#why do cishet men ruin everything

[jackaxed]

So this is actually a really great video to watch about this subject, and I recommend it to everyone!

But the summation of F.D.'s theory is this: cishet men, especially white men, are told from birth that they are entitled to a certain lifestyle because they are straight and cisgender. Society raises them to believe that they are entitled to economic and social success, i.e. a good job, a good relationship/family, a good (maybe even powerful) reputation, and an overall good quality of life. When these men don't get to have this perfect life that they've been told their entire life that they are entitled to by virtue of being a law-abiding straight man (often because there are still economic or social barriers which affect them), they feel utterly betrayed by the system, which is what makes the violence and cynicism of the edgelord movie genre so alluring.

They discover a non-intersectional radicalism which makes them angry at the injustice of the system, but only for their own sakes. So they get into this messaging of "rebelling" and "tearing the system down" with the goal that they will replace the existing system with one which ACTUALLY makes good on its promises of cishet male entitlement, which is not actually meaningfully revolutionary or progressive-- it's just an expression of dissatisfaction with the fact that they aren't the primary (or topmost) beneficiaries of modern conservatism (often because they still struggle under capitalism regardless of their whiteness or maleness).

Anyway, the way that this is related is that one big factor of potential radicalization IS divorce, because these men see divorce as one of the ultimate betrayals of this dream. The fact that they actually need to put in work to maintain their status as a husband or father, and that a woman can just leave them (and probably take the kids) if they fail to do that work runs directly counter to the lifelong assurances that they are fundamentally entitled to that lifestyle (and those markers of success).

So while there may be real hurt behind losing his kids or his wife (regardless of how good he actually was to them), the divorced man's real sore spot is that he has lost the lifestyle he felt he was entitled to, so of course he gravitates towards communities which reassure him that he IS entitled to that lifestyle, and it's the hysterical baby-killing feminists and sissy liberal scum who are ruining everything. He retreats into heavily misogynistic and violent traditionalism/conservatism because it helps him maintain that sense of entitlement, and conservatism plays into his entitlement in order to keep him loyal. And that's how divorced men end up in ISIS or the Proud Boys or whatever.

(And then you add the entitlement of "the American Dream" on top of the entitlement of the straight man's dream, and that's why you see USAmerican men lose their minds over it at an accelerated rate.)

Divorce seems to radicalize american men in a way that needs to be studied

[lovestrucklaundry]

...

[cinna-wanroll]

On Homophobia Surrounding Queer Obi-Wan

Queer people get asked to settle or let things go so often that it baffles me. As a genderqueer, bisexual, and gray romantic person, my experiences get invalidated or criticized daily. It is exhausting. I feel that queer people are often pushed into scenarios where they have to prove who they are, but not too much, lest you cause discomfort to some cishet people who may be sensitive to "that sort of thing." Queer characters and expressions are, unfortunately, no different. 

What's my point? My point is that I should not be up at 3 am, my stomach turning, because of something I knew was bound to happen. As soon as I read that Obi-Wan's identity was going to be elaborated upon in Padawan, I expected the incessant whinings. I expected the shocked, ridiculously wounded alpha-male routine. And yet, as @sunflowersinheaven 's post: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/sunflowersinheaven/691110776621219840?source=share crossed my dashboard, I began to spiral. At first, sure, it was vaguely amusing. Then, it became sickening.

Still, I have a few things I would like to address:

This is not new. Obi-Wan was referenced as bisexual in the Revenge of the Sith novelization. Those claiming that this is to fulfill Disney’s queer agenda need to admit to the fact they didn’t know everything prior to this now, and if they have such a problem with it, then why not call out Lucasfilm too? They aren’t trying to preserve representation that is marginally accurate, they’re being a bigoted assholes. 

People saying this "doesn't prove Obi-Wan is queer" are fooling themselves. No, it's not pushing lgbtq+ identity(s) onto him just because he's around queer people. Obi-Wan uses gender-neutral language when expressing attraction, and he even addresses the fact that he generally finds the group of people he's with attractive. Obi-Wan says that he may want to kiss ALL of the people he's surrounded by, except for a character who uses she/her pronouns. Hmm. That does not sound super heterosexual to me. As a side note, for those who read this more in an a-spec interpretation, I am approaching this from an opinion that Obi-Wan experiences sexual attraction. I read this as Obi-Wan being confident that he finds people attractive but unsure whether he wants to act on that attraction. Therefore, somewhere in that bi umbrella is where I see his identity. At Obi-Wan's age (now, obviously, everyone's experiences with attraction are different and equally valid), I was sure I liked many genders. Now, what I wasn't so sure of was my romantic or sexual attraction toward them. Writing a character uncertain about their identity does not invalidate their current feelings. Sexuality and attraction (romantic and non) are fluid. And Obi-Wan being young is not an excuse to use homophobic/invalidating rhetoric to try to flip around on queer Obi-Wan supporters. 

People who blame the author for "ruining Obi-Wan's character," need to do some serious self-reflection. Why does a character being queer ruin their character for you? That is astoundingly ridiculous to me, especially coming from a group of people who so often express the opinion, "Oh, well 'gay people' always make their sexuality their entire personality," and various other bullshit. Really? And yet, you can't seem to overlook a character's sexuality, which ruins everything they are to you. Some of these people are the same ones who were creaming themselves over the Kenobi show, TCW, etc. Which, I mean, hey! Kenobi has been my favorite man since I was five. I get it! And yet, I'm still a fan, unlike the manchildren wailing about the fact that Obi-Wan likes men. Sad. Now, if they're claiming that Obi-Wan being anxious and emotional in the book ruined his character... leave your fragile masculinity at the door and remember what it was like to be a teenager for fucking once. I only say "teenager" in this circumstance not because I feel adults can't feel this way (I am an emotional, anxious WRECK y’all), but because these are not traits Obi-Wan keeps into adulthood. 

People who say this is either trying to invalidate his relationship with Satine or can't be true because of his relationship with Satine need to shut up. If you know my blog, you know I am a day one Obitine stan. What I refuse to engage in is bigotry based on my personal ship preference. (Although I am a multishipper). Select members of the Obitine fandom; do better.

To the people complaining: Please stop. I am tired, and people on the internet need to work on their goddamn (not so critical) thinking skills. If you don't want to accept part of a character, examine why. Your prejudice and weak claims that this is only to feed the "woke agenda" are rooted in misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia, and I hope I never have to meet any of these people in real life. 

[edelegs]

a very unfocused analysis on why edelgard stans are mostly lgbt

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn’t seem designed to appeal to cishet men. Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero. She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated. Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind. And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but. Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route. The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for. This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman. Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment. Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you. I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of. Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating. I love this character so much. It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her, because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil, because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

[pangwave]

Things don't have to have substance, bunch of straight shit has no substance and is still entertaining at the very least. BL should be allowed have masterpieces and... the direct opposite. Not everything has to be a work of art and it's fine for it to not be.

Not sure what the context for you hating KP is (I don't follow you and this showed up in the KP tag), but the actors can actually act and have great onscreen chemistry and that's why I personally enjoyed the show despite the flaws it has in addition to the Meta the fandom produced and the engagement the creative team allowed for the audience to have.

Can't say most of BL shows produced and their team + fandom can come up with the things the KP fandom has or had put in the effort/complexity the KP creative team has.

Most BLs have the most mediocre actors paired with the most lackluster scripts so, at least for me, it was a gem. Also, I'd been waiting for it for 2 years before it came out. *shrugs* It was different, it was mature, it stepped out of the university setting I was so mind numbingly tired of.

Sorry fandom ruined it for you. It was, for me, one of the most engaging fandoms since ITSAY and Not Me and for that, I personally liked it despite its various shortcomings.

hi anon! first of all! my main problem isn't that kp doesn't have substance per se. i agree wholeheartedly that bls should have amazing, complex, mind blowing shows but also allow room for more silly and turn-your-brain-off kinda series and everything in between. we as queer people deserve the same range of shows and reps as cishets get in their own television, but my issue with kp is that people keep acting like it was a revolutionary show. it was not! it could've been, for sure. i expected it to be, and i'll be honest and say i was completely let down by the end result because i, too, waited over 2 years for it to come out, i was really excited because i adore apo and the premise of the story seemed fantastic, but alas, amidst all the troubles this production went through, the final product did not survive and we ended up with a show much different from that very first 9 minute "teaser" that made us all enthralled in what apo and mile could offer.

to me, kp had so much potential to be a great, thought-provoking, mature show that completely deviated from everything we've been used to in thai bls, but what came of it was a contradictory plot with many many plotholes and characters that didn't make sense or added anything to the story. apo is a good actor, and so is mile, but none were phenomenal or oscar worthy as some of you try to make them out to be, and the rest of the cast was mediocre. the production crew had many issues too and the vp actors are two shitbags im not gonna waste my time on.

like. fine!!!! you can enjoy kp i don't mind!!!! just please stop putting it on this pedestal as if it was the best thing in the world. be realistic pls. it *is* exciting that it offered something totally new to the thai bl scene, yes, but that by itself doesn't grant it a gold star. the show *was* lackluster and we all know it could've been so much better had they followed that original teaser. or, hell, focused more on the actual story than on those saturated sex scenes.

as for the fandom. well. i have a lot of bones to pick with like 90% of the people who engage with kp content, but i do admit some beautiful fan work came out of it that deserves praise. but overall, a very much braindead fandom by the stuff i've come across. again, it's not like there was a lot to work with considering the changes they made to the plot (like the house porsche and his brother live in, which does not add up to the situation they are living in, when in the original teaser they lived in a very small apartment.) and most of the show was just a display of hot men that i was personally not interest in, but the lack of critical thinking and the will to overlook serious problems and situations for the sake of finding actors attractive was honestly baffling. when kinn >sexually assaulted< a drugged porsche, people thought it was cute. when vegas drugged porsche and attempted rape, he was a little meow meow. when vegas, again, kept being completely awful and disgusting with porsche and then proceeded to torture pete, it was a love story. when accusations came out that pete's actor had done terrible things, no one gave a shit because y'all are much more interested in seeing men fuck than in the wellbeing of those who he hurt. like wake the fuck up, what's wrong with you all? shows are allowed to be complex and problematic, my complaint is not that. i don't care that vegas is vile and that kinn is flawed, but i do care about how you people willingly excused their behaviours for vanity. i swear petev3gas girlies are the most repulsive people i've ever seen and i hate each and every one of them with a burning passion. it's fucking hilarious actually how many maaaaany of them are all very anti-th4rntype and m3w and "sexual violence is terrible!!!!" but were so very quick to turn the blindest of eyes to the countless awful things vegas did and have the fucking gall to root for petev3gas.

anyways. like kp if you want, but i'm sick and fucking tired of y'all holding the show to this high standard when many others are far better and more cohesive, with a much better message, characters and storylines. please develop some critical thinking skills that tiktok and twitter probably sucked out of your brains and learn to accept that not everything you like is a masterpiece and that's okay.

