#why can't i put this much effort and work into my actual academic writing????? the world may never know

[lady-harrowhark]

Hey, so I was browsing your tlt meta tag (because I remembered your post about Ianthe being waxen, still love that btw) and I saw a post about you writing a thing called The Megatheorem. Is that still a thing in the works? Was it already posted somewhere? Am I causing you physical pain by asking about it and should not do that?

(I've also got ADHD and fully respect if it's Option Three there and you'd rather I never asked about it again. Sorry if that's the case.)

Ahahahaha yes, it's still in the works and no, you are not causing physical pain by asking about it, although I did actually laugh out loud when I saw this 😂 Anyone is free to continue prompting my about it as encouragement to work on it! (Also I'm still surprised at how that Ianthe post took off - I very genuinely almost didn't post it because it was just sort of a passing thought at first lol)

The Mega-Theorem hasn't been posted anywhere because it's not finished yet lol. I also have ADHD and I was massively hyperfixated on working on it for several months and The Hyperfixation Shine has worn off BUT it's definitely not abandoned by any means. I did post the current table of contents a while back as a sneak peek, which I can share again here!

Several sections are pulled pretty directly from posts that I've previously made, which are all in my tlt meta tag. As an aside, I'm glad someone else is finding my tagging system useful lmao. I love being able to go back and browse specific tags for art or meta or whatever and I get a kick out of knowing other people do too lol.

I do plan to post it once I feel like I've tied up the loose ends! It's definitely going to have to be split into multiple posts/sections, though, given that it currently sits at 12,849 words and 25 pages 💀 When will said loose ends be tied up? Excellent question! I would also love to know the answer to that one!

[anzulvr]

Hello how are you today. I was wondering can I request karma x reader headcanon who are enemies. Like always competing for better grades and are always at each other throats

— ACADEMIC RIVALS HEADCANNONS

Karma Akabane x Reader (gn!) // the beginning of this takes place before Karma is dropped to E class, you’re A-CLASS classmates // this is so late I’m sorry… like a year late i think. pls forgive me. Cute request shoulda done sooner but I’m so behind!!

Unconsciously Karma is going to assume the worst of you, before even speaking to you he had a few assumptions of the type of person you were.

Though you can’t really blame him for it, A class students aren’t exactly known for being kind.

You had a few assumptions about him yourself.

Wasted potential, a genius who got into fights on a regular basis. He was so full of himself, always leaving class before the lesson ended. Not to mention the way he never followed instructions.

You didn’t appreciate the fact things worked out for him better than they did for you.

He constantly outperformed your scores with a point or even half a point. It was irritating. You spent hours perfecting your writing, memorizing equations, and taking notes. He didn’t even stay in class for longer than 30 minutes because he already knew the lessons?!

No matter how much you studied ahead, he already knew that. If you managed to score 100 on a test he’d somehow gotten extra credit points. It was driving you insane.

He could probably feel the hostility, which is why you avoided each other for the most part.

Until…

You got paired up for a project.

Your worst nightmare came true.

He’s cute from afar. Actually having to interact with him and having your A+ on the line was not cute in the slightest. He’s smart, you couldn’t deny that, oftentimes he slacks on bigger homework assignments like these because he doesn’t feel like it.

You were hoping he’d help regardless, you could do it all yourself but if he pitched in it would take a lot of stress off your shoulders.

You got into a disagreement about how the assignment should be done. He decided you could stray from the instructions a bit while you wanted to do everything by the book.

Eventually he caved when he saw it was genuinely bugging you when he didn’t even care about the assignment.

Now that you had to talk to each other almost every day, you both realized what you had in common. Things you misunderstood about one another and had grown pretty close.

Close enough for him to make fun of you and shove his test scores in your face.

You didn’t expect you could become friends with someone so different from you. When you realized how much you liked him it worried you.

You started looking his way when you should've been reading your textbook.

You stopped telling him to be quiet whenever he talked your ear off during a lesson.

You were putting more effort in the way you looked and dressed when you got ready in the morning.

You even turned in an assignment late because you chose to help him with a last minute project.

If someone had told you that you'd like him that much a few months ago; you would have laughed in their faces.

You realized how far gone you were:

(“He's distracting me from my studies... Wait- was his plan to begin with?!”)

Lucky for you, he started showing up on time and even stayed in class the whole day!

(he did show off to you how he could finish the worksheets in less than half the time you could, but hey, you can't win them all.)

He won't tell you why he's suddenly so punctual, and he's much better at hiding his motives than you are but you have a feeling you've also been taking up his thoughts.

[topazadine]

"I Can Think of Ideas But Can't Write Them!"

Estimated Reading Time: 13 Minutes

Irrelevant hyperspecific Cleveland Ohio meme (it came up on my files when I searched for "think" so now you're stuck with it too)

Anyway, I see some iteration of this sentiment on the reg, both here and on other social media.

"I have this awesome idea about XYZ, but when I sit down to do it, I find it impossible to do anything. How do I get started?"

Great question and exceptionally valid; I think a lot of us have dealt with this at some point or another. So let's go through why you might have this happen to you and what you can do about it.

Perma-reminder that this is just my opinion and you are free to disagree, to think I am stupid, whatever. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Reasons why you might feel that you have great ideas but can't execute them

Writing, like many other activities, is just as much about your mindset as it is about your practice and your skills.

We can either psych ourselves into writing some amazing, lifechanging work ... or we can convince ourselves that we shouldn't even bother.

So how does our mindset play into our writing abilities? Here's some possible answers.

You've thought about it too much.

In essence, you've worked through the plot points so many times and refined them in your head to the point that you fear putting it on the page because you're certain that it won't match the beautiful vision you've daydreamed.

I have no evidence for this other than my own intuition, but I think this might happen more to people who are a 4 or 5 on the Vividness of Visual Imagery scale. I'm only a 3 so I don't have this problem quite as much. People with a 1 or 2 VVIQ score might have this problem even less, but don't quote me.

You are trying to envision the entire thing at once without outlining.

Most writers, including yours truly, cannot contain an entire story in our heads without any notes whatsoever.

For some reason, though, some newer writers are incredibly averse to outlining; they want the entire thing to spring forth from their heads whole cloth. Not everyone, of course, but enough people that I have noticed a trend.

I suspect this might be due to some academic trauma from being forced to outline every little thing in school and then being judged on that outline. But no one's judging or grading you anymore; your outline is just for you. Don't worry about it being perfect. It just needs to exist.

There are too many moving parts and you feel overwhelmed.

I encourage writers who are just getting started to focus on a simpler story to begin with. You can write your epic 120k thriller later; the idea is not going anywhere. It will always be there, waiting for you to be ready.

You feel that the project, in its current iteration, is beyond your capabilities.

And it very well might be, but you shouldn't let that stop you. Something existing in its rawest form is better than it not existing at all. There's always time and time more still to fix it as you grow in your capabilities.

You are a perfectionist.

This goes with the above point but also extends to other problems with writing, including being reluctant to revise and nitpicking your work as you go along.

Perfectionists often experience so much anxiety about the idea of not doing their best that they procrastinate or refuse to do something at all because they don't think they can do it perfectly in one go. Many "lazy" people are actually terrified of failure so they don't put in any effort.

It's something you need to work on as a writer, because there is no such thing as a publishable, literary-classic-quality first draft. A perfect first draft is one that exists.

You've got Imposter Syndrome.

Then we've got those who don't have an accurate assessment of their abilities and it holds them back. Imposter Syndrome often goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism; you feel like you're not as good as the writers you like, so you don't bother trying to reach their level.

Imposter Syndrome is the epitome of "comparison is the thief of joy." I have a lot of writers who I know are better than me; my favorite writers have lifted the bar so high that few will ever surpass them. I doubt I will ever get to their heights of success and eloquence.

But I do not let this stop me because I know that once upon a time, they were exactly where I am. Well, maybe not exactly where I am in Cleveland, lurking in the depths of Lake Erie. Skills-wise, though? They've all been here too.

You're thinking too far ahead.

