#why? because it is hella expensive and if you get the opportunity you’d always choose a longer and existing match

[in-spain-without-an-s]

you want disrespect? okay, I hope the wimbledon courts are as nice to your knee as the roland garros ones.

there I said it. That is what disrespect and unsportsmanlike behaviour is.

[dynamic-instability]

Hi, I just finished my freshman year in premed and my grades were horrible (like C average) and it was because I'm just not good at science in college like I was in hs... I'm so tired all the time and like I don't have chronic illness or anything and so I know it's not even like what you went through and maybe I'm stupid for complaining but I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've wanted to be a doctor all my life, how do I give up on that dream??

(2/3) I just feel like I’m giving up and letting down everyone who expects things of me but when I think about things like having to get volunteer and shadowing hours I just feel like I’m panicing and it’s just this crushing weight and maybe I’m just not good enough but like how do I give up?? Doesn’t that make me weak?? My grades in other stuff like my history classes and even in calc were good but gen chem and gen bio fucking killed me I’ve always been a good student idk what to do now

(3/3) I’m sorry for sending this long thing that probably doesn’t even make sense and you dealt with so much shit with your sickness and stuff and you got really good grades obviously and I don’t even have anything like that, I’m just not good at school anymore?? I just know I need to make a change if I’m gonna do this premed thing and you’ve had to think about in the past what you’d do if you can’t be a doctor. I guess I just wanted your advice sorry this is so long lol I’m kinda freaking out

Oh my sweet bb anon. The first thing to do is to take a breath. The second thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to me or to anyone. Don’t start down that road of who has it harder and who is overcoming more, because that’s just not a productive line of thinking, okay? I’ve been there, I’ve done that to myself, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Your struggles are your own struggles, and whatever you choose to do, it is valid. It does not make you weak.

There’s kind of a lot to unpack here so I’m just going to do my best.

I think the biggest question you have to ask here is whether you still genuinely want to be a doctor. So you’re struggling in your science classes, that’s okay, some C’s in freshman year don’t have to stop you. Just because your first year was hard, it doesn’t mean it won’t improve, and that’s true for a bunch of reasons. The material, for one thing: I didn’t like gen chem, but I loved orgo, and I know a lot of people for whom that’s been the case (it depends on how into quantitative thinking you are, I think). Also, intro-level bio classes can sometimes be the hardest because you have to learn a whole new vocabulary and way of thinking, but then once you have those skills it can get a lot easier. Also, regardless of your field of study, the first year of college is hard socially and academically, it’s a rough adjustment. I don’t know you, but maybe your mental health suffered from the stress and the transition, or maybe you just didn’t have the study skills yet because your high school coursework didn’t demand them. A couple bad grades does not mean you’re unable to do this.

What worries me more is that you said things like “I’m tired all the time” and “it feels like this crushing weight.” A look back through this blog will tell you I’ve had my share of feeling like this, and that not all of it can be attributed to chronic fatigue. But at least when it came to bio, I’ve always loved the material. Even when it was killing me, I love biology. I love biology and medicine so much that I do shit like writing a completely unnecessary 50-page lit review about cholera. I love a lot of other things, too, like music and history and linguistics, but nothing makes me happy like medicine makes me happy. If you love it and you’re struggling, you don’t need to give up, you just need to find better strategies for doing well. Find a tutor, work with classmates, find new study/organizational skills, retake some courses if you failed them. And there are going to be some courses in your prereqs that you just won’t like (see: me and physics) and that doesn’t have to stop you. The courses you take in undergrad are not necessarily reflective of everything to come. But if you hate science? Don’t put yourself through this. It isn’t worth it.

Here’s the thing. There is such a thing as a weed-out class, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “weeded out”, so to speak, doesn’t have to mean you’re not good enough, it can just mean that you’re figuring out what is and is not a good fit for you. My friend @carminapiranha went through this her freshman year, suffered through a year of pre-med where she struggled and was miserable before admitting it was not what she wanted. She has a degree in art history, and is about to go get a master’s degree. There was a girl I knew freshman year who was sure she was going to be a surgeon, but she got a D in gen bio 1 because the class didn’t make sense to her and made her miserable. She got an MBA and is making like hella money now. 

You can change your mind, that is a valid decision. It doesn’t have to mean you’re giving up, it doesn’t have to mean you’re weak, it can just mean you’re looking for something that’s a better fit for you. You said you did well in history classes, but did you also like them? What was your favorite class you’ve taken? I know there are some degrees that feel more “useless” than others, and it would be naive of me to claim that that doesn’t matter when college is so freakin expensive, but honestly? Very few people get jobs directly in the field of their degrees. People end up doing totally random jobs all the time. Maybe there’s something else that’s a better fit for you. If there is, you should go and do that!

