#why do my legs hurt so badly this is homophobic

[murdleandmarot]

Hi! saw the asks thingies, 3 and uhhh I forgot the number for the...i forgot the word also...honeymoon was it? And desire and wound 👀 for bluebelle

Hi hello!!!!! Dw I know what number you’re talking about :)))

3. Bluebelle is an outdoor kitty, mostly because she doesn’t really have a home, and she had to get used to living ‘outside’

I actually have Bluebelle’s entire living situation mapped out in my head, (den in an alleyway, she set it up right next to the abandoned theater she discovered, that’s where she and the gang practice :)))))

So yeah!!! Outdoor kitty!!! She loves the rain a lot, not so much being out in it, although she doesn’t mind it, but being in her den as it rains, (me for real). She fucking LOVES the snow though. Special Bluebelle lore, she LOVES snow, she’ll eat it, she’ll lay in it. Unfortunately the cold does very much bother her, so she can’t prance around forever 😭😭😭

13. Norway orrrrr Paris. I don’t really have a reason for Paris, it just seems honeymoon appropriate, and for a bit I was gonna make Bluebelle French? (For. A reason. My mind works in often stupid ways). And Norway is gorgeous, it has a lot of aforementioned snow, Aurora Aksnes is Norwegian and I associate her with Bluebelle, so yay Norway!!!!!

I already did desire in a previous post (it’s not too far back if you’re super interested) so I’ll just do wound under the cut :))))

Wound: ooo okay so, bluebelle got stuck in the gutter/drainage pipe when she was rly young, and got hypothermia, and had to be fished out by humans. She probably stayed with them until she was better, then ran away. So that’s the most she’s ever been Wounded Wounded.

If she got hurt now? She’d completely freak out. She can try to ignore all of the mental stuff, but a physical injury? That’s tangible enough to be a present and actual problem to her. She wouldn’t know how to handle it, and would probably try to find Victoria in a panic.

As for mental wounds, as I won’t shut up about, Bluebeard traumaaaa she is NOT dealing with the situation well at ALL. Bluebeard when I catch you Bluebeard

[kandyzee]

So gonna be ranting about this mf on twitter

Major Ian gallagher defence coming.

OKAH FIRST Ian 100% deserves mickey the same way mickey deserves Ian. When mickey is first introduced he is a homophobic closet case with no support system by the end of the show he is happily married to his fucking high-school sweetheart with his own apartment in a nice area and he has his own business. HE HAS ALL OF THAT BECAUSE OF IAN. Ian became mickeys support system and was always pushing him to become a better person. He shows mickey that he's not 'fucked for life' and he trys his hardest to protect him. Even if the way Ian did it , he got mickey to come out. Mickey needed that push. U think he would have come out if he didn't have someone he loves telling him to?

Now the cheating. The only time Ian cheats on mickey is during his manic episode in s4/5 AND HE GOT HELP AFTER. It's crazy to me that people don't think Ian regrets that and seriously use it as a reason to hate Ian. U better hate fiona and Debbie and Lip too. Yk what better hate mickey too cause he did have a wife and boyfriend (this is a joke don't kill me)

Ian not signing the marriage papers is upsetting but it's not hard to understand why he did it. Ian grew up around frank and Monica , his main representation of marriage is an absolute shit show. He's scared of turning his relationship with the man he loves into that. This is an expected fear from Ian given his worries about being like his mum. He doesn't want to complicate things. And he talks to mickey about this. Ian not signing isn't him being horrible it's his way of trying to protect mickey from himself because he loves mick.

And Ian is always trying to protect mickey, he backs him up in fights, when mickey breaks out of prison he doesn't go to the cops, he breaks up with mickey when he thinks their relationship is hurting him, he tells lip "hit my husband again and I'll fucking kill you". CLEARLY PROTECTIVE.

I don't have ss but mf was also like "Ian laughs at mickey being raped" so talking about that now.

The first time Ian "laughs at him" is in s3 when he tries to talk to mickey right after it happens. I don't think it takes a genius to know that Ian was trying to lighten the mood, not laugh AT mickey. He was also traumatised when Terry catching them happened. He laughs nervously because he has no clue how to navigate a situation like that at such a young age. He's a child making a badly timed, uncomfortable joke because he watched something terrible happen.

The second time Ian does this is with Caleb. During his relationship with caleb, Ian tries to convince himself that mickey was bad for him a few times. Making yourself hate someone is a lot easier than accepting the fact that they are gone. He shouldn't be telling someone he basically just met about that, but in his defence, he's talking about something he probably feels happened to him as well. Ian is affected by all that happened with mickey, and it makes sense that he tells people. In the same way, it would make sense for svetlana to tell people about the day it does for Ian too. All 3 are victims of Terry. Ian also has people telling him how bad mickey is all the time (mainly fiona tbh what if her problem with the milkovichs ) so he's trying to believe that, a easy way to do that is get validation from someone who hasn't been been around mickey. Caleb has never met mick, he has no reason to try defend him. I also don't really think what Ian was saying was making fun of mickey, it's not nice but yk?

This is getting long omg

On him being ugly

UGLY?!?!?

Cameron monaghan is GORGEOUS. He is the definition of cutie pie AND fine as fuck.

When mickey punches Ian because he didn't sign the marriage papers, HE DID NOT HAVE IT COMING. No one deserves to be hit by their partner. I mean, Jesus crist mickey literally broke his leg. His is probably the worst aspect of their relationship by that I mean the violence. A lot of it is playful, but it's not always healthy. Mickey was understandably upset but he shouldn't have hit Ian.

Okayyy now the hall of shame stuff. To me, that shit doesn't count cause Ian and mickey both act kinda out of character. I really don't like Ian saying that, and he shouldn't, but it's hardly a reason for Ian not to deserve mick. 87% is still the majority of his heart, and Ian wasn't saying he doesn't love mickey. Also acting like mickey hasn't said worst things.

"Ur nothing but a warm mouth to me"

"better than going off and having another bipolar episode"

LAST THING. Yes, mickey sacrifices a lot for Ian, like when he goes to prison for him, but not everyone shows love through large reckless actions. You shouldn't expect Ian to give things up to prove he loves mickey. Sacrifice isn't the only way to show affection. U can do it through words or gifts or quality time. Ian shows his love a lot through words, like when he tells mickey, "we have nothing to be ashamed of" early as s2. He makes him feel better when mickey is scared he would be a bad dad.

Ian gallagher haters are DUMB . Some people shouldn't be allowed to watch shameless cause how can u be so small-minded. People who say 1 of them doesn't deserve the other are just aggravating. Gallavich has a lot of ups and downs, and its part of what makes them so appealing. Despite all the bad things they go through, they always love and fight for each other.

Rant over

[glitterarygetsit]

I've said most of this on Twitter already, but here is my Obligatory OFMD Finale Feels post.

In short: I'm disappointed on a plot and character level and people are right to say it's ableist, but I mainly think the writers fucked up while trying to do something positive. A lot of this is conjecture, and it doesn't absolve the creators for making the mistakes they did or continuing to preach kindness and happy endings in interviews, but I think it makes sense and frames OFMD as an effort to make a show that is far more progressive than most other shows, but still really, really fucked up without meaning to.

Looking at the timeline, the show got renewed in June 2022, and was filming by September. The fandom has had a full year to explore Izzy's character and get more attached to him than the writers, who got about 3 months to gauge audience reaction and potentially rewrite his whole arc, could have expected.

I think the fact that the writers seem to have tried to give a fan favourite an arc in which he achieves happiness and self-actualisation is laudable. The problem is that in doing so, they made him even more of an avatar of queer and disabled survival while failing to change the endpoint they had planned for him. As a result, when he died, he wasn't just a complex deuteragonist with an arc that served the main story who saw the error of his ways, but a protagonist who had come to represent the themes of survival and acceptance that the show has embodied from the start.

The fact that s2 explicitly gave Izzy an arc about becoming disabled and coming to terms with it is what invokes the "bury your cripples" trope, and the idea that being disabled makes life not worth living despite earlier episodes (and other characters!) in the series explicitly demonstrating the contrary. If we look at his death as something the writers viewed as a fixed canon event, it's clear that they badly fumbled the ending, thinking they'd given him peace at the end when what they'd actually done was rip the prospect of more peace and happiness from him.

The way Izzy's death and funeral were handled--the in-universe inconsistency of having his fatal wound be on the left side, the cruelty of the British noticing his golden leg, the implication of something beyond the grave by having possibly-seagull-Buttons landing on his grave and denying us the closure of knowing that's the end, as well as separating him from his community and from his prosthetic were repeated slaps in the face that I see as the result of internalised ableism and trying to force a character that had grown beyond his original narrative purpose back into a predetermined fate. To me djenks' garbled rewriting of Izzy's relationship with Ed in interviews confirms that the character broke the bounds of its intended purpose and left the writers unsure what to do with him.

Ultimately, I don't think djenks and the writers intended to be cruel. I think they're the products of an ableist, racist, homophobic society with a lot of internalised prejudice who should have hired a disability consultant for their silly pirate show that unexpectedly punches far above its weight in terms of representation. Still, I can absolutely understand why viewers might feel that the failure to account for their internalised ableism is enough of a betrayal to stop watching. I do hope those viewers can still find joy and representation in the fandom going forward; if they move on to another show, our fandom will be poorer for it, and I think other fans need to recognise the hurt they're going through and use this experience as an impetus to create better-informed fanworks themselves.

I'm not especially interested in litigating whether OFMD signposted this from the start or is breaking or sticking to genre conventions or three-act-structures or whether it broke in-universe rules (it did, though. bite me.) Izzy's death was neither an inevitable beat in a well-told story nor evidence of an intentional shift towards Game-of-Thrones-style cruel and pointless deaths. They just fucked up, badly, and I hope they'll do better in future.

[bigilante]

〖 her best friend ❣ zendaya 〗

「 zendaya x gender-neutral!reader 」 ┅ 「 2.7k words 」

: a.n : back at it again with the unsolicited fics :)) i hope you guys like it 👉🏼👈🏼

⤷ : prompt : separated forcefully or for reasons you can’t control, run into each other again years later on accident.

“Do you think they’ll ever stop making headlines calling us ‘very good friends’?” You halfheartedly laughed at yet another Instagram post by some magazine that showed you and Zendaya out and about LA. “Like, the minute you hang out with any guy they’re like, ‘Oh! Date alert!’ But I’m just your ‘best friend’” You were ranting now, unable to hide the annoyance you felt.

“Why does it matter what they say?” Zendaya quizzed, her hands playing with the waist string of your sweats. She looked up at you from her slumped down position on the sofa, her faint frown making you sigh.

“Because... don’t you feel is a bit homophobic?” You wondered, placing your phone face down on top of your stomach to give her your full attention. The brunette just shrugged nonchalantly and you let out another sigh picking your phone again to close the app, “I’m gonna head out.” It was best to just leave then, you didn’t want to get in a stupid argument with her not before you were set to leave for New York the very next morning. You began to incorporate but Zendaya’s hands gripped your thighs keeping them draped over hers.

“Y/n, come on.” She said, gorgeous hazel eyes pleading at you. What exactly? You had no idea but for a second, you were about to give in however a loud ding coming from your phone stopped you. Your eyes scanned the screen and the reminder that had popped up read ‘PACK ! 4 ! N Y C !’, you sent her an apologetic glance before getting off the sofa, gathering your stuff and petting Noon goodbye.

Zendaya had stood up from the sofa too, watching your every move intently, probably trying to figure out if you were upset with her. The truth was, you didn’t know if you were upset with her or with the media, it was possible that both had a little part in your now sour mood. “See you next week, best friend. Love you.” You joked before swinging the front door open and leaving. The week was going to feel like a month, you knew, but the hope that making that simple joke followed by the declaration would ease things up was strong.

But what did hopefulness ever bring if not disappointment and heartache?

Seeing medium-quality paparazzi pictures of your girlfriend as soon as you landed from a five-hour flight wasn’t exactly the way you wanted to be welcomed to New York. You sat quietly in the back of an Uber trying not to cry as your eyes stared at the images on your phone. A series of pictures of Zendaya and Tom leaving her house, —they must had been taken that morning while you were on your way to the airport— the further you scrolled down the Twitter trends the more you felt like throwing up. Them in his car. Tom’s hand reaching for Zendaya’s jaw. Both leaning in. Kissing. Laughing.

It felt like a punch to the face, it was the worst feeling you had ever endured and the people that caused it were the last you would’ve thought could ever dare to hurt you. Your trembling hands fumbled with the settings on your account, privating it and blocking her and Tom, doing the same with Instagram followed by their numbers on your phone. It felt like doing a cleansing, the pressure in your chest easing only minimally when you locked your phone and looked out into the running city. You wanted to scream and cry, break stuff, throw your phone away and not show to work, you just wanted to go hide in your Airbnb for the rest of the week and pretend you and Zendaya never happened.

The reality was that you two had happened and it was far too hard to pretend it didn’t, your heart ached both physically and metaphorically and you hated every second of it. For that week you spent in New York no one shut up about the photos, every person you worked with had that hot, brand new ‘goss’ about the pair that had hurt you so badly.

You sat in the quiet living room of the apartment you had been living in whilst in the big city, laptop sitting in front of you as you cancelled your flight back to LA, changing the tab to the Airbnb’s one to pay for a few more days. You had been holding yourself together the whole time you were there, work keeping you busy and sleeping pills doing their magic at the end of the day but it could only go so far. Glassy, stinging eyes stared blankly at the empty inbox of your email, the cursed images projecting over the blank space and you just weren’t strong enough anymore, you couldn’t, so you cried and choked and screamed until your throat and eyes were sore; until your whole body was drained of every bit of energy.

Little by little you were sweeping your life clean of her, clearing out your phone’s camera roll, changing your number. Deleting social media was a big no for your job so filtering everything and anything that had to do with them was the only option, that and spending little to no time online. You had stopped to think one night of the what-ifs of the situation, you were aware that Zendaya’s publicist wasn’t so happy about you and her dating publically and Tom’s was obsessed with boosting the Spider-man movies at all cost, still, giving you a heads up about it would had been the right thing to do.

For a year and a half, you made yourself busy, going back and forth wasn’t something you enjoyed but it worked to avoid unwanted visits and accidental encounters. Enough time had passed, you thought as you stopped booking in so many clients across the country and settled back in your LA home. “You know what? I could go for a thick, sugary milkshake, right now.” Naomi told you as you put down your half-empty box of fried noodles on the coffee table.

“Are you serious?” You asked incredulous receiving an enthusiastic nod from your friend. “Naomi, we just had Chinese and you wanna wash it down with a milkshake?” She rolled her eyes at you when you pointed it out.

“Fine, what about Bubble U? Bubble tea is Chinese isn’t it?” She offered, her question prompting you to send her an unamused glare. “Yep, Bubble U it is, then!” Naomi jumped up, going straight to the door. Reluctantly you got up from the floor, groaning all the way to the door where you got ready to go out, “Come on! It’ll be fun!” She chirped while she pulled you out of the house. You hated to admit it but you had completely modified your life after the heartbreak, once you settled back home you barely left it, you didn’t attend parties unless it was for work or go out with your friends unless it was at any of their houses. You didn’t walk around the city that often anymore in fear of bumping into her.

“I miss this.” You sighed as you walked down Chinatown with your friend, the coldness of your drink pleasant against the palm of your hand. “Just walking around town.” You continued taking a sip of the milk tea.

“I still don’t get why you had to stop going out with us.” Naomi said inciting you to turn to look at her, “I mean, I know why it’s just… you didn’t have to stop.” She rephrased it giving you an apologetic glance. You knew how much your friends hated the idea of you not being able to be you after the whole thing with Zendaya and Tom happened but it was your way of coping with it and even though they didn’t agree with it, they supported you.

“Well, I’m outside now, aren’t I?” You nudged her side with your elbow making her giggle as she nudged you back. “Maybe this is me getting back to my old self.” Hope laced your every word as you looked around the busy street. The way the golden light of the setting sun washed over the buildings made the outing worth the risk.

LA was the second-largest city in the United States, with a population of nearly four million that one could think the chances of crossing paths with a lover-turned-stranger was one in millions, yet, there you were rooted to the pavement as your wide eyes stared at the tall and thin figure coming out of one of the many restaurants that dotted the street. “Come on, let’s go back.” Naomi said, placing her hand on the crook of your elbow ready to pull you out of there but something inside your chest told you to keep moving forward.

So you did, you started walking again letting your friend’s hand slip away from you. She was quick to follow, whisper-shouting at you that whatever you were doing probably wasn’t the best idea. The closer you got to her the more nervous you felt, it’s been over a year since you last saw her and god, was she even more beautiful than before; long legs clagged in camel coloured trousers, feet sporting her beloved black converse. Her top was white, a little see-through and you cursed at how much it still drove you absolutely crazy in the most irritating sense.

Curls tucked into an elastic on top of her head in a carefree and relaxed way, a few stubborn strands hanging out framing her face and gracing her neck. She was laughing loudly at something Darnell said, that laugh you had forced yourself to forget but the second it hit your ears, you realised how badly you had missed it. Then everything stopped, Naomi’s panicked telling off, Darnell’s chatting and Zendaya’s laughing. It all had stopped but the rambling around the four of you.

You stood in front of Darnell while Naomi stood in front of Zendaya, your friend’s usually amicable attitude disrupted by the scowl on her face as she glared Zendaya’s way only the brunette’s pupils were set on you with no apparent intention of averting. “It’s you,” She breathed out, hope barely perceivable in her tone. You only hummed at the observation, your eyes moving from hers down to her hands that were gripping the long lanyard that held her phone around her neck. Her nerves were evident then, the intensity with which she clutched it seemed to be draining the blood flow from her fingers. “I— How—” Zendaya tried to speak but failed, letting out a shaky breath. “How have you been?”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Naomi protested, you understood where your friend was coming from but you also needed that, you needed to speak to Zendaya just one more time to be able to finally let everything go. You needed her to confirm your theory just so you could move on and Darnell seemed to be on the same page as you for he stepped in between you and Naomi, throwing his arm around her shoulders to guide her away from you two. You heard her object some more but ultimately she complied and walked away.

“I’ve been fine. You?” You eventually spoke after short but agonising seconds of silence.

“I don’t know. There are good days among the terrible ones, so... fine, I guess?” She shrugged a shoulder. With a nod of your head, you looked past her over her shoulder to see a man pointing a camera at you, you were about to warn her when she began speaking again. “Y/n, I’m so sorry about—” Zendaya started but you shook your head no making her stop, you realised then that you did want to talk to her but not on the street in front of that many people and certainly not when there were paparazzi nearby.

“Heard the movie did well.” Your tongue betrayed your brain. Zendaya tried to speak once more but you cut her again. “I’m glad it did. Made it all worth it, didn’t it?” You faked a small smile nearly choking on the words, the anxious lump in your throat threatening to cut your airflow.

“No, It didn’t.” Zendaya denied taking a step closer to you forcing you to hold your breath with the sudden move. “I was a total asshole to you before you left, then Marla wanted me and Tom to do that for a while and I don’t even know why I did it.” She ranted in one breath.

“I upset you.” The statement earned you a furious head shake from the tall girl. “I did. I kept bugging you about the articles,” You carried on, inconspicuously your eyes started to line with tears. The more you talked the more you realised that maybe, just maybe there was a bit of blame in you too, however, that didn’t mean Zendaya was absolved from any. “You never said a thing to me about the stunt.”

“I felt like I didn’t need to, I wasn’t gonna do it.”

“But you did. The morning I left LA.” You mumbled, trying to hide from the second man with a camera that had appeared closer than the first.

“Fuck, I know it was a shitty thing to do and I’m sorry,” She took another small step forward.

“You always told me kissing in public wasn’t your thing.” You exposed, tears irrevocably breaking the surface tension and cascading down your cheeks. Flicking your gaze up at her you saw nothing but hurt and regret written all over her gorgeous face and your heart squeezed at the sight. She had never spoken about it and neither had you asked, you just felt it in your heart that she was scared of how the media would treat you both if they ever found out you were dating, you knew the times had changed but there were still closed-minded people that ran gossip magazines and could make your lives a living hell the moment they caught you holding hands in public or worst, kissing.

The murmuring around you increased, reminding you that you were in a very public place crying in front of your secret ex-girlfriend. “Fuck that.” Zendaya grumbled. One moment she was a small step away from you and the next her hands were cupping your face and her lips were softly pressed against yours. The action took your breath away instantly, still, you found yourself powerless against the familiar taste and feel of her and allowed her to kiss you as long as she wanted to in front of how many people she wanted to. There were yelps and gasps all around the two of you and you started to regain conscience and pulled away.

Wide, watery eyes staring up at the girl mere inches away from your face. “Th-there’s pap—”

“I don’t care.” She whispered before she captured your lips once more, this time deeper and twice as intensely as the first time. Your hands scurried to her waist, bringing her flush to your body as you kissed her back gladly, desperately wanting her lips to make the past year bleep out of your core memories.

The night went by slowly as if the universe was granting you more time to spend in the arms of the girl you loved. She never once let a second of silence go by you, filling it with a whispered apology and a kiss. You talked about everything the time you spent apart brought to both of you, she told you about firing her publicist right after the pictures came out, about how she understood why you had cut her off without any explanation and how bad both her and Tom felt with the whole thing.

Articles flooded the internet that very night as well as the next morning, however, neither of you knew of them right away for any device that could be hooked to a WiFi signal was rightfully turned off while you basked in the presence of each other under the covers of Zendaya’s bed.

“Spider-man Star Zendaya shares intense kiss with BFF, Celeb Stylist y/n l/n in the middle of Chinatown! Swipe to see the pictures!”

It might be 2021 but some things refused to change.

【 thank you so much for reading! ♡ please, consider reblogging and letting me know what you thought of this ♡ kit xx 】

[writethelifeyouwant]

Riled Up | Part 2

Summary: Quarter Creek Ranch was just another kind of prison for Jensen, but at least this one came with some eye candy at the reins.

Rating: 18 Pairing: present day!Jared (38) x young!Jensen (19)  Warnings: Homophobia and gay slurs - This story is set in Texas in 1990. Sexual activity with someone of the same gender was illegal in Texas at this point in time. If depictions of homophobia and use of derogatory, anti-gay language will be triggering for you, please scroll on. Tags: ranch owner!Jared, ranch hand!Jensen, juvenile delinquent!Jensen, twink!Jensen, homophobic language, fist fighting, thirsty thoughts, male masturbation, age difference, taboo relationship W/C: 5.3k

Created for: @spnfanficpond's Alpha Reader Programme w/ @katbratsupernaturalwhore, who has been so wonderful to put up with my wanting to make this fic way longer than it was meant to be 😅

Jared continued poking Ackles with a stick. When José had asked him why he had it out for the kid, Jared had been ready with his bullshit excuse about needing to watch the ones that isolated themselves a little more cautiously. That was also why, out of all the boys, Jared hadn’t given Jensen any duties that would put him too close to the horses. He knew that animal cruelty was another warning sign of potential problems, and Jensen was detained for a pretty violent assault in the first place. Despite knowing that, deep down, he was giving Ackles those jobs because he liked being close to the boy, Jared also knew that if his first impression of Jensen had been right, he’d never be able to forgive himself if any of the horses paid the price for a lack of caution on his part.

They were both in the stables today, Jared and Jensen, though Jensen wasn’t actually working with the horses. Jared and José were working on Champion, carefully de-shoeing the old stallion, after he’d managed to dent one of them quite badly on his last ride out. This wasn’t anything Jared trusted the new hands to help with so soon after their arrival, so he offered to give José a hand himself. It had nothing at all to do with the fact that Jensen was set to be mucking out the stalls that same morning.

Nope. Not a thing.

Jared could feel Jensen’s eyes on his back from across the expanse of the stables, but he couldn’t turn to look back, nervous he’d spook Champion while he was holding his hoof steady. The de-shoeing process was tedious, as Champion wasn’t being overly cooperative. His favourite mare, Baby, was kicking up a fuss too; knocking against her stable walls impatiently, trying to get to Champion, who was tethered in the center aisle of the barn.

“Baby, settle on down girl,” Jared cooed while he tried to get a more firm grip on the hoof with the damaged shoe – this would be the tough one. “You’re gettin’ Champ all riled up now and I need him to stand still, huh mister?” Jared patted Champion’s flank comfortingly before he tried to go for his hoof again, José standing back, clinchers at the ready.

Baby wasn’t settling down, and the longer she tossed around in her stall, the antsier Champion got too. Jared could feel Jensen staring their way again, and since he had to drop the leg he was holding to avoid Champion kicking him in the nuts, Jared figured he’d take his momentary freedom to turn and tell Ackles to get back to work.

As Jared suspected, Jensen had set down his stall rake and given up the pretense of working, but he wasn’t watching Jared, his eyes were fixed cautiously on Baby. Slowly, he crept forward, making his way to the stall door before the mare took any notice of him. Jared wasn’t sure why he didn’t tell Ackles to stop – he should have – Baby was a temperamental animal, and Jensen could just as easily wind up getting hurt himself. But, he was being very careful in how he approached her, palm stretched out flat in greeting, and Jared felt a shocked laugh squeeze out of his throat when he realised there was a small sugar cube sitting in the boy’s palm

That sneaky bastard must have brought some out from breakfast.

Baby had noticed Jensen and his sugar cube now, and with a whinny she tossed her head and bent in his direction. She nuzzled her dark auburn head against his hand, knocking the sugar to the ground and bending to retrieve it. When her head popped back up over the stall door, Jensen had another sugar cube ready to replace the first. Baby snatched this one right off Jensen’s hand, chewing against his palm and licking the skin to pick up every trace of sweetness she could.

