#will trigger a rude and thoughtless comment from someone

[son1c]

i’m kind of begging for people to be considerate when it comes to commenting on my art. if what you have to say is weird or rude (i.e. accusing me of putting the straight pride flag in a drawing when the background is literally just black and white and also i am fucking bisexual) then maybe you just shouldn’t say anything at all. it makes me feel bad about drawings that i previously was proud of, and makes me not want to share my art anymore.

[zoeykallus]

Hey! This is a bit much, so there is a trigger warning for the rest of this.

I had someone that I thought was a friend 'out' me in front of a bunch of guys. We had been on the topic of sex and my 'friend', knowing I have a history with SA and r*pe, made an offhand comment about:

'Well, you started early in your childhood. I personally think 5 years old is a little young, but what do I know?'

I guess she was trying to look cool in front of the guys? Or make herself look better? I've cut off the friend, but the looks I got from the guys in that group make me sick.

Regardless, I was wondering how you think the Batch (+Gregor and Fives, if you think it would fit?) would react to someone saying something like this to their friends or partner when the Batcher didn't know about it. Or, at least someone making fun of their friend or partners SA/r*pe trauma in a public setting like this.

I know that this is a lot, so please don't feel pressured to do this at all! If you need to delete this, it is 1000% fine. I do want to say that I'm good, and things are okay now, just so you don't worry about that. I love you, I love your work, and thank you for all that you do! Good luck, best wishes, and much love!

- 🪼

Aloha!

First off, I'm sorry you made this experience, not only the violation, this breach of your physical (as well as mental) integrity, but also this thoughtless and unreflective, rude behavior of your former friend.

Ooof. I thought about this one for a very long time, keeping it in my drafts for even longer. Opening the file, thinking for a moment, and closing it again. I have long thought about whether I can and want to write something about it. But these are the wrong questions. This is more about whether I should. Finally, I have decided to go into the subject, hoping to be able to provide some comfort.

The HCs are relatively short and to the point, at least that was my goal. I didn't want to go into too much depth, especially since I wanted to include all the characters you asked for and leave out too many triggers.

The focus is mostly, almost only, on the guys' reaction to mentioned friend.

I'm glad to read that you are in a good/safe place now! Thanks for letting me know 💜

The Bad Batch/Fives HCs x Reader - Outrageous And Thoughtless

Trigger Warnings: Mention Of Abuse/ SA/Hurt/Mention Of Traumatic Events/Strong Language/(18+)

Situation:

In the presence of your partner, a friend makes a remark regarding your past and reveals sexual abuse you were subjected to in the past. Something that your batcher does not know yet.

Hunter

At first, he can't quite grasp what he has just heard. Immediately afterward, his keen senses perceive how the situation overtakes you, panics you and makes you feel insecure. He frowns in annoyance and turns to your friend who has been talking so thoughtlessly. "Will you please back off!!! That was very inappropriate!" Your heart races, plagued by memories and above all the fear that Hunter now sees you in a different light, you stand there rooted to the spot, all muscles tense. Adrenaline is produced in your body, as in a fight or flight situation. Hunter approaches you, taking your hand carefully, tenderly. "Take a deep breath," he says softly, "And exhale again." As your acquaintance is about to speak up again, Hunter interrupts with a sharp look. His expression clearly says that silence is the best option now. Your hand trembles in his, and Hunter pulls back with you, away from everyone else present. He looks at you, quietly, gently. He smiles tentatively.

"It's all good. You're safe with me. You know that, right?" You nod, of course you know you are safe with him, and you are very grateful for that. "Good," he says contentedly, "You don't have to explain anything to me. Everything is okay. Take a breath first. You can talk to me anytime you want, but you don't have to." You take a shaky breath and nod again. "Thank you," you say softly. Hunter kisses your temple tenderly. "There's no need to thank me. That you are safe and secure with me is a given."

Echo

His eyes widen. Echo stares at your friend and grits his teeth. His gaze wanders to you and he sees the anger and panic bubbling under your surface. His hand clenches into a fist. He would like to break your friend's nose, but he pulls himself together as best he can. "How dare you say something so insensitive, so thoughtless?" Your friend looks at him in surprise. As they are about to answer, however, Echo raises his hand to interrupt your friend. "Don't bother. I don't expect a meaningful answer from someone with so little subtlety," he says, growling. Your friend looks at you, smiling, trying to salvage the situation more poorly than good, but Echo puts himself between the two of you, his anger almost palpable. "I think the evening is over, you should leave now," he says harshly.

