#without a need to constantly connect them is just so much easier than how youre expecting to speak

[ghostymarni]

didn’t want to grief post on this thread, so just venting here for my own piece of mind

digital holonet entry 112824 0714hours

I’ve been on and off coping as grief does, but after seeing that post about not thinking too long about crosshair just reminded me how much I’ve kinda been avoiding drawing him.

I know I recently had a similar conversation with Lupe about this. He will always be favorite overall, but my vision for cross has artistically changed so many times because I think deep down it’s a grief truth for me that I’m struggling with. I have so many crosshair drawings I never posted because they’re just SAD. I didn’t want to turn this to a depression blog so I refrained from posting or deleted those from here.

My husband passed this summer more suddenly than I’d like to think about. He was watching season 3 without me because I was too busy with work at the time. But rewatching it after he passed had me instant hone in on crosshair + connecting the loss of my husband with the loss of tech; which gave a different part in my grief acceptance + a secondary obsession with the brilliant minded clone. It’s a reminder to hold onto everything we created and did, + to always keep thinking about him.

Crosshair returning with his brothers + not having tech there feels twice as suffering knowing what their last interaction was like. And an even deeper personal meaning knowing I see my husband in everything. In our life around us, in how I choose things, how I respond to things. (Which we see + are reminded of that tech is apart of everyone he ever met)

Self regret that we didn’t have time to have a proper last moment. It just ended. Just because you choose to accept they knew you loved them, + vise versa, doesn’t make it easier than you’ll never have them around anymore.

Which with grief, digs the vibro-blade a little deeper because you never know when your last interaction with someone is.

watching how each of them take the notion of what tech would do, picking up where he would take over. I would imagine it would catch crosshair off guard, hearing tinkering to certain data pad beeps, only to look up + see Echo fixing something, or Omega typing away. Because I literally do this with sounds I associate with my late husband.

That feeling never goes away for a loved one. His brother, his batch twin. But omega is a huge part of that healing. And she has been a huge part in mine connecting her with my kid who isn’t giving up on me + needs me. Simple intended motions go such a long way. And the scene were they’re meditating hits hard for me.

Even more so when I’m constantly shaking out my own hand to keep it under control. It’s never easy when it hits, but every scene of cross trying to get his tremors under control, is something I do more often than I care to admit. I just have to keep going.

Not seeing tech with omega, is like realizing I won’t ever see my husband with our son growing up. He’s young, + it feels more unfair. And that hurts. Crosshair is such a dynamic clone + his guilt + hurt reaches out to many people in so many different ways. Which is why I can’t think too long about him either, but he will always be my favorite overall because I see him as me.

From grief, trauma, hand tremors, loss. (if I’m being honest, I’m pretty decent at shooting actual long range rifles) there’s so much to crosshair I personally relate to, and not just his attitude haha!

Crosshair didn’t see his brother fall, but he watched another brother die in his place. An older brother that taught him a lesson he didn’t realize he needed to know until it was too late. We confirmed that from his retaliation of shooting an imperial officer, + when they returned to the deserted base; he instantly moves to set up the memorial buckets as Mayday did. A reminder of the fallen, a reminder that they existed + lived.

A lesson I have to remind myself everyday.

So what I guess I’m also trying to convey, while I see myself as crosshair, despite the grief, the false fight some days, I’ve never felt so alone than having my soulmate gone. Going from a life of fun, banter, + life for granted, to solitude and what feels like isolation.

the clone community really gave me a second chance. At me. At reconnecting with myself, my art, my humor + wit. The friendships I’ve made + are continue to make really are giving me a new fight and a new reason to just keep going.

I never share for sympathy, I don’t want to be put in a “do not interact zone”. That’s the opposite of what I need or want. I just wear my heart on my sleeve + find comfort in just being honest about struggles + how we strive to move on.

as our boy hardcase (+ echo) quote, what I try to embrace:

“LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY”

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

fecto forgo has a point in speaking like that.much easier

[starzgaze]

Just a though rmb that time u made hae-in and Jinwoo fight for y/n? I just rmbered it randomly and I propose:

Hs Jinwoo and Hae-in both regressing and they're pining for Y/N who used to be a mage/healer/support for them.

Ur local hottest boy in school + The it girl and Track Running champion of another school fighting for y/n's hand

this has been living rent free in my head to the point ive unconsciously drawn it LMAO so art down below if u scrolllll

okay but this concept with an extremely mundane [name]?? hello especially someone who's just trying to get past school with average grades and average effort then maybe with a few volunteering here and there where it's coincidentally being the assistant for the coah in the track and field team.

[name] being known for helping a few people and having an affinity when it comes to patching up people and helping them so volunteer work is just light work for them so they didn't mind as much when the things they do during their time in the track and field team is tossing water to the runners and sometimes fixing them up if they trip or break an ankle. being part of the red cross club last year really helps in these situations.

then [name] meets jinwoo who's the new member in the team and someone who just suddenly transferred to the school, saying it was about his father getting a promotion and they needed to move places.

[name] believes this because everyone has their own situations but it was in fact jinwoo finally finding out what school [name] was in after a few years of trying to search for them then he transferred school, not caring if it's the middle of the school year. of course [name] doesn't know this.

then those two gets closer and jinwoo tries to charm [name] with silly jokes and impressive stamina and speed whenever he's on the field, leaving [name] awe struck. it was obvious to everybody else that the new extremely handsome hotshot of the track and field team had a little thing for the stupidly mundane volunteer who only took the job because they needed something for their community service hours.

just as about this man was gonna ask [name] out the coach of the track and field team announces that now on during after class practices another student from a different school will be attending their training program and blow and behold it's fucking cha hae-in much to jinwoo's dismasy.

hae-in isn't much experienced with this whole regression thing so she's less prepared compared to jinwoo but her persistence and determination just to see her sweet little [name] again what helped her pulled through and landed her here.

hae-in took the program through some connections and begging to her coach to let her train under a different school, claiming it will help her grow and the coach believed her because how can you deny your favourite athlete that's stupidily amazing in the sport? anyway hae-in successfully got into [name]'s school without moving in even if it's not the whole day, seeing [name] was more than enough for her.

that is until she saw her number one rival at the corner, hae-in compares him to a cockroach with how he can't leave her sigh and his sense of fashion that's constantly dark themed. she's low-key pissed that he's here, like just leave her alone and her cutie [name] that's not for him.

[name] spends more time with the two, now hae-in is in the picture. they would help hae-in whenever she would get a sprain and give her tips on what to do to alleviate the pain and get better asap before the regionals or take her out to hang out because it was easier being the same gender. jinwoo is fuminggg at this because it took him like months to do that and for hae-in it took like a measly few weeks?? that's so unfair

suddenly the two get into little competitions with eachother trying to impress [name] and of course they noticed but they don't believe that the two most sought after players in the school or even the region would have a thing for them, they're just good friends.

that drives them insane but it's okay one of them will make you realize it's more than that!! it's just a matter of time and effort you'll be in their arms.

btw imagine after school going out with the two and you guys eat at some street vendor spot then they argue who could pay. they get so distracted with arguing you just pay for yourself as you watch with the street vendor the two fighting.

[scarletttries]

Woo Jin NSFW Alphabet (Bloodhounds)

Pairing: Hong Woo-Jin (Bloodhounds) x Reader

Rating: Fluffy Smut

Word Count: 3.2k

Author's Note: As promised here is the NSFW Woo Jin Alphabet. I love these boys so much I might have to do some fluff alphabets for them too, and I think I'm going to do some Peacemaker and Stranger Things fluff alphabets too so watch out for those! I'm on holiday at the moment and am finding alphabets much easier to write than full fics so please feel free to request a fluff or NSFW alphabet with any character you might enjoy! :)

A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

A man who knows how to be charming, even when he's just rambling like an idiot, Woo Jin's aftercare involves a lot of talking. Be prepared for him to recap his top moments, ask your opinion on every little thing he did, making sure he knows exactly what to keep and what to change up next time to keep becoming better and better for you. He gets clingy too, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you flush against him, spooning you as he chirps excitedly in your ear about how amazing you were and how much he loves that he gets to do this with you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Woo Jin's body is a testament to the efforts he's put into it day in and day out, but he still feels surprisingly insecure for a man in such good shape, like no matter how strong he is, he'll always be surrounded by people that are stronger. Thankfully the first time he takes off shirt in front of you, maybe he's invited you to a boxing match for the first time, and you jaw drops, eyes racking over his chiseled chest and abs, he suddenly feels so much better (you can guarantee he won the fight that day.) From then on he'll find any excuse to take his shirt off in front of you, spurred on by the wanting way you lick your lips, knowing you'll be curled up against him in no time.

Speaking of your lips, Woo Jin can't imagine a pair could ever be more perfect. He was a goner the first time he saw you smile, and when you laughed at something he said? Heart eyes for days! The sound of you giggling at his jokes is his favourite in the world and every time you smile at him he feels ten foot tall. The first time he worked up the nerve to finally kiss you, he almost couldn't believe how warm and soft your mouth felt against his, an inviting feeling he now can't go a day without. And when you map a constellation of kisses across his chest, sinking to your knees to put your lips to work, well let's just say that boy has never been happier in his life.

C= Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Woo Jin isn't exactly shy once you're at the stage of sleeping together, and he absolutely loves feeling like he's marking you as his by cuming inside or on you. When you first start sleeping together, he's worried about finishing inside you, instead letting himself spill over your chest or stomach, quickly offering to help you clean up as an excuse to get to feel your skin even more. But when you first ask him to cum in inside you, the feeling of being buried inside you as you both cum together, well that might just be his favourite, feeling totally connected to you and as close to you as he possibly can. Sometimes he'll aim to get straight into a second round so he doesn't have to choose between being inside you or all over you.