Jared watched in awe as Jensen brought his other hand up, still clearly harboring a bit of trepidation, and laid it gently over the white diamond patch on the crown of her head. Baby whickered a little, shaking her head, and Jensen pulled his hand off the horse but didn’t move too far. He hovered there until she settled, then gave her another experimental stroke down the length of her face.

“There’s a sweet girl,” Ackles murmured gently to the creature, reaching up to brush through her main soothingly. “Good girl,” he cooed again, continuing his languid strokes down her neck.

Stunned into an impressed silence, Jared allowed himself a few more moments to gawp at the pair before seizing the opportunity Jensen had provided them, and turning his attention back to Champion and José.

“Right, let’s do this quick,” Jared nodded at his rancher, and they set about un-nailing the broken shoe from Champion’s hoof. When all the iron was finally off, Champion pranced in place for a moment, celebrating the lightness of his foot. “Good job buddy, good job,” Jared praised him, petting down his glossy coat happily.

José unhooked Champion’s bridle from the rings keeping him in place and walked him back to his own stall a few doors down. Attention now free, Jared turned to Jensen curiously. His gut reaction was to scold, and be harsh, but he bit it back. Maybe he had been wrong about this guy. Maybe Jared could trust him.

“You like horses?” Jared asked instead, and Jensen nodded cautiously.

“Yessir.”

“Okay then,” Jared nodded, considering his options. “You want to swap teams with Sanchez? They keep spookin’ him out,” he chuckled to himself at the memory of Sanchez accidently jumping backwards into the feed trough the previous week when a horse had neighed in his face.

“I– uh…” Jensen’s mouth opened and closed comically while he found his words, and for a second Jared thought he might reject the offer out of rebellion or spite. “Can I trade after lunch?”

Jared let out a deep booming laugh, remembering that after lunch, Jensen was meant to be back on the food prep rotation with Rocco and DJ. Collecting himself, Jared gave the boy an obliging nod.

“Yeah, you two can swap after lunch. Go on, get yourself fed,” he jerked his chin in the direction of the farmhouse, smiling to himself as Jensen walked back with the first show of genuine emotion Jared had ever seen from him. He decided he liked the look of happiness on Jensen.

Baby whinnied excitedly as Jensen approached her, bucket full of cool, sudsy water in one hand and sponge in the other. Anderson followed behind him, scuffing his boots along the cement floor of the stable, kicking up hay and dust the whole way.

“Would you cut it out man?” Jensen complained, waiting for Anderson by the stall door because he didn’t have any free hands to open it.

“Oh, sorry, did I get dirt on you, pretty boy?” Anderson sneered cruelly, purposefully kicking up a clump of hay as he pushed his way into Baby’s stall.

“Aw, you think I’m pretty?” Jensen mocked with a false seductive glare. “Better not let any of the other guys hear that. They’ll tie you to the back of a horse and yell ‘giddy up’!” Anderson mumbled something under his breath in response but Jensen didn’t care enough to ask him what he said. Dipping his sponge into the bucket, he set about the task of rinsing Baby down from her ride earlier.

Anderson stayed quiet as they worked, brushing inattentively at the mare’s main, eyes wandering everywhere other than his current task. Even his sour mood couldn’t dampen Jensen’s spirits today though. Baby was his favorite horse out of all of them, and Jensen thought he might have been her favourite out of all the ranch hands – even Jared.

“Man, why do you like this shit so much?” Anderson piped up from the opposite side of the horse.

“Like what?” Jensen asked absentmindedly, still focusing on Baby.

“Workin’,” Anderson scoffed. “Even back at the lockup you were always workin’ on school and shit. I figured you thought you were better than all’a’us, but here you’re doing the same boring shit as every other motherfucker here and you’re smiling away like your Daddy came home for Christmas.”

“I don’t know,” Jensen shrugged, not particularly inclined to have any kind of meaningful discussion with Anderson. Plus, Jensen knew there was a very good reason for his recent improvement in mood, and he wasn’t about to admit that out loud to anyone, or he’d wind up being the kid dragged behind a horse. His recent move to the grooming team had actually resulted in seeing Jared even more than he used to on his old rotation. And spending all day around horses and a smokin’ hot guy was a recipe for a good time in his book.

“That’s all you’re gonna say? I don’t know?”

“I don’t know,” Jensen shrugged again, grinning inwardly. He knew it was childish, but for some reason, he couldn’t resist the temptation to wind Anderson up a little. He would have to tread carefully though, because Jared was in the stables too, a few stalls down. He’d caught Jensen’s eye and gave him a cordial nod on his way past Baby’s stall a few minutes earlier.

“Dude, you’re touched in the head or somethin’, ain’t ya,” Anderson didn’t pose it as a question, more like a lament, but Jensen took it like he was expecting an answer anyhow.

“I don’t know,” he repeated, stifling his laughter as he bent down to douse his sponge in the bucket for fresh water. He wasn’t laughing a moment later when Anderson stomped around Baby and gave Jensen a kick, sending him sprawling head first towards the ground. Somewhat luckily, his head was cushioned by plunging into the pail of water, rather than smacking face first into the concrete beneath his feet, but he wasn’t wholly unscathed. A bit of rusty metal snagged his ear on the way out of the bucket and sent a trail of blood streaming down the side of his neck.

“What the fuck was that?” Jensen shouted angrily, shaking his head so water and blood flew in all directions as he tried to clear his eyes.

“You were bent over, homo, figured you were asking for it,” Anderson shot back with a nasty grin, stepping forward to shove at Jensen’s chest.

“Dude, what the fuck?!” Jensen let himself stumble back, hesitant to rise to the bait knowing that Jared was close by. Surely he’d heard the commotion and he’d be storming in any second to break up the fight.

“You too pussy to fight back Ackles? You’ve always looked like a fuckin’ pussy,” Anderson sneered.

“Funny,” Jensen puffed himself up and fixed his position, ready to stand his ground this time, “I wouldn’t think any girl would’a let you near her pussy before, how do you know what they look like?”

“I know better than you, you fucking faggot!” Anderson took a swing, and Jensen managed to duck just in time, but he didn’t anticipate the knee that came up to his crotch in the same motion. He howled in pain, jumping back.

All the noise was making Baby anxious, and she’d started to knock herself around her stall, hooves stamping furiously in the dust. Jensen smiled in satisfaction when he saw Anderson’s toes get stepped on. While he was jumping up and down in pain, Jensen lunged, pinning him against the slatted wooden wall of the stable partitions and punching the idiot squarely in the jaw.

There was an indistinguishable cacophony of noises ricocheting around them; horses, delinquent teens, ranch hands – Jared.

“Get the hell off’a him!” Jared’s voice shouted right against Jensen’s eardrum, and then he felt his arms being pulled roughly behind his back as he was hauled away from Anderson, who slumped dramatically down the stable gate. “What the fuck was that Ackles?” Jared shook him, the hold putting a painful strain on his shoulders, and there were a million different thoughts swirling through Jensen’s mind: anger at Anderson, anger at himself, anger at Jared, sympathy for the horses they’d disturbed, and a thousand other things. So why, for the love of all things holy, were the thoughts that managed to push to the forefront – Fuck yes. Hold me tighter, Jared. Make it hurt.

Jensen had gotten comfortable far too quickly. He should have known better, he should have kept his guard up. He really should have fucking known better.

Jared was shouting at them. He’d been shouting for a long time now. After they’d been hauled out of the stables and someone had found Anderson an ice pack and gotten Jensen a bandage for his ear, Jared had marched the boys up to their shared room and unleashed hell.

Anderson was packing.

Jared had warned them all their first night here that you only got one fuck up. Your second mistake and you were gone, bundled back on a bus to Gainesville for however long your renewed sentence would be. Bitterly, Jensen hoped Anderson got at least a couple more years for this; something that would land him in an actual prison, not just the juvie center.

Jensen knew it had been stupid, moronic, to get into a fight, especially in the stall with a fucking horse. He felt awful that their idiocy had put Baby in danger, even for however brief a period the fight had lasted. He wanted to apologise to Jared, but it didn’t look like the man was going to run out of breath or things to shout about any time soon, so he held his tongue, sitting awkwardly on the bed while he waited out the storm with trepidation.

He wondered if this incident had been bad enough to warrant him being sent back as well, even though he hadn’t gotten into trouble up until now. He’d even thought Jared was starting to like him lately. Guess he’d ruined that now too, just like everything else in his life. It would be a miracle if he was allowed close enough to the horses to muck out the stalls after what had happened today.

Jensen heard Anderson snap weakly towards Jared’s tirade at him, bringing him out of the reverie he’d suspended himself in, letting Jared’s displeasure wrap around him in its entirety. Anderson wasn’t so ready to take the verbal consequences of his actions.

“That faggot started it,” he snapped weakly at Jared, stuff the last of his things into his backpack roughly.

“I did not!” Jensen shouted, jumping off his bed in defense, at the same time that Jared hissed: “What did you just say?”

Jensen was astonished to see Jared storm forward, grabbing Anderson’s backpack in one hand and the boy’s shoulder in another.

“I will not tolerate that kind of language here, son,” Jared growled threateningly, more serious than Jensen had seen him all day. Anderson was steered harshly out of the room and down the stairs. Jensen followed, curiosity getting the better of him. “You’re staying in solitary tonight, and someone from Gainesville will be here tomorrow to collect you.” Jared pushed Anderson into one of the two single rooms that lined the corridor to the canteen. The boy tried to protest but he was easily overpowered, and Jared pulled the door to the solitary room shut behind him. The lock made a satisfyingly sharp click when it engaged.

Jensen stood at the base of the stairs, blinking in amazement. He’d never seen anyone in a position of authority stand up for him like that. Back at Gainesville, no one got so much as a slap on the wrist for using that language. Hell, Jensen used it himself, sometimes, just to blend in. But Jared had jumped down the kid’s throat with way more ferocity after he’d heard the slur than when he’d only been telling them off for throwing punches.

Did that mean that Jared… Jensen didn’t let himself entertain that question for too long. The prospect of Jared being gay, too, was not something his imagination was equipped to handle at the present moment.

“Hey, I’m sorry he was talkin’ to you like that,” Jared approached Jensen, now considerably calmer, hands resting on his hips like his torso needed the support. “Was that why you were fighting? He was callin’ you that kinda stuff?” Hesitantly, Jensen nodded, and he saw understanding and sympathy flood Jared’s face. “I’m sorry,” Jared apologised again. Jensen shrugged, tried to make out it wasn’t a big deal, but his face must have still looked worried, because Jared gave him another sad smile. “Look I get why this happened, but I’ve gotta be fair. I still have to give you a warning.”

“You mean you’re not sending me back?” Jensen’s head shot up, surprised.

“No, I’m not sendin’ you back, kid,” Jared reassured him, giving Jensen’s shoulder a light squeeze.

“Jare! Jared!” José burst through the front door of the farmhouse and into the hallway, shouting urgently. “Saddle up man, we got runners.”

“Shit!” Jared swore vehemently. “Yeah, throw my saddle on someone, I'll be out in a minute. Do you know who ran?” he asked, hands combing through his hair in nervous aggravation.

“Those two you always got on kitchen duty?” José clearly couldn’t remember their names. “Some of the guys said they saw ‘em go off with some extra bags, they must have been stockpiling food and decided to try their luck while we were all distracted with those two,” the ranch hand motioned callously in Jensen’s direction, and Jensen grimaced.

Jared rolled his eyes, digging the heels of his hands into the sockets in frustration. “Right, let’s try to get them back before it gets too dark out. Ackles, back up to your room, you’re in for the night,” Jared pointed him away, and Jensen nodded meekly.

“Yessir.”

He trudged back up the stairs, feeling horrible, and not just because his head and hands hurt from the fight. If Jared didn’t manage to find DJ and Rocco before nightfall, and something happened to them, that was kind of his fault. He shouldn’t have fought back the way he did, he should have just toughed it out and waited for Jared to turn up. Fucking stupid, Ackles. Now this whole mess was on him.

The window in his room looked out over the stable yard, facing the barn, and Jensen looked down to see Jared swing himself gracefully up onto a stallion, thighs flexing as he settled against the animal. He wheeled his horse around, checking he had everyone he needed, then gave an order Jensen couldn’t hear and spurred the party forward into the prairie, his outline shrinking against the backdrop of the setting sun.

-

The empty bed wasn’t something they talked about. By the time they’d arrived back in the shared room that night, Cameron and Baxter had already heard what had happened to Anderson – what Jensen had done to him. Whispers were flying through the dormitories, renewed gossip about the incident that had gotten Jensen thrown in Juvie in the first place, each version of the story more violent and ridiculous than the last. But anyone who had caught a look at Anderson the next day, before he was unceremoniously pawned off to a state trooper for the trip back to Gainesville, got a pretty good look at Jensen’s handiwork.

Jensen had watched him leave from the safety of his bedroom window, looking down at the boy whose face was a patchwork of yellow, brown and blue, the bright red of his split lip standing out amongst the palette of bruises. Jensen wasn’t particularly sorry for what he’d done, Anderson had had it coming, he was just sorry for all the trouble he’d caused for Jared.

So fuckin’ soft, Ackles. Get your shit together.

Things on the Ranch settled back into the familiar routine after a few days, the excitement of Anderson’s expulsion finally losing its potency. Jared hoped that would be the last he’d hear of it.

DJ and Rocco were still in isolation rooms after their attempt at a prison break, but, despite the stupidity of their transgression, Jared had still left them with their one warning. He didn’t think they’d try to run again, the boys had been exhausted and dehydrated when he and the ranchers found them, collapsed against some gopher holes not even two miles out from the farmhouse. They’d returned home without any fight.

Boy Scouts they most certainly were not, Jared thought wryly.

For the moment, any time either one left their room they had to be supervised, which meant Jared had been spending much more time with DJ and Rocco the past few days, and much less time with Jensen. Maybe that was good, he reflected. He was becoming too attached to the boy; he knew he was. He’d been drawn to Jensen since he stepped off that damn shuttle on day one. And maybe now he knew why.

From the sound of it, there was a more than decent chance that Jensen was actually gay. It would never have occurred to Jared outright. Jensen had always seemed like this tough, dangerous, devil-may-care sort of guy, and in Jared’s experience those things always tended to be accompanied by a taste for bad beer and big boobs. Then again, that was probably unfair of him to assume. Maybe this was what Jared had been picking up on this whole time, what had made him want to get closer to Jensen. Well, that and his very obvious physical attraction to Jensen. Fuck, sometimes it still took him by surprise, how completely captivating Jensen was.

There were moments, sometimes, usually when they were working outside or in the stables, where Jared could feel his eyes on him; he wondered what the kid was thinking at those times. Was he attracted to Jared, too? Jared didn’t think he was bad to look at, overall. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

He took a moment to look up at himself in the mirror hanging on the wall across from his desk. His hair was pushed back off his face, showing off the freckles on his forehead and cheeks that had been showing up more clearly every day of the summer that passed. He’d let his stubble grow out, too busy to shave the past few days, and he thought it gave him a little grit to his appearance; a little more strength, and maybe even a little more sex appeal.

Jared looked back down in exasperation at himself, and caught sight of the grubby vee-neck he was wearing, stained with dirt and still a little sweaty from his morning in the stables. Jensen had been there too. Jared had wanted to stay longer, find a reason to loiter, just so he could watch Jensen grooming the horses. Watch as his shoulders flexed beneath the thin white tank he had on, strong, sinewy muscles bulging out with every pass of the sponge along the animals’ bodies. Jared could even pretend that he didn’t think about fucking the guy every time he bent over to dunk that damn sponge back in the bucket. Jensen’s ass was beautifully defined, firm, and it pressed invitingly against the straining denim every time he leaned over. Jared couldn’t help but stare – and it’s not like Jensen would ever notice, he was always facing the other way.

Remembering that morning proved to be a problem for Jared, and as he was looking at his soiled clothing something else caught his eye. His dick had begun to swell up in his jeans at the mental images of Jensen that were running through his mind’s eye. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and it had been happening more and more lately.

Jared dropped the pen he was holding and pressed his chair back from the desk, groaning in discomfort when his fly dug into the tender flesh at his crotch. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Hell, he should be getting hard thinking about a nineteen year old fucking kid in the first place but here he was, and his problem was getting bigger by the second. Having a reason to think that Jensen was gay made it even worse, because for some small sliver of his mind that meant there was hope – hope that his thoughts didn’t have to remain a fantasy. That was a dangerous possibility. No matter how wrong it was for him to want Jensen, if Jensen wanted him back? Yeah, he could have him.

Jared’s hand dropped to his lap, squeezing the bulge that was now at full mast beneath his jeans. He felt himself throb beneath his fingers, and he knew he was too far gone for this problem to solve itself on its own. He’d never let himself do this – jerk off when he knew for a fact that Jensen was the cause of his erection – but something felt different this time. He didn’t care to examine it too closely, because he knew he’d talk himself out of it, and right now he didn’t want to be reasonable, he wanted to get off.

Clumsily undoing his belt, Jared shoved his hand into his pants and took hold of himself, going straight for the tip and rolling it between his fingers. He made his grip as tight as he could stand and pulled his hand hard and slow down his shaft, imagining that it was Jensen’s ass he was pushing into, rather than his own palm. He wondered idly if the boy was a virgin. An image of Jensen on his hands and knees on one of those tiny prison beds sprang to his mind, some anonymous body in a jumpsuit pushing into him. Or maybe Jensen liked to be on top?

Jared smirked to himself as he continued to jerk his cock quickly, the waistband of his boxers and jeans pushed down below his balls now so he could move how he wanted. His hips jumped off the chair as he pistoned himself up into his grip. God, he wished Jensen were on top of him right now. He could picture it so clearly, the boy’s thighs straddling him, hands behind him, holding his ass open for Jared to pound into. What sort of sounds would he make? High, whimpery, needy? Or would he sound more like Jared, groaning low and desperate, lungs beating against his ribs unable to hold onto the breath they so desperately needed.

He spit in his hand, needing something for lube so he could quicken his pace. Already, he could feel his completion beginning to pulse low and heavy in his gut. Jared thought about how Jensen would want to be jerked off, would he like it slow and dirty, fast and slick? Does he like having his balls played with? Jared hoped he would, he would love to suck them into his mouth, bet they would be so pretty. His lips fell open in a groan, and his tongue flicked out of its own accord, like he was going to lick Jensen’s balls, hold them on his tongue.

Jared’s hand flew faster and faster, the spit pooling on his tongue dripping down onto the head of his cock, his mouth braced open like there was a cock down his throat keeping him that way. He shoved three fingers from his free hand into the space, pressing down against the back of his tongue and resting easily at the top of his throat. The finger gag helped muffle his shout when he came, hips bucking up as he leaked out across his fingers, dripping messily onto the leather seat of the chair beneath him.

With a small moan, Jared pulled his hand out of his mouth and wiped the dripping fingers on his shirt. His chest heaved with the effort of his breath while he leaned back in his chair and let himself sink into the feeling of his orgasm for a few moments longer. When he had collected himself a little more, he pulled his shirt off and used it to wipe his hand clean of his release, tucking himself back into his boxers and pulling his jeans back up.

Standing up to stretch, Jared threw his dirty t-shirt across the room to one of the chairs in the corner. He had a spare shirt and flannel in the wardrobe anyway, which he moved toward now as he buckled his belt back up, he could toss the old shirt in the laundry later.

“Yo, boss!” One harsh knock was all that preceded José barreling into Jared’s office, breathing heavily. “Out–outside,” he was panting, pointing through the window toward the outdoors, and Jared sprinted across the room to look around the curtain. In the distance he could see a lot of dust kicking up, the shadow of a horse, and the figures of three boys, apparently beating the shit out of each other.

“Fuck!” Jared shouted, sprinting past José and down the hall, all but jumping off the porch rather than running down the stairs. He could hear José running right behind him, keeping pace. He’d been right to come get back-up before he tried to break up this fight. When they’re close enough to make out the identities of the fighters, Jared’s heart sinks.

Baxter, Cameron, and Jensen are all over each other. It was two against one, and Jensen was holding his own, but Jared can see the other two have already gotten some shots in. Jensen’s shirt is torn at the shoulder, and he has a cut across his lower lip that has dripped blood down his chin.

Not bothering to stop or think about how it would look, Jared threw his body between the tangle of boys, effectively tackling Jensen to the ground and putting himself in the way of any further attacks from Cameron or Baxter. Somewhere nearby, Jared could hear the horse stomping and whinnying, loud and frightened.

“Look out!” Jensen shouted, terrified. He lurched beneath Jared, forcing his body up and over, rolling them across the ground. Jared felt the hot gravel digging into his back like needles.

“What the fuck?!” Jared hollered, trying to fling Jensen off of him, but the boy was heavier than he looked.

“Stay still!” Jensen seethed, plastering himself firmly over Jared’s body and holding his arms down. Their faces were barely an inch apart. Jared could feel Jensen’s breath rushing over his cheeks, his chest heaving against Jared’s own bare skin. He was suddenly keenly aware that he’d run out to break up the fight without a shirt. Thank fuck he’d just beaten off or he would be in an unavoidably awkward situation right now with Jensen pressed on top of him like this.

“Wha–” Jared began to protest again but the word caught in his throat and his body froze when Jensen forced his head to the side and he saw why the younger man had forced them out of the way. A threatening hiss rattled down Jared’s spine as the diamondback slithered across the yard, steady and slow. It wasn’t trying to run away, it was hunting.

“Stay. Still.” Jensen breathed against Jared’s ear, and this time Jared listened.

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Story Tags: @durinsbride @maliburenee @mrswhozeewhatsis @epiclovestoryj2

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[barbecuebabybackribs]

Jasper Hale having a male mate would include:

Alice saw you coming but she didn’t see who was coming

He was resistant at first, partially because you were very human and he was afraid of hurting you, also because he had never courted a man

Not that it would stop him

After getting over the initial shock he would be a proper gentleman

He’d walk you to class, sit with you at lunch, offer to drive you home

He even switched his schedule around so he could sit with you at English- although if you asked it was pure coincidence

Constantly asks you questions about yourself, and answers your questions as honestly as he can without exposing the big secret

He takes things much slower then Edward did with Bella

It was months until he confessed his feelings for you and asked you out

Speaking of which the first time he felt your emotions and felt you crushing on him- took everything in him not to confess right there in class

Your first date he took you to a movie- due to Edward tipping him off there was a new horror movie you’d been really wanting to see

During the movie there was one jump scare that made you flinch and grab his arm- that along with the slight increase in your heart beat, he was fighting off a laugh for the rest of the night

Get’s extremely nervous at the thought of telling you he’s a vampire

Actually starts avoiding you when his family starts to pressure him into telling you

Ends up telling you during one of your very common late night phone calls

You think he’s joking at first but he proves it by running sonic speed at you

You scream

He gets very insecure for a few minutes before you assure him you only screamed because the sight of someone running at you as fast as a bullet was terrifying- not because you were scared of him

You bombard him with a million questions after that- he answers each and every one

You bring up the bite marks on his arms and he explains how he fought in the southern vampire turf wars with maria

“Oh, I just thought you were kinky”

“Y/N!”

Take’s you out the next sunny day to show you what he looks like in the sun

Can’t help but smile when he feels a sudden surge of excitement when he steps in the sun

“You’re so Handsome!”

“You’re not to bad yourself”

You spend a few hours just talking and walking around- he shows you some of his favorite parts the forest that you had never known existed

Introduces you to his family later that day, they all love you- except for Rosalie

But she warms up to you eventually

You go awhile without having your first kiss, both to nervous to scare the other one off

Jasper gets enough confidence to go for it when you press a soft kiss to his cheek, he grabs your waist before you can pull away and pulls you into a quick kiss

He lets you pull away, thinking he might have taken it to far for a moment

He’s delightfully surprised when you go in back in for another kiss- relishing in the mix of excitement and love radiating off of you

Goes home with a bit more pep in his step- which does not go unnoticed by Edward and Alice

Subtle PDA all the time, hands on your thigh, a hand on the small of your back, interlocked hands, an occasional peck on the cheek.

Never initiates a kiss in public but is more then willing to kiss you back if you make the first move\

Way to nervous to have sex with you while you’re still human

Once Jessica Stanley made a homophobic comment about you and him, he never admitted it but she may have been hit with a sudden wave of negative emotion causing her to run out of the room- tail in between her legs

Some one is hitting on you and making you uncomfortable? You feel two strong arm wrap around you and pull you close, not needing to turn around to know it’s Jasper.

“Hello Darling, Is everything alright?” He’d say in a sweet time but his eyes were staring daggers into whoever was flirting with you

“It is now that you’re here, Jazz.”

Calls you Darling, Hun, Sweetheart, ect. Basically anything but your name

If your parents are homophobic he makes sure to wait until your ready to tell them- if they handle it badly he uses his power as some extra convincing

Jasper is a bit of overprotective bit tries to respect your decisions

Jasper always tries to reassure you when you’re insecure about your relationship without using his powers on you once you express your dislike to it

The only reason he turns you is because the Volturi says if he doesn’t they’ll kill you

Although Jasper make’s sense your 100% alright with it

Makes Carlisle turn you in fear he won’t be able to stop

If he could cry he would have when he heard your cries of pain as  the venom courses threw your veins

The whole house goes still when your hearts finally stops beating and you fall silent

On the third day Jasper is anxious that you won’t wake up, the only sound in the room is his foot nervously tapping the ground

“Jas... Jasper?”

