#why am crying right now because nothing sounds worth eating rn

[milo-is-rambling]

Frustration crying top ten most annoying feelings in the world

[itsallyscorner]

I'm loving your little mix works so much I wanted to request something if you're not too busy idk if you've seen the interview where perrie says that alex went to rehearsals with her because she couldn't get choreographies right and he would help her well what if tom did the same for reader??? and Jesy is soft for them but she won't admit it

Hi lovey! Thank you so much for the request! I added a little twist to it, but it’s still the same concept you wanted. AND YES, JESY LOVES THEM TOGETHER SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT. I hope you like it, happy reading!💜✨

💌.

Patience

I hope you enjoy this! I honestly had so much fun rewatching Break Up Song over and over again to get the little dance they do in the chorus, it’s stuck in my head lol. That’s basically the dance the reader is trying to do, if you want to see the dance it’s somewhere towards the end of the Break Up Song video!

You watched the video your choreographer sent to you and the girls. You watched it over and over again, taking a moment to study the moves before getting up from the bed and doing them yourself. The video was a little dance Kayleigh, your choreographer, created for the Break Up Song music video. Since the pandemic was still in full affect and everyone was still on lockdown, shooting a music video at a studio was an absolute no go. As much as it sadden you and the girls that you couldn’t film your original vision for the video, your health and the crew’s health meant the most to all of you at the moment. Instead of not filming a music video at all, you and the girls have decided that it would be fun to shoot the video on your own at your own homes.

Which brings you to today. You were in your room, that you shared with Tom, trying to learn the choreography. Honestly, it wasn’t that hard of a dance, it was quite simple. The video Kayleigh sent you all was probably less than a minute. The dance was supposed to be done during the chorus, the rest of the song would be freestyle or clips of you all doing some nonsense for fun.

Your brows furrowed together, eyes glaring at your phone screen while you tried to figure out how to sway your arms and circle them to make them cross. Like Perrie, it took you a while to learn choreography. Unlike the other three, you and Perrie took extra time studying the dancers and had extra sessions at the studio to get the choreography down. Though it was sometimes frustrating, the end result was always worth it.

You cursed to yourself as the video ended for the twentieth time. You tried repeating the steps, watching yourself in the mirror, but it just wasn’t coming out right. You felt your body growing hot as you became upset at yourself for not understanding a few simple steps. You thought learning through a video would be easier, but no, it’s more difficult for you. There was no guidance from Kayleigh, she wasn’t there to tell you what you were doing wrong or what you were doing right. You just felt lost and confused.

Groaning, you snatch your phone from the table and throw yourself onto your bed. You take Tom’s pillow, hugging it as you lay on your stomach. You shove your face into his pillow, the smell of him with a mix of his shampoo bringing you some kind of solace from your frustration.

(Y/n)🌺: Girls, do we really need to have a dance in the video?

Perrie🦋: Yeah I agree. Do we REALLY need one?

Jesy💖: Don’t tell me you guys can’t get that?

Do you not get it?

Leigh-Anne😻: Huns, it’s like learning a TikTok dance

Jade💜: It’s so easy! Girls, it’s like 30 secs of the video. We always have a dance choreo in our videos!

(Y/n)🌺: But we’re bad at dancing🥺

Perrie🦋: You all know how hard it is for me and (y/n) to pick up choreography:(

Jesy💖: (y/n), isn’t Tom a dancer?

(Y/n)🌺: He used to do ballet and he was in Billy Elliot, he won’t shut up about it.

Why?

Jesy💖: Ask twinkle toes to help you, he might be able to teach you.

If he can teach you how to spoil things, he can teach you how to dance👌🏽

Jade💜: ^^^ she’s got a point

Leigh-Anne😻: Omg Tom did ballet?

Jesy💖: Lmao what a loser

(Y/n)🌺: That’s actually a good idea, I’ll go bother him rn:))

Perrie🦋: Right I’m glad (y/n) has a way to learn the dance but what about me? I live with a football player🙁

Turning your phone off, you hop out of bed and skip your way out of the bedroom. You walk around the house looking for Tom, but instead bump into Harrison and Tuwaine.

“Boys, where’s Thomas?” You ask them, stealing one of the chips Harrison was eating. With a playful glare, he softly smacks your hand. You cheekily grin at him as you eat the chip.

“He’s outside with Harry, they’re cleaning the patio.” Tuwaine answers. Harrison snorts, “And doing a shit job at it.” You quickly thank them and pull on the glass sliding doors to get to the backyard. You see Harry with one of those power hoses spraying dirt off the concrete as Tom stood to the side filming him. You wait for him to end his video before coming up behind him and wrapping your arms around his torso.

“I thought you were supposed to be cleaning with Harry?” You ask him, earning Harry’s attention.

“You know what (y/n), that’s exactly what I said!” Harry answered sarcasticly, spraying the hose dangerously close to Tom’s feet. Your boyfriend yelps, turning around to scoop you in his arms and move you both away from Harry and the hose.

“You dick!” He hissed at his brother. Harry chuckles satisfied at riling up his brother. He turns around and returns to his task at hand.

Tom puts you down on your feet though his hands remain at your hips. You look up at him, admiring the way his eyes and hair give off a sweet honey color in the sun.

“What’s up bub? Have you got the dance down yet?” He asks, thumbs rubbing circles onto your hips. Your face contorts together, nose scrunched up in irritation at the mention of the dance. Tom notices your change in expression and pouts at you.

“I’m gonna take that as a no?” You sigh, leaning into his chest and rest your head on his shoulder. Picking up on your exasperation, he pulls you in closer and places his palm on your back rubbing soothing circles onto it.

“I don’t know why I can’t just get it. It’s so bloody simple and I just can’t do it. Why am I like this?” You ramble, beating your head against his shoulder with every word. Tom makes a sound of disagreement as he gently pulls you away from his shoulder.

Before he can speak he presses multiple kisses onto your forehead making you giggle, “There’s nothing wrong with you, darling. It just takes you a little bit longer to properly learn choreography, there’s nothing wrong with that! You’re an excellent dancer in my eyes.”

You fondly roll your eyes at him, always one for the sweet talk, “You’re only saying that because you’re my boyfriend.”

“No, I’ve seen you dance before (y/n), you’re actually good.” His eyes quickly rake over your body, “But as your boyfriend, I think you look extremely hot when you dance. Especially in those little costumes you wear during tour.”

You wrap your arms around his neck, placing a light kiss on his lips. “Hmmm, ok. Well, then as my boyfriend, will you help me learn the dance?” You try to soften him up with some puppy eyes and a smile that made the corner of your lips squish up to your cheeks.

Without any hesitation, he agrees, not thinking of how difficult it would be to actually teach you the dance.

~⏰~

Hours pass and Tom was slowly losing his shit. He loves you, absolutely adores you, like nothing in the world will ever make him stop loving you. But trying to teach you simple choreography was making him loose his mind.

Tom stares blankly at the floor, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. You stood a few feet away from him, cringing to yourself as you watched your boyfriend regain his patience with you.

“I love you.” You squeaked out sinking into your shoulders. Tom sighs and takes his head out his hands to look at you tiredly. He drags himself off the bed and stands in front of you. He cups your face in his hand, squishing it gently and playfully growls at you.

“Darling, I love you too.” He affirms with a fond smile. He lets out a breath before resting his forehead onto yours, “I just—why can’t you get it? I don’t understand.”

You pout at him and huff, “It’s not that easy, it’s really hard!” You and him had been practicing for a while now. For the first few minutes, Tom watched the video a number of times until he finally got the steps memorized. Then he took an hour of breaking down each step for you while you stood beside him repeating his moves. When he asked you to do it all together, all the steps you’ve rehearsed went out the window. Which lead to Tom breaking down the steps for you once again and so on.

“Baby, I did everything I can. I’ve done it really slow and explained each step to you.” He reasoned. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“But it’s hard Tommy!” You defended yourself, almost on the verge of crying because you still couldn’t comprehend the steps. Though you were probably overreacting, your whole day had been full of frustration; you were tired and mad at yourself for not understanding something so simple and now it was all coming together to make you explode.

“(Y/n), it’s like only ten to nine steps, you could do it.” Tom tried to encourage you. You groaned and pull yourself away from him. You plop yourself down to the bed, face smushed right into the pillows.

“I’m hopeless.” You said into the pillow, though it might have came out muffled for Tom. Tom frowned at your figure on the bed. He was upset at two things. One, he hated seeing you so frustrated with yourself. He just wanted to wrap you up in hugs and tell you that he was proud of you for trying your best. Two, he was mad at himself for kind of loosing his temper with you. You asked him for help and he did do that but he could have been a bit more patient. He knew you weren’t that good with rehearsing choreography so he should have expected the process to take a little bit slower.

“(Y/n), it’s swing, swing, round, swing, what’s so hard to understand?” Tom swung his arms like how Kayleigh did in the video, though his motions were quite harsh and sharp.

“I don’t know! I can’t swing my arms properly.” You complained, repeating his steps, your arms moving loosely.

“It’s just swinging your arms! There’s nothing hard about swinging your arms!” He exploded, throwing his arms in the air. An almost crazed look was in his eyes as he gripped onto the roots of his hair. Squeezing his eyes shut he took a breath in, “I need a break.”

Guilt filled him as he heard a sniff come from the pillow. Tom was immediately by your side trying to get you to look at him. “Darling, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.”

He sees you move your face so he can hear you properly, “No, it’s okay, you were just expressing how you feel. It’s my fault I can’t comprehend simple choreograph.”

Tom sighs, shifting so he’s laying against you, head resting on the same pillow as yours while he waits for you to look at him again. One hand supports his head and the other rubs circles onto your back. He feels you relax under his touch making him pull you closer because he felt like you needed the comfort. You were trying your best, he knew you were. In fact, he even saw you getting some of the steps correct, you just instantly doubted yourself.

“No, I should’ve remembered that it takes a few times for you to memorize choreography. I should’ve been more patient.” He began. “And you came to me for help and I did nothing but make you even more upset, I’m sorry.” He apologized. Your head rises from the pillow, Tom softly chuckles at the strands of hair that covered your face.

“Don’t say that, you did a great job at helping me, I’m just—stupid.” You shrug nonchalantly. Tom rolls his eyes, brushing the strands of hair that covered your face behind your ear. “Now that’s stupid, you’re one of the smartest girls I know.”

You snort shoving his hand away from you, “You said I was an excellent dancer and look at where that got us.”

“You are an excellent dancer, love. You just doubt yourself.” He gets up from the bed and holds his hand out for you. “Let’s try again?”

You glance at him then at his hand before finally giving in. You grasp his hand, using it as leverage to help yourself off the bed. Tom smiles proudly at you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, “That’s my girl.”

~⏰~

Since standing beside each other was not doing the trick, Tom decided that he would try standing behind you. With your back against his chest, he outstretched his hands to hold onto your arms and guide them.

“Right, so we’re swinging this way, that way, then we go around and swing again.” Tom explained as he puppets your arms in those directions. You stare at yourself in the mirror and repeat Tom’s words to yourself. Tom glances at you from your shoulder, where his chin rested, seeing the gears shifting in your brain.

“Ok, we swing twice, then go around once, and swing again.”

Tom hums at you in response, “Yeah, you’ve got that part down.” He takes your left arm and brings it to your right shoulder, then your right arm to your left shoulder.

“After the swing we go chest, chest, so that it makes an x.” Tom continues to explain. You nod along, making mental notes to yourself. Suddenly, you jump, taking Tom by surprise.

“What happened?”

“I know the next move!” You beamed, shaking your arms from his grip and forming a heart with them. “After the X, we make a heart, and then it’s that shimmy thing.”

The grin on Tom’s face made the corners of his eyes crinkle and made his pearly whites twinkle at you, “Yeah, that’s right! Can you show me the stuff we’ve rehearsed so far?”

You purse your lips at yourself in the mirror, going over the mental notes you took in your head. The opening steps involved a little skipping in place while you punched the air three times; two punches on the left and one on the right. Then that would lead into the swinging, then the chests that make an X, the heart and shimmy.

