#who wants to do a drunk watch of tales together pls pls pls

[love-killed-the-superstar]

OH I AM SO READY FOR OLD HAG BISHOP

[lunaastoir]

fluff/relationships w the liyue crew

characters included: xiao, childe, beidou, and zhongli

ik i forgot ningguang i promise i’ll include her in part 2, i just didn’t have time :(

all x a gn! reader 

my liyue babies :,) ft. ningguang in spirit

an: i was listening to my soft playlist (more like listening to cupid’s chokehold on repeat, no i am not basic 🔪) and i thought some fluff headcanons would be cute w these sweet people

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xiao

ok so no surprise that he hates liyue harbor

he hates anything w a lot of people in it so he prefers to stay at wangshu inn tyvm

but by contrast, you love liyue harbor sm (it’s gorgeous i mean c’mON)

you go there often to retrieve your commissions in order to stay closer to xiao (liyue harbor is closer than mondstadt he argues but you’re well aware that they’re both equally far away)

so if anyone asked, xiao would absolutely refuse to go to the harbor like i hate people??? why would you even ask???

but,,,he’s so sOFT for you

if you asked??? he would agree in a heartbeat

but since he’s >:( angsty boy, he makes you think that he won’t go even when he’s already decided that he’s coming w you

he puts up the “if you so require, then i guess i will assist you with your travels in liyue harbor” but in reality he would definitely have said yes even without the almond tofu

while he hates the harbor, he thinks that with you anything is bearable :,) simp

you take him to see xinyan to vibe w her music and you can tell he really enjoys it

even tho he’s like 🕴 the entire time, you see the softer look on his face and the very slight smile on his lips as he listens to the music and watches the crowd

so so so cute very soft for him

i do see him as a subtly touchy person in public like brushing the hair off your face, swiping his thumb across your cheek, or gently pulling your hair back when you have a plate of food in your hands 

the type to link your pinkies together - he claims it’s so you don’t get lost but yk better 

after the concert is done you take him to that one waypoint near mt. tianheng and the both of you just watch the city lights and the way they reflect beautifully on the water surrounding the harbor 

personal headcanon that xiao absolutely loves stargazing since he believes the stars are the one true constant in his life especially since he’s experienced so much loss (basically they’ll never leave him god i hate myself why do i make everything SAD)

mini headcanon off of that - he doesn’t stargaze with people,,, like ever 

it’s something he loves to do alone so the fact that he lets you stargaze w him and even allows you to shift your head onto his lap while you watch the sky is a huge deal 

he loves it when you softly whisper abt how your day was or something you saw that made you laugh 

he just loves hearing your voice, it automatically calms the voices in his head 

you absolutely ADORE when he has flowers in his hair especially cecilias (cecillias? ceccillias? idfk) and you make a point whenever you go to mondstadt to pick a fresh batch of cecilias just for xiao while enlisting the help of your favorite bard  

these soft moments on the mountain are usually when you’ll sweetly tuck in a flower or two in his hair while laughing 

he’ll blush fiercely while looking away but will tuck the cecilias in securely as you’re unable to do so due to the position you’re in on his lap

all in all - this was not meant to come out as a date idea but we’re going w it 

this is so cute xiao pls let me put flowers in your hair sweet boy <3

childe

god, loml, my favorite war criminal after eren yeager 

there’s never a dull moment w this man - if you wanted peace and quiet, why the hell are you dating him bestie???

is the type of person to yell out “Y/N, i can’t believe i ran into you here!” if he sees you somewhere even tho you explicitly told him you were going to be here in the morning (ik you have a good memory ajax don’t lie to me 😐)

i don’t see him as being obnoxious w pda unlike someone else kaeya but he would definitely participate (think: handholding, cheek kisses, an arm around your shoulders)

loves it when he comes home and sees you in an apron cooking 

domesticity just makes his heart melt so you can be sure that your face will be peppered w a lot of kisses afterwards <3 

absolutely ADORES it when you trace his scars absentmindedly when you’re lying down or even when you’re having dinner in public  

he’s been far from his family for so long that small acts of mindless affection like this really make his heart happy 

you have him drunk on your love luv haha see what i did there 

he will let you put makeup on him. no i do not take criticism ⛄️

he already has on lowkey thick eyeliner,,, don’t be shy put some more bestie 

he will shamelessly go out in public w whatever you made him wear - doesn’t really give a shit even tho he has a reputation to maintain 

speaking of reputation,,, yk his mask? yeah that one - the red hair accessory that he has on his head

well on the mask, he attached a little charm the both of you got together on your first date during lantern rite 

it’s this adorable fox that we all shamelessly kill for meat and he placed it so it anchored to the side of his mask so when he fights it isn’t a nuisance or anything (does that make sense??? i hope it does) 

his subordinates notice and while they’re stoic around childe, behind closed doors they do whisper abt the mysterious person who’s captured his heart 

not so mysterious anymore when they literally see him cling onto you during his daily patrol around the harbor 💀

it’s ok tho he’s lucky he’s cute 

bestie,,, pls give him a neck massage 

i just KNOW he’s tense there idk something abt the way he carries himself just screams “my neck hurts so bad someone pls help me i would ask but my pride literally will not let me”

so give him a neck massage :) don’t worry tho he’ll definitely return the favor and then some

LOVES TICKLE FIGHTS 

he’s obsessed w them,,, it’s just the faces you make??? he can’t get enough 

he loves seeing the pure joy and the brief fear (he’s kind of a sadist) in your eyes before he attacks you w those damned hands 

it reminds him a lot of simpler times w his siblings and he’s happy he brings you joy and makes you forget your worries - at least for a little while 

all in all, he’s a good boy and no i will not tolerate childe slander 🔪 kaeya slander tho 😏

beidou

you pulled beidou??? wow everyone’s jealous (pulled as in literally from the banner and in this context but no i do not have beidou and no i definitely do not want to talk abt it)

god made beidou and zhongli just so all of us could have a sexuality crisis 

anyways, being w her is hard i will not lie 

not bc she isn’t a capable lover - no, quite the contrary 

she’s an amazing partner but the problem here lies in the fact that she’s almost never on land 

it’s hard working a long distance relationship but y’all love each other so it works out :,) 

when she is physically present however, expect to never be bored 

she’ll quietly fix the wrinkles on your shirt or fiddle with your fingers in her hands while she recounts her adventures out on sea 

she sometimes gets worried she bores you, however the way your eyes light up every time she tells a tale always reassures her otherwise

definitely the type to let you use her claymore if you want to learn 

she’ll provide useful tips as she tucks her hands into your sides gently, positioning you correctly so you don’t hurt yourself 

miss girl is an AMAZING cook 

i just know she cooks the best meals - i mean she’s friends w xiangling after all 

whenever she comes home from a voyage she’ll always insist on making something for you even if she’s abt to pass out 

pls tuck her into bed and promise her that she can make you something in the morning <3 the poor woman needs rest 

brings you back trinkets but they’re actually very practical 

she knows you won’t have much use for a simple charm (not that there’s anything wrong w that) but she believes you’ll like something practical more so she might get you a new engraved knife from the most recent place she’s been to 

definitely the type to surprise you when she docks 

i can imagine her anchoring her ship out a little ways from liyue harbor and rowing to the dock in order to make sure you aren’t alerted of her presence (i’m sorry the mental picture this made in my mind is SENDING ME INTO ORBIT but she means well i love you)

will take you to remote spots she’s found in her travels through liyue 

for example - the little heart shaped island and the island quest (?) that you had to use kaeya the bridge maker for in order to get to im sorry i’ll stop w the kaeya slander

she’ll get you seashell bracelets or necklaces idk why but she gives me those vIBES 

they’re super nice ones too, only the highest quality for you 

yes she’s a bruh girl but i also see her as someone who would enjoy intimate moments like watching the sunset or something 

“yo wanna catch the sunset, i heard it looks sick from the jade chamber” said before ahem it yk fell from the sky

kasdjksfashfjsahf yes ofc i would love to catch the sunset w you pls come home luv

anyways, she is a woman i would give the world for 

zhongli

ok gimme a sec i need to get my gentleman mode on 

this man,,, THIS MAN 

everything w him is so soft like your entire eXISTENCE w him could go in a museum it’s that beautiful 

in the morning when he visits you, he always brings you a cup of your favorite tea and a bouquet of glaze lilies he got from madame ping

holds the door for you, pushes the chair out for you, uses a napkin and brushes sauce off your lips when you’re eating - you name something sweet, he’s done it

secretly loves it when you fuss over him 

he doesn’t like to fight but say he encountered a group of hillichurls he couldn’t avoid and promptly defeated them but ended up tearing a part of his tux(?) (is it a tux? i could not tell you)

not that big of a deal, i mean it’s a scratch, he’s a 6,000 year old god, he’s dealt w much worse 

but seeing the worried crease in your brows as you usher him to sit at the table while quickly grabbing antiseptic to clean his wound

“it’s just a scratch, my dear. do not worry i’ve dealt with much worse.”

you quietly protest abt how “yes zhongli, i understand you’re an archon and have gotten worse injuries but i’m worried about infection just please let me take care of you ok? <3″ 

when you say that he feels weird emotions,,, wdym take care of him? 

he’s always taken care of himself or been expected to take care of others as the former ruling deity of liyue so having someone else genuinely worry abt his wellbeing creates a warm feeling in his chest 

he strikes me as the type to knit you something??? idk maybe it’s the grandpa vibes but i headcanon that he would knit you a scarf for the colder weather, it’s cute 

in the privacy of your home, he really likes picking you up

he loves it when you wrap your legs around his middle while he gets up to go do the dishes or smthg 

domesticity go brrrr

if you’re into making flower crowns, he would totally have you on his lap and wordlessly hand you a glaze lily whenever you expectantly hold your hand out while weaving the flowers together 

he expects you to make the crown for yourself but when you place the crown on his head and it fits perfectly while simultaneously tucking a glaze lily behind your ear, he looks at you dumbstruck 

his mouth parts open in awe and it’s quite literally the cutest thing

you’ve broken him 

thinks it’s the sweetest thing - will keep it on his head for the whole day 

he’ll even put it in water before he sleeps so it won’t wilt and he can wear it the next day <3 

scenic picnics!! scenic picnics!! 

the type to take you to the nicest spots in liyue to chat abt the history of the land w you over a cup of tea and your favorite food (whatever you like, he doesn’t mind)

recounts the people he’s met in his long life before finishing off by saying you’re by far the best person he’s met 

zhongli strangles lovingly come home soon 

thanks for reading! if you have any requests don’t hesitate to send them in <3 

[janellion]

KAYLAAAAA i am Back ! HSHXH i would like to request hcs of the reader taking care of their drunk boyfriend(s) 👉👈 may i ask for tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, and akaashi? Hdhxbb i hope it's not too much !!! if it is, tsukki and bokuto would do omg aaaAAA i love you so much bb 💞💗💗💗 and idk if i've told you this before already but i LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing like it's one of the best i've ever read !!!! pls stay healthy and safe, i love you!!!!!

RON BB U MAKING A BITCH SOFT OMG 😭😭💗💗✨✨ thank you SO SO MUCH!!’ it means the world to me that you enjoy my writing!!! i’d love to write these for you!!! (i’m sorry they took so long bb 🥺😭 ILY!!)

taking care of your drunk!boyfriend hcs

ft. tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, akaashi

tsukki

tsukki doesn’t drink that much but when he does, he gets SOFT

i don’t mean like he’s crying and all over you

but those things that he only usually thinks? like “wow they’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen”

he SAYS THEM

and he doesn’t realize that he does, he’s really just thinking out loud and so when you’re all flustered at hearing him being so sweet and honest, words that he usually reserves for tender and special moments, he just quirks an eyebrow like “what? did i say something?”

and you pretend like he didn’t, bc you love hearing the things he has to say

taking care of him involves a lot of,,, tough love

he is stubborn and wants to take care of himself

he only lets you take care of him when you’re firm but sweet with him

speaking of, you’re the ONLY ONE that he let’s take care of him

even though it does take some extra coaxing on your part, anyone else would be outright refused except for you

when you go to pick him up or the boys drop him off, they always seem a little extra tired because they’ve been dealing w drunk tsukki without you and he is DIFFICULT

like “we need to bribe him to get into the car” kind of difficult

but they’re really just bribing him with getting to see you

tsukki isn’t a super cuddly or physically affectionate person, but as soon as he sees you he melts

will draw you in for a hug with those long arms of his and just hold you until he starts swaying and you both fall on the ground

the nights end with him passed out in bed and you gently removing his glasses

he never brings it up the next day bc he’s embarrassed, but he thanks you in his own little ways, whether that’s a tender kiss to your temple as you make him something for his hangover, or your favorite flowers the next time he goes out for errands

a knock on the door pulls you from your current task, piquing your interest and making you wonder — isn’t it a little late for them to be back? i figured kei would just stay with kuroo. as you head to the front door, you peek your head through the window to see none other than your tall slightly red faced boyfriend batting away the presumably helpful hand that kuroo is offering him.

as soon as you open the door and tsukki’s eyes land on you, the annoyed and frustrated look on his face melts into one of calm adoration. he takes a step through the threshold, placing a large slender hand on your shoulder, drawing you into his chest and inhaling the scent of your hair.

you look at kuroo over tsukki’s shoulder, suppressing a grin as you see kuroo’s growing. “you should have heard him on the way here, he was so excited to see you,” he comments to you under his breath as he moves to head back to the boys leaning against his car in varying levels of intoxication.

you shoot him a “good luck!” as he walks away before the door slams, blocking kuroo’s retreating back. you try and pull away from tsukki, only to feel him pull you in closer in response.

“those guys were pissing me off,” you hear tsukki’s voice muffled into into your hair. you can’t help but smile at the softness in his voice despite the harshness of his words.

“let’s get you to bed,” you laugh softly, prying his arms ground around your waist and holding his hands in yours between you.

as you go to walk down the hall, tsukki’s grip on your hands tightens as he pulls you back to him, bringing one hand to your check and the other to the small of your back.

he looks at you intensely through his glasses, face slightly flushed, but eyes soft and mouth slipping into a small smile.

“you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen”

+++

bokuto

i’ve written a bit abt drunk!bo here BUT yk i can always go off abt my hubby

OK SO bokuto is one of those “i’m myself but x100” kind of drunks

he is so excited and enthusiastic about things when he’s in a good mood

but he’s so down in the dumps and sad if he’s in a bad mood

fortunately!! you are always there to manage his moods, whether that’s extreme elation or intense sadness

a smile from you or a squeeze of your hand is all it takes to bring him back to his normal cheerful and exuberant self

BUT i hope that you don’t mind shirtless!bokuto (who could???) bc this man is CONSTANTLY TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF WHEN HE DRINKS

on the rare occasions where he goes out with tanaka, these two get kicked out of places SO FAST for public indecency

taking care of drunk!bokuto is a pretty involved affair

as soon as he sees you or the guys drop him back off to you, he is running full speed toward you, often forgetting his size and underestimating his speed

you’ve learned after the first few times that you need to brace yourself for impact bc he has crashed into you more times than you can count

this often results in you either on your back on the floor, or bo sweeping you up in a giant hug as he squeezes you tightly

the man REFUSES to take care of himself, does not want to eat or drink water until you offer it to him

if you bribe him w a kiss? man will do anything

the reason why he refuses to take care of himself? he just wants to spend time w you and shower you with love and affection!!

you’re trying to brush your teeth? good thing you only need one hand bc bo is holding the other!

trying to fix the bed? good luck bc bo has his arms around your waist and is nuzzling his face into your neck

fortunately, drunk!bo is also very sleepy, so after a lot of hand holding and hugging and wildly affectionate and inappropriate compliments, he is ready to pass out

unfortunately, he’s only able to fall asleep with you in his arms, so i hope your phone is charged!!

also, get ready to take a shower in the morning bc drunk!bokuto DROOLS

it’s ok tho bc he’s so cute abt it in the morning & will DEFINITELY insist on showering w you to help you,,, clean off 👀

a loud cry rings through the neighborhood prompting loud “shhhh” noises from the boys around your boyfriend. you smile in amusement as you look out the front window at the scene before you.

bokuto just dropped his phone as he was getting out of the car and proceeded to drop onto his knees, face buried in his hands as he cries out, “NOO WHAT DID I DO THEYRE GONE KUROO GONEEE,” as he gingerly picks up his phone and looks at the lock screen.

even from your vantage point in the house you can see the barely concealed snicker fhat escapes kuroo’s lips as he gestures to tsukki to help heft the large crying man to his feet.

