#whoops sorry i rambled a bit there bc i rly wanted to get it out sigh

[kaiserkisser]

i found this one quote in a quotev quiz yesterday and it rly stuck with me bc of how true it is

"when a child gets punished for being honest and speaking the truth, that's when they start to lie. "

idk this is genuinely SO true atleast for me. i honestly cant remember a single time where ive honestly spoken abt anything of even minor importance and not been scolded/punished for it, esp if it relates to me.

like my mom always goes, you can tell me what ur thinking/ feeling i promise i wont scold you. but the moment i ever told her even a bit of how i felt over smth, esp if smth had happened recently to create a bit of friction, i got scolded so badly that i shut myself in, mentally if physically wasnt possible.

slowly for self preservation i learnt to lie well. now, no matter what she says, if she asks me abt my thoughts and feelings, unless its truly inconsequential and will have no repurcussions, my standard response is- im not rly thinking anything right now and im feeling perfectly fine as always- even if im not

why? because ive learnt from experience that it will get me punished, and i am not masochistic enough to want that

[yakocchi]

(I’m the only one who knows Akihiko in this way...)

first i was like ...well i have 100+ tickets saved from that reading promotion so i was like might as well do the sebas route bc i’ve done everyone else’s but now i feel compelled to try rly hard on the election 😔 but the kiss avatars aren’t as cute as the hug ones from last year imo

i did one run on the first day in a hurry to get them all spent before the story fever was done (before i realized all the story fevers will be x3 whoops) so looking back through that rush... this route is not so bad esp. versus the others on the second half (dazai and count) 

further rambling behind the cut bc woops i realized i started typing a whole lot omg tried to keep the spoilers (for sebas’ route) as pretty vague but in terms of spoilers for dazai, count, etc. it’s all over

sorry if you don’t like reading run-on sentence hell, but that’s how my stream of consciousness works orz

but i couldn’t help feel like this route was kind of trying its best in getting the reader interested in faust. isn’t as bad as it was in dazai’s route where i feel like some ppl end up just sitting there going “i’d much rather be with charles wtf” lul to me it was like they’re trying to invest some interest in him but are delicate in trying to make him not seem too irrational in his motivations and antagonistic or else they get into a Will situation in which nobody likes him... and then when the route finally comes out ppl are too mad to change their mind lol.

i just feel kinda bothered with the second half routes bc at times they feel like parts of them only serve to introduce the new characters. which is fine, but like... it takes time away from the actual love interest and it’s like “beh this didn’t happen with a good bit of the other characters” u know. i actually think sebas’ route is the best in finding that balance. i mean with the count it’s justifiable that vlad consumes a lot of “space” bc he is a convenient vehicle (a childhood friend) to further understanding why the count is the way he is. charles essentially appears out of nowhere and takes a pretty active role as a rival, which is new for a ikevam route... but as mentioned before has the unfortunate effect of readers perhaps siding with charles instead of dazai. whoops

well thinking about it there’s probably people who read the count’s route and went “well i think vlad might have an actual case here” in terms of the terrible future he foresaw or w/e .......but the writers probably caught on to that and that’s why they threw in the part where he throws the mc through the door where she could’ve died a terrible death. WELL people still choose to stan. somehow. I MEAN with charles he essentially tried to “axe” dazai by trying to “help” him so mc will be all alone for charles to love or w/e but at least that wasn’t violence. honestly i thought charles was going to go apeshit given how the route took a good chunk having charles toil about his past as a killer (as he was an executioner) and how he’s worried that mc will judge and dislike him if she ever finds out about that

ok well with faust and sebas, faust takes up more of a “devil in plain sight” role where you know he’s gonna do something sketchy as shit and either sebas and mc will fall for it. and it’s sebas who really falls for it first but it was for loooooove man. it was very dramatic (given how sebas has that dumb cliched backstory but i like that dumb cliche) but i mean the man’s gotta have a plot somewhere

i’m surprised that vlad doesn’t actually have a proactive role in this route, granted that his route is the very next one in the schedule. i guess writers knew people would be interested in him regardless so they essentially left him out. which is good, more time for faust. 

