#why actually talk when im not wanted around? thats just stupid i hate engaging in exercises of futility

[penaltyboxboxbox]

complaining tbd anyways

girl i already hate stupid replies but like why when i draw a picture of lance stating how i like lance, and if you follow my art at all you know i like and support lance as one of my main fucking involvements with this sport, would you comment "yeah this is nice but you know his team HAS to consider replacing him" like. who asked you. not me bitch! in fact im actively turning you into a speck of dust with a giant ray gun for saying that shit to me. like. can you imagine if i went around just replying to every post of a driver i didn't root for being like "cool post but he sucks and doesn't deserve his seat!" like i'd be an asshole right? you acknowledge thats an asshole thing to do? like why the fuck do people talk to lance fans this way like so casually it is so casually easy for people to be like haha yeah your favorite SUCKS ASS and not even have the respect to send it to your ask box. theyll put it right in your replies and your tags and shit. like yeah maybe im sensitive but nobody does this to any other driver i fucking hate it. like everyone crying sobbing toxic environment when nyck lost his seat, losing their fucking minds about how mick deserves a seat despite WHAT FUCKING PROOF but fuck my guy right? its common sense my guy doesnt deserve a seat right? like actually fuck off i dont care what you post on YOUR blog but like why the fuck do force ME to see it. like you so badly want me to concede that i think my favorite driver doesn't deserve to be here? why? why do i have to say that shit to you? why do you have to say that shit to me? it just is so fucking casual and easy for people it seems like it really makes it so frustrating to try to engage w this fandom sometimes like i cant even make an innocuous lance post without knowing some dick head at some point is gonna say something rude and unnecessary

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

A while ago I had a very lovely conversation with @feyres-divorce-lawyer about Tamlin and the way his stans treat him and Feylin and Ive been having a lot of thoughts about that. Essentially, we talked about how Tamlin stans will often claim to be 'better' in some way than Rhysand stans because they dont excuse all of their faves actions but I mean, do they? like actually? I dont mean to generalize because I have seen people who actually dont excuse his actions, but theres an awful lot of people who have posted some variantion of "well, atleast i dont excuse tamlins actions 😊" when they have either previously posted or will go on to post some variantion of "ugh I cant believe feyre would break up with a man who did nothing but upset her, when he was trying so hard and struggling and his actions werent even that bad" or worse, some variation of "feyre's sooooo stupid, if some handsome fae lord wanted me to just wear beautiful dresses and be his pretty little wifeling I would do as he says 😍😍" like hey dawg, I hate to tell you this but thats just straightup misogyny. You can indulge in your fantasies of being a rich magical victorian guy's tradfwife without implying that other women are stupid for not wanting that. Also if you think that and also complain about acomaf and feysand being bad because its just a self-indulgent billionaire's wife fantasy, please consider that you basically want the same thing but with a different aesthetic. Which isnt bad in it of itself obviously, I just find this kind of hypocrisy very annoying

The way I see it, theres a couple reasons why the (positive) discourse around Tamlin is like this:

Tamlin stans get harassed for liking him or even just debunking blatantly false claims from Rhysand stans (such as the claim that Tamlin said Feyre looked better when she lost weight while Rhysand said she looked better when she gained weight which seems oddly persistant, even though I dont think Tamlin ever commented on her weight in acotar, and Im pretty sure that he only commented on how thin she was in acomaf in the context of how bad she looked), so they get very defensive about him, which is understandable

Tamlin is out of character in acomaf which leads a lot of people to dismiss his actions that upset Feyre because "acotar!Tamlin wouldnt do that though!" and like, thats true and I get it but it doesnt really matter when we're talking about their relationship and Feyre's decision to leave him from an in-universe perspective. Like, imagine if someone in your life opened up about how their previously wonderful partner started to exhibit some abusive behaviours and you were like "nooooo theyre just being out of character right now, its fine, you should stay with him". And obviously its different when its real people vs fictional characters, but my point here is that its nonsensical to earnestly engage with this relationship from and in-universe standpoint only to then use an out-of-universe thing that doesnt actually factor into their relationship to explain why it fell apart

Tamlin is less bad than Rhysand, even in acomaf, and excuses for his behaviour sound less ridiculous to people who think more critically about these books, which most Tamlin stans do; "he locked her up in his manor, but only because she was going to get herself in real danger" sounds a lot less ridiculous than "he sexually assaulted her for months on end, but only in order to protect her from drawing Amarantha's attention (when she wasnt even paying attention to her in the first place)", but again, Feyre is still allowed to be upset by that. I feel like theres this line of thinking among certain Tamlin stans where theyre like "yeah, tamlin locked feyre up in the manor and it rightfully upset her, but later on in the series rhysand locked her in a magical shield that prevented her from having any physical interacting with the outside world and she was fine with it, so she shouldve been fine with whattamlin did" and its like no!! If we're using real-world standards, which I understand we are from acomaf onward, then Feyre does not need any kind of justification for breaking up with someone. Tamlin couldve been the most wonderful and perfect and non-traumatized boyfriend ever and it wouldve been perfectly fine for her to be like "hey man, im not really vibing with this" and leave

And this I think is the most important thing because its what the two previous points ultimately stem from; they buy into the foundation of the narrative that these books present, which is that Feyre needs a man in her life, she needs to pick one of these two toxic guys or else her life isnt complete and she wont ever recover from her trauma, she needs good sex and romantic love in order to stop being broken. And I get it, you do need to buy into the narrative in order to properly engage with it, but whats the point of being critical of the misogyny in these books if youre not going to take a step back and realize when youre just accepting it?

And this is where I would have to start getting into the misogynistic baggage thats attached to mainstream romance as a genre and how trying to do all those typical steamy m/f romance tropes (the MOST dominant man, sexually inexperienced fmc, dubcon/noncon, rough sex, etc etc) while also trying to be feminist is setting yourself up for failure as an author, and setting your audience up for failure when they discuss your work, but Im getting tired and this is a pretty long post so Im gonna stop here. If you are interested in my further thoughts on this, idk maybe send me an ask and I'll get back to it. For now, I'll say that I dont think its impossible to write an m/f romance thats feminist, but know for a fact that its impossible for SJM

[ishades]

.

[ringmyheart]

Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like “wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

[i-simp-for-gintoki]

Visiting Yuji in Tokyo

“yuji x reader where she was childhood friends with yuji and its basically the friends to lover sort of thing? and basically reader is visiting tokyo and meets up with yuji for the first time in months?? bonus if gojo and megumi are there :)”-anon

Damn its either super short or long no inbetween huh? Sorry if this isn’t exactly what you wanted! Some of the characters are little ooc (when are they not when i write them-).This turned out much much longer than it needed to be

You and Yuji have known each other since kindergarten

He’s such a sweet kid its always really fun to hang out with him

You guys play lots of video games together and are basically inseparable

Constantly reading manga or watching anime its great

Your parents disapproved of you hanging out with a dude all the time but you could care less

Why should you only be friends with your own gender? Thats so stupid

You always wondered about why yuji had such great strength and speed but he says he was just born that way

Hes just built different

Around middle school his grandpa’s health had dropped and was moved to the hospital

You did your best to make sure yuji stayed in good spirits and often visited the older itadori with him

He’s not the best at wording things but hes always there for emotional support

Maybe it was around 7th grade you noticed something was different around yuji

Like he himself hasn’t changed but whenever you look at him your heart just melts

Your thoughts or compliments seem more filled with love for him and thats when you realized you started to fall for him

Thinking the crush would go away you didn’t act much on it

Oh what a fool you were

Around 8th grade yuji had started acting kinda weird around you

He’d be much more easy to fluster and tenses up for a second if you ever make contact

You confronted him about it and cue the very awkward and middle school like confession

“I really like you!

You were so happy you confessed back and said that the only reason you didn’t before was because you feared to ruin your friendship

He says even if he somehow didn’t like you back that something like that wouldn’t effect anything

From then on you guys are such a wholesome couple

All the cuddles

No fancy dates just casual arcade or movie sort of things

His grandpa gave him a hard time but approved of your relationship

Throughout 8th grade summer and the beginning of highschool everything was going great

But a few months into highschool lots of things happened

Yuji’s grandpa had passed away, he and his friends in the exorcist(?) club had gotten hurt and after that night he had weird markings on his cheeks right below his eyes

And to top it all off now he was supposedly moving to tokyo??

