#whoops this is a lot of georgias huh

[polkadotpatterson]

Blaseball as text posts, part 6! Art by HetreaSky!

[lovemesomesurveys]

Thought I Couldn't Top It, Huh? OVER 2000 Questions! (Truly the Longest!) Created by distortedcognition Part 10 Have you Ever... Gone on a cruise? Nope. They sound kind of fun, but the thought of being stuck out in the middle of the water, especially for so long, terrifies me. I’m sure I’d also get sick and that wouldn’t be fun either. Beaten someone up? No. Been beaten up? No. Bullied someone? No. Been bullied? No. Attempted suicide? No. Attempted murder? Jeez, no. Nearly died? Yes, twice. Broken the law? Little things that everyone did like downloading music and whatnot. Stolen something? When I was a kid I thought the candy in the big candy bins at the grocery store were free to take. They were not. Whoops.

Had an abortion? No. Known the president? Not personally. Had an affair with the president? No. Met a famous person? Yes. I’ve met Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell. Gah, I can’t believe he turned out to be a perverted creep. I had such a big crush on him back in the day. Had an affair? No. Been out of the country? Yes, I went to Mexico. Out of state? Yeah, a few times. I’ve been to Arizona, Idaho, and Georgia.  Out of your town? Many times. Written a poem? Yes, I dabbled with it a little as a teen. They’re suuuper cringe. A story? Yeah. I loved writing short stories when I was like 12-14. I’m sad I don’t have access to those. A novel? No. A song? I think I’ve tried before; probably during the days I was writing poetry. Gotten published? No. I never sent anything in or anything.  Written a love poem? Yes. Said that you hated the world? Yeah. Finished school? Yep, yep. Flunked a grade? No.

Flunked a subject? I had to retake a math course in community college. I totally blame the professor, though, who was truly awful. She was so mean and not helpful at all.I always struggled with math, but I also always managed to get by even if just barely. When I retook the course with a different professor I passed with a B, sooo. Read a book for enjoyment? Most definitely. I’ve loved to read since I was a little kid and have read a lot of books throughout my life. I read quite a bit. Bungee jumped? Nooo. Skydived? Nooo. Danced? Yeah. Been to a dance? Yeah, I went to a few in middle school and then my high school formal and prom. Scuba dived? Nooo.

Broken a bone? Yes. Gotten a nose bleed? No. Gone to the beach? Many times. I love the beach. 

Gone fishing? I tried it for a bit once. Not my thing. Gone to an island? No. Died in a dream? No. I’ve been attacked and sought after, but never actually died. Had a dream that came true? Yeah. Kissed someone in the rain? Nope. Gotten pregnant? No. Eaten calamari? I’ve tried fried calamari.  Lobster? No. Helped anybody during the holidays? I’ve donated to things during the holidays. Helped a stranger? Yes. Kissed a stranger? No. Hugged a stranger? I’m not someone who just hugs everyone.

Can You... Kiss your elbow? No. Touch your nose with your tongue? No. Stick your fist in your mouth? Barely. Touch your toes? Yeah. Give away money?: I could give away some. Marry a family member? Uh, absolutely not. Hire an assassin? No! Stay up all night? Yeah, I do so all the time. Stay up for /ten/ nights? Um, no definitely not. Finish this survey? Yeah.  

Swim? No. Draw well? No. I wish I had some artistic abilities. Sing well? Nope, don’t have that talent either unfortunately. Write well? I’ve been told that. Probably not anymore since I don’t do so anymore. It’s been awhile now.

Eat a box of chocolates in an hour? Definitely not. I could only have like 2. Eat an entire package of Oreos in a half an hour? Nooo. I’d have like 2-3, maybe 4. Without milk? I always have to have something to dip my cookies in. Predict the future? Nope. I don’t believe anyone can. You can try of course by studying patterns and whatnot and you might just get it right, but...

Would you Ever...

Lie to a friend? I can’t say I never have before. Lie to your parents? I have. Lie to a lover? I have. Steal from your parents? No. Hug them in public? Yes? Blow up your house? Wtf, no. Abuse someone? Nooo. What’s with these type of questions? Use someone? I hate to say I have done that before. I know how it feels and it’s really shitty. :/ Recommend this survey to a friend? To anyone on here who might be interested in taking it.

