#who’s people? literally one person on tiktok once like 4 months ago

[ttomuras]

people ask me why i hate bj so much. cuz it’s funny, next question.

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[halethestilinskis]

Life is not great rn

Just another text note about how my life has imploded over the past 2 weeks. Read if you would like!

Not sure if I put it in past notes, but I work at an optometrist office, with an optical shoppe attached to it, and we actually make cut and make the glasses in house at the Foxboro location, where I primarily am. I used to be a tech, where I would get all your readings before you went in to see the doctor, until we hired some more people and I ended up getting "promoted" to front desk, where I was for about 6 weeks. The new techs, that everyone loves and does a great job, I trained by the way. I got a raise about 3 months ago, I was told by every doctor that I was improving, and look more comfortable and confident in the office. Which I did. Then it all blew up in my face.

The girl training me was named Kelly, and she should never train anyone ever. The way she answers my questions, makes it sound like the dumbest question in the world, made me feel like an absolute fucking idiot every time I was at work. She would point out every LITTLE mistake I would make. For instance, they had a portion or their chart that asked if they had any other eye problems, like amblyopia (lazy eye) or if they had LASIK or something like that, and in a lot of the patients charts, it had "other" in there, when it should be "negative" because there's nothing in there. I get it, and most of the time I fixed it, but if I didn't she would point it out and get real pissy about it. Then I would go through the chart to make sure it was done before the doctor took it, and she made the same fucking mistake, but I couldn't say anything about it. ALSO, they would put their hobbies in there, and even if the hobbies were the same, but the wording was different, she would  yell at me to change it, which I thought was a waste of time.. Ya know… because it is, and again, she would make the same mistakes. She was the one reporting to my boss how I was doing, and no one else was, so every little thing I did, she would make it out to be the end of the world. For instance, I overcharged someone for their contact lens evaluation, the father, who always buys contacts through us, was a doctor and Kelly flipped out, telling me I was going to call him and tell him I messed up and see if wanted a refund, which in return cost our office money. When I could've put it as a credit, and when he came to buy contacts through us, we would take it off that order. She goes, "they're doctors" and I was like okay?? Tell me which doctor knows anything about insurance. Guess what, he wanted a refund, and it cost our office money (:

Anyway, anytime I went to work I was stressed out, walking into that building made my blood pressure rise, and any time she wasn't there, it was a great day. So on Wednesday, July 27th, I was told by the doctor that she was moving me to the Milford office, which I hate, but it's away from Kelly so I was all for it, and ready to show that I didn't need her to do my job well. Dr. M, told me she wanted to move me up there so I can take some pressure from the new girl and she can train a little bit more, and she was moving Sam down to Foxboro, because the new girl in Milford sucks and so does her attitude. I noticed I was opening, and told her I didn't have a key to the office, she happily gave me one and I was ready for the week to end. 

The next day, I was up front by myself training a new girl that is usually in pretest, but she needs to learn how to work the front as well. Everything was fine, it got a little weird and busy in the middle, but I worked through it, and everything was fine. Around 3, the contacts I had in were REALLY dry and basically about to come out of my eye just by blinking. I decided to take them out and get the glasses I kept in my car for this exact reason. These were my shitty glasses I got from Zenni when I didn't work there, so I didn't ruin my expensive lenses I got from them, again not while working there. They don't have a visible logo, and a patient never asked me about them. The only person to ask me about them, were the guys in the lab that cut the lenses for glasses, because they obviously weren't my normal pair. I told them they were shitty glasses from Zenni, and no patients were in the back while I said that. I wore them at the front for about 2 hours, again, only glasses I had on me, and Dr. D, never said anything to me about them, nor was I planning on wearing them there ever again. Friday, I had the day off, and rested and recharged for my Saturday shift on the 31st. I was excited for one, because Kelly wasn't on with me, the next day was Eric and I's 5th wedding anniversary and we had plans to stay in Boston and have a really expensive and delicious dinner, so I was ready to get the day over with and celebrate with my man. At the end of the day, I was looking through money, and remember that guy I overcharged earlier, well, the optician overcharged him again for his sons evaluation, and guess what, no one yelled at her. Anyway, she fucked up money and me and someone else were trying to figure it out, when Dr. D called me back. Now I messed up in the middle of the day, just a very small mess up and I was prepared for hi, to basically tell me to get my shit together and do better, and I would, especially if I wasn't going to be in this office anymore. Do you know how difficult and stressful it is to do your job effectively, with no mistakes, while someone is literally breathing down your neck? Anyway, he told me that they hired a lot of new people and because of that, my position became really competitive, and even though I was improving and I always take what the doctors say to heart and fix my problems, I was just not where they needed me to be, and that day was my last day.

I was COMPLETELY blindsided, like you literally gave me a key and said I was doing great 4 DAYS AGO, what changed from then to now. So, I was like, "okay" backed my shit, called Eric, crying, telling him what happened, asked the optician to move her car so I could leave and cried literally all day, not understanding why this happened.

So now I'm on unemployment, looking for another job trying to find one that makes good money or at least somewhere in the range of what I was making and trust me, it's extremely difficult.

Eric and I decided maybe we shouldn't stay in Boston because now were not going to make the 1K we planned on spending, back like we thought. My mom was nice enough to get us a hotel, and my family was having a party on that day, so we decided to stop by there and say hi, have some food, and then head to Boston and get some dinner. It was delicious and less than half of what we would have spent, although we plan on going there when I get another job. We went back to the hotel and I took a shower and as I was getting out I heard him on the phone with someone and it ended with "sir". I got out and asked him what was going on, and he said he just got a forced shift for in the morning 8-4. He's a cop, and he can't say no to those. We decided to pack it up and go home so he could get some sleep, I wasn't leaving Boston at 6 AM, but it really screwed our plans. I went to my moms the next day and gave her half the money back, because we couldn't use the room. He went to work, then it was my moms birthday. So I got her flowers and a cake and went over to give it to her. I had plans to go to Brockton to get Eric and I dinner at Sarku, since that was our original plan on the way back from Boston, and we had a nice dinner. I was sent a snapchat from my brothers girlfriend and they were singing happy birthday to my mom with a cake that no one ever told me about. So I got dressed and went to my moms, she lives, literally right around the corner.

