#with a focus on hot life affirming sex between people who love and respect each other

[deputychairman]

Star Wars rec list!

If, like me, you are a person who throws the word “proactive” around in job applications but then is too idle to even navigate to AO3 and find fanfic for yourself but will click a link if someone puts it right in front of me, I bring you a Star Wars reclist. Because it’s been MONTHS since I saw a Star Wars reclist and my work won’t just avoid itself you know.

The personal

The opposite of hate by Gloss/@spaceoperafeerie (Stormpilot, 15k, mature) Really, if you love yourself, you should read everything by Gloss but that’s not how a reclist works so start with this Finn character study where Poe Dameron doesn’t die on Jakku but he doesn’t make it back to the Resistance either, and the weight that Finn carries with him over it. It’s tagged ‘angst with a happy ending’ so I don’t think it’s a spoiler if I tell you there’s a happy ending?

If it was never new and it never gets old by @aimmyarrowshigh (the only fic that isn’t stormpilot on this list, mature, 8k)  Pre canon AU where Rey was a baby Jedi who survived Kylo Ren and Poe’s the one who has to leave her on Jakku it's ok I didn’t need my heart anyway.

First comes the night by @coffeeinallcaps (Stormpilot, 20k, explicit) a serious, thoughtful take on how Poe copes (and doesn’t) with PTSD and what his friends do to help. For example, they say things like this about his crush on Finn “I think he could punch you in the nose and you would just thank him for gracing your face with his fist. Maybe it would even turn you on. Would it turn you on? I think it would turn you on”, and Finn himself is very real and present and a complicated example how to withstand the First Order in a way that might make a person who feels he failed at withstanding them feel like he isn’t measuring up. 

The political

Gravity by Galacticproportions (Stormpilot, 21k, mature) My AO3 bookmark reads “Space communism, how to change the galaxy from the roots, other lives and falling in love with someone you've been in love with since the day you met them. WONDERFUL” and I never question my own bookmarks. If you ever wondered how you make the means of production fair in a galaxy that keeps throwing up fascist dictators or how Finn and Poe can have a relationship of equals and hot sex given their vastly different life experiences and situations, while also being busy overthrowing tyranny, THIS FIC HAS THE ANSWERS.

While all art is political, there are fewer explicitly political fics out there than I remember and they are my favourite niche genre so here, have my post-war Brexit & sex story A city built on water because it’s my reclist and I can rec myself if I want to. 

The pornographic

Got you (like I want you) by synergic (Stormpilot, 2k, explicit) Listen I get lost in the semantics of what topping from the bottom means so maybe this is that? What it *definitely* is, is super hot porn with feelings.  

we've got you, sweetheart (you like it like this) by @notcaycepollard (Finn/Poe/Rey, 2k, explicit) Poe, Finn & Rey love each other and even though they’ve experienced trauma they all love it when Rey consensually pulls Poe’s hair in bed.

No trophies just reminders by @cicaklah (Stormpilot, 2k, explicit) the ‘coping with trauma through sex’ trope can lead us to intriguing fucked-up places, OR to hot, loud and life-affirming banging between people just about to realise they love each other. This is a stellar example of the second and I really loved the image of the Resistance it sketches out.

So I say shine by Gloss (Stormpilot, 3k, explicit as they come) every fandom needs a fic where fisting is a perfect expression of love, and here it is

Ok ok ok just *one* more from Gloss because she wrote it for me – Close like bosoms, bosoms stay close (Stormpilot, explicit, 3k) when I asked "Please step up the challenge of writing Poe & Finn’s loud sex and how the rest of the base complain about it? They are SO enthusiastic and SO into each other they just can’t keep quiet, nope, sorry, tried it, can’t do it, whatcha gonna do? Poe’s a commander round here, if you want him and his boyfriend to keep their deeply-in-love, life-affirming sex quiet, you’re gonna have to talk to his superior officer and idk very much about military hierarchy but BASICALLY you’d have to ask General Organa to have a word and - no. She loves those boys like they were her own sons and she doesn’t live next door, so. Unlikely."