Would you ever Be... A fireman? No. Policeman? No. Serial killer? N O.  Doctor? No. Surgeon? No. Prostitute? No. Playboy model? No. Writer? I used to like writing for fun when I was younger, but I’m definitely not cut out to be a writer. I wouldn’t want to make it my career. It would be too stressful and not enjoyable anymore with that pressure. Artist? I have no artistic abilities. Musician? I have no musical talents either. I’m truly talentless, ya’ll.  Assassin? Nooo. Ninja? No. Soldier? No. President? No. Darth Vader? No. Pilot? No. Mortician? No. Forensic scientist? No. Detective? No. I enjoy reading and watching mysteries or playing mystery games for fun and tying to figure who did it, but I wouldn’t want to actually be a detective. Lawyer? No. Drug-dealer? No. Pirate? No. Box-carrier? No. Store clerk? Gah, I’m not cut out for retail so ideally no. I’ve heard too many horror stories. Retail workers are the real MVPS for the shit they have to deal with let me tell ya. Banker? No. Criminal? No, omg. Professional wrestler? No. Tennis player? No. Rapper? No. Country singer? No. Pop star? No. Actor? No. Plastic surgeon? No.

[janeykath318]

The Friendly Merman 13/13

Jim found life as a human rather challenging to adjust to in some ways. For one thing, he wasn't used to the bright light and had to wear special sunglasses everywhere until his eyes adjusted. Also, he found life above ground much louder than the ocean and was easily startled by barking dogs and sirens and traffic noises. For about a week, he didn't leave Leah's house at all as he became more accustomed to the sensations of human life and his new legs. 

Leah had one of her colleagues talk to Jim and explain things to him. It was one thing to explain the birds and bees to a patient, quite another to someone she was very much in love with. (Not that Jim was ignorant of the facts of life, but he'd never fully bonded mer style or human). Dr. M'Benga was quite willing to come over to talk to Jim, being quite interested in the species change phenomenon. He too, fell under Jim's spell and was soon quite comfortable with the former mer.

Jim was already incredibly well educated in the mer style, but needed help learning to read and write Standard. He and Joanna spent a lot of time.  together as she'd let him borrow her books to practice with.

“Bones,” Jim said one day, “I feel I should start contributing something now that I've been living with you for awhile. I'm used to humans enough to find an occupation among them, I think.”

He was very thoughtful looking and earnest as he spoke, holding a paper upon which he'd been making calculations.

“Oh, Jimmy, you know I don't consider you to be a burden at all, but if you're up for employment, go for it.”

Jim ended up getting hired by Spock to help at the center and it was a great fit for him--he helped feed and visit with the often frightened patients and assured them these humans meant them no harm. He turned out to be invaluable as an assistant and Nyota told Leah Jim made their jobs ten times easier and they didn't have to use the sedative nearly as often because he did such a good job of calming the mers.

For Christmas, Leah took Jim to Georgia with her to meet her parents. She hated flying with a passion, but Jim's childlike excitement over being on a plane for the first time was enough to keep her distracted enough to not get queasy.

“We’re in the clouds, Bones!” He exclaimed. “It's even more amazing than I thought!”

“Glad you like it, darlin’.” She said fondly. “You'll probably be doing it a lot in the future, I'm guessing.”

“You think I could be a pilot, Bones?” Jim asked.

“Course you could, Jim. It takes time and training and practice, but knowing you, you'll do fine.”

Even though it kind of terrifies me.

Leah's parents were somewhat skeptical of Jim being a fit mate for their daughter, but once they got to know him, they saw what Leah saw in him.

Jim found his favorite part was making cookies with Bones and Joanna and Eleanor and stealing kisses under the mistletoe. He began to dream of marrying Bones, completing their bond and becoming a family and when Leah’s dad asked him what his intentions were he said so.

“I'm going to marry her, sir.” He told the older Dr. McCoy. “I love her very much.”

“Good to hear that, but do you understand what that means? My ex son in law sure didn't.”

“In the mer culture, we take the marriage bond very seriously and violators are severely punished. Meeting Bones changed my life and there's no way I could hurt her or Joanna like that.”

The doctor nodded and his eyes softened.

“I hope you'll be happy. Jo clearly loves you and won't stop talking about mermaids now. Leah looks more relaxed than I've seen her in months. It's obvious she adores you. It's funny, she swore she wouldn't lay eyes on another man after what he did to her and here you are.”