[lochnessies]

ok here’s a dissection of a post an anon sent me the link to and bc i have the worst time management possible and i completely forgot i had it lol so sorry anon here you go ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn��t seem designed to appeal to cishet men.

i hate to be the one to break this news to you op but just because a character doesn’t show skin like charlotte fire emblem doesn’t mean she isn’t designed to pander to men. she’s very much designed to pander to the (majority straight male) player base with her ‘uwu i only trust you professor omg did u see that rat? pls don’t look at my painting of you uwu’.

then there’s the whole edelgard c support in japanese where byleth makes reference to having come to her room for ‘yobi’ which is

there’s also the scene where byleth can make an unsolicited comment about edelgard’s breast size. which is… uhh… gross.

edelgard also has cipher cards that go from slightly fanserviceie to full on suggestive

and also her breast armor that my sister relentlessly mocked lol

and here’s a chart from the 3h subreddit about gender/sexually in regards to edelgard and edeleth. it’s extremely straight male. op might have just overlooked this since they probably don’t go on reddit and stay on tumblr (which unlike reddit is mostly female and has a high lgbt demographic).

Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero.

i don’t like where this is going…

She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated.

so women who cover up must be lgbt because straight women are naturally more revealing? oh y i k e s

Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind.

“titties don’t equal no substance but here’s my post on how she has more substance because she doesn’t show titties” ok

And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

yes she does. amazing design 10/10. i have a feeling this is the only part i’m going to agree with

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but.

don’t really have anything to say at this part. it is pretty on the nose though i would slightly disagree with that last sentence a bit. i wouldn’t say she’s as i feeling as hubert is but all of her talks of the war boil down to how she feels and never her victims.

Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. 

????? what ????? her goals include imperialism, ethnic and religious targeting. her story is about having a set of beliefs and mowing down anybody who stands in her way. that has nothing to do with tea, friends, and lazy days. also am i supposed to be sad that she has to get up everyday and work? i do that and i didn’t start a war and only throw a pity party for myself

The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

this isn’t an ideal situation but i think i’m going to stick with the woman who tried to make me a god since i’m not selfish and i know it’s not only my desires and life at stake here. plus the green hair slaps ngl

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route.

i’m not going to touch this since @nilsh13 made a post on it that i’ll link here. i agree with everything he said so to repeat it would be redundant.

The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for.

literally the same reason i love rhea lol her goddess experiments are dubious at best but her reasons are the same you mentioned. i would say that i like this quality in edelgard too if her ending, while bloody, actually ended in a good outcome for fodlan.

This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

i understand wanting to change a system, i really do. like edelgard, i’m an opinionated bisexual woman (who’s also physically disabled) so yeah i get it. and change can be good but it can also be terrible. even if the church was the boogeyman edelgard treats it as she still replaces it with her own shit regime. so it’s the same circus just with a new conductor.

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman.

or maybe she does some pretty fucked up shit and it goes unacknowledged in her own route. and yeah she’s radical but in all the worst ways.

Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. 

and what about people who have been hurt by systems where their ‘merit’ didn’t measure up and they were left behind? what about people from nations that experienced imperialism?

Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment.

yeah the ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ are used in relation to attempted murders which i think everybody can agree is a bad thing that needs to be condemned.

Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you.

it has literally nothing to do with ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ in regards to being gay or trans. that’s you projecting. especially since the church has 2 canon gay characters and two coded ones.

like i can understand why having a church condemn you can be uncomfortable but i’m begging you to please look at the context of what’s happening.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

i was talking to nilish and he said

so yeah… while there is definitely sapphic femleth shippers out there, there’s still a whole lot of weird fetishizing going on from straight men about edelgard.

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. 

i can tell. this wasn’t supposed to be a dig but it came out that way and i’m not taking it out.

I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of.

so a gay revolution power fantasy (cringe) goes hand in hand with imperialism and installing a dictatorship? also the war had nothing to do with sexuality.

Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating.

edelgard gets to learn how to be human all while hunting those who don’t. and she doesn’t listen fo her friends. she doesn’t even trust them. she’s willing to talk to byleth but keep the people who’s been by her side for five years in the dark about everything. and yeah she gets to enjoy her new words since she’s on top. hate to be a commoner under her rule after she burned down my village in her war.

I love this character so much.

clearly. and i honestly don’t care if somebody likes her. i do as well even if my sometimes scathing words can make it seem otherwise.

It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her,

me too. please help me escape i’m losing my mind

because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil,

i mean, she does some fucked up shit that goes beyond any of the less than desirable actions of the other main characters and does an extremely poor job in trying to make herself seem innocent. i personally don’t think she’s pure evil but i completely understand where the people who say she is are coming from.

because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

that’s big talk from somebody who implies that a gay pope is comparable to homophobic and transphobic irl religions and that leads an oppressive regime all because she uses the vague terms of sin and punishments that you have to gay power fantasy your way out of

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

I know at least some of you are men who date women and I have to ask, what is the thought process I how you conduct yourselves? I mean, honestly!

Talking to a guy online and I mentioned I have severe insomnia. He suggested masturbating or having sex.

First, what does he think is going to put me to sleep, an orgasm or semen? Because those two things frequently do not go together for women -- I mean they do for me, but he doesn't know that because he doesn't know me, so one assumes this is just advice he'd give to a woman.

Second, does he think I have somehow reached my late 30s with children having never noticed if an orgasm makes me sleepy? No, I've only had sex once and it was in early afternoon and then I got up and did dishes...

He told me not to take that the wrong way. I think incredibly offended is actually the right way, but I'm not sure if I'm offended by him trying to mansain insomnia or by the inappropriate nature of his suggestion. It's a toss up.

I said no, that does not help, because I wanted to see where he went with it.

He asked if I squirt because maybe that'd help.

...

Gentleman, has any woman ever asked you to measure how much cum you produce? If not, you should not ask her this question. That's the rule now, don't ask a woman about her bodily fluids until she asks about yours.

In a truly stellar moment, he goes on -- I'm not sure why, because I certainly did not encourage him with my complete and utter lack of response -- to tell me that a man's cum is the best treatment for depression...

Oh honey, no. There are so many things wrong with that idea. First, I never said I was depressed. Second, I promise you, semen is not magically absorbed through your cervix (because while he did not say it had to be applied vaginally, it was strongly implied) into your blood stream to be carried to your brain and your stomach to adjust your neurotransmitters. That is literally impossible. Second, suggesting that a woman has any use for your cum implies that you're going to skip a condom and that is not something you want to make people think when trying to pick them up as strangers, for a couple different reasons which should not require an explanation.

(My favorite, though, was him saying that this mystical power of cum was well known in Asia for centuries. Having an Asian husband, I can say that this is categorically NOT TRUE.)

He then asked for my number so we could text. And when I did not respond instantly, wanted to know if I was busy.

No, I just find you gross and creepy and want to wash my eyeballs out after reading that. I finally did respond to say that, albeit in a nicer fashion. (Not much nicer, but a pinch.)

This is only the most recent in a long list of inappropriate men.

There was a guy who told me he'd insist I find a job when I said I wasn't working. Excuse me? Followed by an immediate question of how I pay my bills. I cannot imagine how that would ever be anyone's business but mine unless I asked them to chip in. Not lewd but the control issues and invasion of privacy are still absolutely gross.

There was the guy who was asking me about my reading list. That seems safe and reasonable enough. Nope, he just wanted to judge my book choices and gatekeep whether I was a real fantasy fan. Thought I should be happy to have his approval. Sir, someone like you approving of any of my choices is actually the opposite of what I shoot for in life -- my aim is to piss off as many assholes as possible, I wake up asking "how can I ruin the most cishet white men's days today?" every single day.

Then there was the passive aggressive demand for a response guy. I dont think I even need to go in to detail.

Those are just the ones who annoyed me TODAY.

A guy messaged me about astrology, and because insomnia was the topic of the day, tried to fix it by suggesting melatonin. Not really offensive except for I said I had chronic severe insomnia that I had tried everything for and the man thought I was so goddamn stupid as to have not thought of that. If I tell you I have tried prescription sleep meds, you can be damn sure that yes, I have tried melatonin along with everything else because shrinks are fucking stingy with the good ones so you HAVE to have tried everything. He seemed sincere and was very engaged with a G rated conversation, so I'm gonna let that slide, though.

I'm not angry so much as confused. I just don't understand this behavior from men, because I do not remember the last guy I talked to who didn't cross so many blatant boundaries. These men are my age, so I know it's not a "kids today..." thing. Have you all lost all socialization skills from being in a pandemic and avoiding human contact for a year and a half? What's happening here?

It's not my profile because other than updating pictures (same type and quality of images), it has not changed. I thought maybe *I* had gone stir crazy and just lost all patience because I've been very reclusive since the clusterfuck over the summer, but I talked to my friends earlier and no, those conversations are the same, I'm precisely the same level of irritable.

If you have any explanation (I'm open to fucking crazy theories, btw), please let me know, because at this rate I'm kind of in despair how the human race while manage to continue procreating.

[raretypespecimen]

rant incoming (don't worry it's not me being mad, i'm just really hype about a book i'm rereading):

i'm genuinely shocked there's never been an uptick in interest in storm thief by chris wooding on this site. like of all places. it's a gothic dystopian YA novel with cyber and dieselpunk vibes with its main characters being a black disabled boy and a girl with chronic illness who live in the ghettos of a society that's built on greed and the bodies of people like them. there's a resistance and the fall of two civilisations. there's also a morally gray monster man. it's a book that's been living rent free in my mind since 2006. i'm currently rereading it as i do every so often and not only is it beautifully written and still holds up but the premise alone seems like the exact thing people would put on lists of diverse dystopian YA fiction or unique books for people who like dystopian fiction, steam/cyber/dieselpunk, gothic sci-fi, or eldritch horror. it has all of those aspects and i think a lot of people are missing out. it's also only one book and it's not too long meaning there's less commitment for people who don't want to read a whole series or start a series and never finish it (i hate doing that and yet i always do).

it's on my list of books i always wished there was an active fandom for because it's honestly one of the coolest fucking book i ever read growing up and much of the imagery it paints and it's story still inspire me to this day. it's at the top of my list of books i'd adapt if i had the chance and something i think people should give a shot. please read storm thief if you get a chance.

also kinda spoiler alert but also everything i'm saying next is either obvious early on (in a good story telling way, not lazy writing way) or straight up on the back of the book;

if y'all do read this book and i end up getting any messages from people whining about the cishetness of the characters i will scream because interracial friendship and love is just as revolutionary as trans and gay friendship and love. like the last time i suggested it to a group of people they complained about it "being basic YA" and "making the straight boy and girl fall in love" and to this day i'm still tight about that shit. like first of all it's obvious from the second they're introduced that they have little crushes on each other and their chemistry is really sweet and natural. it's a good m/f couple and one of the few genuinely sweet and healthy ones i read in YA fiction as a kid (ig you can argue codependency but they're just trying to keep the other one alive). second of all (and more importantly) until this book i had NEVER read a book with a black kid with dreadlocks from the ghetto being the hero of a sci-fi novel let alone being the dude on the cover AND getting the girl even though she's white. like ????? that was a Life Changing Experience for me and if you can't see why i really cannot trust you.

