#who never gave him anything but validation comfort support trust and acceptance

[loki-us]

Are you dense or something?? Why are you acting like Loki learnt affection from Mobius like????saving Jane and all? Loki had been overly and openly affectionate with Thor for all his life and it only became weird from Thor 1 all the creators and actors have been very vocal about it, he cared about thors friends and protected their lives. Y'all really weird and just want to make everything about your ship when it's not.

I completely agree that deep down Loki has always had empathy and affection for Thor and those he cares about! I made a post on that here where Loki risks his life to save Jane and I mentioned some of that in the tags. I think Mobius’ impact on Loki was to give him freedom—to allow Loki to express his feelings, to show his affection, to be vulnerable and open in ways that he had previously only been taught were weaknesses. In 2x4, Loki talks about how Thor had been changed by Jane and how, at the time, Loki mocked him for becoming ‘weak.’ Because that’s what Loki had learned from Odin. He learned that he would only be worthy, he would only be good enough if he could achieve the throne, if he was seen as powerful and strong by others. When Loki tried to please his father by getting rid of their sworn enemies, it still wasn’t enough for Odin and Loki was cast aside for it. I think Loki never really knew how to express his affection and care in a way that wouldn’t lead to him being abandoned or looked down upon. Loki was taught that the only way to become powerful and worthy was to show no vulnerability, as he says in 1x1, the “elaborate trick” to inspire fear and control. He had absolutely no examples of how to show affection and still be respected for it.

Then when Mobius came along, he truly showed Loki how to trust and be open with another person, to show vulnerability and affection in a healthy and supportive way. Mobius told Loki ‘I see who you pretend to be but I know what parts of yourself you’re hiding and therefore I know you can be good.’ Mobius showed Loki that he didn’t need a throne to be worthy, he doesn’t need to pretend not to care to get others to look up to him, he can be gentle and he can trust others and those people will trust him back. Besides Loki’s mother, I think Mobius was the first person that believed in Loki’s goodness and gave him that freedom to express who he really is. Thor said multiple times that Loki could be better, could be more, but I don’t think even Thor ever really expected Loki to change. I think Loki’s interactions with Mobius gave him that freedom he never had to become gentler and more open throughout the series than he had a chance to be in the movies.

It’s true that I don’t think Mobius taught Loki how to care about people, I think Mobius was ultimately the first person that allowed Loki to just be, to express his trust and friendship without any expectations or judgement. Mobius transformed Loki’s views on how much someone is allowed to show of themselves and still be respected. Mobius said ‘you can trust me, you can be yourself, you can show me gentleness, and I will never mock you for it.’ I just don’t think Loki ever had anyone like that before and he never learned how to express his care before he met Mobius. Even if you don’t think they have romantic feelings for each other, Mobius clearly had a transformative impact on Loki’s sense of self, which Loki displays in his affection toward Mobius and interactions with other characters going forward.

[stoneworldsimp]

what’s mine is not yours —a request

platonic senku x reader

warnings: swearing, anxiety, talk of insecurities and worries, gender dysphoria

your name!

your name!

YOUR NAME!

your hands slapped to your ears, eyes shut tight. i can’t take this so early in the morning.

the voices from your dream had lingered longer than you would have liked. it reminded you it was time to face another day, to endure another long long day and night of hearing the wrong things.

maybe if i went and lived on my own again…i wouldn’t have to deal with it—no. senku needs me. he needs me…what does he need me for again? you rolled onto your stomach; your pillow rustled as you flopped it on top of your head. he doesn’t need me. i’d rather be lonely than hear everyone say some bullshit about me.

everyone in the village knew you as a miss. yuzuriha made you more neutral clothes upon request, but everyone assumed you were tomboyish. luckily, no one read more into it; it was nice to dress comfortably, but it was like no one else understood. why were they still calling you a girl? and the older folks, you knew they meant well! but you couldn’t help but feel like their constant “sweet girl”s were making fun of you at this point.

i can’t do it, i can’t do it, they’re making fun of me right now, as i think. as i exist!

you felt a tear trickle down the side of your nose.

oh, you’re kidding. crying? again? is this—

a knock on your door halted your thoughts; you quickly flipped back and sat up in your bed on the ground of your hut, and wiped your face quickly. you lightly slapped your cheeks to stop yourself from continuing crying.

“yeah.”

“it’s me. can i come in?”

senku’s voice brought some sort of relief; personally you felt it was better for him to come in at such a time than anyone else.

you took a deep breath. “sure, but i just woke up. i’m staying under my blanket.”

senku laughed behind the door. a small shove was made and it opened, revealing a quite chipper senku. he liked to come early in the morning when the rest of the village was quiet.

his smirk faltered once he saw your face. you believed you hid your crying well; you didn’t think to check your red eyes or stinging cheeks.

“what’s wrong?” he asked, his words much gentler than when he asked to come in.

damn. how could i not realize i was so obvious?

with a deep breath, you whispered, “senku.. we’re pretty good friends, right?”

he snickered. “of course we are, way more than that asshole gen.”

his voice was closer. you laughed as well, and wiped your eyes clear. he slowly walked over and sat down on the floor next to you. senku was looking at you, really looking at you; it was intense, almost if he was making sure his closeness or anything about his presence wasn’t bothering you.

“okay…i’m about to say a lot of stuff. let me know if you need me to explain more, or if i’m talking too much. or—“

your words halted as senku put a hand on your shoulder, a smile light on his face. “all ears.”

you smiled back softly. “okay. so—back in..our time,”you gestured between the two of you with your hands, “i told my family and friends i was, uhm… nonbinary. like i don’t feel male or female, i use they/them pronouns; all that good stuff. still feel that way now. and, for quite some time, they didn’t believe me. not in a direct ‘you’re lying’ way, but more of ‘i don’t understand it therefore you shouldn’t understand it’ type of thing. i got a lot of shit from people who weren’t my friends, too. but with my friends’ support and getting more confidence after coming out, my parents were able to kinda see it. but yeah, it took quite some time. probably like.. eight months? even then, i had to remind them constantly, ‘not a daughter. please don’t call me she or he. please don’t call me a woman.’ but we were getting there. and right when we got petrified, right when it happened, i saw the look on my mom’s face.

“we were talking about me and my identity and it was like something had clicked in her brain. like, she knew exactly what i meant and how i felt when i said what it meant to be nonbinary. i don’t even remember what i said specifically, but i remember her expression as if she were standing in front of me right now. i was so hopeful i’d see her again, her expression got me through my petrification and even helped me break out of it. but of COURSE, i didn’t ever see her again after i woke up. and then i almost lost my own sense of self after being by myself for probably a year.. i was under the assumption i’d never meet another person again, so when i did run into your village—i had this gross feeling of dread. and i realized it was the same feeling that basically lived inside of me before i came out.”

you sat up straighter and looked away from senku. “it’s like, i have to rebuild my identity all over again. people always say you shouldn’t care about what other people say, but i can’t help it. i’m a sensitive person. i get hurt easily, no matter how hard i try to thicken my skin. they all, they all just use ‘she’ and ‘her’ and ‘that girl’ so often, it feels like they’re making fun of me, like they’re constantly telling me i’m not who i say i am. and i can’t tell them senku, being nonbinary was confusing for so many people in our time, i hardly believe they’ll understand it now. sure, my parents were fine, but it took a while before they got it. i can only imagine how long it’ll take for everyone here.”

senku was quiet. have you over explained yourself? was it too overbearing? in all honesty you’d only been good friends with senku a short while; you should have waited at least a little bit longer before letting him in on something so personal—

“it all, it all kind of makes sense now.”

huh?! “what?”

“what you told me, i think i get it now.”

you gave him a look up and down. it was possible, but you didn’t think there was much of a chance that senku would be so..cool with it. not right away. you expected some form of silent treatment for at least a day or two, so he could collect his own thoughts.

“i’m gonna say something, and i need you to listen. yeah?”

you stared at him like your brain short-circuited. what the fuck is he gonna say to me.. oh god, he doesn’t wanna be friends anymore. but he’ll be too nice to kick me out of the village. but it is his village—

“hey, hey…are you with me?” you both sat facing each other now, and his hands rested on your shoulders.

just hear him out. “yeah. all ears.”

he smoothed your shoulders with his thumb. “you’re just as valid as everyone out there. i know you’re scared, but believe me when i say they will not be mocking you in any way. sure, it might take a while for them to understand, but theyre not going to give up just because they dont get something right away. it took me a few months to fully convince this village i could help them, and even then, there were still a few who didn’t fully understand the experiments and contraptions i made until a while later. i know that isn’t the same as your situation… but what i’m trying to say is that they will try their best to know you, the real you. they aren’t going to mock you; if anything, they’ll have lots of questions to ask you.

“also, you have me, you have gen to help out in case you don’t have the capacity to answer everything yourself. i’ve a few things about gender before the stone world, and gen definitely knows a lot of things that are relevant to it as well.

“everyone here… they’re all so eager to learn, i highly doubt they’ll be unaccepting. they’ll be curious. and they’ll be happy you’re letting them in on something that is so important.”

tears had made their way down your face and on your clothes halfway through his mini-monologue; you didn’t notice him continuously wiping them away until he was finished. “it’s going to be okay. trust me.”

with a quiet sob, you pushed yourself into his arms for a hug.

“thank you.”

you knew he wasn’t particularly one for any type of physical contact, but he gladly accepted. for the occasion, he thought. his arms slowly wrapped around your slightly shaking body as you tried to calm down. neither of you spoke for a few minutes; only your soft sniffles were heard in the hut.

“senku, i think that was the most i’ve heard you talk about something that wasn’t directly related to science,” you laughed into his neck.

he laughed back. “i had a lot saved, since there were moments i could tell you were kind of uncomfortable. i didn’t want to force you into talking about it either, so i just waited. tried to figure out what i was going to say. it had to be good.. you are one of my closest friends, after all.”

both of you embraced each other a little tighter. “i hope all of this helped, i want you to live here with none of those worries. especially after so many months of having it bottled inside.”

you nodded in response.

today.. today will be the day i tell everyone not to use what they used to call me; that won’t do at all anymore.

today, i’ll tell everyone my name.

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[nctsjiho]

Relationship with: NCT 127

Click here for: NCT 127, NCT U, NCT Dream, WayV

Taeyong:

Original contender of getting JiHo’s current room, but gave it up because she has a lot of stuff and spends more time in the dorm than he does

Is such a dad

Doesn’t show much affection towards her and vice versa, but there’s this mutual respect towards each other

Not the first person JiHo goes to when she has something on her mind, but she knows she can trust Taeyong with her heavy problems

They used to look super awkward around each other, but now they are the type of friends that can just sit in silence together doing their own thing and it not feel awkward at all

Very wholesome interactions

For example, Taeyong once lost a bet during one of their NCT Daily videos and had to clean up at the end. JiHo stayed behind and helped him clean up while talking about how fun the video shoot was. It looked so natural and NCTzens were so happy to see them together like that

Taeil:

Another dad

The person JiHo goes to for validation when singing

Either he or Doyoung is there when JiHo has to record a singing part for a new song (honestly she’s an amazing singer but is just really afraid to sing because of some past trauma ㅠㅠ )

Just like Taeyong doesn’t have many interactions with JiHo on camera, but together with the hyung line he is definitely a stable support system for her

JiHo is a sucker for great vocalists and there may or may not be a video of JiHo wide-eyed and with a dropped jaw listening to Taeil sing

Gets flustered a lot because of JiHo

She never misses a beat when getting the chance to praise his singing or volunteering him as a tribute to sing during a variety show

Calls JiHo his cute dongsaeng that doesn’t tease him too often

Johnny:

Brings out the chaos in JiHo, but in respectful amounts

JiHo is extraverted but quiet, so he tries to bring out her social side

The one that tries to get her to talk during variety shows to give her more screentime

Thinks she’s cute but would never say it out loud

Have a kind of brother-sister relationship

JiHo talks a lot to him in English

Takes her to excercise a lot

When he started boxing more and she tagged along once, he really enjoyed it

But then she started going more often and sometimes alone, and now the members blame him for taking her in the first place because they are worried she might get hurt

Doyoung:

Loves that JiHo doesn’t tease him too much

It’s a nice change from his other dongsaengs ahmm... Heachan *cough*

Contrary to popular belief are actually very close

Doyoung spent a lot of time with JiHo before his debut, and when he found out JiHo was going to be part of NCT he started learning her their choreos or helped her with singing

One of her “singing coaches”

More like moral support than anything, because she is a good singer he only needs to tell her she’s doing great

They can get quite sassy with each other

When Haechan comes to annoy him, JiHo dips and it breaks his heart every time

“I don’t wanna become another one of Haechan’s victims, you’re on your own Love”

Puts a lot of trust in JiHo and is against babying her too much, because he knows she’s a very strong person and doesn’t need it

Yuta:

When he found out JiHo spoke Japanese he was excited

When he found out JiHo was half-Japanese he was even more excited

Now they almost only converse in Japanese

He’s very protective of her

Is even careful with having the members around when JiHo is feeling down

The first to find out when small things are bothering her, bigger things she usually keeps to herself until someone notices and pries it out of her

Loves her publicly

JiHo is like a small puppy that he needs to take care of

He will cling on to her whenever he can even against the managers protests who want to avoid controversies a.k.a. dating rumours

Loves Yuta as well and often wants to partner up with him in games

Actually, she always wants to, but for the sake of keeping things fun they change every so often

Jaehyun:

Got sad when he wasn’t part of the ‘Guys who are really pretty/beautiful’

JiHo is a bro

“Yo bro!!!” “My man!” “Wassup dude!”

When they hang out JiHo becomes a whole bruh girl and the fans love it

International NCTzens want Jaehyun to talk English more and JiHo is the reason he does

People call them brothers a lot

He’s more clingy and “cutesy” with the male members than with her XD

She feels sooooo comfortable with Jaehyun to a problematic extent

SM even had to tell her to act a little more lady-like after hanging out with Jaehyun for a few weeks over Chuseok

JiHo doesn’t like watching TV that much, but Jaehyun always seem to pick out the good series and that’s why he’s the only one that gets to watch Netflix with her

Best bros <3

Winwin:

She melts~~

Has a soft spot for Winwin (like everyone else does) but isn’t overly affectionate and he appreciates that

Was awkward with JiHo for a while, but then she started learning Chinese. He noticed how much effort she put in to become accepted in NCT as the only girl. Now he doesn’t feel awkward anymore

He looks up to her because she’s so hardworking

Share a lot of cute fan favourite moments, usually where they are in the background of videos or vlives laughing together

They spent a lot of time practising dances together and said he’d like to dance together with her for an NCT Dance video

Jungwoo:

Loves the girl

It’s mutual

She gets really embarrassed around him though because he teases her and makes fun of her a lot, but he never crosses a line

Is part of the  ‘Guys who are really pretty/beautiful’ group alongside Renjun, Jaemin, and Doyoung

Really proud of that and makes fun of Jaehyun (and the other guys) for not getting chosen

JiHo said she fell in love with Jungwoo when he dressed up as a girl during the 2018 Halloween video (this made people believe that JiHo was actually lesbian or bisexual, but in this house, we do not assume gender or sexuality since JiHo has yet to speak up about it)

“Jungwoo’s visuals are... wow...”

