#why did he have to get a worse version when he took the injection thing

[heroes-memes]

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

Rejected soulmate au but I made it worse instead of better

Danny, instead of just leaving, instead snaps and commits a series of murders as Phantom, rampaging across the city. His first victims were his parents who he mauled to death, then Vlad, then his so called "friends". Once he came out of the green rage induced fog he realized what he had done and sobbed somewhere in the woods around Amity.

He knew that the GIW would arrive soon, and well, he's already in this deep and he can't just let a government agency that hell bent on genocide and conquering/expirementing on the entities of an entire dimension do as they please so he takes his hanger out on them as he's always wanted.

Hes so glad Jazz is away for collage. She's safe from them. Safe from him.

Its a wonder Clockwork didn't try to talk to him. He probably knew it wouldn't do any good, and Danny is technically of the living and Clockwork isn't allowed to harm the living or control them, only influence them into taking different paths. Hence why he did the time freeze/rewind fiasco when Danny attacked him at the clock tower when he was 14. He wasn't allowed to actually fight him and honestly at that point Clockwork didn't need to. But now Danny had that time medallion in his chest courtesy of his alternate evil future self and Clockwork couldn't do anything.

Danny was 16 and far too powerful for the master of time to take on.

Danny demolishes the GIW like he was playing Doomed on the easiest setting. It was laughable how quickly they went down and Danny found himself enjoying it.

He always had to tamp down that feeling. That vicious glee he got whenever he took vengeance on someone who wronged him. It had always been a thought in the back of his mind that he may have been inherently evil at heart and that he would turn to the dark side eventually.

He wouldn't be like the fusion of himself and Vlad though. That was just a mildless monster destroying everything in its path. What was even the point of that? For all the darkness in his heart, he couldn't see that as anything other that sheer stupidity. He assumed it was Vlads half. The only thing the creep was ever good at was dragging everyone around him down.

Danny packs up and activates the Fenton houses Baba Yaga Protocal, causing his childhood home to grow legs and literally walk away. He eventually managed to find all of Vlads secret labs and treasure stashes, raiding all of them and stripping them of everything they had to offer.

Then he went to find his soulmates dimension in the comfort and convenience of a newer and crazier version of howls moving castle. He had no plans on harming them per say, but he wanted to know why. Why reject a soulmate you hadn't even met before? A person who either platonically or romantically is your perfect match and can understand you better than anyone.

Danny himself suffered immensely throughout his childhood. His parents mental and emotion manipulation and neglect had left Danny longing for thier praise and attention but also left him feeling hollow and confused. Being the children of Evil mad scientists made it difficult to be friends with anyone. Even if the kids weren't weirded out by them, the parents of those kids would tell them that they weren't allowed to play with him or Jazz in fear for thier safety.

Rumors about the Fenton parents experimenting on thier children eventually reached thier ears. That was when he realized that other parents didn't give them twice daily injections of ectoplasm into thier bloodstream.

Im lazy but heres more:

1. Danny as a kid 9-12 realized that Sam and Tucker were crappy friends. Sam often tried to chase away any other girls that tried to talk to Danny for any reason (she was getting better) and often was controlling or patronizing to him while using her parents wealth to get what she wanted. Whether she realized it or not, she was actually a lot like them.

Tucker, Danny decided, secretly hated him and had straight up admitted before that he only became friends with Danny to steal the cool tech from his parents lab, which Danny had allowed and risked getting hurt by his parents to make his friend happy. Tucker was always jealous of Danny, stating that Tuckers own life was plain and boring while Dannys was like the protagonist of an anime. Tucker was quiet about it, but Danny saw how much the other boy enjoyed seeing him fail.

He tried to hang out with his big sister more, cause she could understand and she loved him, right? He was standing outside her door again with his favorite ball (it had the constellation Pegasus on it!) and raised his hand to knock on her door when he heard her groan loudly.

He knew he wasn't supposed to eavesdrop but he put his ear to the door anyway. Curiosity had always been his greatest weakness. On the other side she was talking on the phone. To who he had no idea cause Jazz didn't have friends, but she was complaining about mom and dad and...him. she told her phone friend that she loved him, but only out of obligation. She was his sister and she had to care about him, even if she didn't want to.

Danny didn't understand. She had just said she loved him so why did his heart hurt so much?

He went back to playing with Sam and Tucker. They were what he had, even if he didn't like them, he could lie to himself and tell himself that he did. Just like with mommy and daddy.

If he keeps telling himself that he loves them than he will. If he keeps telling himself that they love him then they will.

Dannys always been good at lying to himself.

Still, the soulmark on his arm remained. It was a vague promise of a light at the end of the tunnel. A dream that someone would show him what real love was like and they would sweep him off his feet and take him far far away from this place.

So why...

2. Phantom doesn't make a name for himself in this new dimension right away. Yeah he had all this treasure he stole from Vlad but treasure isn't money and he had no idea if money from his dimension would even be valid what with all the protections the us had on thier bills to make it difficult for people to make fakes.

Selling gold bars and the like was easier said than done, especially if you actually wanted a fair price for it, and he'd rather have a hoard stashed away for his later plans to more easily take shape.

3. Phantom was an excellent thief, even without his powers, but hes in too early to be arrogant and this world was filled with super-powered villians and heros alike, all trying to make a name for themselves.

He refused to be anyones stepping stool to something greater. Not anymore.

Danny was as cunning as he was skilled. He disguised himself in seedy bars, talking up whatever heist he had made recently, saying whatever thief had pulled that off must have been the greatest, sometimes he ever went dressed as a swooning girl for the extra oomph.

It usually worked and some meat head would take credit for his crimes. Word would sometimes conveniently make its way to the cops and if Danny was really lucky the poor sucker would actually go down for his crimes.

All to muddy the waters. Its harder to connect all these crimes to him when half of them have convictions and the other half have nothing linking them together <3

4. Danny needed minions but he didn't want to tell them anything. He wasn't in the position to start recruiting younger supervillians into his army yet. That was much later in the plan.

No, he needed a mercenary. One who didn't ask questions.

Mr. Deathstroke came with great recommendations and had a great track record for getting whatever contract he had completed and he had a vendetta of some sort against the Teen Titans and Young Justice.

Yeah, he was a bit fruitloopy but he seemed perfect for the job he had in mind.

Danny would keep Deathstroke at a distance of course. He was a mercenary, a hired gun, not his friend. Some one else could easily hire him to get information about Phantom or worse, hire him to attack or capture Phantom.

No the only thing tall, dark and scary was getting from him was the money owed to him in the contract. Money he now had plenty of.

5. Danny never really considered that he would have to compete with other thieves.

He had made sure to steer clear of places like Gotham and Metropolis because of the heros there who always stopped thieves and revealed their identities. Danny didn't need that, no thank you.

But as he was doing one of his heists, the third one this month and the one he planned on sticking the blame onto another poor sap-freaking Catwoman ran into the room with a sphinx carved of some precious stone and Batman not far behind.

Batman locked eyes with him for only a moment, cowl meeting domino for a split second, and Phantom knew he had been found out. This wasn't Gotham. He had no idea how they had gotten here or when but Danny wasn't naive enough to think the worlds greatest detective wouldn't be on his tail after he saw Phantoms arms drapped in the "priceless artifacts" from the India section.

They very much had a price. His buyer had paid a hefty chunk in advance.

Catwoman, who Danny had silently sworn vengeance against, kicked Batman away from her mid brawl and launching him in the direction Phanton was escaping.

Crud. It was time to fight and he was so not happy about it. Danny did manage to get away with the use of his electric powers. Turns out leaving the lower half of your face exposed is a bad idea, especially if your opponent knows Thunder Punch.

He used an EMP pulse as he ran to fry any cameras and Batmans equipment before heading down the hallway and through a few walls. He turned invisible once he was far enough away and flew off into the night with his prize.

This buyer better not backstabbing him. He's in no mood to play nice tonight.

[chipped-chimera]

Stumbled on this - so for anyone out of the loop part of Reddit blowing up last year was because it was making use of it's API prohibitively expensive for the average person to use, killing off a lot of (superior) third party apps used to both browse and moderate the platform on mobile.

I don't know if it was stated explicitly at the time, but for me the writing was on the wall - this was purely to fence off Reddit's data from being trawled by web scraping bots - exactly the same thing Elon Musk did when he took over Twitter so he could wall off that data for his own AI development.

So it comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that with Reddit's IPO filing, AI and LLM (Large Language Models) are mentioned SEVERAL times. This is all to tempt a public buyer.

What they do acknowledge though, which is why this video is titled 'Reddit's Trojan Horse' is the fact that while initially this might work and be worth a lot - as the use of AI grows, so will the likelihood that AI generated content being passed off as 'human generated' on the platform will grow - essentially nulling the value of having a user-generated dataset, if not actively MAKING IT WORSE.

As stated in the video - it's widely known that feeding AI content into an AI causes 'model collapse', or complete degeneration into gibberish and 'hallucinations'. This goes for both LLM's and Image Generation AI.

Now given current estimates that 90% of the internet's content will be AI generated by 2026 that means most of the internet is going to turn into a potential minefield for web-scraping content to shove into a training dataset, because now you have to really start paying attention what your bot is sucking up - because lets face it, no one is really going to look at what is in that dataset because it's simply too huge (unless you're one of those poor people in Kenya being paid jack shit to basically weed out the most disgusting and likely traumatizing content from a massive dataset).

What I know about current web-scraping, is OpenAI at least has built it's bot to recognize AI generated image content and exclude it from the scrape. An early version of image protection on the side of Artists was something like this - it basically injected a little bit of data to make the bot think it was AI generated and leave it alone. Now of course we have Nightshade and Glaze, which actively work against training the model and 'poison' the dataset, making Model Collapse worse.

So right now, the best way to protect your images (and I mean all images you post online publicly, not just art) from being scraped is to Glaze/Nightshade them, because either these bots will likely be programmed to avoid them - but if not, good news! You poisoned the dataset.

What I was kind of stumped on is Language Models. While feeding AI LLM's their own data also causes Model Collapse, it's harder to understand why. With an image it makes sense - it's all 1's and 0's to a machine, and there is some underlying pattern within that data which gets further reinforced and contributes to the Model Collapse. But with text?

You can't really Nightshade/Glaze text.

Or can you?

Much like with images, there is clearly something about the way a LLM chooses words and letters that has a similar pattern that when reinforced contributes to this Model Collapse. It may read perfectly fine to us, but in a way that text is poisoned for the AI. There's talk of trying to figure out a way to 'watermark' generated text, but probably won't figure that one out any time soon given they're not really sure how it's happening in the first place. But AI has turned into a global arms race of development, they need data and they need it yesterday.

For those who want to disrupt LLM's, I have a proposal - get your AI to reword your shit. Just a bit. Just enough, that it's got this pattern injected.

These companies have basically opened Pandora's Box to the internet before even knowing this would be a problem - they were too focused on getting money (surprise! It's capitalism again). And well, Karma's about to be a massive bitch to them for rushing it out the door and stealing a metric fucktonne of data without permission.

If they want good data? They will have to come to the people who hold the good data, in it's untarnished, pure form.

I don't know how accurate this language poisoning method could be, I'm just spitballing hypotheticals here based on the stuff I know and current commentary in AI tech spaces. Either way, the tables are gonna turn soon.

So hang in there. Don't let corpos convince you that you don't have control here - you soon will have a lot of control. Trap the absolute fuck out of everything you post online, let it become a literal minefield for them.

Let them get desperate. And if they want good data? Well they're just going to have to pay for it like they should have done in the first place.

Fuck corpos. Poison the machine. Give them nothing for free.

[jayde-jots]

Okay, so my favorite concept from the rottmnt fandom is future Leo, I just love the idea of a future version of a character just stuck in the present of the show. And goddam it, I freaking loved his short dynamic we see with him and Casey, the poor boy just lost his dad right in front of his eyes before seeing a younger version of him and have the literal fate of the world on his shoulders. I've been reading a lot of @somerandomdudelmao and @threestripeslider 's fanfics and comics and I just freaking die of cuteness whenever I see Casey and dada Leo together. So I had an idea... ....What if Casey was mutated into a slider like Leo? Hears how I imagen a story going down- It's a few years before the resistance is wiped out, Casey I think was 17 in the movie? So let's make him 16 by the time of his mutation. Casey and a scouting group are digging through the old former subway systems of New York for metal and wires as well as the old sewers for bunkers or hideouts, Casey walks further down an old tunnel and thinks he notices a pocket that he could crawl through, he uses his hockey stick to knock it down a bit when a swarm of ooze-squito's come flying out. Case swats most of them away which tend to ignore him until the last few come lazily hovering out. Case had never seen these bugs before so he thought nothing of them and walked back to the group, unbeknownst to him however, one of the last weaker bugs crawls under his cape to keep warm, having been in hibernation from the previous winter. Later that night, Casey is fast asleep when he wakes up to a sharp pain in his neck. He swats at the pain thinking a rat maybe bite him when he checks his palm to see a squished bug smeared on it. He wipes away the gunk but has trouble falling back asleep as he feels really hot and like his skin and chest are on fire. So he gets up and gets his sensei. Future Leo is rather concerned since even without a thermometer Casey was boiling to the touch, so he sits him down on a bed and gets a few ice packs for the boy, but as Leo is gone Casey starts to feel worse, breathing heavily and beginning to get all sorts of aches everywhere. When the old turtle comes back he sees Casey lying on his back rasping for air and starting to well tears up. Leo goes into full "figure this kid out right the f now" mode and strips him of his armor and clothing, he's worried to see Casey's whole body burning up and his body trembling from pain. Leo sets up a tub of cool water and sets Case into it and slowly adds ice to it as he calls Mikey and Donnie to get to him now. When they both get there Donnie is instantly on it trying to scan Casey and see what is wrong. The soft shell is both amazed and mortified when he reads the results. Casey has such a small amount of mutagen in his system that instead of transforming him instantly, he's transforming very, very slowly, so that's why he's burning up and having so much pain. Donnie figures out the source when he finds half of an ooze-squito's needle in the boy's neck, he concludes Casey must have smacked the bug before it could finish injecting him. But that now leaves the poor boy in a lot of pain and in for a very rough night. The group at least knew what Casey should be turning into since Leo was the last person he touched. The rest of the night Leo stayed up to keep an eye on Case as the kid slipped in and out of sleep and went from hot sweats to cold sweats like the flip of a switch, things especially got agonizing as the shell grew in. Spine curling and ripping away from muscle and skin as organs shifted under expanding ribs and growing plastron. When the day finally broke, Casey woke up to find himself on a bed resting in his sensei's lap wrapped in a towel. The young new mutant instantly felt cold and his shivers are what woke Leo up. Leo was relieved to see the change seemed finally over and Case wasn't in pain anymore, but he did seem to be cold. So with a hushed aura around the room, Leo got up and took the damp towel away from the younger slider, giving Casey a chance to see his new body.

Casey was surprised to see he had green hardened skin with yellow stripes everywhere, three-fingered hands, two-toed feet, and a very heavy shell. He managed to swing his legs over the bed and tried to lean forward to shimmy off the bed but he instantly came off balance and nearly fell forward if it wasn't for Leo quickly catching him in a fluffy blanket. Case was draped with a blanket over his back as Leo helped him to his feet and steadied him, hugging him to his side as they walked out to see the others. Draxum gave Casey a mystic yokai charm to disguise him as human should he want it, Case took it for the time being so he could still get some work done without having his balance thrown off, but Leo didn't let him get away with not practicing how to be a turtle. Cut to the time portal time, and as a quick reflex, Casey takes off his charm and quickly yanks his sensei through the time portal with him as they're sent to the future. Case's charm is lost in the future, unfortunately, but after the whole Kraang situation, I imagen Draxum makes him a new one.

[firstaidspray]

OKAY FINISHED THE GAME. Some thoughts below, spoilers ofc

- Luis was THE BEST. Even better than the original!! He was so funny and snarky and I think it's so funny how much he annoyed Leon LMAOOOO. Also UNTIL THE WALLPAPERS PEEL goddamn

- Also irt Luis- his death can be salvaged!! This moves into my next point which is a personal thing

- So I have an RE4 specific oc named Cereza. She's a scientist who worked on the plaga shit with Luis and fell in love with him there, however she was also in a sorta forced relationship with Krauser since he's the one who started training her to fight "for Saddler" and ultimately inject herself with a dominant plaga alongside him. Her "love" for him was mostly just fear that he'd kill her if she defied him and sexual attraction. Not really true love.

She betrayed him anyway, and often snuck away to be with her true love, Luis. Cereza was also in on the plan with Luis and Ada, giving her an excuse to not inject the plaga and also to escape Krauser.

So with this new Ending for Luis, Krauser being the one to deal a mortal wound, brings in opportunity for Cereza to hate and want to leave Krauser for good. So I think I'll have split timeliness with her- original timeline where she also injects the plaga bc Krauser makes her and becomes a monster which Ada kills, new timeline where she rushes to Luis's aid after following Krauser, and saving him and they live happily ever after bla bla blah. Anyways that's enough of my oc garbage back to the game

- I loved Ada's portrayal, a huge step up from RE2make (I disliked that portrayal of Ada). Also her outfit is now the best Ada look in history. Her voice is also sexy idk why people don't like it.

- Leon and Ashley were so cute, I like their relationship much more here. They seem closer and he seems to respect her more than in the original. It felt like Leon actually cared for her and it wasn't just a mission, where the original made Leon act like Ashley was just a mission objective in comparison.

- MERCHANT MERCHANT MERCHANT. Oh I love the Merchant. Even little 11 year old me was so charmed by him in his original version, and I love him even more here. His lines are so funny and I like the ones that reference the original. I feel you looking at me weird for my little crush on the Merchant. Please. Don't act like I haven't desired worse characters.

- Speaking of, the TREASURES!! Some being in the same spot as the original made me so happy, and I like that we can choose which jewels to inlay in the objects. The new treasures are also very beautiful!!

- Like that we got some context for Operation Javier in game while in original, we got little to no context other than Krauser and Leon were there and Krauser was mad. So I like that we got context and history between them.

- KRAUSER TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF WOOOOOOOO I was sosososo scared they'd hide his beautiful fat tits from us

- Salazar boss fight was SO EASY like the original sucked ass and made me wanna break my ps2 but this one was an improvement. Didn't like human Salazar's design tho he looked like a mean old lady that would yell at me for getting her meds at the nursing home even if she wasn't my assigned patient

- The little side quest things were fun!! I only completed all of the blue medallion ones and most of the rat ones bc I got tired near the end lol but I tried to get as many as I could.

- Ashley's segment was SO GOOD. Actually kept me anxious with those fuckin knights

- The jet ski segment not insta-killing you for hitting an object was a GODSEND, so it was actually very fun this time. Similarly the mine cart segment with Luis was super entertaining!!

- HEY THAT DOG!! The dog was back!! And so cute as usual. I would be pissed if it didn't show up.