“bro, i promise [Name] is fine, that’s just your lock screen, they’re in the house.” at this point kuroo pauses and looks up, seeing your face in lit up in the window.

“bo, look! they’re right there! why don’t you go give the door your secret knock and see them?” kuroo says, pointing to you at the window.

of course, you can’t hear this, but you do see the way that bokuto’s eyes light up as he brings his gaze to meet yours, and the wide smile that’s already across his previously tear-stained face.

with that, he is running full speed to the front door, and you barely have time to process the change in mood before you hear your signature shared secret knock on the front door.

laughing in anticipation, you throw the door open at the finish of the knock, only to be wrapped up in two sturdy arms, bo feet your lifting off the ground in his excitement.

finally setting you down, he looks at you with shining eyes, the grin on his face spreading with every passing second.

“i missed you”

+++

kuroo

so poor kuroo is usually stuck as the designated driver (he switches off with akaashi)

when he does get to drink though? his nerdy and flirty sides come out in the BEST possible way

he loves to use chemistry pick up lines on you, whether you’re out on the town together or you’re cuddled up in your bed after he gets dropped off for the night

you’ll be playing with his hair or he’ll be playing with yours and all of a sudden he’ll pull away and all the warning you’ll get is a slight glint in his eye and the traces of a mischievous smile as he says:

Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine

or

You must be a compound of beryllium and barium...because your a total BaBe

as soon as the lines are out of his mouth you can feel heat rushing up your neck and cheeks as your eyes widen slightly

kuroo always laughs gently, a light blush coloring his cheeks as he pulls away

he loves to do this bc it always yields his favorite sight: you flustered and embarassed at his sudden flirtatiousness

kuroo is pretty responsible so you don’t really,,, need to take care of him?

but you DO get to listen to a lot of really entertaining stories about things that have happened throughout the night he spent out with the boys

he likes to lay his head in your lap with his eyes closed as you run your fingers through his hair and gently massage his scalp, humming gently and laughing as he recounts the tales of his night

you WILL have to convince him to go to bed tho bc drunk!kuroo wants to stay up ALL NIGHT and spend time with you, cuddling and watching tv or some movies (he WILL try and convince you to watch a fun documentary)

but you’ll have to resist his charms and pickup lines

he does NOT make it easy on you though

will even go as far as to lay on the ground and make you drag him to your bedroom, barely concealing his laughter

he’ll eventually take pity on you and walk with you to the bedroom, but not before swinging his arm over your shoulder and leaning a bunch of his weight on you (he can’t make it too easy!)

the night always ends with the two of you facing each other, his arm slung over your waist as he traces every inch of your face with his eyes

you hear the loud honk of a horn as you receive a “here” text from your boyfriend. you open the door, not sure what to expect since it’s been quite some time since kuroo actually let loose.

you definitely weren’t expecting a grinning bokuto with his hand around kuroo’s waist as your dark haired boyfriend grinned at you with a mischievous look in his eye.

“[Name]!” bokuto exclaims in his signature booming and excited voice. “Your boyfriend here was practicing lines on me all night to get ready to see you,” he says, laughter in his voice.

“bro, you weren’t supposed to tell them!” kuroo turns to bokuto, eyebrows slightly furrowed, “it was supposed to be a surprise!”

bokuto simply laughs and shakes his head, removing his arm from around kuroo’s waist and going to clap you on the shoulder. “good luck,” he says with a wink before walking back to the car, yelling at a slightly flushed akaashi that “he’s next!”

with bokuto gone, all of kuroo’s attention is on you. the mischievous look on his eye has been replaced by one that’s softer, full of love and adoration. his smile, however, still slightly betrays the rest of his face as he leans in close to you, arm resting on one side of your face as the other goes to his hip.

“You must be related to Alfred Nobel, because baby you are dynamite!” slips past his lips and you can’t help but laugh, heat rushing to your face as you take in his words.

his suaveness, however, falters as he loses his balance and crashes into you through the threshold.

he pulls back from you, face lingering inches from yours as he grins again.

“Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you”

+++

akaashi

similar to kuroo, akaashi is often the designated driver or signature “responsible friend”

when he DOES go more wild it’s because someone bokuto convinces him to do something crazy for some reason his bachelor party

on those nights where he does participate more in shenanigans, he gets SOFT

not in the same way that tsukki or bokuto get soft, but in a very special way that is Signature Akaashi

the guys will drop him off and they will all be waving and smiling at you, faces soft

akaash’s softness is infectious and inspiring, and all of them are going to go home to their own partners and be extra soft and sweet bc of him and his love for you

akaashi’s love language is quality time, and this is never more obvious than on the nights when you’re taking care of him after a fun night out with the boys

he just wants to be with you, whether that be on the couch as you finish up your book or show, talking to you as you shower for the night, or at the kitchen table as you have a midnight snack

his eyes soften and drink in the sight of you under the bright kitchen lights, or the soft glow of the tv, or through the foggy mirror of the bathroom

anything you ask of him is yours, so taking care of him is very easy

you’re both in bed as soon as you’d like to be, whether that’s one hour or five hours after he gets done with the boys

this is bc all akaashi wants to do is hold you in his arms and look at you, whispering into the quiet space between you how much he loves you and how much you mean to him

he’s not usually big on being very affectionate with his words, so when he says them, you KNOW he means them more than anything

even though he was the one that went out, he’s always the last one to fall asleep bc he wants to memorize the way you look in this exact moment, and tuck it away into his collection of favorite memories

your phone buzzes on the couch next to you, drawing your attention from the show you put on as you wait for your boyfriend to get dropped off.

accepting the phone and bringing it to your ear, you hear the calm and deep voice of the man you know and love.

“hi love, we’re almost to the house,” rings through the speaker. a chorus of “AWWWHS” and “OOOOHS” echo in the background as you hear the unmistakable voices of the boys in the car. a smile tugs at your lips at the shenanigans, and widens at akaashi’s soft chuckle. “see you soon,” you say as you hear the sound of a car pull up.

making your way to the door, you open it to reveal the slightly flushed face of your boyfriend as he gets out of the car, accepting the hand that bokuto offers in assistance.

the softness in akaashi’s eyes is unmistakable as he makes his way toward you, his gaze never straying from your face.

bokuto chuckles behind him, waving briefly at akaashi’s back before walking around to the front of the car.

as akaashi reaches the front step, he wraps an arm around your waist and brings you in for a soft but firm kiss, pulling away with a gentle smile and shining eyes.

the “OOOHS” and “AHHHS” ring out from the car again, but there’s a softness to them.

regardless, you pay them no mind as you look into akaashi’s eyes, a small smile playing on your lips.

“it’s nice to see you too,” you say through a grin.

“i’ve been wanting to do that all night”

☽

a/n: tysm for reading!! ty @strawbirb for the bokuto idea!! my requests are OPEN. i’m slow but i will get to them! 🥰✨

general taglist (also my faves 🥰) : @oyakags @cosmictooru @over5feettall @kaidasen @achoohq @kuronekomama @anianimol @strawbirb @spriteandnicotine

writing taglist: @softkatsuki

(pls lmk if you’d like to be on a taglist!)

[maraudingforflesh]

SakuAtsu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29129124/chapters/71509197

again, like this (55,735 words); they hook up for the first time after they’ve both lost at nationals during their last year of high school and then they keep hooking up even when kiyoomi is in college and atsumu is in the pro league

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29004675/chapters/71185563

安心 (Peace of Mind) (84,717 words); this behemoth of a fic is a straight up masterpiece centered on kiyoomi as he grows up and thinks about volleyball and atsumu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27206239/chapters/66454693

Stick With You (99,365 words); at the start of the pandemic kiyoomi and atsumu end up stuck on an island in the Philippines after the rest of the team manages to

make it home to Japan without them

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473077/chapters/72398289

ATSU101: how to fall in love with your fake boyfriend (110,679 words); college!au in which atsumu needs a fake date to a party and kiyoomi needs a fake boyfriend to scare off a suitor

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30823448

Uncover (3,928 words); 5 times the team realizes kiyoomi and atsumu are closer than they thought +1 time they get an explanation

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26645923

Through the Years (14,376 words); au where they’re high school sweethearts who broke up before kiyoomi joined the jackals but a team trip and a blizzard might help them reconcile

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28938666

No Hard Feelings (9,313 words); they’re fwb but they’re also much more than that even if feelings are hard and kiyoomi takes a while to figure it out

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260299/chapters/71852220

but we're not, like, in love (17,303 words); the team makes them share a room since they’re both so keen on random hookups during away games and they start hooking up with each other but they’re not like in love or whatever

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25394974

lay it on me (no, really) (4,261 words); atsumu volunteers to be kiyoomi’s body pillow during away game hotel stays

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27976293/chapters/68521347

as long as you’re drunk (43,739 words); inunaki tells the team about an article he read that says people who sleep together five consecutive times always fall in love and kiyoomi and atsumu figure their current count of 13 times is really only 4 when you eliminate the times they were drunk so as long as one or both of them is drunk they can keep having sex without falling in love

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30624719

When I say I love you, only you know what I mean (20,778 words); they’re best friends and roommates and they’re going through shit in their own ways and atsumu brings kiyoomi on vacation with him

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26250040/chapters/63894739

Dysfunctional (27,175 words); their love story starts in high school, but they need some time to grow up and really be able to make this thing work

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443362/chapters/67088767

Within Sight, Within Mind (25,954 words); when kiyoomi heads to college and atsumu heads to the pro league they start Skyping to stream volleyball matches together and things progress from there

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30528402

lovin' you is a gift (in and of itself) (17,270 words); kiyoomi showers atsumu with gifts but atsumu doesn’t need to have his love bought

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30654398/chapters/75630854

didnt see this comin (6,072 words); teammates, best friends, and now roommates

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28666158/chapters/70272810

Smoke and Mirrors (48,713 words); a photo of them making out at a charity event goes viral - cue fake dating and complicated feelings

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28675323

habits shaped like you (5,314 words); domestic roommates content is the shit y’all (also I’m a sucker for atsumu being soft)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31431962/chapters/77739170

The Dos and Don’ts of Loving Sakusa Kiyoomi (15,076 words); the team has a competition to see who can get kiyoomi to smile or laugh the most and atsumu really wants to win

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843829

two pump chumps (12,646 words); kiyoomi throws their competition for most service aces leading to this very sweet fic that is mostly just porn

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760554

every action has an equal and opposite reaction (10,485 words); it takes a Calvin Klein ad for kiyoomi to realize he’s in love with atsumu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30744863

Roll On, Seventh Wheel (8,857 words); atsumu is finally kiyoomi’s best friend but now apparently every member of their team wants to be kiyoomi’s boyfriend

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26703058

Clipped To You (8,174 words); kiyoomi starts wearing hair clips and it’s kind of ruining atsumu’s life

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25675576

I Promise To Show Up (24,169 words); soulmates!au in which kiyoomi can see the red string of fate but he wishes he couldn’t

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29512401

Love Like This (12,433 words); in which kiyoomi is a college student who doesn’t want to go to a party and atsumu is his best friend who’s already gone pro and makes him go to the party

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29607435

laid bare, right there (26,690 words); 5 times they tell each other what to do +1 time they don’t need to - a love story told using alcohol as an extended metaphor

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25637944/chapters/62238292

Some Memories, We May Keep (31,552 words); moments missing from the canon in which they fall in love and atsumu contemplates the value of memories

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26609455

the affective presence of our black and white reruns (19,550 words); atsumu and kiyoomi meet at the youth training camp and atsumu wants him and they keeps meeting and seeing each other and atsumu keeps wanting even when they’re on the same team even when they’re sleeping together

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25748848/chapters/62528731

parallax error: angle of inclination (10,986 words); the story of their relationship from the time kiyoomi joins the black jackals to their first kiss as told by atsumu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26213260/chapters/63796210

parallax error: line of sight (11,642 words); companion piece for the above fic telling the story from kiyoomi’s pov

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25525333/chapters/61930975

Tale as old as time (14,448 words); taking pictures of somebody just bc you like being around them and watch to capture the moment so you can post it and brag about getting to be part of that is so intimate y’all the onsen trip in this fic took me out

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529025

golden ties, fluffy pillows and plastic wraps (14,862 words); atsumu convinces kiyoomi to attend a gala dinner with him and even gets him to coordinate their outfits so they match (y’all the other fics in this series are also so good pls read)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911892

know you better & related stories (series); they don’t click when kiyoomi first joins the black jackals but they make an effort to get to know each other for the sake of volleyball

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28847175

my first kiss (went a little like this) (6,384 words); atsumu offers to teach kiyoomi how to kiss

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883938

we call everything on the ice, "love" (series); figure skating!au in which they start as a pair then move to singles skating then fall back together eventually

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589403

three roses and a smile (19,768 words); academia!au in which kiyoomi is a surgeon and atsumu is a microbiology researcher

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25849213/chapters/62802427

Above Average. (27,498 words); kiyoomi brings atsumu home to meet his family and it doesn’t exactly go well

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28736619

gold rush (18,053 words); atsumu makes it his mission to befriend kiyoomi once he joins the jackals and he’s nothing if not persistent

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864450

This love isn’t crazy (series); their relationship chronicled by vlogs

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30734699

2AM Solace (8,999 words); running into atsumu in the laundry room in the middle of the night became part of kiyoomi’s routine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22859008

Notice (7,034 words); atsumu is the third person to find out about his own crush on kiyoomi

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25444576

The Jacket In Your Closet (8,681 words); atsumu gives kiyoomi his jacket when he’s having a panic attack and kiyoomi holds onto it for years

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190837

Confessions of a V-League Setter (3,309 words); kiyoomi has never been confessed to and atsumu intends to fix that

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637051

Intertwined (25,886 words) soulmates!au in which you body swap with your soulmate

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028369/chapters/65984323

Better Together (17,004 words); atsumu proposes with a Twinkie while he’s drunk and kiyoomi still says yes

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27912220

The Love Language of Hair Toner (6,369 words); soulmates!au in which you have a strip of hair the same color as your soulmate’s

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28464351

intervention fer yer weird obsession (5,186 words); atsumu is a little obsessed with kiyoomi’s moles

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599536/chapters/59422036

Who Could Have Seen This Coming? (16,706 words); kiyoomi invites atsumu over on impulse bc atsumu is having a bad day and it turns out kiyoomi maybe likes him and his company

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28423044/chapters/69648837

confessions (9,587 words); kiyoomi was an atsumu fanboy through high school and university and now that he’s atsumu’s irl boyfriend he can never let atsumu know his secret

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27811675

People Will Say We’re in Love (9,576 words); Twitter thinks they’re together so they try their best to disprove that without much success

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28558275

Notice (5,450 words); atsumu having dyslexia is one of my favorite things and I like this very sweet fic about it

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27074200/chapters/66106201

A Liar’s Truth (49,668 words); kiyoomi is raised to believe that gay people go to hell but atsumu’s thighs might be worth the risk

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983235

commit to memory (series); domestic fics in which they figure out intimacy with one another

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350110

On Love and Onigiri (20,595 words); au in which atsumu is an author who really wants to impress book critic kiyoomi

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757792

i’ll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) (7,612 words); atsumu draws words and shapes on kiyoomi while they do partner stretches at practice

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27386530

I wish to live in a world (24,835 words); story from komori’s POV centered on how he sees his cousin fall in love and grow up

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29106117

Touch (8,815 words); abo fic in which kiyoomi hates alphas but never really manages to hate atsumu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28437999

The Self-Inflicted Torment of Loving Miya Atsumu (28,847 words); atsumu keeps flirting with iwaizumi despite oikawa’s return and kiyoomi is suffering (also the first fic in the series is the same story covering the iwaoi perspective and it is also v good and cute)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29869011

liked and subscribed (26,470 words); kiyoomi is a camboy as a side hustle and he starts sexting one of his subscribers

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30228108/chapters/74488023

Stuck in the Sunshine (73,925 words); atsumu is a virgin with a bucket list of firsts and kiyoomi offers to help him check them off

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28620252/chapters/70148025

The Story of Us (98,234 words); after a car accident and a traumatic brain injury kiyoomi is left with amnesia and atsumu is left the only person who still remembers that they were secretly in love with each other

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24419953

liminal spaces (25,969 words); atsumu becomes fixated on his interactions with kiyoomi and has a hard time processing his emotions and