but what really put surprised me is that they threw in another leo and count gay dads moment like the older routes have where the two of them are used to keep the plot moving so the main charas can go ichaicha try to take care of shit in the bg. i thought this one for this route was esp...... a choice. it makes me realize that their bond is something that’s really beyond a simple friendship? probably bc they’re both old purebloods, but even with that... the very few times the readers get to see the friendship between vlad and the count imo it’s always... strange. like i can’t really tell that they’re that close of friends? like yea clearly they were close somehow given that they built the magicke door together but still, it always gave me the “crazy friend but you stick with him bc he’s known you forever” vibe. 

like that scene (in the sebas route) where the count finally comes back and leo is the first and only one to greet him at that time... it was very heartwarming in that “old bros” way. you can tell that they really have each other’s back, like that time in the count’s route where the count embarks on vlad’s castle and leo is like “(i’m not going to stop you but) if you don’t come back by dawn... i’m going to go get you. because i, too, cannot die” whew powerful. it’s a nice contrast from when the count was very down after an event in the past and vlad doesn’t really comfort him and actually is more like “you’re weak because of things like this” (not the actual quote but it’s the same gist) lol. like i know why he didn’t support him emotionally because at that point the count was totally not down for vlad’s plans but yeesh

another vague thing from the route... i like how while the count is unavailable, leo more or less takes the helm as the caretaker of the mansion residents. like it’s only a minor part in the grand scheme of things in the route but it’s clear that leo does have great compassion in his heart. in the dazai route too, he’s like the only chara that tries to set dazai straight (albeit for a single scene). 

ok thats all i really wanted to say before this becomes some dumb leo woaw we love him essay thanks for reading this garbage lol

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[waters-and-the-wilde]

vivez (you have 1 life let it Be Gay)

woo okay Fools and Angels stalled out a bit because all the later stuff wants to happen but the in between stuff still won't get its shit together and the later stuff is relying on that for at least some semblance of coherence (also i went on a road trip and went to a wedding and ran away to a farm on the west coast so it was a busy month)

so i'm going to hash around my dumb gay fic headcanons to get back in the swing of things pls enjoy

first of all, i recognize that canon Percy and Marguerite are textbook dumb heteros who just need to talk to each other and fuck knows why i like them so much, but i also used to think queer people were just better at that sort of thing (bc you know I thought that the self-knowledge and courage and ability to see through dumb cisheteronormative expectations that came with the territory would give one an edge) and honestly it's been a bit of a trip to constantly discover the extent to which we're all complete disasters

anyway all this to say, Percy and Marguerite are a matched set of distinguished-disaster bisexuals and peak mlm/wlw solidarity. they both went to boarding school and Mrgt was in theatre so like. they Know what they're about.

(side note back in the day i wanted Scarlet Pimpernel but Lesbians nd it was gonna be Pimpernels and Violets w/ Gwendolyn Christie for Percy and Gugu Mbatha-Raw for Mrgt.)

but honestly while we're here with my old headcanons I rly want POC Mrgt and Armand especially knowing what I know now about Alex Dumas and how many multi-racial folks from Haiti were knocking around Parisian society being wealthy and fabulous

(whole other set of reasons to stand back and sip champagne while letting Crowley loose on Thomas Jefferson)

this adds some whole other considerations that I would need to research mostly because of England being weird and whether Percy and Mrgt could have gotten married in the first place. but like if you were black, France basically was the only promise for freedom. you didn't have other places to go. how much more weight does that lend to Mrgt's decision to condemn de St. Cyr? being willing to make that call because the idea of royalist invasion and having that first lick of freedom snatched away is intolerable? having to struggle with watching those real possibilities get corrupted and torn away but really truly knowing what it was worth to begin with and never quite knowing when to break away from it?

