#why dont people make suicide pacts if so much of us feel this way?

[potentiallyangstyrandomthoughts]

I always knew it was never going to be worth it.

[mihai-florescu]

i envy people you talk to regularly youre such an interesting person, i think somewhere theres a life where everyone can fit themselves into and i know you said you prefer being a spectator but ?im not sure how to word it? i think theres something so special about finding the place where you feel like you were meant to be and i think that parts of the world (schooling especially) loves ripping that part of humanity out.. i think that there are people who prefer writing stories and ppl who only prefer reading them but maybe in my mind “spectators” also deserve to find other spectators who also dont fit in in where they r as well but

who knows!! im not trying to sway your opinion or anything its just a very interesting convo that i thought of myself before but in the opposite way you do, where ive thought of myself completely removed from the world but doing everything i can to give myself hope that theres somewhere i can stay if this is the only option i have, id love to listen to your thesis even if its different from what i started talking about i find this whole topic interesting ^_^ sorry if i made this too serious or something ahshdha you can feel free to not answer it i havent had an interesting convo like this in soo long lol

-youtalklikeeichianon

Sorry i didnt reply earlier, im constantly scared. Mostly about this project, then life in general. Ive spent so much time trying to get in mine and other people's heads that i cannot conceptualize the project taking any visual form beyond "having the audience imagine things themselves" but that is so not gonna get me to graduate visual art school... id welcome school ripping out my humanity if it meant id finally be at peace and not struggle, i think thats preferable even. But instead it keeps me going outside my head and trying to be a person when I belong in the wires of a computer or in the clouds instead...

Well ultimately i think school is good for me, it's giving me some sort of structure and identity. Im sure the reason im scared to graduate is 1. Yes i dont think i can make anything visual to express or reflect my research or topic in a meaningful, worthwile way, im not smart enough for that, and 2. What will i be after i shed this status of student? There is nothing i want to be.

I appreciate the hope for a spectator kinship but i worry this part of myself *is* the depression talking and if i find someone else in my state id just go for a suicide pact. If anything i need people whobwant to live and tell stories that i can observe and help make sure they come to life. Like i cant work on my own project without spiraling into "it's worthless" territory but i can help others with theirs becsuse *they* believe and have hopes, and im just passing the time trying to figure out why people seek escapism and why stories impact us, and arriving at esoteric answers that could very well be me projecting on the rest of humanity, except i have some cool papers ive read that i can cite inbetween my own statements about the world.

[daylighteclipsed]

tbh (and PLS dont take this as me telling u not to ship it, i dont mean it that way AT ALL), ur last post is why i stopped shipping sns back in the day. specifically the part in shippu when naru told sasu that he would "break every bone in sasu's body to drag him back to konoha" like, sasuke's lit here knowing konoha massacred his entire family, his entire clan, is seriously fucked up on a fascist level tbh, is fighting against that & tryin to make change, & is like

saying "i cant go back to that" & naru is out here saying "idgaf, i want u in this police state regardless, i will lit break ur bones & chain u up to make it happen" like, at that point it feels like he doesnt actually care abt sasuke AT ALL, he cares abt what HE wants, fuck sasuke's feelings or needs. i love & support sasuke so much i cant stand for him to be treated like that. fuck team 7 tbh theyre the worst (except sasuke hes an angel & were glad hes here)

again tho im NOT telling u not to ship it, pls dont think i am!!! just sharing some Thots since u brought up how sasuke was the only one to criticize konoha in shippuden but ultimately was made to bow down & serve konoha & i just. man. its still so upsetting. not to mention how sakura basically raped him to make sarada (tho thats not saradas fault & i do feel bad for her... just goes to show if ur an uchiha ur life sucks i guess :/)

Phew there is a lot going on in this message. Okay, I don't know anything about Sarada and how she was conceived, so I'm not going to touch that. I like Team 7. Yeah, they're a mess, but I like them. I haven't finished the series yet, but I have been spoiled a lot. As far as I know, Naruto's "break every bone in your body" comment is during the first VotE fight when he's 12. If he says that again during the war arc or something --long suffering sigh-- And I don't think Sasuke's an angel lol If I’ve given that impression, it’s probably because people criticize Sasuke more than Naruto. I think all of the characters are flawed. Neither Sasuke nor Naruto have perfect ideologies or completely noble motivations, and that makes them interesting to me.

I went through like 5 long drafts trying to explain why, aside from bad writing, Naruto might keep asking Sasuke to come back to Konoha even after finding out about the massacre only to come to a conclusion that is so obvious in retrospect. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s not the only reason, and I’ll talk about possible others ones too, but this feels pretty right.

When Naruto talks about bringing Sasuke back to the village, it’s not about Konoha. It’s not about the place. It’s a less intimate way of saying, “Come back to me.” I know there’s good in you. I know you don’t want to be alone. I know you’re suffering. Let me help you. Come back to me.

Because I think, I really do think, that if Sasuke accepted Naruto’s support/stopped making self-destructive choices but still expressed dislike/discomfort towards the village, Naruto would understand that. He wouldn’t force Sasuke to stay there. He wouldn't let anyone else force Sasuke to stay there. And if Sasuke still wanted to destroy the village, well, that’s where the murder suicide pact would come in, I guess.

On the other hand, maybe it is about the place. Maybe Naruto thinks that Sasuke can heal if he comes “home” and accepts support from all his “friends” because that’s what worked for Naruto. That’s how Naruto was cured of all his issues, right? 😐

Naruto approaches everything on a personal level, and on a personal level, his philosophy of compassion and forgiveness works, but not against the larger, political picture. Not against fascism. You can’t forgive a fascist system the way you would forgive a friend. You can’t give it another chance. Using violence against fascism isn’t fighting hate with hate. It’s fighting for your freedom, for your life and the lives of others. We’re talking about a state that decided Sasuke’s people do not have the right to live. How can Sasuke possibly call that “home”? How can he call people who support that “friends” or “family”?

