#why did i do this to myself? idk felt like crying ig

[tisajest]

ah nothing like reading the epilogue for choices by messermoon to make yourself cry

“Just this once,” his voice breaks, “I wanted to be the one to catch you.”

[mintsturniolo]

alcohol and heartbreak (c.s)

bsf!chris sturniolo x f!reader

a/n: this one been sitting in the drafts lmao for months. edited kind of? reacquainting myself with angst cause i haven't written something like this since my last fandom

summary: when chris's girlfriend cheats on him he finds himself drunk at his best friend's doorstep

warnings: angst, crying, alcohol... idk. no happy ending ig

Hurt didn’t begin to describe how Chris felt at this moment. He felt broken. Betrayed. He never knew his heart could physically hurt the way it did. His whole body hurt. Currently he was wandering through the streets of Boston. Matt and Nick had tried to stop him from leaving. They wanted to know what was wrong. Chris just didn’t have the energy to tell anyone what had happened. When Sierra had said forever he’d believed it. The last thing he’d expected was to be sent proof that his girlfriend was cheating on him. As if things could get worse, when confronted, Sierra didn’t even deny it.

How could Chris go from loving someone so much to hating them? How could he miss the red flags? What did he do to deserve this? It felt like it was always him. Matt and Nick had gotten their significant others, yet when it was turn, everything went wrong.

Tears streamed down Chris’s face as he found himself in the parking lot of a bar. He wasn’t one to drink. He’d always been against it. Tonight he needed a drink. He knew he would regret it later, but he didn’t care.

Almost two hours passed, and Chris didn’t know how but he found himself sitting at the bar with a third bottle of some drink he didn’t know in his hands. Everything felt like it was spinning and blurry. Everyone’s voices sounded like they were under water. His cheeks felt warm and wet, but he couldn’t figure out. “Sir. Excuse me sir?”

Chris looked up to see the bartender looking at him with a concerned look on his face. “Hmmmm,” he hummed tracing the rim of the bottle with his finger.

“Are you okay? Why are you crying? Do you need me to call someone to take you home?” the bartender asked.

Chris shook his head as he got to his feet. “M’fine,” he slurred. “Thanks.”

He tried to stand up, but almost collapsed. “Woah,” the bartender said, coming around to help Chris. “Is there anyone you want me to call?”

Chris shook his head as he steadied himself. “I can make it where I need to go,” he mumbled placing some money on the bar. “Thanks.”

The bartender nodded and went back to what he was doing as Chris stumbled out the door.

***your pov ***

You were in the kitchen of your small apartment, cleaning up when you heard a knock at your door. “Hello?” you asked, looking up.

When you got no response you made your way to the door and opened it. You gasped at the sight in front of you. Your best friend Chris was leaning heavily against the doorframe, his eyes were red, and tears streaked down his face. “What happened hun?” you asked worriedly, as you led him inside and closed the door.

“She cheated…” was all he managed to say as more tears started to run down his face.

You were stunned as you watched Chris stumble across the room and opened the fridge. He turned to you with a half empty bottle of tequila in his hand that he had just found. “Chris…” you sighed. “Join me on the couch?” you offered.

Chris shrugged and took the offer. He was silent for a couple minutes, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. You placed a hand on his knee, causing him to glance at you briefly. “You want to talk about it? Do you just want to go to bed? You can have the guest room.”

“What’s there to talk about?” Chris muttered, and you could hear the anger starting to build in his voice.

You shrugged as you watched Chris take a sip of the tequila. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” you replied. “Whatever you want.”

Chris didn’t reply as he stood up, and you assumed he was about to take your offer of the guest bedroom. He turned towards you, looking defeated. “I was scared. You know that?”

You looked up at him. “Scared?”

“My biggest fear has always been the vulnerability that comes with relationships,” Chris replied. “I told her that. I fucking told her that.”

You didn’t know how to respond, so you chose to sit quietly and let Chris rant. Chris took another sip of tequila as he started pacing. “You know how she responded when I asked about what I’d heard?”

You shook your head. You could see a look in Chris's eyes that you'd never seen before. “She didn’t even react. She just said she was interested in the other guy now. Could she not just have the guts to break up with me?” Chris ranted, raising his voice with every sentence.

“I’m sorry,” was all you managed to say as you watched Chris get more restless by the second.

“I did everything for her. I was there for her and she turns around and throws it in my face,” Chris snapped at no one in particular.

You nodded quietly. You knew what he’d gone through with that girl. You had witnessed him constantly do everything for her and put her over so many different opportunities he could’ve had.

Chris was shaking as tears started to roll down his flushed cheeks again. Your heart hurt for your friend as you watched him try to calm himself down. The amount of alcohol Chris had consumed tonight seemed to be having an effect as his rage changed to sadness. His blue eyes swam in tears as he let the glass bottle he was still holding slip from his hands and shatter on the floor. “What am I doing wrong?” he slurred, starting to sway slightly.

You stood up and hurried to his side, avoiding the broken glass the best you could. “Nothing. It’s not your fault,” you tried to assure him.

That was all it took for the dam to break. “I know. It’s okay,” was all you could think to say as you listened to Chris’s heartbreaking sobs.

It was several minutes before Chris’s sobs quieted. You brushed his hair out of his eyes and sighed. “I know it hurts.”

“She didn’t even care,” Chris said tearfully.

You wiped a stray tear from his cheek. “Come back to the couch with me?”

The two of you settled back on the couch and you pulled Chris in for a hug. “She didn’t deserve you. I’m so sorry,” you whispered, running your fingers through Chris’s hair.