D = Dirty Secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Woo Jin's got a big mouth that's always running, and a big appetite, and all that leads to him having an oral fixation when it comes to you. He could happily make out with you for hours, feeling positively obsessed with having your lips on his, constantly interrupting your day to steal a kiss if he thinks it's been too long. In bed he'll constantly give you hickies across your chest where only you can see, or if the pleasures too much he'll just barely sink his teeth into your shoulder, his mouth needing to feel you at all times. If you return the favour, biting and sucking on his neck when he's inside you, prepare to hear the most strangled moan of your name as he desperately fights back his immediate climax. He'll be praised you every second as well, telling you how perfect you feel, even when his mouth is full and you can barely understand a word.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

Woo Jin has a little more experience than Gun Woo, occasionally meeting women in bars and bringing them home for the night when he was younger. You'd be his first real relationship though, the first person he's wanted to sleep with again and again, and to keep impressing. He'll know enough from his previous encounters to make your first time together very special, but from then on his focus is learning everything about what you like, figuring out exactly how to make you cry out his name as loudly as possible.

F = Favourite Position (this goes without saying)

Honestly, it is probably just his head between your legs, watching your whole body shake as he makes you cum on his tongue for the second time today. But he also loves being behind you, wrapping his arms around you so you are pressed to his chest so he can keep cover your lips, neck, shoulders with his kiss while he fucks into you. He loves the strength he feels from being able to move your body around in bed, his muscles coming in very handy when he wants to pin you down and keep you exactly where he wants you, to make sure you feel absolutely everything.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Woo Jin barely has a serious bone in his body, his happy grin on his face in every moment you two spend together. He would throw out the most ridiculous compliments and praises when you're in bed together, the whole interaction so fun and lighthearted even though it clearly also means so so much to him. He'll be giggly and euphoric afterwards too, practically play wrestling in bed with you just to keep having a reason to feel you beneath him.

H = Hair (how well-groomed are they?)

Woo Jin cares a lot about style and fashion, taking a lot of care in the way he looks and always keeping everything tidy for you.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Woo Jin might not show intimacy in the serious way others would, but it doesn't take long for you to realise his lighthearted jokes and the way he messes around when he's getting undressed with you is his way of his being vulnerable and connecting with you on the level he feels most intimate at. He might try and be more romantic and serious if you wanted, but it's hard not to feel special when he gives you that goofy grin he doesn't get to wear very often and saves for his perfect moments with you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He's an excitable kind of guy, so Woo Jin's no stranger to his own company, entertaining whatever thoughts he can conjure - from the day you met, I can guarantee you that every image will be of you, he's just that obsessed. He'll definitely fantasize about you whenever you have to spend any length of time apart, getting easily riled up when he starts thinking about how much he misses your lips all over him.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

If you're into it, Woo Jin can enjoy getting a little rough and possessive in bed - he loves being able to pin your hands above your head as he bucks his hips against yours, asking you to tell you him that you're his over and over again. Boys definitely got a praise kink too, every time you tell how good he's making you feel he'll make it his personal mission to somehow make you feel even better. And oh my god if you called him 'Sir' in bed, that bit of marine pride would drive him absolutely insane.

Finally, if you agreed with it, I think Woo Jin would love to wake you up by going down on you, wanting you to wake up in the best possible mood, and feeding into his love of feeling like you and your body are all his.

L = Location (favourite places to do it)

Despite his attitude I think Woo Jin would mostly play it safe and have the most fun just sharing nights together in either of your apartments, where he can really take his time and feel safe to explore everything with you. The exception to that is when you come see him at Boxing matches, or even just training at the gym, he'll always want to show off for you, and gets all excited seeing you cheer him on, supporting him and thinking he can do anything - when he wins, he'll definitely sneak you into the locker room for a private moment so he can show you just how much he appreciates your cheerleading.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Honestly it would be a shorter list to write what you do that doesn't get Woo Jin going! As above, any time he sees you cheering him on or supporting him it definitely turns him on, your support making him feel so good and loved. The same goes for when he's able to make you laugh with his silly comments and jokes, it just makes him feel like you really get him and that he can be himself with you, every opportunity to be open and intimate with you one that he wants to really make the most of. It comes from a place of feeling a bit insecure in himself, like he's been a runner up his whole life and finally here comes you, making him feel like a winner and the luckiest guy in the world every single day.

N = No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)

We've established Woo Jin can get a little insecure and jealous, so he wouldn't want to do anything that would feel like sharing you with someone else, wanting you to belong solely to each other. Other than that the only thing that could really turn him off is if he thought you weren't really feeling it, your comfort and pleasure the sexiest thing in the world to him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) - oral fixation, tries to talk, vibrations work

This man lives to give. He needs something to occupy his mouth at all times, and there's nothing he loves more than putting his tongue to work between your legs, feeling you tremble at his touch, hearing you moan out his name and tell him he's the best at this. He's constantly telling you how good you look during sex, and that doesn't stop when he's going down on you, the vibrations from his non-stop monologue of flirting teasing every nerve in your body. You'll see flashes of that cheeky smile as you tell him you're ready for him to fuck you, but he just shakes his head and tells you he's not done yet.

He'll be eternally grateful when you return the favour too, the moment your tongue meets his tip maybe the only time in his life when his mind is blank and he finally stops talking - only for a moment before the praises spill out again amongst pants of your name, and confessions of just how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) - face/rough/energetic

Woo Jin is an athletic and agile man, and that would carry through to the bedroom. He's so excitable that it's like a whirlwind as he rips off clothes and covers every inch of your body in his kisses, pace frantic and rough when he's finally inside you. Sometimes he'll slow it down though, when you roll on top of him first thing in the morning or he comes home from a particularly long day, drained and looking for the comfort of you slowly riding him as he spends the whole night chasing your lips with his, arms wrapped around you so you never get too far away.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) -

Woo Jin is so obsessed with you that sometimes he just needs a quickie; he knows you only have ten minutes before you need to be out the door to meet your friends, but he's been craving you all day and he feels like if he doesn't get to feel and taste you for another five hours it might just kill him! He's strong enough to press you up against the nearest wall, wrapping your legs around his shoulders so he can taste you before he brings you to his waist and pounds into you mercilessly, making sure you're both satisfied but you still get to leave on time - even if your legs feel more like jelly than you would like.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Despite having lived an incredibly dangerous life (with some very close calls) Woo Jin has learned nothing - he will take any risk and experiment in any way you suggested if you asked him with a smile. He wouldn't necessarily be the one to suggest something new, but he'd definitely take the risk of being together in public somewhere if he felt like he really needed you.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Woo Jin trains to bounce back quickly in the ring, between rounds of boxing, so he's always ready for a round two pretty quickly, never wanting the moment between you two to end.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He wouldn't own any toys himself, but if he ever found out you had a vibrator he would beg you to let him use it on you, absolutely mesmerized by your reactions to its touch. He would definitely want to introduce it to your sleepy morning sex, just to help you wake up in the happiest way.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

It takes one look at Woo Jin's devilish smile to know this man would be the worst (and best) tease. He'd love touching you oh so gently and watching you react, joking about how badly you need him when he's barely even done anything. Lives for making you beg for him to actually fuck you, teasingly saying he thinks you're not ready and need him to make you cum again on his fingers. When he's feeling particularly mischievous he loves being able to pin your hands and straddle your hips, taking his sweet time sliding into you and watching you squirm, unable to move your hips to hurry him along.

When the tables are turned however, he is an absolute baby. He gets so pathetic when you make him wait, if you hover him with your entrance just out of reach, chuckling at his attempts to lift his hips to feel you. Very quickly starts pleading and begging for you to touch him, telling you how bad he needs you because only you can make him feel this good.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Woo Jin has a big mouth, that never stops running - his moans are loud from the minute you shift onto his lap until his final thrust, interspersed with the a long stream of the sweetest words you could ever want to here, praising everything about your body, your personality, your soul and the way you look and sound and feel around his dick. Even afterwards the compliments don't stop coming until he's fallen asleep for the night.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for this character) - constantly has you on a facetime call when he's out living his life, even if it's all day - > phone sex.

Even though it's inevitable that sometimes you have to spend a little bit of time apart, Woo Jin views missing you as completely unacceptable. So whenever he has to be away from you, he'll start a video call with you and just talk to you all day while he's out living his life, like a little one person vlog. He just wants you to see everything about his day and know exactly what you're up to, even if the call has to last all day. Any time he's in his little apartment alone and you can't come over he'll get you on his phone, propping you up so he can see everything you're doing and vice versa.

It wouldn't take too many weeks of this constant company before one night he starts pleading about how much he wishes you were sleeping over, and you can see him subconsciously palming himself through his pyjamas. So you'd slip your camisole off your shoulders and ask him exactly what he'd be doing if he was with you right now, his eyes bulging wide at the realisation that this is actually happening. Now if you're apart he can't sleep without touching himself over the phone to you and telling you all the ways he wants to make you feel good when he sees you tomorrow.

X = X-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)

Woo Jin's pretty tall and muscular, so every part of him would probably be a bit bigger than average ;)

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Woo Jin's craving for you is relentless, most of his waking moments filled with thoughts of your beauty and kindness, and often that translates into wanting to please you and feel you. If you ever made the slightest suggestion that you were in the mood, he'd be immediately ready to go, but sometimes all he wants to do is cuddle up with you, resting his head on your lap while you play with his hair, or having you lie against his chest while his fingertips lightly trace shapes on your arm - it's all wonderful quality time for him.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

It tends to be the two ends of the spectrum for Woo Jin - half the time he'll be immediately unconscious, the other half he'll be so excited about having a great time with you that he'll be buzzing with energy, playfully rolling around with you in bed and smiling ear to ear as he pours out every thought he's ever had and tries to learn absolutely everything about you.

[bunnysnuff]

Camouflage.

Pairing: Nick Nelson x M!Army!reader.

Trigger warning: none.

Request.

Nick sat on the edge of his bed, fingers twisting the corner of his pillow, lost in thought. His phone buzzed beside him, and he glanced at the screen to see a message notification from you. The guy who had turned his life upside down in just a few short months. He hadn’t expected to fall for someone so quickly, but from the moment you two met during an end-of-summer football game at the park, there was a connection—a spark that felt inevitable. You were smart, kind, and a year older than Nick, and being around you made everything feel brighter.

But then you dropped the news that changed everything: you had enlisted in the army and would be leaving for basic training in a few weeks. Nick could still remember how his stomach twisted when he heard you say it. He admired your bravery, but the idea of you being away—potentially in danger—felt like a weight pressing on his chest.