If it’s about the place, then it’s absolutely bonkers to me that Naruto doesn’t see that. He has to. He’s either extremely, stupidly naive or insane or... It’s bad writing. But let’s pretend for another second that it’s not. The only in-universe explanation I can come up with is: Naruto admitting that Konoha is bad for Sasuke would mean Naruto admitting that Konoha is bad for him too, and he won’t. He won’t address his trauma. Otherwise, his actions really contradict his supposedly empathetic nature. After Kage Summit, there’s no reason he wouldn’t realize that Sasuke would be miserable in Konoha. There’s no reason he wouldn’t admit that Sasuke is right and do something about it instead of insisting that Sasuke come back. It doesn’t make sense.

All that is to say, I understand why Naruto’s behavior would upset you because it bothers me too. Most likely, it’s bad writing on Kishi’s part, refusing to let Naruto grow and change and admit that he’s wrong. He’s right about compassion and forgiveness on a personal level, but the system is not redeemable. Working within it to solve problems is useless because the system is the reason those problems exist in the first place. But in general I like this series more for its potential than what it actually is anyway. It’s so absurd to me that Naruto and Sasuke don’t work together to change anything in the end, that Sasuke just ends up serving Konoha and not getting any justice, that like I can’t even treat it as canon.

[bugthegremlin]

this may be goodbye; so. here is what i have to say.

where do i start? this is tough. i have so much i still need to do, i never even finished that song i was working on! oh well i guess. but to get on with it; my life is in shambles. i hate the world. i hate my family. i hate myself. i hate everything. nothing makes my happy anymore. yesterday i got 49 messages in my dm's with kind words and sweet nothing, and most were just simple things. but a few days ago they would have made me burst out into tears, thank them all, and never even think of death again. but now they just feel like.....nothing? they feel like empty promises you made with an old friend. they feel like watching someone you love turn into a complete monster. they feel like finishing a good movie, being happy about how good it was, but sad that it's over. they feel like making a suicide pact with someone you love, but they ditch on you last second. i felt nothing reading the things sent to me. nothing. just emptiness.

my life could not be worse. to me at least. i mean, at least i have some great friends, lets use undercover names for them, Ro , Mark , Issy. wrong. a few months ago my friend Mark came out as trans (FTM) and we were all very supportive and loved (still love) his to death! then out of nowhere, about 2 months ago, Ro became very transphobic for no reason, saying thing to Mark like, "at least im not a wanna be boy." and then leaks Mark, and another friend of ours, we can call her Cassidy, address. but lets back track a few months shall we? this bitchy, blond, bimbo (Issy) came in to our friendship for no reason and wrecked it. i would goo to hang out with Mark and he wanted to hang with Issy. i went to hang out with Ro but he wanted to hang with Issy. they replaced me. i had been replaced. now, we kicked Ro from the friendship, and it was just me, Mark, and Issy. but still barely me.

my parents are the worst, i told my mom everything. all my insecure-ness, my self harm, my thoughts of suicide. she sat me down, cried her little crocodile tears, and said something along the lines of, 'if you ever thought of suicide, you would be in a psych ward somewhere!' and i laughed it off, but i am terrified of psych wards. i told her i was insecure about my face, and she brushed it off with a, "you're beautiful!" then i told her about my stomach, she said "there ain't nothing there!" feeding my insecurities about my possible anorexia. then she told me 'even though you're insecure, you're not aloud to wear baggy shirts when you want to.' and she wonders why i hate her? both of my parents say 'the n-word'. they are both white.

there is this one boy at school, who is invalidating my gender, sexualizing me, calling me horrible things, and saying just gross things. he tells me to suck his dick. he says that he has fantasized about me in the shower. he got a boner over me. he calls me a whore, a slut, a dumb bitch. and it is just exhausting trying to keep him in line. and i was gone from school for 2 days. 2 days! and he started talking with other students behind my back about how i am not really enby and this is just a fad, and it will go away. and he is guilty and he knows it. and he may be guilty, but he is not sorry. just upset because he was caught.

i have been molested i would say anywhere from 15-20 times in my life. i would not like to talk about by who, because it makes me have mental breakdowns regularly.

so, IF this is goodbye. i want you to move on. i want you to have a better life with out me. be happier. get good grades. get a new girlfriend Angel! get some better friends. ones who care about you. like i do. i love you all so much and it hurts me that i might do this, but it is not official. there is still a chance.

~ c

I wish I could do anything more to bring solice or comfort. I wish I could help. You're amazing. You're so valid and so kind. It hurts to hear that you have to go through so much bullshit, you don't deserve it. You deserve people in your life who care for you. I know I can't say anything to make you feel any better but I want to tell you this. You'll be missed. You'll be remembered. Though I really hope you stay, if you dont, I hope you find a way to somewhere where you get to be happier than you were here. You deserve that.

You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. I wish I could bring you some kind of comfort, I wish we'd gotten closer. If you wanna just talk, about anything, regular things, I'll always be happy.

And if this does end up goodbye, I love you. Goodbye. I'll miss you <3

I wish it wasnt like this.

[maxchou]

Mordrehearne or Trahemoth?

i should REALLY make a gw2 blog so i dont flood my main with this stuff!!

anyway, i wrote a little bit of garbage for my corrupted Trahearne art i posted not too long ago, featuring the after-math of the Commander rescuing Trahearne from the blighted pod instead of killing him. this is basically what might happen to Trahearne eventually once Mordremoth’s voice becomes too much for him to handle!! big inspiration from @commander-titania unwilling retirement AU!!

warning for implied death and suicidal shit!!

It felt like a rock was sitting in his throat. Trahearne could feel it coming, the will of the Elder Dragon everyone thought was dead. Since that time in the Heart of Maguuma, Trahearne felt it itching at the back of his head, the Dragon Mordremoth whispering to him, talking to him with words so quiet yet so loud. Trahearne couldn’t stand to be alone or amongst too much silence for too long without splitting headaches from the Dragon’s endless chatter.