until i was 11 i only read about characters like me and the kids i grew up with in the hood in realistic fiction about being poor and black and sad all the time. this was the first teen novel i remember picking up about a black boy that didn't involve drive by shootings and the kind of racism i already saw and experienced every day. he was out there running from monsters and dodging eldritch storms while uncovering the ancient secrets of a chaos ridden society all while needing a respirator to breathe and wearing a dope gasmask fit. his name isn't some stereotypical "black" name, it's rail which is weird but i always thought that was cool as fuck. he's a character that if he wasn't described as "dark skinned and dreadlocked" in his intro, people would just up and assume he's white because you know why. his blackness is not his character, it's just a trait and he's treated like any other teenage orphan thief archetype only he's way fucking cooler because he has a gas mask and a dope ass artifact.

i will not tolerate any rail or rail/moa slander. he's a bad ass mother fucker and she's an equally bad ass secondary protag who's parents were rebels against the unjust political and economic powers at be and follow in their footsteps. she's also a very active participant in the story even though she could easily have been nothing more than a helpless damsel due to her waifish and sickly presence.

their friends to more arc is a part of the story's progression and their character growth, it is not the main plot point and i'm only spoiling that explicitly because if y'all really don't want to read a story with a m/f couple you can avoid this. but i will say that if you are among the shockingly common many who will straight up tune out when a guy and girl fall in love i really do think you have issues. like i get when it's forced in a really obnoxious way but a lot of y'all will read absolute garbage just because it's gay rep and then sleep on shit like this or other really cool books like hold me closer necromancer (completely different topic but i will rant about that next cause it's my next reread). it's sad to me y'all actively choose to miss out on cool shit because you apparently hate straight people so much that it will completely ruin something that's unique in every other way.

and again, highkey sick of people writing off m/f interracial couples as if the idea of black men being with white women isn't still demonized irl and rare in the media. this book was for kids, written in the mid 00s, and it managed to do what most mainstream media still rarely ever does.

[nightsh6de]

small killing eve rant

since season 3 of killing eve started, i’ve seen people all over twitter bitching and moaning about it. people who say that they’re fans of the show are actively shitting on this season. hey, i’m not saying you have to love everything about every show you watch. but y’all are seriously getting on my fucking nerves.

these people complain about the show more than they praise it; they whine that the “editing seems off” or that there’s “no purpose for the new characters & they’re soooo annoying”. if you weren’t just some rando on stan twitter, and actually a film/tv critic, i might listen to your complaints about the editing and casting. but you’re not critics, you’re just a fan. please know your place.

if you actually cared about anything more than villanelle/jodie (because she has some really wacky stans all of a sudden), you might be able to see that this season is absolutely fucking fantastic! we all sat through season 2, and i saw many people complain a LOT about that season. suzanne came in on the heels of an objectively mediocre season and has masterfully moved the plot and characters forward, giving them more development in four episodes than emerald gave them in eight.

the editing isn’t an issue. the plot and characters aren’t an issue. YOU are the issue. i can’t believe that people are seriously complaining about this season when we legit got a VILLANEVE KISS??? it makes me so furious to still see people whining when i’ve been here from the very beginning of this fandom & i’ve waited for villaneve since the beginning. twitter stans nearly ruined that moment for me too, and i’m still angry about that.

so please, don’t sit there and shit on a season that is funny, tension-filled, highly emotional, SUPER gay, and seems to be moving us closer and closer to villaneve (oh yeah, and that gave us a fucking kiss, if you don’t remember that). this season has taken us back to everything that was wonderful about season 1, while adding even more to it & giving us full-on villaneve canon along the way.

i can’t stress enough how important this show is, not only to me personally, but to so many other wonderful people i’ve met/know through this fandom. if you’re going to be a fan, make sure you at least respect the work done by both the cast and crew of the show. we get shit on enough by (mostly male) reviewers as it is; we don’t need people in the fandom to spread more negativity. this show is pushing boundaries and making the cishet men angry! we should be singing its praises from our rooftops!!

so, if you still want to complain, i kindly ask you to unfollow/block me. i want to enjoy this season just as much as we all enjoyed season one, and i can’t do that if i’m still seeing complaints from “fans”.

if you don’t agree with my view, there’s no need to attack. you feel free to do you, but i beg of you to reevaluate your place in this fandom: if you really aren’t enjoying the show at all this season, why are you still watching? if it’s not making you happy or excited anymore, why not do yourself a favor and just stop watching? that applies to all forms of media, not just killing eve.

i don’t get on tumblr that often, so i have no idea if this has been a problem on here, but if anyone wants to screenshot this and share it on twitter, i think it would have a bigger effect there. thank you for reading.

also, as i already know someone will try to come for me for a couple things i said above, let me make a few things clear: i absolutely adore each and every character (except for most of the men, they can fuck off lol), i love all of the cast and crew, and i have no hatred towards emerald or season 2. objectively, between season 1 and season 2, i think most will agree that overall, season two was much weaker. i’ve still seen it more than once, i still have several moments from that season that i adore, but it isn’t the best season of ke. that’s just my two cents there, and my view on the characters/cast & crew. please don’t accuse me of hating on anyone/anything from this show; i’ll just be forced to block you.

[a-queer-seminarian]

we are taught to interpret Esau’s trading of his birthright for a bowl of stew as impulsiveness, even (in Christian language) as a ‘weakness of the flesh.’ He chooses instant gratification over the farther off but far more valuable thing, and thus proves himself unworthy of his firstborn status and all it entails -- Abraham’s wealth and social power, but also Abraham’s relationship with God.

i don’t believe that.

Esau gave in to Jacob’s demand because he knew that Jacob would never have the means to compel Esau to make good on his word.

Jacob was physically weaker. Jacob was set to inherit the tiniest fragment of the wealth and resources that Esau would inherit. how on earth would Jacob ever wrest the birthright and the blessing he was owed from Esau?

Esau’s ‘crime’ here is less impulsiveness, and more a trust in the status quo. his world of patriarchy and primogeniture promised him his inheritance, whether he was a good man or bad, an honest man or a liar. he could tell his younger brother whatever Jacob wanted to hear, but down the road he could trust that their father would bestow the blessing on Esau anyway.

his reliance on the status quo is what allows Esau to hand over his birthright so easily -- because he knows that merely saying it’s Jacob’s now does not make it so.

Esau’s great failing is that he assumes that his culture’s will is God’s will.

the problem for Esau is that God does not play by human rules.

____________

in the Book of Genesis and throughout the rest of scripture, we see God working within the bounds of cultural assumptions and norms, rolling with the binary systems that human societies construct -- right up to the point where Xe doesn’t.

In The Soul of the Stranger: Reading God and Torah from a Transgender Perspective, Jewish scholar Joy Ladin focuses on the elements of gender inherent to the system of primogeniture that places the firstborn Esau over the secondborn Jacob in every way. To her, biblical maleness comes in different “flavors” -- the roles expected of a firstborn son are different from those assigned to non-firstborn sons. She says,

“Jacob and Esau are both male and are born almost simultaneously, but they are assigned at birth to very different gender roles. Because Esau emerges from the womb first, he is considered the firstborn, heir not only to Isaac’s worldly possessions but also to the relationship with God that Isaac inherited from his father, Abraham. Though Jacob is born holding onto his brother’s heel, he is considered the second-born, expected to accept the authority of his older brother, who, after their father’s death, will be the head of the family. Like the gender binary, this law of inheritance, called ‘primogeniture,’ creates a lifelong, life-determining binary division between males who are and those who aren’t firstborn sons. And like the gender binary, primogeniture turns biology, in this case birth order, into destiny. The way male children are raised, the roles they are assigned, and the futures toward which they are steered are determined by whether they are or aren’t firstborn sons.” (p. 36)

Esau has grown up understanding that his inheritance is his destiny. It’s what he’s been born for, what he’s been raised for, what he is entitled to. Why would he believe that he would ever have to make good on his silly promise to Jacob to hand over that destiny? It’s set in stone, inviolable.

at least it is in the eyes of men. but not to God.

“If God were committed to the gender binary idea that people are unchangeably defined by the gender roles we are assigned at birth, then either Esau would have been destined to inherit Isaac’s relationship with God, or Jacob would have been born first. But as God reveals to Rebekah before the twins are born, God intends for the younger brother to usurp the elder, prenatally linking God’s blessing to trans experience. (Ladin, pp. 37-38)

in the ancient past and in the present day, countless roles get assigned to us as soon as -- or even before -- we exist the womb. biology is presumed destiny in so many ways: our gender, our race, the class and geopolitical location and family into which we are born, supposedly map out what our personalities will be, how our lives will go. and certainly these things do shape us, both by nature and nurture -- generational traumas come packed into our very cells, while our environment and how others treat us based on our assigned roles impact how we perceive ourselves and the world around us.

but even so, even so, biology is not destiny. especially not if God has any say in the matter.

for God is the great binary breaker, no respecter of persons or prejudices, unbeholden to the status quo. indeed, God almost seems to delight in upending our assumptions about who is blessed. secondborn sons and eunuchs, women and disabled persons, impoverished persons and disenfranchised peoples -- these are the ones whom God selects, again and again, to be recipients and agents of divine blessing. “blessed are the poor;” “the last shall be first.”

Esau assumes that biology, his status assigned based on birth order, is destiny. he does not fear his younger brother, who is rendered powerless by their culture to claim what he is promised in a moment of hunger. and probably this is safer for Jacob -- because when Esau does finally realize, too late, that Jacob is a real threat, Esau becomes murderously angry.

when Isaac is duped into giving Jacob his blessing after all, Jacob cannot stick around to claim the wealth and status that comes with it -- he must flee, or die under Esau’s hand.

i wonder if some of the violence we see in our time, and across every time and place, stems from the same kind of rage and fear that Esau experiences:

the rage of the ones who are raised to believe the world belongs to them, that they are entitled to certain blessings and privileges, only for the truth to pounce on them unexpectedly -- the shocking truth that biology is not destiny, that they are not inherently superior, that what they thought would be theirs without question might could be snatched from them after all.

the divine right to rule. manifest destiny. the ‘white man’s burden.’

white men who assume they are entitled to white women, so that the mere thought of a Black man winning a woman’s heart is enough to incite them to brutality.

white women who understand that the police are their personal body guards, to call down upon the bodies of Black adults and even Black children on a whim -- and are indignant in the rare circumstance that they are told otherwise.

men and white people who expect the best jobs and properties to go to them, so that anyone else advancing over them seems an appalling injustice.

cis women who perceive trans women as “invading their spaces;” cishet couples who think LGBTQ/queer couples ruin “the sanctity of marriage;” persons who are accustomed to being accommodated without even realizing it sneering at “safe spaces” and trigger warnings....

and on and on.