JiHo is one of the only people that can make Jungwoo blush and she doesn’t even try!

He said JiHo’s just a cute person outside what people usually see from her

Mark:

Little-big brother

JiHo makes him laugh almost as much as Haechan or Johnny do

Helps her with rapping and is the person JiHo reaches out to when she wants validation with her rapping

Spent a whole night with her in the studio after she had a mental breakdown when she kept messing up and the producer told her to come back the next day

They never talk about it and no one else knows (that’s what they thought but Taeil and Doyoung do know. Of course they respect JiHo’s privacy and never bring it up) but he’s always there for her before or during she records her rap part when he knows she’s nervous or stressed out

“Dude!”

“DUDE!”

If Jaehyun is JiHo’s bro, then Mark is her dude shut up I don’t make the rules

They talk in English a lot as well, JiHo actually helps him out with his Korean at times

Haechan:

TEASE

The biggest piece of sh-

But we’ve been knew

Thinks JiHo is a great singer but never says anything, because he will not show her his soft side for her

Knows JiHo isn’t the best reader and while he usually makes fun when the other members mess up when they read, he’ll never make fun or laugh at JiHo

The first and only time he’d done so, he saw how her smile faded and it broke his heart so he never did it again

Instead, he’ll volunteer to read instead of JiHo whenever possible and she appreciates it a lot

Doesn’t believe that JiHo is technically younger than him

Believes in treating everyone equally, so if he didn’t tease or annoy her enough during practice, promotions, or video shoots he’ll annoy her at the dorms

Barges in her room whenever he wants to  and after an hour of annoying her or “ruining” her Vlive, he will just sit on her bed and play on her switch or his phone for a few hours

[7wanderingpaws]

Captain Bucheon 01

(gif is not mine)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader (Lee Nari)

Genre: policeman AU; enemies to lovers AU 

Warnings:  langauge

A/N: First chapter! Yay! Super excited! Also, the feedback I got for the prologue - THANK YOU SO MUCH. Im super excited and happy and grateful. Hope you will enjoy this one! ^^

story masterlist masterlist

: prologue

>>>First<<<

Loud screeching was what woke you up. Thundering of footsteps down the corridor made you groan and turn in bed because for god's sake, it was Saturday morning and they just had to be loud at 10am!

Your roommate, lying in the bed just four feet next to yours, stirred awake too, though considering her eyes were fully open, she must have been up for a while now. “I’m glad it’s them waking you up and not me.”

You sighed and managed to smile but you were tired. Life in dormitories sucked, but yours even more so since you were assigned probably the worst dorms in the campus. Having to share bathroom and shower rooms made you leave your comfort zone. But finding toilets in the terrible state you did just purely horrified you. Why weren’t some girls flushing the toilets?!

“You know very well I won’t kill you if you wake me up, Yuyeon-ah,” you mumbled, your voice hoarse. Having Yuyeon as your roommate was the only positive aspect of the dorm life. Some would argue it’s the most important one but you were selfish and you wished you had a private bathroom like the other, more advanced, dorms had. There wasn’t even a kitchen where you could cook your ramyeon deliciously!

“Doubtful,” muttered Yuyeon, amused, and she moved to sit up and start her morning routine while you decided to lie around for just a little bit longer.

Working tirelessly many evenings made you tired and the exhaustion always caught up with you during weekends, where, frankly, you didn't have work. Also, it being the beginning of your second semester, the tension and stress were on but you decided you wouldn't let it affect you too much. You have had enough stress in your entire life and you swore you would become your usual cheerful self.

And you had been, indeed, working on it. But that meant getting over, and hopefully, forgetting everything that happened almost one year ago. Your brother was still in prison and your family, terribly disappointed and in pure shock at what had become of your brother (plus your underage drinking fiasco), you all decided it would be better for you to move to the dorms for the time being. Another story was forgetting about the person who was behind the entire turn-over of your life.

Byun Baekhyun.

You never saw him after that one time he came to your high school. In that moment, you were numb, paralyzed and it hurt to see him. He dared to act like he cared. But over the time, you grew hate towards him. A hate that was weirdly combined with some emotions you really didn't want to pay too much attention to, because they were all based on a fake relationship. A relationship, that was something so beautiful, just for it to end up becoming a complete nightmare. A trauma. A terrible trust issue that you might never be able to get rid of.

It was safe to say that you, Lee Nari, would rather spit at Byun Baekhyun than ever start a conversation with him let alone acknowledge his presence were you to meet him. Not that you were expecting to meet him. After all, you had been incredibly careful - especially around Oh Sehun - in avoiding him by never-ever-ever-ever even coming as much as close to the street where the main Bucheon Police Station was located (but too bad for you; it was literally in downtown Bucheon) and even if you had to cross it, you whined and had to be dragged by your wrist (by Yuyeon). On the good side, there was never a chance for you to cross his apartment building as he lived in a different neighborhood. So that was, thankfully, out of the possible trouble inducing locations’s list.

But still, you couldn't help feeling anxious about spotting him somewhere. The first few months, you might have been looking around with too much hope, wanting to see his real self instead of the ogling at the few photos you had together stored in your phone. Just one glance of his eyes, nose, lips was what you wanted; it was maddening.

Then the flashes of that day came back, ruining every sweet memory, every sweet touch of his engraved into your skin, every stroke of his lips - it all vanished, instead morphing into his stern, burning gaze of which you were on the receiving side. The way he blamed you, the way he wanted to arrest you, and then the way he wouldn't let even your own mother hit you yet he gave you the harshest of punches… The moment of you overhearing his conversation with his tall colleague (you already forgot his name) until your entire world crashed on you. He lied. He never liked you. He never wanted a real relationship with you. He used you to get to you. Byun Baekhyun wanted to arrest you and then he arrested your brother and smashed your heart into tiny pieces. How could you ever recover?

“What, you're not getting up?” shrieked Yuyeon when she came back from the bathrooms, towel hanging around her neck. “The results of the votes are today so you better get up and prepare. You're the school's star, missy,” she grumbled and went over to her table, continuing her complex skin-care routine.

Right.

The way to get over Byun Baekhyun was to live and you could do that thanks to your friends.

Pfft, you had places to be. Forget about Byun Baekhyun.

><

Because of your communications major, you somehow ended up in the university’s student council. You were representing your school year but it was still unclear how the hell you managed to win over more than half of your classmates when all you ever did was hide or be with Yuyeon.

You entered Bucheon University with pretty damaged self-esteem, your cheerful self still recovering from the scandal. However, despite always doing something mischievous with Yuyeon neither of you had a huge circle of friends. It was only natural that the two of you did everything together. Even now, it was mostly you and her, plus Sehun and some other friends.  Unfortunately to you, many males voted because of the nature of your chest. The quiet girl with huuuge boobs, they were saying with hushed voices.

“Don’t pay attention to them, it’s you winning at the end of the day,” advised Yuyeon at the time.

So when the both of you waltzed into the seminar room with a round table in the middle and took seats (Yuyeon was there for your moral support), you could only glare at one senior who was sitting opposite you, his eyebrows wiggling as he  shamelessly drunk in your chest which was, as per usual, hidden under an L-sized hoodie. It seemed you could never escape.

When the president of the student council, Chul, appeared you all stood up and bowed to him respectfully even though he was a student just like you. He was the oldest though.

To your surprise, he walked straight over to your chair, throwing a charming smile at Yuyeon, who let out a quiet scoff in return, before leaning down to whisper in your ear, not forgetting to touch your shoulder gently: “May I have a chat with you? It’s rather private.”

When he leaned away, you blinked twice but nodded and followed him outside for a moment. You could hear whispers erupting after you left though you paid no attention to them.

“What is it, Chul?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest. Chul was one of the very few who never got distracted by it and you were thankful. He helped you a lot in your first semester, like finding you a job and teaching you how to drive a scooter so that you could easily do the deliveries while introducing you to some other interesting people on the campus.

“So about the spring festival - I have two things,” he started, his gaze set on your eyes, always making sure he reciprocated the eye contact. “First, you are taking part in the relay running for our team with representatives. Second, you have been requested as the MC-“

Before he could finish, you sighed holding out your hand to stop him, feeling the nerves kick in, not even paying attention to the first news. “Those votes aren’t even valid. They are all mocking me, Chul. Besides, I don’t wanna do it.”

Chul let you finish, patiently nodding. “Well, hence me stealing you from the meeting.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been requested,” he repeated, emphasizing the last word, “by our main star.”

“I thought we haven’t heard back from the agencies yet?” you asked. You’d written countless emails to various agencies, asking for special famous idols of theirs. To your utter distaste, it also included Siamsa but you couldn’t tell anyone you knew what an annoying, fake bitch she was.

He shrugged. “Well, we heard back from a couple. Siamsa agreed to be the main star of the festival under one condition,” he murmured, lowering his voice. He pointed his index finger at you. “If you’ll do the MCing for her.”

That left you speechless. That delusional woman wanted what now?! “I don’t want to, Chul,” you shook your head, frowning.

It made you wonder why you were getting nervous in the first place. Was it because of her status and having to stand in front of your entire school or was it because of the connection you both shared and that was Byun Baekhyun? Just the idea of having to face her and having to be reminded that she dated your ex made you weirdly sick in your stomach.

He sighed, scratching his neck. “I’m sorry, Nari, but I’m afraid I’m gonna want you to accept it. She is the hottest idol out there and everyone wants her the most. Imagine the attention our university - and especially us, the school council, could bring in. Don’t let us down,” he added gently, though you could sense authority in his voice. Chul was always fair, you had to admit. He never asked you to do anything that made you uncomfortable, never asked you the reason for your reluctance in the past but now he insisted and it showed in his intense gaze.

“I’ll help you with the preparations,” he added, smiling encouragingly. “You’re much more outspoken and talented than you give yourself credit for, so I’m sure you’ll be a star just like Siamsa.”

Well, he really didn’t have to say that last sentence. If there was someone you wanted to be like, it was your good old self. Of course you had more talent, after all you were the big-mouthed one.

Chul patiently waited, seeing that you were mulling over the options. When you looked up at him, you slowly nodded while hating yourself. “Fine. I’ll do it. But-” you stopped him from smiling widely, “what happened with the original voting? Who won?”

“Obviously, you.”

You shook your head quickly. “But I mean who is the actual winner?”

“Not important,” he muttered, brushing past you. “Let's head back inside. Not everyone has the time to sit around waiting on a Saturday.”

><

Once the meeting was over, you couldn't wait to spill the news to Yuyeon but needed to wait until lunch time, when you would meet Oh Sehun. You had sent him a text earlier asking if he was still grabbing lunch with you and Yuyeon (secretly you were writing these messages for obvious reasons - you couldn't risk he would be with Baekhyun). Since he had agreed, you and Yuyeon were speed-walking to the cafeteria, both of you hungry.

Once sat down and joined by the tall friend, you looked around varily just to make sure he really came alone. 

Sehun sighed, tired with your dramatics. “I'm alone, Nari,” he rolled his eyes as he was mixing his tuna bibimbap. “And now spill. The both of you have been acting like rabbits on energy drinks.”

Shooting him a frown, you still rambled away for ten minutes, telling them what had happened. Yuyeon knew about Siamsa and your past experience with her and Sehun also knew the vital triangle connection of Siamsa, Baekhyun and you. He still seemed shocked and even uncomfortable when he heard your entire story.

“What made her request you?” he asked after he swallowed a big chunk of food. “I mean - does she even know your name? Your university?”

“And you literally met her a year ago,” added fervently Yuyeon, deep frown wrinkling her forehead.

Just like your friends, you also had many questions but no answers. Mulling over various possibilities, Sehun finally spoke up: “Should I ask Baek-”

“No.” Your answer was abrupt, but cold, empty and harsh to which Sehun winced the slightest bit. Even hearing his name made your heart race fast and hence the sudden cold behavior. Sehun knew you as a cheerful, kind girl so seeing you being affected by his friend to this extent made him quite perplexed but nothing he wasn’t used to by now. It was his fault; he should have known better than to bring him up.

Yuyeon shot you an unsure look but this time, you ignored it, focusing on shoving around the rice in the steel bowl with the spoon.

“You should have declined,” tried Yuyeon.

“I did decline,” you answered eagerly. “I feel like that bitch might have something up her sleeve. If she does, I should be ready.”

Sehun was flicking his gaze between you and Yuyeon, thinking over your words. Surely, things you didn't know about could hardly hurt you, right?

After lunch, Sehun bid his goodbyes to you.

“Where are you off to?” you pouted, looking up at him with puppy eyes. “It’s Saturday, let’s do something fun!”

“I’m going to the running tracks today with my friend,” answered Sehun and ruffled your hair in amusement to which you pulled back and away from his sneaky hand. “Maybe later, hm? I bet you’re gonna do something with the student council anyway.”

“You and your running, aish!” grumbled Yuyeon. “Go, go, we don’t need you anyway.”

“Don’t get into trouble!” Shouted Sehun as he turned to walk towards the gymnasium and the track field. He waved one more time before he had his broad back on you.

You scoffed and grabbed Yuyeon’s hand, yanking her towards the dorms. “Well, making trouble has been more challenging since we are old enough to do trouble,” you exclaimed, jumping a few times to make Yuyeon walk faster. She whined and tried to pull away but your grip tightened and you snickered. “But that doesn’t mean we still can’t go and have fun tonight!”

><

“Let’s do one more round.”

“Hyung,” groaned Sehun tiredly, feeling the sweat dripping down the sides of his face. “Enough.”

“One more.” Byun Baekhyun shook his head once before he took off for another round. “Losers will keep losing!” he shouted with a cheeky, handsome smile, running backwards for a bit to check on Sehun and when he saw the tall male run after him in challenge, he snickered and turned back, dashing off into a sprint.

It’d been like this for almost a year. Baekhyun was always a gym buddy with Sehun but in the past eleven months, Sehun became a small, indirect punching back. Whether it was because he suddenly became a mutual friend with a certain someone or whether it was a punishment for being there that night with her, he didn’t know. He didn’t want to know.

One thing he surely did know was that running helped him ease his mind and relax, maybe make him feel a little bit more numb like he so wished to be.

Getting rid of any intruding thoughts of Lee Nari was difficult. He felt sorry for her, the victim of his job. Fooling around with a young girl was not his plan but he knew he did it for the better good. He tried to persuade himself that he did it for the better good while pushing back the need to search for her and make sure she was doing alright. 

As he was nearing the finish line, Sehun caught up with him and they both jogged towards their bags nearby the tracks to freshen up. Sehun was heaving like a parched horse which made Baekhyun chuckle as he reached for two bottles, throwing one to his friend.

