#why is hulk a dilf

[sweetiecutie]

Dilf! König headcanons

Warnings: mdni, age gap implied, smut, fem! reader, car sex, dirty talk, overall nasty

Dilf! König, who happened to be your best friend’s godfather. You met him at your friend’s birthday party - it was a hot summer day, weather absolutely scorching - just perfect for a pool party. So you came over to your best friend’s place, all dolled up in your short summer dress and light but cute makeup, to spend this special day with your closest friend. Their house was full of people - your friend’s relatives mostly, they said. They were especially excited to introduce you to their special guest - their godfather who lived far away in Austria and could only visit a few times a year. “He is mad cool, you’ll see it yourself!” - they told you as they led you to meet their godfather.

Dilf! König, who looks extremely intimidating, with his towering 6’10 height and hulking built, but is actually a really nice person to be around, with his quick wit and all the cool stories from his life. You and your best friend were listening to his army adventures with opened mouths, asking for more details in certain places. Wow, they didn’t lie, König is actually mad cool.

Dilf! König, who couldn’t stop himself from eyeing you up and down throughout the whole day. It started with fleeting glances in your general direction, trying to sneak a peek of your beautiful face and even more beautiful body to match. And then a pool party actually started - that’s when he was full on ogling you from his place at the table, pretending to be listening to his friend’s story while imaging how these soft jiggly tits would look like in his huge hands. He felt guilty for that - here he was finally visiting his best friend’s child - his lovely godchild on their birthday - and he couldn’t take his eyes off their friend. God man, take a grip on yourself!

Dilf! König, whom you met a few days later at the grocery store not that far from your place. So of course you came up to say hi and chitchat - it’s only natural, since you’re basically acquaintances.

Dilf! König, who felt his chest swell with something warm and fuzzy, watching you talk his ear off excitedly about your plans with his godchild - something about movies and spiderman - he couldn’t remember. But what König did remembered clear as day was a delicious sight of your perky tits visible through the low cut of your skimpy top, his impressive height only supplying with a perfect view from above.

Dilf! König, who so nicely invited you to go grab some iced coffee with him. It’s absolutely scorching today, and he was planning on getting some anyways, so why not keep him company? And he’ll pay, of course! You may drop off your groceries at his car and then he’ll give you a ride home afterwards, how does that sound?

Dilf! König who was now openly staring at your perfect body, practically undressing you with his eyes as you sat at the small faraway boot in Starbucks, smiling at the way you giggled adorably at his jokes, bright blush dusting over your cheeks. He couldn’t help all the dark thoughts popping up in his head at the sight of your lush sparkly with lipsgloss lips wrapping around a straw, wondering how they’d look like wrapped around something bigger.

Dilf! König who soon had you straddling him in the backseat of his car, his massive dick buried snugly inside of your weeping pussy as his hands glided up and down your body, guiding your hips up and down, practically using you as his cute little flashlight.

Dilf! König who couldn’t stop purring praises into your reddened ear, nibbling at sensitive lobe occasionally - “That’s it, baby, take that dick nice and deep. You’re doing so good for me, sweetheart. You like it when I make this pussy feel good, huh? C’mon, rise these sexy hips a bit higher - just like that. Fuck yourself on my cock, princess”

Dilf! König, who flipped you over onto your back swiftly, pounding your poor throbbing pussy mercilessly with his huge cock, making your eyes roll back in intense pleasure, mewling and purring incoherently into his ear. Thinking back to it now, you’re sure that his car was shaking like earthquake.

Dilf! König, who made you cum multiple times, giving you the strongest, mind-blowing orgasms you’ve ever had, turning you into a brainless babbling goo in his arms.

Dilf! König, who eventually dropped you off at your place as promised - hours later, with your legs barely able to keep you upright. He helped carrying your groceries, and just before he left your house he handed you something, winking cheekily at you before leaving.

You looked at what König gave you - a small scrap of paper with his number scribbled in messy handwriting on it, “call me” with a smiley face at the bottom of it made your heart flutter and cheeks flush with adorable pink.

And hell yes did you call.

Part 2 here

Likes, reblogs and comments are highly appreciated! Feedback is very important, give writers some love<3

[fullfriendnerdclutch]

Richard actually preferred to spent his Spring Break lounging around his quaint and peaceful university town. But, since his Uncle drove all the way down to pick him up unannounced, simply because Richard is in the same state now, not like he could just shush that man away so he lazily packed his bag and hit the road with the 43 years old hulk of a DILF

They didn't talk much throughout the long trip into the farmland as Richard pretended to fall asleep before eventually really falling asleep on the way there. But he's dead wrong to assume that his Uncle is unaware of his avoidance. In fact, that very attitude is the sole reason why his Uncle came all the way down to pick him up. It's time to mold Richard into the perfect Dawson boys, and Spring Break provides the best timeline in order for Richard to hit his final alteration right during summer

When the pair arrived at the sprawling farm, Richard realized how stinking rich his family must be with all these acres of land under their possession. It's been more than a decade since he last visited the family farm, but clearly this visit will leave him with the memory about the family farm much more clearly. His uncle let him rest for the remainder of the day, he even fell asleep right after his quick dinner and cleaning himself. But Richard didn't expect that he needs to do some hard labour the following morning!

"Your cousin Adam is spending some time with his sickly wife while Steve took off for the entirety of this Spring Break to spend time with his kids. So I need your help, boy,"

"Wait, Adam is married?"

"Yes, a year ago, don't you remem--- oh yeah, you were on your gap year trip,"

The tone his uncle used irked Richard a bit, gap year trip, but he let it go. His mind is focused on the fact that Adam is the same age as him, and he's married? At 20? 19 if he considered the fact it happened a year ago.....what a totally different life the two of them have. His uncle snapped Richard's out of his mind as he told the pale, gangly-looking Richard to put on the boots before helping him around the farm and the ranch. Richard at first doubted that he could fit into the boots, but somehow it fits him just right. So, off he goes with his uncle

Day after day, the routine remained the same. He will wake up at around 5 or 6 AM, have his loaded breakfast and head out with his uncle. He surprisingly found himself enjoying the routine, he even started to address his Uncle with "Sir" and cooked the breakfast for the two. He simply didn't notice the change in his reflection on how his skin tanned on its own, how his form straightened rather than hunched per usual, how all his clothings somehow altered to solely consist of black t-shirt, jeans and some plaid shirt and he just didn't bother to ask his uncle for the whereabouts of his other clothing. He also failed to notice how his uncle has been subliminally planting in his subconsciousness that he enjoyed working in the farm, that he preferred to be called Dick since Richard sounded too posh for him, that Dick has always been interested with farming and the idea to continue the family's business, that Dick wanted to recruit some good trusted friends of his to join the family's business and how he needs to pivot to study about agriculture or farming in uni.....well, scratch that, he will probably drop out later in the summer and learn better about farming or agriculture by working with his Uncle.

Imagine the surprise his roommates got when Richard went back from his Spring Break 30 lbs heavier and looking like a Southern farm stud with his outfit and the way he got this drawl out of nowhere. And he apparently have a souvenir too for them

"Got these from my Uncle, now, try to put these babies on and tell me how it feels,"

---

Fast forward to summer, not only Dick really followed through with his drop out plan, he brings along his now much-more fitting roommate to join him in the farm

Hey there, a bit rushed with this execution but hope it's still an enjoyable read

[rejectedbytheempty]

Hey could you write something about older Ghost with a younger curvy wife, and potentially having sons together (only if you’re comfortable with that). Rn I’m obsessed with dilf Simon living his domestic best life lol

okay, so i have no clue why this took me so long. anyways, forgive me, i’ve never written for ghost before so most definitely will be ooc. also kind of a newer writing style for me, let me know if it sucks balls or not !!

When you first met Simon, it was at a bar. Your eye had been drawn to the big, hulking man with a skull mask nursing a glass of whiskey. It surprised you that when you went up to talk to him, he was a blushing and stuttering mess. He stumbled over his words, accidentally spilling his drink all over you when he went to shake your hand. He apologized profusely and immediately went to take off his shirt so you didn’t have to wear a bourbon stained top. It was only after you blushed and turned away that he realized just what he did. He looks back on that memory with a grimace but you love telling it because you knew you found the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

After a few weeks of dating you, his team had noticed a difference in his demeanor, he was.. happy? It took constant jabs from Johnny and Gaz’s puppy dog eyes for him to finally come clean. Pulling out a picture of you made all of their jaws drop. Johnny immediately asked “What’s that bonnie little thing doing with you?” But after a slap to the head by Price, Soap shut up. Simon pretended like it didn’t bother him, like he hadn’t already thought that himself. A couple of days later, he tried to break up with you. For your own good, he had too much baggage, and he was older than you. He would ruin your life, he decided. Too bad you didn’t agree, practically slapping him upside the head like Price did to Soap. That was when Ghost well and truly fell in love with you.