Trahearne knew it was coming. He knew he didn’t have long. He knew he had to get far away from everything he loved, as far as he could go. He couldn’t bear to end up hurting them once Mordremoth’s seed sprouted.

With the excuse of a vacation, Trahearne began traveling out west. The Pact let him go without much trouble. The Commander knew how over-worked Trahearne all of the time was and asked to go along with him. Since that time in the Heart of Maguuma, the Firstborn had moved weaker, felt weaker. Everything was weaker about him and such weakness only grew worse. Of course, Trahearne turned the Commander down and insisted he go alone for unspoken reasons.

Trahearne traveled through Tyria, through his beloved homeland. It anguished him to know he wouldn’t remember it the same way much longer. 

Soon, the Firstborn had come to the Maguuma Jungle, where it all started. Mordremoth’s call was worse than ever here, and yet still Trahearne persisted traveling. He wanted to go further than this, further past Maguuma and its depths.

After what must have been weeks of traveling and walking and feeling as though he could no longer bear the pains of the Elder Dragon swelling inside of his head, Trahearne collapsed upon the track he walked. The slaughtering heat made everything move in slow motion. That poor, foolish necromancer grasped at the grass. He could sense the will of the Dragon coming over him, feel it’s gnashing teeth and powerful lunges. Had the Commander killed him that time in the Heart of Maguuma, none of this would have happened.

Trahearne shook his head. Now was not the time to be spiting the Commander’s name for not respecting his wish. They had saved him, after all, despite the circumstances. With a groan, the Firstborn tossed himself onto his backside. Sliding a dagger out from his satchel, Trahearne gazed at the blade, hand tightly fitted around the hilt. 

Now would be the perfect time to end it all. At the Dragon Mordremoth’s strongest, Trahearne could pierce his heart and stop his blood cold. The Dragon would finally die with him. Tears pricked at the corner of Trahearne’s eyes as he angled the dagger towards himself. He was hesitating, and he knew why. Mordremoth knew what he was trying to do and was trying to will the Sylvari to stop, to give in, to get up and let the Elder Dragon take control of what was rightfully his.

“Come, Firstborn. You were made to serve me, and I will claim you.”

Mordremoth’s voice stung like poison in Trahearne’s head. It was now or never. “You will not take my people, Mordremoth. I will end this now, for their sake.” Trahearne was struggling against the Dragon’s will, pulling with all his might on the dagger, fighting back at the Dragon even now. Trahearne’s will was almost as strong as Mordremoth’s, but it was dwindling along with whatever strength the Dragon had not fed off him.

With a heaving breath, Trahearne’s arm snapped towards him, and he felt the cool metal of the knife sink into his flesh. His vision lit up with the pain and he hissed deeply. His purple blood rushed forward and seeped around his fingers, coating his hand in the essence of his body.

“You… will not take my… people…”

The Firstborn’s heart stopped. At that very same time, Mordremoth, the Elder Dragon of the Jungle, died with him.

Or did he? -- Trahearne’s sight filled with light suddenly and he awoke with a gasp. Laying on his backside, he could see that he was still on the jungle floor, staring up at the overhanging canopy and brambles.

“I’m alive?”

With a glance around him, Trahearne could see his dagger, several feet away from him. No wound in his chest. His intention to merge with the sharp end of death had failed.

Trahearne could still feel the budding presence of Mordremoth in his skull, and how vividly it throbbed and pulsed. There was no pain, however. With such a heavyweight in his mind, it was a miracle he felt no wear.

Standing to his feet, Trahearne dusted off his dark palm cloak and brushed his fingers over the scarred half of his face. As bark-like as ever. Still, no pain.

“Do you like it? The lack of pain?”

The heavy voice of Mordremoth rang through Trahearne’s head, making the Firstborn gasp. He quickly connected the dots and began to panic.

“No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be. By the Pale Tree, this can’t be!”

Mordremoth had successfully made Trahearne hallucinate his death, and in doing so was given the chance to integrate further into the Sylvari’s system. They were merged now. Their minds and conscience were one.

Trahearne lunged for the dagger and pointed the blade towards his chest, like before. His arms felt incredibly weak at that instant and he dropped the weapon.

“We are one. We have shared control over your body. I feel your thoughts and your mind, your memories and your sensations. I can feel your connection to Caladbolg, to the Pale Tree, to all of your kind.”

Mordremoth’s voice spoke in Trahearne’s head like it was his own- because it was his own. They truly were one entity now. Through the swaths of his panic, Trahearne could feel them smiling ease of Mordremoth as the Dragon leafed through his mind like an open book.

“Now then, shall we go about spreading my love?” Mordremoth chuckled, controlling Trahearne’s body to pick up their dagger and stuff it away in their satchel.

Trahearne had no choice, as much as he tried to fight it, to allow Mordremoth to maneuver their body. He could feel his mind being swallowed up by Mordremoth’s overwhelming strength.

“Mordrehearne. Trahemoth. Which do you like better?” Mordremoth began walking their vessel back down the path they had come up. 

“I’m sure the Pact will be happy to see us again.”

[stevefromitreviewsgameofthrones]

The Long Night / S8E3

Ok took a bit but here it comes… kinda clinical recap as it is a fight recap mostly…

The dead has arrived and our forces are standing at the ready

In Comes Mellisandre not the most popular gal but she lights all the Dothraki swords on fire before they charge into battle… the fire did not seem to help them but when it went out we knew they all died

Death Toll: All Dothraki

Kinda expected that no matter how good they are they rode into a no-win situation.

Now it is the undead armies turn they swarm over the Unsullied. All forces join in and it is a massacre when they realize they are losing they retreat to the keep and the unsullied stand and fight. At this point Jon and Dani join the battle and burn as much as they can. Until a sudden snow/cloud forms blinding them from everything including each other ..few mid-air collisions. The dragons were to light the pit but well blind as I said after some futile efforts Melisandre is brought out by Greyworm and company to light the pits. Greyworm also drops the bridge keeping the undead on the other side and trapping many unsullied. Once lit we retreat to the keep.

