#whole family funny as fuck. except grandpa he can go die

[vulpinesaint]

man i see that little smile. you know he was so proud

[vtmb2s]

I had this from an ask meme from like 2 months ago or so and deleted the og post, I dunno why -_-  anyway it was in my google docs so I’m reposting it

🔥

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

You know… fun Zion Canyon trip!! (credit for this one goes to Dany cause I don’t have good ideas but the whole ordeal would actually happen pre-game, because that’s when the courier would most likely sign up for a caravan I think) 

Audrey thought Follows-Chalk was just messing with her when he said who they were gonna meet, no way this guy is still alive. Needless to say she hates him, she’s heard enough horrendous things about him in her NCR days to form her opinion. He didn’t like her much either aaaghhh how can you see through my fake atonement thing where I’m basically doing the same as before. (she doesn’t really see through it initially, she’s just too stubborn to buy the whole redemption arc thing from the beginning and ends up realizing that she just happened to be right). Understanding why she doesn’t trust him but also resenting that. 

Who felt romantic feelings first?

fjjhdsjhd he does probably, vaguely. She has a much harder time accepting it considering his background and all that, so that came later.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

YEAH! Both actually, enemies to vaguely friends to lovers and all that but like I said, Audrey has a much harder time coming to terms with this, she feels a little stupid about it because she knows what this guy has done!!! ( and he knows that, hence why he’s pushing it all down in favor of his stupid little revenge thing) He’s so weird and just looks like a mummy, what is there to like objectively. But she does. What thematic parallels do to a mfer 😔

Who initiated the relationship?

She did… Canyon visit nr 2, she technically fucking hates it there but for some reason she wants to go back (well. you know why), perhaps just a little vacation. And well there was clearly something there so why act on it. The most embarrassing moment of her life but it’s worth it I suppose. 

Who said “I love you” first?

Also her… Sorry queen you have to do all the work

Who gets jealous easily?

I think him but not in a way where he’d say anything, he’s just like 😐 but you can’t see it because. bandages. And Audrey has no competition lol so. 

Who is more protective?

Also him, she gets into more stupid shit and isn’t as crazy. 

Who remembers the little things?

She does :)

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

God neither. They’re too weird for pickup lines. If anything Audrey would list a few bad ones she overheard on the strip as a joke.

What does a first date look like for them?

They don’t go on dates lmao. What is there to do in a canyon, they’d just go to some random place where there are no other people and talk about whatever.

What do they like to do together?

Just mundane things, doing random shit while one is talking about whatever. A lot of times it’s just Audrey chatting about something funny or weird that happened to her on her travels while she puts on one of her favorite holotapes and does something, her stories are more light-hearted after all :/

Other than that… nothing too insane, they’re too weird to have proper hobbies. Her making him read his stupid mormon bible out loud so she can hear his sexy grandpa voice 😍

Do they like PDA?

No -_- maybe hand holding when no one’s looking, if anything. 

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

God he’s probably gonna die if she tries to spoon.

Does one like the cuddle more than the other?

She does but it’s not really possible sometimes. Leans against him until he's like aha. okay that’s enough :/

Who hogs the blankets?

Audrey does. She never sleeps much when she’s travelling so when she finally does get a proper night’s rest it’s limbs thrown around. Taking the entire blanket for herself. Sleeping for 20 years.

Do either of them like to cook?

I can’t imagine either, she just does it out of necessity. She can’t cook though, it’s blamco mac and cheese every mf day.

If they get married, who proposes first?

Godddd realistically he would at least think about it but they don’t get married lol. The mental image of it makes me cringe too much.

What kind of wedding do they have?

:/

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

NO LMAOOOOO no one wanted them to get together and pretty much everyone would object to it if they knew. She probably doesn’t tell her family but if they knew they’d be against it, for obvious reasons. She doesn’t tell her friends either except Callisto lol, who thinks it’s epic somehow. Great Khan past and all that, not that she agrees with the legion in any way but 🤷‍♀️

Do they have any kids?

Maybe they do… maybe not. Who knows, I don’t control them.

(I made up two but Idek if they exist. a son named Ben and a daughter, Rachel. they’re weird and that’s all you need to know)

Do they have any pets?

I was gonna say no but she still has Rex who she forgot to return to the King ����

DIANA/KING

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

In the followers' camp, not long after she moved to Freeside :) iirc the King tells a story about how he went to the Followers Camp to seek help regarding Rex and ended up yelling at them and even knocking out a few doctors.. something similar, one of his guys got their ass beat and the King got impatient and asked why tf this is taking so long. And Diana told him to sit his ass down and wait, which resulted in an argument 🙄 As for the first impression. Diana thought he was just your typical annoying man, maybe sexy and in a cooler suit than the guys on the strip, but annoying nonetheless. And the King thought she was being rude and had a big mouth. But again, kind of in a sexy way.

Who felt romantic feelings first?

THE KING… pretty quickly actually. A few months after the argument they had at the old mormon fort. For Diana on the hand it took a little bit longer :/

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Hm not really, but like I said Diana didn’t really fall that fast for him. She met him shortly after she left the Gomorrah (she was a dancer, not a prostitute but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t seen and experienced some shit) so she’s not really thinking about men and pretty much ignores him flirting with her (also he stops once he finds out about her past lol). She figures she likes him because they do have the same principles and something about being good people in a shitty world and all that so there’s a lot of admiration there, also their shared love for music and stuff. Elvis things. But she’s trying to heal from the shit she witnessed at the strip so no thanks!! Until… until...

Who initiated the relationship?

Well… technically him, he was the first one to flirt with her probably but she never really paid any attention to it. The actual relationship though.. her.

Who said “I love you” first?

Diana but I think he would have said it too… she was just faster 😌

Who gets jealous easily?

Both do. She’s sexy so nasty old men will flirt with her while she’s doing her job but the King doesn’t have to know that because he would be MAD. Diana on the hand will act like she’s mad at him when random people are being a little too friendly with him -_-

Who is more protective?

HE IS… that one text post about saying “that’s my wife” and punching someone. Yeah.

Who remembers the little things?

He does :) Little things she likes, her favorite song or stupid little things she finds funny… sigh

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

THE KING but unironically. Some Elvis shit, telling her she got him “all shook up” or something and she’s into it!!!

What does a first date look like for them?

He wouldn’t say this counts (she would) but technically that one time she was doing some random music thing with her freeside kids for fun and he showed up to talk to her and Diana was like. Hey wait, why don’t you stay and sing something for these kids :-) it was stupid but fun I guess and they hung out after, her saying how impressed she was because her kids were having a good time and so was she :)

What do they like to do together?

Like on the (unofficial) first date, doing random performances together. I guess he can sing (I think?? all Elvis impersonators can sing in my mind) and she’s a dancer so.. fun!! Other than that, watching random Kings member #58 perform on their little stage, going to ugly Freeside Casinos and leaving immediately after they lose 3 caps, just fun things!! Also he likes to listen to her talking about random stuff she read in her magazines. 

Do they like PDA?

Fuck yeah… Diana constantly having her legs in his lap whenever possible, him having his arm around her shoulders or on her waist all the time. Physical contact but in a cool way. 

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

They wouldn’t spoon I think but she’d sleep on his arm :) wakes up and it’s numb but that’s okay

Does one like the cuddle more than the other?

Like I said. constant physical contact (but in a cool way) but actual cuddling WOULD be a thing in private.

Who hogs the blankets?

Diana -_-

Do either of them like to cook?

l can’t imagine him being able to cook but she can. Yes I do the cooking yes I do the cleaning. 

If they get married, who proposes first?

There’s no real proposal probably, It would just come up in a conversation and they’d decide to have one of these quick Las Vegas weddings.

What kind of wedding do they have?

Again. One of these quick Las Vegas weddings… people get married by the King but who marries HIM 😔 (probably one of the other kings). It’s not much but it fits them, I don’t think huge wasteland weddings are much of a thing anyway (or weddings in general) sooo...

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

No one objected, except maybe annoying ass Pacer for literally no reason and some random followers :/ As for Pippa and Isabel (Diana’s besties), they didn’t meet before she started dating the king so they obviously weren’t rooting for them to get together but they wouldn’t object to it either, I think. Isabel certainly doesn’t, she likes the King and thinks they fit. Idk what Pippa thinks she’s not my oc, but I don’t think she’d object to it either.

Do they have any kids?

NO lmao. No biological ones at least, Diana has her Freeside orphans though that she takes care of (kinda), they’re basically her kids. She even refers to them as such :-)

Do they have any pets?

Heh… Rex :-)

GEORGIE/C*RVO

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

In the distillery district 😳 On the first mission, Georgie prob caught him sneaking around her clinic (by accident) and was like. WTF get out with your creepy mask… wait ACTUALLY since you’re good at sneaking can you get me [random thing for her medical research that she has tried to get her hands on for ages] and i can give you a discount on health potions and free leeches 😏 NPC behavior… 

Georgie thought the mask looked fucked up and he seemed mysterious but well. She meets strange people every day so 🤷‍♀️ Also she thinks it’s kind of sexy. He thought she was a bit strange, but ig he liked her. She’s funny. 

Who felt romantic feelings first?

GEORGIE. relatively quickly actually, she really likes him early on but she doesn’t really say anything with Jess’ death being so recent :/ He does… later on, about two or three years after dh1, probably when she’s on official business in dunwall tower (YES underqualified royal physician Georgie is a thing now 💕) and she remarks a random cut he has on his cheek & turns his face to get a closer look and he’s like 😳😳😳😳 why do I like that she just did that. Love Wins.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Her kind of, again with the whole Jessamine thing because it was so recent and she’s like aaagh i'm not gonna hit on a guy in mourning so she tries to ignore it 😐 

Who initiated the relationship?

GOD technically Georgie, she didn’t say anything of course because she’s too weird but she does kiss him first... and makes him leave right after :/

Who said “I love you” first?

He does… Georgie would NEVER say it first and doesn’t say it right back immediately but. He knows she’s weird about things so it’s okay.

Who gets jealous easily?

Her. That is a thing. 

Who is more protective?

Both :-) 

Who remembers the little things?

Also both but mostly him. Remembering the weird little things she offhandedly mentioned she likes. Or her little plague research things. 

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

Both but they’d just whisper them to each other for funsies when they’re somewhere. In public.

What does a first date look like for them?

They wouldn’t have a proper official first date but it’d likely be some random event they’d both be at when she’s the royal physician (I don’t think she’d get invited to anything but well. Maybe the Boyles run out of crazy things to do at their parties and invite her) Or taking a walk at Dunwall’s somewhat nicer-looking docks. Something boring. 

What do they like to do together?

Also boring things. They’re old, nothing too crazy. Chatting about random stuff whenever she’s over at Dunwall tower, taking walks in the gardens together and watching ships or something, talking shit about aristocrats that they find annoying or just about weird hobbies, maybe she can bring him along to meet her friends (who he already knows) to look at rats in alleyways but he eats them idk. Summons a whole swarm of rats but they end up trying to kill them 

Do they like PDA?

NO. I don’t think she’d be too much into the whole ~aristocrat life~ after becoming the royal physician and just does business-related things but neither would want people talking about this. Semi-secret relationship for no reason and they’re both more private sooo

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

She’s the little spoon.. likes being held :)

Who hogs the blankets?

He does -_-

Do either of them like to cook?

No lol

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

I think the only person really knowing of this is Marzanna (AGAIN. by dany… Georgie is also besties with Slackjaw… the Rat Smackers. but she wouldn’t tell him about this lol), who would probably not object to it?? but I don’t think anyone else would be rooting for them. I guess Emily likes her as her cool doctor but NO WAY that’s gonna be her stepmom :/

Do they have any kids?

No :/

Do they have any pets?

Georgie has a cat. Not together though, Pluto is hers.

[sapphosvioletts]

yeah but private school is $$$$ like damn dove

yeah during heat waves and stuff my nephew(1) has a small kiddy pool so all of us kids pile up in there yes you read that right 4 teens cramming a kitty pool to try to cool down lol

yeah it was terrible but i had my own room in my basement(not basement in a weird way lol) so i finally got to actually relax after school in my room. and me and my family moved to a bigger place so I'm all good honey

oh okay las Vegas, i honestly don't know why i got a uk vibe from you lol

i live on an Vancouver island(I'm not afraid to share the general area of where i live) so its usually pretty cold, but the bad part is that it never snows, only when i go to my dads and he lives in my come town Chilliwack(i know weird name) and i like never see him so i its sucks

las vegas seems like a cool place to live tho

~🕷

oh yeah they are so expensive it's ridiculous, and most aren't even that good (at least here)

omg, thankfully my grandmas house had a neighborhood pool so we could go there in the summers but we did have a kiddy pool at one point because summers are so hot here. this summer it got up to 118f degrees (according to google thats 47 celsius since ur canadian lol) so summers are like miserable here lol

that's good you had the basement to yourself!! probably made things a bit easier. fun fact, in vegas we don't have basements and ive always wanted a room in a basement but we don't have any lol in utah my brother and i would spend like all of our time in my grandpas basement we thought it was the coolest thing just cause we don't have them here lol

and omg nope i'm not built for the cold. but i'm also not built for the heat either i would much rather it be freezing than hot. but as someone who has lived in las vegas my whole life, i find it impressive that you don't die in the cold 😭 BUT NO SNOW?? THATS SO DISAPPOINTING

and eh it kinda sucks here lol there are some good things but mostly everyone who has grown up here hates it lmao literally everyone i know that is graduating besides one person is leaving vegas bc everyone hates it here lmaoooo it's definitely more of a vacation spot, and you can't even do anything fun if you're under 21. except a lot of times they really don't care especially the casinos here (oh we have casinos fucking everywhere i'm not even joking there's one right at the entrance to my neighborhood, which is next to a fucking school, which is right next to a liquor store lmao yes i went to that school and we had to spend recess inside sometimes bc there would be drunk people outside from the casinos and liquor store lmao and that perfectly sums up vegas for u) and they don't even care if minors are on the casino floor like they can tell if you grew up here it's an instinct thing i guess lmao and if they can tell they just don't give a fuck. sometimes minors have even gambled but since they grew up here they didn't care lol

the only good thing that comes out of growing up in vegas is all of the funny concerning stories i have lmao

[iit-s-kitty]

"My problems with Rise of Skywalker, because fuck being neutral this movie was a crime"

Written by a disappointed Star Wars fan that happens to ship Reylo, and who will most likely ends up rewriting this mess in her fanfiction

The ridiculous fast pace: seriously, this movie feels like the project you forgot to do on holidays and the due date is tomorrow, so you're just doing the "important plot points": The Palpatine plot? Check. The Rey's parents plot? Check.

The lack of closure for the character's storylines: throughout the sequels it was stablished storyline that allowed for the development of different characters. For example, Finn learning that escaping is NOT the way of opposing the First Order, Poe learning to be the leader the Resistance needs, Han coming back in order to face that what became of Ben's was equally his fault as well as Snoke's, and the most important ones being Rey and Ben's journey. Here? All forgotten. Suddenly we erased whatever happened in the last two movies and give everything for granted, because no one gives a fuck about what happened. Poe is the same as he was, Finn is still hung up on Rey and exhibits no personality of it, Rey has no sequels of what happened in Ach-To at the cave or in the Throne Room with Kylo, and speaking of which...

