#winter is so awful and depressing I can't understand

[darkdragon768]

I'll never understand people who prefer winter over summer. I really can't stand the cold. It just IS inflicting damage to me. It HURTS me. Whereas the heat is just annoying.

[ilikemicrowaves]

I'm normal about Carnelian (I say as I read her wiki for the 7262763 time)

Anyways, I here's all my hcs off the top of my head that I have. I'll probably add more or make another post with. But any ways, there's A LOT so under the cut

• She calls Turtle, Tortise and Kinkajou monkey because she forgets their names or wants to be a brat

• Her and Winter talk shit 24/7, 365. Mostly about Qibli and some of the gold winglet.

• hates the other skywings except Flame she fw Flame and thinks hus scar is badass (he doesn't believe her, womp womp)

• The only dragon she doesn't name call is Winter, Moon, and Umber. Qibli gets called sand muncher or Kibble.

• after a while she call Moon moron out if affection.

• Hated Scarlet not just because she was awful but tried to execute her for being friends with Peril at one point

• Hunting (or rather killing) is her unhealthy coping mechanism

• Truly dislikes Kinkajou and can't stand her

• likes Bigtail

• HATES Webs. She would have killed Webs during the invasion if she knew

• Prefers the dark

• Really idolized Tsunami and thinks she's pretty cool

• keeps trying to convince Tsunami to add a combat class and mentions it frequently

• rain makes her mad

• allergic to pollen. Blud is not smelling the flowers during spring

• Trying to convince Clay to let her and Flame wear matching Spike collars (he's scared she's gonna use it to kill someone)

• temper issues

• bad memory from ptsd effects

• orphan (parents died lmao)

• Is scared of Onyx (wtf is there an adult here???)

• wants ppl to think she listens to heavy metal but really she likes depressing hypepop and speed core stuff

• speech problems, struggles pronouncing L and S. (S sound like "sh" and L sounds like "y"

• Steals a lot of ppls food when she's to lazy to kill smth (usually from Qibli or one of the skywings)

• hates being looked at

• always squinting her eyes and RBF

• hates her name

• gave herself a nickname that nobody uses (Carnage)

• would wear a lot of baggy clothes and denim (her and Flame are pretty similar when comes to clothes)

• Pretty selfish but she's learning to be slightly nicer (it's not progressing well)

• reluctant to tell people about her nonexistent parents

• what would beak her? An explosion (😀)

• human!Carnelian would have a perm that almost hangs over her eyes and lots of face piercings

• has a husky and hoarse voice.

• HATES the noise of ppl tapping their claws (she does not understand adhd dragons 💔)

• Even though she was in the camp that believed Scarlet was deceased, I think she more of hoped than believed

• She misses her battalion a lot (they miss her skill, but not her.)

• out of her 14 battles, one was the invasion to the summer palace. She killed atleast 20 seawings

• She has a few broken teeth

• Her breath smells like ass (doesn't like brushing her teeth because her broken teeth hurt.)

• Her favorite color is actually maroon

• I based her design slightly off of a Harris hawk

• her and Flame have matching copper bracelets they made in art class.

• has Moonwatcher help her with the homework and reads to her

• Wishes Peril would talk to her (Very self-conscious about it and thinks Peril hates her)

• says dipshit a lot

• She thinks she's badass (she's not in most aspects)

• She looks a few years older than she is because of her squinted eyes and muscular build

• Mad JMA wouldn't let her bring in her spear

• skips music class almost every day

• Would refuse to go to any school dances unless Flame or Moonwatcher would ask her to go. (Most the time it's Moonwatcher, Flame hates the dances too.)

• hates all of the seawings but Turtle (DONT TELL ANYONE!!)

• wants to knock out Pike but restrains herself for Flame. (She's a little jealous of there frenemy-ship)

• Umber/turtle/Carnelian trio!!!!

[silverflameataraxia]

I'll never understand how the same author who is writing Elucien also wrote Nessian.

When Elain isn't interested in or isn't ready for a relationship with Lucien, it's okay. But when Nesta isn't interested in or isn't ready for a relationship with Cassian, she's villified by the narrative.

Elain doesn't even need to ask Lucien for space, he just leaves her alone because he knows she's not ready. But yet Nesta has to ask repeatedly for Cassian to leave her alone, but instead of being respectful of her boundaries, he makes a habit out of stalking and harassing her. There's not one time in this entire series where Cassian has respected Nesta's boundaries, but yet he's the victim?

Elain sits quietly and politely during Winter Solstice, ignoring Lucien completely, and it's totally fine when she does it. But when Nesta sits quietly and politely during Winter Solstice, ignoring Cassian completely? He storms out after her, harasses her even after she asks twelve times to be left alone, verbally abuses her, and stalks her home. Could you imagine if Lucien did this? The IC would beat him up, toss him over the Night Court border, and ban him from ever entering their court again. But when Cassian does it, it's okay because he's a member of the oh-so-perfect IC.

Lucien would never grab Elain without her permission, but if he ever did, am I honestly supposed to believe she wouldn't kick him in the balls? I think any woman would. But when Cassian grabs Nesta without her permission (after finding out she had been sexually assaulted and after he noticed she was scared of him, by the way) and refuses to let go, leaving Nesta with no choice but to kick him in the balls, all of a sudden she's the aggressor and Cassian's the victim?

Elain may accept Lucien's gifts, but if she didn't, everyone would understand and the narrative would most certainly not villify her for it. But when Nesta is traumatized, depressed, and hurting and doesn't want to accept a gift from the male who routinely disrespects her boundaries and her autonomy, harasses her, and verbally abuses her, she's, somehow, the awful one who apologizes to him for her behavior in not accepting his gift?

And we all know Elain's book isn't going to focus on how she "failed" Feyre by letting her hunt; she's not going to be abused into submission so the Band of Exiles can manipulate, use, and control her; she's most certainly never going to call herself a piece of shit, and if she ever did, Lucien wouldn't stand by and agree with her. But yet, Nesta's book was nothing but her being abused and constantly sacrificing in an effort to redeem herself for "failing" Feyre; she was abused by Cassian in an effort to make her submit to the IC, so they could manipulate, use, and control her (thankfully in HOFAS, that doesn't seem to have worked. The IC still can't control her and she proved, yet again, that she is not their submissive weapon to wield.); she called herself a piece of shit for "failing" Feyre and Cassian agreed that she was, indeed, a piece of shit. How romantic.

