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hnslchw · 1 month ago

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if she wasn't your last - LN4 X Reader

Summary: You haven't felt this uncertain before. Now that doubts about Lando's lingering feelings for his ex have surfaced, you're struggling to move past them. As your insecurities grow, you're finding it harder to trust him, wondering if you'll ever truly have his heart.

Based on "Did you like her in the morning?" by NIKI. (highly recommended to play this while reading)

Warnings/Themes: heavy angst and overthinking insecurities (please let me know if I missed anything)

Word count: 1.2k

Author's note: hello everyone!! This would be my very first story im ever posting on tumblr, pls be kind. For the longest time l've just been appreciating everyone's stories. I hope you guys enjoy (pls tell me if there's anything I should change or look into tumblr settings wise). English isn't my first language and im a tad bit dyslexic please bear with me if there are any errors HAHAH but please comment what you think. Thank you <3

It was never hard loving Lando. It was a whirlwind, an intoxicating rush of emotions you never thought you'd experience. Someone like him, bright and vibrant, taking a chance on someone like you—a girl who had never been in a proper relationship before. It felt surreal, perfect, at least in the beginning.

His past relationships were never something you dwelled on. Everyone has a past, you told yourself. You were confident, secure. Or so you thought. But that was before you both went public with your relationship, before the internet got involved, before every picture of you two sparked comparisons you hadn’t asked for. His ex-girlfriend, the one everyone seemed to prefer, loomed like a shadow over everything.

Suddenly, you were scrolling through endless posts dissecting every detail—her smile, her style, the effortless way she seemed to fit into Lando’s world. You, by comparison, felt like an outsider.

You tried to brush it off at first, laughing along with Lando when he made jokes about the craziness of social media. But when you opened your phone, those comparisons started to chip away at you. Even worse, there were moments with Lando that made it impossible to ignore. Like now.

He was rifling through his drawers, his movements frantic, eyes wild with panic.

“Where is it?” he muttered, slamming another drawer shut before turning to you. “Have you seen it? My bangle, the silver one?”

You felt your stomach drop at the mention of the bangle. The one his ex-girlfriend gave him. He never talked about her, but you always noticed how careful he was with that piece of jewelry, how he wore it every day, like it was some kind of talisman. The fact that it wasn’t on his wrist now sent him into a frenzy.

“No, I haven’t seen it,” you said softly, watching him tear through his things.

“Damn it,” he hissed, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t believe I lost it.”

“Lando…” You hesitated, unsure if you should even say anything, but the words slipped out anyway. “Why does it matter so much? It’s just a bracelet.”

He stopped, looking at you like you’d just said something offensive. “It’s not just a bracelet,” he snapped. “I’ve had it for years.”

You took a deep breath, trying to keep your voice steady. “I know, but…it was from her, wasn’t it?”

He froze, the question hanging in the air between you. His expression softened, and he sighed, but he didn’t deny it. “Yeah, but that’s not the point. It’s… it’s sentimental, you know?”

You nodded, even though you didn’t quite understand. It was hard not to feel like you were competing with someone who wasn’t even here anymore, someone who left behind pieces of herself in Lando’s life that you couldn’t match.

“I get that,” you said quietly, “but sometimes… I feel like she’s still here. Like you’re still holding on to her.”

Lando blinked, his panic slowly giving way to confusion. “That’s not true. You know I’m with you.”

“I do,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. “But when you act like this—freaking out over something she gave you—it makes me wonder if part of you still wishes she was here.”

His gaze softened, guilt flickering in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. It’s not about her, I swear. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat, trying to believe him. But deep down, the doubt was still there, lingering, just like the bangle that had somehow become a symbol of everything you weren’t sure you could compete with.

That night, after everything settled down and the search for the bangle was abandoned, you lay next to Lando in bed. The room was dark, filled only with the soft hum of the city outside and the faint sound of his breathing. His arm draped over your waist, pulling you closer in his sleep. It was a familiar gesture, one that should’ve comforted you, but instead, your thoughts were miles away.

Did his hand find her waist like this?

The thought crawled into your mind, uninvited but persistent. You could almost see it—her leaning against him, laughing with that carefree confidence everyone loved, while he pulled her close, their night buzzing with that electric excitement.

Did he kiss her goodnight?

Did he hope the night would never end?

You close your eyes, willing the thoughts to go away, but they don’t. Instead, they morph into another image, one that stings even more.

Did he laugh with her over cold cups of coffee that he hated but still drank anyway?

You’d seen him do it a thousand times with you—pushing a cup of something bitter away with a grimace, teasing you about your questionable taste, but always taking another sip. Was it the same with her? Was she the reason he developed the habit in the first place?

The questions wouldn’t stop. Every memory you shared with him felt tainted now, overshadowed by the possibility that they weren’t really yours at all. Maybe you were just walking through scenes he had already lived, following in someone else’s footsteps, trying to fill a space that was never truly empty.

Beside you, Lando shifted, pulling you even closer in his sleep, but it didn’t feel like enough. You stared at the ceiling, blinking back the burning sensation in your eyes. You wanted to wake him up, to ask him Did you laugh with her like that? Did you hold her like this? Did you want her more than you want me?

But you didn’t. Instead, you stayed silent, letting the questions twist and tangle inside you like a knot you couldn't unravel, the truth too painful to confront. You turned to look at him, his features peaceful in sleep, and wondered if you’d ever know the answers to those questions or if they would haunt you forever.

In the early morning light, his fingers traced lazy circles on your skin, but his eyes seemed distant, lost in a memory that didn’t belong to you. Did he like her in the mornings too? Was his smile brighter then? Did he hold her closer?

The quiet moments between you were filled with unspoken questions, the weight of his past love pressing between every breath. He said your name softly, but it didn’t feel like enough to anchor him here, with you. You're falling, but you wonder—has he ever truly caught you? Or is his heart still wrapped in the warmth of a love that wasn’t yours?

You want to ask him. The question sits on the tip of your tongue, Are you still in love with her? But you don't. You stay silent, afraid that by giving voice to your insecurities, you'll make them real. You cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, you're overthinking it, that it's all in your head. After all, he’s with you now, right? That should be enough.

But deep down, you can't shake the feeling that you're sharing him with a memory, a past that he hasn’t fully let go of. And it's hard to compete with a memory. So, you keep your doubts hidden, tucked away in the corners of your mind, even as they threaten to pull you under.

Because in the end, you're afraid of the truth: that he loved her in the mornings, just like this. And maybe, just maybe, a part of him still does.

"I know it would be easier if I just didn't ask, but it'd also be easier if she wasn't your last"

#lando norris #ln4 #lando x reader #lando norris x reader #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #ln4 x reader #lando imagine #lando angst #lando norris angst #lando hurt #ln4 angst #ln4 imagine #lando norris imagine

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kissohee · 1 year ago

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hiii ! omg i haven’t used tumblr in years and i love love loooove your blog, it’s amazing !!

i was wondering what you could write about in a situation where sohee and y/n are studying for an exam in the library and y/n starts teasing him under the table and IDK YOURE MAGICAL YOULL FIGURE OUT THE REST I LOVE YOU 🩷

sohee x reader ☆ nsfw ; wc : 1.7k+ ☆ one-shot mdni! warnings; y/n has no personal boundaries, exhibition, handjob a/n; thank u so so much! lyt! ❣️

When the professor announced that an exam would be held about the current topic you were learning in class, you were in no doubt very nervous. You hadn't exactly understood the topic very well, so you knew if you didn't do anything about it, you were more than likely going to fail. Thankfully there was a classmate of yours who happened to really understand it, and you've heard from so many people that he really likes you too. So you jumped to the opportunity to ask him to help you study.

Which led you to now. Sitting in your schools public library, with books sprawled all over the table you were using. Sohee sat besides you, typing away on his laptop, marking off things you guys need to go over.

"We should probably go over this. Professor said it'll 100% be on the exam." He says, opening one of the books, trying to find the topic in it.

"Sure, whatever you think we should." You couldn't help but admire Sohee from up close. Yes, you've heard about him liking you from everyone but you never really saw anything in him. Until now. And you have no idea if it's because he's helping you or because he is just really cute. In fact, you think he's so cute to the point where you start imagining what he'd be like if you touched him. Probably whiney, might move a lot, or maybe he's just completely unpredictable. And you sure as hell wanted to find out. When he doesn't look, you place your hand on his thigh, pushing off it to stand up and stretch. When you look at him, you see him looking at his thigh, where your hand was, before balling up his hands out of nervousness. "Want to take a break?" He asks, looking up at you as you stretch. "No I'm okay!" You smile at him when he nods, and you sit back down, closer to him than you were before. Which he notices, because you see him take small glances at you through the corner of your eye. Your hand going right back on his thigh, trying to find any way to make it seem like you weren't trying to do anything on purpose, "I like the way your jeans feel.!" You take the opportunity to softly rub his thigh, fingers getting closer to his crotch and he nervously smiles. "What are they made out of?" "Uh," He freezes, "Normal jean material?" He is visibly confused on why you're acting different than you were before. You move your hand so it's near his crotch, taking notice to the way his bread hitched and how he freezes what he was doing. However, he tries very hard not to react in an obvious way. And you just keep it there, which confuses Sohee even more. In the back of his mind, he's praying you don't move your hand anymore than you already have. "Sohee, what about this one?" You pretend to act confused, dragging your hand up to point at the book, your fingers softly making contact with his bulge as you do. His hips shifting slightly from your fingers, a boner growing in his pants. He could almost die right now. You probably didn't even mean to touch him like that, or at least you were acting like you didn't. "Nevermind, I remember it was addressed in that one book." You pretend to look around for it, "Oh right, it's in my backpack." Your backpack, which just so happens to be on the chair next to him, has him quickly going for it. "Here, I'll-" "No it's okay, I got it." He sits back down in defeat and watches as you lean over him, reaching for your backpack. He feels you accidentally rub against him in the process, making him bite his lip quickly to avoid making a sound. When you finally grab your backpack, which felt like eternity to him, you sit back down in your chair. Pretending that nothing happened. Sohee though, was internally panicking. He's sitting in the library, helping the person he really likes.. study, and yet he is sitting here, with a boner. This is the most pathetic he has ever felt in his entire life. So he opted to just covering it with his sweater, and he's never been so thankful for him picking a sweater 2x his size.

However, it was hard to ignore the way he would shift in his chair every 2 seconds because of how uncomfortable he felt. Plus, he liked the feeling he would get of his pants rubbing against him every time he did. "Are you okay?" You ask him, pretending to be oblivious to the mess you started, which almost angered him. "Uh huh." He responded short and quick, trying to avert your attention back onto the stacks of books you guys had but you look at him with furrowed eyebrows instead. You look at his hands, which are in his sweater pocket, helping to pull it over to cover his bulge. "What are you doing?" "Nothing!" He yells quietly, remembering you guys are still in the library. "Let me see!" You place your hand on him again, causing him to jolt. "What?" You move your hand to reach for his sweater but he quickly holds it down. "No!" He says louder than he meant to, and he takes a quick look around to make sure no one was looking. "Sohee," You whine, "It's not a big deal!" "But," his grip on his sweater loosens and his voice gets smaller, "It's embarrasing." You grab his sweater and push it up a little, revealing how hard he was. When you look up at Sohee, he's avoiding eye contact, looking everywhere but at you. When you place a hand over his growing cock, he grabs his sweater to cover it again. "Please don't do that." "Sohee," He shakes his head and sits up straight.