On Tuesday, I had a normal day, definitely still dwelling about getting fired, but getting over it, regardless of the reason. Sam texts me during the day, and Dr. D, the one who fired me, is telling another employee that I was fired because I was promoting Zenni, which made me LIVID. I never once promoted them, and I actually always bash them because their glasses SUCK and the only reason I had them is because I wanted a blue light filter for gaming and I didn't want them on my everyday, or pay $300 of them at my office. We tell every patient they suck, and they should get nice glasses for everyday, especially people with a high RX, high cyl, or progressives. So now I'm thinking he got that impression from me wearing my Zenni glasses for 2 hours in the office, again with no visible logo, and I'm still livid, because if he did, he should've said something to me about it, instead of firing me. Now I'm mad and want to get to the bottom of this. I email Dr. M, to hear her side and she stuck with what was originally said, and said at the end that I was laid off, not fired, and I could collect unemployment. I made a Tiktok making fun of what she said with the Stewie voice over of "Oh hold on Louis just texted you, do you want meatballs or burgers for dinner… I'll text back for you, same thing bitch, just different shapes" with the caption of "When your boss says you weren't fired, you were laid off". Which by the way, I do know the difference, but either way, I no longer had a job. AND GUESS WHO FOUND IT, you guess it, my fucking former boss, and she emailed me about, super. She didn't take offense, she just explained the difference to me, but either way, still embarrassing. My dad also texted me about it, which I did not answer, because he didn't hasn’t apologized to me.

I filed for unemployment, and it has yet to be approved 2 weeks later. I told Eric not to worry about household chores because I don't have a job and I can handle it while he works. My mom has been BEGGING me to come down to the Cape with my family, I said won't because, A.) there's no where for me to sleep. B.) I don't have a job, therefore can't spent a ton of money, C.) my mom likes to push every button of mine when she's drunk and then wonder why I'm being a bitch, and D.) there's nothing up there that I haven't done already. My whole family went though, and now that my brother is up there, my house is like straight up haunted. I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bed twice at 4:23 AM, and it definitely was not in my dream, it didn't match up to my dream. Then yesterday, I was sitting in the living room and I heard the fire alarm in the basement go off, and as soon as I opened the basement door, it just stopped. Nothing was wrong down there in the first place, and I constantly hear creaks upstairs like someone is walking when they only have their 5 pound cat up there. It's been 2 weeks since I applied for unemployment and I still haven't gotten paid, so I called yesterday and they said that my employer had to finish paperwork, so I emailed her and let her know. She said there's nothing on her end to do, so I called again today. They said that there is an overdue form and she needs to call this number. Told her, and she called and they said there's nothing for her to fill out and my name isn't even popping up under her employer unemployment, so something went wrong down the line, that we're both not sure of.

And the cherry on top…. Eric made an arrest yesterday, and everything was fine and dandy until his LT called this morning, and he had to go into the station. He was told it was a "bad arrest", and I want to clarify, that he arrested a dude for assault and battery that violated a restraining order, BUT, it wasn't in our city, where he works to it was a bad arrest, ONLY because of that. So, now he had to write a letter to the chief and to the union lawyer, along with the other officer at the scene and the LT that approved his report, and we're a little unsure of what's going to happen next and we've both been stressed all day about it. He's doing better now and hanging out, but I can't destress ever.

So these last two weeks have been absolutely horrible and I want to just have ONE GOOD DAY in my time off from not having a job!!

[dear-disaster-diary]

Monday 29 March 2021

I've been really depressed the past couple of days. I was back in that old headspace, which was really hard. I was doing okay for a while there, so I didn't see it coming. I realized too late that I hadn't responded to anyone for days and I had stopped doing my homework. I didn't realize I was isolating myself until I had already pushed everyone away and stopped trying again. I hate myself for self destructing like that.

Once I realized, I tried to reach out. I forget that some of my friends really aren't the best people about things like that. I talked to my roommate for a little bit, but we've been on totally opposite schedules recently so I really haven't seen that much of her. I tried to tell N what was happening but she literally didn't even care. At all. That really hurt.

I told her that I'd been depression isolating myself and she said "I'll make you respond to me, bitch, I have things I want to tell you." I don't know why I was surprised about that, she always makes things about her. But I guess I was just expecting her to give a shit when I said it flat out like that.

It was my my ex's birthday a couple of days too. That really sucked. I think that's part of why I really spiraled into depression this weekend. Even though it's been over for several months and I'm starting to move on, it really sucked to not be with her, not be able to celebrate or do anything. I kept remembering a year ago when we snuggled up in her car looking over the beach as the sun came up behind us. We weren't happy then, but we were together. I was still safe in her arms.

I still can't think of myself as feeling that way towards someone else yet. I miss that so much. I miss being held when I had a bad day and just feeling... safe. She was a bitch and a terrible, manipulative person. And I still fucking miss her. I don't really want her back, but I miss her like hell.

I did talk to M about it though, and that helped. She's more than good to me. She doesn't deserve to be dealing with shit from an idiot freshman. She deserves better friends who will be by her side and support her. I want to be that, I want to be real friends with her if she'll let me in.

I walked though the cemetery today. It was really nice out, sunny and warm, so I figured I'd go for a walk. It was comforting, almost. In a really weird sort of way. But all of those people survived hard things too. Most of them probably had at least one heartbreak in their life time, and they still made it through and eventually moved on to have a family. If they could do it, so can I.