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996737/chapters/65899813

Accidentally in Lust (40,483 words); atsumu accidentally sends kiyoomi a dick pic and things spiral from there

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29303172

let me be the unspoken letters on your lips (5,975 words); college!au - they’re very open about their relationship and it isn’t their fault if no one believes them - and they were roommates!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29601684

Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels (8,638 words); look they’re both hot and painfully aware of how attractive each other are

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23393830

Brushing my fingers through those silky locks (10,452 words); washing someone’s hair to calm them down from a panic attack is a love language

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377815/chapters/66904276

today of all days (13,760 words); kiyoomi struggles with mental health and misdiagnoses but he also heals

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25397929

Miscommunicating (4,773 words); they have a fwb deal and atsumu doesn’t realize he’s in love until osamu calls him out for carrying wet wipes

https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049654

Carnaval des Animaux (Carnival of Animals) (series); au in which kiyoomi is an Olympic figure skater

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29935584

two slow dancers (6,250 words); “shut up” “make me” the fic

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225535

ink blossoms (8,186 words); tattoo artist/florist!au

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29175837

The Devil’s Trill (9,262 words); orchestra!au

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517244

Orientations in Planetary Orbits (3,813 words); atsumu and kiyoomi accidentally swap sweatshirts after practice and it sends kiyoomi into a bit of a crisis

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29318220

sakusa kiyoomi's boyfriend is who? (8,463 words); apparently kiyoomi has a boyfriend but atsumu doesn’t know that he’s the boyfriend

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814007/chapters/70667205

Pulling Gravity (30,346 words); their relationship through the years - atsumu has a pull like the sun moving kiyoomi and drawing him into orbit

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29025777

Let The Ground Rumble And Shake (2,411 words); atsumu suffers a head injury during practice

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25694983

four leaf clover (5,973 words); hyper mobility is a curse that kiyoomi has worked to turn into a weapon for volleyball

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28582266/chapters/70049214

Here Is Your Verse (15,556 words); atsumu ends their FWB deal and kiyoomi shouldn’t care but absolutely does

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26044960

halcyon (2,223 words); atsumu isn’t sleeping well but kiyoomi helps with that

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28671468

alliance (3,354 words); their fake relationship is just a mutually-beneficial arrangement until it is definitely more than that

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30406824

WHAT IN CARNATION (10,661 words); atsumu has hanahaki

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28061016

too busy being yours (9,026 words); kiyoomi has hanahaki

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921516

Terminal Curiosity (series); obviously these are porn and centered on BDSM but damn if they aren’t also character-driven masterpieces

[makesometime]

could I ask for a 33 or 38 for zoscar pls...i love the way u write them

<3 thank you so much! (I didn’t know whether to go modern!au or cracky for this one and I chose the latter)

33. “Pick me up, I wanna go home.”

This evening was supposed to be a quiet, reflective, affair for them all on the first anniversary of the final battle. To celebrate life, love, hope and the settling into their new lives that awaits now that their roles in the rebuilding are coming to a close.

And for an hour or so it was just that. Gathered in the safety of Zolf and Oscar’s London flat, they told tales and grieved their lost and thrilled in the joy at being together once more.

Then Azu broke out the moonshine.

It’s been far too long since Zolf had any dedicated time to sit and drink. His constitution won’t allow for him to get too messy but he’s definitely feeling it. Hamid’s been passed out for an hour now, bottle clutched to his chest as Azu smiles and strokes his hair while talking to Cel, who’s remarkably somehow calmer with that much moonshine in their stomach.

And then there’s Oscar.

He’s been laid out in front of the fire for some time now, hand playing at the buttons of his shirt. He gets tactile and lazy and dopey when he’s drunk, which Zolf has only had the honour of seeing a few times. Staring into the fire, he has a hazy look of satisfaction on his lovely features that Zolf, too, can’t stop staring at.

Azu clears her throat, and Zolf turns to find her with her arms full of sleeping halfling, Cel hanging half-off her as they struggle to stay upright. “I think we’ll retire, Zolf. If that’s alright.”

He nods, ignores how the whole world gives a little lurch. “There’s a couple of rooms.” He says. “First on the right has the biggest bed if you all just want to crash.”

Azu nods, and with a grateful smile corrals her drunken charges out of the room, which leaves him and his very drunk partner.

“Oscar.” He calls, watching the man’s head loll to look at him, eyes shining and unfocussed.

“Yes my love.”

Zolf smiles at the drawling tone. “How are you doing?”

Oscar shifts a little, onto his back, and lifts his arms. “Pick me up, I wanna go home.”

“You are home.” Zolf chuckles, moving close.

“Zooooolf.” It shouldn’t be charming, the way Oscar whines his name like a petulant child, but the booze is apparently making him soft.

“You want me to pick you up?” He asks. “You sure?”

“I know you can do it. You’re strong.”

“You’re twice my height, Oscar.”

“Noooooo.” He laughs, stretching his fingers out, beckoning. “Noooo not that much.”

“Gods.” Zolf sighs, taking one hand and using it to pull Oscar’s arm around his neck. “Legs up.” He says, batting at Oscar’s thighs until the man complies, and then hooking his arms around Oscar’s back and under his knees. “Alright. Here we go.”

He thanks the gods for the strength of his metal legs and the solidity of his core as he heaves Oscar from the floor and to his chest like an overgrown sack of potatoes. Oscar cheers softly and turns his face into Zolf’s chest as Zolf rearranges his weight until it’s mostly balanced.

“My hero.”

“Yeah yeah, alright.” He laughs, though his words are fond. “Silly sod.”

“I knew you could do it.” Oscar says, as they slowly move through the flat to the bedroom. “You’ll never let me down.”

Zolf lays the man down on their bed with more than a little relief. Oscar yawns, rolling over and tucking himself under the covers, already half asleep. They’ll worry about the clothes in the morning, Zolf supposes, slipping off his legs and joining Oscar, almost instantly finding himself with a drunk bard limpeted to his chest.

Within only a few moments they are both fast asleep.

[konaizumi]

A Tale of a Thousand Stars ep 3 thoughts/reaction

I have been thinking about who i’d seen wearing the boy toy shirt before and then i finally remembered that it was techno (tharntype) lol

I hope tian and tul eventually do get to go on that road trip together, just picturing the two of them seeing a bunch of cool sights and having some freedom but also the potential comedy of two rich boys deciding to drive around in a shitty van for “authenticity” and staying in motels and not coping with this very well but at the end they come out as better rounded people

damn, tian’s parents are shitty rich people and like, eat the rich and all that, but they do at least genuinely love their son which i can appreciate that

lol Joma read him like a book

tian is so cute interacting with all the children throughout the episode

god phupha’s so in love already

after seeing tian and dr nam’s interaction i would like to renew my hope that the doctor will find out about tian’s condition (maybe he sees his pills or has to help in a medical emergency or smth) and they become friends and nam tries to help protect tian with his condition (although originally when i said this last week it was under the assumption that phupha wouldn’t see his scars until much later so i guess now phupha would also be in on the secret maybe?)

i absolutely love this montage of tian bonding with the villagers, him learning how to sew from the grandma is so pure

i know he’ll get more used to rural living, but it should be a requirement that tian has a least one ‘city boy’ incident every episode where he doesn’t know how to do something (like holding the chicken)

poor tian just wants to do good for the villagers, but my son, there are safer ways to do this, pls think about your heart (and my heart)

one of the things i really like about phutian’s dynamic is that tian is kinda a bitch, and i mean that affectionately, but when phupha criticizes or teases him he bites back and his motivation for proving himself is quite often “fuck you, watch me” and i like that (so does phupha), there’s not enough bitchy bl characters out there

they have so many tender moments in this episode

tian’s not quite in love with phupha yet but he’s getting there, especially since phupha was much nicer and more tender in this ep

“i just want to talk to you” i think is my favorite line of the episode, it just has so much impact, and then tian asks what he had for dinner back at him which is effectively saying ‘i also want to talk to you’

the finger touch(TM)

i don’t  know what he’s eating but the way he eats it makes it look so  appetizing

lol i thought phupha was gonna ask tian to hand feed him when he bent down

i will never get over phupha’s shit eating grin whenever he flirts with teases tian

phupha also strikes me as someone who can flirt easily but becomes extremely flustered when people flirt back so i hope later on we get to see tian flirt back explicitly and phupha blushes too hard to respond

okay but the way phupha was actually trying to help at first then decided to make him fall, these two are such children

the parallel between the expensive sweatshirt and the traditional shirt, showing that tian is choosing life in the village

Rang has such chaotic energy and i love him

how long has tian been in the village?

i’m so happy for tian, he’s finally been accepted and found the happiness he’s been looking for

dr nam calling phupha a kid, he knows what’s up

did phupha just confirm that he didn’t like torfun romantically? pls let it be true

how old is phupha?

also it almost sounds like phupha is proposing “take this place as your home and stay here together for a long time”

yeeeees, khaotung!! finally, he’s so cute, and tian needs a friend that’s not a forest ranger

i’m not a doctor, but if he’s not even allowed to eat spicy food he probably shouldn’t be getting that drunk right? pls be careful baby

also i love everyone out the table knowing phupha likes tian and teasing him about it

so i love this whole scene where phupha’s trying to put drunk tian to bed, but for what reason did he have to have vomit on his face the whole time, why couldn’t they have wiped it at the start of the scene

but drunk tian smushing phupha’s face and forcing him to smile

okay so i didn’t think the scar reveal would happen so soon and i was kinda looking forward to tian trying to avoid taking his shirt off in front of other people and then the dramatic reveal in front of phupha but i’m intrigued to see where this goes

where’s the fan art of big black dog phupha and pomeranian tian

we love an almost kiss and intimate moment that abruptly ends when one of the characters throws up

“last night when i took you home i saw...” who wants to bet he chickens out and doesn’t actually ask about the scars

anyways, very good ep, phutian have great chemistry and it’s only going to get better, i love this show so much and can’t for next week! 

[lumiereswig]

Do you have any crossovers with/AUs inspired by "Moulin Rouge!"? I know there's a fics list page but my wifi is so stupid slow it never loads so I can never tell.

nope! srry

since u can’t load the fics page im gonna give it all to you right here boo

Lumiere discovers something new, post-curse: Matches

Plumette/Lumiere, pre-curse. Plumette growing up and Lumiere growing close. Lit By The Sun

Plumette/Lumiere, immediately after being cursed: Fire and Feathers

Lumiere meets the prince for the first time: A Showman Through and Through

Plumette/Lumiere as college kids: Modern AU that is not super great but eh i tried

plumiere in love: it’s right here for now (at least until I edit it and make it better)

here’s Scotland

“a maid that has a crush on Lumiere faking being Plumette and trying to seduce him”: hahaha this one still makes me laugh

abandoned ‘kidnapped’ fic—here

lumiere finding out plumette is pregnant: Here.

lumiere sees the baby for the first time:  Here. Aww.

“a one shot in which plumette and lumiere go on a romantic tryst about the castle in the days following their wedding 💕”:  poor cogsworth

Lumiere is the sexiest sandwich in the palace. Here.

Plumette gets sick, it’s really sad: Right over here, pal.

More plumiere falling in love here.

Tale as old as time, older than that guy, Beauty and Maurice.

garderenza backstory? here it is

So, like: what if Mulan showed up.

“can i please have a crack-shippy fic where everybody is in love with the wrong people.” Here.

figuring out how to be human again. here

lumiere/plumette body swap HERE.

“Movie night at the castle!” As you wish.

a bunch of other maids have a crush on lumiere and try to get his attention: a short fic about trapezes

“A group of poor motherless ducklings imprint on Plumette” QUACK QUACK.

“please expand on that night when Plumette and co. got drunk because of Chapeau’s brandy + wine idea…” I don’t know why I like writing drunk!staff so much but i DO

1991, MEET 2017!

What happened to Gaston? The only Gaston fic I’ll ever write, probably. Here.

He is nineteen. She is younger. Lumiere tells Plumette a fairytale. Lit by the Moon.

“How about a fic were the staff play light as a feather stiff as a board with Plumette as the board.“ what the fuck even is this game i am still confused but on y va, i guess

ATTRACTIVE FARMER MAN AND HIS TWO WIVES

Plumette’s last seconds before the curse takes hold. Laughing Still.

Forgotten. [Ongoing]

Plumiere in the rain. Quick mini-fic. I’ve Seen Fire and Rain

“quick question : how often does lumiere get sick?” Here.

“What if the day the curse was broken the staff go batshit crazy over being able to eat again so they eat until their stomachs hurt. Then Chip starts a food fight by throwing a bread roll at Cogsworth.” THIS HAPPENED?

“A dragon comes to try and eat Plumette” Lumiere is a fire-bender

“crack fic where they somehow discover theyre fictional” this one was so fun to write, lumiere picks up ewan’s scottish accent and hates it

“What about a really cute fic were Lumiere and Plumette fake being sick so they don’t have to work and get to spend the whole day together” poor cogsworth part 2  

“Who gets the weird nightmares and who consoles the other at two in the morning because they’re in tears.” Me, because I just want my OTP to have nice things. Here.

”coffeeshop au but its still set in the 18th century“ BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ROUSSEAU, THO??            

“Can you write about Lumiere throwing Plumette a surprise birthday party for her?”  hey

“Chip wants to be maître d’ someday and follows Lumière around the castle as his little protégé” he’s going to be a better one than lumiere here

“don’t think about how painful the transformation must have been for the servants" do i ever think of anything else. [the answer is no]                

“*Whispers in your ear* AMNESIAC LUMIERE”   FUCK. HOW’D YOU KNOW I LOVE AMNESIA FICS?? FUCK. ultimately one of my favorite fics. holy fuck

“*Whispers in your ear* AMNESIAC LUMIERE” part TWO, motherfuckers

“Maybe one during the curse where they can suddenly hear the soundtrack around them?“ poor cadenza

“What if somebody after the curse was broken just out of nowhere started playing the Aria. I NEED FEELS” have you thought about horrible things yet today  

“The castle has to order in pizza” adam would like to register a complaint.

“Ewan McGregor and Lumiere switching universes" here

”A water balloon fight that gets out of hand?“ SPLASH.    

Les Miserabeauty and the Beast. Here.

“Can you do where everyone is turn into a baby” ANGST

STANFOU ROMANCE

“Nutcracker AU?!” aw fuck here

“I Never Really Knew You”—Cadenza & Adam

“He Must Loathe Me”—Chapeau & Plumette

“The Sound of Her Weeping”—Garderobe & Lumiere

“Her Little Satin Slippers”—Cogsworth & Plumette

“Home”—Mrs. Potts & Plumette

“Chapeau’s Charade”—Belle & Chapeau

“Lullaby”—Garderobe & Plumette

“Cake in the Sun”—Lumiere & Stanley

“Like You Used To”—Adam & Garderobe

“Why The Beast Eats Like….That”—Chip & The Beast

“The Boy’s Hand”—Chip & Adam

“The Pink Vest”—Garderobe & Cogsworth

“Draw”—Maurice & Adam

“They’ll Never Meet Again”—Plumette & Garderobe.

“Her Beautiful Maman”—Garderobe & Plumette, in the parents AU. Also: Lumiere & Frou-Frou. Woof.

“have Belle and Adam watch batb 2017?” sure.  

“I would love to see their reaction to singing in the rain! It’s my all time favorite movies!! ❤️❤️"  🌧🌧🌧🌧SAME 🌧🌧🌧🌧

“consider the coconut” MOANA CRACK.

“Plumiere goes to Paris?” Prequel fic! [oh là là]

“thy crackest crack of all - batb but adam/belle and lumiere/plumette swap places” lumiere turns into a dragon

“so. um. amnesiac adam?“ FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.              

”Mary Poppins would be practically perfect in every way!” Feed the fucking birds

“I should have told you a long time ago.” Plumette wakes up, after their first night together. Fits into the “Lit by the Sun” story.

“This is why we can’t have nice things/you don’t see me”—right after the curse, Plumiere cope with their new forms. Angst?

“Prove It/You’re Drunk.” Lumiere had….a night of it. Poor Cogsworth, the Continuing Saga

“great comet” fic: the candle in the mirror

“I’ve been waiting a long time.” finally a happy!cogsworth fic. Tic toc.