“Yuji why are you moving away? My parents would gladly take you in you know”

He tells you he can’t explain why which breaks your heart

“Who are you staying with then??” he stops for a second and it pains him to lie to you. “A distant relative of mine, he works at a private school and thats where i will be going from now on.”

“But what about us?”

And so you guys decided to do a long distance relationship

Every night when you can you call and chat for hours

But thats not enough

You want to be held or hold him, you want to just cuddle or atleast be in the same room

It pains you to have a relationship through a screen and you grow respect for those who do

Trust isn’t an issue since you know yuji wouldnt even think to cheat at all

Probably doesnt even know what the word means

But after a few months you decide to go to tokyo for a few days

With the help of your parents you rent a room in a hotel and head there

Were just gonna pretend your parents are super super chill(and slightly uncaring like my parents would never let me) and lets you go to a whole city by yourself for several nights

You were super nervous and excited

Its your first time visiting a huge city like tokyo and its gonna be the first time you see yuji in months

Itadori was super excited that you were in tokyo

So excited that he got lost trying to head to the hotel you were staying at

After an extra hour you guys finally meet

He walks through the hotel lobby doors and gives a smile and a wave

In an instant you tackle him in a hug which he GLADLY hugs back in

After just holding each other for a while he decides to show you around

Hes still clearly learning the area himself but he’s very excited to show what he does know

“The place over here makes amazing sushi! Oh! And over here they sell little action figures! Oh oh and over here the steak is kinda bad but its cheap so its worth it! And-” you could only smile as he pointed in random directions with one hand, the other was busy holding yours

Buying food from a bunch of random vendors and wearing silly getups you guys take loads of pictures

Tons of hugs and cheek kisses

Yes its frowned upon to be touchy and stuff in public in japan but honestly you guys could care less

The sun was setting and you guys were currently sitting at a park munchkin on some crepes when you turn to him

“Yuji, do you think i could visit who your staying with? I’d hate to impose but i just wanna know if your in good hands”

His chewing pauses

Its not like he didn’t want you tell about jujutsu

But he doesn’t want you to be apart of that world, he wants you to stay as safe as possible with no harm ever headed your ways

With him being a vessel for sukuna gojo had told him that he and his friends could potentially be targeted

Theres a reason sorceres put up cloaks when engaging in battles and its so normal civilians can continue living in peace without the knowledge these monstrosities actually exist

“Mm its a bit sudden and he’s out on a mis-er meeting right now so maybe tomorrow?” he says

You frown, you can tell he’s lying but he wouldn’t do it without a reason

“Fine. But Yuji. Just know that if you ever feel unsafe or want to come back your more than welcome too. There will always be a spot for you at my home” you say hugging him

You both kinda forgot you were holding crepes and when you pulled away from each other laughed as the ice cream and sauce was smeared all over your shirts/jackets

He walks you back to the hotel and says goodnight with a kiss

The next two days went by in a flash

Just spending time with itadori, even if it was just sitting in silence has been the most fun youve had in months

He had showed you many places and has boughten many small trinkets for you to remember

Your phone has grown about 300 photos just from the past couple days with him

It was about midday of your final day in tokyo and so you both wanted to make the best of it

You both where sitting inside a cafe exchanging stories and just chatting when suddenly two people walked in the cafe

One was very tall and had spiked up white hair and was wearing a blindfold, and the other had spiky/messy black hair

You didn’t think much of it at first but did question the blindfold

‘A fashion choice?’

Turning your attention back to yuji you gave him a soft smile as you listened to his ramblings about a manga

“I love you” you said cutting him off

Immediately his face turned red and whatever he was just saying turned into stuttering nonsense

Before he could respond he let out a short yell when someone placed a hand on his shoulder

It was the two dudes who walked in from earlier

“So this is what you’ve been doing.” “Fushiguro! Gojo sensei!”

The shorter one who looks yuji’s age started talking about how it wasn’t good to turn his phone on mute and go out the whole day

The tall one gives you a wave

“Sorry to interrupt your date but we gotta take yuji away for a bit” he says grabbing yuji’s collar

“Wait who are you guys?” you ask and they pause to give short introductions

“Fushiguro Megumi.” “Gojo Satoru, nice to meet ya miss girlfriend” “How did you know??” Yuji says making gojo laugh

“Its pretty obvious, you didn’t do much of a job hiding it” he says pulling yuji a little bit more.

“O-Oh im L/n Y/n, nice to meet you” you say realizing you forgot to introduce yourself

As the three chatted along with each other, you sat in silence as you tried to remember where you heard gojo’s name from

‘Oh yeah, he’s the one who yuji described as his relative. Even if it was really fast since he tends to change subjects whenever i ask’

“Wait Gojo? White hair...blind fold..are you Yuji’s relative?” you ask making both of them pause

They both turn towards yuji who gave a sheepish smile

“Thats me, im his mothers little cousin” Gojo said, a very quick and random asspull

“So why does he call you Gojo-sensei instead of uncle…Satoru?” “Well if im his moms cousin that would make me his cousin once removed wouldn’t it? And he calls me sensei since im a teacher at a school he goes to”

“And what about you?” you ask the other boy

“A classmate.” he says in a very short and uninterested tone

“Welp lets go” Gojo says dragging yuji but he quickly resists

“Wait wait! Sensei can i please stay? Today is her last day here and i don’t know when i will be able to see her again”

The teacher and student stares at each other for a long time

You have literally no clue what the blindfolded man could but thinking its so hard to read him

Then again you just met him so

Gojo sighs and lets go of yuji

“Just this once, and only because im the greatest sensei you’ve ever had. Lets go megumi. See ya miss girlfriend” gojo says walking away with a wave

Megumi looks surprised but follows him “really?” “Yeah yeah its fine, its only a couple of grade 3’s anywa…” as their voices faded when they left the building you gave yuji a look

“Are you going to get in trouble?” “im probably going to die in training…” “huh?” “nothin”

The rest of the day you guys hang out and its mmm

Yuji would be such a good boyfriend hes so wholesome

When its time for you to part he give you a big hug, kiss and ‘i love you’

You do the same and tear up a bit

With one final photo you head back to your home town

You make it a mission to visit tokyo more often and yuji tries to visit you whenever he can from then on

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

[rosyrosethings]

Harry proposes to Girlfriend who isn’t Y/n.

This is part 3 i wrote 2 different versions of this part. So if you rather see the other version let me know. Idk if i really like this chapter. I’m sorry. But the other chapter I wrote it’s skips time like a year or two in future

Part 1, part 2

Y/n tried to stop doing things with Harry but whenever they seem to be alone they couldn’t keep there hands off one another. Fuck in closets, fuck in bathrooms. This has been going on for weeks. Y/n felt horrible and sometimes she would feel absolutely broken. She couldn’t get a boyfriend so she fuck around with an almost married man. But she did have Keith. Her and Keith were getting a lot closer. But she didn’t want Keith she wanted Harry. Keith would bring Y/n flowers take her out and treat her so

Well. But she didn’t have sex with him. She wouldn’t let him touch her. She never even kissed him. She just wanted Harry and Harry wanted nobody but her. He could not deal with this pretending. He just wanted to sleep next to Y/n and wake up next to her. He feels so stupid realizing it now. But he had to break up with Kendall soon.

Harry has came over to Y/n’s apartment. To spend time with her. He was laying on the couch as Y/n was making grilled cheese sandwich’s and tomato soup.

“Okay lunch is ready.” She said as she came in the living room with the platter of 2 grilled cheeses and 2 bowls tomato soup. Harry sat up as she sat it on the coffee table. She sat down on the couch.

“Okay what movie do you want to watch?” She asked grabbing the remote going through Netflix.

“Let’s watch something romantic.” He suggested dipping his grilled cheese in the tomato soup and taking a bite of it.

Y/n shook her head no. “Nahh rather not they make me realize how no one is ever gonna love me.” She said, scrolling through the action movies.