“Cheers,” exhaled Sehun harshly and quickly opened the bottle, gulping down the needed liquid.

Baekhyun hummed in reply and waited for his heartbeat to calm down before he would have a sip. “How’s everything?” he decided to ask. “The new semester just started.”

Sehun swallowed and closed the bottle. “It’s just the first week. You know the drill - introductions and boring stuff.”

“Nothing interesting happened then?” Baekhyun was very subtle in hints. Sehun was, thankfully, quick-witted.

“We will have the university festival in May,” he replied with the slightest of smirks on his face. “Siamsa is confirmed to perform.”

Baekhyun wasn’t looking at Sehun and even the information he just heard wasn’t worthy enough to make him pay attention. “Cool. She is an artist after all.” He noticed some girls approaching the track and he felt a small tinge of dissatisfaction. He really liked when the track was only his.

“One of my friends will be the MC. Actually, guess what! Siamsa made a special request. Funny, right? In what universe does a singer of her caliber ask for a mere first year student?”

Baekhyun snapped his head to Sehun. “Why?”

Sehun shrugged. “We don’t know why she wanted her out of everyone... though-“ Sehun pulled a thinking face. “It might have something to do with you.”

Baekhyun sighed, already feeling tired. “I don’t like that one bit. Siamsa is sneaky.”

Sehun nodded. “She didn’t want to do it but her senior kind of ordered her. So I guess she doesn’t have another choice.”

“What kind of senior is that if he makes her do stuff against her will?” huffed Baekhyun, his hands on his hips. “Isn’t he supposed to be there to support her?”

“Well, yeah. He did a lot for her so she feels like she has to do it.” Sehun decided to not share any more than that despite sensing Baekhyun’s questioning stare. He knew Baekhyun wanted to know what that “a lot” meant.

When Baekhyun knew he wouldn’t be getting more out of Sehun, he sighed and tapped his shoulder. “Thanks for telling me.” He moved to grab his bag from the floor when Sehun stopped him.

“Hyung.”

Baekhyun raised his eyebrows in question, waiting.

Sehun opened his mouth but then ended up closing it. Baekhyun was a tough nut to crack. It was obvious he was always interested in Nari’s well-being but him pretending not to do so was frustrating.

“I think-“ he re-started, remembering Nari’s emotionless face when he mentioned Baekhyun earlier that day. He opened his mouth to talk but Baekhyun was faster:

“I think it is better to leave everything up to her, Sehun. She is a smart young woman. If anyone can do well, it is Lee Nari. After all, she is finally able to do everything she was pretending to be doing.”

Sehun snorted a laugh, mockingly rolling his eyes. “And since when did you become so-ugh, respectful about that? Nari is stubborn and doesn't know anything about life.”

“It is none of my concern, Sehun,” replied quietly Baekhyun, looking somewhere off in the distance. “But I know she is stronger than you give her credit for.”

“She might hate you and she might not be over what happened between you two-”

“I locked up her brother,” gritted Baekhyun, “and before that, I wanted to lock her up. What makes you think there is any way for both of us to function normally even if we do meet?”

Sehun sighed. It was difficult to communicate with the both of them. Yes, they were both hurt but goddamn it. Anyone could know they cared for each other.

Baekhyun sensed Sehun's dilemma and so he stepped to the taller male and gave him a curt smile. “Don't push it, Sehun. She will be fine.”

><

Sweat was gradually collecting around your hairline until it turned into one huge tear drop travelling down the side of your face. The text message was as clear as the night sky.

Unknown number

drop it at the 1047 unit

top floor

“It's impossible,” you muttered, feeling yourself becoming nervous. You were standing in front of 1047 and it was definitely not the top floor. It was the first floor, just like the first  number indicated. 

Gnawing at your bottom lip, you raked your head about possible connections you could contact when you couldn't deliver the boxes as you were supposed to. There was never a responsible person, only an unknown number sending you messages with the quest and a requirement to always be careful (you supposed the carefulness was concerning the boxes). You would receive a confirmation message when the box was in safe hands. That was it. No unnecessary contracts; just you and the job at hand.

You tried calling Chul, you senior. After all, he was the one who fetched you the job but even he wasn't available at that moment.

When you were just about to lose your mind, your phone rang making you almost drop the box. Thank god for your reflexes. “H-hello? Chul?”

“Hey, what's up?” he chirped.

You told him quickly your problem but you weren't expecting his light voice to become more serious. “You can't find the place? Are you sure you are in the right building- shit, the time is almost up. I'll be there right now:”

Heaving out a breath, you checked your wrist watch. The box was supposed to be delivered within fifteen minutes. How would Chul make it in time for you, you weren't sure but you soon found out when you heard his rushing steps, his phone's screen lit up with the exact information you were provided with.

“Hey,” he breathed, taking in your worried gaze as you gave him an apologetic smile.

“Sorry for the fuss.”

He shook his head once, muttering a single “no need” before he took the box out of your arms and put it down in front of the door. Grabbing your hand he started pulling you downstairs. “We gotta get out of here.”

“Huh?” you looked back at the box helplessly, before you couldn't look anymore, instead watching out for your step on the stairs. “Wait - Chul, I need to fulfill the task.”

He shushed you and before you knew it, you were outside in the chilly air. Dragging you a few more metres, he heard an approaching car's engine and he was fast to push you into a small alley that was barely lit by any street lamps.

“Chul-” you started, frowning. You didn't like him manhandling you like that.

“Do you trust me?” he whispered as he made you press your back against the wall.

“Yeah,” you breathed, eager to hear any information he could provide you with to explain what the hell was going on.

To your utter horror, a police car drove by, but you weren't terrified about why the police car was there. You were terrified about a certain someone sitting in that car and you possibly having to face that certain someone. Just the thought of having to see his shocked or disappointed face yet again made you inwardly whimper.

When the car was far enough, Chul turned to you. “You are doing a great job, you really are. But you mustn't, by any means, get caught by the police while doing deliveries. Got it?”

Feeling your heart thumping loudly from the adrenaline, you nodded. “What about the box then?”

Chul cursed when he looked at his phone. “Three minutes left. Go in and check the box. If it's still there, take it to the top floor as per request. Sometimes they give misleading information to you in case your phone gets stolen. Next time, make sure to double-check all the information they give you, okay?”

You were nodding eagerly and already started walking back to the small apartment building.

“I have to go but write to me if the mission is successful. Now go, quickly,” he said and without waiting, took off into the opposite direction.

Due to the stress, you didn't even stop to think about the weirdness of the situation. Rushing back in, you went to the first floor where you left the box. You were rendered motionless when the box was no longer there.

Someone took it.

Feeling fear creeping into your system, you took out your phone to call Chul just when you received a confirmation message.

Unknown number

the box has been successfully delivered

[lit-in-thy-heart]

i think part of the reason that nobody has quite healed after the finale of merlin, as well from lack of closure, is because it is unsatisfactory in literally every way.

obviously arthur dies which is a bit of a bummer. but it's never confirmed that gwaine is still kicking, so there's that ball of angst that's dangerously close to dropping. sure, gwen becomes queen and that's amazing but we never see her ruling. who knows what the fuck happened to aithusa. morgana's death is anticlimactic to the max. and we have no idea if merlin returns to camelot. like obviously they're framing it as everything stops when arthur dies but...it doesn't? the show is called merlin for crying out loud, they could have provided a bit more of a definitive ending.

of course you can argue that it's left with nothing really tied up because they are just waiting for arthur to rise again, which is a valid argument and absolutely adds to the lack of closure because it technically hasn't ended yet.

but the most unsatisfactory thing, the thing that makes me want to scream at the writers as this dawned on me this morning, is that merlin never recovers.

there have been posts about merlin breaking more at the end of each season and it makes me so mad. the writers gave him lancelot, then snatched him away, only to throw him back in and rip him out again. lancelot essentially serves the same purpose as will. a friend that merlin can completely trust and then can completely ruin him (not that we really see merlin's grief explicitly) when they die.

as the seasons progress, merlin begins to deteriorate. he's constantly on edge from threats to arthur's life from every direction, he's having to support arthur because that's what his destiny is, and on top of that he can't put one toe out of line in terms of magic in case he loses all his friends or his life. by season five, merlin has isolated himself and has accepted that his happiness isn't important. you can see just how much of himself he's given in the finale when he tells arthur he won't be coming to camlann. it must be years since merlin has refused arthur anything.

and that is what makes me mad. the writers didn't give him one single good thing, in the end. merlin had suffered so much and not received much support at all for four years, then he essentially loses his magic (yes it came back but that is definitely a traumatic experience), fails his destiny, watches arthur die in his arms, then probably has to watch everyone else around him slowly die. as the show ends with that scene of him walking past avalon in the modern day, it provides absolutely no comfort. merlin is still fucking miserable, and his life is still not his own. because he is still putting arthur first. the writers really went and sculpted his whole character around arthur and having to hide his own magic, and we never get to see merlin recover from that.

[letsunity]

The Lucky Batch ☘️

Cold Lullabies

With the information that Raffle delivered, Kenlha wanted to hear their side of the story. However, she struggled to muster the gut to do so, knowing the pain they must feel.

Every day, Kenlha misses Morast, wishing that she’d never been their padawan. Maybe the Clawdite would still be alive if Kenlha was dumped with another master, someone like Kit Fisto or Ki-Adi Mundi, the latter being a sociopath. Mundi was better than Mace Windu, the prick.

She has an idea how they feel. Though instead of losing one, they’ve lost many. Not only their batchmates but prior mother-figure, Master Bastet. 

Master Fisto, Master Koon and Master Kenobi believed that she was best for this squad, they trusted her to care for them. In order to do that, she needed to know as much as possible.

Not only that, but share as well. They’ll be fully open to each other, no secrets between them. That’ll build trust and maybe make them almost competent. 

The twins, however, are crafty bastards. 

Foxy would direct the conversation in one of his many attempts to flirt. Thumbs would egg him on while Ballast laughed. 

Pepper, being the only medic, could say that he was busy with one of his idiot brothers. Given how often this lot gets injured, she can’t argue that he’s was a busy guy. 

It was a waiting game. She’d have to ambush one of them, get them comfortable with her. 

This togruta space witch is even craftier than these twins.

While trying to mentor Brisk and Luna, she’d wait. 

Eventually, Kenlha’s time came, just not how she wanted it to. 

On one of the missions, Pepper was hurt, the fool more focused on protecting Foxy. He got an infection from the wound, even contracting a virus. Foxy was adamant that they not go back to Kamino, leaving them to follow Pepper’s fevered orders. 

It inspired her to start practicing medicine, only for her to realise how complicated it was. 

With perseverance and a visit from a clone named Kix, Peps was on his way to getting back on his feet. 

Since he couldn’t run away, Kenlha would take advantage of the only moment she had. 

“Looking better by the day,” Kenlha complimented, sitting next to Pepper’s bed. “You’ll be giving out stickers any day, buddy.”

“Goose will be thrilled,” the medic continued, wondering how high it’s body count was now. “Ryder needs a new Nexu sticker. Then I can make the hot Cheetos dipped in mashed potatoes scratch and sniff for him.”

It was sweet to see the new Ryder bring such a gift to Pepper, he adored it. 

“Is it alright if I ask you something?”

“You can always confide with me, Ken. Doctor patient confidentiality ensures your secrets are safe with me.”

He was a soft boi, a good brother to her and an excellent doctor. When she looked into those mismatched eyes and his soft smile, it was easy to forget what he’d endured. What both twins went through together. 

“I’d like to know about before me and before Master Bastet. I’m a Jedi, I can sense your instinctive caution around me, even though you don’t show it. As your General, your sister, I want to be there for you as you are for me.”

Perhaps it was the fever, maybe it was exhaustion, but he gave somewhat of a summary of what transpired with Master Laverna. She could feel the trauma, especially regarding the force-choke.

He had to hold his neck, recalling the events as though he was re-living them again. 

Raffle forgot to mention that the Jedi’s death was an accident, but in her opinion, he deserved it. While she’s biased, being their sister, she can’t stand people mistreating the clones. 

Being so close with the twins, she’s disgusted by that dead Cathar.

“I... sometimes I don’t think Foxy should’ve gotten involved,” the medic sighed, like a weight was lifted from his chest. 

Understandably, Kenlha was surprised, though she wouldn’t voice it. He was sharing with her, she can’t ruin this. She can understand him more, and by doing that, she can be a better sister. 

“He had a padawan, a girl, possible 11 or so, named Teles. I cut off her leg, but didn’t cut high enough, and she died, likely septic shock. I held her hand as that light fell away. Nothing he could’ve done to me would compare to feeling her going limp and cold.”

He felt responsible for her. He did everything he could and she still died. It’s a pain that Kenlha empathised with more than she wished she did. Her eyes burned as salty water seeped through her ducts, dribbling down her yellow skin.

“I often feel that I killed my master, Morast Tane. They were strict, but they were better to me than anyone before. They tried to guide my energy onto something productive and constructive, kind of like a parent to me,” Kenlha started, recalling the events herself.

“It was on a hot planet called Nevarro, magma and volcanic ash littering the ground. While fighting an army of droids, some damned flyers shot from above, causing the ground to become unstable.

I didn’t think. I jumped into the air, slicing through those bastards. One that I bisected fell, crashing into that unstable ground and causing Master Morast to fall. I tried to pull them up, but they fell into the lava. 

The only word they could muster was Run before the cries started. Being outmatched, outgunned, we had to leave. There wasn’t even anything to bury them,” Kenlha sighed, the sensation of something clawing at her throat adding to the tears. “I know the pain of being responsible, even when others tell you it wasn’t your fault.”

The medic absorbed her tale, allowing her a few moments to recollect herself. The togruta held his hand, supporting herself and him in the emotional moment. 

There were days she wished it was her instead of Master Morast.

“Do you remember the Endeavour, that ship that crashed down, killing two-thousand troopers?” Pepper started, his voice trembling. “I... could’ve stopped that from happening.”

She waited, feeling his grip tighten around hers.

“At Geonosis, while Foxy, Mozzarella, Springer and Locke were fighting droids, I and a few others were sent back to look for surviving Jedi. Instead, I found someone with my face, only far younger.

I knew who he was, everybody did. The Maker’s chosen child, the payment for his involvement in making us. The one that he named Boba, raising as his own.

If I’d just taken him in or hell, even shot him, then all of those clones would still be alive. Master Windu and Master Skywalker wouldn’t have been hurt. Instead of that, I let him go, lying to my fellows that I didn’t find anybody.”

“While the Endeavour was a tragedy, I think you did the right thing. They were only a child, weren’t they? Even by Mandalorian standards, he was a kid, right?”

“Master Bastet said something similar. And she’s dead too. I tend to have bad luck regarding Jedi.”

He was afraid to get close to her in case she died. It’s an understandable fear, she was terrified of ever having a master again.

Kenlha was scared to even be a Master, worried that she’d never live up to Morast with her young girls. Brisk and Luna were outliers too, so she had an advantage there, but still. 

