#why did i do this to myself? idk felt like crying ig

[tisajest]

ah nothing like reading the epilogue for choices by messermoon to make yourself cry

“Just this once,” his voice breaks, “I wanted to be the one to catch you.”

[the-roo-too]

She fell first but she fell harder kind of trope

with any of the unnie line of nmixx😌👍

break my heart myself -> bandmate! seol yoona

-people cope with things in many different ways

warnings: they make out ig

genre: angst (poor attempt at)

notes: i think i should give up writing angst idk what this is

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you could feel sullyoon’s chest rise up and down shakily as you laid on top of her. although you two only made out, her breathing was uneven, just as was yours. you aimlessly drew soft patterns on her collarbone as she gently ran her hands up and down your back in a comforting manner. the silence around you brought a peaceful feeling to your heart, though you were about to break it.

“you miss her, don’t you, unnie?”

she hummed before your words registered in her brain. you felt the hand on your back stop it’s movements. “what do you mean, y/nnie?”

“yunjin. i think… i think you really do miss her, unnie.”

sullyoon froze before lifting your chin gently to meet her eyes. “why are you saying that?”

“because you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t… because you wouldn’t be here with me, if you didn’t.”

“…i thought you said-“

“i know, unnie. i’m… please, forget i said anything.” you nuzzled more into her chest, ignoring the way she looked at you, waiting for explanation.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

for context, sullyoon’s been a mess since yunjin left. they low key kept in touch but trying to talk about what they had, what happened between them… it was too awkward.

all of the members could see jinni leaving nmixx took a toll on sullyoon. especially you. but that she couldn’t see.

haewon offered her to take some time off, but they both knew she couldn’t. her laying off after another member left the group would just raise suspicion, be it rumours of them being together or yunjin leaving because of sullyoon.

so instead of a break, she found easier ways to forget. she asked you, the member that always liked to be nearby although they weren’t that close.

you knew she was using you but everyone copes with loss differently, right?

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you didn’t know why or when, but sullyoon somehow managed to have you head over heels for her, without even trying. without even knowing.

your group was fairly big, 8 members until december. it was understandable, not being particularly close with every single person in the group. sullyoon wasn’t close with you, you didn’t talk all that much with yunjin etc.

when the news broke out, at first you were just sad. yunjin was nice, the two of you talked sometimes, but that was it. you were barely friends.

your heart hurt when yunjin said goodbye. all of your members were crying, promising to keep in touch. it pained you more when you looked at haewon, your leader. she held her composure but deep down, she thought she failed as a leader.

only when you walked up to haewon to comfort her, your heart really broke. you saw the way sullyoon looked at yunjin, how she cried after her. you also saw the way yunjin looked at sullyoon and lily.

that night for the first time, sullyoon knocked at your door. when you opened, half asleep, she did not waste a second, her lips landing on yours blindly.

“we can forget together, okay?”

you thought she knew but… she never tried to see you like you saw her.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

“please, forget i said anything.”

she tried but your words kept repeating themselves in the back of her mind like a broken record.

even when the morning arrived and she slipped back into her own bedroom, she couldn’t let go of your conversation. having nothing better to do at 5 before practice, she walked to the dorm kitchen to make some tea.

as she was pouring the boiling water into the cup, she heard quiet footsteps behind her. she flinched, but fortunately didn’t burn herself nor the other person.

sullyoon turned her head to see lily and pouted. “you scared me, unnie!”

“…you’re hurting her, yoona.”

she hesitantly placed her cup of tea down on the counter, turning to face the older girl.

“what are you talking about, lily?”

“y/n.”

a small scoff fell from her lips. “are you jealous, unnie? we aren’t doing anything wrong.”

lily held her gaze coldly, which was very unusual for the oldest member. “i care for all of my members, yoona. i don’t care if you think this isn’t wrong of you, but you need to stop hurting her.”

“how exactly am i hurting her, unnie?” sullyoon felt weird, having lily speak to her in such a harsh tone. it was so out of character for the oldest.

“…are you blind, yoona? she loves you. stop playing with the poor girl’s heart. you’re a close friend of mine, but i won’t let you cause harm on my other friends.”

lily left the room before she could react. only one thought kept repeating in her head.

she loves me?

all of a sudden, sullyoon felt guilty. a weird heaviness pressed on her chest, making it hard to breathe. and on that morning, at 5 am, sullyoon didn’t know how to cope anymore.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you wondered if you pushed her away with you words that night. after your talk, sullyoon stopped visiting you at night. your heart ached for her, because while you didn’t have to fill yunjin’s place in her heart anymore, you felt like you didn’t hold a place there no longer.

when sullyoon stopped visiting, lily suddenly started showing you more affection that usual. it was good for you, it took your mind of your little love life problems.

then, practice became a bit harder, hence a comeback was nearby. you suddenly didn’t have time to think about all the things bothering you.

sullyoon on the contrary couldn’t sleep well since her talk with lily.

she told herself it was the reason she came to you that night.

you thought she missed yunjin again.

lily sighed deeply when through the gap in her doors, she saw you let yoona inside your dorm again.

she couldn’t do much, but hope the younger one didn’t do you more harm.

sullyoon didn’t know what to do at first, when you invited her in. why was it so hard suddenly, when being with you was always so easy?

her eyes met your soft ones, that held a familiar warmth.

”she loves you.” lily’s words echoed in her mind.

you looked at her the same way she looked at yunjin.

she remembered all those times with the ex member. she couldn’t look at jinni like that anymore.

a mirror stood on your nightstand. she looked into her own eyes, averting her gaze from yours. her eyes held… that warmth…

you blinked, and her lips met yours. it was so gentle, softer than ever. she slowly moved away, speaking the words in a whisper.

“i don’t miss her, y/n. i missed you.”

you looked into her eyes, searching for the truth. never before did her gaze feel so warm.

“why, unnie?”

“you love me.” so she knew. you nodded, as she only spoke truth.

“i have loved you for as long as i can remember.”

she pulled you close again, another kiss being shared between the two of you.

“please, let me love you back.”

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[weirdcat1213]

AJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJ HAPPY DAYS AJJAJAJAJA :D YEY TRIGUN BOOKCLUB :D

THOUGHTS :D

chap 1:

-happy days and everything is going to shit...yeap thats trigun

-i just noticed they have separated rooms and that makes me sad for some reason

-i love to see that rem was nice to everyone but was also getting annoyed by that guy, shes not perfect and I LOVE HER

-ngl, im not sure if the other guys did something

-its so cool to see the scientists joking around for a bit but then getting to see them in silence cuz IT IS a weird situation to be in. you are alone in space and something happened "on its own"..... It makes the situation more serious

-LMAO HER FACE I LOVE HER SM

-it hasnt even been that expanded in 98 (im sorry for the spoiler ig) or stampede (YET), but rem is so funny. shes more than a living saint and im glad we get to see more of her here. shes the only mom ever

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT

-also i thought knives *fixed* the thing, i forgot he caused it lmao

-arent they adorable? :3 pls dont touch them :3

-"it could end in disaster" you dont say....you dont say....

-NOT THEM SAYING YES IMMEDIATELY I WILL CRY

-BABY KNIVES WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU (ik what happened to him)

-"if you can love someone with all your heart then its alright".........im gonna take so time to think about that cuz....yeah, i guess thats true isnt it?

-oh that doesnt age wel...not even story wise but life wise....if we could only talk with each other

-ok so...is that a fucking ghost? and if it is, did she really appear when knives's faith in humanity was at its peak? really :c?

-OH ITS MY TIME TO GET SICK :D

-OK NO THATS SO INTERESTING CUZ HERE IS VASH WHO IS CURIOUS ABOUT TESLA AND WANTS TO READ THE REPORT BUT IN STAMPEDE (spoilers coming im sorry) IS KNIVES WHO WANTS TO READ IT. DID HE LOSE THIS FAITH *WAY EARLIER* THAN TRIMAX KNIVES??? HOW TF IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?????

-great....scientific....discovery.....you say......... so the scientists were ready for another tesla situation....

-pls no pls no pls no. you teach her how to speak and then you do that shit. stop

-by looking at the pictures and descriptions we can say that the scans began on her 13th day of life (multiple scans as the chapter mentions), and 87 DAYS LATER they started to ask themselves if that was correct to do from a moral standpoint...87 days. and just after they started to question themselves she started dying. just 10 days later...fuck

-"we have no desire to rest" WHAT ABOUT YOUR "SUBJECT" THO ASSHOLES

-its never not gonna make me sick how they killed a child in 100 days. thats all it took.