"There's people.." He looks around again, as if trying to prove the fact that other people were only a few feet away from you guys. "They won't know." You whisper into his ear, sending shivers down his back. "It must hurt a lot." He nods, his face bright red from embarrassment. "So please let go." The second you say that, he let his hands fall to his side, allowing you to once again lift his sweater. "Pretend you're reading or something so people don't think anything weird." He immedeatly grabs one of the books sitting on the table and starts pretending to skim it. However, he loses his focus the second your hand is placed on his bulge again. And he swears he could see stars when you started moving the palm of your hand in circles on it. His cock is so hard, you swear it could break his zipper open so using his sweater to cover, you unzip his pants and pull his cock out. "You did this on purpose.." He looks at you, his eyes soft. "What.?" You softly rub your thumb against his slit and he holds his hand above yours, hesitant on stopping you. "All the te-teasing." He softly drops the book on the table, giving up on trying to look like he was reading it. His attention fully falling on you. "Yeah," You let your thumb run against his slit again, "But you're not mad, right?" "H-how could I b-be..." He stammers over his words when your hand starts pumping him fully. Allowing him to finally feel the pleasure he's been wanting to for the past 10 minutes.

His head falls back, and he starts shifting his hips to the same pace as your hand. His teeth holding his bottom lip, failing when he lets out a small whimper only you could hear. "You're so cute," you tell him, looking at him with a smile while he's clearly struggling at keeping quiet. When he whimpers again, it's a little louder than before. "Shh, Sohee.." You stop moving your hand, "We're still in public. You don't want to be caught, do you?" "So-sorry..," He bucks his hips up into your hand, asking you to continue. "Please please please..." He almost forgot other people were around you guys, but he couldn't care. He just needs to cum, and if others are watching, then so be it. He lets out more soft pleads until you start moving your hand up and down his cock again. Adding your thumb against his tip every once in a while. His hips lifting up to fuck your hand, and you let him. Wiping off the sweat that falls from his forehead. When he notices that you stopped moving your hand again to let him fuck up into it, he takes his and forces you to move it. He's just using your hand at this point, and he feels himself get closer. "F-fuck please continue...." "Are you close?" He immedeatly responds with quick head nods, his eyes closed shut. The longer you look at him the more you wished you hadn't decided to do this in the library of all places. "You look so..." You trail off, "I really wish I could kiss you right now." When you said that, Sohee felt his heartbeat speed up at a rate he didn't know it could go. He would love to respond, or maybe even kiss you, but he just can't find the strength in him to do either one. "Shit.." He can't believe his about to cum in public, and yet just thinking about that is helping in getting him over the edge. "Y/n... Ahh.... Ah fuck.." He whispers out moans as his hips twitch, you help him ride his high. He feels his cum warm against his skin, watching as your hand comes out from under his sweater, covered in it. When he finally gets ahold of his breathing, he looks around for a tissue of some sort but when he couldn't find one, he takes your hand and cleaned it off using his sweater. He could just throw it in the wash the next time he does landurary. "Let's get out of here." Sohee stands up, adjusting himself. "Why?" You look at him confused when he starts grabbing your stuff. "It's your turn."

i hope this was good! ik these type of fics are written a certain way but i wanted to change things up a bit. 😵‍💫 - 🐠

#𐙚 anonies #𐙚 naakzak #riize smut #sohee smut #sohee x reader #𐙚 riize talk

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peachglumpear · 5 months ago

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twitlonger doesn't work anymore so i've decided to compile my thoughts on tumblr.

there are two reasons why tvskyle being arrested for csem enrages me aside from the obvious of the matter.

tvskyle was a known predator for years. if you google his name and "callout" there are troves of information about his harassment and predation to women. back when i had a professional art account despite that i was not an animator or heavily in animation circles this was public knowledge even to me.

2. this is what happens when people refuse to acknowledge predators can and will co-opt GOOD GUY / BAD GUY language to infiltrate and stay in circles.

anyways, that is the short version. this is the long version where i get into topics regarding abuse and harm that may be triggering.

first off, let's get over how using the word "paraphile/paraphilia" has become fearmongering and taking the words away from what they actually mean. "paraphilia", at its most base level definition means "a paraphilia is an experience of recurring or intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, places, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals."

if you like BDSM, you're a paraphile. if you like bondage, you're a paraphile. if you like pregnancy, you're a paraphile. if you like fictional brothers kissing, you're a paraphile.

considering the DSM used to characterize homosexuality as a mental illness until 1973 (51 years ago, not that long in hindsight!) if you are not a cisheterosexual white man and like anything that is not cisheterosexual sex intended for the sole purpose of procreation with the intent to create children, you have a paraphilia.

paraphilia/paraphile in both proclaimed 'anti' and 'proship' spaces is becoming the new 'pedo', which is really just BAD PERSON. do not interact with me if you are a BAD PERSON who does BAD THINGS. BAD PEOPLE get away.

the reason why i do not have any disclaimers about "antis/pedos/zoos/etc dni" in my bio is because to me this is the same thing as saying "serial killers dni" ...i don't mean to sound snarky, this is just what it boils down to. if a person is out there harming someone, human or animal:

i do not know why they would proclaim this information publicly.

if someone is harming real beings, i do not think they would respect text on a screen if that very prominent line in the sand has already been passed.

tvskyle fits the mold for animation dudebro who was established in the industry of his choice despite the open knowledge of his predatory behavior. i cannot testify to if anyone knew he was possessing csem before he was officially arrested, but it was definitely open knowledge that he was the kind of man you wouldn't want left alone with female coworkers. some of this behavior was bad enough that even male coworkers would avoid him.

tvskyle also coopted proship/anti terminology.

this isn't me knocking on someone for their age, but when i first saw tvskyle posting about of all things, invader zim yaoi, my first thought was "why in the world would a 45 year old man who is an industry professional be so obsessed with arguing online about cartoon smut."

i guess you can argue about stupid things on the internet at any age at any level of industry success. but it was bizarre to me because it's not as though cartoon smut of any problematic variety should be news to someone working in animation in their 40s. The animators on the original Beetlejuice made jokes that BJ's fingertips were red from fingering Lydia on her period. The rugrats storyboarders drew horny jokes. There's infamous posts about animators finding the secret smut vaults for their shows. Cartoon smut has basically existed as long as cartoons have existed.

and then you find out tvskyle also drew pokemon porn that involved may (age 12), brock (age 15) and max (may's younger brother, age 8.)

wow, kyle! a threeway between a 12 year old and her 8 year old brother! that seems pretty problematic! incest and shota combo!

but i guess that's not an issue. it's not problematic when i draw it because i'm not a BAD PERSON.

tvskyle became weirdly obsessed with calling people out for cartoon smut despite that he drew smut you could categorize just as problematic in nature. and then he was found possessing some of the worst csem you can be found possessing. and he was found possessing over *600 images* of csem. that isn't something you gather overnight.

so there is the uncomfortable truth of the matter that predators can and will co-opt terminology to blend into any space. and this can happen anywhere. if someone wants to get under the radar in anti circles, they will rave about how bad cartoon smut is. if someone wants to get under the radar in proship spheres, they will adapt and use the appropriate terminology for that sphere.

and this is why to a whole, i find it incredibly reductive to use terms that reduce people into bad person / good person because at its most harmful, all it does is protect people who are continuing and perpetuating harm to real people.

i think everyone needs to acknowledge their capacity to harm as much as their capacity to heal. and before you think "wow peach that is a really wide assumption i would NEVER hurt someone like [x]" yes, i know, imaginary stranger in my head, this is not what i am saying.

what i mean when i say we all need to acknowledge our capacity to harm is because i believe the choice to be a good person or a bad person is a choice you make every day. if i am a "good person" my whole life and then one day...i don't know. i steal money from a homeless person, or i throw a drink made wrong in an overworked barista's face. all of the "good things" i have done would not cancel out that in those theoretical moments, i was not a good person. in fact, in these hypothetical scenarios, i was very nasty.

there have been days where i've had to be the friend who sits another friend down and talks with them about how something they said or did really hurt me. and likewise, sometimes i've had to come face to face with when i wasn't the good friend. it hurts both ways but let's be honest, someone hurting you doesn't come with the same fearful sting of "i hurt my friend. do they think i'm a BAD PERSON. am i the BAD PERSON now?"

and none of these conversations would have been productive or involved growth or greater understanding if they had come from the angle of YOU, a BAD PERSON, hurt ME, a GOOD PERSON. (on either end.)

i think acknowledging your capacity to harm simply means acknowledging you're human. you won't always be right. you will mess up and that's simply a part of the human experience. but being able to take accountability and examine when your actions have caused harm will be more beneficial to yourself and your loved ones in the long run.

the person who groomed me would not admit they had groomed and exploited a minor because in their mind, they are not a BAD PERSON.

the person who abused me would never admit to these things because in their mind, they are not a BAD PERSON.

to be a BAD PERSON is to lose everything because being a BAD PERSON is not to be any person at all.

of course these people never took responsibility for the harm caused to me.

only BAD PEOPLE do BAD THINGS.

the uncomfortable truth is there is no way to ping with 1000% accuracy someone intent on predation and harm. there are predators in white vans lurking outside of high schools, but the predators were also the charming and well spoken teachers who were very popular with coworkers, parents and their students. some people are simply better at adapting and blending in the system they want to exploit than others.

i think tvskyle fell somewhere in the middle. other inappropriate behavior of his was well known, but this wasn't enough for him to be blacklisted. as we all know, sexually harassing women is not a firable offense. for people missing the 50's, feel assured some thing have not changed. (<- very biting sarcasm.)

tvskyle is definitely not the last predator in animation, but what do you expect from circles that are essentially glorified high school cliques that only require ego stroking and circlejerking.

tvskyle may have been the most recent predator found, but he is definitely not the only one and anyone acting otherwise is just leaving the door open for these people to continue perpetuating harm.

#rambles

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notreallysorryxx · 2 years ago

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#”No Matter What”

You’re just a retainer for the Kamisato family. But Ayato falls deeply in love with you, which surprises the public.

Warnings: a bit suggestive(?)

Characters: Kamisato Ayato

Note: This is for my secret santa from the 2022 Genshin Secret Santa Event on Tumblr (@throwaway-yandere)

Words: 1.7k

Whispers circulated around you whenever you walked next to your fiance, Kamisato Ayato. It wasn't uncommon for people to gossip about you, saying you were unbefitting and unworthy of such an amazing man like Ayato. He was handsome, he was the head of his family, and he contributed greatly to Inazuma, unlike you. You were just his retainer that he happened to fall in love with. Some people thought it was sweet, a cute love story. But others were against it, saying that the marriage would be a disgrace to the Kamisato family. Those against it prayed to the Shogun that the marriage would fail.

At first it didn't bother you, but the whispers grew. You couldn't walk into a room without hearing rude remarks about you. Ayaka tried to reassure you that you were going to be a perfect addition to their family. As much as you appreciated her, it was hard to believe her when there were so many people that thought differently. It bothered you immensely and you resorted to staying inside the estate, wrapped up on your futon. You barely went out anymore which was worrying to Ayato. He always made sure to have Thoma watch you.

Thoma's presense was calming and he was nice to talk to. He would make whatever you wanted to eat, keep you entertained, and balance his usual chores. You honestly felt a bit bad that he was doing so much. After all, he was a retainer, just like you, but he did all the work. It couldn't really be helped though because Ayato demanded that you never cooked or cleaned. However, you would make the occasional dinner for the two of you, and sometimes Ayato would help. You missed the outside world a bit and you were tempted to go out. Just how many changes had there been after the Vision Hunt Decree? It was a bit nervewracking to go out, you didn't want to go alone either. In the end, you went to ask your fiance to go with you, hoping he wasn't too busy.