“What? That’s not true I love you.” Y/n rolled her eyes at his response. “Harry you love me but you’re not in love with me you just like the sex.” She responded. Harry looked over at her and scrunched his face in disappointment. Harry did love Y/n. He wish he could be with her but he couldn’t because he was engaged. He didn’t know how to break it off with Kendall and tell her that he’s leaving her for Y/n.

“I am in love-.” But y/n phone started to ring. She looked down at her phone giving. Her screens slight smile and answering it quickly. It was Keith but Harry knew it was him. Harry really didn’t like Keith. Whenever he was around he touched Y/n and kiss her. Harry thinks Keith does all this stuff to make him jealous.

“Hello...I cant. I’m with Harry at the moment. Maybe tomorrow?” She said, Harry smiled and crawled over to her on the phone. He started to kiss up her neck. Causing her to giggle as Keith was still on the phone trying to get her on a date.

“Keith I said I already made plans with H-Harry.” She stuttered as Harry as started to suck on her neck. She tried to push him off her but he wasn’t having it. “Okay Keith Bye I have to go!” She said as she quickly hung up the phone or at least she thought. But Keith was still on the phone. He was going to hang up untilHe heard her scream Harry’s name.

“Harry!” She giggled as she tried to push him away. “Noo I just want kisses.” He said kissing all over her face. Y/n was smiling from ear to ear. He pulled away and made eye contact with her.

“I love you.” She whispered.

“I love you more.” He replied. She grabbed his face her hands on either sides of his cheeks and she pulled his face towards her till both of their lips were connected. Harry’s mouth moved down from her mouth to her neck to her nipples. Causing her to moan his name. Keith eyes grew wide with every word hmm heard. He disconnected the call. He quickly disconnected the call. Y/n and Harry are having a affair. He knew Y/n loved him but he didn’t think she would betray her best friend. He had to talk to Y/n.

//

Y/n has been smiling ear to ear since earlier today she was with Harry. Harry left because he had work to do. But everyone was coming over her house to chill and a ‘couples movie night.’ Keith decided to come earlier to talk about what he heard over the phone.

“Hey Y/n.. i need to talk to you about something.” He asked as Y/n was setting up the coffee table with snacks and all her dvd choices. He walked up to her she stood up looking at him.

“Yea Keith what’s up?” She asked, looking up at him.

“You remember earlier today. I called and you were busy with Harry?”

“Mhmmmm.” She responded.

“Well you didn’t hang up and I heard you and Harry... and well it sounded like you two were doing more than friendly things.” He said scratching the back of his neck. Y/n eyes grew wide she immediately started to panic.

“I-I.” She stutter but nothing was coming out. If she said anything she knew it would be a lie. “So it is true. You guys have been fucking each other? Woww.” He said shockingly.

“You can’t tell Kendall! If she finds out she would hate me and i don’t wanna hurt her.” She panicked, “I’d do anything.. please just don’t tell her.”

“I want you to stop fucking him.” He said, Y/n looked down at her hands. She didn’t want to do that. Y/n has been in love with Harry her entire life. If she stops the sex. She’s just gonna be his friend and she wants more. She needs more. Harry was everything to her. “But he loves me.” She mumbled.

“Im the one who is actually in love you Y/n. But you’re to caught up him to see that I’m actually here for you. Y/n do you think he loves you when he’s still getting married? You’re his fucking mistress. He’s not gonna leave her. You’re just his whore.” He yelled, y/n heart broke as his words came out of his mouth. She didn’t want to cry but she couldn’t help it. Her eyes started to swell up with tears.

“Y/n I’m sorry but it’s the truth. He doesn’t love you.” He tried to approach her but she stepped back. Followed by a knock on the door. Y/n looked at Keith.

“We didn’t have this conversation and we are both gonna act normal. Okay?” He nodded Y/n did a quick pivot on her foot and went to the door opening it revealing Harry and Kendall.

“Hi beautiful!” Ken said immediately engulfing Y/n in a hug. That hug felt so good to be in that presence she loved it. She wanted to cry on her best friend shoulder so bad the truth hurt so much. It felt like it just smacked Y/n in the face. Y/n hugged Kendall back.

“Are you okay? Y/n what’s wrong?” Harry asked knowing his best friend was hurt. “I’m fine I just really missed Kendall .” Y/n said stuffing her face in my shoulder. “Aww babe I missed you too.” Kendall said As her and Y/n pulled away from the hug and as all 3 of them made their way into the apartment.

“Okay guys what movie first?” Y/n asked, Harry sat on the recliner. Kieth sat on the end of the couch. Y/n sat on the opposite end of the couch. You could tell they were upset at each other.

“Hold I’m Let’s talk and catch up. What’s going on with you two? ” Kendall said, sitting on Harry’s lap. Her arm going over his shoulder. Harry was looking at Y/n. He knew something was up with her. “Yea what’s going on with you guys?” Harry’s asked also concerned. He knew Keith did something to piss Y/n off.

“Y/n’s mad at me after I said some stupid things to her because i was angry.” Keith said, looking over at Y/n. Y/n still avoiding eye contact with him.

“Did you mean any of the things you said to her?” Kendall asked. Y/n looked over at Keith wanting to know the answer to that question. Keith nodded.

“What was the Thing you meant?” Y/n asked,

“That I’m in love with you.” He said scooting closer to her. Kendall broke into a cute smile. So did Y/n. “Aww Keith thats was so cute.” Y/n said using her hands to cover her face. Harry wasn’t happy with what he was seeing. Y/n was happy to hear that he was in love with her and she did love Keith not as much as she loved harry. But maybe she should focus on Keith more. Keith kissed her cheek pulling her hands away from her face. “I’m sorry, i shouldn’t have been so harsh.” He said.

“It’s okay you were right.” She said looking at him. His blue eyes and blonde hair she realized how beautiful the man was in front of her. She leaned in and was so close to kissing him. They were interrupted by Harry clearing his throat. Y/n looked over at him with a glare. He was already glaring at her.

“Harry why would you?” Kendell yelled whispered. She’s only doing this to get his attention he thought. So Harry got up and moved Kendall to the side of him. Sitting in between Keith and Y/n.

“Okay guys. No one will be kissing my best friend tonight soo lets watch a movie.” Harry announced. Putting his arms around y/n shoulder. “C’mon Kendall you sit next to your guy friend.” He said, Kendall rolled her eyes sitting in between Harry and keith.

After the picked a movie to watch after 30 minutes into the Great Gatspy. Harry asked Y/n can he talk to her privately. She nodded and followed him into her room and they close the door behind him.

Keith looked over at Kendall. “What do you think they’re gonna talk about?”

“Harry’s really protective over Y/n. Y/n is like his little sister. so I’m gonna assume they’re talking about how he doesn’t like you.” She said with a half smile. Keith thought it was cute how much she trusted Harry. If she only knew that Harry was fucking her best friend.

“What? Y/n asked looking at Harry

“What the hell was that with you and Keith?” He asked his face scrunched in anger. “He loves me and I..”

“He loves you? I love you Y/n..” he said approaching her slowly. She looked down at her hands. “I love all of you.. your smile, your stupid laugh, and don’t even get me started on your chocolate skin.” He said placing his hand under her chin making her look up at him and he took both of her hands into his. “I want you all to myself.” He said as he kissed her lips. She kissed back.

“Harry you cant have both of us.”

“All i want is you.. I haven’t touched her in weeks. She’s getting suspicious when i don’t wanna have sex. After being with you. I haven’t touch her.”

“Harry I don’t wanna hurt her.”

“Me either but I can’t do this anymore. I want to wake up with you. I’m not gonna pretend anymore.” He said,

//

Soon kendell and Harry soon arrived home. Harry was going to break up with her but he didn’t love her anymore.

“Kendall can we talk?” He asked, as they were in the bedroom in their pajamas.

“Yea babe what’s up?”

“I don’t wanna be with you anymore.” He said, avoiding eye contact with her. He sat on the foot of the bed as Kendall was sitting up against the headboard. She laughed “what did you say?”