**undead do not care about dying so make a great body bridge don’t ya think?**

Death Toll: Most of the unsullied Ed Many wildlings Many Northmen I’d say Wights but they just get back up

The battle proceeds in the castle attacks on the walls and the door. Sansa is sent to the crypts with a dragon glass dagger and Arya joins the fight.

Soon a Giant breaks in and is fighting the Mormont clan at the door. ..

Arya gets swarmed and flees Lyanna Mormont gets her body crushed in the hand of a giant the **sound was sickening** but not before she kills him with a stab to the eye

Beric and The Hound Pursue

Death Toll: Lyanna Mormont House Mormont More Northmen and Unsullied More wildlings

OK thus far this is really not going well… moving on

Arya, stealthy girl she is, flows around avoiding all undead and slips out a door only to be attacked and trapped. In comes Beric and the Hound to save the day, they pull her away and the Hound leads her out while Beric tries to buy them time. They finally make it to a room with Melisandre. Beric dies…. He has fulfilled his mission for the Lord of Light Arya has more eyes to close … specifically Blue ones.

What do we say to the God of Death? Not Today.. unless you are Beric in which today might suffice..

Death toll: Beric

We then find Jon on a Dragon battling the Night King who falls from his Dragon Jon crashes to the ground and Dani flies in to burn the Night King.. who does not burn. Would have been good to know that upfront. He tries to attack Dani and misses. The Night King raises all dead.. god damn we were almost there. Dani swoops in and cooks the undead attacking Jon who then chases the Night King… Dani makes her mistake she is on a dragon she should be in the air instead she sits on a battlefield, the dragon gets attacked and flies to try to shake the undead off.. in the process he shakes off Dani. Jorah comes out to protect her and acting as her shield dies for her.

**special note here**8 anybody else notice when the dead were raised all had blue eyes except Delores Ed who’s eyes were white?

So we find Theon and the Iron born in battle in the godswood protecting Bran all Iron Born die except Theon..

Back to Jon running through Winterfell in pursuit of the Night King to end this fighting his way through ignoring friends who may or may not need help. Heading to protect Bran and kill the King.

Meanwhile down in the crypts… uhhm who exactly thought putting people who can’t fight in a crypt while fighting a guy who can raise dead needs their head examined… anyway must have been fun for Sansa being attacked by long gone relatives.. so battle ensues in there and it appears like Tyrion and Sansa either made a suicide patch or just a ok lets go run out and die brave pact so off they go. Anyone else think they will re-marry?

Where the hell is Arya??? Oh NM we’ll come back to her…

Back to Jon still making his way but runs into Vyserion ok man vs undead dragon.. not an easy fight I think Jon will be a bit late… hopefully Theon can hold out..

Back to the Godswood the Night King and his entourage has arrived but Theon is a good man… so instead of running as is his usual tactic he fights and dies immediately and the Night King heads slowly to Bran guess he wanted to Savor this moment..

Suddenly Here’s Arya diving down on him out of nowhere which is a great tactic for no one he catches her and in an extreme badass Arya move our favorite assassin appears to drop her knife but only to swap hands and stabs him in the chest with Valyrian steel… all undead cease to be including Vyserion.. the north survived… somewhat..

Special note the knife that started this all ended it

Mad props to Arya my favorite little Assassin.. shame though she could not score a face from the Night King

Upon the morning Melisandre walks out to the battlefield to die.

Death ToLL confirmed: Beric Ed Dothraki – all 10,000 Unsullied – most 8,000 Wildlings most All house Mormont Many Northmen Lyanna Mormont Jorah Mormont Theon The Iron Born Night King All White Walkers All Wights Vyserion

Pre answers to questions

Yes Jon is Aegon Targyrian 6th of his name blah blah and has had his staredowns with the Night King. But every time they faced off the Night King ended up on top and Jon ended up making it out alive. Why think it would be different. Plus every standoff the Night King just raises an army and shows Jon he can never win. As much as people feel Jon should be the one..

What was all Arya’s training for? Just so she can slit Little Finger’s throat? Nah she had a purpose and as Mel pointed out her own prophesy and she was the one the Night King would not see coming. So her purpose in all this has been realized there is no real shocker here. I was pleased not disappointed.

All the Wights and White Walkers died because he controlled them all so once he died they died simple.

Whereabouts of Gendry and Sam So last we saw Gendry was on the wall and then not again. Somebody was pulled over the wall to their death I rewatched and the person’s hair was too bushy to be Gendry so his whereabouts are unknown but all things I check on the internet has him among the Living. Last we saw Sam he was on the ground fighting and looking to be losing when Jon ran by. We do not know the outcome and when all survivors were seen after the dead were gone he was nowhere to be seen. Still no confirmation of death so likely still alive. Neither were shown in the preview for next week either… in all fairness we never actually saw ghost dead but he never returned either I have less hope for him Direwolves do not live long in the Stark family.

I myself am wondering about next week.. from what I saw Cercei is now mobilizing, and while Dani seemed loaded with confidence they lost almost all their armies so… does not look good unless dani just takes the armies out with the dragons but lets face it who will respect her as queen if she does..damn it I keep forgetting I don’t think there are any families left north or South.

And now my watch has ended

*******************

A note on Arya killing the Night King

For starters way back in Season 1 Arya was taught the only god is death and what do we say to Death? Not today

Melisandre saw her and told her she had darkness in her and she sees eyes looking back at her, brown eyes, green eyes and BLUE eyes and they would meet again

Bran who sees all past present and future gave the Valyrian steel dagger to Arya for a reason.

Arya displayed her slight of hand Knife moves sparring with Brienne

And remember the ones who need protecting are the ones who get in her way..