I mentioned this in my post about how to write faster: writing has stages that must be put together one at a time. Every writer has different stages and does them different ways, but the average writer is not plotting, outlining, drafting, revising, publishing, and marketing at the very same time. It's just too much all at once.

When writing, don't think about everything else. Don't think about whether it will sell, or how long it will take to revise, or how to query, or any of that. All you need to think about is plot -> outline -> draft, in that order. And then you'll be okay.

How to Get Idea on Paper Now

Relax.

Yes, really. The first step is to relax. Take a deep breath. Tell all your anxieties about whether you'll ever get published, or whether you can do this, or whether you're even capable of writing, to shut the fuck up.

When you get those anxious thoughts, tell them that they are not helpful and they are not serving you. Practice mindfulness, such as by reciting a mantra to yourself until the thoughts give up. Outlast them out of spite.

Ask yourself what is scaring you so much.

Again, much of your struggles with writing likely come from your fears about the outcome rather than genuinely not being sure how to proceed.

You came up with this awesome idea, and you have probably played it in your head over and over again for days, weeks, months, years, but now find it impossible to get started. That tells me that you do have a story in you, but there's a blockage somewhere from brain to fingers.

So, gently question yourself about this and remember these key answers to your concerns.

Are you afraid of failing? If so, you have to ask what failing actually means in terms of writing. That you won't live up to your own expectations? Most of us won't, at least at first. And that's okay. You're trying, and that's what matters most. Are you afraid people will laugh at your work? Well, there are a lot of shit people in the world who love to tear others down. That says more about them than it does about you. Are you afraid you'll waste time on this project that will go nowhere? No writing is wasted. It's all practice. Are you worried you'll never get published? You're getting ahead of yourself. Nothing gets published if it's never written. Are you afraid that you're not going to do your work justice? You probably won't at first. And that's okay! Writing is wonderful because you get to keep picking at it until it is perfect. Unlike other crafts, such as knitting or embroidery or woodworking or painting, you don't get just one shot. You get as many shots as you want.

Release your perfectionist tendencies.

I know, this is easier said than done.

Perfectionism is not very helpful as a writer because either you never put anything down because you're afraid it sucks, or you peck so long at your completed draft that you never finish it. At some point, you need to just say "fuck it" and be done with the damn thing.

Could I peck and poke and prod at my drafts forever? Sure. I see things I could fix in all my works, even the published ones. I'd drive myself crazy if I continually reread my work with an editor's eye.

So, I like to see my work as kind of like Impressionist art.

Taken together, it makes a beautiful whole, but some asshole could go and complain about every little paint smear and how it doesn't exactly match the vision. And that person is dumb. And I don't want to be that person to myself, or to you.

When you've gotten to the point where you are utterly sick of your finished product and you'd rather stab yourself in the face than look at it again, then you are done. Go, my friend. Be free.

Stop reading authors you admire.

... For now! Not forever. Just give them a break for now, especially if you are dealing with Imposter Syndrome.

When you're struggling to get your idea finished, it's very easy to demotivate yourself by looking at authors you love and comparing yourself to them. But these authors have advantages you do not (at the moment).

They've been writing for years.

They may have professional training, like an MA in Creative Writing, or even teach this for work (like Anthony Doerr, one of my faves).

They have a team of professional editors who fix all their dumb mistakes and guide them through the revision process.

You are seeing the completed project, which has been looked over dozens of times, and not seeing the effort it took to get there. Their drafts may have been even shittier than yours, but you don't get to see that in most instances. So put them aside and promise to return to them later.

You should still read stuff, of course. But I recommend reading authors you don't like (yes, you can learn from them as well). Beta read for other people who are at your same level. Not only will you see that you're doing just fine, but you'll also get to learn from their mistakes.

Plus, I hate to sound mean, but yeah, it can be an ego boost.

That's why I don't read books by my moots until I'm in the Percolating or Revising stage, because I know their books are wonderful and will make me feel a lil sad about my own skills. I hate-read instead.

Remember that you can revise as many times as necessary

The way we teach writing, at least in the United States, is utterly antithetical to making great habits; specifically, I'm thinking about timed essays like the ACT. I got a 36 on the writing section of my ACT but I was still sweating bullets the whole fucking time because I would essentially be penalized for taking it slow and thinking things through.

You need to unlearn this habit. If you are writing for pleasure or self-publishing, there are no deadlines. You don't have a due date. You don't need to turn anything in. No one is checking over your shoulder, dinging you for not having a flawless essay done in 1 hour or less.

One of the best books to reassure anxious writers is More About How to Write a Million, specifically the revision section. The work is a bit dated now but the examples remain timeless, showing exactly how much work professional authors do to get from a sorta-shitty first draft to something beautiful. No draft starts out as a perfect angel. They're all a little ugly.

Writing takes as long as it needs to. Revisions are done as necessary. Revise, and revise, and revise again. It doesn't have to be perfect in one go.

Do it Bird by Bird

I love this phrase by Anne Lamott and use it all the time for everything. There's plenty of other adages that are similar, like "the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."

One thing at a time. Split the whole process into chunks. When you try to think of everything all at once, you get overwhelmed and demotivated.

This was my order when I wrote the first story for The Eirenic Verses, which is now actually the sixth book in the series (love how that works for me).

Create a concept. High Poetry.

Refine the concept. High Poetry can be used for warfare, healing, etc, and was given to Breme by the goddess Poesy.

Create a main character. Cerie Korviridi, a High Poet. All I knew about her personality at first was that she is kind of a bitch, but she slowly grew into much more as I continued to write her.

Create a world. Breme, which has High Poetry but is impoverished, and Sina, which does not have High Poetry but is technologically advanced.

Create other characters to populate the world. Haniya, Uileac, Orrinir, Mordrek, Ono, and background characters as necessary. They are all connected to Cerie in different ways and have different relationships with her.

Create a plot. Cerie must use her High Poetry to end the war between Breme and Sina.

Develop the outline. Using the Plot Mountain method I have mentioned before.

Cut the outline down to the basics. Using the Double Outline method I will explain in a minute.

Develop the sections. I write by scene rather than chapter, as I mentioned in another post.

Write the intro. The first chapter went through a lot of revisions, I will admit.

Write the climax. To know what I am building up to.

Write the ending. To know where I'm ending up.

Write the subclimaxes. Other scenes of tension and intensity.

Write the downtimes. Places for exposition and discussion.

Percolate. I let it sit for a while while I went to outline and write other parts of the series.

Revise. Self-explanatory!

Percolate and Revise again.

Say "fuck it" and be done. And now it is glaring at me from my MS pile, waiting for its turn.

Write the blurb and marketing materials. Those are sitting in storage.

Rinse and repeat. Now that I am writing in an established universe, I don't need to do steps 1 through 5.

If I think about this all at once, I'd probably go "TWENTY WHOLE FUCKING STEPS? WITH SUBSTEPS?? I'm going to drown myself" and not do anything.

So, instead, I went "Okay, I have an idea. Now I will refine the idea. Now I will impose the idea on a hapless victim. And now I'll throw her into a world. And now ...."

You get the point.

Try the Double Outline Method

The Double Outline Method was invented by me for people like you (and me). People who want to capture every single possible detail before they get started writing, but then find themselves losing all motivation because they've basically done the whole thing in outline form.

With this method, you can cram every last plot twist and thought and theme and whatever into your outline ... and then let it go and use a much simpler outline to actually work.

This way, you can give your Bordie Collie brain its little treat and set it to the real work: herding all your thought-sheep into order.

Now, I have some tips to help you actually get the damn thing done once you have tackled your insecurities. I'm wishing you the best of luck, my friend!

I've created a masterlist of writing resources that you can peruse at your leisure, all for free.

The posts I write can sometimes take me hours - they're always intricate, always thoughtful. This one took me about 2 hours to write.

I do this as a labor of love for the writing community, sharing what I have learned from almost 15 years of creative writing.

However, if you'd like to support me, maybe you'll consider buying my book?

