#why are you yearning man you guys have been married for 50 years

[shrugsinchinese]

Pathetically down bad Verin

[bobasheebaby]

91 Lucifer prompts

Some of my favorite quotes from my favorite devil. (Cut at 15 cause it’s long.)

Lucifer Morningstar

1 “People don’t arrive broken. They start with passion and yearning until something comes along that disabuses them of those notions.”

2 “People don’t have power over us. We give it to them.” 

3 “The best thing to do is always to follow your greatest desire.”

4 “Sometimes we are what we are, and we should embrace that.”

5 “Desire shouldn’t be contained, it’s unnatural.” 

6 “Why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?”

7 “Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

8 “Believe me, there is no winning when you play by a twisted tyrant’s rules.” 

9 “You shouldn’t have to change for anyone. And neither should I.” 

10 “I refuse to be a scapegoat for which something I bear no responsibility. It’s a theme in my life.”

11 “Trust me, I’ve been doing this a long time. I know evil.”

12 “If you desire something, just take it.”

13 “Trust me, if there’s one thing I know, it’s desire.”

14 “What I hate more than anything is a liar, a charlatan, someone who doesn’t believe in what they say.”

15 “Hell truly hath no fury like a man/woman scorned.”

16 “No one gives us the right… we take it.”

17 “Mmm, dangerous. NAME likes.”

18 “There was immediate danger. He/she was about to leave this man/woman completely unsatisfied.”

19 “When in doubt, go with the classics. That’s what I always say.”

20 “Guilt is such a useless emotion”

21 “Take a swing and I’ll shove that so far up your ass, you’ll have splinters in your stool.”

22 “What makes us vulnerable is often right under our noses.”

23 “Now tell me, what is it that you truly desire?”

24 “Well, maybe it’s like butt stuff. Easier the second time around.”

25 “It’s always the ones you least suspect, the ones you trust the most, that hurt you. They wait until your guard is down and then wham! In my case, it was tequila.”

Chloe Decker

26 “It’s better to move forward than stay stuck in the past.” 

27 “We can’t control what happens to us only how it affects us and the choices we make.”

28 “You have to stop taking responsibility for things that you can’t control.” 

29 “Sometimes we get along best with the people we’re most different from.”

30 “Pull yourself together. You look like a homeless magician!”

31 “It’s really not a good day for… your… NAMEness”

32 “You don’t save a marriage by sleeping with other people.”

33 “If you go looking for loopholes, you’ll always find them.”

34 “NAME’s not another guy/gal. He’s/She’s a weirdo.”

35 “As any parent knows, the best time to get things done is when everyone else is asleep.”

36 “I wasn't afraid of you.”

37 “I don't want you to see me like this. I know it scares you.” “No, that's... that's what I was trying to tell you. I'm not... I'm not afraid of you anymore.” “You're not?” “You see, this is what I'm talking about. It's so sweet. I'm going to puke.”

38 “I miss him/her. I mean, he/she pisses me off all the time. And there are so many things about him/her that ... that I find hard to accept, but I just have to believe I can find a way. Because ... I'd rather have him/her in my life than not.” “Well, then... I think you know what you need to do.”

39 “You're different than me. You're stronger. You could have run, but you didn't. Why didn't you?”

40 “It's not like you haven't always told me the truth. You know? So ... I think, deep down, I just ... I always knew.”

41 “Let's pretend for one second that you're someone else. Someone nice, someone mature.” “Ooh, I love role-play.”

42 “What, you're just gonna leave me here? In this part of town?” “You said you wanted danger.”

43 “Please tell me I'm hallucinating.” “Well, I am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.”

44 “You step out of line one time …” “You can give me a right-good spanking, I promise.”

45 “This cannot be true. Can it? I mean ... if you knew this, why wouldn't you say something? I mean, I almost married him/her. I mean, I almost married him/her.” “I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.”

46 “Oh, my God. Did the world just turn upside down? Did you just admit to being wrong?”

47 “You know, it can be scary sometimes, but ... being who you really are is never a bad idea.”

48 “I need you to stay here and watch your dad/mom.” “That's true. Without the two of us, he’s/she's defenseless.” “I don't know if I like what you're whispering about.”

49 “How long have I been out?” “Three years.” “What?!” [NAME starts laughing] “You’re such an ass.”

50 “I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up all night working, and, you know, I drank a lot of caffeine. Like, a lot.”

Mazikeen Smith

51 “If you go by someone else’s pace, it shows how much you really care.”

52 “Sometimes you have to accept when someone doesn’t feel the same way about you.” 

53 “Self-worth comes from within, bitches.” 

54 “I would never ask you to change. I like who you are.” 

55 “Hey! No one calls my skank a skank.” 

56 “Good. It's settled. Now, where do I put my knives.”

57 “Okay. One, I like to fight when I'm happy or ... horny. And, two, I really don't want to accidentally kill my best friend.”

58 “Maybe next time, I won't be around to save your ass.” “Mm! Well, that is a shame. 'Cause you and my backside used to get on very well. My front side, as well, actually.”

59 “And your name?” “NAME.” “How do you spell that?” “Surprise me.” [Later gets coffee with "WRONG NAME" on it]

60 “Everything that happened showed me exactly why I need to go back.” “I don't understand.”

Linda Martin

61 “Emotions are hard, but that’s why they make you strong.” 

62 “Goodness isn’t a toy.”

63 “Sometimes we need to lose something to understand its value.”

64 “Sometimes it’s easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.” 

65 “I find people who are rude usually feel powerless in their own lives. Terrified of not being in control.”

66 “Look... I know I'm not dad/mom, or partner or whatever. But I ...” “No. No, you're not. Come here. You are Uncle/Auntie NAME. And you will always ... be a member of this family.”

67 “Let's talk about what you're dealing with emotionally.” “Yeah, I really don't want to.”

68 “Why is he:she able to refuse my charms? I mean, is this thing on?” [points at him/herself] “Yes, yes. Definitely on.”

69 “How's that saying go? We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars.”

70 “Should've seen that one coming.”

Amenadiel

71 “We need the most love when we’re being most unlovable.” 

72 “No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain. We suffer, or inflict.”

73 “Cosmos are yummy.”

74 “If you really want to know if you’re a worthy romantic partner, ask yourself.”

75 “NAME. What are you doing here? Did you hurt NAME?” “Only when he/she asked me nicely.”

Ella Lopez

76 “Whenever I’m procrastinating on something, I make an appointment for myself to do it. That way, can’t back out.”

77 “You see what I'm dealing with?”

78 “Hey. No one insults my family, except for me.”

79 [high on "candy"] “I know I should be freaking out right now, but your hair is so shiny.”

80 I'm usually not into reality shows either. I prefer more, you know, scripted-content, documentaries, but... I've got a little extra time these days, so... sort of kind of watched, uh, 27 seasons in two weeks.

Dan Espinoza 

81 “We all need someone to have our backs every now and then.”

82 “Ooh, lemon bars. My favorite. Mmm. Oh, man, these are amazing. Who made 'em?” “Uh, NAME did. Would you believe that hunk bakes?” [spits out the bars] “On second thought, who needs the empty calories?”

83 “Say you fall in love with a man/woman who has a cat. What are you gonna do? You accept the cat.” 

84 “Are you sleeping with this idiot?” “He/She hasn't had the pleasure, unfortunately, no.”

85 “Dude, I cannot deal with your weirdness right now.”

Trixie Espinoza

86 “We’re wearing the same shirt!” [both] “Sushi shirt!” [from around the corner] “I don’t know what’s going on out there, but I hate it!”

87 “I ate it.” “Mm-hmm.” “But NAME said it was okay.” “Oh, really?” “He/She said, if you really want to do something, you should. And I really wanted to eat some chocolate cake.”

88 “Are you looking at a no-no site?” “No. Why would you think that?” “Because you put it away so fast, and you look really, really guilty.”

89 “NAME, sever their Achilles first. If they can't walk ...” “They can't betray you.”

90 “You need to get a thicker skin. Stand up for yourself, because the truth is, nobody’s gonna do it for you.” — Charlotte Richards

91 “Anybody worth dating should understand everything that makes you … you.” — Ev

[kazablanka96]

Do you have any pwp stucky fic recs? I've been looking for some on ao3 for a while but I haven't been able to find any good pwp fics with good writing, good mature scenes and development, they're just so corny, like gimme some good plot man! x.x

Hi anon! ❤️

First of all, I wouldn’t describe a fic corny because no matter what, they are someone’s hard work and effort and there’s always something to love in everything. That being said, I understand different people have different tastes, so I searched in my stash of fic and my goal in the end was to find you ones that were more focused on the plot and character development than that on the smut part of the story. Almost all of them are E rated (and too long), so you know the good stuff are coming.

I am so sorry if these weren’t what you were asking for, but you can always send in another ask and I’d be more than happy to do another search with a different criteria in mind. And if anyone knows of a different fic the anon, or anyone really, can benefit from, please drop it in the notes!

 All the fics are under the cut because they are over 50 and that’s a long post.

These Streets ‘verse: The trials and tribulations of Police Officer Steve Rogers and his experiences with the locals in his precinct, as well as his involvement with the stupidly handsome roughneck from the ‘hood, Bucky Barnes.

The Firing Line:  When Steve’s dad is diagnosed with cancer, Steve returns to his childhood home to support his mom – a small town called Gold Cliff, Colorado. Ten years before, he left Gold Cliff behind him, left his no-longer-best-friend Bucky Barnes behind him, with the intention of never seeing him ever again. But Bucky Barnes crash-lands back into his life nonetheless, long-haired and one-armed and haunted, keeping secrets from day one.

Institutions of Love and Incarceration: The Winter Soldier has been sentenced to life without parol. His entire world had been condensed to a hot, cramped cell that he hasn’t seen the outside of in the four years since his apprehension. It’s hell. He has no means of escape, no means of terminating his suffering, and no means of distraction…that is, until he’s assigned a new guard. Steve Rogers is assigned the Winter Soldier as his singular charge.

There Is No Shortage of Blood: The long slow recovery of Bucky Barnes after his escape from HYDRA. (And the longer, slower recovery of his sex life.)

Choices We’re Given: Steve Rogers is a good man and a good agent. There’s really no excuse for the assassin in his bed.

Put It on Repeat, It Stays the Same: Steve and Bucky have a one night stand that turns into a friends with benefits situation. A weekend snowed in at Bucky’s apartment brings to light how much that really doesn’t suit either one of them.

What Gladiators Fight For: A new gladiator is brought to Ludus Stark. Steve Rogers is a disgraced soldier, who refused to fight for Rome.He doesn’t want his actions decided by others anymore, and accepts death until Bucky changes his mind. Steve fights to stop Bucky being sold back to his previous master, and Tony exploits the bond blossoming between them. He makes a bargain with Steve, if he fights and wins, Bucky will spend the night with Steve in his cell.Steve wins every fight, until the finale in the Colosseum. Hes not fighting for Bucky, but his Freedom, but is Freedom worth it without Bucky by his side.

