#will be back to regular silly scheduling soon. prolly

[lionbearfox]

making fucked up nahida art is absolutely instrumental to my wellbeing

[ndjams]

deflecting seriousness about self harm with silly words (rambling)

so the first time where i was choppin @ my leg every day was the darkest point in my life almost a year ago and the coping & helping part of it only lasted like a week then i was just doin it for the routine for another few weeks before i was like 'aight thats enough'. a few months ago i relapsed (idk what other word to use that one dont feel right but whatever) one time and felt shitty about it for a few days. I learned afterwards that coping mechanisms failing was a sign that you were getting better so i was like hell yeah love that therapy is workin its magic yes. So i was good knowing that i actually was making progress but uhhhhh i am back at a really shitty place and bonus now i dissociate for days at a time pretty frequently (i think im at a rhythm of losing 3 days a week every week right now but its been steadily becoming more frequent so fuck! maybe i'll just be gone forever and a shell soon since i know this was caused by long term untreated gender dysphoria & i cant get it treated cos im 17 and my parents are transphobic! But thats some whole other shit) so anyway yesterday i was ya know mad Spiritually Faded as i call dissociation and i went to absolute town on me leg and prolly almost doubled the amount of scars i had there. The worst part & the reason i gave all this background is that it made me feel better. It brought me back to reality op there goes gravity so i was like fuck i guess this is gonna be a regular thing now since cutting is the only coping mechanism that has instant gratification (the only type of coping mechanism i have the energy to have rn). Yeah shit dont be feelin good im like nauseatingly quickly switching between numb dissociation, searingly painful depression & hopelessness, overwhelming anger, and mad awareness of my body that triggers dysphoria. i have a therapy appointment scheduled for the 8th, i tried to text Dr to move it sooner but she ducked me i guess so whatever i guess i'll wait. Not like its been over a month cos my parents Ran Out Of Dollar while moving and i couldnt go. That sounded more passive aggressive than funny im not actually mad at her ive just had like 5 episodes over the last month that each could have been a whole session so im well overdue for one.