Elucien may not be a couple yet, but they at least have the beginnings of a healthy relationship. Nessian is nothing but internalized misogyny and romanticized abuse.

[sumaneun-stars]

okay based on my last request here I'm just going to say something that's been in my head since I discovered enhypen

this is literally my comfort scenario

I always end up thinking about a very cold winter day, but what makes it all the more vivid (in my opinion) is the scenery in the room

for example the description of the temperature, the duvets, the lighting (I have a weakness for warm lights), the television on in the background but the main thing... the person with Jay, like declarations of love, a simple deep conversation... I DON'T KNOW, just his presence in itself would be perfect

I don't know if that made sense in any way, it's still something deep that I can't explain

If you want to create something with this (which in this case is very cliché but I like it 😭😭😭) feel free, I just think there should be a context (which I never stopped to think about)

Anyway, Ily 💖💖💖

Winter hangs in there — pjs.

It wasn't surprising. Another failed attempt at socialising, and another comment on your insecurities which they meant as a joke. ‘Haha, it was so funny I could cry’ you wanted to snap back, but chose the better of it. Rage turned into another cup of grief in the ocean of sadness in your head.

But no matter how much you wanted to cry and let your misery turn into salty droplets, it just never happened. With no one but yourself, you just swallowed it in and moved on. False. They gradually got collected for months and months and formed that depressing sea.

As you stepped outside, a cold wind bit at your cheeks. The air was freezing, and each breath created a mist in front of you. Wrapped up in a single jacket, you walked ahead, feeling the chill seeping through your clothes. At least the cold always hung in there with you. Also him. Maybe. So far.

You entered the building, and impatient as you were, you took the stairs. Standing in front of his door, you took your phone out to text him.

Y/n: “Password?”

Jay: “Gunter's birthday”

The warmth of Jay's home embraced you like a blanket as you walked in. You entered his room with a knock, and found him on the corner of his bed, glasses on as he typed rapidly on his laptop.

“Jay!” You whined. Despite how upset you were, you always felt playful with him. You took off your jacket as you dropped yourself on his bed.

“Back from school?” 

“Mhm”

He chuckled.

“Just imagine actually going to school”

“Hey!”

“What?”

“You're lucky”

“Why?”

“I'd rather constantly be working and having body aches like a middle aged uncle than go to that prison of a school” you said in pout.

“Aw, there there” he caressed your hair. He noticed your silence as you stared blankly into nothing. Minutes passed by, until your state was too concerning for him. “Something wrong?” 

You didn't know just two words could form tears in your eyes. You realised it wasn't your inability to cry, but the fact that no one cared to ask. No one wanted to listen to your cries. You sniffled, and he immediately understood, keeping his laptop aside as he sat you up.

“Hey hey, what happened?” The warmth of his hands met your cold skin as goosebumps rose around your entire body. You forgot about earlier in the day once you looked into his worried eyes. His face glowed in the perfect places, the low lights highlighting him like he was an angel. Now you sobbed for a different reason. You sobbed for everything, but nothing at all. You sobbed because Jay was just… perfect.

Because he treats you like a younger sister. A brat who constantly annoys him and whom he needs to tolerate. And who, considering his previous girlfriends, probably does not like younger girls.

You leaned your forehead on his chest, and he didn't hesitate to wrap his warm arms around you, patting your back. Such a big brother thing to do for a depressed younger sister. You hated it, which made your cries even worse. What a mess. You were crying in the arms of the reason for it.

“Hm?”

You shook your head. “Just school stuff”

“I understand if you don't wanna tell me” he said, before bringing you into a hug once more. Like an angel, he hummed softly into your ear as he drew circles at the back of your neck. If only life could be as beautiful as it was when he was next to you. His fingers were gentle and calming, and his body was like a blanket. You raised your head up.

“Jay?”

“Hm?”

“I need to get something out of my chest…”

“You can tell me, y/n, I won't judge” he smiled softly as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“I love you”

The words slipped out of your mouth without thinking after his action, until you realised and your eyes widened.

“I- I mean- yeah- no! I don't- but I do… I do. It's something- something I held in for so long and you don't really need to reply because I just wanted to let you know because… no I don't love you! I do, but I don't want- I mean, what I'm saying is- I understand if you don't wanna talk to me anym-”

“Say that again”

Your mouth opened and closed in confusion, a red tint now clearly visible on your cheeks.

“Wha-”

“Say it again” he looked at you with longing eyes, like he was begging you to.

“I- I love you…”

“Hm?” a slight smile formed on his face.

“I am in love with you, Park Jongseong”

His hands swiftly travelled to the back of your head and he brought your face closer to his. With your noses brushing against each other, his exhales came out like a soft wave of warmth. His eyes landed on yours, your lips just centimetres away.

“May I?” he asked, his voice low.

“Please”

[piracytheorist]

Top five deciding factors on who is a blorbo to you?

1. WHUMP. I'd be lying to myself and all of you if I said that isn't the top deciding factor. Just yesterday I rewatched the first few episodes of Naruto that I'd watched eons ago, and as we were introduced to Kakashi I started thinking "Why was that one the favourite?"... then there came the episode that he used his sharingan for the first time and at the end of it he collapsed from exhaustion... and that was it. That's what I had watched as a 13-year-old or so and said "This one. This is the favourite."

But seriously, most if not all of my blorbos have had canon moments where they get whumped in one way or another and that's what clicks it for me. I don't think I've had a blorbo that I didn't make up whumpy fanfic scenarios for. They're like geodes - they have to be beaten up to show their true beauty :D

2. Some kind of empathy. Look, call me boring, but while I can appreciate a well-rounded villain that gives no shit about how much pain they cause... if I'm to emotionally connect to a character, I need them to portray that same kind of emotional connection to someone else. They don't even have to be perfect heroes with clean records either - Killian Jones from Once Upon a Time and Twilight from Spy x Family are examples of the exact opposite of that - but I want them to be able to understand what it's like for someone else to hurt, and to want to comfort them in some form. It's not a coincidence that it was during season 3 of OUAT that I started loving Killian - when he started breaking through his bravado and showing how much he understood others' pain.

