#why for so long with no good reason? I dunno. this may be related to the compulsive tendencies I have lol

[vimbry]

I've always had this weird shyness around admitting I'd like to learn to make music. I don't know why. I was raised in a very pro-artist family. I think it's a fear of failure if I'm just not very good at it, which heightens once you're vulnerable about something and now everyone knows you like it and makes it more humiliating. I think it's also because I had a parent that blew money they didn't really have on home studios and instruments and always fancied themselves a bit of a wannabe musician with no actual drive, so I subconsciously internalised the criticism that got.

anyway I'm saying this because fun community events like tmbptmbg, spending a day listening to and discussing the music of artists with such a creative, eclectic output get me inspired and motivated. or hell, just reading about the band's process in general in articles and interviews gets me like this.

[pyschedtrickster]

TADC Ep 2 - Depression and the Meaning of Life

Well, I may or may not be a day late to release of the episode, but I've watched it three times so far and I have some thoughts. Let's get the gritty stuff outta the way.

First of all, The Amazing Digital Circus belongs to @gooseworx and therefore everything I say here is just my personal take on the episode. I could be wrong, talking out my ass, etc. But this episode really spoke to me, so good job Goose.

Secondly, spoilers <3

Third, I think I've written enough that people won't get jumpscared with spoilers. This is gonna be a long read, so bear with me. This post will contain ALL my thoughts on the episode, both meaningful and just silly things I liked.

BUBBLE

So anyone who knows me from Bunnydoll Burrow knows I love Bubble. They're my favorite so far and this episode only cemented that further. They're wonderful comedic relief and even if they don't have any character development (which I don't think they will), I will always love them.

Caine Cares Too Much

While watching this, I was immediately off-put by Caine's reactions, even beginning with him calling Zooble back. He sounds so... dire? I don't know if that was intended to mean something or if it was just to put emphasis on how much Caine cares about his creations. Caine is AI, so world-building is likely his ONLY goal, or his prompt if you will. It wouldn't surprise me if that was why he was so upset by everyone's reactions.

But I can't help but wonder if this will play into his character arc. We understand that Caine is ambiguous right now and there's no real explanation of what his intentions are in the Circus. Something about this just really set me off. It made me feel unsafe in a way as if staying behind would result in danger of some kind. Obviously, it couldn't be that bad, as Zooble did stay behind and turned out fine. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is foreshadowing.

Zoobie

Hilarious. What a solid nickname, I've seen so many headcanons that Zooble would be a stoner in the real world. This only makes it better. They are now Zoobie in my mind.

Pomni's Child Comment

While I'm sure this was just a silly comment to be made, I kinda liked it. Just a little in-show reminder that through all of this, Pomni is a real, grown-ass woman stuck inside some digital Hell. The whole first episode, we see her wallowing and panicking, justifiably so. Finally, we get to see her grow more serious and stable.

Through the episode, we see more of her being a good character and becoming more at terms with her situation. I'll touch on this more soon.

Gangle

My girl CANNOT catch a break. Gangle is such a funny character and so, so sweet. She's level-headed in my opinion, even through her emotions. She seems to have a good grip on the shit happening around her but has a hard time communicating properly because she has a lot of feelings going on. Me too, honey, me too.

Even in the face of violence, danger, and overall shitfuckery, she doesn't shut down. Sure, she cries. But I've cried plenty of times while still holding the fort down. I think I just relate to her.

Lastly, I NEED to know what this means like I need oxygen.

Government Mandated Shipping

I dunno man, I just really liked this. I'm a shipper at heart. I've been writing fanfic since middle school. I saw pure fanfic material when I watched this scene.

Kinger and Raggs

This scene made me smile. It's a cute nod towards how Kinger is the longest-standing character and, according to some lost post of Goose's, Ragatha is the second. Plus, all of episodes one and two, we see her trying so hard to be a rock for Pomni. She tries to include everyone, keep everyone cheerful, and be a stable constant in a realm of chaos; Seeing Kinger recognize how far she's come and using that to bring her back to reason was just so refreshing. Ragatha deserves more appreciation like that: less about what she does for others, and more about what she's done for herself.

Jax's Disappointment

So we don't know much about Jax besides how Goose loves him and says he's an asshole who may or may not be irredeemable. When he started talking about violence and getting excited at the thought, I chalked it up to him being an ass. But it struck me just how much this mattered to Jax in this scene. I have questions, man. But I'm about to go on a wild tangent, so hear me out.

Jax is happy when being destructive. He gets immediately upset when things go well. And in the circus, we can assume that there have been a lot of traumatic, wild things that have occurred. I wonder if the chaos, the violence, is a comfort for Jax because of those traumatic experiences. As a person with trauma, I've learned that there's a funny cycle that I and other traumatized people experience.

We don't like the situations we're in, but when faced with normalcy, it's so much scarier than the damaging situation we come from. So, we run from 'normal' back into the suffocating arms of our traumatizing situations for comfort. Going back to the situation means more trauma, more trauma means a harder time finding peace in a safe, normal environment, which means more trauma... you get the picture.

So am I saying a fictional purple bunny is using violence in a digital realm to cope with the very real topic of trauma? Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. This is how I cope.

Depression, Finding Your Place, and the Bigger Picture

Now you may be saying, "hey! You skipped over some major scenes to talk about silly stuff! What gives?"

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I had some heavier stuff to address in this episode and wanted to compile it all in one section. So that meant skipping over a scene to bunch it in with other ones. I'll break it down.

Depression

Let me begin with the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression for years now. I've been hospitalized for it and I've had family members struggle with it around me. This heavily influenced how I viewed this episode and specifically this scene.

Gummigoo had a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing the perfect replica of him that is his model. Seeing something like that would shatter your world, and we see that happen to him immediately.

But when Gummigoo talked to Pomni and asked why anything matters, it gave me this really familiar feeling. Thoughts of being nothing, of feeling meaningless, the mere idea of being an obstacle--I've experienced all of these. I'm sure others have. Pomni was right when she said it's normal. Everyone has felt down from time to time.

But what Gummigoo is talking about really hit home with my depression. Thoughts like these, especially when they linger for long, change how you view the world. Everything is tinted blue and desaturated. You feel empty and eventually, so does the world around you. You feel like when the party is over and everyone leaves, you disappear--or you think you should, at least.

"Why are you trying to cheer me up? How does this benefit you at all?"

And it's so, so hard to accept help when feeling like this. Depression is a bitch in the way that it wants you to stay depressed. It feels like everyone around you wants you to feel better because it is a convenience for them. It almost feels transactional if you smile.

But Pomni says it so beautifully; "I guess I just don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that."

The way she says it makes me feel like she knows the feeling too, and in reality, she says she does understand in a way how Gummigoo feels. But that? That made it real for me. I don't know why. This whole scene, the entrapment and loneliness despite not actually being alone, just embodied how I've felt for years. What amazing writing.

Finding Your Place

This scene was really the cherry on top of everything I just spoke about. We see that these two understand each other, at least as much as they can. They recognize all of this, it's ridiculous. They're hurtling through space into the unknown, hoping everything works out. They may feel empty, but they're not alone. They've got each other, for better or worse. Maybe they don't know where they belong in this liminal space, but they know where they stand in each other's minds.

And then we get this ending scene. God. Fuck.

I knew that there was obviously something to that dream Pomni had in the beginning, but somehow I didn't expect this to be the conclusion to it. I guess I was too distracted by everything else. So when I got to this shot, I got all warm and teary-eyed.

Pomni finally feels like she's got a pack, a place in this digital circus. When you don't feel mentally alone anymore, there seems to be a weight that's lifted off your shoulders. It doesn't cure the sadness, but at least you know that if you need to be picked up, someone will be there. Depression wants you to be alone, but it just lost that battle. The internet has said it best: A win is a win.

The Bigger Picture

We all know where the end of the road is. How we get there is the mystery. This thought can really make a person feel small, especially when depression comes in to tell you that you in fact are small, according to the chemicals in your brain. But the power of numbers and knowing your place in the world makes facing the unknown a little easier.

I'll be honest, the words are kinda lost on me at this point. Our demise is a really hard topic to broach. I've lost a lot of people, especially some major players in my life (shoutout to the Dead Dads club), and still, I don't understand it all. But the best way I can explain it is through my own experience and how I applied it to this episode.

I had for a long time gone through life trying to prepare and prepare. I played the role of the strong, unaffected individual after being hardened by trauma in childhood. I didn't want to be outwardly emotional, because if I was I would have to admit defeat.

It made me feel weak, especially when my depression would whisper nasty things to me about my self-worth. The bigger picture at that time didn't even exist in my mind. I lived to serve and die. It was no way to live.

Only recently, with time, a couple grippy sock vacays and therapy have I started to form my own, new big picture. At the center of this is my interactions with others. Family, friends, and strangers, all of them are affected by my actions. Even during the days when I feel worthless or alone, I remind myself that even the little things I do have a spiderweb effect. I have worth, more so than serving others or being some obstacle. I can simply walk down the street and perhaps I'll be the person who some kid looks at and hopes to look like when they're older. My existence is so much more than just a give-and-take situation with everyone around me.

It felt like Pomni found her purpose in the circus, and it was more than just playing along until the end. Rather, it was to befriend the people around her who have proved in one way or another way that they care. Abstraction wasn't in vain to them. Lives mattered, and therefore so did Pomni.

In a vast, digital world where chaos looms like a grey cloud, Pomni always mattered. She just had to realize how, and it was much more than being an obstacle or a pawn. And so do we, I think.

[an-obsessed-cactus]

I think i may be asexual?!