A year later, he proposed. You had said yes, of course. The hardest part had been pretending to be surprised. It wasn’t hard to figure it out when he was shaking like a leaf all throughout your fancy dinner. Then, on your wedding day, he was the same nervous ball of energy. It took a talk from Price to get him to calm down. It was a small ceremony, but you both preferred it that way, it was more intimate. By the time you both got to your vows, both of you were crying, choking on your words to the point where you just moved on to the kiss. After the ceremony, Simon swept you up into a bridal carry. He was able to pick you up with ease, which you never got over, even after all this time. As he carried you down the aisle, he was only looking at you, his brown eyes glinting with tears through his balaclava.

Simon was gone for long periods of time on deployment, but when he came back to you, he was all over you. Constantly at your back, grabbing at your curves and burying his face into your neck. He loved spoiling you, constantly buying you things, whether you liked it or not. Even if you mention something in passing, it’ll be on the dining table with breakfast the next morning. When Simon is away for his missions, you guys send letters back and forth. Sometimes you include little pictures of yourself, some more raunchy than others. One time while Gaz was looking for Ghost, he found those letters sitting out on a desk, including the pictures. Gaz turned beet red when Simon walked in, muttering apologies in a squeaky voice before running out of the room.

It had been about six months since your wedding when you found yourself bent over the toilet. One positive pregnancy test later and Simon was pacing around the room. He hadn’t expected it to happen this quick, he wasn’t sure if he was ready. Panic seized him, images of his father flashed in his mind. It took you coaxing him to the bed and rubbing soothing circles on his back for him to calm down. You had reassured him that he wasn’t his father, that he was an amazing husband and would be an amazing father. Simon sat there for a moment and then put his hand to your stomach, leaning down to touch his forehead to yours. You were right, as always, and he would be there every step of the way, for you, and for your child.

[baddest-batchers]

THE BAD BATCH SEAON 3 FINALE THOUGHTS & MAJOR FEELINGS 😭

spoilers below the cut~

• Crosshair’s. Shaking. Hand. While they were approaching Tantiss. My heart was in my throat. Then his attempting to Plan 99 I was about to scream‼️ But thankfully Hunter & Wrecker vetoed that shit real quick thank u for ur service boys and for saving Crosshair 🫡😭

• Omega: PRISON BREAK KIDS LETS GOOOOOOO

• OUR GIRL RELEASED THE ZILLO AND THE ZILLO SAID YEET! The way it chomped that one guard lmao

• Echo & Emerie = sick af brother sister team-up. They got shit done‼️‼️

• Echo calling Omega Havoc 5, I love them sm

• The three of them releasing the clones 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

• I had a hunch Nala Se was going to die. That was kinda sad tbh but she took Rampart with her so she’s such a g for that

• CX-2 cutting off Crosshair’s hand made me shake and cry. I literally could not believe what I saw. And during that entire sequence I was still thinking he was Tech, too. 😭😭😭😭😭

• WRECKER BABY I THOUGH HE WASN’T GONNA MAKE IT BUT HE WENT FULL HULK MODE AND I LOVED IT

• Hemlock is a sick bastard. That mf was going to recondition our boys or throw them away. FUCK I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM SO BADLY.

•Hunter spearing CX-2. My heart dropped and now it’s just empty because it wasn’t Tech. Why did they waste so much time on him during the rest of the season then?? To string us along and make us think it was Tech????? JENNIFER I’M IN YOUR WALLS.

• I absolutely love how none of the boys held back. They were in it for better or for worse.

• HEMLOCK HANDCUFFING HIMSELF TO OMEGA WAS NOT ON MY BAD BATCH FINALE BINGO CARD

• WET HAIR HUNTER WET HAIR HUNTER WET HAIR HUNTER

• Crosshair being so afraid he’d accidentally shoot Omega 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

• CROSSHAIR LINING UP THE SHOT ON HUNTER’S SHOULDER LIKE HE DID WITH TECH BACK IN TCW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HUNTER’S CONFIDENCE IN HIS BROTHER WHO WAS MISSING HIS FUCKING HAND MIND YOU OMG

• CROSSHAIR MAKING THE SHOT

• HUNTER SHOOTING HEMLOCK LIKE 10 TIMES HE DESERVED THAT. THANK YOU.

• the score, Omega running to her brothers I was crying i replayed that scene 10 times 😭

• Omega looking at her brothers then to Crosshair’s hand and then running to hug him sent me into full on ugly cry. We got their hug guys 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 plus a little group hug guys im so unwell over this shot

• the entire ending was so bittersweet. Like DBB said, it was full of hope. The rest of the boys got to watch Omega grow up and that was what they so desperately deserved after all they had been through.

• We got DILF Hunter too guys 😭 and Omega is a pilot, like Tech 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 their hug was just so sweet and then her keeping Lula and Tech’s goggles on her ship 🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

• I definitely think there might possibly be another show announcement coming with how it ended, I mean pilot Omega for the rebellion???? LETS GOOOOOO PLEASE

• I’m equal parts happy with this ending and sad. I think it was such a waste of time and narrative to have so many scenes with focus on CX-2 and 1. Not reveal him. 2. Not have him be Tech. Like that would have been such an insanely good story line to have followed. But nope ofc not 😔. My heart is empty because we didn’t get Tech back but then again there is still a chance he’s alive, right? Right????? I will die on this hill of delulu. But all in all, it was a good ending to this masterpiece of a show. My heart is forever changed by the Bad Batch and I will love them for a long time to come.❤️🖤

[intotyun]

I love this picture because it's so unintentionally funny because this is when isshin describe aizen and his army and why is aizen so big here 😭😭😭 omfg

the fact those monsters are supposed to represent his army which are the espada but then we find out they consist of a dilf, grumpy old man, a single mom, depressed emo boy, insane gay scientist, a cat, a misogynistic man, fishbowl, an angry hulk and aizen's #1 fanboy

[cultofstan]

✨Silver Spotlight: Robert Maverick (aka. The Second Red Hulk)

Robert Maverick is an American army general from Marvel Comics, most notable for being a core member of the U.S.Avengers (from the book of the same name). The book only had 12 issues but the team and Maverick were utilized in the Avengers No Surrender event from 2018. His main superpower is that he has a biological button graphed into his arm that allows him to transform into a Hulk-like being for one hour everyday. Additionally, since he is an Army general, he has combat experience with both weapons and his hands.

Sadly, there isn’t much to his character other than being the old army guy that follows orders and likes beating up whatever bad guys the team face off against. The closest thing we get to a stand alone issue for the character is issue #4, where Maverick is sent out on a solo mission to a stop American Kaiju and unexpectedly teams up with Deadpool, but the book makes fun of the flatness of this new Red Hulk rather than try and utilize the situation to flesh him.

Worse, the series takes a major shift in focus half way through due to being affected/related to the massive Secret Empire event, resulting in Maverick being relegated to a background character that gets his powers messed up as a result of being forced into his Hulk-state for longer than his body could handle. After Secret Empire and during Avengers No Surrender, Maverick only gets utilized in one major way: a fight with the real Hulk which results in Maverick losing his ability to transform into the Hulk completely (and basically being killed off since it’s repeatedly stated that his heart can give out at any moment due to the strain becoming the Red Hulk forced on him)

A huge reason why Robert Maverick interests me is because he serves as a perfect representation of both how the members of U.S.Avengers got treated after the All New All Different era of Marvel ended and how older characters in general get treated if they don’t fill the mentor archetype or comedic relief archetype. (That and he’s a hot DILF, which y’all should know by now I’m a sucker for) Focusing specifically on that second form of representation, Maverick doesn’t make any meaningful or enriching connections with his team members over the course of his existence. His fight with the Hulk serves to create tension for other character actions in Avengers No Surrender and make it so he can’t really be used anymore. All things considered, there was a massive missed opportunity to have an older character learn to be a hero in a way that was never possible before in their life. That’s something you just don’t see very much of. Heroes like Captain America and Doctor Strange are technically on the older side but they’ve been heroes for pretty much their entire adult lives. It would have been fascinating to see someone who had never been in the world of superheroes come in at an age when most people become stuck in their ways of living and see how a new set of powers and responsibilities forces them to change into something better. Considering Maverick was an active Army General, it would have been double cool to see him utilize and contrast his history in the military against this new history as both the Red Hulk and a member of a superhero team. Ultimately, imo, Robert Maverick was a cool character that deserved a lot more love and dedication put into him. ❤️

[burnt-scone]

Just Hulk in a Drug Rug wishing you his best♡

[daincrediblegg]

Sorry I have to get it off my chest: Thanos isn’t nearly as good a villain as Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin and the whole of the MCU will never be able to match him in acting ability or energy. ✌️

[purplehanfu]

Self-Indulgent Birthday Post

notes: Spoilers, probably. Yay, it's my birthday! Pay attention to meeee! Warning: this is just a junk drawer of a post. List of all recaps

Recap Recycle Bin

There are many, many recaps that for whatever reason remain unfinished. Here are some from the scrap basket.