The plot

Home out in the wind by @bomberqueen17 (Stormpilot/Jedistormpilot, explicit, 350k) AKA the mothership of really exciting galactic intrigue plot and really hot life-affirming sex. That’s a theme to this reclist actually. 

[iamkellyadams]

60 Self-Care Ideas for Women (Checklist)

Self-Care is…

Taking personal responsibility for one’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health

Good for your mind, body, spirit, life, and soul

NOT selfish

A habit that makes you flourish, not just function

A choice

Preventive

Imperative

A deliberate effort

Making yourself a priority

A lifelong practice

Empowering

A lifestyle

A ritual

Its time for you to

Reclaim your FREEDOM

Reclaim your POWER

Reclaim your PEACE

7 Self-Care Strategies

Make yourself a priority

Be your own caretaker as you are for others

Don’t apologize for putting yourself first

There is no reason to be sorry for loving and taking care of yourself

Ditch the guilt

Understand the big picture, without self-care you end up running on empty and you cannot care for or give to others from an empty cup

Ditch Perfection

Let go of perfection, it’s exhausting and nobody is perfect. Life is too short.

Plan to be Spontaneous

Take advantage of the many opportunities throughout the day for self-care, small actions yield big results

Make Self-Care your own

Choose self-care techniques that help you to destress, stay calm, and take good care of yourself

Create a Habit with rituals

Commit to doing some type of self-care activity each day, before long it will become automatic, and you will find the positive results motivating you to continue

60 Self-Care Ideas

Have a support system

Get help as you need it

People to talk to and process emotions

Learn to identify and process emotions

Learn to say no

Believe in it, practice it, and say it as needed

Create and believe in your own boundaries

Boundaries protect you from harm, just as the borders are there to protect countries

Find Solitude

Clear your mind

Gather your thoughts

Slow down

Practice mindfulness

Focus on the present moment and really pay attention to what is going on

Keeps you in the present moment

Prevents senseless worry about the future and nagging thoughts of the past

Get a treatment at the salon

Blow-out

Manicure

Pedicure

Anything that makes you feel good and renewed

Take a hot aromatherapy bath

Do Something that is fun, senseless and makes you relax

Create a morning routine

Morning rituals help get you centered for the day ahead

Meditation

Prayer

Visualization

Uplifting podcast

Exercise

Anything that works for you

Facial massage

Read a book

Spend time with friends

Drink a hot cup of herbal tea

Turn of all noise

Find silence by turning off your phone, social media alerts

Cook healthy meal

Keeps you grounded and in touch with what you are eating

Practice gratitude

Be grateful for your job, all you have and your life it will keep you centered and more calm

Break free from negative and/or unhealthy people

Their negativity drags you down

They are not likely to support your wellbeing

They cause you stress

Get up slowly without a blaring alarm

It sets a calm tone for the day

Create a beautiful garden for yourself to sit in and relax

Nature is soothing, calming, and restorative

Practice deep breathing several times each day

Meditate

Do nothing

Take a few moments each day and do nothing but space out

Plan periods of time without plans

Leave blocks of time during your weekly schedule to do nothing and have nothing planned

Be spontaneous

Do something spur of the moment, take a drive, read, take a nap, go to lunch with a friend, or just watch TV

Exercise and physical movement

Release feel good chemicals in the brain

Reduce stress

Detoxifies the body

Greatly improves mood

Take scenic drive

Practice yoga

More than sixty benefits for mind, body, and spirit

Effects stay with you long after each session has passed

Have sex

Promotes relaxation

Stimulates release of feel good hormones in the brain

Intimacy nurtures emotional health and feeds your soul

Recharge with a spa day

Practice positivity

Miraculously healing

Optimists live longer and handle stress much better than pessimists do

Be okay with disappointment

It’s okay to be disappointed with yourself

It’s okay if others are disappointed in you

Be your own best friend

Love

Honor

Support

Respect

Meet needs

Be there for

Spend time alone to rest, refuel and regroup your mind and spirit

Create claiming surroundings

Get rid of clutter in your home, office, and car

Consider your friends and relationships

Do they fulfil you, support your wellbeing, and inspire you to be your best, or do they drag you down?