(okay this got longer than expected and i wanted to stop talking cuz ppl won't read it if it's so long and then i realized I'm not here to please anybody and i just wanna process some stuff so. yeah. also i come to realizations farther down that contradict some stuff from the beginning but I'll just leave my whole thought process here)

fun. um. I've realized I'm not straight two years ago and then started learning more about all things LGBT related and think myself educated enough on this topic but.

I've been pondering my sexuality and gender identity again more in recent days and. today i randomly stumbled across a yt video where the author (are you an author on yt? my brain is glitching rn)(also the 'author' in question is @jaidenanimationsofficial wonderful videos love the animation and the humor) talks about being aroace. few hours pass, my stomach hurts like hell so i go to lay down and sleep a bit, wake up and have a realization.

i googled again what asexuality is and read some more on this. i did this before and i guess i didn't see myself in it? so i kinda crossed it off the list of possible identities. i guess because i do want to have sex. i think. I'm not opposed to it and i get horny lmao. but that's only with fictional characters and works? like i just think: that was very sexy of you. but in a platonic way?! sex doesn't cross my mind. (also can you get aroused by music? or a good written work? or movie? like not even the characters but the work itself?) sorry i dunno I'm confused.

anyway i got a bit off track. what i wanted to say was that i suddenly remembered a convo i had with my sister a while ago where we talked about what is the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship. and she said it's that u wanna have sex with them and i was like ... i don't really think that's it...

and like. i get crushes i think. but I've never experienced this want to have sex with a particular person at least that i could remember. like a want to have sex? i guess yeah i mean not rlly sth i think about much but it's not unprecedented(see: i get horny)

honestly I'm not even sure anymore if im not aromantic as well. cuz queerplatonic sounds more like my jam?

like i felt(feel?) like omnisexual described me well because i think I'd be attracted to who the person is at their core. what if ur straight as a girl, date a boy, and then it turns out he's trans? i dunno i feel like gender isn't this fixed thing which then kinda creates problems when labeling urself with a certain sexuality. aaaa people came irl and i lost my train of thought. um. i feel like labeling myself anything other than omnisexual would feel limiting. even if i never developed a crush on a girl for example (i did), i still feel like i could potentially. like there's nothing stopping me. why shouldn't I?

OKAY SO

that was written yesterday. it is now today and i have a whole lot of new thoughts and realizations.

I had a bit of a marathon with @jaidenanimationsofficial videos and i came across an older one she mentioned in the previous one i watched about being aroace(ik it's a mess) about how she couldn't understand why when romantic feelings are not mutual people don't just continue being friends. and i was like EXACTLY WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! and um. ahem. do u really see it as a problem? I guess if everyone does. but I'm starting to seriously consider if I'm aroace as well which woah there. this happened in a span of a day and I'm not sure it's real and it doesn't feel real? some time will have to pass for me to check out this theory cuz. ppl often say they felt like there was sth wrong with them and then they discovered these terms and were like aHA that's it! that explains everything! and I didn't... have that? and I'm not sure to what extent i identify with aroace because reasons(ill talk about some of it below). and I'm not saying that not having this realization moment or not feeling like sth is wrong with me through my life devalidates my orientation and stuff but it makes me doubt i guess?

i also came to an important discovery that aroused and horny are not the same. who would have thought?! I said above i get horny but apparently being horny means to want to have sex. and i just get the physical part aka arousal. fun. someone help pls im so confused.

okay for the last part(which prolly won't be the last part but one can hope right?)

i said i realized i wasn't straight two years ago. that was when i realized i like my best friend as more than i friend. well it wasn't exactly that simple. tbh i think Lucifer(the series i am NOT a satanist) helped a lot with that? like i knew about some lgbt stuff before because I'm alive on this planet but it kinda made me think about a lot of stuff, and between that stuff was my sexuality as well. idk. it's not like i had a crush on any of the female characters. just got me thinking for some reason. like why is having sex with people you're not romantically involved with wrong? why is prostitution wrong if u enjoy it and get money for it and it's well managed and secure? but that's beside the point.

well anyway I didn't know what i felt towards my bff(I'll say bff cuz bf also stands for boyfriend so it feels weird) but it felt like more than friendship. didn't feel like sth romantic tho. then i discovered queerplatonic relationships exist and i was like i think that's it! and then new school year came i saw her again and doubts flared up. again there was never i wanna have sex with her, but there was an occasional i wanna kiss her. and she was so important to me so it has to be romantic love right?! romance is the highest form of love one can experience afterall! nothing whatsoever can compare to it!! it feels ✨magical✨ when you find you will finally be completed!!! anyways.

it felt like romantic love was the only thing that could justify me feeling this way. i won't go deeper into this because i already have a draft where i do(i have like 16 drafts with uncompleted rambles so...) I'll try to post it but. i told her and we're still good friends! it actually made me closer to the rest of my friend group(which i was only a part of on the paper before)(i was so focused on my bff before I didn't really do group) because i felt a bit distanced from her for a while(she's a people pleaser like me and even tho i think i can read her well im paranoid and i thought she may feel weird?). anyways i got close with 3 other amazing ppl in the meantime and my friendship with my bff hasn't suffered!

but between my feelings being kinda realized and me telling her a whole year has passed and in the end i wasn't even sure what i was feeling anymore just that i didn't want her not to know. idk.

now im wondering what it was. even back then half year pre confession i was thinking if it was just because someone was finally paying attention to me. i didn't really do friends before (i kinda had them but there were no deep convos or shared secrets) and then there was suddenly this person who genuinely enjoys spending time with me! and listens to my problems! and weird obsessions! this sounds kinda sad put like this ngl lmao. but this was the first time I had that deep connection with someone. two years in my confused feelings came. geez i got off track again. point is i thought i was straight up until then and then had a crisis cuz i thought i only liked her cuz she was giving me attention cuz i was straight goddamit! ANYWAYS.

this post has lost all direction. it is a frustrated ramble of a very confused person. let us continue

i will just sum up how i feel about genders and people because I'm a chronic oversharer. oops doops.

men: find them aesthetically pleasing, all celebrity crushes are in this category (there's only one really but if i found a celebrity attractive like not objectively but to me it was a man), i would also get kinda crushes on boys my age when i spent 5 minutes with them. don't ask. i think it's dopamine mining(i suspect i have adhd). im not used to male company and i kinda don't like it that much but the the ?butterflies? are still there. tbh i don't really know what to do with men. doesn't stop me from having crushes tho. i don't have any real desire to be in a romantic relationship with men. i don't exclude the possibility but i haven't found one i would want it with. i also don't know now to interact with them. let alone flirt. actually flirt in general. it feels like it would be cringe and belongs in bad movies.

women: freaking amazing!! love them! no celebrity crushes, one irl crush which might have moved beyond crush(i suspected the L word for a while) to friends or it might have never been a crush in the first place! help! now there's another friend outside of my friend group who i may like. or i just enjoy her company? im not used to this yet. i forgot i think im aroace. this is killing me.

nonbinary/other genders: I haven't met any yet. there are some on discord servers im a part of but I don't really interact much just lurk there. i think irl experience would be different anyway.

someone please explain sth to me. you have sexual attraction okay get that(not really but that's not the point). but then there's romantic attraction. how do you separate that from friendship? just this intense feelings of wanting to be with them at all times? okay myb myb let's say u can separate them from friendship. what about queerplatonic? guys??

i am starting to dislike labels. this is confusing.

also i gotta figure this romantic thing out cuz im writing a fantasy series and there's romance involved lol.

okay so i guess i am at least asexual cuz i don't see ppl and go 'i wanna have sex with them'. i am not yet thoroughly convinced im aromantic as well but we'll see about that ig. because i still don't understand what the difference between romance and deep friendship is. aghhh

although if i can't tell the difference myb that answers the question.

also how does someone who is asexual but romantically attracted to all genders label themselves? like omnisexual ig doesn't work cuz it omnisexual.

i went to google aromantic and.

"demiromantic people have romantic attraction only after forming an emotional bond with another person."

HOW ELSE DO YOU HAVE ROMANTIC ATTRACTION??? Isn't this about who the person is?! Do you just see them and go: oh this must be such a good person. what?

like i understand sexual attraction when you see someone ig. but romantic? i really need someone to explain this to me in depth. i haven't even been asking the right questions.

"Quoiromantic people can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attractions." Welp i guess i have a new label i can stick on myself. also the name is killing me. (quoi=what in french💀)

(edit: well this thing just posted itself. I DIDN'T HIT POST WTF. but it's out there now. ig it had enough of me adding new and new thoughts. im inclined to agree)

[lineffability]

the serpent files (teaser)

[clears throat] "Let’s get your statement, then. Do go on as coherently as possible, please. It will all be… it will all be tickety-boo, I’m– I hope. The sooner we record this, the sooner we can try to, to look into it, to help you. But to help you, I really need to know what happened, Crowley. Please. I do so want to help. You’re a… friend.”

[audible inhale] “Okay. Okay, I’ll try. [laughs nervously] Tickety-boo?”

“Alright. Let’s begin again. Statement of Anthony J. Crowley, regarding strange occurrences in relation to an ouroboros necklace with a sword pendant. Original statement given May 31st, 2019. Audio-recording by Az Fell, Head Archivist of the Eden Institute, London. Statement begins:”

“Okay. So. It all started a month ago. Boss gave me this assignment – well, not directly, he sent Hastur and Ligur.”

“Full names, please.”

“You think I know their full names? This is a crime ring, not a family. I mean, I know my boss as Lucifer Morningstar, but I really don’t think that’s his real name.”

“Doubtful. Fair enough. Full names wherever possible, please.”