At $0.99, that's about 7 cents for each minute you spent reading this post.

9 Years Yearning is a gay coming-of-age romance set in a fantasy world. It follows Uileac Korviridi, a young soldier training at the War Academy. His primary motivations are honoring the memory of his late parents, protecting his little sister Cerie, and becoming a top-notch soldier.

However, there's a problem: Orrinir Relickim, a rough and tough fellow pupil who just can't seem to leave Uileac alone.

The book features poetry, descriptions of a beautiful country inspired by Mongolia, and a whole lot of tsundere vibes.

You can also check it out on Goodreads for a list of expanded distribution. If you loved it, be sure to preorder Pride Before a Fall, arriving January 1, 2025!

If you do purchase my book, don't forget to leave a review!

Reviews are vital for visibility on Amazon and help to support indie authors like me. Whenever you love a book, be sure to let the author know! It's much appreciated.

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[twst-hanaya]

Twisted Wonderland Hogwarts Houses: Heartslabyul

This is Part 1 of a 7 part series.

Just thought it would be fun I think about which Hogwarts House would suit each boy the best, and explain why I chose the ones I did.

I wrote this while I was suffering through finals so please don't expect quality, it was escapist indulgence that lead me to write this post.

As always, this is just my personal opinion. Feel free to give your own!

Riddle Rosehearts

Ravenclaw

Because he's an absolute nerd. Not much else to say about this one honestly. Get that valedictorian seat you little red gremlin.

Ok but if I have to elaborate. Man is strong and all but has no rizz, so Gryffindor is out. Slytherin would be dishonorable for him because he is a goody two shoes, and would agree with the idea that the ends justify the means. Hufflepuff is all about hard work and all, but his work ethic is less about fairness and more about winning academically, against everyone. This is very Slytherin of him, but ultimately Ravenclaw is winning out on this one.

Trey Clover

Slytherin

Now hear me out on this - I know that he's like the Dad of the squad and all, but I don't think Hufflepuff suits him. Sure, he takes good care of his underclassmen and fellow dorm students as Vice Housewarden, and he makes snacks and feeds everyone, but this man is first and foremost about keeping the peace, and doesn't care about sentimentality. He's all about practicality.

It was a big part of the story that he didn't have the courage to face Riddle as his friend, and his actions in the midst of that conflict was to take the easy way out (emotionally and mentally), by soothing Riddle's temper as well as the dorm student's anger at the unfair treatment, rather then dealing with the heart of the matter.

In his Lab Coat personal story, we can see that he's actually got a fairly dry personality. Jade is surprised to hear that Trey doesn't mind giving up the strawberries he put effort into growing, thinking that he would want to put his heartfelt affection for Riddle into the tart he was making for him, but Trey explains that Riddle can't really tell the difference between high quality ingredients and good-enough, and ultimately it's about satisfying his demands. Him using the strawberries he was growing was just because he so happened to have them on hand, not because he was set on using them for Riddle.

I just think this practicality oriented mindset, with the goal of "peace", is very Slytherin like.

Cater Diamond

Hufflepuff

I considered this a lot, because I know there's supposed to be a bit of a depressive side to his character that he doesn't really show others, but ultimately I felt that it fit him the most.

Cater is an expert at reading the room and managing people's emotions and perceptions in a way that Trey simply can't mimic. He's great at networking and connecting to others, and is a great mood maker.

Gryffindor would have been too bold of a house for him, as he's not one to push his own feelings forward and is focused on keeping a fun energy which makes him more of a people-pleaser type than the charismatic types that are more common in Gryffindor.

Slytherin also doesn't really suit him because while he can be as sneaky as any other NRC student, he's not particularly ambitious. You could say he's manipulative, but it's more for the sake of keeping everything "happy" rather than for any practical benefit of his own.

Ace Trappola

Slytherin

He's just such a sly little bastard you know? Classic teen behavior and all that, but dude is literally just the kind of person you wanna - *wrings neck, with affection*.

I also considered Gryffindor, but I would say his snarky little asshole side is stronger. He'll (for the most part) take the easy way out of a situation rather than do something for the sake of his pride / competitiveness, although he's not immune to doing so. As I said: classic teenager. Ultimately, another one who cares more out but the ends than the means.

Deuce Spade

Gryffindor

He's so perfect for the home of lions, don't you think? And while he doesn't have rizz, he's very straightforward and honest about what he thinks. I considered Hufflepuff because of this, but I felt that he was more energetic and competitive, so Gryffindor it was. Also despite his supposed efforts to become a model student, he's not really trying that hard is he? lol. Studying is a bitch when you really don't know how to study.

[independence1776]

hi - I'm so sorry that I'm writing to you from my nsfw account but I don't have access to my main (I'm at abanaqun usually) at the moment gdi - hope that's ok! but I am writing to ask: I came across your survey about 2000s Tolkien fandom culture from 2019 today and I was wondering if you ever published that meta and would be willing to share a link?

I'm writing my bachelor thesis on the archiving of fanworks in the lotr fandom. its early stages yet and I'm just reading as much as possible at the moment, and I'd love to read your meta!

Hi! I’m glad you reached out.

As far as you using this account: I have zero problem with it. While I don’t know your reasons for having different accounts, I am honestly perturbed that you felt the need to apologize for it. I’ve been in fanfic fandom for more than twenty years; in the spaces I usually participate in, no one cares if people focus on adult topics or not. It's your blog; do what you want with it. Plus, this is Tumblr. The amount of times people talk about sex and shipping is infinite. And, honestly, I don't check blogs before I answer Asks; the only time I do check peoples’ blogs are when they seem to be approaching me in bad faith or could be spambots. You are clearly neither!

For your actual question, unfortunately, I never wrote the meta. I assumed that people who would take the survey would read the paragraph about why I was doing it and only answer if they’d been involved in that particular area of fandom. It was a bad assumption. A significant number of people who answered never read fanfic; I got responses like “why would I go to archives?” and “I didn’t do any of the above; why didn’t you ask about X?” when X had nothing to do with fanfic fandom. They took me asking solely about fanfic-related things as a flaw in the survey rather than realizing they were not actually the audience for the survey. There were enough of those responses that it would have been serious work to weed them out to get useful data. I didn’t want to put in the effort for what should have been a fun survey. I’m sorry I can’t be of further help with it.

That said, have you checked out @dawnfelagund 's work? Not being involved in the academic side of Tolkien fandom, I believe she’s the main person studying and writing on Tolkien fanfic fandom. She ran an IRB-approved survey focusing on Tolkien fanfic fandom in 2015; I believe most of the results can be found on her Heretic Loremaster blog. She co-ran the survey again in 2020 and is publishing based on that data and in comparision with the earlier survey; her research on that can be found on SWG (I’m linking to her profile; her research articles are included alongside her fic). I know she's published results from both in professional journals, but I can't remember if they're included in the above or not.

Related to that is the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild’s newsletter column Cultus Dispatches, which “delves into the history and culture of the Tolkien fandom.”

I especially want to point you to Dawn’s Tolkien Fanworks Scholarship Bibliography. In it, she lists papers available for free online; she links in the introduction to another list that includes articles not available for free.

I hope this is of some help to you.

[aestheno]

For some reason right now I feel like art. I don't quite know why. I've already written today but I can't stop writing. I just saw a photograph of Marilyn Monroe sat in a garden reading a script, and it showed such a normality, while also being abundantly clear why people admired her beauty. Marilyn doesn't fit my beauty standard, but she was undeniably unique. She was striking.

I was reading about Matt Damon and his history at Harvard. He dropped out, but his place there was earned. Eventually, he was awarded their Arts Prize. Sometimes I think about Grace Beverly, now a successful businesswoman, who attended Lady Margaret Hall at Oxford to read music. Her case specifically reminds me of the ethos of these institutions when selecting their applicants: what they want above anything, is students who carry the seeds of creative, innovative futures. A collection of alumni who do great things is the dream of any Ivy League or Golden Triangle president. Their goal is to stoke creativity in the future soils of their classrooms. Students who strive, whose efforts never wane, whose thirst is never quenched.