“You remember darling, don’t doubt yourself.” He motivates you.

You jump around your spot and shake your limbs out, “Alright, I think I’m good.”

“Go for it, love.” Tom nods at you as he stands to the side with his hands on his hips, almost like a dance instructor or some teacher.

“I’m gonna sing the lyrics out, it helps.” You comment. Tom waves you off, “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

“So it’s—so tonight I’ll sing another,” You skip and do the punches.

“Another break up song,” You transition into the arm’s choreography, swinging them and going around once. You jump so your legs are together and do the X with your arms over you chest. You make the heart and do the shimmies, squealing excitedly when you finally get all the steps done correctly.

“I DID IT!” You happily yell jumping into Tom’s arms. He catches you right on time with just as much cheerfulness as you.

“I KNOW, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” He cheers making you both jump in celebration. You hug him tightly, continuously thanking him. Without Tom, you probably would’ve never learned the dance properly and would have given up the moment you felt like it. But thankfully, you had a loving boyfriend who never gave up on you. No matter how much you drove him mad.

“Seriously Tom, thank you for helping me. You didn’t have to, but I really appreciate it.” You tell him once he places you back on the ground.

“It’s no trouble, especially for you, I’d do anything for you.” He grins pecking your lips. You hum against his soft lips pulling him back in to meet yours again.

“Let’s just hope I can still remember this till tomorrow.” 

Tom chuckles against your lips, “Darling we aren’t even done yet, that was just the first bit.” You pull away from him, mouth agape, “Wait there’s more?”

[bizarre-alien]

Saturday Morning

I made a short Erasermic fic on Saturday, and I just wanted to post this here because why not! It takes place when they were in their 20s, and Shota is gonna do something bold after a night of clubbing with Hizashi which, apparently, didn't turn out so well!

Saturday mornings were hard sometimes. Waking up hungover while my brain tries to recollect memories of last night only makes me numb with this dull melancholic ache in my chest. I stretched out my limbs across my bed to find that I was all alone. “Shocker.” I thought to myself sarcastically. I slowly turned my body over to get my phone that was on my nightstand. To my surprise, it was hooked up and charged. “No, I was too drunk to do something this responsible.” I mumbled as I unplugged it. There were some unread messages from Yamada, and it brought this warm feeling inside that my heart seemed to crave.

“Last night was WILD! Please text me when you wake up. I need to know you lived! 😭”

“I did lay you on your side with a bucket, pukey! 🤣”

“OMG ARE YOU ALIVE?? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND!”

“I should’ve just crashed on your couch instead of taking the cab back to my place… Could’ve saved myself from stress and money… LMAOOO”

“SHOOOOOOTAAAAAAAA”

I couldn’t help but to laugh at his sweet attentiveness. He never failed to put a smile on my face even if he wasn’t around. I took a selfie and sent it to him. “I lived, bitch. 😤”

I felt my stomach shock from anticipation as I saw the ellipsis pop up. “YOU LOOK GOOD FOR A DEAD BITCH!!” The ellipsis came up again. “Also, you looked cuter than me in the shirt I let you wear. If you wanna keep it, you deserve it! I have your shirt, and it’s nice and clean! I think I’ll wear it today!”

I couldn’t help but to blush at his remark. “It’s mine now. I’ll take good care of it.” I looked down to see which shirt it was, and I gasped. It was an exclusive shirt from one of his favorite bands that he got at a live show. The exact one that he said he wanted to be buried in. “WAIT ARE YOU SURE BC I JUST SAW WHICH ONE IT WAS”

“It’s okay!! I’d rather see you wear it instead. 💖”

“... That’s very sweet…”

“How do I look? I’m going for that Shota Aizawa look. Don’t mind my lack of pants, please. 🥰🤣” His selfie nearly made me drown in affection. He looks so good in my shirt… And his legs...

“*Chef’s kiss* You rn…” Were we flirting, right now?? No. He has someone, right? “Wait… Are you flirting with me to make your so jealous? What did he do wrong, now? 🥴” The ellipsis came up, but went away… Then again… Then nothing. I began to worry. “Zashi, I’m playing. You know that, right?” The other end was radio silent, and I felt anxiety surge through me. Was it a sore topic and I didn’t know? Did I just ruin our friendship? I mean, how would that screw everything up? After all we’ve been through for the past 7 years, that couldn’t have been the final straw… right? I was pulled from my overthinking by my phone vibrating. It was Zashi calling, and I picked it up immediately. “Was that a bad thing to say? Because I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt-!”

“It’s okay, Sho!” He chuckled reassuringly to me, but I could hear the pain in his voice. “I forgot that you black out when you’re drunk… No, me and him are done. You broke his nose when I came to you crying about it. We had to leave the club because of all the drama, but no one knew who we were… Thank God, right?”

“Yeah…” I was silent for a moment as I tried to remember what happened.

“Sho! We’re leaving. Come on!” Hizashi roared as he made his way to me.

“Hold, hold, hold. What happened?” I stopped him in his tracks and grabbed his arms. “Zashi, are you okay? Where’s-?”

“Who cares? I hate him! Let’s go!”

“But you left me to blow him in the bathroom! What do you mean you hate him, now-?”

“I wish I didn’t, and I’m so sorry! He’s a monster in disguise, but I was too stupid to notice AGAIN!!” Zashi burst into tears as he held onto me tightly. We stumbled a bit, but I held him back with all I had. I feared that this was gonna happen.

“I knew there was a reason why I couldn’t stand him.”

“Baby, you got it all wrong! I love you, Hizashi! I wanna marry you!” I heard the voice of Zashi’s former lover, and the alcohol in me decided to take control of my body.

“You take another step, and you’ll regret it! Don’t think I won’t have you on the ground, you piece of garbage!”

“Sho, let’s just get out of here! I gotta go!” Hizashi pushed me towards the exit. “It’s not worth it!”

“Hizashi!” The moment he grabbed Hizashi’s arm, I went feral.

I dug my nails into his wrist to get him to let go of my best friend. “Piss off!” I roared as I got Hizashi behind me. Before I could register anything, I felt my right fist connect with his nose hard enough that it sent a shock up to my shoulder. “I knew you were trash the moment I laid eyes on you! You don’t deserve Zashi!” I wanted to go for more, but I felt a multitude of hands grasp at me and pull me towards the exit. I managed to spit on Zashi’s ex before we were escorted out of the club.

“Oh my God, Shota! That was intense!” Hizashi grabbed my shoulders and shook me. His makeup was smeared from his tears, but it made him look like an ethereal being. “You good?”

“Mmh.”

“I can’t believe you did that for me! You’re so sweet! Oh my gosh, like you- Oh, God!” He backed up as he looked at me again. “Alleyway. Alleyway!” He guided us to the alleyway and held my hair the moment I let everything out. “Oh, God. It’s on your shirt. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” When I spat out the remains, he gently took off my soiled shirt. “You are so lucky that I have on something sexy underneath this tee! I guess this may be a sign to dress sexy for myself instead of waiting for someone to see it in private, huh?” He pulled off his band tee and handed it to me with a smile. He had on a fishnet long sleeve bodysuit with nipple coverings, and he looked like the biggest rockstar in that moment… but, that was my best friend… My best friend is the biggest rockstar and he’s holding my gross shirt.

“You’re so freaking nice, Zashi!” I began to tear up as I put on the shirt. “I’m so sorry!”

“I should be sorry! I didn’t listen to you. I just listened to his dick!” We laughed like a couple of hyenas as we took our drunken selves to our favorite place to eat when we drank our weight in booze.

“Zashi." I sighed and shook my head. "I’m so sorry."

“Thanks. It hurts, you know? He wasn’t who I thought he was. I guess… I don’t know how to pick ‘em, huh?” He tried to laugh, but he went quiet.

Never in my life did I want to reach out to him through the phone and hug him as much as I do now, but all I could do was hug him with my words. “You have a big heart and a warm presence that deserves to be honored and cherished, and he just didn’t get it. If I had the chance, I’d punch him again. You deserve so much better, and you will get that.”

“When, Shota?” There was a pause.

“When the time and place is right.” I wanted to say right now and with me, but I chickened out. “That person will love you and nurture your heart, and that person will be the most lucky human in all existence and memory.”

“I wish it were-” He paused and sighed. “I wish it happened now.”

I felt my heart jump and my mind started to race. Did he want me? Should I risk it all? Were we both too afraid of screwing up our friendship? “Hizashi…”

“Hey, do you mind if we meet up somewhere? Your place, my place, a restaurant… Anywhere, honestly! I just need to see you. Sorry if that sounds clingy. I just-”

“Of course! I would love to meet up. You’re going through a tough situation, and I’m more than happy to be there for you.” I smiled. “You can come over to my place and we can decide if we wanna go out or not.”

“That sounds good. I’ll get coffee on the way, okay? I know you need it.” He chuckled.

“You’re the best.” I sighed in relief. “I think coffee would solve a lot of problems, right now.”

“Hey, Shota?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to know how much I value our friendship. We had rocky moments, but there isn’t a day that I’m not grateful that we smoothed things out. I can freely be myself around you, and that’s really rare nowadays because all these fakes are roaming the streets.”

“It doesn’t help that you’re well known, huh?” I joked.

“Exactly! You keep me from losing my mind… You inspire me, you encourage me, and I know I can be vulnerable with you and you wouldn't judge me for it! I just really love- Ugh... No, I should stop. I’m getting sappy.” He burst into laughter.

“Funny enough, I needed to hear that.” I blushed and rubbed that back of my neck. “Hizashi, I actually wanna talk to you about something when you get here. It’s important to me, so that’s why I wanna wait.”

“Oh, for real? I’m not in trouble, am I?”

He was so cute. “No, not at all!” I snorted.

“Good! Give me a few minutes, okay? I’ll be there in a bit.”

“In Hizashi minutes, right? I'm guessing that it'll be an hour before you get here.”

“Shut up, man! I can’t help the fact that I’m a high maintenance scatterbrain!” He whined on the other line.

“Whatever. Just get here when you get here. You know where the spare key is, so I’m gonna take a shower and clean up the place a bit.”

“Sounds good!”

“Okay, cool. See you then.”

“See you!” He sang then hung up.

I looked at my phone with a whirlwind of emotions. The comfort of his voice still in my heart, but it wrestled with the anxiety that I felt in my chest as I knew what I set myself up for. The timing seems wrong, but I was so caught up that I could care less. What if he hates me for even confessing now? Yet again, it seemed that he was dying for me to confess… I just know that this is the last Saturday morning I wanted to spend hungover by myself. I wanted to wake up to messy blond hair in my mouth, limbs entangled, and the sweet smell of his natural scent mixed with the ghost of his perfume of choice from the night before.

The feeling was so strong that I clutched my pillow for dear life, and I couldn’t tell what kind of tears were falling from my eyes. All I could do is lay there and imagine what could possibly become a reality while also fear that I could make this imagery impossible if I said the wrong things. Funny enough, this hurricane of emotion is something that I’m just observing. Somewhere deep in my core, I felt a sense of relief and peace. And it was that very peace that gave me the strength to get up and get ready for a life changing discussion with my best friend.

Thank you! Bye!

[futurewriter2000]

I have a question for you but you dont have to answer it if you dont want to. I want to reset my life and myself. I dont know if I can explain it perfectly but I want to improve my life quality both emotionally and productively. Do you have any recommendations on how to do that?

Oh, honey. There isn’t a reset button but you know what there is? There’s you. There’s your will, you determination, your strength, your love and there’s me to stand by you through all of that. 

I don’t mind answering. I care about you because if you wrote to me out of billions of blogs on here, than that means that you trust me enough. Even if it is anonymous. 

The fact that you want to improve your life in certain areas, is such a huge step to take. I’m proud of you already. 

I know this is going to sound weird but I say that you should listen to your heart and intuition. Stop holding your emotions in, stop trying to please people, stop pretending to be somebody you’re not. I know it’s easier said then done but it’s a process, such a slow process might I add. Here are some things that helped me change my life for the better. 