Then something I noted on re-watch

The Hound hiding Beric trying to get him to help the Hound this is death you can not fight death. Beric: tell her that and looks to Arya. Beric had been brought back by the Lord of Light for one reason – Arya. He might have known both his and her future

The Dagger Arya used was pictured in a book in the Citadel which would indicate it is a legendary weapon 

All Northmen who did not back Jon that also were not between Winterfell and the wall would join them after that battle.

***Follow up questions and Steve’s answer in italics***

1. When that undead first busted through the wall into the crypt, was that someone who had been buried in there, or was it a wight who found a way in? Can the Night King only raise those who have been killed by him/his kind?

It is corpses from the crypt if it is dead he could raise it

2. I saw Gilly get attacked in the crypt, did she make it? My original thinking was no, she didn't. 

I dont think it was Gilly a lot of people were in there, however I saw Gilly in the crypt after the battle was over.

3. I know you want Tyrion to kill Cercei, but the prophecy of green eyes...does that mean Arya will kill Cercei? Maybe wearing Jamie's face, or do we thinking Jamie lives? 

Actually have been telling Susan it will be Arya wearing Jamie face. Tyrion is the most popular theory though. Jamie is still alive and redeemed himself a bit doubt she will kill him for his face.

4. Any theories about where Dani/Jon are going to find an army to fight Cercei? Maybe some Dornish people who hate the Lannisters? 

Nick and I were discussing this last night. If both Sam and Gendry lived...Gendry can be legitimized making him lord of Storms End giving him the ability to summon the bannerman and the Baratheon Army. Also Storms End is a great place for them to relocate to for the war. The outer walls are 40 feet thick facing Kings Road and the sides facing water are 80 feet thick and face Aptly named Ship Breakers Bay. So protection from sea and land attack and close to Kings Landing. Sam is now Head of the Tarly family so can summon the remaining armies and banners. With Cercei's prisoner Dorne would also join. And fleets from Iron Island.  Let's also not rule out Howland Reed and the Crannogmen

[ollies-outies]

After effects of a main superhero story, the antagonist tries to get life back to basic order, living a simple by-clock job life. They become seriously depressed, especially with reflecting on their mistakes as well as PTSD from the fight with the hero.

hi id like to entitle this piece: “i dont have depression, ptsd, and have only ever had a mild panic attack.” if i fucked anything up pls tell me so i can like? not fuck it up in the future.

[1888 words, warnings for suicide mention and all the other stuff i talked about]

As soon as the plan went sour, they’d all killed themselves. It had been a pact of sorts: better to die than see the plan fail.

But, of course, Benjamin had been too slow.

And now here he was.

He could still see the spot from the window (the stupid fucking McDonalds drive-through window), where Marie had died. He hadn’t been there when she’d pulled the pin, of course. But the giant bite her grenade had taken out of the cement and storefronts that the city still hadn’t managed to fill was all the proof he needed.

A blue Subaru pulled up, cutting off his view of the scene that he didn’t want to see anyways. A lady, bleached-blonde and middle-aged, poked her head out the window. Her knockoff Gucci sunglasses glinted light straight into Ben’s eyes.

“You ordered the salad, right?” He asked, trying to sound cheerful.

“And a coffee,” she said, not putting nearly as much effort into her cheer. As he handed her the food, she lowered her shades, squinting at him. “…you look familiar.”

He got that a lot. Even though he’d worn a mask during his time as public enemy number one, his image had been plastered on every newspaper at least once a week for a solid year or so; that kind of exposure tends to leave an imprint on people’s minds.

He wasn’t worried though. This woman didn’t expect the man who’d threatened to destroy the city on a near-monthly basis to be serving her Micky D’s takeout. So she didn’t make the connection. He shrugged at her. “I’ve just got one of those faces.”

Once the coffee was safely in her seat holder, she rolled up her window and drove away. But not before leaving him with her two cents: “Not with that scar, you don’t.”

Thanks for the reminder, ma'am, he thought at her. He would’ve said it out loud, but McDonald’s policy dictated that he avoid sassing customers. The scar, which ran from his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, and ended in the center of his cheek, had also happened on the day when it all went to shit.

Benjamin preferred not to think about it.

Which meant that, of course, the next five customers were spent actively trying not to think about the scar. Or Marie, or Jacob or Marcus or Lee. It worked about as well as it always did.

Four customers more, and then Alyssa, the manager, called him over. “I’m taking over at the window. You take the counter, ‘kay?”

He nodded. At least then he wouldn’t have to look at the crater. Marie’s crater.

With every customer that came through, Ben became more and more aware of the scar. People would look at him, and he was sure their eyes would flick to the scar for a moment before politely averting their gaze. It had faded over the two years since he’d got it, and he covered it up every morning. Apparently the concealer had rubbed off today.

The scar was throbbing by the time the man walked in. Even in civilian clothing, even after two years, Ben knew that face like the back of his hand: the tree-bark eyes, the dark hair curled like a Greek statue’s, the slightly upturned nose, bent to the left where it had broken and healed long ago.

It wasn’t a face Ben relished seeing.

A cold sweat sprung up between his shoulder blades. His hands started to shake with adrenaline. He looked around for something to do, someone to give the counter to, but Carter was already in front of the register.

To the rest of the world, the man was Solar Flare: protector of Radon Canyon, defeater of extraterrestrial threats, dimensional anomalies, and ‘domestic terrorists’ like what Ben used to be.

Right now, he was Carter Sanchez, complicator of Ben’s already not-great day.

“I’ll have a Big Mac and a cookie, please.” He smiled, and it might have been charming if Ben’s stomach weren’t swirling at the too-familiar, too-intimate smell of Carter’s cologne. Sandalwood. Fresh and woodsy, like a newly cut pine tree.

His fingers punched in the order, like a machine following a code. But his head was racing. Why’s he here? Does he recognize me? Is he here to kill me? Finish what I couldn’t? He wouldn’t. He doesn’t kill. But what if he did?

