#who. once he finds out I am gay. starts to treat me with disgust and is really homophobic

[florafight]

.

[burneddownthegym]

When do you think Buffy and Spike started developing feelings for each other? I think for Spike it started in season 2 which has been kind of confirmed by Dru, but what about Buffy? Their relationship seemed to change after Spike let Glory torture him to protect Dawn, but I like to believe Buffy had unregistered feelings for Spike way earlier. I don’t know what’s true though. She let him live many times when she shouldn’t and that could just be the writers wanting to keep Spike but it could also be read as Buffy not wanting to kill him for some reason. If I were Buffy I would have at least been attracted to him from the start but I’m not Buffy. What do you think?

oh god. i started writing this and it just got more and more unhinged until i was left with a novel. but here’s my headcanon under the cut.

i think for spike it started in season 2, yeah. kind of immediately. i mean in his second episode he already has like ten tv’s mounted on the ceiling to obsessively watch buffy fight? ok weirdo. obviously the writers weren’t planning on spuffy at the time but it all fits with the dru retcon in “fool for love”. i think any feelings he had were super repressed in him for a while though, and were probably closer to obsession than anything (where does one draw the line between obsession and love? much to think about!!). tbh, and maybe this is controversial, i kind of think it’s not until “intervention” that he really understands just how in love with her he is, or what it really means to be in love with her. he definitely thinks he’s in love, he has a raging, identity-crisis crush, but i don’t know, something just feels different after that episode. i feel like it’s when his feelings for buffy really become less about him and more about her. like, less about having her or wanting her to recognize him, and more about wanting to be what she actually needs. less about *loving* buffy and more about loving *buffy*, maybe. so even though his feelings before then are real, they feel real in a different way to me after “intervention”.

buffy is harder. personally, i don’t think she was ever consciously attracted to spike until maybe s5. (buffy being immediately attracted to him in fic is actually a huge pet peeve for me; it doesn’t feel in character at all and can even make me stop reading). i think there was latent attraction, but spike was just so far outside the bounds of who she thought she would be attracted to that it doesn’t register that way (reason #34095 spuffy is a lesbian ship, obv. also it’s why her being attracted to him immediately can turn me off in fic, bc it makes the relationship feel less gay, and that’s kind of important to me). i think she finds him tacky and annoying and lame and just not a sexual object. he’s a soulless vampire and you don’t sexualize those. and so anything sexual she felt toward him she dismissed the way you might dismiss a weird sex dream about someone you’d never want in real life (jane espenson apparently had notes on her desk pre-s5 saying buffy had sex dreams about him, which i totally buy, especially after “something blue”). i think one of the reasons she freaks out so bad in “crush” is that suddenly spike isn’t in the non-sexualizable category anymore. like, what, vampires and slayers are sexualizing each other now? like in real life not just innuendo? you broke the rules, what am i supposed to do now? it’s why she’s so weirded out when he tries to kiss her in “fool for love” and goes on about how people can’t love without a soul in “crush”. spike isn’t fitting his sexual category and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so she tries to stuff him back in. long story short, i think it’s only after “crush” that she actually consciously thinks about his attractiveness, because before then he just wasn’t someone on the table for her to think about that way.

(oh i should also add—i think spike’s “crush” moment with buffy is “who are you?” when faith comes onto him. because it was sort of a similar thing for him. even though he was attracted to buffy before that episode, it was something he repressed or treated as kind of a game. innuendo and eroticism as a battle tactic but not something you’d actually follow through on in real life. but he thinks buffy breaks the rules in “who are you?” and suddenly makes herself real-life sexualizable. so i think his attraction becomes more conscious after that, even if he’s still trying to act like it’s something that disgusts him, like buffy post-“crush”.)

(also, this is why it’s so easy to read violence and murder as sublimated desire in a gay way with spuffy. it’s not really about murder and violence. it’s about them expressing romantic/erotic desire within the bounds of what their roles allow, because they can’t conceive of each other in other roles.)

but i do think buffy did still have some sort of draw to spike before s5. i feel like instinctually she saw him as more of a person than other vampires pretty early. definitely not consciously, and definitely wasn’t love. but she talks to him like he’s a really annoying guy more than she talks to him like some sort of mindless enemy. she doesn’t bother telling other soulless vampires that she violently dislikes them, or mock them about their breakups. i think the only other soulless vampires she sort of treats that way are harmony and holden in cwdp, which makes sense since both of those are vampires she knew before they were vamped. she didn’t kill harmony either, and wasn’t excited about having to kill holden. but spike is the only “stranger” vampire she sees that way, and i think that’s interesting! i think a lot of her conflict over him is due to this too, tbh. he instinctually feels like both a person and not-a-person to her, and that’s hard for her to process.

i have zero canon to back this up, but i think the first time buffy kind of sort of falls in love with spike is in “the gift”, when he says he’d protect dawn until the end of the world. i mainly think this because i don’t think it can be understated how important dawn is to buffy, or how telling it is that she kisses spike in “intervention”. other people have said this, but she just doesn’t kiss people every time they do something nice for her. i don’t think she would have done that unless she felt some sort of latent *something* for him, and unless he’d done something that really deeply affected her. him being willing to sacrifice himself for dawn’s sake, or protect her above all, affects buffy first: because of how self-sacrificing she is. she’s always the one who has to die or put herself on the line for other people. and second: she’s the only one who cares about dawn the way she does. no one else goes into a coma or threatens giles or vows to protect her until the end of the world…except spike.

so the fact that spike would understand the self-sacrificial and protecting-dawn parts of her, or help her with them in the same unthinkingly committed way, when no one else is, i think hits her where she lives. he understands and is not just supporting, but *embodying* this hugely important thing to her at the time when it counts the most. so she falls a bit in love with him. maybe just a second, or a minute, and then she ignores it and saves the world. but that’s the first time it happens.

then as far as s6 goes, i pretty much take buffy at her word when she says she has feelings for him, but that they’re not love. i think she has really intense and confusing emotions around him and for him, but they just don’t cohere into something that could be called something clear-cut like love. and that’s sort of the tragedy of that season? it has all the potential and intensity and chemistry for love, but she doesn’t like or trust herself and she doesn’t trust him, and he isn’t in a place where he can understand the guilt and self-hate she’s going through, or be moral without her guidance, and so in a lot of ways her lack of trust really is justified. so it just can’t quite reach the realness of love, where you want and want to care for the other person’s whole self. but (adding this edit based on a comment by marinxttes!), i totally agree that a lot of her breakup with spike is about her feeling enough for him that it doesn’t feel right to use him anymore. i think that’s the decisive moment when she stops being confused about whether he is or isn’t a person (and whether *she* is or isn’t), and decides he is one. maybe not one she thinks she can love yet, but one she genuinely cares about doing right by, and that’s a huge shift.

i believe her in s7 too when dawn asks if she loves him and she says she feels for him. i don’t know when exactly that whole mess starts cohering into something that really is love for buffy, but i feel like it’s happening the whole season. like air condensing into water. all the pieces have been there, amorphously, for a long time, and finally they’re allowed to take form. so when she says “i love you” in “chosen”, it’s at once something new, and also something that’s been there all along.

[hrh-prince-butt]

lazy mornings

have some disgusting tooth-rotting fluff. as a treat <3

-

“We should probably get up.” 

Alex groans, making no effort to move. He is laying so comfortably, his head resting on Henry’s chest, one arm draped across his body. Henry’s hand is in his hair, following his curls in little circular motions with his fingers. Alex doesn’t see a reason to get up, ever. 

“Alex, love,” Henry tries again, though he doesn’t seem thrilled at the prospect of starting the day, either. “We can’t stay in bed all day.” 

“Why not?” Alex demands, his voice muffled as he presses his face against Henry’s bare chest. Neither of them is wearing any clothes, he notices with delight. 

Henry sighs, tugging playfully at Alex’s hair. Alex opens his eyes, squinting at the sunlight pouring through the bedroom window. 

“It’s 10 AM, already,” Henry notes, lifting his hand from Alex’s head to look at his watch. 

Alex lifts his own hand to Henry’s, lazily intertwining their fingers. “So?”

“Our friends are coming over later.” Henry moves both of their hands to his lips and gives Alex’s a soft kiss. “Did you forget?” 

“Ah, fuck,” Alex swears under his breath. He had, in fact, forgotten all about that. “That’s not until much later, though,” he argues, lifting his head slightly to look at Henry. He lets his non-occupied hand glide over Henry’s chest, giving him his best and most charming smile. To his satisfaction, Henry practically melts under his gaze. “We can stay in bed a little while longer, can’t we, baby?” 

Henry huffs and tries to look annoyed, but he can’t quite stop the smile tugging on his lips. It makes Alex smile too, and he has the sudden thought that if he isn’t kissing Henry on those beautiful lips within the next two seconds, he will drop dead. 

He hoists himself up on one elbow and leans in to kiss Henry, who drops his hand in favour of wrapping his arms around Alex and pulling him closer. Once they’re both out of breath from kissing, Alex lets himself fall down onto the bed again, regarding his boyfriend with a giddy sort of grin. He looks so fucking beautiful, sprawled lazily on the bed, aesthetically grazed by the sunlight that fills the room.  

I’m the luckiest son of a bitch in the world, Alex thinks to himself, his grin only growing wider. I get to wake up next to this beautiful fucker every day. He is about to open his mouth and offer some embarrassing sentiment about how lucky he is, when Henry sits up, rubbing his face with a yawn. 

“I really do need to get up now,” he says, smiling briefly at Alex before standing up. “Nature calls.” 

While Henry is in the bathroom, Alex manages to untangle himself from the sheets and get out of bed, though it’s in a much less graceful manner than Henry. He rolls over the edge, and lands on the floor with a thud that startles a disgruntled yelp out of David, who had been blissfully asleep until now. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, before immediately feeling stupid for talking to a dog. He swore he would never become like those crazy pet-obsessed white folks who celebrate their dogs’ birthdays, but there are pictures on his phone of a certain beagle in an adorable birthday hat that proves just how badly he has failed at this. He 100% blames his boyfriend. It’s kind of incredible how many little quirks and habits he and Henry are accidentally picking up from each other. 

He can hear the water running from the shower, so he figures it will be a while before Henry is out. An excellent opportunity to surprise him with breakfast. Not that he really wants to get up and cook right now, but the smile on Henry’s face will be worth it. 

-

By the time Henry comes into the kitchen, his hair still damp from the shower, Alex has set the table, ready with scrambled eggs, bacon and sausages, and is pouring a cup of tea into Henry’s favourite mug. The mug itself is really nothing special, but he knows the value it holds to Henry. It was custom-made by Bea, and sent to him during this year’s pride month - the first pride month where he was able to be openly and authentically himself. It has the words gay as a maypole written underneath an illustrated rainbow. 

“God, this smells bloody incredible,” Henry says, and there’s that smile Alex loves so much. 

“Morning, sweetheart.” Alex sets down Henry’s tea, as well as his own cup of coffee, on the table in front of them. Henry sits down, eyeing the sausages hungrily, but before he can scoop any food onto his plate, Alex comes up behind him, putting both arms around him and leaning down to kiss the top of his head. “Love you,” he mumbles against Henry’s still-damp hair. 

Henry leans his head back to look at Alex, with eyes that are a fucking bottomless ocean Alex can’t help but get lost in. “I love you too.” 

They eat breakfast mostly in silence, but it’s the comfortable sort of silence that doesn’t need to be filled. Henry frowns a little when Alex gets out his phone to check the news, but seems to decide it’s not worth arguing about, and instead pulls over a book from across the table and starts reading. He’s still reading when Alex has finished skimming headlines for anything interesting. 

Alex watches him silently for a few pages worth of reading. Henry is too focused to notice, his brows knitting closer together in concentration. Every once in a while he chuckles or sighs or rolls his eyes and Alex’s heart swells with affection. 

It gets a little frustrating eventually, though, not being paid attention to, so he reaches out for Henry’s hand, the one that isn’t holding the book. “Baby,” he whines, and Henry looks up, with an eye-roll that’s now directed at him instead of the book. 

“Oh, sorry, love,” he says, a smile playing on his lips. “I forgot you go into panic mode when you go ten minutes without receiving attention.” 

Alex huffs indignantly, but he doesn’t really have anything to say in his defence. “So, give me attention then,” he says.

Henry finds a little flap of paper - a post-it note with a short to-do list scribbled on - and puts it between the book’s pages like a bookmark. “You’re a menace,” he says fondly, putting down the book.

“Thank you, darling,” Alex says, winking dramatically. 

That earns him a laugh from Henry, soft and crystal-clear and the most beautiful fucking sound Alex has ever heard, and he’s once again overwhelmed by the feeling of holy shit, I am so fucking lucky. This time he doesn’t waste time, he just says it, not caring if it makes him sound stupid and sappy. 

“I’m the luckiest person in the world,” he says, realizing with embarrassment that he actually does care a little bit about sounding stupid and sappy. He can feel his cheeks go red and he quickly looks away, down into his empty coffee mug. “I mean, you have a nice ass,” he mumbles. 

Henry touches a hand to his chin, nudging it up so he’s looking at him again. To Alex’s annoyance, he’s grinning smugly. “You have a nice ass, too.” 

[broken-stardust]

Maybe Hotch Was Right

Summary: Spencer and Reader don't get along, but things change when Spencer finds him during a personal moment.

Category: Angst/Fluff SpencerxMale!Reader

Content Warnings: homophobia, cursing, kissing, crying

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: This was written for @imagining-in-the-margins's August Enemies to Lovers challenge, and I didn't procrastinate till the end of the month! Look at me go!! Anyway, I hope you enjoy my gay writing.

Y/N was the most insufferable person I knew. He was full of himself, he thought he knew better than anybody else, and he always had to be right. It infuriated me. It wasn't that he wasn't smart; he was. Incredibly smart, in fact. It was just that he had to make sure everyone knew it, and he'd rub it into people's faces all the time.

It didn't help that he was cute, too. If he'd been ugly, it would have made it so much easier to hate him. But he had these eyes that just drew me in. And that smile! Oh my god, that smile. If only he wasn't such an asshole.

He was nice enough, I supposed, just an arrogant prick. But everybody else liked him, and that just made my hatred for him that much worse. Why couldn't anyone see what he was doing? He was playing them all like a fiddle, but I wasn't falling for it. I knew that underneath that grin, he was just a self-consumed smartass.

He had been a thorn in my side throughout this entire case, too. Hotch kept pairing us up in hopes that we'd realize that our feud was uncalled for, but Y/N was just as stubborn as I was, if not more. The last straw had been when Hotch assigned us to the same hotel room.

"But Hotch," I whined, praying he'd have mercy on me and let me stay with Derek instead. "I won't be-"

He cut me off with a hand raised to my face.

"This isn't up for discussion, Reid," he warned. "You are sharing a room with Y/L/N, and if I need to, I won't let you out until you make up over whatever this stupid argument is about."

I rolled my eyes. Was he really treating me like a child right now? Still, I knew arguing would get me nowhere.

"Yes, Sir," I said in defeat before heading in the direction of my room.

Y/N was already in there, and I dreaded having to enter. With all the courage I could muster up, I opened the door and stepped inside.

It was dark except for the faint light coming in through the window, and I heard some sort of noise. A sniffle maybe? Was he... crying?

As the door closed behind me, I heard him scramble to hide whatever it was that he was doing. I mentally cursed myself for intruding on such a personal moment, even if I did hate the guy's guts.

"Are you, um, are you okay?" I finally asked after ages of silence.

I heard another sniffle come from his direction.

"Why would you care?" Y/N spat.

I approached slowly.

"Well, you're crying and-"

"Oh so now that I'm crying you suddenly care about me?" I stepped back again. "You don't have to pretend to give a shit just because I'm upset. You hate me, and I hate you. Let's just keep it that way."

I took a deep breath and resolved to sit on my bed, facing away from him. If he was going to be like that, I didn't want to deal with him. I closed my eyes and started going over the Fibonacci Sequence in my head to pass time.

"My parents found out that I'm gay," I heard his sudden, soft voice say through a sniffle.

My heart softened just a little bit at the words. I knew how hard it was to come out, how painful it was to get rejected. Even more so when you were forced out of the closet instead of coming out of your own free will.

"It didn't go well, then," I whispered. It was more to myself than to him, but he heard it anyway.

"What gave you that idea, Einstein?" he said bitterly. I could hear the hurt in his voice.

"I'm sorry. What did they say?"

"Why should I tell you?"

I sighed and got up off of my bed to go over to his and sit next to him. With the little bit of light that was in the room, I could faintly see Y/N's face. His eyes were red and puffy, and his cheeks were stained from tears. I wondered how long he'd been crying.

"I'm trying to help," I told him. "Talk to me."

I could see him contemplate opening up to me. Eventually, he wiped his eyes with shaky hands and looked down while picking at his nails.

"They said that I'm disgusting and that I'm going to Hell," Y/N admitted. My heart broke at the words.

"How'd they find out?" I asked gently.

"I was texting with my sister about a guy I like and she accidentally texted my parents instead of me. They figured it out from there."

A single tear rolled down his cheek. I fought the urge to wipe it from his face.

"I'm so sorry," I murmured. "How can I help you feel better?"

Y/N shrugged. He looked so defeated, I felt bad about the way I'd treated him throughout the case.