Esau had every reason to assume that his biology determined his destiny -- that he could make an impulsive promise, make a big mistake, and everything would still turn out in his favor. he was born into a world that told him so every day -- even that God sanctioned these human assumptions and systems. But God does not.

“God’s disruptions of gender in these stories make it clear that even the gender roles that matter most to human beings are not sacred to God. ...God in the Torah uses gender, but is not bound by it. On the one hand, God depends on gender to transmit the covenant across time and space, so that even after hundreds of generations, Jews will still see themselves as children of Abraham. On the other hand, God disrupts gender as a way of making God’s power and presence known. ...In these stories, faithfulness to gender has little to do with faithfulness to God. In fact, God counts on the fact that people are not bound by gender roles. The covenant with Abraham is founded on Abraham, Sarah, and Jacob’s embrace of trans experience: their willingness to live outside the gender roles they were born to and become the kinds of people they are not supposed to be.” (Ladin, pp. 57-58)

Faithfulness to human constructs has little to do with faithfulness to God. God blesses us when we can imagine beyond the narrative we are assigned -- as Jacob does in this story where he demands a birthright the world does not intend for him....and as Esau eventually does.

In Genesis 33, Esau catches up to Jacob after decades apart -- and Jacob expects violence. He sends gifts of livestock to Esau and conceals his most cherished family at the back of his huge household. But to his bewilderment, Esau is no longer murderously angry at having “lost” what he grew up assuming he was entitled to -- he rushes to his brother, throws his arms around Jacob’s neck, and weeps.

Esau was raised believing that he would own everything, and his brother nothing -- that Jacob would be one of many members of Esau’s household, subservient to him. But now, he does not even feel entitled to the livestock that Jacob offers him: “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what’s yours.”

Jacob is relieved by this unexpected reconciliation, exclaiming to Esau that “Seeing your face is like seeing God’s face, since you’ve accepted me so warmly!” He never expected Esau to accept what Jacob has known all along -- that biology is not destiny; that neither of them are bound to human constructs like birthright; that they can live a different way than the way prescribed to them, one in which both of them thrive.

___________

now, this story is by no means perfect. Jacob was able to imagine bigger for himself, to escape the destiny assigned to him -- but he does not imagine big enough. he does not use his new station to liberate others.

he becomes a patriarch -- assimilates into patriarchy and the power to own other human beings, to rule over every member of his household, rather than challenging the whole system that once oppressed him. i am reminded of trans persons, persons of color, women, who once they manage to acquire power for themselves never use it to help their fellow marginalized persons up. they land positions of power and use that power to oppress others as they were once oppressed, rather than using it to try to forge a new, better system for all.

Jacob the second-born becomes Jacob the patriarch. his household will be fraught with all the woes that come with this system that stifles all within it. his wives will hate each other and battle each other for what little power they can grasp. his sons will do the same, subjecting the younger Joseph to violence when, like Jacob, this little sibling dares to dream of being something greater than what his society assigns him.

what if Jacob could have imagined bigger? what if he had used his one fragment of shining clarity about how patriarchy and primogeniture stifled his true self to empower others, not only himself?

what if we could imagine bigger? what new and beautiful world could we build?

[remuswriting]

So, I’ve decided to write up this post about my pet peeves even though literally no one asked.  This focuses on a lot of things but the majority of it speaks about male readers.  I’ve noticed the majority of people who write male reader are cishet girls and while it’s great that more male reader content is being made, the content is not always the best when it comes to accuracy.  These are all things I’ve noticed as a gay man and I feel like should be addressed and fixed.

Something to keep in mind is that I say gay man throughout this but you can put in any sexuality or gender (besides cishet) in there that makes more sense for you.  Obviously mlm doesn’t mean gay men but gay relationship because man loves man.  Just wanted to put that disclaimer out there.

Submissive Reader

Okay, so the reader being submissive is totally cool and everything but not when it’s literally every single male reader post out there.  Now, submissive in this case isn’t just sexually but ‘personality’ as well. The media depicts a lot of gay men as very feminine and over the top or incredibly soft, which everyone says is submissive.  This idea feeds into heteronormativity, which means “denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation.” You could also just say that it’s forcing straight roles onto lgbt people, even though they’re not straight.

The reader doesn’t need to be all soft spoken and uwu just because you want the Haikyuu guy to be the dominant one in the relationship.  Personality doesn’t go with what you’re like in bed because why would it be?  Do girls always act like the way you’re writing submissive male readers just because they ‘bottom?’  No, they don’t.  It’s very aggravating to read because it literally discredits every guy who doesn’t act or dress that way and may ‘bottom.’  I know gay guys who literally just wear ratty t-shirts, cargo shorts, and sandals they bought three years ago and drink beer like no one’s business. They’re still gay submissive men who are being looked over because people want to use heteronormativity when it shouldn’t be.

  Over Sexualization + Fetishism

This is not always the case but I’m going to mention it.  A lot of cishet women read or watch yaoi and find it so incredibly hot and then become obsessed with mlm relationships.  If that is your reasoning for writing male reader, then don’t. It’s already disgusting enough that me being in a relationship with another man has gotten me messages asking who tops and who bottoms and what the sex is like.  It’s really easy to see who sees mlm relationships as yaoi and fetishizes it and who sees mlm relationships as relationships between two men.  There are blogs who are ran by gay men and them posting nsfw things dealing with mlm is completely different than a woman doing so. We are not your fetish.

Also, the over sexualization of gay men is when you’re always thinking about mlm couples having sex and you have to make everything sexual is starting to become more and more prevalent in any fandom and real life, which is disgusting and ridiculous. When a mlm couple goes to the store to get groceries, don’t find some way to make it where they’re going to have rough sex when they get home.  Let them buy their fucking groceries and have a fluffy moment.  You ruin the quality of the writing when making everything sexual.

If you write smut, then make them use lube and a condom.  Spit hurts so fucking bad, an asshole isn’t like a vagina that self-lubricates, so use lube.  I’m literally just saying that I don’t know any gay men that would rather have spit be used to prep instead of lube.  Also, I know you all think it’s so hot for guys to come in each other, but it’s so unsanitary.  Of course, if they’re each other’s firsts, it’s not as disgusting (still disgusting) but if they’re not each other firsts; have them wear condoms.  They should be getting tested after every sexual partner to make sure they’re not getting any STDs.  There are some STDs that literally never go away and they need to wear a condom any time they have sex or else they could infect that other person.  Yes, I know that you’re writing where they’ve never had sex with anyone before but let’s be real with some of your prompts.  Majority of men have sex in college and when they got to bars, so it’s not unlikely for them to not be a virgin.

  Sexualizing Minors

I know everyone has an opinion on this, so here’s mine; don’t.  I don’t give two shits if it’s fictional, you are still sexualizing minors. I don’t understand why you are all so dead set on only writing them in high school when there is literally a whole time skip to use.  According to Japanese law, you become an adult when you’re 20, which means that high school guys should not have any smut written for them.

None of the Haikyuu boys were even thinking about sex in high school.  The fandom has made some of them sex gods when they were all volleyball losers who only thought about school and volleyball.  It’s confirmed Kuroo was in college prep classes and he also forced Kenma to be on the volleyball team.  He only thinks about school and volleyball, sorry guys. Ushijima is literally only volleyball and it is so funny you guys think he’s all sexual.  The guy is too stupid to realize common things about earth and it’s gravity, do you really think he’s going to be all ‘daddy’ with anyone?

Another thing is how I don’t see the appeal for anyone to have sex in the gym or club room or in public due to the number of germs there are.  This goes back to people over sexualizing mlm relationships but there’s no need to have so many public sex things written about high schoolers. Instead of doing all that weird shit, write for the Haikyuu guys when they’re 20+ and do like college AUs (my favorite) or just follow the time skip.  I promise you, it’s not that hard when there’s a whole Haikyuu wiki page just about the timeline that breaks everything down into years and months.

 Americanization

Buckle your seatbelts boys because this is going to be a long one.

I notice in nearly everything I read is that you guys Americanize it.  Sure, you don’t know Japanese culture, so you write what you know. This is really annoying though because you’re taking away from the culture Haikyuu comes from.  If you want to make it like it’s in the United States, then make it an alternate universe instead of doing whatever you’re doing.

I have been writing Haikyuu fanfiction for years and have done plenty of research when it comes to Japanese culture from Googling things to intense reading to taking notes from what I notice in different animes.  One thing I’ve been working on for awhile focuses on Hinata, who is a trans guy. There are a lot of people who would just make it as American as possible but I’ve been researching about how Japan is with the lgbt community.  Just because I want to write a character to be something doesn’t mean I’m going to Americanize it.  Let me share what I’ve read.

Gay marriage isn’t really a thing in Japan.  Two prefectures have it but it literally means about nothing when it comes to the government.  If they just want to get married because they really love each other, then that may work for them but they will not be seen as married to the government.  It is still taboo for people to be gay in Japan, so no one really screams it from the rooftops that they’re gay and dating someone of the same gender.  Transgender people are just now getting places to go to get hormone replacement therapy and if I remember correctly, it’s maybe a handful of places but at least one for sure.  LGBT things in Japan are not the same as they are in the United States, so don’t write it like it is.  I’ve been told I’m writing it that way to create angst when in reality it’s because that’s how it is over there.

I’m going to come off as rude here but how the fuck are you guys writing their schools wrong?  They don’t go to different classrooms each period; they literally stay in one class all day and the teachers change for each period.  This is one of my biggest pet peeves because why do you have to Americanize this thing when it’s literally clear as day something that doesn’t happen over in Japan. Here are some things about Japanese schools.

They start at 8:45am and end at 3:15pm.  Schools in Japan go from Monday to Friday but used to be Monday through Saturday. There are three terms: April to July, September to December, and then finally January to March.  Each term gets a report card and finals.  Classes are 40 minutes long with 10 minute breaks in between to do whatever as long as you’re back in your seat before the next class. Elementary and middle schools always had some type of field trip, so if you could always have reader meet one of the boys on the field trip because maybe both of their schools went to the same place.

It’s not that hard to look this stuff up.  To look all of that up, it took maybe 30 minutes because I was checking different sources to try to fact check somethings.  I’m just one for accuracy and it drives me nuts when someone doesn’t put in the same effort I did into making things as accurate as possible.

 Settings

I’ve already discussed school setting, so let’s go into some settings that are typically written incorrectly.  This is usually because people don’t have actual experience with that environment.

University

I can’t find just a whole lot all about university in Japan but I’ve found some, so I’ll share what I’ve found.  University students take fashion seriously because they’ve been forced to wear uniforms for the last six years.  In the United States, we value comfort over fashion and I’ll admit I’ve gone to lecture in pajamas before and not cared because it was an 8am class but it’s not like that in Japan.  Everyone tries to look as good as possible because they finally can.