His tone doesn't tolerate any backtalk, and no one dares to contradict him. His shoulders are tense, you can see it in his posture. When you are alone, a part of you does not dare to look him in the eye. You have the uneasy feeling that everything is different now, that Echo perceives you differently. But Echo's feelings for you don't shrink in any way, he has the same sincere respect as before, and you won't lose his affection anytime soon. "Look at me," he says softly. As your eyes meet, he smiles and says, "I hope you'll forgive my outburst, my interfering. What came out of your friend's mouth was incredibly tactless." You swallow, nod, finally daring to take a breath. Echo spreads his arms wide, and you automatically lean into his embrace, grateful for his closeness, protection and understanding.

Wrecker

He has just turned over the grill when he hears the words. His brothers are also all sitting at the table, with you and a friend you brought along. It has suddenly become very quiet, only the sizzle of the grill can be heard. Wrecker spins around the huge tongs in his hand. He blinks, within seconds he is torn between worry, anger and confusion. Worry and anger prevail and the handle of the tongs creaks under his hardening grip. He looks directly at your friend and says, "Why do you expose her like that in public? That's not something you do with a friend." Your friend, who doesn't really think much and just wanted to stand out among the men, realizes that the attempt is about to backfire. "That's a good question," growls Crosshair, who moves the toothpick back and forth between his lips with a piercing look. That's the first sentence he says tonight. You sit silently in between. For a moment, you toy with the idea of forcing a laugh or running away, doing something to take away this feeling of exposure. But you feel heavy as lead, as if you were stuck on the camping chair.

Hunter says quietly but clearly to your guest, "It's best if you leave now." Wrecker has put the barbecue tongs in Echo's hand and comes over to you, somberly eyeing your friend as they nervously make their way out of the way, hastily avoiding his gaze. Wrecker sits down in the chair next to you, grasping your hand tenderly. "What would you like to do now, dear?" he asks gently. You look at him questioningly. "What?" "Do you want to talk? Do you want to be alone? Should we just keep enjoying the evening?" he asks. You take a deep breath. "Can we pretend that didn't happen just now?" you ask quietly. As if on cue, movement comes into the round. Tech gets up and starts setting the table, Echo continues to tend to the grill, Hunter hands out drinks, Crosshair gets a deck of cards from the Marauder, and Wrecker stays with you. He acts normal, he doesn't press you, he doesn't ask questions, but he stays close to you just in case you still need a hug or a listening ear. Neither he nor his brothers will ever bring up the subject again, but if you want to talk, you can count on Wrecker.

Tech

He's very direct himself sometimes, but what he just heard is way off the mark. Tech is sitting next to you and your friend is sitting across from you. He lifts his eyes from the cup he was looking into earlier, lost in thought, and looks at the person sitting across from you. "That was very inappropriate," he says, frowning critically. He can't for the life of him imagine what could tempt a person, a friend at that, to abuse your trust like this. He is sure that you told this person these things in confidence, because he himself knew nothing about it until now. Since you neither deny that the statement is true nor do anything else in this way, he assumes that there must be some form of truth in it. "Why? It's not a lie. I thought you knew about it," the friend says promptly. Tech can feel you tensing up next to him, he can guess how uncomfortable you are with all of this, even though no words are crossing your lips at the moment. "No, I didn't. And even if I had known, that's not a subject you just bring up casually. It's a traumatic subject, and the way you deal with it is very inconsiderate."

You finally say quietly, "Maybe we should postpone this meeting and back off." Tech looks at you, his expression softening. He nods at you and takes your hand as you both stand up. Your friend tries to persuade you to stay, but Tech says, "I don't think we'll be doing this again," and gently but firmly pulls you with him. On the way home, he says, "I have to say I'm surprised. I thought you were good friends." "I thought so too." Tech says, "You need to pick your friends better." His hand gently squeezes yours as he asks, "Are you okay?" "I'm confused" you admit, "And I'm scared". He stops and looks at you. "Of what?" "Of you seeing me differently now," you admit. He shakes his head, softly stroking your face, "You're still the same person, the person I love. Nothing about that has changed. What I've come to know and love about you is still there, no one can just take that away from you."