Chris was quiet as he stayed in your arms and you knew he was exhausted from the combination of alcohol and emotions. His breathing started to slow and you glanced down to see his eyes starting to close. You started to offer the guest bedroom to him again, but you didn’t think he would be able to stay standing and you certainly couldn’t take his full weight. You reached for the blanket next to you and gently covered Chris with it “M’sorry,” he slurred. “Bout the glass. I’ll clean it up.”

You shook your head. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll clean it up later.”

“Hmmm,” Chris hummed.

You absentmindedly scratched Chris’s back as you closed your eyes. It would be a long day tomorrow, and you know Chris wouldn’t remember anything from tonight.

Taglist

@adirtylittleheart @sturniolo04 @yourenogoodforme @flouvela @mattyblover07 @sturnioloveniamh @slutforsturniolos

[the-roo-too]

She fell first but she fell harder kind of trope

with any of the unnie line of nmixx😌👍

break my heart myself -> bandmate! seol yoona

-people cope with things in many different ways

warnings: they make out ig

genre: angst (poor attempt at)

notes: i think i should give up writing angst idk what this is

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you could feel sullyoon’s chest rise up and down shakily as you laid on top of her. although you two only made out, her breathing was uneven, just as was yours. you aimlessly drew soft patterns on her collarbone as she gently ran her hands up and down your back in a comforting manner. the silence around you brought a peaceful feeling to your heart, though you were about to break it.

“you miss her, don’t you, unnie?”

she hummed before your words registered in her brain. you felt the hand on your back stop it’s movements. “what do you mean, y/nnie?”

“yunjin. i think… i think you really do miss her, unnie.”

sullyoon froze before lifting your chin gently to meet her eyes. “why are you saying that?”

“because you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t… because you wouldn’t be here with me, if you didn’t.”

“…i thought you said-“

“i know, unnie. i’m… please, forget i said anything.” you nuzzled more into her chest, ignoring the way she looked at you, waiting for explanation.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

for context, sullyoon’s been a mess since yunjin left. they low key kept in touch but trying to talk about what they had, what happened between them… it was too awkward.

all of the members could see jinni leaving nmixx took a toll on sullyoon. especially you. but that she couldn’t see.

haewon offered her to take some time off, but they both knew she couldn’t. her laying off after another member left the group would just raise suspicion, be it rumours of them being together or yunjin leaving because of sullyoon.

so instead of a break, she found easier ways to forget. she asked you, the member that always liked to be nearby although they weren’t that close.

you knew she was using you but everyone copes with loss differently, right?

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you didn’t know why or when, but sullyoon somehow managed to have you head over heels for her, without even trying. without even knowing.

your group was fairly big, 8 members until december. it was understandable, not being particularly close with every single person in the group. sullyoon wasn’t close with you, you didn’t talk all that much with yunjin etc.

when the news broke out, at first you were just sad. yunjin was nice, the two of you talked sometimes, but that was it. you were barely friends.

your heart hurt when yunjin said goodbye. all of your members were crying, promising to keep in touch. it pained you more when you looked at haewon, your leader. she held her composure but deep down, she thought she failed as a leader.

only when you walked up to haewon to comfort her, your heart really broke. you saw the way sullyoon looked at yunjin, how she cried after her. you also saw the way yunjin looked at sullyoon and lily.

that night for the first time, sullyoon knocked at your door. when you opened, half asleep, she did not waste a second, her lips landing on yours blindly.

“we can forget together, okay?”

you thought she knew but… she never tried to see you like you saw her.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

“please, forget i said anything.”

she tried but your words kept repeating themselves in the back of her mind like a broken record.

even when the morning arrived and she slipped back into her own bedroom, she couldn’t let go of your conversation. having nothing better to do at 5 before practice, she walked to the dorm kitchen to make some tea.

as she was pouring the boiling water into the cup, she heard quiet footsteps behind her. she flinched, but fortunately didn’t burn herself nor the other person.

sullyoon turned her head to see lily and pouted. “you scared me, unnie!”

“…you’re hurting her, yoona.”

she hesitantly placed her cup of tea down on the counter, turning to face the older girl.

“what are you talking about, lily?”

“y/n.”

a small scoff fell from her lips. “are you jealous, unnie? we aren’t doing anything wrong.”

lily held her gaze coldly, which was very unusual for the oldest member. “i care for all of my members, yoona. i don’t care if you think this isn’t wrong of you, but you need to stop hurting her.”

“how exactly am i hurting her, unnie?” sullyoon felt weird, having lily speak to her in such a harsh tone. it was so out of character for the oldest.

“…are you blind, yoona? she loves you. stop playing with the poor girl’s heart. you’re a close friend of mine, but i won’t let you cause harm on my other friends.”

lily left the room before she could react. only one thought kept repeating in her head.

she loves me?

all of a sudden, sullyoon felt guilty. a weird heaviness pressed on her chest, making it hard to breathe. and on that morning, at 5 am, sullyoon didn’t know how to cope anymore.

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

you wondered if you pushed her away with you words that night. after your talk, sullyoon stopped visiting you at night. your heart ached for her, because while you didn’t have to fill yunjin’s place in her heart anymore, you felt like you didn’t hold a place there no longer.

when sullyoon stopped visiting, lily suddenly started showing you more affection that usual. it was good for you, it took your mind of your little love life problems.

then, practice became a bit harder, hence a comeback was nearby. you suddenly didn’t have time to think about all the things bothering you.

sullyoon on the contrary couldn’t sleep well since her talk with lily.

she told herself it was the reason she came to you that night.

you thought she missed yunjin again.

lily sighed deeply when through the gap in her doors, she saw you let yoona inside your dorm again.

she couldn’t do much, but hope the younger one didn’t do you more harm.

sullyoon didn’t know what to do at first, when you invited her in. why was it so hard suddenly, when being with you was always so easy?

her eyes met your soft ones, that held a familiar warmth.