He unlocked his phone, the notification still lighting up the screen: Hey, I’ve only got a few minutes. Call me?

Without a second thought, Nick hit the call button, his heart pounding as the phone rang in his ear. It barely rang twice before you answered.

“Hey, Nick,” you said, your voice soft, quieter than usual but still carrying that calm steadiness Nick had come to love.

“Hey,” Nick replied, trying to keep his voice steady despite the emotions swirling inside him. “How are you? You doing okay?”

There was a pause on the other end, and Nick could hear the faint background noise of the barracks—a world he was still struggling to understand. “I’m alright,” you replied, though there was a weight behind the words. “It’s just... a lot. But I’m managing.”

Nick bit his lip, trying to hold back the questions, the worry. He knew you were strong, that you could handle whatever was thrown your way, but that didn’t stop him from imagining every worst-case scenario. “I miss you,” he said softly, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

“I miss you too,” you admitted, your voice warm and genuine, but tinged with the same sadness Nick felt. “I think about you all the time, especially when things get tough. It keeps me going.”

Nick smiled despite the ache in his chest. “I wish I could be there with you, or that you were here with me.” He paused, running a hand through his hair. “I hate this, you know? I hate that you’re so far away.”

“I know,” you said, your voice gentle. “But it won’t be forever. Basic training is only a few months, and then I’ll get leave. We’ll figure it out, Nick. We’ll make it work.”

Nick nodded, even though you couldn’t see him. He believed you because he had to. “What’s it like there? Are the other guys okay?”

“It’s intense,” you said with a small laugh, but Nick could hear the exhaustion in your voice. “The training’s tough, and there’s not much downtime. But the guys are decent. A lot of them are going through the same thing, you know? Missing people back home.”

Nick exhaled, wishing more than anything that he could be there to help somehow, to support you through all of this. “I wish I could do more for you,” he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper.

“You’re doing more than you know,” you reassured him. “Just hearing your voice... it makes everything a little easier. I know it’s hard, but I’m going to be okay, Nick. I promise.”

There was a beat of silence, the weight of your words hanging between you both. Nick wanted to believe it—needed to believe it—but the distance felt unbearable some days. “Just… take care of yourself, alright? I’m not there to kick your ass if you don’t.”

You chuckled, a sound that made Nick’s heart skip a beat. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve got your voice in my head constantly reminding me to be careful.”

Nick grinned, despite the knot in his chest. “Good. Don’t forget it.”

“I won’t,” you said, your voice softening. “I’ve got to go soon, but I’ll text you when I can, okay?”

“Okay,” Nick whispered, not wanting the call to end. “Stay safe, alright?”

“You too, Nick. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The call ended, and Nick stared at the screen for a moment, the silence of his room rushing back in around him. He placed his phone beside him, lying back on his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling. The ache in his chest hadn’t lessened, but hearing your voice gave him hope. Even though the distance was hard, Nick knew one thing for certain—he’d wait as long as it took. You were worth it.

[oleander-nin]

This is for the follower Special!

Rise Donnie

6. Jealousy

1. “Well that wasn’t very smart”

Romantic, maybe Reader is jealous because Donnie has intelligence for what they wanna be smart with

Idk I'm doin my best sifusufd

A/N, not important: Sorry if I made it too sad, I tried not to. This was very fun to write, and I liked it a lot. Thank you for participating in this special! Any criticism is welcome, constructive or not. This is supposed to be a gender neutral reader, so if I screwed up somewhere, please tell me.

-Ollie

Tw: jealousy, feelings of not being enough, talking about your emotions, hand holding, bad writing, barely edited

Words: 2159

Prompt(s) requested: 6(Jealousy) & 1("Well That wasn't very smart.")

Summary: Donnie notices somethings wrong, leading to a small talk about your jealousy of his intelligence and your feelings of unworthiness.

The door to Donnie’s lab beeps once before the light turns green, notifying my allowed entrance. The door opens with a quiet hiss, my eyes admiring his lab in awe once more. I close my eyes, sighing. Everything in here was so… Advanced. It was incredible, Donnie had made things current scientists couldn’t even dream of. And he did it all on his own, no teachers, no mentors, just him. I couldn’t help the bite of jealousy in my stomach and I did nothing to stop the guilt that soon followed. Loving Donnie was easy, with his cocky attitude and his bright eyes. He was passionate, a true scientist. A Genius. He was so much better than me, and it killed me a little more every time because I knew I would never match up to him, never be able to stand on the same ground as the man I loved so dearly.

I sigh, moving further through his lab until I saw him at his computer, working his fingers off once more. I smiled sadly at the bags under his eyes, the fabric usually skewing them from view being set off to the side along with his goggles and wrappings. I move to sit in my usual chair next to him, watching as he works through his code. He glances at me, smiling softly before returning to his work. We both sit in silence for a while, the sound of his fingers typing and the ever present hum of the technology around us filling the empty space between us. It was nice, the familiarity of just existing by his side, no need for us to talk. We only needed to be near each other, and that was enough for us both.

“How long have you been up?” I ask softly, watching as the code flys across his screen, taking mental notes for my own projects later. I may never be on his level, but I could at least learn from him. He was brilliant and I was simply someone watching him succeed from the sidelines, hoping one day I could work alongside him. I’d leave the actual engineering to him though. I never did like building bots and such, coding them was much more fun.

He hums noncommittally, his fingers hesitating for only a second as he thinks. “Just since this morning. I need to get this done soon. I promise I’ll sleep once I’m finished, okay?” His voice is soft, his eyes not leaving the screen. I didn’t mind, this is how it always went. I wouldn’t want to stop either if I was him, if I could do the things he could do. My brain never made the right connections, the pieces never snapping into place. 

"Okay. As long as you promise. You know I worry." And worry I do, unable to think anything without constantly checking to make sure he was okay. He looks exhausted, his purple hoodie draping over him, the sleeves bagging at his elbows from his pose. His hood was up, most likely to try and muffle the sounds of his lab. His legs were crossed in his gaming chair, his back hunched even more than usual. I wondered how his back could even stand it, how his posture was so good otherwise. Maybe the curve of his shell just made it easier to manage. I’d have to ask him later, when it wasn’t so late. When he wasn’t so busy.

A line of code I didn’t recognize catches my eye, a call I couldn’t figure out. My eyes scan the screen as I lean on his desk, my eyes scan his computer, trying to decipher the line's purpose. My eyes narrow as I frown, unable to make the proper connections in my brain to understand it. I grumble a bit, pointing at the line. Donnie stops for a moment, looking at me. He was always ready to explain, ready to waste his time on talking me through something he found so simple, something that was as natural to him as breathing. He waits patiently for me to ask my question and I can’t help but feel like I was proving how beneath him I was, proving how every thought my mind made up was true. “What does this part do?”

I listened intently to his explanation, my head resting in my arms on his desk, curled up in the chair that was almost solely occupied by me. His explanation was clear, scrolling though his hundreds of lines of code to show me what parts it tied back to, talking of the parts he needed to add to make it completely smooth. My mouth was set in a smile, admiring his passion for the science of it. I ignored the pang in my chest, ignored the way my heart craved to be the same, to be able to match his intelligence. Even if just for a day.

“I wish I could do this as well as you.” I say, my voice is quiet due to the time. It was late at night, when my visits usually were. Donnie would text and I would show up, never wanting to miss a moment I could spend by his side. Donnie glances at me, his fingers finally leaving his keyboard as he turns his chair so he could face me. I sit up a bit, my elbow off the desk as I set my hands in my lap. Donnie scans my face, his lips pressed into a line. I scan his back, trying to decipher what he was thinking, to take a look inside his head. Maybe he was trying the same, to try and look into my thoughts, to read me without needing to ask for clarification. Unfortunately for us both, we couldn’t read each other's mind, couldn’t dive into the deep abyss that was our subconscious without taking the time to ask.

“What do you mean? You’re getting so much better at coding and I thought I was helping. Did something happen?” His eyes hold a kindness I never understood, one that should have never been directed at me. I couldn’t help but feel as if he would be better off with someone more on his level, someone who could match him pace for pace. Donnie was the brightest star in the night and I was just a mirror, stealing his light and passing it off as my own. I wanted nothing more than to be like him, my fingers itched to code the way he did. So seamlessly, completely flawless. Most of it had been from years of practice, but the way his brain just… Clicked with the code. It made me all the more envious. 

I shrink slightly, his words weighing me down. I didn’t want to feel this way, not about him. It wasn’t fair. I should be nothing less than ecstatic towards everything he does. There shouldn’t be this disconnect in my brain, it was all so straight forward. He was my boyfriend, my best friend, and my favorite person in the world. I hated feeling jealous because I wasn’t mad about his success, I was just… I wanted it for myself, to be able to have it with him. I wanted to be just like him. “No no no no no, of course you’re helping! I just… I’m not progressing very fast.”

“Of course you’re not. This stuff takes time dum dum. You can’t rush this.” His tone is very matter of factly, his smile wide as he relays the information. His eyes scan me once more, pupils shrinking as they narrow. His fingers tap on his desk, my body shrinking under his unrelenting stare. “Something’s wrong. Spill. According to Mikey, communication is key to all relationships and I’m not letting you leave until you talk.”

I huff slightly and he just raises an eyebrow muscle, waiting for me to talk. I run my fingers through my hair, slumping back in the seat. Knowing it would be pointless to lie or argue, I spill the beans. “I have been a bit… Jealous of you lately.” I admit, not meeting his eyes. Donnie waves his hand in a circular motion, prompting me to continue. “You’re so much smarter than me and it’s just… I can’t help thinking about how you’d leave me for someone more on your level. I just want to be as smart as you, but I’m not.”

“And you didn’t come to me with this, why exactly?” He asks, his arms crossed over his chest. I pat my thighs awkwardly, still not meeting his gaze. He was upset, that was obvious, but I didn’t know how to explain my feelings in a way that would make it all go away. I wanted nothing more than to be normal about his success and not have so much jealousy over his accomplishments, but the feeling remained.