Positive thinking. This is the worst thing people want to hear. I know. It sucks ass to think positively but I promise you, once you start, once you start forcing yourself to look on the bright side, you’ll start doing it as a good habit. Positive thinking manifests into reality. That’s what 11:11 means for anybody, who follows numerology. This was actually my first step I took on my self-improving journey. Last January 2020 I was so done with life and I saw the numbers 11 everywhere and when I was crying my eyeballs out I saw 01.01 am in the morning and I was so annoyed by it that I googled it with teary eyes and it told me that seeing 1′s is a way of Universe, telling you to stop thinking negatively about everything and start thinking positively because it manifests in your reality. You know everybody likes to be around a positive person. Positivity is attractive af. The more positive you are, more positive people you will attract and inspire. What you give to the universe, the universe will give it back twice as much. So be careful of your own thoughts. 

Work on yourself. Just push everything away. Just the fact to think positively is working on yourself and whenever somebody tries to put you down, rise above it. Always, ALWAYS, look on the bright side, even if you may feel there isn’t one. If you had a shitty day and that everything seemed to go to waste, just think of what you had learned or plan for tomorrow because tomorrow is a new day. Plan, make goals, do a to do list for your life, look for your passion, explore, read,... do what makes you happy man. Write it down, just stay away from moping in your bed (and I’m not saying to not mope or to force yourself to be happy, no. If you feel sad and if you want to mope in your bed, take a day to feel that but don’t stay there forever. Don’t do that for days or weeks.) 

Work on your fears. I believe fear is an illusion. It’s something that exists in our minds and we don’t really know why but I think the biggest fear that there is is what other people think about us and just... dude... just push those thoughts away. Stop overthinking, stop letting anxiety take over because anxiety is bullshit. It’s complete bullshit. It’s not even real. It’s just your thoughts and fears and overthinking. Just tell yourself the opposite. If your anxiety says “They probably think I’m weird.” you say back “Yeah, so what? What will they do? Kill me? Tell other people? Let them tell other people, what will those other people do? Nothing. It’s none of my business. I’m weird and unique and fuck it. I don’t have time to think about this.” I literally always say “So what if they think that? What will they do about it? Nothing. It happened, so fuck it.” 

I think if you work on yourself internally, you will positively start to realise changes on your other areas of your life. I think that people are so focused on their material world (such as job, future, life) that they completely neglect their spiritual world. Your soul needs peace, my man. It needs to be calmed down for a while. I know I probably sound like a hippie rn but it’s so true. Once I started working on my thinking, my emotions, my perspective on things... I just started noticing changes in my life. Such as: when I started thinking positively, a month later I believed in myself enough to be able to raise my grades and learn to treat my hair and skin. The moment I started to see changes on my grades and my hair and my skin, I wanted to work on my body and finish school once and for all. Once I started to see results from my workouts and healthy eating and that I was actually finishing school, I started to see people that were standing in my way and preventing them, so I let them go. Once I let them go (and boy did it hurt like a motherfucker) I started to realise who I am by myself, without any influences of who I should be and once I realised who I am, I also realised how toxic those people in my life were but I knew it man. In my gut I knew it that cutting some people out of my life was the right decisions because my soul got so lighter. It got so fucking light it made me breathe again. It was lonely at first because I didn’t know who I was without them but then I started to get my strength from that loneliness and I realised how many fucking things I can do by myself. Without asking people to do it for me or how to do it. I just did it and I’m ot afraid to do things on my own anymore. I actually prefer doing it on my own. Once I did that, in August I started to love my body, in September I finished school, in October I was accepted to the faculty but dropped out because it wasn’t my dream faculty and I didn’t want to go in the first place. In October I was finally happy and being my most self, I started reading again, drawing, painting, writing, going for long walks, connecting to my roots. I was myself again and it felt so liberating. I decided to take a gap year, create goals for the next year, plan things, organise myself a bit. In November I got a job and finally moved on from the past hurt and trauma. In December I met new people and was happiest I had ever been in so long and right now it’s going to be a year since that 01.01 moment that I looked on the clock and decided to think positively. 

It’s a slow process. There isn’t a reset button and trust me that it’s better that way because once you see the process you made, it makes you so proud and so motivated to keep going. I know it’s hard and long but it’s worth it and you’ll keep seeing signs and inspirations to keep going every day. Just don’t give up. 

I’ll be here if you need anything. I hope this helped and keep me updated. 

All the love <3

[writemywaytoyourheart]

BTS Reaction: You Have An Asthma Attack | Maknae Line

Requested: yes! @sweetbtsboys I hope you like this! Sorry it took literally so long.

Genre: fluff

Warnings: none :)

Hyung line coming soon <3

PARK JIMIN:

You stand there in shock as confusion and dread washes through you. You have no idea what to do and all you can focus on is the back of your best friend, the only boy you've ever loved, as he walks away from you dejectedly.

He just took you by complete surprise by confessing to you. You never thought he'd feel that way about you, so you've always pushed your feelings down again and again for years.

"Y/n...I think I'm in love with you. No, no I am in love with you."

"I- what?"

"I mean-...yeah." 

He wrings his hands anxiously awaiting your answer, while your head is spinning as you try to find the right words to accept his confession. After a minute of silence Jimin sighs and hangs his head, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm such an idiot, gosh I'm so stupid." You look up in shock and shake your head, the words still stuck in your throat. But, Jimin doesn't see your panicked expression as he's staring at the ground in embarrassment.

Then to your horror; Jimin sucks in a shaky breath and moves to turn away. "I'm really sorry, y/n. I shouldn't have said it. I ruined everything didn't I? Just- just pretend this didn't happen...please." Jimin turns away before you can grab him. Why won't the words you want to speak come out? Why can't you call to him and tell him to wait? Tell him you feel the same and have for years.

When the shock finally wears off and your head clears, you shake your it and blink. Then, you see Jimin disappear behind a corner.

No.

No no no.

You spring into action and run after him as fast as you can.

"Jimin! Jimin wait!" You call out to him, but he doesn't hear you. You turn the corner and see a bunch of people walking here and there as you scan the crowd in a panic.

You start to push through people carefully, when you see the back of his brown head going further away as he walks at a brisk pace.

The crowd finally breaks and you sprint for all your worth, not giving your asthma a second thought.

How is he so fast?

You think desperately as you run, your lungs already starting to ache and burn. Then it hits you like a wave; there's a horrible pinching in your chest and you gasp for air, but you can't stop running. You won't.

"Jimin! Park Jimin, stop!" You holler with the last of your breath. He stops suddenly and turns at the sound of your urgent voice.

"Y/n?" He looks at you in confusion, then he hurries toward you when he sees the state you're in. He takes your hands and helps you to a bench.

"Oh my gosh, y/n are you okay? Why were you running?" You mime to him that you can't breathe and he nods, rubbing your back gently.

"You're having an attack, aren't you?" You nod and he bites his lip in worry. "Do you have your inhaler?" He feels guilty that you rn to catch up with him, and panic as he sees you struggling to get a breath in. You shake your head and his heart drops, then he pulls himself together and takes your hands gently.

"Ok then. Just breathe with me, alright?" At your nod of confirmation, he starts to take slow deep breaths, counting and blowing out again and again. Eventually you're able to keep pace with him as you two look at each other and breathe deeply. After a couple minutes you can breathe, but you're still wheezing a bit.

"Are you okay, y/n?"

"You're an idiot, Park Jimin." You choke out and he looks down at the ground.

"I know. I'm sorry, I ruined ev-"

"No. You're an idiot to think I don't feel the same about you."

Jimin's eyes nearly pop out of his head and you try to bite back a smile. "W-what? I don't- you don't-... You don't hate me?" You roll your eyes and surprise both of you when you wrap your arms around him and hold on tightly.

"Of course not. I-...I love you."

Jimin hugs you back and blinks back his tears, not wanting you to know about them.

"We should probably go get your inhaler, love." You blush at what he calls you and nod awkwardly, "Yeah, that's a good idea." Jimin takes your hand and envelopes it in his, helping you stand.

"You shouldn't have run after me like that."

"What was I supposed to do? Let you go thinking I hated you?"

"We have phones you know. You could've called or texted me to come back."

"Oh shut up."

Either way, you can bet he isn't going to let you be running again anytime soon.

KIM TAEHYUNG:

"Jagi, I told you a thousand times. Get off that scale right now." You pout when your husband walks over and lifts you off the little scale in your bathroom, carrying you into the living room and plopping you on the couch. "But, Tae! I gained another pound and a half. I just need to-" Taehyung cuts you off with a look, a very angry look.

"You need to stop this. I'm not kidding around y/n." You can tell he's hurt and you feel ashamed of the way you've been acting. You skipped a few meals and kept checking your weight, making comments about how fat you are. You never considered the fact that maybe it would have an affect on your husband too. He always tells you how beautiful you are and how much he loves you, but you never accept it.

That has to weigh on him a lot.

Suddenly you're crying, out of the guilt you feel for putting him through all that. Taehyung kneels and wipes your tears away softly, "y/n, baby. Please just talk to me." You sniffle and shrug, "I don't know. I just don't feel good in my body. I don't feel healthy." Taehyung nods in understanding, "you mean because of how tired and cruddy you always feel?" You nod and he stands up to pull you to your feet.

"Then, we'll both start eating healthier and we can go on morning jogs. I don't feel my best these days either. Sound like a deal?" You nod excitedly and hug him tightly, "yes! That'll be fun!" Tae laughs as you two go to the room to get some sleep before your first jog the next day.

~

You're totally hyped up and ready; you've got your tennis shoes on and your headphones ready. You're a little nervous because you have asthma, but it shouldn't act up if you two take it easy.

Apparently that doesn't matter though, because the cold air gets to you about five minutes into the jog. Tae is going like a pro, headphones in his ears and he's not struggling at all. You on the other hand; are struggling to breathe as you stop to catch your breath. You hold your hand up to tell Taehyung to slow the heck down, and he sees you aren't next to him. Tae stops and jogs back to you, "you alright, jagi?" He looks at you knowingly and takes your hand, leading you to a bench. When you both sit down he pats your back gently, "asthma attack?" You nod and he pulls out your inhaler from one of his pockets. You look at him in surprise and he shrugs, "I know you better than you know yourself, baby. This cold air is a bit-"

"Taehyung!" You laugh and he chuckles along with you, smiling sweetly at you as you take a few puffs from your inhaler. After a couple minutes you give him a thumbs up and he nods, "all better?" You shake your head yes and stand up, "I'm okay, let's go now." Before you can start jogging again, Tae grabs your hand and starts to walk slowly with you. You look at him, confused. He smiles and shrugs, "I think maybe we should do daily walks instead, and for the cold weather we'll take shorter ones." You nod in agreement and smile at the warmth his big hand envelopes yours in as you two stroll and watch the sunrise.

JEON JUNGKOOK:

You can't stop the laughs bursting from your lips as you run as fast as you can away from your boyfriend. Jungkook and you decided to have a picnic today, so you packed up some food and came to this big field that's always empty. You two found the field one day and now it's your special place.

"I'm gonna get you, y/n!" You squeal and pump your arms harder than before, your sundress flapping in the wind while Jungkook laughs behind you at your cuteness. As you're running around in circles avoiding his grasp, your chest starts feeling tight and your breaths get shorter. You know an asthma attack is coming on, but you unwisely ignore it. You don't want it to ruin your fun day with Jungkook. Besides, you have your inhaler in your purse and a few puffs will fix it all.

Another minute passes and you start to slow down, grabbing your chest to help the air go in. Your chest has a sharp pain everytime you breathe in.

Jungkook notices your change in behavior and slows to a stop, "y/n? You okay, baby?" You nod and smile while waving him off with a laugh, "I'm fine! Just hungry." Jungkook smiles and points at the basket on the blanket laid out, "Ok then, let's eat! Come here." You walk into his open arms and he kisses your head, wrapping his arms around you. Suddenly, you're coughing uncontrollably and the wheezing has started. You sit on the ground and try to breathe slowly, but it's not helping. You can't get enough air in and the pain in your chest is excruciating. Jungkook plops down next to you with concern written all over his face, "y/n? What's going on? How can I help you, baby?" You never told him about how bad your asthma is; you usually use your inhaler and you don't run a lot, so the poor boy is at a complete loss of what's going on right now.