After another two years (or migration cycles), Jim made good on his intentions when he married Leah McCoy on a beautiful spring afternoon. They held the ceremony on the beach very near where he had first washed up and where a good crowd of merfolk could witness the happy event. Jim's pod was there, watching with glee as their friends spoke their vows to each other, as Leah’s family and close friends observed from the sand.

Clad casually in tan shorts and white button down, Jim’s heart was full as he stood opposite his bride, whom he thought was perfectly beautiful in a simple white knee-length dress and the sea-glass necklace he'd given her when he'd started the courtship. What made his eyes brim over was the surprise ending to her vows when she spoke the mer bonding pledge--in his language.

“Forever together, in body and spirit, until the oceans vanish and the earth fades.”

There were sniffles from the merpeople and Jim's eyes blurred as he was touched by the unexpected addition. Leah must have learned it from Pike or Uhura because they'd never gone over that in their few lessons and the pronunciation was flawless.

He blinked way the tears long enough to do the ring exchange and soon enough he had Bones in his arms, kissing her as husband and wife. He heard Joanna give an excited whoop and Scotty whistle, but he was focused on his new wife and the strange emotions that were flooding him.

“Hey, Jim. You alright, darlin?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he said shakily, wiping the moisture off his cheeks. “I'm just really happy to be married to you.”

“Awwww, honey,”she said gently, hugging him tightly. “It's pretty wonderful, isn't it. I love you.”

“Love you too,” he murmured in reply and soon there was an excited Joanna chattering her delight and demanding hugs from both of them.

“You're now my step-daddy for real!!” She proclaimed, with her arms around Jim.

“Sure am, sport,” Jim laughed, swinging her around and elegantly returning her to the beach.

“Aren't you glad you gave in and took me Merman watching that day, Mommy?” She asked Leah.

“I sure am, sweetheart,” she confirmed, smiling at Jim again. He was now as much at home on two legs as he'd been with a tail and gills and had even started to take classes to learn to fly a plane. Much as it scared her, she thought Jim would make a good pilot.

Jim grabbed her hand and they strolled to the water’s edge to accept the congratulations of the mer guests.

“Such a lovely couple!” Sniffed Carol tearfully.

“I'm very happy for you son,” Pike said, with a firm handshake. “That was a fine ceremony and I wish you all the happiness.”

“Aye!” Scotty put in. “You two’ll have a long life together, I believe.”

Spock and Uhura also came up after they'd chatted with the McCoy side. The Vulcan was as pleased as he could be (that is, he actually smiled at them) and predicted their bond would be a most felicitous one.

Uhura hugged them both and laughingly teased Leah.

“Well, you said you'd avoid men, but I guess that didn't include the mers, huh?”

“You know what they say about there being plenty of fish in the sea!” Leah winked at her husband and he grinned and leaned in to steal a kiss.

Oh, yes, very nice “fish” indeed.

[crowblackbird]

The City of Beautiful Liars: Part 4 The Pity Party.

In the dressing room, Dick Bauch is having his make-up put on. He sits still and straight, eyes closed.

“Okay, I think we’re good.” Says the make-up artist.

Dick opens his eyes, looks at himself in the mirror.

“Hello Dick. Are you ready?”

“I was born ready,” he says back to himself.

“Ha, prove it.”

“Let’s go then, I’ll show you some Dick. Bianca!” Dick shouts. “Give me a kiss for a good show.”

Bianca stands near the door, smiling.

Dick walks slowly up to her, smirking. “Dick I made you, now got out there and be a dick.” She says. The crowd can be heard chanting: “Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!”

They kiss passionately.

Then he whispers, “I love you baby.”

“I love you too,” she says and pokes him away. “Now go make us some money. I still want that house you promised me.”

He walks off, with a dance. He begins to strut. The Dick Bauch theme music begins to blare. Dick Bauch struts out onto the stage.

The Announcer begins: “Laaaaay-dieeees and Gentllllle-men, you know him and you love him. You can’t get enough of him, you want him every day, every night and you want him soooo bad. Sometimes it hurts. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Dick! Dick Bauch.” Dick comes dancing out.