Consider your routine

Is it chaotic

Does it make you crazy?

Make changes as needed with a focus on your wellbeing

Make a list of your greatest qualities and read it often

Stare at the clouds

Find some grass, lay down, and just watch the clouds float in the sky

Play like children do

Childlike play feeds the spirit, and promotes emotional health

Scrutinize your schedule

Is it overfilled? Are overly burdened?

Make every possible effort to eliminate things that cause overwhelm

Fix nagging annoyances

These little things annoy and nag, and over time this can cause unnecessary mental and emotional burdens

Change that light bulb

Make that phone call

Fix that stuck drawer

Just one thing

Do one thing makes you happy every single day

Smell a flower, listen to your favorite song, hug yourself, think of those good things that feed your soul

Unplug

Unplug all electronics for at least half an hour each daily

Phone, laptop, tablet, social media, email alerts, landlines, all of it!

Evaluate your social media updates

Do you really need to be bothered with constant updates from 100 plus people?

Information overload promotes stress and prevents your mind being calm and centered

Listen to your body

Listen for hunger, thirst, exhaustion, the need to rest

Dance

Great exercise

Music helps feel good hormones in the brain

Stretch

Destress and recharge

Plan your meals

Eat healthy by planning ahead and having it ready

Avoid eating junk food when you get too busy to consider a healthy meal

Practice positive self-talk

Positive affirmations remind you that you are worth it and deserve self-nurture to promote self-care actions

Spend time in nature

Nature is soothing, refreshing and re-energizes the mind, and spirit

Splurge

Buy yourself something self-indulgent, just because you deserve it

Get some sun

Spend a few moments in the sun each day, don’t forget the sunscreen

Inhale wellness

Essential oils used in aromatherapy are therapeutic and help create a certain mood

Lavender for calm

Peppermint to boost energy, motivation, and mood

Laugh regularly for the health of mind, body and spirit

Take a quick nap

A nap that lasts between 10-20 minutes completely rejuvenates your mind and energizes your body so you can tackle anything that comes your way

Take up a hobby or sport

Candlelit dinner for one

Take yourself out for a delectable gourmet dinner and celebrate your own company

Journal

Allows you to vent frustrations, process emotions and reflect

Receive love freely

Love is the ultimate healer, no matter how bad things get, love can pull you out

Seek it, receive it and give it

The best self-care medicine there is

Who am I and Why you should listen to me?

For those of you that don’t know I am Hillary Fay, I have a passion for yoga and transformational arts. This overflows into everything that I create from my classes, workshops, yoga teacher training’s, Reiki certifications, and Evolutionary Arts Practitioner Certification.

As a teacher and teacher of teachers, I am here to help you deepen into your own Source of Unconditional Love — S.O.U.L. So, you can access all the gifts that always are, and always will be inherent within you through breath work, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Alchemy, Vinyasa Flow, Meditation and much more.

My passion is sharing what I have learned with everyone.

From a very young age I was inspired to seek healing and be at peace. At the young tender age of 12 I had lived in 8 states, been through trauma and abuse and experienced far more than any 12-year-old should.

From the deep suffering came the greatest gift I could have ever imagined.

Now I embody love and want to help others do just the same. I’ve taught over 10,000 students. You are capable of being loved, filled with energy and amazing presence!

Ask yourself – what would it be like to wake up feeling happy and confident, that you’ll have all the energy you need to feel good at the end of the day? Now you can feel the transformation of deep self-care.