- The first time I got game over in the game was when there's the brief pursuer section with Big Cheese and it was because he kidnapped Ashley. The second was because I did not listen to Luis and switch the tracks on the mine cart lmao

- Regenerators were so lumpy and jiggly I couldn't even be scared they made me laugh

- Sad to see some funny things not happen. Like when Leon chokes Ada bc of the plaga I'm sorry that shits so funny. Or the noise that original Garrador made I missed that

And that's all I can think of rn. Anyways 10/10 great remake great game in general 👍

[heliads]

Hi. I didn’t know if I could get a Liam Dunbar fic where the reader is Stiles little sister and her and Liam were dating before he was turned, but stiles has a fit about them dating after because Liam accidentally scratched her (or something similar) before he could get himself under control and Stiles makes them break up, but the reader & Liam are so miserable without each other and Liam is hard to get under control because the reader is his anchor or even his mate maybe, and Stiles ends up just giving up and letting them get back together because the reader is like she loves Liam so much and they basically need each other.

when is stiles not causing problems let's be real

masterlist

It is funny how love can convince you that you are so much better than you truly are. Liam Dunbar has always been some version of a monster, yet he deluded himself into thinking otherwise because of one girl. One girl. That’s all it took.

Now that he’s alone, Liam’s downfall feels even more severe than earlier. It’s strange to picture himself as the boy he’d been before all of this, before the worst mistake he’d ever made in his life, before he even received the bite and his world changed forever. Before he’d started dating Y/N. He’d thought he’d been a monster then, but he’s just proved himself wrong. Whatever Liam has become is far worse than that ever was.

Back then, Liam thought he knew what it was like to be alone. He had been recently kicked out of Devenford Prep for letting his anger get the best of him. Liam can still see the disappointed faces of his mother and stepfather lurking somewhere in the back of his mind. They’d tried so hard with him, and he’d let them down anyway. It felt like he would never get that anger under control. He’d always be that kid no one wanted to see, the one with pure, hot rage boiling under his skin like it had been injected there instead of blood.

Liam had fully accepted that his life would be hell. Even with a lacrosse team no longer featuring Brett Talbot, Beacon Hills High School didn’t feel like home. It was just another demotion, yet one more sign that Liam wasn’t cut out for reality. He would never be able to pull himself together long enough to make anything last.

When he met Y/N, Liam wanted to hide. For the first time, there was a pretty girl in front of him, smiling at him like he was someone she genuinely wanted to know. Liam walked away from that initial meeting more terrified than he had been in a long time. He wanted to do better, not for him or his parents or the dreams he probably should have had, but for her, some stranger he’d met all of ten minutes ago.

It scared him enough that he tried to avoid her. Liam is used to good things, they always leave. Always. There was no chance that things would work out, he has never been able to stay away from the breaking and shattering of all good parts of his life. It was like he could see their story unfolding before him, all the twists and turns, the ups and downs. The ending was right there in sight, and the glory of all that came before it made that final parting of ways all the worse.

That’s why Liam swore to himself that he’d stop it, maybe find a way to prevent at least one heartbreak in a string of thousands. Leaving Y/N would cut to the bone, he could tell that already. It would have been best if he could have just gotten off of the ride instead of sticking through to the crash and burn, but he never had a choice, not really.

After all, Y/N had made the choice far before he ever did. According to her, she took one look at a young Liam Dunbar and decided that he was the only boy she would ever need. Y/N went home that night and came back for lacrosse practices and history reviews and everything that would set her up to make sure Liam could never truly stay away from her for long. She wanted him, and Liam was so used to being everyone’s last choice that it stunned him into admitting his feelings before he could back out of it.

Their relationship had been hard at first, of course. For one thing, Y/N wasn’t just some nameless kids amongst the masses of students at Beacon Hills High, she was a Stilinski. Stiles Stilinski is the most paranoid kid Liam has ever met. 

He half expects the guy to run a conspiracy theory podcast of something, anything to explain why the older boy jumped at the slightest of sounds and automatically distrusted everyone who crossed his path. Apparently, there’d been an incident earlier with a Nogitsune that messed Stiles up pretty badly, but Liam hadn’t known it then.

All he knew was that he’d barely been dating Y/N for longer than a week before her older brother was suddenly descending upon him with all the fury of the heavens. Liam may have been running literal laps around Stiles at lacrosse practice for months, but you wouldn’t know it from the way Stiles stalked towards him one day after school.

Stiles had been furious, yelling about how Liam was no good for his baby sister and he’d better stay away if he knew what was good for him. It took Liam actually controlling his temper for once long enough to argue that he cared about Y/N more than anything, as well as Scott McCall stepping in to make sure Stiles didn’t start anything, to win Stiles over.

Even then, Stiles has never really been on Liam’s side. The whole matter with the bite didn’t increase his popularity, either. In Liam’s defense, he hadn’t asked to be bitten, but then again, who does? The life of a werewolf may be glamorized in movies and TV shows, but Liam can confirm, as a resident part-time wolf himself, it’s awful. Terrible. 

He has dreams sometimes about being human again. He’ll run through the streets at night, this fantasy Liam, walking unfazed beneath the light of a full moon. He’ll get angry but never have to worry about claws or fangs or glowing eyes. There are no hunters trying to kill him, he’s just another ordinary boy. It is the most marvelous dream, and then he wakes up.

In truth, Liam doesn’t know if he’d give up being a werewolf, even if he had the opportunity to stop. It’s made him feel more powerful than he has in a long time, which is, admittedly, both good and bad. It also connected him with Scott’s pack, the first group of friends to well and truly have Liam’s back. They care about him, and care about protecting him. You don’t give something like that up so easily.

However, tonight Liam snaps his eyes shut and wishes that he was no longer supernatural. If he hadn’t been at the hospital that night, if he hadn’t been chased onto the roof by that wendigo and Scott hadn’t bitten him, Liam wouldn’t have made the worst mistake of his life, the mistake that occurred today.

It had all happened so fast. It’s a useless excuse, explaining nothing and clearing Liam of no guilt whatsoever, but it’s true. Liam isn’t good with full moons, a fact known by everybody in the pack and Y/N herself, but he’s proved the worst of himself tonight.

The moon had been out, and Liam was supposed to be heading home. Usually, he tries to avoid people when there’s a full moon, because even though it’s been several months since he was first turned Liam still doesn’t have perfect control over himself, but Y/N had needed a ride home and so Liam had insisted on taking her. Otherwise, she would have had to walk, and that was worse, right?

It was bad, and he knew it. Y/N knew it too, Liam thinks, but she didn’t want to send him over the edge so she didn’t say a word about it. Maybe she trusted him, which was worse, because it means she’ll never trust him like that again. He didn’t deserve it in the first place, but man, Liam hates letting people down, especially people whose opinion matters the most. The rest of the world can go to hell, but Liam needs Y/N, and he needs her to not be afraid of him the way she surely is now.

As he was driving, the night grew later and later, and more of the full moon became visible. Liam’s knuckles were white on the wheel, and even though he swore to himself that he could keep it together, he pretty obviously couldn’t. Y/N had gently suggested that they were close enough to her house that she could walk, and Liam had agreed, pulling over to the side of the road. The Stilinski house was only two driveways down, but he knew he couldn’t risk any more time passing.

Something had happened then, when the car was parked. Maybe Y/N fumbled in finding her seatbelt, or she took even a fraction of a second longer in getting out than normal. Regardless, Liam’s temper spiked the way it always has, with a furious rage blinding his vision. It was only made worse by the full moon, which terrified the small part of his mind still capable of legitimate thought.

“Get out of the car,” he’d snarled, Liam can still remember the harsh way the syllables had slipped out between his clenched teeth, “I need you to get out. Now.”

Y/N’s eyes had widened, taking in how quickly the situation had turned sour. She reached for her door, but it wasn’t fast enough, so Liam leaned over to push the door open for her. That was his intention, at least, but what ended up happening was that he scratched her instead with his claws as he tried to reach the door handle.

The coppery tang of blood immediately flooded the air, and Liam remembers being so confused about it. Why would there be blood? Why, unless he had hurt her? His sanity chose that moment to return to him, and Liam looked with a stranger’s eyes upon Y/N, her hand clamped to her now ripped sleeve as blood began to filter through the fabric.

She claims that the scratch was just a surface wound, barely deep at all, but all Liam knows is that it was bleeding and that was enough. Stiles had been waiting on the front doorstep, but he had seen what happened through the half open door and started racing towards them. His voice had broken the stillness of the night, shouting about how Liam had better stay away from Y/N forever.

Liam doesn’t remember how the night ended, how he got from Y/N’s street to here, sitting on the floor of his room and pressed into a corner as if it might provide the support he so desperately needs. After everything, all the promises he’d made, Liam hurt her, the girl he loves. This is how good things end, Liam supposes, with the tiniest of mistakes spiraling into something massive.

Liam doesn’t blame Stiles for wanting them to break up. He had done this, after all, hurt her, so of course they would have to end their relationship. Y/N deserves safety, and that doesn’t come with Liam. Still, it hurts more than anything. He avoids her during school, and pretends he doesn’t want anything more than to race to her side and apologize a thousand times, over and over until his voice goes hoarse.

He’s miserable, he can admit that freely. Liam has never felt more alone. He knew he loved Y/N more than anything, but this sudden absence is killing him. He can barely pull himself together enough to physically make it to school, and he drifts between classes, not even aware of what he’s learning. His test scores come back worse each time because the only thing Liam knows during class is that he ruined the best thing in his life, and it’s all his fault.

After a week, Liam sees Stiles approaching him after school and honestly hopes for a fight. Even an argument would be enough. Maybe this time he’ll actually feel something more than overwhelming despair as his blood hits the pavement.

Stiles, however, doesn’t seem like he’s here for a conflict. Instead, the older boy scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, sighs, and decides to get right to it.

“You can get back together with Y/N,” Stiles says, and just like that Liam is abruptly dragged back to reality.

“What?” Liam asks, not entirely sure that he’s not hallucinating.

Stiles grimaces. “You heard me. The two of you are miserable without each other. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you really fucked up, but you’ve been doing your penance all week. I almost feel bad for you. You look like you’ve been run over by several trucks that then backed up over your twitching body and hit you another few times. It’s somewhat sickening.”

Liam flashes the older boy a tired thumbs up. “Thanks for the compliment, Stiles. I appreciate it.” Still, he can’t believe it. “You really mean it, though? You’ll let me date Y/N again?”

Stiles chuckles to himself. “I don’t really think it’s my decision at this point. She’s almost as badly off as you are. I don’t want a Romeo and Juliet situation on my hands, so I figure the two of you might as well get back together.”

Liam swallows hard. “You think she’ll forgive me? I mean, I hurt her. That’s the one thing I promised I’d never do.”

Stiles’ face softens in a rare moment of sincerity. “Hey, it’s okay. We all know you didn’t mean it, and it was an accident. In the end, though, I can’t speak for her. If Y/N wants to get back together, she has to make that choice all on her own. Neither you nor I can make that decision for her. Still, I think you have a pretty good shot.”

Stiles looks over his shoulder at a figure across the parking lot. Liam follows his gaze and realizes that it’s Y/N, probably waiting to see how the conversation goes. Heart in his throat, Liam stares at her. What if she doesn’t want to get back together with him after all this? What if this was one line too many to cross?

As he watches, though, Y/N locks eyes with him and smiles, really smiles. She nods to his unspoken question, and just like that, Liam’s doing better. Forgiveness will be a difficult road, but Liam is more than willing to pursue it. After all, why wouldn’t he? He’s got the best girl in the world waiting for him on the other side.

teen wolf tag list: @thatfangirl42, @rogueanschel, @lovesanimals0000, @rafecameronswhore, @bellabadacadabra, @watchreadfangirlrepeat

[axoxtxhxh]

Can you do Miche x male reader? Like male y/n is a tian shifter and would do anything to protect Miche even if the others deem it wrong. 18+ smit and some angest? If you want..🥺

So sorry this took me a bit. I really had to think about it to make sure I was doing a good job with it. I did cut out the smut only because it would have been too quick for this. I really REALLY hope you like it! ❤️

On Top of the World

Pairing: Miche x Male Reader

Content: Nearly all fluff, tiny bit of angst

Word Count: ~ 2,900

Summary: Reader is a Marleyan warrior, similar to a titan shifter, and one day he feels the need to save a scout from titans.

A/N: I am totally out of my comfort zone on this one since I don’t have much experience writing for a male reader, so I hope I didn’t do terribly. Thank you for the request and I hope you like it!

You remember the first time you saved Miche. You directly disobeyed orders and followed your commander. You were told to continue forward and clear a way for him as he stayed back, moving in to interact with one of the island devils who had killed four of Zeke’s titans in a few swift movements. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him. You had never seen someone moving so quickly and smoothly. His tall body flying through the air, jumping from titan to titan, his silky hair blowing all around his face as he spun and flipped. That’s all it took for you to follow Zeke as he approached the man. Your interest already completely attached to him.

You knew you couldn’t let Zeke know you were following him so you moved around the trees, hiding in areas he couldn’t see you. You were a small titan, not like the others, certainly not like Zeke. You were a minion to him, just a little busy bee that did what he asked.

You watched as Zeke spoke to him, the horrified look in his eyes was understandable. Zeke was an intimidating titan even for you. You couldn’t believe the strength of him, trying to stand on two broken legs as titans closed around him. That’s when your body took over and you can barely remember how it happened. One moment you were hidden in the trees watching it all happen and then next moment you were running, slashing through titans with your hands and running with Miche in your arms.

He was bigger than you thought he would be, your post in the trees not close enough to get a good look.

You weren’t a titan like the other shifters. You were considered a subclass to them. A lesser version created by Marley researchers in order to grow their army. You were the first one. A prototype. Something they liked to look at in horror, yet in the same breath, confidently ask you to do their bidding. You always listened, except that day.

You watched Miche squirm in your grip and you struggled to hold him. You weren’t as strong as titans were. You were certainly stronger in your titan form than human form, but significantly weaker than a normal titan.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” You told him, your titan voice deep and throaty. His struggling stopped and you felt his body trembling at your voice. As soon as you shook off the titans following, you slowed down and gently placed Miche on the grass. You both sat there staring at each other. Miche unable to believe what he was seeing while the realization of what you just did hit you.

“You can talk.” Miche spoke first, still taking shallow breaths. You watched his broad chest rise and fall and wondered how it compared to the size of yours when you were in your human form.

“I can.” His eyes widened again at your voice and you took a step back, not wanting to scare him. “I—I’m a titan, but I’m also human.”

You were more of a shapeshifter than a titan, though someone looking at you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The only difference was your eyes. You struggled to remember what your eyes looked like before you became what you were. Were they brown? Maybe green? You were sure they weren’t blue, but could never be certain how sure you were. It didn’t matter. They were now a luminescent glowing swirl of purples. Something to do with the chemical injections given to you during the experimentation phase of your transformation.

You explained all of this to Miche the second time you saw him. The second time you saved him. That first day was not the last. You would save him numerous times following that day. Each time was the same. Each time he knew you were coming. You could see a smile grow on his face as he picked up your scent.

You never understood his olfactory sense no matter how many times he explained it to you. He’d laugh at the confused look on your face each time he would try.

It was difficult what you were doing. The constant disappearing caught the attention of the warriors. They were always asking where you were running off to and you had to come up with excuse after excuse, lying to your comrades to spend time with the enemy. Those labels started becoming increasingly more confusing to you as did your feelings towards the man you were secretly escaping to meet.

Visiting Paradis wasn’t always top priority for Marley and in between the times you were able to see Miche, you found yourself lying in bed at night thinking about the times you were with him. He wasn’t at all how people of that island were described to you. He was funny and caring, someone you enjoyed spending time with. You often wondered if he thought the same about you. You wouldn’t describe yourself as funny, but he laughed quite a bit when you spoke. Serious conversations turned silly when he smiled.

That night wasn’t any different than the others. You were in bed, your thoughts quickly moving to Miche again. His broad shoulders and muscular arms at the front of your mind. You learned quickly that he was very playful, always play fighting, pretending to fight you when he became restless from sitting, laughing at himself when you playfully pushed him back. You tried not to think about his smile and his laugh as you felt a growing warmth in your stomach. Fighting it only made it worse though. The nights feeling so much longer unless you gave in.

You weren’t sure what it was that kept you going back to see him each and every time. It never occurred to you that he was making the same choice as you. Deciding himself that he wanted to see you each time you were on Paradis.

“Why do you come to see me?” You finally built the courage to ask him. You were thankful in your titan form he couldn’t see what you were feeling. He was sitting in the grass, looking up at the sky and shrugged.

“What else would I do?” He smiled. “Do I get to ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“When will you let me see you?” He finally looked away from the sky and directly at you. You tried to bring your eyebrows together, but your titan form prevented it, leaving you just staring at him.

“What do you mean? You’re seeing me now.”

“The real you.” He clarified.

He wanted to see you in your human form? What for? Was he trying to weaken you? This whole time was he trying to get closer to you in order to use you. He was using you to get to Marley, the get to the other warriors. He didn’t actually care about you. You didn’t know why you were thinking these things, but you were, you couldn’t help it.

“It’s fine, you don’t—”

“Why would you want to see me in my human form?” You stood up.

“Because I want to see you.” He laughed. Maybe it was a nervous laugh, but it felt like he was mocking you.

“What does it matter what I look like? Is that what you care about?” Miche stood up. He realized what you were feeling even without being able to see it or hear it in your tone.

“Y/N, I care about you.” He brought his hand to yours and you looked down at it. It was so small compared to yours, but you knew in your human form it would be so much bigger, able to completely cover yours as he closed his fingers around your hand. You pulled your hand away.

“You don’t care about me. If you did, you wouldn’t ask that.” You took a step back.

“I do ca—”

“You just want to see me weak and small. I’m not weak.” “I know you’re not. I wasn’t—Y/N, I wasn’t saying—”

He stopped speaking when you turned around and ran away, heading to meet back up with your comrades. Maybe they were right. Maybe this place was full of devils only out to get everyone. It didn’t feel right. None of it felt right. You felt confused and hurt. Why would Miche be like that? How could he be like that? He wasn’t anything like what you thought people here would be like. He was different. He had to be different. But when you thought about what he asked, you weren’t sure.

If he did care about you, why would he want to see you in a different way? If he cared about you in your titan form, that was how he saw you. Strong, tall, intimidating, a warrior. Why would he want your human form? Your human form was small, it was weak, it was tired and nothing special. That wasn’t what Miche cared about. He knows you as the titan that saved him. The tough, the durable, the giant titan that he could rely on. You were nothing like that in your human form. Nothing. He may not have known it, but you knew it. If he did care about you, it could only be in your titan form.

You stopped running. It was as if a wall were in front of you and you would hit it if you kept running, but the feeling you felt was more of a pull coming from behind you. A feeling that stopped you from leaving. You couldn’t. You felt something on your face and went to wipe it. Tears? You didn’t even know you could cry in this form.

There was a buzzing sound coming from behind you. You had never heard it before, but you knew what it was. That special gear the people of the island used to get around titans. The sound got closer and closer until it was right behind you, stopping suddenly and then you heard heavy breathing.