As an adult and a standard experiencer of real life, it's been easy to view my own path as nodes on a tree of sequential failures. The tangible rewards are ripe for those who choose to not deviate from the obvious - hop onto the conveyer of the mundane and experience comfortably remunerated life, but perhaps not one worthy of hardback memoirs and literary prizes. And that's not wrong, or lesser. It's a valid way to live life. But it is not characteristic of the static electricity that keeps life locked in uncomfortable ambition. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Do you dream of changing the world?

At times I have often wondered how life would have been had I completed my Master's degree in theoretical physics. And sometimes I yearn for the reconciliation of my academic career and my actual career. It is perhaps not hard to understand how one may feel fractured from jumping across disciplines, as if one failed to commit to a singular path, devoid of gaps and satisfyingly whole.

But that's not it at all! Physics is a part of me just as music is, just as broadcast journalism and acting is, just as I write video essays on American society and pour over journals in neuroscience. The semantic knowledge that won me the favour of the banking industry, hailing from my stubborn desire to crack the code of foreign languages. The paintings in my sketchbook and animations on my screen. The poetry in my anthologies stored alongside my textbooks on complex analysis, derivations followed faithfully in their page margins. The days and nights I hunched over my research in pursuit of a worthwhile outcome - whether my dissertation on medicine or a cast on a global show. The ones that gave me seizures and made me cry. The ones that spawned content and articles. The sports analysis, the political streams. The way I taught myself to DJ. The encyclopaedia of skill with which I have saturated my life.

Those archetypical Harvard students, the ones whose pure existence feeds the evolving organism of what 'a Harvard student' is, the ones who stand at podiums for Nobel Prizes and Fields Medals and Pulitzers and Oscars, they fail until they don't; they innovate until it works. They persist and insist. They start from an interest and nurture it until it blossoms just like the admissions officers predicted.

When I was 23, all people had been telling me for two years was how much harder I worked than the people around me. I felt like myself after struggling through the end of my degree. At 21 I was spotted for business, being offered a future on the spot. At 27, as I left my final acting class, one of my classmates put her hand on my shoulder and said, 'You're going to be really famous one day.'

My progression through time has been innovation at each step. At no point have I conceded defeat and fallen into the jaws of normalcy. The potential I catalyse perseveres into the next challenge. I am not limited by the boundary of one cause. At every point I've told the world I can, and I will, impress you on this one.

The psychic impurities introduced into one's life through mental weathering can be immense challenges when access to your best work ethic and best personal belief feels inadmissible. Some days I stand at the door and stare blankly, unsure how I once swung it open so freely. That is where my paralysis proliferates, and the track record of my output grows spongiform. I am scared. I have failed.

It is in these moments I should push through. I should know that that ethic in the face of fear is the answer and the key. To change the world you have to challenge the world - even if at first that just means the one in your head.

We make celebrities of the elite students, but that is because they first make celebrities of themselves. They may have humility, but that doesn't alter the undeniable belief in their own eliteness. That eliteness comes from a brain bursting at the seams, from a want like no other - a tenacity that can't be compared. A full spectrum of light illuminating the worlds inside their heads. Their academic disciplines evolving into epics of achievement, built with bricks of failure.

I feel like art because I realise the power in my uniqueness. The blanket woven with threads of my experience. The potential I have when I continue to work, when I don't let fear tempt me into complacency. That future is mine to manifest if I go to war for it, as I always have done. I am one of the extraordinary ones. The world is ready for my extraordinary offerings.

They pick you because they see in you the power to do something monumental. The only responsibility you have is to prove them right.

[magpiemirroring]

Every time I see someone argue that AI is making art accessible, or making art possible for disabled people or whatever, I'm just....

Well, first: have you talked to any disabled artists? Some of whom were artists before they became disabled? Because I've yet to talk to any who would be content with a machine making art for them. The part folks yearn for is not really the idea magically being on the paper, it's the time spent making the piece. And artists can be very clever and very determined to find a way to make art in spite of any limits their bodies may have.

But really: Why are you so ashamed of being an amateur artist?

Like, I've been putting work into getting good at art since I was in preschool and paused while eating my crayons to consider that it mattered to me how many legs a horse had and I was damn well going to attempt to get it right!

But maybe that's not you. Maybe you haven't found the right art form for you yet. Maybe you haven't been willing or able to throw yourself at the challenge of getting better at any form of art.

There's lots of things I'd like to be good at, but I'm not. I didn't have it in me to throw myself at dance or music. I took music lessons twice in my life. Once with violin through my school, and once private piano lessons with a nice lady who taught piano in her living room. I murdered the violin. I was passable at piano. I wasn't passionate enough about either to practice frequently.

Any hope of dance or sports would have been nixed by my body. I'm flexible in the wrong ways and I have shoddy proprioception, so I would have inevitably torn something or broken something important in the process. And I didn't love either enough to sacrifice my body to them. (I love art like that and I am so careful of my hands and wrists and shoulders and I still have times where I can't make art or I have to make art slowly.) But I love to dance for fun, just for myself.

I'm an amateur chef and baker. I have a bare minimum of skill in sewing. I dabbled in making websites but coding gives me a headache. I love so many kinds of science and still do, but got burned out on trying to get my math to the necessary levels. I love history, but if you ask me to write a proper research paper I will probably cry from academic burnout but I will ramble about history if you give me an opening. I am frankly shite at any sport that involves running and the only sport I ever daydreamed about getting good at was archery. I love playing video games, but I despite the many many hours I have put into some games, I always play on easy mode and have no interest in Getting Good because that's not fun for me. I can't sing, I can't dance, and my acting skills are rusty at best. I used to do whatever theatre I could. I took theatre electives 3 years in a row in school and did summer school one year to make room for theatre. I sang and danced badly as required. I'm naturally shy, but I liked acting. A lot. But I didn't like it as much as I liked drawing and painting and digital art. I didn't want to throw myself into the grind to try to make acting work for me and I decided I didn't even want to devote my time to local theatre. It took so many hours that I would rather spend on art. But I exercise my dormant theatre kid muscles by DMing D&D when I can cram that into my schedule, lmao.

I am bad at so many things that I enjoy doing and I still enjoy doing them. Doing the thing is what's fun and fulfilling.

So when folks claim they need AI so they can make art, I'm kinda flummoxed, but that seems like you're letting the AI do the fun part, the important part, the part where the art is actually made. Do you actually like art? Do you actually want to make art?

Why are you so embarrassed and ashamed of not having professional level skills in something you never put professional level effort into? Look at all those things I'm shit at! There are professionals I can and will pay for if I need a thing professionally done with professional skill. But messing around with food, with learning, with video games, with theatre and improv skills, and making all sorts of things in areas of art and crafting that are not my focus? These are my side projects. My fun times with friends. They don't need to be good, just pleasing to do.

Why do you hold art to a different standard? Why is art all about the finished product's value in someone else's eyes and not the experience you have in making it?