3. Characters who feel a lot in general. I want my blorbos to feel things, even if (in Twilight's case) they try to push them away. It's one of the things I realized while re-discovering my love for Yamato from Digimon. He's a character who felt a lot, tried to repress it, and it came bursting out of him until he accepted that it was okay to feel things a lot. He was also my only blorbo who hid his feelings out of a misplaced pride - and in his case it's understandable because he was a kid; other blorbos who hide their feelings mostly do it for self-preservation after having experienced a lot of hurt, with the narrative implying that they need to grow out of it eventually if they want to be happy. On the other hand, I had blorbos like Douxie, who were unabashedly themselves and never bothered to hide their feelings out of any kind of shame. And I really enjoy my blorbos being so expressive - it allows me some relatable moments so that I can explore my own feelings that way. (Also why whump helps. It forces out a lot of emotions)

4. SAD. I want to look at my blorbo and be like "Aw, poor guy. Now make it worse >:)". Like, I wish they can have a happy ending (Ethan ;_;) but I want them to suffer until that happens. Look, I ain't babysitting them! I'm consuming their content to escape reality, and watching characters go through shit is my way of expressing my own angst, because the world we live in forces us to undermine our own issues all the time and think "It could be worse!" so I've learned to find escapes through fiction. So make them SAD.

5. That said, Angst with a bit of humor. YMMV but I cannot handle a character who is all depression and is never ever used in a humorous way or form. From Killian "I'll flirt with anything that moves, to my own detriment" Jones, to Douxie "can't sing one note worth his damn" Casperan, to Manny "Grim Reaper on stilts" Calavera, to Ethan "Horrible One-Liners" Winters, to Loid "I have a totally normal wife and daughter :)" Forger, while I adore the angst they go through, they're still fictional characters and a tool for our recreation and expression, so they need to have a break where either the characters themselves or the narrative present a more humorous side to them.

Ask me my Top 5/Top 10 anything!

[prussianmemes]

tagged by @oppenheimer-style

Last song I listened to:

let me live out my fantasies of being a depressed seaman in 1946 standing alone on a pier in sevastopol or odessa, staring out into the black sea on a cold winter night, with a full moon and smoking a fag, only my hands and head emerging out of my great full sized wool overcoat, battered by the freezing misty winds...

у чернооООГОО МОРЯЯЯЯЯЯ!!!

у чернооООГОО МОРЯЯЯЯЯЯ!!!

Books l'm currently reading:

I've just been window shopping through journals like Kritika and other Sovietology collections, reading a mish mash of different articles hoping to find something new after finishing Schattenberg's Brezhnev biography (which kicked ASS btw, across the board).

Currently watching:

brainrot of watching more House M.D. to understand properly the in-jokes of my buddies and also because I can't be bothered to slog through more of Fargo.

it's not lupus. it's never lupus. :-(

Movie watch list:

There are so many. You have no earthly idea. But a few:

I'm awful enough with watching shows, let alone managing to watch kino films. So I've been trying to cover what I can.

Not quite sure who to actually tag, as some of these questions were a bit out of my usual activities, but tagging @scrtchptch @strziga @kriegsherrin @towerjunkies @mauswife @henbane-heretic @ladabane and whoever else wants to move to the rhythm with it...!!

[artisttrova]

Since I went through a depressive episode this winter, I've gained around 10 kilos(22 pounds for my yeehaw friends), which isn't great, but not that awful either

The only actually awful thing is that my breasts grew. It's a pain, ngl. I was always a busty person, but never in my life was I more uncomfortable with my chestsacks as I am now.

So, of course I've talked about how nice it would be to get a breast reduction, which saddened my husband. To note: we've been long distance for over a year when i started talking about it.

Now that we've lived together for a month, I think the man finally gets it, lol. I complain about pain daily, cause I'm a stomach sleeper and without my pillow I used back in my hkme country, I accidentally squeeze the living shit out of my chest meat.

I can't type on my computer, without liftjng or holding my breasts, I can't wear anything tight skin, I can't sit properly most of the time, i can't watch shit on my phone in my bed, I can't do A LOT of stuff, without pain.

Nowadays, seeing how I actually struggle, my husband did a whole 180 on the subject of breast reduction. We can't afford it, but he agrees it would be nice for me.

Why am I telling this? Idk. Maybe to just show how perspective and mutual understanding is key to a healthy relationship

Maybe I just hurt my tit again

Who knows

[behind-corner]

WE FROM A TO Z

Analizis - I make lots of analizis about people inside of my head.

Bands - There are so many bands that i like or would want listen to.

Citruses - I absolutely hate eating citruses.

Duality - I have a dual personality, i can be cute and in second to change into deep dark depressed weirdo.

Eating - I love good and tasty food.

Fan - I'm a big Star Wars fan from my childhood. Firefly could telling stories about it.

Garage - I and my another friend (which we can start calling Nova) have a band and play in her garage.

Handwork - It's my biggest hobby, i absolutely love crochetting. I used to hate it but now i crochet everyday.

Introverted - I'm a big introvert, expecelly around new people.

Jackets - My closet is full of different jackets, i love wearing them.

Kalimba - Only music instrument that I own.

Language - I'm absolutely awful in learning foregien languages, but i love my native one.

Metalhead - Do i really need to write something else here?

Norway - I absolutely live Norway and all Scandinavian countries. I would like to visit them one day.

Otamatone - The most cutest musical instrument. How cool would be to play at it in metalband?

Platypus - My favourite animal. I relate to it so much because is as weird as I.

Quiz - I love to play a board games with my family, but i mostly prefer a quiz ones.

Reading - I was born as bookworm.

Singing - I sing now a whole year. Yey.

Time - My biggest enemy. It goest extremly slow or extremly fast.

Vinils - I collect records. I absolutely love 70s and 80s and bit if 90s. So i own retro technic like gramophone and walkman.

Writting - I could write all day long if my hand wouldn't start ache and ideas wouldn't stop flowing to my mind.

Xenon - I love equations. Chemistry is full of them but i stil don't like it that much.

Yarn - Thing i spend lost of my money on. I have extreme amount of it at home.

Zentangle - Style in which i draw mostly, if i even draw. I love drawing cartoon flowers.

Your Nyx.

A- ATLA. Another great show and a childhood classic of mine.