Dick dances left, Dick dances right. Dick struts, Dick does a twirl. Dick struts, Dick dances left. Dick dances right. The crowd is dancing too, the floor is full of the audience, they dance left. They dance right, they strut.

The music lowers, a voice comes over the system. It’s Dick.

“Okay you people, get off my dance floor. None of you got moves, you just did what I did. Isn’t there any original people out there? Or are you all unique, just like everyone else.”

The crowd chuckles. They clear the floor.

Dick stands on the stage surveys the crowd. He spots someone, he walks up to her. She smiles nervously.

Dick licks his thumb and reaches for her forehead. She suddenly clues in, she pulls back.

“Hey what?”

“What are you doing?” She asks.

“I was gonna check if your eye brows were real.” The crowd gasps. Pa-toom-pa!

“Fawwk. Don’t touch me.”

“Whoa, you’re just a bit touchy.”

She quickly puts her hands over her eye brows.

“That’s one thing I loved about Anke, you know, my ex. The one that got away. Her eye brows were real. They were perfect, so was she.” The Woman licks her thumb and rubs his eye-brow.

“Ooooh, I could get used to that.” Pa-toom-pa!

Dick laughs. He reaches out his hand to the woman, “hey welcome to the Dick Bauch show. Tonight were about touchiness, too many feelings, you know all that bla bla stuff, we men loooove to listen to. Especially when we’re trying to watch some porn.”

Pa-toom-pa! She doesn’t trust him. The crowd laughs.

“You kinda remind me of Bianca right now. You have the same lookl, she’s always pissed off at me.” The Drummer does a quick roll. The crowd cheers.

Backstage, Bianca shakes her head, smiles and laughs. Dick Bauch walks back to the stage.

“We all have a pity party, I have letter from The Pity Party mail-bag.” He holds up a letter. “This writer and viewer and fan I assume, of this program. Is wondering why a woman married him, when just the week before, the night before even, before she even said her vows to him, she was sending sweet pictures of herself to another man, they even met for coffee, or maybe had sex, he thinks. Ever since then, he has also hated Rod Stewart. She has gone back several times, to this point as her fuck-up. But, I have never wanted her to bring this up again. It’s in the past, can’t do anything about it. But she always wants to go back to this event as a reason to divorce.”

The crowd says, “awwww.” The drummer rolls.

“Seriously. People this is serious, Rod Stewart can get pretty annoying.” The crowd laughs. “If Bianca insisted on playing Rod Stewart every time we did it, I would divorce her too.” Pa-toom-pa!

Dick continues. “We need to know that some people have a hard time with love. And it sounds like this fella, got hooked up with a woman that must have loved him, because here, he sends some pictures of himself with her in Rome. They look happy and in love hey.”

The crowd agrees.

“Well, these pictures were taken at time, when she said, it was the beginning of the end. He had no clue he says.” Dick holds up the letter again.  “He thought, she was sincerely in love. This is in Rome, fuckin’ Itlay. Not Rome, Georgia.”

The crowd laughs, nods, some shuffle.

“What can we say to this fan? Any words of advice?” Dick asks the audience.

Some in the crowd shuffle, one rises. An assistant runs with a mic in hand, to a man who stands up.

“Dick, I would say that this man is unsure of himself, and the woman was likely in love, and about the guy she messed around with before she married this fan of yours. She shouldn’t have done that.”

“What about the beginning of the end?” Dick asks.

“It ended before they were married, she ended it before she even gave it a chance. Ya, she fucked up. Dick, I think you should tell both of them, where to go.”

The crowd laughs.

“Should I?” Dick laughs, he turns to the rest of the crowd. “Should I? Oh, it takes a lot for Dick to say that.”

The crowd chants, “say it Dick!”

“Well, we need more opinions. Any others?”

The Assistant with the Mic, looks around. Another rises. She runs over.

“I have no idea why this woman would always go back to that event as a reason to divorce. Maybe, when she made love to her husband, she saw that man.”

“Is a real thing? Does that happen?” Dick asks.

The crowd cheers. Dick shrugs.

Dick holds up his hand. “There’s more to the letter.” He continues to read. “But, I can’t help myself. I love her.”

The crowd jumps up and cheers. “Tell them where to go, Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!”

“Wait, wait, there’s more. I have been a lazy, non-committal husband. I was messing around when I first met her, and continued throughout the marriage. Through emails, texts, snail mail.”