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH KYLO? We cut the last movie on the biggest cliffhanger for this character: he had killed his master in order to gain more power (ironically surpassing Darth Vader... Only that Kylo did it in order to protect Rey, something he wasn't looking for and ended up wanting her at his side), became the Supreme Leader and witnessed the almost complete wipeout of the Resistance as well as Luke's demise. Yet to him it meant nothing because the only person that managed to connect with him decided to stick to her own path and giving an open door to the redemption arc. The logical step was having him as this ultimate boss they all had to defeat, The Supreme Leader... That would progressively become more and more disenchanted with it. Snoke is gone, his abuser is finally gone but what can he do about it? He still has all this rage, all this pain. Think of Zuko when he finally "regained" his honor by supposedly killing the Avatar, yet he felt it wasn't worth anything because he had betrayed the only person that cared for him, in Kylo's case it would be the "death" of Leia, the lack of closure on his part with Luke, Han's death and of course, Rey turning his back on him. What does RoS do? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Sure, Kylo does redeem himself but the way of doing so...

What the hell with Kylo's redemption? Sure, it happened but the execution was awful. If Kylo was to be redeemed it needed to be EARNED. I'll take again Zuko's example: Zuko not only faced remorse that he was lying to the face of everyone and that Azula could rat him out, it all felt empty because all these people had never cared for him, unlike Iroh did— and now Iroh was imprisoned, starving and humiliated in the deepest cell of the Fire Nation because of him. Sure, he regained his honor, but it comes to a point where he himself said it: "I'M MAD AT MYSELF, because I can't tell the difference between right and wrong anymore". Then, he learns of what his grandfather Sozin did to the Avatar, his best friend, and he knows what to do: the only way to truly regain his honor is to right what his family did wrong and help Aang bring balance. He tells Ozai (which funny enough is voiced by Mark himself) a beautiful "The reason you suck" speech and goes out of the palace to help the Gaang and... They don't want him there. They're ready to kill him on the spot because of all Zuko made him went through and Zuko does NOTHING to stop them. He fully accepts the guilt of what he did and shows with actions that he truly means to redeem himself and train Aang. And even then he faces suspicion and prejudice by the whole Gaang at first. Then, on the Sozin's Comet he helps them by defeating Azula with Katara and helping in the search for Aang, and becomes Fire Lord by the end of the series, intending to start a new Era of peace with Aang's help.

What I'm trying to say here is that, if they were trying to redeem Kylo, fine, do it! I know that the fans of the character (which aren't few) and fans of ships like Reylo were rooting for a redemption of Kylo. But if that route was the one to be taken, then Kylo had to, as we say here in my country, "go through a fuck ton of work to do so". He would first need to doubt whether this was the true path for him (something he was already doing), see the true extent of what the First Order was doing, throw a few punches with him and Leia's relationship as well as his relationship with Rey. They needed to work on his reasons to switch to the Light side of the Force in order to do the redemption and yes, we could say they did it with the Reylo, which I'm a fan of. But it was rushed, sloppy, it wasn't earned ffs.

Leia, Han, Luke, and the whole treatment of the original trio in this shtick: I know, I know that Carrie Fisher is dead and everytime I remember it, I kid you not, I cry because she was a wonderful woman that showed me that despite my mental illness I could still do something worthwile with my life, that I could take the pain to do something beautiful with it. And Leia is a wonderful example of a female character. I know that because of Carrie's death they couldn't do a lot with the character— but that is not an excuse then they put a woman on CGI with her face in order to give "closure" to her character, and I'm sorry but if that was closure for Leia then I'm princess Diana. Leia was Kylo's mother, if someone was rooting for Ben to come back then it was her (as well as Rey, but that's something I'll discuss later) and if someone deserved to have a final moment with him, to see him come back, IT WAS HER. Let me explain, as I said before, even the members of the original trio had a journey of their own here: Han's was trying to reach out for a son he didn't always treat right (if not that he outright feared him) and take responsibility as a father; Luke's was coming to terms with what he did, come out of his depression and acknowledge that Ben can indeed come back as well as to take responsibility for his mistakes. Leia's, given her role as a mother figure throughout this trilogy as well as a leader for the rebellion, was learning to accept the help of a new generation and to guide them, as well as trying to reach for her son in order to make him see the true path. If Kylo is Zuko, then Leia is Iroh here (someone should make a fanart of Kylo apologizing to Leia like Zuko did with Iroh btw). But NOPE, her only purpose is to die so that REY has to have compassion for Ben and then let HAN, OF ALL PEOPLE, reach out for Ben. The whole last movies were building for a moment with Kylo and Leia, to have either a confrontation or a reunion and even if they had the means to do so despite Carrie's death, they gave us nothing. Zero. Nada. Leia died being a prop to Rey and not even her arch with the Resistance was closed. What a rip-off!

Why the hell do we have to bring the Emperor back? No, really, fans of Star Wars— why do we have to bring Sheev Palpatine back and WHY did it have to be the way it was handled? You want to him back? Okay, do so, BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT UNDERMINES ANAKIN'S STORY. By bringing Palpatine in a "he was always alive" fashion, not only do we open the door to a fuck ton of plot-holes, but we shit on the entire Original Trilogy and the journey of Anakin Skywalker. He died for nothing, yes, he saved his son— but the Galaxy was still on the clutches of this monster, HIS FAMILY WAS STILL IN DANGER BECAUSE OF HIM. Heck, as much as I think the EU was a mess with overated or downright badly written characters (cofcofMaraJadecofcof) the whole "The Emperor has a clone as a failsafe and thus come back" was a better way to bring him back. You wanted to make Rey the relative of someone important? Make her the Emperor's clone, the future vessel a le Sasuke and Orochimaru— BUT DON'T GIVE ME THIS SHIT.

Also, if Luke knew so well where the Emperor was hidden that he even made a MAP to him, why didn't he grab Leia (who's now an even better Jedi than he was, apparently), went to Exegol and beated the shit out of his old butt? IT WOULD'VE SURELY BEEN MORE BADASS THAN THIS.

Rey is now a damn Mary Sue: coming back to the theater with my friends, we joked that Rey is the maid of your grandfather that ends up being the one is given everything after your grandpa's death.

The last movie, Rey was given the harsh truth as well as us: not only were her parents pieces of shit that never cared about her, thus not coming back— but us, as viewers, were given the truth that there was no mystical lineage of heroes to explain her powers, that she was just... A nobody. She was the underdog, the Foil to Kylo's ascendancy of heroes and villains and all around famous people. Rey had always dreamed that her blood family would come back, that someone else would come and sweep her away from her personal hell— only to learn, from someone like Kylo, that no one was going to do so except for her. And it was a fucking amazing character arc!

But reddit theorist don't care about any of that. SHE CAN'T BE THAT POWERFULL UNLESS SHE IS SOMEONE'S DAUGHTER! And thus, we shit on the last two movies, her character and her development in order of pleasing people that couldn't stand her being the Jedi of the trilogy in first place.

Not only are her parents now tragic heroes that tried to save her (then why LEAVE HER WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? 👀), but the worst part is that they try to give us a "the family you make is more important than the one that birthed you" by her taking on the Skywalker name. Despite having her entire relationship with Ben going back to nothing on this movie and only kissing him at the end.

AND EVEN IF SHE TOOK ON HIS NAME, IT WOULD'VE BEEN "REY SOLO". ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING AT WHAT THEY'RE WRITING?

Rey deserved better than to be the fullfilment of dudebro's complaints and reddit theories.

This movie pulls ALL the punches: say whatever you want about The Last Jedi, but that movie had BALLS unlike Rise of Skywalker. C3PO can lose his memories in order to help the Resistance? DON'T WORRY, HE HAS A BACK UP. Chewie might be dead because of Rey, and thus opening the door for interesting character development as well as an emotional moment for us all? FUCK THAT NOISE, HE WAS ON ANOTHER SHIP. And now, Rey is a Palpatine, Ben dies because WHY THE FUCK NOT, and thus we ensure a narrative so paint by the numbers that would leave everyone happy, right?

The whole fucking Sequel Trilogy was about making a new path, taking risks and opening a new age— even if that meant to let go of the past (heck, it is said in TLJ). See it for yourself: TFA has a Stormtrooper deflecting, the death of HAN SOLO, and a woman who is a nobody being more powerful than the grandson of Anakin Skywalker; TLJ almost kills Leia, they tell us that Luke is responsible for Ben going to the Dark Side of the Force because of his paranoia, the Rebellion is left in shambles, Rey learns that her parents were alcoholics and are dead, and Luke sacrifices himself.

"But Leia died—" Leia died because Carrie is dead, Karen. Otherwise I bet you that she would've lived like Lando did.

We're so feminist and woke!... Or are we?: let's see: Rose Tico, because bigoted morons are a big sector of this fandom sadly, almost doesn't appear in this movie. In fact, she doesn't even talk to Finn despite the fact that the last movie build up to them being love interest.

They introduce us to the character of Zorrie, who appears like an old flame of Poe but doesn't stop her to being a person that would put herself above others— even if it means to throw them under the bus. That would make for an interesting character! But nope, she is only there to be an exposition bot for Poe and making him look good.

They introduce us to Jannah, a woc that like Finn, used to be a Stormtrooper and has fled the First Order and went into hiding, alongside people like her because of the sheer fear they have of being found. That would make for a kick ass plot were they regain their fight spi— but no, she's only there to make Finn look special.

This movie (and like many Disney live actions) appears to be "woke" in order to ensure a better box office, but that is— they look the part but don't exactly play the part. They only use this movements in order to further their own sales— they don't care about representation because, with what they did to Rose, they show you that the moment representation stops selling tickets they'll throw it out of the window.

If you agree and have more to say.

[vaguely-concerned]

Some more mass effect andromeda thinky thoughts as I run around heleus getting some achievements! 

- the murderous angaran ai is genuinely so fucking funny. “How are you feeling here on Aya?” “I hope you die” “Is there anything we could do to make you more comfortable?” “BURY THIS PLANET UNDER FIRE AND ASH” “o.oookay. Goodbye then.” “I HATE you.”

- I hope I never become irresistibly moved to write mass effect andromeda fic b/c there really is no other description for a good 70% of the expressions reyes makes than :> and how could one capture that in words

- as mentioned I’ve been doing a bit of achievement hunting and in the process I’ve been switching up a lot of gameplay stuff from how I handled it the first few times around and let me tell you it’s baller as fuuuuuuuuuck -- it just looks so awesome and is so satisfying between the maneuverability of the jetpack and biotic charge and the effects. special shoutout to what happens if you biotic charge a frozen victim enemy and the biotic pull/push combination. (throwing people around like ragdolls is actually so much fun I’ve kept doing it even after I unlocked the achievement lol)

- lol lol when you get meridian online there’s the montage of every planet coming back to life, right? well the one on kadara is from inside kralla’s song, with umi looking out at everything that’s happening. and all I can imagine is her jaded-ass voice going ‘what the fUCK did that asshole kid do now I only just cleaned up after the bar brawl he started with his krogan grandpa and now he’s rearranging the entire fucking planet right from under us goddess I need a drink’ 

- the implication that reyes ‘cards so close to my chest you won’t even know I’m playing’ vidal just does not shut up about how amazing ryder is to anyone who’ll listen gives me so much life. when you try to be mysterious and laidback but the human pathfinder is so fucking cute tho Y____Y (also go watch his scenes if you’re being standoffish with him the entire time -- he clearly wants ryder to like him so much right from the beginning, he’s doing so much work to no avail and I feel sort of bad for how funny I find it haha. interesting that it really does seem to be an emotional thing as well as y’know the practical/tactical benefits of having the pathfinder on his side. methinks the charlatan might be a bit lonely there behind all his masks lol) 

I think this is why I’m willing to give him some benefit of the doubt too, despite all the cloak and dagger stuff -- he’s so immediately drawn to ryder, who you can never make a bad person, really. something in him must respond to that, if potentially only in the ‘attracted to traits I do not possess myself’ way hahaha

- I love sam. so so much. some of the open world implementation is still grating (yes sam. yes I know I can mine this area for resources through my mining interface. we’ve been doing this for a hundred hours sam. you’ve been right here with me the entire time sam. please sam), but he’s SUCH a good and I’d argue underutilized concept (emotionally at least) and the best boy. the fact that he can get SARCASTIC on you fsdhfjsadh he’s growing and learning! he’s doing so from inside your brain which is kind of unsettling but also SO COOL! there’s something about that level of intimacy, of always knowing there will be someone there with you in your head that is super interesting and deserves to be examined more fully -- both how it could be comforting and how it’s  r e a l l y  not how people or ai are generally designed to work lol. 

he also gives us a unique link with our dad and I wonder if the writers would have explored that in more depth if there’d been more development time -- it practically SCREAMS out an invitation to get to play/see things from alec’s POV in short bursts, like the memories you unlock except you could go through playing it as him since sam is common to both of us. (see my ‘our dad comes back through either kett or remnant nonsense in the sequel and we need to find some way to connect with him’ idea. it would be. amazing. listen alec already looked at the ethical guidelines involved in creating ai and went ‘huh interesting ideas but not for me thanks!’, don’t tell me he wouldn’t have left some loophole in so this could happen)  

- reyes literally says ‘the cavalry’s here’ when we get to meridian and I for one love him more than words can express (he also asks us if we’re okay in sort of a sweet/worried way right before we get to the control room. aw buddy) 

- like we don’t think of them like that because we’re in control of them and see all the stumbles and awkwardness and how young they are all the time, but damn the ryder twins must look like something else to everyone in andromeda haha. they literally stride around like demigods restoring entire planets. on voeld spring non-metaphorically follows in their footsteps. shit dude if we’re talking realpolitik here the angara must feel  p r e t t y nervous about this -- there’s no one saying they can’t turn off the vaults as easily as they turned them on. I hope we get them somehow teaching the angara how to do it too, on a smaller scale at least, as a show of good faith or something in a sequel, because that power imbalance is disconcerting  

- I’m glad sam and I have such similar priorities whenever we’re on kadara. ‘maybe mr vidal would know. perhaps we should ask mr vidal about this. mr vidal said something relating to this pathfinder maybe we should speak to him’ . yeah sam i know the feeling, same (it does undeniably read as sam having a bit of a crush which is. hilarious?) 

- the fact that alec ryder thought ellen responded to his bad boy act in any way when what really charmed her was that he was a great big nerd <3 it’s kind of nice to see a fictional marriage that seems to have just been. nice and stable and chill? just two intellectual equals who like and respect each other very much and not a lot of drama until alec went full alec and started developing rogue ai instead of watching his wife die lol. again I would love for the sequel to involve ellen finally waking up and being like ‘death? trying to claim MY husband? I do not think so, I can die he can’t he’s not leaving me behind’ and helping out and you realize that the reason they were soulmates was that under the relatively rational and unemotional surface they’re both, at heart, batshit crazy mad scientists who are insanely devoted to each other. imagine it tho! the people of andromeda realize alec ryder is back from the dead somehow and doing some Shit out there, they put a ton of resources into curing ellen’s disease because their best shot is something to do with the implants she made, hey presto we’ve got all ryders on the board and in play. 