"What about this guy?" I asked. "Maybe you want to tell me about him?"

"I'd rather not," Y/N said as he cleared his throat. I noticed him visibly stiffen. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "I know I act like a dick." I kept my mouth shut. "I have to be the smartest person in the room, and I have to do everything right."

I let out a short laugh as he admitted what we'd both known all along. This must have been his way of apologizing, so I let him continue.

"But that's not really me," Y/N admitted quietly. "I'm so insecure. I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone because, well, my whole life I've been fed the narrative that I should be ashamed of who I am. I guess I try to overcompensate."

I hesitantly reached over and put a hand on his shoulder. This man that I'd hated for so long was baring his soul to me, and I felt like I didn't deserve it.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated for the umpteenth time. "I didn't know. If I did, I wouldn't have been so rude to you." Then, I decided to take a chance. "So about that guy..."

Y/N shifted away from me uncomfortably.

"I kind of like a guy too," I whispered, slightly hoping he wouldn't hear me. "If that makes you feel any better."

In the pale moonlight, I could see his eyes grow wider. He turned to me with a shocked expression, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"But-" he cut himself off before he could say anything stupid. I shot him a sheepish grin. A wave of understanding washed over him, and he smiled slightly. "Can I..."

Instead of giving him a verbal answer, I leaned in and planted a soft kiss on his lips. I started to pull away, but his hands caught my face and pulled me back in. I sighed into the kiss, and Y/N smiled. He tasted like mint and strawberries. I didn't want the moment to end.

But of course, nothing lasts forever. Once we separated, Y/N began to cry again. This time, it was a strong, shaking cry that overtook his whole body. Panic set in as I wondered if I shouldn't have done that. I pulled Y/N close and rocked him back and forth with me while playing with his hair and whispering words of affirmation to him.

"What's wrong?" I asked, afraid of what the answer might be. I desperately didn't want him to think our kiss was a mistake.

"We just... we've been fighting this whole time," he said between sobs. "We both knew. Don't lie, I know you knew it too. And yet, we spent this whole time fighting."

"It's okay," I assured him. "We can't take back the past, but we can change the future."

I planted another soft kiss on his cheek and guided him to lay down in his bed. Once he was situated under the covers, I crawled into the bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.

"I love you," he choked out into my chest.

"I love you, too," I told him and pulled him even closer. "We'll get you through this. I promise."

Y/N nodded and cried until he was all tired out. We held each other tightly as we both drifted off to sleep, unsure of what may lay ahead. As I shut my eyes, I thought to myself, maybe Hotch was right.

[the-sympathetic-villain]

The Stowaway’s Heart: Chapter 7

AO3 | First | Previous | Next | Masterpost

Description:  Virgil is rescued by selkies after being abandoned at sea and brought back to their pod to recover. Virgil’s poor, gay heart may just explode from how attractive they all are.

Word Count: 8012

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of past abuse/neglect, Mentions of past control, Mentions of blood, Brief mention of spiders w/o detail, mentions of past abandonment, false accusations, mentions of blood, hypnosis-like trance, anxiety/panic, sexual innuendo, cuddling (Let me know if I missed anything!)

-

   “I didn’t do what they say I did.” Virgil murmured softly, not looking up from the desk. “I'd never hurt anyone.”

    Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Janus eyes darting from side to side, watching the air above him. “I know, Virgil. Why don't you tell me what happened?”

    Virgil crossed his arms, going limp in his chair. A familiar wetness fell down his cheeks and raised his wrist to wipe the tears away. “Is this part of the reading?”

    “No,” Janus leaned forward off the edge of the bed. “and even if it was, you don't have to tell me anything you don't wish to share. I'm asking you to tell me because I think it would benefit you to tell someone the truth.”

    Virgil looked up at him, eyes glistening as the lamplight flickered chaotically in them. Janus returned his ice-cold gaze with a smooth smile and tilted his head so his golden scar glistened in the amber light.

    “Perhaps, you would feel more comfortable if I shared my sob story first,” Janus opened his mouth with a dramatic pause, before looking to Virgil with a devilish grin. “Oh, that’s right. You already know my tragic, origin story.”

    Chewing his lip, Virgil crossed his arms as he petulantly looked away.  “I said I was sorry that they told me—”

     “—and I told you it wasn’t your fault.” Janus grinned, standing up off the bed to cross behind Virgil. “In all seriousness, I do not intend to hold the action of your lovers against you.”

    Virgil tensed. The feeling of being watched crawled up his neck as Janus circled around him. “Why bring it up then?”

    “Because I believe people find it easier to open up when they’re not the only one being vulnerable.” Virgil winced as Janus appeared on his far side. With a subtle flourish of his white pelt, he leaned against the edge of the desk to face Virgil.

    Virgil eyed him suspiciously. “You mean it's easier to pry into people’s minds when your being relatable.”

    Janus turned his nose up at the thought. “I'm not simply trying to manipulate your emotions so you’ll spill your secrets to me, Virgil.”

     “Then why am I here?” Virgil growled, crossing his arms tighter across his chest.

     Janus’ smooth expression faltered. He softened his voice, leaning closer. “Because you clearly need help, Virgil.”

     Virgil’s eyes flitted up to him cautiously, but he remained silent.

     “I don't expect you to give trust I haven't earned. So, let's build some rapport, Virgil.” Janus continued, nonchalantly tipping his head toward Virgil. “You've heard my tragedy. Would you like to hear my love story?”

    Virgil’s eyes narrowed in on him in confusion. “Why?”

     “My reasons for sharing will become apparent at the end of the story.” Janus grinned, letting the temptation hang over Virgil’s head for a moment before continuing. “I'm not exactly the touchy-feely sharing type like your lovers, so this may be your only opportunity to hear the story of how Roman and I met.”

     “Roman?”

     Janus' grin widened and Virgil clamped his mouth shut, realizing he'd taken Janus' bait.

     “Are you surprised?”

      Virgil furrowed his brow, casting his gaze toward the ground as he feigned disinterest. “I don’t know either of you particularly well. Why would I be surprised?”

       Janus smiled deviously down at Virgil as lifted his head. He stroked the white fur on shoulder, drawing out the moment as Virgil’s curiosity grew. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you wondered about Roman’s judgment. After all, even if he is my soulmate, he didn't have to settle for someone like me. Even if their pod had abandoned them, any other pod would have taken him in a heartbeat. He could have had his pick of anyone and h

     “He came after you?” Virgil leaned forward curiously as he looked up at Janus. “Like how?”

      “Yes, he, um—” Janus bit his lip with a fond smile. “You see, there places in the world where selkies meet during certain parts of the year. They meet on the beach and eat, drink—” Janus paused with a subtle smile. “—and mate.”

     Virgil grimaced, barely resisting the urge to stick his tongue out in disgust. “And you met Roman at one of these things?”

    “No.” Janus stared at the ground bitterly. “I would never have been allowed to participate in such events. I was barely allowed to see members of my own pod, let alone the member of others.”

    “Well, that's bullshit.” Virgil watched as Janus tilted his head up with surprise.

    Janus stared at him for a long moment and Virgil’s skin started to prickle as Janus' eyes danced over his body. Virgil shrank back into his chair, feeling vulnerable as Janus gaze lifted from his chest to his eyes.

    “You actually believe that."

    Virgil tightened his arms across his chest as he watched Janus wide-eyed look as he stared over Virgil’s shoulder. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “Of course, I do.”

    Silence hung over them as Janus' movements stilled. He seemed to ponder Virgil’s words for a moment before returning to his story. He looked to the ground and his voice fell to a whisper. “Roman was at one of these gatherings when he overheard my podmates—my brothers—talking about leaving me behind. They were relieved—” Janus sighed. “—They were relieved to be rid of me.”

    “I'm sorry—”

    “Roman wasn't sorry. He was furious.” Janus smiled as he spoke. “I'm sure you've noticed he is particularly attached to his family.”

     Virgil scoffed. “I think that's an understatement.”

     “Well, apparently seeing mine treat me so poorly was quite the trigger for him.” Janus smiled. “He caused quite the scene he realized what my pod had done to me. If it weren't for Remus interceding, he may have actually torn them to shreds.”

     Virgil eyed him suspiciously. “I thought you said he wasn't the violent type.”

      “Well, to be fair, he didn't actually kill them,” Janus shrugged as a fond smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “and he really isn't prone to violence under normal circumstances.”

     Virgil raised an eyebrow at him and shook his head in a show of disbelief, but he was finding it difficult to ignore the sweet smile growing on Janus' face as he talked about Roman.

     “Roman dragged Remus miles out of their way to find me,” Janus sighed. “They could have done anything, but those fools chose to go after me.”

     “What about Logan?” Virgil leaned forward curiously.

     Janus glanced up at him with a shrug. “The four of them were only recently forced out on their own without their pod at that point. Patton was only a baby. Someone needed to stay with him and he was still only really used to Logan back then.”

     Virgil stared at him curiously. “So that's it? Roman and Remus went and fetched you. You realized you were soulmates and here you are?”

     A soft breath from Janus drew Virgil’s attention upward and he blinked, confused. Janus’ eyes were distant and his shoulders slumped as he continued to breath slowly. “It’s never  really that simple, is it?”

     Virgil watched as Janus drew a deep breath and looked up at him. “I didn’t know Roman was my soulmate until months after they rescued me.”

     “What?”

     “I was in a bad place, Virgil.”  Janus stared down at him seriously. “Years of isolation and neglect had left me raw with emotion and the barest touch nearly caused me to collapse on multiple occasions.”

    “I'm sorry.”

    Janus didn't look up at Virgil’s attempt to reassure them. “I never questioned that fate wasn’t real until I met Roman. Despite my ability to see the forces of the universe at work around us, it always seemed too cruel to be planned.” Janus paused, looking up at Virgil. “Yet, truly what are the chances that my soulmate happened to be in just the right place at just the right time to save me at a time when I was certain I was going to see the end of my life.”

    Virgil looked up at him and the knowing look in Janus' eyes gave him pause.

     “I have a theory, Virgil,” Janus mused as he crossed behind Virgil once more. “I don't think that soulmates' psychic connection begins at the first touch. I believe it merely becomes stronger. Whether it is by fate's design or not, I think our soulmate’s can tell when we are in danger of destroying ourselves.”

    Virgil tilted his head up to meet Janus' serious gaze. “I didn't exactly lock myself in that cell.”

    “Perhaps not,” Janus stopped just behind Virgil’s shoulder. “but you were ready to give up. Even now, you’re struggling to believe that's not what you deserved.”

    “Get out of my head.” Virgil muttered bitterly.

    “I don’t have to be in your head to see that's true, Virgil.” Janus sighed as he lowered himself on the bed to watch Virgil chewing anxiously on his lip at the desk. “Tell me what's going on, Virgil.”

     “I wasn’t even around when it happened.” Virgil dropped his gaze to the ground. “Everyone believed them, but I didn’t touch him.

     “It’s okay, Virgil.” Janus watched him carefully. “I believe you.”

    “The people I worked for—They were bad. I found out what they were doing and I think they—I think they hurt someone—"

     Janus leaned forward, watching as Virgil curled forward in his chair. “Why don't you started from the beginning, Virgil?”

     Virgil glanced up at him. He could feel tears welling in his eyes and he frowned as he forced his voice to remain steady. “I grew up in a home for kids who didn’t have any other place to go. It was a miserable place, but I survived. I'd been so close to just aging out when they sold me off. Gods, if only they let me go. I would have been better off on the streets—”

    Janus tensed, slowly reaching to pull Virgil’s hands away from where he was tugging anxiously at his own hair. When he spoke his voice had a edge to it that felt sharp enough to cut glass. “The home sold you?”

    “They placed me with a family of nobles for a price.” Virgil shrugged. “It worked out for both of them. The home didn't have to pay to take care of me anymore and the family that took me got cheap labor. At the time, even I thought it sounded like a good deal.”

    Janus frowned. “You were a child.”

    “Barely, and I needed the money to—” Virgil paused, glancing up at Janus suspiciously. “Whatever, I just needed the money and it seemed like a good deal so I agreed to it.”

    “But they were awful?”

     Virgil nodded slowly.

     “Why didn’t you leave, Virgil?”

     “I couldn’t. No one else in the city would risk their wrath to hire me. They barely paid me enough to get by, let alone save enough to leave the city,” Virgil paused. “I was trapped. Even when I finally became an adult, I was too indebted to them to ever be allowed to leave.”

     Janus sighed. “How are you here then?”

     “I stole from them.” Virgil’s voice was numb as he continued to stare down at the ground. “Nothing serious. Just medicine for a friend. I didn’t think they'd even notice.”

     Janus glanced down at Virgil trembling at the desk and looked up at him. “You’re safe here, Virgil.”

     Virgil ignored him, unable to stop himself from speaking. A weight seemed to lift off his shoulders as the words he'd been holding back fell from his lips. “Honestly, they may not have even noticed. They may have just decided I had outlived my usefulness.” Virgil sighed, looking up at Janus. “Either way, I tried to go back through the servant's quarters that night and there were soldiers waiting at the ready to arrest me.”

    Janus raised an eyebrow at him, casually leaning back against the wall with a guarded expression. “For stealing medicine?”

    “No. Something else happened that night. There was blood in the hallway.” Virgil bit his lip. “I—I think they killed someone and framed me.”

     A long pause hung between them before Janus cautiously broke the silence. “You don’t even know what you’re accused of?”

     Virgil stared into the distance, leaning his chair back as he balanced precariously. “Wanted posters were already going up when I hopped on the first ship out of there. I couldn’t afford to wait around and find out.”

     Janus stared at them in disbelief.  “And then you ended up on that ship?”

      Virgil nodded stiffly, crossing his arms and leaning his head down onto the desk. “It's all a blur from there. One of the crew caught me stealing food and they threw me in the brig. The ship was boarded that night—pirates probably. They killed the crew and they clearly didn’t know there was a bounty on my head or they probably would have taken me. As it was, they didn't even bother to kill me before fleeing the ship with their loot. They just left me to rot away.”

     “You know I've never gotten to say this without feeling hypocritical but you’ve got some pretty shit luck.” Janus stood up, absently pulling a small, black pouch out of his pocket.

     “Janus, I have to know.” Virgil exhaled sharply. “What are you going to tell them?”

     “Tell who?”

     “Don't play dumb, Janus. What are you going to tell Logan and Remus?” Virgil growled into his arms on the desk. “And Roman, for that matter, since he's made it clear that he’ll rip out my throat for even one false move.”

     Virgil glared at him, but Janus merely stared at him, dumbfounded. “Those lovers of yours truly don't share a single brain cell between them—”

     “Hey—” Virgil snapped, spinning around. He jolted in shock as he turned and Janus was inches from his face.

     “Relax,” Janus’ smooth expression  didn’t falter as Virgil bared his teeth at him. “I only mean that, while they were freely divulging unnecessary personal information about my life, they clearly neglected to convey to you the very relevant fact that everything you say here is private, Virgil.”

     Virgil blinked. “What?”

     “I'm not here to interrogate you and report back to Roman, Virgil.” Janus let out a stiff chuckle. “If posed an actual threat, perhaps —

     “I have a bounty on my head—”  Virgil snarled at Janus.

     “For a crime you didn’t commit,” Janus commented lazily, moving away from Virgil and dropping the black pouch on the desk in front of him. Virgil glanced up at the pouch before looking up at Virgil cautiously. “We’re selkies. Every one of us is worth a fortune, if we were found and captured. Your presence here is not any more of a threat than anyone else’s.”

     Virgil’s mouth hung agape with disbelief. “You really aren’t going to tell them?”

     “No,” Janus smiled patiently. “though you may consider telling them yourself.”

     “I will,” Virgil ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. “I want to tell Logan and Remus—”

     “—but you don't trust Roman.” Janus supplied dryly, looking up at him.

     Virgil hesitated, hunching down nervously in his chair as Janus walked behind him. “I-I’m sorry, Janus. I know he's your soulmate, but he doesn’t like me—”

    “Well dear,” Virgil shivered as Janus finger dragged along his shoulder and his long fingers came to rest at the base of his neck. “That is simply not true.”

     “What—” Virgil froze as Janus’ grip tightened on the back of his neck. He shuddered, feeling the strength in Janus’ wrists. Virgil bared his teeth and hissed his next words compliantly in Janus grip. “I'm pretty sure Roman has considered murdering me every time he's seen me.”

    Janus leaned over his shoulder with a smirk. “You probably should have considered that before deciding to shove your tongue down his brother’s throat.”

     Virgil turned his head up to Janus cautiously. “How do you know—wait, brother?”

     Chuckling as Virgil swallowed nervously, Janus nodded. “Now, if you thought he was protective of Logan, you can only imagine how intense he gets regarding his own flesh and blood—”

     “Wait, I—I didn't know—" Stiffening, Virgil stared at Janus with wide eyes, feeling his heart speed up in his chest.

    Janus chuckled. His demeanor softened as his grip on Virgil loosened. “Relax, Virgil. I'm only teasing you. You’re not in any trouble. In fact, I daresay Roman might actually quite like you.”

    Virgil stared blankly at Janus.  “What?”

    “Don’t get me wrong. There was no lost love for you at first. He would have been glad to leave you to your own devices on that ship, but—” Janus held up a finger as Virgil bit his lip nervously. “—since your incident with our smallest podmate, his opinions of you are no longer so black and white.”