“I uh… I thought you’d get mad, and I didn’t want to risk losing you over some stupid way I felt.” I admit, rubbing the back of my neck. I stare at the floor, rocking the chair back and forth to try and let off some of the energy coursing through me. My fingers danced across my legs, tapping out nonsensical rhythms to accompany my shame.

“Well that wasn’t a very smart way to think.”

I look up at him, his eyes still narrowed at me and his lips pull into a small frown. I chuckle nervously, not sure how to respond. He was right but I felt like I would be dragged to Mikey if I said the wrong thing. I really didn’t want to wake the poor guy, he was always grumpy in the morning. “What?”

Donnie sighs, pinching the bridge between his eyes. He takes my hand and brings it to his chest, holding it above his heart. "Hear that? As long as that beats, I'll love you."

His face is stern for just a moment, not having fully processed his words. As soon as his words sink in, his face slowly goes red. I let out a small laugh as our hands interlock, swinging side by side in between the chairs we sat on. Donnie had pulled the strings of his hoodie tight, covering his face as he sank into his chair. I squeeze his hand lightly, grinning at the sight. His head shakes a bit, loosening the strings so he could look at me once more. His face is much less flustered now, his cheeks only slightly tinged in color. He clears his throat, looking into my eyes and squeezing my hand back. "As cheesy as that was, my point still stands. I don't want you thinking like that. You may not be as good as me yet, but I truly believe you can catch up soon. If you want to, that is. Plus, you’re much better at other things than I am. I can’t talk to people like you can, and you’re much more in tune with your emotions.”

I look at him, smiling warmly at his words. “Thank you,” I say sincerely, squeezing his hand once more before letting him go. "I really needed that."

Donnie puffs out his chest proudly, beaming. “Of course! This just proves I am the superior boyfriend! Now if you could just let me record you saying that so I could shove it in Leo's face, I would be very appreciative." His words hold a small tease in them, a smug smile on his proud maw. His face softens again, patting the arms of his chair. “I am going to ask you to talk to me more often about this, okay? I don’t need you thinking I’m going to leave you just because you can’t keep up with me tech wise. Do you understand?"

I nod, sighing. I pull my knees to my chest in the chair, puffing out my cheeks. "Yeah, that's fine. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You told me what was wrong, and now it's going to get fixed. I have no reason to be mad." He turns back to his code, pulling my chair closer to his. He starts to type again, settling back into his own little world, me by his side. I lean on the desk once more, watching him instead of the screen. His eyes were focused, lighten up by both his own mind

and by the light of the screen in front of him. I could see the reflection of the code in his iris', lines upon lines being written in mere moments. My eyes close, a large smile on my face as I settle my head in my arms.

“I love you.” I mumble out, starting to fall asleep to the soothing tapping of his keyboard. My heart flutters in joy when I hear his response.

"I love you too, you dum dum. Go to sleep, I'll be here when you wake."

[cuppalevi]

𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲'𝐬 𝐂𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐚 #𝟒 | 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢

Today's Cuppa is cuppalevi's feature fanfic recommendations. See Cuppa Collections for list of fanfic recommendations.

april 27 2024

this is a levi x reader x erwin fanfic that shook every part of me, body and soul. one of my favorites (i feel like im bout to say that to every fic i feature in today's cuppa hehe) that i steadily anticipated every update and cried when the last chapter was released.

shinzuoing, u absolute incredible writer. the antics between the three of them, between levi and reader, between levi and erwin, and between erwin and reader— brought this story so much life. a relationship that's so messy yet fulfilling, enough yet not, indenial but evident. god. with every chapter i always look forward to what these three will do next and how their story will play out during canon events of the show.

the intimacy between learning each other's boundaries and limits, all the while playing this back and forth juggle of feelings that they so desperately try to hide as they face imminent dangers of their world. its a steady build to developing trust and reconciling with prior conflicts.

you get constantly plagued with thoughts of "huh?!" "oh my god!?" "YES?!" "FINALLY?!" "NOOO?!?!?" the next thing u know ur pressing next chapter after chapter because u cant get enough of this incredible intense connection on these characters.

shinzuoing has also published a spin off to which ive linked below too, one that im currently subscribed to because i cannot get enough of these three. they also have a oneshot series set in the same universe but can be read as itself. both of which are definitely worth checking out if u loved this is a story of the sea.

edit may 21 2024: I JSUT FOUND @shinzouing on tumblr FJAFNKAF im sorry for this sudden tag i just need you to know that you are such a talented writer and this universe you made is one of my roman empires <3

Content: canonverse, threesomes, angst, grief, sexual content, pining, yearning, more tags on ao3

Status: completed

𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙖 by shinzouing

You and Levi have a truce: when sharing Erwin’s bed, (almost) anything goes. You both want him too much to let your years-long feud stop you. But after reclaiming Shiganshina, you have to decide: how do you two keep going without your fulcrum? Is there anything left between you—and were you the only one keeping your true feelings secret? Caught up in memories and grief, it becomes clear that the only way to move forward is to do it together. (from the serum to the sea, and everything that came before.)

Status: incompleted

𝙗𝙚𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙖 by shinzouing

Despite a years-long feud, you and Levi have a truce: when sharing Erwin’s bed, (almost) anything goes. You both want him, and this arrangement is easier than sharing your real feelings when Levi so clearly doesn’t want you. But after reclaiming Shiganshina and the three of you closer than ever, can you really keep pretending you don’t want Levi? And the way he’s acting, are you the only one keeping your true feelings secret? Between the survivor’s guilt and the challenges ahead, it becomes clear that the only way to reach the sea (and beyond) is for all three of you to do it together. (or, this is a story of the sea, if erwin had survived at shiganshina)

Status: completed

𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙤𝙗𝙨𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 by shinzouing

©cuppalevi on tumblr / icon by yomu do not steal / header by me

[yuri-is-online]

Popping in with another Tokyo Debunker theory, so sorry you have to deal with me but I literally have nowhere else to go with this ;;;

This theory really is more of a shot in the dark on vibes alone but I just saw the Janitor in ch3 and idk if it's same face syndrome but I felt he looked strangely similar to Dante? I don't know if it's just me, but anyways, for some reason I feel like he's the Ed that Rui keeps talking about (accidentally killing) and was wondering what if he's the one Alan killed and not Dante? Maybe Alan mistook him in the heat of the moment, could explain why he wasn't dead since Rui's dialogue implies they're able to bring him back to life somehow. There really isn't enough info on this but couldn't help but think about it.

Also how is Haru such a mom to the anomalous creatures and yet so shady at the same time (casually putting trackers on Ren? Picking locks? Hello??) and seeing that I have to agree I do think he might've transferred from Sinostra, it'd be a way to connect Jabberwock to the next arc possibly too

My dearest friend, I am not "putting up with you" I am receiving your lovely thoughts and adding some of my own. You can come here and chat, we can keep filling up the Tokyo Debunker tag together. I do apologize to my twsties though, I promise I am not abandoning you.

Rui seems fully convinced that his curse will kill anyone who touches him, especially MC but he is much more casual about how he talks about "Ed" to the point I am almost curious if he is talking about a person or a dog. I lean towards person because he complains about him leaving his socks everywhere and not him constantly stealing his, but him being the janitor is a good guess. Now as for Alan having mistaken him for Dante:

While they do look similar to me personally it is closer to the similarity between Hyde and Sho than it is them being identical:

Who are of course related, so it could just be that Dante and the Janitor are also related. It would add to the friendship between Dante and Hyde if they both have brothers enrolled in the school, Hyde really seems proud of Sho and clearly has bragged to Dante a lot. It would be funny if he does that because Dante is in the same boat. What I personally think is that, based off of the Janitor's hair color and cut, he is likely the dorm captain of Obscuary as pictured here in the loading screen:

The dorm leader has lighter tips to his hair just like the janitor and is familiar/comfortable enough to talk casually with Haru who is another dorm captain. If that's true then I do not think Alan, who would be very familiar with Ed, would have mistaken him for Dante. We also need to consider that Dante is in a wheelchair, I don't think someone who tries as hard to be respectful and accommodating as Alan would mix up someone who can walk and someone who is in a wheelchair, unless that is something new for Dante this year and he was able to function without it last year σ(￣、￣=)

When Haru declared lock picking as one of his special talents I almost died laughing he is SO SKETCHY. He is also trying to run a business, something that Sinostra also does and since Hyde is the advisor for both dorms I think transferring between them would be relatively easier than say, transferring from Hotarubi or Frostheim. Come to think of it both cases of transfers we have seen so far have been (potentially anyway, we don't have confirmation about Haru yet) between dorms who have the same advisor. Something that could explain why it seems easier in Tokyo Debunker than in Twisted Wonderland.

Oh back to Ed/the Janitor for a moment. Obscuary seems to be themed around death, and seems to run a bar that might be themed around vampires? Or just super goth in general. Either way I think his ability to come back to life might have something to do with his stigma and the way it interacts with Rui's curse, but we don't know enough about him to make a specific call just yet. I'll keep my eye out for more information and you are more than free to come here and talk about more of your theories, my anon friend.

[that-dreaming-dragon]

Beyond Identify-As

It is a known, observable fact how much the alterhuman community focuses on identify-as identities. Even more so, largely nonhumanity gets the spotlight. It is a frustrating thing for human adjacent or humanoids folks, and even more frustrating for those with non-identify-as identities. Even heartedness is talk about as an afterthought.

The circles I frequent in doesn't have as big of an issue. Or perhaps I myself don't see it right away due to me constantly hopping between spaces. I think partly is due to that very need to have more than nonhuman identify-as focus.

On a personal level, all of my alterhumanity are in some way intertwined. Even if one of them may or may not standalone, it isn't long before it all link together for one factor or the other.

At some point, I didn't understand how anyone can have distance from their kinself.

And for the ease of wording, I'm going to use otherkin as a sort of collective referral to therian and fictionkin identities. Apologies therian and fictionkind folks. They are, after all, the same on technicality, just with different area focus.