“So Hastur and Ligur called,  wanted to meet up. In this stupid graveyard of all places, just their style. They’re the kind of people who, dunno, lurk? Like some kinda wannabe villains. Professional lurkers. Is that a thing? Lurking contests? Dunno. Well, it’s the only thing they’re actually good at. Uh, were. Suppose. I keep forgetting. Weird, because I also can’t forget at all. Fucking haunting, actually. But back then they gave me this package, said they had a job for me. Assignment, that’s what we call it, for some weird culty reason, I guess. Then Ligur said something like ‘Ciao, Crowley, wow you look so cool, why are you always so cool and impeccably dressed? I’m so jealous of you Crowley, I wish I could–”

“That’s not what he said, is it.”

“Perceptive, angel.”

“A-angel?”

“Uhm. Az Fell. Angel, Azfell, tomato, tomato. Mumbling, bad habit. No, it’s not what he said. Was trying to, mh, lighten the mood. You look so nervous.”

“Me? I’m not nervous. [pause] Crowley, it’s normal to be troubled by all this. [shuffling noises] I understand. [long pause] Ready to go on?”

“Y- yeah. Uh. Thanks.  I’m okay, really. Not like I cared about them or anything. But what happened… talking about it, remembering, reconstructing, it’s a bit like looking where the furniture isn’t. Like, like chess pieces on a board without black and white squares."

[cheemscakecat]

Missing in Action 3

Chapter 3: New Guy

The search for Spy continues, and the team discovers something very odd.

Contains angst, but not as much as the last chapters .

Sniper talked to Scout the next morning at breakfast. He had that numbness about him. The kind where you try not to care. He could tell Jeremy was miserable, but he also knew that Spy wasn’t being malicious.

In New Zealand, Spy watched Mundy’s biological father explain how he killed off the nation with his stupidity, ask him for money, and leave him to drown at the bottom of the ocean. And then, he got gunned down by Team Classic thinking his so-called dad was coming back. Yeah, it didn’t much surprise him that Spy’d pretended to be Tom Jones. He wanted to save Scout the disappointment of knowing his least favorite teammate was his father.

He was grateful that Spy didn’t name who knew the truth. Though, if Jeremy had put two and two together, he wasn’t lashing out. He’d heard about New Zealand. Sniper could tell he was trying not to talk about Spy around him.

“We’re gonna go on another search. Me and Engineer this time.” “Hmm.” Scout chewed his cereal with a dull look in his eyes. That was a bad sign. “You got good eyes pal. But I don’t think you’re gonna find him… He’s left us to go retire, I bet.” Mundy cut into his steak, gave himself time to choose the right words. “Maybe not, mate. We helped Pauling take ovah. Some people might not like that.” Scout blinked, not getting what he was tryin to say, so he continued.

”Spy isn’t the type to leave a trail when he disappears. He’dah taken his books and things if he was gonna leave for good.” Jeremy seemed to stop and think about that, which meant he was wording it right. He’d never been real great with words. Scout set down his spoon.

“I dunno. Ya think somethin happened?” “Well, those Teufort fools locked ya both up for 6 months. We checked theah the first time we searched.” Scout frowned and sighed. “Yeah, but I went there to get my stuff, and they were playing nice. Plus the road to Harvest Base is the other way, so he shouldn’t’a seen any of those goons.” That was true. But the lead-poisoned idiots in Teufort were occasionally smart enough to catch someone off guard. Just like they’d done to catch Scout and Spy in the first place. How long’d they know Jeremy was a mercenary, playin harmless until their trap was set?

It was worth a look, even if the chances were slim.

“Yer right. But there’s other mercenaries and bosses out theah that might wanna get Pauling n us. And truth be told, we don’t know a whole lot about Spy outside work. Like if he’s got old enemies.”

Didn’t know his name. His address. His real face. Honest to God, they had no idea how to track Spy right now. They knew he was on another RED team before he was moved to Fortress, and anyone who didn’t know his relation to Scout knew now. That, and he had a lady friend wearin blue. Civilian though, not enemy team. Them being seen together was the whole reason why Spy’s bedroom and other private spaces were hidden somewhere at each base. And none’a them had been told how to get in.

Spy might have left a clue somewhere in his rooms, but as long as they didn’t have access, those clues may as well not exist.

“Mmm. I’m hopin that’s not it. Pauling’s gotta be careful out there, too. But Spy’s a coward, Sniper. He runs away from problems like me. And he might just be the type to leave good stuff layin around to rot, with all that money he’s got. I still think he deserted.” It didn’t work. Jeremy still didn’t want to think that Spy could be kidnapped or dead. And calling himself a problem was no good either.

Mundy wished he was better at talking things out. He didn’t like to talk much if he could avoid it, so times like this were hard. Hopefully, someone else’d figure out how to reason with Scout.

————————-

Engineer drove the van. Normally Sniper would want to drive, but they needed his eyes focused on the land. There were old rock formations in the desert, and a whole lotta caves. Heck, Pauling hid her stash of corpses in one of them. If Spy somehow wasn’t kidnapped or dead, he’d be out heah. And if not, they might get a good clue.

Spy had a fancy red sports car. Bright red. If they were lucky, the kidnappers mighta stashed it in a cave on the way to Harvest. But it was expensive, and they were more likely to keep it for themselves or pawn it off. Mundy hoped he knew they were lookin. He’d been colder to everyone since that teleporter incident with the bread, n sometimes it was impossible to read him.

They’d got around halfway to Harvest when he asked Dell to stop the van. He’d spotted something. The cactuses. Someone’s been cutting into them for watah. And they were the kind where you could do it without gettin sick. They pulled up, him carrying his rifle and Dell carrying a building kit. Sniper examined the cactuses. They shore looked well cut, like Spy woulda done.

He followed the pattern of least to most cut up and looked for the nearest cave. Holding up a hand, Mundy called into the cave with his best “lost American tourist” voice while Dell set up a sentry gun. If it was some varmit kidnapper from BLU or an outside group, they’d be gunned down. And if it was Spy, he’d be unharmed.

Somewheah deep inside the cave, the black silhouette of a person poked their head out. “*****! Is that a gun?!” The guy sounded… kinda like Spy. But some voices tended to run together after fighting so many BLU mercs. “Come on out, Mate. We’re lookin for somebody. A friend. Ya seen a RED spy?” The shadowy figure eventually stuck out his non-dominant hand, which wasn’t gunned into mincemeat; then hugged the wall of the cave and inched closer. After what felt like forever, he stepped out into the light.

Mundy blinked in surprise.

“Bloody Hell…”

—————-

Sniper and Engineer came back early from their trip, claimin they found something. Well, someone. But it wasn’t Spy. At least not theirs.

We found a RED whippersnapper in the caves.” Dell explained. “Nother spy, but he’s way too young to be ours.” “Yeh can come out now, mate.” Sniper was calling someone from deeper inside his van. Scout watched closely. All of the team did.

Someone -around Jeremy’s age maybe- stepped out of the van and adjusted his eyes to the light. He was the same height as Spy, but wearin very different clothes. He had a dark grey dress shirt rolled up to the elbows, with red buttons. He wore near black leather gloves with real vis-able red stitch lines. His pants were a darker red and his shoes matched his gloves. But most importantly, he wore no mask. They could actually see his face.

New Spy had long, near black hair that made Soldier mutter some crap about hippies. He had the same nose as their old spy, as far as anyone could tell. No one had ever seen him maskless. Scout couldn’t help but like this new guy. He didn’t have that ugly 5-o’clock shadow or stuck up look in his eyes. And he got the feelin he was a lot more fun. Most spies on RED and BLU stayed all covered up in the desert heat; suits, trench-coats, sweaters. Not to mention those ugly, smelly masks!

Everyone took in the new guy’s looks without commentin. Jeremy sure didn’t know what to say. The stranger awkwardly shuffled his weight from his toes to his heels like he didn’t know either. Heavy lumbered forward and they all decided to watch n follow his lead. To an outsider, Heavy was a scary brute; fat, but the muscular kind’a fat where he could clobber you in one punch. He was also the tallest on the team.

“So.” He said in his usual gruff voice. “You have found new spy?” Engineer and Sniper nodded at him. But he looked like he was still thinking it over. “Did you check him for disguise? Is not BLU sneaking in?” Sniper shuffled and pushed his hat up, so Heavy could see his face better. “The sentry gun didn’t get him, and we poked him since then. We think he’s telling the truth.” Heavy turned back towards the new guy, who was looking more shy than scared.

“Vhy vere you in desert alone? Vhere is your team?” The spy frowned. “I was getting relocated to a new team. I’d been on Team Malum, and was on my way to Team Frigidus.” The new guy was also French! But his accent was way thicker than that stuck up deadbeat. It was kinda hard to understand him, so Scout put more effort into listening. Heavy looked at Engineer.

“I recognize this Frigidus name. But who is Malum Team?” Engie shrugged and looked at the others. “Any of y’all heard’ a Team Malum?”

Everyone stayed still, shook their head, or shrugged. Jeremy didn’t know all the other RED team names in the United States, much less the rest’a the world. He didn’t know how Pauling was gonna manage them all, plus BLU. Had to be exhaustin. The new guy did not E-lab-or-ate. Hold on, was he.. biting his lip? “Hmm. How vere you to get to Frigidus Team?” Heavy asked.

Spy frowned real hard, like he was thinking. Maybe he was a liar, worried cause they didn’t know Malum. “I was riding in.. in a hell-something. I do not remember the name.” “Hell-E-cop-ter?” Scout asked. The Spy’s eyes lit up and he snap-pointed in excitement. “Yes! Zhey called it helicopter.” He paused, the excitement dulling down quick. “I was ze only mercenary being moved, so zhey wanted smaller transport.”