His golden eyes shoot up to your now crimson ones

“Hello Sweetheart. How are you feeling?”

“...Weird.”

He helps you up and for a moment he only holds you in his arms, finally not needing to hold back his strength

Lets out a laugh when you hug him back a little to roughly

“Careful Darling, your not the weak one anymore.”

“Bitch please, I was never weak.”

That earned another laugh

He helped you adjust  to your new life as a vampire

and helped your mourn your old life

Although you struggle he is impressed by your self control

And is slightly envious

Everyone thinks you have no power

Until you touch Jasper on the shoulder and he jumps- surprised by the random image of the first time you had kissed vividly plays in his mind

Turns out you have the power Visual Projection like Zafrina from the Amazon coven

They actually enlist Zafrina’s help to train you

Jasper is more then thrilled at your talent, loving the fact that you can not only project your memories but others if they grant you access

After a month of you being a newborn Jasper physically can not hold back anymore

He whisks you away to a small cabin in Canada- under the guise of a reward for doing so well as a newborn

But when you get  there you pick up on why you’re truly there

Soft Kisses turn into hungry kisses, soft touches to the back of your neck turn into hands exploring every part of you

Let’s just say it’s a good thing your away from the rest of the family- and anyone else for the matter

You rest your head on his chest afterward, Jasper has a smug grin on his face just by feeling the emotions washing over you

You too spend an eternity together, protecting each other no matter what and savoring every last moment with each other

And for the first time in a long time, Jasper is truly happy

Uhm so this may have gotten away from me a bit.... but I’m trying to get back into writing so I decided why not write some of the ideas in my head? I hope at least some of you enjoyed :) Stay Safe everyone

[thefandomlesbian]

We’re All Born Naked (The Rest Is Drag)

Summary: A series of crimes at a gay club leaves the BAU scrambling for a way to locate the unsub before they have another victim. After a surprising revelation about Spencer, he's assigned duty on stage--performing as a drag queen so he has the opportunity to spot the killer from above. While undercover with Hotch, feelings develop.

Read it here on AO3!

...

“We're all born naked, and anything anybody wears at any time is drag.” -Tede Matthews

��

The heady air of the club before it opened collected in thick clouds around the team. Hotch spoke with the owner a few yards away from the others. Spencer watched their conversation, unable to hear what they said, but understanding from the exchange of nods that they were making some kind of deal regarding the club and its patrons.

For the past three weeks, every Friday night, a man from this club had gone missing and turned up disemboweled two days later.

Tonight, they intended to catch him in the act.

Hotch left the owner and approached the rest of the team. Spencer fidgeted with the sleeves of his shirt. In a few minutes, the club would be opening, and he wanted to be far out of here before people began to arrive. It wasn’t a risk he wanted to take. JJ shot him a sideways glance. “You alright, Spence?” He nodded.

Hotch inclined his eyebrows as he stopped in front of them. “The owner has agreed to let us bug the place. Reid, you’re undercover with me.”

Spencer gulped. “Er—I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Hotch frowned. He kept fidgeting with his sleeves. “I’m… not sure that’s something I can do.” Defying a direct order? He never did that. Hotch had told him, not asked; refusing wasn’t an option.

Morgan pursed his lips. “C’mon, man, what gives? You fit the type. You’re gonna be a lot more helpful on the ground than the rest of us.”

“I know, I just—I have certain concerns that my ability to do this may, uh, may be compromised.”

Emily cocked her head. “Reid, are you… homophobic? ”

“No!” Spencer bristled. “No, I’m not homophobic, I just am worried about certain things—”

“What kind of things?”

Spencer opened his mouth to respond, but across the dance floor called a familiar voice, “Spencer!” that sent cold chills running down his spine. He closed his jaw with a quiet click and closed his eyes, willing the voice to go away, but it didn’t, and he could hear footsteps trotting up behind them. This kind of thing. Peter propped up an arm on Spencer’s shoulder. “Hey, buddy! I thought you said you had to work tonight! Listen, you are gonna be so excited— Damien B is back in town. Remember the last time he was here, I was too drunk to walk, so you went up to him and tucked that wad of cash into his G-string for me? Best night ever! Plus, the drag race is on. Are you gonna roll again? Runner up last time—you’ve got a real shot.” I wish I were the unsub’s last victim. Peter’s excitable grin did not fade as he looked up at the rest of the team. “And you got us some newcomers! C’mon.” He nudged Spencer pointedly. “Introduce me to your friends!”

Some part of Spencer prayed that if he willed it hard enough, the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He reluctantly opened his eyes, gauging the expressions on each of his teammates’ faces, ranging from shock and horror to Hotch’s completely impassive poker face (Spencer was quite grateful at least one of them had the grace to look like himself). He opened his mouth again, and again, Peter interrupted him. “Oh, who’s this tall drink of water?” He pushed into the circle of the BAU and brushed both of his hands down Hotch’s arms. Peter smirked and winked. “Who’s your daddy, big guy?”

Oh, please don’t hurt him, and please don’t hurt me. If he hadn’t been paralyzed to the spot, Spencer might’ve had the willpower to turn away and run, run out of the club, down the street, to the bus stop, and take the city bus all the way to Canada where he would change his name and never return. He cleared his throat. He could not move. That meant he had to speak. “Peter, these are… my… colleagues. We are working a case here.”

“Oh.” Peter blinked somewhat surprised. Then, he withdrew from Hotch. “Well, this one can arrest me any time. ” Spencer’s entire face and neck flushed maroon. “I’m Peter! Nice to meet you guys.”

Emily was the first to find her words. “So you two are…” She gestured between them with her index finger.

Peter’s eyes widened. “Us? Oh, no, ma’am. We’re just the twinks who have to try to find a ouija board to summon the top we both need. Right, Spencer? Up top!” Peter lifted up his hand. Spencer merely stared at his palm. “Oh, don’t leave me hanging!”

Hotch coughed, interrupting the shame circulating between all of them. “Thank you, Peter, but we really need to resume our investigation.”

“Oh, sure, sure. I’m gonna be hovering around the bar all night—and your drinks are on me.” Peter pointed at Hotch, and then he swung around and trotted back toward the bar.

Spencer released a long, pent-up sigh. “That. That’s my concern.”

Silence followed. Finally, JJ broke it. “You’re gay? ”

“Mhm.”

“Called it,” Rossi said, speaking for the first time in a few minutes. Spencer’s belly did a sick flip. “Morgan, you owe me.”

Emily tilted her head. “Were you ever going to tell us?”

“Honestly? No, I wasn’t.”

Morgan countered, “I don’t owe you anything. I called Emily, remember? We’re even now.”

JJ blinked incredulously. “You guys are taking bets on who’s not straight?”

“Yeah, princess, and my money says you and Emily bang it out before the end of the year,” Morgan countered. JJ’s cheeks flushed as red as Spencer’s.

Emily piped up, “So Rossi does owe you.” Morgan fist-pumped.

“Can we get back to work?” Hotch interrupted pointedly. Everyone fell silent and fell in line, looking back toward him. “Reid, you’re not on the floor anymore.”

Rossi snorted. “That’d be a bad idea. He might end up at the glory holes.”

Hotch shot Rossi a dark warning glance. Spencer flushed with warmth, but then Hotch continued, “I have a better idea.” His gaze swept the room, the flyers on the wall, taking heed of the layout, the speakers, the stage, the bar. “You’re on stage. You’ll have the best vantage point of the whole club from up there. You’ll see more than any of us can from the floor. Drag show starts at nine. Get dressed.”

I wish I were dead.  

…

In a skin-tight dress, five inch heels, and a poofy blonde wig, Spencer crossed his arms and stood beside the foot of the stage. The crowd had packed into the room. I deserve a raise for this. He looked up as Hotch parted the crowd, coming up to him. Hotch hadn’t changed, and frankly, he didn’t look like he belonged, with his suit and his tie and his too-nice shoes.

“I didn’t exactly ask if you were okay with this.”

Spencer shrugged. “Less okay things have happened. This is something I’ve done before.” He hadn’t expected his team to ever know about it, nor would he have wanted them to, but now that they did… well, at least he could catch a killer.

Hotch gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, so have I.” What? Spencer wanted to ask. How? Why? “You have a smudge in your lipstick. Hold still.” Hotch licked his thumb and wiped at it, framing Spencer's face between his two large hands, and Spencer's words died in his throat, unable to make a sound. The floodlights illuminated the room, casting Hotch's face in bright light and the rest of him in shadow, giving his hickory eyes an odd gleam, his brows drawn together as he worked at wiping away the smear of lipstick at the corner of Spencer's mouth.

When his hands pulled away, Spencer's belly flipped over. He somehow felt hot and cold at the same time. He parted his lips, wanting to ask something, wanting to say something, but he couldn't conceive of the correct words. “Um, thanks—” He tried to push the stammer out of his voice. He didn't think he succeeded.

The announcer called out, “Now introducing Miss Sparrow Wings!” and Hotch offered him a leg up, thrusting him onto the stage before he could ask another question.

Spencer’s heels clicked beneath him as he strolled down the runway. He had done this before, the costume makeup, the dress, the wig, everything—the performance and the anonymity that came with it was all part of the fun. But knowing that somewhere down there, Hotch watched him, gave him some strange and embarrassing thrill. The MC held out the microphone to him. I didn’t have time to prepare an act. The last time, he’d sung a song—badly, but still, it was better than it would’ve been if he had tried to do stand-up, which was his first choice when Peter talked him out of it.

Of course, he had public speaking skills. He could use them.

“Today, I’m going to talk to all of you about string theory.” The crowd cheered. Either they were too drunk to know what he had just said or they thought he was joking. “In summary, string theory is the framework in which the point-like particles of physics are replaced by one-dimensional objects known as strings. String theory describes how these strings propagate through space and interact with one another.” This time, they did not cheer. They mumbled in confusion. “On distance scales larger than the string scale, a string looks just like an ordinary particle, with its mass, charge, and other properties determined by the vibrational state of the string. In string theory, one of the many vibrational states of the string corresponds to the graviton, a quantum mechanical particle that carries gravitational force. Thus string theory is a theory of quantum gravity.”

He scanned the crowd, ignoring the ones sloshing beer at his feet. They had a profile to work with. The man they were looking for would hang back from the main crowd and charm the lone wolves he spotted, the ones whose friend groups had abandoned them, and eventually lead them away. He would not be among the men popping molly crowded around the front of the stage.

Hotch worked along the back walls, patrolling, failing to look inconspicuous. He chose a corner and hovered there with his arms crossed. A younger man approached him, grabbed him by the arm, and gestured in the direction of the glory holes. Spencer’s abdomen clenched with something—jealousy, perhaps?—at the sight, but he forced himself to tear his gaze away. He could not focus on Hotch right now. He was looking for a serial killer.

“Now, you may be asking yourself, how could something be one-dimensional? After all, everything we analyze in basic life is either three-dimensional—like me and you, like this feather boa—” Spencer took the feather boa off from around his neck and tossed it into the crowd. The guy who caught it stumbled and landed on his ass. “—and then there are things that are two dimensional, like the little heart patterns on my panties. You boys will see that if you’re lucky.” Like hell. It kept their attention, though, which was what he needed. “One dimensional objects exist in physics and mathematics. Like on a number line, every single spot on the number line can be indicated by a single digit.”

At the bar, he spotted Peter far below, chatting up the bartender. He sifted over the crowd with his eyes, eager to find anyone looking or acting suspicious. Anyone without friends, keeping to himself, watching the others too closely, approaching loners… There’s a handful of them down there. He spotted a tall man with dark hair clinging to the corner, sipping his own drink. This man wouldn’t be drinking. He wouldn’t compromise his own judgment. But there was every possibility he had a virgin drink to give the appearance of inebriation. It’s all part of the act. Spencer knew about the act.

“Now, the thing about these theoretical dimensions is that they’re difficult to conceive of without some kind of proof. Not easy to believe. But then again, tons of things are unbelievable…” Spencer flipped his wrists over and produced another feather boa, one that had been concealed under the jangly bands on his wrists. “If you believe in magic, the thing about theoretical physics is that everything is magical in its own right—because just like physics, magic always has a logical explanation.”

Spencer spilled a deck of cards over the floor from where he had hidden them. He watched the figure cross the floor to the bar, and he vanished into the crowd where Spencer could not spot him. Shoot. He couldn’t continue to track him like that. He checked the clock. Two more minutes. He could lecture about string theory for two more hours—but he preferred not to have to do it while he was working and appearing on stage in drag.

Running his mouth? That was his expertise.

When his time was over, he swung off the stage and headed toward the bar. Hotch intercepted him only a few steps through the crowd, pushing the surging men away from one another and away from Spencer. “What did you see?”

“Dark-haired white guy, wearing a blazer. He headed toward the bar and I lost him in the crowd.”

“He wouldn’t head into the crowd unless he’s chosen a victim.”

“Yeah, I know. Should we start canvassing?”

Hotch’s dark eyes darted around the room in the flashing lights. “No. If he spots us, he’ll startle and leave, and we’ll have lost our shot. We need to be discreet until we’re sure, and then get him away from this crowd. If we cause a panic, we’ll lose him.” Spencer’s eyes scanned Hotch’s face. “Let’s sit at the bar and wait for him.”

“Together?” Spencer questioned.

“You’re wearing six inch heels. You’re not exactly in position to give chase if we split up,” Hotch pointed out. Spencer mused on this, and then he nodded in agreement; he wouldn’t have very much luck making chase in these shoes, and he didn’t have a gun under this dress, or cuffs, either. Trying to apprehend a suspect in this getup would be ridiculous at best, downright dangerous at worst. He needed to stay with Hotch.

They sat side-by-side at the bar. Spencer reached up and disentangled the poofy, blonde, Dolly Parton-esque wig from his hair and let it fall to the counter with a dull thump. At the sight of it, Hotch gave a muted smile—or something Spencer could only describe as a smile. The disco lights reflected in his eyes, giving them a certain illustrious gleam which drew Spencer into their depths. “The wig suits you. You clean up well.” Clean up well? Spencer felt a lot of things right now, but clean wasn’t one of them. He sat in a seedy club with smoke clogging up the vents, too loud pop music, flashing lights that hurt his eyes, the stench of vomit and liquor and everything in between, and he wore an ill-fitting drag dress with six inch heels, gaudy costume makeup, and a heavy hot wig that someone else had certainly sweated in before him.

The whole thing struck Spencer as fairly bizarre—that Hotch offered him these compliments, the nature of them as a whole. Spencer wondered what, if anything, motivated him to speak in this way. If anything? Something had to be behind it. Hotch would never ordinarily speak to him this way. “Er, thanks,” Spencer said. “It gets really hot,” he admitted, “especially under the floodlights, and… well, this stuff isn’t mine, so I’m trying not to sweat in it.” He didn’t cart drag materials around to work with him in case he needed to go undercover; he’d borrowed everything from Peter, and lord knew who else Peter had loaned it out to over the years.

“I’m sure you wear it better than any of the other twinks that came before you.” Spencer’s face flushed at that. He fisted his hand in the wig on the table, trying to distract himself, and studied the men mulling behind them in the reflections of the glasses and the bottles as they passed by, trying to spot their subject. He went into the crowd around this area.

Every moment they sat here without seeing him was another moment of the possibility he had already chosen his victim, had already led him away, had already packed him up into his vehicle and driven him away to his final destination.

“See anything?” Spencer shook his head. Further down the bar, the distinct sound of Peter’s laughter crowed through the crowd, but Spencer couldn’t see him through the blur of people—nor did he particularly want to. Peter had already managed to humiliate him in front of Hotch once today (more than once, if he was being generous, since almost every word Peter had uttered had sunk Spencer to new depths of embarrassment), and Spencer didn’t care to repeat the event. “Tell me about your friend.”

Weird. Spencer knew they had to talk—they had to give the appearance that they were participating socially here. It wouldn’t look right if they sat here without speaking, and it could head someone off. “Peter? He’s… a lot.” Hotch could’ve asked him about anyone, and he asked him about Peter. Maybe… he’s interested in him? Spencer found that hard to believe, though; he found it difficult to think Hotch could ever be interested in someone like Peter. And besides, Peter had made it pretty clear that he was available for anything Hotch wanted. There was no need for Spencer to act as a liaison between the two of them. The mere thought made Spencer all hot and itchy and uncomfortable on the inside. “He’s not looking to settle down. He just wants to have as much fun as he can.” That was an accurate assessment of Peter.

“And you are? Looking to settle down.”

Spencer fidgeted with the jangly bracelets on his wrists. “Er… I don’t know. I don’t exactly have a settling down type of job, do I?” Hotch looked steadily back at him. This is a weird conversation. “I guess, if I found the right person… I just don’t see it happening, though.” What did Hotch have to gain from asking him these questions? They could’ve talked about anything and it would’ve kept up appearances. Even particle physics would’ve made Spencer more comfortable than he was right now, sharing intimate aspects of his personal life with Hotch at his request. I didn’t even want them to know I was gay.  

In a few short hours, he had gone from completely closeted to his entire team seeing him in drag from head to toe. He didn’t know how he felt about that yet. The ambivalence of the moment plagued him, the satisfaction from knowing he was doing something good to stop a killer, the shame… Oh, the shame. Logic told him he had nothing to be ashamed off, that being gay wasn’t a bad or embarrassing thing, that no one on the team would judge him, that their disparaging remarks were just jokes. But he didn’t want to face those disparaging marks anyway, no matter how teasing. And Morgan would undoubtedly dangle this over his head for the rest of his life, the moment when Sparrow Wings went on stage to spot a killer from above.

Hotch crossed his arms, resting his elbows on the counter in front of them. “You could’ve said something sooner,” he said.

“I know.” Spencer jangled his bracelets. “I didn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

He drummed his fingers on the counter and shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess… I guess JJ said it best, when she and Emily got together, that sometimes it’s easier not to have everyone up in their business. That we don’t really get to have secrets, so when there is something the rest of us don’t know about, it’s pretty sacred.” The rhythm of swinging the bands around his wrists grounded him in the moment. “And, I mean, Morgan is never going to let this go. He’s going to be making digs at me about this for the rest of our lives.”

Hotch inclined his eyebrows. “You’re right about that,” he confirmed grimly. “So you knew about JJ and Prentiss?”

Spencer nodded. “I was the only one who knew,” he said. “But… I didn’t know Rossi and Morgan were taking bets on, y’know, all of this.”

Hotch wore a somewhat grim look upon his face. “They still have one bet out on the rest of us.”

What? Spencer wanted to ask, and he jiggled his bracelets again, and finally, Hotch put his hand over Spencer’s wrist to still it and quiet the jingling. Spencer glanced down at where Hotch’s large hand covered his wrist. His stomach jumped and quivered at the sensation, the warmth of another skin pressing against his. The texture struck him, the roughness, the callouses on Hotch’s hands, the breadth of his grasp and his fingertips. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. He gulped, trying to remember how to breathe and how to speak, because suddenly both of those things seemed incredibly difficult. “Sorry—” His voice sounded strangled, and he wasn’t sure why he apologized—for making the noise that had irritated Hotch, for this weird reaction, for something else, and why was Hotch still touching him?

“Don’t apologize.” Spencer’s lighter eyes darted up to Hotch’s in the shadows of the club. His tongue flitted out across his lips, wetting them. What can I say? Words failed Spencer, and he could only think of something he wanted to do, something which Hotch would almost certainly reject—

There. In the reflection of the wine bottle to Hotch’s right, Spencer saw him. He spun on the barstool, and Hotch whirled around after him. Spencer didn’t point. The man walked right past them. His gaze flicked to Spencer, and he smiled and winked a coy thing, and then he continued through the crowd. “You think that’s our guy?” Spencer asked.

“Yes.” Hotch hopped up from the barstool. “Stay close to him. He’s still rounding the floor, so he hasn’t picked a target yet. We can’t take him until we have evidence of wrongdoing.”

Spencer nodded. The crowd made room for him to pass through; after all, he was five inches taller than normal and wearing a sequin-strewn dress which made it difficult for him to miss. He stuck the blonde wig back on his head so he didn’t have to drag it around in his hand, stuffing it over his hair. The unsub stalked up behind a handful of guys chatting at the bar. Spencer grabbed the empty table directly across from them so they could keep a close eye on him—they wouldn’t risk losing him among the ocean of people again. Spencer’s jaw shifted in discomfort. “If he sees me again, he’s going to know something’s up. I’m too recognizable like this. He’s going to realize we’re following him.”

“We have to risk it.”

From the distance, they could not hear the unsub’s words or see the men he approached, nothing more than their silhouettes, but within a few minutes, it became clear he had targeted one man. He eased this man away from the others, placing himself between him and the rest of the group, secluding him. He waved his hand to the bartender and placed an order, and then his arm reached around the man’s waist, trailing over the small of his back. The unsuspecting victim sidled up close beside the unsub. He turned his head into his embrace. The flashing strobe lights of the club illuminated the victim’s silhouette. Spencer’s eyes widened. The man tossed his head back and laughed a familiar, braying laugh. Spencer upstarted from his seat—

Hotch’s arm coiled around his waist and anchored him to the spot. “Don’t.”

“That’s Peter! ” Spencer’s heart clenched in his chest.

“He’s safe. We’re watching him. They won’t get out of our line of sight.” Spencer tried to wriggle out from under Hotch’s arm, which fit all too well around his waist, like something familiar, like something meant to be there, like hundreds of millions of years of evolution had transpired just to lead to this moment where Hotch’s arm was meant to fit around his middle and hold him there, almost pressing their bodies against one another. “If you go now, you’ll blow our cover, he’ll pick a different club, and we’ll have more victims before we have a chance to catch him again. Do you want that to happen?”

Reluctantly, Spencer settled down in his chair, his face and stomach both churning. Everything inside of him constricted like a snake, tense and hot. Hotch did not withdraw his arm. “We can’t let them get out of this building.”

“And we won’t.” Hotch was making a promise—Spencer understood that. He prayed it wasn’t a promise he was going to break. “Can I trust you not to fling yourself at them like Norman Bates wearing his mother’s clothes, or do I need to keep holding you in place?”

Spencer’s face flamed. He sucked his front teeth. “Maybe,” he said softly, “you can trust me…” Or maybe I like this, the way it is right now.  

“Maybe?” Hotch arched an eyebrow, daring Spencer to say something else.

Spencer held his gaze. He did not fold. Sparrow Wings, after all, did not fold. She was a powerful woman, and she wouldn’t buckle, no matter how Hotch stared at her, and she would have no problem telling him exactly what she wanted—but she also didn’t give a flying fuck if Spencer was still employed tomorrow, so Spencer had to make some executive decisions on how much he allowed her influence to take over right now. “Or maybe… I think this is good for our undercover act. Maybe I think we blend right in, like this.”

The scent of Hotch’s cologne wafted off of his body from the proximity between them. In spite of Spencer’s layers of clothes and the heavy makeup and that damn wig (he left it on now, in case he needed to make a run for it and didn’t want to leave it behind), he craved the warmth bleeding through Hotch’s suit, the heat metabolized by Hotch’s blood and tissues through every minute of every day. Spencer found it intoxicating.

He didn’t imbibe any longer, but if he wanted to get drunk on anything, he thought he would start with the scent of Hotch’s cologne.

“Is that so?” Hotch asked, and his words sounded almost like a dare. “This is good for being undercover?” Spencer nodded. “Is that all?”

Spencer opened his mouth to respond, but the unsub began to turn, as if to glance behind him, and Spencer didn’t have a moment to think; at the first glimpse of movement, Hotch grabbed him, spun him around with his back to the unsub, and dragged him into a bruising, open-mouthed kiss. Spencer blinked hard, once, twice, This is a dream, this whole thing has been a weird dream, I’m going to wake up now and it’s going to make so much sense— Hotch’s hands intertwined in his wig, obscuring as much as his body from view as possible, and Spencer watched in the reflection of the wine glasses on the table as the unsub surveyed the room behind him and did not take note of Spencer, in spite of his colorful garb.

After all, two guys shoving their tongues down each other’s throats were pretty inconspicuous in the middle of a gay club.

The rough stubble from Hotch’s face scratched into Spencer’s, chin to chin, cheek to cheek. The unsub had turned around, but Hotch didn’t stop, molding Spencer’s mouth to his own like a potter over a lump of clay. Their tongues twisted and danced to the beat of the flashing lights and dropping bass, until Hotch pulled away and Spencer gasped for breath. His head spun. His limbs felt heavy. His stomach felt light. His head felt like butterflies had tossed out every piece of information he had ever known and now battered their wings against the inside of his skull, seeking a way out.

Arm around Peter’s back, the unsub pulled back from the bar, and they walked away from the bar, all wound up in one another. Hotch jumped up, hand wrapped around the inside of Spencer’s elbow, and jogged after them. “Do you know where they’re going?”

Spencer shook the delirium from the forefront of his mind. “Exit A, it’s the easiest way out without being spotted—”

“You stay on them, I’ll go around back, and we should be able to trap him.”

Before Spencer could say another word, Hotch vanished from sight, and Spencer trotted after the unsub and Peter, keeping them in his sights. He folded himself back between a pillar and the wall when the unsub glanced behind them, and when they rounded the corner, Spencer caught up to them, watching as they approached the exit.