In this fast-paced world, we live in, it can get lost as to what we need to do to help ourselves.

I’ve designed a program to help you increase energy, return to your own power, and give yourself the boost you need to continue showing up for others without draining themselves.

In my Ultimate Self-Care Kit, you’ll be getting tried and proven practices to help you create and set the energy you need to feel your best in only minutes a day.

Introducing…

THE ULTIMATE SELF-CARE KIT

The Ultimate Self-Care Kit contains everything you need to dive deep into what self-love and self-care really are. 

Including 7 guided meditation audios created with binaural beats which help to access deeper states of well-being:

The Safe to Be Mediation to reconnect with your breath

A powerful Energy Clearing meditation that you can use every single day to reset your energy

The Deep Relaxation Meditation for Self-Care to unwind your nervous system

A Yoga Nidra (the Yoga of Sleep) Meditation. This will help you tap into your Theta state where you can access your own source of intuition and love. The more we access Theta state the more we learn how to trust ourselves and our own gut instincts.

The Divine Mother Meditation will help you feel cherished, love and accepted.

The Love Consciousness Activation is designed to support you in grounding.

The Self Sourcing Meditation for igniting the love and support you deserve

You simply need to get comfy on your couch or in a quiet space and focus on your much needed self-care to help you get real stress relief and the rejuvenation of spirit they desperately want.  

​Special bonuses include potent breathing exercises and meditation videos from the best of yogic science:

Breathing exercises to help you relax into a restful night’s sleep

Breathing exercises to boost your immune system and activate your Inner Sun

Full Hatha yoga class specifically designed for self-care and grounding

PDF workbook for Creating Healthy Boundaries

This helps you live your best life…without the guilt, which empowers you and everyone around you.

Regain control of your mind, body, and spirit…and feel the power of true transformation. You need my Ultimate Self-Care Kit in your life right now. Click here, The Ultimate Self-Care Kit.

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[kissingwithcannibals]

Bollywood and Camo Hats: A Glimpse Beyond the Bubble

Do you guys remember how, in the previous post, I wrote about one of my best friends, the Indian girl? (Okay, gotta stop referring to her as “the Indian girl.” She does actually have a name. The gang and I do not call her “the Indian girl.” Out of respect for her privacy, I’m going to call her “Kelly,” because she’s remarkably like Kelly Kapoor from The Office, the only exception being that The Office’s Kelly Kapoor is, believe it or not, a bit toned-down compared to our “Kelly.” That’s a fact, Jack.  

Anyway. She wrote to me! A very thoughtful email. (You might even say...my first fan mail?! Trying to not let all this fame go to my head.)  I asked her if I could throw it up on the blog. So here’s most of what she wrote! 

“I think you do have a culture and that culture is White Middle-Class America. AKA what we think of as a majority of America, the America that is most often referenced in our politics, movies, T.V. shows… and I think about some of the values that you have, that seem intrinsic to you. The value of pursuing a career for passion, to marry for love, to be an independent entity from your family. These things to me are individualistic. Those aren’t universal values, they are uniquely American. Like you said, it’s hard to parse this out when it seems plain or boring. But it’s only plain or boring, because most of the people around you are within your culture.

I think about my cousins in India, who are so fascinated by America. The movies they watch, the T.V shows that they are obsessed with, their standards of beauty, are all from America. And I think that goes to show how fascinating the world finds America. So yeah, I think that the girl from Nepal would find the way you grew up so foreign, so different than what everyone around her grew up as. In Bollywood movies, the hero and heroine just sing about their love for each other, many times they don’t even kiss. And when we look at our movies and T.V shows, sex and love between relationship partners are often depicted, lovingly, and as normal. I think these both reflect different cultural values of love & sex.