and Armand, who's all in for the same reason, Armand who's smart and passionate and idealistic who gets to help shape the new government only to realize it's becoming a monster and swallowing him up while he's stuck on the inside

whoops i made myself sad

anyway i can have trans guy Sir Percy, as a treat. he's gottn away with it bc he was like four years old and wanted to be a knight and his father needed an heir and he said 'well why can't I be a boy? I want to be a boy I want to be Sir Percival' and his mother was sick and old Algernon Blakeney thought bout it and he went and fudged some things and bribed some nurses and raised bby Percy with private tutors, and Percy managed to make it through boarding school by virtue of being six foot odd of gorgeousness and good at getting people to see what he wants them to see so i guess that makes him bisexual in both the archaic and the modern sense

due to Percy's charisma stats he became the center of the Eton queer penguin huddle, starting with Andrew Foulkes when he realized he wasn't terribly interested in women except that he just thinks they're neat (thought maybe he was gay before realizing men weren't really his thing either, aromantic, now platonically devoted to Percy and the league and Marguerite)

Tony Dewhurst had an entire blazing crush on Percy that eventually settled into a platonic devotion, (okay but have you seen 80s Tony Dewhurst and the way he looks at Percy? it’s like he was taking lessons in Gay Babey from Aziraphale) now in a close relationship with his 'valet' (actually a bf from France who they rescued nd is now in England disguised as Dewhurst's valet so they can be close w/o raising eyebrows)

half the league is their Eton queer penguin huddle tbh, hence the sense of discretion and willingness to risk danger bc life already be like that

fuck it they're all queer except Armand, i'm not sorry and i do make the rules

poor Chauvelin, repressed disaster bisexual, loses half his braincells in Sir Percy's presence because the man's so goddamn infuriatingly attractive and he doesn't know how to process it except as pure loathing and contempt for his enemy and rival, and while we're on the subject, Crowley's slinkiness and conflicting gender cues and background noise aura of temptation also make him feel an awful lot of things he doesn't want to look at too closely, and while we're on the subject, so does Mrgt in a soldier's uniform

(it doesn't help that like queerness was, if acknowledged, thought of as a vice of the aristos in France whereas England's molly community skewed more middle class, and Chauvelin was a marquis' son who's trying desperately to fit in and prove his loyalty to the Republic and Max Robespierre's purity culture so that's a whole extra layer, boy he and Aziraphale need to have a talk)

baby lesbian Suzanne de Tournay had an entire blazing crush on Mrgt but she was a few years older so it was more of a senpai notice me thing. genderfluid awakening from that time she got to go around in disguise as a soldier. marriage of convenience with Sir Andrew? that way Maman approves and isn't constantly overseeing her and they can both hang out with Mrgt on the regular who can introduce her to all the London debutantes. ya girl is french she doesn't give a heck she's gonna be mistress to half the unhappily-married women in London whose husbands have bad teeth

Armand is... straight. it happens. however instead of being the token dumb hetero, Armand is not only a good bro and ally but he's actually pretty emotionally astute, he's just not a schemes-and-layers thinker like literally all the others, and he's reasonably in touch wth his feelings and acts on them which just gets him in a lot of trouble with 'rational' society and furthermore he's the one who reminds people to actually talk instead of playing mind games and that friends is why Armand has the brain cell

the song Killer Queen is heavily based on Marguerite and Mme de Serpens bc of Freddie Mrc hearing Crowley ramble about his time in France thank u for coming to my ted talk

[theday]

HIII!!! ITS YOUR MBB SECRET SANTA I HOPE YOURE HAVING A GREAT DAY FULL OF HAPPINESS!!!! I love monsta x and i bet you do too also I LOVE WONHO HES SO SQUISHY RIGHT NOW AND THE HAIR cries ok so i have a question of the day: what got you into mx? Mine was a long ride but it was w o r t h i t!!!