“Batb and Frozen crossover pls“—it’s garbage                          

The whole palace body swaps. here

“What happens when Lumiere’s family wakes up and realizes they have a son at the palace?” well SHIT ! there’s a prompt

“Chapeau having to relearn and figure out how to play the violin once he’s turned into a coatrack.” Shh.

a cuisinier fic! this fandom doesn’t deserve him

“Batb and Robin Hood crossover!!!!!” fuck

“how about the castle residents plays a giant game of live clue.” Adam would like to register another complaint

Lit by the Stars. Plumette and Lumiere meet for the first time.

“belle catches a cold?” i’m allergic to fluff

“how about amnesiac belle this time?” FUCK

w o w this one’s about plumette & belle sharing plague stories

“Can you do where Lumiere and Plumette babysit Chip while Mrs. Potts is working”  cute? ??

Wedding Cake: it’s huge

“lightly read fanfiction.” RIGHT?!

“You should let them watch the classic movie Beauty and the Beast” here

“ plumette x lumière modern spies AU” here.

“cogsworth angst” YOU GOT IT dude

“Hi, could you do some fluff and angst headcanons for Madame de Garderobe and Cadenza please xx” the honeymooners

“Shalalalalala my oh my, looks like the boy’s too shy, ain’t gonna kiss the girl” has lumiere ever been shy in his life ?

“Would you care to write a drabble of the castle redoing Mrs. and Mr. Potts’s wedding because Chip found his mother’s wedding dress and was bummed that he missed it?“ oh hey unrelated: i never dated a christmas ornament  

“imagine plumiere first met AFTER they were turned into objects” um: FUCK YES.

“Batb characters in the titanic” too soon, people. too soon.

“Plumiere prompt: A whole new world! new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no. Or where to go. Or say we’re only dreaming.” ok    

“a touring theatre group comes to perform at the castle” this is more like a headcanon but it’s long as fuck so it ended up here              

“cogsworth discovers he can fly” this is so wrong, this is so right              

“Card Tricks”—Lumiere & Chip

“Coffee & Tea”—Lefou & Mrs. Potts

“Lion’s Mane”—Cuisiner & Plumette & Adam

“the characters read some of your fics and their reactions” o fuck. crack.

“Ok, but what about someone slipping Lumiere a love potion meant for Plumette??” kisses

Plumette stargazes; Lumiere dates someone else. Veronique

“ding dong we need more cogsworth- can we have something with him and mrs. potts bonding over all of their dumb kids” ding dong yes yes yes we do!

the villagers get cursed. a trash fic!!!![[[[ongoing]]]

Seating Arrangementsare! important! here.

“cogsworth sharing plumette’s first dance with her at her wedding, and…” I don’t dance.

poly garderenza/belle. i love this bullshit. i ship this

“Bonjour you wrote a fic about Luimere taking care of Plumette when she’s sick, can you write one about Plumette taking care of Lumiere? 💛💛” cough!

The First Untethered Hot Air Balloon Flight: oh, fuck.

garderenza content FEELS

“amnesiac belle?” COMPLETED, BITCHES. fucking ga w w d

“Can we have cogsworth headcanons?? Pretty please mon ami??” Dulce et decorum est.  

“Eclipse”—Lumiere & Chip

what if the servants came awake again, in modern days? Here

‘do you remember when we were human?’ Plumiere shit.

A history lesson w/Cogs and Lums. Beware the dust. Album.

 GARDERENZA HIGH SCHOOL AU !!!

“Woof”— Belle & Frou-Frou

“Fireworks”—Adam & Plumette

“Amnesiac Mrs. Potts?” Eh.

“a midsummer night’s dream au?” welcome to CRACK CITY [x]

“Plumette has a tragic, existential moment.” Pouf-pouf.

“a touring theatre group comes to perform at the castle. like some kind of magic, they can perform shows that don’t even exist yet” [x]

“I would ​ love if you wrote when Plumette and Lumiere came up with Be Our Guest” BE! OUR! GUEST

“The castle adopts a pet? but not like a cat or anything, like they get a pet komodo dragon or something” welcome to the zoo

garderenza’s glory [x]

“Flicker In, Flicker Out.” The curse takes its toll.

“Who would be into divination? the Supernatural? Spooky Shit™?” HEY THERE DEMONS, IT’S YA BOI.

“If each of the servants could write a book, what would they be about?” The Villeneuve Catalog of Literature, fresh off the presses.  [x]

“Cogsworth + Lumiere switch personalities?”  i fuckin love a good crack prompt. showgirls!

“Socks”—Pere Robert & Mrs. Potts

adam and belle meet as tiny kids

COLLEGE FACULTY AU FIC 

sad maurice fic: :)))))))))

“What do the servants do when they can’t sleep?” Shhhh.

Chip being in town when the curse strikes, here [ongoing!]

Belle gets used to the staff being, well.….human again. “New.”

“Have you ever done a role-swap where Belle was the princess and Adam was the boy from the village?“ CHIP. DON’T FUCK WITH THE TIME TRAVEL. Here.

The useless energy of haunted things. “Freaks of Furniture.” Thanks, JSTOR.

@batbobsession​ collab w/me called “One Moment”—their part is here, my part is there. The servants and the staff take a minute, right before the battle, to face what they’ve become.

“spooky prompt: What If the castle was haunted the year after belle breaks the spell…sadder prompt: What If the ghost was Adams mom…Worse prompt: or his father” THIS IS NOT THE FUN GHOST-HUNTING I ASKED FOR.

“Everyone says that Adam was under the spell ages, so what if the spell went on for 300+ years or whatever, and a woman hiking through the woods kind of went through what Maurice did with the tree being knocked over…” Fucking!!!! Granola bars!!!!!!!!!!!![x] [Ongoing.]  

How desperate I became. To erase. To unmake my mouth, my pulse. / To unlive. “The Writing-Desk.”

“So Very Different”—Cuisinier & Garderobe

“how would the staff and Belle and Adam react to some little kids from the village showing up trick-or-treating?“ Something like this, I imagine.

“Amnesiac Cadenza?” i do fucking love an amnesia ask

“During the curse, Adam begins to see ghostly apparitions of the servants’ human forms.” Dead men walking.

“Spooky prompt: A haunted house in Villeneuve.” i just want to talk to the demons!

“These Two Need More Love”—Chapeau & Cuisinier

“A piece inspired by the song, “A Shoulder to Cry On,” aka, ‘80S MUSIC FICS

“Adam, Belle + staff go to pick out/chop down their own Christmas tree……” Yule fic by me + other people! ho ho ho.

way down in hadestown

The fandom-spanning fic, involving Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, and Tulio and Miguel.

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said.” Evermore. Thanks Ray Bradbury.

“idk how she got there but Garderobe rules the world.” ❤️

“Oh! How about a story or headcannons of Shane and Ryan doing a Buzzfeed Unsolved Video at the enchanted castle in BatB?” [wheeze] (a FAVE)

“Words”—Garderobe & LeFou.

“what if someone confused the servants with the royals, cuz they dress better than adam and belle?” This happens regularly.

“Pere Robert somehow comes across a Time Turner” ⏳tick-tock⌛️

“Crackfic prompt: Belle is messing around with magic books (AGAIN) and somehow summons dinosaurs.” that’s , uh, that’s chaos theory

plumiere SNUGGLING FOR WARMTH TROPE????

“The BATB characters stumble into The Great Comet” EVERYBODY RAISE A GLASS

“So I’m reading the Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater…..” Here.

“Please give me more singing hair brush!” the fucking hairbrush. Here.

“Please can I have a bunch of adorable hcs where Garderenza are prepping Bassette for their first concert with her singing in it too” that is a hairbrush

arrrrGGHHHH, mateys, that thar be a magical pirates fic, shiver me timbers

“lumiere gets a sunburn” ouCh

“for adelle: maybe the Official Proposal?” Here.

“ what if. an amnesia fic. where they. ALL. Got. A m n e s I a“ —MY BRAND~

“Headcanons for Belle and Adam being the world’s greatest grandparents?” also known as “be a bear, grandpa!”

“Garderenza prompt: ‘You saved my life!’” oh how divine

belle keeps playing with magic and getting everybody fucked

this collab fic with @theteaisaddictive​ is done! “agathe gets amnesia”

“Whisky and Red Wine”—Lumiere and Belle have a night in.

“AU idea: As belle is leaving the second time, something stops her and she turns and whispers ‘I love you’ before running off.” Can you say “two idiots”?

“ have you ever done any asks about what you think maurice/belle’s mum’s life was like before they had belle???” I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR THE MAURICE SAD!FICS [x]

“something sweet with adam and the plumiere child.” sweet as stolen breakfasts.

“Belle messing with magic again finds one that puts the universe into reverse” this one is straight crack i hope you like it

chip is the middle man for some major lumiworth action

“A traveller stops by for directions […] by coincidence, he’s one of Belle’s *very favorite* authors.” Wow I wonder if the world’s biggest book nerd is going to handle this in a responsible manner [x]

“a man attending a ball at the palace spots plumette, and falls in love with her beauty. she receives an anonymous present of heart-shaped chocolates on her bedside the next day, and assuming they are a present from her dear lover, eats them without a thought. moments later…..” Not exactly this trope but uhhhh it’s a love potion fic babyyyyyyy

[blood-and-cigars]

More alutegra angst pls

Integra slipped the door closed behind her with a light click. She should have noticed the icy chill in the air, how the shadows clung darker to the corners of her room despite the first rays of dawn filtering inside. But she was hazy on terrible vodka. (It wasn’t even cheap, just bad) It took her a moment to register the figure standing by the window, silhouetted by the bruise purple sky. Of course Alucard was still awake.

She ignored him, instead she dropped her handbag on a chair and wrestled out of her coat— still in the dark. Ghostly fingers reached out for it, and she let them slip it from her shoulders. He was clearly trying to get some sort of rise out of her; she didn’t intend to let him.

Integra had stopped staying at the manor past sundown and so he’d taken to waking early in the day. He anticipated her return, she thought, like some trapped damsel in a tale. No, like a dog watching the driveway. Waiting always waiting with a blind devotion that she knew was unearned, and shuddered to consider how it had come about.

“My Master.” He turned to her with what she thought to be a smile playing at his lips. “You must be trying to put Walter in an early grave.”

Only then did she remember the briefing she’d missed, scheduled hours ago.

It wasn’t the first time either, she’d taken to staying away, to drinking late and working remotely in the evenings. She preferred to avoid the manor at night, and more specifically the vampire waiting in the basement for her return.

How could she have simply forgotten? She wanted to think it wasn’t like her to be so scatterbrained. Well, she supposed there’d be other briefings.

She shrugged. “He hasn’t said anything yet.” She slipped her shoes off letting them fall where they may. There was the not entirely unpleasant echo of a song stuck in her head. Whatever had just been playing on the radio. Oh, she was more than a little tipsy.

Sometimes she wondered what his hands would look like on her skin. If she rested her head on his shoulder and listened to him breathe—

No. That was the opposite of where her mind should be wandering.

“He won’t. You’re his employer.” It took a bewildered moment for her to remember what he was replying to. Right. They were still talking about Walter.

He had to be grinning. It was difficult to tell in the dim light, but she heard the mirth in his voice.

As if on cue, the lights flipped on. She blinked as her eyes adjusted. If she turned to look over her shoulder, no doubt she would see a disembodied hand— or if he was feeling exceptionally dramatic, maybe some inky half liquid mass—lingering on the light switch. She didn’t give him the satisfaction of checking either way.

“And I am your Master. Does that stop you?” She walked past him— just a touch too close, the fabric of his coat grazed her sleeve— and collapsed onto a pile of pillows on her bed.

“I wouldn’t dream of questioning you,” he said, just solemnly enough to be comical. “I merely… suggest that you be more upfront about your excursions. You don’t need to pretend you’re sneaking out.”

She scoffed. “I wasn’t. And Walter’s fairly advanced in age already. I’d say he’s had a good life.”

He laughed at that before taking a seat next to her. “I’ll let him know you think so.” His hair lifted and swayed around him in an invisible breeze, a few locks reached out to brush her cheek. Presumptuous as always.

Yes she’d been avoiding him— the curve of his lip when he spoke to her. The way, among his ever changing forms, his eyes were always the same.

Alucard was her vampire, and though he seemed casually affectionate of her, though he sought her out even when she ignored him, she couldn’t help but think that every time she indulged him she was somehow exploiting this magic that tied them together, and the various ways a mind could twist after nearly a century of captivity.

However, for this moment the tension had fallen away by the graces of exhaustion and drunkenness and she remembered how easy it was to be around him, when she didn’t consider the blood on his hands, or what it meant to be the one that controlled him.

“Why are you still awake?”

“I’d ask you the same thing. You did not sleep the night, did you?”

“No, I didn’t,” she said.

“Now tell me Integra,” he said, grin acerbic. “Is this how you intend to lead? Sneaking back inside your own home stumbling and drunk? You’re setting such an example.”

“Says the man infamous for impaling his victims.”

“Am I the moral standard you set yourself to? That’s going to end very well.” His mouth twitched but he didn’t show any other sign of displeasure at the mention of his human life. “Oh and everyone’s half convinced you’re dead, might I add.”

“Of course they’re panicking.” She sighed. “I took the car, what did they think happened?”

He shrugged. “We are so accustomed to our Sir Hellsing being married to her work. Surely only disaster would keep her away from responsibility.”

“I was tired and… I forgot. Surely you can carry on for a single day without me?”

“Night,” he said. “It’s the question of whether we can carry on without you for a single night. And I’m not sure, can we?”

“Well apparently not.” She stared at the room not quite seeing it, wondering how she could clean up this mess. The worst part was that he was right, she knew no one else would ever say a word about this.

“Integra, as far as vices go, this isn’t the worst. But it isn’t the healthiest either. Will you consider… ”

“Consider what?” She turned to him, waiting. In certain conversations with her, he always chose his words very carefully. Yet another thing she didn’t want to think about; the list was ever growing.

For better or worse she liked his presence, he’d been a constant in her life these last few years. And she suspected there was genuine fondness in the way he gazed at her sometimes; perhaps even now.

He’d doted on her since she was a young girl in a way she liked to think he didn’t have to.

“I watched your father take on this very same mantle, and I saw how your grandfather shaped it. They both struggled. Hellsing suffocates its leaders, it’s a cloying thing. When you run from it, it only becomes hungrier in your absence. ”

“Are you sure you’re talking about the organization?”

“You might balk at the sheer burden resting upon your shoulders,” he said, ignoring her half hearted attempt at a joke. “However, your time is yours, and so are the decisions. Should you choose to leave, should you choose to work, should you choose to have me disembowel anyone who earns your ire.”

He was beautiful, in his own way. So beautiful that sometimes when he knelt at her feet to gaze up at her, her heart would hurt with it. And when he did not grin and show those teeth, his face was soft and almost kind.

Their faces lingered too close for a moment and she just knew he heard her breath catch. Of course he smirked.

“What are you getting at with this, Alucard?”

“I mean, my Master, that all of us bend to your will. If you do not wish to sit in for a briefing, all you’d need to do is speak the words and there is no briefing. It’s far simpler than making yourself sick with drink. You may hold my leash more literally than most, but do not forget we are all of us at your beck and call.”

She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. “And, if I don’t want this power? If I don’t know what to do with it?”

There was no denying the fact that she was a teenage girl saddled with responsibilities and decisions she could hardly comprehend and each morning and night she wondered at her own inadequacy at handling them. She was so young, brimming with it. She nursed the slow growing wounds in her heart with more bad choices and staggered back to the manor— no it was not home— every time, feeling even more hollow than before.

“Contrary to what might often be said, there is more pain in youth. More suffering, and it will only reflect on your future. Set yourself up for unhappiness now and you’ll have a lifetime of it waiting for you. You may not want your power, but it has you. And it will consume you, if given the chance.”

She looked away, to the creeping dawn outside, and the daylight that did not reach inside her room. She didn’t know what to make of this conversation.The first year, the very first year, she’d decided that her father simply hadn’t known. Alucard was clearly a good vampire (whatever that meant) and Arthur must have been tricked into thinking otherwise.There was a mistake, somewhere along the line. There were many mistakes and misunderstandings but that didn’t matter anymore, she’d thought, because she knew now and things would be better.She’d been a foolish child. She thought she probably still was, in many ways. Unfortunately while hindsight is 20/20 it isn’t as easy to discern one’s current failings. Sometimes she liked to think of herself as a memory, as something far away. She’d sit and pretend she was watching herself from ten, twenty years in the future, which of her present choices would she be ashamed of then? Nothing? Everything?

She hadn’t noticed that he’d been searching her face, with varying signs of distress. Likely checking if he’d offended her somehow.