The red lights from the sign marking the outlet illuminated their faces. “Before we go,” purred the unsub, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” He held his hands behind his back. Spencer spotted the refraction of light off of the blade of the knife he concealed. “Are you ready?” Peter nodded. “Close your eyes…”

“FBI!” Spencer ducked out from his hiding place in the shadows. “Put your hands up! You’re under arrest!” Hotch is right outside, he’s waiting right outside this door—

“Spencer, what the hell? We were just about to—” The knife clattered to the floor, and the door swung open. The unsub sprinted through the door out into the darkness of the night.

Spencer chased after him. “Stay right here!” he called over his shoulder to Peter.

The unsub vaulted himself over the railing of the short staircase and landed clumsily on the asphalt. Spencer hit the railing. He couldn’t climb over it—if he landed wrong in these shoes, he’d snap an ankle. Hotch rounded the corner. Spencer tore the shoes off his feet. “Where’s he going?”

Holding the heels in his left hand, Spencer jumped over the railing. “Around the block—you go that way, there’s an old plywood fence, he’ll come over that and meet you, I’ll stay behind him—”

His bare feet slapped the stony surface of the asphalt, kicking up old loose pebbles, splinters, and shattered glass, as again he and Hotch separated. In hot pursuit of the unsub, Spencer did not let the pain in his feet distract him. The shadow of the unsub up ahead circled the block, headed toward the fence, where Spencer had known he would try to climb to escape.

He flung himself up over the fence. Spencer stood there, watching him. From the other side, Hotch called, “FBI! Put your hands up!”

The unsub teetered there on top of the fence for a moment. He looked down at Hotch, then back at Spencer… and he dropped back onto Spencer’s side of the fence. Hotch discharged his weapon, but he missed. The bullet glanced off of the side of the brick wall beside them and ricocheted. Oh, shit. The unsub barreled toward Spencer.

Spencer didn’t have a weapon. He didn’t have handcuffs, or a taser, or a baton. He had himself, his wig, his bare feet, and the stilettos in his left hand—in his hand as he held up his hands to brace himself for impact as the unsub jumped on top of him.

The man intended to knock Spencer down and keep going. Spencer grabbed onto him, hands fisting into his clothes, dragging him to the asphalt. Spencer’s dress tore where it caught under his feet. “Don’t go anywhere!” Spencer couldn’t overpower him, but he could stall him long enough for Hotch to get over the fence and help.

An elbow shoved across Spencer’s face. Pain shot through his nose. White light blinded him. He tasted blood. A hand clawed its way into his mouth. He snapped his teeth together. He tasted more blood. “Get off me, you stupid fairy!” The man thrashed. Spencer took his left hand, the one with the shoes, and smacked him in the face.

The resulting shriek of agony shook the alleyway. The brick walls trembled with the power of it. Spencer, blinking through the pain, landed on top of the unsub with both knees between his shoulder blades, hands pinning the man’s arms to the ground, but he didn’t try to fight anymore. Now, he only tried to curl up into a ball, hands reaching for his own face, where the heel of one of Spencer’s stilettos had penetrated his eye, the shoe still fixed there and dangling.

Hotch vaulted himself over the fence. “What the hell, Reid?” Spencer wiped a smear of blood away from his nose, sliding off of the unsub when Hotch took him and cuffed him. “What’s the matter with you?”

Spencer stiffened. “I don’t have a gun. I had to improvise.” I didn’t exactly intend to impale his eye with my high heel, but it stopped him.

“So you weaponized stilettos ?” Hotch repeated, aghast. “Why aren’t you concealed carrying?”

“Do you see anywhere for me to conceal a weapon in this outfit?”

Hotch scanned Spencer, his heavy costume makeup sweating off, his blonde wig all askew, his skintight dress torn, many of his jangly bracelets lost in the chase, his bare feet cut and bloodied from racing along the glass-littered pavement, blood trickling down his nose. His gaze lingered on Spencer in an almost affectionate way. “Not the kind of weapon we use.”

Spencer’s whole body flushed.

The unsub turned his head from where Hotch pressed his face into the concrete. “It hurts! ” he wailed desperately. “My eye! You ugly fag, my eye —”

Hotch pressed one broad hand to the column of his throat. “If you call him that again, I’ll finish the job with the other shoe.”

A tingle rushed through Spencer as the unsub squeaked and fell into silence.

…

At Quantico, Spencer looked at himself in the mirror of the men’s bathroom, his face still dirty and stained from wrestling the unsub on the ground. His feet had pressure wrappings around them where they fit in his shoes; the paramedics had painstakingly dug the glass out of the soles of his feet and then treated the wounds. With gauze stuffed up the bleeding nostril of his nose, he looked worse for wear, though he had returned to his preferred clothes—his pants, his sweater vest, his long-sleeved shirt.

He stared at his reflection, hair all dirty and messy, face beginning to break out from the low quality makeup. Huh, he thought as he looked at himself. The whole thing felt so surreal. Had Hotch really kissed him? Had Hotch really put an arm around his body to hold him in place? Had Hotch really planted the heel of his hand against a man’s throat and threatened to blind him if he said another word against Spencer?

Was Hotch really entering the bathroom right now, silently nearing him, reaching for the paper towels, wetting one with warm water, pressing it to Spencer’s face, wiping away the itchy makeup and the dirt?

“You alright?” Hotch’s voice breached the calm. He smoothed the paper towel down Spencer’s face, not enough to hurt him, but firmly enough to take away most of the heavy makeup and dirt. When he’d soiled one paper towel, he wetted another one.

In the mirror, as Hotch stripped the layers of grime from his face, the rash underneath became more apparent. “Yeah,” Spencer replied. “I’m fine.” He looked away from his reflection in the mirror and glimpsed at Hotch’s face, afraid to let his gaze linger for too long—afraid of what he would or wouldn’t see. “Can I ask you something?” Hotch gave a noncommittal hum of agreement. “Why are you still here? Everyone else went home.”

Hotch ceased his ministrations, having gotten the most grime off of Spencer’s face, and he returned his gaze, a surprisingly tender expression on his face. “You made a pretty big sacrifice to catch this guy, and I owe it to you to make sure you’re okay.” Spencer grunted in response. He wondered if Hotch had something else to say. “Have you talked to Peter?”

Oh. Right. Again, Hotch expressed interest in Peter, and again, Spencer wondered if he meant to suggest something else. “Yeah. Yeah, he’s—he’s shaken up, but he’ll be alright. I think he’s thinking about taking a break from the club, though.” Hotch opened a tube of cream—anti-itch cream, Spencer noted. He squirted a small amount onto his fingertips and applied it to the rash covering Spencer’s face. “How did you…”

“You always get sun poisoning when we’re in the field,” Hotch said. The intimacy of this moment took Spencer aback, his face in Hotch’s hands as Hotch massaged a soothing lotion into his skin. “I thought the cosmetics might irritate your skin.” Spencer didn’t know what to say in response. “When will I get the opportunity to see Sparrow Wings again?” he asked as he capped the tube of lotion, having rubbed the cream into Spencer’s skin completely, leaving no residue.

Spencer puffed a short breath from his nose. “I think Sparrow Wings is retired permanently.” He spun his watch around his wrist. It didn’t jangle annoyingly like the bracelets had. “Everybody’s going to know she’s an undercover cop now. Gay people don’t like it when cops invade their spaces. The last time it happened, there was this big riot. You may have heard about it.” He crossed his arms, guarding himself—from what, he wasn’t quite sure. Was Hotch just mocking him in some elaborate joke? Asking about his drag persona, asking about Peter, cleaning his face, applying the medicated lotion, was it all some farce?

Spencer didn’t think so, but he also knew better than to trust anyone’s intentions.

A small, easy smile spread across Hotch’s face. “Then maybe I could arrange a private show.”

Spencer studied Hotch’s face in the strange, fluorescent light of the bathroom, seeking any hint of deception upon him, but he found nothing—nothing but the same steady and forthright look in those hickory eyes. Spencer’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “Are you…” He didn’t know how to finish the sentence, the question, any of it.

Yet, Hotch still understood. “I am.” Hotch kissed him again. Now, Spencer understood, too. Hotch severed the kiss. “If you are—”

“I am.”

Hotch breathed a short sigh of relief. “Rossi and Morgan break even again.”

Spencer paused. “What?”

“The last bet. Rossi’s money is on this.”

Spencer blinked in surprise. Then, he shrugged. “Guess it’s better if they don’t owe each other.” He followed Hotch out of the bathroom, feeling lighter than he had felt in years.

[gra-sonas]

Alex Manes - an essay

Alright, my inbox is bursting with asks, and I’ll get to them (tomorrow, it’s almost midnight D: ), but I’ve been thinking about this all day while trying to work (had to get up and angrily pace my flat several times), and I had to write it all down to get it off my chest. (Also, I’m sorry, but once again Tumblr won’t let me add a Read More, after two attempts at creating new posts with a Read More, I’m giving up 🙈)

As viewers, we’ve been introduced to two different versions of Alex.

Alex at 17

wears mostly black

puts on nail polish, eyeliner and jewellery, including a stud earring and a septum piercing

loves skateboarding

plays the guitar

works at the UFO Emporium

his mom, a Native American woman from a New  Mexican tribe left the family when he was younger

has 3 brothers, presumably they’re all older than Alex

Alex at 27/28

a soldier, he’s been in the Air Force for a decade

a decorated purple heart airman with three deployments under his belt

an amputee, he lost part of his right leg in an attack in Iraq, sometimes uses a crutch

a codebreaker who's hacked into Russian and Chinese intelligence

a man who still dips fries into his milkshake

the nail polish, spiky hair, piercings and jewellery are gone

Alex wears fatigues occasionally, his civil clothes are mostly neutral colored shirts/jeans (until The Leather Jacket™ in 1x13)

we don’t know whether he still plays the guitar

his brothers are also all military, Flint (~2 years older than Alex) is a Special Forces Weapons Sergeant with the US Army

Quotes from/about Alex’s youth (incl. Jesse’s abuse)

1x01, Alex: "We're not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.“

✧→ 17 year old Alex hoped to escape his father one day, he dreamt of making music. His  hopes were shattered that day in the toolshed, and Alex hasn’t allowed himself to go for what he wants since then - including Michael.

1x02, Alex: “Made me think about... I don't know, who I was when this started. Before I went to war.”

1x05, Kyle: “Do you remember that night your dad made us set up that tent to teach us extreme weather survival?” Alex: “Yeah. Your dad had driven home for the night, so mine concocted a brand-new form of kiddie torture.”

1x05, Alex: “My dad was a homophobic, abusive dick."

1x05: Alex: “The dad I got was a monster. Is a monster.” Kyle: “Because he sent you off to war?” Alex: “My father was my war. And your dad saw it, when we were kids. Do you remember the summer - that we built the tree house?” Kyle: “Yeah.” Alex: “That's the summer that my dad found out I was gay. He knew before I did. He thought he could beat it out of me. Jim tried to intervene. But you can't make someone stop hating someone. And my dad hated me.”

✧→ Alex is talking about his father/childhood matter-of-factly, but the language he’s using to describe his childhood allows a glimpse at the hell he went through: torture (through extreme survival trainings), homophobic abuse, his dad is a monster, sent him to war, for years tried beating the gay out of Alex, Jesse hates him. This is not just a homophobic remark his dad made at the dinner table, this informs us about years of violence and abuse Alex endured at the hands of his father.

1x06, Alex: “Things at my house suck.“

✧→ Many teenagers will probably say this at some point while growing up, this isn’t about Alex being upset about a curfew, or having to do his homework tho. This is as much as Alex will disclose about the ongoing abuse.

1x06: Alex: “Dad, this has nothing to do with you.“ Jesse: “Everything you do... everything. And I will not be humiliated.“

✧→  This is Alex, terrified of what his dad might do. And he knows that Jesse will do something (he’s already picked up the hammer). Alex expects violence, because that’s what his dad has done to him numerous times. 😔

1x07, Mimi: "You look like your dad today." Alex: "Oh, good. I was hoping that the rage face might skip a generation."

1x08, Alex: “I've been looking for leverage my entire life.“

✧→ “My entire life”, a clear indication that having Jesse as a dad’s never been a walk in the park, Alex just got the special ‘anti gay’ treatment as a bonus when he got older.

1x08, Alex: “When I was...- I wanted to make music. You sent me to war.“

✧→ Alex at 17 wanted to make music, and although he never says it, I think it’s implied that he never planned to join the military. Jesse didn’t give him a choice though, he made Alex enlist, probably threatening him with what he’d do to Michael if Alex didn’t do as he was told.

1x08, Alex: "Why are you trying to frame Michael? Haven't you done enough to him?"

1x08, Alex: "Do not talk to me about unprovoked violence!"

1x09, Michael: "And what do you want to say, Alex?” Alex: That I loved you. And I think that you loved me. For a long time.” Michael: “Yeah.” Alex: "But we didn't even know each other that well, did we? I mean, we just, we-we connected, - like something… -“ Michael: “Cosmic.” Alex: "Yeah, but we didn't even do that much talking."

1x10, Alex: "My dad is a bigot with no moral compass."

1x12, Flint (to Alex): "You ever get tired of being the black sheep of the family?"

1x13, Alex: "Look... I shouldn't have left you behind when I enlisted. I could... I could stand here and tell you that I didn't want to leave, but I did. After what my dad did to you, I just, I... I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. But now I-I look in the mirror, and I-I don't even see myself sometimes. I see my father. I'm still fighting his battles. Not mine."

✧→ It’s kinda implied that Alex never wanted to enlist, but once Jesse forced him to do it, he tried to make the most of it. He wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. He was also looking for leverage, something he could use to take his dad down.

✧→  Alex at 17 wanted to get out, he wanted to make music and live life his way. Since Jesse was going to beat him for being gay anyway, he’d at least wear what he wanted, put on make up, and wear jewellery. Jesse hadn’t manage to break Alex.

✧→ The shed incident changed everything, because someone else got hurt. And from Alex’s POV it was because of Alex. Because he’d been selfish. He’d wanted Michael. And because of that Michael got injured.

Now that we’ve established the basics, onto Carina’s statement.

“Alex was too ashamed of Michael  (not of being gay, which Maria knew, but of michael specifically) to name him to Maria for 10 years - until he saw Maria as a threat.” [x]

✧→ At 17, we saw how much Alex cared about Michael, that he wanted him safe and warm bc nights twere too cold to sleep in the car. That’s why Alex offered Michael to stay in the shed. He liked Michael, and he wanted to spend time with him. He even brought Michael a guitar bc he thought Michael would like to play. None of Alex’s behavior gives any indication that he was ashamed of Michael before the shed incident.

✧→ 17 year old Alex was afraid of his father, no surprise after years of abuse, but he also seemed confident, defiant even, believing he could handle it for a little bit longer until he’d finished high school and would finally be able to leave to make music. Despite living under Jesse’s roof, he dressed in all black, openly wore make up, nail polish, and jewellery/piercings, refusing to be another picture perfect son of his military father. We didn’t see it on screen, but given Jesse’s homophobic views, Alex’s behavior very likely caused his father to punish him in some way for it.

✧→  Then Michael kissed Alex at the UFO Emporium, Alex kissed back, one thing lead to another and they ended up at the shed where they had sex for the first time. It was Michael’s first time with a guy, we don’t know whether it was Alex’s first time tho. Alex still didn’t show any signs of being ashamed of Michael.

They were SO in love and happy in that moment. 🥺

✧→  When Jesse and the hammer happened, and it changed everything. Up until that moment, Alex had been used to his father’s abuse, he’d been strong enough, he’d been convinced he could take it, but this time someone else got badly hurt, and I think that broke something in Alex.

✧→  We never saw how things played out for Alex after Michael left the shed, all we know is that Jesse made Alex enlist. And given Jesse’s preference for blackmailing (he blackmailed Jenna, and Alex asked Flint what Jesse had on him) it’s probably fair to assume that Jesse threatened to go after Michael should Alex not do as he says.

Alex didn’t tell Maria for a decade because he was ashamed of Michael (at 17)?

Say what now???

There are several good reasons why Alex wouldn’t have told her, but shame isn’t one of them... I’m sure Alex thought of Maria as a trustworthy friend back then, but the most important reason why he wouldn’t reveal who ‘museum guy’ was would be the one the straight showrunner of the show’s apparently not aware of:

Alex would’ve outed Michael (without Michael’s consent I’d like to add) to Maria by telling her who it was. As a gay kid in 2008, I’m sure Alex was very well aware of LGBTQ etiquette, and the first rule of queer club is, you don’t out a fellow queer. And guess who’d just experience a brutal attack because he’s queer? Why would Alex ever consider outing Michael and potentially putting him at risk???

The outing reason alone would be enough to explain why Alex never told her who it was. And in 1x10 he didn’t outright out Michael either, Maria realized it was Guerin and Alex reluctantly confirmed (there was no way for him to plausibly deny it).

1x10, Alex: “It is just a standard, run-of-the-mill boy problem. Oh, come on. Don't give me psychic face, Maria.” Maria: “It's the guy from the museum, the one that kissed you into crazy stupid love when we were kids. He's back?” Alex: “Wha... How-how do you do that?” Maria: “You're just... I feel it, you're-you're hopeful, like you were before. Who is he? Come on, spill it. I've been waiting ten years for this. - Come on.” Alex: “You... you wouldn't believe it.” Maria: “It's not like you're hooking up with Wyatt Long or Michael Guerin or something. Geez. Please tell me you're in love with Wyatt Long. Wow.” Alex: “Michael's not so bad after a shower. But you know that.” Maria: “I had no idea...” Alex: “I know. I mean, how would you?” Maria: “It meant nothing, Alex. Seriously, I swear, it was just a drunk, dusty, no-good Texas rounder."

Another reason why Alex wouldn’t necessarily have told Maria: Alex was traumatized by what happened at the shed. This wasn’t just the ‘normal’ kind of abuse he endured on the regular (which is a boatload of trauma all of its own), someone else had been hurt, someone Alex liked, and because Alex liked him. On top of that Jesse likely threatened him. There’s no way Alex wasn’t scared and deeply traumatized. It’s fairly common that victims of abuse don’t tell anyone about it, out of fear even more bad things could happen, there’s surely also a lot of shame and self-blaming involved.

Alex also knew that Michael was homeless, and probably not yet of age. Jesse could’ve threatened Alex to put Michael back into the system or whatnot.

Absolutely NOTHING we’ve seen on screen suggests that Alex was ashamed of Michael when they were 17. Alex joined the military afterwards, and was away for a decade. Not many opportunities to talk about it to Maria, but again, the first reason (outing Michael) is a perfectly valid reason not to tell her for an entire decade. And this being a major trauma, Alex probably didn’t feel like opening that box again after such a long time.

And wow, claiming that Alex waited to tell Maria (which isn’t exactly what happened) because she felt threatened by her? Sure, Alex just waited for the right moment. 🙄

Is Alex ashamed of Michael at 27/28?

In 1x03 it seems like Alex let’s his father’s words get to him. “Seems to me the only one you're embarrassing is yourself, son.“ I’ve always interpreted this as a thinly veiled threat tho, and Alex, on instinct, immediately put distance between himself and Michael. Because before he talked to his father? Alex was perfectly happy to be seen with Michael, if he'd been ashamed, as Carina claims, he wouldn’t have approached Michael in public in the first place.

This is also how I read the scene in 1x02: “What happened at the reunion cannot happen again.“ In the pilot, Jesse had been part of the group of soldiers poking around Michael’s Airstream, and Alex saw the way his father looked at them talking. Then they kissed at the reunion, and I’m sure it felt so good and like coming home, but the fear of what Jesse could do if he found out was back the next morning, and Alex once more tried to put distance between himself and Michael to keep Michael save.

This is not an excuse for Alex pushing Michael away, not an excuse for Alex to call him a criminal either. That is absolutely shitty behavior and not okay. I just don’t buy this ‘Alex is ashamed of Michael’ shtick.

Friendly reminder that Maria did not only tell Alex in 1x10 “It meant nothing, Alex. Seriously, I swear, it was just a drunk, dusty, no-good Texas rounder.", here’s what she said in her next scene with Guerin:

1x10, Maria: “We're closed. - You found my necklace.” Michael: “Clasp broke. I fixed it. I think it calls for a celebration. And by celebration, I mean booze, preferably the free kind.” Maria: “Alex is one of my best friends.” Michael: “Congrats.” Maria: “I never would have slept with you if I knew you two had history. It can't happen again.”

So in 1x10 Maria

learned Michael is 'museum guy’

realized that Alex is in love with Michael (still), and hopeful

swore to Alex it was a one time thing and that it meant nothing

told Michael that Alex is one of her best friends (and you don’t go after your best friends’ love interests)

she would’ve never slept with Michael had she known

she also says it can’t happen again

And yet Carina’s surprised why many few fans don’t understand

what made Maria ignore Liz’s advice to talk to Alex (which would’ve been the fair thing to do, no one’s mad at Maria for catching feelings, it’s that she acted on them without talking to Alex first what upsets and angers people)

why Maria invited Michael to kiss her just 3 episodes later

why she’s still chasing after Michael 2 weeks later without having talked to Alex

she’ll continue to go after Michael but still won’t talk to Alex

and therefore some are having a hard time not to dislike Maria to some degree? Okay...

Either way, imo Alex was definitely not ashamed of Michael at 17, and I don’t see much evidence of him being ashamed of Michael at 27/28.

Apart from that, shame is for sure NOT the reason why Alex never told Maria.

Alright, this got LONG, but it I had to write it all down. I think I provided facts in the form of dialogue quotes. In addition, I’m sharing my interpretation of these facts.

I don’t claim that I’m right, I don’t claim that I know more than Carina (who seems to have forgotten some things she herself wrote tho), none of that. This is my interpretation of what happened, based on what we saw on screen, what’s been said by the characters, and what we know about the different characters involved.

I also don’t claim that Alex didn’t do anything wrong, that he’s a saint, or whatnot. But I strongly disagree with the notion that by not telling Maria Alex is somehow to blame for her going after Michael.

[questcat44]

Thoughts while reading CDTH

Really just what it says on the tin. Some of the thoughts I had while reading CDTH under the cut.

Poor Declan being described as dull. He never struck me as dull, just secretive and trying to hide all those secrets with a facade of normality. His POVs aren’t dull either, so check and mate, Prologue.

Even though the sampler ended on a cliffhanger, I knew that Ronan wouldn’t be able to stay in Cambridge. Still hurts though. And he’s stagnating so badly.

Side note: I wish Ronan would just dream something that would make visiting Adam easier, like a door that opened to whatever room Adam was in or something. But I know, I know, that wouldn’t solve the problem of Ronan stagnating. Still, I’m sure he’d feel a little better if he could visit his bf whenever he wanted while he’s trying to find purpose or whatever.

Even though I want to see more Adam and have him be involved in the plot somehow, that would mean shit going down and disrupting his Harvard life. And I don’t want that bc he’s worked so hard for it and deserves all the happiness. So at the same time, I want Adam to have nothing to do with the plot lol

Love that Declan thinks about Adam as a positive influence and admires his calculating, ambitious nature. Slytherin Adam all the way.

Also, I’m glad Declan’s POV shows he isn’t homophobic when it comes to Adam and Ronan, just worried about what it could mean for Ronan and their family. Just like I thought way back in TDT when he narrowed his eyes at Ronan throwing his legs over Adam in the backseat of the Pig. Feels so good to be validated when others just thought he was a homophobe. 

Jordan’s a dream. Interesting POV. I thought she might be a Visionary so that we have a dreamer, a hunter, and a Visionary as main characters, but I like having a dream as a POV character too. But now, I’m worried about Adam as a Visionary again.

Still big mad at how Niall treated Declan. Ronan too, for that matter. Why didn’t he teach Ronan anything about dreaming?!

Ooh I’ve always kinda wondered since TRC if Aurora was based off a real person and it looks like that might be the case

I’m enjoying the Gansey and Blue cameos. Ronan is finally using his phone properly bc he has to to keep in touch with his friends.

Ronan is such an unreliable narrator. Yeah, maybe Declan is disappointed in you about the nightwash. Or maybe he’s WORRIED ABOUT YOU

Oh shit. Is that a dream!Ronan?!?! Did Niall dream him? Or Ronan when he was younger and doesn’t remember? Or maybe Not!Aurora did?

Is it weird that I like Jordan more than Hennessy? Since they started as the same person. Or, I mean, that’s the point—that Jordan is distinctly her own person and deserves to live her life as such.

Adam says I love you. Out loud. To Ronan. Take that, haters who said Adam doesn’t love Ronan as much as Ronan loves him.

The Tamquam alter idem thing is so sweet. I love it and it fits them perfectly.

So, the other Ronan isn’t a Ronan at all but a Niall. Or another kid of Niall’s. There’s too many people running around looking or acting similar to Niall.

I didn’t expect the Jordan/Declan romance going into this book, but I like it.

The more that’s revealed about Visionaries, the more I really hope Adam doesn’t become one.

Adam is driving the motorcycle Ronan dreamed for him!! He came home to surprise Ronan!! To spend time with him for his birthday and help him with Bryde!!!!

I’m glad new readers are gonna see Adam work his magic. Also, Adam and Ronan have intentionally met in dreamspace multiple times. Amazing

I hope that’s the infamous “Adam began to scream” line bc it looked different when MS posted it on Twitter and I don’t want to have to go through this again.

Adam and Ronan are so soft for each other. I love it.

I’m having such Declan feels. He’s had to watch over his brothers since he was a kid himself and he still has to take care of them now and he’s under all this stress, so much so that he dreams of disappearing :(

I like that we get Ronan’s thoughts on events from TRC that were in another person’s POV, like Ronan punching Adam’s father or Ronan dreaming up the stuff to frame Colin Greenmantle.