Now, with so many new discovery about myself and me learning alongside my fellow community members, I can grasp how there can be the distance some may have with their kinity. But beyond that is also this realization just how much there is this emphasis of identify-as nonhuman within the scope of alterhumanity. As someone who's come to learn about the many layer and personal connection with my various adjacent identities, these are treasured. I cannot talk about my draconity without bringing up about myself (kinity), my headmates (daemonism and median plurality), my past life (kardiatype), our mess of not quite something vagueness with Aurelion Sol (vaguetype), and this weird relation with Flammie (flicker). But oh wait, from there is even more connection towards my other identities, from the Mew paratrope, to the enfield heartlink, which is also tied to the Naruto hearttype, that may or may not have something going on with the ninja archetrope. I basically tied all these up with my nature of being a Bond Weaver archetroper!

My point is, I can no longer talk about my otherkinity only, without bringing in a whole bunch of other area of alterhumanity.

It boggles my mind just a bit sometimes how some people stick to just the identify-as aspect of their identity.

I theorize that it is due to identify-as identity being the most straight forward, and in some way, the simplest to think and talk about compare to other alterhuman concept. Take for example, otherhearted identity is largely a concept that on some level, understandable, but the feeling of it is very hard to comprehend or articulate at times. Ten different people have eleven different answers. There is a level of irony with me saying this, because usually folks will tell you if you ask what otherkinity is, there will be more answer than there would be answerer.

Perhaps it's the concreteness. It's easy to say "I am this, this is me, I identify as this" because you know what that means. To exist, to live, is being, is identifying. Well, I'm stretching a bit at the last part. But existences is a constant contemplation of "what and who I am". Maybe even before alterhumanity, we learned to focus on the core self identity. The "I". It may not be easier, but it can be more direct to feel what you are feeling, versus trying to figure out if you are even feeling anything about a character that you identify-with (as a example).

Or maybe because it is the starting point. A lot of the times, folks get introduce to alterhumanity via otherkinity. Sometimes they stick to just otherkinity and never move beyond. I don't think that's final. Self discovery and journey is like that, eventually you will encounter things on your path that veers off, or random happenstance that made you pause and contemplate. Maybe someone find new kin identity, or maybe they find new ways their identity works that is beyond identify-as.

But tying back to the first two theories, I speculate that it is more likely for people to gain more kintype, than it is for them to gain more other alterhuman identities. There's only so much spoon for so much things. And maybe choosing to spend those effort thinking about what's already there and seen more prolifically around the community is just easier than say, trying to figure out if one is performing a role based around a literary trope, or if a past life is not in fact a identity at all but something foundational.

Of course, for folks who are interacting in larger community spaces, the likelihood of encountering those that are more "advanced" in the alterhuman journey means they are more likely to get introduced to concepts beyond the identify-as. It gets the thinking process started. Even if you don't end up with new identity, you gain knowledge, comprehension, and new perspectives to look at things. Before you know it, your world view is expanded, and maybe the next time you encounter a different concept, you can connect with that more than the last one.

Not to say that those that stick to a single place cannot expand their alterhuman identity "roster", identity is a ever shifting thing, sometimes new understanding are created, invented within a small community.

Though that can also easily lead to echo chamber or group thinking, and may potentially create ideas that has been long established in larger communities, or create without enough consideration of the possibility of more than identify-as. Which may or may not also perpetuate the whole focus of otherkinity and nonhumanity when colliding with the larger community, or vice versa where newcomer come into contact with these smaller, closed off community yet settled and never step foot outside ever.

Extra end note: I know I put more attention on just identifying-as instead of identifying as nonhuman. But I figure it still gets the point across, and sort of touches upon the issue between all three major types of alterhuman area (the nonhuman, the animalistic, the fictional).

[lene-loki]

Time After Time

Y/N keeps her traumatic past a secret from her closest friends but when Karen invites her, Matt and Foggy to dinner it gets harder for Y/N to conceal her eating disorder in front of them.

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Female Reader

Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorder, childhood trauma, child abuse, angst, anxiety, eating struggles, depression, self-destructive behaviour

It's not proofread yet so please excuse any mistakes! ❤️

Growing up in an abusive household, you persevered the self-destructive mannerisms into your adulthood which you were taught by your parents as a child.

Even though you were already working on some of your issues with a therapist, some of your habits just seemed to stick to you like glue. You couldn't control it and no matter how hard you tried to overcome what's been bothering you the most, you mostly felt like giving up.

Something that was so natural and important to every living being on this earth, a completely normal task in every day's life, was your biggest challenge to face.

Just thinking about it made your heart beat faster and your hands sweaty in panic. Everytime you got confronted with it, even if you just got a tiny whiff of it, you had to fight not to give in to an unbearable demand of your body to throw up.

You felt ashamed that it made you feel this anxious as if you were going to fight a lion in the raw wilderness but what made you this distraught was something so harmless that it almost made you laugh about your sheer fear of it.

Eating.

It wasn't that you were scared that food would hurt you in any way, but still you were connecting pain with eating. It all resulted from a complex trauma you had to endure in your childhood.

Your parents were cold when it came to showing love and affection. They were hard on you, more than your soul could bear and now you were a young adult with more problems to ever catch up on and unable to build a life fitting to your age. On some days you still felt like you were a child - constantly overwhelmed with things every normal adult handles on their daily basis without a breakdown.

But the most prominent damage that stuck with you was your eating disorder.

Since you can think you had to ask your parents for permission to eat something. You always had to wait until they finished eating and had to hope that they would leave something for you but in most cases you had to go to bed with an aching tummy - starving to the point where you couldn't move a single muscle anymore from pain and being too weak.

It's all in the past now and you would think that now that you were an adult and have broken off any contact with your parents as soon as you went to college, you would live your best life - eating every meal your parents forbid you. But it resulted in the direct opposite.

You developed a fear of eating due to your disturbed eating habits your entire life. You were raised with the feeling that you needed permission to eat. That you weren't allowed to eat. That you didn't matter enough to get a plate too.

And this issue has been anchored up so deep inside of you that you were on some nights starving yourself on purpose, because you felt like you weren't allowed to eat something. For example when you made a mistake at work that resulted in you and your colleagues fighting that you felt not worthy of food.

When you opened up about these issues to your therapist for the first time, you remember that she in all sincerety told you that you have the permission to eat whatever and whenever and as much as you want. And you remember that these few words brought you to tears. Because it was unfortunately reality that no one has every said these words to you because for most of the people it is something self-evident. But still you were struggling with eating three meals a day and portions appropriate for your height and age.

It often resulted into a panic attack whent it was time for dinner again and you just got used to it being much easier to just skip the meal entirely and hunger the whole night than to face your fear. You were constantly living on the edge. Too weak, mentally a wrack, always in pain whether it was just a headache or a slight dizziness, never fully present and never fully rested. And the cause of all of this was just your disordered eating. You tried to make yourself clear, that when you started to regularly eat and it doesn't matter what, you just need to eat something, than your body and your psyche will heal. But you couldn't force the improvement. It was all part of the long process you had to patiently accomplish to really see a milestone.

Now given, how utterly complicated this simple task was for you, you were absolutely horrified when your colleague and close friend Karen Page invited you and your two other friends and colleagues Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson to dinner at her place.

She just shortly moved into a new apartement and wanted to invite you all for weeks now. For weeks you dreaded the day where the dinner took place, trying to come up with excuses to not appear but in the end your conscience forced you to go.

Your friends didn't know about your eating disorder.

It wasn't that you didn't tell them because you didn't trusted them, it was rather that you were so deeply ashamed. You were scared that they would start seeing you in a different light - a negative kind. And since you were raised with cold-heartedness, a part of you expected everyone around you to not care about you. You didn't wanted to assume that about your best friends, but when you didn't even matter to your own parents then why would you matter to them?

And these were just some of the reasons why you kept everything you felt so close to yourself.

Right now, you were sitting at the dining table in Karen's apartement next to Matt. Your hands were shaking and you could practically feel every drop of blood draining from your face as you fought against a nausea in fear of having to eat. However that wasn't the only reason why your heart was racing in your chest. No matter how hard you tried to fight it, you couldn't deny that you were in love with Matt and had been so for a while now. But you would never act upon your feelings and tell him - because you weren't good enough. And you'd never be.

You were your own worst enemy.

Talking yourself down like this on a daily basis and just assuming that no one would consider you to be worthy. These were the thoughts you weren't able yet to tell your therapist because you even felt this turmoil against her. That you weren't even worthy to be her patient.

And just like that it was all coming back around to the self-destructive mannerisms you were taught in your childhood. You always came back full circle to your trauma and you desperately wanted to escape this hamster wheel you got put in.

"I tried something new tonight." Karen said proudly with a hint of nervousness as she emerged from the kitchen.

She placed a heavy pot on the table with steam blowing out of it in to the room. Foggy immediately let out a sound of pure ardor and began licking his lips as if he hadn't eaten for months.

You on the other hand buried your hands in your lap to try to keep them from shaking so hard - worried anyone could notice it.

Too weak, since you hadn't eaten since the previous day's lunch (because you were so afraid of this dinner), you couldn't bring a single muscle in your body to even show a tiny smile to Karen.

You just sat there without an expression on your face, only half present in the moment and praying that no one would notice that you literally looked like a dead person.

But of course they saw it.

"Are you okay, Y/N?" Karen asked immediately oncerned about your appearance as she sat down in front of you.

"Y-Yes." You shook your head too fast which resulted in you getting a bit dizzy. "Okay." Foggy said elongated, not even the tiniest bit convinced.

"Really." You tried to assure your friends and thankfully they let it go - although your voice could have been another hint that nothing was alright with you.

"Well" Karen put on a big smile after the akward tension, "I made chicken with vegetable pasta and tried a secret ingredient." She announced jittery in excitement.

"Oh!" Matt grinned. "I love secrets."

Foggy agreed laughing while you suddenly felt the prickle of tears building up behind your eyelids.

Everyone was so cheerful and happy, Karen had made such an effort in decorating the table with candles and the expensive napkins we normally can't afford and in cooking a whole dinner for us - but you weren't a part of this wonderful moment your friends shared. Maybe you were physically there, but mentally you were completely emotionless. Which somehow made you want to cry even more.

Foggy put food on his and Matt's plate and it was suddenly all too overwhelming for you, when you slid back with the chair and excused yourself to the bathroom while standing up.