The food was handed to Ben, who handed it to Carter. For a moment, their hands brushed. Ben forced himself not to jerk away, and focused instead on praying that his shaking was less noticeable than he thought it was.

Carter thanked him and then just. Sat down.

Sat down and didn’t look at Ben again.

He seemed so… Okay. Like he wasn’t constantly thinking about the day two years ago.

And why would he? It was all just another day of work for Solar Flare. It was only Ben’s life that had gone up in flames.

It happened over at the stadium, just a couple blocks east of the McDonalds, and Marie’s Crater. The comm lines had cut abruptly to static as one by one, all of his friends pulled their pins and died, until there was only Ben left.

But he hesitated, like an idiot, and that was all the time Carter needed to knock the grenade out of his hand. When he tried to recover it, he’d been kicked, hard, and sent flying across the rubble left over from a previous battle. A sharp bit of metal scraped across his face as he flew past, cleaving from forehead to cheek. Deep enough to scar. Not deep enough to kill.

Because why would he ever be that lucky?

And then Carter had pinned him down, and asked him how, and why, and all that other stuff bleeding-heart heroes were probably contractually obligated to ask. And he was so close that Ben was suffocating in the sandalwood cologne and the coppery smell of blood pouring from the rift in his face into his eyes.

The sandalwood still lingered at the counter and Ben was having trouble keeping himself in the right moment, in the right place. Carter was still right there, enjoying a fucking Big Mac, oblivious to the presence of one of his greatest enemies not even ten feet away.

Well. Former greatest enemy.

After Marie, Benjamin had stopped. He’d had a cause to fight for - they all did. But without her and the others, it all seemed meaningless.

“Jamie,” she’d said to him, right before it had all gone wrong.  “When we win, you owe all of us ice cream.”

Most likely, she was just trying to lighten the mood. It worked, and he smiled. “Why me?” he’d asked.

“Because it’s your turn, stupid. I bought last time.”

And then they’d all died. But Carter was still there. And he was sitting down and eating a burger, and Ben’s friends were still dead.

A tide swelled up in his chest, threatening to break at a moment’s notice. It hurt, and there was an urgency to it that told him to get out.

He hardly heard the words that came out of his mouth (his throat felt so swollen, he wasn’t even sure if there had been any) to try and tell Alyssa he had to leave for a moment. He managed to make it to the family bathroom and lock the door before his legs gave out. The bathroom had been recently cleaned, and the tang of bleach wafted around him, mingling with the sandalwood still lingering like fog in his mind.

Breath was coming in and out of his windpipe in erratic bursts, like a bird being shook in its cage by a particularly sadistic child.

“Just kill me already!”

“No.” It was infuriating how easily Carter could hold him down. Nobody that dressed in such a ridiculous latex suit had any right being so strong. “You’re going to calm down, and then we’re going to the police.”

Ah, yes. Calm down so he could be handed to the police. Like that wasn’t the same as a death sentence.

He hoped the awful choking noises he was making were drowned out by the bathroom fan. Its low humming crowded his ears and made it hard to think.

Police choppers hummed in the distance, close to where Ben, in a moment of confusion, had managed to give Carter the slip. He was miles away now, in one of the safe houses Lee had hooked them up with.

He was tempted to call his friends, make sure they were on their way safely. But he realized that, of course, they couldn’t respond. Not anymore.

His phone buzzed, knocking him out of the scene.

It was a text from Alyssa. ‘You okay? You’ve been in there for a while.’

Deep breaths, he told himself. In, out, in, out. Bleach filled his nose. Not the most pleasant, but its pungent smell helped root him back in the harshly-lit McDonald’s bathroom.

The sweat was drying, making his shirt stick to the small of his back. He didn’t want to go back to the safe house again. Any of them. Not the one he was staying at now, or any of the others spread around the city. He wasn’t sure if he could stand another night sleeping next to his friends’ ghosts; especially not now.

His legs were shaky, but he managed to push himself up the wall into a standing position.

‘I’m fine,’ he responded. ‘Could I leave a bit early though?’ It took him a good seven tries and a couple autocorrects to get his shaking fingers to sort out the right letters, but he eventually got it.

‘Of course! I’ll take your shift tomorrow too, if you need?’

He smiled. Alyssa was much kinder than he deserved. ‘Thank you.’ Only three tries this time; he was starting to feel better. The shaking was subsiding, his stomach was settling, and though the dried sweat made him smell a bit like a scared animal, at least his skin was feeling more like it belonged on his own body again.

After a few more deep breaths, Ben felt alright opening the door. He didn’t bother going to get his bag, and he didn’t risk looking back to see if Carter was still there. The goal was to get on the first bus and ride as far from Radon Canyon as possible. There was probably enough money on his card for a motel room. He could worry about quitting and his woefully barren resume tomorrow; all that mattered now was leaving.

The bus he finally got on was heading east. There was a game going on in the stadium where his life should have come to an end two years ago. Ben’s eyes lingered for a few moments, until the cement walls and giant parking lot were hidden from view by the train station, and then a block of office buildings, and then a park where a team was just starting soccer practice.

Every mile out of the city felt like another weight lifting away. Another painful reminder gone, another memory out of mind.

At the last stop, hours away, in the middle of the night, it felt like he was breathing for the first time in two years.