“So you hadn’t been’n’a helicopter b’fore? Demoman asked. “No. I have ridden airplanes though! Helicopter is noisier and shakes often…” Heavy and Demoman were lookin at each other like they were discussin it all. “How did you go from helicopter to desert land?” Spy shrugged. “Something bright hit us. Like a lightening bolt. One minute I was in my chair, and then I woke up alone in ze desert.” “And ya didn’t see any wreckage? No pieces of the helicopter?” Engineer asked. “Well, I am not certain. On one of ze… ze high parts of the desert, I could see a shine. But it was too high, so I could not see for sure.”

A bunch’a people looked at each other and had a real long con-verse- A-tion with their eyes. Scout was disappointed that he wasn’t speaking their language. Heavy leaned back and nodded once. “The Administrator is very busy now. It vill take time to look up Frigidus and send you there.” Medic jabbed Jeremy in the back, which just confused him. Then he jerked his head towards the spy, tellin him to get over there. “Our team Spy is missing. Ve do not know yet vhat vill happen, but his room is free. Scout? Take stranger to Smoking Room.”

[directdogman]

Dunno if anyone else has asked this before but on which side is Mingus related to Callum? Like is Callum on her dad's side or mum's side?

Also, does Mingus have any cousins on either side?

Good question because it highlights an important way that Mingus' sparse family structure has affected her destiny.

Anyway, yeah: Dad's side. Mingus sharing Crown's surname did imply that Crown was a paternal grandparent, though with how fanatical Mingus is about Crown, she no doubt would've changed her surname to Crown's once legally able, if she'd been raised with, say, her mother's maiden name instead of as a Crown.

And no, Mingus has no first cousins, as her dad was an only child.

There's a lil bit of irony in Mingus' situation. Her surname is Crown, y'know, as in royalty, and she speaks about herself like she's all powerful, royal, even referring to the fruits of Crown's labour as her "birthright". Well. Traditionally, in feudal hierarchies, the daughter would only become queen if there were no suitable male heirs.

Mingus' father is dead and her grandfather is senile. Even Crown's wife and Mingus' grandmother, Marla, is long gone. Mingus is the last Crown left to have her mind and life both intact, something she is keenly aware of. If Mingus, say, had a brain aneurysm or heart attack, the Crown family name (and bloodline) would die out completely once the ticking coming from within Callum's decrepit husk finally stops.

It's a big reason why Mingus is so obsessed with restoring Crown's memory and trying to revitalize DT's economy, actually. It's why Mingus has an unmerciful amount of lead extracted from the ore-rich land around town each month, in order to send it over to Ashland, WI. Mingus sells any lead that she can't get her own industrial sector to use to a Chinese construction company, which collects the ore via the revitalized Soo Line Ore Dock in Ashland, WI. (which still exists in DT's timeline.)

The company then takes the lead ore away in boats and brings them to refineries in towns connected to Lake Superior in the Midwestern US and parts of Canada. Mingus speaks fluent Chinese, fun fact I mightn't have mentioned publicly before. While Mingus may appear inactive and without agency, to her credit, she has a very intricate (and sometimes sinister) plan to restore Dialtown's economy to its former glory.

(Fun fact: There's actually hints to Mingus' lead scheme in Lorr Deere and Tango's dialogue in-game!)

Of course though, Mingus doesn't have the mind needed to bring Dialtown back to its former glory. Only Crown could do that. But, she WILL try to do the impossible, because she knows that if she can't do it, then her family's legacy, her grandfather's dream, is no more. It's a noble goal, but not entirely rational. After all, lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

[ageless-aislynn]

Ok your turn for a top 5, let’s make it fun. Top 5 Pablo Scrieber scenes and the wine you’d find most appropriate to go with said scene.

Hee, this is definitely a fun one, thanks! 😎👍 I should mention this is all going to be Halo-related because I don't have any thing other of his that I've already made into GIFs so... 🤷‍♀️😉

All right, here we go, counting down to number one!

5 - Halo 1x01 This was a great way to bring Chief in, IMO! I mean, what is more Chief-like than falling out of the sky into the middle of some enemies, right? At the time, I only knew the games vaguely but, even still, I thought the suit looked AWESOME here. And now that I do know the games... I still think it looks awesome, what can I say?

I would pair this lovely opening scene with a Classic Coke Zero because... Chief is a classic! 😎👍

4 - Halo 1x04 Oh man, this one hits me in the feels every time. I love how you see all of these emotions go through him: curiosity, longing, confusion, ending with him looking away and pulling some resolve back around himself. Because he's feeling this want to be loved, to have someone to laugh with, to care about and who'll care about him, and he doesn't know what to do with that. It doesn't fit a lifetime of Spartan training. He's not supposed to want those things, he's not even supposed to think about those things. But now he is and nothing is going to be the same ever again.

I would pair this with a cup of Maxwell House Chai Latte because it's coffee... but it's tea. But it's coffee and tea. And it's confusing but... I like it. 😂😉

3 - Halo 1x04 I love that we finally get to see a reserved playfulness between them! Plus, him reference that line that Kwan told him serves to both show that he's learning, he understands why she said that to him, but it also was a way to link Kwan back to all of this time away from her. I know it would've been difficult to keep them involved with each other after they separated but it would've done a lot to make her story feel more necessary if that link between them would've been somehow strengthened instead of just vanishing. I mean, a couple of quick calls? Something to let them talk and connect? I dunno. There wasn't really time in his plot, I know but it would've gone a long way if they could've found a way, IMO. 🤷‍♀️

I would pair this scene with a Dr Pepper Cream Soda Zero, because it's light, sweet and fizzy! 💖

2 - Halo 1x09 This entire scene, as he slowly realizes that he's going to have to cease to exist in order for Cortana to both save Silver Team and to recover the Artifact... It's just good. Not only are we seeing his trust in Cortana bloom at last but the thing that always gets me in this final moment, as he tells her that he trusts her, is the look on his face. He's not angry anymore, not railing against the events that have brought him to this point, not raging against what Halsey did to him by implanting an AI into his brain with the intention of replacing him in his own body. No, he looks almost peaceful, resolved. He's ready to accept his fate, whatever it may be. *clutches him to my fangirly heart*

I would pair this with a nice cup of Oolong tea, my favorite kind. 🍵

Honorable mention:

Halo 1x06 Now, this isn't for the obvious reasons, I promise, lol! He looks and sounds like he's dying in this scene and yet NOBODY checks on him? That bugged me so much that I wrote a one-shot fic about it. It was originally going to make use of an OC but I made a last minute decision to redo it as a Reader fic instead. And that was "15 Minutes" which became one of the most favorite things I've ever written (and spun off a series, also featuring "Recreation" a Kai x Male!Reader fic, both still on-going).

I would pair this scene with a cup of delicious Folgers Mocha Chocolate Flavored Cappuccino ☕ in gratitude for all it ended up giving me. 😉

Annnnd *drum-roll* for our winner, winner, chicken dinner!

1 - Halo 1x06 Since I had this one in video form, I had to go ahead and include it like this. MANNNN, this scene! Everybody here was acting their butts off, IMO. Halsey went from surprised to stern to absolutely terrified over the course of the scene. I really wasn't sure at the time if Cortana could have forced him to open the door or if she was playing the odds that he wouldn't let Halsey die. 🤷‍♀️👀 And John was genuinely scary here. His anger is clearly burning under an icy resolve and, again, I wasn't sure up until that last second if he was legit going to let her die. I mean, unless they were going to turn Chief into a straight-up murderer, then I knew he wouldn't, but dannnng, I can't think of much else that would be scarier than a Spartan looking at you with such hatred and contempt. 😱😱😱

I would pair this scene with the tears of Chief's enemies because they would be overflowing and plentiful. 👀😳😉

And there we have it! Thanks again! 😎👍

[smolcinnamonchipmunk]

I dunno if my ask went though, tumblr said no links are allowed in the ask. If it didn’t just lmk plz cuz im just sobbing/j

But I’ll rewrite here so if it did you can ignore this haha.

Anyways you fave anon is back, me 🌽 anon /j. So I loved what you did with my ask before and gotta say didn’t expect art but it was also amazing I ate that up. Anygays, I was recently scrolling in your page since I haven’t been here for a lil while and my eyes caught your post with Alister(?) with Abyss with the whole theatrical bit. And that obviously had me hooked since I’m also a lil hyper fixed on hazbin myself but not fully…yet.

So I decided to come back with this one simple ask:

What kind of demon is Abyss and power or abilities do they posses? Also also what are their relations with the hazbin crew, like what are their usual interactions with one another?

Now one may say that one is simply curious….which is half true. One could say that I could be getting more info to cook up something that one might enjoy.

That’s all form me, until we meet again! /ref

Ps: love your art!! I always eat it up and it is simply divine!!! Have a lovely day and always be gay /j

- 🌽 anon

Unfortunately, your original ask never went through, but I'm very glad you doubled down on it. It's one of the reasons why I try to make posts encouraging asks sometimes, in case someone either forgot or realizes that it probably might not have gone through

Now, onto the ask. Lemme just start with: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I fucking love Hazbin so much! I've loved it since the pilot, it's just one of those things I've silently enjoyed for years, I couldn't help but make an OC! Also, sorry for the rambling in advance, this is going to be long. Like, LONG long, so buckle up buddy bois. Also, also, very brief mentions of suicide, rapists, and murderers, but it’s a Hazbin post, sooooo

Of course, the initial was a more feline demon, as you can see, but then I was talking with an old RP buddy that suggested deer since I wasn't quite sure about their original design. Deer had been on my radar, but I tried the cat first. I love both, but the deer based one is definitely the one I prefer. I actually based the coloration and bioluminescence on this reply from @roseytoesy that I forgot to add in my original post of Abyss (Sorry Rosey!)