Crosshair

He's so perplexed, the toothpick he was chewing on before falls out of his mouth. Crosshair stares at your friend, who thinks they're being particularly funny or whatever. Then his gaze moves to you, and he sees how you seem to be getting smaller and smaller, because your colleague keeps talking. "Shut up," he finally snaps, giving the blabbermouth a sharp look. All is quiet, Crosshair's somber expression seems to unnerve your friend. "'Say, are you shitting me?' How do you come to talk such private things entrusted to you like that, as if you were telling a joke? Did they drop you on your head too many times when you were a kid? Or bathed you too hot?" Your friend just stares dumbly at Crosshair, wide-eyed. This reaction is probably unexpected. The Sniper growls as he pulls a fresh toothpick from his belt and puts it between his lips, "You better get out of here before I get the idea of hurting you."

Everything about this situation has surprised you so much and thrown you off course, that you simply remain silent and observe the situation as if you didn't even belong to it. Only when your friend is gone and Crosshair addresses you do you awaken from your rigidity. He says, "We're not inviting that person again. Only over my dead body." You nod and say quietly, "Okay." He frowns worriedly as he sees your strange expression. "I have to say a few things I understand better now, though. Like your reticence when we first met, your jumpiness at every touch" You absolutely don't want to talk about it, you just want to forget that Crosshair knows about it now. As if he reads your mind, he says, "We don't invite that person anymore and this never happened". You nod and breathe such a sigh of relief that he notices it too. "Hey Kitten, but just so you know if you want to talk, we can do that, okay?" Again you nod, grateful for his understanding, grateful that he has once again acted as your shield as he so often does.

Fives

His gaze jumps back and forth between you and your friend. His muscles tense and he almost feels a bit sick, from anger, but above all from concern for you. He can see from your reaction that unfortunately it wasn't just a very tasteless joke. There are a few of his brothers present, and he can roughly imagine how exposed you must feel right now. So his first reaction is to remove you from the crowd. Fives grabs your hand and pulls you with him. "We have to go now," he says with a grin to the crowd and says goodbye. He gives your friend a very sharp, admonishing look as they attempt to follow you, though. "Just stay away," he hisses at them, on the verge of lashing out, he just barely holds back. "Fives... I," you start, but break off again. You don't know what to say to him at all. "It's okay, you don't have to explain anything to me," he says softly and walks with you out of the bar into the open. He takes one last look to make sure you weren't followed, especially by your so-called friend, then calls a cab for you.

"Fives?" you ask him as you sit together in the back of the cab. "Yeah?" You gulp and ask, "Now that you know about it....," but break off again. "What's up with that? Do you want to talk about it?" he gently prods. You shake your head, "Not really. Not now anyway." Fives nods and says, "Then we don't have to talk about it either, sweetie. Relax, you'll talk to me when you feel ready. And if that's never the case, for whatever reason, then I have no problem with that either" "You're the best," you say with relief, leaning into the arm he puts around you. "I know"

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

I decided to not tag anyone, just in case.

[sideprince]

I didn't say it was right, I merely suggested putting things in the context of their own time period. I didn't say anything was morally correct, in fact I didn't qualify the suggestion to contextualize in any way, so please stop assuming bad faith where there is none. I'll say what I've often said on other posts - the Snapedom is FULL of people with various kinds of trauma, so please pause, take a deep breath, and tread more lightly before you jump to conclusions like this, because you don't know whose trauma you're triggering when you react carelessly.

If you want to write a critically considered post about unethical behaviors in adults in the HP series, draw parallels to British public schools and parenting trends in the 90s, and discuss whether those practices are abusive in the context of their time and how we understand abuse now, go off. There's a lot to delve into there. And that's without even touching on the author of the books who left an abusive marriage only to use her fame and wealth to attack a marginalized group on a mass scale in a way that reflects a lot of abusive behaviors.