-ajjjj :c im fucking sick

chap 2:

-same vash same

-ily rem but no, thats too fucked up to forgive

-knives, my poor baby :c

-"i wish i could cut myself from everything too" oh mood, i mean what

-ok but rem trying to pick vash up and he refusing has to be so fucking heartbreaking for rem cuz thats her fucking child no matter what

-imagine your child who loved you so much rejecting you like that. i would literally shatter

-"you can continue the experiments with us" vash stfu i swear. catch me actually crying over that line btw im not ok

-INTERESTING how rem says she felt powerless (and i get why) but during the whole thing the crew had so much power over her life

-it fucks me up this is a one year old trying to die of starvation. yeah he looks older and etc etc but hes still less than 2 years old. life is pain. why nightow.

-also idk if im interpreting the panel right but i think he *was* going to eat but saw rem in his room so he stopped

-or are those different days? idk

-alright, today you are eating you sick son of a bitch :]

-NO STOP THAT YOU FUCKING CHILD

-the panel being blurry on purpose, 10/10

-hes sitting the same way rem did- oh im ending it all

-i feel kinda weird saying this but i just fucking love that story: the metaphor, how she tells it. it really feels like a parent trying to teach a kid something. its sad but feels comfy. i could literally read/listen to her telling that story of the train in her dreams over and over

-[pause for crying]

-its "separated ways" cuz that talk with rem lowkey divided rem i think. knives would be way different if he had heard what rem said. damn it why did he had to faint

chap 3

-"king of loneliness" pls i want to stop crying

-i know he didnt block the memory, i feel it

-yey creepy knives is here....yeyyy....

-amazing transition btw, gives me the yibbies every time

-HES RIGHT THO MF, YOU ARE AFRAID

-why he looks so cool while being creepy stop it knives stop it

-idk if im understanding it right, but i think knives did the thing he did in the first chapter but for all ships. it comes full circle

-god i hate when hes right

-im sad to say he looks beautiful and epic. also for the life of me i could not say if that plant agreed with him or not

-yknow what i think she didnt agree to that

-age of chaos wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :D

[i took a one day break cuz the volume made me too sad BUT IM BACK BABY]

chap 4

-yeah ig my baby has been to so many funerals if you think about it

-YEAH TO THE RESCUEEEEE

-wolfwood: you dont wanna mess with this guy he will break you

the guy in question: :c

-aw his cute little and stupid face :3

-i love to see vash having a good time :') god he needed that

-oh man we're getting sad again

-also yes they take those people who did whatever they did but the bartender is also taking vash in, even the demons get to drink there huh, nice

-why tf is this guy so wise, why is he saying what vash (kinda) needs to hear? amazing, im devastated

-wait so the feathers or whatever hurt??? because of the face he made. SO DOES IT HURT???? NO :C

-knives can you not-

-ITS HIM IN ALL OF HIS FUCKED UP GLORY :D

-SHUT UP VASH, GEESUS

-the final panel its so cute and then there's the fucking speech bubble that says "dumbass" its true tho xd

chap 5

-NOT THE FUCKING FEATHER i dont want to go there

-he looks so tired :c

-oh shit i forgot about that panel of his face wth

-OH SHIT WOLFWOOD NO

-OH THATS CREEPY AS HELL YO WHAT

-"the last thing i want to do is be a burden to him" STFU WOLFWOOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-SHES HERE OH SHIT OH SHIT

-"youre the one who needs to be careful" I WILL CHEW GLASS

-FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

-OH GOD OH NO ITS HIM GET OUTTTT

-elendira ily sm

-thank you wolfwood for saying trans rights lmao

-HES ASLEEP. KILL HIM VASH KILL HIM

-oh no his glasses :c

-ah fuck hes awake noooooooooooo

chap 6

-LEGATO IN THE METAL HANDBAG :D WHAT WILL HE DO

-dont you bring tesla into this >:[

-idk whats happening but KILL HIM

-*sigh* i hate when knives is right

-DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT AFTER STAMPEDE MF :C "if they come for us lets just run as fast as we can" YOU ARE MAKING IT SO HARD TO READ THIS MAN

-also yey he regained his eye :3

-:cccccccccccccccccccccc im so happy that talk was in stampede

-also yeah vash hates knives with a burning passion but EVEN THEN he still was willing to give him a chance and live together with him, i cant do this anymore really

-im picturing legato kind of jumping in his metal handbag to move around as if he was in a sleeping bag cuz i think thats way funnier lmao

-:cccccccccc vash pls

-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :c his armmmm

-oh geesus oh god no OH HELL NO

-ohhhhh i see. look at legato being useful lmao /J

-THE ARK IS HERE WOOP WOOP

well that was certainly a volume

[8000000cherries]

i think i just dont feel safe or secure w either of the guys im talking to and its my fault i think. guy 1 it's mostly because it's long distance so i see him like once or twice every couple of months but weve talked since july but we dont even text that often anymore but we call like twice a week or smthn like that and i like talking to him it's just not enough and i feel like something is lacking or like it's not indepth enough even tho i know i hold myself back a lot but i just dont feel comfortable expressing affection to him even tho it's what i want ig thats the only thing i miss abt my ex is we would say i love u to each other pretty often and i didnt feel awkward saying it but yeah.. i dont think im inlove w him tho but idk i just like him a lot and i think he knows it we would say it more in the summer but i wish i could say it more but i feel like i cant until he says it first i guess. but also i knew it wasnt going anywhere cuz he lives across the country and i only see him when he comes home to visit his family so any time hes back hes gonna prioritize seeing his family and friends which is understandable i cant expect a committed relationship from him but i just like him a lot and we get along well and he makes me laugh so hard but i think i built him up in my head for soo long. guy 2 i think is leading me onnnn but ive had a crush on him for like 2 years and we were friends before and i told him i liked him but dont trust him and it made him cry but he said he cares alot about me but never said he likes me back so it makes me insecure lol lmao. it feels like we're dating but also he isnt super affectionate or anything when we're in public and i think thats fine but i think if i were to be in a relationship w someone i would like some small forms of affection but also i think im self sabotaging and wont let myself be forward w him or tell him what i want whcih is my fault i think . but also why do i have to be the one that brings up the convo.. like about exclusivity and intentions and what not.sooo dumb. i guess i thought it would be like a fwb situation and i didnt wanna get my hopes up but i did so its dumb of me. he definitely is talking to other ppl i dont blame him we arent exclusive. dont even really know what we are. i want a relationship but i just dont know hes the right person for me i have that feeling in my gut but my brain tells me nothing is wrong and its fine and i still wanna talk to him and miss him. just have a feeling he doesnt really want me and he'll fuck me over. i wish things werent so complicated and i wanna communicate better and wish i knew how i felt really and how to not be scared of everything. i dont think im ready to love but i so want it and probably from the wrong people.

[aajjks]

no one listen to alina. vote jorja & y/n cus i’m sure the anon might follow the poll like last time (no offense anon 😭)

but here’s my intake on this:

i myself genuinely think they’re better apart than together. when they’re together it’s cute ngl. i was rooting for them but then that happened. i def got a bone to pick with y/n bcs WHY DF DID YOU NOT STAND UP FOR YOUR MAN?!!! i would’ve fucked yerin up 👊🏾 and as for JK why the hell would you punch an innocent man on the clock 😭 could’ve just snatch y/n up and fuss her out that way. idk how they would’ve talked about it beforehand if the party was a SURPRISE but you could’ve done that ig? both were wrong and i really felt bad for JK specifically like that really hurt my feelings when he left crying. matter of fact, make JK fall in love with me. i’ll treat him right 😂😂😂 (don’t tell TC!JK y’all. don’t want him to catch me cheating)

Honestly, I agree with you 100% but here’s my take on this situation.

See now tpol jk is someone who loves really hard but when you break his heart, he expects an apology and whenever he broke her heart or hurt her feelings, he worked really hard to make up for it and she made him work hard for it [and rightfully so] but he’s just a type of man to expect the same effort back.

He regrets getting chae pregnant. We all know that even if he was under the influence, he still feels guilty about it. And yn had a really big heart, and she accepted him and his son like her own.

I think that yn is very familiar with his possessiveness and his insecurity when it comes to seeing her with other men and it made me kind of upset that she didn’t defend him in front of yerin who keeps on insulting him by the way, and is always talking shit about their relationship, and she really has no right to do that, so he got hurt by that as well because he’s always protecting yn, even from his father, he literally killed his father because he hurt yn, he broke up with chae because he still had feelings for yn and she hurt her.