Abyss has two primary ‘abilities’. Abilities in quotations because one is passive: they have a venomous bite and venomous spines. They're laced with a venom so potent that they easily killed their first demon on accident when they were attacked and their assailant stabbed themself with a spine. Since joining Hell, they've also found out that their venom can be a very potent drug if processed/diluted a certain way, so their main source of income is selling their venom concentrate. Their spines, however, will lose both potency and bioluminescence within three days. They'll use these shed spines to hang stuff up in their room sometimes though

Their second ability is the only reason they weren't exterminated during the angels coming down, and it's the fact that they can shrink. It's mostly involuntary and just sort of a panic button to slip away. They've gotten better at controlling it so that they're not just shrinking everytime they get spooked, but it still happens occasionally. They’ll also use it to shrink slightly to help shrug off people touching them. I’m not sure whether or not to add more abilities, but there's the two for now

As for day to day interactions, I also have to think about how they'd be introduced and general personality

Of course, Abyss is another self-insert, so mostly what my other characters do, they do as well. They’ve got a rather dry sense of humor and sarcasm, though they’re not very good at reading other people’s sarcasm and will tend to take things at face value. They’re a pretty recent fall compared to the others, less than five years in Hell, so they’re more skittish and anxious than cold-hearted or confident in their abilities. They are, however, one to make fast friends given the opportunity and compatibility. They love games, but find Charlie's overly childish games a bit nauseating

They're very… skittish/antsy/defensive when first being introduced to new situations and hate leaving whatever small comfort zone they can make in Hell. So I more or less picture them sneaking around to scout out the place and the inhabitants before they decide whether or not they want to actually be a part of the whole operation. I think they'd last maybe two days before being outed by Alastor

I'm imagining since Alastor just doesn't show up in some episodes that it's not uncommon for him to be missing from the hotel occasionally during the day. But, when he comes downstairs the next day Charlie is like, “Now that everyone's here!” and Alastor just goes “I think you're missing someone”, just YOINKING them from nowhere and plopping them in front of everyone. He probably knew they were in the hotel the entire time but thought it’d be funny to give them a false sense of security before just procuring them from wherever they were hiding

Aside from the obvious surprise at the sudden deer demon, initial impressions would range from skepticism with maybe even the thought of them being a new attempt for the Vees to get information about the hotel. But, thanks to Charlie wanting to see the best in everyone and them barely knowing about the Vees (Only Vox because of the TVs everywhere), everyone would cool off mostly pretty quickly. And, here’s what I think everyone’s relationship would be with them in no particular order

Charlie, of course, would love that there was another demon interested in the hotel, even if she’s a bit appalled and stumped at what she’s working with when she finds out that they committed suicide and mostly didn’t do much wrong in their life (I'm going with the thing I grew up with where Catholic people would tell me that if someone committed suicide they'd instantly go to Hell). Most of their sins would occur after reaching Hell, such as drug use and killing (even if most times is in self-defense). Abyss would have an amicable relationship with Charlie, being suspicious of the good-nature at first. But, once they’re comfortable with Charlie, they have no problems just hanging out and shooting the shit with her. Even though they will find her optimism sometimes a bit overbearing, they’d try to be polite about it (in their own way)

Vaggie would be suspicious of them at first like with Sir Pentious, but would overall not really mind them. Probably wouldn’t like their attitude a bit because if she says “I’ve got my eye on you” or something, they’ll almost definitely reply back with “Well, you’ve only got the one”. I think they would eventually get along with each other. Maybe not super buddy-buddy, but friendly enough. Abyss definitely thinks Vaggie is a bit too suffocating with Charlie sometimes, but it’s between the two girls not them, so as long as Charlie doesn’t mind

Angel Dust is one where I’m not quite sure where their relationship would stand, either at first or over time. He’d probably make a raunchy joke or something to test the waters to see if he can piss them off to get a reaction. I can’t imagine him trying to make a pass at them because they sound more feminine, but if he did they’d probably be caught off guard and either reply bluntly in confusion or give a playful comeback thinking it was a bit. I can imagine them being drinking buddies with both of them at the bar. I feel like he’s the type to maybe find random ramblings amusing? Which is good if he’s drinking with them

Husk is another one I’m not entirely sure about. I feel like it’s a very hit or miss with him. Currently my buddies and I have said that he's the most like one of my friends, so I feel like Abyss and him would get along fairly well. Even if they don't particularly like each other the most, it'd probably be pretty amicable. Also, Abyss would definitely try to be nice because they're still new-ish and also can't imagine that being a bartender in Hell is better than in the human world. Fucker is used affectionately

Nifty would probably be a bit curious and vice versa, but I think both of them would mind their own business overall. I think she’d be a bit appalled by the disarray in Abyss’s room if she ever goes in because they’re a cluttered mess. Not dirty necessarily, but very unorganized and everything is everywhere. Both would definitely cause chaos while drunk

Sir Pentious is one where he definitely wouldn't trust them at first, but he's also a bit of a goofball. Aside from probably passing out if he tried to squeeze them because of their spines, Abyss likes his inability to take certain jokes (like in the Pilot when Angel calls him “daddy” and he confusedly goes “Son?”), and will help explain things when they can. I feel like he doesn't particularly like them until they show an interest in his gadgets or egg bois. Do they understand what he's talking about? Absolutely not, they just want to hold a gun

Now, for who you're probably waiting for, Alastor! He’s a bit more complicated. Not because he’s hit or miss with Abyss, I think he wouldn’t actually dislike them. Hell, he might even like them. More because he’s still a mystery in general and more… conflicting? I know that I already drew a picture of him taunting Abyss to make them shrink, but I can’t help but think of this page from the Hazbin Hotel comic that came out on the official site years ago

From what we see in the whole comic, he only threatens the butcher when the butcher reaches for his cleaver to potentially strike at Alastor. Even then, when the butcher backs down and starts preparing his meat, Alastor doesn’t go full sicko mode. He’s perfectly chipper and back to being pleasant. It’s only when the butcher just grabs the sheep demon that he goes ballistic and ‘kills’ him. I don’t know if by ‘fairer means’ he just means weaker people/demons or just feminine people/demons (He came from the 1930s, he probably goes off appearance and voice rather than asking people pronouns)

Now, I’m not sure how canon the prequel comic is in general since it’s been years since it’s illustration, but we also see similar instances in the show. Maybe not exactly coming to the aid of someone off beat, but Alastor never really starts shit. He’s just fully prepared to finish it. He didn’t come after Vox, Vox started dissing him and then he retaliated effectively. He wasn’t really bothered by Sir Pentious, even when he blew up a wall, until he either mentioned the Vees or presumably just kept pestering Alastor to fight, where he defeated him soundly. Even with Lucifer, I think the reason he was so pissy on sight is that he was blatantly ignored at first and then immediately presumed to be the bellhop before Lucifer proceeded to insult his work on the decor and bash on the hotel before singing about obviously needing the ‘Big Boss of Hell’s help

Anyways, back to interpersonal relations between Abyss and Alastor.

He’d probably do the classic “I’m sure you’ve heard of me from my radio show” thing, to which Abyss would reply “I haven’t, sorry”. since they weren’t around before he left for seven years. Now, the thing that I think would make this a favorable interaction for Abyss is that they apologized. Regardless of whether it was a quick sorry or a genuinely sheepish look since Alastor always seems to have a massive point of pride on his radio show, they still did it. Angel Dust kind of just got told who he was by Vaggie in the pilot, but Lucifer downright disrespected this man by calling him a has-been because he hasn’t heard of the Radio Demon, even though the same King of Hell doesn’t even have a television either

I feel like Abyss could remain in Alastor’s… well, probably not favor, but good graces is the best phrase I can think of, as long as they are generally chill and polite enough. He’s surrounded by delinquents, murderers, rapists, and so on. I think a coping semi-depressed deer who curses like a sailor but generally doesn’t cause trouble is alright in his book. I think though that, like Lilia from Twisted Wonderland, he does like taunting and spooking them to get amusing reactions from them

I do love the idea of Alastor as a pred, but as of right now I can’t think of how it would escalate to that kind of situation realistically unless they REALLY pissed him off or something. Maybe I’ll think of something after the finale tonight, lmaoooo

[forthesanityofstorytellers]

Author Ask Tag

Ooo I haven't done this one yet 😁😁 Was tagged by @anyablackwood (here) and @gummybugg (here), thanks you guys!

I mean technically you both tagged my main but this is my author profile so there, lol

ANYWAY

A quick light tagging of @moonluringfrost @adie-dee @astellarium @bloodlessheirbyjacques @winterandwords @afoolandathief

and on we go! Using Abracadabra for any WIP-related questions

1. What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

Be annoying a do crime? lol Ehhhh don't really have one. Though Rod (MC) does muse at the end:

My mother survives through me because I choose to remember her traditions. Whenever it is that I truly die, I will only live as long as my stories do. Beings, Terrans and otherwise, are easily forgotten. Stories and traditions are not. I guess that’s all any of us can truly strive for.

So...ig if there's a lesson of Abracadabra it's to make your story a good one? As in one that you like and are proud to have been a part of, one that those close to you will want to tell and close to them will want to tell, etc etc

2. What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

I'd say 'not a lot' but in all honesty I took inspiration from probably a thousand different things and each bit was a thought or idea or small detail or something similar, and so I can't point to one thing and say 'yes, this inspired the world of Abracadabra'. Plus it's set on modern-day earth, so...I feel like the snippets of inspiration would be evident to those who watch/read the same things I do, lol

3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, and help readers grow as a person?

We both have very simple aims; to be entertained, to tell a good story, and to maybe play a trick or two.

4. How many chapters is your story going to have?

Right now it's standing at 29. I was hoping to get it up to at least 30 initially, and hopefully with the re-write I'll manage to get it up there. If for no other reason that to make it a nice round number, lol

5. Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original content. I plan to self-pub once it's done, but...I dunno, I'm entertaining other options. I mean I'm still going to self-pub once it's done, but I'm waffling between doing things like putting up done chapters on Tumblr. I also entertained the idea of using Neocities to make a blog where you can read all the stuff for free, using Substack for chapter releases before publishing, posting on Royal Road...etc.