“I don’t wanna be with you..” he said, she got off the bed and walked over to him. “Did i do something?” She asked asked she stood in front of him. He stood up immediately. “Noo no no. It’s not you, it me.”

“Is there someone else? “ she asked, he didn’t answer her.

“Harry.. then why the hell would you propose to me?” She said, not even looking at him her eyes on the ring of her fingers. “I was j-just i don’t know.” He answered

“Whatever Harry. I’d be gone tomorrow.” She said as she turned around she stop in the door frame.

“Do I know her?”she knew it was Y/n those two have been way more friendly then usual. She seen the way they have been looking at each other lately. They smile to much and hug too much. “It’s Y/n isn’t it?” Her eyes swelled with tears. She kept her back towards him. So he wouldn’t see the pain her face.

“I’m sorry Kendall.”

@sushiabby @havethetimeeofyourlifee @kingyerim @myescapefromthislife

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[murcidea]

aight under the cut is my notes i took, I wrote down all of sugimuras lines in the game Sans the shadow sugimura as that was a cognition of okumuras and added commentary about how i take them. so. here. under the cut. if you dont know what these events are then sorry man. its in order, the first meething with him, the confidant where u meet him, and then in that one cutscene where every1 thinks akira is dead.

you made me look everywhere for you... 

(genuinely annoyed. where the fuck was she? he has obligations to spend time with her and would rather not waste it searching for a person he already dislikes.)

What were you doing somewhere without reception? Out late with guys--Thats it. Isn't it? 

(he doesnt think she was at all. He knows her too well. In his eyes shes a prudish little girl, theres no way she was doing  that. hes being a bitch to make her upset. he wants her to hate him. maybe this will be what finally pushes her over the edge and makes her ask her dad call it off. he has no clue that kunikazu is so awful that he would allow her to be literally abused. he thinks hes better than his own father at teh very least becuase shes so gentle. he must be kind to her unlike his dad.)

C'mon, let me have some fun too, will ya? 

(in the off chance he would never have agreed to go through with it. he doesnt want to fuck her. hes not that depraved, hes more into actual adults than highschool girls. sure shes legal but good lord no thanks. he would probably just call her a slut and laugh at her for thinking he wanted her.)

Can't you do that for me?

(same as above, hes just trying to scare her.)

//gasp// What the-- Goddamn cat! Will you shut up you stupid cat?

(under normal circumstances he would not have kicked a cat at all but he was genuinely scared. Hes a jumpy person by nature and morgana scared the fuck out of him. when he told the cat to shut up it was more him paniced. He was thinking more along the lines of "please be quiet while i think about what to do oh dear god i hope its not hurt but im so fucking mad." hes got irrational anger issues. he would go home later and regret it so badly he adopts a cat to make up for all hes done to the one (morgana) he kicked earlier.)

Sorry about the disturbance. It's just a... lovers quarrel with my fiance. 

(saving face. His father is cruel and making him look bad would get him great punishment from his father. He doesnt want to have to fist fight or anything. god that would suck.)

How dare you make a fool of me. i'll be telling your father about this too. I won't forget your faces. 

(he realizes theres no point in saving face now. theyre cunty little teenagers. he hates them as his nights already been bad enough. theyre on the shit list and he hopes they go fuck themselves. even then he doesnt hate them 100% id say its about 55%, hes not truthfully a hateful person, mostly apathetic.)

----

Haru? I was just heading home from a business engagement when i saw you from my car window.

(he wanted to see her as he saw the opproutunity to harass her about hanging out with akira. no other reason.)

Hm? Do I know you from somewhere? .....!

Youre one of those brats from before... 

( He knew this from the get go, hes just a very good actor.)

...Hold on, Haru. You think you can go on a date with another man and leave your fiance in the dust?  

(he couldnt care less, hes got an obligation to be sure she doesnt make them look bad however. as much as he hates to interfere hes gotta be sure she doesnt ruin either his or her reputation. this is all to upset her but also an obligation to be sure shes not fucking up.)

Oh yeah? And what about the contract I made with your father? Are you sure about that? Think about the reparations clause. If you back out of the deal now, you will lose everything you own. Okumura Foods, your estate... And what about your employees? Are you really willing to put their jobs on the line for the sake of your selfishness?

(it was his fathers idea to say these things if it ever came up, hes going along with it out of obligation. a bit afraid to go against his intentions as he can easily cut yutaka out of the family and their money.)

Besides this marriage is exactly what Okumura Foods needs right now. My father would have no trouble managing your shares or sweeping away your company's tarnished image.

(ah this line. exactly what made me think that perhaps sugimura is not as evil as he seems. theres someone behind him pulling the strings. he doesnt say he will fix it, no, its his father. hes just a playing peice in his fathers plan, not unlike haru.)

That reminds me, did Takakura-san tell you about the wedding hall? He got us the Phoenix wing at the Wilton. He made a provisional reservation for ten days this coming spring. After all, The sooner the better. We'll have to look into our guests' schedules as well. There'll be over three hundred of them, you know.

(yeah he wants it the fuck over with. he doesnt want to marry her at all no. but he thinks making the deadline closer will make her more likely to panic and drop out of this arrangement all together. he knows she must hate him. he hopes she pulls out.)

Takakura-san can handle Okumura Foods in the meantime. Why don't You go stop by the gym or something, Haru? I mean, if you have time to mess around with this punk, you damn well have time to get a little thinner.  

(straight up hes being a rude ass he loves thicc bitches.)

I'm out of here.

-----

I believe your father can rest in peace now. That phantom thief could never have changed anything. Only a handful of people are qualified to alter the world.

(he says this very pompously but its actually the result of him watching powerful people stand by while he's suffered his whole life. He doubts that the phantom thieves are even really doing anything worthwhile. not like they can help everyone. he hates the false home he thinks they're giving people.)

So you've been coming home late. Thats what I've heard. I make a good playmate, you know.

(obligatory creepiness as she STILL hasn't called off their arrangement god DAMN IT PLEASE HARU. he does talk like this for real with people hes into tho. ngl.)

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

[coalessscence]

one of my favorite worst things to Think About are the ways herb’s casually neglectful childhood sometimes just....surfaces in the every day world of his life now. and since his whole shtick is my childhood was perfect my father is basically god and i have absolutely no parent issues idk what ur talking abt, he winds up having to flail, having to learn on the way down, and try to keep up a cover that he knew all along. which, usually, doesn’t work, and just makes it all the more sad. here’s a few examples i’ve thought of because i don’t love myself:

someone around the station gets stuck with something metal and comments they might need a tetanus shot. herb was definitely never taken to the doctor’s for a checkup and regular vaccinations as a child, and since he works daytime hours lucille takes the kids while he’s at work, so he literally has never had a shot and he doesn’t fully understand what vaccines are, aside from cultural osmosis, so he asks in telling confusion, “what’s that supposed to mean?” @piper-aileen-lenox specifically, thnx for making me think of this and ruining my life xx

when herb and lucille moved in together (i imagine they were engaged but maybe not married just yet) lucille made it clear to her rather sexist fiance that she was expecting him to tow the line around the house just as much as her, which he agreed to, except when she asked him to do the grocery shopping thinking that was a harmless thing he could do (not like she’d trust him to actually get the dishes clean or fold her clothes so they don’t wrinkle). they almost never had food consistently in the house growing up and if they did eat full meals, they only had the food for THAT MEAL around because 1. herb sr. and ruby (herb’s parents) lived an erratic lifestyle of little to no money or a whole lot of money but only for a second because it was burning a hole in herb sr.’s pocket, and because 2. ruby quickly learned spending money on food ahead was pointless because either herb sr. hecked off somewhere w/o warning and it went bad, or his deadbeat friends hung around and ate it all, so she only bought for that day if they had the money for anything. but since no one was ever around to TEACH herb anything and he figured most things out on his own, herb doesn’t understand all this and he literally thinks you’re not supposed to by food until you run out or that you have to throw out whatever you have left at the end of the week because....... who knows ???? that’s just what he thought. it caused multiple arguments early into herb and lucille’s relationship before she figured it out and explained it to him because he didn’t know well enough to ask.