B- Books! I love reading even though it's hard to focus on them from time to time

C- Clangen. I love this game so much if you can't tell already (/lh)

D- Drawing is my life and my soul even if I'm not that great at it right now.

E- Education. I love learning new things all the time!

F- Flight rising! A really nice cozy dragon game

G- Games. I absolutely love online games if it's not obvious by like 50% of the alphabet being games

H- Home. Social interaction is tiring as heck, so I like to stay at home most of the time.

I- Imagination. I have a really strong one and love to daydream especially in school.

J- Journal. I do keep one but I'm horrible at being consistent

K- Knitting. I have tried it but it takes way too much patience.

L- Lore. I love me a game with some good lore. Most likely because I watched game theory too much as a kid

M- Music. I absolutely love listening to all kinds of music all the time

N- Negativity. I tend to think pretty negatively about myself which can suck sometimes.

O- Ocean. While I have never been near any ocean It looks so nice and I would like to at least get close to it.

P- Pixel cat's end! Also a really nice game and very user friendly

Q- Quail. Just a silly bird that looks very cute. What else would you want from a bird?

R- Raccoon. I love racoons so much I wish you could kep them

S- Summer. My favourite season even though mosquitos are a pain.

T- The Owl House!!! Go check it out. It's an amazing show and we were robbed of s3

U- Understanding. I'm usually the mediator of my group so I'm pretty good at trying to understand people before judging

V- Vacation. One week of school and I already need it

W- Winter. My second favorite season! I love sculpting things out of the snow so much

X- X-ray. Because I've never actually had one thanks to never breaking any bone in my body I still find them quite scary

Y- Yo-yo. I have a friend trying to teach me yo-yo tricks even though I'm horrible at it

Z- Zombie. Because I feel like one whenever I'm at school. It's tiring.

Your Firefly

[louweasleymalfoy]

Masterlist

•••

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater

You said it looked better on me than it did you

Only if you knew how much I liked you

“Why is it so cold outside?” I whined as I pulled my knees to my chest, making Draco laugh.

"It’s winter Y/N/N" He playfully rolled his eyes as he pointed out the obvious "You should have known it was going to be cold"

I hummed in response and he looked at me through knitted eyebrows.

"Hold on" Draco ran to who knows where, leaving me behind.

The both of us were in the courtyard and not bringing a sweater was probably the dumbest idea I had.

Not even a minute has passed and Draco was back with a piece of clothing in his hands and he tossed it towards my direction.

"Here, wear my sweater you dummy"

I caught it, and gave him a smile of thanks.

"My hero" I dramatically said, placing a hand on my chest, as Draco ruffled my hair. "Can't have my dumb best friend freeze to death" I ignored his comment and decided to put it on.

As I pulled the sweater on, I was overwhelmed with the scent of green apples. It was comforting and I couldn’t help but feel instantly at peace.

"How do I look?" I asked him with a hopeful smile and he returned it with his own warm smile.

“You look better than me in it” He remarked and winked in my direction, making my heart melt and have butterflies erupt in my stomach. My words stuck in my throat.

I hated how Draco could make me so flustered like this. But unfortunately, he didn’t notice.

“Look!” I exclaimed, gesturing at the snowflake I caught in my hands.

“It’s beautiful,” I muttered, looking at the snowflake in awe. Unbeknownst to me, he was staring at me. “Yeah, it is,” Draco said

But I watch your eyes as she

Walks by

What a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than the blue sky

She's got you mesmerised while I die

Slytherin hosts the BEST parties, that is a fact. The party was in full swing at the common room as the students mingled with each other. I was standing by the table with Draco as we joked around, watching our friends get drunk.

"Fck you" I said as Draco made a snide comment about something I said.

"Maybe later" He said, giving me a flirty wink and I had to pretend that I didn't hear him, feeling myself blush. Whenever Draco got a couple of drinks in him, he would get in a flirtatious mood with me. I both loved it and hated it. When he was sober, he would never say something like that.

"You know I—" I stopped myself mid sentence when I noticed that Draco's focus was across the room. I followed his line of sight and saw the source of the distraction.

Heather

The girl waved in Draco's direction, making her way over as he didn’t take his eyes off of her.

All I could do was leave. I couldn’t stay there while he flirted with her. It would kill me.

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester

But you like her better

Wish I were Heather

I sat near the black lake with an empty bottle of fire whiskey in my hand. I wished I had another drink in my hand, but that would require me getting up from my spot.

Instead I closed his eyes and thought of everything and nothing. I feel someone sitting next to me and yet I made no effort to move, my eyes still shut.

"The stars look beautiful tonight don't you think?” A familiar voice said and I simply hummed in agreement.

"I feel like I don’t get nights like this as much as I want. When was the last time we went out to see the stars?" He continued and I opened my eyes.

"Draco, why are you here?" I asked him with furrowed brows "What? Am I not allowed to hang out with you anymore?" He playfully said with a grin and I rolled my eyes as he started to talk about random things.

"Theo is definitely not handling the break up well" Draco informed as we talked about our friend Theo who got his heart broken by a girl.

"Well trust me, dating is not fun" I said grumpily. He put his hand on my knee, making ne freeze up. "You know what Y/N? I can’t remember the last time you kissed someone"

"W-what?" I turned my head to look at him. "Oh come on, when was the last time you hung out with a guy that isn't me, Blaise, and Theo? When was the last time you kissed someone?"

"That's not true! I hang out with um..other guys?" I defended and yet I sounded unsure, looking away from him. "Oh yeah? Give me a guy's name that you've actually made out with"

There was a long silence to follow, before Draco said ever so casually "Well, you can kiss me if you want to? I don't mind" He offered

My head swiveled to face my friend, my mouth slightly agape in surprise. Draco laughed.

"Come on, I just want you to remember what it feels like. It’s just some fun between friends" He sat up, leaning towards me. "Yeah?" He asked.

I settled with a nod before Draco was inches from me. It felt like one of my craziest dreams as my eyes fluttered shut and I felt Draco's lips on mine.

It lasted no longer than ten seconds, but I could remember every detail. How his lips felt, how he exerted little pressure, and how it was over way before I wanted it to be. Draco pulled away so suddenly, his hand going up to his head.

"Woah. I think my head hurts. I better go to sleep. Goodnight Y/N" He got up from his spot and went inside.

I mumbled an agreement, wondering if I had just imagined the kiss.