My Villain Husband: Episode 1

This scene is extremely necessary for character development.

Can I just say how much I enjoy the way web dramas objectify the male body like this? Is it wrong? I don't know, but feel free to have that discourse with the wind, baby. In this house we have all the time in the world to watch a fit young specimen ladle water over his shoulders. This episode is 6min 35sec long and we spend 1min 03sec of it watching this guy pour dirty bathwater on himself- it’s a little thing called world-building, people.

The Lady in Butcher’s House: Episode 15

This drama was awful, and yet I watched the whole thing. Why? Because of the rare moments of redemption like this scene in episode 15 when Wang Ruo Lin (best known as world’s worst shifu Zhao Jing in Word of Honor), Tong Meng Shi (who is a good actor and doesn’t belong in this mess) and Ren Yu break character several times. You can absolutely tell they were cracking each other up, and because this show is so low budget, they just left it in. 

Stop laughing, Xu Qing Jia; the prince is only trying to help!

The prince has the general kiss his collar and then quizzes the male lead on how to hide the evidence from his wife.

This drama also did one of my favorite things which is advocate for something totally unrelated to the story in a repeated and intrusive fashion. For this particular drama it was moxibustion and brushing your teeth.

Legend of Fei: Episode 45

Ah, as expected, the favorite game of a man with a giant metal hand that looks like a foam rubber Hulk arm that was painted silver. 

Sometimes When We Touch: Episode 1

White Impermanence Ghost is rocking a breezy high fashion look in this modern Taiwanese drama about life, death, and outsourcing the afterlife to the local university’s Supernatural Society.

Hikaru No Go: American Style

My version is set in Cleveland and the ghost is a WWII vet who became a union steel mill worker after the war, the kid is a grad student at Case Western and the name of the game is euchre! However, not sure if anyone who isn’t Great Lakes adjacent will find this interesting. 

Mirror: A Tale of Two Cities: Episode 1

Maybe my understanding of fantasy creatures is lacking, but I always thought that merpeople lived in the water or as paintings on the bedroom walls of 7-year-olds. In this drama, for reasons unknown, they seem to live on desolate and snowy mountain plains. Even Novoland Pearl Eclipse managed to get the merpeople in the water.

Love and Redemption: Episode 6

“Sandra, call my girl and see if she can fit me in- I broke a nail!”

Superlatives

Favorite Douyin To Watch Over and Over  🐸 tiny frog! (thanks @rongzhi​)

Novel I Liked Much More Than I Expected To: Dreamer in the Spring Boudoir trashman forever! (thanks @dangermousie )

Movie That Came Out of Nowhere To Steal My Soul: Tokyo Revengers (thanks @storge) 

Still My Favorite Drama, 3rd Year in a Row: Bloody Romance

“this soup tastes like the woman who raised me!”

Favorite Episode Recap (series): 27 & 28 of Jun Jiuling. It just went totally off the rails.

Favorite Episode Recap (Just the First Episode): Legend of Exorcism

fellas, is it gay? (it is. it is so gay. how is this not more popular?)

#1 DILF:

Shen Shen (thanks @baichoufeis​)

[iradim]

DILF!KIRISHIMA + READER

dilf!kirishima who thinks he’s way past his prime. he stopped dying his hair ages ago. allowing the black and grey streaks to run its course. his hulking frame is made up of calloused skin and battle scars. crows feet and smile lines adorn his face and although bakugou told him they aren’t that noticeable he can’t help wince when he stares at his reflection for too long. there’s a soft layer of pudge slowly replacing the parts of his once chiseled body that he just can’t seem to get rid of no matter how frequently he works out.

so yeah kirishima thinks he’s way past his prime which is why he can’t believe that a sweet little thing like you is hanging off his arm begging for a cock that’s too big for your cute pussy. the pretty little barista that makes his coffee fives days out the week is gushing all over his cock - taking it like it was made for you. he’s fucking you open into his mattress molding the shape of his cock into your sweet pussy. he can feel it flutter around him each time he bumps the head of his fat cock against your cervix.

he’s never had a pussy as wet as yours and he can feel your soft body tremble beneath him everytime you cream and gush on his cock. his lower stomach and thighs are soaked with your cum and the sight of it makes him dizzy. makes him grip your plush thighs tighter, pushing them harder against your chest. makes him fuck you harder until he hears his bed frame creaking. he can’t help but think how cute you look clinging on to his shoulders, soft lips parted with drool spilling from the side. thinks you’re so cute babbling about how much you want his cum even though he’s already stuffed you to point of it spilling every time he pulls out. <3

[dilftaroooo]

part 6 jotaro x reader imagine

another dilf imagine bc i can't help myself

(an au where jolyne actually has a good relationship with her dad)

synopsis: jolyne invites you over for dinner, her dad is sinfully hot, and you catch him in his time of need.

tw/tags: gn reader, age gap, dubcon, horny joot, stand used for sexual purposes, mentioned sexual content.

JoJo♥

‹hey wanna come over for dinner? we're having pizza

sure!›

The question seemed virtuous enough; eating dinner at your friend's house, not having to worry about what to make that night, and also taking the time to get to know her better. Jolyne was your fellow classmate in biology. She earned her acquaintance title by coming over to your desk and asking 'what's the scientific name for a dog'. You couldn't deny answering her, her face was scrunched up in genuine confusion as she looked at the possible answer choices for the mutiple-choice question. After aiding her in the midst her perplexity you both have been together ever since.

So when she texted you this afternoon, you beamed when reading the words in the text bubble. Why not take this oppurtunity to spend time learning more about Jolyne? When you rang the doorbell to her luxurious house, you expected to see a girl with half dyed hair frantically opening the door with a giddy smile adoring her face - definitely not a colossal figure wearing a seaweed green crewneck sweatshirt staring you down with an foreboding look. This must be her dad.

You took note of his eyes, a sharp turquoise color bordering his pupil - it made you think of a secluded island surrounded by calm, crystal, waters. You were astonished by his facial features - face defined and chiseled like a Greek god. He was breathtaking. And it wasn't until that moment you thought to yourself: Jolyne's dad is hot. You come back to reality when you hear his deep grunt, trying to reclaim your attention.

"You must be Jolyne's friend. Come in, she's upstairs in her room. The pizza will be here soon." He plainly states. When he sees you nod in response, he steps to the side to let you in and gives you the directions to Jolyne's room. You'd be lying if you said you weren't sad to have him out your line of sight but your problem was compensated with your time spent with Jolyne - giggling and laughing at anecdotes that the both of you experienced.

Your conversation was put to a pause when you had to use the bathroom.

"Oh! The toilet in my bathroom is acting up for some reason. You can go ahead and use the one downstairs. Besides, it's much cleaner in there." She gave you a grin and you playfully scoffed, happy that you didn't have to see what mess lingers in her bathroom. Jolyne didn't specify exactly where the bathroom was which had you wondering around the house goalessly. You searched left and right and found numerous doors scattered in the hallway. 'Why the hell is this house so big for just two people?' Your question may never be answered but it wasn't a necessity. You just need to find out where-

"What are you looking for?" The stoic tone pierced the atmosphere and you looked behind you to see Jolyne's dad's hulking body override yours. You gulp.

"Oh um...I was just looking for the bathroom." His stare had you nervous. He was a hard character to read.

His back faced you and you couldn't help but notice how massive he looked in this angle. "Follow me." You heed his word and trailed closely behind him, arriving at the bathroom that was only a couple steps away from the stairs. You felt a little silly from its proximity.

"Thank you, Mr.Kujo."