when herb and lucille’s first child, bunny, was born, he had to be shown how to hold a baby by the doctor. he had literally never held or even interacted with a baby before until that moment. he had no siblings (that he knew of), he had no friends as a child because if he wasn’t the bully he was the target and he was an ass just like dear old dad so no one liked him anyway, and he had 0 other family. lucille realized in that moment as she watched his palpable confusion when she extended their newborn child to him that he was going to have a lot of learning and growing to do. she hoped he was ready for it.

god that time there was a station fam barbecue early into herb’s wkrp career and someone, maybe mr. carlson, is like ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE GRILL MASTER’ like its a big deal and everyone is like oh it has to be herb bc he’s the newest out of us and hes aware all the men see it as a status symbol and he CAN’T be less of a man than another man bc Ego (tm) so hes like of course im the grill master !!! and then panics for the next thirty minutes because he’s literally never even stood next to a grill let alone used one HOW DOES IT WORK the first fifteen minutes he doesnt even have the gas on rip

when herb was, like, 15, he taught himself how to drive a car because one of his “friends” (peers who was a bully that he called a friend and hung out with to stop also getting bullied but who was still bullying him anyway, herb was just brainwashed into thinking that’s what friendship is) wanted them to go out cruising and herb wanted to be a Cool Guy and not look like a chump so he lied and said he could drive. they got pulled over, because of course they did, and herb got in big trouble for you know, driving w/o a licences. the kicker though is that herb didn’t fucking know you can’t drive without a license or that licenses and road tests and drivers ed were even a THING because he literally raised himself and no one ever  t a u g h t   h i m   a n y t h i n g. anyways his dad got called home to deal with it from wherever he was away at at the time and he got in big trouble for interrupting dear old dad’s work anyways so :) what a healthy family

surprisingly, herb DID know how to cook the basics. grilled cheese, pasta, stir fries, a couple casseroles. lucille asked him about it because he was always such a Gender Roles (tm) type of man who wouldn’t even wear a brighter shade of red than like. maroon. in case it got loosely contaminated with the concept of the color pink and he’d have to change his name and move to alaska. so why was he doing a “ womans job “ (cooking) and herb just looked confused and said “what, guys don’t cook?” she told him that no, they usually didn’t and would have laughed at her if she tried to make them, and he laughed awkwardly and absently stirred the pot on the stove and shrugged in mild confusion. “that’s weird. if i didn’t cook i’d have... starved, i guess.”

the bad news is his cooking wasnt GREAT and lucille was happy to take over because again.........self taught. and he has one (1) brain cell so. not Great

LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW ALL CLOTHES DON’T HAVE TO BE DRY CLEANED. his dad literally wore clothes that had to be dry cleaned Every Day (and we wonder why the tarlek family was short on the food budget god) (and they were ugly clothes too akdhfjfg) and ofc if ruby washed her clothes, it was while herb was at school. he dry cleaned so many clothes that do Not Make Sense to dry clean in college before he slowly figured that out.

did not know what an allowance was. bunny asked him for one and not willing to seem stupid to his swift daughter he told her to ‘ask her mother’, who thought it was hecking weird that her money obsessed husband would say that, so she asked him why and after several long minutes he just shrugged helplessly and said “what’s an allowance?”

don’t even get me started on herb and lucille planning their wedding ( ‘what kind of stuff should we put on the gift register?’ “put on the WHAT?”  ‘what are we going to put on top of the cake?’ “there’s gonna be CAKE?”  ‘i can’t wait for daddy to walk down the isle with me, it’ll mean a lot to him’ “your DAD is gonna walk you down the isle....?? but you’re marrying ME, right?”   ) also herb not knowing the wedding look of the bride is supposed to be a Secret and barging into the room w a question or smth while lucille and her bridesmaids are getting ready, and everyone is hella miffed and he’s like WHAT i’ve seen her naked before and theyre all like THATS NOT THE POINT HERB

herb did Not Know about seasonal allergies. he just........didn’t know. he just thought god hated him and every spring and fall his head sprung a leak. and the whole time he was growing up no one A. listened to him complain about them and put 2 and 2 together, nor B. just taught him about basic first aid stuff in general for that matter he doesnt know shit. anyways, then lucille was like why are you such a tough guy just stop complaining and take some medicine for your stupid allergies and he was like take some what for my what now

ANYWAYS herb’s mom left while he was v young and he doesn’t remember much about her. herb’s dad was literally   n e v e r   home. the people herb’s dad left him with would work for obscenely low amounts of pay or owed herb sr. money and largely used all the money for their own food, drugs, alcohol, or other more unsightly business, and left herb alone to fend for himself. this is the disaster human that that produced, thanks, family dynamics! don’t abandon your children, kids, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pinkletterday]

The Flash 5x4!!!

I am HYPED, you guys! FINALLY WE FIND OUT WHAT'S UP WITH MOMMA AND BABY.

Whatever it is Im going to deeply empathize with and love both of them.

Idk who this stupid af bitch is running straight into a blazing hail of fireballs and trying to take selfies but I hate her.

Iris. Iris. Baby. Hahahahaha Nora knows what a disaster her Mom is in the kitchen. I love you sfm Iris.

Hey Nora this version of your Mom just met you so hold back on the teenage sass, okay?

Ok this isnt funny anymore my heart is aching for Iris.

Young lady sit back down and eat that breakfast your Mom made for you.

"Make you a banana" lmaoooo this is why Barry does all the cooking. Gawd I love the domesticity.

I love that Iris can't cook. It just adds to her perfection. I guess I really am a fool in love, huh?

Oh God this guy. Shut up shut up shut up. Did this buffoon just call Cisco Ramon not brave???

I wish Ralph would take the lead here. That's right, I like Ralph now. This season is magic.

I would find this softball thing adorkable and hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that Barry is literally the Flash. It doesn't make a lick of sense. Would have been much more interesting if Barry had turned into a star athlete overnight and everyone just boggled.

Otoh it provides an interesting (read: hilarious) look at their dynamic growing up. Their different dorknesses cancel each other out.

I am irked. Why is the Flash a hopeless athlete? HE CATCHES KNIVES OUT OF THE AIR. How does he just switch off his co-ordination?

Kinda nice seeing all the ladies together like that though. Cecile is a gift.

NORA IS A GAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL WE HAVE A BABY QUEER IN THE HOUSE aaaaaand you are seriously trying my patience here. Be rude to your mother one more time. See how that goes.

Oooh Momma Bear is on the case! *hearteyes*

See, Baby Giraffe is already better at this than The Fraudulent Frenchie.

I hate to say it but based on that lumberjane chic I think we have another queer in the house. But this one we don't want.

Loool "like her size extra small". I hate to say it but thats a way better reason for her codename than "excess" ugh.

No it was different because she never knowingly put the people she was writing about in danger you asshat. God I wish you weren't so pretty.

Another black man wrongly accused. What up, America.

...Joe what. You guys. Jesse Martin looks bad. IS HE OKAY I AM SERIOUSLY CONCERNED.

Momma coaching Baby through speedster things! Because Barry taught her that one time she was a speedster. I can't handle this. My heart.

She FINALLY thanked her! Iris's smile.

My girls. I can't.

OMG SOMEONE REMEMBERS EARLY EDITION! I loved that show!

Also. Iris West, ace reporter, always better than fake hoes. Watch and learn, padawan.

Am sad we're not getting any Cisco Ramon. I hope Carlos is enjoying his mini-vacay. Otoh, I really like that Caitlin is included in the West-Allen circle this ep.

I wonder why Nora doesnt call Cait and Cisco Aunt and Uncle. They must be the godparents.

It's okay Ralph. Some leads don't pan out. If Shitloque was an actual detective he'd know that.

But I love that the heroes of Central City can walk around in public and interact freely. Oliver's team would need to break in and scare the bejesus out of some poor unsuspecting sod.

NORA IS A DISASTER LESBIAN CONFIRMED. Or probably a disaster bi like her Dad. I AM LOVIN' THIS.

THAT MOMENT WHEN THE PENNY DROPS FOR BARRY THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS A GAY LMAOOO

Fuck I love that Iris never even blinked when Nora said Spencer was cute. She probably sussed it way before. I love you Momma West-Allen.