I also realized while I was walking, that everything I had at that moment was what I wanted from a partner. Things that she never gave me. I want someone to walk though a cemetery with me as the snow is melting and look at the old gravestones. I want someone willing to just take a random path we find and laugh as snow melts into our shoes. I want someone to look up at the sky and just be happy to be outside on such a nice day. She was never like that. She never liked being outside, and adventures with her always ended with her complaining that something was gross or she was tired. She never enjoyed the little things; the poetry of young plants sprouting in the spring in a cemetery.

I also went to the EMT info session today. I don't know if I'll be accepted, but I'm actually really excited to apply. If I get in, not only will I get training and experience that will help me on my path to med school, but I also will be certified as an EMT with the possiblity to work as an EMT at home. As part of my training, I get to shadow a paramedic, and I get to spend time shadowing in the ER up here. And it sounds like you become friends with the people you work with, and I'd really like to have that here. I miss having close friends.

I think that's the word I've been missing for months now. Close. I do have friends. I actually have several friends up here. I stayed out until almost 3 am last night just talking with friends. But I don't really have any close friends. I don't have anyone to cry to when life gets hard, or to do homework with on a Thursday night. I don't have someone to tell about any of the exciting or upsetting things happening in my life. I miss having people like that.

I saw a tiktok earlier that made me realize just what happened in my relationship. Some girl was like "he's not making me push everyone away, he's just helping me realize that none of them are good for me." I thought the same thing too sweetheart. I really did. I thought she knew everything and was just helping me see it. I pushed away my friends and family for her. Turns out, she was the shit person. The people I had in my life may not always be great people, but they always want the best for me and she tricked me into not seeing that. So I pushed them away. And now I don't really have people. It's a little different because we also all moved on to college and I'm 4+ hours away from most of my friends now, but you know...

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

12/31/2020 (14 months after the event)

Happy New Years!

It has been a rather weird year, hasn’t it? While some days from this year feel like they were only yesterday, others feel like half a decade ago. To be quite frank, the same applies to the last time I saw you. I’m sure if you saw this you would go “blah blah, you say the same thing every time you write.” While this is true, I can’t help it. I started taking new medication, as of 14 days ago. My psychiatrist, I have one of those now-- along with a therapist haha, recommended me getting put on escitalopram for my severe anxiety. It’s always been pretty bad, but over the course of the past 14 months, it has skyrocketed pretty high. Isn’t it strange how our minds develop as we get older? Survival of the fittest? Or is it just adaptation? The human body is pretty neat, let alone our brain. 

I was going through my photos the other day, and got the sudden urge to delete all of them. Of course, I’m not as crazy as just upright deleting them-- so I uploaded all of them onto a drive, and then deleted them from my phone. All of them. Decided it was time for a fresh start, why not start with the one thing I open every day, right? I decided earlier today, about a week after I deleted all of my photos, that I would go into my drive to try and find a photo from September that I downloaded from a manga I was reading. Of course I got sidetracked, I scrolled to 2014 and was going through all of my old photos with my brother and my family, and then suddenly I got to 2017 and there it was. The black and white photo of you and I at the parking deck, both of us laughing as hard as we possibly could. I smiled softly of course, as the beautiful memory came rushing over me. But then something hit me. For some reason, this isn’t how I remember you. My brain forgot what you looked like, or at least started trying to. It’s been about a year since I last saw a photo of you. While the brain is so incredibly amazing, it has a bad habit of memories starting to fade, especially when it’s a person attached to bad memories as well. It works in some cases, where people are trying to forget-- but even still it does the opposite and leaves the person going “Why can’t I forget you!?”. Strange, right? The human mind is so beautiful. I can still hear you talking to me sometimes, if I try hard enough. Lately, I haven’t been so hard on myself. I’m trying to figure myself out still, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is okay that I still love you. I know I more than likely always will. That’s what love is, right? Being able to love and never losing that love, no matter what happens. 

All of this being said, I figured I would kind of recap everything that has happened in the wonderful year of 2020. It has been one hell of a ride.

January, the month of my brother’s 15th birthday. He was so happy and we all celebrated his birthday with him the following weekend. We also went hiking the same month, while it was cold; my mother, brother, and I had a blast. This month was mostly just working and being lazy on my off days. I had a fall out with my best friend.

February, I had a love hate relationship with this month. I tried dating someone new, I saw that you had gotten in a relationship two months prior and figured it was time for me to try and move on as well. Needless to say, dude was a douchebag and was a very violent individual. I left him within 3 weeks. My birth father, his newlywed wife, my cousin from my favorite uncle, whom I had never met until then, and I all went to Ruby Falls. It was quite a beautiful journey. Whilst I fought with my father, it turned out to be an okay experience. Later in the month, I ended up getting into a fight with my landlord, who was demanding that I pay extra, even though I was not behind on any payments. I ended up cooperating with them, so that I didn’t lose my home. I celebrated my little sister’s fifth birthday.

March, I lost my job. Millions and millions of other people did as well. Covid-19 struck the world. I took it lightly and just assumed that yet again, the media was blowing things out of proportion. My landlord wasn’t understanding of the fact I was put out of work, along with millions of others. They ended up being generous for the month after I showed them statistics. I ended up being lazy, doing nothing but watching Netflix and Disney plus for the entire month.

April, Corona Virus was boring at this point. We had all been told, “Oh! We’ll all be open for business again in the next two weeks!”. That was the first week of March, and it was now April. The government didn’t give us any kind of help until the last week, so that kind of fucked me. I spent most days laying in bed on TikTok. I also got super into streaming in the beginning of this month, and my platform was finally starting to take off.