The walk across the estate towards his office was quite calming. There was only a light breeze and the air wasn't too cold. It helped you relax a bit before you arrived at the door to the room. You were about to knock on his door, when the door opened, a smiling Ayato standing in the doorway. "Hello, darling. I didn't think you would come visit me in my office today. I fully expected you to be waiting for me on your futon," he reached a hand up to caress your cheeks, pushing hair out of your face. "Is there something you need?" It was as if your words were caught in your throat. You wanted to say "Can we go into town today?" but what came out was a croak that sounded similar to a small toad.

Ayato simply hummed, amused at your loss of words. "What was that, dear?" Your ears warmed significantly, as did your cheeks which you were sure Ayato felt in his palm. You tried to swallow, mouth feeling dry. "Can we... can we go into town today?" you asked quietly. Ayato's smile disappeared, being replaced by a serious look, "Are you sure? Don't force yourself." You nodded, you were mostly sure. Although you weren't completely certain that you wanted to face the people in town, you hoped to get over the anxiety of being seen by so many people in a bad light. Plus, you would have to be seen with Ayato once you got married. The Kamisatos's public image was important after all.

"Absolutely sure?" he asked again. You nodded once again. Ayato's thumb traced the outline of your lips, "Use your words, darling. Are you absolutely sure?" Why was he always so cheeky? Your ears burned even more than before, "I'm sure, absolutely sure." He grinned, leaning down to give you a quick kiss. "Give me a few minutes and then we can leave, okay?" "Okay." He gave you another kiss, turning to go to his desk. "If you want, you can go wait outside." You decided to do just that, greeting the guard at the entrance of the estate. Thoma happened to pass by you, also greeting the guard and you. "Are you going out today?" he asked. "I want to go, but it's stressful. Ayato is going with me, so it should be okay," you grinned sheepishly.

Thoma nodded, "Have fun. By the way, if you go to the grocery stall, could you pick up some rice and tofu? We're running out and I plan to try to make chicken tofu pudding for dinner. And Ms. Kamisato wanted some of my special miso soup." He scratched the back of his neck nervously, "I'm sorry, you probably want to spend time with Ayato." You smiled at him, "It's fine, Thoma. I've been wanting to help with your errands anyway. I wish I was allowed to work." You sighed. "But he won't let me." A chuckle came from Thoma, "Of course he wouldn't let you. He wants his 'lover to be spolied', that was an exact quote, mind you." "What are you two up to?" Ayato's voice interrupted your small talk with the retainer. "We were talking about you," you spoke up.

"About me? What about me, dear?" "We were talking about—" "About what you were going to do when you go to town today. Since, they haven't been out in a long time," Thoma interrupted you. You watched as Ayato's eyes sparkled. He obviously wasn't buying Thoma's quick lie, but let it pass anyway. You had a hunch that perhaps he knew what had just been discussed anyway, even without you telling him. He was just intuitive like that. "Well, anyway," Thoma cleared his throat, "I should probably... get back to work. The estate won't clean itself." Ayato smiled at the retainer, "That it won't. We'll be leaving as well. If anyone should visit while I'm away, please inform them of my outing." Thoma bowed, saying a quick 'of course', and left to go complete his household duties.

Seeing as it was just the two of you, Ayato turned his attention to you. "Would you perhaps wish to carry a Kamisato family fan with you? Or maybe one of mine or Ayaka's robes?" A fan? Weren't those only for members of the family? Although you were engaged to the commissioner, you had yet to marry, meaning you technically weren't part of the family yet. "Ah, no thank you," your face heated up in abashment. "As my darling wishes." Ayato outstretched his hand which you took, "Let's go explore the town." And with that, the two of you were on your way to shop and traverse the shops.

Your stomach became full of fluttering crystalflies as you stepped past the guards stationed near Byakko Plain. Ayato stopped for a moment to greet them, introducing you as his fiance. As per usual, he introduced you in a manner that seemed as if he was boasting, which he very much was. He always introduce you the same way: "Here's my wonderful fiancé. I assure you that they are one of the best people to acquaint." And when someone would ask how you two met: "Ah, funnily enough we met at my estate. Their charm was too much for me, and I simply fell in love with them." Everywhere you two went, you saw unfamiliar faces. There were only a few people you recognised. Ayato informed you that a few of the people you had previously met in Inazuma City had relocated to Watatsumi Island during the Vision Hunt Decree and still lived there. He promised to introduce you to the priestess and her top general as well.

One familiar person you bumped into while in the city, was none other than one of the few people that had previously gossiped about you. They were surprised to see you, apparently they had been hoping you had broken off the engagement. You tried to pay no mind to them, but no matter where you and Ayato went, they would follow. Store owners and citizens alike, looked at them with disgust. It appeared that no one really like them. The adventure out into the city was going successfully—as successfully as it could with the person following you—until they said something that made you freeze. "Why are you even dating such a well-off person, huh? Your worth is nonexistent, you'd be better off dead," they spat.

At those words, Ayato immediately turned on the person, a glare directed at them. "Would you like to repeat that? I will have you know that that was extremely out of line. Next time you decide to talk about someone in that manner, think about yourself." When he looked back at you, his features softened. Your eyes were watering slightly, on the verge of tears. "Shall we go home, dear?" He didn't wait for a response, picking you up in his arms, and carrying you back to the Kamisato Estate. Ayato carried you all the way to his office, setting you down on a cushion. He kneeled down in front of you, pressing a kiss to the hand he grasped. "My darling, my love. Do not take their words to heart. They know nothing about what they were speaking about. You're the most wonderful person to exist. Your worth is not nonexistent, you're worth everything to me."

He paused to take a breath before continuing, "I love you, and I will always love you no matter what. My love for you is something that cannot be measured. And I assure you that I will never let you go, unless that's what you want." "No, I never want you to let go of me... please," you threw your arms around Ayato, pulling him impossibly closer. "I love you, too. Please never let me go." "Anything for you, my dear," Ayato replied quietly, wrapping his arms around you. His embrace was comforting to you. So comforting that you drifted off in his arms. At least, when you would awaken, Ayato was sure to be there...

#gixrsecretsanta2022 #genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #kamisato ayato #ayato #kamisato ayato x reader #ayato x reader

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baby-walsh · 2 months ago

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Love's Tavern

Summary: Rick discovers a new side of himself at Love's Tavern.

Tags: Sex Club, Glory Hole, Bi-Curiosity, Cheating, Masturbation, Semi-Public Sex, Anonymous Sex, Gay Sex, Internal Conflict

Rick Grimes/Shane Walsh

Explicit 18+

Notes: I don't upload here anymore because tbh I kinda hate Tumblr, but it was requested so here we are.

Rick has been struggling recently. Getting into fights with his wife and trying to keep that fact hidden from his twelve year old son, Carl. He’s not even sure what they’re fighting about most of the time, but it’s hard to spend ten hours at work then come home not knowing which side of his wife he’s going to get. It doesn’t help that he’s been getting a lot of domestic violence calls lately. He can’t escape the fighting even at work.

He’s growing increasingly frustrated with life. Meanwhile, his best friend and work partner, Shane, is doing well in comparison. He’s unmarried, no kids, no one to answer to. He’s handsome and smart and does a good job at work. Rick wouldn’t want to have anyone else as a partner. He’s only slightly jealous hearing about Shane’s latest conquests. Rick swears he has a new girl in his bed every night. He zones out listening to Shane go into graphic detail, thinking about how he himself hasn’t gotten laid in three weeks.

“Hey man, you okay?” Shane finally notices that Rick isn’t listening. Rick shrugs.

“Sorry, yeah, I’m just tired,” he replies. “Carl’s having a hard time adjusting to the school schedule after being able to do whatever he wanted all summer. We didn’t get his routine established in time. So he’s cranky every morning and Lori acts like it’s somehow my fault. I’m the bad guy.”

“I’m sorry, man. He’s a good kid. He’ll adjust.”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“Why don’t we have a drink after work, huh?”

“So I can get yelled at for not coming straight home?” Rick rolls his eyes. Not at Shane or his suggestion, but knowing that Lori would be pissed even at the hypothetical scenario.

“C’mon, I’ll call and tell her it’s my idea, okay? Just one drink.”

“You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“Okay, then don’t tell her we’re having a drink. Tell her it’s a mandatory meeting.”

Rick’s thinking it over when a call comes in, interrupting Shane’s begging.

By the end of the thankfully uneventful day, Rick decided fuck it. He’s a grown man and he can go have a drink after work with his friend if he feels like it. And if Lori doesn’t like it, then that’s her issue.

Rick’s sitting at the table with Shane and a couple other guys from work. They’re just chatting about the day when one of the guys mentions a club that just opened up across town. Shane and Rick were talking amongst themselves when it was mentioned. Shane stops and looks over at him.

“I’m sorry, did you say sex club?”

“Yeah! My friend emailed me a link to the website. It has the address and the rules and whatnot.”

“Sex club? Is that even legal?” Rick asks.

“It’s anonymous from what I saw on the website. I think it’s mostly gloryholes.”

“What’s it called?” Shane asks.

“Love’s Tavern.”

“Why's it called that?”

“I think it's to be discreet.”

“Huh, I don’t really get the appeal. I’m just saying if I’m getting my dick sucked, I wanna see who’s doing it, y’know?” he adds, taking a swig of his beer. He nudges Rick, who fell into contemplative thought again. “Right?”

“Well, I’m married, so there’s no mystery there,” Rick laughs weakly at his attempted joke. “But I mean yeah, even if I was getting blown…” he trails off, staring at the wall again.

“Damn, Rick, maybe you should visit this place.”

Maybe he should.

Rick gets home a little later than he intended, having had more than one drink with Shane. It’s nine PM when he stumbles in, exhausted and ready to shower and sleep. He’s in the bedroom unbuttoning his uniform shirt, getting ready to shower when his wife Lori walks in. In an instant, the mood of the room shifted.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Was with Shane.” he mumbles.

“Were you drinking? Oh, don’t mind me,” she mutters, making a point to push past him to sit on the bed while she takes her earrings out. “I was just putting our son to bed. He asked for you, by the way.”

Rick sighs, looking towards the door. Lori sees and snorts.

“Don’t even bother. He’s already asleep.”

“He knows I work long days.”

“Not long enough to go drinking for who knows how long while I’m here picking up our son from tutoring, making dinner, helping with homework, packing lunch for tomorrow and on top of that cleaning the house.”

“He does his homework with the tutor,” Rick groans, really not wanting to have this conversation right now.

“Yes, usually, but he has a science project to do.” Lori purses her lips.

“I’m sorry, okay?”

He hopes that she will just drop it. He kneels in front of her and takes her hands in his.

“Work has been stressful lately and I just wanted to spend some time with my friend and not think about it for a while.” Rick explains. Though he feels he shouldn’t have to because, between the two of them, only he has been shot at and almost killed.

“You spend way more than enough time with Shane,” Lori says, snatching her hands out of his. She gets into bed, pulling the comforter over her legs. Rick stands up and stares at her.

“Can I make it up to you?” he asks.

“Whatever way you think you can.” she replies primly.

“Can we have sex tonight?” His tone is defeated and his shoulders slump even more when he gets the answer,

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Whatever,” he grumbles. He grabs clean boxers and pajama pants from his drawers, slamming them shut as he goes to the bathroom.