But learn to use language correctly. No, most adults in the HP world are not "abusers." Many of them exhibit abusive behaviors, but there's a significant difference between people who enact abusive behaviors that are enabled and taught by cultural norms, and people who are actual abusers and deliberately exploit their power over others in order to control and harm those they make vulnerable. The Dursleys were abusers. McGonaggall was not. The Weasleys were not. The latter two display careless, thoughtless behaviors that they are able to because of their varying levels of authority over children, but they don't do so in ways that circumscribe a child abuser. Your clappy hand emoji isn't cute or witty. It's sarcastic and condescending and even though I don't think I have to share my personal experiences with a stranger on the internet for any reason, I also haven't spent the last two decades of my life working through abuse trauma to get schooled by someone who doesn't know me, doesn't understand the words and concepts they're talking about, and is unwarrantedly rude and dismissive in the tags.

When you write a post where you use language about abuse, you're going to get reactions from people who have experienced it and know it first hand. Because what you're doing is minimizing that experience and trivializing it. And hey, I don't know you, and I don't know whether you have your own trauma or if it's rooted in abuse too, and for all I know you process it differently from me, and who am I to judge that? But that doesn't change my own emotional reaction to this thread, which is that the second you go from discussing abusive behaviors to calling people abusers, you're walking on eggshells. And by stating that "every adult in a position of authority besides Ron’s parents are child abusers" you're trivializing the meaning of what an abuser is, which is both insulting to people like me and also makes it harder for everyone who reads your post to understand what abuse looks like in real, tangible ways. And that's how real abusers fly under the radar and get away with it - when the people around them don't know how to identify their behavior.

You don't have to agree with me, but I feel it's reasonable to expect that you engage respectfully. Either you want me to take your post seriously or you don't. Either that last comment was an exaggeration, as you say, in which case the shitpost meme I added was in the same vein, or you were serious, in which case my points stand. It costs you nothing to say what you wanted to politely, or to just message me and ask what I meant before going off like you did. And if that comment was indeed an exaggeration, then that is indeed triviliazing actual abuse and the trauma experienced by abuse victims. It's one thing to do that thoughtlessly and be unaware, but I find it really offensive to get a condescending lecture in response to my reaction which, given the content of the post and my own experiences, was much more tame and respectful than yours has been.

So I will repeat: I suggested putting things in the context of their time period. That doesn't mean "accept things as they were." It means "please think critically about why this character was written in the way they were and what the author might be trying to say, what world they're describing, or what it might say about the author." I'm sorry if that intention was confusing, and there are ways to clear up that confusion without condescending statements like "repeat after me babe" and clappy hands emojis. Putting comments like "please get a life" in the tags is unnecessary and childish. Putting quotes around words that weren't in my tags (ie. "that's how it was") as if I'd said them is unfair and presumptuous as well as misleading to others. When you jump to conclusions and try to educate someone on something you don't understand, they aren't the one who looks foolish.

If I'd wanted to add to this discussion I would have added to the thread, and not left my suggestion about context in the tags. With all due respect (and again, I acknowledge that I don't know your own history and experiences and don't want to make assumptions about them, this is merely my own gut reaction), from where I stand if you understood abuse - real, actual, harmful, trauma inducing abuse - I think you might have approached this thread differently.

Wondering how many just comfortably forgot that McGonagall put Neville's life in risk in his third year?

He 'lost' his list of passwords (Crookshanks stole it) which resulted in Sirius getting in the dorms.

When Neville confessed it was his - she turned to all the students and told them to not dare tell him the password. He was dependent on others letting him in (after Sirius already got into the castle and could very much do so again).

It came to a point where the trio were sneaking out - and walked on Neville sleeping at the entrance.

Now not even speaking on how they didn't notice Neville was not on the dorms, or that the prefect didn't check on him, or Percy who was a head boy - but his own Head of House who told everyone to not give him the password didn't even check of he got in.

He was basically forced to stay out of a safe place (also denying him proper sleeping and access to his belongings and to sanitary necessities) - while there's a supposed mass murderer trying to get to Harry - who's in the Gryffindor dorms.

She was risking his life in their eyes not knowing Sirius is innocent.

Yet somehow Snape is worse then her for telling Neville he's going to feed his toad whatever he brewed.