Another grunt came from the impasive man - at this point, you would think Jolyne's dad was a caveman. You finally relieved yourself and was planning to head back upstairs if it wasn't for Jolyne's dad blocking you from doing so. His eyes once again looked down to yours. It was hard to pinpoint what he wanted.

"How old are you?" He inquired. A tint of confusion filled you. Why was he asking you this all of a sudden? A question so blunt-

"Eighteen," You replied. "Um, Sir, if you don't mind me asking, why are you-"

"Are you seeing anyone?" Your eyebrow was now raised. You felt uncomfortable by him prying into your personal life like it was some public library book.

"Sir why - ack! - hey, what are you-!" He picked up a habit of cutting you off. This time instead of interrupting you verbally, he tugged you closer to his frame, heavy cologne rubbing on you. His hand covered your mouth to stop you from getting any louder.

"Quiet. I don't want Jolyne to hear. That'll only cause more of a problem." You felt hands glide up your inner thigh and you look down only to not find any hands at all. While one of his hands covered your mouth, the other found a spot tight around your waist...so what was touching you near your lower regions?

"I need to use you for a minute. I'm sure you don't mind."

A strange entity pulled down your pants and freed you from your undergarments, the cool air hits you strikingly. You felt finger trace along your privates and you whimper underneath Jotaro, said man was pleased to hear them. It stroked, flicked, and circled over your sensitive spots - the remarkable feeling of pleasure whorled inside you. This wasn't what you had in mind.

"I've been a bit needy lately. I apologize for my lack of resistance, but I need to ease myself. So sit there be good for me."

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

Seeing Italrry like: that’s my DILF right there, officer 😶

That is the young single father of a toddler who is having his first vacation in a while and he’s just trying to keep his shit together the whole way through because relaxing had been super hard for him given that he’s been on constant alert mode since he had his kid, and one night he decides to take advantage of the hotel’s 24 hour daycare service and forces himself to enjoy a night out for once.

He comes back to the hotel around 2 am extremely tipsy and just sits outside his hotel room because he can’t find his key card (he probably lost it at the bar like a moron) and he’s playing with the shoe laces on his Vans and counting the checkered print to pass the time, and then you wander by (also on your first vacation in a while, due to how busy you’ve been with work and school) almost as drunk as he is, and you invite him into your room across from his for the time being because the concierge desk doesn’t open until six AM, and you’d feel like a shit person leaving him out there on the floor by himself all night.

You get to talking about your lives, introducing yourselves to one another and definitely over-sharing due to the alcohol in your system, and he tells you about how he has a toddler and how it’s the first time he’s gone out in a while, so he was rusty on how to navigate the scene and that ended with him losing not only the card to his hotel room, but also his left sock and favorite trucker cap. You sympathize, telling him that your friends had surprised you with this trip because they constantly tell you you’re too wound up and that you’re letting your youth slip away by taking on so much at a time (working while juggling a biology degree is definitely some type of torture mechanism) so you’re in the same boat as him in terms of being rusty with drinking and partying; you’d nearly stumbled over the edge of the sidewalk into one of the canals on your way back to the hotel, for fuck’s sake.

One thing leads to another and you end up hooking up, and it’s incredibly fun and messy (you somehow wind up on the floor, though neither of you seem to notice or care) and the morning after is filled with surprisingly easy chatter and banter despite the raging hangovers, and it’s amazing how well you both get on even without the help of the liquor. You accompany him to pick up his daughter from the overnight daycare and head to breakfast together, and the little girl takes to you immediately (it’s probably the fact that you’d been able to bond with her over your shared affinity for Marvel, and it’s funny to see someone her age playing with Hulk and Thor dolls instead of Barbies) and she expresses that, “It’s nice to see daddy talking to a girl again. He always says he’s too busy, and I always tell him he’s gonna die alone if he doesn’t try. You seem nice, though. And pretty. Isn’t she pretty, daddy?”

Harry’s absolutely embarrassed at his daughter’s bluntness, his face beet red as he tries to hide his blazing cheeks behind his large palms, and you have to hold in laughter for the sake of not mortifying him further. “Yeah, she’s real pretty, sprout. Now why don’t you go grab daddy a honey bun, hm?”

“Can I get one, too?”

“You’ve already had two.” He reasons, giving her a mildly chastising glance. “You know what happens when you have too much sugar— you get a tummy ache.”

The little girl doesn’t budge, staring at him expectantly. You can’t help but notice how she’s the spitting image of her father, from the silky curls tied in neat gelled pigtails to the dimples denting into her pudgy cheeks. The fact that Harry takes the time and effort to do her hair so perfectly makes your lips twitch.

The young man caves, sighing in surrender. “Fine. Only because we’re on holiday.”

As soon as she paddles off towards the buffet line, Harry turns to you and begins spewing apologies for his child’s bombarding comments, but you just shrug it off with a smile. “Can’t blame a kid for being honest, can you? It’s a good quality to have.”

Harry exhales in relief, his lips spreading into a watery smile as his humiliation slowly begins funneling away. “I guess so, yeah.”

“Plus,” you pop a bite of scrambled eggs into your mouth, chewing patiently through a sly grin, “she called me pretty. Can’t argue with fact.”

Harry rolls his eyes playfully, spearing a grape with his fork as he gives you a deadpan scowl. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Too late.”

You spend the rest of vacation sneaking into each other’s rooms whenever you can in order to get in some vacation sex, and you enjoy all the attractions together (along with his daughter) so that the trip you both started alone doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.

[skiplo-wave]

I don't think Jeremy Renner should be blamed or get the hate for Hawkeye. It should be the people behind the scenes. They made him a lot older than what he seems in the comics and strip him off with his personality and gave him a farm and family. Not that its wrong but Clint Barton in comics is so much more than SHIELD agent and side character. He's one of the major Avengers and actually friends with everyone. He has interesting lovelife and lifestyle. MCU did Hawkeye dirty and I'll forever hate them for it.

Oh absolutely. Same goes for cast as a whole. ( still remember when Mark came as new BRUCE people booed him the nerve)

But farmer dilf Clint is cute lol

Seems Clint and Bruce are main two MCU aren’t sure what do with. And at this point maybe giving them a series is better than a movie but lowkey want movie for them.

Fuck it gimme movie Clint and Bruce team up! Let’s see Clint be chaotic with Hulk lol

( ngl if at point I did dislike Clint it would be civil war but that movie upsets me for many different reasons which is why I don’t watch it smh)

[chelsfic]

Make a Wish - Guillermo x Nandor One-shot (Fluff)

WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Guillermo has the best/weirdest birthday of his life

A/N: Pure fluff and crack, enjoy!

Warnings: Fluff, Crack, Blood drinking, Pining, Vomit lol

---

“Master? There’s a nice virgin waiting for you in the cell and I pulled out those maps of the Carpathians you mentioned last night. Do you think you’ll be alright if I go out for a few hours?”

Guillermo holds up the heavy velvet cape, standing on his tiptoes to reach around his master’s broad shoulders. He comes around to do the clasp at Nandor’s neck and finds the vampire frowning at him in annoyance.

“What is the meaning of this, Guillermo?” Nandor whines, flipping his hair over his shoulder petulantly. “You already had a day off this year for the funeral of your grandsire! I give you one day off, suddenly you think you’re a man of leisure?! This is unacceptable! I was planning on going through my ‘90s wardrobe and making a pile for the homeless persons…”

Guillermo finishes with the clasp and runs his hands down Nandor’s arms, smoothing the fabric and certainly not secretly enjoying the feel of his master’s strong arms. 

“Well, couldn’t you start working on that while I’m out and then--”

“You want me to organize my own clothes!” Nandor blusters with a stomp of his foot. “What am I, some beggar vampire who cannot keep a familiar? Doing the chores for myself, donating my own clothes to homeless...Where are you going, anyway, that’s so important you have to abandon me in my hour of need?”

“‘Hour of need’? Really--?” Guillermo pauses, shutting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. Remember why you do this. One day Nandor is going to give you eternal life. Eternal life at his side...all the time in the world for him to realize how important you are and how much he must care about you…

Feeling centered, he forces a mild smile and answers, “It’s my birthday, master. My mom is having a party for me at her house. My sisters and cousins will be there… I can’t miss my own birthday party.”

“Birth...day...party?” Nandor draws out the phrase with an exaggerated look of confusion on his handsome face. “What is this, like, your name day?”

“No, it’s--”

“Like your bar mitzvah? You are finally becoming a man, Guillermo?” Nandor’s brows draw up in the middle and a suppressed smile tugs at his lips. 