May, unemployed for two months. I debated taking a job at a warehouse. Unfortunately, the media deterred me from doing so. There was a spike of cases in my state; it was terrifying. I didn’t leave my house much. I got my dog, for the first time in 4 years. It was beautiful, I cried. He was so happy to be back home. I started a routine of watching anime every morning at 7 am and then going for a walk. I wanted to get back into a daily routine, regardless if I had a job or not. I was falling behind on bills, and I really needed to distract myself. I started getting into digital art, rather than traditional, for the first time ever. I stopped making my music.

June, I reconnected with a lot of old online friends from 2013. It was strange and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. It was nostalgic in a way, spending late nights on discord calls. I didn’t really enjoy it all too much, I felt like it all needed to stay in the past. I started anti-depressants, again. This time it was Prozac. It made me feel extremely drowsy, and made me feel out of body most of the time. I tried to date, again. An old friend that I had from 2013, we reconnected and even though they were out of state, I decided-- “Hey, maybe this will be good for me. I don’t have to worry about them getting aggressive with me, we can take things slow, and we can pace ourselves.” Oh man, if only I knew. He flew down to my state, met the family, was extremely respectful and even stayed in a hotel the first trip. Everything seemed to be going okay.

July, my 21st birthday. Did I drink? No. Sounds crazy, right? I had about half a drink, and decided I just didn’t want any. I had stopped taking my antidepressants, the new boyfriend had said that I wasn’t acting right. It fed into my suspicion, that the meds weren’t doing a whole lot for me. They were just making me really sleepy and on edge all the time. The new boyfriend had come down again for my birthday and mother’s birthday, since we share the same birth week. Celebrated with my mom, her best friend, and I. July was pretty hectic, since I had decided I would be moving to West Virginia on August 5, 2020.

August, I moved to West Virginia. I packed up all of my belongings, uprooted everything I had ever known, hugged my family goodbye, and got into the back of a truck with a u-haul attached to it. I rode in the back of the vehicle for 14 hours, fell asleep in Kentucky, woke up in Ohio. It was daylight by the time we approached West Virginia. It was so beautiful, all of the mountains. I was moving into the house in which he lived in, which his sister was next door on one side, and his parents on the other side. We had the nice river breeze, since Ohio river was within eyesight. I lived in the Tri-state area so it was Pennsylvania on one side, Ohio on the other, and us-- five minutes to each state. It was a good first couple of days. Then we got into our first fight. I was unable to work, since I left my car behind. Luckily, I had saved up a bunch of money for me to be able to buy one. He hit me with really low blows, saying I didn’t need to work-- since women weren’t good for that kind of thing. It hurt, to be honest. I had never seen him like this before, in the eight years I had known of his existence. He had been with me in my hometown for three weeks and not once acted like this. I walked on eggshells, bought a car with my hard earned money, then got a management job at the Domino’s that was ten minutes from my town I was living in. Towards the end of the month, he got aggressive with me. He stopped working the same week I had moved in, he had no car. He had no ambition, he decided to just give up. Maybe that’s what I tried to see, maybe-- just maybe I could help him find some ambition. I wanted to save him, in a way? We got into a severe fight, I couldn’t take it anymore-- I fought back, and he ended up swinging on me.

September, I packed all of my belongings that I could into my tiny little Toyota, and left in the middle of the night. I had one thing on my mind, and that was to go to my mom’s house. My mother had known how bad he had gotten, since he acted such a way with my mother on the phone, unknowingly. I drove for 15 hours, well 13 but with rest stops to nap for a bit since I was running off of no sleep, but I finally ended up back home. I ended up staying with my mom for a bit. Later had to relocate, so I moved in with an old friend. Started streaming again.

October, Worked. Literally worked the entire month, my entire existence fell into dread. I became overly aware of how much time had passed. I felt like I had been doing nothing. I dreaded the last day of the month, every day just gave me more and more sadness.  I didn’t want the day to come. I started dreaming of you more and more and more. Halloween came, I decided to look at it differently, I started to thank you-- rather than try to hate you. I came to the conclusion that I would never hate you.

November, Thanksgiving! I started to become grateful, moved back into my mom’s house. It was a bumpy ride, but I managed to get back into the habit of doing healthy things. Started going to the gym again, drinking more water. I told my father he was dead to me, haven’t spoken to him since. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my real family, my mother and her best friend’s family. They watched me grow up since the day I was born. It was so much better than any other holiday I had ever had up to this date.

December, I started a new form of medicine. This time it was for anxiety, since that’s the main factor of my illness-- or so we think so far. I am on escitalopram, and I started it the week before Christmas. I got to see my real family again. It was nice, but this time I got to reunite with my childhood best friend for the first time in fifteen years. It was so lovely. I have become almost bedridden again, but it won’t last long-- since it’s just a side effect of my medicine. I also got to see some friends from high school, but then I realized-- they’re the exact same way they’ve been since the beginning. They wanted nothing but to talk about drama. It just isn’t my thing, I don’t like dealing with people much anymore, because of the constant drama. I’ve learned a lot about people changing, and the lack thereof.

I think this year has been a year full of lessons for me, and it has been tough. As they say, there’s no pleasure without pain, no pain no gain, right? This year has taught me a lot about myself and the people around me, and I am extremely grateful for the things I have experienced. I’ve learned so much about who I am as a person. I’ve grown a lot, while this year has kicked my ass. I have high hopes for the next year. For the first time, since 2016, I finally see a future in myself, by myself. 

To New Beginnings, Lovebug.

I love you, always.

22:27

[scribble-skull-rat]

literally all of the make the admit questions you are comfortable answering

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

Yeah

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

I talk to them on a daily basis

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Sort of

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Yeah

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

I haven't hung out with anyone, social distancing my duce

6. What are you excited for?

Seeing my boyfriend

7. What happened tonight?

I watched revolting rhymes with my mom

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

Eh idc

9. Is confidence cute?

Yes

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

2, 3 if you count you

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

I did

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Stay in and cry because i havent gotten over losing my cats and grandpa

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Nothing, im broke

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Not anymore

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Probably not but ill try

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Ehh no one

18. The last time you felt broken?

Litteraly 10 minutes ago

19. Have you had sex today?

I wish

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

Yeah, im a piece of shit

21. Are you in a good mood?

Im never in a good mood to be fair

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

Yeah

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

His are black and mine are blue so, no

24. What do you want right this second?

Idk

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

Platonicly? Nothing idgaf. Romantically? Id cry

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Yeah

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Yeah

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

A stupid thing in a discord chat

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

.....yeah..