Declan taking Chainsaw with him to make sure she’d be ok bc he knew Ronan would be sad if anything happened to her is so sweet. See, Ronan, Declan cares about you and is just trying his best.

Ooh Declan finally gets a car scene with his love interest like Ronan/Adam and Gansey/Blue did in TRC lol

I hope part of dreams living without their dreamers doesn’t involve the dreamer dying. I’m getting very suspicious of Bryde.

So that random girl accidentally killing people with sound is a Visionary. I feel like this makes Adam less likely to become a Visionary since we now have her and idk if there can be two newer Visionaries operating in the same-ish area at the same time. Whew

One of my theories while reading TRC for why Declan was the odd brother out was that he had a different mother and it looks like I was right. But poor Declan, feeling like he’s a fake Lynch brother.

So did Not!Aurora dream a dream!Niall?

Lol Ronan’s contact for Adam is Management

Do I sense something going on between Carmen and Liliana? At least in Carmen’s future and Liliana’s past. So confusing. 

Why isn’t Adam answering his phone?!?!

Noooo!! The book ends with Adam still not answering his phone and Ronan going on the run, so we might not see Adam for a long time. I know a lot of other things are happening, but I just want more Adam. Yes, Adam is one of my favorite characters of all time. How could you tell? Lol            

[alistircrat]

Hetalila Fanfiction Recs

Here’s a list of some of my favorite Hetalia fanfictions. Most have pairings, which I’ll specify. I put this up because I know I’m always on the lookout for good fanfiction and I wanted to help out anyone else who’s in the same boat :D Feel free to add onto this or rec me some too ;) Also a good master list of the ones I like LMAO. I’ve noticed I either like tragic, angsty fanfiction or really fluffy ones. A lot are rated M. And a LOT of USUK and Spamano #srynotsry Disclaimer: I did not write any of these; they all belong to their respective authors.

Update: Ive had this sitting in my drafts for like over 4 years and i began it when i was super into hetalia n fanfiction LMAO, what better time to post this when i should be studying lmao its nearly 4 am halp

UsUK

The Secret : Rated T, 32k words, 5 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Arthur's sister, engaged to prince Alfred, is killed before she even meets him. Arthur's parents do not want to shame themselves by ending the engagement and force Arthur to dress like his sister and marry Alfred instead. But can this secret be kept? (note: very interesting!! I loved every second of it)

The Courting of Alfred Jones : Rated M, 26k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Hurt/Comfort, Incomplete Alfred Jones is the most popular guy in school and also extremely homophobic. This is why Arthur is his new favourite 'victim', but Arthur has no intentions of grovelling in the dust for him. Punk!ArthurxJock!Alfred (note: Rated M, so there IS some explicit material and I advise viewer discretion. Another highschool AU. Sad that it’s probably not going to finish but it’s worth the read)

When I Only Wanted to Save the World : Rated M, 29k words, 11 chapter, Romance, Complete Alfred is a firefighter in New York City. When he gets badly injured, he takes a trip to London to recover. There he meets a man named Arthur, who ends up helping him recover from wounds he didn't even know he had. (note: warmed my weeb heart)

United Again : Rated T, 31k words, 7 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Arthur gets a letter in the mail informing him of his school's ten year reunion.

Unexpected : Rated T, 5.7k words, One-shot, Humor/Drama, Complete World Academy. When Arthur was asked to tutor the star of the American Football team, he expected several things. Sitting in an apartment full of Asian children was not one of them. (cute!)

The Invitational Year : Rated M, 208k words, 41 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Alfred is an awkward dork, despite the fact his dad is President. Arthur is a member of British royalty, and he's a perfectionist loner. Both boys are given an invitation to attend the prestigious World Academy and, naturally, they're roomies. (note: A favorite of mine! Quite long but very much worth it. Highschool AU. Can be silly yet dramatic. Anyways, you should read it! Viewer discretion due to sexual themes)

The Sophomore Year : Rated M, 173k words, 34 chapter, Romance/Drama, Complete After meeting at boarding school, Alfred and Arthur became unlikely friends and then lovers. Now, they'll face their sophomore year in America and all the challenges that come with being young, famous, and madly in love. (note: sequal to The Invitational Year)

And All That Jazz : Rated M, 98k words, 22 chapters, Romance, Complete Alfred is approached by the Student Body President, Arthur, for help on his math exam. They hate each other, but maybe opposites can attract with the help of something unexpected. (note: I love this fic. Highschool AU. Also involves music...cuz liek yknow the title)

1912 : Rated T, 52k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Cynical, overweight and bored in the dull twilight of his empire, Arthur finds distraction in the form of rekindling his relationship with Alfred on board the RMS Titanic during her doomed maiden voyage.

The Arrow was Shot : Rated K+, 5.8k words, One-shot, Romance, Complete In order to win his family's respect, Arthur enters a tournament to win the Princess of America's hand in marriage. At the tournament, he befriends the mysterious Alfred- a fellow competitor who is equally determined to win. As he and Alfred grow closer, he begins to question what is more important to him: his family's respect... or Alfred.

Flirting with Failure : Rated T, 2k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred just wanted to get one date with Arthur Kirkland before the semester ended. To do that he had to speak with him. Thus, he was set up for failure.

Hero Frequency : Rated T, 12k words, 3 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete America's got the coolest and most awesome band in school, and he's totally going to win the Battle of the Bands contest. Or at least he might, if he can get England to put aside their past issues long enough to play guitar...

The Gentleman and the Hero : Rated T, 57k words, 21 chapters, Romance, Complete World Academy students have been paired up for an anonymous email exchange program, so they can talk to someone about school and personal problems in private. These are the emails of two students nicknamed 'The Gentleman' and 'The Hero'. (note: I also love this. I find it very cute and also very in character. I want an email buddy lol. Highschool AU)

Breathless : Rated T, 35k words, 4 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Arthur Kirkland never thought that golden boy Alfred Jones would ever have a reason to attempt suicide. Then again, how much did he really know about the oh so popular blonde? The rumor mill would surely chew him up and spit him out. (note: p sure this is another favorite of mine. Though angsty, I really enjoyed the development between the two. Highschool AU. Really great read!!)

Static : Rated T, 45k words, 9 chapters, Drama/Romance, Incomplete Sequel to Breathless. Arthur always thought that the incident with Alfred's arms would forever be the biggest hurdle their friendship would face. But as the looks change and the touches linger, it becomes frightfully clear that he was dead wrong about that. (note: continues after Breathless, but not finished ): worth the read anyway)

Ask Me Anything : Rated T, 7k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred starts to follow Arthur on tumblr. It's not long until they become friends... and possibly more.

The Cost of Affection : Rated M, 61k words, 32 chapters, Angst/Romance, Incomplete Being a whore is easy: all Arthur has to do is spread his legs and take the money. He doesn't have to face his past; nor does he have to deal with love. And for good reason - because when he does fall head-over-heels for someone, he's forced to realize that his sins go beyond prostitution, and that even as he rediscovers himself, his past is coming back to haunt him after all.

You Can’t Take the Sky Away From Me : Rated T, 113k words, 32 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Incomplete Ace pilot America is on a mission for the World Military when a chance encounter with a group of sky-pirates leads him to team up with their captain, England, against a malevolent group that wants to fill the sky with zeppelins. (note: Steampunk AU. This is a really cool fic!)

We’ll Meet Again : Rated M, 43k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred's charms... just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war. (note: a hetalia fandom clASSIC. MUST READ. unfortunately the OG fics were deleted so someone reposted it, giving credit to the OG author George deValier. this will rip ur heart out n tape it poorly back together)

Franada

La Patisserie de La Rose : Rated M, 35k words, 6 chapters, Romance, Complete Accountant Matthew Williams is used to being unnoticed, ignored, and forgotten. That is until pastry chef Francis Bonnefoy appears like a burst of colour in his dull, grey life. 

AmeViet (yes, Vietnam!)

Hard to Get : Rated T, 57k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Complete During World War Two, serious, limited Vietnam meets the boisterous America. Amid fighting, friendship, and stress, America tries to get Vietnam to like him, but she won't let that happen. Or will she? (note: One of my all-time favorites, unforgettable. I can never find fics of this pairing, it’s so hard! But this is a really great fic, highly recommend. also after learning more about Vietnam history, i might give this yet ANOTHER re-read with my new perspectives)

Of Broken Promises and the Taste of Freedom : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Vaguely, Vietnam wondered if this was what freedom tasted like. If perhaps, the hot waves that crashed through her body and set her skin on fire was what it was like to know that you are truly free.

GerIta (apologies, I don’t read too much GerIta LOL)

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart : Rated M, 104k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. Feliciano Vargas is a passionate, if slightly scared, Italian resistance member. Falling in love with a German fighter pilot was the last thing he expected... and it will test his national loyalty, and his heart, to their limits. (note: another VeraVerse, so well written! you will not ragret. also a repost since Og was deleted, all credit to George deValier)

RusAme

Dear Diary : Rated T, 55k words, 17 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Alfred F. Jones isn't gay. Just read his diary; you'll see. (note: I absolutely love high school or college AUs, omg. Also this is hilarious. I can really relate to how Alfred's rambling)

PruHun

The Most Awesome Date Plan Ever : Rated T, 7.5k words, 6 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete It was foolproof. He had worked out every plan, every detail and each possible outcome almost guaranteed him Elizaveta's love. Until it was ruined by Gilbert's two cockblocking best friends. (note: funny and cute)

Táncol? : Rated K+, 24k words, 6 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Elizaveta is determined to find out who Gilbert wants to ask out for the school dance. If that means bullying his friends, being hired by Gilbert to slave over a cake, and invading his diaries, so be it. (note: Another favorite! Very cute)

Hello Hurricane : Rated T, 61k words, 18 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy, Complete Sequel to "Táncol?" Elizaveta, Ludwig, Francis, and Antonio are forced to watch Gilbert slowly fade away every day. (note: It might seem like I have lots of favorites, cuz I do and this is one of them. Warning, I cried a lot towards the end. Highly recommend)

PruCan

That Song Called Love : Rated T, 62k words, 25 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Matthew had always resigned himself to a fate of musical obscurity on a supporting instrument, but after meeting an ex-delinquent named Gilbert, he just might learn to take the lead. (note: contains other minor pairings. Although she doesn’t play a huge role I’m so happy Vietnam is in it Dx)

Operation Not to Hot : Rated T, 10k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete Gilbert Beilschmidt is dorky, nerdy, and has serious confidence issues. He doesn't really care about himself until he sees Matthew Williams, AKA super-hot-hockey-jock. With Matthew's heart in mind, Gilbert undergoes a complete transformation. (note: funny story. Prussia being Prussia)

Overdue : Rated T, 12k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Supernatural, Complete "Well, Gott, Mattie, at least look someone in the eye when you tell them you're a ghost. Make a good impression!" (note: cute lil one-shot series)

I Have all Summer to Fall For You : Rated T, 162k words, 38 chapters, Incomplete At school, Gilbert makes fun of Matthew, and Matthew just wants to be left alone. But then when the hot days of summer roll around, and they have nothing but free time, things happen that NO ONE could have planned for! (note: MY ALL-TIME FAV PRUCAN FiC Ever. Probably will never finish but the length and quality make up for it)

PruAus

Please Don’t Read the Verdict : Rated M, 57k words, 11 chapters, Romance/Crime, Incomplete District Attorney Roderich Edelstein is faced with a gruesome, controversial murder. He has three months to build a case against the accused, but more than his will to prosecute may be destroyed in the process. (note: sadly not done, but highly interesting!)

Lily of the Lamplight : Rated M, 27k words, 4 chapters, Romance/Angst, Incomplete WW2 AU. Austrian musician Roderich and German soldier Gilbert are forced into an army prison unit and a fight for survival on the Russian Front. But in the midst of blood and death and hell on earth, how long can they fight their desire for each other?  (note: MY 👏 FAV 👏 VERAVERSE 👏 I loveeee this fic, I’m so SAD it’s nEvEr going to be completed. Savor those 4 chapters. Luckily theyre long *cries* Also love the set of main characters, including Prussia, Austria, Berwald, and Poland. Also listen to the song the title is based off of, i luv it too)

SuFin

Cheers to a New Life : Rated M, 94k words, 47 chapters, Romance/Family, Complete Sweden could only find a job as a Kindergarten teacher and the famous Kirkland's little Peter happens to be enrolled into his class. But it is not Mr. Arthur Kirkland who is picking Peter up, it's this angel with the greatest ass Berwald's ever seen. (note: viewer discretion, mostly on later chapters. also has cute lil Peter/Sealand)

My Heart, In Segments : Rated T, 14k words, 10 chapters, Family/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Berwald is a man left alone, and Peter was a kid left behind. Berwald's not really the perfect dad, Peter's not really innocent anymore, and Tino's not really sure he's ready for something so real. But, maybe... Maybe it's time.

In Want of a Wife : Rated T, 41k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Berwald's life is turned upside down when he is accepted into Hetalia International University, and everything changes for the better when he catches a glimpse of his future wife who lives down the hall. Who cares if Tino doesn't accept it yet? (note: Human AU; Lietpol is a bonus in all this hehe)

Treatment : Rated T, 55k words, 12 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Tino is a young psychology major, well known for being kind and eager to help others with their issues, but less so for his habit of profiling "patients" on campus. His therapist's eye has fixed on Berwald, but will he be the one who ends up on the couch? (note: Though not fully done, it’s one of my favorite sufin fics. Also hilarious bahah)

Catch Perfect : Rated T, 35k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Friendship, Incomplete When Berwald loses everything he is forced to move into a share house with an insane Dane, a sociopathic Norwegian, an unfathomable Icelander and a perfect Finn who makes it all worth putting up with. (note: can be crazy and random, which is probs why I liked it so much. also by George deValier I believe, reposted onto wattpad after it got deleted)

DenNor

Hummingbird : Rated T, 61k words, 12 chapters, Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Lukas' only goal in life was to take care of his younger brother, until he was diagnosed with an irregular heart rhythm. His originally peaceful stay in hospital was interrupted when the loud, cheerful Mathias was moved into the bed beside him and refused to leave him alone; yet as his health began to deteriorate, the Dane decided to fall in love with him. (note: I love this fic so much, it’s also another favorite of mine. Very cute but with lots of angst, ahhh just what I ordered)

Secret Crowds : Rated M, 3.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete An explosion leaves Denmark with a permanent brain injury and Norway struggles to find his role in their relationship as the line between lover and caregiver begins to blur. (sad and touching)

I also read a lot of DenNor so im like ?? where the fics at LOL. but i think i read more DenNor doujinshis, so that’s def something yall should look into

Spamano

A Beautiful Story : Rated T, 16k words, 10 chapters, Tragedy/Romance, Complete Lovino Romano Vargas is a suicidal designer who is unhappy with his fate. One day, he chances to meet Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, who turns his life upside down.

Flashlight : Rated T, 38k words, 11 chapters, Parody/Romance, Complete "If I throw a tomato at you, vampire bastard, will you still sparkle under the sauce?" (note: OKAY SO This is actually a Twilight parody w Romano as Bella and Spain as Edward. I don’t really like Twilight but I really like this version of it lmao. Funny and a good read. Mostly Romano’s POV, cRACK )

New Batteries : Rated T, 41k words, 10 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Sequel to Flashlight. "WELL, I NEVER LIKED YOU, EITHER. WHAT NOW, YOU STUPID SPARKLY EXCUSE OF A VAMPIRE?" (note: also a parody, just the sequel to the previous one listed. I understand the Twilight plot through these better than the original)

Kismet : Rated M, 174k words, 52 chapters, Romance/Fantasy, Complete Lovino learns the hard way that things change and that they can change quickly. The necklace fell and now he's in a strange land far from home. Will he ever see his brother again? Will he find his way home? Or will he discover home is where the heart is? Fate is a strange woman and can work in mysterious ways. (note: RATED M, viewer discretion. the author has a list of warnings on the first chapter you can look at so you know what you’re reading. Fantasy AU)

Catch You, Catch Me : Rated M, (basically)37k words, 7 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Clumsy, clueless detective Romano is on the trail of the infamous handsome and charming thief El Apasionado Caballero. But there's more to this, what seems like a simple game of cat and mouse, than meets the eye.

The Bet : Rated T, 20k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete When someone kisses you, and then moves away you'd think that would be it. But when Antonio comes back from Spain he wants Lovino to be his again. Except Lovino now hates Antonio...which sucks for Lovino because Antonio isn't going to let go that easily.

Zero Tolerance : Rated M, 55k words, 24 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino lives a perfect life. Or atleast thats how he is suppose to appear. Antonio lives a life as a dangerous gangbanger. North Side meets South Side as these two are partnered in their Chemistry class. But there is one chemical reaction these 2 arent prepared for- Love. (highschool AU)

Breathless in the Atmosphere : Rated T, 31k words, 3 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Antonio only needed money for marble. He needed to make his art. And a chance encounter on the subway offers him a job as a male escort. It was just for the money. He could stop anytime he wanted to. Really. (note: viewer discretion advised. contains prostitution and suicidal ideation)

Before the Snow Falls : Rated T, 19k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino, jersey number nine, right winger. He was ready to pass the ball, ready to set up the win, but Antonio, opposite team, center fielder, was ready too. Someone thought, and someone didn't, and they crashed. Hard. A few months later, Lovino's on crutches, Antonio has scholarships, and they have to deal with the aftermath of what happened.

Door to Door : Rated T, 3.5k words, One-shot, Humor/Romance, Complete Do not open the door. It could be a zombie, an unwanted boyfriend of your brother's, or a persistant salesman by the name Antonio Carriedo.

Numbered Lithograph : Rated M, 133k words, 29 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete When Lovino starts attending art school with his brother he finds his most important lesson doesn't come from his professors, but from a culinary student at a sister school: sometimes the flaws hold the beauty. (note: Probably my favorite spamano fic. Very touching. Has fluff and angst)

Bésame Mucho : Rated M, 48k words, 6 chapter, Angst/Romance, Incomplete WW2 AU. Lovino Vargas only ever wanted something exciting to happen in his boring, everyday Italian village existence. He never expected war, Resistance, love, passion, treason, or a cheerful, confusing, irritatingly attractive Spanish freedom fighter. (note: ANOTHER 👏 ONE 👏OF👏MY👏FAVS👏 BUT SAD BC ITLL NEVER FINISH HDUEOFREGH. Also by George DeValier and reuploaded onto wattpad (originally on ff.net)! I’m in love with the writing. Incomplete but sooo worth the read.)

Bad Touch Trio (may or may not contain pairings/slight pairings)

Oh No, We’re Hot : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete In which, after a summer apart, the Bad Touch Trio realizes that they have become really attractive. Really slight hinted Spamano. (note: I absolutely love the BTT, this is a cute short fic about them)

The Trap : Rated T, 4.7k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete The prompt was Prussia and Spain meeting France for the first time, thinking he's a girl, kiddy-courting him, then finding out he's a boy, but still kiddy-courting him. Exactly as wacky as it sounds. (note: another cute story about the BTT and their rad friendship! I need this in my life)

Multiple Pairings

Playing Cupid : Rated T, 24k words, 15 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete In Everett High School there is a secret club called the yaoi club. It is their job, during Sadies, to set up couples. This year Elizabeta has an ambitious plan. She is going to find a date for the infamous Lovino Vargas. Her choice is Antonio, unfortunately half the girls want to ask him too. Will she and her friends succeed? Spamano, UsUk, Prucan, GerIta, others (note: very cute highschool AU! highly recommend! also contains many of the hetalia girls, which is amazing~)

No Pairings

Bad Pasta : Rated T, 13k words, 6 chapter, Mystery/Tragedy, Complete Kiku and Arthur trade rooms. (note: Author also made a game based on this posted on deviantart: Bad Pasta game. I really liked it, especially since I’m into hetalia fangames and whatnot. warning, contains death of characters)

Fun with Former Vikings : Rated K+, 63k words, 17 chapters, Friendship/Family, Complete Brothers that are too awkward to even stand next to each other, husband and 'wife,' and that one guy that drinks a lot. The Nordics couldn't be any more different. And neither could the situations they get themselves into. (note: I love love love the Nordics. This is also probably one of my all-time favs. I love them as bros Dx)

God Only Threw the Humans out of Paradise : Rated K+, 4.5k words, One-shot, Friendship, Complete 12 years is nothing in the life of a Nation. But to a puppy, it's a lifetime. This is a look at 12 years of England's life through the eyes of man's best friend.

Gutters : Rated M, 98k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Drama, Complete 'The Calamity' has left the world stripped and dying. Alone in a civilian bunker in Munich, Sealand will be reunited with the last known living member of his surrogate family and together, they will set out across Europe to find those they have lost. (note: It’s an adventure story starring Sealand and Denmark. Can be really intense and eMOTIONAL i cried like a bitch, highly recommend. Probably one of my 👏 favorite👏  fics of all time)

Ditches : Rated M, 2.4k words, 2 chapters, Drama/Family, Incomplete Prequel to Gutters. In the days leading up to The Calamity, the world braces and families struggle not to be torn apart.

Breathe Me : Rated T, 66k words, 21 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete "God I'm so fat." "No, Alfred. You're not. You're –" "Stop it! I am and you know it! The whole world knows! Just stop okay?" Trigger Warning, Human AU, and F.A.C.E. Family. (note: very important TRIGGER WARNING due to mention of eating disorders, verbal abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.)

[svudrabbles]

Imagine you’re Nick’s daughter, and you come out of the closet...

This wasn’t the first time this month you’d been involved in a fight at school. Twice now, the school bully, Kelly, was mercilessly bullying a gay student. Each time, you’d stood up for them, which caused a bloody mess. You won, of course, but it also meant a school suspension. Nick was growing tired of the behavior. You weren’t a violent kid, and he couldn’t figure out why the topic of the kids being gay hurt you so badly that you felt the need to use your fists instead of your words.

He picked you up from school pissed to hell. On the ride over he lectured you without end, saying you were grounded from using electronics, from doing anything fun outside of school, for an entire week. He continued to lecture you when you got up the station.

“Ouch, Baby Amaro.” Fin laughed at your swelling lip.

“You should see the other girl.” You joked.

Nick sent you a glare.

You sighed, settling into a seat next to his desk.

“I’ll get you some ice.” He grumbled, going off to the snack room.

Olivia walked over to you, and looked down at your injuries. “Are you okay, honey?”

“Physical pain goes away. The other kids emotional trauma will be with him forever.” You stated, shaking your head. “I’m fine with a suspension if it shuts that kid up.”

“What happened?” Rollins piped up.

“This girl was bullying a kid in my class for being gay. He just started dating one of the seniors, and Kelly was down his throat. I warned her to stop riding his ass, but she continued. I pushed her, she pushed me...wham.” You shrugged. “I don’t regret it.”

“You should.” Nick said as he entered the room again, gently applying the ice back to your lip. 

“Well I don’t.” You scoffed.

He raised his eyebrows at you. “You made me leave work, and come to pick you up, just to find out you’re suspended for two days. You used your fists instead of the large vocabulary you have. That’s not okay.”

“Words don’t work against homophobes, dad.” You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me.” He put his hands on his hips. “I’m your father, now show me some respect.”

“And give me some leeway!” You stood on your feet, your voice raised. “I was protecting somebody from being hurt terribly, and you refuse to see that. All you see is how I went about doing it!”

“Why do you insist to be violent? I didn’t raise you this way! Why does it matter to you so much anyway?” He raised his voice back at you.

“Maybe because I know what it’s like to be bullied when you come out as a homosexual!” You shouted, throwing the ice pack across the room. “I know how badly it hurts. I know how much it crushes your soul. I know he went through ten fold the amount of pain I put Kelly through, because I’ve felt it.”

All of a sudden, Nick was quiet, and so was the rest of the squad. Tears began spilling down your cheeks. This was not the way you wanted to come out. 

“Mija...” Nick said softly, walking toward you.

You shook your head, and went running out of the precinct. You ran, and you ran until you made it outside. You were crying, your breathing hard and heavy. You stood outside as everyone rushed passed you, and you just cried.

It didn’t take long before you felt a pair of arms pull you away from the crowd and back into the building. It was Amanda. “Baby, come here.” She wrapped you tightly in her arms, and allowed you to weep into her chest.

“I didn’t want him to know that way.” You croaked. “But he doesn’t get it...he doesn’t get it.”

“Shh, it’s alright.” She mumbled, softly caressing your hair. “I know, baby. I know.”

“He must be so disgusted by me.” You sobbed.

“No.” She pulled you away only to cup your warm, damp cheeks in her hands. “He’s up there beating himself up that he didn’t recognize it sooner, and that he’s been so harsh with you. He loves you so much, and just wants you to be the best you that you can possibly be.”

You sniffled. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She smiled softly. “Really.”

“How am I supposed to face him?” You mumbled, looking away from her.

She grabbed your hand. “With me. Together.”

You gave a nod, and the two of you went back to the 1-6. When you got back up, your dad was pacing the floor.

You swallowed.

He looked toward you, and ran over, gathering you in his arms. You were too big to be held, but he did it anyway. You wrapped your legs around his waist, and buried your face in his neck.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I should have known. I should have...”

“It’s okay, daddy.” You muttered. “You couldn’t have known. I didn’t tell you.”

He sighed. “I need you to know I love you so much. Who you love will never change that.”

You smiled. “I love you too.”

He kissed your cheek and took a deep breath. “You’re still grounded.”

“Fair.”