He’d told her before that while she’d forbidden him to take liberties with her mind, he did catch snippets of her thoughts here and there. That he could sense high emotions, even if he couldn’t unravel what exactly they were.

She smiled wanly in assurance.  “That was unnecessarily long winded, you know.”

He shrugged. “I wasn’t certain you were sober enough to keep up. Walter rescheduled the briefing for this evening. Will you attend?”

“Going out is much more fun though, don’t you think? If I’m staying in, then you must entertain me instead.” The change was subtle. She wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t close enough to touch. He went very still for a moment, and she could see something about his relaxed posture was now forced. She could’ve blinked and missed the look of sheer horror cross his face before he smoothed out his features.  

Integra watched him, confused. Had something happened? Had he sensed some disaster somewhere else? It’d just been a joke, she’d expected a half hearted smile. Another one of his silly responses. Really the question was nothing compared to the outrageous things he’d said to her before.

“If that’s what you wish, Master.” And the hollow, too steady tone to his voice made her understand.

“No.” She jumped to her feet, as if putting more distance between them would prove her point. “Absolutely not—  I’d never expect anything like— it was a joke. I was making a joke.”

He did not move for too long, that falsely pleasant expression frozen on his face.  “Are you running from me little Master? I thought you wanted entertainment. Come here, let me entertain you.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“If my Master desires my bloody embrace, who am I to deny it?” He crossed over to where she stood in a flurry of shadow. His voice turned raw, barely human. “Does it thrill you to think of all the lives I’ve taken? The bones I’ve snapped between my teeth? Or is the appeal in fucking a glorified corpse? Tell me Integra, do you aspire to necrophilia?” She flinched away from him, knocking into the wall behind her. From her eye level all she could see were his teeth. “Stop,” she hissed. “That is enough of this. Get away from me. Sit down.” “Is that an order?” He did not back away just yet, but he straightened, putting some distance between them.

“It is.”

And so he had to obey. She thought she saw his hands tremble, but then he folded them neatly in his lap. “Any other instructions for me, my Master?” Of course his tone was mocking. She raked her fingers through her hair. God knew she wasn’t sober enough for whatever this travesty was. “I have cigars in the nightstand. Give them to me.” He did as she said, but not before a disapproving look. “You’re too young to smoke.” “I thought I’d give myself a head start.” She lit one of the  cigars with an unsteady hand. It didn’t do much to calm her, she hadn’t expected it to, but at least it was something to focus on. She couldn’t quite bring herself to peel herself off the wall yet. “Well that explains the smell.”

“I was joking,” she said again.  It was not lost on her how quickly he’d jumped to that particular conclusion. “So that is Hellsing’s great legacy, is it?”

He did not respond at first, only watched her. She could tell the stillness was a thin veneer, ready to collapse at any moment. Underneath there was a depth of hysterical restlessness, or perhaps that was just how she felt herself.

“I have nothing,” he said. “Yet you Hellsings always want. ”

She thought of her father and his calm reassuring voice. Of the portrait of Van Helsing hanging in the foyer, of the stories Arthur had told her about the legendary grandfather she’d never met.

She took a deep pull from the cigar, let it out in a puff of smoke. She counted heart beats until her breath was sufficiently even before she asked, “Even my father?” But still her voice came out small, frightened.

“You mustn’t ask questions you don’t want answered.”

“Are you trying to spare my feelings?” She asked, incredulous.

Again that thin calm broke. “Fine. What would you like to know, Integra?” He all but snarled. “Your father liked his alcohol, just as much as you, and Abraham now that I think of it. It must run in the family.” His smile twisted. “ He expected drinks before bed, several. He preferred his top shelf scotch, but really he’d down an entire bottle of dessert wine if that’s all there was on hand.

“Do you know what else he liked? Young girls. Very young girls. Have I shown you my other forms before? It took some time before we settled on his favorite.”

“I’ve heard enough.”

“He was also very fond of rope, and chains. For himself ironically. And surprisingly enough that was the worst part, for me. You see I’m loathe to cause a Hellsing pain, I think it’s part of the seal. But Arthur—“

“Stop it, stop it. You were right I don’t want to know.”

“ Did you want to hear about Abraham instead? He had two identical medical kits— modified for vampires of course. One was for research, the other for—”

“Just shut up, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Is that an order?”

“Yes it bloody well is.” She shut her eyes for a moment, forced herself to calm down in the ensuing silence. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.  

“The iniquity of the father is indeed visited upon the children, Integra. You meet the eyes of your forefathers’ sin every day. Does that upset you?”

“What do you think?” She put out the forgotten cigar in her ashtray. Not much of it was left anyway, it had all but burned out.

“It isn’t my place to make assumptions, is it?”

“I’m sorry,” she said again, because really that’s all she could say. “I’m sorry for my family’s past actions, and that I made you recount them.”

“May I stand?”

She looked at him, confused for a moment before she remembered her orders. “Yes, of course. You may leave, if you wish.”

He did not stand. Instead it seemed he was slowly dissolving into thin air.

“Alucard, wait.”

“You are indecisive today, my Master.” He paused, more silhouette than person at that point.

“I will never use my power over you in such a way. And if I ever do, you have free reign to slit my throat.”

“And kill the last Hellsing? Who then will hunt the creatures of the night? Who will keep me in check? Do you intend to release me upon an unsuspecting world, Integra?”

She was silent.

“While I appreciate the sentiment, the seal wouldn’t allow anything so drastic, in any case.” He hadn’t appeared to move, but he was closer now, on his knees before her. “My first Master was far too clever for that, he thought of everything.”

“You don’t sound displeased by that.”

“He was an extraordinary man; I loved him. I loved Arthur too.” He laughed bitterly. He did not look at her as he spoke, “I embrace that which destroys me. I adore it. Do you intend to destroy me Integra?”

“No,” she said softly. Her throat was hoarse, as if she’d wept, as if she’d screamed. And maybe it was because she was still a little drunk, but she reached out, tentatively, to cup his cheek.

He tensed for a moment, before leaning into the touch. “Is that a promise?”

“It is.”

“No, it’s a pretty lie.” And with that he disappeared, leaving her alone in the morning sun, still reaching out for nothing in particular. 

For awhile after, all she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears. Unsteadily she changed into a fresh set of clothes.

Walter would be preparing breakfast, she best go down to apologize.

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[sascerides]

The Lady in the River - A Short Story

Dear Sister. 

I hope my letter reaches you alright, I wasn’t sure about the address. I don’t know why I’m even sending you a real life letter. Maybe I won’t send it after all. I just wanted to tell you about someone. Someone I met over Christmas. Someone… a little special. 

I know you’ll think I’ve gone mad. But before you pass judgement. Just know, before I start my tale, that Berlin is more crazy, than even I could think up. This city is ripe and ready to burst with all the madness and magic that lurks beneath it’s streets. You may not see it, but it’s there. And I met someone over Christmas. Someone mad and magic and much more Berlin that I will ever be. 

Everyone has their Christmas stories. You know most of mine. There’s the Christmas you and I spent together in that cottage by the sea with mum and dad. There’s the first christmas I spent alone with mum, while you were with dad, after the divorce.  And then. Then, there’s the Christmas I spent with the river monster that lives in the Spree. 

I spent Christmas with the river monster who lives in the Spree. Or, at least I think I did. 

But this is how the story ends, not where it begins. 

The story begins in August. It begins on a warm summer afternoon sitting on a bridge in Kreuzberg drinking a beer as the sun slowly crawled towards the horizon. Leaning our backs on the railing while droves of half-drunk half-high Berliners sailed past on their bikes. This is where it began. 

We sat there. A woman and I. She was from Paris. Or, she said she was from Paris. I knew her accent was fake and, when later she whispered in my ear between my sheets, her whispers were in German. I don’t know her name, but her name does not matter. She isn’t important to the story right now. The important thing is, she brought me to the bridge and we sat there. 

We drank beer after beer and the canal beneath our feet kept flowing by. And the more beers I drank the more real her French accent seemed. The more beers i drank the more I felt that I belonged in this city. That the city was mine. That I had not arrived on a plane only two days before and was still slightly jet lagged. We sat there and this is how it began. 

As the sun crept behind the buildings and the shadows got long we were joined by a local. He didn’t speak. He just stood. He was old, too old to be casually hanging out on a bridge on an August night. I don’t know if he was homeless or mad or Jesus come again. You’d understand if you’d been to Berlin, it’s hard to tell here. Sometimes it’s just a fashion statement, sometimes it’s something entirely else. But he was there. Wearing a knee-length, pink, faux fur coat. Can you picture that? In one hand he was holding one of those old midwifes' bags and in the other a curry-wurst. A true Berliner is what he was. 

This man stood on the bridge for a while and stared at the canal flowing past beneath his feet. He picked up an empty beer can and threw it in the water, ran to the other side of the bridge and watched it reappear on the other side. He got down on all four and listened to the river through the asphalt. But this wasn’t the weirdest thing he did. 

The man in the pink coat stood up, he walked to the edge of the bridge and he picked up a bit of his curry wurst gently between two fingers. Dropped it in to the water. Plop it went. And there went another. 

Plop. Plop. Plop. 

Until the entire curry wurst was gone. 

By this point, we had stopped talking and were just watching him go through his little ritual. The bridge was empty but for us. Us and him and what ever he was communing with in the river. What ever it was, it wanted more. Because he opened up his bag and took out a bottle of Radler. Opened it with his teeth and emptied it into the river. Down it went. The scent of lemon and beer drifting up towards us as it disappeared into the stream. 

Now, remember, I was tipsy by this point. Tipsy and jet-lagged. So, of course, I had to interact with this guy. I had to know what he was doing. Pouring a perfectly good meal and drink into the river. I hardly think the local ducks appreciate a lukewarm Radler, so there had to be an explanation. I got up. Swayed a bit. And walked over to him.

“Sir.” I said, praying that he spoke English. Trying not to sound too American. “Are you quite alright?” 

The man turned around and looked at me. His eyes were wild and wide and somewhat nervous. He didn’t speak, he just held up one finger as if telling me to wait. Then, he rummaged through his bag, frantically searching for something. Finding it, and pulling out a tiny flask of purple glitter, stopped with a cork. He walked back to the edge. Leaned over the railing so far I was a little afraid he was going to fall. He undid the cork, pouring the glitter into the stream. It floated on the wind for a second then disappeared from view. 

The man stood there for a bit. Whispering in German, then, he turned back to me. His face was calmer now. As if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

 “It’s for the river monster” he said “She grants your wishes”

“The river monster?” I asked “What? Like Nessie?”

“No! No! Not Lake monster! It’s a river. A river. Are you tourist?” 

“I’m new”

He smiled. Then, gently, ever so gently, put his hand on my arm. If I’d been sober I probably would have been a little freaked out. But I wasn’t. 

“She lives in the river, new one. You give her the three magic ingredients. Curry Wurst. A drink. Glitter. She will grant your wish. She is there”

“Right” I said, but something in me listened. Perhaps because of the alcohol. Perhaps because of the jet lag. Something in me thought it sounded reasonable. The man, apparently, decided this answer was good enough, because he just stumbled off in his pink coat. 

Right before he disappeared from view he stopped. Turned around and pointed at me.

“Remember! Remember new one, you may need it!” He shouted. And then he was gone. 

Now. I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably already typing out an email to me. “Becca, For fox sake.” you’re typing “A man in a pink coat tells you there’s a wish granting lady river monster living in the Spree and you believe him. I never should have let you leave”. Well. You may be right. But then, you were always the clever one. 

Anyway. That was in August. That was how it began. Now, as it happened, and as I’m sure mum told you. I got a room near Schlesisches Tor. I know you don’t know where that is, but if you Google Map it, you’ll see it’s by the river. All you need to know is, that as the autumn passed. I often found myself walking over the Oberbaumbrücke for one reason or another. To get food. To go to work. To meet a woman. You know how it is. Or, well. I’m sure you can imagine. 

I’d walk over the bridge and on most days, I’d just be enjoying the view. Thinking about dinner. Trying to avoid walking into people. But. But on some days. On some days I’d remember the man in the pink coat and the glitter floating over the canal as a girl who wasn’t French laughed in the background. 

As the season grew darker I more and more often found myself on the bridge after dark. 

In the shadows of approaching winter, lit by the lights of the city. The river looks different than it does through a haze of alcohol on an August afternoon. It moves differently. And sometimes. Sometimes. I thought I saw a shadow. A ripple. A movement under the surface. A bit of curry wurst bobbing on the surface only to disappear into the depths. Perhaps I was going mad. Perhaps it was just Berlin. Perhaps that is just how rivers behave. We never did live by a river as kids. 

Well. One dark thursday afternoon in late October I was walking down the street. I could feel the wind pulling at my coat and at my mind. I missed the summer afternoons. I missed the sun in dad’s backyard. I missed the warm winds of home. This afternoon felt darker than all the ones that came before it, and perhaps it really was. I was walking over the bridge, and in my sadness and my fatigue. I had bought myself a currywurst. Because, lets be real, in this city you don’t cook on tired thursdays when all you want to do is sleep off whatever Wednesday night left in you. 

I walked over the bridge and I remembered the man in the pink coat. “Remember” he’d told me “You may need it”. And then, I stopped.

I stood there for a bit, staring at the river. Black and deep flowing past beneath me. “Perhaps I need it now” I whispered to myself and then I dropped a bit of curry wurst into the river. 

Now, stay with me. You think I’m mad but please, keep reading sister. I swear. I swear I heard a gulp. I peered over the edge of the bridge and in the water I saw something. A shadow. A shimmer. A ripple. Something moved. I’m sure of it. To this day I’m sure something moved. 

As the winter approached and the city grew darker I got in the habit of walking over the Oberbaumbrücke and dropping a chunk of curry wurst into the spree. I didn’t put much stock into it. It just became a sort of tradition. You know how I am with traditions. 

On the days when I was lonely and sad. On days when I would have called you if my pride didn’t forbid it. On days when the city seemed dark and cold and the river was wide and black and beckoning below my feet. I would reach out a hand and “plop”. Down went my curry wurst. 

I never told you this, I know you were busy with the baby, and I didn’t want to disturb. But December was hard for me. Christmas was approaching and all through the city markets appeared. Christmas lights sprung up and the people around me got happier and more cheerful. All the while I sank into darkness. There were days when I felt fine. But there were more days when I felt nothing at all. And on most days, my insides felt like the waters of the spree. Deep and black and flowing to some unknown end. With no apparent purpose. 

I was walking asleep, smiling asleep, working asleep. And yet, I barely slept. In my mind. On some days I was on the California beaches watching the kids play in the sand. On some days I was on the bottom of the spree far away from all the noises and the stress of the city. On those days I liked walking along the canal and dropping in a bit of curry wurst. A splash of juice. Sometimes a fry. I would do that and I would stare at the black water moving past me steadily flowing with no care for me. 

I would whisper quietly under my breath “I wish someone will come spend Christmas with me”. “I wish someone will call me or send me a letter or show some concern for me”. “I wish I won’t be lonely”. And even though the waters flowed past and made no hint to hear it still made me feel better. It made me feel heard. It made me feel loved. I can’t explain it to you. I know you’re shaking your head right now. Just trust me on this. It helped. 

Now, there’s a thing you won’t know about this city from the pictures. There’s a thing you won’t know from visiting. From living here for a week or a month or a summer. You will only see the surface. The memorials and the cobble stones. The bars and the shops and the parties. The young people in their black outfits high on this and gone on that. You will see the sun shining down through the yards and the shop windows lighting up the streets. But you won’t see what lurks beneath the surface. 

The thing about this city is that most of the people in it are running away. They are all lonely and scared and in search of something. They are here distracting themselves with alcohol and glitter. With weed and designer drugs. With hashtags and smiling selfies and their amount of Facebook friends growing steady day by day. But come monday morning when they all sober up. They’re all lying in their beds in the darkness trying to find a reason to breathe. I know this. I know this because I am here. It might be that Berliners will tell you it’s not true. But some of them. Some of them know what I mean. 

Knowing this. Perhaps it isn’t so strange that an urban legend would grow from the canals of this city. That a whisper would float on down the stream and crawl along the cobblestones at night. A whisper of a river monster. Of a witch or a siren or a river spirit of sorts. Of a lady in the river. A lady who will grant you your wish.

 “Remember, new one. Remember you might need it”.