So I guess my question is this: why are you trying so hard to stay pre-med? Is it because this is what you want and you can’t see yourself being fulfilled the same way doing anything else? For me, that’s the wall I come up against every time I quit being pre-med (which has happened like… three times now?) If that’s the case then maybe look at alternate careers in the medical field (I myself have thought extensively about becoming a genetic counselor–similar academic requirements, but not as harsh in terms of training, and probably not quite as competitive as far as undergraduate GPA), or you can just keep pushing towards this goal and try to find better ways of studying. As for the extracurricular stuff, I would recommend that you try to stop viewing it as this crushing obligation. Find volunteer opportunities that are things you think are cool and that you want to do, not because they’re things that will look good on a resume. View shadowing as an opportunity to see whether various medical field things are right for you, not as ticking a box for some imaginary (or literal) application-strengthening checklist. If your campus has a pre-med/pre-health club, see about going to some of their events or talks. Talk to a pre-health advisor about options and opportunities. Talk to other pre-health people. It’s a lot, being pre-med. I feel the pressure too, all the time, and it can be exhausting, but if it’s really what you want to do, you don’t have to give up. You certainly don’t have to give up this early. You’re only a baby freshman (well, a baby sophomore, now, I guess) (I can call you a baby because I’m 24 and I have a whole degree now, so #dealwithit) (I promise I mean it with love and not condescension). One year of not-great grades is not going to preclude you from being a doctor.

But if the reason you’re so reluctant to change paths is out of obligation instead of an actual passion for the field, then it’s not worth it to keep making yourself miserable. 

Whoever it is that you feel like you’ll be letting down by not becoming a doctor–your parents or your grandparents or your high school science teacher or whoever–you don’t owe them. I don’t know if you’ve got parents putting pressure on you or what, but if you do, just remember that it’s your life and no one has the right to tell you what to do with it. 

Or maybe the person you feel like you’re betraying is your past self, the version of you that’s dressing up as a doctor for Halloween and telling everyone for the past 18 years how you’re gonna be a doctor and sitting in your bedroom watching Grey’s Anatomy and getting all fired up about how that’s gonna be you one day. This is a thought I’ve had a lot over the past six years or so. It’s hard if you’ve identified yourself by this desire your whole life to suddenly imagine being anything else. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but I feel sometimes like I have this 12-year-old Kari in my head and I’m breaking her little idealistic medical nerd heart every time I take a step outside the path she’d have me on. But guess what? You don’t owe your past self shit. Your past self had ideas of what your life would be, just like baby Kari had ideas for what my life would be, but she didn’t have all the information that I have. I know better than she did. You cannot control the actions and the thoughts of your future self, you just have to trust that they are better informed than you are. 

You are allowed to change. Your identity is yours and yours alone to shape how you please. It doesn’t make you weak to change course, it makes you flexible. (And hey, if studying biology has taught me anything, it’s that adaptability is key to survival) (There’s a reason my blog is called “dynamic instability”)

[language-rxgers]

I was tagged by @lilmissperfectlyimperfect, thank you for tagging me even though I was prob just one of the first 11 blogs to show up when you chose your tags, but still thank you :) Also this will probably be hella long because idk how to write a short answer.

Here’s the rules:

Post the rules

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger (my questions for my tagged blogs will be found at the end of the post)

Write 11 questions of your own

And tag 11 people

1. Your favourite season?

My favourite season is probably winter because while winters where I live are cold as balls there’s really lovely lights on outside all the time and it’s just really cozy inside :)

2. If you could have a chat with a dead celebrity/actor/historical figure/musician who would it be?

I would have to say I would chat with Carrie Fisher. I think that she just had such an interesting life, and she seems like she would be so funny to talk to. Her role as Princess Leia was one of the first strong female characters I was introduced to as a kid and growing up with Star Wars being one of my dad’s favourite movie franchises, I was very influenced by her work. 

3. Favourite holiday destination?

Gee, I’ve never really gone on a holiday vacation except to Disney World once, but I do love going to my cousins’ cabin over Christmas and summer breaks. It’s really great just being with the family, and the cabin has such a cozy atmosphere it’s like I’m in my own little bubble. 

4. What would you do if you could be president/PM?

I would definitely give a shitload more funds to the education budget for our First Nations students. In my province, First Nations students receive about half the funds per student that a public or catholic school student like me would receive, which I think is grossly unfair and absolutely ridiculous. I think everyone deserves the same opportunities to succeed, no matter their status, and that can absolutely start with giving on-reserve schools the funds they need and deserve. 