- just want to make it clear that I’m still sad about avitus rix and hope he’s having a good day

- do you think ryder ever asks sam to read something to him ‘aloud’ in his head if he’s anxious and can’t sleep. or just to talk at him about something boring until he nods off. again the possibilities inherent in the concept!!! he has someone who’s closer to him than any other person could be, what’s that like? 

- *me sticking to my sidewinder pistol the whole playthrough even though it’s laughably inefficient* I just wanna feel like a cowboy bioware please work with me here

- the male ryder voice actor has such amazing comedic timing, there’s a lot of reaction stuff out in the field he absolutely nails. I enjoy the female voice too and I like how much emotion she manages to convey towards the end of the game especially, but there’s a casual comedy in male ryder’s voice that can’t be beat. (well, it’s not hawke levels, but then nothing ever is, that’s too much to ask)

- I love vorn and kesh so much. nerd krogans unite & make out

- I still want to sit peebee down and have a long serious talk with her about emotional abuse, maybe give her a hug :( fuck kalinda 

- this game does not get enough credit for how stunningly beautiful it is, it all got buried under criticism about the animations and it’s a fucking shame. the last few vaults you go through are just mindboggling in scale and visual uh striking-ness. it makes me so sad to think there won’t be any more of it D: 

- I really like this mainly casual + logical dialogue options ryder I’ve found; it makes him sound like a younger and more irreverent version of his father, but also softer and less closed off and much more willing to show affection for his family especially. 

- i wonder if different people’s individual SAMs will take on a certain tone/unique pattern when they’ve coexisted long enough. have I mentioned. how much I want a sequel to this game 

- one last reyes note because don’t look at me okay -- I wonder how much we’re meant to read into ‘being honorable never got me anywhere’. on the one hand I’m fully prepared to believe he’s never even tried doing anything the honorable way in his entire life lol but on the other there’s also some interesting potential in the interplay of that sentence and ‘to be someone’. (there seems to be a deep fear in him both of powerlessness and of being truly seen/recognized -- he equates secrecy with safety pretty explicitly -- which seems... telling? of what I don’t know but telling all the same hahaha) like he might be saying he’s tried doing things the ‘right’ way and it didn’t work and the price was too high, so he just went for this instead with the ends low-key justifying the means. hmmm. :Ia (this is what happens when I get Attached to a character with like an hour of screentime my friends, and I’m already primed to give my entire heart away at the sound of nicholas boulton’s voice)

[best-enemies]

For the fandom ask meme thing can I request the whole damn alphabet or is that not very cash money of me? I’m nosy lmao I wanna know all of them!

AHDKAJSDKJAHSKDA JACK YOU’RE THE BEST

A - Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s)

I’ve had my current OTP for like almost 8 years and it’s, obviously, Thoschei (Doctor/Master). My other current obsession is the Gallifrey OT4 hehehe

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

It’s funny because I didn’t ship Hannigram at first... I’d thought the idea of a cannibal having a relationship was terrifying because what if they had sex and Hannibal got hungry in the middle of the act? Lmaoooo 

But yeah they’re my endgame now. I watched the show when it first aired and I was about 14/15 years old so now you see why I thought that. Although I’m still afraid I’m gonna be reading a fic and Hannibal will suddendly bite Will’s dick off or smth AKJHSAKJSAHSASKAJ

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will (be nice)

Uhhh Doctor/Clara. Mainly because I don’t like to ship the Doctor with companions (there may be one or two exceptions but I don’t ship them enough to actually say I ship them lol) and I don’t know I just never vibed with it

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice)

Doctor/River. I mean, I did like it for a while years ago but now it’s just... eh. I think she has a waaay better chemistry with the 12th Doctor, but still don’t ship it. I might give it a try once I listen to the River audios but so far meh. I’m not much of a multishipper anyway.

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what

God. I’ve written a couple of Academy Era (focused on the Deca) crack fanfics and I still have to translate them to English. They’re pure garbage but I love them. I have a lot of fun writing crack fics because they’re easier and I can ignore whatever piece of canon I want just for the laughs

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom

Guess it’s Doctor Who, been here (in and out of the fandom) for over 8/9 years

G - Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it

Uhhhh I think it was Han Solo and Leia, since I was a kid really. I wanted to marry both of them lol

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., tv shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)

I had to google what a source text is and still don’t know

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

I don’t think so, but Twitter definitively has. I remember a couple years ago I was curious to see what voltron was about and watched a few episodes, it was ok, fun and cute but the fandom was so annoying I stopped watching it for good and don’t care about it enough to pick it up again

J - Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr

I had definitively forgotten about supernatural until I saw it all over my dashboard in the year of our lord 2020 lmao like in my wholock days I tried to watch the show because everyone on my dash (is it still called dashboard?) was talking about it and I watched about 8 episodes before dropping it. But seeing it again on the dash was actually a happy surprise because the memes are too funny hahaha

K -Say something nice about someone in any of your fandoms

I’m extremely shy irl and on the internet as well but I wanna say that  @janeturenne is one of the best authors ever and her fanfics are a blessing in my life; also @thebraxiatelcollection who brings awesome content to my dash and is also one of the best authors. And of course, you, Jack, also one of the best authors god I’m so BLESSED

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike)

Uhhh I guess I’m neutral about the current companions. They’re not my favorites but I don’t really dislike them - they had a lot of potential and chibs came up with some good storylines but did not develop them well in my opinion. I think Graham is a fun grandpa whom I’m going to miss when he leaves; Ryan is cool and could’ve done a lot more if the writers had kept a few things, it’d be awesome if he vlogged all of their adventures. He’s like the one I was curious to see more but sadly didn’t feel a connection; and Yaz, I hope she’ll keep growing and that her friendship with the Doctor will finally be developed to a level we can connect to her.

It sounds weird because with the fam it’s always ‘what I wish could have been’ because I never felt really connected to them :(

M - Say something genuinely nice about a ship that you don’t ship (or its shippers, or anything related to you)

Ok... I don’t really ship Rey/Finn but I think it’s one of the sweetest ships ever, and if they ended up together I’d be happy. They love each other and are there for each other always so, yeah :D

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

I don’t know if I got the question right but it’s three things I wish I saw more in my main fandom? Well, if it’s that, then, 3 things about the Doctor Who fandom: 1) people having more civilized or light-hearted discussions about things. Like, I genuinely disliked an 8th doctor audio I listened once that my friends loved, and they made fun of me and we joked about it. Also once we were in a live twitch video playing among us and discussing doctor who, and then we got into a ship “discourse” as a joke and nobody really cared and just laughed because everyone knew it’s fictional shit so why get mad over it? 2) Doctor Who has a titanic amount of content, it’s all canon but at the same time it’s not, so who cares? If you want to listen to Big Finish audios and if you can afford it, then lisiten; if you can’t, it’s okay, no one has the right to tell you you’re less of a fan. Just tell them to fuck off; 3) The best way to keep fandom alive is by creating content. Here in my local fandom we have several podcasts dedicated to all areas of the whoniverse (the show, the expanded universe, the audios, etc), those old fandom websites who do serious work to bring news to the fans, people who make subtitles for the classic series (we don’t have it available here so they do their best to make it accessible to other fans), accounts dedicated to promoting dr who fans who create content, and we even have people making their own audiodramas with dw characters and writing book-lenght fanfiction to help explain the show to people who’ve never watched it, and a great variety of things. I’ve seen a few of these things in the international fandom, mostly by older fans, so I wish younger fans about my age who have the means to make this kind of stuff would make it too. Maybe there’d be less twitter drama out there lol

O - Choose a song at random, which ship or character does it remind you of

“the killing moon” by echo & the bunnymen reminds me of thoschei. yep it was totally random

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas)

The fact that we don’t have a pride and prejudice AU for brax/romana yet is driving me insane

Q - A ship you’ve abandoned and why

I’ve mentioned it before but doctor/river, don’t really remember why idk I just don’t vibe with it anymore. But also because thoschei has so many different pairings in 1 ship that I don’t really feel the need to ship them with anyone else lol

R - A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships

GOD I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S SO SPECIFIC ok fellow academy era stans gather around if you have read Divided Loyalties there’s a scene where it SHOWS that Magnus had a crush on Ushas. And NO ONE HAS EVER TALKED ABOUT THEM and the power couple they would’ve made. I write them into all my fanfics in hopes of making other people ship them but I’ve had no success so far

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

The Master is a big fan of musicals and in the 77 years he spent on earth he watched every single one ever. I’m gonna be bold and say that when he was young, still Koschei, he was an artist, and thought about dropping everything to become an actor on Gallifrey. Time Lords do appreciate art, and have their own plays, but it’s just the same old and boring ones the young people don’t care about. The Master then created a shocking performance that was way ahead of its time and the older Time Lords were so appalled they banned him from writing and presenting plays and that’s his villain origin story

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

1) The Doctor and the Master married on Gallifrey and the entire show is just them having the most litigious divorce in the universe (still isn’t final because the Master has killed all the judges); 2) Ushas/The Rani is ace; 3) The Deca was a 10 people polyamorous relationship; 4) Romana and Livia were girlfriends at the Academy and they hate each other now because the break up was baad; 5) Romana writes fanfiction; 6) Romana/Leela had a thing in Davidia I KNOW it; 7) Leela pegs Narvin; 8) Brax has a life-size painting of Romana at his collection or a statue or smth; 9) Brax’s dream in Reborn is actually REAL and he’s married to Romana, Leela and Narvin all at the same time

U - 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms

I don’t even think I’m in 5 fandoms but

Doctor Who: The Master, The Doctor, Romana, Leela, Sarah Jane, Bill (this was the hardest thing ever)

The X-Files: Mulder, Scully, Monica, and can I add The Lone Gunmen too?

Star Wars: Leia, Obi-Wan, Finn, Poe Dameron and honorable mention to Din Djarin and Grogu

Hannibal: Hannibal, Will, Bev, Alana, Chiyoh

V - 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms

That’s hard

Doctor Who: thoschei ofc, gallifrey ot4.......... uuhh as you can see i don’t ship many pairings in the show

The X-Files: Mulder and Scully. And whatever Scully and Monica had going on because they definitively flirted

Star Wars: Poe/Finn, Han/Leia, whatever Han/Lando had going on too

W - 5 favorite ships and 5 kinks you like best for said ships

WHATVASHAJSKAJSA ok this is a little embarassing but I don’t have a lot of kinks for many ships... I guess I have some for thoschei like, choking, whipping, blindfolds/gagging, bondage, begging, biting, sem-public, phone sex, dirty talk, body worship, praise kink, etc. Alright alright I know it’s a lot but in my defense they've shown half of these on the show

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

The Master, Romana, Leela, Brax, Narvin, Bill Potts, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane, Donna Noble, Lucie Miller. No particular order for most of them but the Master is my precious baby and I will die for this mf

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)

Not many, usually the people I follow are in the same fandoms as I am but I’ve seen some mutuals reblog some Hadestown stuff which is a play that I’ve never seen but definitively would because the protagonists look hot 

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go (prompts optional but encouraged)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES IT MEAN

it took me three hours to do this but it was fun!! thank you bb <3

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[mr-blake]

Brick, Mordecai, Tina, Hammerlock siblings, and August for the ask thingy if you want? :~D

holy hecK ohboiohboiohboi

ALSO I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET TO AAAHH

but here we go

Brick:

First impression: big funny chara in a duo dynamic, possibly recurring rival? heart of gold. too brief an appearance. (tftbl is what opened the door to borderlands for me so ye ckxbdk)

Impression now: Best Big Boi. Heart of gold. He's as full of muscle as he is full of love. I'd die for him. For the love of god let him have a dog that lives.

Favorite moment: Ohhh too many god. Like all of the commander lilith dlc. The whole "no one's ever said that to me before...I LOVE YOU MAN!!" Just. All the moments. There's also some bits at the end of the normal story of BL2 that are gold bUT one's a dirty joke so im hushity.

Idea for a story: iii got a fic/animatic idea that's been bonking around in my head for a while. It's mostly story that fills in between the gaps of the first and second bl games.

Unpopular opinion: pfbbbtt i cant rlly think of one except that he, along with the rest of the original vault hunters don't get enough love in the fandom? Granted, that's been like. Changing lately with BL3 coming out n the new Commander Lilith DLC finally being enough of a push to get some folks in the fandom lovin him.

Favorite relationship: well, obviously i ship him and mordy, but that relationship being golden is a given, so imma say the paternal bond he's got developing with Tina bc it's so fucking wholesome and sweet and also rlly funny bc they are both balls of chaos.

Favorite headcanon: oohh there's a lot of good ones. but rn the fave i can think of atm is that he has an actual living dog in bl3 bc it's what he deserves and it could very well just be missing a leg. Let him have a dozen dogs or more plz. Let the puppers be bffs with Talon too.

Mordecai:

First impression: tall scrawny mc-pointy beardy guy in a funny lil duo dynamic. Thinks he's rlly cool, and sounds like he practices things he says to people to try and make other people think he's cool but he's wearing a blanket wrapped around him like a toga shirt thing does he have back problems wonder if that works. his interactions with muscle man are adorable and cute plz tell me we can see more of them this is too brief of an appearance come back. (again, tftbl was my intro to bl, so find my happy surprise that he n brick were in all the rest of the bl games cjxkcb)

Impression now: tired bird grandpa with a heart of gold. he's the sweetest, most caring lad. I stan him so much he's such a great dad, he deserves better im so happy he's recovering. i love his sense of humor. i love his birds. he deserves happiness and the world and his b team family. i love him i love him i love him i love h-

Favorite moment: uNGH all of them. He has so many good moments, in and outside of the games. But rn imma just say the whole of the Commander Lilith dlc bc that was chock-full of Grade A Mordy content, from sweet and wholesome to rlly funny.

Idea for a story: Aaaalll my fic/art/animatic ideas basically. im kind of a gremlin when it comes to my ideas for some reason, but like it's hard to explain them without basically infodumping a summary of some big fic idea i have. But uH ig with my latest lil art comic i did?? it def involves my idea with which Mordecai and Roland first encountering Tina when she was little bc Dad Time™️.

Unpopular opinion: iiiiii rlly am not a fan of how a lot of the fandom has basically stuck him with the personality of Old Drunk™️ bc uH. For one, he's not anymore. He's recovering. And two, he wasn't always like that and people need to take note that for the duration of the main BL2 storyline, he was at one of the lowest points of his life which led him into falling deeper and deeper into alcoholism and being actually rather out of character for himself. So like. Commander Lilith DLC was a good glimpse at Mordy being presented more in character than ever. Not the other way around.

Favorite relationship: Besides the obvious of him being married to Brick and being a dad to Tina bc i adore that a lot and they are def faves, i;;;; rlly love his bonds with Lilith and also esp Roland. Like,,,, outside of the game,, mordy n roland have had some adventures and how they click and connect with each other is rlly interesting and fun and also a big thing i wanted to explore in one of my bigger fic ideas cjdbfkfb.