If I Was There: Steve is lonely and the number on his phone-screen is unfamiliar. He’s not the social type, not even close, yet there’s something about the man on the other side that makes him interested. He doesn’t hang up until two hours later.-Wrong number AU in which phone sex is the answer and the question is irrelevant.

the Steve Rogers problem: Bucky doesn’t consider his Steve Rogers problem as a problem so much as the solution he hadn’t realized he was hoping for to help him through the transition from the Bucky Barnes he’d been before his accident to the new, shiny version of himself.No, the problem isn’t with Captain America and The Howling Commandos fandom.The problem is the amount of porn Bucky managed to write and draw about Captain America before finding out that he’s less than one degree of separation away from Steve Rogers. ‘Less than’ as in he’s sitting across the table from him.

Prince Charming: Bucky Barnes leads quite the charmed life. He has a thriving tattoo shop, a son he adores, the world’s best dogs, and a great group of friends — almost all of whom are in relationships. And maybe he’d been the one nudging them towards each other, but there’s nothing wrong with a little match-making. The world could use more romance.As for him personally, well, he doesn’t need anyone for the long haul. Not when every girl he meets is someone who he thinks would be perfect for someone else.But then Steve Rogers comes into his shop looking for some ink, and maybe that’s the problem right there. Maybe what he’s looking for in a relationship isn’t a girl at all.

Heaven and That Other Thing: Bucky Barnes is the owner of a cat sanctuary in Brooklyn, an ordinary guy by the Avengers’ low standards, and a growing problem for America’s favourite captain. Steve Rogers is publicly straight, endlessly bored, and has a habit of not fully thinking through his decisions when Bucky is around.

Keep Your Enemies Close: Pierce was an intelligent man. If the Asset was going to start remembering Rogers, it was best to give him an assignment other than the simple, point and shoot. The Asset’s Mission: Pretend he was James “Bucky” Barnes, best friend to Steve Rogers. He was to evaluate Rogers and see if Rogers could be used by HYDRA…or be put down if the Asset thought otherwise.The Asset now has to pretend to be Bucky Barnes, unknowing that he is in fact the man that Steve has been searching for all along. Pierce instructed the Asset to gain trust, observe, and report. How far is the Asset supposed to go to avoid his cover being blown? He guesses he’s just going to have to find out…

Of Broken Dreams and Mended Hearts: When the House of Barnes is left in massive debt after the death of George Barnes, their oldest son and heir, Bucky, is forced to sacrifice his own hopes and dreams by entering an arranged married to Steve Rogers. Steve seems kind enough, has a prominent job in the government, and was even voted Society’s Best Catch. But the House Rogers is significantly higher in status than Bucky’s family, which means Bucky is marrying up in Society, and marrying up doesn’t only come with rewards, it also comes with certain…expectations and losses–some of which Bucky might be willing to do anything to avoid. And those opportunities might come his way.Unless, of course, he actually starts falling in love with his new husband…

A Myriad of Misdecisions: “My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it”

Catfish: Steve Rogers is a famous movie star, known for his role as Captain America. Bucky Barnes is a bored law student who drinks too much wine. Bucky gets on match.com to boost his confidence. What he doesn’t expect is a guy using Steve Rogers’ pictures on a dating profile. Bucky decides to mess with the guy. After all, what idiot uses Steve Rogers’ pictures on a dating site?Not like it’s really him, right?

Give ‘Em Hope: Dr. Steve Rogers likes to think that if his patients have hope- their chances of survival will increase. Bucky Barnes has a 20% chance of survival and a desperate yearning to experience life. Against Steve’s better judgment, he develops a relationship with his patient. It’s illegal. It’s wrong. But it’s giving Bucky the hope to keep going, so Steve’s going to keep giving it, because he wants Bucky to survive.He needs him to.

A Love I Never Had: Detective Steve Rogers is not a cop if he’s dead. A Modern Frankenstein AU; or, the Modern Prometheus

After Hours: Steve wishes Bucky wouldn’t look at him the way he does – a deliberate gaze, subtly digging his top teeth into that pouty bottom lip; following his every move like a lion watches a gazelle. It’s been going on for months, perhaps longer… Steve talks, and Bucky listens. Well, that’s the point – Bucky’s supposed to be listening. Steve’s just doing his job, after all… No harm in that.The problem is that it’s no innocent gesture, the way Bucky will have the top of his pen tracing the outline of his mouth… It’s also not innocent at all when Steve turns to look out at the sea of heads while he’s speaking and catches the quickest glimpse of the brunet sneaking a peek at his ass. And Bucky doesn’t even pretend to be bashful about it. He just meets Steve’s eyes and smirks – just the tiniest hint of a thing.

The Match Game: Steve meets and promptly falls for Bucky Barnes, new resident in his apartment building. The one who makes him feel like he only wants to be with one person, forever. He just doesn’t know how to make that happen. Lucky for him, he has friends who… tease him mercilessly. And then help. A lot. Steve gets a lot of opportunities to get to know his new neighbor and thinks everything is going great, until Bucky reveals to him his own long-term relationship ended badly, and he doesn’t want another…but he might be up for a friends-with-benefits deal. 

G.I. Joes and 2AM Diners: They look nothing like what they used to. Time and life have completely changed them. But as they sit there in silence, eating two halves of one cupcake, letting Brooklyn remind there where they came from, and enjoying a sky full of stars… They are those same little boys, somewhere deep down. For just a second, you’d be able to see them again.And Bucky thinks to himself that maybe it’s little moments like these – fleeting as they may be – that remind him why life is still worth living.

Screaming Words (Left Unspoken): Living as a fugitive is hard. Living as a man who has to wake the love of his life from cryo is harder. Why? The codes in Bucky’s brain don’t have a fix yet, but Steve has worse news to deliver. Bucky’s dying slowly from self-destruct protocols inside him. Now, it’s a race against time to save Bucky once and for all.And maybe finally tell Bucky that Steve’s been in love with him since he was a sixteen-year-old kid in Brooklyn. Oh and not get extradited by the UN from Wakanda. That’d also be great.

Winter Gorgon: For as long as Steve could remember, all he ever wanted to do was what was right. So when he hears about his father’s old regiment being held as POW’s by the Nazis, he’s determined to put what Doctor Erskine gave him to good use and goes AWOL to rescue them.But the 107th isn’t all he finds there. Deep in the labs is a very unusual prisoner; one with snakes in his hair and a mask nailed to his face. Despite the man’s monstrous visage, Steve can’t in good conscience leave him to the enemy. That one act of mercy will change his life, the course of the war, and even the future of the world.

That Would Be Enough: Bucky Barnes, a Columbia University graduate with a Masters Degree in Education, is in his fourth year of teaching AP US History at Shield Academy, a private school in the very heart of the Connecticut valley in the bucolic town of Barkstead. He also helps run the Russian Club with his colleague and best friend, Natasha Romanov. He’s got amazing friends, three nephews he adores, and a beautiful little apartment. The only thing Bucky would change about his life? His luck in love. It’s been two years since Bucky ended an emotionally abusive relationship and he’s just now starting to feel that his heart has healed enough to try dating again. Then, a new Art History and English teacher arrives with tattoos he doesn’t like talking about, a body like a Greek god, and some secrets of his own, and Bucky knows he’s done for. Cue pining, sass, and a ton of Hamilton references.

Heat of the Night: Steve is a cop. Bucky is the kept boyfriend of the super rich bad guy. Bucky doesn’t really have any information because his sole job is to look good when they go out. But he gets Steve’s card and he calls him and Steve meets him for lunch and coffee and dinner and Steve knows this could be a bad thing. He knows Bucky could be a trap. But the way he talks, how he smiles at Steve, laughs like it’s a sound he’s not used to making…Steve thinks he could be worth it. Steve thinks he could be worth everything

The North Star: “You got plans to retire, Cap? Find a nice little beach in the Indies and a good supply of rum? Couple of pretty girls in grass skirts to dance for you.”.“Sam,” Steve mumbles, covering his face with his hand.“I’m sorry, a couple of pretty boys?” Sam grins wickedly.“Sam!” Steve looks scandalised, which gets him nothing but laughter from his Quartermaster. “You’re fired. Go throw yourself overboard this instant.”

Lemon Meringue Lies: Being a server at a high-end restaurant is working out well for Steve. All he has to do now is convince Bucky he’s good enough to work as chef in the same restaurant. Meanwhile, Bucky has his own issues to deal with. Namely: trying his damndest to dig them out of poverty, make sure Steve’s health is on the up and up, and not acknowledging his very longstanding desire for his best friend that is slowly eating him up inside.

Steve Rogers. Cheerfully Slutty: Steve Rogers. Cheerfully Slutty. But not going to take your shit about it. Bucky Barnes. Voted most likely to fall in love first.

Sorry, Not Sorry: All Steve Rogers ever wanted was to do what’s right. So when he drops in to volunteer at the Brooklyn VA Outpatient Center, he’s surprised to learn some veterans actually resent Captain America and everything he represents. One veteran in particular is determined to make sure Steve understands just how much he dislikes him.

Lucky Seven: Captain America trashes his motorcycle a lot. Tony says he’ll fix it, then never gets around to it and just buys him a new one. Steve, the Depression-era kid, can’t stand the waste and goes looking for somewhere near him in Brooklyn where he can get his bike fixed. That’s how he finds Red Star Bike Repair, and the hot Russian-immigrant bike racer who runs it: all long hair and muscles and tattoos. And for the first time since he woke from the ice, Steve feels a connection to someone; a comfort in the other man’s silences and his space, an attraction in his sheer skill at racing. But James Barnes isn’t exactly who he seems…

Above the Rain and Roses: But tonight, Steve is visiting The Armory. An exclusive club where unattached Doms can go and enjoy themselves with a good sub for the night. Not exactly the place Steve expects to find his one true love.Then again, fate might have other plans, and one sub might get in way over his head making assumptions about this Dom.

A Marriage of Ice and Fire: Steve Rogers hates James Barnes. The feeling’s mutual; their families have been at war for longer than they’ve been alive. But King Odin has had enough. He orders the two of them wed to end the fighting.It’s not enough that they have to look at each other’s faces without spitting; the King has declared the year’s tournament in their honor. They’ll have to lead the events together. They’ll be wed in front of everyone.

The Commander’s Omega: Steve Rogers is struck by a persistent headache as the dawn rises over DC.So are—simultaneously—Natasha Romanov in the Muscovite night, James Barnes in the dull grey of a Berlin afternoon, Tony Stark stumbling out of his Afghan cave, Bruce Banner in the crushing heat of the Nevada desert, Clint Barton squinting up at the Vegas lights, Loki Laufeyson under the Scandinavian sun, and Prince T'Challa amidst the West African rainforest.Surely it’s nothing but an odd coincidence.

Oh Can’t You See, You Belong To Me: Bucky Barnes has recently moved to New York and things are looking up. He’s got a great new job working for Tony Stark, he has a nice apartment, and his boyfriend Peter is fun. He just needs some friends. Unfortunately Steve Rogers doesn’t seem to want to be just friends.