There are days where she wondered if Morast would’ve been better for them.

“I won’t promise that I’m not gonna die. We all die eventually, many earlier than they should. What I will promise, Peps, is that I’ll be here for every day that it gets hard. During the days it feels like there can’t be a tomorrow, I’ll be right here to listen. All of us, even Goose.”

“Foxy’ll need an ear, too. He’s an idiot, but he’s my idiot.”

“He was adamant that we steer clear from Kamino. Would I be pushing it if I asked why?”

She watched those green and brown eyes ponder, thinking over her question. As with before, he chose to share.

“Foxy and I aren’t just twins. There’re loads of twins, Echo and Fives from the 501st for example. We, however, are literal twins. Our clump of cells split and we grew attached at the shoulder,” he explained, motioning to his tattooed shoulder. “The Kaminoans, having not seen it often, experimented on us to prevent it from happening again. Our earliest memories have made us dislike them, especially the one named Nala Se.”

It made sense and she could agree with it.

“Then to ensure that we don’t go, I think I’ll have to learn some doctor lessons from you. I’ll be your, um, what’s that dumb thing Jackal says?”

“P-to-the-wan?”

“Yep, I’ll be your medic padawan,” she smiled, earning one from him as well. It was a beautiful thing, given his experiences. “Have a sleep, pal. We’ll give you a few minutes of peace.”

“There’s tape in Boots’ room,” he chuckled. She smirked, knowing that it would be for Ballast. “It... was good talking with you, Ken.”

“You too, Doctor Bro.”

Kenlha will talk with Foxy as well. She’ll talk with all of her siblings, assuring them that she’s there for ‘em. Not just her clones but her padawans, too. 

She wasn’t going to lie, it felt good talking to Peppy about her feelings as well.

Feelings aren’t accepted in the Jedi Order, so he made her feel valid. It was something she desperately needed from someone, and she was happy it was from Peps.

This is a good family she’s found.

Love you guys!

Tags: @lynnpaper @just-another-dreamerr @maygalodon @radbatch @oo-hazel-oo @foxlock​ @lusiawonder @catboy-tech @cosmicghostie @monako-jinn-stories @namesmox @generaltano @lavenderstaars @mango-peachjuice 

I am evil, yis 😈😈

PS - it’s 3:23am lol brain is working overtime!

[iscream4clones]

Soft Fives Collection

Part Two “Whatever I Need to Say”

Part One

Warning: Moderate angst

Pairing: Fives x genderneutral!reader

I promise you this one is still soft, it’s just paired with some angst. I know a lot of people could really use some support from their favorite clones right now (I know I do). I hope this can bring some of you some comfort <3

tagging @bad-batch-of-fics because I know he’s waiting up for me to post this instead of going to bed

You had always been such a great listener; not just for his jokes and his laughter, but for his choking tears in the dead of night. This was just one of the many reasons why he adored you. You did not just lust for his body, born and genetically sculpted to be fit for war. No. You loved a man named Fives, and he couldn’t have been more blessed to have found you, his guiding light.

But recently, you seemed to be dimming. As someone who had always kept a busy pace with the rushing currents of life - and a mind just as strong as their pull - something in you had stilled. Instead of swimming, you were floating; your mind elsewhere. At first Fives thought that perhaps you were just exhausted, but after a few nights of good rest in his arms, you appeared the same. It worried him, even more so when he realized how little you seemed to care. It was as though any moment you might fall over a waterfall, and Fives wasn’t about to let you sink.

He was to leave for another mission in 24 hours. He needed to do this now.

Fives had grabbed carryout for the both of you, but you hardly made a dent in your share. You spun the water around in your cup, still as full as when you had sat down to eat 30 minutes ago. It hadn’t been an awkward meal; there was plenty of conversation between the two of you. But the moment the peace had lasted more than a moment, he watched part of you dissolve inside yourself. He tapped his fork a few times, but the cast over your eyes remained. He dropped it, then cleared his throat.

“Y/n.”

Nothing.

“Y/n, my light, come back to me.” He reached across the table and stopped your hand, still spinning the glass of water. You flinched at his touch, and he could swear your eyes dilated once or twice before you were truly looking at him. You seemed almost confused.

“What is it, Fives?”

He sighed. Thank goodness he had you.

“It’s ok, I’m not… it’s nothing bad. Well, it is, but not like that. It’s jus’... sweetheart, you don’t seem… okay.”

He pulled his hand back, immediately regretting his words. Unlike himself, you were never one to react spontaneously, but what you were going through was new to him. He didn’t want to hurt you… he didn’t want to mess up.

You turned yourself and slowly rose out of the chair, and panic rose in Fives’ gut.

“Can we… speak in the bedroom?”

He nodded and gulped as he watched you walk away, doing his very best not to lose his dinner as he quickly followed behind you. Had he made everything worse?

As briskly as you walked, you wasted no time finding a seat on the bed. Fives took a moment to observe your body language, and it pained his heart to see how weighed down you appeared, slumped and solemn. He found a spot next to you, and hesitated a moment before placing his hand on your thigh. You still hadn’t looked at him since he entered the room, and he wanted nothing more than for you to speak… to say anything. 

He gave a light squeeze and he let his leg move to touch your own. I’m here.

Your first word came with a croak, but he understand it was his name that had been said. Whatever wall he had just broken down for you was not going to come lightly, he realized.

“Fives…” you repeated, but more clear. “I’m sorry that I-”

“Don’t. Please don’t.” He interrupted. “Whatever you’re going to apologize for, don’t. You have done nothing to hurt me c’yare. I didn’t mean to interrupt… just don’t apologize for anything you’re feeling.”

You sniffled in response, and he felt his heart stutter. He worried he might have offended you, but then you shifted slightly to finally face him.

You were crying… he rarely ever saw you cry. You took a deep breath and composed yourself before speaking again. This time, you looked him straight in the eyes.

“I feel like no one loves me…. And I know that it’s crazy to think that. I know you love me, I know your brothers love me. No one is ever too shy to tell me so… but I don’t feel it, Fives. Like I’m not here. Like I’m not valid to accept it. Like it’s not real.” You stop and take another breath, and this time a tear falls down your cheek. 

��Part of me knows that I’m loved. Fives…. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. You do everything right by me. I mean… you’re always right here with me, but something inside me feels broken.”

In a matter of seconds, you looked and sounded broken too. Your river became whitewater and you were crashing, tumbling, bruising. 

But Fives was there, holding you, knowing now that he couldn’t- shouldn’t stop you. This was something you needed to ride out, as there was always calmer water up ahead.

Neither one of you was sure just how long you two sat there in an embrace, but by the end of it, Fives was soaked in your tears. He did not take notice, however; he had something to say as well. He was now kneeling in front of you on the floor, your still shaking hands cupped within his own. He held your gaze, communicating  through the dark earthy metals of his eyes, before he finally spoke.

“Y/n, I need you to listen to me now. Please don’t look away. Stay with me, okay?”

You nodded.

“Y/n, I love you. I know what you just said- that I say that all the time, but you don’t feel it. But I just want to remind you. And no matter what, I’m never going t’stop reminding you. Tonight, I’m going to pull you into my arms, and I’m going to say it again. In the morning I will kiss you awake, just in case you forgot. I will make you breakfast and tea, and I will put my heart into it. I’ll run you a warm bath and wash your hair. I will tell you a joke. Hold your hand. Carry your groceries. Play your favorite card game. Take a bullet for you. C’yare…”

He tightens his grip of your hands, and places a light kiss to your fingers. 

“Whatever you are going through, whatever you are or are not feeling, we are going to work through this. Whatever I need to say, whatever I need to do, I will do anything to make you feel loved. We can plan things out, make a list, we can do it.”

He kisses your hands again, and then pulls them up to rest on his forehead. He closes his eyes, and hopes he hadn’t said too much.

The world seems to still before you move again, this time encapsulating his hands with your own. Fives looks up at you, but this time you’re smiling, and your tears have started to dry. 

“I trust you.”

Fives’ look becomes one of mild confusion. “What?”

“I trust you, Fives.” You repeat, this time your right hand glides up to rest lightly on his cheek.

“I trust that you love me. No matter my lack of feeling; for now, I trust you will be the one to bring it back.”

Fives laughs briefly and kisses your hand that rests on his face, before rising to kiss your forehead. His hands wrap around your waist and he touches his nose to yours, looking deep into your eyes before moving to your chapped lips. His breath catches in your mouth as he repeats, again and again, “I love you.”

“And don’t ever stop reminding me, Fives.”

[prrplwtch]

Don’t know if you’re still taking requests, but could you try writing headcanons on how each of the brothers’ behaviors change after they begin dating MC (Like maybe Satan is better at controlling his anger, Lucifer seems less tense, among other things)?

Hi nonnie :) I’m always accepting hc requests 💜

Lucifer

After being involved with MC for a while, Lucifer slowly begins to understand that there is no need to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders - that it’s ok to lean onto those who care about him and turn to them for support. The realization feels liberating - and, slowly, he becomes significantly less tense than he was. Allowing himself moments of weakness, moments in which he needed to be comforted rather than always looking out for everyone, did wonders to improve his overall disposition. 

Mammon

As Mammon and MC date, he slowly becomes less insecure. He’d been trying to hide his insecurity, most of which stemmed from his belief that he was not worthy - not worthy of love, not worthy of respect, not worthy of admiration - all of his life  behind the mask of the false bravado, but now he does not need it. The steady warmth of MC’s love gives him confidence that he is, in fact, worthy of all those things, and, slowly but surely, Mammon begins to shed his insecurities. 

Leviathan

The longer Levi and MC date, the less jealous person Levi becomes. Yes, he is the avatar of envy, but spending time with MC gave him valuable perspective on himself - and on what’s important in his life. His jealousy - almost the same way as Mammon’s insecurity - was based on the mistaken belief that he did not deserve good things in his life, so all that remained for him was to be jealous of others and their happiness. But, the happiness that Levi feels when he is around MC, allows him to understand that he too has something so very precious in his life that he would never want for anything else. 

Satan

Being involved with MC helps Satan in more ways than one. He learns to control his temper, of course, because he cares for MC and does not want to scare her, but, also, surprisingly, the relationship seems to heal Satan’s insecurities and improve Satan’s relationship with Lucifer. In large part, that resentment was based on “I am my own person struggle,” and now, that someone loves Satan for who he is, he understands that others, and especially MC, do in fact see him as his own person. It is a heart-warming realization for him, which, in turn, makes his temper even more manageable.

Asmodeus

Given the amount of romantic relationship that Asmo had been in, it seemed like he, of all brothers, would be the least affected by entering yet another one, but that is not so. As his relationship with MC progresses, Asmo grows to be significantly less “needy” and overbearing. Before, he constantly needed validation that he was “the fairest of them all” and that everyone loved him, but now that he and MC have been together for a while, he’d learned to trust MC’s heart - and his own. Of course, he likes hearing that MC loves him, but even when they don’t say it he knows it to be true. 

Beelzebub

Even before he’d gotten in a relationship with MC, Beel was a sweetheart. However, the relationship still had a positive impact on him, mostly because he learned to overcome his self-doubt and low self esteem. Ever since the Celestial war he’d been plagued by self-doubt and sadness, but seeing someone show so much compassion and understanding to him made him realize that, perhaps, he was deserving of compassion. And the fact that MC still loved him, even when he thought he was no more than a “mere glutton,” made him realize that people saw him as more than just his appetite, which in turn improved his self-esteem.

Belphegor

Being involved with MC impacts Belphie more profoundly than he realizes at first. If anyone were to bring it up to him, he’d scoff at the idea, but, slowly he comes to realize that he does not need to bear all his secrets in the depth of his heart - that it’s ok to trust the people he loves with his feelings and emotions. He also comes to realize that watching people he does not like squirm is not the only pleasure there is to life, and begins focusing on more positive aspects of life. 

HC list

[smallheathgangsters]

Doomed | Part Three

Masterpost

A/N: Please forgive me! This took forever and I don’t even know if I really like the way it turned out ): But nevertheless, I’m excited about continuing this series and I wanted to say thank you for all your support!

Tag List: @imgrullas @beautycinders @maggiescarborough @lovemissyhoneybee @ellaestloved @swweett-insanityyy @peaky-fookin-blinders-addict @writeroutoftime @namelesslosers @elisabethisdead @amirahiddleston @sinfulshelbys @yoheyyosup @asianbuttcheek  @curlyhairedblueeyedangel @wnygirl2012 @multi-fandom-iimagines

Pairing: Bonnie Gold x Shelby!Sister Reader

Word Count: 2812

Type: fluff, swearing

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was hard ignoring the happenings surrounding your family. You heard about Mrs. Ross, the mother of the boy Arthur had beaten to death as a result of an absentminded episode, visiting Tommy in his office. She’d apparently invited your eldest brother over to her place. She tried to cover it up as an act of peace-making, not exactly forgiveness, but a thank-you to the Shelby family for helping her and her children get by. It would’ve been her son’s twenty-first birthday. But Tommy knew it was all a setup, immediately suspecting the Changrettas being involved. There had been no sign of willingness to work towards truce in her eyes. They were still covered in anger and hatred and utter, utter disgust towards your family. Especially towards Arthur.

You’d always disliked thinking back to that day. As much as you loved your broken brother, you knew that there had always been something truly wrong with him. Showing clearly, almost too clearly, that he did not have control over his thoughts, his actions. Himself. Even though you did not blame him for what had happened, you still never understood what made everybody brush it off, as if it were nothing. Arthur had serious issues, but none of which were dared to be spoken about in the Shelby household.

You caught up on bits and pieces of Tommy’s plan after accepting Mrs. Ross’s offer and letting her know, that Arthur would be there at said date and time. How they would place themselves all around Artillery Square, covering every corner with men holding guns. Including Finn.

Finn, who finally got involved the way he wanted to be involved. Or did he? It was hard for you to tell. You’d tried talking to him about the matter multiple times, but you realised, that he just wasn’t comfortable talking to a sister about that. A woman in general. And as much it hurt, you had to accept the fact that he didn’t want to open up about it to you. Hoping, he would at least let you know if he’d ever felt unhappy.

The betting shop was as busy as always. While your brothers, Charlie, Johnny Dogs and Isaiah were backing up Arthur on his suspicious visit at Mrs. Ross’s, you, Lizzie and Polly were occupied with bets and even more bets coming in. Business was running smoothly. The way it should.

It was difficult for you to concentrate on working and worrying about what was going down at Artillery Square at the same time. If Tommy had been right about his guess. If his plan works out. If it perhaps meant the end to this horrible vendetta? The end to all of this? The end of having to stay with your family? Making it possible for you to finally distance yourself from the business and the negativity? But you knew, it sounded too good. Too good to be true. There wasn’t a chance this mess would be over so fast.

The hours went by painfully slow. You caught yourself watching the pendulum of the clock one too many times. Back and forth. And from time to time, Polly sent you a strict glance, pulling you out of your thoughts and into work again.