6. When and why did you start writing?

In general? I started writing when I was 12 (I think, may have been before that) and it was legitimately reading Lloyd Alexander and thinking, "can I do this? Can I write like this?" and no one told me I couldn't, so I did. And now here we are.

For Abracadabra? I think I started writing it in 2016 as a part of a trilogy where each book followed a different MC with one large overlapping plotline so you got to see what the others were doing when they ran into a different MC. And said trilogy started because I began working with my dad (one of my biggest fantasy/storytelling influences) in my first actual collab. We were about halfway through the first book when he got diagnosed with cancer. By the time I got to the third book (now Abracadabra) I was on my own and felt I needed to finish the story. Possibly why Abracadabra has the 'lesson' about our lives being stories that live in other's hands.

7. Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers on Tumblr do you follow?

My dad had a saying. "I didn't cheat, I used all my resources to the best of my ability."

While hilarious and also said to cover up the fact that he was, in fact, cheating (and I can hear him saying that to me now, because he insisted to his dying day that it's not cheating and it's a mantra I'll adopt at opportune moments) man was also a genius, observant, and hacking computer systems in high school. In the 70s. So when we accused him of cheating on computer games, what he was saying in a hilarious and quippy way was "I figured out how to reprogram the game to bring my desires of how I want this game into the parameters of how it functions because I that is a thing I know how to do."

Point being, to other writeblrs...don't be afraid to use all your resources to the best of your ability. Cheat the hell out of the system.

...

Also back up all your digital shit. Save it in at least three different places, make sure one of them is in an offline format or - even better - an offline removable format (like a portable hard drive or usb, or even written down on physical paper). My first book took two years longer than it was supposed to because the laptop I was using crashed two days after I finished the first draft and three years of work went down the drain and the only thing I had left was about three pages of a cut scene I wrote in the middle of history class. I had to rebuild it from memory.

I mean, it turned out better I think, because I had at least three years of writing experience to build off of at that point and that's also likely why it went faster, but I also had a panic attack when it happened and that wasn't fun.

Also the writeblrs I follow tend to be a) ones that followed me first and b) ones that I looked at and went 'oh yes, I can be friends with this person' (usually because I have begun reblogging a bunch of stuff because it made me laugh or think or nod along or I agree with it or thought it was interesting or). Not always in that order, tho lol more of a social follower ig.

[k--havok]

So the other day at my therapist appt I was telling her how I cannot finish anything to save my life (except, like... cooking and work-related things) and how, especially when it comes to my writing, its just incredibly frustrating.

The thing is, it really does frustrate me when it comes to writing. But it also affects everything else in my life; from doing chores and cleaning things to other hobbies. It's hard for me to get started, and even when I start, I cannot seem to finish things.

(and I say this as I type this next to a pile of folded laundry on my couch that needs to be put away. It would not take long to put it away. Maybe 10 minutes. But alas.)

Now I do not have a/d/h/d. But I have many symptoms of it and unfortunately it has been incredibly difficult for me to get help for my symptoms as doctors, therapists, and others insist I should get tested again and want to prescribe me pills I do not want to take.

But. Finally. It took over 2 years, but I have finally found a therapist and professional who sees that I am struggling and instead of putting me into a box and slapping a label on me, is getting to the root cause.

I don't usually talk about it much, but I don't have a/d/h/d because I have a T/B/I. And it affects everything.

Anyways, it's not just a motivation barrier that stops me from doing and finishing things. I'm great at stopping things when I am about 3/4s the way through or almost done with something and then just not picking it up again and not finishing it.

Sure, things I hate end up here. Like the folded laundry. But it affects my WIPs. It affects me when I try and play most video games (except online/live games). It affects TV shows, reading, painting, art, and even my weight-loss has been sabotaged by this. I have been working on getting down to a healthy weight for years now and have stopped at 10-15lbs from my goal weight. I'm not platueing. I know what I need to do. I just stopped those healthy good habits and now cannot pick them back up. It's bizarre.

I've known I'm neurodivergent for a long time but it was always something I read other people talk about and listen to. I never really used the word for myself and never had other people, from doctors to friends, also use the word for me. It's either all about pills and definite treatment options from the professionals. And from friends in the past, it was always a pissing contest about how they have it so much worse. (Who can take the most pills, go to the most dr appointments, who needs to be hospitalized, who has the most diagnoses, both real and self-dxed... etc.)

For the first time though, my therapist used it to describe what I was going through. And it felt... I dunno. Like I'm not faking things. Like my struggles actually matter. That I did not have to be put in a box and told that since I do not have X there is nothing to do about Y and Z symptoms. The first answer, for once, wasn't pills. Which was nice.

Anyways, the reason I am posting this long-winded, rambling post onto my writeblr blog and not my personal is, for the first time, I do not feel guilty for not finishing things. I got the dopamine release from working on the journey, which is my favorite part. I like working on things and being busy. If I come to a stopping point, if I finish, then the most fun part of writing for me--the actual writing--is at a stopping point. And then I have to do what I don't like to do much, which is edit.

For years, I called it writer's block. But that was never really what it was. Because I know what happens next. I know what I want to write. I just could not get my fingers to the keyboard.

I still don't have an exact word or phrase to describe why I cannot finish things. But now I know what it stems from, know why I perform this behavior, and know tricks to get around this part of myself to start being able to finish things.

I want to finish the first novella of Soft Touches, Godless Hands by the end of this year. Maybe it'll happen. maybe not. But I am tired of comparing myself to others and punishing myself for not living up to my own expectations.

I jump around to different WIPs not just because I like to have a different flavor of the week, but to keep things fresh. Interesting. To try different things. Because I love trying new things. Another important factor of my life that affects everything.

It may make my projects and blog harder to follow, that is true. But I write for myself first and foremost. My blog is a way to organize thoughts and jot down quick headcanons and flesh out my stories.

As long as I can follow along to what I am doing, that's all that matters.

[dearweirdme]

The issue about tae/nnie has taken so much space in my brain for about a month now and it's making me go through such an unhealthy obsession.

I get bothered whenever that video appears in my timeline, but I'd still deliberately look for more clues and connections. I get an irrational satisfaction whenever I see posts dragging the girl (which I think is so evil of me. I mean, I never really liked her even before this, plus, her show really made me hate her more). I never engaged in fanwars. I'm just on the sideline, reading hate posts one after another. I would intentionally look for tags and stuff related to them. It's mentally exhausting. I'm beating myself up so much over it. I'm trying to find answers in an unhealthy way. It's not good.

I understand why fans are still having a hard time accepting it considering it all started with an accidental follow, then the gurumi photos, then now this. We've been debunking this for so long, so it may take awhile to accept everything. I'm still not sure if it was them coz the narrative was full of holes and downright suspicious. We haven't seen Tae in that jacket and hat, but the pants and shoes were the same. The Celine bag was there, too, held by the manager. Jennie was seen in that outfit, too, days after that. Jennie's hair was the same. Also, that fan who asked for an autograph, although super suspicious coz how in hell was she bringing a magazine with her at that time of night. The clearer video looked definitely like Tae, so I dunno what to believe anymore. They were seen getting inside the hotel, too, so, I dunno anymore.

I've been reading posts denying the rumors, too, so it's honestly just so confusing.

Thing is, nobody really knows what's the truth, only Tae and Jennie and their companies do.

I've been reading your asks, and there were a few who are convinced that Tae is not gay. Maybe we just read him wrong, and he's just an LGBT ally. However, I disagree with the anon who said Tae can't be gay because of Wooga or Bogum coz men can be friends with gays, too. I have gay friends and straight male friends, and they get along just fine.

It's been almost a month, and we still haven't gotten our answers, and surely, there won't be any confirmation happening ever. We will just live through the confusion until one day, this will just become part of our memory as their fans.

For now, we just have to remember why we became fans in the first place. We always have to hold on to that reason why we chose BTS, what they did for us. We need to continue supporting them. We don't own them. They make us happy, we should let them find their happiness, too.

Also, I realized how fickle our minds can get. If we're not mentally strong, we can get swayed easily. We create our own truths and beliefs based on our own understanding and judgment, so we have to try surrounding ourselves with more possitive things.

We're all in this together! Happy Festa!

Hi anon!

I fear you are making yourself very unhappy at the moment. I'm glad you recognize what you're doing isn't good for you. Maybe step out for a bit?

At this point you're unlikely to find out anything new about the Paris footage. But I don't even think that's where your real problem lies. You feel too unsure about Tae and Jk probably, and you're expressing obsessive behavior because you want to make sense of things and go back to feeling safe in your believes. But the thing is, we will never know exactly what's happened, so you are likely to always have a hint of doubt in your mind. That is what you have to come to terms with, living with doubt.

Doubt can make people feel really unsafe, even when it doesn't involve themselves. Just try to tell yourself that you are safe (at least I hope you are). Whatever happens to Tae and Jk has no physical effect on your safety. You yourself are not being attacked or harmed. Try to avoid reading hate. Hate is a nasty thing, it will never make you happy. You don't have to look at stuff containing Jennie if it makes you sad. It's all about choices anon, you just have to make the right ones for yourself. You do have some control here, you have the control to filter what you see.

[hirudou]

@mirrorfates asked: do jade, azul and floyd rn

JADE/LEECH

How I feel about this character

dunno if it's obvious- but i absolutely adore jade. he's quickly become my favorite character in twst. and my favorite muse i've written in a very long time. there is something i really love about characters like him. he's complex, two faced and manipulative. but still has a charm that makes him deceptively wholesome, friendly and inviting. best of all, people assume a lot about him, and he rarely goes out of his way to correct them. if other's assumptions are wrong( and they often times are )it's not his problem. they get to deal with the consequences. and don't even get me started on the more terrifying aspects of his character. if given the opportunity i really could talk about this eel for HOURS...