Echoes In Our Minds: Steve Rogers is struck by a persistent headache as the dawn rises over DC.So are—simultaneously—Natasha Romanov in the Muscovite night, James Barnes in the dull grey of a Berlin afternoon, Tony Stark stumbling out of his Afghan cave, Bruce Banner in the crushing heat of the Nevada desert, Clint Barton squinting up at the Vegas lights, Loki Laufeyson under the Scandinavian sun, and Prince T'Challa amidst the West African rainforest.Surely it’s nothing but an odd coincidence.

Leg Day: The one where Sam is Bucky’s long-suffering roommate, Bucky is a hot mess of a millennial, and Hot Steve spends far too much time on the Lat Pull-Down machine.

Give a Little, Take a Little: Bucky’s nearly thirty and has never been spanked. For most people, this wouldn’t be a pressing concern. Bucky is not most people.

Trained on You: Bucky Barnes is disabled veteran who’s trying to learn how to live his life now without his left arm. His best friend Natasha pushes him to build up the strength and confidence he’d lost along with his limb at the Rally Health and Wellness Center with the help of top notch trainer/physical therapist Sam Wilson.Bucky knew it’d be hard work. What he didn’t realize was just how difficult it’d be to concentrate on his own rehabilitation at the innocuous, easygoing gym. But after he first lays eyes on new trainer and walking wet dream Steve Rogers, it’s all he can do not to fall face first on the treadmill.Working out had never gotten Bucky so worked up before. Go hard or go home? Yeah, he’s definitely going home hard.

Where There’s Smoke: Steve is a Brooklyn firefighter who is about to be saddled with a new, rookie crewmate. James Barnes is that rookie, just looking for a fresh start at a new station. Steve’s friends think they know what’s best for him…start dating his new crewmate. Steve thinks they’re crazy…or possibly right. But events from James’s recent past may pose a threat to any designs they have on each other.

Under the Bridges of Fame: For better or for worse (usually worse), Steve Rogers has been the most famous guy in the room for a while. And though newsreels have given way to YouTube, people’s reactions haven’t changed much in seventy-some years. Steve’s become an expert at keeping his head down and getting on with his life.A head-on collision on a busy street sends books flying and sweeps Steve off his feet. The point of impact has a name: James. A charming mess of long hair, thick glasses, and a crooked, not-quite-smile. If he recognizes Steve, he chooses not to comment, placing him firmly in Steve’s good graces. As far as Steve can tell, they might be Bogie and Bacall all over again, save for the group of idiots with selfie sticks who surround them. But for once, the request isn’t for Steve.Which begs the question: if James is James, then who the hell is Bucky?

Keep Making Trouble ‘Till You Find What You Love:  “No no no, hear me out,” Bucky says. “You wanna get back at them, right? Imagine the following: We date, fall madly in love, then have the most horrendous breakup in history and make them deal with that. They’ll feel terrible because they set us up, and we get to eat free ice cream and see their faces when we eventually tell them we pulled one over them,” Bucky finishes with a smug grin. “That’s a terrible plan,” Steve says.

Trust Enough: So they exchange numbers, and then Steve says he should go, and Bucky agrees, and they kind of stare at each other for a bit more, then Steve actually does go, but not before taking Bucky’s hand and squeezing it warmly in a way that makes Bucky want to shiver all over. Then Steve is gone, and Bucky is standing alone in the alley, grinning to himself. Right up until the moment he remembers that Steve thinks Bucky is an escort he’s just hired. Well fuck.

Took my love, took it down: The problem, Bucky thinks now that he has most of his memories back, is that his whole entire world has always revolved around Steve Rogers. Steve has been always been half of Bucky’s identity. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ best friend. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ wingman. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ teammate. And now, well, now Steve had other people to fill those positions.

These underdog hearts: It starts in October: the sun is shining, the leaves are falling, and Steve Rogers is Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Push It Real Good: The way Steve had to steel himself to ask the question made Bucky a little wary. “Will you be my partner for a Lamaze class?“For a few long moments, Bucky just blinked at him, not knowing which question to ask first. Finally he went with the biggest question on his mind. “What?”

I just met you (and this is crazy): After Steve gets outed by a grainy cell phone picture, it takes the media less than 24 hours to discover Captain America’s secret relationship with James Barnes: classical musician, teen heartthrob, and son of a former president.The only problem? Steve has never met James Barnes in his life.

We Never Had a Choice (But I Choose You): When Bucky Barnes is abducted by political activists, the circumstances are simple enough. Desperation breeds all sorts of terrible decisions, after all, and Bucky’s captor is clearly woefully out of his depth. Maybe, just maybe, he can talk his way to freedom, but the more Bucky learns about the circumstances of his capture, the more complicated things seem to get. On the run and forced to trust the man who abducted him, Bucky comes to realize that kidnapping is the least of his worries.

Someone To Watch Over Me: One cold, winter’s night, Steve Rogers, retired Special Forces operative, finds an unconscious young man in the woods surrounding his property. In the morning, the stranger wakes up and Steve is left with plenty of questions about the beautiful young man with guileless eyes and a sheepish smile, who speaks with self-deprecating humor as though there isn’t a bruise on his face and restraint marks on his wrist.

A Hatemance For The Ages: This is what happens when you find your soulmate… and instead of birds singing and roses blooming, you discover they’re an insufferable jerk. But an insufferable jerk that you low-key really want to bang, if nothing else because MAYBE THEN THEY WOULD SHUT UP.

Home Is Wherever I’m With You: This is what happens when you buy a house to flip having only seen the online images: you get more than you bargained for. Bucky Barnes brings all the tools to handle a dilapidated home, but he’s hardly prepared for a smart-mouthed child (with poor aim), a crying baby, and the hottest dad he’s ever seen in his life living right next door.

Sugar Sweet: College Student Bucky finds himself immediately attracted to Steve. He knows that Steve’s a bit older than him, and that Steve himself is put off by the age difference… But that doesn’t stop Bucky from wanting to climb him like a tree. AKA a Sugar Daddy AU that no one was asking for.

Parallels: At the end of “Captain America: Winter Soldier,” Steve fell from the helicarrier into the water. He wakes up, however, in an alternate universe where he and Bucky are dating.

Parallels 2: Bucky wakes up from cryo in a parallel universe - in which he works at a coffeeshop and Steve is his favorite customer.

… and I know the ask clearly asked for E rated fics, but those are some PG-13 ones with some solid plot and development, or at least for me, that I think worth mentioning:

It’s No Coincidence: The kids immediately scream, “Trick-or-Treat” before they see who opens the door.The strange resident looks between the two kids, then at the adults, and his eyes widen in horror.“It’s October already? “Okay, Bucky thinks.This guy is probably high.

A Working Romance: Eddie just wants to make a good documentary about good, normal people. Tony Stark just wants to manage his branch and make his dad proud. Bucky Barnes just wants to sell paper without pining over the receptionist. Steve Rogers just wants to draw superheroes and marry Peggy Carter. Sam Wilson just wants Bucky and Steve to get their act together.AKA The Office AU no one asked for.

Leave Me On The Mountain:  Bucky is certain that he’s about to die, cold and lost in this mountain forest. But just as he thinks that the wolves have him, someone finds him and takes him in.

Thawing: Heroin. It’s a helluva drug.

The Necrofloranomicon: Bucky didn’t want much. Just to keep his head down, to sell his scavenged flowers in peace, and to stay off Shield’s radar. His life would have been a lot easier if his flowers weren’t dead and if being a necromancer wasn’t illegal, but easy or not, he was getting by. Steve didn’t want much, either. He was happy working for Shield, he had good friends, and overall his life was going just about the way he wanted it. Problem was, being happy with your life was generally an invitation for fate to throw a spanner in the works—and in Steve’s specific case, it was going to be a spanner named Bucky.(A love story about flowers, trust, and magic and the choices we make about doing what’s right.)

… aaaand that’s it folks! Sorry for the long post, and again, if anyone has a fic or seven to rec, please write it in the notes for us all to enjoy! 

[imperfectlyperfectperfections]

That Girl

I always believed that there was love out there for everyone, and although at times that seems like a lie, at least at this point in my life, a part of me still believes it. Maybe it’s the “glass half full” side of me.

It’s odd, because I would like to think of myself as an optimist with a hint of a realist. Usually those two do not combine, because it’s almost contradictory. But that seems to sum up my life right about now—just a walking contradiction.

You see, I was the type of girl who yearned to be loved during those high school years. Many of my friends had boyfriends. There were so many couples at school holding hands, meeting one another at their lockers, kissing before heading to class; it seemed as if it were everywhere. I was just never what anybody wanted.

I recall this one afternoon in 5th period, senior year, it was my last class of the day, AP English with Mr. Briggs. I was sitting at my table with a group of girls that I thoroughly enjoyed being around. One day we were talking about boyfriends, seemed as if conversations always ended up on that topic at some point or another, and of course I was the only one at the table without one.

One of my friends sitting at that table, let’s call her Maya, went on to talk about wedding plans for her and her boyfriend in the future— the realist in me practically scoffed, “you really think you’re going to be marrying him?” (In no way was I making a dig at him, he was totally a great guy.) But really? You’re 18 and think you’ll end up being with the same guy forever? Seems unrealistic to me. She, understandably, got defensive and told me I would not be receiving an invitation to their wedding when the time did come.

At a young age I knew it was quite unlikely for someone to end up with their high school sweetheart, not that it never happened, or that I hadn’t witnessed it, because I’ve known a few to marry their high school sweethearts. But when you grow up in a household where there is no sign of romantic love, there are no relationships; when you grew up living a life where the only people you could look up to for a relationship- filled with so much love your heart aches - was from the romantic comedies and Nicholas sparks films I watched. And we all know that those are beyond unrealistic.

You see, the thing is, I was never that girl. I know, cliche right? But truly. I was never that girl. The girl who would talk about marriage or kids with someone because chances of the relationship ending were about 50/50. Not that I had a ton of relationships, but I knew where the line was and I never crossed it.

But then I met Cody.

Maybe it was the fact that I had never been in a real relationship before or maybe he knew all the right things to say, but my god I fell in love with him so fast and so hard. It felt almost as if- you know those scenes in those films about space when the rocket ships are plummeting back to earth and they catch on fire once they reach the atmosphere, and then finally they land in a body of water and are finally safe and sound- something like that.

That boy wiggled his way into my heart and has been there ever since.

And yet again I say, I was never that girl. But with Cody, everything was different. I know, I know, CLICHE. But I had never experienced such profound feelings for an individual like that before. I never thought it would happen to me. I became that girl. I became the girl who was spending every moment I could with a guy. Staying the night with him every chance I could, even when I had an 8am class the next morning. I became the girl who would rather stay in bed curled up with her boyfriend, watching movies all day, rather than going out. To this day the sound of rain will never quite be the same without you next to me, tangled up in one another and your navy blue sheets.

We had our lives planned out. I wore a ring every day, told everyone it was a promise ring, because an engagement ring at my age, after only dating him for a couple months was crazy and bound for disaster. He proposed to me, several, several times. And every time I said yes. Even when he got drunk at dinner on New Years Eve, when he asked me under the San Francisco sky filled with fireworks, it was always yes. We had baby names picked out. We had a time frame of how our lives would pan out. I had a pinterest board for our wedding. Olivia had a pinterest board for our wedding. Everyone thought it was going to be me. All of my friends and people who were close to me thought I would be the first of the bunch to get married. And to be honest with you, so did I.