I think this is kind of where my struggle comes in, as growing up navigating two different cultures and worlds. It’s easy for my parents because they grew up, much like you, surrounded by people who were just like them. Everyone stayed at home, got an arranged marriage, chose careers that were respectable to the family. That was normal, they didn’t even think about it then. That was their water. When they moved here, it was a completely new different culture. It was scary. I think this is where their overprotectiveness came in. When you grow up thinking of one way as right, and then move to a place where that is now not the case, you hold tighter to what you do know.

Manlius in particular is so homogenous [note: Manlius is our hometown]. I grew up having to code-switch, switching my values, the way I spoke and everything depending on who I was around. In adolescence, we think of encouraging teenagers to speak their mind, figure out who they are. How unique is that to America! In Indian culture, I think of adolescence as the time to affirm their commitment to their families.

Some of the feelings that I felt were underneath the surface when you were writing, was an aversive-ness to being “plain vanilla”.  Something I did think could be unpacked is that currently American culture can seem divisive, angry, conservative. Maybe the fear there is the “Fuck yea Amurica!” Trump-loving, “patriotic” group of people who consider themselves to be proud Americans, are obviously not reflective of who you are as well.  I’m not quite sure where that thought was going…but something that I thought of.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t consider yourself as boring, plain or vanilla. I would consider yourself as privileged (this is such a hot button word that I hate using it but I think it somewhat fits) to grow up in a place where most people’s cultures were reflective of yours as well. And I’m proud that you’re even thinking about it, because sometimes I feel frustrated when people assume it for granted. And we should be having more conversations like this with everyone!! Because if you move to a completely new culture, I think you’ll see clearer the water you were in all along.”

Wow, good stuff by Kelly! Thanks, Kelly. That’s a lot to chew on. 

I want to talk a bit about what was said here. I’ve had tunnel vision about my upbringing for some time now, and I think this discussion has given me some clarity. (Hey, you guys remember when that Zedd song “Clarity” was all the rage? Wow we are already off track. Focus, Jake, focus!)  

“The value of pursuing a career for passion, to marry for love, to be an independent entity from your family. These things to me are individualistic.”

Aha, this right here. See, one of my problems is that when I want to play dress-up as a cultural anthropologist, I too often focus on the artifacts of a lifestyle. The class of things easily seen, heard, and felt. I think about the kind fashion that was acceptable at high school- a spectrum between casual and preppy. What were the hit songs and popular genres of music? (Never really met a lot of country fans.) The churches that we belonged to (or didn’t). Or the patterns of speech: our choice of slang through nasally CNY accents. It’s as if I could tally up all these things and say, “This is my culture. It’s X, Y, and Z.” And to an extent, this is true. That is part of the equation. 

But greater forces are at work in the background. Growing up they were at work largely chartering our courses without our knowing. In Manlius, it was never questioned that you would go to college. You would move out of the house and away from this small, delicate town. Entering right into the work force or going to community college or a trade school held unspoken stigmas. That was for stupid kids. Or poor kids. Or poor, stupid kids. The school administration, the guidance counselors, our parents, they all beat this drum in sync during our years in high school. (Argh, what I would do to go back and take a gap year between high school and college! Just to work an honest job and get my priorities in order.  Instead I went off to college without a plan. Turns out that I was the stupid kid. It was me all along!) 

And, yeah, marriage. Woof. Even though a pre-arranged marriage could be of great benefit to a dateless knob like your truly, I think one of the truly amazing things about life in America is that some poor girl out there can’t be forced to marry me. (And for that let us join together and all breathe a biiiiig collective sigh of relief.) That’s just not how we roll in America. This is not India. In America the individual takes priority over the family. Go to college. Find your passion. Marriage? That comes later.

So...individualism. That’s a big one for the white, suburban culture I grew up in. One last comment on this: there is a kind of ironic contradiction at play here. It is a site of tension that only becomes visible in hindsight for some of us, myself included. From our position of privilege, most everyone here is provided the luxury of choosing the life they want, but overriding social pressures then covertly narrow these very choices. “Well, you don’t have to go to college. You can do whatever you’d like! Buuuuut not going would be a terrible idea, you know. So you better go to college.” It’s like that line from that one Metallica song, “You can do it your own way. If it's done just how I say!” Ah, such a great album. 