”she loves you.” lily’s words echoed in her mind.

you looked at her the same way she looked at yunjin.

she remembered all those times with the ex member. she couldn’t look at jinni like that anymore.

a mirror stood on your nightstand. she looked into her own eyes, averting her gaze from yours. her eyes held… that warmth…

you blinked, and her lips met yours. it was so gentle, softer than ever. she slowly moved away, speaking the words in a whisper.

“i don’t miss her, y/n. i missed you.”

you looked into her eyes, searching for the truth. never before did her gaze feel so warm.

“why, unnie?”

“you love me.” so she knew. you nodded, as she only spoke truth.

“i have loved you for as long as i can remember.”

she pulled you close again, another kiss being shared between the two of you.

“please, let me love you back.”

... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ..

[fictionkinfessions]

I had a dream about Madam Red last night, of all things.

With all the love in my heart, I don't think of her often 💀 My latest Grell shift was kicked off by Othello, so he's the freshest face in my mind when I think of Grell. Also I'm not even IN a Grell shift right now!!!! This came completely out of nowhere! But whatever. I dreamed about her.

I don't remember everything about the dream. I know it came off another one. I know we were in some room. I think it was like... A Black Butler Kinnie Meetup or something. There weren't many people there; I didn't recognize anybody either, like I wasn't sitting in a sea of characters or kinnies there was like A Dude. (MIGHT have been William, or I am retroactively imposing him on a man. Hard to say)

A little card came up a la silent movie or whatever, and it was a sex joke 🫢 And in my punctuating of such a clue (I don't know why it was a clue or why I had told people where I would be in this way) I sat on the table closest to Madam Red, legs swinging off the side mischievous style. The joke implied she was also a trans woman, which was very exciting and empowering to me. I remember people doing that OOOOOOOOHH thing people do when a sex joke happens LOL and for a moment it was whatever. It was chill!

Then I looked at her... And she was beautiful, but I also felt so disconnected. Like I didn't see her and get swarmed with emotions. My heart didn't jump. I didn't feel like a dog, tail wagging and excited. I can't say what emotion I felt because it felt completely neutral, but I started tearing up anyway.

I fought it so hard. I was like damn I don't wanna cry rhrn that's crazy. Get it together girl!!! So I looked away! I curled in on myself a little! I bit my lip! Whatever! How do you prevent the Eye Mist?

It wasn't enough. She hit me with that "Oh... Grell... Sweetheart, don't cry," and that was it. Full tears. I was like 😭 I'm sorryyyyyy Im not TRYING tooooo!!! And then she had the audacity to be like "I wanna see that smile <3" like DAMN GIRL I WOULD TOO BUT NOW! I'm groveling at ur feet! FULL crying like a hair away from sobbing if Im generous to myself. Flung on the ground at her feet, bowing and apologizing. Half for crying at all I think, but if that wasn't the whole reason idk why I was. I guess bc I kinda... Yk... 🪚 but idk I don't think ab that much, nor did I ever think I regretted it (sorry girlie I haven't watched source in a hot min so maybe that'd change if I did)

Anyway. Now I can't stop thinking ab her. Sorry for the long dump I'm just a little frazzled

Sending love to all the Madam Reds out there ig!

Xox, Grell Sutcliff of Black Butler fame

x

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[weirdcat1213]

AJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJ HAPPY DAYS AJJAJAJAJA :D YEY TRIGUN BOOKCLUB :D

THOUGHTS :D

chap 1:

-happy days and everything is going to shit...yeap thats trigun

-i just noticed they have separated rooms and that makes me sad for some reason

-i love to see that rem was nice to everyone but was also getting annoyed by that guy, shes not perfect and I LOVE HER

-ngl, im not sure if the other guys did something

-its so cool to see the scientists joking around for a bit but then getting to see them in silence cuz IT IS a weird situation to be in. you are alone in space and something happened "on its own"..... It makes the situation more serious

-LMAO HER FACE I LOVE HER SM

-it hasnt even been that expanded in 98 (im sorry for the spoiler ig) or stampede (YET), but rem is so funny. shes more than a living saint and im glad we get to see more of her here. shes the only mom ever

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT

-also i thought knives *fixed* the thing, i forgot he caused it lmao

-arent they adorable? :3 pls dont touch them :3

-"it could end in disaster" you dont say....you dont say....

-NOT THEM SAYING YES IMMEDIATELY I WILL CRY

-BABY KNIVES WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU (ik what happened to him)

-"if you can love someone with all your heart then its alright".........im gonna take so time to think about that cuz....yeah, i guess thats true isnt it?

-oh that doesnt age wel...not even story wise but life wise....if we could only talk with each other

-ok so...is that a fucking ghost? and if it is, did she really appear when knives's faith in humanity was at its peak? really :c?

-OH ITS MY TIME TO GET SICK :D

-OK NO THATS SO INTERESTING CUZ HERE IS VASH WHO IS CURIOUS ABOUT TESLA AND WANTS TO READ THE REPORT BUT IN STAMPEDE (spoilers coming im sorry) IS KNIVES WHO WANTS TO READ IT. DID HE LOSE THIS FAITH *WAY EARLIER* THAN TRIMAX KNIVES??? HOW TF IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?????