Good to know.

[bestillmybeefyheart]

PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. To those who say "get over it" to people with any of these disorders, I have this to say, citing the Mayo Clinic below (thank you to the Mayo Clinic for the information!) Would you tell someone with cancer to "get over it"? Why would you then think it's ok to tell someone with depression to "get over it"? Ask Robin Williams family, famous actor and sufferer of depression how they feel about "getting over it". Sorry but this is a trigger for me and I believe that many people do not understand that these are very real illnesses that affect millions of Americans and people around the world every day. People take their own lives every day because of depression and anxiety. And I personally can attest to how deeply it impacts those of us who suffer PTSD, Anxiety and or Depression. Most people with PTSD have anxiety and depression as a result so they get the larger hit to their personalities and their lives. As someone who has lived with this for many years, I take great offense that anyone would be so uncaring and thoughtless to make a comment like that to anyone with depression, anxiety or PTSD. Until you have experienced, you will most likely not get it. Once you have, you will never look at someone who does suffer from anyof the above the same way, you will have more empathy and understanding then you ever had and will know why what you said was not just wrong, but is insulting and rude. Excepts from the Mayo Clinic on these subjects is below. I'd also like to thank Google for the bar graph and all the other sites that they pulled their info from. PTSD: "Definition By Mayo Clinic Staff Post-traumatic stress disorder (#PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don't have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD. Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function." - Mayo Clinic and Staff Depression: "#Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both." - Mayo Clinic and Staff Anxiety: "Experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). These feelings of anxiety and panic interfere with daily activities, are difficult to control, are out of proportion to the actual danger and can last a long time. You may avoid places or situations to prevent these feelings. Symptoms may start during childhood or the teen years and continue into adulthood. Examples of anxiety disorders include generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder (social phobia), specific phobias and separation anxiety disorder. You can have more than one anxiety disorder. Sometimes anxiety results from a medical condition that needs treatment. Whatever form of anxiety you have, treatment can help." - Mayo Clinic and Staff Thank you to the Mayo Clinic for the information and here is the link to read more about PTSD: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/definition/con-20022540?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=abstract&utm_content=Posttraumatic-stress-disorder&utm_campaign=Knowledge-panel And for their information about Depression: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/definition/con-20032977 And for their information about Anxiety: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/home/ovc-20168121

[sarahburness]

How to Rebuild a Relationship with Someone Who’s Hurt You

“Holding a grudge doesn't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.” ~Unknown

My situation is probably not unlike that a lot of people reading this.

I grew up in a single-parent home. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty happy childhood, and my mom did an unbelievable job raising me. She worked four jobs to make sure I always had the best of everything. But I could never shake the feeling that I always wanted a father figure in my life.

My parents had separated when I was very young. My dad was a marine, my mom was a doctor, and she had realized that she didn’t want to be moving around her whole life. This meant that I only got to see him once or twice a year. And slowly, we became increasingly estranged.

When I was sixteen, I found out that he was deciding where to buy a new house for a more permanent and stable job post. I started thinking that he would find something nearer to me. He now had more flexibility, and finally, I could see him more often. We could begin to build a real relationship and make up for the years of missed birthdays, graduations, and other memories.

But then, right when I got my hopes up, he didn’t. He stayed where he was—with his new wife and her kids. Even though it seemed like they didn’t appreciate him, and even though I felt that I needed him more than they did.

It broke my heart.

In fact, it’s almost ten years later, and although we’re on better terms now than we’ve ever been, I’m still healing.

I had to learn to let him go before I could learn to forgive him. And I had to learn to forgive him before I could build a relationship with him. We’re in the process of building that relationship, and we’re better off now than we’ve ever been. But I’m still accepting that I’ll never get the dad that the little girl in me always wanted.

It’s a tough pill to swallow. Knowing that people that you have the most love for are sometimes going to hurt you. Sometimes even those who are supposed to protect you. It’s one of the most difficult lessons you’ll learn in a lifetime, but it’s a part of being human.

I hope my experience can help to shed some light on your own relationships with partners, family members, and close friends.

Here’s how I learned to let go and forgive.

