#wishing for something impossible

[bledyn]

[excerpt from my diary]

[...]

first of all let's start with labels: they/she for me, just accepted that I'm trans and probably demigirl (I'm a woman but not always and often I just want to be as androgynous as possible), I'm asexual and maybe on the aro spectrum cause non platonic relationship are not really for me but I would love to be part of a qpr, my libido fluctuates and is usually non-existent except when it hits me like a freight train and I just wish someone would fuck me till I scream, I'm a lesbian or at least omoromantic, polyamorous and monogamous, I'm attracted (as much as what I feel could be considered attraction) mostly to women, butch more than femme but it depends, cis man are a total no go, but I could easily find myself attracted to a non binary or trans person (it wouldn't matter whether they had a cock or a pussy), no idea why tho.

Probably too many labels but it comforts me having this proof of belonging to a community of people with similiar experiences and feeling to mine, it validates me in a way that makes it impossible to feel like I'm exaggerating and maybe what I feel is not real.

[...]

I'm not attracted to other people in a "normal" way, but I'm not sex adverse; sex just means something different to me and it's just another way to show care and affection [...] the thought of pleasing someone that way, making them feel good and showing them how much I care about them? that does it for me, not sex.

[...]

Said that, sex for me is just part of intimacy and nothing, nothing at all that I do is a sexual innuendo or done with that goal in mind. I could sit naked on someone's lap and that would probably have no sexual subtext behind it at all. i don't actually want to be in a relationship, they're not for me, i just want to be surrounded by friends that I can trust, I'm comfortable with, which I have totally platonic relationships with, and even if we love each other there is no romantic feeling at all and we are all aware of that. i want friends with which I can cuddle on the couch, giving each other chast kisses or petting each other or just holding each other; i want to be able to ask them if they could please come to the bathroom with me and wash my hair cause I want to feel taken care of. i want friends that feel like they could come up to me and just ask me to take care of them please, even if this means sex, and know that at the end of things this is still all platonic; i want to have sex with them and just cuddle after and talk about things like friends do, with no romantic feelings hovering over us.

fuck i want to have people like that in my life

i want to have a bunch of qprs, with or w/o sex in the middle, and know i am loved.

i want to be loved so much, i want to be held and caressed, i want to be kissed on the forehead, have their fingers card through my hair; my head on someone's lap and my legs on someone else's, live with so many people and sleep - just sleep - with all of them, and just feel loved and taken care of and know that the other will feel the same feelings I do and nothing more, and just be a family.

this knowledge sometimes destroys me tho; i want this, i want this so much, i desire it with all myself, and it seems so fucking impossible to find someone like this, and certainly not a whole bunch of people.

and i hurt, because i know that if I tried and the other person ended up seeing my actions as not platonic, this would totally kill me.

and I don't know how to go on now, how to find my people, or ask for this kind of stuff, and this steals my breath away

fuck

why is it so fucking difficult to live like I wish to? why is it so fucking hard being loved like I want to, in the platonic way i long for?

i feel like someone split my ribs open and is crushing my heart and my lungs

it hurts so fucking much god

[while carving my soul on paper I listened to "the other side of paradise" and "poplar st" by glass animals]

[helmip]

✨🌟star light, star bright🌠✨

[kaiser1ns]

#. GIVE ME WHAT I WANT

featuring 𝗺𝗶𝗰𝗵𝗮��𝗹 𝗸𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝘅 𝗳𝗲𝗺!𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿

fluff. he allowed himself to feel something he rarely did, peace and love because with you he got everything he wants.

happy birthday to my lover boy kaiser !! and happy christmas everyone !!

More awake inside of his dreams, the loneliness suits him better as he remains the only star in this cruel world. He doesn’t know what he wants but it’s not this, these sugar-coated words don't mean anything when he says them with his lips, tongue rolling with venom when he sees the faces of despair, experiencing the depth of a person’s soul when they have been put in their place. The moment people give up and are left hopeless, desperate for salvation, sacrificing their talent for more tedious lives — they are weak, more or less dead.

Impossible. He hates and loathes upon hearing that word coming out of someone's mouth, which makes him want to prove himself even more. Nothing is impossible. He was the weak person who gave up at any given chance, curling up into a ball to disappear and become invisible, embracing what is dearest to him in all the vast space, a planet that shines brighter than any star, emitting its own light basking in the gravity of football.

I don't know what I want but I know it's not this… A blue rose on his neck traced down with chain-like intertwined thorns that made their way to the crown on his left hand. To remind himself, to never again fall into that weak mindset, a dark and deep rabbit hole that won’t lead you to Wonderland but straight to execution, and it's ‘Off with your head!’. A symbol that shows the impossible, he is the symbol itself, not the tattoo.

Was that really you next to me? It’s cold even under the blanket, it's cold because it's winter … But it’s warm when you kiss him, it’s warm when you love him. Sometimes it makes him sad when he receives a gift because he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to react. It’s his birthday and he doesn’t like it. Christmas lights, a decorated apartment, food on the table, and a woman full of love. Giving him what he wants, then again who is he supposed to please?