Oh no oh no I was right. Iris pulled a Joe West. Goddamn it. I mean I get why, I get how traumatized and scared she must have been but IRIS NO YOU DON'T LIE TO YOUR CHILDREN TO PROTECT THEM. Remember how you felt when your Dad did that to you?

I am legit heartbroken, you guys. I really wanted to be wrong. I blame Joe West's goddamn patriarchal shitty parenting for perpetuating this cycle of lies.

I swear to God if this show tries to justify lying and manipulating your kid again I'm going to give up on it. It's triggering as all fuck (I still havent recovered from S1 and 2) and I need Iris to be held accountable when she fucks up, not let her turn into another Fefe who can do no wrong.

Jesus Christ Iris, trying to force a conversation with Nora by invading her privacy and ignoring her need for space is not okay. BOUNDARIES, girl.

Oh okay but she's holding herself accountable thank fuck. I mean, Barry's right she can't be blamed for what she might do in the future but IT'S STILL WRONG.

I was actually shaking. Friendly reminder that survivors of parental abuse and manipulation are also watching this show, some of us with CPTSD.

"What if my Dad did something like that to you"?? Er. Iris? Remember when he lied to you for twenty years about your mother being dead and you didn't talk to him for six months?

Oh here we go. You've stood there like a gormless beanpole for three episodes without so much as trying to intervene Barry and this is how you choose to comfort your wife. Not "yes, it's a bad thing and we can't know what led you to the choices future you made but in the here and now you know not to. We can learn from the future and make different choices, Iris."

PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT, CAITLIN.

...I just meant for frightening Caitlin, but he actually wants to be punched?

Ooooh that was satisfying! Pretty sure her form was all wrong but can't argue with the results.

I love how fucking competent Iris is??? She knows how to use the entire STAR Labs tech arsenal. Although that Vibe device kinda defeats the whole purpose of breechers. It's like if they had a device lying around that could give just anyone super speed.

Not sure how Spencer thinks XS can kill Flash. One's a n00b and the other is veteran.

Wait, Baby Flash can do what now?

I don't like that they had to dumb Barry down so much to give Iris a chance to shine. A couple can both be competent at the same time! It's called being a power couple! Not one-half Idiot Ball couple!

So her phone got powers? Huh??

Ah yes. Dark Matter. More multi-purpose than Quantum.

Okay cool Ralph is getting his due. "Less right" LOL

"That puts meta-human powers in the hands of anyone" kinda like having a Breeching device, no?

We have meta-humans, meta-phones, meta-daggers (a tech dagger??) HOLY SHIT WHAT IF THE DARK MATTER HIT A HOME DEPOT?? How many people now have meta-vacuum cleaners? Meta-dishwashers?? Meta-can openers??

Oh God. No. Not this.

No. You do not lie and manipulate your kids to protect them. You do not do that. Love is no justification.

Don't Barry don't. Stop stop.

I can't watch this. FUCK YOU.

FOR GOD'S SAKE SHE'S CRYING AND SHAKING YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMFORT HER AND MAKE HER FEEL SAFE NOT STAND ON YOUR PILE OF BULLSHIT WITHOUT GIVING A FLYING FUCK.

No, cry all you want. I have no sympathy for either one of you callous asshats. You fucking destroyed that girl. Fuck Joe West for having raised you to think this way.

Yeah no Joe West is not who you want to go to in these matters, Nora.

I don't even care about Cicada anymore.

I should have known this show would never get any less gross.

Look, I was fully prepared to be sympathetic to Iris, traumatized, alone and single mother to a meta-child in a dangerous world to have made some bad decisions. And I do empathize. But I wasn't prepared for present-day Barry and Iris to justify and rationalize that shit. I thought they were going to say "That was a bad thing your Mom did. I'm sure she thought she was protecting you but she may have lost sight of how much it hurts to have your choices taken away from you. But I'm not that woman, Nora. I know I could never bear to see you hurting like this. I can still make better choices. Please give me a chance?"

Not "No I am your Mom and everything I do is right and good because I love you, I'm sorry if you feel hurt about it but them's the facts."

They did this when Barry and Joe lied to Iris all through S1, when Joe lied to Iris about her mother. This show is still all about apologia for lying and manipulation because LOVE AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND TO PROTECT YOU BY DISRESPECTING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND TAKING AWAY YOUR AGENCY.

Parental love is not a justification. Most abuse takes place at the hands of parents who really believe they're doing it for their children's protection. Please never say "your parents have every right to hurt you to protect you because they love you". Do you even care at all.

I'm not okay. Gonna take a break from fandom for a while. Can't deal with people taking Iris's side to protect their Westallen feels. Fuck both of them.

I'm posting this but please don't engage me to argue about it. Massively triggered.

[kikclick]

Angry people

Angry is the easiest feeling to be expressed out carelessly. A person nt in control of his will power will without thinking throw a tantrum, spew mean words and feed their own ego and we always take that risk of saying things that is irreversible. We know it'll hurt n assured that we won't do it again and be better BUT only to succumbed and let yourself give in to it.

But, what's intriguing is someone who can in the midst of angry fits still surpressing the dire need to burst on impulse calmly smile and knows that a waste of negative energy spent is a waste of ones precious moment.

It could destroy something you have build Relationship, rapport.. Friendship..just because protecting your ego with might while standing on your self manifested pedestal is more satisfying than accept a different views.. Those are short term satisfaction. Anger is never an 'appreciating assets' u might think u hurt 1 person but boy how naive you are that u forgot that surrounding eyes are watching u. Strangers who doesnt know u already seen the worst of you. What a fucking waste..

But wait, calm yes getting back to it. Being calm is almost like a through years of training and countless times of impulsive burst of anger you finally said fuck this shit. Wake up the next day and decide to smile more often and bearing murphys law in mind, wise to know the repercussion ahead of his action Is someone i think have won his battle with himself but still find a better solution to problem.

Im 1 angry guy. I felt like a cb everytime i let the devil take over control. It's like im being rape and helpless while im feeding the evil pride in me. Comes to a point whereby while im busy showing people im angry and belittling the guy im engage with i have that faint disappointing feeling at myself. But as usual, whack only later can talk. So, when that later comes and finally u let that faint voice out to speak, you have wasted many n possible thousands positive reaction just because you think you can doesnt mean you should homeboy.

It's hard having anger management . Harder when that's our only way to vent. Because loud gets attention and being loud while making sure you're in everyone bad rep list soothes your man pride.

I'm just ranting coz felt like a need to put it into words. And to put it here in public is so that my life struggles are my anger..because i chose self b4 others. Im selfish.

Fuck up part is that split second before gg to a full blown gayest rage ever you already set the chain of reaction. I fucking knew what the outcome, if people were hurt.. Causing nuisances to other but sadly i am blinded.

What im saying is alcohol destroy moral, substance abuse i find it funny why isit subtance abuse when you're actually abusing yourself with substance? These group forgo relationships to feed his addiction so on so forth.. This are accompanied by an object.. But anger is affiliated nothing physical or instigators. Yet we could inflict if not as much at least irreparable damage. Those 2 despicable addiction is curable. Take the alcohol off or drug from the abuser. Make it zero accessibility for the abuser and u solve a problem. Relapsses occur if he found new means to acquire his vice. But as long become sober and engaged healthily im sure he wld prefer sobriety than being in the limbo.

But anger is nothing compared to convincing bunch of fools thats people see the stupidity in them tat they tot its an achievement. Anger resides deep inside the crevices of your heart and its attached itself closely to short term memory in your brain. Why short term? Cz u angry u got time ah to think what happen years ago. You only want that quick flash of memory and say heyyyy fuck it same ol routine let's donk it. Then hell break lose.

For those like me or have your loved ones struggling managing their big pride small ego, never stop encouraging them through their small little achievemnt as simple that time how they isolate themself away from source of anger. I would sit and cuddle my knees and just breathe heavily sometimes i would cry butost of the time i forced feed my thoughts and rationalise my action. It can take longer trying to talk yourself out. At this crucial moment. It takes another bigger person, whos is the victim of the angry person to come to him and tell him, hey while ur trying calm yourself, you achieved to be im control of your impulsive action. Small but with constant uplifting words and encouragement, the person who use to be angrier than the word itself will surprise u that they are actually a fucking nice chap.