[han-america]

vent/rant tw: suicide mention

ik i tend to whine and complain ab my friends a lot which is like cringey and makes me annoyed at myself however one of my male friends has had severe depression for a long time and bc i am also depressed ive always reached out to him and tried to make him feel loved and engaged...literally our whole friendship and obviously like i do not expect ANYTHING from that bc thats bare minimum making sure hes supported when hes depressed and i understand that and the rest of our friends nonstop bully him and make fun of him for sleeping or skipping school or not doing work and that always rubbed me the wrong way and i would tell them and whatever so. thats the backstory. now present day he’s started taking medications, and i mostly text him random funny bullshit to cheer him up or just like. nice stuff about him bc i thought it’d be nice to hear and he KNOWS that im suicidal and depressed bc we’ve talked ab it and every single time we talk he tells me how annoying i am and how he never reads any of the texts i send him bc they’re weird which like... speak ur truth i guess i dont have to send them! so i guess i’ll stop but the other night he was making a lot of suicide jokes and he said to my other friend that they should make a suicide pact and kill themselves b4 their 18th birthday which obviously made me upset so i told them not to say that and he was like “hey its so funny that haley is like ‘nooooo don’t make suicide jokes about yourself and then 5 seconds later is like ‘god i want to KILL MYSELF!’” like hm yeah i wonder why lmao and my other friend was like “its because she cares about us lol” and tried to change the subject and they just kept talking about suicide! also this is a side note but he nonstop says f*ggot and not in reference to himself like other people and hes bi so hes allowed to say it but goddddd i hate hearing it! so yeah thats my little vent ab how no matter how much u bend urself and push urself out to comfort other people, that gives them no obligation to extend the same courtesy to you! also if anybody has read this far no matter how funny u think a joke is or harmless if a friend asks u to stop making it...stop it costs deadass NOTHINGGGG. this friend i’ve been talking ab when i was talking to someone sitting between us ab how i heard f*mboy was a slur, interrupted to let me know he did not give a fuck and was still going to say it like cool im glad. along w this was just like i always always always ask my friends do not make jokes ab self harm or cutting! i dont like them and one mention of it will lead to me thinking ab it literally all day lmao and on my arm with my cutting scars my friend made a joke ab me cutting myself like can u NOT tell thats not funny. lmao. anyways yeah sooooooo im excited to go away to college!!! pls god can this pandemic go away

[tumblunni]

