#will Shinae ever get to know? what brought Nol back to the surface at the Kim formal?

[trashlie]

Sowing the Seeds, Reaping Stalkyoo

It’s no secret that everything about the state of ILY since the Christmas party has been my absolute catnip, everything I’ve waited for and wanted to see. We’ve had delicious flashbacks and peeks into the past, we’ve been indulged with Nol and Kousuke going head to head, the reveals of how Kousuke has been manipulated and drugged, and yes, Nol’s return into his friend’s lives. Quimchee has been delivering something that I didn’t anticipate we’d get for a long time yet - I thought so much of Nol and Shinae’s relationship was being set up for the future, that it wouldn’t take root until then, and yet. 

And yet. 

Ages ago I wrote about the foundations of Stalkyoo, how so much of the framework for their potential feelings and relationship had been carefully laid for feelings to begin to sprout and bloom, anticipating that it would not be until after Nol returns from prison, maybe even until after the timeskip, that those feelings would show themselves. What a fool I was! How could I anticipate that we’d be seeing them so soon, like this?! 

Someone on reddit asked at what point did Stalkyoo begin - the feelings, us shipping, when it began to feel real and possible, and finally I was able to put the words together, to really begin this post that I’ve been dying to make. (This post is an expansion of my response on reddit, hehe) 

I used to waffle a lot on this thought, because if you reread ILY without a romantic lens, there's a lot of things that CAN come across very platonically - but the key is that context always matters, right? To me, a lot of the build up for Stalkyoo has been simply building a foundation so that their own feelings can develop. There's a difference between having feelings and being drawn to each other, but Nol and Shinae HAVE been drawn to each other from the start. While Shinae initially pushes back on Nol's attempt at friendship, by the time they're at the arcade, I think we start seeing the basis of Shinae reciprocating Nol's friendship. Clearly she's only playing along because she wants to get a free meal out of it, but something about Nol and Shinae that I find really interesting is that it really WAS effortless from the beginning! It's just that Shinae has so much trauma about friendships - not only that Alyssa betrayed her and played hot and cold, but that she can't trust her friendship with Maya and Rika is real and she is LITERALLY only there because she knows Maya is scheming. Yet, at the masquerade and the morning after, we see how easy Shinae falls into a rhythm with Nol - but once she catches herself she back pedals.

Something I think we need to clear before we dig into this is the point in which Nol went from trying to play cupid for Dieter to pursuing Shinae's friendship for himself. I don't think even he was totally aware of it, but when they were at the mall, I think that was a slow changing point for Nol. He could tell that he wasn't going to really be able to play cupid for Dieter (but it didn't stop him from trying) but I think by this point he saw Shinae's facade fully, and how similar it was to his. (I mean, I think he'd already seen this, but this was when it really resonated with him.)

Stalkyoo is really well written in which you can't tell at what point the characters themselves start to have feelings, because that's just the nature of feelings. We can't always pinpoint when we go from feeling friend-ish about someone to when we develop feelings, especially in the case of Nol and Shinae who have SO MUCH ELSE going on that feelings are the furthest thing from their minds. Instead, we see those building blocks, the foundations, the things that LEAD those feelings to grow from platonic to feeling something besides just friendship. It's all the little things! For Shinae, it's that someone was so determinedly persistent, something she hadn't really gotten from her other friends. But more than that, it was the way that Nol saw through her. It was the way Yeonggi evoked the kind of friend she wanted to be but was too afraid to be. It was the safety and security he provided her. 

For Nol, it was the way she always saw him, always picked up on those little details, always took concern. That night she ran into him after work, when she got worried he'd sat outside all evening because she was too harsh, she told herself not to care and yet... she couldn't. She had just drawn these boundaries, but she still had concern for him. Nol isn't used to that. I'm not saying this to shame Soushi and Dieter in any way, but we don't really see them reach out to him, and I think Dieter acknowledged this after Yujing drove away with Rand and unconscious Nol. Nol had just seen the eviction notice in her room, and yet she still buys him ointment and medicine out of worry for him with what little money she has. She took notice of his scuffed knuckles, of his cat scratches healing, asks how he’s handling things after seeing what they’re saying on the media. At the hospital she calls him out on that façade, expressing how much awful it makes her feel so how can he not? 