While you were writing down some numbers into the book on your desk in front of you, you suddenly heard the front door burst open. It slammed against the wall and Tommy’s figure appeared in the shop. Your head shot up from the ink-covered pages, eyeing your brother closely. Something was off. He seemed upset, stressed.

“Oi! Get out,” Tommy ordered, sending the worker out of the office within the cell bars. The man promptly obeyed, removing himself. You watched Tommy go around the table and sit down on the chair, grabbing the telephone. The receiver quickly made its way to Tommy’s ear and his lips mouthed the address of the recipient of his call.

Your eyes scanned the betting shop. Polly seemed busy on the phone and Lizzie was nowhere to be seen. So, you decided to move a little closer to Tommy’s conversation. You could sense that something had gone wrong. At least not as planned. And you were worried for Finn. Like always. You were always worried for your little brother.

“Charlie. Listen, Bonnie Gold will be calling you in four minutes. Tell him the Italians are on the road south.”

Your breath hitched in your throat when you heard Bonnie’s name. That meant the Golds had to be involved again. What was going on? Was Arthur okay? Did the Italians perhaps outsmart Tommy?

As much as the situation concerned you, you had to internally chuckle at the thought of Tommy being outsmarted. That must hurt your proud, self-convinced brother. A lot. The one that thought so highly of himself, so sure of every plan he placed out in his head.

“A Rolls-Royce, maybe two. Black. Tell him to expect a full complement of men. We inflicted no casualties.”

A pause. Tommy squeezed his eyes shut in apparent annoyance by something Charlie said. “I said we inflicted no fucking casualties.”

And with that, he hung up, leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. Then he let out a deep sigh.

Before you had the chance to sneak back to your workplace, Tommy had already opened his eyelids again and you could feel his cold stare on you.

“Is there something you want to ask me, Y/N?”

You sighed, crossing your arms in front of your chest. “Are Arthur and Finn alright?”

Tommy gave the bridge of his nose a short massage before answering your question. “They’re both fine.”

You gritted your teeth, already regretting the next question you were about to ask. You knew you were treading onto dangerous territory with Tommy currently being so tense, but you couldn’t hold back the words rolling off your tongue. “What the fuck happened, Tom?”

“Since when do you–“

“Can we please skip that?” you hissed, cutting him off impolitely. “I’ll be gone after all of this is over, but until then, I want to know what’s going on.”

You heard Tommy gulp audibly. “Arthur was never the target.”

“So, who was?” you frowned, your bottom lip slipping in between your teeth, encouraging your bad habit of nervous lip-chewing.

“Michael.”

Your eyes went wide and your teeth let go of your lip, letting your mouth fall agape. “I– Is he okay?”

“Yeah, but now we’re trying to get ahead of them.”

“Is that why you called the Golds for help?”

He nodded. “We’re trying to get a hold of them before they get away.”

You felt your chest relax. Knowing that everybody was safe and alive made your worries vanish. But there was still a hint of discomfort settled in the pit of your stomach. And you knew exactly who to blame this feeling of discomfort on. Bonnie. That pretty, polite, flirty Gold boy. With his stupid dark curls and his stupid gorgeous eyes. You let out a groan, convinced about it being silent enough to be overheard.

Of course, Tommy caught up on it. “Nothing’s going to happen to him, stop being concerned.”

“Hm?” you hummed, confused about what your brother tried to say to you.

“Bonnie. Nothing’s going to happen to the kid.”

You let out a huff. “It’s going to take a lot for me to just trust your words like that again, Tommy.”

Tommy moistened his lips by darting out his tongue for a quick second. His eyes were drilling holes into your skin, but you didn’t let him intimidate you. You were his little sister, family, not his enemy and his tries to frighten you with his manner made you lose your respect for him more and more. He didn’t own you. He didn’t control your thoughts. And unfortunate for him, they were very different to his own. And because you all needed to work together, being in the middle of this vendetta, he had to learn to accept you. Stubbornness, independence and all that came with it.

“I’d like to see Bonnie when the job is finished. Just to make sure you held your word.”

“You’re being–“

“Reasonable. I’m being reasonable, Tom. And if you’re not letting me see him, you’re once again taking a step further away from me having faith in you.”

Tommy closed his mouth shut, sending you another stiff nod. Then, he fished out his cigarette case, revealing a smoke. He placed it between his lips and lit the end with a match. “In that case, I’ll see you later Y/N.”

You nodded at your brother and watched him leave the betting shop in a hurry, face stern, cigarette in hand.

It was late when Tommy came back to the betting shop to pick you up. You had refused to go home with Polly after work was finished for the day, wanting and needing some time alone. It had been incredibly noisy in the shop that day and you craved some peace and quiet, knowing very well that you wouldn’t be getting that if you joined Polly.

Tommy made you follow him to Charlie’s yard, but insisted you’d wait outside in front of the stables until after his conversation with Aberama. “Nothing that should be any of your concern.”

He’d slipped into the barn fast enough to escape another one of your snarky, but very much valid comments about you having the right to know what was going on with the Italians. You let out a groan and leaned against a wooden pillar, listening to the water ripple against the boats down in the canal.

It didn’t take long until Tommy returned. “He’s all yours.”

You rolled your eyes at his comment. “Your facial expression doesn’t look as if Luca Changretta was taken down.”

“That’s nothing for you to worry about, Y/N. I’ve got everything under control,” he answered, taking a deep drag from his almost burnt-out cigarette.

“I never said anything about being worried,” you stated, pushing yourself away from the pillar. Tommy sighed at your remark, threw the rest of his smoke on the ground and stepped on it with the tip of his shoe. “What do you hope to gain from getting close to Bonnie?”

“I’m not hoping for anything, Tommy.”

He chuckled sarcastically. “He’s not the hero you’re searching for. You know nobody’s going to look out more and better for you than your own family.”

You gave your brother an annoyed glance. “Why are you constantly up in my business?”

“I could ask you the same.”

You let out another angry groan. “Fine. If I stop asking you questions about Luca Changretta, will you quit having an opinion about my relationship with Bonnie?”

He just shrugged. “We’ll see about that.”

And then, he turned around and took off. With each step, the gravel crunched loudly beneath his soles. Your eyes followed him while sucking in the air through your gritted teeth, trying to calm yourself down. Tommy really had a talent of pushing your buttons.

“Y/N?”

Your felt your heart skip a beat and reflexively raised your hand to your chest. “God!”

“Sorry,” Bonnie grinned, “didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You can’t just sneak up on me like that!”

You gave him a gentle, playful push, which made his grin turn into a laugh. “You want to fight me?”

He swiftly grabbed both your wrists, restraining you. You desperately tried to twist them out of his grip, but you already knew it was impossible. Eventually, you let out a defeated giggle. “Okay, okay. I give up.”

He winked down at you, letting your arms go. “So, tell me. What brings you out here this late?”

You sent him a smile and nervously pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. “Wanted to make sure you were okay. And alive.”

He chuckled and pushed his hands into his pockets. “Why shouldn’t I be alive?”

“I knew about Tommy sending your men after the Italians,” you told him. “Because as clever as my brother thinks he is, he didn’t realise who Changretta’s real target was.”

Bonnie noticed the poisonous tone in your voice and took one of his hands out of his pockets, placing it on your shoulder. “Do you think you and your brother will ever get along in a way that’s healthy for both of you?”

You let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know …”

“I would love to see your relationship improve after all of this is over,” he said, giving you a warm smile. His pretty hazel eyes had a little sparkle in them, making you hold your breath for a split second.

“I’m confident it’ll get better,” he assured, the confidence in his voice almost convincing you. Then, he let your shoulder go and his hand returned to the pocket.

“Did you kill somebody today?”

Your question seemed to have surprised Bonnie. “Would it be a problem if I have?”

You shook your head. “No, not at all. I’m just curious.”

“We shot two men.”

We. He avoided your question. But you accepted his answer. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay. Even if it’s not the end yet.”

“And if you continue being so concerned for my safety, I’m sure nothing will ever happen to me,” he chuckled. You felt your cheeks heat up as a reaction to his teasing comment.

“I’m just being nice,” you tried defending yourself, a nervous giggle escaping your throat.

“And I’m just trying to flirt,” Bonnie admitted, tilting his head slightly, “Once again.”

Bonnie was a man who gave off the impression of being very innocent, but every now and then he let something slip out of his mouth proving the complete opposite. And that was exactly what made him so interesting.

You must have been silent for a moment, caught in your thoughts, because suddenly Bonnie’s worried voice sounded in your ears. “I’m sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?”

“No!” you exclaimed quickly. “No, not at all. Please don’t think that!”

“Oh, good,” Bonnie sighed relieved. “Would not have been the first time that my weak flirting skills scared a girl off.”

“Shut up,” you laughed. “How could somebody not like you?”

“Girls with a better taste in men perhaps?”

“Are you telling me my taste in men is bad?”

“Are you telling me you like me?”

You tried to think of a witty reply, but your mouth just stayed open without any words coming out. And you were positive that you looked ridiculous.

Bonnie took a small step forwards, towering over you. “You look adorable with your jaw dropped like that.”

Your teeth made an audible clicking sound when you shut your mouth promptly in reaction to his confession. Your eyes scanned his beautiful features, completely in awe by his sudden boldness.

You knew it was stupid. Stupid to let your heart flutter at the sound of his voice, at the spark in his piercing orbs, at the scent he carried, reminding you of pleasant evenings around a bonfire. It was stupid of you constantly trying to be close to him. Finding reasons to cross his path. You were in a time of uncertainty and danger. Death was lurking behind every corner. Carelessness could lead to the passing of way more people than just yourself. And as much as you hated being unwillingly involved in Tommy’s business, all you wanted was your family to be safe. And alive.

But Bonnie was just so … captivating. The thought of having him around made your days pass quicker, easier. The frustrating conversations you had had with Tommy that day weren’t so frustrating anymore and the constant weight of John’s passing didn’t feel as heavy.

“C– Can I kiss you?”

The words slowly rolled over his lips. Almost a whisper. A hesitant question.

Your gaze fell onto his beautiful face. You noticed him lift his hand and place it on your cheek delicately. Reminding yourself that you’ve still not reacted to his question, you nodded, perhaps a little too eagerly. Which made him let out a sweet chuckle.

“Thank god,” he said, making you smile widely before leaning down and pressing his lips onto yours.

No matter how many times your mind tried to tell you how stupid this was, there was nothing that could hold you back. Hold you back from falling. Falling so hard and so deep. It felt as if he was giving you the air you needed to breathe. As if he was saving you from a wild current that would have pulled you under, drowned you, sooner or later.

Eventually, you would realise that your mind had been right all along. That listening to your heart was never a good idea.

But right then and there, your heart was stronger than your mind. Right then and there, everything was fine.

[rabble-dabble]

The Cancer King's Court ~ The Holy Prince

Eridan Ampora/The Holy Prince

This Eridan is, in fact, the Eridan from our timeline. 

After his death at the hands of Kanaya, Eridan mopes around the dreambubbles in a self loathing haze. Without Feferi or Karkat around to try and keep him afloat, Eridan is left to wallow in his own pathetic self pity. He takes every excuse to dive deeper into his own self loathing. Alternate versions of himself who have it better than him just go to show what a fuck-up he is, and those that don’t just reinforce his image of how miserable his life is.

He eventually runs into the Cancer King, who is absolutely pissed to see him. Karkat verbally tears Eridan to shreads, lambasting him for continually burying himself in his own self pity.

“you’re right, kar. god, you’re alwways right. i really am just a-”

“DON’T YOU FINISH THAT FUCKING SENTENCE, ERIDAN AMPORA. WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY, YES, THAT IS IN FACT, WHAT YOU ARE. AN ASSHOLE, A DOUCH CANOE, A RAGING BIGOTED VOLCANO OF BULLSHIT. THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU CAN’T BE ASSED TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.”

“I’M WILLING TO BET THAT YOU’VE SPENT YOUR ENTIRE AFTERLIFE WALLOWING IN SELF LOATHING, HAVEN’T YOU? IT’S ALL YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE. IF YOU CAN’T MAKE YOURSELF SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM, THEN YOU’LL JUST SINK INTO A HOLE UNTIL YOU CAN THROW YOUR PROBLEMS ON SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOULDERS. YOU’RE A PARASITE. YOU FED OFF FEFERI, YOU FED OFF ME, AND NOW YOU’RE STARVING BECAUSE NO ONE’S LEFT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.”

“YOU COULD’VE MADE AN EFFORT, EVEN A SINGLE ATTEMPT, TO FIX YOURSELF UP AT ANY TIME YOU WANTED. I’VE MET PEOPLE WHO WERE ASSBAGS, WHO WERE JUST AS BIG OF SHIT STAINS AS YOU WERE AT ONE POINT, WHO HAVE BECOME BETTER PEOPLE. I’VE MET A VERSION OF VRISKA WHO TRIED TO CLEAN UP HER LIFE. FUCKING. VRISKA.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT, ERIDAN. YOU’RE A TERRIBLE PERSON. YOU’VE NEVER EVEN TRIED TO BE ANYTHING ELSE.”

Eridan stares silently. Karkat sighs and leaves.

Eridan wanders the Dreambubbles some more, Karkat’s lines repeating in his head. At first, it’s just another ember in his smouldering fire of self-loathing, but he can’t keep himself from chewing on it a bit more. Eridan’s conflicted thoughts come to a head when he meets himself from the New Timeline.

The Eridan from this timeline sold out his friends to The Condescension. He’s the reason she rose to power. And everything she’s done is on his shoulders.

When Eridan confronts his alternate self, he starts spewing all the same excuses that Eridan himself has used before. He didn’t have a choice, it’s his duty as royal blood, what did you expect him to do? When pressed, his alternate self admits to regretting what he did.

So, Eridan asks why he hasn’t tried to fix it yet? He’s a Grand Admiral in the Condescension’s navy. He has plenty of resources. He could easily fund the rebellion, work as a spy, plot some assassinations. He could try to fix this. Alternate Eridan refuses.

He’s always been the bad guy. Why pretend he could be anything else?

Eridan leaves in disgust. Karkat’s words finally sink in.

Even when given every reason in the world to change, Eridan couldn’t be bothered. Well, that ends today.

So, Eridan sets out to make amends. He visits the dreams of players still doing their sessions and gives them advice. He gives them hope, listens to their problems, helps them reach God-Tier and guides them away from the mistakes he made. He isn’t very good at it. Not initially. He finds himself listening to them as much as they listen to him. But, still, he grows. And, in doing so, he saves several sessions from the brink of disaster.

Eventually, Eridan meets Feferi. His Feferi.

The two awkwardly catch up, dancing around the obvious. They compare notes on the Dreambubbles and Eridan explains what he’s been up too.

Eridan bursts the bubble first. He asks her if she can forgive him.

…Feferi looks forlorn, devistated even, as she confesses that she doesn’t think she can.

Eridan quietly accepts this as he leaves.