HELLO!!! MY DAY JUST STARTED ACTUALLY BUT I SAW A BUNCH OF MX ON MY DASH SO.. its already filled with happiness and love :-O btw this is rly long

how did u guess…. me …. a blog with the url cuddlychae… liking monsta x????? how didu make that connection… im just kidding i love you? already sjjsjsjd PLEASE JDSJJ I KNOW MY TAG FOR HIM IS LITERALLY SQUISHY KING I LOVE HIM SO MCUHCJS id write a whole ass essay but thats for another time 3 how do you like his hair??? he dyed it like . 3 times this cb rip wonhos scalp but god the purple really grew on me after awhile and then he went fiery red and i was like ? >:0 but the purple…. the red is grpwing on me too alsjjdjs i could never hate wonho(’s hair) i jsut wish theyd let his scalp breathe a bit or he’ll go bald soon

are we going straight into the questiosnsjjsjs tell me about yourself first!!! you can call me egg or megan if calling me a round food object is too strange jsjj i use she/her pronouns and !!! im turning 16 this december 26th which is literally nvm i wanted fto say smth like twice of today since its the 13th and 13 x 2 = 26 but never mind…. 

this got so long already my friend (what shall i call you?) this is how i am normally whenever i start i dont stop riidjjsjsjk we’re in for a long ride buddy :-D

ok so monsta x … the monsta men……. so firsts of all . my good friend buddy pal karissa (who is barely on tumblr) is a big mbb but i didnt get into them bc of her though she shld get mentioned bc of her i have someone to yell about monsta x.. irl… bless her . now shes kind of relevant to this story actually in june and i was at her place with another friend and that was the day mx had their coomeback shine forever so we agreed to watch it with her :-o back then i had no interest in kpop at all so i was like hm . the whole time but their music was great in my young opinion back then since she let me listen to beautiful right after that (also jooheon in the beautiful mv caught my eye in shine forever it was minhyuk and jooheon i didnt take notice of anyone else whoops) 

that was my only mx experience until .. after i got into day6 (after being more open to kpop) my friend (a different one, boxy) she started talking about mx bc she got sucked into their wormhole .. and she would talk about mister yoo kihyun for ages which was cute (ok honestly when i first looked up pics of ki i was like whys . he her bias bssjjsjsjsks now i understand) she’d link me videos such as the daeng daeng daeng cover and kihyuns hyeya to show us how good kihyuns vocals were (which i completely ignored for awhile bc of mister minhyukku…. kihyun im so sorry i did u dirty for the longest time) and then she linked us to the funny videos i had to bold that bc . monsta x are the best comedians alive… kings of comedy . she gave us this video to watch and i lost my mind watching it beyhjsjs

this is long and dramatic only bc i love to talk but basically i got into mx bc they were fucking funny that sounds so dumb but i watched all their reality/variety shows in less than 2 weeks without knowing who each member was (i could only recognize jooheon) every episode/series has made me laugh so hard and i think because i fell for their personalities more it was easier for me to??? for them to??? become one of my favorite groups??? after that i watched all their music videos (hey all in ruined my life and burnt my crops wtf…. i love all in so much,,,,) and then proceeded to watch most of the subbed vlives/monchannel videos it was a wild time honestly and it wasnt only after a while that i started following more mx blogs and just interacting with fellow mbbs??? the click idk if u know them but theyve helped me open up to other people on here too so im really grateful to them!! in the end i just??? i mean i got into them late august and it hasnt even been 6 months but i would really give my heart and soul to monsta x theyre so kind and just really fucking sweet + talented and im so happy they got their first win!!!!!!! 

this is really long so if you read this thank you!! something i want to establish is that (breaking some rules here) you dont have to send me 3 asks a day because.. thats ridiculous i mean i understand where the organizer is coming from but please dont ever feel pressured to send me asks - just do it when youre free/when you feel like it!! i want to make this a stress free and fun experience so dont worry about it okay!!! another thing, im completely fine if you send me more than 3 asks in one go (since theres that character limit stories will be hard to tell) i love reading people’s rambles so if you ever feel like writing a whole wonho love essay please go ahead!! 