You couldn’t bring yourself to turn around. Even if all the reasons in your head told you to turn around. All the training you had told you to turn around, never turn your back on an enemy, but you didn’t. Miche wasn’t the enemy. Even though you knew the man you had fallen in love with was standing behind you, you didn’t turn around. You couldn’t.

“I won’t ask you to do it again.” He panted. “It really doesn’t matter to me what form you’re in.”

“Then why did you ask?” You stayed with your back to him.

“I… I don’t know.” He paused and you could almost hear his worry. “If this is the form you want me to see, if this is who you want to be, if this is who you are… I will love you either way.”

Love?

You turned your head, looking back at him and he smiled. The smile that set of everything. Your feelings, the reason you kept coming back. There was a familiar tingle in your spine and you cried out, your body shaking and bones cracking. Your transition from human to titan often went smoother than the other way around. It was painful and took much longer, your body tensing and sweating as it pushed through the unnatural process.

Your eyes were closed, but you could feel Miche’s eyes on you as your body twitched and shrunk down to half, a third, a quarter of the titan size. You struggled, but you managed to open them up enough to blink away the tears and see Miche’s face. He didn’t have the look of horror that you were expecting. There wasn’t even a look of disgust like you were used to from many of the Marleyan soldiers. It was a look you had never seen anyone give you before. It was a look you could only describe as adoration.

As soon as the shift was complete, you were forced to take shallow breaths as you tried to get enough air for your body. You held what was left of your pants to your stomach, trying your best to adjust to your weaker form. Your muscles felt tired, almost too tired to hold you up. This was a transition the other warriors never had to feel, they always kept their human form, hiding it in their titan’s nape. You, however, became something different, needing a period of adjustment as your remembered how to use your smaller body.

You took one final deep breath and slowly turned around. Miche stood in the same spot, unmoved from when he landed before your shifting started. You opened your mouth to say something, but you didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t really anything you could say.

Miche took a slow step forward, another slow step after that, and another step after that. Each step getting quicker than the previous one until he was standing in front of you. It felt strange and you knew he felt it too. You had never had to look up at him and he never had to look down at you.

He looked almost apprehensive as he stared at your face, trying to find parts of your titan face in your human one. He wouldn’t though, you were completely different. He looked into your eyes, the familiar swirling waves of purple and his face relaxed.

“Your eyes are the same.” He spoke softly.

“They don’t change.” His body stiffened slightly at your voice. It made sense. He had never heard you speak before and you wondered if it was uncomfortable for him to hear. He sniffed the air in front of you lightly.

“Your scent is the same too.”

“I—”

“So this is you?” He asked. The question completely unnecessary because you both knew it was. Still, you found it difficult to speak the confirmation and instead just nodded, having to quickly look away. You weren’t sure if it was discomfort or embarrassment, maybe even shame.

You weren’t that small for a man. You were very average, but to a titan, you were small. To Miche, you were small. You thought of the first time you saw him, flying through the sky over the titans, twisting and spinning as he cut their nape. You remembered his heavy breathing and thought about how big he would seem if you were standing with him as you were in that moment.

Before you even really thought about it, your hand had lifted up, moving towards where your eyes lay on his chest. You were hesitant to touch him, not even really sure if he was okay with you being close to him. You looked like an entirely different person than he was used to. You started pulling your hand away, dropping it to your side and Miche grabbed it, pulling it to his chest and holding it there.

You didn’t even have time to enjoy it because soon after he wrapped his arms around your body and lifted you up from the ground. Your legs were swinging as he spun in a circle and laughed, his smile seemed different somehow and before you knew it, you were smiling with him. The feeling of his strong arms wrapping around you felt so warm, your heart was slamming in your chest at the feeling.

He set you down quickly, moving his hands to your cheeks, cupping your jaw and pressing his lips to yours. Your eyes went wide, your hands holding his shoulders, and you forgot to breathe. There was a strange buzzing in your body that you had never felt before. It moved through you quickly and settled in your stomach. It felt good. You felt high. You felt like you were on top of the world.

Your eyes slowly closed and you opened your mouth, your arms going around Miche’s neck to pull him closer to you. His tongue brushed over yours as his arms moved around your waist and he pulled you up, spinning you in a circle again. It was a feeling you wouldn’t have been able to describe to anyone and a feeling that no one had ever told you that you could feel.

He set you back down and smiled into your lips, pulling away. You had expected Miche to look at you differently once he saw you, the real you. What you hadn’t expected was how different he looked to you. His eyes were brighter, his smile wider, his voice warmer.

You both took a deep breath and smiled, his hand finding yours and holding it tightly while he swung it back and forth.

“I think I might be able to take you on now.” He joked. You looked up at him, trying to guess what he was talking about and he put his arms up, play punching your shoulder and you laughed.

“I can always shift back.” You jokingly threatened, lightly pushing his shoulder.

“Not yet.” He grabbed your hand and pulled it behind his back, bringing you up against his chest. “Just a little longer like this.”

[allmightluver]

All Might’s Mental Health is  Declining

Toshinori Yagi wanted to be a hero, wanted to help people ever since he was a boy

and with Nana’s help, the quirkless kid got his wish.

But being a hero isn’t for the weak of heart. You’re going to fail. People are going to be hurt. And ultimately, you’ll be alone. Toshinori had to learn this quickly in his life as Nana, his mother figure, died for him at an early age.

The other person in his life, Gran Torino, trained him to the best of his abilities, but was a no nonsense, brutal teacher.

His methods were effective, but scarring, as Toshinori has been terrified of him ever sense. 

He was sent to America on his own to develop his quirk, where he eventually learned to become a hero. But again, that meant work was his life, and he had no social life. Sure he was popular with the media, but as far as developing a lot of personal relationships, he wouldn’t have time for them. Plus, as typical of a hero, in order to keep everyone safe, All Might couldn’t be seen with people he was close to. He most likely kept himself busy the majority of the time to keep from being lost in his own thoughts. People need companions, it’s part of our make up. Toshinori’s surely had to have been a very lonely life. 

And then All for One happened. And defeating him almost killed Toshinori, in fact, there’s no good reason he’s still alive, other than to pass on One For All, he should be dead. *Warning graphic details following*

All for One said himself (English Translation), “A wounded hero is a most frightening animal. Do you know that even now, I sometimes dream of you charging at me with your entrails strewn across the ground.” His entrails. His internal organs. All Might was gravely wounded, yet he still forced himself to fight All For One, even while the hole in his side freely leaked his own body’s contents. In the picture above, All Might kneels above All For One’s lifeless body in a pool of blood, a mixture of both their blood. AFO’s head crushed.

I cannot stress enough the mental impact of this singular event. All Might stood for absolutely NO killing. He would resolve conflict while being careful NOT to kill or even critically hurt anyone. But in this instance, Toshinori killed a man. And the way he did, crushing a man’s head with his bare hands until the skull gave way and his brains were scattered on the pavement below. For someone who believes in no killing, this was a brutal execution. One that, unfortunately, had to happen for the safety of the world, and only All Might was capable of doing it. 

This alone must have severely messed with his head. While he lay in hospital, only capable of healing, AFO haunted his dreams and thoughts. He took another life, blood permanently staining his hands. And now he has to mentally pretend this never happened and act as if everything is fine to the public who hadn’t heard of this fight.

Despite the mental trauma from this, the physical trauma was worse. While he could fake the emotional lasting effects, he couldn’t hide the physical. 

This injury took a lot more of him than just his mental stability. It took his stomach, a lung, most likely his spleen, and perhaps more internal organs. Living like this now means lots of medications. Supplements to make up for the lack of stomach, drugs to protect against infection, and pain medication to list a few. Something that big has to hurt like crazy. And all that scar tissue pulling while you try to fight? Torture. He’s most likely had countless corrective surgeries from the scar tissue alone, which only reopens the wound and leaves less and less skin to work with. You can see how caved in the scar is, indicating just how much of his body is missing. His destroyed respiratory system forces blood to fill the remaining lung he has left when he overexerts himself, which is all the time. He probably has to have blood tranfusions regularly to make up for the loss, as well as other injections to assist his body in running properly. There’s probably an oxygen tank by his bedside to help when he’s choking on his own blood in the middle of the night. His body wasting away until his very skin stretches like plastic wrap over nothing but bones. Muscles being eaten away in replacement of food.

But what sucks the most? The time he can be All Might is decreasing more every day. The one thing he’s wanted his whole life, to help people, is starting to become difficult to do. He has to hide his true form from the public, he doesn’t want them to fear for their lives if he can’t help anymore. Now he spends more and more time in his own mind because he can’t distract himself anymore. And what’s worse than the mental pain is the physical accompanying it.

Now BESIDES all this happening, we also have Nighteye’s betrayal. Sir, the man who was his sidekick for years, the guy he’s probably been able to grow the closest to, betrays All Might’s trust and looks into his future. And what does he see?

In six to seven years, Toshinori will meet a villain, and meet a gruesome demise. The betrayal makes him and Nighteye go separate ways, losing a friend.

Now with his declining health and the death sentence hanging over his head, Toshinori has to think about what he hoped he wouldn’t for years yet. He needs a successor. Someone to give this power to before it’s too late. 

Insert Izuku.

A young, quirkless boy who just wants to help people. Sounds familiar. Izuku is an obvious choice despite everyone telling Toshinori he’s not the right fit. (Like Nighteye whom Toshinori tried to tell, but was only shot down.) So once he hands over One for All to Izuku, the problem, despite the boy destroying himself as he tries to use it and Toshinori being unsure how to help him, is that his power is decreasing even faster now. Which, of course, is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with. His time limit is drawn shorter and shorter until All for One starts to make a reappearance.

So not only did Toshinori not kill him, all the trauma he went through was for nothing, but now the world is in danger, again. And he doesn’t know if he can help them. Which means he has to involve his young ward in this mess that killed his mentor, almost killed him, and could potentially kill the boy as well.

So he tells Izuku of the origin of One for All and All for One. But he doesn’t tell the boy that by the time Izuku fights this guy, Toshinori won’t be around anymore. 

He doesn’t let on how much the power is draining out of his body, and doesn’t enlighten the boy on his own upcoming death. Which unfortunately means he has to lie and give Izuku a false sense of security. 

And then, All for One shows up.

And this time, All Might’s true form is exposed to the public. His weakness. Now the world knows that All Might isn’t invincible. Despite this, he’s still able to force his broken and exhausted body to beat All for One again, while using up the last of One for All, and leaving it up to Izuku.

Now he’s that quirkless boy who wants to help people again, only this time, he can’t.

Now he can’t be a hero, the one thing that’s kept him going all these years. And people on the street who don’t recognize him right away, criticize how he looks, which again, is out of his control. So he continues to hide himself in shame.

Gran Torino has told him he’s not being a proper mentor to Izuku, but the boy is already surpassing him with his schooling from other teachers. So, without heroing and mentoring, all Toshinori has left is being a teacher. 

And unfortunately, Eraserhead has told him he’s also mediocre at that as well.

Then Izuku meets Sir Nighteye, and questions Toshinori about their relationship, while also questioning his own successor-ship. 

Which leads to a very emotional scene of Toshinori telling Izuku exactly what happened all those years ago, as well as his death sentence that, oh by the way, is coming either this year or the next.

Toshinori is fairly emotionless while explaining this to the boy, I imagine he’s fairly disconnected with his own emotions by this point.

But seeing how upset Izuku was is enough to make him try and console the other that he won’t simply roll over and die, that he’ll go down fighting.

And THEN, he gets word that Sir Nighteye is in grave condition and most likely won’t make it through the night. Even after their falling out, Toshinori goes to his friend’s side, and the resemblance is scary.

Now he can see why Nighteye looked into his future, to see if Toshi had any chance on living. Being put in this position, he can understand. You can even hear Toshinori’s voice break (Japanese version) when he tells Sir that he needs to stay alive to allow Toshi to repent for his sins. But Nighteye can’t stay. And when facing the man who’s always been known for his smile, who can’t do it anymore, Sir says to him: “Smile. Live on, Toshinori.”

But for what?

The most recent episodes have a relatively emotionless Toshinori.

Like in today’s episode, the best he can give Izuku is a small smile, barely anything. He doesn’t even emote when he catches Hatsume’s stray baby.

He clearly still has the reflexes of a hero, but he can’t physically be one anymore. His health is too fragile. *Manga spoilers ahead*

Then there’s this scene with Aizawa.

He had long since accepted his own death, maybe even longed for it. But Izuku made him decide to try and live, even though he’s not sure how to anymore.

This poor man has been through Hell. And now he feels useless and helpless. Thank God he finally said something to Aizawa, but he needs more than just this, he needs to have a purpose again. I hope Aizawa and the others can help him find it again.

[whumpmatsus]

Yesterday I took the second coronal vaccine, totally fine until I woke up at 3:30 am feeling like shit, no one was home and I didn't know how to take care of myself so I just took a fever' medicine and tried to go back to sleep, was cring while calling mommy.

my fever dropped down yet I still feel the pain killing me and I have to go to school.

Now I want one of the brothers to feel my pain 🙂

awwww I'm sorry you went through that, hun! my second vaccine I was similar, feeling fine until I woke up in the middle of the night all nauseous and congested, thankfully I'd taken off of work for a couple days in advance in case I got side effects

I was almost normal by the end of the day though, it sucks you were still feeling bad and had stuff to do! this got sent like two weeks ago so I certainly hope you're feeling better now and you weren't miserable too long <3

... I decided on Osomatsu bc I've been feeling them Oso girl vibes lately, plus he's sooooo much a mama's boy it seemed to fit haha

I also decided to use side effects for the flu shot instead of the COVID vaccine, just because I'm uncomfy using current events in my fictional writings, but the gist is still the same

I may have taken a few liberties with the side effect symptoms, but hey, it's different for everyone, right? it's also funny that all the brothers got hit by one symptom worst, but poor Oso got hit by all of them XD

there's some Allmatsu slipped in here, but also Matsuyo babying her oldest boy a bit!

hopefully you enjoy your Oso suffering, I loved writing it!!! =)

-

Being alone in the house for once, it’s a miracle that Osomatsu was able to sleep at all.

When he wakes up, the clock blinking at him that it’s sometime around 3 in the morning, he almost forgets that he’s by himself, until he feels that the rest of the futon is empty. Everything trickles back pretty quickly ― why none of his brothers are around tonight.

Choromatsu is at an idol convention that’s pretty far out of town. Karamatsu is staying at a local hotel for a few days’ worth of music performances. Jyushimatsu is away for a week visiting Homura at her parents’ house in the country. Totty’s having a grown-up sleepover at a friend’s place. And Ichimatsu volunteered for an overnight shift at the animal shelter because one of the cats he’s been looking after wound up there.

For the record, there’s very little Osomatsu hates more than being all by himself in the futon. Even though it gives him a chance to spread out and sleep however he likes, it makes him feel lonely. He’d rather be huddled up with everyone than have all this empty space.

To make things worse, when he wakes up alone, he wakes up feeling like shit.He remembers not really drinking that much last night, so it can’t be a hangover… but… he did just get his yearly flu vaccine yesterday afternoon. The pharmacy tech who gave him the shot warned him that he might feel a little bad the next day or so, like he has a weak version of the flu. Annnnd… he’s pretty sure there was a sheet that was given to him that explained benefits, possible side effects, and a list of things that he should go to the doctor if he experienced.

Although he can’t remember where he put that paper, he’s sure that’s why he’s feeling so crappy right now.

The area of his arm where he got injected is stiff, and trying to move it makes him want to cry. There are aches creeping out into the rest of his body, including his head pounding. His stomach is swirling with nausea as soon as he sits up, and for a brief moment he’s convinced he’s going to be sick.

After he puts a hand against his forehead to try and will it to quit hurting, his palm comes back damp with sweat. Shit… do I have a fever? That’s no good either; fevers always make him feel vaguely panicky and uncomfortable in the most horribly nonspecific way.

“Mmm… Mom…?” he calls, but his voice comes out sounding hoarse and raspy. It hurts to talk, so he doesn’t think he can raise his voice more than this. “… Mom?”

Usually if one of the sextuplets calls for their mom, Matsuyo hears them and is in their bedroom only a moment later. At the very least, she calls back that she’s coming. Instead, the house is completely silent. It’s borderline eerie, especially to Osomatsu’s foggy mind.

Then it hits him; their parents are away, too. They went on vacation for a few days, just a short trip to rekindle their romance. So… he really is all by himself right now.

To try and keep himself calm, he does his best to breathe, except as soon as he starts to focus on it, he realizes his nose is plugged. Ughhh. He sniffles for a minute, seeing if he can get a good breath in. It’s kind of hopeless.

Okay, okay… breathe through your mouth then, dumbass. Don’t get all worked up. Just… fuck. Think about what you’d do if one of your brothers woke you up feeling like shit. How would you take care of them?

… It’s hard. Even though he could take care of someone else, it’s infinitely more difficult when he’s the one trying to take care of himself. His brain is all clouded and despite the fact that he knows it’s not serious, he’s probably not actually sick, he feels so terrible it’s making every idea a struggle.

He can’t call any of his brothers. They’re all out enjoying their own things… what kind of awful person would spoil his little brothers’ good times like that?

With that being said, he’s not really sure how to take care of himself. The only other options available are to go back to sleep, which he’s certain he can’t do at the moment, or… call his mom.

Although he hates to interrupt his parents’ vacation like this, he’s got his phone and is dialing Matsuyo’s number before he knows it. He won’t keep her awake for too long, just long enough to get some advice on what to do. She’s the only one he’s really okay with seeing or hearing him be really vulnerable, because even though he’s the oldest of her children… she’s still his mother.

Still, he can’t help but feel just a little guilty when her tired voice comes crackling through the phone. “Osomatsu?”

His arm is sore, so he puts the phone on speaker and sets it down on his lap. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I woke you up.”

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s okay.” She must hear the fatigue and congestion in his voice, because it sounds like she immediately perks up. “Is everything alright?”

The way her voice is already laced with concern makes his throat tighten. He woke her up in the middle of the night, when she was trying to sleep, on vacation, and she doesn’t even sound mad. He blinks away hot tears that have welled up fast, and they have nowhere to go except to drip down his cheeks. “I don’t feel good,” he croaks, reaching up to rub at his eyes.

Damn. What kind of stupid baby am I, crying over this…?

If it’s at all possible, Matsuyo’s voice softens even more. “Ah, honey. Are you sick? Do you need Dad and I to come home?”

“N-no!” His response is instant and visceral, though it probably sounds pathetic because he’s starting to cry. “I… I don’t think it’s… that bad. I just… I woke up and I… I’m all… my arm hurts, and I’ve got a really bad headache, I’m sweating and shivering at the s-same time, my stomach hurts…”

“Oh, dear.” She clicks her tongue. “… Hm. You and your brothers got your flu shots yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s probably why you’re not feeling well. Are you having any trouble breathing?”

