#will delete it within the week

[novaae]

very sorry if i am inactive here but this last year of school determines my entire future,,, so i will delete Tumblr for a while

my exams are next year but i can never be too early

[seraphemmes]

more egg sorawo on the way 🫡

[hanayotta]

meatbun is so funny for coming up with terribly tragic plots and then simply saying sike

[hornyyeehaw]

I’m realizing that I really don’t know how to reconcile sex with intimacy or with desire, and a lot of it is rooted in my own self-policing as a butch. Over the past few years, I’ve found that I can have enjoyable sex with someone on the condition that I am a dom service top who goes home after it’s done, and it’s no longer working for me the way it used to. I’ve had exes very explicitly tell me the whole premise of our relationship was a desire to monogamously keep me close to fuck them when they wanted, and I think I’ve internalized this as my one and only purpose. In my head, I know that I don’t have to be a top, or a dom, but when that opportunity actually arises, it’s like something in my chest immediately slams the doors closed and tells me off.

Real intimacy feels, in my experience, like it has no place within sex. Like it’s a disservice to my partner to have any desire of intimacy within our relationship. And when it does exist anyway, suddenly it’s too real and too serious and I have to walk away from it. It becomes this cycle of self-depravation and self-loathing, and I fear that it’s now at a place where it affects (or is close to affecting) others. The existence of my feelings feels like an inherit burden to others, even though I know logically that’s not true. Sex has become this ritual of care/service I perform for someone else so that I’ll feel like I’ve earned their affection, and then I hate myself for craving that affection, so I never ask for it and push it away when it’s offered. And the few partners who have told me that they like me as a person, I get so embarrassed and closed off about being so obviously needy to them, even though logically that’s also not true! I can’t have sex anymore without crying afterwards, which I haven’t done in years. I just don’t know what to do anymore, or even what my next steps are going to be. It’s tremendously lonely and the only issue, it seems, is myself.

I’m definitely going to talk about it in therapy and take the time to reflect on it maturely, but ever since I figured out how to put this into words, it’s been eating me up. I don’t say any of this to complain or make a sob story. I’m only posting this in case other butches (or dykes in general) have any similar experiences and feelings, just in case saying something like this can make you feel a little less alone

[passengerpigeons]

I don't understand how y'all can stand hinge it feels like if an instagram infographic was a dating app...sorry

[sporebat]

HAHAHAHA

can't believe my shitpost alt is relevant again after 84 years

[ghostpantomime]

the sisyphean task of deleting snapchat notifications

[tiny-breadcrumbs]

Uh, hi, to everyone in the queue for commission, things happen with my paper stash so unfortunately, progress will be slow because I'm waiting for a new paper to arrive. Thank you for your patience. ✌🏻

[cha1cedony]

I have been so Gothcleats brained again lately AUGH. I love them endlessly. They’re everything

[chuuciae]

finally you stupid whore it only took you over a decade

[lambentplume]

i need to think about the Characters but i’m afraid goldmoon is going down the same route as makamar where i’m starting. to think that they’re boring

[mari-lair]

For Terukane week day 4: Angel + Devil!

where Akane is a demon and Teru is a falling angel.

[welcometoteyvat]

been half typing up too many complaining posts lately I need to actually finish a fic and then i'll have something with actual substance to post

[konan-supernova]

accidentally followed a terf at some point (genuinely unsure when) and only just realized when i saw some weird stuff on my dash. truly life is hell

[blatantlyhidden]

.

[niko-ur-local-moron]

I have no idea why but my brain went "Topez merman AU"

Luis lives with his mother and siblings near the sea in a big hut and they live off fishing and Luis' turn to go fishing

Tony casually enjoying the sunrise above surface when he notices a very handsome and muscular fisher on his way to the dock

He obviously falls in love with him and after a few days of watching Luis from far away one day he just pops up next to the dock to casually say hi and Luis freaks out and falls into the water

They bond, they have long talks everyday, Tony's somewhat silly and cheeky a perfect match for the grumpy and reserved Luis

They keep their friendship a secret, obviously and Luis' older brother, Ernesto starts to suspect something because lately Luis' seems waaayyy too eager to go fishing, taking turns for his family and goes to check on him now and then, Tony usually managing to sneak away and Luis and Ernesto get ina fight as usual