-great....scientific....discovery.....you say......... so the scientists were ready for another tesla situation....

-pls no pls no pls no. you teach her how to speak and then you do that shit. stop

-by looking at the pictures and descriptions we can say that the scans began on her 13th day of life (multiple scans as the chapter mentions), and 87 DAYS LATER they started to ask themselves if that was correct to do from a moral standpoint...87 days. and just after they started to question themselves she started dying. just 10 days later...fuck

-"we have no desire to rest" WHAT ABOUT YOUR "SUBJECT" THO ASSHOLES

-its never not gonna make me sick how they killed a child in 100 days. thats all it took.

-ajjjj :c im fucking sick

chap 2:

-same vash same

-ily rem but no, thats too fucked up to forgive

-knives, my poor baby :c

-"i wish i could cut myself from everything too" oh mood, i mean what

-ok but rem trying to pick vash up and he refusing has to be so fucking heartbreaking for rem cuz thats her fucking child no matter what

-imagine your child who loved you so much rejecting you like that. i would literally shatter

-"you can continue the experiments with us" vash stfu i swear. catch me actually crying over that line btw im not ok

-INTERESTING how rem says she felt powerless (and i get why) but during the whole thing the crew had so much power over her life

-it fucks me up this is a one year old trying to die of starvation. yeah he looks older and etc etc but hes still less than 2 years old. life is pain. why nightow.

-also idk if im interpreting the panel right but i think he *was* going to eat but saw rem in his room so he stopped

-or are those different days? idk

-alright, today you are eating you sick son of a bitch :]

-NO STOP THAT YOU FUCKING CHILD

-the panel being blurry on purpose, 10/10

-hes sitting the same way rem did- oh im ending it all

-i feel kinda weird saying this but i just fucking love that story: the metaphor, how she tells it. it really feels like a parent trying to teach a kid something. its sad but feels comfy. i could literally read/listen to her telling that story of the train in her dreams over and over

-[pause for crying]

-its "separated ways" cuz that talk with rem lowkey divided rem i think. knives would be way different if he had heard what rem said. damn it why did he had to faint

chap 3

-"king of loneliness" pls i want to stop crying

-i know he didnt block the memory, i feel it

-yey creepy knives is here....yeyyy....

-amazing transition btw, gives me the yibbies every time

-HES RIGHT THO MF, YOU ARE AFRAID

-why he looks so cool while being creepy stop it knives stop it

-idk if im understanding it right, but i think knives did the thing he did in the first chapter but for all ships. it comes full circle

-god i hate when hes right

-im sad to say he looks beautiful and epic. also for the life of me i could not say if that plant agreed with him or not

-yknow what i think she didnt agree to that

-age of chaos wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :D

[i took a one day break cuz the volume made me too sad BUT IM BACK BABY]

chap 4

-yeah ig my baby has been to so many funerals if you think about it

-YEAH TO THE RESCUEEEEE

-wolfwood: you dont wanna mess with this guy he will break you

the guy in question: :c

-aw his cute little and stupid face :3

-i love to see vash having a good time :') god he needed that

-oh man we're getting sad again

-also yes they take those people who did whatever they did but the bartender is also taking vash in, even the demons get to drink there huh, nice

-why tf is this guy so wise, why is he saying what vash (kinda) needs to hear? amazing, im devastated

-wait so the feathers or whatever hurt??? because of the face he made. SO DOES IT HURT???? NO :C

-knives can you not-

-ITS HIM IN ALL OF HIS FUCKED UP GLORY :D

-SHUT UP VASH, GEESUS

-the final panel its so cute and then there's the fucking speech bubble that says "dumbass" its true tho xd

chap 5

-NOT THE FUCKING FEATHER i dont want to go there

-he looks so tired :c

-oh shit i forgot about that panel of his face wth

-OH SHIT WOLFWOOD NO

-OH THATS CREEPY AS HELL YO WHAT

-"the last thing i want to do is be a burden to him" STFU WOLFWOOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-SHES HERE OH SHIT OH SHIT

-"youre the one who needs to be careful" I WILL CHEW GLASS

-FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

-OH GOD OH NO ITS HIM GET OUTTTT

-elendira ily sm

-thank you wolfwood for saying trans rights lmao

-HES ASLEEP. KILL HIM VASH KILL HIM

-oh no his glasses :c

-ah fuck hes awake noooooooooooo

chap 6

-LEGATO IN THE METAL HANDBAG :D WHAT WILL HE DO

-dont you bring tesla into this >:[

-idk whats happening but KILL HIM

-*sigh* i hate when knives is right

-DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT AFTER STAMPEDE MF :C "if they come for us lets just run as fast as we can" YOU ARE MAKING IT SO HARD TO READ THIS MAN

-also yey he regained his eye :3

-:cccccccccccccccccccccc im so happy that talk was in stampede

-also yeah vash hates knives with a burning passion but EVEN THEN he still was willing to give him a chance and live together with him, i cant do this anymore really

-im picturing legato kind of jumping in his metal handbag to move around as if he was in a sleeping bag cuz i think thats way funnier lmao