Favorite headcanon: he's a great friggin dad?? but like. that's canon. i have. a lot of hcs for him. I'd have to make a whole ass post just for him with those tbh.

Tina:

First impression: gremlin child

Impression now: chaos with a heart of gold (yes they all have hearts of gold chdbdkb). she's been through a lot and the whole chaotic persona she's built up seems to be a way to cover up a lot of the pain and suffering she's gone through. iiiim hype she's teamed up with her dads and she better be mcfuckin having these parents stay alive or ill die.

Favorite moment: the whole of the Commander Lilith DLC, but also the butt stallion mission that led to the origins of bl3's b team.

Idea for a story: same fic ideas ive mentioned before cjfjxkcb

Unpopular opinion: i am definitely critical with how various aspects of her character are portrayed, but that's on bad/problematic writing on gearbox's part so i kinda just. ignore those. like im sure a lot of folks who enjoy her character do.

Favorite relationship: her and all of her dads. im a sucker for found family

Favorite headcanon: it was both roland and mordecai who first found her which is why after roland's passing that she's protective of mordy. bc it was only roland and mordecai who knew her full story and had been trying to fill in paternal roles for her after the trauma of what hyperion did. and like hell she's going to lose another parent again.

also aHHH im soRRY I would do all but im such a rambler fbdkxBcfkb i hope just these 3 for this post is okay?

[dikanamai]

—Rosa Rivera, in the Land of the Dead <3

I'm not very fond of AUs, but there's a kind of fic in the Coco fandom that I really like a lot: retellings of the movie with a little divergence or some sort of role reversal/role switch.

Some of the fics I've read and enjoyed the most over these months are like this. Like Elegy, my very favorite, in which Imelda is the one who gets cursed in 1942, after Ernesto's death, and visit the Land of the Dead to find out the truth (Elegy isn't a retelling of the movie, but follows a similar plot). Or Shaken by How Long it Took, an actual retelling of Coco, but with an important canon-divergence: Miguel found the wedding photo of Héctor and Imelda years ago (with Ernesto as padrino) and he knows since the beginning Héctor is his great-great-grandpa. This fic is sooo sweet and heartwarming, because both Héctor and Miguel develop a beautiful relationship. Fluff and family bonding.

Other examples are The search for the Female Mariachi, with a role switch between Héctor and Imelda (so she was the one who left and the one who guides Miguel in the Land of the Dead). Or Miguel, a fic with a complex multi role swaps (still on-going). And I'm sure there are more that I've missed.

The last one I've read is Rosa's Journey, a fic that FINALLY follows a plot I was eager to find: Rosa's the one who goes to the Land of the Dead, instead of Miguel. I've been thinking about it a lot. How would've Coco been if the main character was Rosa? I got very excited with Rosa's Journey, though the role switch isn't just between Miguel and Rosa, but between Héctor and Imelda as well (she's the one who left, again). There's a completely new villain, too: Ernesto doesn't exists and Imelda's colleague is a woman named Earlina de Paula. I've loved this fic and, to be honest, it's been a pleasure to read a Coco retelling with female characters in all the main roles (except for Héctor, obviously).

But this last fic let me thinking… what about a Coco retelling in which the only difference is who goes to the Land of the Dead? I mean, what about a Coco retelling in which Rosa goes to the Land of the Dead, but there's no actual role switch? Miguel is the one who wanna be a musician, he's the one who runs away, he's the one who's about to steal de la Cruz's guitar… but then, Rosa follows him, catches him in the cemetery and almost by mistake gets cursed by picking the guitar for Miguel. How many things would've changed then?

The idea got stronger and stronger, because it's a kind of story I would love to read. Rosa loves music too, but she loves and admires her family. She despises her great-great-grandpa for being a jerk. She doesn't idolize de la Cruz. She's sassy, funny, smart, sharp. So what kind of relationship would she develop with Héctor, who's salty, sarcastic, has no more fucks to give and also despises de la Cruz? I mean… wouldn't they be the perfect duo?! I've realized the relationship between Héctor and Miguel in the movie is kind of tense most of the time, because the kid adores Ernesto and Héctor doesn't want to disappoint him but knows the true face of that fucker. But if the kid had been a bit warier about Ernesto, their bond could've been very different. And, let’s be honest: taking care of Rosa would remind Héctor of Coco ALL THE TIME.

So I couldn't help but start writing my own retelling, because I couldn't stop thinking about it. In this story, Rosa lives the adventure that was meant for her cousin. The motivations and relationships between characters are very different. She meets a family she loves, she finds herself forced to look for a great-great-grandpa she despises and joins a trickster who has a lot in common with her. And it's being a joy. I'm writing it in a row (7 chapters by now, I'm in the battle of the bands) and I'd love to post it when I finish. But I wanted to share a little bit, because I'm enjoying it very much. So, if you're interest, here's a sneak peek of chapter 4, when Rosa and Héctor meet each other :D

Before reading: please, remember English is not my mother tongue and this is actually the first time in my life I write fiction directly in English (instead of translating something previously written in Spanish). Though I've been a writer for 20 years now, I'm not good at English. This is the first draft and it hasn't been revised. I have no beta readers, either. So any kind of tip, feedback or whatever would be very appreciate. Enjoy! :)

(...)

She thought she had lost him in the crowd, but spotted him again very quickly. It wouldn’t be possible to get too far with that limp, though he strode across the gallery with firm determination. He was crumpling the officer's warning and throwing it aside.

"Hey! Hey!" Rosa sprinted to him. "You, err… ¡señor! Do you really know de la Cruz?"

The man huffed loudly and began to turn. "Yeah, who wants to—" Then he saw her and shrieked so stridently it seemed to echo around the whole hall. "Y-YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Forget the curse: she was going to die tonight by a heart attack. Blind by the panic rush, she grabbed the man by the suspenders and pulled him rudely into a near phone booth to get out of sight. He pressed himself against the farthest corner, still as scared as if he'd just found himself trapped there with a chupacabras instead of a girl. He seemed about to start screaming again and she was going to throw up, seriously, she was going to.

"Stop yelling, por Dios!" she demanded frantically. "Sí, I'm alive! And just in case you haven't notice, I shouldn't be here right now! I'm in a big trouble and need de la Cruz's blessing to go back home in the Land of the Living!"

"You need— You just— Wait, what?" He was babbling, but then frowned. "Wait there, that's weirdly specific…"

Rosa grunted in frustration, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. Okay, this needed a direct approach. "He's my… great-great-grandfather."

"He's your WHAT?!"

"STOP YELLING!" She shook him, so on edge she didn't even notice she was shouting herself. "I need his blessing now, okay? A family blessing! I just wanna know if you can help me or not!"

"Okay, okay, okay, wait." He waved a hand to shush her and looked aside, a deeper frown shadowing his face as he focused on his thoughts. Some very complex thoughts, it seemed. "Wait, wait, waitwaitwait…" He started tapping on his chin, as if trying to figure something out, and Rosa started tapping her foot impatiently.

"Look, I don't have much time."

"It can't… but what if…"

"Could you just answer my question, ple—?"

"Yes. Yes!" He brightened up and flashed a wide smile at her. "Yes, you're going back to the Land of the Living!"

"No, I'm not, if we spent the whole night here!" Rosa put her hands on her hips, but then noticed his wild expression and grimaced. This guy's mind seemed to be racing even faster than her own, no brakes. Perhaps he had already lost it in full. "Aaand now it's when I start regretting all of this…"

"Nononono, listen up, niña!" He bent down a little, snapping his fingers under her nose. "I can help you, but you can help me too! I can help you, you can help me, we can help each other, but most importantly, you can help me!"

"Whoa…" Rosa couldn't but stare at him, raising an eyebrow. "And I thought I was desperate…"

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, his shoulders drooping. "Oh, you've noticed? How sharp!" Okay, that sounded far too salty. "Desperate is my second name, chamaca, nice to meet you."

"That's not very comforting…"

"Hey, hey, hey, look at the bright side! Since I'm desperate to cross over, I'm also desperate to get you to go home! Take it as a guarantee of my honesty, I'll help you!"

She narrowed her eyes, too. The guy was really something, but he didn't seem dangerous, despite his ragged appearance. Rosa was used to identify and avoid creepy men; they all had some kind of energy around them that gave her bad vibes just by being close. But this one just looked like… Miguel. A taller, older Miguel, as harmless as her cousin. She knew she couldn't trust a stranger and she would keep her eyes open, but maybe this could actually work. She glanced at Dante, checking for approval, and the dog was so calm she relaxed a bit.

"Okay then, don Despair." She shot him a smug gaze. "And what's your first one?"

"Héctor." He smiled and offered her his hand.

"I'm Rosa." She shook it and kept the grip to pull him out the booth. "And we're going right now, because I'm chased."

"That's new." She could hear his frown even without looking at him. "Chased by whom?"

But there was no time for explanations. Rosa had just put her feet in the hall, when a well-known female voice called out her name from the distance. She finally spotted her family far away, rushing down the staircase of the upper platform. And the punch of stress and dread hit her hard again, making her heart jump and her stomach twist.

"¡Ay, Dios! Come on, come on, COME ON!!"

She pushed Héctor to the exit, ignoring his complaints, and the three of them bolted to the street. They zipped through the revolving doors so fast that several skeletons broke apart as they slammed against the glass. But she couldn't stop now. Rosa leaped down the steps of the stairway in pairs, with the clack, clack, clack of Héctor's footsteps tripping at her side. Dante passed them by and threw himself into the crowd that filled the place, disappearing between legs and skirts. Too many people, too many. Rosa collided with some passersby who yelled at her, and she babbled apologies and turned around again and again, increasingly disoriented and scared, surrounded by unknown skeletal faces and too bright colors. She was already panting frantically.

"Dante!" she cried out in distress.

"Don't get lost, chamaca!" And suddenly Héctor was at her side, one hand keeping his hat on his head and the other one gripping her wrist to drag her across the plaza. "Over there!"

Rosa had only two seconds to peek over her shoulder one last time, to the Station. She couldn't see her family anywhere. If something went wrong, how…?

Dios, what I am doing?

They rushed together down more stairs and loped off through a few side streets, in that never-ending getaway. At last, they reached an empty, arched alley, far darker and quieter. He finally let go of her hand there, puffing.

"Whoa, that felt like a breakout. You're chased by the authorities, by any chance?" He gave her a questioning look. "Not that I mind, you know, and I know better than to ask unpleasant questions, but this is—" He trailed off when he saw her face and his little smile faded. "Oye, oye, ¿chamaca?"

Rosa wasn't listening. With her back against the alley's wall, she fought to catch her breath, shaking. This was madness. What a mess. Her heart seemed to be fiercely beating in her throat, and she could still see Mamá Imelda's eyes on her with that furious frown. Oh, Dios, she had just run away from Mamá Imelda! From Mamá Imelda! Had she lost her mind? She gaped in horror and cupped her own face, panic bubbling inside her chest once more.

"Hey, chamaca!" Héctor was snapping his fingers again to wake her up. "You okay?"

Her last bit of self-control cracked. "Do I look like I'm okay?!" Rosa shouted in a high-pitched voice, hyperventilating now. "I'm frigging cursed and I'm in the frigging Land of the Dead and I have to find a frigging celebrity before sunrise or I'll be frigging dead and— Oh, Dios, I can see my finger bones already, I CAN SEE MY FRIGGING FINGER BONES!!"

"Rosa!" Héctor grabbed her shoulders and shook her slightly. "Calm down! No yelling, remember? Stop the 'frigging' thing. It's okay, you're gonna be okay. You looked so clear-headed a moment ago it was almost a bit scary, you know. I'm sure you can handle this. You have a plan, right? Just focus."

He talked as if she wasn't right before him in a full panic and he knew her since forever, both things untrue. But his voice was soothing and sounded very reasonable. It reminded her of Tía Victoria and the way she had calmed her down in the cemetery an… hour ago? Two? It seemed like a lifetime. You're a very sensible little woman with a lot of common sense inside that head… Would Tía Vico still think that way? She didn't think so. Rosa groaned and buried her face in her fists. Breathe in, breathe out. Dante pressed himself against her leg and nuzzled her thigh, whining. His warm was comforting, and her pulse began to steady. Yeah, panic wouldn't help her to go back home. She had to focus. She had made a decision and she had to think how many things were at stake. She had to keep cold-head and make this work, whatever it costed.

She had to get de la Cruz's blessing.

"Sí," she whispered finally, and then she straightened up and looked Héctor in the eye. "Sí, I have a plan."

"Great!" He smiled reassuringly. "We'll make it, chamaca. Don't worry, sí?"

Rosa nodded and swallowed. "Gracias. Sorry, I just…" She tried to elaborate, but gave up with a grunt. "That… pinche Miguel!"

"Miguel?"

"Mi primo." Rosa took off her glasses and pressed a palm over her eyes for a moment, praying for her headache to give her a break. "He was about to do a very stupid thing and I tried to stop him. Then I did a very stupid thing and got myself stuck in here. Everything's been a roller coaster since then, I feel as if running for hours. But enough of that. How do we get to de la Cruz?"

"Hey, hey, slow down!" Héctor looked suspiciously hesitant. "First of all, we should do something about all that… that…" He waved towards her, from head to toe. "All that flesh of you. We won't get far if you don't blend in, you need a disguise. Got any makeup or face paint? Something we can use?"

Rosa rushed to unzip her pockets and sighted in relief when she found her little brothers' face paint still there. She only had white and black, and the old red lipstick of Tía Gloria, but that was enough. Héctor gave her a nod of approval and led her up the alley, till they found some crates and took a seat. Dante sat by their side and watched them closely, so incredibly happy again. The dog had relaxed after fleeing the Station and seemed very at ease around the stranger. Rosa took it as a good sign. Even if Héctor was a trickster, he had made a point before: his priority was crossing over the bridge, that much was obvious, so it was unlikely he could mean any harm. There was no point in hurting the only person who could help you.

"Hold still, hold still," Héctor murmured, so focused on her makeup that Rosa straightened up and held her pose. The quietness was very welcome after all the stress, she didn't mind the pause at all. But it was also pretty surreal to be sitting there, with a skeleton painting her face just as Tía Gloria would've done if she hadn't ended in that crazy place.

Perhaps she had just knocked herself out by falling from de la Cruz's sepulcro and was hallucinating the entire thing.

She really hoped so.

A few minutes later, Héctor finally looked satisfied. "Ta-da! The perfect calaverita!" He took a small mirror out of his pocket and held it in front of her. Rosa put on her glasses again and whistled in disbelief, actually impressed. It was a regular calavera makeup, but he'd got creative with the lipstick and had drawn beautiful patterns in her cheeks and around her brows. "Wait, no hood?" he added, peeking over her shoulder to the jacket's back.

"Err… no."

Héctor sighed dramatically. "Ay, okay, your hair. Let it down, we must hide those ears."

Rosa obeyed and he quickly parted her hair in two halves for a twin braids hairdo. He worked so fast, so I-know-perfectly-what-I'm-doing, that she couldn't help whistling again. "You know, you look pretty skilled at braiding," she scoffed.