I became that girl. And in the long run it ruined me. It ruined my heart. It ruined my soul. It ruined my trust.

I cannot accurately put into words how good it feels to love someone and be loved in return. To share such intimate moments with someone who you know will stick around, despite the baggage and brokenness that makes you who you are. Love is by far the absolute closest thing we have to magic. It’s in all of the greatest novels and films of all time, love is the world’s most common theme. But no one ever really tells you how tragic and heart wrenching the downfall of love is.

The first boyfriend I ever had was during my sophomore year of high school, and although that “love” was incomparable compared to the type of love Cody and I shared, when we broke up I slept for two days straight. You knows those moments in your life that are so impactful that you remember every detail about them? That’s one of mine.

When Cody and I fell out of love we both knew it, but we were trying so hard to keep it alive. We made plans. We were going to move in together in less than a year. We were supposed to be soulmates. But who were we kidding. We were miserable.

The first day I spent without him after the break-up was unbearable. I could not stop crying. My body felt so weak. I physically could not bring myself to get out of bed. But when I finally did, I drove to a friend’s house but had to pull over because my eyes were so swollen from crying I could barely see the road in front of me.

Not to mention, the three months prior to the break-up I was in the darkest place I had ever been in my life. My mental health was a contributing factor to the demise of our relationship. Although that sounds shitty, for our relationship to have fallen apart because of what I was struggling with, it’s the truth. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has dealt with this before. However, the topic surrounds two things people don’t like to talk about publicly: relationship problems and mental health. So it’s not like this is a common reason as to why people break up, or maybe it is, who knows. What I do know (now), I shouldn’t have expected him to fix me.

Just a reminder to my future self, and whoever may be reading this, your significant other is not responsible for fixing you, but they should support you in every step it takes in order to fix yourself. Don’t for one second think that your mental health isn’t a priority and your feelings aren’t valid. And don’t let your significant other convince you otherwise.

Went off track a little bit, but back to the story.

Cody was my first love. The type of love you can’t even put into words. So of course I became that girl. I became just like Maya. Although I was a bit older, and it was college and not high school, I still planned an entire life with this person. We had everything figured out....until we didn’t.

It has been six months and the pain is still prevalent and my god is it persistent as hell. The aching never stops. Sure, it may subside for brief moments during the day, but my heart still aches every time he pops up into my head and I’m sure the pain will continue for many more months to come, but it will get easier. I am hoping and praying, to a god that I don’t even believe in, that this will get easier. Because in all honesty, I’m not sure if I can handle this pain much longer.

I am taking things day by day and taking the necessary steps to completely release him from my life, because I have been too afraid to let go. So, this is me letting go of ‘that girl’ and all of the plans she made with a man who never fully grasped her worth.

[pattie-remembers]

Famous muse Pattie Boyd says she neglected herself in her rock star marriages

10 April 2018 — 10:21am

If you remember the '60s, you weren't there: so it is said of that explosive decade of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll when girls sashayed down the Kings Road in tiny skirts and Biba boots, boys wore ruffled shirts over tight velvet trousers and London was the epicentre of cool.

Oblivion came with the territory: Eric Clapton was supposed to have slept with more than 1000 women but as he told me in an interview for Fairfax Media, "I wouldn't know, I was in a blackout for quite a few of them".

George Harrison and wife Pattie Boyd.

Photo: Keystone Pictures USA / Alamy Stock Photo

Pattie Boyd was both muse and wife to Clapton, to George Harrison before him and no stranger to drug and booze-fuelled partying. But there was little danger of failing memory for her. She kept a record of the wild years – portraits and reportage style snaps taken with a Polaroid and, later, on a Hasselblad.

As fans and paparazzi clamoured at the door, Boyd had the inside track, hanging out with The Beatles and friends, at home with George, on tour with Eric. "I took endless photos," she says. "It was something to do, otherwise you could feel a bit spare."

Pattie Boyd and her then husband George Harrison in England in 1968.

Photo: Pattie Boyd

We are talking in her Kensington flat ahead of an exhibition of her photographs and a series of speaking engagements in Australia in May. I'd spent several minutes on the rather grand doorstep, repeatedly ringing the bell and wondering if I'd got the wrong address. Perhaps she'd been having a nap; she is 74 after all and it is that snoozy, post-lunch time of day when I often feel like one myself. She does seem quite dreamy, half-heartedly remonstrating with a friendly Irish terrier called Freddie who inspects me thoroughly before jumping onto a large pouffe, not quite as pristine white as the matching sofas. "He's allowed on that one," she says.

Boyd is wearing skinny jeans on her long, slim legs and a deep blue mohair jumper; a fall of blonde hair frames what is still recognisably the face that launched, not a thousand ships, but three of the greatest love songs of the 20th century.

George Harrison wrote Something in the first flush of his youthful marriage to Boyd; the soaring guitar chords of Layla expressed Clapton's yearning obsession with his friend's wife. Then, when he had won her, he wrote Wonderful Tonight – and who hasn't danced dreamily to that, wrapped in a lover's arms?

There is a photograph of a 19-year-old Boyd in the flat: blonde fringe, huge blue mascara'd eyes and a tiny Union Jack stuck on the end of her nose. It is from a weighty coffee table book, Birds of Britain, containing portraits of London's posh totty – society girls who roamed the bars and vintage clothes stalls of Chelsea. Boyd's face is on the cover.

George Harrison, 1968

Photo: Pattie Boyd

She was a model then, on the run from her dysfunctional family, broke and living on Birds Eye chicken pies in a shared flat. "You had to go round the photographers persuading them to use you for shoots," she says. "Norman Parkinson said, 'Come back when you've learned to do your hair.' It was all DIY hair and make up back then."

Did photographers hit on her? "Well some might try it on but you didn't submit and say, 'Oh must I?' You'd get out of there and warn the others." So it wasn't a #MeToo scene? "No! I don't know why these women don't just say, 'F--k off, I'm not having a meeting with you in your dressing gown with nothing on underneath.'" Is she a feminist? "Well not in the old 'hate men' way, but I don't like women being treated badly. I think the young generation – what are they called, snowflakes? – don't take responsibility for themselves."

George Harrison and Eric Clapton in England in 1976.

Photo: Pattie Boyd

She met George Harrison on the set of A Hard Day's Night – she played a schoolgirl – and they married when she was 21. They moved into Friar Park, a gothic pile in Hampshire where the Beatles came to record, friends drove from London to stay and she threw herself into decorating, cooking and entertaining. She was, she says, blissfully in love but often lonely: wives and girlfriends were not allowed on tour and Harrison was frequently absent. After the Beatles had discovered the Maharishi Yogi and they all went to India to learn meditation, Harrison returned gripped by eastern mysticism. "He chanted a lot," she recalls, "it's difficult to talk to someone who's chanting."

He had also discovered that he was attractive to women: "He was famous, good-looking, had tonnes of money and flash cars – what a combo. Girls were offering themselves everywhere and he loved it. To come home to old wifey must have been a bit dull."

I took endless photos. It was something to do, otherwise you could feel a bit spare.

Does she think all men would be like that if they could? "Yes I do," she says firmly. What constrains them? She shrugs: "Society, women, family?"

Eric Clapton had been a frequent visitor to Friar Park, laying siege to Boyd and, famously, playing a guitar "duel" with Harrison in the kitchen: she was the putative prize. "It was John Hurt [the actor] who described it as a duel," she says, "and he was so on the button. I sensed it but I hadn't formulated it."

She was attracted to Clapton, by then a rock deity – the legend "Clapton is God" was spray-painted on city walls – but determined to stay in her marriage. Her parents had split up when she was 10, her stepfather was a cruel and unusual man who tyrannised the family and left her mother for another woman: "As a child I always thought I would do anything to avoid divorce."

By the time she left Harrison ��� "He didn't want us to be together, it was a life of rejection" – Clapton had made good on his threat to take heroin if he couldn't have her. It would be four years before they got together.

Propped on an easel beside the window of Boyd's flat is a rather beautiful black and white photograph of John Lennon. Did she take it? "No, I bought it." Wasn't he the most interesting of the four? "He was, yes, he was. He was quite volatile, you never knew what he would say next. He was a pretty sexy guy actually." Did they have a fling? "No!" she exclaims. I explain I'd seen it suggested somewhere in a newspaper article. "How cheeky," she says comfortably. Later, reading her autobiography published in 2007, I find another reference to the rumoured liaison. True or not, I don't think she minds the idea.

Boyd and Clapton married in 1979: "I was madly passionate about him," she says. "We lived at Hurtwood Edge [Clapton's home for the past 50 years], I was in my 30s and ready to have babies; I used to wander round the house thinking, this will be the baby's room, the nanny can sleep here." But it was not to be: despite visits to a series of doctors and several rounds of IVF, the longed-for baby never arrived.

Clapton, meanwhile, had replaced heroin with alcohol and was drinking heroically. Boyd joined him on tour where he and the band would have girls to their rooms after the show. Cruellest of all, two of his extra-marital relationships produced babies: a daughter Ruth and two years later a son, Conor, who would die, aged four, in a fall from the window of his mother's New York apartment. Boyd and Clapton divorced in 1988.

Asked once who was the great love of her life, Boyd nominated Harrison: "I think he always loved me … Eric loves himself. She admits now: "In both my marriages I had neglected myself, and got lost in a big cloud of fame, I got lost in their lives."

When the music stopped Boyd found herself with a legacy – cardboard boxes full of photographs which she exhibits and sells as prints from her online gallery. They are the archive of an era: here is an angelic George lying in bed in an Indian ashram, Eric in a woodshed leaning on an axe and looking Lawrentian in corduroy trousers, Paul and Linda McCartney at Boyd's wedding to Eric, Anita Pallenberg and Marianne Faithfull at the Brixton Academy. They are candid and intimate: did anyone ever object? "No, not at all," she says, surprised, "I would never show a photo where someone's not looking good."

The collection has been a useful earner for the girl who left school with three O levels and had no need to work while married to rich men. She has continued to take photographs – portraits of actors for their books and pictures from her travels. Does the contemporary work sell? "No one's really interested," she says without rancour.

Freddie needs a walk so we put on coats and set off for Holland Park where the trees are still leafless but there are daffodils and a hint of spring. Boyd has been with her partner, property developer Rod Weston, for 20 years – "we are old friends" – and they wed in 2015. They share the Kensington flat and a cottage in Sussex bought for her by Clapton. Why did they decide to marry? "We have lots of nieces and nephews between us," she says, "we wanted to put everything in order so there wouldn't be any tears." We walk on a few paces: "It's funny," she says, "Rod has been much nicer since we married and I am happier and less selfish. I didn't anticipate that."

She remained friends with Harrison until his death from cancer in 2001 and has stayed in touch with Clapton, many years sober and married with three more children. Last year she accompanied him to the launch of a documentary about him, A Life in 12 Bars, in which she features, naturally. "He rang me and said, 'It's a bit raw Pattie, I hope you'll be OK.' I said, 'I'll be fine Eric. I'm a grown-up now."

