#whst an interesting colour!!

[horsefriends]

Horse in New Mexico by Lisa Lyne Blevins

[stahfakz]

Dreamz

Woke up this morning from my first proper dream of the person im in love with this morning, only to start instantly thinking about them, just like every single day for the past 3 months.

Im my dream, I was stealing glances from him, thru lightly veiled windows. I think it means in real life I am still massively shy about talking to him, despite my immense passion for him. I think it's also a reflection on how he feels as well. Either that, or I'm missing the obvious "veiled" staring at each other thru a veil of ?? Or We're hiding something from each other, -> or I don't want to be completely seen by him <- I think that's it.

Also, the last day I saw him, I caught him stealing looks at me three times, the last time felt like a soft whisper, as he walked passed glass doors, and I stared after him, longingly.

The only other time I dreamt about him, was when I never knew him. Probably a month before I laid eyes on him. Not sure if I wrote it here already, but in it, myself and some random dude from work (Collective conscious put a familiar symbol of a person in my dream, so that I'd know it was going to be someone from work.), fell madly in love with each other.

At the time, I laughed really hard, scoffing at the universe. Not only do I not care about that shit, but also, I was still with B.

But it wasn't until I saw him for the first time, did my whole self just go, 'W O W.' I have never, ever, in my entire life felt anything as strong or magnetically connected to someone ever.

I sometimes wonder if he thinks about me, the way I think about him. If I'm on his mind 24/7, the way he is on my mind. Does he hold the piece of paper I gave him close to him, where I wrote, why are you so beautiful? On it. Does he look at it every night before going to sleep, fantasising/daydreaming about me? Does he respond to my question in his head?

I feel sometimes, there's a psychic connection, or Im daydreaming so much, that I manifested a moment where we saw each other at the elevators, but both too shy to say anything (This was before I gave him the note.). Then had a feeling the other day of seeing him come into the building, cos I was getting something for Alex.

And sometimes, he'd come back into work, and kinda stand there, looking like he was playing with his phone, and Im stuck, frozen, Im in awe. And then he walks away. I thought it was funny at the time, but later realised, maybe he wanted to talk to me, but is just as devestatingly as shy as me.

So, the next time I saw him after I gave him the note with all my random drawings and love, he kinda ignored me. Im not sure if it was shyness, or whst. But Im pretty sure we're just shy lol anyway, he was walking back to his dept, and stared right at me, and I ignored him, cos I was nervous. But at the same time, I adore his attention. Like, I only want him to look at me. Cos all the other males stare at me all the time, but I am not interested.

And the week after that, I walk out into the room, we've caught each others eyes, and then we both look back at each other, and it felt like a thousand flowers bloomed inside me of all colours, I felt so loved.

I know this is kinda coming across as juvenile, but as we haven't actually talked yet, that's all I have. Other than the constant thinking of him 24/7, fantasing and daydreams.

Sometimes I'll be doing yoga, and then all of a sudden I realise I've lost the last ten minutes, cos I was thinking about him. Or, almost missing my train, and catch myself out staring at the ceiling of the tunnel station, my eyes were going so high, a reflection of my internal thoughts/feelings/desires.

Even now, writing this, my memories pervade me, and I'm thinking about him again, losing time.

Like, how much? Is it disturbing that I think about him so much, like I've N E V E R done or felt about anyone else E V E R ?

And for a lil while there, I almost gave up. Cos I would never have to force myself to think about him. But then I moved, got busy, I had to focus on other things, so would kinda daydream on purpose. And I thought he wasn't interested. But just to prove me wrong, the universe laughs at me again with that dream, and immediate thought of him upon waking.

It feels fated, destined, like a magick spell. I've mentioned this in my writings so many times, but all I want, is to be with him. I realised this, and let the relationship with B naturally fuck up, cos Im not a cheater. But I knew I have to be with him, I've chosen him. I just want to be with him. I've had futuristic visions, dreams, fantasies and daydreams. And can I just say, I want to fuck him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again...ad infinium. My biggest fantasy is of us fucking, or me giving him head with his jizz spraying all over my chest and stomach. It's the strongest pull I've ever felt. I have never ever in my life before ever fantasised about someone in that way.

And yet, it's not just about the sexual desire/attraction/fantasies, it's the way he stares into my eyes, seeks me out, and only me.

I'm in love with you, deeply, passionately. I wanna stare into your eyes, tell you how beautyful you are, stroke your face, kiss you for hours, give you gansta braids, paint your nails, fuck you to Neptune and beyond ;)

♡ I luv you Sèamus ♡

[mymagnificentself]

beach party and.. reversing roles?

so after our whole year's sleepover party whatever thing on the school grounds yesterday (where i inadvertedly apparently almost set my friend up with another girl for tje first time for her... ) and the following graduates "prank" day (where i painted cute unicorns and rainbows and occasionally german flags on little kids (at their request))

i went to a Beachparty with my friend whomst i also want to call S but she is Not the same one.. how about k for now or something like that, it doesnt matter anyways who cares, so k and i drove to that beach party and she still had the rainbows on her face and a tie dye colourful shirt bc you know she's hippie like that at times, so we drove to the beach party, which was orgsnized by three people together only one of which we knew, so there were a LOT of strangers there (less to her than me bc she knew some of them from elsewhere, but still a good amount).

now My first instinct in sitiations like that is to be Uncomfortable (and voice my discomfort st times) and try to Stick to people i Know and play games on my phone or whatever when they inevitably dont include me in conversations and whatnot;

now then K told me not to be so anti social and view things negatively all the time which i mean, fuck you dont tell me what to do, also i was getting really cold and UncoMfortabLe² to the point that i was considering leaving quite soon whilst she was still chatting to people in my vicinity.

and thEN some glorious bastard made a Fire, which, as many people know, is a great source or waRmthS and Goodness, so after longingly staring at it from my rainbow mat i found someone i knew sitting as considerably closer to it than my and talking to people, so i walked over, sat down (after asking if i could) and from then on it got better and better:

i talked to like Three new people personally and maybe four more in pasding or conversations, one of the three being quite a handsome guy so yay me for making guy friends although i didnt get his number or anything bc k took me away..

actually more and more im noticing that were building up a really weird dynamic, might be similar to what ive had eith s where like a positive, motivational friemdship turned into this sort of negative dragging you down kind of thing...

bc i am starting to feel the drag and i guess drain on my energy from her now too and even tho i try my best to be a good friend and im always a sucker for giving myself up to someone else,

its starting to become tiring.

and not really rewarding or like... another r word that means sort of balanced or whatever in that regard.. reciprocated?

bc i di tend to do a Lot for other people, probably more than i should for my own good, and then i reckon this is the result, i habe to say tho that k is always very attentive and appreciative when i do things for her...

but yeah idk, weird shift in dynamics, and funnily in the end She was the one who felt uncomfortable and like an outsider and mayne it had a bit to do with pride flags all up in her face and maybe not but subconsciously i wss thinking like Bitch!!! that's me eveRY Time. "dont be such a pussy", literslly whst you told Me earlier (which ya know in itself is a really sexist and sort of dumb thing to say and im evrytime like da fuq but oh well) and yeeeah then we left, or i drove her home.

but to be fair she also almost hooked up with another girl that day, got really drunk and didnt get much sleep so you csnt begrudge anyone if theure not up to party like that right away..

and like im not and i mean i totally get it but like... i find it very interesting how the whole day turned out and i figured i should write it down somewhere...