He’s moping to himself in a memory of his old hive when the Pirate Queen knocks on his door. She comforts him and they try to make light of what terrible people they were. Again, they dance around the issue a bit, even humoring a bit of roleplay for old times sake, before they finally talk about the main issue.

Eridan laments how much it hurts to not be forgiven. Vriska can relate, but only to an extent. “I can live with Tavros not forgiving me, 8ut I don’t know where I’d 8e without Terezi. That sounds a 8it closer to what you’re going through.”

Vriska offers that, sense he’s making amends, maybe he could join the King’s Court.

Eridan turns her down. He wants to make amends on his own terms first.

So, Eridan gathers all the Players he’s helped and unties them against his alternate self. Playing on the flaws he knows his alternate self has, Eridan orchestrates his downfall, proving to himself that he’s outgrown the pathetic leech he once was. Eridan sees his new friends off with pride, inspiring them to join the Rebellion and fight fir the freedom of the Multiverse.

With that done, Eridan tracks down the Cancer King. 

“i'vve wwon back my honor. noww i wwant to wwin back my friend.”

Eridan is the King’s commander in chief against the forces of Her Imperious Condescension. He intends to undo the damage done by his alternate self and win back Karkat’s friendship in one foul swoop. Like Vriska, his opponents tend to underestimate him. They expect the same arrogant manchild he used to be, which he uses to catch them off guard. In fact, his effectiveness was so great, that it took Karkat awhile to realize that he wasn’t God-Tier and was, in fact, still dead. Karkat rectified the issue soon after, but it’s a testament to how far he’s come.

Eridan spends most of his time with Vriska. The two of them forming something of a support group about being “the reformed bad guys” of the group. It never quite reaches the outright moirail levels that she has with Terezi though. 

Gamzee holds him in considerably high regard for doing such a 180. It’s the reason he gave him and Vriska such lofty titles. Rose speculates if that has something to do with Gamzee’s unwillingness to face his own issues, but that’s for another day.

Like Aradia, Eridan never forgets the weight of what they’re doing. In fact, he refuses to associate with the ‘sacrifice’ side of the Court’s buisness. He understands the necessity of it, but he’s a reformed man. He can’t bring himself to sink back down there.

For a similar reason, he tries to let anyone know that he's The Holy Prince. He can’t stand to think about what the Players might say if they knew what their mentor was a part of.

Still, Eridan makes a point of befriending those he dismissed. He shares hunting stories with the Purrdator, he relates to the Bard’s loneliness. He even buries the hatchet with Sollux.

Eridan trusts in Terezi to keep Karkat on the straight and narrow, but he still worries about him. Eridan knows exactly what it’s like to bury yourself in your flaws. Luckily, he tends to inspire Karkat to be more merciful just by his example. The King even took the time to learn some of Eridan’s favorite board games. 

In the end, The Holy Prince is a loyal man who holds himself to a high moral standard. A competent commander and a friend to all his students. Eridan Ampora is someone Karkat is proud to call his friend.

god I love that you just submitted this because I SCREAMED when I saw it. 

also????? eridan being a source of advice for KARKAT????? YES PLEASE

anyways you said figure and I went OF ANGELS??? because hell yeah I'm gonna incorporate more aspect stuff. also eridan being a voice of reason is concerning and funny at the same time. i respect that you had vriska relate to him but even then like she has terezi which is SUCH a valid point!!!! eridan has to get there for a LONNNNNNNGGGG while but I'm actually glad that he’s working towards being better seeing he always had that potential but never took it. 

[shadowtsukiyo]

Perspective

I was so happy to be able to participate in @mlsecretsanta this year! Merry Christmas @swampwaterdog, I hope you enjoy this! Special thanks to @dreamingmermaidpotato for being my Beta!

“Kagami Tsurugi. I have chosen you for the Fox Miraculous. I need someone I can trust by my side and on my team, permanently. Do you accept this responsibility?”

Kagami looked down at the Miraculous, the necklace in the box had shifted once in her hands, no longer a simple chain, but a braided cord, a kumihimo. The foxtail shrunk in size, looking like a simple stylized charm bracelet. 

Her mind kept drifting to the day that Ladybug came to her to give her the fox charm. She’d honestly been terrified when the red-clad heroine had dropped onto her balcony that chilly evening, and looking back at it now she didn’t know how she’d kept a straight face. Ladybug and her mother had been the only people able to make her feel intimidated, it was something that made her easily respect Ladybug.

She’d accepted, of course, she would accept. She loved being a hero, having a purpose. She was known as Inari, named after the mythical fox god of the harvest back in Japan. She wanted a purpose beyond fencing.

Her legs carefully swung, stepping carefully, one foot in front of the other as her new tail was lifted slightly, helping her keep her balance. Her hakama swinging in the Parisian breeze. The fabric rippled and shifted, the traditional baggy attire hadn’t hindered Kagami too much when she began her time as Inari, but it took a bit of reminding to get used to it. She hadn’t worn anything like this since her competition in Japan. Though she could deal without the colors, the white to orange to black gradient hadn’t been her first choice, but she supposed it was fitting for a fox. 

They weren’t in a rush tonight and Ladybug seemed out of it, it worried her.

Kagami, as Inari, felt like she was doing her culture proud by going by the name of the fox god. Her Miraculous offset at her hip, attached by the braided cord, was a reminder to herself of the Fox god.

Chat Noir and Ladybug had been tense with one another recently. Their dynamic had been off. She didn’t know why, and she knew it was none of her business, but the days she was out on Patrol with Ladybug, she’d catch the way the brightness in her eyes would dull, the way her lips fell into a frown, and when she tried to smile, nothing reached her eyes. 

“Alright. That’s it.” Kagami was fed up, the twin fox ears perked on her head lowered with her rising ire. “What is going on with you and Chat Noir?” Her arms crossed over her chest, annoyance on her face, the white and orange mask not hiding the way golden eyes narrowed--another costume shift that made it a bit easier to hide her identity. 

Ladybug looked tired, she was ready to protest but just sighed. “He’s angry I am assigning permanent heroes like you.” Chat didn’t like being kept out of the loop, but she was exhausted and she was tired of Fu’s rules… now that the Master was gone and she was the new guardian, she needed to change things up. “He and I can’t keep doing this on our own. And I do not have the time during some attacks to grab a box, find a person, and have them hold them temporarily.” 

“He’s upset he no longer has you to himself?” Kagami tested, “Or because you are the one making decisions?”

“Both probably. It's always been just us, even when we had temporary heroes we still had to mainly focus on one another… I hate to use you as an example like this, but when you went off on your own plan despite me having one for you.”

Kagami remembered that day, she’d regretted it afterward, she felt as if she dishonored Ladybug. “I - I was surprised you trusted me so much to allow me to become a permanent hero.” Her voice was light. 

“You earned it, Inari. You understood your mistakes and you bettered yourself both as a hero and as a person. I believe in second chances so long as you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and from others.”

“I assume that Rena was…?” Her voice trailed off. 

“On top of what happened with Queen Bee… Chloé, Rena had been proving herself unreliable. She’s been posting things on her blog about people, incidents about me that never happened. I will always feel bad, allowing this to happen, but Rena had been my first choice.” Ladybug moved to walk a bit, causing Kagami to follow. “She stopped doing her job as a reporter, and I had to wonder if she was going to stop doing her passion the way she’d demanded it to be done months prior. What would happen if she started doing the same with being a hero?”

The first thing Kagami thought of was Lila. The girl was a worm in Alya’s ear, telling her false stories, ones the journalist was too excited to question. The LadyBlog in recent times had become nothing more than a gossip tabloid. 

“How badly is this reflecting on you as a hero?”

A shy smile, one that seemed so familiar, “It's not...not yet, but it will - the same way it did when I told Paris I was not in love with Chat Noir. The same way he still thinks I am joking or playing hard to get about it.”

Ladybug sighed, "I'm not angry at him. I don't think he's intentionally doing this. I just think that he's… what's the phrase…" her wrist rolled in a circular motion, making a 'go on' gesture. "Transference. He's using me as a substitute for something in his life, and rather than focusing on it he's pushing that energy into being Chat and focusing on me."

Inari was quietly watching as Ladybug sat back, it was one of their patrol days; Ladybug and Chat Noir alternated between taking her out. It was during these patrols that she got a feel for both Chat Noir and Ladybug as people, not just as heroes. Her thoughts were understandable.

Chat Noir was a frightened and lonely boy under all his false suave and jokes, but he was also a bit of a spoiled person that didn’t understand the word no. It told her that he likely came from a wealthy family, where money and things had been given rather than love and affection. It explained why he clung to Ladybug so much - he craved the attention, the validation she gave him, to the point he wasn’t willing to share her and her attention. It reminded her of Adrien, once she got him out of his shell a bit. 

Ladybug, she was hard to peg down at first, but that had been her own idolization of the heroine. Kagami had to take a step back and realize that she needed to look at Ladybug as a person and not as a hero before she continued. Once she did that, she was able to see the kind of person Ladybug was - A generous soul that may act confident, but wavered about her inner self. She was kind, likely grew up well-loved and appreciated by friends and family. However, Kagami noticed the lingering sadness that was plaguing the young woman. Her smiles which used to be full-faced didn’t seem to reach her eyes anymore.

Ladybug had too much on her shoulders. People expected Ladybug to fix their problems, to run a team, to protect all of Paris while they went along casually. She realized, even she herself, hadn’t taken the idea of Akumas seriously until she became a hero, and even then, she still brushed it aside sometimes. For nearly a year, Ladybug had to not only drop everything at a moment’s notice to transform and save Paris, but she looked like she was roughly her age, fourteen, maybe fifteen, meaning she had her own life problems.

Ladybug was… very much like Marinette. That was the feeling she got the more one-on-one time she spent with her. A beautiful soul, while everything around her slowly weighed her down, crushing her soul slowly but surely.

She needed a team, she needed to share the burden. Chat might be her partner and her friend, but he laid on the stress in his own way, though he did support her as a teammate.

-

Inari was twirling her flute in her hand, her eyes taking in Ladybug, “You’re deciding on another hero?” She asked lightly, tilting her head as she took in the firm set of her jaw. Something she noticed when Ladybug became resolute. 

“Yes. I have decided on who, just not which.” Her eyes shut in thought before she hummed to herself. 

“Ladybug.” Inari sighed as she moved to sit next to her, her fingers moving to gently settle over her hand. The touch was soft, affectionate. “Any decision you make, I will believe in and support.” Her fingers gently squeezed at Ladybug’s hand. “I do not know who you are picking, or why you doubt yourself but - issues in the past, Chat, everything, we will all work on in time. I will remain by your side as your teammate and as your friend.”

The smile that graced Ladybug’s face made her cheeks flood with warmth. How in the world did she end up befriending the two cutest girls in Paris? Marinette and Ladybug. 

“I’ll give it to him next week.” There was pride in her voice, the confidence flooding Ladybug once again. The smile she’d given Inari was still there on her face.

It was the brightest smile she’d ever seen…

-

“Marinette.” Kagami’s lips curved upward into a smile as she saw Marinette coming towards her, smile as bright as the sun. 

“Kagami!” Marinette didn’t hesitate in wrapping her arms around Kagami, hugging her close once Kagami gave her a small nod of approval.

Kagami was not typically one to enjoy being touched, but Marinette always waited for some sign of approval. Marinette respected her boundaries, and it touched her heart that Marinette went the extra mile to make her comfortable. 

“Ready to go?” 

Kagami nodded. They were going to have a small shopping trip. Kagami had commissioned her for evening attire during a ceremony for her mother. 

Usually, the two of them tried to meet up once a week, whether in person or on a video call, something to spend time together. It had become a routine of sorts to help them both de-stress and focus on things outside of their busy lives.

“Marinette,” Kagami spoke, her voice almost shy as she glanced towards the smaller girl. “Would...you…”

She was nervous, no matter how much she felt she’d grown, this was a big thing to her. Her wonderful friends, Marinette, Ladybug, Adrien, Chat Noir, Luka, and various other people in her life helped her grow as a person. 

Marinette looked at her, patient and offering her an encouraging smile. Kagami had to pause, that look was so familiar for some reason… She also noticed how tired Marinette was and it caused her courage to waver. 

“You can ask me anything, Kagami.” Gently, carefully, Marinette entered the bubble that was Kagami’s personal space, taking her hands in a gentle grasp. 

“I wanted to know if you’d… join me for the ceremony… that I commissioned you for.”

“As a friend?” Marinette asked, her tone deflating. Kagami knew she’d gotten over her crush on Adrien a long time ago, those words, however, seemed to still haunt Marinette when someone showed interest. 

Kagami swore that familiarity was going to drive her insane just as the way Marinette had jumped to a platonic request when it was everything but that.

“As my date.” Her voice was short, simple. 

Kagami’s request was answered with a bright smile, “Yes!” Her happiness and bright smile caused Kagami's heart to pound in her chest and warmth rise on her cheeks. 

Kagami’s brows furrowed for a second.

Oh. 

It was all she needed, all the familiarity soon slid into place, puzzle pieces finding their match, and the image was suddenly clear at the beautiful smile Marinette gave her. The same smile Ladybug had given her. 

She thought it would surprise her more, but wordlessly, her fingers slowly slid into Marinette’s grasp, lacing their fingers together. 

“I think I saw a shop around here… they looked like a fabric or craft shop.” Kagami’s voice came out soft, relaxing as she got used to the warmth that was sinking into her hand. 

Marinette was very fitting for Ladybug, so it wasn’t that surprising. A beautiful kind-hearted girl being the beautiful and kind-hearted hero? It made sense. 

At least it wasn’t Adrien turning out to be Chat Noir. 

Kagami couldn’t help but let her mind focus on the two blond boys now that she thought about it. The dorky hero and the lonely boy whom she had gotten to know better during her time in Paris. Things were steadily falling together in her mind. The neglected boy with nerdy hobbies that dreamed of freedom, how had she missed it? Of course, he was Chat Noir.

“...” Kagami said no words, just took a long, deep breath to keep from getting too frustrated. It suddenly made sense as to why Chat Noir clung to Ladybug as much as he did, and why Adrien was obsessed with Ladybug.

She and Adrien will have a conversation and work on that at a later date. He wasn't a bad person, just neglected and needed people to help look after him and see him for who he was - an anime-loving dork who liked bad puns. 

Her eyes glanced down to the braided cord around her wrist, the hand gripping Marinette’s hand. She’d eventually tell Marinette that she knew. But not yet, she wanted to let this blossom, to grow with Marinette… and hopefully, Marinette would tell her once she was ready. 

Until then, Inari would support Ladybug, and Kagami would love and support Marinette through all the trials that life put them both through.

“Hey, Marinette?” Kagami’s voice was soft, earning a hummed reply from her “I’m glad you wanted to be my friend during the scavenger hunt.” If not for that day, she didn’t know if they would have ever gotten here. 

When Marinette turned towards her, Kagami leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. It was chaste and sweet, to the point much like Kagami, but it said everything it needed to. 