Dorms are not like they are in the United States.  My living situation right now is more like theirs than the U.S. aka I live in an apartment by myself (I need a roommate though because rent is so fucking expensive). About every student lives in an apartment and there are no dorms unless you are a foreign exchange student and you’re still technically in an apartment but you have a roommate you didn’t pick. Characters can live in the same apartment complex if you want them to but Kenma literally lived in a house in his second year of university if you want to have that accuracy.

They don’t change their major once they start college.  As much as I could see some of them constantly changing their majors, you just don’t do that in Japan.  It’s a pretty weird concept because my mother changed her major six times before she stuck with nursing and I know a guy that has been at a two year college for five years because he keeps changing his major.  They decide what they want to do because they start university and have to hope they’re going to like it.

I read an article from someone who went to university in Japan and the entrance exams to universities are apparently the hardest part about university there.  You don’t have to really work much to pass classes in Japan because all you need to do is show up to get the units for the course.  Some classes don’t even require attendance, you just have to write a report by the end of the semester.  This is so different than university in the United States where you are literally drowning in homework every single day and debate on dropping out constantly.

Hospitals

As someone who has multiple family members who worked in hospitals, which made me be in hospitals constantly as a child, and had a lot of medical issues, it is the most annoying thing to see people write hospital wrong.  There is so much information online that you can look up as well as just asking people you know who have been in hospitals as either patients, visitors, or employees.  This is going to based off of American hospitals because I was having a difficult time finding things about

In regular hospitals, you cannot leave the floor without anyone knowing.  There is literally no way to break out of there without someone knowing. This applies to at night too because there are always nurses there at the nurses station because they have to check up on patients and give medication as well as help people go to the bathroom.  Doctors don’t stay at night because their shift is during the day.  You may not have the same nurse twice while in the hospital because they work 12 hour shifts.  I don’t know if this is the same system as in Japan but nurses don’t work every single day if they work in a hospital, they do have days off where other nurses will take their shifts.  In the United States, some hospitals have four 12 hour shift days in a row and then three free days.  Nurses change patients a lot because of the people taking that shift or they have to go work on a different floor.

You are required to eat, even if it’s through an IV.  Also, you always have an IV in your arm if you are admitted to the hospital because it’s just how it is.  Typically regular hospitals aren’t all that pretty and I’ve been to like dozens for multiple things, but psychiatric hospitals usually have the prettiest grounds. That’s just a random thing that I’ve observed in my 21 years of going to hospitals.

[full-course-identity]

Give me your thoughts on uuuh Jake

wew boy

okay. gonna word dump this, and probably other interpretation asks, so I can get the words out there.

from my POV, there’s 3 types of canon Jake + 1 fanon vers + my personal interpretation. lemme explain what they are;

Book Jake, who I don’t have enough experience with bc I STILL haven’t finished the book… >_>;

2River Jake, who is kinda oblivious and very in-the-moment impulsive (not so bad he’s jumping place to place ADHD like Rich, but like, not considering that maybe dropping everything to seduce Madeline or Christine is a bad idea when he clearly really likes Chloe). these are debatably survival mechanisms bc of his family (and wealth, if you want to go into the “being rich actually traumatizes you and locks you into dissociation” theory–but to be fair, this is partially reliant on thinking Jake is Genuinely Rich. … well, not Rich as in… yeah); ignoring any pain he feels in favor of getting dicked down and forgetting about everything for a while. very “I’m not sad, I’m busy!!!!!” 

Bway (possibly the new canon general for all Jakes since it sounds like London’s is modeled after him but just… toned down), who is still oblivious, but towards other people’s emotions instead of himself; he’s manipulative, a little impulsive but a lot more malicious about it, and he knows exactly how hurt he is about his parents. this jake’s awareness of himself makes him act worse because he knows this is the only thing that seems to help and it’s basically the only thing he actually has control of. his wealthiness is undeniably present and Bad here because the reason taking what he wants and not caring that it hurts people is his main coping skill is pretty much only because he’s been allowed that privilege all his life. i tend to think this version of him should be done by a white cishet dude (despite jake’s actor on bway being genuinely FANTASTIC) bc being marginalized in a high school should’ve curved a lot of the “endless power and privilege” he gets for being rich (Not That One). 

[i… think this jake has ‘better’/more nuanced writing in BWay… but i don’t think it fits the musical nor is it the overall direction i think it should’ve gone. BMC feels best to me when there’s a heavier element of Dark Humor that briefly nods to a Larger and more Fucked Up world behind the bit we see in the musical. making it largely a twisted comedy, maybe even ramping that up further with more whiplash lines like jake’s “which means the house is empty, so that’s fun”]

Fanon Jake is… like most of the fanon characters in BMC, a bit… “bipolar” (like, radically shifting depending on the situation). the BMC fandom has been born with heavy engagement from minors in the current fascist climate of fandom as a whole. as a result, you have three general uses of jake that as “approved of” by somehow the exact same people despite being conflicting in a lot of ways. THIS IS NOT ME SHITTING ON FANON, i actually think most of this fandom is just a casual romp for most people and that shouldn’t be snatched away from them nor mocked nor treated like you HAVE to be logically consistent when this is just a fun hobby for most… but there are still trends i notice:

1: Jake the sweet bi disaster who loves their significant other and is just a little bit hopeless in their silliness and Down For Whatever-esque personality. this is often used for shippy pictures and memes and cute little oneshots, plus, of course, fluff.

2: Jake the tragic abuse victim who is extremely sad and has to learn to love again and has always been selfless, plus or minus a permanent disability post-fire. this is of course used for hurt/comfort, plus in combination kinda with michael in the bathroom-esque posts and tragic art, often also used as an example of the squip being the worst for jeremy or rich guilt trauma. also: aesthetic and moodboard posts.

3: the one I have the least good will towards: Jake the “why does everybody woobify mlm? You can’t portray him without flaws! queer boys aren’t your fetish!!!” with an attached, clunkily written reasons why he was an asshole that is also simultaneously watered down so you don’t think he’s a Monster bc then you’d be vilifying queer men (well, more like they’d feel bad about their cutesy-er ‘emotional support’ art and writing which is Totally Different from all the other cutesy emotional support art and writing). 

basically, Meta Trying To Make Jake Reasonably Flawed But Not Evil in this fandom is RARELY genuine–it’s more often than not moralistic hand-wringing made so that they can wash themselves of the guilt for actually enjoying something with a character they portray as mlm, or otherwise the guilt of enjoying anything romantic or sexual involving men or queer people period when we’re apparently not supposed to do that anymore, as decreed by the radfems infesting our spaces. 

and, well, or you’re an mlm writing this post, you’re probably young and still feeling extremely sensitive and scared about your identity. i once saw a very wise post by a trans person who had been trans for a long time, who said that when you first come out as trans (or queer in general, but especially trans people who are beginning social or physical transition and coming to terms with themselves) you are obvs on High Fucking Alert and so you’re insecure and scared of anything, ranging from “obvious transphobia” to “just trans people enjoying themselves and exploring transphobia in fiction or else their own sexuality”. again, this can relate to a lot of identities tbh, and as such young mlm either cis or trans can get very Itchy about people enjoying mlm content.

anyway.

wrapping it back around to me: i edit jake on a case by case basis (sometimes i even make him eviler or meaner based on what’s set up during Bway, he’s just not my usual go-to villain), but i tend to think of him as a tragic Mr. Peanutbutter-y sweetheart who kinda knows he feels like shit yet also knows that if he stops to assess it, it would make his life a lot harder in a time where he can’t afford that. his relationship with chloe is extremely toxic (chloe abuses him horribly, specifically), and so he tries to claw his way out of it only to be continually back in by chloe and her bullshit. 

this is why he doesn’t really get... well. he genuinely thought the thing with christine was going to be permanent; he wasn’t jerking her around, he thought he was over chloe and wanted a girl as cool and fun and genuinely nice as her. afterward he Gets It, and so feels Really Bad--at a time where he doesn’t have his house, his legs are broken (i don’t tend to put him in a perma-wheelchair), his parents have abandoned him, and he best friend is in the hospital. guilt crashes in on him from all sides, and he just has to... pretend it isn’t, even as he can no longer stop himself from thinking about it.

if i was to do a jake focused story, it’d probably be a dating sim where you play as him and watch his life change in conjunction with his attempts to find happiness again; you can either choose decisions that help him greatly or ruin his life so ver much... hmm. lets file that under hashtag “story ideas i’ll never use even though they could be great”

to wrap this up: i like jake. i don’t... really enjoy most of the written content (fanfic, meta, sometimes even the storylines on ask blogs) in this fandom about him or... really, most of the characters, which i feel bad about--i’d enjoy it more if it was every in conjunction with my usual Wants in a fic, which is, like. extreme angst.

BUT

i do still like jake, and i can super enjoy his portrayal in memes and visual art

he’s just not my total fave, but like, the reason he tends not to come up a lot in my content is more what i’m focusing on and why. i’d be happy to use him in stories if his presence fit.

as a bonus

here’s the ships i’m happy to use him for, generally: deere, michael/jake, brooke/jake, toxic chloe/jake, and of course, different ocs/jake

his identities/labels: cis, bisexual/romantic... tho sometimes i actually go for bisexual and aromantic! outside bway and eviler jakes, i’m good with him being any race, and even then it’s just a matter of suspending disbelief re: privilege theory. also, PTSD probably, and maybe generalized anxiety as a result. maaaaaybe autistic too? adhd would be a hard sell for me since he seems super put together in a way that’d be extremely difficult for every form of adhd, but i can see him being neurodivergent on the spectrum + like dyslexia maybe. oh, and i sorta-kinda think he may be color blind? but really i’d drop that at a moment’s notice if it’d be easier to write him without it lol.

his interests: one is more or less sports in general, tho i think that, unless he went straight for track or swimming or something Olympics (which he probably can’t do now...), that’s a high school or some college only focus for him. so, besides sports, i think he’d kinda like the satisfaction and steady growth of Collecting Rare Things That You Have To Look For, like cool rocks, bugs, etc. 

as for careers... some form of doctor something, maybe a businessman of some sort but he’d likely try to curve his power in that field as much as possible; he inherits his parents' assets and company or whatever, but he probably takes a backseat to that and only really has it out of a sense of ‘it’s my job as my parent’s kid to keep the company going--without engaging in the same awful legal issues they did--for as long as i can’. one of my fave jake-is-there stories, vanceypant’s spicy bis-focused fic 1999, has him owning a restaurant, and that was cool as hell.

also jake loves dogs. especially golden retrievers. yes.