You tried to get yourself together and to overcome the desire to cry.

Locking eyes with your reflection in the mirror, you were begging yourself to at least try to eat a fork full of pasta.

When you felt stable enough to go back, you left the bathroom.

But the moment you sat down, the restlesness inside of you reached its peak again and your whole body clenched itself together. You were suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to vomit as everything started to spin around you. But you couldn't just go to the bathroom again after you just came back a minute ago.

"Y/N?" You heard Matt softly beside you. He had his face turned into your direction and even with his glasses on, you could tell his face was scrunched up in concern. "Yes?" You asked almost completely breathless.

"Are you sure that you're alright? I can't shake the feeling that something is going on with you."

It was heart-warmingly for you that he might seem to care about you but it also made it harder for you too keep yourself and everything you have been hiding together.

"No, really, everything's alright. I'm just a bit tired from work today. That's all." You tried to justify your behaviour and looks.

Foggy immediately furrowed his eyebrow.

"Tired from work? From doing what? We have literally not a single client." He laughed at his last remark. "That's not true, Foggy." Matt started to argue as he took a bite of chicken into his mouth.

"We have this nice, old man as a client. What was his name again? You know from the case against his neighbour a few months ago. Which we won." Matt added.

"You mean Mr. Pattinkin?" Foggy asked his friend in disbelief.

Matt nodded in confirmation.

"He's dead, Matt." The blonde lawyer stated matter of factly which made Matt curl his lips. "Oh. I forgot." He admitted meekly.

"Like I said. No clients." Foggy repeated and focused his attention back on you.

You have become so dizzy by now that you saw your cutlery twice.

And suddenly everything went incredibly fast. Before you could even register what happened to your body out of the blue, Matt jumped from his chair while Karen and Foggy screamed your name in horror.

You lost all balance and started to tilt from the chair - your consciousness drifting away from you.

Matt thankfully reached you before you fell to the ground, his hands were protectively wrapped around your upper body and he softly supported your head since you were too weak to hold it up yourself.

Foggy and Karen came running around the table but everything was a blur to you and their voices sounded muted to your ears.

The starvation of yourself and the high adrenaline level the entire evening from your anxiety had finally made your body collapse.

But the more you were situated in Matt's embrace with your cheek pressed against his warm chest, the more your stress level sunk.

You were hungry for so much more than just food.

But you still felt so uncomfortable and nauseaus, that you whimpered into Matt's dark-blue shirt.

"I'm putting her on the sofa." Matt announced to Karen and Foggy since you were too weak to respond to anything and still didn't quite realise what was going on. With a frightening ease, Matt scooped you up from the chair into his arms and carried you to the little couch in Karen's tiny living room.

As you lay there on the furniture, you needed to blink a few times to recognize your friends standing around you. Slowly the blurry silhouettes became clearer and you were met with six incredibly worried faces.

"I'm getting you a glass of water." Karen said as soon as you locked eyes with her and disappeared in the kitchen.

"No, it's okay. I'm already feeling better." You lied but you didn't wanted to be a burden to your friends any longer and you were feeling utterly ashamed of yourself again to show weakness like this.

If your parents would have been here, they would have sent you to your room in an instant without a chance of you getting a bite of the dinner for the rest of the evening.

You abruptly stood up with the image of your parents in your mind, how they disappointingly shook their heads at you.

Before you could take a step, you already lost all your balance and started to fall forwards - but yet again Matt came to your rescue.

You were still preparing yourself for the unavoidable impact of your face with the ground, when you felt his strong arm around your stomach from behind - holding you in place with no chance of stumbling.

He didn't hurt you, he held you softly with his arm around you like a border. You couldn't fall as long as Matt was there right behind you and for the first time in your entire life you felt completely safe.

The feeling of continuosly dancing around the edge of a cliff disappeared with such a force that you couldn't control the sob that escaped your mouth. Never has anyone made you feel this safe and protected before and no one has ever given you the stability you always needed physically and mentally but right now in this moment Matt gave all these things to you with an self-evidence you hadn't known before. He made you feel like you were worth of being sheltered and ... loved. If you thought you had a crush on Matt before, you definitely loved him now.

Your shaking hands gripped onto his muscular arm that he had still wrapped around you while your tears kept flowing silently out of your eyes and dropped onto his sleeve.

You knew your way to healing was still far away in the distance but with Matt you felt like you finally reached the beginning of this very difficult journey.

But you know in your heart that as long as you have friends like these you can make it time after time.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Easy street is a choice you make every now moment to decide you're going to have more grace and compassion for yourself and to choose a life going downstream letting the energies from the Universe support you every moment you open up to receive. A decision to go within and fine tune the frequency you wish to be on. A choice, to not want for anything to be here and now, to relax and exist without guilt, without fear of the unknown constantly creating and receiving from the vortex.

Life on easy mode looks like life becoming easier because you know and understand how reality works, how the Universe works. It becomes easier and easier when you understand that you are apart of the collective consciousness and your thoughts do not come from your own head. Think of thoughts and ideas like the wind spiraling above you, do not take them as your own unless you like the idea. Remember it's literally an opinion, a thought, an idea, it holds no power over you. If you like the idea then keep it, if not, do not attach yourself to negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.

Drop it, it does not belong to you. When you realize you have a limiting belief and program within you telling you it serves you to be guilty, shameful, anxiety ridden, sad, depressed, a victim, lacking confidence etc. You will shine your light on these limiting programs and beliefs perpetuating these thoughts that are not the truth. It is only catastrophic thinking that is an illusion and not the truth of reality only false realities feel bad. If it feels bad it's an illusion. The true reality is always unconditional love, joy, bliss, peace, and no pain.

When you realize physical pain originates from repressed emotional pain stuck in your body and that you don't need pain pills or substances outside of you to numb the pain but instead to feel your emotions, feel through the pain and it will be released. When you are living on easy Street, you understand and you intellectually know that whatever you see in front of you is serving you a higher purpose. When you choose a life on easy mode it is so much easier to be disciplined because you know you're making life easier for your future self therefore making them appreciate you more. When you are living on easy mode you understand you don't need to suffer or overwork yourself and become a shell of ourselves for anyone, any God, any tradition, any false belief, anything outside of ourselves.

We understand that life and reality is one big cosmic joke like the truman show and we understand we're in a simulation. We don't take anything too seriously because it's just an illusion. We understand that life becomes easier because life makes more sense because we know our only job is to be ourselves and work with the energies we're receiving. We're constantly dealing with the collective consciousness, we're constantly transmuting their energy, their pain,their grief, their sadness,their resentment, their anger, and their depression.

We do not need to carry anymore burdens placed on us that do not belong to us. We understand our feelings are like the ocean and being dropped into the deep sea of the collective consciousness emotions, and we need only get back in our boat, our bodies, our true self, our avatar and release and cleanse out the emotions out of our physical bodies. We need only hold compassion and love for them and their disheartening realities from afar because we know we're always connected to each other.

When life is on easy mode, you understand that the Universe and your body is working for you and not against you, you know that by stopping yourself, catching yourself in a negative mood, thought, feeling or limiting belief does not belong to you and you instantly stop. Reset. Remember it's an illusion, it's lying to you and has no power over you. You are one of the few percentage of people on Earth that know this truth. You can shift instantly to your preferred happy state of being for no reason at all. Other than that's how you prefer to feel as often as you like.

Don't stop yourself from beautiful moments. Milk those moments. Don't stop yourself from bliss and ecstasy, get deeper into it and embrace the drunken bliss state. Understand God/Source is taking care of you. When life is set to easy mode you understand you are going against God/ Source by working a job you do not prefer/ down right despise. You are going against God by thinking your precious energy needs to be wasted at a place that doesn't appreciate you or really see you.

You don't need to prove your worth to God. To anyone. You need to realize and remember your worth and follow your heart's desires, your dreams are real. You don't have to be perfect. You're always forgiven. Life is on easy mode when you expect miracles everyday and understand you are taken care of by the Universe. Learn how to ask for the things you need, demand and command them to you. Work smarter, not harder.

You're worthy, you deserve it, your energy should be conserved and treated like gold. Everything is always working out for you. Breathe, breathe, breathe and relax. You're not at the bottom of the hill and then running to chase, struggle hard to receive your desires. You're standing at the top of the hill and watching your desires chase you. You don't chase you attract on easy street.

You're the luckiest person in the entire Universe. You're a very powerful human because you know you're not a victim to your circumstances and you create your reality and have control over which reality you shift to. Just believe the opposite of any fear based belief and believe and breathe to receive. You are not being judged for not having enough faith or patience by God or any higher dimensional being. They just want you to open up and receive all their love, compassion and instant forgiveness for not having patience with yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you want to know what makes you really powerful? It is your ability to feel, to go within yourself and to feel what is going on with you internally and the feelings of others. To manifest your desires you have to be connected with your emotional body, that means it is okay to cry and to feel very deeply.

You deserve abundance, you deserve peace, you deserve real love. I promise you are doing everything right. Just relax more without guilt and literally treat yourself like the most powerful, beautiful, abundant, glowing magnificent being that you are. You are a dream, you are your own dream come true. Celebrate yourself and create. Get ready for more peace wherever you go. Remember you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now just live on easy mode now and get ready for your new life on easy street.

[sophieinwonderland]

I'm curious, are you aplatonic(spec)? Your story is very familiar, especially feeling like no one knows you, not knowing how to maintain relationships or what to say, ghosting people cause it's easier, not feeling like opening up.

I realized that I was just making excuses by saying that I am shy and I need time to warm up to someone. Blaming my social failure on trauma and depresson and autism. In reality I don't feel attachment or love. At best there's some faint intrigue towards a being, but not enough to warrant a steady friendship. I'm just not build for it.

Admittedly I do feel lonely, but I can't make myself feel a bond to a different vessel. I've tried, time doesn't improve it. Being shown affection just makes me want to flee. It's all empty and umcomfortable. So many things I'm expected to reciprocate that I'm not capable of.

I don't know... Honestly, this is the first I've heard of that term.