    “You mean Patton?” Virgil straightened upright, suddenly curious.

    “Roman has a sweet spot for the kid,” Janus nodded slowly. “and you made quite the impression on Patton. He won't stop talking about you.”

    Virgil smiled warmly at the thought and shrugged. “Kids tend to like me.”

    “You have experience with them?” Janus asked nonchalantly, staring into the space above his head.

    Virgil tensed, eyeing Janus suspiciously. “That’s none of your business.”

    A tense silence hung between them as Virgil remained silent, but Janus merely smiled, staring into the space around him. “Clearing your mind doesn't change what I see, Virgil. If anything, it makes it eas—”

    “Stop.” Virgil hissed. “Logan said you wouldn’t pry into anything I didn’t want you to and this is off limits. Otherwise, I’m ending this conversation.”

    Glancing up one last time, Janus forced his gaze down to meet Virgil, ignoring what he was seeing above his head. “Very well. The point of this experience is not for me to make you uncomfortable.”

    Virgil watched suspiciously as Janus leaned on the desk.

    “Selkie children are often more intuitive than adults,” Janus mused absently as he crossed his arms, staring at the ground. “Personally,  I believe it is because their magic is not fully concentrated into their pelt until it changes. They sense danger far quicker than adults. Human children are often similar. Are they not?”

    “Sometimes." Virgil cautiously stared at Janus, who seemed suddenly lost in thought.

    “Patton had no reservations about you, Virgil. In fact, he would have made more attempts to see more of you, but fortunately the child seems to respect my authority even when he disregards the others.” Janus lifted his head to Virgil with a curious look in his eyes. “Now, what do you think that says about you?”

    Virgil hesitated. He looked down, considering Janus words. “It says nothing about me.”

    Janus frowned, staring at him intently. “Roman believed you were a threat when Logan brought you here, but Patton’s reaction to you has given him pause. I think, given everything he’s seen of you, he’s beginning to doubt that you are actually a bad person.”

    Virgil sighed. “Well, he's wrong.”

    “I don't think he is, Virgil.”

    Virgil tensed, chin tucked into his chest as he muttered breathlessly. Guilt welled in his chest as his voice trembled. “A good person wouldn’t have hid the fact that there’s a hefty price on my head from the one person who seemed to care if I lived or died on that ship—”

    “Oh, please.”

    Virgil blinked, looking up at Janus as he interrupted him. “What?”

    Janus stared down at him seriously. “Any person with a shred of self-preservation would have recognized that sharing that information could have gotten you killed. You were only trying to survive, so spare me the pitiful display of self-indulgent self-deprecation.”

     Virgil stared blankly back at him for a moment, before his eyes darkened once more. “I healed to a point where dying wasn’t an immediate threat days ago. I had no excuse to continue to hide it from them.”

     “Oh really?” Janus replied dryly. “If you had been asked to leave, how long do you think you would have survived once we put you on a boat and shipped you off?”

    Virgil stared at him quietly.

     “Thought so. Your negativity towards yourself will not fly by me unchecked, Virgil.” A compassionate smile spread across Janus’ face as he paused. “You did the best you could, given the situation. No one was significantly at risk for your lies and you are alive.”

     “Whatever—” Virgil gritted his teeth and muttered before Janus interrupted him.

     “—and you shouldn’t be afraid to tell the people that are supposed to care about you that you’re in trouble—”

     “Well, I'm not afraid of them. I'm afraid of Ro—” Virgil spat defensively.

    “I will handle Roman.”

    “What?” Virgil looked up at him in shock.

     Janus stared intently at Virgil. “Roman will not bother you. You have my word that you can tell your lovers without retaliation from him.”

     Virgil watched Janus blankly for a moment as he absently picked up the black pouch he set on the desk earlier. He opened his mouth, nearly speechless as he spurted out the only word that came to mind.

    “Why?”

    Janus glanced up at him, raising an eyebrow at him. “I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.”

    “Why are you being so nice to me?”

    A guarded expression stretched across Janus' face as tumbled the bag in his hands. The light sounds of stones tapping each other filled the silence as Janus stared at the ground. “I know what it's like to be a stranger here, Virgil. The other have known each other for years, and if I hadn't had Roman on my side, I don't think I would have ever gotten comfortable. You deserve that chance as we.” Janus paused with a subtle smirk. “Besides, I rarely meet people with as shit luck as myself, so I’m feeling the need to be generous.”

    Virgil couldn't help to small smile that curled on his lip as he stared at the ground. “Well, I appreciate the buffer. If it keeps him from killing me for a few more weeks, I suppose it's worth it.”

    “You might also begin considering you may live longer than the next few weeks.” Janus remarked dryly. “It would probably do your heart some good to start believing you’re safe.”

    “I'll consider it,” Virgil smirked, eyeing the pouch in Janus’ hand. “if we move this process along.”

     “Very well." Janus pulled his pelt off his shoulders, smiling as Virgil eyed the bag suspiciously. “Relax. It doesn't bite. Only I do that.”

    Virgil glared at him as Janus playfully bared his sharp teeth at him. “Forgive me for not being a fan of the idea of spilling even more of my secrets to someone I barely know.”

    “Oh, don't worry. The time for my questions is over.” Janus smiled coyly. “Now, it's time to see what the universe has planned for you."

    Virgil tapped his fingers, anxiously tracking Janus' movements in the corner of his eyes as the selkie pulled his bright, white pelt off his shoulders. “What if I'm not interested in what the universe has to say?”

    “Even if you aren’t, I am.” Janus stated dryly. “If something is coming our way, at least one of us should be on the lookout. So, I'm going to ask you to pull the stones anyway.”

    “Fine.” Virgil snarled, watching Janus carefully.

     “Are you ready?”

     “As ready as I'll ever be.” Virgil tensely turned forward.

    Virgil listened carefully as Janus stepped forward behind him. The familiar feel of the soft fur being placed on his shoulders sent shivers down his body. A strange tingling trickled down his shoulder as his energy seemed to drain from his body. He felt his eyes begin to close as his body relaxed.

    “Wait—” Virgil mumbled tiredly, barely managing to lift his hand in protest. Janus hushed him and he felt a hand rest on his own, stopping his mild resistance.

    “You’re safe with me, Virgil.”

    Janus' soft whisper faded, one last sound as his vision darkened.

-

    “Alright, my new friend.” Janus whispered, watching Virgil sway as his eyes glazed over. “Let's see what the universe has to say about you.”

    Janus dropped the small black pouch on the desk in front of Virgil and stepped back, crossing his arms. “Virgil, please reach into the bag and pull the stones that speak to you out of the bag. Spread them out on the desk however you see fit.”

    The disoriented man slowly reached out and dipped his hand into the pouch. Janus absently looked away, staring into the gaslight as he waited for Virgil to stop moving.

    A sharp crack sent Janus' head spinning back to Virgil. Janus rushed back to him, frantically looking for injuries. He could see no apparent injury as he swayed back and forth, stones spread on the desk in front of him. Curiously, he turned down to view the spread as waves of energy radiated off then sending shudders down his body.

    Spread out on the table were four jet-black stones. Symbols etched in gold on each piece glimmered in the firelight as it flickered chaotically in the gas lamp. His mouth hung open as he found himself staring at the final stone.

    “Virgil, what happened?”

    The small piece of obsidian was cracked down the center, splitting the gilded symbol down its center.

    “The Elder Futhark has spoken,” Janus whispered, tipping his head in reverence to the stones before returning his gaze nervously to Virgil sitting mesmerized in his chair.

    A soft, purple haze shifted slowly around the man's body. The gently moving aura was beautiful, but the dark streaks of black radiating from the man's chest unsettled Janus, stark indicators of the battle raging in the man's heart. He glanced down, running a finger along the edge of the broken stone.

    “Wunjo, the rune of kinship.” Janus ran his finger over the broken symbol. “You’ve lost someone—or given the situation, perhaps you believe by staying here, you’re giving them up.”

   Janus tilted his head up as Virgil groaned. An uncomfortable expression crossed the man's face as he began to shift, resisting the pelt. Janus patiently rested his hand on Virgil’s, whispering quietly. “Relax, my friend. I am not going to pry any further, but I am—I am sorry for your loss.”

    Virgil seemed to relax, dipping his head to his chest. Janus’ heart clenched at the sight of wet streaks tracing down Virgil’s face. He gently rubbed his thumb along Virgil’s wrist as he turned back to the stones. “Let's finish this quickly, Virgil. I don't think it's best to leave you in this headspace for too long.”

    He turned his eyes to the stones. The first stone in the series caught his eye. “The Dagaz, the rune of awakening.” Janus sighed, staring at the black streaks radiating from Virgil’s chest. “Light and dark struggle for balance within you. You are on the precipice of great change, but only if you choose to let the darkness go. If, not, the guilt you’re feeling may well eat you alive."

    Virgil winced, subconsciously recoiling as the black streaks swirled menacingly around his heart. Janus squeezed his hand, smiling at Virgil “It won't be easy, but we'll help you quiet the storm inside your heart.”

     “The Dagaz is paired with the Uruz, the rune of survival and endurance.” Janus stared intently at the rune’s stark shape as he ran his fingers over the engraving. “There’s no surprise that Uruz appeared. Surviving is all you've been able to do for the past few weeks.”

    “And finally, the Nauthiz,” Janus stared absently at the final rune. The room darkened for a moment as a breeze drifted through the room, nearly blowing out the gas lamp in front of them. “The rune of friction.” He sighed, heart aching as he stared at the dark circles   around Virgil’s eyes as his arms hung wearily at his sides. “This conflict isn't over. Your past is going to find you one last time."

    A soft squeeze of Virgil’s hand sent shivers down his body. He looked up to see Virgil’s eyes cracked open. Fear flickered in his eyes as he leaned forward. Janus gasped as Virgil collapsed forward. He lunged forward, catching Virgil’s chest with his hand.

    “Breathe, Virgil. I've got you."

    He quickly slipped an arm under Virgil’s legs and behind his neck. Janus lifted his light frame out of the chair, carrying him to the bed.

     “You do not need to fear, Virgil. We’re going to help you survive whatever is coming.” Janus whispered, setting Virgil on the bed next to him. “I'm going to save you some stress and let you forget this, Virgil. Please, let me bear this for you.”

    A choked sound escaped Virgil as he leaned into Janus' shoulder, hands tightening on Janus’ shirt. Janus arms curled around him and his eyes glowed a fierce amber as he hovered protectively over Virgil.

    “You are safe here.” Janus whispered, a deep magic flowing through his body. “If you trust me, leave these memories with me so you may continue to heal unhindered.”

    A sharp gasp escaped him as Virgil relaxed in his arms. “Thank you for your confidence, Virgil. I'm going to take back my pelt now, and waking may be rough, but I'm here. I’m not going anywhere.”

    Janus clutched him protectively as he  pulled the pelt from Virgil’s shoulders, heart aching as Virgil grasped at his shirt.

    “I'm so sorry, Virgil.”

-

    I'm drowning.

    Virgil gasped for air, clutching absently at the space around him as he struggled, unable to move. Through his fighting, he could feel air slowly filling his lungs as he squirmed uncomfortably, pulling at the soft fabric in his hands. Slowly, the fear abated as he was able to draw a long breath and started to become aware of his surroundings. He sucked in a sharp breath, looking up.

    “Janus?”

    The grip around his shoulders loosed as Janus looked down at him with a soft smile. His gilded scar glimmered beautifully as Virgil found himself staring.

     “Virg—”

     Loud footsteps from the corridor abruptly stopped Janus’ statement in his tracks. They both turned their heads up at the sound of metal creaking to see Remus burst through the door with Logan shortly on his heels. They rushed forward anxiously and their anxious expressions seemed to settle as Virgil looked up at them from where he was curled in Janus' arms. Remus relaxed slightly, locking eyes with Janus.

    “Jannie, what happened?”

    A shadow of movement at the door caught Virgil’s eye as Roman stepped through the doorway with a sleeping Patton hanging off his shoulder. Roman’s eyes flitted carefully over Janus before turning to stare at Virgil. Feeling the burn of Roman’s eyes, Virgil instinctively pulled back from Janus’ shoulder, swaying as he sat upright.

    “The—” Janus looked down as Virgil pulled away from him before tracing his gaze to Roman. Virgil watched Roman’s expression soften as Janus turned to him and a gentle smile spread across his face. Janus paused, hesitating before turning up to Remus to continue. “The reading hit a nerve and waking was a bit uncomfortable for our new friend.”

    “I-I’m fine.” Virgil frowned as his voice cracked. He straightened upright, trying to force his breathing to slow as he tried to force the attention off of himself.

    “Love, you've been crying.”

    Virgil turned to Logan's concerned expression. He flushed red as he reached a hand to his face, feeling wetness on his  cheeks. He dipped his head, muttering to Janus as he wiped the tears from his face. “It’s nothing. I told you the universe never has anything good in store for me.”

    “Well, perhaps never is rather strong assertion, my dear.”

    Virgil tilted his head up to see Remus and Logan watching him sheepishly for a response. Adrenaline jolted through his body as he realized what Logan was implying. “That’s not—No! I’m sorry. You guys are good—so good—”

     Remus raised and eyebrow at him with a devious smirk. “Do you hear that, Lolo?”

     Virgil turned to Remus as he stumbled over his words. His mustache twitched playfully as he stepped toward Virgil.

     “We’re good."

     Virgil shivered as he traced Remus' gaze to over to Logan. Logan blinked for a moment before straightening slowly, flashing a sultry grin at Virgil. “Oh, Re. That is simply unacceptable.”

     “I know, right?” Virgil tensed with anticipation as Remus abruptly stepped forward, wiggling his eyebrows. “We're a god damn delight.”

    “Wait, I didn’t—” Virgil held his hands up in surrender as Remus seductively punctuated his words with steps toward him, barely containing his giggling as he crept forward.

    “We're an absolute treat, Re.” Logan smiled coyly as he stalked toward Virgil, his piercing eyes locked onto him. “I think perhaps Virgil needs a reminder of how lucky he is to have both of us.”

    “—and I'm out.”

    Casting nervous glances at his soulmates as they closed in on him, Virgil reached a hand out as Janus casually pushed himself up off the bed. “Wait, Jan—”

    Virgil’s plea was abruptly cut short as Remus’s shoulder connected with his back and his face unceremoniously landed on the soft blanket in front of him. His grunt was muffled as Remus wrapped his hands around his waist. Remus let Virgil roll to his side as he curled around Virgil’s back. Virgil grimaced, letting his hair fall over his hair as he tried to hide his smile. The gentle pressure of Remus' chest pressed against his back was comforting and his breath caught in his throat.

     Remus pulled him closer tipping Virgil back until he was almost laying on top of Remus. His gentle breaths on his neck sent pleasant shudders down Virgil’s body. A soft gasp escaped him as Remus cradled his chin into the nook of his shoulder.

    Fuck.

    Virgil closed his eyes, flushing with embarrassment at his reaction. He groaned, muttering into the blankets as Remus squeezed him. “What are you trying to prove?”

     “Oh, gloomy boy.” Remus purred into his ear, giggling as Virgil sucked in a sharp breath as Remus breathed on his neck. Virgil nodded stiffly could almost hear Remus smile as he whispered in his ear. “I'm just the distraction."

     Fingertips brushed his cheek and Virgil jolted, his eyes shooting open. Virgil’s heart pounded in his chest as he stared into Logan’s eyes, inches from Virgil’s face. Logan paused, resting his hand on Virgil’s cheek. He waited for Virgil to relax before resting his knee on the edge of the bed as he leaned over Virgil.

    Fuck.

    “Lo—” Virgil whispered breathlessly closing his eyes as Logan’s lips brushed his own.

     “Oh, Lolo.” Remus giggled. “You stole his breath away.”

      Logan chuckled as Virgil shivered. He reached his hand around Virgil’s next “Tell me, love. Do you still feel unlucky?”

    Virgil swallowed, tasting Logan’s breath. Emotions welled in his chest at his soulmates’ efforts to distract him. He relaxed into Remus, feeling grateful for their gentle attention as he whispered. “No.”

    “Good, love.” Logan smiled, leaning back as Virgil leaned into his hand.

    “Thank you.” Virgil smiled at Logan as the man stared adoringly down at him. He sighed with relief as he relaxed into his soulmates’ touch.

     Remus giggled and Virgil smiled as Remus squeezed tightly around his waist. “If you needed for us to get you all hot and bothered, all you needed to do was ask—”

     Virgil tensed at the sound of Roman clearing his throat across the room.

    “Do remember there is a child in the room, Remus.” Janus' familiar drawl filled the air. “The last thing any of us need is to have Patton parroting your filthy mouth.”

    “Kid's knocked the fuck out—”

    “Remus—”

    Virgil tensed as Roman's growl filled the air. Logan slowly straightened upright, giving him a clear view of Roman across the chest. Remus pushed himself up allowing Virgil to sit up timidly. He shrank behind Logan as he stared at Patton curled into Roman’s chest. Janus hooked an arm around Roman' waist from behind him, resting his head on Roman’s shoulder as his chest pressed to Roman's back. Virgil could almost smile as the intimidating selkie’s expression softened as he looked over at Janus with adoration.