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

Nah, hes really nice. I think I've told you about him, his names noah

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

Yeah it'd be a bit hard for us to be dating if he didn't

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

I rarely do

34. Listening to?

A mix of lofi and depressed music along with the song my boyfriend sent me

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Usually i do

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

Yeah, Oregon

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sort of?

38. Who did you last call?

Noah

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

I dont dance unless you count tiktok dances

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Peer pressure

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

Idk

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

I hugged my mom so yeah

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

Yeah

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I dont tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Yeah, it was awkward and we both hated it

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Nah

47. Who was the last person to call you?

Noah

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?

Not really since we dont have a car

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yeah, my sister used to teach me

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Ive never had my portrait taken

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Eh idc

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Sometimes

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

A w h a t

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Marine biologist, still do

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Sometimes

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Nah

60. Wear slippers?

Nope

61. Wear a bath robe?

Dont have one

62. What do you wear to bed?

A t-shirt and pj pants, or shorts

63. First concert?

Never been to one

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Wal-mart

65. Nike or Adidas?

Im poor so neither

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Both

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

None

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Uhh calm down i guess

69. Ever take dance lessons?

Nah

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

I dont really care what job my spouse has

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yeah

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Ive never done a spelling bee

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

I dont think so

74. What is your favorite book?

Reckless

75. Do you study better with or without music?

Idk

76. Regularly burn incense?

Nope

77. Ever been in love?

Yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Cavetown

79. What was the last concert you saw?

I've never been to a concert

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Warm tea

81. Tea or coffee?

Red tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Oreo

83. Can you swim well?

Eh yeah

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yeah? Do people do that?

85. Are you patient?

Sometimes

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

DJ

87. Ever won a contest?

Once and i fucked up by not responding in time

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

No

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Idc

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Have fun and use protection

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room

92. Do you want to get married

Ehh sort of

[sawyersick]

all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

 Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope! 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick��� and then the sparkly heart emoji five times 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope! 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I’m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?   

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?    

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?    

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?    

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  

nope  77. Do you have a job?   

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor   78. What are your initials?    

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?    

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?    

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?   

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?    

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?  

nope! I’m a weenie  91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?  

no I’m a virgin  94. Are you single or in a relationship?   

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 

the day after the fourth of July   97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is  c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?  

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky  99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  

yeah one from the ring I wear every day  and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

[fitclouds]

How it started

TW: calories | weightloss  Hi guys I’m Claudia and I’m 21 year old. I live in Scotland and I’m currently a business student. I made this blog to help others with weight loss and how to stay on track, even though sometimes it isn’t an option. Being a full time student, basketball player and also to find time for myself and people around me could be tough sometimes. Looking back when I was unhealthy to the point I would sleep past noon and first thing I would do was smoke a cigarette and eat microwaved food, I feel embarrassed. My routine back then was to get through the week so I could go out and get blackout drunk every weekend. I thought I was enjoying myself but didn’t realise how it started affecting not only my mental health but also my family.  2020 wasn’t the best year, I’d say for anybody. The pandemic started and you can say everybody fall off their track. Of course, you wonder what was I even doing if my life before was only partying. Well let me tell you. For the first 6 months I would meet up with my friends and find a place to drink. My mindset was at a horrible place because I kept telling myself I’m only 19 so I want to be a party animal because at some point, yeah, I will get old. I carried on until people who haven’t seen me in years would criticise me by being straight honest that I did indeed, put on a lot of weight. I tried to play it cool by saying ‘so what? I’m happy the way I am’ but deep down I started noticing that is not who I wanted to become when I was a kid. I was always, from a young age, interested in sport. First time I played basketball was 11 years ago! This was my dream, to live that healthy, sporty life. But obviously life took a different turn. Back to 2020, during summer I slowly started to looking for a nutrition that would help me somehow loose weight. It was hard because not knowing where to start and having a little budget, getting a Personal Trainer was definitely not an option. Firstly I tried to set up my own diet, but what the hell did I even know about it? Nothing. I couldn’t find the motivation at all because back then I thought healthy eating was all about ‘greens and leaves’.  One day, I was scrolling through my social media and accidentally found a page called JuicePlus. I got excited because it wasn’t that pricey so I decided to save up a bit and get started with that. Till this day I’m laughing at myself for spending 80 pounds for 4 months straight just to get protein powder, boosters, pills and get added to a Facebook group where people would share their nutrition's or weight loss. I thought it was so good because I started seeing my weight drop, but thinking about it now, it was my effort and watching ChloeTing videos on YouTube that helped me more than the JuicePlus diet. I did catch up on a lot of things though like calories and health benefits but remembering how I literally cut off carbs because they said eating it will not help me loose weight, yeah, weird.  Once I payed it off I started making my own food, but I didn’t know the main thing was to count the calories! After few months in November 2020,me and my friend decided to go to the gym. This was my first time so I literally spent like 3 hours on a treadmill. But I felt like this was a place where I feel like myself. The next day I decided to go to the gym on my own so I can overcome the fear and did not look back! It become part of my daily routine. I minimalised drinking, going out and even smoking! Unfortunately with Scotland going back into another lockdown, I had no other option but to try stay on track because at that point I realised who I was before 1st lockdown and who I am now, I could say two different people. 