You point to your chest and manage to wheeze out, "a-asthma..." Jungkook's eyes widen and he scoots closer to you, "what do I do? Baby, tell me how to help you." You point at your purse and mouth 'inhaler' before another coughing fit wracks your body. Jungkook quickly crawls over the blanket to your purse, opening it and pulling out your inhaler, then he rushes back and hands it to you gently. He rubs your back soothingly while you take a puff.

But nothing comes out.

You look down in a panic, it can't be out already!! But it is. The little inhaler has a "0" on it while you stare at the place where the number of puffs is. Jungkook sees your face and looks down at it, "what's the matter? Is it not working?" You shake your head and cough out, "it r-ran out." Jungkook tries not to panic, but his mind is spinning in circles.

Then he takes a deep breath and nods, "ok well, we don't need it. All we need is to stay calm until we get another one, ok?" You nod and he tells you to take as deep breaths as you can, counting with you as he cleans up the picnic. Then he stands up, grabbing the basket and blanket and motioning for you to stand.

Jungkook has you get on his back while he holds the picnic stuff. You climb on and he walks you to the car, counting your breaths the whole way. He even carries you up the stairs to your apartment where you grab your spare inhaler and take a couple puffs.

"Thank you, Kookie." You hug him once your breathing has regulated again, and he kisses you gently.

"Love you, y/n. Make sure you tell me anything else like this, I just want to help you." You nod and he embraces you softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n: I'm sorry this took so long. I hope you guys that requested these things are still here and see them :((

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wrong Direction: Chapter 3 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

My phone rings with a FaceTime call from Kasperi a few hours after we texted. My heart stops and I feel like my chest is about to explode. I let it ring out twice before swiping right on the screen to answer the call. When it connects, I see Kasperi wearing a light pink hoodie with the hood pulled up over his wavy brown hair. He looks so cozy, so comfortable. He smiles gently at the screen when I answer, taking me in the same way I am him.

“Hey,” he says so gently it's almost a whisper.

“Hey,” I say back. I turn on my side, laying under the covers on my bed. I continue to just watch him, my heart swelling. My feelings are so conflicting, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm still just as much in love with Kas as I was the day I met him, and that might never change. He was the first person I ever fell in love with.

“Look, Y/N, I feel so bad for what I did. Like, fuck, I don’t even know how to say what I’m trying to, uhh…” he looks away from the screen as he talks and tries to come up with words to explain himself.

I giggle slightly. He looks back at the screen, his brown eyes sparkling. “I missed that laugh.”

I smile gently back at him, my temples throbbing. “I'm still mad at you, Kasperi.”

He pouts. “I know. I know you are. I hate myself for ever causing you this much pain, believe me. I wanna fix this. I want to be the one to love you.”

“It's really not that easy. What you did is unforgivable. Do you really think I'll run back to you just like that? I have some self-worth, Kas, and I know I didn't deserve that. That night, I wanted to make you a nice dinner because I felt bad for leaving you at home while I was working, despite the fact that there was nothing for me to feel bad about because I was out working. I wasn't the one cheating.”

“I know. I know, I’m so fucking stupid. I really fucked up, I know. I don’t deserve a second chance. I don’t even deserve you talking to me at all right now. I deserve jack shit, I know that. But I don’t want to lose you. Is there any way I can fix this? I’ll do anything to get you back, Y/N.”

I look away from the screen and take a breath. When I look back, he's staring at me with the same doe-eyed expression as when he first asked me out. “I don’t know.”

He looks like he might cry, and in the back of my mind I feel bad for being so harsh, but I quickly push that thought away, reminding myself how grave his mistake really was. I went to sleep crying for months. I gave him my all for what felt like forever and he threw it all away in one action. Everything felt like it was built on lies upon lies upon lies. He runs his hand down his face and pushes his hair back under his hood. “What do I do to fix this?”

I'm silent for a moment, wondering if there is even a way to fix this. “Why did you do it?” I wince as soon as the words leave my mouth, unsure of whether or not I really want to hear his answer. “I, uhm, I never gave you a chance to explain yourself.” After I saw him in bed with that girl, I left without saying another word to Kasperi. And even though that's justifiable, I still feel a little guilty.

“I thought you didn't love me anymore. You were always out doing album promotions, and it felt like there was so much distance between us. I felt like you were pushing me away, and I didn’t want to believe that, I didn't want to think about it. I needed a distraction, and that sounds so fucking stupid, I know. I regretted it as soon as she walked into the apartment.

“Y/N I need you. I need you to understand how badly I need you. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function without you. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but if you just trust me I know I can fix this. Let me fix us, please.”

I'm silent, thinking and trying not to think. “Kasperi that's the whole point, I can’t trust you, no matter how badly I want to. Please believe how badly I want to trust you like I did. But I'm coming back to Toronto next month. William’s letting me move back in with him.”

Kasperi’s eyes brighten at the news. “Then let me take you out. Let me, Y/N. Please. I miss you so fucking much, oh my God.”

I smile slightly at him, and it grows wider when I see his eyes brighten at the sight of it. If there were such things as soulmates, one person made specifically for another, I think that Kasperi would be mine. There's a lot of hurt in my chest when I look at him or think about him, but there's also an overpowering amount of love. “That would be nice.” He smiles so wide, the first smile he’s given me in what feels like forever.

“I'm going to fix this. I'm going to win you back. You're gonna be my girl again, baby, trust me. Oh, just you wait and see.” I can't help but smile back at him. There's a large amount of trust that he has to win back, but just hearing his voice makes me feel safe and warm and happy.

“Let’s see, Kasu.”

He just smiles back at me. “So, uhm, how are things in Montreal? How’s Domi?”

“Well, he's very much not on your side in this whole thing,” I laugh, to which he smiles and shakes his head.

“He was never on my side, it's not like I lost a fan or anything.”

I laugh, and the nerves in my stomach about calling him, about opening back up a wound that was just starting to heal, are gone. I still have my guard up, but he's my safety. He's my normal, my happiness.

My everything.

So I have to give him a chance to fix this. I have to give us a chance to fix us. Because he's my world, and it would be a mistake to throw everything in the garbage without ever trying to fix it. We continue to talk for a few more hours until I glance at the time and see it's close to three in the morning.

“Do you have practice tomorrow?”

“Yeah, at six. Why?”

“Because six is in less than three hours.”

“Are you joking?” He jumps slightly and his eyes widen as he searches frantically for the time to see if I'm telling the truth. I laugh at him and he calms down, smiling at me. “You're so beautiful.”

“Stop it,” I smile. “I know what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work, Kapanen.”

“I don't know what you’re talking about. I'm simply telling the truth.”

“You have to go to bed.”

He pouts at me. “I don't.”

“You do. I know you haven't been sleeping, you have to sleep tonight. In your own bed.”

He frowns, but nods. “I don't wanna hang up. I never want to stop talking to you ever again.”

“Yeah, well, your phone’s gonna die, and if you wanna talk after practice you should charge it.”

“You'll talk to me after practice tomorrow?” He sounds like a little boy who just got told he'd get ice cream after practice.

“Well, that's usually when I call William, but if you call me first…”

“Oh, I will, don't even worry.”

We stare at each other in silence.

“Good night, Y/N.”

“Good night, Kasu.”

“Can you hang up? Because-”

I cut him off by pressing the end call button and smile. Not even two seconds later a text dings.

‘HEY!!!!’

‘Go to bed.’

‘fine. but only bcuz ik i get a chance to win u back’

‘Mhm. Gn Kasu.’

‘gn <3’

I smile at the phone screen and put it on the table next to my bed. I should probably get up and take a quick shower before falling asleep, but I decide to just shower in the morning. I don't want to break the feeling Kasperi gave me. I smile as I shut my eyes, thinking that he really might love me as much as I thought he did before everything spiralled out of control.

I go to sleep with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes for the first time in months. Maybe I'm a fool, but that's what love does to you. I'm willing to give Kasperi another chance, because he really might be my forever person. I missed him more than words can describe, and I can't wait to see him again, to feel his embrace. I will always love him, no matter what, and despite the amount of hurt he made me feel, I know that we can make it past this.

He means so much to me, and I want to try to make it work, at least once more. I don't want to give up hope of a future with him, a future of late night calls when he's on the road, him coming to my shows, and little kids running around the house. I don't want to give up hope of a life with Kasperi, and I know that we can fix things between us. He loves me, and I love him, and with that we can get through anything together.

‘R u awake?’

‘im going 2 sleep rn but ya’

‘We’re gonna be ok. It'll take time, but I think we're gonna be ok, w each other’

‘trust me, Y/N, i will never ever hurt u again. i love you sm’

‘I love u forever, no matter what’

‘<3’

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck

I hate my mum so fucking much. I shouldn't but I feel it. I’m just so fucking mad because she’s she. I fucking fuck o my god I just arghhhhhgggggfhshgskwwj fucking ARGHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHH the fuck she make me do things? Why the fuck does whatever she say to me piss me off this much. I don’t give a shit about her words and constant nonsense about the same shit okay! And why the fuck does she drag something on for so long?! You can always always always fucking see I’m in the middle of some shit. Whether it’s tv or fucking all set to leave the house. Yet you’ll fucking talk and keep me from it. And I always try so fucking hard to just stand or sit there and hear your fucking shit I don't wanna hear. I don’t listen. I just hear bc that’s all I can naturally do. Seriously the shit she talks about with me doesn’t ever interest me and Ive no energy or will for it. I just wanna go on about my life and never be stopped for a minute. I have my own wars beefing me in here already. I barely fucking watch tv either. Today’s my day off in like absolute fucking ages. I hadn’t spent a day at home for weeks and she's out here talking on the phone needing the tv volume low and being her usual loud on the phone and I can’t hear shit on the tv? but when she watches tv were not allowed to make a fucking sound? only double standards from this woman aggravate me on a level as high as this. Later she even hoovers in the same room for 15 fucking minutes, are you dumb? It’s not a fucking mile long mate why take that long I'm building all this shit load of adrenaline and already fuming after 5 minutes of her presence with this clutter. I watched her the whole time instead bc she was blocking the fucking tv and sound with the bloody Hoover noise so I was forced to see all this instead. All I wanted was to watch this single programme man. that's all. it may not matter in 2 days or 5 years but I wanted this, for now, for the moment I desired this. So tell my why tf does it take that long to Hoover this small space in our living room? I swear the longer she took outside of 5 minutes pissed me the fucck offf and I was just there sitting, building samosas and fuming. I really couldn't help it. this part of my life everything made my blood boil. my mother was sitting at top throne of that fucking trigger mate. Fucking hell the way I always hold shit in with her just takes me soo mad I can’t even explain. All my nerves will explode and I could die. 

My fucking 7 year old shit of a little cunt sister pissed me off as well too. Several times today. I was watching tv during the time my mum made me come down and make somosas while she was also talking on the phone like I said. I wanted her to just leave bc I couldn’t hear the tv and she also made us minimise the volume. The fucking nerve. Anyway I make her leave when there’s not much left to do with the somosas now. I switch to the plus one channel bc I wanna watch the whole royal programme again hearing every word of it and I can get what I wanted out of today finally. But noooooo now this little cunt who refused to leave the room now too kept making a million loud and unnecessary fucking noises and I was just so astonished at how she was so capable at making so many annoying sounds with her presence. How can she make that much noise in front of my eyes and why were they so heightened. They were bangs and shuffles and paper crunch and jar closing noises. Like I told her several times nicely to stop! I can’t hear the tv. And already bc I have to speak out to her underdeveloped brain I was again missing the programme. 