    “Patton’s heard worse coming from you two than me—” Remus pressed, jumping up off the bed.

     Janus rolled his eyes as Remus approached. “All of Roman and I's displays of affection in front of Patton have been perfectly tasteful.”

    “Yeah,” Remus giggled, leaning close to Janus. “If by tasteful, you mean tasting the inside of Roman's mouth—”

     Remus abruptly stopped his mocking as Patton shifted subtly in Roman’s arms. Patton’s soft murmur stopped all movement in the room as he lifted his head. Remus smiled at Roman before leaning close to brush Patton’s hair out of his face. “Hey, Pattoncake. Did you have a good nap?”

     Patton nodded tiredly as he absently reached up to grab Roman’s collar.

    Roman smiled. “Are you ready to go to bed, my little hero?”

     “No, I'm ‘kay.” Patton protested weakly, pushing his head off Roman’s chest as he looked around, blinking wearily.

     “I think it's probably best we get you—”

    Virgil looked up as Roman gasped loudly.

    “Vee!”

    Virgil couldn’t help but smirk at Roman’s shocked expression as Patton hung halfway out of his arms, squirming to get down. Roman kneeled, trying to lessen the fall as Patton slipped from his hands. Patton started to bolt forward, only making it a few steps forward before Janus' voice stopped him in his tracks.

   “Patton, that wasn't very nice.”

   Virgil watched as Patton hesitated, clearly aching to run towards him, but surprisingly he turned and hung his head. “I'm sorry, Jannie."

    “Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Roman. He's the one you scared halfway to death when you decided to jump off his chest.” Janus smirked at Roman, who rolled his eyes with a soft smile.

    “Sorry, Roro.” Patton kicked his feet at the ground impatiently before looking up at Janus. “Can I go see Vee now?”

    Janus raised an eyebrow at him.

    “Please?” Patton pleaded, fidgeting with anticipation.

     Virgil couldn’t help but shrink back as Roman looked up at him. The expression on his face was unreadable as he stared at Virgil.

    “Ask permission before you smother him, Patton. "

    Janus smiled as Patton turned, beaming as he bolted over to Virgil. Virgil smiled as Patton approached. He was excited to see the kid again, though he couldn’t seem to keep from nervously glancing up at Roman's intense stare as Patton stopped at the edge of the bed.

    “May I come up there?”

    Virgil smiled, heart warm at the obvious excitement in his eyes. “You want to sit with me?”

    Patton nodded vehemently, leaning his arms over the edge of the bed.

    Glancing up at Roman staring at him, he hesitated. He looked to Roman's gaze for permission, but his face remained unreadable. A slight frown formed on Virgil’s face as he turned back to Patton. “Listen, kiddo, maybe not this time, but—”

    “It's okay, Virgil.” Janus’ voice drew Virgil’s gaze up. He watched as Roman’s eyes slowly turn to Janus before returning to him, his face unreadable.

    “I—”

    “If you’re okay with Patton joining you on the bed, I promise you it's fine.” Janus smiled encouragingly at him and Virgil looked to Roman. The man's intense stare continued, but he nodded stiffly at Virgil.

    “Okay, kiddo.” Virgil turned to Patton with a nervous smile. “Come on up then.”

    He watched as Patton scrambled up the edge of the bed. Excitedly, he slid in next to Virgil, curling underneath his arm as he yawned. “Guess what, Vee?”

    Virgil’s skin prickled with awareness as all eyes in the room turned toward him, but he smiled watching Patton cuddle comfortably against his chest. “What?”

    “I scared all the spiders away.” Patton muttered quietly.

    Virgil smirked. “Oh yeah? How did you do that?”

    “I yelled real loud.” Patton yawned again, snuggling into Virgil’s shoulder.

    “And that worked?”

    “I was smart. I did it at their bed time so they were extra scared,” Patton mumbled, eye drooping. “I made sure to run through the whole tunnel so I got ‘em all.”

    “If you’re the spookiest thing in the room, nothing can touch you,” Virgil chuckled. “and it sounds like you've got that mastered, kiddo.”

    Patton nodded into his chest, reaching an arm across and mumbled. “I even scared Roro.”

    “Running down the halls screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night would chill anyone to the bone, Pat."

    Virgil looked up, relaxing at the soft smile on Roman's face as he crossed his arms, watching Patton drifting off on Virgil’s shoulder. He'd almost relaxed when Roman's eyes flicked to him, noticing him staring. Immediately, Virgil dropped his gaze from Roman, feeling his heart beat in his chest.

    “I think it's time we take him to bed.” Glancing down at the child snoring lightly under his arm, he nodded, feeling reluctant to let the child go so soon.

    “Good. Take him,” Remus cooed.  Virgil looked up to see Remus jostle Roman with his shoulder as he grinned wildly down at Virgil. “because we’ve got places to take our boy too.”

    Virgil looked up at Remus. “What?”

    “Well yeah,” Remus smirked at him. “Lolo and I have something planned for your first night of freedom. You didn't think we were just going to leave you in here again tonight, did you?”

    “I mean, I didn’t—” Virgil started before wincing as Roman’s deep growl interrupted him.

     “Remus—”

     “What, Ro? That was the deal, wasn’t it?” Remus instinctively stepped between him and Virgil. “He jumped through all your hoops. Is he free to go or not?”

     Roman held his ground as Remus leered at him, staring Remus down. “Me allowing him to be free to roam the island does not mean you get to ignore the rest of the rules. Where are you planning on going, Remus?”

     “We're not going to the beach, Roman.” Logan’s voice was almost timid as he interrupt. “Remus and I are not intending on taking any risks.”

     Virgil stared at him in disbelief. His demeanor was uncharacteristically solemn, almost apologetic as he looked up at Roman. Virgil watched as Roman hesitated, looking down at Logan with concern in his eyes.

     “Let them go, Roman.”

     Roman turned to Janus, staring for a moment before returning his gaze to Remus. “Promise me you’ll stay off the beaches and out of sight.”

     “I'm not an idiot—” Remus protested with a snarl.

     “Promise me now, Remus, or I'm not allowing it.”

     “Chill out.” Remus sighed dramatically, though Virgil couldn't help noticing Remus take a step backwards respectably as he conceded to Roman’s authority. “We're only going to the rocks. We will not leave the tunnels.”

     Virgil felt a chill travel up his spine as Roman continued to stare at Remus without blinking.

     “I promise, Ro.” Remus grinned reassuringly, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I'm not going to take any chances tonight.”

     “Very well. You may go.” Roman’s stern gaze softened and a smile twitched at the corner of his lips. He turned his head, barely concealing his smile with a stern look. “Virgil?”

     Virgil jumped at the sound of his name, looking up at Roman. He shivered as Roman turned to him. “Yes?”

     “You are free to explore the island.” He paused as Virgil nodded nervously. “However, I expect either Remus or Logan to accompany you—”

     Roman paused, holding up a finger as Remus and Logan began to protest. He flashed a stern look at both of them and waited until they settled uneasily before turning back to Virgil. The hair on Virgil’s arms raised as Roman's stern expression landed on him.

     “This is for your safety as much as everyone else. There are rules I expect you to follow, if you are to stay here, and Remus and Logan will be responsible for showing you the ropes. Is that agreeable?” He waited for Virgil to nod stiffly before looking to Logan and Remus. “And I will hold both of you responsible, if he breaks them under your watch. Got it?”

    Remus growled petulantly but nodded in agreement.

    “We accept your terms, Roman.” Logan nodded, compliantly, watching Virgil’s nervous demeanor as he gave Roman his affirmation.

    “Once you are on your own, you will be responsible for your own mistakes.” Roman paused as Virgil dropped his gaze to the ground and nodded. “I will not treat you differently than anyone else here, but know that these rules are in place to keep everyone here safe and I do not take transgressions of them lightly.”

    Virgil bit his lip and nodded, submissively dropping his gaze.

    “And Virgil?”

    He lift his head slowly, surprised to see an encouraging smile spread across Roman's face. Virgil blinked in disbelief, looking to Logan and Remus uncertainly before turning back to Roman.

    “Please, allow yourself to relax. I'm not your enemy.” Roman smiled as Virgil stared at him blankly. “I know we had a rough start, and I apologize. My personal biases nearly cost you your life and I intend to begin to rectify my mistake by making this transition as easy for you as I can.”

   Virgil blinked, nearly speechless with shock. “What?”

    Roman paused and started to step forward. He approached slowly, giving Virgil a chance to object as he moved towards him. Smiling gently, he leaned over the bed. Virgil watched him as he slipped his hands under Patton’s arms and lifted the child up to his shoulder. Patton’s hand grasped around Virgil’s shirt for a moment before relaxing as Remus pulled him away. Roman stilled above him for a moment as Patton murmured sleepily into his chest. Virgil found himself staring at the soft look in Roman's eyes as he waited for him to continue.

    “I only wanted to keep everyone safe. I'm sorry.” Roman paused, looking up from Patton. “You have a place here, Virgil, if you choose to stay.”

    Virgil’s eyes flicked to Janus, but the look of surprise on his face immediately ruled out the possibility of psychic intervention as a result of the spiritually sensitive selkie. He looked back to Roman’s earnest smile, blinking in disbelief that Roman had just apologized to him of his own free will.

     “T-thank you.” He managed to mutter, still blinking in shock.

    “You’re welcome. Enjoy your night, Virgil.” Roman smiled before glancing at Logan and Remus. “and stay safe. All of you.”

    Virgil stared blankly at Roman as he indicated him with the others.

    What the fuck just happened?

    He shivered and watched as Roman turned away from him, carrying Patton towards the door. Roman nodded for Janus to follow him and the scarred man smirked, rolling his eyes as Roman passed him by. The subtle gold on Janus face glimmered as he gave Virgil a quick nod before taking his cue to follow Roman, leaving Virgil alone with his soulmates.

    “Love?”

    Virgil took a deep breath, trying to abate the shock in his chest as he looked up to see Logan looking over his shoulder at him at the end of the bed. He watched as Logan held his hand out to Virgil with a cocky smirk.

    “Are you ready to see the island, dearest?”

    His eyes drifted up to the eager look in Remus' eyes as he stood by the door before turning back to Logan’s confident smile. Virgil smiled, heart light as he nodded and took Logan’s hand. An excited breath caught in his throat as he allowed himself to be pulled off the bed and dragged to the door as they stumbled out into the tunnels.

-

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[annethepancake]

Sherlock rant

I recently rewatched BBC Sherlock for Rupert Graves, and aside from the lack of Lestrade appreciation I have a lot of problems with this series. Here are my thoughts:

1. It was all a blur

My second first impression of the show: I don't remember anything but the characters. And some characters I just blatantly forgot, like Mary. And I loved Mary on my second watch! I really forgot that at one point John actually got married and I don't even remember when I watched the show for the first time. I can still recall most of HIMYM's events and I hated that series.

2. It’s overall not a detective/crime show

Watching Sherlock for the second time, I mostly turned off my brain and just let it play in the background because (1) there's hardly anything for me to solve with the characters, most clues are taken by Sherlock off-screen anyway (especially after season 2), (2) they focus way too much on the quirks of the characters that make it almost like a sitcom that got dragged on for way too long. A crime/detective show shouldn't allow me to turn off my brain.

3. The characters just kinda fall flat

Exploring the depth of human emotions is not a bad approach to a modernized version of anything, I’m not trying to pretend I’m better than someone who gets sentimental over fictional character (if you know my blog at all, you know I am not), but at least write good characters. Sherlock is hardly a multi-faceted person; in fact, he’s kinda like the Wattpad teen fic main character sometimes. He physically fights off some terrorists with a machete to save the damsel in distress? He gets high off his tits but still got everything right all the time? John is just kinda there for most of the cases. Jim is a poorly written antagonist. Irene is a lesbian but gets the hot for our main character, surprise surprise. The only interesting characters to me are the ones who act like normal people: Molly, Greg and Mary. They are the multi-faceted characters, ones who I can actually relate to without feeling inferior to them in any way. Write characters like them, stop trying to be smart about it and stop writing Wattpad fanfictions for Sir Conan Doyle’s original works.

I get that they try to make Sherlock more like a human with emotions, making him quirky and arrogant, then make him quirky and more likable. It’s hardly a convincing character development though. He’s given over-powered deduction skills, so edgy, so high and mighty all the time. When he is finally written as vulnerable, turns out he has plans for that too. I would love to see him get it wrong once and maybe get humbled by that mistake, but getting Mary shot and killed is hardly even his fault, he is only doing his job. And killing off Mary is overall a bad idea anyway.

4. They treated the fandom like shit

I was absolutely disgusted at the start of season 3 when the showrunners just straight up shat on their fans. I wasn't there with the fandom during the wait between season 2 and 3, but I believe it was a pretty long wait (2 years, I could barely wait 2 years for my comfort series, and they have like 10 episodes per season), and they were presented with the first actual mystery of the series: How did Sherlock survive the fall? After years of waiting and having fun theorizing, they were met with a mockumentary about them, starring the most hated character of the protagonist and the fans. Those are the people who actually cared about the show for god's sake. The fact that the showrunners treated fans like crap and there's still an active fandom for the show appalled me.

Now not only The Empty Hearse bugs me, but the entire show does as well.

Allow me to digress.

Doki Doki Literature Club is a great example of audience engagement done right (Sorry for using this example I’m not actually that invested in the other franchises). After the success of the first game, the story provoked so many fans into solving the mysteries of the characters, some of them went really, really far. And that’s because of the actual mysteries that the development team took effort to plant into the plot. There is actual pay-off for painstakingly following the clues; as far as I know, only two (2!) people in the world have come close to solving the mystery of the first game (or they actually did). The game developers value their fans and their intelligence enough to have planted those clues where they did, and it’s a genuine exchange between the fans and the creators. Now even though you haven’t actually played the game, when you hear of the name and you’re only kinda familiar with gaming (like me), you’ll probably know what it is. What started as a mere open-source game by an indie developer became a sensation which left millions of fans begging for more.

Looking back at Sherlock, there are tons of logical flaws for a self-proclaimed crime series, virtually no clues for the audience to solve crimes along with their favorite detective, and when there was actually a mystery (Sherlock jumped off the building), they plainly showed him alive and well minutes later. Do we really need to see things spelled on screen to know what’s going on? Are we supposed to accept that Sherlock Holmes is an all-knowing future-predicting genius now too? Not a great sign of respecting the audience there.

So far, the only thing left that’s interesting about this series is the characters’ dynamic. Which brings me to the next criticism I have for the show.

5. The plague that infested mainstream media

Why is there still an active fandom? Queerbaiting and targeted marketing.

Community marketing is proven to be one of the best marketing methods there is, if not the best, to lengthen the lifespan of a product or service. The way they do that for shows and films and video games is usually by planting seeds of possible lores and history inside the content. Look at Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, they are franchises that ran for multiple years with a ton of history and world building that provokes fans’ imagination.

Sherlock - well, Sherlock has sexually ambiguous men.

Sherlock has a formula for success. It was an adaptation of the most iconic detective novel in the world, funded by one of the biggest TV networks in the UK and possibly the world (don’t quote me on this). Making this series means you can appeal to such a wide group of audience even before airing. Adding in the quirky smart men who live together, you’ve basically guaranteed a prime-time show with millions of loyal fans all over the world.

Fans are not stupid, and queer people don't just find queerness everywhere they go. They know a gay subtext when they see one. Sherlock came back from the literal death for John, pretty gay if you ask me.

This show is very much not just about some guys being dudes solving crimes, they have relationship that’s deeper than friendship, and definitely not platonic. They deliberately wrote a sexually ambiguous Sherlock Holmes from the get-go - literally from the very first episode, then capitalized off of the targeted demographic, never a pay-off for their anticipation. Martin Freeman said in interviews that he could recognize Sherlock fans, them being generally women from 16 - 25. No shit Sherlock, this show targets them and capitalizes off of them, being quirky and gay as hell, of course the fanbase is generally 16 - 25 and female.

Sherlock queerbaited the fandom for years for the sake of marketing and there’s never a pay-off, nor was there any recognition to the community, and to add to all that bigotry, queercoding pretty much all of the villains? Why was a show aired in the 2010′s allowed to do this? Why did Mark Gatiss, an openly gay man, a writer of the show, allow this to happen? Why are millions of fans all over the world allowing all this to go on?!

6. Conclusion

Now I haven’t read the books yet, so I’m not at all qualified to criticize the adaptation quality of the TV series; I’m just talking about the TV series on its own. Despite my criticism, I think the first two seasons did quite okay. There are quite a few nice cases there, I like The Blind Banker and The Hound of Baskerville. They did those well because the focus was on the cases themselves, and the connection between John and Sherlock was only in the background. I, like many other fans, like to figure things out on my own, to read between the lines, and to not have things spelled out for me. With the next seasons bombarded with Sherlock and John bonding it seriously felt like mere fan service for me and even though I wasn’t there when the show was on, I still felt like I was robbed and my interest in the show was abused.

Sherlock is undoubtedly super influential in pop culture even now. It has to have done something right to be in that spot (capitalizing off loyal fans?). I’m not writing this rant to change someone’s mind about the series, by all means, I’m still gonna love the hell out of Gavin Lestrade, and absolutely lose my mind over Mary Watson. So do take my words with a grain of salt, I’m just disappointed that one of the most influential shows there is is just short of my expectations.