“What!? No--I am a man, master…” Guillermo clenches his jaw in frustration. 

“Then, what? What is the purpose of this holiday you are making up just to steal another night off from your duties?” Nandor is fully pouting now.

“It’s the day I was born! It’s a celebration for the day I was born!” Guillermo finally shouts, flapping his arms at his sides in irritation.

Nandor rolls his eyes and huffs a disbelieving laugh, “Is that all? You celebrate yourself just for being born? This seems highly pitiful, Guillermo, even for you. Come back to me once you’ve won a few battles. Then we will have a reason for making the celebration.”

Guillermo’s shoulders slump and he looks away from Nandor, suddenly feeling like he might cry. He hasn’t seen his sisters in six months!

“Alright, fine!” Nandor relents, eyeing Guillermo’s glassy eyes with a look of supreme discomfort. “You may have a few hours off from your duties to celebrate this fake holiday. What are you going to do? Is there a reenactment?! With lots of blood and screaming?”

Nandor’s eyes are suddenly lit with interest and Guillermo shudders as he answers, “Of course not, master. It’s...it’s just a party for people who care about you to celebrate that you’re alive and in their lives. And you get presents and cake.”

Nandor looks deflated and he waves his hand in dismissal, “Sounds very tedious. I’m glad you do not require me to attend, Guillermo. I will be much happier with my virgin and my maps. You may go.”

Guillermo narrows his eyes as he tries to parse out if there’s some hidden subtext to Nandor’s words. Then he reminds himself that his master isn’t known for subtlety and he shrugs, muttering a sincere, “Thank you, master” before leaving the crypt.

---

Guillermo is trudging down the dark street towards the bus stop when his master suddenly erupts out of nowhere to stand at his side. He lets out a glass shattering shriek and clutches his hand to his chest.

“Jesus Christ!” he exclaims to a chorus of dramatic sneers and complaints from Nandor.

“Don’t say that, Guillermo!” Nandor commands in outrage. “You know I don’t like that guy!”

“Sorry, master,” Guillermo responds on autopilot. He bunches his hands into fists in his pockets and stamps his feet against the cold. “Was there...something you needed before I go?”

Nandor’s eyes go shifty and he starts walking in the direction of the bus stop. Guillermo falls into step beside him and waits for him to speak. 

“I will attend your birth party,” Nandor announces, holding his chin up and striking a grand pose as if he’s just announced he’s about to invade Anatolia--which he’s done, by the way.

“O-okay…” Guillermo is filled with confusion and a sudden, gripping terror. His master wants to come to his birthday party. At his mom’s house. Where his family will be. His very nosy, very meddling family. “But, why?”

Nandor bares his teeth in something that could be a smile or a grimace, “That virgin you got for me was very bitter! I’ll need you to procure something tastier. I will supervise your festivity until then.”

“Couldn’t you just go hunting--”

“Oh, look, Guillermo! The human motor wagon has arrived! We don’t want to miss it,” Nandor shoves Guillermo up the steps of the bus, hulking behind him and looking like a giant, goth bat as Guillermo pays their fair.

---

“Memocito! My baby, glad to see you made it to your own party. You’re only an hour late!”

Guillermo is immediately engulfed in a rib cracking hug as soon as he steps through the door of his mom’s tiny apartment.

“Hey, mama,” he says softly and not without emotion, returning the hug. He’s suddenly feeling the loneliness and homesickness that he’s trained himself to ignore on Staten Island. He clings to his mom for so long that his sisters and cousins start to laugh behind their hands at him. Whatever. 

“Oh! And you have a guest, Memo?” She pulls back from the hug and eyes the tall, handsome, oddly dressed stranger lurking at the doorway. 

“Uh--yeah, mom, this is my...friend, Nandor. Nandor, this is my mother, Silvia de la Cruz,” Guillermo eyes Nandor meaningfully at the word “friend,” silently willing the glowering vampire to play along. If his mother finds out this is the overbearing boss who’s been keeping her son from family functions and holidays for the last couple years…

“Friend!? Frieeend? You mean, like, boyfriend, hermano?” Gabby, Guillermo’s soon-to-be-murdered little sister, squirms her way between him and his mom, her eyes gleaming with mischief. She checks Nandor out with zero attempt to hide what she’s doing and leans in to stage a whisper in Guillermo’s ear, “He’s big!”

Nandor, choosing this moment to catch on to Guillermo’s subterfuge, nods agreeably, “Boy...friend. Yes! I am Guillermo’s boy-friend. May I come inside?”

Silvia smacks her forehead and waves him inside, “Of course! Come in! Come in! So polite he is, Guillermo! I like him!”

This is, possibly, the most embarrassing moment of Guillermo’s life. And that includes the time he peed on stage at the 4th grade play. This is worse than that. He might as well be the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. Only instead of violet, his face is turning as red as it’s ever been. Silvia takes Nandor’s arm and draws him inside. For a split second Guillermo feels a shock of panic at the sight of his mother so close to a man who murders on a daily basis, but Guillermo calms himself. Nandor may be unintentionally rude and hurtful, but he would never hurt anyone in Guillermo’s family. 

Nandor is tugged along on Silvia’s arm, an awkward smile plastered to his face as rapidfire introductions are made.

“This little brazen creature is Gabby, Guillermo’s little sister. There’s Angela over there, his older sister. And German, Pablo, Gina and Miguel--Memo’s cousins! Come, come, come what do you want to drink?”

Silvia tugs the reluctant vampire into her cramped kitchen and Guillermo can only watch, helplessly. Nandor suddenly catches sight of a crucifix hanging on the wall and hisses dramatically before being pulled out of sight.

And that’s when the scavengers descend. 

“How did you meet!?”

“Oh my god, Memo, he’s so handsome. I can’t believe you’re dating a DILF!”

“--He’s not--”

“How old is he??”

“Uh…”

“Of course, Guillermo’s boyfriend is a total goth!”

“Shut up! More importantly how is he in the sack? He looks like he’d be kinky…”

“Gabby, oh my god! You’re too young to be talking like that!”

The attack ceases as Nandor reappears from the kitchen, slinking up to Guillermo’s side and wordlessly handing him a Solo cup filled with fizzing soda. Guillermo knows it’s Nandor’s way of getting rid of the offensive human beverage, but everyone else in the room makes heart eyes at the pair of them, assuming Nandor is being gallant. 

The guests all settle into seats in the living room and Guillermo finds himself on the couch sandwiched between Nandor and his cousin, German, who keeps innocently bumping into Guillermo and pushing him closer and closer to the confused vampire. Guillermo ends up pressed against his master’s side, an encroachment on the vampire’s personal space that would normally result in a sharp word and a hiss of distaste. But, this time, he allows it, much to Guillermo’s intense relief. Nandor is busy fidgeting, tugging at his cape, clutching the hems and drawing it around him like a security blanket as he nervously eyes Silvia’s collection of Jesus statues.

“So,” Silvia’s eyes sparkle and Guillermo sucks in a breath awaiting the next stage of his mortification. “How did you two meet?”

Nandor opens his mouth, his eyes shifting around the room as he prepares to make up what will surely be some ridiculous story. Guillermo pipes up before he can answer, “At work! We--uh--work together.”

It’s best to stick as close to the truth as possible. Get the questioning over with. Blow out the candles. Eat some cake. And then get Nandor the hell away from his family and pray that everyone forgets this night ever happened. 

Silvia frowns in distaste and Guillermo’s stomach plummets before she even opens her mouth, “Ugh! You work for that slave driver, too? What is wrong with this boss of yours, he can’t let you have a day off for Thanksgiving and Christmas? It’s not right! I keep telling you I can get you a job in the school department…”

“Mama!” Guillermo interrupts, casting a nervous glance to Nandor whose face is clouding over with outrage. “You know I love my job, come on!”

Guillermo can feel Nandor’s gaze on him and he turns to catch his eye, smiling apologetically at his master. Nandor’s eyes are wide and fathomless, he’s staring at Guillermo with an unreadable expression but at least he doesn’t look angry. 

Thankfully, the conversation turns to more general topics and Nandor leans in to whisper into his ear, “Why does your mother keep calling you this name, Meh-mo?”

Guillermo is hyper aware of his sisters’ and cousins’ furtive glances. Why does his family have to be so damn nosy? Still, he can’t help the visible shiver that goes through him when Nandor’s lips brush against his earlobe. His cheeks burn when he notices Angela elbowing Gabby and nodding in his direction with an arch look.