[rrxnjun]

well imean ur view on them matters the most so iguess i understand why u deleted them😭

SCHOOL IS THE WORST!!! can't even have free time smh i don't understand why school has to be this stressful that u are scared to even take a proper break from learning it's actually the worssstt😭

wait by recommendation do u mean like songs shows or blogs?:o or all of the above?:o KEVIN IS SO GREAT SO IM GLAD U HAVE THAT SOFT SPOT FOR HIM HE IS JUST TOO LOVELY AND FUNNY AND EVERYTHING!! eric is one of the funniest in the group imo so i'm happy that u are enjoying them on hwaiting!!!! dude u should stan them actually their discography is almost immaculate (their new ost is kind of 😟 for me so if u ever start listening to them do not start with that) BUT I HOPE U END UP WITH THEM LIKE TREASURE LMAO i genuinely think tho that by looking at their insta/twitter pics u would probably love them like they are just so aesthetic and well i guess trendy (?) (especially q) but they are just so great and if for nothing else i think it's completely worth it for sunwoo😁👍 THE PICS IN THAT PINK HOODIE WERE 🤌🤌 BUT THE TIKTOK THAT WAS JUST CRAZY I HAD IT ON LOOP AS WELL LMAO but u know i think this is a sign that once ur treasure era calms down a bit u should have ur theboyz era next hihi

MANIFESTING U WONT FAIL THEN!!! academic validation sucks ass i'm waiting till i be at peace with not getting good grades😃👍 probably university will help but i have to get in one first ig😭 but iguess i'm glad u are mostly at peace with it now (?) i be just can't imagine how rough it must have been to get to that point😭 (i hope ur enjoying the break from it then u will be back stronger than ever to write sometime in june ofc)

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TBH THAT IM GLAD I LOGGED ON TODAY CUZ IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SAD IF I MISSSD IT JUST CUZ OF SCHOOL WORK AND U JUST COMPLETELY MADE MY DAY WITH IT ACTUALLY (liebestraum anon💕💘)

no bc school either takes up all my time or energy or makes my mood drop so much i dont wanna write anymore 😭😭 but i wrote a bit today so im happy happy happy maybe i can get something out even during exam season !!! also a chat w my friend about this one fic idea i had kind of convinced me to write for trasure after exams but....we'll see how that goes.👁

i mean all of the above i need all song recs and also content recs 🤭 i think i already mentioned that im a big fan of the reveal album so preferably something w those vibes ?? but im down for everything hihi. KEVIN IS THE LOML my affection towards him is the same i had for mark lee before i stanned nct 😭😭 theres always this one member that sucks me in and makes me stan LMAO. id love to be besties w eric btw. AHAHAHA "once your treasure era calms down" girl- 😭😭 i mean valid. ive always had the boyz in the back of my mind so this is surely a sign to stan. sunwoo is worth it❤

the moment i got into uni i experienced the BIGGEST gifted kid burnout like i never had to study all throughout middle and high school so i automatically thought im super smart and intelligent since ive always been a straight A student but uni was a wake up call and let me know that i am NOT as gifted as i thought i was 😎 so im putting a lot of effort to get C's and im good LMAOO. was kinda sad by the fact that its not A's but when i almost had to drop out bc of almost failing a class i was like yknow what fuck academic validation lets just....get this degree and get it over with. hope your experience is different tho bc i was crushed 😭

as always i loved hearing from u 🥰🥰 opening up my inbox to seeing your ask is always a "FRIEND!!!" moment for me DHSJSJ

[dearesthana]

It's Alright

It's March already. For many people, it may mean nothing. For me, it means that all good things in Sumatera reach the end. There is a new chapter I must open in another place (read: preparing for Master degree).

I face so many questions from people. I mean it. Some questions are kind of similar, but repetitive at the same time.

Like, "If it is that good to work for Pertamina, why do you decide to resign?".

Or, "You're actually very good! Why don't you just study abroad right away, instead ?".

Well, since it is my open diary, I will write my answers as honest as possible.

First, about working for Sales Region I Pertamina Lubricants. It is that good. When most of people find the Medan office is filled with stiff staffs, I find them the most supportive. This is the first time I am surrounded by the most encouraging colleagues, the best team, and the least dramatic office (at least, in my job).

It was hard for me to adapt at first, especially after everyone found out that I used to wear hijab before finally took it off temporarily. But, I guess, kindness has no language. As I started to show my best quality, they slowly accepted me as I am. They rallied their supports when I was at my lowest. I never find any internal obstacle in doing my job. All colleagues are very helpful.

So, you can imagine how hard it is for me to send my resignation letter to my manager in Jakarta.

But, to be honest, I am unable to stay in a job where I can't explore passions further. Even though I grow more as individual, I feel like I can't maximize my strongest ability. As helpful as they can be, my colleagues are not the right support system to cultivate my potential. We have different goals to aim.

Thus, the only option for me is signing out.

The second question needs the longer answer. Well, yes, this decision comes from a deep reflection after all.

I have a deep trauma from bullying in high school. Sure, my acquittances (hard to call them school friends) didn't do something physical. No harm can be found externally.

But, what they did impacted in how I viewed myself. It hurt me internally.

They humiliated me due to my closeness with some male friends (which was ironic, considering they become close with school male friends after graduation). They mocked me for my disability to do basic chores and being untidy. Some people even snooped my diaries just to get something to talk about me. Some of them ever ostracized me for simply...being myself.

I can still recall the words they used:

"Your cleverness in school is useless if you can't do basic chores. You will not be a good housewife in the future!" "Don't blame us for bullying you. Your attitude is asking for it!". "You just seek attentions from Y and R (my close male friends), don't you?". "You are not that beautiful, though,".

Well, since lots of people told me so, I naturally affirmed it. I wouldn't be a good housewife. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't a wife material.

Turned out, it became the biggest mistake I've made in my life.

Affirming negative words was not only hindering my self-love progress. It was holding me in seeing the good things I have within myself. Thus, I didn't make enough effort to make myself look good until my 6th semester in college. I still performed academically well, but I wasn't confident enough to take more opportunities I deserved (read: went abroad).

And nothing hit me harder than realizing that my dead best friend actually made many huge moves, to show how much he was into me all along. I never saw it back then, because I didn't think a man could fall for me, since (I thought) I wasn't that beautiful.

I want to put a stop to every negative thing I used to affirm, especially when my progress in healing with psychiatrist is great. But, it is not something I can do overnight. It needs one step at a time to build my life back.

It means, I can't run before learning to walk.

I know I used to dream of studying abroad. It's been there since I was a child. I've been wanting to feel how it feels to be a minority. I've been wanting to broaden my perspectives and break my biases.

But, since I just started to rebuild my confident, I have to be in the process without skipping any step.

That's why I want to give myself enough space to start all over again, although it begins at age 24. I want to start my study in a better academic environment in Indonesia to lit my competitive spirit.

It may take years. I may need to sacrifice many things in my life.

Nevertheless, I believe it's worth something.

[le-panda-chocovore]

I'm finally awake enough to write something coherent so if I may, allow me to ramble back :

You're 100% right about the fact that this AU changes nothing about their actual dynamics, honestly I used to dislike the sibling AU so I totally get you. But now I just think it'd be hilarious, plus we can put some depth in this scenario so here's my takes on the Asano-Akabane Drama :

Gakuhou disowned Karma so he's just acting as if he has only one son and that's all. Gaksuhuu isn't allowed to mention his brother at all.

There's a woman out there who divorced Gakuhou Asano and wasn't completely ruined by the process and I fucking love the idea of them fighting with a fake politeness in front of their lawyers (I think she must be as manipulative and smart as him if they were married). I'm sure she took a few valuable things from him.

Gakushuu and Karma try to hide that they're related. When people find out they just throw a bunch of lies to explain the family drama.

Karma is petty and angry and hurt so he wants to prove to his dad that he is worth something. He's going to show him that he can beat his golden boy without Gakuhou's special teaching, he'll show him that it was a mistake to abandon him. So the reason why Karma cares so much about not putting too much effort into his work is especially because Gakuhou encourages everyone to push through their limits, and Karma is willing to prove to him that he can be better while being lazy. And this is also why Karma is one of the few in Class 3-E who really cares about his grades since the beginning and is ashamed and dissatisfied with himself when he's not at the top.

Gakushuu kinda resents Karma because he got to leave the home and live happily far from their father. Karma has everything Gakushuu secretly wants but knows he can't have, so he's jealous and wants at least to beat him at exams to prove to Karma that he IS the better son. Crushing his enemy is what he has been taught since childhood and his academic status is the only thing he really has.

Gakushuu thinks his father's weird attitude toward Class 3-E has something to do with Karma being there, but he can't ask about Karma because Gakuhou keeps pretending the boy doesn't exist, and he can't ask Karma himself because... well they're not really close actually.

Their mother didn't want to leave Gakushuu with his father, but the boys were given the choice of whose parent they wanted to live with and they had different preferences. The mother tried to stay in contact but Gakuhou actively stopped her, and she eventually got too busy with work to keep trying.