The thing is, when I first became self-aware, I wanted friends. I needed that social interaction and to talk to people outside of our head. And I did feel like I genuinely connected with people and enjoyed sharing things about myself with them.

I did struggle maintaining relationships too even back then, sometimes going weeks without responding to people.

I feel like my blog made it worse though, because it became a substitute. Anything I would have told friends before, I could announce to the world instead for content. And then telling the same things to friends made it seem like I was just repeating myself. And I didn't know who was following my blog of my friends, and if I told them what they already saw on my blog then that felt weird for some reason. Which yes, I realize is stupid.

So I had less time for my old friends, was second-guessing myself more, and felt like talking to the world was easier than talking to individuals.

And slowly, the friends I had who I really let in to see me fell away.

Then I didn't really connect as deeply with the people here.

I... feel like I chose a blog over these old friends I connected with and cared about. Because this felt right. It felt like this was what I was meant to do. My purpose.

I know that sounds silly to say, that my purpose in life is running a blog. But I wanted to raise awareness and help people who were like I was, who could live a fulfilling life if given a chance but might not even know they're real. And they deserved that opportunity. What I'm doing here feels like it's my calling.

And I have helped, haven't I? I've been able to answer questions about plurality, compile research, give advice to new systems, and spread awareness. So it feels worth it to me most of the time.

Did I feel as bonded to my friends as strongly as other people are? How could I possibly know that? But... maybe not quite as much. I don't know. I still wouldn't call that aplatonic since that feels like it would imply a complete lack of being able to form bonds with people which I know is untrue.

And... even though I'm not opening up to people here, and sometimes feel like an outsider, I do genuinely love the community here.

I define a friend, a true friend, as someone you can completely open up with and be yourself with. Someone who would see you for who you are and care about you anyway. Maybe that's too strict of a definition and a lot of people's friendships are more casual than this. But that's the type of bond I feel like I've been missing.

But I've bonded with the people here, even if it's from a distance. I'm continually amazed at everything orange-orchard-system manages to do for plurals here. I enjoy seeing Fenmere's posts about their own plurality because it's so different from what we experience and constantly gives me so many new things to think about. The Cambrian Crew have always been such a strong pillar of the community. And I've loved watching the Badeline of the Moonpool System grow into who she is today, running the incredible Protecting-Tulpas blog. And there are so many more.

I may not use the F-word with most of these people because I feel like it implies a deeper sort of connection that I find lacking.

But I do still care about people. I still cherish the interactions from my mutuals. I love seeing their posts and their perspectives.

And it's hurt to lose people along the way.

I don't think it would hurt to lose people if I didn't form attachments to them.

Aplatonic doesn't feel right to me.

[momiji-bookhouse]

Hey there! I don't know if this is how it works but I would like to request kazuha with windwhill aster for your spring event 😍 not sure if I should add something else but yea lol

[Windwheel Aster]: "Where to?" "Anywhere, as long as it's with you."

Event Masterlist

pairing: Kaedehara Kazuha x gn!reader

genre: hurt/comfort

Farewells are never as simple as a single goodbye.

It often signifies a transition, a step into a new phase in a person’s life that may mean having to change everything that they have known thus far. It may be something uttered in silence, carving into the person’s heart and fusing itself until it can convince them that this is how things are supposed to be. 

Kazuha is no stranger to the silence. From the moment his mother took her last breath while holding his soft weight in her arms, to the day his father joined her over that golden bank — where the bonsai leaves never wilt, where the flowers will bloom forever. The day his last name was reduced to a sharpened blade and a wandering soul, to memories of sublime lightning and pouring ash.

They settled into the blank spaces between his words, burned themselves under his silver tongue. Though people say that time heals all wounds, no healing ointment or blessed water could make it go away, or any easier.

But it was never his intention to leave without saying goodbye to you.

You deserve more than a measly written letter that could not adequately express everything he wants to say to you. You’re more important to him than a few honeyed words that could only glaze the surface.

But everything happened so fast. Crackling thunder. Blinding lightning. The smell of charred flesh and soot. The wind howling his name.

The next thing he knew, he was stowed away on a boat heading towards Watatsumi Island, where rumors of a rising resistance bubbled all the way to the Tenshukaku. The time that he spent with the resistance was not long by any means, but it was enough to build long-lasting friendships and cement his reputation as Inazuma’s most wanted fugitive.

During that time, he was hesitant to even send you a note of how he was doing, in fear that the Shogun’s army would get their hands on it and connect you to him. He would never forgive himself if even one strand of hair on your head was touched. Thus, even when the guilt ate away at him and his nightmares echoed with the sounds of your accusations, he held out.

It’s only when he was secured a spot on the Crux, implored by his friend Gorou, and reassured many times about the trustworthiness of the messenger did he finally decide to send you a letter about his situation. He knows it could never replace being able to see you in person, but a part of him was afraid that just one look at you and he would never be able to stomach leaving you behind.

But you deserve more than a life in the shadows. You deserve a life without worry, to be in the sun and not have to constantly look over your shoulder, to have someone beside you whenever you need them. Everything that he couldn’t give you.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t stop his heart from aching and his stomach from closing on itself as he stands on the deck of the Alcor, eyes fixed in the direction of the place he left behind, where he unknowingly put a part of his soul in the care of your gentle hands.

“Up-anchor in a few minutes!” One of the sailors shouts and the last of the preparation pick up speed. Kazuha reluctantly leaves his post to see if any assistance is needed from him, all the while the truth of the matter hits him harder than lightning off the shore of Yashiori. He’s leaving everything he knew behind; his homeland, his way of life, his friends, you.

You, you, you.

He wonders if you’ve gotten his letter by now. Would you be reading it under the shade of your favorite tree? Would you cry or curse his name as you read the words that he had so desperately poured his heart into?

Surrounded by all these noises, all these people, and he has never hated the silence so much.

Then...the sound of footsteps that stirs the ground, quickly pounding onto the wooden bridge that leads to the ship. It’s resilient and familiar, a sound he can recognized even in his hazy dreams. Kazuha whips his head around, crimson eyes wide with alarm and every breath of air knocked out of his lungs when he realizes that it is indeed you.

Abandoning all thought and reason, he races over to your side amidst the confused and indignant cries of the crew on board. He meets you just as you take a step onto the deck.

“(Y/N)!” Kazuha cries out. “What in the name of all that’s divine and celestial are you doing here?!” He clasps your shoulders, worry lines creasing his forehead as he sees you struggling to breathe, your knees buckling as if you just ran all the way from Narukami to Watatsumi.

“Got...your...le...letter.” You struggle with every intake of air. “Had...to see you!”

His body turns cold, like someone just dumped a bucket of seawater on him. When he sent you that letter, he never thought it could prompt you to make the journey so quickly.

“Kazuha.” The captain’s voice drops down an octave, her eyes narrowing in annoyance at the fact that a stranger just boarded her ship. “Who is this?”

“Captain Beidou. This is (Y/N), a very dear person to me.” He softly takes your hand in his and squeezes it as a sign of comfort.

“I’m sorry for barging like this, Captain.” You speak up. “But there’s something that I absolutely must say to Kazuha. It’ll be only for a moment.”

Her ruby gaze roams over the both of you and the air seems to be charged with electricity. It’s enough to make even the toughest squirm, and he quickly understands her reputation to be true.

“Go towards the bow of the ship,” she finally says after what feels like forever. “And be quick about it.”

“Yes, captain.”

He gently tugs you to the front of the ship, where thankfully there’s barely anyone to disrupt the private moment. Kazuha has so many things he wants to say to you, things he buried in the dark, but when face-to-face with you in the silence, his tongue suddenly feels like lead.

“Were you really planning to leave without saying goodbye?” You say in a tiny voice, hurt interwoven into every syllable.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I know the letter wasn’t enough. But I couldn’t risk the army connecting me to you.”

You sigh, the sound weary and tired. “For days I agonized over questions I have no answers to. Where did you go? What happened that day? Are you safe? Or are you...” You choke on your thoughts, the remains of it like poison on your tongue. “I was so confused and scared. So scared that the next time I walk the streets, there would be terrible news waiting for me. I know why you had to leave, but still, you're a terrible, terrible man for making me worried like that."

"I'm sorry. Believe me when I say that I wanted nothing more than to let you know where I was and how I was doing. But I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to you if they happened to intercept my letter.”

“I get it, I do,” you say. The quiet stretch like a suffocating blanket. “...Are you...really going to leave?”

He nods, slowly and heavily. “I have to. It’s too dangerous for me to stay here. Not with this in my possession.” His hand goes to the lifeless thing tucked in his kimono, its coldness like dead weight. 

Your eyes glaze over as you look at the object, no doubt remembering it when it was pulsing with life. “Then...I’ll go with you.”

He snaps his head up at your statement, eyes becoming so impossibly wide that you fear it might pop out of his head. “W-what?”

“I’ll go with you,” you stand up straighter and say with more resolution.

“(Y/N), you can’t!” He hurriedly takes a hold of your shoulders. “I can’t let you do that.”

“And why not? Less you forget, Kazuha, I’m also a traveler.”

“But this is different! This...” How could he make you understand? “You’ll be uprooting your entire life, you’ll be leaving everything behind. You may never see Inazuma again.”

One of your hands reaches up to cover the one holding your right shoulder, your eyes lowering as you look at him. “Kazuha, I wouldn’t travel all the way from Narukami to here, risking questioning by the army, if I wasn’t ready to do all that? I’ve said all of my goodbyes, even to those who aren’t here anymore. But saying goodbye to you would surely break my heart.”

He swallows, heat prickling at the corner of his eyes. “What if something happens? What if you come to regret your decision?”

“I would rather endure all the waves and storms by your side, than look at the moon and wondering if you’re looking, too.”

The next breath that he exhales is heavy, like it holds everything his heart has hidden. “Okay.” His forehead gently connects with yours, the tendrils of his white hair caressing your cheek. “Okay.”

Of course, that’s not the end of things. The next step to do is to convince Captain Beidou to accept another person on board.

The aforementioned captain stares at you meticulously, causing a cold shiver to travel down your spine, after hearing your request.

“I can vouch for (Y/N)–” Kazuha speaks up, but he is quickly cut off by a wave of her hand.