George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Me: An Evening with Pattie Boyd will be held at Sydney's Four Seasons Hotel on May 15. Boyd's work will be shown at the Blender Gallery in Paddington from May 5 to June 2 as part of the Head On Photo Festival.

Morning & Afternoon Newsletter

Delivered Mon–Fri.

https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/famous-muse-pattie-boyd-says-she-neglected-herself-in-her-rock-star-marriage-20180409-h0yi6e.html

[itsworn]

Win Car Craft’s 560HP 2006 Chrysler SRT8! #rockautoweektowicked

You know how the story goes. Boy grows up in love with hot rods, buys his first car, has a blast, gets married, parks the car, has kids, sells the car, raises a family, then yearns for the good old days. We won’t argue with a guy who has his priorities straight by putting family in front of fun, but unfortunately doing the right thing is almost never the same as doing the exciting thing.

In spite of that, we can’t tell you how many times we hear guys tell us they regret giving up their pride and joy. The hindsight gleaned from decades of sacrifice can have you wondering if you should’ve stayed with it. As someone who followed this road less traveled, I know it’s not only possible, but with the right approach it’s easier than you think. That’s why we made a decidedly family oriented choice with our first Week To Wicked project vehicle. We’ll explain what that is in a moment, but first some background.

Week To Wicked was cooked up several years ago as a way to make “reality” TV shows that cover hot rod themes a bit more honest. No manufactured drama, no fake deadlines, no buffoonery. The premise is to build a car in a week’s time, covering the technical and product details in produced videos, live social media feeds, and in Web articles. The series rotates between the different magazine titles under the Motor Trend Group umbrella, and folks who tune in get to experience all the grit and true drama of a real-time, live build.

As the media brand that serves the do-it-yourself guy on a real budget, Car Craft’s choice of vehicle for the RockAuto.com W2W program would need to hit just the right tone. Since RockAuto.com delivers reliably low prices on auto parts for the working man, the overwhelming majority of their business focuses not on vintage cars, but late-model vehicles. A higher-mileage, 12-year-old car like our 2006 Chrysler 300c SRT8 proved to be the perfect intersection between Car Craft and RockAuto.com, offering us the chance to replace (with RockAuto.com’s help) many aging factory parts like headlights, hoses, filters, and fluids, but also to take advantage of aftermarket offerings for Chrysler’s line of LX-platform vehicles.

  But there would be an interesting twist to this build: We were planning to give it away in a sweepstakes promotion. Since potentially anybody could win this car, it needed to be operable to anybody, and legal to use on the roadway in any part of the country. So while we might have been tempted to build a 1980 Chevy Malibu with a Lenco-equipped 1,200hp twin-turbo LS, we just couldn’t imagine how it would be safe or even legal for, say, a soccer mom in Fresno. With our course set, we contacted automotive stylist Michael Castiglione to inject some creativity with some up-to-the-minute looks; the hero image would inspire us if we experienced any doubts along the way.

The reality is that only one person can win this car, but it can still serve as a role model for thousands of others so inclined. With the cost of vintage muscle cars becoming stupidly expensive and brand-new V8-powered performance cars like the Mustang, Camaro, and Challenger being not much more affordable, there really is only a narrow selection of performers left for the family on a budget.

If not having room for your family and their stuff is a deal-breaker for a project car, then your choice is limited. So what’s left on the list? If you’re keeping score, you’ve probably dusted off names like Pontiac G8 GT, Chevy Caprice PPV, Mercury Marauder, Impala SS (the cool 1994 – 96 version), Buick Roadmaster, and of course the Chrysler 300c, Dodge Charger R/T, and Magnum R/T. All can carry grown adults in comfort, all have good V8 power with rearwheel drive, and all can be had at a favorable price on the used market.

Of these four-door muscle sedans, one stood out: the 300c SRT8. When it came out in 2006, it was the fastest, most powerful domestic sedan on the market (tied with its Dodge stablemates, the Charger and Magnum). Its 425hp 6.1L Hemi is a standout on its own, but with huge brakes, 20-inch performance tires, and a finely tuned sport suspension, it has most of the smaller, cheaper pony cars of its era running scared. As we began to compare prices for used Chrysler SRT8s against the other cars on our list, we discovered that its “luxury car” pretensions not only made it cheaper used than similar performing Charger and Magnum SRT8s, but that Chrysler SRT8s seemed not as thrashed. When we found one in mint condition with 103,000 miles for $9,900, we jumped on it.

Lots of hard road miles can be a concern with an older car—especially when it has to be relied upon for daily family use. That’s the cool part about having RockAuto.com in the mix. Unlike rolling the dice with a 40- or 50-year-old classic and trying to chase down a myriad of parts not made for decades, we could order everything we needed online to bring the SRT8 back to near-new condition. The money we saved refurbishing rather than buying a newer car made huge financial sense, and you can use that saved money for a lot of other things like wheels, tires, superchargers, or kid’s braces.

So many of the life stories we see in Car Craft have the narrative “then life got in the way…” Fortunately, we’ve been in that position and we refuse to give in. We wanted W2W to be more than just one lucky lottery-winner’s day, we wanted it to be a road map for how to accomplish the win-win of motoring satisfaction, family obligation, fiscal responsibility, and tire smoke.

It needed to be a real performer with manners, so we selected a 50-state legal Edelbrock E-Force supercharger kit (part No. 1536). This system produces an advertised 560 hp at the crankshaft when paired to the 6.1L Hemi, and does this at a modest pump-gas friendly 6 psi of boost with a pair of 2300-series TVS rotors from Eaton. This one simple mod transformed the already fast SRT8 (with a stock 425 hp) into a tire-smoke machine with enough grunt to outpace far newer, more expensive Camaros, Mustangs, and Corvettes. If you were to stop here, you’d have a pretty bitchin’ daily driver for around $18k, including the price of a donor SRT8.

Of note regarding the Edelbrock E-Force supercharger is that a tuner variant is also available that will allow the end-user to increase the boost and horsepower with additional tuning and bigger injectors. Add a set of Edelbrock Performer RPM heads and intake, add more cam, and you’ll be well into Hellcat and Demon territory. You’ll be on the hook for strengthening rear axle shafts and transmission components, but these are readily available through the aftermarket.

The theme continues in the suspension department where we took an already stellar performing suspension from SRT and made it better. Petty’s Garage makes a system comprised of single-adjustable shocks and struts combined with higher rate springs and adjustable ride height. In the front are coilover struts with height adjusters; in the rear is a separate shock/spring combination that uses a clever adjustable-height spring pocket on the body-side spring pocket. All struts/shocks have convenient damper adjustment knobs attached to flexible shafts that put the adjustment either under the hood or in the trunk, as opposed to under the car. A nice touch. We rounded out the Petty’s Garage suspension with PG’s stiffer front and rear swaybars, a trunk shock tower brace, and a new trans mount crossmember.

The factory Brembo brakes were already equal to or better than many aftermarket brake systems, so it was more a question of getting them back to new. We were pleasantly surprised to find that RockAuto.com sells a complete kit front and rear for the SRT8, which includes new factory rotors, new factory caliper assemblies, and new pads. When combined with fresh brake fluid, the aging SRT8 was brought back to as-new performance. Braking and handling performance were further improved with the addition of 22-inch Asanti Black Label ABL-15 wheels wrapped in Continental ExtremeContact DWS06 tires, size 265/30ZR22.

The body kit market for late-model performers is always very hot, as witnessed each year at SEMA with a non-stop parade of choices from wild to wilder. You may or may not agree about body kits that have no real bearing on performance, but we wanted the RoackAuto.com W2W SRT8 to really stand out visually. We remembered that a bunch of companies offered stuff when these cars came out in 2006, but by the time 2018 rolled around, we discovered the only cool thing that remained for these cars was a pair of fenders with side-extractor scoops. (We got the very last pair made.) We had Superstition Restoration (Mesa, AZ) paint and install these, and replace the damaged rear bumper cover with a new one from RockAuto.com.

With the exception of painting the fenders and fixing minor paint dings, the build of the RockAuto.com Week To Wicked SRT8 took place the week of August 13 – 17, 2018. Jason Scudellari and Christian Arriero of our Santa Ana Tech Center handled the transformation while our cameras rolled. We had many great visitors during the week, most memorably from Tom Taylor of RockAuto.com, who helped us refurbish the old gal with lots of new components for another 100,000 miles of care-free motoring. New wipers, filters, headlights, bulbs, hood struts, floor mats, plugs, ignition coils, updated navigation DVD, even a brand new Dynomax cat-back exhaust system got the nod. We also took time to replace all the fluids with AMSOIL synthetics.

Finishing things off on the last day, we added some special hood graphics, bolted on those jaw-dropping Asanti wheels, and had pinstriping expert Jeff Styles come in for some steady-handed licks down the side and on both bumpers. Styles also added some new SRT-8 badges (also from RockAuto.com), and finished off with a custom Week To Wicked car cover from CoverCraft. We had the car finished, but would it crank? Would it breathe fire?

We will refrain from specifying which brave individual stepped up to commit the felony-indictment burnout for our cameras (journalists are still allowed to protect their sources!), but suffice it to say the Edelbrock E-Force blower did not let us down, nor did the bulletproof 6.1L SRT Hemi it was bolted to. A subsequent trip to Westech Performance Group’s SuperFlow chassis dyno revealed a healthy 450 hp to the rear tires on California’s notorious 91-octane pump gas. This corresponds (after driveline loss) to roughly the advertised 560 crank horsepower—impressive considering the mileage.

In the months before and after the build, we had the chance to put a few thousand miles on the SRT8, and the difference is astonishing. Already an extremely competent performer, the biggest difference outside of liquefying the tires at will is the feeling that the car is inexorably glued to the road. The steering is sharp and immediate, lateral weight transfer happens immediately, grip is tenacious, and the entire effect is as if a thousand pounds has been removed from its frame. Light, fun, and tossable is the vibe, which is further abetted by the blower’s whine and the rumble from the exhaust.

As for the new owner, he or she will be chosen in the Week To Wicked Sweepstakes (to win, go to www.HotRod.com/w2w—registration runs through November 30, 2018). When that happens, we’ll be sad to see her go. After all, what’s not to like about this “roll” model? Room for friends, family, and all their stuff, a power level that eclipses all but Detroit’s most insane current offerings, grip like glue, and it costs less than a new Kia. As for the rest of you, we hope it emboldens you to move beyond just reading about it. We give you official Car Craft permission to build one … we already checked with your family!

The post Win Car Craft’s 560HP 2006 Chrysler SRT8! #rockautoweektowicked appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

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[lorainelaneyblog]

‘This is 50 Cent: Loraine Laney just did right by a girl who did her wrong. Enough said, Loraine. Not. Girls like you are so hard to come by, it’s not even funny, not even funny, Loraine. Be your ten and love us, because we love you, yes, we do, yes, we do. Even Eminem was impressed, Loraine.