“You’re going to wake Carl!” Lori hisses.

He leaves the room and doesn’t look back.

Rick’s never cheated in his life. Not in anything or on anyone. The idea of cheating on his wife should be the furthest thing to ever cross his mind. But he can’t handle this growing frustration any longer and he can only jack off so much.

It’s been two days since their fight and Rick and Lori have spoken only a handful of words to each other. Rick made an effort on his day off to spend it with his son. He even helped with his science project, giving Carl ideas on what to do. He mowed the lawn, took the trash out, and pulled the autumn decorations from the attic. He told Lori that he’d make dinner so that she didn’t have to worry about it. Yet it wasn’t enough to stop her from criticizing him. Only in a slight, backhanded way when in front of Carl. His efforts went unrewarded by his wife.

This morning, Rick woke up with a headache and the smell of burnt pancakes filling the room. He laid in bed, contemplating his life choices, when he heard his wife and son arguing.

Another day of hanging out, doing some chores, taking Carl to the park, and getting fast food for dinner. Rick feels good about the time he spends with his son, but he feels looming anxiety about Lori. He doesn’t know what she wants him to do. It’s not like he’s unappreciative of the things she does. And he does things too. Mostly the things she can’t do. And the things he can’t do, he gets Shane to do.

Maybe it’s the animosity that’s driven him to this point. Quite literally, he thinks, as he stares at the sign on the building. After another night of being spurned, instead of masturbating, Rick jumped in his car. He didn’t think about where he was going, but subconsciously, he knows why he ended up here.

Love’s Tavern

The place is well lit, but out of the way. Hidden, in a way, like you wouldn’t see it if you didn’t know it was there. Rick steels his nerves as he gets out of the car. He’s just going to check it out. He locks his car, then heads inside the building. The heavy wooden door leads to a foyer with another wooden door. He opens that one then walks up to the desk.

“Welcome to Love’s Tavern! What are you looking for today?” the cheerful girl at the desk says.

“Well, uh, I’ve never been here.” Rick says, suddenly nervous. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Maybe something darker, more seedy. He definitely didn’t expect a perky blonde explaining the types of rooms and experiences they offer. She explains the rules and safety precautions. Rick’s heart starts to pound as he realizes that he’s actually going to do this.

“And it’s just $35 to get in. It’s to cover maintenance of the facilities and we provide condoms and lube, so it also goes towards the cost of covering that.”

“Oh, uh, sure,” Rick pulls out his wallet, handing over the money. She asks if he wants a receipt and he declines. “Um, so, you mentioned one side being…straight? Can you explain again?”

“Oh, absolutely! So, this side to your left is designated for ladies and the right side is designated for men. So pick your preference and if you ever forget, just look at the lights! The ladies’ side is lit up pink in the halls and the men’s side is blue.”

“And, um, this is…anonymous, right?”

“Yes, we don’t keep any records of who’s here. There’s cameras, but the footage is wiped after 30 days and we only pull it in case an incident occurs.” she replies. She sees Rick’s apprehension. “Which side did you want?” she asks.

“Uh, women,” Rick answers, feeling hot in the face as the pretty receptionist takes his hand and leads him past the desk and to the hallway. She takes him to the left side where the lighting shifts from white to pink.

“The open room is where the voyeurs like to hang out, but for your first time, go in here. It’s private, but connected to this room here. What someone would think a traditional glory hole is.” she explains.

“Wait, how do you keep the sides separate? Like in these private rooms?”

She points to the signs on the doors. Like a bathroom has men and women decals, these rooms have decals that are a little different. The room she has Rick going into has a stick figure man, hands on his hips, erection pointed straight out. The room next to it has a decal of a stick figure with long hair and very prominent breasts on her knees, facing the other door.

“People are good about respecting the rules. We haven’t had any incidents so far, but honestly, the gay side sees a lot more action than you’d think in a town like this.”

“Huh…” Rick looks down the hall toward the men’s side, where there does seem to be a buzz of activity.

“Have fun.” The receptionist walks off. Rick swallows hard and enters the room, locking the door behind him like he was told. The room is small, but large enough to move around comfortably. The room is bathed in pink light and has a bench on one side. Rick notices three different holes, at different heights, on the opposite wall. To his surprise, there’s already a mouth at the hole in the middle. Rick looks around, then decides to just go for it. He walks up and unzips his pants, pulling his cock out. He strokes it a few times, getting it hard, before sliding it through the hole into the waiting mouth of the girl on the other side. He hears a muffled moan, feeling the vibration around his shaft as she takes him all the way into her throat. Rick groans. He’s not sure if she’s good at this or if it’s just been too long. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it’s a stranger’s mouth on his cock. He presses against the wall, loving the feeling of being sucked. He’s pulled out of it when she suddenly grabs his cock, tightly holding it in one hand. Rick is questioning what’s happening as he feels something rolling onto his cock. A condom, he quickly realizes. The girl lets go of his cock to quickly turn around, presenting her pussy to him. She helps guide him in. It’s a little awkward through the wall, but Rick’s length is enough to fill her up. Rick definitely wasn’t expecting this. He was expecting a quick little blow job. Just something to ease his stress. Now he’s fucking a stranger through a wall, listening to her quiet moans as she bounces on his cock.

“Fuck,” Rick groans, instinctively pulling away as he cums suddenly.

The girl whines. Rick pulls the condom off, tossing it into the trash can in the corner of the room. He cleans himself up and wants to get out of there before the full weight of what he’s just done can crush him.

He leaves quickly and quietly, not making eye contact with the receptionist on his way out. That was an expensive way to cum in five minutes, he thinks as he gets into his car. He drives for a little bit before making his way home.

The weirdest part about visiting Love’s Tavern is that Rick knows he should feel guilty about it, but he doesn’t. He should feel guilty for wanting to go back at least, yet he doesn’t. Rick goes back two more times. The first of the two times, he gets sucked by two different girls and fucks one of them, finishing in the other’s mouth. It’d be the perfect story to tell Shane. The second time, he braves going into the free room. He pretends not to notice the other guys as he stands in line to fuck a girl who has her legs chained up. Both times, he was drawn to the men’s side. The receptionist is right. Even at peak times, that side is always busier than the side with women. He hates to admit that he’s curious about it. The next time he goes, he takes a right instead of a left, hoping that the receptionist doesn’t notice. The men’s side is a different vibe. The free room takes a lot of space. There’s a bunch of guys mingling about. Some getting sucked off, others thrusting into holes in the walls. Others stroking themselves while watching the action. Rick looks around the blue lit room, looking for the private rooms like on the other side. He goes down a hallway and finds a bunch of doors. One on the end is open, so he goes in and locks it behind him. To his surprise, there’s a cock through the hole in the wall. It shouldn’t be that shocking given where he is, he muses.

Now what?

He’s never thought about sucking a guy off. Yet he wandered over to this side of the establishment so a guy could suck him off.

“Come on, will you get on your knees already?” the guy on the other side groans. Rick jumps at being called out. He could just leave. Yet he’s strangely aroused by this. Rick finds himself walking up to the hole and kneeling. He tentatively takes the thick cock into his hand, stroking it gently. Then, just as the guy is about to protest again, Rick just goes for it, sliding his mouth around the length. He suddenly understands the hesitation from every girl who’s given him a blow job for the first time. He wonders if he’s doing this correctly as he bobs his head. The guy groans, thrusting forward. Rick nearly gags as the man’s cum shoots into the back of his throat. Surprisingly, he swallows it down. The guy walks away and just as Rick regains his composure, another cock is waiting for him. Pulling his own erection out, he strokes himself as he leans in to take this one into his mouth. It’s shorter, but veiny, Rick determines as he explores it with his tongue. He strokes himself faster, finishing just as he receives a second load of cum in his mouth.

“Hey twink, ever get your ass eaten?” a guy says through the hole.

“Uh, no…” Rick replies, unnerved by the sudden conversation.

“Put it against the hole.” the guy replies.

The request sends a shock through Rick’s spine. He stands up, questioning how he got here as he strips naked, then turns around bending at just the perfect angle to press his cheeks up to the hole. Immediately, a warm tongue slides up his crack, making him jump. He’s never done this, but he doesn’t hate it as the tongue works its way to his hole. Rick gets hard again. He tries to stroke himself while the tongue massages his hole.

Rick starts to feel weird, the reality of what’s happening starting to set in. It’s not until he feels a finger probe his hole that he snaps out of it.

“Whoa, okay,” he stands up. He’s already sucked two dicks and had his ass eaten, that’s enough experimentation for the night. He scrambles to get his clothes together and leaves, heart racing as he comes to terms with what he just did.

Rick gets home at almost midnight to find that his wife is still awake, reading a book. He cringes internally, hoping that she would have already been asleep. She gives him a questioning look when he walks into the room.

“Where’ve you been?” she asks.

“Just hanging out with some of the guys from work.” Rick lies, getting into bed next to her. He had showered away his shame already.

“Hmm, well I was thinking,” Lori puts down the book on the nightstand and turns to him. She brings her right arm to his chin and pulls him into a kiss. Rick holds his wife while she kisses him, but he doesn’t return the kiss fully. He kisses her back, but not with enthusiasm as he recalls where his mouth has been.

“You’re finally going to let me fuck you?” he murmurs pointedly as she strips him of his t-shirt and pajama pants. He pulls up her nightgown and finds himself burying his face between her legs. Her moans are enough to get him hard by the time she cums on his tongue. He sits up, positioning himself closer so he can slide inside her. He thrusts hard, enjoying the noises coming from her. He can’t help but feel like something is…off.

“Would you…” He murmurs the request hotly in her ear. Lori’s eyes widen as she processes his request.

“What!? I don’t want to do that, Rick!”

“Please? It’ll help me cum.”

“I don’t want to put my fingers…there. Ugh, just get off me,” Lori grumbles, pushing Rick away. He lays on his back as she gets up and puts her robe on.

“Would it kill you to have an open mind?” Rick sighs.

“You’ve never wanted me to do that before, why now?”

“Cause I just…I wanted to try it.” Rick shrugs.

“Did one of the guys put you up to this?”

“Wha- No! I’ve just been thinking about it.”

Lori huffs in disgust and leaves the room. Rick decides he’ll go back to Love’s the first chance he gets.

The opportunity doesn’t arrive until the following weekend. It had been a hard week and the only thing Rick could think about was getting fucked. The idea of actually liking men has sent him into a spiral. He’s been on edge all week. Shane asks if he’s okay and Rick gets defensive. It feels like everyone knows what he’s been doing.

He’s thankful that his wife and kid aren’t home when he gets there. He makes himself a sandwich after reading the note on the fridge that they won’t be home until late. He’s grateful for the alone time because he finally has a chance to use something he bought a week ago after the sexual mishap with Lori. Rick had gone out of his way to a small sex shop, nervous and embarrassed. He brought the toy home and hid it in a black bag in his gun safe. Lori knows the code but she never needs it, so he’s not worried about her discovering it.