Mums in my room now calmly, like usual utters make sure you put it blah blah so they don’t end up somehow back in the dirty laundry and omdssss it was like bitch why the fuck are you even talking since you came up. I’m mad rn and you’re bursting my fucking bubble again. I was hanging on by a fucking thread and could have gone to bed mad with all that shit I was feeling about her but noooo she came up talking in such a calm manner while I'm so mad and dying the fuck inside. And calm talk when I’m fucking mad coming from the person I’m mad at and especially from my mother again pisses me of like a knife to the gut. My anger and level of resentment it ain’t normal so don’t tp me over the fucking edge but ya did didn't ya! these days breathing even pisses me off so imagine my mother fs. Anyways she now says to me in a subtle manner don’t be angry and just like that, I’ve lost it. I just said something automatically back. I said WHY YOU ALWAYS IN MY STUFF she goes.. who? I say YOUUUU, DONT EVER TOUCH MY SHIT AND STAY OUT IF IT WHY YOU ALWAYS TOUCHING IT AND DONT EVER TOUCH WHATVER IS MINE IN MY ROOM AGAIN Like I’m so mad man bc wtf when I entered my room beforehand I knew instantly shit was touched. My resentment mingled with emotions of anger is mega mega heavy when my shits touched by anyone. Especially this little shit and my mum bc that’s when shit goes missing, things are mistaken for rubbish and then things are misplaced. I don’t like that shit. I don’t. I don’t like it. It pisses me off in a different way. Do not touch my shit. Like noooo I don’t carrrreeee, if you think it’s rubbish I don’t caaaree leavveeeeee it motherfuckering alooooneeee. I don’t care if there’s a dead rat laying in the centre of my room. Do. not. fucking. move. it. My mum yeah comes in and does what she likes. I noticed some things that were different from last I saw it and something that didn’t mean much that I kept she threw away the other day and I picked it up again bc I could have added it to a rubbish collection of mine and today it’s gone again. Are you dumbbbbbb when I noticed that amongst a couple other things like earlier she had my sibling bring down a handful of my Nike socks to put in the wash FUCK SAKE what? Fuckk off now, no! Do nooot dooo that! OMDS fs I was so mad and agitated I don’t like it man like I don’t I could cry. I can’t tell you why it deeply bothers me but it does so please do not touch my shit fucking hell! I don’t care if it’s dirty. I’ll handle it bc I literally decide when to take it down for a wash and until I make that decision and you done it for me? no that's not okay. idk why I get this deep angered feeling man but just fuck off. Then a mention from her the other day saying why do I keep my room so junked with condiments shoved with shit inside, like keep less. And that came about in my head during all this madness so that added to today’s events and why in a burst of anger I said why do you touch my stuff etcetera. She never said nothing and just went down because she knew I was mad now. To her over nothing but to me over fucking everything. It’s a whole days worth of built up anger man and I don’t have the will to go on telling you everything on why I’m mad toward you bc I’ll breakdown form it all and I really don’t want to bc you happen to be my fucking mother and I don’t like later regretting the very true shit I’d say in this state. But it kills not to as I  bottle it up and feel the pain of these unsaid things. better me than you though. 

I balled my eyes out just before writing all this bc I was angry I could not. Got that fucking pain in my neck from holding back the cry. Like reading through it sounds like why did I get so mad and cry about it all. But it was a whole days worth of built up anger and other little things through out so I stood there then in my room for a moment then with all the anger and mean words inside me that I wanted to say out loud that I couldn’t therefore didn’t. I was just feeling it all. Then my dad came up saying whats up, am I mad and stuff like tell me. I kept saying nothing and that each time he said something to me. Bc obviously he heard my tantrum thrown at my mum. Heck the whole house heard. I didn’t scream or yell thaaat loud but it was me in the house who was being angry and throwing a fit today. So yeah after dad left my room door almost closed I sat and I cried silently. I just hate so many things about my mum man. I don’t even think hate is the right word. I just don't wanna be her anything. She is what makes me tick most. The things she says to me about all things and even about me. Like I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. If I hear it I just get mad I don’t get hurt. or maybe I do get hurt and subliminal ignore the hurt and instantaneously replace it with emotion of severe anger with a lot of resentment. Like it just bothers me I can’t be myself bc she’ll throw the biggest fit and occasionally cry bc you’ll feel so shameful of your daughter being anyway that you don’t want or approve of. Like that’s why i hide so much of me already and have to leave the house before she catches a glimpse of me and come home making sure the same thing. I tread carefully around my mum bc she will throw the ugliest and meanest fits that I cannot allow her to feel or cause vibes in the house bc of. Like it’s too much. So if there’s anything I can do to help that than I will hide and be who I am. It’s all so complicated man. last thing I did was get up before getting in bed and slam my door shut so she can hear know I'm maaaad. it felt good. Hope it have her a shock. 

Like idek why I run to my blog. I just had to let it all out somewhere and I hadn’t cried in forever so that was something.

I’m fucking hungry too. I barely ever eat and there’s nothing to eat. Nothing appetises me at all

Fuck I still feel shit

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: The Assassin’s Blade, Ch 21-22

I got nothing lads. This book is draining me of my soul.

Celaena lay on her cloak, trying to imagine that the sand was her down mattress in Rifthold, and that she wasn’t completely exposed to the elements in the middle of the desert. The last thing she needed was to wake up with a scorpion in her hair.

Stop teasing me with ways to kill Celery’s ass off, SJM.

“I’ve got sand in every crevice of my body,” Celaena muttered, squirming as she felt it grind against her skin. (...) “Are you sure you’re Celaena Sardothien? Because I don’t think she’d actually be this fussy. I bet she’s used to roughing it.”

Holy shit, this is... self awareness? Ansel calling Celery out on being a useless dumbass? I am so baffled. Is SJM trolling us at this point, or does she just. genuinely not understand how terrible her characters are?

Ansel blathers on about the witches and their queens or whatnot, which just makes me yearn for the Manon POVs in E0S (the first half, anyways). I truly took them for granted :’(

Ansel let out a low hiss. “Some witches, like the Crochans, were gifted with ethereal beauty. But the Ironteeth Clans have iron teeth, sharp as a fish’s.

There’s that stupid fish teeth comparison again.  I have no problem with repeated phrases in a book series (as long as you know, they’re not repeated every other five pages in each book) but this is just... dumb.

Ansel says that one of her childhood friends was eaten by a witch when she was little, which is so boring and non-important I’m skipping it, then they go to sleep. The next morning they go to their destination which is in the market place.

Many people stopped to stare at her red hair and matching eyes, but Ansel took it in stride. Even without her armor, she was stunning. Celaena tried not to think about how few people bothered to notice her.

I don’t give a flying fuck about Celery’s feefees over not getting any special attention I do not!!!!! give a single fuck!!!!!!! I am going to rip this stupid book in half once I’m done reading it.

Ansel won’t let Celery actually go with her to meet with some dude, so she leaves her stranded in the middle of a busy marketplace. Lmao.

In Rifthold, she had a line of credit at all her favorite stores,

you fucking wot m8

There were a few hired guards standing around the covered wagon, and a tall, lean man stood behind the table displayed in front of it. But it wasn’t the guards or the man or his wagon that grabbed her attention. No, it was what was on his table that knocked the breath from her and made her curse her too-light money purse. Spidersilk.

Oh hey, that thing that was used later with the witches.... cool. I’ll take it over an asspull plot twist any day, tbh.

There were legends about the horse-sized stygian spiders that lurked in the woods of the Ruhnn Mountains of the north, spinning their thread for hefty costs. Some said they offered it in exchange for human flesh; others claimed the spiders dealt in years and dreams, and could take either as payment.

Damn, those giant spiders sound waaaay cooler than the shitty Fae in later novels. Why can’t this book be about them? Honestly, I ask myself that far too often when reading these novels.

Celery chats with the guy who has the Spidersilk and it’s just nothing worth noting, so I’m skimming through the details.

She raised her chin. “I turned seventeen two weeks ago.” And what a miserable birthday that had been. Trudging across the desert with no one to celebrate with except her recalcitrant guide, who just patted her shoulder when she announced it was her birthday. Horrible.

SJM expects me to feel sorry for this bitch. That’s cute.

The dude reveals that some of the silent assassins secretly work for Lord Berick.

But Celaena tucked the information away for later. Were some of the Silent Assassins actually working for Berick? Perhaps that was why Ansel had insisted on keeping the meeting so secret—maybe the Master didn’t want the names of the suspected traitors getting out.

So yeah, it’s pretty obvious Ansel is more than likely one of those traitors, but of course Celery doesn’t even consider this because of...reasons. Considering the possibility of such a thing would require for her brain to work, and as we all know, Celery doesn’t own a functioning brain.

Celery tells the guy to ask Arobynn for her if he ever needs her services, so he gives her some Spidersilk.

“A reminder of what?” She shut the lid and tucked the small box into the inner pocket of her white tunic. The merchant smiled sadly. “That everything has a price.” A phantom pain flashed through her face. “I know,” she said, and left.

Oh, it’s just like I’m a young teenager reading this for the first time puzzling over what this meant, not knowing the shitstorm that awaited me in later novels. Truly, they were easier times!

Ansel shows up later to drag Celery over to a pen where there are some horses. Apparently the horses belong to Lord Berick, so Ansel and Celery steal them and leave, ending the chapter. Very little is happening now, but I’ll take it over the pile of dogshit  that were the previous two chapters.

Next chapter, Ansel and Celery ride into the desert being chased by guards.

And just like that, the dunes parted to reveal the turquoise expanse of the Gulf of Oro. The cool sea breeze kissed her face, and Celaena leaned into it, almost moaning with pleasure.

Maybe a nitpick, but am I the only one completely weirded out when “moaning with pleasure” is used for shit like this? Like, when people describe a character moaning when they eat good food it’s so baffling to me because it’s giving me a mental image of sexual pleasure, but they’re just eating food?? Is Celery having an orgasm rn because there’s a cool breeze?

Ansel cut away, surging toward the dunes and the giant wall of rock that arose nearby. The Desert Cleaver, if Celaena knew her geography correctly—which she did, as she’d studied maps of the Deserted Land for weeks now.

I find it very hard to believe entitled Celery who thinks everything should just be handed to her on a silver platter would devote so much time to studying and working.

A narrow opening in the wall of red rock appeared, twisting away from sight. Ansel headed straight toward it. How dare she make such a reckless, stupid decision without consulting Celaena first?

You mean like Alien does later in E0S? Holy shit, this just emphasizes how little SJM plans things out for her books. Her characters actually lose development and intelligence as the series progresses. That is actually fucking hilarious and I’ve never seen the likes of it in any other shitty YA series. Holy smokes.

Though the guards still remained a good distance away, they were close enough for Celaena to see the weapons, including longbows, strapped to them.

But I bet they’re not going to use them, like the guards from E0S that didn’t use their crossbows, because of plot reasons.

They outrun the guards and Celery punches Ansel then they stop for the night. Lmao at how much shit was crammed in the previous chapters but these ones are just... nothing.

Apparently Ansel lied to the Mute Master about her backstory. Her old home was ravaged by some Lord Loch dude and all of her family was killed so she ended up training with the silent assassins for revenge or something. Ansel is just a not quite as shitty Celery clone, so I have little reason to care about her.

Celaena hadn’t realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath. Saying that she was sorry didn’t feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn’t do anything at all.

Oh my god fuck off Celery, Ansel isn’t telling you her backstory for you to feel sorry about your own poor feefees, literally no one gives a shit about you. Please, take a hike off the nearest cliff and spare me the agony of having to think about you anymore.

Celery and Ansel talk about how all men are evil and shit and then the chapter ends. Fuck this stupid fucking bullshit. This might actually be worse than E0S. That’s right, I said it, don’t @ me.