(I also read a fanfic where Karma changed his first and last name so Gakuhou genuinely has no idea that the boy is actually his son)

Alternatively, if we want to step out of the resentment route : they both dickheads and they do fight for the first place but they don't actually hate or dislike each other. They have a "normal" sibling rivalry and they care about each other. They bond over trashtalking about their parents. And just imagine their friends' reactions when they find out that the two are related. Karma's just like "yeah he's my brother" as if it's not the second most improbable thing in the world after Koro-sensei's existence.

What do you think of Siblings Karushuu AU ?

Short Answer:

It's fine, they're cute... I guess. I don't care much for it, not because I dislike the idea, but because I feel like them being siblings doesn't really add much to their existing dynamic.

Long Answer:

I attempted to write Siblings!Karushuu early on. I have 1 complete oneshot, and I think one WIP (I don't remember if I published it in my Scrapbooks collection).

Thing is, I'm not sure what exactly about them being siblings is a draw as opposed to them being unrelated or just interacting in any other premise.

The both of them already have quite a robost family setup that influences their personality - Karma with absent parents, Gakushuu with his too-present father (and ?absent mother).

Sibling AU fics that I've read tend to shoehorn in Gakuhou to be Karma's father, which is expected since he's an established character in canon, and his role can't be omitted without too much damage to the rest of the plot. (Furthermore, if you're the kind of person who is writing a Karushuu siblings AU, you're clearly interested in the Asano family dyanmic (that's actually all there is to Gakushuu) so you're just not going to omit Gakuhou.)

Unfortunately I've observed that this rarely influences anything about Karma. Karma either remains as he is in canon and it's explained that he's a black sheep in his family to have ended up in 3-E, or the plot puts him in 3-A and it's explained that he either has an impending transfer to 3-E/it's his last chance; or that his nepotism is what keeps him in 3-A. Karma's values and principles about academics and the inherent worth of human beings is rarely affected in these retellings (because that's what people like about Karma) but because that's Gakuhou's main shtick, it feels like the whole premise didn't matter at all.

There's even less to say about Gakushuu's mother because neither Karma nor Gakushuu's mothers are present in canon anyways and it's easy to just explain them away as unimportant, given how much space Gakuhou takes up in the mind. Usually I read that their mother takes off with Karma and leaves Gakushuu alone with Gakuhou, so... no changes there.

Another potential appeal is the sibling dynamic between Gakushuu and Karma - but then I'll just question what exactly about a sibling relationship differs from... any other relationship between two unrelated people. Karushuu in canon already has the sort of snarky-bantering-rivalry energy anyways, if that's the thing you're looking for. I've seen fics that write them as estranged by having their parents split them up as kids, but then that's essentially the same as a childhood friends AU. I guess we really can't replicate familial love and the obligation of being blood related unless it's this specific context. The idea that they're cut from the same cloth, only separated by time, but they will eventually reunite... oh hey, we can make them soulmates, put a curse on them, or make a demon pact.

There's also the resentment angle, as overcompeting siblings tend to have, "you look like the other parent" acidity if we throw in a divorce plot. But that doesn't affect their existing interaction, I feel - it gives them different things to say when they fight, but they're still rivals as they would in canon.

I don't know. My point is that I guess I can't think of a premise that would interest me in a sibling au above any other au if I had the option. Any differences that do arise feel miniscule and don't affect the broad strokes of whatever I'm looking for in a fic.

...Not even incest, which is a hot take. Yeah, I read/write and enjoy incest. But come on, whatever Gakushuu and Gakuhou have going on in canon already is far more interesting than anything I could ever manufacture for sibling Karushuu. The strange enmeshment and tension that the canon Asanos have in Mamasano's absence, ...could work similarly to sibling Karushuu's furtive us-against-the-world codependency under their Father's omniscent gaze... if you're into that sort of thing. I could be, but more often than not the Asano family dynamic pulls me away from looking elsewhere.

I mean, I'm just not into the siblings thing. You could be. Don't take this post as my condemnation of Karushuu siblings, I still enjoy reading them and the quality of the fic takes precedence. I've had my expectations pleasantly subverted before.

Hehe thanks for the ask! I love rambling

[azhdakha]

!!!Disclaimer!!! This is not a suicide bait post. Yes, I'm honest about what I say here, but coward for suicide no matter what. The only reason I write this is that I simply need to vent as I'm going through a very difficult period of my life and I don't want anyone to feel obliged to coddle me. I also don't want any of my friends to feel guilty for anything I write here. I am really grateful to everyone who was kind and supported me or just talked to me. I am NOT asking for coddling.

Yes, honestly, I'm 21, I have never thought I would ever reach this point, but I have no desire for my life left, I don't enjoy it anymore. Nothing good happens. It gets worse, and worse, and worse. Even when you think it can't be worse, some shit happens again. I'm just tired. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of hating myself, being embarrassed and ashamed of myself. If this is dramatic - I'm to tired to care. I'm tired to he alone. I'm tired that everytime I think someone is my friend and get attached or I simply enjoy talking to someone, thinking that I have an emotional bond or at least a good attitude with that person, eventually I get even more hurt. I'm tired that I'm always the one who writes first. But I damn sure don't blame my friends for it. I know, that I'm a troubled person, I have anxiety, I often talk about things that bother me and express my opinion and attitude. Sometimes maybe too much. When I was a teenager, I tried to stay complicit and be appealing to people I want to be freinds with and fit into the social group. Eventually I realized that it only makes things worse. So yes, I better say what I think and regret it, but don't twist myself. I know it doesn't fit everyone. That's why I'm not even the slightest mad at my friends because we're not obliged to like or want to talk to someone. Sometimes a person just write touch and you need to take a break. I understand that. But yeah, it still hurts to be ignored, it hurts because you never actually know the attitude a person has towards you and the reason why the choose not to talk to you. And you drown in self-hate and anxiety and it's unbearable. I had a time when my best friend I used to talk and discuss things with started ignoring me every time I shared my thoughts on something important. And eventually it led to the point when I found out that I trusted someone who turned out to be totally different from what I thought. Later my other friend acted supportive and then called me out for being toxic. And such things make you a suspicious paranoic.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I'm tired of being alone. I struggle with studies for around six years now. I cannot concentrate, I cannot hold attention, I cannot make myself work, I'm totally indifferent to my prebious passions, I don't know what I'm interested in because I'm always tired and apathetic. This is the reason why simply choosing another academic program is not going to help. This is also the reason why I have no idea how would I work if I choose to get a job instead of studies. I fail, and fail, and fail. And then I remember how much efforts my family put in me. And then I realize that I myself fucked up everything. I had amazing perspectives and I fucked them up myself. Because I'm spoiled and I can't kick my ass enough to finally somtimes make myself do things that don't bring joy but that are need to be done. I hate myself.

I keep daydreaming a lot. Making up a fantasy world where everything is if not perfect, but at least cool and good, sometimes awesome. But eventually comes a realization. Sometimes I want to slap myself and say, "Bitch, wake up, stop thirsting on your wet fantasies. You DON'T have a beautiful relationship, you don't have a lover, you don't love anyone either. You're an ugly miserable socially awkward creature that is afraid to make contact with people and you're far from getting any like earth from the moon. You don't know how to make yourself look good, but that doesn't matter because no matter what clothes, make up and hairstyle you're going to have, it's not going to help. Stop reading fanfictions and thirsting over non-available men and do you work". And you know what's the most funny thing here? That recently I got a person that has a crush on me. The problem is that to my great disappointment, I feel totally nothing towards him. Why? Because he barely knows me, never met me in real life and admires and adores some ideal image, but not me. Is that love? Should I really take this as someone actually loving me? I don't know, but I cannot. Add the fact that unfortunately this person is pathetically dumb, especially for his age. But maybe I should give him a chance?