Weeks later and I was still replaying those few minutes in my head.

Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand

Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder

But how could I hate her, she's such an angel

But then again, kinda wish she were dead

I turned to watch them as the pair walked along the hallways. Her hand was nestled into his, he was swinging it ever so slightly. She pointed to something in the distance and they stopped to look. She said something to make him laugh, and he slung his arm around her shoulder. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"You are just going to get more depressed the more you stare at them ya know?" I jumped a little at the sound of Pansy's voice as she gave me a sad smile. I turned to look at Draco. His cheeks were pink as he stumbled for words with Heather beside him, wearing his sweater.

"I wasn’t- I was just-"

"It’s okay Y/N/N, I know that you love him" I exhaled. "Is it really that obvious?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Probably not. I’m just observant. He should just admit that he likes you I’m sorry that he's with that btch."

“She’s not a btch” I said weakly, but couldn’t stop a sad smile form "I bet she's nice. I mean Draco likes her, not me. He'll probably only see me as a friend" I said as I feel my heart ache.

"So? You like her for Draco then?" Pansy asked

I looked back over to the pair where they were growing smaller in the distance.

"Is it bad I kinda wish she didn’t exist?"

"Not really" Pansy replied, placing a hand on my shoulder "We’ve all been there"

"I feel so stupid. Having feelings for my best friend" I muttered

She reached over to take my hands. "You can’t help who you fall in love with Y/N/N. I’m really sorry that you are in this situation. I could've sworn you two would end up with each other, turns out Draco is just blind to see that"

"He never loved me that way Pansy, I don't know what you're talking about, but still thank you for understanding.

I was embarrassed, but I felt tears threatening to fall from my eyes. It was nice to share my struggle with someone else.

"I think I’m going to sleep in our dorm" I said, letting go of her hands, and she gave me a nod. Before I left, she pulled me into an embrace, engulfing me in her arms.

"It’ll be okay Y/N/N, I promise you"

I thanked her and left, thinking of a certain blonde haired boy with grey eyes. I slammed the door shut and walked over to my closet.

I searched for something to wear and saw his sweater. I let my fingers run through the fabric and decided to wear it. I immediately crawled into bed and pulled the covers over me.

I closed my eyes as I cried myself to sleep. Of all the people my heart could have chosen, it decided on a boy who only saw me as a friend and nothing more. All I could do now was imagine what would've happened if he loved me back.

I wish I was Heather

•••

Part 2

[ganymedesclock]

These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.

1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?

2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?

In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.

Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.

Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.

My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.

For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:

Research is your friend

Think about broad conventions of ableism

Be mindful of cast composition

1. Research is your friend

Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:

What's the story on this character's disability?

Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in! Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)

And that dovetails into:

What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?

This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.

Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.

2. Think about broad conventions of ableism

It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:

Failing the “heartwarming dog” test

This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.

Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.

Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user. 

It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.

This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.

Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand

A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:

Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!

The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.

Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.

(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)

On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.

The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”

As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.

Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.

Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.

BUT.

It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”

This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.

You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.

Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!

Disability accommodations are part of life

This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!

Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist. 

(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)

3. Be mindful of cast composition

This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!

Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!

Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!

The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.

-

Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!

[rowyn-writes]

A Mother's Love Part Two

Warnings: Pregnancy, fluff, major angst, implications of depression

Pairings: Dean x Wife!Reader

Characters: Dean, Jack, Sam, Reader, Cas (Mentioned only)

Word count: 3k

You sat on the couch of your childhood home, staring blankly at the T.V. Your knees were pulled up to your chin as you had your arms wrapped around your legs. It had been three weeks since you left the bunker, and you felt empty inside.

Your mother sat beside you, a cup of tea and honey in her hand and a concerned look on her face. "Darling, you have to eat something. I know you haven't been feeling well, but you still need to stay healthy." You didn't respond to her as she set the cup of tea in your hands.

Everything felt numb. It was like you didn't feel any emotions at all. The world felt dull. Like all color had been stripped and it left you in darkness.

"Sweetheart, what happened?" She asked softly. Even though you had been with your parents for almost a month now, you had never fully discussed what happened with Dean.

"Mom, please-"

"No, Y/N." She put her foot down. "You call me one day, clearly upset saying that you and Jack were going to stay here for a while. You get here and you don't look like the daughter that I knew. You've changed."

You scoffed at your mother's words. "I'm getting a divorce, of course I've changed."

She sucked in a breath of air. "Y/N. What happened?" You gave your mother a brief rundown of what happened with you, Dean and Jack. "Oh, honey." She sympathized. "I am so sorry. You know that you and Jack are welcomed to stay as long as you like. I know your father is excited to have a grandchild."

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked up to your mother. "What?"

"Jack, of course." She explained. "Look at them. Your dad's so happy. It's about time you give us a grandson."

"Lord knows you couldn't count on Chris for that." You rolled your eyes. "He can't keep a girl to save his life." Your smile began to fade slightly as your stomach did flips. Your mom noticed your green complexion and ran to grab a trash can. It was nearly too late as you felt your dinner from last night coming back up. She held your hair back as you did so, calling for your dad to get a wet washcloth.

You felt a cold cloth across your forehead, cooling your body. "Mom!" Jack said worriedly. "Are you okay?.

"She's okay, kiddo." Your dad assured him. "She's just not feeling too well." He mumbled skeptically.

You sat back against the couch, holding the rag to your head. "Jack," Your mom called. "Why don't you and I go make some cookies?"

Jack smiled at the idea, looking to you for approval. "You don't have to ask me, sweetheart. Go have fun."

You mother dipped down to whisper something unintelligible in your dad's ear before going to the kitchen.

"Y/N," He shook his head. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Because I don't want it to be real." You muttered. "I don't want to think about the last thing that Dean said to me or the look on his face. I want to wake up and for this whole thing to be a dream. But I know it's not. I won't wake up next to him tomorrow and I don't get to tell him how much I love him." You chocked on a sob, covering you mouth with your hand so Jack wouldn't hear.

"Oh, my sweet girl." Your dad said softly, pulling you into his side. "I am so sorry, my darlin'." You rested your head on his shoulder as tears slipped down your cheeks. "That's not it, though. Is it? There's something else."

"Papa, I think I'm pregnant." You confessed. "I'm late and I've been sick all week."