[scottsumrners]

fuck shit like "forced diversity" why do some gays want to please straights so much? like making characters not be cishets is actually cool iceman was like the forgotten xmen before he was gay harley and ivy are now icons.

honestly, i feel like that’s got a lot to do with shit like...context, you know?

i mean. let’s take bobby’s case, for example. if you dig through 10+ years back on my blog (please don’t), when i was live-blogging my reading through the x-men comics (i’ve read every x-men and x-men related issue from the very first UXM to AvX), there were very clear signs of bobby being gay. like, they were probably not intentional, but for someone who gets context clues, it was there, you know? even before the more obvious/glaring things came to light (aka emma saying he had a lot of “potential” to unlock, his only significant straight relationship being with mystique, his dick-measuring contest with alex summers)

so to have bobby actually come out felt good. felt like a pay-off. vindication, even! (personally, i wish it had happened before jean-paul got married, because jp/bobby is my second favourite bobby ship, after bobby/alex)

but then there is...context. because bobby coming out didn’t feel like a natural evolution of who the character was. it was literally just jean grey peering into his mind (without his consent) and outing him (yes, to himself, but still). and it wasn’t even present-day bobby, it was past!bobby, in a gimmick that is possibly one of the worst things that happened to the x-men, and that overstayed its welcome from the moment it happened. worse yet, it was done almost entirely for shock value, by a writer who is known for disregarding the development of characters when he gets his hands on them, and for doing events/plotlines that ruin everything for everyone that comes after him. i mean, remember when he had miles saying he didn’t get why people cared he was a black spider-man? big yikes

so bobby coming out cheapened his own evolution as a character. am i glad he is out? yes. but i wish it was done by someone who both understood the character and the weight this revelation carried (aka literally anyone other than the dude who did it)

but, personally, i’m entirely in favour of forced diversity. if it was up to me all characters would be gay, bi and/or trans. when i get my hands on the x-men, half of them are gonna come out on the first issue (including scott, emma, and kitty). in fact, i’m doing a pre-revealing right now: hank “beast” mccoy is actually a sapiosexual ace. 

[malandi]

TIL that softboy was a term by and for feminine men and trans men especially those on pre-T for positivity but cishets fucking ruined it like they do with everything they touch and now popular definition of softboy is a jerk who uses emotional vulnerability to use and manipulate girls. why don't we call it like it is and just say abusive dickheads

[fuckthegovfucklove]

The Love Ideology: What is love?

Trying to define love is a bloody tiring mission encumbered by vagueness, contradictions and inconsistencies. So I’m not going to attempt to define the word but rather look at some of the different shapes love comes in within interpersonal relationships.

I want to look at the different types of love, the function of each, the power dynamics that exist and their relevance as a basis to share my speculative thoughts on the wider implications of love in later posts.

Loving is touted as a necessity, a source of joy and an objectively good thing for humanity. I’m not so sure I agree and I think a counter-argument against love is useful in redirecting our focus to more urgent issues and developing critical thought, or at the very least being more conscious of the way you love (if you must).

I briefly look at self love, romantic love, platonic love and familial love from a mainstream (western) perspective since that’s what's most prevalent and all I know anyway. Love is not confined to interpersonal relationships and critique of it can be extended to sentiments like unwaveringly love for homeland (patriotism), love for a public figure (idolatry), love for an ideology (cultism).

You’ll find that in every case where love is referred to, it could easily be replaced by a more revealing synonym.

Self love

I know your familiar with this one, we rave on about it all the time. It’s being content with who you are, knowing your “worth” (you see the capitalist undertones too right?). Some call it a radical self-acceptance and according to John Kim the ‘life coach’, self love looks like this:

“When you get to a place where you like yourself, the action of loving yourself will come more naturally. You’ll have non-negotiables. You won’t tolerate certain behaviour from others. You’ll seek less approval. Your friendships will be less lopsided. You won’t have as many holes to fill within you. You’ll be more gentle with yourself, more forgiving. You’ll believe you deserve more, better, different. You’ll finally stop breaking the promises you’ve made with you. And the relationship you have with yourself will improve. “

Ah so, curing all the problems caused by love (and capitalism) with more.. love? Think about why you do what you do. You compromise because you love, tolerate because you love, seek approval because you want love, your love is quantifiable and isn’t always reciprocated, love told you you need it feel whole, to love you must forgive, you deserve love.

Is loving yourself enough in a capitalist world that measures your social worth on how full your cup of love is? (think about the [profitable] factors that determine this too). Will the inferiority complex completely dissipate? If you walk out on the expectations of this here capitalist world perhaps, but abandoning the pursuit of love might be a quicker route.

“You can’t love somebody else until you love yourself“ is a widely known cliché typically used in a romantic context. Some critique the adage saying self-love isn’t actually a precondition for loving others, clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer proposes a better alternative: “To deepen your love and acceptance of another, first develop love and acceptance for yourself.” Interesting. I still think theres a semblance of truth in the former that could easily be extrapolated to other types of love.

See loving the Other can only be done by identifying parts of yourself within them and seeing qualities in them that you like. It’s impossible to imagine what loving something entirely disconnected from us looks like because everything is in some way connected to self. We extend ourselves to the object of our love so that by loving the Other we are also loving ourselves. Kierkegaard calls this ‘self-love’. Loving your partner is loving self, loving your friend is loving self, loving your family is loving self, loving your nation is loving self, loving the environment is loving self, loving an ideology is loving self; no matter how selfless or sacrificial the nature. Thus, I have made the cheeky decision to sub them all under this title.

Romantic love

The most sought after, most regulated, most distracting and arguably the most delusional of loves. Romance is where we can write our own fiction and relies on our own imagination to create a world where it can function. Driven by our libidinal desires, we seek to conquer the heart of another. Our romantic interests becoming personified virtues who make us feel like we’ve never felt before (until they don’t).

It is here we are forced to learn a gender and organise our desires around them. Our bizarre sex-sentimentality makes romantic love a safe space to be completely uninhibited. Eroticism is confined to the couple as is building a life project (cohabitation, economic merging, child-rearing).

We have a set criteria of what we look for in a partner (our fantasy), too busy setting up our Tinder to question why our list is identical to the next persons and what is informing these ~ preferences ~. The success of romantic interactions are contingent upon the degree to which projective identification is continually effective, that is when a person projects their fantasy onto another so that they feel inclined or pressured to fall in line with the projective fantasy. In romance, this is typically one of amour passion where by confessing your feelings the other now hopefully joins you in this romantic fantasy.

We must then commit to this person, overcommit then merge. The merging process frequently comes with the dissolution of autonomy and boundaries because complete trust in the other is a requirement. We simultaneously create rules and install dependencies to solidify this union because subconsciously we know that love is not enough to keep two together.

Unpaid labour is an intrinsic part of romantic love and it’s usually gendered - maintaining a healthy relationship requires work (cishet women and those taking the role of woman/femme/more domesticised doing most of the labour). So is it that we enjoy working 9-5 + unpaid overtime or do the promised benefits of coupledom outweigh the cons?

Those who opt for singledom and see no sense in romantic love are considered immature or are diagnosed with the infamous disorder the therapists call ‘fear of intimacy’. Those who are single by circumstances are told that “the one“ will soon come and/or are often pitied. The social worth of an individual increases when they are in a couple as the partner is pretty much considered personal property.

Unions formed on the basis of romantic love are the only ones that are eligible to sign a contract with the state (think about why) and in exchange are afforded a multitude of benefits from adoption rights and tax deductions to immigration and residency for partners from other countries. These unions, called marriage, are usually accompanied by an expensive celebration party where friends and family are expected to attend and bring gifts.

So what is the purpose of romantic love and why do we desire it? Lynn Paramore sums it up.

“Romantic love is not based on companionship, but on the feeling of being desired. This kind of love appears to give us the opportunity, just as money does, to constantly remake ourselves, to project new version of our lives. It’s about longing, fleeting highs, the same stimulation we feel in buying a new car, a new wardrobe. As the married couple’s romantic attraction wanes, the need for stimulation is transferred to the next big purchase, the washing machine, the wide-screen TV. Capitalism goes humming along.”

Platonic love

Where there’s romance, love is expected to consume you. Friendships aren’t similarly expected to be as emotionally weighty and intoxicating; we expect support in good times and bad, someone to laugh, gossip and cry with and a companion to embark on new adventures with. We hope for our friendships to last long but don’t spend as much time deliberating about our future, we truly live in the present with those we consider friends.

These relationships are usually built off of shared values and interests, and an appreciation of the stark realities of the individual characters. They aren’t typically sought after but are formed by being in the right place at the right time. Friendships usually have no issue respecting autonomy, there’s something more rational and ethical about the bond. The voluntarist nature of the entanglements allow this and in comparison to romantic love, platonic love expects little.

The performative actions designed to win affection that are part and parcel of romance are left at the door. Platonic love isn’t devoid of affection but arbitrary limits are put in place e.g sexual intercourse. According popular culture sex ruins a friendship (loooool). Friends do typically seek a level of validation and affirmation from their peers, considerably higher (from my observations) for those socialised as men.

While platonic love doesn’t demand the cognitive bending that romantic love does, it’s similar in the sense that it’s love through favouritism. We give preferential treatment to those who favour us even in situations where logically we would do otherwise. It is expected of us. Platonic love however does not hold the same social value as romantic love and friendships are often “demoted“ once a new romantic interest takes the stage. Andrew Sullivan voiced his disapproval on this common practice:

“The great modern enemy of friendship has turned out to be love. By love, I don't mean the principle of giving and mutual regard that lies at the heart of friendship [but] love in the banal, ubiquitous, compelling, and resilient modern meaning of love: the romantic love that obliterates all other goods, the love to which every life must apparently lead, the love that is consummated in sex and celebrated in every particle of our popular culture, the love that is institutionalized in marriage and instilled as a primary and ultimate good in every Western child...We live in a world, in fact, in which respect and support for eros (romantic love) has acquired the hallmarks of a cult. “

Familial love

Familial love presents in a lot of arrangements. Between two individuals it can be a progression from platonic love or romantic love (though they can coexist). It’s a fondness born out of familiarity, dependency, mutual protection and non-judgmental support. Family can also describe a group of people you share similar experiences and rituals with, such as a church family or work family.

The primal familial love, the “blood is thicker than water“ love that is somewhat universal refers to the instinctual affection and protection we show to those with blood (shared genetics/common ancestors) and perhaps legal bonds (legally bound through adoption/guardianship). The love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa. Or extended blood family. With familial love theres an inherent hierarchy: offspring, spouse, parents-siblings, extended blood family and then other forms of family if chosen. I will refer to familial love as what exists between parent and offspring henceforth as it customarily obliterates the rest.

This familial love conventionally implies unconditional, ultra-protective, “I’d die for you“ love towards child. It’s not given according to their personal qualities (although once they’re no longer a minor it often weakens) and if a child should stray on the wrong path the parent will most likely do everything in their power to save them. The family is the nuclear of civilisation and the most basic unit of society. The education of almost all starts in the family, particularly character and moral education.

The familial love of a parent is one of duty and protection, and for the child it’s one of dependance and trust. As parents are the legal guardians of children, they position themselves as the authority and the child recognises them as such. Parents have a wider understanding of society and often try balance preserving a child’s innocence (I often wonder why) whilst making them aware of the “real world”. In order to ensure a child obeys them and trusts that they know what's best for them they often remind the child that there’s bad people out there that do bad things i.e “don’t talk to strangers, they could kidnap you“. Children are then obliged to submit to the parental safety that the home provides, whilst also being dependent on their parent for sustenance.