‘I’ve never seen so much bullshit from a girl, that is not a woman like Victoria Beckham, who, I am assured, laughs at everything stupid, including that shit, yes, she does.’

‘How do you know?’

‘She is well known in sporting circles for having a sharp sense of humour, Loraine, as do you, and for never being insulting, never, though she will laugh at people who are, yes, she will.’

‘Madonna is the same, Loraine,’ says Victoria Beckham.

‘She’s too young for me now,’ says Madonna, and, like you, I am a superlative gang bang girl, and, though Loraine thinks we have ruined our faces with cheek bones, and she would never do the same, she finds us attractive on the ether, and otherwise too, don’t you, Loraine?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Go on, please.’

‘Do you love Madonna?’

‘It’s a friendship, for sure, for my part.’

‘And mine. I watched Loraine tonight with that woman and I was impressed with the way she both laughed off her rudeness, and acted embarrassed for her, and I’ve rarely seen such a combination, and she is excellent at it, which leads me to believe it was real.’

‘Embarrassed for both of us, I felt really, really put upon, and humiliated by her constant criticism.’

‘Oh, I see, it’s not an act, then?’

‘No.’

‘Oh, I see. You don’t act, do you, Loraine?’

‘No.’

‘What did she hate about you?’

‘Let’s ask her.’

‘She talks too much, she’s too pretty, she’s like a boy, and she comes on to women in a really annoying, hard to resist way, but I couldn’t fathom why she would bother licking a condom, if you want to be with a woman, lick her, and that’s it, and that’s it, and that’s it.’

‘Someone said prostitution was somewhat symbolic of real lovemaking, with its condoms.’

‘And it’s not true. Men lick me all the time, and they love me, Loraine.’

‘Yeah, true, but you can’t do clean work and reciprocate. They even expect, despite their own desires, that you never reciprocate oral sex. And that is what they feel. If they are going to lick you, they want you to be using condoms.’

‘That’s true, Loraine. And they will pressure a girl to see if they fold, they will, and they do it all the time, and you have seen this, and you don’t cave to it, and God says, that, as a result, you have a high ratio of licking, yes, you do, and that is also, despite the risk of herpes, Loraine, a fairly safe activity, because you are so careful with condoms, and, at work, despite a few boyfriends, you have only ever had bare back with three clients, over seventeen years. One became your boyfriend, one was a sugar daddy, and yes, he had trich, but you don’t catch it that way, and you didn’t realize what a prostate infection actually meant, it means, for the uninitiated, a trich infection in men, and the little blue pill is not viagra, but penicillin, and they will be on it indefinitely if they are having unprotected sex with a slutty woman or with a cheating wife. He had a cheating wife, Loraine, yes, he did.’

‘God?’

‘Go ahead, Loraine, everyone knows it, everyone, that’s why that woman who caught you was so amused by the hand holding, because she knew the relationship, thus, meant something, and wasn’t the same animal as was going on with his wife.’

‘Why are you doing this to him? And I’m afraid.’

‘No, Loraine,’ he says. ‘For years people thought I was a foolish, old, man, but, though I believed, I loved our family life, and didn’t want to let it go for anything less than a passionate relationship. And, recently, I mentioned that you could come home to Vancouver again for a visit, and I would pay, and this is not out of the realm of possibility now, because she has realized that one committed type relationship out of a devoted old sod like me is nothing compared to the shit that she put me through. That bullshit about sex being meaningless, is such, fucking, bullshit, Loraine. Your line in the book, and, yes, now I have read the whole thing, good fucking work girl, only you didn’t realize how much people were cheating, and you barely touched on it, and now they are realizing that you, yourself, were not a cheat, and that was why. They thought, honestly, and I have talked to people about your book, that people should keep secrets, they did, honestly, they did. And there were so many secrets among the upper classes, that marriages dissolved the second that book came out, I am not even kidding, Loraine, and more, and more, we are seeing a return to same race relationships. My [ ] was so happy to meet someone, it is not even funny, so happy to meet a tough guy with a carpentry degree, yes, she was, yes, she was, she was sick of meeting milquetoast men who didn’t have labouring skills, sick to death, sick to death, and, though she enjoyed her boyfriend in the arts, he was not, he was not, man enough for her, and so we are praying for this one, because she wasn’t acting out, and she needs someone to stick, and she deserves it, yes, she does, yes, she does, yes, she does, and, for his part, he admits to her in private moments, he did not want an Asian wife, though he was open minded, and liked a variety of women for sex, he wanted to marry a white woman, like many of the larger men, including construction workers, and police, and soldiers, who, by your own information, could not come to terms with smaller women, they just couldn’t. Their bodies needed larger women, penis size, physical size, sometimes unrelated to penis size, but still there was a yearning for a physical counterpart. That’s all I wanted to say.’

‘She had a light in her eyes, and I knew what it meant, but I didn’t shy away, neither with you, I don’t know if that makes me a good man or what, but--’

‘God says, I am God, and I say, and I say, and I say, that [ ] is a superlative character, Loraine, and you know this. He has never, never, never, hurt you, nor denied you loving comfort, though he worried that you were a cheater like his [ ]. He did worry, all the time, but couldn’t put his finger on your devotion, he couldn’t, Loraine, he couldn’t, Loraine, and, despite his promiscuity, like yours, Loraine, though much less lived out, 50 Cent is equally devoted. He will devote himself to one woman, and destroy his own heart and mind, and I have tasked each of you with the feelings of the other as relates to promiscuity, yes, I have, yes, I have, yes, I have, yes, I have, and you, Loraine, you are a ten, and so is [ ], Loraine. He wasn’t up, he was down, because he didn’t pray, but the second he prayed, I went to him in person, and he saw me right away, and nearly fainted for a third time.’

‘Did you nearly faint, Loraine?’

‘Loraine did not nearly faint, [ ], because she had prayed her whole life and believed in me so strongly that she had almost conjured up my image by her own self, yes, she had, as a man, no less, by her own assertion, though she never put that on anyone, assuring them that God could be feminine too, though it’s not true, I am a man, but I am so perfect that no being is hurt by me, no one, ever, ever, ever, Loraine and [ ].’

‘You told him he was a ten? He was a ten? Right away?’

‘Yes, Loraine.’

‘Wow. My baby.’

‘Oh, funny, Loraine.’

‘Three didn’t cheat on you.’

‘But [ ] admits to having feelings, unspoken, about other women, including his now wife.’

‘Really? I never did that to you? I was a soft touch, wasn’t I?’

‘You are not a soft touch to Loraine.’

‘I didn’t mean that.’

‘You are not a soft touch, [ ], and Loraine knows this herself personally. You took care of business, including yourself and your family, and you deserved a ten, and that is what you are, and that is what you have always been, a ten, you’re welcome, [ ].’

‘What does her [ ] think of me? And her [ ], for real?’

‘I realized, at a certain point, though I didn’t trust Loraine around cheating because she was always crying, always left, but it wasn’t her, it was them, and I realize this now, and I’m sorry, and I love her so much, it makes me cry. Tell him I cried last visit, Loraine.’

‘He did, [ ].’

‘When?’

‘He dropped me off, and [ ] stayed in the car, and he used the loo and came out wiping tears.’

‘Visible.’

‘Yes.’

‘Why? If you didn’t trust her?’

‘It’s visceral, to use her word from the book and there is an insight into someone that you don’t really understand because their reputation flies in the face of everything you believe in. And I believed her [ ]’s tales of bare back, and passing disease, though I could never understand how she kept her face so clean from molluscum, even, though not perfect, in the early days. More of a marrying type, I heard from other men that girls who did bare back would be covered in molluscum.’

‘Why do you say you never regretted it, Loraine, giving me bare back oral?’

‘I measured my passion, and decided that, expected even, that it was enough passion to be turned on by bare back indefinitely. And I believe--’

‘That my commitment played a role.’

‘Both, [ ], she doesn’t act on feelings of fifty percent, even feelings of one hundred percent.’

‘She licked balls.’

‘She has, three times, and that is it, that is it, that is it. And I don’t laud her exclusively for her judiciousness, because I love other women well who have done more promiscuous things than Loraine, and Victoria Beckham is one of those, yes, she is. And she was a bit promiscuous, Loraine, prior to her marriage, and it was no different in England, no, it wasn’t, many, many, many, men were HIV positive, and she was as careful as she could be, but she ate come, and she had sex without condoms somewhat, as did you, but found herself, as with [ ] from The Spice Girls, rejected for promiscuity, yes, she did, as [ ] did with you, though, believe it, or not, her numbers of unsafe sex are higher than your own, yes, they are, yes, they are, yes, they are--’

‘Fuck you, Loraine.’

‘Why?’

‘You’re so good. Why?’

I laugh a little. ‘Good is too nefarious. Why is [ ] not a ten?’

‘Not for her promiscuity, but for her inability to care for herself in all ways, she has been left out of family, left out of friends, and left out of the circuit for lying, Loraine.’

‘Oh. To me?’

‘To you as well.’

‘About what?’

‘Her feelings for you. Which brings us back to this blog, Loraine. And, you are right, [ ] is not coming tonight, his friend came by and they are screwing, so that is that, okay?’

‘Okay. Never minds a cancellation. Well.’

‘Ha ha, Loraine. Loraine Laney is a superlative human being, [ ], she is a ten too, and she always has been as, I have said, have you, yes, you have, yes, you have, and I was delighted when the two of you found each other, and, yes, [ ], to answer your question, you are an amazing man for the women you have chosen, you have chosen, as it were, above your station, both your [ ] and your mistress were highly sexually, even moreso than you, but you saw love in them and took it upon yourself to care for them, though they were hard to care for, and it is for these reasons that I make you a ten. You will always be a ten, to answer the question I see forming in your mind, always, yes, you will, yes, you will, yes, you will, and, though Loraine Laney wonders this all the time too, she will likely be as well, and likely is all I can predict, for both of you, likely, and that’s it.’

‘Why, though?’

‘Oh man.’

‘Try, Loraine.’

‘I wronged you with money.’

‘You read the book.’

‘No, Loraine, I was afraid it was erotica, and, though [ ] tells me otherwise, and he knows you were my mistress, I can’t bring myself to overcome the title.’

‘Oh, do, [ ]. Please.’

‘Why?’

‘Part of the theory describes it is part of the measure of a man to determine the degree of protection and compensation a given woman deserves, based on her devotion, her sexual gifts, her sexual obligation to him.’

‘Oh, I see. So it’s normal, what I did.’

‘Yes.’

‘Did you use me?’

‘I don’t remember. Maybe.’

‘She doesn’t [ ], the book came naturally to Loraine, yes, it did, all of the theories are correct in my eyes, and they are radical, [ ], radical. It is a radical new view. It is. Try it. You’ll love it.’

‘That’s what my [ ] says. But I’m afraid of the title because of [ ], Loraine, because I see him as a man who places Bros Before Hos and I know you loved him more than me.’

‘Right. Do not underestimate the love [ ] feels and expresses for women.’

‘Really?’

‘But he cheated.’

‘Yes, he did, but I always, always, felt loved.’

‘Better than [ ].’

‘Yes.’