Honestly, I think that jk was 30% wrong because he punched an innocent stripper, but yn was 70% wrong for not defending him, and… she should’ve.. I think rejected the strippers advances because he did the same thing, and he expects the same from her.

And if he did as you just suggest that he would’ve just snatched her away and confronted her about it. I think that would’ve been a mistake because all of you would think that he’s very toxic and very rough with her and I didn’t want him to do that to her but I wanted him to confront that guy instead

And another thing I would like to point out because most of you guys are missing that point, is that yerin shouldn’t have posted that video on her story, she deliberately posted it knowing that it would bother yns fiancé a lot, and she knows him very very well. It’s like she wanted him to react that way to kind of prove that he’s not the right man for her best friend to yn and jorja.

She knew how he would react, but she still posted that video, knowing that he would see it 100% and how can you not expect him to react the way he did? And the way yerin called yn Jaemins maid? Like that was a low blow from her and honestly jungkook gave yn the biggest gift a woman could ever have and that is being a mother of someone or being called a mother. We all know he would never use yn for his own baby.

Yerin knew the consequences and I think yn was set up. Plus I think that his reaction was hundred percent correct, why does yerin interfere so much in the relationship like I don’t get her. He hates it when someone interferes in his relationship.

Yn was wrong in two things, and that was that she didn’t defend him and.. she just let him walk away like that. I think he deserves an apology from her and that he deserves to be with her because he’s done so much to have her, and they both belong together in my opinion.

The thing about yn is that she always walks away from him, or lets him walk away from her and never does anything, but.. she just gives up on him :/

Both are very toxic to each other. Even though jk takes more points for being toxic but you get it don’t you?

The real villain here is yerin.

[syfynjvall]

ok. Okok. i think i’ve got my jumbled up thoughts altogether so! here they are under the cut (and it won’t be spoiler free so heads up!)

N’s route: man… i think when i played i was on a “i havent seen these characters in years” goggles high, ie graduation goggles if you will, but now that im thinking on it, it wasn’t super erm. cohesive. like when you can choose to say ily early on but then if you dont and N says it later, theres no option to reciprocate? odd. also there is no conflict resolution for the argument, it’s just kinda brushed aside.

what i did like was that if you play with an equally romantic partner as n, they do have a bunch of nice little moments. i’ve seen ppl say they come off clingy but like. i didnt see it that way. to me it comes across as more just that they’re SO passionate and so focused about protecting everyone (as shown in the backstory) but i can see why it’s off putting to others

F route: very cute little moments w the detective, absolute dream of a partner if you ask me. them talking about their mom? ruined me a bit why lie. also the “you’re the most delicious thing i’ve tasted” oof. my pulse was weak lads

i didnt like that there wasnt an ily choice for them?? doesnt make sense to me??? out of all the routes i feel like their would have been the most natural place to have an ily, but i digress. anyway. F love and supremacy always

A route: mixed feelings for sure.. i did feel like some of it was a bit ooc or like, i was just getting mixed signals. they’d say one thing and then contradict it a paragraph later and i was like. huh. ok.

overall tho… i will be so real with you guys it was kind of delicious. dare i say it was maybe my favorite. ik some ppl thought it moved too fast and i can see that! but for me it’s really not /that/ fast. think about if you read a book series that’s 2 or 3 books and it’s a slowburn. usually the couple will admit their feelings by the end of the second book or smth. and it’s not like A actually expressed their feelings and then jumped into a relationship yk?? personally i found the “one kiss and i cant have you anymore, this is done, i can’t let myself feel this” absolutely scrumptious. the slowburn is still in action even tho they kissed to me! but ig why some ppl didnt love it. bonus; them crying outside the detectives door didn’t feel ooc to me either. they bottked up feelings for 900 years and then watched the person they love almost die like. three times. and then consequently shoved them away again so there’s no way they’d be able to keep all of THAT inside. walls r bound to break eventually. anyway i did think this route was inconsistent at times but generally. i had a blast w all that pain and suffering

M’s route: i still dont really know how i feel about this one tbh. i did like a lot of it: the bakery scene, the lil not date, the scene in the shower especially. to me that felt very natural, just like. intimate and personal without being too fast or whatever. big fan. might think about that for the rest of my life. also if you’re on verda’s route with m the dinner party scene was equal parts awkward and funny so that was fun. AND as meh and underwhelming as the auction was, them saying they were willing to give more for the detective than they ever thought… mwah. there were moments where M felt ooc but i think i liked half of it. probably 😭

overall like i said before.. plot wise it isnt very cohesive and it’s not very exciting, it felt more romance focused than plot focused which ig makes sense but? idk. i like the thrill

if you’ve stuck thru this whole essay you’re a saint. and drop more of your thoughts into my inbox bc im curious to know what yall are thinking!

[frozencheese]

It took me 7 years to find out why am I drawn towards melancholy!

Yes I got a hint around mid 2016 that i kinda like grief. I eventually forgot about it but around 2018 it was hence proved.

I thought maybe something is wrong with me. Like why would I like mourning or you know sadness? But i did like tho.

That's why I never searched about it, thinking I wouldn't get any answers or if I ask people will call me stupid!

During the lockdown, hearing all the news got me scared but it was kinda like peaceful? Idk tbh. But it was damn dangerous. I was scared of myself, my thoughts but I loved them at the same time?

I took a test, a yr ago or so, what you are made up of or smth like that, my results was- Melancholy! I found the explanation relatable & tbh i was happy that that thing, that word came for the result?! I took the screenshot of it.

Last month while going through my gallery, i found that ss and read it, again finding some kind of relief like yeah that's me! But then i tried stopping my thoughts, like no I don't wanna go back in that phase again! BUT I WANT TO! WHY? i was so confused ・⁠～⁠・

Recently I finally found the courage and wrote down all my feeling & thoughts & weird strange words which i feel like are mine! Or like I'm those! Like that's so me!

The words are : Melancholy, grief, death, gloomy, dark, heavy rain, thunder, black clouds, sadness, cry, pain, mourning, dense forest, white lotus.

There were many art forms which captured me as a whole but they were not bright or happy ones- i kinda find those boring no offense, I liked Vincent Van Gogh's work but after finding out the state he was in while he created those masterpieces, I loved them! Related to it like never before! No, I'm not crazy. Sorry not sorry but even i don't know why I'm like this cue the given screenshots!

And it's not like I'm all those words, no I'm much more than that and I love seeing people happy and think good for them too! This is just a part of me, my personality, which i hv never talked about before to anyone, as maybe i myself was ashamed of myself but ig it comes with being a highly sensitive emphatic introverted person:)

I don't remember what my personality type is but these above ss are of INFP & INFJ personality. But they have also mentioned that not all FP's & FJ's experience this, and many others do who are not FP's & FJ's.

P.s. I came to know a word like melancholy even exists in 2017 doing Merchent of Venice. So, thanks Shakespeare;)

[internetreadingpanda]

July 30, 2022

dear moon,

I don’t have words to describe what’s been going on in my life lately. In just 15 days a lot has changed. I feel like I have grown up a lot and also, I am turning 18 this august. This dark, dark realization of growing old. I have started smoking regularly and at times I even dislike it but it gives me peace. It makes me feel like the world has stopped and it is just me and this cigarette against all the chaos; voices in my head stop when I smoke and when the buzz fades it is all same again. That is why I hate it too but now I can’t help it too. I also drank vodka last week and after two pegs I was on the verge to cry. I do not know the reason, maybe it was because the demon had stopped speaking and it was just my heavy heart beating rhythmically. I did not cry because I was sad but because I was at peace and did not feel anything.

For the last few months, I had been talking to so many girls on ig. They seem to like me a lil but when I asked them out, they said, “ Yes, we can meet, but let’s not call it a date; there was no certainty. But then there is this girl, oh jeez, she is literally a goddess and has no flaws. I have been following her for a year. When I first followed her, since then I wanted to meet her. I used to take screenshots of her snaps, I would stalk her account to see her OOTDs and I had never imagined that I would get to go on a date with her. Can you believe how HUGE this is for me, like a dream come true? In moments like these, I like to think, that the universe is with me and it does want me to win. However, the next moment, it shatters my whole idea of winning. The next day after the date, my father messaged me, “I am not coming home ever and I am switching my phone off”. When I got this message I was working at paudha and I didn’t seem to care but when my mom called and enquired about him I kind of felt something is wrong. 