[bxttenbound-archive]

Anonymous asked: No! You are absolutely wrong! Your feelings of representation isn't an excuse to bully others you don't agree with! Vaggie's character is Cannonly a Lesbian and someone role player her differently doesn't change her actual character. You have no rights or grounds to force your orientation beliefs on other people! That's wrong! And bigotry! So no you are not allowed to be uncomfortable. You can not follow those people to begin with! Putting yourself in a position to be uncomfortable and then crying about it is utter Stupidity. I am all for freedom of speech. But your freedom ends where it impedes on the rights of others! Enough of censorship! Enough of fandom policing and ENOUGH OF CRYBABIES WHO CANT KEEP THEIR NOSES IN THEIR OWN BOOKS! A revolution is coming and your ASSHOLES are going to have your High Horse Ivory Towers brought down on your heads!

There it is.

I have fun breakings these down so let’s go.

And let’s start this with one question

When is it okay to erase minority characters for the benefit of the fandom

Why can’t LESBIANS be upset that characters that are LESBIAN are being changed SIMPLY because it fits the “comfortability” of the RPer and rp them in Heterosexual instances despite it being NOTHING like how they are in canon?

The fact Lesbians especially have gone through so much discrimination ( as have gay men) over so many years only for people get rid of it because it doesn’t fit their selfish needs.

We have had enough of people who are in the LGBT spectrum being destroyed just to fit horny people’s fixation. If you want to RP a bi character, go find a bisexual character. Or better yet, use the Beta version of Vaggie WHO HAS A DISTINT DIFFERENT DESIGN, and is actually bisexual.

Also, why am I not allowed to make people uncomfortable but everyone else can make me uncomfortable? Why can the majority belittle and mistreat the minorities who are trying to speak for themselves?

The fact that I only ever see this problem in Hazbin Hotel bothers me so much. It bothers me that the ONE LESBIAN CHARACTER is CONSTNATLY mistreated in her sexuality. Yet people like Angel Dust rarely have their sexuality changed. Is it because it doesn’t fit the narrative the fandom wants? Because people want to fuck Alastor so much they don’t care who does it? That’s disgusting. You’re inadvertently agreeing with “ You just need to find the right man” mentality.

Because lesbians, like myself, are tired of “you just need to find the right man” or “if you find the right man you’ll change your mind” as if our sexuality is not taken seriously. That our sexuality is something simply to please men. It’s disgusting and sexist. And frankly, a lot of people seem to portray Vaggie’s sexuality as such and it makes me want to puke. That “Alastor can change her because he’s just that good at sex” or whatever which is a whole other can of worms.

I have EVERY right to be upset about this just as any minority person can be when their character is constantly disregarded and the part that makes them relatable to them is thrown away.

But I have never once attacked a Vaggie RPer. I have disagreed with them in silence, I have stayed away from portrayals I don’t like, I am doing my best to stay away from it but I can’t do that when others shove it into my face, now can I? I’m not the one who goes out of my way to see this, I blacklist any vaggiexalastor tags, i do my best but it still bothers me regardless because It makes me, personally, feel like my sexuality is a joke. That my sexuality is something that is so meaningless that someone can disregard it because they want to yet when it’s a Man they treat it with the upmost respect. At least in this fandom and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the double standard.

It’s not bigorty when I am advocating for people to not erase a minority.

If anything it’s bigoted of people who change her sexuality so much because it belittles the sexuality as a whole.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

((Here, have my angry rant on biphobia within the queer community. This rant could, with little tweaks, be about the discrimination and ignorance of almost any other kind of multisexuality as well. But I struggled to come up with a umbrella term for that while I was writing this, and a shared name for the phobia of them all. So I simplified things. Also, we keep hearing the term 'biphobia' but I feel like many people don't recognize it when it happens, so I thought I'd focus on that.))

Anyway.

I once shared - to a gay guy - my upset about the fact that gay people use bisexuality as a stepping stone on their way out of the closet. He acted all understanding, told me that it sucks that people do that... And TWO DAYS later wanted to share exciting news! He'd told his dad that he's bi! He told me that he'd lied to his dad, and he knows he's not actually bi, but he'd figured he could test the waters that way!

I was stunned. I'd just told him in freaking detail that this is harmful to the bi community because nobody believes that bisexuality is real when eventually every 'bi' person just says they were lying and are actually 100% gay. So I wished that people who KNOW they aren't bi would stop telling people they're bi.

But there we were. He'd just happily shat on me and my people and then expected freaking congratulations for coming out. I acted calm. Told myself it's great that he came out - well sorta came out. Said my congrats. Honestly, what I really wanted to do was tell him to FUCK OFF. That freaking audacity to listen to my grief about how people treat the bi community and think 'hey, I think I'll fuck them over this way too, what a great idea!".

Gay people keep telling us that they want bi people to stop hiding, to be your allies? Then be ours in return! Dicks.

Btw, if you're very gay and gay only, and you're reading this, wish to come out somehow, think that dude's idea was a great one... It isn't the soft landing you think it is.

You'll likely have to come out twice to the same people, first as bi, then as gay. Btw, have fun regaining their trust after admitting to lying, they'll either think you can't be trusted or that you're mentally unstable because your understanding of sexual identity keeps changing - and most likely your family will cling onto the hope that the first announcement - you're bi - was the true one so have fun trying to introduce your same-sex partners to your family. They may just ignore your same-sex partner and keep trying to set you up with that "nice person" to get you into that nice 'straight' relationship because you have that potential, right? You're almost straight, right? They just need to find that right person for you and the problem is solved!

And no. You won't avoid religious rants by saying you're "only" bi, not fully gay. You will still run into people who are disgusted by thoughts of your sex life. People won't leave you be because you're only 'semi-gay'. No, they will still push heterosexuality on you. They will still ramble on about hell fire and your precious soul that needs saving asap.

So bisexuality isn't the stress-free joyride people think it is, most often you just get the traditional same-sex-relationship-phobia alongside with hatred from the gay community.

What hatred from the gay community? Nobody is biphobic, bisexuals have a letter and all! Right?

No. Let me just share some wonderfully ignorant (misquoted) biphobic insights from within the queer community that we keep running into!

1. "Bisexuals are just faking that identity to hide their true pure gayness. Bisexuality doesn't exist. They're still in the closet. They're all just gay like us! I'm gay, and I also pretended to like a different gender for a while! These "bisexuals" will come out FOR REAL any day now. So you're saying you're bi? It's a phase!

No it's NOT a dick move to say that to a bisexual person - it's concern for their mental health because friends look out for each other and it's healthier to REALLY come out. You'll feel so much better - just admit you're not bi already! You're not ready yet? It's okay! Once you get some experience under your belt and really taste that rainbow you can't go back. You'll soon be strictly into dick or pussy like I am. Haha haha!

Sure, it sucks when straight people try to invalidate us gay people by saying that our homosexual identity is a phase... but why would I, a gay person, remember that hurt when there's a chance to pass along the rotten unvalidation apple to someone else! After all, what's greater than to maximize that experience of doubt and disrespect! Let's make sure that this brainless hounding never stops - Some people will try to invalidate your sexuality because they're trying to save your soul and others will try to turn you gay because you need to be gay to really fit in the community, to really support the community, to hate any hint of the heteronormative lifestyle with us. Abracadabra be straight in the name of a god/ abracadabra be gay so that you'll never abandon the queer rights movement! Yeah sounds like a plan, we should just attack whenever the religious nutters wander away to really bombard this bisexual motherfucker with invalidation so that they can never have a moment of peace anywhere. The queer community isn't their safe place, let's remind them of that.

2. "Maybe they aren't bi... Maybe they're straight! Watch out! Bisexuals are just using you for easy sex!! Using you to experiment. Using you to look cool because everyone knows bisexuality is TreNdY. Using you to turn on someone they're actually into. Using you because it makes them feel good to be wanted when they feel nothing for you. Using you for your company until they abandon you and settle in that straight marriage. Using you because they want to avoid an ex and acting 'bi' will make that ex lose interest. U s i n g... y o u.... Can't think of a reason why right now - but there must be a hidden one, everyone knows those flighty bisexuals can't be trusted!"

3. (Basically these" well-meaning" fuckers never mind their business. When a bi/pansexual is in a same-sex relationship people keep trying to warn the same-sex partner that the person they're dating is actually straight and in a same-sex relationship simply for attention, convenient sex, or to experiment, and will eventually leave them for that heterosexual lifestyle.

When a bi person is in a different-sex-relationship people keep telling their partner that the person they're dating is actually gay and using them as a beard/the person they're dating is gay and they're just using their partner for their reproductive organs since they want to be a parent and it'a easier to have kids this way.)

4. Bisexuals CRAVE sex. They're insatiable. They cheat. They're addicted to sex. They're unable to be monogamous. They must have a female partner and male partner to thrive, this is a need they ALL have. They're ALL polyamorous."

5. "Okay, maybe they're not all polyamorous... But they're clearly unable to love or stay interested long-term! Even if they're monogamous they will just randomly get bored of the same genitalia and will break up with you to have fun with a different set."

6. They will INSULT you by really being bi!!!! They will tell you that they're bi, date you, and when the relationship some day ends... They ACTUALLY turn out to be bi by starting a relationship with someone of a different sex!!! How offensive!!! THIS IS AN ATTACK ON YOU AND YOUR GENDER AND YOUR COMMUNITY woop woop ring the fucking alarm! Clearly they picked their new partner just because they wanted to wave a middle finger in your direction! How dare they not be cured of bisexuality by your love/magical private parts! How dare they not consult their ex about who they get to date after the relationship ends!! How dare they abandon the discriminated minority and pick heteronormativity instead! They should always struggle like you do! How dare they undermine the superior mightyness of gay love by entering a different-sex relationship! How dare they forget about gay rights by not picking a partner that makes the gay community visible - the gay community needs their mascots! How dare they insult your gender and attractiveness by falling for someone who does not look like you! How dare they pick someone with different genitalia than you - you're a sex god and your ex should always crave for the same kind of sex they had with you! Obviously they should consider your feelings and choose a partner who doesn't hurt your tender self-esteem like that. Their new partner should actually look like your identical twin so that you know they're properly fucked up about the break-up! This is all about YOU. YOU. YOU. You get to decide who your ex gets to fall for. Their new relationships are your business because you own them even though you aren't even dating anymore. You think this logic is completely sane - but they're the asshole because they moved on from your biphobic ass."

7. They said they're bi and started dating me. This is a same-sex relationship. Obviously this means that they're fully gay now. Or... It means that you should be super paranoid that some day they will embrace their internalized homophobia and break up with you! Even if you've been out to everyone for years, attend pride every year.. Yes, clearly they're super ashamed of their sexuality."

8. "They said they were bi when they dated you, their same-sex partner. Now they're with someone of a different gender. It isn't a same-sex relationship... Which means that they're straight now! Because a dating history of being in relationships with more than one gender is somehow NOT bisexual behavior! How fucked up of them to go back in the closet and pretend to be straight!"

9. "Bisexuals must always choose a same-sex relationship. Anything else is offensive, homophobic and traitorous to the community. They must always choose the harder path. They must struggle. They can't choose a different-sex partner and avoid discrimination - that's selfish! They must suffer like we do even though they could be perfectly happy in a different-sex relationship. They must not use common sense and seek a partner with whom they can have child without needing to resort to adoption or surrogacy.

It's just homophobic to want that easier heteronormative lifestyle!!!! Nevermind that same-sex relationships are illegal in large parts of the world, nevermind that in large parts of the world people with same-sex attraction may end up dead, be executed by their own government, be attacked or end up in prison. Nevermind that in many countries same-sex adoption isn't an option, or surrogacy isn't legal. Nevermind that it likely costs fuckloads even if it's legal. Nevermind all that and everything else. They should just always struggle. It's more romantic to face hardship and date within the gay community - struggling soulmates baby! They must not set their personal needs first, they must not fall for someone who's different gender than them - they are our puppets, they exist to be mascots for the gay rights movement. Any decision to have an easier life will be seen as internalized homophobia and slacking. Fuck heteronormativity! And fuck bisexuals.

No wait - don't. Don't fuck them. Don't date them. They can't be trusted. Stay clear of them! What did you say, 'that's biphobic'? We're NOT biphobic. We HavE MaNy Bi FrIEnDs. BiSeXUaLiTy Is VaLId."

[delusion-of-negation]

top 10 (ish) ridiculous or annoying FAQs:

(click at your own discretion)

1) "kids today rely on others to do everything"

ah yes, damn those participation trophies! if it wasn't for them my hands wouldn't be fucked, and I wouldn't need people to write for me. but seriously, stop reading boomer comics, and go outside to meet some actual young people.

2) "sus that a non-american says mom"

yeah, because it's clearly the superior version, and I'm not too patriotic to concede a defeat.

3) "sweaty, the victims of abuse by catholics are real people, stop appropriating their pain just because you want to hate catholics; plus teachers abuse people just as often anyway"

so firstly, I don't hate anybody. and secondly, regarding the fact that victims really do exist, [insert "of course I know him, he's me" meme here]; although I don't often talk much about the abuse I went through or what my religious beliefs are. but, more importantly, statements like "survivors are people" can be phrased like "some people are survivors", and when you're unable to act according to the latter (like when you don't even consider that somebody might be one) then you display a failure to recognise the former - you're projecting; a survivor can't be appropriating their own pain, but you can be appropriating it to silence one. and thirdly, teachers do abuse - the problem isn't and has never been purely religion, rather that abuse is often done by somebody in a position of trust, power, and familiarity; and that the lack of a global minimum enables totally legal abuse on top of the illegal stuff. people with access and respect have more opportunity to abuse than those without, and that goes for teachers too. but, once again, you can be appropriating the pain of survivors to deflect and silence people. please remember this before you say that shit.

4) "get help/therapy"

way ahead of you - years ahead of you. but it's not magic - people who say this often act as if you'll start behaving differently overnight. not only are some things simply beyond the ability of talking therapy to completely rectify, it also takes time and has to be selective. you've got to pick your priorities, and that's definitely not whatever ship or joke you're mad at me about today. therapy is a slow, arduous process that can't guarantee results - it isn't "anti-recovery" to recognise that, it's honesty. while I've been in therapy for a long time, it is not necessarily going to change whatever you don't like about me - whether that's because it can't, because my focus now is on more important or urgent things, or because I don't want to change that.

5a) "tell your family you ship incest, see how that goes; normal people find it disgusting"

actually, some know, and they're fine with it. in fact, one prefers sibling pairings in fiction to all other dynamics because, to paraphrase, "it's a deeper level of messed up co-dependence". so unfortunately for you, my remaining family (by which I mean those not dead or cut out of my life after abuse and so forth) actually are able to distinguish between fiction and reality. plus, my reasoning for caring if they find it gross or not pertains only to recommending books and such - their opinions do not dictate my tastes.

5b) "don't sexualise/appropriate incestuous abuse" and "I bet you enjoyed being raped" and other attempts to upset me over 5a

firstly, as I've already said here, survivors can't be appropriating ourselves. in addition, you're not owed people's history or trauma - it's not okay to require people's personal information, or else you'll send anon hate and accusations of appropriation. secondly, I'm not sexualising our abuse (not just because I write horror, and so a lot of my writing is intended to be creepy, not sexy); these stories aren't about us, they're not us at all. entire dynamics/people (fictional or otherwise) aren't all going to be applicable to us or identical to us, just because they have something in common with us; they're not us and they're not accountable to us. thirdly, the fact that people send this stuff (attempting to trigger people's trauma over ships) is so much more worrying to me than somebody making our communal imaginary friends kiss. you're trying to hurt people. and finally, to the "I bet you enjoyed it" crowd (if you're at all serious): do you think you'd enjoy being in a real zombie apocalypse, alone, afraid, and really at risk of being eaten alive? a fictional scenario does not feel remotely the same as a real one. this isn't rocket science - things that look like you aren't you; fiction isn't reality; don't send anon hate. (edit: comparable "just leave me alone, I'm not hurting anyone" sentiments for yandere stuff, and anything else you decide I'm naughty for.)

6) "you'll be sent off to do manual labour once your communist revolution happens"

while I don't know why people think that I'm a communist, a dictatorial regime probably isn't going to want me to do manual labour. they're more likely to just shoot me; I'm useless and a liability. call me crazy, but something tells me that "ah yes, we shall give ze deranged cripple ze power tools" isn't the communist position.

7a) "they/them can't be singular pronouns"

yes they can, and they're used as such in both shakespeare and the bible. but you don't have to say this - I'm also okay with he/him, so you could've just used those and chilled out. also, do I look like somebody who views the rules of grammar as fully immutable and imperative?

7b) "enbies/aros/pan/etc aren't valid"

do you really think that you're going to change any hearts or minds by putting that in my ask box or under my funny maymays? chill out, it's not worth the effort - you could be planning a party (in minecraft) and having fun instead. it isn't worth my time to rant at everybody who's saying something isn't valid, updating how I'm explaining it as my opinions grow and general discourse around it evolves; I'm just who I am, somebody else is who they are - why bicker in presumptuous ways about if that's enough? it ultimately is valid, in my opinion, but that isn't an invitation to keep demanding that I debate. (edit: old posts of mine probably don't phrase things incredibly, on this or anything... I tried.)