Tony's super curious about the surface world and Luis brings him new stuff every day. A necklace (often things that are shiny which are Tony's favorite), silverware, glass bottles, watches, ......socks. One day he brings him a pair of shades and Tony absolutely LOVES them

The other day Luis introduced him to the internet and Tony spent the entire day watching a Netflix's series on Luis' phone, much to his annoyance shsjskskk

Ernesto manages to walk in on them but only hears Tony's voice but he disappears underwater and he starts to catch on but doesn't know how to squeeze the info out of Luis

Eventually Luis and Ernesto swim out to the open sea on a small boat to catch more fish and a storm arrives (Tony watches over the boat worryingly all the time) and they're kinda fucked. They get into another fight and Ernesto comes up with a plan to make the water creature reveal itself-- he pushes Luis into the water. Luis is NOT a good swimmer and the furious waves eventually take him under. Ernesto suddenly panics because UMMM I JUST KILLED MY LITTLE BRO OH SHIT

Tony freaks out even more and jumps in after him. He brings him back to the surface and Ernesto helps him drag his body back in the boat but he's unconscious and he doesn't know what to do. Then Tony remembers something called CPR that he saw in that Netflix's series where the characters ended up in a similar situation and he climbs up onto the boat too and performs it on Luis with shaky hands and keeps begging him to wake up.

It works and Luis wakes up and coughs out the water while Tony keeps hugging him and shaking and thanking whichever god there is that he is alive. Luis eventually calms down and realises that they're all in the same boat and that the secret's out and he's like "well shit"

Ernesto is neutral about it, decides to not tell anyone for now and Luis comes back to fish on the dock while chit chatting with Tony

The other day he swims out solo during nice weather and Tony's EXTRA curious cuz he's only in his swimming trunks (siiimppp). Turns out he wants to be a better swimmer so the situation from the storm doesn't repeat so he might as well train for now in the calm water. They swim around talking and at some point they stop, facing eachother and Tony wraps his arms around him and Luis just doesn't know what to do. He knows where Tony is going with it but is he really capable of falling in love with a man? And a man that is not even human?? Like how could that work out, for the rest of their lives? They can't even be in a one room together!

Tony leans in and their lips brush against eachother but Luis pulls away and swims back to the boat. They swim back home in silence and they depart.

Some days later they're back to normal (well somewhat, stuff still feels awkward between them) and they're hanging out while a group of men approaches. Ernesto is behind them, beaten up and apologises to both Luis and Tony about the fact that he accidentally mentioned Tony. They're trying to capture Tony, Luis puts up a fight but a big boat that belongs to the enemies arrives and they manage to capture Tony in a net and they're dragging him out to the sea to another country. Luis and Ernesto rush to help in a small rotor boat and they eventually catch up with the kidnappers.

Tony's kept on a boat, still inside the net and it's really uncomfy because his tail is getting dry and the kidnappers only splash him water from time to time. When Ernesto and Luis make it inside the boat somewhat, somehow Tony would be pushed out of it into the sea-- that's great but he is still in a net. Luis jumps in after him with a knife and swims down to his level and he just sees how scared and uncomfortable Tony is inside that net and how he has no idea what's going on and just wants to be with Luis back the shore and their dock and his heart aches because gosh he wants to protect that old mermaid forever. He starts cutting the net and Tony's eyes never leave him and he's finally free and Tony grabs him to help him swim back up to the surface but they just also keep staring at each other and in one moment they just both lean in a kiss each other passionately. Not for long tho cuz yeah, Luis is a human and they gotta swim up eventually. (stupid human lungs>:[ )

They're kinda flustered about what happened but they get Ernesto back to their boat and they swim back home. The next day Tony is awaiting Luis, excited to see his favourite person as usual and he arrives as always and jumps into the water to greet Tony and he's so so happy to be back in their safe place and just wrapped his hands around Luis and since they were above water so he just kept kissing him non-stop, using the opportunity.

And that's all I have for now I guess?? Came up with this on a whim like my brain went "Topez.......but one of them is a merman" and I was like "hell yeah a decent thought"

Cringy aus LET'S GOOO