Let’s name this girl Helen because she actually is a goddess, Goddess of things I can never possess. Also, first, let me tell you something about her. She is from Bihar, resides in Delhi NCR, and both of her parents are working, she comes from a well-to-do family and has a 15-year-old brother. She dances and sings (not just a hobby), is brilliant at studies, goes to the gym, gotten offer letters from many respected universities, and will move to the US for post-grad. She has been to many countries and experienced all the adventures. She’s literally a 10. 

I have been talking to her for like a month and nobody has made me feel like she does. She genuinely seems to care about my day-to-day life and she gives back the same energy. She tells me every detail of her day and how badly she wanted to talk to me. We flirt, crack jokes, and tell each other stuff about families and ourselves. Although, I have not told her so much about myself yet. One day when I was at Ashu’s place (the day I got drunk for the first time) I called her and as usual, she told me about her day and how she’s close to her brother, he checked my IG profile then he went on like he writes such dark poetries meanwhile I was just listening to her. For a moment we ran out of topics so she asked me about my family and I got all blank, I did not know what to say. I told her I get uncomfortable whenever it comes to my family because of some traumatic past; then she was like yeah but yk sometimes I feel Idk who am I talking to and then we went on talking about something else.

The next day, I gave thought to what she said yesterday so I decided to tell her a lil about my family and I texted her about how my brother tried to kill my father and the result that my father tried to kill himself. Her reaction to this was all sorry and she asked when did that happen and she also said even if we date or do not I want you to know that I am always here for you. I felt as if some burden has gotten out of my shoulders because she did not judge me for this. These days, the best part of my day is talking to her, I start smiling when I see her text. I feel I can show her my scars and she’s gonna let me pretend I have none. She sometimes says things like “please don’t break my heart”, “promise me you won’t gonna fuck me up” to which I reply “I am no harm to you and you have the all supreme power to do anything to me. You are the actual main character and we are living in your world.” She finds me sweet and I think of her as a goddess. 

On Monday, when I was heading off for my evening practice her message came.

“Are you free tomorrow?” 

I replied, “I have cricket practice.”

then she said when do you get free?

I told her my practice schedule and she was like I only have time on Tuesday. She wanted to say please make it on Tuesday or else idk when we will meet but she did not say that directly as she did not want to sound selfish because I’ll have to miss my practice because of her. I understood the significance of the situation and I told her to meet tomorrow and that it is not a big deal if I miss practice.  

From then on, everything started to seem delightful. I was so cheerful that I cannot describe that feeling in words. At practice, I was smiling most of the time. Later Susu asked me what happened and I told him about the date. I love how these people get happy over my happiness. They have nothing to gain from this, despite that they are celebrating. No matter what goes wrong in my life, there’s only one thing I will always be grateful for and that is my friends. 

So, tomorrow came, and my morning started with going to work at paudha. Paudha had taken us to an apartment in Vasant Vihar. Vasant Vihar is a very posh locality where all the rich kids live and of course, I dream to buy a house there. Paudha took us there for some gardening work as the owner of that apartment wanted to grow some vegetables over her terrace. She also wanted some new plants and her terrace to be cleaned. Paudha gave us this job and we (Nikhil and I) got Rs. 500 each. I hated working there because you have to do all that cleaning and stuff around the street as well and people would look at you, I feel so small around them and at the same time I’d think Helen is also looking at me after all, she comes from such locality as well. However, I was enjoying it that day despite I knew I will be late for my date but I cheered because I knew as this gets over I will see a glimpse of heaven; I will see her and that is the best of all things. 

So the work at Vasant Vihar was done early n the morning and we were at Paudha then her message came and the first thing that crossed my mind was, please don’t make her cancel the date god, please! The message said: I’M GOING TO FUCK SOMETHING UP. A screenshot was attached and it has a message from her dad on the family group saying “you are not going out today kashu and no behas on this”.  My beautiful morning had turned into mourning, at that point, I was convinced I am not going to see her and as I did not want to have any more expectations I simply created a scenario where there was no possibility of meeting her and me. Another message arrived after a few moments: NO, I’M COMING. Then she called and I freaked out because I was working and I had not told her that I work somewhere but Nikhil helped me out, I went inside the godown (it is not actually a godown just some space where paudha keeps different kinds of pots). Over the call, she asked me if I can come to Noida as her parents are not letting her go. I was of course convinced. I would have agreed over anything because it is I who has dropped his practice, who has borrowed money from a friend, which shows how badly I want t see her. She also sounded sorry because everything was planned and Noida does not have anything as compatible with our date place in Delhi. Even Nikhil was so pissed; he was like this is not done, how can she change everything at the last moment. He wanted it to happen more than myself. 

Later, IDK how she convinced her parents or what she did but we were back to our plan A which is an art gallery (there was no plan B though she just made that ATM). I was still at Paudha when she briefed me. I checked the time and I had only an hour and a half to go home and get ready. Thanks to Nikhil, he asked me to leave immediately saying he will take of everything here you just focus on your date. So I ran toward my home, took a bath, and ate whatever there was without complaining. I looked at my watch and BOOM an hour passed. Now I only had 30 mins and yet I had to get flowers, chocolates, and some rings for myself. I was so late that I called Ashu and told him to be there at PVR and buy all this stuff for me so I could just take them from him and leave. Unfortunately. Ashu had no idea of what kind of flowers one should get for a date. I was literally running in the metro and as I reached PVR, I saw him and hugged him tightly. I asked if I am smelling bad cuz I was running all the way and I’d gotten a bit sweaty. He said, “Yeah, you stink a bit just a Lil bit”. I got really upset and it was him who cheered me up otherwise I would have killed myself. We bought flowers, I don’t remember the name, but they looked really pretty and fancy. I was also carrying a pack of ultra-mild cigarettes because I decided to flaunt my Dil Bechara personality to her.  

On her side, she had reached and texted me but I could not reply because I was running then she called and I told her I will be there in the max of 20 mins. She did not sound pissed or anything but nobody likes waiting so I ran faster. The BSF guard at the metro security check asked me if I’m going to give these flowers to somebody or if I have gotten these from someone. I told him these are for someone and he smiled at me. On the platform, a girl was making a video of me while I was waiting for my train carrying flowers in my hand along with chocolates and a book. So many amazing things were happening around me and I literally felt like the main character. You see, these are the consequences when a goddess starts liking you; when a goddess demands your presence the whole world pushes you toward her. Even in the metro, everybody kept looking at me and I was blushing beneath my mask. I reached the metro station where she had been waiting for me. She was at the food court, standing near a pillar. A saw her from a distance because of her hair, they are short and colored. As her eyes met mine, in that instant, everything got all blurred. Even now that I visit that place again I try so hard to recall near which pillar she stood but I just cannot; that is the thing about happiness right, you have no scars to remember it or to show someone. I laugh at this inability of mine where I try my best to replay each and every scene but all I see is just a glimpse of us. 

She had worn a dark brown jumpsuit and very cute flip-flops. Her outfit was subtle and those flip-flops made it vibrant to some extent. One would look at her with full admiration from head to toe but definitely hold their gaze over her feet. Her feet were immaculately beautiful. 

I went up to her and straight away she cheered up and threw her arms around me. As we hugged the first thing she asked was, “Why are you so sweaty?” She did not ask that in some bad way she was just curious.

“I got late because I brought you flowers”, I said that giving her the flowers. She accepted them with both of her hands then she literally blushed saying, “There was no need for this”. I did not say anything to that and gave her the chocolates and then the book. She got speechless for a moment and then said “C’mon Yushie, you did not have to do all this”.

“I actually got late because I was getting all this stuff for you, so I first went to Saket along with Ashu then I got back in the metro and came back here” I explained that is how I got all sweaty. 

She was really happy because of the flowers and I asked her “Is it that big of a deal?”

“Is it not? Nobody has ever brought me flowers” She said that with a straight face and I was like damn bro! Bringing her flowers was the best idea, hence,

 YOU: 1     other dude: 0

But I actually never brought flowers to impress her in the first place. I just wanted to give her flowers; she deserves flowers; she is a flower, of this painful world. 

We started moving towards the platform and I was so much into her that we unknowingly went to the wrong platform. 

We reached Saket 20 mins late but who cared about time? We had to go to Champa gali’s bari cafe and for that, we needed an auto. I thought I will have to call for auto because I am the guy and the last time when I went out Kayush, I had to do everything, But here she took the lead and dealt with the auto guy, she even negotiated and I was amused by her skills. 

Again I was back to that same lane I took a year ago to meet Cezzane but this time the memories did not hit hard maybe it was because I am with somebody better than her. We reached Champa Gali in like 15 mins and she looked for Baari cafe but there was a sign that says ‘we are temporarily closed. She sounded a bit upset because she had seen some reviews of that cafe and it was really pretty from the inside. Then she asked me, “where shall we go?”