He turns to face Nandor, trying to block out his obnoxious sisters and focus on the question, “It’s short for Guillermo. Like a pet name, kind of.”

“Pet...name? Guillermo! You are not a pet!” 

Nandor’s vehement reaction catches the familiar off guard and he answers without considering his words, “It’s just an expression, master.”

He cringes, realizing his mistake at once. German stiffens beside him and slowly turns with a knowing smirk on his lips. He leans in and whispers, “Gabby was right! You’re kinky as fuck with your Count Chocula boyfriend! Oh my god, cuz!”

“It’s not--uh…” Guillermo stutters, grabbing the Solo cup off the coffee table and taking a giant swallow of soda rather than confronting his cousin’s mistaken idea. The soda goes down the wrong pipe and Guillermo sputters and wheezes, dragging ragged breaths into his lungs against the burning sensation of Coke flowing down his trachea. 

“Guillermo!” Nandor yells, fluttering his hands helplessly around his familiar’s convulsing form. “What is the meaning of this? Are you having a joke? Stop at once, it’s not funny!”

Guillermo waves his master’s words away, coughing into his elbow and frantically trying to regain control of his body. This night seriously couldn’t get any more embarrassing.

German laughs, slamming a fist into Guillermo’s back as he explains, “He’ll be fine. His drink just went down the wrong way…”

Nandor glares at the man’s fist as he punches Guillermo’s back a few more times, but the method seems to work. Guillermo’s face relaxes and he starts breathing easier. 

“I did not realize this celebration would be so dangerous, Guillermo!” Nandor hisses, grabbing the offending Solo cup from the table and shoving it away from his familiar’s reach. “It is a good thing I have come with you.”

Guillermo doesn’t know how to reply, so he stays silent, appreciating the ability to bring air into his lungs. Silvia finally stands and sends a little smile his way before announcing, “Time for cake!”

Guillermo grins, he’s been looking forward to his mom’s famous chocolate cake for weeks. But Nandor scowls and looks apprehensive. 

“Guillermo!” he whispers, “I can’t eat the cake!”

Guillermo’s smile wavers and he stares at Nandor with a look of dawning horror. He’s thinking back to every time they visited relatives when he was younger and his mom would smack him upside the head for refusing a dish with tomatoes. In his mom’s world refusing food from your host was simply not done. You’re lactose intolerant? Not today, buddy. Don’t eat meat? Too bad. Human food turns you into a scene straight out of The Exorcist? Oh well...

“You have to!” Guillermo croaks, grabbing Nandor’s hand without thinking. “Please! She’ll be so hurt if you don’t eat it…”

Nandor frowns down at their joined hands but doesn’t move to rip away from his familiar’s touch as he normally would. Guillermo is grateful, even if he knows it’s just for the benefit of his family’s watchful eyes.

“But--” 

Nandor is interrupted by the lights suddenly flicking off. Silvia appears in the kitchen doorway holding a massive cake pan studded with lit birthday candles. The sisters and cousins take up a warbly, off-key version of “Cumpleaños Feliz.” Nandor claps and mouths incorrect lyrics with a dazed expression as Silvia brings the flames alarmingly close to his familiar’s face.

“Make a wish, mijo!” 

Guillermo grins warmly up at his mom, his face lit by the golden glow of the birthday candles. He can feel Nandor staring at him again and he spares him a glance from the corner of his eye. Nandor’s lips are parted and his eyes are wide. There’s a look of wonder on his face that Guillermo doesn’t understand. He turns back to the cake, taking a deep breath, shutting his eyes and wishing with all his might. 

“Wow! Guillermo!” Nandor exclaims, clapping along with the others as his familiar blows out the candles. “Very good job with the blowing! You’re always so good about that at home.”

There’s a long beat of pointed silence during which Guillermo’s head comes dangerously close to exploding and every other occupant of the room attempts, with varying degrees of success, to hold in their laughter. 

“Yeah, great job, Memo!” Gabby says brightly, walking over to stand by Nandor. She puts her arm around his shoulders and leans down with a wicked smirk, “Tell me more about how well my brother blows things, Nandor…”

“Gabriella!” Silvia’s voice comes out in a low warning and the teen’s face falls into a scowl but she backs off. 

“Sorry, mami. I’ll be good,” she mutters, kneeling down by the coffee table and looking back up at Nandor. “You guys are seriously so cute, though.”

“Thanks?” Nandor answers, smiling uncomfortably and baring his rather obvious canine teeth. Gabby raises her eyebrows but doesn’t remark on them. Guillermo thinks about the possibility of a spontaneous sinkhole swallowing him up in the middle of his mother’s living room.

His mom retreats into the kitchen, dragging Gabby and Angela along with her. In a few moments the girls come back out and start distributing giant pieces of cake to the guests. Guillermo watches Nandor accept the plate with a false smile. He holds it at arm's length as if the food might jump off the plate and into his mouth if he isn’t careful. Guillermo sighs, it’s not really fair of him to expect his master to make himself sick just to save his mom’s feelings.

He leans into Nandor’s shoulder and whispers under his breath, “It’s fine, master. You don’t have to--”

Silvia sits down with her own slice and looks over at them, happily, “It’s your favorite, Memo! Nandor, I hope you like chocolate! I’m sure you already know how much Guillermo loves it!”

“Actually, mama--”

“It’s...delicious!” 

Guillermo whips his head around to find his master determinedly chewing a giant bite of chocolate cake with agony written all over his face. A single bloody tear drop squeezes out of the corner of his eye and Guillermo quickly wipes it away with the edge of his sleeve. 

“Oh...master, you didn’t have to do this…” Guillermo whispers. There’s pity in his voice but he can’t help the irresistible smile from spreading over his lips. Nandor ate human food for him. The string of embarrassments leading up to this moment is suddenly worth it. His master really does care. 

Nandor is even paler than usual and he’s staring off into space with an abstracted look like a toddler who’s about to shit his pants.

“If you’ll...excuse me,” he pants, gritting his teeth to get the words out. “Where is...your human bathing room?”

“I’ll show you!” Guillermo cries, shooting up and grabbing Nandor by the arm, “It’s this way!”

His cousins and sisters give each other knowing looks, but Guillermo doesn’t care. He’s too worried about getting his master to the bathroom before he starts projectile vomiting all over his mom’s porcelain Jesus sculptures. Once they’re inside the tiny room, Nandor makes a beeline for the toilet, slamming the lid up and emptying a noxious spray of vomit into the bowl. Guillermo winces in disgust but dutifully moves to Nandor’s side, pulling his hair back and gently patting his shoulders as he pukes his guts out. 

“There, there, master,” he says quietly, true affection coloring his voice.

Nandor’s back convulses dramatically for another minute and Guillermo’s heart aches with sympathetic pain. Finally, he staggers back, collapsing down onto the rim of the tub and moaning pitifully. Guillermo flushes the toilet, kneeling down in front of Nandor and putting his hand to his forehead like a parent checking a child’s temperature. He doesn’t know what he expected--Nandor can’t get a fever. But the gesture somehow feels right and Nandor leans into the touch. 

“Guillermo,” the vampire whines. “My tummy hurts.”

“I know, master. I’m sorry. Thank you, though! That was...really nice of you.”

Nandor’s eyes fly open and he meets Guillermo’s gaze with a look of panicked distaste. Guillermo, holding onto hope like only he can, maintains eye contact, trying to push his gratitude and affection through his eyes. Nandor still looks nauseated. He hisses, “Nice… Nandor the Relentless is not nice, Guillermo! I just had a sudden urge to know what chocolate tastes like. And now I know. It’s disgusting!”

“Of course, master,” Guillermo agrees, dropping it for the moment. He sighs and goes to stand up when Nandor suddenly grabs his wrist and brings it up to his face, pressing his nose to Guillermo’s tender skin and inhaling deeply. Guillermo’s breath escapes him in one sharp gasp and he collapses back to his knees on the fuzzy bath mat. “M-master?”

“Can I just take a little sip, Guillermo?” Nandor asks, baring his fangs and letting them drag against the inside of his familiar’s wrist. “To settle my stomach?”

“Here!?” Guillermo’s voice comes out as an incredulous squeak. His master has fed from him only once in the two years he’s served him, and that was a drug-blood-related emergency. The idea of him piercing his fangs into his flesh and drinking...in the middle of his childhood home? It’s wrong and...suddenly all Guillermo can think about.

“Please, Guillermo! I ate chocolate cake for you!” Nandor gripes. 

Guillermo’s smile is as bright as the sun. His master admitted it! He does care! He knew it!