He holds up the letter. “What do I do?”

“Tell’em both where to go, Dick!”

“You know what I will tell them?” the crowd waits. “I would tell them both to get some therapy. Or get some new-to-you Dick. Replace each other and tell each other they have been replaced!  And go fuck a duck! I don’t wanna hear any more shit about these two.”

Dick rips up the letter. The band kicks in, Dick starts to dance.

The Announcer comes over the speaker, “tonight we have a guest, let’s get her out here. Her name is Cher! Let’s welcome Cher!”

Cher walks onto the stage. Dick sits down in his chair, awaiting her. He’s getting into Dick mode. He doesn’t rise for her. She seems a little nervous.

“Don’t be afraid Cher. Cher, Cher like a bear, hiding in her underwear.” Taunts Dick.

“Excuse me?” Taken aback. She sits down slowly.

“Cher. Where you from come?”

“I’m from the Midwest.”

“Oh, enough said. Boring.”

The crowd laughs

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Nothing, I just know how you think already. You came on the show, so you could come to the big city, take selfies, and hook up at some Irish pub, with a big fully bearded metro-sexual, in a lumberjack shirt.”

The crowd laughs.

“You don’t know me.”

“I know women. Yer all the same!”

“You don’t know this woman.”

“I knew you the minute you walked out here, all shy and easily hurt.”

The crowd, exhales, they gasp.

“C’mon stand up. Let’s go a few rounds.”

She rises.

“Are you easily hurt?”

“Once, but not any more.”

The crowd cheers.

Dick rises too.

She turns and smiles at the crowd. Dick doesn’t.

“C’mon, let’s have a staring contest.”

Cher is mad at Dick.

“C’mon closer, let’s see if you can handle Dick.” She takes a small step back.

The crowd laughs, the drummer does a roll.

They stand face to face. They speak flatly, both not wanting to break the stare.

“I have a question for you. What would you decide for the couple, me and the audience just discussed.”

“I would say to the man who wrote this, to deal with it. Stop making a fuss and accept the good memories and move on.”

“But, In the words of Dick. What would you tell them?”

“Well, I’m not a Dick.”

The drum rolls. The crowd cheers.

“I like that.”

“Why are you on the show?”

“Whatever it was, I’m over it now.”

“You know what, who cares.”

The crowd whoops, and laughs. Another quick drum roll.

“What do you think about their trip to Rome?”

“She wasn’t able to give what she never received.”

“What would that be?”

“Love.”

“Cher I like you. I don’t like many people.”

Cher smiles.

“Ha, I won.” Dick shouts.

The Announcer comes back over the Speakers: “Looks like Cher couldn’t handle Dick!”

The crowd cheers.

The lights go down, “Cher let’s look at some pictures.” Says Dick. The crowd cheers, for the slide-show. “I can’t even remember why you’re on the show.”

“I told you, I am over it.”

“Oh ya. You’re the boring one. Did anyone ever call you that?”

The crowd bursts out laughing.

“Dick, don’t go there.”

“Ha ha, not the first time I been told that.” Pa-toom-pa! The crowd laughs.

“Okay. Lets look at a slide.” Dick continues.

CLICK!

“Oops, that’s not her. How’d that get in there?” Says Dick.

“Who’s she?” Asks Cher.

“She was a slice on the side.” Dick replies.

The Announcer asks, “a slice on the side, of whom Dick?”

“Anke, the love of my life.”

“You cheated on the love of your life?”

“Well, I was messing around with this woman you see here, just as I started to see my ex-wife.”

“Ooooh that’s Scandalous Dick!”

The crowd shouts in unison.

“Oh Dick!”

“Ya sorry, Dick’s not perfect.” Dick concedes.

PA-TOOM –PA!

Dick addresses the crowd. “Let’s give it up for my guest tonight. Cher! She’s a strong, confident young lady who has already dealt with it, whatever that was. We need more people like her.”

He turns to Cher. “Not to be a Dick, but I would love to take you out for an all-you-can-eat Chinese food buffet, get married at a drive through wedding chapel in Vegas, then drive to Reno get the whole thing annulled.”

The drum rolls. The crowd cheers.  “And what about that couple?” Dick asks Cher.

“I think they could work it out.”

“You heard it people. Cher has spoken.”

The crowd cheers.

“Thank you and good night!”