Rick pulls the bag out, feeling mixed emotions as he dumps the contents onto his bed. He had bought a six inch dildo and some lube. The toy is pretty realistic, he thinks, as he unboxes it. Letting out a breath, he strips himself and climbs onto his bed. His cock is already hard as he decides how he’s going to do this. After taking the safety seal off the lube, he lays on his stomach, reaching behind him to probe at his hole. He spreads a generous amount of lube on his fingers, teasing one of them at his entrance. He groans into the pillow as it easily slips in, guided by the lube. He holds it there for a minute or so, trying to come to terms with how he’s feeling. It feels weird. Not good or bad necessarily. He’s never experienced anything like this. He decides it’s good enough to keep going, so he does, taking it a step further by sliding the finger in and out. He curses, not expecting it to feel so good. Rick tentatively adds another finger, stretching his hole as he works them in. He’s getting impatient, pulling his fingers out. He takes the dildo, which had been sitting next to him, and lubes it up. He brings it around to his hole, pressing the head against it. Taking a deep breath he pushes in slightly. He knows he has to go slow, but it’s torture, feeling the toy slide in inch by inch until his fingers touch his ass. He slides it out halfway then back in again. The sensation is odd. He can feel it in his stomach like he’s nauseated. He doesn’t hate it though, sliding the toy in and out of himself.

Rick uses his free hand to stroke himself. He tries to do it in tandem with the toy, but it’s too hard. He pushes the toy all the way in and focuses on the feeling of it. He cums suddenly, releasing his load onto the purple comforter. He mentally kicks himself as he gets cleaned up. He strips the bed, throwing the comforter into the wash, unsure of how he’s going to explain to Lori why it needed to be washed. He goes to the bathroom to clean his toy and take a shower. Now he’s even more conflicted. He was always pretty sure he was straight, but these past few weeks have opened his eyes. He’s definitely still attracted to his wife and he finds women attractive, but the idea of a man fucking him is exciting. And he doesn’t mind sucking cock, honestly. What does that make him? Not gay, but not fully straight either. He tries not to think about it too hard as he finishes up his shower. He stashes his toy just as the washer dings. He throws the comforter in the dryer. He thinks about whether he finds men attractive. As a human, he can objectively state if a person is good looking, but attraction? He’s never really thought about it. The first person to pop into his head is Shane. His thick dark hair, deep brown eyes, and toned body are all super attractive. He remembers seeing Shane make out with a girl at a bar and thinking, “Of course she went for Shane.” His charisma is the most attractive of all his features.

Rick sits on the couch and watches TV while waiting for the dryer to finish. Once it’s done, he makes up the bed and gets into it, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. One thing’s for sure, he can’t wait to be fucked by a real man.

Rick goes to Love’s the following night. He goes in and immediately heads to the men’s side. He finds an empty booth and locks the door behind him. This time, he’s not timid as he strips and gets on his knees in front of the hole. A cock slides through the hole almost immediately and Rick wraps his mouth around it. The first guy pulls out without finishing and Rick is stroking himself idly, waiting for someone else.

Another one slides through the hole. This one is thick and a decent length. It feels velvety as Rick slides his mouth around it. He hears the guy moan on the other side, encouraging him to continue. Rick reaches for a couple of the packets of lube next to him. While continuing to suck, he rips them open, spreading it on his fingers. He starts to play with his hole, pushing his fingers in. He’s getting increasingly excited at the idea of being fucked, he can’t stand it anymore. The guy pulls away as Rick stops sucking, focusing on prepping himself. Rick grabs one of the condoms and puts it through the hole as an offering. Someone takes it, so Rick stands up and turns around, pressing his ass against the hole.

Rick’s heart is pounding in his ears as he waits anxiously. The guy finally presses the head of his cock into Rick’s hole. This is it, Rick thinks. He slowly slides all the way in, causing Rick to moan. It is awkward with the wall between them. He wishes that he could grab his hips. But he’s doing a decent job, thrusting into Rick slowly until he gets a rhythm. Rick starts to push back against the wall, wanting it harder. The guy gets the hint, knocking loudly into the wall with the force of his thrusts. Rick hears the guy groan, his thrusts slowing as he finishes. He pulls out of Rick slowly and Rick takes that as a sign to finish up. He thinks about how he’d go about getting one on one time with a guy, maybe going to a hotel for privacy where he can be fucked for real. He realizes that he’s swallowed cum and been fucked in the ass, but he’s never kissed a guy. The thought intrigues him, jerking himself faster. He imagines himself in the arms of a man, kissing and touching each other softly. He’s coming up with plans on how to make this a reality when he finally cums.

Rick gets dressed and leaves, knowing that he’s been there long enough. Lori will be wondering where he is. He needs to pace himself and figure out what he actually wants.

Two days later, he’s sitting in his cruiser with Shane on a lunch break. They had been chatting about random things; calls they had taken earlier, how Rick’s family is doing, and weekend plans. Shane finishes talking about cleaning out his garage then falls into silence as he drinks his soda. Meanwhile, Rick has been contemplating if he wants to tell his best friend what he’s been doing. He has no one else to tell. Shane raises an eyebrow, watching Rick’s internal struggle.

“S’going on, man?”

“I actually…I’ve been going to Love’s Tavern,” Rick admits.

“Really? What you been doing there?”

“Um, I got a blow job the first time, and the girl, like, turned around and just stuck it in…” Rick admits quietly. Shane is hanging on his every word.

“Dude, how many times have you been there? Does Lori know?”

“No! No, she doesn’t,” Rick replies, the guilt thick in his tone. “I’ve only been like five times.”

“You fuck each time or just get blown?” Shane asks slyly.

“Uh, well-” Rick is about to admit what he’s really been doing the last two times, but Shane interrupts him.

“Cause I was there the other day. That place is crazy. You notice it’s mostly dudes?”

“Yeah, I-”

“Y’know, I kinda like that it’s separated like that. It does take away the anonymity a little. Like part of the point is getting your dick sucked by someone random and it might be a guy, but if you go to the men’s side, you know it’s gonna be a guy,” Shane rambles on. “Honestly, I don’t mind it.”

“Wait, you were on the men’s side? And thought you had a thing about seeing the person blowing you?” Rick asks, turning to look at his friend. Shane shrugs.

“I thought about it and I actually haven’t even had the experience so I thought I might as well. Anyway, I went to the girl’s side, but there was literally no one. I even waited for like fifteen minutes and got bored, so I decided to wander over to the action.”

Rick stares at Shane, realizing what this means.

“This guy walked away and so I was able to just slide in, y’know, and I mean, I’m not gay but a mouth is a mouth. And then!” Rick jumps from Shane’s exclamation, earning a smack on his chest from his friend. “He stopped sucking, so I pulled away, right, and then a second later he’s offering a condom through the hole. And like of course I’m gonna take it, I look down and his ass is just there…”

Shane stops, seeing Rick’s wide eyed expression. He mistakes it for judgment. “I fucked him…”

“What..what day were you there?” Rick asks, terrified of the answer.

“Saturday night, why?”

“About 9 o’clock?”

“Rick, why?”

“First hole on the left?”

Shane doesn’t answer because Rick already knows the answer. They just stare at each other. Rick begins to explain how he started going to Love’s and how it brought up conflicting feelings. He even forced himself to tell Shane about the guys he blew. He pours his heart out and lets out a shaky breath when he finishes, happy to finally have it off his chest. They sit in silence for what feels like five minutes. Rick is nearly in tears over his confession as Shane just looks at him blankly.

“You suck dick really well,” Is all Shane says. Rick groans and sighs. Of course Shane deflects with humor.

“Shane, I’m…I’m really struggling with this,”

“So, you tellin’ me you’re gay?”

“No! I just mean, I figured out I’m attracted to men too. I still like women.”

“So…you’re bi?”

“What does that even mean?”

“God, you’re stupid. It means you like both.”

“I guess. Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Bi, or whatever you said,”

“Like I said, a mouth’s a mouth. A hole’s a hole.” Shane replies with a grin.

“I’ve been wanting to actually have sex with a guy,” Rick says. Shane snorts.

“I put my dick in your ass, what do you call that?”

Rick rolls his eyes, “I mean, like in a bed. Like kissing and touching and-”

Shane makes a show of checking his watch. “We have thirty minutes.”

“Wait, you wanna…?”

“You’re my friend. I’m gonna help you figure this out,” Shane puts his hand on Rick’s, giving him a meaningful look. “And I’d love to fuck your ass again.”

Rick rolls his eyes again and looks out the window. Shane realizes he went too far.

“I’m sorry, okay? C’mon, baby,” Shane puts his hand on Rick’s neck. Rick turns his head, giving Shane the opportunity to pull him into a kiss. Rick kisses him back immediately, pushing his body into Shane’s space. He’s unsurprised by how good Shane feels. His lips taste sweet from the cola he’d been drinking and he smells good like something woody and manly. He remembers where they are and pulls away.

“We’re at work, we shouldn’t,” Rick states even though there’s plenty of other reasons why they shouldn’t.

“We’re off the clock for the next…27 minutes,” Shane replies. “We can get in the back and make out at least.”

Rick blushes, not making eye contact with Shane. Shane reaches over and cups the other man’s chin.

“Or you can come to my place after work and I’ll touch you there.” Shane’s tone is low and flirtatious.

“Goddammit, Shane,” Rick groans. He’s happy that they parked on a secluded road as he pops open his door and climbs out so he can get in the backseat. “Get back here.”

Shane smiles before joining his friend in the back.

#twd fanfiction #sharick #shane walsh x rick grimes

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sizzlingpatrolfox · 7 months ago

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it's hard to imagine that if they actually dated she would be posting bts content from 2020 to prove it. like she would have to have something she took herself. she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl. i hope the rumor that he moved out before enlisting is true because this is getting old.

"she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl." Exactly, yeah.

There was someone yesterday or the day before who sent an ask arguing in favor of every story she posted the other day and how she couldn't have possibly gotten those from anywhere else when she very much could've. All I'm gonna say is people have literally worn Jimin's fake love outfits because somehow fans got a hold of it, and someone was able to get his mail from BTS own home. Also, when that guy posted the heart jikook photo and some other Jimin photo from Japan in like 2018/2019, everyone immediately and unanimously agreed that he couldn't possibly be their friend anymore because if he was he wouldn't have posted those photos. And I agreed with that because I've also seen how Jimin seems to handle his personal relationships and to keep their exposure to a minimum. We don't even see social media posts with sungwoon or saeon who are also somewhat public figures.

But I really don't care about "debunking" any of it, I think the back and forth between "this is legit proof" and "that isn't legit proof" is stupid and annoying.

I've been told before stuff like why do you get so defensive about it but it's not defensiveness. It's annoyance because I really seriously geniunely don't care if it's real or not, and it's annoying that people want me so bad to care. Like why does it matter??? I don't have that parasocial of a relationship with Jimin, but have those anons stopped to think they might have a parasocial relationship with ME? Because I really can't understand why they want me to care so bad.

Last December, I was on holidays right, and I sleep with my phone next to my bed and the phone vibrated like three or four times in a row and it woke me up (I have really light sleep). I checked it and it was just before 7am and the phone had been vibrating because of tumblr notifications. I opened them and it was I SWEAR like 3 or 4 messages recounting every single instagram story the actress had ever posted or some shit. I blocked that anon immediately. Nothing had even happened!!!! That person just felt like obsessing over this woman's instagram and that was it. So they had to come and give me all their "proof" and accusing me for not believing in it.

I've also realized how much ammo she gets by doing these slight, sneaky """reveals""" because it's actually what gets people talking more than they would if she just posted a photo of Jimin sitting on the toilet. People post her stories, then go check them, then check her comments, a couple of hours later they check to see if she's deleted them, etc etc. All while others on twitter were sharing the stories left and right and comparing it with the bangtan bomb and trying to decipher if it was really Jimin behind that flower emoji.

So, yeah that's really it. Also not directed to you, but to some other people. Don't ask me or expect me to care... I might've cared years ago when I still believed Jimin and Jungkook were a thing but I've been saying more like two years already that they're not fucking each other, so there's literally no reason at all for Jimin dating to ever affect me. And even when I did believe they were fooling around, I never ever said "they're totally in a committed exclusive real relationship and have been married since 2015" because I've never believed that.