All the people I ship romantically with this character

mmmm...i don't have a lot for him tbh. he's a romantic character, but he isn't really the best for a healthy relationship. that said, jade/azul is my #1 hands down, the two of them absolutely manipulate each other, but usually to the others benefit. there's also the fact that...they've known one another since grade school( the equivalent anyway ). i have a lot of thoughts and ideas on these two actually. the kind of thing that deserves it's own post. which........i've sworn to write in the past ik ik.

a few though that i've been introduced to and enjoy-- are jade/riddle, jade/idia, and jade/yuu. each have very unique dynamics, and ofc with jade being jade...well.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

rook and jade are actually...no joke, one of my favorites here. they're both really really weird, and as i've discussed before...have really opposite mentalities. and these can clash in...surprisingly positive ways. it may seem like a stretch, but rook being a hunter, i feel they could easily connect over the outdoors. they really could be besties guys-- and they'd stay besties well past NRC.

sebek and jade too-- a bit more antagonistic, but their interactions during harveston made me so happy. they'd easily bond over food, i just know it.

honestly...the list here is pretty long. jade might be suspicious, but he has a lot of people who might consider him a friend...

My unpopular opinion about this character

IDK if it's unpopular really, but i have voiced my opinion about the fandom's general interpretation of his character. and the idea he could ever be considered yan/dere makes me laugh rlly hard. like no, of any character you could pick to fall into that trope jade ought to be the last.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

let jade drown someone. i wanna see it happen.

AZUL/ASHENGROTTO

How I feel about this character

azul is, just like the twins, very precious to me. funny enough, growing up the little mermaid was my absolute favorite movie. and ursula was my favorite character. so when i saw azul i was like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then i saw the twins and i was so excited! as soon as i finished chapter three my fate was SEALED! he also has a very relatable story for me: i was bullied a lot too growing up. granted, i don't have magic to curse people with....and im not an octopus( bummer ik ). but still, his character rlly resonates with me as sb who grew up dealing with hurtful classmates. All the people I ship romantically with this character as i said in the prev one jade/azul is my favorite!!

and i doooo....like some of the others i've seen. but i haven't really looked into dynamics there. as i...don't write the muses LOL. My non-romantic OTP for this character

i mean azul and the tweels in general.......pretty obvious. like i could give you a LOT of reasons why the friendship they have is...actually very good.

others i like are jamil, malleus, vil, and of course-- yuu. My unpopular opinion about this character

he's actually one of the character i haven't really disagreed with people on. i like him as is. i have thoughts, headcanons, opinions-- but nothing unpopular... One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i want to see azul grow one his octopus legs back ...

FLOYD/LEECH

How I feel about this character i love him just as much as i love jade tbh. he's super fun, unpredictable, and very complimentary to his brother's more subdued personality. despite his capricious nature, and unsettling demeanor...floyd is very easy going. he can be lighthearted without being overly goofy. it's so hard to nail down characters like that-- but i feel like they did a good job here. All the people I ship romantically with this character

floyd/yuu is my favorite LOL, it's just cute!! that's all! silly little shrimpy, goes to see his bball games, and goes swimming w/ him. i think despite a rocky start, and with his general demeanor and behavior-- floyd can be a surprisingly good motivator for yuu to take it easy. yanno, to not sweat the small things.

another i've seen that i haven't really dove into? floyd/riddle. i can see the appeal there, but im weird ig. and don't really dive deep into ships for characters i don't write-- or plan on writing hgfjdhgjhf. My non-romantic OTP for this character

dawg, if floyd tried he could probably be friends with most people. he's just not as inclined to be fake...the way his brother is. capricious as he is, im sure maintaining long standing friendships is a challenge-- but well worth it.

i LOOOOOOOOOVE the basket ball club trio. they're seriously so silly, but it's clear they support and care about one another. i would kill for them fr. My unpopular opinion about this character

i do not think floyd is stupid. i just think he doesn't care, he wouldn't be in octa if he wasn't intelligent, or clever. is that unpopular??? i don't think so. i think most people feel the same way tbh. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

idk actually, my wishes and dreams for floyd's character have been fulfilled...i just wanted him to score a slam dunk and i got that.

GIVE ME A CHARACTER...

[that-one-enby-ranger]

Halt O'Carrick Playlist Part 4:

It's continuning on with more songs, and more Queen. Because I am very biased about that band. I am currently litsening to their new collectors edition album right now while writing this. But whatever. Moving on:

You're My Bestfriend by Queen: More Queen :) This song reminds me of Halt and Crowley. Which makes since. Even though the song was originally written for John Deacon's wife, it works better with Crowley and Halt rather than Pauline and Halt. Because I prefer Cralt of Haltine. Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had. I've been with you such a long time, you're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you. Oh, you're my best friend. Things Halt one hundred percent feels but is also one hundred percent never going to say them outloud. Not in a million years.

I'll Be There For You by The Rembrandts: Yes, the F.R.I.E.N.D.S theme tune. This also reminds me of Halt and Crowley. And Halt and Will. And Halt and literally everyone in the entire series that he is protective of. Which is pretty much everyone. This song more reminds me of the all the characters as entire friend group. Well, obviously not all the characters. Like Moragarath and the other villains. But you know what I mean. They are a chaotic friend group and they will always help each other like the chaotic friends that they are.

Friends Will Be Friends by Queen: I kind of feel like I've already done this one. But whatever. More friendship. More Queen. There will be a lot of Queen this time round. The reason for this should be fairly obvious as to why it reminds me of Halt and his should be husband, so I'm not gonna say anymore. Except this we can rule Pauline out of this one, unless you like Craltine, because this was not written for John Deacon's wife. It was just for friends in general. Random side note: Halt and Crowley are gay.

We Are The Champions by Queen: Not done with this band yet. There is just so may good and powerful songs. Sue me. I DON'T. CARE. We Are The Champions is once again another song that fits well with most of the characters, mainly as one big badass fighting group. Pretty obvious as to why. I can't be bothered to explain why. But there is a line in the chorus I would love to bring your attention to: And we'll keep on fighting till the end. Powerful shit right there.

Spread Your Wings by Queen: We're not done yet. This song might more apply to Will actually but whatever. It can still relate to Halt pretty well, with just some changes. The songs about a boy who wants to get away from where he is now to be doing something else. Kind of how Halt didn't want to be king, and didn't want to die, so he left Hibernia for Araluen adn became a ranger. The only difference is that the boy in the song is working at a bar, lives in a hotel room, and is poor and is basically a nothing. The exact opposite of what Halt was. Also the boys name is Sammy.

Bring Me To Life by Evanescence: Emo song. Emo boy. I don't really know what else to say to this. This song could kind of relate to where Halt was most likely feeling depressed, at least a little bit. Like when he had murder attempts against him from his own bloody brother, or when Pritchard died. I don't have anything else to say but emo.

Do I Wanna Know? by The Arctic Monkeys: I dunno. It just reminds me of him. I think this is a song he would maybe sort of like in a modern AU. Like I've said, I think he would actually like some modern stuff, especially since it sounds a lot better than medieval stuff and its all different varities and genres.

Centuries by Fall Out Boy: This is another one that should be pretty self explanatory. I've seen other people say that this song reminds them of RA. Again, this song can relate to most of the characters. Probably more closer to being a Will, Horace, Gilan and Cassandra song. But still relates to everyone really.

Always by Bon Jovi: Again, don't know why. Again, another song that I think Halt would like. The songs about loving and being there for someone always. For some reason whenever I hear it and I think about Halt, I don't think about him being there for Will or Crowley or Pauline, or any of those characters. I think about him and Caitlyn. Even though this is supposed to be a love song, and Caitlyn's Halt's sister which would make it weird, I don't think about it as a love song. I just think about people caring about each other very much. Platonically.

21 Guns by Green Day: And lets end it off with yet another song I don't have a real reason for, other than the feel and sound of th esong, and I think Halt would kind of like it. I guess if you really look deep into the lyrics you could probably find a better reasoning, but I'm too lazy, someone else can do it.

So thats that. Now that I'm done, I'm going to continue litsening to a Queen interview on the radio.

[lemari-be]

So, I've read the latest chapter. Stayed up 'til 4am, but it was worth it. Gotta say, the whole endgame vibe with so many art pieces you' ve made really spells closure, and I'm sad. Happy to see the fic soon in full, but sad that I won't see updates again.

Problems are a part of life, and frankly, if we didn't have any problems and had nothing to complain about, life would be pretty damn boring. I kinda see that applied in your fic. Some things will get resolved, some new crap will appear, some wounds may reopen ocasionally, but hey, that's okay. It's...realistic. Not morbid or depressing, but a well established fact, and seeing it actually applied and shown here is... cathartic. It actually shows that these characters have a life. And that had drawn me to keep reading. It's just... life. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but sometimes real things make no sense at all. So yeah, I've enjoyed it.

Also, this is a wild guess, but I have this little feeling that you're projecting a bit on Hero. Dunno why, just a hunch. Some of his thoughts...really hit home. Maybe just all students feel that way or something.

Good night, you have some rest after writing this chapter, y'hear?

You know, writing this fic has kept me company for so long that it feels kind of bittersweet for me to know the next one I'll be working on is the final one. I'll let you in on a little secret. I may or may have not hinted two oneshots (or two-three chapter length stories) that I will be writing after I finish Bask, in the latest chapter :) It won't be a sequel of course, but one will definitely be taking place after the events of Bask, and the other is a story that I couldn't really fit in the actual fic because it's mostly fun times with the boys.