We get to see these little details culminate, and how that fosters the development of feelings. How can Shinae not be so drawn to this person who has helped her no matter the inconvenience it is to him, who sees through her and calls her out on her bullshit, who took care of her when she was so very vulnerable at the Kim formal? How can Nol not be so drawn to this person who sees him when others make him feel invisible, who makes him feel worthy of her concern and thoughts when so many others have made him feel like he doesn't matter?

It's the way Shinae disarms him and he finds himself unable to lie, revealing a little bit of the real him, admitting a tiny hint of what's going on that he isn't revealing. It's the way he literally inspires her to be a better friend, and to return the favor.

As a reader, the Kim formal and the following hospital scene really sell the plausibility of them through the parallels. We are shown that this early in their friendship, Nol is able to not only comfort Shinae in ways that reach her, but to anticipate her needs (intercepting her coat after Kousuke sends it away). It's not done to say that Kousuke is not a match for her as much as to illuminate why Nol is, to build out that foundation. During a harrowing night when Shinae is completely out of her element and, frankly, terrified, Nol is able to reach her, able to comfort her, and he provides that sense of protection, and in kind, it softens Shinae even more towards him, because now she can see just what a solid friend Nol is, to really take stock of the things he does for her. It also shows us the ways Shinae meets HIS needs in contrast to Alyssa. This is especially important because part of what really fosters Nol's eventual feelings for Shinae is that she sees him, that she feels concern for him, when everyone around him, including the person he's supposed to call his girlfriend, take him for granted.

Nol struggles SO MUCH with self worth and feeling that he matters, that he is anything but a burden (much like Shinae) but also he struggles with feeling that he even deserves this. But then Shinae comes in and gives him a taste of that, and now he can't help it. He opens up, little by little. Not a lot, but he lets her in, tiny bit by bit. She starts to matter. And we can see in episodes like 73, when Nol calls Shinae and they share the parallel pillow hugging phone call, 93 when he admits he can't stop himself from caring and she replaces his earbuds in his ear, 117 and 118 with the chickie nuggie hand holding and the shared earbuds just how Shinae became this person who brings Nol comfort, who has a morphine-effect on him. She becomes a safe space for him. Her comfort towards him fosters that feeling of seeking comfort in her.

At the end of the day, it ultimately is, I think, that they see each other - that they really see each other. Can Shinae see through Nol's facade? Not really - he still has so much that he's yet hidden away. But in a world when he's treated like he's invisible, when others don't reach out, when everyone takes takes takes without giving (and again I'm not faulting people because that's how Nol built these friendships; they weren't supposed to be real, until they accidentally were) she sees him and makes him feel like he matters. And likewise, he inspires her to be a better friend, to take chances with her heart. Ultimately she wouldn't be where she is without him, because while Dieter has also had a substantial role in how Shinae has grown, if not for Nol, she never even could have built that friendship with Dieter.

But also, to bring up my earlier point about that effortlessness, that chemistry has always existed between Nol and Shinae, and once she stopped being so suspicious of him and wary, once he brought her that comfort and security at the formal, we were able to see it more, and how they act on it. I never shut up about how Nol is unable to resist Shinae and it's TRUE. All the times that he tries to avoid her often end with him giving in, turning towards her, revealing something. And likewise she is SO drawn to him that when he starts to pull away, she starts to subconsciously act on that and chase after him, pull him back in. I think there's also something to be said about all the very flirty comments Nol makes towards her that he probably isn't even aware are very flirty - but she is picking up on it. It's that, yes, that attraction is there. Not that I think finding someone is handsome = attraction, but the way she's so embarrassed to voice it feels weighted. Also happening at the formal was that moment where Nol makes Shinae laugh and his eye goes wide - even though I don't think he identified it then, it was a significant moment, probably one that really fostered that attraction, that feeling of how pretty her smile is, ESPECIALLY as someone who had her thick thick walls and he hadn't seen her like that.