“There are some other nice cafes too”, I gestured. We went ahead in Champa Gali and she asked me to go to the same cafe I had been with Cezzane and Kayush. I chuckled as she chose four directions. 

“What happened?” She asked with a completely baffled look. 

“Nothing”, I said trying not to smile. She was leading the way and as we were up to the door I realized I had to open the door for her so I rushed to move forward from her but she had already opened the door and I was like oh no! I told her I wanted to open the door for you then she looked down, smiled, and held the door gesturing ‘after you’. 

We sat on the couch, there was Jenga over the table and Menus. For the first few minutes, I could not believe that this is real; that this is actually happening and I wanted to tell her that but I had no words. I do not remember how we started the conversation, it just happened, maybe over the menu or something. Isn’t it amazing, how the thing that was terrifying me the most happened so nonchalantly, in a fleeting moment. And not just this one thing, all my fears like what to order or the bill thing. She took care of everything and especially of me. 

We spent 2 hours in the cafe, had lunch, and talked about so many things. She told me about her friends (which I wanted to know since the day I started following her on ig), about her parents and family. She did the talking mostly and I never felt I need to push this conversation, it just kept going and going. Also, there a moment came when was eating with a fork and knife and I don’t know how to use that. I was feeling a little embarrassed then all of a sudden I remembered how when I was with Cezzane, I was eating spaghetti and I did not know how to eat it properly and the table was a lil far from me to reach. I was so embarrassed that I did not eat it and I still regret it. So I decided I will not let that happen again and I don’t want this to be ruined. With all my innocence I asked her, “Could you please help me with this, I don’t know how to eat with a knife and fork”. 

She said sure and with that happy-to-help smile, she took the knife and showed me how we cut the food. Then with the help of the fork, she picked the food piece and fed me like you feed a lil child. Later she made a video of me where I was struggling to eat with a knife and fork and that was so cute. 

After having lunch we took an auto to the art gallery, in the auto we were clicking pictures and I thought I should now take out my cigarette. I did not know she is making a video when I did that and it got all recorded. She was amused seeing a cigarette between my lips. 

“You can light it if you want”, She said. 

Then I dropped that killer dialogue, “No, I do not smoke”, I took the cigarette in my hand, “See, you put the killing thing right between your teeth but you never give it the power to kill you. It is just a metaphor.” 

“It is childish”, she looked away. 

“C’mon I always wanted to do this”. 

So yeah, this stunt did not come out as I wanted it to be but to make it worse the auto driver offered me a matchstick and she laughed, a lot. I somehow managed not to have myself embarrassed more... by putting back the cigarette in the pack. 

“You did not like it?” I asked her. 

“It does not matter”, still not looking at me, “You can do anything you want”.

I leaned toward her, “anything?” I said looking straight into her eyes with deep passion. 

“Oh, c’mon Yushie”. 

At the mall, we spent a few minutes looking for the Kiran Nadar Art Gallery. I was carrying her bag and she, the flowers. The lady at the counter where we had to submit our bag and stuff asked me why are you carrying a women’s bag and Helen told her it is hers. She looked at us both and smiled. 

I love it when these things happen when people see something unusual so they ask you and when they get the reason behind it, they adore it. 

The art gallery was so peaceful. At first, we did not even see any people but there were many inside. She was looking at the piece of art and I was looking at her. We both were looking at what we find beautiful. The child in me who loves Helen was not able to understand the meaning behind the art so I had to keep asking her. She, in her impeccable manner, kept narrating to me the stories behind those arts. A moment came when we sat on the bench, looking at the wall and there was nobody else in the room. The distance between us was Lil to no. 

“What is this smell”, she asked out of nowhere. 

“What smell?” I was scared that I was stinking. 

“I don’t know”, she sniffed at my shoulder and I moved away a Lil. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Tell me if the smell is nice or not”. 

“It’s nice only. Which perfume do you use?”. Finally, I got some assurance.

I was wearing my brother’s perfume and that too was some cheap brand so I just said it is my brother’s I don’t know the name. 

We were so close that our forearms touched. She saw my veins and asked me to flex and as I did she touched them. She liked my forearms. The grabbed my hand, in a manner where the spaces of my fingers are filled with hers. I was completely shocked. I wanted everything to stop at that moment; just wanted to feel her palm on mine. One thing I knew for sure was that her hand would never harm me. I am safe here. 

We walked like that for a while, rubbing our thumbs. I kept looking at our hands, wishing by some miracle, we could never let it go. But I don’t remember when she let my hand go, maybe if I knew I would have held it tighter. When she was looking at the art, I wanted to look at her so I was walking backward, facing her. The wooden flooring made some noise when my feet struck the floor and she would look at me often.

After the art gallery, we went to the mall. I started feeling small there like I do not belong there but she sure does. So I got all quiet. She saw a store that has scented candles and stuff like that and said something about it. She realized I have not heard of it so she took me in there and like the salesperson shows stuff and explains, she showed me the products. 

While strolling in the mall for a while she wanted to go to Starbucks. I told her I have never been there and I know nothing of it she grabbed my hand and took me in there. Everything was so opulent there, all the pretty people working, talking, laughing; humans being humans. She got me her fav drink and asked me how is it. I nodded. 

“What happened to you?” She asked.

“Nothing, I just don’t like it when people are around”. A couple was sitting right next to us. They both were so pretty and talked in some accent I could never understand. Yes, even Helen started to speak in English and I was like... why!!??? 

“Well this is my kinda place”, She smiled. I just nodded returning a smile and thought no matter how hard I try I can never fit with her. I am just too damaged for her. Since day one I knew she’ll break my heart yet I just let her. 

The clock hit 4:30 and we knew it is time to go. We clicked some pictures, where ofc I feared not looking good but I got a decent one finally. Outside the mall, under the clear sky when sunrays fell on her she seemed a bit irritated so I wondered what is happening. She told me she is allergic to sun rays; she cannot look at the sun directly or else she’d start sneezing. And me, out of my complete innocence asked her how. She looked at the sun and sneezed. 

“OMG! You people have such cute allergies”, I was flattered just by her allergies. I mean in my life I have seen allergies to food, drinks, or some kind of smell but, this was so different. So from then on when we walked I tried to cover her face so she does not get under direct sun exposure. I leaned a bit forward or I would put my hand to cover her face. I wanted to protect her and keep her like a child trying to protect their favorite toy. 

In the metro, when it was time to say goodbye I could feel my heart skipping a  beat; it wants what it wants. I suck at goodbyes, but I am so glad I was with someone who makes goodbye so hard. I hated it when the metro reached the platform so quick. Generally, it takes 4-8 minutes but no, not today. We talked for a while about how amazing today was then she gave me the goodbye hug and this time it was a Lil tight which made me think does it mean something? I was too happy to be bothered by that and I watched her leave. She laughed when I asked can I come with you? but how do I tell her that It tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to her?

Love&Lights

Yushie

[ruminate88]

healing journal 07/05/24: progress or forever tormented ??

Okay there’s a lot I’ve been thinking and processing this week. I was triggered really bad one evening but quickly got over it. Then it’s a little confusing because my husband stresses real bad about money and acted like we’re broke, telling me we have to start saving and can’t spend anymore money but yet yesterday, he’s dropping all kinds of money on me. It was a huge day for me. My husband took me to kings island!!! The one place Andrew and I always talked about going together but yet Andrew took someone else right after I broke up with him AND posted pictures of them together on his IG. Such a stab in my back. I didn’t think I’d ever go back to Kings island after that…

so when my husband wanted to go yesterday, I thought, “oh. Yes, I should totally go and confront my feelings.”(although I was surprised he wanted to spend the money) It was both an amazing day and yet the WHOLE day I’m looking for Andrew’s face in every guy I see there. I’m just tormented by that. I wanted to bump into him there and YET I know if I did, I would cry…. I know I would always be upset if I saw him. Ugh, but yet I almost wanted Andrew to see me there having a good time with my husband and see how well I’m actually doing since he first met me.