“Don't you like it, my love? I-I can always return it if you don't…” Kaiser tried to play it off, masking his emotions behind his usual arrogance. But with you, he was different—less rude, less cold. His eyes lingered on the gift he had just unwrapped: golden rings. Promise rings, you had said with a soft smile, assuring him that nothing could ever tear you apart. Yet, your expression betrayed you—your face was full of sadness and regret. It hurt him more than he cared to admit, more than anything else ever could.

He watched as you looked down, fidgeting with your hands, retreating into yourself. You had given him so much more than he deserved. You gave him what he needed the most: a dream to hold on to.

Then, you felt it—his colder, larger hands settling gently atop yours. For someone usually so brash, the touch was rather gentle and tender. He turned your hand palm up, brushing his thumb over your knuckles before sliding the ring onto your ring finger. An arrogant young man with a superiority complex, Kaiser had always been a fortress of pride and self-importance. But beneath it all, he was just a boy yearning to be loved. “I never said anything like that, Engel,” he murmured, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it. "I’m just… not good at this stuff, okay? Birthdays and gifts, they’re not my thing. Never have been."

He tilted his head, studying your face. His usual smirk returned, but it was softer now, almost boyish. Kaiser knows you are doing this with pure intentions, he knows he has ben truly blessed not on this day, but the day he met you. And even if he hides it, you can see the little boy's eyes waiting to hear those three words.

“I love you,” you whispered, leaning in to kiss him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, your lips met his, the warmth of your touch seemed to catch him off guard, and he instinctively stepped back. You both paused, glancing up—mistletoe. A sweet kiss for the birthday boy. A loving kiss for the gift you’d received from the universe. His lips were softer than you expected, and he tasted faintly of your lipstick, a reminder of just how sweet your kisses were. He loves you too. You are everything he could ask for: pretty, smart, loving, and caring. You are his.

As he kissed you back, his hands found your waist, pulling you closer. The motion brought him off balance as he hit the edge of the bed, pulling you down with him. You landed on top of him, both breathless, laughter spilling into the space between your lips.

“Time to unwrap your other present~” you teased as you caressed his face, and he felt the golden ring pressing to his cheek.

On days like this, angels are said to come alive. But you were born one—his angel, his most precious treasure. For someone who believed the world to be cruel, who found pleasure in proving everyone else wrong, you were the exception to all his rules. You made him want to be better, not for the world, but for you. Who am I supposed to please? He asked, more to himself than to you, repeating the question that haunted him. His answer was clear now. It wasn’t about the world, the people who doubted him, or even his old self. It was you. It had always been you.

©2024 kaiser1ns do not copy, repost or modify my work.

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

[somnimagus]

My page for @kairizine. It was such a huge honor to be part of this wonderful book with everyone, I had so much fun!

[id in alt!]

[civetside]

me and my endless lesbian yearning

[galehowl]

I sometimes like to dream of a Digimon game that'd be like a big open world RPG where your Digimon is a full NPC, voiced and all, who's relationship with your player character revolves around the decisions you make in the main story and side quests, the way you treat your Digimon, and so on, in the best companion NPC traditions. But also based on the Digimon in question's personality, type, maybe even backstory.

You'd get several Digimon to choose from, each fully-rounded characters with their evolutions branching to an extent based on how the story goes, and the one you'd pick would be your main companion, but you'd also have other NPCs help you in the plot and progress the story/form the team, humans and Digimon.

I know it'd be pretty much impossible to do this due to how many totally different branching story paths, alternate endings, etc., it would have to have, as well as issues with combat and probably switching between two characters ( your Digi being your main fighter, with the pc likely being more of the support type, but with variations based on upgrades, unlocked perks, type of your Digi, how you level up the characters, etc.. ), and a million other problems, but.

I can dream LOL.

[yrlocalghost]

i feel like the thing that really gets to me personally about chara undertale specifically is that at the heart of the story, everything is happening because they were just so loved and nobody (except flowey/asriel) knows about why they died.

toriel visits their grave often, and has never really recovered from losing her children. she took their body and carried it all the way back to the ruins. considering monster customs, this is probably the first time she had ever actually buried someone. it’s grim, but it was out of love.

asgore essentially carries out the remainder of their plan, despite never knowing that there was a plan. he declares war on humanity in the name of both of his children. he has golden flowers everywhere, which only started growing after their death.

literally just. everything about flowey. flowey is the core driving force of the plot, and everything he does essentially comes down go being about his trauma and his grief. this should probably be an entirely separate post

AND ALSO the golden flowers are everywhere and so indicative of them and the grief surrounding that. toriel tries to move on, so you don’t really see many in her home but she visits the grave. asgore has them everywhere and when you get to the throne room, its covered. flowey just straight up IS a golden flower.

the other thing that is interesting is that nobody except flowey (and technically alphys) knows why or how they died. and honestly? it does not really matter. knowing wouldn’t change anything. they’re dead either way. asriel had to carry the burden of that knowledge alone, which is another separate post.

but Yes anyways this is getting Long but the point is that it just makes me insane that chara was just so so loved. it didn’t matter that they were troubled or came from a bad situation, it didn’t matter that maybe they “weren’t the greatest person” or anything. they had a place they belonged, they had it really good for a while and they couldn’t handle that but they were very loved and that is the heart and driving force of the story and i

[ironworked]

--Clown makeup essentials--

My point isn't that this all proves anything, because it doesn't; it's just to say that we're not making any of this up, even if it doesn't mean what we hope it means: we might be clowning, but we are using materials they've given us even beyond the show itself.