“I-I mean… only ‘cause my nose is stuffy. I can still breathe through my mouth and it’s not… like… I can breathe.”

“Are you dizzy or weak?”

He has to pause for a second to figure how to answer that. “N-no… not really. Just kind of… achy.”

“Are you running a temperature?”

“I… I dunno. I think, maybe.”

“Okay, well, if you think you are, you should probably go check it to make sure it’s not too high. Do you want me to stay on with you while you do that?”

“Y-yeah… I guess. I just…” It takes all his strength to get to his feet, and his headache is still pounding away once he does. At least his sinuses clear up a bit when he’s standing. “I know I take care of my brothers all the time… but… I-I don’t… I don’t really know how to take care of myself when I don’t feel good…”

Matsuyo sighs softly. “Oh, Osomatsu, sweetie. That’s normal. It’s harder to take care of yourself than it is to take care of someone else; sometimes you don’t think right when you aren’t feeling well. Go take your temperature, and we’ll go from there, alright?”

“Okay…”

Getting to the bathroom is kind of a battle. Every part of his body just feels so heavy, and he keeps wanting to fall asleep right against the wall. By the time he gets into the bathroom and turns the light on, he’s drained from the walk.

Trying to open the medicine cabinet, he gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror and has to cringe. He just looks shitty ― pale and sweaty, his face flushed like it’s been barely kissed by the fever, eyelids drooping with exhaustion. He looks like some kind of hilarious caricature of a sick person on a Saturday morning cartoon.

Everything rattles in the cabinet for a moment before he finds the thermometer, and gives it a brief rinse before sticking it in his mouth.

He continues to make small noises of discomfort the whole time, and Matsuyo continues to offer gentle coos of encouragement. Finally the damn thing beeps, prompting him to pull it out.

“Osomatsu? What does it say, honey?”

“Mmh, it’s, uh…” The bleariness from being so tired forces him to squint at the screen. “37.8.”

When his mother speaks, she sounds relieved, which makes him feel a little better. “Oh, that’s not too bad. Anything under 38 is low-grade, which combined with everything else means you’re probably just feeling some side effects from the shot. The fever is what’s making you feel bad more than anything, I’d guess.”

He tears off a square of toilet paper to wipe away the leftover tears, still incredulous over the fact that something so simple and dumb made him cry. “So… what do I do? I mean… can I take anything?”

“Of course. If you can manage it, have a few crackers and take two paracetamol, alright? That should keep the fever from making you too uncomfortable.”

“… Ugh.” The thought of food right now isn’t really what he wants to hear. “Do I… have to eat anything?”

“Aaah, I know your tummy is a little upset, but… taking painkillers on an empty stomach isn’t a good idea, sweetheart. It might not get absorbed correctly, and it might make you more nauseous.”

Well… he supposes when she puts it that way, he should just suck it up and have a couple crackers, then. “Okay. Should I do anything else, or…?”

She hums in thought. “I can’t think of much else that would help. Taking the medicine and trying to go back to sleep is your best bet. You can put the hot water bottle on your tummy, if you want. Just make sure it’s not too hot. And you can put a cold cloth on your forehead if you feel warm. Rest will help you more than anything, I think.”

“Okay… I guess you’re right. I just don’t feel good, Mom.” He knows he’s said that several times already, and it sounds so babyish,but he can’t really think of how else to express it.

“Oh, honey, I know. Do you want me to stay up with you for a little bit? I don’t know if a lullaby will work over the phone, but, I can give it a try.”

He shakes his head even though he knows she can’t see it. “No… I’ll be okay. I’m just gonna… eat some crackers and take those pills and lie down. You should go back to sleep, too.”

She chuckles. “Don’t you dare worry about me. I’ll be back out as soon as my head hits the pillow. Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m gonna go try to just… take care of myself.”

“Okay, sweetheart. But you call me again if you need anything, alright?”

“Mhm, I will. Thanks for helping me.”

“Of course, my poor boy. Try to get some sleep. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Night.”

Once he hangs up, the house feels too quiet again. It reminds him of those horror movies where someone wakes up in the middle of the night and starts walking around and the monster sneaks up on them without any noise and before they know it, the monster’s got them.

So begins the long trek downstairs after he puts the thermometer away and gets the paracetamol from the cabinet. Now he can’t ever tease Totty again for being afraid of the dark and monsters and all that shit, because he has to peer around the stairway to make sure something isn’t waiting for him at the bottom of the steps.

Thankfully, when he opens the fridge, he discovers a couple bottles of some off-brand sports drink; his mind dredges up a memory of Jyushimatsu telling him a while ago that those are good for sick people. That stuff keeps you hydrated and helps settle your stomach.

So he manages to get two pills swallowed, then forces a handful of senbei crackers into his mouth. Even though they don’t taste good, he’s crossing his fingers that it’ll keep him from feeling too sick from the medicine.

Even the kitchen is too lonely. He takes the rest of the bottle with him, just in case he wakes up again and needs a sip of something to be able to go back to sleep.

Being faced with the empty futon once more makes him almost burst into tears. Seeing nobody in it makes his stupid mind see everyone in it, like they all should be, squished up against each other. He can imagine Ichimatsu at the very end, pretending he’s not cuddling up to Karamatsu. And Choromatsu near the other end, being a good sport about Jyushimatsu curling up against him. And of course Totty right there next to Osomatsu, snuggling against his oldest brother for warmth on a chilly fall night.

He lowers himself down into the futon, but doesn’t actually go horizontal. The phone trembles in his hand, and he can’t stop himself.

-

“Mmmh, Osomatsu-nii-san?”

“Hey, Totty. U-uh… sorry… I probably woke you up, huh?”

“It’s okay. Actually, I’m… I’m kind of glad somebody called. I don’t wanna embarrass myself by waking up my friends, but… i-it’s kind of dark and I have to pee… I know you can’t actually come over, but just talking to you would be enough. Could you maybe… stay on while I go?”

“Oh… yeah, sure. I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to you take a piss in the middle of the night.”

“Oh, haha, so funny. I’ll be fast. Hey… is everything okay? You sound all stuffy.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just… flu shot side effects making me feel crummy. Everyone else got theirs yesterday too, so I just… thought I’d check on you guys since I woke up feeling like shit.”

“Huh. Well, I feel okay. My arm’s a little sore, but beyond that I’m good.”

“Good.”

“Aaaah, okay, I’m done now. Can you stay on while I walk back to the other room?”

“Yeah, no worries. I hope you can get back to sleep pretty fast.”

“Ugh, me too. It was hard to go back to sleep with my arm hurting and being too scared to go pee. Thanks for checking on me.”

“Hey, what else are big brothers for?”

“Mmh, thanks anyway, though. Goodnight, Osomatsu-nii-san.”

“Night, Totty. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Aaaah, Osomatsu… yaaaawn… is everything alright, dear brother?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine, Kara. I just… miss you guys, since it’s just me in the house. I woke up and… forgot I was all by myself, pfft.”

“Hmph. I suppose I understand that. In my case, I do not believe I’m sleeping as well as I might with the rest of you. So at least it isn’t just you feeling that way.”

“Yeah… ha, that makes me feel a little better. Uh, how are your gigs going so far?”

“Oh? Are you interested? Well, surprise of surprises, the crowd gave me a standing ovation tonight!”

“Yeah, really? Damn, look at you. Better not have flirted with any pretty girls without me.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t dream of it, brother. Are you doing alright otherwise? You sound a bit off.”

“Mh, no big deal. Just the flu shot making me feel like shit. You’re not feeling too bad?”

“I believe I had a low fever earlier, but by the time I came back to my room, it had broken. You have my thanks for checking on me, however. And I sincerely hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks, Kara. Hey, I’ll let you get back to sleep now; you need rest for your next gig tomorrow.”

“Haha! Why, I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. Goodnight, brother.”

“Night, Kara. Sleep tight.”

-

“Hey, shitty eldest. Are you really still awake?”

“Ouch, what a greeting. Right through my heart, Ichimacchan. Nah, I was sleeping, but I woke up. I was trying to get back to sleep… it’s just kind of… y’know, lonely over here.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re the only one in the house, huh?”

“Yeahhh, it sucks. I just woke up and I was like, ‘shit, where are all my baby brothers?’ Pff.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’d come home if I could, but I’ve gotta take care of Fern right now.”

“No, no, it’s all good. How’s she doing?”

“Better than the last time I saw her. At least she’s eating now. She keeps hissing at anyone who gets close except for me.”

“Pffff… guess she’s copying you.”

“Tch, go die, Osomatsu. Actually, it sounds like you’re pretty close to it right now. You good?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m good. The fucking flu shot, you know?”

“Ouch, don’t even mention that. My head was about to split in half earlier.”

“Shit. You doing better now?”

“Yeah, it finally went away. Hopefully you feel better soon, too. Listen, I gotta go now ― Fern’s scratching at me for a little more food.”

“Oh, right, no problem. Go take care of her. And, uh, take some sleep if you can get it so you don’t pass out tomorrow.”

“I’ll do my best. If not, I’m napping on top of you tomorrow. Night, Osomatsu.”

“Count on it! See you tomorrow, Ichimacchan.”

-

“Heyyyyy, Osomatsu-nii-san!! You woke me up and the phone ringing almost woke up Homura-chan. Is everything okay???”

“Oh… oh, yeah, sorry, Jyushi. Everything’s fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up and almost wake her. I just wanted to call and… see how you were doing.”

“… Hah??”

“I’m all alone in the house… I guess I miss all my little brothers. Choro has some nerd shit going on, Kara’s doing gigs, Totty’s at a friend’s place, and Ichi’s at the animal shelter with one of his cats… and you’re all the way out in the country. Plus Mom and Dad went on vacation. So…”

“Oh. So you’re just lonely ‘cause you’re alone. And you woke up and felt bad so you called me?”

“Yeah… I’m calling the others too. Just… just, you know, checking up on everybody. Sorry, I didn’t think about that you’re probably sleeping in the same bed as Homura-chan…”

“It’s okay! Maybe if she wakes up we’ll go for round two, haha.”

“Jyushi! You sly asshole, saying something like that to me, pffff. You’re bad. You’re… having fun, though, right?”

“Yeah, loads of fun. It’s great out here in the country. Homura-chan’s family even has a dog! Are you okay? You sound funny.”

“Uh? Oh, yeah. I’m just feeling a little crappy from the flu shot.”

“Ohhhh. That’s right, we all got that before I left yesterday. I’m kinda sore too, but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t last too much longer for you. Maybe since it woke you up now, it’ll be gone when you wake up for real!”

“Maybe. I hope so. Mannn… okay, Jyushi, I’m gonna let you get back to cuddling with Homura-chan, okay? Enjoy the rest of your visit.”

“Hahahhh, thanks, Osomatsu-nii-san. And you can call me again too, if you want! Maybe during the day next time. Nighty night.”

“Night, Jyushi. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Mmmf… Osomatsu? If you’re calling me, someone better be dead or dying.”

“Ahah, or what, Fappymatsu?”

“Or I will reach through this phone and strangle you like we’re in a B-list horror movie.”

“Ouchhhh, you’re worse than Ichimacchan; at least he didn’t threaten me. Are you really that cranky that I woke you up?”

“Yes, because I was having trouble getting to sleep and I just started drifting off when my phone rang. If you don’t give me a good reason in the next thirty seconds, Karamatsu becomes my oldest brother.”

“Geez, okay, okay. Sorry, you grump. I just wanted to check on you guys. I woke up feeling like shit thanks to the flu shot from yesterday, and I… wanted to make sure it wasn’t making you guys feel crappy too.”

“I’m fine, Osomatsu. I mean, I felt a little queasy earlier in the night, but it passed. You, on the other hand, sound like death warmed over. You should hang up and get some sleep. Can we not leave you alone for five minutes?”

“Heh. Guess not. Sorry I woke you up. You should get back to sleep too.”

“… Osomatsu. Wait. Did… did you call everyone else, too? You seriously just wanted to make sure we were okay?”

“Uh-huh. Well… well, I guess I’m a little lonely, too. I mean, I woke up and the futon was empty and I just… felt like I should check on all of you. I’m the big brother. So… I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Well… thanks, I guess. Sorry I snapped at you, but, I’m tired. Don’t worry too much, okay? I’m a little anxious, being so far from home overnight… I miss all of you too. But it’ll be fine. Try some breathing exercises… if you can do that, sometimes it helps you relax enough to fall asleep.”

“I’ll try. Thanks, Choro-chan. I’m glad you’re doing okay. You try those exercises too, yeah? I want you to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for checking on us, Osomatsu. You’re not a bad big brother sometimes. Get some rest, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Night, Choro-chan. Sleep well.”

-

When Osomatsu puts his phone down, far enough away that he probably won’t roll onto it in his sleep, he feels a lot better.

Not that he doesn’t still feel crappy, but his headache is starting to fade, and the anxiety he felt about being away from his brothers has calmed down substantially. It means that hopefully he’ll be able to get back to sleep.

He lies down on one side, rubbing at his eyes to get rid of the tears that started up again. The blanket is pulled up, so tightly around him that it almost mimics being hugged. With any luck, he’ll be out in a few minutes so he doesn’t have the chance to panic at the sounds of the house settling or the noises outside or anything like that.

As he closes his eyes and does his best to breathe rhythmically through his mouth, he curls his knees up to his chest.

He still feels lonely.

Everything will be better tomorrow.

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 11: Intruloceit (pt 2)

@tsshipmonth2020

The sequel y’all were waiting for! (@hoppe-ideas)

Day 11: ‘Choose your own adventure’ day! I chose to continue from Day 9, since I couldn’t very well leave it there.

Content warning: allusions to abuse, Remus being Remus (need I elaborate?), implied past panic attack, mention of bipolar disorder, and of course, Janus’ crippling insecurities. Angst with a happy ending. 

Word count: 4k

*READ DAY 9 FIRST*

Blue: What time are you available?

Green: What is this, a doctor’s office? I’m free after lunch 

Blue: I was merely tr

Green: I know, I know. I’m just teasing you. It’s endearing, my little mocking-nerd. Bring your textbook, I’ll meet you in the cafeteria. It’s octopus learning time!

Blue: I will never understand you.

Green: Good 

He drew a crude rendering of the devil emoji, then a heart, and the conversation ended as quickly as it began.

--------------------------------------

Green: What would happen if you injected coca cola into your bloodstream

Blue: No.

Green: It’s just a question!

Blue: I’m assuming you would die.

Green: Damn. Can we try anyways?

Blue: No!

Green: C’mon, for science?

Blue: NO! Why did this question even arise?!

Janus hid a small chuckle, before immediately slapping a hand over his mouth. Even if the writing was as much on his arm as it was theirs, it still felt wrong to read it. Felt wrong to admit that he was starting to enjoy their shenanigans.

-------------------------------------

Green: Hey

Blue: Hello, my dear. What is so important that you couldn’t text me?

Green: my mom broke my phone and I’m having an attack

Janus sat straight up, his calligraphy pen clattering to the floor, effectively ruining the large swooping letters he was working on with a splattered gold streak. This was the first message the two had shared that wasn’t either Blue’s notes about homework or Green’s odd creative ideas, or cheesy conversations between the two that Janus tended not to read. It felt like intruding on someone’s life. He hadn’t learned their names yet, and while they always stuck to the same color scheme, he knew at this point he’d be able to distinguish their handwriting with no hesitation. It was his version of hearing their voices, and he’d started growing attached to them. He turned his full attention to the conversation on the back of his arm, feeling a surge of worry.

Blue: I’m on my way, be at the curb in ten minutes?

Green: thanks

Blue: Remember those breathing exercises. Try to stay calm. 

Green: please hurry

Blue: I’m driving as fast as I can, love.

The messages ended there, and Janus didn’t sleep that night.

----------------------------------------------------------

Blue: Happy birthday, Remus. I hope you have an amazing day.

Remus: Are we still good to go for tonight? 

Blue: Of course. I had Roman and Patton help plan most of the date, so I hope you enjoy it.

Remus: Logan, if it’s with you, I will~ 

Logan: You’re a sap.

Remus: And you love it

Logan: Guilty.

Never had Janus felt so alone. It was one thing to have anonymous messages scribbled on your arm, little doodles and good luck wishes, but to know their names? That brought on a whole new round of tears that he hated himself for. Remus and Logan. The names of his so-called soulmates, the labels he could finally put to the personalities. As much as he hated to admit it, waking up had become a whole lot easier since they’d started appearing on his skin. It was something little to look forward to.

It also hurt, just a little bit more. Before he was eighteen, he’d been able to imagine his situation like his parent’s, with a soulmate who would end up hating and hurting him, and it was easy to decide to never communicate when the time arrived. And even if they seemed like genuinely good people, every time he lifted a pen to respond, to announce his presence, he stopped himself, as his father’s words rang through his head.

Why would anyone want you, Janus?

You’re a mistake, and they’ll see that instantly.

Honestly, what good do you even have to offer a soulmate?

He didn’t want them to be true, but it wasn’t like anyone had ever told him differently. His mother avoided his eyes and was silent, his peers treated him like a disease, so those words were the ones he started to believe. So he capped the pen, pulled his sleeve down, and ignored the small feather light tickles as they spread across his arms. 

------------------------------------------------

Of course, it wasn’t avoidable forever. 

It was writing on skin, did he think that was something he would never do accidentally? Was he really that stupid? They were going to be so pissed when they found out how long he’d been snooping on their conversations. They’d hate him. They’d never be open to the idea that he was somehow meant to be in their lives. He was done. He was such an idiot.

These were the thoughts raging through his mind as he looked down over himself in shock, spilled amber ink shimmering on his skin. It was an accident; an opening of an ink pod combined with over enthusiastic dancing to the Chicago soundtrack, leading to a faltering concentration and skin covered in staining gold. He’d been sitting cross legged on his chair when the cartridge exploded, and he’d bounded to his bathroom to try and wash it off, but it had only been partially successful. There was no doubt in his mind that they would see it. It had covered a good majority of today’s messages on his arms, smeared across his shins from hurriedly trying to wipe it away, and speckled across his face like the world’s most unfortunate freckles. 

He dropped back into his chair, his music now turned off, and laid his head on the cool wood of his desk. The ticking on his clock was the only sound in the room and he counted each one, mentally marking the minutes as they passed by. Waiting. Five minutes of silent fear had passed before a new anxiety began to rise in him. What if they were his soulmates, but he wasn’t theirs? He’d heard of it happening, ever so rarely, that soulmarks weren’t reciprocated. If that was true for him, and he was starting to become sure it was, they wouldn’t see the ink. They never would. He would be forced to live the rest of his life on the outside, reading their life on his skin but never able to take part. Somehow that seemed a lot worse now that it wasn’t his choice.

Just as he was starting to spiral, a familiar tickle on his arm snapped him back to the present. His head jerked up, hair falling into his heterochromatic eyes as he followed the dark blue script, starting just under the largest golden spill.

Hello? 

And how should he respond to that? He couldn’t think of a fun one liner, a sassy quip, to introduce himself. For the first time in his life, lying wasn’t an option, and he hated that. He grabbed the first pen he could grab, a black ballpoint, with shaking fingers.