I had moments yesterday where I actually felt super connected to my husband and felt respected and loved. My husband was just making it a fun day and spending money on us that I didn’t know why…. Just the night before, he’s crying we dont have money. What’s that all about anyway???? I keep telling myself my husband’s love language is giving gifts and that it was the 4th, so he wanted to do fun stuff. I just, idk. It’s confusing but nothing compares to the confusion Andrew caused me. 😢

The fact I had moments yesterday where I actually felt connected to my husband, made me very emotional and feel really really good. I was excited and trying to tell myself I’m over andrew and that I have a very healthy and wonderful marriage that Andrew can’t touch or shake. I’m planted strong with my husband but yet Andrew is on my freakin mind 24/7!!!!!!! It’s annoying and exhausting. Having to convince myself I feel nothing for Andrew is VERY alarming to me. Why do I have to overthink so much about my life and my relationships?? Andrew should not get any space in my head…

but I keep telling myself he was abusive and that’s why he is on my mind so much cuz I’m healing from him… I’m frustrated cuz I CAN feel so connected but then BOOM, I’m disconnected again. Andrew consumes my thoughts so much I wanna pull my hair out. Not just Andrew, I see Cody EVEYWHERE!!! I don’t think about Cody the way I do Andrew but I see him… I feel forever haunted and tormented by those two. 😓😢😭💔 When does it get better ????? ❤️‍🩹

[mellow-worlds]

I have been crying a lot lately. I guess because change is scary, but I don't really know how to describe my emotions.

L isn't here today. I ate with mother and sister. I cried because of my mother today. I decided I won't ever talk to her again, verbally. Never, of course, is an overstatement, I know I'll probably do it soon enough. But it's ok that I'm angry, right? I can hold a grudge? I can be mad at the person who treats me like a child, who never listens to me, who asks me if I've even said anything, who told me to move out when I hadn't even finished school yet, who makes me miserable and feel watched and judged when I'm in the same room with her.

I had this great conversation with L the other day. I love him so dearly. He said it's ok not to be liked and it's ok not to like someone. I think it's ok that I don't like my mother. It's ok that she thinks of me as a child and idk whatever it is she tihnks of me, but it isn't ok that she treats me the way she does. The way I treat her isn't ok, either, but I don't know how to change it, I just can't. I don't want to live with her anymore but I kind of have to and I'm so hurt. Thinking about her sitting in the living room makes me feel awful already. I hate being in the same room as her, I shouldn't have to live in the same house as her. I want to die and I don't want to want to die and I'm just saying that because I am kind of spiralling with my words and me writing this out might make me feel worse about it, but not really, right? It's fgood to air out these emotions. It's ok that I can hear my mother doing things in the kitchen. It's ok if I want to go there to eat something, she won't be there forever. I don't have to listen to her when she doesn't listen to me.

I think I will find a way to be ok. I will move out eventually, right? And living with her right now is temporary, I have dealt with it so long, I can deal with it some more.

I wish L was here so I could tell him about everything. How my mother took us away from our father and our country to then later tell me to go live with him when I was 16, she told me to move out and to get away from her because she couldn't bear seeing me like that. That I once had a conversation with her, actually many, many conversations like that, where she told me about all of my flaws and all the things I do wrong and I kind of collapsed onto the floor because I couldn't handle it anymore. How she treats me like a child and never listens to me. How I still think about if I'm wearing short sleeves around her because she thanked me once for doing so so she could monitor I wasn't cutting myself. How I hate eating in her vicinity because she knows I had an ed and I feel watched. How I feel watched whenever I'm in the same room as her and how I can't act normally around her because she won't treat me normally.

Idk?

Idkkk she doesn't even do that much yet I resent her for everything.

Idk.

I want to tell him about the book my father gifted me where the protagonist's father killed himself and about how my father said it also felt like I had lost him, back then when my mother dragged us away and never gave us a choice.

I want to tell L about how much I hurt but I feel like it's not fair.

I started crying again. I don't want to push down my emotions, but why did I start crying again? I need to feel this,, ig. I feel like I'm wasting my time, Idk what to do. I never did anything and i'll never accomplish anything. Maybe that's somethign I don't need to worry about rn. Maybe all I need to do is grab a btie to eat, ignore my mother, and listen to that song L sent me. I want to do that. I want to feel ok. I think I will.

It's ok if I don't accomplish anything, I am so young. I will eventually, probably, do something I am happy with.

i feel a little bettrer now. its ok that i didnt feel so good.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

[journalofsorts2]

i try to be really articulate when it comes to my negative emotions because they're easy to explain, there's an easy cause and effect. like, my mom fat shamed me growing up, so i'm insecure about my weight. i got bullied growing up (not just at home), and so i have a hard time making friends. easy cause and effects. but with positive emotions it's so hard to explain the effect. i can name causes easily, i like the rain, i love stuffed bears, i love all these different cartoons, i love art. but i can't name the effect of the positive emotions these things illicit in me. and half the time i can't name the cause that makes me feel this way. like with rain, i grew up in a desert and rain didn't happen that often, and when it did, it wasn't for that long, so whenever it rains it feels like a special occasion. but i have no clue why i like stuffed bears. i don't know why i have a collection of them sitting on my shelf, i just know that they make me happy. and i don't like this, i don't like the not knowing. it's about me, i should know, these are my emotions, why don't i get to understand them completely? and what do i do with them? when i'm sad i cry, when i'm angry i hurt myself or objects around me, but when i'm happy? what do i do then? i mean, i have a few happy stims but they don't come out that often because i got really good at masking at a young age y'know? but besides that, there's nothing to do with my happiness. it just sits in me just balled up in my throat and i can't get it out unless i wash it down with tears or pull it out with angry hands. it's bad to bottle up your emotions, but when people say that they usually mean negative ones, but i feel like i've been bottling up my happiness. i don't know what to do with it. it's confusing and i don't understand why i feel this way and i don't like it. like okay, here's an example, the thing that inspired this post. steven universe means a lot to me. i watched it when i was younger and it's like steven grew up with me. i really fucking enjoyed that show, and for all it's flaws, it's an amazing piece of work. it means so much to me and i don't know how to express that. i don't understand why it means so much to me, i don't understand why i cried when it ended, i don't understand why it makes all my words ball up in my throat. i don't get it. and i think the reason i don't get it is because happiness isn't a regular to me. growing up in an abusive household means i get really familiar with being sad and angry as a kid. but i don't get really familiar with being happy. happy was rare. maybe i was content a lot, but actually being happy was rare. and so i didn't get to dissect it like everything else i feel. i just let it happen. and now, as that abusive space is fading away, i get to be happy more, i get to feel this more, but i don't understand how to dissect it yet. and that's confusing. i don't get it and i don't like not getting it. one thing i always had control over was why i felt something. i'm not saying i had control over my emotions, but i always got to understand the true reason why i was feeling what i was feeling. other people assumed they knew the reason but they didn't and i got to relish in the fact that i did know. and now i'm feeling happy more often and i don't get that why anymore. i don't like it. i don't like it at all. i want that control over myself back. i want that why back. as annoying as it is to dissect myself like this, i take a certain comfort in knowing the why. but i don't get that with positive emotions and i don't enjoy it at all. idk if this made any sense. i'm tired, late night ramblings ig. rant over

[neowinestainedress]

hiii i'm back hehehe glad it made your day cuz you deserve it since you made my day too!! 🥰

my next goals are 1) a happy fic and 2) a short fic. this made me tear up, i’m so happy you can see how much i love writing and i hope the same.

OH NOOO i forgot to write this when i wrote so long previously but hldbdldjd I REALLY ENJOYED LONG FIC SO YEAA I'M ALWAYS EXCITED WHEN I SEE WC MORE THAN 10K, pleaseee i live for it!!! but yeaa its your goals who am i to stop you, just wanna say the wc doesnt actually bother me as a reader cuz i love it. and for the emotions i dont really mind cuz i love a good fic with a lot of emotions! So as long as youre happy and satisfied with your writing thats the best a reader like me could get 🧡

it’s not a want it’s a NEED at this point (also it got nothing to do with the story but lately he’s feeding my delusion a bit too much so yeah). i might’ve written the man of my dreams in this fic… just maybe. no but it’s true that we don’t know him truly but it’s already a blessing to living at the same time. i think i came up with a good compromise between real him and obviously made up character, idk how to explain but the mix between the hopeless romantic – or loser (affectionative) – and the tease is just so haechan.