Proceed at your own risk

We've talked about this, the IG follows and LFJ's pinned comment:

They don't follow Chiquita Fuller (Linda Bates, 29 eps), Megan West (Taylor Kelly, 20 eps), Cocoa Brown (Carla Price, 18 eps)... maybe because they haven't appeared past s6. However, they do not follow other actors who have, like Claudia Christian (Elaine Maynard, 17 eps), Brian Thompson (Vincent Gerrard, 10 eps), Callum Blue (Brad Torrance, 6 eps).

And what about the inclusion in promos? who can say this is usual?

[Cut for interview content]

Even when we look at (relatively) recent interviews...

the slowburn comment

Because the captions suck: OS ends the segment with "we'll see what happens"

So... I repeat: who knows what'll happen, I certainly don't. But that doesn't mean there are no reasons to at least entertain the possibility of a return to this storyline.

Like there's a difference between suspecting the wrong person in a whodunnit and predicting the movie will end with a sing-along, you know?

[frameconfessions]

I wish other characters in Warframe got as much detail and lore as The Hex. Still waiting on that Ordis quest that Steve teased so many years ago. 😔

We're still waiting Steve- or rather Rebecca. 👀 https://fxtwitter.com/sj_sinclair/status/1035662678147166208

[claitea]

i know i shouldnt dwell on stupid opinions like this but a while ago i saw someone complain that Applin was a boring concept bc its just a worm in an apple and i was FLOORED. this iirc was in response to smth about gen 1 designs being boring as well

its not just a worm its a Wyrm its a pun. that is a concept. maybe you don't like it personally but to say its objectively bad is certainly Something. not every pokemon has to be based on a myth or something else fantastical to be a good concept. you Need "boring" pokemon for the dex to feel complete, if Everything is Cool then nothing is actually cool

"gamefreak is running out of ideas" yeah there's a billion fish pokemon but they're all actually very different to each other, lanturn is an anglerfish and lumineon is a butterfly fish. say what you will abt gamefreak rn its probably warranted but imo the one thing they still do right 100% of the time is unique concepts for each pokemon. the execution can be debated but the fundamentals are always there

[thelesbianluthor]

I have resisted watching Bridgerton for 2 years. The many clips I had seen of Kanthony and George and Charlotte almost convinced me many times but I never had the final push.

I watched season 2 for the first time one week ago with friends and the kanthony brainrot is so bad I have been reading only ff of them and I am now rewatching season 2.

I have not been THIS obsessed with a het couple for many years. I have very few beloved het couple bc as a lesbian I find it hard to attach myself to male characters compared to female ones. But these two? They are constantly on my mind after I gave in and gave the show a chance.

There is something so insanely attractive in the yearning, angst and repressed desire. In the banter and challenging each other at every turn. The connection that forms between two similarly minded people who stubbornly refuse to give in and lose to one another but also cannot stop gravitating towards each other.

You will always be famous Kathani and Anthony viscountess and viscount Bridgerton.

[whoblewboobear]

If you’re in crisis or having suicidal thoughts, giving a call or text to 988 can be life changing. If you just need to talk, they’re a great resource as well. Your life is worth living, it will get better. Our minds can be cruel, but just know you are loved and you are appreciated.

We may have lost someone in our little community. Worst case, I hope they rest easy. But I do hope they survived.

If anyone was affected by this, if you need to speak to someone or take a step back, take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.

[theokusgallery]

I'm like... the Gerry factory. The Gerry machine

[cosmicredcadet]

Sometimes I'll see posts from people being like "It's okay to enjoy shipping you guys! being a shipper isn't bad!" and it's like.... bro be honest did someone actually tell you that you were a bad person for enjoying shipping or did you read some posts by aspecs about them criticizing fandom culture around shipping and you took it personally?

[sheltershock]

Sasha is absolutely a “do what I say, not as I do” type of person. In the exact same day he’d lecture Raz about getting enough sleep, citing memorized research and journals that kids his age should be getting a suggested 10 hours of sleep each day. And encouraging him that when he gets older he’ll only have to sleep about seven, so he’ll have more time in the day eventually.

And then hours later, he’d turn to Milla and go “it’s suggested that adults sleep 7 hours day…. which would make sleep a suggestion-“

“Sasha, please, don’t do this again.”

”But if you actually think about it, I get more time in the day and I can multitask on testing the results of that study of how long a human can stay up-“

“Sasha.”