I've been a fan of Harry Styles since I was 15 years old and it has never bothered me to see him making out in public with the whole lineup of Victoria Secret's models because I've just never been that person. So even if it wasn't the reaction people expected me to have, you're just gonna have to believe me when I say Jimin dating rumours do not bother me.

Lastly and I really doubt I'll be addressing this topic again unless something really significant happens, there really isn't necessary "proof" for me to take this seriously. I just don't have enough information to believe in this rumour and that's just it. I'm not going to be thinking harder and trying to connect barely-there dots for someone else. If there is something there, or there was at some point in the past, I'm gonna need taennie level of proof.

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dnangelic · 25 days ago

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Get to know the mun ! repost, don’t reblog .

——— BASICS.

[ NAME ] : tsun (short for tsundere)

PRONOUNS : he / him

ZODIAC SIGN : pisces-aries

TAKEN OR SINGLE : single

ANYTHING ELSE ? : my dog is way cuter and more interesting than me

——— THREE SERIOUS FACTS.

you don't have to soften up your muse with me. really. i've written mainly antagonistic/villainous/horror-centric muses in the past so i'd like to at the very last believe i understand at least some of the struggle when it comes to having a muse like that. which isn't to say that daisuke won't still try to appeal to some form of compassion for even the most reprehensible muses because that's just the way that he's built, but nobody has to apologize and worry about hurting me, the mun's feelings for being mean to daisuke. if he wasn't built for helping then he was built for a lil bullying. it's okay. i love to see it <- mean older bro/failboy aficionado syndrome

i don't really do starter calls or memes anymore. the best way to start something with me is to either get at me directly for a thread/plot discussion or if that's too scary just make an ic remark on any random ass post and i'll probably make a new ic post for it. or send me an ask and we can go from there since my askbox is always open. i try to do the occasional inbox call but since i don't like my asks to be overly bland and it takes a whole lotta creativity, i don't do those super often either.

if you don't know something about my muse it's best if you ask. really. seriously. DN 'canon' is scattered in multiple directions and multiple pieces across multiple formats, and most eng speakers have only seen the anime or read the manga, which imo are the two bottom-most "best" formats for grasping what the hell is even going on overall in the series. atp pointing people to either my public vs private knowledge post or my canon divergence post is probably the best i can do to provide a comprehensive list of different 'facts' about how i work my characterization.

——— THREE RANDOM FACTS.

i have in fact been with DN since the early 2000/2010s-ish, around middleschool. i wasn't there when its re-serialization was announced in 2020 or so but the first and second volumes will always be a formative memory for me, and the tokyopop ENG translation set i have (up to book 12) has somehow survived over the course of like at least five different moves. this is also probably why i find sugisaki's original, absolute oldest style the most nostalgic/'best' in a way, if only to me. i've also been a vkei fan since vanan'ice started releasing music, immoral memory lost memory has and always will be my #1 comfort song. no wonder i ended up writing dn charas

i like to cook and bake. baking more than cooking, which is sometimes a problem since i can end up baking more than my family ever eats. i'd love to make DN style parfaits/cake cups sometime, i just don't know who's going to be able to eat all of it laksdjlakgjl. but anything to see icing wiz in a cup for realsies!

my life has been dominated by roguelike/dungeon crawler looter type video games. i've probably got literally like ten billion hours on mabinogi since that was my social system in 2000-2010 range (look i know but it was hot stuff back then ok) and now that elin's been released i've jumped from messing around in elona to there, but put me in front of something in the vein of the whole fate/torchlight series etc and i'm probably clocked out forever

——— EXPERIENCE.

i started a tumblr rp blog as a joke for a friend (now no longer my friend) i'd chat with during ~2015 give or take a year. i didn't even care about the chara at first but i've always loved writing, and i ended up actually getting into said chara and the series they were from to write some more/beyond just sheer crack for my friend. i've never written fic for the same reason that i've never written anything standalone tho, that being i completely lose confidence all the way down to the last drop in my bones

i like deep and firm muse connections. this doesn't necessarily even mean positive ic ones, but i like it best when muses absolutely have something. it doesn't even have to be definite either, like the way satoshi and daisuke's relationship within canon is somehow balancing both a killer rivalry and deep caring friendship and just about everything else they always got goin on in between. it's usually after any sort of dynamic is established that i feel much more comfortable sending unprompted asks too.

i have like 50 tabs open at all times and 600 things in my drafts. i did this to myself. but if i never catch DMs on tumblr it's probably because i never got a notif thanks to the 50 tabs, and if i never catch DMs on discord it's probably because i saw it, got busy, then forgot about it til i checked again and bam it's been like a month and now responding feels too awkward. i'm so bad at personal communication i'm so sorry. use my askbox if it's urgent i swear i've never failed to respond to any of those asap. losing drafts is thanks to the 600 things, but if you want me to dig up something because you miss it and so i can respond to it asap i can always do that too. im literally just too tired to scroll to find shit that isn't my most recent sometimes iawjewahjaiijkrf it's a bad hobby habit i knooooow

——— MUSE PREFERENCE.

i've tried to find the common denominator between all of my muses in the past multiple times and i've never been able to find it. i've written anything and everyone from, like, folklore ocs to meta knight from kirby. in general i like to have a muse that i don't always have to take too seriously though. or that comes off as comedic on the surface but i can still handle in a serious and legitimate/realistic way, ie just like dark and daisuke being clowns and a singular failboy but still just. kids, teenagers grappling with very real uncertainty about themselves and their futures and identities. muses have to have a voice, and i'm very particular about being able to clearly hear my muses in my head and my writing, so if anything that's probably my largest deciding factor.

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT.

FLUFF : yep

ANGST : yep

SMUT : hell no. idk how many times i have to tell people i don't give a shit how hot you think dark is, he's physically 16-17 and is directly linked to daisuke, who's 14-15. these are minors. there's 2892859864 anime charas who are of age for you to smut with, get away from the middleschoolers!!!

——— PLOT / MEMES : see all the way above. i basically live in my activity notes so it's better to grab my attention somehow through that. i get shy about sending memes and also am just..... not around constantly so checking dash can be annoying. if there's a meme you have a really good idea for and you want me to send it specifically i've got no problem doing that though. love u guys

TAGGED BY : @cherriedrage thanks zaggy!!

#TAGMEME.#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#not tagging steal if u want

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magnetarmadda · 1 year ago

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A day late, here's my ficlet for @tmaappreciationweek Day 3: Alternate Universe. It's inspired by this tumblr post

Jon's had several centuries now to come to terms with both his immortality and his all-encompassing but unrequited infatuation with one Martin Blackwood. The immortality, you can imagine, was much easier to grasp. When he was a boy, his grandmother had told him tales of the bloodsucking monsters in the hills, and Jon had the misfortune to not properly believe her and be full of unquenchable curiosity. He'd mostly abided by her rules as a child, having had one close call that instead claimed a neighbor, but in adulthood, he had found an excuse to travel into the hills in search of something or other for his village—he can't even remember properly anymore. Going on a thousand years later, he's still paying for it. He supposes that's why he's madly in love with Martin, a kind of exquisite cosmic torture for his sins. He'll love this man until the end of time and crave a kind of intimacy he cannot have that surpasses the cravings for blood. Chalking most of the negative things in his very long life up to paying for his sins has become so standard that, the moment he recognizes his handwriting in a display case, he immediately wonders if this will finally be the moment he's earned forgiveness for his foolishness as a young man. Jon and Martin had met up for their usual Saturday afternoon excursion, this time revisiting a museum to see a new exhibit on Victorian era letters and documents. Martin had joked as they walked in that he hoped he'd see one of his early poems here, since he'd lost a whole wooden box of them during a move a hundred years ago. They've been wandering slowly through the exhibit, Martin's arm looped through Jon's in the casual way they've developed, and have recognized the handwriting of a few other vampires they've come to know, but so far, none of Martin's poems. Until they come across Jon's handwriting instead. "Jon?" Martin asks, using his free hand to point to it. "That's…that's your—" He trails off, eyes glued to the words on the aged page. It's a letter Jon thought he'd burned over 150 years ago, and what little color his skin carries now is flushed away as he remembers the agony under which he'd penned it. He and Martin had spent the day at the World's Fair, much like this day at the museum, and there had been a moment when one of Jon's remarks had been returned by Martin with such affection that Jon had dared to hope. He wrote all of his burning feelings out on the page and determined to give it to Martin on their next meeting. The exact words Martin had said that made Jon hold back the letter have been forgotten now, but Jon remembers the coldness that spread through his limbs as Martin made a remark about the solidity and dependability of their friendship. Jon had never given the letter over. And now, it's here, his own handwriting laying him bare in this very public space. "That's—that's me," Martin is whispering now, getting closer to the display to read the words again, his expression hungry. Then he turns to Jon, eyes wide. "Jon, what…?" Jon takes a deep breath, even as meaningless as oxygen is for his system now, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He tries a few times, opening and closing it, and he scrutinizes Martin's expression as he does so. He has absolutely no idea what's going on in his friend's mind, and terror takes root in his soul. Is he about to lose his best friend? "All this time, and you've never told me?" Martin finally breaks the silence, stepping close to Jon. "You really felt that way?" Jon nods, a lump in his throat now. "D-do you…" At least seeing an opening, Jon dives into it headfirst. "I have loved you for hundreds of years," he says softly, taking a step to fill the decreasing gap between them. "How could I not, Martin?" Martin, eyes wide and flashing, smiles brightly back. "You idiot," he says, and then leans down to kiss Jon.

#the magnus archives #jonmartin #tmaappreciationweek #my writing #my fic #vampire!jon #vampire!martin #pining jmart

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sajdd · 4 months ago

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Ok normally I would just block without saying anything but I thought maybe if I explained why you could actually learn or something so

Tommy has reiterated over and over again that he hates being treated like a child, that he's an adult now. Has done publicity stunts about it, has completely changed the way he dresses, has snapped at people in chat and said he wishes his fanbase were older.

It's MEAN to call him a child anyway. It's mean to say that being excitable, or liking colors and Minecraft, and being silly, isn't something you can do as an adult.

Tommy is having a public mental health breakdown because of being a child star and is open about this, and has even complained about other adults not treating him the same or noticing people don't hit on him because he's "the child" and it fucks him up. Doubling down and calling him a child makes things worse.

He shouldn't have to strip himself off 99% of his personality and likes and interests so people can call him an adult.

And as an adult myself, I can tell you being called or treated like a child? Is hurtful. Being infantilized is an awful feeling. Children don't have the same self-actualization, the same control, the same rights as adults. People make decisions FOR them, like where to go to school, what groceries to buy, what's "allowed". Being a child forever is fucking terrifying. Being treated like you don't know better and can't make decisions on our own is terrifying..being belittled and told your other adult friends are like your parents is terrifying. It's not fun.