Honestly, the entirety of the Kim formal arc really sells the concept of Stalkyoo, despite Nol attending “with” his girlfriend. The parallels in their individual relationships with other significant people show just how compatible they are - Nol banking on a fan taking notice of famous girlfriend Alyssa to give Shinae an escape, that moment when Nol is sent away and Shinae calls out to him and he reaches out before the door closes and he loses the opportunity. It’s that tender moment of Nol doing her make up for her, helping her don her armor in order to blend in. It’s the way she goes straight to Nol after her uncomfortable dance with Kousuke, checking on him because she can tell something is off. They just NOTICE! They GET each other! 

It’s that moment at the bottom of the pool when Nol feels the opportunity to escape, to give in, to stay at the bottom of the pool because there is nothing up there for him - and then there is Shinae, unconscious. It’s Nol donning that uncomfortable mask to bring her to the surface, it’s him denying his ideation because maybe there is, in fact, something for him up there. It’s that Nol is still here because of Shinae. 

How can she not be so significant to him? How could he fight the development of those feelings when she literally is the reason he is still alive? 

IT'S JUST. IT'S ALL OF THAT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH there's not really one point so much as all along the bricks in the foundation are being laid, the seeds are sown. The structure is going up, the seeds are sprouting. We see the results of that foundation as it fosters these feelings, as it takes these small but significant things and turns them into something grander, until one day Nol is taking comfort on her shoulder, feeling the most at peace he has in a long time, until one day Shinae is crying in the rain chasing after him in absolute desperate fear to not lose him to not lose this. There isn't one moment but, instead, a series of so many moments that build and grow and layer upon each other until one day they are dancing around feelings they weren't aware of until now.

And it's beautiful sobs.

And now that those seeds have sprouted, those feelings have been fostered, they make themselves known. It’s not only Yeonggi that Shinae is drawn to. Yes, that was initially the version of him she knew, who fostered those feelings, but even when he returns to her as Nol - so intense, so unlike Yeonggi - we see the attraction come forth. Rather than Yeonggi, it’s Nol who embodies those aspects of Rand that Shinae finds so attractive - the assertiveness, the intensity - and when Nol stands before her this way, she doesn’t balk. She doesn’t back away. In fact, it’s only when he makes this version of himself known that we start to see her getting flustered, that her heart starts pounding. It’s that intense gaze that she can’t hold, that causes her cheeks to actually flush. 

He tells her that his relationship with Alyssa is a shame, that she doesn’t mean anything to him, and it’s like all the boundaries have fallen away. The things she used to call him out on have fallen wayside - she offers him a dance. Though she’s always known that Nol and Kousuke don’t get along, she finally gets a glimpse at how bad it is, how much bad blood is between them. 

It’s the way she becomes a grounding rod who interrupts his panic, his anger, who brings him a moment of calm. 

In nearly losing him that night, Shinae’s feelings wake up even stronger than ever. She’s already nearly lost him, to nearly lose him this way, in a way that can never be undone... It’s understandable, why she’s keeping vigil. 

It’s both Nol and Shinae hating hospitals, finding them to be so uncomfortable, places they don’t want to stay in, but still standing by - Nol outside her door at Hirahara Memorial of all places, Shinae at his bedside waiting waiting waiting. It’s being in a place full of such horrible memories but finding refuge and comfort in each other. As precious at 219 is for Nol’s birthday party, for the flirtations, for the exchanged gazes - the moment Nol wakes up and his panic is quelled when he finds her dozing on the side of his bed is SO important to me. Those moments they share together before anyone else finds out he’s awake feels like the most real they’ve been with each other - no fronts, no masks. It’s them sitting in the place they’d rather never be again, comfortable because of each others’ presence, because of all those experiences before that have cultivated the ability to find comfort in each other. 

Security with each other. 

The foundation was laid out so beautifully. The seeds were sown and now we watch them sprout, hoping we’ll get a chance to see what comes of them, what grows in this space fostered by them. 

God I love them so much sobs