We're only human. Share the blame and help us who struggle with our anger by telling us u recognise that we're trying and this time round, i see your struggles. No more reason and excuse of people only wants to see you angry because its your weakness. And it is you not people who chose to portray your ugly side and play victim by saying all they see is your negativity.

Self before others, happy reign over sadness. Resentment is the route to self entitlement and ignorance. There's a reason why i grow into an adult and leave the adolescent phase because no dhit sherlock.. I am suppose to leave that childish behavior long ago amd grow into something much more wise and tolerant individual.

Remember words from a wise old green thing.

.. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. You suffer nvm ok. Your pasal. You hurt other u dai.. Its locked down in their bad memories and until u chose to change and accept changes, boy you're in for a long ride. The jokes on u if you remain the same coz you're missing out social interaction. Be in control of yourself coz thats shapes your tmr. What's the hype keeping negativity when being happy sparks more euphoric feeling and accepted socially . Shun your ego that god has embedded in you just so u cn mess around and devulged in it. Like me, i had too much time feeding it. But no, things will change. Once this is posted. This is my recovery. Rehabilitation to a happier fendi.. My war. If you're caught in argument with me, let me be the ones spouting nonsense. Engage with me in softer but confident tone of voice. And i will eventually realise im the retarded ones and Shut my fucking ass mouth up...thats when u step in n look for queues of me realising my bodoh. Help me and tell me that hey. U pick the right choice and domt feel like your helpless cz u chose to be calm. Its 1 small step to better days..and we will see u through it.

So... If want to cibai.. Dont cibai like the world is yours. Because got bigger cibai u havent met amd your small penis problem is nothing compared to the cats u neutered. Nabei your cock problem cannot handle want to intervene into some inmocent animal problem.

Nights. Remember if its too good to be true, it is.

From your angry ego bruised boy.

Bruised bane loll

[kandadiff]

Isla Paradiso 4

-- Katya -- 

Since coming to the Island a few days ago Katya left just in time to be blissfully unaware of most of the fallout that came when her and taehyung went on Jessi’s Show!terviw to announce their relationship. She got a few hints at it but PSY and Draven were insistent we get to the vacation house first. And of course there was no rule about not having your phone, you could but she didn’t want to really speak to anyone or see the hate she might have been getting from dating the most popular member of BTS. Plus, the house and two computers which she could FaceTime her family. Today one of her sisters, the second oldest just behind her, wanted to speak with her and with the fight two days ago she could go with some family time. Out of everyone in funhouse with the exception of possibly Makayla, Katya was closest to her family, which consisted of three younger sisters (Marisha [18], Annika[14] and Galina[7]) and her father Viktor, and frequently spoke to them.

Katya logged into her laptop and logged into the wifi ignoring the emails and turning off the notifications of her social media and clicked the FaceTime button before clicking Marisha’s name. It rang for a few before the face of her sisters, Marisha and Annika smiling and waving at her showed on the screen. “Hi! How is it?” Marisha asked looking around trying to see behind her sister but seeing only the wall.

“Katya! Show us the house!” Annika whined.

“It is huge, and Tae says hi” Katya smiled and Taehyung waved from the corner playing where he was painting with Makayla. Katya began telling her very curious sisters about the house and all the rooms and the inhabitants who were with her at Annika’s insistence. They spoke about the house for about half an hour, Annika pointing out all the people that walked behind or next to Katya whispering Hi’s shyly until  her father walked in to frame with little Galina and asked Marisha to take her younger sister to wash up while he spoke to Katya. They made small conversation while the girls went out the room. Tae walked over respectfully bowing to her father and greeting him politely. 

“Good afternoon T, you look well.” Viktor always called Taehyung T, after not wanting to offend her long time boyfriend for failing to pronounce his name correctly. Honestly he could pronounce it fine it was just his nerves. Taehyung returned the sentiment before resuming his painting trying to mimic Makaylas effortless brush strokes.  “❄️Yekarina, I heard you came clean about your relationship with T.” Katya nodded and her father continued with an almost worried smile.  “❄️I heard Annika speaking with Marisha about it, and I worry about you. Not a lot of people are taking it as good news as we are. Have you seen it?”

“❄️I haven’t went looking, if they cannot support me then I do not want to see it.” She admitted and he nodded.

“❄️Still Yekarina, You must face it rather then ignore it, you and him can face it together. What has he said about it?”

“❄️He wants us to release a statement and we’re trying to figure out what to say.” She shrugged “❄️I knew it would be hard but this is silly. If a man or woman I admired found happiness then I would be happy for them not angry.” Her father agreed. 

“❄️Still however,” he sighed and Katya knee by the look in his face it wasn’t great news. “❄️A small group of girls dropped this off with the guard in front of the house for you.” He went towards a cabinet to high for even Katya to reach and pulled out a box wrapped in blue and green like a present. Katya watched as her father opened it. He sighed pulling out a stuffed animal of a penguin, which was her funhouse animal. But this plushie was mangled, razors sticking out of its stomach and red paint placed in spots so it looked like blood. He pulled out a letter from the box and opened it so she could see it. Her eyes scanned over it and her eyes widened as she read the ‘fans’ angrily letter cursing her and her father finished with the letter spitting over his shoulder to avoid the bad luck promised in the letter, she did the same. Thats when Taehyung stopped painting and turned his head back. He knew spitting over your shoulder was a way to ward bad luck and while he knew a few sentences in Russian he could only make put a few words from their fast speech. None of which, when put together made sense to him. “❄️No matter if you make your statement now or in weeks, after your vacation you should come back here. In Korea, they are crazed and I do not trust them. Bring T too. You’ll be safer here.”

“❄️ I worry about you and the girls” Katya sighed her mind filled with all terrible things that could happen to her siblings or father. “❄️If they know I live there...”

“❄️Over here the police come” he snapped his fingers “❄️do not worry about me or your sisters. We will be safe and I will speak with them, you my little fish, please be careful.”

“❄️I will.” She assured and heard Galina’s high-pitched voice calling for her father. Viktor gave a small chuckle.

“❄️I have to go” He said and she nodded. “❄️Stay safe, Yekarina, I love you.”

“❄️I love you.” she said and they both smiled at each other as she hung up the call. Curious and worried Taehyung looked at Katya and she sighed her once cheerful demeanor gone. 

“Whats wrong?” He asked turning his attention fully towards her. Makayla looked at them and put down her stuff.

“Should I leave?”

“No.” Katya shook her head as she began to tell them about what happened with the present left for her. Taehyung instantly got upset wanting to go on V-Live and yell at whoever had the gall to do that but Katya and Makayla managed to calm him down enough where he decided to ask Namjoon and Katya and Makayla could figure out a rough draft of the statement they wanted to give. 

Taehyung went upstairs to Namjoon’s room where the older boy was sitting on his bed reading a thick book. “Whats wrong?” He asked watching the younger member rummage through the box he purposely kept in Namjoon room away from prying eyes. 

“Remember when you asked me if I was sure” Taehyung asked finding the small velvet wrapped box at the bottom. He opened it revealing a stunning diamond nestled in a circle of slightly smaller diamonds. 

“Yes? and your going to do it now?” Namjoon shot up and went to close the door not wanting the secret of Tae’s engagement plans out. 

“Not now, people went to her house where her family is staying and threatened her!” He shook his head, his face getting red with anger tears. “I was planning to do it here and “ he looked at his Hyung then at the ring “and every time I look at this I can only picture it with her, what if I’m being selfish? what if changes her mind and figures im not worth that. because I know its just begun.” Namjoon sighed and went to bookmark his book preparing to have a long talk with his younger member. 

-- Changkyun --

I must’ve actually dozed off when I was avoiding Suga because when I woke up  my phone was on the nightstand next to wrapped coconut cookies, and a note taped just above the wall. I sat up rubbing my eyes and looked at the note figuring it was something stupid from Kitty since I had fallen asleep in her bed. Instead the note said ‘Hey sleepy head, I got you you're favorite cookies, come down when you're awake. ~ CK’ I smiled at the note, gathering the cookies and heading downstairs. 