8) "what are your politics?"

my politics are informed first and foremost by the knowledge that I'm not cut out to be some kind of leader - I don't want to be the guy who tells everyone else what to do, I just offer what seem to me like valid criticisms of how we are doing things now, and general pointers on the values and ethics that I would prefer to move towards. things like individual freedom, taking the most pacifist route where possible, trying not to give excessive power to small groups of people (governments or corporations), helping those in need even when they're not palatable, and letting me suck loads of dicks. but please refrain from decreeing me something - there's not enough information in what I said, so you'll just be filling in the blanks with assumptions. (edit: workplace democracy seems cool to me; benefits are good; fair fines and taxes; and the "sperm makes you loopy" saga: 1, 2, 3, and 4.)

9) "you're a narcissist"

no, I don't meet the diagnostic criteria. joking on the internet that you're hot doesn't make a person a narcissist. the fact that I've chosen to keep my actual self-esteem issues to myself is not proof that they don't exist - you're just not entitled to that information about me. but it's also not narcissism to really like how you look. (edit: don't throw labels around carelessly too.)

10a) "kin list?"

the fabric of the universe, a zombie, dionysus, maned wolf/arctic fox hybrid, a comedian, big gay, big rock, ambiguously partial insincerity. (edit: kin list may or may not be incomplete.)

10b) "kin isn't valid/that's just being insane"

haven't we established that I'm deranged, and that sending stuff like this on anon is simply a waste of your precious time? besides, I do not care if it's invalid or insane - it's fun, I'm happy. (edit: see 7b for my opinion on sending me yet another ask with "that's invalid" in it; I'm not in the mood to discuss the nature of validity.)

bonus: "it gets better" and "trigger list?"

as I've said before, things just don't always get better for everyone - sometimes things can't be cured or even treated, sometimes they kill you; in some cases it could get better if not for a blockade or lack of time. the world is messy. it needs to be more normalised to reassure or comfort people without relying on saying that their issue will get better or be cured. it does suck to be this ill, but it also sucks to be made out to be a lazy pessimist, just because I have the audacity to not play along. and as for the trigger list, I don't like providing people with an easily accessed list of ways to hurt my feelings or harm me - upsetting me is supposed to be challenging, and thus rewarding. if you want a cheat sheet then you're out of luck, I'm afraid.

bonus #2: "FAQ stands for frequently asked questions, it doesn't need that s at the end!"

yeah, I know, I just enjoy chaos and disarray.

bonus #3 (edit): "what are your disabilities and how exactly are they incurable and/or deadly?"

again, I don't tell the internet everything about me, especially when it poses a risk, especially not as an easily accessible list for you to refer back to whenever you feel inclined to hurt my feelings. that is understandably a sore subject. (edit: that includes physical health issues btw.)

bonus #4 (edit): "so we shouldn't be critical?"

if it wasn't clear from my answer about politics or my post in general, you can have opinions about things, and you can voice that. it's just not realistic to exist at extremes: to think that you alone should dictate what exists in fiction, or to think that people shouldn't be expressing disdain or criticism of any calibur. say how you feel about things, that's fine, but it's also fine if people find that they don't value your input. plus we're all flawed, we can all be hypocritical from time to time, we all get bitchy, and we all make mistakes, or even knowingly fuck things up. that's important to keep in mind, whether we're talking about the one being criticised or the one doing the criticising - poor choices of words, imperfect tone, or contradictory ideas are inevitably going to happen occasionally.

congrats on reaching the end! if you have, at any point, said one of these to me, you owe a hug to your nearest loved one (once it's safe).

edit: might add more links/bonus points in the future when I think of things, but it's late now. (sorry for links where prior notes in the thread have my old url, that may get a tad confusing; also, not all links are my blog or my op, since it is to illustrate points/vibes, not to self-promo.)

[laceyeb]

Because I’m determined to be excited about this season of DWTS (and I genuinely am!), I’m going to try to post much more about this season than I did last season and start sharing my opinions now! Starting with the cast thus far of course, with my excitement ranking out of 10 because I do what I want.

Jojo Siwa and Jenna - 1000/10

As soon as I heard about Jojo being with a female pro, I started manifesting Jenna with all my heart and I am sooooo excited!!!! I’m not saying that ANY female pro on this show is even remotely homophobic in any way shape or form because I do NOT believe any of them are. HOWEVER... If I had to pick one female pro who I feel like would be most “onboard,” it would be Jenna. (Or Sharna, but I’d prefer Jojo with Jenna just because Jenna is younger.) If this sentiment/how I expressed it comes off problematic, please let me know because that is absolutely not what I intended and I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. Anyways... I don’t know if I’m anxious, excited, terrified, curious, overjoyed, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps all at once. I can’t wait to see how this goes and how it is received. I’ve already had a small rant about the target demographic of this show, but I’m choosing to be optimistic. I would definitely prefer that they don’t spend the ENTIRE season talking about the ground-breakingness. First episode, yes. Very important, very groundbreaking, etc. Then I’d like this to just be normalized. I don’t want them to be treated any different than any other couple. I just want them to be like everyone else. I don’t expect them to change the entire world, but this is still very very important and I am very very excited. And anxious. (Also not my anxiety acting up when I sent my mom the rumored list so far and her response was “I’m disgusted.” She’s apparently “disgusted” by the fact that there are people on the cast she’s never heard of. As if we haven’t been doing this for 30 seasons now.)

Sunisa Lee and Sasha - 8/10

I did not pay any attention to gymnastics during the Olympics (aside from the general news I stumbled upon on the internets) because all my waking hours were focused on soccer, but she’ll obviously be great. I would not say that Sasha is my favorite pro, but they’ll likely be a great match. I need to find some interviews of her or something to get a sense of her personality. I’m excited though because I’m sure they’ll be fun to watch.

Kenya Moore and Brandon - 2.5/10

I’ve never heard of her, so I have no opinion. I do have a soft spot for Brandon though. Is she like well known? Popular? Likable? Dancingly inclined?

Amanda Kloots and Alan - 6.5/10

You know I love Alan with my whole heart, so that automatically gives them some points. I recognize her name and that’s about all I’ve got for her. In the little bit I see (I’m just using the Kristyn Burtt article for this), she seems very excited to be there. Dream come true and all that. I will always give anyone a chance if they come in with such a good attitude.

Olivia Jade and Val - 5/10

Right in the middle 5/10 for this because I just don’t know what to expect. Like are they going to edit her packages sympathetically or actually sympathetic AND convincing? Do I feel any excitement for her to be in the spotlight like this? Not really. But she might surprise me. Val can really do no wrong, though, at the risk of starting an uprising, I’ve kinda lost interest in him as a pro as of late. No real reason. Just feel like there’s other pros I care more about/am more invested in.

Matt James and Lindsay - 5.5/10

I’m very excited to have Lindsay back, so let’s start there! It feels like it’s been about 27 years since we’ve seen her, despite the fact that she posts about 4 hours of IG stories a day and I happily watch every second. I don’t know a whole lot about Matt aside from the fact that he’s a Bachelor guy. I don’t think I’m exactly thrilled about what little I’ve seen and I don’t know what he’s like personality-wise. But at least Lindsay is back and seems happy so far.

Iman Shumpert and Daniella - 2/10

I’ve never heard of this guy and could not care less about basketball, so I don’t even have a reason to get excited. I’ve got nothing against Daniella at all, we just don’t know her that well yet. Is he well-known/likable/have a likelihood of dancing skills?

Jimmie Allen and Emma - 9/10

I don’t know a great deal about him personality-wise either, but I’m already excited! I love Emma, I love a country singer on DWTS, I love getting to see someone on the show who I already know. Very excited all around! Can he dance? Who knows! But I look forward to finding out! He’s got a few great songs that I absolutely adore and I need to make a playlist! I think they are going to make a good pair and I’m glad he’s with a pro I really like (aka not Cheryl I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Brian and Sharna - 11/10

Sharna. Sharna’s man. Sharna in love. Sharna happy. What else could I possibly ask for?! I wondered if they would partner them together or not. In a non-pandemic world, maybe not. What with married pros living apart from each other for the season, they would have to too if they weren’t partnered together. Not that they deserve any special treatment. But if they don’t HAVE to be apart, why have them be apart you know? It’s going to be really entertaining to watch Sharna post about her “partner” for the next two weeks when we all know it’s him. Believe it or not, I have not followed their relationship really super close and they also don’t post an excessive amount together (which I have no problem with because people are entitled to their privacy and what not), so I’m excited to get to see so much more of them together! If Sharna’s happy, I’m happy. Can he dance do we think?!

Christine Chiu and Pasha - 1/10

Uninterested. No idea who she is and like with Daniella, I just don’t know Pasha enough to get that excited. Again: Is she likable/popular/dance-inclined? Beats me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mel C. And Gleb - 4/10

I like Gleb more than most do, but I’m not obsessed by any means. (I mean, he’s not Sharna.) Nothing against any Spice Girls, but I’m fairly neutral on the whole. She will likely be pretty good and probably fairly popular. I look forward to seeing how she does, but I’m pretty much take it or leave it with them. It’s entirely possible she could be the dark horse I fall in love with by like week 3 and then decide she’s my favorite of the season.

Melora Hardin and Artem - 10/10

I’m VERY excited. I’ve already posted about her a bit, but oh boy I’m excited! I’ve seen exactly ZERO episodes of The Office, but I know her and LOVE her from The Bold Type aka one of my most important Gay Awakenings™️. (There were several...) I love me some Artem and he will be a great match with her as well. She’s definitely going to be one of the older pros this season (though I think she’s in her 50s which is decidedly not OLD old), but I know she has Broadway experience. I would love a week 1 foxtrot to put her solidly in a 3 way tie for third place with 4 7s and then coming in week 2 with like a samba that she absolutely nails (8,7,7,8) to prove she really can do it all. (It’s possible I’ve been watching this show for too damn long.)

Mike Mizanin - 1.5/10

I will not call him “The Miz.” I do not know this man and I do not care. Put him with Cheryl and send them home week 1. Ok wait. I’ll be nice. I definitely know NOTHING about him, but maybe he’s a fun and pleasant person. We’ll see. And if he is, I might entertain the possibility of calling him “The Miz.” (Whenever they have anyone from like WWE, UFC, boxing, or anything like that, I just do not care because I don’t know anything about them. But Paige VanZant was my actual Gay Awakening™️, so I try to keep an open mind.)

[peemil]

☕evangelion 😳

y'all are killing me

the more time i spend apart from this show, the more i find myself kind of hating it shsjhl;hjsdhjso;d. i am somehow now in an even worse place mentally than i was when i first watched evangelion but even so i am NOT letting myself fall in the same traps of woobifying shinji and excusing the behaviors i shared with him and vice versa.

starting with my most general take, i don't like the rebuilds. like, at all. granted, i haven't seen 3.0 + 1.0 yet, and i will be avoiding spoilers until there is an official english translation, but i feel like the rebuilds are kind of what you get when you listen a little too hard to people who didn't get the psychological parts of eva and spent the latter half of the series wishing it would go "back" to being a regular mecha anime (which it never was in the first place). the rebuilds lack a lot of the same internal conflicts that drive the characters (especially shinji), and higher budget means the rebuilds can be more direct in their storytelling and less reliant on alternative ways of communicating ideas, which causes the rebuilds to lose some of the avant-garde present in the original series. as a result, it's jarring to see some of the attempts made at this in 3.0, and painful to watch these attempts fail, as they have no real precedent in the film series. the best way for me to explain the rebuilds is they feel like sterilized and polished, but hollow versions of the original anime series. but maybe i'm just biased, because none of the things i liked about the original are present in the films.

on to more minutiae... i've said it once and i'll say it again, asuka langley soryu is a LESBIAN and there's nothing anyone can do to make me stop reading her character in this way. the only male characters she is depicted as having any romantic feelings towards in the series just (unintentionally) so... comphet. her obsessive flirting with kaji is rooted in her need to prove her worth as an adult, i.e., to prove to others that she is something she inherently is not. plus, he's older, and he's conventionally attractive, so if she didn't have feelings for him (or at least publicly perform having feelings for him), she'd be out of her mind, right? asuka is also someone shown to pursue connections out of convenience (literally citing it as her primary reason for wanting to be friends with rei), and any intimacy she shares with shinji (i.e., their kissing scene) is done only because 1. she's bored 2. shinji is the closest person available. i find the notion that she's a tsundere hiding her real feelings for him laughable, because we've seen what asuka is like around people she genuinely likes and whom she wants to like: the hatred she shows for rei takes a different form from her hatred for shinji: whereas asuka is disgusted by shinji, she is resentful towards rei. her resentment towards rei curiously begins only after rei rejects asuka's offer of friendship, so i am inclined to believe that asuka's feelings of anger when she sees rei receives more respect than she believes she does at nerv are compounded by the fact that she wanted to like rei and have a connection with rei, but wasn't permitted to do so. we also get to see how asuka acts around the one person with whom asuka is able to form a meaningful connection with, whom she lets herself trust and open up to: hikari. asuka actually has fun with hikari and feels safe enough around her to not only seek refuge with her and her family in her time of need, but also to admit that her rage is mostly towards none other than herself. her behavior towards shinji is nothing like her behavior towards either of these characters, but it is not much different from her behavior towards kensuke and toji, two other boys in her class, so maybe... maybe she just doesn't like boys? lol. i'm aware that asuka is genuinely homophobic and awful in the episode 24 drafts, and that it was in no way, shape, or form the writers' intent to turn that into some sort of commentary on internalized homophobia. but with the canon footage that did get animated, i'm really not sure how else i'm supposed to analyze this aspect of her character.

similarly, i don't appreciate how many fans will treat headcanoning shinji as gay instead of bi is somehow "bi erasure." number one, shinji's behavior and attitudes towards the women around him is actually kind of appalling, so i wouldn't necessarily want to use his objectification of and acts of violence against their bodies as particularly strong evidence that he's genuinely attracted to women. number two, of course a show about a young man made in the late 90's is going to try to portray the people to whom he is attracted primarily as women. partially because they can't start from the get-go with him having his teenage sexual awakening with another male—for a mainstream anime, that wouldn't be profitable—and partially because this is an anime and showing women and girls in a sexual light is profitable. and given shinji's role of audience surrogate, of course he is going to be the one doing the ogling and sexualizing because he is us, and after all, it is the viewer who wants to see the anime tiddies, no? shinji's more sexual encounters with the women in his life are always either deeply awkward, uncomfortable, and even unnatural, or they completely obectify and commodify the bodies of the women in question. for this reason, i have always seen these moments as existing without genuine attraction: only either confusion (because these situations really are quite blatantly sexual) or simply a disingenuous performance of the attraction shinji thinks he should be displaying, manifesting as the same objectification of women he has seen men exhibit for all of his life—it's little more than a mimicry of the bad behavior he has grown up watching, because that's what he thinks attraction towards women is supposed to look like. conversely, his actions with kaworu, while skittish, seem to come much more organically. shinji is constantly and consistently drawn to kaworu, in addition to being willing to open up to kaworu in ways he doesn't let himself with any other person. granted, kaworu is the only person to give shinji the love he desperately needs and craves throughout the entire course of the series, but the fact that kaworu is the first person shinji genuinely acts like a kid his age with a massive crush in a way that doesn't feel blatantly scripted around, as well as the fact that shinji goes on to feel more slighted by kaworu's perceived betrayal than any mistreatment he experiences from anyone in the whole course of the series (save for his literal father)... idk. sus lol

been awhile since i've done a proper rewatch of this show so i can't speak super generally since i unfortunately don't remember too much. one thing i will say though, i LOVE how the series is very upfront about the fact that shinji's loneliness and trauma (and loneliness and trauma in general) are going to be core themes in the series from the start. people say the first 6 episodes are slow just because they don't have as much action as some of the episodes in the middle of the series, but i remember speeding through them in one sitting because i wanted to understand more about shinji and his inner workings; i was fascinated by his psychology. people famously refer to evangelion as a bait-and-switch, and maybe that's true to a degree, because i don't think anyone really saw the shift to more trippy animation coming, but the psychological themes present in the latter parts of the series are still very present in episodes 1-4. i'm also amused by people who say they're "caught off guard" by the last four or so episodes, because the major shift towards being a show primarily about psychology really begins in episode 16, when eva unit 01 is consumed by leliel and shinji has to confront the "self within his self" for the first time in the train car of his mind. i know it begins as just another angel fight but like... guys... how did you miss that... episode 16, because it really is where this shift begins, is actually my favorite episode in the entire series. that, and it was where i was first introduced to this hegelian concept of each person functioning both as an actor or operator who carries out actions, as well as an audience perceiving and observing their actions, their thoughts, and themself. which, to a degree, solidifies the notion that anything and everything technically could be considered performance. it's made my work much, much easier and my day-to-day life much, much more dramatic.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

[nouru-vi]

Headcanons for my AFK Arena gang buckle the f up

Disclaimer: I take canon lore/relationships and throw out what I don’t like thank you have a nice day

Starter pack: Estrilda, Mirael and Nemora

Nemora is sent by the Wilders to help out Ranhorn City and these three stick together going forward

Estrilda and Mirael are in idiot lesbians with each other. They constantly try to impress the other and Nemora is in the bg facepalming but she also ships them hard secretly