You’re important to me. I like you. I’m comfortable with you. 

[chappedandfadedvds]

Dec 13th, Sunday 13:32

oh no, guys!!

I was out all day and just got back home to realise that I didn’t set the time when to publish todays’ clip... it just sat there in my drafts... so could everyone reading just imagine to be teleported back to this very early afternoon?

I’m so so sorry!! 😰

__ __ __

Hey Jens,

I know this may be a bit out of the blue as I hadn’t contacted you for over two years. I hereby do not ask for forgivness if any shape or form. A lot had happened and for a while it was close to impossible to have contact outside of work. Obviously it doesn’t excuse my absense. I am pretty confident that I may even not have written you yet, wouldn’t it have been for Helena.

Your mother was also the person to give me this email-address, I hope you aren’t too cross with her. She meant well.

I am very positive you aren’t interested to read of anything that had happened to me since our last meeting in 2016. Already four years have passed. It doesn’t feel that long ago. But obviously you may feel different about that.

So where to begin? 

Helena wrote me a long text, detailing the main events of the last year and her diagnoses. I had to read it a couple of times for it to settle. It still feels surreal to have to accept her leaving earth that early. I am most sorry for you. I wish I could have been of more support from the very beginning. But now I have the chance to do something and I hope you will consider my offer.

She told me of Lies and that she no longer lives in Belgium, which leaves you at home with your mother and Lotte. I can barely imagine how very hard that Must be on you. I do hope you have enough people who can take care of you, when you put your energy towards your family.

There isn’t much I can do from my position here. But be assured that I already signed the documents to waive my choice of guardianship over Lotte. You mother was strictly clear that that was your preferred arrangement and I am in no position to interfere in your affairs at home. So they should be on their way and at yours rather soon, hopefully in time early next week. Just in case, I attached a pdf scan. Should you need anything else, please do not hestitate to ak.

I also hadn’t forgotten that you turned 18 and unfortunately I haden’t yet congratulated you. I would like to do that now, even if it may seem shallow. But I send you all my best wishes and do genuinly hope that you will find success and love along your way. I am proud that you have the strenght in you to get through such a difficult and exhausting time and I believe with all my heart that you will make it to the other side.

Regarding my mentioned offer:

I want you to be able to persue your goals in life. Surely you must have some dreams about the future you’d like to see come true. It isn’t much, but I am obviously sending money into your mothers, and now your, bank account, for Lotte and yourself since our separation. And if you would allow me to increase the amount by whatever the house or the corresponding insurances may cost, I’d be more than happy to do that. As well as money for university. A good education takes you far in life.

This is not the greatest help of course, I know this. And I hope that you’ll understand that I can’t just leave my work behind, but I am already areaging to go visit Helena in January. I have to see her before I nay no longer have a chance, and she as well asked me to.

If you, for some reason, want to meet me as well, it would make me quite happy to see you too. I understand though if that is out of question for you.

I hope to hear back from you, so we can discuss the reality of help I can provide and anything I may have forgotten to bring up. I didn’t wanted this to get too long.

You’ll find my mobile number in the document as well, but as I said, a signal is a rare occurance.

With kindest regards,

Hendrik

— 

Jens, who had been hunched over his laptop for the better part of the email, leaned back, resting his head against the wall behind them on the bed.

Reading the long message hadn’t helped to clear up any conflicting emotions he had felt since the notification had arrived a couple days ago. Jens had expected the worst and the best simultaneously, and what he actually had received left him uncertain about the right reaction to such a message. Was it anger or gratitude?

„So? What does it say? Is it bad news?“

No it wasn’t really, was it? If it wouldn’t have been for the sporadic contact with his father, and the suddenness of this mail, Jens perhaps would only have a more positive attitude towards it. However it wasn’t that simple unfortunately.

Jens hadn’t told Robbe about the content of the mail or why he hadn’t opened it yet. But when he had announced that it had been his father, Robbe hadn’t asked anything else. Instead he had draped an arm around his back, before putting his attention on his phone, promising not to look. Jens trusted his best friend to keep his word and had thus quickly opened the message. Before he had a chance to change his mind.

That didn’t meant that the boy snuggled to his side wasn’t curious.

„I don’t know. I honestly don’t fucking know. I’m glad to hear from him, but I am so pissed about the way he wrote it. For example: Already four years have passed. It doesn’t feel that long ago. But obviously you may feel different about it.“ Jens read out loud, ending on a heavy sigh. He probably could have just quoted everything but that would be bringing up topics that Jens wasn’t ready to share.

„Or this bullshit of three sentences: I also hadn’t forgotten that you turned 18 and unfortunately I haden’t yet congratulated you. I would like to do that now, even if it may seem shallow. But I send you all my best wishes and do genuinly hope that you will find success and love along your way.“ He continued, almost mockingly, huffing an unamused laugh when he reread parts of the mail. „Like, fuck him. What am I supposed to do with that?“

„Seriously? That’s why he wrote you?“

It was very nice to know that Robbe seemed a little pissed off by it as well. It definitely validated Jens‘s belief, that this was a shitty thing to write given their history.

„No.“ Jens sighed again, this time a little deflated. His eyes darted briefly towards his best friend, feeling rather timid as he contemplated how to formulate his next words.

„I needed a signed document from him for the thing that is stressing me out.“ As if he couldn’t be anymore vague. „And my mom was so kind to get into contact with him first. So he basically just let me know that he send it off and attatched a pdf as well. That’s something I guess.“

„I see.“

Robbe’s second arm sneaked around his stomach, thus wrapping him into a tight embrace, as he rested his head against Jens’s shoulder.

„I think I would have preferred him to just let me know about the document and leave out the whole other stuff.“ Jens replied, leaning his own head into of his best friend’s.

He felt Robbe nodding, while his fingers stroked his back gently in an attempt to comfort his best friend.

„What did Lucas think?“ He asked Jens, receiving a soft snort in return.

„Nothing yet of course. I opened this for the first time here with you, dumbass.“

„Right. Sorry, my bad!“ Robbe shrugged a faint pink on his cheeks, as he instantly realised the his mistake at the same time Jens answered him.

„I think I’m glad that he wrote me. At least I know that he supports me in some way and I‘m not simply indifferent to him. It would have been worse, had I needed to chase him down for weeks to get the documents.“ Jens quietly said and swiftly closed the laptop. He pushed it away from them. Jens would definitely talk to his mom and perhaps let Lucas read the mail later on his own.

Robbe sat silent next to him. 

„He offered to pay for stuff if I needed him to. Don’t ask me why. But it feels shitty. It is good to have, and I may take him up on it. But it is not what I really need.“ I’d rather have him around, back then and now, Jens finished his thought unspoken.

It was the truth something that felt hard to say out loud. He wasn’t unaware of the fact that he close to never spoke about his father. It wasn’t an important part of his life for years now. He wasn’t even sure what people thought about his father, his friends included. He had met them all way after he left. Did they assume he was dead? No one ever had directly asked Jens before. At least he couldn’t remember anyone had before. There were only a couple of pictures that excist in his home that showed him, and they were almost all a decade old.

“If you want my opinion despite only getting the tiniest details from you, I’d tell you to straight up take the money. My father is always a little stingy if I need more for a month. So if your father offers you something, say thank you and accept it. It is the very least he can do for you. Don’t feel bad or sorry about it, as he should do much more for you. Honestly.”

Jens sat up straighter at his best friends words, Robbe following suit as the unwrapped themselves from each other. It definitely sounded like a shitty thing to do, but then so was the offer. Perhaps Jens would just as Robbe had told him. Why not?

“And if you don’t want to spend it on yourself, use it for Lotte or take out your boyfriend or help your mom with the bills. Whatever.” Robbe added and then shuffled of the sofa, as his phone was ringing on the desk calling for his attention.

Jens watched him, not paying much attention to anything but his thoughts and feelings regarding his father. He was glad that he had come to his best friend who simply accepted Jens withholding most of the details and still helping out. He appreciated it so fucking much.

“Alright, we’ll be there in fourty minutes, I think... yea... sure... okay see you then!”

Robbe told the person on the phone, his best friend’s hand reaching for him to pull him rather clumsy off the bed. Jens laughed at the sorry attempt. Robbe just wasn’t strong enough. But he gave in the second the other boy glared at him.

“Come on. Mayo is already on his way and I’m gonna text Aaron. You can bring your laptop and everything, or you can come back here later to get it.”

“Nah, I have to pick up Lotte at seven from her best friend’s place.” Jens replied, getting up while he packed everything as fast as he could around an impatient Robbe, searching for his missing board. As if a whole fucking skateboard could just vanish?

Seriously how did Sander managed to endure this daily?

Jens must have said that last question out loud, because he was hit in the chest, luckily not by the found skateboard, but by one of Robbe’s loose scattered sneakers.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

[diazevans]

if I could only read your mind (then I could map out all the ways to make it right)

“Well, your dad had a really rough day buddy, and he just needs a bit of space.” It was the truth, but after everything that had happened that day, it felt like a lie. One second they were helping a girl on a helicopter and the next, Eddie had been screaming and running furiously toward something that wasn’t even there. It had been terrifying as Buck had wrapped his arms around the older man until he calmed down. Even then Eddie had not come back to himself, not until they were back to the station.

War flashbacks, he had said.

or

Buck has Christopher for the night after Eddie has a rough day. Doesn't mean the three of them can't be together in other ways.

“Buck”

“Yeah?”

“Is dad really not coming with us tonight?”

It’s not like this is the first time that Christopher and Buck have had a sleepover on their own, but it’s the only time that Eddie is not on shift when it happens. Whenever they are both free, it’s usually the three of them always together, either at Eddie’s or  his apartment, but Buck couldn’t really remember when was the last time they spent the night in different houses.  

Christopher had the right to ask, and to be honest Buck was already waiting for the question. When Eddie had asked him to pick the kid up from school, they had both settled on what kind of information they were going to give to the kid and how much they could explain to him, given the circumstances.

He brings the little Diaz closer to his side, his arm wrapping around his shoulders and moving his head down, trying to be on the same level as him while they sat on the couch. He had read somewhere about this, about how kids understood better when the adult talked to them on the same level, showing them how important they are.

“Well, your dad had a really rough day buddy, and he just needs a bit of space.” It was the truth, but after everything that had happened that day, it felt like a lie. One second they were helping a girl on a helicopter and the next, Eddie had been screaming and running furiously toward something that wasn’t even there. It had been terrifying as Buck had wrapped his arms around the older man until he calmed down. Even then Eddie had not come back to himself, not until they were back to the station.

War flashbacks, he had said.

“But if he had a bad day, we should be there with him!”

And Buck couldn’t help but share the sentiment. It had been hard to walk away from Eddie when he knew the state he was in, but Christopher always came first to the both of them and well, he trusted his best friend’s judgment. He knew that there was nothing that Eddie wanted more than to hold his son in his arms, so this was probably hell for him too. After driving the other man home, Buck had refused to leave until his best friend promised to call if he needed anything.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel the same unease that he knews Christopher felt too. “I know, Superman. And we will be right there tomorrow morning to make him breakfast and give him the biggest hug in the history of hugs, okay?”

Normally, a comment like that would have made the kid smile and laugh, but now he just  nodded back absently, moving forward until his head collapsed onto  Buck’s chest, who immediately moved to hold him closer.

“I like it when it’s the three of us”

Buck had to look up to the ceiling, biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself under control knowing he couldn’t break down in front of the kid. “I like it too.” If he hid his face in Christopher’s hair to calm himself down, well, no one can blame him.

And Buck just knows he has to be here for both of them. It had nothing to do with the lawsuit or that fight in the store that sometimes still haunted his dreams. It has to do with how much Eddie meant to him, with how much this little family unit has turned into his whole world. He couldn’t help but remember what Bobby said a lifetime ago, about not trying to get Abby out of the situation but being there with her, supporting her.

He knew there was no way to get rid of Eddie’s demons or Christopher out of his condition; the only thing Buck could do is hold their hands tightly and help, in whatever way he could, to make it at least a bit easier.

And maybe, just maybe, they would understand that it was his way of  telling them how much he loved them.

The rest of the afternoon and early night went slowly, with them watching movies, even when neither of them were truly paying attention. After a quick dinner, they both agreed to go to bed early, mostly because neither one had the energy to do anything else. Buck thought that maybe he should have pressed harder, tried to bring a smile to Christopher’s face any way he could, but he also knew he had to respect the kid’s feelings, because they are just as valid as everyone’s else, probably even more sp. He has the right to feel sad and to miss his dad, even if he is just gone for the night

They are in the middle of picking a book, trying to come up with something new to read since Harry Potter was a thing they could never do without Eddie, when his phone rings. It’s almost embarrassing how many beats his heart skipped as he saw Eddie’s face on it.

He couldn’t answer fast enough and Eddie’s voice soothed an ache in his soul, as cheesy as that sounds. “Hey,” He sounded exhausted, like even talking is such an effort, and yet it is the most amazing sound in the world for Buck.

“Hey, Eddie” He couldn’t help but let his voice raise a little bit, smiling brightly at the way Christopher’s whole face lit ups.

“Daddy!”

Immediately, Buck puts the phone in between him and Christopher, just in time for them to both hear Eddie’s deep laugh on the other side. “I see someone is missing me.”

Before Buck could get any words out, Christopher was already talking quickly. “We were picking what  to read tonight. We didn’t want you to miss Harry Potter.” He couldn’t help but look at the kid and he wonders if he can understand just how much he loved him, how every single thing he does just makes him more and more fond of him. “Daddy, can you stay on the phone? Buck can read and it will be like you are here”

He doesn’t know if Eddie wanted to say something else when he called, if there was another reason, but he sounds almost happy when he talks again “Sure, buddy. I’d love that”

And somehow, it’s enough for a while.

----

 As the chapter progressed, and Christopher’s eyes dropped lower and lower, Buck had started to lower his voice to not disturb him. They would probably have  to read some parts again, but it didn’t matter. Neither him nor Eddie seemed to bothered with continuing, however, when Christopher had turned on his side, giving Buck his back. There had been a few minutes of comfortable silence until Eddie decided to break it.

“You still there Buck?”

“Yeah” If Buck closed his eyes, he could see Eddie there, sitting on  the other side of Christopher. He just has to force his mind a little bit to remember how soft he looked with his son tucked against his chest, that little smile he always gives to him. “It’s easy to picture you here. ”

Maybe it’s the fact that he was already half asleep or because Eddie soundedso vulnerable on the phone, that Buck can’t do anything but being honest. It’s like they were in their own little bubble, safe for a little bit.

“I wished I was.” He doesn’t think he’dever heard Eddie sound so small.

If Buck had to be the rock he leaned on, he was going make sure he did a fucking good job at it. No pretense, no half assed declarations. It was not the time for it. “I know. We miss you.”

Did Eddie know how much? Could he hear just how much longing his body contained?