“Alright, master,” Guillermo agrees, pressing his wrist up to Nandor’s cold lips. “Just a quick sip. My mom is right outside!”

“Quick, quick,” Nandor hums, his eyes already glowing with bloodlust. He cradles Guillermo’s wrist, holding him gently with both hands and descending onto the thin skin covering his beating pulse with a shudder of hunger. 

Guillermo hisses, his face twisting with the pain even as his foolish vampire fanboy brain goes into overdrive. Nandor’s lips move against his skin and he laps the blood that flows from the wound. Guillermo can’t help the thready moan that falls from his lips at the touch of his master’s tongue on his skin. 

“Oh, master,” he breathes, his eyes falling shut as he succumbs to the sensation. “That feels good.”

Nandor pulls back with a strangled groan, his familiar’s blood dripping from his lips and into his beard, “Well, of course it feels good, Guillermo! You think I want my familiar writhing around in pain while I’m feeding from him? Very annoying.”

Nandor was true to his word and he only takes a sip, laving his tongue along the open wound one last time before releasing Guillermo’s wrist. The familiar mews in disappointment before remembering where he is and how long he and his so-called boyfriend have been in the bathroom already. He grabs a couple bandaids from the medicine cabinet and slaps them over his wrist, tugging his sleeve down to cover the evidence. Then he turns to find Nandor ineffectually blotting his face with toilet paper. 

“Guillermo?” his eyes are big and helpless, it’s really no wonder Guillermo is head over heels for him. “Can you help me with this?”

Guillermo reaches into his pocket and takes out the old-fashioned handkerchief he always carries for just such occasions. He holds it under the faucet for a couple seconds before going to work cleaning up his master’s bloodied mouth. Nandor watches his face with a gimlet stare as Guillermo cleans him.

“Are you having a nice birthday celebration, Guillermo?” he asks and Guillermo notes that he’s toying with his rings as he always does when he’s unsure of himself. 

“Yes, master, I am,” Guillermo answers truthfully. It may be the oddest birthday he’s ever had, but it’s also shaping up to be one of the best.

The rest of the party goes by blessedly without incident. Gabby and Angela keep trying to throw Guillermo coy, knowing looks but he just evil-eyes them right back. He opens his presents and learns that Nandor is adorably interested in the whole process. He finally hands one of the gifts to Nandor to open because he’s so enamored by the glittery wrapping paper. It turns out to be a book on the history of vampires in cinema which causes Guillermo to blush for the thousandth time and Nandor to gush.

“Is there a chapter on Twilight!?” he exclaims, flipping through the pages. “There is! This is an excellent gift, Gabby.”

Guillermo’s pretty sure he’s not getting the book back, but it’s kind of worth it. 

When the time comes to leave everyone lines up for hugs and Guillermo is mortified to find that his family fully expects Nandor to join in. But he’s once again surprised by his master this evening. The vampire who cringes away from Guillermo’s merest touch returns his mother’s embrace warmly. 

Nandor bends his head down to Silvia’s level and says, “You’ve made me a very good boy, thank you.”

“You’re...welcome?” she catches Guillermo’s eye and laughs before pulling him into the hug, too. Guillermo thrills as his master’s arm opens to admit him into the embrace. “Don’t be such a stranger, mijo. Tell your boss you need more time to come see your poor mama, okay?”

Nandor stiffens slightly. The look he gives his familiar is almost guilty. Guillermo’s eyes tear up a little and he squeezes his mother tighter, “I will, mom. Te quiero.”

---

Nandor is quiet on their way out of the apartment building. He waits until they’re out in the open air of the night before finally speaking. 

“What were those words you were saying to each other before we left, Guillermo? Taky arrow?” he questions.

Guillermo laughs, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. “Te quiero,” he corrects. “It means ‘I love you.’”

Nandor falls quiet again and Guillermo looks up to see that he’s mouthing the strange syllables with a look of intense concentration on his face. 

“Te quiero,” Guillermo repeats more slowly, attempting to assist his master’s efforts. 

“That’s...nice, Guillermo. Thank you,” Nandor responds haltingly, looking uncomfortable and refusing to meet his eyes.

“What!? No, I--”

“Is that why you insisted on allowing your family to believe we are lovers?” Nandor asks and he injects a tone of disapproval into his voice.

“I didn’t! That was you--”

“Highly impertinent, Guillermo. Really!” Nandor scolds and Guillermo feels the light bubble in his chest start to deflate.

He lets out an annoyed huff of air and struggles momentarily to shift the oversized bag of gifts in his arms before Nandor rolls his eyes and takes it from him, managing to carry it with ease. There’s that annoying hope again. How can Nandor say such things and then turn around and do things like hold his bag for him and poison himself with human food just to protect his mother’s feelings?

“Why did you really come tonight, master?” Guillermo asks, his voice quiet and fragile. “Please tell me the truth. For my birthday.”

“I--” Nandor stops, hissing and rolling his eyes as he struggles with the words. “You said that birthday celebrations are for people who care about you to celebrate that you are alive...and I’m very glad that you’re alive, Guillermo.”

Tears sting at Guillermo’s eyes and he can’t help the blinding smile that lights up his face at his master’s admission. It may not be a declaration of love, but for Nandor the Relentless it was pretty damn close. They walk another block toward the bus stop before Nandor breaks the silence once more.

“Do you want to have your final birthday present, Guillermo?” His voice is shy, hesitant.

Guillermo’s eyebrows lift in surprise, “Yes, master!”

“Alright, assume the position,” Nandor moves until he’s standing at Guillermo’s back. The human let’s out a surprised gasp when his master’s arms wrap around him, pulling him tightly against his chest. “Hold on tight, Guillermo!”

And then they’re flying! Guillermo’s hands clutch Nandor’s forearms in a vice grip as they float higher and higher. He watches his mom’s streat shrink until it’s a slim ribbon of light crisscrossed with others and forming a glittering net over the firmament far below. A wild laugh bubbles up from Guillermo’s throat and he squeezes his eyes shut in exultation as he cries, “Master! We’re really flying!”

“Really, really, Guillermo!” He can hear the smile in his master’s voice and it lifts his heart even higher. The air is cold and bracing around him, but the dizzying spectacle of flying more than makes up for the shivers that slowly creep over Guillermo’s vulnerable human body.

“This is amazing!” Guillermo cranes his neck to look up at Nandor. His hair is whipping in the wind behind him and his sharp fangs are bared in a wide, happy smile. 

His eyes flick down to meet Guillermo’s and he leans closer, his beard caressing Guillermo’s smooth cheek as he asks, “Is this what you wished for on your cake candles?”

The happy sound that erupts from Guillermo’s throat is part laughter and part hysterical sob. All of a sudden he knows he’s about to do something that he can never take back. He turns, squirming carefully in Nandor’s grip until they’re facing each other. He fastens his arms tightly around the vampire’s broad shoulders and answers, “Not exactly…”

And then he leans in and kisses his master square on the lips. For a split second they dip dangerously in the air and Guillermo feels his stomach swoop within him. And then Nandor’s arms tighten into an almost painful grip and he’s returning the kiss, pressing his lips to Guillermo’s with bruising force as they fly through the night sky. Guillermo strokes his impossibly warm tongue over Nandor’s cool, plump lower lip. Nandor growls and opens his mouth, allowing Guillermo inside, allowing his human to conquer and pillage his mouth. His little fierce, soft warrior. Their tongues stroke and pulse against one another. Nandor nibbles and suckles Guillermo’s sweet, pouty lips. Guillermo wishes with all his heart that he could reach up and sink his fingers into Nandor’s hair, but he dares not let go of his grip on the vampire’s shoulders. He shifts his focus, moving his mouth to Nandor’s cheek and kissing the rough, lovely edge of his bearded jaw with reverence that borders on worship. He ventures down beneath his jaw and teases the tiniest little nip on Nandor’s skin.

The breath goes from Nandor’s lungs and he whispers something. The words are almost drowned out by the fierce wind around them, but Guillermo hears.

“Tay kee arrow, Guillermo.”

The bag of gifts plummets to the earth a little while later. Nandor is wrapped in his familiar’s embrace, his hands seeking and discovering Guillermo’s plump, delicious body. 

The vampire curses and grumbles, “We’re not going back for that!