The gang is sent to hunt down Lucretia who is rampaging indiscriminately through the countryside and they manage to subdue and capture her. As they’re bringing her back to Ranhorn, Nemora keeps drawing info out of her through treating her kindly, and learns her story. Then they’re attacked by a large group of Maulers or sg, and Lucy demands that they unchain her if they want to live (lbr she has to be chained and not tied), adding that she also refuses to die tied up. Nemora chooses to trust her and she helps them make it out alive. Then they’re like “okay this Zaphrael dude sounds like a complete dick and we’ll help you confront him when we find him and also you can stay with us, we won’t bring you to Ranhorn to be imprisoned/executed. No more rampaging tho” and that’s how Lucy becomes the local goth mom

Silvina is sent to assassinate Estrilda, to finish off the job of destroying the Raynes, but when she sees her, memories come back to her from before her death, when she saw the young Estrilda as the girl she never got to be. She is like “fuck this I’m not doing this” and realises it’s time to stand up to Vedan’s exploitation of her and Isabella, if not for her own sake but her sister’s. She confronts Estrilda and pleads her to help remove Isabella from Vedan’s clutches. Her and the team go to do that and Isabella doesn’t really understand at first but when Vedan hurts Silvina she’s like “Back off. I made you what you are, don’t think I can’t unmake you just the same.” Now outclassed, Vedan is forced to let them go, and the sisters join the gang. Lucretia is immediately like “I’m your mom now”

Bonus: months later Vedan shows up to be like “Please forgive me. I never knew what I had until I lost it, I treated you two like crap even though you were the closest thing to family I had! Pls come back to me T_T” and although they don’t do that they agree to let him visit sometimes, so he becomes their weird weekend dad. Lucy watches him like a hawk every single time but he tries his best (I added this HC as an afterthought because the official comics with Vedan and the girls are just too fucking funny to be non-canon)

Wu Kong helps out the team on and off and Lucy hates him because he’s a FILTHY CELESTIAL while he’s just like, lady im am just leetl monky. I’m new to being a Celestial actually and don’t even know this Zaphirel or whatshisface. I’m just here to punch bad guys and have a good time. But he also annoys her for fun because he’s just like that

Lyca joins the team as a somewhat more competent co-leader to Mirael. To Nemora’s relief, because she’s the only other person so far who is not a mess or dumb or both. Silvina develops a mega gay crush on her because she’s the bouncy nerd prep to her emo jock goth. It probably takes a very long time for this to come to the surface because she is a Disgusting Graveborn and Lyca is a Beautiful and Ethereal Wilder, according to Silvina, that is. Her concerns turn out to be baseless, of course, and then they’re cute and gay, The End

Solise joins to swell the ranks of people who are both dumb and a mess. She’s powerful though and a great alchemist, and adorable and everyone else is sapphic so go figure

Flora also shows up often to help the group and Lucy is like HISS GRRR CELESTIAL HRRR GRRR at her too, while she’s just like, lady. It’s gonna be alright. You will find justice one day. Calm down. Here’s a flower bigger than your head. Have a nice day :) ~flies off on her gay little flower broom into the sunset gayly~

Certain groups catch wind of Lucretia travelling with the group and as a result, Cecilia is sent after them. Since Lucy is family by this point, they’re forced to fight and subdue Cecilia. She gets injured and they’re unwilling to leave her to her fate, so they bring her along as she recovers. For a long time, she keeps going on about heretics cavorting with Hypogean filth and whatnot, but what’s this? Lucy is around, and although Cecilia can’t see her, her voice is inexplicably pleasant to hear, and she’s just so nice to those two girls! But surely that is the insidious deception of a treacherous Hypogean, seeking to corrupt every innocent soul, right? Surely she is not a loving mother, nor a valiant woman who will do anything for the sake of justice? Right??? (yeah spoiler they end up in gays and the sisters now have two mothers and a dad. They deserve all the parents)

One day the gang stumbles upon Torne and they collectively adopt them immediately. They’re big and smad and in need of hugs and therapy so the group is happy to provide.

Nara joins from time to time, apparently because she just enjoys carnage, regardless of the target. She’s a gross and unhinged gremlin who’s somehow still hot, and her idea of humour is “bet I can kick a dead baby further than any of you”, but she’s pretty upbeat and more or less tolerated by the others. Things become awkward when the group finds out she used to be a crime boss and would-be slaver in life. She says something like “well, am I not allowed to make a new start?”, but she does have the decency to look embarrassed at least. Someone says “maybe she just wanted friends for once” and Nara throws them the most maybe so look of the century

There are some other heroes that I have yet to figure out how to work into the group dynamics and story, like Grezhul for example, as he’s one of my most used heroes now, or Oden, who has also become one of my faves. I do know Oden absolutely makes dad jokes, for a start.

That’s it so far, notice how all of these are wholesome and mostly gay? Yea that is how I roll. The AFK heroes have suffered enough in canon, only positive vibes around here and also I’m queer as shit bye

[anna-lupin-black]

I know I don’t write/post Smut on this account, especially not one that doesn’t involve Harry Potter characters, but whilst watching 13 Reasons Why; my love for Tony Padilla has corrupted me

A Rare Exception - Tony Padilla X Female Reader

Tony’s best friend finds herself falling for him. Little does she know his one exception for loving women just so happens to be her.

Written for a friend

Warning: SMUT, F/M Smut, Dom/Sub undertones

A/N: I do not ever agree with LGBT Erasure, but I do also acknowledge that Sexuality is a Spectrum; and there are Gay Men who do fall in love with women, it doesn’t make them any less gay, just as there are straight people who can fall in love with someone of the same gender as them, it doesn’t make them any less straight. This was a request I was given and will not read any hate on the subject. Constructive criticism is always welcome as long is it’s meant with the best intentions.

“[Y/N], get in the car.”

I turn around from talking to my best friend Alex; a boy with blonde hair who’s dark roots are already showing after having bleached it merely a month beforehand. Alex is thin, with deep blue eyes and an easy enough going personality. We’ve been friends since I transfered to Liberty High last fall.

The voice came from my friend, Tony. If I were to say I didn’t find him attractive, I’d be a bigger liar than anyone in this school; and if you know anything about the students in Liberty High, you’d know that was saying something. Tony has beautiful olive toned skin, carmel brown eyes, stylishly messy brown hair, a body of a machanic; because he is one, and tattoos that make him even more interesting than he already is. His eyes show a maturity well beyond our years, and his calm and level head is always welcome in our hot headed friend group.

The downside, he’s gay... and I’m a chick. So, definitely not his type at all.

“Tony, I’m supposed to go to the gym with Alex and Zach tonight... I told you that earlier when you asked if I had plans today?” I’ve been having a hard time being alone with Tony now that I’ve begun developing feelings for the Latino Machanic who stole my heart with how kind and selfless he is. We used to spend hours in his garage, I’d chat while he worked on cars for his Papá.

“We weren’t go-“ I elbow Alex in the ribs and shoot him a glare that plainly states for him to shut the hell up before I make him. It seems to work perfectly as he sighs and corrects himself by adding, “Oh, right. That was today, I must have forgot, brain damage and all.”

I roll my eyes as I turn back to Tony, “Ignore him, he’s an idiot.”

“Hey,” I shoot Alex another look and he just sighs.

“Where’s Dempsey?” Tony asks, pointedly.

I know my face shows a sudden look of uncertainty as I turn back to Alex, “Yeah... wh-where is Zach?”

Alex very obviously gives me the You Owe Me eyes before explaining, “He’s meeting us there.”

Tony raises an eyebrow at us, and I think we would have gotten away with our story if Alex’s dad; a man who looks alarmingly like the man who plays Lucifer from that TV Series, Supernatural, hadn’t pulled up rolled the window down and asked, “Ready to go to your follow up with the Doctor, Kid.”

Alex shrugs an apology at me before getting in the front seat saying, “Yeah, Dad.”

“Hey, [Y/N]. Do you need a ride home, its on the way?”

“No, Sir. I’m taking [Y/N] home today.” Tony speaks up. I hadn’t noticed him getting out of his car abd jump at rhe proximity of his voice. He’s now stood right beside me.

Deputy Standall eyes me and Tony for a moment before asking, “You alright, [Y/N]?”

I glance at Tony trying to ignore the heat his body’s giving off before faking a smile for Alex’s dad and saying, “Yeah, Tony’s an old friend of mine, he helped fix my mom’s car when we first got to town. I’m good.”

“If your sure.?”

I nod, “I am, thank you though. Say hello to Mrs. standall for me.”

“Will do.”

When they drive off Tony let’s the silence drag on a minute too long before he speaks up, “So you lied to me?” I look up at him, and my stomach clenches painfully at the obvious look of hurt on his angular face.

“Tony-“

“If you don’t want to spend time with me, tell me. Don’t fucking lie about it.” His voice is laced with the anger he keeps very well under wraps most of the time.

“It’s not that, it-“

“Then what is it? Because you’ve been avoiding me. Spending a lot of time with Standall, too.” He pulls a look of disgust before adding, “Unless you’ve been lying about that.”

“No, I really have been spending a lot of time with Alex and Zach at the gym, you can ask Caleb.” I will admit, I’d hoped that bringing up Tony’s boyfriend would soften his expression even if only a little, but it seems to harden his expression even more, his eyes turning icy.

“Caleb and I broke up. You’d have known that if you hadn’t been dodging me all month. Por el amor de Dios.”

“Tony... you know I don’t speak Spanish...”

He shoots me a glare so I close my mouth. “We’re supposed to be friends. I’ve been a good friend.”

“I know... you’ve been a great friend! I just- I’m sorry. About not being around as much. About Caleb... I’m sorry for it all.”

“Great. Fantastic.” He huffs out a breath.

“I’m... free now...” I say, hesitantly.

“What, no imaginary gym sessions anymore? You aren’t going to try and tell me that you and Dempsey are still supposed to meet at the gym?”

I give him an apologetic look and repeat, “I’m sorry I lied, Tony... I really am. “

“Get in the car, we can talk after we go to the diner.”

I give him a questioning look so he shrugs and says, “Primero comemos, luego hacemos todo lo demás.”

“Still don’t speak Spanish.” I mutter as we get into his cherry red mustang.

“First we eat, then we do everything else.” Tony explains, putting his keys into his car and starting it up before shifting his stick into drive and off we go.

“Oh...” I reply, lamely.

Once we finish eating, Tony clasps his hands in front if him and leans forward slightly onto the table between us and says, “So, are you going to tell me what’s been up with you?”

I bite my lip, not really sure what to tell him.

I’ve fallen for you, but your gay so just ignore me?

I have a crush on you, but know you’d never feel the same, so it’s whatever?

Or how about; I love you, go ahead and run out of my life because I; of course, do not have a penis.

“Just talk to me, [Y/N].”

I shake my head a little, looking down at the pattern in the wood of the table between us, “I can’t...” I admit, softly. I’m not even sure he can hear me.

“Okay, I’ll talk. Do you know why I broke up with Caleb?” I glance at him briefly, seeing an almost vulnerability in his eyes before my sight is back on the very interesting wooden table. I shake my head, my throat becoming too dry to speak.

“It’s because in all my life of liking men. I’ve somehow developed feelings for a girl.”

That surprises me, and I look at him, knowing my eyes are wide as an owls. “Oh...” I respond, softly. My mind reeling.

“Do you want to know who she is?” He asks, pointedly.

I shake my head, “I’m pretty sure I’d rather not...”

“Why is that?” He asks, his tone giving nothing of what’s going on in his mind away.

I look up at him, and realize I wasn’t imagining the vulnerable look in his eyes, the only sign he is slightly uncomfortable with this conversation.

“I guess I just don’t understand why you aren’t just telling her.”

“Cabrona.” He mutters and I sigh, frustrated.

“Cabrona what? I don’t know her,” I respond, my tone much harsher than I’d intended it to be.

I can’t help but feel the green monster we all know way too well as jealousy, Tony being attracted to someone else. A girl no less. Cabrona... she sounds French. I bet she has a perfect tan; one I’d never be able to manage. She’s probably as thin as a supermodel to top it off, bet she has blue eyes and her black hair that shines like only black hair can.

He smirks, a hint of humor now appearing in those nervous eyes, “Cabrona isn’t a girl’s name. I called you a dumbass. “

I’m taken a back by that. “What? Why?” I ask, incredulously.

“Because at certain times you are as clueless as Clay.”

I go to respond, but find no response willingly coming to me. Instead I just stare at him, my mouth more open then I’d particularly like it to be. I probably looked like a dumbass at this time if I’m being honest with myself.

“Do I honestly have to spell it out for you?”

“No,” I lie, irritated. He’s treating me like he does Clay. And I do not approve of it.

“It’s you, Mujer Loca.”

“You did not just call me crazy- wait... what did you just say..?” I feel all the color in my body heating up my cheeks as I register more than the word Loca, the Spanish word for crazy; one of the only words I actually can understand.

“It’s you.” He’s looking into my eyes, and I’d assume he was confident and sure of himself as he confesses what he seems to feel the need too; but his eyes give his anxiety away, and it melts my heart.

I wish I could respond. Wish I knew how to respond. But my tongue seems to have tied itself inside of my mouth as my mid fogs over and slows the world around me down.

“It’s your turn.” He states, his calmness shattering slightly with the rush of his words.

“It’s... what..?”

“I told you my secret, now tell me why you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Oh...” is the only word I can manage.

After a minute of heavy silence, he runs his hand through his very perfect hair and says, “[Y/N], you’ve got to say something.”

“Right...” and all of a sudden, his confession catches up with me, and my heart has the audacity to soar inside of my chest, leaving my stomach to be filled with butterflies. A burst of confidence fills me for just enough time for me to be honest, “I’ve developed feelings for my gay best friend... and I never even entertained the possibility of you ever liking me back.”

A breathless smile spreads across his face, lighting his golden eyes up and actually helping him look his age. “You do?” He clarifies.

I nod, my confidence having been spent with my own confession, and now my heart is beating quick enough for me to wonder if having a mutual crush could give you a heart attack.

Tony and I are laying on my couch watching Supernatural on my television, my head is laid comfortably on his chest, listening to his heart beating steadily, my hands in his resting on the blanket covering the both of us.

“Why does Deputy Standall look like-“

“Lucifer? Thank you! I thought I’d be the only one who could see the uncanny resemblance!” I exclaim, turning to look Tony in the eyes... only as I move, I feel Tony tense under me. “Are you okay?” I ask, worriedly. “Did I hurt you? I told you I was too heavy to lay on you!”

He shakes his head, his eyes once again the only thing with any honest expression. Only, I can’t quite read them this time, he has a look in his eyes that have darkened and lightened at the exact same time, leaving a mesmerizing swirl within them. He merely shakes his head, obviously hiding something.

“What..?” I ask, hesitantly.

“Nothing,” he responds far too evenly.

I cock my head to the side, not giving up. “If you need me to get up, I can.” I say, moving to get up, but he pulls me back to him, and it’s this action that allows me to feel something poking my lower back as I’m brought back to lying on top of my boyfriend. “Oh...” I accidentally let out with my realization.

“Hmm?” He says, trying to sound casual, but now I know otherwise.

“Oh, nothing.” I reply, my voice turning sickly sweet as I attempt to hide my smirk. This could be fun.

I give us a few moments, before I pretend to adjust my position to find a more comfortable one, making sure to pointedly rub against his hard on, purposely humming in comfort as I do so. I feel him stiffen once again underneath me, and even feel the slight movement of my hair indicating an outtake of breath being released from him.

“You okay?” I ask, as causally as I can while hiding my smirk.

“I’m fine, yeah.” Tony responds, his voice slightly gruffer than usual, and I have to work at hiding my accomplished giggle.

“Are you sure? You sound a bit... off?” I ask, trying to continue to sound as innocent as I can.

“Just watching the show.” Is his response.

I nod, and wait a few minutes before adjusting again, making sure to wiggle against his bulge a few times as I do so. I hear a soft groan that came right from his chest and I bite my lip to hide the smirk that is becoming increasingly hard to hide.

“Maldita sea, mujer.” He mutters under his breath as he puts his hands firmly on both of my sides, effectively stilling my movements.

“Tony, Love. I can’t understand you when you aren’t speaking English.”

He let’s out what I can only describe as a frustrated sigh, “Never mind.” He grunts.

I move, forcing my face into what I hope is a convincing concerned expression as I turn to face him, again making sure to brush against his hard on. “What’s wrong, Love?”

He eyes me a moment before an undeniable look of understanding appears on his face and I realize the gig is up. “Una tomadura de pelo.” He growls out, making my insides light up in a flame of arousal. As much as I want him to believe that it annoys me when he speaks Spanish; it’s all a lie. It’s honestly one of the more sexy things about him. But I would never let him know what it does to me, I’d never have a moments peace if he knew.

“I still don’t speak Spanish.”

“I called you a tease.” He responds, a fire lighting up behind his darkening brown eyes.

“I personally prefer the term Brat.” I respond with as much confidence as I can muster. We’ve never discussed sexual preferences, and if he isn’t into anything but vanilla, I could be sorry I said anything.

“Is that right?” He asks, darkly.

I feel my confidence dwindle as I can’t read his face, instead of responding I bite my lip and merely nod.