YES YES OMG I GOT IT AND I'M ALSO GLAD YOU GOT WHAT I MEAN like yesss we didnt know him much cuz lets admit it even how much we think we know a little bit of donghyuck by how the media show him, still we couldnt see it as whole and you really wrote a mix of haechan + hyuck characteristics so well. HE IS FEEDING US WITH THE DELUSIONAL WITH THE AMOUNT OF IGLIVE HE DID AND HIS BUBBLE SELCA CUZ YESS HE BE SENDING DIFFERENT VIBE OF SELCA ON IG AND BUBBLE AND IDK IF I LOVE HIM OR HATE HIM FOR THAT BUT YES WHATEVER AS LONG AS ITS LEE HAECHAN (we are down bad atp) and i could say that ever since i stan him, it's a little hard for me to read other members' fics cuz yes i could picture the scenes on my mind but i couldnt really get the feels and its probably because i didnt really catch up with others characteristics as well (or maybe cuz it's clear who do we picture the ml is)

i was unsure about her backstory for so long, because initially she wasn’t supposed to have one (not this heavy at least) but then it came to me out of nowhere and i felt it was more fitting of a reasoning for the way she behaved (especially her obsession with rules) than some tough break-ups.

tbh, I cried when its near the time fl said about her trauma cuz yea i lost someone i love too before so i definitely understand why she's doing that and i appreciate that you really think a lot into it and settle down with this because yes its more natural and convincing for her behaviour to be like that and since you've decided to how to do with haechan's. love your brain and ideas 🥺🥺

i literally wrote about a man that will never exist in real life, how do i bring him to life??

honestly there's no way for it and WE CRY TOGETHER. Like yea maybe there is, but they're probably other people soulmates naurrrr this sounds so depressing but yea not that im someone who want a real love irl too 😭😭 (nah tbh im still clueless of myself, idk if it's just me being so into haechan that i could never see other men or notㅡ but i used to have a crush few months back and i decided to confess to him so that i can move on so i think i really have issue on this but yea lets move on)

it’s a mix of mark barely being with his head on earth (they way he always tries to set mc up with anybody every time they go out when she’s sulking because she wants Haechan sends me) and mc and haechan being good at keeping it a secret (always in a corner, touches under the table, going to a place they know none of their friends will ever go)

yeaaa thats what i have on my mind too, idk for some reasons Mark really nailed this kind of characters cuz yess i could see him as the damn good looking attractive man but thw cute side of him is just hldbffjflf he is cute being clueless like that and can be frustrating too. just wanna confirm it so i can maybe sleep well after knowing how it really goes and thanks too for reassuring me that the fl and haechan really get the happy ending even after the story ends hldhfldjdld (that actually reminds me of how i always wonder of one of my questions in mind about if the characters in the story really end like you know they really disappear from the 'world' right after we reach the ending/last page of the book. the same thing as the 'and they live happily ever after' like do they still living after the story until they die or what. okay enoughㅡ)

i guess the long one? did you want haechan and the mc to get back together but at the same time you wanted to slap him for what he did?

that should be me i think HAHAHA my memory sometimes betrayed me but i do note that i have this one thing being so into detail writing til i wrote such a long essay 😆😆 yeaaa i really feel i need to give you the feedback altho i was late and taking this as the chance i could finally write to you last time.

i know it’s all fictional and those characters don’t exist but i wouldn’t have made it end that way if i didn’t know he could be a better man and keep on growing up, so you can sleep at night knowing they’re all happy.

I live to dream about fictional character to keep going. I feel like I could only love fictional character so thank you very much for writing this kind of stories, i mean you know not all characters need to be perfectly perfect from the start til the end (ALTHO HITS DIFFERENT IS!!! AND WE CHEER FOR IT) but some stories of course need characters where they are growing to be the better of themselves cuz we human is supposed to do that too.

last year i had a really bad burn out and i still have no idea how i managed to write the stories i had planned back then (and in fact i didn’t write two of one series) so i decided to don’t start anything because then i get mad at me.like i use writing as escapism and when i start a story and can’t give it an ending it reflects on me more than it should, so i’ve promised myself to don’t put too much on the plate.

awhh let me give you a hug!! 🥺🥺 nevertheless you still did well and you did thought of writing it, so the thought is what matter and we discuss it here too and i get what you really wanna write but you know sometimes even if we want to write it that way but if we feel it wont turn out like we wanted, might as well just write it short and keep it like that for the better. Cuz i do love it when writer wrote details for filler but if the filler doesnt bring the reader to somewhere it'll make it boring too. Saying this from writer side of me tho now i put a pause and resort to just being a reader for the time being. (i kinda slow-down since 2020 due personal reason and i feel like i need to do something else, tho i do hope i gain my love back for writing like i used to. maybe its a good things too like i just read now and see how writer structure their ideas and plots so yea 😊)

i’m also happy you understood the characters development because some comments drove me insane and made me doubt everything. i simply thing this ending was a clear cut, you either liked jeno or haechan and it’s obviously if she didn’t end up with who you were rooting for, you would’ve ended up disappointed. but to me this story was so much more than #teamjeno or #teamhaechan so i’m happy with my characters anyway (even tho sour!haechan you will never be like hits different!haechan)

I'm always in for a developing character in a story mostly because i'm also learning how to write again too so thanks to you too!! and yess i do read some of the feedbacks and just sigh, tho of course we know not all readers has the same preferences and all, they can be disappointed or happy, we could never know it. and as a someone who is happy with the ending, all i can say maybe if they give extra and careful look at some small details or think from other perspectives they could get what the story you tried to write. I mean of course we can't force everyone to love all of our stories, but yeaa dont worry i get what you mean and that series is really good altho yes sour!haechan could never be hitsdifferent!haechan!!

no don’t feel bad at all, i’m the chilliest person and i just love discussing about my stories but i don’t get mad when it takes more time to reply, i’m a late replier too so i can’t get mad at others.

going to expose my sign/mbti side again (before i stop my reply here for now) but yes as an infj (and pisces moon) i couldn't help feeling that way like i know you're chill with it and im someone who usually reply late to others type too, i know it's just me who think that way but yea i can't help what other people think of my action. and i feel the need to shower you with so much appreciation and love so yes i just did that hehe 💗💗💗💗 and i love you back!!! 🌻🌻

hiii! no yeah i got what you meant dw. I love writing a lot but sometimes it would be good for me to keep it shorter (around 20k it’s perfect) but I’m glad a lot of you read my things even when they are so long, it means the world to me

YES YES OMG I GOT IT AND I'M ALSO GLAD YOU GOT WHAT I MEAN like yesss we didnt know him much cuz lets admit it even how much we think we know a little bit of donghyuck by how the media show him, still we couldnt see it as whole and you really wrote a mix of haechan + hyuck characteristics so well. HE IS FEEDING US WITH THE DELUSIONAL WITH THE AMOUNT OF IGLIVE HE DID AND HIS BUBBLE SELCA CUZ YESS HE BE SENDING DIFFERENT VIBE OF SELCA ON IG AND BUBBLE AND IDK IF I LOVE HIM OR HATE HIM FOR THAT BUT YES WHATEVER AS LONG AS ITS LEE HAECHAN (we are down bad atp) and i could say that ever since i stan him, it's a little hard for me to read other members' fics cuz yes i could picture the scenes on my mind but i couldnt really get the feels and its probably because i didnt really catch up with others characteristics as well (or maybe cuz it's clear who do we picture the ml is)

His selfies lately are a menace I HATE HIM HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING unfortunately I’m down bad for other members too so I can read other fics (not that rn I have a lot of time to do that tbh) but yeah, he *pun coming* hits different.

tbh, I cried when its near the time fl said about her trauma cuz yea i lost someone i love too before so i definitely understand why she's doing that and i appreciate that you really think a lot into it and settle down with this because yes its more natural and convincing for her behaviour to be like that and since you've decided to how to do with haechan's. love your brain and ideas 🥺🥺

sometimes I feel like I put too much but building a lot around characters also helps me writing more easily, if I can vividly see the characters I can write them better.

honestly there's no way for it and WE CRY TOGETHER. Like yea maybe there is, but they're probably other people soulmates naurrrr this sounds so depressing but yea not that im someone who want a real love irl too 😭😭 (nah tbh im still clueless of myself, idk if it's just me being so into haechan that i could never see other men or notㅡ but i used to have a crush few months back and i decided to confess to him so that i can move on so i think i really have issue on this but yea lets move on)

my faith in men is honestly under ground so my hopes of finding a decent man are super low but I’ve got women so I’m fine (I say when my last two women crushes broke my heart)

yeaaa thats what i have on my mind too, idk for some reasons Mark really nailed this kind of characters cuz yess i could see him as the damn good looking attractive man but thw cute side of him is just hldbffjflf he is cute being clueless like that and can be frustrating too. just wanna confirm it so i can maybe sleep well after knowing how it really goes and thanks too for reassuring me that the fl and haechan really get the happy ending even after the story ends hldhfldjdld (that actually reminds me of how i always wonder of one of my questions in mind about if the characters in the story really end like you know they really disappear from the 'world' right after we reach the ending/last page of the book. the same thing as the 'and they live happily ever after' like do they still living after the story until they die or what. okay enoughㅡ)

mark’s cluelessly is my favorite part about him. I do the same, it sadden me so much to know I will never read about characters ever again, like all I have about them is what’s written in their stories and then ??? what comes after??? What will they do??? It happens with ff, books, movies, I wish some stories would never end

that should be me i think HAHAHA my memory sometimes betrayed me but i do note that i have this one thing being so into detail writing til i wrote such a long essay 😆😆 yeaaa i really feel i need to give you the feedback altho i was late and taking this as the chance i could finally write to you last time.