“Look at that our little maknae!” Wonho pressed his finger into the maknae’s dimpled cheek. “I’m so happy for you.” 

“Thank you.” Changkyun smiled shyly pretending to watch Jooheon and Minhyuk play pool. He didn’t know why he was getting so shy speaking about his relationship with me to the boys. Of course after every date he spoke to them about it keeping of course, a few things to himself but now it was different and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe because it looked like things were getting more serious? He hoped so, he felt himself wanting to be fully immersed in love despite his inner demons that told him he didn’t deserve all that. But even they silence when he was around me. 

“Kyun,” Jooheon called out to the maknae “can I ask you something?” The younger boy nodded. “Do you feel... weird about her ex’s being here? some of them are still in love with her.” Jooheon didn’t mean this question as malicious in fact he wasn’t even talking about me. It was his way of asking about himself without actually coming out and saying that he was feeling that way about you.

Changkyun thought for a moment but before he could speak, Wonho spoke up. “Listen Kyun, fight for love because they don’t own her heart anymore.” Jooheon sucked in a breath and shrugged. 

“Its easy for you to say in your position” Jooheon gave a laugh that hid its true meaning.  “I mean girls go head over heels for you.”  

Minhyuk shrugs. “Girls are strange though, I mean Kay left Korea promoted with Damien but came back because of Kyun.” Changkyun smiled at his friend. 

“Exactly,” Wonho smiled hyping up his younger member and he looked at Jooheon. “When there is feelings strong enough, love will find away, regardless of past or present relationships and the other partner has to understand they can’t do anything to stop it.”

”That sounds odd coming from you” Minhyuk laughed “You're as jealous as the next man.” 

Wonho laughed and shrugged “Its a hard pill but its true, doesn’t mean the partner will like it but soon everyone moves on. Which is why I'm saying” he turned back to Changkyun “You don’t have to be intimated by anyone else here. She obviously wants you so keep reaching for love.”

Changkyun smiled and nodded “Thank you for the pep talk but I'm not really worried, I mean besides Damien, bobby and Liam no one has done or said anything.”

“And don’t listen to those assholes anyway.” I said coming into the room, each boy offering me a smile as I came in. Changkyun looked at me, feeling his breath catch in his throat and fell speechless. Even with slightly messy hair and makeup smudged from sleep he looked at me as though I was some divine secret meant to be admired and revered. He knew he felt the words ‘I love you’ ready to leave his lips but he knew it was too soon and the last time he said that to a girl, she booked it out of there faster then he knew it. So he greeted me with a smile getting up to hug me ignoring the teases of his hyungs. 

“Thank you for my cookies, Kyunnie.” i smiled at him wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss which he happily sunk into. Maybe this time he could relax himself in love again. May be he didn’t have to be afraid of his own feelings anymore. 

-

[thataspdfeel]

i really hope this isnt too intrusive but i was wondering if you have any tips on keeping up a good relationship/friendship as someone with aspd? ive gone through so many friends and partners over the years and i always end up alone like i am right now and im honestly lonely and my therapist doesnt really understand because he just said its for the best because abusive behaviour is common w aspd which made me scream and i dont know anyone who actually has aspd either :/

long answer so under a cut

ive kept this in the inbox and stared at it over and over again because of that fucking last bit like

fuck your therapist like deck him in the face. aspd etc people arent inherently fucking abusive thats not how that works. we have a really hard time connecting with people due to low empathy and have low tolerance for bullshit at least imo

oh also dont worry i dont find many things too intrusive. frankly, if anybody wanted to know how to keep a sex life nice, id answer that shit. like i have 0 concept of too intrusive lmao

also if youre lonely id honestly start out with a pet or two. that sounds really weird but if you get used to some asshole who cant communicate living with you, you start to tolerate others more. plus less lonely so win-win

THIS IS GOING TO SOUND HELLISHLY BIZARRE BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS: try dating sim games. this isnt to make you less lonely but to help you get better at communicating with others. like this is an actual scientifically studied thing. i cant remember where i found this out cause my memory is bullshit but hubs pointed me to it. its how he managed to keep my attention for so long. he knew how to properly engage with me and keep my interest through practice via dating sims. and when things are stale, he goes back to the dating sim textbook. like brings me flowers or goes back to wooing me AND IT WORKS

thats not to say his feelings arent genuine cause they absolutely are. these dating games just let him interact with me romantically easier for him. especially because hes like the human embodiment of golden retriever puppy with sunshine out its ass and he can EASILY come across as waaaaaay too much and these sims taught him how to tone himself down. whereas for people like us, theyd help us to play ourselves up so to speak. or just generally interact with partners easier

now if actual interaction isnt your problem, that you make friends or get partners easily but have a hard time with the maintenance, now thats a different problem and requires a different solution

first, find people you find interesting. it's so much easier to pretend to give a shit about people when you find them interesting because you actually listen to them when they talk to you. and this sounds like bullshit like ugh why do i have to pretend. well you do. you have to with everybody until you make a connection. the key is to find somebody interesting you dont mind listening to

make sure they dont mind listening to you either or they at least pretend to this is because relationships whether romantic or otherwise all rely on communication and listening to each others problems. ive had a few "friends" who expected all kinds of emotional labor from me but would turn tail or come up with excuses if i needed them. those arent friends tbh. those are leeches and dont keep those people around. also dont be one of those people cause emotional labor should go both ways

communicate. communicate. COMMUNICATE!!! ALWAYS!!! EVEN IF ITS PAINFUL!!! even if opening up is the last goddamn thing you want to do. in order to connect with people and to keep connection alive, you need to open yourself up and be vulnerable. and it can suck! it really can! but you dont have to cut yourself open just for a connection. basically share what youre comfortable with at first

later, once youve established honesty (and honesty is the key here) later, if youve got an issue with them? you can bring it up and be like hey it bothers me that you leave your socks everywhere. or i hate that you seem to only need me when your mom is being shitty. this lets them confront you too about things that make them uncomfortable. and, yknow, change when they mention something (so long as its not ridiculous like you drink too much coke or i hate that you have blue eyes)

AND ON THE HONESTY THING be honest about your dishonesty. what that means is letting the other person know you lie if youre a chronic liar like me. you have to be like ok so i lie a lot and usually its about stupid stuff and heres how you can tell. anybody who gives an actual shit about you will be like oh ok thats irritating but ok. just dont EVER EVER lie about big shit EVER like cheating or something like that (i mean dont cheat in the first place but you get my point) 

ive had like an empty bag of chips in my hand and hubs will be like "did you eat the chips" and i'll be like "no?" and it kinda goes back and forth like "i see the bag in your hand right there!" "no you dont" until about half an hour or so later im like "sorry i lied about the chips" and hes like oh its fine i get it. but he knows that while id lie about that or brushing my hair, etc i wont lie about if i took my meds or not etc etc. like be honest about your dishonesty dont hide it or itll create problems for later

let the other person know when you need space. because we all need space at some time or another. be like hey imma need to flake for like a day or so my life is a clusterfuck and i need some time to myself. or, like with one of my partners, im like do you mind if i just chill in the other room with video games/books/netflix/whatever for roughly x amount of time. i let them know its not them (even if it sometimes is at which point, i do let them know later what the problem was) and that i just need to be by myself. and yknow what? its made us all so fucking close when we've told each other when we need space

be honest about needing connection too. sometimes your life just goes all to hell and you need a cuddle buddy or somebody to go to coffee with. its scary making yourself so vulnerable and admitting that but honestly? the payoff is awesome because you have somebody there for you who will hold you through those times. and if they wont? walk the other way

and if it werent already clear, YOU HAVE TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL EFFORT because its not fun to be on anything one-sided. you dont have to magically develop empathy or wanting to be around people 24/7. you just have to make the same effort you expect with others

anyway those are the basics to making things work imo. IF NONE OF THIS IS HELPFUL or not the case for how to make things work for you, message again with specifics and i’ll do my best on the advice thing. just your ask was kind of broad so i answered it broadly

i hope this helps!!