Familial love is assumed to be natural and present in all. It’s blasphemy to confess you do not love your parents or you do not love your child. In situations of conflict, familial love is supposed water down any malice, and forgiveness/reconciliation should follow. The family is expected to have your best interest at heart at all time and familial love is thought of as permanent, parents often say things along the lines of: “Your family remains even when everyone leaves“. Loyalty and favouritism is therefore expected and should also trump that of friends and romantic partners.

Many choose to reproduce. They get to experience the reverse of child-parent familial love where they are the ones in authority and build a life project from that. Why do people choose to have children? Some of the reasons people give range from: looking to find a sense of purpose, familism, pressure from peers and family, belief that it is your duty to continue your biological lineage etc. A growing number of people are choosing not to reproduce usually because they aren’t interested in parenting or bringing more people into the world (voluntary childlessness/anti-natalism).

Humanaesfera suggests a political explanation for the desire to create a family:

“Since the emergence of capitalism (ie, the industrial capital, the proletariat and the modern state, simultaneously, eighteenth century), the familism is the central fetish by which the proletarians (ie, those deprived of the property of any means of life) accept willingly to engage in maintaining and improving the enterprise and the government, creating and accumulating with dedication the very hostile power that systematically subjugates them, wears out them, recycles them, discards them and abandons them - the capital. This is because they place their libido (cathexis), their desires, in the family, pseudo capitalist property in which they fantasize are accumulating their own capital on a par with the capitalists. This leads them to support the ruling class and the police, that is, the state as guarantor of this fictitious property.”

[chasholidays]

How about a time stamp for the Home Improvement/HGTV verse: (new) addition. Thanks so much for doing this again!!

Series here!

“Honestly, I’m impressed it took them this long to ask us about kids,” says Clarke, which is the most positive spin she can put on the email they just got from the network.

Bellamy snorts. “Which isn’t creepy at all.”

“I never said it wasn’t creepy, I said it could be creepier. Big difference.”

“I guess it has been an entire season since we got married. They showed a lot of restraint not asking sooner.”

Clarke smiles. “That’s what I’m saying, yeah. They were probably just hoping we’d bring it up first, but whatever.”

“They’re definitely growing.” He flops down next to her on the couch. “Do you want kids?”

It’s not their first time having the conversation, but it’s also not a conversation they’ve ever really resolved. They’ve established that Bellamy wants kids and Clarke isn’t opposed, but it’s not as simple as that for them. He’s reluctant about having a kid on TV, but not completely against it, depending on how it’s handled, which Clarke does get. And she can’t imagine the email made either of them feel better on that front.

But they’re getting older, and while Clarke wouldn’t exactly say her biological clock is ticking, she knows that if they want to have children the old-fashioned way, they should start thinking about it sooner rather than later.

“I’m not sure,” she says, leaning into him. “And I feel like we should be?”

“At least seventy-five percent sure, probably.”

“I might be that sure.”

That seems to surprise him. “Really?”

“You’re not?”

“I still don’t really want to raise a child on camera.”

“Yeah, there is that. We could just start trying to get pregnant and end the show once it works.”

“The babies-ever-after ending?”

“I hear it’s a classic.”

He takes a second. “Do you want to be pregnant? I sort of thought you were leaning towards fostering.”

Clarke considers that herself. “I’m still not sure. But some of that is also–fame stuff.”

“Yeah?”

“You know how the network is. We’re not the only leading couple they’ve got, and most of the shows follow the same formula, just at different stages. You get together, you get married, you have babies. It’s what most of our viewers want. And it’s not like that’s the worst thing ever, but–”

“But you’re still mad about all those people who said that the network was trying to get woke points by casting bisexuals and then having them end up in a heteronormative relationship?”

“Like you’re not. They kept putting bisexual in scare quotes!”

“I know, they’re all assholes. But unless you’re going to divorce me and marry a woman, there’s nothing you can do to stop them from being assholes. You’re allowed to want to have kids, and fuck anyone who says you’re lying about who you are because you fell for me.”

“Obviously they’ve never seen you,” she says, with a small smile.

“Obviously. So, ignoring people on twitter who are wrong anyway, what do you want to do?”

“I’m still not sure.”

He kisses her hair. “Okay, well, the good news is that you don’t have to know. The network can wait.”

“But we should still think about it. For us, not for them. If that’s something we want.”

“And you think you do.”

“Yeah. You haven’t said much about what you want,” she observes. “That matters too. Is it just the TV thing?”

“Kind of.” He sighs. “I feel like I should be happier just giving it up, I guess.”

“What else is new? You hate admitting you like being a weird, HGTV celebrity.”

“I know. So maybe it wouldn’t be bad for a kid. Or not worse, I guess. But if we had a baby and quit the show, by the time it was old enough to know about the show, everyone would have mostly forgotten. It wouldn’t be a big thing at school or whatever. That sounds better to me.”

“It probably wouldn’t be even if the show was on,” Clarke says. “Kids aren’t really our demographic.”

“Their loss.”

“I grew up in Hollywood,” she points out, gentle. “It’s weird, but it doesn’t ruin everyone. Especially not this level of fame. It’s not like we’re going to star in blockbusters with a baby.”

“And we don’t live in California, let alone LA.”

“I’m not saying we have to have a kid on the show, or involved in the show. Just–it might not be as bad as you think.”

“Yeah, that’s how pessimism usually works. Stuff isn’t as bad as I think it will be.”

Clarke smiles, leans up to kiss him. “All I’m saying is maybe you don’t have to give up your career to be a father.”

“A father.” He sounds a little awestruck. “Jesus.”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“Yeah. Let’s see how that goes.”

*

In Diyoza’s defense, the email really isn’t that bad. The network seems to be aware that they need her and Bellamy more than she and Bellamy need the network; after all, they like doing the show, but if it ended tomorrow, they’d be fine. They have as much work as they can handle and if they stopped filming, they’d keep getting work. And obviously the network would be okay too, but they’re happier keeping a hit show around than trying to find something new for their time slot. They’ve got a good thing going and there’s definitely no reason to rock the boat.

But Moving On Up has always had broad seasonal story arcs, starting with her and Bellamy’s second courtship, and they’ll need a new one for the fifth season if they want to keep the trend going. And she and Bellamy have actually had a break from that this season, since Miller got together with one of the camera men back in season two, and he and Monty are now secure enough in their relationship to allow it to be dramatized. It was nice, taking the back seat for a little while, but it was a risk for the network too, and the ratings for the season have been down. Diyoza probably wants to bounce back from that with an affirmation that the show is still about Clarke and Bellamy.

Which is another reason Clarke is bristling against babies as a solution. Like Bellamy said, she’s not going to change her entire life because some assholes on twitter think her marrying a guy (and Bellamy marrying a woman) makes her straight, but there are people making good points in there too. Her life is less and less of a lie, as the show catches up with reality, but she could have had a female love interest or something. She could be doing more to be a visible bisexual woman on a network that skews very cishet.

On the other hand, she doesn’t owe anyone her life or her happiness. Just because she’s bisexual and in the public eye, she’s not required to be the perfect representation.

But making it about babies still feels like a lot.

“What about foster kids?” she asks Bellamy.

“Is it weird that I feel worse about those?”

“From a fame perspective?”

“Yeah. If we had a baby, a lot could change by the time the kid has grown up, like you said. But if we got a foster kid, I’d want someone older, and then we’d be having them sign onto–” He waves his hand. “All this.”

“Which they could do.”

“And then what?” Clarke cocks her head, confused, and he clarifies, “We’re not going to be on this show forever, right?”

They probably could be on the show forever, or on another one, if they got tired of this gimmick. But at the same time, their lives without the cameras are good too. Clarke couldn’t imagine keeping going with what she did in Should I Stay Or Should I Go after the show wrapped in part because what they did was so tied to the show itself. She could have kept on doing renovations–and she did–but the traveling around, the competition with Murphy, those things she’d lose.

And Bellamy, of course. If she and Bellamy hadn’t been together when the show wrapped, she would have let them recast Murphy, would have kept going just to stay with him. But now, she has a life. She and Bellamy are married and settled, with a shop that does well enough and jobs lined up all around the tri-state area. They’ve settled in as part of the community, the town’s best-known citizens, and they don’t need the show to keep that status. At some point, she’ll get tired of having cameras around. The logistics of cameras and reshoots and everything else will stop being worth it, and she’ll settle in to just being a person.

It could be soon.

“What if we just let them give us a kid?” she asks, the words coming out at the same time the idea is forming. “If we cast someone in the role of our foster kid. It doesn’t have to be real, it just has to be a good story. We spend a season talking about it, making up our minds, signing up for foster programs, and then we see one season of us as a family, and then–that can be it.”

“It?” he asks. “Done after five seasons?”

“I think maybe.” She taps her knee. “I don’t think–we’re never going to feel like we’re living our lives, as long as we’ve got the show. It’s always going to be about how it works on camera, what that means, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. That’s part of why I didn’t mind taking a bigger role, I think. For this show.”

“Really?”

He shrugs. “Not that I thought of it in those terms, but yeah. Even on Should I Stay Or Should I Go, I always knew the cameras were there, so taking on a bigger role wasn’t that different. It was fun. It’s still fun.”

“But it’s always a little fake.”

“Pretty much.”

“Whatever happens with kids, with family–I want that to be real.”

“Me too,” he says. “So–two more years, and we’re done? At least with this one.”

Clarke has to smile. “This one?”

“If we miss it, we could figure out something else. Something that isn’t about us. More business, less personal. Just if we want.”

“You’re going to miss being on TV.”

“I might,” he admits. “But I’m not sure. I want to find out.”

“So, two more seasons, one fake foster kid, and then we decide what we actually want to do with the rest of our lives.”

He smiles. “This, but with kids.”

“Something like that. I’ll ask Diyoza if casting a kid for us is actually a thing. If it’s not, we can just be–working on it, I guess. See how it goes.”

“It’ll be nice to not worry about that,” he admits. “Not having to think about whether or not we want something to be a part of the show.”

“Or feeling bad if we don’t put it in the show.”

“Or that.” He puts his arm around her and squeezes. “It’s still our life, Clarke. We don’t have to feel bad for wanting to keep some of it to ourselves, or all of it.”

“I know. But I’m looking forward to not having to pick and choose.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Can’t wait.”

*

The weird thing about getting older is that time starts to mean something different. Two years still sounds like a long time, but Clarke knows it’s going to fly by, especially once filming starts. The cameras eat up time in great gulps, and it’s not bad, but it means that a decision like “we’ll get a kid in one year and be done with the show in two” sounds like it won’t happen any time soon, but once the choice is made, everything goes very quickly.

They start filming a couple months after that conversation, and the first few renovations they do are all for families with small children. Bellamy’s a natural with kids, so he’s the one who does more interacting, asking them what they want for their rooms, how they want the yards remodeled. It makes something flip in Clarke’s chest every time she sees it, how natural he is, how much he clearly loves kids. Even if they hadn’t planned this, it would probably inspire her to start talking about next steps.