-:cccccccccc vash pls

-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :c his armmmm

-oh geesus oh god no OH HELL NO

-ohhhhh i see. look at legato being useful lmao /J

-THE ARK IS HERE WOOP WOOP

well that was certainly a volume

[maiaacchiato]

woops my hand slipped

thinking thoughts

[aajjks]

no one listen to alina. vote jorja & y/n cus i’m sure the anon might follow the poll like last time (no offense anon 😭)

but here’s my intake on this:

i myself genuinely think they’re better apart than together. when they’re together it’s cute ngl. i was rooting for them but then that happened. i def got a bone to pick with y/n bcs WHY DF DID YOU NOT STAND UP FOR YOUR MAN?!!! i would’ve fucked yerin up 👊🏾 and as for JK why the hell would you punch an innocent man on the clock 😭 could’ve just snatch y/n up and fuss her out that way. idk how they would’ve talked about it beforehand if the party was a SURPRISE but you could’ve done that ig? both were wrong and i really felt bad for JK specifically like that really hurt my feelings when he left crying. matter of fact, make JK fall in love with me. i’ll treat him right 😂😂😂 (don’t tell TC!JK y’all. don’t want him to catch me cheating)

Honestly, I agree with you 100% but here’s my take on this situation.

See now tpol jk is someone who loves really hard but when you break his heart, he expects an apology and whenever he broke her heart or hurt her feelings, he worked really hard to make up for it and she made him work hard for it [and rightfully so] but he’s just a type of man to expect the same effort back.

He regrets getting chae pregnant. We all know that even if he was under the influence, he still feels guilty about it. And yn had a really big heart, and she accepted him and his son like her own.

I think that yn is very familiar with his possessiveness and his insecurity when it comes to seeing her with other men and it made me kind of upset that she didn’t defend him in front of yerin who keeps on insulting him by the way, and is always talking shit about their relationship, and she really has no right to do that, so he got hurt by that as well because he’s always protecting yn, even from his father, he literally killed his father because he hurt yn, he broke up with chae because he still had feelings for yn and she hurt her.

Honestly, I think that jk was 30% wrong because he punched an innocent stripper, but yn was 70% wrong for not defending him, and… she should’ve.. I think rejected the strippers advances because he did the same thing, and he expects the same from her.

And if he did as you just suggest that he would’ve just snatched her away and confronted her about it. I think that would’ve been a mistake because all of you would think that he’s very toxic and very rough with her and I didn’t want him to do that to her but I wanted him to confront that guy instead

And another thing I would like to point out because most of you guys are missing that point, is that yerin shouldn’t have posted that video on her story, she deliberately posted it knowing that it would bother yns fiancé a lot, and she knows him very very well. It’s like she wanted him to react that way to kind of prove that he’s not the right man for her best friend to yn and jorja.

She knew how he would react, but she still posted that video, knowing that he would see it 100% and how can you not expect him to react the way he did? And the way yerin called yn Jaemins maid? Like that was a low blow from her and honestly jungkook gave yn the biggest gift a woman could ever have and that is being a mother of someone or being called a mother. We all know he would never use yn for his own baby.

Yerin knew the consequences and I think yn was set up. Plus I think that his reaction was hundred percent correct, why does yerin interfere so much in the relationship like I don’t get her. He hates it when someone interferes in his relationship.

Yn was wrong in two things, and that was that she didn’t defend him and.. she just let him walk away like that. I think he deserves an apology from her and that he deserves to be with her because he’s done so much to have her, and they both belong together in my opinion.

The thing about yn is that she always walks away from him, or lets him walk away from her and never does anything, but.. she just gives up on him :/

Both are very toxic to each other. Even though jk takes more points for being toxic but you get it don’t you?

The real villain here is yerin.

[syfynjvall]

ok. Okok. i think i’ve got my jumbled up thoughts altogether so! here they are under the cut (and it won’t be spoiler free so heads up!)

N’s route: man… i think when i played i was on a “i havent seen these characters in years” goggles high, ie graduation goggles if you will, but now that im thinking on it, it wasn’t super erm. cohesive. like when you can choose to say ily early on but then if you dont and N says it later, theres no option to reciprocate? odd. also there is no conflict resolution for the argument, it’s just kinda brushed aside.

what i did like was that if you play with an equally romantic partner as n, they do have a bunch of nice little moments. i’ve seen ppl say they come off clingy but like. i didnt see it that way. to me it comes across as more just that they’re SO passionate and so focused about protecting everyone (as shown in the backstory) but i can see why it’s off putting to others

F route: very cute little moments w the detective, absolute dream of a partner if you ask me. them talking about their mom? ruined me a bit why lie. also the “you’re the most delicious thing i’ve tasted” oof. my pulse was weak lads

i didnt like that there wasnt an ily choice for them?? doesnt make sense to me??? out of all the routes i feel like their would have been the most natural place to have an ily, but i digress. anyway. F love and supremacy always

A route: mixed feelings for sure.. i did feel like some of it was a bit ooc or like, i was just getting mixed signals. they’d say one thing and then contradict it a paragraph later and i was like. huh. ok.

overall tho… i will be so real with you guys it was kind of delicious. dare i say it was maybe my favorite. ik some ppl thought it moved too fast and i can see that! but for me it’s really not /that/ fast. think about if you read a book series that’s 2 or 3 books and it’s a slowburn. usually the couple will admit their feelings by the end of the second book or smth. and it’s not like A actually expressed their feelings and then jumped into a relationship yk?? personally i found the “one kiss and i cant have you anymore, this is done, i can’t let myself feel this” absolutely scrumptious. the slowburn is still in action even tho they kissed to me! but ig why some ppl didnt love it. bonus; them crying outside the detectives door didn’t feel ooc to me either. they bottked up feelings for 900 years and then watched the person they love almost die like. three times. and then consequently shoved them away again so there’s no way they’d be able to keep all of THAT inside. walls r bound to break eventually. anyway i did think this route was inconsistent at times but generally. i had a blast w all that pain and suffering