“I miss you too.” And then, like he was second guessing himself, he added, “Both of you.” It made Buck smile, both because he catches the meaning and because Eddie can be so dense sometimes. Still, all traces of the smile disappeared as  he kept listening. “But I didn’t… I don’t know how tonight is going to go. I didn’t want Christopher here”

“I know” He does. It’s not the first that war and his consequences had been talked about between them, more after Eddie had started therapy after the whole street fighting thing. They had covered the times nightmares had been a little bit too vivid, a little too close to dangerous to the persons around him and Buck knew how out of control Eddie felt in those times “Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be there, man.” He could help, if Eddie gave him the chance.

“I don’t want you to see me like this either.”

That gave him pause. Or more like it breaks something inside him because how could Eddie be worried about him seeing him in any way? When they had been through so much together? Eddie had been there in his darkest times, when he didn’t even know who he was or when the pain was so loud that it took reality away from him. In all of those times, Eddie had held his hand tight and never let him go.

How could he not see that Buck was ready to do the same? Or even more?

“Eddie, I don’t…” He doesn’t know where to start or how to stop the words he wants to say, so he just… Doesn’t.  “Listen, I have your back, remember? In good things and bad things, always.”

Buck just talks and hopes, with everything in him, that Eddie’s heart is ready to accept them for what they are.

“I love you. Good and bad. We love you, we are your family, Eddie. We won’t ever go anywhere.”

In the quiet of the night, the breath Eddie takes on the other side of the phone is loud and it made Buck close his eyes, wait for the blow, or maybe the dismissal comment hiding in a joke, but it never comes. What comes after moves his entire life and at the same time, centers everything. His past, his present and his future.

“I love you too.”

He lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding and Buck can feel the corners of his eyes moving slightly up as a smile stretches across his face. “You do?”

Eddie’s laugh is almost breathless and yeah, Buck can totally share the sentiment because holy shit. “Yeah, I do. And even if I didn’t already, that little speech was pretty convincing.”

He almost falls into their usual banter, but this is too important. This moment feels too big. “It’s true. All of it. I’ll tell you all again tomorrow when I see you. I’ll tell you everyday for the rest of our lives of you want me too.”

“I can’t wait, Evan.”

And he really is about to swoon so hard and tell Eddie all about how much he likes his name said like that when there is movement beside him and before he knows it, Christopher is turning around with a grin that is almost too big for his face.

“I love you too, daddy. And Buck too!”

The only thing Buck can do is look at Christopher in complete disbelief because he was asleep! He checked before he stopped reading! “How much did you hear?”

“Since you said we loved him.” Honestly, he was mortified but also a little proud of Christopher’s acting skills. Not that he would ever say it, but still.

“It’s past your bedtime, Christopher.” Eddie’s voice appeared out of nowhere and by the way it sounded, he can already imagine how his cheeks must be a little pink. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking, because Eddie looks really good when he blushes.

 “Are you going to kiss now? May told me to let her know before anyone else if you did.”

Before Buck can protest about how Christopher should not be gossiping like that with May, Eddie is already laughing on the side and that’s instantly distracting “Only if Buck promises to make breakfast when you two come home tomorrow” And fuck, doesn’t that make heart feels too big for his chest? Home to Eddie. Finally.

“I’ll make such a breakfast that you will own me kisses for years, Diaz.”

[duskowithapen]

On Criminal Minds and the Mismanagement of Emily’s Faked Death

The way Emily Prentiss’s faux-death and revival was handled regarding Spencer Reid peeves me off to no end. As I have exhausted my sibling’s patience with my rants, I turn to Tumblr. So here we go – Emily and JJ messed the fuck up in their dealings with Spencer.

I’ll pause for any screeching, fervent denials, death threats, threats to harm but not seriously injure, and so on.

I also apologise for the unsavoury language – I am very annoyed.

Okay. This episode resonates with me on multiple levels, but mainly in how Spencer wasn’t allowed to be angry. I have never been allowed to be angry. My mother got very upset with me if I displayed any emotion that wasn’t happiness, stoicism, or subservience. She regularly denied me the right, or chance, to express my disappointment or anger regarding the decisions of others. So when I see the same thing happen to Spencer, my annoyance seems reasonable (to me, at least). I am also familiar with emotional betrayal, which Spencer also experiences.

Let’s start with JJ’s handling of the situation.

When you are on a case, focus on the fucking case, not the way your teammate doesn’t want to fucking talk to you about anything other than the case.

Spencer has every right to work his way through his emotions at his own pace. Aside from a couple of vaguely snarky comments, his interactions with Emily and JJ are professional and only regarding the case. Unfortunately, JJ can’t take a fucking hint. She started the argument/discussion with Spencer in the middle of a case. She pushed at him to talk about something that involves both deep seated issues and a situation that they are both too close to, to see clearly.

She blamed him for not knowing sooner.

And that burns.

What JJ does, as I see it, is a form of victim blaming. She tells Spencer that he isn’t angry at her, but angry at himself for not seeing her and Hotch’s micro-expressions. Instead of listening to how Spencer is feeling, instead of acting like a friend, JJ tries to make Spencer feel guilty. She tries to turn his anger away from her and back on himself.

What kind of fucking stupid profiler is this bitch?!?

I do not have a psychology degree. I am not a profiler. But you don’t have to be a profiler to know that making an emotionally compromised, abused, socially-disconnected, ex-drug addict angry or disappointed in himself is not a fucking good idea.

Let me just note that I don’t blame Spencer for his addiction at all. I am in awe of the fact that he came clean himself. He went through withdrawal with no assistance (and that is yet another thing I am fucking pissed off about). But that prior addiction adds a layer of risk on an already high risk individual.

And that is not okay.

Hotch scolded Reid. Hotch scolded the person who did not start the argument in the first place. Hotch scolded the professional individual in that argument. That is another layer of victim blaming. Spencer is unconsciously being conditioned to repress his own feelings. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t get upset with people because they’ll only turn it back on you. You are responsible for regulating the moods and emotions of those around you.

I know what that kind of conditioning feels like. It fucking sucks arse.

What would happen if Spencer took JJ’s words to heart? What would his emotional and mental state be, if he started blaming himself for not realising his Unit Chief and close friend were lying to him. It would compound the stress and shock he is also experiencing regarding Emily’s death and resurrection. It could push him into frantic-depression, as I call it, where a person works so hard to be the best person, the constant person, to not mess up again because if you mess up again your could lose them again you could miss something again you can’t risk missing something again they won’t trust you they—

You get the picture.

It wouldn’t be pretty.

That’s not even touching on the fact that Spencer had been going to JJ’s house for 10 weeks.

Ten weeks.

That’s a very long time to hold your tongue. Which I can understand from a logical standpoint – JJ had her orders. She followed them. But just following orders is not a good excuse. It is not an acceptable excuse.

But that’s not even the worst thing. The worst thing is that Spencer had to go over to JJ’s house.

Who the fuck checked on Spencer?

Who checked to see if he was okay? Who made sure he didn’t end up in an alley with a needle in his arm? Who gave him support?

NO ONE.

It hurts to have to ask for support. It hurts, because you had to ask. It hurts when no one asks if you’re okay. It hurts even more when they ask that question and don’t follow up.

Spencer should not have had to constantly go to JJ. Where is the effort on her part?

I don’t know if I can even put this into words. But I’m sure as hell going to try, because this is my equivalent of meditation and releasing my negative emotions.

I know that to get help, you need to ask for it. I also know that if I said to my sister-friends that I needed some support, that they would be at my door as soon as legally possible (or faster). When my mother died, I called my friend, because I was alone at home, going into a breakdown, and I was terrified of being alone. My family had left me alone, and as much as I was glad to have the chance to release my emotions, I shouldn’t have had to do it alone.

(This is a note for everyone, actually – if you don’t feel comfortable or safe being emotionally open or vulnerable around your family, then something is wrong with your family.)

I called my friend. I was sobbing. She lived 15 minutes away. She got there in ten. She held me when I screamed. She held me when I started scratching at my arms because I hurt so much, I couldn’t – I didn’t know how to deal with it. She let me cry. She did what my family refused to do.

Where the fuck was Reid’s family?

If Spencer needed to go to another person’s home, leave his own comfort zone, in order to be comforted…. It’s a bit fucked up.

And maybe I’m going a bit far with this, considering that it’s a TV show, but I have feelings, and this is a neutral space for me to express them. Something that Spencer needed, but I’m not sure that he had.

Which leads me to the next person: Emily.

When I saw her confront Spencer on the place after the case, I was fucking foaming at the mouth. I screamed ‘that fucking bitch did not just say that’ at the TV. Because she did not just fucking do that.

“You mourned the loss of one friend. I mourned the loss of six.”

NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T

No one has the right to compare trauma. No one’s trauma is more or less relevant due to what they went through.

But this stings because Emily didn’t mourn the loss of six. She mourned the fact that she may not get to see six friends for some time. She still had hope. There was a chance of reunion. She knew that they were alright and safe (as safe as they could be in such a situation). She got to regularly interact with a friend, albeit over a game. In a way, she reminds me of a soldier who’s been sent out on the front lines – they even have something similar: try looking up a song called Scrabble in Afghanistan, as I believe it’s called. It reminds me a bit of Emily.

What she went through was wrong. But what was even worse, is that she essentially told Spencer that his feelings weren’t enough. That because he lost less people, his trauma was of less relevance to hers.

This is the first time Spencer has lost a close friend. (Gideon doesn’t count, because he’s not dead. There is still hope). Spencer didn’t have any hope for reunion – Spencer had to live with the fact that he wasn’t enough – Spencer had to try and live with the grief and depression of that loss.

And then his friend comes back. And says that his trauma isn’t worth consideration, that his anger is wrong, that he’s being selfish and childish and unprofessional.

Spencer Reid is told that his feelings are not valid and that is not okay.

Spencer has every right to work through his emotions at his own pace. No one can tell you when to not be angry. No one gets to pick and choose how you feel. His anger was not harming his work. The only thing it was effecting was the mood of teammates who should have known better. Morgan had it right – Emily and JJ should have given Spencer some space until he came to them.

Spencer Reid was being emotionally manipulated by Emily and JJ, and that’s not okay.

Rant over.

[elle-smells]

STORYTIME PART 3 🏳️‍🌈🙋🤷‍♂️

Part 1

Part 2

(pretty sure this is the last one)

Now

My friends are accepting, I honestly don't give a crap of certain people at my school aren't okay with it bcs it's not like I'm walking around with a huge "HEY, I'M BI!" Sign on my head. Tbh I only want my friends to know and if it happens to spread then who cares?

And I truly mean all of that, really I do. It's just never felt like the right time. It kinda feels like over sharing atm, not something that will come up in conversation and the fact that I've started to grow a little self conscious about my sexuality doesn't help my case.

See, after I figured out I was Bi I didn't really think a lot about preference. I just wanted to love who I loved. But then came DUN DUN DUUUNNN Research. I looked up everything that has to do with bisexuality and even tried to educate myself on save sex with girls (which should honestly be taught in schools for LGBTQ+ youth but that's another topic of convo)

Apart from that, I watched a ton of videos of people coming out and explaining their experiences and a lot of them talked about preference. So I started to think about it and came to the conclusion that I have a preference for guys. That.....that scared the crap out of me.

All the ppl that I heard talking about preference said they either feel about 50/50 or they have a preference for the same sex.

That made me spend a lot of time feeling ashamed of not being "bisexual enough". I felt like if I told people about my preference then they would invalidate me by thinking I'm either "too scared to say I like girls" or "just trying to follow a trend by saying I like girls"

I knew neither of those things are true but I thought ppl would see it that way. And so, I didn't even feel comfortable enough to talk about my sexuality with the LGBTQ+ community, let alone the people that aren't a part of it.

Later on I found the sexuality spectrum and that felt so right to me you have no idea. And when I heard Alexia talk about it in Skam France OMG.... *Chef's kiss* it made things even better. Unfortunately, that didn't mean I stopped feeling self conscious sometimes.

All of that self consciousness now adds to my reasoning of why it's "never the right time" to tell my friends.

Until last week, when I started writing Part 1 of this story time.

Here's where the emojis come in btw

Outside of my main girl friend group, I have another friend that goes to my school. We've only known each other for almost a year but we've become close in that time. He's one of my best friends and he's seen me cry more times that I'm proud of tbh hahaha. However, recently, we've kinda drifted apart (it's a long story), and we're still friends and talk and have a laugh but we're not the same as before. Oddly enough, I still feel like I could tell him anything. ANYTHING. If I'm sad, I'd want to talk to him, If I murder someone, he's one of the first people I'd call. And If I'm happy, I'd tell him the reason why.

For a while, I had considered coming out to him first but, again, it never felt right.

Last week, I found out he's changing school's so he won't be with us for senior year. That really bumbed me out, so I called him for the first time in a while. We had a good talk, we laughed and it felt like the beginning of our friendship.

If you asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell you what it was. I just knew. And it all lined up perfectly too!

It checked all the boxes.

• It came up in conversation - we were talking about how EVERYONE has little gay moments some times

• It was someone I trusted - Like I said, he's kinda my best friend

• It didn't feel like over sharing - the gave me perfect segway. He talked about "Bisexual check" tiktoks and how he's not bi but fits a few of the stereotypes (ie. Sweater weather, rolled up jeans, etc)

The stars were aligning and I just....said it

Well, kinda said it:

"hahaha omg dude, in that case, you're more bisexual than I am"

...... My heart started beating so hard I could basically hear it, I frees more anxious by the second so much so that I almost didn't realize he didn't stop talking.

Him: so yeah, and it's not like I only like sweater weather, it's more of-

Me: dude....did you-... are you not getting what I'm telling you

Him: uhh,no.....

Me: umm, ok nevermind then. I'll tell you again another time.

Him: oh, ok.

(hence the emojis 🏳️‍🌈🙋 <- I'm not straight. 🤷‍♂️<- friend doesn't get it)

After that I felt disappointed but it was very quickly followed by....relief. I really didn't expect to feel that. I thought I'd be more gutted that I had missed my chance. Instead I was glad the beating of my heart had stopped.

I realise now that I can't not make my coming out into a casual thing. And by that I mean, it's not something I can just brush off my shoulder, it's a part of me that I've keep deep in my soul for a while and getting it out in the open is a huge step for me. Even if I know ppl are going to be accepting, it's still a big part of my story and I can't just look past it.

Which brings me to right now. That conversation with my friend is what inspired me to write this all out. This is MY bisexual experience. This is MY story.

And it's not over yet. I'm still dealing with feeling not valid enough sometimes bcs of where I fall on the spectrum. I still haven't come out to my parents. I still have a bit of the way to go and I have no idea where that's gonna take me.

What I do know for sure is that I know where to go next. That's to that conversation with my best friend. I understand my situation a lot better now. And that's all I need to move forwards.

Today is the start of Pride Month. Love each other, support each other. I told this fandom my in progress, bisexual mess of a story bcs of how positive it can be. Please, Stand together, bcs our stories deserve to be told and heard. This was mine. And I hope you are able to tell yours ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