my questions for you are the ones i mentioned previously at the start and how did you get into monsta x?? you said it was a long ride so im rly curious!! just tell me whenever!!! i might take some time to reply bc i only reply on desktop and ill be out the whole day but dont let that stop you from sending stuff if u want!!!

thank you so much for reading if you did, i hope you have a wonderful day and that if youre sleeping soon, youll have a good rest!! do let me know what youd like me to tag your asks with by the way! i love youuUU

[darby-drabbles]

Okay, so!! I made a couple posts last night, just casually talking about how I don’t really talk about some serious oc topics and how I usually feel weird posting them or going too in depth, like it’s not the right time to bring up the serious and sad topics or something like that. But after making those posts I actually started to ramble about something?? I went longer than I thought, though, it was hard to finish up this post and it was pretty late when I did. And, since I’m gonna be busy later today I decided I’d just, queue this for the morning an hope for the best.

I’ll put it under a read more, but this post will be talking about Izzy’s pregnancy/miscarriage so tw for that!

I’ve briefly mentioned before that Izzy got pregnant by Nate twice,, once during their first relationship and again years later after they hookup after the breakup with Chrissy. I might change this, but originally it was before they got back into an actual relationship again, it was just from a hookup? But also originally, they weren’t really going to be “an endgame couple”.. Now that I decided that they definitely stick together I may have this happen when they’re (just barely) in a relationship again. Still working things out, I guess!

She miscarried once and had an abortion once, but I switched which happened first. Originally she lost the first pregnancy before she even knew she was pregnant and aborted the second time, since their relationship was more like a rebound hookup at the time and she wouldn’t have wanted to have a baby that way. But at some point, since I started building up their Second Relationship more, I actually switched that. She aborts the first time, because they were younger and she just wasn’t ready for it. (I mean she’s Still Not Ready but like. they were much younger and immature for sure) and the after Chrissy one was a miscarriage. She still didn’t really know she was pregnant for A While, but she did find out before she lost the pregnancy. I do not knoow if Nate knew..

The reason I mentioned Mark’s girlfriend, Anna, in this post was because of the pregnancy, and that’s kinda why I started making this post I guess? I don’t think she knew toooo much about her suicide attempt, she knew it happened just because she’s so close to Mark and Mark is obviously very invested in the lives of Izzy and his lil brother, but it was still pretty private between Izzy and Nate for the most part, you know? But with the pregnancy,, Izzy didn’t really feel comfortable going to NAte? She was kinda worried about how he’d react (but she shouldn’t have been,,, that makes me sad ahhh) just because she wasn’t doing too good she got worried about it.. And she doesn’t have a ton of people to turn to for advice about this kind of stuff, but I think she’s decently close enough to Mark’s girlfriend to ask for help. Again Anna wouldn’t have said specifics about it at all to anyone,, it’s Izzy’s personal business, but she’s close to Minnie and she’d just spent a lot of time in the hospital with a vry freaked out Izzy and I’m sure she’d mention that they were there, at least.

But anyway.. That seemed like a tangent... Izzy was depressed and felt pretty numb, she wasn’t eating much and stayed in bed a lot. Band practice was on hold for a bit and she took some time off her job w/ all the sick days she could manage. (When she did go in,, she wasn’t always There and zoned out a lot, but she had to do something) It wasn’t all BAD and she was definitely, slowly getting better. But a lot of days seemed to blur together, even when she spent them with Nate, even when things seemed alright. She liked the idea of sleeping with Nate more than actually doing it at the time, but she liked it as a distraction, and if that made her seem happy he’d, try to make her happy. She was on the pill but lost track of that very easily and whoops a daisy baby... But she didn’t realize she was pregnant, either? A lot of symptoms she passed off for other reasons,, she got sick bc she was drinking on an empty stomach, she felt tired and sore bc she just Always Was now. No period???? Her cycle was always messed up it didn’t matterrr.