M’s route: i still dont really know how i feel about this one tbh. i did like a lot of it: the bakery scene, the lil not date, the scene in the shower especially. to me that felt very natural, just like. intimate and personal without being too fast or whatever. big fan. might think about that for the rest of my life. also if you’re on verda’s route with m the dinner party scene was equal parts awkward and funny so that was fun. AND as meh and underwhelming as the auction was, them saying they were willing to give more for the detective than they ever thought… mwah. there were moments where M felt ooc but i think i liked half of it. probably 😭

overall like i said before.. plot wise it isnt very cohesive and it’s not very exciting, it felt more romance focused than plot focused which ig makes sense but? idk. i like the thrill

if you’ve stuck thru this whole essay you’re a saint. and drop more of your thoughts into my inbox bc im curious to know what yall are thinking!

[frozencheese]

It took me 7 years to find out why am I drawn towards melancholy!

Yes I got a hint around mid 2016 that i kinda like grief. I eventually forgot about it but around 2018 it was hence proved.

I thought maybe something is wrong with me. Like why would I like mourning or you know sadness? But i did like tho.

That's why I never searched about it, thinking I wouldn't get any answers or if I ask people will call me stupid!

During the lockdown, hearing all the news got me scared but it was kinda like peaceful? Idk tbh. But it was damn dangerous. I was scared of myself, my thoughts but I loved them at the same time?

I took a test, a yr ago or so, what you are made up of or smth like that, my results was- Melancholy! I found the explanation relatable & tbh i was happy that that thing, that word came for the result?! I took the screenshot of it.

Last month while going through my gallery, i found that ss and read it, again finding some kind of relief like yeah that's me! But then i tried stopping my thoughts, like no I don't wanna go back in that phase again! BUT I WANT TO! WHY? i was so confused ・⁠～⁠・

Recently I finally found the courage and wrote down all my feeling & thoughts & weird strange words which i feel like are mine! Or like I'm those! Like that's so me!

The words are : Melancholy, grief, death, gloomy, dark, heavy rain, thunder, black clouds, sadness, cry, pain, mourning, dense forest, white lotus.

There were many art forms which captured me as a whole but they were not bright or happy ones- i kinda find those boring no offense, I liked Vincent Van Gogh's work but after finding out the state he was in while he created those masterpieces, I loved them! Related to it like never before! No, I'm not crazy. Sorry not sorry but even i don't know why I'm like this cue the given screenshots!

And it's not like I'm all those words, no I'm much more than that and I love seeing people happy and think good for them too! This is just a part of me, my personality, which i hv never talked about before to anyone, as maybe i myself was ashamed of myself but ig it comes with being a highly sensitive emphatic introverted person:)

I don't remember what my personality type is but these above ss are of INFP & INFJ personality. But they have also mentioned that not all FP's & FJ's experience this, and many others do who are not FP's & FJ's.

P.s. I came to know a word like melancholy even exists in 2017 doing Merchent of Venice. So, thanks Shakespeare;)

[111raismess]

23/11 （´＿｀）

shitty ass day

notes: imma add a mentally/emotionally uhh title? idk youll know what im talking about once you see it wtv. everything i do is a cry for help

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────••─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────••─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

selfcare:

i did my morning skincare, i think, i dont really remember lol.

ate like crap today, ate too little at lunch, merendé like shit aswell, atleast i had a full dinner, kinda, im still a little hungry but i dont feel like cooking any longer. i didnt really have much apetite today, could be the fact that i woke up feeling like shit or my body simply didnt want to eat so much today, who knowss.

didnt shower, lotioned or drank water, maybe tomorrow.

also i havent exercised in two days, might do it tonight if i dont fall asleep soon. makes me feel bad if i dont, i noticed.

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

daylife (imma keep it like that) :

fell asleep at like 4 am and woke up at 11-12. not soo bad like yesterday but still, i need to fix my sleep schedule..

i deepcleaned my room, the floor in my room hasnt seen a mop in like a year, kinda yucky but idc. my back hurts now ˙◠˙

played the guitar today for a few minutes!! i havent picked it up in months, im trying to learn bulls in the bronx with my guy stuart.

after that i took a nap, then i wonder why im not sleepy at this hour.

didnt leave the house today but since i kept myself busy i didnt feel like i was missing out on life or whatever.

despite having the worst motivation today, i didnt rot in bed and i also cooked dinner for me today, guess i feel happy about that. i really didnt feel like doing anything today, im proud (˶◜ᵕ◝˶)

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

emotionally/mentally:

woke up feeling like shit for no reason, if i didnt have the will to not go back into the depression hole i would have stayed all day in bed and asleep. still, i distracted myself most of the day but right now that im not doing anything, i feel like shit again, i want to cry but i cant, time to watch a silent voice again hehe. i feel like im distancing myself from my friends lately even tho i know thats not true, everything is literally the same and fine. i also feel anxious abt next year, i dont know if ill be with my friends at school, i really dont want to go back to being alone, i really really dont, i dont know what to do abt that, guess ill just have to wait and see, maybe i get some new friends or something, i dont know, dont want to think abt it that much, feels horrible. its really funny because yesterday i felt fine, felt happy, normal idk, i dont get why i feel like this today.. whatever, itll pass and whatever happens next year ill be alright, it wont be the end of the world, i still have things to look up for ig.

⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆ ∙ ∘ ✧ ∘ ⋅ ⋆

wtv this is:

i dont really feel like writing or making this thing look pretty today. im currently rewatching mha, i really want to see season 5 bc its where i left it a few years back, im at the end of season 4 but i really REALLY dislike the episodes with gentle and.. endeavor.. (≖_≖), and kinda the whole season altogether, cant believe its taking me weeks to finish it.. i just want to see katsuki in his winter costume fufufu (๑•́ -•̀)

song of the day or wtv idk:

this is seriously a cry for help atp

[randomcontentdude]

So, no sucess. I knew there was a chance of failure from the beginning and I was willing to take it because I just knew the reward would be worth it in case of success. Well, the odds were against me.

I feel like an absolute joke, I feel like I read too much into it but I also feel I didn't, and im just going a bit crazy but I don't want to think about this anymore, I want to read this and forget about it, I wanted to cry, then I wanted to puke, then I just felt extremely stupid.

So if you want facts here's some facts: I told him that I went to said rave on Saturday and he said he had a ticket but didn't go for many reasons amongst them that there was this guy he was kinda seeing there, and I just felt like my world fell apart in that exact moment. I felt an overwhelming heat covering my body, I started sweating and went non verbal for a bit, I felt humiliated.

Before leaving I asked about it and he was like "yeah well is nothing too serious" and the I went like "well that kinda sucks cause I sorta wanted to invite you out" and then he proceeded to explain how he wasn't really out for anything cause he was unsure of what he was going to be doing in a few months and idk if I should buy it but I was just telling my mom there's no point in trying to figure out a deeper meaning, you just torture yourself and the result won't change, so I choose to live in ignorance and happiness and take everything he said at face value. I appreciate that he didn't try to take advantage of the situation. He just said we will see each other at climbing at that we can hang out like that but not much more.

Idk how to feel, I am upset for sure, I am very tired, I have barely eaten anything today but I just wanna go to bed right now. I can go and say to myself that he didn't seem to have his life sorted the way I did and that maybe we were not a good match, but honestly, thats just lying to myself, I wouldn't have cared if this went out fine. Ig it is what it is.

Idk how to proceed with this around my social circle neither, I was cautious with the people I've told about this but now I have to tell them is done, and I don't feel like doing that, and I am just very upset and idk what to say or who to talk to because I am just a hundred percent sure no one is gonna say what I want to hear, and I don't need to hear anything, I know how to deal with this and I know I will get better, it just sucks.

Lastly, at first I felt good this wasn't affecting the way I feel about myself, I look pretty, I look fitter than I've ever looked, I am the healthiest, I am smart and I am focused on my future. But I truly can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me? why can't I ever have it my way.

[ruminate88]

healing journal 07/05/24: progress or forever tormented ??

Okay there’s a lot I’ve been thinking and processing this week. I was triggered really bad one evening but quickly got over it. Then it’s a little confusing because my husband stresses real bad about money and acted like we’re broke, telling me we have to start saving and can’t spend anymore money but yet yesterday, he’s dropping all kinds of money on me. It was a huge day for me. My husband took me to kings island!!! The one place Andrew and I always talked about going together but yet Andrew took someone else right after I broke up with him AND posted pictures of them together on his IG. Such a stab in my back. I didn’t think I’d ever go back to Kings island after that…

so when my husband wanted to go yesterday, I thought, “oh. Yes, I should totally go and confront my feelings.”(although I was surprised he wanted to spend the money) It was both an amazing day and yet the WHOLE day I’m looking for Andrew’s face in every guy I see there. I’m just tormented by that. I wanted to bump into him there and YET I know if I did, I would cry…. I know I would always be upset if I saw him. Ugh, but yet I almost wanted Andrew to see me there having a good time with my husband and see how well I’m actually doing since he first met me.

I had moments yesterday where I actually felt super connected to my husband and felt respected and loved. My husband was just making it a fun day and spending money on us that I didn’t know why…. Just the night before, he’s crying we dont have money. What’s that all about anyway???? I keep telling myself my husband’s love language is giving gifts and that it was the 4th, so he wanted to do fun stuff. I just, idk. It’s confusing but nothing compares to the confusion Andrew caused me. 😢

The fact I had moments yesterday where I actually felt connected to my husband, made me very emotional and feel really really good. I was excited and trying to tell myself I’m over andrew and that I have a very healthy and wonderful marriage that Andrew can’t touch or shake. I’m planted strong with my husband but yet Andrew is on my freakin mind 24/7!!!!!!! It’s annoying and exhausting. Having to convince myself I feel nothing for Andrew is VERY alarming to me. Why do I have to overthink so much about my life and my relationships?? Andrew should not get any space in my head…

but I keep telling myself he was abusive and that’s why he is on my mind so much cuz I’m healing from him… I’m frustrated cuz I CAN feel so connected but then BOOM, I’m disconnected again. Andrew consumes my thoughts so much I wanna pull my hair out. Not just Andrew, I see Cody EVEYWHERE!!! I don’t think about Cody the way I do Andrew but I see him… I feel forever haunted and tormented by those two. 😓😢😭💔 When does it get better ????? ❤️‍🩹

[mellow-worlds]

I have been crying a lot lately. I guess because change is scary, but I don't really know how to describe my emotions.

L isn't here today. I ate with mother and sister. I cried because of my mother today. I decided I won't ever talk to her again, verbally. Never, of course, is an overstatement, I know I'll probably do it soon enough. But it's ok that I'm angry, right? I can hold a grudge? I can be mad at the person who treats me like a child, who never listens to me, who asks me if I've even said anything, who told me to move out when I hadn't even finished school yet, who makes me miserable and feel watched and judged when I'm in the same room with her.