Héctor chuckled, though his smile seemed a little bittersweet. "I used to make a lot of braids, a long, long time ago. Got any other—?" Rosa held up a second rubber band before he asked for it. "Girls, always ready."

"I must, with this hair."

"This hair's gonna save your day, chamaca." He arranged the braids to cover her ears and put back her diadem as if crowning her. "Okay, ya está. That diadema will keep them in place. Collar up! Perfect, I think we're done. Just…" He looked thoughtfully at her legs. "We should get a skirt. Long to the ankles."

"Oye, how old are you?" Rosa complained, and put her hands on her hips again in annoyance. "Now you talk like my abuela!"

"If Ernesto is actually you're great-great-grandpa, I assure you I'm old enough to be your great-great-grandpa too." Héctor pouted and crossed his arms. "But the point is we can't paint your fleshy legs. Can you unfold that hem?"

Grumbling under her breath, Rosa tried to pull the cuffed hem of her capri jeans as down as she could. It was disturbing to see the curse creeping up her legs, her feet fully skeletal by then like ominous ankle socks.

"Okay, now listen to me, Rosa: this world is not much different from your own, so here are the golden rules." Héctor lifted three fingers. "Stay close, don't get lost and never follow any weird guy to any weird place."

She shot him a dry glare. "You serious?" she blurted out. "I'm in a really weird place with a really weird guy right now!"

"This doesn't count!" He waved a hand dismissively. "We have a deal! And I would never harm a fly, far less a little girl or any other human being."

"Right the kind of thing a weird guy would say." Rosa rolled her eyes. "Look, I can take care of myself, don't worry about that."

"Oh? And how you—?"

He couldn't finish. As fast as light, she took off one of her flats and swatted him hard in the cheekbone. So hard that his skull spun around. Héctor shirked and grabbed his head to stop it, looking at her with wide, dumbfounded eyes.

"You'll never see me coming." Rosa gave him a smug smile and a sassy shrug, before putting her flat on.

"That…" He was speechless. "That felt familiar…"

"Did it?" She raised an eyebrow. "How many women have hit you with their shoes?"

"Just one, but she hit hard enough to be unforgettable." For a tiny moment, he seemed about to smile fondly, but covered it with a cough. "Okay, okay, I trust you, so back to business! There's something important you must understand, Rosa. This place runs on memories. If you're well remembered, people put up your photo and you get to cross the bridge and visit the living on Día de Muertos." He put a hand on his chest with a tense smile. "As you've probably notice by now, that's not my case."

"You've never crossed over?" She frowned, getting serious.

"No one's ever put up my picture. But you can change that!" He took an old photo out from his inner pocket and handed it to her. It was black and white, with a young living Héctor who looked a very little older than her own big brother. His eyes were big and bright, and his smile seemed to cross his whole sharp-angled face. She scanned it intently, feeling that something was off but not getting what. Dios, how old actually was that guy? How old was he when he died?

"So… this is you."

"Muy guapo, eh?" he joked, waving his brows.

Rosa snorted. "So you want me to put up your photo on my family's ofrenda when I get home… in exchange of getting me to my great-great-grandpa."

"Well, yeah, about that…" Oh, no, that suspicious hesitation again. "Actually, de la Cruz is a tough guy to get to, and I need to cross that bridge soon. Like tonight. So, you got any other family here? You know, someone a bit more… ehh, accessible?"

Rosa stared at him, poker-faced. She couldn't think about her family without fretting again, but she couldn't afford another panic attack either. Héctor was really desperate; if he found out she'd just run away from her relatives, they would never make their way to de la Cruz. He could even try to take her back to the Station right away. So she hardened her look and narrowed her eyes, in what she hoped to look like an 'are-you-frigging-kidding-me' expression.

"What part of  'I need de la Cruz's blessing' you didn't get?" she hissed, trying her best to look offended. "Did you really think I'd be here if I had another option? It's de la Cruz's or nothing!" Rolling her eyes with a lot of drama, she huffed and pushed the photo against Héctor's chest. "I should've guessed you only wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible. Well then, don Despair! I won't bother you anymore, good luck with your bridge. Let's go, Dante!"

She stood up and strode away.

"Wha— Waitwaitwait!" Rosa was already half way to the alley's entry. "Argh! Okay, okay, niña, fine! Fine! I'll get you to your great-great-grandpa!"

Rosa stopped and waited while Héctor trotted towards her, limping. When he reached her, she flashed him a bright smile.

"Lead the way, guapo," she teased.

Héctor pouted again. "You're pretty terrible, you know that?"

And this time, she felt extremely proud.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #477

“hell doesn’t want them  /  hell doesn’t need them  /  hell doesn’t love them”

Which breed of dog do you find most scary? I'm not scared of them personally, but the sheer potential of the Tibetan mastiff is terrifying. I mean the thing hunts bears. What’s the secret to your success? What success? Do you keep any photos in your wallet? Yes, of some of my nieces and nephews. I need to organize my wallet and get all of them... Would you ever wear a white tuxedo? Eek, I think white wouldn't look good on me. I'd wear a black one, though. Do you prefer brown or white bread? Brown/wheat. Have you ever spent an entire day in bed? Ohhhh yes. I did that for years, literally until yesterday. I used to do everything in my bed. Now I've finally moved into the spare room when I'm on my laptop. Don’t you just find it annoying when people get too much plastic surgery? No? Do what you want with your body, boo. Whose birthday is next, out of all the people you know? My boyfriend's. Do you have embarrassing parents? Dad can be embarrassing. What’s something that really matters to you? My mental health. Tell me something interesting about one of your close relatives: Uhhh. I'm blanking. I'm not really close to my extended family. Do you like the smell of freshly-mown grass? NO NO NO I HATE IT. If given the opportunity, would you employ a monkey-servant? Absofuckinglutely not. That's horrible animal abuse. Do you get a lot of earwax (don’t be shy)? Yes. It's partially why I got wax adhered to my eardrums: I was pushing too much back with using q-tips too much. Do you find green eyes attractive? Very. Who depends on you the most? My pets. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? My mother comes to mind absolutely instantly, given she only has one kidney. Can you really be racist to a white person? It's possible to be racist towards any race... I've never understood this question. What was the first website you made an account on? I want to say Neopets. Do you listen to any podcasts? No. I'd love to listen to Mark, Bob, and Wade's, I'm just so bad with keeping up with podcasts. I've tried. Do you prefer long or short surveys? Long ones, if you couldn't tell. I combine surveys for a reason: I'd be spamming the FUCK out this place otherwise. Do you enjoy making YouTube videos or just watching? Watching. I miss making them honestly, but I just don't have the motivation to dedicate to even a short project. When I edited videos, I was VERY slow at it, and I just don't wanna invest the time anymore. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I would be MORTIIFED. I don't know how some people can do it so confidently. Would you want to be in a collab channel on YouTube? I could see myself having a gaming channel where I was either with a friend or s/o. It'd be fun, like chilling on the couch and just chatting while playing. Not trying to be funny or anything, just... chillin'. Some people (myself included) enjoy that content. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? I haven't, but it'd be cool. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. Do you prefer hoodies or sweaters more during the autumn? Hoodies. What's the best Halloween costume you had as a kid? I don't remember. Does family come to your home for the holidays, or do you go to theirs? We go to my older sister's place. Have you been diagnosed with CoVid-19 since the pandemic began? Not yet, but I'm getting tested Friday. How often do your pets have to visit the vet? Venus, essentially never unless she has a serious issue. Reptile doctors aren't very available here. Roman has only been to the vet once to get neutered. And I think his shots? How many times have you been in the hospital in your lifetime thus far? A good number of times. Cheese-Itz. Cheese Balls, Goldfish, or Cheetos? Ohhh, I think I have to go with Goldfish, but I like them all, save or Cheese Balls. Have you ever made your own trail mix before? What did you put in it? No. What is your favorite thing to eat alongside peanut butter? Chocolate. Do your pets sleep on the furniture or in their own pet beds? Venus is obviously in her terrarium, usually sleeping behind her water bowl. Roman always sleeps in my bed snuggling me. :') If you have dogs, how often do you take them for walks? We don't have a dog. Does anything on your body cause you chronic pain? Any chronic illnesses? Yes, my legs. I have chronic mental illnesses for sure. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? Just rolls, ha ha. I'm not a fan of Thanksgiving food in general. Would you prefer cake or pie as a birthday treat? Cake; I don't like pie. What is something annoying about the person you like/love? Nothing he does really annoys me. What is something that makes you feel old? My knees and energy level in general, ha ha. And how early I can go to sleep nowadays. When's the last time you experienced a panic attack? Over what? Hm... I don't like to abuse the term panic attack, so I'm not entirely sure. I'm definitely familiar with them, but shit's gotta be pretty extreme for me to consider it a genuine panic attack and not an anxiety attack. Which professions do you feel deserve the highest amount of pay? Probably surgeons. Do you donate to a specific charity or cause on an annual basis? No, but I desperately wish I could. :/ What's the highest amount of money you received in a card? I want to say $300? My paternal grandpa was way, WAY too generous. Like seriously, I think the dude met my sisters and me ONCE. I really do wish I'd taken up Dad's offers to go to Michigan with him before he passed away. I only turned it down because he didn't have WiFi, which is a horrible, selfish excuse. I wanted to know him better. Did you get any scholarships or grants towards your education? I think? Have you ever wondered what your pets are saying to you? Roman? ALL the time, especially because when I talk to him, he usually answers in his own kind of meow. It's adorable. Have you ever had to turn someone in before? For what? No. Describe a time where one of your parents embarrassed you. Oh my goddddd. When Dad was helping me take care of my laptop when it was broken, he was consistently SO rude to the employees, convinced they were trying to scam him into paying more money. Which they certainly weren't. I wanted to DIE when we were in that store. Do you prefer grapes, raisins, or prunes? Grapes. The other two are gross. Have you ever had a party when your parents weren't home? No. What is something that irks you about your sibling(s)? Nothing. They're wonderful women. If you get married, will you take your spouse's last name? Yes, please get rid of my last name. Do you still eat Lunchables as an adult? Hell yeah, man. What's your favorite comfort food? Ice cream. If you had to work in a store, which would you choose, and why? An actually good pet store. Not a chain one that gets their pets from breeding farms and doesn't know jack shit about the animals. You won't ever see me adopt a pet, especially a reptile, from places like PetSmart and Petco. They are so goddamn ignorant. Hell, I'd probably be willing to work with people if I was an employee in a proper pet store, because I'd be so excited about the animals and helping them get adopted into homes that will suit and treat them well. If you were a teacher, which subject would you teach? English or science. Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Hell no, I HATE summer. Do you have a desk in your room? Not my bedroom, no, but in the spare room/my "office," I do. I've finally moved into there to get out of my bed except for sleeping. I'll tell you, my back sure hurts, though. What did your favorite backpack in high school look like? Yo, I had the COOLEST Ouija board backpack. The zipper was even a planchette. Do you wear band tees? Of course. Frosting: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolateeeee. Ice cream: chocolate or vanilla? Depends on my mood. Do you drink protein shakes? No, I can't stand the taste. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Nothing unrealistically expensive. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Man, I can't pick! My sisters and I had a whole lot. Do you have a PayPal account? No. Would you be interested in building a water feature for a garden? If *I* wasn't the one building it, sure, ha ha. A koi pond would be amazing. Do you consider the letter "Y" a consonant or a vowel? I see it as a consonant, but I know it can be a vowel. Pick a side, Y. Would you rather wear a tie or a bowtie? Hm, idk. Which birds are most common around your neighbourhood? Sparrows or robins? Idk. Are you the kind of person to look at accident sites, when passing them by? Admittedly, yes. Morbid curiosity is real. Have you ever seen a polydactyl cat? Only online. Are there any languages you could try to work out what some words mean? A good deal of German, probably. What is your dearest stuffed animal that you own? Why is that? My stuffed moose Brownie, which I got from Cabela's in Ohio. I cuddled him every night as a kid for MANY years. He's on my shelf now. <3 Have you ever had to try to pronounce words that have letters with umlauts? That's common in German, so. Are you more an Eeyore, a Piglet, or a Tigger? I'm Eeyore and Piglet's child. Name something awesome from another culture that is not part of yours: I'm not educated enough on other cultures to answer this, sadly. What are you grateful for NOT having? Various health conditions. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Man-o-wars. I mean c'mon, they have no brain. Do you currently own any teddy bears? Yeah, stored away. Have you ever caught fireflies? All the time as a little kid! My sisters and I loved that. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? Not legally (to my knowledge), but I have a number of trans friends who have. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? No. At least, I don't think so. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? Holy fuck no. What was the last necklace you wore? It was my bottlecap one with the Halo of the Sun from Silent Hill 3 as the center. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Can it only be physical items? If that's the case, gimme a bit of candy, some money for a tattoo, a Mountain Dew, a new meerkat plushie to cuddle, a weighted blanket... Stuff like that.

[sw4tch]

((Another vent post i found in my drafts. This one is pretty bad, very Suicidal. Glad I don’t feel like this right now, but reading my past emotions makes me sad.

To cheer me up, I’ll add Annotations to disperse these bad thoughts for future me))

it’s not fair it’s not fair

she fucked me up while i was a child, took my father’s side and took her anger out on me when i was so young, and me, right now, when i take my anger out on her then i’m the bad one, i’m the worst one, i’m the one that ruined her life

I know i ruined her life, that’s all i’m good for and i ruin everything

but when i do it, i don’t deserve my apologies to be taken

even though she has NEVER apologized for anything in her life, never to me, not when she hits me, not when she hits me on accident, not when she makes me cry

BUT I’M THE WORST ONE, i am the worst thing that could have happened to her

I am the Monster

without a will to live and with a dream to be left alone to die

I hate it

I HATE GOING TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE AND WANTING TO DIE BECAUSE THEIR FAMILIES ARE SO NICE TO THEM, AND NICE TO ME

SOMEONE WHO’S INTRUDING AND BOTHERING THEM, ME

“You’re always welcome here” always feel like a stab through the heart

Because it makes me feel wanted and i hate that, admit that i’m a bother and you hate me and that you think i’M UGLY AND DISGUSTING AND THAT I’M THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME

I’M FULL OF DISGUSTING FEELINGS AND HATRED AND I’M UGLY AND TOO FAT AND TOO BIG AND TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE AND I SMELL HORRIBLE AND MY FACE IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE EXISTING BECAUSE MY MERE EXISTENCE BOTHERS OTHERS

(( Oh Snaily of the past, you wrote this after going to a friend’s house and it made you feel happy. Why can’t you accept that? People do like you, they love you. Your friend wanted you to live with them at some point remember? People genuinely like you. Being a burden sometimes it’s okay. ))

I apologized to her because i knew yesterday was my slip up. Can’t let her know i hate having her in my life, that she reminds me of everything that’s wrong in my life, that she’s one of the reasons i’m so suicidal

Gotta pretend, as always, that i’m the good “Daughter”, the Good Child, the Golden Child

so i did. But she immediately cried and said something about how she’s sacrificed so much for me and that if she took control of my bank account it was for my own good and hers, and that i am an adult already, i should already know how to take care of myself (i know, i know) and that i can’t go out into the world by being such a toxic person that disrespects the hand that feeds her (i know, i know) that kind of thing doesn’t fly when you have a job (god, i know)

She didn’t accept my apology, said i went too far. That some things can never be forgiven (how funny, shoot me, shoot me, shoot me) and that i really fucked up, because she’s the only one that has looked out for me, she’s the only person in the world that doesn’t deserve my anger (i cried in this part, cried out of anger and frustration, how dare she not know)

“You can’t take your anger out on people, i thought i had thought you better and that you were a smart child. Weren’t you talking about being kind yesterday? You can’t be a hypocrite”

i cried. she’s right. ([Be a good person, that’s all.] i tried, i try, but i’m a horrible person that’s full of hatred and that will eventually hurt their friends. i’m sorry, my life isn’t my own. I can’t be who i want to be)

I’m a hypocrite. I want to hurt and maim others, i want to feel justified when i do, i want to feel good when i hurt others, i want to be validated in my sorrow

(( Your anger is the part of you that loves you and wants people to treat you right. You’re not monstrous for that. Also she literally lied to you here because later on she didn’t do any of her Threats, your anger was justified. Snaily, remember you’re the Abused here.