That’s what the man in the pink coat told me. And standing there, leaning over the railings of Oberbaumbrücke on a December night, half drunk. I needed it. I needed to believe someone was listening. That someone would hear. That someone would grant my wish. My wish of a hug. Of a kiss. Of a strangers hand through the Christmas. I needed to believe in the legend of a river monster that would grant my wish. At the cost of a curry wurst, a bit of my drink and a sprinkle of glitter. For a wish. I could spare that. 

So you know now how it began. You know of the beers and the bridge. Of the girl with the fake French accent and the man with the fake fur and the story. You know of the long summer afternoons and of the darkness that crept into the city and swallowed it whole. And that may all sound believable. But when you read the end, you will shake your head and call mum. You will say “Becca went to Berlin and now she’s out of her mind” “She’s imaging things” “She’s gone mad there. Mad and gay!”. But I promise you I haven’t. Well. Maybe a little bit. But this city is crazy and I am no crazier than the city herself. 

I was standing there on Christmas eve. Somewhere along the Landwehrkanal. I would not be able to tell you where. For lack of a better thing to do I’d been prowling the Christmas markets with friends drinking Glühwein all day. I’ll admit, I was trying to achieve that warm, tired drunk. The one where you can just close your eyes and sleep. I wasn’t successful.

Instead I found myself at something that looked like the Maybachufer but may not have been. Drunkenly leaning on the railing, half falling in. Everyone else had gone home. To their boyfriends or their mothers or their Ex’s second cousin. To someone who cared. To someone they cared for more than they cared for me. 

I took a bite of a lukewarm curry wurst, threw a bit into the stream, took another bite for myself and so on. I basically shared my curry wurst with the canal. I poured in my entire bottle of beer. I figured I didn’t need more alcohol. 

“You there river monster?” I said. Mostly to myself. Mostly to the night. Partly to the monster, although I wouldn’t have admitted it, if you’d asked. Then, I remembered the small bottle of glitter in my bag. A friend had given it to me as a joke, weeks ago. I rummaged through my rucksack and pulled out the bottle. Pulled off the cork with my teeth and emptied the bottle into the stream. 

In the darkness I could not see if the glitter floated on the stream. If it blew away in the wind. If it sank into the black water flowing by. I just let it flow and stood there in my haze, staring in to the night. 

“I wish” I said. Trying to remember the words in German, but ultimately giving up. “I wish for someone to spend Christmas with”. 

I stood there on the edge of the river. And then I sat down on the cold ground with my legs dangling over the edge. Leaning my forehead on the railing I think I may have fallen asleep for a second. 

It was silent. Nothing was happening. Of course. So I just stayed, for lack of a better place to go. 

I heard a splash but I saw nothing and beneath me the river kept flowing on. Gently touching the stone walls that kept it in. 

Then, someone touched my shoulder. Gently. I turned to look and saw a familiar face. I couldn’t quite put my finger on her, but I knew her face. There’s been so many girls. There are so many girls in this city. But this one I knew. 

“You look lonely” She said, and at first I didn’t recognise her voice, although I had heard it before. 

“I am” I said. “You too?”

She smiled. Stretched out her hand and helped me up. Her skin was glistening in the street lights. As if she was wet, or as if she had been crying. Perhaps it was just glitter on her face.

“Oui” She said and that’s when I recognised her. Without the French accent she had seemed a different person but perhaps that was on purpose all along.

“Come… “ She said "The rivers edge is not a good place at this time of night”. 

The Fake Parisienne is who she was, but I guess you figured that out by now. You don’t need to know what we did. I guess you can figure that out by now and it doesn’t really matter all that much. 

What matters is she took my hand and she led me through the city streets. She led me to somewhere warm and she bought me dinner. She kissed my forehead with her soft, wet lips and she embraced me in the night. 

I like to pretend I live an exciting life but, to be honest, I think we just slept. Or I did. I was so tired by then, tired and drunk and sad. I think I just slept in her arms. She held me and I never slept that well. It was as if I slept on a boat. She rocked me back and forth gently, ever so gently. Her arms around me and her legs touching my skin. In my drunken sleep I could have sworn they were tentacles but now I wouldn't be so sure. 

She woke me up in the morning and she had made me gifts. 

“You Americans, you do it like this no?” She asked. Sitting on the floor of my WG room. Her hair was wet, but I didn’t hear her shower. It doesn’t matter if she showered. I’m just trying to describe what she looked like. I know you don’t like women. Not in that way. But, she was beautiful. Her wet hair and her wet skin. Her big green eyes and her lips… Her bare legs. Well. You get the point.

She was just sitting on my floor in a pile of gifts I don’t know where came from. I really don’t know how she did it. They weren’t anything special. A box of matches. A pair of socks. A bottle of water. But they were gifts and that mattered. I don’t even know how she found me by the river or why she even cared.

I don’t believe in Christmas miracles. But she was one. 

“But Becca” you’re probably thinking. “That’s just a pretty German girl pretending to be French” You’re thinking “Didn’t you say she was the river monster?”. 

I did. I did say that. And. I don’t know if she was. What I do know is this. 

She took me with her out of the flat on Christmas day. We walked along the river and we held hands. She wore gloves and they were wet, even though it wasn’t raining. I didn’t question it at the time, but there’s something about that. I can’t quite tell what. 

She walked with me along the canal and over the bridges and then she bought me a curry wurst and she walked out to the middle of Admiralbrucke and she stopped there. 

“Thank you” she said “Or should I say… Merci”

“Thank you for what?” I asked. I was completely perplexed. And maybe a little bit in love. I’m not sure. 

“Thank you for all the Curry Wurst” She said. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world “And the glitter”

I was going to say something. But I didn’t know what to say so I just stood there. Staring at her. Staring at those beautiful green eyes of hers. At her wet gloves and her wet hair. Her hair was still wet. She must have been freezing. 

She took a step forward, put her wet hands on my arms and kissed me. Well. I kissed her back. We kissed. And then, just like that, she was gone. She was gone and I found myself standing in a puddle on the middle of the Admiralbrücke on Christmas Day as snow began to fall. 

I watched the water in the puddle flow gently over the edge and fall into the river. I watched the river flow on beneath my feet as it did back on that one afternoon in August. I watched as the snow covered the bridge and the sky grew dark and the evening crept in. 

I stood there and watched. Alone. She was gone. Just. Gone. Aside from my curry wurst, I didn’t even have proof that she’d ever really been there. 

I must have stood there for an hour. I was getting cold, but what could I do? I couldn’t just leave, could I? I was too confused. Too startled. Too alone. 

Then, someone behind me was laughing. I turned around and there was the man in the pink coat. The one I saw in the summer, remember him?

He looked at me and he smiled. Still wearing the same coat. 

“She’s not coming back” he said.

“She’s a busy lady you know.” He said. "And…” He stopped himself. Grinning. He was clearly very pleased with himself. 

“What?” I said. Well. I probably shouted. “ and WHAT, man?”

“You got your wish, didn’t you?” and then, he just walked off.

So did I. And I never did see her again. 

So. Sister. That’s the story. You can disbelieve it if you will. You can say I’ve gone mad. Or that I’m just making stuff up to get your attention. That might be. But in this city. I can’t tell you what’s real. 

This city is madness. 

Anyway. How was your Christmas?

Thank you for reading. If you want more. You can find more of my stories here.

This story was the last story of my 12 stories project in 2017. This year I’ve been inspired very much by the city of Berlin so with the last story I wanted to try and do the city justice. I’m not sure that’s even possible, but either way, I had fun.

You can read more about my 12 stories project here. Again. Thanks for reading. Feel free to share, comment, whatever floats your boat - it’s all appreciated.

The lady in the river may return next year. I’m still undecided about that. What I know for sure, is that there will be more stories.

[theyearofthestar]

[ duets ] rachel & jessi

WHO: Rachel Berry (@theyearofthestar) & Jessi St. James (@heavenlystjames)

WHERE: A Cup-pella

WHEN: Saturday, November 25

WHAT: Gobble Wobble Prompt: Karaoke Duel

rachel

While she knows that some Wobblers' aim for the day is receiving the annual shirt, Rachel doesn't much care for expanding her wardrobe. She mostly wants to hit up a couple of the bars, drink just enough to feel that tell-tale buzz, and end her day at ACup, most likely on the stage. So Rachel starts her day at The Library, wanting to support Hunter's efforts and snag a chocolate dream turkey before drinking and eating her way back to ACup. Sondheim stuck in her head, Rachel's nursing her second Turkey Lurkey and halfway through a butternut and carrot handpie when the free barstool beside her becomes occupied. Looking over the rim of her glass as she takes another sip, Rachel smirks. "I didn't realize that Warblers wobbled."

jessi

Honestly, the shirt one can win at the end of this whole thing isn´t exactly why Jessi´s out tonight. It´s a good way to hang out with friends, have some fun and dance the night away. Oh and the booze, yeah that´s definitely a plus too. Jessi isn´t one to get insanely drunk, and possibly do stupid things, but she enjoys a good drink here and there, especially if they have names as appealing “Turkey Lurkey.” She´s lost most of her friends after two hours and while Jessi doesn´t mind being by herself for a while she can´t really resist when she sees Rachel at the bar. They have a bit of a weird relationship these days, very competitive and always head on, but then there´s those times when they´re in the bathroom after the battle of the bands, unable to take their hands off each other. “Oh of course we do, it starts with the same letter after all,” She grins, putting her drink down at the bar. “Besides: I heard they´re doing a karaoke contest here in a few. I just HAD to come,”

rachel

If anyone is watching them across the room, Rachel figures they'll assume she and Jessi are bickering. It's their public persona after all, rivals on and off stage, and Rachel thinks that would likely be true if their respective professional goals aligned. But their dreams and aspirations fork off into different paths, which means Rachel truly does appreciate and respect Jessi's talent for what it is. Her voice is beautiful, stage presence perfected, and the confidence she exudes enviable. "You know April. Any excuse she has to get in front of the mic herself and she'll take it." Another sip of her drink. "Are you planning to participate as well?"

jessi

Jessi doesn´t really care what anyone thinks of them. They´ve kept up the rival personas so far, but mainly because the bickering comes so easy to them, but they never mean any harm. Deep down Jessi knows that Rachel can appreciate her talent, both on and off stage, and it´s the same for her. They´d be unstoppable if they teamed up, not just in the bathroom but also on stage. Which is mainly why she´s here at the bar, talking to Rachel. Jessi´s lips curve into a smile and she nods. “What do you think? That´s what I´m here though. It´s a duet contest and I figured we´d teach these amateurs a lesson. Besides: The price, next to eternal fame, is free coffee and food for a week here and I´m not saying no to that.”

rachel

"The Jessi St. James requesting her nemesis take the stage with her?" Rachel places her hand over her heart in mock shock, nothing but teasing in her expression and tone. "Has the underworld frozen over? Is bacon flying through the sky?" Rachel laughs then and drains the rest of her drink, a smile forming after she licks her lips. "I suppose I can set aside our vast differences if it's for such a worthy cause as free caffeine and sustenance. Plus I'm sure our harmonies will be outstandingly brilliant."

jessi

“I´m not sure about the bacon, I haven´t checked.” Jessi teases with a smile. “But the point of nemesis is that they work exceptionally well together if they have to, isn´t that so? And if I´m going to take the stage I want the best at my side. We´re going to win this thing and make everyone´s mouths hang open, gasping for more.” She added with another grin before downing the rest of her drink and placing the empty glass on the bar. “Any special requests as to what we should blow them away with today? I´m feeling generous today so I´m giving you the first vote,”

rachel

"First vote, but you have veto power I take it?" Rachel can work with that. Though April hosts karaoke at ACup three times a week, Rachel doesn't too often participate. Mondays are out due to PL rehearsals, and she's almost always working or gigging on Friday evenings. However, every now and then she finds her way into ACup on Wednesdays, and has become fairly familiar with the song catalogue April's amassed. "How do you feel about 'Alone' by Heart?" Rachel thinks the lyrics suit the post-performance past she and Jessi share, plus the melody allows for belting and notes that will surely garner the attention of the crowd and reward them with a win.

jessi

“Of course, but I trust your judgement,” Jessi replies with a small chuckle, though shes completely serious about her words. If anyone knows their way around music like she does then its Rachel, which is another reason why she’s picked the fellow brunette so sing with. Besides: with their talent and chemistry in stage they’ve got this in the bag! “See? I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me,” she grins as she gets up from the bar stool and reaches over the counter to get the sign up list. “Got one of your gold stars to add to this?”

rachel

Rachel has the decency to blush just the tiniest of amounts. Gold stars are kind of her thing, and yes she does keep a few sheets of stickers with the rest of her drum kit and music for various reasons, but, "No. No stickers on me at the moment, so my plain Jane signature will have to do." Rachel adds her name next to Jessi's on the sign-up sheet, and then turns back to her newly minted ally and smirks. "I'd suggest warming up in the bathroom due to its acoustics, but I'm afraid temptation may cause us to miss our slot."

jessi

She had meant just to tease Rachel a little bit, but in reality the whole told star thing made Jessi smiled. It was rare that someone had enough confidence to fall themselves a star, let alone carry stickers to of gold stars to their name, but Rachel had always been admirable in that department. At the other woman’s words Jessi let out a small chuckle. “Ah yes, we couldn’t risk that. Some quick warm ups before the performance will have to do,” She hen agreed. “But I’m sure we’ll nail it, as per usual. The bathroom will have to wait until after we leave everyone with their mouths hanging open,”

rachel

It doesn't take too long for April to kick off the festivities and start the contest, though she does perform solo. It's her cafe, her stage, and her rules, of course. When the other acts begin to perform, Rachel watches them with a critical gaze, commenting to Jesse here and there about areas for improvement, and ways they can make their own number shine bigger and brighter. As it nears their turn, Rachel slips off the stool at the bar and raises her eyebrows in Jessi's direction. She has no doubt that they could easily take the stage and belt out the song without the need to warm-up, but it would simply be silly to do so. Rachel wouldn't head out for a run or tackle a spin class without warming up her muscles first, and her voice, one of her many gifted instruments, is very much the same.

jessi

While they all do enjoy performing with April sometimes she´s more of a solo performer, so of course she´s the one kicking off the contest and Jessi and Rachel are watching, commenting and discussing how to make their own performance a great one. Once April is done and the first couple gets on stage Jessi follows Rachel to their warm up in one of the corners. It´s pretty basic, especially considering there´s other people performing, but it´s enough to get them warmed up properly. It helps that they both knows what they´re doing and have similar routines, so the warm up passes quickly. Once their names are called Jessi´s lips curve into a grin and she glances over at Rachel. “Ready to deliver, gold star?”

rachel

"Of course. We were born to perform, Jessi." Rachel offers Jessi a genuine smile and then leads the way to the stage. It's always a bit strange when stands directly in front of a mic and there's no instrument -- no drums, piano, or on the rarer occasion a guitar -- between her and the stand, and as always, it takes Rachel a moment to settle her hands when there's no sticks or keys before her. But she does eventually grip the mic as the music begins, and Rachel looks to Jessi to start the song. It was her idea after all, so Rachel supposes it's only right she takes the initial spotlight.

jessi

„Truest words ever spoken,“ Jessi replies with a smile. She had always know that she was born to perform and entertain and for Rachel it’s the same. Maybe that’s why they gravitate towards each other so easily. She smiles again as she grips the mic, swaying along to the music as she waits for the lyrics to show up on the screen. It’s not like she needs them, really, but they’re good for the timing. Jessi glances over at Rachel then, her smile softening. 

“I hear the ticking of the clock. I'm lying here the room's pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight. No answer on the telephone. And the night goes by so very slow. Oh, I hope that it won't end though... Alone.”

rachel

The melody crescendos into the chorus and Rachel's voice takes over as she belts. "Till now, I always got by on my own." She sucks in a another breath and nods at Jessi to join her for the next line, "I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone... How do I get you alone? How do I get you alone?"  