[fairycosmos]

pt7: i can't let go. i know it is the right thing to do, but how can something that is right hurt so bad? and i have to go to work tomorrow from 8-2, and i seriously dont know how i am going to do that. i can't fake a smile. but i feel like it would be weak to stay home. i can't eat. i have eaten anything since yesterday. i am such a fucking mess and i really can't see a way out of it anymore.

hey love. sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this, and sorry if there’s any spelling mistakes. my computer is broke so i have to type all this on my phone. firstly i just want to say that i really think you’re a hella strong person for dealing w this shit and for getting through it all. give yourself some credit for that. it sounds like such a difficult situation, so don’t beat yourself up for crying and being sad and angry and hurt. you’re allowed to be upset, and to feel all of that shit deeply and without remorse. take each emotion as it comes and let it register in your mind n body. make the concious desicion to allow yourself to breathe through it. all you have to do is get through this day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. if you’re doing that, then you’re doing more than enough. i promise. listen, people can fuck you up. they can get inside your head and they can make you feel like life without them would be pointless. but even if it feels like that’s the case, it’s simply not. as hard as it is to believe, you were fine before this boy and you will be fine after. you said it yourself, you know hes not good for you. hes a manipulator. and i know that you love him, but one of the absolute worst things you can do to yourself is allow someone to hurt and damage you just bc you care for them. if you catch yourself doing that, try to look at the situation objectively. tell yourself what you would tell a friend if they were going through what you're going through, and then take your own advice to heart. he's just a person, love. never put a boy before yourself and your own mental health and happiness, he's not the only person you're going to love in your lifetime. he doesn't get to treat you like that, he needs to learn that it's not okay. you think you cant say no to him but you CAN. it might take you a while to find the strength and courage to do so, but if you want all of this bullshit to stop then i know you'll be able to eventually. once you've told him no you'll realize it was actually the easiest thing in the world. it's the only way you'll get some peace of mind. and yes, it's going to hurt like a BITCH for a while. there's nothing i can do about that and nothing you can do about that. but i promise that with stuff like this, time will help more than anything else. so cry and scream and rant and do anything it takes to keep going. it's okay to break down a little, you're human. you're a person and you're in pain and even though it's shit it's completely natural. you're not alone, so many people have been in your shoes before, seriously.also i just want you to know that what hes doing is by no means a reflection of you or who you are as a person. hes clearly going thorough some stupid shit and he's not in the right place for a healthy relationship. it's not because you're not good enough, you ARE good enough. please believe me when i say that. the right person will make sure you know that you're more than enough, so much more. look, you haven't done anything wrong. we can't control what other people do, but we can put a stop to how much of an impact they have in our lives. you're in control, you don't have to put up w his shit. and you probably don't see it that way right now, bc you're young and you love him and you're infatuated w him. but you have to love and respect yourself MORE. what you're feeling right now will fade, the only person you will always have without a doubt is yourself. so please just try to do whats best for you here. that's all. and if you need to talk to someone, i'd really encourage you to see a therapist or counsellor if thats an option for you. they can actually really help you process your emotions and it's good to have someone to talk to. it's not even scary or nerve wracking to speak to one either, it's just a conversation. a good way to get things out. look into it, don't reject the idea until you've tried it. it's worth looking into.i really really hope you're okay. it might take a while but i just know that you're going to be alright. you can endure a lot more than you think you can. your stronger than your mind is leading you to believe. you'll look back on this in 10 years and realize that you can't even remember why it hurt so much. i know it's shit, okay? but this is a fleeting moment in your life. you deserve more than that guy. you won't see that rn bc like i said, you love him. i just hope you find it in you to love yourself more. it won't happen all at once, it's a concious choice you have to make. but it's not impossible. hmu if you need someone to talk to. get some rest, everything is going to be ok.

[poppydaystories]

the secrets we keep close to our hearts

“What happened to us?”

The question hovers in the air, unanswered. Poppy’s afraid to touch it, let alone acknowledge it. She shifts on her butt, anxiously tearing some grass out from the ground. It’d taken them the whole summer to get here. To get to this very moment. It had been all Poppy had wanted, and now that it’s here, she’s afraid it’s another dream.

She lifts her head. Ellie’s staring at her, waiting. She wants an answer. She wants a list of reasons. She wants to be able to pick them all apart to ensure they won’t happen again. Poppy knows this, she knows that Ellie needs this, but still, she keeps her mouth shut.

“Real mature, Day. Real fucking mature.” Ellie pushes herself off the ground. She hovers for a moment, as if Poppy might suddenly beg. She can’t. Ellie nods once, sharp and defiant. “Alright, if that’s how you want it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you, because right now? You just started a war that may never end.”

 “Ellie,” Poppy whispers. But it’s too late. Ellie is already halfway across the park by the time Poppy can find her voice. She hugs her knees close to her chest now and rests her forehead on her knees. Nothing will make this okay. Nothing. But it’s for the best. It is. It has to be. Poppy needs to protect Ellie, and this is the only way she knows how. It had to be done.

A sob breaks out of her, startling some of the ducks down at the pond. Poppy doesn’t know what to do, but when she finally manages to stand up, she has a feeling that she can’t go back now. She made her decision, and if Ellie ever found out, well, Poppy’s sure she’d feel worse than she already does.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and Poppy reaches into her pocket to read the text message.

TOM: did you seriously use your savings to pay off ellie’s dad so he’d disappear???

POPPY: you didn’t see the bruises, tom. I did what I had to do. you can’t ever tell her.

TOM: so it’s better to think that he just took off?

POPPY: yes. yes it is. can you imagine what it would be like for her to learn that her father accepted the $5k to leave her without a second thought? 5k, tom. 5 fucking thousand bucks. I was willing to give him 20k. he took my first offer.

TOM: god this is a mess. TOM: you really don’t want her to know?

POPPY: no, I don’t. she deserves a better life, and with her dad out of it, she has a chance at that now.

TOM: I don’t know what to say...

POPPY: there’s nothing to say. she hates me now. you can’t breathe a word. she barely has a self-esteem rn, and I think learning how little she’s worth to her dad will shatter that completely. she means everything to me, tom.

TOM: alright, I won’t say a word. just lmk what you need from me.

POPPY: can you pick me up? I don’t think I can stop crying long enough to drive home

TOM: duck pond?

POPPY: yes.

Knowing that Tom would be on his way, Poppy lets herself collapse back onto the ground. She hugs her legs and watches the ducks swim around. She’d signed Ellie up for a Love Me Self-Esteem Workshop two weeks ago, and she’d made Ellie promise she’d go. Poppy can only cling to the hope that she will. Out of everyone on this earth, Ellie deserves to love herself as much as Poppy does.

x x x

“Dad?” Ellie asks, peering at the old man behind the grocery store counter. She tilts her head. God, she hadn��t seen him in...what? Nine, ten years? Maybe twelve. She thinks he left when she was seventeen. So. Twelve years.

Twelve years and suddenly, he’s right there in front of her. She’d flown into LA for a job interview and had decided to grab some whole foods instead of relying on the hotel restaurant. She always did hate to eat alone in public.

“Eloise?” He sounds so uncertain, so timid. Then he flushes with embarrassment. “I bet you’re not surprised to find your ol’ man working the till at a rundown grocery store. You look...you look great, El. Really grown up.”

She stares at him before lifting her basket up onto the counter. “How did you end up in LA?”

“It’s a long story. Could I tell you over dinner? I’m nearly nine years sober, y’know.”

Ellie blinks. Her dad is sober? What? All those years she begged him to quit drinking because it made him mean and abusive. And now...now he’s sober? She can’t trust him, but the teenage girl inside her aches to believe him. “I--uh, sure. I’m in town for an interview. It’s tomorrow at two o’clock. How about we meet at four?”

“I get done at six?”

“Six it is then. I’m staying at the Marriott down the road. Meet me at the hotel restaurant?” she asks, still unsure of him.

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

Ellie knows that his promises tend to become disappointments, but she nods once. She’d become better than this. Her self-worth no longer depended on what her daddy thought of her. In fact, this would be the perfect test to see if that holds true.

“Don’t worry - I’ll get this. Have yourself a good night, okay?”

She takes her bags. “Yeah, okay. Sure. I’ll...I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ellie doesn’t look back, because she’s afraid that she’ll have made it all up. Her fingers grip the grocery bag tightly and when she gets into her hotel room, she presses her back to the door. How could he have been so close for all these years? Getting sober? Ellie didn’t buy it.

ELLIE: I just ran into my dad.

TOM: wait, what???? where???? I thought you were in LA.

ELLIE: I am. and apparently so is my dad. he said he’s been sober for nine years. we’re getting dinner tomorrow night before I fly out.

TOM: I’ve got the kids until 8pm my time, but do you want me to give you a call afer?

ELLIE: no, no. I’m okay. really. I just wanted to let you know. how’s vernon adapting to being a single foster parent?

TOM: tbh I think it’s making him reconsider our breakup. I hope so, anyway. just lmk if you need to talk, okay?

ELLIE: will do, dude. but by the looks of what you’ve been posting on fb, single parenthood suits you.

TOM: that’s the kids & I trying to get vernon back. they’ve been with us for two years. their our kids, y’know? ethan will be turning 18 in two weeks, and I really wanted to surprise him with adoption papers with vernon on his bday.

ELLIE: oh wow, that’s incredible! I’m so happy for you guys!

And she is. Really. But wow, how can she be jealous of a seventeen year old kid who has been dealt a crap hand in life? It’s just...Ethan had two dads who love him more than anything. They had broken up for some reason - one that no one is willing to share with her - and yet they still love him so much. What must that be like?

Meeting her father for dinner makes her anxious, but she’s not going to show it. She never shows her weaknesses anymore. Keeping a straight face, sitting very still, she skims the menu. Of course, she already knows what she wants. But the heavy silence between them is too much.

“Please, tell me how you’ve been?” her dad ventures, setting his menu down on the table. “How was college? Are you seeing anyone these days? How’s Penelope and the boys? What were their names... um...”

“Penelope,” Ellie repeats softly. She hadn’t thought about Poppy in a long time. Her betrayal had been heartbreaking enough. She tilts her head. “Why do you remember Poppy? She barely came around the house and I...I never talked about her.”

Her dad blinks. It’s the same deer-in-headlights expression that Tom had had five years ago when he’d mentioned Poppy’s name in her presence. They had had one agreement - her, Tom, and Vernon - and that was to never, ever mention Poppy. They could be friends with her, but they were to pretend she doesn’t exist around Ellie. The heartache that Poppy’s name brought to her hadn’t eased with time.

“You mean, she never told you?”

“Told me what?” Ellie’s gripping the menu tightly. When the waiter comes to their table, they sense that there’s tension right now and casually slip away. “Frank, tell me right now.”

Her dad sighs, staring at his water glass. Then he meets her eyes. “Honey, Poppy paid me five thousand dollars for me to go away when you were seventeen. I took it and flew to New Orleans. I burned through a big chunk of it quickly, and then I flew to Vegas, with the hopes of making it back. There was so much booze in Vegas - it was like an alcoholic’s dream come true.”

Ellie doesn’t relax. If possible, she tenses some more. Poppy paid her dad to leave her? How dare she play god with Ellie’s life?

“Then about six months later, I went back to her. She told me you two weren’t talking anymore, but that you were doing so much better. I tried to blackmail her into giving me more money. Instead, she sent me to rehab. I’ll admit I tried to run away a few times, but there she’d be, yelling at me to get back into the building.” Her dad shakes his head. “You really don’t know any of this?”

“No, now keep talking. And talk fast.” Ellie’s vibrating with too many emotions to name.

“Basically, for the first five years after I left, I burned through Penelope’s savings and college tuition. She didn’t care. She was there, every step of the way. Constantly yelling at me, but she never wavered. No matter how mean I’d get. She’d remind me that I had to get better to make up for...well, everything.”

“What happened after the first five years?” Ellie whispers, barely recognizing her own voice. Poppy did this?

“She got a job in New York. She took the opportunity, but called me once a week for the next few years or so. Now we’re down to six month check-ins - I send her half of every pay cheque.” Frank tilts his head. “Eloise, I’m so sorry for all I had done to you. I know that I can’t ever make up for it, but I swear, I’m clean and I’m doing alright. I’m just not where I’d like to be. I wanted to be in a better position before reaching out to you.”

“Where is Poppy now?” Ellie asks.

“Uh, last I heard she’d gone up to Toronto for another job opportunity.”

“Toronto? Poppy is in Canada?”