I know you feel violent sometimes, but you don’t really want to hurt people. You just want to protect yourself ))

That’s the abuse cycle, isn’t it?

My parents hurt me in different ways when i was a child, they cursed me, so now i’m cursed to turn into a monster at the sight of moonlight and rip my friends limb from limb with my fangs

I’m cursed, i’m cursed, and i’ll hurt anyone that i see vulnerable enough to take my bite

and i don’t want that

I’ve talked about it, haven’t i? How i don’t want to be a monster

Ali said i wasn’t. But Ali won’t even talk to me anymore because she probably realized i’m a weird creep that idolizes too much and gets obsessed with people that treat them right in the slightest. She won’t talk to me because she realized that maybe i am a monster.

(( Ali stopped talking to you because life happened! It’s not that deep. Sometimes friends drift apart. Hopefully she still thinks fondly of you. As much as you think fondly of her. People drift and leave, it’s part of life. It’s okay. ))

So i keep thinking, that i can’t let myself hurt anyone else. My mother brought it up today (”You’ll just end up hurting others, don’t you see?”) But i do see, mother.

So i have to be the one that kills the monster. A dead beast can’t kill or maim, can’t pass on the curse of abuse if they’re dead.

It always gets this bad, i always want to die, and when i try to be a good person it becomes evident i’ll never be

I’m too full of hatred for that

I think i’ll be safe once i get out of here, of the hellhole, but that’s a silly illusion isn´t it?

You can take the child out of the hell hole, but you can never take out the hellhole out of the child

not with therapy, not with a good environment, not with a good life, not that i deserve one anyway

A beast will always be a beast

An abused child will become an abuser

And a bad person can never try to be anything else but that

(( You’re not a bad person for feeling miserable, for feeling angry, for being hurt and having these big Big emotions! That might be your possible BPD talking. Therapy would really help you, never ever doubt that your life would be better once you leave this bad environment and get proper treatment ))

----------------------------

I keep thinking about how pear seeds can be toxic if you eat enough of them. Have a grinder at home, can make my own suicide dust, put in my own food and we’re done, happy end, happily ever after.

Don’t have pears. I hate pears.

I keep thinking about how in a robbery, people are desperate enough nowadays to shoot me dead if i refuse to cooperate

I’ll refuse to cooperate, i will and then i’ll be dead. Happily ever after, and the bus will get up and cheer

I’m a coward. How would that work

I keep thinking about how to make someone kill me. Roadkill. But how? 

Should put my life up on the dark web, someone must want to pay for the Thrill of Killing a Living Person, i’d give them that, i’d be good for something for once

These all all just sweet fairytales, aren’t they? The fantasy that it won’t hurt or that it won’t be my fault when i’m dead and people get inconvenienced by it.

I wanna be roadkill, explode into million of pieces, picked up in bags by some poor bastard that just wants to go home instead of touching dead flesh. 

Then i will sleep. And rest. And my back won’t hurt. And my longing and heartache won’t be there anymore.

I lost my will to live a few days ago. Because i missed a presentation out of pure anxiety. Of feeling like a failure.

I’ll tell you a secret, the feeling of failure has been with me ever since. It haunts me, because i know, this time, it’s real. I was supposed to be better, be a good hardworker, not a lazy piece of shit.

Being lazy doesn’t feel good for me, it makes me realize i truly am mediocre.

(( Being mediocre isn’t a crime you know. You don’t have to be exceptional. You just have to be you. And be gentle with you. I’m sorry you felt suicidal. I love you ))

---------------------------------------------------------------

My mother said that 6 months after i graduate, that’ll be all. After that she’ll be gone and not support me economically anymore.

That i brought this onto me.

That’s what i get, for slipping up.

(( This is again manipulation. She never goes through with it!!! She’s just manipulating you, trying to keep you under her thumb!! It’s okay Snaily. You’ll be okay. You don’t deserve her gaslighting and manipulation. But you need to know you’re being wronged, even if you’re not in the right sometimes ))

I deserve that.

Six months. I’ll never get a job and i’ll continue to be a failure and i would have wasted everyone’s time.

That’s all i’m good for.

Six months. That’s nothing. There’s not enough jobs. And i’m not talented enough to get a job so fast. I’m no one, and i’ll always be. 

Talentless hack with a diploma, that would be me.

six months. That’s good. That’s good. I deserve it. It’ll force me to grow. Or sink.

Oh, i’ll sink. 

I’ll sink. While i watch my friends fly away onto jobs i wish i had, because they had what i didn’t:

Talent, A Will to Live, A Future

while i sink.

That can’t be too bad. When i say this, i honestly feel good for them in that scenario. I’m not bitter, not against them anyway. Because I love them, and love should never be about jealousy, should never be tainted with that.

Because that’s not love. True love is wanting your friends to grow and become the best version of themselves. I really want that for them.

I’m just sad i can’t do the same, because of me and me only.

Wonder how expensive a gun is. Maybe i will get a job. Save enough for one and some ammo. Then boom.

Talentless hack no more.

Maybe i can get two guns, fire them both at the same time, one for the mouth, one for the top of my head. 

Flawless execution.

And then i’ll get to see my grandpa, finally, again.

(( He’d be sad to see you in such circumstances. He loved you. As much as you loved him. He’d want for you to live a long fulfilling life. You can do it. Just wait a little longer. You’ll get out of here. I swear. I’ll hold your hand the whole way through. I love you. I love you. I love you ))

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[starsburnouttoo]

boring tag

because of @kitkatdana​

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? I close them, i’m OCD about all the doors in my room.

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? I probably have, honestly don’t remember.

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? I have a sheet too big for my bed so its wrapped around kinda weirdly and never comes undone. (life hack?)

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? No because what would I do with it? I mean, I’d hang up a stop sign on my bedroom door maybe but that might be too cliche?

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? I like to make small notes and I like to write things out in my notebook but post-it notes specifically? nah, not really.

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? I take the whole page and just rip out the coupon I end up using.

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? Big bear because it’s only one and I feel like they’d be easier to out run than a whole swarm of bees. Also at least with a bear it’s a quicker death, with a swarm of bees I’m not even sure i’d day. 

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? Nope, I have a lot of moles/beauty marks though.

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? I do because I don’t want to look back at a photo and regret the facial expression I made -- it happens a lot surprisingly.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? I... don’t know? I don’t like when I get blamed for stuff that isn’t my fault? 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? I don’t actually count but I think about how, like, “this room is only about 20 steps from mine.” and that sort of stuff.

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? No... I don’t go into the woods?

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? I literally do not go in the woods and the few times I have gone camping their were restrooms for this stuff.

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? All the timeeeee I can’t seem to be still, I’ll move from side to side a lot or bob my head or do that shoulder beat thing, ya feel? 

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? So, I chew on those pen caps from those pens that are clear and only have a blue cap? they’re like hard plastic? I feel like they’re in the top 3 most used pens... but I like to chew on those caps specifically, other than that no.

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? Okay so literally slept with only one but like sex? hehe ;) I’m a virgin.

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? twin but that was because I have a bunk bed. i’m buying a queen soon :D

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? Song of the week... uhm... okay so “Trapdoor” by Twenty One Pilots is really good but also “I Hate U I Love U” by Gnash because mood.

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? Yes, honey do what makes you happy. You like the color? wear it. You want to make a point that men can wear pink? do it. You want to support breast cancer? love it. you just couldn’t find another shirt to go with your new jeans? you look so good! I love it, wear the hell out of pink.

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? Actively? No... I watch a lot of anime from time to time, though... which, ya know, animated cartoons are still animated cartoons. Toe-may-toe toe-mah-toe.

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? Least favorite? err I hate every scary movie to have ever existed but I also can’t find it in me to like anything from harry potter, star trek, star wars, lord of the rings.... those series.

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? my grandpa owns two mountains... I won’t say where... you never know if I’ll get treasure worth hiding, my guy.

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? tea, literally any kind of tea.

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? Ketchup, ranch, chick-fil-a sauce... yes.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Alright so I’m weird and I really love potato salad, like, no joke, but there was potato salad in my dream last night? I like cereal a lot, its so good, but I would die for oatmeal creme pies... devilled eggs...

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? Okay any disney movie ever, but to specify I love Beauty and the beast, Mulan, Aladdin, Tangled, Frozen (I only saw it twice so it wasn’t killed for me, I genuinely like the characters), Anastasia.... yeah I like them all.

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? Ugh okay so my last kiss was in 8th grade and yall know how those middle school relationships are all mistakes right? So yeah, it was this guy who was the pastors son at my church... his name is josh... he’s in college now... yeah. ew.

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? I went to the first meeting because my brother was going to the boy scouts meeting (he wanted to learn to use a pocket knife and tie cool knots) but the girls just sold cookies and i thought that was lame so... no.

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? I would strip but completely naked? Nah... do I get like a sheet to cover with or something? 

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? Last week... I write thank you cards a lot (not that I give them out a lot because I feel like people would think I’m weird for thanking them for... like... i dunno... loving a similar band to me and having a nice conversation or something.)

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? No but all my brothers can so I don’t need to know... hopefully...

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? nope... because I’m learning to drive still.

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? uh... no. I haven’t learned how to drive in the time span between this question and the last one.

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? I really like subway because of their samiches. i couldn’t say any specifics because I like.... like, all sandwiches.

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? okay so breakfast tacos from Dans... oooooor cereal.... ooooooor breakfast tacos in general. oooooor Waffles from Jim’s because they put whipped cream, chocolate chips, chocolate drizzle, etc.

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? my bedtime is 9 but anytime after 6 pm works too... if its later than 10 I’m suicidal.

37. ARE YOU LAZY? If I’m determined to get something done I will do it, just leave me alone and I’ll do it. but if I really just don’t want to do something or don’t care... yes. i’m so so so so lazy.

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? Okay so one year, and keep in mind this is the most embarrassing costume i remember, I dressed up as a party rocker based on the song party rock anthem... because I was extremely crazy about that song when I was like.... 11.

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? I’m a dragon my guy. but like...  hopefully a water dragon or ice dragon or earth dragon.. i don’t wanna be hot headed.

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? English.... and I passed Spanish....

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? I mean... I have none but my household has a ton and I like to take the Mens Health ones because none of my brothers want them and the cover guys are sooooo hot.

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? Legos by a long shot.

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? Nah.. I mean if its a morals thing fuck yeah but if its like... “should we go to chick-fil-a” I’d be like “I kinda want chinese” and the someone would say “but I want chicken” so I’d be like “okay”

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? Uh... you see.... I like the name Leno better than letterman but i dunno these people?

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? No dude... like... if I did it would be more ironically... 

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? funny story but one time I thought I would die if I jumped off of the air vent that was outside my house... it’s like 3 feet tall... so yeah... anything above 3 feet scares me I guess. xD

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? does satan’s name resemble santa’s? 

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? almost alwayyyyyys... if I don;t i’m thinking hard or just in general talking to myself.

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? Yes. Especially to the good songs. so... a lot.

50. EVER USED A GUN? Yes and i like pistols but the.... whats it called.... the force after you shoot a big gun that makes you jump back... yeah I don’t like that.

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? Okay so... no?

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? I think that certain musicals are borderline obsessive with songs that just don’t go well for a serious mood... like, they’re too cheesy and annoying to be a good romantic song... but a lot of musicals are really well put together too.

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? Ugh, yes. I have 3 separate families to visit okay? Literally there is over 50 people to shop for and that’s not including friends and I’m unemployed so yes. yes it is. 

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? no.. I dunno what that is.

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? pie is so gross but I like the topping of pecan pie.

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? uhhhh I gotta list. here we go: chef, baker, singer, actress, model, pilot, therapist, vet, successful, talk show host, americas got talent judge (like... i reallllllllllly wanted to be a judge--- still do a looooooot but I have no fame so...)

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? nah but I make jokes about them being around a lot.

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? ALL THE TIME except its not exactly like a full on minute of deja vu its like a hand motion or a sign I saw on the wall or someone saying something that I swear I’ve heard before.

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no but I did as a kid, especially when my mom bought the sour gummy ones.

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? no but I wear sandals and socks around the house a lot.

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? no but I own, like, 2.

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? a t-shirts with literally anything ranging from jeans to leggings to yoga pants... etc.

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? One Direction on September 21st, 2014 in Houston.... the arena was huge... a million girls and I got sick during the last song... whoops.

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? target....? 

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? I wear so much nike stuff because its so comfortable but adidas shirts and jackets look hella comfortable.

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? cheetos my main dude. I had an on going joke with my little brother once when we were at a concession stand and I couldn’t see what was there and he was tall so he read to me, “cheetos... fritos... doritos... and sunchips” and we died laughing because of all the rhyming. 

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? I like the taste of sunflower seeds better but they’re so time consuming to open with so little food as a result that peanuts are just easier.

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nah my guy. How about Three Days Grace? xD

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? No but my spanish teacher had us learn a hispanic culture dance for one of our final projects. I had the cumbia.

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? I don’t care as long as they’re enjoying what they do. 

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? like... taco? cause yeah?

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? Okay so uhhh no but I went to this education festival thing and they had a spelling bee booth and I spelled the word they gave me wrong but I still won a reallllly nice notebook (as a writer I really do mean that) and it was the first notebook I ever filled up. (it lasted from march 8th, 2016 to November 11th, 2016.)

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? Uh.... maybe? I dunno?

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? No but they sound cool.

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? I have literally no idea whats in my garage. I doubt it.

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? Yes... I have like 20 in my room and I burn one every few days... or a candle...

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yeah.... yea...... uhhhh.... yeah. 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? Twenty One Pilots, again, tbh, gnash, NF, and i’m sure there will be more in the future.

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? Troye Sivan on October 24th, 2016. 

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? uhhhhh all tea, don’t discriminate. 

81. TEA OR COFFEE? both... but like tea.... is more appealing. 

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? sugar cookies all the way.

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i know how to swim.

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? yeah

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? sometimes. if its something I wanna do then nah... but if its like... waiting for a friend to do something yeah.

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? DJ... (I forgot to add this to the job list but I wanted to be a DJ once... and a break dancer once.)