Please don't do that anymore. He's excited about his skyblock ranking but what makes him an adult is his age. And he is an adult. An excited adult, a loud and funny and boisterous adult, but an adult. And this fandom practice of calling him a child over and over again is abusive and hurtful, and he has visibly been cracking under it and outright called it out. Please please please, regardless of intention, Don't call him a child again.

dont worry. popular streamer up-and-coming-comedian tommy-simons-innit wont die because of a tumblr post i made. he'll be fine. he'll recover.

also hey did you know that i am an adult autistic and the first sentence of this message is actually very demeaning and infantilising xxx

im going to go have a public breakdown because of you now. hope youre happy

#this is especially crazy because the last few days ive been talking to friends and making posts abt how i see how much hes matured and stuff #also i was quite lterally quoting HIS OWN WORDS FROM THIS STREAM #ive been back for TWO DAYS. TWO DAYS AND WE'RE ALREADY DISCOURSING #discourse #ive been outside for too long. ive touched too much grass and im not prepared for this level of madness #like am i crazy or what is happening here #anyway! goodnight for real this time lmaooo #i was cooking in the shower and had to come back for this #tbh i missed this crazy stuff. this is cracking me up man

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braceletofteeth · 6 months ago

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15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by @scarefox ❤

1) Are you named after anyone?

They just thought the name was pretty, I think.

2) When was the last time you cried?

Today :) I've been doing it a lot lately, but only a little at a time. Probably just need some rest.

3) Do you have kids?

For many years, I've been helping my grandmother raise my younger brother. I'm the one people call when there's an emergency, I'm the one who takes him to the doctor and tend to him when he's sick, I'm the one who notices when he needs something new, I'm the one who takes him shopping, I'm the one who attends school meetings, I'm the one who guides him through the government's bureaucracy, and I'm the one he talks to about his problems, as well as his prospects for the future. Sometimes, when grandma allows me in her kitchen or is unavailable, I'm even the one who feeds him.

So, by all means, yes, I do have a kid. And soon from now he won't be a kid anymore, but I know I'll always consider him my utmost responsibility in this world.

That's one of the reasons I don't want any more kids than I already have. Looking after the lives of two people (mine and his) is enough.

4) What sports do you play/have you played?

I was never a sportive person tbh.

5) Do you use sarcasm?

Yes (usually for a humorous effect).

6) What's the first thing you notice about people?

Their... apparent age? “That's a teenager.” “That's an elder.” It's one of the factors that help me predict/understand others' behaviors/expectations.

7) What's your eye color?

Dark brown.

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

That might come as a surprise, but I've never been much fond of scary movies 😅 Unless they are something like psychological horror, it's rare for me to actually get invested in them.

I like happy endings, but I'm ok with sad endings too. I just feel averse to open endings—especially when the story feels incomplete because of it.

9) Any talents?

Very good at elaborating questions that will lead people to talk more than me during a conversation (in a way that is enjoyable for them, of course!)

10) Where were you born?

North of Brazil. I lived in other places, but I'm back in my hometown now.

11) What are your hobbies?

Learning other languages

Baking cakes

Watching asian dramas and talking about it on tumblr dot com

Reading books and fanfics

Finding places where listening to music feels more intense than usual

Lazy walks along the river

12) Do you have any pets?

It's technically my cousin's, but we do have a pet in the house. It's a cat we call Relâmpago (it means Lightning). It sleeps at my doorstep during the day and we frequently eat together.

13) How tall are you?

168cm. Most women are shorter than me, but I still wish I was just a tiny bit taller 🤏

14) What was your favorite subject in school?

Story Time with real events (a.k.a History).

History teachers from public schools are very passionate about their field of study! They know exactly why we're forced to live on hard mode and go through so many injustices today. If they could, they would tell everyone about it, so we'd argue more, question more, and bend history in our favor for once. I loved my History teachers, loved learning about the people that came before us, and especially about how changeable everything is.

15) What is your dream job?

The idea of doing anything, and I mean anything, repetitively, for decades, non-stop, takes off the spark of any career path I have found compelling in the past. I don't want to do something I love in exchange for profit/out of obligation, because I know this won't work for me. I tried it before, and all it did was make me resent my hobby. So I don't mix the two concepts anymore. I literally do not dream of labor.

But I still need labor—at the very least, not to starve to death. So what I dream about, now, is a job that doesn't take too much of my time and energy, so I can dedicate them to enjoyable activities and to the people I love; so I can live a life that is not determined or owned by my job.

—

tagging: @softneomiro @somebodycallixii @srabaskerville @kdreader02

As usual, only if you'd like to 😊

#tag game #I was just being honest but it feels weird because I'm usually not this serious 🥴

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kanguin · 2 months ago

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That poem hit me hard wow. Idk why I want to open up on Tumblr of all places but idk. I never share personal stuff in posts. Just oversharing in tags.

So yeah. I'm depressed. Depressed as shit. I quit my job recently because the commute, the low pay, and the high social energy cost of making 100+ phone calls a day just. Sucked the life out of me. Even my mother and fiance could see it. But this just marks burnout number... 4? I believe. I've experienced burnout and mental collapse 4 times now in the past decade. 4 years between the first two, 5 between the next two, and now just 1 year between this one and the last. And now I'm supposed to look for a job I like again, but... I don't know what I'd like. I'm not exactly enjoying life right now. And the thought of selling more of my life for money is not putting me in a good mental spot.

I don't play video games anymore. I haven't been able to do so for more than a couple weeks a year in ages. I never talk to my friends one on one anymore. I have no hobbies to speak of, really, aside from messing around on my computer, but it's not like I have the space to engage in any hobbies anyway since my broke ass still lives with my mom. I have my fiance living with me now, but while they're an emotional anchor, we have no space to our own besides the bedroom and a bonus room, but the latter is still technically a public space we can't decorate ourselves or use for painting or hobbies.

I feel stuck and miserable. I want to move out, I want my own home and space to be unbothered in, I want my own fridge and pantry with my own food, and to be able to be out of my bedroom without being on call for sudden required tasks or unwelcome socialization. I want a space to engage in hobbies; sculpting, painting, building, working with my hands. I want to be able to operate on my own schedule and not have to compromise on when is too late to start a task or eat a meal. I want to be able to start HRT in the privacy of my own home, so that I don't have to disclose my transition until I'm ready. I want... Freedom. I want to be able to live a life that feels mine, and not like I'm living in borrowed space and time.

But all of that requires money, and that just leads to a catch 22. I need money to achieve my desires, but need a job to get money. But I need a job I am happy doing so as not to burnout a 5th time, but I need to be able to enjoy life and work in the first place for that. And if I already enjoyed my life I wouldn't be in such a bad spot mentally.

I used to be so hopeful and determined for my future, but it's been 6-7 years since I graduated college with my bachelor's, and by now I've all but lost hope things will ever change. This genuinely feels like this is it, I'll be stuck here in this house until my mother dies, I get kicked out, or my heart takes me to an early grave like my father.

My next therapy appointment isn't for two weeks. I sure hope I stay on topic next time, because I only ever realized all the things I forgot to cover after the appointment. Even though I had my issues well memorized and written down.

...

If anyone actually reads this long ass ramble, I'm sorry. It's nearly 5am for me writing this.

To be honest, one of the aspects of my personality I miss the most is my love of making and keeping friends. Not that I was ever good at it, but I always enjoyed getting to know someone knew, and of course I loved learning more about my existing friends, too. There are so many people I can think of where I go "wow, I wish I had the energy to get to know them", but I can't really do that anymore in good conscience. Anyone I try and befriend nowadays is just going to get abandoned in a month or two when my overwhelming shame drive me to ghosting them.

#kanguin original #cw depression #i guess

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throamguide · 6 months ago

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hi!! do u know why anna decided not to rewrite and publish throam as an original work?

Hi! First off, some background: even in 2017-2018, when Anna was posting about the rewrite and talking about publishing it, she was open about the fact that it might never happen: "A rewritten version might never get published, anyway, so don't freak out." (X)

It also wouldn't be easy to rid it of its fanfiction past, as with something like 50 Shades of Gray (Twilight AU fic) because of THROAM's relative internet fame.

Anna also disliked when bandom people IRL (people she wrote about) would find out about THROAM because of fans bringing it up to them. Which is completely understandable. Because it happened quite a bit. She sums it up well in a heated post from 2019: Choice. And it had to be said because a lot of people ended up referencing, asking about, or even reading THROAM, presumably because of fans: Dallon, Jon, Vicky, Keltie, Z Berg...

Anna also moved away from bandom in general and started writing about K-pop groups (she's still at it!) and hinted at some original fiction. Finleighsaid, her URL towards the end of her Tumblr days, was some sort of reference to an original character of her's (I think?).

While writing this I had a look at the THROAM Fanlore page (which I helped write because my teenage self had no life) and found Anna's explanation as to why she stopped rewriting it:

March 25, 2019

Monday confessionals - I haven’t even had wine or anything. Some juice, though. Is sugar a drug?

Anyway, it is yet again that I have not posted anything here for a good while, and in the interest of Managing Expectations (whose? idk) I thought I’d give an update. Or, nay, a nopedate. (I’m sorry, I’m trying.) When last summer I decided that perhaps I ought to work the trilogy towards publication, I was working part-time and was kind of weighing my options as to what to do in life. (I still am. Is anyone out there a career counsellor? Please send me some help, thanks.) Anyway, I had time to work on the rewrite in cafés after or before work, and I was quite into it! Then I swapped for a full-time job and all of my rewrite efforts, essentially, ceased. I realise now why I wrote the story when I was a student: I had sooooo much time. From 2009 to 2019, I suddenly don’t have that luxury anymore.

So what I am saying is that, from my end, and for now, the project is definitely on hiatus. You know, like one of your favourite emo bands. I don’t want to mislead people into thinking I am actively working on the project when I haven’t touched it in weeks or even months. I don’t know if my situation will change in the future, or if this is the universe telling me to let it go. I know some people definitely want me to just let the story be! And I know some really want to see it published, too. And you know what, if I ever did publish it, people would always just shrug it off as bandom fic, and it’s hard for me to deal with the reality of people constantly looking down at something I love very dearly. So I have my hesitations and reservations, and I have Dean stood at Venice Beach in 1969, staring at the waves and a decade of stardom.

I have always been my most successful in producing and finishing stories when I have selfishly written whatever makes me happy. I suppose the rewrite is not that for me right now.

Thank you for your patience. Soul searching is hard. xx

#but yeah it would have been cool to see what would have happened with a throam rewrite in another universe #throam #the heart rate of a mouse #ask #TG

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dykeishheart · 8 months ago

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Every so often you see a ridiculous post, usually something with sexual content presented humorously, and a reblog comment will say something to the effect of "this is why this website is unprofitable"

And while those are funny, it's just patently untrue.

Firstly, it behooves us to establish a baseline of terminology, because in current discourse there's a major disconnect between what 'unprofitable' means when used by tumblr users and when used by tumblr executives.

Unprofitable in lay use typically means 'there is a net negative cash flow for this company' while in executive terms it means something more like 'the revenue generated here is unfit for long term growth'. The key distinction is that root word profit; In reality Tumblr is profitable by the first definition but unprofitable by the second. If tumblr wasn't bringing in enough money to at least balance out operating costs it would have been gone long ago. MySpace still exists, Tumblr will likely occupy that same space until it literally can't afford to anymore. The real issue is that tumblr's business model doesn't generate its own growth, and therefore doesn't continually expand its proft above operation like every corporation expects to.

Basically when users on here talk about profits they're measuring velocity, while executives are measuring acceleration. How much will the money increase its own collection, how can we make that happen faster, and how can we maintain that acceleration curve?

Now that that's out of the way, let's look at Tumblr's actual business model. Compared to Twitter and Facebook, tumblr lacks two key things: Public acclaim, and user incentives for engagement loops.