Hi. Well, that was lame. 

You’re our soulmate. It was less of a question, more of a statement. Janus took a deep breath, bringing the pen down again.

Yes. 

I’m sorry. What he was apologizing for, he couldn’t quite put a finger on. But it felt right. Apologizing was simply second nature to him.

Whatever for?

He didn’t know how to answer that time, so he did what he always did best, and watched. Waited again, hoping that Blue (Logan, he remembered vaguely), would just drop the subject. This was the most conversation he’d had with someone in a while. 

My name’s Remus. The other dork is Logan. 

The green ink appeared under the blue, and Janus’ heart dropped painfully in his chest. As if he didn’t already know their names. It’s not as if he could say that, though. 

You seem kinda shy. It’s cute 

Let them speak, Remus. 

Both of them went silent, offering time to allow Janus to write. But he didn’t know what to say, how to explain… 

So he didn’t. He yanked down the sleeves of his pajama top, pulling the edges over his hands to hide the now dried golden  ink, and collapsed onto his bed, dooming himself to another night of restless sleep. 

----------------------------------------

If Janus had the choice, he wouldn’t have gone to school the next day. He would have laid curled up under his blanket, struggling to tune out the sound of his parents arguing, letting the world pass him by like an old camera reel. Janus didn’t have the choice though, not when he remembered it was nearing the end of the year and exam season was drawing closer, and then the bickering downstairs became motivation. Good grades would equal an out-of-state college, which would mean getting away from thrown dishes and slamming doors. 

Even so, that didn’t mean that Janus didn’t regret the entire day of school. It seemed like a breath of fresh air when the lunch bell rang and the students shuffled out of the class in a lump, leaving just him and Mr. Sanders behind, as per usual. Just as he reached down to pull his lunch out of his bag (just a handful of cold scrambled eggs he had set aside from his already meager breakfast), the teacher spoke.

“I actually have a meeting today, Jay. You’re gonna have to find a different place to have lunch.”

“What?” Janus recoiled as he spoke, his own voice sounding foreign to him. He hadn’t meant to talk back, half expecting a lecture, and was surprised when the teacher’s expression morphed into one of sympathy.

“Sorry, bud. It’s a staff meeting, and I couldn’t find a TA to watch the room over the break. It’s only for today. Cafeteria is open though, I’m sure you can find an empty table there. Or better yet,” He smiled softly, lifting his laptop bag onto his shoulder, “Sit with someone. I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

Janus picked up his bag as well, rushing from the room without a second glance. He didn’t feel like explaining that the reason he sat alone wasn’t his choice, and he couldn’t help it. He was just tired of being pushed away, so why not make the first move himself. 

The path to the cafeteria was hardly trodden by him, and he tried to take in the pictures of past grad classes on the wall for as long as possible before his time was up. The security guard marching the halls gave him a pointed look, reminding him that he couldn’t stay in the hallways during lunch, so he hunched his shoulders and walked into the lunch room. He cursed the weather under his breath for being so damn hot today; he would melt in his hoodie and gloves to cover the ink. Luckily the splatters on his face blended in enough with the skin tone to be unnoticeable. 

The first thing he noticed is that it was loud. People shouted, trays clattered, and Janus wanted nothing more than to curl up in his hoodie. Social interaction. Gross. The second was that Mr. Sanders had been right, there was a line of empty tables at the back that people seemed to avoid in favor of grouping together in the center. The third and final thing was the overwhelming sense of loneliness that flooded Janus as soon as he walked in. Sitting alone in an empty room was one thing, choosing to sit alone in a crowded room was another. 

For a split second, the teacher’s words ran through his mind, and he wondered briefly if he should join a group, only for his anxiety to immediately shut the idea down with a shriek of are you crazy?!

He chose the closest table to the door that was untouched and sat hesitantly, appetite lost. All he had to do was get through an hour of this, he thought painfully. If he paid close enough attention, he could tune into other people’s conversations, and if he closed his eyes and drifted far enough, he might actually imagine that he was a part of them. 

“Hi!”

Janus’ eyes shot open and he shrunk back as if he’d been slapped. Standing in front of him was a guy he recognized from his math class, bouncing on his heels enough to make his blonde curls fall into his eyes. He was grinning from ear to ear, gleaming teeth matching the white collar that stood out from under his blue sweater. 

“Do you want to sit with us?”

His critical glare didn’t deter the overly joyful guy as he gestured over Janus’ shoulder, encouraging him to look. He did, albeit reluctantly. Four people were sitting at the table behind him, three caught up in a spirited conversation. The last one was staring back at him owlishly through thick square glasses, and surprisingly, Janus wasn’t unsettled by the look. 

“Come sit with us!” The happy guy said again, looking like he was refraining himself from just grabbing Janus and pulling him over. His round glasses had started edging down his nose as he hopped from foot to foot.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep! Please?” He drew out the word for several seconds. Janus couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips, nodding mutely and gathering his backpack. His anxiety started again, pelting him with ‘they’re going to hate you’s and ‘this changes nothing’s, but he pushed them down resolutely. It was just the one meal. Tomorrow would be back to normal, eating lunch by himself in Mr. Sanders’ room. And he really couldn’t say no to that hopeful face. 

“Yay! Okay,” He led Janus to the table, dropping into one of the two empty seats and pointing to the one next to him. He took a deep breath before gushing on, “Sit! Okay, okay, okay, so I’m Patton, purple-hair is Virgil but they hate the name so you can just call them V. We all call them V. That’s Logan, and the twins are Roman and Remus. Remus has the white streak, but it’s actually really easy to tell them apart once you get to know them.”

Janus’ blood froze in the middle of Patton’s gleeful rant. Those names… those were all the names that kept popping up over the five months of secret soulmate snooping. That wasn’t a coincidence, right? Most of those names weren’t exactly common.

His eyes shifted to the two Patton had introduced as Remus and Logan, sitting shoulder to shoulder across from him. Remus had halted whatever he was talking so animatedly about in favor of greeting the newcomer, but Janus couldn’t get himself to wave back. Instead he dropped his gaze to their loosely intertwined hands on the table, feeling somewhat lightheaded at the identical golden stains covering both of them. 

So... he ran. He wasn’t proud of it, and he was somewhat certain that he’d made a scene, but he couldn’t do it. His own self doubt was crippling, all his fears rushing him full forced and reminding him just how little he mattered, how messed up his life had made him, how he would only ruin any possible relationship. This was all too real now. They fit so well to the picture he had unintentionally made of them in his mind; navy blue button up tops and slicked back hair, green bomber jackets and mussed up shoulder length curls. Eyes that glinted with barely concealed mirth, a dimpled grin revealing almost razor sharp canines. Two polar opposites, so perfectly built for each other, soulmates. He would just come along and ruin it. 

Screw the sun, he thought, as he sat on the scalding hot bleachers by the football field. To his extreme annoyance, tears had started drifting down his cheeks, and he hurriedly wiped them away from sheer habit. His dad didn’t like tears almost as much as he didn’t like Janus. It wasn’t like they would know it was him, right? All they knew was a stranger had been invited to their table and had booked it before they even got his name. So he could stay a mystery, a fly on the wall, for the rest of his days.

The all too familiar feeling on his arm was more of a curse now than it ever had been. Resigned to his fate, he rolled the sleeve up to read whatever the two were no doubt talking about. 

Hi. 

He looked around frantically despite his better judgment, his eyes landing on a figure standing at the end of the bench, uncapped pen in one hand and one blue sleeve rolled up. Logan regarded him with a careful look, locked in a staring contest that neither wanted to look away from. The other broke first, turning his focus to his steps across the rickety surface as he approached Janus. He took a seat, mumbling something about how hot it was, before scribbling something else onto his arm and capping the pen. Janus tried to fight the urge to look down at his own still-bare arm, but he couldn’t resist a quick peak.

I found him. Bleachers in the north field.

“Why don’t you take off the gloves, at least. It’s almost ninety degrees out.”

Welp. Apparently this was happening. “How did you know?” He whispered, not touching his gloves.

“Remus and I both felt naturally drawn to you as soon as you walked into the cafeteria. We could not and still can not explain it. When Patton followed our gaze, he was more than eager to invite you over. Not that he needed the prompting, I am certain he would have invited you over regardless of Remus’ and my feelings the moment you sat alone,” Logan stopped briefly, taking note of the new green smiley face under his last message, “Your reaction to our names and hands in rapid succession was enough to solidify our previous suspicions. That-” He pointed to the shared messages on their skin, “-was the final proof I needed.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, Janus at a complete loss for words, until a loud clang to their right grabbed both of their attentions. Remus was clinging to the railing like a vine, having climbed all the way from the bottom, he realized with a start. The older man crawled over the top and landed solidly, rattling the seats, before bouncing over to them.

“Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!” He plopped onto the bench in front of Janus, sitting backwards to face them. Consequently, he was slightly lower than the other two, and could see Janus’ usually ducked face for the first time. “Oooh, I like your birthmark! Is it a birthmark? Or a burn? Either way, I don’t care. I like it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Janus snarked before he could stop himself, his self protective tendency rising to the surface. Remus only giggled in response, manspreading a tad more and leaning forward on his elbows. 

“I like him, Logan. He’s feisty.”

“I’m so glad I have your approval.” He was on guard now, he couldn’t help it.

“Remus, stop pestering him. He just met us.”

Remus grumbled under his breath but held his tongue. Logan could silence him, he’d have to remember that for the future. If they had a future. He couldn’t help the sliver of hope since they had actually come to find him… but maybe it was to let him down easy. No clue.

“When did you turn eighteen?” The question shouldn’t have shocked him the way it did; it was a valid thought.

“Five months ago.”

And he waited, expecting the worst at the sharp intakes of breath from both of them. Expected them to stand up and leave. Expected them to call him a creep. Expected them to… anything, really. 

Well, anything except take his hands. Which they both did.

It was like they could speak telepathically, the way they seemed to be so in sync. Maybe that was a soulmate thing. Remus reached forward and weaved their fingers together at the same time that Logan placed his hand over Janus’ left one, squeezing it gently. They were both calming gestures in their own ways, and admittedly the most contact Janus had felt in maybe years. If that wasn’t enough to bring back his tears, Logan’s next words certainly were. 

“Why didn’t you write right away?”

“That’s so much missed time we could have spent together,” Remus chipped in, eyes surprisingly soft. 

“I…” Oh, for fuck’s sake. Better let them see how messed up he is now so they can walk away before he gets attached. More attached. “My parents are soulmates and they ended up hating each other. He’s a jerk, he hurts her and me and I didn’t want that to happen to me and my soulmate. Soulmates, I guess. Then the first thing I saw was you guys talking, and I realized, there’s two of you,” He laughed humorlessly, shrugging nonchalantly, “You wouldn’t be missing out if I never made myself known, and what kind of asshole would I be if I intruded on your relationship anyways? It’s not like I can add anything worthwhile. I’m not… that great of a person. I never have been. I have too much baggage and I’m pretty boring and I only scare people away so if I were you I’d get out while I had the chance.” His cracking voice gave away how he actually felt, and he despised himself for it. In all honesty, there was nothing he wanted more than to be held and loved and wanted. He’d never had that before in his life, was it a crime to not want to be pushed aside forever?

To his utter confusion, neither of them pulled away. He’d just vented to two strangers, and they were still as attentive as before. 

“Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that,” Remus hummed in a decent impression of John Mulaney, letting his thumb glide over Janus’. 

“So if I’m correct,” Logan stated in a tone that implied he usually was correct, “You didn’t contact us because you didn’t want to burden us, or get yourself hurt.”

“I mean… yeah.”

“I’m going to kill your dad,” Remus chirped all too brightly, “For hurting you. And for ever making you think that we would hurt you.” 

“Remus!”

“It’s true!”

Logan sighed heavily, “Remus is a little extreme, sometimes, but he is harmless. Look, I can assure you that your presumptions are entirely false. We would never harm you, and anything you’ve gone through in your past, what you call baggage, is not a deterrent to us in the slightest.”

“I have bipolar disorder, and a whole wacky past that we’ll get into another time,” Remus added, waving away Logan’s ‘shut up’ face, “And in the fifteen years I’ve known this nerd, he’s always stood by me.”

Janus knew it was supposed to feel better, but learning that the two have known each other since long before they knew they were soulmates suddenly made Janus feel that much more like he was intruding. Remus must have noticed his expression, because he quickly kept going.   

“All I mean is that we have our fair share of baggage, my multicolored friend-”

“Remus!”

“Both of us do. So you won’t be hurting us in any way, shape, or form. And we won’t hurt you either.”

Janus’ own doubts were still raging inside him, but each word they said was adding splashes of water, slowly dousing the flames, much to his dismay. Even Remus’ attempts at humor were delighting him in ways he wasn’t used to. 

“For some reason, the universe wants us together somehow. We’re meant to be in each other’s lives. Aw gross, that sounds like something Roman would-”

“Trusting us will be a slow process, and we understand that,” Logan interrupted smoothly, “You don’t need to believe our words, because we’ll prove it to you. Alright?” 

It took a second until Janus nodded, but he did. He could hardly understand it himself.

“Can you start by telling us your name?”

“Janus.” It was a near whisper, a confession of the name he’d disliked since he was old enough to get bullied by his peers.

“The two faced Roman god of decisions, doorways, and new beginnings,” Logan spouted as if on instinct.

“Janus,” Remus repeated slowly, before a huge grin stretched across his face, “I love it.”

[duskkodesh]

I had to subject someone I love to the Morbius movie. Thoughts that eluded me before (Spoilers ahead. Duh): They really wasted like five minutes on that terrible opening scene with the bats. This was a real decision someone made.

This kid looked NOTHING like Leto. Like I get there’s some suspension of disbelief but this kid has SO MANY freckles that Leto does not have and like... concealer is a thing. Why didn’t they at least make sure they looked alike?

Not a single person in Greece speaks Greek.

Imagining the horror of everyone around me calling me the name of the now dead people who got my room at a treatment center before me.

Why... why the untied shoes? He is a doctor. Give him loafers or crocs or oxfords that HAVE NO LACES. Does the director think that disabled people just wear their shoes untied?

Oh the CGI looks worse outside of a theatre. I watched it in digital XD and this is still wayyyyy clearer and that does not work in its favor. 

Let’s be real here. Legit Morb prolly didn’t even test on mice. He doesn’t think that far ahead. He just went right to self trials.

I hate that I fuckin want his coat but black and purple is my jam. (Sidenote, real Morb would be dressed like Matt Smith’s character. Looking like he crawled from the seventies.) 

You know the fact that this Martine is complicit in this test as opposed to the comic version who was lied to really kinda makes her morally dubious. Like shit, maybe don’t inject your coworker with weird substances on a boat when he asks?

Movie Morb honestly shakes during the transformation scene but... seems to be in no pain. Comic Morb screamed so badly from pain that his buddy shut the test down against his wishes. This is a shitty change.

The lack of actual blood in this movie is a crime committed against the viewer.

The 2019 comic did this attack sequence on the boat better and that was with still 2D images. 

Okay, comic Morbius jumped off the boat to kill himself. That was literally why. So... why did this Morbius jump off the boat? Why know he took the vials with him so... he’s planning on surviving. He coulda just taken a liferaft or hidden on the boat. It’s giant. 

In the scene when he’s off the boat and back in the lab and his legs do the wobbly thing HE STILL HASN’T TIED HIS SHOES?! Next scene when he’s jumping? Shoes are tied and honestly I think they are diff shoes. Echolocation scene? Shoes untied. Locked in the room scene? Shoes tied. At this point I feel I’m just being anal but honest to god I know someone in a wheelchair who likes cute shoes so she just asked me to tie them for her. No big deal.

Matt Smith really does carry this whole thing on his back like freaking Atlas, but also Stroud and Rodriguez are treasures and we were robbed of them. 

There is no consistency in this movie. Even things like the spoon in Martine’s jello cup move multiple times between shots when no one has touched it.

How is there THAT much staff in the building and someone just then finding the dead nurse?

Stroud really did get up about fifteen stories of a building in 20 seconds. 

These guys really saw Morb scale that stairwell and they didn’t have any kind of superhuman containment? Are Venom and Morb the only two supes in this particular universe?

Posters in the bus station: a guy outlined with the word Basilisk across him. Okay, well played. The Lion King? Disney no... Does... does that poster on the left say Demon-Fire? Okay props guys actually read the damn comics! Thomas and Kane. Oh. Oh my heart. Thank you props team! There’s another poster I can barely make out, “Blood of the Corrupt.” 

How the heck DID he get on that bus? How did he get his clothes back? 

Going from taking down pimps and rapists (Comic) to taking down counterfeiters (Movie) is a severe downgrade. 

Every bit of dialog after the diner scene does not match Morb’s speech patterns in the slightest. I cannot ever picture this man saying “Kicks everyone’s asses”

Lucien’s decorating is superb. Like the room that dance sequence is in? 10/10

The bar scene drags far too long. Run time is scarce, it would have been better spent elsewhere.

I still like Martine just freaking scolding Morb for going vampy and slapping the floor. Only thing better would be if she had a spray bottle of cold water and spritzed him with it.

The phrase ‘full Dracula’ should have been nowhere in the general vicinity of this script.

The character deaths in here just have no emotional impact. They feel flat, mostly because Leto doesn’t emote at all. Could they have used CG to make him actually look distressed? 

Also wow he sure stands there a hell of a long time after hearing Martine in trouble. Like... real Morb would act first and zero in on her WHILE running towards the noise. I don’t know how many times I have to reiterate that Morbius does NOT THINK.

This final fight is just as bad as I remember. So bad. Terrible.I am going to spend the rest of my life explaining to others why his powers do not work that way. They could have honestly played Voltaire’s Raised By Bats during the credits and they didn’t. The cowards.

“Based on the Marvel comics” Liars. The credits be like “Dr. Michael Morbius. Dr. Emil Nicholas... Martine Bancroft.”

[twoidiotwriters1]

Iron 10 (Peter Parker x Fem!Oc)

Words:  3, 238

Masterlist

Chapter 9

"And how am I supposed to learn to control them if they forbid me to do anything?" Lily asks from the back seat.

“We’ll talk to your father. Depending on what happens, we’ll send them the necessary equipment,” informs Fury.

"Depending on what happens?"

"Legal aspects.”

"As which?"

"Lily, one problem at a time," Nat interrupts.

“Fine. Where are we going?"

"Do you want a donut?"

"Sure!"

The van pulls up outside the Randy’s Donuts store, Fury comes out. They both look at him from inside the car. Tony’s sitting on the huge donut.

"Why did we come for him?” She grits her teeth, remembering the annoyance towards her father.

"You two should talk," Nat says.

"I don’t want to.”

"If you want us to help you, that is the condition.”

Lily turns away from the window and folds her arms looking at the redhead.

"You didn't say anything about conditions.”

"Now there are.”

"It's not fair,” She sighs and then looks at Nat's outfit. "Why do you wear that? Is it your super spy uniform?"