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? I got 2nd place in an 80′s themed costume dance contest...??? I dunno.

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? yeah but it was to smooth out a few scars.

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? olives can burn in hell.

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? ahhhhhh I wish no.

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? any room that gets cold??? 

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? only if my partner does but me??? yes.... yeah I’d loooooove to be able to call someone my partner for life and just have that assurance that they actually want to be with me...

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? never... yet...

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? she actually might see this somehow so i won’t say the current one but I liked this girl name Olivia all through middle school until 9th grade... so you know? 

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? Playfully? dramatically? but never seriously.

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? so I have 2, one is named Pikachu and one is named Bruce Banner... or Willis... or Wayne.. whatever you want for Bruce.... they’re small.... and precious... and chihuahuas.

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? I don’t want to give birth, I want a ton of kids though so... well see?

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? I like maroon... and purple... and blue... and black.... silver... white.... yeah.

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? nah.... not really.

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS VIDEO NEXT? its not even a video but uhhh @sweatersnshades @depressedtopramen @guacnroll @ashlapash579 @sleeping--light @beverlynotcleary @pups-art @stark-nakedness because all of yall are my fave accounts and some of the coolest people I’ve got to see.... yeah :D

[writings-kalelculver]

Lunar Days

Just like the moon, we go through phases. Instead of our phases lasting twenty-seven days, ours begins the day we take our first breath until our last breath is release from our lungs and back into the atmosphere. We are all unique; we all go through different phases, and that means not everyone will understand what we are going through. We may skip through phase, and revert to some over and over again. Life is meant to be the ultimate learning experience for our next journey.

When we are born we automatically know what our intention is for that moment; it is to grow.

New Moon Phase: During this time, we are becoming aware of our body and aware of our soul or lack of. During my new moon phase something must have gone corrupt.  My family has told me that from a young at that my all time fears were fire and gaining weight. The fear of fire arose when I was five and lived on the Clinton River in Michigan. There was a large marina across the way that caught fire. I remember being forced to watch it with my family. I remember the awful, acrid aroma that was similar to fatty pork being burned on a charcoal grill. I also remember seeing ember explosions light up the night; yachts became nothing more than fiberglass torches that competed with the stars for attention. The once calm river was riddled with chaos that wouldn’t seem to die.

After having that stench linger in the air for a few days I never really ate meat again. Then about a year or so later and restaurant, a block away from my house that was in the shape of a lighthouse caught fire as well. The same stench hovered in the air for days. It was not until years later that I learned; it was the smell of bodies burning. Every time the aroma of meat was in the air, all I could think about was those who had perished that night. Every time I saw someone eat meat all I could think about was those who were torched alive; followed by that acrid aroma once again, and then it hit me there is no humane way to die if a sentient being does not want to.

We relax into our intentions. Our intentions become as simple as breathing.

Crescent Moon Phase: At this point I was no longer eating meat, or much of anything. My mother had abandoned me for another new boyfriend and my dad was locked up in a Wayne County psychiatric hospital for severe schizophrenia. My life was falling apart at such a young age. I felt like no one wanted me; if your own parents abandon you, it makes you feel like you are absolutely worthless. Luckily I still had people who wanted me. My grandparents were the only ones I had left at the age of eight. They treated me extremely well, even paying for me to attend a prestigious private school. Sure I made friends there but they lived so far away. I learned to be alone, and my only friends were my grandpa, my golden retriever Genevieve, and the books I would read.

I take discerning action to support my intention.

First Quarter Moon Phase: which I fade into and out of quickly means to me that we as human beings are emphatic creatures. And I say fade because we as humans exist beyond a scope of 27 days; our emotions are our driving force. Yes we can cause so much harm, so much destruction, but many of us have heavy hearts—at least I know I do anyway. For those who need me I could never abandon them, because I know too well what this feels like and no one should have to feel alone in the depths of depression like I once did. I remember when I was in sixth grade and my friend Ani overheard Reina talking to herself. I told her if she needed to talk next period she could find me in the counselor’s office where I was assigned to be a student peer advisor for the lower and middle school. Sure enough I saw Reina peeked in, this time her face was completely expressionless. She confessed to me she saw her uncle commit suicide by closing the garage door on his head. She showed me a knife, a butterfly knife to be exact. At that point I got up calmly, walked into the office and told the counselor that a student has a knife. After that instance I never saw Reina again, all I know what happened to her that she went into a psychiatric hospital to get the help she so desperately needed. Sometime I wonder what would have happened if I just let that slide. She might as well have went through her plan and then that blood would have been on my hands as well.

We all go through trials before we understand who we will become during our adolescence; our intention and our so-called purpose in life becomes clearer.

Gibbous Moon: The most awkward time of my life. High school is never the exception to this; it is almost as it has become the rule to make lives miserable. The first time I met Collin was Freshman year of high school, and I swear the first words that 5’3” redneck ever said to me was, “shut the fuck up bitch.” Needless to say I tried to avoid him, like I tried to avoid others like the plague. In this area the only things you could do for fun were to drink, do drugs, or have sex, and I was not interested in any of the three so I became an outsider. The more I tried to avoid Collin the more I ran into him; it seemed as if those who tormented me were always around. He was always embarrassed to ask for help in English. He was a known drug dealer for the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. His racist grandfather is still today Citrus County’s Red Dragon, which means he controls the area. His drug of choice to sell was everything from heroine to marijuana. However, the only drug he touched himself was meth. It is funny that the Klan never found out about his addiction when everyone else did; if they ever found out he would not be alive today. He would come to me in private for some help, and if anyone asked what he was doing he would say I was buying drugs for him.

At this point my life was a complete mess. I was on almost every psychiatric drug under the rainbow, and when you feel, as everyone doesn’t see you as a person anymore you just want to go away. Then I had my first break with a knife and overdosing on my own prescriptions, shortly after I faded out of everyone’s lives and no one seemed to notice. After I came back Collin no longer came to me for any help, I guess no one likes the stigma of suicide. I was all alone again, except those who paid me to write papers for them, I guess these people had no problem being seen with an anorexic suicide addicted girl. The funny thing is if he continued coming to me for help he’d probably have graduated on time and not two years after he was suppose to.

We now are aware of our intentions. We either move on with this intention or we realize that it should not be ours at this time. Either way we release this intention, and our course will continue in the correct manner.

Full Moon Phase: Just because I like to help others does not mean it always works out the way that I have originally intended. In 2013 I worked at a resort in Crystal River, Florida called Plantation Inn. Inside that resort I was a server at the West 82 Bar and Grill, there while working I met an ex-tweaker named Tara. She was quite short and had a very outgoing personality. She was trying really hard to stay sober after rehab to regain custody of her son. I remember her saying that “no matter how bad my addiction to heroine got I never let my son go hungry.” She was a caring person to the whole staff. She would always ask how we were doing and it felt genuine. Then she had nowhere to go, her roommate did not want to sign the lease and she did not have the credit to lease the house on her own. As a result she moved into her boyfriend, Matt’s house. When she first introduced me to him, she told me to call him mommy and that nickname stuck. A few times Tara would call me up and ask for a ride to work, she said she would give me gas money, she never did and I didn’t mind. All I wanted was for her to do what was best for her and her son. Soon she would take advantage of this.

I was end up being the one that gets walked all over in the end; I guess it happens when you care more about others than you do yourself. She one day asked me to take her to her group therapy sessions, which I didn’t mind. However, one day she asked me to take her to a friend’s place real quick, “I’ll be right back sweetie,” she was say in a high pitched voice. She then would return to my car. As I started driving I saw her fidgeting with her purse. “What are you doing?” Then she finally admitted to buying meth and heroine. “You brought drugs into my fucking car?” I remember yelling that so loud and not knowing what to do, so I just dropped her off at her place and I was still pretty much in shock. She would ay that they were not for her, that she was a mule. I did not believe that for one bit. After her one year of sobriety she decided to go back to that life.

During the next few weeks Tara just got worse. I would still go and pick her up to take her to work and she would be stoned. One day she got into an argument with our boss Kelly. She went outside, and when she came back in she was completely unable to function. She was muttering nonsense, scaring the customers on the floor. Kelly then turned to me and said, “What the hell is going on?” I was completely speechless. The dinning had become nothing but a mere circus and Tara was the non-coherent ringleader. “I have no idea,” I said stumbling over my words. Kelly’s presence always made me nervous; she was a dominating and could sweep you under the rug just like a gnat. “She was fine when I went to pick her up this afternoon,” again the words came out of my mouth in a un-composed manner. The god honest truth was that Tara was fine before the shift.

For the rest of the night Tara was extremely sick. She managed to break 36 glasses on the rack as she stumbled throughout the server’s station. The next day when she came to get her things from the office, we found out that she mixed methadone with ecstasy. The end result was the termination of her job and 90 days in rehab. I tried to be a friend to her, I told her she could talk to me about anything and she did. I told her almost everyday that I was proud of her for staying sober. I had no idea how long this façade was going on; hell she could have been lying about being sober the whole time. It goes to show you that some people cannot be helped no matter how much you try.

We feel grateful that our intentions are coming into the form we so desire; we receive these with gratitude.

Disseminating Moon Phase:  In October 2013 I learned to appreciate my life and understood how caring I truly was. At the time I was dating this guy named Matthew, who was nothing really special. At the time I was dating him, I was making extra money on the side in a risqué way…I was a cam girl. Even though I always wore masks to hide my face, my ankle tattoo could clearly been seen. I never hid this from Matthew, but I never really told him either, but one day he found out.

Then one day just became a living nightmare. He invited me over to his place in Inverness, Florida and it seemed like a normal day. We went to the park by the courthouse and walked around before returning home. As I entered his room, I felt a push then something hard hitting the back of my head. I got into the kneeling position and then I felt pressure on my legs then I felt his hand around my throat. I could not breathe. I could not move at all. I did not understand why this was happening. I started to fade in and out of conscious. Somehow I managed to get him off me, I do not remember how I did it or if his intention was not to kill me. Either way the authorities did not do a damn thing. This has become a common pattern in my life—all because he said he was hearing voices. The only good thing that came from this is that for the first time in a long time I wanted to live my life and not just die. I always thought that I would welcome death no matter what—I am glad to say that I was wrong and it took a traumatic event to change that.

Now that I am receiving my intention, I give back from a pace of abundance.

Third Quarter Moon Phase: Like I said before I do not give up on people, if they need me I’ll be there to help them, even if they have wronged me in the past. In January 2014 (six years since I last talked to him) Collin decided that he needed to talk to me. This continued until March of that same year. Work and school made my life so hectic that I completely ignored everyone for their own sake. Then in the middle of last July, I was back in town because my neighbors at my complex made living there a living hell; I was attacked the same pit bull three times. The third incident I protected myself—I stabbed the dog to save myself. The dog lived but I faced threats from the owners, they even keyed my car as a result. I lived alone and my family wasn’t too keen of me staying at my apartment when I didn’t have to work. I decided to travel 100 miles back to Citrus County when I wasn’t working for my own safety.

I was in the middle of Dunnellon, Florida having a not so pleasant conversation with my ex-fiancé Aaron. A majority of his family members were harassing me constantly and I wanted them to stop before I went to the local corrupt authorities. He gave little concern. By this point he lost everything he ever worked for, and could careless that this could financially destroy him and his family even more. After hearing enough of his emphatic remarks I headed for my bright blue sedan, sat in it, put my head on my steering wheel and started to contemplate everywhere I could have possibly gone wrong in my life. Then my phone started to buzz and it was Collin. It had been over a year since I heard from him and I must of forgotten that I did not want anything to do with him. He asked if I wanted to see him and talk and after the disastrous night I was having I was inclined to say yes.

That starry night I agreed to meet him. He gave me his address, and my GPS took me through mazes of dusty, country roads. I saw that several people in this area had hogs, and all that did was remind me of a story my grandfather told me growing up about these two travelers in Alpena, Michigan. These two travelers got lost and had some kind of scuffle with a local. A few weeks late the local authorities found some uneaten human remains in the hog’s slop. I never asked my grandfather for proof growing up if this story had any truth to it, but that story played through my mind over and over again. “No one will ever find my body,” I whispered to myself. I hit many potholes going down that dirt road, I thought that my undercarriage would be torn to pieces by the time I even saw his place. Finally I found his driveway, with grass that stood about two feet tall. As I got closer to his house I could not help but notice that he also had hogs in his front yard, there must have been a dozen. I could not help but wonder, is he going to kill me, should I just go back to my grandparent’s house? It was too late; I made eye contact with him so automatically I was even more committed to this arrangement. And all of the nights I forgot to carry a knife in my pocket.  

We happily sat on his wood-rot front porch for a while. The crickets were singing and the stars are bright, and the shadows of the trees danced in the distance. As he lit his cigarette he so nonchalantly said, “I just got out of jail.” If I was uncomfortable before, now I was about to get in my car and for sure drive back to my grandparent’s house. But I stayed. A part of me must have been curious because I so politely asked why he was ever in jail. “Driving on a suspended,” he muttered with the cigarette now in his mouth.  I stood up and walked to the opposite end of the porch. If there is one thing I cannot stand is the horrid, stale smell of cigarettes. “You need to sit down for this one,” as he patted the chair right next to him. I did as he asked; I am not usually one to not do as a man tells me. “So I was in a 32 car pile up when I was working my way back down from Tennessee. I was the last one in and couldn’t avoid that shit. So I ended up with a ticket and missed my court date on a count that the damn ticket didn’t get forwarded to this address.”

At this point I was more concerned about the safety of my own life. I could care less about anything he had to say. I just kept thinking to myself if I were to die here tonight no one would know, and I would be hog chow in the morning. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling of wondering why I was even there to begin with. Damn. He’s lucky that I had a bad night and needed a way out of it. He just continued to jabber on and not shut up; and men say that women are chatty? I call bull shit right there. Then he actually did it—he said something that caught my attention. He began to confess all the wrongs he did in his life. First he told me how he joined the Ku Klux Klan at 16, which I already knew but I just pretended that this was shocking news. He explained that he is not a racist and that the only color he cares about is green, the only reason that he even joined (besides that his grandfather is the Red Dragon). He told me that he made it through the ranks so quickly, without even knowing. He bragged about the people he fought (he might be 5’3” but I have seen him knock a guy out with one punch back in the high school years). I couldn’t help but blurt out, “you either must be really stupid, or you trust me so much.” He just stared at me for what felt like a century. “Of course I trust you, why wouldn’t I?” I just rolled my eyes in disbelief. “Why does everyone tell me about their skeletons in the closet? Because, hun you ain’t the first to do it and you sure as hell won’t be the last.” I thought saying that in a bitchy, sarcastic tone would be enough that he wouldn’t want to deal with me again. I felt victorious until he asked me if I would like to go inside.

Nothing I could do would work, without actual physical violence. I thought that I would later regret it but I oblige and I’m glad nothing did. After a while the awkwardness went away and it happen to be one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. He just wanted someone to talk to, someone who has an open mind and the willingness to understand all the nasty shit and abuse that he endured. He was not the monster he was forced to be.

I reflect with thanks. With this I rest. With this I restore and allow myself to persevere.