5. Favourite musician of all time?

Oh lordy, I really really love Led Zeppelin, Glorious Sons and The Hip, but on the other hand, I’m a sucker for oldies like Elvis and Bing Crosby. There’s too many!

6. What superpower would you want to have?

I would probably want to have something that I could use to help people, like super healing that I could transfer to others (as you may have seen in some of my fics lol) or just all around super enhancement like the Super Serum. Or maybe enhanced knowledge, memory and learning, like I could learn languages really quickly and remember important dates and events. Wow, I’m kinda boring lol 

7. If you could live in another country for the rest of your life which would it be?

I would want to live in Finland. Idk, I just feel like things are pretty good in Finland, like it’s beautiful, safe, clean, and there’s good food. Of course, I don’t know the language, but that’s where the super learning would come in ;)

8. Favourite food?

My favourite food is prob either cheesecake or tourtière, which is basically just a meat pie, but homemade really is the best

9. Who is your biggest inspiration?

I think my biggest inspiration would be the character of Steve Rogers. He’s good and just and he fights for the little guy because he knows no one else will. Even before the serum, he was always standing up for what he believed in, and being a generally shy person, I was always really inspired by how such a small man could be so strong. Idk, be it in the comics, movies, whatever, Steve Rogers is a character who represents everything I wish I could be, and I know he has influenced me to try to follow his example. 

10. Book to movie or book to tv show?

I wasn’t really sure what this one meant, but I think it means what’s me favourite book turned to movie or tv show? And if so, then (obvi) prob the Marvel Cinematic Universe (if comic books counts) or Harry Potter. 

11. Favourite thing about where you live?

I live in Canada, so while I know that there’s a lot of jokes about how Canadians talk weird and are all too nice and whatnot, I love that we kinda run with it. Like the other day I literally had a Canadian showdown with a guy who was trying to turn into his driveway where I was walking on the sidewalk, we were both trying to get the other to go first. Idk I just think that shit’s hilarious, and it happens more than you’d think. Also, free healthcare is always kinda nice. 

Alright, sorry for the rambling... here are my questions:

1. What’s your favourite holiday movie?

2. If you could travel to three places in the whole world all-expenses-paid, where would you go?

3. Coffee, tea or hot chocolate?

4. Who’s your favourite superhero?

5. Favourite place to go when you need to think, study, or whatever?

6. Favourite day of the week and why?

7. Favourite pastime activity?

8. Do you play any instruments? If so, then what?

9. Song/book/movie that affected you significantly?

10. Favourite movie and book of all time?

11. If you had the opportunity to ask any actor/historical or political figure/musician/etc. (dead or alive) one question, who would you choose and what would you ask?

@the-instrumental-mortal @satans-knitting-club @palaiasaurus64 @crazy4thewinbros @winterboobaer @chrevastan @e-g-b-o-k @viollettes @ilovethings-somuch @pitubea1910 @avengerofyourheart

[dookus]

Vagua, Minu, and Cziqe for 7 + 8! And maybe 9!

gonna put this under the cut because it’s hella long

Vagua:

7. did they name their ship, or is it just referred to as “the ship”?

Vagua’s ship is called the “Ardent Plague”. In my head it’s like 8x bigger than it is in the game and can hold a much larger amount of hooligans.

8. if they were a companion, what class would they be for and how would their missions go?

ooohhh boy. she’s definitely not the type to follow anyone around and do what they say so this is kind of a hard question. she’d definitely not be for any light side classes, that’s for sure. 

I’d say she’d probably work best for bounty hunter?

Her story would involve using you while she lays low and “shelters herself” (hides) from rivals, probably recovering from a botched ghost-eating ritual. Missions would mostly entail her trying to kill you in various ways or use you for her own gain. i’d imagine a mission to roughly go like:

Vagua: Your ship is a cesspool of filth and grime, just thought I’d let you know. Oh, by the way, one of my connections has located an ancient sith relic on Taris. The ritual to take it requires two people, so I thought I’d lower myself enough to ask you. Naturally the relic of no use to you but, [insert treasure hunter with a bounty on them] wants it, and I assume you’d want their head as well as an expensive evil sith rock?”

*the mission entails collecting the bounty on the treasure hunter, but also is just Vagua trying to feed you to the soul-sucking sith artifact to get more power out of it*

[player]: you tried to kill me!

Vagua: Oh don’t pout, hunter. It just wanted your life force because it knows you’re…erm…strong. So take it as a complement and not as a deviously planned act of betrayal. :)

She would not be romancable, but improving your relationship with her would mean she’d attempt to kill you less, and would instead use you for better things. Like taking down rival sith and emptying their bank accounts or something.