The first part is easy. Tumblr isn't a famous platform like Facebook is or like Twitter is. Outside of Tumblr, nobody talks about Tumblr. This means it's not viewed as a strong market for advertisers, it's not generating waves of new users, and it's not gonna get attention for doing critical maintenance or breakthrough innovation because the crowds simply aren't here. There are millions of Tumblr users, but it really doesn't mean the same thing as the collective hundreds of millions of users across Facebook and Instragram that all generate tons of ad and data revenue for one corporation.

The second part is more complicated because it gets into the psychology of social media engagement, and I'm not gonna pretend to be an expert on how that works. But the crux of it is that the mechanics of engagement with Tumblr are just different from that of Twitter in a few basic ways that mean huge differences in how the space is utilized.

Firstly, Tumblr is fairly obtuse about post longevity; the halflife of a tumblr post is effectively eternal because posts from the first year the website was open for public use still circulate. Posts didn't even have dates put onto them for users to see until like two years ago, unless you modded your website layout with third party tools like Xkit. This is great if you want a website where your art can last forever, but terrible for creating large surges of engagement super quickly on hot button topics and posts. This latter model is how basically all social media operates nowadays, with posts basically dying after 48 hours. There's always a frenzy on every meme, headline, picture, thinkpiece, and political fuckup that inevitably creates micro-surges of engagement for whoever saw it. This creates vicious cycles of attention seeking in just about everyone involved, but it just doesn't work that way here. I get periodic validation from writing I've posted years ago and that gives me the feedback I'd normally have to post hourly to attain on twitter, so there's really no drive for me to constantly be posting. This lack of need to constantly generate content feeds into the first issue of public acclaim; if everyone isn't constantly posting then the content which does leak out from here isn't enough to cross most of the thresholds to motivate people to migrate to the platform and give it public acclaim.

Secondly, the people who *do* post constantly aren't rewarded for doing so in any meaningful way. People who generate tons of content for YouTube and Instagram and TikTok make actual literal money from doing so. People can use Twitter and Facebook to advertise themselves, their products, their podcasts, their personal websites, whatever. With enough of a presence on most social media, there's monetary drives involved. And this motivates some unsuccessful users to keep trying to gain personal acclaim because it's no longer a social media platform, it's a shovel salesman in a gold rush. Tumblr does not have this. Tipping was added a while back but from what I can tell it's not widely used, and even if it was that's still money coming from other users and not the platform itself. Nobody is posting on tumblr to try and make it big and get real money doing so. The people posting a lot on tumblr are people like writers posting updates for their fics, artists posting their art, sex workers promoting their OnlyFans, porn blogs, stolen meme accounts, and the odd wizard here and there. Most people here are engaging for social fulfillment, which is ironically the least profitable motive a social media platform can offer its userbase.

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logo-comics · 1 year ago

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Fortune Lover Pirates Meta

Due to certain bots that the staff do nothing about infecting my post with likes in order to try to infect the site further, I decided to delete the original post and make this one as a replacement. I failed to save the question before deleting by mistake, so please accept the meta-styled opening presented below.

Fortune Lover, the most popular game from Ai Fortuna Software, has gained a bit of infamy among new fans as The Pirate Game With No Pirates. Indeed, a common question on the forums and various social media sits is "Why is there so much pirate content for Fortune Lover if its set in a magic school?"

We here at LOGO Media Publication have thus decided to do a little digging on the internet and have come back with all the fun data you need to get a better understanding of why it is that a pirate's life is often seen as Maria's lot!

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queenmaryhunt I've finally figured it out! Maria is Martin Campbell's daughter! It all makes sense! Her father disappeared when she was little, so she doesn't know he's technically the Pirate King, let alone any pirate at all! The timeline even matches up! captainnatalia I know you didn't insult the Gentleman Pirate by comparing him to that lowlife that abandoned Maria and her mom because of rumors! Martin Campbell would never be like that! bluejetpack yeah! martin was abandoned and alone until captain natalia took him in! he'd never do that to his own wife and daughter! queenmaryhunt No! Listen! In Martin Campbell: Pirate King's secret ending, he told Captain Natalia's grave that he was going to sail out for the last time so he could pull enough money together to get his unnamed wife and daughter a house in the capital so they wouldn't "be bothered by close-minded villagers anymore.' And what did Maria's voice actor say in her interview when asked about if Maria had any friends in her village? "Maria never really fit in with the villagers after her magic came in at the age of five and the people assumed she was the result of her mother having an affair with a noble. Her dad even disappeared a year later." geomaria-stan1123 That's her opinion, not official lore! The DLC they're going to release is on Golden Sands. In the first game, Old Baron Terni owns that land, and he let the Fortuna Amata make berth there as part of an unofficial agreement. You'll see when the DLC comes out that he's probably going to cameo as part of an old painting or something. Maria being Martin Campbell's daughter is as likely as them adding in a Katarina Route to a DLC!

queenmaryhunt You all owe me an apology! "The Gentleman Pirate disappeared nine years ago, which is why we took up his contract with the new Baron." That's what Marie said! Nine years! Back when Maria would've been 6, you know, when Maria's father suddenly disappeared! marikata9430 I'll take posts that keep getting funnier with each DLC for 500. fortune-lover-heritage-posts Fortune Lover Heritage Post (August 28, 2017).

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sophiasemeraldprincess So, I'm probably giving myself away as a newbie to the fandom, but what's the deal with the pirates in this fandom? Everywhere I look, there are pirate OCs, Pirate Captain Katarina, Pirate Maria, Maria on a pirate ship... I thought, from all of this, that Fortune Lover had pirates all over the place mc-gentlemanpirate As a lifelong fan of the Ai Fortuna Software Multiverse, I can answer this one, but it's a bit of a long story. See, back at the start, Ai Fortuna was a small company that released their first game, Martin Campbell: Gentleman Pirate. The game was very popular in its time, detailing the adventures of a young beggar child named Martin, who stowed away on a ship to get away from it all, only to be discovered and mentored by Captain Natalia Petra Campbell, sworn enemy of the undead Pirate King Black Boris Edmund Guy, who dies at his hand by the end of the tutorial. From there, it's Martin's revenge quest centered around him figuring out his place in the world of piracy, whether or not he'll be a gentleman of fortune or a cutthroat mercenary. The good end, which is the canon one, has him kill Black Boris and being proclaimed the Pirate King. Since Martin and Maria share initials, as well as having identically fluffy blond hair, a lot of fans gravitated towards the idea that Maria was his daughter with his wife, who were both mentioned in the sequel, Martin Campbell: Pirate King. (Fun fact: When Fortune Lover's first trailer came out in 2014, a lot of people even thought that Maria was Martin in disguise in a midquel game.) Eventually, when the DLC started rolling out, the first was Golden Sands, set in his usual place of berth, the eponymous island, and it was revealed he had only disappeared nine years prior, which was when Maria's father had left. This was all speculation for the longest time, until the databook revealed this was always the lead writer's plan, with the Pirate's Promise DLC having been planned to be the sequel until the studio came in and ordered Mysteries in the Magical Ministry, which did... Alright, but was not as well received as Pirate's Promise, which is currently being made into its own spinoff series. TL;DR - Ai Fortuna Software was originally a pirate game company and Fortune Lover was written by a pirate series writer, so the fans immediately latched onto the pirate game parts because of the fact that it was a loving continuation of a beloved series. marikata9430 Also because Romanceable Pirate Captain Katarina. marisofilove2020 Definitely because Pirate Captain Katarina. marydeservesbetter Lots of people thirsting for Katarina even in an old uniform and bandages and a legitimate development history lesson for the series. Fortune Lover fandom, never change.

Fortune Lover Databook

From Left to Right: Sophia Ascart, Katarina Claes, and Mary Hunt as they appeared in the first poster for Fortune Lover that portrayed the rivals.

Fortune Fact: While Sophia Ascart and Mary Hunt were officially named at the time of the first poster of the rivals being released, they and Katarina Claes, at the time named Tatiana Terni, did not, at the time, have any set personalities, leading to a lot of fans to start to speculate. Many had naturally guessed that Tatiana would be the primary antagonist, and there had actually been some suspicion that Sophia was actually a ghost, and that Mary was secretly in love with Maria and would be a capture target. There was also a lot of speculation that Tatiana would be revealed to be a pirate or at least affiliated with them due to her being a Terni.

Bonus Fortune Fact: Fans of the Martin Campbell series had quickly taken notice of Tatiana's surname, as well as Maria's own, which is believed to be the reason why studio heads told the creator to rename Tatiana, to avoid any further incorrect announcements on fansites that this was a Martin Campbell game.

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Pictured: Maria Campbell's main character reference for sprites.

Fortune Fact: Maria Campbell's signature attire was the result of a massive server crash at Ai Fortuna Software's main office, which included Keith's original design from when he was Noelia Flores's twin, grey-haired Geordo, and Sophia With Glasses. Initially, Maria's hair had sea shells, in place of flowers, and her dress was originally navy blue, with black boots with brass buckles, and a similarly colored belt and the bow around her neck was originally a black neckerchief, all of which were meant to call to mind Captain Natalia, who wore green and had an unbuttoned greatcoat, but otherwise wore similar attire. This was likely what contributed to the fan believe that she was secretly Martin.

Interviews

Excerpt from an interview with Maria Campbell's voice actress:

Interviewer: So, you said that you once met the English voice actress for Maria at a convention, and that the two of you are friends. Have the two of you ever noticed any similar issues that you have to deal with when playing Maria? Since the DLCs tend to get delayed elsewhere, I presume that she doesn't have to clear her schedule as often as you do for them...

MVA: *chuckles* No, she doesn't have to deal with that, but one thing we both learned is that we're both big fans of the first Martin Campbell game.

Interviewer: Really?

MVA: Yeah, so we both had the same issue, which was that this is an Ai Fortuna game, and the main character's last name is Campbell, so of course we both did the read with Maria using what the Director to this day calls "Martin Voices" whenever I do it.

Interviewer: Martin Voices?

MVA: Martin speaks differently to different people in the game, using Yamanote most of the time because that's what Natalia taught him. When he's really angry, though, he slips into his native Kyushu. In America, he usually uses RP British, but slips into some other British accent that I honestly don't remember the name of at the moment for the life of me. Martin voices are us copying that, even though Maria is supposed to talk more in a Shitamachi dialect in Japanese and a more "standardized" American accent that I also can't recall the entire time.

Interviewer: How did that work out?

MVA: If you go online and look up "Martin's Daughter Scary Flirts" or "British Maria Flirts With Katarina" online, you can see how the fans reacted to the released recordings of either of our slip-ups... I think someone actually animated the English one to include a kiss. But yeah, we both went in under the understanding that her missing dad was actually Martin, and now with all the DLCs out, we know we're right.

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Excerpt from an Interview with Katarina's Voice Actress:

Interviewer: What are your thoughts on all those pirate DLC sets?

KVA: I love them! Katarina is romanceable in all of them, I get to have her treat people in ways never seen before, and I get to play my favorite type of character: A pirate. She's good at it, too.

Interviewer: Any favorite additions to the cast?

KVA: Pretty much all of them to be honest.

Interviewr: All of them?

KVA: Yep, every foreign exchange student, every citizen, and especially every member of the crew.

Interviewer: If you had to choose, though?'

KVA: That's a tough one. *pauses in thought* I guess Anne takes the lead, with Martin Campbell, Maria's dad, taking a reasonably solid second place for nostalgia’s sake. Anne gives Katarina someone to bounce off when she's not talking to Maria. But yeah. Pirate Katarina remains my favorite setting, so I might be biased...

Memes

#hamefura #bakarina #my next life as a villainess #fortune lover dlc #fortune lover meta post

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