I watched a lot of fitness videos, Instagrams accounts, TikToks, done my own research, I would say I educated myself so, so much. Being so interested, I came accross an Instagram account called ComposeLimited. That was literally perfect timing because not only it was so cheap, I also had an option of home workouts, plenty of meal plans, could track my progress and to top it off I also had my own Online PT who was checking on me almost daily! I carried on with my weightloss journey throughout the second lockdown that once the gyms reopened I felt so confident in going back to the gym. I started posting more Fitness content on my Instagram or what I was eating during the day. I also gained more followers. I even found an app called MyFitnessPal that helped me track food and daily calories. 

Lockdown ended, now we are in April 2021. Back to my favourite place, something didn’t felt right for me. I felt that now I am so educated I want to explore more. It was like a sign from God. I woke up and went on my social media. First thing I saw was a random post on Facebook from a local Personal Trainer who was looking for people who would like to join his team. I thought this is it. I decided to message him and I knew he is gonna be someone who will change me for even better. He is a bodybuilder so that made me feel even more comfortable with him knowing that his knowledge in Fitness is huge. He made my own personalised diet and workouts. That was awesome because I felt like this is what I needed from the start. By May I noticed a huge difference in me. Body got toned up, my relationship with food got better. I got inspired by him that decided to put more effort and participate in bodybuilding.  I carried on until July because I went through a heartbreak. That actually motivated me more, but at the same time I felt like I needed some fun. I  balanced going out with fitness. In August, me and my friend took a spontaneous  trip to England and that wasn’t the greatest idea. I stayed there for a whole month. I didn’t work out at all. Just kept partying and eating crap food. Despite the bad side of it, it was the best summer ever and actually change my mindset for even better. The glow up I had was insane. Coming back home and finding the motivation I dropped when I went away was so hard. But even though, I met someone who made me feel very special and helped me with my anxiety. Not only showed me what love really feels like, but picked me up and we both started our own ‘marathon’. It was like a right person at right time. Having the same goals helped us get closer. After sometime, we moved in together and started shredding.  Where I am now compared to where I was January 2020 you’d say I’m not the same person. I am currently shredding and let me tell you I am at the best mindset I have ever been. I finally see the change in my body and mental health. The reason why I decided to make this blog was because I want to help other people loose weight and still being able to eat the food they like. So a normal diet but make it more fun. I went through a rollercoaster with Fitness that I am able to show others it isn’t boring at all. My plan for the future is to also become a part time PT while being a full time business women. I will be posting daily my tasty meal plans, workouts, mental health, how I stay on track during bad days, balancing having fun with gym and many more. I hope you will stay with me because I know how tiring and hard it can get, especially where nowadays people think being the cool person means drinking until you don’t remember what happened last night. And of course, to save you from spending hundreds on some weird diets and making mistakes like me. You will also find pictures of me ‘before and after’ to see what discipline can really do to you. Nobody will tell you the bad side of loosing weight and how it can even affect you. Last thing I will do is to judge you. Lots of love  Claudia x

[piilokarsastus]

End of the year ask game - 2019

1. Favorite book you discovered this year? Not sure if I’ve started any new books this year

2. Favorite movie that was released this year? It seems I also didn’t go to the movies this year apart from one time but the movie wasn’t that good

3. Favorite TV show you discovered this year? Fargo

4. Favorite artist you discovered this year? I don’t really do “artists”

5. Favorite music album that was released this year? The kind of music I listen to doesn’t come in albums but Veli Kujala’s Violin Concerto “Auseil” has got to be one of the greatest modern pieces of music I’ve heard.

6. If you are using a music streaming platform that provides you with stats about this year, post them! I’m not

7. Favorite memory of this year? Maybe the time I went biking with a good friend in July

8. Favorite song this year? It’s so hard to pick favourites, but Grieg’s Jeg elsker dig always has a special place in my heart

9. Post a selfie from January of this year and one from today. I literally haven’t changed at all so no

10. Favorite travel destination of this year? I didn’t really travel much but our short excursion to Lappeenranta was fun

11. Did you make new friends this year? How? Yeah, I’ve made a lot of new friends in university, and also one of the students I hung out with during my work period at OUAS in 2018-2019 has since become a close friend. I got many other friends of varying levels there but she’s the only one I still see and talk to regularly.

12. Did you lose a friend? Why? Well not really, but kind of. We’re still officially friends and we recently even texted each other for the first time in months but I just can’t bring myself to connect with her more since I have this feeling that she isn’t really interested in seeing me because I had a crush on her a year ago. The fact that she never texts first doesn’t help either.

13. Any deaths in your social environment this year? My grandpa passed away in September at 83

14. Any newborns in your social environment this year? no, although my cousin and his wife have a baby under way

15. Favorite concert you´ve been to this year? This one concert of new music in Oulu, in October

16. Favorite festival (music or other) you attended this year? Uuden musiikin lokakuu (see previous question)

17. Did you quit a job/an education this year? I didn’t exactly quit, my work period just ended as scheduled

18. Did you start a new job/education this year? Yeah, I started university

19. Did your relationship status change during the year? If it stayed the same, did your perception of this status change? nope, still single

20. Any new piercings this year? no

21. Any new tattoos this year? no

22. Any other body modifications this year? no

23. Favorite clothing item of this year? I just got a really cute shirt for Christmas, so I’m choosing that even though it’s only been in my life for a few days :D

24. Favorite person this year? that would be a certain HK. Funnily enough those initials can refer to two people, both of whom played an important part in my life at different parts of the year: one in December-February and the other especially from May onwards. 

25. Favorite place to be this year? (can be a city or just a place like a library, home, a certain forest and so on…) Ever since I moved out, my old home (at my mum’s) has been my favourite place since I come there on holidays to do nothing except relax and enjoy life.