I guess I should talk to a therapist. I will try to find someone despite my family doesn't approve or doesn't permit it(this is a cultural problem at my place). But right now? I don't even have time. I have 5 subjects that I have to get credit on as quickly as possible. But its either I don't know shit even if I study, or no reply from teachers. But fuck these excuses. The point is that I'm pathetic dumb piece of shit. I fucked up my life. It is what it is.

[transsexualhamlet]

I feel like Exposing Myself online today so here's a completely unasked for, in depth bulleted list explanation of why I kin which bsd characters. the short answer is i am very mentally ill feel free to come into my asks and roast me bc of this

NIKOLAI

first of all thats my gender sir. i wish to dress and present myself like him

superiority and individuality complexes to the extreme

would kill/die/commit heinous acts for my good sir fyodor dostoyevsky (and anyone else I cared about)

if i think about society too hard i want to murder everyone and am filled with existential horror and disgust

that good old deep set desire to make everyone i love despise me so they'll know who i truly am

"I am completely sane /neg"

if anyone slightly normal likes anything about me i need to change it immediately

every torment i experience is entirely on purpose and my fucking fault

every single way i am perceived is wrong yet please i need to be perceived objectively because i as a human cannot see myself from all angles

DAZAI

called the FUCK out by irl dazai's works

strong desire to fuck around and find out as in "if i am reckless and put myself into dangerous places and situations then I might gain calvin+hobbes style 'character' and my own feelings will then be valid"

acting silly and speaking of serious issues like jokes to distract from Constant Internal Crisis

my one true love, unhealthy coping mechanisms

no filter and no idea of what is socially acceptable

generally just kind of a shitty person who says "i'm gonna change" and keeps doing the same goddamn thing because they can't be bothered to go through the emotional pain so has just decided that they are a Bad Person and not do actually put effort into becoming better

"i hate pain" as an oxymoron

goes through elaborate hoops to make sure people don't think of them highly

hasn't managed to keep any friends from more than 4 years ago (for understandable reasons)

the mortifying ordeal of being known

deep emotional need for people to call me slurs so i feel special<3

RANPO

lists off the entire autism diagnostic criteria and related symptoms

i like literally every single thing i could think of that i kin him is related to neurodivergency ie:

his blunt style of speech, sounding rude, knowledge in academic areas but deficient in social, always a complete mess, different way of thinking about Everything, age under/overestimated etc etc etc

oh also i love his awful style he is wearing his tie backwards me too buddy

praise praise praise praise praise gimme gimme gimme gimme

takes any criticism absolutely HORRIBLY aka rejection sensitive dysphoria

POE

GENDER GENDER GENDER GENDER

desire to always have my hair entirely covering my face

spending insane amounts of money on people i care about

remembering people for years as a huge impact on my life and having them not remember me at all

trying to be "mysterious" and ending up just a huge nerd

always carrying around giant stack of books

literally always writing and a large amount if not all of my writing is to please those few people who understand me

KYUU/Q

kyuu is. not an important character and has not appeared since the guild arc. there is not much to go off of however i think it's very important

gender. i rest my case

i am not god's strongest soldier if subjected to any amount of pain i will scream and murder anyone i can to get rid of it

there is so much rage there is So Much Rage pent up in that tiny fucking body and if anyone underestimates me or provokes me they're getting the goddamn electric chair

i am just a little guy do not do this to me please sir im just a little guy and it's my birthday

hey besties if i were given the nuclear launch codes we would all be dead

horrible distaste for any medical professional and Extreme Problems with giving anyone especially said medical professionals access to my body or any knowledge thereof

objectively someone should probably lock me up

FYODOR

hey he's got stand up and pass out immediately disease same he is a frail young lad

give me my blood back it is falling out

hyperempathy and low empathy working together manifests as "we should all just die" disease which is objectively not true and never something you should base your political views on but it sits there in my brain it sure does

as like with nikolai society and living within it and the way it is structured ie capitalism makes me want to enter jeff bezos's house and start my life of crime right then and there

ROMANTICIZE ROTTING INTO THE GROUND WITH YOUR LOVED ONES BY GOD

not to be that guy but if i was in any way capable of helping i would so join the DOA excluding fukuchi fukuchi doesnt exist fyodor runs the doa and anything about fukuchi is a mass hallucination /j

and of course CHUUYA

I feel like there are many chuuya kinnies who have much more claim to him than me and I will cede that however have you considered short overpowered trans man who is always feeling 73 emotions and 60 of them are variations on anger

feeling alienated/like i'm an imposter at being human (although this is a theme of the whole series and nearly everyone in it)

i bite and kill medical professionals<3 (you can sense a theme here)

i always get adopted into friend groups and then they fucking Leave (thankfully not by dying in my situation. as far as i know)

i had my newly out transmasc era too chuuya *points at picture of 15 chuuya's outfit and haircut and general demeanor*

i know i have said this on nearly all of them but by god his gender

concluding this you can tell i am an on fire garbage can

[headcanonsandmore]

Honestly, I had a friend backstab me the same way Ron backstabs Harry not once but twice. I simply cannot get behind him as a character I don't see him loyal at all. He wasn't in Hufflepuff for a reason. He's loud, lazy, and only good at chess even in the books. He puts no effort into school, complains about everything, and can't even pull his head from his ass. It baffles me that people actually like him when he's got like 3 moments where he isn't a douche.

Okay, first of all, Ron didn’t ‘backstab’ Harry in GOF. He thought Harry had gone behind his back and entered the tournament without him. During the run-up to the tournament, Ron had made it clear that he wanted the two of them to enter together. To Ron, a character who is fiercely loyal, even the thought that Harry would want to hide something from him was devastating. 

He also didn’t ‘backstab’ Harry in DH. He was anaemic, ill, and malnourished, as well as having a part of Mouldy-warts soul round his neck. The Horcrux played up some of Ron’s worst fears (that he was just a hanger-on, that Harry didn’t care about him, that Hermione preferred Harry to him) to try and break up the trio. Because it knew that Ron was the binding force within the group; the glue that held them together. If Ron fell, the trio would fall too, and Voldemort would never be defeated. Ron also has a sensitivity for emotional magic; being the first of the trio to realise the horcrux was sort-of alive, as well as having a hunch about the taboo on Voldemort’s name that Harry and Hermione didn’t take into consideration (heck, the only reason they didn’t say his name before they found out was because Ron kept urging them not to, resulting in Harry and Hermione developing a habit of saying ‘you-know-who’ and therefore not getting caught whilst Ron was away). 

Second, the reason Ron wasn’t in Hufflepuff was because his defining trait was his bravery. Ron is fiercely loyal, yes, but he was also brave, intelligent and resourceful. He was a Gryffindor through-and-through. 

Thirdly, Ron is far more than those traits you stated. Yes, he is loud, but he’s also funny, witty and quick-minded. He isn’t lazy; he’s a teenage boy who didn’t enjoy studying and wanted to spent time doing the things he loved (very much like Harry, who- need I remind you- got the exact same OWL grades as Ron except for their Defence grade. Which Ron still exceeded expectations on). 

Ron is good at many things outside of chess. He was a brilliant keeper in Quidditch (despite Draco Malfoy writing an abusive song designed to mock Ron during matches), a great strategist, a sociable person able to get along with many different people, and able to stop Harry and Hermione getting lost in their own heads. And since when is being good at chess a bad thing? He beats a chess-set designed to beat adult wizards at the age of the twelve, whilst working with a handicap (making sure Harry and Hermione weren’t taken), and then sacrificing himself for his friends, showing his bravery once again. Ron is a chess-master, which also disproves the point about him being unintelligent. 

Ron did take his school-work seriously. Like I said before, he passed all of his OWL excepting History of Magic (a subject taught by a teacher who bored everyone except Hermione) and Divination (again, taught by a teacher that was iffy at best). He exceeded expectations in Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Herbology, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Care of Magical Creatures, as well as passing in Astronomy. He got the EXACT same grades as Harry (who also shared his disinterest in studying) except for the subject that Harry had a special talent for (and Ron still exceeded expectations for that subject, regardless). Ron is no slouch, academic wise. 

