#why be sort of comfortable in places where i have to mask 70% of who i am

[modern-alebrije]

i feel like growing up my family always encouraged us to be independent and self-reliant. so i don't understand why they seem upset at the fact now that i'm an adult who's self-reliant and lives independently

[mollynicolemurphy]

Amends and Letting Go

So John Gray is pretty much mending my broken little heart. I think it must be hearing a man’s comforting words on an audio book that soothes me to some extent. Alison Armstrong is empowering me and helping me to become a Queen, but John Gray... his books are just incredible. Everything just makes so much sense to me and where I’ve been failing in my relationships with men for pretty much my entire life and why.

Interestingly enough I sat down with a girl friend today to make a very strong amends. She is in her masculine I’d say at least 70% of the time and she told me today why she needed space from me. It was because she couldn’t handle my complaining! I’m like huh. The masculine energy REALLY HATES THIS BEHAVIOR! Even the woman who are in their masculine the majority of the time are turned off by it. Actually I think most people are turned off by it and I didn’t even realized I was doing it. Always pointing out the negative, always make sarcastic remarks, it’s so gross. And it weighs people down. I think it has been some sort of a mask for me,.. and effort to be funny or relatable, but woof. What a great additional piece of spiritual sandpaper I got today. Regardless, it was a beautiful convo, we both cried and I hope to form a new type of friendship with her that feels safe, loving and works for both of us. 

And back to John Gray and the Letting Go piece of this writing. He explained today that I have to let go of my former boyfriend with so much love. He outlines in his book I’m listening to now... Mars and Venus Starting Over a 12 week series of meditations to do that are focused on nothing but love. The only way to truly set someone free from your heart is to love them. It’s how you release all the pain, remember all the wonderful qualities and magic moments. You just have to love. And I can say I love that man even more now since I heard his truth and I’ve been learning about how men operate. I didn’t honor and respect him the way he needed, because I didn’t know how. And I get to really keep forgiving myself for how I showed up, sacrificed my needs and abandoned myself in the relationship... because again- I didn’t know.

I didn’t know what self love even looked or felt like. I didn’t know how I was subconsciously conforming to what I thought he wanted. I didn’t know how I had been abandoning myself for pretty much my entire life. And now that I do, I can create relationships from that place, I can practice vulnerable conversations with everyone around me and really keep stepping into the magic of my inner wisdom and grace. I will keep listening to John Gray and Alison Armstrong. I will keep learning, evolving and growing. I will keep slowing down and falling back into my beautiful feminine being. And I will become whole, because I let go.