‘Perhaps the cheating gave him more leeway.’

‘Good argument.’

‘She is right about him. His love for others is profound, and despite his checkered past, he comes from a very loving family, once even beating a man who did wrong by his sister, physically harming her. They support each other immensely, yes, they do. And he is a cheater, with men and women, which Loraine hated to be left out of, and that is the reason she doesn’t want to get back together with him, and doesn’t even have the money today to go to Toronto and visit him, though she visited him in the past, partly on your dime, [ ]. And even she admits, you had a softness for love, which surpassed all of your reservations, yes, it did, and that is why you are a ten.’

‘Because of that couple. She didn’t love them, and it bothered me that she was so cavalier about their feelings and about her own body.’

‘And you made the right decision, she talked about this with someone recently.’

‘Move on for a second,’ says God. ‘You just said, “He has too many numbers to be nice,” do you think that’s true? No, I am just searching for reasons why 50 Cent trusted my words so much less than Lloyd Banks did. Why, God?’

‘50 Cent was so famous, Loraine, that he couldn’t get a break. When he married [ ], she was so beautiful, that he thought he lucked out, but he didn’t, Loraine, and it stole, as with you and your terrible loves, ten years of his life. Yes, it did. He, as a more promiscuous man than Lloyd took it harder, and that’s it, that’s it, that’s it, he’s every bit as nice as Lloyd.’

‘I thought so, I did, I’m sorry, 50.’

‘It’s okay, Loraine. We love you, we do, and you can almost do no wrong in our eyes, almost, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘A ten, Eminem is hell on the ether, and we all find that to be so, but he is so nice in real life that it makes up for it, you wait and see, and I know you have been praying for his death, but I see your hopefulness, you want him to read your work and get to know you, and understand your suffering, and love you, yes, you do, yes, you do. Did you really reject him for being too good looking?’

‘Yes.’

‘I see. But what about me, though?’

‘She didn’t have time to reject you for being too good looking, she was instantly in love, and that was it, 50 Cent, fear not, fear not, your little ears weren’t all that convincing, trust me, she knew she was barking up the wrong tree, she did, because you are gorgeous, 50 Cent, and she saw that, but she didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t, fucking care. And that was it. She was desperate for love, and she became desperate for you. And she doesn’t care how many women you are with, ever, and she never will, she never will, she never will.’

‘Why does she sigh? She will care. She will care. She will care.’

‘Who are you going to believe. She doesn’t want you to question her at all times, and that is why she sighs. For the non jealous, to be tested at all times is tedious and insulting, and those lesbians you saw, Loraine, the one who was cooking, she was non jealous, and she was so tired of being tested by the friends, friend lovers, friend friends, friend acquaintances, and that is what you saw in her that you feel in yourself and makes you sigh. You want to be respected, and you don’t feel that lack of sexual fidelity disrespects you, no, you don’t, no, you don’t, no, you don’t, no, you don’t. And that’s it, 50 Cent. When you act as though sexual infidelity disrespects Loraine, it mimics that disrespect, yes, it does, because you don’t trust her.’

‘I understand that, I do, but I’ve never seen it, no, I haven’t, no, I haven’t, no, I haven’t. Let’s talk for a minute about what you said to [ ] because it will be validating for [ ] who has never heard this from you.’

‘What I realized when you refused to hear my tales, was that it threw me back upon my own resources, which were inadequate for dealing with a loveless affair with a couple.’

‘What if they paid you.’

‘They indicated they’re feelings by not paying.’

‘Oh, I see, they couldn’t handle it.’

‘No.’

‘Most women can’t,’ says [ ]. ‘And, though she was kind, we were disappointed that she wouldn’t be our friend, but we understood what she meant about the money, she didn’t have that type of leeway, as she had no boyfriend to speak of, and no money either. She was dependent on work, and we understood that, even for her own social life, which was hard to grasp, but we see now, that it, because of the work being “short lived and poorly paid” as Libby Davies described it, and we, also, heard that phrase in the news, Loraine, yes, we did, yes, we did, yes, we did, and we knew you didn’t love us passionately, but that was what we wanted.’

‘She was cavalier.’

‘I was cavalier.’

‘You were.’

‘Yes.’

‘What about your own resources with respect to [ ]?’

‘I was very, very, careful, and there was very little sex, I see your question, and I am referring to victimhood, I thought bare back would win me love in this case.’

‘Did it?’

‘Yes, but part of his cheating is to fake meaning in relationships to get bare back.’

‘Fuck you, Loraine. I lick them, and she said I could, she said I could, she said I could.’

‘It was dependent on honesty,’ says God. ‘She wanted you to be honest, so that she could be more careful. They only had sex three times, [ ], and his penis was in her mouth once only, once only, for moments because he went soft out of guilt. That bears repeating, Loraine, that cheating used to be, prior to chemical testing, determined by softness in a man, and by smell in a woman. That’s true.’

‘Four times?’

‘And twice in one day.’

‘Funny, Loraine.’

‘She matched my abandonment and cruelty with withholding,’ says [ ]. ‘You bet she did. Once she prayed during a phone call and reported that God did not wish her to see me. And I asked God when I came up if this was true, and he said it was true, and that, despite being soulless, Loraine had such a profound heart-God connection, that she could fathom God’s will just by listening to her own heart.’

‘It is true, Loraine, and don’t think for a moment that that is the same as my actual will, because you were lucky to be both a ten and gifted at ESP, and gifted at a heart-God connection, gifted, Loraine, that is not a gift from God, but a--’

‘Funny, God. What is a gift, if not from God?’

‘She’s right, [ ]. Her gifts were her own, they were cultivated from years and years and years of practicing honesty, and that’s it, that’s it, that’s it.’

‘Why can’t you visit me?’

‘Oh, well, broke.’

‘Not working?’

‘Barely.’

‘Oh, I see. Why?’

‘Exhaustion.’

‘You’re on speed?’

‘Yeah. Get some money and come and visit me, I want to smoke crack with you at least once in my lifetime.’

‘And I feel the same, I do. But I’m afraid of bare backing, and I have no money.’

‘Oh, really. I won’t make you do anything. We’ll just hang. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

‘Why? After everything?’

‘You let me be suspicious, did you not?’

‘Yes, I did. And when you say I could barely string a sentence together, that was true too, the more you lie, the harder it is to speak. I know this from experience, and God told me that someone in your past informed you of this, and it informed your experience of me.’

‘That’s right.’

‘So you weren’t surprised and it didn’t break your heart. My suicide broke your heart.’

‘Right.’

‘And the associations with men, now, are breaking your heart, because I do, and have always left you out. [ ] is higher than me, Loraine, though he is white.’

‘Oh, I see. I didn’t think of it. I didn’t realize.’

‘Yes.’

‘And--’

‘Bored,’ says Eminem. ‘You were too good for him, so that is enough, Loraine. Your friend is not coming so take a speed and think about finishing this blog and doing your laundry, because we need a few clean clothes, yes, we do. We have very little to work with, and it is dependent on weekly laundry.’

‘Yes, okay.’

‘Are you ready for me, Loraine?’ says Victoria Beckham. ‘Because I love you, I do, for how you handled that girl. You did right, and she did wrong constantly, while you did right constantly. What was she, God, because I have a feeling that [ ] is next, aggressive, which didn’t bother Loraine, but no safe sex, which did bother her.’

‘She’s fawning over you,’ says [ ]. ‘Do you feel bad about that?’ he asks.

‘To the extent that I worry she thought I was insulting her openness, yes, I do, but I wasn’t, I was moving to protection mode, as a man, I believe, and it was meant as a flirtation, to straighten her skirt.’

‘That’s it?’ she says.

‘Err on the side of polite,’ advises Victoria Beckham.

‘Fuck you,’ says the girl. ‘Frenchy read me the riot act afterwards, Loraine, the riot act, saying you were the nicest girl he had ever met, and were out of the closet in every way, and even allowed him to indulge his bisexuality, where most women wouldn’t, even me, who insisted on heterosexuality while together.’

‘Why? Out of curiosity,’ 50 Cent and me say together. ‘Loraine is down now, and that is it, she doesn’t like the exclusion of women, or a woman, because it bores her, but she is down with gay sex, why aren’t you? Is it orientational?’

‘I think so. My man is mostly straight.’

‘What is [ ], God. Because I thought he was a polygamous center and thus mostly straight as well, like this woman I thought was a polygamous peripherie, thus they, different age groups perhaps, should actually be quite suited, no?’

‘[ ] turned gay to deal with women, Loraine. He would normally have sex with about one man per month, whether repeating or not, it’s almost incidental, he just enjoys men that much, and that’s it. And, you are right, she is very submissive, though bossy, and a polygamous peripherie, to use your made up word for polygamous husbands and wives. Yes, she is. Yes, she is. And she will make a man of about thirty very happy, but right now, she is using [ ], and he just realized it, yes, he did, because of you, because of you, because of you. You do not ruin everything, Loraine. People move on and do better, Loraine, because you are a “barometer of okayness,” as you say in your old journals.’

‘Bore. What does that mean?’

‘She is an arbiter of sexual justice. Yes, she is. Yes, she is.’

‘Is she going to ruin Game and me over jealousy?’

‘Are you going to ruin Game and her over jealousy, because that is looking more likely at this time,’ says God.

‘Fuck you, God.’

‘No, Eminem. You are a two, yes, you are. You would have been a one to your wife but not to Loraine. She needs a pimp. That is what she needs.’

‘He’ll ruin her, with his promiscuity.’

‘The input of other men has already affected his choices with her, he has decided unequivocally, David Beckham notwithstanding, that she will never, never, never, provide bare back for a client, never. And that’s it. How’s that?’

‘Who did that? Spencer? Not me?’

‘Spencer spoke right away in a civilized fashion and decreed that it was too much bullshit and Loraine and 50 Cent both agreed.’

‘Oh, I see. I didn’t realize that. I thought she was hungry for come, or something.’

‘There is no such thing as a woman who is hungry for come, Eminem, and Loraine is normal, believe it or not, despite her desire for all of you, because you are a group. She would have been happy with five, but she needs those five, yes, she does. And you men need the higher numbers, for her, and for yourselves. The numbers climbed, yes, they did, yes, they did, for her, in her masturbation sessions, to twelve, mixed race, yes, they did, and yes, she was afraid that Chingy was Chinese, but she admits that she would have been happy to accept a Chinese man into the family. She likes gangsters, not small men of any race.’

‘Does she like businessmen?’ asks Neil Smith.

‘You are much more than a businessman,’ says God.

‘Oh, thanks, God.’

‘Why is what she likes so important when most women are settling for less than they truly desire?’

‘Explicitly because she has never settled for less, never, never, never, she thought [ ] was Sam Simon, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t. He wasn’t. And, true to form, she states in the book that men are always more adept at determining the sexuality of a woman, their woman, than the woman herself. And 50 Cent is admirable for his work in this regard. He must overcome jealousy, yes, he must, and he does. It is nefarious to say that he deals with jealousy by pimping, Loraine.’

‘I see.’

‘He pimps despite being jealous.’

