ugliness, seeks to pursue that beauty, wanting to rid the world of “ugliness” (human greed, “unworthy people”) so that he can keep the "beautiful” all around him (the “chosen ones”).

This ties back into the story’s themes of life and destruction. 

Lysandre seeks life to keep himself and the “chosen ones” beautiful, to keep Kalos looking as pretty as he feels it should. 

But, Lysandre also seeks destruction (or, if you’re like me, death) and wants to rid Kalos of its impurities (people who are “consumed by their greed” and “unchosen” just like members of Team Flare or people who fail to realize what beauty means). 

And, while pursuing the beauty of Kalos, he’s created such a mindset that only HE is in the right. He is the only person who realizes that Kalos is losing its beauty and, therefore, it’s up to him to make the world beautiful.

This is further pronounced in the XY manga. There, the ugliness of humanity is further brought up in the way the Kalos region reacts to tragedies. When a whole town is destroyed and left in shambles, those who did not experience the tragedy “shake it off” and “remain smiling in their day to day lives”. 

There’s a certain kind of ugliness present in this scenario. The people of Kalos who weren’t involved in Vanivelle’s destruction live on happily. They smile and carry on their day-to-day lives while ignoring the suffering of others. This shows humanity’s weakness: humans do not care for things that don’t concern them personally. It’s a gut punch kind of message because it’s honestly kind of true. Until something impacts a person personally, they won’t care for the misery of others and, instead, choose to go about their merry way while another person suffers the consequences of things like poverty, famine, war, etc.

And, in a way, it kind of makes you think Lysandre is right to want to retain beauty and to destroy anything that messes with that ideal. If someone isn’t beautiful - if they’re greedy or selfish or unsympathetic to the pain of others - than you kind of understand why Lysandre would want to get rid of those kinds of people. 

This is what makes Lysandre scary: you can sympathize with and even understand his thought process on a deeper level. He’s a genocidal maniac who’s too obsessed with beauty, yes, but there’s an underlying understanding of why he likely ended up the way that he did.

In conclusion, Lysandre is actually legitimately a terrifying villain and if he was a real person we’d all be really scared of him. He’s charismatic and manipulative and holds a lot of power in his hands. He can influence people and has control over how a lot of people as a result. His obsession with beauty, with correcting the path of humanity for its greed and impurities, not only reeks of real-life historical implications but also of realism too. 

Lysandre’s the kind of villain you would expect to see in real life, someone who, if stripped of his Pokemon-verse significance, would easily exist as a person in the real world. He’s cunning and knows how to take control. Not to mention that he’s rich and the kind of person who could easily hide under the kind facade of charity. Lysandre is a dangerous man, far dangerous than any first glimpse of him might suggest, but he wields power like a sword and has the ability to determine between life and death at a moment’s notice.