He smirks, and I feel my heart speeding up. “Naughty girl,” I feel my arousal increase at how deep and in control his voice seems to become as though a switch had been flipped. “What should I do with you, huh?”

I feel my ego and confidence build together at how accepting he seems to be, and it’s as though a dark weight had been lifted from me. “You could always fuck me?” I suggest, smirking at him mischieviously.

“Good things come to those who wait,” he replies, a look in his eyes that makes me melt.

“But waiting isn’t fun, ...Sir.” I test out the name hesitantly, but I see him swallow and close his eyes, when he opens them his eyes have turned predetory.

“Primero comemos, luego hacemos todo lo demás.”

I whine, “But I’m not hungry for food, Tony.”

“Well I’m starving,” he responds, a knowing look in his deep eyes. “What time did you say your parents would be home?”

“Not till tomorrow..?” I respond, slowly.

“Good, let’s go to your room.”

I raise an eyebrow, “I thought you were hungry.” I chellenge.

“Oh, I am.” His words are said with conviction. I feel my cheeks heat up as I stand up and lead him up the stairs of my home to my bedroom.

He moves inside, and I’m a little nervous as his eyes take in my bedroom, moving over the band posters litering my walls, photographs I’ve taken from my old home, filled with the smiles of old friends, my family. Some sketches are left on my end table, and as I close my bedroom door behind us he has made his way across the wooden floor to look at the drawing I’ve been working on, as well as the sketches underneath it, the first few sketches of him that I’d given up on for numerous reasons.

He holds the one I’ve deemed worth continueing and says, “This is me.” It wasn’t a question.

I nod, looking at the sketch where I’d managed to capture his eyes and scruff almost perfectly, but am still struggling to perfect his hair correctly.

“It’s really good.”

I shake my head, laughing nervously, “No, I can’t quite get your hair right...”

He places the papers back onto my nightstand and sits on my pillowtop twin bed, bouncing a little as he does.

It’s now that I notice my nervs reflecting in his expressive eyes.

“We don’t have to do anything,” I tell him, gently.

His eyes meet mine, confusion now replacing the nervs. “Do you not want to?”

A small laugh escapes my lips, “How could I not want to?” I exclaim a little more enthusiastically than I’d planned.

“Then why..?”

I bite my lip, my own insecurities filling my head. I want to yell that I’m not a man. That I don’t have the parts he desires. That I am heavier than either of the exes I’ve seen him with. That he is way out of my league and that I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to have sex with me.

He pats my bed, “Come, talk to me.”

I move slowly towards my bed and hesitantly sit next to him, and he wraps a muscular arm around me, pulling me to him so that I can rest my head comfortably underneath his chin as he begins rubbing my back soothingly. “What’s wrong?” He asks, kindness and worry obvious in his tone.

“Can I ask you a question... without offending you?” I whisper.

“You can ask me anything,” I feel him place a soft kiss on top of my head.

“Are you sure you want to be with me?”

He pulls me away from him, making sure to look me in the eyes as he responds, “Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?”

“Because your gay...”

A small understanding smile plays across his lips, “I am. But I am also in love with this really kind girl. One who makes my heart skip a beat whenever she looks my way. One who makes me want to be the best version of myself. I have fallen completely in love with you. And that happens sometimes. And I am so honored that you love me as well. And if you want me as much as I want you, I would really enjoy the chance to make love to you.”

I feel how heavy this conversation has gotten, so I quickly try to lighten the mood, “That’s so cheesy.”

He chuckles softly, stooping to peck my lips, “Well I could have said I’d like to fuck your brains out, but I thought that’d ruin the mood.”

My stomach clenches at the huskiness of his voice, and once again his eyes swirl with a mix of darkness and light that has my mind fogging up. “I mean... I’m not apposed to option number two at all,” I tease, glad the mood is back to playfully flirtatious.

“Oh really?” He asks, moving so that I have to lean back into a laying position, as he hovers above me, one if his knees resting inbetween my thighs and the heat from his body wrapping around me.

“Maybe... or maybe you’re still hungry?”

He smirks, and leans down, his facial haur tickling my face as he kisses me deeply.

His lips move against mine quickly, and I respond enthusiastically. At a certain point his pulls my bottom lip between his teeth and bites down, causing a soft moan to leave my lips and give his tongue the chance to start a battle for dominance with my own.

I know I can’t win, and eventually I allow myself to melt into his dominance, earning a growl from his chest as me moves and starts littering kisses down my neck to my ear where he places a hot kiss right underneath it, a small whimper releasing itself from my mouth. I feel him smile against my skin right before he nips and then sucks a love mark into my skin, a moan making itself known from my lips.

He then moves his lips so I can feel his hot breath against my ear before he whispers seductively, “Not much of a tease now, Mi Amor.”

I feel my arousal increase at his words, but can’t let him win so easily. I bring my my hand down his back, move around his waist tracing his perfeft V-Line to his happy trail and then palm his impressive bulge over his jeans. I feel his hips flex and him twitch underneath my palm.

I only get the satisfaction for a moment before he bites my earlobe and as my eyes involuntarily close he grabs both my wrists in one of his hands and pulls them above my head. As I open my eyes in mild shock, I’m met with those mesmerizing eyes as he tuts at me, “I told you earlier, good things happen to those who wait.” He moves the knee between my legs so that it presses and rubs against my clothed pussy and my head falls back onto my pillows, the slight friction against my needing cunt isn’t enough, I need more. And he knows it.

“Eyes on me, Mi Amor.” I allow my eyes to flutter open as he lets my wrists free and sits up, and without breaking eye contact he unbuttons his shirt slowly, showing me the inked skin on his chest, one button at a time. I watch, breathless as he removes the shirt from his shoulders and allows me to admire his bare and muscular torso, from his prominant pecks, down to his V-Line, and then to the mouth watering happy trail that leads into to his jeans.

“May I?” He asks, gently, tugging at the end of my own top, and I nod my head; only to have him shake his, “I’m going to have to hear you say it, [Y/N].”

“Please, Tony.” I beg, softly; assuming that’s what he’s looking for.

He leans forward and gives me another mind blowing kiss, one that has me dizzy when he pulls away before repeating, “I need you to tell me that I can take off your shirt.”

I nod, “You can take my shirt off. You can take everything off.” My words sound rushed and breathy to my ears.

He smiles before his face returns to the stoic look of a man in control as he helps me sit up so he can pull my t-shirt over my head; exposing my cream colored bra underneath. I should have warn my nice black one. I would have if I were prepared for this to have happened.

“Can I?” He asks again, as one of his callased hands run along my brastrap.

“Yes.” I breathe, and he follows the string to my back, meeting his other hand at the clasp.

He starts pulling on it, but it isn’t long before I hear him mutter, “Mierda.” Under his breath.

“Can I help?” I ask, biting my lip as I take in his look of utter consintration. After a moment he sighs, and nods.

I smile and move my hands behind my back to unclasp my bra for him. He takes over gently pulling each strap down my arms individually. And once my chest is exposed to him; I hold my breath, closing my eyes. I don’t want to see his expression as the reality of my femininity is revealed to him.

“Hermosa.” It’s whispered, and like most of his Spanish vocab, I don’t understand the word; but I do hear the admiration in his voice and it allows me to relax again.

His hands softly, almost hesitantly lay themselves on my breasts. I sigh out softly. That’s when he pinches my nipples, and I can’t help the pleasured gasp from escaping my lips. And then I feel it, his mouth wrap itself around my left nipple, and suck, his tongue running over it. Another moan escapes without my permission.

He pleasures my breast with his mouth and then releases it, blowing cold air onto the wet nipple. He then switches to my right, giving it the same treatment.

Once he’s finished his intoxicating treatment of my breasts, he begins to leave a trail of kisses down my stomach, causing me to squirm underneath him, needing him to move faster, willing him to remove my jeans quicker.

“If you don’t stop moving, I’ll start over.” His growl has my breath hitching, as does the nip to my hip bone. “Do you understand?” I nod, quickly. “Use your words.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes I understand.”

He stops his decent, and I whine. “There’s still one word missing from that sentence, Mi Amor.”

My breath hitches with a new wave of arousal. “Yes I understand, Sir.” I breathe out.

“Good girl, now keep still.” I nod, and he moves his lips to the opposite hip bone, mapping out his path with wet open mouthed kisses, taking his time to occasionally nip, or suck as he sees fit.

When he reaches the middle of my stomach he stops again and I whine, “I haven’t moved.”

“I know, your being so good for me. Now, can I take your jeans off?”

“Yes, please.” I beg.

He pops the button and even takes the time to unzip my pants. He taps my hip to have me raise my ass so he can pull my pants down without resistance. I listen immediately, letting him leak the skin tight jeans down my legs and I hear him throw them down somewhere in my room. My eyes are still closed as I allow him to undress me.

He tugs on my panties, asking once more, “Can I?”

“Please, please take them off.” I beg, desperately. I need him. I need him now.

He pulls them down at such a torturous speed that I have half a mine to rip them off myself.

Finally he has me completely undressed and I hear another zipper, when I open my eyes I see him peeling his own pants off, leaving him in black Calvin Klines.

He looks up at me, his eyes showing slight uncertainty as he speaks this time, “I’ve never... with a girl. I’ll need a little, direction.”

I smile at him, trying to keep my voice even as I ask, “Well what exactly do you have planned?”

He smirks before stating, “Well I’d like to get you off before actually fucking you. Get you nice and wet for me. Maybe even make you beg for me before I give you what you really want.”

It takes me a second to compose myself again, his words causing my thoughts to swarm. “Uh... well... if you’d just, uh... fuck.” I swear, before taking a deep breath. “My clit. Please rub my clit, Sir.” I beg, finding the words I’m searching for.

He nods, and his thumb comes into contact with my bundle of nerves before he creates a teasing pattern of rubbing figure eights onto my nerves, then as I’m just getting to the edge, slowing down and rubbing nice long circles around it.

After the fourth build up I huff out a disappointed groan into my left arm that I have draped over my face.

I hear his dark chuckle, “It isn’t so nice to be teased, is it?” I bite my lip once more, understanding his games.

A loud shocked moan leaves my lips as one of his long fingers are inserted inside of me and pulled out in a slow drag, before being plunged back in. “Use your words.” He demands.

“No. No it’s not.” I gasp out, another moan ripping itself out of me as he adds another finger to the mix, this one has his cold ring on his, and I can just barely feel it with every insertion. The feeling mixed with his thumb still rubbing figure eights against my clit has me gasping in between moans.

As I feel my orgasm building this time, my thighs begin to shake. “Hold it.” He demands, his voice like honey.

I shake my head, “I can’t.” I gasp out.

“You can and you will. 5.” My body begs for release as he continues his actions. “4.” The cold brush of his ring hits my clit just briefly. “3.” His figure eights quicken slightly. “2.” The tip of his middle finger brushes against my g-spot unexpectedly and I have to bite my knuckle to keep from screaming out. Every part of my concentration is being used not to let myself fall over the edge. “Come for me, Mi Amor.” His permission sets off my release, and I feel the tingles inside of me exploding around his fingers, pulsing around him as pleasure spreads throughout my body.

He continues as I come down from my high before pulling his fingers out and wiping them on his boxers.

He looks at me, and I can see the pride that he’s trying to hide shining through as he pulls off his boxers.

I swallow as I take in the sight of his generous size in all it’s thick and veiny glory.

He moves, so he’s once again hovering over me, placing a kiss to my lips that has me wanting more.

When he pulls away, he has me meet his eyes as he says, “May I?”

I nod, “Please. Please, Tony.”

He braces his weight in his left hand as he uses his right to position himself before slowly sinking into my heat, a moan falling from my lips as he pulls back.

When he sinks in again, his pace picks up, an amazing push and pull rhythm is found, and soon I’m moving my hips to meet him thrust for thrust, his groans of pleasure right next to my ear sounds like the best form of music I’ve ever heard. My moans filling the air just as freely.

Our bodies move like one as we build to our release. He moves his right hand back down and begins rubbing my clit once again, my hands grasping onto his shoulders for dear life.

“Eso es. Al igual que esa bebe.” His words fill my mind and bring me spiraling towards my release, even without understanding them. “Mierda. Si eso es. Eso es perfecto, Mi Amor.”

“I’m so close...” I gasp out mid moan.

“Cum for me. Vamos, Mi Amor. Let go for me.”

My body releases with an overwhelming euphoria. My eyes closing tight as I pulse around him. Waves of pleasure crashing around me.

After a moment, I feel him still above me, and a deep primal groan breaks its way out of his mouth before he buries his face into the crook of my neck, nibbling at the tender skin there.

After a moment, he rolls off of me, pulling me to his chest to bathe in the afterglow.

[wetalkaboutbooks]

The Foxhole Court- Nora Sakavic

Well, here it is, my full review of the first book of All for the Game, I went in to this more or less blind, so this is what I’d like to believe a rather unbiased review. I wasn’t really sure how to start this out, so I’ve split it into sections of the things I enjoyed and the things I did not enjoy. Spoilers for the first novel below, so read at your own risk!

Things I enjoyed:

Neil. I really liked his characterization, he was easy to connect to, I felt for him and all of the pain he was put through. He’s been through so much, and I really do want the best for him. I enjoyed watching him open up more as the book went on, and seeing him admit to his desire to belong broke me. His trauma was a bit mishandled, but we’ll get to that. Other things, he’s fun to read about, this kid is wild and I adore it.

Matt, he’s baby and I love him

Same goes for Abby and Dan

I actually really liked Seth as a character, which is a less than popular opinion from what I have seen.

The first big game, that scene is incredible. The character interactions are so well done. Gorilla and his interactions with the other characters brings such a lively change to the dynamics.  Seth flipping off both his and the opposing team. Neil getting called a whore, don’t ask why it made me laugh. Matt hiding behind Andrew. Just, wow, well done.

Neil calling out Riko, yes.

Things I did not enjoy:

The writing style. I am not the first person, nor will I be the last, to point out how poorly written these books are when compared to other’s in their genre, and just in general. The dialogue is jilted, with character’s randomly dumping exposition on your head whenever they can. This also leads the the mystery being erased relatively fast, as a reader wondering who Kevin really was to Neil it was disappointing to get the answer handed to me so early on. This is a problem that lends itself to destroy a good deal of the fun in figuring things out.

Beyond the writing style, the author chooses to over describe everything. I knew how Neil opened doors and how he walked, and how he moved his fingers, before I had a clear idea of what he looked like. At times this works, note the game scenes as well as the interview, but mostly it just drags the scenes on for longer than they should.

Seth. His death left me a bit shell shocked, and it was handled well in regards to mood. In regards to anything else, not so much. I was upset, to say the least, and can’t speak all too well on how she will choose to handle the aftermath as I have not started book two. But from what I have read, his death being treated like an ironic joke by Andrew was unsettling, and Neil’s indifference had much of the same effect. The real problem was in what happened next, Neil claiming to find home after hearing the person he’d been living with died. After spending the night with Andrew.

Andrew. Where do we begin? He’s got knife arm, so that’s pretty rad. But he is an unstable character, who will need a lot of work to get to a point where Neil can logically trust him, and even a longer time for him to be reasonably redeemed. He has physically and verbally assaulted, abused, and forced drugs upon Neil. He is violent, and vicious. I don’t like him. Maybe I will, but as of right now I don’t.

Nicky. So, why is Sakavic’s only current openly gay character portrayed as being completely perverse. The amount of rape jokes made towards Neil are disgusting. Nicky forcing himself on Neil to push drugs into his mouth has made me so upset that I cannot even begin to put it into words. 

The night club scene, this was godawful. The way that Neil was treated, the way he is tossed about and forced into situations that he obviously wanted no part in, the way he is stripped of his consent, made me want to throw up. Andrew and Nicky acting like it was for the protection of the group, that this was Andrew’s way of looking out for them, is a cheap way to excuse the behavior of the characters. Neil gets himself knocked out to escape from the situation, and then hitchhikes back to the court. After, we get a poor reconciliation of sorts with Andrew, where Neil is forced once again to do something he doesn’t want to. I didn’t like this scene, I thought the removal of Neil's consent in every situation, giving him no choice but to keep moving, disrespected his trauma as a character

I think that’s one of my biggest issues with this book, the disrespect of trauma. Every single character is mishandled, every single one. Neil is forced into situations that remind him of his past, he is forced to open up, from showing his scars, to his eye colour, to talking about who he is. Seth, a recovered drug addict, overdoses and dies. Kevin and his experience on the talk show. Andrew and his drugs and his pain, the way it’s a joke and brushed off as just ‘how he is’. This is not healing, this is not growing over trauma, this is simply disrespecting the pain of others.

I just want these characters to be able to learn and heal and have the time to properly get better, and the way that things are going I have the strong feeling that i am not going to get that.

I understand that people are problematic, but this is beyond that in so many ways.

Conclusion 

The book has an evident appeal, but the topics are so poorly handled that it removes any possible potential the book could have. I feel like the characters have the capability to be well fleshed out and interesting in their flaws, but as I said, it is not well handled. I think you can still enjoy the books so long as you think critically about the issues brought up in it. Anyway, only two more to go! Overall, my rating for the first book is 3/10.

[acelezz]

My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once. 

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people. 

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me. 

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone  with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway,  it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it. 

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me. 

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic. 

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years. 

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world. 

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good. 

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me.  I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister. 

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.