It really is a shame that they split their respective talents on two different teams because their voices harmonize beautifully, and Rachel can tell that those within the cafe agree as well. Patrons that had been lost in their own conversations, or busy eating food or tossing back drinks are now watching them move on stage as the second verse begins, and this time, Rachel takes lead. "You don't know how long I have wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight." Playing off their chemistry, Rachel steps into Jessi's space, singing directly to her. "You don't know how long I have waited, and I was going to tell you tonight." Turning back to their gathering audience, "But the secret is still my own, and my love for you is still unknown... Alone."

jessi

Jessi listens to Rachel´s voice, her eyes glued to the other woman as she sings and when she finally joins in for a line her lips are curved into a smile and she feels that familiar spark ignite between them. For once there was no rivalry between them, and as much as Jessi enjoys their bickering she finds this quite interesting as well. She finishes the chorus and lets Rachel take the lead for a while, keeping her eyes on the Brunette as she sings, grinning when the other woman steps into her space. Jessi stays where she is, tongue darting out to lick her lip before she draws in a breath and sings again. “Till now I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone. How do I get you alone.” She sings to the audience and then turns to Rachel, now it´s HER turn to step into the other´s space, a smirk on her face. The audience is long under their spell and boy, they´d most definitely have this thing in the bag. “How do I get you alone?” Jessi belts out the last note then, grinning still. “Tell me Miss Berry,” She speaks into the mic, “How do I get you alone?”

rachel

As the crowd applauds, Rachel raises a knowing brow in Jessi's direction. She's feeling good, great even. There's just enough alcohol coursing through her veins that Rachel feels warm, relaxed, and giddy rather than tired, and the continued clapping of ACup's patrons only serves to feed her ego and level of satisfaction. Well, most of her satisfaction. Replacing the mic in its stand, Rachel does a short bow and points in Jessi's direction, and then once the clapping has died down, moves to exit the raised area of the cafe's stage. Once they're out of earshot of most of those mingling around, "I think you know exactly how to get me alone, Jessi. It's never been a problem after previous performances."

jessi

The whole question has been more for the show than anything else, because Rachel is right: Jessi knows exactly how to get her alone and she´s positive that tonight isn´t going to be any different than the usual ones. Apart from the fact that this time, she´s buzzing with excitement more than she is with adrenaline. Usually they sing in opposite bands, battle against each other, and while that´s exciting as well it´s an altogether different feeling to be singing together for once. She takes her own little bow, enjoying the applause as the small crowd goes wild. They definitely did tear the house down, there´s no denying that, and it´s extremely satisfying. “Mhm…true.” She grins as she moves back towards the bar. “There´s about 6 more couples ready to sing, that gives us approximately 15-20 minutes before we can collect our prize.” She then adds, giving Rachel a wink as she moves towards the bathrooms.

rachel

After watching Jessi walk toward the cafe's restrooms, Rachel decides she should linger by the bar for anothr handful of seconds. She doesn't think they've ever been obvious before, and doesn't want to risk drawing attention now. When a suitable time has passed, Rachel confidentaly follow's Jessi's path. She enters the bathroom without a word, strides taking her directly to the last stall. It's almost old hat by now, the routine of knowing that the door is closed but unlocked, that Jessi's waiting. Opening the door just enough to slip inside, Rachel promptly closes and locks the stall, and then turns toward her, in this instance only, partner rather than rival. "I for one believe we deserve a victory lap for that stellar performance."

jessi

It´s always like that, but Jessi has to admit that it hasn´t gotten old yet. Maybe it should have, and maybe that´s an alarming sign, but she really doesn´t mind. Not when she feels her stomach fluttering at the simple thought of Rachel joining her. She freshens up her lipstick, for good measure and because she likes the idea of smearing it all over Rachel´s own lips and maybe her neck too. The prospect of having sex in a bathroom, no matter how clean April keeps it, really shouldn´t get her this excited, but here she is, lips curving into a grin as she hears the bathroom door. “Oh I think we do,” She then replies, pushing Rachel back against the door, her own lips only inches apart from the other woman´s. “I think we did excellent. Blew them all away with one shot,”

rachel

Rachel grins. "Well saying it as such only has me wanting to hum some Hamilton," she teases at first, "but I believe there are better things we could be doing..." The with their mouths is implied, and though Jessi is already close, Rachel wraps her fingers in the front of her shirt and pulls her that much closer. Leaning forward, her lips ghost along Jessi's jaw, teasing and tempting Jessi to chase her lips.

jessi

“Oh you know, you humming a bit of Hamilton might just turn me on even more,” Jessi replies with a grin, her voice barely a whisper as she lets herself fall into the feeling of having Rachel close again. It feels like it´s been forever since they´ve done this, when in reality it hasn´t ( of course not ) and she smiles, taking in the familiar scent and frame as she chases the other´s lips for a moment before capturing them with her own. She feels her lipstick smearing onto Rachel´s lips and her smile gets a little bigger then, one hand gliding down to the other woman´s hips and beneath her dress.

rachel

If Rachel's eyes weren't already closed they'd be rolling as she feels Jessi's lipstick smear. They never mark each other since marks can lead to questions Rachel doesn't wish to answer, so it always seems like Jessi's lipstick is a loophole and her own way to leave but a brief reminder of the brief time they've shared. Breaking the kiss, Rachel's hand snaked into Jessi's hair directs her mouth to her neck. Rachel takes the moment to breathe and then comment, "You're not wasting any time, are you?"

jessi

So maybe Jessi´s found her own, unique way of marking Rachel as her own, even if it´s just for a couple of minutes. It´s nothing that make up wipes can´t solve, an item they both always carry in their purses, but for now she can pretend that Rachel is hers, even if it´s just for the duration of another duet going on outside. She smiles as Rachel directs her to her neck then, placing a few kisses there and leaving some more lipstick. “Mhm…I`m not throwing away my shot,” Jessi then can´t help herself, a small chuckle falling from her lips before he leans in closer again, teeth lightly scraping across the soft skin on Rachel´s neck.

rachel

A laugh from deep within leaves Rachel's parted lips, though the third chuckle is swallowed up by a gasp and then an accompanying moan. Rachel's neck has always been sensitive, and today is no exception as jolts of electricity buzz from her neck, down her spine, and to her toes. It causes her hands -- one still in Jessi's hair and the other at her hip -- to tighten just so, to silently show how the touch affects her, and ultimately to encourage Jessi to continue.

jessi

Jessi loves knowing that her touches affect Rachel, because being as good of an actress as the other woman is it sometimes gets lost in their everyday conversation and rivalry. But this? This is different, it´s just between the two of them and Jessi makes sure to file away every noise and movement Rachel makes. She bites down on the other´s neck again, a little more forceful this time, a small moan slipping from her lips as Rachel´s had tightens in her hair. Jessi lets her hand trail a little higher then, fingernails scraping over Rachel´s inner thigh.

rachel

With each kiss to her neck -- and now a bite! -- Jessi steals more of the air in Rachel's lungs. She's breathless by the time she manages to puff out her demand in regards to Jessi's hand that's taking its time to travel along her thigh. "Stop teasing. You and I both know we don't have much time."

jessi

“Mhm...” She grins as she slips her hand even higher, pushing up Rachel’s dress in the process. “But you and I both know how much I love teasing you,” they are both rather good at it, really, but Rachel is right, they only have a limited amount of time, so Jessi hooks her fingers into Rachel’s panties and pulls them down, hand slipping between her legs,  lips finding her neck once more.

rachel

Teasing is something they do best, isn't it? It's part of their unconventional 'friendship' where they blur the lines between friends and rivals, parallel counterparts. There's always a give and go, see how far they can push one another in a direction before the other bites back. They've learned their respective limits and how to press each others buttons in the worst, and at present the best of ways. A soft, "Fuck, Jessi," fills the space around them, Rachel's answer to Jessi's continued attention at her neck and now between her legs. She'd maybe be embarrassed that she's as wet as she is, but Rachel's never shied away from the fact that performing and talent's a turn on.

jessi

At this state Jessi is quite glad that she knows how to push Rachel´s buttons, because there´s nothing hotter than her arch nemesis falling apart under her touch. ( And yes that might sound a little more dramatic than it really is, but the two of them have always been about the drama and why should that ever change? ). It´s a good thing that there´s singing going on outside, because Jessi would hate to tell Rachel to shut up. She enjoys the sounds the other woman is making and she really wouldn´t want to miss them. She bites down on Rachel´s neck, lips forming a smile as she pushes two fingers in easily, “Look at you…so ready for me…”

rachel

"Don't leave a--" But Rachel's chastisement is stolen as Jessi enters her. Grip tightening once again, Rachel uses the leverage to resituate her stance, not trusting her knees not to go weak, but also to give Jessi better access. Her hips pick up the rhythm of Jessi's strokes, and after she refinds her words, Rachel admonishes, "Don't let it go to that head of yours. If it inflates anymore you won't be able to exit this bathroom and claim the prize."

jessi

A small chuckle falls from Jessi’s lips and she stills her hand, pulling back to look at the other woman. “Want me to stop?” She hen teases, “Because my ego is getting too big?” She’s teasing again, of course, and maybe they cant help themselves with that. Jessi captures Rachel’s lips with hers then, in an attempt to take her breath away a little before moving her fingers again, thumb shifting to run over the other’s clit.

rachel

Oh, two can play that game. "If you stop, I'm never following you into a bathroom again, J." It's a teasing threat, and an empty one at that, because as long as they're both single and down for having a bit of post-performance fun, Rachel won't turn the attention away. Because really, that's a bit of what this boils down to. They both feed off talent as well as the associated attention. Jessi hits a particularly sensitive spot that makes Rachel's pulse pound in her ears, and she gasps, "There. Just like that. Don't you dare stop what you're doing, Jessi St. James."

jessi

Jessi smirks and if they had a bit more time she’d tease Rachel a little more, but she wants to get off too and besides: she wants to hear Rachel Mutter her name when she comes and possibly soon please. “What would you do if I ever left a hickey?” She muses as she keeps moving her hand again the other woman, picking up the pace slightly while her lips attach themselves to Rachel’s neck again.

rachel

"You wouldn't dare," Rachel starts, but then Jessi reattaches her lips to her neck. She's not sure if it's simply more teasing, or if Jessi is pushing and testing their set boundaries. Between each thrust of Jessi's hand that pushes her closer to the edge, and the sensitivity of her neck, it's all Rachel can do to choke out her next words. "If you do that, I swear I will walk right out of this stall and leave you without an ounce of relief."

jessi

She wouldn´t leave a hickey, not now anyways. Maybe if they weren´t about to walk back out there to claim their prize ( because Jessi simply knows they´ll win ), because she enjoys the thought of leaving a mark on the one and only Rachel Berry more than she lets on. For now she focuses on working her fingers into the Brunette though, lips curved into a smile. “Oh, so you´d be mean,” She teases as she moves her lips down to Rachel´s collarbone and presses her fingers in a little deeper, thumb still rubbing against the other woman´s clit. “Good thing I´m being nice and not naughty today…because I enjoy getting off WITH you more than I do alone…”

rachel

"I'm not me--" Rachel attempts to protest, but Jessi pressing deeper within her steals her words as she's forced to suck in a quick gasp of air. Rachel forgets all about her need to refute Jessi's comments, her focus now singularly on the spot Jessi's fingers nudge with each stroke. Colors begin to burst behind her now-closed eyes, and Rachel knows she's but a few well placed touches away from winning a different kind of prize. And since Jessi talents don't stop on stage, it's only a few more moments before Rachel's burying her face in Jessi's neck, muffling the soft cry of the girl's name.

jessi

The teasing is nice, and Jessi enjoys it to no end, but there´s nothing that beats the fact that she can make Rachel Berry fall apart. She knows Rachel probably feels the same way when Jessi´s a whimpering mess against her and that brings her some comfort. They´re both competitive, ambitious and very proud, but most of that disappears when they´re together. Though Jessi does take pride in what she can do with her fingers, and her mouth for that matter. She smiles then, keeping up the motions with her hands as he hold Rachel against the door and carries her through the orgasm, a shiver running down her spine at her own name falling from the other´s lips.

rachel

Rachel's thankful for the extra weight of Jessi's body, the press against her own that keeps her upright in the stall as she momentarily basks in the afterglow and uses Jessi's close proximity to tip her chin and chase her lips. Rachel deepens the kiss immediately, the embers of the fire still within her fueling her desire as she regains her footing and presses into Jessi.

jessi

Jessi supports Rachel´s weight, lips curving into a smile before her breath is taken away by the other woman´s kiss. She enjoys the kiss, letting herself get lost in it for a moment. They still have time before they´ll be announced as the winners and Jessi is going to enjoy every minute she gets to spend in here with Rachel. Surely, it´s not the most glamorous place to be, but it´s…exciting, it always has been, and it feels like it´s taken straight from a tv show and Jessi can´t deny the appeal of that.

rachel

With newfound strength and now leverage on her side, Rachel continues to surge forward and eventually flips their positions. There's a bit of a wicked, wolfish grin on her face when she has Jessi's back pressed against the stall door. She's essentially at her mercy now, and oh how Rachel wishes time was on her side as she'd like to return Jessi's previous teasing, but hearing the audience outside the door clap once again, Rachel knows that any extra time they do have is rapidly waning. 

"You're lucky we're running short on time," Rachel begins, her lips ghosting along the ridge of Jessi's ear before her teeth capture the lobe in a gentle tug. Released with an audible pop, Rachel presses a kiss to the hollow behind her ear and then continues, "Because otherwise I'd plan to tease you until you were a shaking mess."

jessi

Jessi lets Rachel flip their positions, a grin on her face as she´s pressed up against the door. She likes this maybe a bit more than she´ll let on, but since no one´s ever going to know it doesn´t really matter. She doesn´t miss the wicked grin on Rachel´s face either and she feels a spark ignite between them once again. It´s always there, really, she can feel it when they argue or sing or whenever their personalities clash and sometimes it ignites a fire between them, like right now. “Mhm…what a pity.” She comments, though the grin on her face stays in its place, a small moan escaping her lips as she feels Rachel´s lips against her ear. “Maybe…next time?” Jessi then adds, hands coming to sneak around Rachel´s waist and up her back, fingers fisting into the fabric of the dress.

rachel

Next time? "We'll see." Rachel's grin remains, because while time might not be on her side, that doesn't mean she can't tease with words. And her mouth. Her lips follow the line of Jessi's jaw, tongue and teeth gently marking the path as she goes. One hand twists into the skirt of the Jessi's dress, freeing the fabric from the other path Rachel's tracing, the one along the inside of Jessi's thigh before pressing against the woman's damp underwear. It does something to Rachel to know she has this affect on Jessi, and she wastes no time brushing aside the fabric and slipping her fingers through wet folds.

jessi

“Sure.” Jessi laughs, a little breathless now that she can feel Rachel´s hand tracing up her thigh. She knows it´s coming, and the anticipation is almost as good as the actual feeling of the other woman´s fingers between her legs. Jessi moans and turns her head, pressing kisses to whatever part of Rachel´s face she can reach while her legs move apart a little more, giving the other woman more space. “Fuck…” She whispers, hands fisting deeper into the material of Rachel´s dress and Jessi briefly thinks that they need to smooth that out before going back on stage, but then that thought flies out the window and she focuses on Rachel again, specifically on her lips and hands.

rachel

Rachel's kiss against Jessi's neck transforms to a smile. She smirks against soft skin because Jessi, a woman of many words and precise diction is reduced to a single curse, an expletive at her touch. Oh, how Rachel enjoys that control, even if it's fleeting. Easing two fingers into Jessi, Rachel quickly finds a rhythm they can settle into. It's always easy, just like it was out on the stage. Musicality, of course, helps, but so does their chemistry.

jessi

It´s what Jessi likes about this so much, there´s no awkward fumbling or not knowing where to put hands or lips. They know each other inside out when it comes to this and it´s so easy to fall into a rhythm they can both enjoy. She moans again, bucking her hips up against Rachel´s hand, head falling back against the door. She can forget that it´s not the most glamorous spot to be doing this, and that they could probably be somewhere else having sex, like a bed for example, because what matters is the way Rachel makes her feel. “Yeah…like that…” She urges the other woman on, feeling the heat pooling in her stomach as she lifts her hands to Rachel´s face, pulling her up for a kiss.

rachel

Rachel (often literally) marches to the beat of her own drum, but she'll take Jessi's direction in this instance. If what she's doing is working for Jessi, Rachel's not about to change a thing. Not the pace of her hand's thrusts or the angle even as Jessi pulls her in for a kiss. And that connection is telling, too, another indicator besides the fluttering of Jessi's walls, as each stroke of Rachel's fingers drives her closer to the edge.

jessi

They do keep their rivalry up Heere, in between the walls of the bathroom, but it’s a different kind of rivalry, softer and more teasing. Jessi doesn’t mind, not when Rachel makes her shiver like that, her moans swallowed by the other woman’s mouth. „Fuck...yes...“ she whispers, the kiss becoming more forceful as she pushes back against Rachel, stars beginning to explode behind her closed eyelids as she tumbles over the edge.