‘Complains about everything’? I guessing you mean when he was making a point about Harry not knowing what he was doing in DH. Which (as I already mentioned) was when Ron was anaemic, malnourished and under the influence of a piece of Voldemort's’ soul. 

‘Can’t pull his head out of his a**’? For goodness’ sake, Ron hardly ever ignores the problems going on around him. Aside from the Lavender situation in HBP (which he delayed because he didn’t want to hurt the poor girls’ feelings), Ron was often the one trying to resolve  arguments with the people around him. During the entire series, he is almost always the bigger person, apologising and trying to resolve arguments even if they weren’t his fault to begin with. 

Ron NEVER gets apologised to by anyone in the series (even if the other person was the one at fault). Aside from Hermione apologising in POA about Ron’s rat, he never gets a proper apology from anyone. He, throughout all seven books, is the one who has to shred what little pride he has, give ground to other people, and resolve the situation. 

‘It baffles me that people actually like him when he's got like 3 moments where he isn't a douche.’

You really think he hasso few amazing moments? You’re about to get schooled, I’m afraid. Ron has SOmany amazing moments.

Befriends Harry almostimmediately after meeting him. Tries to cheer Harry after he worries about notbeing good enough for Hogwarts. Gives Harry lots of insider-info about thewizarding world. Immediately volunteers to be Harry’s second in the duel, andgoes along with him (sneaking out after lights-out to do so). Saves Hermionefrom the mountain troll whilst in a life-threatening situation. Worries aboutHarry’s mental state after Harry starts spending a lot of time staring at theMirror of Erised. Makes sure his mum gets Harry some holiday presents, andstays at Hogwarts with Harry over the break. Is the only one to stand by Harrywhen the entirety of Gryffindor house turns against him. Literally sacrificeshimself in the giant chess game for his friends. Gets fifty points fromDumbledore for said chess game, helping Gryffindor win the house cup.

Rescues Harry from hisabusive relatives after he notices that Harry didn’t respond to Ron’s letters.Has Harry stay over at his house over the summer. Apologises when he realisesthat Harry doesn’t know about Floo Powder. Drives himself and Harry to Hogwartsin a flying car. Defends Hermione after Malfoy calls her a slur; using anon-verbal spell through a wand that didn’t even choose him. Comforts Hermioneafter she gets turned into a cat-like creature, and brings her homework. Goesto defend Ginny after Malfoy embarrasses her in public. Stands by Harry whenmost of the student body think he’s the heir of Slytherin. Is constantlylooking out for and comforting Ginny throughout the year. Goes into theforbidden forest (despite having a phobia of spiders) because it might helpthem de-petrify Hermione. Suggests that he and Harry go to see Lockhart aboutthe chamber of secrets, on the slightest possibility that Ginny might still bealive. Holds his emotions together when he and Lockhart are cut off from Harryby falling rock.

Makes up an alibi toget Harry out of trouble with Professor Snape. Immediately downplays his owngrievances with the Scabbers-Crookshanks situation after Hermione apologies soas to make her feel better. Stands up on a BROKENLEG to defend Harry against a presumed-mass-murderer, proclaiming ‘if you wantto kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!’

 Rescues Harry from theDursleys (AGAIN). Invites Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. Tries to apologise toHarry for his behaviour (although Harry realises he doesn’t need the apology).Supports Harry 100% during the rest of the tournament. Lets Harry practicestunning spells on him repeatedly inthe run-up to the third task.

Makes it clear that heunderstands Harry’s frustrations, but that it’s not okay to take thosefrustrations out on Ron and Hermione. Won the Quidditch cupfor Gryffindor. Goes with Harry to thedepartment of mysteries. Gets incapacitated whilst defending Luna and Ginnyfrom several death-eaters (all of whom he defeated).

Won the Quidditch cup forGryffindor AGAIN. Defended Hogwartsagainst the death-eaters.

Part of the ‘sevenpotters’ plan. Took down several death-eaters whilst several-hundred-feet-up ona broom. Was worried about theCattermole family after they got away from the ministry. Got away from the snatchersafter they cornered him. Saves Harry’s life.Destroys the horcrux locket after it mentally tortured him with visions of hisown worst fears. Never blames hisleaving on the locket, even though he had every right to. Tries to fight thesnatchers and tells them to ‘get away from’ Hermione. Saves Hermione fromBellatrix Lestrange. Jumps forward when a chandelier comes down on top of her,and pulls her out of the rubble. Disapparates without splinching for the firsttime because he needed to get Hermione to safety. Stops Hermione fromstunning a giant, which could have caused half the castle to be crushed. Volunteered to go tothe shrieking shack to kill the snake in place of Harry. Remembered thehouse-elves when everyone-else had forgotten them (including Hermione). Took down FenrirGreyback with Neville.

(And these are just the ones off the top of my head...)

This is why we like Ron Weasley, anon. Because he was brave, intelligent, funny, witty, kind-hearted, and always come through for his friends. 

So, yeah, I don’t agree with you on this, anon. Bye!

[trans-xianxian]

alright so I guess we're elaborating on this one - as I said, I learned to read and write very Very late. like. Years late. I could sometimes read things like road signs or labels, but when it came to full complex sentences, much less whole Books, I was very far behind for a long time. I struggled even more with writing (grammar came easy to me, but I could not spell for the Life of me) which... if you didn't know, is a pretty important part of developing reading skills. when I was first getting diagnosed with adhd etc, they literally put down that I have a "slow processing disorder" when it comes to reading (and math 😔)

so all of the books I consumed for a solid chunk of my childhood were via my dad reading to me! there are very few books I've gotten all the way through that I actually read with my own two eyes on a page because I just... can't force myself to get through it for god knows why

but I LOVE books! I have a whole big shelf chocked full of em!! I love stories and knowledge and learning and I have always had an Insatiable curiosity, but.. I grew up not really,, knowing how to actually read. I wanted all of the knowledge that was inside those books so bad but I just couldn't get to it!! if I wanted the words trapped inside a book, I had to wait until someone else could give them to me. I literally used to make my dad read me this massive dinosaur encyclopedia I had when I was younger

I still fucking Suck ass at reading no matter how hard I try, and I have to put myself in very specific unsustainable circumstances (isolated in the middle of the woods, reading to another human being, etc.) to finish reading a book on my own, no matter how much I'm enjoying it. but I want to know things! to gain knowledge and experience and be a well learned, mature, "cultured" person! so I put the effort in and get creative and find loopholes that work for me! because the desire is there even if the most common ability to meet that desire is not, and I know that it's valuable and important, to myself And to others, for me to absorb new information

like believe me I understand that reading something that involves characters and information you already have a working knowledge of is Infinitely easier and less emotionally/intellectually draining than having to add a whole new world of knowledge to your brain and sometimes the spoons just aren't there. I Literally have adhd! but.... thats. kind of the point?

reading a new book, whether it is fiction or non fiction, fantasy or academic, is Supposed to be a challenge for your brain. and that's a good thing!! we're supposed to be challenging our brains and learning new things!!! I go through long periods of "everything is boring and terrible and I will just lay here" all the time so like I Promise you I understand the struggle, but honestly at this point I'm growing tired of people using An Actual Thing That Affects My Life And How I Function In The World to avoid becoming a knowledgeable person with well rounded critical thinking skills

I'm not suggesting you force yourself to do something that's disproportionately difficult for you. I, of all people, understand that that is frustrating and doesn't work! but for the love of god find something that Does work for you, because, and I know that this is a hard pill to swallow, being nd is not an excuse for being ignorant, and to combat ignorance you must have knowledge

like fucking. listen to an audio book! watch a documentary or a video essay! read as many short and easy to process articles as you possibly can! get someone to read to you! good lord, I'LL fucking read to you! but at the very least stop pretending like your inability to accept growth is an inherent nd trait

as someone who has actually been diagnosed with Super Bad At Reading Disease and learned to read and write very Very late (thus making my Super Bad At Reading Disease even worse) I am getting very tired of other nd people who will read their shitty 100k smut fics but then throw a fit when someone tells them to read a book