[oncloud999]

Jikook - an essay apparently

Ok I have a lot of thoughts lately and no where else to express them. 

I’m a fairly new fan and while some of my friend irl know about this, its too embarrassing for someone of my age to still be into shipping or whatever, so no that’s not getting out there... 

anyway. So i only joined the fandom maybe mid last year and initially didn’t ship anyone cos I’m honestly over that. But then I thought V and kook looked cute together so I looked into their stuff a bit. I still didn’t really ship them but did have a preference for the two of them together, more like bros and bffs rather than anything romantic because i just don’t get that vibe from them. I do have a friend in real life (who’s actually korean... ) who was into JiKook being a couple which I thought was odd because a lot of the shipping things come from their skinship and I thought she’d be less affected by it cos she’s korean but.... 

anyway, even when i was more into vkook, i saw a lot of jimin and jungkook together that did make me raise my eyebrows. like their firework vid and the pics and vids of them spending time together after concerts. i also did come across some photos of jimin and jungkook hanging out. i also watched a few jikook analysis videos and scoffed at them because honestly, you can make them out of anybody if you focus on certain things. 

anyway, fastforward to a few days ago, i don’t even remember what i was doing, but somehow i started seeing jimin and jungkook together as something more than just friends or bros. I mean whatever relationship they have, it’s clearly very special. you don’t plan your world trip during your long awaited holiday around your friend’s bdays unless they’re REALLY special. Jimin flew across the world to be with jk for his birthday before the next leg of his trip. i mean, yes, you can argue that he needed to come back to pack or whatever, but there are easier ways to do it than coming back for 1 night and then flying off again. he could’ve flown from paris to hawaii directly. 

so to keep my sanity, i need to somewhere to write out why and why not i think they’re a couple or whatever...

Reasons why I think they’re a couple

- they’re super close. they definitely hang out outside of their group activities and enjoy spending time with each other. as previously stated, jk obviously means a lot to jimin for him to plan his trip around jk’s birthday. they always talk about hanging out late into the night

- their tokyo trip and gcf. i’m not even going to go into it cos people have already talked enough about it, including the two of them. it especially means a lot cos jk obviously doesn’t like travelling all that much

- even before a couple of days ago, i have noticed sometimes namjoon getting in between the two of them when they’re being a little too flirtatious

- their onscreen flirting is something else. like you can see it as fanservice, but the two of them get so into it and what gets me the most is when jimin gets super shy and giggly about it and then sometimes have to walk away from jk. there are also moments that are not specifically on screen that’s very odd. like when they were in that run bts ep in canada and rm suddenly asked them if they were a couple cos they’re wearing matching clothes. and it’s not even like that time jin asked where it was directly in front of the camera. they were literally having a conversation in the background when whoever it was was playing that keeping your eyes open game and they were just taking photos in the back. 

- they are way more into touching each other than any other members. like jimin especially will hug and touch the other members, especially taehyung, but it’s never the hanging off each other, purposely seeking each other out on a huge stage for some contact sort of thing. jin and jk are also really touchy but they’re so bro about it 

- taehyung... if they are a couple, i would peg tae and jhope as the two who definitely know. taehyung during that one vlive where he was like, jimin wants to come, but i think jk won’t let him... at 1 am in the morning. also see below the uncertain section

- during their earlier days, jm clearly seems to have a crush on jk and jk seemed to very purposefully avoid that. they seem comfortable with each other now but defnitely there was a time that it got awkward when jm talks about how much he likes jk or wants to kiss him or go on a date with him. it could all be for fanservice again, but then he was kind of hurt when jk would not play along. 

- jm softens so obviously when it comes to jk. it’s not just the occasional fan accounts or whatever, like when they say that jm is a hard ass until jk comes along and he softens. when he did that v live with rm, the moments when he’s softest is when he was talking about practicing with jk. the only other person he’s soft with is taehyung but even then it’s not that often

- jm sharing friends with jk. when they went out around town in london with jm’s friends. they are clearly jm’s friends and jk just tagged along... apparently, jm doesn’t like sharing his friends? but apparently it’s ok for jk. even if they’re like brothers, i don’t really take my brother around with my friends... and if jk wants to see london as well, i’m sure he could’ve gone with one of the other members or the managers like how they sometimes do when it’s just one of them going to do something. i would personally find it more awkward hanging out with my friend’s friends than people i already hang out with 

Reasons why i don’t think they’re a couple

- it’s all too in your face. if it’s real, i wonder if they wouldn’t try to hide it better. or maybe they think the fans just think it’s fanservice anyway... it’s hard to tell. if it wasn’t so in your face sometimes, i would be less skeptical

- they still seem very bro-y to me a lot of time. like jimin seems to take care of jk a lot and the way he takes care of him is far more motherly/older brother

this list seems short but i think they’re both very important points.

anyway onto points that are maybe... because it’s speculation

- they may both have girlfriend. there’s definitely been rumours about both. and some more reliable than others. the one thing that goes against either having a girlfriend more recently is.... jm going on a trip around the world with his friends. if he did have a girlfriend or partner, you would think he would want to spend whatever time he has off with them, especially cos their holidays are so infrequent. and if you want to make the point that maybe his gf was busy, well, you would still try to spend whatever little time you ahve with them rather than going around the globe (again) with your friends. the only reason you wouldn’t stay in one place to spend a lot of time with them is if... you already spend a lot of time with them when you’re working lol. jk did have that maybe-maybe-not girlfriend during that time. i think if it was something, then it’s probably over now (poor girl, she was bombarded...) and it clearly means jk didn’t have anyone at the time. or she really was just a friend and it was blown out of proportion (again poor girl if she was dragged into this for nothing...). long story short. they’re either a couple together or they don’t have anyone in the recent past at least. we don’t know. but also there’s that clip from 2018 where jm was trying to convince jk to go on a trip with him around the time of jk’s birthday but jk refused. lol 

- the whole jk/jm sharing rooms, hiding in each other’s room sagas... it definitely seems like there’s other people in the room when they do their lives sometimes. especially the ones that people have pointed out like osaka with taehyung and that one time after eat jin last year when everyone crashed the party when jk was throwing a fit. interestingly, that is also one of the most uncomfortable vlives i’ve seen when it was just jk and jm at the beginning. the chastised and shy look on jm when the camera first panned to him, the weird looks, the funny touches. like what, i felt like i had to give them their alone time. and then the doorbell. now going back to why i think tae knows. in both these cases and another one (that i don’t know the time of), tae comes and refuses to leave when jk clearly asks him why he’s there and when he would go. (the one last year especially makes me want to laugh so badly cos jm esp was trying so hard to get everyone to leave). he’s probably trolling them by giving them grief. anyway, there are a lot of analysis videos etc on youtube. i won’t go into it further

- them rings. the rings they apparently bought in tokyo and still wear together or separately to this day. they definitely have them and they definitely wear them. again it could just be “friendship rings” but... yeah. 

- sharing clothes. a popular trope of why people are together. i mean jk and tae actually seem to share the style of clothes more but they tend to have their own (like those modern hanboks, they both have them and don’t seem to be sharing). where as jm and jk apparently actually share clothes... again could be bro behaviour or whatever, but then why doesn’t tae and jk share? they’re definitely more similar in built and style. 

- lately there seems to be a lot of taekook. apparently i just read that there’s been a lot of noises from taekook fans and maybe homophobic fans to bighit to try to get jikook to tone it down. and obviously there’s been a few times that jk’s behaviour has upset taehyung’s fans especially (and tae himself lol) so maybe it’s to make amends for that... they were really going at it at the golden disc and grammys. but even their more touchy stuff on stage like during bwl perfs during the concerts, their touches don’t seem very flirty. 

as to whetehr i think the rest of bts knows... i think they suspect but as i said before i think only tae and jhope knows for sure. jhope cos he’s pretty close to both of them and tae because he constantly seems to be trolling. but jin, rm and suga... maybe they suspect or just think jk is that friend that hates people getting close to their best bud, but who knows. rm maybe knows more recently because he’s definitely coming between them more. 

will we ever know. probably not. not while they’re popular and not while their country (or the world) is still so homophobic and don’t like their 40 year old celebrities to be in a relationship. maybe one day, we’ll hear that even after they’ve stopped promoting as a band, they’re still housemates or whatever. but that’s probably the most “confirmation” we will ever get. but as long as they’re happy, i just really hate seeing them sad. i just wish the world was less toxic towards them. or the world needs to be less toxic in general. 

the relationship i enjoy the most within bts is actually the one between jin and jungkook cos they are actually hilarious and chaotic together, but somehow jikook seems to have more of a romantic edge to their interaction. 

even if they’re not a couple, they definitely have a very strong bond and very close. whatever it is, they’re clearly special to each other beyond being friends or bandmates. maybe it’s better if they’re friends because couples break up but friends rarely do... 

anyway, this turned out much longer than i expected but i’m glad to have put my thought into some kind of coherent-ness... and off i go onto the delulu train. 

[justkimberley]

Oh My God They Were Roommates

Word Count: 5189

Summary:  TJ and Cyrus have been roommates for a while, and TJ is starting to realize that he might have feelings for Cyrus. When Cyrus asks if TJ's cool with Jonah coming over, TJ feels his jealous start up and so he tries to tell Cyrus how he's feeling, but Cyrus misunderstands what TJ was trying to say and thinks that TJ is secretly homophobic. Will TJ be able to explain what he meant to Cyrus?

Based off of a prompt I got from @tyrus-traxsh

Ao3 Link: x

           TJ felt bad. He knew that he messed up, but he didn’t know how to fix it. The problem was that he hadn’t even done anything wrong, there was just a misunderstanding, but what Cyrus had thought TJ said was an incredibly insensitive and hurtful thing, so he couldn’t blame Cyrus for being upset, which was why he was sitting on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and hoping that he could figure out how to explain what he meant and how to get Cyrus to listen to him, before he got home.

           TJ didn’t think he had ever seen Cyrus this upset about anything before, not even when Cyrus’ last boyfriend had dumped him (and that was saying something). TJ and Cyrus had only been roommates for a couple weeks at that point, but they had already gotten to know each other pretty well, so TJ was there for Cyrus the whole time. Now it’s been a few months since TJ and Cyrus became roommates, and TJ would say that they’re a lot closer than most people who just met a couple of months ago would be. In fact, TJ was closer with Cyrus than he had ever been with anyone ever before. There was still one specific secret that TJ hadn’t told Cyrus yet, but he was planning on keeping that to himself for a little longer, after all, nobody knew that secret. Although, after what TJ said last night and what Cyrus thought he meant… he probably wouldn’t even get the chance to decide if he wanted to tell Cyrus that secret or not. Cyrus might never speak to him again, let alone be good enough friends with TJ for him to want to share the secret.

           TJ and Cyrus had been sitting on their couch, scrolling through their phones, with a show playing on the TV in the background. Cyrus kept giggling at his phone so TJ looked up to see what was going on with him. Cyrus was blushing and biting his lip, and TJ couldn’t help but think that Cyrus looked cute, a thought that had been occurring more and more often these days, but he pushed it away. He couldn’t think like that; it was a dangerous path. He could think Cyrus was cute, but he had to cut it off there. Otherwise it would develop into deeper feelings for Cyrus (if they weren’t there already) and that was a recipe for disaster. Plus, if Cyrus was making that face, he was probably talking to Jonah or something. Ugh, Jonah, TJ let out a huff of annoyance. He was actually friends with Jonah, and Jonah was really nice, which was part of why he was so annoyed – TJ couldn’t dislike him. It would be so much easier if TJ could just dislike Jonah, but he couldn’t. How could he? That guy was a ray of sunshine, it was no wonder that Cyrus liked him. Of course, Cyrus said that they were just friends but… TJ could see the way that Cyrus looked at Jonah, and he knew that Jonah was bisexual, so it was probably only a matter of time. TJ shook his head and took a deep breath, trying to think about something else. This was, once again, Dangerous Territory. TJ took another deep breath and Cyrus looked up from his phone.

           “What’s up?” Cyrus asked, poking TJ with his foot and putting his phone down.

           “It’s nothing, doesn’t matter. I was just, uhh, thinking about some things,” TJ said, shrugging and turning back to his phone, trying to look nonchalant.

           Cyrus poked TJ with his toe again, “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

           TJ fought down the smile that was growing on his face. He couldn’t help it, Cyrus always made him feel better, “It really is nothing Cy,” TJ said, hoping Cyrus would drop it. He watched as Cyrus searched his face, it looked like he was going to keep pushing, but then he seemed to think better of it and turned his attention back to his phone as it buzzed again.

           TJ let out a sigh of relief when he realized that Cyrus wasn’t going to push him to talk about this tonight. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but Cyrus didn’t know that TJ was gay, that was TJ’s one secret, so it felt like there would be a whole lot to tackle if Cyrus decided to keep pushing tonight, and… TJ was not really in the mood to talk about his useless jealousy either. Cyrus giggled at his phone, once again blushing, and TJ felt his posture stiffen. He was feeling a weird mixture of ‘wow Cyrus is so adorable’ and also ‘I’m incredibly jealous of whoever was making him laugh like that’. You know, the two basic emotions? TJ turned his focus to the TV again, trying to distract himself from looking at Cyrus. He wasn’t even sure what show was on, but it didn’t really matter, he just needed something to look at that wasn’t Cyrus.

           “Hey, TJ?” Cyrus asked, looking up from his phone.

           “Mmmhmm?” TJ replied turning to look at Cyrus again, something he quickly realized was a mistake. Cyrus’ eyes were wide, and they were full of hope and he was smiling and TJ just didn’t know how to deal with how that made him feel.

           “Is it okay with you if Jonah comes over on Sunday?”

           TJ bristled at the question, he could feel his emotional walls building themselves up and an annoyed mask falling over his face. Logically, he knew that he shouldn’t have a problem with Jonah coming over, Jonah was cool, he was friends with Jonah, but there was something about the way that Cyrus asked that made TJ feel like this would mean something more. “Yeah. Sure. That’s fine. Why would I care?” TJ asked icily before turning his attention away from Cyrus and back to the TV.

           He could feel Cyrus leaning closer to him, but he stubbornly kept his gaze on the TV, arms crossed over his chest. “Are you sure about that? It seems like you’re not okay with it,” he said, reaching forward and gently placing his hand on TJ’s leg.

           TJ flinched away. He knew Cyrus was trying to help TJ feel safe, to help TJ feel like he could be vulnerable, but TJ felt like he was on fire the second Cyrus touched him. The normally calming gesture had somehow made it feel like there was an entire zoo parading around in his body. Why was this happening now? Cyrus putting his hand on TJ’s leg had calmed him down countless times before, but now, for some reason, TJ couldn’t deal with Cyrus touching him? TJ really needed to find a way to get rid of his feelings. “It’s fine, okay?” TJ said defensively.

           “TJ, do you have a problem with me bringing people over to the apartment? Because we can work that out, I get it if you don’t want extra people around all the time,” Cyrus said, TJ could tell that Cyrus was trying to see what was bothering him, trying to be a good roommate.

           “I don’t have a problem with you bringing people over to the apartment,” TJ muttered truthfully. He knew that Cyrus could tell that he was telling the truth.

           “Then what do you have a problem with? Me bringing over Jonah specifically, or, or, or just me bringing guys over? I thought you were totally cool about the fact that I’m gay!” Cyrus said, raising his voice.

           TJ glanced worriedly at Cyrus. Cyrus didn’t usually jump to conclusions like that. He had never seen Cyrus get angry before, and it was kind of terrifying. TJ had screwed this up, how was he going to fix this? “I am okay with you being gay! I just… I don’t like seeing you with other guys,” TJ muttered, feeling his cheeks heat up as he let out his confession. He might as well let Cyrus know the truth. He had feelings for Cyrus. He got jealous when he saw Cyrus with other guys because he knew that he could never be as good as them. It was just a little surprising that the first time he had admitted his crush to himself was also the time he chose to admit it to Cyrus.

           TJ glanced up from his lap to see what Cyrus was thinking, only to meet Cyrus’ rage filled eyes. TJ watched, frozen in place, as Cyrus closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again, the fire of rage somehow growing significantly larger in the seconds that his eyes were closed. TJ was scared now, actually scared. This was a side of Cyrus he had never seen before; a side he had never wanted to see. What had he said? “So,” Cyrus began in a deadly calm voice, “You have no problem with me being gay. But you have a problem seeing me be gay?” he asked, keeping his voice low and quiet in that deadly calm tone.

           TJ felt the blood drain from his face. Oh no. Cyrus had horribly misunderstood what TJ was trying to say. TJ shook his head and turned his whole body to face Cyrus, “No, no, no, that’s not what I meant, I meant –” Cyrus held up his hand and TJ stopped talking, quickly closing his mouth.

           “I know exactly what you meant,” Cyrus said icily, before standing up to walk away.

           TJ grabbed Cyrus’ wrist, “Wait! No! Cyrus, please, let me clarify, I meant it like –”

           Cyrus ripped his arm out of TJ’s grasp, “Stop TJ, I know what you meant. You can’t talk your way out of this. I get it. Just… leave me alone,” he said walking to his room as TJ watched him disappear, feeling more frustrated with himself than he had in a long time. Why was he so bad with words?

           Cyrus had been gone by the time TJ woke up the next morning, and he had yet to return. All that TJ knew was what Cyrus had said in the note left in the kitchen: ‘I’ll be out for the day, when I get back, we need to talk about our living situation’. TJ could feel himself falling into a spiral of worry as the hours went on with no Cyrus. Cyrus would move out. Or he would make TJ move out. TJ didn’t want to have to find a new place to live, and he definitely didn’t want a new roommate. Ugh this was so stupid; how did he mess up telling someone that he liked them that badly? It’s not that hard! Or at least, it shouldn’t be. And now TJ needed to figure out how to get Cyrus to listen to him so that he could actually tell him what he meant, which also meant that when he did tell Cyrus they were going to have to have an entirely different talk as well. It was all very nerve-wreaking.

           So, that’s why TJ was where he was; sitting on his bed, staring at the roof, trying to figure out how to tell Cyrus that he was sorry, but also that he had meant something completely different. He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair, laying down. Why did life have to be so complicated?

____________

           “Cyrus, what’s bothering you? You’ve been quiet all day, and that’s nothing like you. Weren’t you and TJ going to watch that new documentary you were talking about last night? How was it?” Buffy asked, Cyrus could tell that she was desperately trying to get him to talk. He glanced around and saw that Andi, Buffy, and Jonah all had mirrored faces of concern.

           Cyrus let out a sigh, “We didn’t get to watching the documentary last night,”

           Jonah’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion. A look that Cyrus had once thought was the most adorable thing in the world, but now just saw as Jonah, “Why didn’t you get to watch it last night?” he asked before his confused look morphed into a smirk, “Did one of you finally make a move? Is that why you didn’t watch it? You were to busy being all couple-y?” he asked excitedly.

           Cyrus felt himself frown and shrink away at the implication. His friends were always teasing him about him and TJ, saying that they were ‘meant to be’. Cyrus used to almost believe them, but after what TJ said last night, he knew they were wrong, “Definitely not. We got in an argument about you coming over tomorrow, which, by the way, we should probably watch ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ another day, and then he said something, and I got really mad at him and so I went to bed.”

           Andi, Buffy, and Jonah looked at him once again with matching concerned expressions (had they been practicing that?), “Cyrus Goodman going to sleep mad. That’s like your number one rule, ‘never go to bed angry,’ What did he say?” Andi asked leaning forward and placing her hand on Cyrus knee, Cyrus felt a slight déjà vu, it was exactly what he had done to TJ before TJ had… said those things.

           Cyrus stared at his hands in his lap “Well… basically he said that he didn’t care if Jonah came over,” Cyrus started, Jonah interrupting with a quiet ‘hey!’ before being shushed by Buffy, “But I could tell that he really didn’t want Jonah to come over, so I tried to figure out what was bothering him. I asked him if he didn’t want people coming over to the apartment all the time, and he told me that wasn’t the problem, so I asked if he had a problem with Jonah specifically. But then my mind started reeling and I thought that maybe he had a problem with me bringing guys over in general, so I asked, and then he said he didn’t like seeing me with other guys,” Cyrus rambled out before looking up to see what his friends reactions to this news was. They all sat silently, slowly digesting the information that Cyrus had just dumped on them.

           “What do you think he meant by ‘he doesn’t like seeing you with other guys’?” Andi asked slowly, looking up at him curiously.

           “I think he meant that he doesn’t want to see me be gay!” Cyrus said, feeling the rage build up in his stomach again, just like it had last night.

           “Are you sure that’s what he meant? It’s just… TJ seemed like such a nice guy… I thought he was always super accepting of you being gay. Didn’t he help you with your breakup after Aidan? He never had a problem with you bringing Aidan over when you first moved in together, did he? I mean, you were there, and we weren’t, but do you think he could have meant something else?” Buffy said, as if she was trying to logic her way through TJ’s brain.

           Cyrus took a moment to think about what Buffy said. TJ had always been accepting of Cyrus before, and TJ did help Cyrus through the breakup, and TJ was always really welcoming to Aidan before the breakup… was it possible that TJ could have meant something else? “What else could he have even meant?” Cyrus asked frustratedly.

           Jonah’s face suddenly lit up, “Maybe he meant it like he doesn’t like seeing you with other guys because he wants to be with you! Like, maybe he gets really jealous? Maybe he thinks you like me!” Jonah said excitedly.

           Cyrus looked at Jonah skeptically, “You really think that could be what he meant?” he asked disbelievingly, looking to Andi and Buffy for support. There was no way that could be true.

           To his surprise Andi and Buffy seemed to be agreeing with Jonah, “Actually… that could make sense. I’ve noticed a lot recently that the way he interacts with you and looks at you, especially when you’re not looking, is different than it used to be,” Buffy said.

           “Yeah, he always looks at you like you’re a new set of paint brushes!” Andi said excitedly. Buffy, Cyrus, and Jonah exchanged looks before looking at Andi with raised eyebrows. She let out a laugh, “Okay… like you hung the stars in the sky, same thing. But mine was more original!”

           Cyrus joined with Buffy and Jonah to laugh about Andi’s self-tailored saying. When the group finally settled down a little, Cyrus chewed on his lip and looked at them, “But… what if he did mean it the way I think he did?”

           “Then we collectively kick his ass and throw him to the curb,” Buffy said indignantly, Andi and Jonah nodding along with determined expressions.

           “But, Cyrus, you really should get an explanation before you reach any conclusions. We could all be wrong for all we know,” Andi said.

           “Yeah, you’re right. He did say last night that he didn’t mean it the way I thought he did. I guess… I need to hear him out. And… I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but… for the record?” Cyrus said, looking at Jonah, “I really hope you’re right.”

           Jonah gave Cyrus his signature dimpled smile and placed his hand on Cyrus’ shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, “For the record Cy-guy?” Jonah started, Cyrus shook his head good naturedly at the old childhood nickname, “We all see how much you care about TJ, so I really hope I’m right too.”

           Cyrus felt a small smile pull onto his face and everyone surrounded him in a group hug. For a second, he forgot that he needed to go home and talk to TJ. He forgot about all the problems he had been worrying about, and he revelled in the comfort of being surrounded by his friends. Unfortunately, at some point, he actually did need to get home, so he pulled away from the hug and smiled gratefully at his friends, “I should probably get going now. Something tells me I’ve got an emotionally exhausting night ahead of me. Thanks for always being here for me guys. I’ll let you all know if we need to… what is it Buffy said? Collectively kick his ass and throw him to the curb,” Cyrus said, laughing to himself.

           “We’ll always be here for you Cy,” Buffy said and Andi and Jonah nodded along in agreeance behind her, “Alright, you go give TJ a talking to. And let us know what the outcome is!” Buffy said.

           Cyrus smiled at his friends and then turned and started walking back to his apartment, waving over his shoulder to his friends before they were out of sight. He was glad that he had talked to his friends about this, they had made him feel a lot better about the situation. At least now he had hope that he might have misunderstood TJ. Cyrus quietly wished for Jonah’s guess to be right before he mentally reprimanded himself for getting his hopes up; he couldn’t allow himself to do that. For now, he would just hope that TJ wasn’t secretly homophobic; that seemed like a good place for his expectations to be.

______________

           TJ was still sitting on his bed when he heard the sound of Cyrus’ keys unlocking the door, and he hadn’t really come up with a way to explain to Cyrus what he meant… other than talking as fast as possible and trying to get all of the information out before Cyrus could tell him to stop. TJ stood up and moved to stand in the kitchen, just as Cyrus opened the door. TJ felt his heart clench when he saw him. Cyrus looked like he hadn’t slept. His clothes, which he usually took so much pride in, were wrinkled, his hair was falling limply in front of his face, and his eyes had dark bags under them. TJ moved forward to give Cyrus a hug but then stopped himself, he shouldn’t touch Cyrus until he knows that they’re good. “Cyrus, I am so, so, sorry. Would you please give me like two minutes to explain what I meant last night, I promise I didn’t mean it the way you think I did, and then if you still want me to move out, I’ll understand. Just – please. Let me explain myself?” TJ pleaded, even he could hear how broken his voice sounded.

           Cyrus scrunched his nose, making his ‘thinking face’, before he nodded and sat down on a stool on the opposite side of the island from where TJ was standing, “Buffy, Andi, and Jonah think that, at the very least, I should hear you out,” Cyrus said slowly, “So I will. You have as much time as you need, and then I’ll see if we still need to talk about our living arrangement,” he finished coldly, placing his hands on the counter before looking at TJ expectantly. It felt like they were negotiating a contract.