rachel

Rachel assists Jessi with riding the wave of her pleasure, her fingers gently pumping until she's sure each tiny spasm, each after shock of the other woman's orgasm is complete. Still close and pressed up against Jessi, Rachel's mouth finds her ear once more. "We're very good at this whole duet thing, J," she teases and places a parting kiss to Jessi's cheek. Then, sure that she can stand on her own, Rachel takes a step back and helps to smooth out the wrinkles in Jessi's dress before turning her attention to her own outfit.

jessi

Jessi lets out a small laugh at the other woman´s words, nodding slowly once she´s come back to herself. "Mhm…our harmonies are hard to beat.” She then replied, glad to be able to stand on her own again. She has to admit that she misses Rachel being pressed up against her and chasing the other´s lips already, but puts it to the after glow. “And now we´re going to get a prize for it,” She adds with a grin as she smooths the rest of her dress down and picks up her bag, pulling out some make up wipes, handing them to Rachel. “You´ve got a bit…of lipstick on your neck,” Jessi smirks.

rachel

Of course she does. Of course Jessi left a mark in her own way. With the wipe in hand, Rachel reaches around Jessi to flip the lock on the stall. She squeezes past Jessi and then settles in front of a sink and mirror, eyeing the color blotched along her neck and smeared at the corners of her lips. Carefully Rachel dabs and blots, removing any trace of the dalliance shared.

jessi

Jessi smiles to herself as she lets Rachel pass, fixing the rest of her dress before slipping out of the bathroom stall herself. She moves up behind Rachel, pressing a kiss to the back of her neck, grin still on her face, before settling in next to her to check her own reflection in the mirror, fixing her hair. „So What are you going to do with the rest of this oh so wonderful night?“

rachel

Rachel's not sure if she's quite able to conceal the shiver that tingles along her spine at Jessi's brief closeness and parting kiss to her neck, but she does her best to look unaffected as she moves from checking her face to primping her hair and making sure each strand is curled and tucked in a way that doesn't scream bathroom stall quickie. Humming, Rachel considers her answer. She could swing by her mom's, find out what she's slated to bring for tomorrow's dinner, but even that would be a short visit. "I'll probably stick around here for one more drink," or maybe she'll take a pastry to go. "And then head back to Brooklyn." A beat. "You? Big plans tonight, Miss St. James?"

jessi

Jessi smiles still, because she’s well aware of the effect she has on Rachel, mainly because she would have reacted the exact same was had the roles been reversed. She doesn’t say anything about it though, because she’s still feeling the afterglow a little and there has been enough teasing for tonight. She finishes fixing her hair and make up before leaning against the sink, looking over at Rachel. „Not really, no.“ She then replies.  „I’ll probably stick around for a drink too and to bask in the afterglow of our victory and then head home, maybe going to watch a classic to fall asleep too. I haven’t watched a good Barbra movie in a while,“

rachel

"Barbra?" Rachel grins into the mirror, catching Jessi's eyes in the reflection. "Is this your attempt at trying to entice me to come home with you for an encore?"

jessi

Jessi‘s lips curve into a smirk as Rachel catches her eyes in the mirror. „Maybe,“ she replies. „Or maybe I just really enjoy watching Barbra Streisand movies late at night,“

rachel

"Well if you were to invite me," Rachel returns Jessi's smirk, "it actually wouldn't be a movie and chill situation at all. Barbra is serious business in our family." They celebrate Barbra Day after all. "And I promise I do not get distracted when she's gracing a screen or stage with her presence." Another round of applause sounds from the other side of the door, and Rachel perks up. "I think that was perhaps the last performance on the list."

jessi

Jessi let out a laugh, „Oh trust me, I’m very aware of that.“ She then replied. „How about Audrey and chill then?“ She let her make up wipes slide back into her bag, zipping it up before pushing the strap over over shoulder. The applause interrupted their conversation and Jessi nodded, giving Rachel a smile. „Seems like it. And once again we’re right on time,“ she adds before pushing the  door open, waiting for Rachel to come along.

rachel

Pausing just inside the door, Rachel catches Jessi's eyes and then nods. "Audrey and chill. It'll be a nice way to celebrate our deserved win."

jessi

„Good,“ Jessi replies with a nod, secretly glad that this wasn’t the end tonight. Usually they keep their endeavors confined to the bathroom, but she’s a little tipsy and enjoys Rachel’s company and skills way too much to just let it end here. At least for tonight. „Shall we then, Miss Berry?“ she asks, smirking as she gestures for Rachel to return to the stage so they could claim their price and eventually head to Jessi‘s place.

rachel

"Thank you, Miss St. James," Rachel winks as she passes by Jessi and heads back toward the bar knowing that this won't be the end of their dueting or winning for the night.

[thatgirlfromwindsor]

92 Tag!

I was tagged by @roleplayingexo, my lil love

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (20 ppl ur funny)

THE LAST: 

1. Drink: Iced water to go with my cookie bc I’m lactose :c 2. Phone call: I think my auntie. She wanted to talk to my dad or something. 3. Text message: My cousin :D I think I was asking her to steal a baby for me

4. Youtube Video (this was fked when I got to it so imma just do my own…): My girl Taylor Nicole Dean

5. Time you cried: Yesterday. I was talking to Mel about my hypothetical dead bird dying because it outlived me and got sad and didn’t understand why I was gone and I broke

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Boy I haven’t even dated someone once r u kidding me 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: :’) I’m a boyfriend virgin and a kiss virgin I feel personally attacked 8. Been cheated on: See above 9. Lost someone special: My puppy was run over by a car the other day. That effing sucked. 10. Been depressed: I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor and I don’t really have sad periods or anything. I don’t think I have serious depression but sometimes a girl just wants to d*e ya feel me lmao  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: *sigh* I’m a drunk virgin too. I have gotten tipsy before tho (my first time drinking and it was soju smh the inner koreaboo strikes again :////)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Pastel pink, mint green, coral pink/red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes! I started uni this fall, so I’ve met loads of new people :) 16. Fallen out of love: I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love. I did unbias Minseok though. All the merch is a lil awko taco now. (Still loaf him, but Jongdae owns my heart n soul now uwu) 17. Laughed until you cried: Today. I was reading a confessions post from my uni and o lor d 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah. It sucked 19. Met someone who changed you: @universitykpop when did we meet again lmao 20. Found out who your friends are: ?? Who knows all of y’all could be snakes and I’d be none the wiser 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: See above for further explanation 

GENERAL 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Almost all of them. I have Mel on there and some distant family friends or something 23. Do you have any pets: I had Chocolate but I had to leave her behind in Vietnam when I came home (technically I only babysat her for a lil bit but she was my puppy and I cried when she died) 24. Do you want to change your name: Yes. My last name is stupid and in the wrong language. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I just had a small get together with friends. We chilled, played jenga, gossiped, the usual 26. What time did you wake up: Today’s a saturday so like probs something dumb like 11am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching animal videos 28. Name something you can’t do: Not cry during an argument I’m a lil pussy 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Like 2 hours ago before she went to bed 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I got into working out so I wasn’t a fat out of shape slob

31. What are you listening right now: My songs of the moment are Babe by Hyuna, Forever by Exo, Kokobop by Exo, p much all of Exo’s discography. I slide in some Pierce the Veil and All Time Low too. They’re rad 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Most likely?  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My makeup is nearing the end of it’s run but 1) I spent a lotta time on this look and 2) I’m lazy to wash my face (I’ll post a pic if any of yall are interested) 34. Most visited Website: Loncapa :’))))))))) Fuck me up chem

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Nope! 36. Mark/s: Beauty marks/birthmarks by my eye, on my arm, on my back. They’re not moles though. They’re very much flat. I have some scars on my hands from stupid things like getting cut on coral and shit 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be an author. I thought I loved writing but I guess biomed was always my true calling 38. Hair colour: Black 39. Long or short hair: Long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yeah and the bitch’s name is Kim Jongdae 41. What do you like about yourself: I think I have pretty lips. I like my eyes 42. Piercings: Just my ear lobes but I’ve always wanted a nose piercing or a double helix 43. Bloodtype: No idea but according to an old wives tale I’m an O type 44. Nickname: I like to go by Vivi on here, or Viv sometimes. Mel likes to call me Weimoney :’)))))))))) 45. Relationship status: Single af 46. Zodiac: Pisces 47. Pronouns: She/ Her 48. Favourite TV Show: Go Fighting! I used to be really into the Flash, I really like Orphan Black too 49. Tattoos: Nada 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: I don’t think so. My parents thought I was dead when I was born tho so who knows what the doctor did to me 52. Hair dyed in different colour: I’ve tried! My hair is a really really dark dark black colour. I’d have to bleach it and I don’t wanna fuck with that at home lmao  53. Sport: I like jogging sometimes. I’ve tried to pick up yoga 55. Vacation: I loved loved loved China. I visited Xiamen recently and I love it so much. I feel so at home. Also Grand Cayman. It’s beautiful there (my heart goes to all of those affected my the hurricanes. Stay strong!) 56. Pair of trainers: (does this mean sneakers or runners???? I don’t get your foreign slang Jess) I like my converse. They’re my babies. I have a pair of Free Runs tho. They look really good with skinny pants.

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I ate a cookie bc I skipped dinner oops 58. Drinking: The same iced water 59. I’m about to: Do some chem hw 61. Waiting for: My next trip to NR to I can justify blowing all my $$$ on Exo notebooks 63. Get married: I would love to. It requires that I’m in a relationship first though… 64. Career: Med school is the dream. It’s a big dream and a big ambition, but I hope with hard work and perseverance I can make it a reality. I’m not sure what I want to specialize it, but I’ve always found reproductive endocrinology super interesting. 

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: I love hugs. Hugs are the greatest. They make me feel warm and loved. No experience with kisses

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. Eyes hold so much expression and history.

67. Shorter or taller: Both! Kyungsoo and a smol lil cutie patoot, and Channie is a tol giant full of love and cuddles. Both could take me any day

68. Older or younger: Older. I can’t imagine being with someone younger at this point in my life

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I just want my boothang to be happy and healthy. Channie bear pls don’t starve urself abs aren’t worth it bb :((((

71. Sensitive or loud: I don’t know what this means but if it means what I think it means than kinky sex

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I’m a massive piece of shit with social anxiety so you know what who fuckin knows at this point

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: SEE ABOVE ONCE AGAIN HOLY HSIT 75. Drank hard liquor: I’ve had soju so it’s like half vodka? I’ve tried a berry alcohol (it’s native to Vietnam and super hard to come by) that’s 40%. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I lose my sunglasses on my face. I’m a failure 77. Turned someone down: Possibly? I’m terrible at reading signs. 78. Sex on the first date: I feel personally attacked at this point. No first dates ever :/ 79. Broken someone’s heart: That would mean that someone would be interested in me…  80. Had your heart broken: Yes 81. Been arrested: Nope. I’m a good girl 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Nada

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Meh. I guess so 85. Miracles: Yeah 86. Love at first sight: I believe in lust at first sight. I don’t believe that you can truly fall in love with someone before meeting them 87. Santa Claus: Nope 88. Kiss on the first date: Sure, why not? A kiss is just a kiss 89. Angels: I like to think so, yeah

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: @universitykpop is it sad if I say you? 91. Eye colour: Brown 92. Favourite movie: Rush Hour. It’s a fave of mine. Brings me back to the good old days :’)))

Tagging: @universitykpop @penseuls I have no other friends oops. If you see this then I tag you too!!! And tag me in your responses. I love reading them. Haneul I dare you to do this all in your bullet journal (might as well get some content for your blog)

[aqueenpromised-blog]

AYO ANOTHER MASTER TAG

I saved these tags separately because one lovely human bean, @rhysfcyre , tagged me in everything ten hundred years ago so I’m finally getting to of course ♡♡

THE LAST  1. drink: cafe con leche  2. phone call: my best friend 3. text message: my best friend  4. song you listened to: Touch My Body by Mariah Carey  5. time you cried: last month so much but I can’t recall a more recent time  6. dated someone twice: fuck no  7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. been cheated on: yes  9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes ??  11. gotten drunk and thrown up: one fucking time it was very anti-climatic I woke up felt sick and threw up in the bathroom then went back to sleep

3 favorite colors

12. black  13. off-white  14.  light brown 

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: kinda  17. laughed until you cried: yes 18. found out someone was talking about you: no ??  19. met someone who changed you: yes  20. found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: not on my Facebook anymore  general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them  23. do you have any pets: yes, my little fat cat  24. do you want to change your name: no, i use to because for some reason people can say my name right but i’m over it  25. what did you do for your last birthday: my old friends and my ex threw me a surprise birthday party at the park that was cat themed my ex even wore a cat onesie  26. what time did you wake up: 9.00 AM 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleep, I took my melatonin and went to sleep  28. name something you can’t wait for: I’M LEAVING TO NEW YORK NEXT MONTH FOR DRAGCON I’M GONNA SCREAM  29. when was the last time you saw your mom: next question ♡♡ 31. what are you listening to right now: She’s Learning to Roll!  32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no  33. something that is getting on your nerves: anything when I’m hungry I turn into a monster 34. most visited website: youtube  35. hair colour: black  36. long or short hair: long 37. do you have a crush on someone: hahahaha, no  38. what do you like about yourself: I’m pretty chill  39. piercings: septum, tongue, cartilage, surface triages, and  first and second lobes 40. blood type: A positive, I think ? 41. nickname: Nachita ♡♡ 42. relationship status: single ♡ 43. zodiac: Aquarius  44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: ash vs evil dead, twin peaks, tales from the crypt, and american horror story 46. tattoos: none yet  47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: three years ago in my ovaries to a remove a cyst  49. piercing: please refer to above  50. sport: hahaha                51. vacation: I usually I don’t go anywhere crazy but I’d love to go to Europe  52. pair of trainers: I got some good semi new ones from goodwill :D  MORE GENERAL 53. eating: i don’t think i’ve had anything yet  54. drinking: agua  55. i’m about to: redo my tumblr theme and then clean  56. waiting for: my best friend to wake up  57. want: to get a second job                                                                                           58. get married: at this point probably not gonna happen haha  59. career: I’m pre-med right now but I’m not sure if that’s what I really want  WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: kisses  61. lips or eyes: lips 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant  HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no 70. turned someone down: yes 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: yes 73. had your heart broken: yes 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yes DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: yes 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: nope 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: nope  82. angels: no  OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: jackie  84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: that’s so hard: Sleepaway Camp, Bride of Chucky, Silence of The Lambs, Evil Dead 2, The Conjuring series, Pans Labyrinth, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory 1971

APPEARANCE:

I am 5′7″ or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing ( i have multiple ) 

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

There is something I would change about the way I look

PERSONALITY:

My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin

I am an introvert

I like meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges ( it depends on the challenge lol ) 

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

Fandoms are my #1 passion

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favourite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIP:

I’m in a relationship

I have a celebrity crush

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year (if this is past tense)

I have been in a relationship for at least a year

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CDs

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages fluently 

I have made a new friend in the past year

rules: put your top ten favorite tv shows below, and then write your favorite female character, favorite male character, and otp from each show and then tag ten people. 

1. ASH VS. EVIL DEAD 

- Kelly 

- Ashley 

- Amanda Fisher and Ash ( I don’t know their ship name )

2. TWIN PEAKS 

- Kimmy and Donna 

- Agent Cooper and  Deputy Andy ( fight me I do what I want )

- James and Donna or Andy and Kimmy 

3. AMERICAN HORROR STORY 

- Sister Jude Martin and Cordelia Foxx and Marie Laveau 

- Kit Walker and Liz Taylor 

- Kit and Alma ♡♡

4. BIG BROTHER 19

- Elena

- Paul 

- Mark and Elena 

5. DOCTOR WHO 

- Donna Noble 

- Matt Smith 11th Doctor 

- Rory and Amelia 

6. RUPAUL DRAG RACE 

- Katya Zamolodchikova and Trixie Mattel 

- Bianca Del Rio, Alyssa Edwards, and Bob TheDragQueen 

- Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck ; Katya Zamolodchikova and Trixie Mattel 

7. Friends

- Monica 

- Chandler 

- Monica and Chandler 

8. Orange is the new black

- Poussey and Alex

- HAHA NEXT QUESTION PLS

- Poussey and Taystee 

( I don’t watch that much television so i’m gonna end it here D; )