"Have you taken a test yet?" He asked. You shook your head. "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go by the drug store and get a couple of tests, just to be sure, and I'll grab you some food on the way home. How does that sound?"

"Great." You said with a small smile. He kissed the top of your head before grabbing the keys and heading out of the house.

---

Five.

Five tests that had come back positive. Each one that you looked at made your heart sink more and more. "Oh god." You whimpered. "Damnit."

"What does it say, sweetie?" Your mother questioned from the other side of the door. You slowly opened it up and showed her the positive pregnancy test.

"Are they all positive?" You nodded.

"What am I gonna do?"

"I think you should call Dean-"

"No." You said firmly. "I'm not calling Dean. He made it very obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore."

"Y/N," Your mother spoke firmly. "I'm not justifying what Dean said or did in the moment, however, he was just as hurt as you were because you were leaving with Jack and you didn't know how long you would be gone. I really think you should call him. I think he would want to know you're pregnant with his baby."

You sighed at her words. You knew she had a point. She was your mother, she's always right. "What if he doesn't care?" You whispered. "What if he hears my voice and hands up on me?"

"Then that's his loss, honey." She cooed. "The least you can do is try."

---

MEANWHILE, AT THE BUNKER;

"Dean." Sam shook his brother. "Dean. C'mon dude, wake up."

Dean groaned as his eyes peeled open. "What?" He grumbled.

"You've been sleeping in here all night." Sam said, crossing his arms. "You should probably get some rest in your own bed, or at the very least, the couch. And charge your phone while you're at it, it's dead."

Dean stretched add he looked at the empty whiskey bottle set on the table and the picture of your wedding day beside it. It had been a rough few weeks since you had left. "You know I can't go sleep in that damn bed." He growled.

"Dean, I offered to switch rooms with you-"

"I don't want to switch rooms!" He snapped. "I want my wife back."

Sam frowned as he looked at his brother. He looked awful. He hasn't shaven in weeks, his hair's a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Why don't you call her, Dean?"

"Because, after what I said, she'll never take me back. I was too harsh on her. Plus my phone is broken."

"One, you have ten phones, and two, yeah, you were a complete ass." Sam agreed. "You should have seen her when she left here. I had never seen anyone so. . . Broken before. You know they sparkle she had in her eyes?" Dean nodded. "It was gone. Her entire face seemed dull, almost like she had aged ten years."

Dean put his head in his hands, feeling defeated. "What have I done?"

"I don't know, but you had better make it right."

---

"Still no answer?" Your father asked. You had called Dean three times now and still no answer.

"Nope. Not a sound."

"I'm sorry honey," Your mother sympathized, rubbing your back. It's that anything we can do?"

"Yeah," You nodded. "I need space. I need to spend more time with Jack before the baby comes. I just want to know what it's like to be a mother."

"Of course." Your dad agreed. "Take the keys to the cabin in Colorado. I know that's a lot of good memories there and no pesky neighbors to worry about "

"Thanks, dad." You smiled. "We'll be outta here soon."

"You don't have to leave in a rush, kiddo. You know that we love having you here."

"I know."

---

"Why are we going to your parents cabin in Colorado?" Jack asked curiously as he peered out the window.

"Uh," You bit your lip as you tried to come up with a suitable lie to tell Jack. You hated how much you were lying to Jack lately, but you knew that he wouldn't understand the things that you were going through. "I just wanted to show you the place and stay up there for a little while. It's nice and quiet, you'll love it. It's cold up there and it's snowy in the winter. I used to go sledding all the time when I was younger and then my parents would call me in for hot chocolate and a movie. We can do that together. How does that sound, Jack?"

"It sounds great, Mom!" He smiled goofily. Every time he called you 'Mom,' your heart melted. You loved that Jack felt so comfortable around you to call you his mother. You knew that you would never be able to replace Kelly, and you would never want to, but you did want to make him feel safe and loved. You wanted Jack to know what a mother's love feels like. Jack blamed himself for the death of his mother, and you understood his grief, but you had told him time and time again that it wasn't his fault. Kelly wanted to go through with the pregnancy and refused to listen to anyone else's opinions on the matter. You just wished he understood that.

You felt a tear roll down your cheek, quickly wiping it away. "What's wrong, Mom?" Jack questioned. "Is it about Dean?"

You glanced over at Jack in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, Sam and Dean aren't here, and Dean hasn't called you to check up on you since we left. I know that whenever you go on a hunt by yourself, Dean calls you everyday to make sure you're okay."

You sighed heavily as you looked at the road in front of you. "Dean and I are. . . Going through a tough time right now. That's why I wanted to get away for a while. And I didn't want to go by myself, so that's why I wanted you to come with me."

"Are we ever going back to the bunker?"

"I don't know. . . It's a difficult situation, Jack. Right now, I don't think that I will be going back home anytime soon. But if you want to go back, I'll take you back. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do."

"I want to stay with you." He said firmly. "But I also want you to be happy. You don't look happy anymore. You don't smile or laugh the way you used to. You sit on the couch watching reruns of Friends, and I've heard you crying at night. Sometimes I think you forget that I don't sleep very much."

You said nothing in response, knowing that Jack was right. You wanted to call Dean one more time, but you knew it was fruitless. He wasn't going to answer. But you did have Sam. When you finally arrived at the cabin, you sent Jack to unpack while you dialed Sam's number. After three rings, he finally picked up.

"Hello, Y/N? Are you okay? How's Jack?" He asked in one breath.

"Hey, Sammy. I'm fine, and so is Jack. I just wanted to call and make sure that you haven't gotten killed by anything."

"Nope, we're still alive." He gave a small chuckle. "How are you, Y/N, really? Don't lie to me, because I know when you're lying."

"I miss him." You sniffed. "Being away from him hurts me." Your voice cracked, forcing you to clear your throat. "We've been married for five years. And I know that to the average person that doesn't seem like a long time, but we're hunters, Sam. You know how hard it is to stay in a relationship in our line of work. I've been in love with him for half my life, and now, for us to be in this situation, it sucks, Sam. I can't think of any other word to describe it. It really fucking sucks."