also the final dungeon sucked and am i like the only one who hated the whole twist entirely? literally the only good bit was that mr never before foreshadowed trash hype killer villain god disguised himself as igor that was a good twist if it was anyone else, if it was a random npc like with p4′s deity final boss, then it would have had no redeeming qualities seriously it was SO THEMATICALLY BAD seriously shido is SUCH a climax boss and you have actual reasons to hate him and an actual grudge and it feels good to kick his ass! even if his boss design is stupid looking! yaldabaoth is just... nobody he’s an abstract representation of the theme of the whole plot, which already got answered it was SO DUMB to just have out of nowhere everyone learns the same lesson again in a giant literal metaphor way dude we ALREADY answered the questions about ‘whether humanity prefers to be obedient and enslaved rather than make their own choices’ and it was so artificial that public opinion of the phantom thieves suddenly tanks to 0 after they save the day?? if everyone forgot about us cos of evil godman brainwashing then HOW IS THIS A LESSON THATS BEING LEARNED. They just had to love us EVEN MORE so they were able to break the rbainwashing! like seriously it was just like.. you wanted some excuse to have everyone cheer on the phantom thieves as they watch the battle why not just have all that happen WITH SHIDO I mean he’s said to have stolen a bunch of metaverse research and know all about it it would make him much more of a threat if he did more with that say that HE is the one using mementos to brainwash the public have the phantom theieves fade from existance cos of that ‘kill myself to collapse my own palace’ plot shido did have it like.. it looks like eveyrone got out fast enough, theyre right at the entrance to the real world, but its just too late everyone fades away seeing the real world in the distance and screaming for anyone to grab their hand, but nobody sees them same effect same scene, just with shido and without three more hours of repetitive plot and a terrible TERRIBLE final dungeon! you could even still have the whole thing of the velvet room attendants fighting back against igor and saving you and then you go back and do the final fight just have it like.. igor was actually good and it was all a test, he faked betraying you. cos this is your final test- standing up to the ultimate authority figure. and he congratulates you for overcoming his challenge, and like.. reveal that the entire prison warden thing was a test for justine and caroline. they were the ones being rehibilitated. like, a test to gain free will that he always does for each new attendant. OR just have the same plot of evil igor imposter and stuff, but we dont need to have it happen after shido’s plot and lead to just goddamn repetition of p4 izanami withoutr any of the characetr development. Seriously he doesnt even get any moral ambiguity or anything! He’s just evil! He doesnt even really believe he’s doing what humanity wants! And him acting as your helper for fuckin 90 HOURS wasnt like a sign of character complexity or anyting, it as just a lie! Think of how much more interesting it could have been if yaldabaoth had a plot like ryoji, like he’s the human form of a god created to destroy everything but he ended up developing genuine affection for the protagonists and regretting the role he must inevitably play. That would have been repetitive but the plot we got is repetitive anyway!! and like seriously just SOMETHING SOMETHING somehow make him working with shido! remove the ENTIRE FINAL DUNGEON. It was padding in a game that was SO RUSHED aside from this damn moment! take that screentime and flesh out haru’s screentime more! DAMN YOOOOOOU have shido being a super mastermind who’s working with this evil god have shido be a wild card, even?? or have him as someone who’s like.. his pride and jealousy caused him to make a pact with this evil god in order to gain like.. fake wild card powers. He’s not able to actually use the metaverse on his own, he’s relied on manipulating his trash son,  and now he’s without even that option he gets so desperate he WILL NOT ACCEPT his loss and goes all super saiyan by fusing with yaldabaoth. Yaldabaoth’s lack of personality doesnt really matter here, because he’s being a plot element instead of a final boss all on his lonesome. He could even be more sympathetic, cos all we see of him is as a mcguffin holy grail acting as the warden to everyone who GENUINELY wishes for imprisonment rather than free will. We dont get to hear his voice, we dont get to see him brainwashing people who clearly didnt make that choice, just to repeat an already-answered question about whether humanity as a whole would make that choice. Its just ‘hey here’s a mcguffin that exists because of the suicidal wishes of humans, and shido has stolen it and is using it to power up, holy shit’. And all we know about yaldabaoth is that he/they/it wants to grant wishes, and has no morality to determine which are good or bad. Not that its a fuckhead with dreams of granduer who wants to trick everybody into wishes they didnt ask for, and has NO PERSONALITY instead of being izanami WITHOUT PERSONALITY and just... GAHHH So yeah like BLINDSIDED, SLAP IN THE FACE, we thought we defeated shido, we were trying to grab the holy grail but WHOOPS HE’S BACK AND HE GRABBED IT. Like, after the whole climactic ‘shido is collapsing his own palace’ scene, when everyone leaves the velvet room they’re just at the site of that locked door, skipping the whole shitty dungeon. And then we see the holy grail right there and we get the exposition about it right there, and how it could reverse all of shido’s bullshit at the cost of ending the metaverse, blah. No need for a boring month of being unable to do anything but see cutscene after cutscene of BUT WE DEFEATED SHIDO BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING. And then like.. SURPRISE! Shido isnt really dead! we accidentally led him right to this mcguffin that he can now use to become SuperFinalBossmanRematchMode. And this is where we get the exposition of how he didnt really die, it was a fake death pill. OR, if we wanna get EVEN MORE climactic goodness, maybe shido DID die from that, and now like.. his soul is trapped in the cognitive world forever as this horrifying shadow fusion thing and he’s still whining about how its your fault and taking no responsibility for his actions. So SUPER SMACKDOWN TO FINALLY END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL! And its still high stakes cos its all ‘holy shit it should be impossible for him to still exist’ and ‘holy shit he fuckin ate a god’. And like, if yaldabaoth got fuckin bitchslapped before he could even be a presence in the plot. ‘Yeah hey i was pretending to be igor- ARRGH HOLY SHIT SHIDO NO’ Mr actual climatic boss reclaims his throne, rather literally. Makes him more imposing than he is when he’s really just another palace ruler and you never even confront the real world shido or anything. I mean you kinda already beat his plans when you removed his only minion who could access the metaverse, you just do the rest of the palace to collapse his career too... and then like fuckin.. somehow have the same thing where the metaverse and real world start blending. But it’d even have a better explanation than just Yaldabaoth Can Do That, I Guess, And He Didn’t Do It Until Right Now Because Reasons. You could say its like a consequence of the metaverse revolting at shido’s running away from death. Say his willpower is so strong that he can fuckin fuck up reality with it! His ego is THAT big! And then hoodly boo, same thing with everyone cheering you on so you summon satan and save christmas. But the final boss could look less stupid than a fuckin faceless art studio model made of chrome that pulls a gun out of its butt. Or I mean it could look even more stupid, it could just ahve shido’s shit face pasted on top XD But shido’s already proven that he can give a climactic boss fight even while looking like a dumbass wearing too many ShakeWeights(tm)! OR ORRRRRR Instant fix that could LITERALLY make the whole thing better without changing any dialogue except one namebox. Just say Yaldabaoth is someone else. Just give him the name of a fan favourite villain from early persona *COUGH NYARTHALOTEP COUGH* It would fit better with the YEAHHHHH BOYYY factor of his big twist of being fake igor, it would keep that hype going instead of murdering it with a personalityless villain and eight floors of just stairs and light puzzles. EVEN BETTER if they actually did go far enough to make it a proper nyarly cameo and give him a design as cool as his old ones. Like seriously the thing of being twisted representations of everyone’s parents would work SO WELL here thematically! it could be a rgeat moment to FINALLY see and hear more about protagonist’s parents! And like half the party has issues with family that we already saw in the other palaces, so it could be a great fake boss rush style memory lane of all those guys. instead of just pulling guns out his butt that cast all the same status effects. It could be ESPECIALLY good for GIVING POOR HARU MORE SCREENTIME AND DEVELOPMENT. Seriously, just imagine how fucked up it would be to see a twisted fake dad doll attatched to some fucker’s tentacle face, all these months after he died? it was a good idea to at least mention how he was the only palace owner who died, but it was a shame it meant he was also the only one who didnt get to cameo here and give the corresponding party member some more dialogue and developments. Especially cos Haru is fuckin awesome against bosses! HARU 4 EVARRRR But seriously even if everything was exactly the same and they just made one small reference to some character we already know something about, at least it would give us some frame of reference for yaldabaoth’s actual goddamn motives. who in the FUCK thinks its a good idea to tape on an extra 10 hours after the climactic boss to give us Nobody Mc Grail who Does Bad Cos He Want To. Srsly its like if P4 ended with ameno-sagiri and didnt even have all that izanami stuff and moral ambiguity and seriously i am gaining SO MUCH appreciation for how they managed to make a sudden unforeshadowed boss have AN ACTUAL SOUL. And she related to the themes of the story without being repetitive!  Still not as good as nyx/ryoji in my opinion, but it wasnt just ‘we are contractually obliged to throw in 1 (one) Evil God (tm) at the last second, because its a persona game’ the final scene was good, the everything else wasnt 100 Yes to Satan Saving Christmas Thank God for Giant Bullet Blow His Face Off but not THIS PARICULAR GOD because he is a detestable flaw in a game that I loved very much! at least he got fuckin sploded and got a good ‘im fucked’ face without even having a face. Seriously that brief REACTION SHOT was sooooo fuckin cathartic! his ONLY PERSONALITY he ever got was being a smug asshole who thinks he’s the best final boss ever, and we got an actual moment of ‘ha ha ha ha i win i win, i- OHHOTDIGGITYJESUSCHRIST’ *splat* thanks satan now can we seriously have no more evil gods ever, they have officially outlived their welcome can satan just shoot all of them in the head before they even get to be in the story ilu satan (also im curious now to do more research on ‘satanael’ and see what the difference even is about this form? is it just a different aspect of the christian devil like how satan and lucifer are also available in this game? or is satanael actually just a different mythological figure and the whole ‘satan saves christmas’ meme is just cos they sound similar?)