26. Any dreams you fulfilled this year? Started studying in the university I wanted to study in and now I finally have a genuine friend squad who actually do fun stuff together outside of school and we just have a really great group spirit. It’s something I’ve always wanted to have but never had. I’ve mostly just had singular close friends and all the friend groups I’ve been in before rarely did anything outside of school or just weren’t very close friends to begin with. I did have a small group completely separate from school in 2014-2016 but we hung out quite rarely and have since lost touch completely even though I really enjoyed my time with them.

27. Which was your happiest month? Why? I can’t decide on one favourite but the happiest times for me were January (when I had recently met someone special and was heavily crushing on her and life seemed great for a while), July (when I spent a lot of time with an aforementioned friend) and then October (or any month in autumn because I’ve had a great time in uni)

28. Which was this years worst month? Why? On Feb 27 the preceding period of happiness ended and my dreams were crushed, and that sadness was present for the entirety of March and for some time after that as well.

29. Anything you started this year? (sports, drawing, tarot…) university, as I’ve already mentioned more than once.

30. Did you move this year? If not, did you change anything about your place of residence? Yes

31. Did you change anything about your look or your style during this year? Not exactly, but I can feel that change is in progress in a way I can’t yet describe. And last winter (starting already in late 2018) I did start preferring sweaters to button-ups

32. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the best: how would you rate this year? a solid 8,5

33. Any political scandal in your country this year? yeah our government fell after barely six months in office, but as a result we got an even better one with the worlds youngest (and female!) prime minister. 

34. Any global event that happened this year that had a strong impact on you or your way of thinking? I can’t remember whether it was this year or the year before but the IPCC reports have certainly made me more aware of how doomed capitalism is

35. Anything you did for the first time this year? (Bungee jumping, drinking alcohol, traveling by plane ….) nothing I can think of

36. Any big mistake you made this year? yyyeah about that Feb 27th thing... I confessed my feelings to someone I was really really interested in but nothing good ever came out of that decision and my self-esteem hasn’t been the same since

37. Favorite Youtuber this year? muyskerm probably

38. Favorite music artist this year? didn’t we go over this already?

39. Favorite hobby this year? making music, same as always

40. Relfect on the year: what are the strongest memories? In the first half of the year, I had a great time at OUAS and there were many memorable moments in that job. My favourites were maybe when I was teaching aural skills classes and when I worked as an accompanist for the opera ensemble class. In May, a large-scale piece of mine was finally performed after I worked on it for the entirety of 2018, which was a big milestone for me as a composer. And finally, in August, we had a super fun orientation day at uni and it was the first time I spent some true quality time with my new squad, sitting in a dark corner talking about music :D

41. Which goals that you had for this year did you reach? Come to think of it, I’m not really a goal-setter.

42. Which goals that you had for this year did you not reach? it would’ve been nice to get into a relationship or even just have sex at least once

43. Any injuries or major diseases you had this year? no

44. Did you have to go to the hospital this year? yeah, but just for a root canal treatment

45. How much/how often did you travel this year? not very often, mostly just between Oulu and Helsinki

46. Did you spend most of your time alone or with others? If with others, who was/were this persons(s)? Well I lived at home until August so my parents, I guess

47. Any new blogs you made on tumblr? yeah, just a private place for a new kind of aesthetic

48. Any blogs you deleted on tumblr? no

49. Any social media that you started with that year? Well I finally got into tiktok but I don’t make content there

50. Favorite food this year? pizza, as always

51. Favorite sweets this year? chocolate, as always

52. Favorite drink/beverage this year? water, as always

53. Any celebrity you really looked up to this year? nah

54. Tell us a quote that inspired you during this year. I’m not a quote person

55. Any new device you bought this year? no

56. If you are wearing makeup: Did your makeup style change during this year? makeup isn’t part of my current style

57. Are you looking forward to next year? I kind of am actually, not really for anything specific but I just have a good feeling about things

58. What are your goals for next year? to learn a lot of new things, discover a lot of good art and basically just continue rebuilding my identity and self-esteem and make myself into the best person I can be. And yeah that girlfriend would be nice too :(

59. What would your biggest dream for next year be? To have a private lesson with my favourite musicologist who will be a visiting professor at my university next year

60. What do you hope will change on this world withing the next year? can we like finally eat the rich, please?

61. Any changes within your own life you have planned for next year? I’ve considered starting working out again since I haven’t done much since school started

62. What are your fears about the next year? that school’s going to be even more stressful since I have more classes

63. How and with whom are you going to spend new years eve? alone and with my mum, currently am

64. Any song that is connected for you to new years eve? no

65. Any new years eve traditions you practise? no

66. Any travels planned for next year? no

67. What do you want to focus on more during the next year? I’d like to make more art but we’ll see how much time I have

68. Any release you are looking forward to next year? a number of tv shows are set to release a new season

69. Any behaviour you want to get rid of during next year? I wish I could stop dwelling on the past

70. Do you think this year changed you? Why? Definitely, I can’t really put it to words but I’m on my way to feeling a lot happier being who I am

71. Do you think next year will change you? Why? hopefully for the better

72. Any changes planned for next year already? (moving, job change etc.) no

73. What major changes happened for you during this decade? In the beginning of 2010 I was year 4 in primary school and now I’m first year in university, so there were a lot :D Biggest ones were maybe starting puberty and my parents splitting up in 2013, starting to compose music seriously in 2014, getting my first girlfriend in 2015 and my second, longest-to-date relationship in 2017, as well as said relationship ending in 2018. And yeah, in 2019 I moved away from home.

74. Post a picture of you from 2009 and one from 2019. lol not going to happen

75. New people that came in this decade into your life? pretty much all of my friends except for like 3

76. People you lost during this decade? Grandpa I lost literally although we weren’t that close, and there are several friends who are still friends but who I’ve lost in a way since we just don’t stay in touch anymore and we just aren’t as close as we used to.