When she finally suspected it, I think Drew and Mark were spending time with her and Nathan,, at his suggestion to maybe help get her mind off things. Izzy mentioned how she’d felt sick lately or something so of course, like he practically always does when Izzy says she was sick no matter the reason bc he’s a jackass,,,, Drew jokingly asks if she was pregnant, which she immediately laughed off and rejected like always because no way shut up.. But then she thought about it for a while. And.. maybe?!??? But that wasn’t something she wanted to talk about with her bandboys so she just kinda tries to stop thinkin about it. Of course she doesn’t stop though, the thought was planted in her head and I think the next day she sees if Mark can come over agaaain and bring his gf. And at some point when the bros are talking Izzy gets Anna alone and asks if she can get her a pregnancy test and keep it hush hush on the dl. She does and Izzy finds out she’s pregnant For Sure and gets very numb again. So Anna’s basically the first to know?? They weren’t incredibly close but they get along and it was good to have her there for support, even if she didn’t really know what to do to comfort her. Izzy just went to bed and cried so Anna and Mark had a kinda weird quiet dinner w Nathan and left... And when Nate came in to check on Iz she was already sleeping so he just snuggled up to her for the night.

It wasn’t long between when she found out she was pregnant to when she miscarried, just a couple days. She was pretty much a nervous wreck the whole time, tryin to figure out what she would do about it. She probably didn’t even tell Nathan, so she was thinking about how to do That, too, which made her even more nervous. Nate wasn’t there at the time and she was feeling awful with rly bad cramps and she was basically just curled up on the bathroom floor for a long time. It affected her very badly. She called Anna again since She Knew already and Nate was busy with whatever. It was,, unexpected to get a call to come over alone since, again, they weren’t That Close, but of course she did. And when Anna sees how bad Izzy was she called for paramedics,, which Iz hated she hates/is scared of hospitals and really did not want to go but clearly something was vry wrong so she didn’t really have a choice. So, again,,, Anna is the first to know she lost the pregnancy. [[It’s kinda weird to talk about Anna so much, I know she’s a minor character I’ve rarely mentioned and you probably don’t know her besides being a gf to the drummer,,, but, when this happens it’s pretty much her biggest role and connection to Izzy?? And since I hadn’t Really talked about it before,, you wouldn’t really know that?? Sorry about that!]]

Anna calls both Mark and Nathan to let them know where they’re at, but doesn’t really say what happened, she leaves that up to Izzy. I think she’d tell them both,, though she definitely wouldn’t have told Mark immediately at the hospital, that would take a while. Now that it’s,, over, I guess, she actually probably has an easier time telling Nathan, it’s just, more upsetting. Nate would’ve been supportive no matter what she decided to do about the pregnancy, and he doesn’t blame her for not telling him right away while she tried to sort out her feelings about it, but, he was upset he couldn’t fully be there for her. Izzy wanted to tell him about it, she just had to work up the courage first and it was a little too late, unfortunately. Izzy would definitely feel bad about it at first, but they actually talk about it for a while afterwards, I don’t think they’d ever really, ignore their feelings about what happened from each other, so that can be therapeutic.

I don’t want this to end so horribly sad, but I don’t know how to cheer it up while staying on topic and not completely ruining the mood and all. But I will say, this is essentially, the lowest point before Izzy’s on the road to recovery and things look up from here. She gets her depression more managed on medication again, her relationship with Nathan is definitely more official, ((and also,,, the version of the story with the mix n match ship?? They start dating Izzy after this, too! Two new bfs...... maybe even four. Lucky Girl.)) She starts writing songs and singing and playing bass again, so the band comes back from their little break. And they get good and play shows and do little tours again! They both want kids with each other eventually, it would just be much farther in the future, and they’d probably adopt, but,,, maybe someday. It’s not all perfect and it’s not like she doesn’t still get sad about this,, and this story is pretty much open ended, but, she’s much better I know!! A lot of the time I draw Izzy now is after this happens, since I love thinkin about Izzy and Nate being back together, and I love drawing her happy. so. That’s how you know that it’ll work out. :,))

Thank you for reading my big long sad post!