1. See the human being in the projection.

A significant part of what we see in other people, particularly those with whom we have an emotional history, can often be a projection of our own unconscious attitudes toward that person, and not a reflection of how they are behaving.

This is difficult to see in ourselves, and tends to be even more pronounced in people we’ve known for a long time, particularly our parents.

I learned to forgive my dad by seeing the person in him and not the idea of what I thought a father should be. Doing so wasn’t an easy process, as I had to face shortcomings in both of us. On his side it was constantly making promises he couldn't keep, out of a fear of losing love and affection from anyone around him. For me, it was the inability to give him a chance to make things right, and see him in a new light, even when it was the most appropriate thing to do for both of us.

Fortunately, over time, as I grew as a person, I was able to build a new relationship with him, based on fresh experiences and not sour expectations.

2. Constantly re-assess your expectations.

When trying to start afresh with my father, I found myself constantly face to face with my old expectations. Whenever he would act in a certain way, such as making empty promises or failing to be there for me when I need him, it would trigger an old story (and old emotions) I had about how he’d always been this way or how he’d never change. But each time I did so, I was able to reassess my expectations.

A cynical way to look at this would be to say that I lowered them. But who’s to say for whatever reason they weren’t too high to begin with? When he began to act in a way that was more congruent with what I had come to expect, we were both happier, and he even began to positively surprise me sometimes when he fulfilled promises I didn’t expect him to.

3. Look at the world from their perspective.

The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said: “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” It’s a tongue-in-cheek quote, and I’ve tried to apply the idea my situation. I’ve always thought that I’m an empathetic and understanding person. But can I really stand in the shoes of my family members and be completely ok with their actions, particularly those who have hurt me?

I tried to think about my dad’s situation, his expectations and disappointments, the influences in his life like constantly being on the move because of his work. And I understood that he wasn't there for me partly because he was afraid of losing his new family and being alone.

At the end of the day, while I couldn’t come to justify his actions, I was able to see the rationale in them, and have empathy for him as a flawed human being, rather than someone who had intentionally done me wrong.

4. Practice acceptance in all areas of life.

Sometimes I couldn’t separate the man from the projection, I couldn’t change my expectations, and I couldn’t come to rationalize where I’d been done wrong. At this point, I had to try and accept things the way they are. And at first, I couldn’t. It just felt so inauthentic, I was still so angry and upset. So I decided to start small and practice acceptance as a skill.

I accepted little things like traffic on the way to work and rudeness by people in shops. I accepted when I saw something I didn’t like on the news or friend of mine had been a little thoughtless. I even made it a habit to accept things I didn’t like about myself, and finally, I began to be able to accept my father for his mistakes.

5. View relationships as fluid, not solid.

This final point was one of the most interesting. I began to view relationships in my life as fluid and not solid. For me, fluid relationships meant that people could enter and leave, their roles could change, as could the way we related to each other. Unfortunately, this is a natural fact of life, and the choice we have is whether or not we resist it.

My dad hasn’t been a huge support, nor a good role model, but right now he’s father and a friend, and someone I love. That may change in the future, for better or worse, but I’m trying my best to be open to the journey.

Learning to let go of people you love when they’ve hurt you is one of the most difficult challenges we will face in a lifetime. As you can see from my situation, letting go of someone may be releasing the grip you have on the idea of who they should be. Sometimes you can still maintain a relationship, just not the one you want. And sometimes, that’s exactly what you need.

Have you ever had to rebuild a relationship with someone who’s hurt you? Leave a comment below, I would love to hear your stories!

About Anais Rodriguez

Anais Rodriguez is a marketing consultant, cosmetics aficionado, and the social media manager for the mental health and meditation blog Project Monkey Mind. If you'd like to know how you can calm your mind using Modern Psychology and Eastern Spirituality, get the free cheatsheet 7 Psychological Hacks for Depression & Anxiety (in 5 minutes or less).

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[foursprout-blog]

10 “Notes to Self” that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/10-notes-to-self-that-will-stop-you-from-taking-things-personally/

10 “Notes to Self” that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally

Let’s start off with a simple question:

Why do we always take things so personally?