77. Dreams you fulfilled during this decade? When I downloaded musescore in late 2013 and typed in my first, cringey attempts at composition, I could only dream of being able to write music like Mozart. And here I am now, pursuing a career as a composer. 

78. Favorite music artist of the decade? I still don’t do artists

79. Favorite movie of the decade? there are so many

80. Favorite TV series of the decade? you could just ask me my favourite tv series altogether, it’s equally impossible to decide 

81. Favorite book of the decade? Does this mean books published in or books I just read this decade? I’m picking the latter: while they’re perhaps not the best books of all time (although still really good), nothing has impacted my adolescent years more than the Harry Potter series.

82. Favorite music album of the decade? I’m just going to say Mozart, okay?

83. Favorite celebrity of the decade? The idolisation of celebrities is a phenomenon I don’t really endorse but the Justimusfilms guys are a precious bunch of idiots I’m always happy to see whatever they do

84. Favorite author of the decade? I haven’t read nearly enough and diversely to consider this a valid assessment but of the few authors I have read, Herman Koch seems like a really interesting one

85. Celebrities you admired that died this decade? Christopher Lee, Einojuhani Rautavaara, Nikolaus Harnoncourt, Alan Rickman

86. Favorite actor/actress of the decade? I find it hard to name a favourite, I don’t really enjoy a particular actor but rather the roles they play if they’re written well and played convincingly

87. Favorite travel desitnation of the decade? Italy (2011) and St. Petersburg (2017)

88. Any changes in believe this decade? no

89. Did your main occupation (student, working fulltime etc.) change during this decade? it did for one year but now I’m a student again

90. Favorite memory of this decade? I’m happy my life has been meaningful enough that this question is entirely impossible to answer. Besides, there are two very distinct periods in this decade, late childhood and teenage years, which are hard to compare

91. Hobbies you gave up upon during this decade? violin and badminton

92. Hobbies you started during this decade? piano, writing, composing... and violin and badminton

93. What new did you learn during this decade? (Languages, arts, crafts…) basically anything I’ve ever learned after 4th grade, including, but not limited to, the Swedish language, music theory and composition, and how to boil potatoes 

94. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the best, how would you rate this decade? Since I’ve only lived through two, I don’t really have much to compare it with but I’d say 9. Overall I’ve had a really nice and happy youth but there are things I wish went differently especially in middle school.

95. Favorite quote during this decade? “yolo swag” -Albert Einstein

96. Which body modifications did you get during this decade? none

97. New dreams you gained during this decade? all of them

98. Dreams you gave upon during this decade? I once thought of becoming an author but music took me in the end

99. Worst year of this decade? Why? 2012. the end of sixth grade was pretty okay but seventh grade sucked tbh + atmosphere at home wasn’t the best. Meanwhile I was still a kid so everything was hard and I didn’t control anything that happened in my life. I did start writing that year, which was nice.

100. Best year of this decade? Why? I’ve thought about this a lot. I remember 2010-2011 being nice with many lovely memories of playing with my best friend of the time. Many of those adventures are the basis of my eternal WIP novel and I have a special nostalgia for those years but they were so long ago and I was so young that I can’t really tell them apart as distinct years and I still think I can’t compare them with the other years since I’m a very different person now.

2012 sucked ass as I’ve already discussed. 2013 wasn’t as bad but not great either. Some of the shit from the previous year carried over, along with my parents separating, but on the other hand, I had my first date ever with my crush (even though she rejected me) and it was the beginning of my teenage years with many nice moments.

2014 is a strong contender: I met some new friends at confirmation camp, started gradually enjoying middle school and started hanging out with the girl I would eventually start dating. There’s not much bad to say about 2014 but overall nothing very big happened.

2015 was both the end of 9th grade (where I had a lot of fun at school since our group spirit was amazing) and the beginning of high school. I was doing well in life, got new friends and I also got into my first-ever relationship and that, along with the events leading to that, was a time of great happiness for me. Although our breakup in November kind of ruined the end of the year for me, 2015 has got to be one of the best years of the decade.

For some reason, my mental image of 2016 isn’t very distinct. I spent the better half of the year feeling a bit depressed because of the breakup, but there were happy times especially from May onward when I started growing closer with a good friend. That summer we texted literally every day, we basically just became best friends and I also eventually fell in love with her. From August to the end of the year I have nothing but good memories and I’m very nostalgic for that time.

Which leads us to 2017. I went to prom with my crush (which itself was really fun) and we started dating in March. I was so so happy, especially in the summer. I also had some early break-throughs as a composer and made some of the best pieces I’ve conceived to date. School was fun too, and generally I just enjoyed high school a lot.

2018 is a year I’m very divided about. I was still in a relationship and had some of the happiest times with that person in April-June. Then again, we had some communication issues and I had a recurring paranoia that she just doesn’t want to be with me anymore, which was a constant source of anxiety in January-March and July. The breakup did come in August and of course for the rest of the year it weighed me down quite a bit. However, generally speaking I was somewhat more fine than with my first breakup since I had new exciting things going on in my life such as my work at OUAS which helped keep my thoughts away from the loneliness and also introduced new friends into my life. And in December, I had what was probably the best date of my life with a new, interesting person, which ended 2018 on a positive remark.

2019 was a year of change, even more so than the previous one. A lot of things changed for the positive, although there is also a certain sadness to leaving old things behind. I was happy at work and now I’m happy at school, but I’ve also felt lonely and unattractive, especially after getting rejected in February by someone I had such high hopes for. Suddenly I was back to the preceding sadness and my self-esteem dropped drastically while I was left wondering why I wasn’t enough. Still, I’ve had so much fun with friends and so much personal and professional growth that 2019 is still up there in the top 5.

As you’ve probably noticed already, I suck at picking favourites. Every year had its moments, some of them more than the others. Overall, I’ve been very happy especially in 2014-2019, but of all those years, 2017 was maybe the coolest and had some of the best memes as well.