           TJ felt a rush of adrenaline course through his body and he moved to sit down across from Cyrus, bouncing his leg and tapping his finger on the counter, “Okay, first I have to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone before,” TJ said, taking a deep breath and glancing at Cyrus, Cyrus was watching him with a confused look on his face, “I’m gay,” TJ said, breathing out a sigh of relief afterwards. It felt good to finally tell someone that. When he looked up again, it looked like Cyrus wanted to interrupt but wasn’t sure if he should, “Just… let me get through all of this first, okay?” Cyrus nodded. “Okay, so now you know I’m gay, but that doesn’t mean that what I said last night shouldn’t hurt you. I’m really sorry about the way I phrased that last night. I was trying to tell you that I get jealous when I see you with other guys, but somehow it got all convoluted on its way out and I ended up being homophobic by accident. I’m truly so sorry that I hurt you and you probably felt like I was betraying your trust and that I lied to you about accepting you, but I really just meant that I want you to be gay with me! That’s a weird way of saying that. What I’m trying to say is… I like you Cyrus. And I see the way you act with Jonah and I totally get it if you don’t like me the way I like you, but whenever I see you guys together I just get so jealous, and it’s not fair to either of you cause it’s not like I own you and you didn’t even know I felt this way! And it’s not like Jonah can stop being himself… but what I really want you to know is that I really am sorry, and I hope that we can still be –”

           “I know that you told me to let you finish before I said anything, but something tells me you weren’t going to stop any time soon,” Cyrus said, grabbing TJ’s hand and ceasing its constant tapping. TJ looked up to see Cyrus smiling at him, so he shut his mouth and waited to hear what Cyrus had to say. “TJ, I forgive you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t let you explain yourself last night. It would have saved both of us a lot of agony and given us way more sleep. Also, there’s nothing going on with me and Jonah, I like you the same way that you like me.” Cyrus said, smiling at TJ.

           TJ looked at Cyrus with wide eyes, “Really?” he asked in disbelief.

           “Really.” Cyrus said, now holding both of TJ’s hands.

           “So then, uh, what does that mean for us?” TJ asked, staring at their hands, still dumbstruck by the fact that Cyrus Goodman felt the same way about him.

           “Well, I would like to go on a couple dates and then, you know, maybe become boyfriends, but what were you thinking? Should we just stand near each other when we’re outside like middle school boyfriends? Maybe peck each other once on the lips and then break up?” Cyrus said jokingly.

           “I’m cool with that! The first one I mean, not the middle school boyfriends thing,” TJ said quickly, smiling at Cyrus’ joke, “I want to go on dates and maybe become boyfriends,” he said, smiling at the thought of becoming Cyrus’ boyfriend.

           “And, I’m probably not supposed to talk about this now but, because we’re roommates, we probably should. I still want us to stay friends and roommates if things ever end up not working out between us. You’re one of my best friends, and you’re definitely the best roommate I’ve ever had, and I really don’t want to have to find a new one again,” Cyrus finished, nervously running his thumbs over the backs of TJ’s hands.

           TJ grinned at Cyrus and squeezed his hands, “That’s exactly what I was thinking,” TJ said, smiling at Cyrus. Cyrus returned his smile with a toothy grin and pink cheeks. “And… I know that we’re both pretty tired right now, but… do you want to maybe go on one of those dates now? It can be super casual. Let’s just go get some baby taters and talk, you know, now that we can fully be ourselves with each other,”

           “That sounds like my kind of date,” Cyrus said, smiling back at TJ before standing up and grabbing his coat, “but you’re paying,” Cyrus said as he smiled cheekily at TJ.

           TJ couldn’t help but laugh as he shook his head, “It’s the least I could do after I caused so much confusion… all because I don’t know how to tell people that I’m jealous like a regular person,” he said, grabbing his keys, his wallet, and finally, Cyrus’ hand before they headed out of the apartment towards the Spoon, the smell of baby taters leading the way.

_____________

           “And then I stepped in a sink hole and I lost my shoe!” Cyrus finished telling his story, tilting his head up so that TJ could see his face. TJ and Cyrus had headed back to their apartment after they finished at the diner and were now cuddling on their couch. Cyrus had his head rested on TJ’s chest along with one of his hands, and TJ had his arm wrapped around Cyrus. Their legs were tangled together too and, TJ had to admit, he had never felt more comfortable  (even though this couch really wasn’t made for two people to be cuddling on).

           TJ chuckled as Cyrus finished telling his story, “You really do seem to have a knack for losing your shoes,” he said, running his thumb over Cyrus’ shoulder.

           “Yeah,” Cyrus chuckled, “So, what about you? Have you ever lost a shoe? Or… anything like that,” Cyrus asked, smiling with a light blush dusted across his cheeks. TJ couldn’t help but think that Cyrus was the most beautiful person in the world.

           “Um, I don’t know, I don’t think so,” TJ said. He was having a hard time focusing with Cyrus looking like that.

           “Okay,” Cyrus shrugged, nuzzling closer to TJ’s chest before looking at him again, biting his lip nervously, “TJ, can I ask you something?”

           “Yeah, sure. Anything,” he said, a little nervously. What had caused the change in tone?

           “Why were you so jealous last night?”

           TJ felt his stomach drop and he licked his lips, “Well, um, you were texting somebody and you kept giggling and blushing and then you asked if Jonah could come over and then I just connected the dots and figured that Jonah was flirting with you and making you blush and uh yeah. But now I’m pretty sure I was wrong,” TJ finished, trying not to make eye contact.

           Cyrus started giggling and TJ felt his nerves increase, “TJ, I was ‘giggling and blushing’ as you put it, because Andi, Buffy, and Jonah were all teasing me about my crush on you,” Cyrus said, his cheeks flushing a darker shade of pink.

           TJ felt his own cheeks heat up, “Oh,” he said lamely, “Can I – uh, can I ask you something?” TJ asked. Cyrus nodded. “Have you ever liked Jonah? You know, the way I thought you did?” TJ asked nervously.

           Cyrus scrunched his nose while he thought of his answer, “Yes, I did. Jonah was my first crush, my gay awakening if you will,” Cyrus started. TJ snorted at that, Jonah Beck had probably been the gay awakening for a lot of people, being as pretty as he was. “And I also had a bit of a ‘rebound crush’ on him after my break up with Aidan. I think it was because I had just gone through a heartbreak and Jonah had just come out, and it was just a lot of emotions and I conflated them as a crush. But you really don’t have to worry about that TJ. My feelings for you go way deeper than anything I felt for Jonah, either time. Sure, Jonah is one of my best friends, but that’s all he’ll ever be to me. You’re different. You’re one of my best friends who I also happen to want to be more than friends with for many reasons,” Cyrus finished, smiling up at TJ with his wide brown eyes.

           TJ smiled at Cyrus and pulled him closer to his chest, “You are one of my best friends who I also happen to want to be more than friends with for many reasons too,” he said, still smiling, “Can I – you can totally say no if you want to but – can I kiss you?” he asked nervously. Cyrus did his adorable little scrunchy nose smile and then nodded at TJ, moving a little higher up on the couch before leaning in towards TJ’s face. Cyrus paused less than an inch from TJ’s lips and met TJ’s eyes like he was checking to make sure it was okay, even though TJ was the one who had asked, and TJ smiled at him before closing the gap and bringing their lips together in a sweet kiss. TJ felt Cyrus smile into the kiss before they pulled apart, looking into each other’s eyes and touching their foreheads together.

           “I’m glad you asked about that, I myself also wanted to know,” Cyrus said jokingly, like TJ had asked a math teacher a question the whole class was thinking.

           “Well, good thing I did, otherwise I would have missed out on the second-best kiss in the world,” TJ said back, biting back a laugh as Cyrus pulled away in shock.

           “Excuse me? Second best?” he asked, slightly offended.

           TJ smiled and placed his hand on the back of Cyrus’ head, gently bringing him closer again, “Because this one is going to be the best,” he mumbled out before their lips connected. It turned out that TJ was right, it was the best kiss in the world.

Notes: Sorry that it took so long to get this out, I hope you still enjoyed it!

[iamala]

Netflix's Sex Education was a show I thought I was going to hate watching the first couple of episodes but I turned out watching it all to love it.

And I've seen a few comments about how people were disapointed in Adam's storyline so- spoilers below- I wanted to expand on why I actually really loved it.

So the main criticism I've seen is that Adam plays into the homophobic bully is actually gay trope. Which, I fully understand as a reading. But, I actually disagree. Most of the characters and relationships in this show are set up as tropes and then play against them (Aimee as the dumb shallow promiscuous type who is actually taken advantage of and grows through having to explore herself is the quickest example I could think of bc i could write essays on them all).

Adam is a bully. He is set up from the off as the threatening kid, the one who acts out. And then with the viagra and flashing this it's played for comedy and like, dumb boy has feelings, still and idot. But then he gets dumped and the more complex part of his character comes out. Because he gets dumped and he can't let go of trying to find out why. This loss of an extremey emotionally shallow relatipnship really hits him, but not in the- wait I lost the Popular Pretty Girl who is the conquest I should own ego trope way a lot of his character types get. And this isn't a major noticable moment until you find out more about his family.

Adam's hoouse is shot like the 1950s, repression obviously. But if you notice, Adam kicks out looking for a response from his parents, his mother looks the other way and his father just pours increasing levels of dislike and disapointment on him. Note- at no point is this about homophobia or anything. Adam's dad is awkward like when trying to talk about sanitary pads, but at no point is he played as homophobic. He wants a trophy, not a son. This is brought to the front in the parallel with how he treats star student headboy and is later called out on by him ('It's not about my future it's about your sports funding' 'well, yes). So Adam tries to give him a trophy- the essay competition.

And notice throughout how the threat held over Adam is basically- give me a reason not to get rid of you bc I am being bery gracious in continuing to allow you to be my son. So, Adam gets thetrophy. And yes he cheated etc etc and it was never going to work but it backfires massively (however note how his dad still displays the trophy in a prominant position in his office-not for love of the son but almost as a-he could ar least give me this false trophy to show for his life).

Now, Adam and Eric's relationship is subtley complex and problematic, which it is meant to be. I don't think Adam is 'secretly gay' or repressing being queer. He was quite happy with Aimee, their issues where made a point of being based around his self esteem and confidence. But from ep 1 Adam has a fascination (not possitive) with Eric.

At the start Eric is the easy target. He is open, free, very much himself and unapologetic for it. Eric likes being able to have power over someone so comfortable with themselves. The basic feel powerless take power through violence thing.

However, as the show develops the moments the camera focusses on Adam's reaction to Eric are when Eric is being the most out and proud, so to speak. In Adam's eyes, the most provacative- and I mean that in Eric is crossing social boundaries and not being cowed by it, way. This is something Adam has been trying to do from the beginning. He's late, he's disrespectful. He's provocatively violent with the carving a table. Refusing to do work. Adam is provacatove and seeks a reaction and gets only ever derision and further disapointment. And throughout he sees Eric be provacative in a different way but still if Adam was doing it would be read as acting out by his father, and in response he recieves friendship, parental love.

Eric is something Adam is fascinated by less bc he desires him and more bc he desperately wants the freedom Eric seems to have to act however and find love in response. Now I'm not saying that is actually how Eric's life goes bc it isn't. But from Adam's point of view, and the moments the show draws attention to him seeing, it is.

And the turning point for Adam is the ball. Eric turns up the most provative he has looked yet, and his father follows. And instead of derision or disaointment Adam sees them communicate, understand each other, and respect each other and come closer in love. This is like watching an astrophysics lecture in a foreign language for Adam. He so desperately wants that and yet has no idea how it could even come to be. This boy has no emotional intimacy at all. Even his mother is simply emotionally absent if not actively abusive.

And he does what he does. He kicks out but you can see his heart isn't in it. And Eric does not give him a reaction- this moment is a very different moment from Eric's perspective btw. I'm focussing on Adam only bc I want to address how he complicates the apparent trope.

Adam has lost the only 'power' he had and he lashes out. He lashes out at Aimee's boyfriend and ultimately the confrontation with his dad is where their relationship finally breaks. It's over. I'd have to double check but I don't think we ever actually see them in a scene together again. Adam has finally abandoned ever getting that emotion from his dad.

Then comes that detention scene.

Now, this scene deliberately plays into the trope of the bully wanting the victim etc., but my personal reading is that it does so to play against it (the show is full of those moments, the aesthetic being a major one-borrowing an american visual film style and using that to play against later).

Adam sets up back as the bully. He makes Eric do the work etc. Then Eric calls him out on his relationship with his dad but also sympathises in a small but key moment with 'I couldn't imagine being scared of my own dad'. It's after this that Adam actually tries to reach out. Only Adam has 0 emotional skills so him reaching out is trying to take the music stand- i.e. offering to help- but it turning into a fight bc his act still reads as violence to Eric.

They scuffle and fight and end up on the floor. Now, if we were to follow this trope set up fully, the rolling around would be sexually based. That is usually the moment the bully gets the physical contact he's been craving, is over come by the sexual tension, and usually somewhat aggressive kissing breaks out as an explosion of this sexual tension.

But for Adam it is not sexual tension that is the issue, it's emotional. Eric spits at him and looks terrified. He expects aggressino in response. However, what is really interesting here is,the way Adam is holding Eric is not wholley aggressive. Not muscles strainging trying to contain physical violence. And his response is to spit back. Horrid and agressive in one way, but also the point he makes, asking how he likes it, is actually a moment that draws attention to the emotional harm of being spat at. It's a subtle writing clue but one that reakly struck me.

I, like probably everyone else watching that scene, was expecting the kiss. However, it being proceeded by that emotional emphasis, and also, the fact that Eric initiates got me. Usually in these scenes it is the bully's sexual frustration that comes to the fore and the trope is the victim expects violence and gets kissed instead, or they come together in an explosion of sort of violent physical frustration. But here it was Eric who lifted his head to initiate- though obviously still wary, and Adam responds tenderly.

In fact the tenderness Adam shows is overwhelming. This is the first bit of physical affection based on connection we've seen him have. And his response is to cradle Eric's face, to kiss his cheek and neck and down his body worshipfully. It is also one of the few sex scenes we don't see, we only see Eric's pleasure, bc in that scene, that is what Adam is focussed on.

Now I'm going to talk about possibly my favourite scene from a film perspective in the whole series new but I wanted to precede it by saying- I am not actually sure if Adam actually fancies Eric. I think he is fixated with him, but I think he craves being Eric more than Eric himself at this point. He wishes he could have that life- and I don't mean this in being out and proud, but in being able to explore and grow and be himself and be made stronger with love.

So, the biology lesson. Adam walks in, late, same bravado. They're made to sit next to each other and both do the overcompensating we're not friends nervous thing. And Eric hands Adam a pen. This is a caring move to Adam, and it's this moment when Adam seems to be just aching with want to reach out and be close to someone.

He inches his leg closer. He presses their arms nearer. And Eric doesn't resist but it's definitely Adam doing the reaching out. And then, he moves his little finger, and he moves it so slowly and the focus is making you feel how badly he wants to just touch, to hold hands, to connect. His want is communicated so well in the scene, and yet, their fingers never actually touch. The image feels such a perfect summary in a shot for Adam-bending and reaching towards connection he craves but still unable to touch it. The world hasn't changed.

Adam and Eric do not share another scene until the end. Adam's father sends someone to take him away and Eric sees it. Or rather, Adam looks at Eric and sees in him all he wants, and yet the world still being the same, it is made impossible for him to reach as he is detached forcibly from it.

Eric's storyline is about owning himself and being himself despite the fact he knows the world will hurt him for it- 'it'll be hard for me anyway is it not better to be myself'. Adam's storyline is about how he so badly wants to be able to grow and become more than he is, but how he is uncapable bc of his lack of emotional strength.

Note, Adam starts as a bully with a rubbish family, being threatened with being cut off entirely. Adam ends- still not really reformed, with a rubbish family, being cut off entirely. Adam doesn't develop, he's can't. His trajectory remains the same as at the  eginning of the story.

I don't think Adam plays into the repressive bully trope simply bc his relationship with Eric is not about his sexuality. Once Aimee is taken from him Eric is pretty much the only person Adam interracts with outside his family. It's not a good relationship. It's not a- oh kiss and all solved. It is problematic and meant to be so.

In the usual trope, Adam would be redeemed by admitting his sexuality and that would be what endeared him to the audience and made it possible for him to find a happy ending, either with the victim or elsewhere. In this story, Adam being cool kissing a guy isn't his millstone. Kissing Eric changes nothing for him, it only illustrates to us how desperately he wants connection just before he gets formally severed from any possibility of it by being taken away.

I fully get why some people have issue with Adam and especially his relationship with Eric. But if you look at it all the sex in the later episodes of the series are about emotional develpment. Aimee learns how to make sex pleasurable and finds the confidence to ditch her toxic friends. Alien girl whose name I have forgotten, discovered actually sex isn't what she wants right now. Sex goes from something done for the sake of itself in the early episodes to something that informs the character. Adam's first sex scene was him being unable to physically connect bc of his father. Adam's last sex scene was him wanting to emotionally connect, and ultimately being prevented from that by his father.

For Eric, his sex scene is much more- when you stop trying to be what people like an be yourself, you can find pleasure.

All the storylines in this show are problematic and this one pays against a problematic trope in queer media, however, in my opinion, it subverts it too. And I just wanted to ramble that all out just to put an differing opinion on Adam's ch out there.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #207

“it’s late, and you’re still staring at the light; to call it an addiction’s impolite.”

Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? Happy being a girl. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? When it's to people who are aware of how behind I am in the adult world in any context, yes. Very. If they know nothing about me, then I don't care. Are you confident enough to reveal your height and weight? Height, I don't care. Weight, fuck no. What do your parents call you? Both usually say "Britt," but Dad's more likely to use terms of endearment like "sweetie" and such. Well, Mom does use "hunny" a lot too. How old were you when you first got to go on the computer? Idr. About the "normal" age for little kids that played Neopets, probably. Would you say you’re an emotional person? Way too emotional. What’s a color that suits you the best? Black. And a color you just can’t pull off/don’t want to? Probably most... I wouldn't know, almost every single thing I wear is black. I have literally one light purple shirt, and I think that's the only non-black shirt I own. Describe yourself when you were 6 years old? Very talkative, extremely imaginative, outgoing, I was definitely weird, tomboyish, very happy... Man, I miss being that kid sometimes. A type of personality you just can't stand? The older and older I get, the more I cannot STAND a closed mind. I like people who accept they're far from always right, and sometimes, your "right" isn't such for someone else, and that is fine. You don't have to see the same way to still get along perfectly (though of course, there's no need to respect an opinion that spits upon, invalidates, or is just plain hateful towards another person/group). Like just as an example 'cuz I feel like I explained that poorly; I'm really not into the idea of polygamy at all, but I'm not against it for people it works with. You do you. Your appearance in one word would be? "Abilify." :^) City type of person or country? I like the live in a more country-ish area, but I found through Chicago I LOVE /visiting/ cities. What’s something you’re obsessed about right now? When am I not obsessed with Mark, meerkats, Silent Hill, opossums (a newer addition), WoW, etc. etc.? My whole life runs on obsessing over something, fren. Your reaction if someone told you you look 10 years older than your age? ZOINKS that would suck ass. Do you really badly want anything right now? For the past couple weeks, I've become more and more antsy to get up to Sara's again. When I land a job, fancyin' up my tattoo just because as I've said again and again it is SO important to me and must be perfect, then I'm saving up to go back up there. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? With all this job searching and such going on, it's like all I can think about, so why not mention what fucked me up at my previous ones: Putting me in a position of responsibility and expected knowledge. Ex., when I was a sales associate and was asked "Oh, do you have this?"/"Where is this?", it was CONSTANT PANIC MODE because I never knew and had to ask somebody, when I was expected to be a knowledgeable employee to the customer, and then comes the horror of feeling like I'm inconveniencing and annoying them. Have any particular standard look you look for in a significant other? I don't have a "standard look," no, but I am more likely to be drawn to a gothic appearance. But I don't actively search for someone that meets that criteria or anything. Do you listen to Wiz Khalifa? No. What are your opinions on marijuana legalization? Please legalize medicinal use already. Recreationally, idk. Do you date outside your own race? I'd have no reservations against it. I dated a Hispanic... less than a day, but still, you get the point that I don't have a problem with it. What are some of your turn-offs? SEXIST/MISOGYNISTIC, too old-fashioned, racist and/or homophobic, raunchy, arrogant/self-centered, lack of sincere interest and enthusiasm in conversation, poor hygiene, I'm gonna get SHIT ON for saying "too slutty," not taking dating seriously... that kinda stuff. I'm so picky. Are you gay, straight, bi, or trans? Bisexual. Are you vegetarian? If not, would you ever consider becoming one? I'm not now, but I hope to return to it after I get to my goal weight... In my few months of vegetarianism, it was proven that my immense pickiness with food was making the diet unhealthy for me, as I was strongly lacking in certain vitamins and such. I'm going to have to somehow overcome that if I want to return to it, which I REALLY do want to do the more and more I get into animal welfare and care. Are you in love? Yes. Are you more of a pessimist or an optimist? Pessimist, I think, out of the two. But I like to see myself as a realist. How much money is in your wallet? Literally just $11 lmao. What’s your favorite sex position? Only experienced in these with a man, so answering with that in mind. I like sitting on his lap, facing him, with my legs around his back. What do you ultimately wish for in life? Happiness and peace. Have you ever been pregnant? No. What do you think about tipping at restaurants? Tip your goddamn waiter/waitress, assholes. I do believe in tipping based on the quality of service, BUT at least give them SOMETHING for working. Do you have your driver’s license? No jkajdsklfaj;wer. I haaaave to practice more. Whenever I'm in the car, I always strongly prefer to listen to my music, controlling it from the passenger's seat, and at least right now, I can't drive with loud music, barely any at all really, so I have a hard time giving up blaring my music while Mom drives lmao. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No. What’s your favorite carnival food? Idk, I don't go nearly enough. Who did you last kiss? Romantically, Sara. Platonically, either my niece or nephew when leaving. Have you seen the final Harry Potter movie? I haven't even see one. Ever been called a slut? No. Would you ever have sex with someone not of your preferred sex? I'm bisexual so like- Would you ever get back together with any of your exes? No. Do you take any meds on a daily basis? Yep. What did you do today? Watched LPs as always; did some job searching; played WoW, way shorter than usual though; took a nap; made a new icon; took a shower; listened to music; did some social media scrolling. The usual stuff. What do you wear to bed at home? A tank top and pj pants. What do you wear to bed when you're somewhere else? The same, but with a bra. Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? I'll just talk about the unordinary ones, 'cuz I have a lot. The ones I'd consider "weird" are vomiting, whale sharks, and pregnancy. Vomiting is because it's just incredibly unpleasant, but also because I know what goes down is not supposed to come back up. Like no one likes puking, no shit, but I'm legit afraid of it and lock up on what to do when I feel it coming, like I don't know what to do. Whale sharks... ahaha. It literally came from World of Warcraft. The design of their mouths is fucking horrifying, and I hate hate hate how they sometimes phase in-and-out of the Vashj'ir map so just like pOP UP. NAH, SON. It's just their damn mouths, even though I know their esophagus is far too small to swallow a human. As for pregnancy, just... ew. I'm afraid of parasites, and it's a parasitic relationship. Something should NOT be growing inside of you. What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? I'm very compassionate, especially when it comes to others enduring emotional struggles. I really feel for hurting people. What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? I have strong morals and stick to them. I'll always stand up for what I feel is right. What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? Ah jeez, there's a lot... but probably my anxiety. It's held me back and manipulated my actions since middle school. I struggle not followings its rules, but I'm sure trying. Who do you most admire? Mark, my mom, Sara, Sara's dad, Steve Irwin... man, there's too many great people. Who do you most love? Sara, my mom, and my pets, Teddy especially. What three things do you look for most in a partner? EXPRESSING OF THEIR EMOTIONS/TRULY FEELING!!!!!!!!, compassion, and a cool head. If you could ask God (to atheists - IF there was one) one question, what? Hm. Good question... There's a lot, but mostly little wonders; I feel like I have a decent understanding of the god I personally see, so don't have any magnificent questions. Perhaps regarding why they created our world. That'd be interesting. Rate yourself on these traits from 0 to 10: 0 - do not possess this trait. 10 - you have great amounts of this trait. Calm temper: 7. Charm: *big shrug* Cheerfulness: 3-4. Confidence: 0-3. Courtesy: 8-10. Curiosity: 6-10. Forgiveness: 9-10. Generosity: 8-10. Greed: 0-3. Helpfulness: Well, I like to try to help, but I don't feel I'm very successful at that, so idk. Honesty: 5-9, depending on who I'm talking to and what the subject is, I guess. Loyalty: This is very flexible, and I don't feel like I can put a number on it. It depends on how deserving you are of the trait, and yes, you can lose my loyalty in a heartbeat if you give me reason to take it away. Optimism: 0-4. Patience: This can go from a whopping 0 to a 10, lmao. Very dependent on the situation. Self-sacrifice: 8-9. Wit: -10. Briefly describe your family. Kinda broken. Tight bonds scattered between certain people, no bonds with others. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? The breakup. I wouldn't wish that night upon Satan himself. How did it affect you? We know. Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? Speaking of that... Jason is in most nightmares I remember. The common theme is it's either after the breakup and we have an awkward running in with each other, or it's long before when everything was "perfect." All things considered, I'd call even that a nightmare. Those fuck with me the most. Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Do you have any close friends? I can count those on maybe two fingers. Of what are you most proud? Letting Jason go. Of what are you most ashamed? I've talked about the Joel situation multiple times. What is your religion? Theist. Where do you stand on abortion? Mostly pro-choice. Where do you stand on the death penalty? Sometimes justifiable and one's deserving end. Felons are lucky enough it's done humanely. Where do you stand on wearing fur? If you're not surviving out in the arctic, fuck you and all you stand for. Could you kill somebody? I'm perfectly aware I could in defense situations. For what reason would you kill somebody? Defending myself or loved ones. Hell, probably even strangers. I'd kill a rapist with zero fucking hesitation, even if they were assaulting someone I'd never seen before. Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No. Do you trust easily, or not? NOPE. What, if anything, would you sacrifice your life for? Defending peace, gay rights, or if it was to protect most of those I love. What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? Be a successful photographer, reach financial stability, come to a point where I'm actually proud of what I've done, play a roll in wildlife conservation, be happily married, and just overall be content and satisfied with my life. How do you plan to reach them? Working my goddamn ass off and not taking "no" for an answer (not about the marriage part tho lmao). Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? No. Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? I just want a pet family with Sara. What do you see yourself doing next year? Man, I don't have a clue... What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? I don't want to think of that. That's too far ahead. I'll be 43... I've gotta work on too many things now. Would you ever have an affair? I'm very curious as to who would actually answer "yes" to this. Would you ever have a one night stand? No. Lmaoooo actually this is sad as fuck, but I think I've said in a previous survey just knowing myself, if we were both single and clicked, I'd be doomed if it was Markiplier. My morals would sadly go out the window. If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? That's literally been the story of my life for years now, especially the past two. And it's torture. Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? No. Well, actually, I do want to do wildlife photography, and it can be pretty dangerous. Were you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? No. Do you have any famous relatives? No. Ancestors, yeah, but not close relatives. Are you a loyal member of any organizations? No. What type of criminal would you be? With how forgetful I am, I'm certain I'd be a very clumsy one that gets caught very quickly, lol. What are you listening to right now? "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? Um idk. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? Someone for a job interview. Do you drink? Rarely and/or for some special occasions. Never enough to get drunk. Do you smoke? No. What is the first thing you notice in someone? I guess posture? How they carry themselves? Do you get attached easily? BOY! DO I!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like your eye color? I wish they were more blue. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Definitely not bungee jumping, I know how I react to that kind of up/down movement, and probably not skydiving, either. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Both regularly since middle school. Are looks important in a relationship? Not very. What is your favorite thing to do? Binge a new song I fell in love with for like days lmao. What was the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? PhotoScape. It's easier to move watermarks for photos on there, and I was working on the ones I took a few days back. Do you like to gossip? No, I feel super guilty. What kind of computer do you have? An Acer. Do you know all the words to your national anthem? I think? Have you ever failed a grade? No. Have you ever made the opposite sex cry? Yes. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Nah. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Do you own a designer purse? Hell no. Waste of money for a goddamn purse that's just gonna get dirty and scratched. What’s the weirdest rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself? Jason and I magically had a baby over summer vacation when I was very obviously never pregnant. Do you say the "h" in the word “herb”? No, though I did for a super long time 'cuz I had no idea it was wrong. Do you speak any languages besides English? Not fluently. Can you run in high heels? I wouldn't really know, but boy do I doubt it. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? No. What do you usually order at Subway? Ummm I think white bread, ham, American cheese, bacon, jalapenos, banana peppers, and Chipotle sauce. I think that's it. Did an alarm wake you up this morning? No. How long is your mother’s hair? Past her shoulderblades, near the middle of her back. Is there any particular place you’d like to vacation to next? Surprisingly, I'd love to go somewhere tropical, like Hawaii or some shit like that. Somewhere with clear water and unique, beautiful wildlife and nature. What is your beer of choice, if any? Never tried beer, never want to. The smell is bad enough. That and I associate it with when Dad was an alcoholic. Did you share a bed with anyone last night? No. Well, other than with my cat. Do you know anyone who volunteers regularly? Yes. Have you ever ruined a nice pair of shoes, and how? Maybe, playing in puddles or biking through them and mud as a kid or something. Who were the last friends you went to hang out with? Sara. How many chairs are in the room you’re currently in? None. Have you texted a relative in the past week? Not besides immediate family. Are you doing anything important today? No. If I were to bring you any type of food right now, what would you pick? If I was actually hungry, I have been craving hotdogs on the grill like CRAZY lately. No clue why. When did you move into the house you’re currently living in? April-ish 2017. Do you ever sleep with the light on? No, I can't. Do you pray to Jesus? 20+ years of that did nothing. No. What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks? N/A Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard? No. Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world? I don't know; there's lots of factors to consider. Would I be willing to leave my pets (but Teddy, probably; I'd want him with me) with my mom? Would I have something like a camper? Where am I getting this money to travel and provide for myself? Do you know your next-door neighbor? Mom knows one, but I personally don't. What’s something you have never done? Lots of things? As an example, uhhh... I've never done a cartwheel, despite childhood efforts? Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person? Idk. Do you wish you were more of a free spirit? I think I already am, but it'd be cool to be more of one. Are you allergic to any medications? No. How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist? Tell me depression isn't real, my PTSD isn't genuine, I can "get over" my anxiety if I want to hard enough, stuff like that, and I will not fucking associate with you. These are things that have massively affected my life; I dare someone to tell me these experiences aren't real issues. What worldview do you have? A realistic one, I think. I'm positive in some areas, negative in others. Hm... I'm probably more pessimistic about the world's future, though. Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you? Duh? If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? Sara. What’s one thing you’d like to do more? Travel. What was your style in high school? Some emo/metalhead hybrid that wished with all her heart to be capable of affording a goth wardrobe and bitch I still do. What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t? Have a healthy teenage experience. Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously? I have for years for my cycle. I had just about debilitating cramps and sometimes periods that lasted over a week. Who is your personality twin? Sara is probably the closest. What’s a common name that you hate? Edward, above all. Not a big fan of William, Robert, or Allen, either. Who do you wish you were best friends with? If you don't count my girlfriend as "best friend," maybeeee... Alon still? Or Baylee. I need to talk more to her, she's awesome. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? I don't believe so. …in fairies? I believed in the Tooth Fairy. …in Santa? Yes. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. What is your newest hobby? Hm, I don't think I've found a new one for a long while... What gives your life meaning? I don't know. What motivates you to do what you do? The pursuit of happiness. What was the weather like the last time you went out? Too fucking hot. Do you go for walks often? No, though I really want to around a lake at a local, small park. Problems consist of no way to get there myself, it's WAY too fucking hot with my sweating issue, and my knees just wouldn't have it; I know I couldn't walk the full lap around it. Also expect some art installations around the path and probably the gazebo are PokeStops for Pokemon Go and really wish I could play it, so that's bait to do it lmao. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? It really depends on who I'm watching. Favorite on the face of the planet are Mark's ego projects, then my second fave are probably Shane's conspiracy videos, then I love let's plays. Do you need any new clothes right now? I seriously need more pants. And new bras. Do you collect anything? If so, what? Silent Hill merch and meerkat stuff. ^and if not, what would you like to collect? When I can buy shit myself, ya girl is gonna have way too much Markiplier merch. YouTuber stuff in general, actually. Too shy to ask for that kinda stuff now lol. Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think so. What was the last thing you ate? A burger. Do you ever eat food that’s intended for kids? ...? Like, baby food? No. Or maybe you mean shit like Lunchables? In cases like that, sometimes? What was the last stupid thing you did? Oh boy, who knows. Do you get embarrassed easily? You. Have. No. Idea. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, then uhhhh... I like Chloe and Adrian. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? Hell no. I'd never wanna see it, I'd never want my hypothetical child to have to witness that, etc. Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Wet clothes are no. Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight, I guess? Though my hair does swoop to the right, so it's kinda a wave? What was the last craft project you completed? Oh, yeesh. I don't do crafts. The closest thing was I guess Sara's Valentine's Day gift for last year? Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier is literally the only one that matters lmao and it's not "would like to meet in person," he will be forced to endure meeting me ok. Meeting Shane Dawson would be amazing, he's such a relatable sweetie, aaaaand #3 would probably be Rhett and/or Link, as similar to Mark, they deserve a tear-filled thanks as well as back-breaking hugs for seriously helping in keeping me alive through my suicidal year. I mean it when I say they genuinely helped me keep going. What color are your nails painted currently? They’re never painted. Do you use a pill box? No. List 3 people you know who were loving and then turned cold: Jason, Jason, and Jason. Have you ever felt threatened for your life? No. Which did you like better: high school or college? My college experience was horrid. High school had great memories, but of course negative ones, too. Which year of your life stands out to you as the most significant so far? 2017. …and why? It was my year of recovery from the breakup. What was the last store you shopped at? I went to Wal-Mart with Mom. I think that was the most recent, anyway. Do you have a favorite pharmacist? No. Do you have a favorite cashier at the grocery store? No. What’s something you discovered recently? I'm a Billie Eilish fan. What makes you more creative? Music. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? YO okay so when my brother and nephew were here, we went to the science museum and into a 360 VR-esque show about astronauts. I got SO nauseous and dizzy, but it was nevertheless extremely cool. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Just tonight! I ordered at a drive-thru myself. Would you rather ride a camel or an elephant? An elephant! Do you want to lose weight? You have no fucking idea. Which insects scare you, if any? Lmao most. Especially rhinoceros beetles, big beetles in general honestly, cockroaches, earwigs, centipedes... like a lot okay. I like observing praying mantises, but I would probably have a fucking heart attack if one was on me. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of a tiny insect? Well, yeah, though I get the likely survival reason, that being we know many are venomous, so we're naturally averse to them, especially if we don't recognize the type. Were you raised religious? Yes. Have you ever been abused? No, thankfully. Is there a coffee shop you like better than Starbucks? N/A If you could afford to get your hair professionally done, what would you get? Man, I have SO many color combination ideas. If I could get it done in the safest manageable way by a pro, I saw this look once with totally bleached/pure white hair that fades to blood-red tips, and BOY would I get that in a heartbeat. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope so. I think so. The only thing I imagine myself being weak with are tattoos. Do you know any rich people who are very irresponsible? I don't think so... List five careers that you’d like to have: Meerkat biologist, paleontologist, artist, poet, something in wildlife conservation/protection. List five far-out things that you’d like to do before you die: Scuba-dive, I'd LIKE to ride a rollercoaster (far-out for me, trust me), but I know I never will, and uh... idk. Riding a motorcycle would be cool, but that's another thing I hiiighly doubt I'll do. What was your first imaginary friend’s name? I never had one. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Chance, a cat my mom rescued. She was our very first family pet. She was absolutely incredible. Do you like to go barefoot? Unless I'm in a house, no. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? Yeah. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah. Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Oh, who to begin with? Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank or bitch? "Bitch" more than once. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? With Jason, yeah. And I don't think so, but maybe Sara briefly? Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. What would you do if you were pregnant? I don't have a fucking clue. Do you like cuddling? With someone I love. Have you ever cried in school? Yes, but I think I kept it private. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? A woman whose wedding I'm shooting this Saturday. Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act? Just making out. Where did you get drunk last? N/A What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? No. How did you do on the last test you took? I haven't been in school for a long time. How come you’re not going out with the person you love? I am.

[jamieoak-blog1]

Just A Touch Of Depression

Running with ankle weights is hard. Your legs are constantly being dragged down, you can’t go as fast as you’d like, and every muscle in your legs is screaming “OH MY GOSH STOP WE CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” Basically, you have to force yourself to keep running through the pain, through the tiredness, and through the misery. After a while running with the weights, you get used to them. You forget that you were ever able to go faster, in fact, you kind of forget that you can even take off the ankle weights. Soon that’s just how you run, you always run with these weights. Then one day they get a little heavier, and the process starts all over again.

That’s the analogy I most often use for depression. I’ve had depression for so long that I honestly almost forgot what it feels like to not have this horrible, oppressive burden hanging over me 24/7. I kind of just assumed that everybody else felt the same way, honestly. It really made me wonder how people managed to function so much better than I was. How can they make life look so easily? How can they manage everything that they do, while I struggle with the bare minimum? I still don’t quite remember what it’s like to not have depression, but at least now I’m getting a taste of what it’s like to take the ankle weights off, and man does it feel amazing.

Now, when I say I’ve had depression for a long time, I mean a long time. My counselor and I spent a lot of time looking back at my childhood, and it seems I showed a lot of signs of childhood depression as well. You know, lack of creativity, not playing or connecting well with my peers, super quiet and always reading, afraid to upset or anger anyone...yeah. But see, I didn’t even know depression was a thing back then. For one, they don’t really teach elementary school aged children the signs and symptoms of depression, it’s sort of assumed that all kids are happy all the time, and if they’re not playing or anything well then they’re just “shy” or “mature”. That’s just the basic reason for anyone to not realize they have depression as a child, that burden is mostly on the parents. Which brings us to my second reason why I was severely depressed as a child: My father.

My father is an interesting man. He’s very right-wing, very republican, very Trump, very homophobic, very angry, and very very very judgemental of anyone with any mental illness ever. See, he doesn’t believe in mental illness, therefore everyone with a mental illness (Be it schizophrenia to depression) must be lying for attention. My father was very big on saying that anything abnormal my sister or I did was solely for attention. There’s...quite a bit more I could say about him, but this paper is about depression, not the fine details of my childhood trauma. The basic story is, he was (is) a very angry man with severe anger issues, I had a pretty big mental breakdown over it last year, I’m in intensive counseling now for it and the best plan of action is to wait until I’m 18 and we can all move on with our lives. Okay? Okay.

So, with my father being the man that he is, you can see why I wasn’t in the most healthy of home environments growing up. Here comes the whole gay thing here, just a warning. Even looking as far back as kindergarten, it was pretty obvious I was gay, (or, “lesbian” I guess is the proper term, but I never use it since I feel it’s oversexualized and it makes me feel all ew) I mean, I can’t name all the small things that happened but trust me when I say it’s really obvious to me. Anyway. I’m in school, I feel all different, I can’t really relate to anyone, and to top it all off I’m put in the gifted program to further separate me from my peers. The perfect cocktail for a deep internal misery. My father, upon hearing I’m “gifted”, immediately makes me the golden child and kind of shoves my older sister off to the side. Expectations for me went up about 1000%, and I was expected to be nothing but perfect constantly all the time. I never really got a chance to be a kid honestly. I had times where I’d go over to my grandmother’s house and play with my cousins, but I’m a few years older than my oldest cousin, so I always felt a bit out of place. I guess I’ve always felt kind of out of place. I mean, you move schools as much as I have, with the home life I had, you never really get a place to call your own.

Now, we’ve got the background of about where I started being depressed, and we’re into the actual act of Being Depressed, which is sort of the point of this narrative. This is the part I’ve talked about a lot thanks to counseling and helping friends and giving talks at GSA, so this is the part I’m most comfortable with. Oddly enough, it’s also the part that makes people most uncomfortable, so be warned.

By the age of eight, I was under immense pressure from my father to be Perfect. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to be perfect. I have. Believe me, it’s hard. I think the worst part is trying to meet the impossible standards you’ve set for yourself, because no matter how hard you’ve tried, you not only disappointed whoever is pushing you so hard, but you’ve also disappointed yourself. Then when you feel like a disappointment, you tend to want to punish yourself. Naturally, that’s what I did. I wasn’t perfect, I could never be perfect, so in my eyes I deserved to be punished. The way I started down the dark road of self harm was by hitting myself. I started by just slapping myself across the face, and then moved onto punching myself in the face, before finally moving to only my arms and legs so that nobody would question the bruises. At the time, that was all I needed. It didn’t take much to make me feel like I was back to my okay, my normal. It didn’t seem wrong to me at the time. My thought process went something like “Okay, I did bad, I punished myself, now it’s all okay again!” Obviously, not a healthy coping mechanism, but at least I was able to hold off on the worse stuff until later.

The hitting continued until about 7th grade. All of a sudden, I could cover both thighs in bruises and I still felt bad. I still felt like I deserved worse, because I was such a disappointment and I needed to make up for it. At the time, I was severely depressed due to internalized homophobia, my father’s constant homophobic rants, my father’s constant rants about everything and anything in particular, the looming threat of possibly having to move to Texas, my math teacher loathing me, etc. My grades also started to slip because I just stopped caring. I was already bad, why should I care about my grades? To me, it didn’t matter. I was constantly told I’d become nothing at home, so I figured I might as well start now. I was in a very, very dark place, and if it wasn’t for my best friend at the time always being there when I needed them, I honestly don’t think I’d be here today. I had all these emotions and all this self hatred coursing through me every second of the day, and I was just so TIRED of it and I wanted so badly to get rid of it that I finally did the thing I regret most now. I started cutting myself.

Like most cutters, I didn’t start with much. One or two was enough to get the adrenaline and endorphins flowing, it was enough to get rid of the swarm of darkness and numbness that weighed on my shoulders every second of every day. After that first cut, I felt amazing for a few days. I felt so great that I pretty much cried afterward. I thought, this was it, I cured myself! I’m back to normal! Yeah, uh, no. One turned into five, five turned into ten, ten turned into twenty, and eventually I lost count of how many I’d do in a night. I was addicted. I was addicted, but if you’d asked me at the time I would have said I was completely in control. I didn’t think I needed it, but I did. I lived for the high I got afterward. I didn’t even care that I couldn’t wear shorts or short sleeves in the sweltering heat of spring and summer. I Didn’t Care. I finally found a way to feel normal and nobody was going to stop me from it. Until, as with the hitting...it was no longer enough. It stopped making me feel awake. It stopped getting rid of the darkness. Even now, I can’t tell you why I kept doing it, because I don’t know myself. Habit, maybe. Maybe I was just hoping I’d feel some shred of good after. Maybe I just felt like I deserved it.

I’d always thought, at least my hurting myself isn’t hurting anyone else. It just hurt me, and nobody cares about me anyway, right? Then I found out my best friend was also cutting. Suddenly, I felt so worried for her. I wanted her to stop because I felt she was too good of a person to have to deal with the misery that comes with hiding all the time. I found my heart pounding and my thoughts going to the worst every time she’d text me while feeling really down, or worse when she just wasn’t responding. That’s when I realized I wanted to stop. I thought it would be easy, you know, I could just throw away my razor and everything would be all fine and lovely. Well...addictions don’t work that way. It wasn’t long, probably a week before I found myself stealing pencil sharpeners and pulling the blades out.

It really makes you take a step back and look at your life when you’re desperately trying to get a blade out of a pencil sharpener for reasons you don’t even know. All you know is you need that blade, and you need it NOW.

I was a slave to my addiction. I wore the long sleeves, I wore jeans constantly, and I slipped further and further down into the darkness. I almost failed seventh grade, I’m still not quite sure how I passed. Eighth grade started much the same, but right before Christmas break a miracle happened: My father moved away. I fought as hard as I possibly could to stay in Michigan. I was called so many horrible things, I was told I was choosing to ruin my life, and that I’d never amount to anything. In the end, I still stayed, and my father left with my older sister. I again tried to quit cutting, this time with something called “The Butterfly Project” which actually worked pretty well for a bit, it’s a neat idea. As with everything else I’d tried though, it didn’t stick, and I was soon back to my old habits. And, of course, as must happen in every story like this, I got caught.

Getting caught was probably one of the worst and best experiences of my life. If you’ve ever been caught in a lie, you know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach that just kind of makes you want to bury yourself under the Earth and cry. It was like that, but a thousand times worse. Yet, at the same time, it was the greatest relief. It was no longer my secret. I didn’t have to hide anymore. Somebody else knew, and they would help me fix the mess I’d gotten myself into. Basically, it felt like my most shameful secret was on display for everyone to see, but I was so thankful that I didn’t have to hide anymore. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve also experienced hiding some huge awful secret for ages before finally having it exposed. If you have, well, isn’t it something?

Since it was a teacher who caught me, my parents were promptly informed. Time to think back to what I said about my father. Remember the thing I said about attention? Yeah, you guessed it. He was so ANGRY that I was cutting myself. He said, not only was I just doing it for attention, but I was also doing it to make him look like a bad parent. My mom was just...sad. She blamed herself for not noticing. I still feel kind of bad about that. I ended up thrown in counseling since my PCP at the time was a terrible, awful doctor who also didn’t really believe in depression. I’ve got some awful stories about her if you’d like to hear them, but this is already getting long so maybe later.

My first counselor was terrible. I don’t even remember her name. She never told me anything about herself, and she never really asked anything about me. She’d basically only say “So, Sophie, why do you cut yourself?” on repeat for an hour until our time was up and I had to leave. Essentially, it was torture, and I soon complained to my mom enough that I was able to stop going. I also learned how to act happy enough that nobody would be concerned about me. I was basically back at square one. Then, to add some more stress to my life, I moved from Saginaw to Clare and started my freshman year! I slipped back into my old habits, but this time with more knowledge of how to hide it. To everyone, I looked happy. Sometimes I was, yeah, but most of the time I just barely struggled through the day.

I made close friends with another student who was also cutting at this point, who I won’t name because they’ve since stopped and I don’t feel it’s relevant. We developed a casual way of speaking about depression and self harm and *gasp* homosexuality. I stopped spiraling downward. I was still depressed, but at least I wasn’t getting more depressed. I also began to work at accepting myself for who I am. Through freshman year, I dated this boy from my old school. It wasn’t a very healthy relationship, but I was trying to convince myself I liked boys, so I stayed with him until near the end of freshman year. I finally worked up the courage to accept that a) He was a toxic person to be around and b) I’m gay. I broke up with him, he spread rumors about me to a lot of my old friends, there was a big mess, but in the end it turned out for the better. I felt free. I felt lighter. I felt ready to tackle my self harm addiction.

Enter: Sophomore Year. Truly an insane year. The year I had one of the biggest moments in my life so far. It was November, and I’d had a bad day. Not just a bad day, but a Bad Day. In short, I was severely depressed, and my old self harming urge was back. I broke my 100+ day streak in a day that I still bear the scars of. You know how they say like, heroin addicts who go through rehab but then relapse are more likely to overdose? You could say that happened to me. Maybe my arm slipped, maybe the razor was too sharp. Whatever it was, it was too deep. I felt that the instant I made the cut. For the first time...I felt fear. I was terrified. Where my mind had been cloudy before, only one thought screamed now. I don’t want to die.

The smart thing to do would have been to wake up my mom and go to the hospital. I didn’t do that. I texted two of my friends: The close one I mentioned earlier, and one whose paper you might be able to relate to mine. I’ll called them A and B, respectively. I asked B how to stop the bleeding, and he gave amazingly calm advice, which I’m still thankful for today. I bled for half an hour, but it stopped, and that’s the important part. A gave me something else I needed. A made me feel guilty. A was scared, scared because of me. A panicked so much, and continued texting me until I’d calmed down and the bleeding had stopped. They then gave me a choice: Give them everything I’d ever used to hurt myself, or they would report me the next day. I chose to give them everything, as I had a fear of counselors at that point.

Thanks to both of them, I’m currently 667 days clean from cutting. I’m even wearing shorts! Can you believe it? Shorts! I get a lot of weird looks and questions, but still, shorts! A eventually talked me into starting counseling last year (Remember all my random visits to Mrs. Fedewa?) and I went through two antidepressants before finding the one I’m currently on, which works wonders for me. I’m finally able to talk about everything I’ve gone through. I spent so long just horrifically ashamed of how I felt, what I’d done. It felt like it would be the end of the world if anyone knew I was even in counseling, or on antidepressants. Since I’ve started on this long path of recovery, I find the talking gets easier. It got a lot easier when I had people telling me how much my openness helped them. The worst part of depression is the crushing feeling of loneliness. When you hear someone else has been through it, or is going through it too, you feel less alone. You feel less like a freak. You feel less broken. I try as much as I can to encourage people to just talk about how they feel.

I try really hard now to only set reasonable goals for myself. I still feel like a disappointment a lot, but I know now how to correct my thought processes so I don’t spiral on downward. I’m working my way back up to normalcy, it’s just going to take a while to get there. In a way, I’m going on a long and difficult journey that I know I have to do, but that I’m kind of scared of. What is it like to live without depression? What is it like to have energy every day? I’ve already got so much energy now, and yet I’m told I’m still considered depressed. What do normal people feel like? Will I be able to handle it when I find out? Do I even want to find out? I’m scared to leave my “normal” for the strange and unexplored land of “Living without depression”. I’m still going to go for it. It just takes the same mindset I use to get myself on stage. Sure, I feel so anxious that I might puke and/or pass out right now, but once I actually get going I’ll be enjoying myself too much to be anxious. It’s all just part of the process of getting myself mentally healthy again. I can’t wait to look back at this time period as an adult and feel proud of myself for being able to speak about what I’m going through. At this moment though, I’ve never felt happier. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I feel like I can do everything I’ve always wanted, and more.

I still have depression, of course. I’m still fighting my own battle. At least now, though, I know I’m fighting alongside a whole army of people. We’re all in this war together, and I know we can win.

Now, let’s go back to the example at the beginning. I’m still running with the ankle weights, and my gosh is it difficult. However, now I can hear my team cheering for me, I can see that I’ve jumped over most of the hurdles, and the rest of the race doesn’t look quite so bad. Want to know the best part? The best part is, for the first time, the ankle weights have gotten lighter, and I feel like I’m flying.

^^^ A lil essay I wrote about my life for my English class, thought y’all would enjoy it.