There are admittedly quite a few viable and valid answers to consider.  But, the one Angel and I have found to be most common through a decade of one-on-one coaching with our course students and live event attendees is the tendency we all have of putting ourselves at the center, and seeing everything—every event, conversation, circumstance, etc.—from the viewpoint of how it relates to us on a personal level.  And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

Of course, we are not really at the center of everything.  That’s not how the universe works.  It just sometimes seems that way to us.  Let’s consider a few everyday examples…

Someone storms into the room in a really bad mood, huffing and puffing, and addresses us in a rude way.  Immediately we think to ourselves, “What’s going on here?  I don’t deserve to be treated like this!  They should know better!”  And we are left agitated, offended and angry.  But the truth is the other person’s behavior has very little to do with us.  They got mad at something outside the room, and now they’re reactively venting their frustrations in front of us.  We just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  This reality doesn’t justify their behavior, but it needs to be consciously acknowledged so we don’t waste too much of our mental energy positioning ourselves at the center of the situation and taking everything personally.

Now, let’s assume for a moment that a person’s actions actually do seem to relate to us directly—we inadvertently did something that annoyed them, and now they’re reacting very rudely to us.  A situation like this might seem personal, but is it really?  Is the magnitude of this person’s rude reaction all about us and the one thing we did to trigger them?  No, probably not.  It’s mostly just a statement about this person’s reactions, snap-judgments, long-term anger issues, and expectations of the universe.  Again, we’re just a smaller piece of a much larger story.

And likewise, when someone else rejects us, ignores us, doesn’t call us when they said they would, doesn’t show they care, or flat out disrespects us… these reactions have much less to do with us than they have to do with the other person’s history of personal issues. We can learn to silently respect them and their pain without taking their words to heart.

But, again, because we see everything through a lens of how it personally relates to us and ONLY us—a lens that does a poor job of seeing the bigger picture—we tend to react to everyone else’s actions and words as if they are a personal judgment or attack.  Thus, other people’s anger makes us angry.  Other people’s lack of respect makes us feel unworthy.  Other people’s unhappiness makes us unhappy.  And so it goes.

If you’re nodding your head to any of this, it’s time to start gracefully deflecting the senseless negativity around you.  When you sense negativity coming at you, give it a small push back with a thought like, “That remark (or gesture, or whatever) is not really about me, it’s about you (or the world at large).”  Remember that all people have emotional issues they’re dealing with (just like you), and it makes them rude, rambunctious, and downright thoughtless sometimes.  They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues.  In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to gracefully, or not respond to at all.

But, of course, this doesn’t come naturally—NOT taking things personally is an ongoing daily practice…

“Notes to Self” for NOT Taking Things Personally

Like you, and the rest of the human race, I’m only human, and I still take things way too personally sometimes when I’m in the heat of the moment.  So, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response.  In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to take things personally.  Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read the “notes to self” displayed below to myself.  Then, I take some fresh deep breaths…

If you’d like to practice along with me, I recommend stealing my notes (all of which are now excerpts from our NEW BOOK), tweaking them as you see fit, storing them in an easily accessible location, and then reading and re-reading them whenever you catch yourself taking things personally.  (Note: For the sake of not being tediously redundant, I only wrote “Note to Self” as a precursor on the first note below.)

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Afterthoughts… on Forgiving Yourself

When someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, just keep practicing—reading your “notes to self” and being an example of a pure existence.  Do your best to respect their pain and focus on compassion.  Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of wholeness, with the best intentions.

But, also, don’t come down too hard on yourself when you slip up, which is inevitable.  Even with decades of practice behind me, I sometimes catch myself being rude to people who are rude to me—I behave badly because they behaved badly.  And even when the situation is absolutely their fault, my behavior only escalates the situation.  So, I just do my best to take a deep breath, forgive myself, and reset my approach.  Doing so always helps me make progress, even if it’s not instantaneous.

When you slip up, please do your best to do the same…

Just keep forgiving yourself for the bad decisions you made, for the times you took things personally and lacked understanding, for the choices that escalated the situation and hurt others and yourself.  Yes, just keep forgiving yourself, for being young in the mind and reckless sometimes.  These are all vital lessons.  And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

Your turn…

If you’re feeling up to it, we would love to hear from YOU.

Which reminder—or “note to self”—mentioned above resonates with you the most today, and why?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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