As long as the fic allowed me to do so, I tried to be realistic with things, but I never really tried to force it to be that way. Some things remaining unresolved etc happened naturally in writing, but I think it's better than everything to be... perfectly okay? I feel like it'd feel a bit cheap, or maybe the actual things our characters have achieved wouldn't have as much of an impact despite being so important. So yes, what you're saying is definitely applied in my fic :) I'm really glad you've enjoyed that part in the story. While I do try not to make everything overly depressing and add lots of fluff, we have to remember that even the smallest things to someone might be a huge success for someone else.

About Hero. I wasn't expecting reading this and oh boy did what you pointed out had me a bit stunned heh. I'll say it now, it's not just a hunch, what you said. Hero is honestly the character I relate to the most for so many reasons and ironically, maybe it's the reason I had the hardest time writing his parts in the story. Of course we gotta keep in mind, that is to how I've translated him as a character in general. The way I've written him in this fic is exactly how I felt like he is as a person, I don't like to self-insert in my stories, it wasn't the reason this is why I wrote him this way. So with that out of the way, yup. What you said here is true in any case, and especially in the latest chapter (the flashback segment) got quite personal. I like to think it's not every student that feels this way though... While I do believe Hero is trying his best anyway, going to med school was more to appease his parents expectations, same with why he mostly went along with whatever they ask him to do. He's a good guy by nature, but you gotta say 'no' too, because regret is a hell of its own.

Thank you again :) And I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! I'll definitely be getting some rest – well, with exams coming up, as much as I can anyway lmao You take care of yourself too, and I'll see you on the next and final one!

[elfwreck]

M/M outnumbers F/F in most fandoms for very obvious reasons. (I dunno about "good" reasons, but they make sense even if you don't like them.)

How many male characters are there in most fandoms? How many female?

If people ship at random, every possible way, you're going to wind up with a ton more M/M fics than F/F. But they don't ship at random.

Now - how many fandoms that do have female characters, fail the Bechdel test: the characters never have a conversation, never have an on-screen interaction that's not about a man?

(How many of them only have one female character?) (How much screen time do the women get?)

"One canon Undertale ship"... how much of the time playing the game is spent interacting with that ship? How much is spent interacting with skeletons?

Dungeon Meshi's damn near got parity. Has anyone checked Wattpad or other fanfic archives to see if M/M is more prevalent there?

M/M may be more popular on AO3, you know, the site built by slash fans to hold the M/M fics that kept getting kicked off other archives. The first multifandom archive that went out of its way not to prioritize gen or het--that built its seed stock of fanfic by reaching out to slash fans who were upset with Livejournal, with ff.net, with Fanlib and other commercially exploitative archives. M/M has always been more prevalent on AO3; there used to be lots of people who post their M/M on AO3 and post their other fic elsewhere. (Probably less of that now, but it takes a long time for the numbers to shift.)

Want more F/F-centric fandoms? Convince showrunners to flip the normal character demographics. When they do, you get F/F fanfic, and usually it outnumbers M/M. No idea what's going on with Project Sekai.

Steven Universe:

Xena: Warrior Princess

She-Ra: Princesses of Power

Rizzoli & Isles

Shows that only have women as protagonists, get femslash. Shows that have an ensemble cast of diverse women with maybe one or two guys on the side, get femslash.

Shows that have 80% or more men as the characters that get screen time get a lot less femslash.

Sailor Moon, which has a canonical M/F pairing as its centerpiece:

The F/F outnumbers the M/M by more than 4 to 1.

There's a good discussion to be had, about which fandoms inspire which kinds of pairings in fanfic, and how that relates to societal norms of various sorts, and what can be done to create more diverse fandoms that will inspire more or different types of fanfic.

But so many of these arguments come across as "it's sexist of you to write and read the stuff you like; you should like different things, be inspired to write different things" with an unspoken hint of "…in the fandoms I care about."

Is this where I get to throw in a book rec? Sure, I guess. (Disclaimer: I worked on production for this. I had no connection to the contents.)

This is not directly related to "why is there not more F/F fanfic?" But it does go into the history of canonical F/F stories and how those connect to fandom communities.

Hey guys remind me how many properties there are on ao3 where m/m outnumbers f/f for no good reason

[enniewritesathing]

replies

under the cut bc it's long, all from @pink-chevalier

“Went from DSL to 5G internet (which me being in the sticks, being surrounded by 3 towers = all the speed).” Dude, I didn’t know you had internet like that! I gotta connect the damn internet cable whatever that bitch is called just to play siege. (Give me a second I’m copying and pasting my notes)

yuppp. It's the main reason why there's a bunch of gifs now. would NOT have been able to do anything with the internet i used to have. I'm still running speed tests just to see the meter be on the right side, lol

I've been on the struggle bus for SO long 😭😭😭

“Hey. Charles? He may be unhinged. Just a little bit.” Only a tiny bit? Him and Daniel remind me of the scientists that tend to go too far or lose whatever was left of their morality to play God. It’s crazy how easy they can develop some sort of God complex when dealing with things they don’t understand or believe that whatever they are experimenting on is not the same as them. Sometimes I think those kinds of scientists are one step away from diving into the pool of of becoming serial killers.

it makes you wonder and maybe this raises a huge question for all of them -- just how the fuck did they get here in the first place? And you figure, they're getting away with a lot of shit because they're in such a trusted position in trying to help John. (and I truly say in the loosest sense possible.) When -- definitely not a matter of if -- it goes down, their excuse can be like "oh, unfortunately circumstances blah blah blah" when it was really "whoops we tortured him a bit too much our bad.

Charles definitely has a God complex and... well. I shan't say. Daniel is more relunctant but he still does it anyway. Dunno if that's a sunk cost fallacy with him or if he's just spineless.

“That said… you think The Werewolf might be holding back on that? Do you think it’s actually messier than that?” Something tells me that it has to be a lot messier. Because even though it is a lot of blood and yeah it looks like shit hit the fan, you can’t tell me that it was so neat. Even real life murders can become ten times more messier with blood in the ceiling. (Really reminding me of Patrick Bateman from American psycho when he got his raincoat on)

it does look way too clean 🤔but part of that is not me having enough blood splatter CC at the time. There's a little more (and also I may just do some editing). I know it's niche but anyone who does horror cc in any way, please make some more blood related things please and thank.

But I have good authority that The Werewolf's holding back.

I don’t know I feel like there was more but the werewolf is trying not to traumatize John or the audience which I can respect.

I like to think that The Werewolf said that basing off of the knife memory and John's reaction to it -- which was very understandable as it was very explicit (the other half of it that wasn't shown to us/the audience). Even then, he still gives plenty of chances for John (and to some extension us/the audience) to bail out. He's mindful, I'll give him that.

The file name I gave John during the conversation was "go king, give us nothing.blend”. Not us having the same damn braincell.

I try to name my files something silly every once in a while :)

It’s good to see that the werewolf was able to make a door in the first place! It shows a lot of how far he’s come and that he can do that at least. The handle can come much later when he’s ready to open it or close it since he should be taking baby steps. There is no need to rush all of this and the werewolf should focus on what it means to him making that handle happen. Like is he ready to open it to relive what happen, to truly expose himself or does he want to leave it close and ignore that part of himself. Both of them are okay to do because as humans we need time to open or close a door, no matter how fast we want to do that there’s no point in stumbling out or in something.

Yes! He's able to make doors but his main issue is keeping it there or if it is there, the knob's not working. That door in the memory was summoned out of survival and he thought of the most simplest type (which means that he's seen it at least once. 🤔). The knob was more or less that John still had overall control of it which is why he opened it.

There's a few more things that are door-involved though... but you're right. There's a reason why you can open/close them. 👀

(oh shit, I just thought of something that happens in a previous story omggg)

“First the hospital bed surrounded by flowers, and now the exam table (?)… what’s with that?” Simpler times? A way to make the whole thing look rather peaceful then the living hell the werewolf and John went through. It could mean a lot of things from daydreaming of being in a better place with his lover, and having his hair played with by said lover. There is a lot of meaning behind the flowers and the exam table. Exam table could mean a lot of things such as…. self-criticism, a need for healing, feeling so exposed but against your will.

🤔...

And what’s up with John…? Does he remember more than he lets on? Or is he hiding under the guise of medicinal amnesia? It’s like he could be in denial or something. I feel like John remembers bits and pieces. The reason why I believe this is because some people that tend to go through intense trauma will forget some things or believe other things happen, which isn’t a bad thing it’s your brains way of trying to protect you from what happened…..

Oh, don't I know the feeling on that part... (🙃) And of course the parts he does remember, John probably downplayed it. It wasn't that bad; I survived years of this shit, I'm fine!"

(Narrator: "It's much worse than he thought.")

There may be another angle to this that I'm not quite ready to drop yet but I guess I can wonder out loud -- what if The Werewolf was protecting John this whole time and he's starting to crack because of it? Why now? Much to think about.

This might be random or sort of funny, but when the Silent Hill PT demo came out a long time ago, I watched it and I talked about it with my friend but I completely forgot about the talking fetus baby in it. My brain completely blocked that part out for no reason at all, I guess I was scare and didn’t know at the time. But it can happen to John, I think he wants and is trying to remember, but his head is blocking him out to protect him from what happened.

man... PT would've been the scariest game of all time, hands down. I'm a huge weenie when it comes to horror games in general... the fact that bitch was behind you THE WHOLE TIME? I think the fuck not. but NOOOOO, Konami did the fumble of the fucking millenium.

Anyway... there is another element of John's memory lapse that obviously involves The Werewolf and perhaps, it's Vin's way of confronting John's part in all of this too. But that's not for a minute.