Sam was quiet for a moment as he listened to you cry. "I'm sorry this is happening, Y/N. I never thought that this would happen to you and Dean. But I've known Dean my whole life, and I've known you since we were twenty, so I think that I'm entitled to make a judgement on this." You let out a small laugh. "You two have been in love longer than you've been together, but both of you have been to dumb to realize it. You argue like cats and dogs because you're so certain about what you believe in. You're both so passionate about things that you never let up. And now that you're finally together, you have been so happy. Dean has never felt this way about anyone that he's been with, male or female. He loves you so much, Y/N, that it kills him. You have both come too far to for things to end like this. I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told Dean; fix this."

"I want to, Sammy, I just don't know how."

"Stop hiding, for one. You can't fix something when you're hundreds of miles away." You groaned as you felt a wave of nausea was over you. "Y/N?" You quickly made your way to the bathroom. "Y/N? What's going on? Are you okay?"

You leaned against the wall once you were done throwing up. "Yeah, yeah, Sam, I'm okay."

"What was that about, then?" Sam questioned. When you didn't answer, he began putting the pieces together himself. "You're pregnant."

"SHH!" You hissed. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? Because you don't want Dean to know?" He spoke coldly.

"Sam, please, don't say anything."

"How long have you known, Y/N? And how long do you plan on keeping this from Dean?"

You sighed as you pinched the bridge of your nose. "I've known for a couple of days, okay? And I don't know when or how I'm going to tell Dean. He made it very clear that he didn't want anything to do with me the last time we talked. Besides, I tried to call him and he didn't answer my calls, so don't try to pin me off as the bad guy here."

"When did you try to call him?" The hard edge in Sam's voice disappeared.

"Three days ago, when I found out I was pregnant."

You could hear Sam let out a small laugh. "Three days ago I came in the kitchen to find Dean passed out on the table, hung over as hell and holding on to the picture of your wedding day. And beside him was his broken phone. His main phone, which I'm assuming is the one that you called?"

"Yeah. . ." You said meekly.

"Hang up and call his second phone. Please, will you do that for me?"

"Yes," You nodded, even though you knew he couldn't see you.

"I love you, Y/N/N."

"I love you too, Sammy." You sighed as you hung up the phone. You were terrified to call Dean. You hadn't spoken to him since that night all those weeks ago. You were still hurt, and you knew that Dean was hurting as well, and all you wanted was to hear his voice. You took a deep breath as you dialed his second phone number.

It rang five times before going to voicemail, making your heart sink. Not a minute later, the number called back. "Hello?"

"Y/N." Dean's voice said gruffly. "Sam told me you were going to call."

"Did. . . Did he tell you anything else?" You asked.

"Just that I needed to talk to you. What's going on?"

"I miss you," You confessed. You needed to tell Dean everything, and that included telling him how you felt. "I hate the way things ended between us, and I know that it wasn't solely on you or me. But I love you, Dean, and I will never stop loving you. And I know it's unfair I left and this is how I'm trying to get you back; over the phone. I would much rather be doing this in person. But I love you, Dean, and I always will. No matter what you say or do, I love you."

You could hear Dean struggling to breathe correctly. "Where are you?"

"My parents cabin, wh-"

"I'll be tomorrow morning." And with that, he hung up.

---

You paced back and forth in the living room, biting your nails. Dean didn't say what time he was going to be here, but he just said that he would be here in the morning. You had stayed up all night thinking about him. About the way his hair fell into his face after a shower, and how he always smelled like whiskey and firewood. The way his eyes would crinkle at the edges whenever he laughed, really laughed. But your favorite thing was when you had just finished a hunt, and you would go to lie down in bed, Dean would pull you close to him and whisper how much he loves you.

A sharp knock at the door snapped you out of your trance. "Who is it, Mom?" Jack asked, peering around the corner.

"Why don't you come see, kiddo." You wiped your sweaty palms on your jeans before opening the door to reveal Sam and Dean. "Hi," You smiled. Sam was the first to come inside and hug you. He grinned as he pulled away, ruffling your hair.

"Why don't I take Jack into town for a little bit while you guys work this out?" He suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Jack, go put on your shoes, you're going into town with Sam for a little while." Jack beamed at your works, hurriedly putting his shoes on a following Sam out the door.

"Hi," You said once more after Sam and Jack were gone. Dean didn't say a word as he hugged you tightly. You melted into his touch, feeling comfort in his embrace. The familiar smell of whiskey and firewood filled your nostrils. You closed your eyes to savor this moment. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

taglist:

@vicariouslythruspn @mimaria420 @fofisstilinski @daphnen21 @katwed @anunstablefangirl @desimarie12 @alderpine @rebeccaitsnotwhatyouthink @akshi8278

Also, yes, there will be a part 3

[vaxyl]

Been feeling the winter blues and thinking about my gran, ended up writing this.

Fandom: Critical Role

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Spoilers for Campaign 1 of Critical Role, Talk of Suicidal Ideation, Reference To Past Canonical Death

Characters: Vex'ahlia (POV), Vax'ildan (mentioned), Vecna (mentioned), The Raven Queen (mentioned), Percival de Rolo III (implied), Vesper Elaina de Rolo (implied)

Relationships: Vax'ildan & Vex'ahlia (siblings), Vex'ahlia and Percival de Rolo III (romantic, implied)

Words: 436

Blurb: A year had passed, yet Lady Vex'ahlia de Rolo has found that her pain over losing her brother is far from gone.

With her head swimming full of negative thoughts, she takes a quill to an empty book and vents away.

Link To Work on AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35908975

Fic under cut:

- - - - - - - - - -

Dear Diary,

They say time heals all wounds, that the ache fades and the longing dies.

Well, to that I call bullshit.

My brother has been dead for One Year, Five Months, Eighteen Days, Sixteen Hours and Nine Minutes at the time of me writing this paragraph.

The pain is as present as ever, my heart torn completely in half at his loss.

Not even the birth of my daughter or my marriage has been a balm on this wound of the soul.

Vax'ildan was my world, his death at the hands of Vecna followed by his ascension to his eternal position as Champion Of The Raven Queen has done to me things I could never have previously imagined at all possible or likely.

Vecna may as well have ripped my heart out and ate it that day, for without my twin I fear I shall slowly falter until an early grave.

My husband and our many loved ones worry for me greatly, yet I don't believe they truly understand the state I remain in.

I've been rendered broken hearted with no cure in sight, nor would I want one should one even ever be presented to me.