As it is, they’re about halfway through the season when she says, “Did we ever come to a conclusion about babies?”

“I thought we did. Did you not?”

“We agreed to do fake fostering and then figure it out. I think I figured it out: I want to have a baby.”

“Huh.”

“And probably foster too,” she adds. “We have plenty of room, and I know there are kids who need families, especially older ones, and I think we could be good at that. But we could do that and still have a baby.”

“We could, if you want. Do you want to start working on that soon?”

“Maybe once this season is over. Then if it works, we still don’t have to deal with having a newborn on the show.”

“And we have some time to get used to the idea.”

“You need time?”

“A little, yeah. Just to wrap my mind around it.”

“If you don’t want–”

He kisses her. “I want. I just thought you didn’t, so–I didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

“You could have just told me, too.”

“You’re the one who has to have a human grow inside you, your vote counts more.”

“Cool. My vote is that we talk to a doctor and start planning.”

“I like that plan.” He smirked. “It was me giving that girl a piggyback ride yesterday, right?”

“No,” she lies.

As usual, he sees right through her. “Of course it wasn’t. You were pretty cute not knowing how to hold the baby last week.”

“I can learn!”

“You can. It’ll be fun.”

“Fun,” she agrees, trying for dubious, but ruining it with an irrepressible smile. “Sure.”

*

There’s a part of Clarke that wants to cancel the foster-kid auditions once they’ve decided to actually start trying for a baby sooner or later, but a larger part of her is kind of morbidly curious. Diyoza’s looking for kids between nine and twelve, old enough to know what’s going on but young enough to still be cute, who are in the foster system for shorter stints with no real need of a forever home. It feels vaguely surreal, but probably fine, assuming everyone is on the same page and no one thinks they’re being taken advantage of.

So, of course, the first kid fixes them with a calculating stare and asks, “Are you getting a sponsorship or something for this?”

According to the profile Diyoza gave them, her name is Madison Templeton and she’s eleven years old. Her parents died when she was seven, so she’s been in the system for a while, living with various relatives. Her aunt is her current caretaker, but she’s been declared unfit and has to complete a course before regaining her rights. It’s a good position for the show, because the woman was able to grant the network rights to show her niece as a foster kid, but they won’t need to keep her for long.

It makes Clarke feel like she needs a shower.

“A sponsorship?” Bellamy asks.

“Or is it like a ratings stunt? You want to test drive adding a kid to the show before you commit.”

“This is the last season of the show,” says Clarke. “Ratings aren’t really a big deal anymore.”

“So you just want to get good PR before you go out?”

“We’re really thinking about fostering,” Clarke says. “Why not get started now?”

“But you’re just looking for kids you can’t actually keep. What’s up with that?”

“It seemed like the best solution when we were trying to figure stuff out,” Bellamy says. He cocks his head at her. “You don’t think so?”

“It seems kind of shitty. You give a kid a few months of the good life and then throw them away.”

“Don’t you just need a couple months?” Clarke asks. “And then you go back to your aunt?”

The girl considers for a moment, face twisting like she’s trying to find a way around it. “Yeah, but still.”

Bellamy is watching her with interest. “We don’t have to foster anyone. If you think it’s a bad idea.”

“If I do?”

“We wanted an older kid because we figured we could talk about what was happening with them and make sure everyone was on the same page. So, yeah, we want to know what you think. You’re the expert.”

Madison chews her lip, thinking it over. “I’ve been a lot of places,” she offers. “And every time I tell myself I’m not going to stay there, but I get my hopes up anyway. Like, even if my aunt takes the class and gets me back, I don’t think I’m going to be with her for that long. So you can tell some kid that this is just for a few months, but they’ll probably still be hoping you’ll keep them. You’re rich, right?”

“Pretty rich, yeah,” Clarke says. “The house isn’t that big, but we have plenty of money in savings. And more than enough room.” She wets her lips. “You don’t think your aunt is going to get custody back?”

“She will eventually, probably. But it’s not really a priority for her.”

“So what do you want?”

Madison looks surprised. “What do you mean?”

“You showed up,” says Bellamy, figuring out Clarke’s train of thought as easily as ever. “Did you just want to see what was going on? Or do you want a couple good months while your aunt gets her shit together?”

“I’d take the months if I could get them,” says Madison. “It sounds kind of interesting. Would I have to do anything?”

“Appear on camera occasionally, go along with reality TV stuff. Other than that, probably pretty standard foster-kid stuff. Go to school, do your homework, talk to us if you have problems.”

“If you pick me,” she says, careful. “You’ve got a bunch of kids to audition, right?”

“Talk to,” says Clarke, feeling uncomfortable. “They’re not auditions, just–getting a feel for people.”

She tries to convince herself it’s not a lie, but she and Bellamy make it through exactly one more interview before the guilt gnaws through her.

“We liked Madison, right?” she asks Bellamy.

“Yeah, we did.”

“And we’re going to pick her, right?”

He smiles. “We are?”

“Aren’t we?”

“Probably, yeah,” he admits. “You don’t want to keep going?”

“I feel like an asshole, making these kids line up for us.”

“Yeah, I feel that. It seemed normal, but I was picturing, like–actors. Not real foster kids.”

“Diyoza said it would be easy for people to figure out if it was just actors,” Clarke says, with a sigh. “But we know people don’t check, so I should have told her no.”

“But you didn’t, and you want to take Madison.”

“Like you don’t.”

He smiles with half his mouth. “It’s going to be a disaster.”

“You think?”

“We’re going to get attached and want to keep her.”

“But you still want to.”

“I still want to.”

He nods. “Me too. I’ll tell them we’re done with the meetings. We made up our minds.”

She still feels like a little bit of an asshole, but in the unavoidable way that comes from feeling like doing something is worse than doing nothing, because she can’t do everything. They could maybe take another foster kid, maybe even two, but they can’t take everyone who needs a place. And they might not even be a good place, after all. Starting with one kid and going from there is a better plan, and Madison will probably give them honest feedback about whether or not this is a good fit for them.

Despite everything, Clarke has a good feeling about this.

They go to pick her up the next day, find her outside the social services office with two duffel bags, apparently all the possessions she has. She watches as they drive up, eyes narrowed, loads up her stuff without comment. They drive most of the way back to the farm before she asks, “Why me?”

“We liked you,” says Clarke.

“That’s it?”

Bellamy shrugs. “It seemed like the best reason.”

She sits with the words for a long moment. “Yeah,” she finally says. “I guess so.”

*

They have a month to settle in before filming of the last season starts, and it’s definitely necessary. One of the nice things about Moving On Up, at least from Clarke’s perspective, is that the reality is always in the past tense. They went back and recreated the start of their relationship; Bellamy proposed off-screen months before the second season, which followed his attempts to come up with a sufficiently romantic gesture. The two of them were married a week before the big ceremony that happened on TV. If they’d had to deal with meeting Madison–who prefers Madi–and getting used to her in real time, on camera, it would have been incredibly stressful.

Not that getting to know her without cameras isn’t a lot. She’s a good kid and Clarke likes her, but she’s prickly, distrustful, and it takes time for them to get used to each other. She refuses to unpack her stuff because she could be gone any day, and Clarke wants to tell her she’s not going anywhere, even though she knows as well as Madi does that it’s true. Her aunt is still her guardian, and she’s a temporary part of the family.

By the time the cameras show up, they’re not perfect, but they’re at least mostly settled. Madi likes the dog and the farm, is coming to like Clarke and Bellamy despite her better instincts.

Bellamy’s the one who suggests they sit her down the day before filming starts to check in, but Clarke agrees it’s the best choice. At this point, they pretty much understand her, and it’s worth addressing their concerns now, before the cameras are around making everyone self-conscious.

“How are you feeling about filming?” Bellamy asks, to start them off.

Madi shrugs. “Fine. I don’t have to do much, right? Just be around?”

“Yeah. We’ll probably see you once or twice an episode, and the producers want you hanging around the store, but we’ll be doing most of the talking.”

“Saying how great it is?”

Her voice has an edge to it, and Clarke and Bellamy exchange a look before Clarke picks up the conversation. “It’s not bad, right?”

“No.”

“We’re not going to kick you out when the season ends. You have a place here for as long as you need one.”

She jerks up, eyes flashing. “What if my aunt never wants me back? What if she doesn’t care enough to get custody back?”

“Then you can stay,” says Bellamy. His voice is calm. “And if she does take you back, we’re not going anywhere. If you need us, we’ll be here for you.”

As is her way, Madi takes her time considering it. “You really mean that, don’t you,” she finally says, less a question than a revelation.

“We haven’t done the best job with this whole thing,” he admits, slow. “TV really does destroy your brain. We don’t know how to be people anymore, we’re paranoid and careful, even with–you’re a kid. Don’t argue,” he adds, smiling a little. “We’re older than you, we still get to call you a kid. You’re old enough to understand what’s going on, but that’s not enough.”

“It’s not?”

“We were never just planning to throw you away. If you need someone–you’ll always be family, Madi. Even if you don’t live with us for very long, that doesn’t change anything.”

“What if I never want to leave?” she asks, voice so soft Clarke can barely hear it.

“You’d have to talk to your aunt.” She puts her arm around Madi’s shoulders. “We can’t just take you, it’s still–she’d have to give you up.”

“She would,” Madi says. “She doesn’t want me.”

“We can talk to her,” Bellamy says. “If you want. It might take time, though.”

“Just like that?” Madi asks.

“If you want,” he says again.

“But you didn’t want to keep anyone.”

“You’re not anyone,” Clarke says, smiling. “You’re Madi. We want to keep you.”

*

The last episode of the show is Bellamy adding an extension to their own house, the first renovations they’ve ever done for themselves.

“You know we already have enough bedrooms, right?” Madi asks Bellamy. She took to reality TV like a fish to water, but Clarke doesn’t think she’ll miss it. She’ll find something else to be good at.

“It’s symbolic.”

“What does is symbolize?”

He glances up at Clarke, and she smiles. The pregnancy is small and new, enough that it hasn’t been confirmed in the show. They just had a conversation about wanting to try, leaving their fictional lives on a more uncertain note. The truth can just be theirs.

“Our family getting bigger. You don’t want more room?”

“I like room outside.”

“There’s still plenty of that. It’s not going anywhere.”

“And this way you’ll be farther away from any babies we have,” Clarke adds. “They won’t wake you up.”

“They still could. Babies are loud.”

“It’s good TV, that’s it,” Bellamy says. “Happy now?”

“Kind of. I figured we were good TV already.”

“People have spent a lot of time with us,” Clarke says. “They want closure. To feel like we’re happy and doing well. They want to know that we’re going to be okay.”

“And we are, right?” Madi asks, sounding only a little insecure. She mostly believes, these days. That they’ll be keeping her.

Clarke gives her a hug around the shoulders, her favorite kind of low-pressure affection. “Yeah. We’re going to be great.”