 "Something like that. You like it?"

“You look weird, but I like it. Do you have weapons or explosives?"

“Perhaps."

The agent receives an order from her intercom. She responds and returns to the girl.

"Come on, I'll buy you a donut."

They both get out of the truck and enter the premises. Nat asks Lily a chocolate donut and walks to the chairs where Tony and Fury are, while the girl takes the donut from her and sits in an armchair away from them, with her back to them.

"Huh!" Tony says when he sees Natasha in a new outfit "You're... fired.”

"That's not up to you,” answers the redhead sitting down.

"Tony, I want you to meet Agent Romanoff,” adds Fury.

“Hi."

"I'm a S.H.I.E.L.D. shadow. Once we knew you were ill or out of control, I was tasted to you by Director Fury. Besides taking care of your daughter in risky situations,” She tilts her head towards Lily.

Tony frowns and looks away to meet the little girl, eating a donut while she swings her legs. He goes back to the redhead.

"I suggest you apologize,” answers Tony.

"You've been very busy," continues Fury. “You made your girl your CEO, you’re giving away your stuff, you neglect your daughter without taking into account the high priority over her powers, you let your friend fly way with your suit. Now, if I did’nt know better—”

 Tony rolls his eyes. Again, someone else scolding him for whatever stupid thing he does. Although he now knows that he did screw up, he doesn't want to hear it again. He has enough with his own mind.

"You don't know better. I didn’t give it to him. He took it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, He took it?" asks Fury. “You’re Iron Man and he just took it? The Little brother walked in there, kicked your ass and took your suit?" He says. “Is that possible?"

“Well, according to Mr. Stark’s database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorized usage,” answers Nat.

Tony snorts.

"What do you want from me?"

“What do we want from you? Uh-uh,” Fury says as Natasha gets up. “What do you want from me? You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the center of my universe,” He scolds him.

In that, Natasha injects something into Tony making him scream. The conversation is overheard by Lily, but only when he complains does she turn around.

"Oh, god, are you gonna steal my kidney and sell it?" Tony asks.

Natasha moves Tony's head and Fury sees the lines on Stark's neck slowly disappear.

Fury explains what the substance they just injected does to him.

“Give me a couple of boxes of that. I'll see right as rain."

"It's not a cure, it just abates the symptoms,” Nat explains.

"You need to get back to work, Stark," Fury says and Tony sighs. "And by Stark, I mean both," He points back.

Lily realizes that he sees her and turns away.

 "I don't think she wants to work as a team now."

“She has her reasons. You are a terrible companion.”

***

They all return home to Malibu. Tony and Nick sit on the terrace, now destroyed. They both talk about the reactor, the technology that Howard Stark couldn't finish, and about Vanko father and son.

Fury takes it upon himself to explain everything to Tony, while Lily returns from her room after making sure that no one had destroyed her. Nat had told him what happened with Rhodes and Tony.

The little girl walks to sit on the stairs that lead to the terrace, listening to the adults.

“You told me I hadn't tried everything. What do you mean I haven’t tried everything? What haven’t I tried?" Tony points out.

"He said that you were the only person with the means and knowledge to finish what he started.”

"He said that?"

“Are you that guy? Hmm? Are you? ‘Cause if you are, then you can solve the riddle of your heart. Or maybe, I should be discussing this with your daughter."

Tony winces and shakes his head. Lily frowns.

"I don't know where you get your information, but he wasn't my biggest fan," says Tony.

"I'm not either," adds Lily, resting her chin on her arm. Tony glances at her.

"What do you remember about your dad?"

This catches the girl's attention.

 “He was cold, he was calculating. He never told me he loved me. He never even told me he liked me, so it’s a Little tough for me to digest then you’re telling me he said the whole future was riding on me an’s passing it down. I don't get that."

Hearing that, Lily feels a little sorry for Tony. Only a little. She imagines how  could be her grandfather when Tony was her age.

"You're talking about a guy whose happiest day was when he shipped me off to boarding School.”

"That’s not true.”

"Well, then, clearly you knew my dad better than I did.”

“As a matter of fact, I did. You can believe and think many things about him, but knowing all that, do you really want Lily to think the same about you?" says Fury and then finishes his drink. More agents appear to drop off several suitcases. "Well then, what else will I know about one of the founding members of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

"What?"

All three get up. Lily walks over to see the suitcase.

"What’s this?" Tony asks pointing at her.

"You got this, right?" asks Fury.

"Got what? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to get,” answers Tony nervously.

“Natasha will remain a floater at Stark with her cover of her intact. And you remember Agent Coulson, right?"

“Yeah."

They both greet each other.

 "Oh, and Tony,” says Fury before leaving. "After you fix this whole mess, we should talk about Lily's new training, she needs it more than you do. And remember, I got my eye on you.”

The latter makes Lily laugh.

Natasha and Coulson explain to Tony what to do and what not to do, while Lily walks over to the suitcase.

Property of H.Stark

"Okay, time to work, Kid," says Tony.

“No," Lily walks away. "We've been together for several hours and you haven't even apologized, and now you're just hoping that I'll help you?"

Tony raises an eyebrow, shifting uncomfortably.

“Basically."

Lily looks at him in disbelief.

"I don't want to, I won't help you,” She says and then returns to her room.

***

The truth is that Lily does want to help him, but she knows he doesn't deserve it. Moreover, she cannot be alone in her room doing nothing. She wants to know what’s in that suitcase, but she doesn't want Tony to find out about her.

An idea crosses her mind. She may not be the stealthiest, but she is the only thing she has. She goes into the living room of her destroyed house and presses the hidden button on the emergency elevator that goes alone to the workshop. She enters it and after a few seconds arrives at the workshop.

 All the lights are off and Tony is sitting in an armchair facing a projection. Lily sneaks up behind the old project.

They both watch the old Howard Stark tapes, rehearsing the presentation of what is now Stark Expo. The man has several mistakes with words, but something else calls him the attention to the girl. Just as a little boy comes out the other side of the desk where Howard presents a model. The boy takes one of the pieces and Howard notices.

“Tony, what are you doing back there? What is that? Put that back!” He scolds him.

Lily leans in to get a better look at the boy version of her father. Now she can see the resemblance between Howard and Tony when scolding their children, but is also fun to watch.

Several takes with more errors follow.

“So, from all of us at Stark Industries, I’d like to personally show you my ass,” says Howard. Lily can't help but laugh at his words, giving away her presence. Although Tony had listened to her since she arrived.

"I know you're in there, kid. You're too curious to miss this,” She comes out of her hiding place, crawling on the ground until she reaches the other side of the projector.

"I'm still mad.”

Tony sighs.

"I know,” He leans in the chair and sets aside a notebook.

“Tony," says Howard causing both of them to return to the screen. “You’re too young to understand this right now, so I thought I would put this film for you. I built this for you. And Someday you'll realize that it represents a whole lot more than just people’s inventions. It represents my life’s work. This is the key to the future,” He shows the model and the reactor. “I'm limited by the technology of my time, but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is and always will be my greatest creation… is you,” The tape ends.

 "Do you think Grandpa Howard would love me?" Lily asks when the lights come on.

Tony laughs when he hears ‘Grandpa Howard’, he’s sure he wouldn’t like to be called that.

"I don’t know. Maybe he would love you more than me,” He looks at Lily.

"I am more adorable than you.”

Tony nods, unable to fight back. He sighs. He thinks about the words of his father and wonders why he was never like this with him when they were together. Why does he have to find out about this from a tape or from other people? Then he thinks of his own daughter and Fury's words come back to him.

Tony doesn't want Lily to grow up thinking that he was worse than Howard, he knows what he did.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you that day," He begins.

"And?" She says crossing her arms.

"And sorry for what you had to witness at the party.”

"And?"

Tony purses his lips.

“I'm sorry I failed you. I shouldn't have left you alone, or yell at you, or lie to you.”

"Nat told me that your chest was killing you,” He nods. "Didn't it occur to you to ask for help?"

“It is somewhat complicated. When you say that you are dying, everyone panics.”

"But then they help you.”

 "I guess so.”

Lily feels a lump in her throat. Just remembering that, she again feels afraid of losing her father without even knowing something about what was really going on.

"I don't like that you hide things from me or lie to me," she says with a broken voice.

“Sorry."

"No, you must promise that you won’t do it again,” she interrupts him.

Tony watches Lily's determination.

"I promise.”

“Mr. Fury said we are a team. You must do your part,” she says as she gets up.

"Mr. Fury?"

"Dad!"

"Okay, okay, I got it!” He argues. In that he remembers an unfinished business. Tony stayed for a moment in the destroyed mansion and as he passed through the kitchen he saw a burned box on the sides.

He walks over to his desk with Lily following him. He removes the remains from the box and carefully takes the gift from him.

"It's a good try…”

"But you didn't even open it," she complains.

"I'm sorry, but you were missing some details.”

Lily rolls her eyes.

 "I put it together by watching a video, it's not as if you had explained each part to me.”

“That can change. Do you remember the rules we agreed upon the first time you were in the workshop?" She nods. “Forget the question limit. From now on, you must ask.”

Lily can't help but smile.

“Agree."

"So, are we good now?"

"Yup, but if you do something wrong, I'll tell Mr. Fury to scold you again."

"He didn't scold me," He complains.

"Whatever you say. Now what shall we do?"

Tony sighs and then winces.

“I must go to Pepper, stay here and cover me with the secret agents. I will not be late.”

"Good luck.”

***

After a few hours, Tony returns with the demo that his father had shown on the tapes. He arms it on various tables.

“Cool," says Lily approaching.

Tony orders Jarvis to scan every detail so he can manipulate it, he takes the hologram and moves it away from the table.

“Open your eyes wide, Kid. The answer to our problems is here,” says Tony giving her a bench and he sits on another. They both look at the model.

"What do we have to look for?"

"A new element.”

“Easy," she says sarcastically.

"My father put it here, we just have to move some things,” He brings the projection towards the center, a sphere.

"He must have something at the core," Tony whispers.

Lily sees what is around.

"What if…?”

"What?"

"What if we put everything together?"

Tony frowns, but an idea crosses his mind.

Little by little, Tony is gathering the important aspects towards the center of the Expo and in each step, he’s explaining Lily. In the end he manages to find a new element, the possible solution to the problem of intoxication.

"Dead for almost twenty years, and still taking me to school,” He says watching his creation. "Nice work, Kid.”

She smiles.

"How will you make it work?" She asks.

"Unfortunately, it’s impossible to synthesize," reports Jarvis.

Tony gets up from his chair.

“Get ready for a major remodel, fellas! We're back in hardware mode. C’mon, kid.”

Between Lily and Tony - mostly Tony - they break down some walls, open the floor and use any energy source in the mansion to connect it to the workshop part. They both open some boxes that S.H.I.E.L.D left them and use every material they have on hand.

"Hold the lamp," Tony tells her.

"It's what I'm doing,” Lily claims while she also tries to see what Tony is doing.

"More to the right.”

"What does that do?"

“Gives more energy. Bring the lamp closer…”

In the meantime, neither of them notices that Phil walks into the shop.

"I heard you broke the perimeter,” says the agent.

"Whoops" says Lily.

"Uh, yeah. That was, like, three years ago. Where have you been?" Tony answers.

"I was doing some stuff.”

"Yeah, well, us too, and it worked.”

Coulson checks the boxes. He pulls out some kind of unfinished shield.

"What’s that?" asks Lily.

“It’s exactly what we need to make this work. Lily, take it,” She obeys. "Lift the coil,” He says to Coulson and between them they lift it up a bit. Enough for Lily to put it under. Tony sets the leveler. “Perfectly level. I'm busy what do you want?"

 Coulson warns him that he must go on another mission and says goodbye.

"Glad to see you are a part of it, Lily.”

"It was not easy,” she answers making him laugh.

The hours pass and they both go back to work. In the end, Tony gives Lily some special glasses and explains what they will do.

The energy is concentrated in the device.

"Initializing prismatic accelerator," reports Jarvis. Suddenly a fine laser is projected and reflected off a material.

"Get behind me,” Tony orders him.

Stark operates the machine with the laser, but not before cutting part of the wall where he directs it.

"Oh oh.”

“Oops!"

With difficulty, the laser reaches the small inverted triangle that Tony prepared so that the power would be trapped there. After a few minutes, they turn off the machine. Tony approaches and with tweezers takes the triangle and puts it in the reactor. The item’s accepted.

"We did it?" Lily asks.

“We did it."

She sighs in relief, right now she feels the exhaustion. She walks over to the couch and sits on it.

"Wake me up when we're in trouble," she warns him.

"Why would we be in trouble?"

 "Rhodey says we have that talent.”

"Makes sense.”

In that a beep is heard.

"Incoming call and with a blocked number, sir,” warns Jarvis.

“My phone privilege is reinstated. Lovely. Kid, we have the phone back!"

“Great," she answers from the couch.

"Coulson. How’s the land of enchantment?"

"Hey. Tony. How you doing?” The voice is unknown to Lily so she settles in the chair and leans out. "I doubled cycle."

"You what?"

“You told me double cycle’s more power. Good advice.”

"You sound pretty sprightly for a dead guy.”

"What?" whispers Lily. She gets up and walks over to Tony. He makes a sign so that she doesn't make noise.

"You too,” answers the man.

Tony removes his microphone from the call.

"Trace him,” he orders Jarvis.

“Now, the true history of Stark name will be written. Your secrets will be revealed at any moment."

"What is he talking about, dad?"

Tony ignores her and keeps checking the call.

 “What your father did to my family over forty years, I will do to you in forty minutes and I will make sure your offspring disappear. I hope you're ready,” He says, and then hangs up.

Tony sees Justin Hammer's announcement at Stark Expo on another screen, and based on the coordinates of the call, Vanko may have something planned for the event. He gets up and takes the new reactor.

"Dad?"

Stark replaces the reactor in his chest, after coughing a bit, the man feels the difference.

"Time to go,” He says walking towards his armor.

"Hey! No. You promised—”

"I have to go, Lily."

“But, you must tell me what happens. You promised not to lie to me,” She gets in her way. He sighs.

"Vanko, the man who tried to kill me in Monaco, wants to do something at the Expo and I have to stop him.”

“What does he plan to do?"

"I'm not sure. You must stay here. I'll talk to Fury about sending agents here. Turn on the TV, I'm sure they'll put it on,” He continues on his way.

“Dad," He turns again. "Be careful, please.”

Tony smiles and nods.

"Stay in the workshop in case I need your help.”

"You got it.”

Taglist:

@silenthappyplace​​ @yourbonesareinmybody​ @aylauwuuniverse    @skittles-skittles​ @hufflepuffzutara​ @poetryislife0715 @21bruhs​ @heavenlymistakes​ @my-love-of-books​ @dielgonacoffee​

[3pirouette]

Fic: An Experimental Design (5/?)

Title: An Experimental Design

By: TriplePirouette/3Pirouette

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Distribution: AO3 Anyone else please ask first :) 

Story Summary: Sequel to “What Number?”, also prompted from Steggy Bingo Bash Prompts.  Takes place about a week after that fic.

A/N: So, despite my realization (with the help of a fabulous anon) that once Bucky falls off the train there’s only a day to maybe a week of time that passes before Steve takes down the Valkyrie, I’ve decided that in this fic it’s way more time, and that’s super important to the plot. Bucky went down months ago, at least 6. Please just go with it. 

Also, this is now rated EXPLICIT. if you’re not into adult content, well… believe me, you’ll know when to stop. (But if you’re already here, I’m pretty sure you don’t care about adult content ;) )

Also, I REALLY need to know if some of your headcanons were right. Please tell me!!

Chapter 5: The Experiment

~*~

“We found about a third of a file from some other poor woman. Age, height, eye color don’t match Peg.” Howard chewed on his lip as he slid the file over to them. Steve, holding Peggy’s hand under the table, took the file and pushed it between them, flipping to the first page. “It’s an offshoot of something they’ve dubbed the Winter Soldier Project.” Steve eyes popped up in interest, but Howard just shook his head. “We haven’t found much else on that except the name and it involves a single male subject. At least for now.”

“Give us the short version,” Peggy said smartly, pulling her eyes away from the documents.

Howard sighed, wringing his hands together. “Well… it’s…” He started and stopped, looking anywhere but them.

Steve couldn’t hide the concern in his voice. “It’s that bad?”

Howard slumped back. “It’s not good.”

In her usual fashion, Peggy was still the most pragmatic in the room. “Then, out with it.”

“The uh, one page has a name on it: Project Anchor.” He sat tall again and pulled the file from them, looking for the right translated pages. “I don’t know how this works, so don’t ask. We’re missing massive amounts of data. And to be honest, I’m really only guessing at a lot of it.”

“Howard…” Steve prompted, forcing the man to look up at him.

He swallowed, finally looking his friends in the eyes. “It seems their Winter Soldier Project is akin to our Project Rebirth. Project Anchor was their way to… to keep their man under control.”

Peggy eyed him warily, “Keep the man under control? Then why experiment specifically on women?”

Howard rubbed his face, clearing his throat. He took a deep breath, gathered his courage, and looked Peggy in the eyes. “Because the woman was what was going to keep him under control. The anchor. They were trying to pair bond their subject to a woman. Create false love, or need, and then use her as collateral.”

Steve looked over at Peggy, taking her hand and squeezing tightly. “Give him a reason to stay in line.”

Howard nodded. “Exactly.” He scratched his head then laid three pages out before them, pointing. “This page refers to some kind of injection derived from their variant of the serum. Our linguistics guy says he thinks they’ve created some of these terms, because there aren’t clear translations. Best he can translate and I can tease out it works like some kind of bacteria or virus, bonding itself to cells through the subject’s body- specifically on the nervous system- which allows it to act as an irritant.” He shifted to the next page. “This talks about a two part process, but we haven’t been able to find anything about the second part, or even if they were able to get to it.” He pointed at the third page, eyes on Peggy. “This page describes the same kinds of pain you’re talking about, Peggy, but just the pain part. I don’t think they ever introduced their subject to their male counterpart, so she only ever felt pain.”

Despite Steve holding her hand, Howard could see Peggy’s anxiety ratchet up, her breathing get shallow as her heart rate started to go up with fear. “What happened to her, Howard?”

He stroked his mustache, trying to avoid saying, but he knew they’d read it for themselves. He gathered the papers and shuffled them together, slipping them back into the folder. “She died.” He coughed, folding his hands. “Supposedly they were going to do an autopsy, but we don’t have that page.”

“Well, what do you have?” Steve asked, his tone dark and eyes starting to narrow. “You’ve got to give us something to work with here, Howard!”

“You think I’m not trying to?” Howard shot back sharply. “If Erskine were still here we’d have a hope, a hope, of really understanding what’s going on. The cellular biology was all him. I’ve got a handle on it, but there is so much that I don’t know…”

“Well, you should!” Steve pounded his fist on the table. “We need more than this!”

“Steve!” Peggy, took her other hand, laying it on his shoulder, “he’s doing his best.”