“I think so. I still have her email address if you want it--”

“I...I don’t know what to say, Frank. I really don’t.”

“That girl loves you a lot, Ellie. She always gets a real soft look when she talks about you. She never really let me know what was going on between you, but I figured that was just ‘cause she didn’t want you to know what she was up to. She told me that you were engaged, so I had assumed that y’all were talking again.”

Engaged? How would Poppy know that...oh god. Tom and Vernon know. They know what Poppy’s been doing for her for twelve years and they never told her.

“I need some time to process this.”

“Wait, please. Just share a drink with me at least?”

Ellie freezes.

“I mean coffee or tea. God, sorry. I didn’t mean...I haven’t had a sip in nine years, I swear. I’m almost at my ten year anniversary.”

“I guess I could stay for one coffee.”

x x x 

Poppy gets off the subway, grateful to be part of the rushing crowd who switches to Line 2 at Bloor. Line 2 is usually less packed than Line 1. She adjusts her headphones, listening to a podcast. Sword and Scale is in their fifteenth season, and the murder they’re discussing is particularly gruesome. But no one else needs to know that this is what she listens to for pleasure.

She winces at a very detailed part before taking a seat. She relaxes, despite knowing she’l be getting off soon. Poppy watches some people around her. There are a group of high school kids huddled together, laughing and shouting. There’s an older man sitting across from her, reading the newspaper that Poppy had read on her way to work this morning. She spots a really good looking couple sitting a few seats down the car - one has a large trans flag pin on their bag and the other person has a scarf made out of the bisexual colours.

Poppy smiles. She’s been living in Toronto for a while now, and she loves it. There’s so many interesting people to watch and make up stories about their lives. But most of all? Living in Toronto was really nice because the diversity was incredible. She went from a small white-ass town to a big city with people from everywhere.

None of her Canadian friends have the same religious beliefs - other than the other two atheists in her office - and one one of them was actually born outside of Canada. She was a refugee, and Poppy had told her how much she admired her strength.

She’s no longer one of two black people in a room like she had been growing up. She’s surrounded by culture and diversity.

The podcast ends just as she’s getting off the subway to walk to her house just off the Danforth. Poppy pulls out her phone and frowns when she sees a string of texts from Tom.

TOM: Poppy, I don’t know what happened but I think the secret’s out of the bag. TOM: Ellie knows. she ran into her father accidentally. he told her the whole story. I had no idea. TOM: she called me yelling & didn’t even let me explain TOM: I don’t know what she’s going to do... TOM: but she did not sound happy. TOM: is it bad that I feel a little relieved? I hated lying to her.

TOM: wait, that lest message was for vernon but...well, it’s true.

She stands on the corner of Pape and Danforth for what feels like years. Poppy reads the messages once more. Then again. And again. Swallowing, she calls Tom.

“Poppy!”

“This is so bad. So bad.”

“It’s been like twelve years since you two talked. I feel like it should’ve blown over now.”

“I was her lifeline, Tom. I was her rock. And she lost me when she lost her dad.” Poppy closes her eyes. “She knew I was keeping a secret from her, and she couldn’t handle it. And I couldn’t tell her.”

“I know. I know. But c’mon. Poppy, you could’ve told her by now.”

“It was too hard. I didn’t want to open that can of worms when she was doing so well.” Poppy starts walking towards her home now. “How did this even happen? This is so bizarre.”

Poppy listen s to Tom, and she has to stop on the sidewalk a few times to process what he’s saying. Then she reaches her house, and freezes. After a moment of Tom asking her if she’s still on the phone, Poppy murmurs. “I gotta go, Tommy Boy. Ellie is on my porch stairs.”

“What?!” Tom yells.

“Love you,” Poppy says, on autopilot. She hangs up without waiting to hear his response. “Ellie.”

“Poppy. How could you?”

“I just...”

“I--I need to understand. Please.”

“C’mon in. We’ll talk.” Poppy passes her on the stairs to unlock her front door. “So you flew up?”

“Yeah. I had to reschedule my second interview.”

“What? This could’ve waited. Why would you risk a job opportunity like this?” Poppy asks. She kicks off her shoes and flicks on her kitchen light. Ellie drops her stuff in the front hallway before joining Poppy in the kitchen. “Ellie--Eloise, I just--what was the job for?”

“To become partner at a law firm.”

“So you really did it, huh? The boys told me but it’s nice to know they weren’t lying. That’s awesome - good for you.” Poppy fills the kettle with water and puts it onto the stove. Ellie had always drank tea, and Poppy hopes that hasn’t changed.

Ellie sighs. “Okay, look, let’s cut all the small talk bull shit. Why did you do it?”

Poppy shrugs. “I did what I thought needed to be done.”

“But my d--Frank, Frank said that you kept at it for five years before you had to move and that you still talk?”

“Ellie,” Poppy says, feeling more at ease now. Time had been kind to her in that sense - she felt more comfortable taking charge of a conversation. “You were always the girl who needed her dad to be a hero, but your dad wasn’t. So I thought...”

“You thought you could make him into a hero.”

“I was young when it started. I had no real concept of how much work and energy it is dealing with addiction. By the time I realized what I had committed myself, it was too late. You couldn’t have torn me from your dad’s side if the whole world depended on it. He was there for me when my mom died. He was there for me when my father shut down and then took off without a word. I didn’t mean to depend on him, but I had to.” Poppy is grateful when the kettle whistles. She gets up from the table and busies herself with getting mugs and teabags.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mom. She was pretty nice,” Ellie says, her voice soft. “And your dad just vanished?”

“Yep. Didn’t take his cell phone or wallet with him. One day, he stopped answering the phone and a week later, I flew down to find the house empty. Well, not empty. Everything was still exactly in it’s place. There was no note. No sign of anything out of the ordinary. He didn’t even made the bed or clean up the beer bottles. He was just gone.” Poppy sets the mug in front of Ellie before she sits down. “I had to legally declare him dead so I could take over the mortgage and stuff. I rent it out now.”

“Wow. I’m so sorry.”

Poppy shrugs. “Don’t be. I’ve had time to deal with it. So. Now you know. I never wanted to hurt you, Ellie. I just didn’t think at the time you could handle knowing what I had done.”

Ellie meets her eyes, her fingers curling around the mug. “I don’t think I could’ve back then. But I mean, time passed on, why didn’t you reach out to me?”

“I made a deal with Frank. Once he felt like he was good enough to reach out to you, then I had to. But I said I wouldn’t before then. It wouldn’t have seemed fair, y’know? To tell you what I had done, have been doing, and then telling you that you couldn’t talk to Frank because he wasn’t ready.”

“Wow. God, this is so much to take in.”

“I know. If you want to process it alone, that’s fine. I don’t know if you have a hotel room or not, but I have a guest bedroom that you’re more than welcome to stay in.”

“That would be nice...I didn’t really think that far ahead. I just went to the airport and bought a ticket for the next flight. I had to run through the airport. It was very dramatic.” Ellie smiles now. “And then I spent the entire plane ride freaking out and trying to understand everything. And then I realized that I had no idea how to get from the airport to your place so I grabbed a $60 Uber ride.”

“Frank give you my address?”

“Yeah. He said that he sends you Christmas presents and that you always mail him stuff throughout the year.”

“He’s kind of a penpal in that way,” Poppy tells her, with a fond smile crossing her lips. “So. I only know what you’ve been up to through Tom and Vern. Why don’t you catch me up on your life in your own words?”

“Sure, but first, can we talk about what the hell happened with Tom and Vernon?” Ellie asks.

Poppy’s shoulders relax for the first time since reading Tom’s text messages. God, she’d been dying to talk to someone about this. Her new Canadian friends didn’t really understand - they hadn’t met Tom or Vernon before, so all the drama meant nothing to them. Poppy could’ve reached out to Jane, but Jane had kind of faded from the group after college. Vernon is the only person who still talks to her occasionally.

“I can’t believe after all the crap they went through with Vernon’s mom and the whole thing with his siter and getting approved for foster care that they split.” Poppy shakes her head in disbelief. “And over a fucking book, no less.”

“It’s the stupidest fucking thing ever. I tried to tell Vernon to get his head out of his ass, because those kids mean the world to them both, and they shouldn’t be giving those kids any more instability,” Ellie says, waving her hands in the air.

Poppy laughs, because it’s so easy to fall into old habits. “They’re ridiculous. I’m pretty sure Vernon is going to freak when he discovers that book was part of Tom’s proposal plan.”

“He’s going to propose?!”

“Well, he was. Two months ago. But then Vernon stormed out and said he needed time to cool off.” Poppy frowns. “I think he’s worried about becoming his mom.”

“He’s a moron. He’ll never be like his mom.”

“I know. But you try telling that to him. He’s stubborn as a mule.”

“No kidding,” Ellie says, with lightness in her voice. They fall silent for a moment, before Ellie meets Poppy’s eyes. “Thanks, Poppy. For everything you did for me. I don’t think anyone has ever loved me that much before.”

“I know it’s like, twelve years too late, but uh. I just--Ellie, I would do anything for you. You meant everything to me.” Poppy hesitates before she adds, softly, “You still do. How I felt about you never changed. Not once.”

Ellie nods, as though she understands the weight behind Poppy’s words. Then she reaches out and puts her hand on Poppy’s. “I’m sorry that I doubted you.”

“It’s okay. It’s not too late. Why don’t you go settle in the guest room, maybe take a nap? It’s been a long week for you, I’m sure. When you wake up, I’ll have your favourite pancakes and bacon.”

The smile on Ellie’s face is worth everything to Poppy. “Breakfast for dinner is my favourite. Thank you, Poppy. Truly.”

“Go, go, get some rest.”

When Poppy’s alone, she goes over to the calendar hanging on her fridge. She runs her finger over today’s date.

Tomorrow will officially be three months since she’s been diagnosed with stage four cancer. Soon she’ll leave this earth, but at least she had the chance to make things right with Ellie first. She closes her eyes, adjusting her wig, and starts to make breakfast.

See, the thing is that the doctors didn’t realize the cancer was in stage four. They had misdiagnosed it as stage two. They had thought they could fight it. So Poppy had been going in and out of the hospital for chemo and radiation treatments. Then they learned that it was stage four. It had spread to different parts of her body.

Soon, she’ll be too weak to do anything but accept it.

But that’s tomorrow’s worries. Tonight, she’s just going to enjoy her company and thank the universe for giving her this chance to be with the love of her life once more.

x x x 

© e. days. may 2017.

[inequilibrium]

this is really unasked for and i hope is not a burden and if it is im truly sorry but i need to talk to someone. In addition to it, i want to maybe warn you if you don´t want to read this ask im going to talk about mental health and concerns i have.[ ------ ]----- Lately i´ve been struggling with depression an anxiety, as it is; the main reason is because i couldnt find what i wanted to do with my life, or if its even worth it. Being honest i never wanted to board that issue, not even when (1)

everything is under a cut!