I wish to return to my brother's side at the earliest opportunity I may face.

I cannot bear to see my own reflection anymore, my hair too short to be braided ever again, his feather clutched to my chest at all hours.

I dreaded to think of a world where I lived without him for so long, and at last I've found myself in it.

It's awful, nothing is worth the pain of losing him.

I don't know what to do with myself, but the remnants of my heart beg for me to find the highest point in all of Whitestone so I can fly off it.

I think we both know that should I do such a thing, I would not be taking my broom or any other means of giving me flight.

He was depressed for so long, my dearest love and best friend, at war with his own mind constantly.

Was this what he experienced?

How did Vax'ildan survive himself with these thoughts running through his head?

I ought to drown them out, I really must, lest I leave my husband a widow and my daughter motherless.

But it's so tempting.

What would Vax'ildan think of me should I do it?

Guess I'll never know unless I try, but I can't imagine he'd be thrilled with me.

I think I'm going to go rest now, I feel so cold and alone, it's exhausting.

Faithfully, Vex'ahlia ×××

[thebasswizzard]

SPRING is the greatest metaphor. It's that place in your life where you've been depressed. Where you've been trapped. Where you've been stuck, you've been uninspired, where you've been heartbroken... where everything seems hopeless. And suddenly! This glimmer, of light springs up, inside of you!. You've GOTTA remember what I'm talking about, it's so EASY to forget when you're wandering through the bleak darkness, when you're lost, when you're confused, when you're uninspired, when you're lonely, it's so EASY to forget that nothing lasts, including those bleak states.

And now all of a sudden out of the blue-- if you're a writer, that great idea will come and you'll find yourself writing again. Or if you're a comedian new jokes will start coming (I promise they start coming again). Or if you're somebody who has been alone for a long time you'll meet someone new, and realize that it's possible to fall in love again. That's what SPRING's all about!

SPRING is about grinning from ear to ear if you realize that LIFE. HAPPENS. AGAIN. That it can't be pushed back or stopped and that your idea that everything was gonna be awful forever was ridiculous! It doesn't follow the pattern of life, of nature. These dark scientists blogging about "the collapse of industrial civilization," "impending doom," "everything falling apart". They're just focusing on the winter. They don't understand that, yeah sure, civilizations collapse, just like there's winter. But things grow from that collapse.

Don't just focus on ONE PART of the cycle, that's the point! If you're trapped in winter, if your brain is in a permafrost, if you've managed to convince yourself that things don't get better, and you're lost forever: permanently broke, permanently alone, permanently sick... it's NOT TRUE! You're not gonna be permanent ANYTHING. That's what spring's all about.

I LOVE SPRING... -Duncan Trussell

[birbtails]

everything's awful and im so tired of it. i keep not doing laundry so im wearing a shirt thats too tight + is giving me sensory overload and im so fucking far behind on my school work. i swear im trying but its just not enough and none of it makes sense and thats probably because im so far behind but im so tired and i just want someone to help. but i always have to be the one reaching out and i don't know how to do that! i don't know how to tell my professors that yes, i know some of this shit is a month late and i know we only have a few weeks left in the semester but i kinda want to kill myself so can i turn it in by monday? because i swear i can do that. and im dealing with the worst depression ive possibly ever had and i don't really Want to die but if someone killed me or something happened that wouldn't be too bad?? i just want one of my friends to reach out to me and help but they're not going to and i don't really blame them bc everyone has so much shit going on but i honestly just want like,, an older sibling or something to just give me a hug and help me figure out how to deal with everything because im eating an average of a meal and a half a day and i haven't taken my meds in 2 days because i haven't gotten out of bed until 2 pm. i just need help but i don't have anyone to help me. my parents aren't an option (and gods, i can't believe i was starting to almost consider them an option. im so naive) and my brother is younger than me and going through his own shit and i already put so much on him when we were kids and im not super close with most of my friends bc i don't know how to trust people and j is dealing with so much and were growing apart and i don't know how to deal with it because i miss him so much and i don't want to lose him. and my therapist suggested taking a break from school and keeps pushing me to talk with my parents but if i stop school i might legitimately kill myself bc i can't deal with being at home. summers already terrifying me and i have winter break to look forward to (/s) and i do not think i can deal with being back there full time after having lived away from them. im so stressed about school and all i can think to do is show up to office hours and just ask for an extension?? but i don't understand how. why can't there be rule books for this shit??? i just want to understand how to do things, how to interact with people. i can't focus anymore and i hate it. i want to tear my brain out and fix it somehow. i know its adhd and theres nothing broken but gods its so hard. i just want to be able to sit down and do my homework and regularly take showers and eat food and go to class. i know things will get better but they're so hard now. is it so wrong to just want to be taken care of for a bit? just to have someone hold me and to feel safe? just for a little bit.

[handful-of-flowers]

I don't know how to feel normal this time of year. I don't understand how winter can make me feel so deeply like hell. The depression is heavy and I see it on everything. The only time I ever had the thought of what it'd be like if I wasn't around anymore without immediately telling myself to stop. So easy for me to be depressed and not want to be here. I don't even know how to deal with it. I won't take pills, idk if I can afford a therapist or if I even want one it's 50/50 that it would even help I feel like. Any pain is felt so so deeply it fucks with me. Everything that makes me upset no matter how small fucks with me and I sit and wonder why it's like that. I see myself hangout with my friends less these days even though I feel like I neeed them around me. I can see some things in myself as a person that I don't like, and it's hard for me to figure out how to try to somehow fix myself. I can be really sensitive to specific things due to my past and I don't know how to override those feelings. I feel like nobody fully understands me and that I have good intentions and care endlessly for the people I love, but that's overlooked or not loud enough for a lot of people? Maybe I care too deeply which is why I get so upset about smaller things sometimes, but it's so hard for me to try and stop I don't know how. I can't make myself not care and I wish I had more control of my emotions when I know I'm being too much. I don't know what to do besides try to go on vacation somewhere sunny and different. Last year was the same shit and I laid in bed a majority of the time thinking about dying. I don't have much to complain about in my life lately except for what's in my head and my strong feelings and it's just confusing and weird and awful. This is the 3rd winter I've spent like this and it's eating me up. I don't want to turn into some bitter girl. I don't wanna lose the optimistic feelings and happiness I feel any other time of the year. Idk