Steve groused, eyes on Howard. “Well, it’s not good enough.”

“I’ve got that,” Howard said strongly, chin set as he pointed at Steve. Steve, still incensed, didn’t budge, but Peggy turned, interested. “You’re not like this, Steve. You’ve never raised your voice at anyone as long as I’ve known you unless they were Hydra and on the wrong side of your shield.” Howard shook his head and pulled out the paper from his pocket. “I haven’t shown anyone this.”

Peggy and Steve read the two and a half sentences; Peggy gripping Steve’s hand tighter. “Breeding?”

“They had to have more than that one woman and you, Peg. There had to be so much more research somewhere that got them to this point. I’m looking, and I can’t find it, but I know it. They’ve been developing and testing this for far too long for us to not notice.” He sighed. “Whatever’s in your body reacted to the serum in Steve. Maybe it was when you touched, or it had to be a body fluid transfer when you kissed or something to that effect. I don’t know yet, but it’s in you, too, Steve.” Howard looked sadly at his friend. “It apparently wasn’t enough to make the woman be in lust or love, to tug on this poor guy’s heartstrings ‘cause she was in jeopardy, they’re altering the male counterpart, too, to feel hyper aggressive and hyper protective.”

“Like animals in heat,” Peggy mused out loud, disturbed. Her chin wavered as she pieced it together. “They give their soldier a mate that he cares about, loves even, and then threatens her with pain and even death if he’s gone too long, all the while hyping up his system so…”

“So that he’ll do anything to guarantee her safety.” Steve hung his head, unable to look at Howard. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” Howard said softly. “I think that’s the understatement of the year.”

Steve hung his head, running his free hand through his hair. “So, what do we do?”

Howard only frowned at them.

~*~

The small base dorm room meant for visiting ranking officials wasn’t the worst place she’d ever been, but the fact that she knew Steve was on the other side of the wall and they weren’t going to be allowed to see one another until she was writhing in pain was absolutely weighing on her mind.

She knew it was their only course of action. It didn’t mean she had to like it. She sat on the bed, thinking she should be happy that Howard at least had a lead as to what was going on, but it left her hollow. The what was bad enough, but the why was swirling in her brain.

They’d planned to introduce her to a man she didn’t know and bond her to him forever by rage and pain.

And potentially children they planned on weaponizing.

She wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that Steve had managed to touch her first.

~*~

It had only been an hour, but Steve was pacing like a caged tiger in the room next to Peggy’s.

He knew, deep down, Howard was right. He knew he hadn’t been behaving rationally when it came to Peggy since he’d brought her back. He should have made her go see Howard, shouldn’t have allowed her to hide for as long as she did.

But now, he could see it.

He could think back and realize there was more at work than just the love and care that had building withing him from the moment he met her. The drive, the desire to keep her safe reverberated in the back of his skull, fighting with the rational part of him. It felt like an animal was trying to claw its way out of himself.

He had to force himself to not pounce on the nurse who knocked on his door and came in with a smile, tasked with taking his vitals and drawing blood.

~*~

Four hours in, Howard stared at her as the nurse drew her blood. “It would be more helpful if we could take samples from you every hour, just like Steve, but you won’t recover as fast.”

Peggy nodded, looking away as the nurse filled the vials. “If I have to feel like a pincushion for a bit, just make it worth it.”

He nodded, pulling out a small notebook from his pocket. “Give me a rundown of your symptoms.”

“Fingertips and toes are starting to get numb, arms are achy, and my chest feels heavy.” She rubbed her arm as the nurse stepped back, watching as the woman pulled out a thermometer and blood pressure cuff.

“Zero to ten?” he asked without looking up.

“One.” She held her mouth open and let the nurse slide the thermometer in, taking around it. “Took much longer to start to come on this time. Usually, my fingers start to tingle as soon as I leave him.”

Howards eyebrows raised. “Interesting.”

~*~

Six hours and counting, and he didn’t want to eat. Didn’t feel hungry. Couldn’t concentrate. All he kept thinking about was that Peggy was on the other side of the wall and he couldn’t do a damn thing to help her.

Howard had stopped asking how he felt when he came in every hour, on the hour, mostly because he didn’t need to. Steve couldn’t stop himself from ranting at the man, a man who was his friend, for keeping them apart.

Even though he knew why they were doing it. Even though he understood exactly why it was so important they had real, tangible data about what was happening in his and Peggy’s bodies so Howard could find some way to fix or counteract it.

The only thing Steve found he was able to do was pace, keep moving, and try to burn off the anger and anxiety building up in him.

~*~

At eight hours in she was a four, little shocks of lightning through her body, everything hypersensitive, muscles starting to feel tight and painful, head swimming and aching. It was all she could do to sit up and talk to Howard when they came in to check on her. Though they didn’t draw blood every time, they still had her spit in a vile, checked her pulse and blood pressure, checked her temperature.

If Howard was finding anything, he was being tight lipped.

Peggy wasn’t sure if the anxiety of the experiment was ratcheting everything up, or of the knowledge that Steve was just on the other side of the wall made her feel more on edge.

She knew what happened to her at a 5, and at a 6, and once she hit a seven she wasn’t sure how long she could go without walking through that door.

~*~

Howard locked Steve’s door at hour nine, though he knew it wouldn’t stop him if he was determined. He locked Peggy’s door at hour eleven as her pain started creeping up exponentially faster. She could only tell him so much as her mind unfocused quickly as they talked, distracted by the agony she was feeling.  

He could only run each test so fast, but the logs were filling up with data quickly. So quickly, he wasn’t going to have time to analyze it, but rather just keep running each test until he had all of it.

He had no idea what any of it meant yet.

~*~

Howard found her sitting on the floor, most of her clothes torn off until she was in just her slip, pressed against the wall.

“Peg?” he asked softly, shooing the nurse behind him back into the hallway.

“I’m right here,” he heard Steve’s voice through the wall, “I promise. I’m so close, Peg.”

“I don’t know how much more I can take,” she sobbed, the tears falling fast. “It hurts everywhere.”

“What are you at? How bad?”

“Eight,” she muttered, letting her forehead fall against the wall. “It’s an eight, but I know what’s coming.”

Howard slipped back out, sure she’d known he was there, but unwilling to eavesdrop anymore.

~*~

“You have to let her get to a ten!” Howard shouted at Steve. He hated that the man could hear her moans from his room, hated that Steve was forced to let her wallow like this, experiment or not.

“I don’t have to anything!” Steve yelled, moving forward.

Howard stepped back. Even though he was reasonably certain Steve wouldn’t hurt him, he wasn’t used to this side of the man. Howard, for his part, still didn’t back down, it was one of his more pigheaded traits. “Well, if you want me to figure out what’s wrong with her, you do have to.”

They heard Peggy moan through the wall, a pitiful, guttural sound. Howard had just come from there. Her eight was creeping up to a nine in record time.

Steve moved forward again, but this time Howard pressed himself up against the door, arms splayed out to try to keep Steve from leaving. “Just remember this, Steve: you go in there right now, we have to do this again. If you touch her before she gets to a ten, we have to do this to her again. Don’t make me do that. You know I don’t want to.”

Steve looked at him, eyes dark and angry, and paced away, growling in frustration.

“Just…” Howard took a deep breath, “Just try to hold it together for her, ok?” He opened the door, stopping halfway out. “Do it for her.”

~*~

Peggy couldn’t take it anymore. She’d tried to hold back, tried to stay quiet, but she couldn’t breathe when she buried her head into the pillow to muffle the cries. The pain had crept up on her fast, growing in a way she hadn’t experienced before. She couldn’t help the moans, had the let something try to get out with the screams.

She couldn’t come up with ideas and theories, not when her head was pounding like her skull was too small and her whole body ached with muscle pain and her joints felt like they were full of broken glass and there were electrical shocks everywhere through her.

“Tell me this is it, Peg,” Howard pleaded, kneeling at her bedside. “Just say ten. All you gotta say is ten and I can let this be over…”

She moaned as the nurse drew a vile of blood. The nurse and Howard both jumped when they heard the first bang against the wall.

Steve.

“Peg, just say ten. Then I can let him in.” Another bang shook the painting off the wall, the glass shattering on the floor. “We’ll be out of here and you two do whatever you need to do to make this right, ok?” Another crash, this time accompanied by the sound of the plaster cracking. “Just say ten, please?”

She curled into a ball on the bed, not reacting to the way the plaster was starting to chip or how Steve’s rhythm quickened as she writhed.

“Jesus,” Howard stood, rubbing his hands over his mouth. “I’m calling it. It’s a ten. She can’t even talk.”

The nurse was about to ask him to help her take Peggy’s blood pressure when the wall across from them boomed, a large crack running down the middle.

He grabbed her arm, pulling swiftly. “Nope. Out. You don’t want to be here for this.”

~*~

He didn’t know what he was doing, but he couldn’t stop.

There was a part of him that said the door is right there but there was another part of him, a bigger part of him, that needed to get to Peggy and he knew that she was just on the other side of that wall.

He’d listened, powerless, as she cried out for hours, as she tried to bear the pain herself when he was so close.

He’d sat on the floor, talking to her through the plaster until she couldn’t string sentences together anymore. He stayed there, feeling just a little bit closer to her, even when he’d heard Howard and the nurse lift her back into the bed.

He’d stood, faced the wall, and there was only one choice: through. So he’d punched it. And again, and again. It felt good to punch it, like there was something he was doing, something he could do, to make this better.

But punching wasn’t enough. It chipped the plaster and made a small hole, but he wasn’t going to get through the wall just by punching. He stepped back, took a deep breath, and fell against it, shoulder first.

He didn’t feel it, couldn’t feel anything, but smiled to himself when the plaster on his side started falling away, the wall bowed out. He pulled the chunks of plaster down, breathing heavy as he knew his mission was almost over. He was almost there. He took two steps back, and ran.

~*~

Steve crashed into Peggy’s room just as the door closed behind Howard. He skidded to a halt, plaster dust on him, broken glass and wall at his feet.

Peggy looked up from the bed, another cry falling from her lips as she curled in on herself.

He pulled at the collar of his t-shirt, ripping it off as he took two steps to the bed, falling to his knees and crawling up her body. Steve wasn’t thinking, only reacting, as he ripped the slip from her skin, baring her fully to him. He dropped down, pressing his bare upper body to hers, the touch of skin-to-skin pulsing through them like warm water rushing over them. Her arms clamped around him, holding him to her as his face rooted against her neck, licking and kissing the skin. “I’m here,” he mumbled against her neck. “I’m here.”

She could only concentrate on breathing, the press of him against her washing over her, soothing and igniting her at the same time. Pain slowly ratcheted down and started to move to needing and wanting as he kissed and licked along her collar bone, his hips rutting against hers as she tried to wrap her thighs around him.

She pulled him down, his weight pressing her into the mattress giving her just the tiniest bit more relief. Her breath caught when his lips found hers, his tongue already insistent and tasing her, despite her lazy, uncoordinated attempts to kiss him back. Her body didn’t feel like hers anymore, it felt heavy and weighted and like she was fighting to come back to life.

“What do you need?” he asked, dragging his lips to her ear to suck on her earlobe. “Tell me.” She didn’t know how to form words, couldn’t make her mouth do more than suck at the skin of his shoulder. She pulled him close, pushing her hands down over his back to his hips, clawing ineffectually at the waistband of his pants.

He knew what he wanted, knew what his body was screaming at him, what his body wanted him to take and how he wanted to do it, but he needed her to say it. Needed to know that despite everything that had happened to them, she wanted the same. He dragged his face back up, pulling away just inches to look at her.

Her eyes blinked open and her limbs tightened as he pulled away, the fear clear in her gaze that she thought he was trying to get away from her.

“Tell me,” he tried to whisper, tightening his embrace, but his voice was harsh and gruff.

Her chin wavered, the fear falling away as she tried to catch her breath. “You,” she finally breathed out. “All of you.”

His kiss was fierce, deep and demanding and she felt it set her heart beating harder. He pressed up on one elbow, pushing the other hand between them and fumbling with his belt and pants. She tried to help him, pushing with her feet as he pushed down with his one hand, his pants and boxers moving stiltedly down his legs at the same time.

His pants caught at his ankles, bunching around the boots he never took off. He moved to stand but Peggy held tight, moving more from muscle memory than from conscious thought as she flipped him over, body pressed tight to his.

She shook as she pressed up on her knees, hand reaching between them to wrap around his length, hot and hard in her palm. She watched him struggle to stay still under her, felt his hands flex and relax against her skin, the grip tightening only barely perceptibly. She moved slowly, eyes locked on his, as she lifted her hips and shifted him into position, bit her lip as she sank down on him and moaned.

She threw her head back when her hips met his, groaning at the tendrils of pleasure that finally, finally started moving through her, cooling spirals through every inch that neutralized the pain and sparked passion, true passion, that wasn’t dictated by a feeling or a sensation.

Peggy wanted to look, wanted to see Steve beneath her, but couldn’t seem to muster the energy to open her eyes, she couldn’t even quite make herself move as she wallowed in the sensation of the pain finally, finally leaving her body.

She could feel his hands at her hips, fingers tightening and loosening with each breath. She grabbed them, dragged them up her body until he was palming her breasts, gently squeezing under her own hands. She let her hands slide down his arms, landing at his shoulders by touch alone, her breath finally coming in slow, deep breaths instead of the shallow stilted gasps she could barely manage before from the pain.

Eyes still closed, she began to rock her hips against his, small movements that made him moan under her. Tiny, little changes in direction that made the pleasure spark through her system like fireworks. His fingers found her nipples, playing and teasing as her movements became bolder, as she started to find a rhythm. She took her hands and moved them back up to his, plastering his hands to her body moaning, “more,” under her breath a she moved her hands up and down his arms.

He moved his hand as she blinked open her eyes for the first time, looking down at him, lust glazing her eyes over. He pressed his palm up over her chest, around her neck and up to cradle her cheek. She turned her head into his hand, closing her eyes again as her hips gained speed, nuzzling into his hand and nipping at his thumb before sucking it deep in her mouth, swirling her tongue around it. He moaned as her lips mimicked her hips movement.

“More,” she moaned again, this time frustration tinging her words.

Steve moved swiftly, gathering her in his arms rolling, despite the handicap of having both feet effectively tied together. Peggy moaned happily buried underneath him, nuzzling into his body and rubbing every inch against him, her hips rocking against his as she wound her legs around his hips. He could feel the feral haze starting to dissipate, the need and want purely his own. He hiked her legs up higher on his hips, slipping from her body. She frowned, moving to correct it when he held her still. “Just…wait.”

He waited until she’s stilled, then kicked one leg to the side ferociously, ripping his pants down the seam and freeing him from the restriction. He smiled won at her, wagging his eyebrows. She licked her lips, smiling up at him as he slid himself back home, flexing his hips deep within her.

She writhed under him as he began to move, clawing at his back to pull him closer. “Take me, Steve,” she whispered, holding on as his hips drove deeper into her. She moaned lewdly, the rumble in her chest from the noise spurring him on to press harder and faster as she buried her head is his neck, her hot breath pouring over him.

It could have been seconds, it could have been hours that they held one another, pressed tight as one body, moving and breathing and crying out together as he brought her higher and higher. As she moved one hand, finding that bundle of nerves that just couldn’t quite get touched at this angle. As he replaced her hand with his, causing her to arch off the bed with his touch. As she fell apart under him, her body tightening around him as she cried out, pushing him past his own edge of sanity until there was nothing left except them breathing heavy, a pile of spent, sweaty limbs.

He didn’t ask a number as he gathered her against him. He didn’t care about the shreds of fabric and heavy boots he still wore as he pulled the bedsheet over them.

He just wanted to sleep and to keep her safe, always.

[hopesbarnes]

Black Swan (2)

Summary: Y/N used to be a Russian spy under the code name Black Swan. But that was a lifetime ago, now she’s a part-time avenger, dance teacher, surrogate sister to Natasha Romanoff, and trainer to new Shield Agents. She’s come a long way from the days of killing targets and being tortured. But when someone from her past comes around will she be able to ignore her history anymore? Or will she end up falling in love with the only man her sister ever loved?

Warnings: Mentions of past hydra abuse 

A/N: Italics is a flashback! Taglist is open, send an ask. Make sure to check out my 900 follower writing challenge in my bio!!

It had been an especially gruesome day. Training seemed to last all morning and it felt like every inch of you was bruised or broken. It probably was. Luckily, you were given the afternoon off for ‘studies’. It happened very little that you were given any time without being watched, so everyone took advantage and relaxed. 

Natasha came up to you with a pleading look, “Пожалуйста, прикрой меня (Please cover me)” she said. 

“Куда ты идешь (Where are you going?)” You asked, despite the fact you were pretty sure where she was headed. 

She smiled sweetly, “на свидание с Джеймсом (On a date with James)” 

She was so naive when it came to him. From the moment they met, she was infatuated.  “будь осторожен, не попадись (Be careful, don’t get caught)” I said before adding “повеселись (have fun)”.

 You wanted to protect her from heartbreak, or something worse. But at the same time, she deserved to be happy. She ran away and you sighed. Nat was head over heels for the man, and you just hoped it didn’t interfere in training or get her in trouble.

James had arrived an hour ago and looked the same as he did over two decades ago. It was as if time had frozen and you were years younger. But if you’re being honest, Natasha and you looked the same too. All that genetic testing and drugs pumped into you slowed your aging amongst other things. 

 Memories started to come back when you saw him, some more pleasant than others. In particular, you remembered one of the times Tasha snuck out to see him. She used to be so innocent before the world hardened her. Seeing him was even harder on her. She couldn’t even stay in the same room as him. She left moments after he arrived with a shaky “I have to go do something”. Everyone seemed fine with that, but you knew she was freaking out inside. Sisters always knew when something was wrong.

You mistakenly called him James before he mentioned that he preferred to be called Bucky. When you had said his name he looks at you with confusion, as if he’s trying to search his brain for a memory that he’s unsure exists. He says he has few memories from the past, and all of them were right before he was ‘wiped’. You don’t mention the red room where he spent some of his missing time. Probably a blessing in disguise, all that happened there was bloody. Not worth remembering if it could be avoided.

After some polite small talk with Steve and Bucky, you excuse yourself to find Nat. You’ve seen her at her worst and know when she’s not alright. And this was one of those times.

You knock on her door, but don’t wait for an answer to enter the room. 

“What if I was naked?” she yells out annoyed when you find her attacking a punching bag viciously. 

You laugh, “As if that would stop me!” she joins you in laughing but continues to brutalize the bag. “Hey, what did that bag do to you сестренка? (sis)” You tease. 

She huffs in annoyance. “Does he remember?” 

“No, but when I called him James he looked like he was trying to. It might only be a matter of time,” you reply honestly. She should be ready for her past to come back.

“Duly noted,” she says. 

“I’m guessing by the state of this bag you remember though,” you say pointing at the bag missing stuffing. 

“Not hard, no matter how many times they cleared my head he always came back. It’s like he’s forever etched in my brain in grave details.” You nod and she slumps down against the wall. You go over and sit next to her and she rests her head on your shoulder. 