(2) i had to choose a major, and rn when im about to finish it i realized i messed up, i dont know what i want to do because my drive to keep studyind that major wasnt because i wanted to do that for life not even because i enjoyed it, i did it because it was ‘the right thing to do’ ‘something i always wanted’ and it kept me busy with the idea that at least i wasnt being lazy, i was doing something, my life had a meanig and a gold, for who? who knows (2)

(3) and now that i find myself finishing it, and i have to choose again something to specialize and get my degree i started thinking about why keep doing it, i dont want to get a job according to it, i dont even like it, i dont hate it either but i truly dont see myself doing anything related to it. And it hit me, really hard and it hurt so much, the fact that i actually trew away five and a half years of my life, thinkig it was the right thing to do and being unhappy, for what (3)

(4) i was avoiding the whole thing and i dont even know why, but the moment i found myself thinkig about where i wanted to go, getting a job and why i wanted to finsih my carreer; i realized that, because i wasnt brave enough to face my problems and reallity i could be stucked forever doing something i dont love, spending more and more of my time instead of actually investing it. I made a mistake and it felt really awful, how many more years was i going to be okay throwing away (4)

(5) and now im stucked on a different place, now i want to find something im willing to spend my life on but i cant think of anything. I havent fully forgive myself for acting the way i did, it really really hurt those 5 years of waste, and i dont want to keep loosing time that wont come back. I try to make peace in the sense that okay, theyre gone but im still young, theres so much more i can do; but is not easy. Ive been feelling so lost and hopeless. i want to have a reason, a purpose (5)

(6) i dont want to stay till but rn i cant find a reason to even get out of bed, why would i get up, get dressed, eat. If i dont have something i want to do or get, either acomplish; and the things i have at the moment i dont want them because even thinking about them makes sad each and every day. It sounds really bad since im on an advantageous position, i have health and i am abled but my mind doesnt let me go. I dont know what to do now, i know its a matter of picking again and (6)

(7) and start working but when i try to ask myself, i found a blank space. Its the worst ive been in years because even if i think of starting a new major, i got such a negative conception of college as an institution and experience, all the sadness ive been feeling, imprinted a lot of negative feelings to it; that now even going back just triggers my anxiety and depression. I really dont know what should i do, or if anything would even worth it. i think im not completely helpless since (7)

(8) im still willing to try, but my depression and self judgement peeps and i cant seem to get out of it. Now i dont even know what i like or enjoy, what im actually willing to do, or what is the right thing to do or even if i should finish this major in the mean time. There was a point where i wanted to stop trying. and even now, even if im willing to try i dont know towards what i should run. I wnat to think im doing better that the past days, at least i stopped crying all and judging and (8)

(9) blaming myself, but my appetite is still gone, and the things i used to enjoy just feel like a burden to me atm, listening to music, reading; i dont feel interest on doing it anymore, i stil get distracted and cant seem to concentrate. i dont know what to do, how does one fall back again on the track of life?. I dont wat to get stucked but im stucked right now. I want to try and think but my mind is messed up and blank, if the things, the small ones i ised to enjoy i cant seem to be able (9

(10) to even do them anymore, how am i supposed to find a purpose, a gold. something i like and am willing to invest my time on. I feel confused and sad. and i really dont know where to start. it was so sad when i found myself surrounded by people who seem to know what they wanted, or why they were doing that major, how it made them feel acomplished, i realized something was really wrong because wasnt even one bit excited. and it made me think, and blame myself to no end (10)

(11) im afraid of choosing again,messing up,being that wrong. But for more that i want to move on my mind wont let me,and i dont know anymore.[ ] Im really sorry for doing this, and by no means i want to give my problems to someone else, i dont intent to load anything on anyone i just needed to talk to somebody,we dont know eachother but i dont feel like you are a complete stranger to me since ive been following your blog and i read about what you share,talk and write,for quite sometime now(11)

(12) im truly truly sorry,

okay firstly, never say sorry for feelings and for wanting to express them. you’re always allowed to feel.

i don’t know why you picked me to share this with but i’m honoured.

i’m not the best at advice, i think i’ve made too many mistakes in life to really know anything about what’s going on. but i do know one thing, the major you choose, any choice you make, that doesn’t have to be the be all and end all of things. there’s always another road, a way to make a u-turn, and a way to rectify things.

there’s nothing wrong with not knowing where to go next or what to do or even why you chose the major you did. it’s a little unfair of the world to expect young people to know what they’re doing when sometimes even people who have lived far longer lifetimes seem to just be faking it, isn’t it?

when i graduated college, it was with a science degree, because back then, i liked science and i was good at it. unfortunately, by about a year before graduation, i already knew i never wanted to go near a science lab or a science book ever again. by then, it was too late to change. so, i made a different choice when looking for a job, and in a roundabout way, i’m now in mass communications; a writing job. exactly what college-me didn’t know i wanted.

it’s okay to be stuck and not know what to do, no one ever knows, that’s the beauty of life, we’re all making it up as we go along.

take a first step, just…maybe see what’s out there, what you can do, what you want to do. look for what they’re looking for, if maybe it’s general enough that you fulfil the criteria. i don’t know what major you have right now, but i think many jobs don’t necessarily need a very specific degree, they just need a certain level of education. then you gotta take the leap, and try.

easier said than done, i know. but i believe you can.

no one ever makes perfect choices, that’s why there’s chances in every stage of life to make a u-turn. if you’re wrong, it’s okay, what matters is you try to fix it. and i think you have a heart to do that, even if it’s a little bit harder right now.

and that’s my attempt at advice ahhh. i hope it helped a bit but please disregard everyTHING if it didn’t. i hope it gets easier as time goes by, and i hope you find a road and opportunities that will help. (msg me offanon if you want tho)

[type2diabetestreatments-blog]

Ask D'Mine: Exploring False Lows, Going Aggressive on Fasting Numbers?

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/ask-dmine-exploring-false-lows-going-aggressive-on-fasting-numbers/

Ask D'Mine: Exploring False Lows, Going Aggressive on Fasting Numbers?

Got diabetes? Need advice? Of course you do! And you came to the right place: Ask D'Mine, a weekly Q&A hosted by veteran type 1, diabetes author and community educator Wil Dubois.

Need help navigating life with diabetes? Email us at AskDMine@diabetesmine.com

Wil goes deep this week on blood sugar control issues. Enjoy!

Liz from Oklahoma, type 2, writes: I get lightheaded and shaky even after eating a good meal. My blood sugar is around 118 before the meal—my primary doctor insists on this and feels I don't yet need to go to the Joslin Center. I have been told these episodes may be "false lows." I'd like your input. Thanks!

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Your blood sugar is OK before the meal, but what's your blood sugar after the meal, when you start feeling shaky? Common wisdom holds that after-meal numbers are generally higher, but that's not always true. You need to test after a meal to find out what's really going on.

Here's why: early in the course of type 2 diabetes, your body is totally freaking out. Nothing is quite working to design specifications. In some cases the pancreas over-reacts to food. It produces a huge wave of insulin and can actually cause a low. This is particularly common with high-carb meals. Picture the pancreas getting a telegram that a Grand Slam Breakfast is on the way. Lights flash. Alarm bells ring. In commmmming!

In fact, episodes of hypoglycemia are one of the warning signs that can lead to a diagnosis of diabetes. So you need to check your blood sugar when the lightheaded shakies hit to see if you are actually going low after meals. If so, use the speed-dial to call your doc.

As to the issue of you having "false lows," I doubt it. The term false low, in med-speak called "relative hypoglycemia," is something that happens to people who have been high for a long time, once their blood sugars start to normalize.

The human body is a real champ at adapting to its environment, both external and internal. If your blood sugar has been at 350 night and day for months your body starts to think that's normal. If you take a med that quickly lowers you to, say 200, your body flips out. It only knows you just dropped 150 points and that can't be a good thing; it's forgotten it was too high to start with. All of the hypo warning signs and symptoms are triggered, even though you are still critically high.

So you can feel like you're hypo even if you are nowhere close to it.

But I doubt you are experiencing this because you told me you are running 118 before meals. Relative hypos really only happen when your blood sugar has been elevated all the time for an extended period of time. Ups and downs between normal readings and higher readings won't trigger the effect.

Still, something is causing your symptoms. Check your blood sugar after eating. If nothing unusual crops up, look next to your blood pressure... then your vitamin B or D... then your thyroid... and then...

I hope when they dx'd you they remembered to tell you that having diabetes is like playing a supersized version of Clue... only with higher stakes.

Natalie from Nevada, type 1, writes: My BGs are usually in a reasonably good place — running around 120 fasting and overnight, and 140-180 postprandially. I average about 35u of insulin a day, with 18u of that as basal. I've had diabetes for 20 years, and have no complications. My A1Cs are usually in the 6s. My BMI is 24.0. I do have some insulin resistance, though apparently mild. My question is, is it worth the extra insulin to try get my fastings lower, say in the 80-100 range, and PP's below 140 (per the AACE)? Is there any solid evidence that hyperinsulinemia contributes to cardiovascular disease? Is it better to run somewhat higher than normal BGs or to use more insulin to get them lower?

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Now wait a cotton pickin' minute.

You have a perfect A1C... for two decades.

Your insulin usage is nearly perfectly split at 50% basal and 50% fast-acting.

You have a trim and sexy Body Mass Index.

Your postprandial numbers are nothing short of totally astounding.

Are you really sure you have diabetes?

I'm not convinced.

At the very least, you're making the rest of us look bad. If you keep this up, we may have to kick you out of the family.

So, yeah, OK, your fasting numbers could, in theory, be a little lower. But if the sign says "Danger: thin ice" would you go skating? Frankly, for type 1s, a fasting of 80 makes me queasy. Don't forget that AACE guidelines are for all people with diabetes: both type 1s and type 2s. They are blanket guidelines to cover all the bases. You need to individualize these targets for both you and your diabetes. For T1s like us, 110 or 115 fasting is considered golden. You're pretty darn close.

In terms of complication risk, average blood sugar and blood sugar variability are

both major players. And both are arguably equally damaging. On top of that, recent research, like the ACCORD study, is beginning to point fingers at hypos possibly causing more longer term damage than previously believed.

Why am I blathering on about this? Well, shooting for a fasting of 80 ups the ante on your hypo risk. Given your low average and tight range in the first place, I don't see any significant benefit to you in trying to get it even better.

But of course, that didn't really answer your question, which is about whether hyperinsulinemia, a.k.a. high levels of insulin, might be damaging to your heart. You asked if there's any solid evidence.

(Insert sound of person laughing hysterically to the point of passing out)..... Let me refer you back a few weeks to this column where we discuss that fact that "solid" evidence doesn't exist for anything in medical research. I can't even find any solid evidence that medical research even exists in the first place.

Anyway, forgetting the whole concept of solid evidence for the moment, the role of high insulin levels as a risk factor in cardiovascular disease is one of those things that scientists politely call "controversial." Some studies have shown no link at all. Some studies have shown there's a link. Some studies show maybe there's a link sometimes, in some cases, but a small one.

But a link is only an association. Association doesn't necessarily imply a cause.

Here's the problem with trying to figure out if insulin screws up your heart or not: High levels of insulin are most commonly found in only one place in nature: early-to-mid stage type 2 diabetes where the pancreas is working triple time and nights and weekends to try to overcome the disease's signature insulin resistance with wave after wave of insulin. The problem is, and please don't take offense all you type 2s, there's also a whole lot of other metabolic dysfunctions taking place at the same time. It starts to get very chicken and egg trying to sort out the complex interrelationships between the various markers, much less assign cause and effect to any of them.

And even if it eventually turns out to be true that hyperinsulinemia is a cardiovascular risk factor, it would be a moot point for you. You're literally sipping insulin—35u really isn't that much. A frickin' vial is lasting you a whole month, for crying out loud. Even if you were inclined to fine tune your fasting numbers (a modest increase in your basal would do the trick), I doubt you'd be taking more 45u per day.

Consider that many type 2s use 100u to 150u per day.

You, my dear, don't even qualify to enter the hyperinsulinemia marathon.

And making it double moot is the following: even if hyperinsulinemia is a cardiovascular risk factor, and even if you injected at ton of insulin, you're still talking cats and dogs, apples and oranges. Taking a lot of insulin isn't really the same thing as being hyperinsulinemiaic. If anyone has actually studied the role of injected insulin as a possible cardiovascular risk factor, I'm unaware of it, nor have I been able to find any trace of it on the internet.

The bottom line for everyone is: even if in the future solid evidence for hyperinsulinemia causing heart trouble is discovered, I think it would still be a hell of a stretch to apply that discovery to injected insulin as well.

Bottom line for Natalie is: I don't think more a little more insulin would put your heart at any more risk; but at the same time I think your blood sugar control is already beautiful. I don't think it matters much which way you choose to go.

This is not a medical advice column. We are PWDs freely and openly sharing the wisdom of our collected experiences — our been-there-done-that knowledge from the trenches. But we are not MDs, RNs, NPs, PAs, CDEs, or partridges in pear trees. Bottom line: we are only a small part of your total prescription. You still need the professional advice, treatment, and care of a licensed medical professional.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

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