[abbacchiosbelt]

*All aboard the DILF bandwagon* Headcanons about a (fem)friend of Giorno catching the attention of Dio? The ones on Jotaro and Diavolo were great 🤩

y’all!!! you’re feral for the DILF content and i am here for it. okay — setting the stage: giorno lives with his father dio in the states. dio is a powerful prosecutor, lately more ruthless than ever after his divorce from jonathan over a year ago. giorno is going to college for marine biology (where he meets you, in a general class), as influenced by his relative dr. kujo. dio… is not happy.

needless to say, dio needs some god damn stress relief.

18+ under the cut! both parties are consenting adults.

When you meet Giorno Joestar-Brando, you’re not really sure what to think. He’s ethereal, really, and constantly has a gaggle of students trailing behind him. You don’t want to be like that, so you treat him like a normal person when he sits next to you in your English class. He’s quiet, but the two of you end up talking about your majors.

Each week that passes you grow closer with Giorno, eventually exchanging numbers to meet up for a study session. Sometimes you meet him for lunch with his boyfriend Fugo and their friend Mista, and occasionally you meet up with him for dinner. 

Eventually, you end up at Giorno’s house for regular study sessions. Fugo occasionally tutors the two of you but he’s a little… scary. Giorno has told you a bit about the father he lives with — Dio — but you’re not sure what to think. 

And then, the next time you visit, you’re greeted at the door by a very tall, handsome, and blonde man that you instantly recognize as Giorno’s father. It’s uncanny when Giorno’s hair is down from his usual style. Dio looks irritated to be answering the door, but he beckons you in and you’re left to stand nervously in the foyer while you wait for Giorno.

Dio is intense. He’s staring at you, and you feel like he can see right through you. Giorno looks horrified when he comes down the stairs to find Dio now interrogating you, and quickly drags you away. You do not miss the very obvious lick of his lips that Dio throws your way when Giorno turns his back.

When you run to the kitchen to get a glass of water that night, you’re met by Dio once again, leaning against the kitchen counter and sipping a glass of blood-red wine. He raises an eyebrow at you and asks if you need anything. When you stammer you were coming to get water, he steps forward and tips your chin up towards him with a lacquered nail, asking why Giorno was making a ‘darling creature’ like you fetch the refreshments. 

You turn beet red and say you volunteered. Dio backs off with an unamused hum and watches you collect what you came down for. Before you can leave the kitchen, he plucks a business card from the counter and scribbles something on it before putting it in the hem of your jeans with a smile, sharp teeth digging into his lip. He tells you to run along now and you scurry back to Giorno, hiding the business card (oh god, he wrote his personal number on it…). Giorno asks Dio did anything weird but you shake your head. You… don’t want to get into that. 

The next day you hem and haw before you text the number that Dio gave you. You don’t receive a reply until hours later, with Dio telling you to come over right now while Giorno was gone. Who did he think he was, telling you to come over right now? And yet here you were, nervously putting on a cute pair of lingerie along with a skimpy outfit, making the familiar journey to Giorno’s house.

Dio is shirtless when he answers the door — oh. He’s fucking ripped. He’s practically a model and you feel rather insignificant next to him, but he invites you in with a smirk nonetheless. Dio offers you a glass of wine which you refuse, but it doesn’t seem to trouble him. He beckons you to sit next to him on an impossibly large recliner. You perch nervously near his hulking form, keenly aware of the body heat radiating from him. 

Dio lowly speaks, asking how school is going, how you like the institution… And then without a shred of shame, he asks if you’re dressed like that because you wanted something more from Dio.

Dio’s charm and your willingness has you laid flat on the floor with Dio caging you in, his hands traveling slowly up and down your body. The closeness of it all — the way you can smell the wine on his breath, his bulging muscles pressed against you, the blonde hair cascading over his shoulders… Fuck, this was the best decision of your life.

Dio shreds your dress and you can’t find it in yourself to protest when he sucks one of your nipples into his mouth and sucks — shit, he was good. He works you up until his cock is straining against your now naked thigh. He’s not going to fuck you on the floor… No, Dio hauls you up and adjusts so that he has you held by your ass, cock teasing your sopping entrance.

He makes you beg and when you call him Master, his last shred of willpower is flung to the side when he plunges his thick cock inside of you. It stings for only a moment until the stretch becomes pleasant and you realize he’s strong enough to hold you up and fuck into you like it was nothing. You clench around him and for the first time in your life, cum just from penetration.

It just spurns Dio on as you weakly call out ‘Master’ and ‘Dio’ as he pumps into you. He nips at your shoulder and marks you as his — soon he’s at his limit, so you’re made to kneel on the floor and take his load on your face. 

He doesn’t cuddle, but Dio beckons you onto his lap and lets you sit there while both of you calm down. Negotiations are made — it’ll be for fun, of course, both your studies and Dio’s career come first. When you can, though, you’ll refer to Dio as Master and do as he commands. You’re left with several more orgasms before you leave the house, legs wobbly and body sated. 

Dio calls you more often than you would have thought, for a man so thoroughly invested in his business. Sometimes he fucks you in his luxury car that cost your tuition ten times over, and other times he comes to your little student apartment and fucks you on every single service.

For Dio’s sake and your own, you start on birth control and Dio becomes obsessed with cumming inside you. Any chance he has, he’s filling you to the brim with his cum. Some mornings he calls you and fucks you full of him, making you wear a plug to send him pictures throughout the day. 

Giorno, you hope, has no idea that you’re fucking his dad and that his dad has… interesting tastes. Giorno mentions that Dio has been less stressed than usual, but you only smile and nod.

One evening Dio invites you over, not realizing that Giorno had popped inside without him knowing. Dio takes you to his office and fucks you across his desk, spitting out degrading names that had you clenching around him and begging for his cum. You startle when there’s a loud knock at the door and Giorno’s soft yet harsh voice cutting through and asking Dio to keep it down.

You. Are. Red. Dio just chuckles and shoves you under the desk to service his cock with your mouth the rest of the night. Unfortunately for you… Giorno catches you on the way out. You are covered in bruises with your makeup smeared and have no possible explanation as to why you were there, except to be getting railed by Giorno’s father in his office. 

Giorno isn’t angry at you — he’s angry at Dio for what he assumes is manipulation. You tell Giorno it wasn’t, but he’s still not very happy. For Giorno’s sake, you only meet Dio outside of the home. Your friendship doesn’t suffer and you’re eternally grateful. 

Still, there’s a little thrill that runs through you when Dio is pounding into you about the fact that you are getting to fuck this incredibly beautiful and powerful man — Dio is practically obsessed with you and your body, so it’s a big ego boost. He loves fucking you almost as much as he loves himself!

[thomothysdoodles]

Ethan literally had his hand sliced off halfway down to the forearm by Lady D and reattached it like nothing. Man is unstoppable. That’s why he’s my favourite fictional dilf.

Okay, next we go to the house of that weird doll maker Donna and her weird puppet Angie. When I tell you this was easily the scariest part of the game I mean it. It was fucking awful. There were dolls everywhere and she kept making me see my dead wife. And that wasn’t even the worst part. We had to take an elevator down to the bottom floor and we could get back up. This was fucking straight out of PT. Like, oh my god I will never be over this entire section. So I get stuck in this section. Donna has made a doll of my dead wife and I need to open it for clues and on top of it all of my weapons have been taken. Even my knife. That bit was actually pretty fun. But of course the whole objective is to get a fuse back so I can leave this hellhole.

I get a key for the fuse box and go to use it. But then, as I am walking down the corridor, a baby starts to laugh. And I had googled a solution for the puzzles beforehand and I accidentally scrolled down on the guide and it said the abomination will chase you and I was like “the fucking what?”. I was expecting a hulking figure. Nope. A giant fetus with a yawning mouth is laughing and coming towards me. It was awful Thom. Look it up. It took me two hours to work up the courage. I hid. Then it appeared in another section and even Ethan whimpered. He whimpered. And when I finally got the fuse to the lift it appeared again! And I swear to fuck it was the slowest opening elevator ever.

And then when I escaped I had to play some bullshit game of hide and seek with Donna and Angie.

So after this I went to the next boss, and as soon as I saw this section I was like “what in the HP Lovecraft?”. This was something straight out of Shadow over Innsmouth with all the fish people. Everything flooded and the boss turned into a giant fish monster that I was desperately trying to avoid being eaten by. But I beat him. And it was gross. But I won. So that left one more mini boss.

Jesus Christ what a ride. I may look up that creepy fetus thing you mention now that there’s still light lmao and the fish dude?!?? I hate fishes. Ew

Also I’m seeing lots of fanart of lady D and memes of this game, and I’m glad you’re kinda telling me what the hell is going on because otherwise I’d be utterly lost xD