“I really did love him at one point. In fact, I think he’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.” You feel wetness on your sleeve but don’t dare to say that aloud. 

“Oh honey, I know,” you say stroking her hair. “But he’s not that person anymore, and neither are you.” She hums in agreement with this. 

“Do you think we can keep this between us. It’s not in any file and you are the only one who knows.” You’ve only heard her this broken a few times before. 

“I was never going to tell anyone, любовь (love). You keep a million things quiet for me, and I a million for you. That’s what sisters are for.” You both just sit in silence with her leaning against you for a while. 

A few weeks had gone by since Bucky moved in. He got into a schedule, and the initial awkwardness died down. Tasha still couldn’t be in a room with him for more than 5 minutes, but she’s slowly coming to terms that he isn’t going anywhere. 

You started putting together the girl’s solos for competition and finished the large group before moving on to a small group of the younger girls. You also started to train new SHIELD agents, a compromise you made to get off the field more. They all picked up skills easily and were quick on their feet. You were only needed for one mission at that time, and it was a quick recon that only took three days. Child’s work really.

It was a Thursday afternoon and the rest of the team was doing some press to promote the image that Avengers wasn’t just a group of superheroes who sometimes ruined cities. This left you and Bucky alone in the compound. You tried to avoid him, but he was everywhere. 

In the gym? He was working out. In the library? He was reading a book. In the garden? He was planting seeds. By the time you ran into him in the kitchen you had run out of excuses for why you kept leaving. This meant having to stay sitting on a stool and pretend you didn’t feel insanely uncomfortable around him. You resented him so much, but it’s hard to resent someone who doesn’t remember you at all.

“I know you,” he says frankly, pulling you from your thoughts. It takes a moment for the words to completely register.

 “Uhm yeah? We’ve been living in the same building for a month now.” You hear yourself say, praying that it’s what he is referring to, but knowing it’s not.

 “No, I knew you. From when I was the soldier, right?” You sigh. You knew he would remember eventually but you just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon. 

“Yeah, we knew each other,” You confirm. He frowns as if this was the harder of the replies you could give. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“It wasn’t a particularly fun time for me. Plus, I uh- hated you. Probably still do. It’s unclear, you returning is super confusing for me.” He laughs at this, and you’re left confused. Who chuckles when you admit to hating them? 

“You think this is confusing? Try not remembering anything but snippets of your life! It sucks!” he's hysterical now. As if you had just told the funniest joke ever. “Russia right? I remember the cold.” 

You nod, “Да, добро старый отчизна (Yes, good old motherland).” He laughs again. 

“не очень по-матерински, да? (Not very motherly, huh?)” This makes you join in with his laughter. 

“So, you hate me?” he asks. 

“Hated,” you correct. “I’m unsure how I feel about you now.” 

He looks apologetic at this and says “I’m sorry for whatever I did to you.” 

“It’s not like you hurt me, and I know it wasn’t you. God, they were horrible,” you tell him before asking, “What do you remember about then?” 

He thinks for a moment before saying, “Not much. Lots of blood.” He says shrugging, blood was sadly a normal occurrence in both your lives. “A building with people telling me what to do. The cryo. But I remember you, and other girls. Why?” Deciding that this would take some time, you get up to make some coffee. 

“Hold up, let’s get some coffee and I’ll tell you about back then.” He nods.

After pouring two cups of coffee, both black you guide him to sit on the couch with him and get comfortable. 

“So around 30 years ago both my parents died. I was 18 years old and had no idea what I was doing, or how to protect myself.” he looks astonished by this. 

“But you look 25!” he exclaims. 

“You don’t look 100,” you add and he makes a face in agreement. 

You continue with your story. “I met a man and fell for him. Thought he was the love of my life. Turns out he was just looking for someone to turn into a spy for the Russian government. Within three months I was put in the red room or Красная комната as it was called. It’s where they trained their female spies. They took me because I was a ballerina. It had created was discipline, strength, and flexibility. All things you want in a spy.” 

“Steve said you were a dancer,” he says, “You don’t need to say anymore if you don’t want to. I get it.” You shake your head. 

“I need to do this,” you admit to him. He nods encouragingly.

“We also were experimented on. Injected with their versions of the super-soldier serum. Close to what they put into you. They did other medical things to make us into the best spies. I was put through the ‘wiping’ a few times, but it never stuck for the important stuff, just made little details fuzzy. We trained to be silent and deadly. They had me be part of the national ballet, as a cover. In between shows I was sent on missions to kill people, or steal information. Nobody ever expected a girl who wore tutus in front of thousands of people. I got the tag, Black Swan, after the ballet and it stuck.” 

You pause to take a sip of your coffee. “That’s where I met Natasha, she was also part of the red room. She was a few years younger and I tried my best to protect her in any way that I could.” 

“Where do I fit into this?” he asks. 

“You trained me. In all combat-related areas. Taught me how to shoot a gun, where to hold your arms to snap someone's neck. How to tackle someone twice your size.” He looks ashamed of this. “I know it wasn’t you, and if you weren’t there it would have been someone else to train me. It’s not the entire reason I hated you but it’s a part of it.” 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Your past still haunts you. “Is that why Natasha leaves the room whenever I’m around?” He asks. You nod. “Thank you for telling me all of that, I know it’s hard.” You smile back at him. 

“Okay! On that note, how about we watch a movie. Ever see Mean Girls?”

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[innytoes]

Self-Insert January: Let’s Go Steal A Protégé

Yes I did write a self-insert fanfic of my own fanfic. Most of this was written in December and then um, January happened. This takes place December, probably before Christmas (and is obviously not canon).

Happy Self Insert month!

Being with Leverage, Jamie had seen a lot of weird stuff. Done a lot of weird stuff, too. But all the breaking into highly classified places and museums and pretending to be a circus performer and jumping off the Eiffel Tower did not prepare them for the magic portal that opened up in the ceiling of the Leverage Offices, or the lady that fell through it.

Luckily, their startled yell had summoned an Eliot, which meant that if this was the beginning of an intergalactic space war or some kind of mutant criminal rival of Parker’s, Team Leverage was going to come out on top.

Except Eliot actually put away his knife and greeted the lady, who struggled out of the squashy purple beanbag chair she landed on. “Hardison, Parker, Inny’s here!” he called.

“What the hell is an Inny?” Jamie asked. Was it a species of alien? Was Hardison’s Doctor Who obsession because they literally knew The Doctor? Honestly, it wouldn’t really surprise Jamie.

“I the hell am an Inny,” Ceiling-Lady said, before gasping and pointing at them. Which was concerning, to say the least.

“That’s Inny,” Hardison said, coming into the office and handing the lady one of Jamie’s Mountain Dews. Rude.  “She’s from a darker timeline and drops out of the ceiling once or twice a year to catch up. And get inspiration for her fanfiction. Apparently we’re like, a TV show over there. What’s up, girl?”

“Is that why nobody is allowed to move the beanbag chair?” Jamie asked. They had thought it was some weird Parker thing. Or perhaps that it was on top of some kind of secret trap door to Hardison’s BatCave or something. They ignored the part about the fanfiction and the TV show. That was too Truman Show to think about. Though their brain was already going over actors they’d cast as the team. Eliot would totally be played by Chris Evans, right?

Inny stopped chugging the Mountain Dew long enough to shrug. “They used to live somewhere with way lower ceilings. Nearly broke something falling from this one.”

“Yeah, me,” Eliot grumbled. He nearly broke something again when Parker dropped down from the ceiling onto his back. “Dammit, Parker!”

“Inny!” Parker proclaimed. “How is Deeks?”

“Good!” the lady fished a beaten up phone out of her pocket. “He met some alpacas, wanna see?” Parker snatched up the phone and made delighted noises. Jamie peered over her shoulder. They had to admit the dog was pretty cute, and the alpacas looked very intrigued by their small, same-coloured, short-necked friend.

“How’s life in the darkest timeline?” Hardison asked.

“What date is it here?” the lady asked, looking around. “I mean, if you still know.”

“Why wouldn’t we know?” Parker asked, still swiping through dog pictures.

“Well, I mean, 2020, am I right?” Inny said, waiting for a reaction. She looked incredulous at their blank  faces. “It is 2020, here, right?”

“Um, yeah?” Hardison ventured carefully.

“How dark is this timeline of yours?” Jamie asked carefully. Sure, it was a tumblr joke, usually reserved for stuff like the however-many-renewed-season of Supernatural when great shows were cancelled or whatever creepy feature FriendCzar had tried to impose that month.

The woman paused, frowned, then took a deep breath. “In response to the global pandemic of a deadly respiratory virus, President Donald Trump suggested on television during a briefing that people should inject or ingest bleach to kill the virus.”  She took another big breath. “And that’s not mentioning the fact that he downplayed the seriousness of the virus while knowing how deadly and contagious it was, called it a hoax, made taking safety precautions a political thing instead of a public safety thing, and held massive super-spreader events.”

“Donald Trump?” Jamie asked. “The ‘you’re fired’ dude?”

“Oh my sweet summer child,” Inny responded, before taking another swig of her Mountain Dew. “Yeah, I mean, I thought the fact that Australia was on fire at the start of the year was going to be the only terrible thing I was going to tell you.” She laughed and shook her head ruefully, like that was some kind of funny joke.

“Australia was on fire?”

“Yeah. Parts of the US too, for a while. Orange skies. But since the country was basically on lockdown anyway, it wasn’t like it was very different to stay inside for that…” Jamie stared at the lady, then back at the adults. Parker didn’t look overly concerned, but then, she never really did. Eliot and Hardison were both frowning, though. There was no sign that this was some kind of elaborate prank Hardison was pulling on them with the help of one of Sophie’s acting friends. Besides, he was good, but not ‘fake opening a magic portal in the ceiling’ good. At least not within the five minutes Jamie had been in the other room.

After a litany of horrible things, which were apparently not even all of them, the woman stopped. “On the upside,” she said. “I perfected my banana bread recipe, Deeks met some alpacas, Leverage is getting a reboot, and I figured out why I probably keep dropping in here.”

“To remind us that things aren’t so bad like some messed up version of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’?” Hardison guessed.

“Because Jamie is my OC,” she said, dropping a fucking bombshell like she just dropped out of the fucking ceiling. Jamie felt their brain fill with static, because no, they were a real person, and that either meant that this lady was full of bullshit, or, well, basically god. The Truman Show feeling returned ten times over. “This is my fanfic.”

Hardison recoiled a little. “No,” he whispered, fully understanding the implications of that. Hell, it was probably even weirder for him. Sure, knowing they were a TV show was probably cool, even more so with the reboot. But Fanfic Land didn’t fade to black and Jamie was pretty damn sure some kinky shit went on behind the soundproofed doors of their bedroom.

“Now, there’s two prevailing theories about this, as far as my internet rabbithole searches can tell,” Basically God Maybe continued. “Either I wrote this world into existence, because the multiverse is ever expanding and that is one of the ways it expands, or I just got some vibes from whatever crack between worlds keeps bringing me here and wrote down your shenanigans.”

At Parker and Eliot’s blank looks, Jamie clarified: “Basically, she’s either God or…”

“Some kind of shitty false prophet,” the lady on the beanbag chair beamed. “Probably the second one, honestly. My subconscious turns everything into a zombie apocalypse sooner or later, and you guys seem to be fine.”

Jamie whipped around to look at Hardison and Eliot, hopeful. “We’re fine, right?” they asked quickly. If anyone knew about a starting zombie apocalypse, it would be those two. Between Hardison poking around in basically every intelligence agency’s server ever and Eliot’s contacts, they’d know. God, Jamie hoped not. They were so not ready for a zombie apocalypse. Eliot hadn’t even taught them how to murder someone with an axe yet.

“We are definitely fine,” Hardison assured them.

“Yeah, I figured,” Not-God agreed. “If I had my say, Eliot would have stopped pining long before he did and kissed you guys.” Eliot grumbled and glared, probably because she was right. Parker patted him condescendingly on the head, which wasn’t helping matters.

The ceiling started crackling and glowing ominously. The lady put her can down as she slowly drifted off the beanbag, alien-abduction style. “Well, it’s been real. Be good, guys. Have some fun adventures. Ruin some rich douchebag’s day for me.”

“Will do,” Parker promised. “Say hi to your dog for me.” She got a thumbs up.

“Let us know how the reboot turns out,” Hardison said. Jamie figured it would probably fuck with the space-time continuum if she downloaded the show and brought it to them, but who knew. Maybe there was some kind of loophole for that, too. They were kind of curious to see what a Leverage show would look like. It probably had kickass fight-scenes.

“Stay safe,” Eliot said seriously. He’d been the most concerned about the talk of the pandemic, probably because you couldn’t punch it.

“Will do,” Inny shrugged. “I mean, 2021 can’t possibly be any worse, right?”

The portal crackled louder, which Jamie hoped wasn’t a sign. The lady was almost at the ceiling. She looked concerned, like she realised she just totally jinxed herself and the new year.

“Hey, just in case you are god,” Jamie called up. “Can you give me superpowers?”

The portal closed to the sound of laughter, and then there was silence. All that remained was a dent in the beanbag and an empty can of Mountain Dew.

“What the fuck,” they told the room at large.

“Yeah, you get used to it,” Parker said, before wandering off back to the blueprints she had been studying.

“I’m just gonna… check some things,” Hardison muttered, making a detour to the kitchen to grab a ginormous bottle of orange soda before getting behind his computer. “And buy a bunch of disinfectant and toilet paper, just in case.”

Eliot rolled his eyes, before bumping his shoulder against Jamie’s. “Come on,” he said.

“Come on where?” Jamie asked. “I’m having a bit of an existential crisis here.” If they were someone’s OC, did that mean that they didn’t have free will? Did it mean that all the cool things they had done the past year had only been because of some weird lady that fell out of the ceiling? Or did it mean-

“I’m gonna teach you to throw a knife so you can take out a zombie,” Eliot said.

Fuck that, the existential crisis could wait until 2am. They had more important things to do. Knife throwing would be fun and useful no matter if there was a zombie apocalypse or a pandemic, or they got superpowers.

[pbandjesse]

I have gotten my first shot of the 2 part vaccine!! Unfortunately I am in a lot of pain!! And I came home from work and slept for 2 hours. I am hoping that I dont feel worse tomorrow, but it will be alright. I am having James wake me up at 7 to decide if I feel alright enough to go to work. 

I probably shouldnt have gone in today. I was a little more short and irritated with everyone then I like to be. But I tried my best to be cheery. Because it was still a really good day. 

I slept alright last night. I woke up very nervous still but I got up and got dressed and I had huge main character energy today. Like I just felt great.I had my breakfast and made sure I had my backpack ready to go. I was going to come home and change but just in case I brought my work shirt with me. And after a hug and a kiss from James I was out on my bike for the first time in a long time. 

It was beautiful and warm out today. I was in a crop top outside in the sun and it was great. And I had a really nice bike ride. I was a little nervous but it was honestly fine and I hope I can bike more because it was really a good time. 

I had my appointment at 10, but James said to be 15 minutes early. Which lead to being a half hour early. But it was alright. I was overheated from the bike ride and being nervous. So it gave me a little time to try to cool off. 

The whole thing was really easy honestly. There wasnt any lines, which had been a concern of mine. I was surprised by the lack of a temp check. I was all ready to be told to go cool off before I could come in. But they just took my id and checked me in. First question was am I comfortable with a tablet. Yes. So I was sent to line B. 

I filled out the questionnaire on the tablet. Only had to ask a worker one clarifying question because I technically have an epipen, even if Ive never used it before. 

Then I was sent to wait for a minute until a nurse table opened. They had a very good flag system that I appreciated. And my nurse was so nice! We chit chatted a little while she filled out my forms. James accidently put Jesse Lentz as my name again when he filled out the appointment for me. Which thankfully I always fill in as an alias when I fill out medical and government forms, but on my vaccine card she wrote "Jessica (Jesse)" just so there wouldnt be any issues. Hopefully. 

The actual shot was fine. I decided not to watch it happen. I had her do it in my left arm, and it went near my shoulder. Which was higher than I thought they put it. But it was only a poke and then it was all done. It wasnt even as bad as like when I used to take enbrel. She gave me a sticky note for the women in charge of monitoring us to write the time Im allowed to leave. And then she made my second dose appointment. For April Fools day!! 

I only had to wait 15 minutes. I had music to listen to and I brought my knitting. I half felt like everyone was watching me knit and like I said I had huge Main Character Energy today. So I wasnt self conscious, just aware. The time went quick. So the next step was to get my card double checked. 

The person who checked my card also had big MCE. Cool hat, cool clothes, many arty tattoos. They said my card was good and I was like its on april fools! And they were like, Jokes on you!! And then got all red and were like why did I say that?? It was very funny. 

As I was leaving I saw they had a snack table and there were chips and I was very excited that I could make my joke. Because some people apparently believe the vaccine will give you a tracking chip. So being able to take a picture that says I got the vaccine and chips was to good to pass up. 

I biked down the street and decided to stop and rest for a few minutes. Text work and a few people to just check in and give updates. But I knew I needed to head home, get something to eat, and change to go to work. I was feeling really good. 

It was a good bike ride. An old lady made a comment to me about how she couldnt imagine biking that just made me laugh. And then I saw Mr Will in his car. He honked and waved. 

I got my bike inside and James was excited I got to come home for a little. Just long enough to eat and catch my breath. 

I had leftover pasta. Put on my work shirt. And off I went. 

Work was alright. Like I said I was good and happy. But the fatigue started and the kids were being particularly irky. Lying about having class. Screaming at eachother over nothing. It was just a bit exhausting. But there were nice parts. I made beaded bracelets and necklaces. I made a choker that doubles as a bracelet. That was fun. 

When we went down to the gym for the afternoon once the group got smaller they made themselves an obstacle course and then played duck duck goose and a version of marco polo. I ran around for a round of that but my foot was hurting and I was tired after that run. So I chilled for a bit. 

Eventually we were down to 4 kids. So we went upstairs to finish the movie from yesterday. I cleaned the classroom. Sat on the floor with the kids. I was honestly really tired. I was almost having trouble keeping my eyes open. But thankfully at 530 we had our last pick up. And I got to go home. 

James had ordered us dinner. And it came not long after I came home. Which was good. I had a snack while I waited. The sun in the apartment was so pretty. 

Dinner was nice but I was sort of losing it. My foot was hurting. My arm that got the injection was hurting and would only get worse as the night went on. So around 615 I went and laid down in the studio. 

I slept for almost 2 hours. And I woke up in more pain and just miserable. I can barely stand on my stupid foot. I cant lift my arm up. I was dehydrated and so upset. James made me toast and got me some water and I sat in the dungeon and played a little animal crossing. Eventually I shook off the big sad parts. But I still dont feel great. I got a shower and it helped a little. But I still dont feel good. 

I really hope I can shake it tonight and be okay for work tomorrow. But well just have to see. 

So goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves. I hope you can all get the vaccine soon!!