I mean you’re talking to someone that’s not able to keep anything short so I can’t tell you anything about the long comments hahah also I love these types of long feedback so they’re fine by me

I live to dream about fictional character to keep going. I feel like I could only love fictional character so thank you very much for writing this kind of stories, i mean you know not all characters need to be perfectly perfect from the start til the end (ALTHO HITS DIFFERENT IS!!! AND WE CHEER FOR IT) but some stories of course need characters where they are growing to be the better of themselves cuz we human is supposed to do that too.

No exactly like it’s fiction, nothing of this exists and I think people should be allowed to love CHARACTERS (made up, not real, ink on paper) even if they’re problematic or not perfect in every single way. Also extremely perfect characters are boring so… give me characters with flaws and depths and growth

awhh let me give you a hug!! 🥺🥺 nevertheless you still did well and you did thought of writing it, so the thought is what matter and we discuss it here too and i get what you really wanna write but you know sometimes even if we want to write it that way but if we feel it wont turn out like we wanted, might as well just write it short and keep it like that for the better. Cuz i do love it when writer wrote details for filler but if the filler doesnt bring the reader to somewhere it'll make it boring too. Saying this from writer side of me tho now i put a pause and resort to just being a reader for the time being. (i kinda slow-down since 2020 due personal reason and i feel like i need to do something else, tho i do hope i gain my love back for writing like i used to. maybe its a good things too like i just read now and see how writer structure their ideas and plots so yea 😊)

no yeah absolutely, with the jeno part I would have something to say for sure because there are some dynamics to explore but idk I’ll see if I ever feel like it. Also I agree because sometimes I get asked for sequels but there’s really nothing to say so I’m glad people would like to read more but I don’t think they get (if they never wrote) that plot and dynamics don’t come out of nowhere, also not everything needs a sequel. reading always helps to write so I really hope it brings your passion back, even if you have to take small steps, if it made you feel good I hope you can start again.

I'm always in for a developing character in a story mostly because i'm also learning how to write again too so thanks to you too!! and yess i do read some of the feedbacks and just sigh, tho of course we know not all readers has the same preferences and all, they can be disappointed or happy, we could never know it. and as a someone who is happy with the ending, all i can say maybe if they give extra and careful look at some small details or think from other perspectives they could get what the story you tried to write. I mean of course we can't force everyone to love all of our stories, but yeaa dont worry i get what you mean and that series is really good altho yes sour!haechan could never be hitsdifferent!haechan!!

THIS!!! and exactly not everyone can have the same preferences and that’s normal I only was sad for a few feedbacks because I genuinely couldn’t get their point (and it was about the fl not even about jeno or haechan) but at the end of the day I don’t go crazy over any of this, I’m here to talk about anything, positive and negative as long as people are polite, so if anyone wants to say why they didn’t like something I can offer my point of view as the writer, then I’m not a professional and I don’t get paid for this and I think people here tend to forget this too often (but not only for me, for every writer on this site) we don’t owe reader anything and even if I want to write something problematic all you have to do is skip it.

going to expose my sign/mbti side again (before i stop my reply here for now) but yes as an infj (and pisces moon) i couldn't help feeling that way like i know you're chill with it and im someone who usually reply late to others type too, i know it's just me who think that way but yea i can't help what other people think of my action. and i feel the need to shower you with so much appreciation and love so yes i just did that hehe 💗💗💗💗 and i love you back!!! 🌻🌻

INFX GANG LET’S GO I’m infp and pisces sun and I don’t usually like stereotypes but I perfectly fit into these lol. No I worry too much about what people think of my actions too but I also want people to know I’ll never judge them for anything, especially something so silly as a late reply. Thank you again for this talk, love you!!! 🌻

[tartedepera]

(Vent post)

When I say im obsessed this is what I really mean, and yes i know its super unhealthy, i literally feel like im losing my mind over this stupid boy, and i wanna stop but then i dont wanna stop cus if i stop loving him it will mean that what we had ment nothing.

Sometimes i think im over him, but then the memories of him, of us start coming back. This is geting to a point where i start crying myself to sleep and even cuting myself cus ,idk why, i have this urge to make him know that im sufering so i can make him feel bad about what he did to me ig (even tho he doesn't have the fault for stop loving me)

I remember the way he use to look at me, with that sparkle in his sweet and soft blue eyes that were only sweet and soft for me, the way he use to smile at me like i was his everything, the way i felt so safe in his arms. And that one time when i was laying on his chest, while he was playing with my hair and he looked at me and said "you are amasing, i love you" and then he kissed me. I remember the way i was happy with him, and the day i realised i loved him, the day i realised that he was the one i wanted to spend my life with.

I think i romantized our relatioship, i was delusional, i still am actually, im feeling literally insane. Sometimes i have to contain myself to not send him the most psychotic shit just to show him how ill i can be.

And it hapened, i totally humiliated myself, i literally begged him to come back to me. But i swear that ill never make that mistake again.

I cant take it anymore, i cant stop thinking about him. I miss him so much. I love him.

"I need nobody" is what i tell myself. Everyone always hurt me and i always hurt everyone. Is better if i stay alone. I always ruin everything.

I want him to be happy, but a part of me also wants him to have a miserable life and die alone. Because he never, i repeat, never will find anyone who will love him more than i do.

[entiish]

void ranting under cut xox 🫶🏾 

im in my feels rn it’s been like FIFTEEN YEARS on this platform, and writing/creating/fancasting etc has been my safe space and beloooved by me for about seventeen years at this point....  and im just high and emo and reflecting so this is NO BEARING if ur following me for musings or gifs or any of my creations 💜💜 

anyway

you know whats wild?? after i was mobbed by the Toxic rpc fandom and some RP partners about a decade ago — i’m taking breakdown crying hyperventilating level of carnage i went thru — , i took a break and when i came back i took on a whole new persona (and also only rped in controlled environments) but this person who was a white aussie, or an ASSUMED white aussie by everyone around.   i think thats bc a lot of people have hella misconceptions about australia and aussies and out multiculturalism but i digress)       idk why, aside from some weird online racism trauma ig, and fear.  like so much anxiety and fear.  and i used to often play two different aliases, or id eventually cave and make a second, just so i could be my authentic self even if my face or name wasnt shared.    but i could also be my pretend self who felt safer online at that time.   and like??? its so INSANE to think about late-teen me who did that.   bc it was still me, and i was just living in this Hyper Reactionary state where i was so sure that i would be targeted again so i kept switching myself around as both protection from those people (i STILL remember their aliases to this day)   ----- but like.. in the last few years those two personas meshed ig?? so even tho ill always be Aware and on the lookout for those people, i dont find myself as an adult reaching to hide online anymore. i’ll NEVER make the mistake of sharing my actual name online again but i dont feel the protective need to split myself into two pieces or hide my race out of fear of someone recognising me as the ‘mexican aussie’ anymore  — and thats not me being an ass, we’re straight a rare breed on this platform, like supER rare. how many aussies have yall rped with fr? and how many of those were of mexican heritage?? EXACTLY. point is, its definitely obvious and im cool w that now

the catch is tho, by trying to protect myself back then i lied to a lot of people to make myself “seem” more acceptable, which is so fucked up bc A) ive ALWAYS been acceptable as i am    & B) !!!! i made myself into a liar and i hate that and i struggle w that a lot, like to this day. i am sure that these people who developed bonds with the ‘white’ me will feel hurt by my actions and that makes me feel awful bc i never meant to do that.      & C) i’m too scared to go back and pick up old muses or work i spent time in etc, rp things that ive loved so deeply bc some where played by the ‘white’ me, and the others would have been played by my more autheNtic me. (EVEN THO. THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON.) and if someone i cared about who doesnt know this happened upon it, then refer to point B.

my point is that i made a mess for myself by being driven into a place where i didnt feel safe being me.    i’m not in that mindspace anymore but the mess i made still haunts me sometimes 😓