 “I think about my cousins in India, who are so fascinated by America. The movies they watch, the T.V shows that they are obsessed with, their standards of beauty, are all from America.  

Consumerism. Now there’s something I didn’t give enough attention to before. After all, teens can’t relish in suburban car culture if they can’t afford cars. With wealth comes buying. It’s pretty obvious that my own upbringing has warped my sense of what defines culture. Too often I see culture as what is available for purchase: clothes, music, cars, games, phones, food, furniture, books, movies, apps. As Kelly said: think about all those people in other countries who are crazy to get their hands on American products and media. And here I am, swimming in it all! I’m not phased by any of it. The grass is always greener on the other side. Well, I’m on the side that some people wanna be on. I’m kicking back on a lawn chair, Ray-bans on, ear buds in, watching Netflix on my laptop. No wonder I can’t see beyond my own front lawn! (Just kidding, of course. I don’t own any Ray-bans. I look terrible in sunglasses.) 

I mentioned in my last post how I erroneously relate culture with that which is foreign and exotic. I’ll also say that I very regretfully tend to associate “real culture” with third-world (developing? poor?) countries. Like somehow a culture is richer when it isn’t embedded with consumerism. As if to say that certain expressions of culture, such as in art and music, don’t develop as fully when people are more interested in simply buying more stuff. Things like conspicuous consumption tend to creep in and become a widespread practice. Obviously this line of thinking has some fallacies to it. (But there also may be some truth to it. I’ve done some reading lately in which I’ve learned that in certain areas of the world, East Asian nations for example, there exist large pockets of animosity toward the reach of Western consumer culture, and for the way it has transformed these societies in recent decades.) 

“Something I did think could be unpacked is that currently American culture can seem divisive, angry, conservative.” 

This is why I’ve thought about living in the Deep South for a time. And I mean in a very conservative area, a real backcountry spot on the map. A place where I can wear cargo shorts while learning how to make alcohol in the woods. Heck, I might even be the first vegetarian some of these people ever meet. Who knows! There’s a whole world out there. At some point I should step out of my bubble and into someone else’s. 

This is also a good reminder that there are many American cultures. My whole world is liberal, white, and suburban. Imagine if I had grown up in inner-city Syracuse. Heck, even white and rural would be another way of life. You don’t have to drive very far out of Manlius before it’s all pickup trucks and camo hats. I think about one of my roommates during my senior year at SU. A guy named Shawn. (Great guy!) We are both from small towns in New York, but he obviously grew up in a lifestyle of a much more rural bent. He drove a pickup truck, and I don’t wanna say it was a big pickup truck, but I swear I needed a boost just to climb into the cab. The radio stations were dialed into country. Old-school country. And Shawn traps and hunts. I don’t have the heart for that. Too squeamish. Plush, squirrels and beavers are in my list of top favorite animals. He was also very handy. One time some drunk kids smashed the wooden table we had on our front porch. What did Shawn do? He fixed it! Okay, well, I should stop talking about Shawn. I’m starting to feel a bit useless. The point is: I’m a fish out of water in Shawn’s world, and our worlds are not that far apart.  

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this post, it’s that writing about culture is hard. There are so many moving parts, so many variables at play. It’s difficult to discuss the large-scale, invisible forces at work without it all coming out as some garbled mess. (As evidence of this, please note this very blog post.) At least I’ve been reminded a good critique of culture is one that looks beyond the stuff and materials, and focuses on the values, e.g. individualism, consumerism, marriage, politics, race, geography. Moving forward, If I’m going to examine my own upbringing, I’d be better off picking apart one area in detail. Really throw it under the microscope.   

Now, if you’ll excuse me, another episode of Moonshiners is currently playing on the Discovery Channel. I need to prepare.