I had this great conversation with L the other day. I love him so dearly. He said it's ok not to be liked and it's ok not to like someone. I think it's ok that I don't like my mother. It's ok that she thinks of me as a child and idk whatever it is she tihnks of me, but it isn't ok that she treats me the way she does. The way I treat her isn't ok, either, but I don't know how to change it, I just can't. I don't want to live with her anymore but I kind of have to and I'm so hurt. Thinking about her sitting in the living room makes me feel awful already. I hate being in the same room as her, I shouldn't have to live in the same house as her. I want to die and I don't want to want to die and I'm just saying that because I am kind of spiralling with my words and me writing this out might make me feel worse about it, but not really, right? It's fgood to air out these emotions. It's ok that I can hear my mother doing things in the kitchen. It's ok if I want to go there to eat something, she won't be there forever. I don't have to listen to her when she doesn't listen to me.

I think I will find a way to be ok. I will move out eventually, right? And living with her right now is temporary, I have dealt with it so long, I can deal with it some more.

I wish L was here so I could tell him about everything. How my mother took us away from our father and our country to then later tell me to go live with him when I was 16, she told me to move out and to get away from her because she couldn't bear seeing me like that. That I once had a conversation with her, actually many, many conversations like that, where she told me about all of my flaws and all the things I do wrong and I kind of collapsed onto the floor because I couldn't handle it anymore. How she treats me like a child and never listens to me. How I still think about if I'm wearing short sleeves around her because she thanked me once for doing so so she could monitor I wasn't cutting myself. How I hate eating in her vicinity because she knows I had an ed and I feel watched. How I feel watched whenever I'm in the same room as her and how I can't act normally around her because she won't treat me normally.

Idk?

Idkkk she doesn't even do that much yet I resent her for everything.

Idk.

I want to tell him about the book my father gifted me where the protagonist's father killed himself and about how my father said it also felt like I had lost him, back then when my mother dragged us away and never gave us a choice.

I want to tell L about how much I hurt but I feel like it's not fair.

I started crying again. I don't want to push down my emotions, but why did I start crying again? I need to feel this,, ig. I feel like I'm wasting my time, Idk what to do. I never did anything and i'll never accomplish anything. Maybe that's somethign I don't need to worry about rn. Maybe all I need to do is grab a btie to eat, ignore my mother, and listen to that song L sent me. I want to do that. I want to feel ok. I think I will.

It's ok if I don't accomplish anything, I am so young. I will eventually, probably, do something I am happy with.

i feel a little bettrer now. its ok that i didnt feel so good.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

[journalofsorts2]

i try to be really articulate when it comes to my negative emotions because they're easy to explain, there's an easy cause and effect. like, my mom fat shamed me growing up, so i'm insecure about my weight. i got bullied growing up (not just at home), and so i have a hard time making friends. easy cause and effects. but with positive emotions it's so hard to explain the effect. i can name causes easily, i like the rain, i love stuffed bears, i love all these different cartoons, i love art. but i can't name the effect of the positive emotions these things illicit in me. and half the time i can't name the cause that makes me feel this way. like with rain, i grew up in a desert and rain didn't happen that often, and when it did, it wasn't for that long, so whenever it rains it feels like a special occasion. but i have no clue why i like stuffed bears. i don't know why i have a collection of them sitting on my shelf, i just know that they make me happy. and i don't like this, i don't like the not knowing. it's about me, i should know, these are my emotions, why don't i get to understand them completely? and what do i do with them? when i'm sad i cry, when i'm angry i hurt myself or objects around me, but when i'm happy? what do i do then? i mean, i have a few happy stims but they don't come out that often because i got really good at masking at a young age y'know? but besides that, there's nothing to do with my happiness. it just sits in me just balled up in my throat and i can't get it out unless i wash it down with tears or pull it out with angry hands. it's bad to bottle up your emotions, but when people say that they usually mean negative ones, but i feel like i've been bottling up my happiness. i don't know what to do with it. it's confusing and i don't understand why i feel this way and i don't like it. like okay, here's an example, the thing that inspired this post. steven universe means a lot to me. i watched it when i was younger and it's like steven grew up with me. i really fucking enjoyed that show, and for all it's flaws, it's an amazing piece of work. it means so much to me and i don't know how to express that. i don't understand why it means so much to me, i don't understand why i cried when it ended, i don't understand why it makes all my words ball up in my throat. i don't get it. and i think the reason i don't get it is because happiness isn't a regular to me. growing up in an abusive household means i get really familiar with being sad and angry as a kid. but i don't get really familiar with being happy. happy was rare. maybe i was content a lot, but actually being happy was rare. and so i didn't get to dissect it like everything else i feel. i just let it happen. and now, as that abusive space is fading away, i get to be happy more, i get to feel this more, but i don't understand how to dissect it yet. and that's confusing. i don't get it and i don't like not getting it. one thing i always had control over was why i felt something. i'm not saying i had control over my emotions, but i always got to understand the true reason why i was feeling what i was feeling. other people assumed they knew the reason but they didn't and i got to relish in the fact that i did know. and now i'm feeling happy more often and i don't get that why anymore. i don't like it. i don't like it at all. i want that control over myself back. i want that why back. as annoying as it is to dissect myself like this, i take a certain comfort in knowing the why. but i don't get that with positive emotions and i don't enjoy it at all. idk if this made any sense. i'm tired, late night ramblings ig. rant over