Balsamic Moon Phase: We are all just sitting here trying to figure out our universe and our purpose which will probably change time and time again). The phases I have gone through have shaped me into the person I am today and I wonder when the next time I’ll go through them again and who will be there with me to witness these glorious events. Because until our next big journey in life—whatever you may believe that to be, will be returned to the earth and I know I can’t wait to return to the stars and live among them as chemicals of my former vessel.

[ravioli-cats]

okay I just need to vent.

okay so I'm on an alternative spring break trip and it's really fun and good for the most part. I really love that I'm around people so much and that I get a lot of attention and that my time is filled like I'm always busy pretty much. But there are some things I'm feeling that I don't like so much. 1) there's one site we are volunteering at that (even tho they are an LGBT organization), I feel pretty uncomfortable at because they keep saying transphobic stuff and my interactions with the people that work at the organization just don't feel comfortable at all. 2) I love being able to be funny and goofy and myself but after the fact like when I lay in bed at night and think about it I feel so self conscious and like everyone on the trip actually hates me and thinks I'm annoying and complaining too much and it makes me want to just withdraw and not say anything but if I did that I would feel like shit so I just don't know what to do or how to act. I really like being around these people and they feel safe to be silly around but I always get doubts and that makes me question not only the people on this trip but also my friends back at school. Do they really like me or do they just tolerate me, ya know? I feel like I'm just so annoying and needy for attention and it makes me feel guilty and unloved and I even know that these thoughts aren't rational but I still feel it. It makes me either want to change my behavior and act like I did in high school when I was quiet and boring and miserable and wouldn't talk to people or try to be silly or friendly because I was sure everyone hated me anyway. It's so much better to just be able to be myself: crazy and silly and complains a lot and loves people and cares about people so fucking much. I just want to love everyone. I want to say I love you to everyone because I feel so good when I interact with people and guilty at the same time because I feel like I'm not good enough for them and that everyone is better than me so much so that I want to praise everyone. Everyone on my trip: I love you. All of my friends back at school: I love you. Etc. Like,,,,, I feel like it's weird but feeling connected to people is the only time I feel happy. Which leads me to 3) I don't want the trip to end. I feel like when this is over I'm going to be so lonely again. I shouldn't feel hopeless and depressed when I'm alone but I do, so so much. On this trip I have to many opportunities to be myself and connect with people in genuine ways because I am with people that I get along with pretty much 24/7 with very little alone time. And the thing is I KNOW that I can't be around people constantly. I feel the stress being here and not being able to be alone and I don't like it, but I think being around people constantly does more good than harm for me (depending on the people) because it makes me feel safe and cared about and feel like I have the ability to interact with people if I want to. When the trip is over I'm going to go home to school and be alone again most of the time. I'm going to feel that same feeling of feeling unloved and isolated and vulnerable, vulnerable in the sense that I'm not able to be myself with other people, not able to see my existence validated. When I'm alone I feel almost inhuman, like I don't really exist almost. When I am able to be myself around people and they react in a positive way I feel,,,, loved,,,,, valid,,,, empowered,,,, happy,,,, safe,,,,and real...human. I hate that I feel this way because it is too needy. I shouldn't need to be interacting with people to feel real, but I do. I think that for so long when I was in middle and high school I felt like I didn't even really exist. I spent every day going through the motions and trying to be unseen because I felt so worthless and insignificant. I felt nothing for so long and even tho I was alive I wasn't really existing. I would go through the day and not feel anything except empty, like I didn't belong anywhere or was allowed to really enjoy my life. When I went on trips for debate where I got to be myself and socialize with people I trusted is one of the only times when I would feel good. I feel like not much has changed. I only feel good when I'm hanging out with any of the people from my group of friends from school (especially a select few), or when I go to my trans support group and can be myself and socialize, or now on this trip with the people I'm with. I love feeling good and feeling happy when I am with people but it almost like I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I have SO MUCH self loathing and because I know it is going to end and I'm going to be lonely and feel like shit constantly when I go back to school. I just hate that I'm like this and that my dad and family and early life experiences fucked me up so much like this because I just want to be happy so badly and I know what it feels like but I feel like I'm just never going to get there. It just makes me kinda want to die. Like legitimately. I know most people would just say "oh just look forward to the next time you will get to feel good" but it doesn't work like that. The times when I am able to interact with people and feel good are not often enough to where I feel like the good times come enough to counteract the bad. Instead of looking forward to the good times I feel like I yearn for them like a starving person yearns for food, and while I am in the good times I am so anxious and depressed about the good times ending that I can't enjoy them fully. I just wish I was normal. My brain is so fucked up. Yet another reason I'm afraid I deserve to be so lonely. I'm too depressed and complicated. I SHOULD die because I'm a burden since I need so much attention and validation and I feel like dying would be less painful than my shitty depressing life with my fucked up brain and no one to talk about all this with other than the non-listening people of tumblr. Tbh I know this is so fucking long no one is going to read it but if anyone does and wants to talk to me please do because all this shit hurts so much and thinking about this stuff is the one thing that actually makes me cry in relation to myself. Like I can cry at emotional things happen externally from myself but not for myself. Except for this. I literally hate my life. Sorry about the rambling now onto the next thing. 4) this spring break trip is about LGBT awareness and one of the sites we are working at is a drop in center that provides services for LGBT people in detroit, ages 13-30. It's honestly so depressing and it keeps making me think about (as terrible as it sounds) how much I hate being trans. Living life as LGBT (esp trans or if you have an marginalized intersecting identity like race, class, ethnicity, ability status, immigration status etc.) is sooooo fucking hard. I feel like the government doesn't care about me at all and that's probably true tbh. beyond that though working at this site has also brought to my attention how much it sucks when your family doesn't accept you as an LGBT person, because the site mostly deals with homeless youth that got kicked out of their homes or had to leave because they weren't accepted and didn't feel safe. Not to make this about me because I know a lot of people, including the people that use the drop in center/shelter site I'm volunteering at, have it worse than me, but I have it hard too. I really don't want to go back to my hometown over this coming summer because I don't want to see my dad and I don't really want to live at home with my mom either. It's just so hard to be trans (aka MYSELF) around my family because they have such a hard time with it and it's so awkward and I truthfully don't feel safe and validated there. But I don't really have many other choices. I can't really afford to stay at college and work or take classes and even if I did I would be so fucking lonely that I honestly might die (see the whole long thing I did in number 3). I feel so trapped and unsafe and like I have no options and control over my life. Like, I know my mom and my sister and even my moms boyfriend care about me a lot, and I care about them, but I don't feel like I can stand to live there. Especially with my grandpa there, I really don't feel safe around him at all. I just don't know what to do. And I feel so stressed constantly about my dad. I feel like I have to tell him I'm trans AT SOME POINT like he will have to know eventually and I'm so so so so so so so so scared about it honestly it terrifies me more than almost anything. I honestly don't know if I could handle his reaction, because I dont really see it being positive. Even if he were to be fine with it there will never ever ever be a point where he would be able to address me in the way I want, just like I'm not sure that will ever happen with most of my extended family. I feel like I am hurting my family by being trans tbh. And I also feel like I am hurting myself and that's why I hate it. There are so many good things about being trans like being able to be myself and be COMFORTABLE being myself. Getting on hormones has been one of the greatest things. I actually feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and that makes me happier sometimes, but most of the time I still feel like shit. That's because there is still so much I feel uncomfortable about. My hips are too big, my chest is too big, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, my voice goes higher sometimes, I don't always pass, my hair looks bad (although this is less of an issue since I've realized I'm trans and started transitioning and had short hair I usually love my hair but am still sometimes self conscious about it not looking right or male enough (which I know is stupid but it's how I feel) ), my nails grow too fast and are always too long, my face looks feminine, I have ~breasts~ that I will never be able to afford top surgery for and ~female genitalia~ that make it so I will never find an actual gay man that I love that will love me back (also because of all of my other l trans related body issues a guy will never love me ). My dsyphoria is so bad whenever I go to class or leave my apartment, or even when I'm in my apartment and certain people that I feel like I need to impress or pass for are there. It's also worse when I am in places where I am prone to be misgendered like when I'm at ~home~ with my family, or in class or out literally anywhere in public where people don't know me. Especially because I don't feel safe being trans. I don't feel safe going out in public not passing. I don't think I will be physically harmed but I'm so afraid that I will be misgendered like I actually was on this trip by people AT AN LGBT ORGANIZATION. it hurt so much and now being at that site and being on this trip with the people from my school that I'm doing this with I feel more dysphoria and more like I need to be extra masculine in order for my identity to be valid. Especially with the current political climate and everything that is happening in this world I just don't feel safe and valid so much of the time, even when I'm in places where I should feel safe and valid. like a few weeks ago in my one class where we had to read an article by a TERF and talk about it on an online discussion forum. People in my class were agreeing with and sympathizing with the TERF and it honestly felt so shitty. Not because I felt insecure about my identity, I'm not. I know I'm trans. I am a man. I am a man. I know I am a man. Nothing will change me being a man. It felt shitty because it just adds to me feeling so unloved. Unloved by my dad, unloved by my peers, unloved by society. I'm lonely and unloved. People hate me for being trans. People hate me for being myself, which is just so depressing for me because I LOVE people so much, as I've said before. I think people are beautiful and amazing and I don't understand how other people function and I loved how diverse people are. I love love love love so much my heart is so full of love and I feel like I dont get enough back. Instead I get constant messages of people invalidating my existence when they misgender me, or when the fuckhead president trump and republican fuckheads in office demonstrate just how much they don't care about trans kids/people. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for because I care about people so fucking much and I give so much. I don't want to sound entitled but it think it deserve it. I love how it feels to be validated and to be loved and to feel happy. I want it more. I don't like feeling invalid, inhuman, unloved and even hated. I really really don't like it. Aside from all the things I've talked about above there are so many other things that make being trans so hard for me. Binding. One thing that helps me feel a little safer. A little more valid. A little more okay with my body. Currently all of my binders are broken. They don't work like they should. I am not as flat as I want to be. It makes me so self conscious and dysphoric every day. And wearing the binder hurts so much. On this trip I have been wearing it like 13-15 hours a day because I'm not even explicitly out to most of the people on this trip. And I am so sore. I've been doing a lot of physical work and I know wearing my binder for so long and doing physical work is not good for my body. I think though that the emotional and mental pain I would get from not wearing it would be much worse. If I could, I would even wear it to sleep because I am sleeping around all these people (tbh most of them are in the LGBT community and alllll of them are sympathetic to the issues because we are on a service learning trip to help LGBT people and learn more about LGBT issues, but I still don't feel comfortable enough. The only people I don't always wear my binder around on a regular basis are my roommate, her boyfriend because he's always over and I can't really avoid it and a person probably my closest friend at school because we are so much alike as she is such a great and supportive friends that I feel reallly extremely safe around) that I get along with very well but I still am so dysphoric that I don't feel comfortable enough with to not wear my binder. It make me sleep worse at night. I am so worried that someone will notice me more while I am sleeping or something. But I bind pretty much constantly when I'm not sleeping, at least while I'm on this alternative spring break, and it hurts. My body wants me to give up I think. I have to do my hormone shot in the morning and I'm really nervous about it because I'm on this spring break trip and not home. There is only 1 bathroom and 20 people staying at this place we are st so it's not feasible for me to do my shot in the bathroom so I'll have to find another spot to do it and it just makes me so self conscious and I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I were cis I wouldn't have to be such a bother about it and idk it's not really logical but it makes me feel some type of way and I'm not excited about it. Another thing I'm not happy about with being trans on this trip specifically is that since we are an LGBT awareness group and it's a service learning trip about LGBT issues and I'm the only trans person on the group I feel obligated to educate the others in the group. Even worse is that since I'm not even technically out to all of them (even though they probably know because I'm not sure how well I pass) it feels more awkward to be the one person that knows so much about trans issues AND having to talk about trans people as if it is a Group that im not in and feeling unable to share how my experiences impact me in relation to the volunteer work we are doing/experiences we/I are having and in relAtion to just me being trans in and of itself. Like, I want them to know about trans issues and benefit from the trip and understand trans issues better in general but i really hate that trAns people are always having to teach people and advocate for themselves. I am on this trip and doing work to help a community that I'm a part of because most of the time people outside of the community don't care enough to do the work and it fucking sucks. Having to "be political" constantly because my identity is political and feeling like I have to advocate for myself constantly and in more ways than cis people do is exhausting and hard to deal with on top of all of the other shit I'm going through. Part of that shit is that my name hasn't been changed yet and that my gender marker isn't changed yet. I forget about it until I get to work and my coworkers call me she and my old name and I see my old name everywhere, on the computer screen, on the shelfs of movies. I forget about it until I have to pay for something with my credit or debit card and I have to sign my legal name. I forget about it until I tell people that my roommate is a girl and when people assume I'm a cis male (aka when I pass) that confuses them and sometimes causes them to misgender me or it causes me to out myself. It is so frustrating and exhausting and just not fun at all. I laugh so much about every terrible situation I'm in and make it off to not be a big deal. Like when I was misgendered on the trip and I mentioned it to the group I laughed and swept it under the rug and shrugged it off and said that it was fine, but it really wasn't. It really doesn't feel fine and I don't feel fine about being at that site in the space where I was misgendered and being around people that keep saying problematic, invalidating, transphobic things. It really really really doesn't feel good and honestly I just want to be held and loved. But instead of saying that I laughed and didn't talk about it because I don't want to out myself and I don't want to be a burden to the people in this group that I'm on a trip with. My feelings aren't important enough to be talked about at length. But all this laughing things off is really starting to take a toll on me I think because I really really really really just want to talk to someone about all of this stuff and I can't avoid it anymore it's building up and if I continue to keep it all to myself I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I could talk about all of this with my therapist. Or about some of it with my group that I'm on this alternative spring break trip with. Or some of it with a friend. But my biggest fear is that I will let it all out like I'm doing now but in an actual conversation and people either won't care or just won't know what to do or how to help me. If I keep it inside I can maybe hold on to the hope that it can be fixed and all these irrational thoughts and feelings can go away but if I let it all out and nothing can be done to fix me or to help me that I would be so so broken. I think it would just take every ounce of hope I have left in me. I don't know if I could go on to be perfectly honest. I want so so desperately to talk about all of this stuff but I'm too afraid to. I really feel like most people don't care and the ones that do can't do anything to help me. I really feel like a lost cause. I'm am so lost and distraught with my life. Ive been holding in all of my thoughts since I was little partly because I was too afraid to talk to my dad when I was little. And then when I got older I was too afraid to talk to anyone. And then I high school whenever I tried to talk about something important (or even things that aren't important) to one of my friends, I always felt like I got talked over or ignored in favor of someone else or something else more important than me. I feel like I have never been anyone's favorite (other than my mom I suppose) person or favorite friend and that hurts too. It makes it that much harder for me to interact with people in casual ways let alone in significant ways. I don't know what to do. I guess just get up tomorrow and do my testosterone shot and take a shower and get dressed and interact with people and try to have fun and try not to think too much. Thinking hurts. Feeling hurts. I'm crying good thing everyone is asleep. No one will read this. As it should be probably. fuck my life.