9. if time travel existed and they were thrown into the prequel/original/sequel trilogy, how would they react?

in the prequels, she’d probably laugh at how mediocre palpatine is (when compared to the overpowered planet-destroying-ghost-eating sith she’s used to) and would have a 50/50 chance of killing him and taking maul to be her new plaything (weapon), or just lurking and just meddling with palpy’s galactic takeover. if she did successfully beat him, she’d probably start a new sith order. wouldn’t have killed all the jedi or anything. just restored sith to their former glory and all that good stuff. no more rule of two. bleh. would definitely want to meet a nightsister.

original trilogy would probably just mean she lurks and as usual, causes drama for both sides of the current conflict. would probably lay low as a masked bounty hunter or something.

sequels would probably entail her kicking kylos ass and showing him what real sith power is. also kicking the first order’s ass and conquering some planets, remaking the empire. but she’d hand it off to someone else because politics are boring, and she’d just continue her days being a pain in the senate’s side.

Lym’in’uzi // Minu

7. did they name their ship, or is it just referred to as “the ship”?

Her ship is just called “the ship”. Always referred to as a “she”, though.

8. if they were a companion, what class would they be for and how would their missions go?

this could go in really different directions, since in my head, she defects and joins the republic. so pretty much any pub class would work, but I’m favoring trooper rn.

her story would entail having the player character be given the task of keeping tabs on her, as she’s freshly defected and isn’t trustworthy. she eventually gives out some vital information, and for reasons, she winds up having to join you in the field and prove her worth. from that point, she’d join you as a companion.

her missions would usually involve having imperial spies or assassins come for her in one way or another, and would wind up with the player letting her leave, or helping her out by stopping the imps.

minu: so, I know this sounds bad, but I think I might’ve spotted an imperial assassin following us while we were doing our business on [insert planet here]. You’re a bit too plain…I mean, not a huge target. So I think she was after…me?

Anyway, not good. Not at all good and I think I should probably go. Not forever, just long enough to make it look like you were just chaperoning me to my next location, rather than that I’m living in your ship. Don’t want you to be a target, hehe. That was nervous laughter, by the way.

*player can either choose to let her go [neutral], tell her that she’s being paranoid and to shut up [DS], or offer to help find and stop the assassin [LS].*

If the assassin is taken down, or she is allowed to leave, the convo would go:

minu: can you believe this?! an assassin. coming after me.

[player]: yeah, pretty scary.

minu: me! me of all people! i feel so important! terrified for my life too, but wow!

she’d be romancable, but would be a lot easier for femme players to romance. she’d also gain affection suuuuper easily with gifts.

9. if time travel existed and they were thrown into the prequel/original/sequel trilogy, how would they react?

10/10 would be a freedom fighter in any of those time periods.

cziqe

7. did they name their ship, or is it just referred to as “the ship”?

While pissed, Cziqe called it the  “SS I Don’t Give a Damn”. The name stuck, so that’s what the crew calls it. He just calls it his ship.

8. if they were a companion, what class would they be for and how would their missions go?

he would be the most scathingly mean companion and it would probably take the max amount of affection for him to even THINK of being remotely nice to you. I can’t even think of a reason why he’d want to follow anyone around or leave his ship. but if he did, most of his missions would be like.

[player]: where are you going?

cziqe:

i don’t have to explain anything to you, ugly. but since you asked, i’m going on a business trip. gonna tie up some loose ends on nar shaddaa. and by lose ends i mean entrails. i’m gonna rip out a guy’s entrails and tie him up in them. and if i leave now, his kids are probably gonna be there and I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces

*The player could either choose to disapprove and talk to him long enough to hold him up, making him miss his opportunity to catch the guy he’s looking for [LS option, disapprove but let him go [neutral], or join him on nar shaddaa even though he doesn’t want you to [DS]. If neutral, he’d return later and tell you how he got the guy but his kids weren’t there, and that your blabbing made him late and how he hates you. The [DS] option would entail finding the guy and helping cziqe off him, with the option to do it in front of his kids for added points*

[player, after returning from the mission]: so what’d that guy do, anyway?

cziqe:

he made fun of my hat.

cziqe would not be romancable, and giving him gifts would make him very suspicious at first. gradually, though, he’d hate you less. not sure how that would work since i’ve never imagined him not hating someone, but it’d happen.

9. if time travel existed and they were thrown into the prequel/original/sequel trilogy, how would they react?

in all of those time periods, he’d wind up being a crime lord (maul-style when he had everyone working for him in clone wars) and would be generally feared by both sides of whatever conflict. he’d only side with the republic/rebels/whatever because they’re a bit more lax when it comes to pardoning people and turning a blind eye to his crimes in favor of the supplies he can offer.