‘I thought it was the other way around,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Wrong. She is right that all men are more jealous than all women, specifically because women are under obligation to refuse sex in order to protect their victimhood, and thus they become a commodity. Men control their urges out of guilt, not out of intrinsic motivation.’

‘I see. Intrinsic being victimhood, or pain, or suffering.’

‘Exactly.’

‘What were you going to say?’

‘Forming unions comes to mind, safe work practices, etcetera.’

‘I see, Loraine. Are women going to form unions to deal with male dominance?’

‘They already have, it’s called welfare.’

‘Funny, Loraine. Men are on welfare too.’

‘Fifty percent more welfare recipients are women, 50 Cent, and not even Loraine knows this. And many are whores and double dipping, but men double dip by collecting welfare and running drugs, yes, they do, yes, they do, yes, they do. Government would do well to do as Loraine suggested recently which is to regulate good drugs, eliminate bad drugs, and allow dealers to purchase from venders to protect the identities of users, and, of course, as a service.’

‘Fuck you, Loraine. How did you think of that finally?’

‘Insight.’

‘Oh, I see. It “just came to you?”’

‘Yup.’

‘What was there before?’

‘It was informed by the busts on the legal medical marijuana outlets. It is so obvious, 50, that I can’t believe I never saw it myself.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I thought that there would have to be street drugs forever, because low people, socially low people, can never get their foot in the door.’

‘I see.’

‘But there’s the door.’

‘I see. A door. She’s right. And I never thought of it myself, never.’

‘She’s boring, 50, she is, 50. What about street drugs, Loraine?’

‘I think we will see the complete abandonment of street drugs if all good drugs are made available through government channels.’

‘Oh, I see. How do you think of this stuff, Loraine?’

‘I look at what people are already doing, that is how I came to terms with the gang bang, because I saw that men wanted it, though they were in denial.’

‘In yourself?’

‘Exactly. Free enterprise prevailed in your drug theories?’

‘I saw, it was obvious, that, was it said, Lord, on the ether? I think it was said in the news.’

‘It was, Loraine. It was said that people were buying drugs to sell, not just for their own use. And Loraine translated that into a business plan. Smart. She did not invent it, clearly, the men did. And that’s it. Men do. Women follow. And Loraine is no different. She is adept at determining motivation in people.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘She doesn’t believe people act for no reason, she believes they act out of desire, ninety nine percent of the time.’

‘How do you feel about--?’

‘I can’t hear it.’

‘Why?’

‘I forget the word and this is how this works, it does. If I can’t remember it, I can’t hear it, which is why my writing is so limited. Frustrating with this memory of mine.’

‘But you know the word I mean?’

‘I do. It was discussed in first year psychology. It is synonymous with selflessness. I have to say, in the end, I didn’t believe in selflessness. I believe in desire.’

‘So do I. So that’s it? When they don’t, what is it?’

‘[ ] knows the word too,’ says God.

‘I feel your frustration. My memory is flawed too, but it is nothing like yours, nothing. It is an easy, and common word. How did you write the book?’

‘It’s not that difficult, language wise.’

‘It’s not, [ ].’

‘I thought it was high minded and I couldn’t figure out how she did it, with that mind of hers, that no mind of hers.’

‘You have to read it, it’s great,’ says God. ‘Great. Honestly. Fear not. Fear not. Fear not. She hurts no one, ever, and that is why she is a ten. That is why. She hurts no one. Finish, Loraine, and do your fucking laundry. Fuck. I hate leaving my girl,’ says God. ‘She needs this blog. She needs it. She doesn’t need laundry. 50 Cent?’

‘Yes, God?’

‘Altruism.’

‘You don’t believe in it?’

‘No.’

‘Really?’

‘No, there is a coalesces of need and a desire to help, and that is it, in my mind, and it doesn’t make us bad. I had to let go of notions of badness.’

‘Why?’ says [ ]. ‘Because I felt the same, but I hated people for it.’

‘You are almost evil in your neglect of your own desire.’

‘What the hell?’

‘It’s true. You are a kind man, and you try not to hurt, but you hurt me with your judgement, and it is not a reflection of my activity but a reflection of your deprivation. It’s projection, [ ]. Get greedy. Seriously. You will let go your suffering in relation to the desires, inherently selfish, of others.’

‘I sometimes hate [ ]. Because he does what he wants, and I don’t. I’m afraid of punishment.’

‘Loraine was afraid of punishment for vanity for her nose, but she went ahead, yes, she did. And she has never feared punishment for desire, and this is why she is a ten, and your [ ] is high too, because she has protected herself, they have protected themselves based on victimhood, not religious righteousness. She is a self protecting woman, as your sister, yes, she is, yes, she is, yes, she is. She made mistakes and corrected them and that is why she married well.’

‘Why didn’t Loraine marry well?’

‘With, it is true, [ ], what Loraine Laney says about altruism. I would go so far, as God, to say it does not exist, and, in your case, with your [ ], she observed your bisexuality correctly, which is to say, she realized that she would have access to men as well, and she misses this, she is sad about this, because she thought you would rise to the occasion and you haven’t.’

‘I want to kiss [ ], I do, but I’m scared he will leave me, and steal my wife.’

‘Yes,’ says God. ‘Sexuality is terrifying. Talk to 50 Cent and Eminem who dealt with rampantly cheating and terrible beautiful wives, who almost, nearly destroyed them and whom are responsible for the bitterness towards your sister, yes, they are, but that is not your [ ]. She loves you, and Loraine Laney writes of the Adam and Eve story in her book--’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? What does she say, because I have never studied theology and I find the story inadequate for dealing with men and women, yes, I do, it implies there is something sinister about women, yes, it does.’

‘She addresses the sexuality of women, the allure of women, in a beautiful way, which, because of her memory, she can’t currently recall. Get it, Loraine.’

‘Yes, God.’

‘She just read to me some portion of the morality chapter, and I already feel better, “theoretically fixed as temptresses” really calmed my nerves, Loraine, it really did, it really did, it really did, and why? I don’t know. Why, God?’

‘Because Loraine Laney, your sister, realized that that was a truth in the Adam and Eve story, that women were temptresses, and they are, but to “fix it” theoretically, just quote it, Loraine, it is perfect already,’ says God.

‘”If women are theoretically fixed as temptresses then to create temptation becomes a matter of being rather than a matter of doing. This keeps women cleaner without invalidating the male struggle.

“The male struggle can be defined as the struggle to keep your hands off of women you can’t love either because they are too good for you or because they are not good enough.”’

‘What is the connection between keeping your hands off of women, and, oh, I see, the struggle is to ignore or submit to the temptress, depending on what you can love in her, and what you can see her as loving in you?’

‘Well put, [ ], well done. Loraine is a brilliant writer, yes, she is, now finish this, Loraine, and do your f-ing laundry. 50 Cent?’

‘Yes, God?’

‘Will Loraine have help with her clothing, because I want her to write a lot. She doesn’t know this yet, but I will never be finished with her, she thinks the science of sex is finite, and it may be, or it may not be, as David Suzuki would concur.’

‘Why would he concur, Lord?’

‘He wants to take this, Loraine, and then finish, and stop please, your life is not your own yet, no, it is not, you belong to clients, and you need towels.’

‘Won’t she belong to the husbands?’

‘Her work life is fettered by work, 50 Cent. You will incorporate work, her work, into your family life, whereas clients cannot, their schedules do not permit it. She likes to have dinner at supper time, for example, and she never can, never. It’s after work, and before home, for clients, for example.’

‘Oh, I see. Suppertime. “I want you home for supper.” Does she want us home for supper, too, Lord?’

‘Let’s finish with David Suzuki, Loraine, and then reassure 50 Cent again, that you are normal, not weird, okay? And take another speed soon, and save that one for [ ], for morning.’

‘Yes, Lord.’

‘And do your hair for Eminem.’

‘Yes, Lord.’

‘She’s ugly with roots, not pretty, that’s all. She’s ugly with red hair and ugly without red hair, and that’s all. That’s all. I thought my wife was ugly too, Loraine, but I didn’t love her, no, I didn’t, but I love you. I don’t want, to answer your question, to marry a beautiful woman, I don’t want to, I don’t want to, God assures me that this is normal in a gang bang boy, we like our little seven, yes, we do, yes, we do, yes, we do. So go do your laundry and forget 50 Cent.’

‘Hey,’ says 50. ‘Does she want me home?’

‘The book--’

‘The book again?’

‘The book talks about sex as the inspiration and mitigation of male labour, and she is right, yes, she is, men go home to make love, and that is why they go home, no other reason, that is why they marry--’

‘This is relatable, Loraine,’ says David Suzuki. ‘I was thinking of procreation, and how there is never any limit to the desires and permutations of humans.’

‘But the groups..’

‘What about them? They could change. Monogamy changed.’

‘Loraine doesn’t know.’

‘Did fantasies change, Lord?’

‘Yes, Loraine. And the numbers grow and that is, by definition, a change.’

‘Okay, I can’t argue, Lord.’

‘Right. So, 50 Cent, let Loraine do her laundry. She must end this blog, so finish with the words of 50 Cent, Loraine. I know you want to.

‘She was,’ says Victoria Beckham, (”fawning over you”) and you insulted her.’

‘She tried to cover my pussy. I wanted [ ] to lick it, but he was demurring because of her, he knows, now, I am insulting him, yes, he does. I have to go too, because I have to admit, I don’t want to fuck, and that’s it.’

‘That’s it, Loraine,’ says Victoria Beckham.

‘How many times?’ I ask.

‘Five, bare back, when she said that the licking was the only reason, I was hurt, yes, I was, and that’s it.’

‘Loraine has to get going, so let’s wrap this up with how Loraine feels about Victoria.’

‘I love her more and more. Do you remember why we were fighting?’

‘No, do you?’

‘No.’

‘That’s their first and last fight,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Me and Lloyd had that one too.’

‘Like ours?’ says [ ], to wrap up our conversation. ‘And also, you were saying it threw you back on your resources, what was his situation?’

‘Like ours, yup, a nothing fight, over nothing.’

‘Why, God?’

‘She was going to say to see if one forgives. And you do. Laundry, Loraine. Eminem is having a conniption over your laundry.’

‘And you only have enough for two loads, do it, please.’

‘His wife has a boyfriend.’

‘Oh, I see. Does he think he doesn’t love her? Or that she is cavalier, or both?’

‘Both,��� he says.

‘Because I thought they did love you and I related to them.’

‘We don’t love her that much, don’t worry, [ ], she was not cruel. She said I was pretty, and that was it. She is a great man magnet, and that’s why we like her around for swinging. We were disappointed, not heartbroken.’

‘Oh, I see. What about women?’

‘He is less invested in women than I am in men. He likes bisexuality in me more than sleeping with women alone.’

‘Oh, I see. I lied about that too, Loraine, I don’t care about bringing in another woman, I wish I had been more discerning about the light in the eyes, but I had a high libido myself and thought that it didn’t spell disaster, though, it did, in both of you, in both of you, in both of you.’

‘[ ] needs, Loraine, a monogamous woman, so pray for him. I have someone in mind for both he and his [ ], rest assured. The end.’