“Have you sailed before?”

“Yes, multiple times when I travel with Kazuha. I have never been on a ship this size before, but I’m a quick learner!”

“Can you clean after yourself?”

“Yes!”

“Are you willing to take any orders and risk yourself in any situation?”

“Yes!”

“Do you like to party?”

“...yes?”

“Then welcome aboard, (Y/N).” Beidou finally gives you a smile, and you feel like something was lifted off your shoulders. “But I must warn you, if at any point I feel like you can’t handle a life at sea, you will be asked to disembark at the nearest port, got it?”

“Yes captain!”

When it was finally time to raise the anchor and set sail, you and Kazuha find yourself peering over the deck, the sound of crashing waves like a song as you watch the only place that you’ve ever known become farther and farther away from you.

Kazuha intertwines his fingers with yours, and though perhaps you should be a bundle of nerves right now at the prospect of leaving everything you have known behind, your heart is as tranquil as the clouds floating above.

“Hey,” Kazuha turns around to admire the way the wind caresses your hair. “Where do you think we’ll go from here?”

“Oh Kazuha. Anywhere.” You rest your head on his shoulder, a content smile blossoming on your face. “Simply anywhere.”

[shakti-soul]

Whatever form of spiritual guidance and healing you gravitate towards - psychic readings, reiki, sound baths, wellness retreats - it is meant to be used as a tool to add on to your own wisdom. It's meant to compliment your own knowing and intuitive sense of health, it’s not meant to become a dependence.

When you start to feel unbalanced because it's been too long since you've had a reiki session, or you can't make a big life decision without consulting your tarot reader, you've lost the point of these tools. You've outsourced the work of the spiritual journey.

These tools are here to aid and guide you, to help clear the fog on your path, not carve out and determine the whole path itself.

The core of what you need to be balanced and thriving is a strong connection to yourself; your own body, mind and spirit. These practices are here to bring you back to yourself and your own equilibrium.

I've noticed people around me saying things like -

"I just won't feel relaxed until my Mom's visit is over, then I can see my reiki guy." "I wish I had the money to book this wellness retreat and finally heal some stuff." "I have to book a session with my reader so I can figure out what to do."

I get where they're coming from. These things do help. It is much easier to meditate and be zen after a reiki session; wellness retreats have a huge impact on healing; and a good reader can absolutely help guide your decision making process.

But if you're constantly looking outside yourself for solutions, what happens when those solutions aren't available? How much are you strengthening your spirit and your own intuitive know-how?

In my experience, a good spiritual practitioner knows that you already have the solution within you, they're just here to help move along the process to get there. You don't need them. You absolutely can do it on your own. The tarot reader who taught me actually has a rule: no more than 3 readings a year with her, otherwise you are relying on her too much.

If you notice yourself seeking external solutions every time some friction arises, maybe it's time to step back and take a break. Be with yourself in periods of silence and see what unfolds from that.

[loquaciousquark]

Tav questions 3, 7, 13, 24, please and thank you!

13 and 24 were answered here and here, respectively, so I've slid ahead to 17 and 25, the next unanswereds!

3. Did your Tav receive any formal or informal education? If yes, how well did they learn? If no, why not?

She received an excellent formal education until her parents died. She was always a little hard to wrangle into the books - she'd much rather be with her friends - but she was reasonably capable and they wanted her to learn. After they died and she killed her aunt, she learned the rules of the street very quickly.

Tangentially, part of the reason she's a slow reader is that I think she lets her mind wander constantly; she's literate, but distractable, and she'll skip paragraphs at a time and wonder why something doesn't make sense. This is part of why the Headband of Intellect is literally life-changing for her; so many previously alien connections and inferences become suddenly effortless for her, and even when she would benefit more from other items she never takes it off. She's not dumb without it, but so many logical leaps become so much easier with it on, and she deeply enjoys that facility of intuition.

7. What circumstances led to your Tav becoming their Class/Subclass?

For the record, Tavish is a Rogue Thief with the Criminal background. When her parents died, her mother's sister took her in. They lived in her childhood home for a few months, then sold it and moved back to the aunt's house in the slums. The aunt was very bitter about having to take in this sad child, so she roped her into her cons and schemes, swindling the softhearted of the city whenever possible. Sometimes Tav was the face of the con, pleading sadly for help; sometimes she was the hands (she feels VERY protective over Silfy), though she was never as good as her aunt wanted her to be. This is when the aunt sold off most of Tavish's family's belongings and wasted the rest of her inheritance on liquor and [insert moderately ruinous Faerunian drug here].

When she was fourteen, her aunt came at her in a drunken rage, and Tav shivved her with a kitchen knife. She hid the body and lived in the shack as long as she could until taxes came due, around six months, and then when they repossessed the house she fled to the streets. This is where she picked up her survival skills and decent Charisma, though she'd prefer to avoid detection in the first place. She had a small group of similarly aged children she ran with here, mostly other orphans and refugees. No burglary work if she could help it either - strict pickpocketing and occasional begging - but she wasn't good enough to get into the Guild and as her friends improved one by one, she was left behind.

17. How good of a liar is your Tav? How do they feel about lying?

She's a good liar, though her persuasion is better. She doesn't have any compunction about lying as a concept, though as the game goes on, the lies she tells for strictly selfish reasons twinge more and more on her conscience, especially against innocents. She'd rather be honest and just persuade you to give away your belongings than deceive you into it; in her experience, people tend to be a lot less willing to employ the Fist to chase her down for the former.

25. How does your Tav feel about what others think of them?

Initially, she only cares as an academic exercise in getting what she needs; people are more likely to be nice to her if they like her, so she does what she can to be liked. Later, especially with Wyll and Karlach, she finds herself desperate for their approval (they're so Effortlessly Good and it's been a long time since she's been around anyone like that), so she engages in a lot of performative altruism to make sure they like her. She's surprised herself when she starts really caring about the gratitude from the people she helps in the process.

Post-game, unless it's Astarion or one of her friends, she doesn't care at all what people think. The pendulum actually swings too far in this direction for a while, with her almost deliberately shutting out anyone not in her "circle;" it's not until Karlach gives her (and Astarion) a good talking-to about making other, normal friends like Fitz that she goes to a bit more of an effort to genuinely connect with others. I'm not sure how many friends he ends up with outside their group, but she does develop some, and she makes sure to put effort into those relationships over the years. (This includes one of her childhood friends, a girl named Juniper, who grew up to become Lady Ague in Ninefingers's Court.) It's a much healthier dynamic than what she's used to, honestly, and in a lot of ways it's a positive influence on everyone. Thanks, Karlach! :D

[adelarsims]

This is Zach, a bad guy with a good heart. Uni dropout, smarter than others think, and kinder than he tries to let on.

He's rude, swears a lot, has a short fuse but is crazy loyal to people he's close with, surprisingly nice to elders because he had a grandma that loved him and was kind to him even when he behaved like shit, and back then he wasn't always kind to her so now he feels bad about that, he's really good at math, makes arm jokes that make people uncomfortable, and his go-to playlist is actually softer than you'd expect.

He's 27 years old. Closeted bisexual slightly leaning towards men without really thinking of it more than of just a good friendship (he emotionally connects with guys easier and needs a bit more time to warm up to a girl), plus he's not really romantic in general to reflect on these feelings too much. His best idea of romance is sitting on a car trunk somewhere in the middle of nowhere and eating junk food together, trash talking each other, laughing loudly and bumping shoulders.

Zach trivia:

he despises people who pick on someone way smaller or only when they outnumber someone. pick someone your own size, assholes!

there was one shy guy in school who considered zach a kind person and his friend, despite zach being a troublemaker and constantly picking up fights, and despite the fact that they didn’t hang out and barely ever talked, because when this guy talked and others started to talk over him, zach yelled at them to shut the fuck up until the guy could finish the story.

he listens to music a lot but pays more attention to the rhythm than to lyrics. lyrics can be good or a complete trash and he will still listen to it just the same if the beat is right.

about arm jokes: like when he's asked what time is it by someone who doesn't know about his arm, and he lifts his left arm up, as if he’s going to look at the time, and says, “oh shit, i forgot my watch at home”. he also uses expressions with words "hand" or "arm" in them (like "i need a hand" or "it will cost me an arm and a leg") unnecessarily often, precisely because people usually awkwardly avoid using these words around him.

he also makes up all kinds of stories about how he lost his arm, like "the shark bit it right off while i was surfing in Sulani"

but at the same time, he hates when people recognize him by missing an arm, or pay too much attention, or it's the first thing they think about him. "yeah, yeah, no arm, alright. dude, it's not my whole fucking personality!"

unlike many of my other characters with their problematic family backgrounds, zach has very normal, average family that has its communication problems occasionally but in general is loving and supportive.

he’s a huge sweet tooth but doesn’t indulge too much around others because “sweets are girls' thing” yup he has some weird gender stereotypes like that. yeah, leave him with a few snickers bars unsupervised, and see how soon he'll start stuffing his face.

was a part of math competition team at school until he started hanging out with a bunch of good for nothing dudes, so he’s like smarty smart actually. even though not many ppl care to know about that.

he was really short until late teenage years and was very self conscious about that. he was afraid that he's gonna stay short forever and had sudden growth spurt only after 18.

his full name is, unsurprisingly, Zachary, but no one ever calls him that except for his mom when she's mad and he's in for an earful.

he's had commited (ish) relationships a couple times, but usually they tend to not last. he knows that he's "supposed" to have a girlfriend because everyone else does, but he doesn't know what exactly he's supposed to feel towards her, so he mostly treated his girlfriends like his bros, and girls weren't happy about that dynamic in a long run.

i'm not sure but i think he might be aromantic or somewhere close to aro spectrum. he doesn't really understand the appeal or feel the need for love talks and illogical romantic gestures, and they don't make him weak in his knees. and while he would probably want a solid relationship, for him it's more about partnership and having each other's back through thick and thin. oh, and ofc a lot of sex. he has pretty high sex drive.

he can whistle masterfully and likes songs with long whistle solo because he can whistle along and show off (like "wind of change", "other people" or this one whistle song from "kill bill").